#but come s11 I no longer care

[morganas-pendragons]

I’m rewatching the OG days of Greys Anatomy after witnessing Meredith’s catastrophic exit (which is so funny to me lol) and real growth is realizing the best character developments and characters in general are Mark, Amelia, Addison and Lexie.

SHOUTOUT TO ADDISON MONTGOMERY GOTTA BE MY FAVORITE REDHEAD ON TV

[whenmuldermetscully]

XF Rewatch - S11

I have unpopular opinions but I feel like GA Stans are gonna jump me fr

Mulder and Scully being estranged is so unbelievably comical bc they act anything but. And the writing of Plus One? In IWTB they kiss so casually, so second nature to them, and here??? Chris did you forget?? You want to talk about ‘old’ let’s start with how they’re too old to be having a situationship.. them? At their grown age???

It’s a shame that s11 wasn’t longer because I feel like David/Gillian really started to hit their stride.

The church scene in Nothing Lasts Forever is probably the best scene in the entire revival.

CSM is not William’s father. Cmon. How I got swept up even in the tiniest bit of doubt and anger over this even for a milisecond, the first time around, I’ll never know. But rewatching DUH OF COURSE he’s full of shit, when have we EVER! —- which brings me to the crazy last scene. 17 years of heartache and grief all to be undone with no less than a “well just as we feared, he’s an experiment”. Scully of all people so quickly accepted it.

William asking Mulder how come he can’t see his visions. Well neither can CSM so… *shrug* Sorry boys, this is Mommy/Son bonding time. Also JAIL - scully’s only encounter with William as William, was in the morgue as he was assumed dead — while Mulder got to hug his grown son?

I am Team 2nd Baby, but I always envisioned a second baby around pre IWTB or not too long post IWTB…. not THE REVIVAL. But well now that it’s been printed (*long drag of a cigarette*) I will cut a bitch if Chris puts them through hell with this second baby. If there’s a reboot — that child better already be 7 years old and WELL or istg I will BE IN YOUR WALLS CHRISTOPHER. And Chris… if you even think about pulling some ‘history repeats itself’ shit like William with his sister and then some kind of attempted abduction happens on her in his care, like Samantha……..

[spicyicymeloncat]

Okay so I have a draft detailing how I think a Ninjago “greatest fear” episode would go down, but it got very long. So I’m gonna try and shorten it.

The gist of it is that somewhere along the way, the ninja come to fight someone who has the ability to trap them in a nightmare (idk elemental master of sleep? Or fear?), and they each have to face a scenario representing their deepest fears. This story would have to take place before Seabound bc Nya’s still kicking and Lloyd hasn’t gotten over his angst that is addressed in Crystalised. Warning, I’m going brutal with the angst :). Tw for discussion of Cole’s dead mother, loss of autonomy in Zane’s, and severe unreality in Jay’s section.

Kai is traversing through a dark dungeon, much like the pyramid from s11, except it’s so dark he can’t see anything. The other ninja are there and ask him to light the way with his fire powers but he can’t seem to get his powers to work. Something mysterious seems to be attacking them because one by one the other ninja seem to disappear violently, while Kai struggles to help. His fear is based on feeling useless, especially without his powers, and consequently losing the people he cares for.

Cole is on an ordinary street. Some people come up to him and ask him favours to hold stuff, like their shopping or their cat. He starts to carry everything and these tasks pile up, becoming more important, someone’s baby, and old person trying to cross the street, a car. He starts struggling under the weight and can hear the crowd of people whisper, thinking he’ll drop everything, when suddenly he sees his father who tells him “Do not disappoint this family”. Suddenly the giant statue of his mother (from s13) falls to land on Cole’s shoulders. Cole’s fear is based on the extreme pressure he feels he has to live up to, as the strongest ninja on the team, and as the son of his hard to please father, and heroic deceased mother.

Zane can feel someone replacing his body. Replacing hard drives and his internal cores and coding something into him that he does not want. He feels his feelings change to thoughts he cannot control and he feels the warm memories he cherished start to disappear. He feels disoriented and alone, not knowing who he is and what he must do. He hears cold voices give him cruel orders and he is unable to disobey being he no longer has that ability. He is ordered to destroy life, starting with a small, helpless bird. Zane’s fear is based on both the fear of having your robotic body being taken advantage of, and losing his sense of self to become purely a machine. It’s very reminiscent of Vex’s control of him as the Ice Emperor as well as his frequent experiences of losing his memories and subsequently his self purpose and sense of identity. Also the bird is his own falcon.

Jay wakes up on a movie set. They had just finished filming an episode of Ninjago, a hit tv show. Jay is confused when the people he thought were his teammates and family, turn out to be actors who don’t even know him. The actress for Nya doesn’t recognise as anything more than a coworker. Jay is greeted by a stranger who claims to be Cliff Gordon, his real father. Confused, Jay leaves, and drives through an unfamiliar city, to find a junkyard. In the junkyard he thinks he sees Ed and Edna, only to look closer and it was just odd piles of trash. Jay’s fear is falling out of touch of reality, losing all the things that ground him and losing the people he cares about. In the series Jay has a difficult relationship with reality, and in times of stress he tends to turn to deluding himself about his situations (like crystalized or s9). Also he also has s6 trauma of none of it happening and also having the secret of his adoption revealed the manner it was.

Nya is alone on a ship in the middle of the ocean. She watched as the other ninja summoned elemental dragons and left, saying they were on an important mission. They left to where she can’t follow because she’s just ordinary, and she has no potential unlike them. And she’ll never catch up. The boat’s training course is still up and so she runs through the course, falling halfway through at the same place each time. She can’t shake feelings of doubt as the sea rocks the boat in a painfully steady rhythm. The sky never changes from its murky stillness, and time doesn’t seem to pass. Everything stops aside from the tired rocking of the sea and a begrudging Nya continuing to go through the course with the knowledge she’ll never pass it. Nya’s fear is based on her feeling isolated from the ninja and feeling like she’ll never be respected or treated like them. It’s also based on her fear of never realising her true potential and feeling like there was nothing inherently important or talented about her, feeling ordinary and mundane. It’s also based on all the times she was left on the Destiny’s Bounty alone.

Lloyd looks at a mirror and cannot see himself. Instead he sees a monster. Curved horns and deadly eyes. What’s worse is that he can’t feel himself. He feels anger, the sting of a betrayal, disappointment for letting himself be vulnerable, for failing to save others, for letting his emotions get to him and turn him from this. He’s the green ninja. He’s supposed to be a beacon of hope, of never giving up. And yet he’s giving in to these emotions and feels himself losing any qualities that he liked about himself. Qualities his family loved him for. What’s left is a despicable monster, unfeeling and underserving of love or forgiveness. He laughs knowing this isn’t just his fear, but also his father’s greatest fear, of Lloyd following in his footsteps. Lloyd’s fear is becoming the worst of his father as well as failing as the green ninja, two concepts that are actually the same thing, as the evil Garmadon is a representation of giving up, and the green ninja is a symbol of not giving up. Lloyd is also afraid of his own emotions and failures (at least post Harumi, when being vulnerable combined with feeling responsibly for letting her down, carried on being an issue for him all throughout wildbrain). This also links to Lloyd feeling unlovable all the way back in s1 when he was literally ostracised from all societies because of his father, and Lloyd feeling like because of how much he hates his father in the present, it makes him more afraid of himself.

I feel like the way the ninja escape their nightmares are through merits of their own, and I kinda want it to be linked to the 6 virtues of spinjitzu bc it works.

Kai ends up forgoing his powers, realising he alone is enough and he’s capable of protecting others with or without his powers, charging into the dark to save the ninja, having courage.

Cole takes a breath and start putting things down and organising how to carry his burdens and making it more stable, having balance.

Zane is tricky bc in his scenario he literally lost the ability to feel kindness, but perhaps he has to let himself accept kindness as he manages to stall himself and let the falcon help him idkkk.

Jay has to face his father, and confront the truth that Cliff is his birth father, and as a result, Cliff guides him out of the dream and into the real world, having honesty.

Nya must break out of monotony and start to explore her other options, herself and the sea. She realises there’s more to the rocking, and the waves seem to have a life it’s own. She befriends the ocean and allows it to help her, realising her hydrokinesis once again, after having the curiosity to find out.

Lloyd visualises his redeemed father, and hangs on to his words of wisdom, to not be afraid (from s4). Lloyd rationalises, that he can be loved, even in s1 when he was at his worst, he was still taken in. And even now, as his father is at his worst, in their last interactions, his father fought on the side of good. Hope is not lost and he can learn to control this fear, using his and his father’s wisdom.

Side note: Wu’s greatest fear would be living in an unkempt monastery alone bc he failed every single person he had ties with and as a result they are gone and he is alone. And Pixal’s greatest fear is not being useful, not being able to do anything to help her friends and family (survivors guilt and loss of autonomy).

[my-mt-heart]

I think I mentioned before that the love triangle is my least favorite trope. It just feels very YA to me, less mature, which definitely doesn’t fit a relationship like Daryl’s and Carol’s, nor their individual characters who are so careful with their hearts. Creating foils for them on the other hand has been very illuminating in some instances. 

Even though I don’t like Carol and Ezekiel together at all, I do like seeing Daryl’s jealous side. It’s not a typical jealousy because nothing about Daryl’s character is typical, but it causes him to turn inward and weigh his worth against Ezekiel’s. He knows he’s no king, he isn’t charming, he isn’t a leader, so in his mind, he can’t possibly be good enough for Carol. 

But we as an audience learn through the different interactions between all three characters that he could not be more wrong. Daryl understands Carol in ways Ezekiel never could, always putting her needs before his own, respecting her boundaries and her independence. He’s the one who has Carol’s heart, the one who immediately makes her smile when he gives her a gift, the one she’ll say “I love you” to. 

The “triangle” if you can really call it that, only takes a wrong turn for me in S11. Carol and Ezekiel do not need to get closure from each other ten times over. They don’t need a long shared arc with far more screentime than the relationship we’re actually invested in, and we don’t need the question of will they/won’t they [get back together] hanging over our heads so close to wrapping the series. Knowing how to use foils also means knowing when they’ve stopped being useful all together. 

The same can be said about Carol’s foils. On one hand, Daryl’s and Connie’s dynamic shows us how much Carol is struggling to love herself for who she is. She thinks she’s a bad person, unworthy of Daryl’s love, despite loving him so much she’s ready to sacrifice her own chance of happiness so he can be happy with someone she perceives as “good.” 

The romance she keeps pushing for never actually happens though, which in itself reminds us Daryl isn’t an alpha male. He can’t pursue every woman who happens to interact with him. He can’t test the waters with someone he likes or respects. He needs to fall in love first, he needs time, he needs depth, he needs Carol. And that’s all really sweet, but the longer the “Connie” arc drags out, the more superficial it becomes, accomplishing nothing for any of the characters and leaving every viewer unhappy. 

Speaking of which, adding Leah to that mix is probably one of TWD’s most controversial writing decisions that everyone (rightfully) resents. It didn’t have to end on such a bitter note though. Unlike killing off Glenn and Carl, which there is absolutely no walking back from, risking Daryl’s character integrity for a random relationship could have at least been the catalyst for Daryl and Carol to finally go canon. The set up is there. We get the parallels between Carol and Leah to tell us who Daryl really chooses and why, but it ultimately goes nowhere. Carol and Leah don’t even get to interact. [Insert long, angry rant about that here]. 

I’m not looking for a do-over on any of these arcs or for any new ship to take their place (for the love of god, stop with the ship baiting). The more love interests Daryl and Carol garner, the less they feel like themselves and we’re already teetering on the brink of unrecognizable with this ridiculous France premise. But, if there’s more to come for Caryl, some acknowledgement would be good. It only takes a few lines of dialogue to explain to the characters and to the audience why Carol didn’t return Zeke’s feelings, why it wasn’t like that with Connie, why Daryl really got together with Leah. And if handled with care, it could be very impactful 

[numinousmysteries]

Vanquish by Wisdom Hellish Wiles (5/9)

Started this 6 years ago after first seeing the trailer for season 11. Takes place immediately after MSII and ignores all of S11. On AO3 Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4

@today-in-fic

East. William had to head east. He didn’t know exactly where, but he felt the direction tugging at him like the needle on a compass. After examining the bus schedule at the small station in town and counting up the cash and change in his wallet, he decided to take a local bus to Casper and then transfer to the Greyhound headed to St. Louis. He technically only had enough money for a ticket to Omaha, but that still left him with nearly 10 hours of time to think.

The local bus to Casper was nearly empty. William didn’t make eye contact with the driver, but the older man didn’t seem to care or even notice that a teenager was boarding alone in the middle of a school day. The driver pulled the door close and started driving away from the station before William even had a chance to sit down. 

He chose a seat toward the back and leaned his head against the cool glass of the window. Think . He commanded his brain to summon up something, anything, that could give him a clue how to find his parents but he didn’t see anything. Thoughts were racing through his mind so quickly that it almost seemed like he wasn’t thinking at all. He struggled to picture the red-haired woman he knew to be his mother, or the man on the beach, but their faces were blurred and distorted in his mind’s eye. 

As the bus pulled up to the next stop he considered getting off and turning around. Maybe this was a mistake and he should have gone with Monica. At least she had a plan and he could learn more before deciding if he wanted to be a part of it. But then he remembered looking into the eyes of the man on the beach, the man he knows is his father, and he felt more determined than ever that he had to find his parents.

Oddly, two men in suits and sunglasses board the bus at the next stop. William looks up nervously from his seat in the back and see them approach the driver. He looks down at his lap to try to seem inconspicuous.

“We have to hold you here for a moment. We’re doing a sweep for illegal border crossers,” said one of the suited men.

Border crossers? In Wyoming? William frowned to himself. That didn't make any sense. 

“Do what you gotta do,” said the driver, clearly apathetic to whatever was going on. 

The men started making their way down the aisle giving cursory glances to the handful of other passengers. William kept staring at his hands on his lap hoping to avoid their attention.

“Son,” the first man said as he approached William. He has a square jaw, buzzed short hair and was still wearing his sunglasses with mirrored lenses. “Do you have any identification?”

“Um, I have my learner’s permit?” William said hesitantly but made no move to retrieve it from his backpack. 

“William, you’re going to have to come with us,” said the second man, impatiently. 

“How do you know my name?” William felt his heart racing and he clutched his backpack closer to his chest as if it had any power to protect him.

“We don’t have time for this, William.” It was the second man again. He was taller than his companion and with slightly longer hair but the same suit and sunglasses. “It’s in your best interest to come with us.” 

William didn’t budge. He froze in place staring straight ahead at the seat in front of him when he felt hands on his arms pulling him up out of the seat. The first man lifted him up by the sleeves of his sweatshirts and dragged him up the aisle.

“Help!” William cried out, but the handful of other passengers avoided his eyes and the bus driver only gave him a shrug before the men pushed him down the stairs.

The driver closed the bus door behind him and started driving away. 

“What’s going on?” William felt his heart racing. The plan to work with Monica and his grandfather had all seemed manageable when he was sitting in her office discussing it, but this reality felt new and scary. 

"Your grandfather was very upset you didn’t show up to meet him today,” said the shorter man. “He sent us to come get you.”

“But how did you find me?”

The two men grinned at each other and William’s eyes flitted between them.

“You think a powerful man like your grandfather doesn’t have eyes everywhere?” said the taller man. “Now come on, they’re expecting you.” 

The two men grabbed William from either side and shoved him toward a black sedan waiting in the bust stop parking lot. He looked around to see if there was anyone he could cry out to for help, but the rest of the lot was abandoned. He ducked his head as the shorter man pushed him into the backseat while the taller man got into the driver’s seat. As the driver sat down his jacket opened up and William could see a holstered gun in his belt. 

He swallowed hard. This was really happening. Two armed men had kidnapped him and were taking him to meet his supposed grandfather so he could help him survive an alien invasion. If he weren’t so terrified in the moment he would have laughed because it all sounded so insane. Instead, he stared out the window as the car pulled out of the parking lot and onto the highway. 

They drove in silence for more than an hour, headed east on Route 26 with nothing to see but empty fields and blue skies. 

“No gas stations in this state?” The driver said as he turned to the shorter man in the passenger seat. 

Not much of anything here , William wanted to respond but was still too paralyzed by terror to speak. 

“Might have to turn off the highway,” said the shorter man.

“No!” William called out from the backseat. “There’s a big service station in a few miles. I’ve been down this way with my parents before. I think so, anyway.”

“Want to be more specific?” asked the driver.

“Um, I don’t remember. But it’s coming up. Don’t get off the highway,” William said. He was only vaguely confident in this. He knew that he’d driven on this road with his parents before and there were gas stations sparsely spread out. He also knew he’d have a better chance of finding someone who could help him at a busy highway rest stop rather than a single-pump gas station in a rural Wyoming town.

“He doesn’t remember,” said the shorter man with a chuckle. “Kid’s supposed to be the savior of all mankind and he can’t give us solid directions.” 

“Well, we’ll take your word for it, kid,” said the driver. “Not like we have any better ideas.” 

William held his breath as the miles ticked by until finally he saw a large service station with a rest stop on the horizon.

“There you go,” said the driver who spotted it nearly at the same time. “Maybe he’s psychic after all.” 

They pulled up to a pump at the gas station and the driver got out to fill up the car. 

“Can I, um, go to the bathroom?”William asked. 

The shorter man in the passenger seat sighed and then said, “Fine, but I’m coming with you. And don’t try anything stupid.”

The rest stop wasn’t extensive, just a small coffee shop and a single-person bathroom. The shorter man peeked into the bathroom first and then, after finding no windows or other means of escape, pushed William inside.

“Be quick,” he said. “I’ll be right outside.” 

William walked in, locked the door behind him, and tried to come up with a plan. 

Growing up, his ability to see what others were thinking or subtly move objects with his mind would come and go. His “therapy” with Monica was all about learning to focus his power by tuning out all external stimuli. She also helped him unlock a new skill—how to subtly shift other people’s perception and create a new reality. He could use it to make himself appear to be someone else or even make himself, in the eyes of others at least, invisible.

He still hadn’t quite mastered this newest ability, but If there were a time he needed to do it, it was now.  Like water , he reminded himself, flow like water . Monica had a hippy-dippy way of speaking that could make him laugh but some of her sayings stuck with him. He took a deep inhale and closed his eyes, imagining the atoms of his physical body shifting into a fluid state. 

Then he opened the bathroom door. He stared straight at the shorter man sent to guard him but there was no look of recognition. Instead, the man looked puzzled. He swiveled his head from side to side, searching. 

It worked, William thought to himself. He wasn’t sure how long he could make this last so he took advantage of the moment and sprinted through the rest stop and back out into the parking lot. The driver was still filling up the car and didn’t even look up when the door to the service station swung open. 

He reached into his pocket for his phone but then realized contacting his family or anyone else could potentially put them in danger. There was also the chance he was being tracked by his phone. With that thought, he took the phone out of his pocket and tossed it across the lot. The sound of it hitting the pavement caught the attention of the driver at the car and he looked up but didn’t register William.

The lot was sparsely populated and William evaluated his options. Two semi trucks were parked around the other side of the building. He ducked in between them and concentrated on reorienting himself to sensory details, the feeling of the wind on his skin, the smell of gasoline from the pumps, just like Monica had taught him, to bring himself back into his own body.

“You lost?” he heard a voice and nearly jumped in shock. William spun around and saw a truck driver peering at him from the window in the cab. 

“I- I was on a field trip….with my school and I think the bus left without me,” he said.  

“Anyone you can call?” asked the driver.

“I don’t have my phone.” 

“Well, do you know where they were headed?”

“Um, South Carolina?” William heard the words as if someone else was speaking them. Where did that come from? he wondered.  

“Damn.” The driver whistled. “That’s a long drive. Well, I can take you as far as Chicago if that helps.” 

“That’d be a huge help, thanks, sir,” he said.

“No problem. Hop in.”

William climbed up to the passenger side of the cab.

“I’m Jake by the way,” said the driver.

“William,” he said. 

Jake started up the engine and turned the truck toward the highway. William glanced back at the parking lot and saw the two men who’d taken him from the bus standing in front of their car arguing. Neither paid any attention to the semi-truck driving away.

William tried focusing on the images in his mind of his birth mother. He didn’t know why, but he felt confident that he had to find her—and his biological father—to learn the truth.

[addictedtostorytelling]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer about Abby Fisher! You sort of answered this in your original response, but if you wouldn't mind elaborating, how would you have written an arc like that? In canon, we see Sara connect to so many victims/survivors in a way that impacts her own mental wellbeing, and I am wondering what it might look like if that connection was maybe drawn out longer than the arc of one episode, especially because the Abby plot has all the holes you pointed out.

hi, anon!

unsurprisingly, my answer got away from me here, so in case you don't want to read this whole monstrosity, the tl;dr version is:

i'd move the storyline up, making both sara and the kid older when it took place. i'd also show their relationship develop in real time as opposed to inserting it into previously established narrative as a retcon. from there, i'd change certain details to make it more feasible that sara and the kid could stay in contact. finally, i'd put different kinds of narrative pressure on sara to make her more willing and able to open up to the kid regarding her own past.

much, much longer version after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

so to start off here, let's discuss the background specs for this potential arc:

as mentioned in the previous post, i'm convinced this storyline would actually work better and be more viable if it were to take place with an older sara who had already "come out the other side" on her s4/s5 story arc and achieved some stability and healing in her life.

i just can't really see her being prepared to adopt a mentorship role for a vulnerable child probably any earlier than s6.

that said, i also think the most ideal time for the story to unfold would be sometime after her breakdown in s8/s9, as well.

for me, the real sweet spot with her would probably be in the s10/s11 range, when she is happy, settled, stable, and thriving (and also has some free time on her hands because grissom is living abroad).

i'm likewise of the opinion that the story itself would work better if we saw sara's bond with the kid in question develop in real time, as opposed to being told about its development long after the fact (and being asked to believe that sara has maintained this really significant and even life-changing relationship for the past ten years that we have nevertheless known nothing about until present).

along those same lines, i also think the storyline would work better if the kid in question were older than five years-old when sara actually bonded with them.

the kid can still be around early elementary school-age (between 5 and 8 years-old) during the commission of the original crime that puts them into contact with csi, but when sara finally gets to know them and adopts that mentorship role in their life, they should be older, between 15 and 18 years-old.

though i don't actually believe sara is bad with small children—again, i am the one writing a sprawling geek!baby au right now—i think the fact that she thinks she is bad with small children would make her reluctant to try to befriend one (see, for example, her protestations to grissom about taking care of brenda collins in episode 01x07 "blood drops").

that so, i tend to suppose she would have an easier time dropping her guard and bonding with a somewhat older foster child in the preteen to teen age group than she would with a literal kindergartener.

i also think that her dynamic with an older kid would just plain be more interesting than one with a younger kid (because older kids can be held morally and intellectually accountable in ways younger kids can't).

as for the kid's foster situation, i think that whereas episode 15x12 "dead woods" has abby fisher in a relatively new placement with foster parents who don't know her as well as sara supposedly does, in this scenario, it would work better to say that the kid had been in the current placement for several years and that their foster parents know them well.

since sara seemingly never experienced that kind of long-term stability in a single placement herself—according to her conversation with glynnis in episode 05x10 "no humans involved," she bounced around a lot—she might end up being a little bit weird and flighty about the kid's situation in an "i'm not quite sure how to relate" type of way that would make this whole scenario more interesting.

so then thinking of the scenario itself:

let's imagine this story as a three-episode arc (which i'm going to title the "memoriae sacrum" arc).

like i said in my other post, i'm not 100% married to the "foster kid realizes, ten years ex post facto, that their father was not in fact a murderer" storyline (particularly as i find it somewhat ham-fisted), but for the purposes of this thought exercise, we can more or less stick to those bare bones.

that said, one element from the original storyline we're definitely not going to retain is the part where they retconned the nature of sara's father's abuse from what we had always known it to be in earlier seasons.

episode 1

in real life, gary dourdan became a persona non grata at cbs after he left csi under unpleasant circumstances back in 2008—hence the reason why tptb at the show never brought warrick back even in flashback in any subsequent seasons.

that so, if these were "real episodes," there'd probably be no way to swing an appearance from him.

however, let's imagine this arc more like a fic, where we can play around with what characters we want.

so let's say that back in 2000 or 2001 or so, sara and warrick work an apparent murder-suicide case together wherein a father seemingly kills his wife and eldest child and severely wounds his youngest child, shooting them*, before dispatching of himself.

* i don't really think the gender of the kid would matter, so imagine what you like here. this kid can still be abby fisher or it could be anyone else. i'm going to use they/them pronouns in reference to the kid to leave the possibilities open.

whereas in the original case, the killings took place at a mountain campsite, let's say, in this one, they happen inside the family home (which makes them even more similar to sara's own family tragedy and also adds to the circumstantial evidence suggesting the father is the cuprit).

at this time, sara is still a csi level ii, so warrick, at csi level iii, is the actual lead on the case.

the youngest child's injuries are profound. however, when they do eventually come-to enough, warrick is able to interview them.

(sara plays no part in the interviews by her own choosing and never interacts with the kid herself at any point during the investigation.)

unfortunately, the kid is unable to provide any kind of useful information to warrick, as, at this time, they are very young and the situation is so traumatic that they simply can't recall much. they also may have sustained injuries during the attack which impact their cognitive abilities/memory*.

* whereas in episode 15x12 "dead woods," abby fisher is rather improbably shown to survive a close-range gunshot to the head with no long-term impact to her cognitive abilities, i think it'd be more realistic for injury to either be entirely noncerebral in nature or to result in some actual traumatic brain injury symptoms.

warrick being warrick bonds with the child pretty immediately—seriously: one of the joys of the early seasons is watching warrick interact with kids, like when he used to babysit lindsey willows or when he interviews suzy in episode 07x10 "loco motives"—and, as is often his wont with child victims of the crimes he investigates, gives his contact information to them and/or their new social worker, telling them to get in touch with him again in case they ever remember anything and/or even just want to talk about the case with him when they're older and interested in learning the facts.

however, in the absence of any testimony from the child which might suggest differently, the evidence in the case does seem to (more or less) indicate the father's guilt.

since the father is dead along with the rest of the family, there's no one to arrest, so, in consultation with grissom, warrick closes the case—a decision sara has no real reason to question at the time.

particularly as, even back then, as would be shown in the flashback scenes, the case does squeeg her out and somewhat trigger her, given its likeness to her own family history, and she feels like the sooner she can move on from it, the better.

fast forward to ten years later, to 2010 or 2011 (i.e., s10 or s11).

at this point, said surviving child, now an older teenager, appears in the lobby of the crime lab one morning at the tail end of the graveyard shift, requesting to see warrick.

of course, by this time, warrick is dead, so once it's determined what the kid wants—which is apparently to discuss their family's case—sara is summoned to meet with them, as she was the other investigator back in 2000/2001.

and let's say the detective on the case was ray o'riley, who is also, by 2010/2011, canonically deceased, so he's not available, either.

sara is, initially, shown to be uncomfortable at this prospect, citing the fact that she's not warrick and doesn't "have a way with kids" like he used to. however, since she is the only csi still working at the lab who has any direct knowledge of the case and its details—grissom signed off on it as supervisor back in the day, but of course he's no longer on staff—she's pushed into taking the meeting, never mind her objections.

here, i'm picturing ecklie being like, "come on, sidle, just deal with this. it was your case."

she initially tries to be very formal with the kid, but it should be clear to the audience that she's wildly uncomfortable and masking.

however, while her going line is that she's "just not good with kids," between the flashbacks and the real-time scenes, the true source of her discomfiture quickly becomes apparent: namely, the whole "orphan whose one parent killed the other in front of them" likeness between her and this kid in particular.

at first, she assumes the kid has come to the lab because, now that they are old enough, they want to hear the full details on their family's case, as per warrick's offer to them back in 2000/2001 (of which sara is aware because warrick wrote it on the business card he gave to the kid and/or their social worker back in the day).

however, to her great surprise, the kid corrects her: they've actually come to provide new testimony in their family's case, based on some newly retrieved memories of theirs.

much like in canon, they would explain that something had recently caused them to remember details about the murder they were unable to remember previously—and these details contradict the notion that their father was the murderer.

however, let's say that in this version of the story, this recollection on their part happens under even more dubious circumstances than the ones in abby fisher's case, like while the kid is under hypnosis or experimenting with hallucinogenic mushrooms or undergoing a controversial form of therapy or the like.

much as in canon, sara is skeptical, believing the kid simply wants to "rewrite their family history" (an impulse she understands but doesn't necessarily condone).

let's say unlike in canon: the thing that draws sara to this kid even more than just the similarities between their respective family histories is their personality.

honestly? the kid is whip-smart and well-spoken but also angry and rough around the edges; blunt and a little bit awkward, etc.

they match sara pretty much toe-to-toe during this interview, countering her every argument.

when sara tries to let them down gently and tell them that in the absence of any new physical evidence, there's no reason for the crime lab to reopen what seems to have been an open-and-shut case, they get in her face, citing (obviously researched) precedents re: the legitimacy of their chosen memory recovery techniques to her in an attempt to change her mind.

with all of their tenacity, it's hard not to be reminded of her younger self.

but in that resemblance, it's also hard for her not to think of how she operated as a young csi: that tendency she had to "chase rabbits" and let her feelings get in the way of her professional judgment.

she remembers how often she used to be disappointed back then; how she'd get her heart hung up on certain outcomes and then have it shattered when they didn't pan out.

let's say—again, since we're pretending we can get whatever "guest stars" we want here—that after sara goes home for the day, this dilemma is one she talks to grissom (on one of his visits to the states) about, explaining to him that for as much as this kid may want her to start digging, it's possible they may not like what she finds if she does, and she'd hate to cause them even more pain.

she opens up to him: she knows what it feels like to be this kid.

maybe she even admits that when she surreptitiously searched through her mom's legal files back in 2004 (see episode 05x10 "no humans involved"), she was hoping to find not "exonerating" information, per se—as her mother's guilt was never really in question—but at least some new context that might have helped her to better understand or come to terms with her mother's actions, or at least to fill in some of the blanks in her memories.

so she gets the impulse, you know?

(of course, she notes, she never did find any previously unknown information to contextualize her mother's crime. there's nothing that could ever really ameliorate "abused schizophrenic wife brutally stabs alcoholic abuser husband to death in his sleep," is there? the whole situation was just as awful and senseless as she always remembered.)

now, she wonders what her role is here as the adult: to play the realist and put her foot down, telling the kid there is no probative evidence to suggest their father's innocence; or to actually listen to the kid and reopen the investigation (because she understands how often kids—and especially foster kids—tend to have their thoughts and feelings discounted and she doesn't intend to be one of those grownups who just brushes off everything a kid says simply because they are a kid)?

at this point, grissom gives her a nudge: asks her when she looked through her mother's files what she felt when she discovered that there was no "hidden context" and things were always just as bleak and awful as she'd always known they were.

her realization: she accepted it.

was disappointed, but accepted it.

because at least then she knew for sure, you know?

and with that determination, sara decides to reopen the case, securing permission from catherine (who is at this time her supervisor) to do so, albeit perhaps more in a "well, i guess i can't really stop you" way than an "i fully support you in this endeavor" one.

she also enlists greg to help her—or rather, he volunteers because he remembers running dna on the original case back in the day, recalling some unknown exemplar collected from the crime scene he couldn't find a match to then and wanting to follow up on it now that codis is a more fully-developed technology.

the next morning, when the kid once again turns up at the lab, sara gives them the news that she's officially reopening the case, though she makes sure to stress: she's not promising them anything.

even with that caution, the kid still lights up.

for the first time, sara sees them smile—and on the one hand, it obviously terrifies her, having all this kid's hopes rest on her, but on the other, she also can't help but feel somewhat exhilarated, offering this kid at least a chance at an outcome she never had available to herself.

episode 2

this episode marks the beginning of sara's investigation in earnest.

the physical evidence in the original case is both limited and ambiguous in nature.

there were no signs of breaking and entering at the house.

the family members were shot with a gun belonging to the kid's father, and his prints were found on the weapon, which was recovered from next to his body, right where one would expect to find it had he dropped it after committing suicide.

however, there was also a pair of microfiber gloves found next to the father's body, which, while roughly the same size as his hands, were not ones the kid recognizes as belonging to their father.

sara and warrick's going theory at the time was that he had worn the gloves to shoot his family members but then taken them off to shoot himself, though they couldn't figure out why he would have done so, given that he didn't necessarily need to conceal his identity as the killer, his intention always being to commit suicide in the end.

inside the gloves, there is one unsmudged print. however, it is seemingly unrecoverable, due to the nature of the fabric.

the mystery dna greg couldn't match back in 2000/2001 comes from a sweaty handprint on a door handle to a part of the house seemingly out of the way of the murders; it doesn't belong to any of the family members, though it's unknown as of yet to whom it does belong or if it is even probative.

there is also circumstantial evidence to suggest that the kid's father may have been experiencing financial troubles at the time of the murders and that the kid's mother may have been having an affair back then, as well, of which her husband had perhaps recently become aware.

there was nothing at the scene to indicate anyone in the family struggled with assailants prior to their deaths, and both the mother and elder sibling were covered over with blankets, indicating remorse on the part of their killer.

meanwhile, the kid's "recovered memory" suggests that the man who came into their bedroom that night had some distinguishing physical characteristic that their father didn't have.

in episode 15x12 "dead woods," abby fisher's memory centers on a distinctive smell, and maybe the same thing could be the case here, though there might also be some other difference instead; i don't suppose this point really matters much, in terms of the overall story arc.

sara decides to run everything from the top, grissom-style (see episode 01x12 "fahrenheit 932").

of course, in this scenario, the added "warrick of it all" would throw a new wrinkle into the whole operation, as she would be sifting through his old work, potentially looking to overturn it.

imagine: once word gets out that sara is revisiting this case, nick becomes upset with her for distrusting warrick's original determination, feeling as if she is just being contrary and maybe even taking advantage of the fact that warrick isn't around to defend his own conclusions anymore.

and for what?

all because some weirdo (possibly drugged-up) teenager dreamt up a pseudo-memory ten years after the fact?

of course, given his ignorance of sara's past, nick doesn't understand sara's sense of personal connection with (and obligation to) this kid—and especially not because sara is trying with all her might to repress her own feelings and memories and "remain objective" on this case, not allowing her own trauma to color either her investigation OR her interactions with the kid.

—speaking of whom.

the kid turns up again at the lab for what is now a third morning in a row to check on sara's progress.

whereas in all of their previous encounters, the kid has had this somewhat surly attitude—think sara fending off grissom's inquiries about her "diversions" in episode 01x16 "too tough to die"—now, they are starting to come out of their shell.

while it's not a total transformation just yet (much like sara, this kid has been burned a lot and is fairly "slow to warm up"), they are becoming gradually more animated and expressing curiosity about sara and greg's investigative activities.

while it's clear they're trying not to get their hopes up too much—per sara's caution—it's also clear they're not fully succeeding in that trying.

more and more, they're becoming invested.

—and so is sara, who, despite her general trepidations about being "bad with kids," finds herself getting along with this one, especially as she starts to see their personality emerge out from behind that façade of jadedness, and especially as the kid starts to speak somewhat more freely about what their life in foster care has been like for the last ten years.

though sara lets on nothing to the kid regarding her own time in the system, we as the audience should be able to tell: the instability and uncertainty of "living with strangers," of always being the "odd kid out," is something she can very much relate to, and she feels for this kid.

deeply.

unfortunately, the gods of forensics don't seem to be on their side: it seems like whatever new investigative avenues sara and greg develop all eventually terminate in dead ends.

the mystery dna isn't in codis.

the details from the kid's memories are hard to get a fix on.

as the episode goes on, sara's stress grows.

she's still fielding passive-aggression from nick, who resents her taking on the case in the first place, and she is also starting to feel pressure from catherine and/or ecklie, who are annoyed with her for continually tying up department resources (including both herself and greg) as she pursues admittedly flimsy leads in a ten year-old solved case.

worse: the more time she spends with the kid, the harder she's finding it to keep her personal feelings out of the case AND out of her interactions with them.

despite her best efforts, she's getting her heartstrings tangled up in the investigation and in them.

she's also thinking about memories from her own past that she hasn't allowed herself to think about for a long time, and she's, frankly, worse for the wear for it.

after a hard shift fraught with disappointment for both her and the kid, she goes home to grissom, and we get a cuddling in bed scene where she admits, somewhat tearfully, to him that there is still so much she doesn't know about what happened between her parents; so much she can't remember either because it all happened when she was still so young or else because she's repressed it.

memory can be a fickle thing, grissom muses, and she agrees.

tells him she doesn't remember when her mom first got sick or why she (seemingly) never received treatment. doesn't remember when her father's abuse started. doesn't remember why her mother never tried to leave or if she perhaps did but maybe somehow failed. she can't recall what, if anything, precipitated the murder—if her dad's abuse of her mom had recently gotten worse or if her mom just finally after so many years snapped or if her mom's delusions perhaps had become stronger or more violent in nature.

she admits: there is so much about that night she has actively tried to forget and so much she is terrified she will someday be triggered to, against her will, remember.

worried about her, grissom wonders if maybe she should hand this case over to greg, but she tells him she feels she owes it to the kid to keep going, at least until she can definitively say whether or not their father was involved in the murders (regardless of if they ever identify any other potential suspects outside of him).

resolved, sara returns to work the next night.

however, as she starts to dig into the case again, she still isn't coming up with anything to challenge the original narrative.

at a team meeting, nick (who, remember, is the assistant supervisor on grave shift at this point) motions for her and greg to shelve the case, as active/current cases have been piling up in the meanwhile "and warrick already solved this one ten years ago anyway." sara pleads to be allowed to continue her investigation, and catherine compromises by pulling greg off the case while allowing sara to continue to work it solo. she also presents sara with a hard deadline: if she hasn't come up with anything probative by the end of the week, then she's got to drop the whole thing and move onto something new.

the kid appears—like clockwork—the next morning and, upon sara's dismal report, practically begs her to keep going, pushing her to dig deeper, to try just one more thing, please, please.

it's here where, overwhelmed by facing so much opposition on all sides, triggered, mixed-up, and half-defeated, sara finally snaps at the kid—says something harsh about how you can't rewrite history just because you want to; tells them that they have to learn to accept the fact that their father was a bad man, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that reality.

at this point, for the first time, the kid—who, until now, has been very tough and even recalcitrant—breaks.

starts crying.

and sara immediately feels awful.

apologizes—and, in an attempt to extend an olive branch—admits (in her awkward but heartfelt sara way) that she was maybe talking more about herself and her father than she was about them and theirs.

slowly, hesitantly, she tells the kid an abridged version of her story, enough that they also can see the similarities between their experience and sara's and know that she understands where they're coming from.

earnestly, she tells them: she wishes more than anything in the world that she could tell them for sure that their father was innocent and that she could find "the real killer" and lock them away.

but the truth, she says, is that that answer may not be the right one, however attractive it may seem.

she gets real with the kid: without more details, there's starting to be nowhere left to go in this case.

the kid offers to try more of the memory recovery technique—i.e., the hypnosis or the shrooms or the therapy—to help in the effort.

but sara tells them: memory is unreliable, and that technique is unproven.

better to stick to science.

she vows, for now, to keep going.

the kid is grateful to her, expressing that they feel like she "just gets it."

cut to the final shot of the episode: sara appearing super conflicted—honored, on the one hand, to have won this kid's trust, rare commodity that it is; but terrified, on the other, that she is still ultimately going to end up letting them down, which is the absolute last thing in the world she wants to do.

episode 3

insert sara wracking her brain to come up with one last avenue of potential investigation here.

eventually, she comes back to the latent print in the microfiber glove—one piece of evidence that was never run back in 2000/2001.

she thinks the print could be the key to unlocking this case now.

however, recovery will be nearly impossible using traditional collection methods.

even with mandy's help, there's no clear answer as to how to lift the print off of the microfiber without destroying it and while still maintaining all its ridge detail.

as the end of the work week is rapidly approaching, sara fears her time to investigate may well run out before she can derive a solution to her problem. not only does she feel like she's letting the kid down but also in a weird way warrick, who she knows would have done everything in his power to get to the truth, were he still around to run this investigation instead of her.

but just as she is about to succumb to total despair, who should approach her but nick, offering up a memory of his own?

—namely, a technique warrick taught him back in the day that might be applicable to her problem.

cue both nick and sara doing their best warrick impersonations: "i can pull a fingerprint off the air!"

of course, there's no guarantee warrick's technique will work, and it could still result in the destruction of the print. however, it is the best option sara has yet encountered.

so, when the foster kid appears at the lab the next morning, sara poses the choice to them: do they want her to take this one-in-a-million chance (knowing that it could well destroy the only remaining physical evidence that might possibly exonerate their father in the process of so doing) or do they perhaps want to hold off in the hopes that technology will eventually advance to the point where the print will be recoverable by some other, less invasive means sometime in the eventual future?

though they are nervous about the prospect, the kid ultimately decides to take the chance.

so sara pulls the print and is successful in so doing. however, she also destroys the surface from which she pulled the print as she collects it, meaning that the print now only exists in digital facsimile form.

mandy then runs the print, and eventually she determines: it doesn't belong to the kid's father.

its existence strongly suggests that another person was on scene during the commission of the murders and that they handled the murder weapon.

unfortunately, there are no hits on this mystery person's identity.

all of these determinations are made during the night, while the kid isn't at the lab, and sara knows that the next morning, she's going to have to tell the kid: while there's a possibility—and even a good one—that their father isn't to blame for the murders, as of yet, there is no empirical way to definitely prove as much, much less to find out who the real killer is.

and there may not ever be.

however, sara doesn't get the chance to tell the kid anything, because they don't turn up at the lab the next morning.

instead, their foster parent does.

come to find out, the kid had been lying to their foster parents, claiming they were going to early-morning "sat prep" and then beelining for the lab instead.

after one of the kid's friends accidentally let it slip to the foster parents that the kid had never actually attended any of the prep sessions, yesterday morning, the foster parents had trailed the kid to the lab. after the kid got home, they then confronted them.

now, upon discovering what the kid was up to, they have become concerned about the kid's level of investment in the case, fearing they are setting themselves up for a major letdown.

the foster parent explains the situation to sara.

apparently, after their family's murders, the kid bounced around in the system for years. during this time, they experienced all sorts of behavioral problems. earned a reputation with the dcfs as a "problem child."

the foster parent and their spouse were kind of a last-ditch solution; the only ones willing to take the kid in anymore.

it took them a while, but they were eventually able to earn the kid's trust and stabilize them.

now, after four or five years of living in their home, the kid is finally on an upswing: doing well in school, enjoying a social life, and just really thriving for the first time since the murders.

however, given the kid's obvious emotional investment in this case, their foster parent is worried that if they don't get the results they want, they might not be equipped to handle to the disappointment and could suffer a major backslide, right at a time when they're getting ready to "launch." the foster parent doesn't want to see them get derailed or "sacrifice their future for the past."

unaware that sara knows this fact all too well for herself, the foster parent explains: the stats on most "graduates" of the foster system are abysmal, so the best chance this foster kid has is to buckle down and study for the sat, get good grades, and attend college.

"that's their pathway out."

the foster parent has now come to sara in order to ascertain whether or not there is actually any hope that the kid will get the answer that they want, all said and done.

when sara explains the somewhat ambiguous outcome with the print, the foster parent decides not to tell the kid and asks sara for help in thinking up some way to "put the kid off the scent" for the time being, at least until they're emotionally prepared to hear potentially disappointing news.

though conflicted, sara suggests that the foster parent could perhaps tell the kid that she'd sent the print off to the fbi for further analysis and that it might be "in process" for a while (months or even years), and the foster parent thanks her for the idea, assuring her it's in the kid's best interest.

they also tell her: she shouldn't expect to see the kid back at the crime lab anytime soon, as it's probably not the best place for a teenager (and especially a traumatized teenager) to be hanging out before school everyday.

though sara outwardly expresses support for this decision, it's clear she's not 100% sold on the notion that concealing the truth is the best course of action here. she is also obviously devastated that she won't even get to say goodbye to this kid.

after her encounter with the foster parent, greg quickly sniffs out sara's upset, which she blames on the fact that she regrets not being able to get the kid a more straightforward answer.

however, he intuits: she's also sad because, despite all her protestations about not liking children, she's actually gotten attached to the kid, and now she's not going to see them again; she is going to miss them.

though he expects sara to resist this assertion, she surprises him by admitting he's right.

cut to a time jump.

the next morning.

and who should turn up at the lab but the kid, having snuck out on their foster parents yet again?

like sara, this kid has the uncanny ability to detect bullshit, and they're not buying the whole "fbi" story that their foster parents tried to sell them. they want to hear the truth from sara herself about her findings, even if it hurts, they say.

please.

at first, sara is reluctant to defy the kid's foster parents' wishes. she is also scared of sending the kid on a downward spiral and fucking up their life.

but then she realizes: she knows for herself how hard not knowing can be.

so she reaches deep inside herself, sits the kid down, and presents them with the truth in the best, most honest way she can think to, even though it's not altogether positive.

she admits: she can't tell them for certain that their father is innocent, though there's at least a chance he is. she also can't tell them who besides their father might potentially be to blame, though perhaps there is someone out there.

maybe, she conjectures, the databases will eventually kick out a match to that print or the dna that at the moment doesn't exist in their datasets; maybe technology will improve enough to someday fill in some of those blanks.

she'll absolutely keep trying, running the evidence periodically to see if anything turns up.

but in the meanwhile, there's no answer.

and there's also a chance that there will never be one.

on instinct, she confesses to the kid: she's never been certain if her mother habitually kept the knife she stabbed her father with under the pillow and pulled it out "in the heat of the moment" to defend herself OR if she had, in an act of premeditation, fetched it from downstairs after he fell asleep that night.

back when she was a kid, the detectives who worked her father's case had asked her, but she couldn't tell them.

and now she's never going to know.

"i keep trying to remember," she says, "the knife block in our kitchen. if there was an empty slot. if i heard her go back down the stairs and then up again. but i can't. that memory is just gone."

she's sorry, she says, she can't give the kid the answer they wanted.

but.

you can live with it.

there are ways to live with it.

someday, she promises, the kid will make other memories that their brain will allow them to retain; happy ones. they'll still carry the memories of their family with them, too. but they'll grow around the grief. have new experiences. give and receive love.

the kid ends up crying then, sobbing, totally unguarded and childlike, that they miss their family, and sara hugs them and says she knows, she knows.

cut to the end of the episode.

the kid's foster parents have come to pick them up from the lab.

they're apologetic to sara that the kid was "bothering her," but she tells them she doesn't mind. she also explains: she told the kid the truth, and they took it well.

"kids are more resilient than you think," she offers.

the foster parents agree.

they start to take the kid home, gently chastising them, on the way out the door, that now that they've skipped sat prep for a week, they're going to have to enroll in another session and take the course over again.

on hearing this statement, sara pipes up, "i could maybe help with that—if you want." stumblingly, she explains that she got a near-perfect score on the sat and attended harvard at age sixteen. "out of foster care," she adds.

and so it is that sara becomes this kid's tutor.

i imagine from this point, though the main storyline would be concluded, we (as the audience) would still see periodic evidence that sara was indeed keeping up with this kid and continuing to meet with them fairly regularly.

there could in time be other storylines for them.

if we want to go the tamer route:

maybe something to do with sara struggling to balance her work responsibilities with her new mentorship role.

alternatively or additionally, maybe her supporting the kid as they deal with some complicated feelings after their current foster parents propose adopting them.

on the one hand, they want to say yes, because they love their foster family and crave that sense of belonging. on the other hand, it feels like a betrayal to their bio family in some way, especially since they're so close to "aging out" anyhow.

maybe the kid meeting grissom and developing a relationship with him, too.

maybe the kid doing some kind of volunteer work or internship connected to the lab to help with their college applications, with sara supervising.

maybe them, with sara's help, starting a forensics club at their high school.

if we want to go the angstier route:

perhaps the kid still occasionally struggles. gets involved with substance abuse or has serious behavioral problems. ends up in trouble with the law, to the point that sara is obliged to confront them.

alternatively, maybe the kid has to unexpectedly move placements, and when they do, they confront sara: ask her why, if she supposedly cares so much, she doesn't offer to foster or adopt them herself. after all, aren't they close? doesn't she get it?

and who knows? maybe sara actually considers the possibility or even decides to go for it. has to broach the topic with grissom. reevaluate their lifestyle. could be an interesting development for both of them.

if we want to go the super angsty route:

turns out, the kid's dad didn't kill their family, and the real killer has somehow realized that the kid survived and the case has been reopened and that sara is periodically checking into it. maybe the killer then targets the kid, knowing they are the only person who could potentially identify them. maybe the kid is in real danger, and it's up to sara to catch the killer before they come to harm.

in any case, i'd definitely want to see more of sara interacting with this kid, building a real relationship with them over time—one that fit with her core characterization and didn't attempt to make her into something she wasn't.

excepting a scenario in which she did actually choose to foster or adopt this kid, i'd like her to toe that line, being a friend and supportive adult but not trying to fill the role of "mom."

i'd like to see her friendship with this kid challenge her in productive character ways and be consistently depicted, to the point where it was easy to believe that this bond was an important and regular part of her life.

anyway.

there would be other ways to write the whole thing than with this "memoriae sacrum" version, certainly.

but that's at least one way i could see the premise of "sara befriends a foster kid" working better than the option we're offered in canon.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s12e21 there's something about mary (w. brad buckner, eugenie ross-leming)

....they just killed eileen off like that? that's... disappointing. make us connect with her through a really good monster of the week in s11, but then also bring her back in s12, have her and sam have a little flirty vibe, she accidentally kills some asshole bmol so she and sam can have an emotional beat. and a handful of episodes later she gets killed unceremoniously by ketch and, apparently, a trained hellhound. because that makes sense. no more things going bump in the night! except for the ones i use for killing people 😌

spn s12e21 (2017) / the magicians s3e8 six short stories about magic (w. sera gamble, david reed - 2018)

i appreciated sort of her brief chase scene from her pov through her hearing loss. the magicians did something similar (article for details with showrunners) with marlee maitlan's role - but much, much longer. it was 9 minutes. (took a snippet with felicia day in it too, rip charlie)

DEAN Seven monster-related deaths. I mean, what, did all the things out there suddenly start working together? SAM Dean, monsters and demons don't team up. Seven Hunters are gone. We can't grab a signal from Mom's phone. Cass has Kelly Kline who knows where. Mick has slipped off the grid. Ketch is lying to us. I-I… I wanna punch something in the face.

kudos to padalecki because as always he can really bring those emotions and he seemed to really be hurting over eileen but it's bang boom all part of this bigger picture and oh they're all monster related deaths and hey let's clean house on any side characters we wanna off for the drama. her character deserved a better sendoff than this (or hey let her live), if they were gonna have her come back, in my ever so humble opinion.

TONI I have sources, Mary. Everywhere. After you died, your beloved John was a man slowly going mad, searching for revenge. What? Your boys didn't tell you? The drunken rages? The weeks of abandonment? Child abuse, really. It's no wonder they're damaged.

grain of salt obviously what with the brainwashing etc but canonically what's been established before was surely neglect at the least. hence why i can't let it go

CROWLEY Good afternoon. Dr. Hess. Stunningly beautiful as ever.

well. if nothing else, this is a slightly more seamless way of trying to retcon the bmol existing and operating offscreen for all these seasons prior, having crowley establish some background with the bad lady

DR. HESS Crowley, one more thing. CROWLEY What? DR. HESS Your relationship with the Winchesters. It's a bit cozy for my taste. I hope you don't expect me to spare your friends.

i do think that's what keeps crowley more interesting than he might be if he was just plain beholden to the winchesters (more like cas tends to be [caveat he's not also always beholden to them but when he's not he's usually making the Worst decisions]), he's out there still killing people, aiding the bad people in killing people we like and care about like eileen. but we can also pretty much count on him coming through to work things such that dean and sam will be okay in the end. he contains multitudes

CROWLEY So… Dagon dead. Kelly's now in the clutches of the Winchesters' love slave, Castiel, who's no doubt dragging her to a gruesome death.

lol

LUCIFER Mm. As opposed to the fun-packed death you have planned.

laughed again! these two, love em

ok let me guess brainwashed to kill sam and dean, is that on the menu?

thanks for the little tidbit of them having a po box in lebanon

good lord why are they killing time at the end of the season with this random drama moment between mr ketchup and torturer lady

MR. KETCH I don't know you, Mary. Not really. You certainly don't know me. You… wouldn't want to.

oh my god and the little kid music box spooky music starts playing in the background, mr ketchup is just a hurt little boy 😢 the snort i snorted!

real deal mary just tried to kill herself, pulled the trigger and only saved by ketch pulling it away to deflect the shot what the fuck. that is way too dark and serious for this show. that was awful. samantha smith is doing good with the scene and on her knees begging to be killed we get the mushy music.

how did her hair not move from upright to this position. now i'm just being nitpicky because i'm pissed off, but if we're plowing into the gritty dark realism of her torturing/brainwashing, her hair should be gross and acting like dirty sweaty hair.

so i'll rant about the music too then. so like, this scene on the setup / assassination trap thing dean and sam luring bmol to, it's way edgier and interesting and weirder than his score usually is. sometimes it's completely bland, or misses the tone, or is mega cliched, and then it'll be Good! for a brief moment and then the tone changes and the vibe is back to boring blah nothing or actively obnoxious. i feel vaguely bad about ranting about the score all the time, but i think it's honestly the biggest failing in the show over the entire run. i have plenty of issues with other things, but the music has consistently been subpar and pulled the quality of the show down with it, in my opinion. the foley though - i love it.

also mark pellegrino as lucifer, love. so good. so creepy! ugh. and i really don't want him having thrall over crowley, because he is so creepy. so i am getting concerned

well. not sure where this is going since crowley didn't do the dead-demon-zappy thing after the angel blade stabbing, even though lucifer just walked away like it was done

nice little exchange to highlight how they fight together with silently communication, and pretty cool action sequence. don't see them in these kind of shootouts often and they gave both Js some slick action hero moves

MR. KETCH Your bunker is an excellent fortress. An even better tomb. So we've rejiggered the locks, we've shut off the water, and once we leave, the pumps that bring in the air shall reverse. Your oxygen should be gone in two days, maybe three. You dying in here, it's almost poetic, hmm? Come along, Mary.

hokay. cliche villain killing them slowly enough to give them ample time to figure it out or have someone save them

LOL while talking to robomary we get mushy music but Creepy Version. discordant

ah, is crowley in the rat? is that why he didn't zap?

literally had the thought process of wait are we in one of those parody old spice commercials?? literally wheezing from laughing

he looks great but this choice was SO. HOKEY. (with music to match, you'll be shocked to hear me say) and the visuals look fake without looking like... really obviously fake? but it's also clearly fake? because the lighting is so mismatched and earth doesn't really look like That out of the box? lol

[blackbird-brewster]

🌟

Thanks Anon!

This time I'm going to be talking about my latest JJ/Tara fic (which was supposed to be a one-shot but clearly I have more THOUGHTS about them!!!!)

[Between You & Me]

Summary: JJ returned to the BAU after having her second child, seemingly having perfected the art of hiding how unhappy she is in her marriage from everyone on the team, everyone except Tara

Before you skip this because this isn't your ship, can I please direct your attention to this comment which was honestly the highest (kindest) praise and I think it really hits how good this fic is! (Yeah, I'm not afraid to say it, this is a GREAT fic!!!)

(TYSM @cargopantsprentiss I adore you!)

I decided to tell this story by cutting in flash backs that highlight important moments in Tara/JJ's friendship >> flirting >> the moment things really changed (before the fic goes into the smut) which isn't a format I'd used before but I loved how it turned out!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE JARA!!! I am currently just nonstop thinking about T H E M. Such an incredible dynamic and I very much will be writing at least one more chapter of this, if not more.

I have been wanting to write a JJ/Tara one shot after writing a couple of longer fics with this pairing and this was such a fun one to write.

Tara is so kind, caring, and patient and just like....UGH TARA LEWIS!?!?!?! OKAY!?!?!? I love her so fucking much. I loved going from her first joining the team (S11) at the beginning of this fic to the end of it which takes place between S11/12. She's so very important to me and I honestly will yell about her to anyone, whether they ask about her or not.

I think one of my fave scenes is when the team just got back from being on a case for two weeks and this ended up being TOO MUCH sexual tension between JJ/Tara (this is like the build to the climax, heh, of the story) JJ is trying to get home ASAP bc she just really needs to masturbate before she dies of sexual frustration. So there's this scene when she's in the elevator by herself on the way to the parking garage and I just....hnnnnnggggg:

JJ and Tara have such a GREAT dynamic that this fandom really is sleeping on in terms of creating content for. I am very happy they've been working 'every single consult that has come into the BAU in the past year' in the reboot bc that means they're going to have screen time together and I HOPE they get some good interactions that will make WLW fans realise the POTENTIAL.

[Request a Fanfic 'Director's Cut']

[autisticgayngel]

Canonverse Castiel-centric/pining/loving Cas fics

some of these are Dean's POV and a lot are alternating POV, but all of them really delve into Cas's emotions and his love for Dean. All canonverse and all happy endings. Categorised by post-confession, pre-s15 curtain fic and other canon-era. Descending word count within each category. If anyone has any recs for things I should add lmk!

Post-Confession Fics

things happen (they do, they do, and they do) by sobsicles 28k rating E

Everyone has recced this, and for good reason, it's stunning. Cas gets back from the empty and Dean sort of lets him down gently and is very worried about breaking his heart. Despite this Cas is finally able to express to Dean how much he loves him and takes full advantage of this. He's earnest and sweet and so intense about it, but also incredibly hurt about the lack of reciprocation, though he tries to hide it. He does get the love he deserves in the end and it's so good!

closer (isn't close enough) by fleeceframe 18k rating E

Again, Dean's POV, but very much focused on how much Cas loves him. Has the gorgeous Cas line: “When you are hungry, you eat. When you are tired, you rest. When you are dirty, you bathe. But what are you supposed to do with love?”

My unintended by DeanaWinchester, Jeanne_de_Valois 10k rating E

Really good Cas POV, he’s obsessive and insecure but also deeply loving.

my heart a compass by lagaudiere 10k rating T

The empty torments Cas with visions of Dean and of the family he longs to have with Dean. Dean saves him.

I said show me something by ilovehowyouletmefall 7k rating E

Sparked by the debate about whether or not Dean thinks Cas can feel. Cas is hurt by Dean saying he thought he couldn't feel and vulcan mind melds to show him exactly how he feels about him. It's a really interesting exploration of both of their feelings and fears.

Gift by thisisapaige 2k rating G

Very sweet little fic of them trying to work things out once Cas returns from the empty.

Pre-s15 Curtain Fics

take the long way home by dothraki_shieldmaiden 95k rating E

Dean tries to retire with his family but finds himself alone as Sam and Jack take a road trip and Cas goes hunting in order to prove he's still useful as a human and to avoid thinking about his feelings for Dean. Really agonising and harrowing at the start as they both feel so rejected and miserable. Cas gets into situations where monsters use his feelings for Dean to attack him. Eventually, they're able to tentatively work out their feelings and settle down together and it's very sweet.

Morning Glory by edgarallanrose 26k rating E

Dean and Cas retire together. Cas becomes a beekeeper and Dean starts to use the honey he makes to bake goods, which they sell at the farmer's market. Cas is very much in love with Dean but it takes Dean a bit longer to work things out.

Other Canon-era

A Winter's Tale by NorthernSparrow 64k rating T

This one hurts a lot, so fair warning for that. Cas falls ill while human and homeless and is hospitalised. Dean finds the journal Cas kept as he struggled to survive in this time. Pre-Destiel but Cas does write a lot about his feelings for Dean. Sam and Dean shower Cas with love and kindess as he recovers. Also a destiel epilogue that is very sweet and fluffy.

In the Shadow of your Wings by Enochian Things (Salr323) 57k rating E

Cas confesses his love to Dean post s11 finale but the timing is terrible and Dean is very repressed about it all and breaks Cas's heart. Cas gets an Italian man of letters boyfriend in an attempt to get over it and Dean is insanely jealous (which Cas is oblivious to) but they all have to work together to try to save Sam from the BMOL. Dean eventually gets his shit together and treats Cas the way Cas has learnt to understand he deserves.

That Black Dog Ache by SaltyWords (agent4hire22) 28k rating E

This is very much Dean's POV but I'm putting it here anyway because it has a really intense love confession from Cas, which I'll include an excerpt of that drives me insane:

'“I listen to your music, and I close my eyes. I try to imagine I’m in the Impala, hunting with you. And, sometimes,” his throat jumped, “I lay on your bed. I think about what it would be like if I got to have a place on it beside you... If you ever let me get close enough.”'

Kelp!I Need Somebody by andimeantittosting (Saylee) 27k rating E

A really sweet fic in which Sam, Dean and Cas go to investigate a case on Jesse and Cesar's ranch. Switching POV with really good mutual pining as they tentatively begin to realise the other feels the same.

Being Dean Winchester by Anonymous 26k rating E

Set early s4, Cas has to possess Dean temporarily. While doing this, he has to work to hide his feelings from Dean. Cas is already obsessed with Dean and in love with him but is embarrassed by it and struggles to keep Dean from seeing all of this, especially when Dean wants to have sex with someone while Cas is possessing him.

Après by imogenbynight 24k rating E

Set after the angels fall in s8. Cas falls to earth in Paris and realises he's in love with Dean. Dean comes to get him and they find love together in Paris.

desiderium, lost by atlasian 20k rating T

Castiel confesses his love for Dean and Dean tells him to move on. Cas tries, fairly unsuccessfully, before Dean gets it together.

No Other Worthy Quest by MajorEnglishEsquire 15k rating E

Cas just loves Dean very much.

'“For fuck's sake,” his skin is heating. Cas can feel it. “Stop saying lovey-dovey shit.”

“I know,” Cas rolls his eyes. “It’s so mortifying for you when I want to tell you I love you. I’m using all my self-restraint, I promise not to embarrass you.”'

The Arrow by jscribbles 12k rating T

Valentine's day and Cas has been hit by a Cupid's arrow and is literally sick with love for Dean.

and all this devotion by dothraki_shieldmaiden 10k rating M

Dean gets hurt on a hunt and Cas takes care of him in a cabin. Very sweet, delightful Cas POV of him being very much in love.

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits 10k rating E

Cas struggles to work out why Dean deems some things meaningful and some things worthless, and where he fits into this apparent dichotomy. Really gorgeous and agonising Cas POV that deals with their constant issue of Dean just wanting Cas to stay and Cas wanting Dean to want him to stay but they're both too afraid to express it.

Breathe by turningthepages 9k rating G

Dean and Cas platonically sleep together to help with Dean's sleep. Cas both likes the situation and longs for it to mean more.

First Date by aeli_kindara 9k rating T

Dean asks Cas on a date and they're both trying very hard to make it all work. The sequel is stunning too.

'Dean says, “We should do that. Go on a date.”

Something in Castiel’s chest fuzzes, like static on a TV, and stops.'

weights on my ankles by dothraki_shieldmaiden 9k rating M

After 15x3 The Rupture, Cas goes back to Rexford. While there, he thinks about how Dean hurt him all those years ago and how he hurt him more recently. Partly a 9x6 Heaven Can Wait fanfic-gap fic.

Let it Linger by OmniscientOranges 8k rating M

Cas starts sleeping with men out of jealousy when watching Dean pick up women at bars. The way the fic describes how in love he is and how hopeless he feels about it is both agonising and very sweet.

He Thought He Was Reckless by MajorEnglishEsquire 8k rating M

Cas plays up injuries so that Dean will coddle him. Self-woobification from the Angel of the Lord and it's so sweet!

Something to Protect by Sass_Master 6k rating G

Cas tries to work out how to make Dean feel less unsafe so that he no longer has to jolt awake. Sweet, tentative intimacy and Cas enjoying it so much.

lonely hearts. by outpastthemoat 5k rating G

Deals with Cas accompanying Sam and Dean on hunts and feeling incredibly lonely and longing to be with Dean. He finds solace in romance novels.

Some People Would Call This Romantic by almaasi 5k rating G

Human Cas goes to the beach and finds it rather overwhelming. Taking a romantic walk with Dean along the beach is also overwhelming.

The Tea is Decaf by mnwood 4k rating T

Really sweet! Cas and Eileen talk and gossip about Sam and Dean in the bunker at night over tea.

A Place to Rest by Inessencedivided 3k rating G

Dean and Cas talk through things after the Stuck in the Middle with You love confession. Cas cries some more.

White Noise by domesticadventures 2k rating G

Cas struggles with feelings of worthlessness in the aftermath of Lucifer's possession.

Receipts by surlybobbies 1k rating G

Cas writes little notes about how much he loves Dean on receipts from meals they share together. Dean finds them.

[norahastuff]

penny for your thoughts on salmondean codependency ?

Sure. Fair warning it’s long (was longer but I stopped myself.)

I think it’s complicated in a show that’s had so many different showrunners because they’ve all handled Sam and Dean’s relationship very differently. In Kripke’s era (s1-5) there was a romanticization of the bond. Sure there was a lot of in-depth exploration of how they wound up at the place they were at, spoiler alert: it was all because of John and his obsessive crusade to find the demon that killed his wife. That’s all he cared about and as a result, Sam and Dean had to be everything to each other. But Kripke had no intention of dismantling that at any point because he was (and always had been) writing a tragedy. Gamble continued that too. There was no room for anyone else in their lives and it would always just be the two of them against the world. So Cas had to go. Bobby had to go.

(Actually, it's funny because Gamble didn't intend this at the time, her plan was to kill Cas off, but by Edlund creating the masterpiece that is The Man Who Would Be King, he not only saved Cas from being seen as a villain, but he also deepened Dean and Cas' relationship in such a profound way and inextricably linked the two of them emotionally. And since Cas was eventually brought back, that laid the foundation for a lot of what their relationship would become.)

Up until this point, there hadn’t really been any significant dismantling of perhaps the more unhealthy parts of Sam and Dean’s relationship. Enter Carver. He stripped things down and started to explore what drove these characters. What they wanted and why they couldn’t have it. It starts with Dean being mad at Sam for not looking for him in purgatory, which sets up the whole speech in the s8 finale of Sam’s guilt about letting Dean down, but the thing is, Dean was never honest with Sam about his year away either. He never told Sam he could have gotten out much sooner if he hadn’t stayed to find Cas. I mean Dean had assumed Sam was up there alone doing God knows what to try to bring him back, and yet still he stayed in Purgatory because things were clear there. He needed Cas. Anyway, I just find that interesting, but Cas isn’t a victim of Sam and Dean’s relationship in s8.

Who gets the honour of being cast aside? That would be Benny and Amelia, two characters they introduced in s8 specifically to highlight that Sam and Dean’s relationship doesn’t allow for anyone else to be a significant part of their life. I mean that’s nothing new, we’ve watched that happen many times before. Lisa even said as much to Dean. The thing is this time? It’s framed as a truly sad thing. That moment at the end of 8x10 when Dean has just ended things with Benny and Sam leaves Amelia, and they’re sitting alone drinking beer and watching tv is such a hollow empty moment. This is not what they want. But it’s the way things have to be.

I’m actually fascinated by Sam and Dean’s conversation in the church in the s8 finale. Not so much Dean’s assertion that there is no one else he would put before Sam, but more so what provokes it, which is Sam saying “who are you going to turn to instead of me. Another angel? Another vampire?” See the thing is Dean saying he would always put Sam first is not news. We know this and it’s not really an unhealthy statement in itself either. A lot of people would put their sibling above anything else, not less a sibling who you raised and is the most important person to you. But in this context? After what Sam said? It just highlights how unhealthy they are if Sam believes that Dean having other people in his life means he doesn’t love him enough. That he’s a disappointment to him. That’s so profoundly fucked up.

(Note, Dean tells Sam that he killed Benny for him but he doesn’t say anything about Cas. I think like I said before, this is because Cas and Dean’s relationship has largely existed out of the Sam and Dean stuff up to this point - Sam and Cas don’t even really have much of a relationship yet besides both of their connections to Dean.)

And then from here, things start getting steadily worse. But we also keep being shown how bad they are. Dean lying to Sam, taking away his free will by letting Gadreel possess him. Dean sending Cas away, Kevin dying. It’s all awful. The whole “there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you line” from 9x01 isn’t really said by Dean, it’s Gadreel, but that is how Dean feels. He does think that’s all he’s good for. And over the season we’re shown how much of himself and what he truly wants he’s had to give up because of his ingrained “Save Sammy” and “Sammy comes first” mentality. It’s always been this way for him. In 9x07 we see that he had found a happy home, a good father figure, and his first love, a first love might I add that he had to leave behind with no real explanation because Sam needed him, and Sam comes first.

I mean just one episode earlier we had him rushing out the door elated about seeing Cas and spending time with him, only for their time together to come to sad and melancholic end when Dean once again leaves Cas behind without any real explanation, because despite what he wants Sammy comes first. What he wants doesn’t matter.

See I think after the Gadreel stuff comes out is where the narrative starts to get a little wonky for me. You can clearly see that this was intended to be a shorter story that they ended up stretching out to a much longer one because of renewals. There’s also the fact that this is a formula show so they can’t necessarily be separated for longer than an episode or two. S10 is a rough one to get through at times, I think the themes still mostly hold up but it’s a rough one to get through.

S10 highlights all the connections that Dean has, Cas, Charlie, Crowley even, but Sam doesn’t really have those bonds in the same way.  For Sam it’s just Dean, so he goes down a reckless destructive “do anything to save Dean!” path and so many innocents pay the price, and ultimately with the release of The Darkness, the whole world.

They skirted right up to the edge of exploring just how toxic and dangerous their relationship had become in the season 10 finale.

DEAN: I let Rudy die. How was that not evil? I know what I am, Sam. But who were you when you drove that man to sell his soul... Or when you bullied Charlie into getting herself killed? And to what end? A..a good end? A just end? To remove the Mark no matter what the consequences? Sam, how is that not evil? I have this thing on my arm, and you're willing to let the Darkness into the world.

I can’t say evil is the right word, they were never evil, but they were wilfully blind to everything and everyone else when it came to saving each other. S10 tested my love for the show because after watching it, because there was certainly a feeling that the two of them had become the villains of this story. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a problem with that, it’s just after 2 seasons of this I can’t say I had a lot of faith that this was going to be properly addressed or if we were going to keep going in circles around it. Keep being shown, it’s bad and then nothing much being done to fix it. Your mileage may vary on how it was handled, but I think s11 did a relatively ok job considering it wasn’t the end of the story, and the show needed to keep going.

See from Dean’s side a lot of the codependency rests on 1. His father’s orders to always save Sammy 2. His low self-esteem where he sees himself as nothing but a blunt instrument. 3. His guilt at not being able to perfectly fulfil every familial role in Sam’s life 4. His belief that no one could choose to love him but family has to love you. 5. The unhealthy example of what it should look like to love someone that he got from John. You give up everything but them.

For Sam (and honestly it’s not as clear for me as Dean’s side is so feel free to correct me/disagree on this) 1. Everytime he’s tried to leave and create his own life it’s never ended well. 2. His guilt over wanting freedom and a normal life when he was younger (I’m referring specifically to Stanford era here) 3. His guilt over everything Dean has given up for him. 4. John. 5. Jess.

Ultimately it all comes down to isolation. They both had to be everything to each other, and the deeper they got into this fight, the more people that they lost, the tighter they clung to this notion of family and brothers. I think s11 (and 11x23 in particular) was an important turning point, both for Sam and Dean’s relationship, as well as for them as individuals. Because they weren’t alone there anymore. Cas was there. Sam let Dean walk to his death. Of course, it would devastate him, but he knew it was what had to be done. And he didn’t walk out of that bar and go back to the bunker alone. He had Cas, he had someone who cared about him and wanted to help him and talk to him. Sure Dean asked Cas to take care of Sam for him (you know after Cas offered to walk to his death with him) but Sam let him. He let him be there for him. We didn’t get to see much before the BMOL showed up and blasted Cas away, but still, we saw enough.

I think that’s a significant difference to note why their relationship was different in the Dabb era. It wasn’t just them anymore. Cas was an important member of their family and given a level of importance he’d never been given before and couldn’t have been when the story they were telling was of the dangers of their codependency. Mary was back. Eventually, Jack would become a part of their unit too. Just the two of them wasn’t enough for them anymore. This is made abundantly clear with all of Dean’s desperate attempts to get Cas to stay in s12, followed by his inability to keep going when they lose Cas and Mary in s13. Similarly, Sam really struggles when they lose Jack and fail to get Mary back later in the season.

Another big moment is Dean letting Sam go alone to lead the hunters against the BMOL in 12x22 while he stays back to try and reach Mary. Like he tells Mary, he’s had to be a brother, a father and a mother to Sam and he never stopped seeing him as his kid, but in that moment he makes a choice. He lets Sam take charge and he shows that he trusts him and believes in him. He knows he can handle it.

Sometimes it’s not even a character growth thing. Sometimes having other people there stops you from making destructive choices even though that’s still your first instinct. I’m thinking specifically of 13x21 after Sam was killed. Dean would have run headlong into that nest of vampires and got himself torn apart, but Cas was there to stop him. He was able to make him see reason.

Basically, I think that for a long time, they thought the only relationship they could have was each other, which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy because their desperate attempts to keep each other around led to them losing the people around them. They eventually started to learn that that wasn’t true, they could have more, they were allowed to want more, and that it wasn’t an either-or situation. Dean didn’t have to choose between Sam and Cas. They didn’t have to choose between each other or Jack. The same goes for Mary. Different relationships can coexist without threatening each other, and not say that their relationship in s12-15 was all smooth sailing, but it was certainly so very different from everything that came before.

(There’s maybe a point to be made about how they didn’t have anyone or anything in the finale and how that relates to the story we got, but honestly I have no idea what the intention was with any of the choices made in that episode so I’ll leave it at that for now.)

[soyl4ndo]

PROMPT LIST

Here is my prompt list. You can either use these or your specific plot to request. Remember to add your requested driver and the corresponding letter and number if you use a prompt. I mainly write for: Lando Norris but I’ll take other driver requests if I’m not busy.

FLUFF F1. "I will walk you home." F2. "I want everything with you." F3. "You care too much for an idiot like me." F4. "Remind me why we waited so long?" F5. "I could spend forever in your arms." F6. Wait did you just ask me out?" F7. "Can I kiss you?" F8. "I can get used to this." F9. "Do we have to share a room?" F10. "Apparently we are dating." F11. "My clothes look better on you." F12. "You feel like home." F13. "Is this a date?" F14. "Is that my shirt?" F15. "Why are you being so nice?" F16. "I don't think I can be just your friend." F17. "I've waited so long for this." F18. "My friends made a bet to see how long it would take for me to ask you out, so here I am." F19. "Would you mind staying a little longer?" F20. "You can't keep pretending it didn't happen." F21. "Do you want to come to the next race?" F22. "Can I use this as an excuse for our second date?" F23. You were the last two single friends in your friend group. F24. "I'm sorry, do I know you?" F25. "Because I fell for you, isn't it obvious?" F26. "You shouldn't look at me like that and then say that we are just friends." F27. "You're telling me you believe in love at first sight?" F28. "Those things you said, did you mean them?" F29. "I have no one to go to the wedding with." F30. "There will be better days, but I will be here for all of them." F31. "Nothing some love and care and a good soup can't fix." F32. "I'm here to support you, always." F33. "We don't have to do this, if you don't want to." F34. "I've seen the way he looks at you." F35. "You have no idea how long I've waited for this."

SMUT S1. His thumb had begun to run up and down your thigh. S2. His actions had you moaning quietly, desperate for his touch. S3. "It's not my fault you keep turning me on." S4. "I love it when you kiss my neck." S5. "Do you want to put my shirt on?" S6. "Don't give me that look." S7. "Do you think they can hear us?" S8. "Don't talk to me when you're only wearing a towel." S9. "I'm trying to sleep." S10. "If we get caught, it's your fault." S11. "Don't make me pull over." S12. "Friends don't do this type of shit." S13. "You're going to regret this." S14. "I can't control myself around you." S15. "We are not sleeping tonight." S16. "I normally don't do second rounds, but for you I'm willing to make an exception." S17. "We really shouldn't be doing this." S18. "that's not what you said last night." S19. "This can never happen again." S20. "Going to fuck the word friend right out of your mouth." S21. "You had to know it was this big." S22. "Not going to last very long, if you keep doing that." S23. "I love the way look when I'm inside you." S24. "I've never wanted to fuck you more than I do now." S25. "You can't keep coming over in the middle of the night." S26. "Your eyes are saying so much more than your mouth right now." S27. "I like it when you moan my name." S28. "Don't start something you won't finish." S29. "If you don't like it, then we will move on." S30. "Are you sure you want this? We can still stop." S31. "Keep doing that and I won't be gentle." S32. "I'm going to fuck you, so there is at least one thing I fucked the right way." S33. "This is a one time thing." S34. "Don't be gentle." S35. "I've never done this before." S36. "There is no way anyone is that innocent." S37. "No one can ever find out about this." S38. "It's like I hear angels, every time I hear you moan." S39. "Don't act innocent now." S40. "You don't know what you do to me, do you?" S41. "Are you going to join me or just keep staring?" S42. "Round two?" S43. "I need to feel all of you." S44. His hands wraps around your throat. S45. "Are you going to keep eye fucking me?"

ANGST A1. "I know I fucked up." A2. "I don't know how to deal with this." A3. "I don't know how much more of this I can actually deal with." A4. "I know this might be dumb, but can you stay with me?" A5. "If you love me, then why did you sleep with him?" A6. "Please, just listen for a second." A7. "I hate seeing you like this." A8. "Is that what you think about me?" A9. "What happened?" A10. "I just want to see you happy." A11. "Nobody compares to you." A12. "You're not alone." A13. "Have I ever lied to you?" A14. "You are saying goodbye, aren't you?" A15. "Don't finish that sentence." A16. "You can't fix this." A17. "Don't make promises you can't keep." A18. They are meant to be, in another universe." A19. "He would've made it." A20. "I've been in love with you since we were kids." A21. "I was happier with you." A22. "It's pouring rain, why are you here?" A23. "I didn't know where else to go." A24. "Why are you walking out of my life?" A25. "They still ask about you." A26. "And then he left." A27. "I'm tired of keeping this a secret." A28. "Don't you see I'm trying?" A29. "Don't go on that date." A30. "I never stopped loving you." A31. "I could have won." A32. "I'd rather deny my feeling than have to explain them." A33. "You can't keep pretending it didn't happen." A34. It was not what was said that ended their relationship. It was what went unsaid. A35. "I never stopped supporting you, although it hurt." A36. "I didn't know where else to go." A37. "You probably don't want to watch this." A38. "You didn't deserve to hear that." A39. "Oh my god, can you hear yourself!" A40. "You know I want you. It's not a secret I try to hide, but I can't have you."

[ssaalexblake]

Hard disagree that 13 is just putting up with Dan for Yaz's sake tho, 13 invited Dan to come into the tardis (the Only person she's done this with that wasn't catfishing her) before him and Yaz were even friends, she went to Liverpool to pick him back up after due to some timey wimey nonsense he ended up back home without her dropping him off. She also goes back afterwards and invites him back with no quibbling (and like... if 13 had objected to taking him along properly after Flux it would have been a proper fight between her and yaz, which would be narratively relevant, and we'd have seen it and we didn't so it didn't happen).

There's also the fact that this isn't S11 anymore, 13 is no longer putting up her chipper persona, when people annoy her she's not bothering to lie anymore. If Dan bothered her, we'd know about it because she's an asshole (and tbh she was an asshole to people she didn't like in s11 anyway).

They Do like each other! They have idiot synergy! It's just they both care a hell of a lot about Yaz, they've both Separately known Yaz for years but only known each other a few weeks. So yeah, Yaz is the proper glue here, but that's fine??? You're not immediately close to somebody you met a couple of weeks ago and the doctor's not shy about letting people that are not entirely welcome in the tardis know that. Think of Mickey. Jack even, to a point.

Anyway, mostly i still haven't seen anything even approaching actual tension between 13 and Dan, it's just you're not super close to people you met less than a month ago.

[hercleverboy]

the year of goodbyes

spencer reid x gn!reader

masterlist

summary ↠ over the course of a year, Spencer says goodbye to three people— and hello to one.

category ↠ angst/fluff

warnings/includes ↠ takes place in s11, talk of Alzheimer’s,  

word count ↠ 1.8k

massive shoutout to my beloved @ellesgreenaway for beta reading and encouraging me to finish this piece— india you are my actual saving grace

“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” — Paulo Coelho

People leaving wasn’t exactly a new concept for Spencer.

He knew it all too well, the familiar look that was cast over peoples features, how their eyes got glassy and lips twitched as they prepared to tell him that they were yet another person who would leave him behind— like so many had before.

But their choice of words was always different. He noticed a sort of pattern, when it came to people walking out of his life. They tended to dance around the words, never exactly saying ‘I’m leaving you.’

First, it was his father. He’d watched him pack a suitcase full of things, spit angry words at his mother and then turn to him, his son— placing his hand on his shoulder, mumbling a few cowardly words and that was that. Spencer no longer had a father.

(‘I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to look after you anymore.’)

Second was Gideon, who never actually said goodbye in person (and Spencer couldn’t decide whether that was better or worse.) Instead, he left, wrote words down on a page and then addressed it to him.

(‘Spencer, I knew you would be the one to come down here.’)

And again, with Alex. Not a goodbye, not in the formal sense, but Spencer’s heart ached with how he knew what this was— he recognised the look on her face and knew that once again, he would lose someone he loved.

(‘You know, Ethan would’ve been a lot like you.’)

Everyone in Spencer’s life started to feel temporary. There one minute, gone the next. He wished that meant that he cared any less for them, or that it hurt any less when they left.

Of course, that was never the case.

His mother’s mental state had been deteriorating rapidly, and nothing— not anything that Spencer’s big genius brain could think of — was helping her.

When he visited her, he saw the vacant look in her eyes. He recognised the look of confusion on her face when he’d enter the room, ignoring how his heart squeezed painfully upon realising that his own mother no longer remembered him.

It would take her a few minutes, but eventually the confusion would disappear and she would give him a smile, greeting him with open arms and warm words.

It was a different kind of leaving, but she was leaving him all the same. She wasn’t physically going anywhere, but, mentally?

He saw how she was deteriorating, he argued with countless doctors and medical professionals, exhausting every book and resource he could find— just hoping he could come up with something.

But, no.

He found it a little ironic. He was the boy wonder, the resident genius of the Bureau’s elite behavioural analysis unit, a smartass who had endless amounts of knowledge.

He always had the answer, always had the solution.

Ironic— because the man who was supposed to know it all, had no clue how to protect his mother from a disease that would inevitably take her from him.

It wasn’t something he would ever come to terms with, it was never something he would accept. He knew how it was going to go, the doctors told him as much.

The day would come that he would walk into his mother’s room, and those vacant eyes would never gain clarification. Her confusion wouldn’t pass, and she would no longer recognise him.

Spencer dreaded that day.

He feared it, even. 

Because the day he lost his mother would be the day he lost himself. 

*

When Catherine Adams’ file came across Spencer’s desk, he thrusted all of his agony over his mother into the case. It was why he decided that he would be the one to take her down in the restaurant, why he insisted that she wouldn’t perceive him as a threat. 

Oddly enough, Spencer found himself intrigued by her. Perhaps, he simply enjoyed being intellectually challenged in such a way.  Or perhaps, somewhere deep down in the darkest parts of himself, he liked the attention, got off on being able to outsmart her. 

He was smug when he managed to trick her into getting into the back of the police van, under the guise that he’d found her father. (After all, she was ‘just another girl with daddy issues’.) 

It was only when Cat gave him a grin, one that contrasted with the tears that slipped down her cheeks, that Spencer felt uneasy. 

He crouched down in front of her, whispered a small, “Goodbye, Cat,” before getting up and leaving the van, feeling a weight on his chest that made it difficult for him to breathe. 

Again, it was a different type of goodbye. One he was of course relieved about, because with it brought the promised safety of Penelope, now that Cat was behind bars. Although, alongside the relief, there was a sour aftertaste. 

It was what led him to take a moment, sitting down on the swings in the park, hands trembling slightly as they grabbed the chains, swinging gently in a slow rhythm that he hoped would calm him down. 

The last words Cat had said to him played over and over in his head. 

“In twenty years, you won’t remember my name. But I’ll remember yours.” 

At first, Spencer assumed she was referring to how after a while, Cat would simply blend into the sea of seemingly never-ending unsubs who all tried, and failed, to outsmart the team.

It was only later that Spencer realised she was instead insinuating that he would succumb to the same disease as his mother— forgetting not only those that he loved, but the ones he hated too.

*

Spencer’s best friend was going to be a father. 

The team were gathered in the waiting room, eagerly awaiting news, when Morgan came out with a smile on his face. “It’s a boy!” 

Pure, unbridled joy burst throughout the room, with Spencer lurching forward to wrap his arms around him, laughing and giving his congratulations. He swallowed the lump that began to form in his throat and pushed away the thoughts that swirled around his mind. Deep down, he knew what would inevitably happen, but that moment wasn’t the right time to think about it. 

It was late in the evening when Derek Morgan stopped by Spencer’s desk. Before he even looked up from his paperwork, he knew where this conversation was going to go. When he did look up, it all but confirmed it— he saw the sad smile on Morgan’s lips, and watched how his eyes glossed over.

He said nothing though. Instead, he smiled and chuckled as Morgan gushed over his newborn son. His smile got even bigger when Morgan handed over the birth announcement— Hank Spencer Morgan.

Although he knew what was coming, he knew what decision Morgan was going to make, he expected nothing less from his best friend. A man who had grown immensely in the years he’d known him, going from a real ladies man to someone who would give up his job in order to be there for his family.

Morgan placed his hand on Spencer’s shoulder, a sigh leaving his lips. “Kid, listen. Here’s the thing..”

“I know.” Spencer whimpered quietly, smiling sadly. “It’s okay. I know. And I understand.”

He watched Derek Morgan walk away, sniffling as he willed the tears to keep at bay. He watched his best friend, his brother, walk away. And it hurt, God it hurt. But he was so proud of the man that Morgan had become that he pushed aside the hurt, reminding himself of what he knew to be true.

Everyone left eventually. 

Spencer feared that one day, he would look around and find that he was truly and utterly alone.

*

It was a normal Tuesday morning, and Spencer was making his way through the FBI Headquarters, up to the BAU floor. He stepped into the elevator, his coffee mug in one hand, and his other resting over his satchel. Just before the door closed, he heard someone call out. 

“Hold the doors!” 

Spencer reached a hand out, pushing the doors back open. 

You scuttled into the elevator, looking over to the male next to you with a smile. “Thank you for holding the doors. I’m already running a little late for my first day.” You explained, reaching to press the button for the fifth floor, watching as the elevator doors closed again. 

“The fifth floor? The Sex Crimes Unit?” Spencer asked curiously. 

You nodded. 

“It’s your first day?” 

“Yeah, I moved here for the job a couple of weeks back. It was an incredible opportunity, I couldn’t pass it up.” You expressed, and Spencer gave you a tight lipped smile in return. “I’m presuming you work here as well?” 

He nodded. “I’m in the Behavioural Analysis Unit, a floor up from you.” 

“Well, that’s good to hear. At least I have one friend in the building, if it turns out my new team hate me.” You joked, glad when Spencer let out a little laugh. 

“I’m sure that won’t be the case. You seem very likeable.” 

You grinned up at him. “Thank you.”

The elevator dinged, the doors opening. You looked over at your new friend, flashing him a nervous smile. “Well, wish me luck.”

“Good luck.” He smiled back, raising his hand in a small wave as you left the elevator. 

After a long day of paperwork (and thinking of the pretty person he’d met in the elevator), Spencer gathered together his things before getting into the elevator. It stopped on the floor below, and when the doors opened, he smiled at the sight of you. 

You looked up from where you’d been looking down at your phone, mirroring his grin. “Hey! It’s you.” 

“Yes—yes, It is, me.” Spencer replied, cringing awkwardly at his nonsensical response. 

You only laughed quietly at it, entering the elevator. 

“How was your first day?” He asked, only to be polite. 

You seemed surprised that he’d asked, but answered nonetheless. “It was good! Turns out my team don’t hate me. Or at least, I don’t think they do?” Your voice raised in question, making Spencer laugh a little. 

“See? What did I tell you?” He grinned, and you rolled your eyes playfully. 

You leaned over, nudging his shoulder with yours. “I’m Y/N, by the way.” 

“Spencer.” 

“It’s lovely to meet you, Spencer. For the second time today.” 

Spencer smiled shyly, hands delving into his pockets as the elevator dinged. The two of you stepped out, looking at one another with timid expressions. 

“My car, it’s that way.” You pointed to the other end of the car park. 

“I take the subway.” Spencer responded, wishing he could find a way to make you stay a little longer.

“Well, have a good evening, Spencer.” You beamed. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Yes!” He responded a little eagerly, sighing inwardly before clearing his throat. “I mean yeah, sure that- that’s cool.” 

You giggled quietly, waving goodbye before turning toward your car. 

Spencer blushed the whole way to the subway station, biting back the smile on his lips at the thought of you. 

People leaving wasn’t exactly a new concept for Spencer. 

But you? 

He had the feeling that you were going to be a very permanent part of his life, and he didn’t mind that in the slightest. 

*

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[spinchip]

I Will Answer to Knife

Word Count: 3600 Pairings: Gen Warnings: Post s11 Ice Chapter. PTSD, mentions of blood/murder, Zane isn’t in a good headspace.

Summary: Zane struggles with weapons he isn’t used to. Zane struggles with what he offers.

Wouldbelove, do not think of me as a whetstone until you hear the whole story: In it, I’m not the hero, but I’m not the villain either so let’s say, in the story, I was human and made of human-things: fear and hands, underbelly and blade.

He overcompensates, loses his balance and skids across the courtyard. His side takes the brunt of it, and if he were human the bruises would be layered one on top of the other, each time he slips imprinted onto his skin in a motley purple-blue-yellow. He’s not human, so all he has to show for his fumbling is radiating pain not unlike cracked ribs, a dirty gi, and tight-lipped irritation that barely masks shame. The impact sends his shuriken out of his hands, arcing in an unrefined fling that has one stuck out of the gate across the yard and the other lying, like him, in the dirt.

He rolls to a stop, flopping back onto the ache of his shoulder blades to stare up at the sky. Without thinking, he balls his hand into a fist and bangs the side of his palm against the edge of the training mat he can reach. Frustration seeps hot across his throat and down his chest, like blood from a fresh wound. He rolls over on his sore side by mistake but doesn’t dare suck in a hissing breath, not with the others watching so closely, gathering his legs underneath him and rising to his feet.

Kai looks sympathetic from his spot on the blue mat that is not big enough to keep his failure contained, the dirt on his gi proof of his mistakes spilling over. The wooden swords in his hands are awkward and out of place, their weight different from his normal weaponry yet even with this disadvantage, he puts Zane down over and over.

Well, Zane does most of the work for him, really.

Lloyd watches with a pinched expression as Zane dusts himself off, his position at the head of the training session a solid presence, “I think that’s enough for today.” He says, and he almost seems apologetic.

“I can go again.” Zane insists, and refuses to stumble as he collects his discarded weapons, wrenching the edge of his blade out of the gate with his dwindling strength.

He’s exhausted. They’ve been running basic drills, ameatuer hour stuff Zane should have been able to do in his sleep- but it’s been years. Decades upon decades stuck on the throne of the Never Realm, and now he’s out of practice and off balance. Nindroids don't have muscle memory, and his regular memory has been shredded enough that things like this didn’t bother to stick. He can’t get through a single move without losing the dexterity that used to come easy and sending himself to the dirt- Lloyd had gone from advanced moves to novice to beginner slowly throughout the day, yet the result was the same: Zane in the dirt of his own accord, aching and weak.

To add insult to injury, Kai is obviously holding back. Jay had been too, yesterday, Nya the day before. In the span of a week he went from the most formidable man in the realm to an uncoordinated child who needed to be treated delicately. He could barely land a hit on the training dummy, and it didn’t even move.

“Maybe you can try your bow again?” Zane can’t meet Kais eyes, the pity he’s trying to mask making his wires curl.

“We saw how well that went.” Jay mutters not uncharitably, another string of disappointments a few days prior where his aim left much to be desired, and quite nearly took his eye when he’d lost his grip.

The others had been training too, but they’d stopped to watch as Lloyd summoned Kai and Zane to spar.

“We need to assess your skills in combat,” Lloyd had said earlier that day, the so we can make up for your shortcomings going unsaid but heavy all the same. Or maybe Zane is the one being uncharitable- but he’s in pain and tired and his mask of calm is harder to keep a grip on now.

And Kai had hesitated on the edge of the mat, holding the steel of his swords, and with his head down had swapped them for wooden fakes. The insult threatened to make Zanes lip curl, but he’d been forced to concede to his foresight when dull wood blades cracked against the side of his thigh and forced him to the ground, in one of the few times Zane had managed to stay on his feet long enough to be taken down by something other than his own shortcomings. He should have been able to dodge.

The shurikens are so small in his hands, and he hasn’t used them in so so long. He's rusty.

“I can go again.” He insists, stepping back onto the mat. In a real battle, he’d be less than useless. They couldn’t protect him, he had to be able to take care of himself. He had to keep going until he could at least survive. He was good at surviving, he’d spent decades hanging on by a thread- countering a wooden sword shouldn't be so difficult compared to parrying the knives from assassins or the swords of dead men walking. He’s weak.

Lloyd gets that look on his face that he only gets when he has to do something he really doesn’t want to do, mostly when he must flex his status on the others when they're being particularly stubborn. It’s a pained stony sort of expression, “That’s enough for today.” he says more firmly, shoulder squaring. He loses the soft edges of the boy he used to be, Master Lloyd filling in the spaces rigid.

Protest raises on his tongue, “The longer I go at the skill level I am at now, the more dangerous it becomes.” fear, frustration, and desperation simmers below the surface, “I am a liability on the field, I cannot stop until I can hold my own.”

“We can continue training tomorrow.” Lloyd says, unyielding. Green eyes trail down to Zanes' sore side, assessing.

He bristles and tries to tamp it down, “You do not need to go easy on me-” he starts.

Lloyd interrupts him, “Yes we do-” frustration cracking the facade of the master, the others looking on in wide eyed worry.

“Lloyd, Zane, enough.” Wu's voice rings out in sharp tones, his presence slamming the lid on the boiling over pot, “I believe I have a suggestion to solve our problem.”

Problem. Zane tries not to let that sting as he spins to face Master Wu.

The man is descending the stairs of the monastery into the courtyard, the others parting like the red sea, his cape trailing on the edge of the steps as he comes down. In his hand is-

Zanes vision tunnels, Lloyd, Kai, the others all fading away as he takes in the smooth metal, leather bound handle, the wicked curved blade- a piece of him howls, jagged and frozen fingers scrabbling at the corners of his mind, the sight of that staff is like going snowblind. All at once he’s standing in the courtyard amongst his friends and the throne room at the same time, realities overlapping in brutal contrast.

His shuriken bounces off his foot and he is thrust back into his body, his hands empty where he’d dropped his weapons in shock. Wu approaches him with the staff and he takes a shaky step backwards, wiping at his mouth with wobbling hands, half expecting to wipe away spit- salivating at just the sight of it. His wrists and fingers ache, begging him to take it in his hands.

Wu disregards his reaction, walking into his space among the group on the mat. He thunks the staff down in front of Zane, the weight of it digging into blue, like it is the answer.

He’s so spooked he doesn’t dare move, looking at it with wide eyes. Now that he’s more present, he realizes it’s nearly identical to the Staff of Forbidden Spinjitzu, except this one is notably missing the scroll that gave it the corruptive power. It’s just a staff, plain and simple.

No one says a word. Zane stares at it, trembling.

Lloyd is quiet, then, “Are you sure that this is a good idea, Master Wu?”

Wu looks sad but he’s trying to mask it, “You are their teacher, Lloyd. When Zane falters, what do you see?”

Zane is listening, sort of. He’s tracing the edge of the blade with his eyes- sharpened to a fine point, clean and perfect. It looks heavy, the whole thing does, he can nearly taste the weight of it on his tongue. He wants to take it so badly it hurts, and in the same breath he wants to cast it off the side of the mountain or freeze it solid and shatter it against the stone under his feet.

“He’s off balance. He’s compensating for a weight that’s not there.” Lloyd looks like he’s swallowed a lemon, “The shuriken are too small.” He admits.

Wu nods to the weapon in his hand, glancing from Lloyd to pin his eyes on Zane, “You’ve had a lifetime of practice with this weapon. You’ve wielded a staff longer than a shuriken or a bow, perhaps it is time to embrace that.”

Zane doesn’t even look at him. He can almost feel the whisper on the back of his mind- it’s not there, the staff is a replica without the extra power, but Zane can imagine it all the same.

He reaches out and takes it.

The feel of it in his palm is like a starburst of agony, an ice burn that jumps up the metal of his forearm and digs into the plane of his chest. Flickers of memories flash in his mind's eyes all like looking through a pane of frosted ice-glass, cold seeping into his skeleton. A memory rises unbidden, a man he did not freeze, who had been close enough to strike with the blade- red red red

He chucks it across the courtyard without thinking, staggering away from it, “I can’t.” he nearly gags, before darting past Wu and Lloyd and narrowly avoiding Coles worried brush of his fingers. He takes the stairs two at a time, throwing open the front door and not bothering to shut it behind him.

He holes himself away in his room, sitting on the floor next to his bed, trying to hold himself together.

Too much too soon, the staff wrenched memories he’d been ignoring and hiding away free.

He doesn’t want to admit it, wants to choke it down and pretend it didn’t happen, but he can’t deny that- even with the pain and shame and bloody wounded guilt overwhelming him- taking that staff had felt like coming home.

Home was supposed to be Ninjago. Somewhere along the way, it became the throne room, too. He’d been split in half, pieces of him trapped in a realm he could never return to. The closest he’d ever get to sating the pervasive homesick itch is to hold a facsimile of his tool of violence.

Perhaps it is time to embrace that Wu had said, holding out the weapon he’d bloodied his hands with.

Evening comes and goes, and he skips dinner again. He’s crawled into bed at some point, staring up at the ceiling, trying hard not to think. He swallows down the threatening urge to crack under it all. In the darkness, he stares at his palms.

Vex is standing at his side, the throne room an open doorway behind them, and the staff is a curling presence he’s never without. It’s hard to think about these memories because he doesn’t form thoughts like he did when he was broken, the memories jagged and warped. Trying to understand is like catching a blade you’ve dropped- a falling knife has no handle. It hurts.

But in this memory he and Vex are walking through the palace hall. Grand windows might as well be painted white with the snow obscuring the now frozen wasteland, but the Emperor had no desire to see the outside world, or anything at all. This is before he had snuffed out the rising rebellions, this is before he’d flexed his power and made the people afraid, this is before they’d even given him the moniker Ice Emperor. He is nameless now, even Vex only calls him by his title. He doesn’t even know he is missing something so vital.

Vex says, “You don’t need to worry about the inconsequential things,” he’s a step behind Zane, and when his emperor slows he can prod him so he keeps moving, “You are an instrument of power, these things are beneath you. I will handle the day-to-day for you, my Emperor.”

The click of his staff ticks across the hall as they walk, “And what am I to handle?”

“Nothing. Simply keep your hold on our eternal winter, and raise your staff when I ask it of you.”

There's a stirring of thought in the empty caverns of his head and not a hint of it is kind, “I am your attack dog, then.”

To his credit, Vex doesn’t falter, “You are my Emperor.” he says immediately, and then- carefully, and almost genuinely curious, “What do you have to offer other than violence?”

Zane lays in bed and stares at the shapes in the dark that might be his hands. Shurikens don’t fit right any more, his arrows shoot askance. If the next threat arises in the morning, what can he do except cost his friends focus?

He is a bleeding wound. They need to treat him gently and delicately- but life is not gentle and delicate, and perhaps it is time to take a knife over a fire and cauterize the injury.

He slips and goes horizontal and his blood spills across the dirt. It’s metaphorical until it’s not and the newest adversary forgoes fake wooden swords for real ones, sharpened blades sinking home. If he were human he would bleed red blood. He’s not human, so it’s oil and coolant and hydraulic fluid seeping into the soil.

He is a liability. Weak-link. He has to learn to fight again. He has to embrace it, even if it feels like frostbite chipping away at him, even if it hurts. Vex had forged him into a knife, forced him into the shape of a blade and sharpened him with blood instead of water, if he can accept these pieces he can make himself useful once more. It was all he had.

He wants to feel strong again.

Morning comes in slanting lights though his window, the blanket is too hot under them. He hadn’t slept enough but he rolls out of bed and changes into a clean gi anyway and trails out of his room. Conversation falls hushed when he comes into the kitchen, and he eats breakfast despite the way his stomach churns- it tastes like it always tastes, bland and unappetizing. The ache in his side had faded over the night, nearly non-existent. He can spar fresh.

“We didn’t think you’d be joining us today.” Nya tries, smiling over her bagel.

He doesn’t shrug, putting his fork down, “I meant what I said. I cannot stop until I can protect myself.”

Nya’s face grows pinched and worried, “You can, though.” She reaches across the table and sets her hand on top of his, and she doesn’t jolt or comment at all about how cold he is, “You can take a break, Zane.”

Wu had called him a problem. Zane knows that’s not what he meant, but it weighs his shoulders like lead, and he doesn’t respond. He stands up and takes his plate to the sink, and her hands falls flat against the table.

The staff is sitting on the porch, leaned up against the wall. He focuses on it the moment they walk outside, and Jay ducks his head nervously- he was probably supposed to put it away so Zane didn’t see it again, but they thought he was going to skip like he had the first few days after he’d come home. Never put off until tomorrow what can be done today.

They do warm-ups, then Lloyd pairs them up for sparring, and his eyes skate over Zane reluctantly until, “Cole… Zane. Come spar.” The others don’t need for Lloyd to supervise them, or the training mat. Zane needs both.

They both go to the weapons and Cole, like Kai yesterday, avoids his hammer. He reaches for the wooden training swords but Zane catches his wrist.

He looks up, startled, “Zane?” He asks, confused.

He manhandles his hand over to the grip of his hammer, “Do not hold back.” He says firmly, and then jogs up the stairs and wraps his fingers around the staff.

Expecting it this time, he compartmentalizes the memories the instant they surface, shoving them back. In the absence of pain there is comfort, the weight so achingly familiar a hole inside of him he didn’t know he had is filled. Like coming home, he’d felt it yesterday. Confidence pours into his system- he knows how to hold this, to swing this, to fight with this. He picks it up and it’s perfectly balanced, a missing limb reattached.

Carrying it down the stairs, he’s aware of their stares.

Kai and Nya break formation, moving back to give Cole and Zane room. Jay follows their lead, and they settle back to watch.

Cole is holding his hammer and his expression is grim, “Are you sure you can handle this?”

He feels like he’s being filled with ice, chill threatening to frost over his eyes. He’s not sure at all, but he says, “Don’t hold back.” Again anyway.

Shurikens are small. To fight, he has to stand back, give space, evade and dodge. Bow and arrows are much the same. They are largely defensive. Before the Never Realm, he was good at defense.

“Whenever you’re ready.” Lloyd says and Zane carefully tunes out the apprehension in his voice.

Now he is more comfortable on the offense.

He moves.

The Ice Emperor rarely fights in close combat- he rarely fights at all, actually. He waves his staff and freezes, he calls ice and allows that to do the work for him, but when he does face off one on one, he does so as brutally efficiently as he can. He is all offense, blow after blow after unrelenting blow- he pours bone-shattering strength into each strike, driving rebellion leaders to their knees, knocking back a town's most elite soldiers, and if they don’t go down on the first hit he wastes no time lashing out again. He rushes his opponent, he overwhelms them, and he offers not a single second of reprieve.

He hauls back, crossing the mat in half a second, and slices through the air in a clean and powerful swing. The crack of his staff against the handle of Cole's hammer sounds like a gunshot with the terrible force behind it, and before Cole can gather his bearing he swings again.

He beats him back faster than he expected- Cole underestimated him, and it cost him precious ground. He tries to put distance between them to get a moment to make his move, but Zane is with him step for step, suffocating any moves before they can breathe.

To fight with his shuriken or his bow is like oil against his water, they don’t mix now that the staff has imprinted itself onto his mind. He cannot reconcile the difference, not yet. He compensates for the weight of the staff, keeps his balance, and advances on his target with brutal efficiency.

He sweeps his leg out while splitting Cole's attention with a strike intended for his side, and Cole goes down with a startled shout. Zane twists the staff so the flat side of the blade is sitting on his chest- the intent is clear, but there’s no danger he’ll accidentally cut him. It’s over in heartbeats, and Cole looks up at him, astonished.

“Holy moly.” Jay breathes.

Zane moves the blade aside, shifting the staff to hold it upright. He glances over at Lloyd, who looks a shade paler than before the fight, whose eyes are a bit too wide. He was the only one who’d seen the Ice Emperor in action, and the last time he’d held the blade against someone's chest it had been him- sharp side down, the intent had been clear then, too. Zane averts his eyes, guilt threatening the progress he’d made even picking the staff up, and focused on holding out a hand so he could bring Cole back to his feet.

Cole winces as he pulls him up, “Zane…” He says, staggering, “That was like nothing I've ever seen from you.” He flexes his fingers, the blows stinging his hands even now.

He doesn’t flinch or shy away from his friends' looks, “It’s how I fought.” He’s hoping he doesn’t have to put any more context to that sentence, he doesn’t want to say the Never Realms name out loud.

“How?” Nya asks, “You left so many openings, how did you win?”

“Overwhelming force.” Zane says.

“The openings mean nothing if I can’t even swing.” Cole shakes his head.

Master Wu smiles from the doorway, “Very impressive, Zane."

The pieces of himself snapped clean down the middle don’t mend, but they aren’t bleeding anymore either. Satisfaction, purpose, strength floods his system. He is not striped with dirt or bruises, he is no longer a failure- he is formidable, dangerous. He can fight, now.

What does he have to offer other than violence?

Zane cannot be the man he was before, but he can be a weapon. He can't remember any other way to be.

The staff sits comforting in his hand.

I like to call myself wound but I will answer to knife.

Underbelly by Nicole Homer

[incarnateirony]

Someone dropped this in my submission box instead of ask box, “So I’m trying to genuinely understand what you’re saying is you understand corporate execs at the CW had a hand in the ending of supernatural? I’m not judging not attacking I swear I’m just trying to make sense of it because I had no idea about any of this up till now because I had stayed out of online fandom because well for years it felt big but anyways am I getting this right?”

---

The CW has a hand in everything. Here’s how this generally works.

The authors have ~relative~ freedom on a show. That is to say, the execs really don’t sit there splitting the nuances of the storytelling the fandom is receiving. They generally don’t even identify major markers that any of us would know (see: not even recognizing what the Roadhouse is.) -- we all knew the original ending had TFW at the Roadhouse as framed and spoiled by 15.04 among other details, and the whole “heaven/mental bar” theme from DSOTM, Nihilism, and Last Call all amplified this as an inevitability--but when you ask about “hey, is there a bar in heaven?” and get a “no?” that tells you they don’t even understand *ancient* plot beats like the Roadhouse, much less the ramifications of what it’s supposed to entail. Oh look at that, the roadhouse was just in fucking heaven like we said, but you identified it as a “cabin” because of filming locations and your basic notes.

Corporate has very basic compliance demands. They expect X, Y, and Z. What X Y and Z are across different shows vary depending on their markets. As long as the authors operate within X Y and Z, the corporate face essentially works off of synopsis of pitches and ideas.

This is also why I’ve talked about queer writing history and people being careful what they call queerbait: you don’t know what their X Y and Z are. The WB for example does not really CARE about representation. I’ve blogged about this often. We’re dollar signs. If they can package a new product to market it explicitly as LGBTQ fare, then they’ll turn you into a revenue machine by feeding you that particular fodder. When it comes to legacy shows--which is funny, because when the suit went off in my DM about this, they used the exact same phrasing as me--they’re going to play it safe, especially if they don’t truly understand the returns from the demographics they’re observing.

The space between X Y and Z is where the authors have liberty to push and, the longer and harder they push, the louder the content is allowed to get.

Here! I’ll even quote them directly, somewhat truncated because they ranted for fucking PARAGRAPHS.

“In reference to the media landscape, on a corporate level we do not distinguish fandoms. [...] That said, legacy shows such at Arrow, Supernatural, and even Flash are relics and we never really endeavored to reinvent the wheel on a corporate level, we are more focused on shows that are newer and still in our pipeline to premiere. [...] As for social media like all businesses and brands the engagement itself is key, but the content of the engagement is mostly irrelevant, though every show does have certain keywords that are often used in conjunction with harsher interactions blacklisted.”

The funny part is, they thought they were preaching to me like this was new information, but those of you that have been around my blog will PROBABLY RECOGNIZE this is almost VERBATIM exactly what I have told everybody over the years. Enough I half-suspect some trolls out there will think i wrote it myself and made it up and lob that accusation around. But there’s about 50 people that watched this conversation as it unfolded.

If you guys get mad? You’re still giving them PR. If you engage the content? You’re giving them PR. If you guys get bitchy ENOUGH? They completely blacklist a certain kind of engagement. I have literally been telling you all of this for years.

They don’t care who you are or what you want, just if you’re watching and what they at-best roughly estimate your demographic as desiring. So for example, Supernatural reading as a largely non-urban white demographic in its viewership, especially with a heavier lean in red states than most shows on the network, they presume to cater to what they perceive that demographic wants, rather than individualizing the understanding of the content, because they do not distinguish the shows or fandoms. “Oh, heavier republican white non-urban demographic” is where their understanding ends at, which is why they’re going to be utterly mystified why even my trump-voting republican neighbor from rural Alabama looked at the end result and went “what the fuck?” -- they weren’t expecting a big gay confession, but they were expecting a different sort of final tone.

Of course they’re never going to take that on for themselves and go “wow, we’re giant blazing dumbasses that understand nothing about the show!” -- they’ll, for example, claim they don’t leave network notes, when they’re still the ones passing material along about demographics and expectations etc etc. Their notes are *basic*. They do not leave *extensive* notes. Because extensive notes require extensive understanding of the content.

So for example: Berens spent since S9 slowly gaying up our show. Since they do not pay attention to the fine details of the story contents (lol no bar in heaven lolololol just a cabin lololol), he never got a note to *stop*. But it was not within the original structure plans and didn’t technically fit the demographic notes. The show continued to get aggressively gayed up, and Berens never really signed a note like “hey, I’m gaying it the fuck up” so even fandom reporters were going “THERE’S NO INTENT THERE!!!!!” -- berens operated in his very basic X, Y, Z landmarks to expand content within a story the suits literally do not pay the fuck attention to.

Corporate’s understanding is basic: dudes stabbing monsters and brothers against the world. Play in that box and keep these demographic notes in mind. You’re good.

They’ll NEVER mention blacklisting issues directly beyond what they admitted in the above quote but I DO remind you I have ranted ON AND ON AND ON how much Destiel fandom shot themselves in the goddamn foot with a fucking bazooka with the Chad Kennedy incident years ago. Others like Emily handled it intelligently to inform the *authors*. No, the network will never tell you if they blacklisted Destiel, but I informed you pretty heavily years ago that odds are, yeah, they probably fucking blacklisted Destiel.

Add in paying attention to the things Berens himself liked (if you don’t believe, scroll to Nov 5 on his tl)

Like, listen. berens knows exactly what he did and did the best he could do in the situations that were set up for him. And, frankly, I had been talking about this season as a writer room rebellion all year--just like corporate DID leave them a note in S11 that they couldn’t kill god. But if they couldn’t kill him or cage him, they would find another way. In 17 we said goodbye to Meredith and, in a way, to a MAJOR portion of Dean’s substantial story. In 18, we said goodbye to Bobo, and frankly all the parts that grew into queer Castiel that came with it. 19 and 20 became residual notes of hitting expected plot beats on the head on a rhythm, tying off godforces, and then just sliding into the Dabb subversion of them having learned to grieve, let go, and process emotions-- just the surrounding delivery left the feeling of more ~wanting~ on that front which is understandable.

But these are the kind of things people don’t even ~think~ about. This is WHY I’ve turned myself into a bulletshield protecting Berens’ work for YEARS while people yelled about queerbait not understanding the years of process he used in his unbabysat space to make something unable to dodge.

More posts he liked:

This isn’t a solo story. At the same SDCC he leaned over to my friend and grinned, whispering, “I hope you like what I did this year.” -- he knew. He knew and he fought his ass off but there was an end of the line.

That end of the line having an extra note or two to drop in the finale--never a big gay confirmation, just a “everyone’s there together, assume what you want” --is its own thing. As it is, Jensen even remarked how much of his dialogue got cut in final draft out of 18, and if the brazil dubbing footage leak tells me anything, they got the raw version before it was cut. And before they ADR’ed Dean’s sniffling collapsed against the wall. They had everything right, beyond the fact that there was supposed to be more dialogue from Dean along the lines of, “You can’t go”, or “you can’t leave” (difficult to determine what a ESL person seeing an english draft then yelling in portuguese then translated back to english meant, specifically, but something in that ballpark -- just like “don’t do this” came as “no it’s not” through the translation pipeline), and other similar minor bartering about this. And we’re not even gonna get into Dean’s hilariously loudly ADRed sniffling on the wall. Here, Jensen, breathe IMMEDIATELY into this microphone.

But they’re never going to tell you this. Of course they’re not. 

Summarily, corporate had half a year of having to re-manage scheduling everybody’s flights and planners during covid rewrites to stare directly into the huge gay abyss and fuck things up. 

It’s all about the unmonitored space vs the monitored space. Of COURSE they’re never going to fucking tell you these things. 

FRANKLY I am DYING to see the Portuguese dub of the show to see what the fuck they do with it, all things considered. I’m pretty sure the suit in my inbox that’s trying to vagueblog around things sideways now never accounted for the fact that there’s copies of the raw available in some parts of the world. I’m... pretty sure they thought they were my only leak source in fact. 

Either way--it’s not that corporate micromanages and passes constant notes. It’s that they gloss over vague summaries and plans, drop a few base expectations and performance boxes. It’s up to the authors how to kick up dust inside those boxes. 

[gunmetal-ring]

*throwing a tantrum* Where is the update for Fifty Cents? 😭 I have been waiting like a woman in labor for several hours who just wants to hold her baby in her arms!

Hahahahahaha this is probably the oddest encouragement/compliment ive ever received on a fic, im honored

It's like 9/10 of the way written, im just stuck at one part that needs more careful attention than the rest of it. I promise its coming soon. Ish.

Sidenote can i just say this might actually be the most frustrating thing ive written. Long(ish) form fluff/levity without literally any angst is apparently my kryptonite. This might actually be the only pure fluff I'll write unless its like 3000 words or less bc its so fucking hard. Part of what i love about caryl is the angst - shared trauma history, mutual pining, escapism, weathering the storm together, etc. Esp bc the angst will pay off. I just know it. No matter how unsatisfying the payoff may be. They will go canon in 11c.

Also im finding its v hard to write longer-form fic without any smut. Im committed to keeping it teen rated but goddamn. Its so hard.

I'm also fully blaming the canceled spinoff/hiatus/shittiness of s11 so far for my total lack of motivation/inspiration. Not to mention my current hyperfixation on stranger things and yet another tragic/angsty ship that was fully unexpected yet semi sort of canon. Plus the fact that its totally doomed unless some imo extremely poor writing in s5 comes along. Gah. It hurts. It HURTS

Anyway sorry for the digression. An update is coming. May i suggest doing what my uncle did when my aunt was in day 2 of labor and running to get mcdonalds bc apparently the second he got in the drive thru lane things rly started to move along with my aunt lol