#but a lot of people never linking it or describing the process

[occultopossum]

Ok, ran a test run of glaze, so have an informative post about the process. Since there is a lot of 'Just glaze all your art!' being thrown around a lot right now, then not giving much information where to find it/how to use it. You can find glaze here (https://glaze.cs.uchicago.edu/) Was about 2.6GB to download the program Then about 4.8GB to extract the zip, for an idea of it's size/space requirements. Got it running from the application in the extract folder.

The general layout of glaze which it is simple/easy to use interface, at lowest they estimate 20 minutes, but from my test run it takes *significantly* longer, which it does disclose that on the bottom left. In terms of CPU, yes it is very intensive, I have an average laptop with 'average specs' (i.e I can run a fair few games, but nothing like 'top graphics) I ran glaze at the lowest settings, default and faster My memory Cpu usage while using glaze was at Cpu 50-60% / Memory at 70-80% * Before I ran glaze it was running 11% cpu and 42% memory (I had discord open in the background the whole time but closed out of much else, so if you do run to much you may experience a crash)

*As glaze did reach the half way point the cpu and memory usage slowly lowered Now here's the time frame it took to glaze one picture of mine that was 5.05MB

The process takes *much* longer the settings indicate (used fastest setting which was estimated to be 20 minutes), so I spent approx (9:30pm to 1:00 am running glaze) The final result

This is what some of the warping looks like (which you can see it in some of the examples on glazes website)

I've already posted this art before unglazed so used it as an example. The unglazed version is the left, and glazed is the right. I do imagine you'll get less warping at the higher settings but likely that'll be much more intensive in time and resources. In short, glaze I'm so glad this tool is there for artists, but it is *really* not feasible solution/catch all for everyone to go back and glaze every piece of art/or glaze every piece of art going forward. Between the time it takes and how intensive it is, it's likely not accessible for everyone.

Where I feel this tool is best suited (and likely intended) is more art industry settings, examples like 'I'm posting art for a industry client and/or my professional portfolio' type scenarios.

Just wanted to give a more detailed experience of using glaze. I've seen there was sign ups for people to make accounts to use glaze for a faster experience, but as far as I've seen on their site/other posts it's closed at the moment.

[tieflingkisser]

‘The machine did it coldly’: Israel used AI to identify 37,000 Hamas targets

Israeli intelligence sources reveal use of ‘Lavender’ system in Gaza war and claim permission given to kill civilians in pursuit of low-ranking militants

The Israeli military’s bombing campaign in Gaza used a previously undisclosed AI-powered database that at one stage identified 37,000 potential targets based on their apparent links to Hamas, according to intelligence sources involved in the war. In addition to talking about their use of the AI system, called Lavender, the intelligence sources claim that Israeli military officials permitted large numbers of Palestinian civilians to be killed, particularly during the early weeks and months of the conflict. Their unusually candid testimony provides a rare glimpse into the first-hand experiences of Israeli intelligence officials who have been using machine-learning systems to help identify targets during the six-month war.

[...]

“This is unparalleled, in my memory,” said one intelligence officer who used Lavender, adding that they had more faith in a “statistical mechanism” than a grieving soldier. “Everyone there, including me, lost people on October 7. The machine did it coldly. And that made it easier.” Another Lavender user questioned whether humans’ role in the selection process was meaningful. “I would invest 20 seconds for each target at this stage, and do dozens of them every day. I had zero added-value as a human, apart from being a stamp of approval. It saved a lot of time.”

[...]

Several of the sources described how, for certain categories of targets, the IDF applied pre-authorised allowances for the estimated number of civilians who could be killed before a strike was authorised. Two sources said that during the early weeks of the war they were permitted to kill 15 or 20 civilians during airstrikes on low-ranking militants. Attacks on such targets were typically carried out using unguided munitions known as “dumb bombs”, the sources said, destroying entire homes and killing all their occupants. “You don’t want to waste expensive bombs on unimportant people – it’s very expensive for the country and there’s a shortage [of those bombs],” one intelligence officer said. Another said the principal question they were faced with was whether the “collateral damage” to civilians allowed for an attack. “Because we usually carried out the attacks with dumb bombs, and that meant literally dropping the whole house on its occupants. But even if an attack is averted, you don’t care – you immediately move on to the next target. Because of the system, the targets never end. You have another 36,000 waiting.”

[...]

“We were constantly being pressured: ‘Bring us more targets.’ They really shouted at us,” said one intelligence officer. “We were told: now we have to fuck up Hamas, no matter what the cost. Whatever you can, you bomb.” To meet this demand, the IDF came to rely heavily on Lavender to generate a database of individuals judged to have the characteristics of a PIJ or Hamas militant.

[krashoutluv]

Your AK HC were on POINT 👌👌👌 literally everything you said was so right. It was really refreshing seeing this kind of take on AK Jason.

AK Jason is a cat that’s been feral for most of its life and you just gotta approach him gently and be patient 🥺

I also agree… this boi is a VIRGIN 👏 this man had no game and wasn’t even seeking anything (cause 1) his mind is entirely focused on one goal atm and 2) all his trauma 😞 ) he’s prob like a deer in the headlights for any first time physical intimacy wether that’s holding hands or sleeping together (poor baby)

I want to give AK Jason a nice blanket, a cup of tea and his favorite book 🥺 I doubt it would help a lot though. I just want to shower this boi with love

literally jumping up and down. for so long i was nervous to post my takes on him hcishskshd.

psps also i see yall in my inbox dw imma get to you all :]

but your so right, ak!jay is so a feral dog/cat to me. I say dog because of his implication throughout the arkham comics and mainstream ones, that robin to jason was seen as bruces lap dog.

So i’ve always seen AK!jay as a “runner dog.” You know? The type that sees an open door and runs out of the house, wont come back for nothin.

But feral cat so describes his personality, the just standing and watching, and slowly warming up, is so him coded ,, anon ur soOOO right.

nsfw under da cut (light / not detailed :] ) ((also soft and warm hehe))

ill die on this hill,, he had NO interest in sex for so long, barely slipped his mind with training. Only got off to break off steam and he would just take his ass to bed.

and like anon said, even for basic things like holding your hand on his shoulder he gets so tense.

Subconsciously he’s waiting for something bad to happen, for it to be a trick, so it takes a really long time for him to weed those distrusts out :(

luv him soo bad needa hold his hand and feed him food.

his first time hes so quiet and stiff. hes not mentally freaking out, but again subconsciously hes expecting something bad to happen.

he feels like theres something under his skin tingling, the sensation that made him pull back many times before.

but nothing bad is happening, and it takes him awhile to accept that too.

The possibility has never seemed completely unreal to him, but really experiencing that kind of intimacy and love was so surreal to him.

When its over, he’s looking at you with big blown out eyes, and his mind is so quiet, in a good way, but most importantly that fog, that darkness he has felt for so long isn’t there. He feels so real and present in the moment.

He’s touching your skin, actually feeling and processing the way you feel against him, the texture of the cloth you two lay on, and your face.

Falls asleep, doesn’t dream. a peaceful night. he wakes up, the fogs back but he feels a little lighter when he walks :)

ak!jay dealing with everyone (including you and i my friend) thats in his tumblr tags ((link))

my rq are open im so happy people wanna hear me ramble abt his crazy ass fuckdjskbdkssndj !!!

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

It’s gone midnight and I’m thinking about Six of Crows so y’all know what that means: it’s time for a long rambling thought process that will hopefully have some interesting insights into the books in it.

I want to talk about the animal, mostly bird, symbolism of these books because although it’s obviously something we’re very aware of I also think it’s something that runs a lot deeper than we necessarily always realise/talk about. Even when people aren’t being directly involved in bird metaphors (crows, pigeons, peacocks) they are often described as “squawking”, “flapping”, or with other phrases that further this semantic field.

Now the crows is obviously the main source of the symbolism, and it’s openly talked about in the book with the speech on how the recognise human faces and how they support each other. I’ve also seen a few people online talking about the Crows in conjunction with a poem/nursery rhyme about crows (it’s one of those that has many different versions spun of it, some know it was counting magpies rather than crows) wherein 6 crows symbolises gold, of course greatly linked to the plot of the novels as well as their anti-extreme capitalism message. It’s also key to mention that crows are massively underestimated birds in the general public view; they’re far ‘smarter’ animals than we would typically expect. Crows have a very high brain to body mass ratio, I believe the highest of any birds but don’t quote me on that, and although we understand very little about the brain the size ratio is currently considered a very good indicator for the general intelligence level of the animal. Crows can make tools, hide their food, mate for life, and - VERY interestingly for this book analysis - have even been suspected to hold funerals. Now I want to be clear I’m working on a mix of random knowledge and the first helpful looking website that came up when I googled ‘fun facts about crows’ so I am by no means an expert here, but to my understanding the practice that was initially considered to be a ‘crow funeral’ is actually a process wherein crows will gather around a dead crow to look for potential danger. So I feel like the links I’m establishing here are relatively obvious, the point is that, like the birds themselves, the Crows are undervalued, underestimated, and unexpectedly successful. But the symbol of the crow in these books arguably goes even further.

The crow-headed handle of Kaz’s cane represents everything about the crow I’ve already mentioned on top of his own symbolic layering to the cane as a sign that no part of him has not been broken, and no part him is not better for having been broken. So in Chapter 27 of Crooked Kingdom, when Kaz returns to the Slat and fights the Dregs before leading a coup against Per Haskell, the cane with the fake crow’s head that Haskell has contrived to mock him effectively represents the failing of everything the Dregs represent. They’re last, the remnants, the people with nowhere else to go: they are the people who have been broken and have made something new for themselves. Except Haskell. So the sheer ridiculousness of him mocking Kaz’s cane, something he clearly thought would win him favour and success, in the end becomes one of the biggest aspects of his downfall. Inej describes the moment when the Dregs begin to support Kaz, the way the look at Per Haskell with discomfort - “the feathers in his hat, the canes in his hands” (and then she goes on to highlight how they’ve seen Kaz use his cane in fights, “wielded with such precision”, whereas Haskell is washed-up, pathetic, never could have taken the fight Kaz did and walked out the other side). Of course they realise, then, how completely and utterly wrong all of this was. Because when they’re confronted with both of those canes they realise something. They know what Kaz’s cane represents; it’s power and strength in spite of a world that has that has scorned him, it’s taking something that was broken and not fixing it but emphasising it and making it into a threat, into a symbol, into a strength. They know that, even though they don’t know what happens in Kaz’s head, because they see themselves in that. The Dregs; the literal bottom of the Barrel, who have been broken and who have clawed their way to survival. They cannot see themselves in Haskell’s mockery cane. Haskell is not a man who reflects what the Dregs are at their core, but Kaz is. The emphasis on the feathers is also really interesting, because I think it’s implying a sort of gaudy, colourful feathering that (despite fitting in with the style of the Barrel) does not represent the symbol of the crow; it is not something shadowed, something half hidden that could have an unexpected bite. It’s almost more akin to Heleen’s gaudy peacock feathers than it is to anything the Dregs understand, or represent through being Crows.

The pigeons I don’t really see anyone talking about, but I think it’s pretty interesting. The idea of ‘the pigeon’ is the same as ‘the mark’; they’re the victim, the fool who’s easy to swindle. I think the imagery of the fools being pigeons, ie being everywhere and massively populating big cities, is really clever to show a divide between the few, the Crows, and the many, the pigeons. However, it’s not only the Crows who remark on others being ‘pigeons’, but other gangs as well. When Kaz confronts Pekka about the scam he ran on him and Jordie, he says “you were just two pigeons, and I happened to be the one who plucked you”. I’m not gonna lie to you guys I’m losing my point slightly, but I just googled ‘crows and pigeons’ and the first thing that came up was about how crows sometimes eat pigeons so I reckon that’s pretty relevant.

Ok I’m really tired and I feel like I’m clutching at straws here, so I dunno I guess if this does well then I’ll cover peacocks, lions, and the general semantic field of birds in another post. I hope at least some of this made sense, thanks for reading it if you bothered to get this far

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my sister that I didn't find her instagram post funny and that I didn't want her to send me things like that again?

I (32f) have never had a good relationship with my sister (34f). We have gotten somewhat better over time, but we have always had a strained relationship. We are about as opposite as you can be. Social rights issues? No compromise. ACAB? Constant disagreements. Politics: best never mention them. TV Shows? No interest at all. Music? We cannot stand each other's music. We genuinely have nothing except our blood and the fact we were raised by the same people in common.

I am currently in the process of finishing my PhD and live on a different continent to her. We have been vaguely trying to talk and maintain a cordial friendship from afar.

For the past four months I had been preparing for a conference that I was organizing, leading, and moderating. It was a massive project that will be a huge part of my dissertation research, and it went very well. The day after the conference I had a long career planning discussion with some academic advisors, and spent about three hours talking in my second language with my own advisor. The combination of everything left me genuinely exhausted to the point that I woke up the day after it all still too tired to move.

After I woke up, I realized I had a text from her containing an instagram link - no comment, no notes, no context, just the link. I know I wasn't in a perfect headspace and still needed more sleep, but I clicked it because usually she just spam sends me instagram videos about random baby rearing things she finds funny. I don't find any of them amusing, but tolerate them because she seems to enjoy it. I usually just nod my head or offer a few responses to show I've seen it and move on.

But this video was different. This video was, as far as I can tell, an influencer attempt at selling an AI. It had a young woman walk into a classroom with the onscreen text describing how "my professor is the same age as us and she has her phd!" and when she was asked how she got it, the video shows how the "teacher" went onto Youtube, put Youtube videos into this AI which created an algorithm to summarize the video. It ends with the words "University is a joke in 2024".

I was....genuinely offended. After everything I had been through working on this conference and with years of thesis work, I was just hurt. I watched it a few times, trying to understand what it was even trying to say, and could come up with no good reason for why she would just send it to me. So I wrote back to her "idk how you even want me to respond."

She said she thought it was funny, and I asked her if she understood why I wouldn't find it funny. She wrote back "because you lack my sense of humor smh." I tried explaining why I was upset and reframed it in the context of her job. She doubled down that she thought it was funny, but that it was because she thought it was amusing anyone would think they could get any kind of degree like that.

I explained that AI is genuinely a problem in universities right now and that our students are using it to get through their classes and it's causing a lot of chaos with profs trying to crack down on it. Then I told her it felt like she sent me something just to annoy me.

The argument continued from there. I asked her not to send me stuff like that again, and she asked how she was supposed to know I would be triggered by an AI video, and that I was being oversensitive, and how it was my fault for always assuming that she is plotting to piss me off and that she can never show an interest in my life without me having a "feelings dumpfest" and calling her out for being a bully.

I don't understand how she could think sending a video to me saying "university is a joke in 2024" with no context at all would be taken as a joke in the first place. And I felt like if I didn't tell her I didn't like this kind of video and why it made me upset she would keep sending things like this to me I'd have to keep seeing and ignoring future posts.

AITA for telling her I didn't think it was funny and to stop?

Should I have just ignored it and gone back to sleep? (At this point that's what I felt like I should have done...)

What are these acronyms?

[llovelyclouds]

notes on alecto

hii!! so a few months ago i did a full reread of the locked tomb and took note of anything i thought seemed particularly relevant. I want to share what I have but I'm not sure exactly how i want to format everything quite yet- but im just gonna go for it so bear with me if its a little disorganized!

throughout the process i've started coming up with some of my own theories, but i thought it would be cool to post everything i've compiled, so people could use that to make their own conclusions as well :D

I have sections for anything that seemed important about all the original lyctors & their cavaliers, so I'm going to start off with all my information gathered about alecto! buckle in, folks, there's a lot :-)

you can find links to the other posts in the project here!

(also ofc spoilers for the up to the end of nona ahead!)

ALECTO

titles:

Also referred to as “A.L.”, “Annabel Lee,”or “Annie Laurie”  John’s cavalier, the soul of the Earth. (And of course, nona <;3)

Annabel Lee poem  (mentioned htn. pg. 196)

Annie Laurie poem (mentioned htn. pg. 345)

notes from harrow the ninth:

Harrow's psychosis seems to begin after seeing Alecto for the first time (htn. pg. 51)

Augustine describes her as "more lucid" than Mercy as an insult to Mercy (htn. pg 168)

"'God, who did you bury?' [...] 'I buried a monster,' he said." (htn. pg. 195)

(depending on how much of The Body is real) Agrees that Harrow should kill G1dieon (htn. pg. 226)

“Augustine said, ‘To sisters, and to the women we‘ve left behind.’ God’s mouth was cheerful as ever, but his eyes were not when he said, 'Do I have to drink to that?’ For the first time, you were witness to the Saint of Patience discombobulated. ‘Apologies, John. Wasn’t meant as a jab.’ ‘It doesn’t hurt anymore- most of the time,’ said God, and he was still smiling.” (htn. Pg. 277)

"Even the devil bent for God to put a leash around her neck… and the disciples were scared! I cannot blame them! I was terrified! But when the work was done- when I was finished, and so were they, and the new Lyctors found out the price- they bade him kill the saltwater creature before she could do them harm… Oh, but it is a tragedy, to be put in a box and laid to wait for the rest of time." - Teacher (htn. pg. 328)

Says she has to go away for a while immediately after Varun appears (htn. pg. 334)

John says that G1deon doesn’t talk about her, but Augustine and Mercy still feel guilty about what happened (htn. pg. 345)

“When I first met her I just called her First, One. She had a real name, but I buried it with her, and nobody says it anymore.” - John (htn. Pg. 345)

“Annabel Lee was my- what do I call her? Guide? Friend? I’d hope so… [...] She was the first Resurrection. She was my Adam. As the dust settled and I beheld what was left and what was gone, I was entirely alone. The world had been ended, Harrowhark. One moment I was a man, and the next moment I was the Necrolord Prime, the first necromancer, and more importantly, a landlord with no tenants. [...] I was dazed… I was bewildered… and she was my defender and my sole companion, and my colleague in the scholarship of learning how to live again. It was bloody difficult. I had never been God. [...] She lived to see what happened at Canaan House. Not that she took much interest. My first Resurrection was not a normal human being, Harrow, and she struggled to pretend. Anger was her besetting sin. We had that in common. And when the cost of Lyctorhood was paid, when the emotions were at their peak… we found out the price for our sin. The monstrous retribution. To be chased for our crime to the ends of the universe, to have our deed stain our very faces and follow after us like a foul smell. She died after that first terrible assault.” - John (htn. pg. 346)

"That freak would have gone for me already… she could never act human." -Mercymorn (htn. pg. 408)

the lyctors knew some amount of truth about Alecto's resurrection, likely that shes essentially a resurrection beast (htn. pg. 478)

"'A monster, John!' Augustine barked. "She was a bloody monster in a human suit! She was a monster the moment you resurrected her, and then you went and made her worse!'" - Augustine (htn. pg. 478)

Gideon & Pyrrha liked Alecto despite the fact that the other lyctors (at least Mercy and Augustine) didn't (htn. pg. 479)

One of the reasons the lyctors wanted her dead was because the RBs were partially coming for her (htn. pg. 479)

Appears to claim Harrow's body after Gideon "dies" in the river (htn. pg. 500)

notes from nona the ninth

"Sometimes, [...] I don't like when you do- the necromancy word- [...] -but it feels nice at the same time. It's mixed up. It's like when you do that, it makes me sad- not sad that you did it, but sad that you can do it." - Nona, to Palamades (ntn. pg. 65) 

"Nona loved the blue sphere as much as she loved everything else. She, and nobody else, could hear it sing." (ntn. pg. 125)

"'And I'm not scared of dying. Really truly, Cam, I'm not…' 'Why not?' said Camilla. Nona thought about it. 'Because I like letting go of the pull-up bars and falling off,' she said. 'I don't like the part just before you let go and I don't like the part where you hit the floor, but I like the letting go.'"- Nona and Cam (ntn. pg. 125)

"Dust of my dust- such similar star salt- what they did to you and what they wrung from you and what shape they made you fill- we see you still- we seek you still- we murdered- we who murder- you inadvertent tool- you misused green thing- come back to us- take vengeance for us- we saw you- we see you- I see you." - Judith, (as Varun) to Nona (ntn. pg. 164)

Nona likes Gideon's (originally Pyrrhas?? maybe?) sunglasses, but only so long as nobody wore them (ntn. pg. 165)

"then she told herself sternly, Stop it! If she was going to do it, she thought, she might as well do it. She had some vague notion that when you committed to a thing you had to do it all the way. Who had said that to her? Who had taught her that? Once you've stepped in, said the voice in the back of her head, you're in. This isn't the Hokey Pokey. She had remembered something- she had finally remembered something! Only she didn't have anyone to tell." (ntn. pg. 203)

"Nona had thrown exactly two tantrums in her entire life. She couldn't remember anything about the first one, but Pyrrha had told her about it. Pyrrha had been laughing with her mouth, but not with her eyes: her eyes had been very brown and distant and uneasy, as though this tantrum had reminded Pyrrha of something her brain didn't want to bring back." (ntn. pg. 275)

"'But you see, Palamades, I don't mind dying,' said Nona, trying to make him understand. 'I've been doing it for ages. I'm not scared.'" (ntn. pg. 289)

"'I am glad you did not tell us this. We had no idea there was any recourse from Varun the Eater's effects, nor any beast.' 'Its pure theory,' Camilla said curtly. "Something's being transmitted through the light spectrum. Absorption through the eyes is worse for the brain.' This made Nona think of something. It tugged at the edges of her memory and stayed there, nagging.'" - We Suffer & Cam (ntn. pg. 322) 

Nona says that she never liked her hands (ntn. pg. 357)

"She wanted to shout. She wanted to be listened to. She wished the barrier had taken her hands. She wished she had thrust herself into it- become that big seething mass of flesh and meat and tendrils- ruined her body, just melted it; come back messed up, so that nobody could want her body but her, so that it would be hers and nobody else's. This was a horrible thing to think. Nona hated herself immediately and fervently." (ntn. pg. 358)

She hates having just two feet (ntn. pg. 390)

“You were the noise that was everywhere. It was like trying to talk to someone down a phone line with someone screaming through a megaphone in the same room. You drowned everything out. You were so huge and so complicated, and you were screaming, You wouldn’t stop screaming, You were so scared. You were so goddamn mad.” (ntn. pg. 405)

“You were screaming. I wanted you to stop, I wanted… I wanted you. I wanted you like a caveman wants a wildfire… or the sun. I thought you were going to take me, somehow. Purge me. Use me as an instrument. But you didn’t say anything…I was babbling, Show me. Come on. I’m ready. You kept screaming and screaming… like a baby in pain. So I tried to hurt you- I did hurt you. I reached out for you, and it hurt you… but I wasn’t strong enough. The caveman. The wildfire. The Neolithic priest staggering in front of the falling star.” (ntn. pg. 407)

“I wanted to make you the most beautiful body I could think of. He paused and said: “But I was stressed, okay? I was insane. Most of what had made me John had gone somewhere else. There were a few little thoughts left…a handful of things that made me me… a couple scraps of id. It’s not fair to judge me, right? I didn’t do this thinking… I didn’t do it like art. When I was seven, you know, all Nana had to play with in her house was some of Mum’s old toys. And my favourite out of all of them…” He gave a long, shuddering sigh. “My favourite was her old Hollywood Hair Barbie,” he murmured. “I loved her little gold outfit and her long yellow hair. She was the best. She got to have all the adventures. [...]” He said, from my blood and bone and vomit I conjured up a beautiful labyrinth to house you in. I was terrified you’d find some way to escape before I was done. I made you look like a Christmas tree fairy… I made you look like a Renaissance angel… I made you Adam and Eve… Galatea. Barbie. Frankenstien’s monster with long yellow hair. He said, As the world went up I remade us both. I hid me in you… I hid you in me. And when we were together… once the shaman had claimed the sun… I became God.”- John (ntn. pg. 408)

“Do you remember what you said to me once I had done it? When we stood here together?” She looked at him and she said, “Yes.” He said- “You said, ‘I picked you to change, and this is how you repay me?’” She said- “What else did I say?” He said: “You said, ‘What have you done to me? I am a hideousness.’” She said- “What else did I say?” He said, “Where did you put the people? Where did they go?” She said, “I still love you.” He said, "You said that too.” - John & Alecto/Harrow (ntn. Pg. 410)                                                

Nona has some kind of blackout on top of the truck and something happens in that time that convinces Pyrrha of her true identity (ntn. pg. 413)

Also based on Nona’s reaction at that point, maybe Alecto didn’t like Pyrrha even though Pyrrha liked Alecto (ntn. pg. 413)

“She’s scared to die. You’re afraid of so many things, but she’s only afraid to die. Then when the disciples come to you and say the word Lyctor, she does not understand that they want the thing you did to her- she watches as you watch… watch them misunderstand the process.” - Harrow, to John, (ntn. pg. 434)

“In [Aiglemene’s] hands was a huge black-metal pike about the same height as her, with an edge that gleamed in the light. Nona couldn’t stop herself looking at that edge: for some reason it made her palms sweat, and the back of her neck itch again.” (ntn. pg. 454)

“I might not help you when.. I'm back," she said, not quite understanding I. “I'll be different. I'll remember everything. I'll remember the thing I'm trying to forget. And Palamedes-  I won't love him. I won't love Camilla, or Pyrrha, or Hot Sauce, or even Noodle. I won't love anything… I won't know how. I won't be me at all, or.. I'll be the me who knows the thing, and knowing the thing means I'm not Nona- I'm someone else." (ntn. pg. 460)

she recognizes the tower, and the devils (ntn. pg. 440, and 447, respectively)

“You let that monster out of its box," said Ianthe, "and you start us down a path nobody can save us from. If God truly wants her out… if Teacher set this all up… if he wants her…"  “Wants her? He told me to kill her. He said Make it quick, but kill her, said me with my blood could do it- said me with my blood, I was the only one… " [...] “He loves her! " Ianthe howled. “John loves Alecto - John needs Alecto! Without that piece of Goddamn fridge meat, he's nothing- and we need to keep him that way!” - Ianthe & Kiriona, accidentally prompting nona to remember everything (ntn. pg. 470)

“She had been taken down this corridor: she had squeezed through this crack in the rock- not a passageway, not at that point. John had told her he had something to show her. He had said, It's very pretty. You'll like it. [...] John loved her. She was John's cavalier. She loved John. For she so loved the world that she had given them John. For the world so loved John that she had been given. For John had so loved her that he had made her she. for John had loved the world. [...] She hadn't come on purpose; the scrap of black-eyed meat had asked for it- the chain of a kiss: the ice that burnt the flesh of the mouth that had stuck to the mouth that was frozen.The teardrop on the hand. The hand that John had fashioned. [...] John had said, It's so beautiful. Come and look. She had said, There are almost no beautiful things left. where is Anastasia? Let me talk to Anastasia. [...] Glowworms, she had told John. Technically beetles, said John, but I always loved them. Narrow beetles with long strands hanging off them- a carpet of shifting, dead, winking lights at the top of the grave. Greenish, orangish, yellowish, moving over one another silently with those long filaments hanging down. [...] And the water- the huge pool of real salt water, where she had knelt and drank- [...] John and she had swum to the centre hummock rising out of the pool. Not an island, not really. An outcropping. With the marble pillars, and the marble top, and the long low marble table. He said he thought it was a nice place to be. To lie down. She had liked hard things to lie down on. It was hard to endure having a spine.” (ntn. starting page 471)

“There she was; John had made her so ugly, so unbearably ugly. The terrible face, with the terrible arms and legs and the terrible middle part, and the terrible hair, and the terrible ears: the nose too short, the ears too brief. But there she was- and within her the child, asleep, with the strange sword. The sword- her sword- her own edge had been pushed out, her swinging edge, her toy. Her plain bladed sword. And her body was chained up…” (ntn. pg. 474)

“Then Alecto remembered the vow, and turned back upon the altar to face the second child and raised the sword with wrath in her heart, for they meant to bring destruction upon her. But when the black-eyed infant showed her countenance to Alecto, Alecto recalled her, for it was a face one dreamed in Alecto's dream. and Alecto stayed the sword.” (ntn. pg. 476)

“And Alecto said, Pyrrha, he laid me down as an appeasement to them; he fed you to them as an appeasement to them; but he has never appeased me, and now all he has done was teach me how to die." (ntn. Pg. 476) 

"Alecto said, I am very sorry about Samael. The child made no answer. Alecto said, I remember my vows. As I swore to Anastasia I swear to you. I am in your service until you bid me the favour, and whatsoever you appoint I shall perform, and consider the vow rendered. This is what I promised, until such a time as you deal with me as you see fit.” (ntn. pg. 477)

[jaskierx]

[CW for discussion of severe mental illness (PTSD) and suicide]

I want to add my perspective to the conversation about canyon people picking and choosing which disability rep is worth telling. It’s really offensive to me because I’m mentally disabled so it feels like these people are glossing over the mental illness rep in the show.

I hesitate because i do not want to seem like I’m chastising people for acknowledging the physical disability rep. OFMD has better physical disability rep than any show I’ve seen, while I’ve seen many shows with mentally ill characters. I also do not want to give credit where credit is not due, because ultimately these characters don’t have any diagnosed mental disabilities. However, I don’t think that that subtracts from the representation because 1)the show obviously takes place before many mental health diagnoses that we have now did,2) even if those diagnoses did exist, the crew would not be able to access them, and 3) I think the show is clearly trying to tell us that characters are suffering from PTSD, or at the very least struggling to process a traumatic event, they just don’t have the words to describe it as such.

Many characters exhibit what would today be classified as symptoms of a psychiatric disorder. In this fandom we often joke about that, especially Ed’s (which is more than okay), but I also want to appreciate the way that season 2 deals with the trauma of the kraken era. They freak out and have flashbacks over blindfolds and birthday cakes because of what they’ve been through. They have interpersonal conflicts due to differing ways of processing the trauma and not seeing eye to eye on each others own unique experience (Lucius and Pete come to mind). Lucius takes up smoking to cope with the pain. Ed dissociates (I think, because he doesn’t remember wanting to have a talent show) and is literally suicidal, first passively (“you mean curl up into a ball and die?”) and then actively (the whole storm thing). He also turns to using drugs to self medicate.

Anyway sorry for the novel I just wanted to add my perspective because this show means a lot to me as someone who’s mentally disabled and I want to know if anyone else with a mental disability feels the same/differently.

no don't apologise this is a really good point!

i've posted about it a few times and so has glam and several other people whose links i don't have to hand but the depiction of ed's mental illness and his suicidality is fucking spot on and the show absolutely deserves all the praise it gets for that

especially because it's quite possibly the first show i've ever seen that depicts suicidality in a way that manages to be accurate without being pitying and manages to be hopeful without romanticising the issue. the show brings ed to his lowest point and then shows him being helped to come back from that by people who love him. it tells us that there's always a way for things to get better and that you can get there by yourself but it's easier if you have help, and it tells us that this help is available because there is always going to be someone waiting for you even if you doubt that. it never shows ed as 'cured'. it never shows stede being angry with ed for his symptoms. when lucius suggests that ed might just be 'broken', stede very quickly shuts him down and the show makes it clear that the narrative is on stede's side here.

and all of this just doesn't get brought up by izzy stans. discussion of mental illness portrayal tends to be one of the following:

ignoring ed's arc altogether to focus on izzy's suicide attempt and his 'i want to go' line while he's on his deathbed (and in a massively different place to where he was in s2e2) and using this to pretend that the show's message is 'disabled queer people deserve to die' (yes unfortunately this is a take i have seen with my own two eyes)

writing ed's arc off as an example of 'magic dick' and using this to pretend that he was fine as soon as he got stede back

ignoring ed's arc completely and instead insisting that he's a violent serial killer and abuser with anger issues who traumatised the crew and will inevitably physically abuse stede and kill all their inn's customers

ignoring all portrayals of mental illness completely because they will deliberately downplay the disability of every other disabled character in order to centre izzy

the canyon will bend over backwards to centre izzy and to view the entire show through a lens where he is their longsuffering protagonist who can do no wrong and it's led them to ignore so much of what makes the show great

[bonefall]

I think Nightcloud's Thaw (assuming you keep that title) is a great idea not only because your Nightcloud is so interesting and because she as a character deserves more spotlight, but also because it would be interesting to see Crowfeather begin to change from her perspective. After all, you said it was a surprise he offered to help save Breezepelt at all- and what better way to show that than for us to not be inside his head when he makes the decision to offer to help?

I'm feeling more and more confident about it. I think BB!Nightcloud is absolutely the best choice of a character to observe the events of "Crowfeather's Trial," now Nightcloud's Thaw.

Nightcloud's Thaw is an okay title for now, but I want to bat around some more names.

It's meant to invoke the way her life begins to turn around, after Crowfeather's exile; beginning with that reveal, how Crowfeather's behavior reaches a breaking point in the Clan, her reputation turn-around, and finally accepting Crowfeather's help in aiding Breezepelt.

So "thaw" is one way to put it... but if I could capture something more related to the change of seasons or time, that would be good too. Nightcloud's Daybreak, Nightcloud's Horizon.

We can go through Nightcloud's process of unlearning with her.

The dread and fury at the reveal, the shock when Crowfeather actually sees a consequence, and the way that suddenly the Clan is sympathetic towards her in a way they'd never been

How this newfound empathy feels somewhat insulting to her, but, how it helps her start to realize that she DOESN'T deserve how Crow treats her.

Makes it easy to truncate most of OotS, can quickly be described as "they stayed together slightly longer, but if it wasn't dead, their relationship was quickly dying."

And really get to the meat of the story with how Crowfeather deflecting the blame of their son's Dark Forest training on her was the LAST straw. For everyone. Including Crowfeather himself.

(I think I'll actually change around the fight in the BOTTE to be Breeze attacking CROW, and Lionblaze STOPS him. Because killing his pathetic dad, in the end, wouldn't fix anything and would ruin his life forever. Really change it to stress that no one likes Crowfeather because of how he keeps treating people. If Crow wants to turn that around, he has to CHANGE.)

(Plus, something just feels nice about letting the two have a bond. Something about how they were both pulled out of the dirt at the Kitty Olympics and washed clean by Nightcloud, starting this deep, brotherly bond somehow. I'll have to revisit this.)

Nightcloud alone can link the way that Crowfeather is trying to change himself, AND the way Breezepelt is getting worse, in the way I want

She's cautious of Crowfeather, for good, obvious reasons. He hurt her, and has only ever used her good faith as leverage against her.

And she's charitable to Breezepelt, because she knows exactly what pain is behind his rash, emotional behaviors.

SO I can frame them both in the way I want through her eyes.

Plus, I need a place to put her childhood. If it's not here, I wouldn't have a good spot to put it.

I could link all the flashback segments with having Addersong pass away, since he would be VERY old at this point. It could be very bittersweet for her

She spent so much time away from her beloved mentor, who taught her so much.

She could have had so many wonderful years with him, his advice, and his songs. But now he's an elder in his last moons

All because she let her heart be hardened after the death of her family. Pain lead her astray so many times...

I'll probably rework a LOT of the stoat stuff. I know right away there's a lot of actions in CT I want to rip away from Crowfeather and hand over to Breezepelt; a lot of the loud, openly argumentative moments he has with Onestar for example. SHOW the way that Breezepelt interprets Harespring/Darkseeker's diplomatic responses as "sniveling and traitorous" to him.

Have Nightcloud be trying to bridge this gap between Breezepelt and his Clanmates with her new reputation, and it just not working.

Maybe shuffle Nightcloud's disappearance near the end of the book, around the time that the Kin appears. Show that his mother being suspected dead was a BIG reason Breezepelt made such an emotional choice to join the Kin, and bring his other allies with him.

[ziorre]

✨Commission info✨

I'm ready, I'm rested, I'm refreshed! And I'm completely charged to take care of your new ideas and characters!! I truly believe that every character is awesome and original and deserves to be shown with their own story! And I'll try to help you with this in a way that is more convenient for you! You just pick one below ;)

✨ PRICES:

- SEMI-REALISTIC STYLE (for the cases, when you want it looks more real without much stylizing)

- USUAL STYLE (for the cases, when you don’t mind it looks more stylized and a lil sketchy)

Aaand...

👀COMING VERY SOON!!!👀 - 3D MODEL OF YOUR CHARACTER

* you can find more examples on my page by the commission tag ** a helpful post describing a right order for your refs

✨ DEADLINES: After you DM me with a brief description of your idea, I’ll tell you the approximate date when I’ll be able to proceed with your commission   !!!!Always warn me in advance if I need to draw art by a certain deadline!!!

✨ PAYMENT:  What: USD or RUB When: full pre-payment (when you sent me the email and we approved the art idea) Where: Boosty (russian platform, supports payment via PayPal)

✨ THE PROCESS: You write to me in private messages on Tumblr, briefly tell me your idea of our future art, what style and what slot you want (full body / half body / bust). Then I give you my email address and you send me an email (with your Tumblr name as the topic please) with all necessary references (your character's face claim, their pose, clothes, background etc.). You describe the idea of the art in details, where it takes place, and other things that I need to know so that I can base the sketch on all that info, because after you approve the sketch, I don’t change art much in the further stages of the work, just some details. I send you the payment link on my Boosty page. Send you the sketch. After you confirm that you like the sketch, I finish the work and send it on your email😊

✨ OTHER: - I don’t correct the art after you approved the finished version. - I don’t copy other artist’s work or poses from their work. - I publish every commission on my social media, if you don’t want it to be published, just let me know. - If you’re not sure about the art idea, I can suggest you 4 sketches with different poses/concepts/angles for extra $20 and you pick the one you like the most. - For significant corrections or a lot of small ones at any stage of work, an additional fee may be charged (this doesn’t apply to some small adjustments or details witch I missed). There are 3 free changes at the each stages of the work (sketch, finished version), further - $2-$5.

___________________________________

And of course I can't skip to say a huge thank you to those who commissioned and continue commissioning art from me! It means a lot! For real! This is not only material support, but also moral one, saying that I’m not wasting my time and energy in vain, that I’m moving in the right direction, that people like what I do! I can't tell how inspiring it is!! 300 commissions! I’ve never imagined that one day I would draw so many art for others! Just.. wow!! Thank you again so much for trusting me bringing to life your ideas! I truly appreciate it!😌

____________________________________

I think this is it, right? If you have any questions, feel free to DM me ;)  

I’ll be VERY grateful for your reblogs!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤ (and thank you very much for this in advance, it helps me A LOOOOOOOOOT, you are the ones who keep me alive literally! I see each and every one of you doing that! You’re the best!!!) Thanks for your attention! Have a good day =)

[birdofmay]

FAQ

"Sometimes I listen to people and my brain can't make sense of what they say, what's that?" - Maybe....

an ADHD thing

a sensory overload thing

receptive language issues

auditory processing disorder

aphasia

...or check out how language processing and auditory processing works in general, autism can make these things hard without it being an additional disorder ☝🏼

"What's CAS?"

Childhood apraxia of speech (also known as Developmental Verbal Dyspraxia) is a condition where individuals struggle to "let their mouth do what their brain wants" - it's as if mouth and brain don't cooperate

It comes in mild and severe cases and is lifelong

Normally language comprehension isn't impaired, it's just speaking that doesn't work

Check this external Cleveland Clinic link that explains it very well

"Are apraxia and dyspraxia the same? Can regular dyspraxia affect the mouth?"

Apraxia and childhood apraxia of speech aren't the same; usually apraxia is due to brain damage of some kind, and CAS isn't. Dyspraxia often is used to refer to developmental conditions, which is why CAS is also called developmental verbal dyspraxia. Unfortunately, apraxia and dyspraxia are often used interchangeably, so it's necessary to always make it clear what we mean first.

There also is a second definition of dyspraxia and apraxia: dys- means something is impaired and a- means that it's impossible to do/absent. This, again, is why it's important to make it clear what we mean. Medical settings use all of these definitions - yep, that's kind of chaotic 😅

Even though I've never read of it in medical sources, normal dyspraxia can definitely affect the mouth and the whole face. My sources are people I know from disability programs and therapy, so for some reason there are first-hand experiences but no official sources. 🤔

Many people with CAS have normal dyspraxia too (as two different diagnoses), but not everyone.

Yes, CAS can affect fine- and gross motor skills, but that doesn't always make it regular dyspraxia too

"I don't know what my verbality level would be considered!"

Me neither! But check out my masterpost

and don't forget that "unreliably speaking" is for people with "full body apraxia" to describe the brain-body disconnect only.

"I've heard that we shouldn't say "going nonverbal", what other words can we say instead?"

Here, a nice little list!

"I don't know my autism level!"

Me neither, only the DSM-5 has autism levels, I don't have an autism level either.

I was diagnosed with severe autism because they made me take several additional "severity tests" after the normal diagnostic tests.

If your country uses the DSM-5, maybe you've been diagnosed when they still used the DSM-4.

"I don't know what support needs I'd be considered!"

Me neither, but check out my support needs masterpost

A "general rule of thumb" is "Help with IADLs = low support needs, help with IADLs and some BADLs = medium support needs, help with IADLs and most or all BADLs = high support needs", but these categories aren't as strict as they seem.

Do you have care needs? No? Then you're not high support needs, you're most likely low or low-to-mid support needs.

My country re-assesses my support needs regularly; if you're medium or high support needs and weren't medically neglected your whole life, you'd normally know that you're medium or high support needs already, because that's tested (if you're not sure, check the documents). But testing is different from country to country.

Unless, of course, something happened recently that you now suddenly need a lot of help, definitely more than before. In this case there likely wasn't any testing yet. But in that case I can't help you either, because I don't test you.

Note because this still is a common misunderstanding: The DSM-5 says for example "Autism level 1: Requires support", but the support that's meant there has nothing to do with the support needs we're talking about in this and in the linked post. It's a little unfortunate that both say "support" because people always think it's the same when it really really isn't ☝🏼

"How should people who want to be friends with you in real life act, so that you're not overwhelmed?"

see, that's the main difference between my (severe) autism and most people on Tumblr. I'm not interested in real life friends. Chatting via messenger is the most relaxing kind of communication for me. I have one(1) friend in real life and we never meet, which is why we're friends.

My parents, carers, accompanying people, etc. tell others exactly what to do or not to do so that I'm not overwhelmed. But you'd mostly speak to them instead of me anyway because direct contact is overwhelming.

"What's your opinion on this term/view/discourse/political topic/debate? Is [thing] offensive?"

I have a language disorder that makes it hard to understand the meaning of things and to connect the word to the meaning of the word. Unless it's a thing of my everyday life, I most likely won't understand this thing or I don't know anything about it.

I may sound quite articulate on here, but I have brain damage from birth; there are many things I don't understand, especially if it's in complex language.

I don't understand politics or money, and I don't understand laws on disability, unless they affect me personally and are those of my country.

"I'm new to metal. Do you have recommendations?"

Here's a brief overview for beginners!

"How do you know so much about metal? 😮"

Both of my parents AND grandparents are metalheads; my "holiday long car rides" childhood nostalgia songs are mostly Thrash Metal and worse.

While my dad isn't autistic, he's definitely the one I got it from. He has hyperfixated on metal and metal bands since metal came into existence. And he loves to infodump.

Discovering new music is one of my interests. Music is my way to socialise and to understand the world, so when my family still was my only social contact, of course all of this research energy would flow into metal 😄

[captainkirkk]

✩ WEEKLY FIC ROUND-UP ✩

All the fics I’ve read and really enjoyed in the past week-ish. Reminder: This list features any and all ratings and themes. Please look at tags and warnings on ao3 before reading.

Stranger Things

Where the 20 Chain Links Lead by fandsart

Steve has always known he’s stupid. While it wasn’t exactly something he took pride in, it hadn’t really ever bothered him until he started socializing with what could probably be described as some of the smartest people in Hawkins. It doesn’t help that most of those people were so much younger than him.

A character study of one Steve Harrington, and a glacial slowburn Steddie fix-it fic

chat with you, baby (flirt a little, maybe) by desiccatedwithering (acornsofthemind) (+ podfic)

"Hey, shitheads!” Steve “the hair” Harrington barks, looming in the doorway like a monster from the Abyss. “What the fuck are you doing in here? Get your asses down to the gym right fucking now.”

Eddie gapes. First of all, the audacity— Second, he’s never been much for physical fights, but if this douchebag thinks he can bully any of Eddie’s kids, he’ll have to go through Eddie first.

“Let’s go! Move it!” Harrington snaps, making an impatient gesture down the hall.

SVSSS

Achievement Unlocked by The Feels Whale (miscellea)

One day, after five years of reasonably peaceful marriage with only a few kidnappings and sex pollen incidents, Shen Yuan is sent back to his old body without warning. Luo Binghe makes a deal with an alien entity calling itself the System to perform a mission in exchange for the ability to bring his husband home.

The mission is simple; [Uncover secret transmigrator plotline and flesh out the character wiki!]

At least it will be once he figures out what the words ‘transmigrator’ and ‘wiki’ mean.

Or: That one where Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe don’t realize they’re in a domestic fluff bonus chapter.

Written for the 2021 MXTX Big Bang with art created by Ataratah

The Witcher

The Footsteps We Follow by thiswildheart

Look, Jaskier's got a lot going on. He's painfully aware that there are cataclysmic events happening and that the troubled teenager he knows might save the world or speed along the end of days. He's also in love with a man who's never even admitted that they're friends, which is almost as bad.

Oh, and he's still working as the Sandpiper, only now a terrifying eldritch creature has entrusted him with the Song of the Seven to give hope to the elves and help them fight back against their oppression. It's probably the bravest thing he's ever done, but not everyone sees it that way.

Luckily he knows some people who excel at last minute rescues.

... then he just has to figure out how to tell Geralt why so many people are trying to kill him. This is going to go great.

Clone Wars

Every Shadow by Kenobster (kenobster)

The days on Kadavo were long, but the nights moved quickly. Hundreds of pairs of wide, sleepless eyes haunted the space of the holding cells. Droves of terror clogged the heavy, sweaty air, and every sound, however faint, was like a physical ripple across the crowd. Every sound. The jingling of keys, the clicking of locks, the thudding of boots, and that’s how the nights on Kadavo started—with a gradual increase in the degree of quiet.

OR—during the mass casualty event following Kadavo and Zygerria, Obi-Wan and Anakin seek ways to cope with trauma.

Shadowhunters

We All Want (to Change the World) by opalish

It starts with Simon, which explains why the entire process is such an unrelenting headache.

or, Alec's startlingly quick journey from Head of the New York Institute to Inquisitor.

[scribble-dribble-writes]

Pt 5 - And if I loved you any less, I’d be able to talk about it more

<<<prev

——

Crosshair x female reader

Ex lovers to friends to lovers

——

It was easy to destroy it all, Crosshair was attuned to it, all he needed was one shot, so he took it. Now it had been days since the night he had spent with you and the silence that plagued the two of you had begun to ruin him.

Describing his feelings had always been a struggle and so he chose to pull away, to grow distant because he had witnessed the horrors of the empire and in his nightmares, he saw you in his place.

He sighed, his eyes fluttered open taking in the view of the sea in front of him as he tried his best to live the soft life when it fact he grew frustrated. He could feel the onset of his tremors and that robot telling him that it was possibly linked to whatever that was going on in his mind, he curled his fingers into a fist when he felt the soft touch of a small hand.

“A big part of meditating is letting go, brother.”, Omega’s voice rippled through him and it tightened his chest.

He couldn’t, he wasn’t able to, even now he could feel your eyes on him from up the hill as you stood next to Hunter and Wrecker, the most important people in his life now lacking trust in him.

How could he have the answers to fix the mess he had made and protect them all even at his expense?

“I don’t think this is working.”, he huffed but Omega didn’t let go of his hand.

“Then we’ll try again, together.”, she closed her eyes and looked at the sunset prompting him the do the same.

The sun was pleasant and warming but instead of looking at it, he wanted to look at you.

To try again meant to restart from the basics, to rebuild himself from scratch and that by itself was difficult when applicable to his sniper skills. But to rectify relationships and build back trust? It felt impossible.

Isn’t loyalty lost after a betrayal?

But it was hard not to move away from Omega, from his sister who believed in him, saw the light in his heart that now he was anxious not to prove her wrong. He didn’t want to fail her expectations so he sat straight and closed his eyes to take a deep breath and start the process of letting things go.

——

Wrecker was easy but that was mostly because he had missed Crosshair a lot more that he wished to talk about it. Crosshair knew this because of the sudden hugs and the immediate response to come along to run errands, Wrecker seemed to not hold a grudge.

“Look at you making friends.”, Wrecker laughed heartily when the lady by the docks had thanked Crosshair for his help. It got him to roll his eyes but he had missed this. Missed his brothers and the guilt had eaten up most parts of his spirit when he knew what he had tried to do to them.

He looked over at Wrecker and the words were on the tip of his tongue, an earnest apology but it almost seemed like Wrecker could read his thoughts when he softly jabbed his elbow into Crosshair’s.

“Do you want to try the ice cones from Sally’s shop?”, Wrecker asked.

Crosshair took it in, a small smile breaking across his face.

“I’ve been waiting to take you there, they have your favourite flavour.”, Wrecker added and all Crosshair did was nod which elicited such joy on his brother’s face that he had realised how much he had wanted to have this back.

But you and Hunter were a difficult bunch. He had betrayed one and left the other broken hearted both of which he did not know how to fix.

——

“He needs time.”, you heard Hunter’s reassurance and it confused you.

“He betrayed you and yet you take his side?”, you folded your arms to question to which he smiled.

“He’s my brother.”, Hunter stated with a soft expression as though that was enough of an explanation.

“I’ve always wished for him to come back.”, he shrugged his shoulders when you realised that his intuition about these matters were never wrong. But with Tech’s death still haunting all of you, you understood his forgiveness.

All of them had lost so much already.

“But he does need to explain his actions, I’m not letting him off that easily.”, he smiled at you and you gave a curt nod. At least you were on the same page with one thing.

“He’s much more vulnerable when he’s around you.”, Hunter stated next and your gaze grew sharp.

If he was he wouldn’t have asked you to hide your feelings. But before you could come up with a retort, Wrecker’s thunderous laugh echoed down the Marauder and you heard the sultry tone of Crosshair’s voice.

It angered you, because he had chosen to push you away. You got up to leave, Hunter taking in your discomfort or rather your pain that flashed across your face. You didn’t have to explain your actions to anyone, you wanted to get out before either you or Crosshair saw each other. But that plan had failed as he walked into the cockpit along with Wrecker, his eyes instantly finding yours.

Your heart hammering in your chest, yours eye catching his for a second and staying locked in his gaze for a bit longer before it took all of your strength to look away. Wrecker was oblivious to all of this as he passed the ice cone in his hand to Hunter, who was reading the tension between you and Crosshair like a sensor.

“I had one of every flavour.”, Wrecker chirped as he bit into the ice bar in his hand.

“Crosshair helped a lot today, everyone likes him.”, Wrecker continued to speak with his mouth full.

Hunter hummed but his eyes were on you.

“I’m not too sure of that.”, he said slyly as he took a bite from the ice cone in his hand.

“I’ve got to go help Shep with reading the data from today’s tides and to also find out if there is a way we can keep Pabu hidden from the Empire’s radar.”, you said getting up from the seat which belonged to Crosshair.

“Are you coming to the Harvest festival?”, Hunter asked but you knew him too well to know that just like his brothers, he was concocting a plan.

“I may not.”, you responded growing very aware of Crosshair’s gaze on you, as though he was waiting for your answer.

“You need to come.”, Omega said as she walked into the group. You wanted to say no but she had taken a hold of your hand.

“You promised you would last time if Crosshair was back.”, she said innocently and you heard the sharp breath Crosshair inhaled, his cool demeanour now broken as he tapped his foot.

“Yeah.”, Wrecked echoed in as though he too had just remembered your promise and you knew there was no way of escaping this.

“Ok.”, you said defeated by Omega’s and Wrecker’s enthusiasm, you were doing this for them. To hold the stability of this group to just like when it had been when they had last been on Pabu.

They moved away to chat to Hunter when you took your opportunity to slip away that as you turned you were inches away from bumping into Crosshair’s chest and you froze.

You had to try your best to not look up, it had been days since he had hinted to not wanting you around. You had avoided this proximity and seeing him for so long that all that effort was now destroyed by this moment.

You heard him inhale deeply.

He was crumbling. He wanted to tilt your chin up so you would see him. He had so much to say and he hated himself for not being able to say it.

He refrained from it, the itch in his fingers to hold you. You moved to the side just as he did and he moved to other side just as you did and it got nowhere. You and him were locked in this awkward shuffle.

You wanted to push past him when he held up something to you.

“They said it was mix of berries, fruit and cream.”, Crosshair spoke quietly, the ice cone in his hand stretched towards you, the slightest shake in his wrist as he tried to hold firm.

“I thought you might like it.”, he added and what Hunter had said began to make more sense.

You looked up at him and it squeezed your heart, the way his eyes were wide, his mouth sealed shut as though he was going to let his feelings slip.

You wanted to hurt him but you knew he had been through enough. You took the ice cone and he let his fingers brush against yours.

“Thank you.”, you said to which he nodded.

He needed time, so you were going to be soft with him. It was the least you could do.

He felt the heat creep up to his cheeks at your gesture, maybe there was a way to fix this. But he wasn’t going to force it, he wasn’t going to control the outcome based on his fears. He stepped to the side and let you go.

Crosshair watched you walk away and when he turned to looked at Omega and his brothers. All their attention was on him. But it was Hunter’s look of appreciation that mattered most to him.

Hunter dipped his head as though he was approving of this emotionally improved version of Crosshair that it felt like the best reward. It felt good to be back to where he belonged. So he took his seat and heard the ramble of words as Omega recounted her day to Hunter while Wrecker chipped in.

Crosshair’s anxiety had vained so he could finally admit to himself that he did in fact care for them so much, that now in the temporary safety of this island, he was home

Tags:

@waytoooldforthis78

[transmutationisms]

also a problem i think marks a lot of 'alternative medicine' in a specific way is the heavy reliance on mechanistic theories of disease and the deriving of treatment protocols from the practitioner's knowledge of physiology / anatomy / organic chemistry. it creates a situation where you go and you look at these people's theories and it's like well sure i can understand the argument you're making and if your premises are all correct and comprehensive, then it does seem like this treatment would work to solve the problem you describe. however it usually turns out the human body is more complicated or variable than a diagram in an anatomy textbook and these people back themselves into corners where they don't want to admit their idea didn't pan out in practice because they often have few and weak institutional links as a result of having marketed themselves as daring, heterodox, and counter-hegemonic, and now their livelihood is staked on what can best be described as "overpromising" and is often more accurately described as "lying".

orthodox medicine does ofc have the same fundamental problem with mechanistic theory failing to produce actual results (something like 1 in 27 drugs that ever gain any clinical trial will be approved for use in humans, and some of those really shouldn't even be, and that figure excludes everything that didn't even make it past the earliest stages of exploration) but there is a marginal degree of protection that is sometimes generated when dealing with pharmacological interventions approved by regulatory agencies (ie, not 'supplements'), plus prestigious medical institutions and practitioner groups tend to be sclerotic in a way not conducive to claims marketing themselves as radical and new, and instead generally favourable to treatment modalities the state likes, such as gaslighting patients and funnelling them into cbt over investigating biomarkers or pathological anatomy. noticeably different though equally insidious issues imo.

anyway i think this dynamic with alternative practices is particularly infuriating in that it drives a lot of people to dedicate significant amounts of time and energy to these particular mechanistic theories, like you will see people very admirably getting deep into the weeds on specific cellular pathways or metabolic processes or whatever else, and there's little check or context provided that would make clear the extent to which most of these ideas simply will never pan out in any appreciable way for people's quality of life. like you're told you need to, basically, become an expert in your own disease, you can solve it and fix your life if only you can gain the skills to wade through this 9999th paper on whatever it is! only what happens when it turns out the published research does not have a full grasp of whatever biological processes you're trying to understand?

in a certain way this whole dynamic just serves the interests of the medical establishment anyway: the promise is always that the knowledge is out there (or, it will be any day now) and it leaves little room for political or philosophical critique of WHAT knowledge, exactly, is out there and how it's produced and what these methods accomplish and whom they serve. yknow, you just need to find the next dizzyingly complicated overlabelled chemical flowchart made by a maligned secret genius doctor that will explain exactly how it all works. and then the body will for sure obey that. because THIS person is the one who has finally learned all the rules, and THIS time they'll work in practice exactly like they do on paper. we prommy

[krirebr]

So, I've been going back and forth about sharing this here but it's really been dominating my thoughts for the last two days, and while I've talked about it a lot with friends, I'm hoping that writing everything down will help me process things. And maybe other people, especially aspec people might be able to relate.

I mentioned on Wednesday that I'd had a really terrible evening that had really shaken and upset me. Below the cut, I want to share what happened.

TWs for references to depression, aphobia, exclusionism, and bad therapy (there's probably a better word for it but I'm not sure what it would be.)

So some of you know that I started this year with a pretty intense depressive episode. It was bad enough that I had to take a leave of absence from work and pretty much spent that whole time crying in bed. It's taken a lot of work over the last few months to get myself back to a more stable place. A big part of that work has been regularly going to therapy.

I went to therapy on and off as a kid and in college, but not at all since then. All of my previous therapeutic experience was long before I came out as aroace. There's a long, ongoing history of aspec identities being medicalized and pathologized and that's something I was very aware of while looking for a therapist this time around. But I was also really desperate for help. So I chose as wisely as I could and crossed my fingers.

I chose a queer therapist who specialized in LGBTQ issues. I told them I was aroace in my first session and while they didn't seem very familiar at all, they also didn't make me overly explain myself or want to focus on that rather than the very real and urgent issues I had come to them for, which is what I'd been most worried about.

As I continued to meet with them weekly, they would sometimes ask questions about it, and while it was pretty clear they didn't really get it, they were respectful about it and it wasn't interfering with the help I actually needed.

That brings me to my appointment this Wednesday. I didn't have anything really pressing to discuss so they asked about my plans for the week and I mentioned that I was getting my hair cut and I was excited because I've been feeling lately like my hair is really hetero (I use that word instead of straight because my hair is so, so curly 😂) and I was looking forward to having queer hair again. They stopped. "Wait," they said, "I'm confused. Why did you use that word to describe yourself?" It had never occurred to them that aspec identities would be considered part of the queer community. They, in fact, had an incredibly narrow definition of the word queer - gay, just gay. And they didn't consider asexuality or aromanticism to be orientations at all.

My memories of the following conversation are pretty jumbled, but some highlights included such chestnuts as "What if you meet the right person one day?", asserting that the A in LGBTQIA+ stands for ally, there has to be a sexual component to romantic relationships, and "everyone has to have attraction, humans are sexual beings." They also said that we should dig into my childhood going forward because they were sure there was something there that caused this. I had a pretty traumatic middle school experience (bullying and some psychosomatic stuff that stemmed from that) and they were pretty eager to blame all that for this.

I became increasingly defensive and combative as this conversation went on (which if you know me, isn't like me at all). It ended with us both feeling very bad and uncomfortable.

I think they kind of came around a little bit by the end. They seemed open to educating themselves and even sent me a link to an article they'd found after our session. And that's great, I guess? But the whole thing made me want to crawl out of my skin. I cried a lot when I got home.

I'm not exactly sure what to do from here. My initial plan was to go next week, talk through what happened, offer some context for why I had gotten so defensive, and discuss together whether this was going to be a good long-term fit. But that's feeling less and less likely the more I think about it (I haven't been able to stop thinking about it). This is just such a big part of who I am. And it's a part of myself that I like and am proud of! And I just can't imagine a situation where I would ever feel safe talking about this aspect of my life with them. And I don't really want therapy where I'm constantly having to censor myself. So do I even go to my next appointment? I really don't know.

I know there's a lot of hopelessness in the aspec community around getting mental health care and I really don't want to add to that. I don't want to believe that we can't get help for our actual issues without mental health professionals just wanting to fix things that don't actually need to be fixed. And I hope that's not the moral or ultimate outcome of this story. I've talked to my very lovely network of queer friends and several of them have already said that they'll reach out to their contacts to find some recommendations for me. I deserve to get the help that I need in a space that is actually safe. And my need isn't as urgent as I was. I can take my time now to find someone I'm fully comfortable with.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared this. I don't always get so personal on here. And some of you have already heard it (thank you for being such good friends, seriously). But it's just been festering inside of me for the past two days and I really needed to share it. Thank you for listening.

[soaringwide]

Pick a Card readings - what I learned as a viewer/consumer

Part 02 of my vision of the use of pick a card readings. I’m someone who makes them but I also consume them as a viewer. I wanted to combine both in a post but it’s too damn long so I divided in two parts. Part 1, reader (link); and this is part 2, consumer.

Part 02 - From a viewer point of view

Link to part 01 here

I discovered pick a cards readings on YouTube back in 2017, was super into them for like a couple years before distancing myself from that whole thing due to realizing the spiritual bullshit I was getting myself into (it's a story on its own, so perhaps I'll go back to it at another time).

Found my way back to them back in December 2023, again on YouTube, then Tumblr, due to a specific love situation I needed insight on but for some reason wasn't willing or able to divine on on my own.

The Good & the Bad

I definitely think that they can bring actual insight to a situation. There were many time where I was blown-away by how accurately a pile described my situation, despite feeling like I was just ''randomly'' choosing the first one that pulled me in.

It's definitely an interesting exercise of intuition, to see if you're connected well to yourself and if you're able to grab the thread that shines with your color the most. It's quite fun to see that some days it seems really easy to find your pile from the first try, and some days you just struggle, or don't find it at all.

It's a nice way to get familiar with the feeling of your intuition ''clicking'' when you're looking at all the piles, and makes you realize that it's something that's available to a lot of people, and that's fascinating on its own.

That whole thing made me think about what was happening exactly. Like, is this internet reader I've never interacted with actually reading on my personal energy or situation? I don't think so. I went into it a bit in part 01 but yeah I think those readings target too general energies for that. I see it more like story lines floating in the air, and the reader is guided towards translating one of them (by who or why, I don't fucking know).

Don't get me wrong, it might still be accurate because we human are unique but we also are all the fucking same deep down, and history repeats itself all the time.

It's a game of resonance, as in, you're naturally drawn to the pile that holds the same note as the one you hold inside. And sometimes you do stumble upon a reading that is so crazy specific that it seems like it was made just for you. Not gonna get too into that because I found this post by @helianthus-tarot that explains it very well already.

However, something I've experienced myself and anyone has to be super careful about, is to not over do it.

I think it's very easy to end up in a toxic cycle when you keep looking at tarot spreads about the same topics. What happens is that you keep getting slightly different answers, which make you confused about the situation, so you want to find more, and confuse yourself even further in the process, thus starting an obsessive cycle of not feeling satisfied with anything.

It also removes your sense of agency. You end up trusting what you read online more than your own intuition and guidance and you abandon yourself, in a way.

I'm saying that because I went through phases where I was ob-sess-ed with those damn PAC because of a love situation that was frustrating me a lot, and my mood would actually fluctuate a ton if I got a good one or a bad one. It's like I was trapped inside my own head and was just mirroring the chaos happening within me and mistaking it for reality. It's possible that some of them were actually real but I had no way of knowing because I was seeking as many PAC in a day as I could, thus drowning any useful message and keeping myself in a state of fear that colored everything else.

So yeah that's your PSA to be more mindful about what PAC you decide to read or watch. Don't just read everything all the time. Take breaks and only do it if you actually have a clear issue in mind and feel called to a reading, and once you get the message you needed, let it rest until you or the situation develops further.

[foxes-that-run]

Boyfriends

A self aware take on Boyfriends, including Harry and boyfriends of those he cares for. The lyric video features a lone swan, a symbol of commitment. Harry was with a swan in every image for his May 20 2019 Gucci Campaign, released the week Boyfriends was first written. Harry and Taylor were pictured with a Swan on her birthday when they went to The Lakes. Harry who has spoken about the song with pride and deference. Let's start with the gorgeous first take:

Harry said to Zane Lowe it was written at the end of Fine Line:

"There was an extra week where we wrote some stuff, wrote Adore you, TPWK and we were recording Lights Up. [...] At the end of that session everyone left and I started writing Boyfriends and it almost felt like OK there is a version where we get this ready to put on this album, and I think there was something about it where it felt like it's going to have it's time. [...] I am learning so much by saying it [...] It is both acknowledging my own behaviour, looking at behaviour I have witnessed and looking at I grew up with a sister, so it's like watching her date people and watching friends date people and you know people don't treat each other nicely sometimes. And it turned out about boyfriends because I started paying it and saying boyfriends. [...]Just say what you think of boyfriends.

Harry was in the studio from 15 May 2019, the Swan Gucci Campaign was released on he and Taylors anniversary that week. It was also 2 weeks after Me! Was released. When speaking about Boyfriends Harry constantly mentions these other songs. They have a common theme about the impact of the behaviour of others on his relationships and self, true his nature it is subtle and gentle:

Adore you's video asks fans to respect the partner(s) of his choosing, in contrast to fan reaction who he dates.

TPWK, as the title says, Harry told Rolling Stone " It made me uncomfortable at first, [...] I feel like that song opened something that’s been in my core.”

Lights Up - to Rolling Stone Harry spoke about stepping out from 1D on his own, the lyrics of "I'm not ever going back" and "All the lights couldn't put out the dark running through my heart", link the experience of the band and fandom to mental health and knowing who he is, rather than who others want him to be.

To me, coming at the end of that session adds to Harry taking ownership his role in failed relationships in that time by being unaware of the impact his 1D persona. fan treatment of his partner(s) and emotional unavailability. Taylor has also described her anxiety dating him in Slut! and Gold Rush. However, as Harry said, it is not limited to himself. On its release at Coachella, (3 years after it was written) "To Boyfriends Everywhere, F*** you". This was weeks after Taylor wrote You're Losing Me about Joe. His face to the end of this is everything:

Setlist and Tracklisting

Harry placed Boyfriends on HH between Satellite and LOML. Harry stopped playing Boyfriends after November 15 2022, when he played it live with Ben Harper at the end of the L.A. Forum residency. It was only played once in 2023, at Wembley June 16. The next night was the only time he played Sweet Creature since 2018. When it was on the setlist it proceeded LOML or Lights Up.

Ben Harper

To Variety Ben Harper said: "It was a wonderful recording session — one of the most memorable and most musical I’ve ever been a part of. [...] Harry invited me to stick around because he wanted to finish the song right then and there. To get to watch Harry in his process was eye-opening, and I learned a lot. [...] Yeah, I mean, he orchestrated the vocal harmonies like a classical composer, spot on, note for note. He just stacked them perfectly in pitch, one better than the next, and it was really eye-opening to see somebody step on the mic and have the parts orchestrated in his head. I’ve never seen anything like it actually."

Lyrics

Hoo Niaga ti ta kcab er'uoy, loof Boyfriends They think you're so easy They take you for granted They don't know they're just misunderstanding you You, you're back at it again

The opening is Backwards 'Ooh Fool, you’re back at it again'. Sunflower Vol 6 also opens with 'Sunflower' backwards. I think of this as about a backwards life, success followed by a normal life.

The first verse describes how boyfriends take their partner for granted and misunderstand.

Weakened When you get deep in He starts secretly drinking It gets hard to know what he's thinking You love a fool who knows just how to get under your skin You, you, you still open the door

The second verse describes where partner has met their guard down some boyfriends withdraw, and start drinking. Harry has sung of this before in Half the world away “I’ve started drinking”. Harry has mentioned drinking in other songs, but HTWA has a similar meaning, of drinking in secret to cope.

Harry touches on common themes in his discography:

Not communicating, similar to MMIH “we don’t talk about it”

Not getting over this person - Getting under you skin is a reference to Taylor’s The Lakes: “What should be over burrowed under my skin in heart-stopping waves of hurt” and IWYW “You always knew how to push my buttons”

Doors - here Harry's muse is opening the door, Harry has 7 songs that refer to knocking, opening or not opening doors. Taylor also has 13 songs about Harry and doors.

You're no closer to him Now you're halfway home Only calling you when Don't wanna be alone Oh, and you go Why? You don't know

While the first 2 verses the Boyfriend was uncommunicative, emotionally unavailable and didn't consider their partner. In the third verse the boyfriend and partner are learning from failed relationships, but still no closer. Now the boyfriend is only calling when they want company, rather than to be there for their partner.

Halfway home: The X Account 'I am Halfway Home' was started to promote HH. The term could have several meanings:

a Halfway house is a place to reintegrate into society from an institution.

The song is a play on words of having no more emotional closeness despite being physically halfway home, and

Halfway home is the name of a documentary about the toll war takes on veterans and their families.

Home is an important theme to Harry's work, Home meaning being with the right person rather than a physical place. To me, this lyric is Harry is saying that despite his growth since leaving the band and break down of this relationship they are still not emotionally closer.

Boyfriends Are they just pretending? They don't tell you where it's heading And you know the game's never ending You, you lay with him as you stay in the daydream You feel a fool You're back at it again

The closing of the song is a sense that the boyfriend is being a player, not communicating.

But Harry's muse gives in, wanting to stay in a dream. Slut! has a similar idea of choosing to stay in a love haze when you know it's not going to last "Got lovestruck, went straight to my head / Got lovesick, all over my bed / Love to think you'll never forget / Handprints in wet cement". Harry also says this in Daydreaming: "Livin' in a daydream"

Harry and Taylor have both used 'fool' in reference to their relationship before (in Fools Gold, Cardigan, Illicit Affairs, Joker and the Queen and in Long Pond Taylor said it 7 times about James in Betty.)

Finally, it refers to the cyclical nature of their relationship with 'back at it again' as OOTW 'built to fall apart and back together' and Style "when we go crashing down we come back every time' and many other songs.