#dont mess december woman

[hopelesslyinlovegirl]

Encapsulating my female rage.

As promised in my last work published in english, today I have the honor to bring to you my post on beauty and body dysmorphia.

I must be sincere with my dearest followers, that have been reading my texts for a while now. This is not the text that I was planning to write.

I was planning more on doing an intent of a philosophical essay. Explaining beauty and body dysmorphia in views of philosophical aestheticism, my own experiences and some statistics that i have recolected.

But honestly, at this point I can´t take it anymore. I must get it out of my chest, because i´m going to explode. Because, today, this writer writes in a feeling that she hasn´t written, ever.

Today, excuse my professionalism exabrupt, i´m fucking mad. And fucking tired, too.

So, that said, this text will be an experiment. I´m going to encapsulate my rage against society, how it treats women and to myself because, in which planet a writer is a writer without hating themselves a little?

And, yes, there will be no beta read. We die on this hill and we move on. Though, I´m probably still doing my essay. But at that point in time, this text will be just another part of the bibliography consulted for my own essay.

Some statistics that i feel i need to throw here for context:

° Argentina is the second country with most diagnosed EDs in the world for women. 1 out of 3 women in my country experiences or will experience an ED.

° For men, we are in the first place of ED. Yes,our mental health is fucked.

But, let me take you real quick from those statistics to reality. I graduated high school last year, in December. In my social studies promotion, there was 21 women. Statistically, in my class there should have been 6 women with eating disorders. I know for sure of about four cases of ED in that class. And one more that I am still not sure.

Is that the worst part? absolutely fucking not. It´s the fact that me, a woman who does not have an ED, still got fucked in terms of eating. I would think how thin I looked and go "what if I dont eat and look skinny and pretty for the rest of the day" "no meal tastes as good as skinny feels". I once even dreamed that I was fat and needed to lose weight, and that in order to do that I stopped eating. And, in my dream I would feel lighter and lighter because I was not eating. And I was pretty.

That´s what the whole thing is about. In Argentina, to be pretty you have to be skinny. A fat woman never in a million years will be considered pretty here, even if your face is stunning. Or, in philosophical terms, a fat woman will never be object of the aesthetics experience.

Now, when you are skinny comes the next thing. Having a pretty face. That´s where I mess up. My nose is big and does not make sense, my eyes are small, my lips are thin and my teeth are not perfectly white and straight.

And writing this I have this powerful thought in the back of my mind. I want a rinoplasthy. I want it so bad, so now. Because I cannot keep looking at other women, at what attentions they get because they are pretty.

I cannot help but feel, each and every time that i see a woman post a picture on twitter that she´s stunning. That I would love to look like that. I would like my tits to be bigger or my ass to have more shape or whatever stupid thing I find in that woman that I don´t have and that I want.

So, naturally, I can´t post a pic on twitter without feeling like I look fat. That my nose is fucking ugly, why it has to be like that? No, i´m insane. Everyone will make fun of me if I do a face reveal. Just keep it like that.

And the other insane thing that happens is that when I´m around with people that are pretty according to beauty standards, they get privilege. People treat them nicer. They speak with them. They gift them things. They get their bus ticket payed if they don´t have money.

I don´t have those attentions by myself. Never, in a million years, I will have them. And I want them.

But, you know what? this isn´t even the worst thing yet. I feel like what i´m doing is just a path of awful things that keep getting worse every time you read more.

No, the worst thing is this. When you understand that in society you are not deemed pretty, and, by that, you are less valued what you do is pursue something that compensates.

And I pursued academic intelligence. Because, that is all at what I´m good at. Getting good grades. And reading academic research when everybody goes to have fun. And learn of a bunch of niche topics because i´m bored and I do it as a hobby, that then I have no one to talk about them.

Sure, probably this will be benefitial for my economy some years from now. But, I don´t care about future. I care about now.

I didn´t go for funny, witty, a PERSONALITY. I chose to have an old academic soul in a body of an eighteen years old girl. Which, for dating and boys is not very useful.

I am not funny, I don´t have a big personality. I´m an introvert, I´m shy and I honestly don´t know how I have friends given those conditions, but hey,good thing at least.

And this is what I am most scared of. Because now that I am being pursued, eventually he will find this out. I am a boring woman to date.

Well, that´s kind of dramatic. Sorry, like I said my feelings are just pouring as I type agressively on my laptop.

I think I´m datable, but in my own standards. Like, I´m not that bad. At all. Sometimes I do have one or two funny outcomes and when I´m in confidence I talk a lot, I can make conversation even about the flooring.

The thing is, that is not the standard of most people. That is mine. And I am pretty sure that, is not the standard of my candidate.

So, I could argue that what I am afraid of is that he will be totally dissapointed if we have a date. And he will ghost me. And, just then, I will have lost a possible boyfriend.

You know what fuck that. If he doesn´t aprecciate it I will have someone who does. I hope he does appreciate me because the least I need now is another romantic dissapointment, but I will not die.

Or yes, maybe I will die if he is dissapointed.

God, I hate craving a man´s validation.

Anyway, that is it. Remember this does not have a beta read, so the grammar and the spelling probably suck. I apologize for that, and for the non classic text that I just made. I know that you are used to my pompous words and phrases. But today rage blinded me. And, as a writer, I could not waste an opportunity to express it. I needed this experiment.

Thank you for being here.

----

May 21st, 2023. 02:10. Buenos Aires, Argentina.

741 words.

[yungviry]

a fucking mess

man guys it happened, i ran into my ex! and boy was it terrible. let me set the scene: im at the gas station and simultaneously pumping gas and recording a snapchat video like we do. and as im done pumping the gas and getting back into the car and watching back my video, he pops into my car window. completely caught me off guard. i cant remember all the shit he said but he did say stop "talking shit about me online". which i found to be annoying but whatever. i pulled away as fast as i could and parked down the street. i tried my best to not give a reaction or say a word and i didnt. i pulled over and cried for a bit like a fucking pussy, cause i couldnt handle it. my ass was so stressed. i dot know about yall but i dont ever expect to see an ex after a breakup unless its intentional. and the fact that he was just at my neighborhood arco was just a nightmare. officially never going there again.

im telling yall a breakup is different for everyone. we cope differently and its all good. a bitch will be revealing but just know that my book will but much better. and the focus isnt necessary my ex's but more so my life after blossoming into a woman if you will. a bitch hit a hundred bodies i feel like i got a story to tell. and 100 isnt a lot but in 3 years i give myself a pat on the back. theres just a lot of tales and unfortunate situations i got myself into.

malik is an ass. was an ass. i dont care for the terminology hes a menace and no im not gunna shut up about him to an extent. sometimes i remember that he used to hit me, sometimes i remember he used to be rude as fuck, i remember when he told me he had herpes and religiously blamed it on his last girlfriend. he was a big piece of shit and i just feel if someone wants to get involved with him they should know the indiscretion he omits.

Malik Salam shit list (from oakland in case you women are unaware)

-cheater (multiple times, im aware im the dumbass that took him back like 4 times for the same shit but imma still add it to my list cause a bitch was gaslight like a motherfucker till i saw shit for myself)((this is as in messaging/hooking up with master rochi/the white bitch im blanking on her name right now)

-has fucking herpes and reused to let anyone of his previous sexual partners know

-constantly asked to borrow money with and told me hed pay me back, blackmailed me by saying he woulnt pay me back if we broke up, and for the whole 3 years almost never paid back any of the money

im sorry the money always be pissing me off. like yall don understand when i get to the malik chapter of my book im gunna go off. he whole ass knew since december 2021 that his friend was getting married in vegas in october 2022. told me up and down i wasnt going. literally could have convos about how i was axed from those plans. and because hes cheap (or broke i didnt looked at his accounts) a month before he tells me i can suddenly go. "book the room and well split it" never got his half. paid for gas the whole way there. paid for the majority of meals. but dont worry he shared his weed.

actually at some point in the planning he uninvited me from the wedding and said "i could still come to vegas just not the wedding" so my ass didnt even have a fit for the wedding, we went shopping out there. just thinking about this shit is annoying. supposedly your best friend is getting married but you didnt put any money away for the whole event. spent the 4 days there watching squid games in his car, he did bring weed so we shared our weed too, and didnt really do shit. went to the hoover dam and the grand canyon, but not really the grand canyon cause e got there when it was dark and didnt see shit. but overall i spent a band on the trip and never got half of that.

gosh i hate shitting on someone cause obviously you loved them and thought well of them at some point so just know im ranting. this really is my space so my ass sometimes just wants to shit on the bitch i tried to really see the good in. like the basic consensus is i feel stupid as fuck and im not gunna go tell my homies exactly how big a shit head he was. i didnt while we were together and i aint finna start. so imma just write it out and shit on his ass on my tumblr like any healthy and coping young lady.

and his hair looks stupid so very much happy.

its crazy cause ive been thinking abut derrick lately (my og ex boyfriend) and then byrd hits me up to hang out (my og fuck buddy). the byrd thing isnt soo soo weid just cause i did hit him up like a week ago to say happy birthday. but his ass doesnt munch box so theres no point in hooking up.

however derrick...

man i aint seen him in like a over a year, his birthdays at the end of the month and i have a bit of a birthday message already in the works. hes gunna be 30 at the end of the month and it makes me remember our pact, said wed marry each other if we were still single. but last time i seen him i said "can we change our pact age to 40" 30 still young i still have time and plenty of fish still swimming around.

see that man is a muncher, not the best, but hes alright for the occasion. but its not the munching im there for its the wiener. see his wiener could have a whole chapter in my book too. i was obsessed with it and him. he just fucks hella good, im sorry im repetitive but damn that man works his wiener like a king. if i could have one last fuck it be him forsure. sometimes i can still feel it if i concentrate, and 100% will get goose bumps. sometimes i feel like hitting him up but he still has the same girlfriend, and last time we hooked up im sure it was some type of sneak off on his part, but thats exactly why im unlucky with love. i be fucking with this man and i dont know if hes single single. and he wasnt a good partner either, he cheated too and lied about that shit, except i actually left after the first time.

idk didnt mean to go off topic, sometimes i start spewing and shit gets all mixed together. lowkey i have had derrick on the brain so to see malik was just hella wild. im pretty sure he called me but last time i checked we didnt have shit to say to each other. i spent 3 years giving that amn all the opportunity to tell me wassup to spill his guts and truly im over it and if hes tickled that im "exposing" him for being a shitty boyfriend when in reality im just fucking telling my truth is obnoxious. he hit me he cheated on me he lied about all the shit he was doing and continued to even when confronted. like my ass is just hurt and im gunna let it out

[quanxui]

thanks for the tag clio @dazaicsamus!! 

Why did you choose your url? it’s the closest i could get to quanxi

Any sideblogs? @marilags (fanfic) @agbasa (animanga caps & gifs) and then there’s a bunch with different purposes

How long have you been on tumblr? this blog’s been here since december last year but i’ve been lurking on this site since around the beginning of 2015

Do you have a queue tag? none, but most of my reblogs here are queued

Why did you start your blog in the first place? i use writing fanfics as a way to vent or entertain me when im bored and that’s what always led me to making a tumblr blog heh. i dont write fanfics that much anymore but im here now because i enjoy seeing posts and reblogs from my mutuals <33

Why did you choose your icon? i havent watched City Hunter yet but when i saw this i knew it was The One

Why did you choose your header? i like the shadow thing the trees do when you’re driving through somewhere with lots of trees

What's your post with the most notes? idk! but if i had to say it, i think it’s between a manga cap i posted of a woman with a tear rolling down her cheeks and a tag game lol

How many followers do you have? 1** !! wow, thank you! idk what you get from my mess of a blog but i hope you enjoy yourselves

How many people do you follow? 4** hehe 

Have you ever made a shitpost? maybe?? im no good with the terms you all use nowadays so idk idk idk....

How often do you use tumblr? not always but often, especially when stressed

Did you have a fight/argument with a blog once? I don’t think so? i do my best to avoid those discourse stuff because it makes me anxious

How do you feel about "you need to reblog this post"? i ignore them, i dont really care

Do you like tag games? yup!! but recently i dont have time to sit still and do them! i did a bunch of piccrews and games without posting tho

Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? uhh a bunch of my mutuals are fanfic writers so them? and uh i’ve seen minnie ( @honeymeh ) almost everywhere? im not really sure hahahaha 

Do you have a crush on a mutual? no, i only have a crush on ME ME ME jk, of course i  have a crush on everyone!! my mutuals are all lovely people!!

tagging @eremikas @honeymeh @ugh-tsumu @kirakirasaku @mjoork @luvnami @heatedfloortile @kobenl @himekotoga @fazaleas @zoppzoop @bobawithpomegranate @captainsolare @kerokenma @jujuno @bokutosworld

[just-my-fandom]

Reach Out (Peter Parker x Stark! Reader)

Date Started; December 28, 2020

Date Published; December 28, 2020

Summary; Reader and Peter seek comfort in one another after Tony Starks death.

Warning(s); Death, cursing, spoilers for FFH if you haven’t seen it

A/N; Not me crying while reading this. And I haven’t seen FFH, I used YT!

. . .

“Part of the journey is the end,”

You can’t stand it. Stand sitting here, listening to your father tell you goodbye- properly.

The hologram now stares at your empty spot on the couch, moving to talk to your younger sister as he physically could not see you moving out the front door, Peters figure quick to follow behind you when Pepper moves to stand up,

“Hey,” Peter rushes, his own throat tight as he follows you down the steps of the front porch, catching your wrist, “Hey- angel,”

“I hate him so fucking much,” You heave out a deep breath through a sob, eyes pinch shut tight to let two- three tears slip to your jaw, “He just- he never thinks about the outcome of his decisions, about how much it ends up fucking hurting us, Pete,”

Peter slides his arm around your shoulders, pulling you tight against him so your arms slid to his torsos, nose pressed hard against his dress jacket,

“I miss him,” You sniffle, Peter ducking his head into your hair when his own eyes begin to burn, “I can’t believe- believe he’s gone,”

“I know,” Peter murmurs, free arm mirroring the other so your head turned to tuck beneath his chin, “I know, baby,”

With another flutter of your eyes, the tears are released so you sniffle, lifting your head enough to press your nose to Peters neck,

“What’s gonna happen?” You whisper, Peter opening his eyes so he stared at the lake behind you,

“We’re gonna stick together,” He murmurs, “Like always,”

You slowly peel back so Peters hands slid to your face, thumbs caressing your jaw. He lips press to your forehead, slipping to your left cheek before your right, resting at your nose,

You nod, reassuring him and yourself so Peter nods back, his lips locking against yours, slowly. Your hands copy his behind his head, leaning back so your arms locked at his shoulders, pulling him down against your height.

. . .

“Okay, hold still,”

You flinch nearly for Peter when he hisses out in pain, Happy seated behind him with a needle and stitch at the back of his neck,

“I thought you had super strength,” Happy mutters, and you rub your face tiredly from where you sat two seats over in the jet,

“It still hurts,” Peter grumbles, hissing out a sharp, “Happy,” At a certain stitch.

“Relax,” Happy pleas, and you jump when Peter stands up, fist hitting the small table as he turns to face you and your fathers old best friend,

“Don’t tell me to relax!” Peter shouts, your eyes burning at the distressed look on his face, “How can I relax when I messed up so bad?”

Peters hands- trembling- reach up to tug at his hair, “I trusted Beck, I thought he was my friend, so I gave him the only thing Mr. Stark left behind for me and now he’s going to kill our friends and half of Europe, so please,” Peter heaves a deep breath, sinking into the seat opposite of you, “Do not tell me to relax,”

Your eyes barely glance towards your godfather before you push off your seat, sliding into the one beside Peter to take his hand, which he instantly turns to take hold of your own, fingers tightening on yours,

“I’m sorry,” He repeats, twice, your head leaning forward so your forehead touched his temple, “I didn’t mean to yell, I didn’t mean to shout,” Peters eyes shut, and your free hand reaches up to wipe the tear at his jaw, “I just really miss him,”

“I miss him too,” You whisper, Peter barely turning his head so his forehead slightly rested against yours, “So much, every day, Pete,”

“Everywhere I go,” Peter murmurs, loud enough for Happy to hear, “I see his face. And the whole world asks who the next Iron-Man will be and I-,” Peter chokes on a sob so your hand at his cheek slides to his neck, pulling him closer to you if possible,

“Tony was my best friend,” Happys voice leads your eyes to open, head barely tilting to look at him, “And he was a mess. He always second guessed himself, but the one thing he didn’t second guess himself, was picking you,” Happy points to Peter, who raises his eyes.

Happys finger shifts to you, “Was making sure you grew up to be the tough young woman you are today. Yeah, you became a hero at a young age, witnessed things most twelve years olds didn’t,” You frown, leaning your head back against Peters, “But he knew damn well he was raising you right,”

You exhale a short laugh, turning your head to rest on Peters shoulder,

“And I know,” Happy continues, “Losing your father, your father figure, sucked. But it’s brought you two closer together,” Happys lips pull up when you lift your head, Peter glancing down at you, “And he’s watching over you two, too,”

Your eyes shut to release the tears your eyes held, Peters hand copying your own to slide behind your head, his lips pressing to your forehead, comfortingly,

“So,” Happy shifts in his head, “What’re we gonna do?”

You lean back to let Peter stand up, “We’re gonna kick his ass,”

“No, I mean right now,” Happy corrects, watching you move to pick up the small necklace your father gave you- holding your suit inside, “We’ve been hovering above a flower field for fifteen minutes,”

“Right,” Peter shuts his eyes, huffing a breath, “He’s tracking MJ and Neds phones, give me your phone,” He demands, Happy quick to hand him his small device, “They’re in London,”

“London,” You repeat, nodding as you open the back part of the jet, “Pick your suit,” Peters eyes flick to yours, and you flick your eyebrows, “Dont think Dad had all the fun building your armor,”

“Y/N, I love you,” Peter breathes, moving up to cup your head, pressing his lips to yours, breathlessly,

“I know,” You whisper, patting his chest and pointing, “Now come on! We gotta get to London,”

[tomorrowsdrama]

2020: A Year in Thirst

In 1985, Gabriel Garcia Marquez gave the world Love in the Time of Cholera.  In 2020 (er, I guess it’s now 2021), I give to you, Thirst in the Time of Covid-19 or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace the Thirst, a brief recap of all the dramas I watched in 2020 and whether such dramas made yours truly parched..  

The list contains dramas that premiered in 2020, but also dramas from previous years.  If I watched it or attempted to watch it in 2020, it’s on the list.  

EDIT: Ok, I’m going to have to do this in multiple parts because apparently I watched more dramas in 2020 than I remembered and talking about them all in one post would just be too long.

This also serves as a sort of greeting to all the people who recently followed me.  I don’t know how or why, but thank you for being interested in my thirst, and also so sorry for everything you have/will witness here!  I started this side blog last December 2019 as a place to dump all my fangirl feels and thirst with unbridled abandon and let’s just say, the thirst REALLY ramped up in 2020 during quarantine and all the political chaos/uncertainty.  The state of the world may be uncertain, but my thirst will always be a comforting constant!  LOL. If you want to thirst or fangirl/boy together, I’m all ears.

Anyway, let’s start with the drama that was partially the inspiration for this list. 

1. The Wolf

Brief Summary: Sweet hot boy raised in the wilderness/by wolves meets sweet beautiful girl and they fall in love.  Shitty evil people do shitty evil things to them to cause a misunderstanding and they are separated for years.  Sweet hot boy is given the “Sexy Bloody Tormented Killer Makeover” TM and turns into a VERY VERY BAD HOT Wolf Man after being tortured/brainwashed by an evil asshole king who “adopted” him.  Bad Hot Wolf Man reunites with sweet beautiful girl but because of third party machinations in the past, he thinks that she betrayed him so he is suuuuuuch an ass to her (while still maintaining hotness).  But even beneath the asshattery (and sexy jerky smirks), he can’t help his love for her and it’s just *chefs kiss*. The angst, the pining, the mutual sacrifice for each other, the torment of wanting to be together but not being able to be together because of external forces/circustances, oh I am getting in a tizzy just thinking about it.  I won’t reveal anymore so as not to spoil the drama, but just know the ending may destroy you.

Is she thirsty? Am I thirsty? AM I THIRSTY?  Oh honey, if you don’t know the answer to that, then you must either be new here or you haven’t been paying attention to any of my posts in the past few weeks.  Look, from the first moment the camera panned to Darren Wang’s very well-defined and tan chest and windswept hair, all semblance of shame and dignity I ever tried to feign on this tumblr was immediately thrown out the window.  The feelings that he inspired within me were purely primal.  My cavewoman ancestor from millennia ago stopped gathering food in the harsh wilderness for a brief second to transmigrate into my body and go “me want big strong man!”

I mean, below is literally our introduction to Wolf Boy.  Am I supposed to just witness this and not feel anything?  The director knew what he/she was doing.  Anybody who worked on the drama who says they didn’t intend to exploit Darren Wang’s assets is a BOLD FACED LIAR. And this isn’t even Wolf boy in his hottest form.

That would be this:

Damn, your girl needs a moment here.  When Wolf Boy turns into Bad Hot Wolf Man, wheeeeewww.  The things that came out of my mouth and the thoughts that popped up into my head.

Examples of shameless fangirl drooling can be found here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/636986055498792960/dangermousie-this-should-be-illegal-i-mean Here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/637238885944033280/dangermousie-i-am-fucking-dead-the-end-this Here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/637793196830769152/dangermousie-wolfie-acquired-a-kid-omg Here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/635272988321775616/dangermousie-i-dont-know-about-you-guys-but and here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/637621638524977152/dangermousie-hnnnnnnnngh-i-am-beginning-to-forget

Honestly, just check out The Wolf tag on @dangermousie​ tumblr and you won’t be disappointed.  Prepare to become obsessed, horny, and heartbroken.

Would I watch it minus the thirst traps? Have you ever thirsted so much that you couldn’t separate what reaction was hormonal and what was objective?  Like the guy is so hot to you that when your friends ask you what do you like about him, the first 10 things you can think of are “he’s hot!” and then you try to remind yourself that you’re not a shallow person who actually cares about things other than looks but at the same time you can’t for the life of you think of a non-hot based trait that you like about the guy  Yeah, that’s what happened here so sorry, I can’t give you an objective opinion.  It’s not that there’s nothing objectively good about The Wolf, it’s just that my judgment is too clouded by Darren Wang’s abs and big hands.  But from what I can tell by other people’s posts, even if you didn’t thirst for Darren Wang (Are you made of stone?  But also, can you please teach me your magic so I can go back to being a semi-functional working woman?), The Wolf is still a very enjoyable drama with its own non-Darren Wang related merits.

2. My Beautiful Bride

Brief Summary: A drama about a strait-laced banker who wears a dorky backpack and rides a bicycle everywhere while wearing the dorkiest looking helmet ever and his beautiful bride-to-be whom he is hopelessly devoted to.  This being a kdrama, and an OCN drama at that, things aren’t all what they appear to be.  Yes, you read that right, an OCN. ROMANCE. DRAMA.  Turns out the beautiful bride-to-be has a dangerous past that soon comes back to haunt her and she mysteriously disappears one day from strait-laced banker’s life in the typical kdrama way to protect him.  Part of the reason she leaves him is also because she doesn’t want him to know about her past because she doesn’t think she’s good enough for him.  Little does she know, he knows everything about her past and accepts it all.  The only reason why he doesn’t bring it up is because he knows she doesn’t want him to know about that part of herself and he loves her so much he’s willing to do anything to make her happy.  But also, another thing she doesn’t know is that underneath that boring but perfectly ironed suit, is a finely chiseled, super efficient fighting machine who did his mandatory military service in the special forces.  He is like the terminator meets Liam Neeson’s character in Taken.  He has a very particular set of skills and will stop at nothing to get his bride back.

Is she thirsty?  Please just watch this video and you will have your answer: https://youtu.be/Ut9MhxWadHM

Prior to The Wolf, My Beautiful Bride was probably the most thirst-inducing drama I watched in 2020.

I mean, just look

at this

at all of this

I don’t’ know how Joo Young saw that body and never questioned whether he really was just a banker.  The writers of the drama must be super heterosexual men who are blind because so many of the characters in the drama question why someone as beautiful as Joo Young would ever want to be with someone like the banker. Um..Um...aside from the fact that he is financially well off, treats her well, is loving and respectful of her, and prioritizes her over everything else, JUST LOOK AT HIM.  I was so thirsty for Kim Mu Yeol in this role that I would accidentally tag this drama as My Beautiful Banker sometimes.  The banker was on a relentless one-man mission to take back his bride and turn me on in the process and ooooooh boy was he successful on both fronts.  He is seriously sex on legs every time he beats up a baddie in his quest to find answers about Joo Young’s whereabouts.

Would I watch it minus the thirst traps?  I binged the first six episodes of this drama in one afternoon partly because of my thirst, but also partly because it’s a very well made crime-action-gangster drama.  This is an OCN drama so you can expect a competently made production with well choreographed/bloody action scenes and a solid script.

3. Scarlet Heart Ryeo / Moon Lovers

Brief Summary: IU plays Hae Soo, a modern woman who is somehow transported back in time to the Goryeo period.  There, she gets entangled with a group of royal princes.  Her two main love interests are Wang So (played by Lee Jun Ki) and Wang Wook (played by Kang Ha Neul).  The princes vie for the throne and some of them for Hae Soo’s affection.  Lee Jun Ki does what he does best, which is play a sexy tortured deadly man who looks way too good with blood splattered on his face.  Kang Ha Neul is the seemingly kind prince/daddy long legs character who turns out to be not so kind or daddy long leggy.  Hae Soo is...well IU did the best she could with what she was given (which was a hot inconsistent mess).

Is she thirsty? Scarlet Heart Ryeo is like the honeypot of thirst traps.  It’s essentially a reverse harem set up with a prince for everyone.

Like them young and cute?  Then try the 10th prince, Wang Eun.

Want them big, tall, and kinda dumb?  Here’s the 14th prince Wang Jung for ya.

Want an evil bastard with an affinity for guyliner?  Try out 3rd prince Wang Yo.

Tall, slender, and scholarly? 13th prince Baek-ah will fill your needs.

Is a kind/gentle man who will ultimately disappoint you because he doesn’t show up when you need him most more your speed?  Well, let me introduce you to 8th prince, Wang Wook.

Kinda scary but oh so hot and with a ton of baggage?  We’re talking, I overpacked and brought 10 overstuffed large suitcases levels of baggage. 4th prince Wang So is the guy for you.

And if you prefer someone with no personality, presence, or memorable traits, I got a two-for-one deal for you in the crown prince Wang Mu and 9th prince Wang Won.

Would I watch it minus the thirst traps?  There is political intrigue, scheming, romance, fluffy hijinks (my least favorite parts of the drama), angst, beautiful costumes, and pretty decent fight scenes.  Scarlet Heart Ryeo is a pretty solid fusion/fantasy sageuk mostly thanks to Lee Jun Ki.  The only person who has ever carried a larger load on his back is Atlas.  I’m not saying all the other actors are horrendous. It’s just very clear that the one elevating the material beyond the inconsistencies/messiness/elementary politics of the script is Lee Jun Ki.  Your enjoyment level of the drama will likely increase if you are a fan of any of the main actors.  

[zdotsart]

MY ART PROGRESS 2020

LINK TO 2019

I improved significantly over 2020. Better mental health, living with the love of my life in a happy and healthy relationship, and i started to feel much better

MAY 2020

I drew wayyy too much jojo this month lol. Tried messing with Coloured lineart.

I also Started playing Animal Crossing! and i drew my boyfriend and I in the style

JUNE 2020

Remember princess Peach? Yeah my obsession with the JOJO artstyle bled into all my works...

I wanted to draw my tarot cards, but i gave up later. but heres Genji as the 2 of swords!

AUGUST 2020

More into JOJO characters, this time the stardust crusaders.

My boyfriend Introduced me to Control, and i really loved the game.

October and November i drew alot of body study art, but they contain Nudity and therefore cannot be posted

DECEMBER 2020

I wanted to focus more on portraits. This is A redraw of “Portrait of a Young Woman”(I think.. dont quote me on that) with Padme Amidala As the Subject. Experimentation with Soft lineart, No lineart and coloured lineart, as well as face study

Thank you for reading through these. my 2021 artwork will be posted one by one, and at the beggining of 2022 i will make another one of these for this year. I appreciate this.

[cybernightwanderer]

How whats left of me faded away, and how my first christmas home became my last : - The day my mom died. - The concept of family finally ended for me. - And how “ it doesnt get any better”.

23rd December.

These past few months i have been on psiquiatric medical leave from work due to a very severe depression thanks to the amazing workplace enviroment that has now crippled me so deeply physically and mentally, more before.

Its funny how when i try my hardest to recover and get my life back, its becomes so clear its a fucking joke.

Begining of the year i managed to fight off my mom on the money she was forcing me to pay her, and i managed to pay less from what i was paying before, and due to these medical leaves and corona, i get very little support finnancialy. I managed to save up almost 1k, i was ready to start believinng i could fix up my life. However i still pay her what i have to monthly, half the bills, 50 euros for food that i may consume at the house, and i also buy my food and my own things like i always did.

My mom has the tendancy to force me to take borrowed money she lends me.

For example mid corona time, i had to have gum surgery due to an old tooth infection, wich turned out to be 3 tooths, and i took out 2, needless to say my mom helped me with half of the apointments, i payed the surgery ones but then i needed follow up apointments so i wouldnt lose 4 more teeth. Apointments i canceled right away , beause i didnt have any money, and my mom being the mom that she is i always refuse her “ loans “ due to her being worse than a fucking stereotipical loan shark that takes that money back with interest, but in mental health and sanity. However she kept squedueling the apointments without me knowing, then tell me 1 day early, then get mad at me because id tell her i had no money so i told her to cancel and not make apointments without my consent and knowledge. This to wich she responded with screams , name calling , telling me to cancel myself and the general griefing of : “OK fine ill never help u with anything again “ / “ ok fine i dont care anymore then “, “ what you are too good to take my money is that it? “ Then when i standed my ground , proceeding to treat me miserably for the following week, demanding me to do random chores, just for the sake of punishing me , leaving dirty dishes of her own food acumulating so she could force me to do them and threaten me with a beating if i didnt, or making me wash the bathroom everyday for no reason.

With all this mess, half the money i had saved up + using it on the apointments and paying her back right away at the end of the month the consultations i owed her. I was left with 400 bucks.

Wich later on were also spent in dentist urgency apointments, because i kept having infections, psiquiatrist apointments and medicine and a laywer for the work harrassement situation, and then and there, all my money was gone.

The situation goes by, im home , receiving basic support for the medical leave, i pay my share of the bills and i do my own thing, however depression has gotten worse, my attacks have gotten worse, and everything just feels like rock bottom here.

These last 2 months, ive been trying so hard... so hard to get back on my feet, i was taking my medicine, i was taking a languague course, i was going to the doctor. I was really, really trying. Its funny how hard i was trying, for the first time in my life i was really trying to believe it could get better.

My mom was even acting nice and it almost seemed like she was really supporting me and trying.

December 23. Me and my mom go the psiquiatrist apointment for him to avaluate my condition. For the first time the apointment wasnt so heavy, it didnt leave me so weary from it. I finally believed. By the end of the consultation my doctor asks my mom to make sure i dont go back to that work place, because it might have a huge take on my life. My mom turns to the doctor and says : “ I know she cant go back , but she cant be unemployed either.” And the doctor says : “ I know, but if she goes back it can make her worse, we cant let that happend, its damaging her“ ( meaning she could kill herself, due to the last apointments conversation ) On to wich my mother replied : “ Well i cant be providing for us both with my money “.

...

When we arrived at the car i asked her why she said that and what she meant by that. And i told her that i pay for my food and that i pay for the things i eat that she buys ( wich is not much ) and that i also pay for half the bills.

To wich she agressivly threatned me to shut up and started yelling right away and acting like a victim with her mild aneurism that happend quite a few years ago in wich she HAS BEEN FULLY HEALED AND PERFECT HEALTHY, but always uses as an excuse to dodge the discussion after demanding certain shit or just plain insulting me. After a lot of lying and name calling and even telling me that i eat her food and that i live off of her. Into wich i replied, i dont always eat your food , and theres a lot of times when i dont eat and you yell at me and treat me badly for not eating your food wich led me to just eat cereals for months everyday as all 3  meals or not even eating and skipping meals for being too afraid of making my own food in the kitchen.

And so on... And i asked her what she wanted from me. And after a long car fight and a lot of gaslighting, she finnaly admitted she just wanted more money “ because if all your friends pay normal rent , you should too “ ( meaning a 450 rent ).

And then i just gave up and told her ok, ill pay you a full rent and i will also never toutch your food again. She laughed and made fun of me. And said : like ur even gonna buy your own food, you always use my things. to wich i asked what things? Oh you use my shampoo and toilet paper. To wich then i replied, everytime i buy toiler paper for me, you just take it as your own, and i dont use your shampoo or body wash i buy my own and i have been buying my own. And she just kept fighting me on it saying i do...and i told her i dont, if i by any chance dont have shampo ill use body wash as shampoo or vice versa. She just wanted to be right, so i just told her, ill pay you anything you want, i just dont wanna fight anymore im tired. To wich then she just kept saying “ oh now ur just trowing a fit “ And i sayd to her, why me agreing to what u ask and calmly shutting up to not fight anymore , how is that trowing a fit? i just gave you what you wanted, you dont need to be angry anymore.

And she just kept going at it, trying to poke my nerves until i just completly yelled and when crazy. The she acted like a victim again.

I am so drained, i am so tired....

After that discussion it was just 10 minutes of silence. I made a decision. That woman is not my mother anymore.

She wants to be a landlord so bad, she will be one.

My mother has died.

After a few minutes almost home , she decides to turn the “ mother mode “ on, and goes like “ oh you have to go to the doctor blah blah lets get your medicine etc. And i just told her, no. Ill go to the doctor on my own means, and ill buy the medicine when i have money.

Obviously she completly dismissed what i sayd and tried to drive me to the doctor and the pharmacy. After a few NO’s , she went home.

I got home, i took care of my things and i sorted out my doctors paperwork, she tries to come into my room, and acting like a worried mother like : “ oh did you do this -- etc” ( what i was already doing ) and i just told her, to stop. That she doesnt get to “ talk to me about those things anymore, or about my buisness.

Shes not my mother anymore. She doesnt get to act like a mother do just order me around and controll me. She is just a landlord now.

A few hours later, shes wrapping up presents and asks me to do it and asks me for my gifts wrapping thingies, and i told her no. Immediatly got mad at me and kept trowing provocative comments. And i told her, i didnt want any xmas gift from her, and that i wouldnt be spending xmas with her.

She made that usual smirk she mades when she sees me upset.

fast forward, the next day.

24 December

---

[madamsixx]

Beyond The Leather Chapter 6: Trouble After Paradise

Warnings: Drug use                       I was scared in fact I was terrified. She was pacing the room using all kinds of profanity that I have never heard before. I didn't even swear so it was shocking hearing her swear. Theresa was in the room sleeping she was out of it.

"This is unacceptable I cant.... I can't believe you Iman." She stared at me. "Your just beginning your career, and your going to let some crush with a junkie ruin it all for you!" She yelled waving her hands in the air.

"Tamara I'm-"

"Do not interrupt me when I am talking. Your mom trusted me to take care of you and I am trying my best. What on Gods earth made you go out. Especially with Nikki fucking Sixx! What do you think your doing by going to the Rainbow! Do you know what that place really is?"

I shook my head no. By this point I knew I messed up.

"That boy dosen't give two shits about you, your a game to him. That boy only cares about himself and drugs ok drugs nothing else. He can never love you or any one else."

Tears started coming down my cheeks and I started to cry because I knew she was right.

"Iman listen." Tamara sighed and walked towards me. She sat down on the couch." He can never love you ok. He's a junkie just like all the other guys he parties with. He will ruin you. None of those guys are worth your career." She whispered.

"I'm sorry." I hugged her and cried even more.

She rubbed my back and kissed my head. "Your better than he is. You need a decent guy a respectable guy. Not Nikki Sixx. But all that will come to you when your older. Right now you need to focus on you and your career. And also your schooling, cause your mom will kill me if you dont." She chuckled

"My mom must be really angry." I sniffed

"I didn't tell her, but you are going home for the rest of this month." She said with a stern voice.

"Ok." I wiped my tears.

"I'll deal with Theresa tomorrow, you go get some sleep. Your leaving tomorrow." She got and walked towards Theresa's bedroom.

I sat there staring at the walls. Tamara was right. I heard the way they talked about woman and saw the amount of alcohol they drank. But she was wrong about something.... the drugs. I haven't seen Nikki or any of his band members actually doing it. But who knows, people do things behind closed doors so that know one can see them for what they really are.

Next Morning

"I'm heading over to management I think I can get you into a big magazine shoot. And I got an audition for you for an up coming movie next year December."

"Ok" I sighed

Tamara walked out of my room and headed towards the door. But stopped and turned to Theresa who was nursing her hang over.

"I hope you learned your lesson." She spoke sternly.

"Uhhhh my head hurts and yes I did."

"If you want to go out get drunk and do drugs do it by yourself. Do not take my creation with you. I've worked to hard on her." She whispered down to Theresa.

"Shes a human being Tamara, also dont forget that shes a teen wanting to have fun. Not everything should be about work." Theresa responded back with an angled voice.

"Like I said I've worked hard on her. Do not fuck this up for me or your ass will be on the street." She snapped.

Tamara walked out the door slamming it shut.

"Hey you ok?" I asked coming out of the room.

"I'm alright hun, I had fun last night." She smiled.

"Oh I know."

I headed back to the room to finish packing.

Ring Ring Ring Ring

"Hey Theresa can you get the phone please!" I called out to her.

I continued packing trying to get all my stuff together. I heard the front door open and close and heard Theresa talking to somone. It sounded like a guys voice.

"Hey princess."

I look up to see Nikki standing by my door way. The nerve of this guy. To come over to my place and call me princess after what he did last night. If I was somone who swore there would be a lot of things I would call him.

"Why are you packing your suit case princess, where you going?" He asked with a confused look.

"I'm going home Nikki, so get out!"

This is where my temper starts to come in.

"Wait why I thought you said you were staying till the end of December?" He asked coming closer and sitting on my bed.

"Well I'm not so get out!" I yelled at him.

"No I'm not leaving till you tell me what's going on!" He shouted back at me.

"Ok what's going on is that I decided out of my better judgement to go out to the Rainbow with an alcoholic junkie." I sneered standing up.

Nikki's eyes went wide. He got up from my bed and walked towards me.

"Dont you ever fucking speak to me like that Iman.!" He pointed and shouted in my face.

"Whatever Nikki!" I pushed him and went down to zip and pick up my suitcase.

"Dont fucking touch me Iman!" Nikki yelled.

"Just get out Nikki what the hell do you want from me!?" I snapped pushing him again.

"I want you to fucking calm down and talk to me like a normal person not a fucking psycho bitch!!" He yelled grabbing on to my hands.

"Look Nikki, Tamara thinks it's best that I don't associate my self with somone like you ok. Our life styles are different. You drink, smoke, and treat woman as if there nothing. And you probably do drugs. I'm better than that, I'm better than you." I say pulling my hands away from him.

"Your better than me." He scoffs pointing at his chest.

"Yes I am." I say crossing my arms over my chest. "I don't want someone like you in my life. My career is taking off and I don't want to be dragged down by your decadent and excessive ways."

Nikki just stared at me putting his one hand on his hip and the other in his hair.

"Look let's just talk ok." He says with a lower voice. "If this is about last night I'm sorry I got fucked up ok. It won't happen again I swear to you." He says walking closer to me.

I felt bad but at the same time Tamara was right he will just ruin me. I'm a respectable good girl who needs to surround my self with people who are just like me. Not Nikki Sixx.

"I'm done talking to you, I said what ever I needed to say. Now get out Nikki. I'm going home."

"Fine run home to your mommy." He scoffs turning to leave.

Oh so he wants to start bringing mommy's and daddys into this argument ok.

"Well at least I have a mom. A mom and family to go home to. What do you have Nikki?" I smirk.

Nikki was seething with anger. He told me these things because he trusted me and I used them against him.

"Fuck you and fuck your family you fucking whore!" He yelled and I punched him in the jaw.

He turned to me in shock. His once calm expression turned into something I can't even describe. Maybe the hulk.

"You cunt!" He yelled shoving me back.

I tripped over my suitcase and fell on the ground. Theresa came running in the room as Nikki towered over me.

"Nikki stop!" She yelled.

Nikki held one hand to his jaw and the other reaching down to take my hand to lift me back.

"Dont touch me." I snapped slapping his hand away. "Just get out Nikki." I said with a shaky voice.

Nikki turned away with a clenched jaw and left my room.

"Nikki I'm very sorry shes just-"

"Listen you, her, and that stuck up bitch Tamara can all go fuck your selves." Nikki turned around and interrupted Theresa.

"Nikki plea-

"I SAID FUCK OOOOFF!" He shouted right in front of Theresa's face. He turned on his heel and walked out the door slamming it hard. Theresa was really scared almost shaking by his outburst.

Theresa came back in the room and sat by me. She placed her arms around me and hugged me tightly. I just wanted to go home at this point. I needed my family and to get away for a bit.

Nikki's POV

"Fuck her, fuck that fucking bitch and her cunt friends." I barged through my apartment door slamming it shut.

"Woah Sixx calm down, what's eating you up?" Robbin looked up from snorting coke.

"Fucking Iman is what's up. I tried fucking talking to her and she went all psycho on me."

"Hmm wow." Robbin responds laying his head back on the couch.

"Dude you save some for me?" I furrowed my brows.

"Yeah, oh by the way Neil called, he asked if you wanted to go on a club Med holiday with him to the french own island of Martinique in the Caribbean."

"Mmmmm yeah sounds good. Its not like I have a house, or friends, or a girlfriend here. You gonna come to?"

"Yeah bro I think I will." Robbin shifted over and made room for me to sit on the couch.

"Great I'll call him back, after I have some blow." I made a line on the table and snorted it up. ____

Saturday, December 1st, 1984

Nikki's POV

I came to the Caribbean Island of Martinique with Robbin Crosby and Neil Zlozower. I couldn't remember how I even got here because I was too drugged out.

"Wow this Island is beautiful. I stated as I was sipping a margarita.

"Shit sure is. So what do you got planned for us Neil?" Robbin asked.

"Well we should go on a hike later on in the day. I hired a tourist to take us around." Neil says while opening up a map. "He's going to take us up on a water hike.

"Why do we need to hike when there are topless woman to look at every where." I lifted my head while bringing down my sunglasses to look at women.

"Cause were on vacation Nik. Site seeing places is better than site seeing woman you dont really want." Neil stated.

"What's that suppose to mean?" I scoffed.

"Iman." Neil raised his eyebows.

I glared at Robbin.

"Look I only told him so that he could plan a good trip for us to take your mind off of her." Robbin waved his hands.

"I dont want to talk about her anymore. Let's just fucking go site seeing."

____

December 9th, 1984, Tornto, Canada

Iman's POV

I had been home for a couple of weeks now and I was very happy. I went shopping with my sisters, went to the movies, went to church, and had a chance to catch up with my school work. Some of my friends even visited me and we went out to eat. The only thing I didn't miss about being home was the winter. LA was hot all year round.

"Wow the tree is looking nice girls, let maya put the star up when you guys are done." My mom stated

"Yayyyyyy!!!" Maya jumped up.

"Bet you miss the LA heat huh." My sister Felicia nudged me.

"Oh man I do, but I rather be here in the cold with you guys than in the heat in LA alone." I smiled.

"So Tamara tells me you have an audition in February for a movie in December next year. That's good." My mom says as she sits down on the couch.

"Yeah I'm excited. I'm also excited too because I have some interview coming up next year. So that will be great."

"As long as you continue with your school work with the home school teacher." My mom says with a stern voice.

"Ughhh mommy whyyyyyy." I whine.

"Iman, you need something to fall back on in case acting doesn't work out. You getting a high school Diploma will benefit you, and also make me happy.

And that's something I always wanted for my mom to be happy.

"Sorry off topic but when's the last time you talked to Ola?" My older sister Selena asks walking into the living room

"Oh it's been a while. I should call her one of-"

I was interrupted as the phone began to ring.

"Hello." My mom answers the phone.

"Oh hi Tamara it's good to hear from you. Hope everything is alright?"

It was Tamara calling. My mom continues talking on the phone with her until she calls me over to talk with her.

"Hey Tammy how are you?"

"Hi honey listen dont freak out or anything, but I need to yell you something important. Vince from Motley Crue was involved in a car crash.

"Oh my God is he alright?"

"He is, but he had a friend in the car with him named Razzle and he didnt make it."

"Oh no."

"Vince and that guy Razzle were driving drunk. They also hurt three other innocent people. You see why I said these guys were bad news and to stay away from them. I hope you understand what im trying to tell you now."

"Yeah I... I do."

"Alright honey well I'll let you go. I'll send Theresa down to get you when it comes closer to your audition day ok."

"Alright thanks Tammy, bye." I walked over and put the phone down.

Wow this was shocking. I couldn't believe Vince would drink and drive. Well actually I feel like I could, words like responsibility and consequences meant nothing to those guys. They didnt care about anyone but themselves. Now three innocent people were hurt, due to two drunk drivers. I will definitely stay far away from them.

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[pizzarollpatrol]

Fic Rec List #4 2/3/2019

First rec list of 2019! As always, thank to all these beautiful writers for sharing. 40 fics on this list this time. If a link doesn't work, please let me know! I’ll be happy to fix it.  

You Don't Have to be Alone by @thottybarnes

Summary: In which Bucky Barnes, a soldier who lost his arm on a peacekeeping mission overseas in Syria is having issues adjusting to being a disabled man in modern times. You, Barnes’ best friend since childhood, take it upon yourself to help him the best you can. Bucky x Reader. —— Oh my god I loved this so much. I just really love your writing.

Safe House by @thottybarnes 

Summary: When a mission goes south, you make it a personal mission to make your boyfriend, Bucky Barnes, see the light at the end of the tunnel by taking him to your safe house. Bucky x Reader.

Peppermint Shake by @thottybarnes

Summary: In which Reader happens to buy a peppermint milkshake with a cherry and two straws while on a date with her best guy. 40s!Bucky x Reader—— I love this one so much, its so sweet and endearing. 

Hero for Hire by @delicatelyherdreams

Summary: Tired of constantly being sat on the sidelines for missions, Bucky Barnes deciders that he’s going to do his own hero work and office his services to the public as a freelance “hero for hire.” he expects to be asked to rescue cats from threes or help little old ladies cross the street, but he doesn’t expect to get tangled up in your life. He definitely doesn’t expect to fall for you either. But, when you’re a hero for hire, you’ve gotta see the mission through. Bucky x reader. Completed series.—— holy fuck. Y’all, if you only read one fic from this list, read this one!!! Oh my god it is such a ride. I loved this fic with my whole ass heart and I got so freaking invested. 

Touch me Tenderly by @delicatelyherdreams

Summary: You’ve never seen his skin, never seen his scars. He’s scared to show them, but maybe all he needs is to feel your tender touch. Bucky x reader.

Day Off by @softlybarnes​

Summary: Bucky really wants to take a nap with the reader, but she just wants to read.Bucky x reader. —— Holy crap. This is literally the softest thing I’ve ever read. This is my actual dream, I absolutely loved this and I desperately want this in life. I love how clingy he is and I love how despite how he’s touching her, its still just innocent, grounding touch. I love this fic with my whole ass heart, definitely one of my favorites. 

Sad by @softlybarnes

Summary: The reader, who has struggled with depression all her life, slips back into that deep sadness. Bucky is worried and tries his best to help. Bucky x reader. —— I was crying almost the entire time i read this, it’s so beautiful and heartbreaking

Sugar by @softlybarnes

Summary: Bucky survives the war and comes home just a little bit changed. His girl loves him anyway, and she knows exactly how to show it. Bucky x Reader. Smut. —— YOOOOOOOOO. Dude I just love your writing so much, you don’t understand the happiness I feel every time i read one of your fics. I loved this one so much. I love the way to talk to each other and how they carry their relationship.

Casual by @writing-parker

Summary: The reader has been seeing Steve for more than a year now, stuck somewhere between friends with benefits and an actual relationship. He wants to commit to you, but he cant let himself. You overhear a conversation you wish you hadn’t-learning much more about the way Steve feels about you than you ever wanted. Steve Rogers x reader. —— My heart BROKE. Even tho know you see how Steve feels about the reader from his thoughts, I still couldn’t help but hate him. God, this was so good. 

Give Him Back by @soopranatural

Summary: The Hulk is not an idiot, he knows when he is needed and he knows when he is not. Bruce Banner x Enhanced!Reader. —— Oh my god. ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod. This is the first Bruce fic I’ve ever read and I feel in love. I love how you characterized Hulk and it was so sweet. This fic definitely left me wanting more Bruce and Hulk fics.

Firefighter!Bucky Drabble by @hootyhoobuckaroo

Summary: If firefighter!Bucky rescued you from a fire, realistically you wouldn’t even know it was him. Bucky x Reader.—— AHHHHHH I never even considered Firefighter!Bucky until now and I can’t stop thinking about it. I loved this sooooo much. 

Eggnog by @buckyforbreakfast

Summary: Bucky as a little too much and gets creative with the gingerbread men. Bucky x Reader. —— I know, I know, Christmas passed already but holy crap. I was not about to leave this fic out of the list. Its so cute, I could not contain myself.

Baby by @paradisaicsam

Summary: Different situations in which reader makes Peter flustered by calling him baby. Peter Parker x Reader. —— Oh i loved this one so so much. Its so sweet and endearing.

A Restless Night by @221bshrlocked

Summary: “My room is haunted, so I have to sleep in yours.” Steve x reader. Smut.

Things Change by @fvckingavengers

Summary: After completing a rough mission, Bucky and the reader retreat to her family’s vacation home as a safe house. Bucky x reader. 

Effortless by @supernovasandcoronas

Summary: “I’ll be right back” kisses: A puts their hands on B’s shoulders from behind them, where they are sat on the couch. He leads down around, while B turns his head a little, accepting the quick peck. Sam Wilson x reader.

Fresh Eyes by @supernovasandcoronas

Summary: You’re a pharmacist in one of the busiest pharmacies in Brooklyn. When some of the Avengers start picking up their medications from your pharmacy, you know life is about to get infinitely more interesting. Sam Wilson x Poc!Reader

Oxytocin by @supernovasandcoronas

Summary: Touches that may or not lead to something more. Bucky x reader.

Gentle by @invisibleanonymousmonsters

Summary: Y/N has never seen Bucky be anything but gentle and loving. It’s hard for her to believe her boyfriend was ever the world’s deadliest and most lethal assassin. Bucky x reader. —— Oh god, I loved this with my whole ass heart. 

Swipe Right by @avengerscompound

Summary: Sam Wilson signs Steve up for Tinder. When the woman he Super Likes during Sam’s tutorial messages him, Steve goes from unwilling dating app user to developing feelings. Steve  Rogers x Reader. Completed series.

Breakfast in Bed by @avengerscompound

Summary: Children really do change things They also have terrible timing. Steve x reader.

Dead Serious by @puppy-barnes

Summary: When you accidentally kill a man after a night with friends, you call your boyfriend Bucky to come save the day. Bucky x Reader. —— God, I loved this so much. Its so original and hysterical and I’ve read this so many times. 

Polaroids by @spidey-holland67

Summary: May gets Peter a camera for his birthday, ever since then he cant stop taking pictures of you. He always kept them in a box in his room, but one day some one finally finds them. Peter Paker x Stark!Reader. Smut

Sharing by @elivanah

Summary: Steve’s girlfriend finds out that Steve and his best friend used to share their women. Steve x reader x Bucky. Smut.  —— If this aint the hottest shit I’ve read in a while. 

What Feels Right by @waywardmoeyy

Summary: Castiel makes a move on the reader. Castiel x reader. 

Adrenaline Fix by @jaamesbbarnes

Summary: When you need to spice up your life and Bucky in intendedly provides the spice but also the comfort. Bucky x Reader. —— AHHHH IM SO SOFT YOU DONT EVEN KNOW. 

Lil Bit Floozy by @piscesbarnes

Summary: Bucky’s more prone to be responsive when you’re a soft drunken mess. Bucky x reader

Snowed In by @beckzorz

Summary: You’re all set for a vacation in the woods. A cozy cabin, a fireplace, solitude… Then a tall stranger falls through your front door. What’s a girl to do? Bucky x reader. —— Hannukah fic!!

Starshine by @a-splash-of-stucky

Summary: The starts feature in some important moments throughout your life. 40s!Steve Rogers x reader —— Absolutely loved this and shed a few tears by the end. 

Unusual Request by @a-splash-of-stucky

Summary: In which you dress up as a schoolgirl and have a threesome with Nat and Steve. Steve x Natasha x Reader. Smut.

How Long Will I Love You by @a-splash-of-stucky

Summary: Nothing Lasts forever, except, perhaps, your love for him. Artist!Steve Rogers x Artist!Reader. —— Just break my heart into billions of pieces i guess.

The Quest for Love by @sgtjbuccky

Summary: (Modern-Day!AU) Work has always been a priority for Bucky, leaving things like love long forgotten, and for him it’s no problem, but for Sam and Steve it is the biggest problem to grace this earth. Fed up with Bucky and his constant protests and avoidance of love, they set him up on a series of dates to find the girl of his dreams with the help of the magical spirit of December. Only for Bucky to realize love isn’t always found where one goes looking for it, but may be close by. Bucky x reader. Completed series. —— Ohhhhhhhh my goddddddddd.  The love i have for this series is unreal. I love their banter and playfulness and how easy going their whole relationship us. Its so fun and sweet and endearing. 

Say It by @sgtjbuccky

Summary: In where you loved Bucky unconditionally, enough to sacrifice your life for his happiness, now Bucky tries to save you. Bucky x reader. Completed series. —— Bruhhhhhhhhh, this is such a good ass series. Unrequited love, sacrifice and soooo much pain. Love this fic with my whole ass heart.

Already Yours by @sgtjbuccky

Summary: Bucky hasn’t had the best of luck trying to charm you, but when confidence finally washes over him, he makes his move only to realize is ain’t as smooth as he used to be, but that may not be a bad thing at all. Based on prompt: “You keep licking your lips and giving me that look, you don’t even know me, yet I’m already yours”. 40s!Bucky x reader.

The Three Times Steve Caught You by @bucky-plums-barnes

Summary: Bucky is back from the war, you have time to make up for. Sometimes it’s interrupted. 40s!Bucky x reader. 

Woman Like a Drug by @writingcroissant

Summary: Bucky thinks naughty thoughts and you’re not ready to reveal a secret. Bucky x reader

Out of Touch by @buckitybarnes

Summary: “I think i requested this one before but i really want this fic! Bucky always to goes to hang with the reader when he wakes up with nightmares because he thinks she’s always still up. In reality, reader make FRIDAY wake her up when Bucky gets up at night so she can comfort him and Steve finds out.” Bucky x reader. —— This tore my heart to bits.

I Just Want Attention by @buckysforeverprincess

Summary: You begin to have doubts about your relationship with Steve as he starts to pull away from you. Steve x reader. —— Oh fuck, whatever I had left of a heart was destroyed. 

Kinkmas - Day Eight by @beardandbooty

Summary: Subby rope bunny Bucky. Bucky x reader. Smut. —— Technically this is more of an headcanon/drabble (???) than a fic but It was too good to not put it on the list. Also, i love the term rope bunny, and Bucky’s last line in this fic.

Headcanon by @prettyyoungtragedy

Summary: Ask: “Being one of the best assassins ever known, Bucky lord to use his skills and stealth to get handsy with you whenever he can. He can almost have you on the verge of coming on the couch while everyone is in the same room watching movies and they never notice.” Bucky x reader. Smut. —— Also a headcanon, but I loved this a little too much. 

[strongpham]

The Dumbest Thing You Possibly Do Is Piss Off An December Woman Funny T-Shirt. Perfect Gift For Woman, Girls, Wife, Girlfriend, Grandma, Aunt... who has birthday on December

[trendytopshirts]

DECEMBER Woman Gift DECEMBER Woman Gift, Don't Piss Off December Woman T-Shirt -- #december #decemberwoman #funny #birthdaygift #decemberbirthday #tshirt #clothing #dontpissoffdecember #queensarebornindecember #decemberqueen #decemberqueens #custom #trending #giftideas #mothersday #womanshirt #cute #cool #dracula #scary #creepy

[kinda-iconic]

Happy 6 month anniversary blog! You’ve been there with me through a LOT of personal struggles (and a lot of smh moments where I come out with something stupid 🙃) and I’ve just gotta say that, though this fandom does have its issues occasionally... I don’t regret creating this blog! 🎉

As for my followers... thank you all so so much for believing in me and supporting me through my journey as both a writer and my journey through the mess that I call my life! 💕 You’ve all been so kind and welcoming to me and I couldn’t wish for a better fandom to be a part of! I am so honoured to be hosting the Choices December Challenge and I am incredibly grateful to all of you who have shared it around and taken part - your work is extraordinary and even if I don’t read it straight away your efforts are always appreciated and I just... can’t thank you all enough really!

I’m not going anywhere for a long while so unfortunately you’re gonna have to put up with a load more personal/choices stuff - I’m so sorry for the spam of personal things... there’s just some things you can’t put on FB or IG ya know 🙌🏼 but I’m so grateful for all of you and I love you all to pieces xx it hasn’t been long at all and already I’m nearing 500 followers so... wow 😮

All of you deserve special recognition and love but I’m just gonna name a few...

@im-nk-writes you were my first friend on here and you were always there for me through everything - even when I spammed you with personal stuff that got too much (I am sorry about that btw! ☺️) and I honestly can’t thank you enough for everything! xx

@queerchoicesblog @the-council-of-new-york-vampires thank you for being the sweet adorable beanies that I have grown to love and cherish! 💕 you’re truly amazing people and you have no idea how much you’ve made me smile!

@rebeccaschoices DO NOT CHANGE EVER! You are a strong, independent woman and the QUEEN of comedy please continue being the boss that we all know and love

@teamtomsato @christopher-powell @itlivesbeneath 🙌🏼♥️😱🤩 You guys rock! Eurgh you’re just so amazing! ♥️

@femmeshep @griselda1121 @zigortega4life @imafictosexual @akrenich @begging-for-kamilah @give-me-ernest-sinclaire love you guys so much! xx 💕

And there’s so many others that I can’t eurgh... I honestly love you all so much!

Thank you all for the past 6 months! And here’s to an amazing 2019! 🍻🍾

Ramble over, goodnight all! Xxxxx

Love Amy 💜

[freyjaiam]

Part of ‘Frey’s 12 Days of Ficmas’

03: Peraltiago: The Battle of Turkeys

Holidays were always chaotic for Amy. She just wanted them to be perfect. She always made a plan and did her best to stick with it so that there was no discord. If one thing went wrong it rocked her. She did her best to keep it cool, her friends and husband always there to try and ease her nerves in a way her parents never could when she was younger. However, being married to Jake was a new pressure she hadn’t dealt with before. Her husband didn’t have many fond memories of any holiday. She wanted to change that. Which was why she was up at four in the morning opening her binder to start the day. She had many pieces of the puzzle already in play.

Gifts?

Wrapped and under the tree her and Jake decorated on December first. Half of Jake’s were decoys because she knew he was impatient and did his best to guess what she’d gotten him by shaking and “accidentally” opening gifts. Socks, underwear, and other random things were under that tree. His real gifts were safely stashed with Rosa, who would be bringing them at dinner. Save for the one gift she still had to pick up before the dinner started.

The table?

Already set. She’d been up until midnight making sure it was perfect. She’d researched many websites, magazines, and even watched some daytime television to get these ideas. Her colors were traditional. The plates each had a little sheer giftbag coordinated with the person assigned to that seat. Gina had promised her that she’d get the flowers for her centerpiece, but since Amy knew Gina liked to sabotage her due to thinking it was funny she also bought extra flowers which she had in the fridge to keep them as fresh as possible.

Alcohol?

Alcohol is a must for parties. Especially with the precinct. Jake’s parents were also coming. Not Amy’s. They decided to visit her brother this year. Her and Jake had bought some and everyone else attending said they would bring something as well. Needless to say it wasn’t going to be a dry party.

Food?

Amy had a slight fight with Charles about the food. She knew she wasn’t a great cook. Despite her promise to always follow the recipe, and despite Charles having gone to the store with her to make sure she had all the ingredients for everything she said she wanted to make, he still insisted on coming to help cook. All Amy could think about was the food truck fiasco where both her and Gina quit because they weren’t cutting the bread right. She didn’t want a hospital visit this holiday, and she knew if Charles was in the kitchen with her she’d probably stab him in the face with her best kitchen knife. So they eventually agreed to split the side dishes in half. She would be in charge of the potatoes, gravy, and green bean casserole. They argued over the turkey. He finally relented but she knew that sneaky sonuvabitch  was making his own turkey to bring here. She just knew it. The little attention whore was probably hoping she’d fail so that he could take the credit for—

“Okay, Amy, focus,” she said outloud with a shake of her head. “You got this. Just…” She checked her watch. “Just under ten hours until people start to show up.”

She went to the fridge to pull out the turkey that she’d taken out of the freezer and—

“Oh… Oh no…” She set it on the counter and it thunked. “WHY ARE YOU STILL FROZEN?!”

.

.

.

“JAKE!” Jake bolted up from bed. His heart was racing and his hand went over it as he looked at his wife. He instantly knew something was wrong due to the wild look on her face. Well that and the giant nicotine patch he saw on her forehead. He hadn’t seen that since their wedding. “We have an emergency!”

“You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“We have more important things to worry about than your heart, Jake!”

“Ouch. Okay. Hurtful. But okay.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just really freaking out, because I already messed up this morning. Jake, the turkey is frozen. Frozen! There is no way I’m going to get it thawed out, in the oven, and ready in time for dinner.”

“Can’t we just, I don’t know, put it in the oven to thaw out?”

“No Jake, that is how you get raw turkey in the middle and dry and burnt turkey on the outside. I’m a disaster in the kitchen but even I know that! I need your help!”

“Okay,” he crawled out of bed and walked to her. He put his hands on her shoulders. “Breathe Amy. We got this. We’re a team, now, remember?”

“Yeah.” She took a calming breath. “Jake, what are we going to do?”

“I’ll put on some pants and find us a turkey. Shouldn’t be too hard since its still early. Right? I mean, corporate America cares more about making the extra dollar now than taking a holiday off for their employees so… I’m sure I’ll find something.”

“Thanks. I’ll start the other stuff but… Please hurry.”

Jake slipped on a shirt, shrugged on his jacket, and found his wallet and keys. On his way out the door he didn’t ask once about the turkey wedged in the microwave that was destroyed due to the door being on the kitchen floor. He just hoped to God he found a turkey before it was more than just the microwave receiving a beating from Amy today.

.

.

.

“Jake? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, nooooooooooooo—-Hey Charles!” Jake spun around to see his best friend. “Just picking up a few things we forgot.”

“Really? But I went shopping with Amy the other day. She should have everything.” Jake hated the almost gleeful look that came upon his best friend’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong,” insisted Jake.

“Then why are you here?”

“I told you-”

“No, nope, not buying it,” said Charles, hands on his hips. He was practically bouncing on the heels of his shoes. “Something is up. I can smell it.”

“Well… Get your nose checked. Because we’re fine!” Jake then decided to flip the tables. “Why are you here?”

“Amy said I could make a dessert so I’m making pecan pie. All the extra hours we got this week I couldn’t make the trip until now…”

Jake’s eyes narrowed. “I thought you went shopping with Amy this week?”

“I did.”

And there it was. The small hiccup. The slight catch of breath, the way Charles slightly adjusted his brown tie, something was up with him. Jake didn’t know what it was, but he was the best damn detective in the city, so he was going to sniff it out.

“Oh? Then why are you here? If you went shopping with Amy then you should have everything you need as well. So, Boyle, why are you really here?”

They stood, face to face, waiting for the other to break. They stood like that for a good minute before Charles cleared his throat and backed off. They silently regarded one another and then separated. Jake sighed a sigh of relief when Charles exited into the pasta aisle. He then made his move. He went down the cookie aisle, knowing Charles would be following him. He knew his friend, and he knew he’d be watching. He took a sharp left down the the dairy aisle, apologizing to the woman whose cart he ran into when he was too busy looking to see where Charles was. Little did Jake know, Charles was doing the same thing, and they both froze in slight surprise when they met again near the turkeys.

“Aha! I knew it! Something is wrong! She messed up the turkey already, hasn’t she?!”

“What? No! I’m just…”

“Oh save it, Jake. I know you’re covering for her.”

“Okay, then why are you here?” Jake raised an accusatory finger at Charles. “You’re here for turkey, too. Aren’t you? You promised me you wouldn’t interfere with Amy’s turkey!”

“My toes were crossed, Jake, no promise was made!”

“Dammit. I forgot about your freakishly long toes,” muttered Jake. “Rookie mistake. Next time I make a promise with you the shoes come off, Buddy!”

“Admit defeat, Jake. I’m going to make the best turkey, and you can’t stop me,” said Charles, showing his ugly side, but Jake could get ugly, too. “I knew she couldn’t do it. I was going to just let the chips fall where they may but decided that swooping in with the better turkey would be better.”

“You know what?” Jake grabbed a turkey. It was perfect. And not frozen at all. “There will be no swooping today! Amy and I are going to make the best turkey. Better than any dry piece of meat you’ll have to offer!”

Charles gasped, then snagged his own turkey. “All have you know my turkey is moist and delicious and it will beat the pants off of your turkey! So bring it, Bitch!”

Challenge accepted.

Merry freaking Christmas.

.

.

.

“Amy! Amy we need to…” It was quiet. Too quiet. Jake locked the door and timidly made his way to the kitchen, hoping she was ok. Amy wasn’t there. There was a pile of potatoes, half peeled and half not. There was also a bag of green beans on the counter. He set the turkey in the sink because he remembered something about a turkey needing to be in the sink from his mother. It was now eight in the morning. They had six hours. They needed to get this bird in the oven. “Ames? Where are you?”

It was then he realized she wasn’t there. He pulled out his phone and texted her that he was home with the turkey. He saw her start to reply, but no message was sent. Did she not trust him to do it? Had she thought he’d fail at getting them a turkey? The thought hurt a little, but he couldn’t let it get to him. Not yet.

Because he had to beat Charles.

How hard could it be to make a turkey?

He removed the plastic and only puked one when pulling out all the guts from the ass of the turkey. Thankfully he made it to the trash can. He threw the guts over his vomit and then took out the trash to remove the evidence of him yaking in the bin. Twenty minutes later he heard the jangling of keys in the door right after he finished cramming stuffing back up the ass he’d just pulled guts out of.  He was washing his hands and talking as he heard someone approaching him from behind.

“Amy, not cool, where have you-” He turned around and the woman in front of him wasn’t Amy. She had long, brunette hair, blue eyes, and was smiling nervously while wringing her hands before placing them in the back pockets of her jeans. “You aren’t Amy.”

“Jake…” Amy stepped into the kitchen. She had an easygoing smile as she approached him. She took his hand then tugged him forward a little closer to the mystery woman. “Jake this is Victoria. Your half-sister.”

“My…” He looked her over once more. She had Dad’s nose. “Oh.”

“Um… Surprise?” said Victoria before letting out a nervous laugh.

“Um, yeah… Hi!” Jake eagerly opened his arms for a hug and she gave him one. She was tense at first but relaxed slightly before he pulled away. “Victoria, huh?”

“Vicki, please, only my mother calls me Victoria and usually that’s when I did something pretty bad,” she said with a laugh.

“Right. Right. So, where are you from?”

“Minneapolis, Minnesota originally but currently living in Fargo, North Dakota.”

“Oh, you don’t sound like—”

“Yeah, trust me, not everyone from there talks like the people from the movie,” she said with a laugh. “Everyone from that town hates that damn movie.”

“Right,” said Jake, chancing a look to Amy, who loved that movie. She seemed unphased about it though. “Fargo sucks. I mean, if you want a good movie, then the one to watch is Die Hard, right?”

“Let me show you where to put your stuff while Jake processes,” said Amy, gesturing toward the hall that lead to the spare bedroom, shaking her head at Jake’s poor attempt to see if his sister liked the movie he loved. When she returned she wrapped her arms around Jake. “Hey… Doing okay?”

“How… When…”

“I kinda went over your notes, and babe we really have to work on your organizational skills, but I managed to track down Vicki with the help of your dad. Um, I didn’t give him a heads up about her being here today either. But she wanted to meet you. More than him. Um… She’s never met your dad so…”

“That’ll be interesting.”

“You’re okay with this?” she asked, her eyes searching his.

“What? Are you kidding me? I love it. I’m just surprised you kept the secret that long from everyone or that no one found out. Wait… Did you fake a turkey emergency to get me out of the apartment or…”

“Oh, no, the turkey is a disaster. I really did need a new one that wasn’t a solid brick of ice. But I see you got one, and started it, thanks Babe.”

“Yeah, about that…”

Jake filled in Amy about meeting Charles at the store. Suddenly, gone was the bubbly woman he loved and in her place was a demon ready to suck the soul out of Boyle’s body and place it into the fiery pits of hell.

“We need to destroy him,” she said flatly.

“Okay, but it’s Charles,” said Jake. “The guy can cook. And let’s be honest, the two of us can barely manage not burning a pizza in the oven.”

“Yeah, but we have a secret weapon,” said Amy with a grin.

“What is that?” asked Jake as Vicki entered the kitchen.

“Hey, Vicki, I was just telling Jake that you are part owner of a restaurant up in Fargo,” said Amy, giving Jake a slight nudge.

“Oh, really?” said Jake, a sneaky smiling on his face as he pressed his fingertips together.

“Okay. I’ve only known you both for a couple hours but I can see something is going on,” said Victoria. “What’s up?”

“Well…”

.

.

.

Charles felt pretty damn smug. His turkey was perfect. Along with the cranberry sauce and desserts Amy asked him for after their little fight over cooking dinner. He also made some sweet potatoes, just to be safe. Oh, and some fresh rolls. He nodded to Rosa who had a sack full of gifts as well as some beer. The girl she was dating, the one she met on Jake and Amy’s wedding day, was with her parents instead. Their relationship being new Rosa had turned down the idea of meeting her parents on the holiday and instead decided to celebrate with her second family.

“Charles.”

“Hey Rosa! What’s with all the gifts?”

“None of your business.”

“Okay, okay…”

“What’s with all the food?” asked Rosa, nodding toward the bag. “I thought Amy was cooking.”

“We decided to split the cooking duties this year.”

“Uh huh… But wasn’t she making the turkey?”

“Well… I figured—”

“You went behind her back and made your own, didn’t you? Bad move Charles. Though I approve because it’ll be funny to see Amy annihilate you when you come in the door with it.”

“Trust me, you’ll thank me later,” said Charles as they got to the door. He knocked and it was Jake who answered. His face stern as he looked at Charles. “Hello, Jake.”

“Charles.”

“Ugh,” said Rosa, shouldering her way in with her stuff, avoiding the standoff at the door. She nodded to those who were there. When she noticed a new face she turned to Amy with a questioning look.

“That is Victoria,” said Amy, taking the bag of gifts. “Jake’s sister.”

“Holy crap,” said Rosa. “Well that’s a surprise.”

“Yeah, he thought so, too. Thanks for keeping his gifts. Glasses are in the kitchen for drinks.”

“Okay. Hey, just a heads up, Charles-”

“Oh, I know, Jake told me. Don’t worry. We have it handled.”

Rosa had to admit. It smelled damn good in the kitchen when she got her drink. She also noticed the perfectly cooked pies cooling on the counter top. She smirked at that, remembering Charles saying something about cooking the desserts. Rosa poured her drink and went into the living room to ready herself for the fireworks.

.

.

.

“Oh, Charles, sorry. I had no room for the turkey in the oven,” said Amy. “Your sweet potatoes went in there though. They fit just fine.”

“That’s ok, Amy, my turkey will be fine sitting out for the next couple minutes. Since it’s done and perfect. Oh, I saw the pies. Where did you buy them from?”

“I didn’t buy them,” said Amy with a smug grin. “They’re homemade.”

Charles scoffed at that. “Oh, please, no one here will believe that.”

“Ohhh, but it is the truth,” said Jake, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “They are homemade. My sister made them.”

“Kate?” asked Charles. “Well now no one will eat your food. There will probably be glass in it!”

“No, not Kate,” said a woman Charles didn’t know, hands on her hips and her eyebrow quirked. Charles instantly disliked her. “Me.”

“Charles, I’d like for you to meet my sister Vicki. She is a co-owner to a wonderful little restaurant and OUR FOOD IS GOING TO WIN! In your face!”

“Oh, bring it, Jake. My palette is superior in every way. I’m going to wipe the floor with you!” Charles then quickly shifted gears. Because since she was Jake’s sister he totally loved her already. “My name is Charles, I’m Jake’s best friend, it’s really nice to meet you by the way–-Now get ready to suck it!”

“Wow,” said Vicki as Charles marched out of the kitchen area. “He’s… A lot.”

“Oh, yeah, he’s very intense. Maybe a little insane. But he’s my partner and best friend aside from Amy and means a lot to me so hopefully we can get along after all this.”

“Who cares. I just want to win,” said Amy, taking another drink for herself before announcing that dinner was ready.

Jake’s dad had cancelled. Which was fine with Amy but heartbreaking for Jake so she supported him with a half hug. Vicki wasn’t too sad about the dad she never met not showing. Surprisingly she got along really well with Jake’s mother and Kevin, the both of them very curious about her business at home. When it came time to carve the turkeys Amy and Charles faced off at opposite ends of the table. Everyone got a helping of each turkey. From the looks of it Amy and Vicki’s looked better. But looks weren’t everything. They took their seats. Amy cut her toast in half so that the eating could start, and then she just watched. Everyone seemed happy with all the food and that made her feel better by a lot. The turkey was what mattered the most. Charles tried to say she cheated by not making it. Vicki intervened by saying she never touched the turkey and only gave guidance while making the pies.

That had shut him up.

“Okay, you have to settle this for us, who had the better turkey?”

“Must we really?” Kevin sighed before sharing a look with Vicki. “I must warn you. This group of individuals are always involved in some inane quarrel about who is better at what.”

“Competition is healthy, Kevin, and I must say that Santiago had the best turkey,” said Raymond Holt. “Properly cooked. Properly seasoned.”

“Hah, suck it Charles!” sneered Amy.

“I pick Charles,” said Gina.

“Oh you would,” scoffed Amy. “Just like I knew you wouldn’t bring the flowers.”

“Get off my back, Amy, damn!” said Gina before grabbing her wine.

They all went around the table. It was close. Charles was ahead by two before they got to the last of the guests. Rosa picked Amy as did Jake’s mom, which rocked Charles because apparently he’d been trying to butter her up all night. The final vote came to Kevin and everyone looked at him expectantly. He sighed, finally relenting, placing his cutlery down before pondering his decision.

“I’m with Raymond. Amy had the better dish.”

“YES!” Amy cheered before standing up and starting her celebration dance.

“NOOOOOOOO!” shouted Charles at the same time, hands slamming on the table and rattling everything on it.

“Hey, can we get some pie now?” asked Scully.

“We saw the pies cooling on the counter and if you make us wait any longer we may just burn the place down,” said Hitchcock.

“This is the best Christmas ever,” said Rosa, laughing at Charles losing it once more when his pie was bypassed in favor of Vicki’s when he tried to say his pies would be better than hers—then losing tremendously.

.

.

.

Everyone was gone. Vicki was in the guest room getting ready for bed. Amy was putting the last of the dishes away when two arms wrapped around her middle. She smiled, hands settling over his as he hugged her tightly.

“Can I say this was probably the best Christmas I ever had. Meeting Victoria at the top of the list and then beating Charles in the Battle of Turkeys. Also, present decoys? Nioce.”

“I’m glad you’re happy,” she said turning in his embrace so that she could wrap her arms around him fully. “I’m sorry your dad didn’t show.”

“It’s okay. I’m used to it.”

“Hey-oh. Sorry,” said Vicki, who’d come into the kitchen. “I’ll come back.”

“No, no, we’re cool. What’s up?” asked Amy.

“Well I’m not quite tired yet since it’s only nine where I’m from. I was going to ask if you all wanted to watch a movie or something.”

“We… We could watch Die Hard,” said Jake almost breathlessly.

“Oh, yeah. That’d be good. I like that movie.” said Vicki. “Just let me take my contacts out!”

“Oh my God I love her,” said Jake as she left, making Amy laugh. He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers for a quick yet satisfying kiss. “I love you, Ames. Merry Christmas.”

“I love you, too. Merry Christmas.”

END

[just-my-fandom]

Death Awaits (Vanya Hargreeves x Reader)

Summary; When Vanya Hargreeves wife is put in a coma thanks to Hazel and Cha-Cha, the apocalypse arises. The other Hargreeve siblings must do all they can to stop the apocalypse, starting with making sure Y/N wakes up from her coma.

Request; Umbrella Academy Vanya story- where reader isn’t apart of the 43 children but she has powers, and she is with Vanya when Cha Cha and Hazel attack the manor, and she helps the others fight them off-her powers being able to control earth, and water, and air to where she can like cut off people’s breaths lmao fiesty- but Cha Cha gets a shot at the reader and Vanya has to watch the reader collapse with blood loss? Thanksss

Request 2; I know you said you haven’t watched Season 2 yet (Or even finished Season 1) but AH please write a story with Vanya where the reader somehow finds Vanya after they are thrown into the 1960s and Reader actually lands with Vanya and she’s scared Vanya won’t remember her?

Warning(s); Gunshots, fighting, near death, angst.

A/N; I finally finished the show! I had a lot of fun doing this story. It is EXTREMELY long. Sorry.

Another A/N; Leonard is JUST A FRIEND. Like, reader and Vanyas best friend kinda shit.

Date started; Demember 16, 2020

Date published; December 16, 2020

. . .

“Too high,”

Vanya grunts in slight irritation at your comment. Her hand slides up her violin to fix the miss-pitch of her note, eyes barely glancing at where you sat on her bed in the manor.

Your legs gently swayed, wearing black riding boots- acquaintanced with a checkered shirt you had bought not too long ago with dark jeans. Leaning on your knees, you watch as Vanya repeated her line of notes, smiling when the wrong note is now fixed,

A slight jerk of her hand causes Vanyas note to hit too low, her shoulders dropping in defeat as she huffs a breath, “It’s never right,”

“Not if you give up that easily,” You raise an eyebrow, your wife copying your motion, “Breathe, baby. You’ve got this. There’s no one else in the room but me,”

Vanya smiles, tilting her head down before raising her violin to her shoulder, starting from where she had first messed up.

A muffled gunshot directs your attention to the door, going unheard by your wife due to the music right against her ear, so when she sees your brows pinch and your body move to stand up, she stops to watch, “What is it?”

On cue, two more gunshots ring, louder, Vanya setting her violin down gently enough despite being in a rush, following after you with you already feet ahead,

You skid to a stop at the bottom of the stairway, two masked figures standing back to back with Luther on one side, Diego on the other, and Allison opposite of you,

“Stay back,” You demand to the woman behind you, Vanyas eyes shifting to the back of your head before she steps back, moving to the empty hall feet from her,

You move three steps forward before raising a hand, fingers curling as you watch the earth under you raise, the masked killers looking down when the ground cracks beneath their feet, both pushing away from each other to avoid being dropped into the earths crust, now raising their guns to you,

A gust of wind forces their guns into the air and behind them, free hand raising to throw off their masks, revealing one male, and one female,

Your fingers clench on your left hand to wrap an invisible field around the males neck, his hands instantly raising in reflex in an attempt to pry the false pressure off,

Before the woman could run back for her gun, a bubble of water wraps around her head, and the Hargreeves siblings are forced to watch her hold her breath in a panic,

“What do you want?” You hiss, moving closer to slightly drop the water from her mouth, allowing her to gasp in a choked breath,

“We just want the boy,” Cha-Cha spits, your eyes narrowing- Five. “And we’ll be on our merry way,”

“Well he’s not here,” You flick your hand to where Cha-Cha is thrown back into the wall, turning your attention to the male, Hazel. He has now turned blue due to his circulation for air being cut off, a slight smile in your face.

You drop your hand so Hazel dropped forward with his hands on his knees, gasps wheezed as he coughs and hacks for air. You lift both hands so walls of rocks came from the ground, pinning at his sides so he yelled in pain at the pressure of his body.

Then you feel it. Vanya sees it. They all see it. Your powers screech to a halt when the bullet pierces the front of your shoulder, the bolders dropping to release Hazel to collapse, your eyes widening when you see Cha-Cha lower her used gun.

Diego is first to lunge forward, catching the top half of your body before you could fully collapse, your vision already falling black before Vanya could make it to your side,

“Y/N!” Vanyas voice is high pitched, breathy, in alert, “Oh my God,”

“Get Grace,” Luther demands, jabbing his finger to Allison, who stood in high alert,

“Now!” Diego and Vanya shout, Vanya pulling off her button up so she was left in her sweater, pressing the button up to where your white and black shirt was already stained dark red,

Vanya forces herself to look up to your face, eyes shut and skin pale, Diego’s finger pressing to your neck in search for a pulse,

“We can’t wait for Grace,” He hisses, moving to lift you off the debris littered floor, Vanya following, staring at the blood that stained the ends of her sleeves,

She’s quick to follow after her brother, the robot she called her mother calmly waving Diego into the medical room that had been used too many times, Diego lowering your body into the table so Grace cut the front of your shirt, revealing the bullet wound that Vanya forced herself to look away from,

“Pogo,” Grace calls, softly, pulling on gloves as she glanced to the ape, “Please escort the children out,”

“Wait,” Vanya pleas, brows pinched as she steps up to the table, but Diego is swift to catch her at her front, leading her backwards to the door Luther and Allison stood, “I need to be with her,”

“Grace has excellent medical experience. Miss Y/N is in great hands,” Pogo reassures, Vanyas eyes snapping up to your face, before she allows the door to shut, her chest tight with fear.

. . .

“I always knew your family having powers was weird,” Leonard lowers his steaming cup from his lips, frowning, “But now it’s just scary,”

“I know,” Vanya murmurs, stirring her cup mindlessly, “Y/N was just trying to protect my family,”

“How-,” Leonard clears his throat, “How is she? By the way,”

“She’s resting. At home. She hasn’t woken up yet,” Vanya shuts her eyes, pressing her hands to her eyelids, “My tryouts for the front chair is this afternoon. I don’t know if I can do it,”

“Dont do that,” Leonard shakes his head, Vanya lowering her hands to pinch her brows, “Dont put yourself down because Y/N isn’t physically here. Just,” Leonard pauses, hand waving in thought, “Is there anything that Y/Ns ever said that just- stuck to you?”

“Breathe, baby. You’ve got this. There’s no one else in the room but me,”

Vanya smiles, nodding, slowly, “Yeah. Just this one thing. It’s always been a constant reminder she gives me when I’m rehearsing. No one else but her is in the room. Even when someone else really is in the room,”

“See?” Leonard chuckles, sipping the last bit of his coffee, “Y/N gives off that effect to make you believe what she says. She knows it’s a sense of comfort for you,”

“She’s always been good at that,” Vanya murmurs, watching Leonard set down his mug and nudge her arm, standing up,

“C’mon. I’ll walk you home. We can get your apartment nice and cozy for when Y/N gets back,”

. . .

“What is your name again?”

Vanya regrets it. She regrets everything. Coming to this audition, letting you nearly give your life for her family. She regrets it.

“Vanya,” She cant stop how low her voice is, but the conductors booming, louder, please, demands her to state, “Vanya Hargreeves,” Four notes higher.

“Right,” The conductor clicks his tongue, looking up at Vanya on the stage which makes her want to run off, “Well?”

“Breathe, baby,” Vanya nearly hears you say, as she lifts her violin to her shoulder, “You’ve got this,” She raises her bow, “There’s no one else in the room but me,” And plays,

She finishes her last note with a pause, terrified of opening her eyes, but when she does and sees the conductor staring at her in awe, she can’t help the breath she lets out, head tilting back with a smile of relief.

She had gotten the front chair.

. . .

A short gasp enters your lips. Whining out in pain, you force your head to the side. Home. How did you get here? The academy-

You sit up, shortly, crying out at the sting of pain it caused to your shoulder, eyes pinching shut before you raise your head, looking around.

“Three new voice messages,” The voicebox of your phone startles you to cover your face, heaving out an exhausted breath, “Hey, Y/N. Just checking on you in case you wake up and I’m not home,” Vanyas voice speaks, your head raising. “I’m currently at rehearsal, on March 29th, about four in the afternoon. I love you. Call the Academy or the theater if I’m not home,”

“Y/N, it’s Allison. I haven’t heard from you, not sure if you had woken up. But if you have, please call me back. Vanyas went missing. I think she’s with Leonard,”

“Leonard?” You push off the bed, stumbling into the kitchen. You lean against the wall beside the phone, running a hand down your face. Vanyas keys were gone. As was her violin,

“Hey, Y/N?” Diego’s voice comes next, “You remember that apocalypse? Yeah. Vanyas the cause. Get your shit together and meet us at the theater the night of the concert. We need you,”

Your eyes widen, flickering around for your shoes before you grab your keys, moving out the door with a shaky hand on the door, “That’s tonight,”

. . .

“What the hells going on?” Your voice startles four of the Hargreeve siblings to turn around, all watching you rub your patched shoulder,

“Y/N!” Klaus cheers, arms up, “Youre awake!”

“Vanya has powers,” Luther hisses, your eyes flicking to him, “She’s out of control, starting with slicing Allison’s neck,” He jabs a finger to said woman, where you see a patch at her neck,

“Why are we here?” You exhale, Diego stepping up,

“The apocalypse starts today. And you had hell of fucking timing waking up. You’re going to be our distraction,”

“Distraction, how?” You demand, Allison holding up her finger before jotting down words on her notepad,

She’s been scared you wouldn’t wake up. She may calm if she sees you.

“What triggered them?”

“Leonard?” Diego questions, “Yeah. He manipulated her for her powers. Good thing he’s dead now, huh?”

“Leonard’s dead?” You hiss, Luther shaking his head at you,

“We don’t have time. You need to go. Vanya needs to see you,”

You nod, shaking your arms out and wincing at the pull it gave your shoulder, moving forward to the entrance to the audience.

Your footsteps remain slow as you move down the walkway, eyes firm on Vanyas seated figure at the front of the stage. Her eyes remained a bright blue- nearly white, on her paper.

Her eyes flick up at the sight of movement, meeting your own so you stop your footsteps, smiling tearfully at where she sat. Her lips pull into her own smile, pausing slightly,

“There’s no one else in the room but me,”

Her hand is quick to catch up to her song, your feet moving back down the walkway, screeching to another halt when her head snaps to the side, in time for Diego and Luther to rush out onto the stage,

You watch in alarm as she stands up, a wave of blue thrown off her bow so Diego and Luther are knocked off the stage, the audience around you shrieking in fear and running off in large groups,

“Vanya!” You call, over the panicked shouts of the men and women around you, moving up to the stage, “Baby! I’m here!”

Her glowing eyes force themselves to look down at you, waving her bow so the musicians behind her sat back down, her jaw clenching,

“Y/N, get down!” A rough tug on your injured arm causes you to cry out, Vanyas eyes opening to see Diego pull you behind a row of seats, your back falling against his chest with a short gasp, your hand pressing to your shoulder,

“I need to get to her!” You heave, looking across the walkway to Luther and Allison, “She’ll listen to me!”

Allison shakes her head, gesturing to her own arm. “Screw the gunshot wound,” You hiss, Diego’s attempt to catch your arm when you stand up failing, where you stand in the middle of the walkway,

Luther and his siblings are quick to surround you, “Here’s how it goes!” Luther starts, “We go at her from all angles,”

“I call front,” You state, moving around him to jump onto the stage, stopping feet from your wife, “Vanya!” You plea, hand up as she continued to play, her suit now white, “Baby- it’s me! I’m okay!”

Her eyes don’t leave yours as you take another step forward, before she raises her bow, your body quick to drop before the wave of blue could hit you, the four boys behind you lifted into the air, her power quick to suck the life from their bodies,

You look up in a panic, pushing to stand up in a rush, crying out when a gunshot rings through, dropping the four brothers to the ground. Your arms jolt out to catch Vanyas fallen figure, your shoulder screaming in pain as you lower yourself to your knees, Vanyas head rested in your lap,

“Vanya!” You cry, hand running down her hair as your free pressed to her neck, “No! No, baby-,”

Your sob cuts short when feeling her pulse and no blood, looking up at Allison behind you with a false gun in her hand. “You didn’t shoot her,” You choke out, looking back down to the woman in your hands, “Oh, my god,”

You lean down, lips pressing to Vanyas forehead, sniffling as you clutched her hand in yours on her chest, “I’ve got you, sweetheart. You’re okay,”

“We did it,” Luther heaves, Klaus moving to point at the window in the ceiling,

“Then what’s with the giant moon rock flying towards earth?”

You look up, eyes blurred with tears, sniffling as you look back down to your wife, fingers tucking her hair away from her eyes.

“So much for saving the world,” Klaus mumbles, your head leaning against Vanyas as your eyes shut, hiccuping.

“This doesn’t have to be the end,” Five rushes, moving next to you and Allison knelt by you, “I have a way out of here. I just need you to trust me,”

“Five,” You call, now looking at him, “I trust you,”

You feel your body lift off the stage, Vanyas body leaving your arms so you flailed in mid air, yelping when you are dropped onto the concrete just seconds later

Dallas, Texas, 1963

“Shit,” You whisper, looking up at where the blue vortex vanished, “Shit. Shit! Vanya!”

“Miss?” You look over, to a blonde woman standing with her son, panic on her face, “I have a woman saying her names Vanya. Might she be who you’re looking for?”

“Oh my gosh,” You mutter, nodding as you push off the floor and follow her to her car, where you see two bystanders helping Vanya off the floor, “Hey! Vanya, are you okay?”

“I think so,” She murmurs, taking your arms as she stands, her eyes flicking to your patched chest, “What happened to you?”

“You don’t remember?” You whisper, brows furrowed, your hand sliding to her cheek. You turn to face the woman from before, “Ma’am, do you have somewhere we can go? She needs to be checked up on,”

“Did I cause it?” The woman, Sissy, panics, moving up to you, “I didn’t see her, I swear,”

“It’s okay,” You breathe, and look back to Vanya, your eyes teary, “You’re okay,”

She nods, warily, letting Sissy move you to her car.

. . .

“I’m sorry, I still don’t understand,” Vanya exhales, leaning forward on the couch you both sat on in Sissy’s house, “We’re married?”

“Yes,” You nod, licking your lips in fear, “Is that okay? We- we don’t have to,” You pull your hand from where you reached for her own, Vanya shaking her head as she takes your hand, tightly,

“No- I mean- yes, it’s okay,” She smiles, your own lips pulling upwards, tiredly. You lean forward, allowing your forehead to knock hers.

“You two look like you’ve had a long day,” Sissy speaks up, handing you a cup of (favorite/warm/drink), “I only have one guest bedroom,”

“I can take the couch,” You heave, reassuringly, Vanyas brows pinching as she tugs at your hand,

“We can share, Y/N,”

“You barely remember me,” You murmur, clenching your jaw and laughing, tearily, “Why would you want to sleep with a woman who you don’t know?”

“I may not know you but I trust you,” Vanya states, raising your hand and hers to show the rings you had, “You say we’re married. I will keep trying to regain my memories as long as I can to remember our wedding day,”

Your eyes flick up to hers, smiling, weakly, with a nod, sniffling as tears began to refill your eyes. Your hand raises to wipes your cheek, Vanyas smile dropping in worry as her hand touches your jaw, directing your attention to her, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” You whisper, shaking your head, “It’s just been a very long day,”

You suck in a deep breath and sniff, looking up at Sissy who smiled, sympathetically, “Do you kind if I borrow your shower? And maybe some help rewrapping this?” You lift your bandaged shoulder, Vanyas hand falling from your face to her lap as Sissy nods, gesturing you to follow her down the hall.

You run a hand through your damp hair, silently shutting the bedroom door behind you,

Your eyes shift to Vanya on the bed, resting in a pair of Sissy’s clothing, same as you, “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” You move to the bed, Vanya looking up at you- finally seeing the exhaustion in your eyes. What had happened to you today?

“Of course,” Your wife murmurs, extending her hand for you to take so you slide underneath the covers,

“I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” You whisper, now on your side to face her, “You don’t even know me,”

“But I feel like I do,” Vanya corrects, watching as the tear in your eye slipped from the corner and down your nose, “I’m trying to understand, but I can’t do that without you,”

Your lips purse to stop the sob in your throat, hand raising to cover your pinched eyes. “Hey,” Vanya panics, shaking her head as she slides her hand to the back of your head, guiding you to rest against her chest, “No no, please don’t cry. I’m sorry,”

You let your arm slide to her backside, tightly, hiccuping against the skin of her collarbone, “No, I’m sorry. I’m so emotional and tired, and I want things to go back to normal,”

“I know,” Vanya brushes her lips against your hair, her free hand dragging her nails soothingly across your upper back, “We don’t have to talk about it anymore. What do you want me to do?”

A pause, “Just hold me,” You whisper, leaning your head back to look at her, “Please,”

Vanya nods, quickly, her eyes flicking to your lips before she looks back up to your eyes, your body pushing forward to force your lips against hers.

Vanya exhales sharply against your mouth, her fingers tightening in your hair as you peck her lips, once, twice, barely pulling away so you still felt her breath on your skin,

“I love you, Vanya. I wish I could’ve helped you,”

Vanyas brows pinch, wanting to question what you had meant, but she only finds herself pulling you back in, allowing her lips to recollide with your own, slow against the darkness of the bedroom.

[annak47hq]

when in london ‘ meryl & anna

Who: Anna Kendrick and Meryl Streep @mezstreep

What: Meryl invited Adam and Anna to the premiere of Mary Poppins Returns, and once arriving in London Meryl meets Dusty while Anna and Meryl start to get  ready. The two friends catch up.

Where: London, England    

When: Wednesday, December 12th 2018 

Trigger Warnings: none 

Anna: Anna was excited when Meryl had invited not only her but Adam to London to see the premier of Mary Poppins Returns! which was a film she was quiet eager to watch and see how it turned out. When arriving in London, she knew she had to get ready right away since the primere was that afternoon and to say Anna was exhuasted was an understatement. Downing her coffee, Anna’s and Adam’s room was right across from Meryl’s and the women opened the door, handing Dusty over to her babysitter Cait, kissing the two year olds cheeks. Knocking on Meryl’s door, the women opened it and walked in “Meryl.”

Meryl: Meryl was always a mess when she had to dress up and get a lot of attention from media and fans but she had to do it for love to her work and her co workers who always wanted her around. She skipped the premiere in Los Angeles and Paris but she wouldn’t miss the biggest one in London and it was more special because dear friends like Anna, Adam and more would accompanied her which made her so excited. The day of the premiere she was in her room finishing her makeup in hands of her stylist, her dear friend Roy when she heard the door “i’ll open it” she said excitedly and ran to find her friend’s face “oh my God! Hi!! You brought company!” She said happily “come in girls!”

Anna: She knew how Meryl felt about being in the spotlight, and how she didn’t like going to premieres all that much so the brunette didn’t hesitate when the older women invited her and Adam to come along and be there with her. As Dusty was reaching her arms out for Anna, the actress took the two year old in her arms and held her on her hip. “Hi. How much more time do we have to get ready? Clearly I’m not ready at all.” Walking into Meryl’s room with Dusty, she noticed the toddler was clutching onto Anna. “You look hot.” Anna smiled

Meryl: Meryl put her hands in her mouth dramatically as she watched the scene between Anna and Dusty and she smiled brightly “look at you being a step mom. So good at it” the blonde said closing the door behind her “she is gorgeous! Hi sweetheart” Meryl was always good with kids and she loved them. Lately she had been spending time with Cate’s kids and it was so fun, especially with the three years old, Edith. “Hi sweetie” Meryl talked to Dusty tenderly and then realized that Anna had asked something. She looked at her watch and smiled “50 minutes” she said and rolled her eyes “lies! My original dress never arrived so I had to get his at last minute!. What are you wearing? Do you need Roy for makeup and hair? I only share him with with you” she joked

Anna: Anna laughed nervously and then shook her head “Oh no, Dusty isnt going to be calling me step mom. I don’t know what she’s going to be calling me, but for right now it’s just Anna.” The brunette smiled softly, and then looked at the toddler who was slowly starting to fall asleep in her arms “Right little bug? ” She questioned Dusty, and then kissed her forehead “Can you say hi to Meryl? That’s Meryl. She’s /very/ famous. ” As Dusty turned into Ann’s chest, the brunette handed her over to Cait and the younger women took the toddler out of the room and Anna turned to face Meryl “Wait what, your dress never came?” She snapped her head and then nodded “Yes please if he doesn’t mind because I’m an idiot and didn’t tell my team I was going to this premiere.” Taking a breath, Anna looks down “She’s cute isn’t she? Everyone says Dusty looks like Behati which she does, but I see a lot of Adam but I might be a bit biased”

Meryl: “Yeah, the stepmom name doesn’t fit you at all” Meryl said folding her arms and raising her eyebrow cutely and smiling at the little girl “She is so cute,” She said honestly and touched her chubby cheek “She is lying. I am not very famous” she mimicked and laughed “your dad is more famous” she chuckled and kissed her forehead softly before step back and nodding while Roy approached to greet the younger woman. “Yeah, but that’s fine. I am wearing something more appropriate for this weather” she admitted “Eliee Sab never fails me” she said sitting on one of the chairs and giving Anna the seat in front of the vanity so Roy could stay with her makeup while Meryl put on some pale pink lipstick “I don’t know Behati but I think she has a lot from him too. She is adorable. How was your flight, is she an easy traveler? I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to come at the end” Meryl confessed. “Cate is not coming so I need extra support to deal with this craziness” she said with a smile and put her mirror down

Anna: “Nope, not at all.” Anna laughed a little, and then chewed her lips watching Meryl interact with Dusty. It still surprised her that Meryl actually wanted to talk, let alone be in Anna’s life at all after Into The Woods. “Daddy is a rock star, but Meryl is an Oscar winner. Those are two different types of famous D.” She tried explaining to the two year old, seeing that Dusty’s eyes were closing. As Roy approached Anna, she gave him a hug and sat down in a chair after Cait took Dusty back to their room. “I don’t even know what I’m wearing yet, I just packed a bunch of dresses. I wasn’t going to go all out, since I don’t have my team here.” Anna said, then shrugged her shoulders “Only my agent and publicist. I didn’t think this through.” The brunette laughed but then looked at Meryl “It was good, D slept most of the way but she’s still exhuasted. Behati is a Victoria Secret Model, so it was bound for Dusty to be perfect.” Anna looked at the older women “How are you two doing, by the way? ” She questioned, and then took a sip of the water bottle that was on the table next to her.

Meryl: Meryl laughed and shurgged ¨Thats what they say, Mr Oscar is such a prestigius guy¨Meryl answered and waved at the little girl and the nanny who left the room and Meryl could get all her attention to her friend again while Roy had started to work on the brunette´s hair. Thanks to her presence, Meryl had started to relax and she was not anxious about the red carpet, at least not as much as she was earlier “dont worry about it. Roy can take control of everything” Meryl said with a smile and wink to her friend who had worked with her for 35 years. “I am glad you could make it and I bet she is exhausted and jet lag would be a shitty thing for the kid” she warned her friend “Oh yes, I’ve heard she is a model but i don’t know which of all the models she is” she confessed and giggled “Who?” Meryl asked looking up at Anna “Cate and I?” She said, mentioning Cate’s name made her sigh and made a pause while she looked down, “I miss her so badly, I was hoping we could spend some time together while I am here but some things got in the middle and she is sorry for not being around but I hope it can happen soon…for now Louisa and Mamie are with me so that’s a good thing. My girls need some time with her mother even if they are acting like teenagers, arguing all the time” she said with a smile. “I don’t know if this is a phase for the divorce or because I am dating someone new but they are getting so weird lately, especially Mamie” she confessed and laughed “I am glad they are grown-ups otherwise maybe I would be worried as fuck” she confessed and laughed “you will see them later, Louisa will be excited to see you, you are still her favorite one” she grinned. 

&FINISHED