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onaperduamedee · 9 months

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Notes on The Gathering Storm

BS is much more liberal with shorter and nominative sentences. I feel like I am missing a step at the end of each sentence. It's hilarious.

I get such whiplash from the not-90-pages prologue.

The Seanchan are at last meeting the Trollocs and unning around like headless chickens. Good. Do the Draghkars and Jumara next.

Ituralde filling a city about to be invaded with soldiers is a nice plan. I am so glad he's still resisting.

Errr, Rand appearing to Masema seems a little too Christian even for these books, I am not sure.

Uh. So I hope Faile killing Masema means they will also kill the Seanchan, right? RIGHT

That said, the scene did feel a little odd. I wonder if something's up with her?

So Rand's vision is still messed up after weeks? Not good at all.

"How could he bring peace to a people who refused to accept it?" - You can take Rand out of his empire but you cannot take the imperialism out of Rand.

"She was worth her constant demands for decorum." - thank you Rand. At least we agree that Cads IS useful even if she's tough.

"Otherwise, there won’t be anything left of me for the Dark One to kill." - now that his mind has stopped deteriorating his body is completely breaking up, oof.

Kudos to Rand for opposing torture, even against one of the Forsaken.

Hmmmm, Rand is feeling more antagonistic than usual. This bodes well for an alliance with Egwene and the White Tower, doesn't it?

How very Egwene to stop feeling satisfaction before the state of the Tower because defeating Elaida is not worth breaking the Tower even further. Her POV chapters are truly incredible.

Corridors changing, wind blowing in different directions, tapestries changing, the dead walking, cities vanishing... They’re glimpses into a different turning of the Wheel, right?

I love that Siuan would have furniture with multiple functions. I love that Egwene knows that about Siuan.

"That you are a plague upon this structure as vile and destructive as any disease that has struck city and people in all years past. That you—" - The self-control Egwene has is absolutely breathtaking. I would have broken the bowl on Elaida's head.

Egwene truly is such a remarkable leader. I am speechless before her ability to stand her ground because what she is fighting for is more important than her personal grudges. And the way she reassures the people around her, Medaini, the novices...

Egwene dropping the soup to stop herself from interjecting... So she did break something.

Egwene eats alone and washes her plate while deciding she is here to mend rather than destroy: I love her so much.

"Well," the woman said, standing up and fetching her lash, "the Amyrlin has spoken."

"Yes, I have," Egwene said - I am cackling. You cheeky little thing

"Elaida can say whatever she wants. But that doesn’t change who I am, or who any of us are. Even if she tries to change the Three Oaths, there will be those who resist, who hold to what is correct. And so, when you beat me, you beat the Amyrlin Seat. And that should be amusing enough to make us both laugh. " - I gaped reading this. Egwene is unbreakable. Also, again, only the queerest of vibes from her defiance

Aviendha is such a wholesome and caring character and it's nice to get her POV, but light, do I dislike the implication she wants to become a Wise One mainly to be worthy of marrying Rand.

"I worry that he mistakes hardness for strength." - An incredibly sharp analysis of what is wrong with Rand atm

Perhaps Avi's unexplained punishment is not one at all, but a way for the WO to teach her punishing because she's already ready to be a WO.

So, Sanderson likes quips and autocorrections?

Gawyn is so unsympathetic... He sticks with the WT and not Egwene or Elayne as the WT gave him power and an army: he isn't self-aware enough to realize that his dedication is entirely self-serving

"She was pleasant, for an Aes Sedai, despite the fact that she had helped kidnap Rand and lock him in a box for days, to be pulled out only for the occasional beating." - That's darkly hilarious. Also, Rand is even a worse judge of character than Nyn.

"Rand was a king, though he didn’t wear the Crown of Swords at the moment." okay, that's new. When did he start to think like that about himself? I missed that

How to convince people men who can channel are no longer a danger? I don't know, Rand, but conquering the entire continent and turning battlefields into butcher's yards with Asha'man was not the best way to have them not fear you.

The false dragon concept is so good because from the outside there is no difference whatsoever between Logain, Taim and Rand. They are all incredibly powerful male channelers who conquered nations while rallying men with fear and who hate Aes Sedai. Many followed Rand at first because they were conquered, not because they had a choice.

Rand being so cross with Aes Sedai bonding consensually Asha'man is so funny. He bonded three women after a rather short time because he loved them, but it is inconceivable to him that maybe these men could like the women they bonded.

To me, it's pretty evident: they are channelers and would understand each other better than a non-channeling partner, and it gives them someone to look after and be with probably till their natural death contrary to normal warders.

So it took decades for people to accept the taint when it first happened? That's interesting, particularly in contrast to our hysteria. So there was a bias in favor of men or AS that prevented people from believing they could go mad.

Cads blinding Semirhage before talking. Yes, I was wondering why so many Aes Sedai didn't think people reading lips existed.

Ituralde, the only soldier who has my respect. We love resistance fighters in this house

Lean POV! That is a rarity!

"I believe I owe my sanity to you" - Salidar trio, my love. They genuinely care so much

"Odd, how a novice to be instructed could be beaten but a prisoner to be interrogated could not" - yes, how odd. I wonder if, I don't know, it means novices are too brutally and unfairly treated, maybe? Joking aside, it's because the Aes Sedai know that with Elaida they could become prisoners with a snap of her fingers.

Blood and ashes, the cell melting with Leane still inside was bloody terrifying. Quicksand! But it could happen anywhere.

"And you . . ." She glanced at Leane, then at the remains of the cell. "We will . . . have to relocate you."

"And get me a new dress as well, I assume,’ Leane said, folding her arms." - Aes Sedai are hilarious.

I am sorry, but half the Brown's quarters being swapped with the novices is so unexpected and worrying. Anything can happen. The pattern truly is unraveling.

Nynaeve POV YES THE LADY HERSELF IS BACK

It's really cute that Nyn accepted to be taught the 100 weaves only to distract Daigian and help her mourn. It's child's play to her.

Oh Light, the male ter'angreal Chekhov's gun is still whole! That's not good.

Nyn bemoaning that trying to talk to Rand is like talking to a stone is the biggest most delicious schadenfreude. I thought she knew how to handle Two Rivers' men?

"Well . . . well, because it’s pain. It hurts."

"It should," Daigian said. "Eben is dead. Would you want to forget your pain if you lost that hulking giant of yours? Have your feelings for him cut away like some spoiled chunk of flesh in an otherwise good roast?" - Yeah, as Stepin said, sometimes the pain is all you have left

It's fascinating that Nyn's first instinct was to heal that pain, even if it's psychological.

“her feelings for Lan were genuine, and not due to a bond. He was her husband, and she loved him. Daigian had been possessive of her Warder, but it had been the affection of an aunt for her favored nephew. It wasn’t the same." - wtf Nynaeve? That's such a narrow-minded thing to think about love?!?

It's quite funny to see Nynaeve considering being in someone else's shoes at the tender age of 26. I love her but yeah, like Moiraine, she's not good at this.

Yes! Comrade Nynaeve will change the Aes Sedai hierarchy, I tell you.

"She would have thought that after all this time, he would have realized the importance of getting advice from someone a little more experienced than he." - I am staring into the camera like on Abbott Elementary.

Incredible.

"If Moiraine hadn’t come for Rand, he’d now be dead. With him would have gone the light and hope of the world." - understatement for the ages, though I remain convinced that Moiraine was very much pulled to Rand; it just happened before his birth.

And Nyn is doubting Rand which is incredibly understandable given his power and instability. He is not the boy she knew and remembering who he was will not cure him. It can help with stopping him from hurting himself further though.

Nynaeve goes from "Aes Sedai should not have a power-based hierarchy" and "Rand needs someone with experience guiding him" to "who does Cadsuane think she is" really fast. Nyn will see a potential mentor figure for Rand who is not her and lose it.

Nynaeve is such a realistic blend of insecurities and pride, of immaturity and wisdom, of blindness and self-awareness. Her focus on Rand to provide help and solutions is welcome too. I missed her POVs. It's such a shame we have so few of it.

I am glad Rhuarc and Bael are standing up for themselves, and glader Cadsuane is here to cool down Rand.

I am much more interested in the Aiel now that they are more reluctant to play at being Rand's private army.

"He is of the ones you call a Great Captain. I should like to dance the spears with him."

"You will not," Rand said sharply. - give over and let Bashere die gloriously on the battlefield in magnificent homosexual tension.

A Siuan POV! This book is a banquet of riches with its POVs!

Siuan being as observant of the sky as Nyn is giving me feelings. I am so looking forward to their relationship in the show. It's one of the elements I am most excited about in s2.

Siuan deftly manipulating Lelaine and awwwwww of course Siuan's future as a leader has been evident from the start. I love these insights into what drove her to the Seat. She is ambitious; her path was meticulously calculated.

"riding with vegetables was a fate far less undignified than being forced to jounce around on the back of a horse." - oh, Siuan you ridiculous being

"She’d become something else, a woman who traded in secrets rather than fish." - one day someone will write an essay about Siuan and diaspora and exile and I will cry because it's such a fundamental element of why she believes so much in the White Tower and what makes Aes Sedai Aes Sedai.

"She and Moiraine had fought so hard to save this world, but they had left themselves without anything to enjoy in it." - fuck, wtf?!? My heart. This line goes so hard.

Also, the show brushed on it with mentions of secrets leaving Moiraine bare.

The reflection on Siuan regretting not going out into the world like Moiraine did is all the more interesting when that Moiraine ended up pretty isolated. She couldn't reach Rand or Lan or her sisters or Siuan. Now she depends on almost strangers to survive.

Siuan, for how brutal the severing from the Tower was, is a creature of networks and webs. Even broken and stilled, she easily wove ties to Logain, to Egwene, to the sisters. She was never as alone as Moiraine who traveled the continent to find the Dragon.

As good as the conversation with Bryne about Siuan’s oathbreaking is, his argument regarding his obsession is exactly that of an older man trying to find smart reasons to creep over a (supposed) younger woman. And he KNOWS he is humiliating her. Siuan can delude herself into thinking complimenting her laundry is sincere, he knows exactly how it's meant to diminish her.

Siuan with a sword to kill Elaida in tel'aran'rhiod? Yes, please?

I'll never get tired of Egwene and Siuan's conversations. I love them.

"Will Elaida’s reign of disasters never cease?" - Egwene has sass in excess to sell

My burning hatred for the "once powerful lady with now room in her life for love" trope is back. I'm irate that Siuan would be saddled with that sexist BS. Egwene offers her an angreal and Siuan refuses as if wielding more power was an obstacle to love.

"She held the sum total of his love. She was everything to him." - Perrin always thinks and writes the most beautiful lines about Faile. It's interesting how little we see of her now she has been freed.

Bawler's insistence about the Shaido Wise Ones is fishy. What does he want with them?

"He hadn’t been a good leader lately." - I am pleasantly surprised by Perrin. If he's able to reflect on how he acted during Faile's captivity, I might reconsider my previous frustration.

I am not sure how I feel about Perrin feeling he has nothing to do now. He's deeply protective, and he has even more people to protect now.

Cutting trees in a stedding? The world truly is ending.

Rand is meeting Ituralde in person to forbid him to attack the Seanchan. Again, I love you Rand, but you have approximately zero notion of self-determination. He could have gone to Ituralde with a bargain; he came with orders.

I love bubbles of evil they are so random and brutal. That poor guard being burnt from the inside out had me gagging.

It's cute how often Avi thinks of Elayne when they aren't together.

So, NOW the Aiel are actually starting to get interesting and have stuff like internal conflicts beyond the extremely convenient Shaido split? Up to that point, the Wise Ones seemed to me more or less blander idealized Aes Sedai who mothered Rand.

Yep, the Wise Ones are definitely punishing Avi because she hasn't learnt she's already a WO and still behaves like an apprentice. It's got to be something like this. This is too reminiscent of Egwene. The following Eggy chapter proves my point.

Siuan will deal with this and that: she's more Keeper than Sheriam ever was.

I love that Browns just wear clothes that have gone out of fashion centuries ago. All these details about the every day lives of the Aes Sedai are so enjoyable.

Bennae's just asking for a friend about a situation that has nothing to do with her.

Wait, only Sitters can have quarters with windows and balconies? And the description of the Yellow's quarters shows the TV writers have been paying attention.

Suana is recruiting Egwene to the Yellow? Eggy is really winning them over one by one.

"It’s about passion. If you love to make things well, to fix that which is broken, there would be a purpose for you here." - I love that. It's so fitting for Nyn.

I am really loving the description of Bennae's, Suana's and Meidani's quarters. They have so much personality!

The "I cannot say line" is also directly pulled from the books in the context of the 1st oath holding someone's tongue. Nice!

So Meidani is actually sleeping with Elaida while Elaida knows she has no choice and the BA hunters are forcing her... That's not upsetting.

Egwene showing Travelling to Meidani! EGWENE MEETING THE BA HUNTERS

Egwene is wielding logic and rhetoric like an implacable, swift sword and the way she leaves sisters speechless is jaw-dropping.

Chapter 12 had me so excited that I was reading while pacing my room, muttering to myself like a loon.

What's up with all these Gawyn and Ituralde chapters? Generally, there are far fewer.

That was a good Gawyn chapter for all the information it provided on warders, their relationship with Aes Sedai and their culture. It's nice to have that nuance because too often the bond is presented as something completely unilateral and not a partnership, which it is. Just because we've seen examples of abuse, doesn't mean it's always like that.

"No, he’d supported her because he’d disliked Siuan’s treatment of his sister and Egwene." - You keep her name out of your fool mouth.

At least, it's consistent with Gawyn's personality: he will criticize the Aes Sedai using him, but it's only a way to blame someone else for his poor decision-making.

Cadsuane would call Sorilea to break herself? The bonding over their desire to kill/torture Semirhage was quite fun.

Liking Cads' traps for the a'dam as well. Nice detail!

Wooof, Cads willingly put on an a'dam to find a way to escape? This woman!

In which Rand was right not to reveal how many Forsaken he killed because now he knows they can come back. It's Whack-A-Forsaken!

Why is Moridin revealing to Rand how to destroy him? That's A Gamble, even if he's hoping to turn him.

Min: can't trust Aes Sedai who withhold information from Rand because they think it might be in his best interest

Min two sentences after: decides to hold back information from Rand because she thinks it's in his best interest.

Amazing.

On one hand, I feel sorry for Min because she is dismissed by others for being Rand's GF and that's shitty. On the other, she was pretty much giving him lap dances during meetings at some point, which was frankly disrespectful to his allies

Yeah, the polycule is not working: Min doesn't want to share him, Avi wants to marry Rand so that she has the same status as the others, and Elayne jumped on him the moment she saw him again so that she wasn't the only one who hadn't fucked him.

It's quite sad that Rand isn't actually closer to his friends because sharing about his voices with Mat, whose head is full of dead men's memories, and Perrin, who is a wolf in his dreams and talks to dead wolves, would help.

When Min is not treating him like a child, she's genuinely a great gf.

"Was this how it happened to all of them? Each one assuming that they were really sane, and that it was the other person inside of them who did horrible things?" - That's brutal.

I guess Min found in books that the Seals need to be broken? It's a bit random but good for her?

The Seanchan are the definition of face-eating leopards now shockingly engaged in face eating and seeing Rand so dismissive of them is infuriating.

Sisters prune their plants on balconies so as not to deface the WT: the details!

So, sisters wearing exclusively their Ajah colours IS a thing in the books. It just happens when there's tension inside the Tower and people want to signal their Ajah.

Egwene is quite rational about Rand and how he both changed and remained the same.

"But this conversation wasn’t about what to do with Rand, not really. It was about Ferane trying to determine what kind of woman Egwene was." - HER MIND

As much as I am enjoying Egwene lecturing the sisters, this is feeling just a tad repetitive. Still, extremely delightful.

Oh Light, now they are going the Wise Ones route of servitude to crush her spirit

"Aes Sedai were remarkably like Rand al’Thor; they did not like to know when they were being maneuvered." - That's because he's an Aes Sedai. They're the same at heart with the pull between pride and idealism.

Laras MVP, trying to whisk Eggy away.

Again, Egwene talks about resistance in a way that's so current.

"You are a coward and a tyrant. I’d name you Darkfriend as well, but I suspect that the Dark One would perhaps be embarrassed to associate with you.’" - I screeched like Elaida.

I love finishing Egwene's chapters in the same state as Sitters, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

"The Taraboner White was a thoughtful person, completely unaware that she was one of the most beautiful women to gain the shawl in years" - That's gay Cads.

I am really surprised that with the amount of physical humiliation going around no one thought of spanking Semirhage before as a way to break her. It's immensely silly, I don't even know what to say.

"Very Aes Sedai. Indignation first, implication second." - Siuan remains the best, always. Her insights, her personality, her sharpness.

Siuan shouldering part of the responsibility for the Tower crumbling because she was too focused on Rand has me in my feelings. She's such an incredible character.

The assertion that Sharina "lived" contrary to Aes Sedai because she raised a family is, uh, not great

Oh, Lelaine is making her move against Egwene. Siuan will fix this, I know it. She won’t be outsmarted.

This plot is absolutely incredible.

I feel a bit circumspect about Sanderson's quirk of making explicit so often his characters' reasoning or the way they explain what they do. We don't need Siuan telling she is manipulating Lelaine, we see that from her actions and thoughts.

Tuon talking about cleaning out the Rahad… Right wing talking points.

Tylin was what we French call a collabo. If Beslan follows her steps and accepts the enslavement of a minority in his population in exchange for order, he is no better.

I will so enjoy the Seanchan realizing they cannot bend Rand or Egwene. Their teeth will shatter.

I have things to say about two white men coming up with a scenario where enslavement is the lesser evil, but I need to see how this ends first.

Oh well, I would have greatly enjoyed if Sanderson had left the extreme gender binarism behind, especially if Mat behaves even more sexist.

Talmanes going "Pure poetry" at Mat's rant about women was hilarious. Has he always been this funny?

“‘Incredible,’ Talmanes said.

‘Only that’s not the end of it!’

‘I had presumed that it wouldn’t be, Mat.’’ - he's become Mat's straight man. Except he’s gay.

Meanwhile Mat's POV apparently really, really wants me to know Vanin is fat?

Talmanes is a most excellent guy. Just really chill and helpful, plus dedicated to Mat. He's one of the books' soldier types I enjoy the most, because his dryness seems to come more from his personality than being a soldier man guy.

Perrin, the axe can also be used for something other than killing. And currently his hammer is used more for killing than building. I get the point of the image, I just wish Perrin would get there sooner: the call is coming from inside the house.

A very direct parallel between Rand in the dream meeting Moridin and waking up to Min, and Perrin with Hopper in the wolf dream waking up to Faile. I'm liking these echoes between the boys; they used to be more frequent in earlier books, when the EF5 would dream about each other and I missed this.

Lol, I'm going to start disliking Faile if she keeps on talking like this about what being a noblewoman means. It has nothing to do with nobility; it's about leadership. Most nobles aren't leaders.

Bain and Chiad are gai'shain to Gaul now... I hate this, so much. Burn it.

Fascinating scene between the former Shaido prisoners making a symbolic funeral pyre for the personal effects of the Aiel who died helping them, but also clearly abused their position for favours.

NONNNN, Semirhage escaped with the male a'dam!

"I am the Dragon Reborn. It is not an invasion to march against the forces of the Dark One." - tell that to Tear and Cairhien, whose political system was uprooted to be ruled by one of Rand’s allies.

"Could a man who could laugh also be the man who could face what needed to be done at Shayol Ghul?" - Rand is not having a great time. His mental state is taking a turn for the worse quite sharply this book. But yeah, I like that despite his determination, Rand so vehemently doesn't want to die.

"It would take a hard man to face his own death, to fight the Dark One while his blood spilled on the rocks. Who could laugh in the face of that?" - Moiraine did just fine! But she IS a hard woman. This is of no help to Rand.

Lews Therin at last disclosing what should be done about the bore. Give that intel!

Oh, Lan did a number on Rand with spiel about his duty being heavier than a mountain, didn't he?

Rand misses his dad as he should.

Elza is the one who freed Semirhage and now they've leashed Rand, bloody hell.

The fight was rather quick and brutal, but I liked it. We've already seen Rand against a Forsaken. But the trauma of nearly killing Min will only worsen Rand's state.

I have several questions about Rand using the True Power to kill Semirhage, but I also suspect answers will come soon.

With Cadsuane's exile, it's pretty clear Rand has fully gone Nero at this point. It was bound to happen, but still hurts.

So not only Gawyn is a fool but he is also a jerk who will harm the sentry because he couldn't be bothered to wait to meet Bryne. Up until that point he wasn't even on my top ten worst characters list.

Gawyn is a bully of a spoiled princeling.

As much as I understand that Bryne doesn't know of Rahvin's hold on Morgase, it is so sad to see that this is probably how she will be remembered by many. She doesn't deserve that kind of contempt from Bryne who speaks exactly like a spurned lover.

Shemerin found her way to the Rebels!

"There wasn’t an Aes Sedai who wouldn’t stab her sisters in the back if she thought it would give her advantage." - despite her denial of guilt, Sheriam reasons exactly like someone feeling guilty, just saying. I wonder if there's hope for her.

Halima was torturing Sheriam?!? Talking with Mesaana???

Egwene is so brave. She's beaten, locked away in the dark, waiting for Elaida to maybe execute her and still she will not bend. How much of that is still PTSD, like Rand, I wonder.

Growing a bit bored with Avi's POV tbh. There's too much waiting.

"‘No woman is ready to join us until she has declared herself ready,’ Amys continued. ‘She must present herself as our equal.’" - I was right. It was the good old "she was ready all along" trope.

Fuck you Romanda! No one deserves stilling.

Siuan and her sharp mind asking for the maps immediately. Why is she not best friend with Mat and Birgitte already?

Oh great Cockroaches!

"If Moiraine was still alive . . . Light, what would that mean? How would Rand react?" - PROBABLY NOT WELL

I didn't miss one of the EF5 thinking about something horrible and then going even "Moiraine doesn't deserve that".

Thankfully Lanfear has already been resurrected or rescued by the DO so no need to worry about fighting her.

Mat is doing his usual" I won't help Rand because I'm selfish" which means he will help him.

"I still have a few things I can show this world. If I really can free Moiraine . . . well, we’ll see" -

Happy to see that Thom still fucks and intends to keep on fucking for long

Too much banter between Thom, Mat and Talmanes. Don't like that.

As much as this whole Moiraine/Thom thing follows the proven RJ pattern of 0.5 buildup and man being 20 years older than the woman, I am not bothered by it so far? The fact that Moiraine and Thom were enough of equals in Tear to have a showdown certainly helps, but it's really not as objectionable as Siuan/Gareth

Oh, but the tavern scene in the Tipsy Gelding afterwards? So tense. Sanderson is good with suspense.

"And that’s when the screaming began." // "Burn you, Mat!’ Talmanes said" - I can't believe Sanderson passed on the opportunity to write "Talmanes screamed". That line closing the chapter is Cheeky.

Rage-fueled zombies? I wasn't expecting that.

"She’s not a woman, Talmanes,’ Mat whispered warningly. ‘She’s an Aes Sedai. Don’t think of her as a woman.’" - Mat is such a sexist jerk

Hinderstap... Bloody hell. Is this what happened to So Habor? No, it can't be. Do we get an explanation?

The mad rush to get to Thom, to the Aes Sedai, the disappearing maids, the mayor's matter-of-fact explanation, the fact that travellers can get trapped here and no one can leave... It's so violent and random. That was incredible.

"The list always began with Moiraine. That name hurt the most of all, for he could have saved her. He should have. He hated himself for allowing her to sacrifice herself for him." - you know, what? Perhaps learning that in fact Moiraine didn't die and he didn't let her down will help.

"Death no longer worried him. Finally, he understood Lews Therin’s cries to let it end. Rand deserved to die. Was there a death so strong that a man would never have to be reborn?" - Oh, Rand...

Rand is now openly threatening to kill, worse, to annihilate, people who contradict him.

Again, allowing the Aiel to take the fifth from the rich, when the population lives in poverty, without allowing any portion of that wealth to be redistributed, feels so wrong.

They are not owed wealth that should have belonged to the people.

Rand went from "I won't kill any woman" to "I will threaten to kill every woman disagreeing with me" real quick.

I must say that I am really enjoying this subplot of Aslalam missing. The nobles seem to suspect what happened to him.

So Gawyn is even more sexist than Mat. That's an accomplishment.

Light, Gawyn is infuriating. He is so convinced that he is right and that Egwene needs saving despite her saying the contrary and he won't betray his troops even if it means casualties on both sides!

I have honestly little interest for Bryne’s lecture about choosing sides and fighting for what's right. Especially when it comes with a nice dollop of classism. Yeah, when poor people fight they often have no choice because the rich decide, but it doesn't mean they don't know what is right or wrong.

Quillin is a colouful innkeeper that should be played by Doug Jones.

"He had withered the people with a drought, he had frozen them with a sudden winter, and now he seemed determined to destroy them through sheer melancholy." - that made me laugh.

I'm not convinced Sanderson gets Cadsuane. She feels oddly unsure.

"‘I don’t rightly think I’d call that a difference, my Lord. They want to enslave every one of us, maybe execute us. They think it’s a favor to do either!’" - THANK YOU FLINN

"She has a right to change, Rand thought. What is a loosening of dress compared to the fact that I have ordered exiles and executions?" - Of course she can! Also Nynaeve is arguably the one from the EF5 who changed the least. She was already a grown woman when this adventure started with status and job. Her arc has very much been about accepting change, but she remained very true to herself.

"And thereby leave the world to break again once he was gone." -

Is Rand already beyond salvation? He's gone so far into objectification of others, imperialism and slavery apology that whether he lives or dies doesn't matter. Everything he does now will constitute a huge threat to peace and order later.

The conversation between Nyn and Rand was lovely but also heartbreaking. This Rand is very different from the one we've seen in previous books. Aloof, uncaring.

Now he's threatening Nynaeve with exile?!? Rand don't isolate yourself more!

"She was Aes Sedai now; it had become who she was, more important to her now than being Wisdom had once been" - Quite surprising. Probably stems from Lan's influence and how hard it is for her to be seen as AS, because she's never wanted to be one.

The ghostly procession was quite poetic. And totally foreshadowing.

Cadsuane is definitely acknowledging Nyn as Rand's advisor in her place. For all her faults, she is not a fool and she knows that Nyn is their best chance to work with Rand now.

Nyn recognising Rand is extremely dangerous is refreshing. It doesn't mean he shouldn't be helped, but lots of people will get hurt if Rand doesn't get better, even before Tarmon Gai’don. Something about not adding on the injured toll.

Rand and Lan are alike bc unfortunately Rand believes in Lan's last advice without questions. Also I buried somewhere a meta about Lan being the last of the Malkieri and Rand being the last of the AoL.

Nyn is so special. She seeks out the sick and heals the child with both the One Power and her herbs. Best of both worlds! Even if I'm sad we saw so little of her evolution because she was mostly awol for 4 books, I am savoring what's implied.

Some Moiraine recognition! Thank the Light, we already know Mat is picking her up. I would have been a mess reading this. Moiraine did well, okay? She was quite level-headed about what being the DR meant and the sacrifices to come.

I love that Nyn recognized Moiraine was actually right and immediately after went "I am going to be even more annoying with Rand than Moiraine was." Good. Supporting Rand also means stopping him when he is hurting others and himself. His coping mechanisms are dreadful.

"She’d also like him to be a leader that people respected, not one that people feared. He seemed incapable of seeing that the path he was on was that of a tyrant." - yes, Nynaeve, say it! If he survives TG, many nations wouldn't be wrong to try/sentence him.

It is extremely funny to see Nyn acting every inch the Aes Sedai, ordering guards and servants, rousing the dosun of her sleep and generally plotting left and right. Surprisingly from the inside it looks less than arrogance and more like purpose, doesn't it?

I love the contrast between Nyn believing the Oath road is only a formality and Egwene believing it is what binds Aes Sedai together and make them who them are. So good.

This chapter is just classic Nyn through and through. I love it.

"Two Rivers folk needed no ter’angreal to make them honest." - Oh that is hilarious coming from Nyn. She's the least reliable POV with Mat.

The messenger had to be under compulsion and was killed by Graendal to resist like that to interrogation.

I love Nynaeve Drew's adventures. Nynaeve has much more practical intelligence than Egwene or Siuan, who have tactical/emotional intelligence. It serves her so well in these situations.

Honestly, between her love of justice and her knack for spy sniffing out she would have made a fine Blue.

"This man almost seemed an . . . interpretation of the Rand she’d once known." - That because he's written by another author. More seriously, this calls back to a thing I wrote way back to TDR regarding the metacommentary the Dragon Reborn constitutes in itself. He is a story and part of his power comes from that story. It’s a performative title.

"'You Aes Sedai,’ he finally said, ‘share much with rats, I have come to realize. You are always in places where you are not wanted.’" - That's not a nice thing to say to Nyn, and that's even more worrying considering his previous threats against Aes Sedai. It’s LTT’s influence.

Good lord, Rand completely used Nyn there. He basically tricked her to kill that poor guy under compulsion. That's horrific.

"'That’s what I am,’ Rand said. ‘A story. A legend. To be told to children years from now, spoken of in whispers.'" - Tis the motif. He's so aware that there is no salvation for him because he’s trapped in this story.

“Dream on my behalf, Nynaeve. Dream for things I no longer can.” - I have serious concerns about the way Sanderson is writing Rand, not because of the darker turn, but because his understanding of Rand is completely different, but light, that's a gorgeous scene!

Yep, far too much banter with Mat going on. It's bordering out of character.

“What did you ask? Is there someone who is taking this seriously?” - everyone regardless of personality is quipping like we're in a pop culture phenomenon.

I like the meta of Mat inventing stories for everyone. It's a sweet way for him to reclaim agency over lost memories.

I don't know how I feel about Aludra making all-powerful weapons. This seems like a massive warning sign for history repeating.

So Rand is pretty much being eaten by LTT. He's talking in the plural.

I don't have much to say beside the fact I love seeing the Seanchan in awe of Rand.

Tuon resisted the Ta'veren pull though. That's impressive!

Verin looking for Mat was just hilarious. Sanderson's Verin is much more whimsical and it's not a bad thing. The recollection of her tribulations to find Mat was a delight and it would be a joy to have an actress of Meera Syal's caliber deliver it.

"You’re Aes Sedai,’ Mat said, shrugging. ‘I figured you . . . you know, saidared it.’

‘Saidared it?’ she asked flatly." - I don't have words. What is happening to Mat?

Verin has a letter for Mat to open later? What is it with Aes Sedai and letters?

I am actually so bloody relieved the Seanchan alliance failed because Rand could not tolerate slavery. Thank the Light, I was worried.

Wooof. Rand did go nuclear on Graendal. And the gamble with the foolish noble placed under compulsion. That was chilling.

Several things to note here: a) the acknowledgement that Rand has jumped the shark and is an active threat, b) he is using far too much of balefire not to damage the Pattern c) Moiraine was right.

On the notion of handling vs. helping, someone who is ill can still hurt people. It isn't demeaning to treat mentally ill people as adults with agency. It's harsh or uncaring of Nyn and Cads to recognise that they need to mitigate the harm Rand is doing to the world AND help him.

People hurt by someone who is depressed still deserve to have their status as victims recognised. It doesn't mean the person doesn't deserve help either. But yeah, sometimes it's not the mental illness and that person is an arsehole.

"With Siuan, Egwene could be more relaxed, more her real self." - The relationship between Egwene and Siuan is my favourite of the books.

To Egwene, Siuan led her life at a breakneck speed. It's easy to forget how much of a heretic Siuan was, along with Mo.

Egwene reflecting in the Tuathan'an camp was lovely. Tel'aran'rhiod as an escape from her small cell reminds me of Peter Ibbetson.

The parallels between Rand and Egwene will never cease.

Silviana was what??! Dear Light we've completely lost Elaida.

"'Do you really think you’re in control here, child?’

Egwene met her eyes. ‘Do you want to be?’"- barely freed, Egwene already takes no prisoner.

"By the way, that dress you are wearing is green." - what, and I cannot stress this enough, the hell?!?

This is the moment I started completely losing my calm the other day btw. My notes are illegible because I was hysterical with excitement.

Verin doing THAT just to study the phenomenon has me howling. She's such a nerd!

Awwwwww Tomas is a reformed DF looking for a way out! This is actually so sweet.

Oh, Light! Verin, you were cool before, but now you've breached stratospheric level of coolness. She's on Mars! The bravery! The long con! The sharpness! The style!

"my soul is Brown. Tell them . . ." - Second time I cried after Moiraine's letter to Rand.

"A visit from Verin Sedai", strong contender for chapter of all time against "Honey in the tea". Nothing coherent to say. Brilliant from start to finish.

And the way she left instructions so that her life work would pay off... And Egwene will carry on. The nerves of steel on that girl.

Elaida being a pain in the neck to everyone including the BA had me cackling without end.

Are Siuan and Leane Egwene's dearest friends? She wouldn't suspect Nynaeve and Elayne of being BA.

So Egwene's plans did work and Elaida is considerably weakened as Amyrlin by Egwene's captivity. Good. Sophie Devereaux would be proud.

I've evolved past the need for notes; from now on, I will only be screeching like a pterodactyl to voice my opinion. The Seanchan attack has that effect on me.

"I’m getting her out,’ Siuan said suddenly, surprising herself." - What are you doing, Siuan?

Surprise aside that Siuan would do something so rash - she's NEVER rash, her mind is a clock -, she is so mama bear-shaped. She champed at the bit for weeks and now improvises a break-in because she knows Egwene would rather die than be taken.

The chaos in the Tower, the rage and despair the Aes Sedai are experiencing, the isolated groups desperately fighting, the Seanchan plucking the Aes Sedai like fish, Egwene teaching the novices to link to counteract forkroot, travelling to steal a sa'angreal and blasting the Seanchan... I have no words.

The only good thing coming out of Siuan bonding Gareth is the confirmation from a great general that the bond is an incredible strength booster and something warriors would seek.

I do like that Gawyn is helping her get in after getting her out though.

"That means our chances of surviving long enough to take Egwene just improved. Which is fortunate, since after what we’re about to do, she’ll undoubtedly want the privilege of killing us personally." - where does this dumbass energy in Siuan come from? Did she steal Mat's personality?

It's striking just how much the narrative positions Egwene and Nynaeve as Siuan and Moiraine's successors, with Eggy as the unbreakable Amyrlin and Nyn as Rand's Aes Sedai guide and general DF hunter, both succeeding where the former got burnt.

Blood and ashes, Egwene was magnificent. The moment she saved the Captain-General who was about to jump rather than become damane, I stopping breathing. Her inner monologue when she became a beacon of vengeance was such a fantastic echo to Rand.

The Siuan, Gareth, Gawyn expedition is rather useless since Eggy will return to the WT. I am disappointed in Siuan for this silliness. If it was a raid, which Siuan deduced, Eggy would have been safe in her cell, in which Siuan thought she was. I can't see the show keeping that.

Elaida has been captured? Ugh, I am tired of terrible women always denied trial and instead being humiliated and degraded as punishment.

So, the younger Sitters were chosen by the Ajah heads, and some were sent to stir the Rebels toward reconciliation? It WAS a conspiracy!

Fine, I will concede that I like Sanderson's writing of Siuan and Bryne's relationship better than Jordan's, but it works only better by a margin because they both got a personality transplant. Otherwise, Gareth's boner for depowered and deaged Siuan still makes me want to hibernate.

So Sheriam did lose fingers in her quest for angreal.

Wait, I completely forgot Mesaana should have been in the Tower during the attack.

Oh, the drama of the Sheriam and Moria capture, of Egwene’s plan to catch the BA. Everything is happening so fast. I love that Eggy's so driven by cold fury. It's frightening.

Aes Sedai do have a sense of honor, despite what the Aiel say. When circumstances require of them to break oaths, they will not shy away from the punishment that should be brought by the transgression. Check and balance is a core principle to them.

Seeing Nyn struggle like Moiraine did with Rand is utterly fascinating and moving. You can't be your friend's (or your partner’s) therapist.

Hurin is the Borderlands delegation! My man! I am so happy to see him doing well!

Rand threatening the Borderlanders now: that’s catastrophic. He needs them badly.

Rand seems almost shallow? Like his rage is strangely disconnected from his being or his duty. He's barely recognisable. How is he different from Elaida as he acts now? This is going to be a huge issue working with Eggy.

I wish Min had voiced sooner that her viewings would be moot if the Pattern burnt. Some have been relying far too much on her talent.

Okay, Sanderson definitely writes Cads as more cantankerous.

At last, they are finally all working together to help Rand.

Egwene beheaded the BA sisters!?! Blood and ashes! I know this is war but good lord. At least, they had a trial.

Oh, Egwene judges they had been greedy in keeping Moghedien rather than executing her? Interesting. Power is certainly affecting her.

Ngl I'm miffed Siuan damaged her relationship with Egwene for what was essentially a pointless move since Egwene is already being accepted back in the Tower.

Light, the symbolism of the gutted Hall looking at Dragonmount is the most striking image of the books so far. This should be a poster.

Silviana is her new Keeper! That's a bold move.

I teared up at Eggy's speech. She is able to compromise with the Rebels' responsibility in breaking the WT, but also won't coddle the WT AS. This is the result of centuries of failure. The AS have to learn from their mistakes: Tarmon Gai'don is upon them. All of this started because male and female Aes Sedai could not work together 3000 years ago. If they cannot fix their internal differences now, this is the end.

Sanderson seems rather disinterested in the Aiel compared to Jordan.

Pfeeeew seing Rand debate whether or not nuclear bombing people who have the gift of blessedly ta'verenless freewill is horrifying. What the hell is happening to him?

"Bringing life to the dead was beyond him, she’d said." - Moiraine will be his second chance then. She has to help.

The Tam and Rand reunion was lovely until Rand was about to balefire Tam. The escalation in this book is as satisfying as the one in LoC.

"Lews Therin had been able to claim madness for his atrocities. Rand had nothing, no place to hide, no refuge from himself." - That's the thing with mental illness though. Your brain is affected so it cannot detect it’s sick. Rand cannot see that he has reached a point where every attempt to help will be a Hail Mary.

"If I live again, then she might as well!" - it's again one the elements that make me confident in the show. It's been introduced with Illa and her daughter already.

EEAAO agrees with Veins of gold - nothing matters, so everything matters!

Though I'm not sure I am satisfied with the conclusion that it's okay because we have a second chance? I don't disagree. I don't think the scene is as well written and brought about as it could have been. I wonder if these were RJ notes that Sanderson didn't want to touch too much or if he wrote it entirely.

If Rand's arc is about mental illness, this realisation feels quite hollow. Rand's life is the life of anyone living with a mental or chronic illness and knowing this will not go away and will probably kill him. There's no reward for the suffering. It isn't a price to pay for peace. As Tam said, everyone is caught in a web

Egwene in a cell, Rand in the box, Egwene collared, Rand collared, Egwene uniting the Tower, Rand uniting the nations, Egwene losing it against the Seanchan, Rand losing it against Graendal, Veins of gold, Light of vengeance... This was really the culmination of Egwene and Rand as separate mirroring characters.

Oh, a Rose window overlooking Dragonmount is being built to repair the wound left by the Seanchan in the Tower. And the light on the mountain is Rand. It's a stunning image. Probably making it my favourite finale with Winter's Heart.

This book is definitely in the top 3 of the series for me. I did enjoy it as much as TDR and TSR, which is very promising for the next two installments. Stylistically, Sanderson's voice is completely different, but it's also quite unobtrusive. He's still fumbling some characters like Siuan or Mat, but it was bound to happen. Nynaeve still has a half-assed arc, but it’s been a joy and a relief to see her step into her role as Rand’s Aes Sedai counselor. Mat isn’t given much to do but it remains extremely entertaining. Perrin’s plot is loitering. The complete absence of Elayne this book cements my belief that her succession arc would fit better in a side-novel like New Spring: the story feels more balanced because it's not Rand and his allies vs. Caemlyn plot. This book truly is Rand’s and Egwene’s though: their respective arcs mirror and interact so artfully, so powerfully. I honestly had my doubts coming in, but I had an absolute blast and am now excited for the next ones.

#wot book spoilers #wot book review #The wheel of time #wot first timer #the gathering storm #wot book journey #remblai #I had such a great time #as I say to everyone who heard me complain about the slowest bit:#when it's good it's really really good #again it's too long but it's for me

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clare-with-no-i · 3 years

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Hey, just wanted to wish you good luck with the next BaF chapter. You can do it! Remember to take breaks if you need to, and not to put too much pressure on yourself, though! :)

hi lol this is so sweet thank u so much!!! I haven’t been on since last night because uMMMMMMM something has gone wonky with my internet and AO3 is just full stop not letting me post the chapter LMAO???

like can u imagine my face rn. I have been alternating between swearing at and maniacally laughing at my laptop for 12 hours because I finally got this chapter done that’s been plaguing me for 2 whOLE MONTHS....and AO3 just fucking NBA blocks my shit in the eleventh hour.

so. that’s where I’m at. like I’m currently in a bit of a woodsier area and the internet has been slow for as long as I can remember but this has never happened before??? I’m truly speechless.

anyway. I’m trying every possible thing I know to get the chapter up, even though it’s a full day late which is making me >:( but thank you for this sweet sweet message!! I’ll be back on and shitposting per normal once it’s posted <3 xx

#I'm not kidding #I'm freaking tf out lmao #but I am also self aware enough to realize how hilarious this is #I didn't say anything until now because I knew if I did last night it would have been just relentless live blogging of a mental breakdown #which #we don't want to see #ask #anon #ily tho

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d-criss-news · 3 years

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20 Questions With Darren Criss: How Acting Has Helped Him Make New Music

While Darren Criss has graced our TV screens with a range of characters, from high schooler Blaine Anderson on Glee to serial killer Andrew Cunanan on The Assassination of Gianni Versace, he was last spotted just being himself, on our For You Page on TikTok. “I’m walking to rehearsal with a guitar on my back with a Trader Joe’s bag ... I did not bring an umbrella because I forgot that it was raining. I’m rocking that NYC musician life,” the Glee alum explained in the hilarious clip posted three days ago.

While Criss’ acting work has earned him acclaim and stardom, he leaned into making music during the pandemic. On Aug. 20, he dropped a new EP, Masquerade, featuring five new tracks that Criss says were inspired by the different characters Criss has embraced throughout his career. After Criss wrote songs for his musical comedy web series Royalties and Apple TV+’s animated sitcom Central Park before the pandemic struck the United States, he then used those experiences as a precursor to his new EP. As Criss continues to promote his new music, he answered 20 of Billboard's questions – giving us a peek into how his new EP came together, and how growing up in San Fransisco shaped him as an actor, singer and all-around artist.

1. What inspired your latest project, Masquerade?

Although I would have preferred that it come at a far less grim cost, I finally had the time. Before the pandemic, I had written 10 new songs for my show Royalties -- along with an original song for Disney and another for Apple’s Central Park. These were all assignments in which I was writing for a certain scenario and character. Go figure. It was the most music I had ever written in a calendar year. This really emboldened me to rethink how I made my own music— to start putting a focus on “character creation” in my songs, rather than personal reflection. The latter was not proving to be as productive. The alchemy of having this time and having set a new intention with my own songwriting and producing made me put on a few of my favorite masques and throw myself a Masquerade.

2. How do you think your background as an actor complements your music?

They are one and the same to me. I treat acting roles like musical pieces— dialogue is like scoring a melody; there’s pace, dynamics, cadence, tone. Physical characterization is like producing -- zeroing in on the bass line, deciding on the kick pattern. Vocal characterization is like choosing the right sonic experience, choosing the most effective snare sound, and mixing the high end or low end. It goes without saying that it works in the complete opposite direction. Making each song is taking on a different role literally and employing the use of different masques to maximize the effectiveness of the particular story being told.

3. On Instagram you wrote that “Masquerade is a small collection of the variety of musical masques that have always inspired me.” Which track do you identify with most in your real life?

Everybody absorbs songs differently. Some key into the lyrics, some into the melody, some the production, some into vocal performance. When I listen to songs, I consider all of their value on totally different scales. So it’s hard to say if there’s any track I “identify” with more than any others, since I -- by nature -- identify with all of them. I think I just identify with certain aspects more than others. If it helps for a more interesting answer, I will say I enjoy the slightly more classical, playful -- dare I say -- more Broadway-leaning wordplay of “Walk of Shame,” but that’s just talking about lyricism. I enjoy the attitude of “F*kn Around,” the batsh--t musicality of “I Can’t Dance,” the relentless grooves of “Let’s” and “For A Night Like This.” All have different ingredients I really enjoy having an excuse to dive into.

4. What’s the first piece of music that you bought for yourself, and what was the medium?

Beatles audio cassettes: “Help” and “Hard Day’s Night.” I just listened on repeat on a tape-playing Walkman until my brother and I got a stereo for our room with a CD player in it, which was when I just bought the same two albums again, but this time as compact discs.

5. What was the first concert you saw?It’s hard to say, because my parents took us to a lot of classical concerts when we were small. But I guess this question usually refers to what was the first concert you went to on your own volition, and that my friend, was definitely Warped Tour ’01. My brother and I went on our own— two teenagers going to their first music festival, in the golden age of that particular genre and culture. It was f--king incredible.

6. What did your parents do for a living when you were a kid?

My dad was in private banking and advised really, really wealthy people on how to handle their money. My mom was, by choice, a stay-at-home mom, but in reality, she was my dad’s consigliere. They discussed absolutely everything together. They were a real team, and I saw that every single day in the house. They both had a background in finance (That’s how they met in the first place.) and were incredibly skilled at all the hardcore adulting things that I absolutely suck at. They were total finance wizards together. So of course, instead of becoming an accountant, I picked up playing the guitar and ran as far I could with it. Luckily, they were all about it.

7. What was your favorite homecooked meal growing up?

My dad was an incredible chef. For special occasions, I’d request his crab cakes. They were unreal. I’ve never had a crab cake anywhere in the world that was good as my dad’s.

8. Who made you realize you could be an artist full-time?

I don’t know if I’ve actually realized that yet.

9. What’s at the top of your professional bucket list?

The specifics change every day, but the core idea at the top is to continue being consistently inconsistent with my choices, and to keep getting audiences to constantly reconsider their consideration of me. But I mean, sure, what performer doesn’t want to play Coachella? What songwriter doesn’t want to have Adele sing one of their songs? What actor doesn’t want to be in a Wes Anderson film?

10. How did your hometown/city shape who you are?

San Francisco. I mean, come on. I was really lucky. The older I get, the more grateful I am for just being born and raised there. It’s an incredibly diverse, culturally rich, colorful, inclusive, vibrant city. By the time I was born, it had served as a beacon for millions of creative, out-of-the-box thinkers to gather and thrive. I grew up around that. The combination of that with having parents, who were unbelievably supportive of the arts themselves, laid an incredibly fortunate foundation to consider the life of an artist as a legitimately viable option. It’s a foundation that I am supremely aware is not the case for millions of young artists around the world. I was absurdly lucky.

11. What’s the last song you listened to?

I mean probably one of mine, but not by choice. I know, lame. But I’m promoting a new EP, what’d you expect? But if you wanna know what I’ve been listening to, as far as new s--t is concerned: a lot of Lizzy McAlpine, Remi Wolf, and Charlie Burg.

12. If you could see any artist in concert, dead or alive, who would it be?

The Beatles is an obvious "yeah, duh." Sammy Davis, Mel Tormé, or of course, Nat King Cole. I would’ve loved to see Howard Ashman give a lecture on his creative process and his body of work.

13. What’s the wildest thing you’ve seen happen in the crowd of one of your sets?

I feel like just having a crowd at all, at any one of my sets, is pretty wild enough.

14. What’s your karaoke go-to?

The real answer to this I’ll write into a book one day, because I have a lot to say about karaoke etiquette. I have two options here: I can either name a song that I like to sing for me, for fun, or I can name a song that really gets the group going. The answer depends on what kind of karaoke night we’re dealing with here. So I will say, after I’ve selected a ton of songs that services a decent enough party vibe for everyone else, then I would do one for me, and that would be the Beatles’ “Oh! Darling.”

15. What’s one thing your most devoted fans don’t know about you?

What I have up my sleeve.

16. What TV show did you binge-watch over the past year?

Dave is a stroke of genius. There are episodes that I believe are bona fide masterpieces. Also, My Brilliant Friend is a masterclass in cinematic television.

17. What movie, or song, always makes you cry?

It’s A Wonderful Life.

18. What’s one piece of advice you would give to your younger self?

Get used to sharing everything about yourself and your life now, or more astutely, to the idea that you don’t necessarily get to control how your life is shared. I know it’s not really your thing, but you’re gonna have to get used to it, so start building up those calluses now. And don’t worry, all the stuff you love now will be cool again in your mid-thirties, so keep some of those clothes because you’ll be a full-blown fashion icon if you just keep wearing exactly what you’re wearing. Oh nd also, put money into Apple and Facebook.

19. What new hobby did you take on in the last year?

I’ve always been a linguaphile. My idea of leisure time is getting to study or review other languages. This past year, I took the time to finally dive into learning how to read, write, and speak Japanese. Other than making music, it was one of the biggest components of my 2020-2021.

20. What do you hope to accomplish or experience by the end of 2021?

I hope I get to play live shows again.

#darren criss #billboard #masquerade ep #press #sept 2021

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physicalturian · 3 years

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[G] Gentle summer - Rengoku Kyojuro x GN!Reader - Part 2

[Contains spoilers from the movie, and the manga] [No pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18]

Words : 10 317

Archive of our own

Warnings : Blood / Injuries / PTSD

--- Part 1 -

I do not care. I do not care. I kept repeating to myself when I felt the two little hands nudging my thigh. My name was called in the hope of waking me, little did they know I was fully awake but did not wish to wake up. I was trying my hardest to keep my eyes shut, it was in vain when Naho mentioned him, “The Wind Pillar has arrived at the mansion and is looking for you, he seems to be in a foul mood and-“ “No need to say more, this man is always in a foul mood but I will get him. You can leave, thank you Naho,” She gave me a curt nod and stood up, pausing mid-way to the door when she giggled and smiled at me before looking next to me and hurrying off.

Something was holding me back from fully sitting up. It was heavy, and as I tried to move my hand I realized it was wet. Slowly turning my head, I covered my mouth to hold back a laugh. The sight was hilarious, Kyojuro was laying the lower half of his body on the futon while the top half was on the tatami. His hand was still holding mine, but he was now resting his cheek on it too, drooling. As much as I found the situation adorable, it worried me that he was laying on his stomach. “Kyojuro, would you please wake up?”

I patted his cheek to get him to react, nothing. Pinching it lightly did nothing either. “It is still morning, do not make me yell,” I mumbled as I hesitantly ran my hand through his hair. It was soft, with a lot of knots, but still enjoyable if I did not thread my fingers, that is. “I have a lot of patience, but as cute as this is, you are sleeping on your stomach and I will not have it,” Without much gentleness, I slipped my hand out of his, earning a sleepy grunt from the man when his cheek hit the tatami. Looking at the time, I hurried to help the man back on his back and onto his futon, then left the room after putting my futon away once I made sure his wound was alright.

Knowing Sanemi, he would not give me time to get changed once I’m in his vicinity, so I made a detour to get dressed in my kimono, without forgetting my sword, before going exactly where I knew he’d be. There was no way to deal with this man with gentleness, usually Shinobu or Aoi would take care of the Pillars when I was busy but not him. They did not want to waste time with him.

Entering the dojo, I did not knock to warn him of my presence, I slid the door open with force before closing it the same way. “You are bleeding over the tatami,” I stated to the man who was training, blood dripping from his open wounds. My stare was not one of someone afraid of the violent man, but of someone annoyed to the bone. “I wouldn’t be here if you had arrived sooner,” He snapped, slashing more decoys, his eyes ever so filled with rage.

“I am here now, stop moving,” Aoi must have sneaked in earlier to put the necessary to treat his wounds, which explained the tray with medical necessities. While Rengoku did not listen to me out of air-headedness, Sanemi did not listen out of spite. He had heard me perfectly well but was being his usual self. It’s with a sigh that I unwrapped the additional sash around my waist and used it to tie my sleeves out of the way, “Why is it always like this with you?” I asked once I was done.

He faced me with a maniac grin, “It’s more entertaining like that, come at me,” it was always the same. The man was fully aware his wounds needed treatment, but if the attention was not given the moment he arrived at the Butterfly Mansion, he would go on about his life, untreated. Using brute force was the only way to get him to stay put, and that’s what I did, it was not a serious fight, far from it. No breathing technique were used, a simple sword fight. But even with a gash on his arm, Sanemi was strong, he was an amazing swordsman.

The loud clash of the metal colliding was repetitive, consistent, it was accompanied by long sounds of the same metal as our swords slid against one another. The closeness of our faces was paralleled by our swords pushing with force against the other. “I have barely woken up, I am in no mood to entertain you any longer, just drop your sword,” I grunted, trying hard to match the force with which he pushed against my blade.

“I don’t care,” He pushed once more then stepped back, when I almost tripped, I still caught a glimpse of the wince that flashed on his face before disappearing. “You are weak,” He spat, running at me again, I did not step down. “I might not be a Pillar, but I am not weak,” I said casually, this time gaining the control as I pushed him back, holding my sword with one hand as I moved my free one to grab his arm roughly. It made him moan in pain, but he did not let go of his sword.

“You play dirty-“ “It is to match the state you put the dojo in,” I said playfully. As humorous as I was trying to be, I knew he was going to stop fighting soon enough to let me treat him, but I did not appreciate the disrespect of ransacking this place for entertainment. “It’s just blood, who cares,” He shrugged, stepping away from me as he let his sword drop by his side, sheathing it away.

Mirroring him, I did the same, my back facing him as I took the tray from the ground and joined the man’s side. He had slumped down on the ground gracelessly, his sleeve rolled up, “Clearly, you are not the one cleaning it. Are you not aware of how hard it is to get blood off the tatami straw?” He simply rolled his shoulders in response, looking away as I treated his wound. I knew here and then that the conversation was over, there was no surprise; The length of our interactions could be summarized to aggressive banters, not that I had any say in how it went. I simply knew how to deal with the man.

“You have frightened the girls, and you have made of this place a mess,” I started, while packing everything, “Apologize to them on your way out,” It was not a question, it was a command. I was not in any power to do so, I was not Master Ubuyashiki, Pillars were not my subordinates, but I liked to believe they respected me enough to listen to me when I’d tell them they’re in the wrong. The odds of the Wind Pillar excusing were slim, but I found solace in knowing I tried. No one can change a stubborn man, not even kindness, not when he seems so keen on being wilder than a boar.

With a huff, he left, but the door did not close. As I stood up, I saw a blond mop of hair outside, “You have awakened, did Tanjirou make a lot of noise when he woke up?” I asked the lightning user. Zenitsu had a strange way of using his breathing technique, but was a skilled fighter, nonetheless. It did not show in the way he held himself. Stammering, the boy stood straight, “Tanjirou said that- big brother- I mean, the… Rengoku woke up? Can-“ He was pushed to the side when the face of a boar was now in front of me, “Can we see him! Gonpachiro saw him-“ He was very loud, and very energetic, it was too early for this.

Placing a hand on both their shoulders, I smiled kindly, “He needs some rest,” They sighed, so I continued, “The proper way to start the day would be the morning meal, let us eat, then I shall see if Kyojuro is awake,” After asking them if it sounded good to them, the two boys nodded and sped off. Somehow they managed to turn their breakfast into a competition, which threw me off slightly but at the same time made me smile. I was glad to see them well after the events on the train. While I was not there, I knew they had fought bravely and assisted the Fire Pillar with honor. Strong fighters are those with strong hearts, but a strong mind plays a big part too… let’s see how long they’ll last… I thought darkly.

Aoi told me she’d check on everyone while I had breakfast, she argued it was to compensate the morning setback and to help me release some stress from having dealt with the Wind Pillar. I told her it was alright, but she insisted. It was odd but appreciated. What was even more strange was when I joined the kitchen, I was quickly shooed away by Sumi. “Kiyo will bring you to your room!” “Sumi, I know where my room is, would you please tell me what you are up to?”

The young girl shook her head as her friend held my hand and pulled me in a direction. I did not need to read minds to know where she was bringing me, “Kiyo, this is not my room. It is-“ “You’ve spent the night there! Even if it’s a secret, we’ll help you out!” She whispered excitedly as she knelt by the door and slid it open, gesturing for me to get in. I crouched down to her level and used a gentler voice, to show I was not mad, “Has he given his permission for you to do this? It’s his private chamber, and he is also in need of rest-“ I stopped talking when she looked down, her hands on her lap as she greeted someone shyly, with a lot less familiarity than she would if it were me.

Looking to my left, I was being towered by the warm presence of the Fire Pillar behind me, “Thank you, young Kiyo!” The girl nodded and hurried off, but I was able to catch a glimpse of her reddening cheeks as she disappeared off. “A fine morning! Thank you for coming, I was not sure you’d agree,” Rengoku said as I entered the room, closing the door behind me.

“Before you say anything, I haven’t done anything!” He said in a defensive manner, laughing softly as he showed me the trays on the veranda. “This morning Shinobu visited,” He paused as he showed me he could sit down without much help, I smiled to myself at the determination he put in all of this, he was also proud of showing his improvement. The Pillar seemed to have seen it, he looked up at me and grinned, “Within a few days, I will be able to go everywhere with you-“ He cut himself off when I made a curious face. “In a sense of going on a date with you, I do not plan of following you around the mansion,” He said, chuckling.

While he said so, his cheeks were brightening. The sun was not yet to blame since it was not on this side of the building yet. Huffing a laugh, I knelt in front of him, our food separating us. “I see nothing wrong with having you around me a bit more, I find you very calming,” Bowing, I wished him a good meal as we then both started eating. He did not, however. He looked at me with bright eyes, “You do?”

Chuckling, I nodded, “I do, yes, even when you talk a bit loudly it is enjoyable to be around you,”

Rengoku hummed, the smile on his face growing wider and wider by the second. “I feel the same about you!” He told me, as he tied his hair back to get it out of the way as he ate. To that, I laughed as I finished my bite, hoping the warmth in my cheeks wasn’t showing. “Maybe it is biased by the fact that I took care of you many times, have you considered that?” Yes, I accepted his courtship, yes I found the man beautiful in all aspects… and yet, I was trying to make him change his mind. Was part of me thinking I was not worth his attention?

I shook the thought away and tried, at the same time, to avoid staring at how gorgeous he looked with his hair tied back. “It is fantastic that you can take care of people! I myself am clumsy and come back with a lot of wounds, but that is not the reason why I like you,” He paused, about to shove the biggest portion of food in his, already full, mouth. I placed a hand on his, making him look at me like he was caught red-handed. “Sorry,” He said it in a way that was muffled by the food and how much he had in his mouth but I still smiled.

When he swallowed he put chopsticks down and held one of my hand in both of his, “It’s the way your eyes light up when doing the things you like the most, it’s the way you carry yourself everywhere with such grace-“ “Grace is a big word, wouldn’t you say?” I said.

“To me it’s grace! If it’s not, you still look stunning every day, but I find you the prettiest when watching the sun set. It sends my heart all over the place to see you smile-“ His compliments, while kind-hearted and genuine, were becoming too much for my erratic-beating heart. I carefully pried his hands away from mine and covered his mouth, lifting myself on my knees a little to reach his face. “Your point has been made, Kyojuro, I shouldn’t have assumed you were biased, I get it”

Under my hand, I could feel his lips turning up, his smile broadening as he moved my hand from his face, “I’ve changed my mind!” He exclaimed, letting go of my hand. Quirking a brow in response, I wondered what he meant by this. His eyes weren’t leaving mine, his smile turned more smug than joyous, while both were positive feelings, I couldn’t help but feel my body react someway. “The sight of your bashfulness might be a prettier sight than that of your face under the sunset’s golden glow,”

Any hope of hiding how flustered I was, was gone after he opened his mouth. The funny feeling inside my chest was not leaving, if anything it was reaching for him, but I did not. Looking at my food, I chuckled nervously then said, “I will have to take a look at your wound, you rolled on your stomach during the night. I was rushed this morning, I did not have time yet to do so,” When Rengoku laughed, oh so beautifully, I looked at him with a frown. It was in no way threatening, but I tried hard to keep some ounce of dignity.

“This is serious, I hope it was worth it. I even had to drag you back to your futon,” Nodding fervently, he took a sip of tea to help the food pass then beamed, “It was absolutely worth it, I got to hold your hand. I would have expected you’d have let go during the night, but I am overjoyed that you did not,” His sincerity was off-putting and welcomed at the same time, I tried to match it to no avail.

“I did not want to let go, I was here to help you sleep after all, was I not?”

“I’d like to think you enjoyed my company too, you are free to leave whenever you wish!” It was not some passive-aggressive speech, it was honest. And it was sweet too, he deserved some back. “I will be staying until you are fully recovered…” I trailed off, hesitating to add more, trying to make it sweet but I did not know how, then I spoke, “It was a peaceful sleep, I trust you slept well too? After all, you did end up sleeping on my hand and drooling on it, I felt you must know about it,” It was his turn to be embarrassed as his face turned a different shade.

He swallowed, with some struggle, and quickly said, “I am sorry for the drool! I slept very well, I had to come closer because you tugged my arm during your sleep, it was adorable,” I covered my mouth to avoid spitting everything out and finished eating before reacting, “Have I done that, now? That…” I wouldn’t know much of what I do in my sleep, it was quite exceptional to sleep this close to anyone. Ever since I started the slayer training I have had no opportunity to share a bed with anyone. There was no denying what he had said, nor had he given me any reason to distrust him.

“Well, perhaps I will bring my futon closer next time. I wouldn’t want you to end up on the tatami once more,” I trailed off. Noticing he was done eating, I did not give him time to react and grabbed my tray, “I will be cleaning everything up, sorry for intruding. Kiyo brought me here, she-“ “I asked her to bring you! I wanted to eat breakfast with you, has she not told you?” Clenching my jaw, I threw a glare at the door, although I couldn’t see anyone I knew one of the three younger girls was waiting outside.

Sighing in resignation, I put everything down and sat next to the Fire Pillar after moving the pillow. “She made it seem like it was her idea, I felt a bit uneasy interrupting you. I also thought you were still asleep,” Kyojuro hummed, wordlessly telling me to continue. Looking to the side at the flamboyant man, I smiled and placed my hand down, close to his, “I think I like the idea of you trying to have the girls’ attention for such a small endeavor. It is cute,”

“You think I’m cute?” He did not seem shocked, it sounded more like he was making sure he heard right. Though I was persuaded he knew he heard right since he was smiling proudly at me, “Among other things, yes,” I tried to give off an air of mystery, and it seemed to have worked since it piqued the man’s interest. “Among other things? I wonder what else it could be,” He was thinking deeply, his chin resting between his index finger and his thumb. Reaching for the ribbon in his hair, I untied it and freed his mane, I was in awe at how much his hair was tangled.

Quirking a brow curiously, Kyojuro asked, “Do you prefer it undone?”

I laughed, “My preference does not matter, but have you considered combing your hair?” He shook his head, “It gives some volume with the knots!” I did not know who had planted that idea in his head, it was odd, and I was not expecting him to say that at all. When I stood up, he stopped me by grabbing my hand, “Are you leaving already? Will you return tonight?” My heart soared, the pleading look in his eyes turned me into a puddle, but I kept my composure and huffed a laugh.

“I am not leaving; I believe there is a comb in the cabinet. If you’d allow me, I’d gladly untangle that mane of yours. You will not lose volume, I promise,” There was a glimmer in his eyes when he smiled and went to stand up, fortunately I was next to him when he started falling forward. I quickly took hold of his arm and held him back from hitting the floor. Helping him back to his feet, I inquired, amused, “You are wearing a jinbei, on what could you have tripped?”

“Well- Maybe it was a technique to get closer to you?” He smiled at me, he had been doing so a lot recently, and goodness was I weak to it. Not just his smile, but his presence, his laugh, his pretty face… that was getting closer now. I did not look away; I matched the intensity of his gaze but couldn’t find the proper words to reply. Of course, I wanted to get closer to him, but what would the others think? Was it a good time to do so? A lot more was to come, and we could not allow distractions. My eyes darted to his lips, I knew it, but I quickly averted my eyes to look at the pillow on the ground.

“Let’s get you seated so that I can check your wrappings,” I whispered, gesturing for him to sit down. Rengoku made a confused sound but did as I suggested; Once seated, he leaned his head backwards to look at me, “As comfortable as this jinbei is, would it be problematic if I wore my kimono?”

Glancing at him as I made my way to him, fresh wrappings in my hands, I nodded, “Once I’ve changed your bandages, you can do whatever you’d like- unless it’s training. That is still off-limits… However, seeing how fast you’re healing, I might let you train tomorrow.” I told him as I gestured for him to lift his shirt. The Pillar leaned back on his elbows after having undone the tie of his jinbei, his bright eyes observing each of my movements. It did not look like it, he seemed to be simply fascinated by what I was doing but I could see he was thinking of more.

To get his mind off of whatever was going in his head, I prodded, “Are you not excited to be training-“ Suddenly, my hand was gripped when I was about to uncover his wound, a frown painted on his features the Fire Pillar did not move. Rengoku Kyojuro was a man of many talents, being the most optimistic in this mansion was one of them. Never had I seen him without a smile or confidence. Even at this very moment, the look on his face made me want to pity him, his features were serious but seemed to be hiding some pain, it was not a sight I relished in, but he was not asking for pity. Instead, I gave him time.

When he did not let go after a few minutes, I grabbed his hand with mine that was not tightly held in his large one. “Kyojuro, are you alright?” His hand did not move, so I gently pried his fingers away. As I started doing so, he came back to me and let go of my wrist, quickly after, he threaded his fingers with mine and brought my knuckles to his lips. “I apologise, I don’t know what came over me. I’m-“ He chuckled nervously, breathlessly, but I think I knew what happened. But was not going to mention anything, so, instead I brushed my thumb over his cheek.

“We’ll say it was a technique to hold my hand, right?” His cheeks flushed red, his warm hand clenched mine a moment, the prettiest laugh escaped his lips as he looked down shyly. “Well, I’m definitely not against it… But you might need both your hands if you want to take care of me,” He let go of my hand and leaned back once more, his eyes still looked distant as if he was trying to force himself to not look at the wound. To help him, I talked as I removed it, “Do you like fireworks? There will be some in the village nearby, and while you probably can’t go there yet, I know a spot where we can see them,” There was no need to mention that the spot was on the rooftop of the mansion.

At least not yet.

“Fireworks are great! I remember, I would bring my brother to our small village’s festival. It wasn’t grand at all, but we had a lot of fun. He used to be scared of fireworks, he’s not anymore.” He winced a few times as I cleaned the wound, but I listened intently. Looking up, I asked, “Were you?” he lifted himself from his elbows to help me wrap the bandages and quirked a brow in a question-like manner. “Were you afraid of fireworks?” “Oh, not at all! I always liked them, I always loved how everyone would agree on it being the most beautiful thing during the festival. It would always bring everyone together- and it’s also, like a painting in the sky,” His gaze set on mine, a serene smile on his lips.

“It’s also a great moment to spend with someone you care about, wouldn’t you agree?” Keep your composure, do not look away. “I agree, it is in three days. Will you be available?” Extending a hand to help him up, he took it. I was glad he did not pull me down to him, only accepted the help. Once standing, he gave me a curt nod. “I will be. Even if I had some plans, I would make time for you,” He made a gesture as if he was whispering a secret, leaning forward, “Being bed-ridden gives you a lot of free time, but let’s not mention that,” I laughed at his antics, realizing we were still holding hands. In my head it was quite simple, if I did not mention it, he would not let go. So that’s what I did.

“It has benefits indeed, not all bad…” He must have seen my eyes dart to our hands, even for just a second, I thought so when he squeezed his hand and his smile broadened. Not moving from our spot, I changed topic, “You mentioned Shinobu visited this morning, I believe we did venture off topic, but is she back? I have not seen her,”

Just as I asked, a gentle voice was heard next to us. I should have let go of Rengoku’s hand, but instead I simply hid our hands behind my back as we faced the face in question, “I have returned for a while, yes. I trust Aoi has been doing good work?” Shinobu’s eyes darted to the Fire Pillar’s stomach then back at us, “Would you like me to take care of your wound while I am at the mansion?” She asked in her beautiful voice, her expression as neutral as possible. She would always seem deadpanned if not for the smile gracing her features all throughout the day.

The golden-haired man shook his head fervently, “I am feeling great!” he added that I had been doing a great job at taking care of him and that he would only allow me to take care of him.

The woman’s face turned to me, a more sincere smile on it, “Is that so?” “Aoi and the girls are shy around Kyojuro, that is all,” I explained as composed as I could. She turned to look at Rengoku, throwing me a side glance, “Kyojuro, hm? How cute, I will be checking on Sanemi, then. I am sure you will be enjoying one another’s company the best you can, yes?” Before she disappeared, the Fire Pillar made sure to make it even more obvious of what was going on when he grinned, “I will definitely be enjoying every second of it,” Then like a gust of wind, Shinobu was gone.

“She has indeed returned; I should help her out with Sanemi. He was in a foul mood when I saw him earlier,” I said, letting go of Kyojuro’s hand as I made my way to the door. His eyes darkened suddenly when I paused at the door, about to tell him something. I held my tongue. “Has something happened with his brother, again?” He asked, seriously.

I shrugged, “I never ask, I am only the person in charge of calming him when Shinobu is not around. He scares Aoi and the girls, he might be a kind person deep down, but I do not have time to spare on his immature attitude.” Perhaps it was too sincere, after all, Pillars probably all got along. At least, most of them, I knew for sure that the Fire Pillar got along with all of them some way, I never knew how he did so, however. Humming, he joined me by the door, “I will pay him a visit, if I am allowed to leave this room, that is?”

Laughing, I slid the door open, “Of course you can leave the room, I would ask of you to take the crutches in case you get tired on the way. One of the girls will be bringing you your kimono, I’ll let you get changed,” When I lifted my head after giving him a curt bow, his lips were on my cheek as he pressed a tender kiss on it before pulling away smiling. “Thank you, will I be seeing you tonight?”

The nerve. This man, how could he? Be this adorable, after kissing me. Was he not aware of how fast my heart was beating, of how I wanted to pull him closer for more? That was not proper, but I relished in the idea of being in his arms. Shaking the thought away, I kept my mouth shut until I found the proper words, that were not pure gibberish and finally opened it to say, “I will be training this afternoon- without any mission, I need to keep in shape… If you’d like to do the same as yesterday, you are very welcome,”

He nodded. “Gladly! I will be visiting Sanemi promptly, I’ll make sure to be at your training on time,” We both stood by the door, unmoving, looking at each other. It was longer than socially appropriate, but I felt the need to do something, anything, I did not wish to leave him yet. Leaning in quickly, I pecked his cheek before hurrying off, “I will see you then, take care,” My hand held the hem of my attire, I did not want to look back and see his expression. Would it be shock? Satisfaction? Happiness? Perhaps was he flustered? I told myself to not look back, but my self-restraint was not what it used to be.

Just one glance, I thought as I looked over my shoulder. The sight that greeted me was more than enough to reassure me, he was covering his mouth in an excited-way, his cheeks reddening. This was good, this was worth it- Still not having looked away from the Fire Pillar, I bumped into someone and apologized just as fast. “Kanata? Is there a problem with Master Ubuyashiki?” I asked as I stabilized the child with both of my hands on her shoulders, she showed me the letter destined to Rengoku.

“I see. At the end of the corridor. Is it urgent? Shall I gather-“ Cutting me off, she shook her head, “A personal exchange between the Fire Pillar and the Master, I will be leaving now,” With a curt nod, she quickly left. I watched her go, dazed by the interaction. But I did not let it linger on my mind any longer, bumping into her helped me straighten my ideas. I still had things to do for the rest of the day and could not let the beautiful man make me lose focus.

Among other things, I had to make sure the Wind Pillar’s report was adequately done. I trusted Shinobu to write hers with care, but everyone knew Sanemi did not have the soul of a writer, nor the patience of one either. Once this was done, I was going to check on the other wounded, but Shinobu was already one it. She was, after all, in charge of all this. She had taught me some things but was more versed in that field than I was, yet she allowed me to stay by her side today as she did her round.

We did not exchange much, being focused on taking care of everyone. I stopped following her once we reached the three new recruits’ room, a lot was happening there, they were all very awake. “Aoi will be taking care of them, they need to learn how to breathe properly. I will make sure everything goes smoothly, you can leave,” She nodded curtly my way, dismissing me, but I stood there. “I need to exchange a few words with them, after that I will make sure to leave them alone to that they can focus on their training,”

She agreed, bowing me farewell as she made her way out. I did not bother to knock considering how loud the boys were being, the odds of them hearing me were very low. “I see you are both very energetic, you will be able to see Rengoku later in the afternoon. He has to have a talk with the Wind Pillar first, but I’m sure he’ll be very happy to see the three of you,” Looking at Tanjirou, I smiled knowingly, “Perhaps avert from jumping on him this time. He did not mind, but he is still in a bad shape, no matter the smile on his face, understood?” The young brunette nodded, blushing slightly in embarrassment.

Turning around, I faced the two others, “And you two,” They paused their shenanigans, “Tame yourself, tone the energy down a notch. I do not know where you found all that enthusiasm, but I know it’ll disappear quick enough once you’ve started your breathing training,” With a curt nod, and a mischievous smile, I left them, ignoring the slight fear in their eyes. Only one of them had determination, as if he had been challenged, and that was the boy with the birthmark.

Staying at the Butterfly Mansion too long brought boredom, I’ll admit. I could not fill my days with training, as much as I wanted. It would make my hands calloused, and I would be exhausted too fast, so I would read. Trying to learn more about the demons, reading reports from the Pillars before they were sent. Yes, it was not made to do so, but I was curious. And it kept me busy, I also made sure to put them back in place every time. They never saw any difference.

One time I got caught, but the Mist Pillar did not care. He stood by the door, then left without a word. It made me refrain from doing so for a few days, then I began again.

Sometimes I would help taking care of the big mansion, but the girls were not the fondest of the way I did things and tried to keep me busy too. Fortunately, most of the time I was away, but when I wasn’t, it was for a longer period than I liked and staying put was a drag.

I managed to stay busy and did not see time pass. The afternoon arrived quickly, and once I got changed, I knocked on the wooden beam next to the shoji door. I waited until I heard his voice telling me to come inside, his kimono was half-way opened, the sash keeping it closed on the lower half. While my first thought was that he looked the most beautiful like this, I also calmed myself down for he was exposing his entire upper half quite a lot. It’s not that I had never seen it, but the mood between the person taking care of the wound and the wounded, was not present.

Instead, it was just two people, alone in a room, which brought a different kind of intimacy than the one from a caretaker. Looking aside subtly I spoke up, “Are you aware this is not the proper way to wear a kimono?” I asked jokingly as I made my way to the veranda, walking past him. The steps of the Pillar echoed behind me as he joined my side. “That is true, but it is so warm today,” He pulled out a fan from the inside of his attire, making me confused for a moment but I did not ask.

“You should have taken it in consideration before asking to wear it, then. Should Kiyo bring you your jinbei? I am sure it is clean by now.” He shook his head fervently then gestured at himself, grinning, “I am handling it properly,” I ogled, he brought the attention to his chest, what else could I do but enjoy the sight? And enjoy the sight, I did. So much he caught me after I stared a bit too long, “Is it distracting you?” He asked with a grin, returning to fanning his face. Turning my face away, I chuckled, “Absolutely not,” It was bolder than usual to ask me such a question, which made me wonder…

Throwing him a glance, I could see his cheeks were slightly redder than usual. While it could be put on the account of the heat, I couldn’t help but ask, “Kyojuro, have you drank?” I had my answer when he laughed loudly, turning it into something shyer when he stopped. “You have a keen eye. I am not drunk yet, but I drank some sake with Sanemi, it had been a while since I had done this,” He hummed, content. His eyes were focused on the horizon as he pondered, nostalgia filling his gaze. My heart seemed to like seeing him happy, I could feel it beat faster.

Clearing my thoughts, I stood up, sword in hand, “You should be careful, the sun makes the alcohol take effect a lot faster. You should drink some water, Kyojuro,” Chuckling, the man stood up and made his way towards me, smiling ever so reassuringly. “You are worried, it is very cute,” My cheeks flared up, but I didn’t say anything as he continued, “But I am not nearly as drunk as to make any mistake, I would say I am tipsy at best,” His eyes trailed on my face a moment, meeting my curious ones for a moment before looking down. He turned back, laughing to himself before clearing his throat, “Let’s begin, shall we? Perhaps would you like to work on hiding your presence?”

Right, training. Straightening my back, I focused on holding my sword properly and took a few deep breaths to calm down. How can I calm down? Had his eyes lingered on my lips? I must have imagined it… No amount of forcing could make me leave my head, I am sure he did, what would I have done if he had kissed me? Kissed him back. But it is not good to so when such a big fight is coming… I quickly got past the denial stage, and started bargaining, we can’t allow ourselves to be distracted but having someone around helps you stay grounded, does it not?

“Are you alright? I promise I am fine, if that is a big concern-“ “It’s alright, it’s alright,” I huffed a laugh as I gave a curt nod to the Pillar, tightening my grip on my sword I set myself in position. “I simply got lost in thoughts,” I said lightly, resting my posture a moment as I quirked a brow towards the golden-haired man. “Can I ask you a question?” he nodded enthusiastically, sitting back down as he fanned his face. His hair was pushed back by the gust of wind the fan made, but that was not what caught my attention.

What caught my attention was the way he was sitting. A hand behind his back as he leaned on it, his legs spread slightly, half-way through sitting tailor style. It had no reason to look this good, this sinful, and yet I couldn’t look away. But I did, focusing back on his beautiful eyes, “Am I that bad at hiding my presence? I have always thought I was doing good, now I am thinking back on a lot of things… I have never encountered any issues during missions either,” I trailed off, thinking of all the times I tried to be discrete around the Pillars, watching some train, perhaps one more than the others.

He had indeed told me he had seen me lurk around, but perhaps it was only a few times. Lifting his chin as he looked up, thinking, he hummed, “Well…” A few moments passed, then he looked back at me, eyes wide, just like his smile. “I would like to think I have always caught you watching me, even when you’re on the roof, your feet dangling off the edge. That’s also because your shadow is casted on the ground,” He said with a laugh. While he laughed, I sheathed my sword away and tried to keep my composure, “When I train at night, there is a lot less movement in the mansion, so I can sense you a lot more,” He nodded, giving it a deeper thought.

“When you hover by my door nervously too-“ “I do not hover nervously, I am not nervous. I am simply aware that you might be occupied somehow and think against disturbing you. That is all,” That was too fast, too defensive, he saw right through it. I crossed my arms over my chest, looking at him intently, he was beaming but not saying much. “Maybe you are the only who can sense me because you try to, have you considered that, Kyojuro?” I suggested.

He seemed proud that I had said so, his smile, instead of being a grin, turned into one that spread from ear to ear. Using the beam next to him for support, he stood up and walked up to me, his hands reached out for mine, uncrossing my arms. “I do. I find comfort in your presence,” his hands slid from my forearms to my hands, holding them gently. “I have gotten used to having you around, even if you do not know, and even if we do not always talk,” He pulled me closer without much force since I let him do as he pleased. I wanted him to wrap my arms around his form so he could do the same with me.

He did no such thing, no. Instead, he brought my knuckles to his lips and pressed a kiss on them, “We should still work on your breathing, shall we?” I couldn’t talk, instead I turned my hand palm up and placed it along his jaw, holding him there a moment. With the sun hitting strongly, I could feel my whole body heating up, but it was not the only reason. The warmth inside me was welcoming and kind, frightening at time with how much I wanted more, but I enjoyed it. “We should- yes. We should resume training,” I said as I stepped away from him, his hands letting go of mine.

He stood there with a knowing smile, then stepped back and proceeded to explain how he would do it. After a while, he changed his way of explaining and gestured with his hands where he could feel the energy going through and enthusiastically. “I do not feel it there, it is more in his area,” I said as I pointed at my sternum, then asking him to wait as I put my sword on the ground. He shook his head, “That is wrong, it should be,” stepping closer he pressed his fingers on each side of my ribs then trailed against it back to the sternum, “The entire thing here, does it make sense?” He brought his hand on his chin once more, furrowing his brows as he thought deeper with a hum.

While he breathed heavily through his nose, I could feel the tingles on my skin, goosebumps. But there was no time to lose on this, I did as he instructed and closed my eyes, calming down my breathing. “Alright, now you have to visualize it- it is harder to explain than I thought it would be, but it has to go,” once again, he trailed his indexes, starting at my throat then grazed down quickly to separate at the ribs and set on the side. I ignored the shivered that ran down my spine, “That is how I do it, here,”

I opened my eyes in surprise when he put my hand on his side, the area that he showed on my body. “Do you feel the difference?” “I believe I do,” he laughed breathlessly, his smile faltering. It was my time to furrow my brows when I saw that, “Perhaps you should stop for a while-“ Just when I said that, he gripped my shoulder tight, his head hanging low. He was still smiling as he looked up at me, “As much as I would like to say I’m fine, I think it is a bit too much in one go,”

Chuckling, I agreed and helped him back on the parquet of the veranda where I sat him down and handed him back his fan, “Heat, alcohol, training,” “You,” “…it does have some effect on the body- I’m sorry? You said something?” The golden-haired man had said something as I berated him half-heartedly, but I did not quite catch it. Grabbing my burning sword from the ground, I brought it where there was shade and sat next to the Pillar.

He looked at me from the side, and smiled, “I said, you,”

“I, what?” I asked, confused. “You make my heart beat so fast, I am bound to feel dizzy sooner or later,” Huffing a laugh, I looked ahead instead of his blinding smile. If I stared at him again, I did not know what I would do. Would I have the audacity to reach for his hand? Or his cheek, perhaps… No, I wouldn’t. “I am willing to bet is it mainly due to the gaping wound in your stomach and the stifling heat, that is bound to have some effect on the body,”

His laugh would have been louder if he was not decomposing next to me, I heard a thud quickly after. Looking at him in panic, he was laying on the ground with a lazy smile, his entire body stretched out. “I am usually a lot better at handling heat, this is a first,” He chuckled.

Seeing Naho from the corner of my eyes, I gestured for her to approach when I noticed the tray with water and a cloth. She set it on the ground before hurrying off, I barely had time to thank her.

“Let it be the first and only time, yes? I do believe we are done with training for today, nothing much can be done in this heat,” I said as I placed the wet cloth on the man’s forehead. A long sigh of satisfaction left his lips when he opened his eyes and looked at me. I sat, kneeling by his side, changing the cloth every few minutes to get him to liven up. With his eyes locked on me, watching each of my movements, I was very aware the latter. I made sure to not overdo anything, nor to look at him. In this very position, I could easily lean in and- and nothing, get him to cool down and go, I reprimanded myself.

Stopping me by grabbing my arm gently, Rengoku spoke up, “If nothing much can be done in this heat, that means you are available for the rest of the day, correct?”

I nodded, quirking a brow as to ask what he meant. “Well,” He grunted as he went to sit up, I was quick to help him do so, feeling his muscles under my hands but not reacting. “Would you comb my hair? I do not know how to say this, but…” He trailed off, a short huff escaping his nose. Seeing how he seemed to grow timid, I voiced my agreement, adding, “I had indeed planned on doing so earlier today,” Standing up, I made my way to the cabinet, “Since you are so beautiful- your hair is, your hair it’s a beautiful color, it’s going to be fun to comb it,” I hummed unsure, hoping I had covered up my mishap. It was badly done for sure, since I was more eager to run my fingers through his hair than anything.

When I returned to the Pillar, he had made his way back inside where the air more bearable and was now sitting on his futon. I did not remark he had not put it away upon his awakening in the morning, but instead stood in front of him as I ask, “Are you certain you are feeling good? Only minutes ago, you were ready to pass out,” While I said it in a lighter tone, worry still weighed on me when I looked at his half-lidded eyes. Still, I knelt behind him and had to take a moment at the sight of his bare back. It took all the self-restraint in my body to not throw his hair over his shoulder and let my hands travel over his back muscles. Yet, I managed to hold back.

Part of me felt ashamed to need that much restraint when it came down to this man, but there was nothing I could do about it. “I will be honest with you; I might fall asleep. It seems I have overdone it today,” He chuckled, scooting back so that his lower back was against my knees. Laughing with him, I said he was right but that he wasn’t the only one at fault, “I should not have asked for your help, I knew you were in no shape to do so,” I then started combing his hair, encountering a lot of knots but Kyojuro did not seem in pain as I undid them, so I continued while talking.

He tried to look at me, leaning his head back but I pushed it back to straighten it, he laughed, “Do not feel guilty, I am sure we have made some progress. And I did get to see you flustered again, there is nothing to regret from that,” He said with conviction. It made me pause in my action, which gave him a chance to turn around and look at me from over his shoulder, “Yes, just like that, beautiful,” He grinned before turning around once again, letting me resume what I was doing.

A comfortable silence set between us, we could hear the water from the pond outside along the people talking in the corridors when they’d walk by the room before quickly echoing away. The heat was not going down, but the room temperature was good enough for us to get through it. I had a harder time with the warmth coming from the man in front of me, but I was not going to complain. I found comfort in him being this close to me, so much I had this growing fear inside me, this fear of losing him. After all, was I not getting him back to health so that he could fight some more? He was one of the strongest and was going to be fighting equally strong demons when it came down to it.

I hated it, there was nothing to do about it, for I was also going to be fighting but it was still a nagging fear that had made its way inside my mind. “I deeply respect you, Kyojuro, I trust you do what you believe is right and praise you for it… but sometimes being selfish is not bad, I know you are no such person but… consider it if you ever found yourself in a situation that gives you the choice,” I said softly as I run my hand through his hair to check if there were any other kinks in it. When I did not receive an answer from the exhausted man in front of me, I guessed he had fallen asleep.

Huffing to myself, I started threading my fingers through his hair once more, this time braiding it, “Perhaps it is for the best, it was out of place to say that much…” I mumbled to myself, not adding anything more as I finished braiding his hair. When it was done, I placed it over his shoulder and hesitated a moment.. Looking around the room, I made sure no one was looking and placed a kiss at the intersection of his neck and shoulder before standing up quickly, stumbling slightly from how long I had been sitting. I was amazed at how he could still be sitting when he was clearly asleep but still proceeded to lay him down before leaving silently.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, I helped with making dinner. A lot more had to be made considering whom had joined earlier today, but also because the three recruits had the appetite of ogres. It seemed the training they were undergoing made them spend all their energy a lot faster and at the end of the day they were starved. While they all waited for the food, I had led the recruits to the Fire Pillar’s room as promised and left them all together, knowing Tanjirou would be a lot more cautious and take care of his friends if they were to go awry.

Doing something other than taking care of the Pillar was very welcome, it kept my mind off thinking of him which I now realized was a lot more recurrent than it used to be. I had always liked Rengoku, but clearly, spending more time with him reinforced that feeling a lot. I would still try to get myself to not consider getting together with him, but then my brain would remind me that he had set himself on the path of courting me and warmth would spread in my chest. My name was called as I was putting away the dishes, bringing back to the present.

“Tanjirou? Are you not with the others? I trusted you to take care of their… rambunctious attitude, is there a problem?” The boy shook his head and furrowed his brows a moment, before tentatively saying, “I thought… Big brother has been talking about you for a while now, I thought you had gone away on a mission and he was missing you but…” Hearing him say so brought heat up my cheeks, I heard the girls chuckle in the kitchen and turned around to shush them. It was hard to keep myself from smiling but I kept my composure, “Well, you can tell him I will return soon,” I held back from saying that I will spend the night with him again.

Another fit of giggles behind me brought back the heat to my cheeks, but also to the young man’s, in front of me. He gave me a curt nod before hurrying off, embarrassed. When he was gone, I resumed my activities without saying anything, but I could hear the comments from the people in the kitchen. “Are you aware I can hear you?” I asked, half-joking half-annoyed. Their giggles stopped, ushering their words into a silence as they went back to their tasks.

I knew the rumors would spread fast, but if Kyojuro was being this obvious in whatever he was doing, they were bound to grow even more. I made a mental note to mention it to him as I walked to his room, thinking I would be hearing some ruckus and found myself surprised when it was completely silent. Should I go in? Perhaps he has fallen asleep again, along with the three boys? They needed to rest, I should peek and make sure- “The nervous hovering!” The door was slid wide open as the joyous man stood in front of me, his hair still how I had left them.

It suited him. It suited him so well, even more so with his kimono properly draped over his shoulders. A weird feeling wormed its way in my chest when I looked at how gorgeous he looked like this, “I was not hovering, I thought you were asleep,” Looking over his shoulder, I noticed he was alone, “Have the recruits left already?” “Yes! When young Tanjirou told me you were coming back, I made them leave, the evening is ours after all,” He smiled gently.

I knew he did not mean it in the way I heard it in my head, the one that involved more proximity, so I banished the thought and hummed. Two little forms slid inside the room and placed the food trays on the ground before hurrying off, I managed to catch a glimpse of their grinning face as Kiyo and Sumi disappeared. “Come on,” Taking my hand in his, he led me inside, I noticed my futon was already spread out and a lot closer too. I did not know if it was on purpose or accidental, but whichever it was, I was not going to say anything.

“You know, Kyojuro. I was not entirely sure everyone in the mansion knew I had spent the night here, but with how open you are to talking about it, I’m sure even the young Master knows, now,” Was I complaining? Or was I embarrassed by how he had no filter when talking about this? At this point, I was sure he had talked about it in length with the recruits who had nothing to do with any of this nor found interest in the topic.

Nodding, Rengoku swallowed and said, “Master Ubuyashiki knows, I have been exchanging letters with him,” I felt my throat tighten, that was what I feared. I never knew what the rule regarding relationships between demon slayers was, it was one of the main things holding me back from taking a step further. At least that is what I kept telling myself. Clearing my throat, I ate some more and inquired, “What? I am not sure it is allowed. No, actually, I do not know anything about what is accepted in the corps, regarding that…”

With his eyes wide, Rengoku stared right at me, “It? That? Would you mind being clearer?” His tone was innocent, but he was smiling proudly, as if he had caught me. Straightening my back, I played the serious card, “Well, you are courting me, are you not?” He laughed, nodding, “Correct. And you are doing the same with me, in your own way, is that right?” I was, indeed. Less with words, more with actions, but I was. I was relieved he noticed and that he did not think he was doing it for nothing. But I did not reply.

Feeling his hand on my ankle, I was startled and let out a sound of surprise, making him chuckle as he said, “Would you mind answering me?” “I am. Yes, I am courting you, because you are very,” Many words crossed my mind, beautiful, kind, stunning, funny, warm, welcoming. But only one left my mouth, “nice. You are nice, yes.”

He had to cover his mouth when laughing this time, his eyes closing as he did so. At this very moment, I thought, if I could, I would have painted this very moment and kept in my room the beautiful sight he had given me when laughing so brightly. It was something I’d never forgot. I looked down at my food, his cute laugh engraved in my head. “Well, Master Ubuyashiki informed me he had nothing to say, as long as we both put our duty before anything else. Which, I am sure you can do, if… it came down to it, someday,” “Of course, if it ever, yes…” We both looked up, our eyes meeting an instant before looking back at our food. A smile grazed my lips, I could feel it.

Without much more to say on the topic, the conversation drifted off to family and things we loved to do when we were younger, it flowed smoothly. It was also relaxing, even more so with the cool breeze of the night that entered the room. When we were done, and everything was tidied up we slid in our respective futon, lulled to sleep by the lighter temperature and the cricket conversations outside. In the depth of the night, lit up by a clear sky, as the door leading to the garden was still open, Kyojuro said my name softly.

“Yes?” I replied, my voice barely a whisper as I turned around on my futon to look at him. He was already facing me, his eyes wide open, not an ounce of sleep painted on his features. In an ushered tone, he asked, “Would you please sing for me?” There is a lot going on in my mind, was the subtext when he worded his question.

I reached out for his hand and held it gently, “Well, would that help you sleep?” I whispered, chuckling tiredly. “I think so,” He said it as if confiding in me, huffing a short laugh. Even with the little light that illuminated the room, I could see how his eyes flickered almost sadly before setting on our intertwined hands.

Not commenting on it, I started humming tiredly. I did not know how long it took for us to fall asleep, but I remembered him mumbling something before passing out. What had he said, I do not know, but I did felt serene as I dozed off.

[Part 3]

#kny rengoku #rengoku kyoujurou #rengoku x reader #kny #demon slayer #kny x reader #ao3 physicalturian #physicalturian #ao3 writer #writing #writers #fanfic #fanfiction #masterlist #gentle summer

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aerltarg · 2 years

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1, 3, 7, 14, 19 + asoiaf 👀 (go off queen 🔥)

1. What OTPs in your fandom do you just not get?

oh boi where to begin 😭

ok i really don't understand what's up w shipping your absolute fave w someone you don't like or straight up hate. bonus points if canonically these characters are not just indifferent to each other but hate the type like the other / is very dismissive towards the other. so you can't even get the love/hate spice from there lmfao, it's literally so bland and sad 😭 also the amount of twisting both characters need to endure to make this at least seem to work out!! what's the point even if in the end of such “ship” you get basically ocs w the names of canon characters?

and what's the point in such “shipping” if you only use the other one (literally the half of said pairing) to prop up your fave? does it really bring ppl joy to turn the whole fucking well-written character into someone else's accessory? relationship goals?? especially in cases when you just know they just have an agenda and want to hide another case of mischaracterizing of certain character.

literally who these ppl are lying to 😭 the funniest shit is that i can get the aggressive hetero shippers more than the ones who hide behind their faux activism shield. the first ones are at least not as hypocritical lmao

there also are some personal pet peeves of mine like smth from the kind of torturer x victim. tho funnily enough enjoyers of such problematic stuff more oft than not are actually very aware of this and are very chill. so while i don't ship this myself i am very cool w their shippers and don't feel any need to wage a holy war on them or smth lol. the same can't be said abt the certain crackshippers who feel the need to drag through dirt any possible “rival” to their *cough*very crack and very straight*cough* otp to “prove” the ~canonicity~ of the said ship. so in the end of the day i think the attitude of real ppl towards other real ppl matter more. i might not ship many things in this fandom and not get maybe as many but i am honestly so okay w them until they are self-aware and stay in their lane.

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

in the fandom like this one? jfc of course 😭💀 it was mostly in the beginning though, now i know better and just don't hit follow button until i'm really, like 100% sure it's worth it lol. this fandom is the best in giving the trust issues i'm afraid

7. Is there anything you used to like but can't stand now?

i used to be a total stark stan and then a martell stan lmao 💀 yes, i confess my sins. back in these dark days when i was young and delusional i enjoyed stark/martell supremacy iirc. what i think of this now? embarrassing 😭 i mean i still have enough warm feelings for canon starks and martells, i've just become extremely allergic to the ~northern independence~ and ~revenge power fantasies~ and all this stuff. bless their unhinged fanbases for scaring me off so fast w their anti dany sentiments (whom i've always dearly loved) and f&b for turning me into complete targ stan lol

14. Unpopular opinion about your fandom?

the distinction between two sides is truly hilarious. there are many different subfandoms ofc but generally it boils down to having certain opinions abt certain characters, the main ones and the ones fandom made more relevant than they canonically are. and these opinions are really so, SO opposite that's it's just killing me 😭 how can two ppl look at the same page and see two completely opposite things? when one person is like 97% right and the other is SO TOTALLY WRONG ZERO READING COMPREHENSION DETECTED LMFAO

imho, meta culture has done unrepairable damage there. you realize this when you see some random ppl using quotes from mf fanfiction as canon proof in a discussion abt canon having NO IDEA it's literally non-existent in the books. yeah, bc they had read somewhere on quora or reddit or tumblr some “analysis” and never once fact checked. you also realize this when you see some total, like absolutely ridiculous crack posted as serious (or in some really lost causes “almost canon”) “theory” and taken as such by other ppl simply bc it looked like a serious essay. ppl buy into this confident tone and quotes in between (but still don't check these quotes even if they don't remember them in canon since they're so blissfully naive abt the certain parts of the fandom that absolutely and shamelessly can change canon quotes just to spread their agenda lol), ppl see bnfs blogs getting asks abt even tiniest details and these bnfs answering oh so confident as if they were grrm himself abt smth that can't even be taken as analysis simply bc of the lack of canon material on the issue. they step on the territory of pure fanon and headcanons but never change the tone and some ppl take this bullshit for granted without blinking.

so yeah my unpopular opinion. for such serious, interesting and complex book series, asoiaf fandom is fucking dumb and deranged and, unfortunately, many really smart ppl have left leaving us w this lot that refuses to use their own brains and that prefers to read some biased “metas” online than actual books and the hypocrites who boost their egos in this dead fandom, freaking out every time anyone tries to challenge them.

special cry out for those who still make this fandom bearable aka content creators whose gifs, edits, arts, metas (i mean real honest metas, not whatever bullshit clown colleges are eager to reblog lmao). despite being paid dust from local pretentious bitches, who forget who is the real customer there all the time, you are still w us and thank you so much for keeping this fandom alive!!! once you leave we will have only satansas' hallucinations posed as smth canon related and unfunny lame jokes 😭

19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

hypocrisy and double standards. they're literally everywhere lmfao, can't even count. also some really weird shit like harassing real life pocs over headcanons abt fanon pocs lolol, but that's a whole another conversation lmao. but most of all i hate the lack of basic human decency. some ppl there can doxx, gaslight, lie, go running like cockroaches caught in 4k doing this all but never once apologize to the ppl they harassed and lied abt and still be cool for some fandom places while others will be automatically cancelled for shipping the wrong ship or stanning the wrong character. bc apparently for asoiaf fandom opinions on fiction matter more than the treatment of very fucking real human beings 🤡 how glad am i for seeing which ppl have their priorities straight istg

play with me in the salty ask game!

#thank YOU queen!!!🔥👑#asoiaf #mypost #aerea-targaryen #.txt #ask game #*answered #asks #fandom wank #lol feels good to get off my chest gsyshxuwsh

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franniebanana · 3 years

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CQL Rewatch - Ep 21

Note: I will be critical of Jiang Cheng in these posts. If you can’t handle that, please feel free to scroll on.

I really like this hug. I mean, if you've been reading these from the beginning, you know how much I love wangxian, but I'm really glad that Wei Ying's first actual hug after returning from the Burial Mounds is with Jiang Yanli. I'm not counting the hug with Jiang Cheng, because Wei Ying didn't hug him back. That hug was thrust upon him and he did not reciprocate. This reunion is very sweet, and tear-filled, and if I hadn't been up since 3 am, I might be feeling enough to shed a tear, myself. That being said, it's hilarious how they keep showing Jiang Cheng in the middle, looking awkward as he tries to balance joy and sadness. I get what the director had in mind, but it just looks weird lol.

But this part is also super sad, because Wei Ying again makes a promise he can't keep: that the three of them will be together forever. Now, I realize that if you hadn't read the novel or weren't familiar with the story, you should already know from the first two episodes that things do not turn out well for the three of them. However, if you're like me and have the memory of a goldfish, you probably didn't realize who everyone was in the first two episodes and even if you did, you've already forgotten long ago that Jiang Cheng was pissy and angry around Wei Wuxian and that Wei Wuxian's inner monologue reveals to us that JIang Yanli is dead. All that being said, his line about staying together forever hits a lot differently when you're very aware of how the story turns out, because Jiang Yanli dies, Jiang Cheng grows to hate Wei Wuxian more and more every day, and Wei Wuxian, of course, defects to save the Wens from slaughter. I think "let's stay together forever" is something you say and mean, but something that you know can't ever truly be. I think Jiang Yanli is old and wise enough to know that she will eventually marry and leave Lotus Pier, even though she will resist it for a while. The rest is uncertain, but I think at this point, Wei Wuxian really does believe and want to stay with the Yunmeng siblings and to stay at Jiang Cheng's side as he leads the Yunmeng Jiang Sect.

I will never not be heartbroken by this scene--even knowing how everything turns out--by how Lan Wangji looks at Wei Wuxian, how if things had been different in Yiling, he would have gone into that room and greeted him, how Wei Wuxian would have smiled at him and beckoned him inside, how they would have sat and Wei Wuxian would have talked Lan Wangji's ear off, like old friends. It's just so upsetting to me, and I can't ever shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know what happens, but these two episodes, until they reconcile, really get to me. It's a horrible feeling when you want to help someone, but they don't see it as helping, and they only get upset with you. I deal with that on an almost daily basis, and I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. I really identify with Lan Wangji here, and I think that's why I get such a visceral reaction to seeing him like this.

I don't know if I've said this, but Lan Wangji is my favorite character in CQL and in every adaptation of this story. He is kind of my perfect character--he checks off all the boxes: one-sided love, pining, standing by the main character no matter what, practically abandoning his own family for the person he loves. I love that he has an almost child-like innocence, but he's still very wise; he's smart; he's strong; he has a strict moral code and he sticks to it without fail, even if it means going against his friends and family; he's a loner, but he loves deeply. When I first started watching the donghua and reading the novel, I liked Wei Wuxian the best, and he's still my second favorite character, but Lan Wangji has stolen my heart.

Of course, Wei Wuxian goes to this awkward dinner party, after spending three months around ghosts (and then killing a shit-ton of Wen soldiers), and all he can think about is that empty seat behind him, the one where Lan Wangji should be sitting. It's interesting how the Yunmeng siblings each react: Jiang Yanli starts to become concerned and commits it to memory. She's probably wondering why Lan Wangji isn't there, and then seeing how Wei Wuxian wistfully stares at the empty seat, she finds it even more unsettling. Jiang Cheng just seems embarrassed by Wei Wuxian here and his motivation is to get Wei Wuxian back on track so he doesn't make fools of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect in front of the other leaders. He obviously knows what happened between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, and I don't think he's bothered by it at all. He doesn't seem to care whether they're friends or not, and I'd say that even at this point, he'd prefer if Lan Wangji stayed out of Wei Wuxian's life altogether. He knows how close they were, and I think he also knows that Wei Wuxian would choose Lan Wangji over him if given that ultimatum. With Lan Wangji out of the picture, Jiang Cheng gets to maintain more control over Wei Wuxian than he otherwise would. Even later on at Lotus Pier, he wants Wei Wuxian around, helping him, being his right-hand man. He doesn't want him wandering around the city or galavanting off with other cultivators. Granted Wei Wuxian was drinking at the time, but I don't think that invalidates my point that Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to stay in line and stay at his side where he can control him. You know, because he sees the relationship (as Wei Wuxian suggested) as the same as their two fathers: where Wei Wuxian is in a subservient role to Jiang Cheng. Mind you, that's different from seeing him as a brother, and I think, while there's some of that mixed into his other feelings, it's a very small portion.

No screenshot, but the following scene, after Wei Wuxian leaves the dinner party, Jiang Cheng follows him out. And even here, he asks what's wrong--asks if he's upset because of Lan Wangji--but then scoffs at how that could really be what's bothering him. He says something like, "Why did you come here just to be disliked by him?" I think while he gets that they have a close bond, he doesn't really understand the depth of the relationship. He's jealous of Lan Wangji, but doesn't fully understand why. Ultimately, I think Jiang Cheng, because of his parents and the way he was raised, really doesn't understand what it's like to have a good relationship with anyone. And this ignorance isn't his fault--he's a product of his parents and surroundings, and no one, including himself, has ever tried to fix this. So, without being able to really understand how relationships work, he scoffs at how Wei Wuxian could still be upset over what happened with Lan Wangji. Jiang Cheng essentially gave Wei Wuxian what he wanted in that moment, which was unconditional support to carry out his revenge, and yet Wei Wuxian is hung up on Lan Wangji not being supportive there, and in fact being in opposition to him. Jiang Cheng doesn't even really have friends, so he thinks Wei Wuxian should just get over Lan Wangji and move on with his life, but it's not that simple. Lan Wangji isn't just an acquaintance, he's not just someone that Wei Wuxian partnered up with to fight a battle or carry out a mission--he's a soulmate, a kindred spirit (if you want to go down a less romantic route).

I rarely can say anything bad about Jiang Yanli (except how she's almost always making soup), and here's another example: Chenqing. She's so far the only one who supports Wei Wuxian having a first class spiritual tool. She immediately shows interest in the flute, even encourages him to give it a name. Lan Wangji immediately sees the flute as something bad, while she's completely supportive. And this is really what Wei Wuxian needs right now, and I love her for being there. She's also about the only person he will genuinely smile around. He gives everyone else forced or fake smiles, but not Yanli. At this moment, I think he only wants to be with her, and I can't really blame him when everyone else is either opposing him or just wanting something out of him. She really is coming from a place of sympathy and comfort that's different from how the others are handling things. Lan Wangji wants to help, yes, but he tries to force it.

Imagine being in this room, listening to Jin Zixun (I'm not even sure if that's his name lol) trash talk Wei Wuxian, wanting to say something in his defense, but being unable to, not just because it's not your place to do so, but also because you're not even sure if you can defend him anymore. I think Jiang Cheng is struggling with the same. He stands up to Jin Zixun, finally getting him to shut up by saying that it's a domestic affair for the Jiang Clan and none of his fucking business, but Jiang Cheng also struggles to find excuses for Wei Wuxian. And that would certainly be difficult, because Wei Wuxian is somewhat like a stranger now. He's similar, but he's not the same Wei Wuxian that Jiang Cheng grew up with. He's really a shadow of his former self. But Lan Wangji has the added bonus of not being able to speak on his behalf because he's not even in the same clan--who is he to defend Wei Wuxian? He can't even stand with the others at the table (can't or won't, I'm not sure), so he certainly can't speak to Wei Wuxian's honor in front of all the other leaders. I'm sure the conversation back in Yiling is still running through his mind: this is a Jiang Clan affair--and to have that repeated again to someone else. That very much puts Lan Wangji in the "other" position. He's not in Wei Wuxian's clan, therefore, it's none of his business. He should care about him. He shouldn't try to protect him. He shouldn't try to guide him. But the problem is he still cares deeply about Wei Wuxian, and he wants to help him and protect him and guide him.

These scenes are always hard to watch for me (thank god for the special edition cut). It's really hard to watch the clans doing to the Wens what the Wens have done to the other clans. As if war wasn't already terrible enough, you also have what happens to the prisoners of war. In this case, Wen Qing's sect are all healers and have little to do with the war that the rest of the Wen Clan was waging on the other cultivation clans. However, they are still treated as enemies and imprisoned. It's difficult to watch the other clans, who you want to root for, making the same mistakes and transgressions as the Wens, who we are supposed to look at as the proper enemies in the story.

As we've seen a few times in this episode already, Wei Wuxian is having trouble controlling all the negative energy that's surging through him and the Yin iron, and on some of those occasions, he's touched his old wound. As he does this here, everyone looks at him, but he just looks at Lan Wangji. This is the person he cares most about in this room, the person whose heart his closest to his. I have nothing profound to say--I just like it.

And of course Lan Wangji looks right back at him. He knows Wei Wuxian best, even better than his own "brother", Jiang Cheng. He knows what happened in Xuanwu Cave, he saw the effect the sword had on him. I feel like each time they exchange glances, they are both crying out to each other, but Wei Wuxian is too stubborn to ask for help and Lan Wangji doesn't want to force the issue and strain their relationship further.

The way Lan Wangji hesitates here before saying, "I don't know," kills me. To him, it's just further proof of how Wei Wuxian is getting farther and farther from him, how the chasm between them just keeps growing. He's upset here. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to force Wei Wuxian to do anything--that's against his clan rules, but more importantly, against his own ethics--yet he doesn't want to stand by and do nothing while his friend destroys himself. I think we see Lan Wangji as a character who always knows what to do, someone who always knows the right path, but here we see how that's not true at all. This is a man who is very smart, very clever, but who is also unsure of himself. He's struggling with what's right and wrong. And he consults his brother here, hoping to get a clear answer, so that he'll know what to do next, but he gets nothing of the sort.

It would have been easier for Lan Wangji if his brother has simply said, "Wei Wuxian is wrong and an enemy," but of course he's more wise than that. Nothing is black and whit, and humans cannot be judged for what's on the surface. You have to look deep inside a person, know their intentions, and then you can judge if they are doing what's right or wrong. The problem is Lan Wangji doesn't know Wei Wuxian's intentions. Months ago, he know Wei Wuxian wanted to defend the weak, protect people who couldn't protect themselves, and live by such a just moral code. But now Wei Wuxian seems like a stranger, has murdered many, many people, and has taken cruel revenge upon Wen Chao and Wang Lingjao.

What I've noticed in this episode is that Wei Wuxian will look at Lan Wangji, but he always averts his eyes fairly quickly. It's as if he's afraid if they make eye contact for too long, he'll be letting Lan Wangji in, which he does not want to do under any circumstances. Letting Lan Wangji in means admitting what's going on as well as opening up Lan Wangji to danger. Wei Wuxian does not want anyone else getting hurt or dying because of him, so it's better to reject everyone and focus on his own clan.

Honey, I'd walk away too. It's hard to tell if Lan Wangji is about to cry or about to punch Wei Wuxian in the mouth--either one would have been excellent, but I'm leaning towards the latter. Lan Wangji had to answer Jiang Yanli. She met him by chance, but it was she who initiated the conversation. Of course, angst rules being what they are, we had to have a misunderstanding a la Wei Wuxian walking into the conversation midway and making the asinine assumption that Lan Wangji was just breaking his confidence by telling her EVERYTHING. Of course, anyone who knows Lan Wangji knows he'd never do such a thing. But when Wei Wuxian's shijie comes to him, voicing her concern and asking about him, he has no choice but to empathize with her and tell her what he knows.

I really like this little exchange. Reliving the fight on the rooftop, before they were acquainted, before they were friends--before Lan Wangji fell for him. This time when he attacks, it's not about malice, it's not about breaking the rules and bringing liquor into the Cloud Recesses--it's a man, looking at the one he loves, scared out of his mind, worried that that man is going to destroy his mind and body, using a taboo cultivation method. This fight is a love letter, as far as I'm concerned. It's an act of desperation.

Also I fucking love that around four or five people have asked Wei Wuxian where Suibian is, and each time he makes up a lie: he forgot it, he isn't in the mood, he didn't bother to bring it. But when Lan Wangji asks him, he doesn't respond. He doesn't lie, he doesn't laugh it off--whatever he does, Lan Wangji will know that he's lying, and Wei Wuxian knows that.

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | Or just check out the #CQL Rewatch hashtag

#wangxian #wei wuxian #lan wangji #cql #the untamed #jiang cheng #jiang yanli #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #wwx #lwj #ep 21 #cql rewatch

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cobaltusami · 3 years

Text

Self conscious

Aaaahhhh this was so so SO much fun to write, Fuyuhiko Is my second favorite character from Goodbye Despair. I love this smol Yakuza boi so much. I wanted to do something sort of body positive, I'm not sure how well I did In that regard, But I love how this turned out either way. It's just so much fun to me. <3

Holy shit, It just occurred to me that this Is now my longest fic. and I wrote It In eight hours with breaks-- Dayum.

Also bonus fun points because Kuzuhina Is one of my favorite ships from the game-

Characters: Lee!Fuyuhiko, Ler!Hajime

Words: 4196 (It's a long boi)

Pairing: Kuzuhina

also mentions of MahiruXHiyoko

The sound of the ocean waves crashing against the sand, the warm sunlight enveloping his skin, the gentle cooling breeze dancing from tree to tree… It was almost relaxing enough to put Hajime to sleep.

Almost.

However, being pelted with a water balloon ruined that relaxing atmosphere.

He let out a shriek, jolting upright from his lying position on the newly soaked beach towel in the sand. His eyes darted around, offended, until they landed on the doubled over laughing perpetrator. Of course It was Ibuki.

“Bahahahaha! You should have seen your face! Ibuki thought you were going to have a heart attack!” She cackled, holding her ribs with one arm and pointing with the other.

Hajime should have known better than to relax, especially with Ibuki around. He sighed and stood up. “Yeah yeah, Very funny Ibuki…”

He felt something hard and plastic press Into his back, he quickly shot a questioning glance over his shoulder, meeting Chiaki’s gaze.

“It’s dangerous to go alone, Take this.” She whispered, He reached around and took the water gun from her. He winked and whispered his thanks, keeping the toy concealed from Ibuki’s line of sight.

“You think you’re sooooo funny, Don’t you Ibuki?” He smiled, shuffling closer to the laughing rockstar.

“Ibuki doesn’t think she’s funny, She thinks she’s hilarious!” She laughed, tears formed In the corner of her eyes. She was completely oblivious to her impending doom.

“Yeah,” He sighed, an evil grin on his face. “Well I think that this Is funny!”

The ‘this’ he was referring to, was blasting Ibuki in the face with a cold stream of water from the Water gun. She shrieked in surprise, still giggling as she brought her hands up to protect herself.

“Mayday mayday! Target has obtained a weapon! ABORT MISSION!” She went running off, With Hajime chasing after her laughing.

The other students laughed as they watched the two, joining In on the game by grabbing their own water guns.

Soon almost all of the students were enveloped In a water gun battle.

Well, Almost all.

Fuyuhiko remained in his spot In the shade under the tree, his arms crossed as he watched the others playing and having fun. Even Peko had joined In on the fight, throwing water balloons left and right like a friggin ninja.

He rolled his eyes with a fond smile watching their antics.

“Fuyu?”

He quickly stopped smiling as he looked away from the beach, looking up at a now dripping with water Hajime. “Y-Yeah?”

“Do you wanna join In? I’ll get you a water gun an--”

“No.” was his curt response. “I don’t.”

“Are you sure? You look kind of lonely over here all by yourself…” Hajime sat down In the grass next to him, pulling off his shirt and wringing it out.

Fuyuhiko glanced at him for a moment then quickly darted his eyes away, flustered. “I-I already said I don’t want to.”

“Will you at least change Into something beachy? That suit has to be uncomfortable.”

“No way!”

Hajime raised an eyebrow, questioning the urgency of his tone and the quickness of his response.

Fuyuhiko blushed, quickly thinking up a reason. “You’ll just shoot me with water if I do!”

He has a reason, but there’s no way In hell he’s going to talk about It. He’s insecure about his body.

“I promise I won’t?” the taller boy tried, thrown off by his odd behavior.

The young Yakuza shook his head. “No way.” he stood up and hurried inside the beach house, abruptly ending the conversation.

Hajime blinked in confusion. What was that about?

He wasn’t sure, But he knew someone who would be.

“Peko?” He approached the swordswoman, who was in the middle of cleaning off her glasses with a towel. “Can I ask you something?”

She looked up curiously, pausing her actions. “Sure. What Is It Hajime?”

“It’s about Fuyu.”

Her red eyes darted over to where Fuyuhiko had previously been sitting. “What’s wrong with Young master? Where did he go?”

“He went inside, He’s fine I think…” Hajime responded, putting the swordswoman at ease. “Does he have a fear of water or something?”

“Hm? Not that I am aware of. Why do you ask?”

“Because I asked him if he wanted to join us and he said no. Then he got kind of agitated when I suggested he change into some beach attire.”

She sighed softly, continuing to clean off her glasses. “Ah. I see now… Young Master Is, how should I put this… Self-conscious.”

“Self-Conscious? Of what?” He asked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“His body. He Is smaller than most boys his age.” She replied, putting her glasses back on and wrapping the towel around her shoulders. “He hates showing off his body.”

Hajime frowned as he looked back at the beach house, He wouldn’t have pushed him so much if he had known that.

“Don’t feel guilty. You had no way of knowing.” Peko said as she put a hand on his shoulder.

“I still feel bad though. I knew he felt self conscious about his height but I didn’t even think about his body.”

“Perhaps I should go check on him, If you are that concerned.”

“No! No It’s okay, I’ll go check on him. You go back to playing with the others.” Hajime interjected. This was the first time he’d really seen her let loose and have fun, He didn’t want to be the reason she stopped.

She gave a small tilt of her head. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I can handle him. Go have fun.” He smiled reassuringly at the woman, She gave one last skeptical glance before getting hit with two water balloons in the back by a wildly cackling Kazuichi and Ibuki.

She narrowed her eyes, Holding out her hand. “Hajime, I am going to need your weapon.”

Hajime chuckled at her dead serious demeanor and handed her the toy gun. “Don’t murder them.”

“I make no promises.” She replied, whipping around and pumping the water pressure slide on the gun. “Which one of you wants to die first?!”

Kazuichi and Ibuki screamed and went running with Peko chasing after them.

Hajime laughed and shook his head at them before making his way up the beach house stairs and into the building.

“Ugh,” Fuyu had lowered his book to see who came inside, but upon seeing it was Hajime he quickly brought it back up covering his face. “What the hell do you want? I already said I’m not joining you guys.”

“I know, I’m not here to ask that.” He replied softly.

He pulled out the chair across from Fuyuhiko and dragged It over to the spot at the table next to him before sitting down.

The Yakuza glanced up from his book again for a moment, a skeptical look on his face. “Then why are you…?”

“I’m here to apologize.” Hajime answered.

“Apologize?” He parroted, more confused than before.

“I didn’t mean to pressure you earlier, I just wanted to include you In on the fun.” He said. “I didn’t realize that you were self conscious about your body.”

Fuyuhiko’s face turned bright pink with embarrassment, His hazel eyes widening with surprise. “W-What?! I’m not fucking self conscious! Where the fuck would you get that idea!?”

Hajime blinked. “It’s okay to be self conscious, There’s nothing wrong with feel--”

“I am NOT self conscious! I just don’t like getting blasted with water!” Fuyuhiko shot back, crossing his arms stubbornly.

“Fuyu?”

“W-What!?”

“Take off your shirt.”

“Excuse me??”

“If you aren’t self conscious… Take off your shirt.”

Fuyuhiko kicked out his chair from the table, aggressively shrugging off his jacket and tossing it on the floor. Next he undid his tie and dropped it on top of his jacket. He did all this without breaking eye contact with Hajime.

Hajime folded his arms as he watched with a skeptical look, It was as if he was challenging him with his gaze.

The Yakuza started to unbutton his dress shirt but stopped halfway. Without his jacket to obscure his frame even a little, He already felt shy.

He crossed his arms and looked away from the brunette. “I can’t.” He mumbled under his breath.

“What?”

“I SAID I CAN’T!” He snapped, clearly flustered. “Are you fucking happy now!? Yes! CONGRATULATIONS YOU FIGURED IT OUT! I’m fucking self conscious!”

Hajime frowned and hooked his leg around Fuyu’s chair leg, Pulling him closer without any protests. “Hey, It’s okay. Everyone has something they’re self conscious about.” He reassured the embarrassed boy In front of him.

“Yeah right.” He muttered, still refusing to meet Hajime’s eyes.

“It’s true. Even I’m self conscious.”

Fuyu rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to lie.”

“I’m not.” He insisted.

“What do you have to be self conscious about? Look at you…” The tips of his ears turned pink as he blushed more.

Hajime smiled a little and reached forward, starting to button Fuyuhiko’s shirt back up for him. “I can’t make people laugh. I can’t tell a joke to save my life… I’m not funny.”

“It’s because you’re trying too hard. You’re someone who is unintentionally--” Fuyuhiko immediately clamped his mouth shut, flinching rather violently as he felt Hajime’s fingers graze his ribs accidentally.

Hajime paused what he was doing, his hands hovering over the buttons of the white dress shirt still. “What was…”

“N-Nothing!” Fuyu stuttered, pushing his hands back. “Listen… I appreciate the attempt to make me feel better but-- HEY!”

The blond yelped as he felt a few fingers poke experimentally Into his side, He reached down and grabbed his hands, holding them away from his body. “Will you fucking stop that!?”

The Yakuza didn’t appreciate the grin on Hajime’s face. “Oh, Fuyu… I might be able to make you laugh after all~” He said teasingly, trying to pull his hands free.

Fuyuhiko narrowed his eyes at the other boy, keeping his hands in a vice grip. “Don’t you fucking dare!” He hissed.

“Don’t I dare what?” Hajime asked innocently, batting his eyelashes at the smaller boy.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

“I won’t.”

“Liar!”

“Will you relax? I’m not gonna touch you. Can I have my hands back now? I’m kind of losing feeling in them.”

Fuyu watched him closely as he slowly released his hands. Hajime made a show of shaking them to regain feeling. “See? Have I touched you?”

“N-No… I guess n-nahahaha! You fucking lihihihied!” Fuyuhiko giggled boyishly, doubling over in his seat to block as many spots as possible.

Hajime grinned as he dusted his fingertips along his exposed neck, when he brought his shoulders up to try to protect the sensitive spot he darted his hands into his partially open shirt and began tickling his ribs. “I didn’t lie, I’m not touching you… I’m tickling you. There’s a big difference.” He winked at the laughing boy.

“Ihihihif you don’t stahahahap right nohohohow, I’m going to kihihihill you!” The blond laughed, writhing under his torturously gentle touch.

“Ooh I’m so scared~ Is the big bad Yakuza gonna kill me dead In my sleep?” Hajime laughed, paying special attention to a sensitive spot near the bottom of his ribs. “C’mon, How am I supposed to be scared? You’re so adorable when you’re being tickled!” he cooed.

The young Kuzuryu’s neck and ears turned red from that, He brought his leg up to try to kick Hajime away. “Stahahap! Dohohon’t fahahahacking tehehease me you jeheherk!”

Not only did he not succeed In kicking him, Hajime caught his leg and held it firmly in his lap as he administered tickles to the top and underside of his knee. “I’m afraid that’s gonna be impossible, You’re just too cute not to tease~” He hummed In reply.

Fuyuhiko squealed and desperately tried to pull his leg back, laughing much harder than before. “N-NOHOHO! AHAHAHAHAHA!”

Hajime glanced down at his hand, noticing every time his laughter spiked It was because he was scribbling against the spot above his knee. “You have ticklish thighs, Fuyu?” He asked amusedly, now honing In on that spot.

Fuyuhiko spazzed out, His body flailing at the electric sensations coursing through him. Unfortunately that meant he also threw himself out of his chair.

As soon as Hajime realized what had happened he was quick to follow, Kneeling beside the still lightly giggling boy. “F-Fuyu?! Are you okay?? I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you would fall…”

He gently pulled the blond up into a sitting position and was checking his head for any injuries when Fuyu waved him off. “I-I’m fine…” He reassured, still recovering.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh like that, It’s nice. You should laugh more often.” Hajime smiled.

“Y-Yeah yeah… whatever.”

He thought about It. Maybe that wasn’t the worst thing he’s ever been through… It was actually kind of fun to let loose. He was still super self conscious about his body but for a minute he forgot about that, only focusing on the sensations and laughing.

Then again, Maybe It's the possible concussion talking.

He blushed as he shook his head. “I’m just glad you didn’t hear my real laugh.” He mumbled. “It’s really obnoxious.”

“Your real laugh?” Hajime tilted his head, his curiosity piqued.

“Yeah, when I laugh hard enough I snort.” He calmly replied.

“Okay, I have to hear that.” He laughed, slowly raising his hands.

“Keep your fucking hands to yourself.” Fuyuhiko narrowed his eyes half-heartedly. What he wanted to say was; ‘Go for it.’ but Yakuza pride and all that.

Hajime Isn’t an idiot, he can tell Fuyuhiko likes the attention but won’t admit it. And he isn’t going to make him uncomfortable by making him admit it.

“Who’s gonna stop me? You? I’m so scared.” Hajime smirked, quickly he pulled the Yakuza into his lap and pinned him against his body. “Now, Wanna make It easier on us both and tell me your ticklish spot~?” He asked teasingly.

Fuyuhiko squirmed, seeing If escape was even physically possible. It wasn’t. “Go to hell.” He growled, blushing.

“Suit yourself.” He shrugged, undoing the rest of his shirt buttons. Using both hands he ghosted his fingertips across the exposed sides.

Fuyu immediately began giggling again, his body actually relaxing under the soft touches. It wasn’t unbearable or torturous, but gentle and pleasant instead.

Hajime smiled at the string of bright laughter moving to his ribs brought about. He massaged his fingers in small careful circles against the ticklish bones. “Come on Fuyu~ There’s only a few spots I haven’t tried… If I have to find your tickle spot myself I’m really not gonna be nice~”

“Fuhuhahahahack you!” Fuyuhiko retorted, squirming aimlessly.

“That’s not very nice.” Hajime pouted, shoving his hands under the Yakuza’s arms. His fingers drilled and wiggled unrelentingly, which drew hysterical laughter from the smaller of the two.

“NAHAHAHA! STAHAHAHAP!”

“I would, But you sort of have my hands trapped and… Well, since they are, I might as well tickle you~” He teased, obviously pleased with himself for turning the tough Yakuza into a laughing heap in his arms.

“HAHAHAHAJIME! I WIHIHIHILL STAHAHAB YOU!”

“No you won’t.” Hajime smirked.

He continued to torture the blond student for a bit longer before ‘freeing’ his hands and brushing his fingers across his quivering stomach teasingly. “How about here? Is this a bad spot, Giggles~?”

The boy let out a shriek as he quickly brought his hands down over top of Hajime’s, trying to pry them away out of instinct. “Dohohon’t!” He tittered, blushing.

“Ooh, Looks like It is!” He declared, unfazed by Fuyuhiko’s attempts to stop him. His fingers gracefully descended on his soft belly.

Fuyu shrieked again, throwing his head back with loud bright laughter. His body jolted, and was sent flying out of his lap by the intensity of his flailing.

Hajime froze, did that seriously just happen a second time? He didn’t stay frozen for long, He sat on his legs to pin him down. “There, Since you’re on the floor you shouldn’t be able to fall for a third time.” He laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Fuyuhiko’s face couldn’t get any brighter pink. He wrapped his arms around his midsection to hide his body and protect his stomach. “Okay, You found one of my worst spots… congratu-fucking-lations… Now let me up.”

“Oh no, I’m not letting you out of this. I warned you what would happen If you didn’t tell me, Didn’t I?” He hummed. “Although, I think Instead of being mean, I’m going to be nice instead…”

Although the tickles that he unleashed on his poor belly weren’t very nice. His fingers scribbled mercilessly against the sensitive skin.

“KYAHAHAHAHA! NOHOHOHOHO! STAHAHAHAP!”

“Look at this cute ticklish belly, It’s just begging for affection. And what better affection than tickles?” He grinned at the whine that slipped past his lips.

“THIS IHIHIHIHISN’T BEING NIHIHIHICE!” He whined between laughs.

“Yes It Is. I’m going to compliment every spot I tickle so that you feel a little bit better about your body by the time I’m done.” He replied. “I think that sounds pretty nice to me~”

Fuyuhiko covered his face with his hands, hiding his embarrassment.

“I like all the freckles across your skin, It makes you unique and It looks adorable~”

He switched to skittering his nails across his trembling stomach, drawing some higher pitched laughs from the boy. “I also like how your skin turns pink after a little bit of tickling.”

“BAHAHAHAHASTARD STAHAHAHAP IHIHIT!”

“Nope!” Hajime leaned down and blew a raspberry against his belly button.

“NAAAAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAJIME N-NAHAHAT THAT!” He laughed hysterically.

Just as he said, He began to snort between laughs. It was absolutely precious to the younger of the two.

“So what If your frame Is smaller? At least you have all your organs and bones, like your ribs for example.” He winked, fluttering his fingers across his ribcage. “There’s definitely twenty four of em. Unless you want me to count~?”

“Nohohohoho! *snort* Don’t you fucking dahahahare *snort* You bahahahastahahahard!”

“Well, Maybe I better count. Just In case.” He winked, Starting from the bottom set of ribs he worked his way up teasingly, Counting as he did.

So this was how Fuyu was going to die? Not the most dignified death in the world but… There’s worse ways to go, he supposed.

“Yep! All twenty four ribs!” Once he finished he skittered his fingers across Fuyu’s neck. “Your skin is really soft and tender, Perfect for tickling~”

“I wihihihill ehehehehend you!” He giggled.

“Shush! Let me hype you up.” Hajime laughed, going back and forth between neck, chest, ribs and underarms. Keeping Fuyuhiko In stitches. (and snorting, much to his chagrin.) “So what If you're not as tall? I think your height suits you. Plus, It makes it easier to pick you up and smother you with tickles.”

“Okahahahahay! Okahahay! *snort* Ehehehenough! Plehehehehease!”

Hajime relented, sensing he’d had enough. He sat down on the floor next to him and watched his chest rise and fall as he gasped for air.

Fuyuhiko brought his hands up and wiped the tears away from his face with his sleeves. “Oh my… God…” he panted.

“So, Are you feeling any better?” He asked with a grin.

“Y-Yeah… Th-Thanks…” Fuyu blushed as he sat up. “But… If you tell anybody what just happened--”

“Don’t worry, It’ll be our little secret.” Hajime winked, smiling at the flustered Yakuza.

“I can’t believe you think I’m cute. I am not fucking cute.” he huffed, crossing his arms.

Hajime blushed. Huh, He didn’t realize how that might sound without the proper context… Of course he didn’t mean romantically initially but.

He also didn’t feel any need to clarify this.

Is this inner conflict between platonic feelings and romantic feelings what being bi Is like? (Yes. Yes It Is. at least In my experience--)

“I can’t believe you think you aren’t cute.” Hajime retorted. “If I find out you’re feeling self conscious or dissing on yourself again, I will find you, and I will wreck you with compliments and tickles.”

Fuyuhiko gave a cheeky grin. “Is that supposed to deter me? You think I’m afraid of you?”

Hajime smirked and stood up, offering his hand to pull him to his feet. “You should be. Because you said I found one of your worst spots, Not the worst one… which means I still need to find it. And when I do, there will be no mercy.”

Fuyuhiko shuddered internally as he took Hajime’s hand and got to his feet.

“I’m not going to pressure you but… I might have a temporary solution If you wanted to join us.” Hajime said, going over to where he left his swim bag. From it he produced a tee shirt. “You could wear this with your swim trunks so that you don’t have to walk around shirtless.”

The Yakuza’s expression softened. “I didn’t bring my swim bag.”

“Peko did. She thought you might change your mind.” Hajime looked up at Fuyu and smiled, standing back up. He set the clean shirt on the table and ruffled Fuyu’s hair as he walked past. “If you change your mind…” He lingered in the doorway, looking back at him. “I’d love It if you joined us-- Uh, I mean, WE would love it-- Oh, You know what I mean.”

Flustered, The usually tsundere boy hurried back to the beach, Leaving behind the smiling Ultimate Yakuza.

“There you are! You sure were gone a while.” Mahiru sighed. “What were you off doing anyway?”

“Was Young master okay?” Peko asked, suddenly at his side.

“Fiend, Why Is your face so red? Are you possessed by a demon!?” Gundham asked.

“Did someone say Demon possession?” Sonia practically bounced over, Her eyes sparkling excitedly at the prospect.

Hajime stammered, Trying to process his words. “I-I was at the beach house with Fuyuhiko, He’s okay Peko.” He answered both Mahiru and Peko at the same time before turning to Gundham and Sonia. “No, I’m not possessed by a demon.”

“Aww...” Sonia pouted momentarily.

“Then why is your face so red? Did you forget the Human uv protection barrier?” Gundham asked, crossing his arms.

Hajime blinked. “The what?”

“Sunscreen?” Sonia asked, Turning back to Hajime after Gundham nodded in response to her question. “His face does not look sunburnt. Actually his face looks like it is going back to it’s normal color.”

“So that means Hajime was totally blushing!” Ibuki giggled. “What went on In that beach house, I wonder.”

Hajime’s face went red again as he was swiftly reminded of the reason he was blushing in the first place. “Sh-Shut up Ibuki!”

“Did something happen with Young master?” Peko asked curiously.

“N-No, Of course not! I-- GAH!” Hajime yelled In surprise as he was pelted with a water balloon, He whipped around In the direction it came from, Expecting Soda or Chiaki to have thrown It but instead finding Fuyuhiko.

He stood there barefoot In the sand, wearing swim trunks and Hajime’s shirt, which looked baggy on him and obscured his frame.

Peko’s face lit up, As did Hajime’s. The others were shocked.

“Hey Dumbass! Don’t lie to them. The truth Is I was going to stay inside but he cheered me up and convinced me to join you all.” He smirked, winking at Hajime who smiled lightheartedly.

“Well, There goes my fun! Who said he could join us??” Hiyoko pouted.

Chiaki sidled up to Fuyuhiko, handing him a rather large water gun with a bright smile. “Upgrade unlocked.”

Fuyuhiko grinned and took it from her. “Target acquired.” He responded, Locking eyes with Hiyoko as he pumped the water pressure slide.

The dancer screamed and took off running with Fuyuhiko on her tail. “NOOOO! MAHIRU HELP!”

“GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Fuyu called after her.

Mahiru and Hajime exchanged looks, cracking up laughing at their friends. “I’ll get my girlfriend to be nice if you go call off your boyfriend.” She said jokingly.

Hajime blushed, laughing along with her. “Deal.”

“Hiyoko! Over here!” Mahiru called, taking off running after her girlfriend.

“Fuyuhiko! Stop it, she’s already deeeaaad!” Hajime called after his friend, Laughing. He took off running after him too.

Chiaki leaned against Peko, sighing dramatically. “I think we pushed them In the right direction today.”

Peko nodded, patting the Gamer’s head. “It was smart of you to bring Fuyuhiko’s bag. How did you know he would change his mind?”

“I had a feeling. Thanks for carrying it for me, It would have looked suspicious If I’d been spotted with it.” Chiaki smiled sweetly up at the swordswoman. “Good work getting Hajime to go check on him. I don’t think either of them saw us In the doorway.”

Peko faintly smiled, watching Fuyuhiko get thrown over Hajime’s shoulder and carried away from Hiyoko. “I don’t think so either. Not that they could have heard us over Young Master’s laughter.”

Chiaki giggled as she watched Hajime getting sprayed down with the water gun now. “Mischief managed~”

#danganronpa tickle #sdr2 tickle #dr2 tickle #goodbye despair tickle #Lee!fuyuhiko #ler!Hajime #ticklish!fuyuhiko #tickle fic #Kuzuhina #I love these two so much #Chiaki and Peko are doing the lords work #I think Chiaki has had my favorite lines--#I make that zelda reference so often I didn't even realize I had written it but It's literally perfect for her lol #And the fucking harry potter reference #I had to--#hajime chasing after his chaotic boyfriend is a mood #what an icon #Fuyu is so adorable #he makes my heart happy

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dangermousie · 3 years

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Case File Compendium - ch 55

Good God, these are getting longer and longer, I feel like the ghost of Leo Tolstoy, sans the beard, is possessing me.

This was hilarious! And I love that despite last night, HY does not get the balance of power permanently altered. He Yu is so very young. And underneath the madness and the rage and the violence, he still has that remnant insecurity and awkwardness that could go away with age.

If he could use a scalpel as well as he can use his tongue, XQC would be the premiere surgeon of the country. But this was brilliant! God, I love XQC so very much!

I wondered for a minute why XQC does not act more distraught and destroyed and then it occurred to me - he is literally incapable of it. This is the same person who saw mangled bodies of his parents as a kid and moved on, the same one who kept functioning when he thought the sole person he loved, his sister, was dead. And this is the same here. He already doesn’t care if he lives or dies, this won’t change that. He will do with the latest horror the same as he did with the rest of the horrors in his life - shove it in a small room in the back of his mind and padlock it, while smoking three packs in a row. It’s not healthy but it enables him to survive.

YESSSSSS! He Yu was clearly fooling himself when he was all “he is gonna hate me and this is great!” He is distraught at the thought of XQC hating him but what the hell else did you expect?! It’s like a teeny baby step on the long road of remorse and groveling MB is gonna stick him on.

YES!!!! Applause!!!! Regardless of what one thinks XQC did or didn’t do, nothing he could have ever possibly done could justify what He Yu did. Not to mention, he treated He Yu when he was his doctor to the best of his ability. (Whatever one thinks of their post-employment interactions, he was not his doctor any more.)

The other thing, I don’t think XQC is a therapist. He’s a psychiatrist. He was clearly there to monitor HY’s illness back way when but it’s to treat physical manifestations and similar. That is why so many of his interactions come from this place. Sure, he talked about HY reintegrating back into society but it wasn’t part of any specific structured therapy sessions, it was just his personal beliefs/conversations. HY needed a bona fide therapist for proper therapy. But his parents never got HY one because they only cared about him being controlled enough to not cause issues to them, they never cared about his well-being. Hell, they never bothered to get him ANY doctor once XQC left and HY was only 14. Because hey, he controls himself so who cares about mental trauma. They are the worst!

Oh God, I want to cosmically slap HY into next week. “You Honor, I drugged and raped a dude but that’s justified because I never got birthday cake as a kid.” I am imagining that as a defense in a court of law.

Yes, I am being snide and disingenuous and reductionist because He Yu’s issues are obviously way beyond that and are genuine and serious, but I have absolutely zero sympathy for a rapist telling his victim that he is the one actually wronged.

And then he says he wouldn’t tell the truth because HY couldn’t bear it.

And guess what? Last night has proven XQC right on all accounts - yes, XX should stay away from He Yu as should anyone who likes self-preservation. And yes, learning that things were hallucinations was something HY couldn’t bear (yes, it got aggravated by finding out people concealed that, but I don’t think reaction would have been in the realm of good even without that.)

I loved that bit so much and I love that He Yu was sooooo close and then wrecked it himself.

The thing is, I don’t think all of the “XQC didn’t see the strength/validity of He Yu’s feelings” is what it seems. I don’t think it’s because he’s paternalistic or weird or heartless. I think it’s a defense mechanism due to trauma. He refuses to see ANYONE’s feelings - hell, he refused his wife’s! I think once his parents were murdered, he locked his heart to survive and refused to allow anyone or anything is so as not to be hurt again. XX is the only exception and that is because she was grandfathered in, so to speak.

And then HY’s actions actually did manage to make it through to the armor. Only for He Yu’s other actions to slam that door shut and put an extra layer of protection on.

Ummm, there is nothing in these chapters that is convincing me that He Yu shouldn’t be locked up forever and instead should be allowed to be in human society.

In general, I keep wondering how XQC will get past chapter 52-53 stuff and my brain breaks. Despite the vast amounts of noncon in 2ha, it is a much easier case there. CWN of main storyline never truly had to - he kept thinking his flashbacks were not real memories but weird dreams and by the time he realized they weren’t, he learned about the flower shortly after and how none of TXJ’s actions were really his fault in close succession. CWN -.5 also learned that near the end of the 0.5 timeline and that is what allowed him to love even that warped 0.5 version of Mo Ran and to tell him to forgive himself before CWN 0.5 died. And when we look at whatever went on with CWN and zombie Taxian Jun, leaving aside that CWN himself was in part looking for the man he loved and lost and being with this tormented, destroyed, controlled version of him was the most he could have, zombie TXJ was not even a proper person to be held responsible - he was a sliver of a soul, mad and controlled and with memory and personality lacunae the size of Australia. And of course the fact that he is the way he is because he sacrificed himself for CWN hangs over everything. We don’t even need to get into “and CWN loves him” to get why for CWN this is really a non-issue.

Despite a much healthier dynamic, Yuwu is interestingly closer. Because Mo Xi x Gu Mang first time is dubcon at best. But even there, it’s a very old-school romance novel set up of “gentleman overcome by his feelings can’t control himself” (and I am not going to get into the fact that Gu Mang’s life is so devoid of love that it’s matter of fact for him to look past the method of expression and fixate instead of the feelings being shown however dysfunctionally, because it would make me depressed.) But it’s basically, intense and terrible at intractions bear child Mo Xi expressing his love/lust/obsession/admiration/devotion to Gu Mang even if in an insane way and Gu Mang is under no mistake than that is what it is and they are in mutual love with GM having the emotional upper hand in every interaction this included (in fact, when he defects some years later, one of the regrets he feels is that he was always more crucial/paramount to Mo Xi than other way around.)

But CFC - forget 2ha, it’s not even Yuwu set-up! He Yu does what he does explicitly to humiliate and destroy and hurt XQC and makes no bones about it - saying things to humiliate him throughout, acting in such a way etc etc. It’s not even a sex version of the infamous Russian proverb “if he beats you means he loves you,” it’s just rape as an act of revenge and power and degradation. (And yes, as a reader, you are aware that the reason HY glommed onto that specifically is because without getting it at all, he’s been obsessed romantically/sexually with XQC for years so he’s acting out. But there is no way XQC can get anything like that from it and even if he somehow magically could when even HY himself doesn’t get it, expressing interest through humiliating and hurting someone on purpose to hurt and humiliate is a whole other level from something like Yuwu.)

So how?!

#cnovel #meatbun doesn’t eat meat #case file compendium #yuwu #2ha

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theggning · 3 years

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Codsworth Is So Underrated, You Guys

ALTERNATE TITLE: Codsworth and the Totally Understated Mindbending Evolution of Artificial Consciousness

I find Codsworth is often the most underrated of the 16 companions in Fallout 4. Your faithful robot butler is among the very first you can recruit and an excellent early-game ally, but he has a few disadvantages in gameplay that mean he’s often sent back to Sanctuary before long. Codsworth is a mid-to-close range fighter only, cannot wear armor or be equipped with weapons. He cannot be healed by stimpak, which makes him a liability if you’re playing on Survival mode. He has no companion quest of his own, so unless you particularly enjoy him there’s not a compelling reason to keep him for a long time. He also becomes recruitable exactly 2 minutes after adorable puppy Best Boy Dogmeat, so he is often (understandably) replaced just as soon as he’s made available.

But there is this great, completely understated facet to Codsworth, so understated that the game does not draw attention to it in any way. And yet, it is a wonderful reflection of many of the themes of Fallout 4 and, I believe, a pretty strong indication of its thesis statement.

Now what in the hell am I talking about?

Like many sci-fi/fantasy universes, the Fallout series is home to many highly-advanced robots. Robots were commonplace before the Great War, and many have survived the bombs intact and in working order. Others have been built or modified by wastelanders to serve various tasks (Percy, Ada.) The most important thing to understand about robots, though, is though they may have vivid personalities programmed in, they are widely accepted to be objects. They are thought of the same way as an appliance, a machine built for a specific purpose and programmed to follow a strict set of protocols.

Many jokes revolve around the relatively rigid intelligence of robots. Pre-War, many were deployed in inappropriate jobs or designed haphazardly (Mister Handies acting as nurses in a hospital, “paramedic” Protectrons with massive deadly tasers for hands, military robots constantly going haywire and erupting in friendly fire.) Others continue to man businesses and play out daily tasks as they were programmed to do over 200 years ago. Most robots are incapable of understanding anything beyond their initial programming, and most pre-War robots are completely unaware that the Great War ever happened.

When the Sole Survivor reunites with Codsworth at the ruins of their home, it seems like he, too, doesn’t understand what’s going on. He talks about tending the (dead) garden, references the (ghoulified) neighbors, and generally acts like the chipper robot butler Sole left behind on their way to Vault 111.

But there is something slightly… off in Codsworth’s dialogue here. Though he acts like the war never happened, he also specifically mentions details that suggest it did:

Player Default: Codsworth! You're still... fully operational?

Codsworth: {Defiant} Well of course, mum. You can thank the fine engineers at General Atomics for that! At least, you could have. Had they not been... vaporized.

A bit over 210 actually, mum. Give or take a little for the Earth's rotation and some minor dings to the ole' chronometer. That means you're two centuries late for dinner! Ha ha ha. Perhaps I can whip you up a snack? You must be famished.

You've no idea the desperation for human contact one develops over 200 years. {Upset, recalling bad memories of encountering raiders and scavengers. / Disgust} And when you do encounter them? Oh the cruelty! You're either... target practice or... spare parts!

Even stranger, Codsworth mentions details that are plainly made-up (or some kind of delusion):

Codsworth: It's been ages since we've had a proper family activity. Checkers. Or perhaps charades. Shaun does so love that game. Is the lad... with you...?

Player Default: Codsworth... listen to me carefully... have you seen him? Have you seen Shaun?

Codsworth: Why, sir had him last, remember? Perhaps he's gone to the Parker residence to arrange a play-date?

(Shaun is an infant. He is too young to play charades or to go to the neighbors for a play-date.)

So at once, Codsworth does and does not acknowledge the war. He does and does not seem to understand what’s happened, and he does and does not seem to follow Sole’s urgency regarding their spouse’s death and Shaun’s kidnapping.

And then, after a speech check, Codsworth finally snaps and breaks down sobbing in despair. Not only does he understand that the war happened, he has developed the ability to get depressed about it. Longing for human contact and with nothing else to do, he’s even developed coping mechanisms to help him try to deal with his loneliness and despair—futilely trying to do his chores and deluding himself into pretending everything is completely normal.

Wait a minute. Sobbing? Despair? Depression? Coping mechanisms and delusions? This Is all pretty sophisticated stuff to be programmed into a robot, and if you spend more time with Codsworth, the reality of what’s happened to him becomes apparent:

Codsworth has evolved beyond his programming. In his 210 lonely years of existence, he has developed emotional reactions and self-awareness far beyond that of most other robots, and, indeed, has basically evolved an artificial consciousness.

“Emergent intelligence” is the theoretical ability of an AI to eventually develop something resembling human thought processes, and it seems that our dear Codsworth has undergone this. Traveling with him, he displays many sophisticated thoughts and behaviors far beyond what most robots are shown to be capable of. He has memories of pre-War time and places, and understands how various locations have changed. He is capable of learning new information and forming opinions on it, gaining his own understanding of the people and factions in the Commonwealth. He can feel happiness, sorrow, fear, disgust. He can anticipate things, predict danger and imagine how people might respond to your actions. The mere he fact he has opinions and a moral code that he applies to you shows he has free will, something even other robot companions don’t (Ada has a personality, but absolutely does not care about your actions.)

He’s also smart enough to make many wry observational jokes, and to lay one hell of a sick burn on you:

{Joking - Found an old bowling alley. / Amused} Fancy a game, mum? Something tells me the bumpers are no longer available.

Codsworth’s intelligence is even more sophisticated than that. He displays stunning self-awareness, frequently referencing the fact he is a robot and what that means. He is very proud of his background as General Atomics’ finest, and seems pleased with his robot nature and his lot in life. (Unlike Curie, I don’t think Codsworth would ever really want to gain a synth body. He seems quite happy as he is.)

Here he is making reference to still feeling the tug of his programming:

{Seeing an office with chairs arranged in a circle. / Neutral} I've the most incredible urge to rearrange those chairs in a more perfect circle.

Understanding when other robots are restricted by theirs:

A pity. It appears Deezer's programming is too severe to allow for normal conversation. Ah well.

And when they’re actually not:

Codsworth: Greetings, sir. Good to see another robot in town. That chef hat becomes you.

Takahashi: Nan-ni shimasho-ka?

Codsworth: Takahashi you say? I'm Codsworth, a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Takahashi: Nan-ni shimasho-ka?

Codsworth: Is that so? Well, we both know RobCo is no General Atomics. It's not surprising it failed, shoddy work and all. {Friendly - trying to cheer up another robot. / Friendly} Chin up, though. Never know when parts may turn up.

And here’s Galaxy Brain Codsworth ruminating on his own state of being and contemplating his nature:

{Disappointed that he can't be 100% human sometimes. / Sad} It's unfortunate that I lack the proper design to consume liquids. Something about camaraderie over a few drinks is very inviting.

I suppose if I had the hardware, I'd have the software as well. I'd hate to see how that'd affect my honesty and manner settings.

{Reconsidering what he thought was a good idea. / Thinking} Indeed. Perhaps I should rethink my initial desire.

Hilariously, Codsworth does not seem fully aware of how remarkable his intelligence is. He occasionally says things like “if I had feelings” and “if I could feel things,” indicating that in some ways he still believes he is only a robot and defines himself by what a robot is and does.

But as we can see, our humble robot butler has essentially evolved to become the smartest, most emotionally intelligent and person-like robot in the Commonwealth*, and potentially in the series.

([SIDE NOTE: Other FO4 robots nearing Codsworth’s level of consciousness and developed personality include Captain Ironsides, KLE-O, Whitechapel Charlie, and perhaps Takahashi. Curie is close, but also receives the unfair advantage of being uploaded into a synth body with a human brain. Jezebel also functions off of a human brain. Nick is not a robot, he’s a synth (though he does jokingly refer to himself as one) and also has the advantage of a human brain encoded on his processor.])

Also hilariously, the game basically does not acknowledge Codsworth’s impressive evolution. At all. There is absolutely no direct mention of it in the script. It is all left to ambient dialogue and the player’s own observations. And because so many people overlook Codsworth as a companion, they may not even realize exactly how unique his expanded consciousness is.

Now, you might call this total lack of mention a mistake, an oversight on Bethesda’s part, or that old chestnut “bad writing.” I don’t think it is. I think it’s a deliciously subtle little detail to include in a story about humanity, machines, artificial intelligence, and what makes a person.

Many of the themes of FO4 revolve around synths—distinctly not robots, but androids, artificially created beings with fully organic human bodies. Most of the storyline factions have strong beliefs about synths and the relative humanity thereof. The Institute believes that synths are objects, tools, machines no different from a robot who are only simulating their personalities through programming. The Brotherhood believes synths are monstrous abominations, a danger to humanity itself, technology run amok which needs to be destroyed. The Railroad believes they are people. Not humans, but people, built instead of born, free-thinking beings that deserve to be treated with respect and given rights.

Through quests, dialogue, notes, worldbuilding and other venues, players explore these questions. What makes someone a person? If your personality and memories can be rewritten or programmed, then who are you, really? Where do we draw the line between humans and machines, and how do we decide who belongs where?

Meanwhile, as the player contemplates the nature of personhood and the definition of intelligence, their robot butler quietly evolves into a fully-conscious person on his own, right beside them.

Codsworth is unquestionably a machine, but also unquestionably beyond the appliance he was built to be. Which to some philosophies and players should really beg a few other questions. If a robot can be considered a person, then what makes synths so different? And how many excuses do we have to make to pretend otherwise?

Ya boy Codsworth may not be flashy, or powerful, or kissable. He may not be the most glamorous companion around. But he is a good friend, a beloved member of the family, and above all else, a loyal butler—content to serve, quietly and humbly doing his job where some may never even notice him-- or the fact that he’s casually become his own person and sent generations of roboticists and philosophers spinning in their graves.

#fallout 4 #fallout meta #codsworth #hey tumblr fuck you i win #i was forced to do an involuntary second draft #but i like it better now so hey

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