#but now I can play music outside of the app no problem

[tariah23]

Videos are working on here again, too?

[ohara-n-brown]

You know what I really hate? Like a lot?

The Neurotypical Double-Standard of Disruptiveness.

Because it'll be something I never understand.

A dude could literally be driving down the street BLASTING music to point that car alarms are going off around them and neurotypicals will be like 'hey what can you do? that's their right yaknow'

Despite the fact they're literally disrupting blocks worth of people - not just autistic people, but babies and the elderly too.

A dude could literally throw a house party for hours on end and their neighbors will literally just sit there and grit their teeth like 'this is normal. I can't sleep and I have work tomorrow but this is normal societal behavior so I will take it'

Meanwhile all my life I could literally be in actual meltdown - in need of medical help - and I'll be told that I'm being disruptive.

People will literally shush me while trying to tell me to calm down,

Cause that's 'disruptive'. That's an 'outburst'.

An autistic person getting overwhelmed and crying on a subway is somehow more disruptive than a group of guys doing literal backflips inches in front of people's faces and shit and asking train patrons for their money.

An autistic person having a vocal stim is somehow more annoying and unacceptable than a guy who PURPOSELY makes his car as loud and disruptive as possible.

People can go out of their way to disrupte others for no reason other than their own enjoyment and neurotypicals will just take it because it's 'normal'.

But let a disabled person do something slightly out of the ordinary and suddenly it's 'stop you're disrupting everybody :((((( '

The Neurotypical idea of disruptiveness is abelist to it's core.

NTs genuinely don't give a fuck about getting disrupted.

A person could be on their phone for the entirety of a movie, brightness on blast in a full theatre, and the neurotypicals behind them will cross their arms and huff and puff and NOT SAY ANYTHING as if that solves the fucking problem.

Socially unacceptable disruption that's caused by personal choice? They'll fucking take it.

But let an autistic person next to them start flapping at a scene they like and suddenly it's 'hey uh can you stop-'

A dude with a fucking boombox on blast could walk into a room and neurotypicals won't say SHIT. Cause telling another neurotypical to stop is 'rude' because 'its their right'.

News-fucking-flash: No it isn't.

You literally do not have the right to purposely make your car as loud as possible, your lights as bright as possible, your ads as disruptive as can be.

You literally do not have the right to play TikTok out loud simply because you want to go on the app RIGHT NOW and do not give a fuck about the people around you.

You literally do not have the right to force stimuli on other people simply because you're in the mood for it.

And you DO NOT get priority over people who literally are not in control in moments of crisis because their behavior is inherently more 'disruptive' than that of an NTs.

Autistic people have a right to express our emotions and needs candidly and clearly. If they're 'disruptive' or 'attention-seeking' THAT'S THE POINT.

We literally need to disrupt the situation and seek attention - aka help for our literal disability.

How is the dude outside playing music for hours on end at full blast somehow LESS disruptive than me crying and screaming BECAUSE OF IT.

Why is a disabled persons reaction to a disruption more of a disruption than the disruption itself?

Neurotypical standards of disruption is literally shortcode for 'your emotions are bothering me'.

That's literally all it is.

Because any other time someone can bother a whole ass room of people on purpose and they'll all stand there knowing they're all bothered, passing bothered glances to each other, doing nothing, leave the situation and then look at each other like 'wow that was bothersome, right!'

I've seen it with my own eyes.

But as soon as a disabled person does anything disabled, or a mentally ill person showing any symptoms at all, it's

'Can you stop please? You're disrupting the class.'

Bite me.

To the people they shush me in crisis, to the people that look over their shoulder to see if strangers are staring, to the people who tell me to 'relax, calm down, be quiet', or say 'do you wanna do this here?'

BITE ME.

To the teachers who saw me bouncing my leg as more disruptive than any of the other things in the room. Or my doodles 'disruptive to their grading'.

BITE ME. You all can BITE ME.

[starsoftheeye]

TMagP 17 Reaction

Pre-Episode

I've discovered that acting disinterested literally makes the episodes show up earlier on my youtube account, so I've gotta play mindgames on this app every thursday to get to see the episodes less than half an hour after they release lol

Pre-Statement

Ah Celia is back on her bullshit

Wait did she just nearly get ran over???

I feel bad for laughing at her but her only reaction being "Oh for gods sake" is super funny to me how long has she been doing this

oh hi sam

oh god she missed their date :[

something tells me a habit is going to be made of this, especially considering she literally cannot help it

"it really wasn't" yeah no wonder you nearly became roadkill

theyre so cute i love them

ooh shes mad

Statement

"catalyst" huh, have we heard that before or is this the first time

pfft not the interviewer getting read to shreds

wild theory before i keep going, based on the title "saved copy" and the "identity crisis", "existential horror", "temporal distortion" and "captivity" tags, im going to assume that this person going to therapys having the details of their life copied somewhere for something to replicate and replace them, and the doctors gonna attempt to get rid of them but obviously it didnt work. either that or the guy outside the office does something

as someone whos never done meditation before this is not encouraging me to start

ah office spaces, the worst of cosmic horror

wait did they get teleported or something

tbf if my taxi driver started driving completely the wrong way i'd assume the worst and start "exchanging words" too

oh my god was i right

wait is this copy based on their therapy, a version of themselves with no problems whatsoever? and is this gonna be a "there can only be one" type scenario?

oh wait no i forgot siblings exist

wait nvm them having the same name is weird

"dates and times" so this is where the temporal distortion comes in ig

yup

i'm sticking with the "rich-darrien is a copy trying to assimilate into og-darriens life" theory for now

yeah because thats not normal darrien, even if youre related no-one looks completely identical apart from glasses, teeth colour and a lack of a beer-gut

do they both think the other is the copy, or does sharron just not know?

oh god what is he hiding

does he beat up a real person every time hes upset

of course it was his father that makes sense

oh my god the sound design

oh my god he's the one who assimilated thats so cool

good for sharron i hope shes doing okay

off-topic but i love the way the voices get more real as the statement goes on then go back to their more robotic tone at the end

Post-Statement

as a celia fan i am eating well this week jeez

celia my dear what do you mean by that "not exactly the same though, it is?" girlie what have you done what are you hidinggg

alice!

who was playing the music in the background there?

as someones whos computing department in school consists of keyboard with never-before-discovered types of bacteria wedged between the keys thats valid

alice dyer i love you so much

ah the dyhard is dyharding

ah yes the mutual "i'm traumatised and i know you are too but i don't like you enough to give details on mine or ask about yours so we'll just sit and suffer in silence til the ice somehow breaks" dynamic

also colin mention woohoo i love the scottish man

the computer start up noise and power down noise at the beginning and end of every episode kind of makes me think that someone is watching all of this (maybe us, or more likely someone in-universe)

anyway that was fun, i'm doing this late but this was a nice way to spend my first proper off-day since finishing all my exams

[dreamtydraw]

Hello from the Fishbowl!

Oh I’m so glad you and plant anon agree with me on my vn red flags/icks! Like I said a lot of the red flags and icks I tend to have are really subjective so I get that some people will love what I kinda hate but it’s nice to see I’m not alone on stuff :)

Also, is it bad that I kinda wanna hear more about Heir to Love and Lie? I’ve never played any Fictif games but this sounds like some hot gossip I want in on, tell me more about how bad of a game it is lol. From an outsider perspective I think it’s kinda funny how it’s like “Yes the Fictif app has a bunch of great and fun stories with a ton of good content- NO DONT LOOK AT THAT STORY ITS HIDEOUS-” I know the stories are probably made by different teams so it makes sense that there’s differences in quality but still

Last Legacy and now Roadkill have peaked my interest since I’ve seen you talk about it here (I had never heard of Fictif at all before) but I’ve been a little hesitant to give the games a try because they’re mobile games and frankly I’m not the biggest fan of playing vn style games on mobile, I used to all the time but the grinding for stuff like story keys just to get content that may or may not be good kinda grated on me so I stopped and haven’t looked back. But idk maybe I’ll decide to give Fictif a chance when I have the time, your love for the games are definitely convincing me to give it a shot :)

Also I hope you get better soon and you’re not sick with anything too serious! Take care of yourself!

-🐟

( ok i’ll do proganda about the good game of fictif ask me about htlal on another ask )

Ok so i’ll start by saying that you should def play roadkil, last legacy and monster manor on the fictif app, WITH A CRACKED VERSION! If you have an Android play with a mod app and you won’t have to pay for the special choice ( you still have to wait for keys tho but it’s manageable) I personally use Modyolo. With the mod there is no grind, you just wait for your keys to regenerate to play the chapters.

Why you should play last legacy ? Last legacy is a really well written fantasy romance made by queers, for queers with good queers characters. The narrative is limited but realize that fans of this game haven’t had update in 2 years and we all still love this, that how good the game is for us. What I really appreciate is the approach of the romance, the well-written worldbuilding, and the interesting plot and evolution of the li throughout the story + bonus points the art is really pretty + the music is awesome

This is an otome where you feel the passion of the dev because of all the details and care they put into the characters. It sad that we’ll never get an ending but just because it’s my second favorite otome after Our life i really recomand.

Now another wonderful story on the app is Monster manor. It’s a reviseted tale of beauty and the beast where mc is a reparator that come helps the resident of the manor to fix the place and also fix their issue. Again it’s very well written and although you can get subtile subtext on romance this one is very axed on exploring the character's mental health and their story of self-improvement. ALSO IT HAS A CANON TRANS DRAGON CREATURE WHO’S THE SWEETEST I LOVE HIM HE’S SO WHOLESOME-

Bonus the music is so good i even added it on my spotify- and good art

Monster Manor is one of those stories that leave a very specific feeling in you. I don't know how to describe it but it just has a lot of wholesomeness and character going troughs sad but relatable problems that you see get better and makes you happy that they're healing.

now.... my guilty pleasure.... Roadkil !

THE BROMANCE OF THIS GAME IS SO GOOD I swear

Objectively: This game feels like a wild mess of fan fiction with random scenario after scenario and cliché horror moments, but oh man the ambiance. The best trio of Li, they are close friends, and in the 3 routes the group is just such an amazing friend group. The characters are lovely and it's like reading a bad yet good wattpad fanfic : well written ? no ? But the ideas ? good !

Like i said, this game is based on cliché of horror movies but also on american culture ( which I learned trought this game lol ). It has longer chapters than the other two games (except Tess but Tess got hit by the sexism of a greedy company that wants shirtless men in dating sim to attract gurls ) BUT they all shine.

Poe's route had me ugly crying in the end, Howie's ending is AWFULL but I had a great time, Tess is actually a superbe F Li even whith the dev having to cut her short and ruin her ending, she shine very britgh in the other routes and her own ( for ex she's the one with a shotgun and the one that won you and howie a teddy bear )

I really need more people to play roadkill because it's an underated banger in my opinion and it has many great scenes in the mess of scenarios ( the intro is really good for ecxemple )

Like, when I say not all game needs to be well written? That's what I'm talking about, this one is a hot delightful mess

ANYWAY! My rambling was long but I hope it was interessing !

[februaryschopin]

(audience booing track) okay hear me out before you guys throw your tomatoes at me because i killed off a previous chara i had just HEAR ME OUT… as always i’m 9688385 dms behind but trust me i will get back to you all one like at a time :-) it’s me anwar (not hadid) + thank u! yapping below on a particular visitor from allara!

liam fanning-ngoc, 25 / general (footnotes wip if i ever get to it lmao)

ENTER the life of a former weird boy (still is actually) from the allara server and more specifically from boston, massachusetts, usa where finding a wasian of irish and hoa vietnamese chinese descent is as easy as 1-2-3. his parents had a meet-cute back in their college days so whenever liam tells people how his white dad and asian mother met he’s always met with dreaded questions alluding to his dad going out of his way to find an asian wife (you know what i’m talking about don’t play with me) and liam’s like “yo dude what are u talking about lmao my dad met my mom on accident in boston college’s dining hall”. SO the now berklee college of music professor marries his long time girlfriend, a vietnamese chinese immigrant woman from terra who’s a musical therapist for children

all was technically well until some unaddressed hiccups concerning their marriage tho? as in cultural differences and backlash on the mother’s end who refuses to fully assimilate to allaran/american society which didn’t translate too well for the white side of his family that are “pseudo true” americans as far as having more than 4+ grandparents who were born in allara. so plenty of misunderstanding stemming from xenophobia and liam’s dad is a deadbeat emotionally especially bringing up the fact that liam is very visibly mixed looking and not at all white passing (more on that with his first cousin on the fanning side of the family *side eyes emoji*) which made him the butt of the joke for shitty “stinky lunches” and anti-viet/sinophobic sentiment while growing up overweight and as a continual afterthought

his dad is an amazing lover, a wonderful husband, a love bomber to infinity which is probably what convinced his mother!! BUT.. the downside like we mentioned above is having an emotionally neglectful/deadbeat dad who simply filed an app to terrascape for a kid by the expectations of his wife (lowkey to shut her up hahahahshafjgj ah shit) and the same shitty tired ass excuse of being “married to his work/career” comes into question. bro can’t name any of the 2 childhood friends liam grew up with, but his mother can. after a certain age his father ends up not knowing a damn thing about his kid and i think. at the end of the day. it’s because he’s unable to fathom his son’s biracial identity and refuses to help confront his son’s difficulties.. with such? especially considering that his wife raises liam with a strong arm because she REFUSES to have a useless whitewashed child that embarrasses her so.

this is the part where liam’s dad starts to hate his wife who is a person outside of being an object of his desires which is fucked as we all know and spoiler alert: he doesn’t have the fucking balls to break up/divorce her because men love making their problems everyone else’s so :-) but do keep in mind that liam’s mom isn’t emotionally avail either, very much the “here’s some fruit i cut for you” immigrant mother after she emotionally abuses you because she always thinks what’s best for her is what’s best for You so no she’s a mother who never apologizes but will. cut up some damn fruit or cook his fave northern viet dishes for him and it’s probably why liam was a fat lil boy

he’s def that weird kid you shared an honors class with that people just left alone after making shitty jokes about? but you feel kinda bad for him despite not knowing much about him? liam grew up on making friends from rpg games, forums, aside from the 2 buddies he’s known all his life. he was a band kid and was fairly good at playing the upright bass, but didn’t have aspirations to pursue music the same manner his parents did. instead he’s working on his 20th-21st century comic book/manga collection and can flawlessly imitate the voice of bruce lee speaking in english (and LOVED play fighting with his loser friends after binge watching 1970s hong kong martial arts movies).

tho eventually he stops feeling bad for himself (which honestly partial to blame is america’s amazing job at emasculating asian men which is totally a conditioned culprit!!!) and ends up losing the weight upon sophomore year of college, gains an interest in fitness and attempts to finding a personal style which honestly still he’s not really fashion conscious. painfully looks like a frat boy and is used to the allegations but the fuck ass loser in him hasn’t left, but he realizes how people treat him in the last recent years due to being relatively conventionally handsome(?) and only hot people get to be weird and have niche interests apparently

AND ALAS it’s been three years since he graduated from umass boston with a vietnam + ireland flag sash draped around his neck lookin like a goof but reppin hard for both sides lmfao and rn he lives in the megabuildings with a roommate (plot? anyone?)! a bachelor’s in communications + marketing with a minor in digital arts. since he was a kid he used to mess around on a hand-me-down terra-esque-photoshop-based-software and since then i’m afraid we having the coming of herb lubalin except in the year 3024. bro was making his family homemade birthday card graphics, eventually websites and now is working on prototype designs for apps, etc. he works for the gaming company that has launched the ever so successful iron fist which has been his latest project atm and man is he psyched, so much that he was offered to position in their physical office in terra’s server so long as he migrates with the proper visitation/work documents AND YEAAAH i’ll quit yapping here bg-wise but i can happily :-) expand if needed be. i fucking love expanding..

personality

truthfully and i know i always say this but he’s definitely leaning towards the ambivert side of people, give him a topic that he’s well informed on/interested or if you guys have a common interest then BOOM. it’s all over, i fear that you have a yapper in him. but that aside genuinely quite friendly aaaaaaand keenly leans into his intuition too a lot of the time? naturally curious about people and things so believe me when i say he just Has to fuck around and find out or else it’ll kill him to not? want to do that? very trustworthy, almost just as reliable, enjoys being someone’s rock or pillar to lean on because he didn’t have that as much growing up so it’s really the least that he can do. half a strategic planner, half a “fuck it we ball get up everyone today’s the day”, one hundred percent hypocritical and conflicting and very much a social/emotional chameleon. despite being a yapper also do trust me when i say that his yapping is purposeful (the aquarius mercury is doing so much heavy lifting in his chart). uh also is pro-terra bc bro is not tryna die out he just would like to enjoy his time in this simulated reality so!! idk man people hate him for his boyish whimsical nature but that’s neither here or there

[clickerflight]

Joseph: Part 5 - A Friend

Masterlist

Part 4

Had something happen today that made me lose a bit of steam for this story, but we're going to keep trucking. I probably got too caught up in looking for validation with my writing, but I think we'll be okay. I have plans for it and I'm going to keep going, I just might have to take a short break.

Content: Vampire whumpee, human caretaker, hospital setting, panic attack, grief, detailed memories of a character death

..................................................

Joseph enjoyed his music for most of the day, his eyesight coming back enough for him to see the small device where he could search for music and play it. He didn’t recognize the app, but he was glad for the music. 

He was bobbing his head to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ when he smelled someone familiar. He looked over into the hall, waiting until a man came into view. The man that had to be Joshua Muir looked to be of Mexican descent, clean shaven and wearing his hair just long enough he could pull some of it back into a little wolf tail. 

He wasn’t wearing a police uniform, instead wearing well worn jeans and a t-shirt. 

Muir opened his mouth in greeting and Joseph realized he was still wearing his headphones. He pulled them down, the sounds of the hospital greeting him again, but he could focus attention on Muir and it wouldn’t bother him. 

“Hi,” Joseph said, feeling once again safe as Muir sat down in the chair by the bed. 

“How are you feeling?” Muir asked.

Joseph shrugged. “I’m completely regenerated. The nurses said they were going to get some more blood into me overnight and then get me set up to go to a rehab center.”

“Nice. That was pretty quick,” Muir commented. 

Joseph nodded as the situation dawned on him for the first time since waking up. “Oh, stars, you, I….. Sorry. I shouldn’t have forced you to ride in the ambulance with me. You didn’t get in trouble, did you?”

Muir laughed. “No, not at all. Well, maybe a little but it wasn’t a problem. You needed someone to be there for you, man. It happens.”

He nodded a little. “Thanks for coming back. I hope I’m not keeping you from anything.”

Muir shook his head, a hint of sadness entering his expression as he said, “No, you’re good. I, ah, I moved to the city pretty recently. I don’t have many friends yet outside of some coworkers… but I guess we don’t really hang outside of work. This is…. Kind of nice, actually.”

“Oh,” Joseph said, surprised. “Alright then.”

There was a moment of awkward silence before Muir asked, “So, got any questions? 3 years is a lot of time.”

Joseph shrugged. “Haven’t really seen enough to have questions, I guess…. Have the fledgling laws passed?”

“Not yet,” Muir replied, looking slightly annoyed. “Well, parts of it have. People with terminal illnesses can apply to become a fledgling, but the stuff around people with chronic illnesses and terminally ill children got tied up in the courts last year.”

“Well, I guess it’s good there’s been some movement on that,” Joseph said.

“Yeah,” Muir said. “So, what do you like to do?”

“I like reading,” Joseph said with a shrug. “And D- my bondmate was teaching me how to play the piano. I used to work at a tech shop. I guess I was kind of, I dunno, stuck in a rut. Wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do with my life…..”

“Well, there’s plenty of time to figure it out,” Muir said with a shrug. 

Joseph nodded. “And you? What do you like to do?”

“My job takes up most of my time. I’m working my way up to being a detective. I’ve been a cop for a few years now and I’ve been studying to pass the tests they’ll need me to do. I’m pretty excited. The Chief has been pretty hard on me, which makes me think it’s going well.”

“How’s that?” Joseph asked, curious.

“Well, she’s a tough love kind of lady,” Muir said with a mischievous smile. “She’s been criticizing my work a lot lately, which tells me some big guns are watching me, trying to decide if they should try me out. It’s a bit early in my career for it, but I’ve been proving myself and I think they see it.”

“Oh,” Joseph said, intrigued. “That’s awesome, then! I hope it all works out for you!”

“Of course! And you’ll be the first to know if it does!” Muir said, his grin splitting his face. It drooped and he hesitated. “Er, if you want to be friends, that is. Maybe I can help you figure out what you want to do with your life.”

“Oh yes,” Joseph said eagerly. “I could definitely use a friend.”

“Good,” Muir said with a grin. “I wonder…. I want to talk to the nurses real quick. I’ll be back.”

Muir hopped up and left, the smell of his excitement still hanging in the air. Joseph slipped the headphones back on, not really paying attention to the music as he waited for Muir to come back. 

Muri came back after another 20 minutes, a bag in his hand. Joseph pulled the headphones off and Muir said, “Alright. The nurses said you can check out tonight.”

“Check out? Where am I going? With you?”

“Yup! I had some extra clothes in my car so you can put these on and we can get out of here. I thought you’d probably like to sleep somewhere quiet tonight.”

“Oh, I certainly do,” Joseph said, pushing the blankets off his lap and turning to sit on the edge of the bed as a nurse, the same one who brought him the noise canceling headphones, came to unplug him from the drips. 

Once that was over and the small holes in his skin healed, Joseph stood up, taking the clothes and heading into the bathroom to change. 

The clothing was a bit big on him, but after rolling the top of the pants down inside once they held just fine. He stepped out, shifting the shirt to sit properly on his shoulders before taking the shoes Muir held out for him. 

“We’ll get you some better shoes later,” Muir said with a smile. 

Joseph nodded, grinning. The two walked out, Joseph shuffling a little to keep the shoes on his feet. Muir had already registered his address with the lady at the desk and they were set to go. 

“I think the rehab people will come to meet you around 2 tomorrow? I’ll be at work, but the hospital will let them know to go to my house.”

“Cool,” Joseph said, his shuffling steps feeling strange. They were smoother than he thought they would be, as though there hadn’t been three years and a regeneration in between the last time he walked and now. 

“And then we can get you clothes and stuff tomorrow night,” Muir said as he got into his car. Joseph entered on the passenger’s side and buckled his seat belt, relaxing as heard the familiar sound of a car starting. 

They soon left the hospital parking lot and drove down roads as the sun to the left of them as they hit the highway. Joseph watched the world pass by in awe, the rumble of the car soothing to his fragile mind. 

Maybe he’d be fine. Maybe one day he’d be healed and forget about what happened and he could move on. Maybe when he had something good to do with his life and-

But who would he share it with? His bond with David was empty. It was gnawing on him, crushing his soul and begging to be fed. He had been without a pairbond for three years and his body and mind were beginning to realize it. David was gone and he could still remember feeling his pain through the bond, could still hear his screams. He remembered when the blade had entered David’s heart and killed him. The pain and fear had been unlike anything Joseph had ever felt. His and David’s mingle fear, the pain, David reaching through the bond searching for comfort, searching to be sure Joseph was still okay, and then the knife had come down. 

It was like losing a limb. Crushed in a combine’s mechanics, shattered and torn and shredded and bloodied and violently taken in a moment that could never be changed and never be reversed. The emptiness had consumed Joseph’s mind entirely. Going from all that noise to dead silence where his own fear and pain echoed down and back again through broken links. 

He would never get David back and the pain would last forever. It felt like it would last forever. How was he supposed to deal with it all? How was he meant to survive this?

He grabbed on tightly to whatever was pressed against him. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t feel. All he knew were the memories of David’s gargled screams and the broken bond as his sire and bondmate died. 

He knew he would need to pairbond again eventually, and that sent a new wave of sorrow through him. Was it not enough to be on his own? To always remember David and cherish his memory? He was Demijeoa. He would have to pairbond again to heal, but he couldn’t imagine it. He couldn’t imagine pairing with anyone after that. 

He pressed his face into soft fabric, sobbing desperately, unable to alleviate the pain. He realized someone was running a hand through his hair, untangling it and running down his back in strokes, and then he recognized the smell. 

He lifted his head to find Miur looking out a window, though Joseph’s stirring brought his attention back down. “Hey, are you back?”

Joseph felt a wave of sorrow and embarrassment so strong it sent him to hiding in Muir’s shoulder again. 

“Hey, man. It’s going to be alright. Promise. Do you want to talk about it?”

“”S not gonna be alright,” he mumbled. “He’s dead.”

He felt Muir tense up, but he didn’t stop rubbing Joseph’s back. “I know, I’m really sorry.”

Joseph let out a shuddering sigh, simply letting Muir quietly comfort him. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“You don’t have to. Not right now. Right now, it’s enough to just grieve. I know losing a bondmate is painful, even if I can’t really understand it.”

Joseph nodded before peeling himself away from Muir, scrubbing his face. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Muir asked.

Joseph just nodded so Muir turned off the hazard lights, signaled, and got back on the road. It was dark now, and Joseph was so tired he just laid his head against the window and let the rattle of the road bruise his head repeatedly. 

Joseph was asleep by the time Muir pulled into his driveway. He got out and went to the passenger seat, opening the door quickly and propping up Joseph to keep him from falling on the pavement. The vampire slept like a dead thing as Muir closed the car door with his hip and walked up the steps to the house. 

After some awkward shuffling, he managed to unlock the door and step inside. He walked through the house to his bedroom where he set the vampire on his bed. He coaxed the blankets over him and went back to the front door to lock it. 

After a quick snack and a shower, he got ready for bed and slept on the couch in the living room. 

………………………………………………..

Joseph woke in a comfortable bed wrapped in blankets that smelled enough like Muir to tell him that Muir had given his bed up to Joseph. He sighed, pressing his face into the pillow for a moment before rolling over and out of the bed. 

He poked his head out into the hall, looking around. There was another room set up with a desk and walls lined with cork board, though only one was in use. He soon found the bathroom and cleaned up before going to the living room. 

Muri laid on the couch, bundled in blankets and snoring very softly. Joseph hummed and decided to make breakfast. 

There wasn’t much in the kitchen and he ended up just improvising with some quick oats and eggs, as well as getting some coffee ready. 

He heard Muir wake up and smiled when he heard Muir’s small confused noise when he smelled food. 

He stumbled in, wearing sweatpants and a blanket cape as Joseph turned, scooting a plate of food across the island to him. 

“Got the coffee started a bit late but it should be done in a mo.”

“Thanks,” Muir said, surprised. 

“You're welcome. And no offense, but do you live on oatmeal, eggs, and canned chili?”

“Er, no. I tend to grab food while I’m working,” he said, fishing a fork out of the dishwasher and sitting on one of the stools to eat. 

Joseph rolled his eyes and sat down next to him once the coffee was done. Muir took the coffee eagerly, taking a sip and closing his eyes in delight. They ate in silence for a minute before Muir said, “So I guess this means you want me to buy more food.”

Joseph snorted. “Yes. You’ll end up with kidney stones if you keep eating like you are.”

Muir shook his head and downed his coffee. “Alrighty, then. I’d better go get ready.”

“Kay,” Joseph said, enjoying his breakfast a bit more slowly. 

When Muir came back, he was dressed in his uniform and ready to go. “I left a note on the computer with the password. Feel free to surf the web while I’m gone. Just remember-”

“The meeting at 2:00. I got it,” Joseph said, putting the dishes in the sink while he unloaded the dishwasher. 

“Yup. I might stop by on one of my breaks, but we’ll see.”

“Alright. See ya.”

“Bye.”

The door closed, the key scraped in the lock, and Joseph was alone. 

Joseph stood in the kitchen, his heart pounding in his throat as the silence pressed in on him. Silence like silver. 

He shook his head. He was not interested in having another breakdown today. Not right now. He was going to hold it together and if he needed to cry himself to sleep that night, then by the stars he would cry himself to sleep. 

He rifled through the kitchen, putting things away as he went along until he’d taken care of the dishes. He loaded the new ones into the dishwasher and closed it. 

He supposed the next thing he could do would be to catch up on what he’d missed. 

He went to the room with the cork board walls, glancing at the images and notes tacked there. It was a missing person’s case about a little girl. He hummed, looking at the little girl’s face. Did anyone look for him and David like this? Did someone in the world string up their names and faces, staring at them in the hopes that it would provide some clue?

Joseph shrugged off the image and sat at the computer, typing in the string of letters and numbers from the sticky note and opening up the search engine. 

He stared at the blinking bar for a moment, uncertain of what he should do before he started pulling up the social media accounts he’d had and opening them up to see what there was to see. 

Joseph: @not-a-space-alien @why-not-ask-me-a-better-question

From Dust to Ashes: @writereleaserepeat @currentlyinthespiral

Part 6

Let me know if you want to be on the taglist

[hopelessloser101]

Who The Hell Are You?

Stenbrough

Well, this is my first fic on this app, (also available on wattpad) it is currently one in the morning and idek if anyone ships them ^ anymore and I dont really care if the whole stenbrough era or wtv is gone but here you go.

______

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓞𝓷𝓮

Bill Denbrough rested at the edge of the familiar bed. The bed was stripped of its usual sky-blue sheets and soft pillows. He looked around the room at the familiar four walls and ceiling, having used to be covered in drawings and photos, but now bare and dry. He got up and sat at the desk. Whenever he came in the room, the dark oak desk would be overflowing with papers and pencils would be scattered everywhere, even after he would put them back in their proper place. He slid the desk drawer open, nothing. He didn't know what he was expecting. Bill heard a soft rustle and peered underneath the drawer. An old drawing was caught in the drawer. He pulled it out carefully. 

The paper displayed four stick figures, drawn in crayon. Each figure was labeled with the person's name: Billy, Georgie, Mom, Dad. Bill remembered the drawing, he smiled a little, a rarity, considering everything. The day Georgie went missing changed everything. Bill lost everything, but he chose to act fine in front of his friends. Whenever they asked if he was okay, he'd respond with "I'm fine," or "Yeah I'm all guh-good," Bill wore a mask every single day until he could take it off, late, every night. When the only sound that filled the house was the soft whirring of the air conditioner and his small desktop fan, Bill could take of the mask and actually feel something. Some nights after Georgie's death, his body wouldn't let him cry, which hurt even more, like he was being stabbed in the chest. He got very tired of everything, he couldn't write anymore, or draw, or do anything. Every day was a cycle. Wake up. Lay in bed. He didn't want to eat much either. Blast music. Watch TV. Eat. Lay in bed. Blast music. Sleep.

Bill lost everything the day his brother died. His friends were there for him and he loved them infinitely, but he felt guilty if he dumped his trauma on them. The losers had their own problems, and he didn't want them worried about him. Y'know when you want people to understand what's going on with you, but you don't want them to worry about you. Bill hated that feeling but he shoved his emotions down anyways. He got up and walked around the small room. Everything was packed neatly into cardboard box. Bill had managed to grab a stuffed animal before it was shoved into a box. It was a blue dinosaur that Georgie had named Terry.

Bill had won Terry for Georgie at the Derry Fair. 

"Billy! Can you pleeeeeeeeeeeeease get that for me, please," Georgie begged, jumping up and down and tugging on Bill's arm. 

"O-okay Georgie," Bill said, laughing. 

"Yay!" 

The game was ring-toss and Bill tried it twice, failing both times. Richie and Eddie ran up to them. "Billiam, my man," Richie said. 

"I'm bu-busy," 

"Busy losing?" Georgie and Richie said in sync. Georgie giggled while Richie ruffled his hair. 

"Sh-shut up," 

"Here, I got an extra," Eddie said, handing Bill a quarter. 

"Thanks, Eds," 

Bill played the game again and (surprisingly) he won. The man at the booth gave him the blue dinosaur and Bill handed it to Georgie. 

"Yay! Thanks Billy!" Georgie said, hugging the dinosaur, and then hugging Bill's torso. 

"Of course," 

Bill would never forget that day. He remembered everything from what outfit he was wearing to the number of quarters in his pocket. Regret. Regret filled his body, coursed through his veins, and stayed in his head. 

It was all my fault. 

I let him go play outside. 

I killed him. 

I killed my little brother. 

A tear slipped from his eye. 

Looking around at the room again. Everything packed away. In less than an hour, the room would be empty and then filled back up with someone else's things.

"Bill? What are you doing in Georgie's room? C'mon get out we have to donate his things," 

Bill looked up at his mother standing in the doorway. "Suh-sorry," he said as he walked past her, tears slipping from his eyes. When his mother and father finished bringing the boxes downstairs, they loaded them into the trunk. Bill watched from the top stair. His parents wanted everything that reminded them of Georgie gone. Bill didn't know what he wanted or how to handle, besides music and writing. Self-projecting. His mother had put him in therapy, sometimes that didn't help. The whole point of therapy is to talk about your feelings and problems, the one thing he couldn't do without feeling guilty or that he overshared. 

Help me.

A/N: The rest of the story will be told in Bill's perspective. 9

[xxang3l-trapxx]

Amongst The Rainbow Streets

Here’s a pride fic for Final Destination!!!

Olivia pounds back another shot of tequila at the local lesbian bar, it’s called BlackRose Bar or something, laughing and boozing the day away with Nathan.

“So you’ve spent all this time looking through lonely hearts dating apps, and you still haven’t found anyone for that party next week? Bullshit, you’re cute,” Nathan slurs in disbelief, chugging his vodka soda.

Olivia laughs drunkenly, before grabbing the last shot from her tray and downing it. “I know, I know! Despite my unbelievably hot body, I have been lacking in maidens for eons,” she bemoans, leaning forward, her long hair brushing the sticky bar counter.

Nathan sympathetically rubs Olivia’s back, smiling.

She smiles, before standing up and yanking her shorts down. “I’ve gotta piss. Watch my purse for me,” she loudly announces, pocketing her phone. Nathan pretends to make a disgusted face, but gives a thumbs up.

Olivia saunters over to the women’s bathroom, apologizing to a bar patron who she bumps into on the way in.

She enters the small space, fixing her hair and her earrings and bra. Humming along to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”, Olivia splashes her face with water, looking up at the mirror above the sink.

Just as she’s about to leave, she hears sniffling and quiet sobs. Is someone crying?

A quick glance around the bathroom deduces that a pair of shoes; white Mary Janes, peek from the 5th stall. Olivia walks over to the stall and knocks on it hard.

“Ay, you alright in there? If you need a tissue, I don’t have any, but if you need me to beat someone up I can do that,” she cringes at herself for being so blunt.

The stranger in the stall stops crying for a minute, before unlocking it.

Inside of the stall is a beautiful young woman, with blonde hair and bloodshot green eyes. She’s wearing grey, pink and white eyeshadow, with glitter in the transfemme flag colors decorating the corners of her eyes.

Ah, so she’s a trans demigirl, Olivia thinks to herself. She looks up to Olivia, and rubs at her face, taking off some glitter with it.

“Ah, crap, sorry for crying,” she says, looking down at the floor.

Olivia bends down the the woman’s level, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t apologize for that girl, it happens. Now, you wanna tell me what happened? I’m all ears,” she soothes, brushing the other woman’s hair behind her ears.

The woman looks down at her lap, playing with the hem of her pink floral skirt.

“W-well, I came here with my friend, and we were having a good time. But then he went to go get food for both of us, and I got lost! And when I was trying to find him, some guy tried feeling me up and kept saying how he always wanted to fuck a trans girl! A-and after that, I started to get sensory overload from all the lights and music and people, so I ran in here and I wanna go find my friend so I can go home,” she rambles on in on, so Olivia firmly plants her hands on the woman’s shoulders.

She guides the woman through her sensory overload, and eventually she calms down enough for Olivia clean her up and guide her out of the bathroom.

They pass Nathan on the way out, and she tells him that she’ll be back, and he takes one look at the shaken up woman before understanding the situation.

Eventually the two get to talking on a bench outside the bar, and Olivia learns a few things about the woman. Her name is Margret Harper, but everyone calls her Molly or Moll. She’s 24, so two years older than Olivia, and she was born January 20th. She was born in Weehawken, New Jersey, but moved to SoHo as a baby. Her mom left her and her dad at age 8, and before that her parents were always fighting due to her mom’s drug addiction and cheating problem. When she was 12 she figured out she was transfemme and she started her transition at 14, the same age she met her previously mentioned friend in late middle school. She works as a secretary at some law firm, but she plays electric guitar at a club downtown on Friday through Sunday, and she goes to karaoke, again with her friend.

During their conversation, Olivia grabs Molly a bottle of water and a rainbow corn dog, and Molly insists on Venmoing her the amount of money she spent, but the younger girl declines.

“You were struggling and overstimulated, like hell I’m gonna ask you to pay me money,” Olivia says, crossing one leg over the other.

“If you say so! But again, thank you so much for helping,” Molly exclaims, grabbing Olivia’s hand.

Olivia blushes at the contact, before smiling. “No problem!”

As the two women sit together in silence, a loud and anxious voice yells from the crowd, “Molly!”

The two women look up in surprise, and a tall young man jogs up to them. He’s got short brown hair, a shit ton of eyeliner, and a blue jacket with bi and transmasc pins.

This must be the guy Molly kept talking about, Olivia thinks to herself. She slightly hates him a bit, who leaves someone with sensory issues on their own?

The guy immediately launches into an apologetic ramble. “Oh my god, Molly, I am so, so sorry! I got distracted getting food for the two of us, and then I got lost, so I got this guy to help me find you—he’s really cute by the way, we’ve been talking for a couple of weeks, but we still couldn’t find you! And I’m so, so sorry,” he says all of this without taking a single breath.

Finally, he turns to Olivia and offers a hand. “I’m Sam by the way, I came with Molly to the pride parade!” He’s super energetic, and Olivia immediately feels like shit for thinking bad about him.

She shakes his hand and smiles. “Olivia, Olivia Castle. I met your little girlfriend in the bathroom of the BlackRose bar not too far down the street,” she says, and Sam bursts into laughter.

“Holy fuck, that’s hilarious! Molly’s not my girlfriend, she’s just a friend, nothing more,” he manages to get out through laughter.

Olivia gives a quiet “Oh” before smiling.

Molly stands up from the bench, but not before hugging Olivia. “Thanks for looking out for me, Olivia! Who knows, maybe I’ll catch you later,” she teases, and she holds out her phone; with a My Melody phone charm, with her contacts open.

Olivia pulls out her own phone, and both women exchange phone numbers.

“See ya later, Molly! It was nice meeting you,” she calls out as she and Sam walk away.

“See ya later, Olivia! It was nice meeting you too,” she shouts back, blowing a kiss and winking. Olivia blushes, entirely stunned, and for the first time in her life; she’s speechless.

She sits on the bench for a little while after they both leave, looking up at the gradually darkening sky, before heading back into the BlackRose bar.

Her first words to Nathan when she gets back to the bar are: “I met a cute girl today. And I think my dating life has gotten a lot better.”

Nathan high-fives her, and orders a Jack and Pepsi mix for them both.

@kymyit @cinemagh0ul @lovefrom-theother-side @brains4ne @seikointelli @taytumelise

[wahlpaper]

Thistlefoot Review

Thistlefoot by GennaRose NetherCott

CW: Violence, Xenophobia, Antisemitism, Death, Genocide, Self-harm, Suicidal Ideation, Swearing, Toxic Parental Relationship, Money Problems, Homelessness, Possession, Child Death, Drinking, Blackmail, Gore, PTSD, Self Loathing

5/5

I have found in my attempts at using dating apps that the media/entertainment recommendations of my matches tend to stick with me a lot longer than the people do. I say this to be funny, not for pity. Months ago I matched with a book-loving girl who gave me the perfect book rec. I told her about my blog being Queer and Jewish-based, and she immediately suggested Thistlefoot by GennaRose Nethercott. It took a while for it to get to me on Libby, but it was absolutely worth the wait!

Thistlefoot is about two magical siblings, Isaac and Bellatine Yaga. They are left a living house from their great-great-grandmother, Baba Yaga. Isaac and Bellatine are young adults now and haven't seen each other in 6 years. They don't trust each other, but they're willing to work out what to do with the house. Isaac has some debts he wants to clear and Bellatine wants the freedom that comes with a house that can walk. So they decide to continue their family business of puppet shows for one year, adding a stage to the house. Unfortunately, the house wasn't the only thing Baba Yaga left them. The past is coming back through an old enemy who wants the house destroyed.

Folklore, the past, and the concept that the body remembers trauma are all very important to Thistlefoot. Nethercott did a lot of research on folklore while writing the book. She looked into her Russian roots and quite a lot of American stories. She incorporated as much as she could into the book and wrote her own in as well. Folklore also affected how the story was told. Most books in third person have a narrative to explain what's happening outside of dialogue, but it's rare for them to feel like a character. In Thistlefoot, you aren't just reading a story, you're being told one. Perhaps it's Nethercott inserting herself into the story. Throughout, you also get interjections from Thistlefoot, the house, as she tells you interesting, but misleading information about the past.

I absolutely loved the experience of reading Thistlefoot. I didn't really know what was going to happen as I went through, even down to the last page. Every bit of the present, past, and history unfolded when the time was right. The story centers on a group that doesn't want to care about each other, but can't help themselves. Isaac and Bellatine are joined by a musical trio that just wants to fix the world and a girl that Bellatine brings to life with her animation powers. Basically, everyone has something about themselves that they aren't sharing, and that absolutely includes the house. Some pieces are revealed more cinematically than others, but they all contribute to why this book is so popular.

Despite the fact that Baba Yaga is not traditionally Jewish, I think it was a smart move to make that her religion. Russia's history of pogroms and antisemitism plays an important role in the story. There are many happier aspects of Judaism incorporated as well, such as traditional names, the use of Yiddish, and a shofar. Alongside the Jewish representation is queer representation. Bellatine has a romance with another woman, Baba Yaga was happier as a widow than married, Isaac had complex feelings for his best friend, and Sparrow the musician is non-binary. More diversity than this is included in Thistlefoot, making the book that much more relatable.

Nethercott spins an epic tale and race against time in Thistlefoot. If you're looking for a cinematic book that you can feel like a part of, I highly recommend this one. Puppetry, folklore, and memory come together to tell a tale you won't forget!

[nightinghoul]

I have a midi keyboard, and I'm learning to play a little bit on it.

I've always wanted to play an instrument. My sisters got piano lessons growing up, but I didn't. I'm the youngest, and right when I was that age you might start any sort of lessons, my parents divorced, and then my mom was single and poor, and life was too chaotic.

I've tried all kinds of instruments over the years. I have enough musical background (from being a choir kid) to understand them a little, but struggle with my fine motor skills and coordination.

Last year, I decided to try the keyboard. Because of the type of learner I am, a midi keyboard with light-up keys seemed best. The built-in songs were crap, so I went online to find out how to find and play songs from apps. Sources I ran across said I would have to settle for the built-in songs to light the keys, and anything else I could connect midi for feedback on my playing, but that was it.

I started using an augmented reality VR app that overlaid virtual light up keys over my actual keyboard. That was going okay, but wearing the headset while playing was a bit of a pain, and I couldn't practice without it. I couldn't stop to look at what chords I was playing, write them down, and practice outside of the program.

Yesterday, I found out you CAN set up the keyboard to light up with the music on the app called Synthesia. So, now I'm doing that. It's fun! At the very least, I get the sensation that I'm playing, and maybe I'll develop some muscle memory.

My problem now is that I have carpel tunnel syndrome in my right hand. After playing for a short time, my hand gets cramped and siezes up, and it's very painful. I think I also have a pinched nerve.

Aside from that mess, I'm enjoying myself. The piano feels intuitive to me. Sometimes I play around on it without the lessons, and I just listen to each note, hear out the differences between how a space between four notes vs a space between five, or listen to the emotional tone of major and minor chords. I don't know the words for any of these things, but it's better for me to feel it out and then get an explanation down the road.

As for whether or not I will really have any talent, that remains to be seen. My track record with musical instruments is terrible. But my track record for continuing to try is pretty good. 😁

[caracalled]

i have decided i am sick of endless scrolling and never feeling like i am in power of my own time, I barely even remember anything I did after sinking several hours into scrolling. I feel like my brain has this urge all the time to get the little content dopamine hits which mainly leads to mindless scrolling on youtube and tumblr.

So I am changing my environment and making some rules for myself regarding social media:

My laptop stays at my desk and I only use tumblr + youtube on my laptop (with time restrictions), so I don't accidentally rot in bed all day. I also hang out on forums there but I think that's fine bc of how slow paced they are.

because I am in a long distance relationship, calling with my partner is only allowed on my ipad in the evening (this will stop hopefully when he moves in with me in may)(yay :D)

if possible, I only take my flip phone outside and leave my smartphone at home. I urge my friends to call instead of texting.

I deleted my instagram + twitter accounts a long while ago but that counts too I think

no social media apps on my phone except for bereal and letterboxd

Less social media related but a huge change for me: I got a wristwatch recently and it's so nice to not have to get out my phone and accidentally see a message to tell the time!

There's also the issue of my attention span and passive media consumption in general so here are some things that are gonna change/have changed:

I don't have streaming, so for anything I can get at the library, I have to plan ahead and take a walk to my local library so I can watch it (so I get a nice little walk too! :D)

No Spotify either, so music I either get at second hand CD shops or on bandcamp and listen to them on my ipod (which doesn't have internet)

Youtube is a big problem, but I took a 1 week break recently which massively improved the situation. I might do that again and also I'll definitely put restrictions on youtube. I don't know if that will be enough so I think I have to find a better solution long term?

I usually check my phone first thing in the morning so from now on in the evening it goes on my dresser. Since I typically either scroll tumblr or read webcomics I will keep my ereader on my nightstand and read manga on that instead in the mornings.

Video games are always allowed. Mainly play short indie games anyway plus I think this consumption falls under active in my specific case, and overconsumption has not been a problem really.

I think this is still pretty rough around the edges. I need a better idea of how I want to handle uni work and productivity, and also taking rest times? I think being able to not really do anything at all is incredibly important for my mental wellbeing and I want to find ways to do that, but also I would like to stay on top of my work enough for it to be stress-free for me to engage with. I think starting some sort of exercise and making walks more frequent + longer so I actually walk more than my average 5k steps a day would be nice, plus those walks would give me some more space for my thoughts. And my uni offers meditation classes near me, so I will also see if that is interesting at all this semester. Let's see how this goes!

[drdeejofficial]

Update 2024

Well, I must start by apologizing for not blogging much on here for a good while. I have been juggling so many things it has been crazy. I continue to have this underlying health problem that I need to learn to manage better (if I could put a name on it it would be helpful but at the moment lets just say it is related to the fibromyalgia even though it might not be). I also had a load of my teeth removed last year and my step-dad passed away. I’ll probably break it all down in future posts but for now I just want to go through some of the good stuff I have planned this year.

I am in the process of getting back into the photography side of things at the moment. I don’t really have the resources at the moment to invest in loads of new equipment unfortunately but I will be trying to work as best as I can with what I’ve got. I have my trusty Sony NEX-5R to work which has been an okay camera so far but in due course I will need to upgrade as some of the connectivity is getting a bit dated (these modern cameras and their apps - d’oh!). I bought a wicked 200mm beer can lens off a popular online auction site last year and it’s not bad. I am settling now on working on photographing gymnastics - something I haven’t had the chance to do too much of so would like to do more - and more street and landscape photography. I might work with some models again in the future but only if the right project arises.

I am quite esoteric with my shoot ideas. For example, I like the idea of shooting with gymnasts out of the training gym and outside in countryside or urban environments. I’m quite a fan of the apocalyptic look (think Mad Max) so having swirling skies amidst an industrial or barron landscape is what I’d like to make my signature. And being somebody that likes messing around with graphics editing packages it would be great to shoot stuff that I can use as a canvas for editing on the computer. AI has opened up so many new realms recently and it is generally a good thing in my opinion as long as it is used to enhance something. I don’t agree with AI completely replacing humans. It has to be in toe with the whole creative process not completely running it. If any gymnasts out there would like to work with me (I had a few top flight gymnasts previously booked that unfortunately didn’t happen in the end - c’est la vie) then feel free to get in touch with me. The same goes for models. My contact details are available on my bitly page.

I am also busy at the moment trying to get my music projects going again after a long (4 years) lay off. I’m working on a big project that I started in 1997 but I have never seemed to get completed. More on that in due course. However, I have a little acid jam project where I’ll be hopefully going out live just doing some live jams with a load of hardware synths, samplers, drum machines et al with a dancer and some naughty toucans. I’m currently working on some tracks that I’ll be dropping soon on Bandcamp though I won’t really be releasing very much with this project as it is all about playing live. Currently looking for a dancer but I am headhunting some people so hopefully that will be a position filled rather soon. I also have a little beat making project where I do some downtempo, lo-fi sounding FM Pop-influenced sombre beats. I’ll be dropping all of these on my feed as and when.

I’m hoping to spend a lot more time on the bike this year too. Health has prevented me from doing so much previously but I need to find a way to get through the bad days. At the moment I have an e-MTB that I am considering swapping out for an e-Gravel bike. I want to only use the e-bike as a crutch for when I’m not feeling so good or when I am having a day when I am not so motivated to go riding. Kind of help gee me up a bit because any kind of ride is better than no ride in my opinion. I also have my “fixie” bike which I don’t ride because I’m a noob to that sort of riding. I need to find some folks who want to help a rookie learn how to ride fixed. So if that is you give me a bell. I’ll bring the beers. I also have my hardtail which I bought last year (notable mention to Terry Barentsen and his “A San Francisco Hotline” video which inspired me to buy a hardtail) which I use to bomb down the woodland hills where I live into the town and use a street-based mountain bike. I’m going to be doing a blog soon about what kind of biker I think I am so watch out for that one. And finally I am looking at buying an old retro 90’s mountain bike. Something like a Marin Bear Valley or a Specialized Rockhopper that I can convert to ride the streets or light gravel with. In funky colors (well, it’s a 90’s bike). And I’ll share some media about that stuff.

In addition to that I have been endlessly delaying buying an e-Skateboard and I’m hoping to do so this Spring so expect some content on that when I have it. I do hope in the long run to retire this page or possibly run it alongside my new website. Part of the problem with me sitting down and writing posts like this is that I have so many social media accounts and I can only post to one at a time. I’d rather just build a website and point people there instead of spreading myself thinly over multiple sites. That way I can post all of my works on one site (photography, cycling mishaps, stuff I’m rocking etc).

My life may not be perfect but whose is. I hope that I can make some in roads into getting back to where I need to be this year and perhaps talking or meeting or even working with some of you this year and hopefully blogging a lot more. Peace y’all!!

[no-vamos]

Hey tumblr it’s been a while (it’s been less than a week)

stuff has happened (it has not happened)

So first of all

HE TALKED TO ME FIRST (on thursday)

So i’m head of our school’s art club and we’re working on a mural that’s located outside the choir room and in the hallway that the school xc team usually hangs out in and we had an after school club meeting for working on said mural

now i’m there drawing on the wall with the three other kids who were at the after school work time that day

and it’s like 3:40 and he was at band practice and then was hanging out with his friends in the hall and then

suddenly

he walks over to where i’m vaguely standing (not really i’m pretty sure i was up on the step stool but i got off so i could go talk to him)

and he’s like

“is this the first time you have worked on the wall this year”

and i’m like “yea it’s our first meeting working on it. why do you ask?”

“well it hadn’t changed and i was wondering if it was going to. have you worked on it at all in the last three months?”

and i’m like “well when/how were we going to. we haven’t been at school!”

“well i don’t know.”

i’m pretty sure there was more to the conversation (i think i asked him another question but i don’t remember it rn) and just

yea the conversation was really not a conversation

but!! he talked to me!! he technically initiated it with me!!!! He reciprocated my teasing!!!!

i’m just so enamored by him it’s kinda a problem

and THEN

on fridayyyyy choir was doing the chapel and he was on the stage singing with the volunteer ensemble and it really does not mean thatt much but it means a lot to me bc the confidence to be on stage singing is important to me

anyways i was playing the piano and ya know made a few mistakes bc i literally got the music the day before

but back in the choir room

i was making a vague comment about how i have played better before (close to him mind you he was like right next to me and i was basically saying it to him anyways)

and he goes

“You did well. you did better than i could have.”

and i’m like “well have you ever had lessons before? i’m sure you would’ve done just as well if i showed you where to put your fingers.”

and he’s like “i’ve had about 6 months of lessons in the last five years”

and because i’m a fucking dumbass i was like huh and he had to repeat himself

and i was like lol and then asked him to explain bc i still didn’t fucking understand

and then i started fiddling on the piano a bit and the conversation died out

but he like a) complimented me b) shared information about himself c) maintained eye contact with me d) we held conversation about a shared interest/topic (he’s a percussionist in band) (it’s also kinda funny bc i was watching him rehearse once and he’s the one that plays the cymbals in this one song and he’s so like serious about it it’s so cute)

like istg it’s a sign

or i want it to be a sign lmao

but then the plot thickens

bc i got all dressed up and shit today for church like i looked cute like i was planning on holding conversation and asking him about what he thinks about and making positive conversation

and then he wasn’t fucking at church today

i’m totally not mildly disappointed or upset i definitely am

it’s fine i’m trying not to get too emotionally invested in him bc it’s not gonna work out

realistically i know i’m not made for the relationships that happen in high school and he’s shown no true romantic inclinations towards me or any sign that he can function in a relationship

also i’m a senior and he’s a junior and i’m going to go out of state for college (although i just submitted my apps today and i am also applying to my state college so if i go there he might also end up there)

idk tho

he’s a nice delusionship bc genuinely

we would be so cute

he is so cute

i just wanna interact with him more so i can get more of a read on his character bc if he’s too passive it might not work or if he’s too arrogant that might undermine me and just idk too many unknowns and if i get too emotionally invested i will end up getting really hurt

there’s also the issue of me being unable to shoot my shot and just accept rejection bc it’s not like we’re not somewhat friends and have decently overlapping social circles and just that could make things

awkward

idk yea

[nomatterthestorm]

It’s been a while friend! Life has been busy. Random question for you — what would you tell your 18 year old self?

Good to know you're staying occupied☺️

(this is gonna get graphic) I'd tell myself:

1. first stop being a little bitch about what happened with your parents, love your Mom AND your Dad, their problems with each other are not yours no matter what either of them says. Just love me both as much as you can and tell your Dad you love him, he's really a big softy he's just trying to toughen you up but you'll miss him when he's gone, and he's proud af of you as a man.

2. The girl you're with will fucking leave you so start applying for scholarships and go to OSU and have a good time. Meet people and form some meaningful relationships with those who see things the way you do, but also challenge you to change your mind.

3. You're not weird for liking alternative music and hip-hop simultaneously, in fact give it a couple years the world is gonna start making more music that fits your persona. Also that feeling you get when you're in beautiful moments and fitting somber music start playing in your head that makes you feel like you're in a teen Rom-Com will keep happening and this app called tik too is gonna blow up and you'll find that other people actually felt that and make these things called reels that display that feeling vividly for those who don't get that feeling.

4. I don't really know if you could've made it as far as I did without fucking up as bad as I (future me) did but if you can please figure it out. It'll save you 2 years of really shitty depressing filler episodes, smoking cigarettes (even though you quit eventually but for some reason decide to vape instead, because you've always known since like 8 that you'd smoke despite no one in your family smoking.), and that off and on seasonal depression that you'll deal with for a good 6 years. That shit could've really killed us bro, fuck the fights, the robberies, the over indulgence, the guns, the shady nights outside, drug deals, and racism. We could've killed us formal good thing we didnt do boy scouts cause them knots were loooose..thank GOD

5. Be yourself playa, like bro your mom is fucking right you're handsome AF and you'll attract some of the badest women, NO ONE IS OUT OF YOUR LEAUGE. Like I know right now you can't even imagine being THAT GUY because you think you've let people make you feel ugly and less than but you end up being HIM, all you really had to do was stop sacrificing every bit of yourself for all the people you love, cause let's face it you currently love a lot of people and you'll love a lot more.

6. You keep saying you'll save for a BMW coupe, you never do but it doesn't matter dream bigger you'll be in a 2017 BENZ by the time you get here.

7. Save your money, all the little rich kids that call you a bum right now will be hitting you up saying “Hey bro you wanna link” while ending your life because they were forced to get married just to live decent middle-class lives off two-income households, also fall in love with cooking..you eat out all the time..and it's not fast food but you could save like $1500 a month cause you don’t eat fast food for and have formed this habit of not eating the same thing every day, and you don't like left overs, or even driving to get food.

8. You're stretching that $350 paycheck and you're contemplating quitting your job just to sell weed.. that's a bad idea...like a really fucking bad idea, the only thing you learn from it is fast money will never beat moderately consistent progression. You just spent $500 on a section to party for like 4 hours in a club and you've gone back 3 weeks in a row cause you could and it didn't phase you..you have a fuck ton of electronics, live alone in a fully furnished nice apartment and you used to take your ex to dates and spend $300 frequently for the both of you. (also you don’t marry her or all the other loves that came before her, and being single saves you like $1000 a month) Did I mention you only put premium in your car and you always fill the tank...Stay hungry but save and trust no one that doesn't treat you how you treat them.

9. You've learned a lot so far, but I promise it's still not enough, study older people not just in your immediate life but other people’s too. Reacherch endlessly, not just what you like but things you don’t I know you already absorb information emensly but you need to find out how to use all of that more effectively. You'll think you're learning all of this so you can be the Hero you've always wanted to be but really all of this knowledge will keep you from becoming the villain you've always known you were capable of being. There are few things more dangerous than a powerful man who is not self aware.

10. I love you kid. I know we never told ourselves that growing up but seriously I love you so much for being strong and I know you probably heard everything I said and thought “Now I know so I won't do those dumb things” but the truth is you'll likely make different mistakes that'll probably get you here or put you in the ground so it's probably best you ignore me and just do what you were gonna do anyways because we'll get to where we wanna be regardless, and honestly WE HAD TO MAKE THOSE MISTSKES TO GET THIS FAR. As hard as that is to hear. We've been telling ourselves “One day I'm going to be successful, I don't know how but I will” since the moment we used to wait for all our friends to leave the middle school waiting area because we didn't want them to be alone. Then proceed to walk home alone because we knew we could handle the pressure. Like for real we even got away from that creepy fuck that tried to take us by offering ice cream, we were BUILT, BORN, AND RAISED DIFFERENT. We may not have always been deserving but we must continue to thank GOD for his guidance, and now we thank Dad too since he's up there watching the show too.

[byanyan]

@nightiingaled sent:ㅤ1, 3, 13, 15, 17, 20, 35

super detailed oc questionsㅤ✧ * º •ㅤaccepting

1.ㅤWhat’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

ㅤbyan's full name is yeong-hwan byun. they don't know why they were given the name — maybe it was their birth mother's father's name, or maybe it was the first name she saw or heard in a piece of media. it could be anything, and they don't expect to ever know the reason. yeong-hwan does mean something to the effect of 'eternal shining,' which is why i chose it for them. i thought it suited them, or at least the way they perceive themself. byun as their surname i chose part because i like the sound of the two names together, and part because i realized i could craft the nickname byan by using the first part of it with the last part of yeong-hwan. idk, byan just sounded like a cute nickname, i thought it suited them, and now here we are two years later.

3.ㅤDid they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

ㅤanswer posted separately!

13.ㅤWhat is their least favourite food?

ㅤanswered!

15.ㅤAre they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

ㅤcooking is something byan hasn't done much of, honestly. when they cook, it's something they can just toss in the microwave or something that takes no more than ten minutes on the stove or in the oven. it's instant food, nothing they have to put much effort into. they make a mean instant ramen, but outside of that i wouldn't trust them alone in the kitchen with food that isn't already prepared. given that they don't particularly enjoy making the easy stuff, no, i don't think they'd enjoy real cooking either. it's not engaging enough, and they hate following instructions. plus, when things go wrong, they never understand what the problem was, which makes the instructions that much more frustrating. anything they've made has pretty much been for themself, so no one else has really experienced their cooking.

17.ㅤDo they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

ㅤyes!! byan actually really enjoys taking photos and takes at least a few every day. for the most part, the pictures they take are selfies, but the second most common pics you'll see are ones of their outfits, which they take most days. sometimes these are taken in the mirror, other times they set up shots with a timer and their phone propped up on something. as well, they take a lot of in-progress shots of outfits their working on, makeup concepts they spent some time playing with, any cute nail art they do, etc. most of these photos go to their social media — namely, their ig. however, they also have a digital journal app on their phone where they keep record of the outfits they wear, as well as the progress of the ones they're making. a lot of their makeup stuff ends up in here too.

20.ㅤDo they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

ㅤmusicals? not really. the concept of them has always seemed kinda dumb to them, just never really been their thing. music in general, however, yes. they're very much a fan and listen quite a bit; they like to have a soundtrack moment while they're out walking, okay? sue them. mostly though, they'll listen while they're doing something like painting their nails or just vibing on a roof somewhere. when their favourite song comes on, they're jamming. how they jam is dependent on where they are and what's happening around them, but it ranges from nodding along to the beat to singing along in an over the top fashion.

35.ㅤWhat’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure?

ㅤto be perfectly honest, byan doesn't consider any of the things they enjoy to be guilty pleasures — they're very open about everything they enjoy, including the things that most people would be less okay with sharing. unguilty-but-should-probably-be-guilty pleasures include, magical girl anime (of course), makeover shows (house or people, they love to judge both), shoplifting (that counts even though theft in general is an actual hobby of theirs, right?), and spending money they've stolen from peoples' pockets on overpriced drinks.