#but i cant stop feeling so shitty
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... and however hard I try to integrate
Iʼll always remain alien
lowkey inspired by thiss
#rvb#red vs blue#locus#sam ortez#rvb locus#samuel ortez#mine#*23#art#i kinda cant stop staring at their short hair locus... the slight grayish hairs... wrow#i barely even recognize my version as locus tbh lol. he's like a stranger 2 me... maybe thats what he feels like too after cutting it.#i had to give him shitty long broom hair just to check that it looks like locs and like. it does. that's him officer! wh#also i suddenly thought of that 'there comes a time when u look in the mirror + realize what u see is all u'll be. and then u accept it.#or you kys. or you stop looking in mirrors' quote (paraphrased lol) so i had to repaint the eyes completely. it doesn't even matter. o woe#anyway. do u think short hair locus would have like silky hair or would it be sticking up? im partial to both#(felix's sticks up btw and it looks stupid as shit (i would know)) u knoooww his hair smelled like cheap gel 24/7 during s14 merc episodes!
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this is really stretching the 'shitty' in the blog title but fuck it the 'daily' is already a lie
keychain design :thumbsup:
#aka i finally finished colouring the lines ive had as my pinned after. far too long#i mean. maybe finished#not super happy with how i executed the speech bubbles so might fuck with those later#and theres still the b side to do with hal but#fuck it this isnt shitty hal daily#also i feel like i should actually prove that i. can draw? decently? because wow i have been feeling Kinda Shit about how low effort this#blog has become#is that stupid when the first word in the name is literally 'shitty'? yeah#does that stop me from comparing it to other really good blogs like insufferableprick and the fuckin uhhh calliope one cant remember her#handle?#and hell even the other badlydrawn blogs#lmao no#eh whatever its like 1 am#that probably has something to do with it#fuck it we ball#ooc post#homestuck#davesprite#actual art
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things that would fix me rn
- medication
- blanket fort
- permission to skip school for the rest of the week with zero consequences
- medication
- hug from my best friend
- watching inside out probably
- medication
#praying to fucking godddddd my mom is able to get me a doctors appointment as soon as fucking possible#so i cant stop feeling like i wanna die every month#like goddamn ig im gonna feel this shitty i should at least get cool werewolf powers or some shit#but nooooo i just get the emotional and physical turmoil WITHOUT badass transformations and bloodlust and fucking. howling and shit#so unfair
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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i should really come with a warning label. WARNING: gets weirdly susceptible to thought spirals at the end of november
#praying that this fucking fixes itself soon because i cant fuckinf stand it#weird dichotomy knowing that ur susceptible to spiraling and beinf hyperaware of jt but not knowing how to get out of it#maybe its depression maybe its anxiety maybe jts a secret third thing#maybe its just because this time of year always reminds me of a lot of shitty things im dealing with#i dont fucking know but i wish it wpuld fucking stop#or at the very least get someone to talk it thru with me. not that theres nobody who does but i hate going to the same person too many times#because i feel like im just annoying them and being way too needy because i cant regulate my fucking emotions#desperately need to look into therapy or a diagnosis or something when i have the stability to do so. god#lycan howls
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really wish my mum would hurry up and get me a doctors appointment
#ramblings#just spent a solid half an hour with 'killyourselfkillyourselfkillyourself' in my head because i fucked up my maths draft#i would just like to clarify i would never . just really shitty thoughts i promise i would not ever follow through i dont really want to di#anyway its not even unfixable it was just more feedback than i expected and my draft wasnt the best in the class#i feel so fucking full of myself but god i cant handle this#fucking hell i wish everyone would stop expecting so much from me#every time i freak out my friends ar elike its fine mate youre gonna be top of the grade again WHAT IF IM NOT#I CANT FUCKING HANDLE IT IF IM NOT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING FOR ME#IM LTIERALLY FUCKING USELESS#im not funny or good looking my art is mediocre as shit im irritating#academics is the only thing i have going for me#fuuuuuuuuuuck#i cant do this shit for another year#im gneuiely worried im gonna give myself physical problems when it comes around to external exams#whether that be idk fucking heart problems or injuring myself on purpose who the fuck knows#self harm tw#suicide tw#vent
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bitches who hate drawing rooms learn to draw rooms and find out they actually love it
#its me.... i learned to love drawing room#peace and love on the planet earth#anyways this is how i imagine the archives#like a shitty damp finished basement lol#tma#the magnus archives#jonathan sims#tangentially#teehee#my art#idk if the perspective is 100% accurate but it looks accurate sooo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#also summer just started for me!!!!!! im so excited#i have to get a job so i can buy a tablet and laptop but thats for later#but if any of you want to commission me.......... jk..... unless 😳#uh ill post commissions later ig dont feel obligated lol but if you want then i cant stop you......
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where im at mentally these days: my mum hugged me and said im doing a good job and i burst into tears <3
#i mean it was a little more fleshed out than that#i asked for a hug and she asked if i was okay and i didnt say anything so she said something about me feeling like#untethered. just kind of floating through life. and i said yeah. and she told me im doing a good job like. getting through the day basically#and i cried about it because i dont even know why its so hard#and i feel so shitty all the time because i just feel like a shit person like i dont try hard enough with my nephew#and hes so little and so smart and im so awful and every day im worried hes going to stop liking me bc im still learning how to be. gentle.#because i grew up with yelling and a locked pantry and an older sister who had to raise me#so i dont know how to not yell and not escape into my own world when i cant be bothered#and i have really good days and really terrible days and hes not a Job hes my nephew and i want to treat him like my nephew#and it feels so selfish to say im tired and that its hard and stressful and i dont know what im doing#bc my sister has to do it too and she doesnt get breaks like i do#she doesnt get to just decide to leave for the night - and i mean i dont do that but i have the option#and everyone keeps. like. telling me im doing good and im helpful and my sister especially tells me often shes grateful for me#and it makes me feel Awful bc i feel like i dont do enough and that the stuff i DO isnt good enough and just argh#anyway#vent over i need to go to bed its 1am and i have to get up in 5 hours#captain speaks
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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#.mimiming ❜#i kept trying to draw but that's going so fucking shitty#like okay i know my drawings suck and i just have a horrible artstyle in general#BUT ITS. SO BAD#i feel like throwing away my sketchbooks again#and i really really cant study right now#i just start feeling so sick whenever i try to read and the words stop making sense
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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this past week has just. not been very good to me tbh
#had a really scary health issue over the weekend#have classwork due every sunday#my bosses are usually rlly nice to me#but today they kind of like. dogpiled me for listening to music at work when i didnt realize it would be an issue#bc it helps me focus and work faster#and one of them said that was 'bullshit'#and kinda made me out to be inattentive and unfocused when they make more mistakes than i do#and i already felt kinda shitty today bc im having car trouble AGAIN so i was doing my damnedest not to cry at fucking work#then i came home and my parents kept hounding me abt sleeping in the living room since my bed isnt fully built yet#and bc of the health thing im not taking my adhd medicine anymore#which has made focusing THAT MUCH HARDER for me#i just feel like it cant ever be just one thing at a time#its always a bunch of shit at once#im gonna be honest i know all this shit sounds stupid as hell and none of it matters in anyway#but that sure isnt stopping the ideations lmao!!!!#tibtalks
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.
#in a weird place mentally tbh and i went on a drive to clear my mind#and somehow ended up at my first apartment#it's been so long since i lived there but i was so proud of it#it feels like the last place i was truly independent#anyway i was sitting in my car staring at this shitty building#crying over orville peck#and then i saw a licence plate that said 'pklerick' and i cant stop laughing#being an adult is insane#it feels like i'm just trying to find any little bit of joy between all of the grieving#personal#oh and the fact that the rent for this apartment has literally doubled makes me sick#how are we supposed to live like this
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...
#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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Forgor to clock out but already took melatonin so even if I wanted to make that 30-45 minute round trip, I couldnt ;-;
I know its not a big deal, but the anxiety doesnt know that
This why I liked swiping my badge, much harder to forget to clock out (though also much easier to forget to clock in)
#try not to forget again#:(#rambles#vent#rant#i need to get this out cuz if i dont my weekend will be shitty and i dont want it to be#wait.. maybe i can email the hr person#tbough i dont think shes in today#fuck#i really hate this#i know im gonna get the speech from whoever i talk to but it doesnt matter because I cant help it#my brain just doesnt function how it should#especially not when its my friday and ive been exhausted all fucking week#tired and angry and frustrated#imm try to sleep now and hope i feel better when i wake up#the amxiety will hopefully chill#so tired and anxious i cant type anymore#gonna stop before it devolved into anger
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Yay !! Im gonna talk about it with my friend today !! I think this is gonna help me not go completely insane !! I love love <3
#yeah i still feel super shitty#and its gotten like progressively worse too ?#i cant eat normally. i just chew ?#and im scared to go to sleep bc that means i have to lay in the silence#so i havent been sleeping well ? (at least that means no nightmares lol)#and the shivering and head jerks havent stopped either#ive been trying to pack and do all the practical stuff im supposed to#but i end up having to stop bc? idk? i either start breathing weird or zoning out#look im not an idiot. if this was an objective psych case file id have no problem coming up with a solid idea of whats wrong#unfortunately tho im a real person and i cant exactly be objective about myselt#i also cant focus for long enough to actually properly THINK about it ya know?#but honestly this is so dramatic for no reason lmao sorry for the melodrama#i just feel so awful i need to complain a little 🙏#but talking to a friend will for sure help ! 🙏💗💗💗#yay friendship !
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