#but it is significantly impacting my experience because it sucks

[gachaparadise]

i've been dabbling with the hot new gacha reverse/1999 and its... okay so far. like everything is presented gorgeously and the battle system seems fun! but i can just tell this is NOT a game that's going last for me >_>

[ladykettlechips]

An Update

Hello to the world, I hope everyone is well!

I think that it's high time I gave you all an update. Though I am aware that I do not need to do this, I am a big believer in transparency and would like to give at least some insight into why I have not been writing.

Recently, my mental health has been negatively impacted by work. My hobbies have suffered for it and, to a degree, so has my social life; I stopped dancing because it was at my work place and, when I was incredibly ill and still being made to work 6 days a week, I couldn't face doing these classes even though I loved them. A lot has gone on behind the scenes for over a year now, things that resulted in delayed sleep, not wanting to wake up, headaches the moment I came to work, panic attacks, crying almost daily and more. In May, things seemed to just get worse; I had a traumatic experience regarding a customer I was close to and had no real support from work after the fact, outside of being asked if I'm okay. This also impacted my home and work life. So, not only were my hobbies and social life suffering, but so were my family and customers. I have become increasingly worse at work and, finally, I had a breaking point. After suffering a breakdown from the hours of 1am to 6am, I realised that I couldn't keep doing this. I wrote out my resignation that same day and handed it in the day after. I have nothing to go to after this, but my mental health has already improved significantly for it. Customers and family have seen an improvement in my mood and I have had nothing but support from customers, friends and family regarding my decision. My hobbies, especially writing, are still suffering at the moment, but I believe that once I leave my workplace I will be fine. I'm currently looking for work in cafes and such, but I'm also considering freelance work. Until then, though, I still need time away from fanfic and writing in general. It sucks, but the passion I hold for it has dwindled significantly. It hurts, but right now I need time to grieve and rest. I will be back eventually. Sadly, I just can't be back right now. Thank you for your understanding.

[marcspectrr]

I've be ruminating on Steven's line of "But if I'm you, it means I've got this too!"

Saw this post and it actually made me wanna put it in words.

So in my personal experience, being mentally ill often comes with a shitty habit of comparing yourself to others, usually in harmful and non-productive ways. Constantly doing a quick side-by-side and realizing you're using way more spoons than some people. Seeing tasks/aspirations/experiences you actively struggle with come so effortlessly to others. It sucks because you want that ease. Why can't you have that? It's this unconscious and compulsive act that you don't quite grasp the impact of until you're suddenly stuck in this rut that you've seemingly been digging for yourself the whole time, miserable. It feels like a form of self-harm most days, honestly. A trick from the brain intended to seek validation, only it actually ends up significantly hindering satisfaction. It's a horrible, inescapable cycle. Anyway.

It's obvious Marc sees Steven as his own person. The same can be said for Steven, even if he's had barely any time to process their situation. I think though, in a way, they see different sides of themselves in each other, in really good ways over time.

Marc doesn't look at Steven and become bitter at the fact he's the one with the normal life.

Steven sees strengths in Marc and therefore can recognize them in himself. Same thing with Marc. They're different strengths.

You can't make someone feel better about themselves just by wanting it for them, they have to be the one to decide it for themselves, and I just love how Marc and Steven help each other in this way.

[waheelawhisperer]

Slogged through V9E6, thoughts are under the cut

As always, I am worried that Jaune’s arrival means he’s going to start sucking focus away from the other characters again. Here’s hoping the writers remember he’s best used as a supporting character.

Jaune why did you grab the weird thing that looks like a clock what did you think was going to happen

Don't touch weird shit you idiot it's like rule #1

I hate the Ever After so much

So did he just sit there for years until he got DILFed? Lmao.

I'm sure this change will have long-lasting ramifications for both Jaune's characterization and the narrative as a whole.

Well, this was a wonderful, touching moment until it was immediately ruined by Weiss’s daddy kink

Like seriously who the fuck thought it was a good idea to have Jaune admit that he’d gone through a horribly traumatic experience and been incredibly lonely for what’s indicated to be literally decades based on his physical changes and then have Weiss immediately start thirsting for him like we literally see his eyes watering and then not seven seconds later Weiss is looking at him with do-me eyes

These writers genuinely have zero understanding of tone or how to set and maintain it effectively it’s amazing it's like they watched the MCU and the only lesson they took away from it was that every moment that might possibly have any kind of emotional impact needs to be undermined by a snappy quip as quickly as possible because otherwise someone might make the mistake of assuming your show is sincere about anything

Anyway girliepop’s showing her whole ass right now way to keep your fetish under wraps Weiss

Yang’s looking at her like “I know what you are”

Nice try Yang like I didn’t see you eyeing up Jaune too feast on the crumbs my fellow pan Yang truthers

Miles is genuinely never beating the “Jaune is a self-insert” allegations holy shit

Like if you want people to believe that the character you voice, who's received a disproportionate amount of narrative focus throughout the series already and has received repeated criticism for it, who's already been presented as attractive on at least one occasion, isn't a self-insert, maybe don't have one of the mains openly thirsting after him once you've written an excuse for him to be aged up so that he's both closer to your age and significantly older than she is after you've already posed for a picture with a body pillow of an underage girl from the show you write for and your coworker has posted that picture online with the caption "She's still only 16, don't get too comfortable". Like maybe consider the optics for 5 seconds. It'd be 5 seconds longer than you typically think through your writing choices, at any rate.

Wow, finally someone is engaging with the fall of Atlas, Team RWBY’s part in it, and the ramifications of both the previous things. Only took half the fucking Volume.

I actually like the pretty distinct perspectives and the conflict between Weiss and Blow. Weiss is the one who has the most reason to be attached with Atlas and Blow has the most reason to feel negatively about that Kingdom, so having them be the ones arguing here is a good choice.

Yeah, Weiss, you did fail, but it wasn’t just you. Most of the blame rests on the shoulders of Ironwood and these dumbass fucking writers.

That said, you guys didn’t exactly pass your trials with flying colors.

Good point, Ruby.

Yang is the first one to engage with Ruby’s distress again, even if she’s not exactly on the money here either in terms of her actual position on Ironwood or how to help Ruby.

I feel like this is one of the few moments of actual substance we've gotten this Volume and I really wish we'd spent more time digging into it. Unfortunately, He-Jaune, Master of the Universe, cuts it short. Not a fan of that choice unless we pick this up again at a later date.

He-Man’s a little bit of a jerk. Interesting. I kinda want to see where this goes.

He also doesn’t seem to like the Cat. He gets points for that.

He-Man, Master of the Jauniverse, does not want them going to the Tree. Given what apparently happened to the Herbalist, this implies something sinister about the Tree and Ascension.

You read my mind, Weiss.

Jaune has a very different perspective on Ascension than the Cat. On the one hand, the Cat is a denizen of the Ever After and probably knows more about how it works than Jaune does. On the other hand, Jaune is far more inherently trustworthy as a character we’ve known for 8+ Volumes, whereas the Cat is sinister as fuck. They've been creeping me out since their introduction.

Once again, Ascension is equated with death – you lose your memories, lose who you are. Whatever you used to be is gone.

Good pun, Yang.

Who the fuck is Lewis?

Oh, wonderful, Alyx had a brother. An irrelevant character had another irrelevant character to hang out with. Can we please stop expanding the cast?

Go off, Weiss (and Yang)

What the fuck did the Cat just do

I love you Weiss. There really is just no end to the Ever After’s bullshit, is there?

Where the hell are Blow and Yang?

You walked right into that one, Weiss.

Love how He-Man’s just done with everything. I am too, buddy, I am too.

Here it comes, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Maybe we’ll get something decent out of this Volume after all.

YOU GUYS CAN LITERALLY DOUBLE JUMP WHY DOES EVERY SCENE IN THIS VOLUME THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE COMBAT INSIST ON FORGETTING THAT THE CHARACTERS HAVE MOBILITY TOOLS

I could cross that shit and I don’t even have superpowers

You have perfectly good ropes right there

Yes I get that it’s a metaphor for taking the next step in their relationship blah blah blah but the metaphor is shit

This Volume really likes presenting challenges as insurmountable when Team RWBY has regularly handled far more difficult ones it keeps breaking my willing suspension of disbelief

I'm normally pretty willing to buy into what a show is going for but I just can't do it for this Volume

Was that Summer in the reflection?

Looks like the reflections show everyone’s issues – Summer for Ruby, Penny for Jaune, Atlas for Weiss

Oh, so Alyx was a little shitter, huh? I’m sure there’s nothing negative about the choice to portray a (female) character of color this way, especially in a show known for being racist produced by a company known for being racist.

Okay yeah Jaune you probably fucked up here trying to railroad her into the book’s storyline. Somebody’s never played D&D before and it shows

Poor guy’s really hurting though, can’t blame him for feeling like a failure

I’d like the show to unpack all this but I don’t even trust it to handle Team RWBY’s issues (or even address them in a meaningful way) so we’ll see

I feel like we have to take everything Jaune says about the Cat and the Tree and the Ever After with a grain of salt, but the Cat is genuinely creepy as shit, so I feel like there’s some validity to this, at least.

So Jaune thinks the Cat fed Lewis to the Tree. Is he right? Who the fuck knows?

But it does set up some sinister implications about the Tree, the Cat, and the nature of the Ever After. If the Tree’s not an option, how does the gang get home?

I get the feeling that Jaune is at least partially wrong about how the Tree works, but what he's saying makes sense based on what he knows.

Yang you fucking dork

Anyway if Blow has a really good brain it’d be nice to see more examples of it beyond “she’s the bookworm”, I’m sure setting her own house on fire was a great demonstration of intelligence. I feel like this is another indication that I’m right when I say that RWBY would’ve really benefited from another Beacon Volume to really build the relationships between the core cast that the show tries to convince us exist.

Also, Yang is smart even if Blow makes her brain turn to mush. She seems to have figured out the trick here. She sounds so sweet and sincere when she mentions liking Blow’s ears, though I feel like this is another instance where the show isn’t taking Blow’s status as a minority seriously, what with the potential elements of fetishization here. Still, I’ll try to go with the writing’s intent here.

Honestly it probably wouldn’t even bother me if this Volume hadn’t insisted on continually comparing Blow to a cat

You did, in fact, nail it, Yang. Such a fucking dork I love her

Okay, Blow, maybe you do have a really good brain after all. Again, would’ve been nice to establish this a bit earlier, but oh well.

Yang you fucking dork lmao

Damn, Blake went hard here. Yang went with the surface-level stuff and was probably expecting the same in return and Blake just started pouring her heart out. I love the way Yang’s eyes and face just softened the moment Blake said she was an extraordinary person. Girlie was not expecting that at all.

“I like that you’ve never been intimidated by me” BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yang she fucking flinches like a dog expecting to be beaten every time you raise your voice around her she’s the only one in your friend group who’s ever been intimidated by you even Jaune is fine around you and that boy’s afraid of his own shadow

Jk I lied the other abuse victim on your team also has negative reactions when you act aggressive

Anyway I guess we know why we got that line about Yang not being scary (even though she could be if she wants to) back in Episode 1.

Yang how are you missing with every line Blow gave up on Adam and the White Fang and that was a good thing because it let her escape his abuse hello?

Oh and she sure as hell gave up on Qrow and Ironwood when Qrow crawled into a bottle and Ironwood decided to raise Atlas, and she was literally the only person on her team who didn’t believe in Yang’s innocence when Cinder framed Yang during the Vytal Festival (guess who was ride or die for Yang in that moment? I'll give you a hint: her name starts with a W), and she ran away from her entire team when Weiss was racist for two episodes. Finding her was the whole fucking plot of the V1 finale. Like I’m not even arguing that she was wrong or unjustified for any of that but if you want her to be the one who never gives up on anyone then maybe fucking show her never giving up on anyone

Does Blake really know what matters to her, Yang? It sure as hell wasn’t Faunus rights during the Atlas Volumes.

That fucking lighting lmao

Just spit it out you idiots lets get this over with my expectations are dropping with every line

God Yang is such a fucking dork I genuinely love this for her it would’ve been so easy to make her the cocky flirty one all the time and they didn’t

For all my frustrations with this show I do genuinely like that.

I like how Yang hesitated a bit and didn’t quite commit but Blake went full-bore.

Oh my God it’s so sappy and cheesy and romantic

I can understand why people love it even if for me it crosses the line to narm like honestly this scene just feels ridiculous but that's just a personal taste thing, it feels too over-the-top for me but there's some charm to it as well

I feel a little bad for the Cat but honestly they strike me as manipulative more than anything

Every scene just gives me bad vibes

Damn, they were makin out, hands changed positions and everything

Nice little leg pop Blow

You and the fandom both, Jaune.

Kinda wonder when you figured it out though because you were not picking up on it in Volume 8 ("Ruby?" "Yeah... Ruby.")

Good to know the Bees thought confessing their feelings was more important than getting home or stopping Salem. I like both characters less every time they treat the Ever After as a vacation.

The little hand touch is cute though.

Okay, Ruby is not reacting well to the return of Crimson Rose, probably because it represents the burden of being a leader and a Huntress.

She's pushing her insecurities down again. That's gonna burst out sooner or later.

Jaune thinks Alyx traded Lewis to the Tree in order to leave. My guess is that either Jaune or Ruby tries to trade themselves to the Tree so the others can go home.

Damn, Ruby’s rejecting Crescent Rose pretty emphatically there.

Music is still forgettable I don’t think there’s been a single song that I’ve remembered a not of when it’s not actually playing for 6 whole episodes

Miles gave a solid performance here and so did whoever voices the Cat.

Okay, so, here it is: the scene we’ve all been waiting for since Volume 2 at the latest. The Bees are an item now, and it’s really obvious that it meant a lot to CRWBY. They put a lot of love into that scene, and it shows. Visually, it’s gorgeous, the voice actresses clearly put their hearts and souls into it, the music is meant to scream romance...

Unfortunately, I don’t like it. Perhaps this is just a nitpick on my end because I’m a stubborn ornery cantankerous bastard who hates being told what to do, but this confession doesn’t feel organic. It feels like they were forced into it by outside factors (the stupid fucking punderstorm that wouldn’t let them leave until they told each other their feelings. If I'd been in their place, I would've sat my stubborn Texan ass down and told that fucking weather condition that it could let me out right now or move along on its own time, but I'm staying right here until it does. Ain't no fuckin rain clouds gonna tell me what to do).

I don’t like that in and of itself, but it gets worse when you consider that both characters are A) queer and B) were only coded and not explicitly confirmed as queer within the show prior to this scene. It feels like two queer characters are being forced out of the closet, which would be bad enough on its own, but gets infinitely worse when the company behind the show named itself after a homophobic slur and then built a company culture around bullying and bigotry and the lead writer on the show has been openly biphobic and fetishized bi women in the past. Good job, morons, you managed to take a ship I’ve supported since the characters involved met in the Emerald Forest and make it feel gross to me. Between this and Blake’s jokes about Yang’s arm in Episode 2, I’m officially not a Bumbleby shipper anymore. You’ve fumbled the bag that badly. Please never hold a job in any creative industry again.

Overall rating: Horrendously Bad And Specifically Disappointing On Top Of That/10

Amazed that I can't definitively declare this a bottom three episode of the Volume because 3 of the 5 others I've watched so far were also this fucking bad. Truly an accomplishment.

Everything that wasn't Weiss's thirst for DILFs and the Bumbleby confession was okay (not amazing), but the writers fucked up so badly with the parts that sucked that they accomplished something incredible: they executed a scene I've been waiting for for ages so incompetently that I don't ship Bumbleby anymore.

[crocheting-cupio]

hiii :] favorite nin songs? i'm curious what others we might share

Hello! :) It's going to be hard not to include everything on The Fragile and Broken, but I will try!

La Mer -> The Great Below -> The Way Out Is Through -> Into The Void. I feel like these four are one continuous work and and they are their strongest together. So I will count them as "one song." Anyway, they impacted me harder than The Downward Spiral (the album) did, which I didn't think was possible. Together, they are one of my favourite works of art of all time. And as someone who went to art school I've seen a lot of incredible art in all kinds of mediums.

Please. I mentioned this in my response to your post but IT KEEPS REPEATING! WILL YOU PLEASE COMPLETE ME?! [Clears throat] I don't know what came over me just then. So basically I wasn't the same man after hearing this for the first time. In my brain, being the writer and composer of Please is one of Trent's highest accomplishments. It's that good to me.

Pilgrimage. I think this one also altered my brain chemistry. It's such a weird track and I can't stop thinking about it. Also the auditory textures are immaculate.

The Becoming. This song is everything to me. Odd time signatures that never feel steady, sounds meant to make you feel very uncomfortable, long verses that never seem to end, extremely deliberate but strange sounding emphasis on syllables, I could go on forever.

Reptile. I don't know how to explain it but this song puts me on a new plane of existence. It feels like an emotional state that is both everything at once and nothing at all. Not to mention it being an incredible work of sound design.

Sin. I wouldn't be reposting the PHM fancam every Monday if I didn't absolutely LOVE this song. It was one of the first NIN songs I heard, and I said to myself "I don't care if the rest of what this guy made is crap, this is one of the best songs I've ever heard."

Ringfinger. A track so underrated sometimes even I forget how good it is. Just generally a really good song that I love, not a lot more to say.

Happiness in Slavery. I love this one because in the intense parts it feels like the song itself is attacking me (positive) but in the quieter moments it feels like a cry for help.

Suck. I really like the balance of intensity, rage, and heavy textures mixed with quiet, sensual, and regretful moments. It's like Closer and The Big Come Down put into a blender.

Only. Immensely catchy with very relatable lyrics, this is one of Trent's best for sure. Actually, it has helped me with social anxiety. If I get really anxious that no one actually likes me, I start singing "I just made (that version of) you UP, to HURT myself" until I convince myself no one actually feels that way about me.

Sunspots. The bass in this one is just incredible, I can almost feel the airwaves vibrate through my body. Combined with Trent's gentle and quiet voice it's a very pleasant sensory experience. Great for decompression after sensory overload.

The Line Begins to Blur. I really, really love the balance of noisiness and texture contrasted with smooth gentle sounds. It's very Fragile-esque but it feels more in control, focused, and significantly less "I'm dead inside." It's truly beautiful in every way.

Discipline. To be honest, Discipline > Head Like a Hole and The Hand That Feeds. Of all the very pop and mainstream songs Trent has made (that I've heard so far), this one is absolutely the strongest for me. It's so undoubtedly Nine Inch Nails, yet fits so perfectly amongst much less alternative/industrial artists. I'm 100% recommending it to anyone who wants to get into NIN. (My Mom also loves this song, it's her favourite NIN song I think.)

1,000,000. This one is kind of amazing to me because it's like every angry depression song Trent made up to that point rolled into one. Like actually just playing them all at the same time, I feel like I'm under psychic attack (positive). It's also... Unfortunately catchy. I have to be careful not to sing it out loud.

Thank you for the ask and for coming to my TED Talk! :)

[chaoticbuggybitchboy]

I want to know :3

:D

My favorite poem is Antigonish by Hughes Mearns! It’s featured in the Magnus Archives and it is lodged in my brain forever. I’ll probably make it its own dedicated post but it talks about a man who isn’t there, with the writer wishing that the man who isn’t there would go away. It’s a lovely little poem and especially as someone whose psychosis manifests primarily as delusions, I simply Vibe with a poem about something you know isn’t there but terrorizes you anyways.

And yeah! I have taste -> color synesthesia!! For the first 10 or so years of my life I thought you could teach colors to (color)blind people using foods. It’s kind of a weird thing to try and talk about because really the main way I know that my experience of the world is different from most people’s is that language just not built for the way I experience taste. I’ve thought of trying to do some sort of art based on my synesthesia but ive never been able to figure out exactly how since it’s really difficult for me to separate taste and the colors. I also experience ‘shrimp colors’ that don’t exist in a way humans can visually experience. Like orange and green at the same time, but not grey or speckled; the color simply does not exist.

There’s also almost no correlation between visualcolors and tastecolors. Por ejemplo, carrots (orange food) taste like a desaturated forest green. The only real trends are that the more artificial a food is, the more likely it is to match color wise; and that water will lighten and desaturate things.

Also it’s difficult for me to sort of quantify since I have no other frame of reference, but it does have a lot of effects on my life. Since color tends to overwhelm any ‘normal taste’, that’s what most of my favorite (and least favorite) foods are based on. I dislike carrots because it’s unpredictable whether they’re green or brown and I don’t like that neither of those are orange. My two favorite foods are grape koolaid (it’s so purple and I like purple; I also never water it down because then it’s Purple and I can also taste sour) and salt & vinegar chips (the vinegar covers any colors).

Water is always white or a very very light grey. This does affect what water I will drink because I avoid drinking water that’s sort of tinted warm colors. Doesn’t vibe right.

And the way I describe foods is almost always color based, since that’s the main way I experience it. This has deeply confused and mildly frustrated anyone trying to learn anything applicable to their own experience of food. I have no idea what other people taste, especially since colors tend to overshadow anything else. I’m pretty sure I experience spiciness and saltiness normally though.

And as mentioned earlier, it seriously impacts my sensory issues. Tastes are doubled (I guess?) and any after taste lingers for ages. If the water im drinking is significantly tinted it builds up in my mouth and is Bad (I had to pause writing this to refill my water bottle with my house filtered water instead of the water fountain from my school since that water is reddish and my water is only very faintly teal). Also since all taste is doubled-ish I am basically always aware of the fact that my mouth has a taste and a color. Which kinda sucks.

Also I think this is an adhd thing but I have a hard time describing colors unless I’m actively tasting something because I have a word based brain and the colors are something that completely upends the English language’s way of describing the senses. That’s sort of why I always describe it as being a one way link and say “taste to color synesthesia” rather than “taste color synesthesia”, because I don’t taste anything when I see colors, I just experience colors when I taste something. I think if it went both ways I would be a very different person and would likely have meltdowns much more often but that’s pure speculation.

I thiiiink that’s everything I can think of right now, but yeah! Synesthesia! I think I heard the word about four-ish years ago now and literally nothing has clicked for me faster than that did. It took me less time to start identifying with synesthesia than it did for me to identify with any lgbtq+ label. Every time I think about the fact that ‘tasting colors’ is something that people say to mean they’re loopy or high or something and not that they can literally taste colors I have to do a double take. It’s such a seemingly tiny little thing but it’s so fundamental to my experience of the world that I cannot even imagine anything different. What does koolaid taste like if not Color? I don’t know, because all I can taste is Color.

[mummer]

FINISHED the fires of heaven. my review: Sucked. Bad. nothing happened. even when things did happen the pacing was so terrible and the writing so lifeless and plain bad that it had no effect. frequently anticlimactic after 900 pages of setup, like what was it even for man. Just a really awful experience. became sort of relaxing, mind-numbing.. i dunno if i’m just more tired of it but it felt like the casual misogyny and gender essentialism ramped up significantly over the previous books. can only be described as HEINOUS. the romance plotlines are, truly, sub-YA. middle grade books are walking all over you rob. the only parts i enjoyed were accidentally engaging (99% mat) and not intended to be read the way i did (horror). perrin didnt even bother clocking in. moiraine sacrificed herself gandalf style but she was barely in the book so it had no impact and obviously shes not dead so. the main villain (?) barely appeared, was barely characterized. Why did they even join the circus. Trying to figure out if theres a perspective on War in this and, i guess not. “War is kinda sad, but pretty much necessary so dont think about it.” are the themes bad? no. Because there are no themes in the book. i tried to think of one single theme. ummmmm…. i guess nynaeve’s story was about….. believing in yourself…… believeing in yourself enough to temporarily enslave your enemy slaayyyy. Anyway i will read the next one i guess…

[honshew]

thoughts on bg3

overall, i had a lot of fun and would recommend to anyone interested! very ambitious game, and i'm amazed it exists tbh. there are so many really, really great aspects of it. however, i'm also glad to be done with it, bc i started to have less and less fun with it at the last part. which is an unfortunate place to have the worst part of the game. i really wish it wrapped up in a more satisfying way, because i became really attached to the characters and the incredibly detailed world. a shame it had to be rushed toward the end of development. it's incredible, though could have been more still.

i'm spending some time trying to figure out what i liked about the game, so this may or may not be updated as thoughts come to me. there will be spoilers all the way thru the end of the game so here's your spoiler warning

i think while people unfamiliar with dnd can play and still have a good time, it probably will feel overwhelming and there will likely be things you won't understand unless someone explains it to you. i can't even really call the tutorial a bad one as much as it's barely there. but i do know plenty of people with zero dnd experience still having fun and simply enjoying learning on the go!

on the other hand, being someone who plays dnd, once you figure out the interface it's a pretty smooth experience. there are some things that are a little different to accommodate how the game works (e.g. second-story work reduces your fall dmg rather than increasing your climbing speed, since the game doesn't really count climbing as distance), but those are pretty quick to learn. seems to me that the devs thought people who didn't play dnd wouldn't be all that intersted in bg3, but a ci'd be curious to see how many bg3 players will look for a dnd group to join from here.

act 1 was solid and was paced well. i really liked how many characters ended up showing up later in the game, as opposed to characters you save once and never see again. i think what was most fun was getting to know what i could get away with LOL not just an exploration of the world, but an exploration of the game itself. i have video of me talking to auntie ethel while my friends set up and set off a circle of flame barrels, so i got a front row seat of her being blown to smithereens.

act 2, also solid. i really enjoy quests that involve impacting a place in a really tangible way, like in okami, so the shadow-cursed lands were pretty cool. unfortunately, the game doesn't really show you this happening except a liiiiittle bit at the end, so it doesn't feel as good as it could. still, i liked exploring the area a lot. all of the mini-bosses of the area were unsettling, but we got past literally all of them via high charisma rolls. actually aside from the exploring, a lot of the fun was seeing how we could cheese boss fights, which carried into act 3

act 3 felt way more all over the place and buggy, which significantly lowered my enjoyment. ofc a game this massive will have issues, but i'm still sad that the last part of the game where everything crescendos is where i enjoyed the game the least. small things not working the way they're supposed to (e.g. certain npcs not running or climbing up a ladder when they are fleeing I'M TALKING TO YOU ZUMBO PUMBO AND FEATHERWEIGHT FALSON, astarion falling sleep to a spell even tho he's an elf during his end-of-quest fight). what sucks about things being so frustrating too was that the main quests had really great setups or concepts, but the execution was messy. still, we had a lot of fun messing with bosses. cazador couldn't do anything bc he was forced to dance while we killed him, orin was disintegrated, gortash turned to stone. kinda wild having a bard with 100% spell hit rate....!

i do wish we got to explore baldur's gate more. i totally get that would be a huge undertaking tho. i had a thought that maybe act 3 should've been its own game, but then i guess you couldn't call it baldur's gate 3 if you never get to baldur's gate. i didn't play the previous bg games, but i liked how they wove in the story from the previous installments and ttrpg modules without leaving newcomers to the series out of the loop too much.

i liked shadowheart's, astarion's, and wyll's quests a lot. the ansur part of wyll's was really cool. i adore trials to test character as a setup, especially ones administrated by some major figure. but also? fuck balduran for what he did to ansur and later to me. he's the city's hero, but he only really looks out for himself. which is cool for me as a viewer, not cool for the character i play as LOL

i have more thoughts but i will type them up here later maybe this has gotten long enoguh

[binders-and-beanies]

I don’t hear ppl talk much about balding on T so. Just some info on my personal experience

Ok so it’s genetic in the sense that if the men on your mom’s side of the family are bald, you’re more likely to go bald regardless of whether you take testosterone or naturally produce it. So it’s not that the medication itself necessarily makes you go bald, you just have the same risk as a cis man in your family with the same amount of testosterone.

And I also want people to know it’s not something that’s likely to happen very soon after you start (although everyone is different). So you don’t need to be scared that all your hair is going to fall out within a year or anything but also don’t be spreading implied misinformation like “I’ve been on it for 1-2 years and haven’t lost my hair so it’s fine” bc it can still come for ya.

It started for me around 6 years on T, I’m currently 7 years and almost 25 years old and I have like, not male pattern baldness but *significantly* less hair than I did. I used to be that person who would always have hairdressers say “I would kill for hair this thick” and it stayed that way for years after starting T, so I thought I’d be fine until my 40s. But very suddenly my hairline receded to the point I get told I have a five-head, and you can see my scalp on the top of my head. (Yes I’ve tried everything other than like, medical intervention so I can’t rly speak on that.) (Stress could contribute but I’m also significantly less stressed than I’ve ever been.)

Everyone will react to this differently, like in my case for example I’m scared of losing more hair because I feel it conflicts with my androgynous gender expression. I feel the need to prepare myself to be a “bald queen” or get tattoos on my head or find some way to be confident without much hair in the next few years. As far as the current emotional impact, it makes me feel kinda insecure since a lot of my friends are trans men either pre-T or less than 2 years on T with beautiful thick heads of hair.

People close to me are cool about it but in general I’m treated differently bc of my hair, and it sucks because I feel too young for it. Yes there are cis men my age who are balding but it’s just strange as a trans man because you’re treated as younger than you are, until you start balding. People were infantilizing me, and now I’m viewed as a creepy old guy, and there was like no in between. I *just* got comfortable in my level of transition and now I have this obstacle in my confidence.

But don’t get me wrong it’s been sooo so worth it, I remember saying at the start of my transition that I’d rather be perceived as a bald man than a woman. Gender is an innate part of my identity and I needed my medication to live a comfortable life, whereas my hair is just something that helps me feel good and express myself. I absolutely regret nothing but I want people to have a bit more informed consent about what they may experience depending on genetics.

[pizzaronipasta]

I'm sorry to drag back in the ai discourse, but this one thing has been bothering me: I think that accessibility by making art programs more user friendly would be the big impact here. Finding ways to work with people and make the process overall much easier to navigate and not as physically demanding would be huge for all users. It would also allow for new mediums for people to choose to engage with at a pace and focus right for them.

I also will say, I think AI would work best as a tool, something to maybe help generate an idea, or to guide in the right direction. My anatomy sucks, so I often use a 3D modeling program to angle the camera after a pose a blank base so I can achieve dynamic movement. Tracing as an early artist is sometimes encouraged, because you have to know what exactly you're drawing. All thats required is the acknowledgement of what into that work, and that it's a tool being used.

If you have put keywords into a computer and it produces an image, you can't trace what made that exact image, unless you put art in for it replicate. In which case, it's based on someone's work heavily, and credit is due. If you write an essay about the dangers of milk consumption, and even cite sources and quotes some of your information... but most of your paragraphs are paraphrased from other people's articles on the same subject, you didn't really share your own thoughts. There isn't a discussion on what you think, the way you see the world, because the bulk of that product is someone else's words and the ideas that are yours aren't allowed to shine.

And that's why I can't really consider typical AI generated images, just by themselves, as art. It's a picture, and it can look nice enough, but I would rather see what innovations someone can add to that picture to make it their own. You don't have to be limited to traditional artwork, you can make through whatever medium works best for you.

So, at this point, I'm wondering if I'm just poorly reading and misinterpreting what you meant, and want to clarify:

Do you mean AI art, as in AI generated images then edited significantly by humans with the AI image and base product, or AI just by itself?

Because the thing about art is that it's definetly building on previous ideas, there's a reason "steal like an artist" is a popular phrase. But the difference is that AI doesn't tell you where it's sources are: therefore you can never credit them. Generative AI is based on an algorithm, but it doesn't tell you what that algorithm is coming from. When you learn how to draw over time, you're influenced by your memory of what things sort of resemble, but it's almost never exact, and thus even when you make something mimicking that piece, you default to your own movements you've learned. If you try to draw the Mona Lisa, you'll end up drawing your own stylization, with the way you've taught yourself to draw eyes, the way you've learned to render color, and backgrounds, ect.

I don't think people should have to put themselves through physical stress or harm to create art. What I want is for art to be more accessible so more people can express how they feel. Generative AI can only express a few sentences of an idea, but not the deeper thought process and emotions and experiences, and because of that I feel it fails as art.

Thank you for your time.

I'm having a little trouble understanding your perspective on a couple of points, so I don't think I can adequately respond to the whole thing. Feel free to elaborate in further asks if there's anything you want me to understand better. However, I do feel that I can provide my thoughts on a particular detail you brought up. You say that some of your problems with generative AI come from the fact that it doesn't cite sources. I would argue that an AI's sources are too diluted to warrant or even enable conventional citation, considering that it's mostly unknowable what specific influence any given source would have on the program's output. Barring exceptional circumstances, AI doesn't really draw from existing works in any remotely straightforward way unless specifically prompted to, in which case the user is responsible for that decision, not the computer.

More importantly, however, I must stress that AI training is comparable to human learning. No human is able nor expected to credit every source that contributed to their every habit. When making art, we are drawing inspiration from literally everything we have ever experienced in our lives in at least some small way. Yet we only consider credit to be due for the most direct influences. I don't see why AI should be held to a different standard.

To answer your question, yes, I do consider both edited and unedited AI-generated images to be fully capable of being art. In general, I have a maximalist view of what counts as art.

I hope I haven't misunderstood anything you were trying to say. If I have, please correct me. Thank you.

[humansun]

being jealous of younger folx & learning why i have passive and asshole-y solutions 4 those who follow me around

Written Wednesday, July 26th at 7:44PM

Finally transferring the files over to my laptop for edit. The next few days will be a fun ride.

I was showering right now and I thought about my friendship with Ray, whether I’ll be in grad school in the next couple years, who I will be when I’m in grad school, how I’ll change as time passes, and how I’ll continue to grow into the person I hope to be.

I had a call around 5pm that made me confront my difficulty for accepting and celebrating the accomplishments of those who are younger than me. That’s actually one of my biggest secrets - that I am intimidated, envious, and jealous of those who are achieving a lot more than me at a younger age.

I can logically understand that there can’t be a comparison when everyone’s experience varies significantly based on a myriad of factors, but for some reason, my emotional side gets charged up when I am forced to confront this feeling.

However, I’m determined to overcome it as an obstacle in my life. In the same way that I squashed the lunch invitation from a kind and much, much older stranger from the gym or when I realized my denial about my sister’s marriage with her partner is because I’m scared of losing our relationship, I can definitely tackle this new bump in the road. Perhaps I won't do it headstrong, but I can gradually overcome this, even if it causes minor discomfort to my life.

I want to explore and confront my own feelings of insecurity when it comes to witnessing younger folks achieve greater things than me. What I want from myself is to accept it - like truly accept it, celebrate and even learn from their wins, and hope that they will continue to grow and become great people to positively impact the world.

I need to also realize that I’ve accomplished some huge feats that have made ripples across wherever I was at the time whether high school, UCSB, or the industry I’m currently working in. If I am to sit and try to pinpoint when this insecurity developed was perhaps senior year when I was serving as ASB president and my VP was much better at delegating tasks and handling business than I was. I was pure passion and spirit, but I lacked the ability to lead and support my team members entirely.

It’s probably not likely that that one specific experience is the reason this insecurity manifested and grew over time, but it was a strong one if I could identify it that quick. Feeling inadequate next to someone younger than you, and feeling like you aren’t doing as good as someone who had less years on Earth than you, sucked. Instead of facing my jealousy and doing my best to learn from her and grow with her, I internally ran from it.

I avoided situations where confrontation was involved. I struggled to speak up and voice my concerns. This led to me not embodying leadership in the way I acted. I was passive and scared and I let those feelings take over me, control me, even up to this point at 25 years old. 

There isn’t as much shame that’s around that feeling as there used to be, which I’m happy about. It feels cleansing and healing to sit and write out what I’ve been feeling on and off for a while, and letting myself process it without personal judgement. My insecurities are human and valid, but I want to empower myself and remember the following:

Comparison won’t make me feel better about my situation, so I’ll embrace myself and who I am.

Just as much as I may envy another person, they may be feeling that way about me. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

I am of high value, and I will remember that. I know that I bring plenty of perspectives, valuable opinions, and knowledge to the table

I am a massive asset.

Everyone has a different starting point. The way I win is to do my very best, in my own unique way.

At the end of the day, I’m certain every human has their own uncomfortable secrets they sit with everyday. It’s alright that I have my own and it’s cathartic to let mine go and release it into the air without feeling embarrassment.

This isn’t it for all the thinking. While I transfer my photos, I have more thoughts I’d like to share. One in particular is a thought I’ve been trying to process for a while now.

I don’t know how I’d best navigate someone being annoying to me, because I’m too afraid of hurting their feelings. Okay, this is actually a beast of something to write so bare with me as I try to discuss the intangible.

While on a trip, I was stuck with one other person and this person annoyed the life out of me. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to explode. I wasn’t able to communicate to this person that I was actually fed the fuck up with them and not anyone else, so I made up another reason I was so irritable. But in fact, it was that person that was getting on my nerves.

The amount of yo-yoing cognitive dissonance, fluctuating empathy and remorse I felt through this trip was insane. Something I don’t ever want to experience again in my life. There were times when logically I was able to understand where this person was coming from and how their need to follow me was for their own comfort and safety. But at the same time, I was listening to the other side of my brain that was screaming, “GET A LIFE! WHY CAN’T YOU BE SELF-SUSTAINABLE AND HANDLE YOUR OWN SHIT! FIGURE IT OUT! I AM NOT HERE TO CONSTANTLY HELP YOU!”

I know. How could the Human Sun think something like that? It’s mean, it’s insensitive, it’s bad. I know. But! I won’t judge myself, I want to let myself process and understand where this came from and why it’s happened. 

When I was in high school around my 9th or 10th grade year, I had one friend who had a tendency to follow me around. She definitely admired me, cared for me, and wanted to be my best friend, but for some reason, I wasn’t attracted to the conversations we had or the activities we shared together (not really any). At some point, I couldn’t find the best way to manuver this unrequited friendship, so I distanced myself and later on, she got the hint that I probably wasn’t trying to be best friends. Back then, I was most likely relieved and carried on with my life happily, knowing there didn’t have to be any confrontation or a huge ordeal about it.

In retrospect, that was not the greatest way to solve the issue. It was passive and kind of, if not completely, asshole-y. This time around, it happened at 25 and I sort of took the same route! If this happens again in the future, I want to be mindful of why I feel what I feel and how to combat it kindly and gently. Here are some explorations of my actions in this situation:

I would rather people I’m annoyed at find a problem with me, than me find a problem with them even though I already know I have a problem with them. 

Ok, reading this sentence back - why do I do this? It’s like, subconscious mind games.

Are we all a little manipulative as human beings? I wonder.

I would rather these people not like me than me make it clear and audible that I don’t like their behavior, because I don’t want to hurt them.

Curious to know if this is rooted in my people pleasing tendencies? I’m not sure. It’s interesting. 

I’m learning that we as humans try to find solutions throughout our lives as we’re faced with various kinds of obstacles, and some of them we keep into our adulthood or leave in our childhood based on their effectiveness. Sometimes, we’re aware of them and sometimes, we’re not. 

The power to be aware of my subconscious behavior is helpful, but it’s also difficult when my emotions are fighting against knowing usually what’s right. My mindfulness side of the brain is usually right. It’s calm, centered, aware, and in control. My emotional side tends to lack regulation and allows me to jump into the pool of instant gratification, where I avoid effective communication, confronting my own feelings, and choosing the right path forward for a more productive and healthy life.

I might not have all the answers as to why I act passively, distance myself from others, or even lie when they annoy me. But I'm digging up the clues and I'm determined to improve myself. Here is a little game plan for me in the future so I can be a better person in my relationships with people I find annoying:

Clearly and kindly communicate your needs and boundaries with the people around you. Honestly is important.

Prioritize emotional regulation and empathy at times of peak frustration. Can you let your mindfulness take over and act upon these deeds?

Try to avoid falling into instant gratification and be angry, passive aggressive, or lie. These will only increase your stress as time goes on.

The more productive and effective you are in this situation, which means confronting, addressing, or handling the issue like a boss, the less stress it will put on you and it will allow you to move forward and be in control of your life.

It’s interesting sitting here in the thick of my filmmaking process but still having the time to write out all the internal processes that happen in my head without me really noticing, until I notice it. At the end of the day, I really am a humanny human. 

Oh! One last thing. One mundane thing in my life that I love when I do it is wash my hands. I love washing my hands. I find it a completely meditative, wholesome, clean, wonderful process that I do everyday that I love. Especially when I have good hand soap.

[defiantsuggestions]

"Abuse survivers can feel like they are unlovable"

Me: That's not true, everybody's lovable, especially someone as strong and brave as someone who survived through abuse

Also me: Well, with the exception of me, the ultimate unlovable burden

Oof, that is an entire mood and I know how you feel. It sucks.

Or a similar thing; other people can make mistakes! Mistakes are a learning experience, not a reflection of morality. Just accept that you made the mistake and move on~~~

But when I make a mistake I am trash who will never be good at anything.

I feel like, and I'm not a professional so take this with a grain of salt, a big part of why this mindset can happen is because as a victim in an abusive situation, we are trained to be peace keepers.

So when an abuser does something wrong, we must forgive instantly or else they will throw an entire fit over being called out. If we do something wrong on the other hand, we are punished severely. We develop an intense hatred of our own mistakes due to the harshly negative consequences they bring.

It's also just easier, in a lot of cases, to feel compassion for others over oneself. Tasks that I do for me are significantly harder than if I do those same tasks for someone else.

One of the things I'm trying to teach myself in regard to this mindset is that; regardless of what my brain is telling me, I am objectively important, and I have an obligation to myself.

"You are important" is more than an uplifting affirmation of worth, it is a responsibility. I must care for myself, and if I can't do it for my own sake, I should do it instead for the people around me.

My friends don't want me in a destructive spiral. Other victims might benefit from me sharing my experience and advice. My future pets need a parent. I have worth, I impact others, I don't exist in a vaccum.

Whether I can make myself feel it or not, I am still important, and I need to act like it. I need to treat myself like I am important.

And yeah, it's hard. I struggle doing it, especially when my emotions are running high, but I am trying, and that's the first step. It's like a muscle, it will get stronger over time, even if right now I don't feel like I'm making progress.

And it's not bad to be some level of burden on someone else. Humans are a social species, we benefit from relying on each other and helping each other out of bad situations. Just as much as you may rely on someone else, someone else may also rely on you. We are not meant to be isolated and alone, we are a pack.

Anyway, you are just as worthy of love as everyone else, anon. I know it's hard to fight, but please try to remember that your brain is lying when it calls you unlovable. You are worthy of love, you always have been, and it's awful that you were taught otherwise.

You are trying, and I am proud of you. Please keep trying.

[bondsmagii]

Keeping up a farce friendship with someone who abuses me because they would significantly harm and emotionally blackmail me if I left.... I entrusted them with deep personal trauma and its now ammo against me. its hell.

I'm gonna be blunt with you here: if they're in a position to physically harm you, then tread carefully and seek whatever protection you can find before making a move to get yourself out of there. however, if the harm they can do to you is emotional or psychological, get out of there. I know it'll be tough, and I know it'll suck, and I know it'll hurt, but trust me when I say you can weather it through and the benefits of being away from them will soon outweigh the emotional toll their behaviour will take on you.

abusers are cowards. the very first thing you need to understand about abusers is that they're weak and they're cowardly. unfortunately some abusers deal with this by straight-up physically attacking those weaker than them, but when it comes to emotional shit, they're helpless. all they can do is play their stupid little games in the hope that you'll see it as more convenient to continue humouring them. if you finally have enough, watch how quickly they lose control of the situation and fuck off. yeah, they'll tell everyone they meet that you were the abuser, but who cares? you'll be out of that situation, you know your own truth, your own friends will know the truth, and trust me when I say that everyone who believes the lie will also soon find out the truth.

I'm speaking from experience here. when I broke up with an abusive ex-boyfriend of mine, he went to our friend group and told them that I was the abuser, that I'd been abusing him for the whole time, that I was doing all kinds of fucked up shit -- he spread really malicious lies about me, all creepishly sexual in nature, probably as punishment for the fact I refused to sleep with him (I'm not into that shit). I lost pretty much all of my friends and was a pariah for years. as recently as a couple of years ago, he was apparently still sending people to "check up" on me. but you know what? it did not matter. aside from a few minor annoyances, it has not impacted my life. all of his best efforts to hurt me succeeded in minorly annoying me a few times, and then becoming nothing more than a running joke in a few Discord servers I'm in.

as for emotional blackmail? I cut off an abusive friend once who insisted she would kill herself if I left. she went as far as to self-harm and send me pictures to try and guilt me into staying online with her. I still told her where to go, and to this day she's alive and seems to be doing quite well. we were not good for one another, and one of us had to put our foot down. she did not kill herself, and she never had any intention of doing so. it was a panic response to her loss of control over me.

abusers pick easy targets. that's not to say it's your fault and you're allowing it to happen, but they pick people who don't fight back. when you do fight back, people like this throw a tantrum for a few months and they they find a new victim and focus on them instead. you become a footnote. if you weather the initial unpleasantness, you'd be surprised at how quickly they become completely insignificant to you. you have already survived the terrible things you confided in them; they are in the past, and they have no more power over you just because your abuser is spitting reminders at you. block them, cut them off, get out of there, and rest assured that no matter how rocky the road might briefly get, you can weather through it and it will be worth every moment. trust me. I've done it twice.

[the-sympathetic-villain]

The Stowaway’s Heart - Chapter 6

AO3 | First | Previous | Next | Masterpost

Description:  Virgil is rescued by selkies after being abandoned at sea and brought back to their pod to recover. Virgil’s poor, gay heart may just explode from how attractive they all are.

Word Count: 6214

Chapter Warnings: Anxiety, Play fighting, Sexual innuendo, copious amounts of romance/flirting, kissing, mentions of past abandonment/abuse, Brief anger/lashing out, Scars (Let me know if I need to add anything!)

-

    “You’re sure?”

    “Love, I feel the need to point out that this is the twelfth time you’ve inquired on this subject.” Virgil could hear the subtle teasing in Logan's tone as he continued to reassure him. “Given the consistency of my responses, most people would conclude it is highly improbable that my answer has changed.”

     Virgil turned his head,  smiling sheepishly, as he glanced over his shoulder at Logan, keeping his hands on the bars where he’d been staring out into the dark tunnels. Almost immediately after turning his head, he felt his anxiety melt away as he took in the sight of his soulmates curled up on the bed together. Remus curled around Logan’s back. His arm wrapped tightly around Logan’s waist and his face was buried up against the back of Logan's head, features obscured by Logan’s disheveled hair. Virgil couldn't resist a shy smile as Logan smirked up at him from where he was tucked underneath Remus' arm.

    He blushed, tucking his hands timidly behind his back as he slowly turned toward Logan. “Just once more, Lo.”

    Logan rolled his eyes with a dramatic sigh. His eyes sparkled as he recited the same lecture he'd given Virgil a dozen times at this point. “I am certain you are ready to meet Janus, Virgil. The last few days has provided satisfactory proof that you are more than capable of handling Remus’ and my pelts.”

    Virgil nodded, dropping his gaze as he attempted to control his nervous breathing. What-if's and worst-case scenarios played through his head as he leaned back against the bars.

     “Dearest, our pelts should cause the most intense emotional impact for you to hold because of our soul connections. Roman and Patton’s pelts would be similar to one of ours but with significantly less overstimulation.”

    Virgil leaned against the bars, shifting his feet as he felt a pit form in his stomach  “But this guy's pelt is different, right? What if I can't—”

    “Janus’ pelt does not have the same effect as the rest of us but I assure you there is no risk of you being overwhelmed by his pelt.” Logan  exhaled slowly, patiently looking up at him as Remus snored into his hair. “I promise you will be okay, Virgil.”

    “Sorry, Lo.” A smile tugged at Virgil’s lips as he tucked his chin to his chest, hoping to hide the redness in his cheeks. “I know you've told me this a thousand times already, but I hate waiting. I just want to get this over with.”

    “Some nervousness is to be expected, love.” Logan whispered, his tone soft and comforting. “You are submitting yourself to the judgment of an unknown party. That in itself is an intimidating prospect but the process is not as intrusive as you are imagining.”

    Virgil looked up at him, biting his lip. “How do you know?”

       “Janus has done readings for all of our podmates at some point or another throughout our lives. Honestly, the experience can be pleasantly enlightening ” Logan paused, his eyes hovering closed for a moment as he shifted closer to Remus. “and certainly nothing worth distressing yourself over.

    “Are you sure—” Virgil nearly bit his tongue as Logan shot open and he raised an eyebrow at Virgil. Something in Logan’s gaze sent chills up his spine and he knew he was in trouble. “I'm sorry, Lo. I didn’t mean it—”

    He could handled Logan being irritated at his continual need for reassurance, but to Virgil’s dismay, his mouth curled into a mischievous smile sending nervousness coursing through his body as Remus shifted behind him.

    “Leave me alone, Lolo.” Remus slurred his words sleepily, his voice muffled gently by Logan’s hair. “I'm sleepin'.”

    “Re,” Logan whispered, just loud enough for Virgil to hear. He kept his eyes fixed on Virgil. A smile spread wide across his face as he gently nudged Remus awake. “Virgil’s feeling nervous about meeting Jan.”

     Virgil sucked in a breath as Remus'  green eyes peeked over Logan's shoulder with a dangerous glimmer. Chaos sparkled in Remus’ eyes as he released an exaggerated sigh, lifting his head up to cradle in the nook of Logan’s shoulder. Remus smiled at up a Virgil with an innocent flutter of his eyelashes. “Jan is going to shred you into tiny strips and feed you to the fishes as his uses your bones to pick his teeth—"

    “Re,” Logan warned with a gentle teasing in his voice, smiling as Virgil’s mouth dropped in terror. “I did not wake you so that you would terrorize him.”

     “Liar,” Remus nipped lightly at Logan’s neck, holding his waist so he couldn’t escape from Remus grip. He snarled playfully into Logan’s ear and Logan let out a breathless whine. “You knew exactly what you were doing.”

    Virgil relaxed for a moment as he watched Logan giggle as he squirmed in Remus' arms. He took a breath, letting his gaze fall from his soulmates as worry crept back into his mind. Subtle worries replayed in his mind until he noticed the room had fallen silent. When he turned his head up, his muscles tensed. Logan paused mid-whisper into Remus' ear and turned back to Virgil.  A devious smile curled on Remus' lips as he whispered into Logan’s ear loud enough for Virgil to hear. “Good idea, Lolo.”

    Already on edge, Virgil stumbled back, nearly slipping backward as Remus nimbly hopped up off the bed and scurried toward him. He gave an undignified squeak as Remus swept him off his feet and carried him bridal style over to the bed. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Logan push himself up, leaning back against the wall with a hungry look in his eyes as they approached him. Virgil reached up to wrap his arms around Remus' neck but before he could latch on, a shriek escaped him as Remus gave him a swing and he flew less than gracefully through the air, landing between Logan’s legs. Logan's arms wrapped around his shoulders with a iron and Remus collapsed below them curling himself around Virgil’s legs and resting his head on Virgil’s stomach.

    “What are you doing?” Virgil whined, burning red as his voice cracked. His breath caught in his throat as his skin tingled happily. He barely contained his smile, feigning a disgruntled whimper as his soulmates’ warmth surrounded him.

    “Distracting you, love." Logan whispered, breathing softly into Virgil’s ear. Virgil cooed as Logan's lips brushed his neck and his breath became shallow. “You have nothing to worry about, my dear.”

    “Nah,” Remus purred, closing his eyes and curling comfortably onto Virgil’s lap. Virgil closed his eyes, sighing breathlessly as Remus' subtle movements brushed against his skin. “Janus is a catty bastard but he doesn’t got it in him to actually hurt anyone.

    “What if I say something wrong?’ Virgil muttered helplessly, closing his eyes as the feelings consumed him.

    “There are no wrong answers. This is not a test.” Logan reassured him. “Janus' reading will simply tell him about who you are and show you details about what lies in your future. It will not change the fact that you are staying here with us.”

    “What's the point then?” Virgil breathed slowly, looking up at Logan. “Why do I have to do this before I leave?”

    “Jannie just likes to know everyone’s dirty, little secrets, but don't worry.” Remus chuckled and looked up at Virgil  with a wink. “He's not a kiss-and-tell kind of guy.”

    “Secrets—” Virgil asked breathlessly before another wave of shock settled over him, tensing in Logan’s arms as he frantically leaned forward to look at Remus. “Wait—what do you mean kiss,  Re?!”

    “Relax, love.” Logan chuckled quietly. His grip tightened around Virgil and he rested his chin on Virgil’s shoulder. “No one is kissing you but me.”

    “—and me.” Remus waved his free arm up at them lazily so that Virgil had to lean away to avoid Remus smacking him repeatedly in the face. Virgil groaned but he couldn’t resist smiling as Remus curled himself tighter around his legs.

    “Do you feel better, love?” Logan whispered, holding him closer aa he ran his fingers through Virgil’s hair.

    “Yeah, Lo.” Virgil breathed loudly, tapping his fingers happily on his legs as his skin tingled at his soulmates’ touch. “I feel better.”

    “Good,” Remus whispered, closing his eyes. “No more worrying.”

    Virgil hummed, leaning into Logan's shoulder. “When is he coming, Lo?”

     “Soon enough,” Logan whispered. “but I cannot say for certain. I can't mentally nudge him or Roman like I can Remus.”

    “Why not?” Virgil muttered tiredly, closing his eyes.

    Logan chuckled. “Because Janus isn't my soulmate, Virgil.”

    Virgil blinked, turning up to Logan. “Does that mean you can do that to me, Lo?”

    Logan nodded slowly on his shoulder.

    “Huh,” Virgil breathed, deep in thought. “Why haven't you?”

    “It was never necessary—”

    “—and it feels real funny the first time.” Remus muttered. “Like you got worms in your brain.”

    Virgil felt Logan smile against his neck as he giggled. “That is also a significant concern when you are unaware of what to expect.”

    Virgil smiled, stretching his muscles as his soulmates settled in closer.

    “Listen, Virgil.” Logan paused and Virgil could feel him breathe next to his ear. “There are some things about Janus we should discuss before you actually meet him.”

    Virgil looked up and Logan smiled sadly down at him. He stared up at Logan for a long moment before Remus sigh pulled him from his thoughts. Virgil looked down as Remus sat up and turned to face them. Virgil found himself staring at Remus' serious expression. He leaned forward, pulling himself out from where he sat between Logan’s legs. Moving to sit between his soulmates, he looked between their weary expressions.

    “What kind of things?” Virgil started nervously.

    “Jan's a bit different than the rest of us.” Remus smiled weakly. “He's a precious bugger and we love the shit out of him, but he had bit of a rough patch of luck before he ended up stuck with us.”

    “You see,” Logan paused until Virgil turned back to him. “though we are all selkies, there are subtle differences between us based on our kindred seal species." Logan gestured to Remus. “For instance, brown fur seals are vocal, social creatures that tend be brazen in face of danger. Therefore, Remus and Roman take on an exaggerated form of those traits. It's a feeling you’ve likely noticed as you held his pelt.”

    Virgil nodded, looking cautiously at Remus as he processed Logan’s words.

    Logan smiled. “Spotted seals, like myself and Patton tend to be inquisitive, quick-learning and attentive to each other. Therefore, Patton and I act in a similar fashion and my pelt resonates with mental clarity and compassion.”

    “Okay.” Virgil looked between them, contemplating their words. “That all makes sense so far, but how’s Janus different?”

    “Janus' kindred are harp seals, which for the most part are similar to a spotted seal like Patton and I, except perhaps less inquisitive and more compassionate.” Logan paused. “Janus is unique for more than just being the only of his species in our pod though.”

    “How?” Virgil pressed.

    “Selkies are like magical creatures, right?” Remus gestured dramatically. “Well, some of us are born packing a little extra juice. Gives us extra abilities and Janus was unfortunate enough to landed with two of the damn things.”

    “Unfortunate?” Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Isn't extra power a good thing?”

    “We think so and that's why Janus lives with us,” Logan smiled at him. “Despite their docile nature, selkies are not great at handling those who are different, especially when it's one of their own.”

    “You’re talking like you aren’t one, Lo.” Virgil stared at him, taken aback by the sudden edge in Logan’s tone.

    “Sometimes, I am less than proud of my heritage, love.” Logan muttered and the bitterness in his voice unsettled him. He opened his mouth to speak but Remus cut him off before he got the chance.

    “Listen, most pods have dozens of members, but Jannie's is the last of our little patchwork family for you to meet.” Remus hummed, looking up at Virgil. “The four of us were forced out of our pods by shit far out of our control. Shitty situations all around and Jan just happened to get it worse than, uh…” Remus paused, glancing up at Logan. “well, worse than most of the rest of us anyway.”

    Virgil quickly glanced at Logan beside him, noticing his demeanor had changed. Suddenly, Virgil could see tension in his shoulders and his usually bright expression had dulled. He hesitated, slowly tearing his eyes from Logan as he looked back to Remus. “Why were you guys—”

    “The reason why is irrelevant.” Logan cut him off dryly. His face curled into a snarl as he dropped his head to his chest, running his finger through his hair.

    Virgil flinched at Logan’s tone, immediately regretting his question. “I'm sorry. You’re right—I shouldn’t have—”

    “Hey now. Don't get all flustered on us now.” Remus purred with a reassuring wink. “It's cute and all, but it’s not necessary. That’s a natural question to ask,” Remus put a hand gently on Logan’s leg. “but Lolo’s right. That's a story for another day.”

    Virgil watched as Logan lifted his head and smiled at Remus with tired smile. He slowly slid his hand over, curling his fingers around Remus'. The subtle adoration in Logan’s eyes as he looked to Remus warmed Virgil's heart, but nearly as quickly as it had come, it faded away. Virgil frowned as Logan looked away, distant as he lost himself in his thoughts again.

    He turned an uneasy glance at Remus and he could tell Remus had noticed the same regression in Logan’s mood. Remus cast a sympathetic smile at Virgil noticing his concern before his mustache curled into devious smile. Virgil blinked briefly in confusion. His mouth hung agape as Remus winked at him, tightening his grip on Logan’s hand. Logan glanced up briefly in confusion before used Logan’s tight grip to leverage his weight to lunge himself across Virgil’s lap towards Logan. Virgil ducked and Logan let out an undignified squeak of shock as Remus tipped him back onto the bed. Virgil smiled, crossing his arms over his knees as he watched Logan blush. Logan relaxed as Remus perched on top of him, straddling his chest and pinning his arms to his sides.

    “Let me go, Re—” Logan muttered breathlessly as he squirmed under Remus' weight. His face reddened and a smile spread across his face as Remus pecked kisses into his neck. “Your mustache tickles—”

    “No. Kisses now.” Remus muttered petulantly and Logan whined pitifully as Remus' deep growl tickled his neck. He nuzzled into Logan’s hair, gently kissing Logan under his ear. “Where are you, Lolo?”

     “Here with you, Re.” Logan whispered and Virgil’s heart fluttered as Logan relaxed into his bed with a blissful smile.

    Remus leaned down and kissed Logan’s forehead hovering just above Logan’s face. “Love you, Lolo.”

    “Love you too, Re.” Logan whispered breathlessly. His face was flushed red and his hair disheveled as finally Remus pulled him upright.

    Remus slid off him, plopping himself ungracefully between Logan and Virgil. He beamed down at Logan as the satisfied selkie curled under his arm and wrapped his arm Remus’ waist.

    Virgil leaned into the wall. His heart filled with warmth as he watched his soulmates cuddle together. He chewed his lip and butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he watched Logan starry-eyed look as he stared up at Remus. Remus gently kissed the top of Logan’s head and Virgil was jolted from his thoughts as Remus turned his head ip to him. Virgil felt his heart stutter as he realized he’d been staring. His cheeks burned as he looked away. “I'm sorry—I didn’t mean to—”

    “Shut up and come over here.” Remus chuckled and extended a hand to Virgil, gesturing for him to join them.

    “Are you s-sure?” Virgil stuttered as he hesitated, biting his lip. “I-I can just watch.”

     “Kinky,” Remus giggled as the red in Virgil’s cheeks deepened and he pulled his hood over his head, realizing what he'd said. “but, no. Come here.”

    Virgil tilted his head up, peeking his eyes up nervously under the hood. Remus held opened his arm up to him again and Virgil timidly shifted closer until Remus' arm wrapped around him. Shivering at his touch, Virgil slowly relaxed into Remus’ chest.

    “Lolo needs a little help getting out of his head sometimes,” Remus sighed. “but I don’t want you to get the idea in your head that we're ignoring you—”

    Virgil looked up as Remus paused.

    “I know I'm exactly up to snuff for most people's taste. Roman and Lolo have had to put up with me since we were kids and I even think a few years with me has worn Jannie down to where he tolerates me—" Remus crooked grin beamed down at Virgil.

    “Re, Janus loves you.” Logan pecked a kiss on Remus' cheek. “As do Roman and I.”

    Virgil sensed a moment of hesitation in Remus' expression before he smiled down at Logan. “Right, Lolo. I know, but I've got a reputation to uphold."

    Remus winked down at him and Virgil melted at the soft, adoring look in his eyes as he looked down at Logan. Virgil’s skin tingled as Remus turned his sparkling green eyes back down to him.

    Damn.

    Virgil bit his lip. He felt butterflies in his stomach and he stared up at him in awe, suddenly glad his hood partially obscured his face.

    “Anyway, I get that my energy’s a turn-off for most people—"

    “What?” Virgil looked up in surprise. The shadows from his hood cast dark circles under his eyes.

    “I mean, I know I’m a hottie and all, but I get it if I'm not what you were expecting after someone as wonderful as Lolo—”

    Virgil watched, entranced by the apprehensive look on Remus’ face. His cheeks were dusted red and the corner of his mustache twitched into a frown. This was beyond what Virgil could fathom.

    He's anxious about…me?

    About me…not liking him?

    “Re, stop—" Logan’s arm tightened around Remus.

    “Lolo, it's okay. Virgil—”

    The end of Remus sentence was cut off as Virgil leaned over him and reached around the back of his head. Remus tensed for a moment as Virgil slowly leaned closer and pressed his lips gently on Remus'. Virgil grasped a handful of the man's shirt in his hand as Remus’ arm tightened around his waist. He felt his hood slip to his shoulder as the kiss lingered and they tasted each other’s breath. A quiet moment passed before Virgil slowly opened his eyes, freezing as he noticed the knowing smirk on Remus' face.

    Remus cooed with a teasing grin as he leaned closer. “You kiss like a French boy—”

    Virgil groaned, peeling away from Remus. He moved to pull his hood back over his head as his embarrassment flooded his face. “Shut up—"

    Remus chuckled with an teasing grin, gently reaching up to stop him from covering his face. “If that's what you wanted, you should have kept your tongue in my mou—”

    “Logan—" Virgil moaned, burying his head into Remus’ shoulder. “Help me—"

    “Oh, love.” Virgil’s breath caught his throat at the chill in Logan's voice as he slipped out of Remus' grip and allowed Remus to focus his energy on Virgil. I think it would be unwise for me to allow you to become dependent on me to save you.”

    “What?” Virgil muttered breathlessly as Remus nuzzled his neck. He bit his lip stifling a giggle as Remus’ face tickled his neck, not wanting to give Remus the satisfaction of tormenting him.

    “The best way for you to learn the error of your ways is to force you to deal with your own mistakes.” Logan smiled coyly at him as he squirmed in Remus’ grip. “I do believe the proper phrase is, ‘You got yourself into this mess. You can get yourself out.”

    Virgil pouted, allowing Remus to wrap around his shoulders and pull him back to Logan until Remus gently tipped him back so he lay on Remus' lap looking up at his soulmates. Still pouting, he glared up at Logan. “Traitor.”

    Logan chuckled as he reached down to run his fingers through Virgil’s hair. “Fortunately, dear one, luck seems to be on your side this time. Roman and Janus will be here any moment and we need to get back to the matter at hand before they arrive.”

    Remus grumbled. “Way to kill the mood, Lolo. I could do without listening to Jan’s tragic origin story again.”

    “So could I, Re,” Logan muttered with a frown as he wrapped an arm around Remus’ waist. “but Virgil needs to know what to expect when Janus arrives.”

    “I don't handle people hurting my friends well.” Virgil could feel Remus' voice rumble in his chest above him. There was an edge in Remus' voice that sent a shiver down his spine and he couldn't help tensing at the anger in Remus' eyes. “If I ever find those bastards, I'll personally coat them in fish bait and string them up in the water and let the fish peel their skin away layer by layer until—”

    “Re,” Logan whispered patiently, running his fingers through Remus' hair. “as much as I support your inclination to violence regarding Janus' supposed family, we are running out of time.”

    “Fine.” Remus muttered his reply, slumping into Logan's shoulder with a grunt.

   “Good,” Logan looked down at Virgil. “Love, when a selkie transitions out of childhood, their pelt undergoes both physical and magical changes as they prepare for adulthood. From what I understand, it is relatable to the process of puberty in humans, though from my understanding, the process seems significantly less distressing for selkies. Does that make sense?”

     Virgil looked to Remus' disgruntled expression before nodding and allowing Logan to continue. “For brown fur seals like Roman and Remus, it's merely a texture change, but for me, my pelt changed from a bright white color to the spotted pelt you see now. Likewise, when Patton gets older, his white coat will likely do the same.”

    Virgil nodded uncertainly when Logan looked at him for affirmation.

    “When Janus was younger, his pelt should have changed the same way,” Logan paused and Virgil could see a sad look in his eyes. “but it didn't.”

    Virgil blinked, confused. “So what?”

    “When a selkie’s pelt doesn’t change, they’re marked as an oracle, Virgil. He sees and knows things that we are unable to perceive.” Logan paused. “To be honest, he is quite a powerful ally.”

    “Wow—He can see stuff things that aren’t there? How's that work—” Virgil tapped his hand excitedly until the sad smile on Logan’s face gave him pause. He looked to Remus’ serious expression before looking back to Logan “Wait—why's that a bad thing?”

    “Selkies don't like it when one of their own suddenly doesn’t mix,” Remus whispered bitterly.

    “They isolated him, Virgil.” Logan muttered. “They told him he needed space to develop his skills, but they were simply afraid of him.”

    “Which is fuck—”

    “Re—”

    “—Stupid.” Remus spat, giving Logan a dirty look. “Janus is as harmless as a newborn pup.”

     Logan sighed, looking down at Virgil. “He sees things that no one else does. They found his unpredictable movements to be unsettling—”

    “Wait—” Virgil interrupted Logan’s explanation. “Remus said there were two things that were weird about this guy. What's the other thing?”

    “Right.” Logan paused, looking almost surprised he'd forgotten. “Well, much like the effect of my pelt has a slightly different effect than Remus’, Janus’ pelt is also unique. Unlike ours though it is not based on his kindred species, but rather a recessive trait that only appears only once every few generations even in a pod at normal capacity.”

    “Which is what?” Virgil watched Logan grow nervous, nearly covering his mouth with his hand as he tensed.

    “I am realizing I probably should have led with this topic, but you’ll recall I said I wasn’t worried about you being tempted by holding Janus’ pelt.” Logan ran his finger through his hair as Virgil nodded cautiously. “The reason for that assumption is that his pelt does not allow you to control him, but rather will have the effect of making you more…complacent.”

    “What?” Virgil’s mouth dropped.

    “The power of his pelt lowers the effect of your natural inhibitions and makes you more prone to suggestion—”

     “You’re planning on leaving me alone with him and just letting him brainwash me?” Virgil sputtered, pulling away from Remus and Logan and hopping off the bed. He stumbled off the bed spinning on them as he slowly backed into the bars. For the first time since he'd first woken up in this cell, he felt trapped.

    “No, love.” Logan pleaded, standing up. “The actual practice is more akin to hypnosis than—"

    “That's not better—” Virgil waved him away, leaning against the bars. “Do I even get a choice?”

    “Virgil, his methods are not about control. He simply opens up your psyche to being read—”

    “Sure. You’re calling it a reading like you don't mean he’s just going to force me to spill all of my secrets and then do whatever else he wants to me—”

    “It's not like that.” Virgil tore his gaze from Logan and settled bitterly on Remus, but the kindness in Remus' eyes gave Virgil pause. “Listen, Jan will know some of your dirty, little secrets just by looking at you, and we can't do anything about that, but he can't loosen your lips. Not to mention, Janus likes to get freaky but control's not really his kink.”

    Logan sighed, rolling his eyes at Remus before looking over at Virgil. “His pelt lowers your inhibitions, but your survival instincts will take over if he pries deeper than you are truly comfortable with and you can always stop. No one here will force you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

   Virgil looked to Logan. “He can’t force me to do anything?”

    “No, love. If you were already considering saying or doing something, his pelt may influence you to act,” Logan smiled patiently. “but you won't say or do anything you would be adamant about not saying or doing otherwise.”

     “And I can stop?”

    “Anytime,” Logan nodded with a subtle smile. “and for any reason at all.”

     Virgil swallowed nervously. “What if he doesn't let me?”

    “He will,” Remus jumped up off the bed toward him, stopping just a few feet away from him. He extended a hand to Virgil. “but if he gives you any trouble or pressures you, you focus on needing help. We got that weird mental thing, right? If you need help, Lolo and I will be there right when you need us.”

     “Okay.” Virgil stared at him for a moment before relaxing. “Okay. I'm sorry.”

     Logan crossed his arms as his brow furrowed. “Why are you apologizing?”

    Biting his lip, Virgil was quiet. He stared down at the ground. “Because I freaked out—"

    “Your reaction was justified given what you expected to happen,” Logan paused watching as Virgil took Remus' hand and allowed him to bring him back. He looked down at Virgil with a serious expression as they approached. “I am glad we were able to rectify your understanding of the situation before you met with Janus, and perhaps, you will now understand better why Janus' pod was uncomfortable with his presence.”

    Virgil bit his lip guiltily. “I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to judge him.”

    “Do not apologize, love.” Logan’s expression softened and he smiled patiently as Virgil hung his head, rubbing his shoulder nervously. Logan put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder reassuringly. “Even Janus recognizes his power is intimidating. What matters most is that you try not to allow it to color your perception of him. He can be intimidating but he is a good person, Virgil.”

    Virgil nodded absently. He felt Logan’s hand drop off his shoulder as Remus pulled him into the bed and he inhaled deeply as Logan dropped down next to him. His soulmates’ wrapped their arms around his chest and his anxiety began to settle in his stomach as their gentle touches grounded him.

     “What did they do to him?”

     “Isn't it obvious?”

     A chill ran up Virgil’s spine as a deep, sinister voice resonated through the room. He shrank in between his soulmates, who both suddenly looked guilty.

     “They put with me until they could barely stomach to look at me,” Virgil heard a hiss as the unknown figure inhaled sharply. “and then they slashed my face open so I'd be shark bait if I tried to follow them or hunt for myself and then they left me for dead.”

    “Janus—"

    “Logan—” The figure interrupted him abruptly. “—if this door isn't open in the next—”

     “Of course, Jan! One second—” Logan scrambled off the bed toward the door and for the first time, Virgil caught a glimpse of the mysterious man as he curled into Remus’ arms. He barely managed to stifle a surprised gasp as he peeked over the edge of his cloak.

    The fluffy, white fur draped nearly to the slender figure’s knees. He was dressed in simple black pants and a black, silk shirt. But despite the man's elegant dress, Virgil eyes were drawn to the scars on the right side of the man's face.

    The deep cut started right at his hairline and snaked across his eye to curl under his jaw. Virgil sucked in a breath. Even in the dim light, the scar shimmered like it had been inlaid with veins of gold. Virgil’s gaze drifted up the golden scar until he locked eyes with the stranger snarling down at them. He shivered as the stranger's amber eyes locked onto him and he curled nervously into Remus' chest.

    Fortunately, his attention didn’t linger on Virgil for long. He quickly turned away as Logan pushed open the door. Logan immediately stepped out of his way, hanging his head as Janus turned to slink past him into the room. Virgil couldn’t help but stare up at the man as he came to loom over him. He was breathtaking, despite the way his gaze sent shivers through Virgil’s body whenever he managed to catch his eye.

    “Leave the door open."

    Virgil watched Logan hesitate in the door way. “But Roman—”

    “This guy's either leaving here after I'm done with him,” Virgil pulled his hood over his head as the man stared down at Remus with a wicked grin as Remus puffed up over Virgil defensively. “or he's going to escape right into your brother’s arms and Roman’s going to snap his pretty, little neck before he gets halfway down the corridor.”

     “No one is laying a finger on him—” Remus started to hiss, curling his arm around Virgil.

      “Scram,” The stranger ordered menacingly, glancing over his shoulder at Logan. “Both of you.”

     “Jan—” Remus prodded.

     “I don’t believe I stuttered, Remus.” The stranger growled and stared Remus down until he slunk off the bed toward Logan. “Go help your brother keep track of Patton. Between the three of you, maybe you can manage not to lose him.”

    Crap.

    Virgil sucked in a breath, suddenly exposed and feeling at the mercy of the man looming over him. Logan seemed to notice his discomfort, and stepped forward.

    “Janus—”

    “I said go.”

    Remus stepped forward taking Logan's hand to guide him to the door. “It's all good, Virgie. Jan's bark is worse than his bite—”

     A deep, guttural growl emanated from Janus' throat as he snapped. “Leave. Now—”

    Virgil flinched as the man snapped and watched nervously as his soulmates shrieked and fled the room. His breath caught in his throat and he shrank back, tears welling in his eyes as the man’s gaze turned back on him.

    “Please—” Virgil whimpered, burying his head in his knees. “Don’t hurt me—"

     “Hey, now.” Virgil flinched as a hand brushed against his cheek. He felt the bed shift as the man sat on the bed next to him. “There’s no need for any of that nonsense.”

     The gentle touch returned and Virgil relented, allowing the stranger to tilt his head up to look at him. Virgil blinked up at him in disbelief.

     Shit.

     The beautiful stranger smiled softly down at him. All malice was gone from his eyes and Virgil couldn't help but stare as the stranger’s scar sparkled in the flickering light. He shivered nervously as Janus fingertips brushed his jaw.  The strange man's hand drifted up his jaw, pulling his hood down off his head.

     “That's better. Isn't it, Virgil?”

     Virgil shuddered as Janus spoke his name and he watched anxiously as the stranger’s hand dropped away from his face. His eyes darted across the stranger’s friendly face, trying to explain the sudden change in his behavior.

     Janus let out a subtle,  dramatic sigh and turned his sparkling, white smile to Virgil. “You have nothing to fear from me. I'm not upset with you. Just the dimwits who shared certain details of my life without my consent.”

     “Th-they d-did it to—” Virgil pressed his back against the wall as he shuddered.

      “They want to prepare you for seeing me,” Janus supplied bitterly. “I understood what they were doing, but regardless of their intentions, that doesn’t mean they had the right to share that information.”

     “I’m s-sorry. I-I didn’t know—"

     “Hush now. I know this isn’t your fault.” Virgil looked up to Janus' soft smile. He watched nervously as the man slowly slid onto the bed next to him. Virgil flinched, anxiously tugging at his sleeve as he avoided the man’s gaze. “I apologize for scaring you. I intended to do nothing more than scare our mutual friends into being more considerate of their actions in the future.”

    “A-and me?” Virgil stuttered nervously.

    “Nothing will happen to you, Virgil.” The stranger smiled as he lay a hand on Virgil’s back, guiding him off the bed. “We will finish your reading and get you out of this sad, little hole for good.”

    “B-but Roman—” Virgil allowed himself to be stood up and he absently  followed Janus across the room.

    “—won't actually snap your neck.” Janus’ hand drifted over Virgil’s neck as he gently guided him to sit at the desk at the end of the bed. “Roman has a delicate constitution. He cannot stomach killing, even if he'd like you to believe otherwise.”

     “I—” Virgil felt a strange calm settle over him as the stranger smiled warmly at him. He dropped his head numbly, staring down at the desk in front of him.

     “You’re leaving here safely tonight.” Janus lowered himself on the bed next to Virgil, staring at him with an earnest look in his eyes. “I give you my word.”

    “Thank you.” He felt himself relax staring at the shimmering man in front of him.

    “You’re very welcome, Virgil.” Janus sighed and a tiny smile twitched at the corner of his lips as he watched Virgil closely. “I'm sorry that I scared you.”

    Virgil shrugged. “You didn't know how I was feeling.”

    Janus blinked. Virgil looked up as his amber eyes sparkled in the dim light. He noticed that Janus seemed to be watching something over his head. After a moment, Janus seemed to notice him watching and he smiled. “I should have known. I would have if I'd been paying better attention.”

    “You really see things that aren’t there, don't you?” Virgil looked at him tiredly.

    “Yes, I do,” Janus watched him warily. “Does that scare you?”

     “No.” Virgil sighed. “Why would I be?”

     “Many people find it unsettling to be in the midst of forces they cannot see or touch.” Janus whispered and Virgil sensed a touch of pain behind his words.

     “I, uh—” Virgil crossed his arms, tilting his head up to Janus. “I think it's nice. It's cool to know there's more out there.”

     “I do too," Janus smiled. “and it's actually quite beautiful.”

     Virgil smiled, fiddling with his hands nervously. “I'd like to hear more about it sometime.”

    “Certainly. I would be happy to share with you,” Janus smiled patiently. “but we should probably start, if you’re ready.”

    Virgil eyed him cautiously but nodded slowly.

     “Before we do your reading though, I believe we should address what's on your mind.” Janus prodded gently, gauging Virgil’s reaction. “Don’t you?”

    Virgil’s eyes darted up at Janus as he continued to hang his head nervously. He sighed, dropping his shoulders as he nodded complacently.

     “Very well.”

     Virgil cautiously looked up as Janus took his hand. His eyes shifted guiltily as Janus stared at him with concern in his eyes. Virgil dropped his gaze to the ground, biting his lip as he felt it tremble.

     “Who's trying to kill you, Virgil?”

-

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The Stowaway’s Heart

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[deancas-fanfiction]

Hardest Part is Letting Go

Part 2/7

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel

Fic Summary: Upon his diagnosis of a terminal illness, Dean vows to spend the rest of his short life with Cas by his side, completing his bucket list while learning what it really means to live and love.

Chapter Summary: Dean and Cas cross another item off Dean's bucket list. Shameless smut ensues.

Part 1

available on ao3

Days quickly turned into weeks as Dean and Cas continued to spend every day together. Some days that would stay in and watch old movies together and some days they would venture out into the city, needing a change of scenery. It was the end of September and quickly becoming bitterly cold. Earlier that day they drove into Lawrence to grab coffee from the quaint coffee shop where they had their first date.

They sipped their coffees by the large stone fireplace in the corner, reminiscing over a shared piece of coffee cake. It was nearly five years to the date that they started dating and it seemed a fitting way to celebrate. Dean still remembers exactly how he felt when he arrived and saw Cas through the large bay window. He arrived early and was sipping on a latte which left a little bit of foam on his upper lip. Dean grinned at that and his nerves were quickly replaced with complete adoration.

Dean and Cas first met freshman year of college. It was during welcome week at a forced mixer for all freshmen in their dorm. Dean was sipping on the sickly-sweet punch that was in desperate need of some whiskey to level it out when he inconspicuously made his way to where the aux cord was located. Just because he was forced to be at this party didn't mean he was stuck listening to today’s top hits.

When he was within sight of the aux, he noticed that someone else beat him there. It was the most attractive man he had ever seen. With striking blue eyes that were in perfect contrast to his dark sex hair, he was like Dean’s biggest fantasy in the flesh. His eyes appreciatively roamed Cas’s body noticing the way his dark jeans clung to his thighs and the way his dark t-shirt stretched tight against his chest and arms.

Cas was furiously scrolling on the phone when suddenly the song changed. Space Oddity by David Bowie was now blasting through the speakers. He looked immediately pleased with himself and continued scrolling, adding more songs to the new queue of the playlist.

“You know, if you’re going to try and get away with changing the playlist, you should really pick a faster song to make it less obvious,” Dean mused.

Cas jumped, unaware that he was spotted changing the music. He quickly regained his composure and smiled crookedly. “Bowie is always the exception.” His voice was gravelly and deep and holy hell he really was the hottest guy Dean had ever met.

Dean smiled at that. “I would say I’d drink to that, but this punch is certainly missing its kick.”

“You know, I think I can help with that.” Cas reached into his back pocket with an eyebrow raised and pulled out a silver flask. Glancing over his shoulder, he poured a healthy amount in Dean’s cup.

Dean took a long drink from the now significantly improved punch and grinned. “My god, and a whiskey drinker, nonetheless. Where have you been all my life?”

“Iowa,” Cas deadpanned.

Dean laughed and took another long drink of the punch.

“Want to get out of here?” Cas asked. “Go somewhere quieter, I mean. This isn’t really my scene.”

Dean grinned and raced out of the party with Cas in tow.

That night Dean and Cas walked along the deserted campus, passing the flask back and forth. They took turns being mock appalled over the bands the other hasn’t listened to, or the movies that haven’t been seen. They made future plans to correct those oversights and Dean felt true happiness for the first time in much too long.

Dean never kissed Cas that night. In fact, Dean didn’t kiss Cas until years after that night. They became comfortable in their friendship and Dean didn’t want to risk what they had. Cas ended up transferring back to Iowa for his last year of college to be close to his family when his mom was sick. After she passed, he moved back to Lawrence and it was through the late-night comfort sessions where Dean’s hands lingered too long, and Cas gripped Dean too tight that their friendship suddenly became so much more.

Dean was determined to do it right, so he asked Cas out on an official date and they went to their favorite coffee shop where they previously spent hours studying together. But this time, Dean could stare at Cas without worrying about the implications. He could reach out and touch him without trying to make up some excuse for it. It was freeing and exhilarating all at once. And now, five years after that first date, Cas still has that same impact on Dean.

It was those moments that Dean and Cas reminisced over in the coffee shop. Except there was an underlying tone of sadness and uncertainty for the future. But Dean pushed that away and focused on those happy memories. He focused on Cas and found himself just as stupidly in love with him as that first day he met him.

Now Dean and Cas were back at their apartment, cuddled on the couch with coffee for Dean and hot chocolate for Cas. Dean was exhausted from their excursion. His fatigue was really setting in now. He had felt it earlier, beginning to weigh him down like a blanket. He refused to let the illness win today. Cas deserved a nice day. But now that he was laying on the couch with his head resting on Cas’s chest, he just didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore.

He was drifting into a blissful sleep when he felt Cas nudge him. Dean grumbled and chose to ignore whatever the reason Cas was trying to wake him and relaxed, feeling sleep win over once again. Once again it was interrupted. “Jesus, what is it Cas?”

“It’s raining,” He whispered, his mouth close to Dean’s ear.

“So?”

“So…it’s raining, Dean.” The emphasis he put on it seemed to wake Dean as he shot up, staring at Cas with a smile on his face.

“It’s raining! We can cross number three off the list!”

It wasn’t that rain was uncommon in Kansas. In fact, there is probably quite a few rainy days left before it turns into snow, but Dean wants to finish his list and he wants to experience the items while he can thoroughly enjoy them.

All signs of fatigue washed away from Dean and he was leaping off the couch, bringing Cas with him. They both threw on rain jackets and some boots before bounding down the stairs. He felt like a kid again.

It was a cold rain, not the warm rain showers they had grown accustomed to throughout the summer. But Dean preferred this kind; it was refreshing and the goosebumps that formed from it reminded him that he is alive. Dean lifted his face towards the sky, feeling the raindrops wash over him. He opened his mouth to catch a few stray drops, laughing to himself because he used to do the same as a kid. When was the last time he enjoyed the rain? When was the last time that he wasn’t rushing to get out of it or complaining about the inconvenience of it? The answer was too long. He needed to focus on slowing down and enjoying life. And that’s what his list was all about.

Cas grabbed Dean’s hand breaking his train of thought and dragged him through a large puddle in the street outside their apartment. Dean smiled at his boyfriend, with his dark hair that was curling at the ends from the moisture and his pink lips that were beginning to turn a light shade of blue from the cold. He truly was beautiful. Cas wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist and pulled him against his chest, grabbing his other hand.

“May I have this dance?” Cas questioned, his mouth close to Dean’s ear which caused him to shiver and created a wake of goosebumps of their own kind.

“Cas, you fucking sap,” Dean teased, but rested his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder nonetheless. They began to slowly pivot in the middle of the street, the cold rain falling against them, soaking through their jackets and into their boots but none of that mattered. Not when they had each other by their sides. Dean sighed contentedly. Maybe he should have added ‘dance in the rain’ to his list because this – this was absolutely perfect.

It wasn’t long before the cold rain began to seep into what felt like their bones, and they stopped dancing. They both were lost in their own thoughts, but when they looked at each other, green eyes meeting blue, their thoughts were quickly consumed of the other. Dean’s eyes glanced down to Cas’s lips and Cas rested his hand on the back of Dean’s neck, pulling him close.

The rain was cold, but their lips were warm, sending sparks of electricity through the other. Dean’s hands were on each side of Cas’s face as their mouths meshed together perfectly and leisurely. No wonder kissing in the rain was always romanticized in the movies. It was incredible. They kissed slowly and with meaning, pouring emotions into the kiss that neither could put into words. All thoughts of a bucket list, terminal illness, and the cold were quickly erased from Dean’s mind. Instead, all thoughts were of Cas. Dean deepened the kiss, running his tongue along Cas’s bottom lip. He pressed his body against him, suddenly wanting – no, needing more of Cas.

A bright flash of lightning struck, causing the two of them to jump apart, laughing at the other’s momentarily frightened expression.

“Come on,” Cas said, grabbing Dean’s hand once again. “Let’s go take a hot shower and we can continue where we left off.” Dean grinned and allowed Cas to lead him inside and upstairs to the warmth of their apartment.

It wasn’t long before they were shut in the bathroom, stripping each other of their wet clothes as the water heated up. What started as a frenzy turned into something much more languid. Cas peeled Dean’s soaked shirt off of him and left a trail of kisses in its place which blazed into Dean’s skin. Cas kissed along his neck, lightly sucking and nibbling on the spot just under Dean’s ear that always elicits the sexiest sounds. When he was pleased with the mark he made, Cas continued down to his shoulders. He pressed feather light kisses along his muscles, paying extra attention to his collar bones.

Cas’s fingertips lightly brushed Dean’s nipple, to which Dean whined in response. “Cas.”

“Patience,” He teased. Cas slipped his fingertips under the waistband of Dean’s boxers all while peppering kisses and licking along his broad chest. He ran his fingers along the soft skin and listened to Dean’s labored breathing. “Shower. Now.” Cas ordered, pushing his hands down and completely stripping Dean of his clothes.

They both stepped in the shower, letting the hot water wash over their chilled bodies. Dean raised his face towards the water, mimicking his earlier action in the rain. The hot water trickled down his body, washing away the chill. Meanwhile, Cas grabbed a rag and soaped it up. He rubbed it in small circles along Dean’s back, massaging where he carried the most of his tension. “Cas,” Dean moaned. “Fuck, that feels so good.”

Cas hummed in response and leaned against Dean’s back, pressing his erection against him. His hands moved to his front, gently moving along Dean’s chest and stomach, leaving soapy suds in its place. Dean let out a low moan in response to the gentle caresses and the feeling of Cas against his ass. Cas’s hand moved lower, gripping Dean’s cock. He gently moved his hand along Dean’s hard length, jerking him off at a slow enough pace to drive Dean crazy. Dean whined in response; he could already feel the heat gathering in his stomach. “Cas, please.”

“Tell me what you want, Dean.”

“You,” He choked out. “Please. I want to feel you.”

Cas moaned and removed his hand from Dean. Dean nearly whimpered in response to the loss but then he heard the click of the lube bottle opening. Cas spread Dean’s legs and slicked up his fingers. He slowly pushed the first one past the tight ring of muscles. Dean groaned at the sensation and wiggled his hips against Cas, urging him to move. Cas gripped Dean’s hips with his free hand, stilling his movements as he inserted a second finger.

Cas paused, giving Dean a moment to adjust before he began scissoring his fingers, readying Dean for him. “Ah fuck,” Dean hissed as Cas brushed his fingertip against his prostate. “C’mon, Cas, I need more.”

Cas chuckled at his boyfriend’s impatience and added a third finger. He slowly slid them in and out, feeling the warm heat of Dean. When Dean was ready, he removed his fingers and squirted more lube into his hand. He ran his hand along his leaking cock. Dean looked over his shoulder and nearly came at the sight of Cas touching himself. His head was thrown back, eyebrows furrowed, and lips parted open.

“Dean,” Cas sighed as he removed his hand. He smirked at his boyfriend’s lust ridden expression. His pupils were dilated, leaving just a small ring of color around them.    

Cas pressed the tip of his cock against Dean’s hole, lightly teasing him. “Fuck, Cas. Just fucking take me already,” He growled. With that, Cas slowly pushed in, letting the tight ring of his muscles surround him.

“You’re so fucking tight, Dean.” He growled.

Dean wiggled his hips in response, letting Cas know it was okay to move now that he was adjusted to the feeling of Cas inside him. He began pumping in and out at a slow pace, letting the tension slowly build. He adjusted his angle and brushed against Dean’s prostate on nearly every thrust.

“Cas, I need more,” He whimpered. Cas picked up the pace and began to kiss the crook of his neck. His breath was hot but still left goosebumps in its wake.

Cas whispered into Dean’s ear, “Touch yourself.” Dean immediately obliged, pumping his cock in time with Cas’s thrusts. It didn’t take long until that heat was ready to bubble over. He knew Cas wasn’t far behind based off the whimpers and curses falling from his lips. Cas picked up the pace, slamming into Dean’s prostate and Dean’s vision nearly went black from the pleasure. “Cas!” He screamed as he spilled over onto his hand and the shower wall.

As Dean expected, Cas was not far behind. It was a few more thrusts before he was following Dean off the edge with the cry of his name. The two of them caught their breath and quickly cleaned themselves up. Dean shut the water off and wrapped Cas up in a towel. He pulled him in and gently kissed him, soaking in the smell of his coconut conditioner.

“I love you so much, Cas.”

Cas grinned and replied, “And I love you more, Dean.”

Dean took in Cas’s look of pure adoration which made him feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. “Let’s go to bed, angel.” He said with another quick kiss.

Within minutes they were tangled up together in bed, sound asleep.

Part 3

[solacefruit]

Hello, I re-read your fic "one of a king, no category" again recently and first of all I absolutely love it and I always tear up no less then 3 times every time I read it. I was curious, if you remember, how you decided on the 9 cats you chose for the 9 lives ceremony, and also were there any other characters you considered using but who didn't end up making the cut?

Hello there! Thank you so much for writing in with such a sweet compliment, it really warms my heart to know that story has hit such a lovely chord with so many people. I think out of all the stories I’ve written for Warriors so far, one of a kind, no category is the one I’m proudest of and the one I’d like to be remembered for the most. 

And thank you for this question, it’s a very good one! I have a feeling it’ll get very long, though, so I’ll put it under the cut. 

I didn’t have to think much at all to know which cats I wanted to write about for this story, because I’ve been thinking about these nine in various ways since I first read the series. In many ways, one of a kind, no category is a love letter to characters I felt were treated cruelly and unfairly in canon and I wanted to give them a brief moment to be something other than what they were--whether that was to complicate or reinterpret the narrative they’re given in canon, or to highlight the qualities they have that often get overlooked or underappreciated by the writers (and sometimes other fans). 

So there’s cats like Silverstream and Rosetail, who are barely there and then killed off as a plot point--to cause drama for Greystripe or show the brutality of clan life, respectively. Then there’s cats like Lizardstripe, Nightcloud, and Foxheart who are basically written as shallow, “bitchy” antagonists--and as a result are often seen that way by the fandom--or cats like Ferncloud, who are seen as “boring” or “useless” because of their time in the nursery and often resented for that by fans. 

And I don’t necessarily blame fans for these readings of the characters, because the canon is so badly written. I think there’s always a tendency for male characters to be given leniency and complicatedness that is often withheld for female characters, but in Warriors, that cultural reading issue is compounded by the fact the writers themselves don’t ever really do female characters justice. Canon Ferncloud is largely there to pop out kittens and then died in battle “as a result of fan complaints” because Erin Hunter’s misguided understanding of the criticism they were receiving--i.e., interpreting “all she does is have kittens” to mean “we want her to fight [and die]” instead of “please give her character depth--no, not death, no, Erin, don’t--”

I wanted to take these characters and humanise (for lack of a better word) their canonical representations in a way that makes you actually care about who they are/were and the life they lived. Silverstream’s death is a tragedy. Rosetail’s life is a triumph. I wanted these experiences to be embodied in a story in a way that could give readers feelings and change how people thought of these (canonically very badly written) characters, not because I think Erin Hunter is a secret genius and deserves it (they don’t, I hate them), but because the characters themselves deserve more recognition and care than they often receive. 

Anyway, I’m sorry, I’ve gone way off track! To actually answer your questions: 

1. Leopardstar: one of the few female leaders--whose story is then basically about what a bigot she is and how she betrayed her whole clan (more or less) for a man because she was secretly in love with Tigerstar. I hate that they made a female leader (one of very few!) just to be like “eh she’s a lackey to an evil man she’s in love with who doesn’t care about her.” 

2. Rosetail: as mentioned before, she is barely in canon at all (in the main series; she returns in Bluestar’s Prophecy as kind of Bluefur’s best friend?). She’s actually the first clan cat to die after Firepaw joins Thunderclan, but it mostly gets swept aside and people are sad for like a minute and then the shock value wears off and she’s forgotten. 

3. Nightcloud: she’s kind of the contentious female character of the main series, because she’s either too clingy or too mean or a bad mother etc., and I’ve seen many people sympathise with Crowfeather over her--even though her side of things genuinely sucks. I wanted to give her space to be a kind of unlikeable person who still deserved better than she got. I think she deserves the same compassion people are willing to the extend to the man who mistreats her. 

4. Brightheart: one of the most famous disabled characters of canon--but she never really gets a decent resolution. Her ending is “happy” but I feel that she’s not really given closure for much of what happened to her, and in many ways the story around her is still very ableist. I feel like there’s a lot of extremely challenging internal growth that she would have had to do that never gets noticed in canon, so I wanted to give her a moment of sharing a fraction of the strength and wisdom she would have taught herself. 

5. Silverstream: as mentioned before, she’s so young and it feels to me like she exists--and dies--for the purposes of man-pain and I hate that. She gets so little personality in canon and then dies in childbirth, and I wanted to first give her a self that is so wonderful and real that it genuinely is devastating that she dies. It’s not a shrug, or a “poor Greystripe”: it’s a heartbreak to see someone so vivacious and excellent and hopeful get their life cut short. I want her story to be centred on who she is, not who she fell in love with and how he feels. 

6. Foxheart: she’s basically a mean, snotty villain in Yellowfang’s Secret (as is Lizardstripe) and an enemy of Yellowfang in a way that to me reeks of internalised misogyny from Erin Hunter, if I’m real with you. I wanted to give another interpretation of the events--especially considering how unbelievable it is that Yellowfang “got away” with that whole secret kit thing. It doesn’t make sense, unless you consider that other cats are in on it. Literally all Foxheart had to say to ruin Yellowfang’s life was “that kitten’s not mine”--and she never said that. I think that gets overlooked a lot and I wanted to explore that detail. And I thought it fitting to reinterpret a character whose name is literally an insult in canon (”fox-heart”) as having so much integrity that she would rather go down in history as a villain than be a snitch and a traitor to a clan-mate.

7. Lizardstripe: similar to above, she’s written as a horrible, bitter lady who resents her own mate and kits and is bullied into fostering Brokenkit and is miserable about that. It’s literally said “[h]er bitterness and resentment towards Brokenstar is what led him down his path of hatred” which is classic “blame a woman for a man’s behaviour” and a very rich statement from Erin Hunter who in the same breath is like “some cats (i.e., Brokentail) are just born evil as a punishment from Starclan on their birth mothers for breaking their vows.” It is so vile how Erin Hunter’s writing revolves as much as possible around blaming and punishing women for everything, including and especially men’s development and behaviour. 

8. Ferncloud: sort of mentioned before, but Ferncloud over the years has gotten a lot of fan disapproval for being passive and frequently pregnant. I think a lot of those criticisms--when levelled at Erin Hunter’s lazy writing--are fair and just but sometimes I feel that, in pursuit of more “strong” female characters in media, some fans forget to appreciate the many ways femininity and female characters can be subversive and/or still good, even when they’re not traditional hero’s narratives. In the real world, domestic labour (i.e., women’s work) is significantly undervalued, and I feel that Ferncloud can be read as an amazing example of someone who works to the bone every day and is largely ignored and underappreciated because the work she does is expected and taken for granted. 

9. Greypool: I love her--or at least my version of her. She doesn’t get a lot of attention in canon, other than a mention of being the foster mother to Bluestar’s kits and the fact she loses her memory as she ages and is murdered by Tigerclaw. It felt fitting for her to be the final life, both as a great and renowned storyteller in her own right and a cat considered to be very wise and kind with her words and thoughts, since ultimately one of a kind, no category is about the way stories can be told to shape the world--i.e., Erin Hunter’s often sexist canon versus the compassionate and intelligent retellings this fandom creates. 

As for cats that weren’t included, I’m happy with the nine I chose and I love them, but there are a lot of other cats who’ve been poorly treated by canon that would deserve a better story too. Snowfur of Thunderclan leaps to mind, as does Feathertail, and Palebird of Windclan, and honestly even Bluestar and Mapleshade. I think to a certain extent it’s hard to really engage with any of these characters’ narratives without also acknowledging the impact of sexist tropes on that narrative--i.e., how much of canon is “the character” (an intentional construct) and how much of their characterisation/story is kind of a side-effect of uncritical sexism perpetuated in the writing of said character? And I don’t really know the answer, because that’s not really a line that can be drawn. But I like to think one of a kind, no category and similar stories help reimagine other versions of these characters as fuller, more real people and that thought makes me happy.