#but even that.... I'd experience that 10 times over again if it meant I didn't have to experience the emotional pain I have been traversing

[heartoflesh]

I want out of this pain... I want out of this mental torture that suppresses my mind. I've wanted to die. How do you medically induce amnesia?

The only thing worth going through this pain is the gain of heaven some day.

[fartfather]

Audience of One pt.3

Satoru x fem!reader x Suguru

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗

Word count: 6.5k

Series Summary: When Suguru first walked in on you and Satoru having sex, it was an accident. But he couldn't say the same about every time after that. He's under the impression that this habit of his is a secret. But you and Satoru have known this whole time and didn't plan on letting Suguru know anytime soon.

pt.3 Info: MDNI 18+, fem!reader, PiV sex, unprotected sex, voyeurism, threesome/throuple, cuck Gojo, hair pulling, morning sex, squirting, praise/degradation kink, spanking, begging, pet names (princess, baby, love, etc), established relationship w Gojo, aftercare, basically 90% porn 10% fluff, Gojo teaching Geto how to fuck you, Geto is no longer shy

pt.1 pt.2 pt.4

˚₊ · »-♡→ I know I said I'd post pt.3 yesterday, but I panicked and rewrote like half of it (oops lol). BUT- I'm much happier w this version 🛐

Also not sure if this would be a good place to end?? or if more parts would be wanted ¿ I would be more than happy to turn this into a series and I even have a pt.4 in the works, but I also don't want this to feel dragged on yk. Please lmk your thoughts because I am incapable of making my own decisions (ノ ° 益 °) ノ

Early hours of the morning came, and the first one awake was Geto. He looked down at you and his breath caught in his throat.

You looked so peaceful.

So angelic.

He couldn't help but press a soft kiss to your forehead.

His mind wandered to last night and he smiled. Everything was perfect. The feeling of your bare body was warm and inviting, and having you pressed against him sent sparks down his spine. Geto had never felt this way before.

He could get used to this.

"Hey," a sleepy voice whispered from beside him, startling him out of his trance.

Geto turned to see a very disheveled Gojo looking at him through half closed eyes, "Hey,"

Gojo’s attention shifted to your resting figure, still curled up against Geto's chest. He couldn't help the smirk that spread across his face.

"She's really out," he whispered with a small chuckle.

"Yeah," Geto replied, "we wore her out."

"Damn right we did," Gojo smiled proudly, "I'd like to see how long it takes to wear her out next time," Geto's eyebrows raised at the mention of a 'next time.'

Seeing the surprised expression, Gojo smiled and reached over, and landed a playful punch on Geto's shoulder, "I meant it when I said you're welcome anytime- In fact, I was thinking, would you want to do this again? Not just the sex, I mean, I that part too, but like, all of it. Hanging out and stuff," he clarified, a hint of embarrassment in his voice, “It just seems like there’s good chemistry between us,” he added trying to explain his reasoning with a gesture that circled the three of you.

Geto thought for a moment, contemplating his answer.

Last night was the best night of his life. And he didn't want it to end. He wanted to be able to feel your warmth against him again and again. To be able to see your beauty, and to experience all the joy and happiness that came along with it.

The events of last night unlocked something deep within him. His desires had surpassed mere lust, and turned into something more. Something deeper.

Something genuine.

And with that revelation, Geto decided to take a leap of faith. "I'd like that," he replied, a bit of nervous enthusiasm coming out in his tone.

Smirking, Gojo nodded and moved to brush stray pieces of hair out of your sleeping face. "Great. Well, I guess we'll have to have a real conversation about this once she's up," he nodded down at you, "but for now, we should probably get some more sleep."

"Yeah," Geto nodded, a smile creeping onto his lips.

With that, the two men fell back into a comfortable slumber, their arms gently wrapped around you.

⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ ⠂⠄⠄⠂☆

A few hours later your eyes began to flutter open, thick with blurriness from the heavy sleep you were just in.

Once your vision cleared, you were met with the sight of Gojo's sleeping figure beside you. His hair was a mess, sticking out in every direction. The sunlight was peeking through the curtains, casting a glow on his bare skin.

Turning to your left, Geto lay fast asleep. His features were relaxed, and his mouth hung slightly open. You couldn't help but admire his beauty.

You couldn't believe how lucky you were. Laying between these gods that walked among men.

You didn't want this moment to end.

Lifting yourself slightly to yawn and stretch, you accidentally hit Geto in the face, waking him. "Oops- I’m so sorry!" you giggled and flashed him an apologetic smile.

"It’s okay, beautiful," seemingly unphased by your elbow making contact his forehead, he smiled, leaning down to press a kiss on your cheek, “Good morning,”

The gesture was unexpectedly warm and sweet. Not that Geto had never been sweet to you before, but this just felt… different. Like it carried a new weight behind it.

You smiled and leaned into the kiss, "Morning," you murmured back, your voice still laced with sleep.

Geto's heart skipped a beat at the sight of your smile. He just couldn’t get over the warmth you radiated.

You felt a hand slide up your side and rest on your waist. "And what about me?" Gojo pouted.

Turning to face him you placed a soft kiss on his lips and mumbled into it, "Hello, baby," He hummed in satisfaction and scooted in closer, not wanting to leave even the slightest gap between you.

“How did you sleep?” Geto asked while massaging your neck that was tense after the events of last night.

"Mmm, so good," you replied, letting out a small sigh as the tension left your shoulders. You could practically feel the aches melting and your muscles turning to malleable putty under his touch.

"I'm glad," he smiled, continuing to rub his thumb into the knots of your skin.

"And you?" You asked, turning to look at him.

"Wonderfully," he smiled, his hands not stopping their massage. You couldn't help the way your cheeks heated up from this simple interaction.

God, his man was truly a treasure.

Gojo watched the interaction and felt a warmth spread through his chest. He liked seeing that you brought out Geto's soft side, and he knew that you enjoyed it too. The three of you stayed like that for a few minutes, silently enjoying each other's company.

Then, Gojo let out a dramatic sigh, and broke the silence.

"Hey, so," he started, looking between you and his friend, "Suguru and I talked earlier," Your brow furrowed at the tone in his voice. He sounded nervous.

Perking up, you raised a brow at him, "Oh?" You questioned.

"Mhm, we had a very productive conversation," Gojo continued, "while you were asleep," he clarified, "and, we think that, well, we- um, the three of us should hang out. Like, outside of sex. Or during. Or after. I mean- not like a requirement, just an option, if you're comfortable," he rambled.

You blinked.

Your face twisted with confusion as you tried to process his words. "Toru, what are you talking about?" you questioned, needing clarification.

"I want to date you too," Geto cut to the chase, his voice surprisingly steady and confident, "you would be with both of us. At the same time."

You stared at him.

Your brain was blank.

You breathed out a surprised, "Oh," The thought of it was interesting and foreign, though, not unwelcome.

"Only if you're comfortable with it," Gojo quickly added, "we know it's a bit... unconventional."

"A bit?" you asked sarcastically with a small laugh.

Gojo laughed and nodded, "Okay, a lot," he admitted, "but, we talked, and we agree. We want this," he said, motioning between the three of you, "Geto has clearly developed something for you, and vice versa. And I figured what better solution than adding Suguru to our relationship?"

You sat in silence for a few moments, mulling over the situation.

"It wouldn't be weird to you?" you asked Gojo with a concerned expression, "sharing me with your best friend?"

"Not if it's Suguru," he replied without hesitation, "we know each other well, and I trust him with my life. Plus- if it was, I would have never been able to enjoy the sight of my best friend eating out the woman I love, right?" he added with a teasing smirk, referencing the events of last night.

Your eyes widened and your cheeks flushed with embarrassment, "Satoru!" you scolded.

Gojo laughed and pulled you in for a quick kiss. "It's true," he whispered against your lips.

Turning to Geto, you gave him a questioning glance, "And you're okay with this?" you asked, wanting to make sure he was certain.

"Yes," he answered without a moment of hesitation.

"You would really want this?" you questioned, "It wouldn't be weird for you?"

Geto let out a chuckle, "I wouldn't be offering if it was weird for me. I'm not going to lie, it's a little unconventional," he stated, "but, I would love the chance to be with you- even if it's not the traditional way," his confession caused a wave of butterflies to erupt in your stomach.

You thought for some time. The two men waited patiently, knowing that you would need a few minutes to process everything.

Assessments of the situation swirled in your mind. You loved Gojo and the life you had with him. And you wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. But they both seemed so certain. They said they trusted each other, and if that was the case then why shouldn't you?

And on top of that, you couldn’t deny how Geto made you feel. Last night was clearly more than a one time deal. It was deeper than just sex, it was intimate. The way he touched you and admired you all night had chills running down your spine from just thinking about it.

The more you thought about it, the more appealing the idea became.

Being able to be with both of them was a dream come true. They were both kind, generous, and made you feel like the most precious thing in the world.

"If you aren't comfortable with this-" Gojo began, but was quickly cut off.

"I want to," you said quietly, "but what if something goes wrong?"

Gojo and Geto exchanged a quick look and burst out laughing.

That was certainly not the response you were expecting when airing your worries. "What's so funny?!" You asked, a bit irritated that they were laughing at your valid concerns.

"Baby," Gojo chuckled, "have you not seen the shit we've been through together? We'll be fine.”

Crossing your arms in defense you Looked between the two of them, "But still- What if you guys get jealous, or something goes wrong and we stop talking, or- or-"

Pressing a finger to your lips, Gojo silenced your anxious ramblings, "Shh, baby," he whispered sweetly with a reassuring smile, "We've got each other's backs. Plus, I'll kick Suguru's ass if he makes you upset," he joked.

Geto laughed and nodded, "I'd do the same," he added, causing a small giggle to slip past your lips.

You gave them an unsure smile, "I know you say that nothing will happen, but what if something does?" you countered, looking between them for an answer.

Gojo took your hands in his and looked you dead in the eyes. "Nothing will go wrong," he said, his voice now serious and full of promise.

"I'll make sure of it," he stated, a fire in his eyes, "Suguru will too."

A heavy sigh escaped your lips and you turned to Geto with a silent question in your eyes. "I'm not gonna let either of us fuck this up," he affirmed, reading the concern behind your gaze.

"We want to make this work," Gojo added, "And besides, do you really think I would put the best pussy of my life at risk?" He squeezed your side, making you let out a giggle.

You gave him a playful shove, "Shut up, idiot,"

"It's true!" He laughed and caught your wrist, pulling you in and placing a kiss on your temple.

"He's right though," Geto smirked, "last night was the best experience of my life. And that’s saying a lot considering I didn’t even fuck you."

Your cheeks heated and you let out a flustered laugh, "So you're in this for the sex, is that what I'm hearing?" you teased, poking Geto in the ribs.

He caught your hand and pulled it to his lips, planting a kiss on your knuckles. "No, sweet girl, its more than that." he said, looking down at you with a tender smile, "I'm in this for you- you know that."

The way his tone softened and his eyes gleamed was enough to make you melt.

And without wasting another moment you looked between the two men and nodded, "I'm in," you stated confidently, "if the two of you are."

Both their faces lit up at your confirmation, and the smile on their faces was bright enough to blind a person.

"Hell yeah!" Gojo cheered and wrapped his arms around you, "we're gonna make this work," he said, placing kisses all over your face. Geto smiled and joined, littering kisses down your neck.

And just like that all previous worries were melted away from the tingles that rippled across your skin after each new kiss. You giggled and melted into both sets of arms that caressed and embraced you gently.

Slowly, their sweet kisses began to get more rough. More hungry.

The way their hands roamed your body and their lips nipped at your flesh sent a spark of excitement through you.

"You're gonna be all ours, aren't you, princess?" Gojo purred into your ear.

A small whimper slipped past your lips as his breath fanned your neck, sending a shiver down your spine. "Mhm," you hummed, your eyes becoming heavy with lust.

Geto's fingers traced your collarbones, moving further down and stopping just above your breast.

"And I'm gonna take such good care of you, give you everything you want," Geto promised, "you're mine too now."

His possessive words sent a jolt of heat straight to your cunt and you arched into his touch.

"Yours," you mumbled, too drunk off their affection to register what was being said.

They both let out satisfied hums.

Gojo's hands slid down your body, his fingertips grazing your nipples, before resting on your waist. "Our perfect girl," Gojo murmured and pressed a kiss to your shoulder, "you're so beautiful."

Geto's fingers dipped down into your cleavage, squeezing your breasts gently, and his lips found yours. "So obedient," he mumbled into the kiss.

You whimpered against his lips. The feeling of their hands all over your body and their praises filling your ears was intoxicating.

"Mm, fuck," Gojo groaned, grinding his erection on your ass.

Gasping into the kiss, your eyes widened and turned to him "Satoru," you whined.

"Shh, Princess," he shushed, his hands gripping your waist, "be a good girl and keep kissing Suguru while I play with you,"

Your breath hitched, but you nodded and turned back to Geto, who was looking at you with a dark lust in his eyes. And instantly, Geto's warm lips were back on yours. They felt soft and plump, like velvet pillows, and you couldn't help but melt into the sensation.

"Good girl," Gojo praised, his hands moving further down your body.

You whimpered when his hands came into contact with the bare skin of your thighs, his touch sending chills through your body.

Gojo leaned down and planted a kiss on your shoulder, then continued peppering kisses along the sensitive skin of your neck, "We're gonna keep you nice and happy, baby," Gojo promised, the vertebration of the words on your neck tickling you lightly.

Your mind was blank. All you could do was moan and let them explore your body. Geto's tongue was slowly swirling around your own. His movements were slow and gentle, taking the time to savor the feeling.

Rocking into Geto's thigh, you chased the pressure, hoping it would satiate the throbbing in your cunt.

Geto's grip tightened on your tits and he pulled back slightly, just enough to break the kiss and allow a string of spit to hang between your mouths. "This desperate already?" he smirked, his thumbs rubbing circles into the hard buds of your nipples.

"Always," Gojo smirked, "she's such a needy little slut,"

You whined and rolled your hips, the need between your thighs growing more apparent with every passing moment.

Geto's eyes flicked down to your mouth, which was parted and breathing heavier, then back up to your eyes. The sight made his cock twitch, and his gaze darkened, "Fuck, that's so hot," Geto groaned, his dick already hard. His hands moved downward to your hips, gripping to hold you still, "Be patient for us, princess."

Gojo continued his kisses along the length of your neck, his lips brushing against your skin, sending goosebumps up your arms. "She loves hearing us praise her," Gojo smirked, "she's always so desperate for any sort of validation. Drives her wild,"

The truth in his words made you whine and looked at Geto, who was staring down at you with lust-filled eyes. "Is that so?" He asked, his hands moving to cup your face.

"Yes," you breathed, leaning into his touch.

His attention turned back to Gojo, "And does she like to be degraded too?" He asked, curious, but already knew the answer.

Gojo opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off from a whimper that escaped your lips. You bit your lip, cheeks flushing with embarrassment as you avoided their eye contact.

A mischievous smirk formed on Geto's lips, "Oh?" He tilted your chin up and looked down at you, "Look at me," he demanded.

You did as instructed, your heart skipping a beat when you met his gaze.

"Tell me," he began, his thumb running over your bottom lip, "do you like being treated like a little slut?"

His question caused a rush of heat to run through your body. You could hear the blood rushing in your ears, and you could swear that your arousal was now dripping onto the sheets beneath you.

Gojo couldn't help the chuckle that slipped past his lips. Your obvious reaction to Geto's words was adorable.

"I'll take that as a yes," Geto smirked, his eyes not leaving yours as he pushed his thumb past your lips. "Although, I guess I shouldn't expect anything more from the dirty slut who would let me watch her boyfriend fuck her for months."

The humiliation that coursed through you was overwhelming, and yet, you felt more aroused than ever before. You closed your eyes and took Geto's thumb into your mouth, swirling your tongue around the digit and letting out a moan.

You were helpless to the words coming from Geto's mouth, and there was nothing you wanted more than to be completely submissive to him. It was clear to them that this new way that Geto spoke to you was making you dizzy with lust.

"Oh, you like how Suguru is talking to you right now, don’t you, princess?" Gojo smirked, watching your reactions, "He's always so polite, so gentle with you. It's a nice change, huh? Seeing him be a little mean."

You nodded and moaned around Geto's thumb, which was still resting on your tongue.

Gojo was right, you did enjoy the new change. The way Geto looked down at you with a dark glint in his eyes, his usually sweet and caring demeanor nowhere to be seen, was driving you crazy. You wanted nothing more than to be dominated by him.

To be completely and utterly destroyed by him.

"What do you think, princess? Should we have Suguru fuck you? Let him see what a dirty, slutty, cum dump, you are firsthand?" Gojo cooed, his hands roaming up and down your thighs.

You whined, and Geto withdrew his thumb, a string of saliva still connecting it to your lips. "Is that what you want?"

”Please," you begged with an embarrassing urgency, "please, please, please, let him fuck me." you turned to Gojo, who was already beginning to stroke his cock with his free hand.

"Please," you repeated, looking up at Geto with a pleading expression, "I need it, please."

"Oh, you need it, do you?" Geto cooed, "Such a pathetic little slut, begging for my cock, and you don't even know how good I can fuck you," he teased, looking down at you with a patronizing smirk.

You whimpered and looked up at him, desperation clear on your face, "Show me," you begged, "please, show me how good you can fuck me."

The corner of his mouth lifted into a smirk, "Well, since you're asking so nicely," he said, "Get on your back. Now." His demanding voice took you by surprise and you immediately followed his instructions.

You untangled your legs from his and laid back, looking up at him with wide, innocent, eyes.

"Good girl," Gojo praised, sitting beside you. He pushed your legs apart and dipped his fingers between your folds. He rubbed his hand sloppily, for his pleasure only, the goal being to collect your juices. Then, he brought it to his dick, using it to help his jerk off.

"So wet," he said, pumping his dick with your slick.

"Toru," you pleaded, arching into his touch that was no longer there.

"Shh, just sit back and let me watch Suguru fuck you, princess," Gojo soothed, his thumb running circles around his slit, mixing your wetness with his pre-cum.

The room felt like it was spinning around you, and the only thing grounding you was getting touched in the place you needed it most.

Geto positioned himself between your legs and placed his cock on your clit. You could feel the hot, throbbing, length rest on your sensitive bud and it made you shudder.

Geto's hand gripped your thigh and he spread you wider, taking in the sight before him. "God, I'm never going to get tired of that view," Geto sighed.

"Just wait until you're in her," Gojo smirked, admiring your glistening slick rub onto Geto's shaft.

He let out a hum and slid his cock between your folds, coating his dick in your wetness. You moaned, your breath hitching as the head brushed against your entrance.

Seeing how needy you were getting, Gojo moved his free hand down and spread your lips, exposing your dripping hole for Geto's viewing.

"So pretty," Geto praised, his tip prodding at your entrance.

You were soaking wet and more than ready for him, and when he slowly pushed in, a loud groan ripped through his throat as he inched deeper into your warmth.

"Oh, god, so tight," he praised, his hips pausing halfway to give you time to adjust, "so perfect."

Your hands balled into fists and you moaned loudly, the feeling of him filling you up was so overwhelming, but in the best way possible.

"Isn't she?" Gojo asked, leaning in to press kisses against your neck, "you're perfect, aren't you? The perfect little fuck toy for us, and us only- Say it."

As he continued to slowly slide in, Geto kept his eyes trained on yours, not wanting to miss a second of your reactions.

Heat rose to your cheeks under his gaze, embarrassment evident in your expression. "I- I'm," you stuttered, a small whine slipping past your lips before you could get the words out.

"Use your words," Geto commanded through clenched teeth, his grip on your thighs tightening as your cunt pulsed around him.

You whimpered and nodded, trying to collect yourself. "I- I'm a perfect fuck toy," you choked out, a mixture of craving and shame washing over you, "yours- just for the two of you,"

"Fuck- Yes, you are," Geto praised, bottoming out and giving you a few moments to adjust. You whined and clenched around him, feeling fuller than ever before.

After your muscles relaxed, you rocked lightly against Geto's cock, to show you were ready for him. Though, just that small movement had you seeing stars as his tip hit your g-spot.

Your mouth opened in a silent scream and your nails dug into the sheets, gripping tightly.

"Oh, did I find it already?" he asked patronizingly, his voice laced with sarcasm, "You must be so sensitive," You could do nothing but whimper and nod, not being able to form words.

"Fuck, do that again," Geto demanded.

You followed his instructions and rocked against him, moaning at the sensation. "Holy shit," Geto gasped, his eyes rolling back as you squeezed his cock.

Gojo watched with wide eyes, his hand slowly stroking his cock as he watched the scene unfold before him. "How does she feel?" Gojo asked with a chuckle. He already knew the answer.

Geto moaned, slowly starting to roll his hips, "Fucking heavenly," You felt a wave of satisfaction wash over you, knowing that Geto was enjoying your pussy just as much as you enjoyed his dick.

"So warm and tight," he added, picking up his pace, "I could fuck her all day,"

"Please," you whimpered, "fuck me all day,"

A satisfied smile crossed Geto's face, and without a word, he started to thrust into you at a steady pace. You gasped, feeling his cock fill you up with each push. Your walls tightened around him, trying to pull him deeper.

"Fuck," Geto groaned, "Such a greedy fucking pussy, doesn't want to let me go."

You whimpered and wrapped your legs around him, pulling him closer. His hands grabbed onto your waist and his fingers dug into the plush flesh. The room filled with the sounds of skin slapping against skin, and your moans and whimpers grew louder and louder.

"Mm, look at her," Gojo cooed, "she's so fucking desperate."

"Mhm" you breathed out nodding and looking up at Geto, who was watching your every move. He looked absolutely breathtaking. His hair was a mess, his face was flushed, and his eyes were filled with desire. The sight of him looking down at you like that made your heartbeat quicken.

"You love having my cock buried deep inside of you, don't you?" he asked.

You nodded vigorously, unable to form any words, but the way your hips met his every thrust and the sounds that came out of you told him all he needed to know.

"Oh?" Geto smirked, "You need more? Fucking impatient little slut- You need me to fuck you harder?"

"Yes, please, please, please," you begged, your head falling back against the pillow.

"Such a good girl," he praised, his hand moving to rest on your lower stomach, "such a polite little whore for my cock."

He pushed lightly onto your abdomen while fucking deep into you. The pressure from his hand was foreign and had you squirming and whimpering, biting your lip to hold in your cries of pleasure.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, there! There!" You screamed, "Please, don't stop!"

Geto smirked and leaned forward, "Look at me," he demanded, his voice firm.

Your eyes shot open, not even realizing they had been closed. You stared up at him and his lust filled eyes, a look you had never seen before on his face. The sight made you instantly moan and your eyes began to roll back involuntarily.

"Keep your eyes on me," he commanded, emphasizing each word with a hard thrust.

Your jaw fell slack, and a strangled moan slipped past your lips as pleasure coursed through your veins. "S- sorry," you stuttered.

Gojo groaned and his fist picked up pace, jerking his dick in tandem with Geto's movements. "It's okay, baby, you're doing so good," he whispered, leaning forward and brushing the hair out of your face, "so good for us."

Geto's pace continued and the heat in the pit of your stomach began to build dangerously fast. "Fuck, Sugu- I- I-" you stuttered, struggling to form a coherent sentence.

"You're so close already, aren't you?" He cooed, his eyes not leaving yours.

You nodded, and a loud whine slipped past your lips as Geto's hips started to pick up speed. "Fuck," he groaned, "fuck, you're squeezing me so good, baby,"

"Gonna- Gonna cum," you managed to say through heavy breaths and muffled moans.

In response, the hand on your stomach pushed slightly deeper, and that's what threw you over the edge. The pressure had your toes curling and your back arching upwards followed by a strangled scream on your lips as you came hard.

Your vision went white, and a ringing filled your ears.

"Oh, fuck," Gojo groaned, watching your legs shake and your face display your ecstasy.

"Shit," Geto groaned, "keep cumming for me, baby, just like that- fuck!"

Gojo smirked and leaned back, admiring his two lovers. "God, the two of you are so fucking hot," he said, his hand working furiously to match the pace that Geto was now setting.

You could barely register what he said, too overwhelmed by the waves of pleasure crashing through your body. The warmth from deep in your core had overflowed, somehow finding its release- and soaking everything around you in the process.

Geto moaned loudly and looked down at your pussy, Gojo eyes followed, widening and jaw dropping.

"Holy shit," Gojo breathed out, "She's squirting," he said in awe, "fuck- I didn't even know she could do that."

Your juices were flowing freely, coating Geto's cock, balls, and the bed beneath you in a thick layer. It was as if a flood gate had opened and your arousal was pouring out of you.

"Oh, god, oh, god," Geto repeated, "you're squirting on my cock," he groaned and picked up his pace, fucking you through your orgasm, "so good, fuck- So fucking perfect."

Your mind was blank, all you could do was babble and moan, letting Geto fuck you as you rode out the last waves of your orgasm.

"Fuck," Geto growled, his hips began to stutter. "Go on, Suguru," Gojo urged, nearing his own climax, "cum in her."

Geto looked down at you, the glazed over expression on your face was enough to send him over the edge. With a final thrust he bottomed out and painted your walls with his seed, the sensation pulling a long moan from both of your lips.

You could feel his warmth spill into you, filling you up and coating your walls, and causing a brain numbing tingle to run up your spine.

Gojo wasn't far behind, his own cum coating his hand and abdomen. He pumped his shaft as the last few drops landed on his stomach. "Holy shit," he breathed out, leaning back and letting the orgasm wash over him.

"Fuck," Geto groaned, his head dropping to the crook of your neck. Both of you were completely spent, not even bothering to move or say a word. The only sounds in the room were the heavy breathing and racing heartbeats.

You could feel Geto's warm breath against your skin as he took a few deep breaths. You brought a hand up and gently ran it through his hair, scratching his scalp lightly.

The gesture was simple, but it made his heart melt, grounding him from the high he just experienced.

"That was fucking hot," Gojo praised, "You're both so fucking sexy. I loved seeing you two together."

"So good, my beautiful, perfect, angel," he continued, placing kisses on your forehead and cheek, "you did so well,"

You turned to him and smiled lazily, enjoying the praise. Geto looked up and admired your blissed out expression. "You look so pretty like this, sweetheart," he murmured, pressing a kiss to your cheek, "so gorgeous."

You leaned into his touch and hummed, your eyes fluttering, half lidded in tranquility.

Gojo chuckled and placed a kiss on your temple, "Don't get too comfortable, princess, we still need to clean up."

"I'm not leaving this bed," you mumbled, closing your eyes completely and nuzzling into the pillow.

"You're so spoiled," he chuckled and turned to his friend, "Help me out here, man."

"Sorry, baby," Geto apologized, kissing your nose, "he's right, we need to get you cleaned up," You groaned and nodded, accepting defeat. Geto slowly pulled out and stood up.

"Come here, my sweet, precious, girl," Gojo said, lifting you off the bed, bridal style, "Let's go take care of you."

You giggled and wrapped your arms around his neck. "M'kay," you replied, resting your head on his chest. Gojo carried you into the bathroom, and Geto followed closely behind. He sat you down on the toilet and you leaned against the wall, closing your eyes.

Once Geto entered, he turned on the bath faucet and waited for the water to warm.

"Do you wanna use a bath bomb, princess?" Gojo offered, reaching into the cabinet under the sink. "Ooh yes, please," you nodded opening your eyes with a tired smile on your lips.

A bright grin spread across Gojo's face from seeing you perk up, "Okay!" He exclaimed, grabbing one of your favorites and tossing it into the bath.

The sweet smell of citrus quickly filled the air, and the sight of the bubble bath and colorful fizzies had you feeling relaxed like never before.

Geto shut the water off and walked over to you. He knelt down and cupped your cheek, his thumb running over the soft skin. "How are you feeling, sweet girl?" He asked, a small smile on his lips.

You hummed and leaned into his touch, "Amazing," you replied.

He chuckled and kissed your forehead, "Good."

After all of the residue made its way out of you, you cleaned up and Gojo lifted you into the bath. He settled in behind you, wrapping his arms around you, and pulling you back to his chest.

"Is the temperature okay, princess?" Geto asked, sitting in the opposite side of the tub.

You hummed, closing your eyes and resting your head on Gojo's chest. "Perfect,"

"Good, we want you to be comfortable," Geto said, smiling.

"Thank you," you mumbled, snuggling into Gojo's chest.

It was a little crammed and you guys probably should have showered beforehand, but in that moment it was perfect and everything you could ever need.

The three of you had become comfortable and content.

As if that's how things had always been

Gojo was playing with the bubbles and making shapes with them on top of your head, while Geto was helping to wash the sweat off of your skin, his fingertips running gently along the curves of your body.

It felt so normal and domestic, and that's exactly what you had always wanted.

"So, how does this feel?" Gojo asked, reaching behind him to grab a loofah, "Is it weird? Being the meat in a Gojo and Geto sandwich?"

You choked on your breath and your eyes shot open, "Ew! It wasn't weird until you said that! Gross," you said, giggling and shaking your head.

"Yeah, Satoru, why'd you have to word it like that?" Geto asked, chuckling and chastising his friend.

"Oh, come on, don't be like that. It was funny!" Gojo laughed, running the loofah across your back, "Now answer the question."

"No, it doesn't feel weird," you replied, a smile on your lips, "I mean, yeah, we haven't done a lot yet, but I'm happy, and I like being with both of you."

"Yeah," Gojo agreed, "it's different, obviously, but, I'm glad it's the three of us. I love the dynamic, it feels like... home. Like the three of us were always meant to be together. Me and my two favorite people!" He threw his arms around your neck, his hands falling just above your chest.

You looked at Geto and he had the most genuine, loving smile on his face. "I couldn't agree more," he said, reaching out to take your hand in his. His hand was warm and comforting, and the way his thumb was rubbing circles into the skin had a warm tingle running up your arm.

Gojo was right, it did feel like home.

A warm, safe, comforting, home.

It was a strange situation, one that you never would have imagined yourself in. But at the same time you knew that the three of you would be able to make it work.

The three of you stayed in the bath for a little while longer, laughing, teasing, and joking, and eventually Gojo and Geto switched places. When the water began to get cold and the bubbles began to disappear, Gojo lifted you out of the bath and brought you back to the bed.

He gently laid you down and dried you off, pressing kisses all over your skin.

Geto emerged from the bathroom and watched the two of you. He could see how much Gojo cared for you, and how you trusted and loved him. It was a sight that made his heart flutter and he could only hope to have that deep of a connection with you one day.

"You're so cute," Gojo cooed, placing the towel over your head and rubbing it gently.

"Toru," you whined, the feeling tickling your scalp, "you're going to make my hair frizzy!"

"Shhh, let me enjoy this," he chuckled, moving the towel and planting a kiss on your forehead, "I love taking care of you, and seeing you so relaxed. Plus, I think your hair is adorable no matter what, and I know Sugu does too,"

Turning to Geto in the doorway, you pouted and tilted your head to Gojo, "Help me out here," you pleaded.

Geto couldn't help but smile. "He's right, sweet girl," he chuckled, walking towards the bed, "I think your hair is gorgeous no matter what," He pulled you into his chest for an embrace, but then scruffled your hair, catching you off guard.

"Hey!" You yelped, pulling away from him and trying to flatten your hair, "not you too!"

They both let out a laugh. "Sorry, baby," Geto apologized, leaning forward and pressing a kiss on the crown of your head.

"Traitor," you mumbled, earning a chuckle from Gojo and Geto.

"I'm gonna get dressed, I'll be right back," Geto said, reluctantly pulling away from the scene, "then, how about I make us a late breakfast?" You nodded and gave him a small smile.

"I knew there was a good reason to keep you around," Gojo teased, earning a slap on the shoulder from Geto before he walked off, "Ouch! Hey!"

Laughing you shook your head at Gojo's dramatic performance of pretending to be hurt by rubbing his shoulder, "I'm so wounded," he joked, flopping onto the bed beside you, "you're gonna have to kiss it better," he winked with a smirk.

"Maybe later," you giggled, giving him a peck on the cheek.

"Fine, fine," he scoffed, rolling his eyes and sitting up.

He smiled as he jumped off the bed and threw on a pair of sweatpants, "Come on, baby," he said, holding a hand out for you, "I'll pick out an outfit for you." You happily accepted and followed him over to your dresser, ready to start your day.

[thebibliosphere]

So, I've been getting a few "hey, so now you're fixed, you're going to write books faster now, right?" type messages, and hmmm. That's a loaded word right there. "Fixed."

Yeah, not too keen on that word.

What I assume these people mean to do is congratulate me on finding out a major cause of distress and illness in my life and offer well wishes for my continued relief and recovery. I assume that's what was really meant. But just to entertain the first part of that ask, no, I am not "fixed."

There is no "fixing" the kind of chronic illness or disabilities I have. My ailments are genetic and lifelong, and if you're new here, newly diagnosed at the start of the pandemic, so my treatment thus far has been limited. Most of it is things I have pieced together myself.

That I've been able to do anything over the last year when I suffered 215+ migraine days on top of the connective tissue disorder I have, and the other condition that causes spontaneous anaphylaxis--not to mention the unmedicated ADHD I cannot treat with meds (yet)--is nothing short of miraculous.

So, now that my migraines are improving thanks to finding out I have binocular vision disorder on top of all the other stuff, will I be writing books faster?

I can only hope so.

But I also cannot say, "yes, absolutely, one book a year from here on out," because I just do not have the physical and mental capacity to guarantee that. Nor am I going to inflict that kind of mental and physical torture on myself (again) because it's the exact kind of thing that causes my health to crash and burn. And here's the thing:

Every time I burn myself out. Every time I push myself too far to keep up, it takes longer and longer to recover. The harder I push myself, the fewer books I will produce. That's the truth of it.

So I get it, it's frustrating. You want more of the fun thing (and thank you so much for loving what I do!), but you'll have to bear with me a little bit longer.

I am finding my stride as a multiply disabled creator, and I've spent the last two years untangling the guilt and imposter syndrome I experience over being "popular" but not being well enough to produce work at the same pace as everyone else around me.

I have worked out a system that I hope will be sustainable instead of leading to the continuous cycle of burnout I was trapped in for 10+ years as an editor. I have safety nets and supports in place that I didn't have before, and hopefully, those will help too. Time will tell.

Am I excited to get back to work? Absolutely. I'm ecstatic at the prospect of having fewer migraine days and more coherent brain days. But I'm also going to take my time to enjoy the process as well. I'd like to enjoy the things I write too. And I hope you can appreciate that.

So thank you for understanding, and for your patience. If you decide you can't wait, I'll understand. But please don't send authors, even able-bodied, neurotypical ones, messages like that. It's unkind. And I don't think any of you mean to be unkind.

[jesswritesthat]

Bokuto Kōtarō: Misunderstanding

Fandom: Haikyuu!! — [ Masterlist ]

Summary: ~1.5k, fluff

• Bokuto likes you, but gets the completely the wrong idea. You’re fine being friends though, right? A MSBY beach training session will sort that out.

Warnings: None

>>>>——————————>

Being surrounded by rowdy division 1 volleyball players wasn't how you expected it to be, you'd expected their level of professionalism to be carried over into their everyday lives - but this was not the case. Gladly so, honestly.

They were chaotic and mischievous, oblivious and loving, with a shenanigan never too far away. This was especially true for Bokuto, the wing Spiker who you'd become undeniably close with.

It was no secret he'd felt the same, always greeting you first and walking you home if you remained after his false promises of 'one more'.

MSBY could see it plain as day, though Bokuto had insisted you were only one of his best friends, there was a growing attraction imbued to his actions. How his gaze softened upon seeing you, how he'd memorised your boundaries so he could utilise physical contact, and how he'd effortlessly fit into your everyday life.

The teasing of his current teammates was swiftly dismissed as a joke however, when he received a visit from a particular nutritionist that seemed to shatter everyones' perceptions. Yukippe and Bokuto spent the entire visit by one another's side leaving you all to simply get on with your respective jobs.

"So you're pretty close with them huh?"

Shirofuku Yukie observed, the former manager of Fukurōdani - a team Bokuto truly cherished and would enthusiastically talk to you about late into the night and then profusely apologise for keeping you out so late whilst walking you home or preparing his bed for you to crash in. Yet every time, the love never faded.

It meant Yukie, like the rest of the team, was special to him.

"Didn't you hear me tell you the last 10 times Yukippe? We're not together, only friends and that's it - right (Y/n)?" He'd called after you for support when you'd walked past, yourself heaving a dejected sigh when answering and leaving the room.

"Platonic with a capital P."

The nutritionist seemed a little deflated by your deadpan response and lack of flustering to her claims as you disappeared through the gym doors, having hoped you'd felt the same attraction as her old Ace clearly did to you.

"Friends don't... you don't look at your friends like that Kōtarō. Not once did you ever look at Fukurōdani like that." Yukie pleadingly justified, both former Fukurōdani members outcast from the speculation regarding them.

"I know... but I can't help it." Bokuto hummed hopelessly, the truth making his emotions even more jarring. "I'd date them in a heartbeat, honestly."

"Then why don't you birdbrain?"

"Eh?! Because I can't! They're just not into... I mean they prefer..." He froze again, this time due to his uncertainty about your sexuality being public knowledge - you'd scolded him on not thinking before he speaks multiple times, and this was one of those times. "They're... just a friend."

———

It was the day you dreaded, the MSBY Jackals had decided to head out to the beach to try an unorthodox form of training recommended by Hinata. The man had experience as a beach volleyball player and suggested playing on sand had increased both his power and balance for on court matches also.

So here you stood, watching a bunch of physically fit pro athletes in swimwear play varying matches of beach volleyball. You'd crafted a necessary regime though and prepared everything required, and it seemed your team were surprised by your less formal appearance (as you're fairly certain this trip wasn't entirely for training purposes considering they'd reserved a chunk of their schedule for swimming and such).

As expected they'd garnered a fair bit of admiration but you remained oblivious to the attention you were getting, even if the team were protectively aware. All the more amusing when Bokuto noticed it too, overhearing a nearby strangers comment along the lines of "...really hot, I'll try to talk to them when they’re finished talking and I get the chance." directed toward you.

It was no surprise (to the team) when their loud mouth decided to make an overly showy entrance.

"Then we can work on— argh the hell?" You pulled the MSBY track jacket from your head, revealing a bemused team and happy-go-lucky Bokuto walking backwards presenting himself with arms wide.

"Don't want you damaging your skin in the sun!" A double thumbs up and cheesy grin was sent your way courtesy of the spiker much to your chagrin. Is this how that Akaashi guy felt catching jackets all the time?

Regardless you put it on, resuming your informative update and even when you were done, you missed the unanimous smirks of the team due to no interruptions despite having the chance.

MSBY had taken a brief break in the sea / sunbathing and to your expectancy there was a commotion in the water, having used your hand as shade to see you immediately regretted doing so. Kōtarō had stepped out of the ocean, muscles dripping and hair unfairly framing his face with a bright grin on his features. You hated this job, you hated this job, god dammit why?! Naturally he was greeted by two beautiful women and you're certain they'd complimented him and asked a question but he strolled right past them - only then did you realise his gaze was locked on you.

In a second a finger gently lifted your chin and you were met with the most beautiful sight you'd ever seen in your life, the sunlight highlighting his skin only disabling your thoughts further.

"Hey hey hey! What are you staring at (Y/n)? You zoned out."

"Uh— I, breathtaking..." You'd breathed it in way that caught Kōtarō off guard, amber irises analytically scanning your eyes, then lips, prior to turning to the horizon which snapped you back to reality.

"Yeah it is an incredible view huh?" He'd moved to stand by your side now, hands proudly on his hips.

"Yeah the view." A pause, then a glare. "Kōtarō those women...!"

"He really doesn't have eyes for anyone else does he?" Hinata chuckled, watching the scene unfold alongside Atsumu.

"Nah, (Y/n) is the only one who doesn't realise though."

They overheard your faint protest of how 'women were trying to talk to him and he shouldn't have just ignored them like that' but Bokuto seemed to happily dismiss it.

"Why so mad? Did you think they were pretty? I can introduce you if you want (Y/n)?"

His reply was questionable, and once Bokuto had gone over to Atsumu and Hinata (who were defitely flustering him about something) you fell into thought. You'd seen Atsumu address everyone who tried to flirt with him, the same with the other players but the fact Bokuto had just ignored them was so strange. Normally he enjoyed praise after matches, or any time really. Maybe he'd reached his limit today?

You didn’t have time to further ponder it though when you were interrupted by the aforementioned trio.

“Hey (N/n)! We’re gonna have another game, will you be my partner?”

“Did you run out of teammates or something? Or did Sakusa say no?”

“No! Jeez, I wanted you to set for me is that such a crime?” Bokuto jokingly pouted, yourself only shaking your head in bemusement.

“I’m in, makes sense to put the two Spikers on different teams.”

“Sure. That’s why Bokkun asked.”

———

It was a late practice tonight but you still thought the beach trip a week ago had imbued them with motivation. As the final practice match came to an end, the team prepared to head off separately. However, Meians’ partner had come for him today and you regretfully found yourself admiring the pair - how they'd brought food for him, and waited for him to go home together.

A defeated sigh escaped you, and only then did you take note of the presence beside you.

"Are you thinking about trying whatever they were eating?" Kōtarō spoke, gym bag over his shoulder having followed your direction of sight.

"Sorta? Well more like... no it's stupid." You embarrassingly waved it off, starting toward the exit when a gentle grip clasped your wrist.

"I'll still listen, stupid is more fun. Plus now I'm hungry."

You watched as he planted himself on the bench, a competitive aura about him that said 'I’m not moving until you tell me' and who were you to deny the person who was walking you home.

"Well, I was just thinking about going out with someone but I don't think it's in the cards for me."

Your calm nature and words seemed to surprise him, Bokutos' eyes widening slightly and for a second you swore he was contemplating more than usual.

"You're really awesome, you know that right?" You turned to him now, completely puzzled. "Anyone would be so lucky to have you, I'd be ecstatic, so try to see yourself how I see you."

"If you see me so positively, maybe you should just date me yourself Kōtarō." You jokingly laughed along with that accompaniment when he abruptly stood up with renewed determination.

"I would! I love you as a friend anyway and I've liked you for ages, but I can't."

"What?! I thought you liked Shirofuku hence why you were telling her we were just friends." You facepalmed, but reiterated your point of view to aid with his understanding.

"No I— I thought you were only into girls!"

…

There was a mortified silence, like the whole gymnasium had heard this and decided to tune in to listen. You're almost certain you heard Atsumu choke.

"Since when?! Where did you even get the idea?"

“Huh? I dunno, overheard ‘Tsum ‘Tsum mention it once, and you’ve never been bothered by male attention so I didn’t pry.”

“And you believed Miya Atsumu instead?!” You swear you heard the entire remaining team unanimously facepalm, grumbling curses under their breath despite Miyas’ hopeless protest.

“You gotta trust your teammates right? But when you put it like that…” Bokuto looked sheepish, despite his adamant defence of his setter which only left you laughing out loud.

“What’s so funny? It was a misunderstanding, I didn’t treat you differently and love you all the same no matter who you like.”

You paused, sighing hopelessly with a soft smile matching your new tone.

"Bokuto... I like you."

<——————————<<<<

[ Masterlist ]

[flyonthewallmedstudent]

The weirdness of high school.

And university too maybe.

Plus or minus med school. But not residency. Watching THis is Us and other bingeable shows recently.

There's a lot of flash backs and flash forwards in the show.

There's the high school ones, which like all TV shows is very stereotype'd. They go to an alumni event, and the nerdy girl now surgeon is estactic to hang out with the former football star/cool guy. Who is very thick.

I was a super weird, nerdy, socially awkward kid. Afraid of a lot of social things, but not afraid of science, history anything academic or what I looked like. I wore oversized sweats all day everyday. I never knew how to say the right things or act in a crowd. I hated crowds. 2 or 3 close friends was great, and the best I could muster. I was terrified of their parents.

But funnily enough, I never knew I was weird. I wasn't unhappy either.

I liked having 2-3 close friends, nothing more or less.

Then close to graduation, one of the guidance counselors (the non-crazy one) said to me, she didn't have a great high school experience either. But it gets better after high school. I'll see. It took me years as a teenager to understand what she meant.

Later on I realized that other people felt sorry for me. Thinking because I didn't have the stereotype of the great high school experience I was some how sad, ashamed, unhappy.

Ironically I never even thought about it and was actually happy in my own world and space. I had my separate universe in academics. Like it never dawned on me that I was missing out on anything.

I felt embarassed, in a strange way as an adult reflecting on those experiences. Slightly embarassed for me, but more embarrassed for the small town/city around me. I did not fit in that place, but I didn't know it either back then or didn't care to. We were very much ships passing in the night. I didn't and don't hate where I grew up, I actually loved it in my own way. I got a great education there, and it got me where I wanted to go.

Looking back, plenty of kids probably made underhanded mean comments or passive aggressive statements - but it all went over my head. I suppose I would have been unhappy, had I read between the lines back then. Someone even stole my math text the week of the math exam, but I was actually flattered. That hey, someone thought I was that smart (imposter syndrome starts when you're young). It was one of the best days of my life.

It was also hilarious to me then, that stealing the text of one of the nerds during exam week would sabotage anything - because they spend their entire free time studying the whole year. They don't cram. Cramming was a terrible habit I acquired in university/undergrad. In med school, I'd fail exams because I crammed.

Another time I had left my draft math home work in a common room table, a classmate told me (2 weeks after the fact) that 5-6 different kids grabbed it and copied it. unfortunately for them, it was a draft full of errors, so I completely disregarded as trash. the final copy I submitted with the correct formulae was substantially different. Our math teacher of course realized that everyone had the same errors, but couldn't figure out the source. No one ever said anything mean or confronting, so it wasn't hard to brush aside. they self-sabotaged themselves, nothing actually happened to me.

Again, it was like we lived on different planets. Had they asked, I probably would have helped them out, I didn't get the grades I got by myself either. My far smarter co-nerd friends taught me a lot. On the other hand, I was intensely shy, they probably interpreted it as being "aloof." Or worse, condescending.

I'd felt my entire time during school, that it was the path to something else. I wouldn't get there till about 10-15 years later. Maybe even 20. It was a means to an end. If I was going to be working, then I wanted that work to have meaning. Or what would the point of all those hours. My parents worked in jobs they grew to hate to just go home and be tired.

Med school was a bit like high school. After the first few months of first year, i spent most of it hiding from other med students. (They were fucking crazy, a good chunk of them although not all, the anxiety, stress, competitiveness, the back stabbing, entitlement and bravado --> by the way, people do mature and get better. of course not all them do. anyhoo).

It was after selecting a vocation and starting residency that I found "home." Where I suddenly was comfortable having more than 2-3 friends and happy to be in crowds. Because everyone in the crowd was pretty much like me. We wanted to talk about all the same things. Maybe I grew more comfortable in my own skin along the way too.

But you know, it wasn't me that need to grow and change. I had found the environment where I finally could be myself in.

[dsaf-confessions]

So like after making that I think Steven's tragedy is overlooked confession I realised it isn't just him but also everyone else . Including Jack & Dave the most popular characters in this fandom

So like Dee. She was a child. I think around 6 years old. Idk but Im sure she wasn't even 10. And she also died in her birthday??. So like imagine being so young going to a pizzeria to celebrate your birthday, and then, you get killed by a pink fuck, in a place you thought was supposed to be fun and harmless children entertainment fun. And then said pink fuck, FORCES your soul in an animatronic. So like you spend decades, trying to save other children so they won't end up like you. Jesus, she tried her hardest to save other children, to help give them their happiest day that was taken away from them at such young ages. But it was a cycle of failure. She couldn't save them. She was still, a child, like them. A child that was forced to mature at such young age. Can only do much. It's so fucking tragic. I love her I rlly wanna hug her.

Peter. People seem to say that he abandoned Dee and Jack. But I don't think he did. He just moved on with his wife. That's kinda what married people do. Just because he wasn't there, doesn't mean he outright abandoned them. If he had. I don't think Jack would had run off to his place for help after his and Dee's death. Or that Henry's line about his family dying just to get away from him, and that he meant more as a phone guy than he did to his family when he was alive. Would had affected him, if he actually tried getting away from them. He feels bad for not being there for them. I don't blame him. He was a working man. He probably COULDN'T be there at Dee's party cause of work. Fazbender's is a shit ass place to work at anyway. He still blames himself. For his family falling apart. For leaving. He spent many years slaved at Freddy's while also having flashbacks/memories when he was alive. Sounds awful. His suicidal outburst in the evil route isn't talked about enough. He wanted to die. If it meant he'd see Caroline again. Oof

Even Jack and Dave's tragedies are overlooked.

Dave's backstory is so messed that it actually makes me sick in my stomach. No kidding. (Not saying it's bad or anything) So I'd prefer to not talk too much about it. Hope you understand .But in a nutshell. It's about someone who never had any kind of love growing up desperately trying to get the approval/love of the people he loves. And even considers family. So much that he's willing to take any kind of abuse, fucked up experiments, manipulation and literally killing him. To be with them. Cause he never had any love. He thinks they care for him. And that's enough for him to literally cheat death and posses his own corpse, over, and over, and over again. Just to be with them. That he was willing to murder. For them. Cause they told him he was doing good. Jesus. It's messed up.

Jack's own tragedy, and blackjack's, he lost his parents and was left as an orphan to take care of his sister at an actually young age. I think he was in his 19-20s when that happened. In fact Im sure he wasn't even old enough to drink on the state he lives in. Which I think already explains how messed up his mental health actually was. And then one day he messed up. He left Dee and that led to her death. He tried to find her, to save her. It cost him his own life. He was dead, soulless, people didn't saw him as human. They knew him as the ' scary orange man/guy'. But he made a promise. It's sad, one of the very few times he's actually acknowledged as human. Is the dsaf 3 good ending. Aka where he literally did everything for everyone knowing that in the end he couldn't pass on and get his own happiest day. And blackjack's regret. It was so strong that it gave him the power to go back in time. Just cause his guilt to turn back the clock and save Dee was that strong.

I think people should start seeing dsaf as something more than just "haha funny orange and aubergine guys have sex in Vegas". There are so many other things to it than davesport. For a series that's as much of a shitpost as dsaf. It's actually filled with angst. And so much potential only for the fandom to focus only on one part of it.

Anyway hi.

Can you guys that I like angst by now?

.

[360degreesasthecrowflies]

"But just"/"Why don't you just?" is not always the magic solve you think it is, boomers

Feeling a little disheartened today by the way that my mum point-blank refuses to acknowledge structural barriers. And I do think it is at least partially a generational thing.

The thing about the deck being stacked against you that has the most impact, and that certain folk of a certain age seem unable to put together is that...

You reach a point in your life, or in your career, or in your day to day financial situation where not only is there no magical solution, there are also no good options.

And it's the kind of situation where it's not the case where there are no good options because you, the individual, made mistakes or burned bridges or wasted your starting out nest egg or your initial savings so you have only yourself to blame - or even where if you just reduced your basic outgoings down several levels you'd be able to build a nest egg (back) up in order to give yourself more options again... There just aren't any good options from the jump.

Recent solves my mum has put to me as if I'm not an adult, in my 30s, living independently in another country from her with over 10 years' working experience, include:

Why don't you just get a higher paying job?

Why don't you get a pension?

Why don't you buy a house?

Why don't you move further away from your work (and your established community and the amenities you rely on) so you can buy a house?

The undertone implication is a) that we haven't already considered all the options before us, done the calculations and concluded that (unfortunately, as if it worked out it would be helpful) it isn't viable right now, and b) that by not doing these things you are somehow deliberately crafting your own misery and setting yourself up for more hardship, instead of the reality that we are making the best of what's available to us within the system that is how our generation are asked to live and exist.

I don't 'just get a higher paying job' because the structural barriers are my lack of education and my lack of social connections among the higher strata of the demographic that, by their wealth-funded access to as many qualifications as they would like to pay for, and by being able to buy the time to complete them, holds a monopoly on hiring. That's something that's come from making education something available to the highest bidder, rather than grant-funded and obtainable by anyone with the capacity to qualify for the course.

I don't have a pension (right now) because I can't afford one. The minimum contribution that I can make by law to a pension is 10% of my income a month, and I can't afford to lose an extra 10% of my income when I'm already paying around that out of my salary to a student loan with compound interest that was sold to me as a loan that wouldn't have compound interest added. I'm also paying 50%+ of my income per month on housing alone, and more on bills. Where am I supposed to find more? And of course, if my salary goes up, so too does the amount I'm meant to pay back the student loan.

I don't buy a house because I can't afford one, despite saving for a deposit for several years. Unfortunately, Liz Truss crashed the economy last year and as a result, the banks don't offer mortgages as high as they used to, and require larger deposits for properties. As such the amount that I have saved up might have been enough to put down a healthy deposit two years ago, but now, isn't. And I can't save any more because of the aforementioned draws on my income above.

And if I was to move further afield to buy a house, what's the benefit to me? I'd have to spend more money on my commute, I'd probably have to live in a much less safe area, and it's going to be cold comfort to me that I own a property if I end up getting assaulted or stabbed on my way home at night.

Trust me, I would love to live in an era where I didn't have to overthink these basics. Where the fact that I have a college degree and multiple years of specialised work experience across multiple sectors including private business and government would actually count for something and afford me a solid and stable standard of living.

But it doesn't any more. And this is my life, and the lives of many of us nowadays. And we can't just sit and mope about it, we have to accept it, and adapt, and do the best we can to keep going until something gets a little easier for us, until the luck of the draw rolls our way or until someone with the power and ability through government or big business to effect a real change takes that shot and acts to make things just that bit less bleak for us.

Until then, a little empathy wouldn't hurt instead of a lecture.

[sio-writes]

A Botanist's Guide: Chapter 11

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<< Chapter 1

Tags for this chapter (spoilers ahead): This chapter is nsfw, and contains vaginal sex

The week brings zero resolution, and zero answers. The constant onslaught of nothingness and boring procedure has kept me in a state of limbo, between wanting to ask and being afraid of the answer. And in either situation, the milestone and whatever the fuck is happening with Kri, it's driving me crazy. My leg keeps bouncing up and down as my brain tries to spread out the extra energy. I keep thinking of what could go wrong-- what will go wrong-- in the days leading up to the review. 

The results from the presentation are due back any day now, and I haven't heard anything. Sometimes that's a good thing, like hearing your name called last and you win the regional award for best baking soda volcano at the science fair. But in my experience here, no news is bad news. It means they're mulling it over, that I didn't do as well as I thought I did. Maybe all those jokes and pats on the back from the board were meant to soften the blow. Maybe I celebrated too early.

Jillie's hand on my shoulder makes me jump, dropping the pH scale on the floor.

"Are you alright?" she asks, her perfect eyebrows pulled down in concern as she bends down to pick the scale up and hand it to me.

I'd been spacing out-- again. It's been happening all week, and no matter what I do, I just can't get it together. There's too many thoughts trying to take up the limited space in my brain, with so many of them revolving around the single presence in the room that I can't ignore.

Kri has returned to his auditing routine, but only shows up when it's mandatory, now once a week. The time we all spend together has been cut to a fraction of what it was, leaving just enough room for him to bicker with me over the water and nothing else.

I should be glad for it-- he's putting distance between us like I wanted, he's back to his super professional self instead of the curious, sarcastic, blindingly earnest alien I wanted to know better. But maybe it's for the best. After thinking it over, his hesitance at coming into my apartment was a refusal, no matter what cultural lens it's seen through. A rejection, clear as day. And I'm trying not to focus on it too much, I'm really not, but it's hard when the guy is sitting fifteen feet away from me.

I allow my scattered thoughts a brief reprieve, and sigh heavily before patching it over with a limp smile. "Nervous."

She pats me on the shoulder. "About what? You knocked it out of the park."

I chew on my nail because my bottom lip is bleeding from biting at it all day. I can't ask Kri, because he's not talking to me. I thought he was being professional for the presentation, but his aloofness has extended into the week. He probably wouldn't tell me anyway, but at least he'd explain why instead of looking at me like I'm a stray mark on his stupid clipboard.

Thinking about anything for too long puts me in a spiral, but I don't know any other method to deal with it other than let it play out in my brain until I have a panic attack. My thoughts, my emotions, they all feel too big for my head, and letting them overflow like a stupid baking soda volcano is what it takes to sort things out. I won't have any answers, but it would stop my leg from bouncing up and down for three hours straight.

Jillie pats my shoulder and turns back to her laptop, and I hazard a glance at Kri across the room. He's deep in something on his clipboard, but that alien-sixth sense must've kicked in because he immediately stops writing and glances up at me.

This crush hasn't gotten any better, to put it mildly. Even when he's acting like the coldest of the cold, he's still considerate. Taking time to leave quietly, never raising his voice, things that seem to be constants no matter whether he's pissed at me or not. The few times we've gotten in each other's face he still radiates warmth, he still smells like fresh water, crisp and clean. Jillie's presence is keeping me grounded, keeping me from hopping into his lap while I twirl a piece of my hair around my finger. I'd gladly suffer in silence for the rest of the year if I could have the Kri that helped me grow plants back.

Kri raises his brow at me, annoyance clear on his face. "Yes?"

Caught, my cheeks burn as I shake my head. "Nothing," and I turn back to the planters.

The relaxation celebration from last week has burnt out of my system, leaving in its place a sour, empty feeling that liquid anxiety likes to fill in.

I'm not glad for this…whatever our friendship has evolved into now. It's like the beginning all over again, like he hit the reset button on his personality and left the rest of us to figure it out. I've even been messing up on purpose. Nothing that would hurt the plants, they're delicate enough as is, but enough that would usually make him stare at me oddly, or mention I was doing it wrong, something that told me that he was paying attention and would start an argument.

Instead, he just glanced at my hands, shook his head, and noted it on his board. 

I want to tear my hair out. I know what I did wrong, inviting him to my house was a mistake, but is that really cause to shut us all out completely? He and Jillie were just getting the hang of speaking to each other, and me and my big mouth had to go and ruin it. Maybe he never changed to begin with, if his commentary on my clothing is anything to go by. To think I could have offended him that badly is a thorn in my side. That the idea of being with me made him take a look at our friendship and tear it to pieces? 

Even so, every time we make eye contact, the words are just underneath my tongue, so close I have te clench my jaw around what my heart desperately wants to scream out. A confession, loud and clear, like the movies-- "You can have me, body and soul," and then I sweep all the (very, very expensive) lab equipment off the table and strike a sexy pose that has him on his knees and everything is okay, it's all gonna work out fine. And then I get my milestone results back and the board is so impressed they decide to give me two greenhouses instead of a communal one.

Yeah, right. I'll suffer alone, thanks.

We all spend the rest of the work day in silence, the speakers from my mp3 Player useless against the litany of emotions crashing against my mind like a pissed off ocean current. But I have work to do, and I'm going to do it well. Now isn't the time to be caught up in petty disputes, no matter how important I feel they are.

A lot gets done, but I'm not satisfied as we close up the lab. In fact, I want to fall into another drink. Kri is long gone, having packed up his shit almost in a hurry before stepping out, leaving Jillie and I on our own. It's like old times, just the two of us as we wander the halls back to the cafeteria for dinner.

I grab food through sheer muscle memory-- an orange, a sandwich, some chips and a drink, knowing full well that I need to eat it, but with zero desire. My appetite is gone, my stomach is in so many knots I was lucky to get a smoothie down at lunch.

I don't say much, and Jillie seems as exhausted as I am as we find an unoccupied booth and slide in. The lack of work and distractions leaves space for my mind to wander like I'd been pushing off all day. 

I could be mad at so many things, and I feel my anger like a rolling thunderstorm as I take a pointed bite of sandwich. It's pushing past the other emotions, making itself present, unavoidable.

The sandwich is bland, and tastes like soap as I chew angrily.

What the fuck was in his audit-- I mean really, notes on my outfits? What the hell, Kri? And why is he suddenly acting like the past month hasn't happened? I know it did, and I know I fucked up, but isn't it a common courtesy to explain these things? We're both adults, I can handle rejection, but it he's going about it in such a juvenile way. I need to know, in no uncertain terms, that he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Then I can sigh, maybe cry a little, and fucking move on with my life.

I thought we had something. Clearly I was wrong, but I thought we could stay friends at the very least. That would be the adult thing to do, but he's been acting like a child. Pissing me off.

Jillie sits up suddenly, patting her pockets, and her face drops. "Oh, shit."

I'm pulled out of my whirlpool of self-pity. "What's up?"

She grimaces. "Could I ask a huge favor?"

I raise my eyebrows, indicating she should go on.

"I think I left the oxygenator on for the last planters." She grimaces, patting over her pockets again. "And my keys in the lab."

Jillie doesn't usually make mistakes like that. It must be a weird day for everyone. 

"I got it," I say, pushing away from the table, wanting to feel useful at least once today. I grab the mandarin orange from my tray and start to peel it as I head towards the door, hoping the smell will activate my stomach.

"You're the best!" Jillie says over my shoulder, and I flip her off as I walk away.

I head towards the lab, grumbling to myself the whole way. It's not a far walk, but I'm working myself into an angry tizzy by the time I slap my key card to the door and it slides open.

Yep, the oxygenator is still on. I click it off and the room falls silent

Jillie's desk is organized, which is strange, but I can't find the key in any drawer, no matter how many times I open them. I move to the countertop that lines the wall, sorting through the mess of papers, plastic pipettes and junk food wrappers. God, we need to have a cleaning day in here.

I'm sorting for another few minutes when I hear Jillie's footsteps come in behind me.

"Sorry, Jills," I start to say as I straighten, and then I stop. It's not Jillie. Kri is peering into a shelf on the opposite wall. 

I frown. "You're not Jillie."

Kri turns his head to face me, looks down at himself, then back to me. "No, I suppose I'm not."

I roll my eyes. "What're you doing here?"

"Picking up the last of my things, apparently." Kri says, his tone clipped like just talking to me is an inconvenience. "I am missing a notation board, and I believe I left it somewhere…" He trails off, switching from searching the shelf to my desk, and I'm struck by the image of our first meeting when he did the exact same thing.

"Hey--! Get out!" Jillie's keys forgotten, I stomp over and pull his arms away from the drawers. Kri doesn't budge, instead tearing himself away from my grip and walking back to the shelf he already checked. Shame burns through me, bright and heated, and I have to clamp my mouth around the words it wants to say.

"Why're you acting like this?!"

Kri sighs, weary, and folds his arms over his chest. "Professional? We are coworkers, as you say."

"This isn't professional! You're back to--" I wave my hands around as if that'll convey what I want to say. "Like when we started out." I start tossing garbage to the ground, hoping to find Jillie's stupid keys so I can leave. "Look, I know I pissed you off--"

"You've never angered me."

My hands close around Jillie's lanyard and I rip it from it's hiding place. I shake the small plastic card at him as I stomp towards the door. "Don't! Lie to me!"

"And I have never lied to you."

"Withholding the truth is still lying!!" 

"Respectfully, I think--"

"Shut up! Shut! Up! Don't you ever stop talking?!" I smash the buttons for the door--wrong code, shaky fingers-- once more, right code. The door almost opens but stops halfway before sliding back. Oh, you've got to be-- I punch the code again. "And what else have you lied to me about, huh?! What else could possibly--" The door cuts me off with a droning buzz, and a strip of lights in the ceiling go red before it shutters closed.

Well, fuck.

"No no no--" the door buzzes, shuddering as it attempts to open, fails, and falls still. I run my hands over my head and pull on the ends of my hair. "Fuck!"

I smack the "Open" button again. The door jolts, there's the sound of creaking metal, and the resounding buzz of an error message. The door flashes red, and I smack it with my open palm.

Vigorously pressing the button only loops the buzz of the error message, and I hold back a scream.

I gesture to the door. "You're strong, can't you…?"

Kri stares at me for a second, expression blank before his eyes roll dramatically. He sets his hands to the door, all four of them, and heaves his shoulders. Once, then again. The door doesn't even shudder.

I hear Jillie's voice on the other side, "Cass?"

"Jill--!"

"You were taking too long! I came to find you." and she says something else, but the door shudders again and the creaking metal drowns her out. "Sit tight, I'm gonna grab maintenance, okay?"

"Great, just fucking perfect." I start to pace the room. "Of all the people to get stuck with--!" I smack the keypad for the door again, and it responds with the same error beep. Why today? Why now? Things were just starting to flow in the lab again until--

I groan, pulling at my hair. "She set us up! Now I'm stuck in here with you! Why would she do this to me?" I groan and slap the door again. It doesn't help me feel any better and the metal hurts my hand.

Kri steps back and leans against my desk, his arms crossed tightly over his frame. He's not looking at me and-- oh, right, I told him to shut up. Just because the guy is stoic doesn't mean he's emotionless.

I self-consciously rub my arm. "Sorry, I shouldn't have told you to shut up."

Kri looks at me, his expression calculating, before he sighs. "I don't believe she acted alone."

I glare at him. "What do you mean?"

He shrugs. "I asked Ari to deliver my things to my home, they likely colluded with Dr. Masters to get us in here."

I groan. "Perfect, that's just fucking perfect. Stuck in here with you."

I feel it coming, a panic attack, like the shore emptying out before a tsunami. First the presentation, then learning I accidentally invited him into my bed, and now this? It's overwhelming, it's too much. For fucks' sake I don't ask for much, all I want is answers!

I press a hand to my tightening chest, my breathing picking up and my heart starting to race. Yep, there's the panic. 

Kri's voice is tight when he says, "You've mentioned that," before ke kicks off my desk and continues his search. Is he serious?

I plant my hands on my hips. "Why are you ignoring me?"

Kri sighs. "I am searching for my board."

"It's not in here, you idiot!"

Kri heaves a larger sigh, annoyed. "Dr. Rowland, is this really conductive to--"

"Cassie! My name is Cassie! Cassandra! Or are we not friends anymore?! Were we even friends to begin with? Or is that something else you've lied to me about?!"

We're gonna be stuck in here for a while. Maintenance is on the opposite side of the building, and they take their sweet ass time going anywhere. We could be in here for over an hour. I could be stuck with him for over an hour. I bend over, hands on my knees, and try to gulp down air.

Kri rests a hand on my shoulder, and I wrench away from him. I need something to focus on so the attack doesn't start up again.

"Look, I know I fucked up asking you into my house, but that's no reason to be a dick!"

His brow furrows, and he walks to the countertop, putting space between us. "What're you talking about?"

I take a deep breath, something to steady myself within this rising storm. The panic is ebbing, slowly but surely with each breath, but on it's heels comes a flush of embarrassment. "I know what it means, I'm not an idiot!"

He goes tense, his shoulders set back, his hands gripping the countertop behind him. "You knew?"

"Well, I didn't then! But I do now! And I'm sorry that I fucked with your delicate sensibilities! Because I know it's a fucking travesty to imagine yourself with me but that's no excuse to treat me like shit!"

"Is that what you think?" And oh, he's angry now, his voice is deep and dangerous and it's doing things to my head that I can't begin to process because I'm still set on being angry.

My panic is gone, replaced with something that burns in my chest, trying to claw its way out. "Yes! I know it! Because you don't have feelings for me the way I do!"

The world goes silent.

I didn't mean to say that, I really shouldn't have opened my mouth. My face is on fire, but I can't take it back. It's out there now, if it wasn't obvious before. My brain is screaming, my heart is pounding, the room is too warm and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

And for once Kri seems at a loss for words. Like I’ve stunned him. He's not saying anything, but I can make up for that.

“Every fucking time when--it's--“ the words catch in my throat and my voice pitches up. It feels like I'm clawing out my throat. “It's not the same, that's fine and-- I can keep going. But I thought maybe-- I thought we were okay! I thought we could at least stay friends! But if you don't feel the same you could at least tell me or--"

Kri is on me in half a second, hands on my face to keep me still as he presses our lips together, and what I meant to say instantly crumbles to dust in my mouth.

I smell rain; fresh dirt and rain, sharp and crisp. He's soft around the lips, and so warm. His hands are on my face, cupping me gently but with purpose, and I wish my hands would do something other than hover uselessly in the air because I want to grab. I want to touch. I want to sink into the comfort he's offering.

And then it's over. He pulls back, just enough to whisper against my lips, "How could I not want you?" 

My heart flutters and-- No, no, absolutely not! I'm still pissed off! He can't just kiss me and make it all better and-- He leans in and kisses me again. It's just as good as the first, if not better because it's the second time and we may even kiss a third. 

This feels like whiplash, and I should be upset at the back and forth, the push and pull of a stupid man trying to come to terms with his feelings. But right now, as his arms go around my waist, I just melt, my brain turning to mush. Because he feels the same. 

Maybe that sexy pose idea would've worked after all.

I'm the one to pull away this time, if only to catch my breath. I murmur, "You're infuriating."

Kri looks like I slapped him. "I apologize, I--"

"Shut up," I breathe, pulling his face back in and kissing him a third time. My eyes flutter shut, and Kri's hands cup my jaw. We slot together like we were made for each other. 

I'm so relieved, so glad, relaxing into his chest and winding my arms around his neck. What a way to find out the feeling was mutual. I hate that we had to be forced into this situation, but I'll let Jillie slide this time, just because I'm thankful. 

I have to pull away to breathe. The moment lapses, and I feel a twinge of hysteria bubble up in my chest. "So you're not rejecting me--?"

His responding laugh is sharp. "Never."

I tilt my head into another kiss, opening my mouth on a soft groan as Kri slips his tongue between my lips. I wrap my arms over his neck, and the plating under my hands is soft. My fingers map the edges as they overlap, memorizing the small divots of his glow-channels as they trace around his wings. I idly draw my finger over the divot and Kri shivers, his groan vibrating through his chest. The sound drips heat through my nether regions that I affect him so easily, and I want to know what else makes him shudder, what makes him moan. I wonder if he wants the same for me.

"I can't believe you," I say between one kiss and the next. "Holding out on me like this." 

Kri finally leans back, taking a moment to look over my face. "Allow me to make it up to you," he says, his thumb brushing over my cheek. His eyes are lidded, hazed over and soft. I swallow past a lump in my throat and welcome him into my mouth as he leans forward to kiss me again because neither of us can get enough of it. 

Kri leads me backwards, his tongue rubbing against mine in small thrusts as the fingers on my waist begin to poke underneath my shirt, that simple brushing of skin making my muscles jump. I have to let go of his neck to shuck my lab coat, and I step over it just as my back hits the wall. 

The cold demeanor he's been wearing all week is gone, melted away by his own warm hands cradling the back of my head so it doesn't hit the wall. The familiar, confident being with gentle touch is back, exploring under my shirt, grabbing my ass through my jeans. 

Cornered in like this, I'm acutely aware of his height, his size, blocking me in like I'm not allowed to leave. I push up onto my toes and wrap my arms around his neck, only feeling the hands on my thighs at the last second as Kri picks me up and sets me against the wall.

And oh, this is nice. I've never been picked up like this, and the position does something to my head. The height, the hands under my thighs holding me up and the gentle way they squeeze, almost as if in appreciation.

My legs go around his waist, the shift making me taller than Kri, so he pushes up into the kiss, his tongue running sensually along mine before he pulls away. He presses his lips to my neck, parting for that hot tongue against my skin, and I gasp against it, arousal pooling between my legs.

My jeans are too tight, my t-shirt too hot. So I pull my arms back and throw my shirt to the floor, my bra quick behind it. I expect the air to be cold, it always is, it's why I wear long jeans in the lab even through summer, but Kri radiates warmth. 

"There's a perfectly good countertop over there," I say between kisses, gesturing with a hand to the general idea of the countertop.

"But I am right here. And," his wings flutter, and he presses his face into my neck. "I confess this has been a prevalent fantasy of mine."

My eyebrows shoot up in pleasant surprise. "Oh," I say, and a smile, unbidden, finds its way across my face. "Was this fantasy also inside the lab?"

Another wing flutter, then, "If you would prefer that I--"

"No no, this is good. This is…" His teeth bite into my shoulder, and I inhale sharply. "This is perfect."

Curious hands sneak up my shirt, pushing it up around my waist, and my clothes are too scratchy, too restricting. The urge to strip, to be bare and feel Kri against my naked skin, it moves behind my ribcage like a snake, has me arching into him so my sensitive nipples brush his soft matte plating. The hard line of his cock, covered in plating at the moment, brushes the bottom of my thigh. His tongue swipes along the skin over my collarbone, the combined sensations pulling a small sound of pleasure from me and making my arms go right back around his neck.

The hot point of his long tongue over my skin makes me break out in goosebumps as he tastes me. He moves down, over my breasts, pulling a nipple into his mouth with a sensual lick over the tip that has my toes curling in my boots.

He focuses his mouth on the one, teasing the other with a small, tortuous movements of his fingers, pulling sound after sound from me like he's playing an instrument. I forget if ento are into oral at all, but by god do I want to find out.

I'm dizzy with arousal as he licks into my mouth again. Kri kisses me like he can't get enough, like I'm going to disappear if his lips stop touching mine. It's hypnotic, I've never felt this intoxicated by one person.

He pulls away to rest his forehead against mine. "Can I fuck you?"

I did not expect him to ask so directly, and I did not expect to find it so hot. I squeak instead of responding, and he chuckles, the sound low and erotic. 

The fingers digging into my ass squeeze. "Please," he murmurs into my skin, his breath huffing onto my chest. 

I clench my fingers and clear my throat to find my voice. If I was turned on before, I'm soaked now. 

"That--that sounds great." Not the sexiest response in the world, but fuck it, if it gets Kri inside me I'll say what I have to.

He starts to work open my jeans, pulling them down over my hips and taking my underwear with them. He makes to set me down, but the idea of being completely naked in my own laboratory is too much. Too intimate with the alien in front of me, at least right now. So I squeeze my legs around his waist and he takes the hint, hoisting me back up, keeping my jeans mid-way down my thighs. 

My anxiety creeps in, here to ruin the mood. "What if they fix the door?" 

Kri nips at my skin. "We'd better hurry up then," and he sounds far too confident, too level-headed for how taken apart I feel. 

One of his hands moves off my body, reaching below and inwards towards his pelvis. Something shifts with a wet noise, like lube out of a bottle, and Kri sighs out, resting his weight into me. 

I try to lean over, just to see what I'm working with, but as steady as Kri's hands are keeping me, I don't trust myself not to overcorrect and bust my ass on the tile. The scientific portion of my brain wants to see, to examine and study. We got a brief overview of ento anatomy before landing, but that was three years ago. Besides, each human dick is slightly different, the same should apply for ento dick. And I really, really want to see Kri's. 

But the crotch of my jeans are in the way, and Kri's fingers tweaking my nipple are distracting, and I'm more turned on than I have been in years-- including when I was with Stephen. So looking can wait. 

I pull Kri in by the neck, burying my face in the slope where it meets his shoulder, and holding tight. The heat simmering beneath my skin has turned into a broil. I need to forget about everything else, I need to focus on what's here and now. I need him. 

Kri adjusts himself beneath me, shifting my hips in his grasp, and-- I feel his cock at my entrance. It's hot, hotter than the rest of him, and slick as he drags it up to my throbbing clit, although that slickness may just be me. 

That slight brush over my clit sends a jolt of sensation up my spine, and I want him to do it again, over and over. But he runs it down the center again, positioning his cock head-- if he has one-- at my core, and knocks his head against my temple. 

"Tell me if it is too much." 

My mouth opens on a cheeky retort, but it's ripped away when he pushes in, instead coming out as a moan, open-mouthed against his plating, my fingers digging in as I feel ridges and a distinct curvature that pushes deliciously along my walls. He's big, no surprise there, but I wasn't prepared for how full it would make me feel, how as his hips sit against my ass, I feel like I'm being split open. 

Kri sighs out next to my ear as he bottoms out, and I crook my elbow to wrap a hand around his head. "You okay over there?" 

"I'm not going to last," he replies, sounding absolutely wrecked. Even as he takes another breath, his cock twitches inside me, sending a spiraling heat through my abdomen. 

Still, I pat his head, placating. "Quit showing off and fuck me."

He doesn't argue, instead taking another steadying breath before he pulls out almost completely and thrusts back in, starting with a slow pace that helps me adjust to the sheer size of him. It starts as a stretch, which turns into a burn, which dissolves into a bone-deep ache for more, which Kri happily obliges by canting his hips forward and pressing me into the wall.

My soft, feminine panting turns into open-mouthed moans as the curved end of his cock brushes my G-spot on every thrust, making me dizzy with arousal and my clit ache to be touched. I don't care how I sound, I don't care if the whole building can hear me, I only need Kri to know how good he's making me feel.

One of Kri's hands wraps around my jaw, his fingers splaying over my hair as he presses his lips to my neck and licks a slow line up to my ear. The other hand travels-- teasing my hardened nipples, walking over my stomach and thighs, not trying to evoke any response, but feeling just because he can. He squeezes my waist when I moan his name, responding with an equally wrecked sound and slamming me down onto his hard cock.

"I'm very close," Kri breathes into my shoulder. "Do you want me to--"

"No," I shake my head and press a heated kiss to his temple, locking my legs around his waist. "Please, stay."

He moans a short sound into my shoulder, the hands on my ass squeezing as his wings flutter over my feet. "Whatever you want."

I'm lost to the sensations, lost within Kri. My spine goes taut and my toes curl inward, I'm so close to coming from this alone, and I want to stop just to draw it all out and do it again. This feels like finding a puzzle piece I didn't know I was missing. Something has slotted in my brain that I didn't realize was off-kilter. Not the sex alone, but the validation. That Kri wanted me as much as I wanted him.

His cock hits a spot inside me that makes my vision white out, and I'm pushed over the edge. My muscles go rigid and I clamp my arms around his head and I think I gasp out his name as I come hard. The world goes silent as I'm flooded by sensation, blossoming out from my spine to the tips of my toes.

As I come down, there's hands petting my hair, over my face, the outsides of my thighs. Kri is mumbling, not in English or even Universal, but in his native tongue. It's a watery, flowing language, interspersed with chirps and rolling R's that sound like he's purring. I don't know what he's saying, but the attention warms my heart.

His hips have stilled, and there's a liquid warmth drawing a line down the cleft of my ass. He must've come right after me, and my chest tightens at the idea that we came together. I've always been a sap for that kind of thing, it feels like an emotional connection.

Kri's hands wind around my middle, up my back to cradle my head as he catches his breath.

My mind is in similar tatters, I'm running on pure instinct, and right now I want to kiss him. So I tap his head with one hand. "Up."

He tilts his head back far enough to give me a perplexed expression, and I take a second to drink in his face. There's no hair to be messed up, but there's little signs. His lips are swollen and parted as he stares at me, his gaze is lidded as it lazily searches my face. The expression behind his black eyes is heated, not the fiery passion of a few moments ago, but a subdued, long-lasting heat that tells me he's not done with me.

I lean forward and capture his lips in my own, and he accommodates me easily. We make no moves to separate from each other, and I like it that way. Kri slips out of me, and I realize too late that he's tucking himself away before I had a chance to see anything, but I can blame it on his very distracting lips against mine. 

Carefully, he lowers me to the floor. My legs are unsteady, but he keeps me pressed against the wall for balance. He helps me back into my jeans, hands careful and even working to rebutton them, all the while not detaching from my lips. I adjust my underwear until it's comfortable, flinching at the wetness trying to escape and tagging this pair of panties as a lost cause. That's okay, I decide

I could do this forever, I could kiss him for another hour and not get tired. But I'm starting to feel the cold of the lab seep into my skin, making me shiver even with his warm body pressed into mine.

I smile against his mouth and pull back, my smile turning to a grin when he chases after me. 

"Come on, I have to put my clothes back on," I say as he starts on my neck. I give him a weak shove that only spurs him on. 

"No you don't," he grumbles. "You humans and your clothing. All it does is get in the way." 

"Think about it this way, you can tear it off." Kri backs off, his expression falling, then rolling through several other emotions as he thinks through the concept. The final wide-eyed, very interested stare he lands on makes me snort into laughter.

I pick up my bra off the floor and pull it on, laughing again at how Kri scuttles behind me to see how the clasps work. 

"So your grand plan to ignore your feelings," I say. "What was it?"

Kri scoffs as he hands me my shirt. "It was rather stupid."

I grab my labcoat, throwing it on before I step to the center countertop and hop onto the ledge, kicking my feet. "Tell me so I can laugh at you."

He sighs, grabbing my hands and interlacing our fingers. "I believed we were getting too…familiar."

I purse my lips. "And you didn't think to let me know instead of just doing a one-eighty?" 

"I was thinking with my emotions, not my head."

"Yeah, well, you're an idiot."

He smirks, pressing a quick kiss to my knuckles. "I am." Another kiss. Kri's eyes scan my face, and he looks wholly content. He cups my cheek with one hand. "Is it crossing a line to tell you I have dreamt of this?"

"Sap," I say, hiding my grin in the collar of my labcoat. "How, uh…How does it compare?" 

Kri gives me a curious look, scanning my face, then gives me a half-smile while tracing a finger down my arm. "My raw data is inconclusive. I require a larger sample size." 

I bat his hand away. "Oh my god." 

"But," he adds, kissing me gently, but still containing enough heat to short circuit my brain. "As far as first impressions go, my imagination has some catching up to do."

I smile at his words, wanting to tuck my face into my coat again. It may just be the post-sex haze talking, but Kri makes me feel so cherished. I could lose hours under his attention. Even outside of sex, he makes me feel special, and a small, quiet part of my brain is telling me that's how Stephen acted too, but I'm too content, too mushy to worry about it right now.

A yawn creeps it's way through me, and I fall against Kri's chest. I hear his heart beating, slow and steady, and when he hums it travels down his chest and into my head.

"Tired?" he asks, running a hand over my hair.

"Don't get smug about it," I grumble, half of my face pressed into his plating.

"Come," he says, gathering me in his arms and lifting me off the counter. My arms go around him immediately, and he sits us both down on the ground. 

Shifting so I'm laying down, I rest my head on his thigh, and his two left arms fall over me, one stroking my shoulder, the other on my waist. It's slow enough, warm enough, that I'm lulled by it, and I yawn again.

"Wake me up in like, ten minutes," I mumble, my eyes already starting to fall shut.

"Of course," Kri says above me, and his voice is the last thing I hear before the world fades to black.

Chapter 12 >>

[breadly-art]

In the summer of 2020, I decided to conduct a long experiment. Even, rather, a challenge to myself. I've been preparing for this for quite a long time, but in the end I was sure I could handle it. I wanted to raise a wild bird and release it with the expectation that it would be able to survive on its own.

The choice fell on wood pigeon (Columba palumbus). These birds are quite common in the forests of my country, moreover, this species of pigeon is considered one of the largest here.

So, at the very beginning of summer, I already had a chick no more than 10 days old. A silly, ugly "penguin" covered with yellow fluff. He had to be fed from 4 a.m. to 8 p.m. every 2 hours, and oh my God, it was difficult. But I coped! And a couple of days later, the pigeon was given a name - Rudy.

We spent a lot of time together, and not in the house, but in the garden. Rudy should have remembered this place before he learned to fly. After a few weeks, by the way, he began to stretch his wings. And a week later he took off (in an attempt to escape from my grandfather, who just wanted to move his nest to another place). Cool!

Soon Rudy was already sitting in the aviary, getting used to the terrain for the last time - I released him into free flight after a while. It was the first time he spent the night in the forest. And in the morning, when I went out into the garden - he, demanding food, sat on my head. This is a success, he is used to the terrain and will not get lost!

So Rudy began to fly after me all over the site, simultaneously learning to pick berries and seeds on his own. He even responded to the name, flying out of the forest at my call. Everything was great, until one day an adult Rudy disappeared without a trace for 2 weeks. I thought he was caught by cats or shot by hunters (because this kind of bird is game in my area). However, Rudy returned, cooing in my direction, and immediately went to eat grains from his feeder. I don't know where he disappeared, but since then he has become less likely to appear on the site.

Among all my family, Rudy allowed only me to come to him. He pinched cats and beat them with his wing, he was just afraid of dogs, like other people. In general, he was afraid of everything unfamiliar. It was a good sign. It meant I was doing a good job raising him as an independent bird.

Summer was ending, the days were getting colder, autumn soon came. Rudy spent more time in the woods than he did with me. This is good, because wood pigeon is a migratory bird. In autumn, they flock together and migrate to the south. Apparently, Rudy found his relatives, because by the end of September he finally flew away. I was sad, but I knew I'd done it.

With the onset of spring, these birds return. Rudy is back too! True, feral. He sat on my mom's head when she was in a country house and went outside. We are similar, apparently, he was confused. However, our dog habitually barked at him because she was chasing magpies from the site. As a result, Rudy got scared and flew away.

Yes, I didn't see him again, but I was sure that he was alive and had coped well with the migration. That's the experiment I conducted that year. In the future I plan to link my career with ornithology, so it was a great test of my skills.

:)

[pinkeyfreak]

The Keyboard That Started My Collection

Geezer 84-Key (75%) Wireless Cat Keyboard + Mouse | Wireless 2.4Ghz connection | Cost: $27-40

Full Review Below ⬇

Overall Rating: 7.5/10

I truly did not intend to start a keyboard collection. I just knew I wanted to take writing seriously this year and needed a new keyboard I could use with my iPad. Around this same time I got to experience using a mechanical keyboard for the first time in years and I knew I wanted more than another simple iPad + flat keyboard combo case. Little did I know this keyboard would end up being what sparked my desire to collect them.

I was hesitant to jump straight to a full blown custom built mechanical keyboard and was unsure if I'd even truly commit to writing so I decided to get a simple budget keyboard to start. I also decided to buy a keyboard that was cute and bright under the assumption that it would make me want to use it more (spoiler: it worked).

Things I Love I About This Keyboard Set:

The aesthetic: cat themed, various shades of pink, purposely cute; what's not to love? It's a delight to look at. I quite literally smile every time I see it.

Portability: this keyboard is sturdy for its price yet is portable enough to take on the go, meaning I can leave my PC at home and take my iPad with me instead.

Simplicity: As excited as I am to build my own custom keyboard and experiment with different components like switches, etc. I am also grateful for the simplicity of this keyboard.

Key shape: When I began to type more than essays worth of content I began to realize how awkward it was to type on rigidly square keys (both flat and raised/dynamic); so these slightly rounded keys were a welcome change.

Inclusion of mouse: other budget keyboards of the same quality as this one sell without the addition of a matching mouse at the same price and higher. The fact that I get the option of using a mouse as well (the keyboard and mouse can both also be used separately) is a wonderful perk.

Things I'd Improve/Change:

Overall I have very few complaints about this set especially given the price. The spacing of the keys was a small learning curve for me but once I got used to typing on it I completely forgot I had initially found it awkward. Of course, it isn't without its flaw or features that I'd change if possible.

Connectivity: This keyboard doesn't have bluetooth functionality which meant I had to drop a surprise $30 on an adapter dongle so that I could use it with my iPad (definitely could've gotten one for cheaper but I didn't want to wait for shipping) and I even have to use an adapter to use it with my MacBook Air.

Battery: requires 2 AAA batteries for the keyboard & 1 AA battery for the mouse. I had to change the battery fairly quickly after purchase but I did use it for hours daily for over 2 weeks. Either way I prefer rechargeable electronics for frugality reasons.

Functionality of keys (or lack thereof): This keyboard may by 84-key but even when using it with my MacBook only about 74 total keys have a function. The others simply don't work (and it's even less on my iPad); despite this it doesn't effect basic use.

Type -> Non-Mechanical: This is honestly a nitpick because again: I know what I paid for. But I secretly wish I could add switches to this board for a slightly better sound than the somewhat heavy and creaky plastic one that comes from the very basic design. (I am a bit more sensitive to stimuli like sounds and other things than the average person)

Summary:

An aesthetically pleasing simple and decently portable keyboard for the moderately active cat loving user. While not mechanical, rechargeable or highly customizable; it will get the job done for near daily use. I wouldn't necessarily recommend this keyboard for a heavy user (like an author) but think the average person (like a college student or office worker) looking for a budget keyboard and mouse set would be pleased.

[saiilorstars]

Love, Ours: What's Left from the Fallen

Fandom: MCU

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC

Story Summary: One-Shots/AU collection of Seren and Steve outside of their fics (Darkest Before Dawn, Alignment, etc.).

Story Masterlist ○ Seren’s Masterlist ○

Also available on Fanfic ○ Ao3 ○ Wattpad

Taglist: @ocappreciationtag​ @arrthurpendragon​ @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel @stareyedplanet​ @averyhotchner @foxesandmagic @kmc1989​

[If you’d like to be a part of any OC’s works/edits, let me know!]

The team would be leaving very soon with the intention of finally putting an end to HYDRA. Seren used the chaos of preparations to maneuver her way through the base. Nobody batted an eye on her. Before she knew it, she was right where she planned to be.

One of the guards saw her approaching the doors and moved in front of her. "You can't go in there—"

Seren never used her powers to intimidate people for her personal gain, but this was a special case. "I need to talk to him." As soon as she showcased her powers through her fingers, the guard stepped down and she was granted access into the room. Truthfully, she took a few breaths before being able to step inside. As brave as she wanted to portray herself to be, there was a subtle slowness in her pace when she took steps forward.

"Aah, you. I was wondering when you'd come to visit." Arnim Zola straightened up in his chair as Seren approached the table. His wrists were still cuffed. "I imagine your entire team must be on the race to stop Schmidt."

Seren swallowed very hard and pressed her hands on the top of the chair she was supposed to sit in. She noted the way he looked at her from head to toe. "Stop it," she ordered. She despised the smirk on his face. "If I could, I'd—" The harsh sound of metal cramming together cut her off and Seren pulled her hands off the top of the chair to see it ruined.

Zola let out a low hum as he examined the damage on the chair. "Your strength seems stronger than I remember…"

"That's what happens" — Seren couldn't help it; she slammed her hands down on the table, leaving a dent — "when you stop drugging me and cutting me open over and over!"

"Perhaps an oversight on my part…but thanks to you, we discovered so much. You helped fuel HYDRA. Had you been on our side willingly, you would have made a perfect soldier."

"Your 'perfect soldiers' end up dead," spat Seren. "We've killed so many of them and I can't wait for all this to be over because you are going to be under my jurisdiction and let me tell you that I come from a ruthless matriarchy. My grandmother taught me well and while we don't always see eye to eye, we'll both agree on the perfect way to punish you."

"Vengeful," Zola remarked, "You didn't give that kind of energy—"

"When I was lying half conscious on an examining table? Hm," Seren crossed her arms, "I might have been a little bit exhausted then. You did use me as your 'fuel' 8 out of 10 times when you were experimenting on humans. Seven of those were on Sergeant Barnes, by the way."

"It's true that I had my favorites," Zola said. "I knew that you and Barnes would have been my best creations had I had more time."

"More time?" Seren said incredulously. "YOU HAD ME FOR A WHOLE YEAR! YOU WANTED MORE!?"

"Science takes its time, Seren—"

"YOU DO NOT USE MY NAME!" Seren shoved the chair out of her way and reached for Zola over the table.

Not a second later did the guards burst into the room to pull her back.

"Let me go!" Seren exclaimed, trying to take Zola's handcuffed wrists with her even if it meant ripping them off him. "I SAID LET GO!"

It took three of the guards to drag her out of the room and even then, she almost managed to get back inside.

"What is going on here!?" Phillips came storming down the hallway to see the guards still fighting to hold Seren down.

"She tried to—"

"LET GO!" Seren yelled and, just like before, the moment her hands started glowing, the guards let her go.

"What is the meaning of this?" Phillips demanded to know again just as Seren tried getting through the guards. "Seren—"

Seren whirled around, filled with ire and glowing hands. "WHAT?"

Phillips was startled with her but quickly overcame it and demanded her to calm down. "You shouldn't be here. Everyone else is getting ready to leave."

"I had to see him," Seren walked up to him. "I had to tell him what was going to happen once I had him."

"Excuse me?" Phillips raised an eyebrow at him. "Once you have him? That's not…that's not happening."

"In your words, excuse me?" Seren returned the favor with the same raised brow.

"It's not in stone yet but the SSR has plans for Zola—"

"What—?"

"—therefore, nobody touches him."

If there was ire in Seren's eyes before, now it was more like pure fire blazing in them. "You want to — do you know what he did? Do you know what he did to me? To Sergeant Barnes? To half of your army!? Are you insane!?"

"It's not ideal but we're not in an ideal world, Seren. This is what the higher ups want and we must fulfill the orders."

Seren smiled sourly. "Unfortunately, I don't officially work for the SSR, do I? You don't even have my full name, right?" Her smile dropped and suddenly, Phillips was facing a very different woman from the one he'd known so far. "You met me at my lowest, but I am not there anymore. There's a reason that HYDRA kept me for so long, and I wouldn't want to unleash that on the side that I have grown very fond of."

"I don't appreciate threats," Phillips said, frowning. "You don't work for us, fine. You can leave the headquarters and go about your way. But that means you can kiss any kind of communication assistance with your mother goodbye."

"Don't threaten me with something out of your power, commander. Howard Stark can do whatever he likes after hours and I'm sure he'd be more than helpful. Like it or not, I will be taking Zola into Celessian custody because I guarantee you that once my mother and my grandmother find out what happened, they aren't going to let you use him for your 'plans'," Seren smiled tightly. "And if you think I'm bad, wait till you meet them."

"Seren, wait—" Phillips watched her take off in a storm. "Seren!"

~ 0 ~

It didn't take long for Steve to get word of what happened with Seren and Zola. When he first heard about it, he was readying their team up for their entrance strategy. He wished he could have left the moment Peggy spoke to him, but it wasn't until an hour later that he managed to get out. Curiously enough, he found Seren in one of the bunkers. She was lying flat on her back on a lumpy bed when he walked in, eerily calm. He had heard she'd been quite the struggle to "put down", a description he wasn't very fond of.

"Hey…" He took small steps towards her.

Seren still felt like she was being consumed by her anger and the last person she wanted to take it out on was Steve. She swallowed, pushing down the swirl of emotions. "How did you not murder Phillips when he was so disrespectful to you in the early days?"

Steve mused on the answer. "I don't know, guess I was never one for throwing hands when I didn't have to."

Seren propped herself up on her elbows and deadpanned him. "You're joking right? You really think Bucky didn't tell me stories about you in New York?"

Steve rolled his eyes. "That punk."

Seren cracked a smile at him. "Just so we're clear, if I had my way, I would've been happy to throw a couple punches at Zola and Phillips." The look on Steve's face implied that he'd felt the same at some point. With a sigh, she fell flat on her back again and looked up at the shabby ceiling. "I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm only sorry that you felt responsible for me that you had to come and talk to me. And I'm sorry that...that I looked more like an alien than a human back there."

"What?" Steve looked at her with wide eyes. "I didn't think — I would never think that."

Seren's smile spread across her face. "That sounds like you."

Steve came over and sat down on the foot of the bed. Seren shifted her body closer to the wall to make more room for him. Nobody said a word for a while, ironically leaving a heavy feeling in the air. Eventually, the nagging question made it out of Steve's lips.

"Seren…why?"

"Why do you want to get Schmidt?" Seren countered perfectly with.

Steve sighed. "Seren—"

Seren sat upright as she let her own sigh out. "It all stems from the same place, Steve. I needed to see Zola. For once, I needed to be on the other side. I needed to be in control. I needed to tell him what was going to happen to him."

Steve had heard a few things from Peggy who had gotten her information from Phillips. To say that he was surprised that Seren was out for blood would be a flatout lie. He was out for blood too. To argue that they were better than this would be entirely hypocritical.

"The SSR wants to keep him, Steve," Seren said, bringing her legs on the side of the bed to sit next to him. "He's not going to be a prisoner. He's not going to pay for what he did to me, to Bucky, to everyone else. Does that sound fair to you?"

Not in the slightest, Steve thought. He had no idea what the SSR had in mind for Zola. He never thought to ask. He just assumed that Zola would be punished.

"I want to take Zola," Seren said sternly. "If the SSR won't make him pay for what he did to the humans, then he can answer for my pain with Celessian jurisdiction."

"You want to…you want to take him to your home planet?" Steve met her gaze. "But that means…you'd leave too?"

Seren swayed her head. "It's not like that, Steve. I meant every word I said to you before. I want to be with you, I want to see New York with you…but I also need to do this for me. When my mother finds out what happened, she's not going to want to take Zola for trial. She's going for blood. My grandmother already dislikes humans. I don't even want to know what she would do to Zola if she got the chance. I want justice and I'm trying to follow the best ethical path here."

Steve reached for her hand and held it between them on the bed. "You don't have to explain things to me, Seren. I just want you to be okay. If you need to leave for a while, I won't stop you."

"I don't intend on leaving you behind," Seren reiterated, squeezing his hand. "Couldn't do it even if I tried."

As selfish as it might be, Steve felt a wave of relief wash over him. He couldn't let go of Seren. "Good...Just know that I have a lot of things I want to show you after this."

Seren rested her head on his shoulder. "Yeah? Like what?"

"New York is big. We'd start with Brooklyn, of course."

"Ah, gonna show me where you grew up?"

"Yeah. I figured I'd go talk to Bucky's family anyways. He has a little sister, you know? Don't want her to feel like she's going to be all alone now."

Seren felt herself smile again as she grew even fonder of Steve. "That's so sweet of you. You think I could meet her? I, um, I spent a lot of time with Bucky when we were with HYDRA. I don't know, I...maybe I could help comfort her?"

"Of course," Steve nodded, dropping a kiss on her hair. "And then, we could go get some cinnamon rolls." Seren chuckled. "There's this place Bucky and I always went for sweets. I think you'd like it."

"Well, that does sound very tempting, Mr. Rogers," Seren said, smiling from ear to ear. These little things are what stopped the darkness from completely consuming her.

They stood up together, hands still interlocked. Seren felt Steve's gaze was lingering on her for a reason.

"What…?" She ultimately asked, figuring he was reluctant to say it out loud out of fear.

"Please don't go looking for him again," Steve said. "Trust me, I'd like nothing more than to rip that man to shreds but the idea of you and him in the same room together makes me sick."

"Trust me, I wasn't fond of it either," Seren admitted. "I just had to do it, I'm sorry."

"It's alright, you don't have to apologize."

Seren leaned up on her toes and kissed him for a short moment. "I'm so lucky to have you," she whispered inches from his lips.

Steve nuzzled his nose beside hers, taking the moment to relish in her presence. "Me too."

They had just kissed again when the door opened.

It was Howard on the other side, looking apologetic but for some reason excited. "Oh, I, uh…Seren! Great news!"

"What, Phillips isn't demanding my formal resignation?" Seren said with a snort.

"Whaddya mean, you're like me," Howard grinned. "We're untouchable because of our amazing qualities."

"He's got that right," Steve said, turning to see Howard's smirk. "I was talking about Seren."

Howard rolled his eyes. "Anyways — Seren, you gotta come! It's important!"

Seren wondered what the hell could be a reason to be so happy about given what they were preparing to do.

"It's the transmitter!" Howard said before taking off.

Seren's eyes widened when she looked up at Steve. Curious, they went after Howard and followed him into the lab.

It was there that Howard showed them the transmitter that, according to him, had not stopped beeping for the past 10 minutes. Howard told them he believed that there was an incoming transmission but had not played it until Seren showed up. Now that they were together, he let the transmission play. As soon as it started, a female voice came through. While it played, both Howard and Steve looked at each other with the same bemused expressions. The woman spoke in a language that neither of them knew, although Steve did recognize it as Seren's mother tongue — Celessian.

Seren's expression was entirely different, of course. Her entire face had lit up like the sun. Her face was as close to the transmitter as possible, cheek nearly pressed up against it as if the volume was too low. She replayed the transmision twice before letting out a loud shriek of laughter.

"That's my mom! That was my—" she straightened and spun around to Steve and Howard, grinning from ear to ear. "My mom heard it! My mom heard our — she knows I'm alive! She's coming — she's coming to get me!" She bounced like a child until she met Steve in an excited hug. "That was my mom! It was her voice! It was my — that's my mom!" Tears filled her eyes as the emotions started swirling inside her.

Steve felt her bone crushing grip around him and kissed her hair. He was so happy for her and wanted nothing more than to help her reach her mother.

Seren soon pulled away from Steve and went to thank Howard with a hug and kiss on the cheek. Tears of joy rolled down her cheeks at the thought of seeing her mother again.

"She said she's coming," Seren said, looking between Steve and Howard. "She's — she's going to come here! She's following the transmitter's location."

"I-I can't believe it honestly worked!" Howard said.

Seren laughed. "It did because you're a genius! She heard my voice and she's coming here, for me!"

"How long will it take for her to get here?" asked Steve.

"Time works differently, remember?" Seren said. "So does travel. She could get here in 5 minutes, or tonight, or next week. But it doesn't matter how long it takes because…she's coming." Her smile started to spread again. "She knows that I'm alive. My mom is coming for me." She walked over to Steve who already had his arms opened for her. He wrapped his arms around her and let her excitedly babble on.

The air of joy lasted until it was really time to get ready again. It brought the reality which was that most of them needed to head out.

"Seren, if you want to stay here in case she shows up…" Steve started to say when they were about to leave. They had piled on their equipment out on the road and nearly everyone was already in their modes of transport which varied between cars and motorcycles.

Seren was the only one who would fly, of course, which was why she was the last one out. As soon as she heard what Steve was saying, she shook her head. "No, I…I told you I was coming. What Schmidt helped do to this world, to Bucky, I'm not forgetting. Besides, my Mom will understand why I'm doing this."

"And she's going to be happy knowing that we got you out of experiments only for you to head into a war that's not yours?"

Seren hummed with a sway of her head. "I'm sure she'll understand once we explain everything. Besides, I think she's going to be over the moon about the people I've met here. Peggy, Howard…you."

"Me…" Steve suddenly felt more nervous about meeting this woman than he had about the entire war. He gulped and smiled down at her.

Seren giggled at his reaction. "My mom is going to love you," she cupped his face and kissed his lips. "You're Captain America, for God's sake."

"Pretty sure up there," Steve looked up at the sky, "that means nothing."

Seren laughed. "Still, she'll adore you almost as much as I do. Now c'mon." She dragged him towards the others to go out together.

~0~

The ride through the forest was planned down to the last dot. Sure they may have accidentally tapped one of the warning wires on the ground but it really only sped up the process. Steve led from the ground on motorcycle and Seren was farther up ahead in the air, warning the others what was coming. She was glad to see Steve literally set fire in his trail with HYDRA agents. Another HYDRA agent pulled up alongside Steve, ready to attack with a grenade. Steve had just plucked the grenade out from the man's arm when a ball of fire collided against the man, taking him and his ride out. Steve knew that was no fire ball — stars were very pretty and menacing. He then chucked the grenade behind him, making sure to finish the job altogether.

Seren stopped near a crowd of trees that just overlooked the HYDRA compound. This was the only part she hated about their plan but she focused on the outcome of it. Steve was "captured" by the HYDRA agents after being overwhelmed on ground and was soon taken inside the compound. Seren watched it all happen and waited just like they planned. Then, she quietly slipped from the trees and flew over the compound's wire-barred gates.

A few agents on top of the roof spotted her and began to fire in her direction. She threw spheres of star matter down at them, enveloping their weapons in a raging fire. She then landed on her feet and collided her fist against an agent's face. She heard the distinct noises of ziplines just around the corner and hurried to finish. She rushed down the open corridor, shoving agents into and through the wall. She ducked just as another agent fired on her — she recognized the tesseract-infused weapon and, angrily, fired star bolts with both hands at the man. Once he was down, she went through the hole in the wall and found herself in the highest floor of the compound.

Shit. Seren looked over the rail and saw a bit too much of HYDRA for her taste. Flashes of her time in the med rooms filled her vision for a moment, the collective laughs of agents, the prodding, the cutting…

Seren felt her heart pound under her chest. She'd notice that her nightmares had started seeping into her day life, especially when she was in close proximity to HYDRA bases. Her breath shortened and no matter how hard she breathed, it didn't feel like it was enough. She had no idea what it was. Get it together! This can't happen right now! She couldn't afford to go through one of her episodes right now, not when they were so close.

For some reason, her mind went to Bucky; the one who wasn't with them anymore. They'd gone through very similar procedures and they managed to kill him. You're so close now…get them. Seren wished she could have talked more to Bucky about these times because as much as Steve offered to be with her, HYDRA had not messed with him the way they had with her and Bucky.

You're still here. Make sure that they never do the same to another person again. Seren balled her fists. This one's for Bucky.

She jumped over the rail and as she landed on her feet, the agents nearby turned on her. Bullets and fire came from every direction around her. She put her hands together, creating a shield of star matter impenetrable to the incoming fire. Seren waited for the right moment and then disbanded her shield, sending waves of star energy around her, knocking the agents in her wake. She stormed off further inside the compound, hearing screams and more bullets the closer she got to the end of a corridor. She also heard the entrance of the compound come down as hundreds of their army came crashing into the building. The Allies were in.

She continued down the hallway, striding the more terrified HYDRA agents she heard in the background. There was something so inexplicably satisfying hearing the enemy nearly cry as they crumbled to their feet. It made her breathing easier. She followed the trail of undisturbed HYDRA agents and forced them down to their knees. The only moment she stopped was when she stumbled into a room that resembled another med-room. Her eyes scoured over the familiar tools and her mind immediately thought of the implications. Med-rooms, tools, med-bed…their experiments were not done, not by a long shot.

And just like that, she felt her air cut again. Her eyes continued to take in the details of the room and suddenly, she wasn't there anymore. She was back on the examining table, strapped, screaming for help.

She opened her eyes and she was back in the desolate room. She swallowed hard, feeling a sheet of sweat with a horrid heat accompanying it. She raised her arms, noticing her trembles, and opened fire on the room. She screamed at the top of her lungs as she burned everything inside.

She stumbled out of the room, hand gripping the door ledge on her way out. She panted for air, feeling monumentally exhausted. She blinked fast, hard, to rid herself of the memories. She could hear herself screaming again, and then Bucky's. They were both in the same room for a procedure...

Nearby bullets pulled Seren out of her memory. She used the wall to support herself and made it out of the room. She had to calm herself down before she got hurt. Little by little, she gathered more strength (even if it was by force) and picked up her pace down the corridor. She spotted another HYDRA agent down the hallway at an intersection with what she recognized as not one but two more tesseract-infused guns. She hurled a series of star bolts at the agent, throwing him and his weapons down the other end of the corridor.

To her surprise, Steve stepped out from the other corridor, looking just as surprised as she was to see her. "Hey, you…" He immediately saw the fatigue in her eyes and the slow in her pace. "Seren?" He made a rush towards her but she waved him off just as they met halfway. "What's — are you alright? Are you hurt?" Before Seren could tell him she was fine, Steve verified for himself if there were any visible injuries on her.

"Steve, it's okay, I'm good…" She let out a breath, "I...I'm good." No, she was not. She was far from it but she couldn't turn her back now.

Steve nodded with her. "Schmidt went through the doors, I'll—" But Seren already knew what he was going to say.

She grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him down into a kiss. They would have liked to stay there for longer than they actually did but the sounds of nearing bullets forced them to break apart.

Steve took one of Seren's hands from his face and gave it a gentle kiss. "Please be careful," he looked down at her with nothing but love. Seren felt it and smiled. "And I'll see you soon."

"You be careful too."

Steve let go of her hand and she had to let him go too. She watched him backtrack until he turned and broke into a run to follow after Schmidt. Taking in a breath, she continued on her way down the corridor in search of more med-rooms. She couldn't risk there being another room with another victim.

She was rocked on her feet after what she presumed was a bazooka had gone off. Who let Dum Dum near another bazooka? She could only wonder how gleeful the man was right now.

She encountered another med-room at the other end of the corridor and this one seemed only recently used, with some blood still dripping from a slicer. Gritting her teeth together, she looked around for any little HYDRA agent hiding around in the room. She wasn't naive; the victim was no longer with them. So, just like the first room, she burned it to ashes. She wasn't sure if this was healing her or making it worse…but it didn't matter. She was doing it for reasons and people, and there was nothing that was going to make her stop.

She only stopped when her feet stumbled and it wasn't of her own doing, nor a bazooka. The rumbling that the base gave didn't seem to be of any weapon, but Sereon soon recognized the sound the stronger it got. A plane.

She hurried back into the corridor, and saw a mixture of allies and HYDRA agents at a crossfire, both sides stumbling with the great roar of the plane. Schmidt had to be trying to make his escape with the bombs.

"Seren!" She heard her name and whirled around to see Dum Dum himself calling her over. "We found the monitors!"

Seren didn't waste a second and ran after the man. They burst into the monitor room where a few of their other allies were, all trying to hack into the tech. Seren made her way to the front of the room and saw the visuals of the entire compound, including the hangar. She'd been right; Schmidt had taken possession of a plane that had just taken off. She searched through the controls, ordering everyone else in the room to, quite kindly 'shut the hell up' so she could focus and find the right ones.

"What are you trying to do?" Dum Dum was the only one who dared to near her in her frantic state. "It's locked. There's no way we can turn it back from here—"

"I know," Seren gritted her teeth. "But we can at least open a line of communication. My gut is telling me that dear old Captain America boarded that plane too. I need their coordinates now."

Dum Dum wouldn't argue with that intuition. He looked back at the rest of Howling Commandos and shared the same concern. They knew what fury in Seren looked like and they were not interested in being in the same room if she unleashed it. A few minutes later, the entire room froze in their spots as a fierce blinding light shot from the distance. Seren looked out the window, trying to make it out despite the great distance they were at.

"What the hell is that?" Phillips' voice carried in seconds before he and Peggy joined the room.

Peggy rushed forwards until she stood beside Seren who had not stopped gazing and really only looked miserably pale. "Seren?" she touched the woman's arm. "What is it?"

"It's the Tesseract," Seren swallowed hard. "It's…it's sent a beacon."

"A beacon? To where?"

Seren could only shrug. "I have no idea. The Tesseract is not supposed to be trifled with, much less experimented on. Only the Asgardians know what it does but I learned enough to know that it's never supposed to act like that. Steve, he's there and…" Her stomach began to churn with knots. "I should be there — I should go out there—"

"Seren!" Peggy grabbed Seren's arm just as she made a turn to leave. "You can't!"

"The Tesseract is volatile and I don't care how enhanced Steve is, he is not immune to it! I'm not even immune to it!" Seren ripped her arm out of Peggy's grip with all the intentions of heading out when a static noise came from the radio.

Everyone turned to the controls, eyes falling on the radio just as cut-up words came through. Little by little, the sound corrected itself and Steve's calls were coming through, asking for help.

Seren beat everyone out to the radio and grabbed it. "Steve? Steve, what's going on!? Are you alright!?"

"I'm fine!" Steve said, though Seren doubted that considering where he was.

"Where's Schmidt?"

"Schmidt's dead."

"One piece of good news. And the plane?"

"That's a little bit harder to explain…"

"Just…just give us your coordinates," Seren said, swallowing hard. "We can —we can find a landing site or I can—"

"There isn't going to be a landing. Schmidt's locked the navigation system. And there's more than enough power to reach the East Coast."

Seren was flabbergasted, so much that she turned to Peggy, to Phillips, the Howling Commandos — anyone who could help her.

"Maybe…maybe we can get Howard on the line," Peggy made the suggestion that first popped into her head. She glanced back at Phillip, the man already grave in the face knowing what was going to happen.

Seren took the offer and repeated it to Steve. "He's a genius! He can help!"

"I'm sitting on a hundred tons of explosives. Hotwiring this thing's not an option," Steve replied, forcing himself to appear calm. The fact was that facing death while completely lucid was not as glorious as the drafters made it sound. "I've got to put her in the water."

"But you said you couldn't steer it…" Seren said weakly.

"I can't. But I think I can crash it."

"Oh, that's a whole lot better…" Seren despised herself for actually feeling a genuine anger towards him right now.

"It's hard, I know, but right now, I'm in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer, a lot of people are going to get hurt." And that was something that Steve couldn't and wouldn't let happen. It was the whole reason he signed up. He wanted to help and protect people. He couldn't be selfish.

"But…I can…I can fly out there, I can go after the plane and…"

"No, you won't." Steve had no doubt in his heart that Seren wouldn't hesitate to chase after him in the vast ocean. He just couldn't let that happen. "You're fast but this thing is faster and by the time you get here…I don't think there's going to be much left to find."

"No, but…" Seren's eyes filled with tears pretty fast. She fell into the chair beside her, feeling like she was losing the air in her lungs in a whole new way. "You were supposed to…we were going to come back together…"

Steve actually felt his heart break little by little remembering what they had planned for themselves after the war. "Seren, listen to me, okay? You're…you're going to go back to New York, alright?"

"But what am I sup—"

"Brooklyn, you hear me? The bakery? It's been there since I was born. My mom used to bring me bread from there all the time growing up…she would say have one and I had about five instead."

Seren chuckled through her tears. "You stuffed your face with bread?"

"It was sweet bread, thank you very much. Filled with sugar."

"Oh God…"

"You're going to go there and buy yourself a cinnamon roll. Have some on me, okay?"

"N-no..." Seren tried breathing normally but her breath hitched in her throat and suddenly she was shaking with tears.

"And then when you're ready, you're going to see your Dad, okay?"

"I don't know about that…"

"You will," Steve insisted, smiling through his own tears. The vast ocean was getting closer and closer to him. "Because he's going to love you."

"But he has no idea I exist."

"So imagine how much he's missed out on? You are an amazing woman, sweet, strong as hell, and so brave." In those last moments, Steve would only remember his moments with Seren and only her. If darkness was going to come for him, he'd lean back on his star to light his next route. "Everything you went through and you still hold so much love in your heart. That's why I love—"

There was a loud hiss and then static as the radio went silent.

Seren squeezed the radio in her hand until it broke into pieces. Tears of anguish and anger spilled from her as she slammed her fists into the controls. She smashed once, twice, and a third…then let herself collapse over them and sobbed.

~ 0 ~

Getting back to headquarters was like a dream sequence, if anyone asked Seren. She remembered that Peggy had to physically walk her out of the control room and the compound altogether. She remembered she did not fly — she couldn't fly — and that she rode with some of the Commandos. She didn't remember what they talked about, if they talked at all. What she did remember was Peggy telling her that she had a home with her for however long she needed/wanted.

Seren followed Peggy inside headquarters, and heard the bustling noise of the other agents until one stood out. Howard Stark had never ran so fast.

"Agent Carter! Seren! You'll never guess—!" He stopped in his tracks upon seeing Seren's tear-stained face and Peggy's grim one. His own expression changed in that moment. Eyes looking past the two women, he could easily tell who did not make it back.

"Seren is going to need to rest," Peggy spoke on the woman's behalf. She got the feeling Seren wouldn't be much of a talker for a while.

"Um, yeah," Howard cleared his throat, "I actually have something Seren needs to see."

"Howard, now's not the time," Peggy said, trying to pull Seren with her but Howard blocked the way. "Mr. Stark, this isn't—"

But someone else spoke and it was not in any language that Peggy knew. Seren's head snapped up, twinkling eyes scouring the place until she found the source of the voice. A short woman with shoulder-length brown hair and dark eyes stood a few feet behind Howard. She wore a strange suit, one that Peggy knew for a fact Howard wasn't responsible for.

The woman spoke in the strange language again and suddenly Seren was pushing past Peggy and Howard. "Mom!" she cried and ran into her mothers arms where she burst into tears again.

Liana Dade stumbled back with her daughter's force but held onto her like she would slip away. She wrapped a protective arm around Seren's back, dropping kisses in her hair.

Peggy stepped closer to Howard, quietly mumbling to him without ever tearing their eyes off the mother and daughter. "When did this happen?"

Howard used the same mumble tactic to answer. "An hour ago. Speaks English, by the way. Came tearing a new one through headquarters raging that we let her daughter go. Took me a while to explain things to her."

"How did she get here so fast?"

"Apparently, the Tesseract acted as a beacon an hour ago."

Peggy knew exactly what that had been. The blinding light they'd seen from the control room. Seren's mother must have seen it or captured its readings.

Seren was a mess when she pulled back from her mother, mixing her English words with Celessian. Liana held Seren's head, urging her to calm down for her own wellbeing.

"It's alright, you're alright now," she said to Seren, smiling brightly through her tears of joy. "You're safe and we're—we're going home now. I'm taking you home."

"No! No!" Seren shook her head fervently. "No, Mom! Steve — he's — the ocean — the Tesseract — all their fault — he's stuck!"

"Seren—"

"We need to find him!" Seren started pulling on her mother's arms to follow her God knew where. "You're faster than me! Steve could be—"

"Seren, honey, what are you talking about?" Liana pulled against Seren, trying to keep the young woman in her place.

"MOM, PLEASE!" Seren screamed, shocking Liana as she fell to her knees, begging to be listened to. "We need to — I need to — please…" She squeezed Liama's hands, forcing her mother to look at her pleading face. "I need to find him! Please help me! Please! I'll do anything, please!"

Whether they were from Earth or another world, it was clear that Liana had no idea what to do with Seren. She looked up and met Peggy's and Howard's gazes, silently asking them for help.

Peggy cleared her throat as she stepped forwards. "Um, my name is Agent Peggy Carter and, uh…I'd like to explain some things to you…if that's alright?"

Considering that her daughter was still crying her eyes out, Liana quickly agreed. "Yes, please…please do." It took her, Peggy and Howard to make Seren get back on her feet. After that, getting her to calm down was a whole other mission. Eventually, Seren's exhaustion caught up with her and she collapsed into a short sleep.

Liana was not going to take her eyes off her daughter anytime soon and so Peggy had to explain everything from beginning to end in Howard's lab while Seren sat and slept at a desk. Neither Peggy nor Howard knew what to make of Liana's silence after hearing everything that her daughter went through in her absence. It was clear, though, that like many of them there, Liana grew an instant hatred for HYDRA.

"They cut my daughter up?" Her hands balled into fists. Familiar power danced at her fingertips. "You said they're gone?"

Peggy nodded. "Uh, yes, we just wiped them off today, actually."

"Good," Liana said, glancing at her daughter still sleeping. "And so…this man…him and my daughter — they had a…a…relationship?"

"Sort…sort of?" Howard checked with Peggy to make sure he had that right. He never asked straight forward and he wasn't going to start there.

Peggy nodded at Liana. "Steve was the one who rescued her from HYDRA. He helped her trust us."

"And now he's…"

"Gone," Peggy confirmed the news with a sigh. "He brought down a plane filled with bombs before it could strike New York."

"New York?" There was an undeniable recognition in Liana's eyes when she glanced in their direction. Peggy nodded again. Liana ducked her head and slowly processed it all. Eventually, she drew in a breath. "Well, it seems like I have missed a lot in my daughter's life. I should be honest with you," she looked up again, "The Tesseract is an unpredictable thing. If this man went down with it…I hardly think that he would have survived."

Both Peggy and Howard lowered their heads. Yes, they knew the chances were low bit they were still crazy to believe that Steve would win against the odds. Still, Liana confirming it was just further proof of the opposite.

"And that being said, I'm going to need your help solidifying that idea in my daughter's head," Liana said, casting a grim glance in Seren's way. "Steve is dead and the best thing she can do is leave Earth with me."

~0~

Seren rested a lot in the days that followed. She'd exhausted herself between the fight and her grief. She heard a lot of commotion around her. The war was over. Finally, officially over. People were celebrating everywhere. Everywhere and everyone except for her. As much as Liana tried and tried to get her to leave right away, Seren refused. She just had no energy to make that big of a trip and, what's more, she had things she wanted to do first anyway. The morning she stepped into the lab, it was a chaos of cleaning up. Somehow, it made her feel worse. Things were ending, things were moving on.

Seren wasn't sure what she was doing, nor why she was even there. The act of floating was her best move in these moments.

Howard wasn't expecting to see her in the lab and when he did he walked over and gave her a big hug. Seren appreciated the gesture. He walked around his lab which was nearly cleared away and tried making small talk to keep her engaged.

"I'm heading back to New York with the rest," he said, eyeing Seren specifically, "I know Agent Carter is returning to London…"

Seren nodded. She knew that as well. Peggy had already sat her down to explain what was going to be happening with the SSR, going as far as extending an official place of employment for Seren if she wanted it. Seren refused. She had not forgotten where Zola was and although she wasn't going to fight over that — these days, it felt pointless getting justice when the one person that mattered was gone forever — she didn't want to be anywhere near the man. Peggy accepted it and didn't push any further on the matter, only stating that she would be there whenever Seren needed her.

"Can I…can I go to New York with you?"

The question initially caught Howard off guard but then slowly, he began to smile. "Of course. Would that be by plane or flying?"

Seren managed a half smile at his words. "The plane would be nice, thanks."

"You are welcome anytime," Howard said, bringing a hand on her shoulder. "I would also be open to having a working partner, if you're interested. There's no one else with your knowledge on this planet."

Seren chuckled lightly. "I'm actually not that smart, Howard. It just looks like it because I'm from a different planet."

"Nobody has your knowledge, Seren," Howard tapped the side of Seren's head. "Makes you one of a kind."

"Thanks, Howard," Seren nodded and lowered her head. "If I'm being honest, there's a reason I want to go to New York."

Howard hummed, drawing Seren's attention. "Wouldn't happen to be a certain bakery shop you're curious about?"

Seren flushed, nearly forgetting that a whole group of people heard Steve's last wishes for her. "That, yes," she nodded, "but I also want to find my father. He lives in New York and I want to see him."

"Oh, well, say no more," Howard clapped his hands together. "I can help you find him."

"I already did," Seren said, "Well, Steve did. He had the SSR track him down. He's in New York."

"I'll let you know when we leave," Howard said, "Of course your mother is also welcome to join."

"Mm…my mother…" Seren had yet to explain to Liana that she knew where her father was and, much more, who he was. She hadn't really spoken much to her mother, not when she spent her time either crying or sleeping.

There was a clearing of a throat and soon Peggy walked into the lab, carrying a box in her arms. Seren regarded her with a small nod. Assuming that Peggy had some things to discuss with Howard about the SSR, Seren excused herself to leave.

"Ah, wait Seren!" Peggy's call stopped the woman in her tracks. She looked back just as Peggy placed the box on an empty table. "I have a couple things you, uh, might want."

"Me? I doubt it…" Seren mumbled. There was nothing left for her…until she walked back.

~0~

It took Seren several breaths to be able to unlock the door and actually step inside the apartment. For a while, she just stood at the front of the apartment frozen to the ground.

It was darker than she remembered, colder. Her eyes landed on the couch — which seemed a lot shabbier than she remembered — and sucked in a shaky breath. She glanced at the kitchen and felt a whole new rush of despair seeing the dirty dishes they'd left on the counter. They were supposed to have come back and cleaned everything up to finally head out of there forever.

Her breath was shaky again. It felt worse than when she'd been cut open. She didn't even know that was possible. All her nightmares were rushing over her like waves crashing one after the other. Then she remembered all the good that she had been through since then and somehow it just broke her heart all over again. To have all that and lose it all in one go…

She didn't know how long she stood in her place, except that when she moved her legs were wobbling. She stumbled towards the couch and sat down.

For a long while, Seren sat by herself in the dark room, knees pulled up to her chest, head down. She had no concept of Time and had no desire to. She had no desire to do anything, not when it felt so pointless. She could have easily stayed in the dark apartment for the rest of her life if they let her…

But they wouldn't.

Some time later, Seren heard the door opening. She heard the footsteps, careful at first and then just slow as they approached her. In her darkest moments within HYDRA, Seren would remember the little things about her mother. She missed and cried for Liana during the moments she thought she would finally die. She would have done anything to get a hug from her mother back then, and now here Liana was and it wasn't doing anything for her.

Liana sighed after a while and pulled her arms from Seren. "At least look at me, honey."

Seren missed her mother's voice. She used to hear it a lot while she was imprisoned, using it as a coping mechanism. "How'd you find me?"

"Think I'm gonna lose you again?" Liana offered a smile that Seren didn't return. She gave up on the tactic. "Your new friends, they, um, they're kind. Humans — they're just like I remember."

"Not all of them," Seren said, finally picking her head up from her knees. She drew in a big breath. "But some of them…some of them are amazing. Were, anyways."

A brief silence fell over the two women. Liana watched as her daughter stared off into the distance, all life vanishing from her eyes.

"I wish I would have found you sooner," Liana said, dropping her head in shame. " Better yet I wish that I would have taken the assignment myself."

"No." Seren snapped back to the present and looked at her mother. "It was my mission and I failed it…just like I failed this one." Tears shined in her eyes as she looked around. "A few days ago, Steve lost his best friend Bucky. He was killed in action and Steve lamented how they had left this apartment together in the morning and by night, only Steve came back. I told him that we would get justice for Bucky…but all that happened is we left the apartment in the morning together…and only I came ba-ack." Seren sniffled until the tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Seren." Liana leaned over and kissed Seren's head. "I've…I've been hearing things, talking to your friends. I've gathered what you didn't want to take." She motioned to the table in front of them and that was when Seren realized that her mother had quite literally grabbed all her things and put them in a box.

"No…" Seren started shaking her head. "I don't want anything from the SSR. Peggy, she tried to get me to look inside but…I don't want it, mom. It hurts too much knowing that's all that's left of this past year." It truly felt like it was just yesterday when she led Steve on a chase through the woods after knocking out their infirmary ward.

"I think it would hurt more to throw it away without even giving it a chance," Liana said expertly. "It hurts more to leave behind a world without a single memory you can hold onto." Seren met her mother's knowing gaze. "I got lucky with you, though." She reached over and tucked some of Seren's hair behind her ear. "All my memories are in you."

"But you still wish you had more…" Seren concluded, nodding to herself. "You know…I don't even have a picture of him. I'm sure there's videos but…not a picture. And I'm not going back to the SSR to look for one."

"Course not, that's why you have your mother," Liana flashed a smile. She reached inside the box and pulled out a manila folder. "I did peek, sorry…"

Seren only found the energy to smile very little but Liana would take it. She handed Seren the folder for her to look through. It was titled 'Classified - Captain America' and there was a bright red stamp over it with the word 'inactive'.

Seren gulped. She opened the folder and let out a breathy chuckle. The first thing she saw was a picture of Steve, but it didn't look much like the man she knew, at least not initially. "Steve told me all about the, um, the experiment they did on him. Made him bigger, basically. He used to look like this…but it's still the same face…same spirit…and heart."

Liana hummed and leaned over Seren's shoulder. "Good looking," she said, making Seren actually chuckle that time.

"Yeah," she nodded. "Very." She unclipped the picture off the profile. She wasn't interested in any of the information, just the picture. "You would have liked him, mom. He was everything I could have wanted. From the day we met, he was very different. And honest. I don't think I've ever met someone who was always so honest. He was a bit naive, don't get me wrong, but just the right amount."

"All the good ones usually are," Liana said, smiling nostalgically.

"I told him about me, all of me…" Seren looked up just as Liana's smile dropped. "He knew who I really was…and he loved it. He loved me. The thing that makes me different didn't ruin it. He loved me."

"That was brave of you for telling him," Liana said, touching Seren's arm. "I'm glad he took it well. I know that it's been a hard topic ever since you can remember. You're right. I would have liked him."

Seren swallowed hard, closing the folder in her hands and keeping Steve's picture on top. "Steve found him, mom."

"Hmm?"

"He found dad. He found Brooks."

Liana's hand fell from Seren's arm. Seren grew more nervous as the silence stretched.

"He's in New York. Um, he had the SSR look for him and they found him." Seren glanced at her mother with new hope in her eyes. "I want to go to New York."

"Seren, that's—"

"Please," Seren shifted on the couch to face her mother, "I lost Steve, I lost the plans we had. Before he, uh, before he died…he told me that I should go meet my dad. We can go together. Howard says he'll take us both."

"Seren, I don't think that's a good idea, honey…" Liana rose from the couch, visibly growing nervous.

"You said that if he met me he would love me!" Seren argued, frowning as Liana refused to meet her eye. "You said he knew everything about us—"

"I know, I know!"

"Then?" Seren stood up from the couch as well, forcing Liana to look at her. "Am I not in my right to go see him?"

"Yes, yes, of course you are but…" Liana laughed shakily, "Maybe I'm the one who's nervous about seeing him again! This was years ago and…he could have a family now and…"

"He does," Seren nodded, "He has a son and a daughter, but his wife died. He's widowed."

"That's terrible," Liana said, bringing a hand on her chest. "Is he…was he…okay?"

Seren smiled at her mother. "I'm assuming he is now. You see? We have to go see him. At the very least, I have to go to Brooklyn."

"Brooklyn?" Liana sighed. "Let me guess—"

"Steve was from there. Mom, I have to go, please?" Seren held one of her mother's hands, squeezing it tight. "Please, I need to go. If-if I ever want to feel some kind of peace, I need to go there."

Liana knew there was no way in hell she would be able to say 'no' to Seren, not when she'd gone through so much and she hadn't been there to stop it. "Okay," Liana replied, "But you and I together, alright? I'm not letting go of you again."

Seren jumped into her mother's arms, hugging her tight. "Thank you, thank you…" She sniffled.

~ 0 ~

With tearful goodbyes, Seren left the SSR with Howard and her mother. She had nothing else to do there. It took a lot to convince Liana to come with her without tearing through headquarters searching for Arnim Zola though. As Seren once warned, Liana wanted retribution for what was done. Perhaps if things had worked out in their favor, Seren would have gone through with her word and taken Zola for justice. But things hadn't worked out. Things had gone very differently than planned and at the end of the day, all Seren wanted to do was leave the pain behind and that included the SSR and HYDRA anything related to it. That included the infamous Tesseract.

Seren told Liana that the damn cube had disappeared with Steve in the ocean and she was not interested in bringing it back. If the Asgardians wanted it, they could come find it themselves. She was done taking assignments. Liana didn't argue that either. Besides, once she stepped on New York soil and found a particular bakery down in Brooklyn, she felt way more content. She got a familiar whiff in the air the closer she got to the counter. A nice older lady welcomed her and asked her what she would like.

Seren smiled nervously. "I wanted…do you have any, um, cinnamon rolls today?"

The older woman smiled back. "Of course! All fresh! You'll see! I don't make one foul thing in this bakery!"

Seren chuckled as the woman went to cut her a slice. "I know, my, um…someone special told me about this place. Maybe you knew him?"

"I know everyone here," the woman said as she returned to the counter.

"Actually, I think you knew him and his friend — Steve and Bucky? They grew up here." Seren felt something light in her heart seeing the way the woman's face brightened.

"Yes, yes! Of course! Oh, good boys," the woman nodded. "James, he would run in here and try to pull one over me to get an extra slice. Steve, poor boy, he'd apologize and then they would do it all over again the next day."

Seren laughed softly. "Really? I thought Steve was more of the troublemaker."

The woman raised her brows inquisitively. Seren took the cinnamon roll she ordered and put the money on the counter.

"If you have time, I would like to hear more about them," she then said. "And afterwards, if you would be so kind as to point me in the direction of Bucky's home and the cemetery? I'd like to speak with Bucky's parents. Then go leave flowers on Steve's mother's plot?" She'd gotten that little bit of information through Howard and Peggy. She wanted to make sure she took care of everything Steve left behind.

"A…ha…?" The woman was dumbfounded as Seren walked to the table closest to the window and sat down with her cinnamon roll. She watched the brunette eat by herself, watching through the window the people who walked by, every now and then some kids running as they played. In the end, the woman walked over to the table, silently getting Seren's attention and sat down with her.

Seren smiled.

"How long do you have?" the woman asked her.

"All afternoon. My mother is, um, speaking with my father. We thought it best if we did it that way." Seren licked her lips nervously. "Hopefully, they'll both come get me. I haven't met him yet, you see. But Steve told me this place was amazing and that I should come here. He was going to bring me…"

The woman nodded, now beginning to understand what was happening. "Ah, I see."

Seren's smile waned slightly as she looked down at her half eaten cinnamon roll.

"He was a really good boy," the woman started, her words lifting Seren's gaze. "He used to be smaller, did you know that?"

"I did," Seren chuckled. "I also heard he used to get sick a lot…"

"Oh, did he ever!" the woman let out a dramatic sigh that brought out another laugh from Seren. "The times that he gave Sarah a scare!" She began to tell Seren about the jumpscares Steve was responsible for, and she clung to every single word.

And much later, quite close to the closing time, the entrance doors opened with a small ding.

Seren's eyes flickered to the doors and saw her mother walking in first. For a moment, Seren's stomach twisted as Liana walked in on her own. He didn't want to see me, was Seren's first thought. All the good stuff that she had hoped for — all the other good stuff anyways — was about to crumble as well.

But just as the thoughts started creeping up on her, the doors opened again and in came a familiar tall man with bright green eyes — she saw those eyes every single time she looked at her reflection in the mirror.

She stood up from her seat, and met Brooks' gaze. He looked at her with a growing smile and an unbelievable expression, like she was something he had only heard of. And perhaps he had.

Liana whispered something in Brooks' ear and the smile on his face turned into a full fledged grin. "She's so big…" Seren heard him say and saw the fondness in his eyes just for her.

She swallowed hard and stepped towards them. She'd only taken three steps when Brooks rushed towards her and hugged her as tight as he could. Stunned, it took Seren several seconds to realize what was happening and once it dawned on her, she hugged him back and broke into tears.

~ 0 ~

77 years later.

There was supposed to have been a break. A real break, but all Steve ever saw was a pause before the next battle. Even when this one was lost, somehow there was still a battle within. One moment, their pager had stopped transmitting their signal and the next, they had come face to face with an unknown blonde woman hellbent on getting answers by any means necessary.

"Hey, hey, hey, HEY!" Steve managed to cut in between the blonde woman and Natasha before they went head to head with each other.

Banner was on the other side, trying to pull Natasha back with him while Rhodey tried pulling on the blonde woman's arm in vain. The moment she felt his hand around her arm, she shoved him back. Steve only just caught him before he fell and with his assisting tech around his legs, it would not bode well to have another injury.

"Alright everyone ENOUGH!" Steve yelled over the entire room, freezing the group in their tracks.

The blonde woman shook off Banner's hand and stepped towards Steve, repeating her question again. "Where's Fury?"

"Hard topic to answer," Steve replied in the same cold tone. "But it'd be a lot easier if you stopped the hostility."

The woman scowled at him and the others. "That" — she pointed back at the pager — "is the pager I gave to Fury for emergencies. It went off all of a sudden and we raced back here and he's not here. So," she strode up to Steve, leaving them face to face, "where is he?"

Steve didn't appreciate the faint accusation in her voice. He didn't understand why this woman was on the receiving end of that pager except that Fury had to have a reason. Plus, it was their only other option right now. If it wasn't the pager, then they had nothing left to fight against Thanos. Bearing that in mind, he relaxed his voice and started again.

"Something's happened to Fury and we found this pager with no idea who was on the other side," he explained slowly, "We didn't know it was you."

"Who are you?" Natasha beat him to the punch.

The woman flipped her head back, glaring at Natasha. "I'm Carol Danvers, who the hell are you?"

"Hey," Steve called and got her attention again. "We're on the same side."

"Mm, I don't know you," Carol countered. "So who the hell are you?" she punctured her words sharply.

"Fair enough," Steve nodded, "We are on the same side. My name's St—"

"Steve?"

Steve froze in his spot. This wouldn't be the first time he imagined that sweet voice calling to him and during these hard times, it wouldn't be surprising if he imagined it to ease his nerves. But this time it was different. This time, Carol Danvers in front of him looked around him, her lips curling into a frown as she muttered 'you were supposed to do a reconnaissance'. If she spoke to the voice, then the voice was real and not in his head like it had been for years.

But Carol's partner seemed to have ignored it in favor of walking a few steps, at least that's what Steve heard before he finally turned around and got the wind knocked out of him. She couldn't be a figment of his imagination this time, not if someone else had acknowledged her presence…

"Seren?"

[mercy-misrule]

Having a real mental revelation that oh nooo I actually got in consistent trouble all through school

I was just talking to my sister about that poll yesterday and was like oh I just had incidents around me, never got in real trouble

And she said, " Erinna, you got in trouble for your entire school time. You refused to do any homework ever, and then told the teachers that you were never going to do it."

And I'm like, oh yeah, and I never did. And I did tell teachers, with no room for negotiation and it didn't matter the subject, or if I liked the the teacher

Or how old I was. I started articulating my refusal at the age of 8

But I was also reading anything and everything I could

I read all through my classes, and I read so fast, I would read assigned books during class and finish them twice over during a single session

You couldn't get me to lift a pen out of class, and honestly I stopped doing in class work as well

But I passed my exams and tests based purely on how much I read

My sister is a teacher and she says that both her and I were definitely noticeable and consistent problems, just not aggressive ones.

Also both of us never shut up in class, both of us answered questions whenever one was asked of the entire class, but we were right

I kind of made my own education experience and school was incidental

Again, I went to a very bad school, where behaviour management and control was more important than education. And being a nonviolent person who did their own thing to an extreme degree I guess wasnt an issue

...I did stop going to math class in year 10 and just went into a friend's English class, so I was doing two English classes, and the teacher stopped mentioning it as an issue after the second time

Probably just glad I had returned to school as a whole

Because I also stopped going to school for week long chunks at 15. And I was a chronic absentee in general

...And when I was 11 I did once get told I would get detention and then stopped coming on Tuesday, when detention ran. And after the second Tuesday the teacher asked me if I was going to keep being absent if I still had to do it

And I said, straight up, yes, and then he cancelled my detention

Tbf, I was doing it because it was an unfair thing, and he knew it

Because he'd given it to me when I'd had a breakdown and was scream crying unstoppably and he said 'if you don't stop crying, you'll have to go to time out ' (time out was the official name for detention in my primary school)

But also I didn't have any fear of authority, because it genuinely didn't matter to me. What could a teacher do that meant anything vs the nightmare mess of my home life, you know?

And the moment I ever heard anyone lose their temper or even raise their voice, I wrote them off as a person.

Anyway, anyway. TL;DR I was actually consistently a source of frustration as a student

My sister said that teachers even spoke to her about me, asking why I wouldn't do homework. I didn't know that! Wild.

[a-flaming-idiot]

2023 AO3 Wrapped

Made by @floydsin

How many words have you written this year?  189,786 words! GODDAMN!! I didn't know I had that in me.

How many works did you publish this year? 11 fics.

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?  Titan Spawn. It is my most popular but I think that comes from the passion I've put into it. It's been a lot of fun and a huge crowing experience that I hope to continue into the New Year.

What work of yours has the most hits?  Titan Spawn

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?  Again, I gotta say Titan Spawn. My friends will tell you the same, it was meant to just be a silly twoshot to get me out of my winter funk. Then everyone's love for it turned it into what it is now.

Favorite title you used? Caught In A Multimouse Trap. It's simple and cute.

If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most? I didn't really use any song lyrics. And even the ones I did were really just random and sporatic with no trend to them.

Pairing you wrote the most for this year?  I guess either Willuz or Alyanette. Willuz because technically all of Titan Spawn is considered Willuz even though they've had little screentime. And Alyanette has featured in like 2 1/2 of my fics. Though except for one it's mostly a background thing again. I don't do much shipping anymore.

Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?  Amivee since it's so out of left field but works very well in Titan Spawn.

What work was the quickest to write?  A Kitten's Responsibility. Wrote it in an afternoon in between my family's Christmas Eve-Eve party.

What work took you the longest to write?  I'd say chapters 10-11 of Titan Spawn. They were meant to be one chapter but split off into two due to their raw size. Took me most of the summer and over 30K words.

How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?  Three I still intend to finish. A BNA Swap AU I'm mostly done with, just haven't found it in me to get past the festival scene. A miraculous fic where Adrien/Chat Noir thinks Ladybug and Marinette are dating. Just stuck on the specifics of one scene but I intend to finish. And another one with Gabriel mentoring Marinette back from September I similarly just haven't found it in me to finish despite being 75% done.

What’s your longest work of the year?  Titan Spawn again... 145,769 words.

What’s your shortest work of the year?  Hush Little Tanuki. Makes sense. It was originally gonna be a chapter of another larger fic that went belly up.

What WIP are you taking into next year with you? See 12.

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?  "Hurt/Comfort"... honestly I shouldn't be surprised.

Your favorite character to write this year?  Definitely Vee. Specifically in Titan Spawn. She got so little screen time in the show but was so fun to make her even sassier and have her be more of the older sister to Luz and King. But Titan Spawn Luz was fun with all her quirks and I was happy to write Multimosue right at the finish line.

The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?  I'mma say most of the kwamis. They all have really vague personalities that were hard to really get while writing. Especially when I was new to the fandom. (Still kinda am.)

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?  I guess Amivee just because it's rare and funny. But again, not really going into the year with shipping on the mind.

Which work of yours have you reread the most?  Titan Spawn since it's so long and I do like to occasionally look back at older chapters. But by the end it felt like Caught In A Multimouse Trap. I kinda skimped out on editing near the end just because I was frustrated with having read it so much both for editing and just catching myself up after breaks.

How many kudos in total did you get this year?  1,275 Kudos.

Which work has the most comments?  Titan Spawn. Obviously the biggest and caught everyone right at the peak of the TOH fandom near the finale.

Did you do any collaborative works this year? Yes. @sashonya helped me a lot with Titan Spawn and we collaborated on Beast Or Man? (How Should I Know?) & No Sight, All Heart. plus Beta reading and helping to brainstorm Heart Of Aspiration.

Did you write any gifts this year?  No Really.

Did you receive any gifts this year?  No

What’s your most common category?  Gen with a few Teen.

What do you listen to while writing?  Not much really. Sometimes I listen to whatever music is hitting my fancy at the time or like a video essay, but I regularly pause or tune it out when I get into the motions.

Favorite work you wrote this year? That is near impossible to choose. I love all my wretched children! (Otherwise I don't finish making them) But if forced to choose, probably Titan Spawn and Caught In A Multimosue Trap. Though maybe that last one was just cause it's so recent. But I really love Multimouse and had fun writing her tiny and cute.

Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?  I have written way too much to choose. I really do like most of what I made.

Biggest surprise while writing this year?  Titan Spawn taking off. Really I meant for it to just be a quick peak into a possible AU since I was in my winter funk. But people loved it so much and Sash really inspired me to add more to it. And now we have the goliath we got now.

[nucanitickles]

Morvay Gets Got Drabble + Headcanons

Eiden had to admit, Morvay's first attack was an accident.

He had been concerned for Morvay - his state of constant hunger could not be comfortable - and had decided to offer himself up to the incubus. "Whatever you need," he had said, and Aster had simply sighed, stating that he would prepare several energy replenishing potions, whatever that meant.

To be fair, he had been drained absolutely dry. He had heard that Morvay had pushed people into vegetative states due to his hunger, and he reckoned it was only because of his high sex drive (sorry, high essence count in Klein) that he was even able to stay awake right now. But even as he sipped on an incredibly bitter energy potion, he couldn't find it in him to regret it.

Morvay's head lay in his now-clothed lap, still and calm in a very unusual way. His eyes were half-closed in relaxation, a lazy smile curling at his lips as one hand cradled his bloated stomach. He seemed to be revelling in the feeling of finally being full, and he looked so blissed out that Eiden couldn't help but feel happy.

So when his hand slipped down to stroke Morvay's hair, it was with purely innocent intentions. Morvay seemed to enjoy it too, if his happy hums and nuzzling into Eiden's hand were anything to go by.

But when Eiden's hands drifted over those little horns of his, his smile turned up too high to be natural, and he squirmed a little, biting his lip.

"Oh?" Eiden couldn't help but grin, gently stroking his fingers over the base of his horns again, "What's this then?"

Morvay squirmed again, a small whimper leaving his mouth as he did it again. It didn't seem to be quite enough to make him laugh though, so Eiden tapped his fingers down the Incubus's face, poking his nose playfully and laughing as it scrunched up. His fingers fluttered down to Morvay's neck, where the man actually let out a little squeak and burst into quiet giggles.

"You're so cute," Eiden mumbled, grinning as Morvay's cheeks burned red, "Normally I'd absolutely wreck you, but I think you're too full right now for that to end in anything but throwing up..."

He chuckled as Morvay whined, moving to tickle him under the chin. "Oh? Would you like that? Is that why both your feet and stomach are out to the world, hmm? Just ready for someone to attack you whenever they wish?" He moved down to Morvay's stomach, scratching at his sides and ribs to hear him squeal a little before returning to the gentle tickles.

"Don't worry. I'll keep it gentle for today, since you've been such a good boy." The incubus seemed to light up with pride at that statement, even though he was giggling up a storm. Eiden smiled indulgently as he used his other hand to card through his hair, leaning down to press a kiss to Morvay's blushing nose.

"I'm still gonna wreck your shit the next time I see you though."

💜💜💜💜💜

💜 I see Morvay as a lee-leaning switch, although he hasn't got much experience in that department. Man's been in a mansion with Aster and Huey for his life, and while there wasn't much tickling with Huey around, after he left do you really think Aster would let Morvay get him?

💜 So Morvay has most experience being a lee and go be fair he does enjoy it. Morvay loves being wrecked in general, let's be real. Probably turns it v kinky. But, and hear me out, tickling him gently completely throws him off and it turns him into this soft puddle of goo who's not quite sure what to do with himself? Have you given his character a headpat on the screen!? I can't help it he needs hugs and soft tickles he's too cute 🥺

💜 In terms of ticklishness, I reckon Morvay's up there. Probably not as sensitive as some of the others, but a solid 8/10. Most ticklish spots for me would be that incubus mark of his, his underarms and possibly his ribs? Idk he just gives off those vibes.

💜 Thrasher. Be careful when attacking - he kicks and punches and this succubus is very strong so it will cause damage.

💜 As a ler, let's be real, he's pretty pants, but Eiden is taking him under his wing and teaching him how to tickle and stuff. He's very enthusiastic - he likes to use his tail to poke and prod to get lees riled up before he pounces.

[kenobster]

6 and 13 for the unhinged star wars meme pls

Your Pal’s Star Wars Ask Game

Thank you for the ask friend!!!

6. What is your favorite Star Wars meme?

Lmao, I spent an unhealthy amount of time scrolling google images the other night to refresh my memory on the memes available. ‘Twas worth it because I remembered my absolute two favorites!!!

The I Could Fix Him meme applied to Anakin. Apparently I never reblogged this, but it’s been the subject of many of my conversations lmao.

Anything involving the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise. Pretty much any of them slay me dead, but here’s some notable examples:

The one about "Kids These Days"

The one where Anakin flunked a Jedi course

The one about proper theater performance etiquette 

And then of course the totally off-topic ones, like the heirloom seeds one

Honorable shoutouts go to any meme about Obi-Wan being a slut (example); this specific “unwell about this man” variant; ILU vs IDLSICARAIAIGE; the Jedi Council Chamber Master Tantrum memes (first example, second example); and the classic Anakin & Padme Four-Panel.

13. What is your earliest Star Wars memory?

Star Wars was pretty much my first hyperfixation (not sure which came first, that or LOTR). I had a very active imagination as a kid. So I was reading the Jedi Apprentice series by Jude Watson, and I, like any kid, played pretend that the Force was real. I got super into Jedi philosophy. In fact, I prided myself on being able to not cry out whenever I stubbed my toe or some such because I would acknowledge the pain and “let it wash over me” like in those books. My pain tolerance skyrocketed and lasts even to this day, haha. 

Sound kinda weird but generally like the typical fun kid stuff, right? Well, funny you should say that (at least, funny to me XD). Because believing in the Force (you know, the way kids do) meant that I also believed it was possible to sense when things go wrong. Which, when combined with my active imagination, meant that if kid!me got, say, a Bad Feeling, then kid!me would believe that something bad was actually happening (or that something bad was about to happen). And I’m pretty sure some of y’all are already whipping out your DSM-V copies and crossing off the criteria for Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). And you would be absolutely correct. 

One particular afternoon, while at swimming lessons, I (an 8-10 year old) got the Worst Bad Feeling Ever (which I now understand was a panic attack but really had no idea that's what it was and didn't know to tell anyone). Something felt seriously wrong to me. I actually had to stop swimming that day because I was terrified I was going to drown—which was freakishly unusual for me. Like, I can’t even begin to explain how much I do not have a fear of water. I not only love to swim... I was actually an incredibly good swimmer. At that point, my next step would have been to start competing! But that afternoon, I was terrified like I'd never been. 

Coincidentally, it turns out that my grandmother (who had been planning to surprise us by showing up at our swimming lessons that day) had gotten in a really bad car accident and needed to be taken to the ER by ambulance. She ended up fine, but… suffice to say, this experience did not help to slow down my growing belief in Force powers… nor my rapidly developing GAD. :’) 

I actually quit swimming not long after this experience, partly because I continued to have what kid!me didn’t know were breathing-related panic attacks while I swam. After a few weeks, the panic attacks stopped (for twenty years anyway), but by then, I had become interested in other things. Plus, I was going through a depressive episode at the time (again, kid!me was completely unaware of this and did not know to explain to anyone what was going on). Funnily enough, this depressive episode was also jumpstarted by a Jude Watson book. I literally remember sitting alone under a tree on the playground, crying to myself, and wondering what "the point of life" was... as an 8-10 year old. All because I’d just finished reading the book where Siri Tachi dies. Can’t make this shit up, hahaha.

Anyway, so those are my first memories of Star Wars. XD And I guess you can feel bad for me if u want, but personally I find it hilarious lol. In some way or another, I’ve always been fucked up about these men.

[made-ofmemories]

Trope rating game

Tagged by @ladydorian05

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic? -10 -> very dissuaded  0 - don’t care either way  +10 -> very enticed  nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged.  Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

Age gap +1

Meh. I wouldn't not click, but everyone has to be over 18 and it's not something I really look for.

Codependency +9

Oh I LOVE some codependency. Make them unhinged, make them unable to cope without each other. YES.

Obsession/possessiveness, jealousy +5

It really depends on the fic. I do like it but as long as it doesn't go too far, once it starts getting into the realm of being toxic then I'm not really interested.

Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc) +9

This has been literally ever ship I've ever had I think.

Enemies to lovers, enemies with benefits +7

I enjoy it but don't really go looking for it.

Friends with benefits +5

This wasn't really my thing at all until I started reading Buddie fic and found some of the absolute best friends with benefits fics I have ever read and now, yeah I can appreciate a good fwb fic.

Sex to feelings +5

Again, same experience as the above, didn't used to be my thing then I read some really great fics and now I appreciate it a lot more

Fake dating/relationship +100

I basically live on the fake dating ao3 tag. 100% yes, this is one of my favorite tropes I've never read a fake dating fic I didn't love.

Friends to lovers +10

Love this one too!

Found family +100

This is up there with fake dating with how much I love it.

Hurt/comfort +10

So good.

Love triangle +1

Another meh. I can enjoy the drama of it sometimes but it has to be done right otherwise it's just frustrating. It wouldn't stop me from clicking on something, but I'm not out there looking for it either.

Poly, open relationship +3

Honestly just not something I've read a lot of but I'm not against it, I'd read it. I've just never really come across many fics with it in the circles I'm in.

Mistaken/hidden identity +9

I haven't read many fics with this but the only one I have read is The ordeal of dating your captain's (adopted) son by @the-amber-raven (please consider this your no pressure tag to do this also) so I'm going to leave Liz's recomendation there because it is really great!!

Monsterfucking 0

Not against it, not really out there looking for it either.

Pregnancy -5

Really not my thing 90% of the time.

Second chance +3

It really depends on the circumstance and the fic but this can be so good.

Slowburn +10

Most of what I read is slow burn I love it.

Soulmates -5

In a general just 'they were meant for each other' way yes 100%, but soulmate au's haven't ever really been my thing I don't tend to read them unless the description really catches my eye.

Tagging (I have no idea who has already done this) -

@nmcggg @forthewolves @your-catfish-friend