#but this week especially i feel so much more anxious and unlike myself like more than usual???

[stillcominback]

💕

[mikefaistslut]

anything for you

chapter 1:

(A mike faist fanfic set in spring 2023, as mike is headed to london for the summer to star in Brokeback Mountain. He meets a girl on the plane there, Emma. He falls in love with Emma instantly. Read more to see how their story unfolds. <3)

Disclaimer: this is entirely a work a fiction and has nothing whatsoever to actually do with mike faist.

Rolling out of bed at what I thought was around six in the morning, I began to get dressed and prepare myself for how anxious the airport was going to make me. I’d never been a good flier, especially on flights that lasted longer than a couple of hours. Today, I was set to leave on a 9 hour and 50 minute flight from Columbus, Ohio to London at 10am. This trip was my gift to myself. I’d always wanted to go to London and do every lame tourist activity that I’d always seen in the movies. I wanted to stand outside the gates at Buckingham Palace, attend a service at Westminster Abbey, take a ride on the London Eye, maybe even fall in love with an adorable English man and never go back home to Ohio. I’d been saving for this trip since I got my first job at fifteen. I’d imagine what it felt like to walk through Hyde Park and see a play on the west end while I scooped an ungodly amount of ice cream for strangers.

The hardest part is surviving the flight there. I made sure to get up insanely early and have some me-time before the flight to try and relax myself as much as possible. After fixing myself a cup of coffee and scrolling through my phone for a solid 15 minutes or so, I decided to take a hot shower. This would be an everything shower, seeing that there's no way I could bring along my arsenal of bath products. But I let myself take it slow. After I finished washing and conditioning my hair, I shaved, scrubbed, and exfoliated every inch of my body. I loved the way it felt to be clean and smooth. Especially clean. I had to be clean to feel like my best self and I had to feel like my best self to be relaxed enough to not have an absolute meltdown on this almost ten hour flight I was scheduled to be on. 

By 7:30, I was all ready to go with an uber waiting outside to take me to the airport. I had two weeks worth of clothes, my favorite blanket and pillow in my carry-on, and most importantly, my anti-anxiety medication for when I inevitably begin to panic as soon as the plane door shuts. I was anxious, but also so overwhelmingly excited. I wasn’t going to let my anxiety stand in the way of the trip I’ve been fantasizing about for almost ten years. Not when I was so close. 

Flying wasn’t a new experience to me. There’d been plenty of times when I was a kid that I went on flights with my family, mostly to visit my grandparents in Florida. But this was different. This was around the world. Flying to London also meant going through customs, which was an entirely foreign concept to me. But I was there and I was ready. First things first, I thought to myself as I made my way to my gate after going through TSA, a snack. I bought a latte and a ridiculously overpriced bag of chips and made my way back to my gate to get comfortable. I still had about 30 minutes until my flight was supposed to begin boarding, so I put on my headphones and played some soft music on my phone. Everything was going to be okay, I kept telling myself. It is so incredibly unlikely that my plane is going to crash, I just need to keep myself distracted and everything will be just fine. 

Those 30 minutes went by faster than I expected, and it was time to board. I gathered my things and made my way to the gate. 

“Excuse me! I think you left this behind.” I turned around to the most beautiful face I think I’ve ever seen. Beautiful blue eyes, thin, almond-shaped eyes and a jawline that was so perfectly sculpted. In a hurry to board, I’d left behind my carry-on bag that contained all my essentials. Phone charger, comfort pillow and blanket and anti-anxiety meds. 

“Oh, thank you so much!” And then I thought about it. “How’d you know it was mine?” I asked the handsome stranger. 

“Oh, it just seems to match the rest of your luggage, I guess.” I had a sense that he’d maybe looked my way a couple of times while also waiting to board the plane. Even if I was being totally delusional, it was a nice confidence boost to assume that’s what happened. 

“Right! Well thank you. You boarding this flight too?” 

“Yeah, actually. After you.” He motioned in the direction of the gate attendant waiting patiently for us both to present our boarding pass and board the plane. Without looking behind me, I walked past the gate and down the long hallway to board the plane into business class to find my seat. I splurged a little and went one step past economy class. I had a lot of time to plan and save, you see. As I settled into my seat, I popped an anti-anxiety pill immediately. If I needed to later, I was also going to take a sleeping pill to hopefully make the flight go as fast as possible. As I was taking my pillow and blanket out of my bag to get comfy and settle in for the long plane ride ahead of me, I looked up to see that gorgeous stranger again. 

“Looks like we’ll be getting to know each other a little better.” He smiles as he sits down in the seat right next to mine. He’s so close I can smell his expensive cologne and I wonder how I got so lucky. 

“I’m Mike, by the way.”

[lucy90712]

Road to recovery- Part 9

masterlist As Pablo was looking in my eyes I could feel butterflies in my stomach. He really makes me feel things I've never felt before. I've had stupid crushes on guys before but what I feel for Pablo is different I have real feelings for him. In that moment I just wanted to let all of my feelings out and deal with the consequences later but before I could the sensible side of my brain kicked in and told me not to do that as it was just an objectively bad idea. Eventually Pablo broke the eye contact so to help stop myself from saying something I'll regret I went right back to leaning my head on his shoulder. Unlike last time Pablo tensed up when my head rested against him so I moved slightly thinking I was hurting him but when I did he was just as tense so I stopped resting against him all together. 

I nearly started crying again thinking that there's no way he feels the same way I do. He was happy to comfort me but after that he didn't want me touching him anymore which hurt because it's so unlike Pablo. The whole time we've known each other he's been more than ok with physical contact between us but all of the sudden it seems like he doesn't want me near him. Maybe he can sense that I have feelings for him and he wants to distance himself as he doesn't feel the same way. The thought that this might be the beginning of him distancing himself from me really hurt; as much as the last few days have been difficult overall Pablo has made my life so much better and with him I've been so much happier so to be without him is really going to take a toll on me.

The longer we sat just in silence the more I felt like I had to get out of there. Something has changed between us and I don't think I like it and I definitely don't want to deal with it especially not right now. I could feel tears brimming at the edge of my eyes and I can't cry in front of Pablo again as he'll ask what's wrong and I can't tell him that I'm upset because he doesn't feel the same way I do. After some thinking I knew the best thing was for me to go home as then I can get some sleep and wake up in the morning hopefully less emotional so I can't think properly about everything that's happened today and what's best for me going forward. I wanted to text my brother to come and get me but my phone was in my bag which is by the door where I left it when I first arrived. After some internal debating I got myself up and went to make my way to get my phone as I really do need to get out of here for my own sanity. 

"Where are you going?" Pablo asked 

"To get my phone it's in my bag" I said 

"Is everything ok?" He asked 

"Yeah I'm just going to text my brother to come and get me" I said not having the energy to lie 

"Wait come back" he said taking me by surprise 

"God I don't even know how to say this" he muttered 

Hearing that made me panic was he really about to tell me that it's best if we spend some time apart or that we not be friends anymore. I was hoping if this was going to happen it could at least happen over time like a slow ghost sort of situation but I guess not. 

"It's ok I get it I'll just text my brother and he'll be here soon" I said not wanting to hear the words come from his mouth 

"No you don't get it I have feelings for you Lola like real feelings beyond what friends should feel for each other" he admitted 

It was a good thing that he got me to sit back down as I think I would've fainted if he said that when I was stood up. As it is my brain is already struggling to process what has just happened I really didn't expect Pablo to say he had feelings for me but deep down it's what I have been hoping to hear for weeks. While I was processing everything and letting it all sink in I couldn't help but let a smile creep onto my face as it felt like such a relief to know that I'm not the only one who's developed feelings between us. Just as I was about to say something I looked up and noticed that Pablo looked so anxious which made me realised that I'd spent quite a while thinking and he was probably dying inside.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that I've ruined everything I get if you still want to leave and probably never see me again" Pablo rambled 

"Stop you haven't ruined anything I have feelings for you too you just took me by surprise I promise I feel exactly the same I can't put it into words but I feel something special for you" I interrupted him 

"Oh thank god I thought I'd ruined everything" he said 

We then fell into silence again. Neither of us knew what to do or what to say next. Clearly we both lack experience in admitting our feelings for someone as after getting that weight of our chests we didn't know what's supposed to happen next. I suppose things will never be the same as they were before now but I don't really know what this means for the future as right now we are just friends who have feelings for each other but we can't stay that way forever. I imagine the next logical step is to explore our feelings for each other by maybe going on a date but I feel like we spend so much time together that a date won't feel any different especially as there's no way we can go out anywhere together. 

No one tells you what to do when you finally admit that you have feelings for someone you're just supposed to know I guess. I suppose for other people it's different me and Pablo don't exactly have a normal relationship so things are different for us. We can't go out and get coffee or dinner together as I think we might break the internet and definitely my phone as it's just been hanging in there after we were seen at the game together. Going somewhere is what most people do for a first date so you can get to know the person you are going out with on a different level but Pablo and I already know so much about each other and have seen each other at our worst. The other option is something chill like a movie night but we do that together all the time as we have nothing else to do so how do you make that feel like a date and not just like we are hanging out like we would do any other day. There's also the worry of us not being compatible as a couple but I don't even want to think about that right now. 

"So what do we do now?" I asked 

"I want to have a proper date with you and I know we can't go out anywhere so would you want to come here and I'll set something up" he said 

"I'd love that" I replied 

"I know it won't be much different to what we do now but I'll try and make it special plus if we call it a date it will feel more like a date right" he laughed 

"I always think you have to say it to believe it" I joked 

"You best be ready it's going to be the best non date date you will have ever been on" he smiled 

"Oh wow I better prepare myself then" I laughed 

He told me to come over next Saturday and just so I don't forget that it's a date he set up an event in my calendar to remind me which he titles best date ever. As much as it won't be much different to what we do whenever we see each other the fact that Pablo is already trying to hard to make it special makes me excited to see where this all goes. 

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hi! I wanted to ask for advice on how to deal with extreme emotions controlling how much I eat or don't eat?

Something I wanted to clarify is that when I don't eat, I'm not starving myself on purpose, but when I do eat, I am purposely binging.

For a long time I lost weight thanks to being too anxious to eat. I would throw up during anxiety attacks, and lose my appetite for weeks during periods of stress. I was severely underweight and many doctors assumed I was dealing with anorexia simply based off my weight, even after I explained I wasn't losing weight on purpose and just had extreme anxiety affecting my eating habits and making me throw up.

Nowadays, my depression is a lot stronger than my anxiety. (I am dealing with grief from multiple deaths in the family, I'm disabled, and because of my life circumstances, it's very unlikely that I'll ever be able to live independently or work outside of home)

While anxiety makes me throw up or lose my appetite for food, depression does the opposite. I binge eat out of depression. I feel bored and aimless all day so I try to fix it by overeating, and I don't feel like a normal person when I eat. I plan out my binge sessions and consume way more food than what's healthy for me, even to the point where I physically feel sick from the bloating, or from eating foods that I'm sensitive to since I suffer from GI issues. I don't feel full after I finish binging, and it's starting to become very disruptive.

On the one hand I'm glad that I have an appetite and that I'm not at an unhealthy low weight anymore but I realize that what I'm doing now isn't an ideal coping mechanism, either. I'm having a lot of trouble coping, I don't have a doctor who I see regularly, and I can feel myself spiraling out of control. How do I learn how to eat normally?

Hm. This is such a complex situation. Chronic health conditions can be so difficult in these situations. If you're able to access counseling, I'd say start the process of finding a counselor who's a good fit for you. This will be someone who can guide you with a tailor-made plan just for you, and can adapt it at every step of the way. If you get someone who has expertise in eating disorder recovery, they might know about some of the health issues you ought to work on addressing. If you can get a new doctor, I absolutely would. The root issue here seems to be the stress vomiting, and you absolutely need professionals who will listen to you and take that issue seriously. Both a primary care provider and a mental health counselor might be good resources for helping you take on a multipronged approach to that problem. I'm so sorry you had to experience a doctor who wouldn't listen to you.

I understand your need to binge while you feel able to eat to get your body weight up. Do be aware that by prolonging this pattern, you may be ingraining the binge-restrict pattern more deeply into your body and mind. This is typically a pattern with people who are trying to restrict deliberately, as their bodies get more and more desperate and then when they do allow themselves to eat, they get out of control. It sounds like your body is creating a similar response because when you're depressed it knows you can reliably keep food down. But unfortunately ingraining this cycle into your body may cause long-term health issues too.

It must be so tempting to continue the cycle of overeating since it seems like a way to kill two birds with one stone. It balances out the times you can't keep food down and regulates your weight, and the dopamine from the binge gives you an easy boost out of the depression. But binge eating isn't a depression cure, especially not as it sinks into a pattern, and you said yourself you've noticed you include eating foods that make you feel crappy because you literally don't care. This is not helping you fix your relationship with food, I'm guessing. And it also won't help you learn to work through depression in a healthy way. Doctors and counselors might be able to help you with that and anxiety too, which I bet would help your relationship with food as well.

For the short term, do what keeps you alive and keep eating what you can when you can. But make sure you immediately prioritize accessing resources that will help you to break this cycle. If you're not finding the right doctors or counselors, switch. I know it's hard. I know it's a daunting process. But you've got to invest in you if you can. Be compassionate with yourself if you have setbacks, because it sounds like life has really been walloping you with obstacles and you've got to keep in mind that no one copes perfectly with circumstances like that. I hope things get better for you in spite of the many obstacles that have been thrown your way.

[gettothestabbing]

I got my air conditioner working again! Finally called an electrician, and the visit was free because apparently the problem was super obvious and easy to fix.

I wasn’t embarrassed about it when the guy was here. But when I had to tell my sister about it, I definitely was. Because I had been trying to fix it on my own, on and off, but I was pretty scared to make a mistake. I was sure I’d fry all my lights or fry myself if I did. And yet I was also reluctant to call a pro because I was dealing with car issues the same week. All I could think was “I’ll kill myself fixing this” and “I’ll never financially recover from calling a pro, I bet all my wiring is whack, and that plus the car is gonna put me in debt and then it’s so over.”

In hindsight, both fears are ridiculous.

I find it interesting that my sister, who is such an anxious person, can clinically observe my own fears and dismiss them from afar. As a result, I feel stupid and unreasonable. But when I’ve tried to help her dismiss her own fears and concerns when they get overblown, she argues for them, and even after the issue is overcome, she can’t admit to having been wrong. 

Maybe it’s just that she can’t admit it to me, but does admit it to herself. It’s hard to tell. I tell her almost everything, because that’s how I process stuff, but especially since she met her husband, she tells me much less. She processes more stuff internally, which is fine, but when you look at our convos, I come off as much more needy and emotional despite being the older sister. I don’t really have many people to talk to, so this is unlikely to change. But it’s embarrassing and annoying anyway. 

As a child, when you become an older sibling, you’re told you will have to help out and be a good example and a leader to the younger child. But when you can’t do that, or when your attempts are rejected by your sibling, it feels like you don’t really have a defined role in the family. My dad, the oldest in his family, has criticized and mocked me for not playing the older sister role better. My sister essentially took that role from me years ago: she’s more confident, social, put-together, pretty, handy, etc. She’s also already a happy wife, mother, and homeowner. (This is someone who said she would take a vow of chastity because there were no men worth her time around.) 

I can’t help but constantly compare us to other sibling-pairs I’ve known, like my dad and uncle or two family friends who are sisters. And when I make those comparisons, I don’t like what they foreshadow for my life at all. I tell myself I’m being dour and superstitious. But the longer I remain the way I am, the more I fear I’ll never be able to change into the person I want to be. Even as I continue to strive towards that ideal, and see small steps of progress, the actual final picture feels unattainable most of the time.

And I’m not like a shut-in or anything, I have achieved plenty which my sister has not. But the things I’ve done aren’t valued in our family the way her accomplishments are. On family phone calls, I’m constantly giving news about her life because I’m the one who stays in touch with people and yet her life is the one they prefer to talk about. My grandparents literally talk shit about my faith and work behind my back (confirmed by multiple third parties). But when they call I get a few polite questions about it, after I get at least half an hour’s worth of questions about my sister and her son. I’m not even that close with them, so it could be worse.

I really want to build my own family, and it just feels like it’s never going to happen, and I’ll only ever be supporting her family and our older relatives while they do the things they want, while I stay poor and increasingly isolated from them due to my work situation.

[astridthevalkyrie]

trauma dump so my dad and i work in the same company right. he sits about twenty feet away from me (yeah it's fantastic i don't wanna jump out the window somtimes at all) but anyways today he comes over to my desk and in english and loud enough that my colleagues could hear he's like "your shower is clogged you need to fix it!" and a. my sisters and i have been telling him this for weeks so the fact that he is acting like he didn't know shows how little he actually listens to us and b. he only knows now bc since her bathroom is being painted my mother took a shower in ours and inconveniences only matter when it's inconveniences for them and c. he could have said this QUIETLY or in URDU and it would be fine but no apparently asking for respect in the workspace is too much to ask for so i told him "can you be a little less condescending about it?" and he got even more peeved and said he wasn't being condescending and was just telling me to clean out the clog (something i didn't even realize i could do like i didn't know i could lift the thing in the shower bc it looks screwed on and he's never told me this before) so i was like "okay whatever" and he walked away and i KNOW at least one of my colleagues overheard bc he joked something like "that sounded serious" so um. and yesterday my mom randomly got pissed at my sister and told me to stop teaching her to blame everything on my mother and i didn't wanna fight so i just said kay and tried to keep the mood positive with my mother because who am i if i'm not playing emotional support eldest daughter all the time and my dad heard the sound of conflict and went into the basement like the bystander and enabler he is!! anyways i have started another keigo fic that will most likely flop as well but idc because i'm having fun writing for him but i'm not having fun at home and i still lack the energy to find a therapist especially bc i know i'd have to pay for it out of pocket and i'd hear it from my parents (SEPARATELY ffs) that they don't think i need therapy but my sister has had trichotillomania for years and they're only now kinda seriously registering her into therapy after being told my several different doctors to do that because she has a fucking ANXIOUS TICK and they just don't see the correlation they don't see why she would have that and my mom keeps calling her crazy as though the woman doesn't have a barrage of mental health issues that she just refuses to address she has a therapist that she chooses not to talk to she takes depression pills she has meltdowns but it's oooover the second anyone else feels an emotion and now (and always) i'm being told that i'm teaching my sister to hate her and disobey her like BABE!!!! you are UNLIKEABLE and there is a reason no one in the house wants to spend time with you!!!! i'm already in this one stupid class that my parents pushed me into that i don't wanna get into but it's so annoying bc it takes up at least two hours aside from my 7:30 to 5 pm shift which if i go into office means i have to catch a 6 am train and be back at like 6:30 pm so i always push myself to stay up as late as i can to get some alone time where i can relax and then i wake up miserable and i push goals for myself to eat healthier and exercise bc i've gained weight even though everyone says i look like i don't eat (i don't) my mom will just randomly make a comment like "i can see your stomach poking out" or some SHIT like that and she's constantly trying to get me to drink her goddamn disgusting homemade mint water that will make my skin clearer and brighter but i like my brown skin and i'm not SELF HATING like some people! and she keeps bugging me to text the lady from this matchmaking service she enrolled me into but i do not WANT to because none of those men will like me because i god forbid put in my bio that i have ideals that i will not budge from and that i am a feminist and i need someone who will respect that i'm allowed to have as much freedom as them and desi men can't stomach that shit so. and my grandma uncle and his two kids are visiting this

(hit the character block limit) weekend and i have to make it into a fun game for my sister to always be around him and interact with everyone bc if me or her try to refill our social batteries in our rooms or interact with EACH OTHER instead of everyone else my mother will think it's the equivalent of stripping naked in front of everyone despite how she embarrasses us every fucking CHANCE she gets especially around her family and my grandma is back to living with us for at least a few months after this which means she'll sleep in my bed which means she'll use my pillows and take up half the bed and every time this happens my CHRONIC BACK PAIN FORGOT ABOUT THAT acts up more than usual so i'm considering sleeping downstairs but i tend to get anxious when i do that i'm just hoping it doesn't happen this time bc i'd rather be depressed as shit instead of anxious and anxiety scares me so bad i get into my own head so easily and i hate taking meds apparently i need vitamin d pills for the rest of my life and taking them makes me feel sick and i don't drink water no matter how hard i try bc the more i drink the more sick i feel and sometimes i go days without drinking water and sometimes i don't eat and sometimes i'm starving but after a single bite i'm full and somehow i'm still gaining weight and i can't expect anyone to care about this constantly because i'm no one's goddamn concern or burden anyways today i'm feeling really introspective and i want to sit with my feelings for a bit but i can't because once i get home (in the train right now) i have to have a one on one meeting with my course instructor and i miss acting but at the same time every time i think of it i think of that horrible incident a few months ago where i agreed to be in the ensemble of wizard of oz and the experience was so bad and the people were so awful and i was the only woc there and they treated me like dirt under their shoe and every time we had a show to put on i felt ill from how miserable i was and now i'm scared all my acting experiences will all be like this and i'm so tired i want to be held and comforted and i want someone to allow me to cry without telling me to cheer up and i want to stop being so nervous every time i meet someone new and i want my skin to be clearer and i want to be healthier and i want my mother to stop abusing me and i want to just sleep in for a whole day and have no one bother me and i want to answer all these asks in my inbox because some are more than a year old and i feel so bad and i go back to school in the fall and i'll be working full time and i can't even say well i guess i had a good break year because i didn't i was working the whole time and i'm almost always around one parent and i want to write without my wrists feeling pain and i want everyone to leave me alone.

[tad-aima]

twenty six and a half

twenty six twenty six twenty six.

this age feels like not real? I don't know how to put it into words properly, but more than once i have answered I'm 25 years old. it's like I'm denying my real age that is 26. (or I'm just being forgetful).

so the pandemic is very much over, no? we don't have to wear masks outside most of the times and pcr or swab tests are not required for travelling anymore. the funny thing about not wearing masks, after like 3 years of wearing it every time I leave the house, is how conscious I am about my face, especially my mouth. the first time I left home without a mask, I was almost embarrassed? like I really didn't remember how it feels like to show my face to others. it took me like one or two weeks, to get used to not wearing mask. human is amazing in the way that we really just get used to things and also forget things that we used to do, and learning it again as if it was a new thing. I don't know what I'm saying.

there were some internet posts that go like "the age when a lot of people your age getting married, having a child, or getting a divorce". and I think, I'm at that age? my instagram stories are almost filled with weddings or engagement parties on the weekends. (baby posts are more sporadically, sometimes it's on wednesdays, sometimes it's on fridays. because you know people don't just have their kids on weekends. once you have kids, you have them every day.) and recently I just learned that someone my age was getting a divorce. some friends are going abroad for postgraduate school. some friends are completing marathons. some friends started building business. that made me realize that, unlike school years when most people have almost predictable life progress, life after school is really different for each person. I really need to remind myself a lot these days that I should not be comparing myself to others. each of us has different paths and different obstacles. that however is easier said than done. I think I've compared myself with others a lot these days and I did it unconsciously. it was so easy for me to feel not enough and anxious. it is only recently that I managed to get back to my old self (although that statement alone is confusing, which old self version of me that I'm trying to be? but that's a story for another day). my efforts of getting myself back include meeting up with some friends whose company I enjoy, reading books that I enjoy, listening to songs that I enjoy, and trying to completely savoring moments that I enjoy, feeling my soft pillows and listening to the sounds produced by the birds and the leaves. I think that's why it's important for us to know ourselves, so we can take care of ourselves and we can find ourselves whenever it felt like we are about to lost ourselves. that sounds like it makes sense now. we'll see whether next year-me will think the same.

other changes that happened to me is that I go to the gym more frequently now that they're open until 9 pm. some days when I feel like I have enough energy, I go to the gym after work on weekdays. I mostly use treadmill, but it's actually a progress that I go there more often hahaha. I still haven't shed the weight put on since I start living back at home, but let's not focus on that yet. all that matters is now I'm moving my body more frequently. my younger self will find this fascinating. to be honest, my current self actually feel very proud whenever I do go the the gym. I wasn't really an active person and really did have weak stamina (sometimes I feel like I still have weak stamina). the fact that I'm exercising regularly is just something my younger self wouldn't have expected.

a year is long and also not long, it depends on how we see it I guess. cheers to being 26!

this year's song: Banda Neira - Kau Keluhkan, because I sigh and complain a lot this age. and a little tmi: this blog name is inspired from this song. esok pasti jumpa. esok, tomorrow. tomorrow sounds hopeful. esok pasti jumpa

[free--therapy]

Also, I just wanna say I'm really sorry for bothering you so much. You are always so kind  to me and over the long long time I've been following your blog, you've helped me countless times without ever making me feel judged. I'm just so grateful. And I keep feeling like I can never say that enough tbh 💗

Even this time, I'm sort of experiencing a setback or relapse of anxiety of sorts and I've asked for your advice so many times the past few weeks but you've never turned me away. I'm really really thankful.

This period is scary to me. Especially because until now, I've only ever experienced small setbacks of anxiety when I had long vacations or something like that. But when I resumed going out, it used to go away and I would move on by remembering to practice healthy patterns and focusing on my life instead of overthinking the worries.

But it's almost been two weeks since my vacations this time ended and I've joined a course for the next few months before looking for jobs. I've been going out everyday for the past two weeks and these worries are still strong as ever which is scary to me. Because having so many worries and being so anxious despite being busy and having other things to do is new and unfamiliar to me. Until now I used to think vacations = overthinking and college/going out = moving on and focusing on life. But I haven't been focusing on things as much despite starting to go out recently.

I've been spending so much time in my head throughout the day despite having things to do. This is scary because it makes me feel like if this keeps going on then what if my everyday life ends up always being like this? Unlike before where I mostly had worries coming back in long vacations, what if this ends up being a permanent thing?

The last one week has been especially hard because new worries which feel like they'll never go away have been popping up out of nowhere especially the intrusive thoughts and related worries and I have few times where I wonder will I ever even recover from this and move on? Will there ever be good times again? Because the past few weeks, when I wake up, for a few seconds it feels good then immediately after, I remember that "oh I've been having these worries and thoughts" and it drowns my mood immediately after.

Honestly I haven't felt this negative since 2021 when I opted for therapy but right now, it's not possible for me. That is why, I'm super grateful for your blog! I've been trying to learn a lot through the resources here and with all your help too.

This new problem with the intrusive thoughts is definitely very very unwanted for me right now especially with the way it's progressing and getting complex.

I know that with anxiety, every worry tends to feel exaggerated and more negative. I also know how when one worry goes away, the mind tries to come up with another one which might be even worse than the earlier one. And so far, this worry related to the realistic intrusive thoughts is one of the hardest I've ever dealt with. But if there's something I've realised it's that it feels worse the more I repeat it in my head. The more I think about it or actively imagine it, the worse it feels and the more complex it gets with more and more scary thoughts related to it emerging.

To make things worse, I've been remembering the things I read on those OCD forums/pages and been feeling what if I end up developing those disorders and behaviours too. Especially since I've read some people talking about how it's not really possible to completely recover from certain disorders like OCD or PTSD or some other anxiety disorders. Of course, I don't have any official diagnosis since I worry about very random things of all kinds most of which I've somehow borrowed by reading negative things about them.

I've mentioned this to you before but I have a tendency to mimic or somehow "take" other's worries for myself when it comes to anxiety. Whenever I read someone say something really negative about any certain disorder or illness or symptom, it sticks in my mind. Especially when it's a chronic problem of any sort- I'm really scared of those. Because it makes me feel like if something really long term painful or chronic happens to me, I won't be able to deal with it after a while and will get really depressed or something.

My therapist from two years ago told me that I underestimated my own ability to cope and I believe she's right. Before I can start, when a new big worry comes up (related to anxiety), I immediately start thinking "omg will this go away? what if it doesn't? what will happen to me then?" Basically just overthinking and trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario.

So if I read someone say something really negative about any illness especially about any mental health issues or disorders, I'll start worrying what if I get that too? Then I'll start purposely thinking about it. As in, I remember I never worried about intrusive thoughts until I read about it two years ago. Then I started worrying what if I have those too many times and it turns into a problem for me too?

Around that time, I was feeling guilty about mistakes things and about the content that I had watched. So I ended up attaching the two somehow. Recently too, when my mind was scrambling to find more things to worry about, I somehow remembered intrusive thoughts and while literally all images that my mind popped in my head were unbothering to me since they were just in my head but then suddenly few days ago, it made me think of this new realistic ones as if they're there in real life in my house or in any place I'm at. As if I can literally imagine them in real life and these intrusive thoughts did bother me.

Until now, all the worries I've had related to any topics- all those topics are ones that I read people struggling with. Almost all of them, I read about two years ago when I used to read forums. I take the topic and think about it then decide that it doesn't affect me and leave it but subconsciously I'll start thinking about it every now and then until somehow I start comparing my everyday habits or thoughts to those of the people I read about. I'll try to make my thoughts or habits or behaviours to turn into sounding somehow similar to theirs. As if forcefully trying to make connections that don't actually exist.

This is also why I really regret reading those back then because it makes me think how good it would've been if I didn't have these thoughts to worry about. But I also know it's not useful regretting the past.

I read some posts about radical acceptance on your blog that really helped me with this! 💗

Honestly, I haven't been feeling like myself the past few weeks because of this. I mean after such a long happy period, suddenly having to feel and think like this when I thought I had gotten over this for good is so hard and disappointing. Especially since when I did have a few setback in the last year and a half, they were very very minor and about the same worries more or less.

But this time, it's a completely new thing which is very uncomfortable and scary and more anxiety triggering definitely. And not feeling like myself + these intrusive thoughts which feel like they'll never go away all makes me feel so less hopeful.

But I also feel like it's because I spend all my free time or idle time constantly trying to rationalise but eventually getting caught up in my head all the time. I mean, unlike before when in my free time, I used to think about what should I do today, what shall I have for dinner, what new things can I do or thinking about my favourite anime/manga/songs, going out , etc. now I spend almost ALL my free time trying to find ways to fix this or fix myself and worrying and trying to solve my worries and that sort of cycle.

So despite having things to do, I haven't been focusing on them at all. Instead, spending all my time worrying and thinking how this is unfair, how no one around me seems to have these troubles, about why I have to go through this, pitying myself, etc. I want to get out of this and just get to living my life again.

But still, I wanna believe that it'll be okay. I hope I can learn and grow and move on happily from this soon 🍀

I've been wondering, do you think I can get over this period of anxiety relapse? Will I ever get over these new realistic intrusive thoughts and all related what ifs and habits? Can I learn to be okay and move on from this? Can I really heal and be okay and happy again regardless of what problems or  thoughts or worries I have? Is it okay to believe in that and be hopeful?

Have you had relapses too? Or this kind of negative thinking after long happy periods? How did you deal with it? How did you manage to keep believing in the hopeful side?

Also, thank you for being here. I really really mean it. I don't know what I would've done without all your help. I've been considering to share this problem regarding intrusive thoughts with my sister but since she has her problems going on, I don't know if I should even though she said I should tell her because she only has few months until she leaves. But I feel weird as if she won't understand these worries or she'll think it's silly or something. She's not the type of person who gets anxious easily so I don't know if she will understand. What if I end up bothering her more?

So because of that, I'm really thankful that I have your blog as a safe space to share my worries! That said, if I ever ever start feeling annoying or bothersome to you or you start feeling drained because of me, please let me know! I don't ever mean to do any of that. And if you've been feeling that way, then I'm really sorry and please don't hesitate to let me know!

Also, I know I share a lot of random details of my life or my day sometimes while explaining my problems. Sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable or if it's bothersome in any way. Please let me know if you don't want me to as well!

You've helped me learn to believe that I deserve happiness and love regardless of my mistakes or different opinions. Of course I have days when I doubt that but I always remind myself of things you told me which makes me eventually again believe that I in fact, do. I'm so grateful for all your help with every worry and I thought I should let you know 💗

Hey Anon,

I think because you're now in another state of anxiety, it's starting to bleed into your every day life. You've allowed your mind to occupy your every day life, which is now starting to affect you in ways you probably don't want it to and it's likely because you've been giving these thoughts way too much power over you than you used to. This won't be a permanent thing though because you're in the midst of figuring out your mind and how to deal with it. I can understand though how it might feel like you're taking a step backward, but perhaps your mind can't handle the attempts to distract itself with work/life and there are things that need to be addressed instead of repressed.

You will also need to understand how your body works in terms of activating fight-or-flight mode. This is something that we're not supposed to be in 100% of the time, but because your body has been operating in this mode for years now, any time you settle a threat, it's going to always be looking for new ones, which is probably why a whole bunch of new things are popping up rightt now. In a way, this is good because it means that you were handling the old thoughts and threats so well that now it wants you to focus on new things. As defeating as it can feel to have to deal with new things, you already know what to do to conquer them! It sucks when you're already so exhausted from dealing with the other thoughts that now you have to deal with more, but I know you can do this. Just remember that your mind is just looking for reasons to be anxious and that a lot of anxiety or anxious thoughts are irrational. Your mind is stuck in a negativity bias and that's why it's so easy to be drawn to the negative even from other people. It doesn't mean that only the negative exists though. There is just as much positivity as there is negativity and it's your goal to search for that :)

Have you had relapses too? Or this kind of negative thinking after long happy periods? How did you deal with it? How did you manage to keep believing in the hopeful side?

Yes, I've definitely had times where I feel like I've gone backwards, even now. Probably last month was the most recent time, but it gets so much easier to deal with as you go along because you realize that it doesn't matter what kinds of thoughts you're having, you recognize that it's something similar to what has happened in the past and that you can overcome it, just like you have before. Sometimes I get so used to thinking I'm healed, but life always finds ways to remind me of the parts that still need some work, and honestly I'm glad for that. It keeps me humble and in check. I hang onto knowing that I've made it through all of my hard times before so I can do it this time too. I find that certain moments don't last as long as they used to and I'm able to be comfortable enough to sit with myself and tackle these hard times without fear of them taking control of my life.

Don't feel discouraged, Anon. This is just part of the journey. You'll feel like you're making moves and then all the sudden you're taking a few steps back--this is normal. Healing is not linear, so you will be faced with moments that feel like defeat, but all you need to do is get back up and keep fighting forward. You've got this! Please don't feel like you're a burden to me at all. I know how to set boundaries with myself to make sure I'm prepared to read and answer them all in a way that I would want to be approached if I were in your shoes (and I mean, I have been there :)) I'm happy to know that I can make an impact on someone's life in this way, so thank you for taking that leap of faith and trusting me with your worries.

[deltalunaris]

Effective immediately, ALL of my blogs- except for my SFW fanart/fandom blog (TBA)- are ADULTS ONLY, NO MINORS UNDER 18.

It’s a decision I have put serious thought into, and I do not make it lightly.

[Reasoning under the cut; feel free to ignore.]

I did want to have a majority of my blogs be accessible for anyone 16+, especially those who needed access to any of the trauma-related resources I hope to write on soon.

However, as I work on myself, I realize that I can’t put myself in those shoes.

Outside of my own family & duties, I am not meant to be any minor’s constant, reliable safe space. That is for qualified professionals to oversee, and not some mid-20s stranger on the Internet who is still figuring life out.

As well, I don’t feel it’s safe to have minors mix in with the otherwise older audience I’m expecting. I have experienced in-fandom predation myself when I was a minor, so I feel it’s important to do what I can to prevent this from happening again. I know I can’t be there to stop every creep, but I can limit their reach.

Lastly, I have wasted too much time trying to make my art, my story, my very being, palatable. I have panicked, fretted, and even lost sleep over the perceived possibility of making a piece that is too gritty, too raw, and ending up hurting/scarring someone younger in the process.

It has cost me days, weeks, months of nearly-finished to finished pieces left unsubmitted, sitting in their folders, rotting away as I work on more like them.

I need not explain why this is destructive not only to my career, but to my very creative process, my trauma recovery, my very soul.

It’s especially disingenuous to myself as a survivor of severe trauma, and no better than what was done to me when I was but a budding artist.

My story is one of a severely traumatized child who went through events most people would not have survived from, let alone want to survive.

That, inherently, isn’t safe for other children to be exposed to. Not until they’re old enough to not only understand, but to cope with knowing about these tragedies. Secondhand trauma is very, very real, as I have experienced myself.

Maybe I’m overexplaining myself- and I likely am- but this is important to me.

Shared safety as a whole is important to me.

Other artists may do things differently, but they’re not me.

I value others’ safety as much as I value my own comfort.

And that’s that.

Thank you for reading, and for respecting my boundaries on this matter.

More to come very soon, including actual art.

[EDIT]: In the event that I join a multi-animator project, I understand that there will very likely be the presence of minors. This does not bother me, as I do not use M/AP servers for socializing purposes, and I do not accept friend requests from servers in general.

In the rare situation that this happens, do not send me any requests or DMs unless you are the M/AP host OR are a verified M/AP helper. Unless you’re an adult and we end up connecting very well (incredibly unlikely; parasocial activity makes me nervous), I’m generally made anxious by strangers wanting to get into DMs with me. 

[justtryingtolosesomeweight]

TIme for whatever thoughts...

but diet first- what’s that diet I save a few months ago? Let’s see..

day 1: 900. Day 2: 800. Day 3: 900. Day 4: 1000. Day 5: 950, Day 6:1100. Day 7: 1100. Imma do 600 for Day 1 and 2 and I’ll feel better. I’m also going to fast for probably just 16 hours today. Luckily I have shit to do so I’ll be distracted. 

On these days, I just get stuck thinking about how much I ate so I’m not sure I can talk about anything else. I looked in the mirror and the damage isn’t as bad as I thought but it’s not looking good. Tomorrow I might look bloated but I cover it up anyways. I need more fruit, no more salt and fake ass sugar, please. I told my sibling that I was considering dropping the gym. They said I should do whatever I can stay consistent with. so maybe I’ll try some at home workouts. I should try to go to bed before 3 a.m. today. That might help. Although this blogging shit doesn’t help that case. But it’s good I have been getting some of my feelings out since I can’t really talk to my family about everything, especially not the diets, and I don’t have friends. Well, I have one friend but we just text and I can’t say that I feel like formulating my thoughts over text.

Ah, what else? Oh, I decided I would take the L on all of my assignments this week because I left them to today even knowing that I wouldn’t want to do shit after hanging out with family. So, I’m brilliant for that one. It’s not going to be a good semester... Well, I’ll pull through somehow and if it involves an occasion instance of me starving myself then whatever. Eating 1000 wasn’t so bad that one month. I just have to care more and not get so discouraged. I want to break this plateau for real this time.

Lowkey want to say fuck and do the anorexia and tell myself that funny joke where I’ll go back to eating to high 1550 or something after I lose a bunch of weight. A big inspiration is to drop like twenty pounds during the semester and maybe my professors will notice that I might have a problem. Ah, isn’t that the dream? Being pulled aside and asked if you’re alright? Unlikely, except for one professor. But you need to try hard for that one. Ah, what can I expect? 145? If I seven pounds a month for the next three months then that would be good. I need to expect more from myself when it comes to losing weight because I keep telling myself it’s fine but it’s not.

I wish I kept better records of the calories I was eating when I first got into this thing. I know I often stop at 900 and would eat until 1100 so I wouldn’t be that low. I just added up things in my calculator and called it a day. Sometimes I wrote down how much I had but not very often. And every time I considered dipping below a thousand for more than a day I got scared because of all those posts. Ah, but if I’m not skinny then what kind of life am I leading and is it worth it? Perhaps. I need to buy some vitamins if I’m going to be doing this. Potassium, b complex, iron is in multivitamin, d3, collagen, and magnesium. I’m always anxious about this stuff but you know when I’m here I know there’s someone with me in the same struggle. I often think about Jennette McCurdy’s book and how older people with eating disorders must have felt much more isolated. I also think about how her mom ate steamed vegetable for dinner every night. Or something to that degree. So maybe I don’t want to be that skinny where that’s my life. Or maybe it just shows you can live like that. I’ll figure out how skinny I want to be once I get there. And I will get there

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

Night Drive (Kim Hongjoong and Park Seonghwa) Rated

Pairing: Dilf!/College Professor! Kim Hongjoong × Younger College Student! Reader (Female) × Dilf/College Professor! Park Seonghwa

Genre: Smut, Fluff, Dilf AU.

Summary: Being picked up by her boyfriend for a date, Y/N has no idea about Hongjoong's plans nor about the surprise guest joining them in their little night drive.

Word Count: 6K+

Warnings: Aged up/Older Ateez (but age differences are still within legal boundaries), exhibitionism, voyeurism, breast play, fingering, tiny allusion to infidelity (which I do not condone nor justify), breeding/pregnancy kink, slight creampie kink, katoptronophilia (mirror kink basically), daddy word, degradation, manhandling, unprotected penetrative sex (always use protection), Dom! SeongJoong, Sub! Reader

Taglist: @seacottons @little-precious-baby @yunhofingers @multidreams-and-desires @brie02 @deja-vux @daniblogs164 @couchpotatoaniki @a-soft-hornytiny @yunsangoveryonder @minhyukmyluv @mingismoon @nanamarkie @ateezbabysitters @rainteez02

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Rolling down the darkly tinted window of his midnight black Buick Regal, Hongjoong greeted the young and beautiful student that was standing by the curbside of the entrance to his college dormitories, her face lighting up instantly when she saw him. Wasting no second, she quickly opened the door and fitted her frame inside the passenger seat of the car.

"I was supposed to get the door for you." His lips curled up slightly into a pout.

"I know, but..... I just couldn't wait to see you." Leaning over, she boldly pressed her lips against that of the older male's, a soft and content hum being breathed out by him, soon turning into an annoyed whine when she pulled back too soon for his liking.

"Professor." Her tone changed slightly, a suggestive giggle escaping her lips as she leaned back in, this time the kiss turning more heated with her tongue attempting to slide inside his mouth, which he would have allowed had he not had on the back of his mind the other plans he had for the night.

"Naughty naughty girl, wanting to get frisky not even a minute into our date." He snorted softly as one of his hands came up to lightly pat her cheek with his palm in a chastising manner.

Switching the gear shift to drive, Hongjoong pulled out of the entrance and onto the main road to take both of them to the place he had chosen for their nightly getaway. The girl beside him was clearly anxious and he didn't blame her. It had been a grueling time the past weeks due to the semester being over and everyone, students and teachers were stressing over final exams. Hongjoong's hand still ached somewhat from grading too many papers and reports, his head pulsing endlessly with a killer migraine. But at last, that was all over and he was finally able to take his younger lover out properly, spend time with her after missing her voice, touch, body, and all of her in general. He had the entire evening planned out, unlike anything she would have expected. It was hard for him to suppress the smirk creeping into his features as he thought about how the night would end if his plans succeeded how he wanted them to.

He often took a small glance to see her pretty face looking out the window, tediously watching all the shops and cars they passed on the drive to whatever destination he was taking to her, which he adamantly refused to say, keeping his lips sealed. Every once in a while, he'd notice the way she squirmed in her seat, her fingers occasionally playing around with the hem of the white skirt she decided to wear or her palm straight on rubbing the side of her thigh.

"Oh so you are indeed horny my little kitten. Absolutely perfect." Hongjoong thought to himself. It was exactly how he wanted her: wet, horny and desperate by the time they made their first stop.

"Honey, I hope you don't mind, but I have to stop here for a second."

The girl didn't protest, simply nodded and didn't think too much about him pulling up and parking in front a luxurious building. Parking the car, Hongjoong waited patiently until a familiar figure finally came out and made their way over to his car, waving a hand in his direction. Not knowing there already was an occupant in the front seat, the stranger hastily opened the door, taking a step back when he saw who was sitting next to Hongjoong.

"Y/N?" He questioned in shock.

"Professor Park?" She exclaimed just as he, her head whipping over to demand an explanation from Hongjoong as to why one of the other professors from the university was currently there, especially when their relationship was to remain a secret from the school. Hongjoong however kept his grin plastered on, as if nothing was the matter.

"Sorry Hwa, looks like someone already took your seat."

Pointing over at the backseat, his friend let out a soft huff as he began closing the door.

"Wait! Seonghwa, don't close that door yet."

Reaching his hand over, Hongjoong unbuckled Y/N's seatbelt before telling her:

"Honey, go ride in the back with him."

Her eyes bulged out, her mouth muttering softly to him if he was insane, yet Hongjoong was still calm as he reached a hand up and caressed her cheek.

"Trust me baby." He whispered before placing a soft peck on her lips.

Reddening significantly, Y/N got out of the car, thanking the other male when he was kind enough to open the door for her to let her inside first before he himself took his place right next to her. Both of them looked over at each awkwardly, wondering what on earth was Hongjoong thinking. Y/N averted her gaze and stared at the floor mat, desperately hoping that afterwards, the witness to hers and Hongjoong's relationship wouldn't go directly to the school board and cause problems for them. Seonghwa on the other hand had so many questions spiraling in his head, mainly his friend's relationship with the student next to him, and more importantly, why he had kept that secret from him. The car ride now felt even more long and brooding with the tension in the air, the music playing from the stereo not helping at all and just making the environment more unpleasant.

Looking back at them through the rearview mirror, Hongjoong let out a small chuckle.

"I'm sure you're both wondering why I brought you here without telling you the reasons."

Seonghwa and Y/N glanced briefly at one another, the older male shrugging softly, just as lost as she was. Sighing softly, Hongjoong continued.

"Well to start off, I think it's very clear that all those rumors about a teacher and student sleeping together are indeed true my friend."

Seonghwa widened his eyes at Hongjoong, his lips parting as he let out an astonished scoff. Although more than once he heard a few whispers every now and then about his colleague getting too friendly with one of his students, he always believed them to be lies, knowing Hongjoong to be a sensible and well respected professor that would never risk his career over something like that. As if reading his friend's thoughts, Hongjoong piped up once more.

"What can I say? I couldn't resist myself when I saw her, especially when you see what's underneath those clothes of hers."

Peeking his head over, Hongjoong sweetly smiled at the quiet girl.

"Baby, do me a favor and unbutton your blouse for me. Let Seonghwa see those pretty tits of yours."

Y/N was taken aback by his sudden order, her voice getting caught in her throat and stammering out a bit of gibberish as she tried to remind herself to form proper words.

"Hong- Hongjoong!" She whisper yelled at him, embarrassed about being asked to do such a dirty request in front of another teacher. Seonghwa himself shifted uncomfortably in his seat, still saying absolutely nothing as he tried to look somewhere else.

"Oh come on kitten, don't be shy. You have the cutest set of tits a man could see. Besides...." Y/N could clearly see the smug grin on he was donning through the rearview mirror, his eyes also looking at her direction.

"I know very well you want Seonghwa to touch you. I heard you the other day talking with your friends, and if I remember correctly, you said you wouldn't mind having him play with your body and be his little toy."

Y/N lowered her head in shame. She didn't believe Hongjoong would have heard her when she said that. She didn't even dare lift her eyes to the man next to her, afraid of seeing whatever expression he had in his face. She did however, hear him chuckle amusedly, his voice finally being heard.

"Oh my. Hongjoong, is she really that much of a whore that she's fantasizing about fucking other men even when she has you?"

Taking off his seatbelt, Seonghwa scooted over towards her, his face coming so dangerously close she could feel his breath against her ear.

"What darling? Does he not fuck you enough? Is he not treating you properly? Or do you perhaps just want a more......endowed cock?"

Y/N couldn't help but shudder when his hand lifted up to cup her chin, turning her face so he could look her directly in the eye. Seonghwa couldn't deny that her startled look turned him on extremely.

"Now I'm extremely curious to find out just how cute you really are without those clothes on. Is Hongjoong just talking you up or am I really going to have to restrain myself from eating you up if I tear those clothes off one by one?" He hummed softly as he brushed his lips against hers, causing Y/N's breath to hitch slightly.

"Kitten, I believe I gave you an order a few minutes ago and you know I hate repeating myself. Undo your shirt so Seonghwa can look at your chest."

Y/N bit her lip as her hands reached up and began to pop each of the buttons of her grey cardigan. The pair of eyes on her right were burning a hole right through her and it only served to deepen the intense wanting she was feeling in between her legs. After undoing enough buttons to expose her black bra, Y/N pulled the material down enough so her breasts could pop out of them. The soft groan her teacher emitted helped fuel her pride, especially after looking up and seeing him nearly drool at the sight, tongue coming out to moisten his luscious and pink lips.

"Fuck Joong....you weren't kidding when you said she has a pretty rack." His hand clenched and unclenched itself in an effort to meet from reaching out to cup one of her tits in his palm.

Knowing exactly the lustful thoughts running through his friend's mind, Hongjoong was more than willing to grant them without any grudges.

"Now kitten, I want you to be a good girl and let Seonghwa play with you as he wants. Tonight, you're going to be his personal toy and you have to do everything he tells you to do. Am I making myself clear?"

Y/N quickly nodded, too aroused and turned on that she wouldn't have cared if it was Seonghwa touching her and Hongjoong watching or Hongjoong touching her and Seonghwa watching. She just wanted someone to help the emptiness she was feeling.

"You're serious about this Joong? I can really use her as my personal sex toy?" He questioned with a wicked grin, hand coming up to clasp around Y/N's jaw.

"She's all yours Hwa. We have a couple minutes before we reach the hotel that I booked a room in. Think you can get her wet enough by the time we get there?"

Seonghwa let out a hearty laugh at Hongjoong's challenge.

"I'll get her drenched without making her cum, don't worry about it."

Tilting her face towards him, Seonghwa winked at her before crashing his lips onto hers. Just as she suspected, Seonghwa's lips were soft and plump, and they seemed to be avid fans of nibbling playfully against her own lips. The hand that was on her chin swooped itself down and pressed itself against her sternum, fingers delicately caressing the skin around it. Sweeping his hand with feather light strokes, Seonghwa moved his fingers across the top of her breasts and then to the sides, caressing each and every inch of her skin, being careful not to directly touch her nipples. He wanted to tease her, rile her up, have her writhe and whine about the lack of contact on the parts of her body where she most needed him. He was enjoying himself, enjoying as he silently tortured the girl by merely touching the outer parts of her soft mounds. It didn't take long for her to notice this cruel pattern of his, the frustrated groan she poured out as his tongue devoured her mouth being a tell tale sign.

"Such an impatient one." Seonghwa chuckled, dragging his tongue down the side of her neck.

He then surprised her by cupping one of her breasts into his large hand, tenderly massaging the spongy like flesh while his thumb worked to harden the nipple even more. Y/N threw her head back, giving Seonghwa more access to press tiny love bites across her neck and collarbone. His other hand, being bored with nothing to do, came up and proceeded to give the same treatment its twin was receiving, groping it and fondling it until she was releasing the cutest noises to bless his ears.

"If you're already like this with me just touching your breasts, how will you be when I play with that pussy of yours?"

Y/N couldn't help but let an embarrassingly loud moan escape when she heard him say that, her walls tightening and clenching around nothing as she thought about having Park Seonghwa sliding his hand in between her folds. Even Hongjoong was surprised by the effect his friend was having on her, making him slightly jealous and yet not so as he was enjoying glancing over every now and then to watch his beloved girl be used in such a way by another man. He couldn't quite explain why, but offering up his prized possession as nothing more than an object of pleasure to someone else, his closest friend nonetheless, made him get unbelievably hard. If he could, he would have whipped himself out and would have started to beat his meat, but unfortunately he had to pay attention to the road in front of him, going slightly above the speed limit in an effort to reach the hotel as fast as possible, all while occasionally sparing a glance or two through the mirror to look at Y/N's lust filled state of mind.

"Spread your legs for me young lady. Let me see just how wet you are."

Obeying without hesitation, Y/N made sure to pull up her skirt, revealing the skimpy choice of lace underwear she had chosen for the evening. Seonghwa sucked in a deep breath when he saw it.

"Did you come here knowing you were gonna get fucked?"

"More like hoping she would get fucked." Hongjoong spoke up with a lighthearted teasing tone.

Hooking his fingers on the top of her panties, Seonghwa practically ripped the material off her body, sliding it down her legs before bringing it up to his face and inhaling deeply.

"Oh god you smell so delicious." He grunted as his nostrils basked in the scent of her arousal.

"Why don't you keep them as a memoir? Cause after tonight, I'm not letting you touch her again."

Hongjoong's statement made Seonghwa remember that he still had a task at hand. Making sure to tuck her panties inside his pant pocket, Seonghwa turned his attention back to her glistening folds. They were practically inviting him to shove his hand as far as it could possibly reach inside, he was very tempted to even fist her tiny hole right then and there. But he would much rather prefer to work her up even further, tease her until she was begging him to fuck her. When she saw his hands come down, Y/N instinctively parted her knees even further, adjusting herself on the seat so he could reach every part of her exposed womanhood.

"You've trained the slut well Hongjoong." Both the trainer and his trainee lit up at the praise from their guest.

"Yes, my girl is the best." Hongjoong proudly added, as he reached a hand back to squeeze one of Y/N's legs in a loving manner.

Seonghwa's thumbs slid themselves right up to her groin, massaging the tendons at either side of her pussy, only briefly allowing them to brush against her lips. Y/N couldn't help but gasp as he pulled the flesh at either side, stretching out her wet entrance slightly, the cool air from the air conditioning hitting right at her slopping mound. Seonghwa continued this pattern of pressing her swelling lips apart and then rubbing his fingers down the sides, frustrating the recipient as he didn't actually touch the parts where she needed him most. He was toying around with her again, no doubt trying to get her to beg.

"Please daddy-" Being so frustrated by the slow, shallow movements of the fingers that refused to budge and stimulate her clit, Y/N called out for the person in front.

"Babygirl, you're asking the wrong person. I told you that for now you're Seonghwa's little plaything. So if you think I'm going to intervene, you're absolutely wrong." One corner of Hongjoong's lips curled up when they heard her pleading whines, yet he still did nothing.

"Why don't you ask him yourself what you want? No.... beg him. I know for a fact he likes girls who beg."

When she looked up at him with a pout, Seonghwa let out an amused chortle.

"What is it you want darling? Hmm? Tell me." He encouraged her as his fingertips faintly brushed against her clit, causing her legs to tremble and her hole to secrete more juices out her body.

"That... please...touch me there." She groaned as she tried to take hold of Seonghwa's hand and place it right on top of her heat, but he kept it firmly away, lightly laughing at the state she was in.

"Where darling? You're going to have to be specific."

He was making her feel more and more frustrated to the point of losing all timidity and decorum.

"Park Seonghwa fucking pound my pussy with your fingers!"

Hongjoong widened his eyes in amazement at her use of his colleague's name, but he wasn't mad. On the contrary, he wanted to see how her tiny show of disrespect for the older male, who was also her professor, would play out. Seonghwa stayed still momentarily, making Y/N believe that she might have gone too far. Just as she was about to apologize, a half strangled yelp was pulled out of her body when two fingers dove inside her drenched hole with no warning, aggressively starting a pace of deep strokes, burying themselves as far as they could reach. While his 2 longest fingers were busy working her open, his thumb decided to occupy itself by rubbing against her clit, its rhythm matching that of the other members.

"This what you wanted?" Seonghwa asked, lips attaching themselves onto her neck once more.

"Oh God yes! Yes! Fuck! You're gonna make me cum..you're going to.."

Y/N panted loudly, hips practically humping themselves against Seonghwa's hand, trying to reach that peak that was just within her reach. Just as she felt herself about to spill over, Seonghwa stopped all movements inside her pussy and against her clit, hindering her desire to cum.

"No! Please!" She cried out, eyes scrunching with tears as her head dropped back on the head rest of the car. When her own hand tried to reach down to her groin, Seonghwa was quick to catch it, nearly crushing it in his own.

"No darling, we're having none of that. I told you I was going to get you wet without letting you cum. We could have taken this the easy way but you chose to disrespect me and therefore I had to punish you. Now..."

Releasing her hand, he dropped his fingers and stuffed them back inside her pussy, her walls pulsing against them, screaming to be allowed to release into his palms.

"Let's try this again."

Y/N's eyes fluttered closed as she felt the delicious sensation of Seonghwa slipping his fingers in and out of her, this time setting a more slow and sensual pace. Being edged by him for what seemed like hours and having been dangerously close to her high just minutes ago, it didn't take long for Y/N to start producing those endearing moans of hers again, her high building up once again rather fast. She melted into his touch, hips once again grinding up as if they had a mind of their own. Just as her walls clenched up once again, Hongjoong made his presence known.

"We're here."

Letting out a disappointed sigh at being denied her orgasm again, Y/N began to quickly fasten the buttons of her top while Seonghwa helped out by adjusting her skirt and pulling it down to cover up her lower half. Helping her out of the car, Hongjoong gestured for them to follow him as he led them through the reception desk and towards the elevators. As if it was fate, the elevator they got in was completed alone, leaving the three of them inside as it climbed up towards the respective floor they were assigned to. Looking over and seeing was currently distracted by watching the numbers on the screen change, Seonghwa took the opportunity to continue his fun, fingers snaking under her skirt to cup her ass. Being startled by the sudden touch, Y/N let out a soft whimper that was heard by Hongjoong. Looking over, his eyes immediately spotted what was the cause of her reaction.

"Seriously, couldn't even wait til we were behind closed doors?" Hongjoong let out a disappointed click of his tongue.

"Hey, you did say I was free to play with her as I liked. Besides, wanna make sure she stays as wet as possible cause as soon as the door is locked, I'm stuffing her full of cock."

Y/N's thighs squeezed themselves together after hearing him say that, the action not going unnoticed by both men at her sides.

"Just wait a little longer doll and I'll make sure you cum like you want to."

It seemed like forever until the doors finally opened to let them onto their floor. Knowing just how antsy the other two were about fucking each other, Hongjoong went up ahead of them and quickly slid the key in. Opening the door, he let them both inside first, a suspicious smile still on his face that confused his friend.

"You're enjoying this a little too much aren't you?" Seonghwa quirked an eyebrow up at him, his hands making a quick work of his shirt.

"Oh trust me when I say I'll enjoy it even more by the end of it." Hongjoong answered as he took a seat on one of the beds.

"I don't want you complaining later though if your little slut prefers my cock over yours." Seonghwa's little taunt had absolutely no effect on Hongjoong, he knew very well where his sweet heart's love resided with.

Turning around, Seonghwa was surprised yet also not surprised to see Y/N already naked on the bed, her legs spread out and inviting him to take advantage of her. Her facial expression seemed restless, eyes begging him to come over and end her torture already. Coming over to the front and seeing her more clearly, Seonghwa felt his cock twitch when he saw her full nude body, the light in the room letting him fully see all the details he couldn't quite clearly make out back in the car.

"Oh lord, she is absolute stunning Joong." Seonghwa complimented as he finished undressing himself, his cock already leaking at the tip.

"I did tell you once that younger babes were extremely hot and better. Well now you get to fuck my babe." Hongjoong's face proudly donned a satisfied expression at someone else appreciating his girlfriend.

Looking over at the dresser that had complementary goodies left for them, Seonghwa went and grabbed the pack of condoms since he hadn't planned on getting lucky that night.

"Ummm actually Seonghwa, I want you to fuck her raw, and be sure to spill your cum inside her."

His friend wasn't the only one who looked at him as if he was insane, Y/N was shocked by his request.

"N-no Daddy......" Her voice called out.

"Hmm? Why not princess?" Hongjoong smoked at her.

"My birth control ran out 2 weeks ago. If he cums inside me, I could....." She didn't even dare finish that sentence, but she knew they understand what she meant. Hongjoong however continued to look unfazed, in fact, his smile grew wider, almost to the point of being mischievous, which slightly worried her.

"Even better if I ask me princess, you see..... I want you to be bred." His confession both scared and aroused both of the other two participants.

"You've really lost your mind."

Giggling at his friend's words, Hongjoong looked at him with an assuring gaze.

"No I haven't. But trust me Seonghwa, I won't say anything, no one will know. Just do me this favor and fill my baby's pussy up with your cum."

When Seonghwa still hesitated, Hongjoong decided to persuade him even further.

"Look at her and tell me you don't want to stuff her young cunt full of your cum. And if you do knock her up, think of how cute she'll look with a swollen belly, carrying your child."

Unable to resist looking over after Hongjoong painted that image in his head, Seonghwa's gaze dropped towards Y/N's stomach. He unconsciously bit his lip as he thought about how fertile she probably was, and the thought of impregnating her with a baby of his own was driving him wild. Tearing down anymore hesitations he had, Seonghwa went back over to where she was. Y/N gasped when he pulled her towards the edge of the bed, hands keeping her legs open as he rubbed the tip of his cock against her folds.

"You ready to get knocked up with one of my babies?" He chaffed at her, smirking when a loud moan was drawled out by her as she pressed herself against his shaft even more.

"Cause I know I can't wait."

Letting out a piercing grunt when the cock of her professor penetrated deep inside her, Y/N's hands clutched at the sheets underneath her, whimpers already being poured out as Seonghwa's hips snapped roughly against hers. She shut her eyes as she sunk deeper and deeper into a blissful, euphoric haze, feeling nothing but how deep the cock inside her was being driven in, the head brushing against her cervix. That thought alone had her inner flesh pulsing and squeezing against the girthy shady tearing her apart, making her dizzy and blind with nothing but lust. She couldn't even register or hear all the sounds coming out of her own mouth.

"Such a nice and tight pussy. Keep clenching around me like that and it won't take long for me to fill you up with my seed." Seonghwa hissed, a hand dropping to rest on top of her stomach.

Y/N's back arched upwards, mouth fully agape as the most earth shattering wails were produced even heard by the rooms next to theirs.

"You enjoying this darling? Don't worry. You're certainly not the only one."

Clasping his fingers around her jaw, Seonghwa tilted Y/N's face so she could look over at the bed next to where they were. She spasmed violently when she took in the image of Hongjoong, sitting there shirtless, pants and briefs pulled down enough so he'd be able to pump his cock in his hand. When he had undressed, she didn't know, but she couldn't take her eyes off him, watching as he jerked himself off to the scene of his friend fucking her into the bed, the pace of his hand matching the pace set by Seonghwa's thrusts.

"Oh trust me she's enjoying this just fine. She's absolutely loving being treated as nothing more than a fuck toy, being lent to another man as her owner gets off on the sight of her being bred." Hongjoong's words were not helping as she started to tense up, feeling ready to explode and cum all over the thick cock inside of her.

"Please, please Mr. Park..." She muttered out, face turning towards him once again.

"Please what toy? Speak up." He commanded her as he started grinding his hips harder into her, the movements of his pelvis rubbing against her engorged clit and heightening her pleasure.

"Please let me cum. Wanna cum." She begged him, whine after whine being forced out of her each time Seonghwa pushed back into her body.

Feeling merciful, especially after edging her so much in the car, and more so because he felt himself about to shoot his load in her as well, Seonghwa moved his hand that was on her stomach so it could come down and rub aggressively at her clit.

"Go on baby. Cum for me so I can breed you like the little bitch you are."

Y/N toppled over the edge after hearing those dirty words, strangled cries and unintelligible words slipping out of her throat. She couldn't stop shaking underneath the older man that was fucking her, body out of control as it twisted and writhed from the sensuous oblivion she fell into. Desperate gasps scrambled for air as liquid gushed out of her to coat the dick that was still being driven in her.

"Oh fuck fuck! I'm going to cum inside your little hole now."

She barely registered the grunts being said by the person in front of her, her body only feeling and paying attention to the hot fluids being impelled to her womb. Knowing she was full of cum and it was extremely probable she'd be pregnant thrilled and excited her, while simultaneously making her anxious and nervous.

After finally catching his breath, Seonghwa pulled out of her, the cum that was leaking out of her threatening to make him hard again and fuck her once more just to see it all over again.

"Don't get any ideas." The warning voice of his friend brought him back to the reality that the young woman on the bed was only borrowed for the moment, and mostly due to the sick amusement of said friend.

Dressing himself up in his clothes, Seonghwa went over where Hongjoong was.

"Satisfied?"

Hongjoong snorted as he looked down at the tiny splatter of cum that had dripped into the carpet.

"Very much so."

Rolling his eyes, Seonghwa finished putting on the last of his clothes before picking up his phone. Seeing the time, he apologized and told Hongjoong he needed to get home right away.

"I'll take a cab. I'm sure you probably want some more time with her."

Hongjoong blushed a little at his friend's insinuation. Before Seonghwa could walk out the door, Hongjoong called out to him.

"Hey....say hi to your wife and kids for me."

Seonghwa couldn't help the laugh that bursted out his lips.

"I will. See you soon."

Closing the door, Hongjoong was finally left alone with his girl, who was currently sitting up, staring at him intently. Getting up from his seat, he came over to where she was and helped her stand up. Smoothing out some of her disheveled hair, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, his free hand tilting her face up as he pressed his body closer to hers. Pulling away to soon for her liking, Y/N pouted at him as she wrapped her hands around his waist.

"Come on. We gotta get you cleaned up."

Taking her hand, he guided her inside the bathroom, where he sat her against the vanity counter. Noticing that she was still looking at him funny, Hongjoong tilted his head to the side and cupped her cheeks.

"What's wrong babygirl?" He mimicked her tiny pout, a feat he often did that tended to annoy her, making her feel as if she was a little child.

"Funny how you care so much about getting me pregnant, yet you get someone else to do the job for you."

Huffing loudly, she brushed past him to be able to get inside the shower, but she was quickly pulled back by one of his hands that slammed her back against the counter. Looking up, she was expecting to see an angry expression, but instead Hongjoong had a smirk that told her he was up to no good.

"Is that what's bothering you princess? The fact it wasn't me the one breeding you? Oh baby.."

Turning her around abruptly, Y/N gasped when he pried her legs open and pressed her chest against the cold marble counter. When she felt his dick come to live and poke at her ass, she immediately pressed her lower half out towards him, the action making Hongjoong get a smug expression.

"You really are the best girl kitten, offering yourself to me like the little slut you are."

Y/N felt her body getting hot once again when on of Hongjoong's hands caressed in between her thighs, running up dangerously close to her heat until he reached her entrance.

"Ok then kitten. Let's fill you up with my cum now, since you want it so much."

Being stuffed with a cock once more, Y/N clung onto the counter underneath her as Hongjoong was showing no mercy as he rammed into her from behind. He always did enjoy brutally fucking her until she was left sore and limping, something no one would have ever guessed given his stature being more on the shorter side. But he definitely made up for it with his experience in making a woman numb to everything except the feeling of his dick being pounded into their pussies, precisely the feeling Y/N was going through at the moment. Her head rested itself against the counter, unable to bear the overwhelming pleasure the man behind her was putting her through.

"Oh no no kitten. I'm having none of that."

Wrapping his hand around her hair and twisting it to a makeshift ponytail, Hongjoong forced her to look up into the mirror in front of her. The ravenous and almost beast like way his eyes stared at her made her weak, pussy contracting around his length as her legs started to wobble.

"Look at you, I want you to watch as I fuck you full of my cum. Look at how I'm going to knock you up with my kids."

Strangled panting was the only audible sounds Y/N could make out, through the mirror she could see that Hongjoong was falling into the same haze she was in. Releasing her hair, he wrapped his hand around so it could rest on the top of her belly button, gently caressing the soft skin there.

"You're such a good girl for letting me do this. You know I'll take care of you right?" His loving reassurance, followed by the light presses his lips made on the nape of her neck were making her go insane. Her mind was running wild with thoughts of Hongjoong getting her pregnant, such a risky and dangerous situation but she was ready for it.

"Hongjoong fill me up! Fuck a baby into me! I want it, I want your cum!"

Her desperate pleas had an immediate effect as Hongjoong pistoned his cock deeper in her, a few last powerful jolt of hips and he was filling her to the brim, her tight pussy making sure to milk him out of every last drop of cum he had in him. Feeling him spill inside her and seeing him throw his head back in pleasure through the mirror, Y/N followed not long afterwards, shockwaves rippling through her body in another intense orgasm. It was a miracle Hongjoong still had his hands around her hips to keep her from falling down to the ground due to the violent shake of her legs. Even after they had both calmed down, Hongjoong still stayed nestled inside of her, nose brushing against the back of her head, inhaling her scent passionately. He let out a tired hum as he buried his face into her neck.

"I love you so much." He admitted, which made Y/N smile.

"I love you too." She responded, turning her head to press a kiss on his temple.

"And I can't wait to carry your baby."

[whatupitsastarrynite]

Into The Fire

A/N- Goooooood evening everyone! We hope your week started off great and that your Monday hasn't been too terrible! If it by chance has been.... here is a fic? Maybe it will cheer you up???

Thanks for all the support that you have given @starrynite7114 and myself, we appreciate it so so much and we hope you enjoy our first actual fic together!

We love y'all !!! ❤❤❤❤

You groaned, your phone had been ringing nonstop. You had just finished an on call week and all you wanted to do was sleep. But instead, you were being awoken at six at night.

“Fuck I slept the day away.” You sighed. The ringing stopped and you were grateful for that. But before you could even debate whether you wanted to continue to sleep the day away or move, the ringing came again.

Picking up your phone, you saw that it was Bishop. The club president rarely called you, when he usually did, it was to update you on your father who was serving life in prison. You weren’t exactly sure why your tio insisted on giving you updates when you visited your father every two weeks. But you knew it was his way of trying to keep in touch with you.

You let out an annoyed sigh and quickly hit the answer button.

“What is it?” You grumbled as you rubbed your eyes.

“Finally, look, there isn’t time to explain, but we need your help, now, your Tio Marcus got taken earlier and he’s in bad shape.” Bishop quickly explained.

Your stomach dropped. “Where at?”

“The factory.”

You kept medical supplies in your car in case of emergencies and in the event the club came calling. It was rare since Bishop tried to assure you didn’t interact with Angel. Bishop doesn’t know what occurred to cause the falling out between you two and he didn’t bother to question it, all he knew was that he was going to stay out of it and tried to keep you away from one another as much as possible.

Right now, all your drama with Angel was irrelevant. You couldn’t focus on your shit with him, you could only focus on changing your clothes and throwing on your shoes. You gave the house a once over before you grabbed your keys and all but ran out of the house.

You knew the way to the factory like the back of your hand, you had driven it countless times due to this exact reason. You had always made yourself available to the MC any time they needed a patch up, some medicine or even just an ear to listen to their troubles, you were there. You did everything in your power to make sure that your past with Angel didn’t interfere with you helping your family and usually that worked well because you were able to patch up a guy here, listen to one there, and you never crossed paths with Angel. However, there were times like tonight where you had no choice but to see the man.

You were so deep in your troubled thoughts that you barely realized that you had made it to the factory. You parked the car and jumped out, doing a half jog to make it up to the door. With every crunch that your feet took on the gravel, you inhaled deeply in an attempt to steady your nerves. Despite you being one of the top surgeons at your hospital, you still got nervous, especially when it came to working on family.

You took one last breath before you pushed into the factory. The typical hustle and bustle of dress making was gone and replaced by dead silence. Your boots clicked on the concrete floor as you made your way to the back of the warehouse. You could only imagine the scene that was going on behind the heavy metal door that separated the regular dressmaking world and the cartel world.

You didn’t linger for too long, your eyes scanned the door and you sighed as you pushed it open and made your way into the room.

The first thing you noticed was the vibe in the air, it was tense, so tense that you felt your own muscles starting to tighten up. The next thing you registered was the groans of pain that were coming from around the corner. You sped up, knowing full well those noises were coming from Marcus. As you rounded the corner, Marcus came into your view and you had to stop the gasp from escaping your lips as you took in his beaten appearance.

A movement from your left caught your eye and you turned your head to come face to face with a man that you formed an unlikely alliance with and saw as a friend. His typical suit was gone, and he was in regular dark washed jeans, black boots, a simple back shirt and a leather bomber jacket. His usually perfect hair was messed up a tad and he had a black bandiana in his hands, you followed his movements and realized he was wiping blood off of them.

“I tried to get them to take him to the doctor across the border, but everyone insisted that you would want to be the one to help Marcus.” Miguel said softly. You could hear the MC shuffling around as you shared this tiny moment with Miguel.

“I would have been insulted had I not been the one to help.” You said with a small smile.

Miguel nodded slowly and his eyes flicked over to where Marcus was sitting. His expression changed to a more pained one before he schooled it back to his neutral resting face. Your gaze followed Miguel’s and you looked at Marcus, he had numerous wounds that made your insides twist with anger.

You cleared your throat and made your way over to him. Miguel followed you and as you neared Marcus, Bishop walked over and pulled you into a firm hug.

“Thanks for coming sweetheart.” His voice rumbled into your ear.

“You couldn't have stopped me from coming to help you even if you tried.” You replied.

Bish nodded and you slowly bent down to look at Marcus’s injuries more closely. Your hands shook slightly as you mentally cataloged all his flesh wounds. You examined his hands, cringing when you noticed some nails had been ripped off. His left eye was black and blue, swollen shut and he had a nasty cut on his neck.

You sighed and quickly got to work. Off in the corner to your right, you could feel Angel staring holes into your skull. You cleared your throat again and clenched your jaw as you cleaned out the deeper wounds. Angel hated being ignored, it was a trigger of his, but you couldn’t risk looking over at him and falling into those deep brown eyes.

“Thank you mija,” Marcus whispered.

You looked up at your tio and gave him a half smile that didn’t reach your eyes.

“I just hope you killed the men that did this to you.” You knew they did, there was no way they would leave them alive.

Marcus chuckled, but it ended up turning into a wheezing cough.

“Miguel made sure of that.” He replied after his coughing fit had subsided.

You glanced over your shoulder and gave Miguel a small smile which he returned.

From the corner, Angel watched the exchange and clenched down on his jaw, physically stopping himself from asking a question that would fuck up the already strained relationship between the MC and The Galindo Cartel. Angel couldn't help the ugly jealousy that stirred in his chest as Miguel hovered over you while your nimble fingers tended to Marcus' wounds. If Angel could put a description on it, he would say Galindo looked like a Pitbull right now, floating around you in a protective manner that made Angel's stomach churn with anxious nausea.

"You good?" Ez whispered from beside Angel.

All he could do was nod, he knew if he spoke then Ez would hear the stress and anger in his voice and he would pounce on it like the little "fixer" he was.

Miguel crouched down next to you, his shoulder bumping yours, and the small contact caused Angel to ball his fists up and turn to look at the worn down wall. He couldn't look at the two of you, not right now, not when he felt a million different complex emotions flying at him from numerous different ways.

"Chill mano." Coco said softly from Angel's other side.

Angel rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest as he tried- but failed to block out your voice.

"He should be good after I stitch up this last wound here, he needs to rest Miguel." You stated in a professional yet sentimental tone.

You could feel Miguel's shoulder pressed against yours and your nerves kicked up just a tad. Miguel Galindo was a powerful, intense man with perfect bone structure and impeccable fashion taste. Underneath all of that- was a brutal, animalistic cartel leader who killed numerous people in the past.

Ever since Day 1, when Miguel walked into your hospital carrying his trampled wife, you managed to look past his cartel dealings. You always saw him- the man who was family oriented, loyal, fiercely protective and charming. All of your assumptions about him had became more permanent this year, after you spent almost every day tending to Dita's third degree burns.

Shit- Miguel practically hired you as his mothers personal doctor. Still to this day you saw her once a week, every week, to check in on her healing.

"There,” you gave him a small smile. “All better." You whispered as you finished off the last stitch and sat back on your heels. Marcus grimaced slightly, but he already looked so much better.

The elephant size weight on your chest lifted, and you found it easier to breathe now that he was okay.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Miguel rise to his feet. As you packed up your medical supplies, the cartel leader helped Marcus to his feet. You glanced up at him, making sure he had good balance and could stand.

You smiled at him when he could and you happily shut your kit.

As you went to stand, Miguel stretched out his hand for you to take. You didn't hesitate in grabbing it, and his long warm fingers wrapped around your hand and he pulled you up softly.

"Thanks." You stated as you let go of his hand and brushed off your pants.

"No, thank you. Truly, Marcus wouldn't have survived without you." Miguel responded.

"Please," you began

"Its true Mija. Thank you. I owe you so much." Marcus said cutting you off.

You gave him a half smile and moved to give him a soft hug, which he returned.

"Bed rest." You stated firmly as you pulled back.

"Yes ma'am." Miguel joked. Your eyes flicked up to his face and you took the time to appreciate his rare smile.

"Off you go then," you mumbled, bending down to pick up your kit.

Miguel nodded once more and then with the help of Nestor, he helped Marcus out of the room.

"Thanks for the call Tio." You said as the president came up to you.

"Nah, no worries. Just glad we got you to patch us up when we get hurt."

"Yeah, if you guys could stop doing that, that would be amazing." You said scrunching your face up as you followed your Tio outside.

The rest of the MC trudged behind, and you were silently thankful that Angel was all the way in the back.

Once outside, your eyes watched as Nestor got inside the SUV and drove away. You followed their vehicles for a split second before you turned your attention back to Bishop.

"Are there any other injuries I should know about?" You questioned with an arched eyebrow.

Bishop laughed and shook his head before he pulled you into a tight hug.

"Thanks sweetheart, go home, get some sleep." He said softly as you pulled out of his embrace. You gave him a smile and started to walk back over to your car. You pulled out your keys and fiddled with them for a second, trying your best to avoid looking over your shoulder at the MC.

You sighed as you unlocked your trunk and threw your medical kit. Your fingers gripped onto the cool metal of your trunk and you took a moment to steady yourself before you slammed it shut with more force than needed.

As you looked up from your car your eyes connected with Angel's. Even from across the lot, you could tell he was upset. His face was impassive and disconnected from everything around him. His eyes looked dead, and while part of you wanted to go over to him and hug him, the stronger, more irritated part of you wanted nothing to do with Angel.

He had hurt you-- and it had taken everything in you to leave him, but you managed to do it.

You swallowed thickly and ripped your eyes away from Angel. You could feel your throat closing off and you quickly jumped into the car. You glanced down at your body for a moment before you inhaled deeply and started the car.

You chanced one last look at Angel before you put the car in reverse and backed up. He was shaking his head and listening to something Ez was saying while twisting his rings absentmindedly.

You sighed again and peeled away towards your home. It never got easier when it came to seeing Angel, and the fact that a stray tear had fallen from your eyes and landed on your cheeks only solidified that fact for you.

The drive back to your house was quick, and you barely remembered it due to being so deep in thought.

You groaned as you pushed yourself out of your car, your lower back was killing you, and your feet felt like you had been walking on hot stones all day. All you wanted to do was to climb back in bed and sleep through your entire three day weekend.

As you opened your front door, your phone began to ring again and your body deflated at the thought of another Mayan needing your help.

You pulled out your phone and a wave of surprise washed over you when you saw it was Miguel.

You quickly answered it and tried your best to keep the exhaustion out of your voice.

"Hey."

"You sound tired." Miguel stated.

You rolled your eyes and dropped your stuff off on the kitchen island before you kicked off your shoes and padded down the hallway to your room.

"Yeah, busy week." You replied.

You heard Miguel hum on the other end of the line and the break in the conversation made you nervous.

"What's up?" You questioned, running out of patience.

"I wanted to ask you to dinner, as a thank you for saving Marcus's life."

A you could respond with was a lame "Oh," you froze in the doorway to your bedroom and searched for the right words to say.

"Tomorrow. 7 o'clock, at The Rosa. I can have a car pick you up." Miguel responded smoothly as ever.

You chewed on your bottom lip as you considered his proposal. Over the months you and Miguel had steadily become good friends, you enjoyed spending time with the man and loved his entire family. Every time you visited his house you ended up staying for hours, either talking with Dita, joking with Emily or playing with Cristobal.

"Um sure… yeah, that sounds great Miguel." You finally answered

"Perfect! See you then, oh and Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"Get some sleep por favor."

You smiled to yourself and nodded.

"You got it boss."

Miguel chuckled and the pair of you wished each other a goodnight before you clicked off the phone and tossed it onto your inviting bed.

It took you no time at all to strip out of your clothes and tuck yourself into your sheets. As soon as your head hit the pillow, your eyes closed and you drifted off into dreamland.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You woke to the sounds of birds chirping outside as the sunlight peeked through your shades and welcomed the morning to you.

You stretched and let your hand run absentmindedly up and down your stomach while the other hand rubbed the morning crust out of your eyes.

You loved waking up naturally, without an alarm barking at you or your phone blaring arrogantly. You sighed and let both of your arms fall onto the mattress with a soft thump.

Mornings like these were always so still and quiet. You reveled in it, if was one of the few times where your mind was just as silent as the world around you.

You let your arm feel around for your phone and when you found it, you looked at the time and sighed.

11:00 am

Despite wanting to stay in bed, you did have a lot to do today. You had to go to the grocery store, wash your clothes along with your dishes and then you had to go visit your mother's grave and wish her a happy birthday. On top of all of that, you had to get back here and get ready for dinner by 7 PM.

You groaned and checked your messages, a small smile formed on your lips as you read one from Coco.

Coco: Can you talk to Letty? She is out here running around with this boy who is shit. She won't listen to me. Maybe she will listen to you.

You chuckled and imagined the conversation that Letty and Coco had about her new boyfriend. Whatever it was, it couldn't have been successful otherwise he wouldn't have texted you.

You: Yeah I can come over to the clubhouse later around like 8 or 9? Talk to her?

You went to turn off your phone, not expecting Coco to respond right away, but the ding caused your attention to shift back to your phone.

Coco: Yeah, yeah that will work. We are having a party here tonight anyway..sure she is gunna show up with Gabi."

You smiled again and clicked off your phone before you threw the blankets off of your body with a sigh.

"Let's start this day." you muttered to yourself.

It took you no time at all to throw on some comfy athletic clothes.

First thing to do was head to the graveyard to visit your mother.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You sat down on your couch and let out a yawn. You opened your water bottle and drank like a dehydrated animal. The cool water rushed into your throat and you loved the way the refreshing feeling seeped through your whole body.

You stroked your stomach again and sighed.

You had to start getting ready, dinner was in an hour and you looked like you just finished running a marathon.

The timer on your dryer pinged signaling the completion of your final load of clothes. You thought about getting them out and folding them, but you didn't have the time, nor did you feel like it.

You finished off your water and pushed yourself off the couch and to your room. You already had an idea of what you wanted to wear and you went straight to your closet to pull it out.

It was a simple dark green dress that had a V neck, and thin straps. It came to your knees and had a small slit in it that revealed your thigh. You decided to pair it with some black heels that wrapped around your ankle and your black clutch that matched.

You moved to your bathroom to do your hair, settling on straightening it. You kept your make up simple yet effective. Dewy foundation, brown eyeshadow, filled in brows with a nude lipstick.

You finished off your hair and make up and took a step back to double check it in your mirror. You flattened some stray hair pieces and smiled at your reflection. You couldn't deny you looked good.

It didn't take you long to put on your dress and heels, and you quickly finished off your look with some gold hoops and a gold minimalist necklace.

You checked yourself out in your full body mirror and you grimaced slightly at the extra weight you were carrying in your midsection, but you couldn't dwell on it, you knew you still looked hot.

Your eyes flicked over to your clock and your timing was perfect as you had 10 minutes until dinner. You walked over to your phone and sat on your bed as you opened your messages.

Miguel- Nestor should be there in 5 minutes.

He had sent that about 3 minutes ago so you figured Nestor would show up any moment now. You smiled at your phone slightly before you pushed yourself off your bed and unplugged your phone.

You checked yourself out one last time before you headed out to the living room to wait. You didn't have to wait long because as soon as you made it to the kitchen, your doorbell rang.

"Prompt." you mumbled to yourself as you grabbed your keys. You opened the door and came face to face with Miguel's best friend and bodyguard.

"Evening Y/N." Nestor greeted. You didn't miss the way his eyes raked over your form before they snapped back up to your face.

"See something of interest Nestor?" You joked before you walked out and shut your door. You turned to lock it and Nestor cleared his throat.

"Sorry." he apologized.

You waved him off and gave him a small smile. You weren't bothered by him checking you out, it was a silent compliment, plus, it gave you a small boost of confidence and that never hurt anyone.

"The drive should only be about 10 minutes." Nestor said as he pulled the SUV out of your driveway.

"I know, I have lived here my whole life." You joked, wanting to lighten the air between you two. Nestor was always so stiff and you felt the need to help him ease up. You weren’t his boss, you weren’t reporting anything to Miguel, you just wanted him to chill out.

Nestor chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry, I'm just not used to Mikey having friends. Don't really know how to talk to you." Nestor stated as he looked at you in the rearview mirror.

You shrugged and moved a stray piece of hair out of your face. "Talk to me normally, I’m a normal person you know.”

Nestor huffed, but didn't say anything else. You weren’t normal, not to him. Miguel Galindo was fond of you and you were Mayans royalty. The rest of the drive was completed in a comfortable silence. You had expected to be nervous, going out to dinner with the most powerful man in Santo Padre, but you found yourself calm, collected and excited to see your friend in a more relaxed setting.

Truthfully, you liked him better like that anyway.

"Here we are." Nestor announced as he pulled up to the front of the restaurant. There was a line outside, but you knew Miguel was probably already inside, waiting for you.

Nestor came around to open your door and you smiled as he helped you out.

"Thanks Nestor."

"No problem. Mikey is inside."

You nodded and smoothed out your dress before you walked over to the restaurant, past the line of hungry people and into the door. Your eyes scanned the dining room, but you couldn't seem to find Miguel. You pursed your lips and glanced over at the hostess, she was on the phone but you decided to walk over to her anyway.

"Yes, yes, thank you. Hi! Welcome to the Rosa, how may I help you?" The hostess said as she hung up the phone.

"Hi- um I'm here for Miguel Galindo." You stated.

The lady looked up at you and arched an eyebrow before she schooled her shocked expression back a neutral one.

"Right this way ma'am." She said before she walked off towards a private area. You rolled your eyes and followed her- you should have known Miguel would be in a VIP area.

"Here you are, enjoy."

At the sound of the hostess, Miguel glanced up and locked eyes with you. He smiled and stood up as you walked over to him.

"Hi, you look beautiful. Thank you for meeting me." Miguel said as he came around the table to pull out your chair.

"Such a gentleman and no problem. I'm always down to eat.” You placed your phone face up on the table. “Oh, how rude of me, you don’t look too bad yourself Miguel.”

You weren't lying, the man had impeccable taste in clothing. Currently he was in a light grey suit, with a black tie and matching shoes. His hair was perfectly gelled back, and his beard was groomed to perfection.

Typical.

Miguel laughed and pushed your chair in slightly after you sat. He rounded the table and sat back down, scooting his chair in once before he leaned back and evaluated you.

"How are you?" He asked.

You shrugged and opened the menu that was in front of you. "Good, tired but ya know, what's new."

"Did you not sleep last night?" Miguel questioned, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table.

You glanced up from your menu and held his gaze for a moment before you looked back down at the food selections.

"I did, but I'm a surgeon, I'm always going to be tired." You stated. Your body was always playing catch up with all the sleep you lost over the years, both through surgery and Angel.

Miguel hummed and opened his mouth to say something but the incoming waiter interrupted him.

"Good evening, my name is Ezra, I'll be taking care of you tonight. Mr. Galindo can I start you off with any drinks?"

You rolled your eyes, of course Miguel didn't have to introduce himself.

"Yes, I'll have a bottle of whatever wine is featured tonight, and two glasses."

Your eyes flicked up to Miguel's face and your eyes widened for a fraction of a second. A weight settled on your chest and suddenly it felt a little hotter in here.

"Uh actually Miguel, I'll have water,” you corrected.

Miguel looked at you but didn't say anything, the waiter nodded and he took off to get your drinks.

As soon as he was out of ear range, Miguel turned his full attention to you. You squirmed slightly under his questioning gaze and you let out a sigh before you closed your menu.

"I can't drink okay?" You whispered.

You watched as understanding washed over his face, his eyes flicked to your stomach and then back up to your face.

"I didn't realize you were seeing someone." Miguel said softly. You were surprised at how soft and nonjudgmental his tone was. You had expected him to be harsh, or even condescending, but once again you were taken aback by Senor Galindo.

"I'm uh, I’m not." You corrected him. “I was seeing someone.”

“A shame, what an idiotic man for letting go of such a lovely woman.” Miguel leaned back, pursing his lips. “Does he know?”

“He doesn’t, I’ll tell him eventually, things are just…….rocky.” You didn’t want to divulge further. You didn’t want Miguel to find out you were pregnant with Angel’s baby. It wasn’t the judgement you feared, you knew Miguel saw the MC as beneath him, but saying it out loud meant it was real. That you were pregnant. You meant to tell Angel when you found out, but after you broke up four months ago, it never seemed like the opportunity was right.

You recalled that night then, the fight that broke you and Angel apart. It was a stupid fight, now that you think about it, you got on Angel’s case due to some laundry on the floor. For some reason, that escalated into a huge fight between you two and you broke up with Angel. You weren’t proud of how you ended things, but that whole week had been surgery after surgery, sleep was basically non-existent. Instead of talking it out with Angel, you took it out on him. Despite that your relationship had not exactly been perfect leading up to that week. Angel was always on a run with Adelita, you weren’t exactly a fan of their budding relationship, especially knowing the truth between them before Adelita joined forces with the cartel.

Jealousy, lack of sleep and hormones due to your unknown pregnancy then, it took a toll and you broke up with Angel. Instead of fighting for you, he walked out, he was tired of the endless fights between you two. It wasn’t hard to figure out that you two broke-up since Angel slept with anything that fucking walked. Your Tio Bishop didn’t exactly miss the break-up between you two but he chose to stay out of it. Your break-up had nothing to do with club business, if anything Angel kept his head in club business to keep himself from going crazy after losing you.

Six years down the drain, over some petty miscommunication. Neither one of you wanted to break the deadlock, you were both stubborn as mules, and unsure of how to fix things. You felt bad, you wanted to fix the mess between you and Angel, or at the least, tell him about his unborn child, but every time you had the courage to do so, the sinking dread came along with it.

You’ve been part of the MC since birth. Your mother was no longer alive and your only living parent was spending the rest of his life in jail. You didn’t want to blame the MC of you feeling orphaned since Bishop and Marcus definitely stepped up, but it could never replace a mother or a father’s love. Due to that, you were reluctant to tell Angel about the baby. Being with Angel frightened you because you were afraid you would either be six feet under just like your mother or you would be doing weekly jail visits just to see him. An even worse thought you had frequently was that Angel could be the one who was six feet under. With his impulsive behavior and quick temper, you always feared for Angel's life.

At the same time, this has been your life, the family that has held you down. It was all you knew.

Why did life have to be so fucking complicated?

“Y/N, I lost you,” Miguel shook you softly.

“Sorry,” you gave him a small smile. “It’s just complicated.”

“Is he a co-worker?” Miguel didn’t want to pry, but he would be lying if he didn’t say he wasn’t curious.

“No, he isn’t, he’s a family friend.” That was mildly accurate. Your family knew Angel.

“Ah, so he’s in the MC.” Miguel wasn’t an idiot, he also wasn’t oblivious, he noticed how the eldest Reyes basically burned holes through him with the way he stared. He wasn’t a fan of the Reyes men, having to deal with the youngest due to Emily and their father who had a weird relationship with his mother. If anything, Angel was the less obnoxious of the three.

“What? What makes you say he’s in the MC?”

“Because I’m not blind, I saw how Angel glared at me.” Miguel chuckled. He noticed how worked up the eldest of the two Reyes’ were. He was a little shit and pushed him further, but he knew he wouldn’t do anything.

Ezra placed your drinks in front of you. You two placed your orders, Ezra quickly brought it down to the kitchen, not wanting to keep Miguel waiting.

You sighed. “Angel isn’t subtle.”

“No he is not, but I cannot say I blame him. You’re a beautiful girl, any man who is near you that is not family would also upset me.” Miguel took a sip of the wine. “This wine is divine, you would have enjoyed this.”

“Thanks for rubbing it in, prick.”

Miguel laughed. “So why have you not told him?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Try me.”

“Just haven’t had time.”

“Bullshit.”

You narrowed your eyes at Miguel, begrudgingly drinking the water, wishing it was wine instead. “We didn’t have the greatest break-up and I’m not really sure how to tell him.”

“Angel, I’m with child,” Miguel shrugged. “Seems simple to me.”

“Nothing is ever simple with Angel.”

“You’re scared to commit to Angel.”

“I’m sorry, did you become a licensed therapist in the span of the one day that I didn’t see you?”

Miguel laughed. “I did not, but you’re easy to read. You try to keep away from the MC lifestyle, but you ended up falling for a man that basically breathes the MC lifestyle. You don’t want to end up like your mother, a drunkard that couldn’t handle the fact that your father was put away for life.” It made you slightly uncomfortable how well Miguel read you, how well he knew you, but you figured it was due to your Tio Marcus. “History doesn’t have to repeat itself. You don’t strike me as a drunkard and Angel, as ill tempered as he is, seemed to be calmer around you.”

“Again, how do you know all of this?”

“Your Tio Marcus worries about you. He favored Angel for you, but it seemed your experience with your parents proved to be too much for you and Angel.” Miguel explained. “Can I offer a word of advice?”

“Sure,” you might as well listen, it’s not like Miguel Galindo was the local therapist.

“Do not fear the past, learn from it. You’re not doomed to repeat it if you learn from it.”

You looked at Miguel, your eyes welling up. He frowned, unsure of what he did that upset you.

“I’m sorry,” he immediately fired out, not wanting to upset you.

“No, you’re fine,” you slightly laughed, wiping the tears that had escaped. “I appreciate the advice.”

“Good, it does not happen often.”

“Well, I’m very touched to be fortunate to earn your wise words.”

Dinner went smoothly, which was no surprise to you. Your conversations with Miguel always flowed well and you never had trouble being comfortable with Miguel. You kept a boundary between you two since you knew the relationship between the cartel and the MC was rocky at best. But you enjoyed Miguel’s company, a much needed distraction. He escorted you out of the restaurant, recalling a funny memory of he and Emily when they were still dating.

Unbeknownst to you, Angel was coming out of a restaurant with Coco and Gilly a few buildings down. He looked up and saw you, his heart stopping, clenching at the sight of you with the cartel leader. Miguel was smiling at you, placing a hand on your stomach. All these thoughts ran in his mind, the most prominent one was that you were sleeping with Miguel.

Why else would Miguel be as protective as he was towards you?

Anger coursed through his veins, he couldn’t believe you would sleep with Miguel Galindo. Cheating was a deal breaker for you, it was the reason you two fought as much as you did. You had accused him of cheating on you with Adelita even though that was far from the truth. While he understood your worries, it wasn’t anything like that.

But watching Miguel handle you with such care, tucking your hair behind your ear, Angel almost charged towards you two, but Gilly and Coco held him back.

“Don’t, he would have you sitting on that pew, yellow raincoat and all.” Gilly warned.

Angel struggled against them, but they watched as Miguel opened the door of the SUV for you, waving goodbye before closing the door. He entered his own vehicle that was behind yours and left as well.

“The fuck was that?” Coco questioned, in disbelief that you were with Miguel in an outside setting.

“I don’t know, but I’m gonna fucking find out.” Angel got on his bike, speeding after the SUV that drove off with you.

Angel kept his distance, making sure that whoever was driving the SUV didn’t notice him. He eventually decided to pull over a few blocks away from your place, giving it ten minutes before he would come to your house and ask what was going on.

It’s been fucking hell these past few months. Sure, he fucked the pain away, but it never lessened what he felt. He wanted to speak to you, to make amends, but he couldn’t swallow it. You broke up with him, for something so miniscule. He knew you two had been fighting, he just didn’t think you would leave him. And now, instead of immediately fixing things between you two, Angel restored to self-destructive behavior to ease the pain. Seeing how you were with Miguel the other night, it irked him. He wasn’t sure how he was able to keep his anger at bay then, but it came back up now.

Were you pregnant with Miguel Galindo’s bastard child?

No, that was not possible.

You wouldn’t sleep with a married man.

More importantly, you wouldn’t sleep with Miguel Galindo.

The longer Angel waited, the more he his thoughts grew darker and darker. His anger was building to a dangerous level and some small conscious part of him knew that he he barged into your house like this, that nothing would get solved. You would probably end up yelling at him, and he would end up yelling at you, a lamp might be broken due to it being thrown across the room.

Words would be said that could never be taken back.

Angel gritted his teeth, as much as he wanted to break your front door down and demand answers. He knew he couldn't. But he was spiraling down a deep hole and he needed something, anything, in order to keep his dark thoughts at bay.

Thankfully- there was a party tonight, and a party meant women, and women meant he could fuck his emotions away.

Angel stared at your house for a moment longer before he kicked his bike on and tore out of your neighborhood.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You sighed as your eyes roamed over the MC clubhouse. It was definitely bumping, the party alive and well. Numerous people were outside hanging around a fire, and you knew there were more people inside. It had not taken you very long to change and head back out once Nestor had dropped you off.

Originally, you had came.to talk to Letty, discuss her new boyfriend, but after your conversation with Miguel, you had also decided you would tell Angel you were pregnant. You needed him to know he was going to be a father, you needed him to understand that because of that, he was going to have to shape up.

This baby was going to need both parents, it was going to need to be loved by both parents, taken care of by both parents. Angel couldnt do that when he was fucking around with the club and random women.

You sighed and got out of the car.

You couldnt believe you were here to fix things with Angel based off the advice from Miguel fucking Galindo.

Your boots crunched on the gravel as you made you way to the door. The closer you got, the louder the music sounded. For a brief moment you wondered if you could even do this- but you pushed that thought out of your head and walked your way into the clubhouse.

Your eyes scanned the room for Letty, but she was nowhere to be seen. Instead, Coco spotted you and waved you over to where most of.the MC was sitting.

You pushed your way through the bodies of people and let out a breath once you made it to the guys. They all smiled and stood up to gi e you a hug.

"I couldn't get Letty here.” Coco sighed. “We’ve been fighting more lately so I'm not surprised she didn't fucking show." Coco pulled away.

"Don't worry about it, she's a teenager, you two are bound to fight. Just don't let it linger into something an "I'm sorry" cant fix." You statedz

Coco nodded and took a step back allowing all the guys to give you a hug. The last one to hug you was your Tio Bishop. His hug was warm and welcoming per usual, and you felt yourself lingering in his comfort for a few moments longer.

"Everything okay?" Bishop asked as you pulled away

You swallowed and nodded. Bishop was another person you had wanted to tell, but never found the right time to. You didn't know if he would be happy or angry at you for getting knocked up with Angel's kid, but eventually you knew you were going to have to tell him.

"Uh yeah, actually, have you seen Angel?" You questioned looking around.

Bishop arched an eyebrow at you and evaluated your face before he cleared his throat and shook his head.

"Nah, maybe Ezekiel knows." he said pointing over to the bar.

You followed his point and saw that Ez was standing at the bar with his girlfriend Gabi. You turned back to your Tio and thanked him with a smile before you B-lined it to the bar.

"Yo E-" You called out once you got closer to the pair.

Ez and Gabi turned around and when they realized it was you who called Ez, they smiled. You rushed to give Gabi a hug first and then repeated the process with Ez.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" Ez asked over the music.

"Funny story- I was supposed to talk to Letty about her boyfriend, but she didn't show, so I'm looking for Angel now. I gotta tell him something." You answered.

"Her boyfriend is disgusting." Gabi chimed in.

You laughed as Ez looked over your head, searching for his brother.

"Honestly Y/N, last time I saw him he was heading outside. Said he needed to use my trailer for a phone call. Figured he was calling you." Ez said.

Your chest tightened slightly at the thought of Angel using Ezekiel's trailer, your mind floated to all the bad things that he could be doing in there but you stopped yourself.

"Don't fear the past, learn from it."

Miguel's words echoed in your head and you silently chanted them in your head repeatedly.

"Is it cool of I go check?" You asked.

"Did you need me to go?" He questioned.

"Nah- I'm good. Stay here, we shouldn't be long." You lied.

Ez nodded and you turned on your heel to head out to the trailer. You were determined to tell Angel that you were pregnant. You were determined to fix things between the pair of you and you knew that the conversation wouldn't be easy, but it needed to happen.

As you neared the trailer you heart rate kicked up. Your palms started to get clammy and you felt nauseous. You rubbed your belly gently as you looked down at the tiny bulge that was beginning to form.

"We got this little one," you whispered to yourself.

You inhaled and let out a slow controlled breath before you knocked on the door. There was no verbal response, but you could hear the shuffling sounds just behind the door so you figured Angel was in there and ignoring you.

You rolled your eyes and quickly yanked open the door before you could change your mind. You took two steps inside before you heard his voice.

"Yo Ez what the fuck, I'm busy.”

You stopped dead in your tracks as your eyes zeroed in on Angel. From this angle, all you could see was his naked, freshly tattooed back. Your eyebrows scrunched together as you realized there was a woman underneath him. You could hear his familiar grunts of pleasure echoing throughout the trailer and you could smell the unique scent of Angel in the air. Cologne, cigarettes and leather- it all mixed together with the scent of sex and it practically made you gag.

Time seemed to slow down and your blood turned to ice in your veins as you fully absorbed what was happening in front if you.

"Seriously bro get ou-"

Angel looked over his shoulder and his eyes connected with yours, his sentence died and his mouth fell open as he took you in.

The longer you stared at him, the longer your exterior hardened. You felt yourself physically closing off and pulling away from Angel. Everything that you had planned to tell him flew out the window and all you could do was stare at him.

"Shit." Angel said as he pushed himself up off the woman and wrapped a blanket around his waist. The woman let out a groan and pulled another blanket on top of her.

As Angel neared you, you took a step back down the stairs. You didn't want to be near him, shit you should have known this was a fucking mistake.

"Y/N, what, what are you doing here?" He stuttered out, upset at the predicament you caught him in.

The wheels in your head were stuck. You could barely process Angel's words and you didn't even realize you were responding until you heard your own strained sounding voice.

"Nothing, this was a bad idea. I'll let you get back to um. Yeah."

You turned away and practically ran down the stairs and to your car. Everything you had been worried about came to the surface, Angel wasn't mature enough for this kid. He was always going to run away and self destruct every time you and him got into an argument. What if you needed time away from him? Was he going to run off and fuck everything that walked??

Hell probably.

How the fuck were you supposed to tell him he was going to be a father soon when he couldn't even take care of himself?

You couldn’t.

You couldn’t risk your child growing up in a household that was bitter and cold due to parental arguments. You couldn’t risk that trauma and pain being absorbed by your child and causing them to have problems with relationships later down the road.

The more your thoughts spiraled, the closer you got to your car. You could barely make out the heavy footsteps that were following you, you sped up, not wanting to give Angel an opportunity to throw some bullshit excuse at you.

“Y/N!” Angel called out.

You ignored him.

You unlocked your car with your key remote and your fingers found the door handle but just as you were about to pull it open, Angel’s large hand slammed against it and kept it shut. You didn’t dare look up at him, your chest was rising and falling rapidly and your heart rate was increasing to a dangerous level. You knew this kind of stress was not good for you and your baby.

Your baby. Just saying that made your insides churn and caused a new wave of nausea to wash over you.

“Y/N, please give me a chance to explain.” Angel pleaded.

You still refused to look up at him. You kept your eyes trained on your window, and in the reflection of the night you could see he was still naked except for the blanket that was wrapped around his waist.

“Explain what Angel? How could you possibly explain why I just found you fucking some girl in your brothers trailer?” You snapped.

Your voice was sharp and icy and you saw Angel subtly flinch away from your tone. You couldn't find it in you to care though, you wanted him to hurt the way you hurt.

“Y/N..please.” He begged

You finally looked up at him through narrowed eyes. His brown orbs were back to normal and they were mixed with numerous different emotions. You could pick out a few- pain, anger, sadness, but it wasn’t your place to help him through those emotions- not anymore.

“Get out of my way Angel.” You ordered

“No- no, wait just let me.”

“Angel move!” You yelled, cutting his begging off.

Angel stared at you for a moment before he lifted his hands up in an act of surrender. He took a couple steps back and you ripped your door open so forcefully that you could have sworn the hinges creaked.

You threw yourself into the car and slammed your door shut. It took you no time at all to start your car and back out of the gravel lot. You watched Angel out of the corner of your eye and he ran his hands through his hair. He rested his hands on his knees and inhaled deeply before he stood all the way up and gazed at your car.

"Fuck you…" you whispered before you backed all the way out and peeled off.

Your anger was coursing through you at such a blinding speed that you didn't even register that a tall, lanky man with long, wispy brown hair was watching you from his hidden spot across the street.

He hummed to himself before he opened his phone to dial his office.

"Oh the trials and tribulations of love." He muttered to himself.

[nerdzzone]

-More Hearts Than Mine-

Summary: Raising a child is hard. Raising a child with one of Hollywood’s biggest stars is even harder. And raising a child with one of Hollywood’s biggest stars who you’re not actually in a relationship with is even harder still.

Especially when a global pandemic is sweeping the world.

With lockdowns and stay at home orders looming on the horizon, the uncertainty of their situation becomes almost too much for Whitney Taylor to handle. Chris suggests that they quarantine together to avoid any potential separations but, given what happened the last time they spent more than a few brief moments in each other’s company, that could cause more problems than it solves…

Chris Evans x OFC

Sequel to: Once Bitten - Twice Shy

Part Two

____

Part Three

I did my best to take Scott's words to heart. It was eye-opening and, while it didn't change my concerns about how Grayson would be affected, it helped me soften my guard a little bit when it came to Chris.

We were both in over our heads, stuck with feelings that we didn't know what to do with and insecurities that left us unable to fight for what we wanted. I had doubts and I had questions, but if what Scott had divulged was true then I did have some sympathy for Chris because I knew exactly how he'd been feeling for the last few years.

So, I decided to talk to him. To hash it out, lay it all on the table and see what he had to say. I wasn't entirely sure I would change my mind about the situation, but I wanted to give him a chance to explain his thoughts and feelings unlike how I'd shut the conversation down after Christmas.

But I didn't count on how chaotic it was to be trapped in a house, all day every day, with a child who was almost three. Even with three adults, there were days when it felt like we were the ones who were outnumbered as we took turns trying to keep him constantly entertained and stimulated. To our credit, it was working and we were managing to keep Grayson from being bored, anxious to go out to a park or noticing that things were all that different, but it meant that I had no time or energy to deal with heavy conversations. Things were fine between Chris and I, we were getting along well enough with no more noteworthy disagreements, but there hadn't been a good time for any kind of heart-to-heart.

Things only got more complicated about a week and a half into our lockdown when Chris had to start doing interviews. He had a new show, Defending Jacob, coming out in a few weeks and he had to start the promo for it.

Most people who were working from home these days with small children running around had way more difficult situations to balance than we did, but we knew it would be tricky to keep Grayson from getting curious and barging into an interview. He'd proven to be quite sneaky when he wanted to be and Chris was anxious about the whole thing. He wasn't a big fan of interviews at the best of times so doing it over Zoom made him even more nervous. He spent the whole morning fretting about it being awkward, concerned that he wouldn't be able to relax and act natural, and it seemed like he was channelling his anxiety into his worries about Grayson. He very much liked to be in control of what the world saw of Gray and having him crash an interview wasn't what he wanted. I completely agreed and assured him several times that I wouldn't let that happen, but I could tell he was still stressed about it as he dragged himself off to get ready.

For the first hour or so that Chris was working, things went well. We read a story and played with some Lego, activities that wouldn't get Grayson too excited and noisy, but when Scott suggested that he curl up on the couch and watch Finding Nemo with him, we ran into a problem.

"Okay!" Grayson cheered, jumping up from where we'd been playing on the floor. "Be right back!"

He took off down the hall and I leapt into action, calling his name and stopping him just as he got to the bottom of the stairs.

"Where are you going, buddy?"

"To get my bear!"

Grayson's room was upstairs, next to Chris' office. He knew where Chris was so I knew there was a good chance he would stop by to say hello on his way past the door.

"Why don't you go get settled on the couch with Uncle Scott and I'll get your bear so you don't miss any of the movie?" I suggested. "Is he in your room?"

"No," he shook his head. "He's in Daddy's office."

I held back a groan, knowing that Gray would not be happy if I explained that he couldn't have his bear for the movie because we weren't allowed in Daddy's office right now. But I also knew that now he'd decided that he wanted to watch a movie, it wasn't likely that he would settle doing anything else either.

"Well, Daddy's very busy in his office right now," I explained. "But I'll go upstairs and see if I can sneak in and get him, okay?"

Grayson agreed to that suggestion and ran off back towards the living room as I glanced at the clock on the wall quickly and hoped that Chris was between interviews. I knew he wouldn't be done for the day just yet, but he had a few lined up so there was a chance that he wasn't currently on a call.

As soon as I pressed my ear to the door of Chris' office, my hopes were dashed. I could hear the sound of laughter echoing through from his laptop so I knew he was in the middle of something, but just as I was about to walk away I heard something that caught my attention.

"You have a son of your own, don't you?" The interviewer asked and I cringed, knowing that it wasn't something Chris liked to discuss. His character in the show was a father though so I wasn't surprised it had come up, it gave them a segue that they hadn't really had before. "How is that going with this lockdown?"

Ever the professional, Chris didn't even hesitate before he answered even though I knew he would be annoyed by the line of questioning.

"Oh, it's great! He's staying with me until all this is over so it's great that we get to spend so much time together," he told the interviewer. "I'm lucky enough to be in a situation where I can just take a few months off until things cool down without too much worry so we've just been relaxing, building blanket forts, watching movies and getting in some bonding time that I miss out on when I'm busy. It's had some challenges, but it's been really nice."

I knew I shouldn't be listening, it was rude to eavesdrop even if the conversation would shortly be broadcast to the whole world, but again, the interviewer's next question had me too intrigued to walk away. Despite all the talking points that he could have chosen from Chris' answer, he zeroed in on one thing.

"He's staying with you for the entire lockdown? Is there a rekindled romance we don't know about?" He asked. "Or is his mother no longer in the picture?"

My jaw dropped. I didn't know who Chris was talking with today, but it wasn't like his team to set him up for any interviews where he would be asked questions like that and most interviewers were too polite to fish for the kind of gossip you'd find in a trashy magazine.

"Oh, I'm not gonna get into all that." Chris' tone was much more clipped than it had been moments before - he was clearly not impressed by the question either. "It's not anyone's business really, is it? But I will say that she is definitely in the picture and one of the best moms that I know. She's staying here with us too."

My heart melted a bit at his compliment even though I knew the words he added at the end meant that we were in for a whole new gossip storm.

It suddenly felt like I really was overstepping by standing at the door listening to this conversation without his knowledge so I headed back downstairs. As I got back into the living room, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent a message to Chris:

It would appear that you have a stowaway. I know you're busy, but please return Mr. Bear at your earliest convenience.

I put my phone away as I explained the situation to Grayson, but luckily, he was too interested in the movie to pay much attention to what I'd said. By the time Chris came down with the bear, it was like he'd forgotten that he ever cared about it in the first place.

Most of my attention was on Chris at that point though. The way he scurried into the room, avoiding looking in my direction at all. He looked ashamed and withdrawn and I couldn't hold back a sigh when he left the room quickly as I knew that he was beating himself up over the conversation that he didn't even know I'd heard.

-

Chris was sullen for the rest of the day. He perked up around Grayson, but whenever Gray was distracted there was a scowl or a frown firmly planted on his face. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know how without confessing that I'd overheard his interview. Given his mood and the ease with which we fell into disagreements these days, that seemed like it would cause more issues than it would help.

The news broke at about eleven that night and I knew because I was suddenly inundated with texts from friends and with follower requests on my private social media accounts. I pulled up the video and watched the interview, feeling another wave of empathy when I saw the annoyance written all over Chris' face as he answered the questions. He'd found a subtle way to shut the interview down almost immediately after the incident and I was proud of him for handling it so diplomatically.

I added it to the list of things that I needed to talk to Chris about whenever I got the chance as I pulled myself away from my laptop and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth before bed. However, when I got into the hallway, I noticed a light coming up from downstairs. As far as I knew, everyone had gone to bed almost an hour ago, but I had a good idea whose thoughts would be keeping them awake so I headed down to investigate.

My suspicions were confirmed as I walked into the living room and saw Chris on the couch, his phone in his hand and his brow furrowed.

"Uh oh," I started, making his eyes snap up towards me. "Are you doomscrolling?"

The angry look on his face softened slightly as he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Doomscrolling?"

"Yeah," I shrugged with a smile. "That's what the kids call it these days when you spend too long scrolling through the news or Twitter, just soaking in all the bad shit in the world."

Chris chuckled as I moved into the room and sat on the opposite end of the couch that he was on, tucking my feet underneath me.

"I didn't know you were so down with the kids these days."

"I'm getting old, Chris. I'm almost thirty-two, I have to stay cool somehow." I shot him a wink. "But anyway, what are you reading that's making you look so grumpy?"

Chris sighed and locked his phone, putting it on the end table next to the couch.

"I said something in an interview today," he admitted. "Something that I shouldn't have said."

I watched him for a moment, waiting for him to look at me and elaborate, but when he didn't, I spoke up.

"I hope you're not about to tell me that you regret saying what a good mom I am or I'll be really disappointed..."

That comment brought Chris' gaze back to me, his shock evident on his face until it faded into a grimace.

"You heard what I said?"

"I watched the video," I admitted. "I had a flurry of Instagram activity that tipped me off."

"You didn't read the comments, did you?"

There was worry written all over Chris' face when I shrugged.

"Of course I did. Can't have my self-esteem getting too high, can we?" I was teasing, but his look of gloom only deepened. "Chris, it doesn't matter. I'm no supermodel, they're not saying anything I don't already know."

"See, this is what bothers me," Chris snapped. "My so-called 'fans' are out there spewing all this crap about you and you're acting like it's all true, so who cares? Well, I care because it's bullshit and you don't deserve it!"

"I didn't mean it like that," I assured him, keeping my voice quiet in an attempt to cool the situation.

We'd been here many times over the years and I knew how enraged the comments made Chris. He saw right through me, he knew that I took some of the things that had been said to heart, but who wouldn't? It's hard not to take it personally when someone points out your biggest insecurities, the things that you hope no one else notices, the things that you tell yourself can't possibly be true or as bad as you think in your head. It's impossible not to let it get to you a little bit, but I was well practiced at dealing with it and had grown a thicker skin.

At least, when it came to the comments about my appearance. The comments about how I'm not good enough and how Chris could do better always struck a cord, but it was nothing I couldn't handle.

"No?" Chris huffed. "What did you mean then?"

"That I know I'm an easy target because I'm not stick thin with a boob job," I answered, wanting to diffuse the situation before Chris got too upset. "They're cruel and mean, but they're just jealous because they think their dream boyfriend is taken now."

"Well, anyone who claims to be a real fan of mine wouldn't talk like that about someone I care about," he grumbled. "I shouldn't have answered, I should have just ignored the question."

"Actually, I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad you set the record straight rather than have everyone think I've abandoned my child. I would probably get even more hate for that."

"He shouldn't have even asked about it," Chris continued. "It was so out of line. Why can't people just mind their own business?"

"Because everyone adores you and has a burning desire to know everything about you," I teased, stretching my feet out to nudge his leg gently. His lips twitched briefly into a smile, but it faded as fast as it appeared. "Even my friends were all messaging me, asking if it was true like gossiping teenage girls. Everyone wants the Chris Evans scoop."

That comment earned me a chuckle and I relaxed slightly, hoping that he was starting to calm down.

"I'm sure your friends were more interested in the gossip about your life, not because of me."

"I dunno," I shrugged. "They always liked you."

Chris smiled, but a sigh slipped from his lips as he draped his arm over my feet where they rested on the couch next to him. We sat quietly for a moment as I continued watching him, wishing there was something I could say to ease the worry in his mind, but his next words left me a little bit speechless.

"I do get it, you know?" He said, his eyes still fixed firmly on the ground in front of him. "I get why you wouldn't want to be with me. I get that it's a lot to deal with."

My heart sank at his admission and I scrambled to figure out what to say.

It wasn't ideal - discussing our relationship, while he was already feeling quite murderous - but he'd brought it up and it was hard to say when we'd get another chance. Once again, I found myself fighting the urge to bolt for the door, but I swallowed hard and took a deep breath, hoping that this would be a civil conversation.

"Chris, it's not that," I insisted, my voice soft in what I hoped would be a soothing tone. "Maybe they didn't do anything to ease my concerns, but the bullies on the internet aren't what scared me away."

"No?" His eyes flicked up to meet mine. "Then what did?"

He sounded so defeated and I bit my lip to keep my emotions from bubbling up. The truth was that I didn't know where to start. There was too much floating around my head, too many questions and too many explanations that made less sense now that I knew what I knew after speaking with Scott. I was scared, but it was a very justified fear that could only be made sense of by answering his question with another question.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were in love with me?"

Chris raised an eyebrow, but shrugged off the question.

"You didn't seem like you wanted to hear it, Whitney. I told you that I was all in after Christmas and you shut me down pretty fast," he pointed out. "I didn't think blurting out a confession of love would do much to change that."

Had that been what I was referring to, it would have been a fair argument. However, I was referring to long before our latest incident so I shook my head.

"I talked to Scott," I confessed as a slight look of betrayal slid onto Chris’ face. "Don't be mad, he'd had a few drinks and was feeling sentimental. He told me that you were in love with me long before Grayson was even in the picture, but you never told me."

"I slept with you, didn't I?" He questioned, a defensiveness creeping into his tone. "Doesn't that make someone's feelings pretty fuckin' clear?"

"Hardly," I scoffed. "People sleep with people they're not in love with all the time and it becomes even less clear when they meet up afterwards to have a discussion about their relationship and that someone makes no mention of being in love."

"Was it really a discussion? Or did I show up at your apartment just to hear you lay out the ground rules?"

I faltered slightly as I thought back, but after a moment of reflection, I nodded.

"It was a discussion."

"I believe the first words out of your mouth were 'I think we both know that we're better off as friends'," he informed me. "Doesn't leave much room for debate."

"I was scared." That confession came out less confidently, but I found my voice again quickly. "And I assumed that's what you wanted too because you never pushed back."

He cocked his head to the side, a hint of a smirk on his face.

"You weren't the only one who was scared."

"I was the only one who was pregnant," I retorted, my tone growing harsher as my frustrations started to rise. "I was the only one who was trying to make a massive life decision while hormonal and growing another human being inside of them."

"That's fair," Chris nodded, his voice much calmer than I expected after my burst of annoyance. "But I wasn't about to pour my heart out and tell you how I felt when you kept talking about what a mistake we'd made as if you'd never regretted anything more in your life."

"Getting pregnant was a mistake," I clarified. "I love Grayson and I wouldn't change it for anything, but we can't say it wasn't a mistake at the time given our situation."

"A situation that you didn't want to change."

"Only because you never told me how you felt," I shot back. "I didn't want you to commit to something out of a sense of obligation. I didn't want you to put up with me for a few years until you dumped me for someone more in your league who you actually cared about."

There was a look of surprise on Chris' face at that revelation as it became more and more obvious to both of us that we hadn't been as good at communicating as we may have thought. It seemed we'd both been so convinced that we knew exactly how the other person felt that we hadn't bothered to actually ask them.

"But I did care about you," he assured me. "And you never told me how you felt either."

"I slept with you, didn't I?"

There was a smirk on my face as I threw his words back at him despite the anxiety that was bubbling inside me.

"A wise woman just informed me that sleeping with someone doesn't necessarily mean anything," he teased, a soft smile on his face. "But I think it's safe to say that we were both cowards."

"Again, in my defence, I was pregnant," I reminded him. "I was trying to make a logical decision while my brain was muddled with hormones."

"But you could have told me after," he pointed out. "We lived together for year after he was born, Whitney, and you never even dropped a hint."

"Oh, please," I snorted out a harsh laugh. "Do you remember what that year was like? We had a newborn baby who never slept for more than ten minutes at a time and you were flying in and out for the first six months, filming one of the Avengers movies. I was delirious, exhausted and emotionally wrecked. I wasn't in the right head space to give much thought to our relationship."

"So, if I had made a move back then? Would it have made a difference?" He asked. "Because it didn't seem to matter much a few months ago."

This was the real issue at hand.

It was all well and good to talk about the past and how we'd managed to come this far so oblivious to each other's feelings, but the real discussion was where we were at now. And the truth was, that I didn't know.

I opened my mouth to answer, but shut it as my words escaped me. I shifted nervously, shrugging under his stare until a sigh fell from my lips.

"I'm not sure anymore," I admitted. "If you'd told me how you felt back then, if you fought for us to be together then I might've been swayed."

"But now?"

"Now, I think we made the right decision for Grayson."

Chris was still staring me down, his eyes locked on mine as if he was looking into my soul. It was an intensity that was hard to endure and I was relieved when he spoke again, despite how his words made my heart ache.

"But what about the right decision for us?"

"That's not what's important," I insisted. "I've seen so many of my friends struggle through their parents' bitter divorces, I don't want that for Gray. I don't want us to lose our ability to work as a team and put him first."

"Yeah, you mentioned that several times," Chris huffed. "But I don't see why you're so fuckin' convinced that we'd end up hating each other."

His frustration and impatience was shining through and I felt my panic rising again. Chris had made his stance clear and I knew I needed to make a decision soon or my lack of decision would decide for me, but I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. The thought of not being with Chris made my heart ache especially now that I knew the extent of his feelings, but the thought of being with him and the consequences that could come from that set every anxious nerve in my body on edge.

I found myself scrambling for something to say that was non-committal, but would placate the situation. I floundered until, fortunately, a tiny voice from the doorway saved me.

"Daddy said a bad word..."

I leapt off the couch, desperate for any excuse to get away and Chris raised his eyebrow at my swift reaction. I ignored him as I looked at Grayson, who was rubbing his eyes with one hand and clutching his bear in the other. He looked so small, standing there in his little flannel pajamas and I smiled at the sight.

"That is a bad word," I agreed. "Daddy shouldn't have said it. But what are you doing up?"

"I had a bad dream."

His voice was small as he was still half asleep and Chris stood, following me over as I walked towards him.

"I'm sorry to hear that, buddy," he said, lifting him up in his arms. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Grayson shook his head. "It was scary."

"Awe, I'm sorry, sweetheart," I frowned as I rubbed his back, my heart melting at how small he looked in Chris' arms. "Do you want me to tuck you back in or Daddy?"

He rested his head on Chris' chest and pulled his bear so close that his answer got muffled by the stuffed animal's fur.

"I want to sleep in Daddy's bed..."

I looked up at Chris, letting him decide if that was okay, but he was already nodding his head.

"Sure, we can do that," he assured him. "But don't hog all the blankets this time, okay?"

Grayson giggled and I smiled as they headed to the door.

"Goodnight, boys," I called to them before they disappeared. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight." Chris paused to answer me and flashed me a look that made me feel like a schoolgirl being scolded by the principal. "This conversation isn't over."

It felt like a foreboding warning and it left me so flustered that all I could do was nod before he turned and continued on his way to his bedroom.

He was right.

Our conversation couldn't end there unless we wanted another four years of miscommunication and mutual longing, but I didn't know what to do. I wasn't trying to be difficult, but both options seemed destined to lead to heartache. Of course, I had no evidence to prove that we wouldn't live happily ever after, but he was Chris Evans. He was the man that women all over America, all over the world, would kill to be with. And I was just me. Once I fell off whatever pedestal he'd put me on in his mind and he realized how ordinary and unremarkable I was, it wouldn't last.

And I couldn't spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

With a sigh, I headed to the stairs. My head was a mess despite my hopes that talking to Chris would bring me some clarity. It seemed I was starting a pattern of coming away from late night conversations with more questions than answers, but I was beginning to think that might be due to the fact that I would never be told what I wanted to hear. No one could make this decision for me and no one could make it a fool proof choice.

There was always a risk when it came to love. I just had to decide if that risk was worth it and start being honest with myself about why I was so scared. Were my intentions really as noble as I wanted everyone to believe? Or was I using Grayson as a shield to protect my own heart from pain as much as his?

-

Part Four

Tags:  @maggotzombie @moonlacebeam @mizzzpink @zaylaugh @flowery-mess @flowerjewels @njrronaldo7 @hockeychick10

[amysteriousmessenger]

‘Oh, to serve a Princess’ - Ray x Reader NSFW fanfiction

Pairing: Ray x implied female reader CW: Face-riding, fingering, slightly obsessive and a little more confident Ray who just wants to be used Word Count: 4.8k Rating: Explicit

You hadn’t seen Ray in a couple of days, almost a week actually. He said he’d been so busy doing another job for the Saviour that he hadn’t even had time to sleep and had been eating at his desk. He cried on the phone that every time he’d tried to sneak out to come and visit you, a Believer had been waiting outside for him to ask where was going. You missed him, that much was obvious from the ache in your heart, but the punch in your stomach was the worry you had for him. You’d been at Mint Eye for several months, but you had yet to see what tied him so subserviently to the Saviour, besides fear. You’d hoped that he’d at least been eating decently while at his desk, but the various candy bar wrapper sounds you had heard over the phone told you otherwise. You couldn’t help but sigh as you stared out of the window into the night sky. The garden was so beautiful, and you knew how much Ray cherished the flowers growing within it. And yet, it brought you little joy to be enjoying it without him.

Averting your gaze towards the small decorative birdcage that resided in the corner of your room, you couldn’t help but see Ray flash before your eyes again as you touched one of the thin metal bars. Even in the dark lighting of your room, the cage glinted a brilliant gold. You supposed that the cage was just like Magenta. It was so pretty and ornate that, surely, a bird would  want  to fly willingly towards the gilded embrace it to be loved safely from within its bars. A small bird that longed for protection, to live peacefully. However, it was only when that bird flew into the cage that they would realise it was exactly that:  a cage.  You felt sick, wiping your fingers against the fabric of your black dress. You’d previously been wearing the dresses that Ray had brought you but they were being cleaned and he’d told you he’d gotten you a new dress, but you hadn’t seen him since he mentioned it. So, you remained in the Mint Eye standard black dress, it was pretty, so you didn’t mind. You looked back between the cage and the garden and figured that the garden would be the lesser of two evils since you’d at least be able to get some fresh air. You grabbed your phone, ID card, and a light shawl just in case it was cold. You didn’t have many shoes with you, but the ground looked dry enough to just wear some light slip-on shoes.

You looked back at the cage once again before swiftly making your way to the door, pulling it open, and having your heart jump out of your chest immediately. Someone was on the other side. It took a second or two for your eyes to adjust and to realise that it was Ray. He hardly looked like Ray. His under-eyes looked practically bruised, he’d lost more weight and he was swaying slightly. He utterly looked  exhausted.

‘Ray, are you okay?’ You asked, taking in his appearance. He had brought you a bouquet of gorgeous red roses, but you were more concerned about having him get a little bit of colour in his  cheek  than the deep rouge of the petals.

‘Yes! I am fine, please do not worry about me, my sweet flower. Might I come in? I know it’s late… I’ve only just finished my work.’

‘Of course, you can but… Ray, you should get some rest first.’ You replied, very much wanting him to get the sleep that he had been so deprived of.

‘A-ah, yes, of course… I did not mean to be a burden, I just hoped I could see you. I went to pick these flowers before I came here, to make up for not visiting’ His half-gloved hands moved the flowers towards you, a pleading look sneaking onto his face. He knew exactly how to have you putty in his hands.

‘Oh, Ray. You’re not a burden. Come in, please, sit down and eat something. They’re so pretty, you know that red roses are my favo- A-ah! Ow!’ you flinched, pulling your hand back from the roses. You’d pricked your finger on a rose thorn. It was only a small drop of blood and didn’t particularly hurt after the initial sting. It was just a tiny dot of blood but, to Ray, it was as though his love had directly hurt you. You didn’t think it was possible, but the colour seemed to drain from his face even more as you watched the panic strike across his features.

‘My princess, I’m so sorry! This is all my fault, I should have de-thorned the roses! I’m so stupid! Useless! I didn’t think and now  you’re h-hurt!’   Tears began to well in his eyes, and you couldn’t help but think he looked beautiful, even then.

‘It’s okay, Ray! It’s just a little bit of blood, I just need to take the thorn out.’ You tried to console him as he blamed himself.

‘Please, allow me.’ Ray followed you into the room hurriedly, locking the door behind him. He took the roses from you and placed them on your vanity table. He knew his way around your room very well, since he had personally designed it, and retrieved a small first-aid box from your bathroom. You didn’t think he needed to go to such an effort for such a small, insignificant injury, but figured it would probably bring him a little bit of joy to let him care for you after not being able to see you for so long. He guided you towards your bed, as though you were mortally wounded, and sat down next to you as he fumbled through the small box. He set aside a small band-aid, disinfectant spray, tweezers, and cleaning wipe. You felt bad for worrying ray, especially since he’d had such a rough few days, so you wanted to try and lessen his emotional burden by taking the blame.

‘I’m so clumsy, I usually burn my hands a lot.’ You started before laughing and adding ‘Maybe I should get a pair of gloves like yours, so I stop hurting my fingers so much.’

‘My gloves stop me from biting my nails so much. I often don’t realise I’m doing it but sometimes I just get so anxious. My Saviour told me to wear them to stop biting at my nails and to hide them from her sight, she says my hands aren’t pretty to look at. That they’re a sign of my weakness… Maybe, when I get stronger, I’ll be okay without them. I’m sorry, I need to take the thorn out…’ He whispered as he used the tweezers to remove the thin spike from your skin, making the blood form in a little bubble on the surface of your skin. You could feel your heart clenching as you heard Ray speak about his gloves, and part of you wished you hadn’t mentioned it.

‘It’s okay. I like your gloves Ray, they make you look princely.’ You smiled, using your other hand to gently place your hand on his knee. You felt him tense up for a moment before ever-so-slightly moving closer into your touch.

‘Princely? I-I don’t think I’m good enough for that… but, I’d like to be your prince, if you’d let me, princess.’ Ray replied, averting his gaze back to your finger as he delicately wiped at your finger. Clearly, he was no stranger to disinfecting wounds.

‘You look just like a Prince. I was reading earlier, ‘The Happy Prince’ by Oscar Wilde specifically, and when I read about the Prince having sapphires for eyes, I pictured yours.’ You reached your hand up to stroke his cheek softly with the back of your fingers. You didn’t have the heart to tell him how sad the story of ‘The Happy Prince’ was.

‘Ah… I don’t really know what to say.’ Ray focused on cleaning your finger, his face growing warm under your affection. He couldn’t have hidden the light dusting of a blush even if he had tried.

‘Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to embarrass you… Your eyes are just pretty.’ You added, worried that you had somehow made him uncomfortable. It was unlike you to be so upfront with Ray, but you just had a pull, a need, to make sure he knew how precious he truly was. He’d never think it for himself, so you wanted to make sure someone told him, at the very least, that he was cherished.

‘P-pretty? I’ve never considered myself pretty, but I like pretty things, like you, and flowers, and the sky… Will you allow me to do something a little bolder than usual?’ He asked, pulling his icy eyes up to meet your gaze for a moment.

‘Of course.’ You knew he’d never do anything without your consent, and you trusted Ray to always treat you with tenderness, so even his ‘boldness’ was sweet. He took a quick intake of breath before bringing your fingertip up to his lips and placing the softest kiss upon where the small prick of blood had begun to reappear, leaving a tiny dot of red on his lips when they left your flesh.

‘I want to… be a Prince for you. They kiss their beloved’s hands, right? And uhm, they- they kiss their love to break the spell.’ He spoke, looking back at your hand as he cupped it with both of his own.

‘True Love’s first kiss? But we’ve kissed before.’ You added, a little confused. You’d done more than kiss before, you’d been with Ray for a few months and the intimacy had been forthcoming. Ray’s adoration was obsessive and, whilst he struggled to accept it, no amount of physical affection was ever enough. He always craved more from the second it was over. But he was uncertain and shy, so sometimes he didn’t know how to ask for more and would, in turn, suffer until you next bestowed it upon him.

‘I wasn’t a Prince then… I want to look after you and treat you like a Princess.’ He said, wrapping the band-aid around your finger and only released your hand to tidy the first-aid box away. You noticed that he hadn’t wiped the blood from his lips despite there being no way that he wasn’t aware of its presence. It was probably the most colour he had on his face at that moment, even in the dim lighting of your bedroom. Ray was almost ghostly in appearance, and yet, so beautiful. It pained you that he couldn’t see that in himself.

‘Okay, you can be my Prince, Ray.’ You whispered. It took a moment for him to hesitate before he tentatively pressed his lips against yours. You hadn’t seen Ray for so long, you had almost forgotten how much you craved his touch. His lips were cold and chapped, more so than usual because of having not looked after himself properly. There was a small tinge from the metallic taste of blood before it quickly vanished, and you could taste the hint of all the sugary snacks that Ray had been subsisting on in his IT room. He was quicker to deepen the kiss than usual, not that you were complaining, but at some point or another: you needed to stop to breathe. It was painfully obvious by the darkening look in Ray’s eyes that he’d have much rather given you his last breath than to pull apart for just a moment longer because as soon as he could, he was back to steal intoxicating kisses from you. You supposed it was due to the lengthy separation that had made Ray be this needy, almost to the point of  obsessive , but his kisses were like a drunken summer’s evening: warm and yearning. Yearning for the heat he was so constantly deprived of.

This wasn’t your first time together, so Ray knew what you liked. He knew you liked when he kissed down your neck, when his fingertips danced along your bare shoulders, or when you could feel him whispering into your ear. He was always so meticulously focused on pleasing you that always knew what to do even if he didn’t always have the confidence to execute it without coaxing. This was not one of those times. Ray felt this hunger for you each time, but this time, he didn’t feel the same level of uncertainty that he usually did. Perhaps it was the sleep deprivation, or maybe it was having not had his hands on you in almost a week, but at that moment: you were the drug that Ray was the most addicted to. As he kissed along your neck, your hands found their way into his soft, white hair. Without either of you mentioning it, you both fell back onto the bed together, with Ray leaning over you to continue kissing the sensitive skin on your throat. You couldn’t help but let out small gasps and whimpers under his touch, you really had missed him, after all.

‘Ray…’ You half said, half-moaned. You could feel yourself getting turned on, but the rational part of your brain was reminding you that Ray should get some sleep after having worked for such a long period of time. You wanted him to look after himself, even though that clearly wasn’t at the forefront of his own mind in that moment.

‘Yes, my Princess?’ He pulled away from your neck to ask, looking down into your face from above. He was panting slightly, and you didn’t think it was just from the kissing. Like you, he was flushed in the face and his eyes were half-lidded from sheer  hunger.

‘Don’t you think… that you should get some sleep? You were working for so long.’ You said, reaching a hand down from his head to cup his face.

‘D-do you want me to stop?’ Ray asked quickly, a moment of panic flashing that perhaps he had gotten too ahead of himself, that you didn’t want his touch.

‘No, but you’re tired and-’

‘This…is nothing. What kind of Prince doesn’t give his Princess the attention that she deserves, especially after he’s neglected her all week? I-I’ll do anything you ask of me, since it’s you.’ Ray was relieved that it wasn’t him misreading the situation, and you were just concerned for his wellbeing. This wasn’t the lost endurance test he’d had; he could stay awake a little bit longer if it meant getting to be in your company. That much he could manage.

‘A-ah…’ You gasped as he turned to kiss along your bare shoulder. You had missed the sensation of being underneath him like this. His cravat was lightly tickling your chest and you laughed involuntarily. He didn’t take his mouth off of you, but you felt him reach up to his neck with one hand and tug the cravat loose, so it didn’t tickle you as much. He also undid his top button, probably to allow himself to breathe better.

‘H-how do you want me to please you?’ Ray asked, still looking for the confidence to be bolder with verbalising what he wanted to say.

‘Mhm, touch me… Ray.’ You moaned into his ear. You decided that if he really wanted to spend the night with his first moment of freedom, who were you to deny the both of you that enjoyment?

‘Like- like this?’ He asked as he tentatively laid on the bed, half next to you and half on top of you. His gloved hand slowly moved up towards your inner thigh as you parted them to grant him access. Ray’s hand disappeared underneath the hem of your black dress as his fingers found the fabric of your underwear. His confidence seemed to falter for a moment of uncertainty until your own hands found their way into his hair again and you pressed a few butterfly kisses against his sharp jawline.

Usually, Ray took his gloves off to touch you since you wouldn’t actually see his hands in the darkness, but this time he kept them on, primarily because you said that you liked them, and secondly because he wanted to live up to the princely imagery you had described to him. His fingers pressed against you gently, moving in small circular motions up and down the length of you. He’d occasionally vary the pressure depending on which spot he was touching, since he didn’t want to accidentally hurt you. He was teasing you and he didn’t even realise he was doing it. Ray quickly found the spot which made you moan the most. Since he was wearing his gloves, he couldn’t physically feel how turned on you were, so he relied on the mewls you emitted to know that he was doing a good job.

‘More… please.’ You sighed underneath his touch. Ray’s hand found its way into your underwear and you moaned into his mouth as you continued to kiss him, It was safe to say that the situation that definitely gotten heated, but you couldn’t tell from whose face the heat radiated the most, ‘Yeah, just like that…’ You affirmed as his fingers circled around your folds, occasionally teasing at your clit. You briefly wondered why he’d didn’t keep his gloves on for this more often, it felt so good. It carried a certain emotion, being touched with leather gloves, that was making you physically weak at the knees. As much as you enjoyed the feeling of his skin on you, you couldn’t deny that the gloves were definitely doing it for you too. He could feel the slickness of your arousal as his gloved fingers slid along your folds until you were melting against his chest. Ray liked that he was in a position to be able to continuously kiss you as he stroked you, he needed all of you at once. He wanted to be in every single one of your senses, the same way that you were all-encompassing to his. His fingers left you briefly, and you mourned for the sudden lost sensation.

‘My princess, would you mind, uhm, lifting your hips up for me?’ He asked in a husky manner that was almost unlike him. He sounded so needy, you immediately complied and helped him to remove your underwear. While you were there, you also kicked off the slipped that you had put on for your long-forgotten walk into the garden. Once you laid back down, Ray’s obsessive hands soon found their way back to your body.

After another minute or so of circling your clit, his fingers lowered themselves to your entrance. He waited, asking for permission, before slowly entering you with his hand. As always, he was patient with your body, especially after having not touched you for a while. He added one finger at first, moving it slowly to let you adjust, before quickly adding another. You had missed the feeling of having him inside you like this. Ray had to adjust his wrist slightly before he continued to let him curl his finger against you, rubbing along your wall in a ‘come hither’ motion. While you had some lube in your bedside table, you didn’t think there’d be a need for it, since you could feel how turned on you were from the cool air hitting the wetness on your  thighs.  You moaned out affection and affirmations to Ray as he increased his speed as he let you pull him into kisses at will or held his head against your chest. However you wanted to hold him, he’d happily go along with it.

‘It’s so good, Ray- ah, right there!’ You choked as he hit the spot that made you almost see stars. He tried to focus on hitting that spot, again and again, his hand becoming wetter and wetter which each passing tap on your g-spot. You were somewhat embarrassed that you could actually hear the motion of Ray’s fingers moving in and out of you but it just seemed to spur him on more. He really was talented with those fingers.

‘I want... more. I saw something that I want to try. I-I promise I’ll do my best to make it feel good… I don’t quite know how to phrase it. I want to taste you, from above-’ He explained, slightly haphazardly.

‘Are you sure? Won’t I be too heavy?’ You questioned; a little bit uncertain of his request.

‘Of course not. In the video I saw, they used a pillow to support their neck and-’ He started, but you couldn’t help interject with laughter.

‘Ray, were you watching porn?’ It just seemed so out of character for him.

‘No! I mean, technically, yes. It wasn’t mine… I was checking that none of the Believers were trying to look at stuff they shouldn’t be and I… found a video. I thought it looked like you might enjoy it. I found that I… wanted to please you like that.’ His face flushed with embarrassment, even after everything that had just happened, he was suddenly embarrassed that he stumbled across and watched a porn video.

‘We can try it, if you want.’ The embarrassment spread from Ray to you, realising that you were, in fact, going to be sitting on his face. You were a little bit self-conscious about your body, so you said you wanted to keep your dress on, and Ray replied that thought you were beautiful, but he understood body issues and wouldn’t push you since this was already out of your comfort zone. Ray removed his fingers from you again and, with his other hand, he laid a pillow flat on the bed and positioned it so his neck was supported at a slight angle. You were a little nervous about hurting him, but since he wanted to try it, you were willing to give it a try.

You sat up, unsure how to how exactly you were supposed to get on his face without crushing him, but still equally as desperate for stimulation. You lifted your dress up and bunched it at your hips, throwing one leg over Ray’s chest so you were almost straddling him at the next. You waited for him to give the okay to move closer and put yourself in his mouth. You felt his hands steady your thighs as he nudged you close to him, clearly equally as eager to use his mouth on you as you were to have him do it.

Ray started with a few small, sensitive kisses along your folds, earning small shudders from above. You felt a little scared to move, in case you fell and hurt him, so you intended to just let him take his time in what he was doing, he was going you so much attention after all. You felt him stick out his tongue and run it in a line up and down you, your breath hitching in your throat when he grazed it over your clit again and again. And then, almost all at once, Ray pushed your hips into your face, so you were completely on his mouth. It was as though something took over him, a hungry desire that he didn’t verbalise, but you could see burning in his eyes as he took mouthful after mouthful of you, You threw your head back in pleasure and choked out his name in broken moans. You hadn’t expected Ray to be so upfront with wanting to do something like this, and then actually taking control with it.

His gloved hands were on your hips, moving you over his mouth with speed. He was practically  begging  you to use him, to let him make you feel good. Ray wanted nothing more than to be useful to you, especially like this. He  needed  that useless body of his to be good for something, to be good for you. He’d never want for anything ever again if you were to, at the very least, allow him to stay by your side like this. This much he could do. Was it selfish of him to think such a thing? Perhaps. But he decided that, with everything he’d endured in his life, he was allowed to keep that one selfish thought close to his heart. It was a little difficult for him to manage while you were obstructing his view, but Ray undid his trousers and began lightly touching his own erection since it had become uncomfortable to ignore, using your own arousal on his gloves as a lubricant. He was already painfully hard from pleasuring you, but he didn’t need any of the attention to be on him tonight, he wanted to be there just to please you, to  serve  you.

He stroked himself with one hand and continued to guide you over his face with the other. He  particularly  liked it when you found the confidence to grip your hands in his hair and start moving yourself against his tongue, using him in the way he wanted you to. You had already been starting to get close to an orgasm when Ray had had his hands inside of you, so it didn’t take very long for the sensation to start building once again. Personally, Ray didn’t have too much stamina so he had to delay his own orgasm for as long as possible to be able to continue watching the show above him to his utmost benefit. He preferred watching you as you moved against him, and he felt drunk when you made eye contact with him whilst you did it. He was the only one who got to see you like this,  the only one.  He didn’t care what he had to do to keep it that way, he’d be possessive, obsessive, compulsive if needs be to ensure that that would remain the case.

Above, you felt the pressure of an orgasm building quickly under the merciless assault of Ray’s tongue. You could feel that Ray was picking up his own pace and moaning onto you, which felt fucking  great.  He was starting to get close too, which made sense because of how aroused he had been just from touching you. Besides, he definitely hadn’t had any time to release himself all week, he was probably just a bit pent up too.   His lips were pursed over your clit, swapping between kissing it and sucking on it and then using his tongue when you picked up speed in order to let you fuck yourself on it, praises and prayers falling freely from your mouth.

‘Fuc- Ray! I think I’m gonna-’ You didn’t even have a chance to finish your statement before Ray picked up the speed he was moving your hips at, quickly sending you over the edge in his mouth. Did he stop moving you, just because you’d climaxed?  Absolutely not.  Through the blinding pleasure, Ray continued to use his mouth on you until your legs started to twitch from the overstimulation. It was watching you writhe above him, knowing that he’d done such a good job that allowed him to find his own orgasm too, quickly releasing over his hand. He touched himself through his peak, mentally visualising how both of your arousals must look mixed between his fingertips. He closed his eyes, feeling lost in the moment where all of his pent-up frustrations from the last week came crumbling down into a moment of practical peace.

When he was done, you removed yourself from his mouth and collapsed on the bed next to him. You were both panting heavily as you crawled to his side, placing exhausted kisses along his jaw and temple. His hair was a mess from where you’d run your hands through it, but you thought it just made him look cute. You weren’t surprised to see how quickly the exhaustion took over Ray after he caught his breath and you convinced him to take the risk and sleep in your room for the night, since you weren’t entirely certain he’d made it all of the way back to his own room without passing out. You took turns in the bathroom, cleaning yourselves up from the unfolded events of the night, and crawled into bed together.

‘I love you, Ray. I really do.’ You said, embraced in one another’s arms in the darkness.

‘I love you too, my sweet Princess.’ He replied, clearly trying to fight off the sleep to continue talking to you.

You pressed one more kiss into his pale cheek, ‘I wish you’d know how precious you were to me.’ You whispered, but he was already unconscious.

[im-going-to-cryo-bust]

heyy,may i request with diluc and kaeya, s/o who gets hurt but like doesn't tell them till someone slips it up.Thank you!!

Diluc and Kaeya on: fem!s/o getting hurt

WARNING: angst/hurt with comfort

You end up in the hospital after a series of rookie mistakes. It's not your first time, so you reassure your teammates and plead them to keep quiet about it. It only takes a few weeks or only one day, considering that elemental healing will speed up the process. All you have to do is lie down and pray that no one spills the beans until things are better or confirmed...

Kaeya is in the center of Mondstadt so it’s impossible to avoid him, he did suspect that your mission is going on longer than usual

Ah, but what was the point of secrecy? Kaeya is too good at sweet talking that he found out in an hour - majority of that hour spent hunting down your party members.

He'll most likely "accidentally" stumble into your party members and bait them to a willing, subtle interrogation

He'll tease out little hints and piece everything together without even needing a direct answer

If you had a minor injury

He would take some time on the way to buy you a snack or gift to make you feel better. He spends a little longer more than he would like, cursing a bit and choosing one of the three presents he thought you might like. You hear rhythmic knocks on your door and the door swings open, Kaeya dramatically walking in with a smug smirk on his face. "How are you doing?"

You roll your eyes as Kaeya saunters in, sitting next to you and holding a gift in his hands. He laughs, but he looks nervous. His leg shakes erratically despite him pushing down on it, knuckles white. Then you remember the way his eyes flickering around the room, averted by his vexing smirk. Before you can talk about it, he interrupts with a distraction, the gift. He observes you with a smile as you brighten up at the sight of it, feeling a lot more better at the sight of you. 

Kaeya continues to distract you with teases that get you all riled up (adorable and hilarious in his opinion) and discussing the nervous nature of your encountered party member. You take the opportunity to retort about his nervousness. He looks stunned for a second, but he chuckles, “I knew I couldn’t get anything past you..” He hesitates. “I was worried when your friends looked so anxious, I was preparing myself for...” ‘The worst.’ Kaeya leaves it as it is, bitter smile in the pensive atmosphere. You clutch his hand tighter and Kaeya lightens up, reciprocating and knitting your hands together.

“When they said it was minor and you would recover soon, it was like a boulder was lifted off my chest.” He pats your head, his touch lingering longer and his gaze fond. “I’m glad, glad that you’re okay.”

If you had a major injury

"What?" His charming smile disappears, words slipping through a frown of gritted teeth, daring (even hopeful) for the person to say it's a joke. The answer doesn't matter, he can tell from their expression. He only allows a flash of pure terror to be seen by them, pushing through the crowds of people to reach the hospital.

When he bursts into the room to see you, his eyes fixated on yours. He freezes at the door, processing everything now while you are there, alive, in front of him. He refuses the voice in his head feeding into his fears, making him scared to come closer for a confirmation. He might have to face it: a loss and an emptiness.

But then you weakly smile and reach out for him; and he can finally breathe again. He is so urgent that he stumbles to get there, to give you comfort. Finally, when he sits next to you, you can see closer the joy but weariness in his expression. He has a smile unlike Kaeya, ridden with anxieties and unable to fool even a domestic dog. He pecks your hand and sandwiches it between his, familiar warmth wrapping around your hand. You start to fall asleep, exhausted by the events of today, and Kaeya overlooks worryingly. These injuries happen all the time, it's part of the job, but it doesn't make it any better to see - especially when it involves you. He swears and curses under his breath, not wanting to wake you up. 'It's best for her to get some rest', he tries to assure himself from his concerns, but he can't stop his stupid leg from shaking. He hangs his head, still clutching your hand, and he allows a few tears to fall despite himself. He closes his eyes and focuses on the touch of you, calming down and slowing down his breaths knowing that you are here, alive and well, next to him.

When you wake up, Kaeya's head lies uncomfortably asleep with a disturbed expression on his face. Your hand is intertwined with his while you both were sleeping, seeking that familiar heat that made you feel ever better. He mumbles in his sleep, his grip tightening on your hand as often as his eyebrows furrow. Your touch soothes him, the tension and wrinkles on his face vanishes when you lovingly stroke his hair or gently caress his cheek. As long as he can feel your warmth, he can sleep much better.

He would either find it through his acquaintance in Mondstadt’s hospital or be told at the winery. 

It’s not pleasant either way, especially since there would be a period of unsettling silence after the metaphorical beans have been spilt

His interrogating is less subtle than Kaeya, very straight forward and to the point so he can get to where you are faster with preparation

Diluc uses the classic, intimidation method that is amplified by his resolve to see you and assure himself that you are safe

If you had a minor injury

You hear soft knocks on your door and a tentative voice asking from your lover, giving you a forewarning before he comes in. He doesn’t waste a second to be by your side, assessing your injury in closer detail then lightly scolding you out of the worry. It might take 2-6 minutes just for him to calm down and get it all out. Diluc is sensitive to your injuries, fearing the worst when anything happens, and he finds it childish; always trying to hide it with his lectures. This grumpy façade falls quickly, like always, after reassurance from you and inspecting your wellbeing with his own eyes. 

Diluc sighs, "...but it's a minor injury, and you’re Y/n L/n.” He smiles assuredly and it encourages you because of how confident he is of you.

He’ll cling to you, self-aware of his behaviour and evidently embarrassed about it, but does it nonetheless with pink cheeks. You pretend not to see when he hesitantly leans on you or when his hand lingers on yours while you both chat about everything else. Soon you’ll find him pecking your cheek or kissing you more than usual

“It’s to make you feel better.” He mumbles going in for another after you tease him about it. Kisses are one of the things he uses to be expressive for his love for you, so he becomes generous when you get hurt like this and gets more affectionate to hopefully “love” the pain away.

If you had a major injury

Diluc is shell shocked; colour draining from his face in favour of raw fear. He is reminded of the dreadful past and it toys with his heart, stringing it along to his vulnerability of you. He fails to fully grasp his thoughts but his legs move on their own to see you, to feel you and to know for sure that you're okay. He pushes and shoves through people in his way, silent to anyone that approaches. He finds it hard to breathe, maybe it's how he ran to the hospital or the tight cinching in his chest.

When he enters your room, he'll take in your form and process the injuries you've sustained. He looks more horrified and panicked the longer he looks. He beats himself over it and swallowing the growing shame in his throat. ‘How could I have let this happen?’ Past buried memories come alive and it gets harder for him to stay grounded. These things don’t go away easily, he knows from experience, and he’s afraid of the unknown future and of what will happen next. What if you don’t recover and... Bad thoughts choke him up and he wallows deeper into it.

But then you smile, like nothing is wrong; even though that small action took so much energy and you end up wincing in pain. Diluc looks heartbroken.

No moment is spared when he is next to you, he'll even fall on his knees and just, cry. It's like all this tension in his chest is released at once. It's scary, worrying even, and you start to wonder who's supposed to worry over who. You stroke his hair and mumble comforting words, his sobbing dissolves into embarrassed sniffles. He remarks on it, but you reassure him that it's endearing.

You both might fall asleep like that; your hand on his nest of hair and his head on the hospital bed. There are some times you wake up and see Diluc awake in cold sweats, tightly gripping on the covers of your bed, pale as a ghost in the night. He tells you to go back to sleep and rest, but you wait until he does. He guilty stares at you as you stay up, half-awake at 2am, about how it’s fine and how it’s going to be okay. He shakes his head and looks pitifully at you, flinching at your injuries - more effected than you are. It makes you upset and a little frustrated, so you sigh and reach out to him. He leans close and you kiss him on the forehead, expressing a passionate-believe me glare. Then he remembers that he trusts you, you are the Y/n he loves. He smiles gratefully, and when you wake up in the morning he is still snoring asleep. 

🌼💫 Hello, sorry for the inactivity, it’s just that I got quite stuck. But now it’s over and this is the result :) This is a very very long post, so I had to put a “keep reading” or else people uninterested would have to keep scrolling for 5 minutes. A reminder is that this is what I hc Diluc and Kaeya to act, it’s not definite and it’s fine if you disagree because this is imaginary and based on subjective perceptions. If you do enjoy these hcs, do check out my blog for more and tell me if you do!

[kimabutch]

Don’t reblog!

Just gave myself my third T injection, so I guess it’s time for a little puberty update!

(The injection, btw, went very well — it’s getting easier every time. Last time, I felt a little light-headed after the injection and had to lie down for a bit, which I assume was because I was anxious about it, but this time, I’m feeling just fine afterwards. I’m having to give myself a 3, 2, 1 countdown each time but that’s okay.)

The most noticeable thing in the past couple weeks has been the arrival of greasy skin and acne. It’s not terrible, which tracks since I had relatively mild acne as a teen (made more noticeable because I can’t help but pick at it), but unlike when I was a teen, this time I’m actually trying to take care of my skin. Most skincare routines are hellish for me as someone with sensory issues (I hate putting product on my face and getting water everywhere when I rinse it), but I’ve been using Micellar Water and that seems to be doing the trick so far.

The jury is split with regards to my voice dropping — most people don’t hear it, but my sister said she could, and personally I feel like my normal speaking range hasn’t dropped but I’m capable of going lower than before. 

There are a few more stray dark hairs, particularly on my belly, which is delightful. I swear my cheek hair is getting longer, and to be honest I started crying when I noticed that. I didn’t realize how much I wanted that, I guess. 

Speaking of crying, I was concerned pre-T about how it would affect my emotions, since I already struggle a lot to cry, especially in front of others. So far, I haven’t noticed any difference on that front, I don’t think. 

I have noticed my mood, energy, and the speed of the changes going down over the 2 weeks between shots, which isn’t great tbh. I know that going to patches or gel can even this out, but I really don’t want to use those because of the price, my sensory issues, and the annoyance of having to use them more regularly. Maybe if it gets really bad, I’ll ask my doctor about going to 0.25/week as opposed to 0.5/2 weeks, although I’m not sure that would be easy to measure on a syringe. Or maybe I’ll wanna up my dose to 0.5/week if I’m not seeing too many changes in the 5 weeks til my follow-up. 

In general, I’m feeling good! :D I’ll probably plan to post another update at the 8 week mark, unless anything really exciting happens before then (sudden baritone voice drop? Pretty please???)

(Below the cut: menstruation & TMI/NSFW stuff)

The bottom growth continues to be wild, and was especially noticeable in the first week after the second shot — to the point of it being painful for a couple of days. Still, the growth itself is very welcome and a lovely sign that T is starting to do its job.

I haven’t gotten any more spotting/bleeding in the past 2 weeks, and though my period’s supposed to be tomorrow, I highly doubt it will be cause I’ve had  no PMS. I don’t mind that too much, but it’s weird not knowing when my next period will be when it’s generally been so consistent.