#crazy how trauma makes u forget stuff

[greyslates]

waiting patiently for ur return, and im glad your hiatus is helping out <3!!

YAAA ngl i forgot who i am BUT im having tons of fun rediscovering myself 😁😁😁

[satrs]

A/N; working on alll of ur requests rn sweeties!!! It's gonna take me a good while tho, so here is a lil sum sum I wrote abt the guys sum time ago ^^ Hope u enjoy my late night yapping and plzzzz be patient with meeee, I didn't forget ur requests my lovelys!!!

Random/unpopular headcanons of Weird stuff they do! (MDNI! SFW ans NSFW)

ZAYNE

SFW

Drink his coffee HORENDOUSLY. It looks like a brew straight out of hell. Honestly, it’s closer to motor oil than anything drinkable.

Eats like a pregnant woman with the wildest cravings. I’m convinced he mixes sweets with damn near everything, pickles with ice cream, shit like that.

Uhhh, I also think he’s messy??? Like, his house looks tidy at first glance— floors clean, dishes done, nothing crazy. But if you actually live with him, you realize he doesn’t have time to handle allat!!! There’s always clothes flying around, jackets tossed over chairs, hoodies crumpled on the couch, random socks disappearing into the void. Not necessarily dirty clothes, just... clothes littered across the house. It's like he tries to stay organized, but life moves too fast and the laundry pile moves faster.

NSFW

Tries to optimize things. It's kinda weird but also hot??? "What if we adjust the angle by 12 degrees—oh. Oh, that's better."

One time, he came with one hand on the wall like a man in mourning and didn't say a word, just stood there. (Post-nut trauma pose lmaooo)

Looses track of time when he's with u. You've been at it for 3 hours with barely any break before he realized that he has 2 hours of sleep left before he has to get up for work. But he'll worry about that in the morning.

He's giving you a clinical review when you ride him. "Your pelvic tilt just now was exceptional. Ten out of ten."

SYLUS

Bro im ngl… i feel like he's a hoarder. Antique stuff probs like old pennies from 1500s or sum shi.

Props a history nerd on the low. Knows every event ever happening around the word from the stone age to modern times. (Rants to you about them sometimes)

Caffeine Dependency, But in odddd forms.He refuses to drink normal coffee so, instead, he's obsessed with fancy stuff like matcha lattes, cold brew espresso, or even herbal teas that are supposed to enhance mental focus. If you catch him on a "bad caffeine day," you'll see him get irritated if he had to settle for a drink that doesn't meet his exacting standards (He's gonna pull out the glock ain't he).

NSFW

Discovered his wax kink one time when candle wax happend to drip on him turing sexy time, and he moaned so loud it scared you. That's when you both began to involve wax as a main actor during the act more often.

Oh he's soooo horny when you patch him up after a deal gone wrong. Grows soooo hard when you're shocked self runs up to his all bloodied form:(( Just such big baby and a suckerrr for your nursing skills!!!

Guns are everywhere. Like, casually. Sometimes there's one just sitting on the nightstand, loaded, of course— the barrel practically staring at you while he's fucking you. It's kinda terrifying if you think about it too hard.

Okay, hear me out!!!! When he's really exhausted, like dead-on-his-feet exhausted, he comes home, takes a quick, half-awake shower, then just slumps onto the bed, still wet, still half-dressed, a lit cigar hanging from his lips as you ride him. He's barely doing anything, just lying there with this lazy, heavy-lidded look, letting you use him however you want. Smoke curling up toward the ceiling, his body all warm and loose under your hands. It’s messy, raw, and honestly addicting if you admit.

CALEB

SFW

Constantly challenges himself to do backflips in inappropriate places. "Bet I can flip off this railing" No, Caleb. You can't. But he does it anyway(urghhh). It's even grown to a point that he makes a quick backflip when you two meet up as agreeting mane. It's sooo embarrassing when the bystanders eye him but he thinks it's soooo cold LMAOOO

Caleb still doesn't know how to use a lot of things properly. He'll try to fix things around the house and end up breaking them worse than they were. You'll catch him watching YouTube tutorials, struggling with the basics of cooking, or just trying to figure out how something works.

NSFW

Tries to make you laugh mid-stroke. Literally says stuff like "What would you do if I'd start moonwalking right now?" You're crying laughing while he's still inside you.

He high fives you after sex. Every damn time. Yep. Its canon bc i said so!

Treats you on top as if he's ur personal trainer. "Yeahhh, get those megan-kness working. One, two, three— heyheyhey you gotta put your legs into it!“

XAVIER

SFW

Despite him sleeping so damn much, I feel like hes a light sleeper. If you move away slightly his eyes shoot open bruh. (They also glow in the dark and scare the shit out of you when ypu come back to the room after taking a piss)

Incredible memory for faces, but not names. He can remember every single detail about a person's face—the way they looked when they smiled, the exact way they tilted their head during conversation—but when it comes to their names? Not a clue. He js couldn't give less of a fuck.

Always late for your dates. At least half an hour. Not bc he's been sleeping but because he's so slowww man! You're so mad bc you can't teleport like a certain someone cough cough, but still manage to show up on time!!! And when he shows up he acts so innocent and clueless as if you didn't wait for him for half an hour.

NSFW

Thinks it's soooo sexy when you scold him. Say his full name with force and he's rock solidddd 'm tellin youuuu!!!

Always insists on so much foreplay it's frustrating. Don't get me wrong it's sexy! ....until it's been 45 minutes and you’re still begging for him to finally put it in.

Has a thing for u playing with his hair, especially if you pull it when he's eatin you out. But even if you just genuinely move it out of his face after a heated make-out shesh, he whines as if you got his dick in a headlock (you do).

RAFAYEL

Props has a journal and draws little doodles of you next to his entry of the day!! When he's feeling espacially romantic, he'll begin with a small doodle but get lost in it end end up drawing the most breathtaking portrait of you. He hides the journal too, a bit too embarrassed to show you his rambles of how much in love he is with you. Yeahhh for his eyes only!

Rafayel is full of bizarre superstitions. He's the type to refuse to walk under a ladder, always carries a lucky charm, and insists that everything happens for a reason. If you spill salt, you're definitely going to have to throw it over your left shoulder. Was a literal sea god but bad luck are the most of his worries ig...

His desk is a mess, but somehow everything is in its right place. Papers are scattered everywhere, but you can not touch them. He has his own chaotic filing system, and God help you if you try to reorganize anything.

NSFW

Sucker for you when ur in heels. I dare you to step on his foot by accident in heels!!(he almost came in his pants). Loves to fuck you in heels from that point onwards.

Ok so this is ridiculous but I have this headcanon that you both made out in the ocean once and got so into it that you didn't notice rafayel turned into a merman until his fishtail grazed your legs and you fucking screamed for your life. He had to make it up with some sloppy toppy head underwater ofc!!!

Will literally stop mid stroke to get his sketchbook and sketch you when he has the urge to capture your beautiful form splawed out for him. Like, this is for him, like.... oh my godddd yu're so perfect???

[tvdismylife]

Jason Todd ‘Red Hodd’: ABC

Warnings: mentions of smut and curse words

A (aftercare):

He’s not really good at it, but, he’ll try his best to make you feel comfortable. Some water, snacks and cuddles are his maximum

B (Body Part):

His favorite body part of yours has to be your tits. Not just in the sexual way, he’ll just have is head on your chest while you scratch his head. During sex tho? He’ll go crazy, he’ll suck, kiss and lick, while you moan his name mixed with blasphemies.

His favorite part or his? Abs. Why? 1) he’s proud of himself for how defined they are; 2) when you kiss him there he loses his mind. You want him to moan out? That will do the trick

C (Cum):

He isn’t really particular with it, but he’s not a big fan of coming inside of you. He’d rather make a mess on your tits

D (Dirty secret):

He’e in love with role plays. Especially cop/criminal ones (he adores those furr handcuffs)

E (Experience):

Not that much but knows how to please. He did mess around a bit. Not so much tho. You know, with all the training and Wayne stuff

F (Favorite position):

Missionary, a classic. Jason doesn’t really like all the complicate ones. And, he gets to look at your tits you.

G (Goofy):

Usually, he is fooling around, making jokes and not being serious. But, if he had a bad day, he’ll be more serious.

H (Hairy):

Doesn’t really care, he’ll ask you how you like it and that’s it.

I (Intimacy):

It may start as casual fucking, but oh boy. He’ll fool around, but still, he’ll be sweet.

J (Jack off):

He’ll probably jack off whenever he wants, if the situation allows it. You can’t even remember how many times you found him jack off in your shared bed, not that you mind.

K (Kink):

Bondage. He loses his fucking mind whenever you’ve got your fuzzy handcuffs.

L (Location):

Everywhere. Not even kidding. You can not forget that time when he convinced you to fuck him on Bruce’s couch (and how you almost got caught). So yeah, pretty everywhere

M (Motivation):

Lingerie, handcuffs, praise and degradation. He can’t decide if he likes better when you compliment or insult him.

N (No):

Crossing boundaries, that’s just a no. And traumas (this one explains itself)

O (Oral):

He loves giving, but…. receiving wins. It’s one of the hottest things you can do.

P (Pace):

Quick, no doubts. I can’t really imagine him being slow, he isn’t that patient

Q (Quickie):

Always. He lives off by them. X-mas at Bruce’s? Living room. Weekend-long hangouts with the Titans? His room. Bar? Bathroom. Let’s just say, he loves them

R (Risk):

Oh, he lives off by it.

S (Stamina):

Okay, I guess. He can go 4/5 rounds, then will tap out

T (Toy):

Isn’t really a fan, but is willing to try them on you

U (Unfair):

Loves it. Seeing you moaning while begging him to fuck you? Uhm yeah, he lives off of those moments

V (Volume):

He is really vocal, he doesn’t think it’s un-masculine, he likes letting you know how much you’re pleasing him

W (Wild card):

He l-o-v-e-s cuddles and PDA. You can’t remember how many times one of your friends told you to get a room.

X (X - ray):

He’s big but medium-length

Y (Yearning):

He yearns. A lot

Z (Zzz):

He needs some minutes to relax himself, but will fall asleep pretty easily (if you’re there, of course)

I’m begging you, request something. I’m having zero ideas, so, yeah. Drop a message in my inbox

[manifestingitgurlll]

hi! sorry if you've already received a question like this before.

I'm shifting to a better CR, where a specific traumatic event did not take place. now, from my understanding, manifesting and shifting are essentially the same; I'm essentially manifesting that certain things didn't happen.

I am working to break away from my ego, but I am suffering from the trauma of the event I'm changing. How can I dismiss my ego/"3d" without feeling like I am neglecting myself? I have a fear that it will take me a long time to see results in the physical, and in the meantime, I will have mentally deteriorated. (I know that these fears come from the ego, but im not sure how to address it).

Additionally, I'm having a hard time using logic to combat my doubtful ego, as you've mentioned in previous posts. What I am manifesting is considered "physically and scientifically impossible" by my ego. I think that adds to the difficulty.

Thank you, sorry if this was a lot!!

hey i completely understand!

definitely don't neglect yourself! if it's counseling, do the counseling. if it's self care, do the self care. all you have to do, is know that it's not you. it's the old story.

i love the quote "you're just consciousness playing the role of a human," meaning you're just acting! i also talk a bit abt this in my "the human ego is just a pet" post, about kinda separating the two (consciousness and ego). it has greatly helped me out.

you basically just flip the switch for who you're being aware of. when you do it often enough, it just becomes natural. consciousness only thinks abt certain things, while ego thinks of everything else. i def recommend reading the post, i explain it better there. but lemme give if an example if i were in your situation, how i would think:

let say you're doing some sort of self care to help with the trauma. the ego is thinking about the event and reflecting. you don't have to make it stop! let it continue doing what it's doing.

once you feel like it's satisfied, it feels good, start the separation. i know this sounds crazy but this is what i do and it helps so much.

i'd flip the switch and identify as consciousness. i'd talk to myself or think "ok, this is consciousness talking. ego is still stuck to the old story, but i know the truth. that event never happened. she'll realize it soon enough. alright back to ego." and then literally switch back to identifying as ego, going about my day as if nothing happened.

in my experience, after doing it a couple times, the ego straight up forgets fr. like i've never had it think "why are u talking to yourself" or anything like that

i feel like i sound crazy😭 but that separation really helps me!! it goes right back to the acting thing. you're just an actor playing a role. separating helps so you dont start accidentally identifying with it again.

for your fear about the physical, remind yourself that you, as consciousness, don't live there. i know it sounds bad bcs of your concerns, but the more emphasis and focus you put on the physical by looking for something you say you already have, the more you're identifying with the ego again and staying stuck in the old story. the physical should mean nothing to you.

i always come at it with a mindset of "if it conforms, idc. if it doesn't conform, idc. it has nothing to do with me." (again, this doesnt mean neglect your physical being and its mental health!! just keep knowing its not you or your problem)

and lastly, since it sounds like you're revising an event that happened in the "past," a logical thing i would think of is something like "what if it was just a dream?" or "what if i just forgot nothing happened and my brain is making stuff up, trying to fill in the blanks."

i know this was a lot, and sorry i took some time to answer, i really wanted to give a good response. i hope this helps!! 🤎

[dereality-existence]

ik that i said that i wanna ask just one more ask, buuuuuuuuuuut i couldn’t stop the urge from asking more questions, bc Adam is basically a whole frickin ocean and i wanna know that im not crazy for being this hyperfixated ;-; (i wanna see ur opinion too >:))

Why do you think Adam let Lute leave Vaggie in hell, after Vaggie let go of a demon child, instead of killing him, despite her being an exorcist? And why, despite Adam saying that: “You were on top, I wouldn’t forget a bad bitch like you. It’s why i named you after the best thing ever, Vaggie.” he left her bleeding in hell anyway?

i kinda got a lot of mixed vibes from Adam, cuz while yes, i know he’s basically just masking his whole identity at this point in the series, and while a ton of ppl will just assume that he just hates Vaggie for some reason, i kinda feel like he secretly regrets what he did, but still tries to convince himself he was right for letting Lute rip of Vaggie’s wings and leave her in hell (casually spinnin her halo with his finger while at that with the most menacing stare known to mankind), bc like.. he also basically congratulates her for having ‘Lilith’s little hottie’ (Charlie), admits she was a bad bitch and also offers her to work for him again, in exchange for shutting poor Charlie up (like ik that maybe im wrong and that maybe it’s just him being egotistical, but cmon bro there’s too many subtle signs even if we only had like 15 minutes of screen time with him, i cant help it man ;-;) - at that point, i didn’t know if he truly hated Charlie, or truly hates Vaggie (maybe both idk which to pick)

And, another thing to point out, while bro was singing in court (in the song “I didn’t know”, aka close to the end of it), Adam says the word “Liar” with the most disgusted tone i’ve ever heard from this guy express, like cmon dude i can’t be crazy that i think every line he says in season 1 has significant meaning to his character ;-;

btw tho, you draw Lute so pretty man, like with dah makeup stuff she pretty pretty, i wanna steal her makeup >:3 (and in ur art style u make me wanna put my hand on Adam’s hair bc it looks so frickin soft and comfy i wanna touch it >:3)

Because of betrayal. Both wives chose someone/something else, not him. So dude probably gained huge trauma from "everyone always choosing anything but me," and this will be a huge trigger for him afterwards. Heaven always had strict rules and codes. So I'm sure he had certain expectations of his exorcists. Vaggie's act of sparing the sinner kid would be like another betrayal for Adam. "She chose them, not us. Let her rot then."

I didn't see sincere hate in him for either Charlie or Vaggie. The only one who set his ass on fire was Lucifer; he completely lost all of his control. There was a genuine hatred in him for this guy. I would really like to see his attitude towards the girliiiies—Lilith and Eve; it would clear more of his personality.

Charlie is a "stupid brat" for him; Vaggie is a "traitor." For me it's not hate, but rather indifference. Adam's stare at Vaggie, spinning her halo like it's nothing, and his "liar" in a disgusted tone showing his contempt, not hate, and most importantly not to Vaggie personally, but to her act of betrayal. As you could see, for Vaggie personally, he's feeling "okay," saying that she was his best and congratulating her on being with Charlie. It's the act that Vaggie committed that he despises, not her personally. Oh, and the mere fact that Adam praises Vaggie, pissing off Lute so much, I'm sure of it. Because how fortunate that Lute was in the right place at the right time, witnessing Vaggie's "betrayal," right? The girl probably was waiting for such an opportunity to shove Vaggie away from Adam's attention once and for all, just to become his one and only. Damn, that's hot and crazy (Adam would probably say, and I'd partially agree with him).

Sometimes he gets irritated at Charlie, but it's only irritation because she's getting in his way and interfering with his deals. You know it's like a pigeon that proceeds to run from you in front of your feet instead of just flying away or running aside, and you're like, "GODDAMN DUDE GET AWAY WTF." I think Adam sees Charlie just like that.

Awww, thank you. For me, all my stuff looks shitty, not good, from my POV, so it's nice to hear that it's not as awful as I think! I'm trying my best х3

(Adam's hair is overall awesome and tempting to carrrrrress them~~~~)

[nightcolorz]

Hiii. I love your acc and the analyses you've made of TVC characters; reading your posts has expanded and helped me articulate the ideas I already had. Anne Rice as an author was very revealing, I mean, by reading her books and analyzing the characters and their dynamics, you get a lot of information about her as a person. That's very interesting. I think all authors put a bit of themselves into their works, but with Anne Rice it feels more personal, maybe because there are quite a few books following the same characters. What do you think?

omg thank you so much 🥹❤️ the makes me so happy. I agree wholeheartedly with ur take on Anne rice. The books are suuuper personal, sometimes to the point where I almost feel like I shouldn’t have access to them 😭 like I’m reading someone’s weird diary. I think this was because her writing functioned as her only outlet. like iwtv was so visceral and sad bcus it was such a raw unfiltered expression of her grief, and the rest of the books all follow the same format (to varying degrees of quality lol).

When it comes to the characters, she was open about how every character is in some way representative of a part of her (especially Lestat and Louis). U can analyze for days how Louis and lestats evolutions r akin to witnessing evolutions of Anne rices mental health, Louis her former self insert created during probably the darkest time in her life later becoming a representation of what she considers the worst parts of herself that she is ashamed of and being basically cut from the series, and Lestat going from an embodiment of her fraught relationship with her husband in iwtv to in tvl a power fantasy who she wishes she was like to at the same time a mouth piece for her existential dread and loneliness and anxieties

The way that lestats religious crisis and manic breakdown from Memnoch to blood canticle aligns perfectly with Anne rice’s own religious crisis and sudden shift in her work is so crazy to me😭 and then there’s Anne rice literally using Lestat as a blatant mouth piece to scream at the audience in the iconic blood canticle opening monologue of course, how could we forget. A lot of the time the personal nature of these books makes the technical quality of them worse, but even still it is one of the major reasons why I love them so much. Part of it is that reading something so personal and unfiltered, where u get the impression that the author wasn’t thinking at all about how it would come off to people while writing it, makes it feel almost more real to me? Or more authentic? Reading tvc sometimes makes me feel like I’m reading actual history or personal accounts from real people. And the bad writing and offensiveness and heaps of bullshit and the pages of unrelated tangents adds to this in a way 😭. Like yeah this is exactly what reading a biography by a hundreds of years old vampire would be like lmao.

I love interpreting themes in these books so much because I often feel like Anne rice didn’t place them there on purpose. She had a very “I’ll just write whatever is in my mind and the themes will happen on there own” approach, and they did! and for someone like me analyzing it is super rewarding. Figuring stuff out that the author wasn’t even aware of, basically. Tvc are rich with meaning in a way that only these books are, and the personal nature and the lack of thought into meaning or themes is I think majorly responsible. For me when it comes to fiction, I like to do the work. And Anne rice throwing her personal as hell freak sex vampire yaoi with the most agonizing portrayals of trauma and mental illness ever no editing no forethought out into the world definitely gives me room to do the work 😭

Also, I tend to really only enjoy art if I feel like it is a messy reflection of the creator. I’m not sure why but I can never really get into something unless I can see some of the creators flaws or baggage reflected in the work 😭 I feel like art isn’t rlly art to me if I don’t feel like a know the person who made it a little too well after seeing it. There’s something really special about finding out the worst parts of someone in a book, honestly. I love reading these and being like there is so much wrong with this woman and I know way too much about it 😭 she’s horrible but I’ve lived in her mind and I don’t wanna leave.

I admire in a way Anne rices unhinged abandon with how blatantly vent-like and unfiltered her books were (literally unedited 😭). She got extremely lucky making a career from it, typing out all her insane thoughts and feelings into gay vampires and becoming rich and famous. A girl can only dream for that life, I do that shit for free on a03. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anything published that has the same energy as tvc in this way. The only thing that comes close would be like, a quotev fan fiction I read for laughs written by a ten year old in 2010 who is unintentionally revealing way too much to me about their semi concerning home life 😭. It’s wonderful! Thank u Anne rice for ur beautiful scary lack of shame u have given me so many things to write about on tumblr

[thetangibleghost]

okay. TW for implied sexual violence. but like you kinda gotta read between the lines.

Park:

Just got off the phone with someone I know in the states. The Truman show delusion is really bad for me, but I said that I would keep my US number on till the 12, even though it's like 6 dollars a day. And I would do that for most people I guess. He was like. He exists. When I talk to him on the phone, I hear his voice. this is worse.

Vent:

💥, I really wanted it to happen again. I liked the way 💥 looked at me, and I liked the way you could see that 💥 was thinking. It didn't seem unfair, looking back I understand more, but there was no betrayal or anything. It was like I poked the bear. I had... fun. it felt really good, but that's kinda why it was fucked up. I feel like everyone can see me all the time, like they can just think about me and know what I'm doing. Friday helps by narrating what the crowd of sometimes specific people are taking about. But I think it's just a feeling, Friday helps give insight though.

〰️:

I look for ➖ everywhere, I saw her in 💥, I see her in everybody. When I got to know 💥 better I realized they were pretty different and liked them both. I didn't think ➖ and I ever expected eachother to be committed or anything, or four the to be any sure if relationship beyond what happened. nobody in the system believes me that she existed. Nobody believes 'Vent' about 💥 either. It's hard to keep faith that ➖ is even alive, it seems unlikely. I didn't think either of them would like present day us very much either. I'm suprised the guy who we talked on the phone with still talks to us, I think it's more of a convenience thing. I had a lot of questions to ask ➖. I never really got the chance, or I was to scared. I really wanted to ask her if she believed in God and what her God what like. I think she would've thought I was joking. The other alters think it's all metaphor, that it's me latching onto stories. They're the ones that actually believe the Truman show shit idk why I'm the fucking crazy one for being like "u know how we have the forget you childhood trauma disorder? well there were some people we forgot". I always back up other alters when they come forward with stories or forgotten faces, but they never return the trust, the integrity. It's like I'm just the fucking crazy girl. I feel so fucking alone without her, even after learning about how people get endoctrinated into this kinda stuff I still feel like my parents should have understood, that they were choosing to do that to me. like, Abraham didn't have to bring Isaac up the mountain, he could've said "my God would never make someone do that, my God wouldn't want me to kill my child." but I bet he was excited to try. And I bet he'd wanted to before. I don't even like that God, That's the God they were always saying was my God. They never told me about the Bible or much about Jesus or anything. And they told me so many lies. They didn't like the Bible, but it had to be that one because they mentioned Jesus. We never even went to church. A few years ago I was looking through a box of my mom's things and found out id been promised to the Evangelicals. its not the same as a baptism, I think it might have been for my grandparents or something. It's not like this was some long running family thing, like why did this happen? Who's God were you serving? was it anyone's at all? it sometimes felt like you really did believe what you were saying. I blame the internet.

Love:

I keep thinking he's fucking outside my fucking door. I think he's an introject of ➖. He keeps telling me real and he's coming to save me. he keeps telling me to do things. So many of my alters just ask me to do things. When they're not fronting, they like to sit next to me and lie about everything. Sometimes It's like I back up and I can see the shape of this whole thing, these parts that don't have so much control, just working with old tools, ticking clocks, old mindsets. Im embarrassingly dependant on him. I just remembered a section of the innerworld, some bit of story but I didn't remember the context. some post apocalypse or woods outside of a war zone... I think didn't starve characters are involved smh. teen getting his face pressed to a grill over a fire. I HEAR LAUGHING ALL THE TIME OUTSIDE, normal but the timing always seems... well timed! Every time I hear it. Since he woke up last November I've associated Friday with laughter, not always good. I was in the hospital and there was a guy laughing, like uncontrollable joker-type laughing, I was so convinced it was him, because it started after I had thought about him laughing! Everything just seems so connected. Whenever I look outside or open the door he's never there. I think it might be the audience messing with me, everyone has decided I don't deserve to balance on the tightrope, so they shake it. and I'm so scared. Nothing makes sense. There's a dead snake in the road. My eardrums are blown out like daisies. I'm growing crystals in my throat, purple. People don't bleed, that's a myth. You soft boys love to beat people with your pillow fists, claiming physics isn't real, claiming the lion is the winner, claiming teeth never dull, claiming claiming claiming. I want to rip your feathers out with my teeth, make you incapable of flight. I'm so jealous that you all get wings. These flashbacks are so embarrassing, full body plays, I just feel like a nymphomaniac. I'm so tired of it all being so serious. 💥 was nice because Vent got to say what she/he always wanted to say, no punishment, love like how the tires love the road enough that the bones break and the organs spread like butter. as opposed to an impact, to a hunt, to photographs of dead bodies in snow, like the cold was the killer when really the killer was warm. It's all just an means to an end with this kinda stuff. Friday said that after it happened 💥 noticed rope burns on our wrists, but that 💥 was uninvolved. I don't remember ever having rope burns, but someone drew a picture once. We were older in that picture than Vent is implying though. The guy we just got off the phone with reminds me of ➖ too. but in a weird way I'm not used to. I think we're forgetting her, we've always been forgetting. but I think it's to the point now where there's barely any left at all. I know that's not what everyone says, I'm sure 〰️ disagrees. Idk if she really existed anyway. Idk if any of this stuff is real, or just another means to some unknown end.

Last four lines of Tulips by Sylvia Plath

"And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes

Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.

The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,

And comes from a country far away as health."

as I get older the meaning I take changes, but my favorite line has always been "And I'm aware of my heart: it opens and closes"

I wanted to get it tattooed on the outside of my shoulder for a while. like sort of American traditional style but just the line art, and then the red roses. But idk. what if someone skins it off of me or something.

[doodle17]

Hi there [walks up to you with a clipboard and pen] I’d like to ask you a few questions about your lobotomy family au.

Do you think anything Raz owned had his birthdate on it? Like the blanket with his name on it was like made specially for him and had his birth information on it? Or did Cal have no idea how old this child was or when his birthday was when he found him? Cause I was thinkin what if the inmates all got together and came up with a birthdate for him and decided one arbitrarily so they could celebrate every year. That would be cute I think.

Do u think Raz ever stumbled into some random places at camp. Like what if he accidentally fell into a stump and wound up in Ford’s lab? Ford goes “who is this sassy lost child” and helps him out and then immediately forgets it actually happened the next day and writes the experience off as a weird dream. Or maybe Raz finds him again later in like the lodge and ford gives him a free psi pop or smth lol. Ford being the only adult who knows Raz exists and not really taking note of it because of the state of his mind, or telling like Sasha and Sasha not taking it seriously like “I bet he’s just been listening to too many of the campers’ stories”. Good concept I think

Raz knowing the camp’s entire layout like the back of his hand before he actually gets to attend camp as a camper. Coach is like “here let me show you back to the kids’ cabins” and Raz is like “no thanks I already know where they are” [backflips into the trees]

Hm do you think Raz got to practice many psychic skills before camp? Or did he not really get to understand it because of Cal’s strained relationship with psychic powers. Idk if you answered this elsewhere but what’s going on there. Raz experiments and makes a levitation bubble and cal immediately flips out and tells him to never do that again? Or is he a supportive dad and helps Raz figure it out. Hm. Cal and Augustus both have psychic trauma so maybe that part wouldn’t be changed from the original. What do you think lol

I’d imagine Raz did get lots of practice with his psi-crobatics tho. Psychic stuff and acrobatics both coming naturally to him plus all his practice climbing around in the trees probably meant he was able to develop that skill pretty well, even if he doesn’t really understand how it works lol. This au needs to keep the adults being shocked with how well he can maneuver some of those obstacles like in basic braining because of his acrobatic upbringing

Anyways sorry I didn’t ask you many questions I mostly just rambled at you LMAO enjoy I guess lol

NO DONT BE SORRY I LOVE RAMBLE ASKS LIKE THIS

Okay, to answer your first question, the blanket Raz got was kind of a passed down thing. It actually has Dion and Frazies birthdays on it, but it didn't have his because Nona couldn't sew it on in time before the accident :( its kind of funny though, because the inmates argued about which one could be his birthday, despite the fact that, that would mean this baby was actually 8 or 6 lol

And OMG FORD KNOWING THAT RAZ EXISTS BUT SINCE HES KIND OF CRAZY NO ONE BELIEVES HIM IS SO FUNNY TO ME- And yes, Raz has stumbled into Fords secret lab multiple times

“here let me show you back to the kids’ cabins” and Raz is like “no thanks I already know where they are” [backflips into the trees] <- THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD ABSSISHKAN

Anywas, yes! Raz has already gotten himself familiar with the camp. He will admit it's a lot more different in the day time though.

For Psychic powers, he had a bit of an understanding of it. He knew how to levitate a bit but not for very long. He was pretty good at telekinesis and pyro. Cal doesn't really care to much about it. He's actually pretty proud! But he's still VERY protective because he doesn't want him to be discovered by the wrong people and have the same thing that happened to him, happen to his son. He is very similar to Augustus in that sense, he wants to be supportive, but he also wants to keep his kid safe, y'know?

And acrobatics do come surprisingly naturally to Raz. As a kid, he found he was surprisingly agile, and that whole thing Donna said about "highly stretchable ligaments" was no joke! He also has double jointed everything, no joke. It's kind of funny how naturally he can flip and twist his body. He's obviously not as good as he would have been if he was still raised by the Aquatos, but he's still pretty good.

I am just happy to spread the brainrot that this au has inflicted upon me :)

[v1trum]

Lots of tw's.. also please read the entire post if you start reading it. Im not a bad person. This is a specific case and i KNOW this person and have talked this stuff over w ppl that also know him. He manipulated me into hating the ppl i know i love most (as friends) now and did a lot of fucked up shit a lot of which I'll list

Tws include : sh, severe mental illness, "kys" jokes (wasnt rly a joke), ed, trauma, etcetc

Im only saying this shit on here because literally no one knows who im talking about and never will. This is an irl person who doesn't even have Tumblr im pretty sure.. I'd prefer if you only read this if ur a moot or i follow u or vice versa pls 😭

Im gonna throw the imaginary fights i have in my head on here

all the same person cus they side eye me at school and ik damn well he's trying to get ppl to not like me but idc cus im in the right and i have proof 💋

Like i just KNOW he views me as childish n shit

Likr

childish?? ME?? You're the one that said my 7 year old brother should kill himself because he played the same roblox game as you..a 14yo... But, yes, im the childish one...

its a genuine scenario I can't get out of my head and i need to talk abt it

Contrary to what you think, i DO like you. I don't hate you because my online best friend expressed how HE doesn't like you... Its actually crazy that you came into my home for a complete weekend, were as EXTREMELY disrespectful as you were, we didn't say anything and then you're out here saying me and my entire family hate you... Like no babes my parents went out and bought food from the store that we never eat bc you would eat it... No babes, i made cookies from scratch bc cookies are one of the only things you'll eat... No babes, we didn't even comment on the fact that you had three sodas and had two sips out of each of them before you wasted them...

Your "eating disorder" is DEFINITELY fake, too. There might be part of it in there but wdym "my grandparents starve me" when you asked if you could have a random bag of chips and they immediately bought it for you? I fear you just need to tell them when a food is out? They both work a ton bc they had to take you in a few months ago I don't think they notice much when the pantry or fridge is running low. Wdym "ew i hate that" to every food in existence but you scarf up wretched school breakfast and lunch daily...? Again with "i shove it down my throat bc my grandparents starve me" are you forgetting how close we got so quickly? How ik you? You wouldn't eat 95% of that before you starved to death if it was at my house... But you're gonna eat it all up there.

Same with your "personality disorder".... Wdym we're in the middle of English and you go "bro i just spawned in. What am i wearing and why? Omggg why do i have sh on my arms???" Like be so fr rn. You aren't immune to being aware of PHYSICAL PAIN. And i get like.. having a different style but fym "why am i wearing this what is it" ..? (I have talked to a SYSTEM friend abt this and they can confirm its v fake seeming)

Its actually crazy when i didn't kick you out after you said that about my brother, you're actually insane. I get you have very recent trauma but holy hell refrain from making relationships if you're gonna fuck someone up.

You had your "friend" give me back my sweater bc you were too childish to do it yourself and look me in the eye. You moved seats without permission. You glare at me in the class where you can't move seats.

Also, that "friend".. you call her a slut and talk shit abt her to her face because she has HEALED sh scars. Then you walk around campus with gaping wounds acting like you're self conscious of it when you're actually begging for attention. This is NOT me saying ppl who sh are attention seekers btw.. i KNOW him and me and several other people agree he's doing it for attention. My friends have said they'd have relapsed after seeing them if it had been a bad time for them, thats how bad it was.

I genuinely hope he gets better bc he is fucked up in the head, however i also wish the best on his next victim of "we're friends". I hope they get away or meet him after he has gotten better.

To this guy - i hope you better yourself instead of trying to make yourself as bad as possible because you find comfort in that, or rot.

[icanseethefuture333]

omg hi, can u do a reading on doja cat please... why whyy was she in those racial in*el chatrooms 😭 do u think she was bullied for being black/biracial when she was younger and bc of her dad not being present or something? ugh and her groomer bf. ugh crazy bc she has so much potential and talent to be even bigger imo. ugh doja 😭😭

This is such a good question because I was just thinking about how much I miss Doja's Hot Pink era 🤔 that was such an exciting time to witness as a fan! Her Scarlet era would of been much more enjoyable for me if she wasn't involved in so many controversies. I used to be a huge fan of her, but Doja's atttiude lately is just plain nasty. To answer your question about my opinion and everything. I believe Doja grew up in the suburbs and most poc can tell you that living in predominantly white spaces it is very racist and you will encounter microaggressions on a daily basis. Doja said that in her youth she didn't really have many friends and her brother would tease her for it. So I believe her feeling the need to turn to the internet and everything for finding a safe space would make sense? People also forget to realize that Doja isn't just a black/biracial girl, she is also neurodivergent. When you're black, alt, queer, have adhd/autism, etc. People are gonna perceive you as "weird" or you don't "belong". So I do think her having a absent father + living around mostly white people could of greatly affected Doja's self asteem. However, I don't believe her past justifies her current actions to this day. I won't dive too deep into someone's personal trauma because it's not my place and it's not something I personally like to do because not only does it make me uncomfortable but it's also unethical and immoral, but I can do my best to do a reading on why... Doja is the way she is.

Doja Cat behind the scenes: Amala

Personality

I think the small bits of her we see on live is really how she as a person behind closed doors. When she's really enjoying herself and being creative, is just how she's always been. Doja could be a "geek" or a "nerd". She has niche little interests that are special to her and gets so excited to talk about it. So for example, if you mentioned an anime she's watching, Doja would like light up like a kid in a candy store. Another thing is I feel like her spirit in general is very youthful? She does have a quirky personality but it's not as extroverted as when she is "Doja". Amala is more of an introvert, in fact, I believe her being in public spaces makes her feel a lot of pressure. Doja is really a "all bark no bite" type of person. Being a troll online gives her the ability to do the stuff she's not confident to do in person. She doesn't really know how to set boundaries as well in person than she does online. "People pleaser". It's really hard for Doja to say no or not entertain people. I also feel like when she is "Doja" her behavior is crazy, unfiltered, blunt, wild, and the life of the party. She becomes a mean girl from a 2000s movie come to life but more unhinged. As Amala though, it's the other way around. She's the nerd and is the one who hopes to impresse all the other "cool kids", even her character Doja. I feel like she actually gets embarrassed sometimes by the things she does for attention. "Why did I say that? Why did I do that?" When it comes being alone and in her own space, it's something she's used to. I genuinely don't even think she has like a close friend or if she does its not that many friends she has. Doja really only has her pets for comfort, security, and protection. I feel that Doja has a lot of inner child wounds that she needs to heal from because there is a lack of balance between this character she portrays herself as and who she really is behind the scenes. I believe it could be causing her some sort of identity complex.

Shy

Introverted

Creative

Youthful

Struggles to set boundaries

Falls into peer pressure easily

Has trouble fitting in or making genuine connections with others

Enjoys artistic hobbies such as painting, makeup, & music

Pets or animals are significant to her, they provide a healing presence

Identity complex issues

Is only aware of her self attributes but not her self concept (I.E: Knows her name, job, likes, dislikes, etc, but does not know what her morals or values are)

Career

The contract she signed was not beneficial to her at all, so Doja Cat is pretty much stuck with it until it is over. Doja Cat began her music career in 2014 and didn't become famous until 2019. So it took a lot of determination and sleepless nights for her to get to the top. She suffered a great deal of anxiety during this time and was over worked by her label, which has caused her to have mental breakdowns in the process. Doja's rise to fame was inevitable due to her ability to portray a duality of being sweet but also spunky. I believe her label wanted her to have this "ingenue" persona, which did attract a lot of money and appealed to a younger fanbase. Doja was sick of this though and felt like her dreams were starting to slip away from her. Doja enjoyed this era and seeing the fruits of her labor come intro fruition, but she knew if she continued to play the role of a "good girl" she would soon fade in with the other female artists in the industry. "I am a grown ass woman and I am not a little girl anymore!". Doja's "Scarlet" era was to create drastic change for herself and others around, it was uncomfortable, but was necessary in her eyes. She feels more confident, mature, and sexy with this new look of hers and does not care if it is received well or not. Doja could have more creative control in career now.

Love life

Doja's song "Addiction" could be an accurate description of her love life. I feel like she suffered from a lot of disappointment and codependency is a pattern within her relationships. Her partners become a "coping method" for her and it's how Doja escapes from the world. I'm almost getting she may suffer past trauma (possible symptoms of PTSD). She could experiences age regression in certain aspects, which unfortunately makes Doja fall victim to abusive or toxic partners. She was vulnerable and has been taken advantage of in her relationships, as well as having her heart getting broken many times. Doja also makes a lot of the wrong decisions whenever she does attract a healthy partnership because of her fear of being hurt or being attached to the wrong person. Self sabotage is a big factor. I also actually don't believe the man she is dating now will be the person she will be with long term. He is more so a reflection of her trauma and she just has been attracting the same person in different fonts. Doja could potentially feel torn between two people she's dated or will be dating. One person is from her past that she rejected and one will be someone new. The person from her past misses her deeply and wishes they could start over. This will be a shock to Doja and not something she will be expecting. They will dote on her and put in a lot of effort to make her happy. They both share similar wounds regarding their parents and could have fear of an abandonment. With this person, Doja could find herself feeling very loving to her partner and wanting to never leave them. She desires to do right by this person and make them happy. I could see her having a baby with them as well, possibly a baby boy? Doja will discover a part of herself that is more nurturing and emotional. They could be a divine counterpart or they will cause a spiritual awakening for her.

Tinychat rumors

So this is silly... but Doja was in those chatrooms because she liked the attention and praise she got lol 💀. People would always praise her and give her compliments, so that's mostly why she was present. I also think Doja Cat was like someone's "discord kitten" if that makes sense 🤣? She had a big crush on someone there (Doja could of even wrote "cyber sex" about them?), but I don't actually believe all of the people in these chatrooms were necessarily racist (which I remember watching videos about this when it happened and Doja wasn't actually the only poc there, there was also a few other poc present, but the one where she was only talking to white people went viral). So were there racists? Yes. Was there incels? Yes. Was that her intention to talk all of these people though? No. She was just crushing on one specific peeson and they would invite her to these chatrooms who were supposedly friends of theirs. So Doja would just hang around to fit in and she has a bad habit of doing shit for validation from others. Which consequently led to the video of her saying the n slur in the chatroom going viral. Mentally I feel she was overwhelmed during this time and was regressing? She literally would behave like a kitten for this person and could tell they were getting bored of her. Now the person Doja crushed on (who I feel was most likely a admin or mod) didn't spew hatred or anything of those things, but he wouldn't speak up to defend any of the poc in those chatrooms. So that would mean yes, they are racist by default because they allowed it to happen. Doja got special treatment in comparison to others though because 1. She was famous 2. The person's "crush" (more like a pet I should say...). As far as it goes for how Doja was treating other poc, she was ignorant about a lot of comments she made and regrets it, she mostly knew stereotypes but didn't actually have the proper knowledge of what's true for other poc (I got a whiff of a stinky scent and I believe that's a sign for her knowing her behavior was really "shitty" and knows that her not knowing better is a bullshit excuse 😭). People literally told her engaging in these chatrooms would be bad for her image and Doja was just really in her delulu phase before shit got real. I feel like someone even came to her house uninvited??? and was like literally stalking her (how scary!). That was when she realized shit got real and it was not a cute little fantasy anymore. Her life could of been in really danger at one point. It took a lot for her PR team to fix this situation and make sure she didn't get canceled or become a flop overnight, as well as having to hire extra security for her.

[mew-f-0]

I feel the need to vent post. My family is coming to visit for my sisters birthday. Its gonna just be my mom and sisters. I know it will be a good time but i still feel weird anytime i have to deal with family even if its a good thing it stirrs up darkness in my brain..they are coming in like 2 weeks and im already crying. It will be good to see my sisters. My mom idk i will probably have a mini breakdown i can feel it coming on already. I dont even know why this time. I just wish i had a normal childhood i guess. I might drop the bomb on my sisters how my cousin molested me when i was young. I told my mom already but i dont think everyone knows. Do they need to? I think about it when family events come up.. That is the darkness.. Its gonna be okay nobody will hurt me and i know its not my fault i just have buckets of trauma, sometimes the darkness is stirred out from the bottom of the bucket.. I feel better just venting like this already. Idk what to do. I know these upcoming nights are gonna be rough its already happening. Thats why im vent posting oh yeah it all comes together. I might write more later idk. Sometimes i think about going back to the mental hospital and just never leaving untill i figure out my brain problems. Im not at that point rn but the thought does cross my mind sometimes. I know i will be back there one day but now is not the time. I dunno how i became such a mess. Years of trauma building and building i guess it all adds up and makes u go crazy..i just moved into a rly good house so i just need to think about the good things in life.. Nobody is hurting me rn. I have a place to live and a cat to pet and food to eat and people to talk to that are nice. I try to focus on th good stuff but the darkness is so massive it seeps in sometimes when i try to not let it. Intrusive thoughts. I will have to deal with them forever and ever i guess. I legit wish i could erase parts of my memory. U think u forget stuff but it never really goes away sadly. Writing this all down rly does help somehow. Bless this mess of a brain.

[house-on-sand]

LEVI LEVI LEVI LEVI

THIS SONG FROM TTPD GIVES ME SO MUCH JASON VIBES

sorry for the lack of quality screenshot but:

FUCK!

i can see it i can (not just bc im obsessed with him either)

this will be another long post i fear 😔

(idc if anyone disagrees w me on this, i know the truth /j)

if you wanted me dead, you should've just said / nothing makes me feel more alive

starting here instead of at the first verse because i can see it really clearly okay. it ties into utrh and the memorial case okay hear me out. bc in utrh jason gives bruce a choice, him or me. jason kills the joker or bruce kills jason. and bruce chooses wrong (he might not kill jason but he doesn't save him either. not how jason wanted him to). in preventing jason from killing the joker and ultimately choosing to save the joker instead of him, even going so far as to throw a batarang at him, in my bones i know for jason that was as good as bruce rejecting him and idk not entirely saying he wishes jason was dead outright but that. might be how jason sees it i guess. he doesn't take it well obviously.

then in my head it ties into the memorial case if / when jason sees it. especially if he's on the outs with bruce and it feels like everyone is expecting him to he who he used to be and then he's reminded with the fact that they're all still grieving a dead boy, forgetting that jason is here and alive. so it's that moment of you prefer the son you lost over me, you wish i was still the boy who died and i can't be that, just tell me outright that you'd rather me be dead still so you can mourn him instead of deal with me.

the who's who of "who's that?" is poised for the attack / but my bare hands paved their paths / you don't get to tell me about "sad"

YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME ABOUT SAD! FUCK! this is again a little meta i guess but it's reminding me of all the fics and stuff where like. everyone else is allowed to be more upset about jason's death than he is. like when people have to tell jason about how bruce grieved him n stuff and idk make jason's death about everyone BUT him. he deserves to blow up sometimes! and fucking yell! bc HE was the one who died! HIS life was the one that was destroyed! yes his loss was devastating for the people who knew him but now that he's back let HIM be upset about it and don't try and make your grief his problem. don't act like his death hurt you the most! bc it didn't!! he fucking died! he was dead and buried and decomposing and then he was alive and buried and broken and so fucking alone!

so as u can see fics that turn grieving jason into sort of trauma olympics type shit AND a justification for bruce and jason making up really quickly irritate me bc that wouldn't and shouldn't happen! sorry maybe that's just me and maybe im not explaining this well but DAMN

(oh and the first part is very much when the bats still didn't know who red hood was an jason was establishing himself as a crime lord)

you caged me and then you called me crazy / i am what i am 'cause you trained me

FUCK! don't have too much elaboration for this one other than it's so TRUE! jason is what he is bc he met bruce and bruce made him robin. if he'd never met bruce wayne he wouldn't have become red hood ever. he wouldn't be the same person.

& the first part makes me think of the interaction in utrh where jason says something about how it wasn't the lazarus pit that made him this way maybe he was always like this or something.

also on a funnier not the called me crazy part reminds me of aklshsb dc vs vampires where damian calls jason the crazy one lmao. damian is so funny man

"who's afraid of little old me?" / i was tame, i was gentle, 'til the circus life made me mean / "don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"

literally this one gives me an edit idea that i hope i can execute

the first part is just jason as red hood. doesn't matter too much what he's doing but this fits! to me.

second part is jaybin! stuff where he was just a. fucking kid who liked school and was sweet as hell and not some fucking monster like people act like he was? + him fighting as robin. maybe some of the times where he was harsher with the bad guys. + death & the lazarus pit. i feel like it's important here.

last part is jason during that shit in gotham war where bruce fucked with his head so he quite literally couldn't be a vigilante / antihero whatever anymore.

its all about the evolution of the character! how being robin changed him forever and all the ways he's changed yknow?

is it a wonder that i broke? / let's hear one more joke / then we could all laugh until i cry

don't got a whole lot to say other than this should be like over a scene or abt a scene where jay gets to beat the shit out of joker <3 that's what it is to me.

the scandal was contained / the bullet had just grazed / at all costs, keep your good name / you don't get to tell me you feel bad

rhato #25 (+ the annual n issues after) what can i say.

and im too tired to explain the vision lmao but one day

[machiavelliann]

My Favorite Things about The Batman (2022)

This is a list of all the things I liked about The Batman, after watching the movie four times in two weeks. Overall: fucking loved it.

The Ambience

Gotham City being so gothic. Really weird city landscape. The only parts that made me think NYC were the “Time Square” neon billboards at the beginning, and the bridges – which makes sense since it is an island city. Felt more original than just a nondescript miscellaneous Big City

At the end, Catwoman says she might try living in Bludhaven. Love the mention of other cities!

It felt so comic book! Like there was a super complicated plot, lots of different players, surprises, never being able to be fast enough. And like when the whole city floods? That is peak comic book. I loved it. All of it starting on Halloween? Loved it.

Felt like a super hero version of Seven – detective plot, thriller, danger, and super heroes. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Three hours and it never felt like I was waiting for a scene to end. It just kept going.

Love the return to the more real-world villains. My favorite arcs will always be mobsters and fucking lowlifes, over aliens from another dimension (which is where I get so kind of tired of Marvel movies, even if I like them). But the evil when it's just guys, just men being fucked up and doing fucked up things. Deep inhale. I like gritty shit.

Themes

Juxtaposition of light and dark – he is in the shadows, and yet you can see everything. The beginning scene where he fights the thugs in the subway (you just hear his boots slowly approaching and then he appears out of nowhere); the scene where the lights go out in Penguin’s club and he’s fighting off the thugs to get to Falcone & Selina; the flare!! So good.

Long-lasting impacts of trauma! 

BRUCE AND ALFRED. “God… I thought I’d mastered all that…” Learning that fear of losing someone isn’t a weakness to be overcome

Flare at the end. Vengeance shifting to the promise of hope. He isn’t the shadows. He is the night, but even the night turns to day sometimes. Batman becoming the beacon of god! Damn! Hope!!!! MY Batman. Jesus Christ. 

Learning that being the shadows won’t get him what he wants (hello, Batman as wildly vacillating between beating the teeth out of a guy’s head and then escorting a little kid home to his mother) (that scene from JLA Animated where he rescues the little girl from the burning building – that’s MY batman)

Bruce being RIDICULOUS

Year Two, so he’s been working with Gordon for months now. The implicit trust between the two of them already. Gordon calling him “man” – “come on, man”. Don’t know his name, don’t need to, all ya gotta know is he is a good man. That works both ways. 

The lenses were SICK – and with how fast he watches them, the facial recognition built-in. Sick toys. New stuff too. 

His complete disregard when Selina is undercover in the Below 40 club within a club – like he has no disregard for his life, so he forgets that other people do. 

Waking up in the GCPD precinct surrounded by cops. “I’ll get you on assaulting an officer.” “Actually you can get me on assaulting three.” Jackass. I love him. 

GREAT SCENES:

Penguin calling Batman “sweetheart.” This asshole. Mega asshole. I loved it. Fuckin’ dick. 

The UNHINGED car chase. 1000s in property damage. That explosion definitely killed ten people at minimum. Penguin just talking to himself like “this guy’s crazy!” The Penguins is gloriously greasy.

WHEN THEY’RE WRONG ABOUT THE FLIGHTLESS BIRD. And Penguin’s like “you idiots don’t know fkin Spanish?” “Don’t know the difference between EL and LA??” “NO HABLA ESPAÑOL FELLAS???!!!!” And Bruce just being dead silent and then going “U-R-L” (face palm). The fact that he and Gordon figure it out right then and there while Penguin’s still tied up next to them

Thumb drive. So like there were several moments where it was objectively funny and no one was laughing?? I felt like a serial killer giggling at Gordon’s face when they used the thumb to get a print to open it up. And then Gordon being like “Jesus that just sent all those emails from MY account. Oh christ good lord. I’m gonna get fucking fired” 

I know men are stupid, particularly greedy men with power and ambition… but really… you’re going to tell all your dirty secrets to the girls who work at a mobster’s lounge? That really… it just really doesn’t add up lol. Like I get that while it’s Penguin’s place, it’s basically Falcone’s overall – and because they work for Falcone, they feel safer. But man, like they just met Selina and the DA’s dropping all this knowledge? Some people never learn. The DA was just SOOO pathetic

When they’re up there and Catwoman wants to kill Kenzie, and they’re all listening to the voicemail… and Bruce is ashen because he just learned that this is the man that his father went to for help, even if it didn’t ultimately turn out the way Falcone sold it as, and Falcone probably killed his parents; and Catwoman sobbing because she’s listening to her father murder Annika… THE PARALLELS. Kill me now. Catwoman silently crying as she heard Annika’s death? Tears in my GOT damn eyes. 

And then there's Gordon just standing there like oblivious like “Ha HA! The puzzle has been solved!”

Kenzie saying. “No. We work for him. You think this election matters? Falcone’s the mayor. He’s always been the mayor.” Fuck. Damn. 

Falcone being responsible for so much death, the Wayne's, Catwoman's mom, Annika, so much is on this man's shoulders. But it's never just him. There's always something more.

When Batman is leading Falcone out of the club and it’s like someone went and turned off all the music and turned on all the lights just to watch his walk of shame…. And like literally no one stops them lmao.

When Falcone’s getting arrested and he goes “don’t you know you boys in blue work for ME?” 

Penguin being like “ME? Shoot FALCONE? After I literally pulled a gun and threatened to kill him? BULLSHIT” 

Riddler as a fkin Reddit Discord f boi. Like QAnon incel bs. Worked really well.

My Theories

I was 75% convinced they were going to kill Bruce. Or like, not dead, but dark -- he's out of the picture, no one knows where he is -- and it isn't like in the Nolan movies where he retires, it's like Bruce and Batman are legitimately missing and no one has any idea where the fuck they are. Like before they revealed Riddler as pure incel obsessive boi in the Arkham scene, I thought he could be a darker version of New 52 Zero Year arc. If they were going to set up a sequel, I was picturing Riddler 1) floods the city 2) straight up takes over the city 3) turn the city into a weird u/dystopian green world where all the survivors are just like stuck, and Riddler comes over the intercoms every day asking people to solve his riddle or be thrown to their death. And like... Bruce is missing. And it takes a LONG time for him to come back. Like that would have been a cool set-up for a sequel -- Batman goes dark, the city has to react, and then he shows up in the sequel. (I like what they did -- I like the hope, and the growth potential, but that's where I thought they were going with it).

Falcone & Thomas Wayne: So like, I get the explanation. But I still wasn't 100% convinced. It was logical, but I think it needed more to sell it. Like I need more explanation for how they knew each other; bc even though Falcone has a lot of power, that was 20 years ago before he started using the renewal fund to get everyone working for him. So was he more low level back then? Or #1 in charge but not as murderous and obviously a criminal yet? Like what is the backstory there? I would be happier if I had that.

I can’t believe newly-elected Mayor Real wasn’t a bad guy lol. I was so ready for them to reveal some super crazy backstory. And then it turned out that not only was she good, but she was like actually good. Like on election night when she found out she won but before the Riddler bois showed up, she had the deceased mayor and his son with her, even after all that horrible stuff came out about him. That was a class-A act right there. It connected well to the theme of "there are good people in Gotham" and "hope is real" (haha Real get it) and "there is more than vengeance"

At the end, when Catwoman and Batman are talking... and Catwoman recognizes he isn’t in a place to commit to anything; Bruce knows it's true but he's still unable to stop yearning for what could be. Lot of room to build a relationship in future movies. Like they barely know each other, but wow what an explosive way to begin the relationship. I don't want Bruce and Selina together unless they have a decade-long cat-and-mouse game beforehand, lots of sexual tension, intense grappling, will-they-won't-they.

Interested to see how they handle Selina afterwards. Like I guess she’s gonna have to get a whole new suit, bc everyone saw her face lol. Gordon, those cops in the rafters of Gotham Square Garden, Batman. She better get a new look lmao.

[mysicklove-main]

Is there anything else you wanna rant about with “your new pack” ?

u just want me to make-out with u don't u ��� 🙄🙄

but yes sure i can talk for hours, especially since im working on the next chpt currently. (might take bout a week to post tho considering im so busy)

for everyone else not reading this fic, I will post your requests and other stuff after i finish the next chapter!!!

to begin with, i dont know how the hell to make everyone have equal amount of time shown. I want everyone to like all characters, but i accidentally write way more for specific characters than others which is unfair i feel to my (very fictional characters who dont give a fuck) boys. for example, think bout how much we see Keigo compared to Izuku. Its just hard to do it with 5 different ppl so.

I want to rewrite all my beginning chapters bc I feel like i rushed it thinking it was going to be a short story. But here i am, 79k+ words in and the beginning i feel is so so so bad. like i can't even reread it bc i cringe. but i am also so lazy and rlly dont want to rewrite it lol so i just pretend it doesn't exist.

comments, mean way too much to me. Like all writers i love getting a notification that someone commented on my fic, but now its getting to the point where im like, "damn this chpt didn't get many comments, did i do something wrong?" so that's embarrassing and i def need to chill and be grateful for what i have. Im working on it.

Eijiro, Izuku, Shoto are so fucking hard to write and Katsuki and Keigo are so easy to write. Its so strange that im struggling with Izuku, bc he is my favorite, but im trying to show that he is a little fucked up from his past but I also dont want to write him as super quiet. Idk i feel like i kinda brushed off his trauma and i didn't mean to. so that sucks. with Eijiro his actions are easy, simply cause i wrote him as someone to be very touchy and affectionate off the bat. plus he talks alot so. but his internal thoughts are so fucking difficult to write. like what are you thinking bout?? you know she is your mate, but he is trying to get his best friend to get with you. it is so hard. Shoto is the complete opposite. I dont know how the hell he would react in different situations, bc he is more quiet out of the boys, but I want to also show that he is also trying his best too. his deranged thoughts are easy to do, but everything else is a wreck. i think he is the hardest to write for by far.

speaking of shoto his character is so inconsistent. idk if ppl notice, but i do. in the beginning his is more obsessive and has the most negative thoughts. he kinda crazy, u feel me? now, i dont write as much of his creepy perverted thoughts. i just kinda forget to. so now he feels kinda bland and i need to figure out how to bring back some excitement back to his character. maybe this chapter ill go back to the creepy, obsessive, thoughts. it was so fun to write. this all goes back to how hard shots is to write.

I switch perspectives alot and I hope ppl understand what's going on and who is thinking what. I think I have a mix of second person (obvi, with the "you") and 3rd person. bc i narrate others reactions to the situations, and kinda treat Y/N as a character in the story, not as your self. does that make sense??? idk.

since hybrid stories are my fav, i would like to write more, but in different scenarios. for example, another Y/N x Wolf! Katsuki fic, but this katsuki would be a diff one from the other wolf katsuki in Your New Pack. Like i did with the Bunny! Izuku Headcannons. That izuku is diff than Your New Pack one. but would ppl be bored of it?? ik i will never lol.

i wish i could post a poll on who ppl like the best on ao3, just bc im curious who has the most fanboys. (it would prob be keigo tho lol)

i got bored of katsuki wearing the muzzle in the house, so i just trashed it. def poor writing thing to do, but idc at this point, it would throw off my plans for chpts if he was always wearing the muzzle.

sorry i talk alot, but hey u asked for it.

[hargrove-mayfields]

so sorry im late asking this (i was waiting for you to get more, super surprised you didn’t get more asks tbh) but could I hear more about your wips “I have a crush on Barbara Holland” “baby fic” and “HOH Steve” also if it’s not too much “girlyfriends” and “cali house” and “medical emergency” ik ik that’s a lot but I’d honestly want hear about ALL of you wips in that list if i could. thank u in advance

It’s alright anon! I’ll accept these asks until I run out of WIPs to talk about!

I have a crush on Barbara Holland- This one is a soulmates au, where Steve has his soulmates initials, B.H., on his wrist, and he is whole heartedly convinced that that person is Barb. He’s very much in love with her, and there’s lots of talk about how pretty and nice she is (hence the title lol) but eventually she reveals that he isn’t her soulmate. Before she had hid the initials on her own wrist under a watch or a chunky bracelet, but she feels guilty, and shows Steve that her mark had long ago faded, because her soulmate passed away when they were in elementary school. Steve decides, despite how much value he used to hold in the whole soulmate thing, he doesn’t care about who some stupid mark says he should be with, so him and Barb date until her death. He’s heart broken, but the sadness very quickly turns into so much anger after Billy Hargrove, another B.H. rolls into town with a little S.H. on his wrist. He feels like the universe or whoever is even in charge of this soulmate bullshit is spiting him for thinking he could fall in love with someone he wasn’t destined to be with, so he rejects Billy for a long, long time, even after he himself figured it out that Steve is his match. When he does start to feel that way about Billy, he struggles with so much guilt and has to go through a very long grieving process to be comfortable with his feelings, because he’s not even sure if they’re his genuine feelings or the work of this soulmate bond. Very long and very angsty.

baby fic- Nancy gets pregnant that first time at the party with Tommy and Carol, and her and Steve try really really hard to make things work out for their baby, but it just isn’t meant to be. They make an arrangement that the Harringtons are very not pleased with, where Nancy has the baby at the Byers house half the time (because let’s be honest I think the Wheelers house is not really a safe place to be raising a baby) and Steve has her the rest of the time. Because it was like, a much more mature breakup without the cheating and the drunken confessions, they’re still pretty close friends. When the upside down starts making an appearance again, they have to try to figure out how to navigate it with this little four month old baby, and that means getting some help involved. Billy shows up at the Byers and instead of a fight, Steve’s all exhausted like oh good, you’re finally here, and gives him the worlds fastest run down of this monster fighting shit with a crying baby on his hip, and like, Billy just can’t say no to him asking him to go into the tunnels while he watches the baby. There is eventual Harringrove after a while, but it’s a slow burn for sure. This is also probably the least serious and least angsty thing I have ever started to write.

HOH Stevie- They’re all in the government hospital getting their post Starcourt once overs, Billy and El of course being rushed into surgery, and Steve’s about to get discharged when he gets addressed by name and just, does not respond at all. The doctor is like hmm, and checks his ears, and they find out he has almost no hearing in his left ear, and only about forty percent in the right. All that head trauma from the Russians and then all of the explosions of the fireworks, it leaves him deaf.

Everyone tries to be supportive, but his dad refuses to let him get hearing aids because he doesn’t believe he actually needs them (Steve’s a diagnosed hypochondriac) so for the next several months while his parents are still home waiting for their next trip, he’s struggling. He basically gets iced out by the party because he just can’t hear anything they’re saying, and the kids get tired of repeating themselves, and Nancy got insulted the one time he told her her voice is too quiet, and Robin wants to do things right for him, but she forgets sometimes, and will ramble on about something without looking at him and everytime he’s like great, I didn’t catch a single word of that, lovely talk though. It’s very frustrating and isolating and nobody seems to want to make accommodations for him.

The very same day that his parents leave for their latest vacation, he goes back to hospital. At first he just has to get more testing done, since it had been upwards of six months since the last time they saw him, and on his way out he notices Max in the waiting room chairs. He hadn’t seen much of her at all since Starcourt, so he checks on her, and at first she tells him to go away, because her friends have said some not so nice things about how much time she spends at the hospital, and assumes Steve is there to tell her Billy isn’t worth it too. Because that’s not the case, he ends up going in the room to visit Billy with her.

They do the small talk, the awkward, sorry about the fact that you’ve been in the hospital for six months now and nobody wants to come see you thing, and at some point Billy realizes that Steve can’t hear a damned thing he’s saying. He tests his theory by saying Steve’s name when he’s not looking and just waiting for him to answer but, surprise he doesn’t because he didn’t hear it at all, and Billy’s just like, you’re deaf aren’t you?

The progression of the fic is basically Steve coming to visit Billy everytime he has an appointment for his hearing (and more, but Bill doesn’t know that) but the day of his last appointment to make sure his hearing aids are functioning as well as they ever will for how bad off his hearing is, Billy’s acting different.

When he’d first walked into his room Billy had been surprisingly bright eyed and bushy-tailed for what he went through, but now he’s just acting all mopey. Max makes him tell Steve what’s wrong, and he confesses that he feels like he’s going to get left behind now that Steve’s all better, because then he has no real reason to visit him anymore. But Steve has one very good reason, and the rest of the story is him making sure Billy knows it.

girlyfriends- This’n’s sort of a non-canon compliant character study about aromantic! Billy, focusing on how awful and uncomfortable he felt with his past girlfriends, messing up dates and never going as far as they wanted him to, which at the time he pinned on liking boys instead, but then after he gets with Steve, he feels like this is different and he likes it, but he’s still not too big on all the lovey dovey, romance stuff. He rationalizes it as like, maybe just being a side effect of him being an asshole or something, but he‘s actually super insecure about how he is in relationships. There is a fluffy resolution though where he embraces his identity, it’s really not all doom and gloom, boo hoo I hate myself stuff.

cali house- Years after Starcourt, the boys have moved to a decent house in California using their government hush hush money, and they’re there for only about a month when Billy’s mother shows up at their door.

She says she caught wind that her son was back in town and wanted to come see him, after all this time. Billy of course lets her back in his life immediately, his mom meant so much to his recovery process and now that she’s here, he can’t turn her away, but Steve’s a little suspicious of her intentions.

He thinks that if she wanted to see Billy, she would’ve done that years ago before he ever even left Cali in the first place, or that you know, she wouldn’t have fucking left him behind. He tries to bring it up with Billy gently, but he won’t hear it, and he feels beyond hurt by the suggestion because he thinks Steve is just jealous that he’s spending time with his mother, who he hasn’t seen for upwards of fifteen years at this point.

They fight and avoid each other for a few days until Billy’s momma admits when he brings it up, over lunch or something saying like, “Steve thought you were using me or something, isn’t that crazy?” and she’s just like “Well, actually...”and tells him that money was tight, and she needed a little extra money, so Billy and his disability checks and his rich (boy)friend seemed like the perfect opportunity to get some.

He goes back home to Steve and expects him to be mad, to rub it in that he was right, but he’s really not, he’s super supportive, and you know, Billy finally realizes he doesn’t need to have this bullshit family thing with his mother, because he already has one, Max and Steve and his friends and all the people that actually care about him.

medical emergency (tw attempted suicide)-

Billy, who’s living on his own in an apartment downtown after Starcourt, deliberately doesn’t get his prescriptions refilled because he’s so done. He’s weak and he’s hurting and he doesn’t feel like himself anymore, and he just feels like he wouldn’t care if his body gave up, if he suffocated in his sleep or had another heart attack. So he doesn’t take care of himself, and when he runs out of oxygen he just doesn’t go get anymore, but he’s halfway to choking on his own blood when he realizes he doesn’t want to die.

He calls Steve, because he’s not calling the cops and he can’t remember anyone’s numbers in his panic, but Steve’s is written on his calendar, scribbled there because they were supposed to make plans for something with the kids. Steve takes him to the hospital, having to fight him to put the CPAP on him to make sure his lungs didn’t collapse before they could get him to Hawkins General, and Billy’s just, so bone tired.

They do all their treatment stuff and get his body back under control, so Steve finally asks him what happened, if maybe he needed someone around to help him remember his meds and stuff, and Billy just, he breaks, like a dam overfilled he just pours out with all of this helplessness and sadness he’d been feeling, how he doesn’t want to live the way he does or at all anymore, and Steve’s heart just breaks for him.

He moves in with him, nobody’s willing to leave him alone after what happened, and Steve (along with Billy getting a new therapist because the old one was incompetent enough to not notice how bad off he was) helps him to realize he has something to live for.

[hyperfixationtimego]

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Like

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d