#but it is always more impactful for me when it's got a queer context to it

[dogin8]

show me a queer hug and i will go crazy every time.

I don't care where the queerness is coming from, or whether the hug is romantic platonic familial whatever

show me a parent hugging their queer kid whether reasurring them they are accepted or just to hug them - Goes Crazy

show me an aro person hugging somebody they love - Goes Crazy

show me a hug in a straight relationship where one of the people is even Slightly considering they might be bi - Goes Crazy

Hugs about acceptance, hugs about reassurance, hugs about solidarity, hugs about understanding, hugs about believing, hugs about defiance, hugs about love, hugs about caring, hugs about affection, hugs about warmth, and last but definitely not least, hugs about nothing, hugs that are just hugs

hugs are incredible. hugs with even a hint of queer context? You guessed it - GOES CRAZY

[doberbutts]

I think the terms TMA/TME work best when they're used as rules of thumb, rather than expected to function as strict categories. They're often helpful, but occasionally they can become obfuscatory, and there are edge cases where they can't be neatly applied. In those cases, they should be set aside, but with an understanding that they will be brought back into conversations when helpful.

To give a personal perspective - I'm a trans masc individual who has, upon occasion, experienced misdirected transmisogyny. I was on T for 5 years, then came off it (partly due to health problems, partly due to starting to identify as nonbinary rather than as a man) and began presenting in a more feminine manner, and people would regularly mistake me for a trans woman.

When people thought I was a trans woman, I did notice an increase in hostility, harassment and unwelcome advances from strangers. Groups of men would shout at me in the street, mothers would glare at me and physically pull their children further away from me if I came near. I also started getting catcalled and couldn't enjoy a night out in a club without being groped. I'd experienced some of these things as a trans man and as a girl, but probably never at such a high frequency or so intensely.

I definitely think I got a taste of transmisogyny and people do still assume I'm trans fem from time to time. But I still wouldn't describe myself as TMA. I don't shout it from the rooftops, but if it feels relevant in the context of a conversation, I will say I'm TME. Because I think the terms are about overarching dynamics, rather than whether or not an individual has ever faced a single instance of transmisogyny.

For me, there was always a sense of distance between myself and any negative experience, that came from knowing they'd misread my AGAB - "that lad just called me a chick with a dick! How funny! I'd be so lucky!" / "You're harassing me for using the female showers at the gym when I am literally menstruating. Are you going to stop being a creep, or do I have to show you my bloody tampon?" There's a degree to which I can sidestep or disavow their idea of me in a manner trans women can't.

I also don't know what it's like to deal with many other elements of transmisogyny, or deal with it as an overarching narrative in one's life rather than a freak episode.

I think it's fair to say I have at times been a grey area and I could use my experiences to argue against the validity of TME/TMA, but I don't want to do that. I don't like it when the terms are just used as a way to say AFAB/AMAB while being perceived as less problematic. But I think it is helpful to have little shorthand reminders about specific power dynamics that do have an impact in our communities. I have absolutely seen transmisogyny play out in queer spaces, both online and IRL, and I think it's worth having vocabulary that emphatically reminds people to check themselves and to not assume they don't have internalised bias against trans women just because they're trans masc.

Trans women are a boogeyman in popular culture and the collective unconscious in a way trans men never have been (at least, not to anything like the same extent). Trans women face an intensity of monstering that I think most people won't understand unless they spend a lot of time sharing space with and listening to trans women. The rapid adoption of TMA/TME feels like an attempt to fast-track that understanding en masse. Maybe it's a bit clumsy, but I do think it's having an impact and important conversations are happening. I don't know if the terms will stick or fall out of use. Having been in the trans community for over a decade and seeing how our vocabularies evolve, I'm inclined to think they'll stick around for a few years and then largely disappear. But I feel that while trans women are finding them useful, we need to be respectful of that fact.

Idk sorry to rant in your askbox, I wanted to give my two cents. Feel free to ignore lol

I'm going to be a bit blunt here: in the span of time I've been off tumblr to, you know, sleep... I've gotten 20 different asks trying to convince me to like the usage of tma/tme and also several transphobic asks about my top surgery. The transphobic ones I blocked and deleted because I'm literally 3 weeks out and will not be dissuaded. But I'm simply not willing to continue arguing a point I've made very clear that I don't love the usage of this particular theory the way it's currently being used.

You can like it for yourself. I have said this over and over again. I do not like it for me, and do not think it is accurate for my life or my experiences or the reality that is what I have to go through on a regular basis. True to everything else that I've posted, I don't really care what you call yourself. If you want to call yourself TME and you believe that framework works for your experience, more power to you. Just don't label me that, because I don't think it works for mine.

Trans women are absolutely a boogeyman in a way that trans men often aren't. That is, unfortunately, one of the ways that hypervisibility is such a curse. Everyone knows what a trans woman is, and a good majority of those people also think the only good one's a dead one. That's bad. That's transmisogyny, and we should ally with trans women to help fix this problem.

Also unfortunately, as trans men become more and more visible to the world, instead of facing mass erasure and dying in silence or escaping to live in stealth, trans men are also beginning to become a boogeyman as well. Now we are a social contagion, a craze, with rapid onset gender dysphoria, mutilating ourselves and ruining our precious bodies, carving out our wombs, simultaneously debasing ourselves and also becoming predators lurking to snatch daughters up and forcefeed them our ideology, betraying women by becoming a mockery of men. What's worse, we tend to politically close ranks with trans women and cis women alike so it's harder for transphobic lawmakers to divide and conquer as they're used to with cis men, so instead they have to demonize us to prevent any further allyship.

That's the conversation trans mascs are trying to have.

Genuinely, I do agree that trans women face an othering that most people do not grasp without understanding transmisogyny theory, which is why I think everyone should have at least a basic understanding of it. But I also think that's true of many other demographics, and that if we want to get out of the pit that bigoted society put us in, we've got to work together to do so. It was, after all, the combined efforts of Marsha P Johnson AND Storme de Laverie that brought us out in the open. And among me friend group, we have people from all different races and backgrounds and genders and more locking arms to ensure the safety of each other, wanting to understand and know each other, lifting each other up.

[our-alterous-experience]

so i just recently discovered alterous attraction and it felt right to me. i have so far identified as panromantic demisexual, and i was just curious how you thought that fit in with my current orientation.

i know its totally individualized, i am just curious to hear someone else's thoughts on the matter, since i cant talk to the people in my life abt it right now.

Well!!!! Depends on how you feel. As you said, it’s individualized so I can throw out some interpretations !!

So I came out as pansexual as a child and always thought I was ace. I flirted with calling it panromantic but never committed. Because I’m aromantic, bc i’m aplatonic, I find it fitting to call myself panalterous. Bc while I am still aspec what’s more important than my romance or sex take or whatever is how i feel alterously. That being said, you don’t need a direct “name” to fit in conjunction with all the other labels and identity. While some people are Romantics and others feel they are that way about Platonic ideals; the same applies to being alterous. I think sunfriend is my favorite alterous term I ever heard but that’s more hyper specific terminology than helpful thing.

For me, I’m also trans, i’m also queer, i’m also aspec, im also arospec.

I don’t think it’s productive all the time to go hello im Vexerin from genderfluid butch transmasc transsexual neopronouner pansexual aplatonic aspec aceflux aromantic alterous land.

Because honestly! It’s much easier to say Hello, I’m Vexerin, I’m panalterous, I’m 20, I’m aromantic and aplatonic. (Within, the context of someone asking me what the fuck i am for the first time at least)

Which is not to say I dislike any of the identities I identify with, it has given me so much freedom to accept these many facets and factors of my life. But for strangers and people who don’t really Know everything about you or even your sexualities, I would recommend just verbalizing “the hits”. The pieces that impact you the most/ are most relevant. For me that’s a lot of my A-spec identities. For me it’s important that I tell a new online friend I’m aplatonic. Is it important for you to tell someone you’re alterous? Are you itching to tell someone?

When I first started introducing myself as alterous in new spaces there was eventually questions and sit downs and I explained my experience and point of view. With new people I was explaining myself for the first time. It was remarkable I got to set expectations in my own way in my own relationships. So the default wasn’t automatically the society standard. I mean it was but it was changed, and that changed me. I will have this conversation over and over again. Like the classic saying, you never stop coming out.

So my perspective is, what do you want to introduce yourself with? Do you want to mention you’re alterous? I think it’s okay to, I think it’s also okay not to. Or it could be something you don’t mention when first talking about your sexuality but you make sure to mention it the second time. or maybe you only mention it when it becomes relevant, you feel alterous or you remember an alterous moment and you bring it up.

There are many different ways to try to go about this. Which one is the best for you? Or rather, which would you want to try out first?

[prettycottonmouthlamia]

When I was in college, I wasn't the quote unquote perfect activist. I am definitely not immune to making mistakes, especially in the heat of emotional moments. But...let's talk about my experiences for a moment.

-During my first semester of college I joined my university's local PRIDE club. I suggest that we do some sort of clothing drive, and have a place where anyone can give or take clothing. The intent of this was obvious and person: I came from family who either did not really understand my transness or actively disapproved of it and didn't have an income. I could not be the only one. We should be helpful in this way, to our trans brothers and sisters.

Sometime later, someone suggests changing the clothing drive into a clothing sale to fund their Drag Ball. PRIDE under that semester's leadership never does a clothing drive. My vision would not be completed until a couple of semesters later, working with my university's LGBT Center, and working loosely with PRIDE's new management.

-The one thing I failed to notice coming into PRIDE was that I couldn't find other trans women. That didn't bother me, and I was fairly popular early on. This was until someone else came out as a transgender woman. Initially I was happy to have another trans woman as a friend, but I very quickly began to notice the social effect. They were shorter, smaller, and more femme. Their social transition progressed much faster than mine, because they weren't poor. They regularly got many clothes from their friends in PRIDE, even as discussions occurred about a clothing drive. I got nothing. I was being outfemmed.

-I noticed the uplifting of drag performers and drag stars by many of my cis and nonbinary peers in the group. I often asked myself why this happened. For some of these people, drag was almost a lifestyle. The performance of hyper-femininity by someone who was AMAB in the context of a drag show was met with cheers, applause, fandom. Meanwhile, my displays of my own femininity were met with nothing. Those same people never complimented me.

-The president of PRIDE gave a presentation on the history of drag. They mentioned Ru Paul, but handwaved away their trans-misogynistic comments, saying they were unimportant.

-A considerable amount of time later, our LGBT Center did a wide survey of queer people on campus. Some responses by cis lesbians bemoaned a lack of lesbian support groups, and more importantly, that they didn't feel like they ever saw anyone that looked like them at the center. I object to this finding, because I myself am a lesbian, I am what they are looking for and am always at the center. I bring up the possibility that the comment may be transphobic. I am shot down. I was denying other people's feelings. I was a trans woman, not a lesbian.

-A dear friend of mine suggests doing a PRIDE event about learning how to do make-up. This is something I was in great support of, because I did not like the extent trans women were expected in a very short span of time to grasp all the complexities of the role of woman in today's society, when cis women get so much longer. What will not be included is tutorials of using make-up to cover facial hair follicles. They did not want to focus on tutorials about passing. I protest, in part because the darkness of my follicles is something I'm very self-conscious of, and that passing in itself is something that a lot of trans woman want. The make-up event never happens.

-A trans woman is talking about her transition experience. She is notably well off and has gotten a variety of surgeries. She explains this is ultimately the path that all trans women need to take, unless they end up looking like "fishy boys". This notably impacts my friend in a severe way.

-A series of hate crimes strikes campus rapidly. Someone spray-paints the "N" word on one of the school buildings, while conversion therapy pamphlets are deliberately left in classrooms teaching about LGBT subjects. Campus police do not care to investigate. PRIDE and BSU being to work collaboratively on a protest. The atmosphere is very good, there are a variety of different but very good conversations, and both groups work well on various tasks that were planned. The protest does not focus on what happened to LGBT students. Members of the LGBT Center and of PRIDE did not speak. We, who had been working hand and hand, were reduced to a footnote and a one-liner in a chant.

-While asking for more information about the investigation into both of these incidents, myself, the Title 9 administrator, and one of my coworkers, a black queer woman, are invited to a meeting with the VP of Student Affairs and the detective on the case. None of us were made aware of the presence of the chief of police nor of a third officer whose purpose was unknown. These investigations would never result in anything.

-In the issue of the school newspaper that reported on the hate crimes, included as well along side of it was a story about how conservatives felt like they were being silenced on campus.

-When I first went to college, I went to Housing to discuss the possibility of gender neutral housing, which they have on their website. I am told there is none, but they can make an accommodation by giving myself my own dorm room on the men's floor. I had been unable to transition before this point because of living with religious conservative family members. I am told that if I want to have a room on the women's floor, where I would have a more private showering area that was not a public shower with other men, that I would need the gender on my birth certificate changed.

Both of these were lies.

-I have a discussion with my mother about her continuing to deadname me, noting that I did not want to end up confusing my niece once she became old enough to remember my name. This does not change.

This is just, the experiences that I can recall while writing this post. It is not an exhaustive list. Discussing school administrations chronic underfunding of the LGBT Center and the resulting drama that caused over years would be an entirely new post. There's possibly even more stuff that I've simply just fucking forgotten over the years. It wasn't all bad. I met some truly incredible people and did some truly incredible things.

But there was bad. Some of it was general, but a lot of it was trans misogynistic, even if I don't think it was always intentional. A lot of these experiences changed me into the jaded bitch I am today on a lot of issues.

[whats-amata-you]

Man it’s weird being trans. Like yeah I did always know, I did my googling waaaaaaay back in middle school and found the gender vs sex rabbit hole when I was like 11 on ye olde 2004 Wikipedia, I prayed for years for god to let me be some kind of intersex that just looks female so I wouldn’t get boobs or periods, I asked my Texan dad to call me “sir” instead of “ma’am” when I was maybe 7 and he did for a week before he realized I wasn’t going to get sick of it.

But I didn’t always KNOW. I grew up under this weird kind of rock made of autism and whiteness and being middle-class and non-denominational Christian, so I was brought up believing everyone was basically the same, and then there were The Weird Ones, but The Weird Ones were usually fine as long as they weren’t being “in your face” about things. I knew that there were men and there were women and there were intersex people, I knew what was expected of men and what was expected of women. But I didn’t know how the cishets ACTUALLY saw the queers. I didn’t know the consequences of being born in a female body but insisting on being a boy. I didn’t know what my transness would actually cost if I pushed too hard for it.

And no,I didn’t try, because I didn’t know it was an option, obviously. But I’d never seen trans people anywhere before, never heard of them outside that Wikipedia article, never saw them referenced in media (we only got PBS until I was 16 and by then I was disinterested in almost anything outside my hyperfixations). I heard about gay people, and how it was wrong to sleep with someone of the same sex, but it was the lukewarm distaste of casual homophobia that just “doesn’t want to see it.” The biggest cost I actually saw to queer people was just… people not wanting to see them kiss their partner. As an aroace kid, I didn’t understand why that would be a big deal for either side.

I’d only heard of HIV and AIDS in dry, clinical explanations in sex ed. “It’s a sexually transmitted virus so use a condom every time, it also spreads via needles so don’t do drugs. The virus works like this and destroys your immune system so even a cold can kill you. You cannot get it by breathing their air or touching them or using a toilet seat or whatever, it has to be bodily fluids and usually not saliva. It’s incurable and fatal.” In retrospect, I learned WAY more about HIV/AIDS than a lot of kids did back in the late 90s and early 2000s, so that’s a mark in favor of Washington state (or maybe just that particular school district). But I never, not even once, heard queer people of any type and AIDS mentioned in the same sentence. I never heard of “the AIDS crisis” or its impact on the queer community until after I graduated high school and met a queer or two on the internet.

My old mentor Orion would probably have been shocked and appalled. She must have lived through and seen so much that I never knew about up until the last couple years, actively chasing down this elusive thing called “queer history” that I’d never known existed until I created a tumblr account in 2017.

I’m an aroace gay gnc trans masc enby. I could fill an entire book just explaining all the different aspects to my own queerness that I’ve found over the years. Most of it is just stuff I found words for, not things I didn’t already know about myself. And I never, until 2017, had any clue what any of it actually means in the context of society, culture, or politics.

I dunno what to do with that. I’m gonna chew on it for a while longer.

[nieves-de-sugui]

My personal experience with BL history for @waitmyturtles​

After reading through the posts of your Old GMMTv Challenge, I decided to add my own perspective, as a watcher, of how BL has evolved as a genre as time went by. I hope this “history from the perspective of the viewer” might shed some light in some of the questions you might have or bring up interesting things for your viewing and understanding of the shows. I will try to not repeat what has already been said through your posts by all the wonderful people in this fandom and keep it as concise as possible (turns out it’s still super long).

I’m gonna use ABL’s chronology of the shows as a timeline guide for easy understanding:

Context: How I made my way to Thailand

I’ve always been into BL (yaoi, gay shows, whatever you wanna call it), but I became commited to it around 2008. The options for queer content back then were very limited, as I’m sure we all remember. But for the sake of adding context this were my go to:

Youtube playlists of cuts of “the gay storyline” from western shows (Brothers and Sisters, Hit The Floor, Shameless, Skins and soap operas (Salatut Elamat, Days of Our Lives), etc), 

Queer as Folk, 

bad japanese live action adaptations of yaoi mangas (Takumi kun) or just sad/melancholic movies about lost men, 

sad chinese movies (usually with fucked up plots), 

indie queer movies (Were The World Mine, Judas Kiss, Shelter, Yes or No, Love of Siam etc). 

But I was starving for more. I wanted shows. 

In the search for more content, through Love of Siam enters My Bromance (very sad ending, also pseudo incest?, still part of what I thought were just indie movies with yaoi influences) and then appears Lovesick (S1 and S2), with very questionable subs, but finally a show with a gay couple as protagonists. 

Lovesick was for me the first show that finally put a queer story as a main thing to focus on, finally breaking free of the eternal side story filled with drama and hurt that was never comforted. After that only Make it Right was around. It was more of the same thing but this time the cast was a lot more reduced and everyone is gay. Also, it showed some of the sexual aspects of the genre (which now feels wrong for so many reasons, but alas). 

One day, SOTUS is on youtube with subs, plus it’s the official channels (yay! finally we can be legal!). 

First shock, there’s an actual plot centered around these two people, who are their own characters besides being gay, and they actually kiss (I remember it was so impactful to me (in a never seen before way) that I did fanart of it). Thai shows became my guilty pleasure, they were bad but they were telling the stories I wanted to see and no one else was doing it. Only Thai shows cared to show cute love stories that ended well, without the big drama we were used to in the west. My thoughts were “It’s bad but I’ll take it, I’m staying here”

Living through the different booms

When Together With Me came out it brought proper making out session and high heat to the genre. Sround here is when I started watching everything that I could find because I had finally found my jam. So I watched all that now I could not watch again (because, man! they’re bad) like 2moons, Puppy Honey S2, What The Duck, My Dream,... And then, with Love By Chance we got the first signs of consent and communication with AePete. It finally felt like we could get stories with healthy relationships. 

Also, Our Skyy came in! Great moment! Treats for everyone! And honestly, it was such a fun project to watch. Iconic side-couples from straight shows getting their moment of spotlight on the same level as the main couples from BL shows. To me, Our Skyy comfirmed the importance of the main 3 (OG, TN, KS) and cemented the path GMM was taking with their BL shows. It started to be part of the norm and not just some shows here and there. It was no longer waiting for someone to make a BL once in a while, but an assurance a small but constant flow of BLs. 

Also Taiwan started the HIStory franchise.

BIG BOOM#1 - TharnType! Also, Ossan’s Love. 

TharnType comes in. The 1st episode ends and everybody hates it for the lack of consent, but everybody loves it for the high heat and the chemistry (also for those of us who had liked Mew in WTD it was nice to see him in this show, that seemed to have less drama around it). Plus, the hype of knowing more about Tharn from LBC, who was such a nice older gay character when he was palyed by Earth (Pirapat).

I think to me, TT was a mix of a lot of the usual flaws with the very new (only achieved before by MaxTul) high heat chemistry  (which despite the controversy is an important part of the BL genre, you can’t take the sex out of BL) and an interesting idea for a plot. 

Also I watched Great Men Academy for Captain (Noh in Lovesick), and he slays. Plus the BL in the show is good (even tho technically not bl, but queer enough)

Simultaneously Japan gets Ossan’s Love, it’s first mainstream BL boom, with very well known actors and gets talked about by the regular drama watchers. Everyone was watching Ossan’s Love in Japan, it brought the genre to the mainstream for the first time. (And prepared the grounds for Cherry Magic, imo)

Other shows that left an impact at the time were He’s Coming To Me and Dark Blue Kiss. HCTM was the great Ohm comeback (who I though we would never see again), paired with Singto doing a BL again. Besides the chemistry, the change in themes was very interesting, it was the first thai bl that showed thai culture for me. For its part, DBK had an interesting opening and Aof personal queer touch to the storyline (which made it wonderful) Especially for MorkSun. It was the first taste of what we know Aof for, but it was also the first time BL had such mature and nuanced themes to it.

little BOOM#1 - Until We Meet Again and Theory of Love

UWMA and TOL, to me were surprises. I thought that like KirstSingto and TayNew, OffGun would never do another BL with new characters. That BL was still just an undervaluated stepping stone that people didn’t treat as a proper genre (as everybody had been doing up to that point, do it once and never be seen near the genre again). 

However, UWMA confirmed that BL was here to stay. It was growing, it was exploring mixing with other genres and famous thai actors were in it. It was also moving away from the usual university storyline. And TOL was the comback of the year. I remember everyone losing their shit (me included), it was the lengendary OG afterall. Up until then they had done cameos and Puppy Honey season 1 and 2 but that was it. TOL also did something interesting with its theme, and the romcom references. AND! it was the first proper kiss in a gmmtv BL. From dead fish PickRome to full on make out with KhaiThird.

BIG BOOM#2 - 2gether and Why R U?

The BL expansion thanks to the pandemic was very very noticeable. Everybody was seeing 2gether and WRU. First time anything BL trended on Tumblr. Everyone was descovering thailand. 

Also 2gether was again a first, it felt like the story made more sense. It was more believable, with tolerable tropes and a cute main pair (this was the first thai show I dared to recommend to someone who was not into BL), plus the music. The ending of the show ruined it for me, however Still2gether Fixed everything that was wrong from the 1st season and showed quickly how the show could’ve been. WRU’s plot was directly affected by the pandemic and bettered what TharnType had started with the high heat chemistry. The whole success of the show is due to SaintZee having amazing chemistry and going with it. 

My engineer was the surprise of the year, it had nothing going for it promising but it managed to be good (I think thanks to some parts of the story and the cast mainly). 

little BOOMS#2 - Cherry Magic and ITSAY and others

The riples of the pandemic 2gether boom were felt in Japan. Nothing breaks throught the japanese content barrier. Japan only consumes MADE IN JAPAN, and yet 2gether made it there. And showed the Japanese show runners that there’s an interest there. Cherry Magic aired a few months after and it was big success, like OL had been. Korea starts with Where Your Eyes Linger here too.

The thing about I Told Sunset About You was that nobody knew what we were getting. I had heard about My ambulance, I even saw some of the clips, but it seemed to be side couple queerbaiting and honestly I wasn’t expecting much. But they had promised a BilkinPP series. I think it’s no wonder it blew our minds, nobody was expecting that! 

Then the big comeback of MaxTul with Manner of Death, broke our minds just as OF had with TOL and bringing again the mature themes to the genre (they are called the daddies of BL for a reason). No one thought they’d come back.

Around here I started watching the GMMtv end of the year announcements. All the build up we had had from the growing of the BL genre and p’Aof culminated on the annoucement of A Tale of Thousand Stars. Because of how it breaks the rules of thai bl (no engineers, no university, no highschool, no city, no 2000′s yaoi tropes just regular shoujo tropes) and tells a compeling story that tasted so new the hype didn’t die even when it came one year later than it should have. 

And Lovely Writer, was the first to present the criticizing of the industry as well as expanding on the mature themes outside of university and the lack of need for fanservice off screen between the actors. They acted like normal people :D

Light on Me appared around here too, and showed us that korea can do better than it had. And Taiwan gave us We Best Love.

BIG BOOM#3 -  Bad Buddy and Kinnporsche

BB was the biggest annoucement GMMtv has ever made. The thing about it was the combo AofOhmNanon. Always grazing BL and forever ghost shipped with Chimon, Nanon decided to do his first (and probably only) BL with none other than Ohm (with who he had great chemistry since they became friends in Blacklist) and under the guidance of Aof. Here I want to add that Aof considers BB to be his first Y series, the ones before were dramas, so I assume by that that the thai public makes a difference between the more mature tone series and the more highschool/university BLs (??). Such a year that was! Accompanied by the epicness that was the annoucement of Not Me (confirmed to be the last OG show... but then they went and annouced another). 

And last but not least, Kinnporsche breaks the internet, everyone knows about thailand now. It entered the realm of darker themes and violence. Accompanied by other shows exploring other themes like: You’re My Sky (sports), Something In My Room (ghosts), etc...

Which is the flow we have now, some of the known old stuff some of the new expanding stuff, waiting for the next boom. My, what a journey!

I hope this was an interesting read and that I managed to show how these shows were perceived when they came out, even though now they might not be as groundbreaking. If anybody else wants to add how they perceived these shows when they came out, feel free to add to this!

[alexiososp]

Pride by and with yeolimerent

I am Alexio Sospranio and you’re listening to the kaisoo fic podcast!

For new listeners, the kaisoo fic podcast is a space where we discuss literature found in the kaisoosphere. Where we have authors on the show to give them a platform to talk about their writings and journey as an author in the fandom. 

This month we are looking at one fic for two episodes. First part was on the 12th, and today the second episode for the same fic is on the 14th. Special kaisoo dates!

If you, dear listener, have been up to date with the podcast episodes, you will find that there will be similar questions to other author’s sessions. Each author brings in their own different perspectives and experiences. By asking similar questions, we get to see how diverse yet united kaisoo fic writers are.

The sequence in which we will be having this episode is as such:

Firstly we have yeolimerent introducing the fic of the day, followed by some plot based questions, next some questions on their journey as a writer. Then we end with the 3is: lesson learnt; source of inspiration and impact to the kaisoo fic community.

I also got about four questions from an anon on curious cat, so I will be weaving the questions into the appropriate segments of the episode.  

Cover Art

Now, prior to me giving the author of the day these questions, I asked yeolimerent what is their favorite scene from Pride. And when they responded, luckily Lyn was still doing commissions… so i asked her. One more, just one more!

Thank you Lyn for opening up commissions and being accommodating to my requests!

In the podcast cover art… we have kaisoo on a beach. This scene is not a reimagined scene, it is from one of the last few moments of Pride where kaisoo reconcile.

Context from the fic for this particular position kaisoo is in takes almost directly from the fic itself.

Intro to author 

With permission of the author, I have reader Jie with me today, who will be taking the persona of yeolimerent. 

Introducing a bit on yeolimerent:

yeolimerent has been in this fandom since (2013), that's about (11 years). The pull factor that got her into this fandom was always Chanyeol and EXO showtime in general, when she was in high school and everyone was getting into EXO. Journey with kaisoo started ever since she could remember and had always been inspired by their chemistry. yeolimerent is currently focused on EXO right now. She’s also into a lot of queer artists and media. 

Welcome, yeolimerent, thank you for your time in answering the questions for today’s session. 

Thanks for having me!

Yeolimeret. yes? Shall we dive into the episode! We shall! We start with the fic.

Pride

Pride by yeolimerent has 33 chapters with about 300 thousand words. Set in a universe where Kyungsoo is a chaebol and gets entangled with his driver. Lust, bitterness and heartache develops over the course of several chapters. Content warnings include smut (bottomsoo), I think one scene of dubious consent, and minor character deaths. 

Now, yeolimerent, would you maybe like to start us off for those who are not familiar, what is Pride about?

The initial plan was always to make a Seven Deadly Sins series starring major EXO ships and KaiSoo would be Pride. I just had this big interest in rich-poor au when it came to kaisoo and this felt like the perfect opportunity to do it. Another factor was the idea of a younger Jongin falling for an older Kyungsoo and looking up to him in a way. 

Pride is heavily Kyungsoo’s side of the story and how his world turned upside down in a span of a decade— from being one of the richest people in the country to owing millions of debts and then his poor first love who broke his heart turning into one of the most powerful men in the country who now has the upper hand on him. Here, we see him build and ruin relationships with other people in his life. We see how drastically things can change in a span of eight years, and how a lot of them also stay the same.

It’s basically his very complex journey of self-discovery and well… pride. 

Pride literally starts with a bang. And I love it. The first chapter titled Prologue, readers are met with a very high tension chapter where Kyungsoo is angry and Jongin exudes danger. It is a very gripping scene. I am curious as to why you began the fic with a scene from the climax of the plot? 

To be honest, this was the very FIRST scene that i came up with for Pride. It was my starting point. So what happened here would be the basis for the majority of what I wrote so it was very vital to the story. I guess I wanted the readers to read it first and think “Oh, what could’ve happened between them?” and “where do we go from here?” so it is the perfect prologue for the story.

The prologue scene is indeed very… you can get overwhelmed. And you did warn the readers to say that this is an intense and complicated fic, but I am super thankful that I continued to read and that i​​ stuck through the whole thing. 

Walk us through the chronology of you piecing up the plot. How did the pieces come to play after setting the prologue? Was it a bit overarching idea first or specific scenes coming in slowly piecing it all up?

For the chapter, I wasn’t much of a planner when I was writing Pride compared to how I am now as a writer. So every chapter came to me randomly, no outline and all. I just had this vague idea of what I would want to happen in that chapter and how I wanted to wrap it up, and then things just unfold from there depending on my inspiration. That’s probably a factor why the fic was so long because I couldn’t control it haha!

Wow, chapter coming up randomly with no outline… 

Wait, what about that tiny detail in the chapters before the 8 years apart happened, before the presentation? The tiniest bit of information, the carelessness of Kyungsoo leaving his blueprint in the room without much thought… was that also not fully planned? Because only at almost the very end was it revealed that his carelessness plus Soojung’s sly personality cost him a lot of things. That tiny detail became one of the most important points of the story that pushed Kyungsoo to be off the grid. 

As a reader, we also did not give it much thought because that moment was also brief. I guess my question now becomes… how intentional was your choice to have Kyungsoo not give too much thought to his work?

Yes. I wanted to convey that everyone had some sort of fault for what happened. Kyungsoo as a kid was meant to be careless and impulsive, and thats what got him in trouble. I intentionally made him spoiled and imposing to raise a bit of intrigue because he was, after all, still a chaebol kid. I wanted people to see how he treated people like Soojung unprovoked and think “did he deserve it?”

A question from my curious cat reads: if Jongin and Kyungsoo had met on Kyungsoo birthday in the bar, what would have happened? I was like omg Jongin turn and face Kyungsoo!!! Jongin turn around damn itttt :(

Ohh. I dont think that would be that productive as well because Kyungsoo would do what he did best, which was of course— to run. LMAO.

Surprising moments

Previous episode I asked the readers about the element in the plot that surprised them.

There were generally two main points on how Pride really grabs the reader's attention. First shocking point for Pride was how readers were shocked at your choice yeolimerent, the writer's choice. Of having Seonho be Kyungsoo’s buddy as they travel to New York and become the best of friends.

One of my most favorite things about Pride was Kyungsoo and Seonho’s very unconventional relationship. It was always the part that caught people off guard hahaha. I like the fact that when you read the first few chapters, Seonho would be the last person in the universe you’d expect to be Kyungsoo’s rock during the hardest days of his life but it happened anyway. It was also vital to his relationship with Jongin because a lot of jealousy stemmed from his past relationship with Seonho and it was very fun to watch unfold because Jongin was busting a vein while everything between them was platonic.

Seonho and Kyungsoo’s relationship is definitely unconventional. Related is another question from my curious cat for your fic. The question is: did Seonho really get his closure with Kyungsoo? Even though they both moved on with their lives, whenever I read Seonho and Kyungsoo’s part in New York I always had this weird anxiety about what if they cross the line of friendship. But they never did. They kept it cute, I loved it and Seonho's character development was crazy! I wish I had a Seonho in my life too… So again the question is, did Seonho really get his closure with Kyungsoo?

I didnt really want to be so explicit about it. To me, they didnt have to sit down and have a lengthy talk about their relationship before running away together. I think that scene in the bar where their simple conversation about running away from their families became their closure in some sort because it was definite that no romance was left. Simple a trauma bond and the desperation to live their similarly miserable lives at home.

It also put emphasis on the concept of forgiveness because while Kyungsoo hated Seonho’s guts during college, it showed that he was SOOO heartbroken from Jongin to find solace on his ex and their shared trauma with their dads. It was enough to rebuild their relationship into a different, but stronger one.

Thank you for touching on the point of forgiveness. We see a lot of that here in the many relationships we explore in the fic. I think almost every pair baeksoo, chanbaek, kaibaek, has an element of forgiveness because of how much the characters have each hurt each other. 

A pairing brought up in the previous episode was Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. Right before Kyungsoo leaves, you can tell that Baekhyun felt a void in his heart after their conversation. Then a while after Kyungsoo goes back to Korea, we witness that scene where Kyungsoo talks to Baekhyun and when, i quote: his words tugged in his most fragile spot, chapter 26 titled Make It Up To You, is a sincere Kyungsoo who wants to help Baekhyun. This scene was a nice change of pacing and it feels very honest as well. 

Yes. I think one of the lines I liked there was “we could stop being friends and I'd still know you more than anyone.” because that's the gist of their relationship. Baekhyun, when he was unapologetically weird and had no other friends in college, was still the realest version of himself and only Kyungsoo really accepted that before Chanyeol came.

Another point of surprise made was how intense Jongin’s love was for Kyungsoo. Seeing as we are reading the fic in Kyungsoo’s POV, it was quite an eye opener to have read Jongin’s. As readers we do get a hint of Jongin having feelings for Kyungsoo. And upon the Jongin’s POV chapters, our impressions are validated, but to such a shocking extent. The previous episode as mentioned by one of the readers was that: they were convinced that Jongin had feelings for Kyungsoo the first time they met, but felt skeptical with their hunch since it always seemed like Jongin was siding with Soojung and setting Kyungsoo aside. But as the Jongin’s POV chapters were revealed, I think collectively, for readers, it becomes very clear that it is without a doubt Jongin loves Kyungsoo. 

You do a wonderful job and I really appreciate you giving us Jongin’s POV. Reading the fic again from Jongin’s POV, it becomes very thought provoking because there is a wider perspective which makes the story more complex. 

The part of the plot that changes to Jongin’s POV is after Kyungsoo is honest to Seonho that he loves Jongin. And with that, i pause for a question to yeolimerent: at what point of writing from Kyungsoo’s POV did you feel like you needed to share Jongin’s?

The part where he stopped tugging the other side of the rope and felt this intense fear of losing Kyungsoo completely when he saw him with Seonho at the parking lot. At present time, of course readers could tell Jongin wanted Kyungsoo back but him as a person didnt really know that or knew where to start. That scene with Seonho was some sort of his wake up call and from then on, he stopped letting his fears hold him back and was definite about winning the love of his life back so it was the perfect opportunity to reveal his side.

Writers Journey

The next segment is on the writer's journey, your journey of writing Pride amongst other things.

The nature of Pride is that it is very long and dramatic and with that it has a very high intense emotional plot. As a reader, it feels overwhelming at times and i think a point that was brought up in the previous episode was how even upon rereading it the second time, the emotional rollercoaster was as intense as the first reading. And for some, already knowing the twist and surprising parts of the fic, it allows us to analyze every interaction they have before leading to that point. So that is us as readers. But how did you keep your emotions in check while writing?

It is crazy because a lot of people had complained about it being heavy throughout the years and I totally get it, but writing it was so therapeutic to me. I guess projecting a lot on Kyungsoo’s character played a lot of factor in that. He did a lot of stupid things in that fic but a lot of them were something I’d do or a choice I’d make so it felt nice to let it out.

Oh, wow. I see, so what kind of work is Pride to you?

Therapy! That was the time of my life where I had a lot going on and was in the middle of my med school applications so writing was a solace to me.

I did not know what to expect of your answer to my question, but I am definitely quite in awe. 

It sounds like the whole process was very cathartic especially when you say you project on Kyungsoo and it feels nice to let it out. I am in awe mainly because I see it is something to channel your creative energy and in turn, because it is something so unique, very yeolimerent style, readers can really immerse themselves in your words and see the plot developing through your eyes.

With that i am curious, how long have you been writing? Is the reference on ao3 correct to say that you have been writing since 2019 or did you start way earlier on another site?

I have been writing the first Deadly Sins fics in wattpad since 2017 and only moved to AO3 in 2018 for my first BAE fic. I wrote Pride in AO3 but it was also posted in both wattpad and AFF. I’ve also been writing creatively since high school, which was over 10 years ago.

How seasoned a writer were you in writing when you came up with this? What point of your writer's journey was Pride published?

I definitely had a much better experience writing it compared to the first two because I got better at expressing the character’s emotions. I would say I still got a bit better in fics I wrote after Pride but that was one of my works where I was able to express the characters’ emotions the way I wanted to deliver them.

Somehow that is comforting to know. This really long work has not only had therapeutic aspects for you, but you were able to articulate yourself. And it's a win for everyone. We get a wonderful story filled with deep human flaws, heartache of first loves, redemption arc and a hope for love to persist. And hopefully you also get to benefit from it by navigating through life with more grit and faith with whatever life hits you with.

Lesson Learnt

Lesson learnt. The points we made the previous episode was that this fic teaches us so many things - importance of honest communication to resolve issues and insecurities. Teaching us about how moving on and forgiveness is important. 

There is so much to unpack, so if there was one or more points you would like readers to take away from this story, what would it be?

Like you said, definitely communication and how important it is in a relationship. A lot of the problems in Pride came from their lack of talking which could be solved if the two of them were locked in a room together. Yes, the long tension was sexy but a lot of time could have been saved if they were well-functioning adults lol. I think forgiveness was also a big concept in this fic, not for the sake of those who wronged you but more on your peace of mind.

So now knowing the lessons you want readers to takeaway and us understanding the kind of work Pride was to you, what was the most challenging part of writing this particular au? 

I did say it was therapeutic but writing it also had me confronting a lot of emotions buried deep when I was writing it. So many aspects in Kyungsoo’s character’s life were heavily based on mine so it definitely was difficult to acknowledge it. I was also in a phase where I aimed to please people so I was rarely satisfied with the chapters I wrote no matter how good the feedback I’d receive.

I see. I suppose it is natural for when things are therapeutic, it forces you to be honest. As a reader, we can see your sincerity. Thank you for writing. 

Examples 

Of course we cannot talk about hardship and forget about good things. So yeolimerent, what is your favorite scene? A scene that so beautifully captures the essence of the fic, a scene that you think about when you think back into this fic? 

The ending on a beach was very heavy, both in good and bad ways. Years of unsaid words had to come out and it was messy, so I definitely remember it first. The scene where they were both sitting on the sand, both tired and hopeless, reimagining what could have been if things were different and accepting there was no way of changing things, so they either leave for good or move forward together. 

Probably just me, but I also love the double chapter with Jongin’s POV on everything because it sheds light on a lot of questions.

I recently reread the scene again and it is easy to feel emotional at that moment. 

I have another question from my curious cat that reads: In the FAQ, you mentioned the emotional scene but I wanna know what was your favorite scene like you read the scene and went " damn girl you kinda ate". Would it be the same beach scene or do you have another in mind?

Jongin’s POV was definitely one of my favorite because I had to navigate a completely different character and speak from his view. I also liked the scenes where Kyungsoo was trying to find himself in New Zealand because the parallelisms with his life and something as simple as volcanos was appealing to me.

Yeolimernet, listeners would be so honored to have you read an extract from the scene in the beautiful New Zealand beach, your favorite scene.

The designer looks at the distance where the sun has slowly risen. He bites his lip hard to prevent both a smile and his sobs.

“How could you confess and build all our dreams… in a car, parked on the side of the street?” his laugh mixes perfectly with a hiccup. Soo lets his head fall on his chest when Jongin reaches for his nape.

Inspiration

Thank you for reading your favorite scene. Having you read an extract aloud like this, it just makes me wonder, what inspired you to have this au? 

When I started writing it, I just wanted to see where it would take me. The moment their conflict started as college students, I found myself, even as the writer, asking for more too. I just always had this thrill in me whenever I got to start a new chapter or publish them. I looked forward to seeing what people thought. I guess that was my biggest drive to go on. EXO as a group was also very active when I was writing this story so there were still a lot of ship crumbs that helped me.

I find your trust in the process very fascinating. It becomes a journey of self discovery both for Kyungsoo and yourself.  

And from this inspiration of yours, was this the original idea you had in mind when you first drafted the fic? How much has the story grown or changed while writing?

Nothing particularly different from the final product. It definitely was supposed to be shorter than 300k like the 2 sinners trilogy before it, but I really had fun writing it and felt like the scenes I came up with, no matter how tedious and uneventful they seemed, were vital for the story and the characters’ arcs.

It certainly seems that way, very purposeful and intentional scenes. 

Impact

We are nearing the end of the episode, this next and last segment is on the author’s impact on the kaisoo fic community.

But before that, the last question from my CC reads: my pride yaps are never ending pls don't mind me but anyway thank you so much for writing the fic really..even though its angst its one of my go to comfort fics. I need to get this off my chest, I felt like Wrath and Pride happened simultaneously in two parallel worlds..there is a thin line as there were lots of similarities but two fics were completely different. The emotions you conveyed, idk how to put it hope you get what I am trynna say..so how did you do srsly?

Ohh yes, they were completely different worlds. Thanks for being kind! I think my sinners trilogy are similar in a way because the sins are somehow still intertwined in other stories. You can still apply wrath on Pride, and you can very much see pride on Wrath’s characters. Idk if that makes sense but i think that’s what made them feel similar. 

I hope that answers your question, anon!

Yeolimerent, what kind of writer do you consider yourself as? For example, what is the one thing you hold dear to when writing? Or what is something you would never write?

Hmm I definitely am the type to write details as vivid and palpable as possible. I’m very visual as a person so I like writing the scene where I can be as clear as I possibly can for the imagery. I also try to write realistic lines or something I wouldn’t cringe at if I hear real Kaisoo say it in real life (key word: try hahaha). I like writing characters that are deeply flawed, and then I like having them reflect on said flaws.

In terms of tropes, I’m very welcoming to a lot of them as a reader. But as a writer, being realistic like I said, I’m not particularly into farfetched or over the top tropes like Mpreg or A/B/O. But depending on the world-building, I have fun reading them and am not closing any doors about writing them in the future.

And upon identifying the things you would like to continue to do, and the things you will never do as a writer, what’s the biggest thing you learnt while writing fics? Anything surprising or impactful or moving? Be it about the storytelling, the language used or the life lessons?

Heck, number 1: it is a thousand times harder to write fics when English is not your first language! TT I’ve had a lot of writing experience outside of the ficdom but it is still a struggle to express certain thoughts in another language. 

Plot-wise, I realized I also like it when my characters admit that they did certain things because they just fucked up and not everything has to have deep reasons. It’s a trend I’ve seen in my recent works and it’s always refreshing to write about people who screw up once in a while.

Thank you for writing despite it being difficult.

With all the things you have learnt yeolimerent, and with your experience, all 7 years of it, what do you think makes a great story?

Write what you want to read! I’ve scrapped a lot of stories because I found that I tried writing them to please a certain crowd but it didn’t really feel right on my part. Writing what you would like to read gives you more ideas and creative juices you didn’t know were there. Allow your characters to have flaws and give them space to grow too. I have a huge preference for slowburn stories, both as a reader and writer, because seeing the characters go through a satisfying arc is what makes a great story for me. 

Ending Ment

Before we end things, dear yeolimerent, do you have any other comments you want to share with us listeners? Any teasers for ongoing AUs or a hint of upcoming AUs you have in your work in progress stage? 

Nothing in progress for me sadly as I am busy with hospital work :( I might have some things in the drafts but I don’t know if they’d ever see the light of day lol. I am definitely reading comments and messages once in a while though, whether I reply or not, and it really gives me strength. I would definitely like to write more kaisoo fics in the future especially once they start interacting again, canon!

I’m happy to have the opportunity to talk about Pride like this after so many years so thank you for doing this and for appreciating the fic! I’m very grateful.

Thank you yeolimerent for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us in spirit of the episode and my dear Jie voicing over as yeolimerent, thank you for doing this with me on a weekday.

Dear listener, the link to the author’s ao3 and twitter profile will be given below in the notes section. And with that we have come to the end of today’s episode. 

Do keep a lookout for next month's episode because we will be going through Chasing Summer Skies by rainepaige08. 

New episodes either every 13th of the month or 12th and 14th, special kaisoo dates, of course.

To reach me, i am kaisooficdrunk on twitter and if you want you can drop me questions on my curious cat you can do so with the same username. There will also be another link that brings you to my tumblr blog with the transcription for today's episode. There you can also find the other scripts for other episodes as well.

Thank you for listening, have a good day, dear kaisooist, and we look forward to next month’s episode. Stay tuned.

[bluedalahorse]

those things you’re a little afraid to say (YRS3 intimacy edition)

I’m reading this thread here (which I’m pretty sure I missed the first time around due to my hiatus surrounding S3) and it articulates some of what I struggled with re: the intimacy coordination in season 3.

Here’s something I’ve always been afraid to say in fandom spaces: I have a bit of a complicated relationship with the intimacy scenes in YR more generally. I love the ones in season 1 and 2 (both wilmon and sargust) when we see them in the context of the episodes. I think they truly did something unique in terms of how they communicated character and relationships and themes. I also think the writers did a great job of acknowledging the reality that some teenagers can be interested in sex and have ~these feelings~ and that first love can be really significant in a person’s life, without doing the kinds of weird voyeuristic stuff that other teen dramas have sometimes leaned into.

Now comes a part where I am only going to speak for myself. I’m not going to say that anyone has to share my opinion. I have historically felt a kind of way that tumblr as a medium allows for the manufacturing and proliferation of gifsets of a fandom’s favorite scenes in the show, often in a way that takes these scenes out of their context. Sometimes this is fun! But sometimes it has other impacts on how we view the art.

Now, intimacy scenes are often among the things that get gif’d. I found—reminder that I am only speaking for myself here—that seeing the s1 and s2 YR intimacy scenes, again and again, divorced from their context and cropped and curated to look a certain idealized way… well, that just didn’t feel the same as seeing the scenes in context, and I started to burn out on the gifsets pretty quickly and feel uncomfortable. And then came the period when I was seeing them alongside even more kissing gifs from RWRB and Good Omens and Heartstopper and Our Flag Means Death and maybe something involving Andrew Scott or some other actor but I can’t remember what? There was quite a lot and it all started to blur together.

I understand, for a lot of people this felt empowering, and/or hot, and/or fun. And I do recognize the importance of the milestone here—you just didn’t see queer intimacy this visible in the 90s and 00s! And it’s really important to see that! Do you know how much I didn’t have scenes like this as a teenager? And I think for many, posting gifs again and again is a way of celebrating.

I can also acknowledge that for me, personally—again just solely speaking for myself!—the decontextualization and the endless repetition of these intimacy scenes felt more like… almost more like a commodification of queer intimacy than a celebration of it. And it felt increasingly sour for me to see this on my dash 24/7. To be clear: I am not saying I am objectively correct and everyone else is wrong. I am talking about my own feelings.

For that reason I eventually figured the best way to deal with this feeling of sourness/frustration was to block and filter certain tags to keep my dash relatively clear of this kind of curated endless repetition. That way other people could continue to celebrate the gifsets that mattered to them and I could engage through text and other ways of engaging. It also helped me appreciate the YRS1 and S2 intimacy scenes more when I got to see them in canon again—for me that context is so important! Maybe that’s a personality thing, or maybe that’s an ace thing. I don’t know.

Continuing to speak only for myself: I don’t really have an academic way of saying this (honestly @heliza24 has smarter ideas about how the intimacy in S3 was directed, which maybe she’ll share someday, but I am not as smart as her about this stuff) except that when S3 had the “hallway scene” and subsequent stuff happened, it really just felt like the creators were winking at us like “this one’s for the gif makers!” It felt like it was there to be aestheticized and decontextualized and endlessly repeated. Which is fine for like, other shows, but for YR it felt particularly strange and off. I just did not vibe with it.

But other people did! And that’s great! Like I’m glad other people got what they wanted, and at the same time I think a lot of the bonding in YR fandom comes from holding these moments of intimacy in a sort of religious awe. So it’s something that binds a lot of people in the fandom together but it also sometimes leaves out the people who’ve got their own reasons to feel their own way about these scenes.

I have one other thought about season 3 and intimacy, which is that I feel like the girls got done dirty a bit? One of YR’s strengths in my opinion was that in S1 and S2 it acknowledged how teen girls can be just as horny as teen boys, and didn’t hold back from exploring that horniness and yearning. Moreover, when this was explored with say, Sara—Sara’s also got AuDHD, so it’s actually pretty damn important that they didn’t desexualize her like they often do with disabled characters.

But in season 3, they withhold the fact that she’s still feeling stuff about August until the end of episode 5, framing it as a sort of shock twist that she kisses him when he’s at his low point. And I don’t think the writers should have withheld her lingering feelings about him from the audience. I feel like we could have gotten some earlier indication that she’s still yearning and horny and feeling conflicted about it. Because by the end of the final episode, when she makes her decision, we know she says she still has feelings for him but she’s choosing her friends and herself. And it’s important to me that that’s a weighty decision for her, and not something that’s easy for her to do because like, idk, sargust is obviously the devil’s pairing or whatever. I guess Sara’s feelings being hidden away for most of the season makes her more likable to more of the audience, but I hate that we live in this world that holds female characters to these kinds of standards.

We see Sara as an object of desire through August’s eyes but we don’t see her looking back at him, whereas in season 2 we got an equal sense of their yearning for one another. And I know that’s about the falling apart of their relationship, but there also could have been a way to show the disconnect between them, that didn’t involve sweeping Sara’s feelings under the rug until the last hour of the show.

And maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me as much if Felice got to have a new crush in s3. (Rosh and/or Ayub were right THERE; she could have talked to one of them at the camping trip and texted with them in a flirty way.) Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me if Stedrika hadn’t happened mostly offscreen. And maybe we would have needed eight episodes to incorporate that, but—speaking solely for myself!—I feel really not amazing about the way that the girls’ collective horny-yearny feelings were downplayed in the third season compared to the first and second.

Replies and discussion welcome. I’d especially be interested in hearing from other people who struggled with the intimacy in S3—and if you don’t feel comfortable sharing in the replies, you can DM me instead. I was originally going to make this rebloggable, but then I decided against it because well. People.

Anyway, I hope you have a good Saturday! I am going to get ready to do my exercise for the day.

[blutpop]

Umm ah uhh I dunno really how to ask but I want to know anyways-

Austria- 2,4,7

Prussia- 2,3,9

Creator- 1 and 3

Again I dunno how to do these kinds of asks so correct if I did anything wrong, also no pressure!

first off dont even worry about it i feel that 👍

long post ahead!!!!!!

austria -

2. What's your oc's orientation? (Romantic/sexual/platonic/alterous etc) Do they have opinions about it?

bi or pan tbh, but i lean more towards bi. not for any actual reason, just vibes-wise. generally, they just don't really care

4. Is your oc's environment supportive about their identity? How does this impact them?

seeing how austria as a real life country is surrounded by countries that have capitals/large cities that are more queer than not, i'd say that austria could be pretty gay-friendly. so, in the context of austria as a character, i'd say her environment is decent at least. if we were talking characters-wise though, they've definitely faced homo/transphobia,, especially by prussia (we'll get into him next)

7. Is there something that could cause your oc to question their identity? What?

what role she has to play in what scenario, i think... i'd imagine austria as being more fluid with gender, but leans much less on masculinity. they can probably take on that role if she really needs to though

prussia -

2. What's your oc's orientation? (Romantic/sexual/platonic/alterous etc) Do they have opinions about it?

bi tragedy bro. he used to be insecure about it, thinking that he can only date cis girls so no one thinks hes 'straight'

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

he's kind of a misogynist (much less in modern-day... not intentionally at least) so i'd say he just started calling himself a dude because he didn't like the idea of being seen as a damsel in distress, or having to do what women traditionally do (such as bear children, cook, clean, stuff like that). then he realised he actually liked that and just stuck with it ever since

9. Are there cultural lore or specific aspects to their identity? If applicable, does their species affect it?

have you seen berlin .

anyway, we know prussia was the teutonic order and stuff, so of course he's going to have a very violent and traditionally masculine upbringing. that's all i can really think of to say about that but i hope that makes sense

für mich?? :0

14. Do you have ocs on the aro or ace spectrum?

prussia, actually - he's acespec somewhere

16. Did you ever change an oc's identity when they were already established? Why?

(ik in the second ask u didnt list this but i wrote it out for 3 anyways)

austria,, when i first got into hetalia i hc'd them as transmasc, and it still hits as a headcanon, but it's not something i personally see her as anymore.

19. Do you have preferences about depicting homo/transphobia in your stories? What, and why? Does it vary by story?

i like it more casual, nothing incredibly tragic unless it's a full-on hatecrime. i just think that making every trans/homophobic remark/action tragic just... makes it less tasteful and less realistic

20. Have your ocs helped you in self discovery?

i'm gonna get comfy here and say that seeing prussia as a freak in the sheets made me more comfortable with doing the same. like, leather and stuff like that

[milkbreadtoast]

Your ouran thoughts are so *chef's kiss* thank you for pointing out the whole haruhi gender thing bc as a trans person myself it always rubbed me the wrong way too how it got treated

🥹🥹🥹THANK U FOR READING MY OURAN THOUGHTS... this is 1 of the first animes ive ever watched so its rly formative/influential for me and ive rewatched it several times over the yrs and noticed more things and watched my opinions of the show and charas grow and change... Haruhi is 1 of my first encounters(actually i think the first) w a nonbinary chara in media and I love everything about their chara and the way they were written (and I love the whole concept of them being the protag of a shoujo harem anime despite being nonbinary and very aro/ace... a host who woos girls at that)... I especially love the way she doesnt change herself for anyone, keeps being authentically herself the entire anime in a way that touches and changes the rest of the cast too... like 1 little detail that symbolizes this well is the personal pronouns they use in jp... Altho they tried using "ore" a few times causing tamaki to freak out (HE SHOULDVE LET HER😒).. the main personal pronoun they use is "jibun"(lit: self, oneself), and it's a gender neutral pronoun... and importantly, they consistently use "jibun", whether it's before becoming a host(in middle school, when passing/being seen as a "girl"), as a host(while passing/being seen as a "boy"), and just out in daily life... Just as she doesnt change herself or act differently in all those contexts, and is just authentically herself, regardless of how people see her... and consistent with her belief that gender and outward appearance doesn't matter, it's one's personality/who they are underneath that does...

Haruhi and Tamaki form strong narrative parallels to each other because they both suddenly came into the lives of all the other host club members, were able to see them for who they really are (and not just the facade they put on for others), and just by being their genuine selves, touch and impact them deeply, even alter the course of their lives (some more than others, like tamaki for kyouya and haruhi being the first 1 to be able to differentiate the twins)..... And this is why I think it's... unfortunate that Tamaki was written the way he was, as so close-minded in his views on gender(and sexuality), bc 1 of the core traits of his character is being otherwise open minded and extremely empathetic... the dichotomy of his chara is despite being a "vain idiot" obsessed w looks and himself, he still shows this surprising depth and ability to read others... And of course I don't think it's surprising at all for him to have these transphobic and homophobic views, given he's a teen with a rich sheltered upbringing and all, so it was prob just. Sigh. ingrained in him bc thats how he was raised but.... narratively, with the way his character is otherwise so open (and bro is literally bi too😭) it really is unfortunate... Like his openmindedness is 1 of the strongpoints of his character (like how he wasn't put off at all when he saw Kyouya's "true face"...) And I think it goes against his nature, so I hope that once he gets older he starts to listen to the trans/nb/gnc ppl in his life and change his views... LIKE HARUHI... WHICH IS WHY ITS SO STRANGE. That he never once listens to them abt their gender the entire series... and he cares abt her sm YET doesnt listen and repeatedly, stubbornly tells her shes wrong and that she needs to be more feminine.... ugh. Yeah it's painful... And then with the way the manga ends with haruhi marrying tamaki and having babies and growing her hair out and becoming more feminine, as if it was all just a phase... *Agonized* ...Tbh I really do think. That this is the product of the (presumably cis) author not knowing enough abt the trans(/queer/lgbt) experience to know what to do with the amazing, nonconforming characters they created... I really do feel like if Ouran was an anime made today, and the author was more informed about LGBT issues and experiences, Tamaki could've been written differently and maybe more accepting and open toward's Haruhi's views on gender... Sigh... Anyway rip. Tfw a work so virulently transphobic and homophobic and a product of its time can also have some of the most compelling trans and gay characters and have sm poignant scenes that stand the test of time... Ouran my problematic beloved 🥲🥹

[arrogantsoap]

back on tumblr to possibly stir the pot on tumblr queen fandom idk

(these are for context)

I was talking about it on twitter as you can see on the images above and decided to move it here because.

this is a huge rant, it might piss people off.

Idk, this is conspiracy theory but whatever, it's not like my opinion has any relevance. I saw a few comments on the thread of op's post mentioning how fucked up it is of roger and brian to contribute to borhap being the way it is (villainizing freddie for being gay basically). and like. idk. I've checked out of this fandom quite a while ago, so I'm not exactly keeping up with anything. but like it would be interesting to analyze them as a "friend group" again. because behind the scenes there might've been some fucked up homophobia going on, or some shit like that. like it definitely seems like the image they're trying to paint of themselves is only that clean to hide something else.

and now im going off my own tweet, like i see no reason for them to be so quiet/private about certain aspects of their lives (? idk how to explain this). like, you could argue that because they're still alive they still have an image to maintain of sorts. but idk. look at the beatles. everybody knew they were fucked up and now the remaining living ones just say yeah actually we were fucking insane. now queen seems a lil weird. they're a seventies rock band, im guessing everyone who knows anything about seventies rock bands will assume they were all fucking insane, but instead of ever elaborating on it (from what I can recall from more recent interviews I remember seeing/reading) they just don't really mention it??? like it's always about freddie, and how freddie was a tormented genius who fucked up his own life because he was crAazy guys!! idk. they (brian and roger more directly) never really let the people in their lives and their actual thoughts on things. they make sure to always mention freddie (because how could you not, really) but always say exactly the same things, i haven't seen an actual thoughtful retrospective by them. and it just feels like they're hiding shit, y'know? they seem very pr friendly.

and yeah maybe you could argue it's for privacy reasons. but they like talking about their past. just not about themselves and how they played a part in their past. borhap is the proof. they do like using queens image and !!to me!! it seems that it is solely for profit.

one of the great things about biographies and biopics and all that is the reflection about past events, revisiting events with a clearer understanding of context, being able to see clearly the different sides of the same story and all. but the remaining of queen seems to suffer from a chronic lack of self awareness when it comes to their own lives. and again !!!!to me!!!! that might be a sign that they weren't friends (with freddie) perse after all. mccartney can shit on lennon all he wants but he never diminished his importance or paint him in a bad light after his death for the sake of his own image, and that's a telltale sign of love and respect between the two of them.

and back to the homophobia bit, i don't think i explained it all that well. it's interesting how freddie was one of the biggest queer icons and impacted so many lives, but since his legacy was in the hands of the straight people around him it got all warped as soon as they had the opportunity. I could understand a biopic like borhap being made about him by some random director with loads of money to spend and no interest in queen/freddie besides the money their image could bring (think the movie yesterday). but it's completely different that roger and brian wanted the story to be told like that. that just shows that no matter how much they say they loved freddie (and who am i to say they didn't) they didn't bother to respect him.

idk. idk idk idk. this is just a convoluted way to say: queen's version of the story we've got so far seems iffy. i don't really trust it. but maybe im just misinformed. in that case just ignore what i said.

[the-official-account]

Episode 22 3o❤️s

I've just been sitting here rotating them in my mind so I'm gonna do another episode

What I love about podcasts is how they make me permanently associated a certain feeling with this opening music in a pure Pavlovian response. The absolute adrenaline hit I got from the Desperado opening music was craaazya an now three of Hearts makes me 🥰🥰🥰

Essay's ability to repeat the word "crystallis's" is astounding.

Namesake AND relative. Okay. Okay okay okay I'm normal I'm so normal!

Diamond agreeing with the plan or not is the difference between consensual kidnapping and uhhhh kidnapping.

"If diamond doesn't trust queer creeper we might be able to get away with just heisting diamond, we don't need diamonds cooperation" HFODGSODGKZVSZ THATS JUST KIDNAPPING BUT OKAY!!!

"we can kidnap diamond consensually or by force" 😂😂😂😂 okay I get this as like a witness protection thing but damn

"a find my phone but for the people you've adopted" VDODHKSBSKD. I love this podcast about vellum, spar, and their strange child who is their age

Loving this strange shadowy room that definitely has nothing lurking in the corner

"STANDING IN THE CORNER IS A PERSONS OUTLINE" BECAUSE OF COURSE

Bxksgskdgs he says EXCUSE ME

NOT THE STEALTH CHECK JOKER IM DEAD

A HILARIOUS introduction to voracity

Ipswitch is such a nerd... WHEEEEW GETTING CAUGHT IN THAT WAS NAAAARROWLY AVOIDED

I get this nagging feeling that no matter what diamond is not gonna be with the agents by the time shit shakes out.

"diamond has a method of circumventing free will" is diamond altered? This was definitely mentioned in just not sure. But that means they mind controlled Kurt or something, right? I wonder if voracity can suck people's alterations out of them or something.

Ooooh locate person spell yeah...

Spar just *goes*...yeah. yeah that's spar. Go get 'er!

"if something happens and spar gets murdered, whatever" NOT WHATEVER. I WILL CRY

Here I am like oh, I love this little fight it is so cute and harmless and really shows off who they are as people so nicely and then—

"are you saying I'm not a good enough fields agent?"

"yes. I am" spar noooo

VELLUM PUNCHES HIM? OKAY KING MAYBE NOT THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE EMOTIONALLY BUT IM SO HERE FOR THIS. THE DRAMA. TAKE NO INSULTS!

TWO SUCCESS TO PUNCH. TWO TO RESTRAIN. OH MY GOD.

"and kaolin vellum can't throw a fucking punch" okay part is me is SO MAD right now but the larger part is me is eating up all this info about spar, I didn't know he got like this

JAKUB THIS IS NOT GREAT TIMING IM FUCKING DEAAAAD.

'if you're gonna be dead can I at least uhhhh do my job?'

"This is what I'm for" ugh. Ugh. OUCH.

"I care too much about you for you to get hurt, you know that right?"

"SPAR DID NOT KNOW THAT"

... "HE DOESNT WANNA HAVE TO TELL ANY OF THE OTHER FELSPARS THAT SOMETHING HAPPENED TO SPAR WHEN HE WASNT THERE" OH IM SHAKING.

I was warned about this episode but I was not warned

"You got it kid. Sir" that's cute.

Wow I have so many emotions in my body right now.

HE CHECKS HIS TIE AND DIEBDKDBSKDBDISVS

"be careful"

"I always am"

"that's a lie—DAMMIT SPAR"

But the cheek kiss. Oh my god the cheek kiss. I feel like people get so wrapped up in mouth-kisses that they sometimes forget the simple shit like hugs and kisses on the cheek can be just as emotionally impactful if not more in context. The cupping his face. This. mmmmmmmmmmMMMM!!!!!!!

God I love them. I love them. I love them so much.

Spar and Xbala's friendship is so precious. Everyone is so precious. I'm gonna cry. but SPAR STOP DUCKING JOKING ABOUT THE IDEA THAT YOU'RE LOVED! GODDAMN!

I'm still loving the groove, this time I am bopping and weeping.

Okay but thinking about a last name in a hypothetical marriage that they hypothetically decide to want they'd probably keep theirs??? For work reasons?? But idk. I was just thinking that "Velspar" is a cool shit name. Kaoliam. Merlin. Maybe not merlin fksgsksgdjdgs

[spar bakes tiny pixie sized cakes for Sorel as he organizes her birthday yearly, doesn't org. His own lets someone else. He's confident in his cakes but otherwise can't really cook]

Ipswitch is a mood, I also love tasks.

Maybe my volume is slightly higher than normal but this end of midtro music seemed extra groovy

It just hit me that there was no heavy content warning at the start of this episode so spar's fine at least for now. I'm not feeling particularly anxious today but knowing that would definitely help a lot of j was :D

"she's not gonna blow up the car" awhhhh

I know he's fine and I'm still worried, but like, in an exciting way

He cuts the radio station in half <3.

I'm imagining Anya giving the guards bad legal advice because I think it's funny. Anya is a "vengeance is best served cold" kinda gal

I love spar saying he wants to pick Anya up because I know she is the size of maybe 2 footballs (exaggeration)

I LOVE THAT THEY KIDNAPPED CARNATION ALSO LMAO. sorry you got muzzled tho bestie that makes me sad....

How are we transporting carnation in the sedan? Or maybe carnation is just really fucking fast because pigs are fucking scary. And then this one has ANTLERS oh my god. I also need to draw carnation

Eughhhh I don't like where this incoming car is going

There are animatics in my head of all the fight scenes that I will never be able to make but know that they are VERY cool.

I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED ABOUT VORACITY BUT THE FUCKING BEARTRAP LMAOOOOOOO

This does imply voracity has some sort of physical ability maybe.

>:( the hosts need to stop being funny they keep making jokes before I can make the jokes. But still "playing whatever card game is the gayest" is SO much fun.

The :0 face..... IPSWITCH!!!! ASK FOR AN ALTERNATIVE DATE OR SOMETHING OH MY GOD

the suits manual (which I know exists but I maintain does not exist exactly because it is funny) — "MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR GODDEX" FFFFUCK.

One success has ME making peace with my goddex.

IMAGING GETTING A BEAR TRAP THROWN AT YOU

"IF NEEDED SPAR WILL FASTBALL SPECIAL ANYA TO THE CAR" 😂😂😂😂

SPAR SPAR SPAR SPAR SPAR STOP FUCKING BEING SELF SACRIFICIAL THAT IS A BLOOD SUCKING VAMPIRE MY MAN WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK SPAR WHAT THE FUCK

JORDAN THE MINUS ONE FLIP WHAT THE FUCK JORDAN WHAAAAAA

Oh shit cool sword shit I love cool sword shit.

THEIR BLOOOOOD TURNS TO STONE? THATS SO FUCKING COOL.

Spar I love you but your hubris —TWO JOKERS. The deck said "fuck you. The timeline."

Ooooh it won't kill a Felspar........SO HE'S GONNA FUCKING SHOOT THEM? VELLUM DEFINATELY DIDNT FUCKING AUTHORIZED THIS BUT I IMAGINE ITS ASSUMED—NO SUCCESSES

HHHHHOLLLLLY FUCK.

VORACITY KNOWS—FUCK YOU VORACITY STOP TALKING ABOUT HIS PARENTS FUCK YOU. CHRIST. GOD. THIS. HUPEHDLJM?

Xbala's gotta be fucking flooring it.

Wheeeeeeew. What a fucking episode. Fuck. Wow. Fuck.

@threeheartscast

[howtobecomeadragon]

hello!! this is perexcri because tumblr is dumb and doesn't let sideblogs send asks :) anyway!! for the book asks: 32, 38, 103, 129, and also 71!! i need some good lgtbq+ book recs and am always open to suggestions :] 💜💜💜

hello hello!!!! :)

32: your favorite nonfiction novel

i don’t read much nonfiction, but of what i’ve read, Know My Name by Chanel Miller stands out from the rest. not only was it really emotionally impactful, but also really informative about the criminal justice system (and its many failures to protect victims of sa). very very heavy though, and look into trigger warnings going into it!

38: your favorite series

this is a very hard question. i can’t… i can’t narrow it down. i’ll share a few.

Inkheart: a childhood favorite that i still revisit often. characters come out of books. it’s magical :)

Six of Crows: this duology is so popular for a reason. they’re just amazing. amazing plot, characters that will stick with you forever, and every romance is perfect (there is a queer relationship in here!). there is scheming, heists, magic, found family, revenge.

In the Woods (Dublin Murder Squad): i’ve only read two of these so far, but they’re detective books! they really pull you in and make you feel disoriented in the best way. they just totally transport you somewhere else.

The Foxhole Court (All for the Game): it feels insane and ridiculous to include this book on this list, but this book series was all i thought about for a week as i read them, and i still think about them all the time, three years later??? they’re ridiculous, it’s about a made up sport and the mafia, it’s so outside of what i usually read, and yet i was captivated. and i’m not alone, there’s like a very small dedicated following to the series, it’s like a little cult classic. it’s self-published so they’re not extremely polished, but it’s not too bad at all. i got them all as ebooks for like $5, but i loved them so much, i bought them all in print too. a bunch of crazy stuff happens, definitely check tw if needed! there’s also an extreeeeeemely slow burn queer romance in here, but like, it’s slooow.

103: a book that deals with heavy topics

Neverworld Wake is one of my favorites. it’s kind of like dealing with grief in a limbo time loop.

Sadie was a devastating book, about big sister’s love for her little sister, and made me sob. check out trigger warnings as needed!

also, i don’t own this one, but My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell. this book isn’t for everyone, but it’s an exploration of csa and grooming from a teacher, with flashes forward to the narrator’s experience confronting what she thought to know to be true about that relationship within a 2017 context when that teacher has been accused of abuse. check out trigger warnings as needed.

129: a book with beautiful prose

The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender. beautiful but definitely check out trigger warnings!

71: your favorite LGBTQ+ fiction

i’m going to give you lots of recs bc it seems like you want a lot, and i have read a lot :)

In Other Lands: one of my favorite books of all time. silly YA fantasy, bi mc, amazing characters that stick with you.

Red, White & Royal Blue: goofy little son of the president x prince of england romance

Autoboyography: kinda insta-lovey, but explores a lot of IH and religious homophobia (love interest is mormon)

Charm Offensive: it’s like the BACHELOR, but he’s ANXIOUS, and he doesn’t fall for any of the CONTESTANTS, but rather a GUY CREW MEMBER with DEPRESSION. 5/5, amazing.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe: a classic!!! a couple teens figuring things out.

A Dowry of Blood: not my favorite, but it’s Dracula and his brides, it’s queer and poly.

Song of Achilles: a classic!!!! the fall of troy and everything that came before that.

Wolfsong: it’s a whole series about gay werewolves. what more can you ask for??

The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue: not my favorite, but fun. an adventure!!!

Every Heart a Doorway: first in a series of novellas, so much great rep. people find doors to other worlds that they slip into, but the story picks up once they’re back and homesick.

I’ll Give You the Sun: one of those like… early queer books that i read before i knew i was queer, but it made me feel so much at the time. permanently imprinted in my brain.

Fence: there are graphic novels, and then a couple novels. it’s fencing at a boarding school, and everyone is so so so gay. the novels are hilarious too, written by the same author as In Other Lands.

some books that i don’t own and didn’t love, but were pretty good: The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid, Only Mostly Devastated by Sophie Gonzales, Perfect on Paper by Sophie Gonzales (explores biphobia and attachment styles, which was really interesting!), History Is All You Left Me by Adam Silvera (oh my GOD this book made me sob, it’s so much heavy grief), She Drives Me Crazy by Kelly Quindlen (fake dating), Her Name in the Sky by Kelly Quindlen (wlw but a lot of IH and religious homophobia)

i’ve read more that were just so-so, and have a ton of unread queer books, so if you want more ideas, let me know! i have a lot more i can give you, just without my personal stamp of approval :)

book rec asks here!

[tailsrevane]

on the one hand i want people to use whatever words help them feel understood, on the other hand every new way we find to tell complete strangers what genitals we had when we were born just feels increasingly dystopian & unnecessary.

this doesn’t mean people who are comfy talking about their surgeries/etc shouldn't talk about them as much as they want btw!!! that shit is important!!! celebrate it!!! i fucking love that i got an orchi, i literally want to get a tattoo of a neutered animal symbol on my thigh to celebrate it. what i think is weird is the like... prevailing expectation that there necessarily should be some mandatory aspect of social identity that informs literally everyone what's in your pants and whether it's always been there. and it feels like it's also there to let people who don't want to acknowledge your authentic, self-professed gender identity what your "real" gender is beneath it.

like, unless you're going to interact with me in a context where i'm naked, it literally does not impact you even slightly what genitals i currently have, and it impacts you EVEN LESS whether they're the same ones i had when i was born.

and like... tagging enbies as like "transmasc" or "transfem" when they've never used those words to describe themselves seems pretty blatantly transphobic? and i've stopped using those terms for myself for the aforementioned reasons and also because... i'm not moving towards either masculinity or femininity? the idea that i'm starting one place & going towards another seems pretty, you know... binary? and i'm *checks notes* nonbinary?

again, use whatever words make you feel comfortable & understood, that matters more than anything else, i'm just bewildered by how much even other queer people try to shove nonbinary people back into the gender binary, and again, even if you aren't nonbinary, hell even if you're cisgender, people feeling entitled to know what genitals you have and whether or not they're factory issued is fucking creepy? please tell me this is making sense.

[yuuseasidesunset]

an aspec goes to a bookshop 

I recently had my first encounter with an aroace Sci-Fi in Japanese and just had to write about it.

I enter a bookshop and feel like crying. I don’t know which book to pick up and I end up spending more time walking around than reading. This has been typical of me in a bookshop over the past few years, since I started to identify as aspec. 

Growing up, I’ve always been a bookworm. As soon as I learned to read, I started devouring all the books I could get my hands on. Recently I found a reading diary we were made to keep in primary school, and the small notebook contained the titles of many more books than I had remembered. Fantasy had already become my favourite genre. I probably read so many books during that time that I didn’t remember what happened in each story. 

Looking back, I can’t pinpoint when that started to change. As I got older my reading skills developed and I came to digest each story more slowly and carefully so I could enjoy the reading experience. That explains why I became so bad at deciding what to read; when you want to take time for it, you would want to choose what you enjoy reading. 

But that wasn’t the only reason, though I couldn’t figure it out at first, and maybe it already started in the fifth or sixth grade. As I grew older, the books recommended for my age group started to contain elements of romance, a certain kind of interaction between a girl and a boy (it was always a girl and a boy - which I didn’t care that much at that time because being anything other than straight simply wasn’t given as an option anyway). I still enjoyed the books and got excited about all the adventures and characters and emotions and all that was there, and I read the romance plots just as any other kind of b-plots. But then, romance and sex became more and more dominant with time, both in books I read and in conversations I had with my friends. I started to feel as if I were much younger than them, too “innocent” and childish for those topics. It might also have had something to do with the fact that Asians are often perceived as younger than their age in Western/European contexts, which was often the case where I spent the latter half of my teenage years, but that definitely wasn’t the only reason. When I came across the terms asexual and aromantic, things started to make so much sense. 

But as it might be the case for many, figuring out at least part of my sexuality wasn't necessarily the most difficult part, unlike many of the YA books I had previously read about queer experiences. Just as much as I was relieved to have a way to describe myself and to find others whose experiences and feelings I share, I also came to notice small and big things built upon the premise of heteronormativity and amatonormativity, and how other people seem to smoothly navigate through them, and be hurt by those little things like advertisements on the metro and anecdotes in daily conversations. It might sound like an exaggeration, but it did feel that way. Little things like that often build up. 

For me, one of the ways in which the impact manifested was that I started to sometimes feel like crying in bookshops and libraries, my favourite places of all. I felt like I was out of place in those storyworlds. I became scared of picking them up. 

I don’t mean to say that all (hetero) alloromantic allosexual people enjoy all the books in the world. But there are simply more options to choose from to relate to in any genre. Of course, there are a vast number of stories and books and every person can like or dislike them, relate to or not relate to them; it’s not unique to queer, aspec, or aroace people. But objectively speaking, there are many more books built upon the premise that romantic and sexual relationships and interactions are an essential and natural part of anyone’s course of life. At least the stories I’ve encountered have been that way, especially those supposedly for “grown-ups” that I found in bookshops in Japan. And when the sheer existence of that premise in a book felt like rejection and exclusion, just the idea that none of the books in the bookshelves went directly against or weren't based on that premise made me want to cry. I started to avoid stopping by the fiction shelves. And that’s been the default for the past few years since the very striking discovery that not everyone feels the way I do and that I was rather the odd one out that the descriptor aroace can be applied to. I got used to feeling as if there were no books for me to read without feeling like an imposter, or read always only as audience and never a participant.

So, reading The Nowhere Garden for the Innocent (無垢なる花たちのためのユートピア) just blew my mind. As a collection of SF short stories by an openly aroace author, it was what I had always wanted without realising. Science fiction and more broadly speculative fiction reimagines the world and enables the understanding of the world and people in ways otherwise impossible, which is one of the reasons I love the genre. But (though the number of books I’ve read so far isn’t large) it was the first work of speculative fiction that spoke to my experience and feelings specifically related to my aroace-ness in a way this book did. 

The book contains six short stories, all science/speculative fiction. The rule-bending nature of speculative fiction enables us to imagine what ifs, but it also makes visible the author’s assumptions about the limitation to those imaginations, what they regard as essential or minimum for the story to be real in their worlds. Of course, books written by alloromantic and allosexual authors also often explore possibilities of relationships and sexualities, I know that. But it just feels different when it reflects the aroace experience. I didn’t know how liberating it feels to read stories where I’m not told I’m in the wrong for the lack of certain experiences or feelings, implicitly or explicitly. 

I hadn’t understood the true importance of representation in media, especially that of aro people, until I read Loveless by Alice Oseman (whose protagonist is aroace) and watched Little Women (2019) (whose protagonist Joe who I interpreted as an aro icon, largely thanks to Sounds Fake But Okay podcast. My fave pod btw). Recently, I have also been rediscovering the power of fanfiction. And now, I have an even deeper understanding of what it means to have a piece of work in your favourite genre that you can see yourself in, and whose author clearly states their wish to create works in which they battle against amatonormativity, and in a language you grew up reading books in, which for me is Japanese. I’m now more jealous than before of the majority of the people who I suppose have plenty of books they can relate to in this particular sense (which is a fresh surprise to me every single day, what do you mean sexual attraction and games of romance are real and not fake?) (I am joking, respectfully). 

I don’t want to spoil the book so won’t write too much about it here, but what I found to be one of the undercurrents in the book is the power of writing itself. It’s about how much writing stories and letters and diaries and memoirs and names might mean to somebody who might be looking for something or somebody. And, reading the book, I realised a special impact that fiction has on me. Works of fiction enable a kind of empathy different from the kind that nonfiction offers, like interviews, scientific books or even tweets, though they have also helped me. Fictional stories enable the reader to immerse themselves entirely in the world and identify with the characters. That is how I feel reading fiction, especially speculative fiction. And when identities often invisible are represented there, it can act like a special kind of affirmation that yes, a person can feel like that, and yes, it is a way to exist in the world and to interact with other people. 

So I’m glad this book exists, and that I had the chance to encounter and read it. Stories save people. I hope people keep believing in the power of writing and storytelling, because now that I know books like this one can and do exist, I don’t feel as much like crying in a bookshop.

--------

無垢なる花たちのためのユートピア (The Nowhere Garden for the Innocent), Megumi Kawano - in Japanese 

Loveless, Alice Oseman

SFBO Little Women episode 

(This post was originally posted on my previous account @seasidesunset on 09/08/2022)

[tequilaasquared]

Whilst the BL fandom isn’t particularly huge on tumblr, its much easier to write out more comprehensive and detailed thoughts about serious subjects here than on twitter, and I think today that is needed.

I’m pretty disappointed that the one main takeaway from Aof, Professor Dew, Pompam and Nanon’s discussion of BL being a soft power for Thailand and now having an impact on Thai culture, is that Nanon is heterosexual. It’s pretty ridiculous if I’m being honest.

The talk was just 30 minutes long and yet was incredibly in depth. We were being told the perspectives of an academic, an openly gay Thai director and a well known actor who has acted in a BL.

Nanon was not there to represent the LGBTQ community nor was he talking on their behalf; his answers were from the perspective of a young Thai actor who has grown up during the height of BL popularity and stared in an acclaimed BL which gained international attention this past year.

The four men covered topics such as making BLs more inclusive, it’s affect on lgbtq awareness in Thailand (a pretty conservative country with a ban on gay marriage) and personal stories told to them by people who’s lives have been affected by them.

I’m still kinda shocked Nanon got so much hate for it on Twitter, which sadly took away from the importance of the conversation. I think it’s pretty common knowledge that many BL actors will not be members of the LGBTQ community. Many of them maintain ambiguity to retain fans, many don’t come out because of the fear it could ruin their career. I think Nanon was trying to be as honest as possible, appreciating fans’ love of his friendship with Ohm and saying that he hopes he has provided them some sort of representation and comfort even though he is straight. I think it’s fair to say we’d all like more queer actors to take on queer roles, but that’s not always the reality and many people praised Nanon at the time of Bad Buddy’s airing for his relatable and respectful portrayal of Pran without knowing how he himself identified.

The most ‘controversial’ part of his interview was taken completely out of context by BL fans on twitter. Nanon was asked if growing up he found gay people and culture uncomfortable and he shot that down, making the distinction that he didn’t meet many openly gay people growing up and so gay culture was unfamilar to him. He mentioned educating himself more when he took on the role of Pran, but he never stated, as some people are suggesting, that he only became comfortable with LGBTQ folk when he did Bad Buddy. There was a significant translation error that was only corrected the next day and changed the meaning of some parts of his answer. But the idea that saying you educated and familiarised yourself with a community you yourself are not a part of, through research and friends who are LGBTQ, is somehow an admission that you were previously homophobic is insane to me. I am queer myself and learn new things every day that was previously unfamiliar to me that help me understand others within the community. Does that make me a bigot?

I don’t stan real people, but I have followed Nanon’s career on and off for many years as well as following him on social media. And I’m pretty surprised that he’s became the BL fandom’s new villain because he’s the last person I’d consider in any way problematic when it comes to support and allyship. He’s consistently used his platform to talk about political and social issues (including the issues faced by members of the LGBTQ community in Thailand), he’s secure in his sexuality and is very openly physically affectionate with many men, he’s spoken out about how he was a sensitive and emotional kid and made more female friends than male ones because he found girls were less harsh and easier to get along with than boys, and will comment on how handsome his male friends are from time to time on social media. He made a comment several years ago that he didn’t really watch BLs because he didn’t usually find the topics interesting, but still listed off his favourite queer Thai directors and movies/series. Regardless of his level of knowledge, he’s always been open minded and respectful; you have to be to learn about topics you don’t have an understanding of.

Nanon didn’t use BLs and fan service to make a name for himself; his big break was arguably The Gifted and he also became popular as a musician. He chose to take a role in Bad Buddy because he liked the script, he had wanted to work with Director Aof and he wanted to collaborate again with his friend Ohm Pawat. The idea that he used Bad Buddy as some sort of popularity stepping stone is silly.

And this not to say that BL series are somehow a lesser form of television entertainment. There’s nothing wrong with making your name in BL. There’s nothing wrong with solely acting in BLs. They bring a lot of comfort and entertainment to a lot of marginalised people. It’s the fact that he’s being accused of taking advantage of the LGBTQ community to gain popularity and followers because of this one answer, that I take issue with.

In a way I understand the knee jerk reaction from queer BL fans online; many of them were forming opinions based on one out of context screenshot. Some watched a clip of his full answer but still criticised him. The clip itself still didn’t explain the context of the question and answer which was all about the importance of Thai BL as a way to familIarise the average Thai with the LGBTQ community. Nanon specifically mentioned an example where he was told a mother and her queer daughter both watched Bad Buddy as a way to understand each other. This was the whole point of the talk.

I’m not saying his answers were perfect, or that he was the best representative for BL actors at this specific talk, or that hes fully knowledgeable about the LGBTQ community. But the vitriol I’ve seen the past few days is unbelievable. The fact that many of the accounts who posted the most viral tweets have since been informed of the mistranslation and yet have not deleted the tweets, spreading misinformation and hate, just shows complete immaturity and ignorance. It screams of fake ‘wokeness’ when these same accounts are fans of BL actors who have been accused of really heinous stuff with the receipts to prove it, and just shows how petty and toxic stan culture is. You don’t have to like the guy, but spreading stuff like this can be akin to defamation. And it’s unfair.