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katehuntington · 3 years

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Title: Ride With Me (part 23) Fandom: Supernatural Timeline: 2008 Pairing: Dean x Reader Word count: ±5200 words Summary series: Y/N is a talented horse rider who is on her way to become a professional. In order to convince her father that she deserves the loan needed to start her own farm, she goes to Arizona for six months, to intern at a ranch owned by Bobby and Ellen Singer. Her future is set out, but then she meets a handsome horseman, who goes by the name of Dean Winchester. A heartwarming series about a cowboy who falls for the girl, letting go of the past and the importance of family. Summary part 23: The Flagstaff Horsefair has turned out to be a huge success, but before they go home, an unexpected visitor changes everything. Warnings series: NSFW, 18+ only! Fluff, angst, eventually smut. Swearing, smoking, alcohol intoxication, alcohol abuse. Mutual pining, heartbreak. Crying, nightmares, childhood trauma. Description of animal abuse, domestic violence, mentions of addiction. Financial problems, stress, mental breakdown. Description of blood and injury, hospital scenes, character death, grief. Music: Dean’s ride: Time Has No Mercy - The Common Linnets Follow ‘Kate Huntington’s Ride With Me playlist’ on Spotify! Author’s note: Thank you @atc74, and @winchest09 for helping me. Also a special thanks to @jules-1999, who has offered me her knowledge about rodeo events like these, and @squirrelnotsam, who knows Arizona like the back of her hand.

Ride With Me Masterlist

The final day of the Flagstaff Horsefair 2008 is well on its way, the sun beating down on the market stalls and food trucks. Spectators mix with riders and trainers, some having drinks on the terras, others shopping at the tack and clothing stores. Giggling kids are chasing each other on the grass, the younger ones riding stick horses. Dean smiles at the children when they cross in front of him as he walks up towards the picture stand, slowing his step for a moment in order not to collide with the squealing youthful bunch.

By a van with ‘Equestrian Photo’ on the side, he pauses, then moves under the awning. The saleswoman gives out a printed photo to waiting clients on the side, wishing them a good day before she directs her attention to Dean. She greets him with a kind smile which the cowboy returns. Linda knows he doesn’t need help finding the images taken during this event, it’s not the first time the horse trainer has visited the photo stand over the years. Quite a few of the photos hanging on the walls in the Singer’s home and the cafeteria were made by Linda’s boss, the photographer who regularly works horse shows in the region. Ellen usually buys at least one when either he or Jo got on the podium. Dean isn’t interested in purchasing a photo of one of his own rides, though.

He looks up when the red-haired photographer stumbles into the van from the back entrance, one Nikon hanging from a sling, dangling on her hip, and another one on a monopod with a huge zoom lens attached to it resting against her shoulder. Her curls are wild and it’s clear she’s in a hurry, the next class about to start already. “Hi, Dean,” she greets, recognizing the familiar horseman instantly. “Hey.” He nods at her with a smile, his eyes flicking back to the screen. “How’s it going?” “Good. Busy,” she returns, taking out the battery of the cameras skillfully and swapping them for fully charged ones. “But busy is good these days, ain’t it? You had a few good runs, didn’t ya?” “Can’t complain,” he admits, grinning as he thinks about how successful this event has been so far. “Your student gave quite the performance last night,” the photographer smirks, handing Linda the memory card and taking back empty Sandisks to replace them with.

Dean looks up at her over the screen, noticing the mischief in her eyes. The way she just emphasized the word ‘student’ tells him that she knows exactly what’s up. He raises his eyebrows and chuckles, flustered. Looks like just about everyone in the business is up to speed at this point.

“Check out the ones at the bottom of the folder. You can thank me later,” the redhead advises, grabbing a chocolate bar and a bottle of water from the small fridge under the counter before she heads for the back door again. “Gotta run!”

Somewhat confused, Dean watches her head off to the main arena, before he redirects his attention to the display in front of him again. Stills of last night’s highlights pass by, allowing him to relive the amazing moments. The shots of the actual run are great, although he can imagine that Y/N and Meadow aren’t the most difficult pair to shoot. The Quarter mare is very photogenic with her copper coat and broad white blaze. She’s elegant, much like her rider, who has a fantastic seat, which shows, even on a still image.

Curious what the capturer of these images means, the cowboy goes down further, reaching a series of photos that show the seconds right after Y/N finished her freestyle, her arms wrapped around her horse’s neck, hugging her tight. He makes a mental note to pick that one.

There are more of her coming towards the entrance, waving at the crowd, but it’s the next couple of shots that has his jaw fall slack. The photographer must have sprinted to the other side of the tunnel before the horse and rider left the ring, because she managed to document the exact moment when he and his girlfriend embraced, Y/N still in the saddle, his arm around her, the emotional release evident. Jo is holding on to Meadow’s reins on the other side, smiling as she watches her friend and her cousin.

The next photo shows just the two of them, standing in the gateway facing the arena while waiting for the score, followed by a shot of him lifting her off the ground when the realization of the new PR settled in. The final picture has to be his favorite. It’s one of the kiss they shared. The composition of the portrait is astonishing, the spotlights on the showground illuminating the figures in the center, silhouettes against the vibrant arena. His heart grows, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He never thought he would be able to experience what he felt at that moment again, the great magnitude of pride, joy, and love. But this photo brings it all back, and he has to have it.

Still smiling at the warm feeling that has settled in his entire body, Dean scribbles down the file numbers on the order form and hands it to the blonde saleswoman, together with a fifty-dollar-bill. The wrangler bought six in total, one to frame and decorate the wall in the cafeteria, four for his girlfriend. The chosen photos are shots of horse and rider in a sliding stop, of the second right after finishing the test when Y/N threw her arms around Meadow’s neck, and of the precious embrace between him and his girl. He got a double print of the kiss they shared, one for her, one for him.

It’s a picture that he will cherish, come whatever. A picture he wants to be able to look at when he needs to, to remind himself of what he has got going for him. He knows challenging times are coming, with the ranch, with their relationship. Dean is well aware he’s approaching that inevitable turning point when he has to open up further than the lost boy with a dark past is comfortable with. But this photo, a moment forever frozen in time, will be the beacon he needs to find his way home.

Dean takes the envelope with the printed pictures from Linda and heads towards the ring. Jo is due to enter the arena in ten minutes and he wouldn’t want to miss it, for one, because she is going to bust his ass if he’s not there. It sometimes baffles him how his little cousin acts like she can’t stand being around him and yet searches for his approval so often.

He takes out the photo he wants to save for himself together with the one he will add to the cafeteria’s Wall of Fame, and slips them in the inner pocket of his denim jacket before he reaches the foot of the bleachers. With big strides, he conquers the steps, looking left and right in search of his friends once he has made it to the top. He spots Benny and Y/N on one of the higher rows when the farrier lifts his hat off his head and whistles. This barrel race is one of the highlights of the event and the arena is almost filled to full capacity, only a few seats left. Thankfully, his girlfriend saved him a spot.

His smile grows wider when he sees the cowgirl, and deep inside he’s excited to give her the present he just purchased. He can’t wait to witness her reaction. “I got you somethin’,” Dean announces. Intrigued, Y/N pulls her focus away from the competitor currently in the ring and looks at her boyfriend, awaiting. He offers her the envelope, placing his now empty hands on his knees, somewhat nervously. “What’s this?” she wonders, her curiosity peaked. “Open it,” the cowboy urges. She does, carefully folding back the seal flap and taking out the prints. When she turns them over, she lets out a stunned gasp, much to her boyfriend’s delight. “These are amazing!” she says, elated, going through the pictures of her and Meadow slowly.

The last two photos silence her, however, much like they did Dean when he first saw them on the screen. Moved, she takes in the portraits of the strong bond between her and the man that’s sitting next to her. After a few long seconds, she glances aside, meeting his warm eyes. This cowboy with a John Wayne reputation - as Jo so poetically put it - sure has his ways. He might not be very vocal when it comes to his feelings, but that’s alright, because he is able to communicate through different languages. A kiss, a dance, his trust, his support. And now these photos. It’s proof of his adoration for her, and it’s more valid than a signature.

She closes the small gap between them, moving under his hat, and grazes her soft lips over his. Ignoring his Southern friend, who lets out a low chuckle when he notices the lovebirds next to him, the head wrangler closes his eyes and kisses her back. His hand travels into her hair and holds her, making sure she doesn’t go anywhere. He can feel every connection; her featherlight fingertips on his stubble, her cute nose against his, her lashes dusting the freckles from his cheeks. Dean doesn’t need words, but neither does she.

When he slowly pulls away from her, he looks at her lovingly, forgetting time for a moment. It’s only when the commentator announces Jo’s name over the speakers, that they return their attention to the arena. The gate opens and his cousin and her horse Bullet shoot towards the first barrel, the animal doing his name justice. The three wranglers of the Gold Canyon ranch get on their feet, cheering on the blonde cowgirl, who goes through the course in record time. When she clocks a new PR, Y/N bounces on her feet, hugging Dean tight and letting out that laugh that he loves so much.

They don’t notice Benny’s gaze wandering off to the car park behind the bleaches. He has spotted a beige pickup pulling in. Like a hawk, the farrier follows the GMC truck. “We’re going over to Jo to celebrate. Are you coming?” The enthusiastic intern calls for Benny’s attention, and he turns his head to face his best pal’s girlfriend. “In a minute, darlin’,” he says, giving her a smile. “Gonna watch a few more runs.” “Alright, see you in a bit, brother,” Dean chuckles happily, before his girlfriend drags him towards the exit by his hand.

The Southerner watches them leave, then redirects his attention to the beat-up car on the field. A man gets out, his face shielded by a black cowboy hat. His posture seems familiar, he’s not even sure why. Benny narrows his eyes, but the figure is too far away to recognize. Then the frown evens out, his jaw falling slack. Suddenly, it clicks. “No fuckin’ way in hell…” he mumbles to himself.

But there ain’t no way, right? He can’t be here. Before Benny can decide otherwise, he bolts towards the steps to get down from the bleachers, hoping to not lose sight of the guy. He better make sure who just set foot on the showgrounds is exactly who he suspects he is, before he breaks the news to his best friend.

Dean swings the heavy saddle onto Aerosmith’s back, his last horse to compete at this tournament. After this run, all that’s left for him to do is coach Y/N and Joplin for their competition debut, and then they can all pack their gear and go home. Despite that he enjoys horse shows like these, he’s looking forward to his own room, his own bed. He’s looking forward to pulling up the driveway that leads to the place that is his home.

It has been a successful couple of days. With five horses sold and Joplin likely to add to that number, the Flagstaff Horsefair has proven to be very fruitful. Bobby made good money, and the ranch owner will be able to pay his crew, plus pay off some bills. Then there’s the business deal they landed with Fergus MacLeod. The cowboy might not like the Englishman in the slightest, but if they decide to take on Cain’s training, it will provide a much needed steady income. Dean isn’t delusional; he knows the ranch isn't out of the woods just yet, but it’s a start.

Humming and relaxed like he always is before competing, he tightens the cinch of the chestnut Quarter, petting him on the shoulder before he takes him out of the stable. “Good luck, cowboy.” The man who the words are meant for smiles, peeking into the stable next to him and noticing Y/N through the steel bars. She’s preparing Joplin, brushing her tail. Their starting time is only forty-five minutes after Dean’s, since both are competing in the same class. Sadly, she will not be able to see him ride. The mare next to his girlfriend pins her ears back and gives Aero a dirty look when the gelding comes too close for her liking. Both snigger at Joplin’s bitchy behavior.

“You’ll make it back in time to help me warm up, right?” she checks. “I’m kinda nervous, this being my first cutting competition and all.” “Yeah, of course,” he promises, shooting her a wink. “I’ll be there.”

Dean takes his horse outside, the Arizona sun welcoming him with bright light. A force of habit has him check his spurs and the tack before he positions himself on the left side of his horse in order to mount.

“Chief?” Looking over his shoulder, he sees Benny approaching. His strides are hasty, his jaw tensed. He checks if anyone is around before he halts and faces the head wrangler, who can read from the body language alone that something is off. “What is it?” he asks, his brows knitted together. The Southerner’s piercing blue eyes meet his gaze before he continues whispering. “I hate to do this now right before your run, brother, but--” “But what?” Dean urges when the farrier hesitates.

Benny draws in a deep breath and rubs his beard, needing a second to collect himself. He knows that what he is about to tell his best friend will have him shake on his foundations, but he needs to be prepared. He deserves to know who he might run into. The broad-shouldered ranch hand sighs, then delivers the unsettling message. “Your father is here.”

As if he just got struck by lightning, Dean stares at Benny, his eyes wide and mouth agape. The announcement rings in his ears, sounding more surreal every time the four words bounce off the walls inside his head. Reality hits him like a raging bull, however. His father is here. His father is here.

The head wrangler drops his gaze, his eyes flicking over little rocks and lumps of dirt by his feet. Speechless, he takes his hat off and wipes his forehead with his sleeve, realizing he’s sweating. His heart is hammering in his chest, so forceful that it hurts. Panic starts to win terrain, but he pushes it down and nods rigidly, acknowledging Benny’s words.

“Okay,” he returns after a few long seconds. “Thanks for telling me.” “If there’s anythin’--” Benny offers, but is interrupted by the man in front of him, who shoves his left foot into the stirrup and swiftly gets on his horse. “I’m good,” he assures, doing his best to come across as calm and collected.

Benny dips his chin, half accepting Dean’s choice to put this on hold for now. The rider has one last horse to compete, so the Southerner understands why he’s trying to keep his head in the game. He wishes he didn’t have to drop this bomb now, but there’s a chance his friend might run into John on these showgrounds. Benny might not know the entire story of what happened all those years ago, but he knows enough to recognize the impact the presence of Dean’s biological father will have. He watches quietly how the horseman pushes his legs into Aerosmith’s flanks and steers the horse towards the warmup arena without another word.

Suddenly nervous, Dean is highly aware of all the people who cross his path. He briefly studies them, even though recognizing the man who has been absent for over half of his life scares the hell out of him. Why the fuck is he here?

Dean isn’t just afraid of running into his old man; he’s angry. Angry about all the wrong choices that were made, angry about those memories rushing back to him. He stored them in a box and nailed the latch shut. He buried them, dug a hole deep enough to fit all those dark thoughts. He covered the surface with a thick layer of concrete, convinced that all those measures would be enough to lock away what he hoped to never feel again. Hopelessness, frustration, torment, aggression, guilt. But those emotions are now working their way through the cracks, like a weed that just won’t die, working up to the surface and showing its ugly head again.

But what has him exasperated the most, is the timing. Why now? His father hasn’t given a damn for fifteen years, fifteen fucking years, and now that Dean is finally getting to the point of allowing himself to be happy, he decides to show up? His fist clenches on the horn of the saddle, his nails digging into his palm. This isn’t fair!

His insides churn and twist even more when his mind snaps to Y/N. A sudden and heavy uneasiness settles in his chest, almost suffocating him. Shit, what if she runs into him? What if she learns the truth? Dean breathes out a shuddering breath, closing his eyes for a second while tipping his hat down. The panic that has his fingers shaky while he guides his horse into the warmup ring only grows with that thought. No no no, he thinks to himself. He can’t have his father ruin what is supposed to be his love story. He can’t lose this, he can’t lose her.

Preparing for his final ride goes anything but smoothly. The rider is so lost in thought that he accidentally cuts off another competitor and has to hit the brakes, apologizing to the cowgirl for the misstep. It’s a wake-up call, though; he really needs to focus and get his head straight. Aerosmith is one of the horses he and Bobby decided to hold on to a little longer, hoping the economy will be on its way to recovery somewhere next year so that they can make a better profit. Dean brought the younger stallion along to gain experience in the ring, yet he wants this ride to be solid, knowing a potential buyer could be watching.

But when he enters the arena, he can’t help but scan the crowd, suddenly aware that one of those pair of eyes is his father. He thinks of Y/N and how nervous she was last night, and suddenly it makes so much more sense what experiencing that kind of anxiety is like. The rider doesn’t even hear the announcement of his name over the amplifiers, he doesn’t hear Jo and Bobby shouting words of encouragement at him from the sideline. What he does hear is his rapidly beating heart, like a thundering echo of an oncoming storm.

He glances over his horse’s ears at the cattle in front of them. C’mon, Dean, this isn’t difficult. Separate a cow and let Aero do the work. Two and a half minutes and he will be out of the limelight. Who knows, maybe if they pack fast after Y/N’s ride, he won’t even run into his father.

The two herdholders that are in the ring to assist all contestants keep the group of young steers together. Unsettled, Dean swallows thickly and licks his dry lips, his eyes on the clock. When it starts ticking, he moves his hands forward and pushes Aerosmith towards the herd. The game is simple. In two and a half minutes, he has to separate two different heifers from the group and keep the selected cow in the middle of the arena, he and his Quarter the only boundary between the animal and his flock. He and Aero will be judged on degree of difficulty, confidence, and agility, but right now, all Dean is thinking about is surviving.

Deciding to not make it too complicated for his horse and himself, the horseman doesn’t pick a heifer too far into the herd on the first cut. Without disrupting the gathered bunch, the chestnut calmly makes his way through until Dean has decided on a cow, which he then carefully begins to push to the edge. When he has driven the brindle heifer out, Dean drops the reins and allows his Quarter to take the lead. Aerosmith locks on the lonely animal and crouches, skillfully keeping it in the center of the arena.

The crowd cheers, because the talented Quarter shows to be quick on his feet, darting from left and right and accelerating fast when his target tries to get around him. The cowboy keeps his balance, allowing his horse to move under him freely. After a few attempts to get past them, the cow yields and the rider signals Aero to back down. He blows out a breath. One down, one more to go.

The second cut goes according to plan as well. This time he does pick a heifer in the middle of the herd. The Quarterhorse tries not to disturb the rest of the cattle as he separates the one, but splitting the animals is not as clean as the first time. Once the cow is driven to the middle of the ring again, Aerosmith is back in his element and shows off his moves. Dean only has to sit back and let his partner under the saddle do the work, which he’s grateful for, because he feels like he wouldn’t be able to guide his horse in a simple circle if he had to.

The buzzer sounds; his two and a half minutes are up. Relieved, Dean exhales; at least he didn’t completely screw up their run. The young gelding really pulled through despite a nervous wreck of a rider on top of him, which just shows what a fantastic horse he is. “Thanks, bud,” Dean says softly, petting the chestnut on the shoulder.

The applause barely registers and it’s only when his eyes roam over the audience, that he notices the numbers on the board. 72.5 points; not bad. Normally, he would have been elated with a score like that, but now he just wants to get out of the ring as fast as possible, away from possible prying eyes. He feels like he’s being watched, well aware that his father is quite possibly amongst the people in the crowd. Call him a coward, but he needs to get out of here.

“Solid ride, Dean,” Bobby compliments when the rider comes through the gate, walking with him. When his nephew fails to respond, he looks up, narrowing eyes taking him in from under his baseball cap. “You okay, son?”

The troubled rider snaps his head at his uncle. Son. Bobby calls him that all the time and has done so ever since he took the lost boy under his wing all those years ago. Dean has grown accustomed to the title, even found comfort in it, glad to hear that word coming from his surrogate dad. But now the term confuses him. Suddenly, the man who has failed to step up to take care of his children and yet is his only living parent is here, and it is messing with his head in more ways than one. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says, quickly averting his gaze and walking on.

Bobby lets him go, but Dean can sense the ranch owner watching him carefully. Unable to stop himself from scanning the people around the warm-up area, he briefly acknowledges the congratulations wishes from a few of his opponents with a nod and a ‘thanks’. Normally he’s up for a chat after a good run, but not now. He feels like he’s about to lose his mind, and he wants to be alone when it happens. He needs space, he needs air.

After a few minutes of hacking, Dean reaches the stables, grateful to find them mostly empty. With the last competition currently taking place in the arena, a lot of competitors already packed their trucks and trailers and left throughout the morning and afternoon. At the other end of the tent two people are tacking up, but they are far out of earshot.

In front of Aerosmith’s stable, the rider dismounts and leads the Quarter into his box, making quick work of removing the tack and rinsing the chestnut down. With the saddle on his hip and the bridle in hand, he steps into the storage room. “How did it go?”

Dean startles and almost drops the heavy load he was carrying, spinning around to find Y/N in the doorway. Somehow, it completely slipped his mind that she would still be here. The cowgirl is wearing her show outfit again, but traded her black blouse for a denim one this time. Long chaps hang down from her waist, strapped around her legs, her brass spurs barely showing. Her boots are shining and her hair is braided, her lucky hat only just allowing him to behold the playfulness in her eyes. She looks absolutely perfect.

Clueless and carefree, she waits for an answer, but her happy expression falls slightly when she notices his reaction. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” she chuckles, somewhat self-conscious. “What has you on your toes?” The cowboy blinks at her a few times before he kicks into gear again, storing away the saddle in one of the tack boxes. “Nothin’. Yeah, it uh - it went alright. 72.5 points,” he says, smiling at her faintly, quick to dodge her unraveling gaze.

Silence follows and he knows that she’s studying him, but Dean can’t even look at her, not sure how to deal with the worry that he knows is evident on her beautiful face. The second he gets lost in the vision of his girl, he will fall apart, and that’s something the unsettled wrangler can’t allow to happen. He can’t let her see it, she can’t know. So instead, he moves past her through the doorway to fill a feeding net with hay, desperately searching for a way to keep himself busy as he tries to get a hold of himself.

“Dean? Hey…” Her voice sounds so warm and kind, that he can’t ignore her any longer. When he has strung up the net, he turns to his girlfriend, wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans. Concerned eyes take him in when he looks up. “You’re shaking,” she notices, gently wrapping her delicate fingers around his forearms. “What’s going on? Did something happen?”

Before she finishes her sentence completely, he’s already shaking his head. It’s more denial than an actual answer, refusing to give in to all the contradicting feelings that are pulling the rug from under his boots. She knows him well enough to see that he’s a total mess right now. His mask is faltering and he’s breaking character, unable to deliver the standard ‘I’m fine’. Can he tell her about the disturbing message Benny delivered earlier? She will have more questions, questions he is nowhere near ready to answer. But then again, he can’t lie to her either, not anymore.

Dean takes a deep breath in order to collect himself and looks at her as heavy footfalls draw his attention. Expecting Benny, he glances over his shoulder, ready to request if his friend can grant them some privacy, when he catches a glimpse of the person standing in the alley between the stables. Every muscle in his body tenses, an invisible fist squeezing his throat shut. His heart - which has been beating unhealthily fast since the alarming news was delivered to him about an hour ago - now seems to come to a full stop for a few solid seconds.

They might be in Arizona, but Dean just froze to the ground, unable to move or speak. All he can do is stare at the man that is his own spitting image, only three decades older. The familiar stranger is wearing a smile on his lips, emotion swimming in weary eyes. After fifteen years of silence, John Winchester stands before his oldest child, a broken voice delivering the words Dean never wished to hear again, and yet missed so dearly.

“Hello, son.”

Well, shit... Enough with the fluff. Angst is here!

Also, did you spot my little Stan Lee moment? Does a certain red-haired photographer seem familiar? Yep, that’s me!

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to like or reblog my work, shoot me a message or buy me coffee (Link to Kofi in bio at the top of the page).

Read part twenty-four here

#Ride With Me #Dean x Reader #Dean x Y/N #Cowboy!Dean #Dean AU #Cowboy!Dean AU #cowboy!dean x reader #cowboy dean #cowboy dean au #Supernatural AU #Dean Winchester AU #Dean Winchester #Supernatural #Dean Winchester fanfiction #Supernatural fanfiction #SPN #SPN fanfiction #Kate Huntington

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vinylhazza · 3 years

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ok so we all know that gray rushes/is eager about his relationships, but this time, what if the reader asks him to slow down or something? like she’s just getting started with her degree and she wants to slow down a bit, not rush into things, and eth agrees and gray is finally happy? also sorry if u aren’t taking concepts or requests lol

i feel like...low key....he needs this irl lol

this man doesn’t even have the phrase slow down in his vocabulary so when you say those words, the look of confusion that crossed over his face was to be expected. you knew you would have to spell it out for him, at least slightly. he gets in over his head with every relationship and wonders why they somehow fall apart so soon. some girls fall into that spell: the attractive guy wants me so it must be something real and true and they fall before they ever really form a strong bond, sliding to third base a time or two and tricking themselves into thinking it’s deeper than surface level lust.

but you, you are not the ‘kick it into high gear’ type of gal and you thought you made that pretty obvious from the start. grayson gets attached easily, we all know that. you take your days one at a time, scope out the pros and cons of every situation. and you know, yeah it might be a trauma response from the countless times people have fucked you over and made you out to be a fool from a very young age, but that same mindset has helped you dodge many bullets over the years.

his first initial infatuation—it’s no different with you, but you are how do you say—hyper aware of his intentions and motives. you’ve been screwed over, toyed with, used your fair share of times and the world be damned to hell if some buff fluffy brown haired boy with amber eyes and a smile that oozes light and happiness comes in treating you like you’re this...lost treasure and you just believe him. believe all of the pretty words, take his hand and follow him into the dark, blindly let yourself love someone again not be sure of what they expect out of the relationship. and damn you if you let him swoop in and carry you off like a princess from a tall tower. like he’s this knight in shining armor. you won’t be fooled by the cloud of attraction and get yourself in too deep before you’re completely on the same page with one another. and first things first; you aren’t someone that needs to be saved, and neither is he.

you understand the puppy love stage of relationships. it’s bound to happen: the subtle obsession with your partner, that new light fuzzy feeling you get thinking about them, thinking of what they might be doing when they’re not with you, if they are thinking about you too, listening to all the sappy love songs and suddenly all you can think about is the color of their eyes after they’ve laughed real hard, the dip in their brow when they are thinking for a long time, the electric feeling that zaps your skin when they touch you, the way their voice lowers two octaves when they lean over and whisper something sweet in your ear, it’s all there for grayson. you know you’re falling in deep, and maybe that’s what scares you. maybe it’s the way you are so willing to trust him early on that leads you to the conversation of slowing things down. for the protection of the both of you, it’s not one sided.

not only had grayson made you feel secure in the very beginning of the sudden relation you had started, but he kept consistent with his actions and words. something that was unusual and strange after dealing with men that never really grew up beyond 16. at the stage of your life you’re in, there isn’t any room for a childish game of tag with a boy who didn’t have any intentions of sticking around in the first place.

you worked hard for everything you had, you always have. your upbringing wasn’t one of sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. you didn’t have it easy. it wasn’t something that you used to weazle your way out of situations, excuse your occasional bad behavior, but it was something you thought about when you did catch glimpse of your growing attraction to someone. especially grayson, who was...one of the nicest men you had ever met. charming really didn’t even cut it. but just starting on your degree...complicated things. made you really want to reiterate to him that your degree, it was important to you and you fought tooth and nail to be able to even touch a college textbook. you couldn’t be blinded by his charms and be distracted from your dreams. there were times where the world seemed dark and hopeless and with hard work and perseverance you climbed out of that hole, just to stand as the strong intelligent woman he was falling head over heels for. you didn’t get that way over night. and you sure as well weren’t going to screw up your studies because you found someone that maybe wanted to stay, maybe didn’t. if the two of you were to work out and keep developing that beautiful bond - you hoped it would be as a team, one with understanding and clarity.

in your past experience, once a man knows he’s got you hooked, that’s the green light to treat you how they’ve wanted to the entire time. their once soft caress turns possessive, trust turns to assumption and blame, dates grow less and less frequent, and are left to sit and wonder what you ever saw in the first place. tricked, manipulated, and heartbroken. it’s never been honesty, love, and acceptance first. it’s “i love you” and “i care” when their actions don’t support their claims. you promised that the next boy you catches your heartstrings and strums until you’ve fallen under their spell, you would know exactly what you’re falling for. that means taking it slow, knowing what makes grayson tick, what he hates, what he adores, what brings him peace and comfort, if he cries during chick flicks, what kind of person he wants to be remembered as, if he fears the unknown as much as you do, was makes him completely and totally happy, and what infuriates him the fastest of all, what hardships has he had to face alone, what haunts his mind in the dead of night where no one can hear him crying, and what thought makes him smile when he’s doing nothing in particular. for once, just this once, you’re heart longed to know more that what meets the eye. you wanted to know if your feelings were 3 demensional, encompassing the good and bad about grayson, or if you truly just loved the way he fucked you.

but most importantly, you wanted him to know you. know the things about you that most people didn’t have the pleasure of knowing, all while making your dreams come true.

you thought maybe it was a mistake reaching out to ethan in your time of dire need of a shoulder to lean on, but it ended up being just the conversation and pat on the back you needed. the right nudge from the right person to have you sitting down with the softest soul you’ve come to find. grayson wasn’t someone you wanted to hurt, and ethan reassuring you that by talking to him and making him slow down, it would save him from more heartache than anything.

“i think it’s going to mellow him out, actually,” ethan nods along with your words, picking at a stray strand on his pants.

he wants what’s best for his twin, which is the exact reason you wanted to have this conversation with him. you didn’t want to mess something up and be rash and childish before anything real really even started, “grayson doesn’t really do ‘slow’, so this will be good for him.”

“i just don’t want to hurt him you know? i don’t want to be another girl that leaves so suddenly when he gets a bit too much. i know those are special circumstances and he was desperate with the desire of finding that special connection...” a pause to catch your breath, nervous from the vulnerability you’re showing already, “but when i make a commitment, i keep it. i want him to know that. i just want him to be secure within his decision to want...whatever this is with me. i want to be able to know him enough that my feelings for him are justified. and vice versa...i don’t want him to think that because i want to slow down, means i want to stop.”

“he will understand more than you think. if there is one thing i know about him, it’s that he will bend over backwards to make something he wants work. if he really wants you like i know he does, he will slow it down and make sure that you are comfortable. sounds like he doesn’t have much choice.” and it’s nice hearing those words from someone you haven’t gotten the chance to grow all that close with yet. hell you’re not even that close with grayson yet. you’re in the beginning stages still, learning your way around life with him in it. independence has always been one of the things that made you, well, you - and Grayson must understand you need more time before moving forward.

“really?” your heavy sigh shows your nerves are shot from worrying about not just school, but about the many different outcomes of the talk you need to have with Grayson. it has to happen, but you’ve never been one for confrontation even if it’s ensuring a positive outcome for both parties.

another shrug with a kind smile from ethan warms your heart, “just talk to him. he’ll appreciate your honesty. most of the other girls got wigged out and dipped, it’s going to mean so much more that you are wanting to stick it out even if it’s going too fast for you right now.”

growing up in a family full of huggers really shows when you step forward to wrap your arms around his waist for a split second, appreciative that he listened to understand and actually help you.

“thank you e, i hope he doesn’t just think i’m trying to make excuses and leave.”

when you pull away he is smiling still, pleasantly surprised by your friendly hug. with a light squeeze to your shoulder and a soft sort of smirk playing on his lips, he gives you just the advice you needed.

“something i’ve learned being his twin; give him a little more credit.”

when you have that conversation that had you so nervous your stomach tossed and turned all day long, you make sure you’re chanting ethans words over in your head. breathe. it’ll be fine. he will understand. give him a little more credit. he really wants you. the words play like a song through your head as you wait for him to sit back down on the white floral sheet in the softest patch of grass in your backyard. water spills from the glass in his hand as he plops onto the ground in a heap of giggles, muttering “fuck” softly, trying (and failing of course) to wipe the water off of his light blue button up shirt. it’s a good color on him, and you’re momentarily distracted from how attractive he looks in the late afternoon sun.

when you first met grayson, he had stumbled upon you sitting all by yourself in a small park, book in hand, peach in the other, completely unsuspecting that you would catch his heart captive when you glanced up with a smile that just about made him pass out. you were still surprised months later that he had had the nerve to say a word to you, he looked ill with anxiety to even utter a word. it was a day you’d never forget - and you would try and remember that innocent look in his eye when you explain why you had planned this picnic in the first place. to talk, to listen, to understand.

you figure if you really want to have the conversation be as smooth as it can be for the both of you, you could take it back to the very start. a simple picnic, with a lot of hope for the future.

after the laughter fit falls down, it’s time to get to the root of the issue. you prepare yourself with a deep breath in, holding in for a few seconds with your eyes closed, then slowly releasing when you look back at the questioning raise of his eyebrows. when he cocks his head to the side, you know it’s now or never. if you don't say it now, you might regret it.

“I actually brought you here so that we could have a talk real quick,” you finally explain, making sure to maintain eye contact and drink in ever facial expression he may have - just so you know how to go forward.

“you know you can talk to me about anything, is something wrong?” He’s so soft with the way he talks, never suspecting anything like what he’s about to hear, and it almost hurts to know you’ll be disappointing him in some way.

“nothing is really wrong...i just think maybe...we should slow it down for a bit.”

“what do you mean? we just got here,” he chuckles, taking a sip of his water with a shake of his head. not understanding, his fingers fiddle with the fringe at the bottom of your sundress.

you continue without stopping, ignoring his joke and hopefully make him see you aren’t here to fool around, at least not entirely. it was a serious talk for once and you wanted him to respect what you had to say.

“-not go so fast we miss the exciting part of getting to know one another,” you carry on to a now confused, sorrowful looking grayson, finally understanding that you weren’t talking so much about the picnic - but the two of you as a whole.

“i still want this—still want you i mean. but i just...want us to be us for a bit and not worry so much about the next step and then the one after that and the one after that and-”

he holds his hand up to stop you, cutting you off while looking at the ground deep in thought. setting the water down slowly, he climbs back up to his feet. you watch him patiently while he treads through the clipped grass, knowing he’s trying hard not to overreact and over think. After what feels like eternity, he sits down with his hands hanging off his knees, picking at a blade of grass he’s ripped from the earth beneath him.

“have i pushed you?”

sweet boy, always trying to take blame.

with a small smile you shake your head, “you haven’t pushed me at all gray. I just want this to grow - want us to grow. i don’t want you getting in too deep before you’re sure you’re ready for all of the things i’m looking for in the future and likewise.”

another nod of understanding, he was listening close. his respect for you grow tenfold, you had the courage to not let your lust or even affection cloud your judgement and you were honest with him. something that grayson admired most from anyone he let into his life was honesty.

“i’m not very good with slow but i’m sure you’re probably right,” he laughs more at himself than anything, “i just get carried away. especially with a woman like you. how couldn’t i?”

always the flirt. and a good one at that. he always knew exactly what to say to get you blushing, which is exactly why you hide your face bashfully in your shoulder for a few moments before you could look back at him admiring you.

“I hope you know that this is different though, Y/n. I can’t exactly explain how, but you should know i’ve never felt this way for anyone no matter how many times i’ve tried to convince myself otherwise in the past out of...fear, shame, even guilt. it’s different. and because of that difference, i know i can’t be selfish with you.”

for once you’re grateful for your mothers voice at the back of your head nudging you to let your heart be open, because without that voice, you would never be sitting in the grass with a man that truly does want to respect your boundaries and looks at you like you’re made of exquisite glass. you wouldn’t have memorized the soft texture of his lips as you lean in to kiss him, or the feeling of his hand cupping your cheek. you wouldn’t know the sound of his relived sigh, or the giggle that breaks the kiss only a few seconds later. and you wouldn’t have the clarity that you so desperately craved.

if there is one thing you knew for sure it’s that he is telling the truth. his truth shows with the delicate placement of his hands, the soft caress of his thumb on your cheek, his fingers running through your hair, and all the other ways he shows his adoration for you every day that you wish to hold on to forever. you know that the waiting and slow pace will be worth it in the end and the slow burn will turn into the blazing fire that you can already tell shines in his eyes. your hesitation has nothing to do with him but a past you would explain in due time.

for now, you’d continue kissing him on the sheet that smelt faintly of laundry detergent, in the backyard of your quaint apartment on 26th and Broadway, with his hand in your hair, lips pressed gently against yours, and a whole heart full of hope for a long future of days just like this.

#asks #gray!concepts #grayson!concepts #fluff #grayson fluff

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shimmershae · 3 years

Text

Some, okay a lot, of pre-mid season (tri? season) finale thoughts. As if you actually asked for them, lol.

And no, I haven’t actually watched the last episode yet. I’ve been putting it off all morning. For reasons. Reasons that I felt the inexplicable need to put on paper, er, screen.

If you care at all to read the purging of my fatigued TWD fangirl mind, please look beneath the cut. Fair warning. It’s long so pull up a chair maybe, lol.

I’ll admit it. The spoilers indicating a significant lack of Carol/Melissa content has dampened much of my enthusiasm and there wasn’t all that much to start with.

Let me tell you why--

The season, so far, has been woefully unbalanced in favor of the Reaper storyline and the Maggie/Negan conflict (which ties back to the Reaper storyline by the flimsiest of strings) and I’m just not invested.

Why?

Well, it’s multifold.

#1 reason why? Having a third of the last season ever of TWD devoted to going inside “the lions’ den” of villains I have no emotional connection to or curiosity about is a big fat fail.

You might say “but there’s the Daryl double agent” aspect and I say “so fucking what” because it was so poorly conceived and has felt like such a WTF set of fraying puppet strings for this plot Angela was apparently jonesing to tell from the GO, damn the torpedoes she had to know where inevitably coming her way.

Seriously. I had talked myself into accepting that which I could not change, citing Daryl’s emotional brokenness after Rick. Convincing myself he’d lost his anchor to goodness and hope and fulfillment in his years of self-imposed exile from Carol and what was left of his family and to a certain extent? I can still by that explanation. But really. It’s the Leah of it all.

Let me attempt to explain.

To do that, maybe I should detail how I’ve always perceived Daryl.

Daryl, IMHO, began this journey with us and the rest of Team Family with a figurative fortress erected around his true, core self.

He was prickly. Defensive to any overtures of kindness because he inherently did not trust them. Loathe to form any real connection to anyone other than Merle, his blood.

Daryl balked at the possibility of emotional connection and flinched in learned fear from physical touch.

He did not recognize or accept affection or respect at face value because it was something rarely shown to him before.

Anybody else remember that childhood abuse book from Consumed? You know. One of those first times the showrunners/writers dumped a character nugget in our laps and left it to us to do all the backstory in our own imaginations so they didn’t have to enrich their own characters beyond the scratch and sniff, wham bam this is who they are work?

Anyway. We were left to extrapolate from that what most of us h ad already suspected--that Daryl’s formative years were already a living hell before the ZA ever happened.

So he was standoffish. He didn’t form emotional connections lightly and physical intimacy was something light years out of his comfort zone.

Until Carol.

Daryl’s defenses started to crumble from the very start with Carol because she piqued his interest. He looked at her, watched her withstand Ed’s abuse, and recognized something of himself.

Against his will, Daryl started to care and when Carol lost the one good thing that had come out of her miserable life with Ed--Sophia--Daryl’s core identity started to be revealed to us and probably? To himself after burying it so deep for so long.

Long story short? Daryl connected with Carol pretty quickly on a base level through the trauma of Sophia’s loss.

The real connection, the emotional work it too to peel all those protective layers away took more like--like planting a flower from seed and tending it to help it survive and flourish.

Simply said? The work was put in and Daryl bloomed with Carol’s (and Team Family’s) care. They all put in varying degrees of work but Carol planted the seed of his “belonging.”

And the thing about Daryl? Once he bloomed? He grew strong. He stretched toward the sun.

He and Carol essentially bloomed and fought their way toward the sunlight together.

And little by little, Daryl learned to accept the kindness, trust, and love he always deserved.

From that newly confident man emerged a Daryl not so fearful of forming connections and none have ever been more powerful than his connection to Carol.

I’ll spare ya’ll the paragraphs of how Daryl and Carol gravitated toward each other like magnets no matter the means of separation.

I’ll just spell it out like this: their bond supersedes all others, even Daryl’s bond with Rick. And with Daryl only accepting affection from those he trusts implicitly, Carol and Daryl have been the only potential “romantic” pairing that has ever fully made sense for his established character.

At least the character before Angela launched the grenade of Leah into the mix.

Leah was a fail from the start.

And you know what? I’m thinking that was largely intended (for various reasons) but I still think they could have shown Daryl as receptive to having a “romantic” relationship to those willfully blind to the possibility that he’s actually been in a “romantic” relationship with Carol since Season 2. Never mind that Carol and Daryl haven’t (yet) crossed certain physical boundaries yet. Emotionally? They are already there even if neither is able to admit it out loud with the actual words yet. But I digress. The people that never wanted to “see” Carol and Daryl as “romantic” because they couldn’t fathom Daryl as seeing Carol in that light had already deemed that Daryl just didn’t feel that way about her, that maybe he didn’t feel that way about anybody (if they couldn’t have their way and have him feel that way about their preferred choice for him, they preferred him alone), and Angela wanted to show them differently. To show them the light.

That said, if Angela was so hellbent on doing Leah? There were a multitude of better ways.

Here. I’ll give you one of them.

Daryl isolates himself from his family after Rick’s “death” same as he did in Angela’s version.

Carol’s been being pulled more and more to the Kingdom because Henry’s needing a mother figure is like catnip to her hurting natural-born, hurting Mama’s heart. So Daryl’s anchor to the man he’d matured into, the one with all these earned emotional attachments, is reeled back in, little by little, leaving him unmoored.

Dog literally runs into him just as before. It hardly makes sense given how young and floppy and uncoordinated puppies are and thus vulnerable to danger, but this is the least of things we need to worry about suspending disbelief for right? ;)

Dog and Daryl continue to have these run ins until Daryl decides to retrace the puppy’s clumsy trail and viola! He finds Leah’s cabin and Leah inside. She levels the same shotgun at him, they have a standoff, until---

Leah suddenly lowers the gun and incredulously says Daryl’s name.

That’s right. One simple change and Daryl and Leah have an undefined past already.

Daryl doesn’t completely let his guard down because he’s Daryl, but he relaxes enough that we see he doesn’t immediately regard Leah as dangerious to his own well-being.

From that point on, instead of tying Daryl up and threatening him, we could have been told the story of how they knew each other from before.

My version goes a little something like this--

Daryl met Leah through Merle. Merle, in turn, met Leah through the military before he got discharged. He and Leah had an ongoing “I scratch your itch if you scratch mine” thing and Leah? Well, she always had a bit of a soft spot/interest in Daryl that Daryl never really returned.

The thing is, though? With losing the chosen brother that filled the hole left behind by his lost blood brother Merle and losing Carol to her chasing after a chance of a new family (because she feels Daryl’s out of her reach too, our too blind and stupidly, silently in love idiots)? Daryl finds himself embracing the shared memories however minimal of that brief past and his grief and loneliness leave him receptive to Leah’s eventual advances in ways he never was before.

We’re still given hints of their unfolding relationship and we still don’t like it, but it makes more sense for Daryl to cling to the past when he feels he’s lost his future.

Leah still gives her ultimatum (there’s a reason she gravitated toward Merle in perhaps his most toxic state, she’s more than a little fucked up too) and it’s not as much of a hard sell that Daryl might be pulled in Leah’s direction when he feels Carol is all but lost to him.

Hell. They could have even explicitly discussed Carol. But wait! Angela would have never allowed that because she doesn’t want to shatter all the crackship dreams in one fell swoop.

But the story from that point on could have continued just as it has and probably I still wouldn’t have liked it but I could have at least bought it somewhat and understood it.

Obviously, it didn’t.

I don’t buy the Leah of it all. Angela built that “relationship” with monopoly money and it shows.

Because I don’t buy Leah period. I don’t buy Daryl giving even giving a shit about trying to or feeling like there’s a snowball’s chance to redeem her so I’m not engaged whatsoever with this Daryl double agent story and him even givign her crumbs about his real family.

That part rings false.

So that’s a big problem right there and we haven’t even gotten to the other part I don’t buy.

You know what else I don’t buy?

#2?

Why the hell are the Reapers so bloodthirsty for Maggie’s departure from this mortal coil?

Without giving better reasoning than they’re just cray-cray, the entire faceplants and considering it’s taken up about 70% of 11A’s focus? I’m pissed.

Because, IMHO, they should go big or go home on this to give it any entertainment value because it’s all stale, recycled air if not.

Maggie’s been established as a much darker character this season. Which led me to believer the Reapers probably had a legit beef against her, but it seems Angela is reluctant to go all that way down the rabbit hole and doesn’t want to commit to what could be a more entertaining and potentially fascinating story than just Maggie’s in the right, the Reapers are just evil.

Maggie is right about Negan, IMHO, but she’s also wrong in not listening to him when what he’s saying reeks of simple common sense. Ignoring sage advice makes her seem more like an angry toddler stamping her feet in defiance than the leader they are so bound and determined to tell us she is.

You know what? The window for me to give more than the half a fuck I’m giving right now as they beat this dead horse to dust closed when Maggie decided letting Negan rot in the ASZ jail cell was enough and spared him when she finally had her best chance to end him once and for all.

Maybe if they stopped having the same damn conversation and they didn’t take up 20% of the screen time left after the boring Reapers/Leah shit, I would be less resentful but I’m not and again, I’ll tell you why.

BECAUSE. We are in the last season of the OG TWD ever and this show has chosen to waste screen time on stories nobody cares about to the exclusion of the ones we’re yearning for more of.

Like ASZ. We’ve barely seen more than an hour of the eight hours devoted to Carol, Aaron, Rosita, Lydia, Judith, Kelly, Jerry and Co. in total. Especially since they’ve been trying to establish the Commonwealth on the side, too.

I mean, I never really expected to dig the Commonwealth so my expectations for it were lower than low so they’ve been exceeded at a miniscule level. But I expected and hoped for ASZ and those characters we’ve cared the most about to receive much more emphasis and the fact that they haven’t in this last season so far has been the biggest FAIL.

And okay. Selfishly, I want more Carol. She’s like salt. She makes almost everything go down better.

But really. Give me more of all the characters we actually care about, please. The Reapers and the offshoots from that story wheel aren’t it. I love Daryl but I hate this retread story for him. Leah is a weak point that pressed upon? Makes this weak ass arc collapse. Maggie and Negan are giving us nothing new. They are the definition of the word STALEMATE and that’s not what you want or need on the finale season of a show.

Yes, I have enjoyed the majority of the episodes overall, but that was because the moments I loved I weighted more than the ones I didn’t and know they have the most impact on the show down the road.

Probably 11A will fare better when all is said and done and the show can be binged but standalone? It’s been an overall disappointment and that saddens me more than I can say.

Anyway. I’m going to stop rambling now and try to psyche myself up for episode 8. I’ll be back with thoughts on it later, maybe.

Sorry for the word vomit, but I felt maybe I could in someway give voice to some of the feelings floating around out there and let you know that you are not alone.

Until later, lovelies.

#The Walking Dead #Season 11 #TWD spoilers #Shae's thinky thoughts #things that make me smile and cry #for reasons

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adoredmarigold · 3 years

Text

various Jill and Charlie headcanons

Jill:

-Never met her father, she was the result of a fling Kate had and was a total accident. She was born two years before the first Ghostface killings

-Had only moved to Woodsboro 4 years before the events of Scream 4, before she and her mother lived in San Fransico before the cost for living there became too high for Kate to keep up with anymore. Kate decided to move to Woodsboro not only cause the cost of living there was cheaper but also as a way to remember her sister.

-Jill pick up some of her less desirable traits from her mother. Although she loved her sister, Kate couldn't help but feel pushed to the side by the rest of her family and felt like her sister's death overshadowed her own struggles (calling back to her line "nobody ever asks me about my scars"). In return Jill felt like she was always in the shadow of Sidney, the only reason she made as many friends as she did was cause she is the cousin of Sidney Prescott. Jill never felt like anybody ever wanted to be friends with her because they genuinely liked her.

-Loves horror movies where there's a female killer, she gets some sort of cathartic relief from it.

-Shy kid growing up. She was an only child, not close to her other family members, and had a distant mother with a drinking problem. Didn't really start to pick up on her social skills until she entered high school.

-Got into her mother's alcohol once when she was really young and ended up getting extremely sick. She kinda has a fear of drinking/getting drunk now.

-Trevor was the only partner she ever had. She got attached very quickly because she felt like he was the first person to actually like her for herself and not because she was the cousin of Sidney. When Trevor ended up cheating that's when she really started to snap. She began having very violent revenge thoughts aimed towards him that then spiraled into a revenge plot towards her whole friend group. Her thought process being everyone would betray her eventually so she'd just kill em off before they got the chance to leave.

-Hated Charlie the most out of their friend group. He would always ask about Stab and Sidney and it pissed her off more than anything. His love for the franchise and ofc his obvious crush on Kirby is how she manipulated him into doing the killings with her.

-She's extremely paranoid of the people around her and always assumes people have underlying motives for wanting to be around her. She has awful trust issues.

Charlie:

Born into a rough home life, CPS took Charlie out of his parent's home to instead live with his uncle in Woodsboro.

-Rarely talked as a kid, he only ever spoke with his uncle and even that was few and far between.

-Took to horror movies as a form of escapism and quickly grew attached to them. He would often watch his favorite movies on loop for an entire day and it got to the point where he could pretty much quote them line for certain movies.

- scoured sites like rotten.com and that mixed with horror quickly got him desensitized to things like gore and death.

-Was desperate to make friends growing up so he would try to worm his way into friend groups and would compile with anything they asked of him in order to gain their trust and affection. Sometimes this would lead to him getting hurt or humiliated by doing something other the kids would make him do.

-Started the cinema club as a way to talk about his interest in horror without being seen as weird or annoying. (Let Robbie be vice president cause they both shared a special interest in horror).

-Hypersexual due to trauma and occasionally self-harms

-Jill was able to convince him to join her on the killing spree cause she planted doubt in Charlie's mind that nobody in the friend group actually liked him, and that she was the only one that understood how insecure and lonely he was.

#tw for mentions of alcohol abuse and self harm #nothing graphic but it is mentioned so here's ur warning #not tagging this cause this is super messy and rambly and I didn't really convey my hcs that well #just wanted to get some stuff out there and word vomited onto this post

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todomitoukei · 3 years

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Since it was Dabi’s Bday recently I’d like to share some thoughts/ideas/headcanons about him. I hope you don’t mind, I rlly love your blog.

The flowers Rei thought she received from Enji were actually from Touya, because despite everything, this boy still loves his mom. He cannot resent her for what happened because he knows they were more or less in the same boat and she did try to protect him, which is also why I like to think that at the end of Dabi’s reveal video, when he’s done talking, he stands up to turn off the camera and just before the video cuts out you can hear a whispered “I’m sorry, mom” and the screen goes black. The volume needs to be on max to hear it, which is why most ppl missed it.

I saw this theory that Dabi actually does have 2 quirks, which is how he survived the accident and got his scars. (I didn’t quite get the logistics and I don’t believe it but it’s an interesting concept imo.) The theory is that he got his scars because his body cracked, the way a frozen mug would crack if u filled it with hot liquid. (Skin seems too stretchy to just crack like that tho so idk.) This would explain why his scars are so clean-cut and still need to be stapled. Also, his scars look more like frostbites rather than burn marks but idk. He totally has some form of chronic pain from his scars, or at least from the staples pulling on his skin.

He acts cold towards the LOV members, although he enjoys their company after a long time of being on his own, because he’s scared of getting close to ppl and starting to care cuz he knows how it feels to lose everything he cares about. He doesn’t want to feel what he felt when he had to leave his family ever again.

I rlly think Touya and Keigo knew each other as kids; not necessarily as friends but they’ve talked enough to exchange names at least once. I imagine this happening a bit before Enji caught Hawks’ dad, Keigo finding a patched-up kid near a park, asking him what happened, exchanging names and talking a bit, maybe playing in the park for the afternoon, and not seeing each other again. Just enough interaction for Hawks to later wonder “what happened to that battered kid?”. Dabi recognized him when they met years later during the manga time, he didn’t trust Hawks because his general rule is to not trust anybody, but deep down he hoped. (sry this is my DBHWK addiction talking, ignore this)

After the accident, he had to live on the streets and fend for himself for years, so he’s seen a lot of shit after that, which earned him 1) more trauma, 2) critical and cynical thinking, 3) limited amount of empathy and trust issues, 4) the admirable ability to call out BS like the drama queen he is.

And one thing that bothers me logistically is that we know Touya’s body was not made for a fire quirk as strong as his, but, that could’ve easily been solved with support gear? Like a protective costume to cool his body and limit the fire output to only his hands?? Why tf didn’t Enji bother to provide his oldest kid (who showed much promise to become a hero, mind u) with the proper resources he obv needed? I’m kinda salty abt this ngl.

Anyway, I’m done here. I hope you don’t mind me venting out these ideas. I rlly like ur blog and I felt like you and the lil community u’ve gathered here could appreciate most of these. <3

Thank you so much<3 I’m really happy about all these messages and all the interaction from you guys, it’s much appreciated!

I really love those theories, too! The theory of the flowers actually being from Dabi is one of my favorites. Also the “I’m sorry, mom” hello??? Yeah, I didn’t need a heart anyway, thank you....... :(

The frozen mug, though... a funnier mental image than it should be.

Totally agree with the LOV thing. I really think that part of him is just too fixated on his goals to destroy Endeavor that he can’t really care/think about anyone else, but I also do think that a part of him actively tries to avoid people and the risk of starting to care about them. If you think about how he most likely is aware that an attempt at killing Shouto or Endeavor would also probably result in his own death, he might not want to get attached to anyone because what if he gets second thoughts then? Or what if he dies and they then get sad about it? And he just knows that his faked death hurt his family (that whole “thought so hard about it I went crazy”), so him dying would now also hurt the LOV, therefore he tries not to get close so their pain won’t be as bad as it could be?

Endeavor definitely could’ve helped him, but we’re talking about the guy who gave up on trying to reach his goals after like two years LMAO. Just cannot take this man seriously. They definitely could’ve figured out a way. I mean, Dabi did more or less figure out a way on his own. He uses larger attacks right away and then gets into people’s heads as his secret weapon and as a way to take a little break from overheating. Imagine how proper support items could help him.

Heroes (and U.A.) focus far too much on their quirks and too little on all the other important skills needed for the job - just look at Uraraka who learned some basic self-defense at her internship, which then saved her life against Toga in the summer camp arc. Meanwhile, U.A. only lets them have some weird P.E. class where all they do is just use their quirks instead of being taught more basic fighting/survival skills? Heroes are just weird, and their education is a joke.

#thanks for sharing those theories♥#dabi #ask #Anonymous

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houseof-harry · 4 years

Text

What Happened in Jersey Pt. 3 | G.D.

A/N - YALL! Buckle up, I’ve been working on this part for legit a week and I’m proud of how it came out. It’s a little long, but so much happens so get excited! Let me know what you think! Read Part 2 here!!!

Word Count - 7.6K

Warnings - mentions of smut

***

Recap:

“Don’t freak yourself out, though. He’s a good guy,” Jessie sighs. You rub your hands over your stomach, getting lost in your thoughts. That’s when you remember something very important that you don’t know about Grayson.

“What’s his number?”

“Grayson’s?” Jessie laughs out.

“No, my other baby daddy,” you joke.

“I’ll give it to you and then we’ll head to breakfast?” You sit up and nod.

“Thank god that’s over. Things can only get better from here, right?”

***

The next couple of weeks were pretty nice and uneventful. You got Grayson’s number and, as he said, you texted every day. You’d actually Facetime a lot, too. He says it’s because he wants to see the baby bump once it starts to come in.

You would tell him about your day, related to the pregnancy and not, and he would tell you about his adventures with Ethan and all the things he found doing his research on the internet. He keeps you updated on the fruit or vegetable that’s continuing to grow inside you as the time passes. He tried to find any solution he can to your morning sickness that has persisted. He even sent you a couple care packages with the things you said you craved, but it usually would come too late for you to enjoy. The look of the foods would make you nauseous, but your roommates loved the free treats.

The great part of all of this is that you have a relationship forming with your baby daddy, who will inevitably be in your life forever.

The bad part of all of this is that you are definitely falling for him.

You had a crush on him, and to be quite frank who wouldn’t. This hot guy has not only been talking to you every day, checking in with you and making sure you’re okay, but you’re literally pregnant with his baby. From having hot ass sex in the bathroom at New Year’s.

So it was safe to say you were into him. Which terrified you. Because there was no way he was into you. You were constantly ready for him to just never respond again, or for him to totally drop you and your baby for someone else, someone else with way less baggage. So you would do your best to keep it friendly and push him away whenever you felt like things were getting past friendly. You know, the healthy way to deal with your emotions.

Little to your knowledge, Grayson definitely had it worse than you. A part of him believed this was the universe giving him a huge ass sign that this was his future. You and your baby together were the beginning of your future as a family. But, he also recognizes that he is a hopeless romantic and has done this many times before. However, never with a baby involved and he was terrified of scaring you away. So he would try his best to keep everything friendly. Of course, he always miserably failed.

Your roommates and friends were definitely catching on to what was happening. They knew you were talking to the guy you met over winter break. However, you still managed to keep the news of the pregnancy to yourself. Given, you used bribery as your main mode of keeping their excited minds at bay, but if it works then it works. If they brought up your sickness or any of your other odd behavior, you’d remind them of the free food from the care packages you would give them and if they wanted it to continue, they should be minding their business. A bit harsh, but they wouldn’t let up otherwise.

You managed to get to spring break without anyone asking the big question, and you were grateful for it. You weren’t sure how you’d lie to them.

Your best friend’s house would be a different story. Anna will notice every little change in you that’s happened since you last saw her in December, and you definitely would not be able to come up with a lie to explain it all away. So you decide that as soon as she asks, you’d spill.

That actually went pretty smoothly. She was supportive and excited for you. However, she didn’t trust Grayson one bit and had even found his Instagram (despite you withholding his last name) and showed you his 9 million followers. This made you spiral a bit. Were you ruining his career? Did he have a life in LA he could never leave for your baby? Is he going to bring all these influencers around your baby?

Before you can control your actions, you’re facetiming Grayson.

His bright smile pops up on your screen. “Hey sweet girl, what’s up?” Every time he calls you that it makes you feel warm inside. It terrifies you because you don’t want to get to attached to him when you’re just friends. Who are having a baby together. Just friends who are having a baby together.

When he notices your furrowed brow and your lack of a smile, his happiness vanishes and is replaced with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Anna showed me your Instagram,” you mumble. You’re almost embarrassed. You sound like a child. You instantly regret calling him.

“Anna did what?” He brings the phone closer to him so he can hear better.

“Anna found your Instagram and showed it to me.” “Oh.” You nod. “What…what did you think? Pretty douchy?” This makes you giggle as you shake your head. He lets out a breath once he sees your small smile.

“No. Just a lot of followers and stuff. I didn’t know you guys were that well known or anything.”

He coughs awkwardly and nods. “Uh, yeah. Is that okay?”

You sigh and frown. Your intention was never to make him feel bad about it.

“Of course. It’s your job, and your passion. I love watching you edit and stuff. You never have to be scared of what I think, I’ll always support you. Just intimidates me a bit, knowing that eventually 9 million people are going to be involved in my life.”

“We will do everything we can to keep you and our strawberry safe and off social media for as long as you want. Ethan already knows that’s the plan too and we’ve been filming some random videos for if we are ever out of commission for a little while for you guys.”

Thinks makes you smile while your features soften. You bite your lip, deciding on whether or not you should share all of your concerns.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Grayson has gotten really good at reading you, even over the phone. You’d like to think it’s the emotions of the pregnancy that give you away, but he’ll catch you even when you think you’re hiding it well.

“I dunno.” You shrug and look away, bringing your knees to your body.

“Liar. Come on, what’s going on? I can’t help make you feel better if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Your bottom lip quivers as you try your best to stop the tears from clouding your vision. He was always so nice to you, and it made you wanna cry every time.

“I don’t know. It just got me thinking about how your life is in LA and eventually you’ll meet someone out there and then I’ll be here just figuring things out alone. I don’t know, scares me sometimes to think about it.” You refuse to look at him while you speak and you’re met with silence at first.

“Y/N, why are you always waiting for something to go wrong? I’m dedicated to our baby for the rest of forever, and I’m dedicated to you too,” he sighs. He looks like he’s about to say something else but decides against it.

“Sorry. It’s hard for me to trust people easily. Not that you’ve done anything wrong, you’ve actually done everything you could. I just-“ you bite your lip, hesitant to continue. Maybe you shouldn’t be loading your trauma onto him right before bed.

“Hey, I get it. It’s okay. Every time you’re scared of any of that, remember you’re not in it alone and we’re going to do everything together, good and bad. Plus, we get to finally see each other again in a couple of days. And, we get to see baby on the screen.” He smiles, rubbing his chest. His reminder makes you wipe under your eyes as you nod. “Plus, I’ve planned a day in the city for us and Ethan to do some fun shit. It’s gonna be a good week, sweet girl. Can I see your smile?” This instantly makes you smile and he can’t stop cheesing either. “It’s late there. You should be sleeping. Are you good to sleep? Or do you wanna stay on the phone a bit longer?”

You look at the clock and see it’s 1 am. Your eyes widen as you take a big breath in. “Uh, yeah I should go to bed. You don’t have to stay on with me, I’m sure you’ve got stuff to do.” You start to get under your covers, laying back.

“I’m gonna get in bed, too. We can stay on for a bit until you fall asleep. Gotta rest up for our strawberry.”

You breathe deeply through your nose to calm your emotions before agreeing. Maybe having his presence there, even over the phone, will make you feel better.

You get under your covers and settle in, putting your phone on the pillow next to you. It was nice hearing his breathing, and you closed your eyes.

“Thank you,” you mumble, barely audible. You assume he doesn’t even hear it. Hell, he might be asleep already.

“Anything for my sweet girl.” You hear him breathe out.

Your body instantly relaxes, and you’re finally able to fall asleep.

***

Wednesday quickly rolls around and before you know it, you’re on the road to your appointment.

Grayson would be meeting you at the office. You had sent him the address yesterday after his flight got in. You felt bad for having a morning appointment because he’s three hours behind coming from California on top of the fact that he had a farther drive. That was the only appointment you could get for that week, though.

You get a call from him when you’re five minutes away.

“Hey Gray.” You know you sound nervous, but you hope he ignores it.

“Hey. I’m here. Want me to wait in the parking lot or should I go in?” You can hear the roughness of his voice, he must be exhausted.

“Uh, wait in the parking lot. It’s a big building, kinda hard to navigate. I’m only five minutes away.”

“Perfect, I’m in the orange truck. See you soon”

You smile, but remember he can’t see you. “Okay, see you soon.” You hang up and the butterflies instantly begin in your tummy.

The last time you were with Grayson in person he was making you pregnant. You hoped that the last month and a half of talking will make it easy to be in person with him, but you never know. What if it’s awkward and uncomfortable?

You pull into the parking lot and you see his truck instantly. Not many people have orange pickups in your area. Or in general, you’d assume. You pull into the spot next to his passenger side door. He looks up when your car pulls in, and his bright smile is painted across his face. He’s jumping out of his car before you’ve even stopped yours. You grab your purse and get out, closing the door and looking up. He’s antsy on his feet waiting at the back of the cars for you to walk to him.

“Hi sweet girl.” He opens his arms as you walk towards him and you allow your body to collide with his. His arms are around you in an instant and you hold him close to you by his torso. It feels like the world has stopped. He smells clean and fresh, just like he did the last time and it overwhelms your senses.

He rubs your back, not moving away from you and you definitely don’t complain. Hugging him has made you feel calmer than you had felt since you first found out you were pregnant. He was a safe haven while the rest of the world continued to go on.

Eventually, you turn your head to look up at him, keeping him in your arms, your chin resting on his chest with a wide smile plastered on your face. “Hey.”

“How are you feeling? Excited?” He smooths one of his hands over your hair before cupping your cheek.

You nod. “Yeah. It’ll be the first appointment where I can hear the heartbeat. I’m just excited to see our baby.”

He smiles. “Our baby, yeah. God, it’s so good to be here with you. Good to hold you.” He squats down and holds your stomach, his face coming close to your slightly pudgy belly. Your hands rest on his shoulders while your cheeks heat up.

“Hi, baby. It’s nice to finally meet you. Thanks for watching out for your mama, she doesn’t actually like being alone as much as she says she does.” You laugh at this, rubbing your hand over the spot he’s talking to.

“We need to go in if we wanna be on time.” You grab his wrists and pull him back up. He puts a hand on your lower back as you start to walk.

You make it into the building, check in, and are called back. The nurse gets everything she needs from you and leaves you and Grayson alone in the exam room.

He’s pacing around as you sit on the exam table, refusing to look.

“What’s up?” You interrupt his thoughts, a concerned look on your face.

“Huh? Oh. It’s just crazy that I’m meeting our baby for the first time today. Really wild. In a good way though.” He smiles and walks next to you. Before you can respond, there’s a knock and then your doctor is walking in.

“Hey, Y/N.” He smiles at you.

“Hi Dr. Jordan.” You wave.

“And you must be the father. Dr. Jordan, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He holds his hand out to Grayson and he shakes it.

“Grayson,” is all he says.

“So, we’re having a baby?” His smile widens as you and Grayson both nod back.

“Yeah, we are,” you respond.

“Let’s cut to the chase then and check up on ‘em. How does that sound?” He moves around, getting the ultrasound machine ready to go.

“Really good.” You smile at Grayson and he gives you a small one back. You can see he’s really nervous, so once you lay back and lift your shirt to just below your boobs, you’re grabbing his hand in yours. This appears to ground him a bit as he starts breathing normally again.

The doctor moves your pants down a bit so they’re out of the way before grabbing the gel.

“It’s going to be a bit cold.” You nod and gasp when the gel hits your skin, gripping Grayson a bit harder, a shiver running up your spine. Grayson squeezes you back and you look at him. He’s watching the screen as the doctor moves the wand around.

Dr. Jordan is quiet for a little while you watch him. All of a sudden, you hear a thumping from the machine and Dr. Jordan smiles.

“That’s a heartbeat, guys.” Your free hand goes over your heart, your eyes filling with tears. Grayson looks close to crying too. He lifts your hand to kiss the back of it.

“Baby looks nice and healthy, growing at the right rate. Y/N, I’m gonna ask you to get a blood draw and to leave a urine sample, but otherwise you guys are good to go. Any questions?” Dr. Jordan asks while he wipes the gel off your stomach.

You and Grayson both look at each other, tears still threatening to spill and smiles on your face. You shake your head, unwillingly looking away and back at Dr. Jordan. “No, I think we’re good.”

Dr. Jordan smiles at the both of you. “Sounds good. Call us if you ever have any questions, okay? And congratulations, I’m excited for you both.” He stands and leaves.

You let go of Grayson’s hand to sit up and adjust your clothes. He continues to stand there just watching you. When you hop off and look up at him, a tear has rolled down his cheek.

“Are you okay?” Your brows pull together in concern and you grab his biceps lightly, rubbing up and down. This seems to snap him out of his trance a bit.

“Uh, yeah. That was just really incredible. We met our baby today. You’re growing our baby in here,” he puts both hands on your stomach and you giggle.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Thank you.” He looks so sincerely into your eyes, making you blush.

“You ready to go?” You ask, walking away from him to grab your purse. This man is way too powerful to be making you feel a certain type of way. You are two friends having a baby. A friend baby.

He looks a bit hurt for a moment but quickly recovers. “Uh, yeah.” He walks to the door and opens it for you.

You get your tests all done and figured out, and schedule your next appointment for around Easter so that you’d have an excuse to be home from school. Before you know it, you and Grayson are walking out of the doctor’s office. He’s got an arm around your shoulder as you approach your cars.

“Can I bring you and strawberry to lunch? I don’t wanna leave you guys yet,” he says sheepishly, almost like he was nervous to ask you.

“Sure,” you smile up at him and wrap your arm around his waist. He lets out a breath of air he had been holding in and relaxes a bit.

“Cool. I’ll drive us and bring you back here after. Don’t need you woozy behind the wheel after your blood draw.” He rubs your shoulder.

“How is it that we are literally having a baby together and you somehow treat me like I’m the baby?” You laugh.

“One day you’ll let me take care of you,” he chuckles, shaking his head as you part ways to get into his truck.

You get into the passenger seat, buckling in. You were floating on cloud nine, it felt like you and Grayson were actually a little family.

Your thoughts are interrupted when he gets into his seat and adjusts.

“Can I ask you something?” He asks while he buckles.

“Of course.”

“Do you think we could, like, record a little video update or something?” You raise your brows, a bit confused.

“Of what?”

“Just like our thoughts and reactions and stuff. I was thinking I could put a video together at the end of all this for us and our baby when we’re all older and wanna remember. It wouldn’t go on YouTube or anything, not unless you wanted it to. And you probably don’t know a better video editor to do this project,” he bites his lip and raises his eyebrows while trying to gauge your reaction.

Your eyes are suddenly filled with tears again, thinking about how much Grayson really loves this baby. You nod and wipe under your eyes. “Yeah, that’d be cute,” you squeak out, not trying to let on how affected you are buy his words.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He moves his hand to rub your thigh. “Only good things, sweet girl.”

You nod and laugh. “I know. Everything makes me cry now.” You sniffle and breath in, collecting yourself a bit. “I’m ready, let’s do it.”

He reaches into his pocket and brings his phone out, holding it up so that you’re both in the frame. He starts to record and you watch the both of you on the screen. “Hello to whoever is lucky enough to be shown this video.” This makes you giggle, and he smiles. “We just got out of our first appointment together and saw our little baby for the first time.” He instinctively puts his hand on your stomach and your hand goes on top of his. “If you’re our precious baby watching this, we are so excited to meet you. Your mama and I already love you so much.” This makes you squeeze his hand and he looks over to you. “Anything you wanna say?”

“I dunno. What do you think I should say?” You giggle, your cheeks flushing when you meet his eyes.

“Anything you’ll wanna remember in a couple years. I know it’s weird talking to a camera at first, but I’ll cut this all out.” His gaze is kind and patient while you think of what you want to say.

“It’s still so surreal that I’m even pregnant, but hearing our baby’s heartbeat today has made me so grateful I’m able to be in this position. I’ve been so excited to be a mom my whole life, so if you’re my beautiful baby watching, thank you for making my dreams come true.” You smile at the camera and Grayson keeps his eyes on you. You look to him expectantly.

He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts before turning to look at the camera.

“We’re about to go feed mama and baby now, as long as they’re feeling good of course. If baby is watching this still, thank your mom for all she went through for you when she was growing you, she’s working hard,” he chuckles and you laugh.

“I’m feeling good right now. Want a turkey BLT, actually.”

“What the woman wants, she gets. We’ll see you whenever the next exciting thing happens.” He turns the recording off and puts his phone away, starting the car.

“That’s gonna be really cute,” you sigh, the smile still sitting on your face.

“Yeah, I think it’ll be nice to have when we want to look back on all of this,” he pauses. “Do you know somewhere nearby with good sandwiches?”

“Yeah, there’s a deli like five minutes from here.”

You and Grayson head to the deli and have a nice lunch. Well, you do. Grayson eats a plain roll and pickles because all of the sandwiches had meat on them. You felt really bad, but he assured you it was okay because your little strawberry was craving a BLT.

Once you finish your sandwich, you notice he’s kind of zoned out.

“Grayson?” You look at him, folding your trash up while he just stares at you.

“Come stay with me for the rest of your break,” he blurts out all of a sudden. Your eyes widen.

“What?”

“Come stay for the next few days. We’re not going to get a lot of time together until you’re already halfway through everything.”

You start laughing awkwardly. “Grayson, I can’t just live with your family for a few days, they don’t know me. We don’t really know each other. Wouldn’t that be weird?”

He opens his mouth to rebuttal, but closes it again to think for a moment.

“It’s okay, Grayson. We don’t have to act like any of this is normal, we don’t have to force anything. Everything you’ve done for me has really been for strawberry. Don’t feel like you have any obligation to me.”

Grayson looks a bit hurt by your words, but nods. “Ready to go?” He stands up.

You sigh and nod, getting up with him. You throw your trash out and walk out with him. His hand doesn’t reach for you.

When you’re both settled back into his car, he sighs out your name so that you’ll look at him.

“I know this is all weird and stuff, but we’re going to have to be friends to raise this baby together. And my friends have come to stay with me at this house before. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. Nine months isn’t a long time to start, never mind the fact that we won’t really see each other until you graduate, and I want us to be in the best place possible for our baby.” He starts the car, not looking at you while he finishes speaking.

“I’m sorry I got weird. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything for me.” You cross your arms, trying to shrink into the cushions of your seat.

“You’re right, technically I don’t. But I’m not a piece of shit and I plan on being a good dad. Plus, any friend of Jessie’s is a friend of mine, so even if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, we still would have hung out whenever you were in Jersey. I do what I want, and this is what I want to do.” He stops at a red light and looks at you for a second to see a pout on your lips. “And I hate being the reason you don’t smile. So, if you wanna, come stay with me for the next few days let’s do it, but if that makes you uncomfortable you should stay with Anna. We’re in the same boat, we both don’t have do anything we don’t want to.”

You sit there silently, pondering for a moment. A part of you dwells on the fact that he said you guys are friends, but friends don’t have other friend’s babies and then have them stay at their house with their family. The other part of you wants to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy your time with him before he moves on to start a life with someone for real.

“I’ll come,” you mumble. It almost surprises you more than Grayson that that’s your answer. You’re gonna blame the hormones for making you so impulsive.

“Okay.” His smile grows across his face. “Do you wanna come tomorrow morning so that you can have one more night with Anna?”

“Yeah, they’re gonna want to have dinner with me tonight if I’m not going to see them for a while.”

You guys pull back into the doctor’s office parking lot and he brings you back to your car. He parks and turns to you.

“I’m really excited to spend time with you, Y/N. Besides the fact you’re pregnant with my kid, you’re pretty funny sometimes,” he laughs. You scoff jokingly, biting your lip as you look at him.

“Sometimes? Well I think your jokes are cheesy.”

“Oh, do you now? Is that why you laugh every time?”

“Shut up,” you laugh with him, unbuckling your seatbelt.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? And don’t freak yourself out about meeting my mom, she’s excited to meet you. She’s really excited to meet the amazing woman giving her a grandchild.”

Your eyes widen a bit. “I forgot I was going to meet her. Now I’m more freaked out than before.” You wondered how you’d even introduce yourself to her. Hi I’m Y/N, your son and I hooked up literally once and are now having a baby.

“Hey, get out of your head, sweet girl. I told you, she’s excited. You’ll get along well, anyways. You’re pretty similar people.” He leans over to rub your thigh.

“Okay, I trust you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You squeeze his hand and open the door to get out. You turn to close the door and it looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t. You wave and shut the door before getting back in your car.

What the hell did you get yourself into?

***

Grayson walks back into his house, almost body slamming Ethan by accident.

“Dude, watch out. Were you sitting here waiting for me the whole time?” He jokes, an annoyed Ethan rubbing his chest where Grayson’s shoulder hit him.

“No, stupid. I was going to take the quad for a ride. How’d the appointment go?” He watches Grayson put his keys down.

“Good. We heard the heartbeat and stuff, everyone’s healthy.” Grayson smiles to himself just thinking about it.

“It took, like, three hours for the doctor just to tell you that? Ma and I were scared something bad happened.”

“Nah, I took Y/N to lunch after because she really wanted a sandwich and it’s usually hard for her to even eat anything that early.”

“Oh, a date?” Ethan raises his brow as Grayson turns to him. Grayson rolls his eyes.

“No. A ‘you’re pregnant with my baby thanks for growing it’ lunch.”

“Yeah, okay. You’re gonna lie and tell me you’re not already in love with her or some shit?”

“E,” Grayson groans.

“No dude, you have to be careful. She’s going to be a part of your life forever now. Don’t fuck it up by falling too fast and then moving on. She’s not one of your ‘soulmates.’ She’s the mother of your kid. Just be smart.” Ethan opens the door and goes outside.

Grayson stands there for a minute, considering what Ethan said. He’s right, he can’t get caught up in any feelings he has for you because whatever relationship you have, it has to last forever. He knows he has the tendency to fall fast and then move on fast, too. He can’t do that with you.

***

You say your goodbye’s to Anna and her family before you head off to Jersey. You decide to call Grayson instead of texting him to let him know you’ve left. He picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hey, what’s up? Everything okay?”

This makes you laugh. “Yeah, the only time something is wrong is when I call you and something is wrong is at night. I just wanted to let you know I left so I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Oh, good. Okay. Can I make any breakfast for you?”

“Absolutely not. Can’t eat right now.”

“I’m sorry.” He pauses. “I’m gonna go to the store right now, tell me what you need.” You hear him shuffle around on the other end.

“What I need? Nothing,” you giggle.

“Oh my god my baby mama doesn’t even use shampoo I think I’m the one who has morning sickness now,” you hear him fake gag which makes you laugh harder.

“Grayson, I’ve got little toiletries and stuff. I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want you to be fine, I want you to be comfortable. Now tell me what I’m buying you because I’m already in the car.”

You list off all the products you use, the snacks have been your favorites, and he even says he’s going to get facemasks for you all to do.

When you pull into the long driveway, the butterflies erupt in your stomach. You had absolutely no clue how this would go, but there was no turning back now. You couldn’t, the driveway was too narrow to do that.

You reach the house and pull up next to the other cars in the driveway. You see Grayson sitting on the porch, which makes you laugh.

You turn the car off and go to gather your things when you hear your door open. You turn and see a giddy Grayson standing there.

“Hey.”

You laugh. “Hi there.”

“Where’s your stuff?”

“My bag is in the back seat.” He moves to grab your bag as you get your purse and hop out of the car, closing your door. He does the same once he’s got your bag on his shoulder.

“Welcome to the humble abode,” he says as he leads you by putting his hand on your back. You walk to the door and he opens it, letting you step in first.

“It is so nice in here.”

“My mom is super into décor and stuff. Wanna see where you’re staying?” You nod and he leads you to a closed door. When you look inside you see a bed next to… the washing and drier machine? You give him a questioning look.

“So we don’t have a guest room and I moved my bed into here because Ethan is annoying and I can’t share a room with him anymore. I’ll sleep on the couch.” You nod, walking inside. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not ideal. Ethan and I are gonna look for our own place when we’re back for the summer.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve slept in way worse place,” you giggle and he raises his brow.

“Alright, won’t ask. Ethan’s been low key dying to see you, even if he won’t admit it. He’s excited to meet his little niece or nephew.”

“Well I can’t deny him of that, can I? Where is he?”

Grayson leads you out into the main area. Ethan’s sitting at the dining table on his computer when he looks up and sees you. He’s immediately jumping up out of his seat.

“Y/N!” He runs over, but is stopped short by Grayson’s hand on his chest.

“Chill, bro. She’s pregnant. Don’t tackle her.”

Ethan rolls his eyes, ignoring him and keeping eye contact with you. “Hi.”

“Hi,” you giggle. He looks at you expectantly. You’re fully laughing now as you grab his hand and put it on your stomach. He’s falling to his knees instantly, his other hand going to the other side of your tummy.

“Hey baby. I know you don’t have ears or anything yet, but this is Uncle E talking to you. You have a whole bunch of people out here waiting for your arrival, but I’m definitely the most excited.” Grayson slaps the back of his head. “Ow. Okay, most excited besides your parents. I’ll be the cool uncle and all that.” He stands back up, looking at you again. “Sorry. Hi, how are you?” He laughs.

“I’m good, how are you?” You giggle.

“Good, yeah,” he nods. You all just stand there for a second looking at one another.

“Okay, we’re getting all the awkward out now because I refuse to be treated like the random hookup who got pregnant. Okay?” You look at the both of them and they look a bit surprised by your boldness. “Sorry, I’ve lost the little filter I had before.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Awkward is all gone now. Let’s give you a tour.” Ethan puts an arm around your shoulder and brings you into the kitchen, leaving Grayson where he’s standing. He follows behind you, his hands in his pockets while he watches the both of you interact.

You and Ethan get along really well. After your initial moment, it seems like you’d actually be really good friends. You felt bad for not talking to him more over winter break.

Grayson is not a huge fan. He’s sitting on the sidelines watching you talk and laugh while Ethan tells you all about the new video they’re editing right now. Before Grayson can cut in, Lisa walks in.

She smiles. “You must be Y/N.”

You stand from your chair, giving a soft smile as you wipe your sweaty hands on your leggings. “Hi, Mrs. Dolan. It’s really nice to meet you.” You hold your hand out to her and she laughs, pulling you into a hug.

“Honey, call me Lisa.” She rubs your back before pulling away and holding your elbows to look you in the eyes. “How’re you feeling?”

“Good!”

“Really? That’s good! These two put me through hell when I was pregnant with them. Can I get you anything?” You shake your head.

“No, I’m okay for now.”

“Just trying not to puke?” You laugh and nod. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“I’d know that face anywhere. Your first trimester is almost over, so you should be feeling better soon. Let me know if you need anything, okay?” She squeezes your arms before stepping back.

“Of course. Thank you for letting me stay.”

“This home is as much yours as it is Grayson’s now. You’re welcome here any time.” You smile and nod.

“Alright, you’re all gonna scare her away. Y/N, come see upstairs?” Grayson interjects and a part of you is relieved. Even though things were going really well, you were still on edge. You nod and go to follow him upstairs.

“I’m sorry about that, they just want you to feel comfortable here.” He leads you into a bathroom and shuts the door, making you laugh. “What?”

“The last time we were in this situation I got pregnant.” He starts laughing with you and you let your hand fall onto his shoulder.

Once you calm down, you smile widely at him. “They’re good people. Nice people. I’m sorry if I seem rude or off, I was just so anxious.”

He nods and pulls you into a hug, rubbing your back. You melt into him snuggling into his warm chest.

“It’s okay, they definitely understand. Plus, you didn’t seem anything but positive and happy. I couldn’t even tell you were trying not to puke.” You can feel his laugh rumble up through his chest.

“I’m still trying not to,” you laugh with him and he pulls back holding your shoulders to inspect your face. “I’m not gonna. Probably.” He raises his eyebrow. “Okay, if I do I’ll tell you so you can leave.” His face falls at that.

“No, I’ll sit with you and rub your back and all that. Get you water and stuff.” You’re shaking your head immediately.

“I hate puking in front of people. It’s okay, I’ve been doing it for weeks now. I’ve got a routine.” He pouts and pulls you back into a hug.

“I’m sorry. Please tell me if I can do literally anything for you.”

“You do enough, Gray. Don’t worry about it,” you mumble into his chest.

“What do you usually do to feel better?”

“Anything to distract myself. I just need to not think about it.”

“Challenge accepted.” He removes himself completely from you, opening the door. “Let’s go.”

The rest of the day with the Dolans is great. Grayson was right, you and Lisa are very similar and get along almost as well as you and Ethan do. You’re grateful they’re being so kind to you. Grayson is happy you’re getting along with his family, but it also makes him feel something he hasn’t felt in a while. Jealousy. He doesn’t want to admit that he likes having all of your attention, but he can’t act like he doesn’t want it all the time. When you’re on the phone with him, you’re usually alone. He liked when he got to hear about your day and then he got to open up to you. What can he say, he’s a selfish man.

That’s why when the night is winding down, he asks his family if you guys can watch a movie alone. Lisa goes up to her room for the night, but Ethan isn’t so kind at first.

“What, you don’t want me to crash your date?” He sits beside you on the couch where you’re right next to Grayson. Your cheeks blush and Grayson rolls his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up, E. Go away, you’ve harassed her all day.”

You open your mouth to say something but Ethan beats you to it.

“What if she likes spending time with me? After all, I am the better twin.”

“Bro if you don’t stop talking, I’ll fucking hit you.” “Yeah Gray? Doubt it. Y/N, I don’t blame you for-“ Ethan can’t finish his sentence before Grayson is up and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt to get him to stand up.

“Out. Now.” Ethan holds his hands up in mock surrender as he backs away.

“Fine. I’m out. But, you know. Have a good date. Use protection.” He laughs as he walks up the stairs. You chuckle as Grayson huffs and plops down next to you.

“I fucking hate him sometimes. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, that shit was kind of funny.”

Grayson settles in, remote in one hand and your thigh in the other. “What do you wanna watch?”

“Anything’s fine, I’m pretty tired anyways.” He nods and puts on Someone Great. You’d already seen it, but you didn’t say anything. You’d probably be asleep within ten minutes, anyway.

You were right. You don’t even remember seeing the first five minutes of the movie. You’re slumped on Grayson’s shoulder, snoring softly.

Grayson does everything in his power not to move, not wanting to disturb you. He thought you were cute when you slept.

You’re woken up when you feel Grayson shifting underneath you. You’d moved to be half on top of him in your sleep. You decide to ignore it, hoping you’d just fall back asleep. But, he’s moving under you again.

“Gray?” You mumble, barely audible.

“Sorry, sweet girl. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. Stop moving.”

“Yeah, okay.” He puts his hands on your torso, shifting you a bit before he stills. That’s when you realize what you hear. There are moans coming from the tv. You open one eye, looking at the screen and sure enough they’re having sex. You giggle a bit.

“Hmm?” Grayson hums, running a hand over your back.

“Did the sex scene make you uncomfy?” This makes him laugh, shaking your body with his.

“No. Not uncomfy.” You suck in a breath at the implication of his words. You think back to what Anna said. Pregnant sex would probably be really hot. But you have no idea if he’d even be interested in that.

“Missing your girls from LA?” You’re asking before you can control your tongue. Your eyes widen as you realize what you’ve said. You might just chop your tongue off completely.

“What?”

“Nothing, was a joke. Let me sleep.” You breathe out, hoping he didn’t hear you.

“Y/N.” He pats your back and then pushing your shoulder to roll you over. He grabs your chin so you have to look at him. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you were missing your LA girls. It was a joke, because of the whole sex scene. Didn’t mean anything by it.” His face looks stone cold, like you’ve made him mad. “I’m sorry.”

“There are no LA girls,” he huffs, rolling his eyes. You raise your eyebrows. “What, do you think I’m a fuck boy or some shit?”

“Well, kinda.”

He looks genuinely shocked at your words, shaking his head. “Y/N, no. Hell no. Even if I was before, not now. There’s no LA girls, and there never have been.” He crosses his arms, completely retracting from you. You sit up.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I know it’s a shitty assumption, but I mean what were we doing? I just thought you did that with everyone.”

He bites his lip, thinking carefully about what he wants to say next.

“I know what we did was only once, but I thought you were a good person. After we left, I kinda looked forward to when I’d see you over the summer whenever Jessie would bring you around. I don’t know what I was thinking or expecting, but it wasn’t a one and done deal. Ethan just really didn’t feel good that morning and made me leave before I could see you.”

You nod, taking this new information in. Of all the things he was going to say, you didn’t expect that. Although, he seems to always be filled with surprises.

“I’m sorry. It was a stupid comment, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Have there been any college guys?” He raises a brow.

“What? No. Even if I didn’t feel like a chubby marshmallow or some shit, no. I was…affected by our night together. And not just in the pregnant way.” You lean back next to him, mirror his posture.

“Oh, so you couldn’t stop thinking about my dick?” He smirks at you. You hit his arm and laugh.

“Shut up, that makes it sound so…dirty.”

“If it’s not dirty, then how were you thinking about it?”

“I don’t know. Just knew no one would really meet my expectations like you did.” Your voice is getting quieter and quieter as you feel like you want the couch to swallow you up.

“Yeah? How so?”

“You’re the first guy to make me finish.”

He gasps. “Y/N, no. Liar.”

You shake your head slowly, biting your lip.

“Wow. First guy to make you cum, first guy to impregnate you. I’m on a roll.” He puts his arm around your shoulder as you laugh.

“Oh god, I’m feeding his ego more and more.” You throw your arms up in defeat and he laughs.

“Well, the thought of you getting off to the thought of me this whole time definitely feeds my ego.”

Your cheeks blush as you roll your eyes. “Shut up.”

He laughs harder, pulling you closer to his body. “Nothing to be ashamed of, baby. Your hormones are raging. I’ve heard through the grapevine that pregnant women are horny all the time.”

“The grapevine? Who’s that?” “…Movies.”

“Alright well if you’ve got no LA girls, then you’ve been jerking off to the thought of me, too so I don’t appreciate the mockery.” You finally look at him, pointing your finger at him.

He bites his lips, his cheeks also becoming a dark shade of red. “You’ve caught me red handed.”

You giggle and poke his cheek. “That’s what I thought. Bet your fantasy is all ruined now that I’m getting bigger, though.”

He looks at you genuinely confused. “What?” You look at him with the same look of confusion. “Pregnancy isn’t sexy.”

He laughs. Like genuine, whole hearted laughter. “What are you talking about?” “What are you talking about?” You fire back.

“The fact that you’re pregnant with my baby is the hottest shit ever. I did that shit. We did that shit. It’s hot.”

“We can agree to disagree, then.”

So much for trying to keep things simple, Grayson thinks to himself.

“Let me prove it.”

***

Read the next part here

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mama-germany · 3 years

Text

~i have been working on this for MONTHS~

this is a thus-far comprehensive bio of my edgy emo child Keira. I’m using her in a Cyberpunk Red campaign so this is her bio as relates to the campaign, so some modifications have been made. This is not her canon form, but it’s close. if you’re part of the Swordfish campaign, go away, bc backstory spoilers. And trigger warnings for, uhh, a lot.

Keira’s the oldest daughter of Joey Youngwood and his wife Olivia. Her sister Carly comes along two years later, and two years after that, her parents go through a nasty divorce. Because of Joey’s demanding career as a contract Samurai for Biotechnica, Olivia gets primary custody. Keira’s childhood, while not particularly eventful, is marked by a distant relationship with her mom. Keira is a daddy’s girl through and through, she takes after her father, she resembles her father, she cherishes her time with him. Meanwhile she and her mom have little in common, and her resemblance to her father doesn’t really help. Keira’s dad teaches her about guns and how to defend herself and plants the seed of a love for rock music. He buys her her first guitar.

Andrew comes into the picture when Keira’s about 14. Olivia’s new boyfriend, he started out mediocre enough, but didn’t take well to standing off against the rebellious, petulant, and disobedient teenager, especially compared to her agreeable mother and mild-mannered sister. Their arguments turned physical more than a few times and Keira’s mother rarely intervened, on the basis of ‘Keira needing discipline’. For the record, to the best of Keira’s knowledge, Andrew never raised a hand to Carly.

Memories of Keira’s teenage years include studying music, similarly emo (and short lasting) boyfriends, piercing her ears and face by herself or with the help of acquaintances, occasionally stealing cigarettes, hooking up with her boyfriends in shady places, and going to prom in a short quinceanera dress at the behest of her father.

The second Keira turned 18, she moves out of her mother’s home and starts getting tattoos. She moves into her father’s Biotechnica funded apartment. While her father is thrilled, he’s also a busy man and Keira can’t really be trusted to keep herself out of trouble. He asks Skyler to keep an eye on her and keep her from getting herself hurt. That’s how they meet. Keira resents this straight-edge man trying to ruin her fun, but at least he’s cute. Through him she meets the rest of his friends, all elite corporate Samurai and soldiers who’ve been raised most of their lives for this kind of work. Maddelyn takes a shine to her, fascinated by how different her relatively normal life is by comparison to hers. Her boyfriend Dean despises her - seeing Keira as a stupid, obnoxious brat just getting in the way - and the feeling is more than mutual. Alina is ambivalent to her presence. Luce dislikes her attitude and distrusts her, but eventually they come to friendly terms over some common interests. Maddelyn and Keira eventually become close, bonding over Keira exposing her to things normal young women tend to do. They paint their nails, go out to bars, and Maddelyn is always a willing audience whenever Keira wants to practice her guitar.

For a short period of time, Keira’s got a boyfriend, Hunter, whom she meets at a music club. They manage to last a few months, longer than any fling she had in high school, but they too eventually split. Keira was spending more and more time with Maddelyn and the rest of the squad and, of course, Skyler. She’s very good at getting a rise out of this generally very even-tempered man, but at least she’s entertaining. Turns out that when she’s sort of behaving herself, he doesn’t really mind her company. He eventually shows an interest in her guitar, he asks her to attempt to teach him, and while he doesn’t take to it easily, it’s not too long before what do you know, Keira’s got a crush. She secretly considers Bad Company ‘their song’.

So her life’s pretty good, for a year and a half or so. Out of an unsafe living situation and spending time with the people that matter to her, and a couple new friends. That doesn’t last. Her dad’s essentially a soldier, after all. One day he leaves for work, and he never comes back. None of his squad do. Night City’s dangerous. Something took them all out. But Biotechnica��s excuses are pretty thin. Not that it matters to Keira - at first. Her father’s dead. She sees his body sent to the ovens before her eyes. She doesn’t know what to do, where to go. She won’t go back to her mom. Skyler lets her know that she’s still welcome around them. He and Mad look after her at their headquarters for the next few days.

The next few months after are her worst. She’s erratic. She’s impulsive. She’s drinking and smoking more. When she’s not doing that, she’s attempting to navigate Biotechnica’s departments to find out exactly what happened, what could have taken out an experienced Samurai squad with so little a trace, but Biotechnica is opaque. Maddelyn shares some of Keira’s suspicions, Skyler doesn’t. The others mostly dismiss her as well.

Several months after her father’s death, in that stage where you begin to claim you’re doing better but you’re really not, Keira finds herself with an older boyfriend. A little too much older. More of a sugar daddy, really, someone who can buy her all the liquor and cigarettes she wants. She just wants alcohol and a distraction. He wants a little more from her. One night he plies her with alcohol - she doesn’t exactly make it difficult - and starts touching her and doesn’t really take ‘no’ for an answer. Keira manages to bloody his nose and fight him off, she steals the keys to his motorcycle and leaves on it. But she’s drunk, she’s shaken, her nerves are fried, she barely knows how to drive as it is, and she crashes head-on into a curb. She wakes up in a hospital bed with Maddelyn and Skyler relieved she’s alive but not exactly happy with her. She’s got lots of breaks and dislocations, but at least nothing needs to be removed. Skyler angrily resolves to never let her out of his sight again, and Keira resolves never to let this happen again. She gets wolvers, Wolverine-like retractable claws, implanted into her hand a few days later.

She stabilizes after that, sort of. Sobered up, she spends more time with Maddy and Skyler and the others, taking them up on their offer to have a place to go. She’s grown a lot more attached to Skyler. A lot. He’s barely let her out of his sight for months and she does not mind. Maddy notices. Oh she notices. The sisterly pestering begins. They go out drinking, Mad teases her about her crush on Skyler, maybe it’s a bit more than a crush, and she says Skyler likes her too. A lot. And Maddy’s right about everything, all the time, right? So the day comes when Mad decides she’s had enough of seeing them dance around each other and takes it upon herself to lock them in a room together. Keira takes the hint and makes her confession. She loves him. Skyler........... doesn’t really know what to make of that. He’s shocked. Kinda confused. On the spot. Doesn’t know how he feels or what to do. He tells her people say and think crazy things when they’re mourning. Don’t make big decisions about how you feel like this.

~so that hurts~

Keira takes a deep breath and takes it like a big girl and tells him to forget this conversation ever happened. Forget she told him anything. She will too. And she keeps it to herself, but he’s her best friend. She can’t lose him. She doesn’t have much left. So she won’t press things and make him uncomfortable and alienate him. She’ll back off. Because she loves him. She hates Maddy at the moment tho. So does Skyler. Neither of them talk to her for a little while.

At least things return to normalcy, more or less, after a few weeks of avoidance and non-eye contact. Keira actually spends more time than ever with Alina, because she cares the least about her company. They have so little to bond over, but it’s the most comfortable silence Keira can find around others. But life goes on. Mad and Skyler and Luce are still her friends. As life goes on, Keira’s mind begins to wander to her future. She can’t stay there forever. She isn’t a Samurai. She isn’t one of Night City’s best and brightest, wasn’t born into the elite. She can’t be one of them. Over the next few months, Keira starts pulling away from the group bit by bit. She uses the money her father willed her to move out of his Corpo apartment into a place of her own (it’s small and shit, don’t get excited). She starts heading back into the chromer nightclubs, starts meeting new people. She plays a couple of small gigs, the last of which she actually got paid a meager sum for. Talks of starting a band are swirling around her head. Her childhood dreams of becoming a Rockerboy begin to resurface.

till they don’t.

She’s out on the streets with the squad one night. She met up with them during a routine patrol. Hanging out with Maddy, trading insults with Dean, the usual. They get an impromptu call to deal with a disturbance in the direction of Biotechnica’s offices. No one’s very worried about it. But they’re in one of the city’s combat zones and Keira’s a civilian. She’s gotta go. The rest of the squad’s written her off as Skyler’s problem, so he gets to escort her out. The details are hazy, but when the groups part ways, they never come back.

In Cyberpunk RED In their absence, there’s an explosion and an as-of-yet unknown team picks off the rest of the squad. Maddy barely survives and Trauma Team manages to put back together what’s left of her, and she goes into hiding while she recovers. She eventually hears rumors that the story is, she and her friends were eliminated for selling off company secrets. Framed, of course. It’s unknown what exactly happens to Keira and Skyler.

In my story canon, that takes place 200 years in the future instead of 20, everyone’s on a spaceship, doing routine things, shooting the shit, and they get that disturbance call. Keira begins arguing with Dean about his treating her like a pet. Maddy knocks her out to make everyone’s lives easier, and Skyler leaves with her. She’s given an oxygen mask while she’s out cold to make the transition to the smaller ship easier. While Skyler’s bringing her back to base, he begins feeling faint and passes out. When Keira comes to, and sees Skyler unconscious, she knows something is deeply wrong, and manages to pilot them to a civilian hospital, not the base. Not on her life.

Skyler is sequestered and once he comes to, is told that the rest of his teammates are dead. There was an accident on the ship after he left. The reality is, time-release gas canisters were planted in the air ducts to dull their senses and knock them out, leaving them unable to defend themselves against another ship blowing them out of the sky.

It’s been a few days. Keira’s access to Skyler is restricted. And he’s not recovering. Maybe there’s something to the whole thing about dying of a broken heart, but Keira suspects he’s being poisoned instead. During visiting hours, she asks a hapless nurse to take him for a walk, like an invalid, and she’s allowed to. Once hidden in a back stairwell, she jams an adrenaline shot into his chest, sets the stairwell on fire with a can of hairspray and a lighter, and they escape as the fire alarms go off. She brings him back to her apartment and nurses him back to health as best she can, just weaning him off the poison.

In both stories, at least he’s still alive and he believes her now.

Back to Cyberpunk RED, after a few days Keira helps Skyler find a place to stay, close to her, and they start trying to pull it together and make a plan of action. All Skyler can think to do is Solo work, and despite his protests, Keira refuses to let him go it alone. That’s how they begin their lives alone together in Night City, just trying to stay alive and find out what their loved ones died for.

#keira #my ocs

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tvandenneagram · 4 years

Photo

The Mortal Instruments Enneagram Types - Type Descriptions and Tri-types under the cut

Clary Fray: 4w5 - 6w5 - 1w2

Clary is brave, creative and stubborn. She will always try to do what she believes is right and will follow her heart when she makes decisions.

Clary is very artistic and has a talent for creating runes. She expresses herself through her art and and carries her sketchbook with her everywhere she goes, using it like a diary.

Clary will fight for what she believes in and will often put herself in danger if it means protecting those she cares about. She is stubborn and it is difficult to change her mind once she has made a decision

Clary is very romantic and is preoccupied with her relationship with Jace. She has extremely strong feelings for Jace and somewhat idealises their relationship. Type 4s are often very attached to their romantic partners and search for an ideal partner, which I think is what we see Clary doing with Jace.

I considered typing Clary as a 6 because she is very loyal, however I think that she is more preoccupied with finding out who she is in the world than her safety. I also think she does not make her decisions based on fear and that she doesn’t really plan out her actions very much. While this could indicate that she is counterphobic I think it is more likely that she is a type 4.

Clary has a wing 5 because she is more introverted and withdrawn than a wing 3 would be.

Jace Herondale/Wayland/Morgenstern/Lightwood/whatever name he has this week: - 6w7 (cp) - 8w7 - 3w4

Jace is independent, headstrong and sarcastic. He presents himself as haughty and arrogant, but uses this attitude as a defense mechanism for his insecurites.

Despite Jace’s flippant attitude he has a strong moral core and is very dutiful. He is a very skilled fighter and takes his training seriously. Underneath his pompus exterior, Jace is hiding distinct feelings of inferiority. He is extremely self-loathing in the original trilogy and often purports things to be his fault when they are not. Jace believes that he has been fed demon blood and attributes his conflicts with this. He hates the feelings he has for Clary and blames it on being part demon. Even when all this is disproven, Jace still carries his mistakes like a burden and believes that he is defective. Some type 6s (especially counterphobic 6s, like Jace) feel like the world is ‘against’ them and I think this attitude comes across from Jace, especially earlier in the series.

Jace has very complicated feelings towards Valentine. While Valentine was abusive and is known to be evil, he is also the man who raised Jace. Jace holds onto his positive memories of Valentine, despite all the lies and abuse he suffered upon him. 6s often have complex relationships with their parental figures and they seek their support.

Jace will fight for his issues head on and often runs straight into battle to protect the people he cares about. I think Jace is the counterphobic variant of 6, as he is more likely to show his aggression and put themselves in dangerous situations. Counterphobic 6s are also often rebellious and defiant to authority (because they don’t trust it), which is something we see in Jace.

I considered typing Jace as an 8 because he is very assertive and values strength. However I believe that Jace is assertive and acerbic because he doesn’t trust easily. He puts walls up because he is scared of letting people in because he doesn’t want his trust to be broken. When Jace lets someone in he is very loyal and will do anything for them.

Jace has a wing 7 becomes he is more emotionally expressive and more likely to react than a wing 5 would be.

Alec Lightwood: 1w9 - 2w1 - 6w5

Alec is principled, caring and brave. He is straightforward and doesn’t care much for pretenses.

Alec is serious and responsible. As the oldest member of his family, Alec put it upon himself to be the protector of his family. He felt that he had to be the most responsible and as a result became very dependable. Alec is extremely compliant and concerned with the rules of the Clave.

Alec is very concerned with what others think of him. He is so scared of what his parents and friends would think of him if they found out he were gay so he kept it secret from everyone except Izzy. Alec knew since a young age he was gay, but bottled his feelings up, because the Clave said it was wrong. He was scared to go against the Clave’s laws and was worried of losing his family’s respect.

Alec can sometimes come across as judgmental, rigid and condescending, which are common flaws of Type 1s. Underneath all that, Alec is the harshest critic on himself and he holds himself to impossible standards. Despite being very accomplished, he never thought he was good enough and would discount his successes. Alec is often afraid to make a mistake, which results in him being very careful and practical when making his decisions.

Alec initially had a snobbish attitude and prejudice towards Downworlders, but opens up more as he interacts with them. In his relationship with Magnus, Alec becomes more carefree and loosens up a bit. He still shows insecurities within this relationship, but is able to overcome them.

Alec has a wing 9 as he is more guarded with his emotions than a wing 2 would be.

Magnus Bane: 7w6 - 4w3 - 9w8

Magnus is eccentric, worldly and kind. He really wants to find love and acceptance in the world.

Magnus is very flamboyant and whimsical. His personality contrasts quite distinctly with Alec’s more serious and reserved demeanour. Magnus is very open and does not compromise himself for anyone. He is inclusive and accepting of all people, having friends of all different walks of life.

Magnus enjoys a good party and seeks out experiences. As an immortal, he has had quite a storied life and has been all over the world. At times, it can seem like he doesn’t take situations very seriously and will make snarky jokes about them.

Deep down, Magnus yearns for the love and acceptance he never got from his parents. He had a difficult childhood and was not accepted by his family because he was a Downworlder. Due to this trauma, Magnus tries to repress his negative feelings and numb them with more ‘fun’ experiences. While he appears to be very open, he is actually deceptively guarded and is very hesitant to share deep and honest experiences with others. Magnus appears lively and jovial but is hiding a jaded and cynical worldview.

In his relationship with Alec, Magnus is initally the much more active party. 7s are assertive types and if they want to do something they will do it. We often see Magnus being the one to act first whereas Alec was too scared to act on his feelings for a long time. However, as time passes and their relationship becomes more public we see issues begin to form and Magnus is the one to pull away. When Magnus hears about Alec’s idea to turn him mortal, Magnus feels betrayed and breaks up with him. After their break up, Magnus is very avoidant of Alec and ignores him. This is quite typical of 7s, who hate to confront feelings.

Magnus has a wing 6 as he is more relationship focused and personable than a 7w8.

Isabelle Lightwood: 3w2 - 6w7 - 1w2

Izzy is fierce, passionate and confident. She can come across as vain or narcissistic, but is actually very insecure and vulnerable.

Izzy is charming and magnetic. She has a quality about her which draws people in. Izzy is comfortable with her looks and will often use them as a means to get what she wants. Despite her outgoing demeanour, she is actually very distrustful and fragile. Izzy is guarded with her true feelings and is hesitant to let people know the real her.

Izzy has a bit of an image that she has crafted of being rebellious and promiscuous to protect herself. She dated a lot and many of these dates were people her parents wouldn’t approve of. Izzy would form meaningless relationships so that she wouldn’t have to worry about forming real feelings or being hurt. She also did this in part to detract attention from Alec so her parents wouldn’t be suspicious of him.

Izzy is very protective and loyal to her friends. She loves them very deeply and is devastated whenever something bad happens to them. Izzy always tries to be there for her family and defends them with everything she has. She is particularly depressed when her brother Max dies as she blames herself for the death. She thinks that she failed him because she didn’t listen to him when he tried to tell her something was wrong. Izzy holds onto this guilt and even skipped the funeral because she felt she did not deserve to be there.

Izzy desperately wants love, but is hesitant to trust any man. Her mother confided in her when she was younger about her father’s infidelities and told her never to trust a man. As a result, Izzy is the character who takes the longest to open herself up to love. She is passionate about Simon, but is scared to love him because she thinks it will only bring her pain.

Izzy has a wing 2 because she is more grandiose and showy than a wing 4 would be. 3w2s are generally more concerned with their outward appearances and appearing desirable compared to 3w4s.

Simon Lewis: 9w1 - 4w5 - 6w5

Simon is calm, nerdy and accepting. He is a great friend and is courageous when he needs to be.

Type 9s look for normalcy and struggle with change, which is something we see in spades with Simon. When we first meet Simon he is the only mundane character. He is the ‘normal’ one surrounded by all the magical creatures in the TMI universe. Later on, Simon is transformed into a vampire (well first he’s a rat, then he’s a Daylighter and then he’s a Shadowhunter) and longs to be normal. He resists his vampiric urges and refuses to drink from humans for an extremely long time. Simon struggled for a long time to accept this change and was worried about how it would affect his relationships with his loved ones. He desperately craved a normal life and once he became a Daylighter he tried as best as he could to lead as normal a life as possible.

Simon is non-confrontational and is afraid to share his true feelings for the fear that it might change his relationships. At the beginning of the series, he had been in love with Clary for years but never mustered up the courage to say so. He is initially very jealous of Jace and tries to get Clary not to like him. When he is dating Clary he realises her true feelings lie with Jace and ends the relationship. At his core, Simon truly cares for his friends and just wants them to be happy.

Simon is a great listener and genuinely cares about his friends feelings. He is something of a sounding board and both Clary and Izzy with both feeling very comfortable talking about their problems with him. When Max died, Izzy was able to find comfort in Simon. He listened to her and was able to give her solace and understanding.

Simon is a people pleaser and is scared to hurt other’s feelings. Sometimes, this can lead to him making some mistakes. 9s fear conflict and will try to avoid it at all costs. They avoid saying negative things because they don’t want people to react badly or hurt their feelings. We see this in the whole mess with Maia and Izzy. I actually hate this storyline but I feel it is a good example of Simon’s general 9-ness. When Simon was dating both girls he showed the 9s indecisiveness, people-pleasing and fear of conflict. I feel that Simon wasn’t honest with either girl because he was scared of their reaction and scared of hurting their feelings. I also feel like Simon was confused in his feelings and couldn’t decide which girl was actually the one for him.

Simon has a wing 1 because he is more repressed and uptight than a 9w8 would be. His 1 wing also influences him to want to be a ‘good’ person, which is part of why he is so upset when he becomes a vampire (which he feels is turning him into a ‘monster’).

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Images adapted from Google

The Infernal Devices Types (x)

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starfighter10 · 4 years

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tlou2 opinion

So I really had to share my opinion(rant) on the last of us part 2 and boy I have a lot to say. I am gonna dwell deep into this one, so bear with me if you can and want to

But before that I have to share the feelings I hold for tlou1.Back when I finished tlou1, I knew I experienced something truly magical. I was pleasantly surprised by the beautifully crafted story, the execution of the characters, the music, the gameplay , and the effort that went into shaping the journey of the game,the character arcs and bonds. You could see and experience the uniqueness and passion that went into the first project. This game immediately became a favourite of mine.

When tlou2 was announced, my expectations were skyhigh,was elated to continue Joel and Ellie's journey and how it unfolds. The bar set by the first one was exceptionally high and probably impossible to achieve, but I had trust and faith in naughty dog, thought they couldn't go wrong with this one. After experiencing tlou2 , I am speechless.... not in a good way. I have no words to express my disappointment,frustration and anger I feel right now. I don't even know where to begin.... the absolute mess of a plot, the original characters being blatantly ignored, retconned and disrespected in favour of new bland characters, the plotholes in the story, the false advertising and marketing, naughty dog's hubris, making a complete mockery of your fans who are paying money to play something but getting baited for something else. I am utterly heartbroken and angry.

The plot - the driving force of the game is over ambitious, lazy,sloppy and nihilistic. It felt forced. Naughty dog bit off more then they could chew with this one. Tlou2 could have gone several ways in terms of plot with the existing characters, yet we get the cliche revenge plotline with the character abandoning the quest altogether to realise revenge isn't the answer. This trope has been done several times before, with more finesse and better execution. The writers aim for the " Ellie breaks the cycle of the revenge" but it really fails to achieve this as she blatanly annihilates several characters,npcs along the way in quest of her revenge. The damage has been done practically speaking. According to naughty dog's logic , I should expect Nora's sister or a random npc's friend/relatives in tlou3 hunting down Ellie in their revenge quest. Also Abby's quest literally does nothing for me. This character was so poorly written, executed and shoved down our throats, I didn't have any sort of attachment or empathy for her. I simply don't care about this character.

The circumstances that lead to Joel's death was out of character as well. Since the trailer drop in 2016, I was prepared for his inevitable death. Thought he would probably go out like the badass he is, maybe sacrificing himself for Ellie/tommy. The Joel I know from tlou1, a hardened survivor who has fought tooth and nail to survive the past 20 years would NEVER end up in a situation like that. Joel was intensely alert, critical,clever and intuitive. The argument here may be that he has softened in Jackson, but I feel at this point this should be 2nd nature to him. Something that is automatic. Yet the writer's now want you to believe he is a dumbass who would trust a group of strangers, make small talk and introductions and end up in a situation like that. One of the bigger issues was the constant reinforcing that Joel wiped down the fireflies in cold blood and doomed humanity for death by robbing them of their cure for survival,Ellie believing the cure would have been a guaranteed sure shot success ..... WHY? This retcons the first one completely. The beauty of the tlou1 was it's moral ambiguity and uncertainty. We were constantly hinted that fireflies is a mess of a group whose agendas weren't clearly known, whose actions caused the sacrifice of many people for the sake of a slight possibility of a cure.They were power hungry and were cruel enough to send a 14 year old girl to her death with no remorse,consent or any proper investigation or medical research. Joel initially negotiates to find someone else, gets shut down immediately, gets his means of survival snatched and was practically marched to his death. He had no option but to wipe clean these people who planned on killing someone dear to him, for something that is uncertain or in vain. And yes this was a selfish decision on Joel's part, and that was the beauty of it. The moral ambiguity. He was right or wrong or both - open to your interpretation. BUT NOW NAUGHTY DOG WANTS TO TO ERASE ALL THAT DEVELOPMENT. The active reinforcement that Joel was a cold, ruthless murderer who killed fireflies and deprived humanity of its cure? Trying to erase the fact that he was surviving and trying to keep his dear ones safe in this cold, brutal and unforgiving postapocalyptic world. So that we sympathize with Abby and enjoy golfing the tf outa Joel?. Ellie seems like a different character in this one, but again this character is immediately pushed to a whirlwind of traumatic events right from the start of the game. I missed her spark of joy,humour and enthusiasm. The treatment of the main chatacter in her own game is utterly cruel and disappointing, and seemed unfair to me. By the end, Ellie is broken beyond repair. Though she thematically chooses to be the better person and gives up on her vengeance and hate, she still manages to be on the losing side as she ends up losing her father figure which was her closest bond, loses Dina and the kid , she doesn't have her community, her people, her fucking fingers as well. Why? So Ellie could suffer a little more and be unable to do most important thing that bonded her to Joel. Not to mention she loses her switchblade too, her mother's final memory. Surprised that ND spared her mother's letter . Feel her pain and despair. Why does Ellie get such a shitty,depressing, worthless, futile and a hopeless conclusion while Abby not only gets her revenge successfully, forms a close bond in Lev and gets to escape possibly to a fresh start. Ellie? Nah she gets to suffer alone. Her BIGGEST FEAR has become a reality by the end. The least they could do is let Ellie have some solace and calm, surrounded by her loved ones on that farm,her trying to recover from her trauma slowly but surely, it's what joel would have wished for. But no, she is left all alone, absolutely traumatized, all by herself with nothing to look forward to. Oh and tommy is whole new character in every scene. So keep your eyes peeled for various versions of tommy throughout. The character inconsistencies are ridiculous.

The gameplay, beautiful sceneries, and new characters like dina and jesse are few of the positives of game - leaning more towards Jesse. Dina felt perfect for Ellie and Jesse did manage to lighten up few of the moments. The space shuttle cutscene, the museum flashback sequence, ellie and joel's flashbacks were the only parts that remotely captures the magic and beauty of tlou1. I got emotional watching them. The space shuttle sequence hits you with the feels. Joel slaying a bloater with a machete was cinematic art. (Hot too)

Abby... the forced deuteragonist, is an utter failure of character execution. Her character was forced onto us, felt hasty and lacked real build up. She starts off on the wrong foot by killing one of the most popular characters. If ND really wanted this character to work, the only possible way would have been to play her point of view and backstory prior to her mercilessly killing and torturing a guy who just saved her life. What was ND thinking? That a few hours of her pov,forced out of the blue background story, her getting to play with dogs while ellie has no option but to attack the dogs, the abby-lev bond which is pretty much discount or the walmart version ellie and joel would be enough to side with her over ellie and joel???? The part where they force you to play as abby against ellie? It made me sick. I felt cheated and disgusted.

The false advertising to make us believe joel is alive and good? That this is an ellie and joel centric game?To tug at your heartstrings like this. A complete mockery of the fans who waited 7 years to see their favorite characters get horribly treated,retconned, disrespected and thrown under the bus in favour of new unlikable characters. Butchering the heart and soul of the last of us - Joel and Ellie's bond. The fact that these two don't even get a heart to heart before his death, that Joel dies uncertain of ellie's future, maybe thought he could not save Ellie in those final painful moments, that she had never forgiven him, Ellie never getting her closure with Joel, or really getting to tell him how much he meant to her.... all these thoughts legit made me shed tears. Broke my heart. This is how much ND wanted to honour and respect ellie and joel.

The game's conclusion is hollow, futile, worthless and depressing. And in my opinion, this is non canon. This is the only way I can cope with this unsastifying conclusion. It is immaturity I guess... but I will feel better about it.

Though I utterly despise tlou2, tlou1 will continue to remain one of my favorite pieces of work in fiction. JOEL FUCKING MILLER WILL ALWAYS BE THE BADDEST BITCH AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE THE LOVE I HAVE FOR HIM.

If someone actually read it all the way, thank you for your time and effort. Really needed to rant and let these negative emotions out.

#the last of us #the last of us part 2 #tlou spoilers #tlou #tlou2 #tlou joel #tlou ellie #my rants #ellie #joel miller #joel

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themulberrytree · 4 years

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character sheet.

full name: Shallan Davar pronunciation: Sha-Lahn Dah-var (fuck IPA i am not doing that shit again)

nicknames: strong one (by hoid), love, dear (by adolin), storming woman (mostly by kaladin)

height: 5′6″ age: 19/20 (rosharan years) / 21-22 (earth years) zodiac: gemini (donut ask me when her bday is i donut have a date yet) languages: (spoken/written): veden (native), alethi, azish, selay (moderate skill in speaking only) thaylen (reading/writing only).

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour: rich, deep red, only red. eye colour: bright blue skin tone: shallan is very fair, though she spends as much time in the sun as she can, so her face is dusted with freckles. body type: slim and slender. unlike the curvaceous body type often seen on alethi women, shallan is much smaller both in figure and stature. she could be mistaken for delicate, at first glance. as she spends more time training with her blade, her body becomes much more defined and muscular, but she will never achieve any kind of bulky muscles, she simply does not have the body type.

accent: her natural veder accent would be considered low, given shallan’s isolation out in the countryside. she can speak in a more posh (re: acceptable) accent, but she has little reason to do so. dominant hand: right posture: shallan has the posture of a perfect vorin lady, back straight and shoulders back at all times. when sitting, her freehand always covers her safehand, placed delicately in her lap unless she is sketching. when walking, her hands are clasped in front of her. she is rarely animated in her posture when speaking, and depending on her company, she works hard to blend in. when alone, shallan may slouch when studying, or do her work in a very unlady like fashion on her bed. if she trusts her present company, they may witness this lapse in acceptable posture, but only if she trusts them.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth: jah kaved hometown: some hick town in the middle of the countryside. birth weight / height: 6 pounds, 3 ounces. 18 inches. manner of birth: natural first words: pa siblings: (all elder, all brothers) helaran, balat, twins: wikim and jushu parents: lin davar, and an unnamed mother, malise davar (step mother), all deceased. parental involvement: shallan remembers a somewhat happy childhood (although the likelihood of that being the case is up for debate). her mother taught her how to draw, and was in charge of shallan’s education in the early years. much of her early years have been forgotten due to the trauma of shallan’s witnessing (see: committing) her mother’s murder. she did not speak at all for half a year afterwards. from that point on, her father became overbearing, and with each year he was less of the man shallan had first known. he was violent towards two of her brothers and the servants, often scaring away tutors, so shallan’s education in those critical years was sporadic at best. her father demanded complete obedience, and any deviation on her part meant that a servant got beaten in her place. in order to spare them and placate her father, shallan worked hard to draw little attention to herself and obey. it was her father who also chose her devotary (purity) rather than her having the opportunity to choose for herself.

ADULT LIFE

occupation: she is the ward of jasnah kholin, having managed to convince the woman she was worthy of wardship at seventeen. after being taken in, shallan begins her education in scholarship, fine tuning her skills in making logic based arguments, study, and critical thinking.

on the shattered plains, she secures work with highprince sebarial as a clerk while maintaining the work in finding urithiru that she started with jasnah, and working to infiltrate the secret group known as the ghostbloods.

she latter assumes a more public role as a knight radiant, the first of the order of lightweavers in centuries. while her status as a radiant is known, she works very hard to keep her work covert. she deals in spywork and information, and uses her lightweaving to form disguises for herself and associates. she has also used her abilities to battle unmade, work oathgates, and help run reconnaissance in kholinar.

as highprincess, her duties would include helping manage affairs of the realm and detecting intrigue to better aid her husband.

close friends: lmafo what are those????? jk, her brothers, later adolin, renarin, kaladin, jasnah (sort of, more teacher/student) wit/hoid (when he’s around). relationship status: verse dependent, married to adolin kholin in canon financial status: her family is destitute, and shallan herself has little experience in personally handling money. that being said, she knows how to balance finances and plan expenses. when working for sebarial, she manages to secure a comfortable pay from him, her later marriage secures her financial security, though her status as a radiant could’ve done that too. driver’s license: she could probably drive, but would be terrible at it due to the fact that she’d keep lookin out the window. she has little experience on horseback, but can manage. criminal record: technically none yet, having managed to get away with murder twice. she had also stolen successfully from jasnah kholin.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation: bisexual romantic orientation: biromantic, could be polyromantic preferred emotional role: submissive (someone pls force her to accept comfort i am beggin) | dominant | switch | unsure preferred sexual role: submissive | dominant | switch | sex repulsed | libido: she’s basically DTF anytime and anywhere, and yes, i wish i were kidding, but she’s just horny on main. turn ons: she’s into more traditional kinds of attractiveness, people who look put together. but she really enjoys some kind of hint at wildness, hair that won’t quite stay, a kind of subtle ruggedness. post-battle disheveledness is HOT. allow her to talk about her studies, things she’s working on or wanting to start, she’ll love that. don’t be afraid to talk about your own interests, she goes off on her own a lot, so she’ll want someone with their own hobbies too. be kind, be willing to grow and change and share. be there if she asks. laugh at her absolutely fucking awful jokes. on the more physical side, not being afraid to show affection in public. that spot on the neck below the ear? yeah, kiss it. leave a mark. kiss the inside of her wrist. do not be afraid to be rough with her, she’s not easily hurt and she doesn’t always like being treated like a china doll. go to town. BUT you must also be good at taking your time. tenderness is a good trait to have in every day life, but if you can translate that into the intimacy of the bedroom, give her a slow buildup, ur golden. turn offs: unnecessary rudeness, lack of independence. anyone who treats her like she needs protecting, or thinks she needs to confine herself in some way, for any amount of time. never laughing at her terrible jokes, or indulging her seemingly random curiosities. being a skybreaker. love language: physical touch is primary, but quality time and words of affirmation are also great. relationship tendencies: shallan has a tendency to fall fast. even when she’s telling herself to be careful and take things slow, it’s easy to pull her in and have her grow an attachment on a superficial level fairly early. she’s good about letting the other person lean on her for support, but she’s not so great when it comes to sharing anything deep about herself. she has a habit of trying to mold herself into what she thinks the other person would like, and clinging to that. if confused she might play around with feelings, though she’s not fully aware she’s doing it. she’s big on positive reinforcement, she’ll let you know if she enjoys your company, and when she’s invested in the relationship, she’ll look for fun ways to spend time with that person. she might attempt to appear more serious and mature than she is, but her silliness will slip out. when she loves though, she loves completely, and a distracted heart is settled once she makes a decision about what she wants.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song: flowers, from ha.des.town iris, goo goo dolls moth’s wings, passion pit: this is more a general vibe. i picture it when shallan is in a creative spurt. sun, sleeping at last: for the same creation aesthetic. fire drills, dessa (for when she finally Snaps. and also some lines just really Hit)

hobbies to pass the time: drawing is the big one. she’s always got her sketchbook and something to draw with on hand. it’s an art she’s perfected and uses it both for her lightweaving, and to relax. she enjoys scholarship, exploring history is of a special interest, but taking a closer look at the local flora and fauna is just as fun. she’s naturally curious, so if something grabs her attention, she will want to take a look. she also enjoys discussing what she’s working on with other people, sometimes just so she can use them as a sounding board, but also because they might have insights she doesn’t. it’s very fun for her to explore ideas. she likes going on walks, exploring the area around her. just spending quality time with people she enjoys too. mental illnesses: Dissociative Personality Disorder is the big one. ADHD, PTSD, some depression. physical illnesses: None. left or right brained: right fears: CONFINEMENT. she fears vulnerability and relying others, but she also craves it quite a bit. she fears being understood completely because she’s certain there isn’t anything left to love if someone were to see everything. she fears what she can’t understand, and losing the people she loves, more than she already has. self confidence level: extremely low. she projects an air of self confidence, but frequently downplays her talents. she finds it completely astounding that adolin might actually find her attractive in any sense, let alone be interested in her as a person. her trauma and what she precieves as crimes has left her feeling hollowed out, because she is so terrified of someone really Seeing her, she works hard to hide those corners of herself from others and often feels like she’s failing at even that. vulnerabilities: shallan keeps secrets. too many of them. and she can often dig herself into a pit and struggle to get herself out, and even when she’s in that deep, she has difficulty asking for help. she doesn’t always think things through. her dpd can leave her particularly vulnerable depending on which personality is in control (veil in particular has trouble seeing the Big Picture). it’s easy to goad her into a fight (of the verbal variety) and she will stop at nothing to have the last word. if you have members of her family to hold over her, that’s a good tool. and shallan cannot resist a good mystery, that is a surefire way to pull her in.

tagged by: @luck-crowned tagging: @marblecarved (for mary, emma, or horace!), @melnchly (meg or ros), @minastiriiths, @arturiusrex, @gxtenoughnxrve, @ambiidexter, and @arborvitas

#c. shallan #this took me several days of fact checking the books for some shit lmafo #anyway meet my garbage daughter

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