#diary of a crazy worker

[portraitsofpast]

i forgot that everyone will extend me grace becays ethey are kind hearted individuals

[allwaswell16]

A fic rec of One Direction fics that are romantic comedies or have a rom com vibe to them as requested in this ask. If you enjoy the fics, please leave kudos and comments for the writers! You can find my other fic recs here. Happy reading!

—Louis/Harry—

🧡 You Drive Me Crazy (but it feels alright) by MrsStylinson

(T, 102k, movie au) Bridget Jones' Diary AU.“Harry is not short for Harold,” he corrects, his voice as thick as molasses. He lowers his eyes to Louis’ sequined lapels, rubbing one between two fingers. “Is this small or extra small? It looks lovely.”

🧡 Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow by @1diamondinthesun

(NR, 84k, movie au) the American high school AU loosely inspired by She's All That.

🧡 Gemma's Dad (Could Use A Guy Like Me) by @lululawrence

(NR, 82k, age difference) Louis wasn't planning on getting home and learning that Gemma's dad had gotten the house in the divorce and was dealing with things by focusing on work, the house, and his newly planted garden. It becomes obvious early on that Harry is a bit lost and Gemma is worried about him. To help both of them, Louis is more than happy to help Harry find himself again.

🧡 Let Our Hearts Collide by @crinkle-eyed-boo

(M, 76k, movie au) When Harry, a lonely transit worker, saves the life of the handsome commuter he's been secretly pining for, an innocent mistake results in Liam Payne's family believing that Harry is engaged to their son. A While You Were Sleeping AU

🧡 i must admit i thought i'd like to make you mine by @disgruntledkittenface

(M, 50k, girl direction) Blindsided and scrambling to save face, Louis lets herself get talked into a fake relationship with her new friend Harry. 

🧡 From Dust to Lust by jacaranda_bloom / @jacaranda-bloom

(E, 45k, Australia) the one where Louis and Harry are fly-in-fly-out mine workers, coincidences are totally a thing, karaoke is an underrated form of foreplay, and the universe most definitely works in mysterious ways.

🧡 Love Isn't Always on Time by @softfonds

(E, 45k, movie au) Falling in love with your best friend sounds like a good idea, until he comes back from a work trip engaged to another man. A Made of Honor AU.

🧡 Until That Day by @kingsofeverything

(E, 44k, movie au) Hoping to witness Harry leave another groom at the altar, Louis heads to Holmes Chapel, where nothing goes as planned, and he finds himself falling for the serial heartbreaker. A Runaway Bride movie AU

🧡my only working remedy by YesIsAWorld / @louandhazaf

(E, 42k, famous/not famous) His Team steps it up a notch when Harry is in between movies and they do a promo by launching the contest “Win a Date with Harry Styles!” Everything goes wrong for Harry's Team when the winner is a guy, Louis Tomlinson. 

🧡 crown me with your heart (your love is king) by @perfectdagger

(G, 41k, movie au) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Wedding au in which Harry is the Crown Prince of the small island of Eroda and Louis’ uncle is trying to take the throne from him, with a slight a/b/o twist and some more.

🧡 Set the Sky Alight, Oh Holy Night by LadyLondonderry / @londonfoginacup

(T, 33k, roommates) One house, five almost-strangers (plus Niall), six new beginnings.

🧡 From the Start by @allwaswell16

(E, 32k, fake relationship) Louis has no idea that one act of kindness will cause his life to spiral out of control. But that's what happens when his new friend fake proposes to him and a video of it goes viral.

🧡 Making Waves by @haztobegood

(E, 30k, movie au) the one where Louis can’t remember, Harry needs money, and Niall has a plan. An Overboard AU.

🧡 Supposed to Be by kikikryslee / @flamboyantommo

(M, 26k, movie au) the Geek Charming AU where Harry's a film geek, Louis' a popular jock, and they both need each other to get what they want.

🧡 Retiens la nuit by TeamLouis / @teamlouis2023

(E, 26k, movie au) Everything is too much for Harry. His exboyfriend, his job, his whole life actually. Flying across the globe to find a quiet place for Christmas holidays is exactly what he needs. The Holiday AU

🧡 And I’d Marry You Harry (Because You Forced Me) by @2tiedships2

(NR, 24k, movie au) The Proposal AU featuring Harry as Sandra Bullock, Louis as Ryan Reynolds, and all the fun a fake relationship and forced engagement can bring.

🧡 in the end I started thinking about the beginning by @infinitelymint

(E, 21k, wedding planner) When Louis returned from Malaysia to attend his best mate Zayn's wedding, he hadn't expected their wedding planner to be Harry Styles.

🧡 i'd never sing of love if it does not exist by wildestdreams / @lavendrhaze

(M, 20k, movie au) “This…,” Louis said. “Use each other for sex…at all hours of the day and nothing else.” or a No Strings Attached AU

🧡 Your secret's safe with me by lightswoodmagic / @lightwoodsmagic

(M, 7k, royal) when Louis' favourite singer comes back and announces he's performing again, him and the rest of his group chat decide to go. When Haz, the man Louis' fallen in love with without meeting him, says that he can't, Louis tries his best to convince him with a drunken phone call, hearing his voice for the first time. 

—Rare Pairs—

🧡 Eight Days by LadyAJ_13 / @ladyaj-13

(T, 22k, Liam/Louis) Louis and Liam got hitched in Vegas, completely forgot about it for more than a decade, and it comes back to bite them. Sort of.

🧡 I Got the Recipe (And It's Called Black Magic) by @fallinglikethis

(T, 10k, Liam/Louis) Louis needs to believe in love again, and with a little help from Almost-Liam Payne, Harry makes it happen.

[gothitelleex]

I love Raphael from BG3.

He's a complex character and I absolutely adore every take I've seen and the different prospectives on his character from the fandom.

I also signed the petition for the romance route. But honestly speaking: I want an ending where Tav/Durge/OC gets to decide join him in conquering the 9 layers of hells. I don't even care if it's only as a foot soldier! Or even better, a maid! I honestly would still enjoy it nevertheless.

So. This made me think: what would be like to work under Raphael?

(This is my personal take, so don't come at me please, I have anxiety. Also, I might have gone really deep into the argument in my own way, have mercy.)

(Spoilers under the cut for act 2, 3 and post final boss)

Generally speaking + surviving methods: we get some details from the game already on how Raphael's behaves as a boss. He can be absolutely cruel and straight up torture you if you screw up big time or even small time (or in the case of Hope, he'll keep you in his basement if you don't play along with his whims and refuse to submit). He could scorch your fingers for minimum mistakes (like we read in the house of hope, pardon me I don't remember if it was a diary or not, where he described the performances of the people working under him). What these minimum mistakes could be? For how I see it, it could be when one of his warlocks/debtors are late, or they aren't dressed the part, or they accidentally knocked something down, ect.

Raphael strikes me as the tipe who wants everything to be perfect in his standards at every moment. He also loves to have everything and everyone around him under control, and he is more or less quick to anger; so to survive, the worker would need to be an expert in his mood swings too, and they would need the capacity to dose their words well in some situations. Raphael would want perfection, so the worker should at least be good at covering up their mishap unless they want to join the lemurs.

Would bootlicking work? I think he's not so stupid to not realize when people are sucking up to him, so I believe it could be fine depending on the situation. I also think the bootlicking shouldn't be too obvious or he may think the person in front of him is making fun of him and that could result in death. Or worse: it's hell, who knows what could happen there.

Of course I believe he can be a gentle boss as long as you live up to his standards: something that is almost impossible, and I say almost since Korilla exist. That woman got her fingers scorched a few time and that was it, and I'm pretty sure she's the only one who didn't get punished more severely.

Korilla is the idol of every loyal worker to Raphael, I can bet my soul on that! Everyone who works with her envies her and/or take example from her.

Long story short: if you want to survive while working under Raphael, be Korilla. ʕ　·ᴥ·ʔ👍🏻

Post ending: durge and co have defeated the Nether brain and it's now time to fulfill the deal and give the crown to Raphael.

Now, speaking of the game. I'm going to use Durge because it's my durge Iris that would be crazy enough to sell her soul to be a servant of Raphael. That drow is batshit crazy, but that's a story for another post.

So Raphael comes to collect his crown at Wither's party, and durge not only kneels to give it to him, but they also ask to be granted the honor of working under him in order to see the Archdevil Supreme Raphael's triumph! Raphael would accept and create a new contract, I believe.

Your Durge has accepted Bhaal? No problem! They just have to tell daddy dearest that mortals aren't a worthy sacrifice, so they decided to start their murder spree with devils! Hey, besides it's a war in the hells, there is no place for morality there, so Durge could go crazy without restrain. I believe in this case Raphael wouldn't trust Durge to remain loyal to him and put aside Bhaal's orders, so he would take precautions in any case. Whatever your Durge would want to betray Raphael in the end or not, it would add more spice to the already complicated situation in the hells and in their relationship, whatever it is. I like to think how the situation could lead to a delicious psychological dark romance! In this case I imagine Raphael using every chance to subtly remind Durge who's boss. And unless Durge really enrages him, I don't think he would stop being polite, especially because it was Durge who gave him the crown. My ideal ending if this scenario would be Durge usurping Bhaal and take his place as the God of murder, while also being married to the Archdevil Supreme of the nine hells, Raphael. ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ💅🏻

If your Durge is a resist Durge? In this case things would be less violent and I believe Raphael would be less wary of them in general, tho in the case of a contract, I doubt he would be as kind as he was before when he needed something from them. Now they're his to command, he's not just a simple ally to them anymore. So Durge would need to be Korilla 2.0. And as much I'd like the contrary, I don't think Raphael would have someone work closely under him without a contract. So, yet again, praise Korilla for her existence.

Long story short again: be Korilla. ᕦʕ •ᴥ•ʔᕤ

If you've read everything, just know that I love you🪅

P. S: I would work for him as a maid who cleans just to enjoy all the drama while being in the sideline. Just let me be a random NPC who cleans and secretly simps for their boss lol.

P.p.s: I love you Korilla, please just a chance!

[book-girl4evaaa]

Heathers thoughts none of you asked for :)

Ok y'all so I've been on a plane so obviously I downloaded heathers and I thought "you know what? Lemme write down my thoughts, because I'm pretty crazy about this musical." So I did. These are the aforementioned thoughts. Enjoy if you choose to :)

Content warning: spoilers lol

Trigger warnings: murder, sex, suicide, sexual assault/violence, depression, anxiety are all mentioned. Also there is a lot of cursing because a lot of the songs cuss lol (if you've already seen it then there's nothing else apart from what's already in there)

It's about 3000 words long, and probably quite funny to read even if you don't know what's going on

Um yeah that's it, let's go!

My thoughts on Heathers

ACT ONEEEEE

- "September 1st 1989, dearrrrr diary"

- (ok imma nerd out on the first line because September 1st 1989 could be a reference to September 1st 1939, but that's it I promise)

- welcome to my school, this ain't no high school this is the *thunderdome*

- "if I'm not dead by Juneeee" yeah about that-

- "then I can blow this town," um Veronica that's jds job

- "fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze" girl if you knew what would happen next....

- RAMS EXPRESSION HELP

- Life really isn't looking beautiful Veronica

- "smartest guy on the football team :0"

- "did you really just talk to me?" "My buddy Kurt just asked you a question" *nod/grunt/chest pop thing*

- (they are soooooo not straight)

- "dear diary: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"

- BRO I THOUGHT THEY SAID "COLD BEEER" NOT "HOPE HERE" 😭

- Heathers' entrance giving vogue tbh

- "no discernable personality but her mom did pay for implants,"

- "id like them to be nicer," Martha ur so real for that

- so everyone is just going to ignore that line about kidnapping them? Ok...

- why does miss Fleming act so dismissive of one of her students having an eating disorder? Like ummmm safe guarding?

- chandler not even knowing Veronica existed till she saved her ass lmao

- FIRST SHUT UP HEATHER OF THE SHOW AYYY

- "if I took a meat cleaver down the *centre* of your *skull* I'd have matching halves.... That's very important :]"

- "ask me how it feels, looking like hellll on wheelsss... My GOD it's beautiful"

- THE RIFFS OH MY DAYS

- ok first song done :]

- "more like the heathers are my co-workers and our job is being popular and shit,"

- "but it's still the same me underneath!" "You sure? 🤨"

- "how very" !!!!!!!!!!!!!

- "heather. Bend over."

- "...are we gonna have a problem?"

- "LISTEN UP BIATCH"

- honestly playing dolls sounds more fun than smoking with some quarterback to me but like wtv

- "say goodbye to shamu"

- LET'S GO TEAR UO SOMEONES LAWN

- step into my candy storeeeëëëEEEEE

- honey what you waiting for... "SHUT UP HEATHER!"

- "don't just quote bodelare at me and walk away?"

- "I didn't catch your name..." "I didn't throw it 😎🔥" jd thought he ate

- "my buddy Kurt just asked you a question" "*huh*"

- "I'm not sure what your problem is, but I bet it's pretty hard for you to pronounce." Ok jd ACTUALLY ate this time

- holy shit (holy shit) holy SHIT (HOLY shit) HOLY SHIT **Holy Shit** HOLY shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

- "why, when you see Boys fight, does it look so horrible, yet feel so riìïíîīïìight,"

- "DAAAAAAMN"

- girlypop is infatuated

- her posing with him while he's frozen is pretty iconic tbh

- "if your still alive," she knows the chances

- (also death reference (?!?!?!?))

- the ball popping scene 😭

- "come on admit it you like the new kid," says you heather? We alllll know that you like someone who's name starts with v

- duke looks so scared :'(

- "they will get me safely through highschool," ehhhhhh

- "I'm not gonna change, I promise," ehhhhh

- it's my candy store it's my candy

- it's my candy store it's my candy

- it's my candy store it's my candy storeeeeeEEEEEE

- (also the choreography is eating)

- "VERONICAAAAAAAAAAA 🦅 DON'T FORGET GET TO BUY CORN NUTSSSS"

- "plain or bq?" "BBBBBBBBBQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅"

- "greetings and salutations" fhhfsjsfdj

- "did you say cherry or lemon?" "I said big gulp,"

- "IF IT'S IN THE WAY, I'LL MAKE YOUR DAY"

- "example: I don't really like my friends." "That's ok, I don't like your friends either ☺️"

- ayyy liquorice is good for voices, I see you set team

- Veronica just watching him sing (she's still infatuated)

- "I pray at my alter of slush" that sounds like an unhealthy relationship with a drink bro

- "shfhjsgskdfsgsdg" - JD sucking up his slushie

- "freeze your brainnnnn"

- riffing so early in the song are we? Slay

- "does ur mommy know you drink all that crap?" "Not anymore. When mom was alive -"

- (Veronica's face kills me every time)

- "the sky's gonna hurt when it falls so you better start building some walls"

- JD casually traumadumping on some random girl at the seven eleven

- "I don't see what the big deal- SON OF A BITCH"

- chandler being jealous because of JD is peak

- freeze your brain is underrated though

- "sure thing.... DUDE"

- the middle fingers at their son's 😭

- DAD SAYS ACT YOUR AGE YOU HEARD THE MAN IT'S TIME TO RAGE

- everyone in this musical is so fine

- I'm learning this choreography as soon as I get time

- adding to the character profile that McNamara's mom is a slight alcoholic

- "a hot guy smiled at me without a trace of mockery!" Ronica is really doing well though, this is like goals, like bro I'm still waiting on this for me

- why's miss Fleming a teenager all of a sudden?

- she's got moves those

- "how did I get this popular?" Because the demon queen of highschool has a hugeeee crush on you

- "dreams are coming true when people laugh but not at you," Veronica is so me (I'm still waiting for this but oh well)

- ✊✊🙌✊✊🙌✊✊🙌✊✊🙌

- "I'm not alone I'm not afraid I FEEL LIKE BONO AT LIVE AIDDDDD"

- "I'm actually having big fun!"

- that poor pinata 😔

- dang dang diggity dangy dang

- even I know that sparkling ciders a "no thanks" at a party, Martha

- "there's no alcohol in this, are you TRYING to POISON me?" Yeah about poison...

- "our folks got no clue bout half the shit there children do!" Me when Tumblr-

- "pin-yah-tah!" (That's how I say it too)

- ok the bullying Martha at the party is pretty realistic

- "what's your damage heather?"

- "nobody at westerberg is going to let you play their reindeer games!"

- Lick. It. Up.

- no way to treat the love of your life, chandler

- but I don't own a motorbike -

- *wait...*

- here's an option that I like

- spend these last few hours getting ✨ freaky ✨

- "Veronica, what are you doing in my roo-" "shhhshshshhhhssshshshhh"

- him going to kiss her and she's just like 🖐️ onto his face

- he honestly looks a little scared

- "so worlds unfair, keep it locked out there" ummm you snapped off his window lock remember?

- "that works for me,"

- not her hitting notes after making out which I'd struggle to hit with a warmup ✋😭

- the confidence it takes to perform that song on stage-

- tbh if I had that nightmare I'd be terrified too

- "I gotta go kiss her arobasized ass"

- Veronica's so silly I love her

- I kinda want chandlers pjs

- "hope you brought kneepads, bitch"

- "that stuff would kill her!" "Thus ending her hangover,"

- not JD calling her chicken for not wanting to kill 💀

- ooooo bro didn't tell her

- heathers soooo jealous of JD

- "I'd actually prefer you did this [begged] on your knees," like um that's a bit... You know...

- "but your still dead to me" funny choice of words chandler

- THE FACT SHE DIED RIGHT AFTER

- "c-c-corn n-n-nuts XP"

- "my problems were a miriad..." "I was having my period. HAHAHAHAha.... OH MY GOD"

- (fun fact I drew that line)

- "I learned to...kiss boys with my tongue" "that's good"

- Veronicas face when heather starts singing

- "Ur making me sound like air supply 🙄"

- no but heather doing the little movements as she sings like it's a tiktok dance

- "my 🤘🤘 rockstar mystique they wouldn't dare look in 🫱😔🫲 my eyessss"

- "MYRIAD, NICE"

- "starving children eating sand"

- "no one thinks a pretty girl can touch youuuuu" "heather touching me 😏" WHAT THE HECK NOT THE TIME BOYS REALLY NOT THE TIME

- "IM BIGGER THAN JOHN LENNON"

- chandler doing the little boogie because people actually like her now she's dead

- duke getting her photo bomb moment

- "do you think heathers mom keeps her room the same, like she's alive?" "....well that rugs gonna need a good cleaning "

- DID JD'S DAD JUST THREATEN VERONICA WTH

- "my mom's cooking dinner....spaghetti.... With *lots* of oregano" iconic

- "Jd's dad will not be speaking at our wedding,"

- "nobody *cares* about your feelings" DUKE TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW

- "from her homies 😔✊✌️" I love you heather McNamara

- ummmm McNamara, I love you but that isn't ok

- i m a r a t i n a t r a p c o r r e c t i o n i m t h e c h e e s e

- bro this song makes me very uncomfortable but it's really catchy

- why are they licking her hand 😭

- "cow manure " serves you right bastards

- "is that a joke?" "It is most definitely a joke " it was not a joke

- "I HAVE A NEW FAVOURITE COLOUR"

- "MOVE BITCH THIS IS MY SONG"

- the transformation is smooooooth

- chandler sticking her tongue out has me dying she's such a good character

- "PARTIES AT MY PLACE" WHOO HOO

- KURT AND RAM WHEN I GET YOU

- tf are they slutshaming her for something that didn't happen, bitches

-"allhailthequeeniweartheredthescrunchiesonmyheadyoucantrunyoucanthideiamacrimsontide"

- Also dukes voice is so pretty like girl sounds angelic

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM SHE'S LITERALLY SOBBING AND THEY MADE IT WORSE

- if I was in that sort of situation I would be sobbing so hard

- "our love is god"

- "your not alone" "your not alone" SOBBING.

- they're so cute yet so messed up

- why are the boys so gullible though like don't they remember literally earlier that day?

- unrelated but I would kill for a voice like any of these people (pun intended)

- then singing "our love is god" at different times because it means different things to each of them

- JD just acting all smart as he lies

- the gay look im dead

- "so do we just whip it out?" Bruh

- "I liked the tie..." "get the tie, get the tie," "my mom bought it for me 😏🫦"

- the matching underwear lmao

- "ur just unconscious, right ram?" WRONG

- "STOP BEING A DICK"

- "what the FUCK have you done?!" "I worship you ☺️🥺"

- Veronica home girl you sound terrified why are you still letting him hug you

ACT TWOOOOOOOO

- "Im going steady, mostly he's awesome, if a bit too rock and roll" BESTIE HES A LITERAL MURDERER

- "lately he's bumped off 3 of my classmates" EXACTLY

- "god have mercy on my soulllll" feel kinda bad for her here tbh like she's struggling hard

- "they were just 17" foreshadowing one of my favs

- "but now we'll never know...."

- "ok ur mad I get it," 👁️👄👁️ dude... you KILLED THEM?!? YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK?!?!?!? LIKE YOUR HOT AND ALL BUT WHAT?!?!??!?!?!

- "ich lugë bullets? You lied to me," ich lugë literally means I lied

- "can they make you cry now?" "No, but you can..." Imma cry for the both of you

- "my teenage angst bullshit has a bodycount."

- "THEY WERE NOT DIRTY! *BAM BAM* THEY WERE NOT WRONG! *BAM BAM*"

- "I love my dead gay son 💅💃✨"

- "they just had ✨flare!✨"

- "IM TALKING YOU AND ME" *gAsP* "in the summer of 83" *gAsP* "........ THAT....... was one hell of a fishing trip,"

- THE GAY TIES <33333333333 I WANT ONE

- ok but let's be real Kurt and Ram were definitely at least bi you all saw the grunts

- "who's next?" Tf do you MEAN who's NEXT?!?!

- "I could underline some meaningful passages in moby dick iykwim..." "NoOoOoOOO!"

- "and then kaboom" oooh so he's got trauma

- 17 = the song that gets me sobbing

- "we're damaged, *really* damaged, but that DOES NOT make us wise"

- "we're not *special*, we're not *different*, we don't CHOOSE who LIVES or DIES" this song hits hard every time

- "lets be NORMAL! see bad movies, sneak a beer and watch TV..." She just wants to be a normal teenager let her have that please and thank you

- "that really blows," ummmmmmmm poor word choice

- "play some poker" the game that you lie in JD? Huh?

- ayyy we're getting some more chemistry now

- not the time for a makeout sesh

- "if I am what you choose," 😭😭😭😭😭

- "your the one I choose," but in the end neither can choose eachother so now imma cry myself to sleep

- "just stop talking " jdronica fans everywhere:

- AYYYYYYYY shine a light love it

- "did you have a brain tumour for breakfast? 🙄" "No I had oatmeal ☺️"

- "well fuck me gently with a chainsaw " THE QUOTE THE QUOTE THE QUOTE (no mother Teresa but but oh well)

- "I'm in love with this fat girl!"

- "Veronicas going to lady prison heheheh," shut up you prick

- Veronica no need to be a bitch about it, I know you want to protect her but bro

- "but I-" "bUt iiu-" heather chandler is dead funny

- ugh screw off miss Fleming you're making it worse

- CROUD INTERACTION GOES BRRRRRRR

- "whether to kill yourself or not is one of the hardest decisions a teenager can make," no joke bro, is that not common knowledge?

- shine a light is the exact stuff my school would pull if kids started committing suicide

- "STEVE! I'm ending our affair" Steve took it like a champ though

- I'm using the phrase "fan-fricken-tastic" whenever I can from now on

- the mood drop when heather said she wanted to kill herself was like 📉

- "and I'm like 'jesus I'm on the fricking bus again because all my rides to school are dead!'" they don't deserve you heather McNamara

- lifeboat is so real tho

- like that metaphor is so real

- heather McNamara is like dream role stuff

- "with people I know " not friends, because she doesn't feel like she has any friends anymore

- "are you saying westerberg is not a nice place?" Well yeah it sucks

- Martha looks so sad in the background

- "I don't patronise bunny rabbits?!"

- "I killed them!" No ur bf did but close enough

- shine a light reprise is literally me after 9:30 pm 🤡

- I'm probably sure they use tic-tacs

- "if everyone jumped off a bridge would you?" "Probably." Real

- "if you were happy all the time you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a gameshow host" saved

- HOW MANY TICTACS DID THAT GIRL FIT IN HER MOUTH

- awwwww the hug is so cuteeee they have the best friendship dynamic

- (also people need to stop painting Mac as dumb, she's just naïve)

- "STOP TALKING OVER ME!" you tell him girl

- "I could make another son anytime I want," GO AWAY THAT'S AWFUL YOU A HORRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON UGH YOU MAKE ME SICK I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

- saved my aggression for him <3

- ok look I know he's a murderer but no-one deserves a parent like that, JD's shaking and he's like 17 this is not ok

- blud just shot a TV to take out his anger

- "I love the rush when you would hold me close but you will not be satisfied till I overdose" gnsgxcfzfzzggmsfs

- I SAY NOOOOOO

- "blame the life you neve had, but hurting people that's your choice my friend..." PREACH

- "but I love you!" Ur-ur pointing a gun at her. Dude.

- WAIT SHE ACTUALLY SAYS DUDE I FORGOT THAT

- "just in time I say nooo," um not quite

- "who's ready for the big game :D" such a vibe change

- why's the cheer chant so aggressive 😭

- "send you straight to hell!" They're highschoolers geez

- "nobody cares about Martha Dumptruck," I-i care?

- ok kindergarten is pretty good but the fact it doesn't rhyme makes me a little weird

- like it feels like a poem

- "some girls are meant to be alone," nooooooo

- she looks so happy like she's going to be free I'm going to cry :'(

- "we've been avoiding you because you're a terrible person" heck yeah

- "hmmmmm the plot thicknesssss"

- Chandler has the best lines

- yo girl is like anxiety but with ghosts

- "Veronicas running on running on fumes now Veronicas totally fried " same tune as Veronica open the door hehe

- knock knock 😃

- "BUT 🙌 BUT 🙌 BUT 🙌" he's so silly and murderous

- "BAM BAM BAM" JD should start a sound effects company

- even the way he says the chorus is eery

- no way he put "no thanks" on a suicide note 💀

- bro really wants to blow up an entire student body for one girl who doesn't even want him to

- (she said make this whole town disappear so he started at the school but she didn't mean it literally)

- "Veronica open the, open the door please" *intense tiktok flashbacks*

- ok but the swaying of her being hung was so realistic like whatttt

- I feel really bad for Veronicas mom here

- "noone here deserves to die except for ME and the monster I createddddd yeahhhh YEAHHHHH" devoured that high note

- HEADS UP JD IMMA DEAD GIRL WALKING 🗣️

- (the reprise is so much better fight me about it)

- (like sex 👎 homicide 👍)

- (could biased as an acespec but who gives a doughnut)

- "ONE LAST DANCE ABD THEN FAREWELL, CHEEK TO CHEEK IN HELL WITH A DEAD GIRLLLLLL WALKINGGGGGGG" awesome line

- ohhh the cheer chant makes sense now

- "I WISH YOUR DAD WERE GOOD I WISH GROWNUPS UNDERSTOOD" #mood

- "I wish I had more tnt" bruh

- she really brought a croquet mallet to a gun fight and won

- NO NO-ONE CAN HERE HER THEY'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEE

- "I still believe there's good in everyone," she's willing to die for them I'm crying

- "I am damaged" IM DEAD IM SOBBING I CAN'T ANYMORE

- IT'S REPEATING 17 BUT THIS TIME THEY CAN NEVER GET THE HAPPY ENDING

- "please stand back now. A little further,"

- "our love is god," "say hi to god" I'm a wreck now btw <3

- "you look like hell," "I just got back" SLAYYYYYY

- the parking of the mobility scooter got me ok. I have to be honest

- "my date for the pep rally kinda blew uuuuuuuuu - me off" that really blows Veronica

- "my friendddd" :') they're healing

- "if no-one loves me now, someday somebody will," awwwwww ok this is fixing me

- the overlap of beautiful and 17 works so well because there's so much hopeeeee

- BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFULLLLLLL

- even the bows are good

Ok that's it now if you made it to here I'm impressed because that's about 3000 words :)

Byeee

[river-demon-slayer]

Study Diary #14

It's been a long time and I was crazy busy. Last Saturday (3rd August, 2024) was the last working day of one of my co-workers. They were the one who taught me how to make latte heART. We went out drinking the whole night and I returned home at 5:40am. The first two pictures are from when I was walking back home. Also, the birthday of a close friend is on Thursday (8th August, 2024) and I have made this greeting card for them. I hope they like it. I will be working on the Chapter I for my dissertation. Very stressed about it.

Song Recommendations - Brought the Heat Back by Enhypen (I love horror-comedy).

[pandenewie]

GAMEBOY

SYNOPSIS:

Heeseung visits the same Gamestop every Tuesday and Thursday after his afternoon lecture. Not only because of the hidden gems he finds in the two for one sales bin, but also because of the insanely cute worker who just picked up that shift…

PAIRING: heeseung x fem!oc

GENRE: nonidol!au, college!au, slow burn, strangers to ???, fluff, angst (light)

WORD COUNT: 6.9k

AN: This is a special chapter for my Sunghoon smau “Diary of a Homewrecker” which you can read here :) You don’t need to read the smau to understand this fic. Can be read as x reader if you want, just change the name to y/n :)

Read part 2 here :))

Everyone who knows Lee Heeseung knows that he’s not the most… romantic of people. Not to say he doesn’t try - the amount of rom coms in his Netflix “Watch again” section could put your average 15 year old girl to shame. But despite the amount of “research” he’s done, all Heeseung’s relationships tend to end before they even begin. Maybe some people just aren’t cut out for romance. And some people just don’t know when to quit…

“I know you think I’m crazy but I promise you, we were flirting.” Heeseung repeats, for probably the 5th time since he got in the car. After years of friendship with the older boy, Jay knows it’s best to just hum and nod in agreement whenever Heeseung get’s like this. Heeseung is a handsome dude. So honestly, the chance of some random girl at their college campus flirting with him is quite large. But is it worth making this much of a fuss about it? Absolutely not.

This is how it always goes with Heeseung. He’ll show interest in someone, talk about them non-stop for a few days, go on a date or two if he’s lucky, before the whole thing ends within about a week. It’s a pattern the boys have become very familiar with - so much that there’s a shared schedule between the other 6 friends for who’s on “Heartbroken Heeseung Duty”.

Jay knows this won’t end any differently from the other times Heeseung has found “the one”. Hell, the whole world probably knows at this point. But with Heeseung being such a hopeless romantic and the glimmer of hope in his eyes as he recounts the story once again, Jay doesn’t have the heart to tell him.

It’s not creepy. At least that’s what Heeseung tries to tell himself, as he walks through the sliding doors of the all-too-familiar Gamestop. He’s certainly no stranger to this place - the cream coloured brick and vibrant “For Sale” signs giving a sense of familiarity. Hell, this place is like a second home at this point. So why does Heeseung feel so anxious today?

Well for starters, it’s Friday. Which marks this momentous occasion as his third Gamestop trip this week. Although many would argue that Heeseung has a gaming addiction, three trips in one week is definitely a first.

Despite Heeseung’s life being what many would call a mess, he has very few routines that he absolutely swears by. Visit Gamestop on Tuesday after his lecture, pick out the games he wants to buy, and hide them at the very bottom of the sales bin. Then, once he gets paid Wednesday night, he’ll come back on Thursday to buy the games. That’s the way it’s been since he started university and it’s something he never planned on changing. That was until he saw her.

Now Heeseung never really paid much attention to the workers at Gamestop. They were usually socially awkward teens just trying to make a few bucks and therefore never stood out to him. Until this week…

As soon as the familiar beep of the sliding doors rings through the air, Heeseung makes a b-line for the sales bin at the back of the store. The shop is as quiet as it normally is at 2pm on a Tuesday, leaving Heeseung to comfortably browse before having to pick Ni-ki up from school at 3.

Just as he is deciding between two games, he feels a presence come up behind him - making him internally groan at the thought of communication with another person. But a sudden cherry voice breaks through his sour mood, causing his ears to prick up at the melodic sound.

“Hi! Is there anything I can help you with today?” 

Heeseung turns around to find himself face to face with one of the most beautiful women he’s ever seen. With big sparkling eyes and a grin that seems to light up the room - honest to god, if she weren’t standing right before his very eyes, he’d assume she wasn’t real. But as her head tilts in slight confusion - the bright smile not leaving her face, he releases that she is in fact real and he is in fact staring.

Clearing his throat nervously, Heeseung looks away from the girl - suddenly finding some co-op game on the shelf incredibly interesting. “J-just looking, thanks.” He manages to let out, mentally cursing himself for the stutter and waver in his voice.

The girl's smile seems to grow even more, if that’s even possible. Her eyes crinkle as she gently bows to Heeseung. “Ok, if you need anything don’t be afraid to ask. I’ll just be at the front desk.” She says before retreating to her former position.

Heeseung lets out the breath he didn’t realise he was holding as he watches her walk away. That had to be one of the most awkward interactions he’d had in a while. And yet, he’d do almost anything to experience it again. Because no amount of awkwardness could override the pure warmth he felt in the presence of the strange girl.

So here he stands on a Friday afternoon, mindlessly flicking through the games he has no intention of buying as his gaze focuses once again on the girl at the counter. Part of him is just happy to see her face. The way her eyes light up when a customer purchases a game she’s particularly interested in. The way she laughs and jokes around with her coworkers when the store’s a little quiet. But another part of him wishes it was him. That he’s the one she enthuses over games with. He’s the one making her laugh as if he’s just told the best joke of the decade. For now though, he’s more than happy just to watch. 

It’s not creepy.

“It is kinda creepy hyung.” Ni-ki mumbles from his position on the couch. Although his focus appears to be on the game he is currently playing, he couldn’t help but listen intently as Heeseung retold the events of his Gamestop trip.

“Hey! I’m not creepy!” Heeseung exclaims in offence, causing his younger friend to roll his eyes. “I never said you were creepy, just that your actions are.” Ni-ki states matter-of-factly. “Because you’d be so much better.” Heeseung bites back, ripping the controller out of his friend’s hand when the flashing “You Died” comes across the screen. Ni-ki scowls at his hyung as he lays back into the couch. “At least I can talk to girls.” He mumbles, thankful that his friend doesn’t hear the words.

A few weeks pass until Heeseung see’s who his friends have affectionately dubbed “Gamestop Girl” again. Not once in those weeks did she leave his mind; a pang of disappointment hitting his chest each time he entered the store, only to find some pimply high schooler instead. But boy, were those weeks of disappointment worth it for the image in front of him.

Heeseung didn’t think that she could get any brighter - any more perfect. Her warm and cheerful smile was now matched with the golden glow of her skin, indicating a possible vacation (which would explain her weeks of absence). Her hair, slightly longer than before though not enough for the regular person to notice. Heeseung noticed. To put it simply, she was absolutely breathtaking.

“Sale bin guy!”

The sudden exclamation breaks Heeseung out of his thoughts as he looks around the room for the origin of the sound. As his eyes land back on the girl, he sees her already looking at him with her familiar smile. That’s when it dawns on him that he is in fact “Sale Bin Guy”.

“Uh.. what?” Heeseung stutters out as she makes her way towards him. “You always come for the sale bin, right? There’s some nice hidden gems in there - I was actually just on my way to restock it.” She rambles on, walking to the back of the store where the bin is located. Heeseung’s feet seem to move on their own as he follows her to the back of the store.

“So, are you looking for anything particular today?” She asks as she begins filling the sale bin with all sorts of games. “I was kinda hoping you’d have Halo - one of my friend’s has been begging me to play.” He says, taking note of each game as she puts them in the bin. “We have Halo, not on sale though. It’s super popular so it’s usually full price unfortunately.” She says, sending him a quick sympathetic smile. Heeseung immediately decides he doesn’t like this smile as much.

“That’s why I haven’t got it yet, it doesn't really fit my broke college student aesthetic.” He jokes, feeling a sense of pride when she giggles a little. “Maybe if you weren’t buying the sale games every week you could save up for Halo.” She says, causing Heeseung to laugh sheepishly. “I’ve got a feral teenager at home who goes through games like he’s getting paid so… I’ll stick to the sale bin for now.” Heeseung says. Although it isn’t a joke, the girl laughs anyway and that sense of pride shoots through Heeseung once again.

The pair continue to make small talk as Heeseung looks through the games and he only suddenly realises that she’s wearing a nametag. Whilst trying to be as subtle as possible, he glances down at the tag and smiles as he reads the name - Ari.

“Ari, huh?” Jay asks, not even remotely enthusiastic to be talking about his friend’s love life. This one has lasted much longer than the others, he’ll give him that. But it’s not like this has actually gone anyway either.

“Isn’t it just perfect?” Heeseung sighs, his lovestruck tone making Jay want to vomit. “And how many times have you spoken to her?” He asks, causing Heeseung to blush with embarrassment. “Well… technically twice. If you count the first one.” He mumbles, making Jay snicker. “And you’re already head over heels for her? That’s weird, even for you.” Jay says, making Heeseung roll his eyes.

“Didn’t you tell your ex that you loved them after like, 2 days?” Heeseung asks. Now it’s Jay’s turn to roll his eyes - his past relationship often being brought up in an attempt to prove a point. “At least I was dating them! What do you even know about this girl aside from where she works?” Jay asks, going back on topic.

Heeseung stays silent as the realisation hits that he, in fact, knows nothing about Ari. Well that certainly needs to change.

“Can you request some games?” Heeseung asks, practically interrupting Ari as she went to greet him. She looks at him a little in shock before breaking out into her all familiar smile. “Well nice to see you too, what sort of thing are you after?” She asks. “Anything? I just got a Nintendo Switch and all I have is Super Smash Bros and this one about a cup.” Heeseung says, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. “Cuphead? Yeah that one can be kinda weird for new players.” Ari giggles slightly before taking Heeseung towards the switch games.

“Well, I’m certainly the girl you’re looking for; me and my switch are basically attached at the hip.” Ari jokes as she looks at the games they have lining the shelves. “You said you already have Smash Bros which would be one of my go-tos. Another would probably be Animal Crossing which you’ve no doubt heard of?” Ari asks, turning back to see Heeseung nod enthusiastically. “Yeah, so that’s super fun if you’re into more chill games. I personally find it very therapeutic but I can also spend all day playing it so you’ve gotta be careful.”

“Then there’s super well known games like Legends of Zelda, Sonic, and other Mario games. They’re the typical ones that you would get in a beginner switch pack. Zelda’s probably my favourite out of those ones but the others are good too.”

“There’s also a whole punch of Pokemon games. I’m probably not the best to recommend those since I know nothing about Pokemon aside from the fact that they’re cute. But I’ve heard they’re good so if you’re into that it’s worth a try.”

Heeseung honestly feels like he should be taking notes with the amount of information Ari is spitting at him. It’s very clear that she rambles when she gets excited, which Heeseung can’t help but smile at.

“So… see any you like?” Ari asks, beaming up at him as her rant comes to an end. “Uh… I’ll be honest I kinda blanked out. You’re just like… really cute.” Heeseung admits, mumbling the last part. If Ari heard it, she certainly acts like she didn’t as she playfully rolls her eyes at him. “How about you start with Animal Crossing and Zelda? Those are my favourites.” She suggests. “Plus, they’re on sale right now, so perfect for a broke college student.” She adds, a slight teasing tone in her voice. Heeseung just nods in agreement as he follows her up to the counter.

“I’m Heeseung by the way.” Heeseung suddenly says as she’s checking out his items. He’s not sure why he tells her his name - maybe it’s just an excuse to keep talking? “Nice to meet you Heeseung, I’m Ari but you probably already know that.” She says smiling. “Yeah… it’s a really beautiful name.” He says without thinking, causing her smile to widen as she thanks him.

“I’ll tell you what, Heeseung.” Ari says, grabbing a pen as his receipt starts to print out. Once printed, she flips over to the blank side and starts writing something down. “That’s my Nintendo ID and Discord. Animal Crossing can be multiplayer, so once you’ve established your island a little… I’d love to have a look.” She says.

“I can’t believe you’re ditching us to play Animal Crossing with some chick.” Jake grumbles as he pushes his way into Heeseung’s apartment. Sunghoon quickly follows suit, sending Heeseung a disapproving look before sitting on the couch. “I literally see you guys all the time and I don’t know when I’ll get to play with her again. Don’t act like you guys wouldn’t do the exact same thing.” Heeseung rolls his eyes. “Jake wouldn’t know, he’s never had a girlfriend.” Sunghoon teases, causing Jake to shove his shoulder. “Says the guy who can’t even talk to his crush!” A mini fight breaks out between the boys, causing Heeseung to rub his temples in frustration.

“What are you guys even doing here? I text the groupchat this morning that I couldn’t come.” Heeseung says. “They’re here for me. Not everything’s about you, hyung.” Niki pokes his tongue at the oldest friend, causing Heeseung to roll his eyes yet again. “You’re right. How silly of me to think people came to my house to see me.” Heeseung says sarcastically. “Feel free to leave him wherever you’re going. It’d be nice to have my couch back.” Heeseung continues, picking up the pillow Niki sleeps with and throwing it at his youngest friend.

Once the guys have left the house, Heeseung lets out a sigh of relief at the sudden silence. The short amount of chaos from his friends managed to distract him from how nervous he is. He quickly glances at the clock on the wall - 5:50. 10 minutes until Ari’s shift finishes. 10 minutes until he’ll be showing her his progress in Animal Crossing.

Realistically, there’s nothing to be nervous about. He won’t be able to see her face so he can’t get distracted by her beautiful features. Plus he has the game to focus on and hopefully stop him from saying anything stupid. Everything will be fine.

“Heeseung! Can you hear me?” Ari’s cheery voice blasts through his headphones, sending a spark of energy right to Heeseung’s heart. Ok, maybe everything won’t be fine. “I uh… yeah.” Heeseung manages, clearing his throat. “Ok cool. I’m just loading into your island. Where do you want to meet me?” She asks. “Um… I have a cherry blossom tree at the front of my island. I’ll wait there.” Heeseung says, smiling to himself as Ari goes on a mini rant about how cute the cherry blossoms are in the game.

As the two of them continue to explore Heeseung’s island, Ari seems to carry the conversation. She’s letting out praises for how well he’s done despite not playing that long, talking about her favourite parts of the island, and cracking jokes about certain villagers. Heeseung finds himself happily content with just listening to her, responding with hums of agreement and the occasional sentence when asked a question.

“Sorry, I know I talk a lot. You can tell me to shut up if I’m too annoying.” Ari jokes, causing Heeseung’s face to fall. Although she played it off as a joke, part of him thinks that she’s being serious. “Don’t apologize. I like listening to you talk. Especially since I suck at it.” Heeseung reassures. He hopes she knows he means it. The thought of someone like her thinking she’s annoying is just wrong.

“Ok. But I want you to talk too.” Ari says. “What should I talk about?” Heeseung asks, his nerves coming back now that he’s been put on the spot. “I just rambled about my childhood dog for 5 minutes cause a villager reminded me of him. You can talk about anything.” Ari assures.

So Heeseung rambles on about anything that comes to mind. University, work, his friends being stupid, even that one time he had to break into his own house because he accidentally threw his keys in the trash. The game became long forgotten as the two get caught up in learning more about each other.

Heeseung doesn’t even notice the time, until he hears the front door of his apartment open. Ni-ki soon walks into Heeseung’s room, eyes widening when he sees that he’s still talking to that girl. 

“Oh? It’s my roommate.” Heeseung says into his mic, attempting to shoo Ni-ki out of his room. Dodging Heeseung’s waving arm, Ni-ki pulls the headphones off his head, yelling a quick hello into the mic before Heeseung fights him off. “Get out you rat.” Heeseung whisper-yells, adjusting the headphones so they’re back in their original position. The sound of Ari’s laughter quickly fills his eardrums, causing a dopey smile to spread across his face. “Simp.” Ni-ki scoffs before leaving to find something to eat.

“I’m guessing that’s the feral teenager?” Ari asks, causing Heeseung to sigh. “Yeah… he can be a lot. I guess I love him though.” Heeseung says, checking the time to see that it is in fact quite late. “I should probably go eat something. And make sure he doesn’t burn down my apartment.” Heeseung sighs, not wanting to stop talking but equally not wanting to starve. Or find himself homeless. “I should probably go too. I’ve got an early class tomorrow.” Ari agrees. “I had a lot of fun tonight. We should do this again.” She continues, causing Heeseung to agree a little too quickly. “Ok well, go feed your feral teenager. I’ll talk to you later Heeseung.” Ari says, disconnecting the call after Heeseung lets out a small “goodbye”

Playing together soon becomes a natural thing for Heeseung and Ari. It started with her visiting his Animal Crossing island without him knowing - leaving small presents for him to find later. That led to a game of hide and seek on each other’s islands, where they would call and time each other to see how quickly they could find each other’s presents. Now, fast forward a few weeks and the two have just started a minecraft server - which Ari affectionately named “Gamestop Besties”.

Besties. Heeseung hates that word. He’d call Jay and Ni-ki his besties. He’d call Sunghoon and Jake his besties. Heck, he’d even call his mum his bestie if she didn’t smack him for it. But the thought of him and Ari being besties honestly terrifies him. Because part of him thinks that’s all they’ll ever be. Besties.

“What the fuck?” Heeseung exclaims, his eyes furrowing in confusion as his character walks back to what once was his and Ari’s beautifully built Minecraft house. He says was because half the house is now missing, with a large hole in the wall. “Creeper.” Ari admits. “I forgot they existed.” She continues. “How do you forget about Creepers?” Heeseung laughs. “Well I didn’t have to deal with them until someone killed my cat.” Ari states.

A moment of silence falls between the two before Heeseung sighs. “I’ll get you a new cat.” He says, walking off to try and find a village. “I’ll start rebuilding the house… and make you a new bed.” Ari mumbles the last part, causing Heeseung to gasp. “You blew up my bed?!?”

It’s been almost a week since Ari and Heeseung last played Minecraft together. Now, for most people that’s not considered a long amount of time. But for people who have been playing together nearly everyday, it’s a big deal. She hasn’t been responding to messages either, which has Heeseung especially worried.

Heeseung gets woken from his sleep by a discord notification. For a second, he considers ignoring it and going back to sleep. That’s until he remembers that he only has notifications on for Ari’s messages.

Heeseung practically jumps out of bed, quickly shoving on the glasses he hates wearing before sitting down at his computer. His eyes take a bit of time to adjust to the bright light before he is able to read the messages:

Aristocat: Hey sorry for not replying. Just had some personal stuff going on ://

Heebeejeebee: u okay?

Aristocat: Uh?? I think?? Idk my boyfriend and I broke up lol

Aristocat: But I’m allgoods now

Heeseung’s eyes widen at the message. She had a boyfriend this whole time? Why didn’t she think to tell him? He can’t help but feel like an idiot for not knowing.

Heebeejeebee: Oh. I didn’t know you had a boyfriend?

Aristocat: Yeah haha I didn’t talk about him

Aristocat: Was gonna wait until we weren’t having problems

Aristocat: But it doesn’t matter now ig

Heebeejeebee: How are you feeling?

Aristocat: Sad lol

Aristocat: I can’t sleep

Aristocat: Can we play minecraft?

Heebeejeebee: Yeah just one sec

Ari fell asleep at her computer not long after loading into their shared world. Partially due to the fact that it was well past midnight. But Heeseung likes to think that it’s because the sound of his voice - spoken in soft whispers as to not wake up Ni-ki, was able to lull her to sleep. The quiet “thank you” she let out before drifting off to dream land certainly made it seem like it.

Nothing gets one's mind off falling in love with a friend quite like alcohol does. As Heeseung downs his sixth shot of night and asks Ni-ki to grab him yet another beer, his friends start to think that something’s up.

“I’m a pussy.” Heeseung groans, setting his empty shot glass down on the table. “No arguments there.” Sunghoon chimes in, earning him a few glares from their other friends. “What? He’s getting all mopey over something that hasn’t even happened. Sounds like bitchless behaviour to me.” Sunghoon argues, the pink flush to his cheeks showing he’s not far off from Heeseung’s drunkenness.

“Maybe you should have some water hyung.” Jungwon suggests, attempting to get Heeseung out of his chair. “You don’t think I’m bitchless, do you Wonie?” Heeseung asks, grabbing the younger boy’s hand and looking deeply into his eyes. Almost pleading with him. “Uh.. well you are single so… technically?” Jungwon grimaces at the sound of Heeseung’s head banging against the table, a loud whine escaping his lips. He soon goes on a rant about how much of a loser he is, Jungwon rubbing his back sympathetically as he looks to his older friends for help.

None of them knows what to do. Heeseung’s dramatic sometimes, sure. And he’s certainly known to get a bit over the top when he’s drinking, but he’s never been like this. Sure, they know he’s crushing on Gamestop Girl. But this is the first time he’s gotten so worked up over someone. It leaves them thinking that his feelings for Ari are a lot stronger than he’s letting on.

Fun fact, Heeseung is a sloppy drunk. This is evident in the way that he can barely stand up by himself, needing both Ni-ki and Ari to carry him out of Jay’s apartment. “My car’s just across the street.” Ari says, pointing at one of the few cars parked at this time of night.

When she first got the call from Heeseung that night, she was excited. But as he started to mumble incoherent words through the line, she quickly realised that he was drunk. The phone was soon taken over by his roommate Ni-ki - who quickly explained the situation. So here she is, driving home her drunk friend and his teenage roommate at 2 in the morning.

“Sorry again Noona. Jay was gonna give us a ride but he got tricked into doing shots with Jake.” Ni-ki apologises, causing Ari to wave him off nonchalantly, smiling gently at the younger boy. “It’s fine. I wasn’t doing anything important. Besides, at least this way I know he’s getting home safe.” Ari states, readjusting her grip around Heeseung’s torso to stop him from falling.

Once Heeseung is safely in the backseat, Ni-ki gives directions to their apartment. Ari finds herself looking through the rearview mirror at Heeseung’s sleeping figure throughout the drive. He was still awake and functioning when he called her, so the fact that he managed to drink enough to pass out since then is worrying. 

By the time they’ve made it to the apartment, Heeseung has woken up a little. Although his eyes are still closed - he is at least responding to his name now, humming lowly and nodding his head whenever the word falls from someone’s lips.

The two carefully carry Heeseung up the stairs to his apartment, laying him down in his room. Ni-ki leaves to get his hyung some water, leaving Ari sitting at the foot of Heeseung’s bed. She gently wipes away the hair that has stuck to his forehead and tugs his shirt down that had ridden up, revealing some of his stomach.

“Heeseung?” Ari asks, causing the boy to hum at the sound of her voice - a dopey smile adorning his lips. “Ni-ki’s getting you some water. Can you sit up?” She asks, lacing her fingers through his and attempting to pull him into a sitting position. Heeseung allows her to move him around, dropping his head onto her shoulder with a thud.

“Be careful.” Ari softly scolds, bringing her hand to gently rub the part of his head he hit on her shoulder. The two find themselves in comfortable silence as they wait for Ni-ki to return. 

“Ari?” Heeseung asks quietly, his words muffled slightly as he presses his face further into her neck. “Did you do this kinda stuff with your boyfriend?” He continues. Her fingers halt their movement at the sudden question, causing Heeseung to whine and press his head further into her hand.

Ari’s not sure what to answer. Does he mean look after him when he’s drunk? Is it the fact that she’s caressing his head? Heeseung sighs at her silence, mumbling a quiet nevermind before completely pulling away to lay down on the bed. Ari watches him for a moment, confusion written all over her features as she processes what just happened. Part of her knows exactly what he meant, after all, Heeseung isn’t the most subtle person in the world. She immediately shoves that thought down though, not emotionally ready to unpack it just yet.

Finally, Ni-ki returns with the water and gives Ari the greenlight to go home. Part of her wants to stay and make sure Heeseung’s okay, but she finds herself walking out of the apartment before she can even think of an excuse not to.

“Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed.” Heeseung exclaims, resting his head on the table in the kitchen. He can remember everything from the night before, and he’s not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse. Ni-ki pats his friend’s back sympathetically but offers no further help to the situation. 

“Do I text her and apologise? Or do I wait for her to bring it up? What if she doesn’t remember and bringing it up only makes things worse? Wait, she was sober so of course she remembers!” Heeseung throws his head back in frustration, letting out a loud groan. “I am never getting out of the friendzone.” He whines, causing Ni-ki to roll his eyes. “You’re hopeless, hyung.” Ni-ki sighs before returning to the game he’s playing on his phone.

Trying to pretend everything is normal proves to be a difficult task. Heeseung remembers very clearly what he said to Ari the night he got drunk. He knows the implications behind his words and part of him wonders if Ari knows too.

She’s been normal, for the most part. Her voice, just as cheery when the two play games. Her smile, just as bright when they facetime late into the night. Everything seems fine on her end, and Heeseung can’t help but feel that maybe he’s the problem.

“Are you still awake?” Ari’s voice sounds through his phone speakers, snapping Heeseung out of his thoughts. “Yeah… I didn’t think you were.” Heeseung admits, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He grabs his phone from where it’s resting on his nightstand, holding it so she can see his face more clearly. “Can’t sleep.” Ari admits; a small smile on her lips when Heeseung’s face comes into focus. “I feel restless.” She adds, slightly laughing in disbelief. 

You’d think after a day of uni, a five hour shift and multiple hours spent gaming, she’d have run out of energy by now. But here she lays at an unspeakable hour in the morning, not an ounce of tiredness in her body.

“Restless?” Heeseung asks, intrigued. “Yeah… like I need to get out of the house or something.” Ari sighs, running her hands through her hair. A moment of silence passes between them before Ari sighs once more.

“I think I’m gonna go for a drive. Clear my mind.” She says, picking up her phone as she goes on a hunt for her car keys. “Okay.” Heeseung says, his heart falling a bit at the thought of her hanging up.

Another moment of silence…

“Do you want to come?”

Sat in the passenger seat of Ari’s car, Heeseung feels his heart being pulled in two different directions. On one hand, he gets to spend more time with the woman he’s grown to love. He gets to bask in her presence, her scent sending his heart into a peaceful bliss. On the other hand, she isn’t as warm as normal. Her voice, not as cherry; her smile, not as bright. It’s as if someone has taken all the light from her heart. And thus, breaking Heeseung’s at the same time.

The car is fairly silent, some random radio station playing softly in the background. Neither Heeseung nor Ari make any move to start conversation - finding solace in the comfortable silence.

As the two pull into a nearly abandoned car park, Ari sits back in her chair - running her hands through her hair once more. Something she does when she’s stressed, Heeseung’s noticed.

“Is everything okay?” Heeseung asks, watching her from the passenger seat. He’s been watching her since she picked him up, her movements, mannerisms, the way she gently hums along to the radio when she knows a certain song. All things that would usually bring a smile to Heeseung’s face. But not tonight - not when there’s clearly something wrong.

Ari hums gently in response, turning in her seat to face Heeseung. Her eyes are tired, though still shimmering in a way that would put the entire galaxy to shame. “Have you ever given so much of yourself to someone, only for it to not be enough?” She asks softly. Heeseung can’t help the way he softly bites his lip, nodding gently to her question. “I think I know what you mean.” He says.

It’s one of Heeseung’s greatest fears, not being enough. Giving your everything to someone, to live, think and breathe all for them, only to have it all to be gone in the blink of an eye. It’s the reason Heeseung has never been in a serious relationship - as much as he is obsessed with the idea of falling in love, he’s scared. Because Heeseung falls hard and fast, and he wonders if there’s anyone in the world willing to fall with him.

Ari is everything Heeseung has ever wished for in human form. She feels and expresses her emotions more than anyone he has ever met. It’s what made her so different from everyone else he’s been interested in. Because some childish part of him believes in fate. And god, does this seem like it.

“You spaced out again.” Ari comments, causing Heeseung to sheepishly rub the back of his neck, mumbling a small apology. “I don’t suppose you have a remedy for a broken heart in that interesting head of yours?” Ari asks. She brings her finger up to gently poke between Heeseung’s brows, the furrow he didn’t even know about immediately fading.

“Me”

Heeseung is an idiot. The mix of shock and confusion on Ari’s face confirms that he did, in fact, say that out loud. His expression can’t help but mirror hers as he racks his brain for something… anything to say that can fix this. Is it even worth attempting to play it off? Or should he just man up and confess? He’s basically already started… so might as well give her an explanation.

“Fuck Ari… I just can’t stand to see you like this. Knowing that I could love you more than he ever did. Treat you better than he ever did. It pains me to think that he would just throw you away like you’re nothing, when there are people like me… people who would do anything to just hold you and feel you and love you.”

“You are so bright and warm and radiant and just so pretty. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. And I know you don’t believe me, which makes you even more beautiful in my eyes.”

“I know, this is the worst time to tell you but I can’t just keep acting like it’s nothing. Like I feel nothing… It’s killing me, Ari.” Heeseung finishes, the hint of desperation in his voice causing Ari’s eyes to soften.

“Heeseung…” Ari lets out, not too sure how to respond. “I’m sorry. I know you’re upset and I just sprung all my feelings onto you, I should never have-”

“Heeseung.” Ari cuts him off, her tone a little sterner at the sound of his rambling. Heeseung bites his lips nervously as he awaits his fatal rejection. “Listen… you’re amazing, Heeseung…”

And there it goes. The infamous line is one he’s heard many times in his life. It starts off as a sweet compliment, almost tricking him into thinking there’s a possibility that just maybe they return his feelings. But all the hope of reciprocation goes out the window as soon as the word but is mumbled. You’re amazing Heeseung but just as a friend. You’re amazing Heeseung but you’re too much for me.

“Heeseung.” Ari repeats for a third time, once again breaking him out of his thoughts. He lets out a hum to let her know he’s listening, his eyes zoning in on a particularly interesting thread on his shirt. “Can you look at me, please?” Ari asks softly, reaching out to gently pull his hand away from the thread - hoping her touch will help to ease his mind in some way.

Heeseung reluctantly brings his eyes up to meet hers, trying to ignore the way his hand practically goes numb from the warmth of her own. Like it’s ascended to heaven from her touch alone. Ari sends him a small smile before continuing what she’s saying:

“Heeseung, I want you to believe me 100% when I say that you are one of the nicest, most considerate guys I’ve ever met. And I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life, who sees me and cares for me the way that you do.”

But… There’s always a but…

“But… it’s just not gonna work. Not right now, at least.”

Heeseung’s eyebrows furrow at her words. Usually rejections are so blatant and obvious, you’d be a fool to go away with any questions. So why is Ari rejecting him in a way that still leaves him with hope?

“You have been nothing but sweet and patient and attentive towards me and my feelings. You deserve to be with someone who will give you the same back, if not more. I’m sorry but… I don’t think I can do that for you right now… and I don’t know how long it’ll be until I can.”

Ari finishes her sentence with a gentle squeeze to Heeseung’s hand. He slowly lets go of the breath he was holding, being sure to squeeze back. “I understand.” He says quietly, a small smile on his face.

If there’s one thing Heeseung doesn’t know how to do, it’s give up. What sounded like a perfectly normal rejection to most people sounded completely different to Heeseung’s head. Because to him, the difference between no and not now is ginormous. And Ari didn’t tell him no.

The drive back to Heeseung’s apartment is equally as silent as the one before. Despite the relationship between the two not changing the way Heeseung would have liked, he can’t help the small smile on his face and the sudden feeling of freedom in his heart.

They mumble soft goodbyes as Heeseung gets out of the car, Ari winding down her window to watch him walk to his door. Before he can think, Heeseung turns back around to face her - causing Ari’s eyebrows to furrow with confusion.

“I’ll wait for you. As long as you’ll let me.” Heeseung says, holding out his pinkie as a promise. They both know what he means, and the thought alone brings a smile to Ari’s face.

Jay is a good friend. He reads people easily, noticing the small signs of what someone might be thinking. It’s definitely not psychic, but if there’s anyone in the world who’s close - it would be him.

Which is why he’s mentally beating himself up. Heeseung sits across from him at the campus cafeteria, happily eating his sandwich. And for the first time in their years of friendship, Jay can’t tell what he’s thinking.

It’s no secret that Heeseung has been oddly private recently… especially since he’s someone who’s known to share his life events with anyone willing to listen. Ever since the whole thing with Ari fell through (Jay assumes, since Heeseung hasn’t mentioned her in months) Heeseung hasn’t shared the story around his love life with any of the guys.

Speaking of the devil, Heeseung’s eyes light up as he sends a cheerful wave towards someone behind Jay - that someone turning out to be none other than Ari.

She politely bows to Jay before turning to face her friend. “I thought you had a lecture?” She asks. “Yeah but the cafeteria was gonna close and I really wanted a sandwich.” Heeseung says, motioning to the snack he’s currently holding. “You’re such a dork.” Ari giggles, glancing at the clock before her eyes widen. “Oh shit, I’ve got work.” She exclaims, pulling her phone out of her pocket to text someone. “I’ll call you later.” She continues, affectionately squeezing Heeseung’s shoulder before leaving.

Jay’s eyes stay furrowed with confusion, even as Heeseung turns back to face him. “What’s wrong?” Heeseung asks, taking another bite of his sandwich. Jay shakes his head slightly, looking down at his own food. “Nothing I just… I didn’t know you two were still talking.” Jay shrugs.

Now it’s Heeseung’s turn to be confused. He and Ari talk everyday? She even comes around every Thursday night and makes Tacos with him and Ni-ki. Why would Jay think they stopped talking?

The realisation suddenly hits him. Ever since he confessed, he hasn’t felt the need to mention Ari or his feelings towards her to the other guys. Since nothing will be coming from it anytime soon, he figured it’d be best to stop annoying them about it.

“Oh, yeah she rejected me a couple months back.” Heeseung says nonchalantly, causing Jay to look at him in shock. “It’s all good though. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship and everything stayed basically the same. I just don’t talk about her cause… y’know, not like anything’s happening.” He continues. “Oh, well that’s good to know.” Jay nods, causing Heeseung to smirk at his friend.

“Why… do you miss gossiping about my love life?” He asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “I’m not Sunoo.” Jay groans, rolling his eyes but smiling at his friend nonetheless. “Don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know if anything changes.” Heeseung says, happily taking a bite of his sandwich.

Heeseung still isn’t the best when it comes to love. But he’s certainly learning. This time last year, he would’ve had his week of crying and moved onto someone new. It’s honestly refreshing for Jay to see such a change in his friend. And if he knows anything about Heeseung, it’s that he doesn’t change for just anyone. Which means that this Ari girl must be pretty darn special.

[klein3ngl]

PARADISE; a headcanon (more like rambling)

the other day I was thinking and I don't know if somebody else has mentioned this before, which would be pretty normal considering the game came out like 11 YEARS AGO or so.

but still, I wanna ramble a bit.

✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪

Let's suppose every dude is the same dude, let's suppose. Well actually this is not that necessary for this, but it's something I'll save for later.

In the first "Postal" game in the diary he complains about how he hears gunshots, screams and in general everybody is crazy in Paradise. And if you play pacifist during "Postal 2" everybody's nuts except you, apparently? like they're not scared to pull a gun against each other for a simple misunderstanding, the police doesn't do shit and doesn't cares enough (look just like irl haha), everybody seems to be okay with the fact that there is terrorist group that one day assaulted the church and the next day everyone goes there like nothing happened, etc.

During "Postal 2" he's pretty casual about it, just mildly annoyed if it gets in his way, as if he's just desensitized from all that madness. Or he's just as deranged as everyone else, which is pretty logic too. Maybe both.

I think it also depends a bit if they're all the same guy or if every postal dude is a different character too; in case they're different people P2 (and P3 in "Paradise Lost") is just as nuts as everyone else, maybe not THAT much, but still cuckoo. But in case they're all the same guy he's just tired of everyone's bullshit and definitely desensitized because, let's suppose the asylum he got locked it at the end of the first game it's the paradise one, the one we can visit in "Postal 2"; the workers are as mad as the patients, he must have seen a lot of stuff, even more fucked up things that casual townies could and would do (and let's not start with his hallucinations).

[ for me I like the second one, I find more appealing the idea that he's just a normal (mentally ill) guy who's been pushed to his limits haha ]

Not trying to defend dude by any means, what he has done in 1997 is horrible (although if it's the same place we see in the second game it would just be another casual day in paradise).

Maybe P1 was right with all that sickness thing, or maybe that's what his mind came to with as a way to try justifying why paradise is like that.

✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪

I dunno, running with scissors leaving the postal dude as a blank canvas which everyone can have different interpretations, is both a blessing and a curse if you like to pick every piece of media surrounding postal and trying to make some logical headcanons according to the character(s) and/or lore UGH.

ngl it's also my fault for trying to find the coherence in a game like postal lol

[blueiight]

Weird question to ask but how insane is lestat for Louis? I never read the books I only watched the show so I don't know if it different in the novels

i'd say lestat is deeply in love with louis and is just as insane about him as vice versa. in the book interview we’re mainly exposed to louis’s limited pov, with none of claudia’s diaries supplementing or anything else that we saw in the show. so we see lestat , armand + claudia solely thru his eyes. lestat in the first book manages to find beauty in louis's most banal, cruel self, toying on the qualities in him that already existed, and we learn in the later chronicles lestat had such an adoring perspective on louis in these moments (+ onward in the later story).

i think the show does a good job of preserving the beats of their early dynamic, with the opera singer serving as a subsitute for the dead sex worker lestat killed here, with lestat begging for louis to realize he is a killer too. 👇🏾

and the show does a good job of working with the romance. i’ve talked before or alluded to how in the second cour of interview book louis was haunted by lestat’s specter because of what he didnt know about lestat (especially considering he knew far less of lestat then), regretting the answers he never gave or received in their relationship& also longing for the familiarity of lestat in the face of such an unfamiliar environment. but lestat in his quest for fame in the vampire lestat, is also in part motivated by the urge to respond to what louis said in the in universe iwtv, and to reunite with louis.. just alone u can see how loving lestat is in his thought of louis, almost prideful in louis breaking the rules as he did too, and his recollection of it all, that in his violation of marius’s teachings, he managed to create this unholy family with a man he loved so passionately.

lestat describes gabrielle and louis as his “two greatest loves” in n qotd, and in tobt this 👇🏾is how he recalls his pov in when he first fell /thought of the louis he met in interview.

im mainly setting u up w references to the first four or so odd books bc u seem to have very little if any reference of them so far. but a lot of other things happen, louis is part of lestat’s motivation to escape damnation in mtd, when louis attempts suicide in merrick 2000, lestat ends up giving louis his 2x superpowered blood[ qotd+mtd stimmy packages ] to save louis’s life.. long story short lestat is just as crazy about louis as louis is about him, they express that in different ways bc theyre different characters. lestat may have had his good bit of paramours thru the chronicles, but ultimately lestat will always find louis again in a sordid romance, and/or louis will find his way back into lestat’s life + watch pulpy dramatic romance movies with him together. so i guess id say the show isnt that different so far from the wider chronicles in how lxl relationship go outside of actual sex but we dont have show!lestat’s pov exactly yet for fans who do not know the book/s. i hope this helped ^^

[crazykeda]

Pov: You found Yuka Takaoka's diary before the crime

> Today I saw him at the club talking to that girl, I automatically felt jealous but I didn't pay any attention, after all she's just a co-worker, right?! > We'll have a date, I'll probably arrive drunk as usual but I'll be with him. > My mom came straight from Yamago to visit me in Chiba, she thinks Phoenix is ​​a bad guy for me but I know he's perfect for me! > The day of the meeting is finally over and I hope everything goes well. I will go in my best clothes and stop any slut in the club from even touching my Suki (in Japanese it means love, or person we like in a common adjective). > The meeting was perfect, it was a place I'm used to but it remained magical next to Phoenix, I'm really happy with the life we ​​have despite it being simple.

THREE DAYS LATER …

> WHY, WHY? He should love me, only me and only me! No no no this is not real! > That bitch, I'm going to kill her, she pays me, that's unforgivable. > It's been a week and no one has told me the truth, does he think I'm stupid? That I didn't see his cell phone while he was sleeping? My head is spinning and I just feel like I'm going crazy! > HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA > I did, I really did finally. While he was resting, probably after fucking that slut, I stuck a knife in his stomach, shouldn't he have screamed when I did that?

No new notes were written in this diary.

[omegaplus]

# FINAL POST.

Ask me if there was one moment in my life that changed everything for the better. I’ll tell you: it was discovering both Cold Cave’s “Confetti” and Prurient’s Cocaine Death. It’s the Summer of ‘11 when the worst decision of my life was still being played out. I was suffering in a place I never imagined I would be; the product of the late Oughts’ economic crash when I went broke and bounced from job to job. I had no choice but to wave the white flag and take the first thing offered to me. I lost everything a few years prior that made me: a radio show, music shopping, graphics design, writing, and more. When I heard the opening notes to “Confetti”, I felt magic. It gave me a vibe and showed me a beauty I was going to look for in the years to come. Cocaine Death was created by Brooklyn noise artist Dominick Fernow who had a vision and aesthetic that intrigued me so much that I was curious to see what other things surrounded his origins. He was the reason why I discovered Cold Cave. Months passed and despite living through a personal hell at work, “Confetti” and Cocaine Death signified a new beginning for me. I got back into the habit of burning music, resumed Photoshop, and started writing again. I had enough momentum that I decided the time was right to get back into radio. I had a show during my stay at Stony Brook University, which ended when my tenure did. I had just enough music to give it another shot. Finds from Geneva Jacuzzi, Washed Out, Asteroids Galaxy Tour, Glass Candy and Italians Do It Better made me feel something. I got in touch with the current general manager and on December 12, 2012 (12/12/12) Omega WUSB was born.

Around that time, I made friends with some of the other co-workers who were more on my side and knew a thing or two about respect, privacy, and personal space. I helped my ex- moved into a new residence, I caught up with co-workers from previous jobs who gave birth to their first-borns with their deadbeat dads nowhere in sight, and re-united with old classmates from the Brentwood era whom I haven’t seen since. If that wasn’t enough, an all-too-special interest during the Stony Brook era decided to reach out to me - by total surprise - wanting to pick up where we left off. I was finally back into it. The following Summer, that potential and I were getting closer, and I finally got myself a second job to leave the consequences of the first. It’s not even halfway into my first year back that I was going crazy with Omega WUSB, and I was already enjoying it; being back in my element of playing music over the airwaves from a tattered control room with broken antiquated equipment which none have been replaced since the late Sixties. It felt great to be back. For the next ten years, Omega WUSB took me places, taught me things about myself I never knew, and showed me what it took to keep ongoing projects running. Since I’d be constantly finding music to keep my show fresh, why not start a blog and tell my listeners how enthusiastic I was about it? On December 2013, I started Ω+. What really made Ω+? It was a literal reflection of myself; a personal music diary of radio shows I played, releases in my library, purchases, mixtapes, live experiences, random things I listened to, listening habits and more. This was the place where I had no shame telling everyone what I was into, and I did it to prove a point. I aimed to make this blog stand out over everything else here. To do that, I posted about every genre I got my ears on because I truly enjoyed everything I listened to. It’s why you saw everything from indie, hip-hop / rap, post-punk, d.i.y, noise, industrial, shoegaze, d-beat, reggae, jazz / fusion, jungle, and much more to list.

There were also other ideas I had that no other music blog had: numbered posts, seasonal mixtapes, extensive year-end lists and best-of posts, personal insights, and tons of candor - much more to my benefit. Our favorite months were our ‘second issue series’ and ‘clearance sales’ where we posted heavily about alternate covers, colored vinyl and cassettes and other rarities which drew our largest amounts of followers. Plus, plenty of receipts of years past and many from two ‘record store victory tours’ (‘18 and ‘22) covered here. Wanted to know what was on a mix cassette or CD-r my friends gave me, or what played off of my iPhone or iPod during a train ride or walk through Central Park? The song that played on the overhead as a potential, and I sat over ice cream? What I listened to during a specific point in time, or what band tees people wore at a certain show I attended? It was all here. It got off to an inconsistent start (one which I’ll never get over when you see the archives), but eventually it got rolling when I made it a point to post consistently and have a presence because that’s how you got likes and followers. And Christ did I hammer at it. But without Omega WUSB, Ω+ wouldn’t have existed, and you wouldn’t be reading this now. For 10 years it gave you something not many or no other music blog gave you. Now, after lots of consideration, I’m making the decision to finally end Ω+ once and for all. This is our final post. ********************** It started during the pandemic summer when someone I met here left a poisonous impression on me. My anxiety and depression came back and totally threw me off. I couldn’t think straight as I was too busy figuring out the hurt and pain she just created for me. I wasn’t focused and wasn’t posting as much in as I used to. The pushback was enough that I started feeling different about lots of things and seriously wondered what I was still doing here. That was when Ω+ started to suffer.

Up until this point I’ve been falling behind and that’s not good. Once you fall behind on a music blog like this, it’s almost impossible and time-consuming to come back. And to come back, you have to short-change yourself. Cheat, cut corners, and be inconsistent with what’s being posted. After posting at least (on average) 38+ times a month, coming up with new ways of saying the same things over and over and over and over and over again, and writing in a way that keeps readers attention, then after all is said and done, what was I / Ω+ getting back in return? It used to get 250 followers a year, and I had to pull teeth in order to get them. When you put in so much work to show your followers how awesome and crazy an album or single is, only to get an average of 10 likes on each post (barring some of Omega WUSB’s playlists), and see others post the same exact thing for ten times the amount, it does get rather discouraging. I always felt, with millions of readers on here and with music being a universal thing, how and why was it so hard to get more out of what I do?

Some say you don’t do it for the numbers, you do it for personal satisfaction. Getting that personal satisfaction was never an issue by simply running this page because I always loved staying in touch and finding things in common with my followers. Only then I wanted all the numbers coming to me. Not getting that consistency that I wanted, even after 10 years of Ω+, feels like a letdown. I was hoping to have exactly 22 entries per month this year. Then, this happens: instead of privately posting entries on the spot before the month was over, I ended up queuing them at the last minute and miscalculated. Only 11 entries for August were posted, with the others after the fact in September, so there’s zero chance of getting the others back. I fucked up. The final straw was when I have seen my perfect format slightly altered as the header images now became smaller and wasn’t fitting the text column width entirely. It’s bad enough having to spend hours trying to find a working theme, only to see it messed around with no rhyme or reason. I reached a point to where I felt I was throwing my time away for less-than-desired gain, and what was once one of my favorite things to do became tiring and heavy-headed. In short: I’m massively overwhelmed with no end in sight. I’m too exhausted and don’t have it in me anymore in this capacity to keep this going. ********************** I’m in a much better place than I was ten years ago, financially and ambitiously. I still have everything I took back and more. I still have the radio show, and still do graphic design, sound editing, and photography. But there are still things left on the backburner. I haven’t written or created anything in months but want to again. There’s a backlog of music I’ve yet to listen to from last year’s massive island- and city-wide record-store shopping spree that left me 560+ vinyl records, tapes, and CDs richer and $3,000 poorer - and also from another shopping spree on top of that.

There are plenty of books I bought that I need to read up on, and tons of cassettes and VHS tapes I need to digitally transfer. I just started learning Italian thanks to one of the best people ever. I purchased a coding book six months ago that I’ve yet to even open. I’m still recovering from the retail-hell climate that took a daily toll on my mental and emotional health so heavy that it was depleting me. Now, I work at home and managed to stay with the company; essentially keeping my 401K, medical, and my time-off. Total game-changer. Since my dad left, I’ve been practicing self-care in ways I wasn’t allowed to. I took the time to step back, re-assess myself, and be the person I always wanted to be, with no constant surveillance of people keeping tabs on me. I’ve enjoyed many moments - arcades, travels to New York City, holidays with my family, live industrial-music shows in New York City, and meeting specific people - when I have them. My company has changed. Though I parted ways from some of the best co-workers I had, I also did the same from separating myself from the daily cast of the undesirable public.

My vision and state of mind have changed due to anti-depressants, focusing on some specific valuable people, and not having to think about the worst as much. Different things made by different people have happened. I’m welcoming and embracing the changes I’ve made for myself, and there’s plenty more I need to do. Right now, I’m still simplifying my life and focus on what I want to do from now until the day I cash it all in for good. ********************** What Ω+ leaves behind is ten years in the life and diary of one person’s lifetime listening habits and acquisitions of music. Decades of personal mixtapes, gifts from friends, giveaways, and the evolution of listening habits. Plenty of quarterly personal seasonal playlists, playlists of the day, and past WUSB shows when they happened. A roadmap of two record store victory tours, various receipts, and almost all live experiences ever attended. How about those ‘second issue’ series focusing on rare, out of print, and mispressed releases plus alternate covers, color vinyl and cassette editions? A multitude of year-end and even end-of-the-decade best-of lists. Documents of Omega WUSB’s anniversaries and all-out Summer broadcasting seasons. Locales, venues, and what t-shirt everyone was wearing. An enthusiasm of hip-hop’s golden age, post-punk / d.i.y., hardcore / metalcore, industrial, sampling culture, and vinyl treasures. Practically almost every genre, decade, and format Ω+ got it hands on.

Every song, album, purchase, listen, experience, interaction, broadcast, mixtape, playlist, purchase, and venture has all been documented here - and with all the utmost honestly and openness. All of that stops here. We (at Ω+) say this right now to save you the uncertainty: we’re not like those other blogs who abruptly stop posting without a heads-up and leave you hanging for months (or even years) waiting for another entry or at least announcing a hiatus, then decide to pop up once more and swear that things get rolling again. Guess what? You never heard from them again after that. What a surprise. Like unreliables, most promise but don’t deliver. Not us. When we say we’re done, we mean it. We’re done. We’re not posting again after this. There’s no coming back. No false hope or waiting for a day that will never come. (I’m sure you wouldn’t like being lied to or short-changed by anyone, either.) But, I’ll still be filling in the blanks from last year for completeness, as lives up to its name with this final post - in its current form. But, here’s a catch… There’s one follower of Ω+ who happens to be as obsessed and crazy about music as I am. Imagine that. She doesn’t have a dedicated music blog like this, but instead, has loads of Spotify playlists, plenty of audio and video posts all across many different accounts and social media. Between us, we’ve given each other CDs, records, and cassettes for holiday gifts and birthdays. We’ve traded MP3’s, and mailed out entire boxes of tapes from personal collections. We’ve been turned on to other’s recommendations. Our enthusiasm with finding and sharing music is unimaginable; perhaps more than what any normal human being is capable of. We have lots of artists, bands, genres, and even specifics in common that it was almost improbable to have found each other, but we did. She started following us not too long ago, so she’s going to be disappointed to learn that this music blog has come to a full stop. But, I’m not the one to disappoint. That is a total non-negotiable. So, I decided to re-invent it. Ω+ is now dead. Long live ΩRMX.

ΩRMX is a revision of the original with all the seasonal mixtapes, Omega WUSB playlists, personal posts, record-store receipts, live experiences, and other important stuff that made it. Instead of reviews, they’ll be replaced with now- or currently-listening. Tagging will be minimal and not specific, and some other details like numbered posts have been left behind. Everyone passing through will know what I’ve been listening to in real time. It’ll be simpler and faster for me to post without having to spend too much time and be constantly under the gun to do so. Problem solved. As much as I’d love to, I can’t continue with this specific music -blr with how it’s currently done. I really don’t want to completely give up on it altogether. I’ll be doing things a little differently. I’m still curious to see who’s paying attention to what I’m listening now or did XX years ago, or if anyone had experienced what I have. I’d also like to know if what I’m doing still separates myself from the others - if those types of -blrs still even exist. ********************** At this point, Ω+ stays here for posterity’s sake and becomes a curiosity for anyone who accidentally discovers it. I only hope future visitors get what I’ve done and how I’ve done it differently than the other music -blrs found here, or anywhere. To everyone who have followed us back, liked our entries, reblogged, supported, or even messaged us to see what happened to us, I appreciate it all. As we always say, we hope you took something with you.

-

Ω+: December 2013-December 2023.

[write-feel-live-love]

Wednesday Wellness #1

Self-Esteem Edition...

So I bought this self-esteem work book in hopes it would help me feel better about myself. In it, it suggests journaling. My therapist agrees. I'm at the part where it suggests I review my day every night using basic questions. My therapist agrees. SO here goes...

If you could rate your day on a scale of one to ten (one being unhappy and ten being extremely happy), how would you rate it? 6/7

Briefly describe your day, what happened to make it a happy/ unhappy one? Include even the mundane stuff (you never know, there might be some hidden joy lurking in cleaning the toilet!). Woke up, got ready in peace (that was nice). Cuddles with hubby. Got my daughter up. Got my son ready. Went downstairs to make breakfast for us all. Didn't do my morning chores, because we had to get to an early doc appt for my son. Found parking easy. Checked in. Got in relatively on time. Children went crazy in the doctors office. Daughter threw a fit because I told her to get off the doctor's chair. Went to library for story time. Chasing both kids around. Story time. Home. Lunch. Nap. I played Sims 4 (working on creating a new save file). Kids got up. Made dinner. Husband took daughter to store so I had the boy child. Called my parents once they got back. Bath time for wee one with young Frankenstein musical on in the background. Got 15 minutes of alone time. Read to child. I've been searching for a way to find Big Brother online to watch it so I can engage with co-workers. Failed.

Try to keep some notes in a diary or journal every day for a week. Using your notes, try to identify any patterns. What were you doing on the days that you felt at your best? What didn't make you feel good? I'm pretty good at detecting patterns in my own behavior. I definitely get thrown off when my routine is off (like when I can't get my chores done in the morning). I get really overwhelmed by noise, so the kids being crazy at the doctor's office while I'm trying to listen and answer questions is frustrating. My daughter is in a rough time for listening right now, and that's hard to deal with. (I'm a teacher, I get triggered when I have to repeat myself or go through extra lengths to get attention.) My daughter is also insanely whiney lately and that's driving me nuts. I'm really dysregulated, so she's dysregulated. (Side note....dysregulated? disregulated? autocorrect might be wrong this time...)

What makes you feel amazing? When do you feel most like yourself? When do you laugh most? When do you feel peaceful? Shit man, get deep. Okay. I feel amazing when everything goes according to plan. I can follow my routines with relative ease and minimal disruptions. I feel amazing when my kids are happy and content (within reason). I feel like myself I've accomplished things on my to do list and feel successful in my day going the way I wanted it to go. I laugh when I'm relaxed enough to enjoy my kids being kids or when I'm out with friends. I feel peaceful when my kids are asleep or gone and I have time to myself.

How could you do more of these things? Can you do one of them every day? I get daily time to myself. My husband is amazing and sees me. He often offers to take one or both kids on quick trips at night so I can have time, or even just letting me go upstairs while he takes care of them. I get alone time. I'm making an effort to out with friends more, but my friends are teachers too and it makes it hard to get together when they're fitting in vacations and family time. I try really hard to follow my routines. I very much am working on accomplishing my routines and staying on track. I think a big piece of my issue this week has been sleep. I was up too late Sunday and Monday night. Last night I don't think I slept well. That always plays a big role in my ability to function. I'm going to work on making sure I'm getting enough sleep and peaceful routines in the morning.

Well, that wasn't too bad. This might be my routine for a few Wednesdays, but overall this seems easy. Might move on to different prompts. We'll find out.

Thanks for listening Void. You always make me feel heard.

[abodyofcells]

July 11th 7:11am

Good morning diary, I am still jobless which I'm so confused on how. I've applied everywhere. I think they may be calling my old manager and since she is spiteful she probably didn't put in a good word since I left on the spot. (This is due to me working with my ex while we dated, got dumped at work in the wet closet 1hr before we both got off, he started talking to a member, then to the one co worker I had a feeling wasn't a girls girl and wanted to take what she saw, then they changed my schedule from 2pm-10pm to 6am-2pm. Oh without telling me or heaven forbid even ask me. Switching me and the one co worker out meaning she worked with him since he and I had worked shifts together. No one from management told me since they're all friends with him.) (p.s. when we had a rough spot he told me he joked with our manager, his bestie, that they should get me fired😜) SO, one morning I wake up for this god forsaken shift once again and I sit there and think about how I'm done. Mentally my sleep schedule is so fucked since the switch and ofc I'm healing through this break up and I have to work with both culprits. [Truly I don't wish any ill will on them. The universe is the judge not me, plus, a house built on another women's tears doesn't last long. ] I show up for my shift ofc because my other co workers didn't do anything to deserve being stuck working alone at a planet fitness for 8 hours at 6am. I text my manager asking her if we can chat when she gets in, I tell her how I feel about my schedule change and how I can feel favorites, I say I'm quitting and she says "oh.." and the pause felt like 5 good minutes, so I said "right now." She drops another "Oh!"

And that's the end of it, I just leave. I worked hard there when they didn't deserve it. Helped new folks. Even the pick me. Confused how she worked 3 months and needed help with the most simple shit? Hm her mind must've been elsewhere🤔

ANYWAYS, glad someone gets to be happy and in love. I don't really want that right now. After all that^ plus my ex from 2020-2023. Lord that's a story over time where you'd have to keep up with the little pieces of info. Crazy stuff. Mf up there^^ knew all about it and decided to double down.

Do men feel guilt after these things? No matter fact, do CHEATERS feel guilt? Or people who can't just be honest. I knew there was something between my ex and the pick me. And it's okay, my dad always said you can't help who you fall in love with. What's not okay is stringing me along for months and making me feel crazy then becoming hateful because you couldn't do the honorable thing and leave when you knew your heart and eyes were somewhere else. And she is no better, it's okay to like a boy, but to follow him around during his workout, do the puppy dog eyes at every make co worker, then come talk to me, be friendly, listen to what lead to the break up, then hop right in my place. Is it flattering? Concerning? I'm not sure.

It's been months since the break up, March 20something. I just haven't journaled a lot, or cried as much as other breakups. It was more acceptance.., but I've come to think I just shut some lights off. I've been slowing turning them back on but they look better in the dark. Far away from me and my heart. A distance memory.

Yet I can't help but yearn for someone to see me, For more than my shell.

[girlactionfigure]

“I live in a crazy time,” she said.

Isolated from most of the world around her, she longed for freedom, to be able to walk outside unencumbered by the hate that was slowly enveloping her world, and the fear she felt for her family’s safety.

One of the few pleasures she had during this time was to be able to peek through the windows.

One of the only windows in the attic not blacked out, she would stare at whatever patch of blue sky she could find, the birds, all framed and protected by this majestic chestnut tree that was there years before she was born and many years after her life was taken from her. She wrote about this beautiful tree, and how much happiness and hope it gave her, longing for the freedom it represented.

Long after she left this earth, a sapling from the original tree was dedicated on October 2, 2015, in Little Rock, Arkansas, surrounded by family members of Holocaust survivors, members of the Quapaw Tribe, Japanese-Americans who were interned during World War II, and relatives of the Little Rock Nine.

The tree was among dozens of saplings which were propagated before the tree was weakened by disease and a windstorm in 2010.

Anne Frank loved her tree.

According to the Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect, Anne Frank "wrote about her own hopes and dreamed of a better future [often looking] out upon [the] large horse chestnut tree in the garden behind the Secret Annex. For her, the tree symbolized freedom as well as nature, which she longed to enjoy once again."

The Peace Page continues its special series this month, revisiting Peace Page favorites and providing updates to stories previously shared on the Peace Page.

Before her death in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp, 15-year-old schoolgirl Anne Frank and her family hid in an attic, where she wrote about her life in a diary, which was published posthumously as “The Diary of a Young Girl.”

Young Frank and her family had witnessed the horrors of Nazism, hate, and oppression firsthand, which led to The Holocaust.

She and her family witnessed the persecution of "undesirables (minorities, immigrants, homosexuals, the disabled, and the elderly). She saw neighbors, even families, divided. Racism ran rampant in this society, and opposition, any opposing opinion that spoke out for equality and for the lives of others was destroyed. Women were regarded as second-class citizens, forbidden to work, forbidden to receive an education, forbidden to speak out regarding their own lives and bodies. Patriotism was demanded for all, other religions were not tolerated. Teachers and civil servants were fired from their jobs.

According to the Washington Post, during this time, “the Nazi Party's propaganda staff became masters of negative campaigning, launching vicious assaults on the establishment parties and the ‘system’ they supported. They were convinced that details didn't matter; indeed, Nazi claims were often outright lies.”

Despite having a democratic government and a free press in the 1920s, Hitler rose to power with the support of millions of everyday citizens who voted for the National Socialist German Workers’ (Nazi) Party and hailed him as a national savior in gigantic stadium rallies, according to the National World War II Museum. In Hitler’s view of the New Order, democracy would be abolished and individual rights sacrificed for the good of the führer state, creating a community of racially pure Germans loyal to their führer, who would lead them in a campaign of racial cleansing and world conquest.

In one passage in her diary, Anne Frank wrote, according to the Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect:

“Terrible things are happening outside… poor helpless people are being dragged out of their homes. Families are torn apart; men, women and children are separated. Children come home from school to find that their parents have disappeared.”

“It’s important to remember what happened,” according to Ronald Leopold, executive director of the Anne Frank House museum in Amsterdam. "What was done to Anne Frank was the work of human beings, and I think it's important to learn about that."

In a recent study published by the Chicago Sun-Times, today 15% of young adults believe “the Holocaust is a myth and did not happen”.

And, just this year, a memorial to Anne Frank was destroyed by vandals in a park in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. 

This is why the story of Anne Frank still needs to be told, why her diary needs to be read rather than banned, why her tree needs to continue to inspire hope.

Other saplings from the original tree were also sent to:

Liberty Park, in New York City, which was selected to remember the victims of 9/11 and to symbolize the hope and resilience of New York after 9/11.

The Children’s Museum of Indianapolis, for its “Power of Children” exhibition, which "honors Anne Frank, as well as Ryan White, the [Indiana teenager with hemophilia] expelled from school for being infected with H.I.V., and Ruby Bridges, perhaps the first black child to integrate a white elementary school in the segregated South."

The Southern Cayuga Central School District in upstate New York, which is nearby landmarks like Seneca Falls, regarded as the birthplace of the women’s rights movement.

Yvonne Simons of Anne Frank USA said the sites in the U.S. were chosen largely because they showed “the consequences of intolerance — and that includes racism, discrimination and hatred.”

Little Rock, Arkansas, was chosen because of what happened to the Little Rock Nine, black students who were jeered at and spat upon by screaming, white crowds whose contorted faces were filled with racist hate.

Leopold says Anne Frank’s story remains “relevant during the 75 years after the Second World War and . . . will remain relevant . . . Especially during ‘challenging times that we live in in 2020’ with the ‘rise of nationalism, the rise of the extreme right wing.’”

In her diary, Anne Frank described how the tree gave her hope despite her dire conditions, according to the Anne Frank Center. "We want people to come to the Anne Frank tree to reflect and have the same hope.” 

Anne’s words, “I shall not remain insignificant,” are a “message to all of us to keep the painful memories of the past alive, while assuring that our dreams will remain stronger,” Leopold said.

Her trees will hopefully be a reminder of Anne Frank’s message.

“As the saplings take root, they will become living symbols of justice and tolerance in America for many years to come,” said Simons. “The message of tolerance will spread . . . across the country, joining these historical examples of hatred and discrimination with contemporary issues.” 

The Jon S. Randal Peace Page

[blackjackkent]

Some more explorations of Sharess's Caress before the more interesting sidequest/plot stuff happening here:

A brother and sister pair of sex workers who tried to convince Hector and Karlach to join them together. Karlach was vehemently not interested, and nor (obviously) was Hector. (I checked and Karlach actually is chill if you purchase their services on your own, but that's not Hector's vibe. XD )

Another prostitute getting a Flaming Fist completely trashed at the bar while stringing him along.

A really harried-sounding chef in the kitchens who is apparently used to fending off advances from lost customers.

Yet another cat that hisses at Hector when he tries to pet it. :(

The bartender is named Hoots Hooligan. She offered Hector some of her "special brew" which triggers a wild magic surge when drunk. (Jaheira disapproved. Hector drank it anyway, because as we know, his curiosity makes him do ill-advised things sometimes. :P He got hit with "size instability" which cast "Enlarge" and "Reduce" on him repeatedly for ten turns. XD )

There's a couple criminals hanging out in a corner loudly discussing the battle between Nine-Fingers and the new Stone Lord interloper. Hector had a [ROGUE] option to find out where to go to join up with Nine-Fingers which we might come back and take if we can't figure out another way to progress that quest.

I broke into several of the rooms on the upper floor (sometimes there was an encounter going on when I came in, which was awkward :P ). The most important thing found during these escapades was an admission pass to Gortash's coronation at Wyrm's Rock, which we stole from the belongings of a Flaming Fist while she was, ah, otherwise occupied. (We'll come back to her - some crazy stuff happened when I had Hector wander in and interrupt. XD )

Found the "Reading Room" which is, I think, where the "Librarian" that the hostess suggested would be doing her work. We also learned downstairs that she (the Librarian) has apparently disappeared recently, which sounds like something we might have to look into. She has a diary left on the table which has some concerning stuff written in it, too:

There are several stealable camp outfits here. None of them are things Hector would wear but they're pretty funny. XD

There's a few more rooms that I haven't figured out how to get to yet, but we'll figure it out eventually. Some of the plot threads to follow up here in the meantime include: the aforementioned Fist, Valeria the Investigator, and Kith'rak Voss, whose voice I can hear in one of the other rooms.

[seoafin]

i need rip!mc to be saved by these 2 harbingers of the sassy men apocalypse ASAP and dip into a yuri-fied onsen with shoko and utahime on a girls trip. nanami's truly a better person than me, i'd risk it all to give rip!mc's hand a smooch in front of stsg😤

but putting those gremlins aside, HOW ARE YOU MORGANNNNNNNNN. HOWS YOUR TRAVEL? LAST TIME I REMEMBERED U PLANNED TO GO TO ICELAND, IS THERE ANYMORE ON THE CALENDAR? HAVE YOU WATCHED THE BALLAD OF SONGBIRD??? ANY MEDIAS/ LITERATURE THAT HAVE RECENTLY MAKE YOUR BRAINCELLS BOUNCED AROUND LIKE THE DVD LOGO ON THE SCREEN?

last sunday i went skydiving with some of my co-workers and now i'm planning to feel as much as mother nature as i could bcs these assignments cooped me up in a room whew - 🐱anon

you just casually dropped the fact that you went sky diving???? im reeling over this. what. im JEALOUS. SKY DIVING???

im doing fine!!!! iceland was AMAZING. my friends (different friends) and i are actually planning another iceland trip in the summer but this time we're trying to take a camper van around ring road when the weather's good!!! but i plan on going to london in feb to see some friends at uni and then i really really really want to go to budapest and then istanbul 😭😭 but also if i get that scholarship to go abroad i'll be in europe for the next year so plans will probably change!

I HAVE NOT WATCHED TBOSAS YET ive been so crazy busy. i want to watch tbosas and saltburn and i will!!! honestly i've been so busy finishing the apothecary diaries LNs i haven't been reading much of anything else. and now i started the 86 LNs and there are 12 out so that will probably preoccupy me for a bit. but i did see that eileen came out so maybe i'll try to get over my distaste for otes*** ******** and try the book one more time....although it seems unlikely LOL

[aftonfamilyvalues]

My mother was an abusive narcissist. Basically she knew I was being sexually abused by my father and was too afraid to leave him/hated me for the fact he was gross towards me and denied it, both parents spread lies to hide the abuse.

Once I was an adult and I’m 21 being threatened by my father over making a savings account, yea I’m reaching out to social workers (who ended up not believing me/took advantage of me as their new cash cow/I’m on disability…. Benefits initially went into my mother’s account. Guess that made her like a pimp I mean she didn’t work, stealing my benefit… they never had any intention of giving it to me.)

Talking to regular women and feminist women online is what got me out of that situation. Like telling me my rights and what resources.

I planned no contact. Father was stalking me via proxy and his police position. I was glad when she died. She obeyed him. She as an obedient slave, I would’ve had a stalker for life.

When my mom died, my Father made comments like “she won’t have to worry about wrinkles now. “ and “she was only 110 pounds.” Or “I’ll have 2 wives in the celestial kingdom now.”

I use to fantasize about killing them both. Sometimes I feel like I killed my mother, like I was her oxygen, she claimed I had special needs ; mormon church says women need to get married? But I’m too scared my father will violate me for having a bf/I dare in secret then ghost because I’m terrified he’s clearly painting a message that I’m “his.” Just tell everyone I’m autistic and don’t like to be touched and may never get married.

I feel anguish and sad I never experienced romantic love, wish I did as a teenager (because obvious men are unsafe, ) but murderous rage that basically my father felt entitled to my body, and humiliated about what that must say about me and my own mother didn’t care but she died because she was scared of folks finding out she was a horrible mother; nothing showed in the autopsy. Prior to her death she manically went around asking if I was talking about me, read my diary, started hitting me, etc.

This feel violated and my therapist suggested I needed romance to heal which makes me cringe because she didn’t get it, the concept of romantic love to me growing up was the concept of “pure” verses damaged Good’s. I did feel “clean” when I’d engage in sexuality at one point, (and the froze up and ghosted and felt guilty for hurting his feelings but I was scared/conscious I was being abused/had been molested and could go through that again, during intimate touching/never lead to sex or kissing because j froze. I feel a sense of sadness and regret and regret of never experienced a healthy sexuality or been the gate keeper of my own sexually.

I basically can never heal cause it all happened while I was developing. They claimed I was developmentally delayed.

My mother carried it to her grave but I think she died because I started telling the truth. I feel betrayed and angry even at her dying to preserve her image, as if she died on purpose.

I don’t think I’ll ever have a healthy sexuality, or ever feel good enough, and hate that I never got to grieve cause Instead seen as crazy for grieving/ evidently I just need to get over it and be “normal.” As if I even ever got to be normal in the first place.

I’m glad my mom died, somehow I always felt it was my job to save her when she abondoned me, constantly wanted her to like me, but she didn’t , felt guilty about going no contact, and scared, but it was a massive relief. And angry, cause now there no closure. I wish I had let her hit me, let her beat me, she couldn’t hid it anymore so she died.

this is one of the most awful things ive ever read, im so sorry you went through all this