#c-congrats if you read the whole thing

[pet-rock-from-hell]

thinked thoughts so hard now i gotta lie on the floor about it

[rrrrinmaru]

calculated risk (but boy am i bad at math) (sylus x mc) (nsfw)

wc: 4.3k rating: E warnings: NSFW content, dirty talk, blowjobs, skull fucking, orgasm denial, slight spanking (ass and pussy) brief: you lose a bet to sylus and you have to do whatever he wants for 24 hours // part 2 here

It starts, as most things do with Sylus, an incredibly poor decision on your part. 

It can’t be helped—when Sylus smirks at you, one eyebrow raised as he gives you a challenging look, you know it’s only going to end in either one of both ways. You taking him up on the bet, or the both of you in a training room with you trying your damned best to figure out how many bones of his you can break.

This time, he hadn’t even disclosed what the prize would be. “Patience, dollface,” he murmured when you told him to lay the terms out upfront. “Isn’t it fun when you don’t know everything?”

“And I suppose it’s fun for you to keep me in the dark?” Control freak, you thought to yourself, but the bet was simple and there was no way you would lose. 

Sylus had shrugged, spreading his hands in a helpless pretense. 

It didn’t matter. You were confident. You were going to win.

==

“I gotta go with A,” Luke says slowly, smacking his lips as he speaks. “I like the spices. No clue what’s in it though—pepper, and er, I’m going to go with cinnamon? Or something similar?”

You could strangle him. Who the fuck puts cinnamon in tomato and eggs? You didn’t even see Sylus go near that section of the spice cabinet. 

“Do you even know what cinnamon tastes like?” You can’t help but ask. 

Luke licks his lips again. “Yeah, I ate a whole spoonful of cinnamon once because Kieran dared me to, and I was out of it for days. Boss got really mad, haha, remember that?”

Sylus sighs, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “He choked,” he says unhelpfully when you look to him for more information. 

“He exhaled cinnamon for what felt like hours after that,” Kieran notes from the side. “I wanted to get a scan of his lungs to see how tainted from cinnamon they were, but Boss grounded us.”

“Anyways, it may not be cinnamon, but it’s definitely a c-something,” Luke declares confidently. “I like it. A is the winner for me.”

“Cilantro,” Kieran tells him. You can’t read his expression through the fox mask, but you like to think he’s rolling his eyes. There’s exasperation in his voice that reeks of an older brother forced to reckon with the stupidity of a younger sibling, an unstoppable force crashing headfirst into an immovable object. 

Luke snaps his fingers, leaning forward to spoon another mouth of scrambled egg into his mouth. “It’s good. Who made this one?”

“I have to vote first,” Kieran reminds him. “But I’ll go with A too. It’s saltier. I prefer things with a stronger taste.”

“Hm.” Sylus turns to look at you, cocking his head. “It appears we have a unanimous decision. Our fear of needing a tie-breaker game didn’t even materialise.”

You stay silent. Your arms are folded across your chest, and you get the errant thought of whether you could stamp on his shoe hard enough to break his big toe. Probably not, but giving up without even trying is a defeatist attitude. 

“Woah,” Luke says, looking furiously between the both of you. “Boss made this?”

Kieran suddenly goes very silent. He brings a fist up to his mouth and starts coughing lightly, but he also resembles a cat attempting to cough up a hairball.

“I did,” Sylus replies, looking quite pleased. “Surprised?”

“Er,” Luke says simply. “Er, congrats. Kieran, do you know how to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre?”

Kieran coughs again. “I’ll do it on you if you do it on me first.”

“Deal.” Luke hurries to stand, his chair screeching against the floorboards from the strength of his push. “Can we excuse ourselves? Our role here is done, right?”

Sylus jerks his head at the exit, and the both of them scramble to the door. As they leave, you think you can hear Luke mutter something that sounds like “I didn’t know I would like soapy eggs, but there’s a first for everything, right?”

Kieran shoves him in the shoulder in response as they both leave. And Kieran goes to great pains to ensure the door is closed, firmly, behind him. 

“Let me try that,” you demand, reaching for Luke’s chopsticks left on the edge of the plate. 

A strand of twisting red energy wraps around your wrist, yanking it to a stop.

“There are clean chopsticks,” Sylus chides. From across the kitchen, a covered bowl and a pair of chopsticks are brought over by tendrils of red and black energy. 

He leans back, hips pressed against the counter as he collects the bowl and chopsticks. The lid lifts of its own accord and floats over to rest on the nearby countertop. 

Sylus picks up a piece of egg and holds it out to you.

“… You made a separate serving for me?” 

“I had my suspicions. If I won, you would have demanded a taste test to ensure I didn’t rig the competition.” Sylus tilts his head, as if daring you to disagree. “Was I right?”

Instead of answering, you lean forward to take the piece of egg into your mouth. Your lips close around the end of the chopsticks, and you stay like that for a moment, looking up at Sylus from under your eyelashes. 

Sylus’ gaze deepens. 

You pull off, leaving the chopsticks wet with your saliva as you chew on the food in your mouth. It’s good. Pretty good. Salty, but in a good way. It would go excellently with a fresh bowl of rice.

You’re actually kind of irritated. Why is Sylus good at making scrambled eggs and tomato? Did he pencil that into his busy schedule—illicit trading activities at 10 am, cooking lessons at 12 pm, a shoot out in a back alleyway at 3 pm, and prowling the streets of the N109 Zone from 11 pm to 4 am like some kind of avenger?

“It’s not bad,” you admit mulishly. “But it’s not better than my cooking. I’d say it’s at the same level.”

“Crowd opinion begs to differ. There’s no shame in losing to someone better, sweetie.”

Oh, you’ve just about had it with him. But a bet is a bet, and Sylus won without any obvious cheats. Luke enjoying the soapy taste of cilantro is something you could never have predicted; if Sylus used this fact to his advantage, you can’t even hold a grudge against him. You would have done the same.

“Give me that,” you say, holding a hand out for the bowl and chopsticks. “So, what’s the prize?”

Sylus doesn’t hand you the bowl immediately. He puts the chopsticks into his mouth, licking them clean before dipping them into the bowl again and picking out another piece of egg. He holds it out.

You lean forward, of course, lips parted as you expect him to feed it to you.

Instead, he turns the chopsticks around and places the egg into his mouth. He hums as he chews on it, nodding like he’s pleased at the taste. 

You snap your jaw shut. You give him a dirty look, pressing forward to brace your palms against the countertop, on either side of his hips. Like this, he’s trapped. 

Your chest is pressed up against him. Your hips align with his. You go on the balls of your feet, forcing him to lift the bowl and chopsticks higher so he doesn’t hit you in the face.

“You think you’re so funny,” you grumble, staring him down. “Bet, reward, now. Tell me what it is so I can be mentally prepared.”

Sylus doesn’t respond at first. He glances down at you, amusement written all over his face, and lets go of the bowl. Strands of energy catch it, bringing it to rest on the counter behind him. The chopsticks are brought along as well, leaving him empty handed.

“You’re standing in a dangerous position.” He puts the knuckle of his index finger under your chin to tilt your head up. “If you offer yourself up like this, I’ll take advantage.”

He tilts his hips forward, rolling intently against your abdomen. The prominent bulge presses into your lower stomach, right above where your womb is, and you flush scarlet.

You move to pull back, but Sylus moves one hand lightning fast, reaching behind to cup the curve of your ass and pressing you even tighter against the hard line of his arousal through his slacks.

He even squeezes, eyebrows rising in a challenging fashion as he waits to see how you’ll respond. 

You know he just wants to get a rise out of you. Unfortunately, it’s working. Your insides clench uncontrollably, wanting to cling tightly to something. 

Somehow, Sylus always succeeds at making you feel empty.

“As if you don’t take advantage on the daily.” You shift your stance until your thighs are spread around Sylus’s leg. He watches you adjust yourself, that mildly interested look affixed on his face as you straddle his thigh. 

Once you’re satisfied, you roll your hips forward, grinding down on the thick thigh to put pressure against your core. It’s a syrupy heat, starting from your tailbone and crawling up your spine. You press further into Sylus’s growing hardness, and he lets out a pleasant hum, tilting his head back to soak in the weight against his cock.

His fingers tighten against your ass. His grip is heavy, holding you tightly enough that you wonder if they’ll leave bruises against your skin. Five pretty bruises, black and blue on your ass. 

“Harder,” he coaxes hoarsely. “You can do better than that. What are they teaching Hunters these days?”

Your thighs squeeze threateningly around him. But that puts pressure on your clit, making pleasure surge deliciously inside you and you do it again—Sylus seems to catch on and he pulls you along the length of his thigh with the hand on your ass.

“Definitely not how to ride the unspoken ruler of the N109 Zone,” you shoot back breathlessly.

He lets out a startled laugh. “You flatter me, sweetie.”

“Stop evading the question,” you remind him, even as you steadily roll your hips against his thigh. Slow, regular grinds as you rub your cunt against his pants. You wonder if your pussy is wet enough to leak through your panties. You wonder if your panties are drenched, sticking to your thighs. You wonder if you’re making his pants damp, and whether he can feel it leaking through to his skin.

Judging from the way he suddenly grips your ass with more force at a particularly smooth slide, you think he might. 

“Remind me, what question were we speaking of?”

“Bet. Reward.” You slide one hand across his abdomen, stopping right over his belt buckle. The nail of your index finger catches against the metal—this isn’t the first time you’ve wished you had some kind of Evol that involved the manipulation of metal. “Want me to go on my knees?”

The pad of his thumb smooths over your lower lip. 

“Should I put this cute mouth to good use? I think I should,” Sylus murmurs, eyes half-lidded as he looks down at you. “But let’s talk about the bet first. The reward is simple.”

His other hand skates lightly along your outer thigh. Light as a feather, his fingers skimming along your skin so gently that it makes you itch. You almost want him to press hard, the same way he’s gripping your ass, instead of this light, itchy sensation spreading across your body. 

His fingers creep up, running under the hem of your dress. They trace the edge of your panties, nails scratching faintly against the cotton. 

“I get to do whatever I want with you for the next twenty-four hours,” he says, voice curling with satisfaction. His eyes are creased slightly, the smile sinking through his gaze. As if to drive his point home, he pointedly looks you up and down, dragging his gaze over every inch of your body. 

He’s lucky. If you were still clear-headed, you would have scoffed and told him to change the bet. Sylus might have convinced you after a while, but it would have taken time. At least half an hour of convincing, you reckon, with lips on your neck and fingers down your panties to get you worked up enough to say yes to a bet as insane as that.

Twenty-four hours? To do whatever he wants? 

Now, with your drenched pussy and your throbbing clit, both just begging for attention from him—this plan sounds pretty good. With the way his fingers playfully run across your panties, the tip of his thumb glancing off your swollen clit then darting away, as if it was an accident, as if he didn’t intend to do that, when you both know damn well he’s very acquainted with your clit—

“Go on,” you gasp, chasing after his sly fingers. Pressure, you need more pressure. If he squeezes your clit between his fingers, even through the wet cotton of your panties, it might be enough. “What do you want me to do?”

“Choices, choices. That mouth looks hungry for something, doesn’t it?” He presses his thumb into your clit harshly, making your body jerk at the sudden burst of electricity that surges through you. Sylus rubs it languidly, watching you shiver on his thigh, then he draws that hand away and brings it to his face. 

You watch, pupils dilated and mouth open as he lifts his thumb to his nose and inhales deeply. His eyes flutter shut, lips parting as he rubs the pad of his thumb on his tongue. Behind you, his other hand flexes, tightening his hold on your ass. 

“Mm,” he hums, slowly opening his eyes to look at you. “Delicious as always, sweetie. You’ve completely wet your panties.”

“Sylus,” you whine, pulling insistently at his belt. “Tell me what you want, or I’ll just do whatever I want to do.”

“How naughty. Thinking of breaking the rules of the bet this early?” His hand leaves your ass and you almost move to slide off, but there’s a sudden sharp sound and a stinging pain—your cheeks turn red at how that spank made your insides tighten up. “On your knees, dollface. Show me what that talented mouth of yours can do.” 

You go, the tips of your ears blushing when you see the blatant wet spot on his slacks your greedy pussy left on him.

==

Sylus uses your mouth like a fleshlight. All you have to do is sit there and look pretty, mouth open and wet, teeth hidden behind your lips as he holds your head in place and fucks into your mouth. Saliva pools in your mouth, your tongue numb from how loose you’re trying to keep your muscles. You just need to be there, fingers locked around Sylus’ ankles, knees spread on the ground and your arousal dripping on the floorboards—

“Good girl,” Sylus croons, head tilting back to expose the long line of his neck as his hips snap forward. “So fucking obedient for me, aren’t you? Tongue out, sweetie, let my cock slide right in—mmhmm, that’s right, you know what I like, don’t you?”

His fingers are tangled in your hair. There’s no gentleness in the way he holds you there—his grip on your hair is tight, your strands circling his fingers at least twice. He’d stroked your hair right at the beginning, when you were sliding to your knees and dragging the zipper of his pants down with your teeth. Then he’d wound your hair around four of his fingers once, twice, twisting his wrist, pulling sharply so you’d feel the strain at your scalp as you licked up the length of his cock. 

He’d told you to clean it up, so you did. You flattened your tongue along the thick line of his cock and you dragged it up, eyelashes fluttering as you traced the fat protruding vein under the head of his cock. You got his cock nice and slick, shiny from spit and precum. 

And now he’s fucking into your mouth, salty precum dripping down your throat as your cunt clenches around nothing. He grunts, a low punched-out sound that makes your clit throb. You’re the reason he looks so disheveled, sleeves rolled up messily to his elbows, slacks pulled open just enough for you to slip his cock out and suck on it—

The worst thing about Sylus, you think in a haze, the heavy weight of a fat cock in your mouth so all-encompassing that you don’t have many brain cells left for clear thought, is that he loves to talk. He can’t keep his fucking mouth shut, especially during sex. 

“Look at you,” he pants, voice gravelly from arousal. His thrusts are becoming more haphazard, losing the regularity from seconds ago. There’s a familiar stutter and his cock pulses on your tongue, the fat head going so far down your throat you almost seize up, but you hold it back. You can take it. You want to take it. “Do you want it in your throat or on your face?”

You make a noise, the sound muffled from Sylus’ cock. He laughs, a breathless sound, and the ache in your scalp intensifies. Oh, he’s close. 

“You’ll have to speak up, dollface.”

The whine that leaves your lips is louder this time, your fingers tightening around Sylus’ ankles. If your nails dig into the skin, leaving trails of scratch marks, all it does is make Sylus groan, hips jerking as he slams into your throat. 

“Hm, I can’t hear you,” he notes, eyes glinting as he looks down at you. “But it doesn’t matter, does it? You have to take whatever I give you, sweetie. Open that throat up for me, nice and pretty—ngh, fuck—”

You bare your teeth just enough to scrape the underside of Sylus’ cock. He’s not afraid to mix his pain with his pleasure, and the sting of teeth biting at his sensitive length while he fucks into your face is something he’s told you is addictive. You know he likes it. You know it makes him tremble, and you see it in his crimson eye when he hunches over, abdomen tightening as his cock twitches. 

“Close,” he growls through gritted teeth. “Suck on it, sweetie. You have to work for the reward you want. I don’t—haaah, fuck, I don’t give handouts.”

You obey, eyes closing instinctively as you suck on his cock. His cock is leaking badly, precum sliding down your throat. You swear you can feel the head of his cock all the way down, right to the base of your throat, right at your clavicle. It truly feels like he’s hitting it that deep, bruising the insides of your mouth and throat until you won’t be able to eat right or breathe right for days. 

You swallow desperately, throat working furiously around the head of his cock, that tight wet heat that drives him crazy, and he bites out a curse as his hips jerk forward, cock throbbing as come spills into your mouth. 

He doesn’t let up. He keeps fucking into your mouth, hips pumping as he slides his cock back and forth on your tongue. You suck at his cock, swallowing mouthful and mouthful of come down your throat. Your entire world narrows to a pinpoint, to the grounding weight of his pulsing cock on your tongue, the ache in your mouth, the sting of your scalp—there might be tears in your eyes, or sweat from overexertion, but your vision is blurry when you look up and watch Sylus watch you. 

Sylus watches you with hooded eyes, mouth open as he pants for air. His lips curve up when he sees you open your eyes, looking down at you with a pleased expression while he rides out the aftershocks in your wet mouth. 

“How obedient,” he says, breathing heavily as he lets one hand go and moves to stroke the side of your mouth with his thumb. He cups your jaw, wiping away a trail of spit from your lips, then reaches down to follow the outline of his cock in your throat. “Swallow.”

You swallow, and his eyes darken as your throat bobs around his cock. He must be able to feel it on both ends—his cock, trapped in that endless wet heat; his fingers, feeling the movement of your muscles under your skin, feeling his heartbeat in his cock through your throat. 

He continues fucking your mouth until the spurts of come finally taper off. Even then, he seems content to let his cock stay in your mouth, rubbing along the textured roof of your mouth and against the scrape of your teeth. 

Eventually, he pulls back. Sylus’ cock leaves your lips, inch by inch, until his back is against the counter again and only the tip of his cock is left in your mouth.

You can’t help it. Now that there’s more space, you move your tongue instinctively, curving it along the over-sensitive head of his cock and licking into the slit. 

Your eyes are trained carefully on Sylus’ face as you do this. He shudders, lips spreading in a smile even as his grip tightens in your hair. 

He gives you this look, half-lidded eyes and a lazy, satisfied smile as you mouth at his cock. 

“Good girl,” he says hoarsely, pulling your hair until your mouth slides off his cock. It bobs in front of you, still half-hard, and you risk your luck with lapping at the fat cockhead. 

Sylus stops you by yanking your head back even further. He pulls up, forcing you to your feet, then he unwinds his fingers and smooths your hair down. 

You pant lightly, trying to get your breathing under control. Your mouth feels like one big bruise, and you clear your throat before even attempting to speak. Your voice is going to sound completely fucked, you know, and some part of you revels in it. That you’ll walk around sounding like someone just brutalised your throat, because someone did. 

Sylus doesn’t do anything. He just stands there, the long line of his body stretching out before you as he drops one hand to cup your waist. You eye him, then eye the slowly growing stiffness of his cock—when you look back up, he has that familiar, smug challenging look on his face, like he wants to see what you’ll do next. 

Oh, you know what you want. You take his free hand and bring it under the rucked up hem of your dress. Your panties are sticky with arousal, and you’re certain you leaked enough fluid for his cock to slide in without any stretching, but you like fingers in your cunt. You like Sylus’ fingers in your cunt, specifically. 

Thick and callused fingers, broad enough that two of them feel like four of yours. You like the way they can hunt down that sensitive spot inside you with deadly precision, and you like the way he taps insistently at it like he’s pulling a trigger on a target. You like it when he crooks his fingers inside you and finger you stupid while his thumb flicks insistently at your clit. 

You even pull your drenched panties to the side so Sylus can slip his fingers in. You’re being so accommodating, so sweet and nice and obedient, all hopped up on endorphins from having a cock in your mouth and watching Sylus come—

He runs his index and middle finger through the seam of your pussy, gathering up your sticky wetness. He reaches up to pinch your clit, finding it with shocking accuracy even though his hand is hidden beneath your skirt, and you let out a surprised moan, your knees shaking from the pleasure that bursts inside you. You are going over the edge the moment he sinks those clever fingers inside you, you just know it.

But he draws his hand away. You’re so shocked that you let him do it, let him pull his hand away and bring it to his face again, almost an exact copy of what happened earlier. You watch, pussy clenching around nothing as he presses those two fingers together and pulls them apart, letting thin silvery strands of your arousal stretch in between the fingertips. 

Sylus rubs them together again, then puts those fingers in his mouth. He looks at you, holding your gaze as he sucks on them, throat visibly moving as he swallows. 

“Sweet,” he notes, nodding in approval. “A sample before the main course.”

You stare blankly at him. Your clit is throbbing, desperate for attention. “Sylus,” you demand, reaching for his hand again. “I want—”

“I know what you want.” His hand cups your exposed pussy. His palm is hot, heat radiating off his skin as he rubs slowly along your slick cunt. “But for the next twenty-four hours, you’re at my mercy.”

He slaps your pussy, so suddenly that it makes you yelp, both hands reaching out to grip his bicep in a bid to stabilise yourself. It stings, so pleasantly that it makes your clit tingle—you want more of it, more of everything and anything, as long as he makes you come. You’re so close it’s not even funny. One more slap could push you over the edge, as long as he does it hard enough and right across your twitching, swollen clit—

“Go take a shower,” Sylus suggests, eyes dark as he stares you down. “I’ll find you when I want to, dollface.”

“You—!” 

His smirk just makes the heat in your gut flare up. You want nothing more than to push him on his back and straddle that face, wipe that smile off with your cunt and force him to eat you out until you’re shaking from overstimulation and crying over his tongue. 

But a bet is a bet. And you respect the sanctity of a reward, even if it frustrates you to no end. 

“You are infuriating,” you hiss, and stalk off to find a change of clothes.

==

© rrrrinmaru 2024 | no unauthorised publication or reproduction allowed

[acheronist]

to the ghost of henry peglar, congrats on writing your poem down 177 years ago!!!

to the actual academic scholars who have studied the pages before me....

so I took the royal museum greenwich's scan of the poem page (which is available online hereeee) and screwed around with its light levels in photoshop until henry's script was darkened enough to see more clearly. then I digitally traced over the darkened letters as best as I could, while also trying to discern his handwriting, and type up how I was reading it & this process took me about a week to get done between like... living my regular day to day life lmao.......

so when it WAS done, the final isabel acheronist peglar papers ["the open C"] transcript seemed a bit different than how I remembered the readily available russell potter transcript going ? (the poem is on the last two pages of that pdf for those of you who don't spend a billion hours a week looking at it btw)

it felt like I was getting more/different information out of it, compared to the potter transcript, which was kind of stressing me out honestly. so THEN I compared mine with barry cornwall's original poem and found more words that matched up? particularly in the second and third stanzas?

so!!!!! almost two hundred years later here's what I've landed on:

April 21 1847 the C the C the open ) ( it grew so fresh the Ever free the Ever free the Ever free without it without it covered it will Run to Earth above Re gions Round I love the C I love the C when I whare & I wish to be with and and silence whare Never go if a sailor should a Come and Make the meek What matter what matter Come Ride Or Sleep there was shores white and of red morn at the noisy hours knew I was ever near I was Born the [...] in felt Unto the Maid the wale the young dolphin ...... yet thes back of gold the Call of gods When I was on Old England Shore I like the young C more and more oftentimes time flew to a sweltering place like a bird thats seeks it mother Case and ware she was bird oft to me for have I loved a young and Hopen C

so then after going thru All Of That, I wanted to have a version of the original poem with parts that Henry did remember clearly highlighted for comparison purposes:

I know it's a popular theory that Henry was writing a dirty parody of the original poem? which if true, is funny as hell. me when i have to write cheeky victorian porn before i die.

But (serious voice) something about that hadn't ever seemed exactly right to me... IN MY HEART it seems more realistic that around 1847 he (and also by extension, the whole surviving expedition crew) were starting to experience confusion / brain fog symptoms from being ummmm quite physically unwell. the lead poisoning/scurvy combo would have severe effects on the brain's ability to function properly, and I started to wonder if Henry was trying to test his memory somehow? So he picked a widely known and popular Victorian era poem about being a sailor to see how much he could recall??? and he then got a little whimsical with it, and wrote in his own words to fill in the portions he couldn't fully recall, because it's his own diary and likely didn't expect anyone else to ever read it, much less have it turn into ONE of TWO surviving sources about the expedition?????

like... idk... this is probably the work of someone in the exact moment as they were starting to realize how bad things were, and then was trying to cope by using poetry. and That hurts my feelings enough as it is, but going through it was also just a very weird and haunting experience....... like, I can recognize all these tiny details in this dead guy's script and handwriting now. and to read his own account of his life in his own words, what stood out to him and what he recalled, what he wanted people in the future to know about him? insane. it literally felt like i was getting haunted by him for no reason. on top of knowing that Someone (#teamarmitage) loved this guy enough to keep his memory protected and safe, even though They Were So Totally Fucked And Going To Die There, unknowing if they'd ever be found again........

SIGHING + SIGHING + SIGHING + SIGHING + CRYING A BIT HONESTLY

anyways thanks for reading this all. I don't think that this is revolutionary franklin expedition news by any means, and idk if there's a better different transcript somewhere that i've not found that already covers all this? but it's consumed a lot of my life lately lol and i wanted to share. because its the anniversary of henry writing it, and it felt...... important....? 💌....????

[at4zxx]

CHLOE CHARMING HEADCANONS

Chloe Charming x fem!reader

genre: the most fluffiest fluff💖

warnings: not proof read.

Such a lil cutie

LOVES going out places

When she was younger Ella and Charming would tell Chloe (and Probably Chad) the story of Cinderella every night before bed 😭😭 (got this from Malia herself)

and Chloe’s probably the one to believe in true love.

DEFINITELY GOT ALL THE BRAIN (chads kinda brainless and I love him for that )

when she met Red her face went from :D STRAIGHT TO D: after hearing Bridget say “OFF WITH HER HEAD.”

friends with fem reader since they were toddlers

When their parents put the two in play dates they would probably play Princess and the knight (you were the Princess, she was the knight)

End up arguing because you both wanted to be the knight. 😞😦

you both got the role of knight! Chloe just made her father or big brother get into a dress and be the princess (and what a pretty Princess they were)

I think you both had little kid crushes on each other, but you both didn’t exactly know what it was so after a while you both would just think you two were super bffs

Hugging, handholding, pinky promises, KISSES ON CHEEK, FOREHEAD. wholesome stuff ❤️

When you both got older, so did your friendship- I mean.

She likes you? AND WHY DID SHE ANNOUNCE IT IN PUBLIC.

probably pulled a Ben and said “I love you Y/N, did I ever mention that??” In front of the whole school like- ☠️

YOU ACCEPT BECAUSE YOU LIKE HER TOO!

relationship status⬇️⬇️❤️

Loves hand holding , cuddling, kisses, ANYTHING THAT REGARDS LOVE.

congrats! You just got yourself a guard dog 💕

If you were endangered. Just watch as in a few minutes she comes into where you were held hostage like-

“Are you alright Mon cœur?”

“Are you hurt?-“

“Any bruises??-“

BRO HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN- THERES A DRAGON OUTSIDE.

she fed the thing some food. 😍

HER LEARNING ANY LANGUAGE IS CANON. IDC WHAT PEOPLE SAY.

Doesn’t exactly watch any movies but if your around. YES!

She finds it awkward watching her parents dance like “dad :C.. “ and then as soon as her mom joins in she’s like “ moooom!! D:”

she’ll ask if you want to dance afterwards like- learnt most of it from watching her parents.

She can play the piano 😍😍

You can play guitar.

First kiss with you! She kisses you first, you kiss her back, she kisses you once again.

her parents love having you around the place💕

Are make out sessions ever going to be a thing?

Not until you both are 18 buddy😞

or even better, not until your both 40. (PARENTS RULES!)

or maybe not?? (That’s a rhetorical question, don’t answer it.)

she’ll hold you until you fall asleep.

Cuddling in bed is a MUST.

your laying on her thighs because like- AAAA 😍😍

kisses on the palm of you hand and the back as if she treats you like a Princess.

SUCH A SWEETIE!!

Love her little smile (Malia as well!)

EDIT APPRECIATION DAY ⬇️

[phefics]

congrats my darling!! you deserve it 🥺

🍪 could i request a nsfw alphabet with robin? 💖

𝐨𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐚’𝐬 𝟏𝐤 𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 // omg tysm love, of course u can!!! i have answered a few of these questions about her so i just copy-n-pasted my previous answers for some xoxo

a: aftercare (what they’re like after sex) very cuddly, rambles a lot about how much fun it was and how hot you are, giggles at the messy sheets, and probably wants to stay up talking after.

b: body part (their favourite body part of theirs/their partner’s) to quote steve harrington, "you like boobies" ... robin likes boobies but also thighs.

c: cum (anything to do with cum basically) robin gets really wet, which she initially thought was a bad thing until you assure her that it's a really good thing.

d: dirty secret (a dirty secret of theirs) the obvious answer would just be her liking girls but if you’re fucking her, you already know that, sooo i’d say its maybe her inexperience - robin prides herself on her intelligence and ability to get shit done regardless of her nerves, but admitting that she has never even kissed anyone is something she would be embarrassed to do, especially if she’s trying to impress you

e: experience (how experienced are they?) she is completely inexperienced, like, has never even kissed a girl before you!

f: favorite position (this goes without saying) robin likes to have you sit on her face, or to just lay between your thighs. if a strap is involved, she likes to fuck with whoever's being penetrated on top.

g: goofy (are they more serious/humorous?) tries to be serious but ends up giggling and being silly

h: hair (how well groomed are they are, etc.) robin isn't big on shaving but she does definitely keep herself trimmed.

i: intimacy (how they are during the moment) robin is giggly, talkative, and completely lovestruck.

j: jack off (masturbation headcanons) robin really doesn't masturbate?? she's inexperienced and a little behind when it comes to sexual awakenings - she figured out she was a lesbian like two years ago, ok?? and she doesn't really understand...how...and would probably need to read it in a book or have it demonstrated on her.

k: kink (one or more of their kinks) personally, i don’t see robin as super kinky, or at least, she’s not super experienced/informed and therefore wouldn’t know much about what she’s into. however, i can see her being into dom/sub dynamics (i think she’s more of a sub) and some of the more common things like edging and praise. i also think she has a tickle kink but that is just me projecting ajdkdjkdf...

l: location (favorite places to do it) robin would never risk getting caught in public, for many reasons, so her favorite place to do it is in bed - classic, comfortable, intimate, and safe from prying eyes

m: motivation (what turns them on, gets them going?) robin is turned on by just about everything you do, but she is motivated by the idea of pleasuring you, like, getting down on her knees to go down on you like a woman starved. she has a people-pleasing tendancy that definitely extends to the bedroom.

n: no (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) robin doesn't like behind restrained or hurt in the bedroom, mostly because of the whole russian spy thing, but even without the added trauma, it just really isn't her thing.

o: oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) robin loves oral sex from both ends. she prefers it to fingering and before getting more sexually involved, i feel like she didn't really consider that straps were a thing and assumed oral was the best-case scenario.

p: pace (are they fast and rough/slow and sensual?) robin likes to take things slow. when she's nervous, her instinct is to be frenzied, so she prefers to calm herself and do everything slow to savor it.

q: quickie (their opinions on quickies) robin prefers to just have sex in a more typical, vanilla way. in bed, take things slow, lots of kisses...so nah, quickies aren't her thing.

r: risk (are they game to experiment?) robin is down to experiment with most things, but she prefers to stay in her comfort zone most of the time, since sex is still new and intimdating for her.

s: stamina (how many rounds can they go for/long do they last?) robin is able to go for a long time, and can have multiple orgasms like most vagina-owners can - she can keep at it for a while.

t: toy (do they own toys/use them? on a partner/themselves?) robin is rlly into toys!! she loves strap-ons, whether that’s being fucked by one or fucking someone else. vibrators are also great, she has a tiny one of her own that she masturbates with, but using it with a partner would unlock a whole new world of fun!!

u: unfair (how much they like to tease) robin isn't good at trying to be a tease, because she will likely give in before her partner, lol.

v: volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make) robin is loud and talks a lot, she can’t help it - it’s sometimes nervous rambling and sometimes mindless babbling from pleasure

w: wild card (a random headcanon) self-indulgent one here, apologies - robin is super ticklish and often will accidentally laugh and twitch during sex when you touch her too gently or in a senstive spot. luckily, that isn't a turn-off for her, it just flusters her, so if you didn't mind, it could be something fun to play with...

x: x-ray (let’s see what’s going on in those pants) robin has a pretty bush, it's dark and doesn't match the curtains yknow?? her pussy is a dark pink and gets wet so easily, she's almost always glistening by the time her pants are off and you can spread her lips...

y: yearning (how high is their sex drive?) robin has been yearning for a relationship for so long, when she finally has it, she wants to fuck whenever humanly possible. it's not even that her sex drive is high, it's more like trying to make up for lost time.

z: zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) robin is pretty hyper and struggles to sleep most nights anyway, and sex doesn't really tire her out as much as it probably should, so she'll be down to stay up and hang out afterwards.

[onyxino]

Happy birthday, Aizen!

For Aizen's birthday here is some headcanons. Some SFW but its mostly just filth.

CW: Creampie. Oral F receiving. AFAB reader x Aizen. Dom/Sub dynamics used. Aizen is a whole warning himself. Slightly creepy and toxic Aizen. Panty sniffing and stealing. Cum play. Praise. Talk of sexual orientation. MDNI!!

Proof read like 3 times but my eyes fail me quite a bit

WC:1200

Safe For Work

I wholeheartedly believe that Sosuke is 100% capable of love. He just wouldn’t be able to recognize the emotion at first and would have a really big internal conflict regarding the matter. I think initially he would have the issue of not being able to tell the difference between obsession and love. Once he's finally figured out what he's feeling he’s now faced with the new issue of showing it because saying it is absolutely out of the question.

To expand further on my last headcanon, let's talk about Sosuke’s love languages! He has two forms of love language.

First would be gift giving. I think Sosuke would be very big into giving you anything you wanted as a sign of love. He believes you deserve nothing but the best so why not give it to you! You eye something at the mall for a little too long? Congrats, it’s yours now! Don’t even try to protest it belongs to you now so just take it. You do deserve the best after all.

Second form of Sosuke’s love language would most definitely have to be words of praise and affirmations. This man may have the hardest time saying those 3 big words but he will praise you from dusk to dawn.

“You’re doing just splendid, Dear. I’m quite pleased with your progress.” He says as he tucks a damp piece of hair behind your sweaty ear. This new training regiment he has you on is a killer but his words fuel you to keep going.

I plan to expand more on this in the NSFW portion! 

I definitely believe that Aizen would not use Kyoka Suigetsu on you. I can only see him using it on you in an event where it may be needed to protect you or prevent you from risking your own life if it came down to it. 

This man is the definition of LOYAL. Do not fret this man will not cheat. You’ll actually have the issue of him not leaving your side. In the world of the living, you want his phone? It's yours,  I mean you already know the password so just ask for it and he’ll hand it over. He will be a little upset that you don’t trust him but he understands you’ve probably been hurt before but believe me he will be asking for your phone in return.

I know a lot of these have been very wholesome but don’t get me wrong this is Sosuke AIzen we are talking about. He can and will be T O X I C. He has jealousy issues, make sure you aren’t talking to the pesky candy shop owner for too long or else you’ll be in trouble.

I believe he has the tendency to stalk as well. Trust me that man could tell you EXACTLY where you were at 12:30pm on July,3rd,2023. Even if you don’t remember he does.

Not Safe For Work

Sosuke Aizen is uncut. Plain and simple.

I headcanon him to be pansexual. I believe Sosuke has had experience with men, women and non-binary/androgynous people as well. I also do believe while he is pansexual and has had experience with all genders that he does have a preference. I can really see him being into Non-binary/Androgynous AFAB people. Honestly though if he likes you, he likes you and it doesn’t matter what kind of genitalia you have. I also believe that at one point in time even for a small amount of time he had a thing for Shinji Hirako (or maybe that's too self indulgent and I just want them to hate fuck.) 

While I do say he has had experience with people of all genders, I do not believe that Sosuke Aizen sleeps around. While being experienced he’s only had a few past partners for a couple of reasons. First being that he just doesn’t have time for such conquests due to being too busy with his plan for being the one at the top and all. Second being that Aizen only sleeps with people that he has a fondness for and for him it takes a long time to build up that trust. Being that naked and vulnerable around someone he barely knows just does not interest him at all. 

Sosuke is a dom at heart but he wouldn't mind (he actually really craves) soft and tender sex without the use of dom/sub dynamic. 

Sosuke has a huge thing for cum play. He loves the idea of covering you in his cum, it’s some sort of primal way for him to mark you as his. He also loves stuffing you full, creampie after creampie and then seeing it spill out of you drives him absolutely mad. Him knowing that you're so full of his cum that it's ruining your underwear and dribbling down your thighs as you go about your daily tasks gets him off.

To expand further on this it’s not just his cum he’s obsessed with it’s yours too. He loves when you squirt on his face as he’s eating you out, it does his ego wonders and on top of it all you taste like heaven to him. He is also absolutely in love with the sight of you creaming on cock, seeing that white ring of cum appear at the base of dick is just another thing that gets him off and feeds his already obese ego.

Sosuke Aizen love love loves to talk and that doesn’t change during sex either. He is very very vocal. He is the kind of man to talk you through it. He loves to deliver praise (In the most condescending way possible) as much he loves to degrade you.

“C’mon now, you can take it.” He coos in an almost praising yet degrading way as he cups your cheek in his soft yet calloused hand.

He has you on your back, tears staining your rosy cheeks. He’s halfway buried in you, if people saw you right now they’d think this was your first time taking his cock. Oh man, that couldn't be further from the truth, you swear every time up and down it will never fit. Every time you are proved wrong.

He pushes himself into you a little more, this earns him a whine that tumbles from your lips as you feel his girth stretch you out.

“That’s it, you’re doing so well. Now be good and take the rest of me, yeah? I know you can.” He says leaning down to bury his face into your neck. Then snapping his hips forward in one switch motion he’s sheathing himself completely inside of you. 

A strangled moan tears itself from your throat as you adjust to him. You take it now and you take it every time because Sosuke wouldn’t dare speak words to you that he knew to be falsehoods.

Sosuke is a panty sniffer/stealer. If you think you’re leaving your encounter with him with your underwear you’d be so wrong. It’s a trophy to him, a token of your memory for him as he sits on the edge of his bed stroking his length later that night after you’ve left. Wadded up fabric clutched in his hand pressing against his nose as he breathes deeply.

Bonus: He is definitely guilty of cumming in your underwear and forcing you to wear them all day.

Thanks for reading, I don't write often but i sure enjoy sharing when I do!

Tag list: @stygianoir @muzansfangs

[cdroloisms]

I find it strange that a lot of people are coming forward and saying that the staged finale was a bad play for one reason or another but it really isn’t and I don’t understand where the hate is coming from.

yeah i've seen some of this the last few days--staged finale has always been somewhat "controversial" in the lorehead scene, so a measure of disagreement/discourse about it makes sense. especially bc it was honestly a very big change to what people thought was the story and required people to go back and reevaluate a lot, which. people are naturally resistant at doing

but while obviously i think that some healthy discussion about these things is good, and i feel like i have seen a level of...misunderstanding? about it?? which has gone into the ways that people disagree

staged finale refers to the decision to stage the finale. that's it. staged finale just asserts that based on preexisting foreshadowing and based on the sheer level of suspension of disbelief in order for genuine finale to be real, it made more sense for the finale to be staged than for it to have been genuine. how the finale was planned, when the finale was planned, and to what ends it was planned are all things that you can disagree on w/ other staged finale believers/supporters while still being a staged finale believer/supporter, ykwim? if you believe that c!punz faked his betrayal to c!dream, then congrats! you believe in staged finale. oftentimes i see people say things like "i don't believe in staged finale, i think that c!dream faked the betrayal and all and always had c!punz on his side but i think that the reason behind why he did it is [X]" and it's like. staging the finale is one (1) event, not a comprehensive explanation for everything c!Dream does. that would be more in line with something like the "strategist dream interpretation," which in itself does have different readings as well.

people have listed all of the inconsistencies in the staged finale before, but just to summarize--the guy literally could've dipped when everyone came to "defeat" him, c!tommy leveraging his own life is basically no leverage at all when the mans has the revive book, skeppy cage is a joke, c!dream revealing all of his plans when they were maybe 10% carried out (the entire damn attachment vault was empty of items besides stuff that was literally faked, his own damn stuff, and stuff that he stole recently from c!tommy such as the Axe of Peace and the discs) is ridiculously stupid, why the hell does he have blackmail against c!punz included in a bunker that c!punz clearly had access to???? the list goes on.

(as someone who took awhile to be fully convinced in staged finale, what really tripped me up was the stream punz did the day before: here's a post breaking it down that definitely helped me to see it in a different light.)

as far as foreshadowing goes, just off the top of my head: the original prisoner is a constant question from the day of the prison's creation, being something that's even highlighted on the day of the staged finale itself. c!Dream saying he has "the biggest house on the server" and how it's full of redstone. the entire conversation he has with c!punz, obviously. his holding back on the favor with c!techno, the connection between the revive book and the prison that he establishes the day they begin prison construction.

from a logical perspective, the plan as c!Dream establishes it doesn't make any damn sense. c!dream had opportunities to escape that he didn't take for illogical reasons (if the only reason why he allowed himself to stay in a fucking possible kill chamber was to keep c!tommy from committing suicide, then? what about the revive book? what about the fact that he literally kills c!tommy just a few months later????) -- a level of plot contrivance is expected in the medium, but for a lot of people this was just. Going way too far. Unless he literally lost his whole mind (which, to be fair, was the persona being played) there's just. really no other way to make sense of what was going on there, if it was all genuine.

the other argument is a narrative one--people claim that the story established by a genuine finale is cleaner than the story of the staged one, and honestly. it's like. like that's...a feature, not a flaw? the reason why the genuine finale worked isn't because it was logically believable. dream is Dream Manhunt. he's famously hard to nail down, famously good at escaping sticky situations, famously a man that can outsmart his way out of crazy disadvantageous situations--like. just in terms of minecraft skill, i'd wager that most people would think that dream would've technically been able to pull off an escape even when facing down the collection of enemies that were there. like he had 2 stacks of pearls.

narratively, though, the staged finale has a story that's quite appealing on the surface. the "story" of the events from the spirit speech onwards is one that revolved around the idea of "attachment." c!Dream rejects attachment in favor of control in the spirit speech when he says he refuses to let his love for his dead pet control him anymore, and he focuses on the ability to use the discs to control c!Tommy. the fact that c!Dream's relationships deteriorate at this time seems to support this point, and c!Tommy's strength in his relationships being what saves him and damns c!Dream ties everything off into a neat bow. c!Tommy wins because he has friends and c!Dream loses because he doesn't, moral of the story established, hip-hip-hooray. And so it goes.

but when we look at this more in specifics...? it does start falling apart a bit, doesn't it?

although c!Dream supposedly begins his rampage over his existing emotional connections with the spirit speech, his reputation had been in shambles long before that point. c!Dream-as-villain is first established as part of the greater story in the lmanburg revolution, and that's a title that he never really sheds (this point being emphasized in inconsolable differences and the book c!Wilbur has c!Dream write.) Dethronement happens within a day of Spirit Speech, iirc, and on that day c!Quackity specifically points out that c!Dream has no one on his side but c!Punz. the moments where he is more specifically isolated go back to events such as november 16th, where his alliance with c!Wilbur involved blowing up L'manburg, his deal for the revive book, which involved his publicly betraying Pogtopia, or his opposing Manberg to the literal Manberg cabinet. etc. all of these events in the Manberg/Pogtopia era had c!Dream's loyalties erode to end up as just c!Wilbur and later c!Schlatt for the book, two dead men. (and i say eroded loyalties as if pogtopia really believed dream was on their side, like, ever? like he was never trusted in their ranks, even by c!Tommy, who was definitely the person he worked the closest with outside of c!Wilbur.)

if we look at Dethronement itself, it doesn't actually fit the pattern of "c!Dream cuts off his attachment to people in order to make himself uncontrollable" -- in fact, what it does fit the pattern of is. Staged finale? Faking an end in a relationship with people that he does consider important to him, making a public appearance of betrayal + anger to mask an existing connection, drawing attention to their being enemies to hide the fact that they're actually friends--that's not c!Dream cutting anyone off. That's just the exact same ploy that he uses to make people think that c!Punz betrays him (only c!Sapnap and c!George ended up deciding that Nah We're Gonna Kill You Now. Fuck You It's Coup Time. so that's how that ended up.)

Otherwise there's...the Badlands, who were perfectly happy to agree to joining the coup on the day of dethronement if it got them more power and land. c!Techno, who c!Dream wasn't an ally of until later on with the favor established and then doomsday, and who was someone c!Dream was quite openly wary of + afraid of due to his combat skill. c!Dream was alone literally before exile even happened, his remaining "attachments" of c!George and c!Sapnap turning against him like the day he goes on a whole spiel about ohhoho from today onwards i DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY ATTACHMENTS !!! I ONLY CARE ABOUT THE DISCS !!! like congrats you don't even have a chance to cut off any attachment at all dingus they all hate you and want you dead already.

further, with c!punz, he literally says that they're more than just employer/employee in the infamous conversation they have about planning a betrayal. if the whole point of the story is "attachment good," then why is it that what takes down c!dream is...his one remaining attachment? if his fatal flaw is that he didn't trust people enough, why is it that he loses because he trusted someone too much? it's not like c!tommy had any attachment to c!punz--c!punz explicitly "has a reason" to betray c!dream because of money. he helps c!tommy because dream "should have paid [him] more." none of that reflects that spirit of "attachment" that people claim was c!dream's downfall.

(not to mention how the people present in the staged finale to take c!dream down included people who literally hated c!tommy's guts. like. what brought them together wasn't the power of friendship, it was the power of we hate this green bastard.)

this isn't to say that c!Dream didn't have some relationships that go up in flames because he starts acting particularly cackling evil villain (with the green festival being the specific moment where he really goes full in with that persona, going from someone that was framing himself as having a Reasonable Complaint to literally the joker as soon as he gets the disc from c!Tubbo. It's purposefully played as a "mask off" moment that is meant to make him look like a crazy fucking villain in front of a large audience--whether or not you think that was a choice that he made in character or not, the way his personality changes as soon as he receives the disc is jarring.) In particular, his relationships with c!Puffy and c!Sam come to mind--c!Puffy burns the house she made him when she decides that he's too evil (but, uh, c!dream really wasn't even there for that and didn't ever have a particularly close relationship with her) and c!Sam is among those whose opinions of c!Dream become drastically more negative around the period of time that spans green festival->doomsday->staged finale. but it's important to note that c!Dream's relationships on the server aren't...great, at the time of spirit speech. They're uh, really fucking bad, actually. dethronement only makes them even worse, and all of this happens pre-exile. c!Dream had significant reason to be paranoid and afraid for his life long before exile happens, which is Quite Significant, Actually, when you consider that that paranoia is literally what goes into his decisions to carry out the staged finale + put himself in the prison (which isn't the case for genuine finale, where he's more motivated by a desire to control the server without being controlled himself.) staged finale does solidify c!dream-as-villain for a lot of people, but it never would've worked if people didn't already see him as a villain in the first place. c!Dream doesn't make people hate him with the staged finale; he uses hatred that he already knows exists to put himself in what he sees as a safer position.

and look we could go into a whole discussion about manberg/pogtopia c!Dream (which i do think is way overdue to be fair considering that that's where the paranoia + isolation that motivates him post-november 16th comes from in the first place) but this post is long enough already and i still have to figure out a better way to articulate my thoughts on the matter. anyway. carrying on:

people still have different feelings on why he carries out staged finale in the first place, but what we do know for sure is that it was meant to protect punz and protect the revive book. by firmly establishing that c!punz and him were on opposite sides, he keeps the revive book safe and both of their lives safe by extension: as long as no one would kill both of them at the same time, they had a means of reviving the other if need be and obviously had the information on how to raise people from the dead secure. which was important to them. and otherwise...c!Dream is paranoid. c!Dream is very, very paranoid, and this paranoia goes back at the very least to when he learns about the revive book. the prison, for all the dependence that it required of him, was tailor made (and the construction process controlled by dream every damn step of the way) to make sure that whoever was in the main cell would be safe from external threats. the security of the prison and the prisoner was the POINT. i've seen some assertions that staged finale implies that he predicted everything that happened after he was put in prison and...no? i'd say that c!dream's behavior indicates him being thrown off by c!sam as early as bad's prison visit, c!sapnap's prison visit for sure. c!Ranboo being banned from visitation pretty damn obviously fucks him up, tbh. he has c!punz explicitly out there to keep an eye out on the server while he's in the prison, where he was meant to remain for a period of time that was supposed to be much shorter than how long he ends up being there. likely because, you know, he was supposed to have a consistent and reliable source of information with the outside world in the form of c!Ranboo, and c!sam wasn't supposed to fall off the fucking rails as soon as the prison started. people have also talked about how having the staged finale be true means that c!dream doesn't lose, which...i mean. gestures at the prison arc? that whole thing is a loss so catastrophic it literally destroys him. he's never the same after the prison happens. the false betrayal of c!punz is deliberately like ironically described to c!sam, who was the REAL betrayal that fucking. ruins him. he loses SO MUCH over the course of the prison, which was something he literally designed to keep himself safe from external threat. as far as losses go, i definitely find that a lot more compelling and a lot less contrived than watching c!dream go "whoop de doo guess i have to die now" when he's like 3 pearls away from making a clean escape in the disc vault, tbh.

at the end of the day, i think having some conversation about staged finale is fun! and it's always good to reexamine what you believe to make sure that it still holds water. but i've really not seen much staged finale crit that makes the genuine finale feel favorable as an explanation: logically, it makes a lot less sense. narratively, it relies on a story that the audience wants to be true and acts as a "clean" explanation for everything while not actually taking into account a lot of what was ACTUALLY going on for c!dream (cutting off attachments for the sake of control versus watching people turn against you and becoming increasingly paranoid, for example). and believe them or not, the content creators involved have always asserted that staged finale was the plan from the beginning, not any form of retcon. (and we do know that people have been dodgy about stuff like the "original prisoner" literally since the week that c!dream was imprisoned, so take that as you will.) (okay to be fair theyve been dodgy about the original prisoner since the day that the prison began to be constructed, but the QnA from that first week of imprisonment sticks out to me in particular because cc!Sam had the biggest fucking smile on his face and staged finale would've been planned out and then carried out in entirety by the ccs and the c!s by that point.)

this is a longass post but uh hopefully it makes sense, lmao. tried to touch on most of what i've seen recently 😅

[gor3sigil]

hi i dont really know how to introduce myself, so i hope you dont mind if i skip that part.

i just wanted to ask about that post you made a few days ago. in one of the last paragraphs you mention how hatching is painful. but is it supposed to feel like my entire world is cracking apart around me?

what you mentioned in the beginning of the post, about how the people around you felt about masculinity, that very aptly describes a lot of my fears of reactions to me identifying as masculine, which is what started me crying and ultimately spurred me to message you.

im just so scared

i have lots of trans people in my life, i just dont know how to talk about this with most of them (see: Very Scary :C) ive spent my whole life using femininity to take down peoples walls and help them feel comfortable around me. what the hell am i supposed to do as man? can i even still behave that way? will people even still trust me? will they like me? will they feel safe around me? its unbearable. every time i think about it my brain tries to run away, there's just so much fear.

is this normal at all? to be scared like this? i mean, considering i too struggle with the radical feminist narrative you mentioned? i dont believe the narrative, but i fear it. and then i get insecure and i cant stop thinking the insecurity an indication that manhood is the wrong direction for me.

am i making any sense?

Hi, it must've taken lots of strength to write all this so congrats to you. My answer will be based on my own experiences so take it with a grains of salt. Yeah, your world will definitely shatter too. Because even if you're just socially transitionning, if you do so while being surrounded by trans friends, most of them will change the way they percieve you so your interactions may change. I know that's scary, but you have to trust the process. If they're good friends, they won't like you less or anything. That's the hardest part I think. As you read in my post, coming ot made me lose tons of friends, most of them trans, because they treated me badly after I came out.

And yes, you are making sense. I went through the exact same fears as you. The fear of not being deemed as safe anymore. Unfortunately, I don't really have any solutions to offer you, appart from building your own community, online and/or IRL. Like I said, most of my trans friends were kinda crappy about me being masc and I struggled for years to feel comfortable in my masculinity as a result. Because I did the same as you, me being a "woman" was my way of saying that I understood the struggles of others and was safe. Let me stress one thing. You are still okay, you're not a bad person. Even if you discover new things about yourself, even if you're transmasc, even if you're transitionning (if you do), you are still very much the same person as before, with your understanding of a number of issues, with your own pas experiences.

It's a point I really can't stress enough. As I said in my post, you are still worthy of love, support, tenderness, being understood, being heard, being listened to, being comforted. One thing I noticed is that my previous friend tended to dismiss my feelings and/or be "rough" with me thinking that it was "affirming" because I was a man now. Let me tell you that that's BS and don't let anyone treat you this way.

Maybe try to test the water, idk if you came out already or not but maybe in your presentation or just by talking about transmasc specific issues with them, see how they react. That being said, I really do hope that your friends will be understanding. Or that by explaining to them how their behavior is wrong they will understand and act differently, because sometimes people so shit cause they don't know any better. I hope this helps, and I really wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out again. Take care.

[nikitasys]

LIFE WITHOUT FILTER AS A TRAUMAGENIC POLYFRAG+PARTIALLY PROGRAMMED DID SYSTEM

TW : vent, rant, ramcoa, programming, su!c!de mention

(I'm in desperate need for advice, for some kind of guidance or support from other progged systems who may have gone through something similar to what we're describing in this post, or not but who may have ideas of what might be going on with us.)

I stg life has been so exhausting & I just have to unmask & say it SOMEWHERE.

We're a relatively newly discovered+diagnosed system since I realised we were one in August/September of last year (2023). Before that we had been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder for several years.

When I first realised we were multiple, I progressively began discovering the other alters. The whole process (we're also in trauma therapy) was difficult & messy but overall as days went by I personally felt more & more satisfied to see/feel how much progress we were making, even with all the highs & lows it entailed. I got to meet & learn to know a few alters, we were able to work on some of our problematic in-sys dynamics & slowly but surely understand ourselves better, both as individuals & as a whole.

Long story short, we were PROGRESSING.

Then things got even messier as our trauma therapy caused even more lifting of the dissociative amnesia in our childhood & we progressively realised we were polyfrag & had been through RAMCOA & programming. (That happened end of February/beginning of March 2024)

The whole process was getting more & more chaotic & distressful but we (me + the rest of our group of main fronters) were pretty determined to figure things out & keep on going forward, which was extremely annoying to a bunch of programmed alters who immediately tried their best to keep us quiet/isolated & make us feel insane/terrified by trying to make us go back to our primary abuser, OR convince our psychiatrist to put us on antipsychotics & hospitalise us, OR leave the place we live in to go who-knows-where & ghost everyone we knew, OR off ourself etc... in a nutshell, it was really freaking hard.

But some of us were determined to keep trying to do what was best for us, to keep trying to get better, to gain at least some kind of free will, to LIVE.

I'm sorry, this post is way too long.

But anyway, now it's been a few months since I just don't know what's going on with us anymore. The veryyyy little visualisation I could have of our innerworld is gone, all the main fronters seem to have truly disappeared (mass dormancy?) as well as the vast majority of alters we had identified up to this day. It seemed that I was frontstuck for a long while, & now it's been a few weeks that alters just randomly pop up (whether they front or stay co-conscious) & then disappear almost immediately after as if nothing had happened & I just... I feel so lost.

It's all just so frustrating you know ? To me it truly feels like something MAJOR happened inside both to our innerworld + all the alters & I'm being deliberately locked away from the truth of what it is. I feel like I'm being punished, & tbh I probably am. I'm in a lot of denial about our programming but the whole thing definitely feels like one (or more ?) internal handler/programmer has been orchestrating some kind of system reboot or hardcore scramble or... I DON'T KNOOOW 😭 I just don't know anything anymore. It's like nothing ever happened & it's particularly distressing, you know ? It is SO weird to know deep down that massive stuff is going on inside yourself but at the same time you know nothing & it all makes me wonder if I ever knew anything in the first place ? These thoughts make me dizzy af. It just feels like since syscovery there was overall progress happening, & now there's just nothing. As if everything had been suddenly turned off & restarted or... I just don't know.

Anyway. I realise no one will read this post entirely, but if for some reason you are doing it, first of all congrats & also, THANK YOU.

Don't hesitate to contact us via DMs or comment if you have any questions or advice, we'll be more than happy to answer you to the best of our abilities. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR HELP 🙏🏻

— host (I think?)

[transgenderastarion]

hello baldurs gate 3 community again: This time im talking about modding!

hello adventurers and shifty-eyed people, I bring to you some important stuff. Mod compilations! Below the cut, if you are interested, I have compiled a few things for what I think the bg3 tumblr modding community wants (based on me being in the tag for a month straight). Things I have compiled include: - Super basic install of baldur's gate 3 mod manager (and a bit of vortex) (9 Easy Steps!) - My OWN special "Computer helper" mod bundle with super easy installations (helps it run on my piece of crap laptop who hates me so much but I love her <3) - Companion and player mods (visuals only, and like de-ab-ing and stuff, I'm not going around adding all the extra eye colour mods) INCLUDING TRANS TOP SCARS AND DADBOD MODS + MORE - Some personal favourite mods that really helped enhance my experience. Enjoy! (if you enjoy bg3 modding, please consider reblogging because I think posts with links are still shadowbanned in the tag lol)

HOW TO GET THE MOD LOADER FOR BG3 IN 3 EASY STEPS

go to the github download page and scroll down until you see the first downloadable file that reads "BG3ModManager_Lastest.zip"

extract the file into an accessible area (your downloads folder should work fine, I just put it on my desktop) (just anything that won't require you to give admin permissions to download it. I would also keep this off Local Disc (C:) for convenience) You can use any free extractor program, 7zip works, i used to use Peazip and now I use Breezip and that works well.

Tada! You should have an open folder in your extracted location. 2 things may happen here: You will get the extracted folder with the other documents inside. Congrats, you're done! If you have an extracted folder with ONLY the .exe file in it, go back into the zip file and drag the other files into the folder. This should fix the problem, all files from the zip need to be there to work.

(OPTIONAL) you CAN use Vortex mod manager to manage your bg3 mods on there, in which case any nexusmods mod will have a direct download button for you. Personally I have my subnautica mods loaded from there so bg3 is unavailable.

HOW TO MOD BALDURS GATE 6 IN EASY STEPS + SCRIPT EXTENDER

Make sure you have Baldur's Gate 3 Installed. I have it on steam, I don't know how to help with EA, sorry.

open your file explorer/documents. Go to Admin -> AppData -> Local -> Larian Studios* -> Baldur's Gate 3 (leave launcher alone). Create a mods folder if you don't already have one, but one should have been created on your first bootup. DO NOT CLOSE THIS TAB. THIS TAB STAYS OPEN UNTIL YOU ARE DONE MODDING. * I also just search Larian Studios in Local Disc (C:) but that does take some time to load

Congrats, you're ready to mod! Now, most good mods will need something called the Baldur's Gate 3 Script Extender. You can find the download page here, and this time you're going to hit the green "code" button. Ignore everything else. Hit download zip

Extract the file again, but this time into Local Disc (C:) -> Program Files (86x) -> Steam -> Steamapps -> common -> Baldur's Gate 3 -> bin* ** * MAKE SURE to extract it to the bin folder. Some other mesh and texture mods use the data bin, so confusing them is bad. ** you CAN directly extract the folder to the bin, but I personally find it easier to extract the zip back into downloads, then open my other file explorer and click and drag the whole extracted file into the bin folder

The fun part begins! Go find some mods you like (nexusmods mostly, gamebanana MAY have some). Extract folder to your mods folder in larian studios -> baldur's gate 3 -> mods. ONLY DRAG THE .PCK FILE. YOU DO NOT NEED ANY OTHER FILES UNLESS THE MOD MAKER SAYS SO.

USING THE MOD LOADER: you are done with file explorers! Go ahead and boot up the bg3modmanager.exe file from earlier. Any INACTIVE MODS must be CLICKED AND DRAGGED over to the ACTIVE MODS side. If you don't see any mods, hit the blue circle refresh button. After that, hit the "export order to game" button right beside "export". If you see a green popup at the bottom, you are good to go!

All done! You are now on your modding journey! (if you have any outlying problems, my dms are open and there is a whole host of modders out there with answers!)

NOW TO THE FUN PART: MOD PACKS!

My own Game Optimizer Pack (basic): includes General Fixes (general bug fixes), Improved UI & Improved UI Assets (necessary for customization mods), and Mod Fixer (necessary for mods to work) *you CAN download all of these files individually from https://www.nexusmods.com but this is basically. a short version of that.

My own Game Optimizer Pack (deluxe): includes all previous mods as well as 5e Spells (spell fixer), Additional Backgrounds, Customizer Compendium, Show approval ratings in dialogue, Purchase camp clothes from merchants, Tav's hairpack

COMPANION MODS:

No Abs for companions/pcs

"oops all futas" (all female companions have penises, if you want like an all transfem run or something)

Customizable Origins (lets you customize if you play as an origin character)

Astarion:

Astarion Moles and blemishes mod

Vampire Ascendant (ability fixer mod)

TAV MODS:

Freckles and Moles as Tattoo replacers

Trip's Accessory Collection (has glasses & monacles)

Ophelia's Body Shop (top heavy/bottom heavy/chubby body alternatives)

Stronger Tav - Muscular Upper Body Mod

Top Surgery Scars

Alternate Top Surgery Scars mod for bodys 1 and 3

Strongfat body - humans and half orcs

Tav's Dadbod Mod

Softie Body - Tiefling 2

New Eye Colours and Blindess for all eyes

Transmasc Clothing options

Actually feminine and lore friendly dragonborn legs

Femme obese dragonborn body (no clothing options developed yet)

Chubby/thick/bbw body mods and clothes

Big gut dragonborn (male)

Female muscle mod

Less defined abs for male bodies

Game Enhancing Mods that I recommend! (if I have one marked starting spoiler! just. just download it and ad it just trust me dont look to far into it I promise it will be good. If I have one marked late spoiler! you can look at it and decide if you want it or later)

Faithful & Faithless - no mandatory choice of god

Mundane Blindfold (one eye cover)

No Romance Limit (polyamory mod)

highlight everything tooltip

Party Limit begone

No more spiders (all spider models replaced with dogs)

Ritual spells for rp fun

Colourblind friendly spell slots

Camp event notifications

Autosaver/Save timer (GET THIS IT SAVED MY LIFE SO MUCH)

Histories & Occupations - new backgrounds

Scratch colour variety (late spoiler!/not spoiler heavy)

Just Story (for those who just want the story. every enemy has 1 hp)

Wyll's Devil Form (starting spoiler!)

Eyes of the beholder (eye alts + scleras)

[vvvvvvvvvvw]

your art is so pretty and attractive congrats on the beautiful practice!

not sure what you mean by practice but ty a lot for the kind words more people should do that yknow im so busy with life cant do shit rn sad af no draw no c ool spots to take pictures i find mfs like u really interesting gang im not even gonna lie this like a personal thing for me you get what im sayign like a whole vide u feel me whats crazy is like you dont just go around into everyones page and leave a cool little message like that do you like you saw my art and went to it not gonna even lie gang thats aplomb fr straight up funky and awesomesauce snazzy in a spiffy way with crumb on top apple pie style typa way ong whats up with the practice comment tho no idea tf that supose to mean fr cant sweat it tho sure thats like a nice thing ivse supose to get but dindt sorry frrr🙏🙏🙏whats really crazy is that you realy just wrote me a whole targeted compliment i dont get those irl you get me like i apreciatee you fr didnt think you hungrry like that gang find youself something to eat likego open the frige or smth this aint a fridge this is the internet you know what im saying this shit taste insane tho shit wild seafood pasta uk what im on this shit actualy market price u feel me its liek a whole personal vibe uknow you seen any tarkovsky movies tho shits insane gotta watch those gang ive been to a mental institution not too long ago no internet there ufeel me fam brought haruki murakami books and he ate fr good ass books you ever read on some gravity's rainbow that shit insane tho i liked it like damn who writes like that ever watch some akira kurosawa gotta get on that snipe tf i bought minecraft for tho i aint got nobody to play with fuckyoumean?? anywho tf im on thank you for realsies some thing in the woods i aint step a foot in there tho only for mushroom season probs whatevs like thanks again sib

[imsailorpluto]

True Beauty: Kang Sujin character reconstruction

They did out bestie so dirty in this drama, it's time to clean up writer's mess. I don't think Sujin ever deserved such overkill. Turning her into a villain way after the opportunity window closed was so pathetic. Massacring this heroine in such a cliché way calls for serious damage repair, so let's goooo.

Disclaimer: I'm not a writer and this is my first fic ever. English is not my first language, sorry for eventual mistakes. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.♡ the story sounds better in my head but what can we do Thanks @youlookprettywithoutmakeup for sending in a request for Seojun x Sujin content. Also a big thank you to the gifmakers who blessed us all with this inspirational seojun x sujin perfection!

TW: angst, losing friends, mentions of bullying, verbal violence and family abuse

Seojun x Sujin angst

After Sujin moved to the States, the real truth behind that bullying video came out. It was never Sujin's doing, but she left all her friends believe what they wanted. Her life was pretty much crumbling down from the abuse back home and her parents' divorce lawsuit. It felt like the whole world turned its back on her. The final blow was when Seojun accused her of posting that bullying video of Jukyung. Then Jukyung facing her about it, too. Being the only one who's always had her friends' backs, she was hurting more than ever.

- Fine, Seojun, let it be me. Does it even matter? I'm the bad guy. Nobody trusts me. Not even you. I could bend over backwards defending myself for something I never did and it won't change a single thing.

- Something you never did? Get over yourself, Sujin. I know how you feel about Suho.

- Wait, do you seriously think I'd do something as disgusting as that because of a guy?

Seojun smirked hearing those words, shaking his head in disbelief.

- And since when do you think I have feelings for Suho??? Don't you know me?

- Obviously I don't.

They stood there, staring at each other in silence. Sujin's heart was breaking into a million pieces, but she wasn't showing any emotion. Seojun was cruel, even if he didn't mean to be this way. His constant hot and cold behavior towards Sujin confused her, but after he started showing interest in Jukyung, she gave up on him.

-Sujin, I went to Yongpa High, none of those girls knew a thing about the video.

- Wow, congrats! You must be proud of yourself. Trusting Jukyung's bullies... Seriously?! Like you don't know their queen bully is into you.

- Just like you're into Suho. I saw you two hugging.

- You saw that?!

- Yes! I did!

- Then you saw me crying like an idiot too. Great.

- Wait... What?

- I quit the music academy, okay?

- Are you crazy? Why would you do that?

Seojun stood there, his eyes wide in confusion. He couldn't believe his ears. How could she not tell him any of this sooner? After all they've been through. After all those moments she helped him get over their friend's death. Weren't they close enough now, why wouldn't she confide in him?

- You don't know everything, so don't act so smart. Besides, Suho isn't even my type, you pabo. He just saw me crying at the staircase.

- Then explain one thing.

All she could think about was how did she end up in this mess. Now all of a sudden he wants to talk to her? And he's acting all innocent about it.

- I have nothing to say to you, Seojun. Even your lousy accusations can't touch me. If anyone ever did anything bad then it's you chasing a taken girl.

- I wasn-

- Let me know when you stop projecting your problems on others.

- No, you got it all wrong, I don't have feelings for Ju-

- Stop it. I'm tired of this. I don't even care anymore.

He looked at her in silence, heart hurting as well. He couldn't admit his feelings to her like this, not now. He knew he did so many stupid things to catch her attention, but he didn't think it would backfire like this. He also knew something wrong was going on, but her stare was hurting him. He couldn't read her face at all. She looked cold. Serious. He felt like her eyes were literally piercing him.

- I did it. Okay, Seojun? I did all of it. Go spread the word. Oh wait, you did that already.

Frustrated and disappointed, she confirmed the rumors. She didn't want to fight back anymore. It was the first time in her life she considered giving up for a change. Like it mattered, she'd be moving to the States soon. She has already lost everything and everybody she hold dear. This was the last time two of them talked before she left Seoul.

She never told Seojun about her father beating her, she was ashamed of that. She also never told him her father was against her attending the music academy, she was scared that if she ever started talking about it she'd end up telling him everything. Suho was the only one who knew about her family situation, but only because he saw her bruises one time and asked her about it. He promised to keep her secret and she never confined in him again after that. All three of them have been friends since early childhood and she didn't want to do something that might push either of them away.

Sujin was always an artistic soul. She was great at pretty much everything once she set her mind to it. Her singing skills were always advanced, even before she started classes at the music academy. She outperformed almost all of her seniors. No matter the talent, she had to quit singing. Father's orders.

"Singing won't get you to medical school, you're only worth as much as your grades, don't show up home until you come to your senses and quit that idiotic nonsense of yours."

So she quit at the time only to save herself from unnecessary pain. She was done with covering her face full of makeup for school and popping painkillers like candy. It was much easier to quit, at least until her mom got them both out of that mess finally.

Her mom managed to get a divorce eventually. She swore she'd take care of her daughter properly this time, so winning the lawsuit against Sujin's father played a crucial role this time. And she won, which left her with their huge family mansion worth billions of dollars. Sujin's father got a restraining order from court, and after the lawsuit they never heard from him again. Her mom sold everything and they both moved to the States, where Sujin enrolled in music academy once more. Their life was pretty much comfortable, but they've always stayed humble.

Sujin knew she had to go back to visit her friends at Seoul at some point, especially since she was getting so many texts and calls from her two ex besties ever since she left. News on what actually happened and who was behind the video incident spread like fire and cleared all guilt off Sujin. Yet she couldn't get over the fact that all of her friends judged her so quickly. Sooah disappointed her a lot, she never backed her up, not even once. While Jukyung surprised her more than anyone. She was the only one who never believed Sujin did anything wrong, not even when Sujin directly told her it is her doing.

Even though she wanted to spend hours on the phone with Jukyung, and let her know about everything what happened, cutting everyone off seemed rational for the time being. Everything was still too painful for her and she needed more time to heal from the chaos. Falling into unhealthy patterns was no longer an option. Sujin's habits have changed drastically ever since she moved to the States. Volunteering as a math tutor and martial arts teacher was all she did when she wasn't studying. Her taekwondo classes took place in the early mornings, and math classes in the evenings. Slowly, it got her thoughts back in order.

It wasn't until Seojun texted her a whole month after moving that she felt that pit in her stomach again.

Seojun: I'm sorryx Sujong I shoudlvew known

- What's with this pabo? Ah, he's drunk again.

Sujin: Hey Seojun, I hope you're good. I know you've sent me that txt accidentally. Stay well and take care. Don't drink and ride that Ninja of yours, ok?

A few days passed until he finally responded back.

Seojun: Where r u, I need 2cu. Sujin: I'm out of the country, actually. Let's catch up over a video call one of these days, ok? Seojun: Naah, txt me whn u get back :P

She wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to hear his voice. She needed him to be there for her, just like she used to be there for him long ago. If going back there was ever an option, she needed to get better fist, on her own. Thoughts of being back in the city where it all went downhill made her extremely uncomfortable. Besides, her feelings for Seojun confused her, it was too much all at once. This time, she decided to let him go for good. Maybe next time their paths cross, things turn out different.

[janiedean]

thoughts on the people who blame Jaime for what happened with tysha and say that he was a kingsguard adult and he allowed tysha to be raped that he was an accomplice ( well we were never told if he knew what was going to happen ) and tywin showed a level of control over his kids ( remember how cersei asked tywin for leave when as Tyrion put it he should be asking her for leave since shes the queen

(answering this and the other two you sent now sorry for the lateness but as said I'm really out of spoons these days)

I think I went in depth on the specific matter on the novels of jaime meta I wrote so I'm gonna be extremely concise for my standards but

people who blame Jaime for what happened with tysha > well we established literacy is dead and if you blame jaime for a thing tywin did then congrats on showing you skipped english class in elementary school

he was a kingsguard adult > ah yeah the guy who got into the kg at 15 and ended up killing his king at 17 and got vietnam war level ptsd in three years plus also joined out of being manipulated into it and whose like maturity development was stuck at 17 at the ripe age of 34 and who should have never gone into the kg anyway and joined when he was a minor and went through all that trauma as a minor is the responsible adult okay then I never heard this until now and I'm glad because it's just brainrot

that he was an accomplice > if he was an accomplice he'd have had to facilitate it and to take part in it which he hadn't, also considering the guy basically lost his hand and got kicked in the stump to prevent a woman that at that point he didn't even like nor care for from getting raped I doubt he'd have done that and like someone coercing you into agreeing with smth like that doesn't make you an accomplice but ig people don't know what words mean anymore

tywin showed a level of control over his kids > tywin was an abusive af piece of shit who abused the hell out of all his children in different ways which were all reprehensible and trauma-inducing and blaming any of them for shit he did (c. included) is not knowing how to read and not having a clue of how that kinda thing works but if you don't grasp it reading the book then you're hopeless but yeah right obviously he has a level of *control* over them, if you want to please your abusive father at all costs or not want to go against him because you're too afraid to do it ofc he has control over you and again tyrion's adwd not-great stint is because he killed shae who didn't deserve it, not because he killed tywin who had it 100% coming and imvho deserved exactly what he got, hope tyrion feels good about it throughout the whole series

tldr: if someone comes at me blathering that jaime is in any way at fault about tysha when he's dissociated it out of his head for 20 years just because he can't handle the fact that he hurt tyrion that much I'm not even hearing the rest because I know it'll be a braindead take, thanks for coming to my ted talk

[zenaidamacrouras1]

Hey so about SPD - I think I have complications from it still, my kid is like a year old. Do you have any advice on dealing with that?

Hi yes! It's funny because so much of my tumblr is Marvel fandom but I forget how some of my "indignities of gestating" posts break containment. Hi friend! Congrats on your one year old. What a sweet age!

So, to everyone who may read: when you make a whole baby inside your musculoskeletal system and especially if you eject it vaginally (well probably c-sections too I just don't know about them) it's not surprising that some of your body parts end up in the wrong place as a side effect. I do NOT UNDERSTAND why assessing for such issues is not standard. It makes me SO ANGRy. So yes I will now overshare about my experience.

You may want a chiropractor to realign your pelvis/hips/spine/etc post partum, I did this and I believe it helped. It may take 2-3 visits if things are really out of whack. If the chiro doesn't give you exercises to strengthen in addition to realignment, then I would get thee to a physical therapist next. Or do PT first if you have to choose.

Physical therapy, specifically strengthening your thighs, hips and pelvic floor I would guess, may help. You (everyone!) should find a PT that knows things about post partum bodies, which is not every physical therapist. I ended up going to a person who specialized in pelvic floor weakness after my first kid and then I had diastasis recti, which is when your ab muscles separate, as well as pelvic floor drama, after the second.

Both times I was able to find a PT with post partum experience by just calling the larger PT places in town and asking for that.

Fyi: Diastasis recti: (If you tense your ab muscles and push down right above or below your belly button, those muscles should not have a gap wider than a finger or so there, if they do that's diastasis recti and physical therapy will help). (Fwiw I didn't know I had DR but I went to the PT for crippling back pain figuring something was broken and hey! that's what it was. Fun story but my second kid was born 10 lbs and then doubled in size like immediately and oh my god. Sometimes I see one year olds that are the size my monster was at 3 months. I still remember trying to fit him in a newborn size diaper at the hospital and he just busted out of it. The nurses were so excited to weigh him when he was born because they had bets on if he would top 10 lb. When the midwife was checking my abdomen to feel his position while I was in labor, she said in alarm, "how tall are you??" i said "about 6 ft." And she said, "wow! Your baby is really huge!"

That entire human was IN MY BODY and yes, he left a trail of damage. (I love him)

My point is, most of my issues were fixed within 8 physical therapy visits. EIGHT. Miracle.

Pelvic floor: My pelvic floor muscles were so fucked over after baby #1, which I think can link with SPD, that I couldn't feel that I couldn't exercise them. This caused me a lot of issues.

So the PT hooked me up to a machine that let me see when I actually was or was not stimulating those muscles and then I was eventually strong enough to be able to do kegels and a bunch of other things. It was miraculous. I should find that woman and send her flowers as I am grateful for her help literally every time I sneeze or cough or walk up stairs (because I don't pee or have severe pain when I do those things.)

If you don't have access to physical therapy, then you might look up the SPD exercise of squeezing a can between your knees, which was my favorite. The Yoga pose bridge (with can between your knees) was also great.

As well as doing anything to gently strengthen your thighs, hips and core. Gentle yoga will help a lot, and probably not make anything worse, and well as squats and leg lifts.

Everything is all wibbly wobbly and timey wimey (wait that's the tardis) and a safe bet is slowly making things from your knees to your belly button stronger.

The safest bet is to have an actual professional diagnose what's happening. If you are really out of alignment, the muscle strengthening isn't going to help, and if your muscles are off balance (like when my pelvic floor muscles were so weak) strengthening around it can exascerbate the imbalance and increase back pain.

I really hate taking care of myself and doing maintenance but a lot of this is fixable with just a couple visits.

So please don't suffer another year without checking in with a professional. Because you deserve to have answers and live pain free. ❤️❤️❤️ Please feel free to comment/chat if you have questions.

[sound-art-text]

Sound at the 58th Venice Biennale (2019)

Thoughts and (sometimes moving) images about sound works I encountered at the main bases and across the city. Aiming to create a guide for those interested in sound and travelling to the Biennale, or a window for those who aren't.

In case you haven’t been before, it’s helpful to understand the layout of the Venice Biennale. Established in 1895, it’s open May-October and involves countries from every continent. Each participating country has a pavilion at one of the two main sites, Giardini and Arsenale, or in a space in the City, usually occupied by one artist or artist collective chosen to represent the nation. There are also two huge exhibitions, one at each main site.

The title for the exhibition this year is ‘May You Live In Interesting Times’, curated by Ralf Rugoff; the artists selected to exhibit have works at both sites. I’ll let Ralf describe the theme himself, if you’d care to read below :)

Lithuania

The Golden Lion (for National Participation) this year was won by Lithuania. Three artists, one of whom is London College of Communication BA Sound Arts grad Lina Lapelyte. As a graduate of the same course, this makes the whole Venice Biennale experience somehow more tangible for me, more understandable. The artists are not all elite, ethereal and elusive. I’ve seen Lina around. A real person. A sound person! I find this very heartening. Congrats to Lina and colleagues Vaiva Grainyte and Rugile Barzdziukaite.

As the recipient of the main Biennale prize, the queues to get in to see the performance (which has been cut from a daily event to a twice weekly happening due to lack of funds), were impossible, so we’ll have to each make our own views based on the press materials out there. If you’re planning a visit, performances are on Wednesdays and Saturdays - and by 11am on Saturday, there was a 2 hour line for entry.

Mongolia

Down an alleyway in Castello district, an entrance beckons with strange sounds. Electronic musician Carsten Nicolai has composed some sounds to accompany recordings of Mongolian throat singers. Artist Jantsankhorol Erdenebayar has created some sculptural works – the exposed stone walls and red lighting makes the experience enjoyable and reasonably convincing, though I spent a while trying to work out how the sound was interactive, as the description claims. I couldn’t find how my presence was influencing the audio, but perhaps there were some less obvious devices or conceptual elements here I missed. Maybe the video will give you a sense of the space.

New Zealand

Though the elements of NZ’s offering may not be all new and shiny, this exhibit was one of my favourite experiences. The artist makes a list of all things extinct. The list is being printed - but it’ll take the whole 6 months of the Biennale for the printer to do so. The paper of the list folds out beautifully onto the floor of the pavilion.

Outside, artificial trees read through the list in AI voices. Moving your phone near the trees connects you to a WiFi network that allows you to temporarily view a page with the full list in pleasing categories - ‘things that have melted’, ‘lost lunar samples’, ‘cured diseases’, ‘discontinued burial techniques’. The names of the categories are the major selling point of the artwork for me. You can click on each list to have the AI voice read it’s contents to you in the usual machine multi-tones.

Of course there’s questions to raise: how is the female AI voice interrogated, how can the list be more than a remembrance ceremony, how conscious of resources was the artist in making the work if concerned with ecology, etc. But overall, I enjoyed this project and could have spent the whole afternoon listening to lists in this beautiful garden overlooking the sea.

Giardini

Spain

The first Pavilion I walked into belonged to Spain. I'd read an e-flux announcement about the work, so had some context - helpful given a lack of obvious wall texts and sparseness of the space. You could hear heavy breathing - you could see a video of two people exhaling into mics.

Itziar Okariz and Sergio Prego are thinking about performance and objecthood. They have whispered conversations with inanimate objects, asking us to consider the subjectivity of our relationship with space, and art as material.

Writings about the work quote Susan Sontag's The Aesthetics of Silence: “not only does silence exist in a world full of speech and other sounds, but any given silence has its identity as a stretch of time being perforated by sound.” 

Belgium

My first impression of this pavilion - creepy automated dolls. Some enact trades, others play instruments - it smells like folklore. The Venice Insider describes this spectacle as ‘a society that is folded in on itself where tradition is erected as a refuge.’

The Biennale’s jury, in awarding the pavilion with a Special Mention, state ‘Unsparing in its humour, the Belgian Pavilion offered an alternative view of the under-recognised aspects of social relations across Europe.’

There’s a website with a mass of videos that form an online aspect of the exhibition - I won't give spoilers, have a play.

Japan

Cosmo-Eggs is the title. There's an inflatable orange blow up bench that extends through the two floors of the pavilion. We're taken through myths relating to the Earth's formation, there's a running theme of ecology. Self-playing recorders were dotted around, I wasn't able to understand why.

The Singapore pavilion also used recorders - a democratic instrument through it's cheapness and accessibility?

France

Billed as controversial, reviews implied polarised opinion about Laure Prouvost’s work. You enter the pavilion through t's basement, are handed a paper mask and walk through a sculptural entrance chamber to find a film, which loosely follows 12 characters as they travel around France.

If you’ve seen some of her films, you’ll recognise the recurring elements - fish, raspberries, mobiles, breasts. Prouvost’s voice guides you through the film in it’s usual intimate and meandering way. I enjoy her voice. I enjoyed the film. I didn’t see why or where the controversy could be - if you like her work, you’ll like this pavilion, then again, if you’ve experienced her work before, there’s no major stylistic or thematic surprises in store for you. I found it charming and full of life. Other than the poor fish, which are clearly deceased. :(

Germany

The first thing you notice is that the pavilion appears closed. Why? Critical of how the EU is handling refugees, the artist states that the pavilion is now an immigration detention center. The space was problematic from the start - the pavilion is monumental and temple-like, redesigned by the Nazis in 1938.

There’s a number of works on display - which the artist (for this period named Natascha Süder Happelmann) made in collaboration with others from varied disciplines. There’s sculpture, video and sound. The media is programmed to overlap, with pieces interrupting each other or leaving confusing silences. The speakers whistle - in tribute to a common method migrants use to warn each other of immigration police approaching.

Some notes of interest about the artist: they have changed their name for the exhibition; they have purposefully conflicting info about their age and place of birth online; they hid their face in a stone mask during the press view and had an actor speak on their behalf.

Videos and more on the Deutscher Pavillon website.

Kemang Wa Lehulere, Flaming Doors, 2018

Symbolism of childhood and education - the speakers emit songs in Xhosa, traditional for ‘coming-of-age’ ceremonies. The work references police brutality in South Africa and ongoing protests calling for the decolonising of school curriculums.

Arsenale

Turkey

The texts say this is a work about collective displacement, and reference Hannah Arendt's ‘We Refugees’. I missed that entirely when viewing the work, but even without concept (I say 'even' as I am a big fan of concepts) I enjoyed this work. It’s playful - videos are projected at odd angles, you walk up ramps and into little rooms or view from a balcony above. The films show bodies, dancing in small repetitive motions, entangled in their clothes. Feet point elegantly from a neck hole. There’s a dance with the arm of jacket (like I saw in Slava’s Snowshow as a child). The air vents contain tiny sounds of waves and the sea. Impossible chairs of irregular wires are dotted around.

The artist says: "These figures are constantly changing places through the space to find their other halves. This effort is actually an attempt to reclaim their interrupted and invalidated memory and bodies."

Saudi Arabia

This hall was filled with small decorative round objects - I guessed they were made of sheep, and was informed by the cheerful person at the desk that the artist fired the leather... in a manner that I now totally can't recall. Some were wired up so if you touched them, they’d produce sound. A metallic, resonant jingling. Fun as it was to find the sound activation points, I’m unclear how the audio related to themes of returning home, as the text stated.

Singapore

Children play recorders in an experimental way - moving around a block in colourful t-shirts, looking very endearing. There’s a Fluxus feel to it - but I’d like more freedom and less choreography please. Nice posters for children’s orchestras line the walls, alongside artworks made from beautifully snipped and folded sheet music.

Neïl Beloufa, We only get the love we think we deserve, 2019

A series of interviews with soldiers from around the world, recorded via Skype; I enjoyed listening to these stories. The experience was set up as a personal encounter - you insert your head through a narrow opening in a cushioned structure to watch the video, which activates a directional speaker above you. For reasons I can’t fathom, the seating looks like an exercise bench - are we meant to be transported into a gym or training station, or have I read too much into this?

Tarek Atoui, The Spin, 2019

There’s a series of low plinths upon which objects, chosen by the artist to produce sound, are neatly arranged. Some are mechanised to play themselves - a record player with twigs for needles, a metal rod jingles in a cup. There’s a speaker and a laptop showing a patch of some sort, which I assume is operating this, and texts say that artists from a variety of disciplines have been invited in the opening month of the Biennale to experiment and create new music. It’s all very John Cage - though I think Cage would have invited the public to participate, rather than selected artists. The objects now have ‘don’t touch' signs, and sit together either silent or mechanically operated, looking frail and minimalist in their white cube home.

Lawrence Abu Hamdan

The Giardini exhibition includes the film Walled Unwalled in full. I’ve seen it twice before, but couldn’t help but watch again. It’s dense with information, but what draws me to it is the artist as narrator, guiding you through his process of listening in the specialist context of forensics. We hear from ‘ear witnesses’ as he digs through their sonic memory to recreate the audio of atrocities committed in Sednaya Military Prison in Syria.

The second work, this time at Arsenale, is This whole time there were no land mines. I’d read about this work and so was looking forward to hearing it, but could easily have overlooked it where it was situated within the show. Every few minutes one of the neighbouring artworks made a phenomenal amount of noise as a rubber hose pipe whipped around its glass cage - drawing viewers from all the other artworks towards this deafening movement. When I managed to disengage from this chaos and return to Abu Hamdan, I walked down the constructed white corridor with square screens embedded on both sides. Videos appeared, playing seemingly at random. In honesty, I didn’t find the display effective or alluring, though very interested in the subject matter. As I understand it, there’s a small corridor of land with unusual sonic properties, called 'the shouting valley'. This article in Universes gives a concise description:

In this work Abu Hamdan uses found mobile phone footage and audio recordings that were made in 2011 in The Golan Heights. This stretch of land was annexed from Syria by Israel after the 1967 ceasefire and hosts ‘the shouting valley’ — a place where the topography facilitates an acoustic leak across the border. Here separated families have regularly gathered on both sides of the divide to shout across to each other.

VIDEO CLIP HERE Tumblr only allows 10 embeds :(

Hito Steyerl

Who doesn’t love Hito after How Not to Be Seen: A Fucking Didactic Educational .MOV File and In Defense of the Poor Image? Also enjoyed her text on automation for the Serpentines GUEST, GHOST, HOST: MACHINE! podcast.

But back to Venice - two works, both on multiple unusually shaped screens surrounding you. At Giardini is a work on Leonardo Da Vinci’s secret plans for a submarine for Venice. The Arsenale has this work, on the broad theme of 'the future’, which includes classic Hito comedy lines such as: 'The Future poses a 100% risk for human health'. Can't say fairer than that.

VIDEO CLIP HERE

Christian Marclay

Some drawings or maybe prints at the Giardini venue, didn’t catch my eye, and this film at Arsenale. I’d seen it previously at White Cube Mason's Yard; it’s title says it all - 48 videos (with sound) layered on top of each other, playing simultaneously. Interesting, but much harder viewing and not at all as absorbing as The Clock.

VIDEO CLIP HERE

Shilpa Gupta, For, in your tongue, I cannot fit, 2017-2018

100 microphones re-wired as speakers, suspended from the ceiling. 100 spikes from the floor to waist height, with poems on paper impaled on each. The microphones whisper as you weave between them - the words of poets who have been imprisoned for their writing. This both looked and sounded beautiful, intimate and very moving. Perhaps my favourite work this year.

VIDEO CLIP HERE

That's it for my reflections on sound works at the 58th Venice Biennale. I'd love to hear any comments from others interested in sound - tweet me @SoundArtHannah.

[rinnysega]

Apologies if this is too personal, please just disregard this if so. But I'm just curious: What are your thoughts on Asleep in a Blizzard these days, especially after writing The Precipice and your own original novel? (congrats on that btw, as someone who's also working on an original book I'm wishing you the best of luck!) It's still one of those fics I think about on occasion and for good reason, but how do you feel about it and Evelyn after so long?

You know, it's funny because aside from the few asks I've gotten about it over the past year, I hadn't thought much about it. But earlier this year, I ran into @koko-raccoon when Ilona and I met up with some friends in town. I didn't realize they'd been following me since the AiaB days, and we got to talking about it. Between them and the users who've sent very kind messages about it, it sort of made me realize that I made something that resonated with people, that they remembered fondly over a decade later, after it had finished. Something that seems to be across the board is the notion that while they can't remember plot, details, or specific scenes, they remember how they felt reading it, and that's been sticking with me.

A lot of Precipice readers have sent the same type of messages, that the story moves them to feel something they can relate to in their own lives. I've been thinking a lot about it while working on my book, and it got me hoping that whatever that secret ingredient is, I hope I'm able to keep having it show up in all my works. Whether its Evelyn and Benson or Gustavo and Bruno, or something original now moving forward, no matter what the plot or specifics entail, I want to keep touching people in that way - through their emotions. Especially if they're emotions where they feel seen, heard, and understood.

Looking back on Evelyn specifically, I wrote her at a time when I was going through a depression lull, which now I believe to be an autistic burnout. I think she did what I wanted her to do at the time, which was to let out feelings I couldn't explain through a fictional character, and when I felt what I needed to feel, I was ready to move on from her. I'm sure if my life stayed the course, I could say the same for Gus in the Precipice. He did what I needed him to do at the time, and it was a way for me to heal something inside me I couldn't put my finger on. These days, I'm realizing he was a part of me that longed for closure for things I couldn't understand, when life felt unfair and confusing, like the suicide of a loved one, or other heavy emotions that I couldn't explain. They'd built up over the course of ten years, so by the time I wrote it in 2022, I had a lot of feelings to work with in creating Bruno's prequel.

After a year in therapy, and per a post I wrote a few days ago, realizing now as an adult that I have autism and c-ptsd, I can see how those feelings and fears translated into how I developed those characters. I won't get into specifics, but I think the parts of Evelyn specifically where I sprinkled in bits of myself were what made that secret ingredient be something special, although I'm saying this as the writer and not the reader. It was a long time ago, so I don't know what parts remained stuck to readers and their emotions, but for Precipice, it's a lot more recent and I'm able to pinpoint exactly what feelings I was tapping into with both Gus and Bruno.

I'm glad I got my start with them in writing big, personal themes in long form prose, and they gave me some incredible friendships over the past decade. I have Ollie who's a little sister to me, both my Best Man and Maid of Honor were people I met through my story too. I had a whole table at our wedding reserved for people I met because of Evelyn and AiaB! And two of them live nearby and we get to see each other often! Precipice too gave me lifelong friends, which I'm incredibly grateful for considering the tail end of the story is when I was struggling pretty hard with emotional trauma. I think both fanfics did their jobs in letting me get out feelings of how I see and live in the world, and they gave me some real ones that I can't wait to grow old with.

Now that I finished my book, it's been great to be able to see the patterns of my work throughout the years. To know myself and what stories I like to tell. I'm probably never going to write fanfics again, mostly because I'm ready to expand to original characters and stories, and not to mention my themes aren't exactly best suited for family programming and animation that I tend to hyperfixate over lol

But I'm glad I'm doing it now, and I'm glad I'm taking Gustavo along for the ride!

GOOOSH hold on, let me tell you, when I went to the writers conference in April, and I was pitching the book, the SWELLING OF MY HEART when the agent smiled and looked at me when I talked about Gus! After the pitch she told me to always lead with him in any future pitches as he was the best, most compelling character. This isn't to say the others aren't compelling, but Gustavo has a very specific role in this story that acts like a backbone throughout the novel. To hear A PROFESSIONAL AGENT say that about him??? I was floored I so happy!!!

I can't wait until I get to share this book with you guys, especially those of you that have been around since AiaB (I'm pretty sure I made my Tumblr around that time in order to post about it. Wow, the time flies). Thank you so much for always being so supportive, and I wish you the best of luck on your book as well!!