#but it was so hard to build up to

[avocado-frog]

Dahlia. 2

Rating: M Word count: 7,000 (i'll write with a reasonable length soon i swear i just needed to get the first two chapters done) Warnings: Mentions of a suicide attempt, referenced ableism, violence, I think that's all but let me know Title: 4/16/2019-4/20/2019 Summary: Kai and Marcy visit. Leo and Jaxon are still fighting

4/16/2019

"How long are you staying?" Sam asked, leaning his head on the armrest of Logan's couch. He had stayed up late, waiting for his cousins to show up. They timed their visit weird, had some setbacks, and had only showed up at ten at night. Later than Sam usually liked to stay awake for.

"A couple of days, I think," was Kai's response, frowning at a lit-up phone screen. He glanced up at Logan. "If that's okay, of course."

"Of course it is." Logan smiled at the two, taking Kai's backpack and Marcy's suitcase. "I'll set up an air mattress in the living room, if you want."

"Yeah, thank you." Kai nodded politely, and turned back to Sam, smiling. "Hey, happy birthday. That was yesterday, right?"

Sam chuckled nervously, fidgeting with his hands. "Yeah, it was."

"Cool," Marcy joined in on their conversation. "How old are you now? Four? Five?"

"Eleven," Sam corrected. Logan, holding a rolled-up air mattress, came back down the stairs. Sam let out a stifled, relieved sigh.

"Alright, Sam." Logan must have sensed his mild discomfort. "It's probably time to get to bed, or you'll be tired in the morning. You have school. You can catch up with your cousins tomorrow."

"Right, okay." Sam nodded, and waved to his cousins. He mouthed a quick thanks to Logan, who gave a small, subtle nod, and he ran up the staircase faster than he ever had before.

It wasn't like his birthday had been bad, necessarily, it was just... uncomfortable. After they left Jaxon's friend's house, Jaxon had opted to stay behind, and Ryan went to bed when they got home, apparently having done too much that day. Logan had made him a cupcake, and his sisters, Dylan, and Lily got him presents, but it just felt off without his brothers there, too.

Ryan had left his door unlocked, so that was progress. The others had been happy, of course, when he told them that Ryan not only left his room, but left the house. The fact that he left the door unlocked was huge. Sam was optimistic.

Though, he still wasn't ready to go back to sharing a room yet. Ryan said that the place was too messy, and that he needed a little bit more time by himself, that he was overwhelmed, but that it was okay for him to visit. So, Sam kept that spare room, leaving his cousins with an air mattress and the couch in the living room.

Sam flicked the lights to his room on. It wasn't decorated, and the bedsheets weren't his normal ones, just the generic, maroon ones that had been there when he took the room. It was a little boring, and if he were to stay there much longer, he wanted to get some of his stuff from his old room.

He didn't dare turn the lights off. Maybe it was childish to still be afraid of the dark, but the lab had gotten pitch black at night, with the lack of windows, and blindingly bright during the day. As long as his room was brighter than the lab at any given time, he was okay. If he woke up and it was pitch black like it used to be, and he was alone, then there would be a problem.

He didn't consider himself fully safe until the TV was on, and the windows and door were open. Once the TV was on and turned to some random cartoon he'd never watched before, he could turn the lights back off and be okay.

If he didn't do all that, he would wake up screaming. That had only been an issue recently, and it had only happened three times. Leo, closest to his room, was there the fastest, quickly followed by Cass and Lily. Technically, Elliot was the closest to his room, being just next door, with Ryan diagonal from him. But that wasn't the point.

Even after he did his routine- the room was bright enough so that he wouldn't wake up and think he was in the lab again, the door was open so he wouldn't believe he was trapped, the curtains on the window were open so that he could see outside- it still took his brain a minute to calm down, still took him a long time to get his mind to slow down, and it took forever to really convince himself that he was safe.

---

Kai woke up from a half-sleep, barely able to relax in the living room of someone who was almost a stranger, on a slightly-deflated air mattress.

Eyelids still heavy, he reached out for the phone he set on the coffee table that Logan had moved out of the way, and knocked the poor thing to the ground, causing his sister to make some weird sound and roll over to her other side, from where she laid on the couch.

Wincing, Kai gingerly picked his phone up, and saw that it was only two in the morning. He sighed to himself, knowing he would never get back to sleep.

He stood up, stumbling a little from the lack of steadiness of the air mattress, and wandered to Logan's kitchen. He had said it was alright for him to take whatever he wanted from there, though Kai still felt a little guilty for it.

Mostly, he and Marcy had only decided to come over for two days to help out their cousins, especially after learning what had happened with the youngest kid. He didn't know exact details. He told his parents about it, and they insisted that they visit, despite the fact that they were going to miss school. They were told that this was more important, and that they could hire a tutor if they really needed to, but Kai was still thoroughly against missing that much school. Two days felt excessive.

He began filling a cup of water, after searching through the cabinets to find a single cup anywhere, when the front door quietly clicked shut, breaking through the dead silence. Kai made some embarrassing squeak noise, turning around in a panic.

Jaxon, standing on the other end of the hall by the front door, looked just as stunned to see him there. Quietly, he shuffled past the air mattress, and to the kitchen.

Out of all of the twin's new friends, Jaxon and Logan were the only ones he kept in contact with. Though, recently, Jaxon had stopped responding to any calls or messages, which was unlike him.

"You are... in my house?" Jaxon muttered softly, as not to wake up Marcy. A smart decision. Marcy was nearly homicidal when she got woken up.

"I texted you, and said I was on my way." Kai leaned back against a counter. Jaxon balled up the edge of his hoodie in his fist. "What are you doing, breaking into your own house at two in the morning?"

Kai remembered something about how being tired made you lose control over your emotional regulation, resulting in getting all sad when it was night.

Jaxon sniffed, and swiped at his nose with his wrist, trembling a little. For a minute, Kai worried he would start crying. He wasn't sure what to do if that happened.

"Woah, don't cry..." Kai sort of slurred. He felt a lot more tired than he had a moment ago. "Just tell me why you were gone."

"I was just with a friend." Jaxon crossed his arms over his chest, hands clenched into fists. Under the moonlight coming through the window, blue hair sparkled. Kai found himself transfixed on it.

"Have you ever dyed your hair other colors?" Kai decided to drop the earlier subject. It was making his friend upset. Maybe later.

"Huh?" Jaxon looked caught off guard. He pulled a strand of his hair in front of his eyes, and shrugged. "Oh, uh... yeah, I have. When I was first starting to dye it, it was black, with green stripes. I was, maybe twelve."

"Hm." Kai leaned back against the counter again. "I think... purple would look nice."

"Purple?"

"Yeah. Like-" Kai waved his hand in a circle as he tried to form the correct words. "Like, dark purple. It's a little more subtle than your blue, but I think it'd look pretty with your eyes."

"Oh."

"I think you should stay here," Kai said, out of nowhere. At this point, he was just spewing garbage out of his mouth. He was only half-aware of what he was saying. It felt like a dream.

Jaxon glanced up at him, sitting on the counter opposite of him. He shrugged loosely. "I don't- I don't know."

"How come?" Kai had a feeling he knew, but he was curious, anyways.

"Leo's mad at me, I don't know why, and..." he glanced at a spot on the floor. Kai's gaze trailed to a spot that had been cleaned a little too hard. "I can barely stand to be in here."

"This is where that kid-"

"Yeah."

Kai hummed a little, contemplating. "I think... I think you owe it to him to stay. I think that the others need you here."

"Really?"

Running off to stay with a friend after something bad had happened, sounded like the twins back in November. Kai didn't even hear from Leo until almost two months later, too.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think so." Kai nodded, mostly to himself. "I don't know about Leo, haven't talked to her today, but I think I can get her to calm down a little. Leo's never... been through anything like this before, but yeah. Usually, her first reaction to anything bad ever, is getting angry."

"I can tell," Jaxon deadpanned.

"You probably didn't do anything wrong," Kai continued. "Collateral damage. Wrong place, wrong time, you know?"

"Yeah." Jaxon nodded tiredly. He yawned. "...I'll think about it. Only came over because I wanted a better blanket. He won't notice I left. ...I can stay for a while."

Kai frowned again. "You shouldn't be walking out by yourself at night. That's not safe."

Jaxon snorted, smiling. "Yeah, okay, mom."

"I'm serious!" Kai scolded, genuinely distressed. "You could get hurt."

Jaxon, like a flipped switch, went back to his usual self, smiling. "I can take care of myself. Nothing bad will happen to me, walking two blocks down the street."

"You don't know that..."

Jaxon hopped down from the counter, reaching up to place a hand on the top of Kai's head.

"Yes I do. I  have magic, you don't." Jaxon still grinned. "If anything, you shouldn't be out at night. You couldn't fight to save your life, either."

"Well, there's no need to be rude about it."

Jaxon snickered, and gestured towards the staircase with his head. "Well, are you going back to bed? Dylan won't wake up, if you want to watch a movie, or something."

Kai wasn't going to be able to sleep anyways, and watching a movie with him did sound more fun than laying on an air mattress trying to sleep. He nodded.

"Sure."

4/17/2019

Dylan stared up at the dark, looming staircase to the attic. It was a room they never used until recently, having been just a storage room until a couple of weeks ago, when it had been changed to Elliot's room. Dylan never bothered to ask why they didn't use Elliot's real room. Didn't matter, they supposed.

A pit formed in their stomach just looking at the door at the top of the stairs. They felt bad about it, but they didn't like to visit Elliot. They needed to. Elliot was scared of being alone.

The worst part, was that Dylan knew something would happen. They had Logan hide the knives. They locked every cabinet with any sort of medicine, hid anything that could even be a little dangerous, and yet, Elliot got hurt.

When Dylan saw that vision of Elliot's stab wound, they saw one for Leo as well, though they couldn't remember exactly what it was, and it never came back up again. If Leo noticed Dylan's desperate attempts to keep her safe, she didn't say anything. They didn't want her to die, too.

Elliot died for a whole five minutes, legally speaking, before Dylan was able to reverse it. That was definitely in the top five scariest moments of their life.

They had a visiting-Elliot cycle, as they called it. Lily usually went in the mornings to check on him, then Logan to do the important medical stuff, and then Sam or Leo. Dylan hadn't been going to school, and visited whenever they had the opportunity.

This time, they were being accompanied by Ryan. To Dylan's knowledge, Ryan hadn't gone to visit his brother at all, since the incident.

"Are you sure?" Dylan signed one final time to their friend, who gave a small nod in response, hands balled into fists, shoulders tense.

Ryan couldn't even go into the kitchen. Dylan thought that it was still too soon, that he should wait until he could stand in the kitchen again, but Ryan insisted.

"I have to," Ryan signed back. Dylan shook their head. He didn't have to do anything. The obligation was purely fictional. "I promised Sam I would leave my room more."

And Dylan, while glad Ryan was doing better, making a little bit of progress in the short span of two days, was still convinced he was going too fast. Dylan knew Ryan well enough, he preferred to go slowly with this sort of thing. They couldn't help but worry.

If Ryan really wanted to go up there, it wasn't like they could say no.

Dylan walked up the staircase, ahead of Ryan, so he could leave if he wanted, and unlocked the attic's door. That automatic locking thing was going to be the death of them, they were sure. When they were around eight or nine, they got trapped there trying to look for something, and it took five hours before anyone realized they were in there. Jaxon had practically broken the door down in a panic, and refused to let Dylan out of his sight for the next week. A bad day for everyone involved.

Dylan paused before opening the door. Ryan was still there, when they turned around.

They shot Ryan the most serious look they could. "Don't shut the door," they signed, and Ryan nodded. "It will lock. We'll be stuck."

Ryan nodded again, like he had experience in getting locked in the attic. Out of all the group, it would be the most unfortunate for Ryan and Dylan to get stuck in the attic. Neither of them were loud, and definitely not loud enough to be heard all the way in the first floor where Kai and Marcy- the only ones that were there- were. Dylan could only hope Ryan would listen to them.

The other worst case scenario was if Ryan saw his brother and started to panic like he did whenever he went into the kitchen. If that happened, Dylan would have to leave him alone to get help.

To his credit, Ryan didn't panic when he saw Elliot. Instead, a certain, sad, resigned look flashed across dull eyes. He wasn't afraid of him, like he was afraid of the kitchen. Ryan twisted his hands together, before turning back to Dylan.

"How often do you visit?" Ryan signed, and Dylan had to think about it.

"Maybe... three times a week?" Dylan signed with a shrug. "I try, often as I can. Visit you, too."

It wasn't like, staying home by themself all day, they had much else going on. It was hard to do anything else. They had a routine; wake up, eat breakfast, see Ryan, watch TV, see Elliot, lunch, TV, dinner. Simple, comforting. Dylan didn't want to stray from that routine. Anything else was overwhelming, they found out.

"I should have come up sooner," Ryan signed. His arms fell limp to his sides. He looked like he would cry. This was not Dylan's area of expertise whatsoever. Still, they were almost upset that Ryan thought like that.

Dylan shook their head firmly, when they got Ryan's attention. "Don't say that. You're here now."

Ryan nodded silently. Dylan turned back to Elliot. A pang of guilt struck them.

Dylan had never been great at making friends outside their family. Most kids their age didn't know sign language, so there was a slight barrier there. Despite them being in a class with other deaf kids, it still just didn't work. It was frustrating, they couldn't get why. They didn't think they were rude, or boring enough to ignore, and yet, it was a struggle.

Jaxon said it didn't matter, that they were stupid if they didn't want to be friends with them, and Logan said that they were bound to find someone who liked them outside of home, and Lily said she would beat anyone into the dirt for them if they asked, but they never got an answer as to why.

Dylan wished they could say that they just got along better with the teachers in their classroom, but they didn't. The teachers talked to them more often than the other kids, yet, they couldn't help but feel babied by the teachers. Talked down to, ignored. Dylan liked to think they were smarter than that.

Elliot understood that.

Logan was in online college, but he had a job, and he was relatively well-liked. He didn't understand. Leo gained a sort-of popularity among her classmates, though it hadn't always been like that. Leo almost understood. Cass was smart, and everyone seemed to like her, too, so she didn't understand. The same for Lily. Jaxon got along with everyone, and so did Sam. Ryan and Elliot both truly understood when Dylan said no one liked them.

Like them, Ryan wasn't good at reading people. Social cues were a tricky thing, and people seemed to get offended by the slightest misreading. It was a minefield.

Elliot, missing an eye, constantly deadpan, jumpy, he told Dylan that his classmates were genuinely afraid of him. Dylan didn't think that was justified. At worst, Elliot knew how to scare people. In truth, Elliot was only a kid. (Though, to be fair, Dylan was only a year and one month older.)

So, seeing Elliot in the condition he was in, and seeing Ryan hurting so bad over it, it felt like a hot knife carving a hole in every inch of their skin. It was not a pleasant feeling.

Visiting whenever possible was the best thing they could do. Their only fear was that Elliot didn't know they were there. Some people in comas can hear, and Dylan's hearing aids were downstairs in their room, they didn't usually like to talk without them, and the high-pitched ringing noise was getting a little irritating. They must've needed new batteries.

One thing they used to do as a kid, before they knew sign language, but after they went deaf, was something Logan had started; writing letters in their palm. It was easier than sign, but you had to pay attention. Logan had caught onto sign language pretty quickly, and so had Dylan, but it was taking Lily a while, and Jaxon had been having trouble with the right hand movements. His brain injury mostly damaged the part of the brain that controlled speech, so for a while, neither Dylan nor Jaxon said a word to their new friends.

Dylan used the old trick of writing into Elliot's hand to let him know they were there. They didn't usually say much, as it took a while, and touching other people's palms sort of grossed them out. It was strangely leathery. Usually, they just wrote a simple greeting. They could only hope Elliot knew it was them. He hated being alone.

"I wonder if I could have stopped him," Ryan signed out of nowhere, and Dylan glared, already hating where this was going. "If I tried hard enough."

"Stop," Dylan signed, with the sternest look they could possibly manage. "You got hurt trying to take the knife. You did what you could."

Somehow, they doubted Ryan believed them.

4/18/2019

Leo was not acting normal, despite what the others were saying.

She sat across the table from Jaxon, staring at her phone in one hand, holding a sandwich in the other. Sometimes, one of the others would start talking, and she would look up, and her gaze would flicker to the phone.

Something wasn't right, and it seemed like he was the only one who noticed.

Leo scrolled up for maybe half a second, and then back down to the same thing, over and over. Her eyes held a dim blankness, like she was just on her phone for show and didn't care what was on it. If someone talked to her, she would answer in brief, quiet sentences.

It wasn't like Jaxon was the one who had known her the longest, so that wasn't why he knew this, either. Cass was her sister, Kai and Marcy were her cousins, Logan and Lily were her childhood friends, the triplets, while her brothers, she only met them five months ago. Jaxon had met her in November, so he was not the one who had known her the longest, by a long shot.

And still, Cass thought she was acting fine. Logan said she was just recovering from the shock of what happened the previous month, like they all were, to just give her a few more weeks. If Elliot were there, he would notice, Jaxon was sure.

Kai was probably right, about what he had said before. Leo was probably targeting him out of everyone because he happened to be there. Leo would be fine in a few days, and everything would be okay again. He hoped so, at least. He missed her.

Jaxon took an angry bite of his sandwich, setting it down on his plate. He stared at the table, resting his chin on his hand. He glanced at Leo, who glanced at him, scowled, and looked back at her phone.

He tried everything he could. He tried to apologize, to get her to talk, to leave her alone, everything. And nothing worked.

Jaxon didn't ever really get angry with any of his friends.

His hand tightened around his cup, his eyes burned, a scream threatened to claw its way out of his throat. He was shaking, his knee bounced as his foot tapped against the floor.

He wasn't angry at her. He was just a little annoyed. Irritated, if you will.

Leo would get over it, and so would he.

---

"Ew, you've been on an air mattress all weekend?" Jaxon made a face, rolling it back to it's original rolled-up form. "I hate air mattresses. I always think I'll fall."

"I did fall," Kai remarked, and handed him the box that the mattress was supposed to go in. "Multiple times."

Kai glowered at his sister half-heartedly. "She called dibs on the couch when we got here."

"Not even a trial with rock-paper-scissors, huh?" Jaxon sat on the floor, his friend sat down across from him. Kai always seemed to sit with perfect posture, Jaxon couldn't get why. He thought it was just how he was raised, but then Marcy sat backwards and upside down on the couch every day. Jaxon cupped a hand over his mouth. "Lily always does that with the TV remote!"

"Well, maybe you should get to the couch faster!" Lily yelled back, from wherever she was.

Kai snickered behind his hand, and Jaxon stared at him with wide eyes.

"I didn't even know she could hear me!" Jaxon made a wide gesture with his hands, and began picking at the carpet. "Do you need help packing anything else?"

"Nah." Kai shrugged. "I didn't bring much." He gestured at Marcy's entire suitcase. "Unlike somebody."

Jaxon smiled thinly, drawing his knees close to his chest, resting his chin on his arms. He was that close to going with Cass's cousins.

"Oh!" Kai shot up, staring at his phone. "My parents are here. Guess it's time to go, then."

"Oh, okay!" Jaxon stood up, and followed his friend to the door. Marcy probably knew it was time to go. Jaxon genuinely didn't have a clue where she was anymore.

Kai turned around, looking a little concerned. "You'll be okay here?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"Seriously." Kai's expression became a bit sterner. "Tell me if things get worse with Leo. Or with Elliot."

Jaxon suppressed a flinch. A slight pang in his heart. "I will. He'll be fine."

Elliot was going to be fine.

"Okay." Kai nodded. His arms wrapped around Jaxon's neck in a swift hug. "I'll text you on the way over, if I have any internet."

"Alright!" Jaxon grinned, heart racing a little. "Drive safely! Tell your grandma and your cat that I said hello!"

Kai laughed a little. "I will. See you later."

4/19/2019

"Do you ever watch where you're going?"

Ryan's head thumped against the door. A headache pulsed behind his eyes. Dylan hung upside-down on Sam's bed, playing a game on their phone. Sam searched through boxes underneath Ryan's bed.

"Sam."

"I'm looking."

"Sam."

"I know, I know." Sam waved his hand absently in Ryan's direction. "Ha! Found them!"

Triumphantly, Sam held up Ryan's sound-cancelling headphones. He lost them at some point, even after he had cleaned his room. Sam handed them to him. Ryan pulled them over his head, cringing a little at the pressure.

Sounds became muffled, like he thought he should have been used to by now. Putting them on would suddenly plunge him underwater, and he'd be sinking, he couldn't swim, water would flood his ears through the headphones, it would all still be muffled when he got out and stood on the dock, shaking, about to cry, Jaxon was panicking, a group of kids frantically apologized.

Ryan shook his head. He was fine. He couldn't drown, he had been fine. He just got a little sick afterwards, was all.

"You okay?" Sam signed, and Ryan nodded. He could still hear his sister fighting with Jaxon outside of their room.

From the little context he had, Jaxon tripped and fell, and knocked Leo over, and Leo was overreacting a little.

The fights got worse after their cousins left. Practically the minute the two had driven off, it had been nonstop.

Logan tried to stop them, tried to separate them, but it never seemed to work. Ryan knew that Leo was messing with Jaxon on purpose now, and that he was taking the bait. It was annoying. If it continued, Ryan would have to resort to violence.

"Think they'll stop?" Sam signed, looking equally annoyed. Their fighting became muffled, he couldn't tell their voices apart, or understand what they were saying.

"No." Ryan signed back, and pretended to fist-fight the air. Sam snickered.

"They won't fight."

"They'll fight."

Sam glanced over at Dylan, then back to Ryan. "Leo will win. Dylan doesn't agree."

Ryan nodded. He didn't think Jaxon really had the heart to seriously fight any of them. Although, he had heard from Lily and Logan that he used to get in fights at school all the time. But then, so had Leo.

Someone knocked on the door, and Ryan shot up, seconds before Lily kicked the door open, slid inside, and shut the door behind her.

"Hey, I hear this is where we're hiding." Lily's voice was louder than the other's, Ryan could hear her quite clearly through the headphones. He slid them around his neck. "Cass left her laptop in here. She's at the store right now, but she asked me to find it."

Sam pointed to a thin, silver laptop covered in little sunflower stickers. Lily nodded, and picked it up, choosing to sit on the bed instead of leave.

"Annoyed yet?" Lily chuckled lightly, but all four of them flinched when a loud thud sounded from the hallway. "I barely got in here without catching on fire." Lily made a dramatic gesture with her hands, leaning forward. "I think Leo's this close to snapping my brother's neck clean off."

"They shouldn't be using their magic indoors," Ryan mumbled. "They could both burn down the house..."

"Mhm, totally." Lily nodded in agreement. "They'll wake up your brother with all their fighting."

Ryan winced a little. Sam cringed, but nodded.

Dylan sat up, turning their phone off. Their hearing aids were out, and carefully placed on Ryan's dresser. "Are they done?"

"No."

Dylan groaned and flopped back down on the bed. Lily patted their head sympathetically.

"Dinner should be ready in a few minutes, Logan thinks." Lily turned back to Ryan and Sam. "And Cass should be home any second now, which means that she'll mom-friend those two into submission and get them to shut the fuck up!"

She shouted that last part in the direction of the door, and momentarily, the argument stopped. It then continued with, "and now you're annoying Lily!"

Lily buried her face in her hands and pretended to cry. "Oh my god..."

"They're annoying the rest of us, too." Sam glared at the door. He looked back at Ryan. "Should we go downstairs, since dinner's done?"

"Ugh!" Lily stood up, and sighed dramatically. "I guess."

She signed to Dylan that they were going downstairs for dinner. Lily was the first one to open the door, acting like the hallway was a warzone, as she carefully inched outside. She was followed by Dylan, who didn't seem to care all that much, and then Ryan and Sam at the back of their line.

By the time they got out there, Leo had seemingly pushed Jaxon down, and had already gone downstairs. Lily silently helped Jaxon back up.

Cass had come back home by the time they got to the dining room, she was helping set out the food with Logan.

Lemon chicken and rice, one of Ryan's personal favorites. He could hardly bring himself to enjoy it.

Usually, it was Leo and Jaxon talking the loudest at the table, which caused the others to all join in. With Leo and Jaxon not on speaking terms at the moment, it meant that the others didn't talk, either.

Cass and Lily made light conversation, though it was strained and reduced to small talk. Across the table, Logan asked how the food was, to which Ryan responded with a thumbs-up.

Leo was eating slowly. She glanced up, looking around the table and sighed to herself, going back to eating the rice.

Leo finished first, and had run up the stairs.

When it was finished, Ryan helped to collect the plates, placing them in the sink. Logan gave him a small smile, patted him on the head, and Ryan ran off to go find his sister.

He darted up the stairs faster than he normally would have, slowing down at the sight of Leo's open door.

Leo's room was Ryan's favorite out of all of them. It was messy, disorganized, yet somehow, Ryan was instantly anxious upon entering (like he was with Dylan and Jaxon's room). It had a calming effect, he was safe there.

Leo was on the floor, emptying school supplies from her backpack, leaving them scattered on the floor. He thought that was odd, since they had school the next day. Leo skipped school often, so he wasn't too worried about that. Still, he had a bad feeling.

"What're you doing?" Ryan asked, and Leo jumped.

"Oh, Ryan." Leo smiled thinly. It was forced. "I'm going to a friend's house tomorrow night, I thought I would pack early."

Ryan stepped inside, kneeling down on the floor in front of her. He gestured to a pencil, rolling away. "You aren't going to school tomorrow?"

"Nah." Leo shrugged. "But don't tell Logan."

Ryan chuckled a little. He hugged his knees, watching Leo neatly fold a shirt from a red hanger, setting it inside her backpack.

"Are you going to school?" Leo picked up the runaway pencil and poked him in the forehead. "It's been a while, but there's no rush, you know. Take as long as you need."

Ryan shrugged. Going to school still made his stomach churn. He hated leaving Sam alone for so long, and he felt a bit better than he had been before, but he wasn't sure if school was too much or not. The principal had given him, Dylan, and Sam all a pass to skip the rest of the year, if they wanted.

"I don't know..."

"Don't force yourself, if you aren't sure." Leo placed her hand on his shoulder, smiling softly. "And hey! You went to the kitchen today! You're making progress."

Ryan blinked, remembering how he had gotten to the dining room in the first place- through the kitchen- and how he had helped Logan with the dishes earlier. He hadn't even noticed.

"Now, go get ready for bed, watch a movie or something. Whatever it is you kids do." Leo ruffled his hair gently. "We'll do something fun tomorrow, when the others leave, yeah?"

Ryan smiled a little. "...Yeah."

"Alright. Goodnight, love you."

"You too."

4/20/2019

Leo took him to the aquarium downtown, had even bought something from the gift shop. That was something she never did, complaining about how expensive they were, how she could buy something eighty-five dollars cheaper at the Dollar Store.

It was just a stuffed axolotl, but Ryan looked deeply suspicious of it, and Dylan was deeply suspicious of the frog keychain they got as well. Yet another frog thing for their collection, Leo had said.

They went to the park afterwards. Leo sat on the bench and watched Dylan water the flowers in the garden with their water bottle, and Ryan swinging on the swing set. She snickered as another kid approached him, and he began signing a bunch of nonsense until the kid left him alone.

Leo didn't want to leave them. The more she thought about it, the less appealing it became. Funny, this was the same bench she stayed on while trying to decide whether to stay at Logan's house in the first place, where she wondered if looking for her brothers was worth it. It had been. Ryan had just started leaving his room again, she didn't even know how Sam was doing, and Elliot was in a coma. It'd been worth it, but Leo wasn't able to take care of them like Logan or Cass could. As soon as she hit eighteen, it would be her responsibility. She doubted Logan was going to let her stay that long, as nice as he was.

This made sense, as much as she hated it. Her and Jaxon's fighting wasn't a good environment for the kids, and she knew that the older ones were getting irritated as well, and she couldn't stop.

She didn't hate him...

...Maybe she did.

It was his fault she was leaving. It was all his fault.

She would miss them, but they would be fine. She didn't know where she was going to go- certainly not back to Emily's house, though she could possibly take her old one if nobody moved in. Or maybe that was too obvious. She wasn't old enough to legally own a house.

If she left- when she left- she likely wasn't going to know whether Elliot would be okay. She couldn't just take him, after all. If he woke up, he was going to be so pissed at her.

But Elliot was going to be fine. Dylan's weird spooky voodoo shit was keeping him alive, Cass's healing magic was keeping the wound stable. He'd be fine.

She walked across the street with the younger two, to where Logan's house was. Her hand was heavy, as she unlocked the door, pushing it open for what could have been the last time.

Leo still had to finish packing. She was leaving for a friend's house in just six hours now. Six hours left.

She would finish packing, go see her brother, wait until seven o'clock that afternoon, talk to Jaxon, and then she was going to leave.

...Leo found packing to be quite upsetting.

She tried to focus. She had done this before, when she left Emily's house. Back then, five months ago now, Leo had been rushing, there had been a sense of urgency. She needed to get out. 

This time, Leo was slow. She didn't want to leave, not really. This wasn't fair.

Leo tried to convince herself that she could get by just fine on her own. She barely talked to Cass before they left for New Hampshire, she barely talked to Kai or Marcy before they left. She only met the others five months ago. Leo's aunt and uncle- she could argue that she spent more time with them than her sister and cousins before they left, and they were hardly around. Leo took care of herself just fine before, she'd be fine now.

In one year and six months, Leo would be eighteen. That was old enough to buy a house, probably. At least, rent something. Leo could manage a year and a half. This wouldn't be hard.

"I'm sorry," was what Leo managed to say to her brother, still asleep. Leo adjusted the stuffed rabbit on his bed to be closer to him. Elliot didn't stir. Leo sighed a little. "I don't think I'm coming back. You'll be okay, won't you?"

"You will..." Leo continued. "You'll be fine. I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. Maybe I'll come back someday? I don't know."

If Elliot chose that specific moment to wake up, he'd be able to get Leo to stay. She knew that, and she hoped that he would choose that specific moment to wake up.

Leo took a final look at her brother, and left.

---

Something was up.

Jaxon didn't trust Leo at all. He kicked a pebble on the sidewalk, watching it bounce to the street. In the garden, he could see Leo sitting on the marble fountain, waiting for him.

After dinner (she was acting weird. She thanked Logan for letting her siblings stay there for so long, she looked near-tears as she claimed she was going to a friend's house, with a bag slung over her shoulder.) she had asked Jaxon to meet her in the garden, saying she wanted to talk.

Jaxon crossed the street. Crickets chirped in the dark silence, there was a quiet mumbling among people still walking this late in the night, the wind provided a cool breeze. The streetlights provided a faint, white light on the street. Cars drove past, wheels splashing against puddles from an earlier rain.

There was no gate to the garden. It was simply rows of dirt with flowers planted. Bushes formed arches, grown around curved wires and neatly trimmed, about five of them led to the marble fountain.

This was Dylan's favorite spot, the quietest part of the city. Dylan watered the flowers here in the spring and summer. They had met Cass here, which had led to the twins staying over.

Leo hopped down from where she sat on the fountain, walking towards him. Jaxon glared at the gravel trail beneath his feet. A petal laid on the ground. Aconite, wolfsbane. A poisonous flower.

A deadly foe is near. Jaxon always liked that particular flower. The meaning of it, he only remembered because Dylan got super into it once when they were nine. Jaxon remembered that specific one, because it sounded like a video game's final boss. He thought that was cool.

Leo was about five feet away, hands in her pockets, head hung low, expression unreadable.

"Leo," Jaxon startled himself with how low his own voice got. "I'm not in the mood-"

"I'm not going to fight." Leo's voice was dangerously monotonous, though it wavered a little. "I'm leaving. I wanted to apologize first."

Jaxon blinked, heart dropping a little. "You're... what?"

"I'm leaving," Leo repeated, harsher this time. "I'm not coming back, so I wanted to talk to you before I go."

Acid rose in his throat. His heart pounded. A thick knot in his throat made it impossible to speak. "You're- you're just going to leave?"

Leo nodded. Like she didn't even care. Jaxon took a few breaths, they came out shaking. Tears stung at his eyes. He wasn't going to cry-

He gritted his teeth, breathing grew sharp and unsteady. "You can't just do that! You can't just leave because things got a bit harder!"

Leo flinched backwards, gold eyes became cold and narrowed. Jaxon tensed, nails biting into his palms.

"That's the exact same fucking thing you did!" Leo made a wide gesture with her arms. "What the fuck are you talking about? What's the difference?" 

"I came back!" Jaxon took a step forward. "You're just leaving. Were you ever going to tell them?"

Leo didn't say anything. He was standing closer to her now. She was still six inches taller than he was. Leo's hands curled into fists, but her expression softened a little as she looked at something in the distance.

"Jaxon, Ryan's here..."

Jaxon whirled around, and sure enough, Ryan was hiding behind a streetlight, watching the fight. He noticed Jaxon staring at him, and recoiled, trying to make himself smaller. Jaxon winced. He knew what Leo was going to do.

And then, a hard punch to the side of the head sent him straight to the ground.

Jaxon barely had the time to brace himself for the impact, slamming into the gravel. For a moment, he was disoriented, having to blink to relocate himself. His palms stung.

Jaxon forced himself to stand, moving slowly, stunned.

Leo didn't move, didn't speak, stared with burning, yellow eyes. Red sparks flew from clenched fists. She wouldn't...

Jaxon lunged forward and knocked Leo to the ground. A crack echoed through the park, as Leo managed a kick to the stomach. Jaxon gasped, falling on his side. Leo hovered over him. He grabbed a handful of gravel, she stumbled back as the small rocks hit her face.

He managed to stand back up, shaking, breathing quick and painful, and glanced up in time to be shoved back to the ground, back digging into the sharp rocks.

Jaxon knocked her down with a kick to the knee. He was losing. Jaxon stood up. His fist collided with Leo's face, and for a moment, the sharp, pulsing agony of feeling his fingers crack distracted him. Her nose was bleeding now, bent awkwardly.

She grabbed him by the collar of his hoodie, he heard the fabric begin to rip, and suddenly, colors blurred around him, and a sharp pain- the fountain- collided with the back of his head, and he slumped over, vision fading.

Leo left.

[theonewhowails]

cult trait: good die young

[beif0ngs]

[yuviur]

Summer vacation, 4am.

Tons of easter eggs in this one! Click the image to find them (and for better quality ofc)

Close ups and process shots under the cut, description in alt text

[that-ineffable-devil]

I've praised George Rextrew a lot for the emotion he put behind various actions, and I stand by that.

But I also want to take a moment to appreciate Jayden Revri's ability to handle Charles' more explosive emotions.

In the Devlin house, you watch his anguish and anger build in equal measure. Unlike the characters, we get to see the build-up to the outburst that leads to him getting stuck in the loop. The first time he sees that man murder his family he wants to look away, he tries to look away. You can see how much it hurts him, but he turns back and watches anyway--and the horror turns to rage.

When the Night Nurse comes, he fights her off--very aggressively yes, but they didn't see what he did when she took him into his memories--and everyone looks at him like...like he's a bomb that may go off again? Like they've never seen him before?

The boy's just been through some of his most traumatic memories and committed an act of violence that probably only made that experience worse, and he sees his friends looking at him the way he'd always feared they would--like he's a bad guy. And Jayden portrays that grief and pain so beautifully.

And when he gives that little "no" while he's crying and jerks away from Edwin's outstretched hand?

My heart feels like it's been squashed and wrung out.

[beneathsilverstars]

i find it so so interesting the things that you can learn about a parent/caregiver just by knowing their kid...

when siffrin doesn't flinch away from bonnie's touch, bonnie says "good kid, good kid. you didn't even jump that time! good job, you did such a good job.” now we know what kind of langauge nille uses to praise bonnie!

bonnie doesn't actually argue all that much about not being allowed to fight - they make their opinion known, but then focus on being a good snack leader. i think they are used to having their point of view taken into consideration! a kid who doesn't dare complain at all might have very strict and stubborn caregivers, while a kid who throws a fit might have caregivers who pay more attention to emotions than logic, or care less about their child's feelings and more about how those feelings affect them. but bonnie trusts that the adults around them will listen to them, and then make a reasonable decision, even if it's not the one they wanted.

bonnie's fairly level-headed in general, actually. they get really upset sometimes, obviously, but it's about things that are really upsetting? otherwise.. if they're not confronted about the death convo, they're able to set it aside and focus on cheering everyone up with snacks. even though they're mad at siffrin, they have some chill convos with him. pretty good emotional regulation skills all things considered! they're often able to choose to be calm and cheerful, but they feel safe expressing sadness and anger, too, so they're not just sitting there repressing everything either!

i just get really emo about what a good job nille must have done raising them 😭

[mlkinis]

A Royal Flush!? ♠️

[saragapen]

Scorpions from the past

[20dimensionalchaos]

paula love of my life

[clownsuu]

I actually found mob! Howdy and Wally character.ai! Here: https://beta.character.ai/public-profile/?char=ehPv8PY3PyAHazrSVnPE1HMzhaDasjvQ1vfvHRa7AIg&username=MilThePerson

(It's actually a crazy ride cause I wanted to rizz Howdy but Wally came out of nowhere?? I didn't even know it could do that lmao)

Ps: I'm new on tumblr so if these look weird, i'm sorry in advance hehe

O YEAH I SAW LITERALLY AFTER I POSTED

I haven’t used it (yet) but my friend has and confused the shid outta those two KDHDGHD

[puppyeared]

doodles of my fav sillies

anton belongs to @poicyss

[irishmammonagenda]

Belphie blinks at you in greeting as you slide under the covers with him, only humming gently when you hold onto him for dear life. Dark indigo eyes noticing with interest that you haven't even started getting ready for RAD yet---not that he was one to talk---the Avatar of Sloth merely gives you a lazy smirk and wraps his tail around you under the covers as you whisper a strangled out, 'hide me'.

He nods slowly, his throat feeling much too heavy, and he himself feeling much too lazy to use his words. A pale hand pulls the covers over your head, just in time too, as Lucifer bursts into the room, ruby red eyes shining like a wolf on the hunt.

"Have you seen MC?" The eldest asks, paying no mind to the usual sound of morning chaos coming from the rest of the house.

Belphie lets out a strangled, lazy, "Nope." all the while his tail tightens around you.

Lucifer shakes his head. Looking at the you shaped lump under the covers. Merely pinching the bridge of his hooked nose and sighing, "MC. If you wanted a break from RAD, you could've just asked instead of opting to hide."

You pop out from under the covers, eyes wide like a deer in headlights, Belphegor's arms wrap around you from under the covers, his eyes sleepily tracing the features of your face as you speak.

"Right.....yeah. Sorry Luci?" You tilt your head, the Avatar of Pride's eyes soften a fraction.

"Be sure to catch up on your schoolwork, we only have room for one academic failure in this house and I'm afraid that spot has permanently been reserved for Mammon." Lucifer says sternly, though you can see the faintest upward quirk of his lips.

"Aye aye Captain." You nod, sleepily saluting the eldest.

"Belphegor."

Belphie turns to look at his eldest brother.

"Just because MC has a day off school, it doesn't mean you have one. Your uniform's hanging up by your desk." The ebony-haired demon walks out of the room.

"...Diavolo fucking dammit."

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Get Their Ass.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[milkbreadtoast]

Scenes that still shake me to my core more than 10 years later.... god the voice acting in this scene is so good.

[homerforsure]

Having this half formed thought about how Buck will do anything to save a relationship except fight for it and Eddie will fight for ones he doesn’t even want just so he doesn’t fail at them and let the other person down.

[starry-bi-sky]

Childhood Friends Au: Jason

there's something burning in the empty room inside my head fill it up with doubt let it in, let it spread

When Jason gets Tim's text in the groupchat, he ignores it. And then a short series of buzzes distract him from a drug bust. It hasn't even been that long since he reconciled with the family, with Bruce. He thinks that perhaps he should have left it sooner.

He glances at it momentarily when the buzzing stops and he doesn't need to knock out more guys. He sees Tim's question dedicated towards him, and his response is instant, his thumbs flying over in response.

He doesn't care, he's trying to patrol.

(He does not have Danny's number in this phone, it's new. A model from this year rather than one from four years ago. He wants that old phone back. He hasn't even looked at their old letters yet.)

(Jason bets that they've been packed away in storage with the rest of his things. He doesn't want to visit the manor, but maybe he should. Just to find those letters again. He's not sure if he's allowed to.)

And then Tim says its Danny, and Jason flies up to the past texts to find the photo before he can think. And then there is Danny staring right at him again, with the same old smile on his face that he always aimed at people. Lopsided, Danny's favorite kind of smile.

Something old, something new. He's got piercings, and his eyes are as blue as they've ever been. He has an undercut, it looks self-done. It looks good. He looks tired.

Danny's good at hiding things from people, it comes with the purchase of being a street kid. But Jason can't have someone else's back without knowing the ins and outs of the person in question. Jason knows when Danny is tired, and Danny knows when he is too.

Before his death, whenever Danny came over he never missed a beat in telling Jason that he looked like shit. Were Bruce's fancy rich-people, cloud-made mattresses too soft for him? He can find him a moth-eaten street mat for him if he needs it. It'd be like the good old days.

(Jason wishes he could have told him he was Robin, but it wouldn't be safe.)

Jason had to see him with his own eyes, had to confirm with his own eyes just how much Danny had changed. It's just his luck -- if he has any left -- that he arrives to Bruce's dumb gala just as Danny steps out onto their once-shared, west-end balcony.

He drops down, something heavy in his throat, before he can properly think it through. Danny looks up before his feet even touch the ground, like he knew he was there. Jason wonders if he did. There is a cigarette in Danny's mouth. Something old. And something flashes in his eyes that Jason cannot place. Danny looks tense.

Jason feels like he's made a mistake.

In the end, watching Danny walk away feels a lot like Jason is losing something -- or is he missing something? Is it both? He wants to reach out, grab Danny's arm, but his feet are glued to the balcony floor. There are so many things he wants to say, but his tongue has glued itself to the roof of his mouth. Something has crawled into his mouth and died.

So much has been said with so little words. He wants to spin Danny around and ask him so many questions.

What do you mean you spoke to my ghost?

What do you mean I told you the Joker killed me?

What else have I told you?

The Fentons were right?

What happened while I was gone?

Why are you scarred? Where did those come from?

(He is not blind. He saw those silver lightning scars etched into his best friend's skin, saw that it disappeared under his sleeves. Danny did not have those the last time Jason saw him, the last time he was alive.)

(The sight of it makes him alight with murderous intent. He wants to take his best friend by the front of his shirt and shake him -- who did this to you? Who did it? Tell him, he will fix it.)

(But he can't. He doesn't. Doing that means revealing who he is. It means telling his best friend that he has been alive for the last five years and he did not tell him. It would mean telling his best friend that he did not want him to know.)

You're going to kill the Joker for me?

What have I missed?

What do I not know?

You look so tired.

But before he can even get his mouth to move, Danny is gone back inside. The door swinging open, music once muffled now blaring out for only a few seconds before Danny is slipped back inside.

And Jason is left on the balcony, alone, with more questions than he thought he would have. He stares at the broken cigarette on the ground, it feels like a metaphor for something. Jason can't figure out for his second life what it is.

Maybe it's not a metaphor at all, maybe the curtains are sometimes just blue. Maybe sometimes your best friend just tells a vigilante that he is going to murder someone; that he is going to avenge his best friend with his bare hands and feel no remorse for it.

It is what Jason wants Bruce to do, wants someone who loves him to do. But he's not sure if its something he wants Danny to do. Not when he has been living a normal life -- or as normal as it could be -- without hide nor tail knowledge of what Jason used to do, or what he does now.

What have I missed?

Danny. He's missed Danny. He didn't look into Amity Park out of fear of what he'll find; of what he might do. But now Jason thinks he might have to.

Danny has talked to his ghost. Danny is going to kill for him. He has that look in his eyes that Jason knows so familiar; the one where he needs Jason to play distractor while he stole something from the corner store. The one where he looks a kid five years his senior in the eyes and kicks him in the dick because he cornered him and Jason, itching for a fight.

There's a look so familiar in his eyes; the one of a boy that's set his mind to something and he is going to do it. He can't call it the eyes of a cornered animal, because Danny has never been cornered, not when he's been with Jason. He calls it the eyes of a boy about to do something he will never regret.

He watches him leave with the Vlad Masters guy. He hides atop the roof and eavesdrops. The paparazzi have since left now that it was much later in the night; they are not the bigger fish, even if they sometimes parade it to be.

"I thought I told you to make nice." Vlad Masters scowls as he walks to the other side of the sleek black limousine. "To not embarrass me."

Jason frowns at the way he talks. His fingers itch, and something old lurches in his chest: the same old protectiveness that he used to feel whenever he and Danny were about to get into a fight. And then, later, when they would stand inside Bruce's galas with people who couldn't care less if they breathed or died.

Danny scowls right back at him, all venom and bite, and leans against the side of the car. "I did make nice -- as nice as I could when you dragged me here."

Vlad Master rolls his eyes, huffing. Jason's frown only deepens. It's not easy to make Danny do anything he doesn't want to. His sister has tried, so have his parents, as well as his teachers. But Danny is wild and so is Jason. Rebellion and disobedience -- no, independence -- cut into them from the streets like its broken glass.

Jason doesn't remember Danny ever mentioning knowing a Vlad Masters. They must have met after Jason died, then. He doesn't like him. He's the same as all the other socialites in that party. There is a greed in his eyes that Jason knows rots down to the core of him.

"I thought you would enjoy being here, little badger." Masters tries, and his tone makes Jason ruffle. As does the nickname. Danny's scowl only ever deepens, his fingers curling to dig nails into his palms. He looks at Masters like he wants him to burst into flames. "You are friends of the Waynes, I thought you would like the little reunion."

"Whether I did or didn't is none of your business." Danny says. The door clicks open on Masters' side, as if they remembered that they were on the street rather than in the car. Masters climbs into the back, and Danny opens the door. He only reaches in though, and pulls out a old hoodie.

Danny pulls it over his head, and his vest and button-down are hidden underneath it. "Don't wait up you old fruitloop, there's someone here I need to see." And he slams the door shut with more force than necessary.

(Jason makes a mental note to look into Vlad Masters. Who is he to Danny. How did they meet? There is an old animosity between each other that Jason has never seen before. Not even when they were on the streets. Not to this extent.)

Jason's heart seizes up. Danny's reminder early surges to the front of his mind. Right. That's right. He's going to go see him. Jason. He is going to lay flowers on his grave. He remembers that Jason likes zinnias. There are no florists open this late at night, Jason thinks.

He follows Danny from the rooftops. Danny sticks close to the buildings, slipping in and out of shadows. Jason wants to know where he learned how to do that. Where did he learn how to move without a sound?

Five years is a long time to be away from someone, Jason thinks. Something that fills him with dread. Five years is a long, long time. He's afraid that it's been too long. Will he still know Danny like he used to, if he asks? And if he doesn't?

More, more, more. More questions than answers. More things that Jason doesn't know about someone he used know to like the back of his hand. It scares him, and he hates it.

(There is scarring on Danny's hand that Jason has never seen before. Maybe that's the metaphor he was missing before. Maybe there are still more.)

Danny moves like a ghost down Gotham's streets, his hands shoved into his pockets without a care in the world. It is confusing. It is concerning. It is proof that more things have changed than Jason likes.

Danny somehow finds a florist open at this time of night, and buys a bouquet. And like he told the Red Hood, he buys zinnias. Reds and yellows. For a moment, Jason thinks that Danny knows. He wonders if he does.

What would he have told him, if he was a ghost? He told him that the Joker killed him. Maybe that means he told Danny he was Robin too, like he always wanted to. But couldn't, because it wasn't safe, and it wasn't just his secret to tell?

Why has nothing changed, now that he was alive again?

"Did you know," Danny starts, when he sits down at Jason's grave with flowers slipping gently from his fingers, before the tombstone below. Jason is as close as he can without being seen, hiding like a ghost. "That red zinnias mean stead beating of a heart?" He smiles sardonically, "You picked quite the flower, Jay."

(There is an echoing in his ears, Danny's voice faint in the back of his mind. Ghosts can hear you when you speak to their grave, did you know? Jason can hear him better than he should.)

Jason knows the irony. Perhaps it's got double the meaning now, now that he's alive again. Danny doesn't know that though, sitting before his grave with flowers that symbolize a beating heart. Between the two of them, Jason thinks that the only heart here is Danny.

(Between the two of them, the only heart here is one that's made between the two of them.)

"Yellow zinnias," Danny continues, resting his chin in his hand, "mean daily remembrance." His smile tilts on the axis of his mouth, a wrinkle between his brows. He looks pained. Hurt. There is no comment made. Like it doesn't need to be said.

Jason thinks he can hear it anyways, and his heart twists like someone took it and twisted it like a rag, trying to drain the dirty water out of the cloth. He hurts.

I miss you. Is what he hears. Is what Danny doesn't say. Is what Jason knows he's thinking anyways.

I am right here. Is what Jason wants to say, but doesn't. He is right here. But his feet are grave-bound to the floor, and a part of him feels like he's clawing out his own grave again. But the dirt falling is endless and merciless. He can't get free.

He bites his tongue, a lump in his throat. Shame wells in his heart and Jason wants to shrink away from this. His feet are grave-bound to the floor.

"I'm sorry for not visiting sooner." Danny says, hand dropping out of his chin to pick at the ends of his sleeves. His smile fades into a frown. His voice wobbles. "I'm sorry, I don't have an excuse. I should have."

Please don't be. Jason thinks. He doesn't think he can be upset about it, not when Danny is laying yellow flowers on his grave that mean remembrance. i think of you daily. Not when Danny was going to kill the Joker for him.

Jason still doesn't know what to think of that. He still isn't sure if it's real or not.

"I went to one of Bruce's galas today." Danny says, and Jason knows. He saw him there. Danny smiles weakly. "I know, right? First time in five years. Vlad dragged me along, you remember him right?"

No, I don't. Jason thinks, and he feels a flutter of anxiety. A sense of impending doom. A choking dread. What else have I missed? He thinks again. Why doesn't he remember? Danny told him about Vlad, but it can only be from when he was a ghost. How long was he a ghost before he was revived? How often did he and Danny speak?

Jason doesn't like not knowing things, he doesn't like not knowing things about himself.

It would be so easy, a little voice whispers, to reveal himself now. To step forward and take his helmet off. To tell Danny that he was alive. To demand answers that only Danny could know.

But then what? When Danny inevitably asks his own questions? About how long Jason's been alive? Why he was dressed the way he was? Why he didn't say anything earlier, on the balcony?

(But he did say it earlier, when he offered Danny the cigarette and silently asked him for his thoughts.)

Jason is afraid of what Danny might think of him, if he tells him what he's done. About the blood on his hands and the bridges he's burned. What if telling him is just more gasoline on another bridge, with Danny holding the match? He stays silent. Fear is a powerful motivator. It's a powerful deterrent, too.

"The asshole blackmailed me into coming." Danny says, drawing his knees up to his chest. He looks disinterested. Annoyed, actually. Like what he is saying isn't sending alarm bells through Jason's mind. Like what he's saying doesn't concern him. "It's really dumb, actually."

He sighs, long and tired. There is grief etched into every line and pore in his face. "I could have handled it without even needing to come to the gala, I've done it before." He mutters when his eyes open. His fingers brush against the petals of the bouquet.

(And that only sends more alarm bells ringing in Jason's mind. Red lights blaring. Distress fills the cavity of his lungs. What has he missed?)

"I only agreed because I missed you," Danny says, "and Bruce. He invited me to come over sometime soon, to catch up. I agreed and I'm not sure why I did."

Jason didn't know that.

Danny continues talking. Jason listens in dutifully. He feels like a stranger imposing on his own grave. It's ridiculous. It makes sense. He feels like he should slink away and let Danny talk to his grave in peace. He cannot bring himself to move.

If he closes his eyes, he can pretend that he's sitting in front of him, like it's the good old days and they're back in Jason's room in the manor. Staying up late and trading stories back and forth. Sneaking out to the balcony and climbing onto rooftops they’re not supposed to go on. 

Jazz is getting her psychology degree. Him and Sam had a big fight a few years ago, but they’re better now. Tucker wants to start his own tech business. 

And on and on Danny goes, rambling about every little thing he can think of in the last five years since they last talked. He jumps back and forth between topics, when he remembers something he cuts to it. And then jumps back off to the next thought passing through his mind.

"I don't know what I want to do." Danny says, finally, after he exhausts every other topic to talk about. "I wanted to be an astronaut, but now I'm not so sure." His knees draw up to his chin, and he looks so sad. He looks nineteen. Small despite his size.

Were they really just nineteen, verging on twenty? Jason feels older among his years. Fourteen feels so far away.

Danny breathes in slowly, it's a sound that trembles. From where he stands, Jason sees Danny's eyes film over with tears. He makes a choked out sound that sounds like a terrible mix of a laugh and a sob.

"Where did you go?" He whispers. He tries to smile, and it is this pained, awful thing that drops within a second. Fingers clutch at his legs, diggings wrinkles into the fabric. "I know you're still here. Where did you go?"

There is no answer. Guilt is an animal with claws, and it burrows into Jason's heart to make itself home between the tendons. Tears slide from Danny's eyes down his cheeks. He still cries for him, five years later. Five years after. Jason feels worse.

"I haven't stopped looking for you." Danny continues, his voice cracks, and the words run over Jason's ears like water sliding off a duck's back. He doesn't hear it at first -- no, he doesn't understand it at first. And then when he does, he plunges his hands into the waters of his mind to drudge it back up.

You're looking for me? Do you know I'm alive?

It's another question to Jason's never-ending list.

"You might as well tell me where you are now." He smiles again; tries to. It wobbles, lips pulling back to show teeth as more tears spill over and carve red marks down Danny's face. "Or I'll find Cujo and sick him on you. He's gettin' real good at tracking things you know."

Jason doesn't know who Cujo is. But it sounds like a dog. He knows Danny's always wanted one, but their apartments would never allow it. It's not like his parents could afford one either.

There is a silence that hangs over them, with only the sound of the city around them. Danny seems to tremble more and more as each second passes, until finally a bubble pops. His smile drops, and so do his knees that were pressed into his chest.

He doesn't say a thing, not with words anyways. He hunches over and hugs himself with nails that dig into his elbows, failing to stifle a years' old grief. Jason wants to flee, lest he breaks his word to himself and steps out to console and dry Danny's falling tears. It feels like a betrayal unto himself to only stand there and watch him drown in his grief.

Guilt is a thing with claws, and Jason leaves the cemetery with hatred eating his tongue. Danny deserves the privacy that a ghost cannot give him. Jason may no longer be a ghost, but he is still the next best thing. either way I'm left holding onto the shovel and rope digging in the dirt finding bones, finding ghosts