#but i remember that hearing the new songs became something I was looking forward too

[potter-inthe-tardis]

A hear me out, unironic bop!

I'm rewatching the series of unfortunate events show, and I remembered this song from my childhood, so I had to go look it up, and yes it's still a bop!

[simphornies]

Hello! Could I please request a Vox x GN! Reader where his crush/ or significant other is very similar to Charlie and how he deals with that? And by similar to Charlie I mean very happy go lucky, chatty, and sometimes just bursts into song for no reason? Maybe even how the other VEEs respond to it too could be mentioned? Thank you!~ :3

A/N: Decided to mix these two requests together since it worked together

Word count: 1.5k (1,546)

Smile! [ Vox x GN!Reader ]

You were constantly the smiling upbeat one in the entirety of the VVV building. Your presence lit up a room as soon as you skipped in them. Every employee looked forward to seeing you everyday and ever since you became an honorary “Vee” the productivity went up greatly. Many compared you to Charlie Morningstar in terms of personality. In fact, the two of you got along well when you met before you worked for the Vees. You were both ecstatic upon realizing how well you two mixed, like soul siblings.

Every single day you’d have little sticky notes with cute drawings on them of the Vees. They would be plastered in the offices and became a sign that you were around and about. It became a little collection hunt and you had even implemented a little game that inspired sinners to make sure they were always doing something. You made sure they’d get a little treat (varied honestly, you once gave a brand new VoxTek phone away) if they collected a certain amount and they’ve reached their quota.

To the Vees, you were too cheery, too kind and too optimistic. They actually hated you at first. You always interrupted anything they were doing and talked for hours. Velvette and Valentino were wary of how “weak” you seemed. But they grew to like you.

Valentino enjoyed how easy you made everyone to control. All he knew was that everyone seemed more compliant after you talked with them. You helped him get more souls and employees. He was the second one that had gotten used to you. He never asked how you did it because he knew he’d be late to another shoot if he talked to you.

You helped Velvette keep her employees in a good enough mental state to really rock the runway the way she wanted them to. You eased their tension with praise balancing out the strict, harsh nature of Velvette. Like Valentino, you helped make them more compliant by talking to them. Velvette liked the songs you’d burst into when you’re inspiring the models right before a show. She was the hardest and last one you impressed. But as soon as you did, the two of you would talk non-stop about all the latest drama in Hell.

Vox was the first one you impressed. The main reason you even started working to begin with. Vox’s sales went up with your charisma. He didn’t really question how you weeded out the worst workers, he never asked. They always just disappear after you talk to them. He never showed it but he loved listening to you talk about anything and everything. He loved hearing your voice, as annoying it was at times when he needed to do work but he loved it. Loved your energy. Everyone eventually did.

So when there weren’t any sticky notes and when the halls were quiet, everyone was on the edge. Velvette tried to talk to you, but you kept walking as you shrugged her off while you were muttering to yourself. Valentino was going to rant to you but you didn’t even spare him a glance.

“Y/N! How are you this fine, hellish morning?” Vox laughs, stepping in front of you. “You don’t seem like yourself today, what’s wrong?”

“Vox. Do you remember our business in the greed ring with Crimson?” Your voice was stern.

“Uh…” He paused to think, “The little red one? With the hat? What about him?”

“Well, he attempted to scam us out of payment and he is here now to negotiate terms.” Your voice shook slightly with anger. “I’m on my way to talk to him.”

“I’ll come with you! I’ve always been curious how you get them to listen more.” He steps aside, clearing your path.

“If you say so.”

He was right behind you as you opened the door.

“Oh finally! Welcome! I’m not in a rush or anythin’.” Crimson said, squinting.

Vox saw your eye twitch.

“Lovely morning, Crimson!” You smiled, sitting across from him. You set out some papers on the desk, sliding it over to him. “You know what you’re here for.”

“Look. I said I’ll pay but I neva said when.” He laughs, “Money’s tight in the family.”

“Ah of course. I understand. Greed Ring and all, however.” You get up, “You’ve been due for at least one payment for the last three months. Those cameras aren’t cheap.”

“Look.” He crosses his arms, an imp behind him wearing a cowboy hat moving up closer behind him as if ready to attack. “You’ll get ya payment when ya get it. You think some overlord and his little pet is gonna scare me? Do you know what happens to anyone that crosses me?”

You cracked your neck and continued to smile sweetly at him.

“Holy rope. Angelic dagger. And I bet you carry six rounds of angelic steel bullets in that gun.” You hum, “Striker, was it? Your little pet’s name? See, here at VoxTek enterprises, we don’t like our funds going into anything that we can’t get our pay back for. You promised us a book in exchange for support, however you haven’t even been close to touching it.”

Vox sipped on his coffee, kinda wishing he had some popcorn.

“Yeah? What’s it to ya? You’re basically a fuckin’ blue blood.” Striker hissed.

“Flattered! But no. Just smarter. And quicker.” You snapped your fingers and shadows held the two imps in place. They immediately resisted to no avail. “Careful! They’re connected to the outlets! Unless you want a couple of fried limbs, I don’t recommend moving too much. The electricity might slip through the hold. Oooh like that!”

A jolt went through them, making them scream. “See. I was just like you. So low in power. But I was smarter. I made a deal. A deal that shared Vox’s power to me.” You giggled, one of your eyes spiraling as you stared at them. “Weapons on the table please.”

Without hesitation, weapons clattered on the table. “Lovely! Thank you. Now, please hold a hand out, both of you.” They mindlessly obeyed.

“You’ll start to pay off your debt. You’ll give me your soul. You’ll never set foot in here again unless you’re summoned. And you’ll never do business with us any longer. Deal?” Your upbeat voice made Vox start to question where you got this behavior from. “It’s a deal or you die, simple choices honestly.”

They shook your hand as a chain wrapped around their necks. They snapped out of it as soon as the deal solidified.

“Wh-what the—” Crimson felt the tug at his neck and growled at you, “You little shit what did you do? Some cheap blue blood magic bullshit?”

“I’m just smarter, quicker. But oh!” You clapped your hands together, “Thank you so much for agreeing to the deal! How lovely of you to cooperate! Now please get the fuck out of my sight!” You grinned.

They were thrown out by security and Vox just looked at you like you were crazy. I mean, you were, but he wasn’t really expecting that. He was intimidated, slightly aroused and even more in love with you.

“When did you—Is that what you do? Where did you learn that from?” He questioned, a little intimidated. "I can't deny that was...kinda hot."

“Oh! I learned it from Alastor, Charlie and Vaggie! Charlie told me to always be kind!” You nodded in approval of her advice, “Vaggie told me to never take shit! And Alastor—”

“Alastor?”

“Yes, Alastor. Alastor taught me to take what I need no matter the cost!” You held your head up high proudly.

“When the fuck did you talk to Alastor?” He glitched.

“Oh like a while back. He mentioned you like once, I looked you up, I thought you were hot. He made fun of me for thinking you were hot. I punched him, and survived somehow. Met you. Made a deal and now we’re dating!”

“Okay okay. Pause. Go back. You learned from Alastor, and you NEVER FUCKING told me?!”

“Oh. Yeah! I tried to tell you once but then you went all singing mode and you’d go on a little rampage or whatever. It got repetitive so I just never told you. Oopsies. Haha. Anyways that’s done! That’s all for today! Don’t forget you only smiled at me like 3 times today!”

You skipped out of the room after giving him a kiss as he was rebooting in the meeting room. You continued your day as always, as if nothing ever happened.

“Ugh what’s with the looks? Why is everyone so tense and uncomfy? Go go! Keep working! You know you guys are gonna get in trouble if you don’t work! You guys know what happens when we don’t meet quota!”

Employees scrambled around to continue what they were doing. Vox was the first one to meet you and he was the first one to find out you didn’t ease the employees’ nerves, you scared them into submission and he honestly doesn’t even know how many souls you have. He didn’t wanna pry too deep into it. Velvette got word of your tactics and wanted you to show her how it’s done, so you accompanied her to her next meeting.

[remembrancer-of-heresy]

Strangelove (Fulgrim, Ferrus Manus)

Summary: Fulgrim meets Ferrus' lover and remembers his past.

Fulgrim/fem!Reader, Ferrus Manus/fem!Reader

Warnings: obsession, angst

Word count: 1196

Song: Depeche Mode - Strangelove

Fulgrim, my man, I'm sorry that i make you suffer.

Fulgrim had never seen Ferrus worried or afraid. Even right now Manus led his brother into his chambers with his usual confidence. But he felt a noticeable change in the air. Ferrus told Fulgrim that he wanted to introduce him to someone. A very important person for him. Whom did he meet just recently. But he was sure that your relationship would continue for a long time.

Already at this moment Fulgrim should have tensed. But he did not notice the catch and never thought that the Gorgon could ever fall in love. And even more so openly admit this feeling to himself and his beloved. Manus was the perfect cog in the Imperium. A mechanism that worked smoothly and responsibly. But it seems the joint campaign with Vulkan has made him softer.

When Fulgrim first meets you he can't say a word.

Libya was the first one. First wife. First love. Small and thin, she was afraid of almost everything. Her father did not want his dear daughter to see the horrors of the world. But he had to give her in arranged marriage to Fulgrim. When she first met her future husband, Libya almost burst into tears. She was shaking so much with fear. She was leaving her family and home forever. The marriage could have been unhappy. In addition, the primarch's height frightened the young girl.

At that moment, Fulgrim knew he wanted to protect her. This girl is the embodiment of the entire planet, all the unfortunate inhabitants who need help. He did everything he could to make her happy. He taught her new knowledge and spent his free time with her. He was very gentle with Libya the first night and the the next ones too. Love inspired him and gave him the strength to unite Chemos as soon as possible.

She died.

“I-I think that perfection does not exist” - you stammer, trying not to look at the Phoenician who asked an important question for him. He feels your face and hands sweating with worry. “But this is precisely what defines humanity. T-therefore, we continue to develop in science and art. We strive to achieve excellence. Something that doesn't exist. And this means that the Imperium will always move forward.”

Fulgrim did not expect such an answer. At all. No, perfection existed, it was just that your mortal nature could not realize it. And yet your reasoning and thoughts... agitated him. He could no longer remember the last time he felt such emotions from a conversation with a mortal female.

Venus was a serious and smart girl. Even too much. Deprived of many of the joys of life, she always helped her parents in everything. And she calmly accepted her marriage to Fulgrim. They became close over conversations about the peoples of Chemos. Venus absorbed knowledge with great zeal. But most of all she loved legends and myths. And often told them to her husband before bed.

She died of fever. Fulgrim still remembers her face, contorted in pain. How she cried and begged to be killed so as not to suffer anymore. He could not refuse her this last favor.

Could not.

Fulgrim just can't take his eyes off the two of you. How you calmly chat with Ferrus like an ordinary person. Without feeling the charisma of a primarch. And even though you barely reached the man’s waist, it didn’t bother you. Just like him. Although Manus’s eyes were steel, when he looked at you, they glowed with fire.

He could have lost you. To lose your gaze and the warmth of your hands. Never again will hear your singing voice. You could have died. From old age. Or you could be killed. But Ferrus only shrugged off Fulgrim's warnings after you left them alone. The Imperium brought rejuvenating drugs. Besides, you are a smart girl and don’t go to the front line. And even so he will be able to protect you.

“But what if she dies? Or the Emperor will forbid you to see each other when he knows about her.”

Ferrus looks at his brother in bewilderment clearly not understanding his strange behavior. The man ponders the question for a while. Before shrugging and smiling. The Phoenician almost flinched at the confidence of his beloved brother.

“Even so, I'm glad I was able to experience this feeling.”

Clio always smiled. She always kept a mask and did not allow others to look into her soul. Instead, she tried to help everyone. Especially children and old people. Fulgrim will never forget how she cried on his shoulder, opening her heart. He so wanted her to never cry again and really love life.

But she was shot by those who disagreed with his rule. There was too much blood and he didn’t have time to save her. Fulgrim didn't have time to say goodbye. He didn’t have time to tell her how glad he was that she came into his life. That he would take care of her.

But he couldn't protect her.

They all died. They all left him. Alone. With a broken heart. It was enough for the Phoenician to experience love three times. He couldn't bear this feeling anymore. Feelings of loss and grief. Moreover, every year he had to rule over millions, billions of lives. He couldn't afford to be weak. Couldn’t choose between the planet and one single love. The man accepted his fate. He resigned himself.

And Gorgon knew about this. Knew about Fulgrim's wives. He knew that the primarch had suffered the grief of loss. Only to him the Phoenician told about his past. About his feelings and regret that human life is so fleeting. But that didn't stop Manus from finding you. To unite with you the bonds of love.

Fulgrim felt black envy creeping through his veins. No. Love is weakness. Love is imperfect. He couldn't allow himself to feel that way. And could not envy or condemn his beloved brother. It was Manus' choice. He himself decided to take this step.

The primarch, sitting in his chambers, sighed heavily. You were as kind as Clio. Smart and sensible like Venus. As small and trembling as Libya. No, you were not their symbiosis; these traits are inherent in many people. But knowing that you are Manus’ beloved, the Phoenician could not help but compare you with his wives. Dead ones. And you were alive.

And your reasoning about perfection... he did not agree with you and yet was amazed by the honest answer. The way you see the world and humanity as a whole. He would like to spend more time with you, talk to you, see you.

No, he couldn't. Fulgrim felt himself going mad from the flood of memories. And one, tiny thought that he could feel something for you... scared. He could not allow himself to fall in love again, much less with his brother's betrothed. The only thing he can do is continue the Crusade and strive for perfection. He should stop thinking about you and focus on Laeran. The war with the xenos will help him get into a rut.

And forget about you.

[whichcouldmeannothing]

our doubts are traitors (m4m extra!)

Gale is intimately familiar with how Bucky looks asleep.

They were bunkmates back in basic training. Bucky took the bottom bunk, so the sounds of him flopping onto the bed and his snoring became commonplace. It was as casual to him as a CO shouting at the squadron or the dishwater they pawned off as coffee there.

Gale leans on the doorframe.

The lights are off, but moonlight streams into the room through the window. It paints him blue, and his mouth hangs open. His curls have escaped their pomade prison. The wrinkles and the hardness on his forehead have smoothed out.

Does he dream like Gale does?

Does his face ever contort in a scream that shakes the house? Does he feel the blood and dirt on his face? Does he hear gunshots by his ear, as if a Kraut is right by his bed?

Bucky shifts in his sleep.

The beds back in the Stalag were miniscule for Gale, and certainly for the taller man currently asleep. A limb or two of his would usually hang off the bed by morning. He remembers a night earlier in the week and the image that seemed to be a weekly occurence back in Basic: Bucky slung over Gale's shoulder, and Gale having to make sure he would not veer the man off the road with how much he was carrying.

Everyone must have thought that he was miserable as he played babysitter. But they never saw how much of the nights at bars were for his benefit. He always knew when Gale was feeling the most like shutting himself off, and used those nights to break out a new song or dance at the club.

"Feeling better, Cleven?" He would ask later that night, patting at his cheek.

He would shake his head, and reply back something inane. "Would be better not lugging dead weight."

Bucky would howl with laughter into the night, and he would hold onto the drunkard tighter.

Gale walks into the room. He ignores sitting on the bed, in favour of squatting in front of his bed. He smooths back his hair on his forehead. It was a tic he developed in the camp as a way to check for a fever.

He remembers every single daydream Bucky offered him in the early days of the camp. Before he started turning inwards, there were moments where he would sit with Gale and tell him everything he wanted to do and bring Gale around for.

We could see a Yankees game, and you would enjoy it! You would! I can bring you home, and I'll show you this lake, don't know if you've heard it-- We could see Lady Liberty, do you think they'd give us a medal for protecting her against Jerry fire?

Gale sighs. He thought of those more often then he wanted to admit. Yes, he wanted to kiss Marge and see his father's grave again, but those images of him and Bucky going around the states got him through cold and crazy nights. They would have been free from statutes or commands, just the two of them with the world behind them.

The nights when they would hear gunshots through the night, or after days where he was so sure Bucky would provoke a guard a bit too much, he kept thinking of how Bucky would look like driving on the open road.

He would have the brightest smile, and without his cap, his curls would blow with the wind. His eyes would be bright and full of life. He would get a tan, obviously, and his pale neck would look sun-kissed. Beads of sweat under the hot sun would trace his sharp cheekbones, but he would still look as comfortable as possible. The air would feel amazing then, his laughter lingering in it.

He closes his eyes, and his most recent nightmare comes back to him. Bucky, his neck torn with a bullet. Bucky, with his eyes losing their spark. Bucky, whose mouth would move but no melodious word coming out. Gale's hands covered with blood. Gale's hands counting, counting, until there were no beats left to count.

He leans forward, and lays his head in Bucky's neck. He breaths in his scent, sweat and cigarettes and his own soap. He presses his head in and turns, and he feels more than hears the breath on his face. Alive, alive, alive. He pulls back a little bit so that he doesn't touch anything, but he lets himself count the times he inhales.

He always sneaks out to smoke, which Marge appreciates. Gale always watches him leave, and wonders if this will be the night he would join him outside. He loves listening to the radio with Marge, and reading in their bed with her. There's a peace in it that he has not had in his grasp since the war started.

But hearing Bucky ramble on, nicotine heavy on his breath and his voice deep and passionate, was something Gale will never be willing to pass up on. He had gone so long with Bucky beside him, and then he had him torn away again, and had him back in the worst way, and now after so much worry, he was here.

Marge is his wife, but Bucky will be the one who knows him best.

He should go back to his bedroom. He should pull back the cover, slip in beside his wife and give her a kiss on the cheek. He will.

But he stays just a little longer.

(minnie just wanted to stare at callum turner's face hehe)

[23starii]

Gʜᴏsᴛ Oғ Cʜɪᴄᴀɢᴏ

Kᴀɢᴇʏᴀᴍᴀ Tᴏʙɪᴏ X Rᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ Sᴍᴀᴜ

m.list

Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ Fᴏᴜʀ: Nᴏᴡ I ғɪɴᴅ ʜᴇʀ Eᴠᴇʀʏᴡʜᴇʀᴇ

Wᴀʀɴɪɴɢs/Nᴏᴛᴇs: This chapter is also not smau but still part of the story. Anxiety (not directly mentioned), overthinking.

Kageyama remembers the night after y/n quit like it was yesterday. The night he swears, he had looked into his reflection, but what he found was y/n staring back at him.

Her eyes were puffy, breath heavy, hair a mess, and she glared. Glared as if Kageyama had taken her ability to feel anything but grief away from her.

He remembers he felt a wave of unimaginable guilt wash over him.

A cloud of thoughts as venomous as a deadly spider biting into his flesh, taking him out forever.

Things only got worse after the incident.

When the king of the court was benched.

When he had nightmares about it, when he heard the sound of crying, when he heard a song as beautiful as the sound of her voice. When he doubted himself, he thought of her, solidifying everything he believed was wrong about him.

He wondered what her reaction would have been if she had been there that day. Would she have laughed? Scoffed? Would she have been as relieved as all his other "teammates"?

The truth is that she would have. He was completely right about everything he imagined, and he knew it.

Thankfully for him, in his opinion, the thoughts and memories, the sudden sting of guilt became like second nature to him. It happened so often.

When Kageyama found out he was playing against Aoba Johsai with his new team in a practice match, her face flashed in his head.

"Aoba Johsai, huh.." he had repeated in the moment. He knew for a fact that was the school Oikawa Tooru attended.

He also knew for a fact that it was the school Oikawa Y/n chose as well. He remembered hearing her talk about it with Kunimi and Kindaichi back in middle school.

He knew he didn't have time to worry about seeing you, but he did it anyway. He did the best to focus on the conversation in front of him. Lucky for him, it was often extremely difficult to tell what he was actually thinking.

That's when Mr. Takeda said something he definitely didn't expect,

"There is one little condition.. Kageyama has to be the setter for the whole game." Takeda read off a paper in his hands.

Kageyama was completely taken aback, and so was the rest of the team. His eyes immediately darted to Sugawara, who also looked surprised.

"What the hell is that!? So they're not interested in playing against karasuno, but they got some kind of special beef with kageyama? What are we just some kind of joke to them!? What's their deal?" Tanaka questioned, getting all up into Mr Takeda's face sounding quite sore about the situation.

Kageyama's mind raced as he listened to the rest of the conversation they were having.

The familiar pinch of guilt was aching him all over again.

Would it really be okay if he took Sugawaras' position?? Who asked for the accommodation..? And what where they thinking. He felt as if it was still too soon to see any of those guys again. He wondered if he was ready.

What would he do if he saw her?

A part of him clawed at his being, hoping to see her, the other part cowered away, fearing her opinion of him which he himself had created.

He wished practice could go on a bit longer, but unfortunately for him, the captain said they were done for the day. He would have to find something else to distract him from his thoughts.

Kageyama was so caught up in his thoughts that he ended up doing something that even he didn't expect.

He followed closely behind Sugawara, who was nearing the small convenience store that was close to the school.

Before he knew it, his thoughts were inducing him forward, and so he caught up to the silver haired upperclassmen.

"Suga!" The raven haired prodigy spoke, catching the attention of sugawara who turned around to meet his gaze.

Kageyama panted as he spoke,

"I know it's not fair that I'll be in the starting lineup. But I promise to you I'll earn my spot from now on!" Kageyama announced formidably.

"..Huh? What..?" It took Sugawara a few moments to process Kageyamas words.

"Oh, sorry. I guess I'm just surprised that you care about how I feel about the whole thing, that's all." Sugawara stated, rubbing the nape of his neck sheepishly, further confusing kageyama who tilted his head, perplexed.

"I don't follow.."

"You got more stamina and raw talent than me anyway-"

"Who cares!? That's great and all, but they're not the same as having experience. Besides.." Suddenly, his words are cut off by the cheering of sugawaras name by his teammates behind him.

Kageyama grimaced, knowing the point he was about to make had just been solidified.

He sulked,

"Um.. you see, the rest of the team, they um..well, they trust you..."

Sugawara was unable to hide his reaction. A twinkle formed in his eyes as he beamed.

"Anyway." Kageyama continued doing his best to ignore sugawaras reaction.

"I swear, I won't lose!" The underclassmen pronounced.

Sugawara nodded, trusting in his words.

"So, uh. I was thinking, most players from Kitagawa First end up going to Aoba Johsai High school, right?"

"Yea, as far as I know."

The question was innocent, a regular question to ask. However, even as kageyama replied, the question knocked at his being, another flash of her face covered in fear flashed through his mind, her name at the tip of his tongue.

"Yea, that's what I thought. So, uhh..you think you're gonna be okay with that?"

"Well, I guess it might be weird if we were on the same team. But since we're opponents, I'll fight them with everything I've got."

Kageyama answered quickly. He already knew the question was coming. He replied truthfully. He knew he had to and would make sure his guilt and fear of seeing y/n again wouldn't keep him from what had always been important to him, winning.

"Good to hear."

Kageyama and his teammates continued on. They messed around as they waited for their captain to come out of the small convenience store with the promised pork buns, which ended in them being scolded by the store owner.

.

.

.

That night, when Kageyama closed his eyes, he saw her there. In his dreams.

He dreamt of an alternate situation. A situation in which he had not put his desire to win over his emotions, where he had been closer with her, told her how he felt. He saw her smile and when he woke up, he blinked.

The dream faded from his vision, and he was brought back to his true reality.

She's always there

<- Previous, Next ->

[nonsubstantial]

FEBRUARY 2024 ART FASCINATION DIARY

If you missed my post last month, then I'll briefly explain that I thought it would be fun to write a short diary post each month, about the art that I've been obsessed with. Then, I can easily look back and remember what was making me happy all throughout 2024. If you are reading this, then I hope you will enjoy hearing about these things, or checking them out too!!!

MEMOIR / AUDIOBOOK: The Anthropocene Reviewed is John Green's memoir, framed as a collection of reviews of seemingly random aspects of 'the current geologic age'. I want to note that I had never finished any other John Green book, so I was going into this one as more of a hater than a fan. However, I was unexpectedly moved by it and now consider it one of the greatest books I've ever experienced. I also want to note that listening to the audiobook, narrated by John Green himself, really added a lot to the experience (including two additional chapters). Despite the subject matter being intensely personal, the genius of this memoir is that, by framing it as a collection of reviews, John Green is able to place greater emphasis on things outside of himself. Rather than just narrating his singular experiences, he creates a memoir to celebrate and sympathize with all life on planet Earth. It is informative and humbling— fascinating and earnest. I want to highly recommend this book (or audiobook) to everyone, because I feel like it will genuinely enrich your soul. There are chapters that will probably make you cry, but in a way that is healing and constructive. I give The Anthropocene Reviewed... 5 stars.

REALITY / GAME SHOW: RuPaul's Drag Race season 16 started in January of 2024, and has remained as my favorite thing on television for these past two months. It's another example of something that I had no interest in, until I was forced to watch it, and then it became one of my favorite things ever. Obviously, take all reality television with a grain of salt, but if you can do that then it's extremely inspiring to see the immense amount of talent that every contestant brings to the runway. I'm not really into fashion, but even I can appreciate the blend of comedy, creativity, and practiced technique that's on display here. These performers really do tell stories with their drag, and I look at the artform much differently than I did before I started watching. It has made every Saturday something to look forward to, and if you've never checked it out before, then I've got to recommend it.

MUSIC: my favorite album of February was 「Wall Of Eyes」 This is actually a new album, by a band called The Smile, that was released in the final week of January, and I only heard about it because Vinny Vinesauce featured it on one of his streams. If you've heard of Radiohead, then you'll at least recognize the singer, Thom Yorke (although the three person band also features Radiohead's Jonny Greenwood, and drummer Tom Skinner). Despite The Smile seeming (at first) like just a side project of a couple Radiohead members, let me honestly admit that I have never connected with any Radiohead album as much as I've connected with this. I truly think every song on this album is incredible, and I listened to it front to back almost every day this February. Its genre is hard to describe, and maybe that's where some of the magic lies. It's light and acoustic, soft and jazzy... beautiful, but also a little tense and attention grabbing at times. As usual, I'd recommend just listening if you're curious about it at all, with my favorite song linked HERE!

MANGA: I was able to read a few more volumes of Dungeon Meshi this month, and I feel like it might soon claim the title of the single best manga I've ever read. Honestly, it's got it all. The themes, the artwork, the characters, the pacing, the paneling, the story's structure... I'm not exaggerating when I say that any way I look at this manga to critique it, I find excellence. In everything, there is deliberate ingenuity and soul. I will reveal that there is less focus on cooking, and more focus on worldbuilding as the story goes on, but I'm not even disappointed by that because everything it dishes out is still so good. I'm serious about this, especially if you're watching the show, try to find some copies of this manga or read it online. It's absolutely worth it.

[cometcactus]

greetings once again: a little update... now where are my soccer fans at? ⚽👀

hey y'all, nia here, it's been months since i posted... would you like to hear a story? not sure if this is going to last but i may be a soccer/football fan now... or at the very least feeling nostalgic for it. it's quite funny because i was never interested in soccer myself, but i do have fond memories of experiencing the world cup hype where i live, and i remember having a few soccer fans in my neighborhood. part of this story has something to do my growing interest in german culture over the past few years. i'll tell you about that as well in another time. so, i was 10 years old when germany won the world cup last time, and while i wasn't actively following the games, i did remember the 7-1 semifinal becoming a meme and hearing götze's name every so often in the news back then... (10-year-old me had almost no idea why he was in the news, lol) also, i remembered seeing those winner group photos where the all the goalkeepers wore that one (ugly but catchy) shade of green. fast forward to this year and a couple months ago i had the chance to watch the euros with my german friends. it was my first soccer watch party in years and it was my first time watching soccer with my close friends :) so as i was watching the games i noticed that along a bunch of new names in germany's team, there were a few familiar names from 10 years ago: müller and kroos (and that time i had no idea and i certainly didn't think for once that this would be their last tournament as a team) but one name stood out to me more than others: manuel neuer. 🧤 i guess my friends were all nostalgic for him since they would occasionally talk about him and recall his many achievements, joke about him a lot so that he became a bit of a meme among my friend circle, and at that point he instantly became my favorite goalkeeper. (plus, he looks super cute too...🥺)

yeah i have to admit, for a moment i may have gone crazy for him (he certainly looks older now but i kid you not, i would yell his name every time he appeared on camera during the euros, silly me) here comes the sad part though: 10 years is quite a long time in a soccer player's career, and it seems a lot of them have retired or are retiring due to their age, so it may come as a surprise for some that some of the old gang from the world cup 10 years ago were still playing in the euros. with the last players from back then - including the lovely keeper neuer himself - having announced their retirement from the german team by the time i started writing this post, the days of the world cup winners are pretty much over. god, i feel old every time i see photos of germany's world cup team this year's euros have left me with some beautiful memories, and made me a new soccer fan who's also nostalgic for the world cup champions. so, as a homage to this goalkeeper and the Weltmeister of 2014 i started a new tumblr blog where i would mostly repost german soccer stuff from the past years and maybe throw in some original content as well. @neuerstalgia - come check it out if you want ^_^ and, i said i would bring more content to my main, but i have to admit i wasn't being very productive these days. and it's not like i don't have anything to show - rather the opposite - i have been making stuff for my page but i often leave them unfinished, to the point where i just have too many drafts lying around. but i'll be a responsible citizen and finish them all 'cause i sure do have a lot of things and ideas i'd like to show to you. 💛 in other words, i'll try to spend more of my time publishing content to my blog. i've got a list of what i'd like to post here, but i don't want to spoil the surprise. but i'll tell you, it's going to be interesting :D so, i end the day by listening to a german song. look forward to more posts, doodles and reblogs from me and hope you all have a pleasant evening.

[seaofreverie]

Happy 1st anniversary to The Girl Is Crying In Her Latte! I felt like sharing some thoughts on the album for the occasion.

I rarely though about it until this very moment, but I just realized that I can definitely consider this album very special to me personally. Of course, most importantly it was the first album to come out after I learned about Sparks, and my 3rd album that I listened to from them overall, soon after Kimono My House and Propaganda. I already started considering myself a fan around then, but on the more casual side still I suppose (even though I could already tell by then that this was no random band I was getting interested in, but the start of a major hyperfixation, and, well, I was more than right about that). Still, I was definitely already looking forward to this album and planning to listen to it the day it was released. And so I did, and I loved it right away! The day of its release ended up being the same day that I was moving out of somewhere that I stayed the previous two years while studying, and my graduation was coming soon too. So now it has a bit of an end of an era feel to me too. I also remember listening to it a bit later, while visiting a city I've wanted to visit for a while during summer holidays... Some pleasant memories all around definitely.

Since that first listen I've actually had some slightly more mixed feelings about the album. I didn't think it was lacking or anything, I do think it's a brilliant album. Still, I couldn't help but feel like something was slightly "off" about it as a whole whenever I tried to listen to it, so I just had to start appreciating some of the songs on their own before I could come around to the whole album again. Which took a couple of months in the end, but I also have to keep in mind that in that time I was doing lots of catching up with the huge Sparks discography and all those related things, and putting most of my attention to that. I can definitely tell that I love this album now, both for what it is in itself and what it means to me too.

As for some song highlights, Veronica Lake was an early favourite both on this album and in that portion of Sparks' discography that I knew by that point, and it's still one of my favourites on TGICIHL. A Love Story also stood out quickly, I just think it's very fun and the kind of "weird" that I often end up loving in music. A bit later, and especially towards the end of last year, It Doesn't Have To Be That Way became THE song for me from this album however. A big part of it is the lyrics of course, I think it's fair to say that it's one of the most, let's say, relatable?, personal? that possibly ANY song has ever felt to me. Especially the following lines:

They always said that you need to have a plan

Doesn't matter, any plan, any plan they'll understand

It doesn't have to be that way, okay?

As I said, I graduated since, but felt pressured to make the next move in life immediately. It's like I wasn't even allowed to think about where I am now and where I could possibly go next, or even think about how, despite the hardships that came with it, I managed to finish my studies. Not to mention that post-graduation times turned out to be the start of my burnout that has only gotten worse progressively... Not being able to catch a real break without having to make SOME sort of decision, even if it was just continuing my studies with a different field of study, felt truly draining. So it was comforting to hear this sort of reassurance that it's alright if I don't have a plan or don't know where I should go next and if I feel lost and helpless most of the time. And it reminded me of the absurdity of making plans just so that you can say that you have some sort of plan, even if you don't truly want it or feel like it's the right way to go. So, well, actually: screw it! Try things and ditch them! I have since decided to drop out of my new college because it wasn't bringing me anywhere, it was just a "plan they'll understand", and I'm very glad I did.

To be completely honest for a second here, I often got sad (...to put it lightly, haha...) over the last couple of weeks, thinking back to the time of the release of this album and the accompanying tour that I'd later learn was a wonderful tour full of amazing and iconic moments. It wasn't just that I didn't get to see them in concert then, but that I also missed out on observing most of the tour fun as it was happening. Of course I caught up on it later, but, well, can't help but feel some kind of gloomy way about it all anyways, as you'd understand. But still, can't stay locked in the past yearning to relive it (but this time... properly?) forever, so I'm excited for what other wonderful things the future will bring! Sparks never stop going forward after all, so neither can I.

[the-firebird69]

Lowenbrau Beer [01] TV commercial - 1981

His throat was kind of clogged up a little with phlegm and it sounded really odd and he sounded like a African American that's what they wanted and they helped him get there and it sounded really odd and they changed it a little bit and they added a little bit of reverb that sounds like it is in a big huge room but really it's it's well concealed and they thought it was great they said this going to be a singer if she concentrated and you didn't want to be a singer and you had a few beers in you you're having a great time seeing it singing it and you can hear yourself and your concentrating and sound a little bit like you did a minute ago and people are not going to believe it but they see then he can look a little different he can look very Asian and they're going to laugh their asses off we find out it's true and if it's what happened and it's how he became vanilli from Milli vanilli and got sisters playing vanilli and they laughing her butt off today they said you're the lower Brown guy then tell Terry cheese when he has a job if he needs one cuz I need him to help out with it so he started laughing and said what do I do so I don't know find the old phone number and we have to get the beer going somehow out there and I have an idea and he says no way this is seriously those areas nobody's there they look $120 ft so he took it seriously and he started looking at it and he found a bunch of them because remember it's the song like hello and brown is like next but it doesn't have the German taste it's like Becks second if you mixbeks and rolling rock and our sunset molson golden so he got some he said wow this is good and he remembers low and bra he says he has to make new commercials we used to drink Red oaks together all the time or at least have my soda and the guys would all have a red oak

It's probably going to work and people like it and we're going to be brewing it and we would have local help each group and we will be there monitoring but really it's going to be a big company I already people talking about this commercial they say it sounds like him then they say it sounds like a black guy then it sounds like someone knows what they're doing and he made the lyrics up was ridiculous as hell is he's listening the first time and say but it sounds kind of cheesy and he's been thinking about a little she says and he says for the lyrics sound familiar they took my lyrics and he says no that's me singing it so he tried to have Biden send it to her and he's going I don't think I can do that because I know you're serious he's trying to listen to it and go through driving over there and we had lower bra and he says laughing and says you've got to be kidding me you know need to go fishing we never catch anything it's the kind of thing but we'd have food and drinks and BG and the guys and they're they're at the table and PG is laughing and he's saying this is what he was doing in the car and it's leaning forward it's sounded weird and it's not a little like a black guy I told her to shut up it's true too he's looking at me weird he didn't say shut up it was like a little bit like the deer in the headlights he says well that's pretty good and it was fun we all had a good time that was awesome having him on the radio it was going to be playing it well it's time to rest everybody

Thor Freya

We are all going to sansky have a Molson golden and take a nap

Shawnskee yeah they're all calling me that at UMass and Tommy Allen started it he says it's really true

This rules if he gets the company going we'll think it's him if he has something to do with it and then what yeah okay I'll probably be stupid

Tommy a

Olympus

[fanilys]

My experience at Number_i's 2024 Ariake concert

The Ariake concerts are now on Prime and I'm pretty sure Number_i's episode is the same show I went to. I've posted about how I prepared for the concert day, and now that my memory's been refreshed after watching the recording, I'd also like to talk more about my personal experiences and thoughts leading up to that day. I've watched the recordings of some of their concerts with KP as well as the Tokyo Dome concert back in March, but this is my first time watching them live, and also my first time watching any concert.

Since I was already going to Tokyo anyway, I also planned a whole vacation around it. I had been looking forward to it for months, but once I got there, a couple of things did not go as planned and I started to question whether it was a good decision to do all this after all. But then I remembered that the main reason for this trip was to see Number_i in concert, so I held on to that and tried not to be too negative. As long as I was able to make it to the concert and stay safe throughout my stay, then I'd still consider it a success.

As I've also mentioned in previous post, I only bought merch at the venue on the day of the show. I really wanted to buy a penlight since I felt like it could enhance the concert experience, but they were already sold out during my turn. I didn't plan on buying an uchiwa at first since I felt a bit awkward about holding up something with just one member's face. I would've preferred if there was one with all three of them. But I decided to buy one so I would still have something to hold during the show. I thought having three at the same time would be excessive, so I just got Hirano's since he was my first favorite among them and I liked his picture the most.

The size of the crowd was a bit of a shock to me, but it was generally orderly and I had some time to fix myself up before the show started. Even though I've read that Ariake Arena has a capacity of around 15,000, I couldn't really imagine what that number looked like until I was actually there. I'm not used to big crowds, but I thought it was amazing to see so many other fans who were also excited to be there. I don't personally know any other fans, so to suddenly be surrounded by other people who share the same enthusiasm for this group was really special. It was also a new experience to hear Number_i's songs being played around the venue while we were waiting outside. I was used to listening to them on my own, but hearing their songs in public made me even more excited.

During the application period, I applied for reserved seats and got selected for them. My seat was on the 2nd floor which was a bit far from the main stage, but had a good general view of the arena floor. Our section only had 2 rows, so it didn't feel crowded at all. As I was getting settled, the woman I was seated next to noticed my Hirano uchiwa and started a conversation with me since Sho was also her favorite. I tried to keep up as best as I can, but had to aplogize since my Japanese was only very limited. She seemed to know some English, so we were still able to chat for a bit. It was only a short conversation since there was still a language barrier, but it was just nice to meet a fellow fan and bond over our love for the group. As a fan, it made me feel welcome to be there even though I couldn't understand what most people were saying. It made me glad that I bought the Hirano uchiwa after all.

When the three of them appeared on stage for the first time, I felt a rush of excitement and relief that I couldn't hold back. I'd been wanting to watch them perform live ever since I became a fan of KP back then, but I didn't think it could happen anymore after the three of them left. It's a different group now, but my hope of watching them live was reawakened after they released their first single because I was once again in awe of their talent. Their new company also seems to be more open to international fans, so I thought I would at least try.

I had my hopes up for the Dome concert and started making plans already, but I didn't get selected for that and felt down about it for a while. When they announced their Ariake concert, I still planned to give it a try, but prepared myself for disappointment again. When I saw that I had been selected, I was ecstatic, but also very anxious. Of course, I was happy that I would get to see them soon, but I also knew that a lot of things could happen in between. Finally seeing them on stage after months of anticipation made it all worth it. All of my little troubles melted away for the meantime as soon as the first performance started. We were allowed to record the first 3 songs, and when I watched the video I took after the show, I was surprised to hear how loudly I cheered during that first reveal! It was so thrilling to witness first-hand.

The audience cheered throughout the show, but nowhere near as loudly as I thought they would. I've heard that's common for concerts in Japan, but it may also be because I was in a less crowded section. I was still able to cheer a lot, but I did find myself holding back when I felt that everyone else had gone quiet. The good thing about it was that I was able to hear the guys clearly and focus on their performances.

The moving stages allowed them to get closer to different sections of the arena. Although they probably couldn't see me, I still got excited and waved at them whenever they were near us. I hoped my energy and support would still reach them 😅 When I got a closer look, I realized that they really looked the same as they do on screen. They're all cool and handsome guys, but in that moment, I would describe them all as incredibly cute! Particularly Jin, who I thought looked even cuter and more youthful in person even though I already knew that he's the youngest among them. They also sound almost exactly as they do in their songs, so honestly, there were times when I had to remind myself that I was actually watching them in the flesh 😂 They hit all the right notes and I realized once again how beautiful their voices are. Kishi's strong and unwavering vocals were the most striking for me, but Sho also had a smooth, almost calming voice.

I could only understand some parts of the MC portion, but I still enjoyed their energy. One of the reasons why I liked them in the first place was that they were entertaining to watch even if I couldn't understand everything they were saying. The woman next to me also let me know what was going on during some of the times they were interacting with the audience, which I was really grateful for. I'm glad the Prime broadcast has English subtitles too, so I was able to enjoy it fully this time. They seemed to cut the part when these photos were taken though, which is a bit sad since that was one of the moments from the MC portion that stuck out the most to me.

ETA: I almost forgot—I'm pretty sure Kishi did his "happiness" bit at some point too, but they also removed that from the broadcast. It felt somehow iconic to be able to hear that live lmao, so I'm a bit sad I couldn't relive that moment. I only remembered because Kishi also did that during their first Youtube live a few days ago, but other fans have noticed that it was cut from the archive. I wonder why.

Of course, it would've been better if I understood everything during the concert itself, but it was still fun to watch their banter. It was also endearing to hear each of their distinct laughs in person.

The concert was a lot of fun and honestly more chill than I was expecting, probably in part due to the crowd's decorum. I tried my best to be present and commit everything to memory, but the whole show really flew by. From my seat, it was a bit challenging to appreciate all the details of the choreography due to the distance. I was also looking back and forth between the members on stage and on the screens, so some of it became a blur, but I still really enjoyed all of the performances.

Even though I've already listened to GOAT so many times since its release, it still felt fresh to hear live and it was the best song to keep me and the crowd hyped up until the end. The last song, Yumeno Tsuzuki, is one of my favorite songs of theirs and it was lovely to hear them sing it, but it really enhanced the bittersweet feeling of the show coming to a close.

It felt surreal to go back home (to where I was staying) knowing that the thing I had been looking forward to for months, and at times stressing out about, was finally over. I suddenly had the feeling of wanting to see them again right away even though I knew that, given my circumstances, it would take a while for that to happen. For now, I was just happy that I was able to have this one experience. I ate a hearty dinner that night and was happy to see their instagram posts after the show.

Even though the concert felt like it was over too quickly, I was fully content and happy at the end of it. I realized that maybe it was a good thing that I didn't get selected for the Dome concert. At least this time around, I had more time to prepare. The size of the crowd and duration of the concert for Ariake were also just right for me as a first timer. I feel like I might've been more overwhelmed if I went to the Dome concert, especially since Number_i had a shorter set then, so I was thankful that this was the one I got selected for instead.

They will be having a tour around Japan starting on October. I did think about taking another trip for it, but for now I've decided to pass since it would probably be smarter to save more money first. I'm holding on to hope that there will be another opportunity for me to see them again. Right now, I just feel so blessed that I got to see them at their first solo concert as Number_i. This memory will always be precious to me ♡

[sinceileftyoublog]

GUM Interview: Use It or Lose It

Photo by Grant Spanier

BY JORDAN MAINZER

One of my recurring dreams involves missing chunks or even the entirety of festival sets of my favorite bands. I'm always glad when I wake up, remembering that it's the dead of winter, reminiscing on the musical events of the previous summer and looking forward to the months to come. At the same time, I'm taken by the fact that these anxieties are all-but made-up by my brain. "Race To The Air", the lead track from Jay Watson's latest GUM album Saturnia (Spinning Top), puts a positive spin on similar perturbations: rushing through a festival crowd so you don't miss a band playing your favorite song. With sweeping strings and elongated jams with squalling guitars and drum fills, it's the soundtrack of passing by the various stages and the disparate sounds you hear, or perhaps even the contradictions within your favorite song itself, the product of a restless head.

Watson, while raising his newborn son, worked on the Saturnia songs, essentially, in his restless head. Though they certainly changed from conception to recording, each song is an homage to music-making and how it can shape the inner workings of our minds. The sort-of title track "Saturnism" refers to an old-school term for lead poisoning, inspired by Watson and his then-pregnant partner and their child moving into a new house that had lead paint on the walls, about which Watson became paranoid. "An avalanche of cognitive dissonance and harmony / Eloquently null and void / Consequently paranoid / And even though I try to fight / There is a sore upon my mind," he sings, his worries lurking behind every note on the record. There's "Muscle Memory", whose antithesis is crippling doubt, not being able to play music after periods of inactivity. The very title of "Fear Of Joy" suggests that behind everything positive is something else sinister, or vice versa, a shimmery, tempo changing, bossa nova-imbued song that's unexpectedly life-affirming. "If you've had enough of living / Think of someone who loves you and stay," Watson repeats. "Someone who loves you," could be Watson's partner and children; perhaps it's his songs. After all, Saturnia is his declaration that writing and recording is the most remedial act of all.

I asked Watson some questions over email about Saturnia, healing, playing live, and his songwriting tendencies. Below, read his responses, edited for clarity.

Since I Left You: A lot of Saturnia seems to deal with the tangible aspects of music (how it sounds, playing it) versus the more abstract aspects of it (the compositional process, the context). Do you tend to think about music that way?

Jay Watson: I think the way that I think about music is always a mix of those two elements, the practical and the abstract. Purely practical, and the music is rote and stale, and purely abstract, and it's not that enjoyable to listen to.

SILY: The title "Muscle Memory" makes me imagine you, after months of writing in your head, picking up your instruments to bring to life what you were thinking. Do you find you need some warm up time after long periods of inactivity?

JW: To be honest, my ability to write and play music drops off so quickly after a period of inactivity that I'm terrified of taking a break. It really is a muscle you have to keep active.

SILY: "Argentina" is an old, retro-sounding riff you wrote juxtaposed with unexpected tempos. Does layering seemingly disparate elements help you avoid wearing your influences too much on your sleeve?

JW: I didn't really think about it like this. I think that writing with this sort of critical thinking in mind prevents ideas from being interesting or natural or honest. In terms of influences, I have as many as ever, but I find they don't come out as obviously as they used to.

SILY: How does the visual identity of Saturnia (the album art, the videos) complement and/or contrast the music itself?

JW: It's all a reflection of where I'm at at the time, musically and visually. I try not to keep it too focused all together because it can come across a bit product-y when everything matches perfectly.

SILY: The title of the album is an old name for lead poisoning, referring to your paranoia about lead-based paint in your new house. Was making this album therapeutic in helping you conquer that fear?

JW: For sure. Most of my music is about fear and love and how it's related. Making music is my way of dealing with that without having to explicitly talk about it all day.

SILY: The song "Real Life" reminds me of something from Beck's Sea Change. Even if that wasn't an influence or even if Beck isn't someone you listen to, do you admire artists like him with shapeshifting musical personas?

JW: Yeah, I've always wanted to make any music that I've felt like, even if it doesn't come out in a realistic way. The attempt and failure to do a style of music authentically is where new ideas lie, I think.

SILY: How are you bringing the Saturnia songs to the live stage? Is adapting them to a performance as artistically rewarding as writing and recording them in the first place?

JW: It's artistically rewarding for sure, especially because I get to improvise on guitar a lot more than on the recordings. I've been having so much fun just making up lines and melodies and noise on the spot.

SILY: Are you the type of songwriter that's always writing? Anything else next for you?

JW: If you don't use it, you lose it! I've got a lot in the pipeline, but not much time to finish it all, so I'm just trying to get things done one at a time.

SILY: What have you been listening to, watching, and reading lately?

JW: I saw this band Geese in the US, which blew me away. I've been listening to their new record. I've been digging the new Tex Crick album Sweet Dreamin'.

[rubylane]

*   𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐑  𝐁𝐘  𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐀  𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐎  .      lyric starters from sour, change pronouns as needed.

𝐛𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐥 .

❛   i  want  it  to  be ,  like ,  messy .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  insecure .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  caught  up  in  the  news  of  who  likes  me  and  who  hates  you .  ❜ ❛   they’d  all  be  so  disappointed .  ❜ ❛   where’s  my  fucking  teenage  dream ?  ❜ ❛   i  don't  stick  up  for  myself .  ❜ ❛   i'm  anxious  and  nothing  can  help .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  people  liked  me  more .  ❜ ❛   all  i  did  was  try  my  best .  ❜ ❛   this  the  kind  of  thanks  i  get ?  ❜ ❛   i  wish  i  could  disappear .  ❜ ❛   god ,  it's  brutal  out  here .  ❜ ❛   i  feel  like  no  one  wants  me .  ❜ ❛   i  only  have  two  real  friends .  ❜

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐫 .

❛   i  played  dumb  but  i  always  knew .  ❜ ❛   i  kept  quiet  so  i  could  keep  you .  ❜ ❛   ain’t  it  funny  how  you  said  you  were  friends ?  ❜ ❛   you  betrayed  me .  ❜ ❛   i  know  that  you'll  never  feel  sorry .  ❜ ❛   loved  you  at  your  worst  but  that  didn't  matter .  ❜ ❛   but  you’re  still  a  traitor .  ❜ ❛   there’s  no  damn  way  that  you  could  fall  in  love  with  somebody  that  quickly .  ❜ ❛   and  you  told  me  i  was  paranoid .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  that  you  had  thought  this  through  before  i  went  and  fell  in  love  with  you .  ❜

𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 .

❛   i  got  my  driver's  license  last  week .  ❜ ❛   she's  everything  i'm  insecure  about .  ❜ ❛   how  could  i  ever  love  someone  else ?  ❜ ❛   i  know  we  weren’t  perfect  but  i’ve  never  felt  this  way  for  no  one .  ❜ ❛   i  just  can’t  imagine  how  you  could  be  so  okay  now  that  i’m  gone .  ❜ ❛   all  my  friends  are  tired  of  hearing  how  much  i  miss  you .  ❜ ❛   i  kinda  feel  sorry  for  them .  ❜ ❛   they'll  never  know  you  the  way  that  i  do .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you  didn't  mean  what  you  wrote  in  that  song  about  me .  ❜ ❛   i  still  see  your  face  in  the  white  cars .  ❜ ❛   can't  drive  past  the  places  we  used  to  go  to .  ❜ ❛   i  still  fuckin’  love  you .  ❜ ❛   i  still  hear  your  voice  in  the  traffic .  ❜ ❛   you  said  forever .  ❜ ❛   now  i  drive  alone  past  your  street .  ❜

𝟏 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝, 𝟑 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐬 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 .

❛   i  called  you  on  the  phone  today .  ❜ ❛   all  i  did  was  speak  normally .  ❜ ❛   somehow  i  still  struck  a  nerve .  ❜ ❛   you  got  me  fucked  up  in  the  head .  ❜ ❛   never  doubted  myself  so  much .  ❜ ❛   like  am  i  pretty ?  ❜ ❛   i  hate  that  i  give  you  power  over  that  kinda  stuff .  ❜ ❛   it's  always  one  step  forward  and  three  steps  back .  ❜ ❛   i’m  the  love  of  your  life  until  i  make  you  mad .  ❜ ❛   do  you  love  me ,  want  me ,  hate  me ?  ❜ ❛   no,  i  don't  understand .  ❜ ❛   maybe  in  some  masochistic  way  i  kind  of  find  it  all  exciting .  ❜ ❛   which  lover  will  i  get  today ?  ❜ ❛   will  you  walk  me  to  the  door  or  send  me  home  crying ?  ❜ ❛   did  i  say  something  wrong ?  ❜ ❛   did  i  do  something  wrong ?  ❜ ❛   maybe  this  is  all  your  fault  instead .  ❜ ❛   i'd  leave  you,  but  the  rollercoaster's  all  i've  ever  had .  ❜

𝐝𝐞𝐣𝐚 𝐯𝐮 .

❛   i  bet  she’s  braggin’  to  all  her  friends .  ❜ ❛   so  when  you  gonna  tell  her  that  we  did  that ,  too ?  ❜ ❛   she  thinks  it's  special,  but  it's  all  reused .  ❜ ❛   do  you  call  her ,  almost  say  my  name ?  ❜ ❛   that  was  our  place .  ❜ ❛   i  found  it  first .  ❜ ❛   do  you  get  déjà  vu ?  ❜ ❛   let’s  be  honest ,  we  kinda  do  sound  the  same .  ❜ ❛   i  hate  to  think  that  i  was  just  your  type .  ❜ ❛   that  was  the  show  we  talked  about .  ❜ ❛   don’t  act  like  we  didn’t  do  that  shit ,  too .  ❜ ❛   a  different  girl  now,  but  there's  nothing  new .  ❜

𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝟒 𝐮 .

❛   well ,  good  for  you .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you  moved  on  really  easily .  ❜ ❛   remember  when  you  said  that  you  wanted  to  give  me  the  world ?  ❜ ❛   you  look  happy  and  healthy .  ❜ ❛   not  me ,  if  you  ever  cared  to  ask .  ❜ ❛   you’re  doin’  great  out  there  without  me .  ❜ ❛   god ,  i  wish  that  i  could  do  that .  ❜ ❛   i’ve  lost  my  mind .  ❜ ❛   i’ve  spent  the  night  cryin’  on  the  floor  of  my  bathroom .  ❜ ❛   you’re  so  unaffected .  ❜ ❛   i  really  don't  get  it .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you’re  gettin’  everything  you  want .  ❜ ❛   it's  like  we  never  even  happened .  ❜ ❛   what  the  fuck  is  up  with  that ?  ❜ ❛   it's  like  you  never  even  met  me .  ❜ ❛   remember  when  you  swore  to  god  i  was  the  only  person  who  ever  got  you ?  ❜ ❛   you  will  never  have  to  hurt  the  way  you  know  that  i  do .  ❜ ❛   maybe  i'm  too  emotional .  ❜ ❛   your  apathy’s  like  a  wound  in  salt .  ❜ ❛   maybe  you  never  cared  at  all .  ❜

𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 .

❛   ‘cause  i  thought  you'd  like  me  more .  ❜ ❛   tried  so  hard  to  be  everything  that  you liked .  ❜ ❛   stupid ,  emotional ,  obsessive  little  me .  ❜ ❛   i  knew  from  the  start  this  is  exactly  how  you’d  leave .  ❜ ❛   the  nеxt  second,  you  were  gone .  ❜ ❛   you  left  me  there  crying .  ❜ ❛   you  always  say  i'm  never  satisfied .  ❜ ❛   but  i  don't  think  that's  true .  ❜ ❛   all  i  ever  wanted  was  to  be  enough  for  you .  ❜ ❛   maybe  i’m  just  not  as  interesting .  ❜ ❛   you  couldn't  have  cared  less  about  someone  who  loved  you  more .  ❜ ❛   i’d  say  you  broke  my  heart .  ❜ ❛   but  you  broke  much  more  than  that .  ❜ ❛   now  i  don't  want  your  sympathy .  ❜ ❛   i  just  want  myself  back .  ❜ ❛   don’t  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  be  used  and  discarded ?  ❜ ❛   don’t  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  think  i  deserve  nothing ?  ❜ ❛   don't  tell  me  you're  sorry .  ❜ ❛   feel  sorry  for  yourself .  ❜ ❛   someday  i'll  be  everything  to  somebody  else .  ❜ ❛   you'll  be  the  one  who's  crying .  ❜ ❛   i  don't  think  anything  could  ever  be  enough  for  you .  ❜

𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐫 .

❛   i  thought  my  heart  was  detached .  ❜ ❛   does  she  mean  you  forgot  about  me ?  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you're  happy  but  not  like  how  you  were  with  me .  ❜ ❛   i’m  selfish,  i  know  .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you’re  happy .  ❜ ❛   but  don’t  be  happier .  ❜ ❛   an  eternal  love  bullshit  you  know  you’ll  never  mean .  ❜ ❛   now  i’m  pickin’  her  apart .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  you  all  the  best ,  really .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you’re  happy,  but  don't  be  happier .  ❜

𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐲, 𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐲 .

❛   i  kinda  wanna  throw  my  phone  across  the  room .  ❜ ❛   wish  i  didn't  care .  ❜ ❛   i  know  their  beauty’s  not  my  lack .  ❜ ❛   It  feels  like  that  weight  is  on  my  back .  ❜ ❛   i  can't  let  it  go .  ❜ ❛   comparison  is  killing  me  slowly .  ❜ ❛   i  think  i  think  too  much .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  sick  of  myself .  ❜ ❛   i’d  rather  be  anyone  else .  ❜ ❛   my  jealousy  started  following  me .  ❜ ❛   i  see  everyone  getting  all  the  things  i  want .  ❜ ❛   i’m  happy  for  them,  but  then  again,  i’m  not .  ❜ ❛   i  can't  stand  it .  ❜ ❛   oh  god ,  i  sound  crazy .  ❜ ❛   their  win  is  not  my  loss .  ❜ ❛   i  can’t  help  getting  caught  up  in  it  all .  ❜ ❛   all  your  friends  are  so  cool .  ❜ ❛   yeah,  you're  living  the  life .  ❜ ❛   i  wanna  be  you  so  bad .  ❜ ❛   i  don't  even  know  you .  ❜ ❛   all  i  see  is  what  i  should  be .  ❜

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞 .

❛   know  that  i  loved  you  so  bad .  ❜ ❛   i  let  you  treat  me  like  that .  ❜ ❛   i  was  your  willing  accomplice .  ❜ ❛   i  watched  as  you  fled  the  scene .  ❜ ❛   the  things  i  did  just  so  i  could  call  you  mine .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime .  ❜ ❛   you  used  me  as  an  alibi .  ❜ ❛   i  crossed  my  heart  as  you  crossed  the  line .  ❜ ❛   i  defended  you  to  all  my  friends .  ❜ ❛   you  know  that  i'd  do  it  all  again .  ❜ ❛   it’s  bittersweet  to  think  about  the  damage  that  we’d  do .  ❜ ❛   i  was  doin’  it  with  you .  ❜ ❛   i  say  that  i  hate  you  with  a  smile  on  my  face .  ❜ ❛   look  what  we  became .  ❜

𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐮𝐫 𝐨𝐤 .

❛   somehow  we  fell  out  of  touch .  ❜ ❛   hope  he  took  his  bad  deal  and  made  a  royal  flush .  ❜ ❛   don’t  know  if  i’ll  see  you  again  someday .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  that  you're  okay .  ❜ ❛   we  don't  talk  much .  ❜ ❛   i  just  gotta  say  i  miss  you .  ❜ ❛   address  the  letters  to  the  holes  in  my  butterfly  wings .  ❜ ❛   nothing’s  forever .  ❜ ❛   nothing’s  as  good  as  it  seems .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you  know  how  proud  i  am  you  were  created .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  that  you're  happier  today .  ❜

[somewhatgreatexpectations]

Love Me, or Let Me Go (Wanda Maximoff/ Reader)

Hello!

Double Lizzie!

Um... No comment other than brace yourselves. Enjoy! :)

“Do you have to go?” You mumbled into Wanda’s collar bone, smiling slightly at the way she absently ran her fingers up and down your spine. “I think your skills will be better utilized here. With me.” You added, softly kissing the base of her neck.

Her body shivered as her hands began gently stroking through your hair. “I’m sorry, krasivaya. I have to.”

Curiosity blossomed in your chest when the foreign word fell from her lips. “What does that mean?”

“Beautiful.” She replied without hesitation. Your cheeks flushed at the term of endearment.

Making your way up her neck, you allowed your lips to linger teasingly at the corner of her mouth. “Is there a way I can convince you to stay?”

Once again, Wanda shivered, and you felt pleased at the way her breathing became uneven. “Y/n…” She whispered, gently tugging you forward to meet her lips in a heated kiss. A moment later she rolled onto you, her lips moving passionately against your own.

You easily wrapped your arms around her, pulling her close, so close that you weren’t sure where she ended, and you began.

The moment was interrupted by the shrill sound of a phone ringing. Wanda began pulling away, but you chased after her lips. “Ignore it.” You mumbled against her lips.

For a moment it seemed like she was going to ignore the call until the ringing started again. “I have to get that.” Wanda said quietly with a small smile. She pressed three quick kisses to your lips before she rolled off of you.

You groaned in displeasure and Wanda just laughed at your response.

As she stepped away to take the call, you pulled on your sweater that was carelessly thrown on the floor. For the first time since the day before you picked up your phone, noticing a few missed messages and calls. You decided to open the messages from Leigh first.

Is it socially acceptable

to throw hot coffee at

men when they whistle

at you? Asking for a

friend.

Sent 9:02 AM

You couldn’t help but laugh at the message as you scrolled on, seeing she had sent two more following the first one.

Jules said to bark at

them. Would that scare

them away or get me

institutionalized?

Sent 9:27 AM

Do you maybe want

to come over tonight?

Sent 2:46 PM

Reading over the last message surprised you. After the talk you had at your office you had begun to see glimpses of the Leigh you knew was hidden by the walls that she had built.

That’s not to say she changed overnight, but the hurricane had settled into a storm. You could navigate that.

Just as you were about to reply that you had plans, Wanda walked back into the room. A sheepish smile spread across her lips as she took a seat next to you. “Let me guess, you’re smiling like that because you’re staying, and we can watch movies and cuddle?” You murmured sarcastically.

Wanda leaned forward and once again pressed three short kisses to your lips. “Unfortunately not, dorogaya.” She took your hand in her own. “I actually have to leave now instead of later tonight. I should only be gone for a day or two though.”

You sighed, and Wanda smiled back at you. “I’m going to miss you.” You admitted. No time with Wanda ever seemed to be enough.

Without a word, she pulled you to your feet, tugging off the sweatshirt she was wearing in the process. All you could manage to do was stare at her in awe. She laughed and reached out to pull off your sweater as well which you easily complied with.

This woman isn’t real. There’s no way she’s real. Your thoughts screamed at you as your mind short-circuited at the sight of her. Wanda giggled.

Your brow furrowed in confusion when she pulled a sweatshirt back over your head. “What are you doing?” You asked with a puzzled smile.

Wanda put your sweater on before answering. “Now you have a piece of me and I have a piece of you. For when I miss you.” She leaned forward and lightly pecked your lips. “And you miss me.”

You melted at her words.

Once you had heard someone say that you don’t remember days, you remember moments and this moment here, with Wanda… This moment you’d remember forever.

Three words hung on your lips, but you forced them back down. It was too soon to say them. “Hurry back to me.” You whispered, giving her one final kiss.

“As fast as I can.” She promised with a soft smile, lingering in the doorway. Wanda always lingered before she left, as if it would be the last time she saw you. Butterflies filled your stomach with the way she looked at you before she sent you one final smile and closed the door behind herself.

With a content sigh, you threw yourself back on your bed, smiling up at the ceiling for a moment.

After a few minutes you pulled out your phone, erasing the reply you had begun to type out to Leigh and sending a new one.

Hey. I’ll be there.

Should I bring anything?

Read 3:11 PM

Institutionalized yet?

Read 3:12 PM

Not institutionalized

YET… but it’s still early.

Sent 3:13 PM

Can you bring flour?

We’re making pizza

from scratch tonight.

Sent 3:14 PM

What an accomplishment!

Cooking? I think you

forgot how terrible of

cook I am.

Read 3:15 PM

It really is, be proud.

It’s flour and water. How

hard can it be? Come over

at 6.

Sent 3:15 PM

If you say so. See you then.

Read 3:16 PM

_______________

It turned out making pizza from scratch was a lot harder than Leigh made it seem. “Why is it so… slimy?” You mumbled, poking what was supposed to be the dough with your finger. You made a face when it jiggled.

“I told you to follow the recipe.” Leigh called in a sing song voice from her place by the stove.

You rolled your eyes. “I did!” She pursed her lips but didn’t comment further. “Hey, there will be no judging!”

A small smirk spread across her lips as she stirred the sauce in the pan. “But I’m so good at it.” She quipped back sarcastically.

Petulantly you poked the dough again. “But I’m so good at it.” You mocked under your breath.

There was a soft click as Leigh turned off the stove, her eyes squinted at you slightly. “Are you mocking me?”

You shrugged challengingly. “What if I am?”

Leigh tilted her head slightly, her lips pressed together in an amused smile. “I don’t know…” She began walking towards the counter slowly as you eyed her wearily. You knew that look. She was up to something. “I might have to do this.”

Before you could react, she had tossed a hand full of flour your way. You gasped. “You didn’t.” Leigh bit her lip to fight back her laughter. “Oh, it’s on.”

As you reached for one of the tomatoes, she sprinted around to the other side of the counter. “Listen, Y/n, we can talk about this.” A short laugh fell from her lips as she mockingly held up her hands.

“What was that?” You grinned, raising the tomato slightly. Leigh’s eyes widened. “I couldn’t hear you with all this flour in my ears.” Quickly scrambling over the counter, you reached out and smashed the tomato into the front of her shirt.

That action unleashed chaos as you and Leigh chased each other around the kitchen with various items that were originally supposed to be for the pizza. When there were no ingredients left, you leaned against the counter, laughing at what disasters you both were.

Leigh laughed along with you and you felt your chest tighten when you heard the sound you had spent so long adoring. She looked so carefree. You missed that. “Alright. I’m going to go change now. Thank you for turning me into the beginnings of pizza dough.”

You playfully squinted your eyes at her. “Says the one who threw flour first.” She opened her mouth to retort. “Go change!” You playfully shouted with a laugh.

With one final teasing glare, Leigh walked off to her room. When she left, you turned to face the kitchen, wincing at the mess you two had made. With a one final grimace, you grabbed a rag and began wiping down the counter.

“Boo!” Jules said loudly, causing you to jump in surprise.

The shock of your friends sudden appearance made you clutch your chest as you shook your head in amusement at her. “Was that necessary?”

Jules shrugged as she leaned against the counter. “You look like a mess.” She commented offhandedly. You just laughed, not offering an explanation for your appearance.

A short moment of silence settled in the air as you continued cleaning up the mess. “Don’t give up on her.” Jules said suddenly.

You froze slightly. “What?”

Even though you didn’t turn you could hear Jules sigh. “On Leigh. Don’t give up on her.” She repeated quietly. “Last year was a nightmare for her. She lost Matt in more ways than one and learned some pretty painful things about him. And to be honest… I don’t think she ever really recovered from losing you either.”

You clenched the rag tightly in your hands before begrudgingly turning to face her. “I’m not giving up on her, Jules. Why do you think I’m here? I want to be her friend again. To be there for her.”

“That’s not what I meant.” You furrowed your brows in confusion. “Look, Matt was amazing, and Leigh loved him so much. We all did… but towards the end they had drifted apart. They weren’t on the same wavelength anymore. She had to compromise herself. I don’t think she's ever had to do that with you.”

You sighed, but Jules continued on. “Leigh isn’t used to being loved anymore. That’s why she pushes you away. That’s why she said what she did on her birthday.”

The tightening in your chest made a reappearance. “Yeah, well, Leigh made her decision two years ago.”

Jules subtly shook her head. “Someday she’s going to realize that your what she wanted all along... It may not seem like it, but she’s happiest when she’s with you.”

The weight of her words rendered you speechless as you stared blankly at a spot on the counter. “Jules, I-” Wanda’s name was on your lips when she interrupted you.

“She’s a lot, trust me, I know better than most… but don’t give up on her.” She repeated once more in a hurried voice. She stood up just in time for Leigh to walk back in. “Alright, have a fun night you two!” She called out as she rushed out the room, sending you one last meaningful look before she disappeared.

Leigh chuckled as she turned her attention to you. “What was that about?”

Through the fog in your mind you managed a weak, “Nothing.”. Leigh’s eyebrows raised curiously but she didn’t question it. “I’m going to go wash my face.” You mumbled rushing out of the room.

When you reached the bathroom you quickly splashed your face with water, trying desperately to shake Jules’ words from your mind. After a few minutes, you felt calm enough to make your way back to the kitchen.

Leigh was cleaning up, but she looked up when she heard you wander back in. “Hey, I ordered pizza. I didn’t think there was a way for us to salvage… this.” She gestured vaguely to the final creation left standing, your slimy pizza dough.

You shuddered at the sight. “We need to destroy that before it grows legs and walks out of here.” Leigh laughed as she dropped the ball of dough into the trashcan. “What’d you order?” You asked as you leaned your forearms against the counter.

Leigh mimicked your stance and tilted her head to face you. “Extra pineapple.” You stared at her in disbelief for a moment. “I’m kidding. I got spinach and sun-dried tomatoes. That’s still your favorite, right?”

A small smile spread across your lips. “Yeah… it’s still my favorite.” You said quietly. You knew she hated those toppings, but she ordered them anyway. The small action confused you.

________________

After you had both finished eating, you were both sat on the couch, talking casually when your phone buzzed. When you opened the message, you were greeted by a picture of Wanda with a goofy smile, wearing your sweater.

Miss you.

Sent 9:53 PM

The message was simple, but you couldn’t help the adoring way you smiled at your phone. Leigh quirked her eyebrows curiously. “What’s got you so smiley?” She peeked over before you could move your phone out of her sight. The smile on her face fell immediately. “Seriously?”

A heavy sigh fell from your lips at her tone. “Leigh-”

“What? So, are you dating now?” She asked, her words clipped.

Your gaze fell to the floor. “Yes- No- I don’t know? We haven’t talked about labels.” You admitted quietly.

Her lips pressed in a line as she shook her head disbelievingly. “Right. Well, tonight was fun. I’m going to bed now.”

As she stood you followed after her. “What’s your problem?” You demanded. Tired of all the back and forth.

“I don’t have a problem.” Leigh called over her shoulder, feigning disintrest as she continued making her way towards the staircase.

“You obviously do because every time I mention Wanda you shut down.” You grabbed her hand and spun her back around to face you.

Leigh yanked her hand out of your grasp. “Because you’re using her as a placeholder to get over me!” She shouted, making you flinch.

The heat of the moment made it impossible to process your words before they tumbled from your lips. “I’m not, I love her!”

Her mouth fell open as she stared at you in shock, the fight leaving her system. “…What?”

You pushed a frustrated hand through your hair. “I’m in love with her. With Wanda.” You sighed. Your gaze falling to the floor because you weren’t sure you could handle another minute under her scrutinizing stare. “With the way she plays with her fingers when she’s nervous. With the way she scrunches her nose when she’s excited. With the way she lingers in the doorway every time she has to leave. With the way she lets the world move around her because-”

“Why her?’ Leigh interrupted quietly. You tried to ignore the way her eyes glistened.

“Because whenever something happens, she’s the first person I want to tell.” You replied without missing a beat.

For a moment Leigh just stared at you. You noticed the way her lip quivered ever so slightly. “Did you love me?”

The shock of the question rendered you speechless for a moment. “You can’t be serious.” The way she blinked back at you made it clear she was serious. “I loved you to the point of ruin, Leigh. I loved you so much that I had to build myself from the ground up again because all that was left of me was ashes after you chose him.” Your breathing became ragged as you fought to push your words out. “I loved you enough to let you go but you keep pulling me back.”

Her gaze fell to the floor, but she didn’t respond. “Why do you even care? You don’t want me. You’ve made that perfectly clear.”

She paused and took a breath, her eyes never meeting yours. “Y/n, I never-… I l-… If you're going to leave then go.”

“You can’t keep doing this to me.” You sighed. “Love me or let me go, Leigh.”

You winced at your word choice but didn’t take them back. When it was clear she wasn’t going to say anything else, you nodded slightly, accepting the silence as her answer.

Unable to take it anymore, you turned and left.

_______________

Hours later you had fallen into a restless sleep until repetitive banging on your front door startled you awake. You were surprised to find Leigh on your doorstep, the bags under her eyes were more apparent than ever. Despite the situation, you couldn’t help but worry.

The worry faded when she spoke.

“I hate you.”

A disbelieving laugh fell from your lips. “Wow. Okay, that’s great, Leigh. Thank you for driving all the way over here at 1 in the morning to tell me that.” You began closing the door when she put her hand on it to stop you. You didn’t fight her.

Leigh continued as if you hadn’t even spoken. Her eyes glistened brightly under the light of the moon. "I hate you because every time I’m around you it feels wrong.”

You fought desperately to ignore the pain that bloomed in your chest at her words. “Alright. I get it, Leigh.” You mumbled staring down at the floor. You couldn’t understand why she was doing this. “You can go now.”

“I hate you because you make it so fucking hard to be around you and not love you.” Your eyes shot up to meet hers just as tears began falling down her cheeks. You couldn’t breathe. “It feels wrong because nothing about it feels wrong and it should. It feels wrong because everything about you feels right. You shouldn’t feel right, and I feel so fucking guilty, Y/n.”

All you could do was stare back at her, all your words wiped entirely from your mind. Her lip began to quiver once again. “Say something.” Leigh pleaded. You opened and closed your mouth, but no words came out.

Eventually your frustration took precedence because why now? Why not two years ago? “What do you expect me to say to that, Leigh?”

Leigh used her palm to wipe the tears that flowed steadily down her cheeks. “Say that you haven’t given up on me yet.” She whispered.

Jules words rang in your mind as you struggled to keep your breath steady. “Why now?”

“Because you’re like oxygen to me and I’ve been holding my breath for too long… Because I don’t want to lose you without knowing that I tried.” Leigh took your hand and held it to her chest, much like you did the day of her wedding. “Does it feel like this to you?”

Your breath hitched when she repeated the words you once told her back to you. “I love Wanda.” You whispered, feeling her hand slacken slightly in your own, but her eyes continued to shine with determination.

“Do you want us to be done?” She asked, holding her breath.

The way she was looking at you was unbearable as you shut your eyes to avoid the emotions that came with meeting her gaze. “I don’t- I don’t know.” You stuttered out.

“Well, I don’t. I don’t want us to be done.” When you opened your eyes again Leigh gently wiped away a tear that had fallen down your cheek.

For a moment you both stared at one another, the emotions making the air around you feel heavy. Leigh gently took one of your hands and slowly brought it up to her cheek. She lightly kissed the inside of your palm before she leaned into it. Your chest clenched as you watched her closely.

You allowed yourself to get lost in the feeling of her skin under your fingertips. Her lips parted slightly as you saw her eyes fall to your lips, her chest rising and falling unsteadily with shallow breathes.

A moment later, Leigh slowly leaned into you, her lips tentatively pressing against your own. You had kissed Leigh dozens of times before, but none had ever been like this. It was as though she was trying to pour all her emotions into this one kiss. To make you understand how she felt with this one kiss.

When you realized what was happening you quickly pulled away. “Leigh, stop. I can’t do this to Wanda.” You stepped back, putting a fair distance between you both.

Leigh’s eyes filled with sadness, but she nodded faintly. “Please, just think about what I said.” You nodded, not feeling up to saying anything else. “I’m not giving up on you.”

With a final nod, Leigh turned and got into her car which you watched drive away. All you wanted to do was scream in frustration.

____________________

Even though you were expecting it, the knock on your door made you jump. Anxiety quickly overcame you as you rushed over to open the door. Your heart thudded guiltily against your ribcage when your eyes fell on a smiling Wanda. “Hi, krasivaya.”

All you could do was leap into her arms, quickly pulling away when you felt her flinch. “Are you okay?”

Wanda managed an unconvincing nod as she pulled you back in. “Just fell on the trip, I’m okay. Holding you is worth it.” As gently as you could, you wrapped your arms around her and breathed in her sweet scent. The anxiety you felt earlier easing slightly in her presence.

“I missed you.” You said quietly, as you pulled her in and led her to the couch.

“I missed you too.” She replied back without hesitation. Your gaze fell to your lap and you could feel Wanda’s concern without even looking at her. “What’s wrong?”

Her fingers slid against your palm as she squeezed your hand gently. You had to tell her. Everything. “There’s something you should know.” You said quietly. The concern in Wanda’s eyes grew.

Part 5! Um... it had to happen. Also I feel like this part was particularly important because we got to see a different side of Leigh. Sure, she's a lot sadness most of the time but if you watch the show, she's actually kind of dorky when she's not mad or sad. Hopefully this showed more of her depth.

How's the team Leigh vs. Team Wanda debate?

I hope you all enjoyed! I am so excited to read all your comments about this part! Remember, thoughts and comments are always welcome. :)

Tag list:

@khiaraaa-in-spacee // @causeitswhatjesuswouldfreakingdo //@halobaby // @madamevirgo // @aimezvousbrahms //@trikruismybitch // @marvels-writings // @izalesbean // @imdreamingblo // @i-choose-you-cyndaquil // @helloalycia // @scarlets-maximoff // @cantcontroltheirfear // @women-am-i-right // @funnysoldier // @myfavoriteficss // @imapotatao // @imagine-reblog // @blackxwidowsxwife // @purplemeetsblue // @cristin-rjd // @raven-ss // @legaypandaboi

[from-the-clouds]

Kiss Me More (Part IIII) - Zemo/Reader

Masterlist | Part One | Part Two | Part Three | 

Summary: Reader ponders the decision they made after meeting Zemo in Riga. Series now complete!

Words: 5.2k

Warnings: Kissing, marijuana & alcohol abuse, heavy angst & depression, small reference to suicide, implied casual sex, yearning

A/N (also check out A/N at end when finished reading): This is it, everyone! I was going to end this completely differently originally, but after some thinking --  and some light peer pressure from ya’ll, I did something a little different. I did fight with this part the most out of all of them, so I hope it’s still good. Please enjoy. And thank you for all the love on this series, it’s been so fun to write! Also I was listening to this song while writing this.

---

The incessant buzz of her alarm clock jolted her out of her dreamless sleep. Fumbling in the dark, she slapped the top of it, hitting the snooze button and looking at the interface with bleary eyes. 

4:00 A.M. It stared, indifferent, back at her tired face. 

She groaned, squeezing her eyes shut and lamenting, bargaining, half expecting the clock to turn back time when she opened her eyes again. Unfortunately, it did not. With a huff, she threw back the covers and stretched, disturbing the orange cat that slept in the empty spot next to her where her husband used to lay. 

Snorting, the cat lifted its head to look at her as she climbed out of bed before curling back up in a ball where her feet had been. 

“Don’t mind me, just getting ready for work so I can feed us,” she said, grumpily, then in a moment of repentance, affectionately scratching her behind the ears. 

She had always been a night owl, so she didn’t think it would be possible to ever get used to waking this early. No human was meant to function at this time. It was the one part of the job she hated most. The rest of it was manageable, though it was still work. 

Setting about her morning routine, she showered, made coffee, and donned her uniform. Eating a day-old bagel and nursing her coffee on her tiny balcony, she looked out over the darkened horizon. It was far too early to even enjoy a sunrise. 

There was a saying, time heals all wounds. After her husband died, she’d heard it a lot. It was a saying she had come to find true. But it’d been well over a year since she’d left Helmut, alone in that swanky hotel room, and it still hurt like it was yesterday. 

“I understand,” he’d murmured, and she felt the ghost of his kiss on her forehead, arms around her waist, even now. She shivered, not from the chill of the morning air.

She’d left her old life behind, all of it. Sam and Bucky, too, about a month after their time in Riga. She couldn’t look them in the eyes after what she’d done.

But, she was proud of what they’d accomplished. They’d defeated the Flag Smashers. Bucky seemed happier, more at peace. Sam had accepted his role as the new Captain America. John Walker seemed to have faded into irrelevancy. All the loose ends had been tied up in a pretty little bow.

Except for hers.

Which is why she moved, sold all the stuff in her tiny NYC apartment, and packed her car full with what she couldn’t bear to part with, some photos and momentos from a different lifetime. Her car didn’t stop until she hit the Atlantic Ocean, on an island just south of Charleston. All but undiscovered by tourists, the residents in the sleepy beach town kept to themselves, and she could go about her life in peace, undisturbed. 

She couldn’t just run away from her problems, that was why she’d left Zemo. It seemed counterintuitive, but in her mind, it made sense. The problems would catch up to her, like they always had. The dissatisfaction she had with her life, with herself, was always going to return. And she knew she had to be alone to deal to face it head on. Like a wounded animal, crawling into the woods, there were only two ways things could end here; either she’d heal and come out stronger, or eventually she’d die. And so far, the healing part wasn’t going great. 

Each day was a matter of convincing herself that she’d made the right choice. Especially now, as her eyes burned, fighting to stay open against the inviting embrace of sleep. 

Despite it being dark outside, the bakery was bustling already when she walked in the service entrance. It smelled amazing, as always. Sweet and warm, a cacophony of aromas, baking bread, fresh coffee, sugar.

She set about the usual preparations to open up, packaging orders for the regulars, sweeping the floor, wiping down countertops. Once the place was open, she didn’t have to work the register, as she prepared batches of dough in the back for proofing, to be baked the next day. 

Before, she’d been a terrible cook, but she’d grown comfortable in the kitchen after learning to bake. There was something satisfying about working with her hands, at this point she’d memorized all the recipes and the work became second nature to her. Now, she always had fresh bread and pastries in her kitchen, although they were the slightly disformed, ones the shop owners deemed too ugly for the glass display cases. Daylight was cherished, even if she barely saw it inside the shop. Because while she was awake, busy with work, her thoughts remained pleasant.

At night it was the hardest. Things got quiet, lonely. When she got home, she poured herself a drink. Cheap whiskey, the kind that came in a plastic bottle and burned on it’s way down. She had never been much of a drinker before, she was now. Her thoughts were more manageable after a drink. Especially because she was usually thinking of Helmut. 

It was often that she wondered what he may be doing, and those thoughts usually ended with the image of him lying in the sun, poolside, on some island in the Pacific Ocean, drinking expensive champagne with a supermodel. It wasn’t a particularly comforting thought to her, and yet she was plagued by some variation of it every night. 

Sometimes, she’d humor herself, and imagine what they might be doing had she decided to stay with him. Unfortunately, thinking of that was more upsetting. She wanted it, selfishly, though she wasn’t willing to admit it.

When she was younger, it had been so easy to block out the pain, to just press forward, no matter what. Much to her dismay, it didn’t get easier as she got older. Years of watching those she loved in pain, years of being in pain had taken a toll on her resilience. She wasn’t the strong woman she once was, she was weak.

That night, one drink had turned into two, into three. Wallowing in her own self-pity had become second-nature, she felt like Hamlet, lamenting her circumstances, a constant turmoil monologuing in her brain. But this night felt particularly worse, for some reason. 

For the record, she had been doing better. But she was all-too-familiar with how grief worked, pulling her back down the dark side of the mountain, where she was forced to fight her demons over and over again. At some point, they were going to win.

It was a funny thing. Despite the loss of her husband, who she had loved dearly, his death had been easier to accept. Final. She couldn’t bring him back. Helmut on the other hand, was still out there, an open wound that could never fully heal.

Before she knew it, she was four drinks in, at her bedside table, fumbling through the bottom drawer, until she found what she was looking for.

Back on her couch, she stared at the card in her hand, the hastily written phone number on it, an international line. Helmut had given it to her, the day she left, stuck it in her purse while she wasn’t looking. She didn’t discover it until she had returned home.

It had been months since she last did this, pulled the card out of its hidden place in her drawer, placed it on the coffee table in front of her next to her phone, and considered dialing it. It had been a frequent occurrence when she first moved here, when she couldn’t find a job and spent most of her mornings either hungover, or stumbling home from rendezvous with men whose names she wouldn’t remember, and she wouldn’t care to, because there was only one man she really wanted. She could only hope he’d be as close as one call away. But she never called. 

I mean really, he’d probably moved on by this point. If she was going to call, she should have done it months ago, when there was more of a chance that he’d give a fuck. 

She considered this a setback. But she’d made her way halfway through the cheap bottle of whiskey, it was the drunkest she’d been in ages and she was curious. She didn’t know whose number it was, who’d be on the other end of the line, and never knew why Helmut would want her to have it to begin with.  

At this point, she wasn’t capable of good decision making. In general, it hadn’t always been her strong suit. So why did doing the right thing matter now? It didn’t, she decided. 

Taking a swig of whiskey straight from the bottle, she ensured she wouldn’t remember what happened next, at least not clearly. 

The phone rang twice before someone picked up. “Hello?” she didn’t recognize the sound of the man on the other end of the line immediately, so she didn’t answer. All she had wanted to do was maybe hear Helmut’s voice, he didn’t even need to know it was her that was calling. 

“Hello?” the man repeated, and she realized it wasn’t completely unfamiliar. The grandfatherly, comforting tone wasn’t her former lover, but someone close to him. And she supposed that wasn’t terrible.

“Is this Oeznik?” she asked. 

“It is,” he said after some hesitation. “May I ask who’s speaking?”

Truthfully, she was shocked she’d allowed herself to go this far. This was a bad idea. If she stopped now she could get off without doing any real damage. But just as she was about to hang up, she heard her name, muffled, on the other end of the line. 

“H-How do you know it’s me?” She raised the phone back to her ear. 

“I thought you sounded familiar,” Oeznik chuckled, low and soft. “Helmut told me you might call.”

“He did?” she squeaked. “Yes, although it was awhile ago. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I uh….I….well….” she managed. “I guess I just….I guess I wanted to see how he was doing.”  Her words flowed together like the liquor she was drinking, she knew she sounded drunk.

“Good, since we last spoke,” he said. “I don’t hear from him much these days...maybe every couple months. As you might imagine, he’s trying to keep a low profile for the time being.”

She nodded. Perhaps Zemo was as lonely as she was, hidden away in some cabin in the middle of nowhere. Though she had to imagine it looked much nicer than her current place, and maybe he had better company than a portly orange cat that begrudgingly liked him. “I understand.”

“How have you been?” he asked.

It sounded stupid, but she realized it was the first time someone had asked her that. Sincerely. Checked up on her. Even if she was the one who had dialed the number in the first place.

“I’m good,” her voice cracked. “Just keeping busy.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” he said. “Helmut always had such nice things to say about you.”

“Really?” she couldn’t stop herself. 

“Of course, would you like me to let him know you called?” 

“No, no...I wouldn’t want to bother him,” she choked on her words, something catching in her throat.

“Are you sure you’re alright, dear?”

“I’m okay, I just….” she felt tears prick at the back of her eyes, lowering her voice, since she didn’t think her normal register would come out as anything other than a whine. “I think I made a horrible mistake.”

“What’s the matter? What did you do?”

She shook her head, shaking the tears loose and now they were lining her lashes, threatening to spill over. However, she managed to make the next words she spoke come out clearly. “Nothing, I just...it’s really stupid, I really shouldn’t have called.”

He sighed on the other end of the line, and she felt like, despite her attempt at staying calm, he could still see that she wasn’t somehow. “It seemed Helmut was awfully sweet on you,” Oeznik’s words next came hesitantly, calculated. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but he told me if you ever called, to help you with whatever you might need, no matter the ask.”

Oh God, what had she done? A sob left her, one she couldn’t control, and she clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle any more. Her tears were flowing freely now, tracking down her cheeks and along her chin. She wiped at them clumsily, clearing her throat. 

“That’s very kind of him, but you can’t help me. I’m so sorry to bother you, please just forget I even called,” she forced a smile on her face so that hopefully he could hear it. “Goodbye.”

She hung up, horrified, and within seconds had deleted the call log from her phone. She’d been thoughtful enough not to memorize the number, and the lighter she used whenever she smoked sat in front of her. Without a second though, she burned the card, watching the paper blacken and disintegrate, until it was all but a pile of soot on her Wal-Mart coffee table. It was a fair punishment, and ensured she’d never get the chance to embarrass herself like that again. 

And then she cried, sobbed into a pillow next to her, until her tears ran dry and she wore herself out, falling asleep on the couch alone. When she’d wake the next morning, the only evidence of her actions would be a throbbing headache and a dead phone. 

She wouldn’t remember the call.

----

Life went on, as it always did. It had been about a month, and since that night she grew more indifferent, remembered how to ignore heartbreak. For now, she was stuck in her purgatory, waking up before the sun and falling asleep before it set, smoking joints, drinking cheap liquor, and going on the occasional date with people who she didn’t really like, tourists who would leave after a week and wanted temporary company. 

Despite everything, she partly believed things were getting better. Maybe they weren’t, but the possibility that someday they would seemed feasible. And that was enough, for now. 

On her days off, she’d walk to the beach and lay on a blanket, reading a book until the sun dipped below the horizon and lit up the sky in hues of pinks and purples. She found a record player at an antique store and began collecting vinyls, listening to obscure artists whose albums she found in the $1 bin. It wasn’t so bad. Life wasn’t so bad. 

She took a shower after work. Tomorrow was her off day, and she wasn’t sure what she had planned besides maybe watching a movie and getting stoned. Maybe she’d try going to the beach. The weather was getting warmer, and she could even go swimming if the water wasn’t too cold. 

Exhausted from her day of work, she laid down in her bed, still in her robe, her hair wrapped in a towel around her head. The sun was setting outside, the windchimes she’d hung outside slowly clanging together, birds singing in the warm spring air. Her cat hopped on the bed, offered an affectionate trill and curled up at her side, purring, in a rare display of affection. A cool breeze drifted through the open window. And for the first time in over a year, she felt content. Closing her eyes, she savored the moment, committed it to memory, so she could recall it the next time she was drunk-crying in front of her TV. 

She fell asleep slowly, so slowly that when she woke, startled by something in her kitchen clattering to the floor, it felt like she hadn’t even been sleeping at all. The clock next to her red 11:31 p.m. and it was pitch dark outside, the cool breeze from before had grown stronger and her bedroom curtains were billowing, wind whistling loudly through the apartment. Her cat had left her side, and she frowned, shivering in the sudden cold.

Pulling the towel off her head, she made her way over to the window with the intention to close it, sleepily, lazily, until she heard something else. A creak in the floorboard. A heavy footstep in her kitchen. That wasn’t just her cat. 

Some kind of muscle memory was ignited then, an ancient instinct that called to her from a different lifetime. Darting across the room, the gun she kept was in her hand, stealthily pulled from its hiding spot beneath her mattress. Truth be told, she never thought she would’ve needed it. Anyone looking for her would be smart enough to kill her in her sleep, not be so foolish as to wake her first with their heavy footsteps. 

A dark silhouette stalked through her kitchen, moving slowly. It was a man, she assumed, based on his broader figure, and lack of coordination. In her experience, women were often stealthier without trying. He took another step, the floor creaking below him, shuffling on bargain linoleum. 

Staying low, she crept forward, ducking stealthily behind furniture, avoiding the spots on the floor she knew made noise. It didn’t appear the intruder had a weapon, in fact, it seemed he was bumbling about, searching for something. A burglar, and a bad one at that. An island full of vacation homes owned by rich doctors and they thought they’d find valuables in her shitty apartment?

It wasn’t until she was standing directly behind him, gun aimed at his head, that she finally spoke up. 

“I believe you’ve come to the wrong place,” she said flatly. “Whatever you’re looking for, it’d be in your best interest to leave empty-handed.”

Her eyes were still adjusting to the dark, but the intruder froze, arms slowly raising in defeat, empty-handed, as he turned around to face her. In the dingy room, she couldn’t make out any of his features, could only see that he was clad in all black.

“Unfortunately, liebling, that wasn’t my intention.” 

She would’ve recognized that voice anywhere, though the endearment he’d used was enough to clue her in. Hitting the lightswitch with her free hand, she was face to face with the man she’d spent the past year trying to purge from her memory, Helmut Zemo. 

Her gut twisted, her mind raced, but the only thing currently bubbling up, over the surface of every other emotion was the pure, seething rage left behind in the wake of fearing for her life.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” she stepped towards him, gun still raised, fuming. 

“Hey, hey!” he staggered backwards, hands raised, eyes averted. 

“I thought you were a fucking robber!” she hissed. “I thought you were here to kill me!”

“Lower your voice,” he scolded. “You’re going to wake your neighbors.”

Taking a deep breath, she realized she still had her gun trained on him and she lowered it, clicking the safety and discarding the weapon on the countertop. “What the fuck?” she asked. “What the hell is wrong with you? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I didn’t know you had such a mouth on you,” he smirked, but she wasn’t finished, and she glowered at him. 

“You broke into my apartment!” she growled.

“I had to be sure I was in the right place.”

“Yeah? You couldn’t have knocked first?”

He nodded, eyes trailing down to her hands, which were trembling, she hadn’t even realized. He seemed to understand what he’d done then, and she flexed her fingers, eyes locking with his. “I suppose...you may be right,” he said, surrendering.

She felt the rage subsiding as she took in his appearance. He looked not so different from the last time she’d seen him, except a fair amount of stubble covered his jawline in a short beard. He was still devastatingly handsome. Zemo’s dark eyes, filled with longing, drank her in, tilting his head as his gaze shifted to her lips. It was like she could read his mind, she knew what he wanted, what he was thinking. And her body was going to betray her if he kept it up.

Despite everything, she was still upset. Upset and embarrassed, as the light was doing an unflattering expose of her tiny, cluttered apartment, full of mismatched furniture and water-damaged wallpaper that her landlord refused to replace. It probably gave the prison cells that Helmut had spent years in a run for their money, and was in stark contrast to every other aspect of his life.

“What’s this?” he asked, gesturing to the empty liquor bottles on her countertop, stowed in her trash can. “Have you been drinking?”

“Not tonight,” she quipped, on guard. Had to be. As much as some old instinct told her to throw herself into his arms, press her lips to the underside of his jaw, and let him envelope her in the comfort of his embrace, she knew she couldn’t.

“Hmm,” he brushed past her, frowning, looking disappointed, as he made his way to her living room. 

“How did you find me?” she asked, eyeing him wearily.

“I’m a wanted man, I trace every call that comes into my estate,” he said over his shoulder. 

Helmut was taking inventory of the cramped space, staring at the photos she’d hung in a collage on the wall behind her couch, with a few watercolors painted by her late husband. One in particular, that he was focused on now, was from her wedding. Of all the memories she chose to hang, this one was her fondest, her former partner was all dark curly hair falling into deep blue eyes, and she was the portrait of a blushing bride, wearing a dopey love-drunk smile, gazing at him, ignoring the camera. 

“You looked so beautiful on your wedding day,” he said, turning over his shoulder to look at her. He was so out of place here, standing in her living room, for a moment she thought he might be a hallucination, some physical manifestation of the heartbreak she’d experienced. “Although that doesn’t surprise me.”

She flushed, suddenly self-conscious in her thin black robe and still-damp hair. It occurred to her that she wasn’t looking her best, which made this whole situation that much more disconcerting. However, the compliment disarmed her slightly, and the anger she felt began to dissipate, slowly. She was going to offer him something to drink until her cat, who had been absent through the chaos, suddenly jumped up on the back of the couch and promptly hissed at him in an attempt to defend her territory.

“Pumpkin, be nice,” she said, although it was mostly to placate Helmut. Pumpkin never listened to her. 

Helmut let her sniff his hand, and she was stunned when the cat rubbed her face against it. Of course, Pumpkin would like him of all people. That made sense. Then again, she supposed it made them not so different. He turned away to look at the rest of the room. “I see you haven’t kicked that bad habit you told me about,” he gestured at the ashtray full of roaches on the coffee table. 

“Did you just come to my place to insult me?” she asked, putting her hands on her lips and feigning confidence. She could’ve rolled over and cried and told him how much she missed him, how many nights she’d spent crying over him, and while all of it was true, she felt indignation was the better option for her self-preservation.

“That’s a good question,” Helmut turned to face her now, hands in the pockets of the leather jacket he was wearing. Completely inappropriate for the weather here, but he didn’t seem to notice, or care. “Why do you think I’m here?” he asked.

She shrugged, feigning indifference. “I don’t know, but you shouldn’t be.”

He snorted, his frustration evident, and she saw a glimpse of the man that so many feared, the side that had earned him his dangerous reputation, that had him locked away in a high-security prison for nearly a decade. “I didn’t come all this way for nothing, draga, we’re going to have it out.”

“Fine,” she said, lacing as much venom as she could into her words to prepare herself. “Then get on with it.”

He stared her down, and the expression her wore startled her, something sparkled in his eyes, mischief, relief maybe? It was insulting. Like he didn’t take her seriously. But there was something else there, too, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, but it was wiped from his visage before it registered.

The tension in the room dissipated slightly when Zemo sat on the arm of the worn couch she’d bought from a yard sale, and she winced. “I spoke to Oeznik the other day,” he said flatly, snorting, eyes focused on a stain on one of the rugs she owned. “He told me he had the pleasure of speaking to a friend of mine about a month ago.”

Frowning, she tilted her head, her eyes meeting Helmut’s. Something in her brain sparked a memory she’d once dismissed as a dream after a particularly bad night of drinking.

“He was concerned, you see, because this friend didn’t seem to be in the best state of mind,” Helmut rose from the arm of the couch, stalking forward slowly, and she couldn’t move backwards, not even if she wanted to, as he could pin her easily against the front door. His voice grew louder, faster as he went on. “He said she was crying, slurring her words, he told me he thought maybe she might be-” Helmut cut himself off abruptly and closed his eyes, clenching one of his fists, a look of distress on his face as he took in a terse breath. “I won’t finish that thought, but you’re a smart girl, you can imagine what I’m getting at.”

Swallowing hard, the phone call came back to her in pieces, the tears, sobbing on the phone to a man she hardly knew. It was the night she finally admitted to herself she’d made a mistake, even though she’d already known it, deep down when she left him in the hotel room. 

“Please forgive me for breaking in tonight,” Helmut said. “But I couldn’t bear the thought of you not answering the door, I needed to see with my own eyes that you were okay.”

Exhaling through her nose, she looked at the floor. “It’s not like that. I had too much to drink.” she said, keeping her voice as steady as possible. “It was just a bad night.”

“Then tell me, what was the horrible mistake you made?” he asked, stepping closer. He was close to her, now. So close. And his proximity made everything more difficult.

God, if only she could remember exactly what she’d said, the only thing that came to her were the emotions, desperation, sadness, grief. It was all too much, and he was threatening to bring them all back to destroy her again. 

“I shouldn’t have called,” she said, shaking her head. “And I’m sorry. What do you want me to say? What do you want from me?”

“What do I want from you?” He asked, tilting his head, his eyebrows pulling together. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? How hard it was to sit on a plane when all I wanted to do was be here? With you?” His hand rose to cup her cheek, stopping just short of her face when she flinched away from his touch.

“Please stop,” she managed, the burn of tears behind her eyes almost menacing. The last thing she needed was to cry in front of him. “You’re undoing everything.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked. 

“You’re….you’re here,” she murmured weakly, wetness seeping, glossing over her pupils. “I only have so much capacity for pain right now, if you touch me now, you’ll ruin everything.”

No one ever had this kind of hold on her, she’d never bent her rules to appease anyone else, and she’d gone toe to toe with super soldiers. He was just a man, and yet, he terrified her. 

“You really want me to leave?”

She couldn’t answer, but one tear escaped, sliding down her cheekbone, and she sniffled. 

“I’m not the one who did this to you,” his thumb, swiped along her face gently, wiping it away. He’d touched her, just barely, and she was reeling. 

“I know,” she stuttered, gasping. “I know it was me, but I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“You are so stubborn.” His expression softened as he looked upon her, his thumb tracing underneath her jaw, tilting her head upwards to look at him. Malleable, she obliged. “I’ve thought about you everyday since the night we spent together. You’ve plagued me. That can’t be a coincidence. Are you really happier this way? You must be honest with me.”

She shook her head, blinking out fresh tears. “No, I’m not. I just thought...by the time I realized I made the wrong choice, you’d have moved on. People like us don’t get to be happy.”

“Says who?”

How could she refuse him anymore? This would continue to go on until she gave in. And from the beginning, she wanted to give in. There was no use in fighting the inevitable. The small point of contact -- his hand on her chin -- radiated impressive warmth, and she could feel every part of herself being attracted to him, quelling some ache deep within her. 

Reaching up, she clutched at Helmut’s palm, which didn’t last long, because he pulled her into his arms, nestling her head underneath his chin. She melted into his embrace, finding solace in the warmth of his solid frame. 

“Come home with me,” he coaxed softly. 

“I will,” she murmured, surrendering to the comfort of his presence. “But you have to let me bring Pumpkin.”

He chuckled, warm and amiable, the vibration of his chest echoing in her own. “Of course, you’ll bring Pumpkin,” he murmured into her hair. Oh, how she had missed hearing him laugh. They could’ve stayed that way for hours, and she would’ve been content, but he pulled away, hands on either side of her face as he studied her.

Unable to hold back any longer, she leaned in to kiss him. It was chaste at first, all the memories of her last night with him came flooding back quickly when he parted his lips to deepen the kiss, but she didn’t want that quite yet, just needed a moment to process this. The simple comfort of being held by him, kissed by him, was more than enough for now. He’d been waiting for this, she could assume in the way that he responded, pulling her impossibly close so she was engulfed in him.

Her stomach flipped, a warmth blossoming in her chest as he pulled away, their foreheads touching. “Oh, I missed you,” she sighed, shivering as his beard tickled her neck, his mouth on her sensitive skin.

“And I, you,” he murmured. His eyes studied her, carefully, up close, and for the first time since meeting him, she really let him see her, teary-eyed and vulnerable.

She would never let him go again. 

---

A/N: So here we are! I know it’s been a ride, but I’m really excited for these two. However, I don’t feel like I’m done writing for Zemo yet. If ya’ll have any headcanons, thoughts, questions, requests, etc, feel free to drop them in my ask box or shoot me a DM. I’d love to talk more about him. I also would be down to write more oneshots based around this series, because I am sort of like….okay, they obviously have a connection, but they don’t know that much about each other, and I may or may not have a light future already mapped out for them. I might do an epilogue at some point even. But if you have anything you’d like to add, let me know!

Taglist: @juice-1981  @sapphiredreamer26  @tatooineisdry  @marvelsvision @spookycereal-s @trelaney @fireghost-x @booksarekindaneat  @thunderingbats  @felicityofbakerstreet @takacsgram @mischiefmanaged71 @fanfictionedagain @merelyhooper @gyllord @mundaytuesday @friday18eo  @lovegood7553  @adara-wolfhart @a-djarin @farawaywasteland @sky-writes-stuff @fuckinglittlekitten @katyasrussianaccent @agent-jbarnes  @neoarchipelago @pattispunk @kpopnena @purebloodwitch @spookyconsultingcriminal @msmarvelwrites @professorrw @lazyradeecal @captainrexstan @notyourfuckingbusinesss @felicityofbakerstreet @unlikekiana @maeday-18 @friendly-letters @fandom-lover-4 @meefal @queenfairyfangirl @gogomonbebelf @scullys-alienpussy @the-multiverse-approach @sky-writes-stuff @safiakillspop @eggofhumiliation @originalcollectorsaladsstuff @archangelproperty @friday18eo @jayden-rose-leon @actuallyanita @mayhemmachine @kermuddgen @zadiewrites @pach-inks @theokatz @reichelhache @autumnsoidier @mischief-siriusly-managed @danaaeaa @joey-motorola @singlemomslayer @stevesbestgirl @dinna-fashh @popriskra @xaanyhs @adorable-punk-superheroes​

[hoboal87]

The Fear

Title: The Fear

Pairing: Dean x pregnant!Reader, minor Sam x Eileen

Characters: Dean, Sam, Reader

Summary: Dean comes home to find Y/N missing.

Word Count: 2300+

Warnings: angst with a happy ending, kidnapping, violence, fluff, pregnancy, non-graphic descriptions of childbirth, 15 x 20 adjacent.

A/N: my entry for @princessmisery666's #daily mix challenge combined with a Nonnie request.

Edit: I forgot to thank the lovely @lovealways-j​ for beta-reading this for me. Thanks, Sabrina!

My song is "The Fear" by The Score

My Full Masterlist

Something’s wrong.

Dean can sense it the moment he steps into his shared room with Y/N. He looks carefully around the room, trying to find a clue as to what’s got his hunter instincts in high gear. It looks no different then when he and Sam left three days ago, and yet, every bone in his body is telling him something is off.

“Y/N?” He calls out hesitantly as he makes his way towards her old room down the hall. She’d been in the process of turning it into a nursery for the last month and had a tendency to get lost in paint samples and baby supplies. As he closes in on the room, he can feel himself becoming more on edge and instinctively reaches for his gun. “Sweetheart? You in there?”

Dean’s heart sinks further into his stomach as he reaches the newly-converted nursery. The usually meticulously organized room was in a state of disarray as if there had been some sort of struggle. Dean calls out for Y/N again, willing her to give him some kind of sign that he was overreacting to what he was seeing.

He quickly pulls out his phone dialing Y/N’s number, he and Sam should have never gone on that hunt, Y/N was due in less than a month, but she insisted that they go.

This is Y/N, sorry I can’t come to the phone, if it’s an emergency please contact Sam or Dean…

“Fuck,” Dean mutters, waiting for her message to end. “Hey sweetheart,” he does his best to keep his voice steady. “Me and Sammy just got back and I just got a feeling…” he takes a deep breath. “Call me back. Love you.”

Dean pockets his phone, before taking in the room again, trying to convince himself that it’s his new-father instincts and not his hunter instincts that have him so on edge. That’s when he sees it: under a discarded bag, a small pool of blood. Dean’s breathing grows heavier, and he scans the room again, looking for any kind of sign of what may have happened in the room.

“Sam!” Dean yells out, his breath quickening. “Sammy!”

Sam’s behind him, skidding to a stop before taking in the sight of the room before him. Even with only a cursory glance Dean knows that Sam’s thinking the same thing as him, something’s happened to Y/N.

Dean hurries down to the infirmary, Y/N had insisted that they have everything to monitor her in the final months and in the worst-case scenario anything needed to help her deliver. The simple fetal monitor is right where they’d left it three days prior, Dean insists on listening to the heartbeat of his unborn child on an almost daily basis, letting the rapid thump thump thump put him at ease.

Dean’s phone buzzes in his back pocket, and he breathes out a sigh of relief when Y/N’s picture fills the screen. He takes a minute, calming himself, she doesn’t need to know that up until this moment he was on the verge of a panic attack.

“Sweetheart,” he smiles, “y’know you had us worried for a minute.”

There’s silence on the other end of the call, save for heavy, scratchy breathing.

“Y/N?”

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Y/N whispers, choking back a sob. “I shouldn’t’ve trusted her. Now–”

“Baby, listen to me,” Dean finds Sam in the hall and mouths trace the call, Sam nods and bolts towards the library. “Are you okay? The baby?”

“That depends on you, Dean,” an unfamiliar voice replaces Y/N’s. “Now, be a good little soldier and do as I say. Only then will your precious wife and child have a chance to make it through this unharmed.” Dean can feel his blood boiling, this is why he could never not be a hunter. He and Sam have made too many enemies over the years, and now Y/N and their baby may be paying the price.

All the fear that he felt when Y/N first told him she was pregnant comes rushing back to the surface. Dean never thought he’d get married, let alone be a father, but with Rowena keeping the demons in check, and Jack limiting the angels' interaction on Earth, with the exception of Cas, life became some version of safe for the brothers.

That’s why Y/N insisted that they take the simple salt n’ burn just one state over. She knew that they were going a little stir crazy, Bobby, Jody and Donna, had started training the next generation of hunters so that boys could retire. Dean was hesitant to leave, Y/N was only a month away from her due date, but she shooed them out the door, claiming to need her own space from her overprotective husband and brother-in-law.

“Are you listening, Dean?” The voice tuts and Dean tries to clear his head of ‘if’s’ and ‘could’ve’s’ all it’s doing is driving him crazy.

“I’m listening,” Dean repeats through gritted teeth. The voice gives coordinates to a location a few hours away and before he realizes it he’s in the Impala, ready to do whatever it takes to save his wife and baby. Sam tells Dean what he’s already sure of: this is a trap and Y/N is being used as bait. He doesn’t care, he can’t lose her, lose their baby, not when she’s done nothing more than love him.

The sun is setting when they pull up to the abandoned farmhouse, original, Dean thinks. Dean wants to go bursting in, guns ablaze, but Sam stops him, reminding him that they don’t know who or what has got Y/N, and they have to be smart. He wants nothing more than to punch his brother for suggesting that they wait even a second longer to rescue Y/N, but he lets the words sink in and reluctantly agrees.

Silver bullets, holy water, dead man’s blood, witch-killing bullets and machete’s are divided between each brother, knowing that whatever has Y/N, one of these things will most likely kill it. When they enter the farmhouse Dean’s eyes lock on Y/N, who’s against a wall, two chains around her wrists.

Dean rushes towards her, the only thing on his mind is getting her and the baby out of this place and back home. Her breathing is shallow when he reaches her, and he gently inspects her body. Gingerly, he touches her face, allowing her Y/E/C eyes to meet his and she smiles lazily at him. Knew you’d come, she whispers, and Dean leans forward to place a kiss on her forehead. His free hand lands on the swell of her belly, where he can feel a slight kick against his palm.

“I love you,” Dean says softly so that only Y/N can hear him. “I’m gonna get you outta here, sweetheart, okay?” Y/N nods slightly as Dean focuses his attention on freeing her from her bonds.

There’s a grunt behind Dean, and when he turns around, Sam’s on the ground, and there’s a somewhat familiar woman standing behind him.

“Dean Winchester,” she exclaims as two large men appear and pull him to his feet. “Been too long.”

“Jenny,” he utters, remembering one of the first cases he worked with Sam. “You look good, a little dead, but, good.”

“Always the charmer, weren’t you Dean?” She takes a step towards Y/N. “I could smell you on her the second she walked past me. Women always trust other women, made her think I was a hunter; a tragic backstory here, a name drop there, and bingo, the dumb bitch is leading me into your home.”

Dean feels his anger rising as he tugs against the two men, his eyes flicker to Sam, who slowly starts reaching for the blade next to him.

“Up,” Jenny orders and when Y/N doesn’t comply she produces a blade, and presses it against her stomach. Dean’s heart stops at the threat to Y/N and their baby. “If you want to give your baby a chance to ever see the light of day, I suggest you cooperate.”

Y/N’s legs are wobbly as she stands, tears glistening in her eyes as Jenny slowly runs the blade against her. Dean’s gaze doesn’t leave her, watching as Jenny uncuffs her, and leads her slowly over to him.

Adrenaline pumps through Dean’s veins and he frees himself from his two captors; headbutting one and throwing a punch at the other as Y/N is pushed out of the way. Sam is up on his feet and in a swift move, swings the blade through Jenny’s neck, her body falling limp to the ground. For the briefest of moments, Dean relaxes, only for a vamp to be coming at him again.

Dean can barely keep track of anything, his eyes tunneling in on the large vamp in front of him. He can hear the grunts of Sam, and the familiar sound of another vamp going down. Y/N isn’t in his line of sight, and through the blood pounding in his ears, he hears Sam call his name.

It was just the distraction that the vamp needed and he barrels towards Dean, slamming him against a wooden post. He feels something pierce his side but he keeps fighting against the vamp. As the vamp is about to take his final shot, his head is gone, and Sam is quickly resheething his blade.

Y/N cries out, cradling her stomach and even from a distance he can see the pool blood between her legs. Go, Dean orders Sam who quickly obeys.

“I think she’s in labor,” Sam mutters. “I don’t think we can get her to a hospital in time.”

Dean rushes to Y/N’s side as best he can, telling her everything will be alright. Dean returns to Baby, grabbing the first aid kit, hastily patching up the wound, and retrieving a blanket from the trunk. The pain hits him all at once, but he pushes through it, his pain doesn’t matter, all that matters is that Y/N and the baby are safe.

Y/N’s screaming out in pain, begging for someone to make it stop as Sam does his best to calm her. Dean closes the distance in only a few steps, positioning himself behind her. He takes her hands in his, whispering praises in her ear as Sam orders her to push.

Within only a few minutes, Evelyn Marie Winchester is brought into the world, wailing loudly as Sam wraps her in his flannel and hands her over to Y/N. Dean offers Sam a silent thank you as he takes in the appearance of his daughter. Evie’s the perfect combination of him and Y/N.

The moment of bliss doesn’t last long, as Sam reminds them that they still need to get Y/N and Evie to a hospital. Dean moves from his place behind Y/N and winces at the pain now radiating through his body. Sam gives him a curious look, and Dean shrugs, trying to convince his brother that he’s fine.

Dean takes Evie out of Y/N’s arms, and cradles her against him as Sam helps Y/N to her feet. Dean takes a few steps before legs start to give and his vision starts to blur. The last thing Dean hears before everything going black is Y/N and Sam calling out his name.

Five Years Later

Dean watches as Evie runs around the backyard of their new home, chasing Miracle and laughing hysterically. Y/N was right, the Bunker was no place to raise a little girl, she deserves everything that he and Sam never had, and he is determined to give it all to her. Evie will never know what it’s like to go to bed hungry or cold, or wonder when she’ll see her parents again.

The opening of the front door tears Dean’s attention away from his daughter, Sam’s voice filling the otherwise silent house. He turns to see his brother carrying a ridiculous amount of gifts followed by a very pregnant Eileen with a shaggy haired toddler attached to her hip.

“Unca De!” Little Bobby tries to squirm out of Eileen’s hold and she carefully lets him down. The toddler bolts for Dean, wrapping his arms around Dean’s leg. “S’Evie’s birfday!”

“I know, buddy!” Dean laughs at his nephew, “how ‘bout you go tell her ‘happy birthday’?” Dean opens the side door and lets Bobby out.

“You are going to spoil my daughter rotten, Sam Winchester,” Y/N appears from the back of the house. Dean’s still amazed that even after years together, Y/N can take his breath away.

“Well, if I had another niece or nephew, I could spread the love.”

“I think you’ve spread enough love, Sammy,” Dean jokes as he heads into the kitchen, Sam following behind him. “I mean, you’re basically having your kids back-to-back.”

“Three years is hardly back-to-back,” Sam reaches out to grab a beer. “You’re just mad ‘cause I one-upped you.”

“Actually,” Dean peeks into the living room. “We’ll be even. Y/N’s pregnant.”

The words have hardly left Dean’s mouth before Sam’s engulfed him in a hug. Dean’s positive that Eileen and Y/N are having a similar conversation at this very same moment, but what neither Sam or Eileen know is that they have a bet on who will crack first.

“Just found out a couple of weeks ago,” Dean continues with the ruse. “She wanted to wait until after yours was born, didn’t want to take Eileen’s thunder or something.” Sam nods, seemingly understanding.

Hours later, after the last present has been opened, and the final piece of cake has been eaten, Sam and Eileen take a very sleepy Bobby home. Evie sits at the kitchen table, listening carefully and a smile growing on her face as Dean and Y/N tell her that in six months she’ll have a little brother or sister.

“Or both,” Y/N corrects with a knowing smirk.

“Both?”

Please reblog or send me an ask with your feedback!

This one-shot was requested by a nonnie, my requests are currently open, you can send me an ask or DM me if you’d like to request something. 

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[svchengss]

king of hearts | d.sc

PAIRING. dong sicheng x reader

GENRE. high school!au, fluff, slight angst, kind of e2l

WARNINGS. none (lmk if i missed any!)

WORD COUNT. 6.7k

SUMMARY. sicheng’s subtle flirts are not working effectively but it only motivates him to try and woo you more. the devil sure works hard but dong sicheng works harder.

PLAYLIST. king of hearts

TAGLIST. @floraljae @clovdless @mashiihearts @ndr1271 @kunrengui (shoutout to mashi for being a major help in the process of writing this <3)

// just to let you guys know, reblogs and feedbacks are appreciated !! thank you for reading :D

music was blaring through the multiple loudspeakers scattered around the school grounds, booths of various interests that were set-up by the clubs being swarmed by visitors and ecstatic oohs and aahs from the ones playing games can be heard intermittently. the annual school festival of redlands high, an event that is looked forward to by every single student there. or maybe not, you’re quite unsure of the self-made data.

you immediately made a beeline to the dance club booth which is managed by yangyang, the president also holding the title of your best friend. a cartoonish grin crept up on his face when he spots you walking towards him.

“so, what do you think? looks legit, huh?” he crossed his arms together, observing the design of the booth with a proud smile. the set-up is definitely eye-catching, not much decorations going on, adding to the simplicity of the white theme with gold touch-ups. you browsed through the plastered posters on the board, inviting people to sign up for their upcoming audition. looking up to the signboard hanging outside, you showed a thumbs up towards him, muttering a quick ‘perfect’.

“so what exactly is your booth doing? there’s not much… activity going on?” you scratched the non-existent itch on your left eyebrow. the boy in front of you gave you an eye roll before explaining that there will be mini dance games - or just dance as he worded. an amused sound left your lips as you bent down, dropping your signature in the guestbook on the wooden table.

“are you coming to the stage shows tonight? i heard there’s a new band performing,” your ears perked up instinctively upon hearing the words. after your sister graduated high school, nobody paid any attention to keep the band going. the zikas, a trio that made the music club strive back then. either the newer batches were too lazy to make an effort or too scared if they weren’t up to the already high standards of the school.

“i’m going if you’re going,” you simply stated, which made yangyang flash you the same grin from before. you said your simple goodbyes when people started lining up to try the just dance game at his booth. after he reminded you to wait for him by the statue, you went off to check out the food sales, eager to fill your growling stomach since this morning.

you can do this, sicheng. you can do this.

he made sure to double check the tuning of his guitar for one last time before joining the rest of his bandmates on the stage. his tall and slim physique surely left an impact, seeing that some of the audience suddenly became more invested in the performance compared to the others. he’s wearing some band’s shirt - probably green day since it’s quite similar to your sister’s posters in her room, black leather jacket and his black hair middle parted. not to miss the silver pendant necklace on his neck, sparkling under the spotlight.

the moment he struck the pick through the strings of his electric guitar, the drummer and bassist followed after, producing a melody that is pleasing to your ears. he held the microphone closer to his mouth, singing the lyrics as you bobbed your head up and down to the covers they sang - american idiot and helena are the ones you recognized since you’ve heard the songs so often. yangyang on the other hand kept on sipping the chocolate milkshake in his hand, vibing with the music as well.

the next song was a sentimental one which you assumed is a self-composed one, since you’ve never heard this song before. before you know it, the performance is over and the audience have started packing up their belongings to hang out somewhere else or go home.

“good job everyone, we did well,” yuta, who played the bass earlier, high-fived the rest of the band with a sly grin on his face. guanheng chugged the mineral water down his throat before stashing his drumsticks into the bag while sicheng was lost in his thoughts. he doesn’t know why but you stood out from the crowd, only able to see you just now. he wouldn’t say it’s a crush, not knowing anything about you but it definitely made him feel something. a trigger in his heart, not knowing where it leads to. but what he does know is that you caught his attention.

“and you know what he said? i’ll come back crawling to him just like his other exes. what the heck is even that?” you took out the binders from your locker while listening to ningning rant about her love life. since you haven’t had any relationships before, you’re not really a professional in this aspect of life so you just kept your mouth shut to avoid giving useless advice.

“that sounds so rude, he’s such a jerk,” you commented, taking the first bite of your sandwich afterwards. the tea-spilling session eventually came to an end when she reached her class first and you kept walking to mrs. walker’s, english being your first period. nothing exciting really happened in that class except someone got their phone confiscated for texting in class - just the usual things. classes later, it’s finally recess when you met up with ningning and yangyang in the cafeteria.

“first of all, cut him off. block him. everywhere,” yangyang emphasized the last word, knowing how much of an idiot the guy can be. you just scrolled through your socials, double tapping on certain posts that caught your eye. owning a cat looks fun, you made a mental note to bring the idea to your parents later. the bell rang which signals that classes are starting back soon and the same cycle of events continues before it’s time to go home.

you observed yangyang’s sharp moves, following to the beat of the song echoing in the dance room. it’s currently half past seven and he’s still here, beads of sweat running through his hair. and why would he stay in school so late, you may ask? obviously, he’s here for a reason and it being an upcoming dance tournament is the most accurate one. while you’re here, sitting on the floor, back against the mirror and legs straightened out with your phone in your hand. it amazes you how the goofy boy transforms 360°, being all serious when he’s in his element.

“let’s go home, i’m tired already,” he panted out breathlessly, using a cloth nearby to wipe his sweaty forehead. you wait for him by the glass door as he packs up his things when the lights in the music studio also switched off. you wondered it must be the band guys so you paid no attention whatsoever. of course, your predictions were right when you saw two lads stepping out.

since yangyang is taking too much time tidying up the dance studio and the music studio seems unoccupied, you decided to check it out for a bit. it’s been a long time since you last entered the room, always accompanying your sister for her extra practice when you were younger. not much has changed, except some additions of instruments can be seen. not seeing anything in the dark condition as the room is only illuminated by the faint lights from the hallway, you pushed the switches down only to be met by a gasp.

“what are you doing here?” the tall boy approached you, a stern look visible on his fine features. your eyes scrambled around the room in an attempt to find any logical excuses for your ‘break-in’ but to no avail. your tongue was dry, not a sound escaping your throat when you heard yangyang’s voice, signalling your cue to exit the room and escape from the tension building between you and the boy. he just shook his head, the black hair bouncing left to right as he finally caught on.

it’s you, you’re the girl from the crowd. and your name is y/n.

the walk home was filled with one-sided conversations where yangyang kept on babbling about how he should improve the choreography he created earlier while you only added small comments. your mind is filled with embarrassment, too much that you feel slightly mad at yourself. why didn’t you say anything earlier? now, you look like a complete idiot with communication issues in front of that boy.

“yeah, and remember that pasta? we should definitely try it again, it’s like, so good,” yangyang said, earning a nod from you when you saw the boy from last night’s music studio tragedy approaching your table. you tried to look away but it was too late.

“dude, just wanna let you know that mr. park is seeing us after school,” your grip on your fork loosens up when you realized he wasn’t talking to you. maybe he forgot about the incident? you really hope so.

“yeah, totally. thanks sicheng,” yangyang playfully winked at the latter, earning a disgusted look from him who started walking away. he glanced back at you with a smug smile on his plump lips, making you freeze up again.

he didn’t.

“are you okay, y/n? feeling sick?” ningning furrowed her eyebrows upon seeing your sudden change of demeanor. you shrugged her off and continued to consume the macaroni placed on the tray in front of you, mentally cursing at yourself for the poor life choice you’d made. well, at least you know that his name is sicheng, right?

oh boy, you’re in for a long ride.

you can’t wait to go home and snuggle under the covers, today has been a long and tiring one for you. you had three pop quizzes as if all the three teachers intended so, your class had to run multiple laps during p.e. and so on. you’re already planning your routine in your head, trudging your way to the lockers when you saw him leaning against yours, scrolling down his phone.

“crap,” you muttered under your breath.

there it is, the smirk on his face returns when he spots your figure approaching. oh, how you wish you could wipe it off his face. he moved a couple steps backwards to give you some space to arrange your things before locking it, turning your head towards him.

“i’m sorry, why are you here again? and if it’s because of last night, then i’m sorry if it bothered you or anything,” you huffed out.

“what? i didn’t really care, it’s not like you were stealing anything, right?” he squinted his eyes, eyeing you up and down suspiciously, laughing shortly after seeing you get riled up.

“damn, you really need to learn how to take a joke. y/n, right? i’m sicheng, nice to meet you.”

“why exactly are we having this meet-and-greet or whatever this introduction is?” you crossed your arms, waiting for his response. but he didn’t, immediately turning on his heels and making his way towards the stairs, probably going to the studio.

“jerk,” you cursed under your breath, walking out the school building.

“what? you got accepted? seriously?” ningning’s voice echoed against the cafeteria walls, earning surprised and annoyed glances from other students who were either satisfying their grumbling stomach or simply having conversations. yangyang softly nudged her elbows using his, asking her to lower her voice down before telling you to go on. you were quite surprised as well, the acceptance email was not what you expected to receive. when you filled in the application form, it was just a mere shoot-your-shot agenda to see if you’d make the cut. although this is just a camp, you’re still unsure of what lies ahead.

“yeah, it starts next week. but i’m so nervous though,” you sipped the iced coffee in your hands. you’ve only watched videos of people producing their own music from scratch which you start to take an interest in. however, you’ve never done it hands-on before, only having basic music theory knowledge thanks to the piano lessons your parents signed you up for when you were young.

“you’ll do awesome, i promise,” yangyang gave you a reassuring smile, making you release some tension from the overthinking you’ve had since you received the email last night.

“thanks yang.”

now, here you are on the first day of attending the internship camp. you stood in front of the tall mirror hanging on the wall, straightening your cardigan and applying some makeup onto your face as touch-ups. it’s currently 7:40 in the morning, the earliest time you’ve ever woken up on a saturday. your siblings are still swallowed in their states of sleep. you double-checked the contents in your tote bag, making sure that no important things are left behind. you totally don’t intend on leaving a bad first impression on your first day.

after bidding a swift goodbye to your parents who just woke up, you drove your mother’s old honda to the completely new destination - mbyte studios. the tall building with light grey and blue painted walls definitely made it stand out, a futuristic look catching the eyes of the passersby. taking a deep breath, you entered the main lobby before being escorted to a room on the second floor. you assume it’s a waiting room for all participants of the camp, scanning that majority of the occupiers might be college students. you thanked god that the camp takes place on weekends so your high school senior life won’t be interrupted that much.

DAY 1

your eyes widened when you spot sicheng with the same white and blue tag you’re wearing, seated on the sofa. what the hell is he doing here? you avoided acknowledging his presence, trying to make yourself as unnoticed as possible heading over to occupy the seat farthest from his. after quite some time staring at the paintings hanging on the wall, a middle-aged lady with a petite figure entered the room, making you sit up straight.

“welcome to mbyte studios! i’m the assistant director, mrs. hwang. first and foremost, congratulations on being accepted. it’ a pleasure to witness the start of your musical journey embarking here. i believe that we should know each other first?” she gestured for any volunteers. sicheng stood up from his seat, charisma evident in his stance which left quite an impression on the others. the strong confidence in the way he speaks made the woman smile amusingly.

some names later, it was your turn to introduce yourself. the moment you stood up, he immediately recognized you and you were sure you caught him making some faces. the ice-breaking session went well thankfully, mrs. hwang elaborating on the social rules and the itinerary throughout the whole six days. one that caught your attention was assisting the producers on making a track from scratch, just like you had dreamed of.

when it was finally time for lunch break, you shot up from your seat to get away from sicheng as fast as possible but to your dismay, he beat you to it, jogging up towards your standing position.

“i didn’t know you were into music, what’s the sudden occasion?”

“it’s none of your business actually,” you sneered back, obviously not favouring his attention.

“woah, relax. you’ve got quite a temper, don’t you? by the way, we’re having lunch together,” he placed his phone onto a nearby table, pulling a chair for you.

“just eat on your own, i don’t have the appetite,” you flash a sarcastic grin before disappearing into the women’s restroom. he just laughed bitterly at your response before walking towards the food counter, joining his newly made friend, jaehyun. being the same age, they’re easy to click.

DAY 2

“today, we’ll be focusing on the recording process. you’ll be assigned into groups that will have a tour of the whole department. our staff will facilitate each group,” the manager said loud and clear. you remembered his name was johnny. the tattoo on his shoulder really stands out, considering the fact that he’s always wearing a sleeveless shirt.

but what are the odds when your groupmate is none other than the guy himself, sicheng. it’s like the universe truly resented you for having to be associated with him at any event. your group was escorted to the farthest recording studio on the floor. to say that this was a great experience is truly an understatement, making you observe the gears used in astonishment. you hate to admit it but sicheng has a handful of knowledge on this particular topic, always correctly answering the questions directed by the staff. maybe it wasn’t quite surprising upon knowing that his career choice is a singer, not that you care anyways.

again, nothing out of the ordinary happened today, except that you and sicheng had lunch on the same table. of course, it’s not that you accepted his offer but he welcomed himself to the spot. being the quickly favoured participant among the rest, obviously they welcomed him with open hands. he placed himself among the two guys sitting at the right corner, eyeing you whose eyes are still not leaving the article you were skimming through. with the last spoon of food shoved into your mouth, you quietly excused yourself from the group. sicheng just watched your movements in subtle signs of annoyance.

with the final task of doing microphone check-ups, day two of the camp ended with a breeze. you can’t wait to go home, get into a warm bath and spend the night watching netflix. it was a tiring one indeed but you’re not one to complain. pushing the car keys into the ignition slot, the sound of the engine starting is still nowhere to be heard even after a couple of retries. you rested your forehead onto the steering wheel, cursing silently in your head, having to get a taxi and call your mother about this incident. you’re sure to be receiving a handful from her, not to mention her soft but stingful remarks.

“hey, are you okay?” a deep voice interrupts your stressful state of mind. looking up, it’s sicheng with a concerned look on display. you hesitantly shared your problem, making him press his lips together probably thinking of a solution.

“you know, i don’t really know how to fix your broken engine or whatever but i know someone who can. let me just ring him for a sec. and you’re coming home with me.”

and that’s how you ended up in the front passenger seat, sicheng steering with one hand and the other rested on the windowsill. the faint music from the radio can be heard, probably a song by jon vinyl. you’d steal quick glances to see his other hand dancing in the air, enjoying the rhythm of the song playing. besides that, it was silent as both of you are preoccupied with your own things - sicheng on the road while you on your phone. he tried to make small talk but you would say it’s unrequited, only replying with short sentences. after a good ten minutes drive, the sight of your brown painted gate becomes a sign for him to stop the moving car.

“your car is safe with my friend so you shouldn’t worry about it or anything. also, what’s your number? it’ll be easier for, you know the car business of course,” he reached over to unbuckle your seatbelt, handing over his phone to you after. the close proximity made your breath hitch, the dewy scent of his perfume diffusing into your nose. not too strong, he has a good taste.

“thanks and um, i’ll buy you a drink later. just for today.”

“are you asking me on a date?” there it is, the significant tug on the side of his lips making its presence once again.

“stop being so narcissistic and move along please,” you rolled your eyes before giving him a small wave, stepping into your property. sicheng stared at the numerals on his phone screen, a small, proud grin etched on before driving off the lane.

“how was the camp? met any cute boys?” the first thing you hear in the hue of the blue monday morning is ningning’s chirpy voice. sometimes you wonder how she gets all boosted up at this hour of the day. yangyang is the polar opposite, his appearance as if he just got out of bed, the hood of his denim jacket resting on top of his auburn hair.

“it was good and no, no cute boys. but sicheng was there,” you replied nonchalantly, a mischievous grin crept onto her lips. you can almost predict the words that are going to spill out of her mouth.

“what’s up with her?” yangyang yawned, his eyes lazily gaze at you. you just lifted your shoulders, having no idea whatsoever. a ping sound was heard from your phone, notifying that a new message is received.

unknown: hey sicheng here

unknown: ur car may be ready tmr. want me to drive u there?

listening to your heart, you were about to type ‘no’ but remembering the fact that your parents will be busy the whole day tomorrow and yangyang is coming home late once again, you have no choice but to accept the lad’s help.

now you’re back in his vehicle, the same spot as before. you’ve only noticed now that a musical note charm is hung on the rearview mirror, a semiquaver to be exact. you’d say that it looks authentic, gold specks shining when sun rays hit the surface. observing the interior of his car, there are quite a number of small decorations.

“can we get coffee first? my treat for the car and the ride,” you suggested, looking at him whose eyes are focused onto the road. the traffic is quite pleasing today, nobody honking mindlessly at the other drivers and flipping each other off with the famous middle finger gesture. his side profile does look charming, some type of earrings dangling from his ears. if you’re going to be honest, his appearance does seem to be your type. you’re not one to say about his persona though, always managing to bother you at any time of the day.

“sure, wanna go to the new cafe? i heard it’s good,”. you just nodded while he skillfully steered the steering wheel, moving the car to the new destination. you turned your eyes to look outside from the car window, seeing the one hundred and one manners of the citizens. a mother struggling to take her child who’s having a tantrum out of the toy shop, a young couple having their romantic meal in the french cafe. the motion of the car stopping awakened you who was being distracted by your clouded mind.

from the moment you stepped into the place, the interior caught your attention. the light brown painted walls with black furniture complementing each other perfectly, making a retro-like appearance. the funky song playing faintly in the background surely is a mood-setter, just how you like it. even the barista serving you is being friendly, making a couple of small talk in the midst of operating the machines.

you would say that it was a pleasureful day for you. the exquisite taste of latte washing down your dry throat, getting your car back without too much babbling from your dear mother and the gap between you and sicheng closing in for a little.

the last sentence baffled you for a second.

DAY 3

sicheng’s eyes shot open from the short slumber he was trying to get - failing miserably even, upon spotting you enter through the door. he pulled the chair beside him in hopes for you to get his message and take the seat. a frown made its way onto his face when you just waved at him, making your way to another spot a few chairs to the front. he scoffed, head tilting slightly before approaching you instead. you shot him a puzzled look, roughly translating to ask him what he’s doing here.

“i just want to be close to you. now focus,” he redirected his eyes onto the muscular man who just entered the room. he’s a songwriter - the best one in this company to be exact. you were focused on each point he explained, making small notes on your laptop. it’s not always that you’ll get a chance to be guided by a four-time award winning songwriter, might as well gain some benefits from it.

“another tip i have is to use all types of chords. remember, do not stick to the same ones, you’ll lack creativity. for instance, use major, minor, dominant, diminished, and augmented. i promise you, more ideas will be flowing and better quality songs will be produced. you got me?” the questioned, earning buzzing sounds of positive responses from the hall.

DAY 4

another day of group work, you’re given the task to create a melody according to the themes given - for your group, it’s love. looking at sicheng, he’s already on his electric guitar, strumming mindlessly to find the perfect note to start on. the rest of you are now juicing out some thoughts on this particular sense of human nature.

“love gives us thrill, the feeling of excitement, the feeling when you’re uncertain about something but when you have that special someone with you, you’re sure to wing it all,” jaehyun suggests, earning nods of approval from the rest of your groupmates.

“you’re a pro at this, mr. romantic,” you teased him, earning a soft chuckle. a dimpled smile is etched onto his features, rosy cheeks and his eye smile making you fawn. prince-like visual and a sense of humour? a two in one package, totally.

“not really. i guess i’m a sucker for romance movies,” he rubbed the back of his neck. your small conversation came to a halt when you heard a crooked, loud sound coming from the rough strum on the guitar strings. you turned around to see sicheng gazing directly towards the both of you, a sharp one even. jaehyun just blinked his eyes before catching onto the situation unfolding in front of him while you’re still being completely oblivious. you tilted your head in confusion, unsure of what’s gotten into him.

it’s the day that yangyang has been looking forward to since the past few weeks, his dance tournament. you’re seated with ningning on the bleachers, music from the loudspeakers echoing through the walls. with the cheers of the bewatchers whenever someone captivated them with a trick or dance move, usually the risky ones, it truly is a loud atmosphere.

“now, welcoming contestant number 43 to take the stage,” the host announced, you and ningning clapped with all your might, shouting words of encouragement as well. yangyang took a deep breath before lifting his right hand up, cueing for the music to start playing. just then, there’s the sound of someone plopping down on the hard surface next to you - sicheng. he’s looking casual today, a light yellow hoodie replacing his usual dark clothings.

“what are you doing here?” you shout whispered while ningning raised her eyebrows at you.

“didn’t yangyang tell you? i’m here to watch him dance,” he countered your question before darting his eyes back to the boy who’s busy popping on the dance floor, tinashe’s song playing in the background. he ended his routine with a moonwalk, making his way to the end of the stage. you’re confident that he’s going to win the competition, looking at how precise and clean his moves were. all the late night practices he had eventually paid off when he’s announced as the second placer. nonetheless, he’s still proud of himself, not to mention you and ningning who have been with him throughout his whole journey.

“you did well,” sicheng welcomed him with a fist bump which he reciprocated back. you didn’t know that they were this good of friends.

“i’m starving,” he rubbed his hand onto his stomach, making you remember that your stomach has been rumbling since you only ate a cereal bar that morning. you were about to catch up to yangyang and ningning who were walking fast ahead when you felt a tug on your shirt, looking down to see sicheng crouching down to tie your loose shoelaces.

“you might fall,” he placed his hands into the pockets of his hoodies, waiting for you to come along.

“um, thanks,” you muttered out before catching the glances given by your friends, later teasing you about the scene.

roars of students can be heard coherently, filling the basketball court. the basketball captain, a tall one with black charcoal hair is shooting a three-pointer. the players are then called over to their respective sides for whatever strategy their coaches will be implementing in the third-quarter. the home team is currently leading by five points, knowing that the players wearing the significant red and black jersey have been training their asses off for a while now.

but why exactly did you come to the game tonight? besides from the main event happening in the moment, the other reason is now standing in his position, strumming his electric guitar producing a funky sound that vibrates through the walls - a cue for the start of another buzzing stage. sicheng has been bugging you about watching him perform tonight and after quite some time evaluating, why not? when he finally caught you among the crowd, he flashed you a flirtatious wink. right before the band bowed as gratitude to the audience, he gave you a gesture to wait for him at the back of the gym.

“you came! but seriously, thank you,” he rested the sparkly white guitar against the wall, enveloping you into a hug. this is new, you tried to hide the flustered state of yours as you reciprocated his movement. from the corner of your eyes, you can see a black-haired guy approaching the two of you, followed by one with long, white hair and a bandana nicely keeping the fluffy strands in tact.

“ooh, who’s this?” the first one wiggled his eyebrows, later introducing himself as guanheng, the latter named yuta. to your surprise, the bond between you and them are quick to form with guanheng piloting the conversation. not to mention his subtle jokes making you giggle at times.

“well y/n, your little boyfriend here is getting jealous so we’ll excuse ourselves for now. see you whenever,” guanheng banging his drumsticks into the air while yuta gave you a quick wave before disappearing into the store room of the gymnasium. the nickname they gave sicheng surely made you a bit shy.

boyfriend?

DAY 5

you’re seated in front of the computer screen, your chin resting on the palm of your hands and the tabs of different colours left untouched. you redirected your gaze onto the projector screen, the words ‘arrange, mix, edit and master like a pro’ on it. a long sigh leaving your lips, you try to remember what the producer said earlier.

don’t make the song sound too repetitive

a good buildup promises a good melody

you can have a certain instrument playing only on one part for cinematic impact

DAY 6

“i’m hyo and you’re,” she moved the wheels of her chair to the back a bit to take another look at the clipboard resting on the desk, “sicheng, y/n and jaehyun, right?” the three of you nodded in harmony, anticipating for the next order that will be given.

“okay cool, we’ll be brainstorming first,” and she proceeded to explain what the requirements for this project are. you mouthed out the important points she gave, soft rock, heartbreak and drums. you’re on a roll today, contributing your countless ideas during the first few minutes of the discussion. sicheng just looked at you discussing with hyo, your lips pursed slightly. his gaze seems full of adoration, even jaehyun said so.

“any objections?” hyo looked over to the rest.

“i think she made some great ones. i’m sure this project will come out fresh,” jaehyun voiced out his opinions, sicheng nodding after. he went straight to handling the instruments , you and jaehyun collaborating for the mixing process. hyo eventually chimed in on some times, giving small advice whenever you seem stuck in the brain. with the hours ticking by, you’re feeling more satisfied than ever with your earphones in, listening to the final product created.

all of the participants are then assembled in the hall again, waiting for a final speech by the director which formalizes the end of the camp. sure, you’ve earned worthy knowledge throughout the six days. but if you’re being brutally true to the sound of your heart, it would be how you came to learn sicheng’s true antics. he might be the cocky guy who thinks they have the power to do anything but in truth, he’s just some guy with an honest heart, honest intentions to know you better.

summer break, your most anticipated event for the past few weeks. the moment the last bell rang, that scene in high school musical 2 kept replaying in the back of your head, the students doing a parade in front of the lockers picturing how your little heart is doing backflips in your chest right now. all the beach trips ningning planned is making you feel dizzy. you turned around to a voice calling out your name from the end of the hallway, your eyes catching the sight of sicheng jogging towards your spot. he stopped in front of you, hands on his knees catching his breath.

“are you free tomorrow night? there’s a party at guanheng’s and you know, it would be really cool if you join,” his fingers tracing onto each other, waiting patiently for your response.

you didn’t even have the time to process his invitation when ningning crashed her body against yours, yangyang following suit.

“a party? y/n would totally love to come, right?” ningning nudged your arms softly while yangyang tried to stifle a giggle. you were about to mouth out a ‘what?’ before sicheng cut you off.

“cool, you guys should come too. tomorrow at 10,” he and yangyang exchanged finger guns gestures before leaving the three of you. you just stood there in disbelief, eyeing them up and down before ningning dragged you to the parking lot. a stringful of grumbles escaped your lips, making the guy laugh obnoxiously.

“i can’t believe you guys did that,” you extended the seat belt, buckling it to the slot beside you.

“please. but you do want it, right?” you can’t deny, what she said was true. plus, you should have some fun and distress before having to go back to the usual dull routine of yours.

“how do i look?” you turn around, revealing the baby pink crop top and flare pants on your legs. it’s not your best outfit but giving the cliche excuse - you have nothing to wear, the two articles totally complements each other

“you look hot, that’s all i gotta say. right, yang?” ningning lifted her head from the headboard, glancing over at yangyang who’s going over his messages.

“yeah totally,” he lifted his hands, giving you a thumbs up. you threw a jacket onto your shoulders and grabbed the black purse on your dresser, glancing at the wall mirror one last time.

from the moment you stepped into the venue - guanheng’s place, smells of alcohol lingered around your nose, a group of people cheering ever so loudly over a game of beer pong, some already passed out on the couch. not to mention a brownish stain on the carpet - probably from someone throwing up. the mess would take a whole day to get rid off, you note to yourself. your friends are no longer to be found, both of them getting affiliated with god knows what. your eyes scanned the living room for sicheng but his presence is still nowhere to be found.

you decided to step towards the kitchen bar, pouring a drink for yourself. the mixed sweet and sour taste of it remained on your tongue for a couple of seconds. looking over at the snacks served, you grabbed a strawberry flavoured lollipop from the clear bowl. the crowd is cheering loudly for some type of incident happening at the back of the room, the music has been turned up to be a little louder than the volume before and you’re suddenly getting a little bit overwhelmed. you grabbed your purse and stepped out, inhaling some fresh air and looking up to the starry night sky.

“y/n? where have you been?” sicheng approached you from behind, making you a bit startled.

“sorry, hanging out outside can calm me. where did you go?” you popped the lollipop into your mouth.

“some jerk decided to throw up in front of me,” you pinched your nose with a disgusted expression, making him roll his eyes.

“do you want me to accompany you out here?” he offered. you just nod your head, placing yourself on the patio with him following suit. the sweetening flavour empowering your senses. it’s definitely much more calm out here, allowing you to clear up your mind. it’s not that you hate the atmosphere in the house right now, you’re just not in the mood.

“you know, you look pretty,” you turned around to meet his face. his brown eyes brimming with unconfessed love.

“shut up, stop with the jokes,” you lightly land a smack on his arms.

“what if i say i’m not joking?” he looked straight into your eyes, trying to find any emotion inside you. the sudden seriousness is making you feel much more awkward so you forced out a laugh, turning your attention right back upwards. the stars are shining brightly tonight, you can almost spot a constellation.

“i know what you’re doing, dong sicheng. just stop it already, it’s not working on me.” denial, that’s what you’re experiencing in the hot minute.

a gentle tug can be felt on your wrist, his eyes still not leaving yours.

“didn’t anyone tell you before? you’re really pretty. like, i can’t even describe it to you. you’re just,” he leaned over to caress your cheeks, “pretty,”.

what jaehyun said on the other day is true, after all.

love gives us thrill, the feeling of excitement, the feeling when you’re uncertain about something but when you have that special someone with you, you’re sure to wing it all.

your heart is beating so fast, it could fall out of your chest at any moment now. even the faint music blasting through the speakers inside the house can’t flush down the sound of your heartbeat. you’re not used to this, the sudden need of the significant skin to skin contact that symbolizes love between two individuals.

“can i?” his face in a very near proximity from yours, whispering into your right ear with his honey-like voice. you pulled the candy away from your mouth and nod, giving him the approval he needed before he dived in. heat rose from your stomach to your chest. you could only focus on how soft his crimson lips felt on yours, invading your privacy by all senses. you felt the kiss expand beyond your bodies, whirling you round, swirling you into the stars. he pulled away with a soft smile, you thought you could melt right then and there.

“wow,” that was the only word escaping your throat. your jumping heart still hasn’t settled down yet, your very first kiss still feeling surreal. you could see that sicheng is very much mirroring your emotions, his slender fingers grazing over his lips - the one that has come in contact with yours.

“the strawberry lollipop is sweet,” he commented, making the both of you laugh.

a ping from your phone awakened you from the gushy eye contact with him, unlocking it only to find yangyang’s text message. the second part of it made you fluster.

yang: yo r u coming in or what? and congrats for the kiss, we thought we’d have to wait longer for this