#cause i got all the dopamine out of the idea already

[sorikkung]

people interacting w wgoin in my notes... this would be a rly bad time to say all my writing will probably be on hiatus for the indefinite future huh

[skinzchoerim]

OnlyOneOf's dOpamine concert in Warsaw - my experience (+sentimental musings about the lore and its messages)

The first thing I need to get out of the way is that their crowd interaction game is 1000/10. They went on stage already knowing at least two greetings in Polish, and then Kyubin and Nine did a whole pantomime to explain their understanding of them. They presented "elo" as being very casual, best done with a bro chest bump, and they were correct about that. The funniest thing was when Nine showed "siema" (a greeting that's basically just as casual as "elo") as being very polite and official with a bow of the head. And hey, if he thinks that's the most official greeting in Polish, who are we to argue?

The translator wasn't very good so a lot of the context got lost, but they said that while sightseeing they met an elderly lady who was a lyOn. Then they met an elderly man from Busan who they hoped to turn into a lyOn, but he wasn't interested, and Nine said that's just how people from Busan are lol. Junji talked about how much he loved the view and that it made him feel really sentimental, which somehow turned into JunRie doing a couple dance with a spin. I really wish I had a video of it, I also can't find any taken by other people 😔

When the time for seOul drift came they asked about a Polish car brand, and of course everyone yelled "MALUCH!!!", so it was hilarious when they asked us to do a Warsaw drift in a maluch with them.

At some point the audience started chanting "zajebiście" which basically means "fucking awesome", and they were very keen to learn how to pronounce it. I really hope they remember it cause that would be iconic.

Now let's do a time leap and go back to what happened before the concert.

I watched the fanchat from afar and had the best view of Yoojung who looked really invested in everyone he talked to. I was surprised to see how wide and baby-like Rie's face is, it's really cute. Everyone says they look even better in real life, and personally I don't find that to be true. I think they're exactly as beautiful as they appear on screen. I'll explain it in more detail later.

Now for the fansign, which... my god. My worst fear when I saw how little time was reserved for it came true, because it really went by at the speed of light. I'm really glad I brought the prints to give them, because there was no way they would have noticed the shirt. For reference, here is what I gave them (Yoojung got two):

Junji was first, he smiled and said a cheerful "Hi!", I handed him the album and then quickly gave him the print before having to move on to Rie who was already making eye contact. I don't remember his exact reaction to the print, but he seemed positively surprised. Yoojung was the one who had the biggest reaction, his mouth did the '0' he often does and he either gasped or said "wow", it was all genuinely too fast for me to process and file away every detail. I don't remember Nine's reaction well because I was still reeling from Yoojung's (also I was distracted by his scar makeup, cause damn, it looked realistic). I think he said "thank you", although I'm not sure if he even looked down at the print. Mill also seemed positively surprised. Kyubin was last, and thanks to that I got to watch his reaction for the longest, although it was still barely a second. He looked at the print and then made eye contact with me while he was handing me the signed album. There was something about the look on his face that made me wish I had a moment longer to ask what was going through his head, but unfortunately all I could do was smile, give him an awkward nod goodbye and walk off. Did he recognize that he's seen the drawing before? Was he just surprised? Did he like it? I have no idea.

The hi-touch went by even faster since the staff told us to run. The pictures were taken with about 10-13 lyOns each. After the whole thing was done, I knew that for the next concert (fingers crossed 🤞) I'll have to buy the VVIP+ benefits. To be fair to myself, there was already a lot going on in the days leading up to the concert and preparing for the fanchat would've only added unimaginable levels of stress, but I think that the second time around, I'd be able to approach it with more ease. More on that later as well.

While waiting for the concert to start, some of their songs were playing in the background. The volume was fairly low and the amount of noise in the hall made it impossible to hear anything beyond the bassline and percussion, but that just made me wish that they'd release their entire discography with only those two elements cause let me tell you, it sounded SICK.

I started to really regret not getting the VVIP+ benefit once the concert began and the people in front of me covered the view with not just their heads, but also phones and lightsticks. I was only in the third/fourth row, but everyone in front of me was taller so I couldn't see everything that was going on, and seeing the videos others shared on Twitter it does seem like I missed a lot. Still, it was the perfect spot to get sprayed with water which happened more times than I could count (mostly Kyubin's deed, thanks bro I needed it).

The performances were absolutely top tier, but did anyone expect otherwise? I need them to release the dOpamine remix, I'd listen to it way more than the original. I couldn't see Yoojung during begin at all because he performed a little further back, so I'm really glad that once the medley was done they all sang the choruses of the solos again with the audience. Did I cry? No, but very fucking nearly, especially when we all sang begin together. Another moment that nearly brought me to tears was when Nine finished performing beyOnd and the music cut one line into the second verse. Obviously part of the reason why it sounded so heartbreaking was how unexpected the ending was and how much I wanted it to go on for longer, but it also sounded like someone suddenly took away his voice, so it fit the theme of Things I Can't Say LOve perfectly.

Speaking of having his voice taken away, I'm happy to report mine wasn't. The concert experiences I ruined for myself by freezing up and not joining everyone else in having fun outnumber the ones I approached with ease and made great memories during. I was especially worried since the previous concert I've been to, Odd Eye Circle's, unfortunately fell into the former category. The English version of Loonatic was my skinz before skinz existed, and when they performed it, anxiety got the better of me. I couldn't even open my mouth to attempt to sing along, and I still have regrets about it, because I know it would have been a liberating experience.

But none of that happened this time. I sang every song along with them (was I feeling smug that I knew almost all of the lyrics when the people around me only knew the English bits? yes, sue me). I put my whole fucking soul into my favorite songs, especially mirage, seOul drift and skinz. I can't even begin to describe how special it felt. Yelling the lyrics to skinz with lyOns all around me and OnlyOneOf a few meters away felt like a full circle moment. skinz was the beginning of so many things for me, and it's such a therapeutic song that's been helping me express myself unapologetically slowly, bit by bit over the past two and a half years. It doesn't matter that I don't have as many vivid memories of the concert as I wish I had, because I know that those two hours on June 12th 2024 have been euphoric and liberating, and I will carry that feeling with me every day, getting a little taste of it each time I listen to these songs again.

While after the fact I do wish the concert had gone on for longer, at the time it felt like the perfect length. The amount of songs in the encore was a genuinely nice gesture, because they were slowly getting people prepared for the end while constantly whipping out another performance, which is a really smart way to leave the audience in high spirits. I think they ended up performing four songs for the encore - OOO yOu, angel, lOve me and dOpamine (without choreo this time), and then the first verse and chorus of time leap right before they left the stage.

The acoustics in Progresja aren't the best, but it was an amazing experience to hear them sing live. I feel like in a lot of recordings it's kind of hard to tell if they're singing live or if it's playback because the vocal and music layers sort of merge into one. I might share the videos that my mom took with her phone, because hers actually captured that live quality of their singing.

I know me writing this here won't change anything, but I have to put I out there - these kinds of stages weren't made for K-pop acts. I can't imagine anyone aside from the people in the first row or someone very tall was able to see the elements of choreography that took part on the floor or the subtitles on videos (which come on, they at least could have had the foresight to place them on the upper part of the screen, not the bottom). K-pop groups - or anyone who doesn't just stand there holding a mic but has a visual side to their performance - should perform in buildings that are constructed like theaters, with the floor gradually rising so everyone can see the stage comfortably. It seems that the Madrid venue was exactly like that, so if anyone reading this was there or at a different concert in a similar venue I'd love to hear about your experience!

Now something that might cheer up anyone who hasn't seen them perform live - this concert made me very grateful that cameras exist and allow us to watch their performances filmed professionally. It's obvious that they're amazing performers from a distance, but only when a camera gets up close and captures the way they express every song and choreography with their faces does it actually hit. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, Yoojung is such an impressive and expressive performer, both in his body and face, and having close ups of his facial expressions is a gift from heaven.

As I laid down in bed and my emotions were cooling off, it dawned on me how many good things in my life I owe to them and how special it is to have this one artist I can point to and say "the time I spent with them changed me for the better". I think seeing them live isn't even the pinnacle of my experience as a fan, but everything I carry with me every day that I have thanks to them. That being said, I really want to see them again. Most of what I've written down here was right after the concert, but now I don't feel like I remember as much as I want to. Nonetheless, this was my favorite concert among the ones I've attended and the most special experience of my life so far. Next time I'm getting VVIP+ and getting closer to that stage so I can finally enjoy the view in peace. I'm not even taking the option that they won't return here into account. They will last forever and they will have an infinite number of world tours.

This is where this post stops being a concert review and becomes sentimental musings of an unhinged person, so strap in. I did my best to structure this section in a way that would clearly communicate my thoughts to someone who isn't the owner of my brain and therefore doesn't have the exact mind map of interpretations of the various elements of OnlyOneOf's lore. The things I say here might be something most of us have thought or felt at some point, so what I hope to achieve here is simply it put into words, because I don't think anyone else has done that in the context of OOO.

I have to start by defining what exactly I mean whenever I say “the lore” (please don't make a drinking game out of every time I say "lore" in this post, you will die). Just like with any other K-pop group who has a deeply thought out concept, “the lore” encapsulates everything related to their conceptual work - songs, music videos, lyrics, teasers, MV descriptions, symbolism, references etc. What makes my definition of OOO’s lore deviate from how I'd define other K-pop groups' lore is the elements that make OOO's lore itself different from any other. K-pop storylines are known to be complex, but the ones I’m familiar with can all be described in the form of a story with specific characters played by the members, various events, superpowers and plot twists. OOO’s lore is more focused on emotions - loneliness, desire, love, fear. Because of that, the facts of what happens in the work itself can take second place to the emotional value of it. Their story can't be analyzed like a book with a beginning, middle and end, because it's too ambiguous and multifaceted for that. We can instead discuss the themes and observe the emotional progression happening within the lore. I like to compare analyzing their lore to untangling the chord of your earphones, because when you start getting frustrated at yet another impossible knot, you can just give it a rest, put the earphones in and enjoy how their art makes you feel.

I think it was the youtuber LOU who first viewed something OOO had made through the lens of cubism in her video about dOra maar, but I'd take it a step further and say that OOO's art makes the most sense if you look at everything from a cubist perspective, i.e. there isn't a single perspective on anything, but multiple viewpoints that all work together to create what we could call "the lore". It becomes easier to take a look at the whole picture the lore paints if you keep that in mind.

We observe an internal journey across various songs that connect to each other in smaller or bigger ways. We can, but we don't have to view all of them as being one person's story. The lore contains a collection of themes that create an ambiguous, unnamed protagonist whom we see represented by the bOy wearing cOmme des garçOns or the characters in the be series. None of them are THE protagonist, but they all make up the protagonist, because they all offer different perspectives on the themes that drive OOO's art and have been building up the group's identity over the past five years.

All of what I've mentioned thus far is just creative fiction. There is another perspective on their art that has real life implications, because there are real people whose job it is to express the inner world of the protagonist through songs and performances. OOO's music videos acknowledge their status as idols in the same way other K-pop groups with a fictional narrative do - they break the fourth wall by showing snippets of choreo and lipsyncing in between storytelling. OOO could be written off as nothing more than actors in entirely fictional roles if it wasn't for how intertwined they are with the themes in their art, in no small part thanks to how active they are in the creative process, but even beyond that. Their job as idols is acknowledged within the narrative (skinz MV, beyOnd description, the name of undergrOund idOl). So, their life as idols with a fandom is yet another perspective through which we can view their themes.

Here is where our role as spectators becomes important, because this aspect of the lore couldn't exist without our input. The way we respond to it and the conversation we create around it is what gives it meaning.

One side of the lore is the human side - the intimate and natural imagery of the libidO MV, the cozy warmth of cOy, the fun of blOssOm's choreography. On the other side, there are parts of the lore that feel emotionless and cold - MVs like sage, time leap, asOiaf, dOpamine, or graphics for Off angel and dOra maar. This dichotomy is something that can be used to discuss a lot of themes, like emotional distance in romantic relationships or a feeling of being ostracized by society. For the benefit of this post, I'll focus only on parasocial relationships between artists and fans.

Being a fan is both an experience of intense connection and distance that goes way beyond just oceans and borders. The one-sided nature of a parasocial relationship can be difficult to navigate for some people, but it seems to be something a lot of us need. It's comforting to know that you can develop a strong emotional bond with someone you're completely detached from and don't have to do any of the work a real interpersonal relationship needs; you just get to enjoy yourself as you receive art and entertainment. But that comfortable distance distorts the way we perceive the artist's personhood. We know and understand that they're a fellow human being, but we can't help that we never have an opportunity to experience them as such. They’re not people to us in the sense that they have no physical presence in our lives, they're just a series of recorded images projected onto a screen, filtered and airbrushed. We can watch them act like regular people on and off the stage, but whether we want to or not, we perceive them as more glamorous than anyone we meet on a daily basis. How could we not when part of their job is to tower over us while looking like a perfectly crafted illustration every time they get on stage?

This is where another theme present in OnlyOneOf’s art comes in, which is putting someone on a pedestal. In their songs, it's discussed in the context of romantic, artist/muse or God/follower relationships, but the part of the lore I'm talking about here is something that exists in the way we as spectators perceive them and their work.

Idols are human - I'm aware I'm not making an interesting point by acknowledging that. The reason I've been inspired to write about this in the first place is that I realized how being in physical proximity to someone you have a parasocial relationship with can shift your perception of their humanity.

I didn't buy the VVIP+ benefit because I knew I would be way too nervous about those six minutes and I'd probably spend most of that time awkwardly pretending I can hear what they're saying through the noise all around. Never meet your heroes, because you might make an idiot out of yourself, or however the saying goes. I thought I was in the vast minority who felt this way due to my anxiety while other lyOns would be ecstatic to get to meet them face to face. However, while I was standing in the queue I overheard a lot of people talking about how nervous they were, which is funny, because why the hell would any of us be nervous? They're the ones who are about to have a crowd of strangers observing their every move and recording every little mistake, they should be feeling the most nervous of us all! This got me thinking about why anyone would be nervous to meet their favorite artist, and the conclusion I came to is that it's intimidation. We're not wrong to feel intimidated; I think it's perfectly normal and natural in this scenario. I'd say it’s also quite healthy, because you’re not able to get too familiar with someone who intimidates you, which ensures the emotional distance required within a parasocial relationship is kept. As with everything, it's about balance. The problem appears when the emotional distance between a regular audience member and an idol grows so large that it becomes dehumanizing. Unfortunately, seeing how Korean netizens and international fans alike latch onto tiny things to criticize about the things idols do and say, this is still a very relevant topic. A pedestal that's too high can result in an approach that's entitled, cold, and often cruel. An idol becomes an imitation of a person, someone untouchable and unshakeable. Any words thrown their way, especially online, feel insignificant in comparison to their towering presence. For the people with an especially cruel streak, finding out their actions have a psychological impact on a public figure probably makes them feel like they regained some power in this uneven relationship. To them, it's nearly impossible to perceive an idol as someone with a right to receive empathy, because in their mind, the idol is too far removed from the humanity they observe in people who exist around them.

What's important here is that the lore shows us the full spectrum of who OOO are - they're idols, singers, performers, actors; they're people with fears, desires, intimate stories and hidden sides; people who have dopamine running through their bodies, people who need connection with others and people who have things they can't say. These things can't be separated from the members, because they make sure to take this message beyond the art itself. They don't filter themselves nearly as much as most idols have to - they swear, make dirty jokes, write songs about sex, casually talk about kissing men and offhandedly mention having a romantic life without apologizing for it. They're underground idols, and they intentionally distance themselves from the unforgiving audience members who would have a heart attack if their faves acted one tenth as relaxed as OOO do on a daily basis.

What I'm trying to get at here is that OnlyOneOf's art is created with the intention to create more empathy - for queer people, for mistreated lovers, for discarded muses, for people reconciling their faith with their sexuality, for one's own self despite having a lot of internalized issues. Through doing that, they override the loneliness inherent to the stories their songs tell and create possibilities for connection. They give us art that makes us feel less lonely by being a reflection of our messiest, most intimate feelings and experiences, and in turn they ask us to recognize them as a reflection of us and to not isolate them from the full human experience just because of the job they chose and its restrictions. When Jaden Jeong said they're the future of boy groups, I think he hoped they could influence audiences to humanize the figure of the idol.

I watched them between the professionally executed performances as they riffed off of each other, laughed and zoned out while looking at the audience. There were no cuts to a different, more flattering angle, no hand in the editing room controlling what footage sees the light of day. They look more beautiful in real life not because anything about their features looks different, but because the reality of being in the same space with them and finally getting to experience them just as any other human being, even with some distance still present, is a very special experience that holds beauty of its own. At that moment, I couldn’t remember why I was nervous before, and I began to wish I had sat down with them and shared a short conversation about any random thing. It would have been imperfect, but there was no reason to be afraid of that. They're just six guys of flesh and blood who clearly love what they do and whose work has given me happiness and purpose over the past two and a half years, and I would have cherished those six minutes of interaction.

On the train home, I discovered a more sentimental feeling while listening to them, especially the songs they performed, but not exclusively. There was something more personal and artistic I heard in their voices that made each song feel like more than just a recording, but a special moment in time shared by people who created something they wanted to share with others. This feeling fades the more the time distance grows between the current me and the me that attended the concert. Two hours weren’t enough.

I don't know how to end this post other than to say how fascinating it is that including imagery of fan/idol culture and technology within the lore so it mixes with all these deeply intimate stories makes everything OOO do a living piece of art. Simply existing as idols and people fuels the reason for the existence of their concept in the way that it currently exists, and I just think it's incredible.

[itoshi-s]

Ive been rewriting 4th rabbit hole so much and tho i hate sending short ideas but i found this and am obsessed with it,, a cute plushie of rin is your only companion while hes away and tho it will never compare the thought of it is euphoric, giving u enough dopamine to be satiated but the real one wont be so latient with the obv disrespect -🐇 (ps what if u strap it with ur fave dildo... imma shut up now before this gets out of hand)

UWAAAAAAH NONNIEEEEE </3 please this has been livin in my head rent free...... the disreSPECT AKJHFAOIS

cw stepcest /sorry i cannot help myself akfhsalfksa this goes into the i&i au i guess

you're just too needy, all too desperate for your own good :( and it's not even your fault, rin had it coming for him tbh as soon as he got you that silly little plushie - mainly as a joke, because you teased him abt it ever since he told u the news that it's in the making - and started spraying it w his cologne every time he had to leave you for a few days. rin's rules are clear, and usually not all that hard to follow - you're not to touch yourself, at least not without his permission. you don't have much problems following through with it - not until rin leaves for a few away games in a row, and you just happen to hit a slump w all your university work.

you're all too hormonal w your ovulation coming up, too, and you just need to unwind. you're always on your best behavior, it won't hurt to abide the book for once, right? but your toys are locked in the pretty little leather case that only rin knows the code for, and your fingers just don't feel as good as your nii-chans anymore. you try to hit all the spots that would make your toes curl, but it seems like he's the only one who can do that by this point :( finally, you try to hump your pillow - well, rin's to be exact, cause it smells just like him, woody and citrusy - but it's just a tad too big, brings your legs in a weird spread that feels more uncomfy than anything else. you roll onto your back, frustration collecting along your lashline in crystalline tears, and just then you feel something dig into your lower back. reaching down, you pull the silly little plushie from under your body - and hold it up in both hands, eyes slowly widening in embarrassment upon your very own thoughts that pop up in that head of yours. it's silly, you know that, and you're not quite sure how you even got that idea in the first place - but next thing you know, the toy is already snug between your trembling thighs as you grind down on it. the embroidery feels a bit rough, just enough to help the familiar sensation build deep in your tummy, and you’re coming all over the soft plush within minutes. once the realization hits, you truly do want the earth to swallow you whole — cause it really is embarrassing, in a way, how you couldn’t even stop yourself and used the innocent sweet gift from your lovely nii san for such lewd thing. but it feels good, better than the pillows or your lithe fingers; and it smells just like rin, thanks to the generous spritz of his cologne. it helps you out numerous times during your lonely stay at rin’s paris penthouse — and you figure out you might need to treat it just like the usual, proper sex toy, and give it a proper wash. that’s where rin finds you when he comes back home — worn out and exhausted from the games and long ass flight, tugging the suitcase behind him. you don’t really hear him until he’s stood in the doorway in your laundry room, leaning against the frame. ‘hi, baby,’ he hums and startles you enough to make you jolt. your face heats up, right up to the very tips of your ears, and you grip the plush toy close to your chest- as if to hide it away. ‘nii chan- you-you’re back,’ you sound a little funny, rin thinks, and it’s what peaks his interest. you turn around, the stuffed toy in hand still, and he wouldn’t think anything of it at all if it wasn’t for your wide eyes. as if you were caught in the act — of what? he chuckles a bit and furrows his brows, cocks his head to the side slightly, ‘what’s with the look?’ rin muses, reaching a hand out to grab at your own - or maybe at the plush toy. you’re not too sure, and it makes you breathe nervously. ‘missed me much? i knew you’d like it.’ he knows something is up when you pull your hands away and give a nervous laugh <//333 and so, he fixes you a puzzled glance, cogs in his head turning as he watches you shake your head, ‘y-yeah. i- it got dirty though, spilled somethin-‘ you start to blabber and stumble over your words, and as he reaches to grab at the toy - just for the fun of it and to test you out - you quickly reach behind yourself and throw it back into the washing machine. and because he knows you all too well, each and every look of yours engraved in his mind, it clicks !!!!!! and it leaves him speechless 😭 for a second, rin’s eyes widen and he wants to laugh - he’s so amused, by the way you fidget in your spot and give him the widest eyes, embarrassed to a fault - until he realizes that no matter how cute and silly this might’ve been, you weren’t exactly good this time around. he struggles to bite back a chuckle, shaking his head a bit as he pinches the bridge of his nose. ‘you’re unbelievable, baby.’ he sighs - and as humored as he sounds, you know rin nii already. the real deal is always better. and he’s about to prove that <3

[chuuyascumsock]

Helloooo

That rat reaction pic was both adorable and had me laughing my ass offf(my sense of humor is lowkey highkey kinda broken so apologies 😭)

ALSO

ME??? A MONSTERFUCKER??????HUH?? THAT SOUNDS DEPLORABLE! But youre right so anyway- (kinda actually saw a monsterfucker bingo and did it{yknow just for funsies and shi} and like i ticked off 10 of the 24 boxes? i mean i think thats enough to qualify??? Right??)

okie soo umm i kinda waited too long to type out the thoughts and they um *disssipated* so immm kinda gonna string together the crumbs i still remember🥲

(Also like to clarify when i say werewolf,i kinda mean like the something between like that one halloween official art and atsushi when he’s in his weretiger form?)

Imagine werewolf chuuya who just cant keep his hands off you when he’s in heat,he just NEEDS you,CARNALLY

While you’re cooking dinner he’ll come up behind you and wrap his arms around you,nuzzling his head into the crook of your neck,lightly nibbling on your skin and just slightly grinding his crotch into your ass.

After a while you can feel his hard on and how hes desperately trying to hold himself back.

so you do the only sensible thing you can think of~

You turn around and kiss him~

You have no idea how it escalated from a passionate kiss to this,but now he has you bent over the kitchen island,your underwear discarded and forgotten while he frees his hard cock from his now-tight pants.he coats his dick in lube and precum before he thrusts into your rear,(although he’d love to go right at it,he knows your only human and would never want to hurt you) going at an inhuman speed and illicitting the most lewd little sounds for you~

His claws sinking into your hips to hold you in one place,all the while he’s letting out breathy “good girl/boy” and “that’s it take it hnghh you take me so good doll” s as he ruts into your ass.as he feels his climax nearing he goes harder and deeper his throbbing cock continuously hitting your g-spot causing you you whine and moan out loud,all which makes him go harder,the feeling of your tight little hole driving him over the edge and when he finally comes its thick sticky and he doesn’t let a single drop seep out.he continues rutting into you,fuckin his come back into you while keeping you locked in a mating press.after around two to three more rounds(now having moved to the bedroom) he slows down and makes sure your okay.he loves to see the fucked out look on your face as he cleans you up and as he sees your silly little hole white and glazy with his come he has to resist the urge to plug you up and let you stay that way until your next session,but if youve previously said your okay with it he’s definitely gonna do it-

Once your tucked in all nice clean (and *cough*plugged up) he gets into bed as well spooning you and lightly licking the bites and hickey now covering your neck and collarbone.

(I wanna add some more but i think this is already long enough.i hope this makes sense and sounds coherent at least,i think i got a little lost in the sauce🥲)

Also yess i saw that voyeurism tag👀👀👀 (got me wet just thinking about it🫣)

Ooh and also of smut,fluff,angst and crack,What’s your favorite??

And bestie(am i allowed to call you that?) im like 99.99% your irl personality is just as great as your online one🙄🤚

That isnt debatable btw🫶

I speak facts not fiction 😌

Well except for the smut,that’s fictional-

ACTUALLY NO FRICK IT THATS FACTS TOO!🙌

And to end this silly,goofy and unreasonably long ask id just like to wish you a lovely day/afternoon/evening/night filled with snackies,dopamine-inducing events and a lot of,as you said, H2hoe!

Stay safe and slay safe😌💅🏻

(Help its 4.50 am😭🥲)

-🧀

YOU DID, YOU DID GET LOST IN THE SAUCE, YOU WERE DROWNING IN IT 😭 BUT IT WAS GOOD SAUCE, DELICIOUS SAUCE EVEN. (Fr made me choke on my mango and everything while reading).

Glad you specified that you didn’t mean Chuuya like full furry mode or that would’ve been awky 💀

Literally Chuuya— but THAT WAS SO GOOD ACTUALLY. I can’t believe you wrote almost a full smutshot in my inbox, you should rlly write this down and post your own smut LMAO.

I forgot to add something to my Detective Chuuya summary, but it’s ok, I fixed it 🤭

My favorite genre is crack, I feel like I write top tier crack ngl, my Ai chats also look insane with all the silly stuff I do with the characters (literally mostly Dazai bc I kin him so doing platonically silly shit w/ him is my comfort).

AND YES YOU CAN CALL ME BESTIE— I feel like we’re definitely past that 😈 But I will have to deny my irl personality being just as good as my online one because I am socially inept 🥰

ALSO GET SOME SLEEP BESTIE CAUSE THAT’S SUPER IMPORTANT (I’m a hypocrite). BUT EAT A GOOD BREAKFAST AND FUCK UP THOSE CLASSES 💪😼

[invece-sto-sdraiato]

so, hi. I was just thinking about joker out lyrics in general, and I thought, lemme see which songs were easy to learn and just what my first opinions about each song were (warning: this is long)

Umazane misli:

Gola - I fell in love once I heard the first interlude (before 'neki se dogaja dej me zmer utrip') and I guess it took me around three to four listens to get the hang of the lyrics. This song gives me butterflies in my stomach 🥰

Umazane misli - HA. do I even need to say anything here? It's been almost two years since I first heard this song. I learnt the lyrics on the. first. listen. This is huge considering that, at the time I was still getting used to the fact that ex-yugoslavian languages have major differences between them. These lyrics will be etched in my brain forever.

Vem da greš - oh this used to be a skip for me in the early days of jo brainrot. then boom! clicked on the acoustic version and realised how awesome this song really is. I always thought this song just screams 'pop rock'. it has one of my favorite lyrics ever : "kupim karto do vesolja če zemlja pregori" and jan really did something here with interlude (I am kissing you tenderly on the forehead mr. peteh)

Proti toku - I know people have noticed this, but the starting guitar riff is very similar to the one in Sweet Child O' Mine. Already a green flag. Wasn't really a huge fave of mine but I'm appreciating it a lot since Stožice. Going against social norms? Awesome meaning, awesome lyrics. I still haven't got the hang of the lyrics though (for some reason I just can't grasp it 😅)

Dopamin - Ah yes. This song always sounded a bit different from their sound, with all the synths, you know? But it is a certified dance song (stožice has proved that) and I am so fucking obsessed with kris' backing vocals here like everytime he goes, "razum izgubil je svoj glas" I just agdjspsneksldnsl and also the chorus is so satisfying to hear with bojan's angelic voice. I will stand by the statement that the stožice version surpasses the studio one by a mile.

Barve oceana - woohoo! This song is just so so fun and I've never been able to sit in one place whenever I listen to this. Lyrics are obviously a m a z i n g. and bojan's explanation just made it loads better! Extremely catchy, so obviously that I memorized the lyrics within two listens. Can't forget the stožice version with kris' "aaahhh" at the back.

Metulji - I purposefully avoid listening to this song (sometimes) cause the first time I did, it took me like ten minutes to come back to reality. I'm pretty sure I'll cry if I listen to it even now. And the VIOLIN?!! pls it's so beautiful. "Pleševa zadnji ples, da spet zadihava"??? I am dead on the floor. True masterpiece and I'll always be proud of our five little guys for creating this.

A sem ti povedal - oh god. This song was made to murder all of us. The minute I heard the starting guitar part, I was convinced I was not going to survive those three minutes. First, the lyrics. They are so beautiful, so poetic, so intense, so profound. Sometimes I feel weird singing along just cause of the sheer meaning this song holds and how I'll probably never experience these feelings. Also the last part? when I first listened to it, I didn't just die, I ascended to another plane of existence. Also have to mention kris' backing vocals once again. Especially the "šepetaj mi koliko me hočeš" You know what? Why don't you just kill me instead? And. the. video. They really decided the song wasn't enough and proceeded to pull on our heartstrings with THOSE visuals. Obsessed with the whole idea of jure in the water. I think I know like 80% of the lyrics but I always fumble somewhere.

Bele sanje - similar to most of their songs, the prelude itself was enough for me to hyperfixate on this song. I had like a whole bele sanje phase in april where I didn't listen to any other song. the way bojan sings, "njen utrip se redko umiri"? god. also this song was when I realised I was actually into this whole indie rock vibe of theirs (bele sanje was the third joker out song I listened to) and the whole concept of the badass female protagonist? Love it.

Omamljeno telo - oh omamljeno telo my love 🥰🥰🥰. bojans singing style was evidently different here, but there was a rawness to it that intrigued me. and guitars are the major reason why I love this song! obviously this interlude is one of my favorites from joker out songs. just 100% pure talent. My fave lyric is, " a vetra se ne da ujet tako lahko, nekdo pa je utrgal mojo vrtnico" the lyrics were extremely easy for some reason and I find myself singing along to it completely sometimes.

Well I knew it was going to be long, but I didn't expect this lmaooo. Pls share your opinions! I would love to know your favorite lyrics and what was your favorite part of each song too!

(I'll do demoni later 🥲)

[sysmedsaresexist]

Why should I bother healing? I mean what awaits past the pain and sorrow? Feeling lightly better? I can just chase dopamine till I'll die and still have a good enough life

I feel like I know who this is, we have an unfinished conversation, don't we?? I still have your last reply and the start of my post in my drafts, waiting for me to find words that would help. If it's not you, I hope that user sees this, as well.

Friendo, don't let your current dumb feelings and silly brain get in your way of your future

Extreme positivity ahead

Fuck around on this post and find out

-the kids these days, probably

On a very serious note, I think we've all been there, where it just feels so goddamn pointless and you're so tired. Trauma survives long after the events that caused it, digging its claws into every aspect of your life-- even the parts that seemed unrelated and safe.

I can't give you the best advice because I don't know your full situation-- age, living arrangements, financial situations, education, all of that changes the conversation, but I'm going to try to give you a general bit of hope

Age and time helps

Even mental illness tends to improve with age.

As you get older, the brain naturally settles into a (generally) calmer, happier state. I promise you, with all the sincerity and genuineness in the world, even if you did nothing, in five years you'll still feel better than you do right now.

Yes, even dissociative disorders. (PDF)

Don't be so hard on yourself.

This won't apply to everyone, obviously there is a problem with mental health in aging populations, but... don't think that's the norm, or something to be expected, and you've already taken the biggest step by noting your mental health struggles early on. One of the biggest reasons that there is a problem in seniors is because there was very little early detection, and talking about mental health was seen as taboo. You're halfway there.

And as you experience more happiness and things just feel calmer, making positive changes becomes easier, especially as more opportunities open to you every year. So.

Looking back, I think my biggest mistake was looking at myself as I was, and looking at where I wanted to be-- or, more often, what I thought everyone else was. Happy, composed, financially successful, intelligent, popular.

And good god, I felt lazy. I wasn't chronically fatigued, I was lazy, I convinced myself.

Eventually, I started looking at smaller parts of my life and tried to make tiny, easy improvements, rather than anything big.

And with each tiny improvement, and with each year, I started to feel like it was worth it. And like I deserved to have a life I was happy with, whether that met anyone else's expectations or not.

Look, I don't know what kind of crack my grandmother was on, but I couldn't keep a house like that. She had six kids and a job back in the 60s, and even at nearing 85 she would still get on her hands and knees and wash the floor. That place was always immaculate.

And that's just unrealistic. And unnecessary.

My mother was the polar opposite, and I grew up in a hoarding situation.

When I finally got out on my own, it took a while to figure it out, but I settled somewhere in the middle. The idea of keeping the house as clean as my grandmother made me want to actually off myself. I am not exaggerating. The idea was daunting and terrified me. I would rather lay down and give up than find the energy.

But the closer I got to my mother's situation, the more I hated myself, because look at how gross I was.

Here's the truth:

Fuck. Everyone.

Seriously. I swear to god, one day, a lightbulb is just going to go off, and you'll realize that you never should have cared in the first place what other people thought or expected.

My home is crowded but cozy. I no longer look around feeling overwhelmed and disgusted with myself. I do what I can and I celebrate every little step.

It's my home and I'm happy with it, and that is the only thing that matters.

Life is like my house. Live it only for yourself, and do what you can. Celebrate all of the things you do, regardless how small.

Even if you did nothing, it's still going to get better.

Imagine how much EXTRA better you can make it if you just take it in tiny, tiny steps.

Like exponential growth of better.

Feeling just slightly better today makes tomorrow feel better, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Plus, think of all the (insert animal you love) that'll you'll see.

[xunandran]

If you’d be willing and it sparks joy: Buck apologizes to Eddie for the basketball incident, and doesn’t let Eddie get down on himself; Buck also tells Eddie it’s good to see him so happy lately

Of course! This was fun to explore. I hope you like it.

Buck doesn’t know if he should knock. He stood outside the door to Eddie’s house and weighed the pros and cons of each course of action. He was still buzzing, hopped up on a dopamine high courtesy of Tommy’s tender lips. At the time, when he left his loft, talking to Eddie face to face seemed like the easier idea. Now, he kind of wished he’d opted for the phone call instead. 

As if on cue, Buck’s phone rang. He pulled it out and looked at the screen. Eddie. He answered, voice hovering between bubbly and reserved. 

“Hey, Eddie.”

“Are you going to come in?” Eddie sounded sleepy. It was probably the painkillers. 

“I-uh-how?” Buck asked, confused. 

“I saw your truck pull in. Resting my leg, remember?”

“Of course, right.” Buck hung up and pushed the door open. Christopher was currently in the living room, playing video games. Buck waved and ruffled his hair, setting his headphones askew. 

“He’s back there,” Christopher said, annoyed that Buck had caused his character to take some damage. 

“Thanks,” Buck said, trailing his fingers along the edge of the couch as he worked up the nerve to walk back. Tommy had said that Eddie felt bad about it. Tommy had said that they hadn’t meant to exclude him. And they hadn���t. Meant to, that is. 

He rapped on the frame to Eddie’s bedroom door. Eddie locked his phone and set it on the side table and waved him in. Buck chose, instead, to lean against the door frame, his hands drawn together and dangling limply in front of him. Buck couldn’t help but notice how cozy Eddie looked, nothing but an undershirt and presumably sweatpants, his blankets and pillows gathered around him. 

“I’m surprised you’re here,” Eddie quietly said. 

“I-Uh.” Buck fidgeted with the back of his neck. “Tommy came by. Cleared the air.”

Eddie nodded. “He mentioned. He needed the address after all.”

“Right,” Buck whispered slowly. He hadn’t thought of that. “Listen man, I’m sorry for losing my cool on the court.” he scruffed his hair messily before gathering his hands in front of him again. “Tommy said you weren’t upset, but there was no excuse for my behavior.”

Eddie shrugged. “I mean, there was a little bit of an excuse for your behavior, but not enough for you to bodycheck me like that.”

Buck shook his head. “No, there really wasn’t. I just, I just got wrapped up in my own head. I just saw you so happy and carefree, which is great, by the way, and I got super jealous.”

Eddie looked confused, the space between his sleepy eyes crinkling with the dip of his brows. “If me being happy was so great, why were you jealous?”

Buck sighed. “It’s silly.”

“More than likely,” Eddie laughed groggily.

Buck toed his shoe nervously, not looking into the bedroom, but rather at the floor. “I just thought you were going to want to hang out with him all the time instead of me. 

Eddie’s gaze was kind, a mixture of bemusement and feeling no pain from the meds. “Buck, did it ever occur to you that Tommy and I weren’t including you in those activities because I knew you didn’t enjoy them? Okay, yes, we got a little carried away, but I’ve already heard all of your stories, and we hadn’t found anything to invite you along to yet.”

“Really?” Buck’s voice was quiet.

“And I know I should have explained it better with the babysitting, but Christopher wanted to see his Buck instead of Marisol.

“Bet she loved that,” Buck muttered under his breath. 

Eddie waved off the comment. “That’s not important. What is important is, I love… hanging out with you. I always will, I mean except for when you’re trying to cause me permanent damage.”

Eddie smiled, and Buck laughed at his feet before looking up. “So… we’re good?” Buck asked from the door.

Eddie nodded. “Of course we’re good. Tell you what, why don’t you come over on Saturday, we’ll get a movie, some pizza, just the boys, you, me, and Christopher?”

Buck hissed lightly, trepidation bubbling. That was a conversation that was going to need to happen. This was absolutely not the time to be having that conversation. “I made plans already.”

“Okay,” Eddie said warmly. “Sunday then.”

Buck nodded, bright grin beaming. “I can do Sunday. And please don't feel bad about enjoying things with Tommy. I'm sure there's things that he's into that I'll enjoy as well.” He was thankful for the dim lights hiding the flush creeping up his cheeks."  

“Okay, I won't. Now get over here and give me a hug before you get out, unless you want to stay and keep Christopher company. I’m fading in and out at this point.”

Buck walked over and hugged the bedridden man. When he pulled away, Eddie held his arm’s fast. 

“Next time you feel left out like that, would you tell me? Please?”

“I promise, Eddie. Rest well.”

[vertoludum]

about once every couple of years i will absolutely obliterate my youtube algorithm by getting sucked into a commentary videos rabbit hole, learning about internet drama and stupid trends that i had been blissfully unaware of thus far and it's kind of embarrassing tbh.

i Intentionally avoid this type of content because its goal is getting temporary indignation-driven adrenaline and some amount of dopamine from watching someone with whom you agree tear down an idiot online, but very rarely i won't resist a title i may or may not care about and get stuck watching dozens of videos one after the other.

this time the one who got me was about influencers who buy animals for aesthetic purposes only (something which does inherently annoy me), which got recommended next to a video of a guy talking about his pet raven and why it's not a good idea to get a small bird and leave it around a corvid, bc someone had told him that's what they wanted to do (a video which i actually care about and wanted to watch) and so i clicked on the animals for clout video and since then ive watched nothing but commentary on other online content, mostly tiktok compilations of a specific phenomenon and sometimes on a specific person who's causing a particularly big ruckus.

the thing is ive only watched channels who actually add detailed commentary and do research on the topics but it still feels like one of the emptiest forms of entertainment, which actually has Negative impact on my life because i was previously Unaware of 99% of the things discussed in the videos. it's not like ive already been exposed to the drama and im just checking what my favorite pierced beanie-wearing early zoomer has to say about this thing that im already painfully acquainted with. im just finding out about all of these terrible things people are saying/doing online all at once, and getting angry/sad over them while agreeing with the commentary from the video and swiftly moving on to the next one.

i don't even mean this as an offense to the people who make the commentary videos because while discussing a generally infuriating online phenomenon IS one of the easiest ways to get people to click on a video, the people ive watched do actual work and put effort in the stuff they're making, but it still feels cheap and hollow to be caught in this temporary compulsion that occasionally overcomes me.

[muttakutagawa]

can you share about your shibusawa kids :D

yes!!!

(sorry this took so long to get out, my computer broke so its slow typing big text posts on mobile so please forgive any typos)

they're still in development at the moment as i try to build my nextgen but heres something of an overview of them so far to give you a bit of a general idea :]

some background: i like to ship shibusawa in a monstercule (monster polycule) of him, bram, lovecraft, adam, and sigma so the four kids i talk about here have additional siblings from those as well

they also each have some reptile i equate them within my mind that i use to characterize them

Tatsumi Shibusawa-Lovecraft

Tatsumi is th oldest of the family, and has the least conventional origin in comparison to not only his siblings but all my fankids (yes, even chimeraverse, even if those aren't actually technically shipkids).

He's technically closer to a singularity than anything else, first appearing as an egg shaped bundle of excess energy in the aftermath of Dead Apple. He wasn't really concious or anything during this, just a bunch of barely contained highly unstable energy swirling around. The egg was initially gathered by the ADA but was turned over to the Special Division for Unusual Powers so it could be more safely stored and observed. I don't want to spoil the entire story since I plan on writing/drawing it, so to cut to the end, the energy stored in the "egg" wasn't stable enough to actually form a living body and Shibusawa couldn't provide any more than what he already had. It required contact with another extreme source of energy, which ended up being the cosmic power Lovecraft is constantly using to maintain a human form himself. (I will say there were a couple other circumstances that could've provided Tatsumi with his stabalized human form, Lovecraft was just the one who actually made physical contact with the "egg" to actually trigger it)

His ability, Revolt of the Body doesn't actually do much, primarily because it's not much of an ability and functions more like Great Old One. It's main point of use is just shapeshifting and letting Tatsumi be able to do that without becoming unstable again. But... perhaps it does have other capabilities yet to be seen...

Tatsumi is fairly laid back but is also frequently bored and gets sleepy if his interest isn't held. He seeks out a lot of novelty to keep himself entertained (and yes as a result he is easily taken in by video games for those dopamine hits. Please don't let him near a casino.) He's rather sluggish in most aspects but when excited can cause a lot of accidental damage by forgetting how strong he is. He has a penchant for theatre and art and can be found skulking around galleries or performance halls people watching or waiting for plays or dances to begin.

He's designed to evoke a python or anaconda 🐍

References: Tatsumi Hijikata and his solo work Hijikata Tatsumi and Japanese People: Revolt of the Body

Mina Shibusawa-Stoker

Mina is the middle child of the Stoker triplets (including her older brother Jonathan and younger sister Lucy aka Lulu).

Her ability, White Wyrm Lair lets her hypnotize others. The ability takes the form of a crystalline looking serpent that inflicts a setting bite, its venom making the victim extremely susceptible to suggestion. Mina can choose to activate the latent venom at whatever point she chooses, provided the ability hasn't been deactivated in the time passed.

She's got a lot of confidence and can be a bit of a trickster, using her charms for her own amusement. She's also very into luxury and likes to lounge around. She's honestly got knife cat energy, which I love for her.

Her reptile is a komodo dragon 🐉

References: Mina Harker (character in Bram Stoker’s Dracula), Bram Stoker novel The Lair of the White Worm

Yukio Shibusawa

Yukio's one of the two "middle children" of the group (along with Slava, who isn't discussed here since they aren't a Shibusawa kid).

He's fairly laid back, or at least appears that way in terms of his introspective nature. He gets on well with most people and tries to be accommodating but can end up as a pushover in his attempts to people please conflicting against his own wants.

While he doesn't have an actual ability, he does eventually gain access to The Book. That plays a lot into his character and arch so I don't actually want to say too much about it here to avoid spoilers, sorry about that.

While it wasnt initially intended, for some reason he reminds me most of a snapping turtle 🐢

References: Yukio Mishima, assorted work by Mishima (Confessions of a Mask, The Frolic of the Beasts, The Sea of Fertility tetralogy (Spring Snow, Runaway Horses, The Temple of Dawn, and The Decay of the Angel))

Epsilon Shibusawa

Epsilon is the baby of the family!

Because they're so young I don't have too much to say unfortunately.

They don't have an ability of their own but did end up inheriting access to Draconia's fog. They're very clingy to their family and don't like to be far from them or in new places around new people. They're generally very anxious and withdrawn, but they enjoy listening to stories and solving puzzles, which helps feed their curiosity.

While designed with the inspiration of a hognose snake, they also take some aspects from crocodilians 🐊

References: the greek letter Epsilon, Tatsuhiko Shibusawa’s The Song of the Eradication and The Rib of Epicurus

Bonus "Fun" Fact!:

The reason all of them have dragonic hybrid physiology is as a result of being fused with energy from Draconia. Tatsumi is of course his own special case in regards to that being a literal singularity and Revolt Of The Body making it possible for him to shift just how human vs monster he appears.

The others are permanent, with their horns growning from the spot in their skulls where Shibusawa embedded shards of Draconia gems into them, thus making them hybrids just like him.

[jowritesfanfiction]

3. 4. 18. Fanfic ask!

Thanks for the ask!!!

3. What’s a fic idea that you have but haven’t written yet?

I already answered this one but yknow what? I’ll do it again. I’ve always really wanted to do a Back to the Future and Meet the Robinsons crossover fic. I just think both films have similar themes and the characters are very similar (especially George and Lewis. but maybe that’s because i relate to both of them…).

4. Do you prefer writing multi-chapter or oneshot fanfictions?

Oooo. I haven’t done many multi-chapter fics. Besides my current fic, the last time I did one was over a year ago. 

Generally, I tend to write one-shots more because I get that sweet dopamine from it. I write it, post it and it’s finished. And I don’t have to worry too much about the middle of my story being barren (which usually happens to me with longer stories). 

But I have been enjoying getting to flesh out a story through multiple chapters. I feel like I can incorporate more themes and have slower moments which is really nice. 

All this to say, my ADHD brain really likes writing shorter one-shots, but I have been enjoying writing longer stories. 

18. Recommend someone else fic! (And tag them if they have a tumblr!)

Okay I got two: a serious and sillier one. 

Days Like These by HaMandCheezIts (I don’t believe they have a tumblr)

A celebrity's passing shakes Marty McFly to his core, causing him to abruptly cancel his daily plans. On the advisement of his wife, Marty goes to talk to someone about his grief.

I honestly think about this one from time to time. It’s got that lovely Marty and George relationship. It also made me headcanon that Marty went into music education!

little high, little low by @mrfutureboy

Doc takes Marty to New York City circa 1999 to save the life of a very mousy future family member. (or, a tease of a potential Stuart Little crossover)

This one’s just so hysterical. I was giggling the whole time. And I even brought up this fic to a friend of mine (they hadn’t seen Back to the Future yet), which led to a whole conversation about how this fic could be canon. And I got this great quote from it: “And that is why it is canonically consistent for Stuart Little to be related to Marty McFly.”

[ferrn0]

REGARDING POSTING

heads up / TW: this looks at personal stuff + vent(? sorta) ALSO this is not super important / not essential for you to read

TL;DR:

less posting due to massive lack of motivation

want to post more and take art serious but its hard

could be depression or hormones idk dont know what to do

overthinking lots -> dont know why this is happening

crave regular change but havent had it + difficult to get change bc of parents -> maybe this is why??

going to try my best not to stress abt it

do not worry about me, im going to be okay

i havent been posting much proper/ finished/ full art ( not sketches ) because ive been really struggling with motivation this year. For all i know, it could be a depression(?) thing or perhaps hormones ( i have a uterus unfortunately) or maybe it just comes down to ADHD.. i do take medication for adhd but they dont really do much regarding dopamine so my motivation is still kinda low even when i take the meds. I really want to be posting proper art and i want to take my art more seriously however, without motivation its really difficult. Im finding myslef slipping back into what feels like a depressive mindset. kind of. yet, im super happy in so many aspects of my life where i used to be affected by this mindset. I have found a better group of people to be around ive found more things i want to do and ive got goals for the year- i didnt have those this time last year. And now.. my creativity has been affected and i dont know what to do.

-

I feel guilty for not posting. Or maybe i feel frustrated that i dont post (which leaves me with noone seeing my work). Either way, i want to post. but i cant get myself to.

this leaves me thinking...

"maybe i just need to improve my skills"

"maybe im not putting enpugh effort in, what if im just not 'trust(ing) the process' enough"

"i might need to just try a new medium"

"maybe i need a new intrest or fandom to join so i can make fanart"

"what if i was just qrong my whole life and im not cut out to be an artist?"

"perhaps theres something else wrong with me and thats why i cant get myself to do things"

And this circles round and round. So what do i do about it?? should i just take a break and not focus on posting? but i already do that anyway! do i just try to do a month long or a week long challenge? but i always miss days and eventually give up!

The more i write about this the more i realise i am not okay. and that im getting worked up over a small thing. but i am miniscule and to me this small thing is ginormous.

-

i am a kind of person who craves change. but only when i want it. And i have gone a very long time without the kind of change i need in my immediate environment. so maybe thats the issue. but i happen to be a child. who lives with his parents. so that causes some problems, dont it? not that my parents are horrible people or incredibly unfair. but because they have their own ideas of how we (me and my brothers) should grow up and what sort of privileges we get ect. because they are my parents. My parents believe that we should each have atleast one physical out-of-school activity we do each week. I do basketball. and i have been since i was in grade 5. its been almost 5 years. dont get me wrong, i love the game and i love playing it. but i find myself dreading going to each game everyweek. i need change. i want to quit bball. i also do drama classes each week(since yr 6/7)- but i like that. and i dont want to quit. because its different every week, every year. My bedroom has also been that same for the past 3 or so years, yes i have moved things around, but the furniture hasnt changed, and the walls have been the same colour with the same wall stickers since we moved in when i was in year 1. I spend a lot of time in here(my room) and it doesnt feel like mine anymore.

-

TW- eating

my medication for ADHD gives me a smaller to no appetite during the day. I no longer bring much or anything to school to eat. i dont really eat breakfast either(but i did that before i got meds anyway). I still eat dinner everyday, just a little less that i used to. and i will eat lunch (depending on situation) during the holidays and weekends mostly because it ends up getting made dor me half the time. i do suspect the rather sudden change un my eating habbits might be affecting me. but nothing terrible has happened to me yet(i have lost a few kgs but that isnt worrying as i was a little overweight beforehand). perhaps this is affecting my motivation too. but who i am to know for sure?.

END OF TW

-

i think i will just continue as i have been. but i will try my best to not worry myself over not posting. although i cannot make any garantees. not many people follow or interact with me here so i doubt this will cause too many concerns but if it does, please do not worry. i will be okay. i am working on myself.

I apologise to those who want/wanted to see my work more/more often. i hope this all makes sense and that you can understand ♡

with sillies,

thomas[FERRN0]

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[your-daily-biaswrecking]

hello, first of all just want to tell you that i do love your writing, it's so addicting to read. Well, now the request ahhh plss, one of Taehyung having a somnophilia and cum inside kink with the reader (who is his girlfriend and she gave him consent to do that). Plsss

another somnophilia drabble people... this will end up being my thing lol

If there was one thing Taehyung knew about you well, it was how you loved cumming before going to sleep. An orgasm seemed to be exactly what your brain needed to switch off, that good, good rush of dopamine that calmed you down, tired your body out till all you could do was close your eyes and drift off in the exact position you were in. You needed it like a drug. Most nights, Taehyung was there to fuck you to sleep. And on the nights Taehyung wasn’t home by the time you went to bed —either because he was out of town or just running late due to his busy schedule— he knew you were rubbing your clit lazily, nothing too extravagant, just enough to get a small high out of your body to help you in deep hibernation.

Taehyung felt like he was being conditioned to it as well; needing to fuck you every night, one way or another, or he didn’t sleep very well. And he almost got annoyed when he found you sleeping just fine without him; as if you didn’t have to have him the way he did. Your little, amateur fingers apparently doing it for you, you didn’t have to have Taehyung use his amazing skills on you. He knew, of course, that his touches were always preferred and welcome. You had told him many times about how you were always craving for him, even when asleep. And you had given him the green light— or perhaps more accurately you had pleaded him to make you cum even on those nights you were forced to fall asleep without him, only half satisfied. Something about being touched in your sleep turning you on so much and making you think it was an even better option than just regular sex. That way, Taehyung could get himself off while you were given exactly what you would have been striving for from the beginning.

The man got home late yet again, thinking about how he couldn’t wait to go to bed. About how he couldn’t wait to fuck you just like always. But he found you already slumbering, little snores coming from your nose as you had your face partly buried in a pillow you were hugging— poor substitution for the man you loved. He clicked his tongue in disappointment; before he realized this shouldn’t upset him. Not at all. You looked so cute sleeping like that. You were laying on your side, ass perked as if you were throwing it back on him. And he knew you were still needy. He knew those little fingers of yours hadn’t done a good job at giving you an orgasm hard enough to make you pass out for the rest of the night.

Taehyung knew you had been touching yourself by the smell in the room. And when he crawled on the bed, pulling the shirt you were dressed in over your hips, he discovered you were completely naked underneath. A small groan in the back of his throat, hand stroking your ass and delving through your cheeks until he found your cunt, squished between your thighs.

“Fuck,” he gasped. Fingertips grazing your slick folds, so slick they just glided up and down with no friction at all. You had definitely been touching yourself, the evidence still dripping out of you. Just how hot Taehyung found that, you had no idea. How he instantly got hard as he started feeling you up even more, breath getting heavier as he thought about you rubbing your cunt desperately, trying to find your release, and surely wishing your boyfriend had been there for you. There was a soft whine that vibrated in your throat, and you squirmed. “My pretty girl…” he mumbled, fingers touching you harder. “I bet she really wants my cock inside her right now.”

Your body was reacting to his presence even if you were unaware of it. And it filled Taehyung with such pride. Even in your sleep, you wanted him to fuck you. Such a needy, little slut, you were almost moaning at him even if your eyes were still closed. He decided he wanted to be quiet, he didn’t want to wake you. Just so that he could slip his hard cock inside your soaking cunt that felt so tight in that position, and fuck you slowly while he watched you twitch, your face scrunching up with pleasure unbeknownst to you, mouth dropping to breathe more heavily against that pillow you were still clutching.

“It’s okay, baby,” Taehyung was moaning as he felt the way your walls were pulsing around him, a tiny whine with each of his thrusts. “Daddy’s gonna take care of you.” He leaned forward, tummy pressed against your hip as he caged you underneath him, mouth hot over your ear as he started nibbling you. “Gonna make you cum in your sleep, baby,” he whispered in his deep voice, words broken up by little puffs. “Just how you like it.”

You were moaning harder, making him wonder if you were waking up. Arms tightening around that pillow, back arching so that your ass was pressing harder down on him. And Taehyung held himself over you, gaining some momentum and ramming his dick harder into you. One hand holding your ass so that he could find the position that allowed him to attack you right on that swollen spot in your cunt. And you were crying in response, squirming under him so much— you must have woken up. Or perhaps you thought this was all a dream and didn’t bother opening your eyes. Just high-pitched, needy moans escaping your mouth, legs rubbing together and confining his dick tighter.

“Come on, baby,” he cooed. “Cum for Daddy. Give me a good, big orgasm ‘cause I know you have more in you.” You were shaking under him now, whining so hard you almost woke yourself up. “So fucking hot…” he was moaning as well. Both hands on your hip now as he started thrusting you over his dick to meet his own movements. “Pretty, little girl getting fucked in her sleep.” You were clenching him so hard that it had him groaning loudly. “I bet you love it. I bet you’re dreaming about me filling you up right now.”

Almost like you could hear his words —and perhaps your brain somehow could— you cried out and came all over him, jerking at the intense peak that Taehyung had managed to give you. And just the fact that he managed to do that without waking you up had him so close, too. He leaned down to kiss your neck again, grunting in your ear. “So good, baby. Good girl. Daddy’s gonna give you all of his cum now. Gonna fill that pussy up well so that you can sleep like a baby tonight. Full.”

And he spilled into you, seed hot and tickling you, flowing out in a combination with your own juices when he finally pulled out and staining your thighs. Your boyfriend looked at you, noticing your breathing gone back to normal, face calm and blissful. You looked happier now that you were full of his cum. And he gave you a kiss on your temple before spooning you to sleep. “Told you Daddy would take good care of you, baby…”

Masterlist

[yandere-sins]

Unwillingly

Both a continuation to Circumstances and a request made by @xiao-yu-tan , have some Atsumu fuckery with his darling! The request wasn’t specific and since I was working on this already I thought I’d combine it! Please enjoy ♥

Characters: Yandere!Atsumu Miya x (afab)Darling, Yandere Osamu Miya Rating/Warning: Mature, Yandere, Lemon, Non-Con Words: 3587

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

Shaken, you eyed the clock mounted to the wall above the entrance to your room. It was still too early. Too damn early. You tried to twist out of Atsumu's arms, but to no avail; his muscles only tensed up more, holding you down with him on the floor. His chest was snuck against your back, enveloping every curve you had, properly with his body. In his grip, it was unbearably hot, the smell of sweat mixed with deodorant surrounding you, while you wished the time would pass faster.

 "He's not coming, ya know?" Atsumu chimed, knowing exactly why you were so frigid despite his best attempts to warm you up to the idea of being alone with him for a while. Usually, it was Osamu who'd come home first and keep his brother - who was filled to the brim with dopamine and every other hormone after his training - at bay. But without you being aware, they seemed to have come to an agreement that it would be Atsumu's turn to be early that day.

 "'Samu's too busy to look after you all the time," he mused, a stinging tease on his brother, but he knew you wouldn't go snitching on him for the sake of not upsetting either of the two. "And I so looked forward to spending some time with only you."

You sighed inwardly as you listened to his words. Even if they were suave to the ear of the ignorant and unaware, they weren't fooling you even a little bit. Still, you bit your lip, felt his hand travel, and tried to keep your breathing steady and not panicky. All you could think of was how thankful you were for your winter clothes, thick in material and guarding you longer than the flimsy summer negligees the brother's preferred on you. Perhaps, if they could keep him at bay long enough, you'd be saved by one miracle or another. 

Of course, that was very naive thinking. Suppose Atsumu was aware his brother was going to open the door any second now. In that case, he might have resorted to playing a video game with you instead, enjoying that he was able to have you in his lap for the time being. But he knew better, and at 25, Atsumu had different games in mind than the ones the twins bought and let you play on occasion.

Holding your breath, his hand found it's way under the pullover that you tugged into your pajama pants. Having to dig for something wasn't uncommon for him considering his career, and he didn't mind those minor conditions he had to evade if they concerned you. With undivided attention, his fingers touched what they could reach, driving a chilling sensation up your sides and down to your stomach before the pullover ended up dissatisfying to him. 

Pulling at the freed end of the fabric, he brought his second hand in for assistance, pulling it over your head despite your whiny protest. An "It's cold!" from you was not enough to make him reconsider undressing you. To avoid having your brand new pullover ripped by him if you didn't work with him on getting it over your head and off your arms, you complied reluctantly. Maybe, so you hoped, if you gave him that much, he'd be satisfied after all. In favor of your hopes, you went so far as to disregard the fact that Atsumu was insatiable when it came to two things: Volleyball and you. 

"Don't worry, I'll warm you," was his brief response, before a long, blissful sigh left his mouth, face sinking into the nape of your neck. Atsumu let his nose and lips run down your skin, all the way to the end of your shoulder, planting the softest kisses he could muster, despite his desire for you growing the longer he had the chance to feel you.

There wasn't much you could do to resist him. Had you known he'd come home early, you'd have hidden in the bathroom from him until Osamu showed up, but there was no time for it now. Denying his invitation to sit in his lap and cuddle would only have brought another temper tantrum over you, guilt being thrown at you as Atsumu took the place of the victim, never intending anything bad, but you still avoided him as if he was out there to hurt you. 

"Atsumu," you grumbled protestingly, twisting your torso and shoving away the ever-curious hands of his. One perk of being a volleyball player was how well-maintained his hands were, but that didn't change the fact that they were big and eager as they made their way towards your breasts, your bra being a minor inconvenience on the path. With the fabric still coating your skin, he gave them a good squeeze, a small effort for a man who knew how to use his hands in just the right way, but it was enough to cause a gasp to erupt from you. With your arms pushed on top of his, you tried to pry him off you, but he merely fiddled with your bra, the unusual clasp on the front now making a lot of sense as to why this specific one was chosen for you. 

The bra coming undone, Atsumu didn't let you beg him to touch you, especially not with your mouth being busy uttering mixtures of disapproving utters and the occasional unholdable sigh of arousal. Having him feel you up wasn't a new experience, but at no time had you been exactly happy about what he did. There simply were boundaries you wished you had never crossed with either of the two of them, but in your defense, being held captive by the brothers wasn't the way you assumed your life would take someday. 

Fondling your breast at his own enjoyable pace, his free, right hand began to wander south, dipping into the area between your legs, which you were quick to close as you felt him approach. Undeterred, he pressed one finger in the gap between them, and you felt one after the other following as he spread out his presence. The sensation of his fingertips tapping against your private parts made your back arch away from him, hands shooting forward to pull his off, but like a warning, the sensation of his warm lips and prominent teeth nibbling at your earlobe made you hesitant.

There still were two layers of fabric between his fingers and your pussy, but that didn't spare you from the wince as his pointer found your clit. Music to his ears, it made him eager to hear more, another finger joining in as he dragged them along your slit, pushing and releasing at the sensitive knob. All for his confidence and your pleasure, yet, discomfort. 

Pulling you back against his chest, Atsumu was a fast worker, stirring you and your emotions up quickly. It wasn't even until he slipped his hand beneath your shorts and panties that you even noticed you were biting back moans from his touches. His fingers were rolling your nipple between them, while he - despite your legs clamped together in protest - managed to plunge one finger into your depths, coating it in the juices collecting and spilling onto your panties. You muffled your cry by biting your lip but gave him one last fight if he wanted to touch you so desperately. However, like a fox biting down the goose's neck, you were no match to his built anymore, the time spent in this room having worn down most of your capabilities when it came to strength.

Securing you by throwing you forward, Atsumu had a great time hearing your gasp as your warmed up breast hit the cold ground, sensitivity spiking. At the same time, with your ass in the air, you had to open up your legs now, Atsumu taking great pleasure in dipping two fingers into you, exploring your walls, and opening up your hole. Atsumu took great pride in feeling you clenching around his fingers while he curled them inside you, and you merely held back the noises your body wanted to make.

There was something so entirely unfair in the fact he got to do what he wanted with you, and you still hoped that for some magical reason, you'd be saved from anything else he could have put into his head. But when he was finally done testing your waters, you could barely breathe a sigh of relief. Only for a matter of second did your gaze cross his, and then went to the wet fingers he pulled from your pussy, smacking them together right next to your head and pulling strings from them before having a taste himself. 

His tongue licked up the fluids in a way you could best describe as having chocolate drip from his fingers and indulging in it. Atsumu didn't break eye contact with you, no matter how disgusted you were about the way he shamelessly and deliciously pushed and wrapped his tongue around his very own fingers. Just for a split second, it made you wonder what else he could do with this tongue of his before you caught a grip on yourself and tore your eyes away.

This way, you didn't have to look at the smirk on his face, knowing exactly what those frantic movements meant. Eating you out would have been a pleasure for him, but he too gave the clock a glance, overthrowing the minutes in his head before his brother would be standing in the door. Osamu was an unpleasant onlooker, in Atsumu's opinion, for what he actually wanted to do with you.

The next few movements happened so quickly, you were shocked awake as his palm crossed your bare asscheek, making you yelp in surprise after he had pulled down your pants in one swift motion. By now, you didn't believe someone was going to come to magically save you anymore. In one last attempt, you crawled forward, almost succeeding in getting away a few inches from him if not for his hands grabbing around your hips, pulling you back, and snuck into his hips. 

You didn't need to look back to know what was situated against your butt, the shaft dragging all the way down to your cunt. Thanks to the work on you, his cock had already started to harden, enjoying the free lubricant that Atsumu had spread over your sex with his fingers before. He dragged his length down and up again, have his tip poke at your entrance under your mewls, before he finally sunk it in, spreading you wide open to accommodate him.

It was an almost reverent silence between you two while he pushed inside, a sharp breath flitting through his teeth. At least, it didn't hurt anymore, you had to admit, despite the tears collecting in your eyes, dripping onto your forearms and the floor. Still, the shame, unwillingness, and humiliation remained, even if it wasn't the first or the last time you two would be doing this.

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

"Fuck, that's it, Babe," he mumbled, pulling you up into a knee stand. One arm supporting your discouraged body, he let the other sink down to your thigh, gripping and kneading it as he began to pump into you. Slow at first, Atsumu enjoyed the feeling of your warmth around him, not because you were his glorified cockwarmer, no, rather because it had been so long he had you all to himself. 

There were perks and disadvantages when it came to sharing you with his brother. One of those disadvantages was that he rarely had you to himself, and Osamu wasn't fond of giving him the alone time that Atsumu wished he had with you. Doing these kinds of things in front of his brother not only would cause him trouble, but also an overprotective Osamu since you couldn't do wrong in his eyes. If you behaved, Osamu was more than willing to protect every dignity you had.

The truth was that both brothers knew that their doings weren't the best, but Atsumu had long given up breaking his pretty head over the fact. You three being together was the optimal arrangement, and he could live very well, knowing he only had to share you with his brother.

A brother who didn't even know how good your pussy felt.

Wrapping around his cock, your walls were so damn tight, trying to keep him out but only arousing him more. Since he was the only one for you, Atsumu liked to imagine that you were shaped to his form. The wet, slapping sound that his balls made every time they collided with your clit was only prove that he loved you well, even if you were always so reluctant to admit it. Atsumu didn't have much patience; he'd have done anything to make your lovely voice ring out. However, judging by how your face contorted between the denial of pleasure and spurts of delight crossing over it, he knew that even your pride and reluctance would break in no-time.

"Come on," he taunted you, his free hand wandering to your clit again, as your breath hitched, hands grabbing his arm around you. You weren't even trying to break free anymore; you just were adamant about not admitting it felt good to you too. With his lips caressing your shoulder, Atsumu was tempted to leave another mark on you, despite knowing Osamu would disapprove once he found it. He was still trying to decide if he wanted to risk it, as your voice finally broke free, moans sliding off your lips temptingly. 

"Aah… Atsumu--"

"That's right!" Picking up the pace, he pressed you closer, leaning forward so his cock could reach new depths while you gasped and huffed, shaking your head desperately. "N-No, slow down! You're to fa- fast!" you gasped forth between his pushes, the pace never changing despite your pleas. 

"It's alright, I know you like it!"

Who could deny him the warm, fuzzy feeling collecting in his stomach as he listened to the sounds you two made while making love? Even now, you probably didn't understand what he was feeling for you. The way Atsumu only thought about you all the time. Even when playing volleyball did he think about you, every time he set the ball for a point for his team, he was devoting it to you, and every game he played, he played so he could watch it together with you later, showing you how great your boyfriend was.

There was no one else besides his brother that he'd want to share the feeling of holding you in his arms. The way he could bury his head in your hair, give you his hoodie to wear, and share his favorite onigiri with you. No one else would ever bring out the same joy he felt when he did those things with you. Even now, as he fucked you senseless, Atsumu knew that you were the only one he wanted to share his life with in every aspect. 

Sex was just another way of proving to you how capable he was. He wouldn't let you go dissatisfied, and he would be the one to make you scream and shout in pleasure, his dick stirring you up to the point where you'd forget all the bad memories you harbored. Atsumu would make new, beautiful memories in your mind. The ones you'd like looking back on if only you gave him the time to create those. 

Pumping into you, he let you down again, finally turning you over and helping to arrange your legs. There was a mix of tears and sobs in your voice, but undeniably, some part of you must have enjoyed it too. You avoided his eyes, shielding your face with one of your arms, but he could see the trembling in your lips, showing him your excitement. At least that's what he wanted to believe. By the way you felt, wrapping tightly around him, Atsumu couldn't hold back the pride he felt, knowing you were about to climax, nonetheless from his efforts. 

"It's fine, I'll cum too," he assured you, lovestruck by how wonderful it made him feel. You stirred, panicked, as you heard his words, reaching out to push him away. But he only caught your hand as you tried to bang it into his chest, bringing it up to his face and kissing your knuckles over and over, eyes closing in anticipation of his own orgasm.

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

"Not inside--" were your last words when he suddenly tugged at your arm hard. Suddenly, it was as if nothing was holding him back anymore, and you could only wring and beg as he kept pumping his cock into you. You didn't want to cum; you didn't want any of this! You wished he'd simply pull out and be done with this. But you knew it wouldn't be that easy, would it?

Bodies colliding without another warning, your toes curled as you let out an echoing gasp, ending up in a sob. Hot spurts of semen collected inside of you as Atsumu groaned, muffling himself in your shoulder as he fell on top of you. The words got caught in your throat as you felt him tremble above you, letting out meek confessions of love while all you could think about was the panic of a pregnancy unfolding in your mind. He seemed unbothered as could be, kissing on top of your collarbone. 

Even though he sighed in satisfaction, you felt his hips pick up a rolling motion, widening your insides and distributing his semen evenly everywhere, while you felt the tears return to your eyes, your body shuddering from the recent orgasm. You couldn't hold back your shaking shoulders, which he kissed so lovingly, and much more so, you could not understand how he could lift himself up to look you into your eyes so innocently.

"That was amazing, Sweetie," he mused, kissing away the tears from your eyes as they rolled down your temples. "It felt good, right?" 

His voice was sickenly ecstatic like a child that just won a prize, bringing it home to their mother to show it off. But the moment a sudden click reached his ear, followed by a rustling, the pleased smile disappeared from his face, a frown appearing instead. Instantly, he stopped all he was doing, cock still buried deep into you, and your eyes opened wide too. There weren't exactly many people with keys to your home. Even fewer people with access to your room.

"I'm back," the two of you heard, and Atsumu sighed a quiet, "Fuck. That bastard," before the door opened, Osamu stepping in. There was no time to break away from each other, much less clean yourself up and pretend nothing happened. 

Osamu's eyes widened as he saw you two lay on the floor, disheveled and you in tears. However, he was speechless about what he encountered, and you exchanged an apologizing glance with him before throwing a panicked one at Atsumu. Grinning, Atsumu winked stuck out his tongue as to say, "Oopsie, we got caught!" and it was right then and there that you realized that no matter what you did, this probably wouldn't end well for you.

"It was fun as long as it lasted," he laughed loudly, innocent of all charges. "Sorry, 'Samu. They seduced me."

You weren't sure if the two even perceived the shocked huff you let out as they stared at each other. "Unbelievable," Osamu hissed through gritted teeth, and Atsumu finally got up, pulling his cock, and with it the collected fluids, out of you. He held out his free hand, using the other to hold his flaccid member, while he asked for tissues.

The look on Osamu's face spoke more than a thousand words before the younger twin took the tissue box from the table, throwing it right at his brother's head. "Wow, okay, rude ass!" Atsumu complained, getting to his feet before taking his cleaning business out of the room, absolutely unfazed by the wrath you felt emitting from Osamu, who went after his brother.

However, before he banged the door shut, he turned back halfway towards you, his expression grim and with the most effort not to look at you entirely. "This is not over," he warned, his pointer coming up reprimandingly. "Get in the bath. Now."

So you did. You didn't even wait for him to be out of the door before you were up and running, feeling the disgusting fluids run down your thighs. For a moment, you considered locking the entrance to the bath behind you, but you were struck with the fear of what Osamu would do if you'd lock yourself in now. 

Even now, you could hear their screams and shouts, despite it being almost three rooms away. It was hard to understand their furious words, at least Osamu getting louder with every accusation. You were curious what exactly angered him the most, but knowing you'd probably find out soon enough, you sat down inside the bathtub, turning on the water to tune out their voices.

But even the warm stream of water could not save you from Osamu as he finally marched through the door, locking it behind him. You acknowledged him getting undressed with a brief glance, sinking deeper into the tub filling with water, secretly hoping it would drown you before he could.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

↑ Everyone @ Boris Johnson right now.

I am so annoyed that this is happening in a week with no News Quiz, no Now Show, no Mock the Week. The Last Leg doesn’t come back until next Friday, and God knows what things will look like by then. I can picture the Last Leg writers frantically writing jokes as the story unfolds, constantly having to scrap and redo them when things change. Late Night Mash doesn’t start again until the fall, and there’s no point in even guessing what they’ll have to talk about at that point.

This, more than anything else, might be what finally gets me to check out the post-Oliver Bugle. If they put an episode out tomorrow, I might have to listen to it just because it’s the only topical comedy happening this week, and if I can enjoy that one without constantly thinking, “no this is incorrect where is the trans-Atlantic Smurf man?”, it might make me decide to try the other ones too. And that reminds me, Last Week Tonight is also not coming back until the end of July. This is more than big enough so even that generally American-focused show would have to cover it, but it’s not happening either.

For the second time in a few weeks (the first being post-Roe v Wade), I have become a person who looks at Twitter, because I don’t want to wait for the next episodes of topical comedy shows to get released before I hear what these people have to say. I found some stuff, enjoyed it, but am already feeling how potentially lethally dopamine-inducing the quick hits on Twitter could be, so I shall be careful not to get drawn in too much. This is a temporary thing to only be employed on special occasions, like when an entire country rolls back women’s rights by very literal decades in one fell swoop, or when the British PM goes down in a blaze of fire and brimstone.

Frankie obviously has a bunch, but for some reason this is the one that made me laugh out loud:

And of course, there is one voice we can always count on. If the shitshow he was put through in the last couple of days caused mental health triggers, due to its similarity to another time when white people being mad at Nish Kumar somehow made the actual real news - which it genuinely might have done and that genuinely upsets me on his behalf - Nish Kumar is not letting it stop him from being all over this today.

This makes me even more glad I’m going to see his show at the end of July, even though I already saw it in May. Boris-based material didn’t make up too much of the show, but it definitely made up some of the show, and he’s going to have to rewrite that now. So I will not be seeing the exact same show again, and I’m looking forward to seeing how he updates it.

Is it weird that even when I went to sleep last night, with over 40 resignations and counting, I didn’t think this would happen? It’s sort of the same as how I never thought the Brexit referendum might pass until the moment it actually did, even though looking back, there were good reasons to believe it was a possibility. It was just such a huge change from the status quo, and I was used to the idea that the status quo does not change that much in one fucking day (oh God, what simpler times those were).

Now, the status quo is that people at high levels of power do unbelievably horrible, stupid, incompetent things, and never face consequences. And I just expected that to keep being the case. Not that this is some great example of power being held accountable. Boris Johnson got away with accomplishing pretty much everything he wanted to do, including many things that will be very difficult or impossible for future governments to fix (I almost left out the word “impossible” there, because anything can be overturned if you try hard enough for enough years, as we recently learned with the Roe v. Wade decision, but then I remembered that no amount of political or legislative will can bring back people who’ve died of COVID). And he’s only going to be replaced by someone who’s just as bad. But still, I really didn’t think this would actually work. I think I might be a little impressed with some of the worst people in the world. This doesn’t make them not the worst people anymore, but they did manage to do... something. I guess time will tell what the hell they actually did.

Anyway, hope everyone in the UK is having a good time. In the words of the great Zaltzman and Oliver, isn’t democracy fun?

[mcrmadness]

Writing asks: 8, 53, 91

Fanfic ask game here.

Thanks!!! :D

8. what’s your relationship with constructive criticism and feedback like? do you seek it out? how well do you take it?

I love it. And I'd say I take it well too. In fact I wish I would get even more of that - I'm always kinda seeking out feedback but it's pretty difficult to find nowadays. Back in the day there were no "Like" buttons nor reading counters and such anywhere, so if you read and liked something, the only way to let the other person know about that was by leaving a comment.

I still kinda miss that time, as I still don't exactly understand what e.g. Kudos on AO3 is for. For me it's similar feature as a heart or thumbs up on social medias etc., and it never really tells why the person left kudos. Did they really like it? Were there things they did not like? Were there things the author could do better? What were the things that caused the reader to click "kudos"? I get a slight dopamine rush from kudos, but it's not that long-lasting as seeing that you've got a new comment, especially if the comment is longer than just a couple of words. Sometimes I keep thinking about a comment for days or weeks, that's how much more valuable they are, and they always make me much more motivated to continue what I'm doing. Way more than what kudos ever can.

Usually if I read something and like it, I always leave comment in one way or another. Either under the story or directly to the author. I started doing this when I was maybe 16-17, and honestly, leaving feedback is also a skill! A skill where you can get better only by practicing it - by leaving feedback. Eventually you will learn to look at the thing (be it fanfiction or any piece of art) from the point of view that helps you build the comment.

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53. when writing, do you have an outline? and do you stick to it?

Outline as in... a plot or some sort of a plan? It depends, but usually I do. I remember I wrote my first ever fanfiction without one, and I just kept writing whatever I wanted and the story ended up being a very messy one, like you'd expect too.

After that I decided to create the story idea before anything else, also because it'd help me to finish the story eventually. Normally my outline is just "all these events in a chronological order", which is also the plot. I think I picked up this habit from my comics history, as as a kid I drew all my comics without a plot and none of them was ever finished, until I was 14 and had an idea that I should create a plot before I start drawing, and I managed to draw my first ever comic that I also finished - and it was only a couple of pages long, in comparison to those never-ending stories that sometimes ran for up to 20 pages (tho, most of then never getting past the first page).

So if I'm writing a longer fic, I often have some sort of an idea I try to stick to so that I'd finish it eventually. With shorter ones it often starts with one (fluffy) scenario and I build everything else around it. Sometimes I connect several scenarios into one story. With the shorter ones it's okay to just write whatever I feel like writing without thinking too much. But it really depends on the idea, as sometimes I get an idea from something and the idea itself already kinda defines the outline for the plot.

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91. how has your writing style changed over the years?

Well, I was ~15 when I wrote my first fanfics and now I'm 31. I don't think I was a bad writer even then, sometimes I still visit my old fanfics and I'm actually amazed by the skills I had back then. I never felt that good of a writer and I was just writing for fun, so it's very interesting to read those now because I definitely was better writer than I thought I was!

Also my first fics I wrote in Finnish and then I switched to English with the die ärzte fanfics when I was 18, and from those times the biggest progress has been: the language. My overall English skills are much much better than they were back in the day, still not perfect, but good enough. There are still it's own challenges at writing in English as I often know exactly what I want to say and I know how to write that in Finnish, but I just can't put it into words in English - or alternatively end up reusing the same words over and over again because I haven't learnt alternatives or can't memorize them.

I'd also say that the most recent change in my writing style is switching away from the standard heteronormative and amatonormative narration. I no longer use sayings like "just friends" or "more than friends" because a romantic relationship is not superior to platonic relationships, nor is it any kind of "next level" from friendships. Maybe for some it might be and good for them I guess, but what is not cool is to think it goes like that for everyone else too. So in my writing it no longer is "physical touch only if they're romantically interested in or involved with each other", but they can be physically as close as they want without having to worry about being "just friends" and that not being okay for "just friends" - because this concept no longer exists in my writing. The only time I might use this is when the characters themselves talk about it because in their world and era it might still be a thing and important for the plot and gives more realism for the story.

I also feel that my writing has "matured", in a way. Like, I know I've never written NSFW in the first place, but my stories were definitely a bit wilder when I was younger. So to say, I have calmed down myself and so have my fics. They're no longer behaving like they'd be living in a chronic honeymoon phase, but there's more of emotional intimacy that doesn't always need physical fluff to work. Or maybe it's again just my own aromanticism getting stronger the older I get, who knows...