June of (minimal) Doom 2024 Day 26 - Don't lie to me
Suguru knows Satoru well enough to recognise the aftermath of insomnia on his face and he doesn’t even need to hear him walk around the apartment like a ghost in the dead of night for that.
The bags under his eyes and the pinched look, the hunched shoulders and the minute trembling of his smiles were all dead giveaways.
And yet Suguru still has to watch Satoru walk around their lecture hall as if nothing at all is wrong.
“Hey, Satoru!” Haibara greets him, clear enthusiasm in his voice and Suguru watches how Satoru drags up a smile that almost seems real before he turns around to Haibara. “How are you doing?” Haibara asks, clearly not noticing what Suguru is seeing clear as day and Suguru clenches his fist in his pocket.
He wants to go up to them, drag Satoru away so he can rest, so he doesn’t have to pretend but he knows that Satoru will only be mad at him if he does.
Satoru doesn’t like to show weakness to anyone and that sadly includes Suguru as well.
“I’m fine,” Satoru gives back, strained smile fixed on his face and the words rattle around in Suguru’s mind.
I’m fine, he says while his body language screams anything but.
Suguru wonders if the people around them are just wilfully ignoring the signs or if they truly do not notice how much Satoru seems to struggle these days. Suguru isn’t even sure what triggered the recent bout of insomnia; there hasn’t been a clear incident that he could identify, and that, above all else, is worrying Suguru more than he likes to admit.
He and Satoru have been living together for long enough by now for Suguru to identify a few of Satoru’s triggers. Of course nothing has come forth voluntarily, because god forbid Satoru ever confides in him, but he isn’t quite as adamant as hiding everything from Suguru as he normally is and Suguru learned to take that as a sign of trust.
So he knows that loud voices, yelling and the sound of doors being locked is enough to give Satoru trouble sleeping.
None of that happened in the last few days in their apartment though, Suguru thinks, and so he’s at a complete loss.
Suguru keeps a close eye on Satoru throughout the day; he isn’t quite as sociable as Satoru, doesn’t try to make himself that, either, and so he’s quite content to sit at his own table and wait for Satoru to come back around to him.
And he always does, Suguru reminds himself. No matter what’s currently going on with Satoru, he always comes back to Suguru as if he’s a fixed point that Satoru can’t avoid and that surely has to mean something.
“Eat something,” Suguru suggests gently when Satoru comes back to him from yet another friend group, slumping over the table as if all the energy has been sapped from him and he pushes a cup of pudding towards Satoru.
Satoru doesn’t like being taken care of, doesn’t like being catered to, and Suguru learned to act as if he’s not doing that. Paired with the fact that Satoru is a bit more tolerant towards any fussing from Suguru, it works out fine, most days, and even though Satoru eyes him suspiciously, clearly knowing that Suguru bought this pudding especially for him, he doesn’t say anything as he takes it.
“Thanks,” he mutters as he digs in and Suguru bites his tongue instead of asking if he’s okay.
He’s only going to get the same answer as everyone else here and Suguru is not about to do that to himself. There will be time to ask later, when they are back home, when he can gently bully Satoru into at least not lying to him but right now is really not the place for it.
So instead of saying anything he watches how Satoru drags up another shaking smile as he turns to the next person who comes up to their table, asking how Satoru is.
“I’m fine,” he says again, his hand gripping the spoon so hard Suguru is glad he brought proper ones and not plastic ones because those surely would have splintered in Satoru’s hand.
Suguru glares at the person who just came to talk to Satoru, annoyed that they can’t see what Satoru is so desperate to hide and Suguru knows it’s unfair.
Satoru loves being social, loves having someone to talk to at any given moment as if he could die and wither away if no one pays attention to him, and he’s trying so hard to hide how he really feels.
If anything Suguru is mad at everyone around them, for not knowing Satoru well enough to pick up on his cues, even as it makes him feel real special that he is able to.
It’s an entire mix of emotions swirling in Suguru’s gut that day, and he’d rather not think too hard about it.
Instead he contents himself with staring at Satoru and noting down every moment he seems down, as if that would make him feel better.
“I’m fine,” Satoru says to the next person who joins them and asks the same question and Suguru looks down at the table.
Satoru is not fine and Suguru is going to find out what’s going on the moment they get home because he just wants to help.
He wants Satoru to sleep well and he wants him to really smile at the people around them and not force himself to do that.
But it’ll have to wait until they are home.
~*~*~
Suguru waits until Satoru is flopped down on the couch, relaxed and apparently happy before he asks.
“Satoru, how are you doing?” he wants to know, keeping his voice low and soft in an attempt not to scare Satoru away, but of course he doesn’t miss the way Satoru tenses.
“I’m—” he starts to say and Suguru cuts him off before he can even finish that sentence.
“Don’t lie to me,” Suguru says, begs almost, and he reaches out to card his fingers through Satoru’s hair.
He stays tense, but he doesn’t move away and Suguru counts that as a win for himself.
“You’re not fine,” Suguru goes on and he pretends it doesn’t matter to him when Satoru glares at him.
“What the fuck do you want from me?” Satoru snaps out and Suguru reminds himself not to take it to heart, that Satoru isn’t angry with him. He’s just angry in general.
“Honesty,” Suguru simply gives back. “You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, if you don’t want, but don’t treat me like everyone else either. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk, you know it is, but—don’t lie to my face. I can see that you’re not fine.”
There’s a brief silence between them and Suguru is prepared to let it sit until Satoru goes and hides in his room, but to his surprise Satoru closes his eyes again, pushing a little bit into Suguru’s hand still in his hair.
“So what do you want me to say?” he asks, and he sounds lost in a way Suguru isn’t used to.
“The truth, preferably,” he honestly gives back, knowing that it’s a lot to ask for. “Not an explanation, just—if you’re not fine, then say that. I’m not going to push if you don’t want me to. I just—I just want to know how you’re really feeling. And if that is not well, I’d rather you just tell me that.”
Satoru hums, letting him know that he heard him, even as he continues to stay silent and Suguru resigns himself to being shut out for the reminder of the day, when Satoru turns his head towards him.
“I feel like shit,” Satoru rasps out and even though he can’t quite manage to meet Suguru’s eyes, he curls towards him.
“Thank you for being honest,” Suguru whispers and tugs gently on a strand of hair. “Now come here,” he cajoles him and moves around on the couch, dragging Satoru along with him until they are stretched out on it, Satoru’s head pillowed on his chest.
“You’re not going to ask?” Satoru wants to know after a long moment and Suguru sighs.
“Of course I want to know,” he honestly admits. “If only so I know what caused this so I can avoid it, so I can help. But I’m not going to push if you don’t want me to.”
“I trust you,” Satoru says as if that was ever in question and Suguru huffs.
“I know that, Satoru, this isn’t about that. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here, in this apartment with me. I know that trust has nothing to do with it. But trust and honesty are different. You can trust me and still lie to me, like you did.”
“It’s—a reflex,” Satoru admits and Suguru feared as much. “I’m not allowed to be a bother.”
There are several things on the tip of Suguru’s tongue but he bites them all back. Instead he starts drawing patterns on Satoru’s back as he gathers his thoughts.
“You’re not a bother,” he starts with because it’s important that he gets that out first. “You never could be, not to me.”
Satoru makes a sound as if he wants to scoff at what Suguru just said and Suguru pinches his side.
“Am I ever a bother to you?” he wants to know because for all that Satoru clearly has his issues, Suguru isn’t without fault either.
Their personalities clash, the way they live clash and just last week Suguru didn’t mange to get out of bed for almost three days, making Satoru look after him. Suguru’s depressive episodes might have gotten better over time and with the right treatment, but they still happen and Satoru still has to take the brunt of them.
“Never,” Satoru tells him just like Suguru expected and he allows himself a small smile.
“But you think it’s different when it comes to you,” he says, because he doesn’t need to ask about that. He knows how Satoru’s brain works most of the time.
“Of course it is.”
“Well, of course you’re wrong,” Suguru immediately shoots back. “Cause you’re never a bother to me either.”
“You were bothered today,” Satoru mutters. “You kept frowning and throwing glares at everyone.”
“I wasn’t bothered, I was worried,” Suguru corrects him. “Because you kept lying to everyone around you and hiding how you’re really doing. And I understand that need, especially with how many people you’re friendly with, but I don’t like it when you do the same to me.”
“I didn’t want you to ask questions,” Satoru admits and Suguru sighs.
“I’m not going to if you don’t want me to, I promise. Just—let me know when you’re not doing well. I can still help, right? Like this? This is good, isn’t it?” he asks, even though the way Satoru has gone boneless on top of him speaks for itself. “I can’t do this if you lie to my face about being okay.”
“I hate when you’re all logical,” Satoru grumbles, even as he pushes his face further into Suguru’s chest. “The stew you made two days ago,” he then suddenly says and Suguru frowns because he doesn’t understand what that has to do with anything.
“What about it?” he gently asks and feels Satoru freeze before he forces himself to relax again.
“It reminded me of home,” Satoru quietly says and Suguru immediately vows to never make it again.
He’s not going to apologise for making it, because he couldn’t have known and he knows it will only make Satoru feel worse so he simply nods.
“Okay. I won’t make it again. Thank you for telling me.”
“Now shut up, my pillow isn’t supposed to talk that much,” Satoru grumbles, clearly uncomfortable with the amount of vulnerability he just showed and Suguru buries his face in his hair.
“Sleep well,” he whispers, just moment before Satoru goes lax on top of him and for all that Satoru cares to grumble and hide things from him, he could never ever hide that he trusts Suguru, not when he does things like falling asleep on him like this.
Suguru knows that he is nowhere near to getting Satoru to spill his guts to him, to go into detail of what must have been a horrible home, and in all honesty, he doesn’t need that.
All he needs is Satoru to know that he’s safe, that he’s there for him and when soft snoring reaches his ear, Suguru knows that he manages to at least get that across.
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