#chronic pain with katie

[ekowolf]

TW: Suicide (song)

how much can your skin crawl before you want to rip it all from your bones?

Strong for Someone Else Pt.2. (TW: SA)

Her standing here broken was his victory lap.

She let her eyes glance downward. Oh Rao

Her body was a sea of red. Her white button down in tatters, filet open.

Her blue bra.

Exposed.

Her legs barely covered by the remnants of her skirt.

Exposed.

The matching blue underwear that should have been there but now nowhere to be seen.

Exposed.

Exposed.

Exposed.

Salvation was right in front of her.

She hoped.

She knew she didn’t deserve it but—she hoped.

Her mind cycling through images like flickering reel of film. The pain. The searing pain. The hands. The smell potent to her nostrils. The water overwhelming her lungs. The gravely voice in her ear. The hands. The cold metal shackling her legs, her wrists.

The hands.

She knew she was spiraling. She knew the darkness was consuming what little was left of her. Her strength giving its last gasp before her reserves were depleted.

Her body couldn’t even find another ounce of energy to pull her hand back the few tiny inches to knock.

Too far. Too much.

She did the only thing she could do, she called out to her best friend and hoped her superhearing could pick up the sound over the game night frivolity.

The voice that came out of her she didn’t recognize, much like the rest of her; it was breathy and raw, her chest screaming with the effort to expel it.

Almost there.

“K-kara…” Lena felt her vignetting vision pulse and close in on her further like the shutter of a camera.

How much time passed since she said her best friends name? Seconds? Minutes? Her mind was unlatching from reality. Was she even at Kara’s door? Maybe she was still…there…back there?

She felt herself falling forward, the door disappeared as if it was never really there at all. Or maybe it was her that wasn’t really there?

Falling. She was falling.

She waited for the ground to claim her, to eat what puny remains was left of her—it isn’t much.

But the ground never came. Instead she felt strong, warm arms catch her so delicately it could have been a cloud that kept her from the ground and she wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

In a way it was as similar to a cloud you could get—her friend who touched the sky and danced with skyscrapers.

She scraped the bottom of her reserves and used the last drop of energy to open her eyes.

She just wanted to see her.

One more time.

One last time?

Blue eyes like the sky on a clear summer day right before the sun went down, twinkling its few sacred stars so they could be seen through the atmosphere. It was a gift to see both night and day at once. That was Kara.

She could see Kara’s mouth moving but there was no sound. It was as if her ears couldn’t hear anything past the thumping of her own heart. She watched as the blonde turned her head like Kara was saying something behind her. Yelling maybe?

Oh, she wished she could hear her beautiful voice, even then.

She dug so deep to bring her hand up to the warm cheek under those soul piercing eyes that seemed different in the moment. Trying to calm them but like a storm rolling through those eyes looked for release.

She rubbed her thumb gently underneath, catching a tear before it traveled too far down Kara’s soft cheeks.

“D-don’t cr-…cry”, Lena whispered as her lips stuck together with the stickiness of blood like glue curing on a canvas.

But her eyes are too heavy, her body finally giving in, the darkness being just another thing to claim her tonight.

[hecckyeah]

apparently my body's motto is "if everything hurts, then nothing hurts" and that's not exactly something I expected from adulthood

[onlyangel4]

pushed too hard. mv1. SMAU + written.

max verstappen x chronically ill! reader

in which max's girlfriend has a very valid reason for not attending the races but the public doesn't know. and when the hate gets too much she pushes herself too hard.

author's note: so i have written this completely from experience, so the reader has elhers danlos syndrome (which i also have) but if you suffer from a different chronic illness please do imagine it as that.

warnings: chronic illness. hate. hospitalisation. injury.

face claim: katie douglas

y/ninsta posted a story tagging maxverstappen

written: y/sister managed to get a picture of me as soon as i woke up to find out that max won the bahrain gp with a twenty second lead. i am such a proud girlfriend rn.

maxverstappen replied to your story: good you are awake i'll facetime you rn. i miss you and the cats.

user1 replied to your story: if you really were a good girlfriend you would have been there supporting him

maxfan: you are such a bad wag you didn't even stay up to watch the race.

you had woken up on a high. you had turned your phone on to see all the messages informing you of your boyfriend's impressive win and you had even managed to facetime max before he went to bed. it felt like a good day. but then you made the mistake of opening social media. people on twitter were doing what people on twitter do best, talk shit. your eyes scanned over the screen as for the millionth time people picked apart your relationship and called you every name under the sun. they saw you as a villain that just did not support her boyfriend and that could not be further from the truth.

if you could attend every race you would but that just was not plausible. you suffered from elhers danlos syndrome and on top of that you had chronic fatigue. the elhers danlos effected your joints making every day painful to some degree. yes there were good and bad days but there were never pain free days. both of your knees had been operated on and you were awaiting surgery on your ankle due to frequent dislocations. the simple description of elhers danlos is that you had fault collagen, this collagen is what makes your connective tissue so your connective tissue was faulty and therefore your joints had a habit of dislocating and causing you a hell of a lot of pain. it was a domino effect the constant pain that you were in made you incredibly tired and that is where the chronic fatigue came in. max often called you his sleepy girl because you needed at least one nap per day to function properly.

you knew the problems you were having with max's fans could be solved by you telling them what you suffered with medically but they did not deserve an explanation from you. you should be allowed to live your life how you want to without thousands of strangers telling you that you were doing it wrong or that you were a bad girlfriend. you wanted to keep your medical issues private and max completely understood and supported your decision to do so. so instead you had to deal with all the hate. you just had to remind yourself that these people did not know the real you and if they did they, hopefully, would not treat you like this.

y/sister posted a story tagging y/ninsta

written: y/n finally left the house for the first time in five days and it was just for a snack run.

maxverstappen replied: is she having a bad week, she only eats reese's when she is a lot of pain

y/sister: i didn't tell you this but she is not doing well at all, she slept all of yesterday and then today the internet hates her because she wasn't at the race.

as the saudi arabian gp came and went max was busy with stragety meetings and such this meant that instead of coming home for a few days like he had previously planned he stayed out there and was going to go straight from there to australia and at this point you were really missing your boyfriend. the hate had not subsided either. it was just a very difficult time for you. one night where you had just been scrolling through twitter reading through the cruel things that people had been saying about you, you hit your limit. there was no way that you could deal with this for the rest of the season. so insteadyou decided to do something about it.

the morning you needed to fly to australia was when you realised that this was a bad idea. you had woken up in enough pain to down a horse, joints aching and head spinning. but danny had pulled strings for you. he had arranged everything just so that you could surprise your boyfriend and there was no way you were going to cancel when the plan was already in motion. so instead you just grinned and bared it. the flight was okay, luckily daniel had booked you a first class seat.. but sleep was hard to come by due to your body not being used to sleeping while being in flight. you were already tired when you landed in australia. due to the lack of notice the only flight daniel could arrange got in late on the saturday night. so you had booked a hotel next to the airport and arranged for a car to pick you up in the morning.

it had been so fucking hot in your hotel room and that meant that sleep was incredibly difficult to find. you tossed and turned all night only getting five hours of low quality sleep. in the morning you had pulled on a comfortable outfit and made your way out to the car that daniel had arranged for you.

y/ninsta posted a story

written: fit check

f1wags

liked by user30, user31, user32 and 89,172 others

f1wags: y/n y/ln has arrived to her first ever grand prix. y/n has been dating max verstappen for 18 months and had never been to a race before. but today that changes. she is not dressed in usual wag attire instead in an oversized shirt and bike shorts with a red bull cap. she may not be dressed like the others but we are happy to see her in the paddock

view all 628 comments

user30: we wait for her to show up and she comes wearing that. what an awful wag

user31: go on girl. give us nothing.

user32: i'm actually so happy she is here. i love y/n and have never understood the hate i think she is the cutest

the red bull garage was incredibly easy to spot. your eyes found danny loitering outside having a meaningless conversation with your boyfriend, "i got you a present mate. as it is my home gp i decided to spoil you", danny spoke and max raised an eyebrow.

"whatever it is i am sure that i don't want it", max responded

"i wouldn't be so sure", you cut in and max turned around instantly at the sound of your voice a wide smile gracing his features.

"oh my god, y/n", he spoke as his arms engulfed you in a tight hug. "what are you doing here love?"

"i wanted to surprise you"

"well consider me surprised"

you laughed softly as you followed your boyfriend into the red bull garage he gave you a tour of the garage and you followed him clinging onto his arm. he was used to having to hold you up so leaning on him did relieve your aching joints. max knew all about your medical issues he had helped you with them for over a year. he knew that coming to australia was pushing your body past its limits so every so often he made sure to check in on you. make sure that you sat for a little bit before interacting with the rest of the team. however when he left to go and race there was no longer anyone in the garage that knew about your medical issues. and this is what led to you being stood all of the race. stragestists and other people who you gathered were important to the team took the seats, while you stood towards the back of the garage.

it was around lap twenty when your left ankle began to properly hurt and your eyes felt heavy. a clear indicator of fatigue and your body telling you that you needed to rest. but your boyfriend was racing so well and you wanted to be able to watch him. the race continued for a few more laps however just as max started the thirty first lap your ankle gave way, dislocating from the strain of you being stood on it when it was already under pressure. you crumpled onto the floor a yelp leaving your lips as you fell but you were unable to put your hands out to soften your fall so you ended up hitting your head on the hard ground. this was enough to knock you out. first aiders ran over and called the ambulance into the paddock but you next regained consciousness inside the ambulance, on the way to hospital. alone.

f1updates

liked by user35, user36, user37 and 54,092 others

f1updates: as the drivers go into the 4oth lap of the australian gp an ambulance was spotted leaving the paddock with full lights. sources say the ambulance was parked outside of the red bull garage, but no one knows who was inside of it when it left the paddock

view all 554 comments

user35: the stress finally got to horner

user36: shit i hope whoever it is is okay

user37: the red bull garage do look rather stressed

"well done max you have just won the australian grand prix", christian had called over the radio. he felt guilt twinge at him. his girlfriend had been rushed to the hospital thirty laps ago but christian had made the decision to not tell max until the end of the race. he knew that the dutch driver was going to be mad when he heard the news. christian decided he needed someone else to tell max what had happened. "daniel can you come find me as soon as you are out of the car", he had intercepted the racing bulls radio just to give daniel the message, christian knew it would be better to have bad news coming from him rather than himself.

"thirty fucking laps ago", max spoke pacing back and forth in front of one of his closest friends. "you are trying to tell me my girlfriend had an ambulance called on her thirty laps ago and no one told me. she is in a foreign hospital. alone and probably scared shitless", max ranted to danny.

"i know man, christian just asked me to tell you. we can go to the hospital after the podium ceremony"

"oh fuck that i'm going now"

"you aren't driving", daniel knew better than to argue with max in that moment. yes christian would be pissed to find out that max was skipping the podium ceremony but daniel was not going to stop him from leaving. instead the two man snuck out the back of the paddock and to danny's car. the two racecar drivers got to the hospital in record speed with max running up to the front desk asking the nurse where he could find you. he was ushered through the hospital to a ward.

you were sat in a private ward you ankle elevated, an ice pack on your head and fluid iv in your arm. "max. you won.", you spoke softly. you had the television on and the grand prix on, you had just watched footage of a frantic christian looking for the driver that was now in your room.

"that does no matter my love, what happened?"

"i just pushed myself too far max. i forced myself to stand the whole time and my ankle dislocated, the doctors want to operate on it soon. and when i fell i gave myself a nasty concussion", you explained and the look on max's face could only be described as broken.

"oh my love", he spoke softly pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"i just didn't want the fans to think i was a bad girlfriend. that you deserve more than me", you spoke quietly, "they all hate me because i can't go to races", you spoke tears forming in your eyes but max's thumb quickly wiped them away.

"they don't hate you. they just don't know you honey."

"we should put out a statement, tell them what has been going on with me"

"you just read my mind my love"

maxverstappen posted a story tagging y/ninsta

y/ninsta

liked by maxverstappen, landonorris, daniel ricciardo and 830,121 others

tagged maxverstappen

y/ninsta: a long awaited health update. after a week in hospital i am now finally back home from australia. i am expected to have surgery on my ankle in the next couple of weeks. and i am on a strict diet of hourly lollipops because my blood sugar was low. i just wanted to say a massive thank you to max who literally ditched his own podium ceremony (sorry christian) to be with me. i am so incredibly lucky to have you and i love you with all of my heart, even if i am pissing you off while i'm on bedrest.

view all 28,001 comments

maxverstappen: you could never annoy me

y/ninsta: even when i try to walk when i'm not supposed to

maxverstappen: y/n sit tf down

danielricciardo: so glad to hear you are doing better

y/insta: thank you for bringing me take out every day i was in australia

user40: the world owes this girl an apology. you all bitching and moaning about her not being present just to find out that she has a chronic illness. some of you should be really embarrassed rn

[nikibogwater]

Everybody sit down and strap in, 'cause I have a doozy of a tale to share.

I've had anxiety for literally as long as I can remember. I've had periods of my life where it was so intense it became legitimately life-threatening (don't worry I promise this is going somewhere funny). And this was really bizarre because I have zero childhood trauma. Like, my family life is so idyllic it's almost comical. Therapists would do abuse screenings on me and look utterly baffled when I told them everything was fine at home. They'd interrogate my parents just to make sure I wasn't lying. I have one friend who I'm fairly sure believed I was just severely gaslighting myself when I said my family was great, school wasn't too stressful, and I've never lived in a dangerous neighborhood or experienced poverty.

Anyways, despite no one being able to figure out where my disorder was coming from, my doctors were able to help me manage the symptoms so that I would like, not die, and actually be able to finish high school. Which was awesome. Now fast forward to late 2021. My big sister (who has also had intense anxiety her whole life which no one could figure out why) is finishing up her doctorate and getting her physical therapist's license. Somehow, during all her studying and schooling, she finds out about this thing called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which explains literally everything that was going on with us. EDS is a connective tissue disorder that kinda fudges up your body in a whole bunch of little ways, including dysautonomia (episodes of very fast heart-rate that kick your body into fight-or-flight mode), and hypermobility (unusual flexibility). It's a spectrum disorder, so the severity of symptoms vary from person to person, but we definitely checked almost every box on the diagnostic list. My sister went to see a specialist, and yep, she was diagnosed EDS positive. She immediately calls my mom and goes "I know what's wrong with Niki" (thanks, sis, that's real encouraging lol). Initially we're like "okay Katie, that's nice" because honestly this kind of sounds like jumping at shadows, but I go in to see the specialist anyways just to make sure.

One consultation and diagnosis later, and suddenly my entire life makes perfect sense.

Now we get to the funny part. See, the diagnosis stuff happened in early 2022. So by the time late 2023 comes around and we're looking for a new dog (I promise this is relevant), we've been riding that chronic illness diagnosis for a while. Once again, my sister, ever the proactive one, decides she's going to help us get a new dog. She scours the adoption website, sends us photos of the cutest dogs available, and helps us make a decision. This is how we got Beverly, who has been an unstoppable force of chaos in our lives ever since we signed the papers (but she's also really cute so she can get away with it). Now on top of being a very excitable and anxious pupper, Beverly's got a weird little gimp in her hindquarters, which makes her sit all splayed-out and funny-looking, and while it doesn't seem to be causing her pain, we take her to a vet to get it checked out. Vet finds absolutely nothing. X-rays are taken and examined. Still nothing. At this point, they go "well, we could try a CT scan of her brain, which would run about $5,000, and maybe we could find something--" but my parents are already packing this dog into the car like "well that is a HARD nope." So we decide, look, Beverly seems happy and healthy, and those gimpy legs don't seem to bother her, so we'll just leave it be until it becomes clearer what's wrong with her because we do NOT have a cool $5,000 to throw around here.

Readers more astute than my family and I will likely have already figured out where this is going.

This morning, my mom is looking at Beverly sitting in her funny sprawled-out way, and something in her brain goes "wait...weird physical symptoms with no tracible cause that vets can see..." She does a bit of googling. Can dogs have EDS/Hypermobility? Yes. Yes they can. And the listed symptoms describe Beverly to a T.

So not only is my sister the one to finally figure out what's wrong with me, she also unknowingly got us a dog who has the exact same chronic condition as us. Meanwhile my poor dad, who is the only Normal Person in our house, is coming to terms with the fact that he is apparently just fated to always love chronically ill people and animals, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Call Mom

CW: PTSD/flashbacks, BBU in general, haunted, ghosts, reference to a murder, severe chronic panic

Jameson's Masterlist (scroll down)

-

Aw, crap. Hey, Johnny, do you remember where I put that girl's number? Like, Katie, or Caitlyn, or... do you remember? Hey! Johnny! Put down the fucking xbox controller for two fucking minutes and give me a hand, won't you?

Fingers snap right in front of his face.

Johnny!

Jameson jerks in a breath that sounds like a whine, sitting straight up. The fan blows cool air over his sweat-soaked skin and he shivers, cold inside and out. The air in his room is freezing, suddenly. Outside it's so dark you can't even see the trees - the power outage must still be going, there aren't any streetlights. Thanks to the clouds, no stars or moon, either.

Just darkness.

Wait, if the electricity's out...

He looks up. The ceiling fan is perfectly still above his head, even while ice-cold air keeps goosebumps rising on his arms, the hair standing up at the back of his neck.

See, was that so hard? It'll take like five minutes if we work together, I swear.

"Nat?" He mumbles. "S'at... you?"

Checked there already, actually. Checked the fridge, too, so where the hell did I put it?

He's the only person in this room.

Jameson goes from still half-asleep to fully, painfully awake and aware in a single breath.

The voice comes as clear as if it was right next to him, a voice as familiar as his own - but he has no idea whose it is. There's no one here but him - even Trash Cat isn't here any longer, probably hunting a tiny piece of plastic downstairs that he'll end up stepping on in the morning. So far she hasn't eaten any of them. He doesn't even know where she's finding them.

Johnny, come on. Let's, like, retrace our steps.

His head starts to ache more with every single word, the pain working like tendrils behind his eyes, a pressure trying to crush his skull from the inside. Something flashes, bright and almost like a spectrum of rainbow colors, in the corner of his right eye, but it won't resolve when he turns his head.

I got home from work, I told you we had a hot customer who gave me her number, and then... then what?

Jameson stares into darkness so complete it feels like it has weight. Like it's sitting on the bed next to him, like the mattress dips underneath it. A body made of memory, slowly pulling together the pieces of what's been hidden. Clawing them out but leaving deep weals across the inside of his mind, like a corpse's fingers digging into loose dirt to climb out of his grave.

"Caitlyn," He whispers, as the thought crystallizes. A memory, pure and perfect. Some sliver of whatever they broke the person he was into. Some small piece of the man who signed up. "Her name was Caitlyn, not Katie. She... wrote it on the fucking paper."

Right! Okay, so, clearly I told you her name, and then what?

Jameson turns his head, and there he is.

Hank.

His breath catches in his throat.

Hank is younger than he is, even though he was older then. The older brother, trapped in time, while Jameson - Jonathan - keeps aging. The rakish smile is still there and, Christ, Jameson had forgotten that he'd done that stupid thing to his hair - you forgot everything about him, you begged them to take him away from you so that it wouldn't hurt anymore. He's still got that one crooked tooth he'd refused to get braces to fix. That crooked tooth had been in his dental records. It was how they identified his body.

The fucking crooked tooth, the silver-colored fillings, then the DNA tests...

"No," He whispers, going for a vicious hiss, but what comes out is far too close to a whimper. "No. This is-... this is a flashback. This isn't real, this isn't-"

Maybe I left it in yesterday's pants?

"This isn't real, fuck off." Jameson shoves himself off the bed, forgetting his stupid fucking legs don't work. His knees buckle as soon as they have to take his weight.

He lands wrong on one arm and the pain spikes up through his shoulder, making him cry out in the hoarse, rasping voice that his life has left him with. "Fuck!"

He rolls onto his side, but he can't stop himself.

He looks up again. He doesn't want to remember Hank but he's desperate for one more look at his face. Just the one more time.

Just once more.

Hank sighs, raking a hand back through his hair, leaving it mussed-up and sticking out, looking ridiculous. He did that all the time. Bit his nails, too, and tried everything to stop but he never did. He wore those jeans with the ripped knee all the time, their mother had hated it. Hank, wearing the t-shirt for the band they'd gotten concert tickets for but never got the chance to see. Hank, dead for years, smiles to one side at a brother who isn't there.

The brother who erased him.

"Hank," He whispers. "Hank, you gotta-... you gotta go. You're hurting me-"

Damn. Man, it wasn't in my jeans either. Well, I'll find it sooner or later, I guess. Hank shrugs. His eyes are in shadow, not quite defined. Jameson wonders if it's because he's forgotten what color his brother's eyes were, forgotten it deeply enough that even this can't pull it back.

It'll be okay, Johnny. It really will. Hank looks right at him. Jameson's breath catches in his throat. The room is so cold the air burns as he breathes. It never gets this cold in California. It can't be this cold in California. I mean it. Don't cry yourself to sleep over this.

"I cried myself to sleep... all the time, but I don't now. I'm not-... that guy." He can barely speak. He sees his breath puff out when his lips move, and Jameson slumps back. His voice cracks, it creaks like old floors. He didn't stop crying for weeks. He didn't leave his bed. He did any drug he could find trying to not think about Hank, until he realized there was only one way to make sure he never had to think about what he'd done, by letting Hank walk home alone that one night, again. He didn't want to think about that pain anymore.

They had promised him he wouldn't ever have to hurt like this again.

They lied about that, too.

Jameson makes a sound he refuses to admit is a choked-off sob. "I'm not him, Hank. I'm not Johnny... not anymore."

Hank stands, and it's impossible. He's not here. But he holds out his hand anyway, and Jameson takes it without thinking. Hank's grip is so cold it burns, but Jameson lets his dead brother pull him to his feet anyway.

He smells like earth and ice.

"I'm not him," He whispers.

Right, like that argument ever works. Hank just grins, shaking his head. The man Jameson was - the one he had begged to leave behind - is the reason Hank will look like this in his memories forever. He's the reason there isn't another Hank, only this one, locked in the memories he wanted to boil and burn out of his own head. They're still there, though. They break through.

They never stop breaking through.

He would crawl back into Robert's cage himself if it only meant he didn't have to remember that it's his fault Hank is dead.

Tears run hot down his cheeks - the only thing in him that isn't frozen is his grief, wildfire in his chest leaving nothing but ash behind. Forests after wildfires are ghosts, Hank said once, when they were both high and everything sounded fucking important.

Jameson had called him an idiot - he remembers that now. But... he also thinks Hank was right. He closes his eyes as tightly as he can, focusing. He isn't here. Hank cannot be here. "I don't remember... remember you-... I don't want to remember you! It was my choice to forget!"

Hank claps him on the shoulder. His smile goes briefly gentle and soft. Jameson can see it with his eyes closed. Whatever you say, man. Just promise me you'll call Mom sometime soon, okay?

The pain is too much. If he can't pass out soon, he might die just from having to experience it, unending, never stopping, rising higher and higher. "Mom...?"

Yeah, dumbass. Mom. Our mother? Who gave birth to us and never lets us fucking forget it? I keep trying to talk to her, but I guess my signal's bad. Hank laughs, and Jameson's whole body breaks with the sound of that familiar laughter. The way Hank could throw his head back without the slightest bit of self-consciousness, how he'd hear that laugh across a crowded room and know it was his brother's, know right where he was.

Until he didn't.

Until nobody did.

Until the cops found what was left.

Until-

Jameson jolts again, and finds himself still lying on the floor next to his bed. He's burning up, boiling hot, pouring sweat until his sleep shirt sticks to his back and his arms feel slick with it, his hair sticking to skin. A droplet trickles down the back of his neck like a fingertip, barely touching. He rips his shirt off, then his pants, throwing them as far away from himself as he can, until he's naked on the floor but it isn't enough.

He's still sweating, still breathing in harsh gasps, fighting around the strength of his racing heart to get enough air to fill his lungs. He looks frantically around, but no one's here.

The ceiling fan circles lazily overhead.

He takes in a breath, his heart pounding. It feels like it's going to grow wings and fly away, up his throat and out of his mouth. He's still crying, he realizes only now. He closes his eyes as tightly as he can and fights tears back through sheer willpower and rage, curling his hands into fists. Just like they used to be, his fingers know - muscle memory of mittens that had kept him powerless, once. Now, he does it on purpose, and he forces them to curl through the pain.

Forces down the dream.

Wills himself to forget he ever had it.

"Four... f-four things you can see," he whispers to himself, slumping back down. His voice keeps trembling, catching, and it's everything he has to open his eyes again around the pounding headache in his skull and look. "The-... moon. Out the... window. The, my dresser... for my clothes... M-My, uh, the picture Nat p-printed of me and Allyn... fuck, the... the doorknob."

Every time he thinks he knows how much of his body can hurt at once, some nerves he didn't know existed decide to join the party. He has to breathe in and out, slow and controlled, trying to will his body to cooperate. He won't walk tomorrow, he can tell already. It'll be a day to spend in bed, or using his wheelchair. It might be a week until his body lets him walk again.

He fights back a new well of rage and despair at how well he knows the next way his body will fail him. He can't think about that right now, or the pain and the panic will spiral out of control. He might hurt someone. He can't hurt anyone, not ever again.

He won't.

"Three... things I can touch," He murmurs. "My, my... my shirt, fuck, gross, sweaty... my... my hair... the floor, feels... cold, feels good... the corner of my bed..."

It helps. He makes himself focus on this, on real things, not the nightmare of his brother.

He won't remember his brother.

He won't.

"Two things I can hear. Uh, the, there's... crickets or something outside, and-... and I can hear-"

Hank's voice whispers right next to his ear.

Call Mom.

His breath hitches.

"Not real," he whispers. "One... one thing I can taste..."

All he tastes is blood, and for one horrified half a second he's sure it's Hank's blood, until he realizes he bit his tongue in his sleep.

The blood is his own.

Call Mom.

-

[gingerjolover]

masterlist :')

requests are currently CLOSED (asks are always open to submit ideas but will go to the bottom of the list🫶🏻)

while some of my writing is PG/PG-13, this blog contains content unsuitable for minors. 18+ only, minors gtfo!

**-** smut

who I write for!

Lucy Dacus

Unspoken - Lucy and crew!reader don't have to say it but they're in looooove

Warm Like the Breeze - Lucy and her gf cuddle on a daybed before tour

Sweet Angel - Lucy's gf has chronic pain, so she wears many different hats - nurse, dog mom, and sweet angel from heaven above

Pet Names - blurb

**Dom!Lucy** - blurb

**Bothering Lucy** - blurb

What I want - mini fic (gingy’s halloweekend)

Lazy Day - mini fic (gingybread's holidaze)

Julien Baker

Sleep It Off - Julien has had a rough few weeks, resulting in some conflict with her soft!gf :(

Dirty Shirlies - Julien doesn't like when randos talk to her girl (possessive!julien in the house)

Pet Names - blurb

Julien's Accent - blurb

#28 This is not what I expected - six-word prompts (mini fic)

**Electrolytes** - after a separate night out, julien just wants to spend time with her gf <3

Possessive + Protective - blurb

Taking care of you - blurb (TW: ED)

Princess - blurb

#30 I can't risk losing you again - six-word prompts (mini fic) (gingy's halloweekend)

Ariana! What are you doing here? - soft!gf is doing jb's makeup on Halloween and she just can't sit still (gingy's halloweekend)

Pumpkin carving - blurb (gingy's halloweekend)

Detangle - Julien's gf helps her get unready after BG's Halloween show at the Hollywood Bowl :') (gingy's halloweekend)

Ice Skating - blurb (gingybread's holidaze)

Looooover - blurb (gingybread's holidaze)

(Ginger)bread House Battle - blurb (gingybread's holidaze)

Mini Telecaster Ornament - blurb (gingybread's holidaze)

Winter Wedding +1 - blurb (gingybread's holidaze)

The Love Nest - mini fic (controversially young!gf universe)

Phoebe Bridgers

Taking care of you - blurb (TW: ED)

Lasagna - Phoebe's had a long day at the studio and her gf knows exactly what to do when she needs comfort

**She's a biter** - blurb - part 1 - part 2

Pet Names - blurb

Pumpkin Patch - blurb (gingy's halloweekend)

Mistletoe - blurb (gingybread's holidaze)

Katie Gavin

Don't let Go - Katie teaches their sweet (and scared) gf how to rollerbade!

Pet Names - blurb

#22 I don't want to hear it - six-word prompts (mini fic) (gingy's halloweekend)

Happy Not Birthday - katie's gf hates her bday but loves katie <3

Early morning walk - christmas morning domestic vibes

Jo Maskin

Hidden Meanings - Soft!gf reader always gifts flowers for Jo with hidden meanings <3

#4 Don't talk to me ever again - six-word prompts (mini fic)

Missing you - blurb

Pet Names - blurb

For the bit - mini fic (gingy’s halloweekend)

Untitled V-day Fic - (gingy's cupid shuffle)

Naomi McPherson

Calming you down - blurb

#7 I can't stop thinking of you - six-word prompts (mini fic)

Pet Names - blurb

Mornings - mini fic

Mornings Pt 2 (Bob the Builder) - mini fic (gingybread's holidaze)

Taking care of drunk soft!gf - blurb (gingy’s halloweekend)

Pumpkin seeds - blurb (gingy's halloweekend)

NYE Jealousy HC - blurb (gingybread's holidaze)

Untitled Angst - preface

You're Losing Me - Part 1

You're Losing Me - Part 2

You're Losing Me - Part 3

You're Losing Me - Part 4 (Coming soon!)

Boygenius

Types of dates - blurb

Commitment styles - blurb

MUNA

Couple Halloween costumes - blurb (gingy's halloweekend)

Munagenius

The Group Chat - blurb

"We're munagenius's gfs, of course..." - blurb

[thedisabilitybookarchive]

Disability in Books: Bisexual MCs

[ID: A poster. Large black text in the centre reads "Books with Disabled Bi MCs". In the upper left corner, smaller black text that reads "Disability in Books". The background is a straight diagonal version of the disability pride flag. In the lower-left corner, the bisexual pride flag shaped like a heart. In the upper right corner, the logo for the Disability Book Archive, and the rainbow pride flag in the shape of a small heart. /end]

[ID: The same poster. The hearts and logo have shrunken slightly in size. The title has been removed, and replaced with two book covers and some black text listed in between them. The cover on the left side is for "Six of Crows", and the cover on the lower right side is for "Crooked Kingdom", both by Leigh Bardugo. The text listed in the centre reads "Young Adult", "Gambling Addiction, ADHD", "Additional cane user MC with touch aversion and chronic pain", "Dyslexic MC/LI", "M/M, F/M", "Multiple POV", "Fantasy", and "Series". /end]

[ID: The same poster. The book covers and text have been replaced. The cover at the top of the poster is "Forever is Now" by Mariama J. Lockington. Black text listed to the left of it reads "Young Adult", "Anxiety", "Agoraphobia", "Novel in Verse", "Black MC", "Contemporary Fiction" and "Coming of Age". The cover at the bottom of the poster is for "Fortune Favors the Dead" by Stephen Spotswood. Black text listed to the right of reads "Adult", "MC with Multiple Sclerosis", "Detective Fiction", "Historical", "Murder Mystery", "Series" and "1940s USA". /end]

[ID: The same poster. The book covers and text have been replaced. The cover at the top is for "Fresh" by Margot Wood. Black text listed to the left of it reads "Young/New Adult", "ADHD", "Retelling of 'Emma'", "Contemporary", "Romance", "Comedy", "College" and "F/F". The cover at the bottom is for "Hench" by Natalie Zina Walschots. Black text listed to the right of it reads "Adult", "Cane User, PTSD, Improperly Healed Bone, Chronic Pain", "Urban Fantasy", "Superheroes and Supervillains", "Science-Fiction", "Canada" and "Series". /end]

[ID: The same poster. The book covers and text have been replaced. The cover at the top is for "How to Bite Your Neighbor and Win a Wager" by D. N. Bryn. Black text listed to the left of it reads "Adult", "Anxiety", "Depression", "Chronic Fatigue", "M/M", "Vampires", "Latin MC", "Romance, Urban Fantasy" and "Series". The cover at the bottom is for "The Immeasurable Depth of You" by Maria Ingrande Mora. Black text listed to the right of it reads "Young Adult", "Anxiety, OCD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, ADHD", "Magical Realism", "Contemporary", "Mystery" and "Coming of Age". /end]

[ID: The same poster. The book covers and text have been replaced. The book cover at the top is for "In the Ring" by Sierra Isley. Black text listed to the left of it reads "Young Adult", "Anxiety", "Contemporary", "Romance", "Sports", "Boxing", "F/M" and "Jewish Characters". The book cover at the bottom is for "Let's Call it a Doomsday" by Katie Henry. Black text listed to the right of it reads "Young Adult", "Anxiety", "Contemporary", "Realistic" and "Mormon Characters". /end]

🩷💜💙🩷💜💙🩷💜💙🩷💜💙🩷💜💙🩷💜💙🩷💜💙🩷 [22 heart emojis, alternating between pink, purple and blue]

A short list of books featuring disabled, bisexual, and disabled bisexual MCs!

This list was specifically requested by @bisexual-coala.

Books on this list:

🩷 'Six of Crows'- Bardugo, Leigh

💜 'Crooked Kingdom'- Bardugo, Leigh

💙 'Forever is Now'- Lockington, Mariama J.

🩷 'Fortune Favors the Dead'- Spotswood, Stephen

💜 'Fresh'- Wood, Margot

💙 'Hench'- Walschots, Natalie Zina

🩷 'How to Bite Your Neighbor and Win a Wager'- Bryn, D. N.

💜 'The Immeasurable Depth of You'- Mora, Maria Ingrande

💙 'In the Ring'- Isley, Sierra

🩷 'Let's Call It a Doomsday'- Henry, Katie

All of these books and more can be found on the Disability Book Archive

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 Happy Pride Month! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[ekowolf]

i’ve been trying my hardest but i’m deep in my darkness

i’m so easy to throw away

take what you need from me—there’s not much left of me

my soul picked clean from the bones

my mask has been falling but nobody hears me calling

feel it as it slides

drenched in pain of all the days that i’m facing

but who needs a mask

when i’m so easy to leave behind

[chocodile]

An illustration of Bani, my cat who passed away at the beginning of March 2023. She was my best friend. I still miss her every day.

A little writeup/”poem”(?) about her last few years under the cut.

When Bani was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease in early 2020, I asked her to make it through the pandemic because it felt like the world was ending and I couldn't lose her, too. And she did.

When we moved to a new state in 2021, we asked her to make it for a while in the new house because I didn't want this happy new chapter of our lives to be tainted with such a painful loss so early on. I wanted the house to feel like our family’s house, not "the house without Bani." And she did.

When she had her first major health crisis in early summer 2022 at the same time I was trying to job hunt, I asked her to make it through me getting settled into the new job, because I was already feeling out of my depth and struggling with the adjustment and needed her support and love to keep strong. And she did.

When she was almost 18 in fall of 2022, we asked her to make it to 18, because I had been telling people for ages that my cat was "almost 18 years old" and I didn't want her to always be "almost 18 years old". I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her. And she did.

When we had plans to leave for Christmas at the end of 2022, we asked her to make it through until we got back, because it would be too impossibly sad for her to pass while we weren't here to be with her. And she did.

When my birthday was coming up in January 2023, I asked her to make it past my birthday, because I wanted to be with her on my birthday. And she did.

The winter has been long and hard and cold and miserable. Earlier this winter, before Christmas, Katie asked her to make it to March. I thought that March was a lot to ask of such an old cat. I wasn’t sure if she had that much juice left in her. I would understand if she didn’t.

But she did. At 18 years and 3 months old, she made it to March 2nd, 2023. But by then she was very old and very, very tired. Katie and I told her it was alright, she’d done enough and could rest now.

She passed away in my arms, on her favorite pillow, with Aunt Katie beside her, in bed, cozy and warm with a tummy full of cheese, just as she would have wanted.

[junebugtwin]

fun little Worm ocs I've got stuck in my head (under the cut because this post ended up longer than I thought it would be):

Kathline 'Katie' Darner aka: WYSLMIIWAW (pronounced like 'wise-limm-wah') a nineteen year old runaway and member of 'The Party Crashers' a small and relatively informal rouge group that steals from the rich/ morally questionable and gives to the poor. (in this case they are The Poor but semantics) The party crashers prefer to target villain groups or cops- which makes them pretty much villains in the eyes of the law, though other villain groups find that opinion controversial.

Her power is that she can 'transform' into a worm (in reality its more like her consciousness switches into that of a worm that has been teleported where she was and her body has been teleported to another dimension in a location where it is physically safe, but she doesn't know that). It happens instantaneously and can be undone instantaneously, which gives her a surprising amount of movement and agility.

She can use her powers to dodge hits, survive falls she wouldn't as a human, sneak into places, hide, or dig through the ground. She perceives the world similar to how she might if her human body was made tiny, as though she has somehow retained her human senses- though they are fuzzy and tend to 'lag' a half second or so behind reality.

If she dies as a worm she wakes up in her human body in another universe. She does not know this because she has assumed (fairly) that dying as a worm would just kill her like normal.

Her name is a acronym, the full title is 'Would You Still Love Me If I Was A Worm'- a truly stupid name made up by her girlfriend that she went along with. They have not bothered to explain it to the press or anyone outside of their group- which, hilariously combining with the fact that the 'worm' aspect of Katies powers is mostly unknown- leaves her as a mysterious figure with an annoyingly instant mover power.

Katie mostly stays quiet in costume, but as a civilian she's relaxed and pleasant to be around, if not incredibly easy to push over and boss around.

Maxine 'Max' Arbor aka: Hot Wheels- An eighteen year old girl who lives with her grandparents and barely passed highschool. She's one of the other members of 'The Party Crashers' and girlfriend to Katie.

At fourteen she was in a bad accident and became permanently disabled, resulting in her using a wheelchair to get around, among other chronic pains and annoyances. She does not let this stop her from being an active member of a semi-criminal gang of hooligans, though maybe it should honestly.

Her power allows her to use as much force as the most powerful thing to impact her (ever) into any movement she does with her body. She can not tone this power down- if it's on it's all the way on. This would not be so disasterous except the most powerful thing to hit her was a bus.

Max's physical body is protected from the after effects of punching/shoving things with the force of a bus, but it does not protect her immedate surroundings, the floor, or her wheel chair.

This is unfortunate because she definitely cannot pay for multiple wheelchairs, and thus uses her thievery as an income to replace her mobility aid which she destroyed via her job as a thief. It's a self perpetuating cycle that she doesn't really like thinking about.

Max has obvious brute powers, and can move extremely fast when necessary- however she's not so great at the steering or stopping part of things.

She's naturally impulsive, quick to anger and quick to forgive and a generally kind hearted person when she remembers to be one.

Rose Winters- A nine year old girl who doesn't have a cape identity because she doesn't really consider herself one and hasn't stopped to think too hard about things.

Rose is extremely intelligent for her age, in part because of her powers, and in part because her parental situation is neglectful enough that it borders on abusive and she's sort of had to learn how to fend for herself.

She has a tinker power in a round about way, she makes little 'statues' out of mud, rocks, grass, leaves and other natural items- with each ingredients adding different abilities or quirks to the statue as she goes. The location the items were found in, the condition they are in, the order they are added to her creations, even her emotions toward said object all effect the final product even if only slightly.

These creatures are made animate when she considers them 'done' and are friendly towards her, with the problem solving skills of maybe a particularly smart dog. She can make them at any size, but it's quite hard to make them overly big without it collapsing in on itself.

Each statue has it's own simple personality, and some work together better or worse than others. Depending on what she put into them they can have a huge range of abilities and properties, such as blending into the background, being hot to the touch, shooting gravel, making extremely loud sounds, seeing in the dark, or giving out a mild electric shock.

Rose is more interested in collecting, making and testing out her statues than the local cape scene but she has accidentally caused some chaos- her creatures are free to roam where they want and not every one takes seeing what is obviously some ones minion wandering around their turf very well.

I do have more characters, including the rest of the members of The Party Crashers, but this post is already waaay longer than I thought it would be and it's getting late. Feel free to ask me any questions/clarification about these guys, I'm always down to talk about ocs.

[nyaagolor]

Very silly chart about the sv characters and weed

Protagonist: your mileage may vary but mine only befriended Koraidon because she was high as shit and thought it was a really big wingull

Nemona: She took those anti-drug PSAs to heart. Not only does she think marijuana will kill you and has never smoked before, but if she saw someone else smoking she would put out their joint and give them a stern lecture. She's still student council president at the end of the day and she will NOT tolerate la hierba diabla

Penny: Being a stoner transfemme catgirl furry is basically a prerequisite to being a cybersecurity expert at this point. This woman has DEFINITELY played Minecraft while high out of her mind

Arven: He is completely unfamiliar with weed outside this one weird brownie recipe he saw online once, but good lord he needs some. Get this man an edible immediately he needs a nap and a release from the cruelty of existence

Sada and Turo: Got the idea for the time machine while high, this is a hill I will die on

Jacq: He has enough cortisol in his bloodstream at this very moment to kill a small mammal, I think he needs something to chill him out. He's so air-headed that it probably won't affect his outward behaviors anyway

Miriam: Medical marijuana was getting popular so she got curious and tried it, telling absolutely no one. She hated the cotton-mouth feeling, so she hasn't touched it since, and says she's never tried it when people ask

Dendra: She's an athlete and they drug-test so she couldn't try it even if she wanted to (and trust me, she wants to)

Saguaro: He was never interested in it because it smells bad >n<. Try as he might to hide it, he's a bit sensitive and didn't want to be around something so stinky

Salvatore: He was in the poke-netherlands once on a study abroad trip and rolled the worst blunt of all time. He was so thoroughly humiliated that he didn't even end up smoking and was asked to leave. The memory still haunts him. He doesn't like to talk about it

Tyme: Smoked a few times when she was a teenager and hanging out with Ryme-- ironically in their youth, it was Tyme who was the rebel! She hasn't done it in a few decades though, it's not really her thing anymore

Raifort: She'll try anything once, but didn't like the feeling of being so sluggish and tired so she didn't do it again

Clavell: You know that video with Clavell as Dwight? "Clavell finding marijuana is more dangerous than most people smoking it"? Exactly that

Katy: Smells too bad for her to even think about trying it. Also she's petty and too many people asked her if she can bake weed brownies, so she avoids it on principle now

Brassius: He's a grass gym leader, what do you think. Also I hc he has a chronic illness so he takes it medically to help with the pain. His studio smells downright rancid

Iono: Got high on a since deleted stream. She ended up staring directly into the camera for like three hours and falling asleep drooling, which was so embarrassing that she erased all records of the stream from existence and swore never to touch it again

Kofu: This is a man who looks like he would make MEAN cannabutter. He just has the vibes

Ryme: Smokes sometimes at parties and other social events, but not all that frequently. Grandma's still got it, plus it helps calm her down before a seance

Tulip: Tried it once after being offered it at an afterparty, but didn't like how it made her feel. She likes to be at the top of her game At All Times and this was not the way to do it

Grusha: Takes it medically for his chronic pain, but that's about it. Wouldn't use it otherwise

Rika: Just look at her.

Larry: Tried it one (1) time and didn't like it. Prefers regular cigarettes

Poppy: She's four.

Hassel: He ran away from home to be a musician he definitely had a stoner phase. Also he's besties / husbands with Brassius, so he's more than familiar with weed. I think because he's a schoolteacher and works with kids he doesn't do it much anymore though

Geeta: I'm honestly not sure how she fits into this, only that she's on the Nightmare Blunt Rotation of every Paldean

Giacomo: He can pretend all he likes but he's still a student council president at heart, he is mortified by the very concept of smoking weed. Someone offered him a joint at a rave and he lectured them for a half hour on the importance of caring for your body. He may look like a stoner but do not be fooled

Mela: Acts tough but she's kinda scared of the prospect of smoking weed. Don't tell anyone though

Atticus: He heard about this ancient Johtoian technique of ninja relaxation and tried to hotbox his room once. This resulted in an academy-wide fire scare because he set off every smoke alarm in his hall. The director was less than thrilled about this. Rumor has it the smell from Atticus' homemade herb and weed blend still sticks to the walls

Ortega: His opinion on weed is irrelevant because no one in their right mind is going to deal weed to a 14 year old nepo-baby in a pastel pink suit

Eri: Actually shockingly responsible and healthy at the end of the day-- illicit substances aren't part of her workout routine. Will probably give you a look of disapproval if she sees you smoking, but ultimately that's your business

[maaarine]

Hormones and their Interaction with the Pain Experience (Katy Vincent and Irene Tracey, 2008)

"One of the most striking physiological differences between men and women is in sex steroid hormones, both the absolute levels and the occurrence of cyclical fluctuations in women.

These hormones are known to be responsible for the embryological development of a male or female phenotype and for successful reproductive function after puberty.

More recently, observations such as the marked differences in pain symptoms between males and females in the period between puberty and the menopause, and the cyclical variations in many clinical pain symptoms in women have suggested that they may also have a role in altering the pain experience. (…)

With the onset of regular ovulation and menstruation, it can be seen that a number of clinical pain conditions show variation in symptom severity across the menstrual cycle.

Clearly the pain of dysmenorrhoea is, by definition, associated with the menstrual cycle, however, the symptoms of temperomandibular joint (TMJ) dysfunction, fibromyalgia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Interstitial Cystitis (IC) and migraine can also show cyclical variation.

The greatest reports of pain symptoms appear to occur at times of low or rapidly falling estrogen levels and the use of the combined oral contraceptive pill (COCP) to give a more constant hormonal level can improve these symptoms. (…)

From puberty onwards, men have significantly higher levels of testosterone and its metabolites than women.

Testosterone appears to have an analgesic effect protecting against the development of painful conditions such as TMJ pain.

Rheumatoid arthritis patients (both male and female) have been shown to have lower androgen levels than sex-matched controls, and androgen administration improves their symptoms, whilst female workers with lower testosterone levels have more work-related neck and shoulder injuries.

However, investigation of the specific effects of testosterone are complicated by the fact that much is metabolised in vivo to estradiol by aromatase, and this is therefore an issue which needs to be addressed in future studies.

Perhaps one of the more intriguing studies to be published recently explored the effect of systemic hormone administration to both male to female (MtF) and female to male (FtM) transsexuals (n=73) during the process of sex reassignment.

They observed that approximately one third of the MtF subjects developed chronic pain during their treatment with estrogen and androgens, and even those that did not, reported a decreased tolerance to painful events and an enhanced sensitivity to thermal stimuli (both warm and cold).

Of those FtM subjects who had chronic pain before the start of treatment, more than half improved after commencing testosterone treatment, reporting reduced numbers of painful episodes and shorter lengths of those that did occur.

Clearly, psychological effects cannot be ignored in this group of subjects, however, this is the only situation where the hormonal milieu in humans can be ethically altered to that of the opposite gender and therefore gives us interesting insights. (…)

In addition to its sensory aspect, pain is an emotional experience.

It is therefore of interest that the life time patterns in pain symptoms in men and women are closely mirrored by those of mood disorders, though with the addition of a perimenopausal peak in mood disorders.

Comparing post-puberty with pre-puberty, rates of significant depression increased two-fold for boys but more than four-fold for girls.

In Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMD), there is no evidence that abnormal levels of hormones occur (unlike in depression associated with thyroid or pituitary dysfunction), rather, it appears that some women are more sensitive to the mood destabilising effects of these hormones.

It is not inconceivable therefore, that a similar situation may exist for pain."

[maplesyrupptarmigan]

Summary:

Katie wanted to be excited. A part of her was. Hang out with her friends, eat food made with love—fun stuff. So what if she had woken up with a nine out of ten on the chronic pain scale? She'd been through worse.

She rubbed her eyes and tried to stretch. I have got to get a stretching routine, she thought. The thought was, thankfully, interrupted by a car pulling up and a person hopping out.

"You good?" Lance asked.

"No, I feel like shit. But otherwise, yeah. I'm fine."

- - -

something different. decided to infodump in the actual notes than in here, although do have things to say about it here.

i think my writing is too dialogue-heavy, and i need to work on actually writing scenes and settings instead of characters and conversations. i enjoy it, and i love writing the way people speak, but it makes the writing feel sparse in my opinion. it works for the kind of really short microfiction stuff that got me back into writing, but i think for more long-form stuff its suffering. a lot of times i want these stories to be longer, but my writing style lends itself more to short forms (this was a slight problem for signals and messages, which were both downsized significantly when i realized i couldn't write as much as i wanted to—strangely, the interludes always seem to end up larger than i anticipated). i'd like my writing to be more dense, which i am trying to work on. anyways

this went for a long time without a proper name. i originally called it microcosms, which is fine, i guess (i'm saving that for something else, now). the lyric title was more of an addition after the fact, but i would like to do more lyric title fics. there are some good lyrics out there.

thanks

[rizansauce]

Gays vs Neurodivergent Gays (Music Taste)

You can identify whether a person is a gay or a neurodivergent gay just by seeing their music taste. Matter of fact their top artist on spotify and how long they've listened to them.

Now why is it important to identify a gay or a neurodivergent gay? No reason. They're just the most contrasting group of minorities I've ever seen. (at times)

You can catch a regular gay person listening to whatever cunty music they have their radar on made by either a poc straight woman or any homosexual who happens to make music. There is no wiggle room for any other type of artist.

Regular-tegular gays are just living it up and having fun when they forget that their rights exist as much as the mosquito who keeps you up at night who will eventually get smacked when they turn on their playlist and start blasting 180 bpm club music in C major.

HOWEVER

Neurodivergent gays are on the farthest end of the spectrum that they've already fallen off into the void. No one can save them. Ever.

Neurodivergent gays are either in the absolute worst pain ever that you would use as oc lore where the whole fucking planet has gone extinct and they witnessed their only friend die in their hands and now they're left alone until eventually they die of starvation.

Or

They are in the happiest, silliest, goofiest mood and start playing vocaloid as that is their only medium of happiness. The scales will always differ though. Either its a 70/30 ratio of 5 year chronic depression to kaito last name unknown or a 99.995 percent sadness and that one kagamine len song where the only lyric is bananananananana for a good 30 seconds.

The silliness never wins :(

Neurodivergent gays will either listen to the holy trinity of laufey, beabadoobee and mitski or vocaloid that they spent the past few months compiling an accurate playlist of as its been their hyperfixation for the past few years that they forgot about cause another one popped up while they went down a rabbit hole of vocaloid music videos. Their favourite vocaloid is either hatsune miku or any other cryptonloid or an utau called Jim Stunner that was voiced by jimmy buffet that was released back in 1994.

Digging up obscure artists and things is a neurodivergent's favourite activity

Regular gays listen to clublike cunt music which even the straights could get into if they were trying to be an ally in pride month. These playlists would probably contain moldovan eurovision submissions, charli xcx, or old 2010's music that probably includes a little bit of katy perry here and there.

Neurodivergent gays typically have a longer time spent on spotify for obvious reasons aka stimming or just wallowing in their feelings that weigh as much as . They're probably the entire top 500 of any vocaloid producer with about 100,000 hours spent on listening to mitski

To end off this tangent,

Honorable Mentions:

Kikuo (oh my god kikuo is singlehandedly a LARGE portion of the pain, suffering and more section of the neurodivergent gay music taste)

Crypton (The company that made vocaloid and had more impact on the neurodivergent community as a whole than minecraft)

Chappell Roan (The ringleader for lesbians worldwide)

Lady Gaga (No words need to be said.)

Fiona Apple

Pheobe Bridgers

and

Mafumafu, Ado and Eve (Utaites aka cover artists that eventually became artists (not all of them do for the uninitiated) that I consider a staple in the neurodivergent gay music community)

In conclusion, or a TLDR, the gays have great music taste in cunt

and the neurodivergent gays will suffer with you or drop off some silly serotonin for your troubles

Thank you for your time ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ)

[sammyisfat]

My dad had 3 surgeries on his kidneys, one died, one is functioning at 10% and he had a massive heart attack. All in the last 2 weeks, we are prepping him palliative care. Just keeping him comfortable.

So as mindless thing I started watching Vanderpump Rules, and I didn’t want to pay for the Hayu subscription. So in Feb I watched season 3-10. And seeing Katie, who is not a perfect victim, who suffered from PTSD and TBI from falling through a skylight and be in a relationship with someone like my ex has been very triggering for me.

But seeing Katie’s growth has really inspired me. As someone with ptsd, bpd, clinical depression, adhd, and chronic pain. And being in an abusive relationship with someone who saw me at my lowest and took advantage but couldn’t handle when I decided to start healing myself and putting me first and coming out my fog from a manic bpd episode caused by trauma from my hysterectomy.

My ex cheated, he lied, he gaslit me, he was awful to me but he was the Schwartz type. So good at making you think oh, he’s just a poor awkward puppy. But he had a dark side, the things he would say in heat of moments or even out of no where was insane to me and genuinely scared me. And I had never been in a relationship with someone like that. It was terrifying in hind sight. Seeing someone say they love me to treating me how Schwartz would Katie and then yell she deserved it because she was being tequila Katie.

When I watch Katie, I see with the right support system, with patience, and self love. I can heal from those things, I can move forward. I will find joy again, I will be able to accept the mistakes I’ve made and grow from them. Even if others want to throw my mistakes in my face.

I’ve been taking DBT so seriously, and I’m 8 weeks in. And I’m seeing the benefits and fruits of my labour by trying. And I know it’s just a show. But as a women who has gone through what I have, it’s nice to see her come out on top.