#but god its tough to be put in a situation so complex and have to make a split decision while being completely overwhelmed

[frost-eyed-autumn]

Its been a long and winding year returning to tumblr in a more dedicated fashion for the first in a long while (not since 2019, yeesh! Time flies), but I can't really say I regret it at all!

With all its ups and a couple of downs, I've regained some of that old spark I used to have being in the RPC again and I really just wanted to do something paying it forward even if just in a small way -- so I'm doing a little something that used to be a common end-of-the-year tradition back during the golden years of the old RPC I used to romp in!

There's nothing anyone else has to do in return, this is just me giving a little bit of appreciation to all the people who have given me a reason to be here and really let me enjoy myself here again!

So one way or another, this is just a thank you to ALL of my mutuals who've made my time here a little bit brighter! Here's to a hopefully even better 2025!

@starsburned / @stormslullaby / @eiinn-ulfr

Cor, my bruhloved. Every list has to have you on it, naturally. I wouldn't even be here writing right now if you hadn't been the one to convince me to pick up Chuuya. Its hard to believe how close we're getting to the 8 year mark since we've officially become friends. I genuinely don't know where I'd be without you. You helped pick me up when I was at my lowest in the old fandom where we met, and that first time you let me vent to you, I really just thought you would be another person who was here today, gone tomorrow. But now you've woven yourself so deeply into my daily routine that I can't imagine anything less than having you part of my life. You're such an amazing person despite all of the absolute bullshit you've gone through daily that no one should have to suffer through, and I'm proud of you for still chugging along no matter how hard everything gets and how much you've grown and continue to grow. And more than just that, you're such an amazing writer to boot. You dedicate so much to every muse you pick up, whether it be a canon or an OC, and craft every one of them masterfully. From Rune to Dazai to Verlaine to Mori and all your other billions of muses (you fucking muse gremlin(affectionate)), none of them ever disappoint and I love seeing how passionate you are about all of them, whether it be in your writings or just your daily ramblings. Nothing would be the same without you here.

@memoryextrction

Things are still a bit new between us but I can say with full, genuine honesty you are one of the most pleasant people I've had the pleasure of getting to know! And I've had a lot of people come in and out of my life, most of them people that quickly showed they weren't good for me, so that's a compliment that doesn't come lightly from me, distant and critical person that I am about new faces. Even if I'm old and tired and can't always keep up with your energy, I always love seeing your messages and interacting with you, and just your overall maturity and decency as a person despite how young you still are and all of the shit you go through and struggle with on a daily basis. I only wish there were more people who could bring your kind of wholesome vibes to the world because the world seriously needs more people like you. And of course, your writing! The thing that got us interacting in the first place. I love our interactions so much and how much passion you put behind your muses, especially the characters who basically had nothing in their original series and really made them your own. I love the nuance and complexity and love you breathe into your 2-minute-screen-time muses and really give them the attention they deserve, and by god do they make for some of my favorite interactions of all time.

@nohumaen / @crimcpnish

We've only really begun to start talking in earnest, but I'm glad we have! Its rare that I'm pleasantly surprised by people, especially in dealing with tough situations, but you are one of those few people, and its a real breath of fresh air, let me tell you. I'm genuinely happy to have started writing with and getting to know you, and not just because your Kouyou (and Higuchi, and Fyodor) is fucking amazing, although that certainly helps! Your humor always gives me a good laugh, and overall I just really enjoy your company and don't regret at all bringing you into our little circle of friends. I'm wishing the best for you and those you keep closest!

@vulpesly

We don't write nearly as much as I'd like to these days, but just having you still around and part of my experience at all means more than I can rightly express. I always love our small exchanges and seeing Jono and Tachihara on the dash, and just how much care you put into your portrayals! Even just seeing your little rambles about other things like video games lightens my day a little. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your experience as well.

@inciteafflatus / @skilledsenses

Tenka! The bonafied cryptid of my circle of people. Its always a pleasure to see you around and your Ranpo is always so *chef's kiss* (even if Chuuya wants to yeet him through a ceiling every time). You're always so funny and pleasant to talk to, in the rare instances you make your cryptid appearances, and I'm glad to know you and always share in a good few laughs!

@ripheart / @beastlit

I know this year has been pretty rough on you, and I'm holding out hope that things get a lot better moving into the new year! I've really enjoyed what few exchanges we've had when we both have the energy to carry a conversation, and your amazing writings always leave me biting at the bit waiting for your next carefully crafted reply! Your Yosano is so beautifully portrayed and on-point I could swear she was written by Asagiri himself, and I really look forward to seeing more of her when life finally cuts you a break enough to return!

@eternalstarlights

Going to be honest, at one point I wasn't sure if we were ever going to meaningfully interact, but now that we have a couple things started I'm really glad we do! I'm really enjoying the little things we have going on between Kunikida and Ember and I especially really look forward to seeing how things develop with Ember because she and Chuuya honestly just seem like such a natural-born team to have working together and bonding over blowing things up!

@flamesignite / @hughesxmaes

We don't do a whole ton of direct interactions but seeing the constant shenanigans and total crack energy on my dash (at poor Roy's expense) is always a fun time even from the sidelines and is just about always guaranteed to get a laugh or two out of me. Keep doing what you're doing cuz its honestly such a joy to see!

@kitxkatrp

I'm really enjoying the little interactions we have going so far between Chuuya and Dazai and Mori! Its always fun having Double Black stirring up shit with each other and I definitely never have any complaints getting to throw Chuuya at a well written Mori!

@gyofukuki

Its a bit of a shame we don't get to interact more cuz you honestly just give me lots of good vibes whenever you're around! Though I totally get it with not being able to be around as much as you'd like to. I haven't forgotten the couple of things we managed to get started and I'm really looking forward to continuing them when you do manage to find the time to be back here properly!

@galaxy-0f-muses

It took us a while to really kick things off but I couldn't be happier that we finally have! I'm super enjoying the little thread we have going with Atsushi and Chuuya right now and I'm definitely interested to see how things will play out with Yosano once that thread finds its stride too! Here's to some hopefully fun, ongoing interactions because I'm really digging them so far!

@frozcnlight

We've only just started to really get things rolling, but I'm already enjoying the dynamic going on between Chuuya and Miran quite a bit! She's such an interesting contrast to Chuuya in a way that's bound to spark some interesting interactions between them. What those interactions will be, I'm not really sure yet, but exploring that and seeing where it goes has definitely caught my interest!

@spezialistin / @kokyuchusei

I always love seeing people giving some of the less recognized / appreciated characters of a series some love and attention, especially some of the strong female characters, and so far you really do immense justice to writing Higuchi! We may only have one little thread going at the moment but already it has me rolling around a ton of possibilities and ideas that I'm really looking forward to playing around with and hopefully I can inspire the same!

@ofdraiocht

Its good to finally get the ball rolling on something after being distant mutuals for so long and I'm definitely enjoying and looking forward to the interaction we have going between Chuuya and Odasaku! I always love playing around different timelines like Dark Era and what Chuuya's relationship might be to some of the characters we don't really get to see him interact with much in canon.

@voracitys

Its always nice to have a new face to write with and explore new possibilities and I definitely haven't been disappointed! I know Gin is still a bit of a new muse for you trying her out but what little we've written so far I'm really enjoying and love how you write her and look forward to seeing how these two develop! Especially being both Chuuya and Gin coming from somewhat similar backgrounds, even if she doesn't realize it yet, so there's a whole lot of potential there for the both of them that I'm eager to see play out!

@koriningyou

We're still kind of finding our stride in actually writing something together and kind of talked about that already, but trust me, I notice all the little Likes you leave on my posts and I really appreciate those small, daily affirmations that you're reading and wanting to interact! And I seriously appreciate it every time and look forward to once we get some momentum going on IC interactions as well!

@muses-of-kira / @alchemic-elric

We haven't really gotten to write much yet for obvious reasons but that doesn't mean I don't look forward to it! I'm wishing you a speedy recovery for your hand and I look forward to being able to write something once its better!

And just for following back this silly blog of mine at all, even if we haven't really interacted much (yet!)

@cursedlane || @seraphynm || @fullmxtal-elrich / @zodixcsorangekxtten / @cryptxd-laboratxry || @bookmcde || @doppogin || @cherrygardn || @pocketfulofgalaxies || @diverse-hearts-ocs || @rowanberryhub / @goeticedda || @ficryfingcrs || @paramythas || @avarlclouss || @mused-like-roses || @devouund / @vieaccorde / @straypaged / @yashabana || @teruoku || @hellshovnd

[notedchampagne]

FUCKING HATEEEEEEEEEEEE FANDOM. like i love fandom but i HATE FANDOM. HARROWHARK IS NOT YOUR PATHETIC WET CAT SHE’S NOT A GREMLIN SHE’S NOT YOUR LITTLE MEOW MEOW. STOP IT RN. SHE’S AN INCREDIBLY CAPABLE NECROMANCER AND AN AMAZINGLY INTELLIGENT PERSON WHO JUST HAPPENED TO BE PUT IN AN INCREDIBLY TOUGH SITUATION. she’s fucking 18 y’all. she did what she could and do you know what? she did well for being completely out of her depth and EIGHTEEN GOD FUCJING DAMMIT. i hate it when characters get boiled down to one fandomable aspect of themselves especially in a fandom with such prolific writers and artists (that’s you!) it literally happens with every character. ianthe is not your cool suave boyfriend she’s a desperate young woman. pyrrha is not your dom mommy she’s just been put into a situation where she is surrounded by children. dulcie? guess what: she exists. gideon isn’t a golden retriever silly boy she’s a complex and capable person. gideon the first isn’t some angry dog he’s loyal to his brother that killed him twice over. paul is a cool and interesting character that i want to see more of. I FUCKING HATE THE FANDOMIZATION OF CHARACTERS JESUS CHRISTTTTTTTTTTT KILL ME NOWWW ACTUALLY GOINT INSANE. anyway rant over sorry i dont have any friends that have read tlt so i have to resort to going insane on anon

this was a fun surprise to receive. that aside i Do agree with you it seems very much like the nature of fandom to fall into stereotypes and tropes for characters because its easier to make content when there is a type of script to follow + its more effort to always dissect things and rebuild them for every au scenario. alas everything is always nicer when you can make your own little circle of people to discuss with

[frogmagog]

Some Thoughts on Demonic Cults

I have a certain fascination with the ideology underpinning demonic cults in fantasy worlds. I won’t claim there’s any terribly profound reason - I don’t think imagining a cult of Juiblex really says something meaningful about the darkness in our souls or the underpinning psychology of real-life cults or anything like that. But I find it a very fun exercise, in the pure sense of fantasy imagination, to consider what circumstances, ideas, or experiences would drive someone to embrace values usually seen as perfectly evil.

It’s also just good game design. To illustrate why, I’m reminded of a campaign I played in sometime ago, running Out of the Abyss. We entered a city, and we were warned of The Pudding King - a gnomish acolyte of Juiblex who was threatening the city. I was playing a manipulative, cunning, and incredibly physically fragile (I had specifically taken lower Con than was usually allowed) Warlock. For several sessions after learning about our upcoming enemy, I worked to learn more about the man who became The Pudding King - his motives, his past, and his possible weaknesses. I was excited to take advantage of planning and manipulation to get the better of the enemy, where sheer force might put me in danger. But the Pudding King had no past. 

Now I don’t blame the GM for this really, it was their first campaign, and they simply ran it according to the book. And the book gave absolutely no reason behind The King’s turn to worship of ooze. He is simply insane (even listed as a feature in his statblock) and so he worships demons. My problem here is not that a demon worshipper needs complex, sympathetic, richly-realised motivations - it could be as simple as wanting power, or revenge, or wealth. But if you don’t give them something, then you totally cut off the potential for player interaction. If a cultist wants bloodshed, that informs what distractions, persuasive tactics or threats will or will not work against them. If a cultist wants nothing, then the cultist can only be overcome with bloodshed. To put it simply - this is boring.

Reading Against the Cult of the Reptile God, I was struck with how deep back this goes into D&D’s history. In this adventure, the Reptile God (a Spirit Naga named Explictica Defilus, which to be fair does rule as a name) is charming villagers into joining her cult. Through the device of supernatural charm, no other motive is necessary. This serves to keep the situation nice and tidy, more Invasion of the Body Snatchers than The Wicker Man - there are Good Villagers, and Evil Cultists. The former must be protected, and the latter must be defeated. This keeps the focus of the scenario straightforward, and avoids getting bogged down in the history of Orlane, the faith of Merikka, or any of the other things I’d probably spend far too many sessions on.

Still, I found throughout the whole module the only character who caught my attention in any real way was the one willing cultist: Derek Desleigh. He’s not the deepest character; he is evil, he is scarred, and he very much enjoys killing people. Despite this the very fact that he has chosen to work with the cultists makes him fascinating to me. His motive seems to just be hoarding embezzled funds from the town while he can, and getting out when the going gets tough. But it raises so many interesting possibilities - is he disgusted by Explictica? Respectful? Dismissive? Do any of the other cultists suspect his dubious motives? Could he be persuaded to aid the PCs, if convinced it was the safer bet? Even the sliver of a motive and a background adds so much potential intrigue. Its not about moral nuance - Desleigh is probably the most personally evil character in the village - but it provides texture, and I believe texture is the essence of good scenario design.

Even Explictica herself is given no real motive for her actions. She collects treasure, and feeds, and is growing her cult, but whether she collects treasure for hoarding or for use is unclear, as is her endgame once she owns all of Orlane. Again, this is fine, I don’t need her to be much more than a boss, and the simplicity of this kind of adventure can be pleasantly straightforward. Still, I find I wish we got just a little of what worship she demands.

[stevie-petey]

Can I just say I love how you write bug. In quite a few Steve Harrington fics, everything is always about the reader. Instead you made her selfless, I love that every situation doesn't revolve around her. Instead of needing to be saved constantly she'll risk everything for the people she loves and it's not just to set up a weird romantic tension scene where someone else has to risk their life to save her. Bug isn't reckless, she's smart and lovely. She just wants to help. I love how you write the other characters too. You don't change their personality to add to the plot, you write them in a very realistic sense. In so many fics other women characters are made the villain to cause issues or add angst, you write in a way where no one is the bad guy. It's just teens making mistakes and being put in tough and stressful situations. It's a very complex situation and they don't have the emotional intelligence yet to handle the situation. Yet they still work it out and try to be forgiving. Also how you wrote Billy's death, oh my God that was so amazing. The fact that Billy probably tried to find bug before the mindflayer fully took over. He truly believed bug could help him. After everything he did, she still offered her help, and he trusted her despite everything that had happened to him. You wrote that with such beauty and grace. Imagine part of bugs vecna nightmare thing is Billy calling out begging for help and no matter what she can't reach him.

this ask made me :')))) i LOVE U !!!! i love writing bug, i love her character and who i created. shes truly my baby, i adore her, and it always makes me so happy that other people adore her as well <3

you nailed everything perfectly btw. come home, at its core, really is just about being a kid and growing up. growing up is hard !!! we all make mistakes !!! all we can do is be kind to one another !!! this has been my over-reaching arc !!! its also made writing the other characters so fun for me. i get to study them, think of why steve fell so hard for nancy so fast, or why nancy carries such a weight in her to be perfect, or why jonathan cant communicate to anyone. its given me a deeper appreciation of the characters and i love em dearly.

and i was really proud of the billy and bug scene. it truly reflected both characters in a new light. bug, at her core, is selfless even if it hurts her in the end. billy, he was a scared young boy. he came into the world that way and he died that way and hurt people in the process. its a tragedy and i didnt want to frame it any way else.

[twilightichor]

𝐂𝐋𝐗. The belief in the Abyss has been established in Khaenri'ah for a very long time, born from the obsessions with the gods and to one day overthrow them with little regard for the people outside the kingdom as their "enemies", just for living under The Seven. This reverence to the Abyss was further intensified when Khaenri'ah was going through a tough spot for undetermined reasons, although one of them could easily be the fall of King Irmin as the last one of the Blacksun / Eclipse dynasty.

However, not everything was done out of wrong intentions. It's only natural that in a hostile environment would lead to the need for investigation of that which makes the location dangerous in order to protect themselves and to create medicines as a means to build resistance to the Abyss.

While this blind belief isn't exclusive to the native Khaenri'ahns, as it would spread to those who come from other nations that adapted extremists mindsets too, it brought unrest in the society with the excessive experimentation to the point of using a source of energy dangerous for everyone's health and the suspicious apparitions of monsters despite the fact that the borders were well-guarded by Black Serpents and automatons alike.

When people started to be more vocal about their discontentment with the situation surrounded the Abyss, outsiders were first to be blamed and thus were regarded as people who haven't abandoned yet their faith or too obtuse to not accept these "better ways" Khaenri'ah had. The Abyss continued to be a mystery even to nobles and highly restricted, but the issues it caused were to big to not be noticeable. And among the outsiders that were genuinely concerned were also native Khaenri'ahns that disliked the route the society was going. Just like people of other nations wanted nothing to do with the gods and have peaceful lives without worrying about divine judgement, so was the case of some natives of Khaenri'ah.

The arrogance and superiority-complex of many from the high sphere of aristocracy led them to believe that outsiders were still below them and that all the natives have the same mindset as they have. At first, only Black Serpents in keeping in mind the citizens' safety in combination to their own beliefs that what was happening is wrong were the ones who verbalized aloud the unrest, and they ran the risk of being put down by the hands of Black Serpent Knights. But to the surprise of those who fell a long time ago into these obsessions, it wasn't the case and it's because the Black Serpent Knights who supported them and other Khaenri'ahn natives that weren't afraid anymore of voicing their agitation that those who were at the helm of the Abyss as a new religion had to back down and eventually continue their reverence and experimentation clandestinely.

And for some time, it actually worked and people believed that things could only get better from that point onwards, with those who were deep into their obsession for the Abyss now falsely-presumed to have stopped their endeavors until Lumine descended to Khaenri'ah in answer to the wishing ritual that the devotion for the Abyss started to boil again from its clandestine status until everything exploded with the cataclysm.

[reginrokkr]

𝐂𝐋𝐗. The belief in the Abyss has been established in Khaenri'ah for a very long time, born from the obsessions with the gods and to one day overthrow them with little regard for the people outside the kingdom as their "enemies", just for living under The Seven. This reverence to the Abyss was further intensified when Khaenri'ah was going through a tough spot for undetermined reasons, although one of them could easily be the fall of King Irmin as the last one of the Blacksun / Eclipse dynasty.

However, not everything was done out of wrong intentions. It's only natural that in a hostile environment would lead to the need for investigation of that which makes the location dangerous in order to protect themselves and to create medicines as a means to build resistance to the Abyss.

While this blind belief isn't exclusive to the native Khaenri'ahns, as it would spread to those who come from other nations that adapted extremists mindsets too, it brought unrest in the society with the excessive experimentation to the point of using a source of energy dangerous for everyone's health and the suspicious apparitions of monsters despite the fact that the borders were well-guarded by Black Serpents and automatons alike.

When people started to be more vocal about their discontentment with the situation surrounded the Abyss, outsiders were first to be blamed and thus were regarded as people who haven't abandoned yet their faith or too obtuse to not accept these "better ways" Khaenri'ah had. The Abyss continued to be a mystery even to nobles and highly restricted, but the issues it caused were to big to not be noticeable. And among the outsiders that were genuinely concerned were also native Khaenri'ahns that disliked the route the society was going. Just like people of other nations wanted nothing to do with the gods and have peaceful lives without worrying about divine judgement, so was the case of some natives of Khaenri'ah.

The arrogance and superiority-complex of many from the high sphere of aristocracy led them to believe that outsiders were still below them and that all the natives have the same mindset as they have. At first, only Black Serpents in keeping in mind the citizens' safety in combination to their own beliefs that what was happening is wrong were the ones who verbalized aloud the unrest, and they ran the risk of being put down by the hands of Black Serpent Knights. But to the surprise of those who fell a long time ago into these obsessions, it wasn't the case and it's because the Black Serpent Knights who supported them and other Khaenri'ahn natives that weren't afraid anymore of voicing their agitation that those who were at the helm of the Abyss as a new religion had to back down and eventually continue their reverence and experimentation clandestinely.

And for some time, it actually worked and people believed that things could only get better from that point onwards, with those who were deep into their obsession for the Abyss now falsely-presumed to have stopped their endeavors until Lumine descended to Khaenri'ah in answer to the wishing ritual that the devotion for the Abyss started to boil again from its clandestine status until everything exploded with the cataclysm.

[teacherintransition]

I’ve No Accent, It’s Y’all Fellas That Have An Accent

Apparently I sound more southern than my ears heard

If I could go back and do my collegiate studies differently, I’m quite certain I would study linguistics and study languages. There’s always been a sense of excitement and some ease in picking up languages, connections among different languages and an ability to mimic the accents of various regions. There was much entertainment to be had to be able to recreate various accents. My Russian accent was really coming along one year and I used it exclusively in my last period class for a week immediately after the start of the school year. I had my last period class convinced I was a Russian immigrant come to educate American children.

There’s so much negativity when it comes to learning any other languages in this country besides English. “We talk MURICAN round here;” I’ve heard that comment or one like it dozens of times. It’s depressing to see people react hostilely to anything different. We don’t even overlook the linguistic differences in our own way of talking with each other. The last eight months has made that abundantly clear. You see, Kim and I are from the Dixie side of deep East Texas and apparently, we talk with a bit of a twang. I was not ignorant regarding that state of affairs, as per my interest in languages, accents and history and such. We’ve traveled extensively in Europe and would get the casual, “you’re American, you sound like a John Wayne movie.” It’s fun to engage in such repartee overseas, but when you get teased for sounding, “so southern,” in your own country, well, by god that ain’t right.

Temporarily residing in the Midwest, our southern twang sticks out like a sore thumb! I thought I had it under control; I felt I had a certain style of sophistication that tamped down my drawl. Oh not the case tiny dancer, that became clear early on in Columbia, Mo. A person walked by with their beautiful Yorkie pup. The pup sniffed me and I looked to the owner and asked, “may I ?” She replied, “oh yass my DOG loves the attention.” I smiled at her quaint midwestern, nasally reply. Then she asked if I had a DOG to which I boldly responded, “why yes’m…we all have three DAWGS and I luv em to heaven and back. Do Y’ALL have more’n one DAWG?” And there it was …the smile on her face and the giggled question, “where in the south are you from?”

Every region has its stereotype: California has its gnarly surfin’ dude, Canada has its ultra polite people who drive you crazy when they say, “eh” so often, NYC has the tough Brooklyn accent and Boston has the famous “southie “ accent. I love a smooth, soft spoken, southern drawl like I love hearing birds sing. What is an irritation that’s hard to handle is the assumption that goes along with that lovely southern sound is that we all are back woods, country-ass rubes who live on gizzards and corn bread (which is amazingly delicious). I did mention stereotypes….and all stereotypes originate from some grain of truth. We DO have such folks down here, hell, I’ve been one of those fellows at times in my life; but it’s not one out of three folks. You adapt and alter your impressions based on your audience. I grew up hunting, I fished with my dad and my sons, I’ve set out trot lines in shallow dirty rivers, I worked road construction, roofed houses, built cabinets and enjoyed being immersed in the community of hard working, decent, fun men who put up no pretense. Although, the ability to engage in pretense can be helpful.

We all seek the freedom of being ourselves whenever we choose, but life is complex and as Shakespeare said, “…men play many roles!” I had my department meeting persona, my parent conference persona, my high minded artist persona, my empathetic persona as well. They were all me, I was just adjusting to the situation. You are who you are in whatever situation you find yourself. Nowadays, we find ourselves strangers in strange lands having great times. I can still adjust my jargon to the situation at hand, but a lot of those complex circumstances don’t happen as often as they once did. I’m proud of my history, legacy and heritage…and my suave, debonair silky smooth southern drawl. If it’s a struggle, I’m lovin it!

[emmabee14]

if you weren't faced with a complex moral dilemma at your graduation did you really graduate?

[bornetoblood]

bloodborne questions time: in your mind what kept laurence going? why did he keep trying to administer the old blood to the public, even after he knew of its consequences? misguided compassion? sunk cost fallacy?? simply not giving a fuck??? good ol fashioned god complex???? something else entirely?????

everyone has a unique answer to this type of thing and its fascinating :)

OOOH this is a tough one! There are so many incredibly compelling answers to "why did Laurence do the things he did" and it's left beautifully unanswered in game. Personally, I like the interpretation that it's a little bit of all those things- a smorgasbord of compounding issues.

I think it's pretty safe to say that his intentions were originally 'good'. For all the Healing Church does horribly wrong it does provide safe, affordable medical care in an era where death and disease were a constant looming threat. Laurence originally wanting to give something good back to Yharnam and genuinely help just makes everything else that little more tragic IMO. Particularly if he knew about the Beast Side Effects (tm) but thought that medicinal care was more important or that he'd find a cure before it got too bad.

That said he's not innocent at all. From what we know the Research Hall was pretty early in the Chruch's life (or at least when it was at its height) and I wouldn't call anything in there virtuous. He can have good intentions and do awful things with them. The same thing applies to the Church's pushing of xenophobia towards Cainhurst. Like I personally read it as a strategic move on Laurence's part but the intentions behind bigotry don't fix the bigotry (specially cus it was the 'justification' the Church used for actual genocide!!!)

That said, I've talked about the value (or lack thereof) that Laurence places on human life before. He seems to care for people but levies this ultimate goal of ascension as much more important. This is something it seems like all the other Byrgenwerth Scholars share: be it Master Willem's influence, the kind of people that get accepted into the college, or just something in the water giving them delusions of grandeur. I can see this view, and Laurence's deliberate placing of himself as a religious leader in Yharnam, as developing into some sort of complex yeah. The "they don't know what's best for them. I'm enlightened to the truth! They may think me cruel now but when humanity ascends its flesh prison into the cosmos, then they'll understand" kinda thing.

Going on from that, all of Laurence's friends die or leave him and he eventually starts losing his memories. The translated lyrics to his theme imply a reluctance towards the blood at a certain point and I can see that being exasperated by the Burning of Old Yharnam or the Creation of the Dream or some other awful situation he put himself in. But at this point, he's been masquerading dictator for going on 2 decades and he can't just... dismantle his doctrine. That's where the sunk costs come in. He just has to double down. I can ABSOLUTELY see him becoming even more tyrannical in the last few years of his life.

Anyway, I see Laurence's motives as in a constant shift and change in reaction to his current standing. He's continually trying to justify something he knows is deeply harmful to both himself and others and it fucks with him.

[skipps-writes-for-gojo-satoru]

A short thread I found about Gojo's character that helps shine a light to how caring he is:

https://twitter.com/musikawu/status/1376984416485007363?s=19

Also, I actually just realized this recently after rewatching JJK that Gojo got super attached to Yuji really quickly. Gojo not only got very angry on his behalf but went out of his way to ask Nanami for help in caring for Yuji when he's supposed to be the strongest sorcerer. And at that time, Gojo made it clear to Nanami that he didn't ask him to do so due to Yuji's potential as a vessel. Gojo asked Nanami for this favor as an adult who wants to see the growth of a young man. Gojo was very precise in telling Nanami that he was looking not at Sukuna and Yuji's power, but at Yuji himself as not only an individual, but a child that needed nurturing and care. Before Yuji's death, Gojo had already even made preparations to have Yuta take care of Yuji cause he knew something might happen to him- even more development is that despite what Gojo says about himself, he's aware of his own flaws. What he appears to be on the outside is nothing like what he truly feels on the inside. He doesn't delude himself into narcissistic behavior that makes him unable to ask for help. He asks for help willingly and of his own accord- Yuta couldn't even fathom how the strongest sorcerer would face a problem he couldn't solve on his own, but Gojo does. Gojo is smart enough to know he needs to rely on others to move forward, and relying on someone means putting a certain amount of trust there. Gojo puts just as much faith in other people as he does himself, and the interesting part is that while it's more admirable to go out of your way to protect someone else, Gojo never brags about that. He only "brags" about things that will annoy the other person, but really he is only saying a commonly known "truth" in order to rile people up. It may sound like bragging- which it sort of is- but Gojo saying he's the strongest is not a lie. Him saying "I alone am the honoured one" is not necessarily a lie either. People don't call him the Strongest for nothing.

In fact, even more interestingly enough, besides Gojo, who includes Geto when people talk about the "strongest?" Despite being the definite "strongest," Gojo is the one who constantly says "We are the Strongest," not the other way around. He's also mature enough to recognize and point out other people's strengths, such as Mei Mei's, saying she is too strong to cry.

If Gojo truly was a narcissist, he would have mentioned everything else he's done for people, like stopping Megumi's sale to the Zenin clan and getting the Fushiguros financial aid. He could brag about being persuasive enough to save Yuji from execution or even saving Yuta from execution- Yuta becoming a special grade sorcerer soon after Gojo saved him is something you can easily brag about- but Gojo doesn't brag about his personal achievements at all- not in the way that demands respect from others, at least. Gojo only "brags" to tease others lightheartedly and to tick them off a little- and I don't think the demeaning things Gojo says to the higher ups can be used to show he's a narc because *many* people in Gojo's position would have said (and done) much, much worse things.

Also, when Yuji died, Gojo had become so emotional that even Shoko, who had been there since Gojo's youth, had commented on how unlike him it was. People irl really thought it was because Gojo couldn't use him as a weapon against the higher ups anymore, but reading how Gojo had told Nanami that he saw their relationship as an adult and a child makes me think differently. Something very important in the Light Novel is when Gojo tells Nanami that his students, because they are sorcerers, will soon have to "face the evil intentions of sh*tty humans." Not only sorcerers, but "every person has to bite into that bitterness, know what it means to give up, and pile up despairs to become an adult." People like Gojo and Nanami, Gojo had said, are capable of withstanding and releasing the "poison" that runs through the heart. However, the youngsters are more sensitive in that age, and "one poison could destroy their hearts" (I'm sure Gojo was thinking of Geto as he said this). That's why he wants to leave Yuji in the care of Nanami, "an adult who understands other people pain." Not that Gojo is unable to understand pain, but in the earlier events of the Light Novel as context, Gojo is faced with a mother who is mourning the loss of her child. While Nanami tries to gently comfort her and secretly find information on the cursed spirit at the same time using vague words, Gojo's words are straight forward and to the point, which startles the mother. It's not necessarily a bad things, however- Gojo's words had ended up allowing the mother to see her situation as it was without delusions, a tough love situation, so to speak, and the two were able to confirm their intel to be correct. It was Gojo who helped her to heal quicker by allowing her to realize her problem through his cutting words, but I'm sure Gojo realizes his "bad personality,"- which isn't really so bad in some cases- isn't for everyone. Gojo is very aware that people react negatively to his behavior, even if he is unable to understand just how deeply they despise him (*cough* Utahime) In that way, Gojo shows he cares very much for Yuji's mental growth, even in that short period of time, by entrusting his care to Nanami, who he comments would do a much better job than be could.

Therefore, I think Gojo might actually get attached to people more quickly than it might seem like. He also thinks very deeply and no matter how he acts, he's able to recognize others' strengths and acknowledge his own flaws- this is a key part of his character because he doesn't delude himself in his position as the Strongest. To those who think Gojo sees himself as a God, he is far from that behavior, and he is self aware enough to know that people need more to grow than just power and strength. Unfortunately, it seems most people either despise Gojo or are too enamoured by his looks to see past the surface of the more boisterous and childish part of his personality. That's likely the main reason he finds it hard to commit, too.

(More ranting 😭. There was this reddit post saying Gojo's narcissistic enough to be a more evil villain than Sukuna, that he would actually end up becoming the villain- like really??? And so many people really agreed that he's incapable of feeling true emotions that it's absurd. I really can't believe they even think Gojo has a God complex. Someone with a God complex, like most of the other disorders, wouldn't be able to admit their own flaws, let alone ask for help! The fact that Gojo even admits to having a "bad personality" is another tell against that. Sometimes I wonder if people are just projecting, but I also realize it's hard to differentiate between being an ENTP and being a sociopath because of how- on the surface- they seem so similar! But if you just dig a little deeper to look at their roots, they are so completely different it's a wonder how you'd get confused in the first place)

- 🤔

OH I COULDN'T AGREE MORE 🤔 anon here spitting FACTS. Yeah alot of people think gojo's a narcissist with huge ego but that ain't the case at all as explained above. I mean he was put on a pedestal since birth he gotta have some ego in that but that fact doesnt blind him. yeah sure he's the strongest but just one line "I'm the strongest" doesn't mean he's bragging it may sound like it but he's just stating facts he is indeed in fact the strongest in the jujutsu society. He knows he can't do everything on his own I mean why did he even become a teacher in the first place? Becuz he wants to make the next generation of jujutsu sorcerers stronger! No one asked him to do it he himself wanted to be a teacher even though at time he sucks at it.

He genuinely wants to do good not just for himself but for others as well. As interesting as the concept of Gojo becoming a villain it will never happen. Don't judge a damn book by it's cover even if it's a very attractive one hes just such an interesting character its shame most people don't see that.

[let-them-read-fics]

Back To You

Pairing: Lisa x Fem!Reader

Word Count: ~ 3,266

Warnings / Misc. -- Angst, Some Fluff, Some Smut / Suggestive Themes, Some Swearing

Disclaimer: This writing is a work of fiction, and no disrespect is meant for those mentioned herein.

A/N: Hey everyone! This one is based loosely on the songs “Everytime” by Ariana Grande and “Oh My God” by (G)I-DLE. (Total bops, ikr?) There are some *spicy* moments in here, so prepare yourselves. Nothing too crazy, but it’s definitely something new for me. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it; feel free to let me know what you think. Happy reading!

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

As Lisa watched you from the back of the room, her drink being clutched tighter in her hand with each passing second, she attempted to control her emotions. The current song’s strong beats pulsed throughout the house, the bass sending vibrations out across the floor. She watched as you spun around, leaning back and grinding slightly on whatever new person had been brave enough to approach you. Their hands were all over you, gripping your hips, your hair -- everything. The sight made her sick, but she couldn’t take her eyes off of you.

“You okay?” Jennie asked, raising her voice loud enough for her friend to hear. Upon seeing the dejected look on Lisa’s face, she followed her gaze; just as her eyes landed on you, your dancing partner leaned in to press a kiss to your neck. Your head was tilted back, granting them access; Jennie knew that Lisa would be crushed.

"Totally." She seethes, clenching her jaw and rolling her eyes as you're bent over again. 

Not even 10 minutes ago, she was the one dancing with you. The past hour had seen you two out there, bodies pressed close together, free in the rhythm. 

But she lost you the second that she left to get a drink: everyone who had been waiting for the chance to dance with you took this as their opportunity. 

Upon seeing her best friend so miserable, Jennie began to regret inviting you in the first place. The girls love Lisa more than anything and they want to see her happy; clearly, though, whatever you share with Lisa is anything but healthy. Every time they voice their concerns, she swears she knows what she's doing -- that she's capable of handling herself. It doesn't take a genius to see that she's not fine, but they do owe you some credit; she's seen some of her happiest times because of you. The only thing Lisa is certain of is that she can never seem to leave you. Anytime she thinks she's managed to let go, you're calling again, effectively pulling her back in. The situation is complex, feelings and fears mixing together in a deadly combo. 

After a while, Jennie convinces her to spend some time with the girls outside by the firepit in hopes of taking her mind off of the situation. She agrees, and soon she's genuinely enjoying herself again. 

~~~~~~~

Why, out of every other room possible, did she have to walk into this one? It's almost karmic, to the point that Lisa wonders if maybe she did something so unbearably heinous in a past life that she might be deserving of such punishment. She was simply looking for the restroom; never did she expect to witness this. 

Perhaps you haven’t noticed her presence yet -- you're in someone’s lap, half naked with your hair mussed and lips swollen, your motions never ceasing for a second. Standing there, catching you in the act, Lisa's torn -- should she slip away and pretend like she never saw that? Or should she burst in and interrupt you? 

Before she has time to react, the decision is made for her.

From outside the door, just a little bit down the hallway, another partygoer shouts out a slurred phrase to their friend, falling to the ground in a drunken heap. The sound catches your attention (considering it was loud enough to be heard over the music blasting from downstairs) and you look up. Lisa’s eyes meet yours halfway, neither of you knowing what to do at that point. She visibility tenses before muttering a quick sorry and shutting the door. Shit.

Your current hook-up is too busy leaving marks on your neck to even acknowledge what happened, their hands gripping your waist as they pull you in closer. While part of you wants to go after her, your mind is still clouded with desire -- your body overrules your better judgement, prompting you to continue on. You attempt to push the thoughts of Lisa from your mind, but every time your head is thrown back in pleasure, eyelids fluttering closed, the image of her sad eyes flashes before you. Why did she look so upset?

Lisa’s heart is breaking. After making her way down the stairs, she throws a goodbye to her friends over her shoulder before walking out. What the two of you have was never supposed to be complicated; quite the opposite actually. Neither of you can deny the energy you share -- the connection you feel anytime you're together-- but you aren't ready for a relationship. Lisa's always said that she isn't either, but it's a lie every time; she doesn't want to tie you down or hold you back from experiencing everything life has to offer, but she wants more with you. 

She prides herself on being a strong woman, tough in the face of difficult situations. But the one thing she can't seem to get over is the fact that you're intimate with other people. It's not a new discovery by any means, but in the past she could always pretend like it wasn't true when the sadness would come on especially strong. After finding you like that at the party, though, she clearly can't do that anymore. 

Once the two of you are finished, they quickly exit the room, leaving you alone with your thoughts. With them gone, you can finally breathe and take a minute to think about what happened. Why do you feel guilty? Lisa has made it clear that she's okay with what you have going on, but yet something in her gaze told you the opposite. The way her face fell, brows knitted sadly, eyes cast to the floor -- it all sold her out, her real emotions on full display. 

~~~~~~~

Two Days Later

"Can I come over, baby?" The pet name felt a bit foreign on your tongue now, almost as if you didn't have the right to use it after what happened. 

She knew the words were coming, but she still felt her stomach flip at them. A simple "Mmm," came through the phone as your answer, and you soon set off for her apartment. You could tell she was trying to sound the same as always, attempting to disguise the uncertainty in her voice as indifference. 

~~~~~~~

*Knock Knock*

The second that the door opens, you begin to apologize. 

"Lisa, I'm sorry that you had to see--"

The feeling of her mouth on yours silences you, catching you completely off guard. Wasn't she upset? Despite the confusion, you don't move away; you allow her to pull you into the room, melting into her embrace as she pushes you up against the door. 

The logical part of your brain is begging you to wait, to talk about what happened that night, but you can't find the strength to step out of her hold. Gently, her nails graze over your skin, mindlessly tracing little patterns as her soft lips press to your jaw. 

Her hands swiftly snake under your shirt, caressing the warm skin of your abdomen, and she lifts her head to kiss your lips. After spending so much time with Lisa, you're able to read her well; every touch, tremble, and move has its own meaning, successfully communicating the thoughts that she could never say out loud. Her body never lies to you, and you consider it a trusted source for that very reason. With that in mind, you make a mental note to pay attention so that you might gain some insight into what she's feeling. 

After stumbling blindly into the living room, she walks you backwards until your legs hit the couch; with a shove, you're sent falling backwards onto the soft cushions below. Her darkened eyes peer down at you, scanning over every inch of your body. Once her gaze settles on your face, she smiles widely; you're already turned on, and she's proud of herself. The air of the room thickens as she licks her lips, signalling for you to take your clothes off. She reciprocates before joining you, hovering over your form. Her hair falls into your face, gently tickling your cheeks and lightening the mood momentarily; the action draws a giggle from you, and she grins at the sound. No matter how upset she was, how hurt your previous actions made her, she would forever be under your spell. 

The aura around you shifts back to its initial, tense state, thrilling you to your core. She bites your lip, granting herself more access as she nudges your legs apart with her knee. The feeling of her toned thigh connecting with your center sends you reeling, but she's quick to muffle your moan with a kiss. Every little move from her drives you crazy, only fueling your desire more. One of your arms wraps around her waist, aiding her movements on your thigh, while your other hand comes up to tangle in her hair. With a tug, you begin kissing down her neck, leaving dark marks on the tender skin there. Your actions pull a low groan from her, and you almost grow arrogant; your ego is soon put in check when she grinds further down onto you, her hips settling into a smooth rhythm. Your knees go weak at the sensation, your stomach tightening with each push and pull of her body against your own.

The pleasure rushing through you causes your eyes to flutter closed, mind only on Lisa. Your head falls back onto the cushion, and she jumps at the opportunity to gently -- teasingly -- wrap her fingers around your neck, the slightest bit of pressure added. "You like that, baby?" It's a rhetorical question: she knows you enjoy it, especially with the way that your pulse quickens beneath her fingertips, your skin heating up. She watches as your eyes peek open the slightest bit, only to widen upon seeing the lustful look she's giving you. Knowing that your words would surely fail you, you instead nod furiously, determined to answer her question anyway. 

Her other hand travels up your stomach, past your ribs, and eventually lands on the material on your bra. In one motion, she has it off of you, sending it flying across the room with a flick of her wrist. When you shift your leg, brushing it harder up against where she needs you most, her breath hitches and her movements speed up. "Fuck, Y/N," she whines out.

"L-lisa…" The word is a mix between a stutter and a sigh as it slips past your lips; the very ones that are swollen and red from her fervent kisses. Seeing you like this -- watching you slowly come undone right before her, squirming and calling out her name -- is one of her favorite pastimes. She wants nothing more than to be the only one who has the privilege of seeing this show. You've drug her under completely, leaving her no possible way of escaping the love she has for you.

The couch creaks beneath you, its springs being worn down with every thrust of Lisa's hips, and the lewd sounds you're both letting out echo across the apartment. Surely her neighbors can hear what you're up to, and perhaps that should matter; it doesn't, though, at least not right now. 

By the way she's pouring her all into it, giving you everything she has, you know she's hurt. She's trying to prove something to you, to show you how good she can make you feel. 

You match her energy, both of you spending the next while pulling out all the stops to bring each other to release.

~~~~~~~

Deep maroon paints the dusky sky, streaks and hues of yellow and orange mixing in here and there. From your position on the couch, the curtain is parted just enough to give you a glimpse of the brilliant summer evening. The two of you must've fallen asleep after your third round, considering how much later it is and how rested you feel. Lisa’s skin is warm against your own, her body cradled in your arms underneath the blanket. With this peaceful set-up laid out before you, you decide to put your head back again and relax.

A few minutes later, quiet sniffles against your chest snap you out of your post-sex haze, causing you to quickly reposition yourself to look into Lisa’s eyes. 

"What's wrong, jagi?" 

Her eyes shut at the name now, tears wetting her long lashes at the action. How many other people have earned that titled? The thought of you holding anyone else like you're holding her right now breaks her heart.

"Don't you know?" She asks sadly, voice soft.

"I think so, but I need you to tell me." Sensing that this conversation will be a serious one, you sit up fully so that you can face her. 

"I want to be with you, Y/N. I can't share you anymore." She dives right in, sick of always beating around the bush. This isn't the first time she's tried to make you aware of her feelings, but in the past she's always relented, chalking her confessions up to simply being caught up in the moment. Her tone lets you know that this time will be different, though. 

"Lisa, we've talked about this--" The words come out sounding tired, but you're not sure what it's more directed towards: her and this recurring argument, or yourself. Perhaps a bit of both, seeing as how they're interconnected in many ways -- you're the root cause of the issues. You're tired of reminding her of your agreement, always having to be the one to crush her spirits time and time again; but what's more, is that part of you is tired of fighting your feelings for her. 

She's perfect, even in the ways that she isn't, and you know you don't deserve her because of that. You're a deeply flawed individual, too much of a coward to face your feelings and be honest. All you've ever known is running, and the idea of being open and vulnerable with someone so important to you isn't something you can deal with. You've tried pushing her away -- keeping her at arm's length, hoping she'll see that she deserves better than you -- but it never works. You're far too selfish to give her up completely, and she's too in love to leave. 

"Don't say it," she pleads, fresh tears being wiped away as soon as they fall onto her skin. 

"Why am I so special, huh? You could have anyone in the world and you choose me? I'm a nobody; I have nothing to offer you." The words are whole-heartedly earnest, honestly surprising you a bit. 

"I don't know why, Y/N. Don't you think I've questioned that myself?" 

You shake your head, taking a minute to gather your thoughts.

"Tell me that you don't feel the same. I need to hear you say it." Her tone is final, attempting to hold strong. She's trying to do this in order to move on, but both of you know it's futile. 

"I can't do that." You refuse to lie to her.

"Why, if you're only interested in me for sex?" You curse yourself for allowing things to get to the point that she'd believe something like that. 

"You've gotta be kidding me. I care about more than that, Lisa; I'm just trying to protect you." 

"From what?" She inquires, quirking an eyebrow as she crosses her arms. She's growing frustrated just like you; you can feel it.

"Me, damnit! I'm not good for you; can't you see that?" You're exasperated at this point.

"Why the hell is everyone such an expert on what's good for me? The girls, now you -- evidently everyone gets a say in it but me."

She has a point, so you tell her to continue.

"All I know is that I want you, Y/N. I wanna be the person you wake up next to, the first person you call when you have news to share; your person. I know you're far from perfect, but when have I ever asked you to be? You're a fucking mess, but I want every part of you." 

Did she really just say that to you? Your mind tries to process how the hell you managed to have such an incredible woman so ready and willing to not only stay by your side, but actively want to be there. No one's ever cared enough to be different; but Lisa is the difference that you've been searching for all along. She's seen your struggles; you've told her more about your past than anyone else, and somehow it's only made her want to stay more. How you had been such an idiot before is beyond you, but you can't put all of the blame on yourself. Having a person like her in your corner is rare; you're just happy you had this epiphany before you let her slip away.

She's looking into your eyes, intently searching for an answer in the deep pools as she waits for you to respond. The nerves that she's worked hard to suppress bubble up within, sending a sinking feeling to settle within her stomach. She holds her breath upon seeing you slowly lift your head higher, a special sort of twinkle in your eye.

"I'm so sorry, Lisa; for everything. You're the best person I know, and the absolute last person to deserve what I've put you through. I'm just scared. You're different than what I'm used to and I don't know how to deal with that. But I want you, too."

She can't contain the smile that works on her lips, tugging the corners up in the most adorable way possible. Her heart is soaring now, starting to feel like it's being repaired as she fully registers your words. She's been dying to hear you open up -- to let her in -- and it's finally happened. 

"Yeah?" She asks, seeking reassurance that this is really happening before she gets her hopes up.

"Yeah." You declare, reaching for her hand. "I'm ready to try." A gentle kiss is pressed to it, serving as your way of confirming your feelings. For some reason, kissing her hand has always felt sacred to you; thus, you only do it on special occasions. She's noticed that fact too, so it means so much more to her that you chose to do it now. 

"Come here." She utters, leaning back and opening her arms for you to join her. She wants to hold you. With a wide smile, you quickly do as she asks; her embrace is one of your favorite places in the whole world, and you'd never miss a chance to be in it.

Your head is on her chest, the sound of her steady heartbeat making its way to your ear, comforting you. She rests her cheek against the top of your head, taking in the tropical smell of your shampoo. I'll have to get her some more, she thinks to herself. She can't wait to spoil you.

Now, with the cosmos finally finding some semblance of harmony, the two of you begin your journey together. It won't be easy, but the love you hold for each other is too strong to let go to waste. Lisa’s shoulders are free of the previous weight they held, her heart no longer bound by the shackles placed on it. She's free to love you, to show you that you're worthy of a good, kind love -- the type that's patient and honest -- and she's never been happier. 

[qqueenofhades]

Fake dating AU for the idiot Heartrender Husbands! I beg of you!

As ever, I am preposterously easy to enable, and since they will eventually make an appearance in A Phantom in Enchanting Light, I decided to write their backstory for that verse. Also, “fake dating but it’s only fake because they’re both idiots” is an Aesthetic. I love them.

Moscow, 2010

The guy is most definitely late. Fedyor got here early – probably too early, since they’re supposed to meet at eleven and he arrived by quarter past ten – but it’s now 11:08 and still no sign of him. Fedyor has claimed a corner table in the coffee shop just off Red Square with its splendid old tsarist-era décor, surrounded by the murmur of conversation and clicking laptop keys as his fellow Muscovites get on with their daily lives. The rule is fifteen minutes, yes? If Ivan Sakharov doesn’t show up in another seven, Fedyor is free to bail. But it’s been so long, and Nadia, the mutual friend responsible for this set-up, has begged Fedyor to give him a chance. And since it is understandably difficult to date as a gay man in Russia, Fedyor’s patience must be tested longer than usual. He sips his flat white and glances at the door again. Still no Ivan.

Fedyor opens his phone and checks the photo that Nadia sent him, trying to decide if this man is attractive enough to compensate for his tardiness. It’s hard to tell. It is 11:14, and he is absolutely about to pack up and leave by no later than 11:25, when a tall, grim-faced man in a red windbreaker strides in. He stops short, glances around, spots Fedyor, and powers over with such single-minded determination that Fedyor fears he’s about to be arrested. “Hello,” he says curtly. “I am Ivan Ivanovich Sakharov. I believe you are waiting for me?”

“Ah – ? I am Fedyor Mikhailovich Kaminsky, yes,” he manages, offering a hand, which Ivan crushes in a Terminator grip. “It’s – nice to meet you?”

Ivan snorts, pulls out the other chair, and drapes his jacket over it, then orders a small plain coffee (black like his soul, evidently). Then he returns, sits down, and claps his hands as if he is calling a misbehaving class to attention. “Where are you from?” he barks. “How long have you lived in Moscow?!”

Fedyor continues to gape. He’s genuinely not sure if this is Ivan attempting to get to know him on speed-run, or if he’s being interrogated by a FSB agent who can’t even act for two seconds like he’s not. It’s ominously possible. Dmitry Medvedev is the president and there are hopes that there might be a social liberalization, but the Orthodox patriarchs and the far right have been increasingly agitating against Russia’s embattled LGBTQ community, and things could just as easily get worse. Is this a setup or a setup? Nadia would never knowingly put him in a dangerous situation, of course, but maybe she was likewise fooled. You’d think that if this was a sting, they could have found a guy who was actually capable of pretending to be on a date, but maybe that’s the point? What the hell is going on here?

Fedyor opens his mouth, then shuts it. As a matter of fact, he is originally from Nizhny Novgorod, but moved to Moscow for university and has lived here for seven years, but if Ivan is with the FSB, he probably already knows that. Is this a trick? Is Ivan trying to match him to some police intelligence file or see if he’s a liar? Fedyor is seriously about to get up and walk out (or maybe sprint out) when Ivan, perhaps realizing that he’s blowing this to a heretofore unprecedented degree, says, “Sorry. I am from Krasnoyarsk. I enjoy rugby.”

Of course he likes rugby if he’s from Krasnoyarsk. This is a disaster. “Uh, what side?”

“Krasny Yar,” says Ivan, in the tone of a man about to stand up and belt out the fight song. “I also enjoy football. Yenisey Krasnoyarsk. Though I have begun supporting Lokomotiv since I came to Moscow. That was five years ago.”

So, he’s definitely a hooligan. Fedyor does his best to keep smiling. In the flesh, Ivan is definitely not unattractive. His hair is crisp and brown, there are glints of hazel in his eyes, and he has that hard, chiseled handsomeness that Fedyor always ends up getting suckered into. Except for the fact that he is lively, extroverted, and outgoing, likes clubbing and mingling and making friends, and this man does not appear to have ever heard of a single one of those things. What was Nadia thinking? It’s not like her to whiff this badly. Or did she have to be so circumspect in asking Ivan if he would like to meet Fedyor that, even if he’s not an undercover cop, he is in fact clueless about the true nature of this social engagement? Thinks it’s guys being pals?

“Did you have somewhere you were coming from earlier?” Fedyor asks, after another excruciating silence. “Is that why you were – ?”

“My apologies. The bus was late. I am normally very punctual.” Ivan scowls ferociously, as if the bus ever dares to do such a thing again, he will personally murder it. “What hobbies do you enjoy, Fedyor Mikhailovich?”

“I think you can call me Fedyor, yes?” They are clearly nowhere near “Fedya” and “Vanya” just yet, but “Fedyor Mikhailovich” always makes Fedyor look around warily for his grumpiest professor at MSU. He tries to think of subtle conversational gambits to find out what Ivan knows, without being obvious. Oh God, he really should just cut his losses, but something – perhaps the pathetic conviction that even a terrible date is better than no date at all – keeps him in his seat. Presuming that he does get out of here alive, he will call up Nadia straightaway and ask her many, many questions, mostly consisting of Why??! “Well,” Fedyor says at last. “I like having fun?”

“I also enjoy fun,” Ivan says, stone-faced. “I am very funny.”

Russian humor is normally extremely deadpan, to the point that Fedyor does wonder if Ivan is in fact a diabolical troll genius, but somehow he doesn’t think so. The rest of the conversation proceeds in this fashion, but by the end of an hour, Fedyor still has no idea if he has just been on a date or a trip to the gulag. Ivan gets up, administers another bone-crushing handshake, thanks him for his time, and marches out. Fedyor can practically hear the Red Army Choir thundering some patriotic anthem in his wake.

When he gets home that afternoon, Fedyor is resolved to write off the whole thing, except it was weirdly kind of not as bad as he first thought, maybe, somehow. If nothing else, he’s fascinated by this, like watching a slow-motion train crash. He takes out his phone with the intention of calling Nadia, only to see a text message from an unfamiliar number. When he opens it, it reads, Hello. Your company was agreeable today. Thank you. Perhaps we could meet again next week. Please reply yes or no. The message uses the formal styles of address, and some of the spellings are slightly old-fashioned. He has also signed it – Иван Сахаров – in case there might be some confusion with another Ivan the Terrible at Dating of Fedyor’s recent acquaintance. It is a bit like getting a text from the undertaker.

Fedyor stares at it, insanely tempted to burst out laughing, and finally, just because now he’s too curious to refuse, texts back his gracious acceptance. Still chuckling, he makes dinner, and then, as his phone pings with Ivan’s response, wonders in horror what on earth he is getting himself into.

This is how things continue for the next six weeks. Ivan and Fedyor meet up for the second time, stroll sedately around one of Moscow’s many city parks together, then part ways, and this time it’s Fedyor’s turn to ask if he would like to do it again. He isn’t sure exactly why, except that Ivan is unexpectedly easy to spend time with, and he nods in stoic approval of whatever Fedyor says. Of course, they follow the usual rules of dating which are especially important in Russia: don’t talk about politics, don’t talk about religion, don’t talk about America, don’t talk about Ukraine, don’t talk about Chechnya. From what Fedyor can glean, Ivan’s views tend to the doctrinaire, but he is surprisingly undogmatic, and willing to at least act as if he has an open mind. If he was an FSB agent, it feels like he would have busted Fedyor by now, but maybe he is waiting for him to do something unmistakably gay. That’s not it. Right?

Nadia calls, wanting to know how it’s going, and Fedyor grills her for forty minutes over whether Ivan is a law enforcement plant, a lonely guy looking for a friend, the world’s most method practical joker, or just extremely stupid. Nadia insists that he is actually very nice once you get to know him (HA, thinks Fedyor) and has no particular affection for either the ruling classes or the oligarchs. He can certainly be an acquired taste, but he is not evil.

Forced to accept it, still chickening out of asking Ivan whether he knows they’re dating, wondering if they are dating, if Ivan knows that Fedyor knows they’re dating, if Fedyor only thinks he knows that they are dating while they are not actually dating, or if Ivan thinks he knows that they’re dating while they’re… whatever the fresh-fried fuck is truly happening here, Fedyor trudges off for what has become his almost-weekly rendezvous with Ivan the-Maybe-Not-Quite-So-Terrible. They manage to have a few conversations verging on meaningful, and Fedyor has found himself telling Ivan about his family and Nizhny Novgorod and other such things. Fedyor likes to talk and Ivan likes to listen, though he breaks in now and again with a bone-dry quip. He’s still never what you would call loquacious, or easily forthcoming, but Fedyor likes that. Ivan is tough, complex, enigmatic, guarded, occasionally willing to let down his walls but only if the other person is worth it, and Fedyor finds, to his surprise, that he wants to be worth it. If this is a long-con mind game, he almost doesn’t care. (Almost.)

The problem, however, is that they’ve been seeing each other regularly for a month and a half and they haven’t gotten any closer than walking through a park, outdoors, in full view of their fellow comrades. Even the first time Fedyor takes the plunge and invites Ivan to his apartment, they sit three feet apart on the couch, watching a badly-Russian-subtitled version of Die Hard and providing critical commentary. Fedyor’s English is a lot more fluent than Ivan’s, and his middle-class family, while not exactly wealthy, is definitely better off than Ivan’s hardscrabble clan of miners and loggers in Siberia. That upbringing certainly does explain, to some degree, why Ivan is the way he is, and Fedyor wonders anxiously if Ivan views him as an insufferably posh city boy. Ivan barely finished high school and went straight to working in a Krasnoyarsk aluminum factory. He definitely did not faff around Moscow State University and attend global development seminars in Paris.

Nonetheless, despite their obvious differences, they do get along, and Fedyor is unable to deny the fact that he would, if it’s all right with everyone, like it to be more than that. Of course, finding out if Ivan knows, etc. etc., has been the paramount challenge, and there is no way to find out other than to go for it. Fedyor is 75% sure that they’ve been going steady for two months, but if it’s actually the other 25%, this is going to get awkward in a hurry. Is this essentially a fake relationship, or is it only fake because they’re both idiots?

After having duly commended his soul to God, Fedyor invites Ivan over on Saturday night. He rents a tiny flat by himself since he’s been burned on rooming with strangers, but Ivan is used to it by now, and it doesn’t feel too small with the two of them. Fedyor strains his limited culinary skills to cook supper, probably making his babushka cluck her tongue and sigh in a judgmental fashion back in Nizhny Novgorod, and they sit down and eat in silence for five minutes. Then Fedyor says, “Vanya?”

The consistent use of the diminutive has started sometime in the last few weeks, neither of them remember quite when. Ivan doesn’t correct him. “Yes?”

Fedyor clears his throat. “Do you…” He winces. “Do you… like me?”

“Yes?” Ivan says again, looking confused. “I would not have spent so much time with you if I did not, don’t you think? We are friends.”

“Yes, I know that we’re friends, but…” Fedyor looks at the ceiling. It doesn’t help, so he looks back at Ivan. “Are we… special friends?”

Ivan continues to look blank. “Are we?”

Fedyor resists the urge to tug at his collar, thinking that it’s a damn good thing that he didn’t go with his other idea of just leaning across the table and passionately kissing him. With absolutely no change of tone or expression, Ivan says, “Please explain. Special friends how?”

“Friends who want to…” Fedyor takes a deep breath. “Be… more than friends?”

“How?” Ivan orders again, ruthlessly. “Be clear, Fedya.”

“Are we maybe… boyfriends?” Fedyor’s voice squeaks on the word. “As in… we have feelings for each other that aren’t just… friendly? Like… feelings which are… romantic?”

Ivan continues to stare at him like a statue for several more seconds, and Fedyor contemplates the feasibility of tunneling directly through the floor of his apartment and running all the way to Latvia. Then at last, Ivan throws his head back and – startling Fedyor deeply – breaks into real, genuine, belly laughter, the kind that he has never heard from Ivan before. “Oh my,” he chortles, slapping the table. “Your face. You were sweating bullets.”

“WAIT, WHAT!?!” Fedyor pushes his chair back and stands up with a clatter, incandescently outraged. “Are you – were you messing with me?!!”

“Maybe a little,” Ivan says, wiping his eyes. “You know, all this time, I have not been sure if you are shy or a terrible prude. Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

“God’s Mother in Heaven – ” Fedyor feels another prick of disloyalty to his babushka for swearing on the Bogomater, but some people deserve it. All inhibitions forgotten, he charges at Ivan like a runaway train, as Ivan springs out of his own chair in readiness, and starts pounding on his chest in transports of fury. “You are the worst! You are the worst person ever! For two months, what have we been doing?! I have been afraid this whole time that maybe you don’t know what’s really going on, and now – ?! You are the worst!”

Ivan catches Fedyor’s flailing arms, holds them away from him, and picks him up bodily, swinging him around and pushing him against the wall. “Maybe I am just a dumb country boy from Siberia,” he remarks, “but even I am not that stupid, Fedyor Mikhailovich.”

“I hate you,” Fedyor pants, their faces and their mouths an inch away from each other. “Get out of my apartment.”

“Mmm?” Ivan cocks an eyebrow. Then he plants both hands on either side of Fedyor’s head, leans in, and deeply, savagely captures Fedyor’s mouth with his own.

Every remaining vestige of barely rational thought in Fedyor’s head evaporates in screaming shock. He still wants to shove Ivan away, knee him in the balls, or break a chair over his head, but if he did that, he would have to stop kissing him, and he can’t do that either. He moans, Ivan’s tongue takes the opportunity to slip into his mouth, their hands clutch and claw and their legs melt out from under them, they turn away or break contact only to gulp a breath before diving back in again, and the next time Fedyor is aware of anything, they have collapsed on his kitchen floor in a wrung-out, entangled, gasping heap. Ivan says in his ear, “Do you still want me to leave, Fedya?”

“No,” Fedyor manages. “Because now, I am really going to make you suffer.”

Ivan’s smile is dark and full of promise. He pulls back, gets to his feet, and holds out a hand. “Then I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”

(Ivan doesn’t leave Fedyor’s apartment that night. He doesn’t leave it the next night either. At the end of the week, Fedyor calls up Nadia and informs her that he hates her so much, and when they do next see each other, he’ll shake her by both shoulders and then thank her for introducing him to the no-good, truly awful, very bad love of his life.)

[snowflake-of-destruction]

let's hear about FFVIII seifer, if you're still doing this XD

Why I like them: You know my tastes. A green-eyed man is introduced throwing fireballs around, is kind of a condescending jerk but in a fun way, instigates deep conversations on high ground while staring at the sunset...Well, before we even get to villainy, immolation, and redemption arc, I start going “Is this a favorite character?”  I’m joking...kind of. Some of that does factor in, even the fire. 

Okay, so my favorite thing about Seifer’s arc is that, in the limited focus he’s given, he’s complex and layered from the beginning, and his villain arc is a clear and fascinating illustration of “No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks” ….with a side of brainwashing.

Let’s break this down:

What are some of the words used to describe him by those that know him (by himself, by Squall, by Fuu and Rai)? Romantic. Idealistic. Sensitive. He is the one who believes in making a difference in the world--not just as a wish or goal, but as an imperative to do what your heart says is right even if it’s going to cost you--where Squall is just follow-the-orders-and-do-the-job. If you’re already reading this and objecting, I’m not saying Squall doesn’t care...obviously he does, defrosting Mr. Go Talk to a Wall and getting him to a place where he admits how many layers of mask he wears is his character development...but Seifer isn’t just a hothead. He wears his heart on his sleeve. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to deny that Seifer can be an abrasive, self-serving, hypocritical jackass sometimes,  who can fight dirty, wants to “wreak some havoc,” and has a history as a bully--though, gentlefolk of the jury, I submit to the courts that he puts on a tough act like Squall does and they are both different flavors of trying to mimic toxic alpha male--but let’s not forget that some of his establishing character moments are throwing out his future to disobey orders because he sees that the higher-ups have possibly misjudged the situation and civilians could be in danger, and, again, going AWOL because he thinks Squall and Rinoa could be killed. And he calls himself the white knight and holds up a code of honor until the end, even though it gets twisted. He is about duty and honor, with honor even over duty.

Oh, this was only going to be the beginning. I haven’t even begun to touch on what I would want to touch on--this is just surface personality and the beginning of the game before we even get to joining Sorceress Edea, and even then not all I would say-- but this post isn’t actually supposed to be my Ted talk on what you missed if you just think of Seifer as a recurring boss fight. Let’s move on.

ONE MORE THING ACTUALLY. Even though we see a lot of Seifer at his worst, you can use Fujin and Raijin as a mirror. What do they say near the end of the game if we paraphrase/summarize? They knew pretty early on, before even the senseless slaughter and torture era that Seifer was going down a dark path with the sorceress, but they knew it wasn’t him and stayed with him, not because they agreed with his actions, wanted power, or out of fear, but to take care of him and try to break through to him--and not because they are saints, but because he, despite what had happened in the past year, is the type of person who deserves and inspires that kind of loyalty. Let’s think on that.

Now the rest goes under a read more, because I am going to keep rambling and be wordy

Why I don’t: He can be an asshole, and he’s an asshole in an embarrassing way. As in, if one is trying to say he’s not the little punk his KH counterpart is, you remember he still uses the insult chickenwuss (though that is a legacy insult/nickname since he’s known Zell since childhood--and, fyi, Squall uses it too) and he had a little gang in school. Even once he’s a military commander of an evil army set on world domination, he has some moments where his level of petty undermines him.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): The Dollet mission

Favorite line: Sorry, not sorry that the following is my favorite exchange of lines and that the prison torture scene is another of my favorite scenes. For context, Seifer has captured Squall, has him hanging up on the wall in crucified hero imagery, implied to be shirtless even though his character model isn’t because they talk about scar tissue or lack thereof from a recent shoulder injury/Squall being stabbed in the chest/shoulder area. Seifer has been electrocuting Squall for information. By this point, I might as well have put the whole scene here. Also, I am now going to blame Squall and Seifer text boxes in FFVIII for my own abuses of ellipses...

Seifer: " I was hoping you'd be there, Squall. So... how'd I look in my moment of triumph? My childhood dream, fulfilled. I've become the sorceress' knight."

Squall: [internal monologue] ...Sorceress' knight... ...His...romantic dream...? But... Seifer... Now, you're just a…[Out loud] "... torturer."

[Squall passes out.]

Seifer: "What did you say? [Steps closer] Passed out cold, eh? This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred for me! The tale of the evil mercenary versus the sorceress' knight!”

This isn’t just me all “mmm, tension.” Seifer has passed the moral event horizon, and it’s not just faceless NPCs that are collateral damage anymore. We’ve seen him on screen torture the protagonist, who is also one of the only people who he’s shown to have a real bond with that goes beyond superficial. Then we get this and see Seifer thinks he’s the good guy still, on a noble mission where he’s had to make painful sacrifices, and Squall is a representative of the power-hungry evil. Seifer’s been playing a different game, and had his will twisted via magic.

Favorite outfit: The Amano art where the white coat is cast off and he’s wearing the simple black shirt and black jeans under it. Symbolic? Maybe. I wouldn’t give up the coat though. I love the long white/gray coat, the outer embodiment of wanting to wear the white hat, but the desire easily getting tarnished, and the red cross that turns into a sword and becomes Seifer’s symbol and soon to appear other places, emblazoned nice and big on the sleeve. It’s the Cross of Saint James. TRADITIONALLY red represents the blood of Christ, the three lilies represent the honor of the apostle and reference Christ as lily of the valley, and the sword shape represents the torture that St.James suffered before his murder. HOWEVER, my opinion is that here it’s more vague/altered symbolism (For starters, there are other gods not the Christian God in this world) with a side of “looks cool.” We still have something that clearly calls to mind a mission from on high, innocence in the lilies, blood and blood cost, and then war/violence with the sword. And I love it. 

OTP: Seifer/Squall. I should not even start, but lest you think I am just in it for kinky torture scenes: We have these two who, in the beginning, are generally callous or mocking toward everyone, but make each other laugh/smile, see who each other are underneath and describe each other in “soft” terms even if they tease each other for it, repeatedly check in on each other to see if the other is okay, respect each other’s opinion and skills, and...you get the idea. In the words of Zell Dincht, I thought you two were rivals, but you’re all buddy-buddy. 

Pause for a second and let’s just say first impression. That opening fight where they scar each other’s faces? It takes place outside Balamb Garden and the area is shown so we see they are alone. Squall passes out. Squall wakes up in the infirmary within the Garden base. Squall has to explain what happened; people don’t already know. This kind of implies after Squall passed out, Seifer, bleeding from a head wound himself, picked Squall up and carried him home, allowing himself to collapse only when Squall was being safely tended to, because he’s that extra. This is his first (okay, second, after fireballs and face slashing) action in the game even though it’s offscreen. I mean, he could have also just called for help/ran for help, but that’s less fun.

 Seifer is so concerned with being a badass, but he’s admits to Squall all he’s ever wanted was to be the fairytale knight, not a mere soldier. Vulnerability and confession he wants romance....with the first time it’s brought up in game being while they are watching the sun set together, the traditional Square Red Sunset of Shipping. 

Seifer hesitates to defy orders, not for himself, but until he sees Squall is with him. Even though there were other “children of destiny” who all came from the same orphanage, Squall and Seifer were the ones who were never apart, never adopted until it was by a military/mercenary training program, and, even though it may speak more to brotherly than romantic from some angles, there’s a feeling of being the same, knowing each other down to the atoms, adopting an us against the world mindset that trumps trying to best each other when it comes down to it because they are the only constant. When Squall has his breakdown/ breakthrough of why he pushes people away/doesn’t let himself care/tries not to need anyone because people leave/are taken from him and he is scared he isn’t worthy of love and happiness until Rinoa challenges him, this may seem like a dismissal of Seifer, but you can also look at it from “I had no friends or family. I didn’t even have interest in speaking to anyone. I strived to be an unfeeling machine, because all emotion is pain...But also I couldn’t go 48 hours without seeing Seifer.”

Yeah, yeah, we know their main form of hanging out was beating the tar out of each other, but sometimes, especially in older media, this was its own brand of subtext. For more on how Seifer miiiight just view sparring let’s point out that “Isn’t this ROMANTIC?” and “Kneel” as a less easily interpreted as innuendo version of  “I want you on your knees” are battle quotes even in Kingdom Hearts sooo draw your own conclusion. 

We get a line where Squall makes it clear these were friendly matches looked at as pushing their limits beyond what they are allowed to in sanctioned spars, and he feels prepared to take on anything  now because of Seifer. Is it healthy communication  in real life? No! Is this real life? No! Plus, the facial scar was an accident, pretty clearly...on Seifer’s side...I could write another essay on how Seifer draws first blood, but it’s because on Squall’s failed block, AND THEN SQUALL GETS ANGRY AND RETALIATES WITH CLEAR PURPOSE AND MAKES THE OPENING SHOT INTO THE FIRST SIGN GOOD VERSUS BAD GUY ISN’T SO CLEAR CUT (even though they both shouldn’t have been going so hard in a friendly training match to begin with).

 Seifer’s later, repeated threats/expressed desire to give Squall additional scars once he goes evil? That is a different animal, and a horrible one, objectively. Not objectively? No comment. Okay, one comment. Mark you as mine. Two comments. He knows Squall’s lost some memories and he can’t stomach being the next thing forgotten so Squall needs physical reminders.

Hmmm, I was supposed to be talking about the ship, not just the sparring and scars. We can wrap it up with a Marge Simpson. “I just think they’re neat”

BUT ONE MORE THING

Squall’s jacket when he becomes Leon in Kingdom Hearts. His outfit is mostly the same, right? Except the back of the jacket now has a red patch of an emblem (of Rinoa’s angel wings, not Seifer’s cross...for the OT3 feel), and his fight with Sora he throws a fireball like Seifer’s signature. Just, you know, if you want bonus references/feeling.

Brotp: Fuu and Rai. They are willing to commit war crimes with this man, nurse him back from death’s door, and go into exile with him if he can’t return to a normal life even after a redemption arc. This section deserves to be long, but I am beginning to get talked out. Don’t take that as devaluing the friendship though. I’m glad he was allowed to keep his ride or dies in Kingdom Hearts. FRIENDSHIP! They love him, ya know?

Head Canon: What we see of him at the end of the game is a temporary situation and after he heals and refreshes for awhile he’d go back to Balamb and face consequences for his actions, and probably insist on consequences instead of leaning into “an evil sorceress bespelled me and slowly took my free will.” No hiding away in the wilderness. No crossing into and living his life in Esthar. No, “but in the end I broke free and would have been an active, onscreen part of saving the world if Square had let me join the party!” He would insist on being cast into a deep, dark cell. Squall uses pull to get him pardoned, but not before just, flat out, yelling at him for being a martyr.

Unpopular opinion: He did love Rinoa. It may have been a “shallow love,” but he wasn’t just dating her to pass time or because she played into his damsel who needs a hero mindset. There was emotion. He was prepared to die for her and Squall in Timber, and almost did--only being saved by Sorceress Edea...which wasn’t a kindness, but it all worked out in the end. Sure, he gets mind-controlled into using Rinoa as, basically, a human sacrifice and it isn’t Rinoa he wants stripped and brought to his room when we’re taking prisoners, but he cared about her. He does taunt her about their past relationship, but we’ve already established this is just part of his communication skillset.  Yes, I will elaborate more if asked, though it’s more feeling based than text based. 

A wish: If there’s ever a sequel, let him have put out the good in the world that was his dream and be seen as a hero. Let us see a matured and peaceful Seifer. 

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: My one fear if they ever remake FFVIII instead of just porting it, is that some of the creative team have said they like the fan theory where you are dead part way through the game and the rest is a dying dream or purgatory. It’s creative stuff; I will say that. It’s not my favorite, and I don’t agree, but those kinds of fan interpretations when they go in depth are super cool. PLEASE LET THE INTEREST IN IT JUST BE THE SAME AS MINE OF THINKING IT’S CREATIVE BECAUSE MAKING THIS  CANON WOULD BE SO, SO BAD FOR EVERY CHARACTER.

5 words to best describe them: stubborn, misguided, paladin, romantic, petty

My nickname for them: I don’t really have one

[sacred-algae]

Nights Like These

It's no secret that Todd is bad at feelings. Bad at expressing them, bad at handling them. Really bad at handling them. Because Dirk has a boyfriend. A boyfriend who isn't Todd. And it tears him apart. All he ever feels any more is hopelessness. And tonight was no different. Until it was. It was about to be VERY different.

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 2,851

       It was nights like these where Todd didn’t like to think. He wished he was incapable of thinking. Screw that, he wished he didn’t love him. 

       He’d never been in love before and oh how he wishes he wasn’t right now. 

       Because this sucked. It hurt like hell. 

       Having to see him every day. See his beautiful smile and perfect eyes and know that he didn’t love him back.

       Being in love with Dirk was one thing a month ago. 

       He always knew he liked him, well, not always, but when he realized he was in love with him… That was another story. 

       He felt like he was walking on air when he realized it. He realized how lucky he was to have him in his life and how happy he made him.

       He even started flirting with him, to no avail but he still did.

       And it felt right. One day he would get the courage to ask him out. 

        But before that day came… the worst day of his life came. 

       He got a boyfriend.

       A boyfriend that wasn’t Todd.

       And ever since then it’s been “Brett this, Brett that,” and he wanted to punch that bastard right in the nose!

       … But he made Dirk happy. And so Todd was happy if he was happy.

       Scratch that. Todd was very unhappy. 

       He wanted to die every time Brett kissed Dirk, he wanted to cry every time he saw them holding hands, he wanted to punch the wall when he heard the exchange of pet-names, he wanted to scream every time smiled at his phone after getting a text from him.

       He was miserable. He had gone from being depressed before Dirk to being the happiest in his life to being happier to being even more depressed and it was horrible.

        So yes, he thought about this every night. What made this night worse than the other nights, what made this night “nights like these”?

       It was date night. 

       The night of the week where he wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. 

       So he did. 

       And he sobbed.

        And to make matters worse, his episodes have always been more emotionally fueled so “date night” was always a reliable alarm clock for his body to betray him. 

       And to make matters even worse, it was their one month anniversary, and Dirk was all excited about their big date.

       So he had to buckle up for a long, sleepless, painful, night.

        And his first attack of the night was over.

       He sat on the bathroom floor, huddled in the corner between the sink cabinet and the wall, shaking violently as his post-attack nerves calmed down. Breathing heavily as tears streamed down his hot face, head whirring.

       And it was only 10:00.

        It was only 10:00 when he heard a knock on his door. 

        Stumbling, he stood up and wiped his eyes on his flannel sleeve as he approached the door.

       And he was ready to kill a bitch when he saw who was on the other side of the door, sobbing.

       “Oh my god, Dirk what happened? Are you ok?” 

       He flung himself into Todd’s arms. “He pulled a Warner, Todd,” he choked between tears.

       “He pulled a what?” Todd stood flabbergasted, not quite sure on whether or not he should return the hug, but then he did, Dirk needed him.

       “Like that musical, Pink Lawyer.”

       “Oh, you mean Legally Blonde? And that was a movie before it was a musical.”

       “But I like the musical better. I like the song 'Gay or European', it's like a song about me.”

       “Whatever you say, Dirk. What happened, what do you mean he pulled a Warner?” And then it hit him, “Oh my god, he didn’t!”

       “Mmhmm,” Dirk gave a sad, affirmative hum and nodded into Todd’s shoulder.

       “On your anniversary?! THAT DICK!”

       Dirk laughed slightly.

       “What-” Todd wasn’t good at this, in fact, he was very bad at this. “What do you need?”

       Dirk pulled back and looked at Todd confused. His eyes red, swollen, and glossy. He hated seeing him like this. He wanted to hold him until the end of time and make sure he was never upset again. The things he was going to say to Brett- but he needed to focus on Dirk right now.

       “I mean, you came to me for a reason, right? What do you need?”

       He stood silent for a moment, not really understanding the question. In all honesty, his brain couldn’t process much at the moment. “Right, why I’m here, um, yes! I-” he sighed, “I don’t know. Universe said I should come here.”

       Damn you universe,  Todd thought. 

       “Ok.” His mind shuffled around the possible answers to this. In the past he would have made some flirty joke like, “oh, the universe wanted you to be here, huh?” or something or other but he wasn’t past Todd. He was present Todd and he would be there for Dirk. And he doubted the universe actually wanted that to be honest. He would always just be friends with Dirk. Hopelessly and endlessly. “Come in then, want to talk?”

       “Maybe,” he sniffed as he walked in. “I don’t know. I just want to be here.” He paused for a moment. “Do you have any tea?”

       Todd smiled, “Always.” He walked over to the kitchenette and dug through the pantries as Dirk sat down. “What type?”

       Dirk beamed, “You have more than one type? You don’t even like tea.”

       Todd had started keeping tea around in case of situations like these. Not break-ups specifically, he hadn’t planned for those, but any situation where Dirk needed some comfort. And he didn’t know what Dirk preferred so he just bought a lot of different types.

       “Yeah, what type?”

       “I don’t know. Do you have lemon? Sour tea to fit my sour mood.” He sunk into the sofa. 

       “Don’t be like that, Dirk.” He heated up a mug of water in the microwave, receiving a wince from Dirk but he was just happy Todd was trying. “I’m assuming you want milk and sugar in it?”

       “Yes, please.” Todd chuckled. 

       He put the teabag in the mug and grabbed the milk carton, a spoon, and the sugar and clumsily carried it all back to the couch. 

       “Thank you, Todd.” He smiled through his pooling grey-blue eyes.

       They sat like that for a while. Staring at the wall. A million thoughts flooding through their heads.

       The main one in Todd’s head? He was going to fucking kill Brett. He should have fucking known, with a name like Brett. And his stupid books, and his stupid sweater vests, and his stupid perfect hair, and his stupid collection of snobby tea. Now that he thinks about it he was really perfect for Dirk, Dirk didn’t want some punk-reject. He wanted an elegant refined man, not a scrumpy hobbit asshole of a man. NO! Brett was a dick. An absolute dick and he hurt Dirk. No one hurts Dirk on Todd’s watch. Not unless they want to get killed. 

       It wasn’t like he couldn’t do it. He could blame it on a holistic situation next case. Yes, brilliant. He would find some way to drag him into it push him into the danger. It was perfect, foolproof, and oh my fucking god was he really plotting a murder right now? He needed to focus on Dirk. Who had just started crying again, oh god he was bad at this. 

       Todd looked over to him. He sat rigidly. The warm mug in his hands, somewhat of a grounding stim, his head tucked into his chest as his tears fell. 

       He cleared his throat and nervously spoke up. “Need to talk about it? Sometimes venting helps.”

       Dirk bit his lip and wordlessly nodded before turning to Todd.

       “It was a stupid reason, really,” he sniffled.

       “Any reason to break up with someone as amazing as you is stupid in my books.” Dirk smiled. Smiling was good.

       “No. There are plenty of good reasons. I’m annoying, I talk too much, I’m dangerous, I’m an idiotic fool-”

       “Stop with all the negative talk,” Todd said sternly.

       “But it really was a stupidly stupid reason. I… I was telling him the story of our cases-”

       “Ooo which one?”

       “The Coconut Caper.” He set the mug down on the coffee table with the rest of the stuff Todd had brought out.

       “That was a fun one,” They laughed for a moment reminiscing on it. The Coconut Caper was one of their more… well… heated cases. There was a lot of tension there on both their parts, but both of them only recognized his own feelings and was completely oblivious as to the other’s.

       “So I was telling him the story and out of nowhere, he got mad! He said… he said he was tired of hearing about you.”

       What?

       “That it’s always ‘Todd, this and Todd, that’ and he was sick of it. And- and,” he stuttered to get the words out. “And said he was sick of it, and that it was all I ever talked about and- and,” He fell into Todd’s shoulder, covering his face with his hands. Regretting what he was about to say before he even said it, but Todd asked so he would say it. He would play it off as if it wasn’t true. “He said he thought I was in love with you… and then he dumped me!”

       A question burned into the back of Todd’s mind. A question he knew he shouldn’t ask for fear of losing everything, and pushing Dirk farther than he needed tonight... But the question remained, it refused to leave. It wasn’t going to go away unless he asked. 

       So Todd made the rash decision to ask said question, a decision he knew as the sentence formed out of his mouth he would later regret as he already knew the answer but something told him he didn’t know the full truth. He needed the full truth. He needed all of it. 

       And so he asked the question.

       “Dirk, do you love me?” His voice shook like the after-shock in a house seated across the street from a quarry. His face burning hot, his own eyes filling with salty betrayal. 

       “Uh-buh-buh-buh,” He sat up abruptly, straightening himself out, his mouth flapped like a fish. “What an odd question, Todd.” Dirk sat back up with a very bad look of hiding the truth. Todd almost let the corners of his mouth upturn. He thought he knew the answer, and he thought it might be the one he wanted after all of this time. 

       “Dirk, answer the question.” His voice slowly losing its tough persona.

       “You see, it’s a very complex answer, that question, Todd.”

       “Answer the goddamn question!”

       “Ok fine. You want the truth? Here’s the truth! I’m in love with you... I always have been but I know you don’t love me and so that’s why I started dating Brett.” 

       “Dirk-” His voice even softer now, a pang in his chest, heartbreaking at the thought of Dirk not knowing and feeling the way he did, knowing Dirk felt all of the pain Todd did.

       “LET ME FINISH. I thought if I dated someone else I would forget about you and stop loving you but the truth is I can’t.” He started crying, again. “I can’t forget you. I can’t, Todd. I’m sorry-”

       “Dirk-” More insistent.

       “SHUT UP FOR ONE BLOODY FUCKING MINUTE AND LET ME FUCKING GET THIS OVER WITH BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING HARD!” Woah. He shouted at the top of his lungs before returning to normal, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Half apologizing for freaking out and half apologizing for his feelings. “I am. I can’t help it, I can’t help that I love you but I do.”

       He sped up almost incoherently, vomiting out words, not caring if he was repeating himself or saying things that didn’t make sense. Let him choose his words and tone for this ok? Like he said, this was hard. “Just promise me, promise me you won’t leave because I don’t think I could take it because honestly you saved my life in so many ways not only physical and I couldn’t bear if you left so promise me you won't leave and I don’t care if you aren’t my best friend anymore just don’t drop off the face of the earth and promise me-”

       “Dirk-”

       “SHUT UP, TODD.”

       “I LOVE YOU!”

        Dirk jolted back, not quite sure if he heard Todd right. If his mind was playing tricks on him, if Todd was playing tricks on him.

       “Oh, now you’re just being cruel.” His voice accusatory.

       “No, I do!” His voice defensive.

       “You’re just saying that to shut me up. Because I’m annoying and stupid and-”

       “What did I say about saying that about yourself?” 

       “Not to.” He pouted, “But you don’t. I think I would have figured that out by now.”

       “I didn’t figure it out”

       “Yes, but you’re just saying that. How do I know you love me?”

       Todd smiled. The first time he smiled that night. 

        “Because I do. Because you changed me. You made me a better person. And my life was boring before I knew you. And it sucked. And I know that doesn’t mean much but this does. And I wish you could see yourself like I do. The amazing, kind, wonderfully-crazy, funny and, not going to lie, sexy man you are.” Dirk chuckled and hid his face. “I want you to know that you make my life better. You give me a meaning and purpose I didn’t have before. You make me happy, Dirk. You make me so happy. And I hope that’s enough for you to know that I do love you and I’m not just ‘saying it’.”

        “I’m sorry, Todd.” He looked up, holding back more tears. This was a night very much filled with tears.

       Todd shook his head confused, “For what?”

       “For yelling, and assuming you were lying.”

       “Nah, I get it. I’m an asshole. I wouldn’t believe me either.”

       “Ok, if I’m not allowed to say I’m stupid and annoying you  definitely  aren’t allowed to call yourself an asshole. We both know how I feel about you calling yourself that.”

       “Ok, how about dickhead?” He laughed and Dirk playfully shoved him. 

       “That might be worse.”

       All of the anxiety was slowly wearing off, and it left them in a quiet moment. 

       A very quiet moment.

       Too quiet.

       They stared at each other, smiling. Heat rising to their faces, ok maybe they were just too angry and sad to notice it earlier but they were both made suddenly aware of their red faces. 

       “God, this is awkward,” Dirk mumbled as he twiddled with his thumbs. 

       “Yep,” Todd replied.

       Silent again. 

       How did they manage that?

       And then Dirk realized something. 

       Something big.

       His eyes widened and Todd immediately recognized the expression. Dirk had figured something out. Something holistic.

       And before Todd had any time to respond. Any time to process…

        Dirk’s mouth was on his.

        He leapt forward, not thinking, much like he did with everything in his life. He never thought. Ever. It was quite relaxing actually. 

       Unaware of his brute force, that combined with Todd’s shock had sent them spiraling backwards into the couch. Todd’s eyes wide.

       And all he could think, well, no, he couldn’t think. All he could  feel  was, “Oh my god this is actually happening! Is this happening? It better be fucking happening, and holy shit his lips are soft- ” Soft despite the fact that the kiss was awkwardly aggressive and very quick. It all happened in about a second. One second before Dirk realized what he had done.

       He pulled back extremely suddenly, but still hovering over Todd as the couch swallowed him whole, cheeks fire-engine red, spilling out his words in a perfectly Dirk-y way. 

       “Oh-my-god-I’m-so-sorry-I-didn't-ask-first-and-I-didn't-think-and-I-just-did-and-did-I-just-mess-up-did-I-misjudge-the-situation-I’m-so-stupid-and-oh-no-am-I-squishing-you?!”

       And Todd just smiled and grabbed the sides of his jacket, pulling his face back down to his, and he kissed him. This time properly. 

       And Dirk melted at the touch. This was nothing like kissing Brett, this felt right, safe, home. Like the entire universe had been preparing for this moment. 

       It started soft and slow, meant to show Dirk how much he meant everything he said, how much he loved him. And then he started to realize that it was finally happening, and he hungered for more, and Dirk obliged, sending their kiss deeper and deeper. Fully enveloping themselves in each other, in this perfect kiss, this perfect moment. This moment where everything was as it was supposed to be for once. 

       All they could think of was each other and how for the love of God had they not done this sooner.

       Breathless, Todd pulled back and moved his arms around Dirk’s neck, and looked fondly into his eyes.

       “I-I think… I think I know why the universe wanted me to come here.” Dirk breathed with a wide smile brandishing his swollen, pink lips.

       Todd laughed, “You think?”

[ghoste-catte]

multiples of 3 ✌🏼-sgmdrcklee

@sagemoderocklee you’re really trying to kill me lol

This got long as heck so I’m throwing it behind a cut. Read on for answers and fic recs! (Mostly the fic recs)

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

This is a tough one to answer for me generally because I tend to spit words onto the page and once I have written them I no longer remember writing them. And 2020 has stretched on so long that as I’m looking at some of the stuff I wrote in the beginning of this year, I hardly remember what’s even in it. I think at one point someone (@goblin-draws maybe?) mentioned a line in Sleeptalk with Me where the innkeeper calls Kankuro “chubby boy”, and I was like “Oh ... did I write that? Yeah, sounds like something I’d have someone say to Kankuro ...” 

It might be easier to talk about this in other terms. One of the scenes I worked the hardest on this year was the fight scene in Chapter 3 of Skeleton Key. The original draft of the scene was a lot shorter, and a lot of the backstory for Misaki’s revenge quest was elided. The scene as originally written was clunky, confusing, and as my lovely wife/beta put it sounded “like a Naruto villain” was doing the dialogue, when previously she’d found Misaki sinister and intriguing. Which wasn’t what I wanted. I basically entirely overhauled the scene and re-wrote it several times. I wouldn’t call it a ‘favorite’ scene (I hate writing fight scenes generally; having chosen to immerse myself in a fandom about ninja where much of the drama comes from battle is my eternal regret), but it is a scene that I put a lot of effort into, and I’m moderately satisfied with the improved product that resulted.  

6. least popular fic this year

By far my least popular fic by kudos ever is Pitch Perfect. Which makes complete sense to me. It’s a fic where I’ve written 2 characters who are men in canon as cis women, which pushes a lot of uncomfortable buttons for a lot of people. It contains F/F smut, which is something that a lot of people who choose to read GaaLee probably aren’t out there looking for. And people comment and kudos less on smutfics, I assume because they don’t want their username attached to porn or because they’re embarrassed (which I totally get, no shame there). It’s a modern AU with a sports twist, and AUs are often less popular than canonverse in my experience. I will say though that it has a surprisingly high number of private bookmarks compared to other fics with comparable hit and kudos counts. So I assume people are just a bit more shy because the premise is so ‘out there’. I will say as far as my fics go, it’s one of my personal favorites and probably one of the most intimate and true-to-life things I’ve written? So it actually is a little comforting to know that something so vulnerable has relatively little attention. 

9. longest wip of the year

If we’re going based on stuff that’s partially published but not complete, my Gaara-adopts-Shinki fic On My Way Home is my longest in-progress fic at just over 20k words, although technically I started it in 2019. It will probably end up being right around 40-50k when it’s complete, which might end up situating it as my longest fic ever? 

12. favorite character to write about this year

Okay, this is an easy one. I love writing Kankuro. I think he is hilarious. He is the devil on my shoulder and a creature of pure id, and every time I write a line of dialogue for him it’s the summation of my rudest thoughts about a situation put in the crudest possible terms. If there were a megaphone directly from my unfiltered brain giving running commentary, that would be Kankuro.

15. something you learned this year

I have learned SO much this year! This is only my 2nd year properly ‘focusing’ on writing fic and investing any substantial time into it. I think the biggest thing I have learned, though, is how to overcome a lot of my self-consciousness about writing stories with NSFW elements in them. Starting out, I was so extremely shy and mortified about writing fic at all, much less things like hugging or (god forbid!) kissing. So taking on the smut prompts I took this year and really buckling down on learning to write the mechanics and emotions of sex has been a massive learning experience. (And sorry, by the way, if I haven’t gotten to a prompt you sent me in January yet. I do intend to write all of them eventually!) 

18. current number of WIPs

Ah. The call-out question. My general fic process is idea -> outline -> wip -> edit -> ready to post (where the final draft sits in my docs until I gin up the courage to actually post it). So skipping fics that are just “ideas” on the big mega-list, I have 3 fics in the “outline” stage, 13 fics in the partially written “wip” stage, 1 fic in the “editing” stage, and 2 that are complete but yet-to-be-posted. So, like, 19 total in the offing. (The “ideas” list is even worse lol.)

21. most memorable comment/review

This is such a difficult question because every single comment I get makes me do a little dance for joy. That’s not an exaggeration btw I really sit there and like bounce around in my seat for a moment before I open the Ao3 email. I am not an especially emotive person irl, but there have been times I’ve been brought near tears by comments. I’ll also occasionally show them to my wife like !! look at this nice thing this person said !! and she’s indulgent enough to actually read them. There have been a couple comments that have really stuck with me, that I starred in my inbox and return to frequently, but I don’t want to bring attention to someone else without their permission. I will say there was one person recently who mentioned (not in the comments on one of my fics) that they had found someone who does physical binding of fanfiction and they were about to ask my permission to do that, but then the person who does the binding only does certain ships that she likes ... so that, just, absolutely floored me. The idea that someone might actual want a physical copy of my stupid little ninja fanfictions is, like, so truly immense and completely overwhelming?

24. favorite fic you read this year

You can’t make me pick just one!! (For reference, I have bookmarked right around 180 fics in the past year, and that’s not including fics that I just read, really enjoyed, but didn’t think I could ‘handle’ a second time around.) So, skipping over the ones that AREN’T Naruto ... here is a brief sampling of some faves:

Silica by deepestbluest (rated E, GaaLee, ShikaTema, and Kankiba) - An absolute emotional powerhouse of a fic that manages to skillfully interweave three complex relationship dynamics, satisfactorily resolve them, and give you ALL the sandsibs feels in just over 10k words. 

Childhood Not-Friends (series) by MegaWallflower (rated G, KakaGai) - @megawallflower is a KakaGai god for good reason. Absolutely adorable relationship development fics (five of them!) with the premise that Kakashi thinks he and Gai have been dating since they were kids ... Gai just hasn’t been clued into it yet. These stories will give you heart-eyes.

The Bright Side by gidget_goes (rated T, GaaLee) - This is the Buffy AU I never knew I needed, because I’ve never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But truly you don’t need any Buffy knowledge to enjoy this fic. @gidget-goes command of imagery is masterful, and the way they manage to snap from snark to tugging at your heartstrings is awe-inspiring. Gaara breaks my heart in this. And did I mention Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat? Because Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat. 

Nature vs. Nurture by Bidiza (rated T, GaaLee) - So introspective and so poetic. This looks like a WIP but it’s actually multiple oneshots, although by the end of the second one you’ll be dying for the rest of the promised series. 

I’m a Fool to Want You by BeelieveRosemarie (rated M, GaaLee) - Turns out @tuttiefruttiegaalee isn’t just an amazing artist, they’re a writer, too! Slow-dancing that will break your heart. Listen to the Frank Sinatra song while you read this for extra tear-jerking effect.

Let Love be Known (series) by TenTomatoes (rated G, GaaLee) - This is the twist on the arranged marriage trope and Beauty and the Beast that I didn’t realize this fandom was missing. I’m absolutely obsessed with their concept of Gaara as the Beast

I Could Be by LilacNoctua (rated T, GaaLee) - I know I big up @lilac-writes Worthwhile series a lot (deservedly so, because it’s so good it makes you look at the series and go “Why the fuck didn’t Kishimoto make this canon exactly like this?”), but this story made me absolutely die between the butterflies in my stomach and how hard I was laughing. There’s one line--you’ll know it when you read it--that absolutely bowls me over every time I re-read this. 

And Then Continue by EgregiousDerp (rated E, GaaLee) - Obviously I’m biased because this was a gift, but @egregiousderp writes some of the the best characterized porn I’ve ever read. You will read this and go “Wow! This is exactly how it would happen!” It’s such a tender, beautiful exploration of Gaara’s insecurities and a very real feeling first time, for all its soft edges. 

Cake by citronelle (rated E, KanKiba) - I don’t even know what to say about this one other than ... phew, this is extremely well written, extremely hot, and extremely in character. Just read it. I promise it’s worth it. 

Saudade by YumKiwiDelicious (rated M, GaaLee) - I’ve run around reccing this to just about every person on the face of the earth at this point. If you’re in the GaaLee Discord you probably saw everyone salivating over every new update of this fic and with good reason. The twists and turns of this fic will have you on the edge of your seat, second guessing every single moment. And it will break your heart in the meantime. What more could you want?

the love potion commotion by floating_cats (rated T, NejiSasu with background GaaLee) - One of those fics where you wish the author’s sense of humor was your own. So many hilarious moments in this story, and it brought me a new appreciation for a ship I never would have even considered. 

Finger Lickin’ Good by whazzername (rated E, GaaLee) - Whazz is another one of those authors where I literally want to rec every single thing she’s ever written, she’s just that good. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t read Fools Rush In and its sequel Degrees of Separation, you’re missing out on the best possible Metal origin story of all time. Don’t deprive yourself of this.) But this story is just ... so incredibly in character for a situation that reads like crack. It’s handled with the utmost straight-facedness and it’s so. freakin’. good. 

heart lines by winterberry_holly (rated M, NejiTen and GaaLee) - I don’t even have the words to describe how perfect this fic is. It’s a truly beautiful exploration of Tenten’s relationship with her palmistry hobby and with the people in her life. My heart ached with every single line. 

Standing on Ceremony by kuroashi (rated E, GaaLee) - This is just ... such a beautiful wedding story. So lovely, like getting the best possible warm hug from someone you love. If that love one was slightly strange and socially inept, because, well. It’s still Gaara doing Gaara-things. @baphometsss is another one of those authors whose handling of smut scenes is so stupendous it makes me wildly jealous. 

Thrall by RokiRiot (rated T, GaaLee) - Idiots-to-lovers with a magic AU twist! This is such a wonderful story, and Gaara’s internal monologue is absolutely amazing. And Lee is Deaf in this fic, which I never ever get to see and which absolutely made my entire day/week/month/life. 

Make-Out Consequences by LuxaLucifer (rated M, KakaGai with background canon Boruto ships) - I laughed so hard reading this that I had to take a breather to stop crying. That’s not an exaggeration. The characterization in this fic is impeccable and the humor is to die for. Naruto’s buffoonery truly shines here, and the author’s wit is just beyond anything I could even properly summarize. Hysterical. A++. 

Thirteen Strokes by Luna_Lee (rated T, GaaLee) - Again, like, if you aren’t reading literally everything @sagemoderocklee writes, are you even really a GaaLee fan? But this fic is beyond even for one of Eeri’s incredibly excellent writings. The worldbuilding in this, the cultural notes, the imagery ... it’s all so lush and so fulfilling and so beautiful. It’s a story about love and it’s a story that you can tell has love poured into every single line. I can’t recommend it enough. 

Checkmate by shadowstrangle (rated G, GaaLee) - The pettiness vibes ... this is so funny. Such a cute story and I love Gaara’s sense of humor here. Not a lot of writers give him a sense of humor, but I love how @shadowstrangle gives him a slightly odd, slightly left-of-center take on humor that still manages to be so funny. 

To Court a Village by FanFictionEngineer (rated G, GaaLee) - Another one where my bias is perhaps slightly obvious, but the premise of this fic is amazing. I love cultural misunderstandings, and the idea of Lee trying his hardest to court Gaara ineptly is just so perfect. 

affliction of feeling by theformerone (rated E, SakuHina) - One of those ships that it would never have occurred to me to seek out but that absolutely works with how the author’s set it up. The dynamics here are delicious. It’s so rare to find good F/F porn but this is one of them for sure. 

Tried and Tested by twentysomething (Rated M, KakaIru with background canon Boruto ships and GaaLee) - Iruka’s narration in this story is just incredible. I haven’t laughed this hard reading a fic in ages. And the concept alone (that Naruto can’t be promoted to Hokage until he passes his chuunin exams ... as an adult ... and Sasuke gets dragged along for the ride) is just brilliant. Amazing concept, amazingly executed. 

a fireside waltz by winterberry_holly (rated M, GaaLee) - I really tried not to rec a single author more than once here but for this one I had to. I got about halfway through this fic and immediately started running around ringing the town crier bell like READ THIS FIC! READ THIS FIC! An absolutely smoldering Regency AU with such beautiful, intimate dance scenes. My heart was racing every single time their fingers brushed. If you don’t read anything else on this list, at the very least read this. 

27. favorite fanfic author of the year

I really can’t pick just one. I am lucky enough that @egregiousderp passes me her drafts under the table before (or without) publishing, and getting to read those is a private treat of unparalleled proportions. Some of my favorite things I’ve read this year I can’t even rec because they’re her unpublished stuff. 

30. favorite fandom to read fic from this year

This is gonna come off strange because I just wrote such a long Naruto reclist, but I recently watched What We Do in the Shadows, and found an incredibly talented group of authors in that fandom with really amazingly good dialogue and narrative voice. I also read a lot of fic for the new It movies (even though I couldn’t watch the 2nd one for ~reasons~), and damn if there isn’t a talented crop of authors in that fandom, too. And finally with ATLA making its way onto Netflix, I had the chance to start watching that for the first time and found a ton of really good fic there as well! 

fanfic end of the year asks!

[dragonleesupporter]

Incomplete Without You (Part 1)

Hey guys! Sorry I’ve been dead for so long. I wanted to make this for a loong time but lost motivation multiple times and nearly lost the whole damn file.

WARNING: Triggers for disablement, depression, talk of a suicide attempt, and panic attacks.

He grumbled as he was pushed along the sidewalk. He had every reason to complain, every reason to be upset, especially when a jogger moved past them. He was always told to be thankful to still be alive with his strange condition. Well, at least he could move his head and face muscles.

            “C’mon man, you said a view of the lake would make you feel better!” Remy prodded his cheek. “Where’s that smile?”

            “Dead. Long dead. Like the rest of my soul.” Virgil growled.

            “Ugh. This job’s sooo boring!” The sunglass-wearing punk complained.

            “Then forfeit your salary so the rest of me can die in peace.”

            Virgil was paralyzed from the shoulders, down. He couldn’t feel his body and needed constant assistance from those willing to put up with his acidic, pessimist attitude to help him do… pretty much everything. He couldn’t even hold his goddamn diploma when he graduated high school. Remy had to hold it for him. He had to give the coffee lover credit where credit was due. He was the one who had lasted the longest as his caretaker. Taking him on “walks” as to not make him feel helplessly alone. Thankfully, his parents did everything else, like dress him and clean him and lay him down to sleep.

            Even though he didn’t feel as alone with Remy keeping up gossipy conversations, he did feel piercing envy for anyone he saw around him. Laughing with their friends, running, swimming, riding bicycles, dancing… Not to mention the people that made fun of him, and yet he was supposed to be more positive that he wasn’t dead? Death would merciful to someone in Virgil’s position. He couldn’t even kill himself. Not to say he didn’t try. The closest he had gotten was when he had annoyed someone enough to shove him into the lake, who was unaware of his condition, while Remy was in the bathroom. Little did he know that the sassy teen was a fast pisser and was able to rescue him.

 Why couldn’t he just be fucking normal? Even for a day?

 “Oh hey, that man child texted you again.” Remy’s naturally condescending voice interrupted his thoughts. But he couldn’t help but smile just a little. “Puppylover99? What did he say?”

 “Work is super fun today! Got to hug a lot of people! Every time I hugged someone, I thought of you, kiddo!” Remy put on a high-pitched feminine-like voice, which made Virgil laugh, no matter how much he hated it.

            “You ass!” He would’ve hit him playfully if he could.

            “Is that what you want me to say?” Remy gave a cocky smirk, opening up messages.

            “No no no!” He shook his head madly, making his caretaker laugh even harder than Virgil did.

            “So… what- oh! He sent another.” Virgil’s smile widened as a small blush made its way onto his face, even though he was trying his best to fight it. “Anyway, I was wondering when I’d be able to hug you in person! I know we both live in Purble County.”

            Virgil’s smile was gone instantly. He had never physically met with any of his online friends before… What would he think? That he… wouldn’t be able to hug him back? Tears filled his eyes, and he couldn’t even wipe them away.

            Remy quickly pulled onto an alleyway so no one would see him like this. The caretaker quickly wiped his face and massaged the base of his neck to calm him. “I’m sorry, I should’ve read it and warned you first.”

            “It’s fine, Remy…” He sniffled.

            He was just about calmed down when he saw two people cheering just outside the alley, diving into each other’s arms.

            “It’s you!”

          “I can’t believe I found you!”

            Soulmates were a natural part of life in this world. Usually in the form of blanked out tattoos on someone’s skin that gets filled in when they meet their soulmate. There are other soulmates whose signs are a bit different, however. There was a case ten years ago where two people, one blind in the right eye, and the other blind in the left that magically gained full sight upon meeting each other. They were pronounced soulmates and are still together to this day. There were other cases where individuals didn’t have tattoos or anything of the sort, and lived their whole life out without a lover, claiming it was meant to be that way. Others have multiple soulmates. The subject is so complex, Virgil had to take multiple classes on it in high school.

 Virgil had been told by scientists and priests alike that he most likely wouldn’t have a soulmate based on the religious belief that cripples couldn’t contribute enough to a relationship, (welcome to Virgil’s church-hell) and the scientific data doctors collected from him on a weekly basis. Most of the population that was physically disabled in a 2018 case study found that they never found soulmates. Since Virgil was such a rare case, the doctors demanded data be collected from him every week to see if they couldn’t figure out what had caused it and if a cure couldn’t be found. His parents greatly profited from this, and so did he to an extent, but it just made him feel like a specimen instead of a living person.

 And seeing two people unite in the soulmate tradition only made him break down more. It wasn’t fair… it wasn’t fair…

 Remy did his best trying to distract him and take his mind away from it, wiping his tears and hugging him around his neck, where he could feel the comfort of it. After the whole meltdown finally was over, Remy suggested going to a food attraction place for lunch, and Virgil reluctantly agreed, eyes bloodshot from all his crying.

 Afternoon Benedict was a place he had never gone before, but since Remy said he knew people who worked there, he didn’t feel as anxious going. Plus, some afternoon breakfast didn’t sound half bad.

 He was wheeled in and saw a very friendly person up front with a pink apron on, saying “free hugs!” on it. He greeted them warmly, bright blue eyes, blondish-brown hair, milky white baby skin, with so many freckles dancing across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, his face looked like a sprinkled birthday cake. Virgil had to resist the smile that was tugging at his lips.

 “Hi! Where would you like to be seated?” His voice was so sugary sweet, the emo could feel his teeth rotting.

 “Anyplace with chairs that pull out. He can’t leave this one.” Remy gestured to his friend.

 Internal sigh.

 “Okay! Coming right up!” He dashed away and got a nice table ready before beckoning them over.

 Virgil got wheeled over and situated. “Now, what can I get for you two?” His honey-dripped voice asked them.

 “I guess… some scrambled eggs with toast? And apple juice with a long straw if you can manage?” Virgil kept the quiver of anxiety out of his voice well enough.

 “I’ll have my usual, bud.” Remy winked at the friendly employee.

 “Okay! It’ll be out soon!” He danced away to Virgil’s humor.

 Now came the part he dreaded about eating out. Remy took a couple bites of his food when it arrived, then started feeding Virgil. The coffee lover had quickly learned not to tease Virgil about having to be fed like an infant, as he’d either get a bite on his finger, or he’d have to help him calm from another meltdown.

 Virgil was thankful that no odd glares had been sent his way yet. Maybe Remy had set this whole thing up so he didn’t have to worry about anybody judging. No matter how tough the sunglass-wearing nerd acted, Virgil knew he had a soft side. A love for kittens, an admiration for children pop star singers, a small addiction to baby sugar sticks… he knew it was there.

 As the cooks were preparing the meal, the cheerful waiter was told to take his last 10-minute break. He skipped to the back and checked his phone excitedly. He was a little saddened that MCR10150 hadn’t responded to him yet, but he kept his hopes high and ate a quick snack while listening to music.

 Even if he couldn’t taste anything, the happy music made the food go down better, like a spoon full of sugar.

 Virgil was just about full when the bubbly waiter came over again. “Are you two ready for the bill? Or would you like to see our dessert menu?” He looked over at Virgil, who was being fed another forkful of scrambled eggs.

 “Luckyyy!” He squealed.

 The emo nearly spit his food out at that, but managed to swallow it.

 “Excuse me?”

 “I’d kill to be in your seat! Being fed without a worry in the word! You must feel like royalty! Nonono-wait!” He suddenly bowed. “My highness.”

 Virgil couldn’t help it. He bursted out laughing. Just the sheer ridiculousness and confusion-not to mention the irony- of the whole situation made him utterly crack up.

 Remy sighed with relief. He knew Patton could be overbearing at times. Yesterday, when he had told the staff and usual visitors about Virgil and how to act around him when he brought him in, Patton wasn’t there, but he was glad Virgil wasn’t offended or distraught over his behavior. It was hard to predict that kid.

 “Well… he doesn’t have much of a choice.” He explained after Virgil started to calm from his laughter. “He can’t feel any of his body other than his head and neck.”

 “Oh! I’m so sorr-“

 “No! Please don’t pity me…” Virgil growled out, interrupting the poor employee.

 Patton gave a quiet whimper, his smile becoming forced. “S-so, will that be bill or dessert?”

 Virgil felt bad now. Even though he hardly knew this living cartoon, seeing his bright cute face darken with sadness made him feel even more dead inside.

 God dammit, he thought to himself.

 “Virgil? It’s up to you.” Remy murmured. He tried to give Virgil a choice whenever he had the chance. He was indifferent to having dessert or not, but he wanted Virgil to feel like he was in control, even if it was for little things.

 “What kind of dessert menu comes out of a breakfast place?”

 To be continued…

  @cefsticklestoo @thestarswelcomemewithopenarms @my-anxiety-hasanxiety

@poptartsaysurloved @leedrop-angel @lavenders-loveforthings @ I’m sorry I forgot everyone else. O.o