#but i also had some older online friends where that connection was really important to me

[xxsaints4girlsxx]

'this isnt minors dni im not a cop' agsldlshgd i love u and HARD agree

kill the cop in your head!!!!! stop tryna police ppl!!!!!

yeah i mean i understand why some people say that - it's usually more for their own comfort than it is for the protection of minors. obviously teenagers with unfettered internet access are gonna find whatever content they look for, but i totally get wanting to post explicit shit without feeling like the audience is full of kids.

personally - the only nsfw stuff i even post is like, jokes about sex and/or drugs, commentary about sexual politics, plus occasionally suggestive art and artsy nude photography. i'm also a horror fan and a gothic literature enjoyer, so i might post somewhat gorey imagery and talk about things like abuse and other heavy topics in fiction.

if you're a young person on tumblr, i trust you to know yourself and what sort of thing you're comfortable seeing and can engage with in a mature way. if anything i post bothers you, please unfollow me. otherwise - do what you want, i'm not your mom, your principal, your boss, or your priest, and i'm sure as shit not a cop.

[weebsinstash]

we talked about a Dog Reader, so now I'm thinking about a Reader who's an object head, specifically a piece of tech like Vox and I'm leaning heavily towards a Computer Darling with a computer monitor head who has different technological abilities, but, anyways, here's a bunch of mixed Alastor and/or Vox with a Computer Darling ideas

- Computer Darling who actually has Big Dysmorphia over not having a human-like form anymore and thinks they're actually ugly but Vox thinks you're totally perfect

- you know how Alastor was friends with the original, old Vox who had his old head and was older tech. I think about how when I was growing up, the computers were those big clunky desktop dialup ones, and I just think of a Darling who, for whatever reason, can change their appearance and is anxious of letting other people see they have a big ass dinosaur computer monitor head, just some bigass square heavy bullshit, and Alastor finds out and you're worried he's gonna judge you and it's like. He ALSO thinks you're extremely adorable

-I just really like the idea of a Computer Darling warming Alastor up to certain aspects of tech and the internet, because it's about the utility that's important. You could just start ADHD rambling about all the cool things you've learned over the years and he's over here, kicking his feet looking at you being so cute and excited ^^ you're over here with stars in your eyes talking about all the wonders and opportunities there out with different inventions and science and, things like, oh my gosh Alastor recently Japan hollowed out an entire fucking mountain and filled it with a special fluid where they could monitor these things called neutrinos which are like these extremely important microscopic particles that could fundamentally change our understanding of the universe-- like you know what I mean? He loves your passion and excitement, you're just so adorable to him when you start rambling, he could listen to you talk for hours and ask all sorts of questions and he can tell it makes you really happy 🥺❤️

- I just like the idea of like. Computer Reader could all but dive into the internet and be on it in their own head kinda a la Ghost In The Shell or like, Cyberpunk Edgerunners, you can just connect to tech and control it and learn new things over time. But most importantly, maybe Reader does some, dramatic theatrical thing where, you hate your actual Sinner body and you find out how to make and pilot a completely different one. Like Alastor meets you out on the street as this person with hair and skin and horns or something, you know, demonic but still human, and he finds out you're basically like, blutoothing it from inside your closet back at home. You're piloting clones like that guy from Frieren. You somehow managed to technomancy some bullshit together to make a fake robot body because you hate having your big dumb square head and no nose or hair or anything. But then Alastor or Vox eventually finds out your true identity and they never want to see your fake double ever again

-I keep thinking of. The potential body horrors in a robot Darling that stacks on top of Hazbin's specific setting and premises. These two could literally disassemble you. They could easily detach limbs. You wouldn't die, ever. And I'm not saying they would like, butcher or torture you but in thriller or horror sort of contexts, think about these sorts of things: Vox who can restrain you and forcibly plug different cords into the ports on your body and suddenly he can "access the files" of your body and memories. He can install certain things inside of you that you can't overpower or remove without having some sort of password or debugging. Alastor who decides he doesn't want you modernizing any of your body parts (like Vox did) and forces you to stay in a body you might hate. Alastor who DOWN GRADES your tech because he either thinks you're online too much or he thinks it's ruining you somehow. Alastor with a computer Darling and Vox is hostile to you and winds up hacking into you and Alastor is forced to downgrade your tech to protect you, but he also likes how this entire situation has made you more trusting and dependent on him

-people use this for Vox a lot and I think it would be cute, or also maybe potentially narratively dramatic, if Reader when they're sleeping sometimes had parts of their dreams play on their screen-face while they're asleep. Nothing like the yandere who is peeping on you while you snooze getting to see extremely intimate looks inside your head! Any nightmares about your childhood, perhaps? Any violent urges? How unhinged and degenerate are you when given free reign? I mostly just think of nightmare drama, though. Like imagine Alastor or Vox spending time with you as either like a friend or a new partner or whatever and you guys have a really nice fun day together and that same night they see you having a super vivid nightmare of them rejecting you and mocking you and it's just so detailed and real and AWFUL, they either wake you up or you wake up yourself and you're clearly affected by it, not really wanting to see them or talk to them, and they're left wondering how often you're having these nightmares

- personally I think there's some real potential for Vox to be Big Creepy because like, you can text him WITH your body, send him emails inside of your head, you can store files amd create programs and animations and songs inside of yourself and upload the files or send them to people, so you can LITERALLY do every yandere's dream of "something that was inside of you is now inside of them"

-I think of Computer/Tech Darling having blutooth tech in their home like a radio or TV and you like to connect to them to make music or entertain yourself or "do a bit". Like imagine if you were in a relationship with Vox and something bad happens to him, maybe Valentino makes fun of him right on the air or something, and he's all but racing to your apartment after work because you're like the ONE solace he has and you do some shit like, he's sitting down on the couch and the TV turns on and it's "an extra special investigative report on how cool the Television Demon is" and the display is you dressed up as a news anchor asking other versions of you out on the street what they think of Vox of the Vees and by the time the "segment" is over he's ready to cry because like??? It's been so long since he's felt genuinely appreciated and supported??? Vox who becomes super yandere for Reader because you're like the ONE person who makes him feel wanted and gave him kindness when he needed it--

- Tech Darling who is poly with Alastor and Vox and whenever you want to annoy Alastor you just start playing dubstep or some shit, and whenever you're mad at Vox, you do some, fake ass "radio broadcast" about how the Television Demon is "a no-good, conniving canoodling cretin and that the RADIO DEMON is the cat's pajamas-" like you'll try and do bits that align with the time periods they're from and their interests and, I just like the idea of a Reader who, maybe through the red string soulmate trope, is resistant to being in a relationship with one let alone both of them so you're trying to make them fight by playing favorites and they just think it's absolutely adorable. Like YES QUEEN I'm sure transforming into clothes from their time period to sarcastically make fun of them isn't going to make then start brainstorming what other clothes including wedding dresses they would like to see you in, go OFF honey

[aroaceconfessions]

Could I be aro?

Tw: details of romantic and sexual situations

I’ve recently been questioning whether or not I might be aro and want to know if that seems way off base to others who are. What led to me thinking this is what appears on the surface to be a fear of commitment. I’ve always desired a romantic relationship in theory, and I’ve had crushes on plenty of people growing up (I’m 23). As I got older and started to try online dating, I’ve had lengthy conversations with many different people on the apps, and probably between 5-10 first dates. In high school up to now, whenever the possibility of a relationship with someone I’m romantically interested in becomes real (irl crushes ask me out or online crushes suggest meeting in person), I get sort of sickened by the idea. People that either are very compatible with me on paper or that I flirt with a bunch over text suddenly gross me out.

Now, you might be saying, “It seems like you’re pretty romance-repulsed when the idea of being in a romantic relationship yourself becomes a possibility, rather than a fantasy or theory.” And it does seem like that. But my fantasies do involve me specifically, and I want to point out an important exception.

When I was 14, I had a crush on a guy who also had a crush on me. We were in a ton of classes together, he was actually one of my teacher’s sons. Same scenario, he asks me out, I say yes, we go on a first date and I hate it. But, for a lot of not great reasons, I decide to try and wait it out to see if that feeling goes away. I guess I thought relationships were hard and once you put the work in they get fun. So I was pretty miserable for about a year and a half, maybe two. But then, I started to get less miserable about the romantic aspects of our relationship. To a point where it seemed like I was enjoying all of the things I fantasized about. We were together until I was 18, and the last two years I was very happy with the romantic things like kissing, cuddling, dates, etc.

So. Idk if I got stockholm syndrome or what, but clearly I enjoyed that romantic relationship eventually. Idk what changed, because we definitely had a deep emotional connection way before I was comfortable with him in that way. There are a lot of little things too that make me question being aro, like not really having very many/if any significant crushes in the last 2-3 years, however I haven’t met a ton of new people in that time either (thanks pandemic). I went on a couple dates with one guy under the assumption we were both seeking a romantic relationship, but the first date was pretty much just hanging out as friends and the second date on did involve sex without any kissing or much cuddling at all, and after we decided to just be fwb we did things like kissing that didn’t gross me out. Also, the guy I dated for 4 years is the only romantic relationship I’ve ever had, so no other examples to provide. I expect some advice might be to try again and date more people to see if it’s a pattern, but I don’t really want to waste more years of my life in relationships that gross me out.

Some possibly helpful background: I was AFAB and I’m pretty sure I’m cis, but have questioned in the past. Purity culture and gender roles were very enforced growing up, but I’ve been working on breaking away from them for the past 5+ years. Until I started questioning being aro I identified as panromantic, but it did take me until I was 20 to even entertain the idea of being queer despite having had crushes on girls my whole life (probably because of religious trauma, you get it). I’ve ID’d as asexual since I was 21, and I believe at least part of that comes from sexual trauma. I don’t experience sexual attraction ever, but I am sex-favorable and I do desire sexual relationships. Sex for me is very much a fun/exciting performance, and I also get gratification from it the same way you might get gratification from giving someone you care about a back massage. I come from a verbally/emotionally abusive household with an enmeshed family that I am still in frequent and close contact with, by my choice. We don’t/have never shown any physical affection to each other past occasional, sometimes awkward hugs.

I know this might be a good thing to discuss with my psychiatrist and/or therapist but despite their full support, they aren’t as well-versed in aspec culture/issues/sublabels/etc and they don’t have aro experiences.

Does anyone relate to any part of this and/or have any insight they’d be willing to share? Thanks

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Dirty Little Secrets, Deception, and The Peace

DO NOT REBLOG THIS PLEASE

I’m not a person who calls other people out. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t like animosity. I don’t particularly even care for debate. I’ve spent the past 7 years not personally saying out loud or even typing in a public way the name of the person essentially driving the American news cycle because I believe words matter and they have power, and I don’t like giving shitheads more power by talking about them. I prefer promoting what I love (which would be the opposite of shitheads). I’ve tried with every word I’ve written and shared in a public way to do that…to promote what I love…to stay positive and optimistic and hopeful. But I also want to be honest. I’ve always been honest here. Not personally identifying, but still honest. And I want to be connected to other honest people.

Honesty is very important to me. In fact, of all the shit I hate in life, deception is probably the thing that triggers me the most. Anxiety. Depression. Self-judgment about not being a human lie detector that’s 100% accurate. ANGER. I’m actually not a person who is quick to anger. Which is a goddam miracle considering the place I came from and the family I grew up in. But boy does deception trip that wire. I cannot stand being lied to. Even white lies meant to placate me or protect my feelings rub me the wrong way and make me wary to trust people. So people who have intentionally deceived me or someone I care about (or all of us) with selfish and likely harmful motives just SUPER PISS ME OFF. I hate doing this. It makes me feel icky; like I’m upsetting The Peace. That’s not something I enjoy doing (I know some people do enjoy doing that…but that ain’t even close to me). I LIKE keeping The Peace. But sometimes that means covering up for shitty people, or it means acting like something shitty isn’t going down like the proverbial ostrich with its head in the sand. So I’m going to get really honest here about some things that have blown up recently here, and about times in my personal life where I’ve been duped with deception and how those people fooled me. This post is going to be long, so if you want to jump off here...

Before I met J, when I was a teenager and young adult (I met J when I was 25; he was 31…so yeah, a bit older than me, but not outrageously older than me), I dated several…SEVERAL…young men who wanted to keep our relationship a secret. I’m not talking the details of our private time together, or the intimate things we shared about ourselves. I mean, ‘Don’t tell anyone we’re dating/seeing each other/together.’ I knew all these guys in person, had information about their school performances, jobs, hobbies…sometimes for years ahead of my romantic association with them. All these guys shared mutual friends with me, so I afforded them a wide swath of benefit of the doubt even though the secrecy or just their desire for the secrecy made me feel like absolute shit. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a super private person. I ran a D/s blog and rarely ever talked about kink. I get embarrassed talking to J about sex still and we’re middle aged married parents. I understand wanting to protect privacy and not wanting The Riffraff to interfere in your relationship if you’re in a crowd, particularly an anonymous one online. Shit, I even published my fictional work for sale using a pen name. I get it. But it still felt off to me; the request for total secrecy. My shit was all way way way pre-social media. I wasn’t looking for Status Update: In a Relationship with Jennifer. I just wanted to like…tell my best friend A that I was going to a movie with X this weekend if he called me on the phone to ask what I was doing this weekend. It felt to me at the time like these guys were ashamed of me (and I’m sure there was at least some truth to that), but now in retrospect I’m seeing they were probably sizing me up for some kind of victimhood beyond just making me feel bad about myself and unworthy. If no one knows you’re together, no one will believe you when you say that person hurt you in a ‘partner’ sort of way. They can’t have cheated on you if no one knows you were together. She can’t have threatened to kill herself if you break up if no one knows you were together. He can’t have violated you physically or been stalking you after a breakup if no one knows you were together. The guys who did this to me never did any of that to me (at least they didn’t cheat that I know of), but it’s probably because they decided since I’m a quiet person who liked keeping The Peace, that maybe I’d actually be believed if I told someone they hurt me, even with their deception skills.

And then in 2016, I lost a lot of friends due to (simplifying shit big time here) ‘political differences,’ but all of this friend loss was basically driven by one dude. I’d known him since high school. One of my best friends was also one of his best friends. His older sister took Sociology with me in college. His younger brother was gay. He came from a nice family and we shared a lot of mutual friends and then he suffered a great tragedy in his life, which sparked a lot of sympathy and empathy from both myself and J. He was really sad (of course), and having a rough time coping, so we helped him do a lot. Invited him to family dinners, even extended family gatherings with us. We found him a job when he was unemployed. J fixed broken things on his car and at his home for him. We supported and encouraged him as he looked for a new relationship and remarried after the tragedy and divorce. He spent a lot of time with us…in our home…sharing meals. We trusted him with our son. He was a pretty charismatic, likable and reasonably popular guy when he wasn’t depressed (and not to toot our own horn here, but I’d like to believe J and I were a part of improving his life at the time for him to get back to ‘charismatic, likable, and popular’…) But when I (privately…because I’m not normally a public call out, confrontational person, because I like keeping The Peace) asked him about some disturbing shit he’d posted on social media (sexist, racist, homophobic…), he blocked me and stopped all contact with us in early 2016. And then he gave my email address and cell phone number to a bunch of solicitors and political campaigns, knowing it would trigger major anxiety for me to have to field a bunch of texts, emails, and phone calls from strangers trying to sell me things I didn’t want. J and I both knew this man personally for YEARS…we knew his family and friends (they were our friends too…we thought). But when we (again, privately) shared what had happened with us with mutual friends, they all sided with him. There’s a person who read at J’s and my wedding that we haven’t spoken to in 6 years because they chose this man over J and me. That still hurts. 

And now we’re at here on tumblr, over the past couple weeks. Reality is, I’m guilty of keeping the Peace here, and I regret that, which is why I’m writing this long ass post now. But I also want to be honest, particularly about me and my feelings and actions, for the few people who I care about their opinions of me, and I care about having clarity of where I stand and why I did or didn’t do things. To start out, I felt disappointed and a bit betrayed by one person. Again, like the other big instances in my life when someone hurt me with deception, I gave this person a lot of latitude to minor-league fuck up without any consequence because other people I like liked him. Other people I trust trusted him. He had a close friendship with at least one woman that didn’t involve sexual attraction in any way that he publicly lauded, and that’s a known weakness soft spot for me because of my own best friend of 30 years (aside: my own best friend of 30 years is a guy who’s always been honest with me; even about shit that covering it up would have protected my opinion of him…A ain’t perfect, and he’s fucked up big a couple times, but he’s always owned it, and he has always tried to atone for it the best way he could, which sometimes meant letting people think he was the villain…he IS the villain in some stories…but I still think he’s a good man because he doesn’t use deception to skew people’s view of his mistakes). I read his Asks, and I thought I saw Good Man Potential in a lot of the answers, and sometimes I clarified or even opposed what he said, and at least with me, he always showed grace when I did that. I feel shitty now that even though his following was a lot lot lot larger than mine, and is likely a significant reason mine was as large as it was, that I probably led at least one person to him that otherwise wouldn’t have been there, because I tagged onto his asks. And I feel shitty because the truth is, I hadn’t followed this guy myself for several years, even though I still occasionally reblogged an ask if one of my (trusted, women) friends showed it to me first. I stopped following him because his tone, in my perception, shifted. Harsher. More self-centered. More fear-mongering instead of comforting and helpful. I mean, there’s self confidence and tough love and realism, but there are lines when all of those things can shift from healthy to harmful, and for me, he got there a while ago. But I didn’t say anything. Because I know I have a short line. And I’m not always right. But I should have said something, at least privately to some people who are more comfortable being The Voice. My short line was right this time. Did this guy do anything illegal? No. Could he be taken to court for anything he did? Almost certainly not. But did he act like a shifty, cagey, selfish asshole? Yeah. He purposefully misled people about how many women he was involved with at a time, and how he was involved with women, and intentionally curated an image of a trusted elder figure in order to keep doing it. He betrayed the confidence of at least one person in a serious way; a way so serious I’d equate it with consent violation, and he was a person who consistently and boldly preached that ‘consent is sacrosanct.’ Apparently, he only really believed that when it came to actual physical sex, and who knows...maybe not then either.

I’m sorry to anyone who got hurt because before I knew better, I steered you into a bad place. I should have said something when I felt it. A long time ago.

And then the situation kept expanding to include more and more people who weren’t what they claimed to be. One of these people in particular I considered a good friend. Until she turned on me. For the same reasons so many other ‘friends’ have turned on me. I showed a lot of care and support and availability to her. I tried to express clearly in the moment what her friendship and helpful actions did for me, even when those actions were just routine, ‘ordinary’ things like watching the same TV show together, or serendipitous, like sparking a memory or a feeling from a random conversation that unlocked my long term writer’s block. But as soon as I expressed a boundary or a question...’Are you sure you want to say/do this?’ ‘I can’t do what you’re asking of me because of other responsibilities and priorities I have...’ ‘This is hurting me and I have to stop...’ I tried to engage her in anything positive we had been doing together for the past year. Let’s watch a show together...let’s read a story together...let’s talk about this Life Thing for a while. I asked her to check on her own well-being...are you eating enough? Have you slept? Maybe you should take a break from this and listen to some music and cuddle your pet… She ignored all of this. Which was concerning and it hurt a bit, but others who did the same were met with accusations of gaslighting and condescension so she was still affording me some sort of special status I never asked for and was in itself making me uncomfortable at that point. My final writing piece on my old tumblr blog that had a lot of followers (a lot to me at least; not even a tenth as many as these people who made me feel so low and shitty claimed to have) was devoted to supporting her and lauding her goodness and all the good she’d done for me over the previous year. She ASKED me, in a not-exactly-private way to write that piece for her as a show of support. And I did. And I felt rushed and pressured about it. But I still did it. And gave her editorial approval over it before I posted it. At the time, even though I was already extremely uncomfortable with the entire situation, I meant what I wrote in it. And then I left. Which I told her ahead of time I was going to do. I actually told her I’d just send her the piece and she could post it if she wanted to, but she told me I had to post it or it ‘wouldn’t have the impact I wanted.’ But I didn’t want any impact. I just wanted to go. I’d been thinking of leaving since summer of 2021 because things just felt ‘off’ all over. Most of the contacts I’d come to tumblr for in the first place were gone. This drama pushed me over the edge. I still posted it myself and waited for a reblog another blogger graciously gave me so I could delete asap anyway. I’m not sure she ever actually interacted with the piece she asked me to write and post for her after I’d done it. She never mentioned it again. Instead, she attacked previous allies and even people who were victimized by the situation she originally claimed to be supporting, like anything I said or did didn’t matter at all. Like anything else in my life didn’t matter at all. Like I didn’t matter at all. She asked me to create a new blog ‘just to follow mine and see all the people that love me because I know you run on that.’ I do ‘run on that,’ when ‘that’ is real love and friendship unfolding, not blind and ignorant sycophantic worship. I told her no. I wasn’t going to do that. I didn’t want to engage in any of it anymore; it was ugly and felt bad and was hurting me; I had other, more important concerns. MY SON was struggling at the same time. I didn’t have time to devote to doing what she wanted. I got met with instant and extreme cruelty and hostility. I even knew it was coming, because I’d seen her turn previously on others who questioned her or expressed boundaries, hours to days before. I felt I was next. I felt like she was asking me to choose between her friendship and my son’s mental health and my own mental health and my real life family responsibilities and other friendships by way of demanding unquestioning and instant compliance with every demand. I felt like she expected to be my top or perhaps only priority, and anything less than that was betrayal. She called me a martyr for talking about my feelings of anxiety and insecurity the situation and she herself was creating. She said I abandoned her by leaving tumblr because I experienced ‘a couple hours of anxiety.’ She basically called me a bad friend. She’d brought up previous trauma from my bad 2016 friendship experience, and somehow also childhood trauma from my mom’s treatment of me simultaneously. I’d started questioning (and honestly I still am questioning) if anything good I ever felt with her, if her friendship with me was ever real. I have kind of started to question the realness of every relationship I have or have ever had except for J and A and my son. It’s been really weird and hard and exhausting. I feel like I have whiplash. I had to write about it to feel better, but it’s why I’m here with like 10 people and I hope it never gets any bigger than this. I’m going to try and control it so it never gets any bigger.  

To close up here, my son is doing better. I feel free and generally happier and safer since I deleted my previous blog. I missed writing, so I made this intensely private space to do it again. I do not want the people who have previously hurt me to have any access to me at all. I feel better, but a lot of progress I’d made with trusting people and accepting positive attention from other people has been shattered to pieces. I do still believe in good D/s, and I still believe in good men. I still believe in mixed gender friendship and online friendship. I still believe in happily ever after love that lasts forever and that it’s everywhere and can start up a lot of different ways for ‘ordinary’, imperfect people. And I still believe that vulnerability in being known and sharing feelings and soul deep pieces of ourselves is hard but worth it. That all being said, we all have to be careful with ourselves, because people who show us what looks like friendship and love and care and help and protection can be deceiving. Even if you’ve known them what you think is well and what you think is for a long time and even if they’ve been sharing real life meals with you in your real life house. It’s even EASIER to deceive or fall for deception online, where our responses and images are curated and cultivated intentionally, and a level of anonymity can protect our creation. If you have/do trust someone who ends up hurting you, know that damn near all of us have experienced the same thing. It’s not on you for being a lover. It’s on them for being a deceptive piece of shit.

[blumenct]

socializing this year and getting into a group of people to hang with has been genuinely life-changing but also i've been in a constant stream of going into panic states over basically nothing.

i have a pretty strong anxiety complex over people not inviting me to things. having friends my whole life who just never talk to me first, which is a coincidence so extreme i can only comprehend that i'm the problem. it sets an incredibly low bar of expectations for how i'd like to be treated by others and yet it isn't happening so idfk.

anyway. i cannot expect to be invited into groups of friends who are friends with other friends and such. unreasonable. but i would like to be approached more. this isn't due to lack of trying, i reach out to others and try to suggest things. i'm direct and as positive as i can muster. but man. the way i'm accustomed to disappointment actually physically hurts.

bought lethal company to try and play with literally anyone but as i sit here realizing *no one* will reach out to me first to play it, it like, seriously sucks. and that is just kind of where i am at life and now that i'm older it is hard to not feel like that's how it's gonna be forever! despite my efforts. very tired and lonely about it.

i refuse to give up but it feels really, really like something is wrong with me and i'm repulsive. it's an unhealthy expectation to think i can insert myself into a friend group but once i've actually become friends with some people over the course of a year it's like...right, i'm just not THAT much of a friend. this is so whiny, god. that's the worst part of this, the whining. and it sucks that the whining comes from being in such a positive place and otherwise feeling connected to people.

i remember a period in my life where i had a small group online i would do stuff with and how it was ruined in part by me and in part by them not being great people. but fuck, i had it, just for that brief time.

being in a social dead zone for like 7 years makes you forgot how ADDICTING being social is. it ruins you. all you wanna do is talk to the people you like. the most energizing thing imaginable. this is such a deprived way to feel.

anyway. all i can do is talk to people. i remind myself i'm not gonna be more important to someone who has known others longer. wow that's a grossly bleak way to think of friendship! what is wrong with me. but you don't make friends being silent.

[pageofheartdj]

Aa if you dont want this ignore but this is like some insight from a gen z kid about that post you reblogged about limited freedom and stuff about our generation? Idk if you remember ejfbje

But like for me because of covid the last year of high school pretty much was online. We didn't do any graduation or prom and never got any send off into college/university. And because lockdown was taken more seriously where I live my college ended up being online for both years (I graduated a year early).

That means college was spent online in my room doing all my classes and lessons never really getting to know anyone and never meeting my teachers or classmates. To this day I've never met anyone I went to college with.

We also didnt do any graduation. Just got the stuff in the mail and told I'm done. Theres no sense of community, no clubs or outside of class activities. Theres no hanging out, no social interactions, the closest thing to talking to anyone is someone asking if there was homework, despite group effort to interact with each other through discord.

I now have my first job in my field, and it is online. I've never been to our office building, never met any of my coworkers. I'm working at home in my room and it's been practically the same since grade 12.

Obviously not everyone is experiencing that, but for perspective everyone that graduated in my year and in some other programs too experience very similar stuff. We never had any of that teen into adulthood development. Just thrown in without any chance to experiment or make friends or develop more social skills or life skills. Since the pandemic lots has closed down, malls are empty, and good luck finding anywhere to make friends that isnt online, or anywhere to hang out that isnt lonely loitering, expensive, or a bar (where, at least for me, it is hard to get there, hard to justify the prices, and overall unpleasant because people arent too interested in becoming friends).

Theres also barely any social community events unless you are religious or dont have a 9-5, which I do. The isolation is something a few friends I had since elementary school have talked about, and it's getting painfully obvious.

But yeah, theres all these things talking about freedom of school and college and all that, but what do you do when all that time is spent in your room because it is all online and everything is closed? My job is online and I can barely afford to rent a single room and I'm making decent enough money. It's hard to relate to older generations when they talk about being this age because theres basically nothing the same other than doing homework. Plus parents because of covid get far far more time and reasons to pressure you into staying and monitoring you.

Idk, that's just like some extra stuff to say, because how that some things have been online online is now an option in some colleges. And that means some patents can pressure their kids into doing that instead of getting to leave because how else will they get the money to survive and do school? It sucks having so little freedom, and it feels like theres nothing to do about it because there is no sense of community. Everyone is isolated and where I am at least, talking to someone you dont know is considered highly rude and possibly threatening, regardless of the context (unless it's to people at their jobs about things they do).

Idk, makes me wish I was born a decade or two earlier sometimes. Anyways sorry for the rant

Yeah I knew covid fucked up so many people. Social interactions are SO important for development and so many kids and teenagers were deprived of it. And internet is NOT a good substitute. It's just bonus.

It can't teach boundaries or stuff like that, in fact it messes with people's perceptions. They treat users as things and not living people. They constantly form parasocial relationships, because there is no one else to properly connect with and they don't know how to even make normal friends.

Not to mention the world in general became more paranoid.

Where I live it wasn't this bad for the longest time. A decade ago I could have easily just. Walk into my school for nostalgia trip and there was NO resistance whatsoever. I walked around hallways, chatted with teachers I used to learn from.

Also in the context of the families, it's pretty individual since many countries treat families as big communities where it's fairly normal for kids to keep living with parents.

I don't even know how to help this generation, they desperately need some actual human interaction. They need to make mistakes and learn from it and internet is the worst place for it because it remembers everything and so many people can see it and abuse it.

[wingzie]

Finding out my little sister was ARMY just after Festa 2022.

Recently I found out that my much younger half- sister was ARMY. She’s a pre-teen and I am in my 30’s, so I was really happy to find something else that we could connect with. However, I quickly found out that not everyone was glad about this.

I will be calling my half- sister “Vicky” to make this post easier. I first found out that Vicky was ARMY when she woke me up by playing ‘Fire’ loudly. I was very confused and thought it was coming from my phone, until I realized it was coming from somewhere else. Much to my surprise, Vicky was dancing to ‘Fire’ and doing so very impressively. Not only that, but she was also singing along. I sat and watched. The song ended and she started telling me about BTS and that she wanted to show me another dance. I didn’t say much and told her to go ahead. She picked ‘Dynamite’ next.

I’m not sure if I can fully describe the joy on Vicky’s face when I suddenly joined her in singing and dancing for the chorus. It's a memory I will forever cherish. We talked for a bit and this is where I found out about our different experiences.I asked her how she got into BTS. She said that her and her school friends were really into them and they found them from YouTube videos. My heart both swooped and shattered both at the same time. On the one hand I was SO glad that Vicky and her friends have something so positive, loving and healing in their lives. On the other hand, I was terrified because when she said “YouTube videos” my mind went to a certain kind.Thankfully Vicky doesn’t seem to have come across any toxic videos. She only knows BTS from the official content accessible from Youtube. This means that she has such a genuine insight into their talents and personalities, something that I am so glad for. Because I know that is not always the case.

My Father used to work for a children’s charity. He quit during lockdown, after there was a huge increase of children being bullied online. Even more so, with schools working online more and adding to the pressure. It affected him massively, because he was frustrated with some parents not understanding or caring enough about the harm it was causing.  Especially to their mental health. Because of this, Vicky has certain rules she has to follow when using the internet to make sure that she is protected and accessing nothing harmful.Therefore, Vicky has no idea about what the fandom can be like. She loves the members and loves their music, something which I think is lacking for some lately. Especially with so much misinformation being easily spread. With an increasing presence of social media, there is also a massive increase of misinformation and other factors. I have had countless TikToks sent to me that have fake information within them, with lots of comments believing them right away. I correct what’s wrong, but for some they do not care that it's fake. They don’t want to watch everything and instead consume little bites of content. Missing out on some of the most important pieces. By choosing to do this, they are missing out on so much and I am writing another piece based on the importance of content in understanding Jikook and their history.

This misinformation can also hit older fans or the unknowing either. Sadly in the UK, the media portrayed that BTS were completely disbanding after the 2022 Festa dinner video. This caused an argument when my Step-Mum heard us singing and got annoyed that I was being a bad influence. In the argument, she brought up the “hiatus.” She truly believed that BTS were no longer together and she was relieved. To her, my sister and I were just going through “a phase” of liking BTS. In her words, she said that the members never cared about each other and that we would find something else to obsess over.

My Step Mum doesn’t know about BTS or particularly care about them, she just knows them as “that group from South Korea.” For her to make these assumptions on something she didn’t know infuriated me. Not only that, but it greatly upset Vicky. This is something I have experienced ever since it ended up on the news with fake headlines. With colleagues at work saying a few insensitive or ignorant comments. It made me realize that no-one else really understands BTS or their words but us as ARMY. Or understand how close they are. I tried to explain everything to my Step Mum, but she did not listen. Instead, believing that the fate of BTS would be the same as One Direction. (Sigh…)

It made me sad that my Step-Mum had so much hostile judgement towards something that her own daughter cared deeply about. That she wasn’t even willing to give them a chance or understand more about them. It's things like this that makes me hope that one day everyone will try their hardest to understand BTS. Not even outsiders of the fandom, but those within ARMY too. Each word and lyric uttered by BTS is something magical and we shouldn’t take it for granted. Vicky and I both adore BTS. We may have found them in different ways and had different experiences as ARMY, but that love is something that will never go away.

[skaylanphear]

Hi there! Do you have any advice on improving traction towards a fanwork/fic? I love writing—and it's not for notoriety by any means—but having validation and feedback also feels nice (I hope that's not conceited). What would you recommend to someone without a large audience/follower base? I do "advertise" on tumblr when my work is written/updated on AO3. How did your journey start? Thank you!

This is an interesting question and I doubt most people are going to like the answers, but here we go:

So, first and foremost, you need to be realistic about why you're creating in the first place. If you're doing work in a fandom that is older, where content has stopped coming out, or that is simply smaller, you're not going to get much engagement, period. There will, of course, be activity in these fandoms, but it will be far less and the people involved—while they may view your work—will be less likely to comment/spread it around simply because there's not much going on. So if you're creating in that sort of environment (which can be a really good environment if you're looking for something chill with no pressure), then you have to be prepared for low engagement, even if the people you do meet and who are willing to talk about your work are more regularly in your sphere. You can probably make better/closer friends in these sorts of fandoms, if you're willing to try.

But, on the other end of this, if you're coming into a huge fandom late, it's also going to be harder to wade through the massive following to get your stuff out there. For example, in both the Miraculous and Sk8 fandom, I started work pretty early on, when the shows were still gaining traction, and so my "name" as a creator gained traction parallel to that growth, as opposed to when I started writing in the Voltron fandom. With Voltron, I came in super late and so what few fics I had that did gain traction took a lot longer to get there because people already had their fav content creators in the fandom, etc. It's not impossible to get popular in this situation—far from it—but it does take longer.

You'll also benefit from having finished works early on in a fandom's lifespan, at least with writing. This is because there's less competition for views and so more people will be filtered to your work, initially. This means that you have a better chance of getting those comments and kudos. Having a finished work increases this engagement because people look for finished works before works in progress. Generally, the length of a fic doesn't matter much for popularity, so long as it's DONE. When I was writing in the ML fandom, quite a few of my earlier fics were shorter, and they compete in popularity with my longer fics, because people care more about having a finished story, not a long story. That's why when it came to Only Practice Makes Perfect in the Sk8 fandom, I worked hard to get that shit done, because it was the most popular story I had in the fandom and I decided—like an idiot—to make it a long fic. Which, yeah, means people probably love it/remember it more in the long run, but if I hadn't finished it in 2 to 3 months, I'd have lost considerable traction as far as making a name within the fandom.

This leads into one of the most important points, if not THE MOST IMPORTANT point in gaining an audience—consistency. If you do want to be a successful creator, you Have To Be Consistent. This is the most difficult hurdle for all creators, and it is oftentimes impossible to make happen. If you want to aim for professionalism, which a lot of fandom creators don't care about (which is fine), then consistency is how you get there. Nobody wants to read a fic or follow an artist who doesn't stick to creating what they start (RIP all my unfinished works and the people who left me as a result, LOL). Using my most recent works as an example, I very, very, very consistently updated Only Practice Makes Perfect multiple times a week. To the point where people got comfortable expecting it, which is the key variable here. When people become comfortable that you will regularly create content, they not only stick around, but will be more interactive with you and your work. Nobody likes the disappointment of getting involved with a work only for that work to rarely get updates. Most people don't have the attention span to care. I'll admit, if I read a fic that's not finished and the writer takes one week to update, then one week, then THREE weeks, I probably will, like, forget about it. That's just life.

The best thing you can do is schedule. And again, this is the HARDEST thing to do, because it holds the creator to a deadline. Most people who create in fandoms don't want that kind of pressure—and that's fine. I go back and forth on when I have scheduled releases and when I don't, depending on what I'm aiming to do. But if you to retain your audience, telling them that you will update a work regularly on such and such a day and such and such a time, it creates something for them to remember. If they're invested in your work, they will think, "oh, it's Friday, that means such and such is coming out with something new." But, with that in mind, you also have to commit to a schedule that people will remain invested in. Which basically means you can't put things out more than a week away from each other, unless you're really, really famous, lol. If I told people I was going to go on a two week update schedule, I would lose most of my audience. But a week is long enough for people to both still remember and anticipate. That's just how the scheduling of the world works. And if you're an artist that's working on a big project, then you have to share progress, or pieces of what you're doing on a regular basis. That's what generates "buzz" and keeps you relevant. And, yeah, that's a really hard schedule to commit to, because it's a lot of work. BUT this consistency is where you see people being successful. Popular youtubers may not have gained their popularity by being consistent, but most sure do retain it that way. And again, there are outlying exceptions, but they generally ARE exceptions.

Speaking of hard work, here's probably the second hardest thing to accomplish—you have to be prolific. Especially as a writer. You have to write A LOT if you want to gain an audience. And yeah, that means you have to work, a lot. I love my work, so I enjoy that "grind," and I also have developed a lot of strategies to work around writer's block and every other obstacle that tends to catch people up. I work in a very professional manner—I do outlines, and drafts, and plan. I do a lot of stuff that people who do this kind of thing for fun can't be bothered with (and that's fine), but that's because I find it to be what works best in creating an efficient environment. I'm also very, very NOT lazy, lol. I was raised in an environment where you have to work for everything that you want. My parents didn't buy me my first computer, or snowboard, or what have you. We were tight on money and if I wanted something, they couldn't help me—I had to get that shit on my own. And I also grew up on a farm, where hard work was a staple of how you did things. You did things the right way, even if it was the hard way. You can't cut corners and it's the same with this. If you want it, you have to actually do the work, that's it. Some people get lucky with popularity, most don't. Most famous actors didn't become well-known off their first efforts, they had to keep trying and keep working and then they have to continue to do that to stay relevant. So if that doesn't sound great to you, then you might want to not focus on your audience and just create because you enjoy it, lol. Sometimes that's what I do too, when I don't wanna deal with the pressure.

Moving on, here's another point that nobody is going to like. Simply put, you also have to be good at what you do. I think some people don't realize that I've been writing fic for over fifteen years. I currently have nearly 2 millions words worth of fics on AO3 and that doesn't include a majority of the stuff I've ever written. I practice A LOT. I write every day. And I'll tell ya, when I started out in middle school, my stuff was not good. But I worked hard, I ignored the hate, and I kept going. That is the only way you will ever get better at anything. There's no quick way to become a better writer, or artist. And a vast majority of people are only going to pay attention to your stuff if it's quality work. Getting to that point is a process, on top of then creating stuff that fits into popular molds. Not only am I good at what I do (and I don't care how arrogant that sounds—I've worked my ass off), but when it comes to fandoms, I rarely write "rare pairs" and "crack ships." Generally, if it's popular, that's where I am. That makes a big difference and I honestly don't have sympathy for people who write rare pairs and such and then complain about lack of engagement. You knew what you were getting into (it's mostly the Miraculous fandom that gave me this bitterness). If you're not writing what people WANT to read, then your audience is simply going to be smaller. And that audience doesn't owe you their attention, no matter how frustrating it is or how good your work is. I could be the best writer in the world, but if I'm writing RekixCherry fic, I have nobody to blame but myself when nobody reads it. BUT if that's your passion, and writing a certain unpopular thing makes you happy, then, again, you need to not be concerned with traction and your audience.

The last point I'll make is that it matters HOW you present yourself online. A good chunk of the well-known creators in any fandom are, simply put, older people. And those that aren't, and are able to connect with those older creators, have generally created a bubble around themselves of maturity and, like, of being nice, lol. A lot of creators are skittish these days, and if you're an asshole (anti) or fight a lot over stupid shit, you may get a bigger audience, but you will isolate yourself from other creators. And this is important because oftentimes it is your exposure to other creators that will get your work circulating. The reason I got popular in the ML fandom? I wrote a short angst fic and a really popular artist shared it/talked about it and the rest was history. But if I'd had a habit of being an asshole, probably wouldn't have happened. And, granted, I'm not saying don't voice your opinions, but if you're loud all the time, it does turn people off. Especially creators because they are oftentimes the ones being attacked. They don't want to pull more of that negative bullshit into their lives. I'll admit, when I was in the ML fandom, I was down for a fight, but then that's what people came to expect, and it probably did turn others off, and then when I didn't fight, or didn't think the way my audience thought I should, it, again, turned people off. It's really not worth it unless being that type of person IS your platform.

So, that's all the advice I can give, I suppose. And even if you do all this stuff, that still doesn't mean you're going to be popular. At the end of the day, the thing that I stick to is this—I do what I want, I love what I do, and I work hard. If I'm in a position to worry about all that other stuff, then sure, I do, but otherwise… There's no easy way to become popular and, quite frankly, it's better to just "live" working hard and being a decent person than it is to focus on all this bullshit. I've created a working environment where I function within these "points" quite naturally, so it's not something I think about (except for schedules, lol). Sometimes I get popular in fandoms, sometimes I don't. At the end of the day, it comes down to how much work you're willing to do, because you will always be giving more than you are getting back, so you have to at least enjoy what you're doing.

Seriously, just do it because you love it. And if the pressure of everything above is something you don't love (I like a good, high pressure situation, lol), then don't do it that way—it's not worth the grief.

[incorrectzutaraquotes]

let’s talk racial micro aggressions, because i’ve been seeing a lot of them being used online toward people speaking out about racism and even in fandoms unfortunately, so i think it’s time we have a talk. this is gonna be a semi long one, so buckle up.

just for reference, im asian american. because of that i’ve gone my entire life experiencing racism and discrimination simple because im not white. of course, i have definitely had it better than a lot of people, but that doesn’t take away from my experiences at all. i grew up hating the way i looked, trying to fix myself because i genuinely thought something was wrong with me. this led to years and years of insecurity and self hatred. something i had to go through alone, because my family was white and i was too afraid to tell them how i felt. i was afraid they wouldn’t understand. it’s still something i struggle with, though it’s gotten better.

growing up, as stated before, i was around white people. growing up in a very white town, i unfortunately wasn’t formally educated on racism or what micro aggressions were, i just knew that certain comments made me uneasy and uncomfortable, and hurt my feelings. it wasn’t until i was older, when i started using social media that i really came to understand what all of this was. 

a lot of you who have white privilege are using it to uplift bipoc voices, and i think that’s great. however it’s also important to acknowledge that many people who are actively anti racist still have implicit biases, which can lead to microaggressions.

first of all, what are microaggressions? you may or may not be familiar with the term. if you’re not, that’s okay! you can use this post to educate yourself and make sure you don’t make these mistakes in the future. microaggressions are defined as brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioural, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative prejudicial slights and insults toward any group, particularly culturally marginalized groups.

basically, intentional or unintentional derogatory and prejudice behaviors directed towards marginalized groups.

these are very harmful to marginalized groups, mostly because they’re not as blatant as outright racism, misogyny, homophobia, etc. this makes it often hard to detect, and you may have found yourself using micro aggressions at some point in your life. that’s not important though, what’s important is that, if you have used them in the past, you understand what you said or did was wrong, and that you learn from it.

now, what are specific racial micro aggressions? i’ve compiled a list of them under the cut, and explained why these are insulting and harmful to poc.

“where are you really from” – this insinuates that we will always be seen as foreigners, and not citizens to our own country. it brings on a feeling of not being good enough and that we will not be accepted. 

“not everything’s about race” – if you’re white stop telling bipoc how to feel about race. we are tired of it. please don’t speak over us when we are expressing our discomfort. if poc people are telling you something is racist, it’s racist. stop trying to argue with us, as you are not the ones being affected by it. 

“your food is so weird” – it’s only weird to you because it hasn’t been westernized or americanized. insisting that foreign foods are weird or gross because you aren’t used to it, is hurtful. it’s insulting. 

“all asians look the same” – by saying this, you’re taking away our individuality. asia is a huge continent, not all of us follow the same traditions and not all of us look the same. it’s not a funny joke, and it never has been. 

“you’re pretty for a *insert any race here*” – this is just such a backhanded compliment. it implies that we are not typically or conventionally pretty. it has the same negative connotations as saying “you’re really good...for a girl”. that’s misogynistic for the same reasons saying this is racist. 

“i don’t see color” – again, you’re basically erasing our individuality and culture and telling us we shouldn’t embrace it. many pocs even completely distance themselves from their cultures to seek white validation, which is in every sense of the word, upsetting. people want to fit in so bad that they’re willing to leave behind their entire culture. something that sucks about being adopted at such a young age from a white family, is that i have never had a connection with my culture. i know nothing about it, and that hurts. i rationalized in my head that the reason i didn’t learn about it sooner was because i was happy, but that was a lie i told myself for years. the sad thing is, is that because i wasn’t connected to my culture at all, i fit in better and had an easier time making friends then other pocs in my school. 

assuming all asian people are smart or good at math – stop. it’s not funny. never has been. the stereotype that all asians are smart is not a compliment, and puts a lot of pressure on us as individuals. it objectifies us, assuming we are more like machines and not actual people. long story short, it’s dehumanizing. 

“im not/cant be racist i have black friends” – contrary to popular belief, yes you can be. you can still have a racial bias while being friends with bipoc people. being associated with poc people doesn’t suddenly mean you’re not racist. you may even make racist jokes and think it’s okay because they don’t tell you to stop. just because they are seemingly unbothered does not mean it’s not still racist. a lot of times we are uncomfortable in situations like that, but are too afraid to speak up in fear of our feelings being invalidated or being told to lighten up because it’s just a joke. saying we’re too sensitive when it comes to making mockeries of our races and cultures, is also a micro aggression. 

saying “you people” or “y’all” when talking, usually negatively, about a person of a specific race – you’re generalizing an entire group because of one bad experience which is just contributing to the stereotypes and racism we face daily. one or a few bad interactions with a person of a different race does not speak for an entire population.

clutching your bag tight when a poc person, usually black or latinx, stands next to you or following them in the store – the way i still have to explain this one in 2020. they are not criminals, but by doing this, you’re contributing to the stereotype that they are all criminals and thugs, which simply isn’t true. this stereotype is very damaging and harmful, as it also contributes to the systematic oppression of those people. 

assuming someone only got a certain job or position because they’re bipoc – this insinuates that we did not work hard to get where we are, and that we did not deserve what we got. we simply got it because we aren’t white. affirmative action comes up a lot in this conversation. all affirmative action does is help decide between equally qualified people by favoring the ones who suffer from discrimination in society, but it does not reserve spots for them.

assuming someone knows how to speak mandarin because they’re asian – asia is a large continent with A LOT of languages and cultures. not everyone is chinese. not everyone speaks the same language. it’s insulting and adds to the already hurtful stereotype that all asians look the same.

“you speak english really well” or “how did you learn to speak english so well” – it’s called practicing because people have been making fun of those with accents for years, simply because they are not used to it. being surprised when a poc speaks english well implies that you may think because they’re not white, they are less educated. we’ve simply assimilated because our cultures are constantly rejected and mocked by white people and even other pocs. this also contributes to the notion that westerners are more “civilized” or that they are better, because they(generally speaking this obviously doesn’t apply to everyone)make no effort to learn our cultures, but we have to learn theirs in order to be seen as “acceptable”.

“but *insert race* are racist too” or pointing out immoral things other countries do when people of that race speak up about racism - you’re redirecting the conversation to avoid responsibility. you don’t actually care about those issues, you just want to invalidate our struggles by pointing out that a place many of us have not been to in a long time, or ever, is very flawed. we have no say in what that government chooses to do. not all places are a democracy, and many democracies around the world are flawed.

something important to remember is that anyone can be guilty of implicit bias and micro aggressions. this is not selective to one race. 

if you have anymore of these, please feel free to add on. also, if you’re a poc and something i wrote made you uncomfortable, please tell me. i want to make sure im being truthful with what i said. i did do research for some of these, and some were based on personal experiences, but if you want to add to something or you want me to change or delete something do not hesitate to call me out. 

unfortunately they and other racial stereotypes are very prevalent in american media, which has normalized it in our society. this post is solely meant to educate if you weren’t previously aware of the dangers micro aggressions have on minorities. i started the list because i was tired of seeing so much normalized racism online, but i hope you learned something useful with this. if you stuck around this long, thank you for listening. i appreciate it a lot. 

as for my zutara fans, i apologize for making so many rant posts rather than posting incorrect quotes. i just feel like im able to reach a larger audience with the platform i have on this account than any other one. 

anyway, that’s all. thank you again for listening :) 

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa has 8 stories at Gossamer, but there are even more X-Files fics at AO3 and her website. She writes Mulder and Scully in a very lovely way. I've recced 3 of my favorites of her fics here before: Bird in Snow, Fall: East on M St, and Skuamorph. Big thanks to Tabula Rasa for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

I'm always extremely pleasantly surprised to get kudos (or, very rarely, a comment) on my old fic, but I'm always happy to see it! I did post them all (I think) to AO3. I'm not surprised people are still reading fic, though. It's an iconic show and now with streaming, it's really easy to watch older shows and natural to want fic about them!

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

XF was my first fandom, definitely my first online fandom, and so it will always have a special place in my heart. Also... I had a great time! I stumbled upon and joined the Scullyfic email list by accident, but it was the best thing I could have done. I learned a lot about how to be a writer and how to be in fandom, and those lessons are still important to me. Foundational. Also, in terms of modern fandom drama, XF was more low-key on the drama (although it didn't seem like it at the time!). But I learned something that's always served me well: find like-minded people, and hang out with them. Don't worry about the rest.

Also... you can't control the show, but you kind of can control the canon.

Because of Scully, I ended up taking a forensic anthropology class in university-- and now I have a Master's in a forensic science! Part of the Scully Effect, and proud of it!

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Definitely mostly email list! I never really got the hang of message boards. Posting fic was exhausting, and tbh I never figured out how to work Ephemeral. I checked it every day, though! I loved, after a new episode, everyone sending in their thoughts and reading everyone's experiences together. Fandom was a lot more work back then, tbh!

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

That fic can be just as good, or better, than traditionally published works. There are works of XF fic that have stuck with me for years now, far more than some books I've read. That fan writers can know the characters better than the show writers. The fandom in general was really smart, and mostly more adult than me (I joined fandom when I went away to college, so I always felt at the younger end of the scale. That was good though!).

Also, my first time reading and writing porn. Not gonna lie, I was shocked the first time I accidentally read smut. But I adjusted fast. lol

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I was still a kid (now we would say preteen) when the show premiered- I think in middle school. But I was already into ghosts, aliens, monsters, solving mysteries, and I'd already imprinted on the dynamic thanks to Square One (really)! I was also just old enough to start developing celebrity crushes. Hilariously, I did not twig to the fact that I'm bisexual the entire time I was in XF fandom, despite having enormous crushes on BOTH Mulder and Scully. Ahhhh!

Also, my whole family was into the show, but I was definitely the one with the hyperfixation. I used to take notes and record the episodes as I watched. It just had the right stuff and hit at the right time. And I've always been obsessive.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

As a kid I also really liked Star Trek, and someone had given my dad a book about the history of Star Trek, which I read. This included mentions of fandom and fanfic. As soon as I had a private-- and perhaps more importantly fast-- internet connection (in college), I went looking for XF fanfic, and that was that. Hooked immediately. Also I shipped them A LOT so that's what I went looking for.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I tend to not go back to a fandom once I have a new fandom, so I wouldn't say I'm in it. I did hang around the edges for the revival, of course, because I wanted to experience that with the same people, but since the revival was mostly not that great (with a few exceptions), I didn't get pulled back into it. But I still think of the people I knew in the fandom a lot, and always hope they're doing well.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I've never left fandom, and I've been in a BUNCH: Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Bandom, Supernatural, now CQL/The Untamed and other Chinese-media fandoms, with many smaller ones in between or on the side. I feel like at their core fandoms tend to be similar, although where you host the fandom makes a big difference: Livejournal, tumblr, twitter. I think that because fandoms now tend to be bigger and more diverse (which is good) there tends to be more wank (which is bad). In some of them I was close to a group of people, some of them not. Honestly the best thing is when someone you know from an old fandom is in your new fandom. It's so much fun. I have really good friends thanks to fandom, and I've had them for YEARS. Like. 15 years.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I tend to focus more on ships than characters, but some of my all-time favs: Scully, Hermione, Sirius Black, Castiel, Lan Wangji, Xie Lian. That's just fandom-oriented ones, otherwise we'd be here all day. :D

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I don't often rewatch episodes any more, although if I come across an ep on tv I might. I definitely still think about them though! For example, I'm a teacher now, and just a couple weeks ago one of my colleagues mentioned he'd heard the students saying they shipped two of their classmates, and he was like "Ship? I don't get it" and I was like "HOO BOY, do I have a story for you!" And I explained how shipping came from XF fandom, and why. That was fun. I definitely still think about Mulder and Scully too-- I mean, they're cultural touchstones, so they do come up sometimes in greater pop culture. Also, I was in Hannibal fandom for a while, and Gillian Anderson is still The Best.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I haven't read XF fic in years, even the ones I remember as being really significant/important to me. I still have my all-time favs saved on an external HD though! Fic in another fandom- every day lol.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Blinded by White Light by DashaK has stuck with me. Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the Ruby-Throated Warbler by I forget I'm so sorry -- that's lasted as my ideal post-canon MSR and as an interesting and different way to tell a story.  [Lilydale note: It’s by rah.] I was always thrilled to see fic by Brandon, JET, MaybeAmanda, Syntax6... and, frankly, everyone on the Scullyfic/ Emuse list. So many talented people in that fandom!

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Things Outside, which is the only thing I've ever written based on a dream, and I'm really satisfied with it. It was hard to write but so much fun to revel in the weirdness. I always kind of wanted to write more because I know a lot more about the situation, but otoh, I like the open, ambiguous ending (usually I am very HEA).

In other fandoms, King & Country in bandom (MCR) and in Supernatural I'm very proud of Hope and Clay. I struggle to write casefics even though I love to read them, but that one really worked out.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I don't think I'll ever write something new. There is an old fic that may be done but it was smut so I was too shy to post it at the time. In theory if I find it and it's decent, I could post it!

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I do! I write fic very slowly, but I do write still! I have a million ideas for stories, but I'm so slow at the actual writing part.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

I usually take a jumping-off point from canon, or of course, something I need to fix or expand on. Or sometimes I start telling myself a story as I fall asleep and the idea grabs me long enough I can manage to write it.

What's the story behind your pen name?

I was getting into fandom and realized people didn't use their real names. I flipped through my history book looking for inspiration, and decided tabula rasa was a great name for a writer. I tend to add an X because it's rare to get "tabularasa" as a username, and the X is indeed for X-Files (so I'm something like tabulaxrasa most places). I usually go by Tabula Rasa or Tab, though. And I still use it because 1) it IS a great name for a writer; and 2) it's not fandom-specific so I can keep it in every fandom.

I identify with it so much I have answered to this name in class (oops). I have a "Tab" t-shirt (as in the soda, but I have worn it to Comic-Con for ease of ID-- better than a nametag!). And my mom got me a necklace with a "tab" typewriter key as a charm, which I adore. Yes, I have accidental merch of myself.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

As you can tell from the above, my family knows (my family being my parents and sister). They are supportive! I think my mom read a couple stories? But obviously she has to know the fandom to get it... I got my sister into fic, and we even wrote a couple fics together (in Gundam Wing). She's a lot more selective about fandoms, but she's joined fandoms on her own, too. She's just not in one constantly, like me. :p

I tend not to tell not-online friends unless I have felt them out and know they're super fannish, or they bring it up first.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Most of my old fic is now on AO3 and I hang out on twitter a lot, @tabula_x_rasa

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

I'm really glad people are still in this fandom! It will always be so important to me. Thank you Lilydale, for this nostalgia trip!

(Posted by Lilydale on March 30, 2021)

[snowonthebeachmp3]

July 2016

Jul 3rd - Taylor's 4th of July festivities kick off at her Rhode Island house. Guests include Tom Hiddleston, Abigail Anderson, Matt Lucier, Claire Winter, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Karlie Kloss, Josh Kushner, Austin Swift, Ruby Rose, Harley Gusman, Halston Sage, Gigi Hadid, Cara Delevingne, Britany Maack, Ben LaManna, Martha Hunt, Jason McDonald, Uzo Aduba, Chioma Aduba, Jordan Masterson, Kesha, St Vincent, Ed Sheeran, Cherry Seaborn, Rachel Platten, Kennedy Rayé and the Haim sisters. (x) (x) (x) (x)

This is the day Tom wears the infamous 'I <3 TS' tank top while they're all at the beach. (x)

Jul 4th - The online mockery for the 'I <3 TS' shirt is quick to pour in. Daily Mail commenters are yet to shut up about it in 2021.

The party continues with a giant inflatable waterslide, body painting, karaoke, charades and fireworks. (x) And also Kesha and Haim getting tricked by Cara, Uzo and Ruby into thinking they heard scary noises in the night, and trying to call the police but not knowing their own location. (x) (x)

Jul 5th - The day after the party, when all the guests post their photos online.

Britany posts a photo of her & Ben, Blake & Ryan, and Taylor & Tom. (x) The internet has a field day with Ryan's unimpressed facial expression. (x) (Ryan later says that it's just his resting bitch face as he wasn't aware a photo was being taken. (x))

Taylor posts several photos to Instagram of her celebrating the 4th July with friends, but doesn't post any pictures with Tom. (x)

Claire Winter posts a bunch of Polaroids, including one of Taylor and Tom kissing. (x)

Abigail posts a photo to Instagram showing the banners Taylor put up to celebrate her engagement to Matt and the anniversaries of Cara & St Vincent (real name Annie Clark) and Ed & Cherry. (x)

Jul 6th - Taylor and Tom fly out of Rhode Island (x) and arrive at LAX that evening. (x) They then get on a plane to Australia.

Joe attends the Warner Music Group summer party in London. (x)

Rumours are swirling that Tom is no longer in consideration to be the next Bond, due to his relationship with Taylor. (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

Jul 8th - Taylor and Tom are flying on a commercial Quantas flight so someone is able to take a pic of them on the plane. (x)

According to another passenger on the plane, Taylor plays Scrabble during the flight (presumably on her phone because nobody takes big physical board games on commercial flights and the creepshot of Hiddleswift on the plane suggests she wouldn't have had anywhere to put the board anyway). In hindsight, knowing how Taylor and Joe play lots of Scrabble together including online Scrabble aka Words With Friends, and how they stayed in touch largely via texting that summer, it’s very possible she was playing against Joe.

Taylor and Tom arrive in Sydney, where Tom is about to start filming for Thor: Ragnarok. (x) Aussie media, including daytime TV, goes nuts over Hiddleswift's arrival in the country. (x)

Flying from LA to Australia involves crossing the international dateline, so they would have left the US on the 6th July local time and arrived in Sydney approx 15 hours later on the 8th July local time.

Calvin's new song Olé, written for John Newman, is released. There is speculation that it's a Hiddleswift song, written from Tom's perspective and containing lyrics implying that Taylor cheated on Calvin with Tom. However, sources also told multiple outlets that the song was written and recorded months earlier, and its supposed links to Hiddleswift were just for publicity. (x) (x)

Jul 9th - Tom goes out for a run (x) and avoids answering questions about Taylor. (x)

Jul 10th - Taylor and Tom go out for dinner to Gemelli Italian restaurant in Broadbeach on Australia's Gold Coast. (x)

Jul 11th - Taylor is named as the highest earning celebrity on the 2016 Forbes Celebrity 100 list, with earnings of $170m mostly due to the 1989 World Tour. If she and Calvin had not split up, they would have been the top-earning celebrity couple. (x)

Jul 12th - Taylor visits Lady Cilento Children’s Hospital in South Brisbane. (x)

Jul 13th - Us Weekly makes a wild claim that Tom is planning to propose soon, and Taylor is going to say yes. The magazine cover also claims they're already talking about babies. (x)

TMZ claims that Taylor wrote TIWYCF, and that Calvin disrespecting Taylor following its release was the reason for their breakup. (x)

Taylor Swift really is the creative brains behind Calvin Harris' monster hit "This is What You Came For," and their relationship fell apart because he disrespected her when the song was released ... this according to sources connected with Taylor.

It's a fascinating story. We've learned an early fan rumor about the song is true, but to a deeper extent than anyone suspected. During their relationship, Taylor wrote the song, sat down at a piano and did a demo into her iPhone. She sent it to Calvin, who loved it. They both went into a studio and did a full demo with Taylor on vocals and Calvin doing the beat.

They both knew the song would be a hit, but Taylor wrote it for Calvin and both agreed it was a bad idea to let the world know they collaborated as a couple ... it would overshadow the song.

So Taylor, who kept the publishing rights, used the pseudonym Nils Sjoberg on the credits.

//

The problem in the relationship came the day the song was released. Calvin appeared on Ryan Seacrest's radio show and Ryan asked, "Will you do a collaboration with your girlfriend?" Calvin responded, "You know we haven't even spoken about it. I can't see it happening though."

We're told Taylor was hurt and felt Calvin took it too far.

It was a quick downward spiral from that point. One source called it "the breaking point in the relationship." The Met Gala was several days later, when Taylor danced with Tom Hiddleston.

Tree confirms to People magazine that Taylor did write TIWYCF under the pseudonym Nils Sjöberg. (x)

Calvin also confirms that Taylor wrote TIWYCF and goes on a Twitter rant:

Katy Perry tweets a gif of Hillary Clinton with a smug/'told you so' expression. (x) She also retweets an older tweet from May 2015 which reads, 'Time, the ultimate truth teller.' (x)

#TaylorSwiftIsOverParty trends on Twitter (x) (x) and Taylor's Instagram comments are spammed with the snake emoji. (x)

Following Calvin's tweets, TMZ publishes another article claiming he is downplaying Taylor's involvement in the song as she wrote the melody in addition to the lyrics. (x)

Jul 14th - Taylor goes out shopping in Gold Coast. (x)

Tom mentions Taylor in an interview with the Hollywood Reporter: (x)

You're in the middle of a cultural frenzy right now because you're dating Taylor Swift. How would you respond to people who claim that you're involved in some sort of publicity stunt?

(Laughs.) Well, um. How best to put this? That notion is — look, the truth is that Taylor Swift and I are together, and we're very happy. Thanks for asking. That's the truth. It's not a publicity stunt.

Martha says at a Pepsi/World Emoji Day event that Taylor and Tom are 'both happy and free together. It's amazing, I'm all about people being happy in love.' (x)

Kim talks about Taylor and the Famous controversy in a clip from an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. (x)

“I never talk shit about anyone publicly, especially in interviews. But I was just like I had so had it,” Kim says in the clip to her sister Kourtney. “I wanted to defend him in it. She legitimately quote says, ‘As soon as I get on that Grammy red carpet I’m gonna tell all the press. Like I was in on it.’”

“And then she just didn’t like the reaction?” Kourtney says in response.

“Yeah, and you know just another way to play the victim,” Kim replies. She then brings the infamous VMAs moment from 2009 by saying, “It definitely got her a lot of attention the first time… I just don’t think he should be punished for it still to this day.”

Jul 17th - Kim posts an edited recording of Kanye and Taylor's phone call. In it, they discuss the 'I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex' line and Taylor says, 'Go with whatever line you think is better. It’s obviously very tongue in cheek either way. And I really appreciate you telling me about it. That’s really nice.' However, nowhere in the Snapchat video does Kanye consult her about the line, 'I made that bitch famous,' which is the line Taylor insisted she had never approved. (x) The other Kardashian sisters retweet and support Kim. (x)

(The full recording of the call, leaked in 2020, confirms that Kanye never told Taylor he was going to call her a bitch. It also shows her reminding him that she sold 7 million albums before he had even heard of her, in response to him suggesting the lyric, 'I made her famous.')

Kim takes to Twitter to call Taylor a snake.

Taylor posts a statement on Instagram responding to Kim's Snapchat video. (x)

Selena tweets, 'There are more important things to talk about… Why can’t people use their voice for something that fucking matters? This industry is so disappointing yet the most influential smh' (x)

Katy Perry tweets, '#RISE above it all' and links to her new single. People interpret it as a dig at Taylor. (x)

Martha Hunt tweets, 'It's pathetic how quick our culture is to sensationalize a fabricated story...' (x)

Jul 18th - #KimExposedTaylorParty spends the day trending at number one worldwide on Twitter. (x) To the point where 0.8% of all tweets posted in the entire week from the 18th-24th use the hashtag. (x) (Assuming that 1/7th of the week's total tweets were posted on each day, that means more than 1 in every 20 tweets on the 18th used the hashtag.) #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty also returns.

TMZ claims to have a copy of a letter from Taylor's lawyer, dating back to February, demanding that Kanye destroy the recording of their phone conversation and reminding him that it is a felony to secretly record a phone conversation in California. (x)

Taylor changes the name on her writing credits for TIWYCF on the BMI songwriters database. She is now listed as Taylor Swift instead of Nils Sjöberg. (x)

Camilla Belle, the subject of Taylor's 2010 song Better Than Revenge, posts a quote to Instagram which reads, 'No need for revenge. Just sit back & wait. Those who hurt you will eventually screw up themselves & if you’re lucky, God will let you watch.' (x)

Abigail tweets against Kim and Kanye, saying, 'May God forgive you & your wife for doing to others the very things you pray are NEVER done to your daughter.' She deletes the tweets after receiving death threats but leaves a tweet which reads, 'Guys…I will always stand by my best friend. There's no point in fighting over that.' (x)

Joseph Kahn (director of many of Taylor's music videos) defends Taylor on Twitter. (x)

The aunt of Dinah Jane from Fifth Harmony tweets, 'I always knew @/taylorswift13 was a SNAKE! Trying 2 break up my girls & use @/camilacabello97 as her protégé bitch bye you’ve been exposed!’ (x) The tweet is soon deleted and she claims her account was hacked. (x) (Camila quit the band at the end of 2016 and has since said that Taylor had nothing to do with her decision to leave.) (x)

Paula Erickson, Taylor’s former publicist from 2007 until 2014, likes a two-and-a-half-week-old tweet dragging Hiddleswift for being a badly executed bit of PR by Taylor and Tree. (x)

James Corden spoofs the recorded phone call on the Late Late Show. (x)

Calvin is rumoured to be dating Tinashe. (x)

Jul 20th - Todrick Hall defends Taylor, saying, 'She's one of the most genuine people I've ever met in my entire life.' (x)

Uzo Aduba says Taylor is 'a beautiful person and strong' and that she will overcome the Kimye drama. (x)

Paula likes another tweet shading Taylor and Tree. (x)

A graffiti artist creates a mural in Melbourne 'in loving memory of Taylor Swift' (misspelled as Smith). According to the artist, they are then contacted by Taylor's lawyers and threatened with legal action. (x)

Jul 21st - Taylor's Wikipedia page is vandalised with insults. (x)

Taylor and Tom fly back from Australia into a private airport in LA, and are seen out and about. (x) (x)

Jul 22nd - Fergie, who had Kim appear in her M.I.L.F. $ music video, says she thinks the Kimye-Taylor feud was planned and 'they’ll probably all come together at the MTV Awards or something.' (x)

Taylor goes to the gym in LA. It is the first time she has appeared in public since Kim posted the edited video, and her phone screen is now shattered. (x)

She also returns to Instagram to wish Selena a happy birthday. (x)

Jul 23rd - Taylor goes to the gym in LA. (x)

Tom is at Comic Con in San Diego. (x)

Calvin lip-syncs to Kanye's song That Part in a video posted on his Snapchat. (x) He also attends J-Lo's birthday party and is photographed with Kim. Apparently they have a friendly chat. (x) A source claims to E!, 'When Kim walked in Calvin saw her and stood up. He was clearly excited to see her and said 'hi' to Kim backstage.' (x)

Jul 24th - Taylor blocks the snake emoji from her Instagram comments section using a new Instagram feature. (x)

Tom is seen at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills with members of Taylor's security team. (x)

Jul 26th - Tom flies back to LA from NYC, where he has just spent a couple of days. On the same day, Taylor's plane arrives back in LA from Nashville, where she has spent a couple of days. (x)

VMA nominations are announced. Taylor is not nominated in any category, despite Out Of The Woods and Wildest Dreams being eligible, leading some people to think she has been snubbed. Gossip Cop, an outlet widely used by celebrity publicists to quietly squash rumours, says that Taylor did not submit any videos for consideration this year. (x)

Jul 27th - Taylor goes to the gym in LA. (x)

John Newman, singer of Calvin's song Olé, jokes, 'Supposedly we had a holiday where he was movin’ on from his ex-missus,' referring to the trip to Mexico to film the music video, which involved girls and a yacht. He also says he doesn't think it's his place to say what inspired Calvin to write the song. (x)

Taylor and Tom go for dinner at Hillstone restaurant in Santa Monica. One source claims they 'seemed to really be enjoying each others’ company.' (x) It is the last time they are papped together.

Kanye makes a surprise appearance at Drake's concert in Chicago where he responds to Kim's Snapchat video for the first time, saying, 'All I gotta say is, I am so glad my wife has Snapchat. Because now y’all can know the truth. And can’t nobody talk shit about ‘Ye no more.' (x)

Cara appears on James Corden's show and talks about how she, Uzo and Ruby pranked Kesha and Haim at Taylor's 4th of July party. She mentions consulting Taylor and Tom first so that security knew what they were up to. She also says that Taylor and Tom got woken up at one point by all the noise they were making, and came upstairs together to find Cara and Uzo still making ghost noises. (x)

Jul 28th - Taylor goes to the gym in LA. (x)

Jul 29th - Sources close to Calvin deny rumours that he is planning to collaborate on music with Kanye. (x)

Abigail likes E! News' Instagram photo of Tom and Taylor going out for dinner on the 27th, which has a gushing caption about them. (x)

Jul 31st - Taylor is seen entering her gym in LA through the back door. (x)

A fan sees Tom and Taylor at The Church Key restaurant in LA. (x) The outing is not papped.

Intro // February // March // April // May // June // July // August // September // October // November

[bookwyrminspiration]

hi. this isn't kotlc related, but i just started highschool and i don't have a lot of friends. i'm too shy to go up to people and i overthink things a lot. any tips on how to make good friends and juggling school work?

hey! don't worry, i don't mind getting asks that aren't kotlc related. congratulations on starting high school, i know that be really nerve-wracking, but I'm proud of you for getting there. I was the only person going to my high school from my middle school, so I knew literally no one. I was (and kind of still am) the stereotypical gifted kid who never had to plan or study anything in my earlier years and so had no experience doing so when it really mattered. Maybe some of my experiences can be of a little help <33

just to note beforehand: the kind of person i am, I have few friendships, but find them to be very close and meaningful. a couple really close over several more casual relationships, if that makes sense. so that's the perspective i'm approaching this from. These are just some personal things I do, there's no right way to make friends. also, there's nothing wrong with only having a few friends, so if you're happy with the number of friends you have don't pressure yourself to make more.

for me, the way my friendships formed was first through observation. especially since I'm introverted, i don't like to jump into conversations. Observe your classmates from afar at first, make note of faces or names or something you can recognize them by. See when else they pop up in your schedule. I find it easier to start conversations with people when there's something concrete that connects us, like a similar schedule. i actually first bonded with my middle school best friend because we had identical schedules, literally every single class together. Same with the two people I spent most of my time with in my freshman year. I don't think this is very common though, so just a few classes together is fine.

You can also use those little observations you've made to get a general sense of how others behave and who you think you'd get along with better. For example, the talkative and disruptive people generally make themselves known withing the first day or so. You can sometimes tell from appearances and apparel who the popular people will be as well. But, you can also find the people you'll connect with better. Figure out who you actually want to be friends with.

this may sound very methodical over natural, but I am not naturally socially adept and find it easier to navigate relationships with more of a plan, which helps my social anxiety too.

when in conversation with people, offer free information. this means when the other person says something or asks a question, reply with something that can keep the conversation going. A lot of people do this naturally, but it can be hard to remember in the moment. An example of this would be if someone asked, "what class is your favorite so far?" instead of just replying "English." or whatever is applicable, give a bit of information about why it is. Maybe it's because you like to read, maybe it's because you like the classroom or the teacher. This makes it easier for them to response, and allowing the conversation to move forward can lead to more personal topics and you can start to get to know each other.

for the school work part, scheduling has been my very important. I like to break it down into classes. However many classes you have, devote a basic amount of time to them however often it needs to be. I'll give you an example from my own life, but keep in mind my situation is not exactly normal and will likely not reflect your experiences. Over the summer I had four classes, all online with no real-time meetings. This meant i had the entire day to work with. So for each of those four classes I dedicated an hour of study/homework time each day of the work week. I'm a morning person, so I had no problem working early in the morning. between each of these planned hours, I would have a break so i wasn't constantly working. because I had the whole day these breaks were pretty long, but use whatever length of time works for you.

as the year progresses you'll learn which classes are more difficult and need more time, so you can adjust to prepare to give more time to those assignments and give less time to the easier classes. you can also adjust by keeping track of due dates. you can prioritize where you're going to focus your attention that way. For example, while you may have an assignment in a class, maybe it's due at the end of the week and you have something time consuming due tomorrow. you can use the time scheduled for that first class and use it for the more urgent assignment.

i understand that having schedules can feel restrictive or hard to follow, and for me it took practice and experience to get better at using them. I specifically leave my schedules kind of lax and less detailed so I don't feel trapped in them. Make note of your own reactions to the things you try and make changes when you need to. I've shared some of the things i use, but we're different people and will need different things. if something isn't working for you, change it. For example, I learned that I personally can't schedule things the day of. I need to lay out my schedule for the day the night before or I'll spend the entire day just sitting there not doing anything because I didn't plan anything and I couldn't get myself to do it in the moment. There's a certain element of trial an error there, so please be gentle and lenient with yourself <33. You're going through a big change,

This was probably very specific and niche as it was drawn from my own experiences, so if you would like me to explain anything else in more detail or provide more options or be more broad or share more personal experiences or anything else you (and anyone who wants to) are entirely welcome to ask /g. I'm on the older side of the fandom now, so I do have the lived experiences of high school and would love to help in any way I can because I know it can be terrifying.

I hope this made at least a little bit of sense. You'll be okay, starting at a new school is a big change and can be very unpleasant, but I promise you will survive. You've got this <33

[globalmediajoey]

Post #5: My takes on social media

I've been on the internet from a very young age, but I'm old enough where social media sites hadn't completely taken off yet. Back in the day I would've spent most of my time on YouTube, Newgrounds, OMGFacts, Wikipedia (and various fandom wikis), Club Penguin, and a few different webcomic sites. Of those websites, only Club Penguin really had a social aspect. Newgrounds would've had personal chat/DMs, I never used that very extensively though. 

It would've been around 6th grade that I was first introduced to Facebook by my friends, and throughout middle school I spent so much time on Facebook, logging on as soon as I got home and chatting with friends (*cough* the girls I liked *cough*) through the night. I really liked this time period for Facebook but by my sophomore year of high school, Facebook had changed and there was a demographic shift of young people away from Facebook as older people came on-board. Suddenly, Instagram and Twitter seemingly became the social media of choice for my generation. 

But for me, things were different. As I discussed in my video with Sophia, I discovered Tumblr and ended up making it my internet home for most intents and purposes. Tumblr was appealing to me for a variety of reasons: initially it was the memes and GIFs of my favorite shows, but eventually I started using more for the social aspect as I formed online friendships. I also began using it as a platform for my own content, posting anything from pixel art to Photoshop projects to jokes and my own memes. I even made it to the home page of the website when I was in my mid-teens with a simple ghost pixel art GIF (shown below this paragraph). This seems to have happened to other people during this same time period (~2012-2015), where they began to become content creators rather than just browsing and enjoying the existing content. I feel that the modern TikTok phenomenon has some roots in this as well.

Tumblr was also an important part of my political socialization. If you know anything about Tumblr then you probably know that it is known for its userbase's left-leaning political views. I had already developed into someone with left wing views on my own, but going on Tumblr solidified it even further. I saw a lot of what we would now call "takes", both takes that would hold up today as well as plenty of bad takes. Both helped me to become more interested in the discourse around social issues, which is an interest that continues to this day.

I even had a group of about 15 Tumblr friends that met up every night and video chatted into the early morning for a whole summer. They were true friends when I didn't have so many of those in real life.

Most people in that group had a gender identity and/or sexuality that differed from the "norm", with myself being one of the few exceptions. It always made me wonder why I seemed to fit in with this community so well. Later on I came to the realization that it was because Tumblr was also a safe haven for neurodivergent folks like myself.

Eventually, I started moving away from Tumblr, or rather from being on the internet as much as I was. This also coincided with the infamous ban of adult content on Tumblr following their acquisition by Yahoo! A big chunk of the userbase left and for years there was just not as much good content as there had been before. I started using Instagram a lot more starting around senior year, right as I was moving away from Tumblr. I got comfortable with engaging with people I already knew in real life on social media again. For a while I just used it casually because my friends wanted me to (just like with Facebook in middle school), but eventually I started getting really into it and now I use it extensively. I can even say that I made connections to my favorite band by engaging with some of the band members on Instagram and eventually I even I ended up being invited backstage at one of their concerts via an Instagram DM from one of the members, which was really cool. 

I also use Instagram to find great content creators, especially artists and musicians. I follow well over 1,000 accounts and the vast majority of them are artists. I think Instagram is great for finding art but you have to be careful about art repost accounts. Uncredited art is bad enough, but when you follow one repost account, all of the sudden the algorithm starts pushing you more repost accounts until it's a viscous cycle.

I have also moved into the Twitter space, which fills the role of giving me the juicy social discourse I learned to love from Tumblr. I also use Tumblr a lot more again as it has had a resurgence, and is now again amongst my favorite social media sites. It's interesting to me how each social media has its own qualities that appeal to different sides of my personality. As a graphic designer, I've been hearing that Pinterest is a great place for us, so I might look there soon.

[pynkhues]

Well, 3, 12, 43 for your asks!

Hi! Thank you! I was so delighted to see you back on my dash this morning 💖

3. Do you feel your age?

Mmm, on the whole, I think I'd say yes? In a lot of ways, time feels like an increasingly superfluous thing in my life and, by extension, I think age does too. Some days I feel extremely young, and other days like I have one foot in the grave, haha, but mostly I just feel like me.

Time's been a very strange thing anyway because Melbourne's been in strict lockdown for an enormous chunk of the last two years (one of the longest lockdowns in the world!), and it's been a really weird thing to think that I was 29 when I went into my first one and am 31 having only recently come out of one. I do feel like I've lost that time, but I also appreciate why we did it and I think it's made me both stronger and more community and environmentally minded which is something I love taking into my thirties with me.

12. What was your favorite movie of the year?

Of movies released this year? I'd say it's a tie between Zola and Coda, both of which I found really affecting and full of personality. They're really (really, haha) different movies, but they have incredible performances and confident direction with a real point of view. I loved them both a lot.

Older movies I watched this year though, the title absolutely goes to In the Mood for Love, which was even more transcendent than I anticipated. I also really loved Mustang though too!

43. What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?

One of the funny things about six lockdowns in two years is that it's really given me not just time for self-reflection, but an up close and personal understanding of my habits and ways I self-sabotage as my mental health deteriorates. I tell this story a lot, but I thought I handled lockdown 2 (which was 111 days) really well when I was in it, only to realise during the brief period where it lifted how low I actually was and the toll it had taken on me emotionally.

Our most recent lockdown was 77 days, and I think it was the hardest one so far, but it was also the one I faired best in. I knew from experience the warning signs for when I was going to start slipping, and I knew what habits were important for me to maintain to keep myself afloat – online pilates classes, walking every day, creating meal plans at the start of each week, doing a basic clean of the house every week, catching up on zoom with a different friend once a week, things like that. It was self care probably at it's most base, and I've always known I'm a pretty resilient person, but I think I learned that sometimes that resilience, for me, needs to be just looking after myself and my home, and feeling connected to my space.

A bit of a bleak one, haha, but I think that's been a pretty special thing to learn this year, and it's something I feel really good about.

End of Year meme

[ellaenchanting]

Hypnovember Day 18: Monster

Ellen sat in the back room of the coffeeshop quietly sipping her tea. The other members of the hypnosis meet up group were slowly gathering after their break,  chatting and catching up before practice portion of their group officially started. She strategized about what it would be helpful for her to practice tonight. Her traitorous brain eagerly supplied some silly power fantasies. She quickly suppressed them. That kind of stuff wasn’t fair to think about here. It wasn’t everyone else’s fault that she was so warped.

Ellen both loved and hated the group. She wasn’t just into power fantasies- she was genuinely interested in hypnotherapy and doing hypnosis for fun. She had been very surprised to find a local hypnosis practice group existed at all where she could practice her skills and learn more . (It was tiring having to work up the nerve to bug her friends to volunteer to be practice subjects.) Of course, she was the youngest person there and usually the only woman but- that was OK. She had long ago accepted that that most actual hypnotists were middle aged men and she was an odd aberration.

She felt like an aberration in other ways too. Few of the hypnotists here seemed to struggle with nerves in the way she did. Group practice often brought those nerves on . She hated the way they would make her words come out stilted and wrong, her gestures awkward, and her metaphors so mixed up until they ultimately went nowhere. When it got really bad, Ellen’s childhood stutter would return in full force. It felt important and meaningful to her that she got it wrong so often- like she had failed to perform in some cataclysmic way.

 It also felt meaningful when she got it right. Ellen would feel proud of herself  for her mastery of something and then almost immediately the thought would sneak in- “if only they knew”. It’s not that the hypnosis she was doing with the group had a sexual charge- group members ranged from kinda- to very- not-her-type- but she could only imagine the disgust her subjects would feel if they knew the full range of thoughts she had about hypnosis internally. Or, even worse, if they could see her web browser history. How would they feel being taken advantage of by such a perverted monster?

In a lesser but still meaningful way, Ellen also felt annoyed that she had never quite been hypnotized yet despite many, many attempts. Usually practice time involved pairing up and switching turns being the hypnotist and the subject. Ellen would usually go along with others’ inductions and give them some technical feedback afterwards, but the truth was she rarely felt anything besides plain, comfortable relaxation. She knew there was more- she could see it in the reactions of some of the people she hypnotized and the incredible mental feats they performed. She had evidence that this kind of deep hypnosis existed. She just couldn’t access it herself. 

Ellen was shaken out of her reverie by a voice.  

““Hi! I heard your name was Ellen?””

She looked up to see the group’s newest member. He was a little older than her- probably mid- to late-twenties- and had a nice dark beard. When she replied with the affirmative, he extended his hand and shook hers confidently. 

“Hi, I’m John.  Do you have a practice partner yet?” 

Ellen and John socialized a bit before starting their practice. This was normal at the meetings- partially because of mutual nerves but also because everyone  welcomed the  opportunity to geek out about an unusual personal interest. John said that had been doing hypnosis for about 5 years- around the same time she had- but he had already started a stage show and was planning on turning it from a hobby into a career. She was impressed. She found herself feeling surprisingly connected to him. She wondered if he had that effect on everyone he met. If so, it was a neat trick.

When they finally got down to practice, Ellen started by doing a modified Flowers induction. She had come in with the intention of throwing in a lot of language patterns into her induction- she had been drilling her Zeebu cards lately- but an odd change of mood happened as she watched John start to sink into hypnosis. Something about the way he responded to her words, melting and  seeming to almost to throw himself into trance, triggered something in her. She found herself hovering closer to him, her voice going softer as she spoke closer to his ear.

She almost reached out and touched his arm when she remembered- no. That would be inappropriate. She caught herself and reminded herself to be professional. She gave John a few generic positive suggestions and then brought him back up out of trance.

John took a surprisingly short amount of time to recover, his expression showing alertness almost immediately. When she remarked on it, he told Ellen that he was actually a very practiced subject- that he had purposefully worked on his ability to be hypnotized. Ellen hadn’t even known that was possible to do- the research she had read strongly suggested that someone’s ability to be hypnotized was pretty static and unchangeable. She confessed to John that she always had difficulty being hypnotized and envied people who could access that state easily. She worked to keep the longing out of her voice as she described her desire for the experience of knowing she was deeply and truly hypnotized. 

John paused for a moment after she spoke.  He gave her a curious, searching look. Then his face cleared as he seemed to decide on something. 

“Hey, do you mind if I try something a bit different?” he asked.

Ellen nodded. She switched positions with him and made herself comfortable as per his instructions. 

“Can I touch you?” John asked.

All things considered, Ellen thought she hid her spike of excitement quite well. She nodded again.

John started steadily and confidently speaking to her as he traced a finger lightly up and down her hand. He wanted her to focus on the feeling of the finger going up and down, he said. Ellen gamely focused her attention. It felt nice, that light touch.

John continued to talk to her, telling her she didn’t have to worry about going into trance or getting sleepy or being hypnotized- all she had to do was focus on his touch. That was good- Ellen had historically bad luck with those concepts.  She dutifully focused, even as she had some stray thoughts about how amazing John’s voice sounded. John’s fingers started to move to trace her arm up and then back down, all the while continuing to talk to her about focus and enjoying how the touch felt. Ellen still noticed some of the clever words he said, but the specifics were fading. It was all beginning to feel like a general wave of instruction washing over her. She was vaguely aware he was speaking to her more directly now and telling her how good she was doing and enjoyed how pleasant those things were.  Suddenly-

“Sleep!” 

John’s hand grabbed her arm and pulled it gently downwards. Ellen felt her eyes close as her head nodded forward. Her whole body slumped. Fortunately, John was kneeling in front of her and waiting to catch her. Once he did, he took her shoulder and rocked her deeper and deeper into trance with his words and his touch.

It felt amazing- just like she had always hoped that it would. John finally stopped rocking and took her hand. That gesture felt so right and lovely and perfect that Ellen felt herself quietly moan in response.

And then....she noticed she had done it.

Suddenly thoughts flew back into her mind. What was she doing? Did everyone else hear her? Were they watching her now? Were they realizing what a creepy pervert she was?

Ellen violently sat up, opened her eyes, and yanked her mind awake. Shaken, she took a moment to clench and unclench her hands, reminding herself that she had power over them. She was up. She had control of herself. She was OK. 

After a few breaths, she looked around the room and noticed that no one else seemed to be looking at her. She resisted the urge to cry in relief. 

She finally noticed John was there, still on his knees and giving her a concerned look. “Ellen?” he asked firmly. “How do you feel? What happened?”

She took a moment to respond. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to....I made a noise and I didn’t mean to be...awkward. I’m really sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he replied, going back into a more soothing voice. “Being hypnotized feels good sometimes, yeah? It’s ok to enjoy it. Is that what happened? It felt good in..in a way you weren’t expecting?”

Ellen nodded. “I’m sorry. I’m..weird, I didn’t mean to be weird,” she replied, still very flustered.

He looked at her gently. “You’re not...you’re not that weird. Listen, I get you might not want to talk about this here but- we could talk about it after practice maybe? I think we may have some things in common.”

Ellen thought about everything she had seen about erotic hypnosis online. All the misogyny. All of the shame and degradation people wrote about. She pictured the sexy stage show she had downloaded parts of and how much the hypnotist seemed to relish in people’s genuine embarrassment. 

She remembered that she didn’t really know John at all. 

“No!” she replied sharply. Then gentler-  “I mean, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s OK. I’m OK.”

He nodded. “You are, you know. And it’s OK if you’re....if you’re not ready yet to talk about it. But- “ He made sure she was looking at him as he said the next part. “There’s nothing wrong with you. And- if you do ever want to talk more about it or even ask questions, here’s my card. Call me anytime, ok? I mean it.”

He produced a business card out of his pocket. Ellen hesitated, then took it.

Just then, the leader announced that their practice time was over and moved onto wrapup. Ellen waited for everyone’s attention to be gathered, then snuck out the back on the building. She needed some fresh air. She was done with hypnosis for tonight. 

But she thought of the card, still in her jacket pocket, the whole bike ride home.  

[ingravinoveritas]

Malcolm is autistic coded too but y'all just love to jump on the chance to call him an abuser for some reason despite your reblog making no sense to any situation that was mentioned when it's Edrisa harassing and pursuing a very clearly uncomfortable Malcolm which is triggering to anyone whose ever been creepily stalked or pursued but okay

Whoa, whoa...let’s hold on a minute here and slow down, Anon. I have never once, not anywhere on my blog--and definitely not in the post you are talking about--called Malcolm an “abuser.” That is categorically false, especially since after the paragraphs detailing the experience in my own life, I specifically said, “I do not think Malcolm is like that guy. I do not think he has any malicious intention whatsoever.” So, no, I am not calling Malcolm an abuser, but I am pointing out actions of his that have created problems (mainly via a lack of communication with Edrisa).

Also, I think it’s important to mention that in no way whatsoever does being autistic preclude someone from engaging in harassment or abuse. You want to talk triggers, Anon? I’ve been stalked multiple times in my life, but because of my disability and a lack of understanding and awareness as to what stalking is, I didn’t even know that was what it was the first time it happened to me. I was a senior in college--21, 22 years old--and I attended an autism conference in New England (where he lived, several states away from me). This autistic man--who was 15 years older than I was--saw me at the conference and became obsessed with me. After graduating college, I moved to the West Coast (not because of him, though), and he still stalked me during the two years I lived away. He went so far as to drive from his state to the state where I went to college--at least a four-hour drive--to my friend’s place of work all because he wanted to ask her about me. (I was mortified more than anything else and afraid she would think I had told him where she worked, which I absolutely didn’t.)

When I moved back East to start graduate school, he was still pursuing me and insisted on meeting in person. I was so used to being accommodating and putting others’ needs far ahead of my own, and that combined with not having a lot of self-confidence at that point or sense of self-awareness meant I didn’t put my foot down and say no, this isn’t happening. I felt bad because he was on the spectrum, and I forgave and excused things I absolutely shouldn’t have. So we did finally meet (I brought along a male friend, so I wouldn’t be alone), and it was about as awkward and uncomfortable as you would expect, though mercifully it didn’t last long.

More recently, I’ve been stalked and harassed in person and online by men on the spectrum who have come to the support group meeting I co-facilitate. This was happening right before the pandemic hit last year, and the president of the autism organization declined my request for the one guy in particular to be banned from the group. This guy and his little circle of misogynistic, incel reprobates tried to get nude pictures of me online as well, to “humiliate” me (they were not successful, as there are none, and also HELLO I TALK ABOUT SEX AND MY SEX LIFE FOR A LIVING, YOU PEA-BRAINED TROGLODYTES). All of this is to say that people on the spectrum are as capable of abuse and harassment as anyone else (though autistic people are overwhelmingly more likely to be the victims of abuse, rather than the perpetrators).

But whether Malcolm or Edrisa (or both) are neurodivergent, the problem here is twofold: 1) A lack of communication. Edrisa wants to create a connection with him but doesn’t know how, so tries to compensate with these seemingly creepy gestures, and Malcolm is not explicitly conveying his lack of interest, which continues to give her false hope. And 2) The writers repeatedly making Edrisa and her feelings for Malcolm into a joke. The only way Malcolm is going to take her seriously is if the writers take her seriously, which has sadly yet to happen. The writers seem to have difficulty with acknowledging her feelings and Malcolm’s feelings as legitimate, so what he does comes at the expense of Edrisa’s character, and what she does comes at the expense of Malcolm’s, and it’s uncomfortable for the viewer to see all around.

Both Malcolm and Edrisa deserve better than to be put into these awkward interactions for no reason, and that is really all there is to it.