#cause it's not like youre only a year and change out from two major surgeries and radiation on top of chronic conditions

[lupismaris]

.

[bellysoupset]

heyy it’s me, could u maybe write another fic like after luke’s surgery and bells taking care of him but like he’s still throwing up because he’s not sure how to properly take care of himself ( my friend told me when she ate fried stuff after she had appendicitis like the surgery she’d throw up ) and him and bell still working through their issues ,,, no pressure tho :))

i love these two sm and ur fics never miss ur so so talented 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

Had so much fun navigating the aftermath of a surgery and the aftermath of a breakup all together. Thank you so much for the prompt!

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Bella would be lying if she said it didn't feel weird as hell to be back in the apartment.

Luke's apartment. It had taken her a long time to accept having a key and an even longer time to start thinking of that place as "theirs", even though the large majority of everything she owned was there.

It had been a punch in the gut to finally think of that place as home, only for the break up to happen.

"Bells?" Luke called her, concerned when she stopped walking. She shook her head, offering him a smile.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine," he smiled back, "just like I was fine ten minutes ago when you asked. Or twenty. Or-"

"Don't be snarky, you scared the life out of me," Bella scoffed, slapping his chest. Luke winced when the pain echoed down, but his smile didn't waver.

"Sorry, baby..." he sat down on the couch, putting his feet up and breathing out deeply. It was clear that the short walk from the car to the apartment had already been too much.

"I think you should go to bed, not the couch," Bella told him, avoiding looking around. She wanted to see what had changed in the three months she had been away. Hopefully nothing.

"I know, I know," he grabbed the belt loop of her jeans and tugged at it, causing her to fall sideways across his lap. Bella let out a squeal, while he groaned and leaned his head back, "shit, that was a bad idea."

"What the hell was the idea!?" Bella squealed, scrambling out of his lap, "burst your stitches?"

He pouted, "I just wanted to hug you..."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Luke," Bella chuckled, surprised and then she moved closer on the couch, throwing her arms around him, "better?"

"Not quite," he sighed, but leaned his head against hers, nose brushing her temple, "I missed you so much."

"I missed you t-"

A loud growl interrupted her and Bella glanced down at Lucas' belly, "wow, are you alright?"

He nodded, refusing to pull back, "hungry," Luke kissed her cheek, "what's going through your mind?"

"What do you wanna eat?" She asked instead of acknowledging the question. That was a can of worms Bella did not want to get into.

"Uhm, you-"

"Lucas."

"Fries," he chuckled, "milkshake and fries."

It did sound great and better yet, it sounded like something they could order in. Bella smiled, "as you wish, your royal highness."

"Don't be mean to me, I'm severely woun- Ah fuck," Lucas' well humored voice vanished, "I'm gonna miss the quarter finals!"

Bella rolled her eyes, slumping against him as she scrolled through the restaurant app, "you could use a break, Luke."

"At the quarter finals!?" he whined, "fucking hell, that's what we spent the whole year playing for."

"Well, if we win we move to the semifinals and then you can join", she glanced up, then planted a kiss over his pout, standing up, "it'll work out... Alright, I need to stop by my dorm to pick up the rest of my boxes and then on the way back I'll grab our order, sounds good?"

Lucas frowned, "you're... No, where are you going?" he looked confused, "I thought you said you'd stay here..."

"I'm coming back here after," she planted a kiss over his pout, "I need to finish clearing my room."

"I-"

"I'll be right back," she interrupted again, kissing him once more before grabbing her purse by the door and walking out.

Lucas let out a sour sigh, something was wrong.

He wasn't dumb, not for a second had Luke thought everything would be back to how it always were, but still, a small part of him had hoped.

He mulled over her words, while answering his texts. Vince had sent a bunch of messages, ranging from worried questions, to memes about him and Bella being back together - how the hell did he know that already?? -, to serious messages about the incoming game.

As Lucas typed back, it dawned on him that Bella had mentioned clearing the dorms. By the time she made it back, holding a bag of greasy fast food and already sucking on her milkshake, Lucas' good mood had all but vanished.

"They didn't have strawberry," Bella said, handing him the large plastic cup, "but they had banana."

"Thank you," Lucas scooted up on the couch, accepting the bag and moving so Bells would have enough space to sit next to him. He planted the milkshake on the coffee table, starting to dig through the bag and handing her the chicken option, "Bells?"

"Yes?" she settled comfortably down next to him, unwrapping the sandwich.

Lucas fiddled with the wrapping paper of his burger, deciding against it and then going for the fries. He stuffed a bunch in his mouth while Bella watched him with a small frown on.

"Luke? What is it?"

Lucas took his sweet time chewing. He didn't want to fight, he had just gotten her back and after four days at the hospital, he just wanted to get in bed with his girlfriend and finally fall asleep knowing Bella would be there in the morning. He considered waving it off, say he didn't mean anything and ask about all the other things he wanted to know from the 4 months they had been broken up for...

"Lucas?"

"You said you were clearing the dorms," he said slowly, "but there are no boxes here, so clearly you're not- You're not coming back?"

It tasted sour just to say that. Lucas reached for the milkshake, sucking it in while he watched Bella open her mouth to answer and then snap it shut twice. She lowered her sandwich, untouched.

"Luke..."

"Are we not back together?" he asked, unable to stop himself. Bella's eyes widened.

"Of course! Of course we are!"

The squeeze around his heart undid just a bit. Lucas frowned, "then where-"

"But I'm not coming back here, Luke," she pouted, looking around the apartment, "I can't do this again... This- It's a type of instability that I can't deal with."

"What do you mean? This is our-"

"It's not," she glared at him, but not in an angry way, just stern, "it's not our place, Lucas. I knew this from the start, that's why I took so long to move in, remember? But then... Then I moved in, because we were really serious and steady by then, only for you to break up with me and kick me out."

"I never kicked you out," he said strongly, only to receive an eyeroll.

"Same fucking difference, Lucas. The apartment is yours, I was the one who had to move out. Don't act like I'm being irrational."

She was right. Of course she was right, it hadn't even occurred him to leave because it was his place, after all. However to him this was a small, unimportant detail. Not to Bella.

Lucas nodded, looking away from her, unable to support her serious gaze and continued to polish off the fries, if only so he'd have anything to busy himself with.

Bella let out a heavy sigh, "you're angry."

"I am," he agreed, "not at you, though."

"No?"

"No" he finished off the last five fries and pushed the package away, settling back against the couch cushions, stirring the milkshake with his straw in order to put his thoughts together, "I loved the life we had, Bell. It took a fucking while to get you to move in with me, I remember, and it was worth it. I loved sharing this place, I loved coming home and finding you here. I hated the past few months and the extra bed space and the empty closet and none of your sauces in the fridge."

He met her eyes and Bella's nose looked slightly red, blue eyes overly shiny. Lucas sighed, "I'm just angry I blew all of that."

"I..." her voice broke and Bella breathed out slowly, pulling herself together, "I'm sorry Luke."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he shrugged, stabbing the milkshake again with the straw, "tell me about the new place? Do you have pictures? When did you pick it?"

Her shoulders dropped in visible relief, another huge sign of how immensely he had fucked them up that now his girlfriend felt tense about her choices around him. Lucas mentally kicked himself, but leaned in as Bell fished out her phone to show him, finally starting to eat.

She rested her head on his shoulder, scrolling through her camera roll, "okay so, Wen helped me pick-"

"Wendy?" He raised his eyebrows, sucking in the rest of the milkshake and wincing at the overly sweet taste, "Vin's girl?"

"Yeah," Bella nodded eagerly, "I met her in a bar during- A couple months ago and she's been really amazing. She introduced me to a bunch of her friends and she's helped so fucking much, Luke."

"Oh," he felt his chest burn, "that's great, Bella, I'm happy you two are friends now."

Bella beamed, turning her face to plant a kiss on his chest and then clicking on the first pick, "so it's up the hill, near that house decor store, you know?" she said, showing him the map, "the rent in that area is cheaper, so that's great-"

He listened eagerly as Bell continued to blab on about the new place, which Lucas was feeling more and more jealous of. He knew it was insanity to feel jealous of a place, but he did. Nevertheless he kept the smile on and it wasn't even a fake one. He might hate her moving away from him, but he did love to see Bella so eager about something.

His belly cramped lightly and he shifted on the couch, regretting eating all of that food so fast after four days of a purely liquid diet. Bella moved along with his body, draping herself over him as she continued to gush about her plans to DIY the bedroom floor.

"I could help you build a floating desk here," he said, pointing at a corner in the room, "so you have a work station and don't fuck your back working in bed."

"Yeah!?" Bella smiled, excited, "I was thinking of putting floating shelves here for the viny-" she interrupted herself as Lucas' stomach let out a loud growl. With her pressed so close to him, she had heard it clearly. Her eyebrows jumped up, "Are you still hungry?"

"No," he winced, tugging on the pants, "ate too fast, my belly's a little upset."

"it's probably gas, they warned you about it remember?" Bella noted, leaning in to kiss his cheek, "let's go to bed, we can keep talking there."

Getting up released some of the pressure and Lucas muffled a gross, thick belch against his hand, blowing it out away from her. He wrinkled his nose at the smell of bananas, "gross."

Bella snorted, grabbing the ditched wrappers and plastic cups, "go lie down, I'll be there in a minute."

He nodded, walking slowly towards the bedroom. While sitting down he had completely forgotten about the stitches, but now an overall ache was spreading all over his stomach and they throbbed the most.

As he reached the bathroom to brush his teeth, Lucas noticed his stomach pushing against his hoodie. Bella had brought him clothes to be discharged from the hospital and she had made a point to pick loose fitting clothes, but the hoodie did not feel loose at all anymore. Granted it wasn't hugging his stomach, but the fabric was brushing over his navel and scratching against the bandage.

Lucas let out a groan, tugging it up and throwing it, alongside his sweatpants, on the basket under the sink for laundry. He wasn't sure if he managed to hit the basket, because bending down pushed up yet another sour burp and he groaned, bracing against the cold sink.

"Luke?" Bella's cold hand rested in the middle of his back, startling him. He looked up and caught her eyes in the mirror. She looked worried and tired and he felt awful for the past 4 days and the mess he was once again bringing on her life.

"Sorry," he squeezed the marble of the sink counter, "you can go home if you-"

"Don't be ridiculous," Bella said harshly, glaring at him in the mirror, "I'm not going anywhere when you're sick, are you crazy?" then before he could answer she looked down and grimaced, "your poor belly is so bloated, Luke."

It truly was. He had a squishy belly over hard abs most days and during the breakup he had lost weight, but now he just looked pregnant.

"Yeah, it's fucking hurting too," he sighed, tugging on the elastic of his boxers. Bella's brows met with concern, but she didn't follow him to the bedroom, busying herself with brushing her teeth and getting changed.

Lucas sat down on the bed, then hunched forward. He really wasn't feeling well, the fries and milkshake had been a silly mistake. It felt like his dinner wasn't digesting at all, sitting in belly like a ball of cement, but the cramps continued to wreck through his lower belly like little electric shocks, sending up sour burps that made him feel vaguely queasy, but mostly just hurt. Nothing was moving.

"Would tums help?" Bella asked, walking into the room. He pondered the question, before shaking his head.

"Do we still have pepto?" just as he said it, it occurred to him how dumb of a question that was. Bella hadn't been in his place in nearly fourth months, she definitely didn't know.

Still she didn't correct him, instead went to where he usually kept the bottle and came back to the room, "Almost out. Just drink the rest that's in the bottle."

He swallowed it all, gagging at the end with the overly sweet taste and then leaned back against the headboard, pushing his boxers down.

"It's pressing on your belly?" Bella asked, crawling on the bed to lie next to him.

"It feels itchy as hell," Lucas complained, planting a hand on his stomach and pushing lightly. It pushed up a burp that tasted like fries and made his chest burn. He swallowed again, "feels disgusting, Bells..."

She didn't answer, but he felt her hand touch his stomach, fingers pushing here and there, rubbing in circles over a particularly tender spot and causing a gurgle to go up his throat. Lucas grimaced as a string of burps turned wet at the end.

"So how-" he belched again, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling, "how's work?"

Bella let out a giggle and planted a kiss on his bare chest, "small talk is not your forte even when you're not feeling sick," she peppered a bunch of kisses up and then one over his lips, "just close your eyes, let me take care of you."

"Uhm, sounds boring as fu-" he cut himself off with a burp, deep from his belly and then a string of gurgles followed as the medicine started to take effect. Lucas grimaced, poking his distended belly and causing another loud whine, "oh that's so gross..."

Bella's hand stroked the round part of his upper belly, the slightly pressure pushing another airy burp out, "sounds so upset, Luke... I don't think you should have had junk food so soon after surgery."

"Yeah, that was stupid," he agreed, planting a hand over hers and pressing it on his belly button. The heavy pressure forced up a disgusting wet burp, but that at least carried some relief, "Eew..." he breathed out, sliding on the bed, so his head would hit the pillows and feeling Bell's hand move to rub little circles on his left side. She wouldn't go near the right, with the stitches.

"Are you sleepy?"

"No," he opened his eyes and turned his head lazily to look at her, "just feeling kinda crappy. Are you sleepy?"

Bella shrugged, but he could see very clearly how exhausted she was. Lucas rolled his eyes, pushing her hand away from his stomach and pulling so she could rest her head on his chest, "go to sleep, baby."

"No, you're feeling sick-"

"I'll be fine, it's just indigestion," he said, although it felt a little like a lie. Sure it was indigestion, but his stomach was starting to churn slowly with nausea, "you need to rest, you've been looking after me for almost five days now."

Bella let out a huff, but she didn't argue, moving up so she could tuck her head neatly under his chin.

Her weight didn't help the vaguely unsettled feeling, but Lucas was not about to tell her that. Instead he continued to breathe through the queasiness, letting out some small burps and making sure his neck was turned away from Bella.

Slowly tiredness was starting to take over him, but all it took was Bell groaning and rolling closer, planting her elbow lightly over his belly button to push out the most nauseating burp yet. Lucas rushed sitting up, clamping a hand over his mouth as the burp turned incredibly wet at the end. He gulped down convulsively, a clammy sticky sensation spreading all over him, his mouth watering.

"Luke...?"

He couldn't answer her, because every time he managed to push down the knot in his throat, a new soft gag pushed it up. Bella sat up too, a hand on his shoulder.

"Luke- Oh no," she realized, seeing his hand firmly clamped over his lips. Luke groaned, eyes squeezed shut and tasted the milkshake in the back of his tongue. It was enough to cause a wave of revulsion and he gagged harshly.

The heave, rocking his belly, pulled on his stitches and pain radiated all over his stomach, causing him to whimper. Bella said something, but he couldn't hear her, he just felt so incredibly sick...

He pressed his hand harder, but the next heave was productive and vomit exploded out of his mouth, leaking through his fingers and causing him to choke and cough. Bella thumped his back and Luke coughed harder, the motion causing more puke to cover the blankets, his stomach and the boxers.

The sensation of warm liquid hitting his skin caused Luke to gag again, more vomit coming up. It was all a mushy cream color, the fries and milkshake mixing in a disgusting sludge.

"Shit Lucas, shit-" Bella sounded vaguely frantically and he couldn't understand why she was pushing his back, "baby, I know it's messy but aim at the blankets-"

What?

He frowned, coughing again, "I don't... What...?"

Before she could answer though, his belly contracted again and he puked again, all over his lap. Lucas groaned, head hanging in shame and queasiness, his mouth open as yet another stream of just liquid and some chunks of pale yellow came out.

"I don't feel good..." he moaned, knowing he sounded like a baby but feeling dangerously close to tears. It had been 4 days of pain so far, more of nausea considering he had felt sick even during the graduation. And his girlfriend wasn't coming back home. And his head was hurting like a motherfucker. And he was covered in vomit, but he was so fucking tired-

"Luke, hey..." Bella's voice was incredibly tender as she cupped his face, wiping away one lonely tear, "shh... You're okay, love. You'll feel better soon, your poor belly just needed to get rid of that."

"I don't want you to leave," he groaned, "I don't want- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm being dumb-"

"Lucas," Bella planted a kiss on the top of his head, "are you done?"

He nodded, feeling pathetic, "think so..." he still felt nauseous as all hell, but all he had eaten in four days was the milkshake and the fries, so there was nothing else to bring up. Bella rubbed his back, nodding.

"Okay, let's get you cleaned up," she said, grabbing his elbow and gently ushering him up. She helped him strip the destroyed boxers and Lucas groaned, feeling horribly exposed, even though he knew for a fact that Bell had seen him naked a million times.

"Fuck, that's gross..." he mumbled, using a clean part of the soiled blanket to wipe his stomach. Only then he understood that Bella had attempted to keep him from vomiting over the bandaged side of his belly, "oh shit, I hope I didn't pull any stitches there."

Bella frowned, circling the bed to hold him, "does it feel like you did?"

"No, just achy and sick," Lucas leaned unto her hold, then braced against the sink, the motion pushing up a deep gutural belch. He panted, while Bella carefully pushed the hair away from his eyes, cupping his forehead. Another flash of hot nausea passed through him and he coughed lightly, then a weak heave brought up a small stream of puke.

He heaved twice more, just as painful as before as the stitches flared up, but nothing came up and he finally turned on the water and washed the sink basin and his mouth.

"I need to shower," Luke groaned.

"Can you stand on your own?" Bella asked and he nodded, attempting to grab the crumbs of his dignity. She rushed back in the room to get rid of the ruined blankets and Lucas slowly walked to the shower.

He had no energy in him, so he just stood under the hot water stream. The heat helped with the ache in his middle and the sticky sensation, but also made him dizzy.

"That's enough, baby," Bella said, closing the register and throwing a towel around him, "c'mon, let me take a look at the stitches."

"You hate this stuff," Lucas mumbled, pushing her hand away from the soaked wet bandages, "I'll look."

"Don't be silly, I can do this," she rolled her eyes, pushing him to sit on the closet toilet and cupping his forehead. He watches as his girlfriend crouched down between his legs, carefully pulling the adhesive that kept the gauze to his skin and revealing the appendectomy wound.

She hissed and made a face, visibly cringing, causing Luke to snort, "are you sure, Bells?"

"It's fine," she glared at him, "it's just... nasty."

"Uhm?" he glanced down and wrinkled his nose. His skin was red around the wound, from the warm water and the black stitches stuck out horribly, "yeah, that's pretty gnarly."

"Nothing looks burst though, so that's good," she fumbled with the first aid kit that he only then noticed sitting on top of the sink, in search of another gauze pad, "how's your belly feeling?"

"Still pretty gross," Lucas admitted, "but empty. No more..." he gagged in his fist, "no more junk food for a while though."

Bella opened a lopsided smile, snickering, "what? No more fries?"

Just the thought of them caused him to gag harshly and bring up a small, disgusting burp, "Bell..."

"Sorry," she huffed, smiling still, "couldn't resist," she gently pressed the gauze to the wound, "Luke."

"Yeah?" he asked, taking in the gentleness of everything she was doing. Bella wasn't a normally delicate girl, so it was very deliberate that he could barely feel her touches.

"I'm not leaving you, you know that, right?" she smiled, cutting a piece of adhesive to keep the little square of gauze in place, "and we're gonna get through this rough patch."

A new, surprising churning sensation filled up his stomach. Butterflies, all over again. Lucas nodded, "I know... It just sucks, but I know we will."

Her cheeks turned a shade of pink and Bella smiled, moving up and kissing him, causing his head to hit the flush and startling them both. Lucas smiled, resting his forehead against hers, "I love you... Can we go to bed now, though? My dick's freezing out here."

[disabled-dinosaur]

Living with a progressive autoimmune condition is BORING. Boring because if you’re not working, all you do is sit at home and if you are working, you have to be careful how much time you take off for appointments and treatment plans.

First, I was a CNA/ medication aide working in the skilled nursing and memory unit section. When I could no longer lift 200+ lbs, I moved to the memory unit/ assisted living section, which was less heavy lifting as the residents were pretty much independent.

At that point, it wasn’t that bad and I was still searching for a definitive diagnosis. In 2014/2015, I was diagnosed with just degenerative discs and sacroiliac joint problems. So, no big deal— it was just back pain right? At one point, it was Fibromyalgia, then that flopped. I didn’t really have any symptoms of that, yet one doc still diagnosed me with it. Very briefly, afterwards, I was diagnosed with MS. That flopped too. It didn’t make sense either. Then, they said that I’m drug-seeking or crazy. So I quit looking for a diagnosis because I felt like I could keep going, until 2020. I had a major surgery, went back to work. 2020 came around and I knew I was feeling worse. I *still* felt like I could keep going.

In 2022, I moved to doing a desk job. That felt pretty good. I was happy and didn’t feel bad at all. I loved the group of maintenance men that I worked with. When something didn’t work out, those guys informed me and they were vocal about concerns or anything like that. I had their respect (I hope) and they had mine.

In May of 2022, I was officially diagnosed with Bechterew’s Disease (aka Spondylitis), a progressive fusion of joints beginning in the spine and moving to fuse what’s called peripheral joints like hips, hands, knees and shoulders. This year, my hands began bothering me, aching. My previous rheumatologist who has since retired had me on infusions for about a year and a half, from May 2022 until October/ November 2023. In December 2023, the new rheumatologist thought it was too much and we moved to injections that I give myself.

Ever since March, things have been going wacky. I woke up one day in March with fever-like aches and chills without the actual fever. The first noticeable change came from a blood test in March where my liver enzyme levels were through the roof (some liver damage). Normal liver numbers are supposed to be somewhere between 25 and 44 and mine were 109. 300 to 600 is when you apparently become jaundice, but they didn’t get that high, thank goodness. The second sign that something was wrong was decreased movement in ligaments and joints. Sitting down or bending anything was next impossible and very little sleep. I went through this pain until about early June and spent those weeks on 80 different medications and steroids trying to get that inflammation down. Fever-like chills and body aches eventually went away. I would wear thick socks, two pairs of leggings and a hoodie during that time. In May, when I spoke to my rheumatologist, she said, "Honey, had you felt like this in years prior?"

"No, I’ve never even had a cold this bad."

She said, "Honey, you’re going through your first major relapse/flare."

For two whole months, from March to May, I had no idea what was going on. I quit my job on May 13th after Cody and I had discussed it. In June, I started to feel okay again after all the medications and injections. My liver was reacting to my flare 🔥 and trying to give me a sign. That was the first clue. All that time, I blamed the injections for the elevated liver enzymes, because one side effect is liver issues. Turns out, I had a GI problem causing this flare and symptoms and couldn’t eat anything solid but noodles with only broth and crackers. We avoided tubes and surgery, thank goodness. When something major happens in your body, your liver can decide to react and freak out. This might not happen to everybody— this was just my unique case. In late July or early August, after all the inflammation died down, my legs became really weak and somewhat tingly/numb. After joint inflammation comes muscle weakness apparently, like an after-effect. I fell about two or three times. I couldn’t hide my gait anymore and I’d rather have my cane than worry about what others think. I found it difficult to walk longer distances than before, so I swallowed my pride, started to use my cane more often and ordered a custom-fitted wheelchair for those longer distances. This is fitted to my dimensions. I went to a place in Missouri and it took a whole hour to measure. Out of desperation, I bought a semi-custom wheelchair back in late May. It gave me some freedom. And recently, I finally got out of this house for an outing that was longer than an hour. I had not gotten out of the house much since March, except for appointments. On Sunday, September 15th, I went to a museum and got lunch with my wonderful husband, using that wheelchair. We were there for about two or three hours. Walking for that long would’ve been impossible ever since all this started this year. It used to be that every once in a while, as I was driving, that my foot would be so weak that it would slip off the accelerator. That only happened a very few times. Lately, after the inflammation dissipated, the muscle weakness and numbness has been more persistent, so I’m getting portable hand controls that will attach to the pedals of my truck soon and I can attach them to any vehicle that I drive. But as of lately, I’m feeling great. After months of noodles and broth soup and crackers, I’m eating normally. I don’t know how long the muscle weakness/ numbness will last, but I’m not dwelling on it. The main focus is going to PT, dealing with treatment and going to appointments. It’s the little things that are worth more than the big things. When you look back, you’ll realise that those little things were actually the big things.

DON’T IGNORE YOUR HEALTH. When something feels off, keep persisting.

[deadmomjokes]

In case anyone was wondering where I’ve been lately...

MIL came into town for 10 days,  because...

Husband was having/has now had back surgery. He’s fine, he’s healing really well and doing great, but he’s also banned from bending, lifting, and twisting for 2 months, as well as still occasionally needing pain meds and muscle relaxers so he can’t drive himself places at the moment. Which means we went from two adults splitting chores and childcare to one adult doing all of it plus caring for the other adult as well.

Bean is having A Time with this. Her dad cannot come roll around on the floor and toss her and sit with her at bedtime, and it is UNACCEPTABLE. Also Dad was GONE for a whole day and a half, including an overnight stay at the hospital, and she wasn’t allowed to stay with him. She’s still quite upset about that. And the whole “the surgery was to fix the problems Dad has been having, but before he feels better he’s going to feel worse because of the surgery (that was supposed to make him feel better)” is reeeeeeally hard to understand. It’s hard for Dad to stomach as an adult, poor 3-year-old is confused, angry, and losing her mind just a little bit. Because, in addition to that (and the fact that Grandma was here and now she’s gone and poor thing misses her Grandma)...

Bean is still dealing with gastric issues. Short version: lifelong recurrent symptoms of acid reflux and problems gaining weight (including weight loss, which is a major yikes) when they’re acting up have gotten her sent to a specialist, who believes she has something called eosinophilic esophagitis. Basically it’s when specialized allergen-fighting white blood cells take up residence in the esophagus and inflame it because something in the diet is triggering a kind-of-sort-of allergy, which causes sensitivity to acid backup from the stomach, which is also more frequent in response to said inflammation. It hurts and makes her body hate her is the main gist of it, and the only way to know for sure is an endoscopy and biopsy of esophagus, stomach, and small intestine. But in order for the results to be accurate, she has to be off the meds that have been controlling it. So she’s currently Not Loving Life a lot of the time, and is generally quite cranky.

Plus she got regular sick again. We’re all crossing fingers Dad doesn’t catch it, because coughing while trying to heal poor traumatized muscles in your back is difficult at best.

I’m about to have a minor revision of the nasal surgery I had last year, which really isn’t that big a deal this time because there’s basically no recovery time, but it takes time out of an already packed schedule.

AND on top of all that, I have a conference in two weeks where I’ll be on 3 panels, doing a presentation, and pitching a manuscript to an agent from an agency I really want to work with. Which is awesome! This is, like, life-changing stuff that’s gonna set me on the path to achieving both goals and dreams. It’s gonna be awesome! It’s just a lot. While a lot is already happening.

So I’m gonna be MIA for the foreseeable future while I try to hold down the fort, keep my child as comfy and happy as possible despite her difficult circumstances, put together a professional presentation and prep for panels, polish a manuscript, draft and polish query letters, design and print business cards, line up child care for 3 days (for a child who is, understandably, difficult atm), get husband to and from appointments while also getting to and from my own appointments and getting Bean & Friend to and from preschool daily, and hopefully not explode, all at the same time.

The good news is, in honor of the fact that I’m about to go do some majorly career-launching, future-defining stuff in the next little while, I’m gonna get fancy hair colors for the first time and a few new outfits so I look all shiny and put-together when I have to stand up in front of people and pretend I know what I’m talking about (despite the fact that I’m already running on OJ and caffeine at 2 weeks out and definitely look like it).

[crohnsawarenessproject]

‘One Ring’ August 16th, 2022 #onering © Outhouse Cartoons/C.A.P 2022

Last week the day we’ve been waiting for all year finally came to be. My surgery wasn’t supposed to be until September/October but two weeks ago, I was woken by a call from my surgeon telling me that I’d been scheduled right away. At first, I was rather freaked out. We had all these plans to throw my pre-ileostomy body a going away party but the disappointment of fallen plans quickly changed into the hopes for a better life. We immediately hit the ground running. Within a day we were out to see my new Ostomy nurse while getting pre-op bloodwork done. The nurse ran us through a bunch of the basics of life with a bag, giving us a general idea of what was to come. He even sent us home with some sample bags.

I wanted to really get a feel for what I was in for, so I decided to wear one of the bags for 48hrs. Through the day and through the night, I even went and ran errands with it. It was a good primer but not quite the same. It was an empty bag that could only partially simulate what my ileostomy would be like but it was enough to stop some worries. My wife and I also made sure to do a lot of research, choosing not to let others tell us ALL the ins and outs. This made it easier to come up with questions to ask at my first post-op appointment. For the rest of the week my wife would treat me to every craving I could think of! You name it, pizza (artisan), carnitas, steak, ice cream; if I wanted it, she got it for me.

When Tuesday came, I was as prepared as I was ever going to be going through the second major surgery of my life. As these things tend to be, my surgery was bumped by about an hour and a half. Someone in need of an emergency surgery jumped ahead of me but that was okay. I just had to stay out of my head, at that point, alone in the pre-op waiting room. At least they let you keep your phone with you so I was in constant contact with my wife up until the last moment. Once in the OR room the surgeons joked that it was a crowded affair. I was getting a lot of work done with two surgeons working on me simultaneously. I had some laughs with the lovely staff before they put me under and before long I was awake with my new buddy, Shawn. My stoma.

Those who follow me may remember that I call my guts, Gus, after a character in one of my favourite shows called Psych. So I thought it only fitting to name my stoma, Shawn, his partner in crime from the show. Now Shawn & Gus are back together, friends for life.

The first night was decently rough but honestly, I think it wasn’t anything like my first resection. I was off of the button morphine within 24hrs and stopped hydromorphone within 56hrs. I was out of the hospital and back home on day 4. I was up on my feet walking around the house the next day. Another day later I made it out of the house for a quick spell. My energy levels have been growing and it’s been getting much easier to walk & stand up straight. A lot of people were rather surprised with this and, to be honest, I was one of them. But it all came down to the fact that this time around I was the lucky guy who ended up with one of the leading surgeons in the province for non-invasive surgical techniques. They actually pulled all of my colon out through my rectum, having only two laparoscopic points of entry on my stomach. One atop my stoma, the other inside my belly button. It’s really the barbie butt that is causing me to slow down and make sure to not over do it.

My speedier recovery can also be attributed to my amazing wife. Helping to make sure I have what I need but also making sure that I don’t push myself too hard as I tend to do. I’m not a fan of being looked after, so it takes a lot of strength and willpower to not just do everything myself. It’s because of this that I know I will get through this stage without many issues. We are a team and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Have you had IBD/Ostomy surgery? How did it go for you? What were your experiences? Tell us in the comments below.

[the-firebird69]

He looks like the first on the left is that who he was and he did the surgery and knew about why and he bought it on purpose and he helps cause and have to happen to do surgery. He had no explanation and didn't care to he says I have 10 agents on you you don't know who they are where they are and he started saying what happened then said I had a f****** army right there. I guess I learned infiltrate faster now and he was upset and he said this guy's Richie's calls using us and couldn't stop, no. His major and worse and worse we're forced to stop him got a small yeah he didn't want you doing that stupid s*** head and you messed it up I'm going to sue you now both ways we lead a horse to water okay you're such a f****** losers the tow truck is showing up your house and you see you can't do that and you think it won't happen it drives away with your car I mean what's wrong with you idiots if you ask Lou ferrigno to come down there and punch you out he's going to do it if you ask Schwarzenegger too they probably won't get it. I certainly understand your perspective but I don't get what you're saying it's going to be some sort of manhunt from the top down after me and I do know what it's all about but I don't understand why it would happen I guess I do that you do not do that to someone's dick and it certainly get it and Dr Fraser cream he said Florida might be his penis cuz you're sponsoring his assinine move. Well good I did the surgery got beat up probably should have it's a stupid thing to do we didn't know it was it says this documentation about this stuff everywhere and he wants his money back I'll tell you what it's going to beat us to death so you actually give you my money back I don't think so ....then it will be over your dead body... That was scary Debussy Gary Debussy and this is real name is they changed it but yeah we're going to sue him and we're going to get the money from him and the max will try and stop it the whole time and that is part of the idea and yeah here's something to do with no problem disappearing and it was not an assault on him he was taken from the hospital just like the rest of the people they're going to go after you now in the hospitals and we have a way of doing it yeah there's only after Trump and we put them in there and we check in the woods or finding where he is it'll go to go in there and pull them out along with a bunch of people just asking Gary Debussy if he has any Oshkosh equipment for his using California answers he says oh you probably keep that...lol. So he's going to have a fight if he was a little after and he has a lot of those things and they're in a cavern it's not really the hugest but it's very big this would be a motivator for them if they ever figure it out if Trump shuts his face he can steal it and stick it up his ass for a while that's what these two guys are like Trump debussy.

And I said I was wondering when he's going to get big for Christ's sake he started fitting in his bed almost LOL and you think he's going to grow and it will be probably the end of this month and it's making some work it's doing some working out meaning that the stuff is coming out of there and it's falling apart faster and soon it will fall apart very fast it's going to work and we know it but it's going to take a little bit of time not too long.

Thor Freya

We should print and Thor and Freya in a great job

My husband too and helping out

Hera

Where's that she's we get that she's like this Max she doesn't like them but the investigation is beginning and we have information on them too and we know what Gary Debussy was up to and we're going to put it down here right now he was running around for a few years behind him in California and he was causing problems that led up to the surgery certain diet and things he was enforcing and he couldn't do it completely so the guy did it anyways son he injured our son by hand and we are doing him away but he was a surgeon and John remillard blamed himself just kept saying it was him so Gary Debussy went after John remillard and John remillard knew he would and he didn't get much and he got pummeled and it looks like he was getting a few in when they look like each other and it was a nightmare cuz this guy can't figure it out he knows about now that he lost that battle and put our son in Jeopardy for no reason no Gary Debussy did and he caused the accident he helped cause the accident and it was the dirt bike of Daniel and they said a little big guy it's not a big guy and Daniel says it wasn't my fault and it really wasn't and he looked around and he says what am I going to do in a sentence we're going to concentrate on getting out of here and he said oh I have a sense of it so they made a point of showing me people looks like you I understand what you're doing though and he says oh we have to get out of here they were gassing his people and it was the max oh and they're doing it on the base and Daniel can talk to Trump. And it should be able to figure that out there's other things too BG was up there and the guys are spy and you guys are lame Jesus and he knows what's going on and he said I'm in trouble and what do I do and our son says you have to rely on St Christopher and he meant to travel with them his mom got a tears in her eye and she said what happened he says Gary Debussy and he's a Mac and she said we're in trouble he said no kidding dad left or you really he's hard for low and I don't think again she's laughing and said what do we do I said I don't know I think that he was in a statue he escaped or something under the nuclear plant just so why is that it's a single and she said oh it was quiet about it and never talked about it and that's what it was now she's smiling saying they're going to go up there they think that they can travel up there and she's about and she's not smiling because she says he's a baby and needs help and he says don't care what the hell I don't even have a bubba that's a hunter I have to hunt around for it and she's smiling saying this is what it is his body is a baby body and he's frustrated. We have a couple other things to say so but we're going to publish now

Thor Freya

This is a guy and he was a big part of screwing around with him at face too had the base and Daniel has some of it back Daddy has a lot of it people should take a look at yourself he's got too much weight

Hera

I do have a lot of information and you should come to me and this is a big case all of you think it was stupid a****** here but it was really the max it was no benefit to it it's just a bunch of assholes and this guy really screwed up in my opinion symbology and they poisoned him too much it was somebody doing that too and it was Dr Curran and he's not Trump either Trump imitate some afternoon thinks she's cool

Mac daddy I realize his fax was messed up by him part of it is the firebird accident and it was fine Dr Curran he was screwing around with Kevin and him

I didn't get that piece of s*** this is another investigation that is going to come out and prove to them doing it and enjoy it by hand for Christ's sake

Kevin

We have a lot of evidence on these guys and don't say that I couldn't help it you're out there that building the whole time we start getting paranoid saying I'm not doing f****** around with me someone else is f****** around me by the way who's calling the pizza guy trying to get a pizza here they started laughing but really it was a nightmare we get it though we have to publish but still I have information on that and I know who that was and we were all there at the company and the shadow I guess and he says there is a guy that looks like Ken Phillips and they're probably still messing with people and not allowing the money to go out and I said you know what it is these guys and we're going after them a little bit

Stan

[shinra-makonoid]

Hello. Sorry if this question is too nsfw. Ignore if you are uncomfortable.

After reading up on surgery options and waiting for 2 years, I finally got an apointment for srs. (Colpectomy and Meta). My dysphoria got better with mastectomy and hysterectomy and I do know that going that next step would help or rather be the end goal cause I do not want a phalloplasty. But the only thing that worries me is how the feeling is going to change.

If the body is going to 'miss' something or some parts psychologically. And how that affects arousal and sexuality. I've spoken with cis women too who had a hysterectomy due to different reasons and they said that they didn't. But a colpectomy and meta is completely different.

I mean of course it's going to be different.

On some forums I've read about trans men saying it is more intense and feels more 'natural and normal' but majority also said that the main feeling is now only limited to the meta phallus and not the parts around it. Which of course also makes sense when the female parts are removed (which is the goal).

I'm asking you because you've mentioned somewhere that you do contemplate meta. Have you thought about the possible changed feeling and how to deal with it?

I know that you can't give me a definitive answer because no one knows how the sensation and feeling will change for oneself and of course the physical parts are one thing but the mind also plays a huge part in this.

From what I saw, the usually brain ends up adjusting to the new body after a while. My MtF friend who got bottom surgery had phantom sensations for a while but then it subsidized. So while I cannot say whether it will end up disappearing, maybe in some cases the sensation lingers, I think there is a chance your brain adjusts to the new parts.

On a totally different scale, when I had a cyst on my ass (which I was pretty much born with) and surgically got it removed, it took me a time to adjust to it not being there anymore, and it felt like a part of me was gone. It was weirdly psychologically hurtful, but it might have also been due to the way the surgery had been planned (terribly), how I was treated, and how sudden it had been. The environment surrounding the surgery is very important to have an okay psychological experience with the surgery itself. But you're not at your first time so maybe that's a pointless point to make.

I've contemplated meta, still do to be honest, and yeah I've thought about how this would change everything. TMI: I'm very specific when I want to have a sexy time, and there are few specific ways for it to work. If it's not made the way it needs to be done, then I cannot find release. If I got meta, I'm very afraid that I'd simply not be able to ever get release anymore, only because I'd have to basically relearn how to pleasure myself from the begining, and maybe the transformation would completely prevent for it to happen. And I talk as someone who doesn't use any hole for pleasure, because it doesn't just impact those parts, even the dick would be a bit different, because positioned differently for example. Also as you read with other trans men, some parts would also lose their sensitivity, or feel differently. It's just very difficult/impossible to tell.

The questions are: are you ready to undergo heavy surgery, even if it means not getting the same sexual pleasure as you used to get with your new bits? "Not the same" doesn't mean "worse" or "better", but just "different". Because it will certainly be different. Are you ready to deal with "different" in your own body? To relearn your own body? To rediscover feelings with your own body? Are you ready to deal with the alien sensation it might be at first, until you integrate it as yourself?

I suppose it's hard to wait for two years and then ask yourself those questions close to the appointment, but do not rush things out. If at some point in your reflection you think you're not ready, if you need to take more time, it's ok. It's always ok. I've taken +5 years before beginning to take the steps to get a mastectomy because I wasn't sure and didn't feel ready, and I'm glad I did. That said, if you do the surgery, I hope it goes well and that you can enjoy the freedom it brings you with your body!

[eazy-group]

Quila lost 83 pounds

New Post has been published on https://eazydiet.net/quila-lost-83-pounds/

Quila lost 83 pounds

Transformation of the Day: Quila lost 83 pounds and reclaimed her health. At 25 years old, she faced several serious health challenges, including Fibromyalgia, Lupus, and two autoimmune diseases – Lupus and Sjogren’s syndrome. What kept her motivated? “My kids, God, and Dr Sebi.” She shares how she took action.

Social Media: Facebook: Quila Germany  Instagram: @Divine_Healing_Coach TikTok: Transforminglupus/Divine Trinity Shop

I started my natural weight loss journey after I had my son in December 2018, but my weight journey didn’t begin until after March 2019. I tried to stay on a calorie deficit diet (1500 calories) or sometimes just count my calories to make sure I don’t go over 2000 calories a day. 

I got this far by renewing my mind in Jesus Christ. – Nutrition 80%, Exercise 20%, and Prayer 100%. I’ve been beating all odds in the name of Jesus! And by his stripes, I am healed.

What was your motivation? My kids, God, and Dr Sebi. At the age of 25, I was diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases, Lupus and Sjogren’s syndrome. I was also diagnosed with Osteoarthritis, Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Ovarian Cyst Syndrome, Sciatica, Neuropathy, Chronic Pain, Chronic Fatigue, Sclerosis, Scoliosis, IBS, etc.

Going back and forth to the doctors was making me depressed. The medications were making me depressed, and I started to have a dependency on them.

I got tired of going to the doctors back and forth about high blood pressure, heart disease, and having to get injections in my joints. My joints were locking up and hurting very badly. I could barely hold or carry my baby. Being a single mother, I had no choice but to figure it out.

Now I don’t suffer from High Blood Pressure anymore. My pain level decreased, and I’ve learned to manage my symptoms without taking medications.

How did you change your eating habits? I started to get rid of everything unhealthy in my kitchen cabinets, refrigerator, under the bed, etc. I didn’t remove everything in one day but weekly. I would remove one thing at a time and replace it with fresh fruits, like watermelon, which helped a lot! 

I started doing intermittent fasting for different reasons (physically, mentally, and spiritually). I also started eating a whole foods diet, eating fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and nuts. Then I began to remove pork, beef, and dairy products. (I just ate chicken and turkey the majority of the time.) I also used to make veggie omelets. 

Then I started to take breaks away from meat by practicing intermittent fasting. In 2022 I removed all meat from my diet. I also stopped eating eggs. I just stuck it out with Salmon, fruits, veggies, whole grain, coffee, and smoothies with the natural herbal supplements I make. 

Since I’ve changed my lifestyle, I have incorporated a variety of herbs and sea moss. I learned to make my own herbal supplements and elderberry syrup. 

What is your workout routine? I practice yoga for exercise (not spirituality). I do it for low-impact exercise and to build strength. I only went to the gym for about two months in 2019. I lost my transportation, but that didn’t stop me. I bought an Air Elliptical Machine, Ab ProCircle, weights, and more equipment over time. In 2023 I started going to the gym for a little while since I lost most of my equipment when I moved. 

How often did you work out? 2-3 times a week. 

What was your starting weight?  205 pounds

What is your current weight? I got down to 122 pounds, and now I am around 127 pounds.

What is your height? 5’2″

How long did your transformation take? It took me less than 11 months to drop 83 pounds!

Is weight loss surgery part of your journey? No, it was not. Surgery was not an option for me because of Lupus. It could have caused me major problems.

What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned so far? If you mess up, don’t give up. Just start back over. Also, don’t listen to negative feedback. 

What advice do you have for women who want to lose weight? Pray, surround yourself with great support, and join Facebook weight loss groups. Get away from toxic people, and always prepare your food before you go out.

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[vanessakharbudon]

XX and XY

Male and Female

Warning ⚠️

Before you throw your stones at me, read the entire piece and think for yourself without hiding behind what your company of useless friends think about something.

We need to talk about this as it is very important to the foundations of society. I am concerned about the radicalisation around the whole sex/gender idealogy. It is an attempt to erase the differences between men and women.

Ask yourself how has this idealogy helped you especially in your dealings with each other. Being a lonely bitter drunk in your 30s is not a price to be won.

No matter how many surgeries you have or pills you pop, if your mind is not healed, you will still be back at square one - the suicidal rates as per current data don't drop because you made external changes. When you are broken in your soul, it means you are sick on the inside. No amount of injections, surgery and pills can heal you. Your soul needs to get well first.

Slapping on a pancake make-up face, frolicking in a dress, flip flopping in heels, acting like a bimbo with exaggerated mannerisms of drag caricature and labelling that a woman is a grievous disservice to womankind. It is trying to appropriate womanhood albeit by displaying fickle airhead whimsical demeanour. To add insult to injury, demand that this kind be treated in the same way, at par, on the same level as that of biological women.

Do trans women deserve human rights?

Obviously! It's a no brainer.

On that note...especially before June...

Trans women are not women. They are trans. NOT THE SAME.

Are they deserving of love and opportunities?

Absolutely yes!!! But that does not mean they get to come into women spaces and demand to be treated as women. That's appropriation (since this word is being thrown around a lot) and wrong.

You are born with either XY or XX.

If your corpse is dug up 100 years from now, there will only be XY or XX to help with identification - male or female. You will be identified as one or the other. No archeologist, forensic pathologist, doctor or x-ray machine will ask the corpse for its pronouns and preferred sex first.

Does nature throw up anomalies?

These intersex anomalies fall within the two binaries of male and female. Anomalies do not become the norm.

I do want to point out that chopping off healthy organs does not count as anomalies. Anomalies in your genitalia occur in nature because of a malfunctioning in the genetic code - not via the surgeon's knife or injections.

The XY and XX chromosomes are embedded in our genetic code. Even intersex people are born with either one and usually have one type of genitalia being more prominent.

➡️Remember that even the slightest change in one of our 46 chromosomes causes an anomaly which results in sickness and disease.

⚠️When we play around with biology, shit happens. Ask the GMO cartel and the Wuhan unit.

Addendum:-

If you're spinning on the woke ideology axis, the definitions for the following have not been laid out. To truly stand for something, you need to know what you're standing for.

So, I ask along with millions of us who want to know:

🏹What is a woman?

🏹What is a man?

🏹What is sex?

🏹What is gender?

🏹What are the differences?

🤔If there are none, then we can scrap away women's rights, women's health, women's spaces and all other women centric agencies.

Personal observation:

Why is it that men who want to become women go overboard with their dresses, heels, makeup and mannerisms in what falls within bimbo female behaviour?

A big majority of women do not dress nor do they slap on a kilo of make-up on their faces.

An observable phenomenon here: those men trying to become women, proceed to dress and act in what is considered to be female characteristics. The same pattern is noticed in women trying to become men.

It is observed that the changes made are still within the paradigm of the traditional male-female scope of behaviour.

Isn't this reinforcing what we all know to be a biological fact? Male and female only options?

No matter how hard one tries to be "other than", their physiological structure along with their behaviour still displays either one of the heteronormative mould. It is rather self-defeating to try and defy biology.

Why only top and bottom surgeries? Specifically only the two options that nature provides.

This gender reassignment surgery has only two options: male or female. Contradictory much? Gender is not the same as sex. Then why offer only two options? Why only alter the parts that are specifically male and female?

If being a woman or a man is just a feeling - i.e. "I feel like...", then surgery is not needed. One does not need surgery that mutilates a healthy body only in those specific regions of the body that actually differentiate between the two sexes.

Very binary if you ask me🤔

How do you help someone who is afflicted with anorexia, alcoholism, or drug addiction? Do you give in to their fantasies?

We know that they need mental help not diet pills, a bottle nor cocaine.

Why can't we treat people afflicted with gender dysphoria/body dysmorphia similarly?

How are irreversible procedures within the scope of care?

Chopping off healthy parts of the body falls within compassion?

Purposely "concealing" the full extent and side effects of these procedures by presenting only the unicorns and rainbows is deception (read lies).

Do these patients understand that their bone density will get affected, and not in a good way?

Have they been made aware that they can only get the outside genitalia changed and that too it won't function as well as the one nature gave them?

⚠️One such example of post surgery effects: daily dilation. Biological women don't need to dilate themselves. The synthetic one does not self lubricate.

No-one can give you eggs, sperm, uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes and functioning male nuts. Nope. Go and ask these doctor/activists for the reality.

Isn't this cruel - Dr Mengele style Frankenstein experiments with no well founded data to actually show the decline in suicide rates and the long-term effectiveness of these procedures?

Opps! Big Pharma found another way to get a generation dependant on medication and therapy 🤑🤑🤑 Plus get a chunk of people sterilized (that's what happens when you get bottom surgery - and no puberty blockers and the surgeries are not reversible. Ask the detransitioners who are suffering from the side effects and who will do so for life).

Ask yourself:-

Why are there laws that do not allow you to drive a car till you're 18?

Would you trust a 5 or a 16 year old who identifies as a pilot to actually sit in the cockpit and pilot the aircraft?

➡️Children should be encouraged and disciplined to do well in their education, so they can be financially independent as adults while being emotionally stable and mature.

A medicated zombie is dependant, making them easy to manipulate and control.

Compassion is not handing diet pills to the anorexic nor a case of vodka to the alcoholic.

Care and compassion is affirming and reaffirming the truth of how loved, valued and wonderful a person simply is just because the glorious heavenly Father made them in His image - and He does not make mistakes.

➡️They should be encouraged to get mental help and not be pushed into the operation theatre. They should be told the truth, not "made to feel better" by agreeing with their delusions.

🤔Would you help an anorexic patient by agreeing with their delusions? Would you push them to get liposuction?

⚠️Woke ideology actually screams into people's minds that something is wrong with them - specifically their skin colour, their race, their sex/gender is wrong.

⏩It attacks a person's identity. It does not offer permanent solutions to heal the soul and mind where the problem is rooted in. Mutilating your body will not heal your unwell mind.⏪

💜For those struggling with gender dysphoria/ body dysmorphia: you are loved and valued by your heavenly Father. Your body is not a mistake. If you think something is off with your body, those are lies the enemy of your soul has spoken to you. ➡️Don't believe those lies about who you really are - a beloved child of God made in His image 👑👸🏻🤴🏻

[sammyisfat]

So my Dad has been battling cancer for almost a decade, and is in remission. But now his kidneys are only functioning at 22% and they have an infection that can’t be treated. So, we’re just waiting. He’s been steadily declining the last two weeks.

This is causing me to spiral. I’m feeling like I’m stranded in the ocean in an inflatable boat with duck tape covering the holes, I can see the shore but it’s so out of my reach and I don’t think I can stay alive to make it there.

I don’t regret my hysterectomy but it was my first surgery and was major. It caused me a lot of trauma mentally and physically. It’s been 5 years almost, and since it’s happened I’ve just been in a downward spiral.

I met a guy and got engaged after 6 weeks, and married within a year. I met him 3 months after my surgery. At the height of a heavy dissociation. And I went back to school without thinking it through clearly.

I was terrified to go back to my management job because my boss would constantly call me an idiot, treat me like I was trash, and would send me to work in various stores but wouldn’t pay me for my travel or pay me an active managers wage to make up for that.

So I went back to school, but then I started developing chronic pain that makes being active so painful. The pain is where my right incision from my hysterectomy is, and where my former cervix used to be. And no drs are listening to me. It’s compromised my mental health to the point I was so unreliable I was struggling to show up for work. Between the pain and my mental health.

And then in the fall of 2020, I was in a car accident. The crash was fairly minor but I hit my head off the windshield not hard enough to crack glass but enough to do damage. Where I hit my head is the area that controls your ability to mask and control your anxiety.

I lost mine. And my short term memory has been affected. Due to this, I had to end my lease and move in with my parents in a whole new province from where I had built a new life. I was suffering from insomnia due to the accident.

And I was prescribed sleep pills, I had never taken any before. And they would knock me out for 10 hours sometimes until I built up a tolerance. And I kept waking up in pain. But I found out my partner had been having sex with me in my sleep, because I wouldn’t wake up. And I never consented to it.

This had been the start of things, and then later that winter I found out I was losing my apartment and my jobs. My spiral has gotten worse since these events.

An anon account came forward on IG and accused my partner of cheating. But there hadn’t been any proof. No screenshots or any information regarding where I could find info. This had caused a riff between us.

When we moved to Ontario, his family basically disowned him. And so even though I want and need out. I feel responsible for him. He moved halfway across the country for me. I’ve tried telling him we’re not good for each other, his mental health is impacting mine and vice versa. And I can’t be a good partner right now.

We haven’t been intimate in 3 years. We tried on my bday but he changed his mind so we stopped. So we’re more like roommates at this point.

I’m feeling so trapped and alone. I just can’t handle it all anymore. I went to hospital in ‘22 for a month. But they refused to really help me, because I have borderline personality disorder. And they would just tell me to do DBT when I got out of the hospital.

But I was then and now at such a low baseline I am barely surviving. I am not eating. I’m not sleeping. My pain is at an all time high. I can’t keep track of days. I thought it was still the 15th for 8 days.

I’m just existing. And I don’t want to anymore. I had to flush all my sleeping pills because I didn’t trust myself not to take them all before bed. So I’m just sleeping maybe 2 hours at night. Because I can’t take sleep meds without feeling triggered and unsafe.

I’ve never said anything to anyone really about this. I tell bits and pieces but it a hard to admit the truth and be honest about what my last 5 years have been. And I am so tired.

[drmohsineazam]

What Is Osteosarcoma? What Kinds of Symptoms Does It Cause?

Osteosarcoma is a type of bone cancer that can occur in people of any age. But it is generally more commonly found in adolescents and young adults who are starting to go through puberty. It’s not usually diagnosed until after the patient has already developed symptoms.

What causes osteosarcoma?

Some rare types of cancers cause bone breaks, or osteosarcomas. This makes up about 2% of all cancer diagnoses each year.[1] The major risk factors for this type of cancer are being exposed to high levels of radiation, having a family history of osteosarcoma, and having endocrine-disrupting hormones (like some birth control pills) taken by patients with osteosarcoma. If you are at a higher risk of developing osteosarcoma than others, there may be several warning signs you should watch out for before the disease becomes worse. Treatment involves changing your lifestyle and getting regular checkups with a doctor.

How do I tell if my child has osteosarcoma? One of the first signs a child may have osteosarcoma is a broken arm, leg, or hip. Your child may also complain about pain in his or her jaw or bone in his legs. Children who have these symptoms often receive an “open surgery.

What is the average survival time for children with osteosarcoma?

The survival time for children with osteosarcoma is only 20 months, compared with around two years for those without disease, according to Jain Dhanalakshmi MD, author of 'Osteosarcoma in Young Adults'. For this reason, doctors sometimes call osteosarcomas "young adult disease." There is also little information available about how long children with osteosarcoma will live. However, when treatment is given, it usually lasts from 5 to 10 years, depending on the stage and type of treatment. A recent study found the median overall survival was 10 years in children treated successfully.[2]

What types does osteosarcoma affect?

Osteosarcomas affect bone and soft tissue. They include both primary (involving the whole bone) and secondary (involving one section of the bone) lesions. Secondary lesions are usually found later in life, and are most frequently observed in older adults. These include fractures caused by a fall or sports injury. Primary lesions, however, usually involve only one part of the bone (such as a femur), but they can occur anywhere in the body, including in your spine. Other examples of primary tumors that can form in the spine include rhabdomyosarcoma, chondrosarcoma, osseous angiosarcoma, and chondroglioma.[citation needed] According to the National Cancer Institute, osteosarcoma occurs at five times more frequently in females than males, and it can appear in various forms, including primary or metastatic. The age group most likely to develop osteosarcoma includes teenagers and young adults and includes individuals who are overweight or obese. Most cases also occur during adolescence, and childhood is rarely associated with the development of osteosarcoma. Secondary bone cancers caused by osteosarcomas, such as osteoblastic sarcoma and osteoblastic hyperplasia, represent only 8% to 18% of the total number of new cancers in adults. [3] People with osteosarcoma are at increased risk of contracting certain types of leukemia, multiple myeloma, and other cancers. An increase in the incidence of osteosarcomas over the past decade has been attributed in part to the increasing age of menarche. In fact, women are now at increased risk of osteosarcoma than men. And because osteosarcoma tends to occur earlier in the growth spurt in girls compared with boys, early diagnosis becomes a key component to managing its impact on the overall health of these teenagers.

What symptoms does osteosarcoma cause?

There are three main features to look for in teenagers and young adults who have osteosarcoma. First, they often complain about pain. Second, if they have a fracture, pain is accompanied by bruising and swelling, often accompanied by fever. Third, this might not get better in a few weeks. Sometimes, the patients will start complaining about unusual weight loss. This can be followed by sudden death within days. Also, in older patients, bone metastases are observed. Osteosarcoma can progress over time to lead to massive destruction of bone or even to cause bone cancer. As a result, you should contact our medical team right away if you notice something out of the ordinary.

What kind of drugs can help with osteosarcoma?

Chemotherapy is still used to treat cancer-related bone disorders. While chemotherapy may not entirely cure osteosarcoma, it helps manage the progression and increases survival rates. Unfortunately, this is usually not possible for every patient. Therefore, while surgery may not completely solve your child's problem, proper medical care and good nutrition can help ensure your child remains healthy long enough for surgery. Since chemotherapy cannot target what causes the disease, it is important to consider the possibility that chemotherapy is contributing to the formation of more cancer cells. If so, you should stop taking this drug and discuss surgery with your insurance provider. Another option is hormone therapy, which improves the production of thyroid hormones. Hormones like estrogen help regulate the bones and muscles so they don't become brittle or calcified; hence, they're useful in preventing osteosarcoma. You might also want to try using a topical corticosteroid for painful and tender areas like the thighs and pelvis. Corticosteroids are relatively safe. Unlike chemotherapy, topical corticosteroids tend to be safer because they don't affect the immune system as much as chemotherapy does. If this doesn't work, you can use radioactive iodine for additional protection against bone damage.

What happens after surgery?

Surgery is one way to combat osteosarcoma. After surgery to remove the tumor, your baby will experience many healing processes that will leave him or her feeling normal again. Depending on the type of the tumor, the recovery period can range from a few days to approximately 6 months to a year. Recovery time may depend on the size of the tumor and the general health of the patient. To reduce postoperative pain, your partner can administer narcotic drugs to help relieve pain by blocking receptors that may be involved in inflammation. For some patients, pain relievers given in small doses may be helpful. In addition, depending on how severe your osteosarcoma symptoms are, you may need to take medications to control pain before returning home. Medications include aspirin, acetaminophen, ibuprofen, and naproxen.

What does surgery mean?

Surgeries can treat various problems, including cancers of the heart and lungs. Any operation will require anesthesia, which can be provided by local or general anesthetic agents. Anesthesia can also be administered via intravenous (IV) lines with oxygen support. Because surgery involves removing part or all of the body, it's best to speak with your surgeon about all the potential consequences and talk to them in advance about whether you want to proceed with undergoing surgery. Before surgical procedures, it's advisable to check your blood pressure. Many patients report improved mental status and reduction of anxiety symptoms after an anesthesia procedure. However, if you experience vomiting or excessive bleeding after surgery, seek emergency medical attention immediately. Also, you should monitor your skin color and the amount of fluid in your body. The last thing you want to worry about when you get back home is sagging skin. Make sure to drink lots of fluids and eat a balanced diet. For most patients, minor surgery is typically able to be reversed after a couple of days, whereas complicated or advanced complications require a longer term of follow-up care. For example, surgery is often recommended for patients with conditions like diabetes. Doctors also perform surgeries regularly to stabilize joints or restore movement after injuries such as strokes. A large variety of options are available for treating osteosarcoma. Whether this process can successfully be reversed depends on how well you handle postoperative side effects. Pain management is another concern for patients with osteosarcoma. If your surgery involves incision, pain medication, or anti-inflammatory drugs, make sure you don't experience postoperative discomfort. When you return home following surgery, you'll want to keep yourself hydrated. Excessive thirst is usually the result of dehydration rather than decreased electrolytes in the body. Drinking plenty of fresh water can help replenish lost minerals after surgery, so be careful about drinking. Finally, it's important to remember that although your body will recover immediately following surgery, you may not feel as completely healed immediately. Some pain medication will take some time to pass into your bloodstream. Always continue to take pain relief medications, especially when you notice increased signs of joint pain.

What are the treatment and prognosis for osteosarcoma?

Once your child is stable, you should discuss the treatment plan with your healthcare provider. Usually, surgery is a safe, effective, and reliable option for treating osteosarcoma. At least half of all patients in the United States have had their tumor successfully removed in the early stages, usually within 1 year. However, surgeons may recommend different treatments, depending on the location of the tumor and overall health of the patient. For example, some children are good candidates for radiotherapy or cry

Conclusion

Osteosarcoma is a type of bone cancer that can occur in people of any age, but is most common in teenagers and young adults. It is a very aggressive form of cancer that can spread quickly to other parts of the body. Symptoms of osteosarcoma include pain in the affected bone, swelling, and fatigue. If you experience any of these symptoms, it's important to see a doctor right away so that you can begin treatment as soon as possible.

[igotubabe-blog-blog]

September to Mid-October

Summer was good. but this Fall has been a tough, darker, sobering couple of months.

This may be a surprise, but I've decided to go in to hospice, and am about a week into it.

The change? September into October hit us with one crisis after another. First was devastating constipation I spent about ten hours one day battling. Utterly exhausting. The next day I needed to go to the hospital for an emergency catheter, because I couldn't pee.

A couple weeks later I had devastating diarrhea, that drained me of most of my energy. The next day I had to go to the hospital because I couldn't pee, and needed another emergency catheter.

A couple weeks later, Inga told me I needed to go to the emergency room because my blood oxygen was super low (she typically checks my vitals like three times a day). I said no, she said yes. So we called for an ambulance.

She was right: a couple hours later I was delirious with pain and getting IVs with antibiotics and painkillers. I was a mess. Turned out to be a combination of RSV and a UTI. I largely had recovered the next day. The hospital (Shady Grove) was so good I asked them to keep me for another day (which I NEVER do). And they said ok. The RSV really knocked me sideways.

Keep in mind I had stopped taking the chemo during this, probably in late September.

Montgomery County emergency teams are excellent. This last trip, I was too week to climb in our own car, so they came and got me.

Each of these events takes time to recover from. I'm not a normal guy: I'm a guy who's been battling cancer since 2019. I've had four major surgeries on my spine, 41 days of radiation (I'm proud to say my friend's cancer group thinks that is legendary), and been on various chemos for over a year.

These two guys have been so essential to us for years. Terrible pictures of both. Nils(L) is a physician's Assistant and is keeping watch over me until I can get out of the hospital (I haven't time to complain about the transport service the hospital uses). Bryan (R) is a former colleague and awesome friend who lifted me out of bed. Lifted me into our car, and got me out of the car, close to midnight, to get me home, because after 10 hours of waiting, transport still hadn't shown up. Legendary friends, who have been there for us more times than we can count.

Each event chips away at you. You're a little less strong, your mind works slower, I struggle to find simple words, I've been twenty-five pounds underweight for years, my legs stopped being able to hold me up.

Inga and I were talking about everything after, and when I would go back to chemo treatments. Maybe after this next weekend?

My answer was I didn't want to go back on chemo. And she understood.

After well over a year on different chemos, none of which stopped tumors from growing (though clearly slowed them from growing, but also caused their own problems) I didn't want to dive back into a circus that was depriving me/our family with a Dad who slept all the time. The catheters prevented me from returning to aquatherapy, one of my most joyful activities. Then after the last hospital trip, I had lost the strength to transfer into the wheelchair. That meant I was bed-bound. I couldn't go into the living room and interact with the boys. I couldn't get myself to the bathroom anymore. Doing any kind of PT exercises was very limited in the bed.

CURRENTLY

So here I am, at home in a hospice hospital bed that I can sit up or lay down in. Emmanual comes in three days a week to give me a shampoo and bath. He's awesome. And nurses who come in once a week. But there's def a bit of: here's your mechanical bed and some heavy duty meds and ...you're on your own. We were expecting more.

Word has been getting out, and we've seen an increase in visitors. I don't know how long that will last. Inga can only do so much. Lukas has a cold he's been unable to shake and Inga spent over two hours on hold trying to get an appt(!). When she brought him into the office, they told her she had to call to get an appt. Just insane. And I can't play with him because he's sick. I have paperwork to do (financial stuff + +) and have limited energy before I need a nap (I still sleep a lot).

If we're unable to meet or talk with you -it's not because we don't care, it's because we have limited bandwidth. Thanksgiving will come soon. Both boys have birthdays in December. Christmas, then New Years. I am hoping to make it into 2023. Tumors have shown us before that they can grow quickly. We don't know what will happen, when.

I have gotten incredibly generous emails from friends abroad. A phone call with a college friend I haven't seen in 28 years, though we have talked online occasionally. Amazing how easily chats with old friends go. That has been nice.

MOM

Just to add some goodness to this post, my sister Tracy was able to visit mom in Vermont this Fall, and to her credit, did mom a lot of good while she was there. Thanks for being there for her sis. I love you!

We have love for all of you following this, and for those rooting for us and supporting us in various ways. Thank you so much for all you've done(!). We love you back!

#love #friends #toddtacklescancer #fiskFamily

(11/13/22)

[study-coffee-chicago]

Cut Off (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead! Sister Imagine)

A/N Thank you for reading and don't forget to reblog and comment! Also, thank you so, so much for over 2k followers! And, sorry this one took so long! Also, the second half of this isn't proofread because I have to go to bed earlier than normal because I have to be at work at the crack of dawn tomorrow. I just wanted to get this one out to you guys since I haven't posted in a while. So, if you see errors in the second half, that's why.

TW for p*ostitution and r*pe.

Today was the day. It was the day you were finally going to tell your dad you didn't want to go into medicine...and the day you knew you'd probably be kicked out. Because, if Jay being kicked out and quickly enlisting in the army was any indication, the same thing would happen to you.

This hadn't happened to Will because he went to school to become a doctor. But, he moved to Chicago because he didn't enjoy being a plastic surgeon anymore, leaving you stranded in New York with your dad who was a workaholic doctor and only approved of his kids if they followed in his footsteps.

You didn't get it really. Your dad was a successful doctor; he didn't need to live vicariously through his children, yet here you were.

You took a deep breath.

"Dad," you started as you walked inside after your last class of the day. It was the last class of your freshman year actually and it was one of the rare afternoons that your dad wasn't working.

He looked up at you. "Yeah? How'd your exam go?"

"It went okay...I think." You pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and sat down across from him.

"Well, hopefully, you did better than okay because they don't accept just anybody into med school."

Here goes nothing, you thought.

"Dad, I'm changing my major."

He furrowed his brow. "To what? Organic chemistry or anatomy instead of biology?"

"No, psychology." Maybe with a minor in English because you liked to write and read or maybe a minor in another language, too...but, he didn't need to know that.

"I'm sorry. I think I heard you wrong. I think you meant to say psychiatry and not psychology. And that's fine because you're still a doctor. You just have to make sure you get matched to a psychiatry residency after med school."

"No, I mean psychology. You know, sort of like social work, but with more schooling and a bit more science."

"I'd take more than just a second to think this through, young lady."

You stood up. "I have thought this through!" you yelled. You couldn't take it anymore. "I hate science and lab classes and I hate blood and I hate surgeries cause they're gross! I can't be like you and Will! I just can't!"

He stood up as well. "Then you'll have to be like Jay. Pack a bag. Get out of my house."

You knew that was coming, so you already had a bag packed upstairs and ready to go. So, you turned on your heels and went upstairs and grabbed it. Then, you grabbed your phone and phone charger, and your car keys.

"If I can't have a dad who respects and accepts my career choices, then I don't want one at all," you said sadly as you walked into the kitchen.

You'd prepared yourself for this, but it didn't mean it hurt any less.

"Give me your phone and keys," was all he said.

"Wh- what?" you faltered.

"You heard me. Give me your phone and keys. I pay for the data on your phone and the insurance on your car. Therefore, these two things are mine. And since you don't want me as your dad, I will take them from you."

You scoffed but handed them over anyway.

"Fine."

Then, you left. You'd just find another way to get in contact with Will and Jay and would have to take the bus from New York to Chicago instead of driving. Everything would be fine.

***

Six months later, you wished you wouldn't have changed your major. Then maybe you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with; it was all your fault.

God, it was cold. November in Chicago was no joke and it especially wasn't a joke when you lived in a homeless encampment. Your tent was full of things you had brought from home and somehow kept people from stealing, things such as your favorite stuffed animal. Or, things that you bought with what little money you had, such as hygiene items and a sleeping bag, a flashlight, a pillow, an extra blanket, and some cheap snacks.

You had tried getting a job, but with no address to put on the application and no way of contacting Jay or Will or figuring out where they worked to ask for help, you were shit out of luck on the job front.

So, with what little money you had saved in cash from in New York and brought with you, you rented a crappy motel room for a few days. But, when your money ran low two weeks later, you knew things would get worse.

That's when you did it for the first time.

You were in a diner, sipping at a cup of coffee and the cheapest food you could find on the menu when a man walked up to you and slid you his number. You must've looked like shit and that you were in desperate need of money because the writing on the napkin had his number and also said:

Call me tonight and then meet me. Will pay in cash.

You knew what this was implying, and in any other circumstance, there's no way you would've done it. But, you needed the money since you wouldn't be able to afford a place to sleep that night.

So, you called him off a payphone that night and he told you where to meet.

When you met him, he asked you what you were comfortable with and to name your price. You also always made sure to meet them in public places before going home with them just to keep yourself safe. You had made up excuses of having to go a few times because you had gotten bad vibes off someone and left since it was easy because you were in a public place.

Anyway, back to the first guy.

After he asked you your boundaries, pricing, and everything like that, the two of you went to a motel and you had sex with him for money.

Some would call you a prostitute.

You were just doing what you had to do.

After that night, you went and bought yourself a tent.

Then, the next night you walked the streets and waited. After a few more men, you went to the store and bought a sleeping bag, a pillow, and a change of clothes.

That next morning, you found a homeless encampment, where you started staying. The people were nice enough, but you still wished you could find Jay or Will. Despite the sex being meaningless, you didn't want this to be the rest of your life. But, at this point, you had all but given up hope.

It had been months of the same thing. Eat, sleep, sleep with men for money. Eat, sleep, sleep with men for money. Eat, sleep, maybe take a day off. Eat, sleep...

You wouldn't be in this position if you had just gone into the career that your dad wanted you to go into; one that you weren't passionate about.

You didn't think you'd ever get out.

If Jay and Will hadn't figured out you were gone from New York by now, you knew there was no way that they'd ever find out.

***

"I'm gonna go see Dad this week for Thanksgiving," Will said to his younger brother as they sipped their respective beers at Molly's on a Sunday night.

"Before you ask because I know you will," Jay started, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" Will asked. "You know I'm mainly going for Y/N anyway."

"I know that. It's just, you weren't cut off by Dad; you have a much better relationship with him than I do."

"You don't think I know that?"

Jay sighed. "Sorry, I'm sorry. It's been a long weekend. I feel like I haven't slept since Thursday."

"I know the feeling. Flu season in the ED is great," Will complained.

"I bet. Just, check on Y/N for me, will you? She hasn't talked to me in a while and she stopped posting on social media."

"Are you seriously stalking our sister?" Will laughed.

"Uh, when she's the only one living with Dad, yes, yes I am."

"I'll text you when I see her. Actually, she hasn't texted me in a while, either."

"She's fine. She's gotta be okay...right?"

"Jay, she's trying to go to med school. She might have taken summer classes earlier and now the semester's started up again. She's probably just busy with school and exams."

"You're right, you're right," Jay agreed. "Just, tell me how she's doing and maybe have her call me."

Jay couldn't put his finger on it, but he just had a bad feeling; you had never stayed out of contact with either of them for this long. Sure, the occasional two weeks would by without you talking to them, but it had been six months. And for Jay, no matter your workload in school, that was way too long. Something was wrong and he knew it.

He just had to hope that Will would tell him that you were safe and sound. Now he just had to wait. What were a few more days when it had been six months anyway?

***

Typically, most people loved the holidays. Once Halloween hit, it was all focused on the winter holidays. Halloween had candy and costumes, Thanksgiving had turkey and giving thanks, Christmas had presents and family, and New Year's had celebrations and champagne.

But for you, it wasn't nice and full of family for the first time in your life.

Since most people were with their families on Thanksgiving, you knew that tonight would be hard. You knew you probably wouldn't make the amount of money you wanted to this weekend since everyone was with their families. But, you needed money. So, you did what you had to do.

You wasted money on a skimpy little outfit a few days prior and put it on, a pair of skimpy shorts and a corset under the cheap coat from a thrift store and braved the cold November air.

Time for some more meaningless sex for money; so is your life.

***

Will walked into his childhood home and called out to his dad and you. He heard clambering down the steps and assumed it was you because you were always excited for whenever one of your brothers was coming home.

And, Will was excited, too. He hadn't seen you or talked to you in months and he had bought you some fancy highlighters to use in your textbooks. These were currently wrapped in wrapping paper and he was ready to give them to you and see your reaction.

But, when Will saw only his dad coming down the stairs, he became very confused. Granted, it was early Thursday morning, so he figured you might be at the library studying, but he was still shocked not to see you.

"Hey, Dad," Will greeted once his dad was downstairs and pulled him into a rare hug. When he pulled away he asked, "Where's Y/N? She at the library or something?"

He laughed. "Not since May she hasn't been."

Will furrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean? She's been studying at home? She transferred schools?"

"Nope. Just didn't want to study medicine."

"What do you--" Will's eyes went wide as he realized what his dad was saying so nonchalantly. "You didn't cut her off. Tell me you didn't cut her off."

"She's been out of my house since late May."

Will wanted to strangle his dad. "You son of a bitch! I can't believe you!"

"Do not talk to me that way! I'm your father!"

"Some father!" Will scoffed. "First you kicked Jay out because he didn't want to go into medicine and now Y/N? A father doesn't make their love contingent on a career, Dad!"

"I still love her--"

"Like hell you do! Do you even know where she is?"

"Beats me."

"You fucking son of bitch!" Then, Will picked up his stuff.

"Where are you going?" his dad asked, clearly oblivious to why this was such an issue.

"No way in hell am I celebrating Thanksgiving with you! You know, you basically hate Jay and Y/N, so why don't you add me to that list, too, you old prick?"

"William--"

"Goodbye, Dad."

Then, Will walked outside. He hadn't even made it to his car when he dialed Jay's number.

"Hey," Jay answered. "Sick of Dad already?" he joked.

"He kicked Y/N out," Will said quickly as he unlocked his car and quickly got in.

"Son of a bitch," Jay muttered as he continued putting the groceries away. Hailey said she and Jay should have a Thanksgiving dinner, so he quickly ran to the store to grab things that they hadn't been able to pick up earlier in the week. "That's why we haven't heard from her. Does he know where she is? Anything at all?"

"No, he hasn't seen her since May."

"May? And, how the hell are you so calm right now?" Jay yelled and grabbed his badge, gun, keys, and wallet.

"Because I already yelled at Dad and I'm driving so I can't really drive when I'm super angry unless you want me to crash into something! And, I'm gonna go find some homeless hot spots here, maybe check some shelters, maybe try and contact some of her friends. She could've stayed with one of them."

"Leave the contacting friends to me. I'm going to the district. Gonna talk to Platt and Voight and see what we can do."

"Okay, let me know what they say. I'll be looking at shelters and other places and I'll let you know if I find something." Will sighed. "We should've known something was wrong, Jay. We just should've fucking known."

"But we couldn't. There's no way we could've known, man. And the only way we can make up for that is to find her." Then, Jay hung up.

"Where are you going?" Hailey asked.

"To the district. C'mon. I'll explain on the way."

***

"Hey, Chuckles. Hey Goldilocks. Did Intelligence catch a case that didn't go through me first? Because I might have to talk to Voight about that," Trudy Platt's sassy self said as Jay and Hailey walked into the district the night of Thanksgiving.

"My sister," Jay said quickly. "She needs help. Call in Voight and the rest of the unit," Jay rushed out as he made his way over to the gate to get into Intelligence. He quickly scanned his hand and then ran up the stairs into the bullpen, taking them two at a time.

"Jay, what are you doing?" Hailey hissed as he sat down at his desk and immediately turned on the computer. "We need to wait for Voight."

"Hailey, I love you, and you know I want to do this the right way, but I can't wait. Run downstairs and grab Platt and have her come up here so I can explain and then she can sign off on me getting a warrant for Y/N's phone." He paused and looked directly at her. "Please," he added, his voice cracking.

"Okay," she answered softly, sensing how much pain he was in. "Be right back."

Not even a minute later, Platt was upstairs in the bullpen.

"What's going on?" she asked Jay as he continued typing on his computer.

"My dad, he uh, he kicked out my sister, Y/N in May and he hasn't heard from her since then and neither me nor Will has either. She's eighteen, Sarge. It's not safe out there for her with no money or family."

"Okay, Jay, what are you doing right now?" Trudy asked calmly.

"Typing up a warrant for Y/N's phone records and location."

"Jay, I know you're terrified right now and want to help," she began, "but I'm going to have Hailey do that. You need to tell me everything there is to know about her, places she might be, a recent photo of her--"

"Wait, you're handing this off to missing persons?"

"No, I'm not. I want to keep this as much in-house as you do, Halstead. But, if worst comes to worst and we have to hand it off, it's nice to have all the information. And, putting out a BOLO on her right away would be helpful."

"You're right, you're right. Sorry, Sarge," Jay apologized.

"It's okay, you're upset. Any other day it would most definitely not be okay. But today, I'll let it slide." Then, Voight walked into the bullpen. "Find a recent photo and write up everything that's important and you think we should know. I'll tell Voight."

***

A few hours later, Voight addressed the unit. "Forget about all the other cases," Voight said. He slapped a photo of you up on the whiteboard. "This is Jay's sister, Y/N Halstead, eighteen years old, went missing in May because her dad cut her off and kicked her out. She lived in New York, but since Jay lives here, it's possible she could have tried to get to Chicago. So, I'm looping in Lieutenant Benson of Special Victims in Manhanttan just in case worst comes to worst. And that means that we all have to be on our best behavior and do this by the book. If something happened to her and this goes to trial in New York, it needs to be air-tight. Got me?"

Everyone said a form of yes and they got to work. Voight and Platt got in touch with Lieutenant Olivia Benson in Manhattan, Jay told Will that some cops from New York might be coming to interview him, so it would be best to just go down to the Manhattan precinct that Voight was looping in and that a cop would be talking to their dad, too...just not to let him in on that. Hailey had gotten a judge to sign off on a warrant for your cell phone, so she was digging through old cell phone records of yours. Adam, Kevin, and Kim came into the district halfway through their Thanksgiving dinners (so partially stuffed) and started to work the case by asking Jay where he had taken you in Chicago and places you had mentioned before. Once they had that list, the three of them went out to go and look for you in those locations.

"You doing okay?" Hailey asked as she pulled her chair over to his desk, your phone records in her hand.

Jay scoffed. "No. I just- I can't believe he'd cut her off. Me, I can see because me and my dad didn't have the best relationship, to begin with, but...God, Hailey, this gonna sound incredibly sexist, but she's a girl; there's more danger if she's out in the world alone than if it were me. And, I went into the military and when I got back, I was older so it was easier for me to get on my feet." Granted, I did have PTSD, Jay thought...but, he didn't say that out loud. "I just need her to be safe. I won't be able to live with myself if she's..."

"Jay, I know you're scared, but you can't think like that. We're gonna find her...just, not by her phone records."

She passed him the phone records and he flipped through them, to the last time her phone was on and active.

May.

Your phone hadn't been active since May. And the last place it was active was Jay's childhood home in New York, the place where you had been living with your dad before he kicked you out.

"Son of a bitch," Jay muttered. Hailey looked at him and quirked an eyebrow upward, silently asking for an explanation. "My dad took her phone, too." He sat for a second and then an idea popped into his head and started frantically typing.

"What are you looking for?" Hailey asked.

"Metro card," he answered while still typing.

"Metro card?"

"She didn't get her license until seventeen because she still needed to get all her driving hours in. So, for her sixteenth birthday, I bought her a metro card. And she calls me if she needs more money on it. She got a car when she got her license, so there was still a balance on there."

"So, you're thinking it's possible that she used her metro card to get wherever she is?"

"Yeah. And if it ran out of money, I would've gotten a call or an email and I haven't gotten one of those."

"So it's possible she still has it and is using it," Hailey said as she realized what Jay was getting at.

"Exactly."

Jay hit a few more buttons and then up popped your metro card history.

"Sarge!" Jay yelled and he came out of his office. "I need you to call Lieutenant Benson and tell her we don't need her."

Voight cocked his head to the side. "Why?"

"She took a train to Chicago shortly after her last cell phone ping. There hasn't been an email or phone call to me saying she's run out of money and there's no record of a trip from Chicago back to New York."

"So you're saying she's here?" Voight asked.

"She's somewhere here. We just have to find her."

***

Jay had called Will and he was currently on his way back from New York. The Special Victims Unit in Manhattan had told Voight to reach out if anything changed and they were needed again.

It had been over eighteen hours and there were still no leads on the case. It was nearing noon and Jay hadn't slept in over a day...neither had the rest of the unit. So, much to Jay's displeasure, Voight sent everyone home and told them to come back at the very earliest 6 pm.

"No way am I going to be able to sleep, Hailey," Jay groaned as he laid next to Hailey in bed, the blinds drawn to make it slightly darker in the mid-day sun.

"I get it," Hailey agreed. "Sleep doesn't come when you're stressed. But, you have to try. And, if you can't sleep by 3:00, then we can go out and look for her ourselves."

"You'd really do that? Voight said he didn't want us being reckless."

Hailey scoffed. "Like Voight's one not to be reckless." She paused. "And, I didn't say we were going to be reckless, I said we'd look for her. We'll just drive around and look for her, no recklessness involved. And, Platt sent out a BOLO on the city-wide so any officer who sees Y/N has to call it in."

"I don't trust uniforms," Jay grumbled.

"Jay, just try and get some rest. Can't have you hallucinating from lack of sleep."

"Haha, very funny, Hails. Very funny."

Then, he turned on his side and tried to sleep.

***

Fuck, it was cold. You were tired and were worried that you were starting to get a bad cold and the nearest corner store was a block away. But, you kept walking even though you desperately wanted to sit down on a bench and take a rest for a few minutes. You needed something warm to drink and maybe a snack. Then, you'd go back to your tent and sleep...well, sleep as much as you could since it was during the day and was never truly quiet. You were too scared to sleep at night, so you had trained your body to sleep during the day and stay awake during the night. And, this helped for your few times a week "work" hours, too.

You continued walking and eventually made it to the store. You grabbed a bag of chips and made yourself a hot tea.

Then, you made your way up to the counter to pay, but no one was there.

But, then you heard the sound of sirens and heard the bell above the door jingle.

Cops.

Shit.

***

Jay poured himself a cup of coffee and then scrolled through his phone. He wasn't scrolling through the news or social media, but rather scrolling through all of the old texts he and you had exchanged to see if there was something in there that would help him find you; someplace you had mentioned that he had thought nothing of at first like somewhere you might want to go to when you came to visit next.

But, he found nothing.

He began to fiddle with his police radio.

Hailey walked into the living room. "Thought I told you to get some sleep?"

"I did," Jay replied as he kept twisting the dial on the radio, listening to officers over the radio. "Two solid hours."

"Huh, I don't think so. But keep telling yourself that. You should really try to go back to sleep, Jay. We both should--"

"Shhh!" He abruptly cut her off and turned up the volume on his radio.

"Possible spotting of missing woman Y/N Halstead. Dispatch, notify the 21st district and Intelligence, and tell them that we are moving in."

"Copy. What is your location?"

Jay and Hailey were up and putting on their coats while they listened to Jay's radio with the location. Hailey grabbed her keys while Jay spoke into the radio.

"This is 5021 George and 5021 Henry. Hold us down on the Y/N Halstead case as plainclothes officers responding."

"Copy that 5021 George."

Jay had never thought of this like a case before now, but he guessed that was what it technically was.

***

Hailey sped down the streets of Chicago and to a small corner store. Jay jumped out before the car was even in park.

A few minutes earlier you were sure you were going to be arrested for prostitution. You had thought about dropping the tea and the bag of chips and making a run for it, but there was only one door out of the store that you knew of...and you didn't want to burn yourself by spilling scalding hot tea down yourself.

So, you were shocked when the officers asked who you were and then said that you weren't being arrested. But, all they said was for you to wait in the back of the car, which didn't exactly ease all your fears about having charges brought against you. But, it was cold and they were cops, so you obeyed and sat in the back of their patrol car. At least it had heat.

"Where is she?" Jay yelled. "She in the back?" he asked.

The officer nodded and Jay ripped the backseat door open.

You were so zoned out on trying to figure out what these officers wanted from you that you didn't even realize that cold air was now rushing into the patrol car and hitting your body.

That was until you heard a familiar voice.

"Y/N."

No, it couldn't be. It had been months; there's no way he would've been able to find you after all this time.

"Short Stack, it's me. It's Jay."

You turned your head, expecting it to be your deepest desires playing tricks on you, and you almost fell out of the seat when you saw that it was Jay. He was here and he was real.

"J-Jay?" you asked as you felt tears pool in your eyes. You never thought you'd see him or Will again and here he was.

"It's me."

Jay looked you over. You looked exhausted. You did have on a coat, but below that was just a skimpy tank top. You also had shorts on. He knew what this was--or rather, what it looked like--but he wasn't worried about that right now. He was worried about how thin and pale you were and your runny nose.

He looked at the officers. "You going to Med?"

"That was the plan," one answered.

"Mind if I ride with you?" he asked.

"Don't mind at all, Detective."

Jay nodded and then turned to Hailey. "Meet us at Med? And, can you loop in the unit and Will?"

Hailey smiled. "Copy that."

Jay sat next to you in the backseat on the way to Chicago Med. Since this wasn't technically an emergency because you weren't dying, there were no lights and sirens. Jay didn't try to initiate contact even though he so desperately wanted to. He knew you had been on your own for months and had no idea what you had endured, so he thought it was best to let you initiate the contact.

You reached out and fiddled with the badge that was around Jay's neck, just like you used to do with his dog tags right before he got deployed.

That was all the contact Jay needed.

He wrapped his arm around you and pulled you close. You relaxed into his touch.

"I thought you forgot about me," you whispered and ran your hands up and down your legs in some semblance of warming them.

Jay pulled away for a quick second and shed his jacket and then draped it over your legs. "Take it. It's cold out." Then, he wrapped his arm around you again and allowed you to use him as a pillow. "I could never forget about you. I'm just sorry it took so long."

***

"Jay, what are you doing here?" Maggie asked as you and Jay walked into the ED. You were walking a lot slower than Jay would've liked, and he could tell you were exhausted just by your pace.

"Maggie, this is my sister, Y/N--"

"What?"

"I'll explain later. Just, can she get checked out please?"

"Halstead?" Dylan Scott asked when he saw his former colleague.

"Scott?" Jay asked.

"You need a doc? I can take her if you want. Maggie?"

"Treatment four's open."

"Right this way," Dylan said and then led you and Jay into a treatment room.

You slowly got on the bed and laid Jay's jacket over your legs once more.

"Hey, I'm Doctor Scott," Dylan said as he pulled a stool over next to you and sat down. "Can you tell me your name?"

"Y/N," you said. "How do you know my brother?"

"We went to the academy together. He's a hell of a cop."

You furrowed your eyebrows. "But you're a doctor."

Dylan smiled. "Sometimes, career changes are good. You gotta do what makes you happy."

Yeah, tell that to my dad, you thought to yourself.

You nodded and shivered.

"I'll have a nurse come to take your vitals while I go grab another blanket." He made eye contact with Jay.

"I gotta go call Will," Jay said. "Be right back, Short Stack."

"Okay." You nodded and Dylan and Jay left the room as a nurse entered to take your vitals.

Dylan brought Jay into the doctor's lounge. "Care to tell me what your sister's doing here? Because, depending on how old she is, I'm seeing very clear signs of neglect or an eating disorder based on her size. And, you know as well as I do that if it's the first option, that I have a legal obligation to call DCFS."

Jay sighed. "She's eighteen." He pointed to the coffee. "Do you mind?"

Dylan shook his head and sat down at the table. "Not at all."

"Thanks. I feel like I haven't slept in days."

Jay poured himself a cup of coffee and then sat down at the table across from Dylan.

"She's here because of my dad," he answered.

"So, it is abuse?" Dylan asked.

"Well, not exactly. She's been eighteen since April and she was going to school. She was going to become a doctor. But, my dad kicked her out. All I know is that she's probably been on the street since then."

"How'd she get here?"

"Took a train. Probably tried to find me or Will, but since our dad took her phone, that was basically impossible."

"And do you know if she was..." He trailed off. "Because by the look of her clothes..."

"I don't know. And, I don't want to push her if she is. Just, can you check every box with her? Who knows what she did this past half a year. Eye exam included."

Dylan looked confused at the last part. "Eye exam? Why?"

"She normally wears glasses because she's a bit nearsighted, but she wasn't wearing them. So, if she needs new glasses, I wanna know."

"Okay, but you do know that since she's eighteen, I have to tell her all the tests I'm doing and why. And if she refuses one of them, that I won't do it because she has full decision-making capacity?"

"I understand."

"I gotta get back. Feel free to stay in here to call Will."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

Then, Dylan walked out of the room to go retrieve a blanket for you.

You looked up when Dr. Scott walked into the room with the blanket you asked for.

"Vitals look good. We'll have to check her weight, but that can be done later. Everything looks good except her lung sounds are a little wheezy," the nurse said.

"Thank you," Dylan said and the nurse handed your chart over to him and ducked out of the treatment room.

Dylan held the blanket out to you and you took it. "Thanks," you said.

"You're welcome. We'll probably have to get you into a gown soon, but we don't have to do that just yet." You nodded as you set the blanket over you and pulled it up to your chin. Dylan took a seat on the stool next to your bed. "Listen, Jay told me what happened. And, he and I would like to do a full workup. All the tests, all the pokes, and prods. I'll tell you which tests they are if they aren't standard because you have to give us permission to do those. We won't force you to do anything you don't want."

You nodded, then looked down. "He wants me to get an STD test, doesn't he?"

"He does." Your eyes widened. You didn't want to be poked and prodded down there! "All we have to do is test a blood sample, but if you don't want that test, we don't have to do that."

"It's not a pelvic exam?"

Dylan shook his head. "Nope. We just test the blood. You don't have to decide if you want it now, but I do have to run some standard blood panels, so just let me or a nurse know after your blood is drawn."

"Okay, thank you."

"Are you having any issues at the moment? The nurse said your lungs sound wheezy. Are you have difficulty breathing? Any coughing, sore throat, mucous build-up, fever, or headaches?"

"Just stuffy and my throat's a little scratchy and there's a lot of mucous." You paused. "And I'm tired."

Dylan nodded. "Understandable. Tell you what, I'll let you rest and I'll come back in a few hours to run some tests. Sound good?" You nodded. "Great. I think Jay's on his way back right now."

Jay walked in just as Dylan walked out. And, he wasn't alone. There was a blonde girl with him.

"Warming up?" Jay asked.

You shrugged. "A little."

"Good. I talked to Will. He's got a four-hour drive left and I'm adding two hours to that because of traffic, so he should meet us here at like 8:00." You nodded. "And this is Hailey. She's my partner at work and my girlfriend."

Your eyes widened. "Well, you two look cute together. Especially with the height difference."

"Shocked you can see that," Jay joked. Then, he looked at you with his serious face. "Y/N, I need to know, what happened to your glasses?" You looked down. "Hey, whatever happened, whatever you did, I promise you I won't be mad. I'm just glad you're here and that you're safe."

You swallowed and then cleared your throat to get the mucous out. "Um, someone stole my glasses."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "Were you mugged? Did someone hurt you?"

"No, nothing like that. I just came back to my tent one day and they were gone."

Jay took a deep breath; he didn't know what to say. He knew what you meant when you said tent. So, Hailey picked up where Jay left off.

"You were living on the street?" Hailey asked and then took a small step towards you.

"Yeah," you practically whispered. You looked up at Jay. "I'm sorry. I tried to find you, but I didn't have a phone and--"

"No," Jay said and quickly shook his head. "None of this is your fault."

"I should've memorized your number or Will's number and not depend so much on my phone. Maybe then--" you let out a wail. "I was so scared! Every night, ev- every day!"

Jay kneeled down in front of you and gently grabbed your hand. "Shhh, shhh, it's okay. You have me and Will and all our friends now. You're safe. You know we're always here for you, right? Even if it took us a bit, we'll always be there for you. You'll never be alone now."

You sniffled and wiped your tears. "You promise?"

"I promise. Now, get some sleep. When you wake up, Will will probably be back and he'll be mother-henning the living crap out of you."

***

"Is she hurt? Is she sick? Did they do a blood panel yet?" Will asked frantically as he entered the treatment room.

"Shh!" Jay said quickly. "She's sleeping." He looked to Hailey. "You mind staying in here while me and him talk in case she wakes up. Even though she doesn't really know you yet, I don't want her to be alone."

Hailey nodded and gave him a small smile. "Of course."

Jay and Will left the ED entirely and made their way to the cafeteria, each grabbing a sandwich and a large cup of coffee. Jay bought a sandwich and a large coffee to bring back to Hailey, too.

"Doctors say anything yet?" Will asked as he unwrapped his sandwich.

"They haven't done a blood panel yet," Jay answered as he stirred a packet of cream into his coffee. "Dylan said he'd let her sleep for a bit and then come back and do it. He's pretty good with patients."

"Well, he does work in Peds, so I'd hope so," Will informed his brother. Will sighed. "She looked pretty thin."

"Yeah." Jay paused, still reeling from what you had told him and Hailey a few hours ago. "She's been living on the street, in a tent. She said someone stole her glasses, too."

Will clenched his jaw. "I wish we would've known sooner."

"Yeah, me too."

They ate in silence for a few bites until Will spoke up again. "Where do we go from here? Like, is there a trial? Does one of us have to fill out paperwork since she'll be with us? And then there's the health insurance..."

"Whoa, slow down," Jay said. "And, there won't be a trial. She was eighteen when it happened, so you know as well as I do that the minute someone turns eighteen, their parents are no longer legally responsible for them."

"In this world, pretty damn hard to be on your feet at eighteen." Jay nodded in agreement. "I should've decked Dad when I had the chance."

"I don't have jurisdiction in New York, so I don't think that would've been a good idea."

"Why not? I know you'd have done the same thing."

"Because it'd be a hell of a lot harder for me to get you out of jail in New York than it would be to get you out of jail here in Chicago." Jay took a deep breath. "I think Y/N should come live with me."

"You came to that conclusion quickly," Will observed and then took a sip of his coffee.

"Yeah, well, me and Hailey just bought a new house and there's a spare bedroom. I'm pretty sure I can get her under my health insurance through CPD because, no offense, man, but their plan is definitely better than yours. And, our place is bigger than yours."

"Damn, you really thought this through. Proud of you, little brother."

Jay rolled his eyes. "Shut up."

Will closed his eyes and took a deep breath, preparing to ask the question he knew he had to when he found out you were missing. And, he was dreading what the answer would be. "Do you know if she was sexually assaulted?"

Jay's voice got quieter as if he was afraid to even answer the question himself even though he didn't have an answer from you yet. "I don't know. By the looks of what she was wearing...well, she looked like some of the girls I've picked up for solicitation in the past. That's not to say that what she was wearing makes it so that she was turning tricks for sure though."

"Jay, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I have my suspicions. Think about it. She had no money, she was sleeping in a tent, she said her glasses got stolen. I don't know, man, something's just not adding up. I don't want it to be true, but..."

Will nodded, knowing what he was going to say. "If it is true you want to get her treatment, but you don't want to force her to tell us anything."

"Yeah. I asked Dylan to run an STD test, but he said that she has to agree to it."

"And then there's confidentiality, so it's not like he can tell us if she has an STD even if Y/N does agree to the test."

"Exactly."

"So, we just wait?" Will asked.

"That's all I can think to do right now. That and make sure she feels safe at mine and Hailey's house and make sure she's healthy."

"Well, hey, that's something me and you can make sure happens, right? And then, maybe when she's not in survival mode anymore, she'll open up to us."

"Yeah," Jay agreed. "I really hope you're right."

***

"Hey, kiddo," Will said as he and Jay walked back into the treatment room. "How are you feeling?"

"Warm," you said quietly and stretched your arms above your head.

"Glad to hear it. Dr. Scott said that you're feeling a little stuffy?"

"Yeah, but it's nothing. I've had worse." You quickly clamped your mouth shut, realizing what you had just said.

"When you were by yourself?" Will asked gently and crouched down next to your bed.

You nodded and looked down and squeezed your eyes shut, trying to keep the tears at bay.

"Can you maybe tell us about that?"

"Do I have to?"

"You don't have to, but it might help to talk about it."

You sighed. "It was just a really bad case of the flu and it's hard to take care of yourself when there's- when you have to go inside places to go- to go to the bathroom. It was humiliating." The tears began to fall and you wiped them away and looked at Will.

He immediately pulled you into a hug. "Hey, it's okay. You're safe now. You're not alone. Let it out."

And so, you cried and clutched Will's shirt for the next half an hour. You cried at how your dad had kicked you out without even a second thought. You cried at how you only had yourself to depend on. You cried at you had to sleep with grown men just to survive and the pain and humiliation and shame that came with that. You cried at how disappointed you were for yourself. And, you cried with relief of your brothers finally finding you.

***

"Watch your step," Jay warned as you, Will, Jay, and Hailey walked across the parking lot of Jay and Hailey's apartment complex. "Lots of potholes in the parking lot that the city needs to fix."

"Okay," you answered and moved closer to Will and leaned into him, relishing in his warmth.

That's one thing that Dylan had told you: you'd be cold for a while until your weight increased. And, you'd have a weakened immune system until your weight increased, so fighting this cold would be harder...and you'd be colder than normal. Well, colder than you would've been last year at this time when you were living with your dad and hadn't been out on the streets, fighting to survive, and losing weight by no fault of your own in the process. He also told you that you didn't have any STDs (Thank God for forcing the johns to wear condoms if they wanted your services) and that your new glasses would be in, in about a week.

You made your way into the house and were hit with a warm gust of air immediately upon entering.

The heat was on.

"Welcome home," Jay said. "If you wanna change your clothes, Hailey said you could borrow some of hers until we go to the store or order stuff online."

"Uh, thanks. But can I, um, can I take a shower?"

"Of course," Jay said. "I can show you your room while Hailey grabs you some clothes. There's a bathroom right off of your room."

You nodded and followed Jay into what would now be deemed your bedroom. Hailey brought you some clothes a few minutes later and Jay told you that towels were in the cabinet and there should already be body wash, shampoo, and conditioner in the shower and just to yell if you needed anything.

You started to shower.

At first, you made the water lukewarm and just stood under it; you didn't need it scalding hot...this time at least.

For the past six months, you had had two different shower routines (besides the beginning when you were staying in motels with the money you had brought with you because your shower routine was normal then).

The first routine was sneaking into the YMCA when the front desk person who scanned people's membership badges was busy. From there, you'd rush to the locker rooms with your backpack of clothes and toiletries and take a quick shower. Typically, you kept the water lukewarm so that you wouldn't get too tired and relaxed under the hot water because you knew you needed to hurry. You couldn't give them any reason to realize that you weren't a member and the faster you finished your shower and got out of the building, the better. You didn't think that they'd do anything about it, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Because of this, you usually only took a five to eight minute shower and were usually out of the building in twenty minutes tops.

The other routine was after you had made some money in hotels.

Usually, after you were finished, you'd ask to shower and the men would typically flippantly agree and wave you over to the bathroom. This was when you'd make your showers scalding hot. You wanted to wash off all remnants of that night. So, you'd take one of the wash clothes and douse it in body wash and scrub. You'd scrub and scrub under the hot water until your skin looked red. Then, you'd quickly wash your hair and finish showering. But, you thought that by scrubbing and practically burning yourself with the shower water that you'd wash away everything from that night, that everything except the money he handed you would go down the drain of the shower. Sometimes, you wished that you'd shrink into the size of a water droplet and fit down that drain, too.

But, of course, that never happened.

You massaged some body wash into your skin and rinsed it off. You continued doing this over and over and then did the same thing with the shampoo, trying to wash everything about the past six months off your body and from your hair. Then, you turned up the heat of the water all the way and just stood under the showerhead, allowing the hottest water to pour over you.

You took a deep breath and finally allowed yourself to relax in a shower for the first time in a long time.

***

You didn't know how long you had been in the shower but soon heard Jay pounding on the door and calling your name.

"Y/N? You okay in there? You've been in the shower for an hour."

"I have? I'm getting out right now!"

"Take as much time as you want," Jay reassurred you. But, You quickly turned off the shower and dried yourself off and got out of the shower and changed into the clothes that Hailey let you borrow.

You wrapped your hair up in a towel and left the bathroom.

"Whoa!" Jay said when you stepped out of the bathroom two minutes after he had yelled to make sure that you were okay. "I didn't mean you had to get out right this second. You could've stayed in as long as you wanted."

"It's okay," you said, still holding your dirty clothes in your hand. "I don't wanna make your water bill go up that much. I'm sorry for taking such a long shower." You looked down at your feet.

"Hey, hey, no," Jay said quietly and soothingly. "You don't have to worry about that. You just need to focus on getting your strength and your weight back up."

"Are you sure? I can go get a job somewhere--"

"Y/N, I am dead serious. Now, do you want to go to mine and Hailey's favorite brunch spot? We can even invite Will because I know he'll be here soon after he gets home and showers, too."

"Uh, sure," you agreed. You didn't really want to go because you didn't want Jay to have to have  spend more money on you when you knew he already was going to be paying for living expenses such as your food, shelter, and clothing.

When living on the street, that was one thing you realized: everything was a lot more expensive than you had previously thought.

"If you want to dry your hair, I can grab you Hailey's hairdryer out of our bathroom if you want? Wouldn't want your hair to turn into icicles."

You nodded and Jay went off to grab the hairdryer.

***

"This doesn't look like a restaurant," you said to Jay and Hailey as Jay parked the truck in front of a shoe store. Not that you could have seen that the name of the store had shoe in it until you were right up in front of it because your glasses hadn't come in yet.

"Because it's not. And, you're getting at least two pairs of shoes. Can't let your toes freeze off in these Chicago winters."

You looked down at your crappy Nike shoes that had gotten you through all this. He was right of course, there were holes in your shoes, but you hadn't wanted to ask him for new ones, so you just said nothing.

"I'm okay with just a new of tennis shoes," you mumbled.

"Nope. Boots and tennis shoes. If you take one step outside in tennis shoes in January, your foot will be soaked."

So, you reluctantly agreed and walked into the shoe store. You tried to just go for the cheapest ones, but Jay wasn't letting that happen. He handed you multiple pairs of Nike and Adidas shoes in your size while Hailey went to look for nice, fluffy pairs of boots for you to try on while you sat on the still and tried on all the tennis shoes.

"What about these?" you asked them when you tried on a pair of navy blue Adidas shoes with a pink Adidas logo on both sides.

Hailey nodded. "I like them. They're not too bulky that they would look weird with jeans or shorts either. Nice choice."

"Thanks." You looked up at Jay, waiting for him to voice his opinion.

"As long as you have shoes that fit right and keep your feet warm and are supportive, I don't care what they look like. That more your and Hailey's department."

"It is," Hailey started. "I mean look at his shoes." You looked down at Jay's black, beat-up boots he always wore. "The man needs new shoes!"

"Hey! For your information, I accidentally left my nicer pair in my work locker and instead brought these ones home," Jay argued.

"Okay, babe, keep telling yourself that."

You laughed. They were so happy together.

You got that pair of Adidas shoes and then a black pair of boots which were very fluffy and cozy inside, perfect for those harsh Chicago winters.

Now it was time for brunch.

***

You sat down next to Will in the booth at the restaurant and immediately started to fiddle with the gold chain with a cross charm that he always wore around his neck.

"You know," Will began, "I can just buy you a necklace like this one since you like mine so much."

You shook your head and stopped playing with the cross charm. "I like playing with other people's better." It reminded you that you weren't alone anymore.

Will looked at Jay and Jay shrugged from across the table. You had always bounced your leg as a kid--from general anxiety--but playing with other people's stuff was new for you.

Hailey laughed. "I think it's cute that she does that," she gushed.

Jay rolled his eyes. "Of course you would."

Then, the waitress came by and brought your menus. You scanned the drink selection, knowing that you were only going to get water anyway since you wouldn't have to pay for that. So, you seemed a bit out of place when Hailey and Jay both got coffee and Will got a latte.

When she walked away to let you look over the menu to figure out the rest of your order, Will spoke up.

"Y/N, they have really good hot chocolate here. It's got caramel in and whipped cream and more caramel on top."

"I'm okay with water," you said and then took a sip of your water for emphasis.

Jay and Will shared a look. Will wanted you to drink it because he knew it would be an easy way to get more calories in you, but Jay knew that the reason you weren't getting anything fancy was because of the price.

You scanned over the menu and looked at all the prices. You probably would end up getting the oatmeal with fruit since it was the cheapest thing.

The three of them started talking about what they were going to get and when it got to you, you said, "The oatmeal with fruit."

Jay sighed. "Y/N, I know you're worried that this is too expensive." You looked down and that was all the confirmation he needed. "But, me and Will have adult jobs, which means we can afford to do these things and we can take care of you until you get on your feet in a few years or decide you want to go off to college."

"Let us help you, kiddo," Will added. "Please."

"At least let me get the tip," you argued.

"No," Jay said quickly. He ran a hand over his face. "How much money do you have right now?"

"One hundred and fifty dollars," you mumbled.

"Okay." Jay thought for a moment. "How about we set you up a savings account and you put $100 in there and then you keep the extra $50 for random things you want to buy. But if you're with me or Will, we'll pay for your food and stuff like that if we go out anywhere. Sound like a plan?"

"I mean, I guess."

"Good. Now look over the menu and figure out what you actually want to get."

When the waitress came back, you ordered pancakes, and the two sides you chose were sausage and hash browns. She was about to leave, but Will quickly stopped her.

"And can she also get a medium caramel hot chocolate?" he asked.

"Of course," she said as she scribbled it down. "Good choice. That one's my favorite." Then, she walked off with your orders.

"Will, I didn't need--"

"Just consider it my treat, Y/N."

And so you did. And Will was right: that hot chocolate was pretty damn good.

***

One week later

"I come bearing--"

"Shhh!" Jay said quickly. "Y/N's sleeping!"

"Okay," Will whispered. "I brought her glasses. They came in today." He paused. "It's like 6:00. Why's she sleeping?"

"Poor kid can't sleep at night," Hailey answered.

"Well, I'm gonna go give these to her," Will determined, wanting to wake you up now so that you could sleep later tonight.

"Will--"

"Jay, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing."

Will entered your room and touched your shoulder while he whispered your name.

You were startled awake when someone touched your shoulder.

"Y/N, it's me. It's just Will," he said quietly. "Didn't mean to scare you." He flicked on your lamp and held something out to you. "Your glasses came in."

You opened the white case and popped the pink and white glasses on. "I can--" You cleared the mucous from your throat. "I can see again. Thanks." And then, you started coughing.

Will furrowed his eyebrows and squatted down so he'd be eye-level with you since you were still sitting in bed. "You getting sick, kiddo?"

Will took in your appearance. You had giant bags under your eyes despite having a roof over your head and knowing that you were safe now. Your voice had been scratchy when you talked and you sounded like you were all stuffed up with mucous. The area below your nose was red and raw, which Will assumed was from you blowing your nose a ton.

You shrugged. You knew you were getting a really bad cold--and it didn't help that you weren't sleeping very much--, but didn't want to be a burden and worry your brothers and Hailey.

Will put the back of his hand to your forehead. "You don't feel warm, but I'd feel much better if you'd give me some symptoms so I can help you. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah." You paused. "My nose is stuffy and my throat is sore and scratchy," you answered.

Will nodded. "Okay. And, does right here hurt?" He touched either side of his head at his temples. "Or here?" He touched the area below his eyes where his sinuses were located.

"Here," you answered as you touched the area below your eyes.

"Okay, it's possible you have a sinus infection. But, it's nothing to worry about; it should go away on its own. But for now, I want you to take a warm shower if you're up to it. The steam should help clear you out a bit."

"Okay," you said and stood up and grabbed a change of clothes.

Earlier in the week, you and Hailey had gone shopping and you had gotten some clothes. Jay had met you at the mall later to get you a phone, too. You had protested and said you really didn't need one, but he said he couldn't risk you going missing again. And, he needed an upgrade anyway. So, both you and Jay had gotten new phones that day.

You got in the shower while Will went to talk with Jay and Hailey.

"You do know she's sick, right?" Will started as he stood in front of the tv to make sure that he had Jay's full attention and he couldn't keep walking the sportscasters talk about the Blackhawks pre-game show.

Jay turned off the tv. The pre-game wasn't that important anyway. "She's sick? I thought she just had a cold."

"She does, but I think it turned into a sinus infection," Will said.

"Don't you need antibiotics for that?"

"No, she just needs to rest and her body will heal on its own. She can use a nasal decongestant, but not for more than three days at a time or else it'll clog up her nose even more."

"So that's it?" Jay asked. "We can't do anything else?"

"Besides sleep and making sure she's eating and drinking enough water, that's about it."

"Would soup help?" Hailey piped up.

"Well, she said her throat's sore and scratchy, so it might help to have something go down easy, yeah," Will answered.

"Okay, then it's settled. I'm making chicken noodle soup for dinner."

"I hope you don't always make her cook dinner, Jay," Will said. "Mom definitely taught us better than that...even though she basically cooked for Dad every night."

Jay rolled his eyes. "We both cook, man. She just happens to have the better chicken noodle soup recipe."

"In that case, I'll be staying for dinner."

"Will! You can't just invite yourself to stay for dinner! You know that's not how it works!"

Hailey laughed. "Jay, it's fine. I don't mind cooking a little extra."

Twenty minutes later, you walked into the living room in a pair of sweatpants, fuzzy socks, a t-shirt, and a bathrobe tied around you.

"Shower help?" Will asked.

You shrugged. "A little. Where's Hailey?"

"She's in the kitchen making chicken noodle soup for dinner," Jay answered. "It's amazing; you'll love it. She even uses those bow tie noodles you really like."

You smiled. "Sounds good."

"Now that you can see the puck on tv," Jay started, "wanna watch the Blackhawks game?"

"Sure. Turned from a Rangers fan into a Hawks fan now, did both of you?"

"No. I still prefer the Rangers, but you only get so many out-of-market games. The Hawks are our backup team in case the Rangers don't get into the playoffs. Right, Will?"

"He's right. I'm gonna go get you some water before we start the game," Will added. "Gotta keep you hydrated."

***

It was currently nearing two in the morning and you had been trying to sleep since 10 pm because you were so, so tired. The combination of little sleep and having a sinus infection really made you utterly exhausted.

You got up from bed and grabbed your water bottle. Then, you made your way into the kitchen and turned on a light. Maybe eating more soup would help you feel sleepy since it was warm.

That's exactly what you did, ate soup at the kitchen table at 1:47 in the morning. But, after you finished it and sat at the table and let your mind wander for ten more minutes, you still weren't tired.

So, you put your bowl in the sink and turned off the light. Then, you made your way to the living room and turned on a lamp. You grabbed a blanket from the chest in the corner and set it on the couch. Then, you made your way over to the bookshelf that was set up against the wall of the living room that was closest to the hallway that led to your bedroom and Jay and Hailey's bedroom.

You scanned the selection of books and grabbed one that you thought might be slightly interesting and then sat down on the couch. You curled up into the blanket and began to read.

***

Jay woke up an hour later to grab a glass of water and furrowed his eyebrows when he saw a light on in the living room. He knew that it wasn't a robber or anything like that because he knew that they wouldn't turn on the lights in a house they were trying to rob. But, he was still shocked to see you sitting on the couch, reading, with a blanket lying across your legs.

"Short Stack?" Jay said quietly. You jumped. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Couldn't sleep?" You nodded your head. "Are feeling worse than earlier?" You shook your head again.

Jay sat down next to you and gently pulled the book from your hands and dog-eared the page you had ended on.

"What's going on, Y/N? Please tell me."

"You'll think it's stupid," you whispered.

"I promise you that I won't. Please. Not sleeping isn't good for you and I know that first hand having to be up all the time for my job. I don't want you going through the rest of your life half alive because of sleep deprivation. So just, please, talk to me."

"I can't sleep," you answered simply.

"I know that. Maybe you could tell me why you can't sleep and I can try and help?"

"You wouldn't understand," you muttered.

"Try me."

You sighed. He really wasn't going to give up. "It's too quiet."

Jay furrowed his eyebrows. "And that's why you can't sleep?"

"Yeah. I know I have a fan and all, but I was so used to hearing people talk and cars honking and everything when I was, you know..." you trailed off You hated saying when I was homeless because that just made it real.

"When you were living on the streets?" Jay asked.

"Yeah. And, I had to be alert all the time, so when it's quiet now, I hear everything...and I hate it. I hate it so much, Jay."

Jay nodded. "Believe it or not, I get it."

"How would you get it?"

Normally, Jay wouldn't appreciate your tone, but seeing as you weren't feeling good, were tired, and your anxiety was on high alert, he let it slide. He had enough practice with keeping his cool anyway that it came to him naturally.

"When I came home from Afghanistan," he began, "I couldn't sleep in silence either. I was so used to hearing people talking or uh..."

"Gunfire," you said.

"Yeah, uh, that. But I was so used to it that I couldn't sleep in silence. I did what you're doing now: used a fan."

"Did it work?" you asked.

Jay chuckled. "No. Not one bit. But, I started playing the tv in the background along with the fan and it worked."

"It did?"

"It did," he confirmed.

You sat in silence for a beat. "What did you watch?"

"Dumb stuff. Mainly Nick at Nite because I knew I wouldn't have to focus on those shows." He paused. "You wanna give it a try?"

"I don't have a tv in my room," you pointed out.

"Well, we can always move your nightstand and put it at the foot of your bed and put my laptop on it. What do you say?"

"I guess it's worth a try."

Jay smiled. "Okay. I'll grab my laptop and meet you in your room."

So, that night, Jay made sure Netflix was on auto-play while Friends played.

You finally got some sleep.

***

Two weeks later

Christmas was in a week and a half. There was a Christmas tree up in your living room and Hailey would always light Christmas-scented candles like pine or sugar cookie candles.

When Jay and Hailey were at work, you'd always cook dinner and clean the house. You figured since you couldn't pay rent or help with groceries or other living expenses that you could at least do this.

But, you still felt like a burden.

You wanted to be able to give Jay rent money and wanted to be able to give Jay, Hailey, and Will Christmas gifts (and give Will a little extra money because of all the money he probably pitched in to help Jay get you clothes and decor for your room and a phone).

You knew what you had to do.

You put on the tightest dress you had and the heels you still had from when Jay found you that morning, slipped on your coat, and then tip-toed out of the house.

Off to do what you never thought you'd do again.

But, it wasn't that bad; it was just sex; it didn't mean anything to you anymore.

***

Hailey poured herself a cup of coffee while Jay was still in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and getting dressed for work when she heard the door open. She whipped around. She had no idea who would be here at this time.

"Y/N, what were you--" But then she took in your appearance. Your eyes were red and puffy and she was certain there was a bruise forming on your right eye and there were small cuts littering your legs and a few on your face. In your hand, you held your glasses, which had one temple and one lens missing the other lens was cracked. "Jay! Call your brother! Now!"

You heard the sound of something being spit out and then a shirtless Jay ran into the kitchen, remnants of toothpaste still around his mouth. "What? Why?" His eyes widened when he saw you. "Y/N, oh my God!"

Then, he quickly called Will while still looking at you. Hailey grabbed you a blanket and wrapped it around you.

"Jay, grab a shirt so we can get to Med! Me and Y/N are gonna get in my car!" Hailey yelled.

Jay nodded and then turned around and sprinted off to his and Hailey's room to grab a shirt.

"Y/N, listen to me. We're going to Med to get you checked out. It's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay," Hailey reassured you.

It was as if your body was on autopilot. You followed her to her car, but you weren't really aware of it. But, you knew you needed to tell her.

"I- I'm bleeding."

"Okay, okay. Can you tell me where?"

You quickly shook your head.

Jay jumped into the passenger side, still on the phone with Will, but you were barely listening to their conversation.

"She said she's bleeding, tell him that," Hailey said while she sped off to Med, lights, and sirens on.

"She's bleeding," Jay repeated into the phone. There was a pause and then, "Where?"

"She didn't say," Hailey answered.

Jay turned his head to try and face you as much as was possible from the passenger seat. "Y/N, we need to know where the bleeding is coming from."

You shook your head again.

"It's okay. We just need to know. We won't make fun of you."

You shook your head again.

"It- It hurts," you whimpered.

"What hurts? Where does it hurt, Short Stack?"

"It hurts to- to sit down."

Jay swallowed and his voice cracked when he said, "Possible anal or vaginal trauma."

***

You went through all the pokes and prods and the rape kit. You didn't even flinch once. But, what scared you the most was when Jay, Will, and Hailey came into the room once everything was finished.

"What happened?" Will whispered with sadness lacing his voice and eyes.

"I can't- I can't tell you," you whispered.

"Why not?"

"Because it's my fault," you said a little louder while looking down at your hands.

"None of this is your fault. None of it, you hear me?"

"But it is!" you yelled, catching all three of them off guard. "I told them my boundaries and my price and they didn't care! I told them condoms! I told them no anal! They tied me up and broke my glasses and cut me with the glass and they hit me and- and--" You cut yourself off with a scream.

"Hailey, can you stay with Y/N?" Jay asked. "I need to go talk with Will." He turned his gaze to Will. "Will. Outside. Now."

Jay and Will left the room and Hailey pulled a chair next up next to the hospital bed you were currently lying in.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Hailey asked gently.

"No, you'll arrest me if I do."

Hailey sighed. "No, I won't. I promise I won't. I just want you to be able to talk about it and tell us what happened so that we can help you."

"But what I did was illegal."

"Okay, if you won't tell me what happened, then can you at least tell me why you did it?"

You closed your eyes, nodded, and then opened your eyes. "Can we wait until Jay and Will get back? I don't wanna have to explain it twice."

"Yeah, yeah, we can do that."

While you were having that conversation with Hailey, Jay and Will were across the hospital having their own conversation. And Will was not having it.

"What do you mean we can't press charges?" he yelled. "Do you not see her injuries?"

"I see them, Will. But, you heard what she said! She told them prices! If we went to any other cops besides my unit on this one, they'd charge her with solicitation!" Jay argued.

"Then go to your unit! Have them find the bastards that did this to her!"

"It's not that simple! We'd need to find the guys and she doesn't have names and she probably barely has a description. Where she was, there probably were no security cameras. And, not to mention, if this goes to trial, the jury probably won't believe her because she was essentially  prostituting herself!"

"Fucking hell," Will muttered. "So, what do we do."

"We do what we always do. Help her get through it."

***

Twelve Years Later

"And did they?" the eighteen-year-old girl asked as you sat next to her hospital bed. "Did they help you get through it?"

You nodded. "They most certainly did."

"Did you tell them why you did it?"

"I did," you answered.

"Were they mad?"

"Not at all. They made me feel better actually. They reassured me that I wasn't a burden and then a few months later I got a job and then decided to go back to school for social work. So, I know you've probably had other people say they get it, but I actually do. I'm not just saying that."

"Thank you," she said, "for telling me all that. A lot of people, when I was in the system, just treated me like another case." She paused. "Did they ever catch the men that did that to you?"

You sighed. "Unfortunately no."

"Then how do you know they'll find mine? That I won't go to jail? You said you'd help me!"

"I know, I know and I will. My brother, Jay,--the one who was a cop--is now the sergeant of his unit. And, when I bring these cases to him, he makes them a priority and he's never arrested the girls, only the pimps and johns," you answered calmly.

"You promise he won't arrest me?"

"I promise. Do you want me to call him so we can start pressing charges?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay." You grabbed one of your business cards and handed it to her. "My office number is on here and so is my personal cell phone number. Feel free to call me if you need to. And, I can recommend some good therapists to you later if you want me to."

"Thank you so much."

"You're welcome." You were almost out of the room when you remembered something. "Oh, and if you're still in the hospital and can't get ahold of me on either number, see that red-headed doctor over there?" She nodded. "That's my brother, Will. Just ask him to call me."

"I will. Thank you again."

You walked out of the room to see Will smirking at you. "You know, one day getting too close to your patients is going to bite you in the ass, right, kiddo?"

"One, they're called clients, not patients in my field. And two, I'm thirty years old! Stop calling me kiddo!"

"You're still younger than me. Therefore, you're still a kid." He looked at his watch. "Shit. Gotta go. Meetings never wait when you're chief of the ED!"

You waved your hand flippantly. "Yeah, yeah, get going. Make sure you keep me updated as much as you can on her case though."

"You know I always do."

He ran off to whatever meeting he had to go to while you went to find a secluded spot in the hospital.

Once you found a good spot, you pulled out your phone and dialed an all-too-familiar number.

"Halstead," he answered.

"For the love of God, I know you have caller ID, just answer it as Jay," you joked.

"I just like messing with you. What's up?"

"I've got another case for you."

"Christ, that's the second one this week."

"Well, this one got pimped out, too and by what she told me, it could be the same guy."

"Any mention of underage girls?"

"She didn't mention it, but this one's newly eighteen, so I'm assuming he or they or whoever it is, are running underage girls."

"Okay," Jay said. "This will actually be a full-on Intelligence case; not just one me, Hailey, Adam, Kim, and Kevin figure out and send patrol to pick them up." He paused. "Wanna be in the room when we talk to her?"

"Please. I told her my story and I think she trusts me."

"I told you that you couldn't let that define you. And look at you now, giving these girls hope."

"Yeah," you agreed, a smile spreading across your face. "Look at me now."

A/N: Thanks for reading and Sorry, this one took so long to get out to you! Please remember to reblog and comment! If you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I’ll add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88​

[tsukkiseasalt]

Eyes That Won’t Wonder

1

description: after the death of your former patient you are assigned to Mr. Wakatoshi, a quiet, handsome, older gentleman who quite frankly doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself or his dick in his pants.

warning this story will contain: smut, smut & more smut. specifically breeding, anal, dirty talk, friends fucking, camboy bokuto, himbo bokuto, &so much more!

“Is this what you wanted, to be bent over in a filthy public bathroom and used as a human cum disposal?” He grunted into your ear, voice thick and full with lust.

This isn't what you had at all expected when you had gotten assigned to him, and in all honesty you didn’t even think you’d like him; nonetheless, you agreed with him. “Y-yes sir.”

 “Who would have ever thought the sweet girl that I met not even five months would be so fucking eager to get fucked and filled in such a place like this?” His words caused your head to spin. An array of struggled moans slipped past his thick fingers which he had shoved between your puffy red pout and down your throat which had previously been occupied by his cock. 

“It’s ok though doll, I’ve wanted this too.” He groaned, snapping his hips forward. 

His free hand that was knotted into your hair yanked you up and forced you to look in the mirror in front of you. You didn't even recognize yourself like this, but this is what you wanted after all right.

↺

The morning sun that filtered through the curtains danced on your cheeks while you scrolled aimlessly on your phone. 

“Hey, hey, hey.!.” You heard as the door opened revealing your bubbly bright eyed roommate. A small smile graced your face as he laid down beside you wrapping a thick arm around you. 

“Hey.” You said putting your phone down looking down at him.

“You ready for today?” He asked rubbing circles on your thighs, fingertips rough on your skin.

You shrugged as you watched him, “I guess so, it's been kinda hard since Washijō passed.”

Bokuoto’s usual smile turned into a slight frown as you mentioned your old patient turned friend. “He’s not suffering anymore.” He said quietly, trying to comfort you. 

“ I know, I just miss the old geezer sometimes.” You mumble letting your fingers glide through his two-toned locks. “But the report says that the new guy, Ushi-something, is only in his late 50’s.”

Bokuto now wore a puzzled expression on his face. “That’s not exactly old.”

“I know, but hey at least he’s not on his deathbed.” You say knocking on your wooden nightstand.

He laughed at the gesture and rolled off you. “It’s almost 7, so you should probably start getting ready if you're gonna be there by 7:30.” 

“I know but the bed is so comfortable.” You whined stretching out over the entirety of the space.

“I bet it won't be so comfortable after your in it everyday when you get fired for missing your first day back in three weeks.” He sassed hands on his hips. 

“Shouldn’t you be getting fucked in the ass or something?” You questioned whipping your head around to look at him.

He gasped and threw a shirt that was on the floor at you. “I do the fucking thank you very much!” He exclaimed dramatically as he sauntered out of your room.

“Tell that lie to someone who’s going to believe you miss butt-plug.” You yelled rolling off the bed and onto the floor with a thump. “Ow.”

“I hate you!” He screamed. “I’m getting a new roommate!”

“ Good luck finding someone who will disinfect your toys while you're at the gym.” You retaliate, digging through your dresser to find your scrubs.

“You did that out of your own free will.” He said, popping his head into your door throwing something at you. Your scrubs.

“Thanks love.” You smile.

“Still hate you.” He says crossing his arms in your doorway. You amble over to him and get on your tiptoes planting a wet kiss on his cheek. “Still hate me now.”

“Y-yes, what the fuck was that supposed to do?” He asked, wiping his cheek.

“I dunno, worked in highschool.” You shrugged, pulling your shirt off revealing your chest along with the rest of your unclothed body. 

“Getting naked won't work either.”

“Why? Am I not sexy anymore?” You fake pouted, pulling your bra on along with your top.

“No, still very sexy, I've just developed an immunity for it.” He said matter of factly. 

“Hmmm.” You mumbled pulling up your pants. “Guess i'll just have to find a new way to get you to love me.” You mumbled purposely grazing his cock as you pushed past him to get to the bathroom. “But if I do say so myself, it doesn't feel like you’ve developed an immunity. Felt hard as a rock to me.” 

“Hey hey hey, don’t get me all worked up just to leave for work.” He mumbled, reaching a long arm out to pull you to him by your waist. You could feel his breath against your lips as his skilled fingers worked into your waistband and started to knead your ass like it was bread dough.

“No no, you hate me, remember.” You say reaching around grabbing his hand and forcing him to stop. 

“I was just kidding bro, please don’t do this. I haven’t gotten to touch you in forever please mamas.” He pleaded, emphasizing the last word, seeing as to how he knew it was your weakness. 

“Don’t you have a boyfriend.” You mumbled tilting your head back ever so slightly so he could plant light kisses in all the places he knew you liked them most. 

“Open relationship.” He mumbled into your skin. “And kaashi specifically said i can have you whenever i pleased.”

“Oh really.” You moaned as he sucked on the flesh just beneath your earlobe.

“Yep, he actually wanted you to shoot a scene with us.” He groaned, grinding his length into your stomach. 

“Fuck, Bo, I’m gonna be late.” You moaned as he rubbed around your tight pucker before pushing past the tight muscles.

“No you're not, I can do this while you get ready.” He whispered lowly in your ear. 

“Fuck, fine.” You moan, hands grabbing at his hair. He lifts you and takes you to the bathroom placing you down in front of the sink. You moan as he pulls your pants down immediately falling to his knees, tongue darting out to lap your hole. “Oh my fuck.” You whine, grabbing your toothbrush. You have to really focus and resist the urge to spread your cheeks so he could have better access to you in order to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush.

“Yum.” He groans and brings his hands to spread you out almost as though he had read your mind. You shove your hips back further into his face as you brush your teeth, struggling to keep your head up. 

“Fuck, I’ve been wanting to do that for so long.” He says getting up and grabbing the bottle of lube off the counter. He squirts some on his fingers and massages it into your hole and pulls his sweats down to lather the remainder of it onto his cock. You spit as he pushes into you. Slowly but surely he thrusts into you, hands harshly gripping your ass. 

“Fuck.” You whine, hands gripping the edge of this sink as you struggle to keep you composure.

“That’s what I'm doing.” He mumbles wickedly in your ear. You cry out as he begins hitting your g-spot repeatedly. 

“Gunna, c-cum.” You manage your head falling onto the countertop. He speeds up his thrust and you can feel him begin to twitch in you motioning that he’s now chasing his own release. 

“Fuckkkk!” You exclaim legs quivering as you squirt all onto your bottoms and the floor beneath you. 

“Shit.” He groans slamming into you one final time before he pulls out and finishes on your ass.

You both huff as you catch your breath. 

“Dammit now I gotta change, and I still havent done my makeup.” You sigh pulling your head off the cool porcelain. 

“Here.” He says handing you a moist towel. “You clean yourself up and I'll go get your other scrubs.” 

You nod to him kinda as a silent thank you and then he disappears to get your other uniform. You step out of your drenched bottoms and pull your top over your head tossing them in the basket in the corner. You gently wipe the remaining lube from your ass and your juices from your legs before tossing the towel in the basket as well.

“Here.” He says handing you an identical uniform to the one you just took off. You hurriedly slide them on and rush back to your room to get your phone.

“Have you seen my bag…” You trail off as you see him standing with it in hand beside the door. 

“Thanks.”You say, grabbing it. “And do the laundry.”

“You can't ask nicely?” He huffs causing you to roll your eyes.

“Do the fucking laudry or ill shove that so far down your fucking throat itll come out of that pretty plump little behind of yours.” You say sweetly pointing at that large purple dildo sitting on the couch.

“You think my ass is plump huh?” He smirks, leaning against the door.

“Laundry.” You say sternly.

“Fine.” He mumbles now rolling his eyes. He opens the door allowing you out. 

“Be safe.” He waves as you open your car door.

“Kk, don’t burn the house down.” You wave back. 

“No promises.” He says smiling innocently before slamming the door. 

Shaking your head you get in and set off in the direction that the GPS instructs. 

“Nice, made it in time and with time to spare.” You mumble to yourself sliding your watch onto your wrist. You pulled up to the gate, typed in the numbers that were scribbled at the bottom of the paper, and thankfully it opened without a struggle. You slowly drove up the long driveway admiring the array of greenery that was along the path. 

“Goodness.” You gawked once you caught sight of the house. It was huge. “Who the hell even is this guy?” You mumble parking in front. You pull out the paper and scan over it. There isn’t much beside the fact that he had back surgery two years back. That was odd, he was only 59, and only had one major issue. Usually the company wouldn't even send someone out unless that patient was in their late 60’s and had major health issues- Washijō for example, he was 83, had two bum knees as well as a new hip. Compared to him this new guy- Ushijima Wakatoshi- was a spring chicken in your eyes.

Shrugging you grabbed your bag and headed for the front door, again admiring the beauty of the home. You grab the knocker and give it two big hits and wait. Moments later you hear the lock on the other side turning. The door opens revealing a handsome man with golden eyes, olive hair and a tall build. 

“You must be Mr. Wakatoshi’s son, I hope I'm not pronouncing that incorrectly, I’m his new home health aid” You smile, eyes wandering down to his bare chest. He’s almost in as great shape as Bo & he’s probably twice his age. You think to yourself, eyes glancing at his biceps before making eye contact with him again. 

He lets out a sound that resembles a cough and you realize that's his laugh. “You pronounced it just fine, and no, I’m Mr. Wakatoshi.” If not for the words you would have been drooling at the low rasp that was his voice.

“What, what!” You shriek.

i was really hornknee when i came up with this concept. lets see where it gets me :)

[i-need-entertainment]

Haikyuu!! Boys getting stuck places and having to ask you for help

Characters: Akaashi, Washio, Konoha, Kita, Suna, Ushijima, Yahaba, Iwaizumi, Futakuchi, Daishou, Numai and Iizuna

**Today has been pretty bad, but my sister, @foodacoochie gave me this idea and it made me giggle and inspired🥺🥺 thanks dude💙**

Warnings: Drugs in Washio’s but they’re for a surgery and being used responsibly and for pain, just the boys getting stuck and not being able to get out of places/things lol

Akaashi Keiji:

Akaashi had been over at your house, you guys were ‘chilling’ and what not, just wasting the Saturday away.

Your family had recently done some renovations on your house, and one of those renovations was changing all of the door nobs.

Your mom had called you downstairs to come talk to your grandmother on the phone.

You knew that you’d be on the phone for a while, so you told Akaashi to do whatever until you got back. You had been gone for 5 minutes when Akaashi needed to use the bathroom.

Luckily, you had one connected to your room!

He walked in the door, shutting it behind him before he froze at the small ‘click’ he heard.

Whipping around he immediately tried the door nob, only to groan when he realized it was locked.

From the outside.

You see, you had insisted on putting the door nob on yourself, but when you did so, you had managed to put the lock on the wrong side of the door.

And when you showed him what you did, he could distinctly remember you locking the *then open* door.

So as soon as he shut it, it locked.

He sighed as he shook his head. He had also distinctly remembered you telling him it would be at the very least 30 minutes before your grandmother would let you go, so he was going to be here awhile.

He did his business then sat on the edge of the bathtub, sitting and waiting until you came back upstairs.

When you came back up to your bedroom, you were surprised to not see Akaashi sitting on your bed where you had left him. 

You softly called his name before hearing him sigh and a defeated sounding ‘in here’ from your bathroom.

You raised an eyebrow before trying the door nob, slapping a hand over your mouth when you realized you had locked the door.

Unable to hold in your giggles, you unlocked the door, almost snorting at the deadpan look your boyfriend gave you.

Washio Tatsuki: 

**he may seem out of character, but it’s because he just got his wisdom teeth out, and as someone who has recently had that done, I know that for some people their personalities do a 180 switch**

Washio had just had his wisdom teeth removed.

At first his mom was going to take him home, but she had to go into work, so you offered to take care of him and take him home from his surgery.

When they walked Washio out into the waiting room, you hurriedly walked over to him, because as soon as the nurses let him go, he started to go down. Giggling when you struggled to hold him up.

Now, keep in mind, Washio is a big guy. He’s 6′2 with a broad build and lots of muscle, so he’s not exactly light.

Seeing as he had just had a major surgery, he was very doped up on drugs, and seeing Washio drugged up was nothing short of hilarious.

He was very clingy and very giggly, laughing at anything he found remotely amusing. A night and day difference from his usually calm and stoic demeanor. 

After you somehow managed to get him in the car, you began to drive him back to his house.

You got to his house and pulled into the drive way.

Before you could help him out of the car, you had to make sure he had a clear path to the couch where he would be sitting.

You had left the keys in the ignition and the air conditioning on because it was a hot day, and let’s face it, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Walking back out to the car you went to open his door, only for the handle not to budge.

Your brows furrowed as you tried to open it, looking to the inside of the door only to see all of the doors locked.

...uh oh..

You knocked on the glass, gaining the attention of a very drowsy looking Washio who just lazily waved when he saw you.

You, who had no way to actually get to him, started frantically pointing to the unlock button, him looking at you like you had grown 3 heads.

He finally tried the door handle, only to find it didn’t open.

You could faintly make out the words ‘i’m stuck’, when he realized he was ‘stuck in the car’.

You watched as he grew more and more frustrated with the door not opening.

You were pointing to the unlock button, him then pressing every button except for the unlock button.

Thankfully, he pressed the window button, rolling it down so you could reach your hand in and unlock the door, finally being able to help him inside.

Konoha Akinori:

Not everyone knows this about your boyfriend, but he is very competitive.

He just so happens to have a younger sister, who is also very competitive.

On this particular day you had been over at his house, his sister had been in the living room with you guys when a movie about dancing or whatever came on.

Konoha jokingly scoffed when the ballerina did the splits, stating that “I could do that” while you rolled your eyes, but his sister laughed, “Yeah okay boomer.” 

Glaring Konoha turned towards his sister, who simply narrowed her eyes back at him, “What was that?” She stood her ground, you nervously watching from the sidelines.

“Boomer, and I stand by it. You have the flexibility of an 80 year old man.” He narrowed his eyes at her before he laughed, standing up and walking to the middle of the floor.

Without any warning he, albeit slowly, fell into the splits, cringing when he got like 5 inches away, entire body shaking.

“s-see?” His sister was laughing as he stayed there, high pitched sounds of pain escaping him.

He, finding himself unable to stand or move for that matter, continued to suffer, heavily contemplating every decision he had ever made.

“y/N, hELp”

Kita Shinsuke:

Kita was very responsible, so you never had to worry about him getting himself into silly situations he couldn’t get himself out of.

But, everyone has their moments.

You and Kita were spending the day with his grandmother!

You guys had gone through old photo books, and made some desserts, now she wanted to teach you and Kita how to finger knit!

It seemed easy enough, and in no time you had gotten the hang of it and were on your way.

Kita however, was having a little more trouble.

He had gotten how to wrap it around his fingers and how to pull it but...

Somewhere along with way, he messed up.

And he messed up bad.

He didn’t really know how it happened, but before he was aware of it his fingers were caught in a tangled web of yarn, somehow he managed to knot both of his hands together, eye brows furrowed as he looked down to his hands.

You held in your laughter when you saw him, hopelessly caught in strings, as he tried to figure out how to get out of them.

It took 20 minutes and both you and granny to release him from his self-made prison.

He stuck to a different activity after that.

Suna Rintaro:

You had a big project coming up, but your boyfriend did not, and wanted to hang out with you.

You, who also wanted to hang out with him, let him as long as he let you work.

He promised he would cause no such distraction and be like a fly on the wall.

That doesn’t mean you believed him, but it was nice he made an effort.

Anyway, after just under an hour he got bored just scrolling through instagram.

So, he got up from his position on your bed and sauntered over to your vanity where he sat.

You didn’t pay him much mind, he was 16 so it’s not like you had to babysit him.

Er- you shouldn’t have to babysit him.

Fiddling around with the things on your desk, he stumbled across the small dish you kept your rings in.

There was one ring in particular that really stuck out to him.

It had a silver band and a dark blue gem, it was really pretty. He remembered you saying you didn’t wear it often, but he couldn’t remember why so he just shrugged and slipped it on his left middle finger.

He had been holding his hand up, looking at it, cause it really was a pretty ring.

All was fine, all was nice, until he tried to remove the ring. Then, some problems were presented.

The most prevalent of those problems being the ring was stuck, like really stuck.

And the second being he remembered why you didn’t wear the ring a lot, it was a size too small, for you.

So it was much too small for him.

Claiming defeat he called your name, defeatedly holding up his hand, and cringing as you called his name.

Ushijima Wakatoshi:

The team had finished practice and were fooling around in the locker room, making stupid bets and doing stupid things

Underestimating just how competitive (and curious) their captain was, Tendo and Yamagata bet 25 dollars Ushijima couldn’t get into a locker, Kawanishi and Shirabu each bet 35 dollars saying he could, and Reon bet 45 saying he would get stuck.

Being genuinely curious what would happen, and being heavily encouraged by his teammates, Semi found an empty locker, rigging it open before ushering the ace in.

It was quite small, and not a comfortable experience at all, but he was also never one to turn down a challenge.

So after some major manipulation and hitting his head, he got fully into the locker.

Tendo and Yamagata forked over their 25 dollars, imploring Reon to do the same before Reon shook his head.

“Let’s see if he can get out before I pay my money.”

All eyes were back on the ace, whose eye brows were furrowed in...concern.

He was stuck.

Bad.

Not wanting to face the wrath of the demon coach, they called the next best candidate to deal with this kind of situation, Ushijima’s girlfriend, you.

Your jaw dropped when Semi told you that your boyfriend was stuck in a locker because...hOw?!?!

Reon made a lot of money that day~

Yahaba Shigeru:

He had been over at your house and the two of you were taking a nap in your bed.

You had both since woken up, and were now on your phones.

You, still very sleepy, weren’t paying attention and before you or Yahaba could stop it your phone had slipped down the crack between your bed and the wall.

You groaned as you dragged your hand down your face, Yahaba, being the wonderful boyfriend he is, offered to get it for you.

He laid on his side as you used his phone to shine the flashlight down the side of your bed.

He stuck his arm down, but it was just barely too short.

Without realizing it he had slipped to the very small edge of the bed, inevitably slipping off only to be caught between the wall and your bed.

He groaned as he felt like he had been stuck to a wooden plank, unable to move any parts of his body.

You felt terrible, seeing as he had offered to get your phone for you and had proceeded to get himself stuck.

You grabbed his arm and shifted yourself to the opposite side of your bed, and after lots of tugging and sounds of pain from your boyfriend, you were able to roll him back onto the bed.

You rolled your eyes with a smile as he waved your phone in the air, a dorky smile on his lips as he had, despite being put in a very uncomfortable situation, managed to get your phone.

Iwaizumi Hajime:

Hanamaki had bought this bag of ‘tricks’ from the dollar store, for fun and what not.

One of the things that had been in there was a Chinese finger trap.

He brought a few of the things into his bag, hoping to trick at least one of the members.

But most of all he wanted to trick Iwaizumi, if nothing else he thought it would be funny.

So, when the Seijoh 3rd years met for lunch in the club room, and you, Iwiazumi’s girlfriend had of course joined them, he decided then was the perfect time to try.

“Yo, Iwaizumi! C’mere!” Iwaizumi, recognizing the teasing tone in Hanamaki’s voice, was instantly on guard, expecting something crazy to be suggested.

“What?” Hanamaki smiled, pulling the finger trap out of his bag, Iwaizumi looked at it, raising an eyebrow at the wing spiker.

“I heard no one has ever been able to put two fingers in this at the same time without getting trapped.” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, grabbing the trap from Hanamaki and mindlessly stuck on finger in each end of the trap.

Just a few seconds prior, you had looked over Hanamaki’s shoulder, recognizing the trap, but before you could warn your dear boyfriend, he had already stuck his fingers in the trap, and pulled it, tight.

“Hajime...do you know what that is?” He shook his head, eyebrows furrowing when he tried to pull his fingers out, only to have the trap get tighter. 

“Hajime, it’s a Chinese finger trap!!” Iwaizumi’s eyes widened before he turned his head to glare at Hanamaki, curses ready on his tongue as Hanamaki and Matsukawa just about died of laughter, Kunimi snickering in the background.

It took 4 people and approximately 7 minutes to free him from the trap.

Futakuchi Kenji: **in tribute to my dear sister who locked herself out of her bathroom today🥰**

You and Futakuchi had gone to the beach with your family for the weekend, and the two of you were relaxing on the beach.

The beach had these lounge chairs, the ones that fold?

Well, you and Futakuchi were getting everything set up, he had just finished setting up the umbrella and you had laid out a large towel and set the bags down.

You guys both sat down and enjoyed the warm sun, and relaxed to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.

About an hour later, Futakuchi decided he wanted a drink, and after asking what you wanted he left on his way.

Unknown to him, these chairs were really tricky.

They were good chairs and really comfortable, but you had to be careful how you sat in them.

After about 10 minutes he returned with the drinks, setting them down on the small cooler.

He went to sit on the lounge chair, expect that he more like flopped onto it, and before he could react the thing had snapped in two, you sitting up after hearing your boyfriend yelp.

You turned your head to see your boyfriend, squished in half by the lounge chair, with no signs of being freed.

After recruiting the help of your dad and a few kind passerby's, you were eventually able to free him of the lounge chair...

but that was after you took a picture and sent it to Aone.

Daishou Suguru:

You and Daishou had been on a date, nothing too fancy, just strolling around the city and what not.

You were just talking about random things when your eye spotted an empty park nearby.

You smirked as you nodded towards it, dragging your boyfriend towards it, you knew he couldn’t resist you if he tried.

You two were just fooling around, him chasing you around and you evading him like you both were 5 and it was ‘boys vs girls’ tag.

You had ran away from him when you spotted the set of toddler swings, y’know, those ones with the leg holes?

Yeah, those ones~

Anyway, you decided not to get in one because ✨danger✨

But your boyfriend took that as a challenge.

Without warning he grabbed the chains and jumped, sliding his legs through the very small holes and sinking into the seat.

You slapped his arm as you laughed, hand on your hip as you judgmentally looked at him.

“You’re gonna get stuck, there’s no way you’re getting out of that by yourself.”

He rolled his eyes, smirk still present on his face as he started to slowly swing back and forth.

You shook your head, shifting your weight to one leg as your arms crossed in front of your chest.

“Okay then, now try to get out.”

He rolled his eyes at your tone, grabbing the chains as he tried to pull himself up.

Only to bring the seat with him.

Your eyes widened as it set in, his smirk disappearing and his own eyes widening when he realized it as well.

He was stuck.

And at that moment, some of the Nekoma boys volleyball team members just happened to be passing by.

Kuroo’s laugh rang throughout the park as you desperately tried to free your boyfriend.

Numai Kazuma:

You and Numai were hanging out at your house, it was Halloween night and you guys were just gonna chill out and watch some movies and eat candy.

But before that, you guys were going to take your younger brother out trick or treating!

Your little brother decided he wanted to be a cowboy, and his outfit came with a pair of plastic handcuffs.

You were helping your little brother get his costume on while Numai messed around with the handcuffs.

He had latched one side onto the table leg, mindlessly scrolling through his phone as he fiddled with the cuffs.

He doesn’t know what came over him, but without thinking he latched the empty side of the handcuffs onto his wrist, tightly onto his wrist.

He didn’t think much of it, until it sunk in.

Had he really just done that??

You were fixing your brother’s costume when you heard your boyfriend call your name.

“Uh, Y/n?” You hummed, continuing to work on his costume.

“Where’s the key to the handcuffs?” 

“Oh, they got thrown away with the package, that’s why I set them..over...there..Kazuma.”

You turned around to see him nervously smiling while his hand was indeed handcuffed to the coffee table.

You blanched as you remembered the trash had already been taken out, so they key was gone.

Glaring at your boyfriend you sighed, shaking your head before you started to laugh, hiding your mouth as you continued to laugh at his misfortune.

Eventually you did help him.

It took 3 tries and 4 different tools, but with the help of your dad you were able to get his wrist free of the handcuffs.

Iizuna Tsukasa:

Iizuna has 2 sisters.

1 older sister, and 1 younger sister (ayyyee middle children let’s go-)

You just so happened to be very good friends with your boyfriends sisters, and you guys often had a lot of fun together~

One of the wats you guys had fun was messing with your boyfriend.

Todays scheme: Dress Tsukasa up as a girl. Simply because you could.

And seeing as he lost a bet to you the other day, he couldn’t refuse it.

Luckily, his older sister had a dress she accidentally ordered in a size too big, it would still be snug on him, but it would do the job.

His older sister did his make up, you worked on his outfit as the youngest fixed his hair, him sitting through the whole ordeal trying not to take away too much trauma from it.

Leaving the room so he could change, you all patiently waited as he got changed into the dress, laughing at the pained noises he made as he slipped on the dress and shoes.

You couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of you as your boyfriend stumbled out of the room, heels way too small and dress uncomfortably tight.

You all snapped the pictures you needed and he sacrificed what was left of his dignity.

Waving off you three, he hobbled back into his room, kicking off the heels and attempting to pull the dress over his head.

I say attempting because as he tried to move his arms to grab it he made a very disturbing realization.

He couldn’t grab the hem of the dress...

he couldn’t even reach behind him.

He was stuck.

And the only ‘help’ he had was his sisters and his girlfriend. 

[parkerslatte]

Years Passed [Chapter Three]

Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Part Summary: After Spencer asks Y/N our for coffee, the two share about their unlucky love lives.

Warnings: mentions of death, mentions of maeve, mentions of surgery

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***

CHAPTER THREE: CASE CLOSED

In the days following since Spencer showed up at Y/N’s apartment, she had been quite lonely. Harper’s school had started back up so she was gone the majority of the day leaving the house in silence. The constant giggles of her daughter were absent for six of the twenty four hours. Of course, Y/N took this as an opportunity to finish a commission she had been working on these last few weeks. The smell of paint was evident in the air causing Y/N to open all the windows around her. Y/N enjoyed painting very much but she missed the smaller version of her by her side, questioning everything she did and copying it to her best ability. 

The slip of paper that Spencer’s phone number was written on was sitting not too far away from Y/N and she would find herself occasionally glancing over to it. She did want to call Spencer but she didn’t want to seem too eager, and besides, he was working a case, there was no way he had the time for her. 

Seeing Spencer again wasn’t exactly on Y/N’s bucket list. Ever since she moved back six months ago, she hadn’t run into him once and he never even crossed her mind. However, once she saw him just days ago, she thought about him at least once a day. None of the thoughts were exactly bad, she just wondered if he had a family. If he was still interested in the same thing he was thirteen years ago. If he was the same Spencer she loved thirteen years ago. Shaking her head clear of any thoughts of Spencer, Y/N continued to paint the canvas that stood in front of her while softly singing along to the music that drowned out the silence. 

Y/N had only been painting for what she guess was another fifteen minutes before her phone started to ring from across the room. Groaning, as she had just gotten into a rhythm of painting, she walked over and looked at the caller ID. The number didn’t have a name but she recognised it - it was Spencer’s number. 

“Hello?” Y/N answered. 

“Hi, Y/N. It’s Spencer.” 

“Spencer, hi. What’s up?” 

“I was just calling because we caught the guy who abducted Ava.” Spencer said. 

“That’s good. Is she okay?” Y/N questioned quickly.

Spencer paused, “She’s alive, she’s in hospital currently. If we didn’t get to her in time there was a chance that she wouldn’t make it.” 

“But she is alive.” Y/N clarified.

“Yes, and the doctors say that she will make a recovery.”

“Thank god.” Y/N said, placing her hand over her heart. 

“You okay?” Spencer questioned.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just glad that Ava is okay.” Y/N replied. 

“We all are.” Spencer responded. 

The two fell into a long silence, normally if this happened someone would hang up however neither of them did. Y/N wanted to say something but she didn’t know what to say. She did want to continue speaking to Spencer but she didn’t exactly know how to approach the topic. Luckily she didn’t have to say anything. 

“Do you want to go and get coffee, um, with me?” Spencer asked.

“Um, sure, when?” Y/N asked, suddenly feeling a weight lift off her chest.

“Now? Only if you’re not doing anything, if you are we could always reschedule and have coffee another time.” Spencer rambled.

Y/N couldn’t help but let a small smile appear on her face, “Coffee sounds great Spencer, text me where.”

“Okay, okay, I will, I’ll see you soon Y/N.” Spencer replied, suddenly sounding perkier.

“See you soon.” Y/N responded before hanging up 

***

As Y/N stepped through the doors to the cafe, she immediately looked around for Spencer. She found him sitting at the back corner of the cafe. As their eyes met, a wide smile spread across Spencer’s face as Y/N began to walk over. When she was finally standing at the table Spencer’s gaze didn’t move from Y/N for a second. 

“Hi.” Y/N greeted with a smile. 

“Hi.” Spencer responded, his smile that Y/N could recognise anywhere still evident on his face. 

Y/N sat in the seat across from Spencer and got comfortable. Once she looked down she noticed that there were two cups of coffee on the table.

“I don’t know if you still like your coffee like that but if you don’t I can always get you another cup.” Spencer said nervously.

Y/N smiled, touched at the simple action, “You still remember my order?”

Spencer felt his face heat up slightly, “Yeah, I do.”

Y/N smiled at him, causing Spencer to clear his throat, “So how have you been?” He asked, changing the subject.

“I’ve been good,” Y/N responded, “I’ve been settling in since I moved back here six months ago from England. Normally I would settle in quicker but Harper took a little longer to adjust.” 

“Why did you move back?” Spencer asked curiously.

“I loved living in England but being away from my family and friends was always hard and I couldn’t exactly afford to keep coming back and I couldn’t keep taking Harper out of school to have a small holiday to visit her family. I wanted her to get to know them in person not just through a screen,” Y/N explained, “Harper has loved being around her family since we moved.”

“She seems great,” Spencer said, “Harper that is.”

Y/N smiled at the thought of her daughter, “She is. Harper is the greatest thing to ever happen to me, I don’t know what I would do without her.”

“How old is she?” Spencer asked, genuinely interested.

“Seven, she’s eight in a couple weeks,” Y/N said, “I can’t help but feel a little sad about it. Like I know she’s going to grow up but these years seem to have flown by. I feel like it was only a week ago she learnt how to walk, now she’s practically running everywhere,” Y/N was lost in thought for a quick moment before she snapped herself out of it, “Anyway, that’s enough about me for now, how’s the FBI been treating you?”

“It’s been treating me fine.” Spencer said, the grin on his face faltering.

Y/N narrowed her eyes momentarily, “Are you sure? I may not be a profiler Spencer but I can tell that you’ve been through a lot,” Y/N said as Spencer made eye contact, “You wanna know how I know that?” Spencer nodded slightly, “It’s your eyes, they used to be so innocent, now they’re filled with sadness.”

Spencer cleared his throat, breaking eye contact, “I, um, I’ve seen a lot and I’ve been through a lot.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through,” Y/N said sympathetically, “Thirteen years working for the FBI. I can’t even wrap my head around how long it’s been.”

“Me neither,” Spencer agreed, “You have a sadness in your eyes too.”

“Excuse me?” Y/N questioned.

“You have sadness in your eyes too,” Spencer repeated, “The only time it disappeared was when you were talking about Harper.”

Before Y/N could stop herself, she nodded her head, confirming Spencer’s comment, “I do. For the last eight years everyone has commented on it - around this time of year too.”

Spencer could tell that Y/N was abou to tell him why she felt the way she did but he was quick to interrupt her, “You don’t need to tell me Y/N.”

“No, it’s fine, seriously, practically everyone knows,” Y/N said before taking a deep breath, “My husband and Harper’s father, Owen, well he was in an accident and had to have surgery. We were told that there was a seventy-five percent chance the surgery would be successful. It was successful for the most part, he was like himself, always around Harper, playing with her.” 

Y/N found herself smiling at the memory of Harper playing with her father, “However, after a couple of weeks, he began to find himself getting more tired than usual. He just thought that it was the stress of work but he began to get worse to the point that he couldn’t get out of bed without him being in constant pain.” Y/N stopped her story for a moment, she never had a problem explaining this story before, but being the time of year it was, she was having a hard time.

“He was on so much medication just so he could actually walk around. Both of us knew that he didn’t have long left. I never wanted to make peace with that, I kept denying the inevitable saying that he was going to get better and we would be the happy family I always wanted. Deep down I knew that would never happen but I couldn’t help but lie to myself,” Y/N took a deep breath, by now her eyes were glossy with tears. 

“The one thing Owen wanted was to make it to Harper’s first birthday,” Y/N said, “He died four days before.”

“I’m sorry Y/N.” Spencer said sincerely, he contemplated reaching across the table to take her hand and give her a bit of comfort but thought better of it. 

“It’s okay,” Y/N said, “Normally when I tell people about Owen, I don’t normally get this upset about it, at least I don’t anymore. But since it’s coming up to the anniversary of his death, I guess I just can’t help myself from feeling this way. Sorry for dumping all of that on you, I don’t know why I did it.”

“Y/N, it’s fine, seriously.” Spencer said. 

Y/N gave Spencer a tight lipped smile, “So what about you Spencer Reid, do you have a family?”

Spencer shook his head, “If you mean an actual family as in a wife and kids, I don’t.”

“Why’s that? Do you ever want a family?” Y/N asked.

Spencer nodded, “I’d like nothing more in the world,” He said, “You don’t mind if I talk about something personal do you?”

“I mean I just did so I’m sure it’s perfectly reasonable for you to share too.” Y/N said.

Spencer cleared his throat before speaking, “Well a few years ago I had a girlfriend, Maeve. She was being stalked so we only communicated through phone calls,” Spencer began to explain, “We never saw each other but I fell in love with her. The only time I saw her was when she was killed in front of me by her stalker,” Spencer paused, “I thought that when we could eventually see each other then we could start a family, get married, have kids. Of course that could never happen but I could only think of what would’ve been.”

“I’m sorry Spence,” Y/N said, unconsciously reaching across the table and gently placed her hand on top of his. Neither Y/N nor Spencer thought any different of it and Spencer squeezed her hand as a silent thank you. 

“I haven’t really felt a connection to anyone after Maeve, not enough to fall in love with.” Spencer said.

Y/N nodded in agreement, “Ever since Owen died, I haven’t really had a long term relationship, none of them lasted more than a few months at most. Some of them just thought of it as a fling, some of them couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a parent and some of them were scared off by the thought of me being a mother.”

“You’ll find the right person eventually.” Spencer said.

“And you will too Spencer, and you’ll get to start your family.” Y/N said, offering a small smile to which Spencer returned with one of his own.

Looking down at her phone, Y/N’s eyes widened slightly, “Is that the time? I’ve got to go now, I need to pick Harper up from school.”

“Of course.” Spencer said, removing his hand from Isla’s after he had noticed that they were still connected. 

Y/N stood up, slinging her bag over her shoulder before turning back to Spencer, “This was fun, we should do it again soon but I’m buying the coffee next time.”

Spencer let out a quiet chuckle, “That’s only if you’re here before me.”

“Oh I will be,” Y/N said, “I’ll see you soon Spence.”

Y/N gave him a parting smile before turning and walking out the cafe to go and pick up her daughter.

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(Will be added in reblog)