#crucifixion jokes

[maluron]

Noël : Jésus a pris chair

Pâques : Jésus a pris cher

[dougielombax]

No you cannot go back in time to hustle your merch at the crucifixion of Jesus!

[toasterlunatic]

So I don't have tears of the kingdom yet but why is everyone CRUCIFYING the backpack korok?!

[cr0wqui11]

I had a dream where I was talking to Constance and Ricky online and I was trying to be funny but failing miserably I think I made a crucifixion joke

[retroactivebakeries]

Sorry I gotta unfollow the salt is stinking too much

Your cowardice will be remembered.

[stardust-and-fries]

Sorry to all who observe, I am simply incapable of making a comic that is terrible. Instead, enjoy this perfect comic.

[Transcript: (1) "Make a terrible comic day"? Sorry, but I'm only capable of makin' absolute bangers. (2) Observe. *ah-hem* She Joke on my Punchline 'till I Comedy (3) See? Like I said, bangers only. Sorry to ruin the holiday spirit, y'all, but I guess I'm just- (4) The Caesar has marked you for death... and the Legion obeys. Ready yourself for battle. /end transcript]

[volfoss]

Actually the crumbs of Armand in this book have given me the strength I'll need to finish this shit show tomorrow

[catos-wound]

she via on my appia till i- ohhhh. jesus christ man

[brianfrench1995]

When Jesus returns in 2024

Radical leftist, cult, leader executed 

[pigeonwhumps]

Letters

Immortal Cannon Fodder masterlist

Taglist: @extrabitterbrain @wolfeyedwitch

A selection of the multitude of post from Phoenix to their sister Alicia, stashed under her floorboards. Spans the roughly five year period between Phoenix being kicked out and their first Christmas after meeting Kai.

Inspired by this piece by @whumpsday.

1.1k

CWs: mentions of being disowned, implied abuse, implied/mentioned parental abuse, brief mention of crucifixion

Dear Alicia,

I'm sorry I left you. I didn't want to. You know that, right? You must do.

I'm just writing to tell you that I have somewhere to stay. You don't need to worry about me. I have a roof over my head and food and that's all I really need.

Except you. I miss you.

Stay safe.

Phoenix x

_

Alicia,

Merry Christmas!

It's been a hectic few months. I'm sorry I haven't written to you. I hope you're doing well in everything you want to do well in.

Also, congratulations on your summer camp application! I saw it in the newspaper. Mum and dad aren't too mad right? I don't want you to be kicked out too.

Got to go. I'll write again soon. Hope you like the wolf.

Phoenix x

_

Alicia,

Happy Birthday! I hope you like the stamp! Sorry if you had to pay. I think it's valid but I couldn't not send you a stamp of the time you petted a wolf. I didn't even know they existed until a few months ago!

Anyway. I found the website for that camp you're going on, and they had a list of recommended supplies. I know there's a hardship fund but I don't know if you qualify and mum and dad won't pay more than the bare minimum if you don't so anyway, what I'm saying is, here's some things for your summer. Only small things, I couldn't post anything bigger.

Enjoy! And I hope you have a good birthday! Sorry I can't be there.

Phoenix x

_

Merry Christmas. Immortality sucks. Hope you like the postcard.

_

Alicia,

Hey! Happy birthday! Hope you're still doing well! Here's another wolf!

Phoenix x

_

Merry Christmas!

Heeeey Alicia! I can walk gain! D'you know crucifixion is like flyng? Cept it hurts. It's in the air tho. Not there now. It's warm and fuzzy here. Mmmmm. Miss you. Want you here so I'm not cold and aolne so much.

Here's a wolf. He's a wonky wolf because he's drnuk. Not leki me. Nope.

Oh dear. I'm not sure they meant to write all that. They're drunk. Who gets drunk off eggnog? - E

Sick people who shouldn't be drinking it get drunk off eggnog. My boss is an idiot. And he forgot to tell you they're safe. Just a bad flu and probably a hangover this time. They'll be fine. - B

_

Dear Alicia,

Happy birthday! 16 today! You're getting old. It's making me feel old, my bones are all creaky and sore. I suppose I am an adult now (nearing a year of it now, actually). Is this what adulthood's like? It's weird.

I hope your exams went okay! Or are going okay, if you're not finished yet. Did the good luck wolf help? Here's a birthday one. He says happy birthday, and he hopes that you're having a good day. So do I.

I hope you like the photos on the card. And the book. I saw it at the bookshop and I couldn't not buy it, really. It reminded me of you.

I wish I was with you. You'll have to make do with this virtual cake instead for now I suppose. I hope you have people to share real cake with.

Happy birthday again,

Phoenix x

_

Alicia,

Merry Christmas!

Um, happy new year may be more appropriate. Sorry this is so late. I think I missed the last posting date. Maybe. I'm a bit all over the place, but it feels like it's gone Christmas. They're taking decorations down anyway.

Have a good... whenever it is you get this. Love you lots.

Phoenix x

_

Happy 18th!

Fuck, you're 18. HOW ARE YOU 18 YOU'RE AN ADULT THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

Hope you like the baby photos.

I don't know if you're still in school, or if you have an apprenticeship, or what you're doing next, but I've enclosed some things that might help. I remember you talked about going to uni but that was five years ago. There's gift cards, pens, notebooks, a cookbook (because I'm sure that's meant to be compulsory when you become an adult), I'm sure something will help.

Missing you lots, and I love you,

Phoenix x

_

I know it's not your birthday or Christmas but look what Aaron found in the zoo shop! It's a 3D wolf card! So I had to send it to you and I am not waiting over four months for you to get it!

Anyway. Kai and Aaron took me to the zoo for my birthday and the wolves loved Kai so much! There's photos so you can see just how much. And it was so much fun and the reptiles were so cool! I got to hold a Komodo dragon! There's more photos, Kai and Aaron insisted on taking lots.

Maybe I can see you again when you move out? It's been so long. You'd love Kai.

Missing you lots still.

Phoenix xx

_

Alicia,

Merry Christmas! I hope you're doing well. Whatever you're doing now, I hope it's good and that you're having fun. And if you haven't already, I hope you manage to get away from mum and dad soon.

Here's a little ornament, if you have a tree. Or if you don't you can hang him up anyway. His name's Joe (remember when you called everything variations of Joe?)

Phoenix xx

Hi. This is Aaron, Phoenix's friend. I need to tell you not to worry about the spots of blood. Phoenix cut themself cooking and won't put a plaster on because it'll heal (which is a bullshit reason but hey. This is Phoenix we're talking about). They're not badly injured, they're just incredibly stubborn and don't realise people might worry at the sight of their blood. Have a good Christmas!

- Aaron

So. I knew Phoenix had a sister, hi! But they said they were in contact with you, and we assumed that meant both ways, not letters that you can't reply to because apparently you don't have a means of doing so. They're scared of rejection, I think, and your parents finding out, but... they would really like to talk to you.

So here's the deal. I'll give you my phone number and you can tell me if you'd like to have theirs. Or I can just pass on messages or something, I don't know. I just know that they're missing you desperately and from what they say, you probably miss them too.

You don't have to message me or anything. But if you want to, if you want to talk to your sibling again (yes, I'm aware they're an idiot), please do. Whenever you like.

- Kai (07459 637 829) 🐺 ← Phoenix says you like them

[ghetsis]

He knows what he did.

[mymangamemes]

Guys, David Copperfield's latest show has gone horribly awry

From Governess of a Tyrant by Cheng Zi, Zhi Li Yuo, Tapas Entertainment, and Kuiakan Comics

[dougielombax]

“This Roman woodwork is SHIT!”

- Jesus.

Probably…

[offplanetfilms-blog]

NAILED IT!!!

[jearlf1sh]

i need to find the gif i made of that one scene where megan imagines himself getting crucified its so funnyy

[e-does-stuff]

Huge rant under the read more, tw homophobia, queerphobia, Christianity

Just needed to get it out somewhere.

I just love justifying my existence so much! I hate my fucking school so much I fucking hate “current world problems” so much I fucking hate going to a shitty Christian school with people who would fucking hate crime me if they knew I was queer I fucking hate how they make us make LITERALLY FUCKING PRO AND CON LISTS over sexuality like it’s something I would fucking choose. THEY EVEN SAY “oh yeah, people don’t choose homosexual attraction, they choose whether or not to live a homosexual lifestyle” ITS NOT A FUCKING LIFESTYLE I HATE THIS SCHOOL SO FUCKING MUCH ITS CAUSED SO MANY FUCKING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES FOR ME AND MY FRIENDS I HATE THIS FUCKING SCHOOL