#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc

[angelsdean]

ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.

[wellofdean]

Here's what sticks in my craw: why ON EARTH does fanon imagine that Cas has 'self-esteem issues' and experiences his love for Dean as a wet, miserable kind of yearning? What is it about any part of anything that happens on Supernatural makes anyone think that Cas, a cosmic, Eldritch being, a warrior of god, who literally hung the stars and has existed for a bazillion years, is reduced to teenage angst by Dean's pussy?

Like, when Cas says "the one thing I want I know I can't have" why do y'all think it's a piece of Dean's ass? Why does ANYONE think Cas doesn't know Dean loves him? Dean has shown Cas he loves him with literally everything he has again and again and again. Even the way Dean feels like Cas can absorb his anger is Dean showing Cas love and trust. Cas and Dean have chosen each other, forgiven each other, and been the only reliable thing in each others' lives over, and over and over again. Cas fucking knows that Dean loves him. Cas can literally hear Dean's thoughts, and feel his yearning. Cas was only saying the quiet part out loud when he said he loved Dean, because it was already obvious! If there was anyone feeling wet and lovesick, it would be DEAN, if he ever had a break in the battle to fucking feel things, which he did not.

Like, hear me out: what if the one thing Cas knows he can't have is the one thing he knows he signed over to the empty? His happiness, and by extension, Dean's, because he knows Dean loves him? What if Cas is saying: I know I can't have this thing I want for myself: to be the one to MAKE YOU HAPPY, but I can save you, and maybe Cas's belief in Dean is such that he still hopes and believes Dean will find a way to make himself happy if he lives.

After Cas's death, Dean is trying to live for him. Trying to be what Cas believed he was. It's what CANONICALLY gives Dean the strength to defeat Chuck by not killing him! And, after Dean's death, he CANONICALLY goes in search of happy endings. Like... THAT IS EXPLICITLY STATED.

I AM HAVING AN ALL CAPS MOMENT, SO SUE ME.

Guys, Cas is not a wet, yearning baby who needs Dean to say or do ANYTHING to validate his love. HE KNOWS. He is a being of unimaginable age and power. He is not beleaguered by self-esteem issues, or the need to tongue-wrestle Dean. Like, he might WANT TO, but he CANONICALLY does not need to in order to experience a happiness so complete that it puts paid to his deal. His happiness is THAT NOW DEAN ALSO KNOWS, and he can tell Dean why, and show him who he is in the mirror of that love.

Also, he is not dead, he is just on another plane of existence, and neither is Dean. Cas is a profoundly unselfish badass. He is not fucking PINING. He made a play, the best one he had. He is a strategist, and he knows Dean BY HEART.

[shallowrambles]

It's fascinating to me how much I've changed my mind about Dean in The Trap. I'm waaaaay more sympathetic to the whole Cas-being-forgiven aspect of it, because yes, Cas apologized initially, but the root of the issue was Cas's painful withdrawal of his partnership and his withholding of critical information. Full stop. He and Dean are NOT equally culpable in this one.

It's not just about Mary and Jack, and yet Cas keeps pivoting to "Dean blaming him for Mary." Which oversimplifies the whole thing in a terrible way. Yes, they're all culpable, and yes they all saw that things were wrong with Jack, but next to Donatello, Cas is THE authority on souls and physically the strongest of TFW. To make matters worse, he all but demanded Dean to parent Jack and take care of Jack's emotions, even though Dean expressed discomfort over his memories of soulless Sam. Dean has repeatedly expressed how he wants Cas to be open and honest with him, especially now that they're co-parenting, and although Cas demanded Dean parent Jack, he then turned around and hid Big Parenting Stuff from him and went off to meet Anael.

Barring Cas's one feeble and poorly-timed, "I tried to fix it on my own because I was afraid of losing this family," he doesn't really spell out his part in the communication failures or apologize very well for withdrawing from Dean, specifically. He sorts of sulls up and say, "I already apologized and I'm not doing it again." Yet, Cas has a continued, longstanding pattern of withdrawal from the partnership. I'm floored that my Cas goggles kept me from seeing it before, and maybe I'm a little embarrassed, too. I mean, honestly, it's amazing that Dean takes him back at all. :/ Once you look past, "Oh no! Dean said mean things!" anyway.

I think by The Trap, Dean has given up trying to get Cas to change or hold him accountable for his lack of communication. Cas sort of gave Dean ultimatums over it, if you squint, and Dean rolled over. And Dean wants to get back together. He needs Cas's support and Cas need his. He looks at everything Cas is and decides that Cas's avoidance and want to protect the family is just woven into the fabric of him, and Dean decides to accept that. It's something he loves about him as much as he resents it. Cas's chivalry is a feature and a bug. Dean loves him for it. It makes his life a Hell sometimes.

Occasionally, I still see people harping on how horrible Dean was for "forgiving" Cas, like Cas doesn't need to be forgiven. And with some distance and clarity, I find that pretty baffling now, but I also remember feeling that way when I wasn't looking at their partnership equally and giving Cas too much leeway on his continued absence from the partnership. I almost...respected Cas more. That thought makes me wince. But his bad decisions I was way more likely to stamp as protective or tactically genius, at least compared to some of Dean's similar decisions. Dean's things I tended to group as "too angry/emotional/irrational." :(

I guess I've come a long way when it comes to holding Sam and Cas accountable for their actions, too. Much of the time, my issues with Dean devolved to unfortunate tone policing or not liking him to express his anger and be angry at his boundaries being breached over and over, even when he was taking his anger out on inanimate objects. I balked just because it made a loud sound that made Sam wince (oh noes, not the wincing).

///

On the other hand, I'm quite impressed that Dean and Cas were finding their way back to each other after the Death of a Child. That's about the hardest thing a marriage can go through, and they were getting back together and trying to heal even before Jack reappeared. Clearly, it's a stress-tested relationship. WAY more stress-tested than your everyday marriages; they've been through multiple apocalypses. On the whole, they often have good communication, even when they disagree, they knew where they stood (like with Donatello). It's just these huge, incredibly unusual horrible earth-shatteringly terrible things that throw them. Chuck's grooming is such a bitch.

[and-stir-the-stars]

Fic writer asks: 10 for "Ugly Americans"? and also 11 & 12?

10. If you wrote a sequel to (fic name), what would it be?

(link to the fic in question)

Ohhh, good question! I've wondered a lot about how the angels would respond when Cas and Hannah finally left the funeral room to let them know what would happen, and while I think they would be pissed at Cas at first, their anger would shift towards Sam and Dean soon enough (they've forgiven Cas for quite a lot already, and I think they'd see pretty quickly that he's a victim in this situation, too). In my head, Cas would end up giving this whole speech about how the angels need to leave the Winchesters alone-- not because he doesn't want to see them pay, but because he's genuinely terrified of what the Winchesters could do to them. Sure, they might be a strong army of angels, but he's watched Sam and Dean reduce far, far worse enemies than them to ashes. There would definitely be a line in his speech where he says smth like "The Winchesters could come up with a million ways to kill us all. They could do something as simple as fill the sprinkler system with holy oil and light a match, or use any number of methods against us that we wouldn't initially suspect, to utterly annihilate us." They're resourceful and spiteful, and in his mind, it's best not to provoke them, because nothing stops them when they want revenge or to protect each other.

As for what the actual plot would be, I kinda like the idea of the angels (with or without Cas' permission) abducting Sam and Dean and forcing them to face a trial for what they did. And they would have Cas stand as a witness against them, and there'd be this heartbreaking scene of Cas talking about what he realized during the course of that fic-- that Sam and Dean only see him and his kind as weapons or tools, not people, and explaining in full depth the horror and loss and cultural appropriation of the atrocity they committed against Camael. And ofc it's made worse by the fact that Cas isn't saying this to Sam and Dean at all-- he won't even look at them. It just hammers home that Cas doesn't want anything to do with them, he doesn't trust them, doesn't feel safe around them at all. So much potential angst there.

Only thing is, I'm not sure how I'd end it. How would the angels decide to punish Sam and Dean for their crimes? Would Cas agree to it? Would Sam and Dean accept their punishment, or fight?

Who knows?

11. Post something from a current wip or concept

I have a concept for a fic that I want to have finished by the end of the month, but it's not planned out at alllll. Only thing I know about it so far is that it will take place post-finale, in Kelly Kline's part of Heaven, where Kelly gets to meet a friend (or friends?) that we viewers haven't seen in a long time. She and this friend never got to meet in canon, so there's a lot of room for me to play around with their dynamic and interactions :)

12. The funniest comment someone has left on a fic of yours?

Okay, I wrote a fic that had a scene where Sam thinks that Cas wants him to sit in a bean bag chair (Cas doesn't), and Cas lets Sam sit down in the bean bag chair even though Cas knows FULL WELL that Sam is too lanky and awkward to get up from the bean bag chair after sitting in it. Then I got a comment from someone saying: "Also the mental image of Sam sitting in the beanbag chair because he thinks Cas wants him to, then getting stuck, and Cas just watching it happening and internally cackling absolutely cracks me up. Especially as a tall person that has gotten stuck in one of those chairs more than once. Did I know that it would probably happen before I sat down? Yes. Did it stop me? No, no it didn't. Did I get helplessly stuck? Yes, yes I did. Did my friends just stand there and laugh at me? Yes, the jerks. So the thought of this same thing happening to Sam was AMAZING. 😆"

also, @eunoiastarz? I still giggle every time I read this comment you left here:

[dothwrites]

15.09 coda--the name of love practiced

Forgiveness is the name of love practiced amongst those who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.--Henri J.M. Nouwen

---

Castiel carries the weight of Dean’s prayer. 

It rests around his neck like the sweetest of nooses, like the softest of shackles and he never wants to let it go. 

It’s been years since he’s heard Dean’s voice through the celestial fibers that keep him connected to the universe. Dean was an itinerate petitioner at best, and through the last few years, he’s stopped listening. But when Dean’s voice had clawed through the ever-present static in his mind, it had been enough for Castiel to stop dead in his tracks. 

He can remember before, what it was like--the terror dogging his every step, the constant running, blipping in and out of existence through every facet of Purgatory as he tried to stay ahead of the Leviathan. And through it all--Dean’s prayers followed him. Castiel had hoarded them close to his heart at the same time that he’d fled from them, terrified that the prayers would somehow alert the Leviathan to Dean’s whereabouts, terrified for Dean’s safety, horrified at everything that he’d done--

Castiel swallows and Dean’s prayer moves with the bob of his throat. 

He never told Dean that it’s not just words that get transmitted along the wavelengths of prayer. Feelings seep through the connection as well, if those emotions are strong enough. And Dean...Dean has the purest, strongest emotions that Castiel’s ever encountered. Whatever he’s feeling, he feels, with every facet of his body. 

The longing hasn’t changed in almost seven years. 

I heard your prayer, he’d said, because he’d also heard what was in Dean’s voice along with the prayer. The yearning had dripped off of every word and it was sweet, it was a balm to whatever he has in place of a soul--and it wasn’t enough. 

And it should have been. It’s everything that he thought he wanted--an apology, recognition, validation...Except it’s not enough, and he doesn’t know why, except that he does. 

There’s something that I need to tell you, Dean said, hope brimming in his eyes and spilling over his lips and Castiel...Castiel had been unable to hear it. 

---

Sam’s grief hangs over the bunker, even after he goes to bed. Dean floats through the empty spaces and cleans up the lingering remnants of their last chance. A glass put away here, a sigil scrubbed there. 

He comes to the knife still stained with flecks of Cas’ blood. 

Cas’ face had never wavered as the knife sliced through his flesh. He’d never hesitated as he made the decision to take on the Mark, a decision that Dean knows from experience would consume him. Once again, Cas never hesitated before he made the decision to throw himself onto the fire and that...

He doesn’t know what he would have said in Purgatory. Some horrific mangling of the words that have been trying to escape him for over ten years now, no doubt. A garbled version of love and want that got mixed up with self-loathing and anger and deeper, darker versions of the definitions of friend, of love, of need. 

And then Cas had said I heard your prayer, which that was all well and good, but there was more. Dean was done then. Done being a coward, done pretending that he didn’t want what he wanted. Done pushing Cas away with some twisted version of heroism motivating him. 

Cas has always deserved better than anything that Dean could give him, but Cas is still here in spite of that, and hell. Dean’s done talking himself out what he wants. 

Cas has pretty much laid all of his cards out on the table. He did a long time ago. 

And with everything that’s happened, Dean wonders why he’s still playing. 

---

He finds Cas in the kitchen. Why Cas likes to hang out here, Dean will never know; it’s not as though he’s hankering for a midnight snack. 

But then he thinks he understands--no matter that their kitchen is industrial in nature, meant to feed a multitude instead of a family, there’s still comfort to be found in the place where food is cooked. There’s a heart in the kitchen that’s missing from every other part of the bunker. Even empty, it speaks of a crowd. 

Maybe that’s why Cas ends up here so often. 

“Hey,” Dean says as he enters. Cas’ head flicks towards him in a quick, convulsive movement. He must be exhausted. It’s rare for Dean to get that kind of reaction out of him. 

“Hey,” Cas replies. His eyes are soft around the edges, not with the hard, hunted slice of past weeks. After a moment, Cas asks, “Did Sam go to bed?”

The thought of the loss lingering in the hollows of Sam’s cheeks and in the downturn of his mouth is another thing that’s going to haunt Dean’s passing thoughts, but now isn’t the time for that. Now is finally the time for him to take something for himself. 

“Yeah, he’s still pretty tore up over Eileen leaving.” Something complicated passes over Cas’ expression and it’s only after a moment that Dean realizes why Cas might be conflicted about that statement. Perfect. 

“Hey, look, Cas, I gotta,” he says at the same time that Cas is saying, “Dean, there’s something that I need--”

They both break off, embarrassed, and wait for the other to speak. When it becomes clear that neither of them are taking the other up on the invitation, Dean gestures to Cas. 

With uncharacteristic fidgeting and hesitation, Cas begins. “I never wanted to leave. Not just...not just then.” Cas’ mouth dips downwards in pain and Dean wants nothing more than to wipe that expression off his face, make it so something that wretched never feels comfortable settling into Cas’ features ever again. “I told you a long time ago that I’d rather be with you than anywhere else.” Cas swallows. The tip of his thumb brushes over the corner of his mouth. When he meets Dean’s eyes, it’s with all the self-assurance of an angel and with all the hope of a man. “That’s never changed.” 

Dean’s knees go weak. He has to grab onto the edge of the table to keep himself upright. It’s a move that brings his hand perilously close to Cas’. He feels the warmth as Cas’ hand settles over his, easy and natural as breathing. 

“Fuck,” he breaths, heat coursing through his body. He locks eyes with Castiel, not afraid, he’s already faced the worst and come out through the other side. “Cas.” His fingers twitch and Castiel’s grip tightens. “You must know. You...you have to know.” 

“Always,” Castiel says, with the patience and understanding of eternity. 

---

So Dean doesn’t say it there in the kitchen. 

But he says it later that night. 

He whispers it into the fine hairs of Cas’ temples, into the stubble-rough skin of his cheek, into the upwards curve of his lips, and into the cleft on his chin. He says it through spit-slick lips, gasps it and murmurs it and pants it until he has no voice left. And even then, he tries to say it through the fingers carding through Cas’ hair and the soft brush of their noses together. 

Cas curls up behind him, solid and immovable, and Dean lets himself sink back into that warmth. He rests his hand over the arm curved protectively around his belly. Against the back of his neck, Cas smiles. Cas’ fingers splay wide on Dean’s stomach. And this time, Dean takes the invitation and slots his fingers neatly into the spaces left for him. 

And then, on the cusp of sleep, he says it again. The words that he never thought he would say to someone other than his blood, the words that he never got to say before, the words that never made it out into the air of Purgatory. 

“I love you,” and they come as easy as anything, as natural as Cas’ smile, or their clasped hands, or a thousand other things that Dean never thought would be possible at all. 

“I love you,” he repeats. The words echo behind him and Dean falls asleep with the knowledge that the world is still ending, that God still has them in his crosshairs, that his little brother’s heart is broken, and that he might still lose it all, but also that he wasn’t too late. 

That he was never too late. 

---

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)--e.e. cummings

---

tags! message/reply if you want to be added or removed

@screamatthescreen @queenvee08 @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @dizzypinwheel @stay-inside-the-salt-ring @deansbff @spaceshipkat @rogerslouis @espejonight28738 

[killianmesmalls]

I truly believe Jack deserves to be forgiven by the Winchesters. Sam, I think, may have already fully forgiven him, though they have some conversations to have, so it is mostly Dean we can see being on the fence of whether he will or not. My (personal) thoughts and feelings below the cut if anyone may be interested. 

First, we have to address the obvious factor of Jack’s lack of a soul and how recent a development that was for him when he accidentally killed Mary. I can see people being of two minds about it: either soulless Jack is no longer truly the same Jack and therefore should be treated separately, or he is still essentially himself and all actions involving him with or without a soul should be taken into consideration while weighing what he deserves. If it’s the first and soulless Jack is an entirely different person from regular Jack, then once his soul was restored he should not be held accountable for his previous actions. However, that seems to not be the consensus, either for myself or most others, so let’s dive into why taking everything into consideration still warrants forgiveness. 

While it is easy to forget, especially since he adapts and learns easily, we need to remember that Jack is still incredibly young. Though he’s able to understand some adult concepts and handle complex situations, often he needs guidance or time to truly process information he’s given or the world around him. He knew a lot very quickly thanks to what he was able to obtain from his mother while developing in the womb, but we see from a number of incidents that this doesn’t expand as far as we sometimes assume—he doesn’t understand most pop culture references, social cues, certain adult concepts such as sex, or even some basic skills like (arguably, at first) tying his shoes and blowing bubblegum. What he’s had to deal with in such a short period of time is absolutely overwhelming, and almost everything he’s done since the moment he was born was to protect and help his family: the Winchesters and Cas. From his search for Mary to losing his grace to being willing to kill himself if needed to burning off his grace in order to keep saving them, his driving force has always been to do what he can for those he loves. 

Unfortunately, he’s learned the Winchester way of self-sacrifice. He put himself in harm’s way in order to locate Mary, trying to handle Lucifer and protect Sam, and repeatedly saw losing his part of his soul as a necessary risk if it meant saving his family. That being said, while he saw it as a risk, I truly believe Jack was also incredibly scared of losing his soul. Not only because of what Cas warned him about, but he’s carried with him since he was born this fear of being evil and knowledge now that having a soul might be keeping him from crossing a line he never wanted to cross. 

Sadly, he crossed it. 

I should say that I feel zero sadness for the loss of Nick, though I do agree with Mary that torture was absolutely out of line and also something Jack with a soul would never have done. However, a newly soulless child (in many ways) looking into the face of the man who looked like Lucifer and was now trying to bring him back—the father who tried to kill him and did steal his grace for himself while threatening to end the world and forced him to choose between killing Sam or himself—is hardly in control of his emotions. It wasn’t that long ago that Jack accidentally yeeted a tattoo artist thanks to feeling one of his first experiences of pain, or kept losing control of his powers when he got upset or scared. To assume Jack, soul or no soul, was these days in control of himself fully is unfair to him. 

So, while being confronted with the idea that a fear he’d been harboring for a while now had come true and someone he cared about deeply was now telling him something was wrong, that his adoptive father figures would be worried about his behavior, and he’s not okay, he understandably experienced what I would say was a panic attack. That, plus what had to be the influence of angel radio, completely threw off any sense of calm he had been struggling to keep. 

Now, I do not believe Mary deserved what happened at all. Before anyone says otherwise, I want to establish that right now. She completely did not deserve to be killed, and this is discussing Jack and his emotions and actions, or my interpretation of them, and not hers. With that in mind, as someone who has suffered panic attacks before, anyone repeatedly insisting on a serious and stressful conversation rather than providing space only provides to heighten the stress. So, soulless, stressed, and still without full control of his actions if he becomes overly emotional, he accidentally had a temper tantrum. Sadly for him, his tantrums don’t end in punching a hole in a wall or flopping on the floor of a Target screaming because he didn’t get what he wanted. It results in the complete obliteration of a human being. A human being we have to remember he loved and saw as a sort of maternal figure. There is nothing about his actions before, during, or after that indicate to me that what happened was at all intentional.

Immediately after the burst of emotion caused Mary’s demise, Jack exhausted all of his options to bring her back. While he didn’t truly feel emotions the same way, if at all, he had enough of an idea still of what guilt, remorse, and love were to try his best to bring her back. In what other times can we recall that someone killed someone and literally scanned heaven and earth for a chance to fix what they had broken? 

On top of that, we cannot discount his manipulation by Duma and Chuck for their own ends. In spite of this, he still accepted his fate gracefully, showing absolutely no anger or resentment toward Dean for the decision he was making nor the actions of putting him in the box and all that went into that incident. 

I’m sure I can speak more to all of the above or more, but for now these are my thoughts and feelings and I am looking forward to the possibility of a good family moment where forgiveness and closure finally happen. 

[dlwritings]

Firecracker Soul | Dean Winchester

Chapter 16 - Normal

pairing - mob!Dean x teacher!ofc

word count - 3,600

warnings - language, daddy kink

additional notes at the end

(previous)

Another week went by, and Dean and Alice were back in paradise. They went out to dinner a few nights, saw a movie another, and had soft, sweet sex every night -and some mornings. The incident with the photo book was a thing of the past, and Alice was glad they could move on so smoothly.

On Saturday, they headed to Sam and Jess' for dinner. A lot of things were great about being with Dean, but the weekly dinners were easily one of the best. Since her first dinner with them, she had even started to text with Hannah and Jess on a semi regular basis. When she had told Dean all of that, he laughed. "So basically, your favorite part of this relationship isn't even really about me?" he asked.

"I didn't say it was my favorite," she said.

"Still!"

"It's not my fault your family is so nice."

Lexi was sitting in front of the TV watching a movie while the others sat around the table chatting. "Shit," Cas said, sitting up straighter, "I keep forgetting to tell you-" He was speaking to Dean. "-I know we have that no work talk rule-" Everyone groaned, but Cas insisted it would be quick. "Benny finally talked to that guy Brent, and-"

"Cas," Dean scolded. Alice, however, stared at Cas with wide eyes.

"What are you talking about?" she asked. Cas looked at Dean who was shooting him a cold glare. "Castiel," Alice said. He looked at her. "What is he having you do to Brent?"

"Who's Brent?" Hannah asked.

"The second guy I told Dean about who assaulted me," she said. "The first guy I told him about ended up dying." Jess and Hannah shared a look, clearly taken aback at her admission.

"Leave it alone, Alice," Dean said.

"I won't," she said, narrowing her eyes at him. "Tell me what you did to Brent."

"I didn't do anything," Dean said.

"Castiel," Alice said, looking away from Dean. Cas held his hands up, implying that he wasn't going to say a word. "Dean, you told me you wouldn't kill him!"

"We're not killing him!" he said, his fist clenching on the table.

"Then what are you doing?"

"We're making him leave the complex, okay?" Dean said, his voice raising. Alice shrunk back a bit, and Dean sighed and put his hand on her thigh. She jumped a little, but he didn't move his hand. "Alice," he said. He hated that they were having this conversation in front of the others, but he knew she wouldn't allow him to let it go now. "I just want you to be safe," he said softly.

"You can't dictate who can or can't exist in my space!" she snapped. Dean sighed and clenched his jaw.

"Hey, let's not talk about this right now," he said. "We shouldn't do this around them, okay?"

"Okay, fine!" she said, standing up from the table. "Then let's go somewhere else and talk about this!" She left the room and headed outside, ready to fight. Dean shot Cas another glare before following her to the back patio. The pool lights were lit up, and there were stars littering the sky. In any other situation, Alice would find it all beautiful.  But she was too angry to care.

She knew she might be overreacting, but she also felt like she had a right to be upset. Dean may've been trying to protect her, but this wasn't a normal way to do it. She turned and looked at him with hard eyes. "Alright," Dean said, waving his hands dramatically in her direction. "Go on." She let out somewhat of a growl in annoyance.

"You do realize how insane this is, right?" she said.

"I'm trying to keep you safe," he said.

"If I thought I was in danger, I would call the real police!" she said. "You know, like a normal person!"

"You know who the real police is?" Dean asked rhetorically. "Jody is the real police. Donna is the real police. If you called the station, they would bring word back to me, and I would've handled it my way anyway. The way I see it, I cut out the middle man."

"That's not normal!" she said. "How are you not understanding that?"

"I understand that," Dean said. "I'm just saying that we don't have to handle things the normal way because we're not normal."

"No, you're not normal," she countered. "I was a very normal person until you waltzed into my life."

"Normal," he scoffed. "Right."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"You moved halfway across the country to get away from an ex-boyfriend," he said. "You think that's normal?"

"Are you serious?" she said. "Are you actually serious?"

"I guess we all have different definitions of normal," he said back sarcastically.

"Oh, and what do you think the normal way to get out of an abusive relationship is?" she asked. He didn't say anything, just set his jaw. "No really, tell me," she said. "Because the way I see it, I might need to find a way out of this one."

"You're saying I'm abusive." It was a statement. Not a question.

"You're possessive," she said. "Controlling."

"I have never once tried to control you," he said, "and you know that."

"But you're not arguing that you're possessive," she countered.

"I'm possessive because I care about you," he said.

"That's not how that works!" she said. "Showing up at my school because I was avoiding you isn't caring. It's weird."

"What was I supposed to do?" he said.

"Call me or text me like a normal person!" she said. "I was giving you space because I thought you needed it! I was waiting for you to reach out to me, but not at the place I work!"

"Is that what this is really about?" Dean asked. "That I came to your work?"

"No!" she said, putting her hands on her head in frustration. "It's about everything! I need you to believe that I can take care of myself! That I would've asked you to do something about Brent if I wanted it. That I already know you care about me without your possessive tendencies."

"I do know all that!" Dean said.

"Then why don't you act like it?"

Dean sighed and took a step closer to her. Not realizing where she was standing, Alice instinctively took one back. She lost her footing immediately and fell into the pool.

As soon as she surfaced, she saw Dean crouching at the side. "Shit," he said, reaching his hand out. "Are you okay?" She nodded and swam over to him. She took his hand and, with one swift pull, yanked him into the pool with her. His shocked expression made her laugh out loud, covering her mouth with her hand until he surfaced.

When he looked at her, all tension and anger floated away. "Oh, you think that's funny, do you?" he asked. She laughed some more and nodded only to shriek when Dean splashed her. Her jaw dropped as she splashed him back, and they continued their mutual attacks until he grabbed her by her waist and pulled her into him. He leaned his back against the wall of the pool and smiled softer, almost apologetically. He pushed some of her hair away from her face. "I'm sorry," he said. She pressed her lips into a tight line and hung her head a bit. He lifted her chin. "I'm serious. I'm sorry. I can let Brent back into your building if you want."

Alice shook her head. "It's already done."

"And just like that I'm forgiven?" he asked with a grin.

She sighed. "I like that you care about me and want to protect me, but I didn't expect it to be like this. It's too much to handle." Dean nodded and brushed his nose across her cheekbone to kiss her skin.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'll try to relax." She nodded, and Dean pulled back, pressing a kiss to her nose. "I have to say though," he said. "You're cute when you're angry." She pouted, and instead of pinching her lower lip like she expected him to, Dean kissed her.

She smiled against his lips and put her hands in his hair, holding him close to her.

"Hey water bugs!"

Alice pulled away from Dean to look up at the others who were standing and looking at them in amusement. Sam was the one who had spoken. "Want to get out and join the grown-ups again?"

Alice blushed and unhooked her legs from around Dean's waist. When she got out of the pool, Jess offered her a towel. "C'mon," she said with a smile, "I'll let you borrow some clothes." She thanked her and followed her through the house to her bedroom. Sam had already grabbed some new clothes for Dean, so Jess led Alice into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. "Are you okay?" she asked, not looking at her as she sifted through her clothes.

"Yeah," Alice said, shivering and holding the towel closer to herself. "I just fell in."

"Yeah we saw," Jess laughed. She turned to her again and handed her the clothes she grabbed. "I more meant are you okay after the fight?" Alice licked her lips and nodded.

"Yeah," she said again, walking towards the en-suite bathroom. "He's just a lot to handle sometimes."

"That's very true," Jess said with a laugh. Alice kept the door open a crack so she could talk to Jess.

"He said I was cute when I was angry," she said, her eyebrows furrowed. Jess laughed on the other side of the door.

"That's sweet," she said. Alice sighed.

"I don't want to be cute," she whined. "I want to be sexy! I don't want him to think I'm just this boring kid. I know I'm young and I guess I'm naive, but I can, I can learn to be better."

Alice was surprised at her own outburst, and she was sure Jess was too. When she stepped out of the bathroom, her thoughts were confirmed by the look on her face. "He likes you just as you are," Jess said. "You don't need to change." Alice bit her lower lip as soon as she felt it start to shake.

"I just see Sam with you and Cas with Hannah" she said, "and you're both so beautiful and successful and strong, and then I see Dean with me and-" She took a deep breath and swallowed the lump that was rising in her throat. "-I'm afraid I'm just a phase for him. Like one day he's going to wake up and realize he wants to be with someone who knows more about life and, and sex and he's going to stop thinking that teaching me is a fun notch to add to his bedpost."

"Dean wouldn't be with you if he didn't actually like you, Alice," Jess said. "I've known him for over 15 years. He wouldn't just keep you around for kicks."

Alice shrugged like she didn't believe her -because she wasn't sure she did- and Jess took the wet clothes from her hands. "But if you're really worried about it," she said, "maybe try to take charge."

"Meaning?"

There was a soft knock on the bedroom door, and Jess called out, "Yeah?" The door opened and it was Hannah.

"The boys were wondering what was taking so long," she said with a playful eye roll. "I told them girls take longer to change."

"We were just chatting," Jess said. "Close the door." Hannah did, and Alice felt a little embarrassed. On the other hand, she wanted advice on how to better her relationship with Dean, and if that meant seeking advice from the council, she would do it.

"What's up?" Hannah asked.

"Alice feels like she needs to spice things up with Dean," Jess explained. Her wording made Alice cover her face with her hands. Hannah chuckled and moved them away. "I told her she should take charge," Jess continued, "and she asked what I mean."

"Right," Hannah said with a slow, understanding nod. "First things first, lingerie."

"Yes!" Jess said in agreement. "God, the first time I wore lingerie for Sam he lost it."

Alice could not fathom how they were so comfortable talking about sex. She wondered if she'd ever get to that point. She hoped she would. She admired their confidence.

"Okay," Alice said with a nod. She sat down on the edge of Jess and Sam's bed. Hannah and Jess stayed standing.

"How spicy are we talking?" Hannah asked.

"I don't know," Alice said, chewing on her thumbnail.

"What if you tied him up?" Jess asked.

"And blindfolded him," Hannah added. Alice blushed a deep shade of crimson.

"You think he would like that?" she asked.

"I think it'd be fun for both of you," Jess said. "The power you have when they're tied up and can't see you? There's seriously nothing like it."

"How would I tie him?" she asked.

"Okay," Jess said, sitting on the bed next to Alice as if the conversation was now too serious for standing, "I would make him sit in a chair and tie his hands behind his back with one of his ties. A tie can be used as a blindfold too."

"What do I do once he's tied up?" she asked. "And how do I even get him to agree to it?"

Jess and Hannah shared a look, and Hannah sat on Alice's other side. "Okay," Jess said. "Here's what I'd do."

When they left the bedroom, the men were all waiting impatiently in the living room. "Finally," Sam teased. "What took you ladies so long? What were you talking about in there?"

"Just how useless men are," Hannah said.

"Yup," Jess agreed. "We all decided to break up with you guys and hook up with each other."

"Can we watch?" Dean asked.

Alice rolled her eyes. When Hannah walked past her, she whispered, "It might not hurt to gag him, too," which made Alice laugh out loud. Dean looked at her quizzically, but Alice just gave him a soft smile.

"I could go for one more glass of wine," she said, looking at the girls.

"Sounds good," Jess said.

They all went to sit down on the couch, and as the others were briefly talking to each other, Dean pressed his lips just below Alice's ear. "Good girls don't keep secrets," he muttered. She licked her lips and shrugged before ghosting her lips over his ear.

"Maybe I don't want to be a good girl," she whispered. She thought -hoped even- that her words would taunt him into letting go a little bit like he would with any other girl. Instead, Dean just chuckled.

"Come on," he said. "You'll always be daddy's good girl."

"You two are insatiable," Cas said, popping the duo out of their bubble. Their words had been hushed, their lips forever close to each other's ears, but it didn't stop Alice from fearing the others had heard her. Realistically, she knew they hadn't. She quickly started up a conversation about something else, and the others followed suit. The only evidence that her conversation with Dean had happened at all was his hand gripping her thigh and that familiar needy feeling building up in her stomach.

-

For whatever reason, Alice didn't sleep well on Saturday. Dean had crashed almost as soon as he pulled out of her, but she just couldn't get to sleep. She tried not to toss and turn too much, but by 3:00, she couldn't lay there any longer. She prayed Dean wouldn't stir when she got up like he always did. She really had no idea why he was such a light sleeper, but something about the day -or night- before had clearly worn him out, because he didn't move a muscle despite the mattress dipping.

Alice grabbed her laptop from her bag and left the bedroom. She scribbled a note to Dean and headed up to the terrace. Once she sat on one of the couches, she crossed her legs and opened up her grad school application. The more she looked at it, the more she realized it was all crap. The problem was, she realized, she didn't have anything to say. It was as simple as that.

Why do you need this degree at this juncture in your life? Because I'm required to continue my education anyway, so I might as well get a master's degree while I'm racking up credits.

What are your short- and long-term career goals? To be able to financially support myself and not hate my job.

What are you most proud of?

She didn't even have a snarky remark for that one.

Did she even have a real reason to go to grad school? Had Greg really been right all along? Maybe it was just a waste of time.

She stared blankly at her computer screen, her eyes burning against the bright light. She wasn't sure why she thought working on the essay at 3:00 in the morning was a good idea. People thought a lot of dumb things when they were sleep deprived, she supposed.

"Okay," she said out loud to herself, "maybe you just need to talk this out." Sometimes, talking to herself was helpful. Mark said she got the habit from her dad. "There has to be a reason you chose behavior analysis. What did you tell Dean?"

She tried to remember the basics of what she had said to him and wrote it out:

Every behavior has an antecedent, a purpose, and a consequence. If I can study that, I can learn to change unwanted behaviors. Understanding people's behaviors helps us understand who they are. There's a reason one student attacks another when we're starting a specific lesson. The action serves a purpose. If I can understand that better, I can help the student more. When people talk about some students being troublemakers, they always assume they're violent or angry or loud or disruptive, but sometimes they're just the kids who don't see the world the same way we do. I want to help them, and make sure they know that just because their brains work a little bit differently doesn't mean they're hopeless.

Dean woke up around 5:30 and knew he had no chance of falling back asleep. He rolled over to reach out for Alice, only to furrow his eyebrows when he saw she wasn't there. He sighed and pushed himself out of bed, then walked over to his drawers to get out a pair of sweatpants, realizing the house was a little chilly. Alice wasn't in the bathroom, so he left the bedroom wing and walked to the living room. He didn't see her there either, but when he walked into the kitchen, he saw a note on the counter: On the roof

He furrowed his eyebrows and made his way to the elevator. When he got up, he saw Alice sitting on one of the couches, hunched over her laptop. The sun still hadn't risen yet, so the computer was the only thing lighting up her face. He could see her look of concentration, but her fingers were motionless on the keyboard. She must've noticed him staring, because she looked up at him. "Hey," she said, giving him a soft smile.

"What're you doing up here?" he asked, walking over to her and sitting beside her on the couch.

"I couldn't sleep," she said. His smile dropped a fraction.

"How long have you been up here?" he asked.

"What time is it?"

"Quarter to six."

"I came up here at three I think."

"Really?" he said. She shrugged. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said. "Like I said: just couldn't sleep. You on the other hand-" She said, looking up at him with a smile. "-slept like a rock last night." She scratched her nails lightly across his scruff.

"I haven't been sleeping well the last few days," he admitted to her.

"Why not?" she asked. He licked his lips with an embarrassed smile.

"I realized," he said softly, "that I don't sleep very well if you're not here."

"Aww," she teased. "You're so clingy!"

Dean chuckled and pulled Alice onto his lap. She put her laptop to the side and sat with her back against his chest. He kissed the top of her head, and she put her hands over his that were resting on her stomach. "Working on your essay?" he asked.

"Mhm," she hummed. "I didn't get very far though. I'm feeling blank about it all. I wrote, like, a paragraph, but it feels like garbage. I just don't have anything worthwhile to say." She sighed. "Maybe I'm not supposed to do this."

"Just let it sit for a while," Dean said.

"I've been letting it sit for ages," she said. "I keep moving it to the backburner like it doesn't matter. But it does. I really do care about it. So why can't I put that on paper?"

Dean kissed her cheek, and she turned to look at him. "You'll figure it out," he said. "I believe in you." She smiled, put her hand on his cheek, and gently kissed his lips. "Now," he said. "There's still two hours until the sunrise, but I'm down to wait so we can watch it."

"We could make breakfast first," she offered.

"Mm," Dean hummed. "A woman after my own heart."

----- ----- ----- -----

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[mittensmorgul]

Sorry if someone has already mentioned this, and if I’m reading into this incorrectly, but with Sam now being connected to God is it paralleling Dean’s connection to Amara? I feel stupid for asking, but I was just curious. Thank you!

Yep, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone mention it that explicitly yet, but yep.

I mean, we got a visual reminder of the Mark of Cain visibly on Amara in 15.02. That the physical mark that connected Amara and Dean. And in the same scene we got a visual reminder that it’s approximately in the same location as the wound now connecting Chuck and Sam. In the scene where Amara pointed out that Chuck has been weakened, that he’s no longer “whole,” and pointed out that fact was specifically due to this injury.

She even paralleled Chuck’s situation to the majority of her existence where he’d kept her locked away behind that Mark, and compared it directly to what Chuck’s experiencing now as a result of that wound-- literally a thing of his own making. He made that gun that Sam used to injure him.

Oddly enough, because I just wrote this thing about Chuck’s GoT comment about narrative structure and storytelling in Supernatural, this just makes me feel even MORE strongly that the story itself is reminding us over and over again just what a terrible author Chuck is.

And on every possible meta level, and every past incident where a Heaven-Aligned being attempted to force Dean into compliance, to present Fate and Destiny as something he had zero power to change-- every single time these characters have been proven wrong. And yet... Chuck has continued writing the stories that attempt to force TFW into compliance with his desired ending. It’s like he doesn’t know these characters at all, you know? And yet he keeps trying to force them to do His Will instead of their own. And the events of 14.20 were him SNAPPING because he couldn’t take yet another round of his desired tragic ending being foiled by his favorite characters.

Because Dean is clearly wrong in his assessment of what their lives have been and meant. Cas is right in that THEY are real. But Dean’s just feeling SO tragically cut adrift by the revelation that Chuck has literally been FORCING them into these situations over and over again, burying them in the burden of solving increasingly implausible situations only to have an even larger cosmic burden dropped on them. He’s questioning the fundamental foundation he’s built his self-identity on-- the notion that people, families, that HUMANITY ITSELF means something, and that his own choices have meant something in the grand scheme of things.

Their conversation in 15.02 is an interesting reversal of the conversation in 4.22 where Dean first convinced Cas to rebel:

CASTIEL: Try to understand -- this is long foretold. This is your...DEAN: Destiny? Don't give me that "holy" crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families -- that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?CASTIEL: What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.DEAN: You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it. (CASTIEL turns away) Look at me! (DEAN grabs CASTIEL’s shoulder and turns CASTIEL back to face him)You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible camp. Help me -- now. Please.CASTIEL: What would you have me do?DEAN: Get me to Sam. We can stop this before it's too late.CASTIEL: I do that, we will all be hunted. We'll all be killed.DEAN: If there is anything worth dying for... this is it.

And right now, I’ve got 6.17 on the TNT loop, and this also feels like another iteration of these big themes that the show has been pounding out for... ever... (reminder that this is after Sam and Dean wake up with reality restored, and Sam asks Cas if he actually killed 50,000 people to keep them safe, and Cas replies that they were never born, which is different than killing them all, so this is a pretty heavy convo and not something flippant):

DEAN Hold on. Uh...So, if you guys went a-and changed everything back, then that whole timeline or whatever, it just got erased?CASTIEL Yeah. More or less.DEAN Well, then, how come he and I remember it?CASTIEL Because I wanted you to remember it.SAM Why?CASTIEL I wanted you to know who Fate really is. She's cruel and capricious.DEAN I'd go so far as "bitch."CASTIEL Well, yeah. You're the ones who taught me that you can make your own destiny. You don't have to be ruled by fate. You can choose freedom. I still believe that that's something worth fighting for. I just wanted you to understand that.

Cas has been fighting Fate and Destiny for a long time, too. He’s been trying to choose Freedom for himself at least this long. THIS is as fundamental to his story going forward as it is to Sam and Dean’s.

And this Freedom is symbolized through Amara having earned her way free of confinement by Chuck, and now Chuck’s confinement represented in the Mark binding him to Sam.

We know that gun was designed to shoot “intent” rather than physical bullets, and that it affects the shooter and shoot-ee identically. So... it begs the question... what was Sam’s intent when he shot Chuck, and how is that manifesting in Chuck’s current state? And Sam’s?

I AM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT HOW SAM IS LITERALLY AFFECTING CHUCK FOR ONCE, INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

[vvivacious101]

Re-rewatching S04E22 - Lucifer Rising

My God, this episode is so good. I already knew I loved it but rewatching it always reminds me why that is the case. This one is phenomenal. Also, listening to the episode open with “Carry On My Wayward Son” gets me so emotional, because there is only one more episode left that is going to start that way.

There is so much happening. I loved the poetry of Lilith being the final seal. Lucifer dooms himself when he created her and now her death is his freedom.

Sam is on the highway to hell inn this one. How did I ever forget that he had demon eyes when he kills Lilith, like that is next level detailing. But it makes so much sense. We finally get to see Ruby for what she is. She is literally seen manipulating Sam in this one. She somehow changes Sam's voice mail and I can't believe I just realised this. I mean this is easily the third time I have viewed this episode and I still noticed so many new details. I can't help but wonder how she did it. Her closing the door was an obvious second, she definitely didn't want Dean interrupting. [Okay, I think it makes more sense to say that the angels are behind the phony voicemail. Dean records that messge while in the celestial green room and considering this is the only time he is able to reach Sam, when the other times he simply isn’t getting enough of a signal. It stands to reason that this is the angels manipulating events and doing their part to get the apocalypse started.]

Near the beginning of this episode we have Dean and Bobby and Bobby makes it clear he wants Dean to make amends with Sam. I liked how quickly they acknowledged that Dean's actions were basically John all those years and as Bobby says -

You... are a better man than your Daddy every was. So, you do both of us a favour. Don't be him.

And Dean listens he takes the first step towards that end but Ruby makes sure that doesn't work out at all.

"The Suite Life of Zach and Cas" - was so on point.

This episode lays the story bare, the angels never really wanted to stop Armageddon and Zachariah confesses as such to Dean which makes him realise just how right he was in keeping his distance from the angels.

But just when he thinks everything is done and over, Cas comes back. He comes back to apologise and the entire scene that follows is just so amazingly superb.

Cas: You can't reach him, Dean. You're outside your coverage zone.

Dean: What're you gonna do to Sam?

Cas: [sighs] Nothing. He's gonna do it to himself.

Dean: What's that supposed to mean?

[pause, Castiel looks down]

Dean: Oh right, right, gotta toe the company line. Why're you here, Cas?

Cas: We've been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted... to say, I'm sorry it ended like this.

Dean: [stares at him] Sorry?

[he punches Castiel in the face, turns away nursing his hand]

Dean: It's Armageddon, Cas, you need a bigger word than "sorry"!

Cas: Try to understand, this is long foretold. This is your...

Dean: Destiny? Don't gimme that holy crap. Destiny, God's plan, it's all a bunch of lies, you poor stupid sonofabitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People. Families. *That's* real. And you're gonna watch 'em all burn?

Cas: [Advancing] What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here! I see inside you, I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.

[he looks away, but Dean leans slightly, catching his eyes again]

Dean: You can take your peace, and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain, and the guilt, I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than bein' some Stepford Bitch in paradise! This is simple, Cas!

[Castiel turns away]

Dean: No more crap about bein' a good soldier, there is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it!

[grabs Castiel and spins him back around]

Dean: Look at me! You *know* it! Now you were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this before they dragged you back to Bible Camp. Help me, now. *Please!*

Cas: [pained] What would you have me do?

Dean: Get me to Sam, we can stop this before it's too late!

Cas: I do that, we will all be hunted. We'll *all* be killed!

Dean: [earnestly] If there is anything worth dyin' for, this is it.

[pause, Castiel slowly shakes his head, looks away]

Dean: [angry] You spineless, *soulless* sonofabitch. What do you care about dyin', you're already dead. We're done.

Cas: [pleading] Dean...

Dean: We're *done*!

The dialogues, oh my God. This is it, this is the moment when Cas puts everything on the line and makes the decision to fall because Dean convinces him.

There is this moment at the very end of this conversation where Cas had this look and its a look that speaks to me. There is this depth of emotion to it that is probably indecipherable to Cas himself but its clear what Dean's words mean to him and in this moment the one thing that is clear is that Cas will do absolutely anything for Dean.

[Castiel appears, slams Dean against the wall with a hand over his mouth and pulls out a knife. Castiel stares hard at Dean, who nods slightly. Castiel takes his hand off Dean's mouth, bares an arm and cuts himself, uses the blood to draw a sigil on the wall]

Zachariah: [appearing suddenly] Castiel! Would you mind explaining just what the Hell you're doing?

[he advances threateningly; Castiel slams his palm onto the sigil; Zachariah vanishes in a flash of light]

Cas: He won't be gone long. We have to find Sam now.

Dean: Where is he?

Cas: [handing Dean the knife] I don't know, but I know who does. We have to stop him, Dean. From killing Lilith.

Dean: But Lilith's gonna break the final seal!

Cas: Lilith *is* the final seal! She dies, the End begins!

The "we are making it up as we go". That entire moment was so good.

Dean: [reading Chuck's prophetic story] St. Mary's, what is that, a convent?

Chuck: Yeah, but you guys aren't supposed to be there. You're not in this story!

Cas: Yeah well, we're making it up as we go.

But in hindsight its even better cause just before he says this line Chuck clearly states you aren't stopped to be here. This was never the plan but now it is happening. It doesn't even matter that it was unsuccessful, this very moment is the foundation to a relationship that was the very first roadblock on the path to destiny and it may have lost the battle but it will win the War.

[vinylackles]

14x18 destiel coda: reflexes

I am upsetti spaghetti... so here u go. CONTAINS MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR 14x18!!!

word count: 1.9k

Sam’s reaction was a reflex. He knew Dean better than anyone, and he knew how he got when he was upset. He lashed out, he yelled, he broke things, broke people. So when Cas felt him put a hand out, felt it hit his chest and stop him from crossing in front of the flames, he wasn’t angry. He knew Sam was just trying to protect him, like he always did. 

But Cas didn’t need protecting. Not from this. Not from Dean.

So he raised a hand, gently placing it over Sam’s. He squeezed Sam’s fingers slightly, a silent reassurance. Sam squeezed back, like a child might when they were uncertain, or scared. It pained Cas a bit to let him go, but he knew that Sam was processing. And he also knew that Dean was not. So he let go of Sam and moved in front of him, the heat from the flames of the pyre soaking through his coat as he started towards Dean.

The hunter’s gaze didn’t waver from the flames licking at the wood, though Cas knew he could see him approach. Dean’s body was set, his feet planted in a bit of a fighting position. It was subconscious, Cas was sure. He was preparing for battle - a battle against himself, and his greatest enemy. His grief. The angel had seen this progression before, when Dean experienced loss. First came the anger, then came what he called the shut down. No one was allowed in to help, and nothing was allowed out. Emotional expression was not a Winchester expertise after all. 

Then came vengeance. Cas tried not to think about it, think about how he knew Dean was already thinking of 10,000 ways to kill Jack, and that he could do any of them if he really wanted to. He shook the thoughts from his mind, moving to stand beside Dean.

He tested it, reached out to let his fingers brush against Dean’s, as they usually did before Dean’s scarred hand wrapped around his own and held it. The feeling of their skin together was familiar. They did this in the impala, one of Dean’s hands always resting on the empty leather between them, a silent offering. They did this in the middle of the night, after a nightmare. When Dean’s breathing had settled, and he’d moved from clinging to Cas back to his more comfortable sleeping position (on his tummy, face buried in a pillow), he’d always leave one hand intertwined with his lover’s. A reminder, that Cas was there, and if Cas was there that meant he was safe. They did this in diners, when they would roll through a more liberal town where two men holding hands didn’t turn so many heads - those towns were Cas’ favorite. They’d done this only a few weeks prior, watching the bodies of the slain hunters burn on pyres just like this one.

Caught in his memories, it took him a moment to process Dean’s movement. Their fingers had grazed, and Cas had grabbed, but all he caught was a finger. He released it as Dean jerked his hand away, stuffing it quickly into his jacket pocket.

That was something they never did.

Cas felt eyes on him and looked over to see Sam, a look of I told you so written on his face. It wasn’t malevolent; it was only filled with sadness. Dean had begun his shut down, so Cas took a deep breath and moved one step to the right, his dress shoes kicking up a bit of the ash that was raining down around them.

He didn’t reach for Dean’s hand again, though his fingers tingled with want. Instead, he moved just close enough to let his shoulder press up against Dean’s. A reminder that he was there, he would always be there. He assumed it was against his will when he felt the hunter relax, albeit slightly, against him. A reflex; his body remembering who Cas was, even if Dean didn’t want it to. 

So they stood there in silence, shoulder to shoulder, watching as the rest of Mary’s remains burned. The flames were still flickering when the sun began to set. Sam had been crying, a mixture of his grief and the ash that had taken over the air. He’d coughed through it, unwilling to leave his brother’s side.

Dean hadn’t showed a single sign of discomfort. Nothing. He was being strong, strong for his mother, like he always had been. He wouldn’t, he couldn’t waver. Not now. 

When the sky had given way to black, Dean had been the first to turn away from the embers. The day was done. There was nothing more they could do. Sam jumped when Dean touched his shoulder, turning him away from the pyre, guiding his baby brother back to the car, back home. Cas followed silently, sliding into the passenger seat without a word as the impala’s engine roared to life and Dean drove her, under the speed limit for once, back to the bunker. The car was silent besides the sniffles that Sam was trying to hide. 

Silence was one of the first lines of Winchester defense; Cas had learned that a long time ago. So he was unsurprised when they remained silent on the way into the bunker, and that they parted ways with no words shared. Cas knew where he would find Sam later when he checked on him. He’d been on his bed, with the pictures from his memory box either on the duvet or on the nightstand beside him. And he knew where he would find Dean as well - at the bottom of a bottle. 

He couldn’t let him do that, not tonight. He couldn’t let him shut it out. It would be too hard on him in the morning, when he had that one moment of thinking it was all some drunken dream. So when he saw Dean disappear down the hallway to their room, he followed him.

He didn’t say anything until the door shut behind them.

“Get out Cas.” His voice was scraggly, and Cas wasn’t sure if it was from the ash or from the tears he was holding back. 

“No.” His tone was neutral, but Dean still fumed back at him. Cas braced. 

“I’m not having this conversation right now. I’m not talking about it, I’m not gonna sit here and cry on your fucking shoulder, or whatever the hell it is you want from me. It’s not happening. Now get. Out.” 

He knew that anything he said would be twisted, turned back against him in a malicious way, so he stayed silent, waiting. 

“What the hell do you want from me?!” Dean yelled, anger bubbling. He saw the step, Dean’s tell, and he set his feet. 

One thing Dean loved about having an angel boyfriend was the fact that he was so solid. Cas could use his grace to make himself as light as a feather, but he could also use it to make himself sturdy, strong enough to hold Dean up, to hold Dean together, to become a ton of solid stone.

So when Dean strode across the room and shoved at Cas’ shoulders, he didn’t budge. Well, he flinched. But that was for two reasons. One, because no matter how much he loved him, no matter how much he trusted him, Dean Winchester coming at you angry was always something to be afraid of. He could put Cas down in a heartbeat if he wanted. But that was the other reason he flinched too. Because Dean’s shove wasn’t as hard as it could have been, as hard as it should have been. Even in his darkest time, his darkest moments, Dean never really wanted to hurt Cas. And that was enough. 

“I don’t want anything from you Dean,” said Cas, voice steady. “I just want you to let me be here with you.”

“I don’t want you here!” Dean yelled, roaring anger raising his voice. He knew Sam could hear it echoing in the bunker halls. 

“I know. But I love you, so I’m going to stay,” Cas said quietly, the pain on his lover’s face making his heart break. Dean was falling apart.

He roared again, and Cas couldn’t make out the words as the man lunged for him. He held his ground, feeling Dean’s fists beat against his chest, his shoulders. They would leave no bruises on him.

He tried to shove past, to get out of the room, but Cas caught him, finally shifting, pulling him into his arms. Dean fought it for a moment, but his yells turned to sobs that turned to whimpers as he collapsed, letting Cas hold all his weight as he lulled against his shoulder.

“She’s gone. I lost her. Again.” His voice was small. A boy’s. 

“I know honey. I know.”

The sobs continued, ragged ones that sounding like they were being pulled out with hooks. When Dean tried to compose himself enough to speak, Cas had to cup his face, run his thumbs along his freckled cheekbones to calm him enough to get a breath in.

“Stay. Please. I’m sorry for what I said.” Dean was pleading, and only then did Cas remember his words from earlier. You’re dead to me. They seemed like a distant memory.

“You were already forgiven. I love you. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.” Cas would repeat that mantra forever if it always brought the look of relief to Dean’s face that followed. 

Dean only nodded, throat thick with tears. Cas kissed his temple, holding him still. He only moved when Dean’s knees started to shake, the exhaustion setting in. 

“Let’s get you to bed.”

Panic returned to Dean’s eyes, only for a moment. As Cas knew, nights after a death were always terrible for Dean. The nightmares were vicious, and inevitable. Dean looked so vulnerable, and it was so rare that Cas found it somewhat beautiful, even in the pain it caused him. 

“I’ll be right beside you. I’ll keep them away.” And he didn’t care how much grace it took, he would stay up all night with a finger pressed to Dean’s temple, bringing him peaceful dreams. 

After they got stripped down to boxers, never wavering more than a few inches from each other, they climbed into bed. Dean landed on top of Cas, pressing his body to him every where he could, physical reassurance trying to chase out his fears. 

“I love you” were the only words Cas could say, even though he knew they weren’t enough. Dean reached around, searching the sheets until he found Cas’ hand, holding it tightly in his own, anchoring himself as the toll of the day took over. 

And as he slept, Cas knew what he would show him. He wouldn’t create anything new - no, Dean had had enough change for the day. Instead, he would show him a memory, something he’d seen just the day before.

Mary Winchester’s heaven. He’d only seen it for a moment, but it had been enough. There had been a dinner table in the middle of the room, a grand meal set out. At one head was Sam, the other Jack, both of them laughing and carefree. Mary sat next to John on one side, beaming over their family.

And across from them, with wide smiles, were Cas and Dean, hands intertwined under the table.

[wormstacheangel]

Since your last post implied it I would love to know about your AU recommendations ❤ I am obsessed too!! Thanks in advance 🙏🏻

hello! I hope you don’t mind if I just make a basic list of some of the AU stories I have read or want to read. Not in any order I just went through my bookmarks on AO3 :) Also I need to read more...Under the cut because it got too long! 

Angel's Wild (not gonna lie this is my favorite fic. I have read this almost a dozen times now)

Summary: But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels. 

Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God, protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right? 

That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Checked Out

Summary:  Castiel Novak can think of many writers who would not be welcome under the roof of Heaven’s Gate library, where he is the librarian: Ayn Rand ranks highly (no explanation needed), as does Charles Dickens (he hasn’t forgiven Charles for the month he lost to The Pickwick Papers). And, of course, Dean Winchester. Dean Winchester, local author and obvious a-hole, who is entirely too handsome to be true and who is clearly totally lacking in profundity, intelligence, sincerity, and self-awareness. Unfortunately, though, Dean’s been invited to do a book signing at Heaven’s Gate - and Castiel’s about to be confronted by some unexpected feelings when he finally meets Dean for the first time.

A Ghost Story

Summary:  Castiel Novak has haunted his family's estate for 150 years, awaiting the return of his lost love. Upon their reunion, Dean Winchester learns of his past reincarnation. After the night of Castiel's resurrection, the two try to find out why they've been given a second chance. The answers may be hidden in the forgotten memories of Dean's former life - but sometimes the truth is better left buried.

Patient Love

Summary: Castiel Novak is 27 when he suddenly loses his twin brother Jimmy, and his whole world turns to ashes. How do you deal with losing half of yourself when your whole life always revolved around the two of you, like yin and yang and black and white? How do you deal with a broken soul and old demons looming over you with no one to hold you back anymore?

After 10 years as a Navy Special Warfare Operator and more than a dozen deployments in both Afghanistan and Iraq, a battlefield injury forces 28-year-old Chief Petty Officer Dean Winchester to chose between being stuck behind a desk for the rest of his career or going back to civil life. When he learns about his friend Jimmy’s death, Dean makes his way back to Kansas with his heart in his throat and broken pieces at his feet.

Things are already complicated and painful enough as it is, but when former lovers Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak meet again after 10 years of radio silence and a galaxy of wounds and scars solidly standing between them, it feels like both a curse and a blessing has been placed on them both. Is there any hope in putting back their broken pieces together after a decade, and how do you deal with grief and broken dreams?

The Unbroken

Summary: Dean’s life had been made of running. He ran from a curse that had desolated his life ever since he was a child — whenever he got hurt, he turned into a goddamn human-torch, killing everyone around him — and he ran from himself and his own self-loathing.

But managing all that at the end of a world full of Croats lurking around every corner was easier said than done.

Until a mysterious man with tousled dark hair paired with blue eyes as clear as the sky during a hot summer’s day stopped him from free falling, literally. In one fell swoop, the stranger had not only saved his life but also calmed the wildfire threatening to burn everything in its wake.

There was something about Castiel that made Dean want to stop running but also hid something darker — something Dean couldn’t quite put his finger on. And between soft, pillowy lips and feather-like fingerprints, Cas could very well shatter Dean’s world and maybe help save the whole world in return.

While You Were Sleeping

Summary:  A Destiel version of While You Were Sleeping! Castiel is alone and floundering. He has a crush on one of the passengers who passes through his subway station every morning. When the man gets pushed onto the tracks, Cas saves him. But when they get to the hospital there's a mix up and Cas finds himself engaged to a complete stranger. Enter, the rest of the family, including big brother Dean. How will Cas navigate the relationship with his supposed future in-laws? What will he do when Sam finally wakes up? And why can't he stop thinking about Dean?

Purgatory, director's cut

Summary: this doesn’t have a summary but it is dean and cas in purgatory and it’s soooo cool! I promise it’s amazing and worth the read!

Basic Lessons in First Aid, Magical or Otherwise

Summary: Most people probably wouldn’t take the naked, heavily wounded man they found in an alley home with them. Most people probably wouldn’t also offer that man a place to stay and become his best friend after realizing he’s suffering from an intense case of post-traumatic retrograde amnesia. Most people probably wouldn’t then risk almost everything they know to save said man, and maybe save the world in the process.

But then again, Dean Winchester, RN (with a specialty in supernatural care), has never been like most people. He may not have a magical bone in his body, unlike his brother Sam, but he’ll do whatever it takes to help. Even if Castiel has questionable opinions about Star Trek.

What Greater Gift

Summary: Story idea: The most wanted woman in town has announced that she’ll only marry the one who can open her front door with the key around her cat’s neck. Many men try to hunt the cat down, chase and trap it, but to no avail, the cat is simply too quick, smart and clever, and always finds a way to evade and avoid them. You are the first one to figure out the obvious: Do not chase the cat. The cat is befriendable. Get the cat to trust you, to genuinely enjoy your company, and you can hang out with the cat. You may eventually be allowed to touch the cat. The cat will freely let you take the key.

From a prompt found on Tumblr. Saw this and I couldn't resist a Destiel AU, and I've been wanting to write Witch!Cas for ages.

I know when you go down all your darkest roads

Summary: Dean and Castiel go undercover as a couple going through therapy, in order to catch a monster that specifically targets couples dealing with issues, feeding on their distress, anger, and pain.

They end up going through a lot more than a case, unfolding feelings left untold for so long, discovering parts of each other they never intended to uncover.

But will the feelings raging inside them be enough to bring their walls down?

A Fish Out of Water

Summary: To tie up the loose ends of a hunt, Dean is forced to go undercover and visit Brock Pleasure Ranch, a horrifying establishment that markets its inhabitants to people with ‘monstrous’ tastes.

It should have been a simple thing, to persuade a mer to give him a few scales for a spell. All part of the usual Winchester byline: saving people, hunting things.

But Castiel is far less of a ‘thing’ than Dean expected. He might not be human, but he’s definitely a person. And that means he needs saving, too.

The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Chlamydia

Summary: Dean doesn't expect to see his one night stand again, but then again he also doesn't expect to find out he has an STD. Sometimes life is hilarious like that.

Just as lost as I

Summary: Dean's been in love with Castiel for centuries. He keeps it buried, never letting himself get too close, but when Castiel goes missing he doesn't hesitate. He's going to find him if it’s the last thing he ever does.

Love Bites

Summary: Cas Novak graduated with a 4.0 in Mathematics, but not even Naomi Novak’s money could help him at job interviews. Anxious and dissatisfied with life, at nearly thirty he’s still washing dishes in the back of his best friend Hannah’s café.Until one night when his cat drags an injured bat into his apartment.

Dean may be a vampire, but he’s not an asshole (well, not much.) He feels like he owes the awkward guy for rescuing him from the cat’s clutches, so he sets about changing Cas's life.

A silly story about families who aren’t quite what they seem, fake boyfriends, and falling in love with someone who’s never, technically, met you.

The Bad Cop, Worse Cop Adventures of Freckles and Feathers

Summary: Miami. A place with beaches, babes, palm trees, and a growing drug-fueled crime organization. To help combat the drugs littering the streets, Captain Singer puts together a Tactical Narcotics Team composed of Miami's two finest and fearless officers. Charming casanova Dean Winchester has fought tooth and nail, rising through the ranks for this position. Trench coat toting Castiel Novak knows more hand-to-hand combative techniques than he does people skills. Between Dean's big mouth and Castiel's take-no-shit attitude, their introductory meeting ends on a less than stellar note and a couple of hard to shake nicknames.

After six months of partnership, the nicknames have stuck and so has the sexual tension. When a murder in the middle of the night launches their biggest lead on a cleverly evasive drug lord, Dean is shocked to find Sam at the center of it. Sam comes clean with his involvement and Charlie, their witness, seeks revenge against the man responsible for killing her friend. As the stakes rise higher so do Dean’s feelings putting everything in jeopardy. Is a cop with everything to prove, a cop with everything to lose, one computer hacker witness, and a damn good ADA enough to save the day?

The Care and Feeding of Castiel

Summary: Dean’s quiet time in the bunker is interrupted by some stranger-than-usual behavior from his angel. Oh, and feathers...there are a lot of those, too.

First Gentleman Wanted

Summary:  President of the United States Castiel Novak is popular, charismatic, and knee-deep in campaigning for a second term. He’d be the ideal candidate if it weren’t for the fact that he hasn’t dated once while in political office. With his opponent’s relentless PR team calling him incapable of emotional commitment, Castiel’s staff decides to remedy the situation by finding their boss a fake, picture-perfect boyfriend. And when Dean Winchester enters the scene, he and Cas become America’s new favorite couple, except they’ve got a whole lot of history between them and complicated feelings to resolve.

The Graveyard Shift

Summary: Dean’s favourite coffee shop, The Graveyard Shift, is only open after the sun goes down. Which is perfect for him, because that’s exactly when he craves coffee the most while doing the overnight at the fire hall. The coffee shop’s owner is pretty perfect too, but it’s kind of a bummer that Dean never gets to see Cas during the day. In a world where the supernatural live more or less in peace with the rest of humanity, it’s a little impolite to ask Cas just what he really is - or what his dark past entails.

The Path of Fireflies

Summary: After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Summary: Heaven is white.Well. Isn’t that fucking stereotypical.-Dean isn’t really sure how he got here. Or even why he’s here. And hell, for all the times the Winchesters have died, he thinks he ought to know the drill by now. But what he doesn’t know is when most folks go, they find something different.

There’s a system God put in place. That when you’re gone (for good), there are a couple things you gotta do first. There are five people waiting for you.

They are the five people you meet in heaven.

Doing this made me realize I need to read more longer fics. I usually just read the short ficlets on tumblr but I need to broaden my horizon and read more. But yes! These are the AU’s currently in my bookmarks. Hope you find one to enjoy :)

[norahastuff]

SAM, DEAN, JOHN - NOW WHAT?

by the @the1unwanted1one

I need someone to talk about how Sam and Dean dealing with their Daddy issues is A VERY BIG DEAL, because the entire show WAS about how the brothers had to face their emotionally and physically abusive father and more than hunting I think them facing together against their father bonded them, maybe not at the start , but eventually, and after his death, they faced the consequences of being turned into hunters and they face their toxic codependency because of John and the entire show was somewhere always about , they are hunters and their life sucks -cause of dad, and even if they grew up hunters John was an abusive father and they had to face the consequences, so now SAM AND DEAN HAVE ACCEPTED THEIR LIFE AS IT IS AND HAVE FORGIVEN SAM , took them 14 years of the show but they did it, ( i am not saying it is a bad thing, it is a good thing a very good thing , my babies have a little piece and I love that, but ….. I feel like ………now what?? where is the show going to go from now? why did they close two extremely significant plot lines ??? is the show going to end because they have resolved the biggest problem of the show, (that they have made peace with being hunters?) or is the show really going to go on with them okay with being hunters? and if the show is going to continue am I going to like it because I feel like this is a VERY big change, and it is going to change son drastically so now what? and what if they are closing the plot lines because they are preparing for the ending, and it scares me.

@the1unwanted1one submitted this to me to weigh in on,  and it raises some very interesting points. The Ghost of John Winchester, as many have dubbed it, has been looming over the brothers for almost the entirety of the show. John’s actions when they were children, in regards to hunting and his treatment of Sam and Dean, was all determined by his single minded need to avenge Mary’s death. To find the thing that killed her and make it pay. But in the process his anger and pain twisted him into the kind of person who inflicted more than a lifetime’s worth of trauma on both of his children.

And for what? He led by example showing his children that love meant not being able to function when the person you cared about was gone. That it meant devoting your entire life to avenging them, regardless of how many people got hurt and neglected in the process, even if it was your children. Anger and Single minded revenge - that’s love. But that’s not where it ended.

Yes he played a huge role in fostering some of the more unhealthy aspects of Sam and Dean’s relationship. He neglected his role as a father, and forced Dean to step in and take over, but when he did give Dean instructions on how to do this, things got much worse. Take care of Sammy, that was Dean’s mission his whole life. He was his father’s soldier and his blunt little instrument. The mission was drilled into his head and he knew how to follow instructions. John repeats those words just before he dies as well. He gives Dean two options, take care of Sammy and save him, or if you fail at that, kill him. It puts all of the responsibility for whatever happens to Sam, on Dean’s shoulders.

John’s final act before he died was also a demonstration of love. He sold his soul to a demon, damned himself to eternal torture to save his son’s life - because that’s love. One final lesson from his father that Dean internalises and takes as a blueprint for how to deal with the death of a loved one.

All that pain, all the suffering that John has been experiencing and inflicting on others, from the moment Mary died…and then suddenly he’s plucked from that world and brought to 2019. To a world where his sons are grown up, living a much different life than he could ever imagine for them, and the kicker? Mary’s alive. The person who’s death changed him so irrevocably, is no longer dead. 

What becomes very clear as the episode goes on, is that John’s influence is no longer important to the story anymore. John trains Dean his whole life to follow orders? Dean becomes the ultimate proponent of free will and defying orders. He spent his whole life on a quest to avenge Mary’s death? Mary’s not dead anymore. He believed the best way to survive as a hunter was to live on the road, never stay in one place too long and never form attachments? Sam and Dean live in the bunker, in a town where everyone knows their name, with their best friend and a son the three of them have adopted together. 

I think both Sam and Dean had mostly let go of John, pretty gradually over the course of the show, and what I think ep 300 did remarkably well, was show Dean coming to this very realisation. That this life and family that he’d built for himself was his and not something John had any part in creating. That his story was no longer defined by the sins of the father. You’re right that’s absolutely huge. Getting to this point has been a long, rocky journey, but that moment of realisation Dean has in 300 is most certainly cathartic. 

Ok sorry that was a ton of rambling just to get to the actual question you’ve posed, is the show going to drastically change? My 2c? I don’t think any emotional growth happens drastically on Spn. The “not letting John’s influence affect the way they choose to live their lives” has been a very long process, and neither of them got there in one dramatic moment, I mean Dean’s even been quoting Elsa from Frozen and I can’t even remember the last time he complained that his coffee cup wasn’t manly enough (I do remember, it was 10x06 :L) . They’ve been in the process of letting go for a while now, especially Dean, who always allowed John, both when he was alive and after he was dead, to dictate his behaviour and attitude. The big difference now is Dean realised he was no longer beholden to John and that he had already mostly let him go, and freed himself of the last part of him that was still clinging to his old role as Daddy’s blunt little instrument.

In regards to seeing results in the near future? This changes things for their overall character arcs, it changes their motivations somewhat (again mostly Dean) and what I’m really hoping for, is that it changes their relationship to each other. That since it’s no longer “take care of Sammy” but “take care of each other”, we’re finally going to get to a place where we see their relationship on a more equal footing. Where it’s not “Dean sacrifices everything for Sammy” but instead they work together so he doesn’t have to suffer for eternity. We’re in the middle of somewhat of a reiteration of season 10, and having this realisation that they have a family that’s not just them, that their father’s ghost no longer has any control over them, that his instructions to only rely on each other no longer apply, makes me hopeful that the way to deal with the Michael situation will follow a much less toxic “screw everyone in the world but us”/”we both have to die to keep the world safe” (God the toxic aspects of their relationship were really laid bare in that 10x23 scene) approach than they took to removing the Mark of Cain.

If we’re talking endgame character arcs? That is something only the writers know because it depends entirely on the kind of ending they want Spn and Sam, Dean and Cas to have.

[analyzingdestiel]

DESTIEL REVIEW 4x22: Lucifer Rising

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************** SCENE 1

ZACHARIAH we'll do our job. You just make sure you do yours.

DEAN Yeah, and what is that, exactly? If I'm supposed to be the one that stops her, how? With the knife?

ZACHARIAH All in good time.

DEAN Isn't now a good time?

ZACHARIAH Have faith.

DEAN What, in you? Give me one good reason why I should.

ZACHARIAH (getting in DEAN'S face) Because you swore your obedience. So obey.

DEAN looks past him at CASTIEL, who looks down guiltily.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

DESTIEL REVIEW FOR SCENE 1

ZACHARIAH (getting in DEAN'S face) Because you swore your obedience. So obey.

DEAN looks past him at CASTIEL, who looks down guiltily.

We were told in a previous episode that Zachariah is basically Castiel's "boss". So I feel he is one of the ones who "ass-reamed" Castiel and made him so fearful.

In 4x21, Castiel had Dean swear to be of assistance to God and the angels and Dean agreed.

In this scene here, Castiel becomes guilty after Zachariah makes clear that Castiel manipulated Dean. It was not manipulation outright because Dean made the choice, but perhaps Dean wasn't aware of what it meant to swear it. Castiel shows obvious guilt. This is a big change from previous episodes where we were questioning whether or not Castiel was capable of feeling. It's clear now that he does feel, especially where Dean is concerned.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************** SCENE 2

DEAN is frustrated. He pokes at one of the numerous figurines on one of the many mantle pieces and tips it deliberately to the ground. It shatters with a crash just as CASTIEL appears behind him. He turns around, looking slightly guilty.

CASTIEL You asked to see me?

DEAN (clears throat) Yeah, listen, I, uh, I-I need something.

CASTIEL Anything you wish.

DEAN I need you to take me to see Sam.

CASTIEL Why?

DEAN There's something I got to talk to him about.

CASTIEL What's that?

DEAN (sarcastic) The B.M. I took this morning. What's it to you? Just make it snappy.

CASTIEL I don't think that's wise.

DEAN Well, I didn't ask you for your opinion.

CASTIEL Have you forgotten what happened the last time you met?

DEAN No. That's the whole point. Listen, I'm gonna do whatever you mooks want, okay? I just need to tie up this one thing. Five minutes -- that's all I need.

CASTIEL No.

DEAN What do you mean, no? Are you saying that I'm trapped here?

CASTIEL You can go wherever you want.

DEAN Super. I want to go see Sam.

CASTIEL Except there.

DEAN I want to take a walk.

CASTIEL Fine. I'll go with you.

DEAN Alone.

CASTIEL No.

DEAN You know what? Screw this noise. I'm out of here.

He heads for the door.

CASTIEL Through what door?

DEAN turns to face him, frowning. When he turns back, the door has been replaced by a smooth wall. He turns back to face CASTIEL, who has also disappeared.

DEAN Damn it.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************************

DESTIEL REVIEW FOR SCENE 2

DEAN (clears throat) Yeah, listen, I, uh, I-I need something.

CASTIEL Anything you wish.

It's not a big moment but the moment was there none the less. Castiel seemed quite happy to be able to "assist" Dean. "Anything you wish."

DEAN What do you mean, no? Are you saying that I'm trapped here?

CASTIEL You can go wherever you want.

DEAN Super. I want to go see Sam.

CASTIEL Except there.

DEAN I want to take a walk.

CASTIEL Fine. I'll go with you.

DEAN Alone.

CASTIEL No. DEAN You know what? Screw this noise. I'm out of here.

He heads for the door.

CASTIEL Through what door?

DEAN turns to face him, frowning. When he turns back, the door has been replaced by a smooth wall. He turns back to face CASTIEL, who has also disappeared.

DEAN Damn it.

This scene is humorous. Dean's trying very hard to convince Castiel to let him leave alone. Castiel is not so foolish. The way this scene was filmed made it funny. They do seem to have some humorous interactions at points which is important. The way they go head-to-head is amusing and a lot of couples are often portrayed in this way for the sake of entertainment. Couples like this are often shipped together because it's, quite simply, entertaining.

This sort of interaction is not limited to lovers, though it does happen very often in television with married couples in particular. Though, again, it is not limited to. And obviously the two are not married but they can be perceived in a way that would remind one of a married couple which I suppose would be in favor of the pairing, rather than against it.

Though this was not funny for either of them; in fact, for them, it was frustrating. I don't sense love at this point, but instead, irritation. But, even canon couples become irritated with one another. As I said, romantic couples often have it quite rough because it makes things interesting for the viewers. So them being irritated at one another wouldn't take away from how believable the pairing is; if anything it might add to how believable it is, depending on the situation. After all, the goal isn't to determine whether or not they have a perfect relationship, but whether or not they are in love with each other.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

SCENE 3

DEAN is attempting to call SAM again. He dials the phone, but hears only static. CASTIEL appears behind him.

CASTIEL You can't reach him, Dean. You're outside your coverage zone.

DEAN What are you gonna do to Sam?

CASTIEL Nothing. He's gonna do it to himself.

DEAN What's that supposed to mean? (CASTIEL looks down) Oh, right, right. Got to toe the company line. Why are you here, Cas?

CASTIEL We've been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it ended like this.

DEAN "Sorry"? (he punches CASTIEL, who hardly flinches. DEAN flexes his hand in pain.) It's Armageddon, Cas. You need a bigger word than "sorry."

CASTIEL Try to understand -- this is long foretold. This is your...

DEAN Destiny? Don't give me that "holy" crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families -- that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?

CASTIEL What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.

DEAN You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it. (CASTIEL turns away) Look at me!

(DEAN grabs CASTIEL’s shoulder and turns CASTIEL back to face him)

You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible camp. Help me -- now. Please.

CASTIEL What would you have me do?

DEAN Get me to Sam. We can stop this before it's too late.

CASTIEL I do that, we will all be hunted. We'll all be killed.

DEAN If there is anything worth dying for... this is it. (CASTIEL shakes his head and looks down) You spineless... (DEAN turns and walks away) …soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You're already dead. We're done.

CASTIEL Dean --

DEAN We're done!

DEAN turns to look behind him, but CASTIEL has disappeared.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

DESTIEL REVIEW FOR SCENE 3

DEAN What's that supposed to mean? (CASTIEL looks down) Oh, right, right. Got to toe the company line. Why are you here, Cas?

CASTIEL We've been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it ended like this.

"We've been through much together, you and I". He did not have to say this to make his apology. He could have left it at "I just wanted to say, I'm sorry it ended like this." But he deliberately brought attention to their relationship and time spent together before he did apologize. This goes to show you that Castiel did and does feel connected to Dean and that he wishes things had been different. That's significant.

CASTIEL Try to understand -- this is long foretold. This is your...

DEAN Destiny? Don't give me that "holy" crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families -- that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?

CASTIEL What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.

Ah so he does indeed see inside Dean. He can read and feel Dean. More proof of that. This is not romantic though it is very intimate, the fact that Castiel penetrates Dean in this sort of way, even if it is not sexual in nature. He feels all that Dean feels.

This statement also proves that Castiel wants Dean to be at peace.

It also proves that Dean does feel bad for Castiel “you poor, stupid son of a bitch!”

DEAN You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it. (CASTIEL turns away) Look at me!

(DEAN grabs CASTIEL’s shoulder and turns CASTIEL back to face him)

Dean knows that Castiel knows what's right. Dean knows he just has to persuade him. We see here that Castiel is very anxious and he seems to be afraid that Dean will indeed persuade him, which is why he initially turned away. Dean IS his weakness. I feel it helps Castiel not to look at Dean, almost like he disconnects from Dean. But Dean forced him to reconnect. This scene here is a big one where the pairing is concerned because it does highlight the fact that Dean is Castiel's weakness.

DEAN You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible camp. Help me -- now. Please.

The fact that Castiel was going to risk telling Dean all of this is important. He was going to disobey for Dean.

CASTIEL What would you have me do?

DEAN Get me to Sam. We can stop this before it's too late.

CASTIEL I do that, we will all be hunted. We'll all be killed.

Here Castiel makes it clear that he's not just concerned with his own life; apparently theirs, as well. So not only does he follow Heaven's orders for his own sake, but for Dean and Sam's sake, which is good to know. Sam is always included though it's obvious to most that Dean comes before Sam, for Castiel. Castiel and Sam don't have much of a bond. Honestly Castiel was willing to put Sam in danger and one has to wonder if he'd have allowed Dean to go against Lilith if roles were reversed. Something tells me that if Dean were in Sam's place, Castiel would have disobeyed sooner.

DEAN If there is anything worth dying for... this is it. (CASTIEL shakes his head and looks down) You spineless... (DEAN turns and walks away) …soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You're already dead. We're done.

Hmm this statement is interesting to analyze. "What do you care about dying? You're already dead". It makes me wonder if Castiel is less concerned with his own "death" and has been more concerned with Dean's all the while.

CASTIEL Dean --

DEAN We're done!

DEAN turns to look behind him, but CASTIEL has disappeared.

Here Castiel tries to defend himself. Even though everything is going according to Heaven's plans, and there's not much more Castiel has been ordered to do where Dean is concerned, he still wants to help Dean to understand. He is not looking for co-operation from Dean at this point, so it is not his reason for wanting to explain himself. There's no manipulation. He wants to explain himself for Dean's sake, alone. He wants Dean to understand him. And he doesn't want Dean to be upset with him. He doesn't want to be "done". He is trying to defend himself because he for one, feels guilty, and for two, doesn't want Dean to shut him out.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

SCENE 4

DEAN is pacing. He pauses in front of the platter of hamburgers and considers. He takes one. Suddenly CASTIEL appears behind him, grabs him by the shoulder, and shoves him against the wall, pressing a hand over his mouth and drawing the knife. A moment passes while they stare at each other, then DEAN nods slightly. CASTIEL lets him go. He draws the knife across his forearm and takes the blood with his other hand, smearing it on the wall to form the angel banishing sigil. ZACHARIAH appears.

ZACHARIAH Castiel! Would you mind explaining just what the hell you're doing?

CASTIEL finishes drawing and slams his hand in the center of the sigil. In a violent flash of white light, ZACHARIAH vanishes.

CASTIEL He won't be gone long. We have to find Sam now.

DEAN Where is he?

CASTIEL I don't know. But I know who does. We have to stop him, Dean, from killing Lilith.

DEAN But Lilith's gonna break the final seal.

CASTIEL Lilith is the final seal. She dies, the end begins.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

DESTIEL REVIEW FOR SCENE 4

Castiel has finally rebelled, finally disobeyed, finally went against Heaven to help Dean. The previous scene was enough to persuade Castiel to rebel.

I feel he's very confused about what's right and wrong but that he is putting his faith in Dean. It went from Dean putting his faith in Castiel, to Castiel putting his faith in Dean, which is an interesting switch.

He went against Heaven for the first time in his existence and Dean was the one to persuade him. One could say he did it because of Dean; but one could also say he did it for Dean. I feel it's both and that is quite simply, a huge step. And certainly for Destiel rather than against.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

SCENE 5

DEAN St. Mary's? What is that, a convent?

CHUCK Yeah, but you guys aren't supposed to be there. You're not in this story.

CASTIEL Yeah, well... (he glances at DEAN) We're making it up as we go.

CHUCK’s computer screen flickers as a great rumbling begins, accompanied by a blinding white light.

CHUCK Aw, man! Not again! No!

CASTIEL It's the Archangel! (to DEAN) I'll hold him off! I'll hold them all off! Just stop Sam!

CASTIEL claps DEAN on the forehead, transporting him away.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

DESTIEL REVIEW FOR SCENE 5

Castiel risks his own safety so that Dean can stop Sam. I feel he did this for the mission and that he knows they'll all be hunted after this, but he ultimately did it because Dean convinced him. Again, Dean is his weakness.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

DESTIEL REVIEW FOR THE EPISODE OVERALL

This episode is extremely important where the Destiel pairing is concerned. Castiel finally disobeyed and ultimately because of and for Dean. So that's huge.

I bump the rating up by .3; it is not a big jump but I feel it is a jump none the less. The reason I don't go to 4.5, or even 5, is because even though these feelings that Castiel has are very intense and may be romantic, we have not been given enough information. Also I didn't go higher than 4.3 because Dean is only just beginning to care for Castiel. On Dean's end, it feels as if they have now passed over into the friend zone. And it's not quite a solid friendship yet.

DESTIEL RATING (based on how believable): 4.3/10

[mickwritesficsfr]

Never Was An Ordinary Life Chap. 8 - Beginning Training

Summary: Rose was transported to a new realm which leads her to the biggest adventure of her life. It also leads her to find out who she really is while meeting her heroes. 

Pairing: to be determined

Word Count: 4679

Warnings through whole book: angst, humor, heartbreak, eventual smut, rape in a scene (not in detail), fluff, crossovers later on.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7

"Why don't you sit down.", Dean said as he gestured to a table that was covered in a few books. I sat down and looked around the room while Dean got something from the fridge. It was well lit for it being almost midnight now. The kitchen looked exactly like it did in the tv version and it made me smile. It felt welcoming in the kitchen. "So.. I know I said water, but after that.. do you want a beer?", Dean asked as he took out two beers. "

"Yes please.", I said as I reached my hand out for it. I popped the lid open on the corner of the table and began to drink it. Dean looked at me surprised causing me to give him a confused look. "What?"

Dean sat down and opened his own beer, "Nothing."

I hummed an acknowledgement and took a drink of my beer. I haven't had a beer in a while and it felt good drinking one again. The cold liquid sliding down my throat was a welcomed feeling. I smiled and closed my eyes at the taste. It was a lot stronger than it was in my universe which only makes me wonder how the Winchesters never got drunk after only two or three.

Guts of steel... that or they drink so much it doesn't bother them anymore.

I smiled at my own thought and took another drink of my beer while Dean stared at me.

**Dean's POV**

I watched Rose as she smiled and took a drink of her beer. It's been a day since I've known this girl, no, woman and I'm completely captivated by her. I cleared my throat and shifted in my chair across from her.

Her chocolate brown eyes met mine and I faltered for a second. The way her eyes lit up and her wavy hair running down her back. The way her lips pressed against the beer bottle as she took a drink. I shook my head to clear it.

"So I have a question if you don't mind."

"Sure.", she responded in her soft voice that could lull me to sleep. I took a drink and bit my lip.

"Why did you forgive Bobby so quickly?", I asked her and held my breath as I wasn't sure how she would take it. I kept my face serious looking as I watched for Rose's reaction to the question.

"Oh. I didn't expect that. Um..", Rose looked at her beer bottle as she bit her lip and ran her thumb up the neck of the bottle. She took a long drink of her beer before looking up at me and giving me a shrug.

"I mean he had a knife to your throat! You are just going to forgive him that easily?", I asked her as I heard my own voice rise in surprise and a little bit of curiosity.

"Dean.. I mean.. god damnit.", she took another drink of her beer. "It's just that I spent a long time in hate and pushing everyone away so I didn't have to be around anyone. Then I came to realize that people are human and no one is perfect. I think the very worst people deserve what they get, but what's the point in complaining about something they did if it's small?", she said to me while she was sitting in front of me her eyes seemed to glaze over and take her to a distant memory.

Rose started to make me think about all the times I would complain about someone over something small or stupid. How I would complain about Sammy as well sometimes. They are just human and will make mistakes. Though what happened to her.. I'd never forgive something like that. Though I won't tell her this. "You're right. People do make mistakes and it makes us human.", I said then took a drink of my beer to swallow down what I really wanted to say.

**Rose's POV**

I had just took the last drink of my beer when the rest of the guys joined us. "So Bobby is all caught up now.", Sam said as he walked to the refrigerator and got himself a beer. All I did was simply nod as I stood and got myself another beer before he could close the fridge door.

When I went to sit down Bobby blocked my path. "I am sorry Rose.", Bobby said as he grabbed my shoulder with his hand. He looked a bit shocked, at what he's been told, and sad. It's not an unusual reaction, but I still am not used to it.

"It's okay Bobby. I forgave everyone a long time ago.", I said with a small smile to show it doesn't bother me much.

"They will never deserve your forgiveness. From what I've been told I am shocked no one ever tried to harm the guy for what happened.", he said as his jaw clenched in anger. I sighed and pulled Bobby into a hug.

"I've never told anyone else."

Bobby stiffened under my hug and pulled away quickly at that statement. His eyes held me captive as his emotions played through them. Sadness turning into anger and then turning into bewilderment. "Why?"

"I always thought it'd be a burden to tell someone else my problems, so I never spoke up. I'm better now. All I have are some nightmares sometimes other than that... I am me.", I said as I gave Bobby a smile to make him believe I was okay.

"Yeah, but Rose they don't deserve to be forgiven...", Sam said as he stepped closer. I sighed and looked at all the men in the room. They all looked serious and grim. I started to feel uncomfortable with how many there were compared to one of me, so I backed away slightly. Even after all these years I still wasn't completely comfortable around so many men.

God.. please stop looking at me like that...

"Guys..", I sighed. "They are only human. Everyone makes mistakes. Sure theirs was a big one, but they still need to be forgiven." I looked at the men again and all their brows were furrowed as if trying to figure me out. I sighed and turned to Cas for help. "Right Cassie?"

"Rose, what they did should not be forgiven so easily. Even if it was a mistake you shouldn't have.", Castiel said with a very serious look on his face.

"It was the right thing to do. For me to truly move on from what happened I had to forgive.", I said with a small smile as I let out another sigh for what felt like the hundredth time.

"Well let's forget this talk for now, but it is not over.", Sam interrupted before it could go further. "Tomorrow your training starts. Bobby said he has a room you can have for the time being until you are ready for your first hunt.", Sam said which caught and held my attention entirely.

I couldn't help the smile on my face at the thought of being able to help people. "Well then. If I want to get an early start it seems I'll need to sleep. Can someone show me where to go?", I asked while smiling brightly. Bobby simply nodded and led me upstairs to a room.

"It's not a five star hotel, but it'll do for sleep.", Bobby said as he flipped on a light switch. There was a dresser and a bed in the corner of the room. The wallpaper was a light yellow and you could see dust on the dresser surface. Yet, it felt like home already.

"It's better than a five star place Bobby.", I said before I thanked him and shut the door. I let out a yawn and climbed into the old bed and fell fast asleep.

**Castiel's POV**

Dean sighed as we watched Bobby lead Rose to one of his spare rooms. Sam rubbed the back of his neck as he stood to throw his beer bottle away.

"Why would she forgive them so easily?", Dean voiced his thoughts. Sam shrugged his response.

"She is a very unusual woman I'll tell you that. Maybe she was telling the truth about having to forgive to move on.", Sam said as he took Rose's seat.

"Whatever the reason she still seems uncomfortable talking about it. I could see her fidgeting slightly as she talked.", I inserted into the conversation.

Bobby walked back into the room after a minute of silence. "Well, she's in a room for the night and I suggest we all get some shut eye as well."

"Yeah, we have to start her training tomorrow.", Dean said as he stood from his seat and walked out of the room.

Sam and Bobby went to find a place to sleep as well. I walked up to Rose's room and quietly opened the door. The room was almost pitch black with only a little streak of moonlight coming through the window. She was laying on her side, curled in a ball, as her hair laid in waves behind her. The bed seemed to engulf her small height as it was a queen size bed. I cautiously stepped closer and was able to see her eyes moving rapidly beneath her eyelids.

I tilted my head in curiosity at why they would move so fast. I reached my fingers out to touch her forehead to see what was happening, but hesitated. I shook it off and pressed my fingers lightly to her soft forehead. Then I was engulfed in her dream world.

It was pitch black and I could only see a long dirt pathway. I began to walk down it for a while and noticed it was completely surrounded by trees. I walked a little longer and was finally able to make out the shape of a house. It was a two story with stairs going up to it. There was a light on in the house and as I got closer I could hear yelling.

Not just any yelling, but Rose's voice. Her voice seemed strained, tired, like she was defeated. Yet, she still screamed. Not for help, but cursing and yelling at someone. I couldn't make out what she was saying until I started to walk closer to the house. I was finally up on the front porch next to a window and could make out two voices.

"Fuck you! Stay away from me you sick psycho! Get out of my head and stay out!", Rose screamed at someone.

"Now that isn't nice honey. You need to learn some manners.", a voice replied. I couldn't tell whose voice it was at all.

"Fuck you! I got manners, but the likes of you don't get that pleasure. If you don't let me out of this house I'll get out myself!", I could hear the crape of wood on wood. I looked into the window and was able to see Rose tied to a chair, but no one else.

"Then let yourself out.", the voice taunted back to her.

Rose closed her eyes and she was freed from her restraints and the front door opened. "Why aren't you killing me yet? Why do you just taunt me in my dreams? Are you even real? You could be just a nightmare my mind made.", Rose said as she gestured to herself.

"It's much more fun this way. Taunting my prey before I strike. I'll make sure you feel completely safe before I attack. Maybe I am real or maybe I'm not. You'll find out later.", the menacing voice said to Rose as she backed up towards the front door.

"You are never going to bother me again. I'll not let you in my dreams!", Rose yelled as she closed her eyes and began to focus on ridding herself of the voice.

"I'll see you soon..", then it was silent and Rose opened her eyes to see no one. The dream began to fade as I removed my fingers.

I opened my eyes to see sunlight streaming through the windows and onto Rose. A few minutes later she began to awake and I thought about if I should talk to her about the dream or not.

Best to be direct, but Dean always said if you want to get your way... lie

I sighed and sat on Rose's bed as her eyelids fluttered open. Her eyes gravitated to me and seemed shocked at first. She let out a breath of air and sat up in bed causing the covers to fall into her lap. "What are you doing in here Cassie?", Rose asked as she tried to smooth out her hair. Though to me it looked perfectly fine.

I was fighting myself one side wanting to be direct and tell Rose what I saw, but the other wanting to lie about it and come up with something. I turned to face Rose more and took a breath. "I came to check on you. Are you okay? You seemed to be having a nightmare.", I said as I held myself back from saying the full truth.

"I um.. I'm fine Cassie. It really is bright today though.", Rose said trying to distract me from her not really answering the question.

"It is very bright out there must not be any clouds right now. Yet, that is not what I wanted to talk to you about Rose.", I said as I lifted my hand to run it through her hair. Her face switched to one of worry as she continued to let me run my hand through her hair.

"What do you want to talk to me about?", she asked in a soft childlike voice.

"I noticed you seemed to be having a bad dream of some sort and thought you would like my help."

"How could you help with my nightmares?", she asked in a tentative voice.

I sighed as I stopped running my hand through her hair. "It's complicated and just be better if I showed you. A simple explanation would be how I make people sleep when we fight.", she nodded with her brows furrowed still trying to understand what I mean.

"Would it really work?", Rose asked as she played with the hem of the blanket.

I nodded and gave her a small smile. "Hopefully, now come you need to eat before you start training.", she gave a little smile and got out of her bed.

I got off her bed and walked out of the door. Today was going to be a long one and if I am being honest I don't know if helping Rose sleep will work. I can just pray it does.

**Rose's POV**

I watched as Cas walked out of the door with a smile on my face. I'm really hoping that Cas can help me with my nightmares. I don't want them anymore, but they never stop. I still can't stop thinking about the man in my nightmares either. He keeps looking at me like I'm the answer to all his problems. He said he wanted to kill me, but I just don't know anymore. He confuses me with what he says. I shook my head and looked at the end of my bed to see my bag on the floor that Cas must of brought in. I smile and grab it then put it on the bed and open it. I looked through it and found a sports bra, tank top, and shorts to wear. I couldn't help but think how cold I will be at first.

The sun will help warm me up I'll be fine...

I shrugged my shoulders and changed into my clothes then slipped my shoes on. I looked in a mirror on the back of the door and sighed when I saw bags forming under my eyes.

Guess I'm not getting a lot of sleep..

I smiled softly at the idea of actually being able to sleep. Of course with the help of Cas, but I will be able to sleep without being interrupted by that idiot. Whoever that idiot was...

I sighed a little and opened my door and walked down stairs. Once I made it down I noticed that Bobby, Dean, and Sam were all still asleep. It was weird to see them still. To know that this is not a dream and that I am really in their world. I smiled at their sleeping forms then made my way into the kitchen where Cas was waiting for me.

"Did you want something to eat Cassie?", I asked as I walked over the counter and grabbed an apple sitting in a bowl to eat.

"No. I don't eat."

"Right. I forgot.", I go and sit at the small table and start to eat the apple. I look up to see Cas staring at me with a look of disapproval. "What?"

"Is that all you are going to eat?", Cas asked as he sat in front of me in the other chair.

"Yeah, I don't like eating in someone else's house. Besides I don't usually eat breakfast.", I replied to Cas with a small smile playing on my lips.

He cares..

"Oh, well it will be around 3pm when we are finished and it is only 7am now. Are you sure you don't want to eat anymore?", Cas asked with worry in his voice.

"I'll be fine Cassie really. Let's go do this.", I said while getting out of my seat and throwing my apple core away. Cas sighed and got up and lead me out the door and into the junkyard. The sun was shining on the warehouse ahead of us while clouds blocked the light every now and then. There were leaves that had blown into the junkyard and made a small crunch when I would step on them. I jogged a little to catch up with Cas as he lead me to the warehouse and pushed open the door.

"We will start your training in the warehouse. It will also be where you do target practice.", Cas said as he pushed me into the warehouse gently and closed the door. I simply nodded and looked around at the inside that was mostly empty except for a few shelves from what I could see of the outlines. It was dark inside when I then heard a click that made the lights turn on. I looked around the room again and smiled as my suspicion of it being almost empty was right. The light lit up the dust that was floating through the air as I walked into the building more. I got to the middle of the room and was surprised to not see cobwebs on the shelves. The boxes weren't labeled, but I guessed they held some old car parts. I walked up to a box on one of the shelves and knocked on it hearing a rattle. I nodded my head and smiled imaging that I was right.

"What are we going to start with?", I asked Cas as he made his way to me with his trench coat moving behind him. He stopped in front of me and started to slide off his jacket as he began to speak.

"What do you want to start with?", Cas asked as he set his trench coat down onto the shelf behind me causing him to lean closer to me. I held my breath slightly as he came closer his blue eyes locked with mine. I was held in place by his stare. He leaned back after he put his coat down and backed away. I was able to breath again and moved back to the middle of the room.

"I'm not sure. Defense is what I need help with the most I think.", I answered Cas as I spread my legs slightly and bent over to touch my toes. I switched to the other side to continue stretching before we trained.

"What are you doing?", Cas asked as he walked to stand in front of me and stared.

"I'm stretching so I won't accidentally hurt myself when training.", I simply replied as I spread my legs a little wider and bent further down to touch the ground causing my tank top to go up slightly.

"I don't understand.", Cas said quietly as if to himself.

"Understand what Cassie?", I asked as I stood up straight again and stretched out my arms.

"It's nothing.", Cas replied causing me to shrug it off as nothing important. His blue eyes held confusion and emotions I have never seen that look in his eyes before. It made his eyes all the more captivating.

"What are you doing?", Cas asked causing me to snap out of my trace. I looked at Cas to see him closer to me than before and my hand reaching up to touch his face.

"Uh nothing... I thought you had something in your hair.", I reach up and pretend to grab a little dust ball out of his hair and toss it aside. I smile nervously as I step back and cross my arms. "So are we ready to train then?", I asked Cas as I turned to face away from him to hide my blush.

"We can start off with simple things like blocking someone's attack.", Cas said and so began his teaching of different blocks to do. To be honest I was feeling great and a lot more confident that I could defend myself. Yet, at the same time I knew I was nowhere near ready to go on a hunt with the boys. Right now I would be a liability. So, I did my best to train as hard as I could to remember the moves. It felt almost like he was teaching me to dance. A dance that could one day save my life and maybe other lives as well. It was around One o'clock when Cas said for me to take a break. He never gets tired, lucky for him, though he knows that humans do, so he let me relax for a few minutes.

"Do you feel more confident in the way you are defending yourself?", Cas asked as he watched me sit on the floor and take deep breathes to calm my breathing. I simply nodded my response and stood back up.

"Okay, let's go again. I need to practice more.", I said with a weak voice. Cas had taught me the basic moves then moved the harder ones after a little. He was a great teacher, but when we did the harder ones when it came to starting in a holding position that I had to break out of I couldn't help but feel like I didn't want to. He was warm and his breath was on my neck each time. Each time we did that I couldn't help but want to lean against him and forget the training. Though Cas had different thoughts as he broke my own thoughts of him as he began to speak.

"Let's try some fighting to see where your fighting skills are and how well you can defend yourself.', Cas said as he rolled up his white dress shirt sleeves. I watched as he rolled them up and had a look of determination on his face.

I wonder what that look is for...

I sighed slightly since I would probably never know. Yet, I got in my fighting stance and prepared for Cas to come at me. He took his time as he simply walked around me like a tiger about to pounce on its prey. I bit my lip slightly in fear as the look on his face was very serious. "I am not going to go hard on you like I would if someone were attacking me, but I will not take it easy on you either. You need to get used to someone tried to harm you that would mostly want to kill you. Do you understand Rose?", he asked in such a serious voice that I could feel myself shiver at his tone of voice.

"Yes, Cas I understand perfectly.", I replied as I kept my eyes locked on his stance. He gave no hint if he was going to attack or not. I think that's what made me nervous the most. Not knowing if he was going to attack or not. I broke eye contact with him for one second when the sound of a box falling met my ears. It was then that he went to attack me. He was not kidding when he said he was not going to go easy on me. I felt a fist connecting to my stomach knocking the wind out of me for a second. I faced him at him again with rage and was barely able to dodge his next punch to my stomach. I ducked down and quickly moved behind him and gave him a quick jab to his spine. He was pushed forward slightly and spun on his feet to face me. He ran toward me and tried to give me a punch to my leg causing it to give out underneath me. He quickly jabbed at my face and gave me a black eye. He stood up and I quickly rolled out of the way so his foot missed me by inches. I got up quickly and kicked his feet out from under him causing him to fall to the ground on his back. Before he could get up I quickly sat on his chest and tried to punch him only for one of his hands to capture my fist in his. I tried to punch him with my other hand only for the same thing to happen. He pushed himself up enough to roll us to where he was on top. He had me pinned and by the smile on his face he knew I wouldn't be able to get up. He held my hands above my head and was straddling me. I grunted as I tried to pry my hands from his hold and gasped slightly as his face became unbearably close to mine. I held my breath to see what would happen.

Only nothing happened. Cas looked up and pulled away from me as he stared at someone. "Hello, Dean.", Cas said with his normal voice. It was no longer filled with seriousness. I tilted my head to try and see Dean, but couldn't. I let out a sigh and struggled to get Cas off me. He looked back down when he felt me move and finally got off of me. He held his hand out to me and helped me up. I couldn't face Dean. I tried my best to avoid it as I slowly wiped the dust from the warehouse floor off of me. "Is there something you need?", Cas asked with something in his tone of voice I couldn't place.

"Ah, yeah it's three so I figured you guys would be hungry.", his voice was gruff and almost had an accusing edge to it. Yet, I didn't know why so I ignored it.

"Great! I'm starving all the training really takes it out of you.", I said as I turned and faced the handsome man that is Dean Winchester. I admit I had a crush on the guys when I watched the show. I had since I first watched the show, but man the show was amazing to watch with the story. Either way the show hooked me and I was in. I walked passed Dean quickly starting to feel tension between the two males in the room. I walked out of the warehouse into the cool autumn wind and let out a sigh as it felt great. I started to hear yelling behind me and quickly walked away and to Bobby's house not wanting to be caught in the middle of it.

Hopefully they can work whatever it is out... 

[elizabethrobertajones]

Your post about season six, and Dean forgiving Bobby and Sam for lying to him, you only mentioned Cas in passing. Cas brought Sam back and then never bothered to tell Dean anything either, and Dean still forgives him until TMWWBK when he gives Cas an ultimatum. Can you elaborate on what you meant there?

pfft, I couldn’t even remember what I said there :P 

(this post)

I mean… I was kind of skirting around it because I don’t think Dean forgives Cas? I said 6x04 was where they reconciled and you might have noticed Cas not being in it and I was helpfully keeping that post about Sam and Bobby >.> Because we don’t talk about season 6 because it’s a friggin minefield especially when you’re planted in the Destiel camp, because of how the show used Cas that season as, essentially, the main antagonist, all the way through the season.

(Also we don’t talk about it because it really hurts, I assume :P I mean I accidentally started a season 7 fanclub but that season’s relatively easy once you have hindsight that it’s all distilled Pining For A Dead Loved One with a safety net that the loved one comes back, but hindsight doesn’t do anything to having to sit through a dozen episodes of them at each other’s throats and everyone angry and everything is awful all the time >.> The closest we get to cracking any jokes around Cas is the pizza man exchange.)

Their whole tension in season 6 is that Cas isn’t coming when Dean calls and not helping them (and ugh that line is one of those ones that’s terrible in context but romantic in a gifset and thank goodness Cas says it in nicer context at least once because it was manipulative and not true in context), and they ONLY see him when they demand he comes to them, unlike previous seasons where he was always the one bringing stuff to them, or it was more obviously an equal exchange of help, like 5x10 and all the stuff where they were working together to find the Colt. I don’t think there’s a single time they see Cas that year where they didn’t wrangle him down from Heaven with threats or bribes or weary resignation that asking him to come see about the one thing he’s actually interested in is the only way to get him to come home (Dean being the unappreciated wife with the trouble child, in this case, an entire side of the season away from Crowley accusing Cas of being the philandering husband >.>) 

So in the first couple of episodes they mention Cas hasn’t been answering and that’s his implicit guilt in the same thing that @thejabberwock was saying Dean could have easily never forgiven Bobby and Sam over doing… And I think because they were on the same side and working together through the season and so on, at the very least they get over some of it just because close proximity and fighting side by side, and by the time all the cards are on the table re: Sam’s soul, by 6x07 or so, I think Dean can pretty much say it’s not really their fault if Sam was the moral compass on that decision. I mean he’s angry and miserable so I don’t think he has a sit down with himself and comes to that healthy decision, but over time I think it would easily slip away. 

But in 6x20 the worst part of it is the Cas watches Dean rake leaves moment, which not only uses the fact this *still hurts* that he didn’t come to Dean for help and bring Dean back into hunting when if anyone could have started it again it would have been Cas in that moment, but then in the actual confrontation we get another brief flashback to Cas turning away from Dean and going with Crowley when Dean asks where he was, so Cas making this mistake was the hugest part of the betrayal - that at the very least he could have let Dean know what he was doing, or they could have fought against impossible odds TOGETHER again to whatever end. I mean, like, there’s the genuine implication in that confrontation if you want to see it this way, that Dean would rather the world end but Cas hadn’t betrayed them and at least they could all go out on a moral high ground. 

Through the season it’s like what me and @mittensmorgul talk about sometimes about the whole unfinished conversation through the seasons, only when it starts here as a sort of one season microcosm version, it’s that Cas can’t and won’t tell Dean what he’s doing and why, and so Dean’s telling him stuff like, that’s ALL you’ve told us, when Cas repeats the couple of easy facts to explain what he’s doing. Dean gets to the end of the conversation in any meaningful way in 6x04 with Bobby and by the end of 6x07 he knows pretty much everything soulless!Sam didn’t tell him, including all his motivations, so he’s quite happy to work with him and try and get his soul back once all the cards are on the table. (I mean Bobby explained his motivations for keeping Dean out of the game back in 6x01 and we have no reason to suspect Bobby ever had any ulterior motives, but they had family teething problems for a bit - the first 4 episodes of the season deal with 1 member of TFW each and since Bobby had the lowest stakes of any of them, he gets resolved first to just go back to being dependable old Bobby with no particular emotional drama except being concerned about them/saving the world.)

But they hold off on using Cas until the 3rd episode and when he shows up he answers none of their questions in a satisfying way, shrugs off concern about not answering with the line about having a more profound bond with Dean (another one of those lines that looks great on a bumper sticker and has a lot of truth to it when you go deeper, but in context is actually a really shitty thing to say), and then he spends the episode not really answering anything, except for blatantly being in the middle of an escalating angel war so he has to admit some things like why angels are attacking him or why there’s even a problem they called him down for in the first place. We get his conversation alone with Balthazar to keep plot chatter away from the Winchesters and then he grants him his freedom because he needs Balthazar’s help more than he needs the good opinion of the Winchesters, especially because he’s already firmly decided with the raking leaves scene that they’re not going to be a part of it.

And that just makes the pattern from there that for the rest of the season Cas only comes when it suits him (aka when stakes are too high in the other direction - his war or Sam and Dean getting hurt, or occasionally when he can tell their friendship is really on the line if he doesn’t go, to the point he can’t make amends after he wins - that he has to drop by and try and reassure them or to get involved because they’re accidentally involved in the angel war or what have  you) even when Dean’s really worried about Sam - something we don’t know for sure until 6x20 that Cas is wracked with guilt about and also is fairly helpless to reveal his part in raising Sam about because it opens up too many other questions, namely the one about why he never got back in contact with Dean after 5x22. So it keeps on coming back to the massive void being that Cas saved Sam but then wouldn’t go to Dean for help, and it’s the empty space in his reasoning for why he doesn’t go to them casually for the entire season. 

12x19 offered us his actual motivations when it comes to them about how he feels and that he wants to protect them and I think when he justifies it he’s actually telling the truth about it because I think part of it was there was a lot of startling emotional honesty… Cas actually naming his motivations as Sam and Dean is a bit of a running joke in the show, in a very dark way, that he’ll always say it’s for Heaven like in season 9, and when Metatron called him out on it, he mostly just looked sad and affronted. Sadffronted. :P Anyway he just straight up tells Kelvin, no it’s not about Heaven and my reputation there, and honestly stuff you guys but I need some extra man power and resources, to do this for Sam and Dean. And he’s honest about the same thing when Sam and Dean catch up to him later. In season 6, which was a season-long version of the dynamic 12x19 explored as part of the Cas Retrospective of season 12, he mostly just bristled with impotent rage when things got this close to the surface, snapped something cryptic, and disappeared :P I mean I can’t even remember an exact moment that happened but he was exploiting the fact he could disappear at will to end a conversation like nobody’s business back then.

But because Cas won’t tell them anything meaningful about the plot, is massively unhelpful about Crowley until he just strategically kills him to stop the Winchesters asking too many questions, and avoids Dean over the issue of Sam’s soul, the entire first half of the season is filled with non-stop snapping, and actually Dean’s feelings towards Cas escalating into frustration and anger that only gets worse as the season goes on, and Cas can only give very small respites with unhelpful little promises he doesn’t have to follow up on if he keeps avoiding them. He gets himself a bit of a break when Crowley is dead because there’s less chance of the Winchesters stumbling onto the plan if they don’t think there’s a plan to stumble onto, and Eve works great as a distraction right up until she just goes and tells them that Crowley is still alive… But there’s a very uneasy feeling between Cas and Dean the entire time because the angel war distracting Cas is a huge hovering issue even when they’re talking about other stuff, and they never get a chance to foster better feelings or celebrate a win together or anything like that. 6x18 is possibly the only time they have a sort of aaaalmost uncomplicated good feeling and that’s because they won the episode, Cas has mostly managed to avoid suspicion about why he got stabbed.

I think it’s actually a testament to how much Cas means to Dean that when 6x20 rolls around, Dean is still staunchly defending Cas to begin with, that he can think Cas might have had his reasons all through this and that he thinks Cas is one of the good guys and can be reasoned with and if they treat him on the level it will all be fine. And in a way that is because they made it all through the season without ever addressing WHY Cas didn’t talk to him for a year so it’s sort of more like forgotten with all the new drama that’s happened since, rather than forgiven, because of course that WHY finally comes to the surface, and it turns into the entire reason they can’t reconcile this and why it’s so far gone that they missed the chance to reconcile it right back when Cas made the decision not to get Dean involved.

So I think… in a meta way… that THEY were not talking about season 6 until it was too late and that’s why Dean ever let things pass with Cas until it turned out they’d been betrayed and they should have been talking about season 6 with Cas :P I think that ultimatum didn’t really come out of the blue because Dean had been pissed off with Cas all season, but there was a sort of deep heart of hearts feeling that Cas had to utterly forsake before Dean would see Cas as betraying them, because he trusted and cared about him so much he couldn’t see it coming no matter how shady Cas acted, which meant that he was letting everything sketchy Cas did pass, including the hanging question of why HE didn’t tell Dean that Sam was back from the dead. I mean it gets to teenage girl writing in a diary, maybe he didn’t notice me because he was busy, sort of justifications but I said somewhere or other recently I think 6x20 confirmed their feelings on both sides (and I think it’s weird I’ve ever seen people say that it only confirmed one or the other, especially when I’ve seen that said both ways :P). And Dean giving Cas all those chances and benefit of the doubt to the point you could see the “oh hon” on Bobby’s face… Yeah. 

Also his determination that they could fix everything if Cas just backed off and let them help >.> Like, yeah, you’d have had to have a COMPLETELY different season to make that work - the entire point was it was unwinnable and the best Cas could do was utterly give up everything he ever had - allies, family, morality - to sacrifice for that fight, and he forsakes them all through the season in various small ways, culminating in a total loss of self but his goals completed. Dean’s version of the season where he gets to keep Cas would have been a loss but an emotional victory, and that is not what Cas could bear at that point. And 12x19 also makes the point of emotional victories and moral victories, and again I think that it’s like Dean’s pleas in 6x20 echo all the way up to current canon to remind Cas why he COULDN’T give in to Dean’s request.

The speed run of season 6 is 5x22 > 6x20 without taking a breath, because after all the nonsense and running around and red herrings, Cas ties the entire story back into what had just happened in Swan Song and how he made his decisions, and his conversation with Dean in the car at the end of Swan Song about “peace or freedom” is the key question there which defines Cas’s arc of the season and his decision for leaving Dean out. Dean chose freedom but regretted not going for peace because it was this promise of peace in 5x16, the talk of a paradise and a perfect bliss in Heaven, that swung him the most to nearly saying yes. Cas knows he picked freedom for everyone else but wanted peace in his heart of hearts and it’s the same thing Amara picked on in season 11, that Dean wanted quiet, and it’s the same thing Jack promised Cas and Cas repeated to Kelly. And was Michael and Raphael’s apocalypse sales pitch. 

So all these things are thematically linked together. I guess I’m still typing because it all ends up back at season 12 and presumably 13 based on how these apocalypse-era themes and now characters are back. In the raking leaves scene Cas picked peace for Dean, to stay with Lisa in oblivion in the suburbs, which denied Dean the choice (aka freedom) to help him, and in the start of season 6 we can use Bobby and Sam’s similar decision to leave Dean out to show it’s people deciding for him and not giving him a choice about how to live his life. I’m pretty sure the line “so Dean doesn’t have to” would fit perfectly in 6x20 as much as 12x19. And at the end of the day, Dean knows Cas is annoyingly right, that they’re Team Free Will (hence also… 12x19 hello again :P) and Dean embodies free will and will always end up fighting for it - but of course that doesn’t mean he can’t have a personal struggle with it, which makes it all the more interesting. They just made the decision for him to give into the bad side of the struggle - to let peace win when for Dean it should always be freedom because that’s what he’s the epitome of. 

And in 6x20 that’s what they fight about at the very very end, when Dean accuses Cas that he shouldn’t do whatever he wants and that he’s a child for trying, because he sees Cas as just not grasping these concepts properly, not understanding without the key information (that Cas’s motivations are HIM, the unfinished part of the conversation, the missing puzzle piece to all their interactions, etc) and knowing just how much Cas has grappled with this off screen and Cas’s understanding and motivations. I mean, the VO of the episode is from AFTER this argument, so I think Cas’s opinion on himself and his hubris and arrogance all comes AFTER and maybe BECAUSE OF the bollocking Dean gives him, because he has all the puzzle pieces (or nearly all) and genuine self-reflection and he’s in the position to wryly look back on everything he’s caused from this simple set of choices. He identifies all his own shortcomings but still sees there’s no other way and he’s going to have to make the leap to truly give up his morality and sense of self to accomplish what he needs.

And that’s also, to jump back to season 12, and weirdly I was having a dream about chilling with her last night, Lily Sunder, a literal mirror opposite to Cas in some ways, the human who got in too deep with angels instead of the angels who got in too deep with humans. She’s giving up parts of herself to get revenge, which is the opposite mission to Cas’s in season 6, to protect his loved ones. In a great metaphor for literally every revenge mission ever in this show and other media, Lily is losing her soul the longer she sustains herself on the mission. But it’s also a good metaphor to the idea of giving yourself up for any mission, to the point of only thinking you can accomplish it at a total loss of yourself. Cas gives her a way out to not complete it because she got absolution with Ishim, the one who truly hurt her, and peace with Cas as seeing him as truly repentant and changed and being able to say the right words to set her mind at rest. But Cas didn’t get that chance to not carry on his mission because it was one of protecting them before the bad stuff happened so the stakes were too high to be talked down from. He also tries to talk Dean back from a total loss of self in 10x22 for what good that does. And I think that’s all from experience - of knowing how it is to go over that line and thinking things are justified until they consume you. Cas had to shed his morality and his emotional attachment to Sam and Dean in order to work against them completely as the antagonist once his role was revealed to them and they boxed him into it by not understanding or giving him a chance - because they were more concerned for HIM than the bigger stakes - and so he could break Sam’s wall in order to get the job done. 

And to me that becomes the REAL hurt he caused them in season 6, far far over the earlier choices he has, and he needs to fix Sam immediately when he returns in season 7 and then spend the rest of the season in an arc about understanding and forgiveness and apologies with Dean. And that all springs from the earlier lies and betrayals and stuff but trying to tackle what Cas should have done in the start of season 6 is impossible because in many ways he was basically already the wrong word away from a 6x20 style confrontation every time they met him from 6x03 onwards (which is probably why he looks like he has a migraine the entire season :P) and so I don’t think there’s ANY WAY they could have plausibly sold any sort of real reconciliation or forgiveness in the start of the season if they’d wanted to, which they didn’t because they wanted Dean to be pissed at Cas all season for reasons which were just as frustrating and opaque to US, and I don’t know what they knew for sure about the end of the season but they were definitely planning all along for Cas to have a baaaad bad part in it because he was shifty and showing tells of lying and so on from the get go. I think if they’d made a twee moment for Dean to be given a chance to forgive Cas for not talking to him for a year, it would have basically just escalated Dean’s suspicion through the roof because Cas would never have been able to sell it when the bigger picture of why he did it was what all eventually poured out in TMWWBK. 

(here's a link to my rewatch of 6x20 where I ramble a LOT more about the philosophy behind it all)

[bobafetts-princess]

Life in the Fast Lane Ch. 3

Hey y’all! Here’s part 3, I hope you like it!

Pairings- Reader x OMC, Future Reader x Sam/Dean/Cas (can ya guess??)

Word count- 2775

Warnings: Cursing, Emotional Reader, emotionally and mentally and physically abusive relationship, drug use, alcohol consumption, unsafe driving, abuse denial.

A/N- Hey guys, I hope you’re ready to figure out who the Reader is going to hook up with because it’s coming in the next chapter! Let me know what ya think!

Tagging- @abaddonwithyall @aprofoundbondwithdean @bovaria @but-deans-back-tho @balthazars-muse @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog @ilostmyshoe-79 @just-a-supernatural-smut-blog @kittenofdoomage @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @littlegreenplasticsoldier @lovemydean-o-saur @nichelle-my-belle @ohmysupernatural @oriona75 @obsessedwith-dean-castiel-sam @oneshotwinchester @rizlow1 @ruby-loves-supernatural @stayclassysupernatural @supernaturalimagine @thewinchesterdaily @winchestersandwordprocessors (If anyone wants tagged or untagged, let me know!)

Ch. 1, Ch. 2

Another week gone, another weekend here. Things had been patched up with Patrick, but he wanted you to go to a party tonight at the same house and you were a little iffy on it. You didn’t want a repeat, but you also knew that if you didn’t go with him, it might cause a bigger fight. So you sucked it up, picking a laid back outfit for the evening. Silver flats, skinny jeans, and a white off the shoulder top was your outfit of choice and it earned you a sneer.

“That’s what you’re wearing?” Patrick asked, beer already in hand. 

“Yes. What’s wrong with it?” You asked, a small streak of defiance going through you. 

“There are going to be people there that know me. They expect me to have a good looking girl.”

“I look good Patrick. It’s not my normal outfit, I know, but I don’t look bad.” You argued in your favor. Normally he liked you to dress so you were showing as much skin as possible, and you obliged. You weren’t feeling it today, you wanted to be cute and comfortable. Not that you had any objection to showing skin, it didn't feel right if you were with Patrick; you didn’t feel like you were showing skin for yourself, you were doing it for him. He would prance you around in front of his friends and they would ogle you and the whole situation made you uncomfortable sometimes. It was like you were piece in a game and Patrick and his friends were the players. 

“If anyone gives me a hard time about you not looking your best, you’re going to pay for it later.” He threatened and you would have brushed it off, but after last weekend you weren’t sure whether he would follow through. 

“I’d like to drive, if that’s okay.” You asked, trying to garner a little control . Normally Patrick drove, it was a habit the two of you had fallen into when you’d started dating and he drove everywhere. Unless he was drunk, and then sometimes he still insisted on driving. 

“No.” Was the only answer he offered and he attempted to make his point by grabbing his car keys and looking at you. 

“Why not?” Standing your ground in the kitchen of Patrick’s apartment, you didn't budge. 

“Because it’s un-manly for a dude to have his girlfriend drive him around.”

“I wouldn’t be driving you around. I’d be driving us to a party. There’s a big difference.” 

“I said no, goddamnit. Leave it alone. I’m driving, now get your ass in the car or we’re going to have a problem.” His anger flashed and he was giving you the same look he did the night he hit you, so you sucked it up and got in the car. Your injuries were still healing, only a small mark from the black eye left. The last thing you wanted to do was provoke him. The party was raging by the time you arrived, late, and Patrick let you know it on the drive over. 

“If you hadn’t been arguing with me, we wouldn’t be late.” He'd said, foot driving through the gas in his anger. You’d rolled your eyes, choosing to stay quiet instead of start another argument. The 20 second 'discussion' about who was driving didn’t affect how late you were . The two of you were late to parties anyways because Patrick thought it made him look cool. He slammed the car door, strolling towards the house and leaving you in the dust.  

“Hurry up! I need to lock the car!” He shouted from 30 feet in front of you. You shut your door, the large house looming in front of you, almost daring you to go in. You didn't want to, but your other option was standing by the car and waiting for Patrick, and there was no telling how long that would be. His temper was in full force tonight and you didn’t quite know how to react to him, especially after the last weekend. Sighing , you walked in the house, looking for Patrick to see if you could make up with him and not argue this evening. Wandering through the house, you looked for him before remembering where you found him the last time. Looking for stairs that led downwards, you were finally lucky enough to find them, when you saw your blonde coworker again.

“Y/N! Hey babe! How are you?” She asked, curls bouncing as she pulled you into a hug. 


“I’m good honey, how are you?”

“We’re well!” She grinned, leaning into her boyfriend who gave you a polite nod in acknowledgement. “Is your boyfriend here too? She asked, almost like she was fishing for information.Smiling, you nodded towards the stairs and responded, 

"Yeah, he’s downstairs with his buddies. I was getting ready to head down and ask him if he wanted anything to drink.” You were afraid to tell her that you were trying to fix an argument because you were sure she already thought poorly about Patrick and you didn't want to make it worse. 

“Oh okay! I didn’t mean to stop you.” A worried look crossed her face and you could tell that she was afraid she was getting in the way of your mission. 

“Oh no! You didn’t. I figured out where he was, so I wasn’t in any sort of a hurry. Do you work this weekend?” You asked, trying to make conversation with her and hope that one day the two of you could be friends. 

“Unfortunately. I work tomorrow morning and Sunday evening. How about you?”

“I’m off tomorrow but Jean scheduled me for all day on Sunday and Monday too. We must be down a server.” You pondered, rolling your eyes. You always were short severs, so those who were veteran servers always ended up with the short end of the stick. 

“She let two go. This next week is going to be a nightmare. Hey, you look super cute though! I love that top.” Her boyfriend sat next to her, arm curled around her waist with a drink in hand, and stayed silent. This conversation was nice, there weren't any drugs involved, it wasn’t filled with drama about who’s boyfriend or girlfriend cheated. You smiled at her, wishing that Patrick would let you have friends outside of his friend group, because she was so bubbly and you wanted friends like that.

“Thanks! I actually think I got it from a thrift store, the one on 35th?” You tried to recall where you got it, but it was slipping your mind.

“I know that place! We should go shopping there sometime, it’d be fun!” She offered and you almost fell out of your chair at the gesture.

“I would love that. It would be nice. It’s been a long time since I went shopping with another woman." You admitted, nostalgic. 

“Oh no! You didn’t grow up with sisters?” She asked, “I grew up with three, we went shopping all the time!” Her face lit up when she talked about her sisters and your throat went dry and your face, pale. This was a hard subject for you to talk about, because it hurt so much. It was a solid 30 seconds of silence before she asked you, “Did I say something wrong, sweetie? I’m sorry if I did. I didn’t mean to.” She observed, laying her hand on your arm in comfort. You looked into her wide blue eyes, full of worry for you. 

“No, it's a hard thing to talk about. That’s all.” You smiled at her, swallowing the tears that pricked into your eyes. “It’s okay. I would love to go shopping with you sometime, it would be so nice.” Trying to get the conversation steered back into safe territory, you took her up on the offer.

“Definitely. I miss having other ladies to shop with. Its always a good time!” She smiled, leaning back into her boyfriend and snuggling into his warmth. 

“We'll have to plan a day we're both off work." You encouraged, before remembering you were doing something before you saw her. "It was good to see you, I'll see you on Sunday. I gotta get downstairs and talk to Patrick.” You smiled, giving her boyfriend a small wave and her a hug before you headed downstairs. Listening for Patrick’s voice on the way down, you were beginning to wonder if he was down here when you spotted him. Making your way over to him, your sober brain noticed the same pipe from the previous weekend. The smoke hadn’t manifested itself yet, but the pungent smell was already there and it was horrible. Whatever he was smoking smelled terrible and you couldn’t imagine that what was in the pipe was any good, but that wasn't the point of you being down here.

“Babe. Come here, let’s talk.” You whispered from behind him. Either he ignored you, or he couldn’t hear you, so you placed a soft hand on his arm. “Babe, will you come here? I want to talk to you.” 

“Fuck off, Y/N. Leave me alone.” He snarled, head only turned towards you. “Patrick, come on. I don’t want to argue all night long.” You pleaded, standing firm against him for the first time in a long time.

“If you don’t want to fucking argue, go snort some coke and have a beer. Leave. Me. Alone.” This time he didn’t even turn his head towards you, instead faced his friends and hunched his shoulders away from you. His friends looked on at the situation uncomfortably, they’d never seen you like this, unwilling to go away and leave the situation alone. Maybe it was because you were sober, maybe it was because deep down, you hadn’t forgiven Patrick for hitting you, or maybe you were tired of taking his shit and decided that enough was enough. “No. I want to talk about this. I don't want to spend the entire evening with you ignoring me.” He turned, ready to say something else to you, but a loud voice coming from across the room interrupted him. 

“Yo! Patrick! Why's your bitch so dressed down? I thought you had a hot girlfriend!” His friend Brady hollered. He owned the house here so that made him feel like he owned the people in it as well. 

“Quit Brady. I don’t have the patience for it today.” You turned to him, surprising yourself with your boldness. 

“Damn. Sounds like you need to teach your bitch some manners too.” He sneered, taking a swig of the beer he had in hand before taking the pipe from Patrick. You sneered back, you weren't Brady’s biggest fan, but you dealt with him because you loved Patrick. 

“You see, my girl comes dressed appropriately for the party.” He smiled, a greasy, unnerving smile, and wrapped his arm around a scantily classed dark-skinned girl. She looked like Pocahontas, with her long black hair and dark skin, and she leaned into Brady’s embrace. She smiled at you, but it wasn't friendly. She smiled at you like she’d won a battle you hadn’t known you were participating in. You could feel Patrick’s anger radiating, and for a split second, you wondered why you were dating him. That thought left when a strong hand enclosed your arm, squeezing tight enough to leave bruises as a voice whispered in your ear.


“I fucking told you that you didn’t look good enough to come to this fucking party.” Patrick growled. “You didn't fucking listen to me, and now I look like a goddamn fool.” He turned to Brady, talking louder but with less venom. “No worries man, I’m going to take her home and teach her a lesson.” The hand wrapped around your arm began to tug. It hauled you up the stairs, not caring whether you were able to keep up or not. 

“Patrick! Stop it! Let me go! You're starting to hurt me!” You were trying to pull your arm out of his grip, but every time you got close, his grip got tighter. People were watching as you as he hauled you around like a rag doll. You made brief eye contact with Jess, her eyes full of worry again. He hauled you across the dance floor, down a hallway.  

“I fucking told you not to embarrass me. And you fucking embarrassed me.” He mumbled, almost talking to you, almost talking to himself. The crowds cleared for you, no one wanted to be in his way. He drug you all the way out to the car, throwing you against the body, knocking the breath out of you. 

“Get in the fucking car. I can’t fucking believe you embarrassed me like this. I don’t even know what to do with you.” Somewhere between the basement and the car, you’d gone numb and he'd gone insane.  You weren’t sure what was happening and you weren’t sure why it was happening. He snarled, pulling open the passenger side and tossing you in the seat. He stormed over to his side as you shut the door to yours, trying to figure out what had snapped to make him act this way. Somewhere in your mind you knew that you shouldn’t have gotten in the car with him, but you were so stunned by his actions that you were on autopilot. Patrick was still mumbling to himself as he turned the car on and pulled out of the driveway. He floored it down the street, almost nailing a stop sign and bringing you back to reality.

“Patrick! Slow down! You're going to kill us!” 

“Shut the fuck up.” He turned, glaring at you and taking his eyes completely off the road. You wanted to say something else, but you would rather he keep his eyes on the road. You gripped the sides of your seat as he flew through traffic, swerving between cars. 

“Patrick!!!” You screamed again, trying to get through to him but he pressed down on the gas pedal harder, taking a left turn at 50 miles an hour. The passenger side wheels came off the road as you screamed, scared for your life. He sped down the road that led to his house, and your stomach dropped as two things happened. The first was that red and blue lights trailed behind you . The other was that there was a sharp turn coming up that Patrick always forgot about. It had almost caused an accident before, and you were almost certain that it would be your death today. Gripping Patricks arm, you tried to make him slow down, but he threw you off , his fist catching your left eye as he swung. The lights got closer and louder, and you hoped that Patrick would slow down and talk to them, but he didn’t. He glanced in the rearview mirror and then shot a nasty look your way. 

“Fucking bitch! You fucking caused this, like you’ve caused everything else in your miserable life!” He screeched and you wondered who your boyfriend had become in that moment. This wasn’t like Patrick, this wasn't the Patrick you first fell in love with. You clung to the seat with everything you had, hoping he remembered the curve and his sweet words from the previous weekend. “And now you have me so angry the cops are following me. I fucking hate you, you worthless piece of shit. If they catch me, I'm going to make sure they know this is all your fucking fault.” His words cut like daggers and you wondered if you could ever forget the things he was saying in that moment. He floored it once more, driving closer and closer to the curve that he always forgot. 


“Patrick! You’re going to run us off the road! Please stop!” It was like he was a madman, uncaring about his life or yours. As the curve got closer and closer, you contemplated grabbing the wheel from him but you were worried about doing more damage than he would. Before he realized it, the curve was there and he wasn’t turning. As you barreled off-road and towards a tree, your world went black.