#but knowing stuff about how autistic people have made their lives easier helps me make my life easier also and i dont think we need to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mueritos · 1 year

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Hi! As a fellow trans dude who has recently discovered his autism at the ripe old age of 26, I can wholly sympathize with how you’re feeling right now. Everyone’s experiences are different, but from what you described we have very similar ones. I get extremely overwhelmed in loud, cramped situations to the point of losing speech, I get irritable and angry when planned events don’t adhere to my scheduled expectations, and certain frequencies (like clattering cutlery, loud drum beats through speakers, etc) make my nerves go haywire. What I can say is that you don’t have to call yourself autistic if you aren’t comfy with that, however it may help to learn and lean into autistic coping mechanisms for overstimulation (which sounds like that is happening during those social situations) like acquiring stim toys to help regulate, bring sensory dampeners like ear plugs (loop is a great company that makes ear plugs that block out certain frequencies for different situations), and listen to your body and your mind. If you can tell you’re starting to shut down, don’t force yourself to be like everyone else and stay if that isn’t what you want/can handle. It took me a long time to accept that I’m NOT like neurotypical people and i don’t have to pretend like I am just to fit in with the vibe. Do what feels best for you and your needs — no one else’s opinion is more important than that. If you find that you really do want to stay but can tell you’re shutting down, sometimes taking a break in a quiet space like a bathroom can help, and you can return after feeling better. I also highly recommend finding someone you trust in those situations who can help you leave if necessary. Whether it’s literally getting you out, or making it more socially acceptable/comfortable for you, I can personally attest to how much better it is when you can confide in someone about your needs in those moments and allowing them to assist you. Also, if it helps to know, I am not formally diagnosed as autistic for a variety of reasons, namely the things that can be denied of those with a formal diagnosis (like gender affirming care), but I have several autistic friends who have helped guide me to this conclusion and my life is much better for it. I know who I am and why I am Like This, and every day is easier knowing the ways I can actually help myself instead of questioning why I’m not like “everyone else”. I don’t need a diagnosis for that, and I’m happier this way. If you don’t want one either, that’s okay. Being autistic comes with a lot of ups and downs, but truly learning how to live with your brain and the way it works can lead you to so much light. The first time I let myself stim out of joy was a euphoric experience. I promise you that being autistic isn’t all sensory overload. I wish you all the best on this journey <3

thank you 😭 this is really sweet and really really helpful. I don't think I'm looking for a diagnosis either, mostly because I doubt most places I can get one will fully respect me or my experiences. I also don't want it to impede on getting GA care. Other than that, I feel like these symptoms have prolly been around for a long time, but it wasn't until a few years ago that I've been able to focus on them because HRT has made me have less turmoil. I guess my brain decided now was the time to start unraveling these experiences.

I relate though, and I genuinely dislike when plans are thrown off schedule or when things don't go the way I expect them to. It has made me rigid and become irritable when things change. For example, i was at a party that I was told would end at 10, except no one left, and I felt forced to stay an extra 2 hrs and I become overstimmed and silent. Other times it has happened when I already have a low social battery, and someone wants to be spontaneous and go do more social stuff.

I will say I have been focusing more on letting myself stim as well. I rock and fidget a lot more than I used to, and I rock forward quickly and sometimes shake my hands when I'm laughing (it's a lot easier to hide it when I'm laughing). Other times, I rock forward and shake my hands as I'm about to eat because i'm so excited. (I love food!!!!). It's also been in the way I process stuff, like taking things literally, delays in hearing, not being able to multi-task, being angry at being interrupted/distracted, being detail orientated, and I seek and avoid certain sensory stuff that aligns with other common autistic experiences (avoid bright lights/heavy noise, but seek pressure and low stimulation).

but I thank you for your input, it definitely makes me feel a lot better about having these experiences and also not being sure about taking on a label or not...i know self-dx is just as valid as an official diagnosis, but I can't deny these experiences and I also can't deny that autistic ways to cope with the world and with stimulation is working with me. It helps to learn about other people's experiences and compare it with mine, but also to know there are a lot of people in the same boat who are unsure or questioning :,)

#muertoresponds #asd #self suspecting autism #ty ty honestly #it really makes me feel better

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radellama · 11 days

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1, 8, 14, and 24!

1. Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

Definitely a huge preference towards multi chaptered fics, as I tend to get long winded and my works become expansive. My one shots end up pretty long anyway, but I'll just write what feels applicable to the fic...

And since I'm mostly thinking about really big stories, chapters just work best for me. Plus, when I'm putting more effort into the chapters, I love to organise all the little details and developments I want for everything, micro and macro 😏

8. Do you prefer the beginning, middle, or end of a story?

Middle. It's where the meat of it is, where most the scenes I'm imagining as concepts will go... I enjoy beginnings and ends too, but to me a beginning or end being so memorable is due to remembering it with the context of the middle parts. If the middle isn't worth reading, why would I put effort into opening and closing it either, yknow?

14. how do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

Man. This is tricky to answer... I keep writing and rewriting my answer to this, but I don't think there's a way to keep it brief.

I'm autistic, so the way I approach and understand emotions is inherently different. I can understand what causes emotions, and I can understand actions informed by emotions, but there's something about emotional behaviour as a whole that I struggle with- for myself and when observing others. Writing emotional scenes in fiction is like a sandbox at times, I can do whatever I want; change the stakes, change the characters response, put limits on their behaviour in context... Anything. And this can make it easier, and harder. What I value the most when writing characters is that they feel authentic and driven. I want THEIR lived context up until that scene to inform the way they'd behave, and often I'll have character outlines for myself when writing bigger and more complex stuff to help with this. I don't really approach writing an emotional scene with the emotions at the forefront, I think I focus on the objective of that scene first, and then break it down into what characters will present internally and externally. Any emotions present will make themselves known, the same way the vibe of a house becomes a home as you start to live in it.

A lot of people are emotionally immature, too, so I don't find it very authentic (or interesting) to write scene upon scene of characters doing corporate therapy talk as they work through things. I don't mind the challenge of trying to construct something emotionally charged, I think I did a pretty good job in the first chapter of my star trek au to demonstrate the emotions of each character and how that conflicted and contrasted with everyone (and hope that it does it's intended job of outlining the characters and providing a base for how far they'll develop later in the story...) I usually know what I want and will spend time figuring out how it's going to happen, and fill in the emotional responses as I'm 'reading the room' of the scene. There have been times where I've written something emotional, and while understanding that it is emotional and putting effort into conveying it, I'm still very surprised when people tell me that it made them emotional. Idk, it's hard to really articulate this clearly, but in the same way I spend ages writing and rewriting dialogue for my characters so that it feels authentic and flows in the way I want, I do that with the emotions of the scene and how I want to demonstrate the characters reacting and processing the emotion. It's iteration upon iteration, built up over a lot of agonising over certain word choices.

I don't think I ever feel what my characters feel as I write them, I have a bit more of a detached feeling because I'm the author. I can feel sympathetic towards the characters, and understand or feel similarly, but I'm not them, so I won't feel it to the full extent... All stories are inherently voyeuristic, to varying degrees, and that sense of peering into a curated version of events and certain characters mindsets can be quite intimate. I'm just relaying that intimacy with the characters and story, and I feel my own way about it, which is different to the characters I'm writing, and probably very different to people who read what I wrote.

And as for personal experiences... I draw on them in a sense of 'write what you know.' And this isn't a literal 'only write what you yourself have experienced,' cause let's be real, even in biographical media, it's dramatised and you haven't literally experienced the exact same. Instead, talking more broadly, I know how I live my life as a person, and have been keenly watching, observing and joining others in their lives too. When you're writing creatively, you have to use that creative muscle to figure out how characters will react. Unlike my OC Harland, I haven't gone through a heartbreak and betrayal so great that it is a deciding factor in a war I want no part in- but, I have had to cut ties with people I used to call friends because they're acting in ways I can't understand or condone, I've felt stressed over when friend groups split and there's a background assumption that you need to pick sides, and I've felt the weight of knowing certain decisions I make will be responsible for more than just myself. I'm not Harland, dealing with the emotional climax of his story, but I am me, and I can use my lived/observed experiences to inform how he would act as a base, and construct him in all his complexity by comparing his reactions to mine. It's easy to go 'I wouldn't have done that;' so you gotta take the time to think on why you wouldn't have, and why that person did.

Anyway, you see why this is tricky for me to answer lol. I think there's some weird internal logic I have that makes me approach this kinda stuff from a more detached and critical view, so I have to put effort into understanding all aspects of what's going on. And that's just in my day to day, so at least when writing I can put those skills to use for something entertaining!

24. Worst writing advice anyone ever gave you?

This is hard, cause I try to ignore advice that I don't think is applicable, and promptly forget once I've moved on.

I guess I'll say something that I heard discussed a lot when I was studying film, and what I heard people parroting when I mentioned them, which was to 'not get tropey.'

I HATE that trope means the same thing as cliche to everyone, cause they're not the same. A trope is simply how you describe the particulars of a situation in fiction, and you can use them to help figure out what sort of genre your work belongs to and what your target audience will be. Trying to avoid tropes is like trying to build a brick house without bricks. Cliches, on the other hand, are when a certain trope has become so overdone that you know exactly how something will play out, and it's become stale due to seeing it too much. And in my observation, tropes become cliche when the writers are just copying what works without thinking about WHY it works, or how it applies to the narrative. You absolutely should get tropey with it, cause how else will you have a story? The important part is that you're not just going through the motions of what's commonly used in the type of story you're writing, and instead working on purposefully including what you put to page.

Idk if that's clear enough to those who haven't studied film/narrative in some capacity, so I'll say what my response was when students would ask for help avoiding tropes in their screenplays in our mentoring sessions: don't worry about the hypothetical audience reaction before you've finished writing the story. Don't think about tropes and cliches and whatever else we use when deconstructing a narrative to analyse it, you haven't got a finished story to analyse. Just write the story you want to tell, and be deliberate about it. Everything's been done before, but this story hasn't been done your way yet, so just focus on your writing first.

Send some asks from here

#rads asks #darksideofthemamon #thank youuuuu these were really great questions #i ended up getting rambly and long winded but... that's what ya get lol

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peapod20001 · 1 year

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I finally finished the playlist!!! 😭

^^^ that’s the link for it btw lol ^^^

It took way more days than it should have but! It’s done and I can finally share it!!!

Under the read more I’m putting how each song fits for their story thing, like why I chose it and stuff. You can just listen to the playlist on its own of course BUT I’d really appreciate if you gave the descriptions a read, I spent a long time on this as I’m sure you’ve noticed 😭 also, it’s fucking LONG so uh!! Rip your dash I’m so sorry 😭

I’ve color coded the song titles so it’ll be easier to tell which song goes with who, Felix is pink and Mason is orange. Some of the songs have to do with both and I’ll color them accordingly :>

Oh and one more thing, some of these songs/descriptions go over abusive relationships, negative thoughts about oneself, misgendering, drug/medication abuse, violence, murder, suicidal thoughts, and sex, so if none of that is really your cup of tea than I suggest you tread lightly!

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

Why be normal when I could just be neurodivergent and sad?

1. “Sugarcoat” : Felix is an autistic trans girl, though nobody that knows her knows that. To them she’ll always be the nice young man with all A’s that seemingly everyone gets along with, and that’s all they will ever know if she can help it.

2. “Alien Blues” : Mason is the type to say whatever is on his mind, whether the outcome of that is good...depends. The people that like him like him, and the people that hate him do so with a burning passion. Having ADHD is hard on its own, pair that with issues stemming from bouncing between foster homes that think he’s a nuisance and you’ve got yourself Mason!

AGH HELP IM...FEELING THINGS?!? 💘

3. “Lookin’ for a Love” : He’s seen how love looks before, lovers gazing into each other’s eyes and holding each other close. Oh how he longs for that! Maybe one day he’ll get to experience that too, his only fear is scaring his only chance at love away...

4. “Love is Gross” : She caught a glimpse of him one day, he had this big goofy smile as he made a fool of himself to his friends. He’s so...sparkly, how could she have never seen him before? Or, maybe she had but just didn’t really pay attention until now. Why does she keep staring? He’s so loud...and so himself...does she want to be like him or does she want to be with him?

5. “Someday (The Crush Song) : “I must tell him how I feel! He’s so great and he’s so cute! Yes, I’ll do it today! Actually no, maybe tomorrow, yes! Tomorrow I’ll tell him! Wait no, I have something that day...the day after then! Yes, wait, no-“

6. “Accidental Thoughts” : (this is their first real meeting! Awh!) “He’s so pretty up close...his eyes are purple and beautiful and his skin is so pink and smooth and perfect...he hasn’t told me to shut up yet, that’s a good sign yeah! Maybe he’ll want to be my friend...I really wanna hold his hand... he doesn’t really talk a lot, I don’t want to scare him...”

Where have you been all my life...

7. “Fading / Falling” : They had been friends for some time by now. One day Felix got asked by Mason to be his boyfriend, the answer to that was no...but she’d love to be his girlfriend! Felix didn’t think she could fall any harder, but everything about that sparkly boy makes her look forward to seeing the next morning

8. “Dear Irene” : He’s so happy with her... she’s better than every girl in the movies, really, truly. He can already see the life he’ll live with her, and he’d have it no other way!

9. “We’ll Never Have Sex” : She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t afraid of his love being fake... who could love someone like...her? But the way he talks about her... he says everything on his mind, and everything out of his mouth is so genuine and sweet, and their first kiss leaves her breathless. And he’s never asked or pressured her for more than what she’s comfortable with... how is she so lucky?

10. “Lavender gardens” : They finally went on their first real date, and immediately got lost. They’re trying their best to make light of it all though, Felix talks about what flowers she wants to grow in her hypothetical garden, and Mason can only think about how beautiful her lavender eyes are...

11. “Smitten With You” : (this song has some explicitly stated sex things just FYI lol) Felix REALLY wants to do things with Mason, but she’s just too nervous to ask him... maybe one day she’ll get the courage, but for now all she can do is daydream about it

12. “Heaven” : (this song has implied sex things in some lines, but other than that it’s fine) Bit tmi but they’re finally able to have their intimate moment together like they’ve both dreamed. It’s not what most would consider the best experience, but they’ve got their whole lives to do better. For now though, it’s perfect

13. “She Loves Cats and I Love Her” : He loves her so much, and she loves him, but she’s having trouble loving herself lately. He noticed when those thoughts of hers started, how could he not? He doesn’t understand when she has trouble believing the compliments he gives her, she’s perfect! How could she think otherwise? He notices one day how some other students have begun picking on her, is it because she’s with him? Why should that matter? She doesn’t deserve to be treated that way! Why does her loving him make her less than? And why do people keep taking out their hatred of him on her?

14. “Ugly” : She was late meeting up with him one day, that horrible day, so he went to look for her. He was horrified to find her beaten to a pulp, getting thrown into the bushes by a group of assholes. He was able to chase them off, he probably would have tried fighting them all himself if it weren’t for Felix being hurt there. She was humiliated more than anything, thinking only, “He shouldn’t have seen me like this...” She cried a lot, begging to be taken home, home of course being the abandoned house they’ve made their safe space. He wanted to treat her wounds, but she refused to show him. He could barely get her to open up about what had happened, and he only got more pissed after hearing everything. Without hesitation, he told her, “Just say the word, and I’ll make them regret what they did to you”

“...I want them dead”

Embrace the new you, it’s the true you 🩸

15. “Original Sin” : When she said she wanted them dead, she didn’t entirely mean ACTUALLY dead. Still though, seeing those kids bound and gagged made her heart race. “They deserve this” she thought. The way they looked at her awoke something... dark within her “Theres no reason for them to exist in this world” her mind was already made, they needed to be eliminated. She grabbed the axe Mason prepared for her like second nature, it was lightweight, but she knew she could make it hurt “Let’s see how you like it!!”

16. “Serve With a Smile” : The first time wasn’t entirely planned or executed very well. The next few times however, will be. She spends a decent amount of time over the next couple months planning how to take out others that’ve wronged her and her love. She will make them pay, and if she’s planned well enough, nobody will ever even notice her and Mason were involved at all...

17. “Killer” : Felix had started posting videos online showcasing her creative talents and curated personality. She actually started growing a decent following from it, and it makes her, happy? She really doesn’t care too much about it right now though, what she really looks forward to are the faces of those who thought they could get away with their misdeeds. Oh the shock and fear on their faces give her such ecstasy! She gets excited at the thought of her baby taking those people down, she knows he’ll give them what they deserve

18. “Mr. Happy” : Mason takes on his role in Felix’s schemes with pride, he even tries his best at teaching their newest additions about their lives and their mission! He’s gotten bigger over the last few months too, Felix convinced him to start working out and take “medicine” to help make him stronger. He does this without question, why would he question her? He trusts Felix with his life, and if you’re questioning her intentions then maybe he should make you disappear too...

19. “Vendetta” : It’s been a little over a year since they began this new chapter of their lives together. All of those kids are long gone at this point, and they’ve since shifted their focus to others that are less than good. Things get rocky between them sometimes, Felix is very set on her ideas and Mason keeps trying to do his own thing, but they always make up afterwards!

20. “Psycho Killer” : Felix is so on edge lately, is it from her growing internet popularity or is the stress of killing getting to her? She’s gotten so snippy at Mason too, getting annoyed at him blabbering on and on about seemingly nothing. She’s gotten more brutal with victims too, trying out new torture methods on them. But she still loves Mason... she still loves him...

21. “My Baby” : Mason notices the way his baby talks to him, like she’s annoyed at his existence. She gets on his ass every time he does something wrong, but that’s understandable! Of course she’d be upset, if he slips and they get caught they can’t be together anymore! He’s making excuses for her, he can’t get mad at her, he still loves her. Even when she tells him she has dreams about them both dying he doesn’t get scared, he has thoughts like that too! That just shows you how perfect they are for each other!! How much they love each other!!

THIS IS LOVE, THIS IS LOVE-!

22. “Don’t Mess With Me” : (there’s some sex hinting/mention here) It’s been two years already and Schadenfreude has let fame, fortune, and power get to her head. It’s rare to hear anything genuinely nice come out of her mouth, even more so to see a smile not tainted by manipulation and hate. She’s holding love above Mason’s head, like it’s something he needs to earn. She’s treating him like a tool, “If you do a good job, I’ll give you a reward~” She gives made up reasons for why everyone they kill now has to die, all she cares about is the drug like high she gets from their screams-!

23. “all I want is you” : Mace is so CLINGY and NEEDY. Every thought in his fucking head is about her. Even when she calls him names and gets him pissed, he can’t help but still love her. Even when she hits him he can’t get upset, her punches don’t really do anything. He has to force himself not to hit back, he really could hurt her and he doesn’t want that! There’s no point thinking about how they used to be, all that’ll do is get him pissed, and the only way to let of steam is slashing some poor bastards throat-!

24. “Love” : Three years now, three years of emotions and hurt and death. She’s begun to love hurting Mace too. Is there any shred left of the girl she used to be? The girl he loved? That dark look behind her eyes can’t really be her, can it? “Look how pathetic you are! Are you just that desperate? You want me THAT bad? HAHA-! Really, why don’t you do something helpful for once and MAYBE I’ll think about giving you what you want so fucking bad”

25. “This Is Love” : Mace is starting to yell and pick fights, and he’s looming over her now too. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he wants to hurt her, but it’s taking every fiber of his being not to. He’s clingy, obsessive, possessive. He doesn’t like seeing her around, but he hates seeing her leave. He goes off on his own to take out people he feels are too close to his baby, and Schadenfreude doesn’t seem to have noticed how close he is to boiling over...

26. “Meant to be Yours” : It all comes to a head one night. Mace declares that he knows how to fix all of the problems in their relationship, all he has to do is kill off everyone that took his baby from him! It may be well into the hundreds but he doesn’t care, if it wins her back he’ll kill thousands! Millions! Schadenfreude, obviously, was absolutely gobsmacked by this, “What the hell are you going on about now??” You can see the desperation on his face, “What?? This will FIX us!! If I do this, we can be us again!!” Mace’s body shadows Schadenfreude, she forgot just how, big he is. He moves towards her, “C’mon baby!! I know you still love me... even if you don’t anymore, I’d MAKE you!”

“What...?” She looks, scared. He moves closer, she steps back “What are ya doin’ baby...? I thought you loved me???” She looks for an escape, their “safe space” seems less safe in this moment, “what are you doin’?? You’re MINE!! You think you can just get me to fall for you and then RUN AWAY?!?” She runs when she sees him grab his axe, the same one he’s used to kill so many others, the same one they used to kill those that hurt them so long ago.

She knows this house by heart, she runs to the room with a working lock and shuts herself inside, Mace is already on the other side by the time she backs away. “FELIX-! Felix, baby... c’mon please, open the door please? I’ll be good, I don’t want to fight you...” you can hear the jostling of the knob and the creaking off the door start to get more aggressive, “If you don’t open this door, I’ll just have to fucking break it down!!”

True to his word he tore through the door with his axe like a knife through butter, only to find that... Schadenfreude isn’t there. She was able to squeeze herself through a window to escape, and she’s long gone by now. Mace doesn’t know where her new house is, and he doesn’t know what to do now that she’s gone. She was his EVERYTHING!!! How could she leave him?!? He can’t be alone!!! His emotions are too much to handle on his own...so he ends up taking the life of some poor souls that night to cope...

What have I done...?

27. “No More Shame, No More Fear, No More Dread” : That night was so cold, so...dark. You may not believe it but...it’s like a switch was flipped in her head. She’s horrified as she remembers all that she’s done...to herself... to others... to.....her love...! She weeps to herself, how could she have let herself get this bad? What happened?? She can’t blame anyone but herself, not the “man” claiming her only purpose was to cleanse the world, and she definitely can’t blame Mason. He may have tried to...kill her but, that’s only because she pushed him to that point... she’s made up her mind, she needs to make things right again

28. “Chamber of Reflection” : Felix and Mason haven’t seen each other for some time now. After their last fight, Felix has decided that they...needed to spend some time apart. She finally calls him one night and explains what they have to do now. She was a bit scared about making that call, what if he’s more angry than she left him? She was startled to find, however, that Mason was sad, and depressed more than anything. The “medicine” she had been giving him for so long were actually steroids, and suddenly going cold turkey left Mason with severe depression, amplified by being left alone...

29. “It’s Alright” : Mason is crying apologies over the phone, he feels terrible about everything he did! He tells her he’s a monster, he tells her he doesn’t want to wake up in the morning...

Felix shuts that down fast. She explains how he didn’t know what he was doing, he wasn’t himself, that everything bad he did was only brought on by her own selfish actions. It takes some time but, she’s finally able to convince him that there’s still good in him, and that they’ll both be able to become better

30. “Little Words” : It’s time for them to hang up, but Mason begs Felix to stay on. He whimpers over the speaker that he can’t make it by himself...he can’t live without her. She gets choked up, she can’t believe she’s hurt him so bad that he feels he needs her to live. She’s silent for a moment, then she asks if he’d like her to sing him to sleep? She never thought of herself as having a beautiful voice, but he loved hearing her sing anyways. He desperately wanted to hear her voice, he pressed his face against the speaker as close as the world would let him, and she tried her hardest not to let the tears in her eyes be heard through her singing.

Sometimes, it has to get worse before it can get better

31. “Heavy” : They were together for so long, not having him around hurts so bad. She knows this is what they need, though, they need to reflect and become better. That doesn’t make this separation any easier though...

32. “Mea Culpa” & 33. “For the First Time” : Mason is getting better, his thoughts are becoming his own again. He often thinks about how bad he was to Felix. He wants to get better for her! He will get better for her! He’s trying not to be so clingy, bad old habits are hard to break, you know how it is. She’s doing a good job at following through with their separation at least.

34. “Love Song” : They’ve started talking on the phone again, and things are going well! Their conversations aren’t about anything in particular, Mason goes on and on about whatever he’s interested in and Felix listens intently, it’s just like how they used to be

35. “Dead Girl Walking” : (The actual song stats at 1:05) Felix suddenly remembers, “OH SHIT. I LEFT NICK AND NEEDY” unsurprisingly, shit went down while she was gone. Needy is dead at the bottom of a flight of stairs and Nick is nowhere to be found. She rushes home and calls Mason, they need to disappear before Nick rats them out! (That’s what she thinks Nick would do anyway) While trying to plan out what to do, Felix realizes something. If they’re going to get caught anyways, why not just spend their last days together...? There’s no need to convince Mason, he’s already on his way! They’re excited to see each other in person again, to hold each other, to breathe each other again. They notice how the other had changed, longer hair, some weight gain between them both, they look happy! They’re on each other like nothing bad had ever transpired between them, and they’re able to say the first genuine I love you’s in a long time.

36. “Baby You’re Out” : While in his arms, Felix talks about all she regrets, she still feels so awful over everything. Mason is able to convince her about the silver lining of it all

37. “Turn and Go” : Felix decided what she needs to do, she’ll leave all the fame behind so she can spend time with her love! She’s only further convinced this is the right decision when the reaction to her departure is so negative

38. “Go Easy” : Mason is worried for Felix, he’s scared that the world may be too hard on his baby, or that she may be too hard on herself. He makes up his mind that he’ll protect her from all the negativity the world may throw at her, in a reasonable non-murder way of course

Let’s live happy now 💕

39. “My Pug” : To say Felix is absolutely in love would be an understatement. She missed this, she missed having him by her side, and she missed holding him close. She doesn’t need anything special or expensive, all she needs is her happy darling

40. “Side / Side” : Mason loves Felix so dearly, from the moment they first laid eyes on each other in school, to the moment they die. They’ll never be without each other again, they’ll never be alone in this world again

#about my ocs #oc playlist #oc Felix #oc Mason

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ramreboot · 1 year

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Answering random OC questions!

I'm using an OC question generator to talk about Dr. Mul! Learn more about him Against Your Will

Is your oc an optimist, a pessimist or a realist? Any reasons for this?

More of a pessimist who tries to reason himself as acting like a realist. Also it's easier to be pleasantly surprised than sorely let down. Him being a pessimist is him having low expectations

Optimism? Hope? With THAT trauma??? Losing his mom and guardian at a young age AND having everyone but an Italian milf at his workplace think of him as the literal devil means he's lucky if life throws him any crumbs

What was your oc's first date with their current partner(s) like?

With lil glorble smorble Cam(they/he)?

I don't have specifics in mind but Mul was definitely Awkward. It was only recently he got friends AND he now has a bf???? When he was 14 till now he lived alone with crows

It's probably a dinner date because Mul is a superb chef and he feels that it's his One redeeming quality so he hinges onto that. Mul definitely tries to make everything perfect and has made flowcharts to analyse for conversational purposes and disaster preparation

I think Mul does mess up a bit but it's like a romcom moment. They find his nervousness cute. I mean look at him. A towering man whose first impression to everyone (Cam included) was that he was intimidating and Not To Be Fucked With, now fidgeting & stuttering like a lil guy

"Me and the soft bitch I pulled in by being autistic"

This is especially considering he and Cam didn't get off to a good start. Cam woke up all bruised and damaged being nursed in an unfamiliar location, a stranger's house, & just found out his mom died.

Mul, being autistic & never getting a chance/knowing how to properly grieve: um

So yeah at first Cam thought Mul was callous. But after seeing Mul's struggles and attempts (and God damn does he try SO HARD) to support and care for Cam during their recovery process, and how much he tries to accommodate for them, Cam is just 🥺

How does your oc react to someone else pulling open the curtains unprompted?

Startled. Then he asks them why, and unless if the reason was valid, with subdued irritation tells them to please ask his permission next time

Doesn't matter if the sun was glaring or if it's night, don't touch stuff in his house without valid reason or permission. He may be surprisingly generous in making accommodations, but he's still very particular!!

Has your oc ever done something illegal, and if so, what kind(s) of thing(s) have they done?

Murder when he was like. A Child. For a few occasions. But otherwise because he lives secluded from public society in a magically closed off forest and minds his own business, no crime

Does your oc eat the crusts of their pizza?

Yes. But only with sauce, and he makes his own sauce. Man makes his own hollandaise and garlic mayo and what have you

The only rare occasion where he doesn't need a dip would be if the crust was its own flavorful bread

Is your oc competitive? How well do they deal with losing?

ONLY in cooking. And even then, only mildly competitive. Hell be in denial though, and just says he wants to pay respect to the craft and knowledge others have so diligently spread to the world

You'd think he'd maybe be a bit competitive in exorcism considering that was initially his purpose for living, to put his demonic abilities to use & help people to compensate for the sorry, disgusting being he is

But nah. He just views it as a job that needs to be done

He'll be a bit grumpy when he loses in a cooking battle. He'll just nod and say "OK" and try to move on like nothing happened skdhjshsn

Maybe he'll pay respects to his opponent, especially if he was impressed

Let's say Grace bought Monopoly and the gang are playing it. As for losing in regular games, you can see the Autism™

He's just like "Huh. So that happened huh" and that's it

And sometimes he'd be interested in knowing why! It's in the autism blood to know Why

He'd be interested in knowing what chain of events lead to his loss. What causes and effects there are. It's also just a way for him to talk and socialise more with his friends

How many hours of sleep does your oc need in order to function normally?

OH BOY BIG LORE TIME

Whenever Mul sleeps, he almost always has nightmares. They often trigger PTSD attacks, mostly sending him into demon sicko mode. If he's lucky he just wakes up crying

So he avoids sleep as much as he can. He's no human, so he's more immune. He'll go a week without sleep and would just look & operate like a grumpy guy who didn't have a good night's sleep

Sometimes he takes naps. Naps short enough to just graze the REM period so he doesn't dream

He'll take naps when his eyes are feeling dryer or he's getting headaches. He'll sleep once he starts hallucinating or when his motor functions make him clumsier. You can't be clumsy in his line of work, especially as an eliminator exorcist

FYI tangent: when exorcists can't exorcise poltergeists off to the afterlife because they're too far gone, they call in eliminators and they just. Obliterate them out of existence

How can you kill something that's already dead? How can you completely destroy something's existence?

Therefore, eliminators are incredibly valuable and rare due to the job's difficulty. When an eliminator is called, you know shit has hit the fan. You can't make mistakes

So yeah every 1-1.5 weeks Mul sleeps for 8-10 hours and prepares for the worst. He has safety measures for if he has an episode

Does your oc snore?

Nope! He's a quiet sleeper, but he does vocalise a bit. Almost never comprehensible words. It's like he's just making little noises. Sometimes a small squeak or a whimper, but all are quiet sounds

When experiencing a nightmare, he can mutter words with 1 syllable and have them sound comprehensive, and sometimes words with 2 syllables

Thank you for reading if you've made it this far! Will post more once I can!

#shep oc #shep oc mul #shep mulling over #shep mulling over lore #shep oc lore dump #oc questions #oc writing

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pixelmightbeneurodivergent · 2 years

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4-30-2022

OKAY SO—

If I am autistic, and I am possibly going through a hyperfixation period or something—

Then, my special interest has to be zodiac signs. It has got to be and I have proof:

I have never been interested in zodiac sign than I have right now. I learned about them sometime in middle school when I asked my mom what’s mine, but after that I never grew a further interest in them. Sure during middle school I had a brief period where I talked about them with my friends, where I thought I knew about the big three ones, but I personally knew I was just making stuff up to look cool in front of my friends and I didn’t care too much to learn more about them.

But now my love for them is so fucking intense I can’t handle it— it’s like I’ll die if I don’t know my family and friends entire astrological chart. It’s not just with them, It’s for every living or non-living being I come across. Even with fucking animals I try and check the date they were born to know their zodiac signs. With celebrities I don’t know or particularly care about, with celebrities I do know and do care about, I search up their Astro-chart and it’s easier for me because their famous so they’re bound to have their chart up somewhere on the internet for me to gaze at.

I can’t control it at all. Anyone I meet, living or non-living, human or animal, I have to know their zodiac sign and their chart.

On Pinterest, searching up my zodiac sign and it’s facts brings me such great joy I can’t help it. It literally brightens up my mood and I can’t stop looking at it. Even if it’s fake I don’t give a shit, it makes me happy and it’s my main source of happiness right now.

On TikTok, I followed this one guy that does zodiac stuff that I was following before. I even wondered to myself, “why wasn’t I following him before?”, I know why. Because I wasn’t this obsessed with him before but now I am, all because he does zodiac stuff.

I know autistic people use their special interests to communicate with others — and I do that as well. I ask people for their date of birth and their location and time of birth so I can learn about their astrochart and learn more about them so I communicate with them better or communicate in a way they might possibly want me to. I do it so I can be nicer and more accommodating to my friends instead of possibly being mean without realizing it.

I’ve dragged all my friends into my special interest out of my control. I did it with the intention to learn more about them. They’ve made fun of me for it too — one of them joked with my other friend about “I don’t ask people their zodiac signs at the first greeting” and then they both looked straight at me and said my name. I didn’t have the heart to tell them I felt embarrassed and ashamed for bothering them with asking them about their zodiacs, so I just stopped asking that specific friend. In fact, I stopped talking to that friend in general unless she talked to me first, but that’s a different story.

I’ve heard special interests change sporadically and last long times — my current special interest had started sometime last year between September-December. That’s a couple of months, and it’s still going, I don’t know how long it’s gonna last. It’s not like I can stop it, it’s the one thing that makes me extremely happy.

My other special interests at the moment could be my own ocs and their story, and Danganronpa, but that’s for another post.

#possibly autistic #pixel speaks #hyperfixation #special interest

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viklikesfic · 5 months

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some rambling observations about being an autistic fan

So I've been thinking a lot about ✨The History of the Internet✨ lately, and in particular the history of how fans find community, and I thought I'd share these observations into the void. I'd be curious to know others' experiences!

Specifically, I'm thinking about how my autistic way of communicating and socializing maps (or doesn't) to fannish norms and how that's changed over the years.

Some facts about my specific neurotype (because every neurodivergent brain is different!):

I strongly dislike small talk, but I LOVE going on at length with someone about a special interest.

Shared SQUEEE is super affirming to me.

I tend to think in systems and lists, so I love to do things like think through the details of worldbuilding.

I'm on the ace spectrum, and I both experience a lot of my sexuality through my muses and interacting on their behalf and don't really have a personal feeling of desire towards actors (and sometimes squee based in sexual attraction makes me uncomfortable because it feels like I'm misrepresenting my own identity if folks don't get the whole muse thing).

I have highly variable spoons and social anxiety.

I tend to hoard information, and if I like a creator I want to see EVERYTHING they put out, and it makes me anxious to think about missing things.

Okay, cool, so given all that, here's how I've experienced socializing in fandom, and what I'm realizing in retrospect about how different "waves" of this map to my communication and social needs. Note that the "waves" are just how I personally interacted with fandom, of course your mileage may vary!

Wave One (2004ish-2008ish): LiveJournal, mostly. In this era, I was primarily interacting through LJ, and finding fic on random sites around the Internet. I didn't have a ton of sense of connection to other fans, except those I met in real life.

Wave Two (2008ish-2013ish): Dreamwidth, Ao3, and RP. And then DW and Ao3 were born, and choirs of angels rejoiced. This was my personal golden era. First, DW, where I started forming more personal connections through a journal site and its communities. This was the point at which I felt like I actually knew people through being "mutuals," and I generally tried to read everything on my feed, interacting regularly. I went to ConTxT a few times and met fans in person, as well as a few local hangouts hosted by fans. I also started RPing in this era, and for a few years spent regular time in an AIM chatroom pretty much daily with RP partners. I started dating two people long distance from this group, and most of my friends were here. Ao3 also came out in this era and made reading fic SO much easier. My brain fucking loves a database and structured tagging! I also did a bunch of prompt challenges, big bangs, and the like, which I think really helped structure my participation in fandom. Through co-writing I was getting a lot of my sexual needs met (though I didn't really understand that at the time, since it wasn't "real") and the nature of the RP chatroom meant that I could focus on a fictional world and building relationships there, which was far more interesting to me than hearing about the minutae of people's lives.

Wave Three (2014ish-now): Since that golden era, I've mostly been engaging with fandom just through writing and reading, with the exception of one fantastic RP partner I met two years ago through the comments on my fic, who's become one of my best friends. I tried Discord for a little while, but got super overwhelmed. Creating a Tumblr, I'm noticing how spoiled I've been by Ao3! I'm so used to engaging with fic in a way that I can easily see when there's new stuff, and it's really freaking me out that I can't do that here, unless I'm able to dedicate the time to reading everything the author posts about their life in addition to their stories. I think we hypothetically did that back in the DW days, but maybe the difference is that folks are used to social media here, so rather than posting a couple of essays a week like a blog, it's standard to do a bunch of short posts per day? Perhaps in some ways, Discord is more autism-friendly, because it's possible to say "I only want to communicate about THESE topics" and then get to know who the people are who are talking about those things. It's weirdly isolating, I think, to show up to a platform like "HERE ARE MY SPECIAL INTERESTS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM" and then to see others doing that but not be clear on how to engage. To be fair, that may be aging more than autism 😂

I'm not sure if this is, uh, actually reaching any conclusions, but hey, having space to process the thoughts and feelings is nice nonetheless!

#fandom meta #fandom culture #actually autistic

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meichenxi · 3 years

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tldr; autistic parents are fantastic and fuck you if you think otherwise, signed, a disaster queer adhd daughter

So on the back of a lot of negative stuff I've been coming across recently I wanted to take a moment and talk about my dad. He is autistic and chronically ill, and has been unable to hold a job down since I was eight or nine. He only ever responds with brutal, crushing honesty when I ask him how he is (and as he's chronically ill, the answers are rarely fun); he doesn't have any close relationships with any other adults and is so afraid of crowds he sprints through them leaving the children to run after him as best they can; he very rarely told me I was doing well and never seemed to understand my point of view, much less my mother's; he would never talk about anything other than bloody knitting, rocks or conservation, he could eat approximately 0.5 foods but also had no job to buy anything better; he frequently goes around naked because 'it feels nice' causing me to SCREAM -

He's my favourite person in the entire world.

Growing up, there were so many things he taught me. His special interests were geology, nature conservation, wildlife gardening, taiji, mythology and knitting. When we were kids, we went out for long walks for miles and miles in the drizzling British countryside - when I was young, my brother and mum would lag behind and me and my dad would skip ahead, jumping over the rocks, and he'd tell with great excitement why THAT twisty line of quartz was actually less exciting that this outcrop here; he'd teach me about the Salmon of Wisdom and the folk that live over the sea and never grow old, and impress on me with utter seriousness how I must never tell a stranger my name unless they tell me theirs first; he'd sit down with me and draw patterns for a jumper he was thinking of in the mud with a stick, and then we'd have a sword fight. I never understood half of the things he told me, but listened with wonder, because he was my dad, and he knew everything.

When I was a little older, we made up stories that lasted for hours, and memorised poetry together from Lord of the Rings (because THERE our interests collided with galactic force) and he'd do all of the voices just perfectly. We went one whole summer just quoting LOTR to each other, and it was our little secret: Mum might hear 'Yes,' but only I would hear what came after: 'Yes,' said Frodo, or 'Yes!' cried Boromir. And when I told him my story about a woman who lived in a volcano he listened quietly and told me that that wasn't how volcanoes worked, but that he could help me write it better.

Everybody's autism is different. For my dad, it rendered him completely incapable to work and was paralysing in social situations, but when it was just me and him, he told the most wonderful stories. I wanted to be a geologist just listening to his voice, and then a writer, and then finally someone who understood the land like he did and the sea.

And he made me feel normal. He made me feel heard. With my mum, as much as I loved her, I would get vague noises of assent as she struggled to look after everybody in this damn house, or irritable 'Would you just be quiet for ONE second?' I was a talented kid, and everybody praised me at pretty much everything: but the only person who would consider anything I wrote like it was an adult's writing, with seriousness and criticism, was my dad. He didn't tell me I did well often. Instead he would take my picture, or my writing, and look at it with great seriousness, and ask me WHY the Queen was so intent on kidnapping beautiful princesses in the first place. I could trust him to tell me whether I did something well or not, because he never, never lied. Not to please me, and not to please anyone. It cost him his marriage and his job, but it was a rock of stability in my life : my mother was volatile, frequently furious enough to resort to violence, and she lied and laughed and told us what we wanted to hear, but he was always reliable. If he was angry, we knew.

When I spoke for hours about my languages, he listened, nodded, and then spoke about his plants. It was a perfect give and take because I didn't expect him to care about my languages, and he never expected me to care about his plants. We just cared about the other.

And when I didn't make any friends and couldn't interact with the other children without despair he was always there with a silent offer of a bike ride, or catch in the park. He was always the fittest person I knew, despite his illness. He had lots of grand ideas - once he climbed the tree outside our house and tried to rig up a platform fifteen metres above the ground. After three days he was inconsolable. He wouldn't speak, he just sat there. But a few days later he started drawing up plans and attacked it again, and this time it worked.

My dad is great for a lot of reasons, and difficult for a lot of reasons too. Some of these are just him - but some are specifically related to his autism, and I think it's important that we talk about that too, especially in the context of parenthood. Because we see a lot of positivity about young autistic adults and kids, but older adults are just as valuable and just as in need of support and recognition, particularly because they may have gone through so much. My dad was made to stand in a bucket of urine for three days as a kid to 'pull himself together'. Spoilers: it didn't work.

And I'm not autistic myself, but many of my ADHD behaviours are so much easier around him because he just. gets it. If I don't like a certain food because of the texture, he never buys it again - I don't need to explain myself. We leave all social events early, which is wonderful because he is very stressed and I am either so high on adrenaline I'm in danger of injuring myself or exhausted to the point of not being able to talk. We run through crowds together because he hates crowds and I like the chance to stretch my legs. We don't touch or keep in contact very much, because neither of us see the point or like small talk, and I'm terrible at messaging anyone, but I know (and he knows) as soon as we need each other we're there. We do handstands on the beach together and he points out plants on the way back along with their Latin names. He never bothers me about talking to my friends or stopping clowning and watching my stupid shows or spending ten hours a day on Chinese or Tolkien. He never mocks me for needing space and time after anything. We lie on the concrete together because it's so damned warm and nice and adgshhhhh. We spend hours playing taiji and doing push hands in the kitchen, and our 'love language', if you will, is him trying to throw me to the ground. We both get 100% of our emotional intelligence from books, and in any arguments can use this to great effect. I talk at him for an hour, and then he talks at me for an hour. I know so much about fucking willow trees.

So people who say that autistic parents are cold and incapable of care? My dad was the most sincere, honest and helpful parent a child could have ever asked for. Things were difficult, but it helped me understand that parents too have needs, and that adults are all just grown up kids trying their best. I didn't know why he was different as a kid, and I didn't much care - I just wanted to be a geologist like my daddy.

#actuallyautistic #autistic #adhd #actually adhd #autism positivity #non langblr #neurodivergent

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morlock-holmes · 3 years

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Okay, we can go back to the 50s for your sake. What exactly happens to all of us who are getting plunged back into (more of) a living hell? Do we get to say "I wish I lived back when I still had rights" and then tell you off for talking about how much better things are for you?

Short answer is, "Yes, of course".

Long answer is that I in no way intend to romanticize the 1950s, or traditional Inuit parenting methods, or anything else. I don't like lying to children, and as I recall (I don't have the book in front of me), Temple Grandin's mother was told often not to expect her daughter to ever be able to function on her own.

But in the same book, we have two white middle class Americans, one of whom has offered several anecdotes about specific features of social expectations that helped them to navigate the world, and one has offered up exactly zero such anecdotes (He has an awful lot about social features that made things hard for him, though!)

The obnoxious right-wing and left-wing response is to just assert that all changes that have happened in history are linked; the only way to go back to the social connectedness or rules clarity of the 50s would be to return to everything about the 50s.

I don't think this is a well-supported position. Robert Putnam, in Bowling Alone, asserted that high social connectedness in the 60s correlated with more progressive views on racial equality.

This is what I mean by Panglossianism: the assertion that every historical change has been for the better, or, if it has not been for the better, that it was a necessary sacrifice to make things better. Obviously we didn't consult you, but your opinions on whether or not a given change was for the better are irrational and irrelevant.

So you get people on the left going, "Oh, you think social connectedness in the 60s would be more psychologically healthy for you? That means you also want segregation and sexism, because all that stuff comes as a package!

And then you get these right-wing serpents hissing in your ear, "They're right! All we need to do to make your life better is to shove women back in the kitchen and stop all this pesky race mixing and the good things you want will come back."

Which is cargo cult thinking.

You might then push for a sort of ahistorical approach; maybe instead of saying, "I kind of wish things were set up a little easier for people like me in some of the ways that they used to be," we should say, "Things aren't as easy for me as they could be, we should work on that for the future."

Here's the thing, in my experience, as someone with autism, you know what people do if you try that?

They gaslight the ever loving fuck out of you.

You say, "I think the particular milieu we're part of has features that make it unusually hostile towards autistic people" and all the allistic people go, "No it doesn't."

"Our social rules are completely explicit and everybody knows them. Nothing we do makes things more uncomfortable or hard to deal with for autistics then any other group or context, and if you're having trouble dealing with our social context, that has nothing to do with us, it's a weird personal problem that you should work on."

That's exactly what @argumate did in response to me! If Temple Grandin says that the lack of electronic distraction and the relative homogeneity of fifties manners helped her, but that those things became rarer as she grew up, she's wrong. That's the whole argument.

And when faced with that situation, it's pretty natural to reference the evidence you have that things could be better.

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androidemotions · 4 years

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OK NEURODIVERGENT GAANG TIME BC I WANNA

these hcs are kinda halfway set in a modern au bc thats my context for this ! (gonna split it up so its not as long bc i drafted the original and it was LONG) water tribe siblings first !!!

Sokka

adhd/autism king 😌

[ID: a screenshot of Sokka standing on a raised stone platform with a map of the Fire nation hanging behind him. He’s holding his arms stiffly by his side with a wide-eyed look on his face, brows raised as he has his mouth open, saying something. End ID.]

- schedules to survive, he likes to know what hes getting into and if you try to change plans on him without warning he’ll be very resistant

- smart kid who doesnt study, oh he tries, oh boy does he try, he ends up reading the same sentence over and over until he gets distracted by drawing something, working on the blueprint for his latest invention, or with researching something completely unrelated to what he’s mean to be studying. then he tosses and turns all night because he’s stressed by not having studied, but when he actually takes the test he makes a 105, despite there not even being a bonus question, he just answered the essay question so well the teacher gave him an extra 5 points

- special interests?? we got em!!! classic weaponry (think swords, boomerangs, but also, like canons and catapults and shit) engineering/physics, art/drawing, strategy games. he tends to hyperfocus within his special interests, so like for a week he was hellbent on building his own full sized trebuchet, much to the dismay of Gran Gran who just wanted to grow her tomatoes without them being crushed by said full size trebuchet

- (also he plays all types of games probably, but he def plays those ones where you take over the world, like the ones online and azula also plays them too and they end up being rivals, while not actually knowing who the other is outside of their usernames)

- he also talks a lot in his classes/is like the ‘class clown’ and ppl think this is him not focusing but engaging this way actually helps him focus way more than sitting silently, a lot of teachers dont understand it but the ones who do are actually paying attention and realize that he’s generally talking/joking about their current topic

- some observations (this shit is all canon babey!!!) - sokka is great at being a leader and communicating in groups he’s in but he really really struggles in front of crowds, one-on-one and sokka can talk well, joke and stuff but as soon as he’s separate from other people and everyone is just listening he clams up (solar eclipse pt 1). he also loves to joke and make people laugh, and a lot of the time he misinterprets stuff because he’s autistic but he also will realize this and do it anyway because he thinks it’s funny and he likes laughing with his friends (idk if this happens in canon but i do this and sokka does too bc i said so :^). He also takes up the protector/comforting role but despite his best intentions he can sometimes say insensitive stuff and not even realize what he’s done to upset people (when he happily told aang ‘the whole world thinks your dead!’) works best when he feels needed, if he feels unnecessary or like something doesnt matter he struggles to complete it (i feel like the beginning of sokka’s master rlly demonstrates what i mean here), and this goes both ways, he will put too much value into certain things that he cares about and can get his priorities mixed if he’s focused too much on what he believes matters more than what might be most pressing (zuko destroyed his suki sculpture, oh right bc he was attacking aang)

Katara

she also has adhd/autism, (so do both Hakoda and Kya 💙)

[ID: a screenshot of Katara, Hakoda, Sokka, and Bato. Hakoda has his hand on Katara’s shoulder as they both look at Bato who is saying something, she has curious look on her face with her brows raised, while Hakoda looks exasperated. Sokka beside him his also looking curiously up at Bato, with one brow raised and the other furrowed. Bato has a neutral expression on his face as he speaks. End ID.]

- palms sweaty thoughts spaghetti, she tries to be practical bc she thinks someone needs to be but really her brain is like a runaway train, she sees something that needs doing and is like, guess ill do that now! and drops whatever she was doing first. she can get very anxious because of this because all the thing that need doing start to pile up because theyre all in her brain at once. that and as much as she tries to be practical she’s very impulsive, getting help from other people really helps alleviate this stuff

- interacting w ppl, when she was only part of her own smaller community she had a lot less toll on her, bc she knew everyone and was used to them, as she meets more people she gets really frustrated with how many people seem to refuse to say what they really mean. Katara is very straightforward herself and she says what she means, so even tho she gets more and more perceptive when interacting with new people, she resents how much she has to work just to decipher what people really mean half the time.

- caring for ppl, with people she cares about communicating is much easier bc she knows them, so she’s very open about her feelings around these people, and she can be hyper empathetic at times, but then sometimes she will say SUPER insensitive stuff off the cuff because she’s just very impulsive and she might regret it after the fact but she really struggles with apologizing because being wrong makes her feel like ppl are going to reject her

- perceptions, she knows what’s expected of her by the world, but she really rejects the idea that she has to stay in her role. still, she has internalized a lot of these expectations and tries to perform them, even when she sometimes struggles. beyond herself, she’s very certain about what she knows is wrong and has a strong moral code, she sees something wrong and she wants to fix it.

- she’s awful in school, not because she’s not smart, but she’s smart in ways that society does not appreciate. she doesnt care at all about all the worksheets and math she’s never gonna use, and all the history that got distorted, she’s much better at learning stuff on her own and she will go on deep dives of subjects she cares about and is super knowledgeable abt them.

also:

[ID: A cropped screenshot of Sokka with his arms extended outwards, palms flat as he gestures. He has a slight grin on his face with his mouth open to speak, eyebrows raised and looking at the viewer calmly. He’s wearing his usual blue tunic with the Earth Rumble XI belt along with his earth kingdom bag hanging across his chest. The text on the image says, “This post made by ADHD Sokka gang. End ID.]

[ID: a cropped screenshot of Hakoda, he has a serious expression on his face as he looks ahead. The text on the post reads, “This post made by ADHD Hakoda gang.” End ID.]

from this post (part of what inspired me to write these out) @meteor-sword now just katara needs one 😄

adhd aang next, i will finally live up to my url (will edit with a link when i post)

#a:tla #atla #katara #sokka #avatar the last airbender #avatar: the last airbender #hakoda #adhd headcanon #autistic headcanon #water siblings #image described

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zosonils · 3 years

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what are some random papyrus headcanons you currently have?

ooughwhhghgh anon you know the EXACT way to my heart. got a map to it and everything. a real good and fancy map. the ones with sea monsters in the corners

autistic adhd papyrus real

he tends to think of anything he doesn’t understand [and even some things he does!] in terms of puzzles, since they’re a lifelong special interest and they help him contextualise things! for instance if he’s navigating someplace he’s never been before it’s easier for him to visualise things as an incomplete map that he has to find the pieces [landmarks] of than it is to just wander until he finds his way or go up to someone and ask for directions [talking to people he doesn’t know very well is also a puzzle and he has more trouble solving that one because sometimes the clues lie to you]. this approach to things makes him astoundingly good at working through things logically, although between the difficulties applying this sort of thinking to unpredictable social situations and his occasional penchant for insane troll logic he doesn’t have a 100% success rate

in addition to this he’s a really visual thinker and can understand almost anything really quickly if he has a way to visualise it, whether it’s explicitly given to him or he thinks of one himself and suddenly goes OH I GET IT NOW. anything that doesn’t come with a coherent visual metaphor is borderline impossible for him to grasp, though. dude needs his diagrams

he likes playing video games, at least when he isn’t hyperfocused on his duties as a royal guard in training, and he tends to get an insane amount of mileage out of them because once he beats whatever objective the game explicitly gives him he’ll start making up his own self-imposed challenges or ‘puzzles’ instead. like if you gave him tetris he’d be super into the standard a-type and b-type modes, but once he gets tired of those he’ll start doing stuff like trying to play in time with the music, or without rotating any pieces, or painstakingly arranging incomplete lines so that the empty spaces form some kind of intricate pattern

gloves and especially scarves are a comfort accessory for him! even before/after the battle body is a thing and he’s wearing different clothes from one day to another pretty much every outfit he wears includes those accessories. if it’s too hot for a huge warm tightly-wrapped scarf he just grits his teeth and wears it anyway

the reason pap hates grease so much is that it sets off literally every single sensory issue he has. it sticks to you when you touch it just a little, it feels just as gross through your gloves, it’s hard to wash off, it stains your favourite scarf so you have to put it through the washing machine twice to make absolutely sure it doesn’t smell weird later and stress you out again, it has a gross taste that stays in your mouth for ages, it’s just the worst! how his brother stomachs the stuff he’ll never know [and it’s not because he doesn’t have a stomach, that doesn’t mean he can’t have standards either]

papyrus knows that sans suffers from depression, and he understands what that actually means as opposed to just having a surface-level grasp on ‘sans isn’t happy as often as he should be’. the issue isn’t that he doesn’t understand or desperately want to help, he does, but the sheer magnitude of sans’ issues is just substantially more than papyrus has any frame of reference for. the best he knows how to do is to be as blisteringly positive as possible in hopes that some of it will rub off on sans, while also refusing to enable any of the lazy or blatantly self-destructive habits sans has that papyrus can tell aren’t making him feel any better. short motherfucker needs a trained therapist and/or antidepressants more than anything but papyrus is doing everything he can, and while papyrus being papyrus is already enough to keep sans going he’s helping as much as he does specifically because of the deliberate effort he makes to beat sans’ depression over the head with a bone until it runs off hissing

wow that one got long lmao sorry i just really hate when people portray papyrus as completely oblivious to sans’ problems when he’s pretty strongly hinted to understand them to at least some degree and 1. it literally makes for such a better story on both the heartwarming and crushingly tragic ends of the spectrum if pap knows and is doing his best to help 2. even if it didn’t people are still deliberately ignoring huge chunks of papyrus’ characterisation in favour of portraying him as the smol little innocent cinnamon roll uwu bean who doesn’t understand anything and y’all have got to realise the implications of forcing this personality on the most heavily autistic coded character in the game :|

on a more lighthearted note, papyrus can reluctantly but wholeheartedly appreciate a good pun or cleverly-planned prank, he just knows that sans likes getting a rise out of people with them and goes with his instinct to groan over his instinct to laugh because it makes sans happy. sans is completely aware that papyrus is doing this, so there’s an unspoken self-aware undertone to their whole routine lmao

whenever papyrus, sans, and undyne are together they have this wacky dynamic where they’re all constantly tossing the straight man role around like a hot potato and i want a dumb sitcom about the three of them living in the skeleton household that goes absolutely mental with this wacky dynamic and god damn it i’ll write it myself if i have to

papyrus gets to kin me for this one, there’s like a single phineas and ferb dvd that fell into the underground a few years ago that made its way to him in one way or another [sans probably gave it to him with no way of predicting the special interest hell [positive] he was about to unleash] and he immediately became obsessed. he can recite entire episodes from memory because he watched them so many times the audio got burned into his brain. his favourite character is doof and he considers the annoying dog his personal perry the platypus. when he gets to the surface and finds out that there’s like 200 more episodes he cries with happiness

aroace papyrus also real

it’s getting late so i’m going to leave this here but i am always down to talk about papyrus. i fuckin love papyrus so much guys

#thank you anon [mouth kisses you but very platonically and only via psychic power rather than my actual mouth]#thirteen year old papyrus in a lab coat he stole from his dad acting out doofenshmirtz scenes in a fit of goofy excitement #sans sits in a cardboard box helpfully labelled 'TRAP' and listens and occasionally says 'gkrgkgkrk'#they proceed to get in trouble for playfighting #sonic forces me to answer questions #just fucking whatever #anon

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spectrumed · 3 years

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10. contact

The key to success is networking. Oh, God, how am I ever going to succeed? Networking? Talking to other people? Making friends? That’s not me, that’s not me at all. I don’t want to make superficial connections with other people just so that I can one day use my connections to get ahead in life. I don’t want to force myself on others, trying to convince them that I am some decent guy that’s totally worth getting to know and be friends with. I don’t know if you’re going to like me or not. I imagine some people would like to be my friend, and I imagine some people would hate to be my friend. I’d rather just forget about the latter group, and not torture myself trying to make friends with people who are fundamentally at odds who I am as a person. I’d rather have a small circle of close friends than a thousand acquaintances. But the key to success is networking.

I’ll never be an insider. This is not me just doubting myself, not some decision to undermine myself. I know that making statements about things that are impossible for you to achieve comes across as very self-defeating, but I know that I will never be an insider. I will never fit into a social clique. I am not going to be part of the boys’ club, yucking it up with my mates. I’m not going to be in any gangs, no bands, most certainly no crews. I am a solo-player. I prefer to work on my own. All my life, I’ve kept to myself, one way or another. I don’t ask for help. Growing up, my sister used to get a lot of help from my mother with school assignments, because she wanted it and she asked for it. My sister and my mother would spend a lot of time together making sure that my sister’s schoolwork turned out well. Looking over spelling, fixing grammatical errors, making sure that the text was easy to read and had a flow to it. Normal parental stuff, really. Kids are supposed to get help from their parents, it’s part of the learning process, no-one gets by all on their own. Well, except for me. I never asked for help.

I actually found it really unbearable to have my mother look over my schoolwork to see if I made any errors. Not because I am such a horrid narcissist that I refuse to admit that there were any errors, but rather because… well, it felt invasive. Like as if you spot someone spying on you through your window. It made me feel very self-conscious, in a way that I realise now is similar to how I feel when I make eye contact. Yes, I am bad at making eye contact, especially when I am speaking at the same time. I don’t mind making eye contact when you are speaking, but I don’t want to make eye contact with you when I am speaking. Is that funny? Is that odd? Well, the way I feel about it is that eye contact is intimate, it’s almost like touching. It’s mental touching. If you share eye contact with somebody you are sharing a connection. You are mind-touching each other. Oh, well… I guess that maybe it’s not quite like that, but I still don’t find it easy.

At times, I find much of the discussions about neurodiversity online somewhat off-putting. Especially when it comes to those people who are really keen on being all out positive, all the time. Those people who see any shade of negativity as outright hazardous. Don’t bring up the fact that being neurodivergent can be difficult, don’t mention the difficulties that come with being on the autism spectrum. Engage with self-empowerment! Celebrate what makes you different! Go out there and be proud of yourself, be happy about your autism, it is cool to be autistic! And, sure, I understand the importance of injecting optimism into the neurodivergent community. We need optimism, we need to profess our desire to be happy, to show the world that you don’t need to be neurotypical to be content with your life. No-one wants to be around a sourpuss just wallowing in their discontentment. But, sometimes things just suck, okay? Having a positive attitude may project confidence, may make others think you’ve got it together, but be wary when that positive attitude just becomes a mask you hide behind.

Look, we live in a society. Whether you like it or not, you live in a society. We need to rage against this society, because this society is no good. Things may look good to some people, but those people are wrong, and I am right. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore! Let’s have ourselves a little revolution and see if we can piece a new society together, one that doesn’t commit to the same mistakes as the last one. Oh, wait, how do we do that? And how do we make sure that we win the revolution, we could easily lose, and that might actually just make things worse for us. What if this society we live in got even worse? Yikes, that’s a thought too scary to even really consider. Can things get worse? I don’t want things to get worse. Maybe I just shouldn’t rock the boat. Let’s calm down, and let’s not make any rash decisions here. We can overthrow society at some other point. For now, let’s just have some tea.

Yes, society stinks, but what can you do about it? It is absolutely the case that neurotypical people have it easier navigating modern society than neurodivergent people. Others expect you to function just like they function. If you wish to fit in, you are required to act more neurotypical. People expect that from you. Learn to adapt, to hide amongst them. Trick them. Make them think you are one of them. Be the wolf in sheep’s clothing. They’ll never know the truth of who you are. An outsider that managed to get on the inside. You stand by the watercooler, and by gosh, you make yourself laugh at their jokes even though you’d rather not be there at all. You partake in the small talk, talking about the weather, feigning interest in the footballs, and pretending to be an all-around wholesome compatriot. You’re not at all secretly some kind of anti-social misfit, who’d rather stay at home sitting behind a monitor and playing strategy games on your own. Do you want to come and join your workmates for a drink or two later? Oh, yes, of course you’d like that, but you might need to limit your alcohol intake so that you don’t get too drunk and begin to let the mask slip. It’s too easy getting into hyper-specific rants about obscure topics no normal person would care about when you’re inebriated, so let’s not risk that.

“Be yourself.” Pfth, bah, humbug. Neurotypicals love to state empty platitudes. You don’t want me to be myself. You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want me to be myself. Call me a cynic all you want, but you can’t get nowhere in life simply by being yourself. For better or worse, authenticity is nowhere near as desired as some people make it out to be. Name a single really successful person who is truly themselves. Fake-authenticity does better than the real deal. True sincerity, of the kind that’s naked, shameless, ugly, and challenging, it is difficult to love. And that’s not all bad, it’s just a fact of life. We all need to cover some things about ourselves up, and need to keep some secrets, because that is what is expected from us. Just as we wear clothes to cover up our naked bodies. No shame on the nudists, they’re free to embrace whatever alternative lifestyle they want, but I don’t want to see your naked body. Don’t get nude in front of me. I already struggle with eye contact, I sure wouldn’t struggle less if you stood in front of me nude as well.

Actually, to a certain extent, these social rules we all conform to can actually be quite appreciated by those of us who are on the spectrum. It is easier to know what you must do in a formal social situation than in a casual social situation. Casual people, they’re just so… unpredictable. Sticking their casual bits everywhere, acting like guests at your house who don’t seem to understand that your home is not their home. Even as a kid I hated having friends of mine over at my place. They’d play with my toys, place my toys where they don’t belong, or even worse, they may break some of my toys. Don’t touch that, it’s mine. Don’t put your icky hands on my bed, I sleep there. Don’t rip pages out of that book, it’s my favourite book. Don’t breathe in my room, I breathe in my room. I just can’t handle you coming here and disturbing the peace. I had it all ordered, I knew where everything was, and I liked it. Now you brought with you the forces of chaos, and dealing with that is just now what I had in mind for today.

I could never be a freemason. Sure, I have some good ideas for how to secretly rule the world, but if you’re a freemason, you’re expected to be part of the team. There’s no “I” in freemasonry. The secret cabal that controls all of the world’s governments, they don’t want independent folks like me to show up thinking that I can do my work assignments on my own. The Illuminati is run by a committee. You don’t get far in that world by being some freewheeling bohemian incapable of getting along with others. You don’t establish a New World Order by promoting self-reliance. Institutions are great for those who like to get chummy with their pals, the gregarious sorts who know exactly who to talk to in order to advance in the ranks. You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours. Favours for favours. One of the reasons why I inherently distrust many institutions is because they are rife with nepotism. You know that whoever gets to sit on the high council of the Illuminati didn’t get there via competency alone. No, they knew a guy, who was cousins with this other guy, who used to work for this guy, and y’know, you pull one string and suddenly there you are on top of the social hierarchy. Most often people get promoted, not because they do good work, but because they happen to know the right people. But again, maybe I’m just being cynical.

I’ve had a recurring fantasy, in the past, of being a lighthouse keeper. Living out somewhere all on my own, not having to deal with any human relationships. Maybe I could befriend a seagull, but even that seems a little too much. Seagulls can be very needy. No, I’d just get on with whatever I’d most like to be doing, writing or making art, just enjoying my solitude. I imagine that the toughest thing about being a lighthouse keeper is the loneliness, but the loneliness is only a plus for me. I’ve long ago decided to like being lonely. I don’t want to face the fact that I too yearn for company, I like to pretend as if I am fine with being alone. So the fantasy of being a lighthouse keeper is perfect for me, I could get far away from society and I could earn a living not having to give a fuck about what others think about me. I could allow myself to get as weird as I would want to get, not having to wash my image, acting like I’m all rational and well-adjusted. It would just be me and my seagull. How simple life would be. Too bad I think most lighthouses are automated, these days.

Maybe being the perpetual malcontent cynic incapable of fitting with mainstream society isn’t all so bad. In some regards, I have made that my brand. Generally, I like to think that I don’t take myself too seriously, but like a lot of people, I’ve turned those edgier parts of my personality into armour that I wear to protect myself from the scorn of others. You can’t accuse me of being a miserable piece of shit when I’ve decided to make being a miserable piece of shit my thing. It’s what I am, and I am not going to change. I’m not really all that mean, or nasty. I am fairly cynical, but I don’t act like some asshole. I don’t think anyone is upset with me for how I act. I’ve only occasionally gotten told off for being too gloomy. But the problem here does not lie with how I end up treating others, but rather how I end up treating myself. I don’t want to make cynicism part of my sense of self. I don’t want to be this person, this misanthrope who only sees problems, and never celebrates the good things in life. I should engage with self-empowerment. I should be happy.

It’s okay being neurodivergent! Sure, you may find other people strange or foreign, with their yapping mouths and their over-eager desire to look you directly in the eyes, but just ignore them! Neurotypicals are just so last century, the future is all neurodivergent! You’re on the right side of history, bud! You’re cool, and radical, and you’re absolutely a sexy little cupcake. You either learn to love yourself, or you lose yourself. Make funny memes, find some online community to be a part of. You can absolutely be a freemason if you want to be a freemason. Don’t let your diagnosis get in your way, so long as you’ve got that inner fire driving you, you can be anything you want to be. Go ahead and rule the world, babe. Remember, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, and right now, it’s good vibes only.

#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #autism spectrum disorder #autism #aspergers #mental health

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johannas-motivational-insults · 4 years

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I’m an autistic lesbian in her early twenties who loves She-Ra. It blew me away in so many ways, & I related so intensely to Catra and Adora’s struggles (but especially Catra’s) that I cried multiple times as a result. I’d never seen experiences that so closely mirrored my own and subsequently dealing w/ the aftermath of being continually abused depicted in such a compassionate way. (Continued)

Lately, however, I’ve felt strange & wrong about publicizing that I love She-Ra, because multiple times I’ve either seen posts demeaning people who consume cartoons, saying that it’s next to impossible to derive deeper meanings “from content primarily aimed at tweens & people whose brains aren’t fully developed yet” or had something to the same effect said to my face via my university friends & family members. Please let me know if you think I’m being too sensitive about this, but I was already feeling exceedingly self-conscious & insecure about being an adult who liked any kind of animation (my parents always demeaned any anime, for example, calling it “kiddie escapism”) & seeing things like this has just made me more so, especially when it’s directed toward something that had such an impact on me. Am I just overthinking all of this? Thank you very much for listening, I really appreciate it.

Honestly I might not be the best person to ask, I tend to be kind of biased against cartoons myself. I decided to give She-Ra a try when I was told it was popular among exvangelicals as a religious deprogramming metaphor, and I wasn’t disappointed on that front. Tbh I do have a tendency to assume cartoons are either kiddie escapism or edgelord garbage even though I know that’s not always the case, I guess I have my prejudices too.

However, I definitely relate to what you’re talking about. It has happened to me with She-Ra as well as several live action shows and other media franchises I’ve gotten into. I’m autistic too and I know that feeling when people are mocking you for getting so involved in a story instead of regular boring adult things, and in your twenties there’s a lot of pressure to break away from stuff like that. (I think you’ll find in your thirties and forties there’s more of that, but also more people bucking that trend and saying fuck it, life’s too short to not do what you enjoy.) I don’t think you’re being too sensitive, it’s hard to see someone demean something that means a lot to you or to feel criticized for the way your brain works.

Something that’s really cool about cartoons, actually, is how intentional everything is. In live action shows you can have a lot of intangibles not intended by the creator, such as chemistry between actors. In She-Ra it was nice because we knew all the little things like the waist/jacket grab on the cliff and the dip and all the soft looks Catradora gave each other were there on purpose. It wasn’t there because the actresses felt it in the moment, it was there because it was storyboarded. So cartoons have a certain clarity in that way that I like, and it makes it easier to write meta about scenes with certainty.

As an aside, imo She-Ra is definitely not kiddie escapism. It’s suitable for kids and puts stuff in a light they can understand but I wouldn’t say kids are the target audience, and either way it’s not really escapism. Like yeah it’s a fantasy world with magic and stuff but there is so much real world stuff in there like the stuff about abuse and indoctrination, and it has a character who’s pretty openly on the brink of being suicidal for 1.5 seasons. Like, She-Ra is definitely a hopeful show, but it has some very dark subject matter and it handles it with the seriousness and earnestness it deserves.

Sorry this was an assortment of thoughts and probably wasn’t the answer you were looking for but basically yeah, I know how you feel and no, I don’t think it’s stupid. You keep doing what makes you happy, and if it helps people understand it’s not pure escapism you can always try talking about the metaphors and messages and the serious subject matter. But tbh being an autistic person and a queer person, you’re probably going to find your best community online anyway. It sucks it can be hard to find people who understand you irl, but on the other hand we tend to flock to the same things. There are sooo many autistic wlws I have met through this fandom, it’s fucking insane. So as hard as it is, maybe try to focus more on the opinions of the people who are going to support you. If people don’t even try to understand, their opinions may still have an impact on you, but know that there’s always a community here you can come back to for support.

#asks #anon #spop

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auti-things · 3 years

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Hi uh idk how to rly ask or say this but here goes

My girlfriend is autistic, many of my friends are, and so is my cousin. Lately my girlfriend has been talking a lot about her autism and what she struggles with and just stuff that goes on and what not . Nearly all the things she’s mentioned I’ve just thought to myself “but isn’t that normal???” So this was kinda my first time I began to question if I may be autistic.

Now a lot of my social media feed is filled with posts talking about autism and accounts with relate able stuff for autistic people and nearly every thing I see I relate to, this made me question it even more, especially after seeing a post that said something along the lines of how autistic people flock together and that they have a hard time communicating with neurotypical people but get along pretty easily with other autistic individuals. I struggle to just kinda speak to people and make conversation a lot but I’ve always just written it off as me being shy, which I am bc speaking to people I don’t know isn’t very comfortable for me lol. Also on top of that , as I mentioned before, the majority of my friends are autistic . Now I know it’s just a post so it’s dumb to think too hard over it. But this weekend I went to see my cousin and we were talking about our childhood and he said “yeah and just moving around a lot made my childhood hard and not to mention being autistic” and I said “wait you’re autistic ?? I thought u just had adhd??” And he said “well I am both lol, haven’t u noticed?” And I just said I never put much thought into it and that he didn’t seem very different or anything. And he just said well you probably didn’t see me as different because I’m fairly certain you’re autistic as well. You experience a lot of what I experience and have always related to me beyond our blood bonds and not to mention when we lived together we would always pick something to obsess over and we’d obsess over it the same way with the same intensity for ages, no neurotypical person can do that . He also mentioned how I can throw a fit about specific textures and also just really love how certain things feel to the point I can’t stop touching them is an autistic trait. (I’ve personally just thought everyone does this... like how could things with such a horrible texture that makes u want to peel your skin off not exist?? And how can things be so lovely u just wanna gently pet them forever not exist ??? ) So that of course has made me question it a lot more, an autistic person who has literally seen me grow up say I might be. I later texted my gf about what he said and she said she wouldn’t be surprised if I was because the way I interact with her / other autistic people wouldn’t be possible if I wasn’t as well , or maybe I just have a really good understanding of how autistic individuals can be. I know autism isn’t like a whole self discovery journey like an intense movie where you find out you have a long lost sister or something so it might be out of pocket for me to be thinking this deeply about it especially since I might not even be autistic.💀 so I feel a bit dumb talking about all this and asking what I’m about to ask . But I’m seriously beginning to question if I may be and I’d like to know if I am or not because I feel knowing would help me understand myself more and just make what I do make so much more sense to me . I can’t go get a diagnosis because my parents frown upon mental illness and neurodivergent people , so they certainly wouldn’t take me to get a diagnosis. (I mean they have already gotten genuinely mad at me for being depressed and frequently trash talk my cousin for his adhd and how he is. Even if I did get diagnosed I’d rather not have them know , I don’t think I could handle them saying that stuff to my face. I already cannot handle them saying what they do about my cousin.) anyways basically what I’m asking is do you think it’s reasonable for me to question if I may be autistic? And if so , when I’m in a safe place to do so, would getting an official diagnosis be beneficial for me? (I’ve heard a lot of people who got diagnosed later in life say that it really cleared a lot of stuff up for them and made it easier to understand themself) or am I barking up the wrong tree? ( also idk if this is useful info but I’m going to add it. I am a girl and I know girls are a lot get diagnosed a lot later and this may be why I might not have questioned being autistic until much later in life)

Hi there! I definitely think it's reasonable to question if you're autistic. Especially since 1.) You relate to a lot of the experiences of other autistics. And 2.) You have people in your life who think you might be.

As far as getting a diagnosis... It can be expensive and time consuming but for me it was worth it. Especially since I can legally get accommodations at work now.

Hope that was helpful!

#ask #anon

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lollypopsx · 2 years

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This is so random but i live with high functioning autism (asd), ocd and severe anxiety and i feel like sister Harry is so much like me🙃🥺 i’m curious to know, have you ever thought about her having autism? It’d fit with her personality haha

Anyway, i really like your writing about her, because i often, almost always, felt like other writers (i won’t name names) who took the subject of mental health didn’t understand anything and the blurbs always ended up with the character being suddenly and magically healed… that’s so unrealistic.

The thing with the numbers and all the rituals is so true and that never stops (at least for me). It’s something (a voice) that’s always there and so annoying and exhausting.

All that being said, thank you so much for writing about that subject. I truly think it can raise awareness. 💕

Hi my little angel!

This isn't random at all and I am incredibly grateful for your message!

I did at the beginning toy with the idea of her being autistic, but I just felt like I wouldn't be able to do it enough justice because I don't fully understand what that can feel like.

Whereas, anxiety, depression and OCD is stuff that I can relate to and because it is part of my life, I have much more awareness of it, and I find it much easier to explain and portray this through writing.

I also worried a lot about causing offense, because that is the absolute last thing I would ever ever want to do, that's why I had a lot of questions privately with manifestrry about the OCD tics, because that isn't something I've ever experienced.

Also, I totally know what you mean, I have read a few pieces like that before where it talks about depression or anxiety, and then someone gives them a hug and everything is fine, and I can understand that people don't always want to make situations like that overly heavy, but I do find it can occasionally be unrealistic so I really just wanted to use my own voice!

I get a lot of intrusive thoughts and I agree, it can be so draining, or if I'm having a particularly 'stormy day' as I call it. And it is so difficult so I'm so glad that this can raise awareness, if any. I have been told from a couple of people how reading it made them feel like they were in that situation and they realised how lucky they were that they had never had that experience!

Also, I started writing Sister Styles mainly just to...almost put myself into a character with figures like Harry where I can just have a little world of having someone treat me and help me the way that I feel like I'd need. And it doesn't make me feel so isolated when I get messages saying that it's relatable to others.

If we can get through this, we can get through anything❤️

#lollypopsx #ask #anon #brother harry #sister styles #brother!harry #harry styles #harry styles imagine

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one-abuse-survivor · 3 years

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before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

#Ask #milky way anon #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive parents #Toxic parents #Ableism tw #I'm not from the US either so I have no idea what a sophomore is hahaha #Emotional neglect tw #childhood emotional neglect #panic attacks tw #Suicidal tw

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