#emotionalblunting

[emotionalblunting]

It's only a matter of time before the "self-sabotaging" part of me takes over the part of me that wants to enjoy every bit of happiness I can take.

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Searching for Komorebi* Part 1 - Uncomfortably Numb I will be releasing my blog in two parts over the next couple of days. It is about my journey over the past 6 weeks; PMDD, fighting with medication based emotional blunting, taking control, getting back to nature, retreating at the retreat and coming out of my year long hibernation fighting. It's not all pretty, but it is real. 6 weeks ago

Have you ever looked at something you normally love, and felt nothing at all? Nothing. No feelings of happiness, joy, sadness, anger, frustration just nothingness. People who know me well, know that I am often tripping over because I am always staring/ taking photos at the sky or into the trees. I love looking at the way the sunlight catches in the leaves, the gnarled branches looking like skeleton hands reaching into a moody sky, a bird, a cloud formation, vapour trails, the moon and stars.

But one day that joy disappeared. I went to bed, and the next morning I woke up feeling l like I had been pinned to my mattress - like a semi-conscious butterfly in a display case. My brain was not working and I didn’t know what to do. But it was more than that. It was like, I didn’t even know what it was that I should be feeling or doing. The word I can only use to describe it, is that I flatlined. I was very tired so I just went back to sleep. Later, in the day, I forced myself up and I looked out of my window, at my beloved wisha washa tree and I felt absolutely nothing. I actually thought I might be dead and I could not even cry, so I pinched myself hard. Nope I was there, but not in a way I was used to.

This was not completely out of the blue. I had started new antidepressant medication for PMDD, and on the starter dose I had been doing ok, but this feeling was the day after the planned increase and now I have found out it is called emotional blunting.

I was told to keep going on the dose by the doctors, so I did as I was told. Apparently, I was going to hit a sweet spot at 6 weeks and that was going to be magic. For two weeks, I literally found no joy in anything at all. When I managed to get out of bed, I barely looked after myself, all my spiritual practices stopped, my Peloton got dusty, I came off all social media, I stopped talking to anyone except my mum and all I did was exist. When I was concerned with my progress, I spoke with the doctor and mental health team, who continued to say to persevere. They asked me the difficult, but normal question, about whether I had, had thoughts of hurting myself. I honestly answered, no - but I did wish I no longer existed or something outside my control could happen like a massive heart attack, or accident not involving anyone else - I would not mind disappearing. But I could not do it myself, in all honesty I didn't have the energy or the inclination to do that. Again, I just existed and stared into the distance, at nothing in particular not even wondering what the future was, because there didn't feel like there was a future - just a marking of time. The weirdest and most uncomfortable part, as I progressed with the medication, was that I felt like I was no longer in my body. I felt like a glitch and I was a 0.75 of an inch (yes it was that exact in my weird mind) slightly to the left. So I was never quite in alignment with my mind and my physical body, looking back at that feeling it feels like something out of a Cronenberg film, which kind of makes me laugh. Thankfully, I had an appointment with my counsellor and I have always made a pact with myself that I would drag myself to that appointment no matter what. So off I went and of course, she immediately got it. We discussed and she engaged me in a controversial discussion, just a chat about a topic which requires an opinion not anything about my condition or me (now I realise it was a counselling technique - she is clever) This brought me into my body and I found my words and my voice again. I was still around. I still had a brain. Thank goodness, it was just hidden in a sea of anti-depressant fog. I am forever grateful for that amazing warrior woman who has been beside me through all of this.

I went home and did a Moon Space and meditated, as best as I could, and I kept getting the same message 'I need to take control' - something was not right. So the next day, I went down to the smaller dose. I would rather feel everything than nothing. I did not want to just exist.

Gradually, I started to feel like my old self, I opened the curtains one day and the wisha washa tree had sunlight streaming through his branches, I heard a blackbird sing and it made me smile, I put my nose into my dogs big furry head and he smelt perfect - like home and the sea felt like magic again. I was lucky that as I started to feel better, I had a holiday booked to Aberdeenshire to be around my family. They were all incredible, and the land there is astonishing - the grasses moving in the wind, the fierce north sea, the abandoned castles and villages in the dunes and the landscape all brought me so much joy. So I rested, hugged my mum tight, went late night beach mooching with my brother, laughed with my sister-in-law, talked football and music with Sam and spent silly fun time with my favourite person in the world, my niece Elsie - she is pure sunshine. I came home exhausted, as I had gone from practical reclusion and silence to being around a house full of people, shouting and laughing, No matter what company I am in, I always feel like I have to be 'on' the whole time, but I didn't mind, because I was surrounded by love. I avoided questions about the future, jobs, life stuff but I was there and I was genuinely happy. So here I was back at home again, and I had to get used to being on my own again, in a bit of a strange head space. In a bizarre moment, the day after coming home, I took myself out for the afternoon and got drunk on my own. Looking back, I think I was just desperate to feel something. Although, I know that is more of a Dad Galunacy way of dealing with things, and after a hard stare at myself in the mirror the next day, and a chat, I don't intend on doing that again. I certainly do not want to become the lush at the end of a bar spouting bizarre stuff at anyone who will listen. So no... I decided to turn my head into the planning of attending my first ever retreat which was going to start in a couple of days. Something, I had carefully put to the back of my mind, to avoid the inevitable binge think and try to talk myself out of it. I made route plans, a playlist, booked a hotel and played a lot of Catan (because I am a mega gamer nerd and proud of it). I was doing more than existing, I had found some sort of spark of joy but I still felt uncomfortably numb... Tomorrow I will release the second part about the Resonant Lands Retreat. *Komorebi means “sunlight leaking through trees,” this word describes the beauty and wonder of rays of light dappling through overhead leaves, casting dancing shadows on the forest floor

[lost-inthe-void]

-On being emotionally blunt;

It’s a blessing and a curse to not feeling anything. I’m numb & empty; I can not feel a thing, and I do not want to feel a thing. I don’t know how it happened, it just did. I don’t know if I let it happen or it just happened. Maybe it happened because it’s saving me from vast pain, pain that’s probably unbearable, the type of pain I’ve been feeling my whole life, but all at once. Or maybe it’s just a “prepare yourself for the outburst” kind of numb. I’ve always wondered if it’s better to feel nothing than feel everything. But in the midst of all this, I’ve fathomed that they’re both presumably just as worse. Because even in not feeling anything, there is a nemesis. I’m numb & empty, but I am perhaps worried. Worried about everything I’ll feel again once this phase is over. Worried about who I become and how I will deal with it. But even in that, I can’t seem to identify with a feeling or an emotion. They’re unambiguous, unambiguously just wondering worry..............................................................................................:....................You spend so much time wanting the pain to stop, wishing that you don’t feel it, that you can’t feel it. Until you don’t. Until you go numb. But the thing about not feeling anything, about being numb, about switching off, about emotional blunting, is that you don’t even feel the good stuff. Which is coherent, because the only way a person knows how something feels, whether it be good or bad, is by enduring both, either separately, or simultaneously. You can only know that something feels bad because it doesn’t feel good. And that something feels good because it doesn’t feel bad. Or that something feels good but also bad; bittersweet. But there is also not feeling anything, and in not feeling anything, there isn’t that glimpse of hope, not even slightly. & I don’t know how to feel about that, because I can’t feel. I can’t comprehend. Or maybe it’s just the medication..idk, idk anything anymore.....

[cmm-illustration]

New #editorialillustration about regaining emotions after coming off #antidepressants 
This piece is mocked up with an article from @bustle 
#emotionalblunting #illustration #australianillustrators 
https://www.instagram.com/p/CEdL_x9Hkpc/?igshid=l31bwedl78jq

[pseudo-void]

8, 11, 19, 22 !!

thank you for these!!! ✿ ♥——————————

8: what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

Oh, gee… Eh, honestly I don’t feel connected to musical artists?

11: describe your ideal day.

waking up early, put on nice clothes and do my hair real cute, head out for a frappuccino at starbucks with my girl and talk about roleplay (◡‿◡✿) (then ending the day with a warm shower and some girlfriend material ups)

19: pick one of your favorite quotes.

‘’Abair do phaidreacha, agus codladh sámh’’ I’ve seen a couple of various spellings on this one, but it’s irish and means ‘’say your prayers and sleep well’’ and i heard it in the movie on the edge, with cillian murphy in the lead role. it’s a real good movie y’all should watch

22: list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

wow

roleplaying (GS)

snuggling with cuties (girlfriend)

???

???

???

[emotionalblunting]

9/12/23

If you're not expressing it - you're repressing it.

And we all know that doesn't do you any good...

[emotionalblunting]

it’s really scary to think about ever being intimate and vulnerable with someone again. 

At this point, it even feels unrealistic.

I don’t know how to think otherwise. 

[emotionalblunting]

Feels like the universe is giving me a bunch of signs right now and I don't know how to take ANY of it.

[emotionalblunting]

When you really have it good - it's crazy to realize that you've been tolerating the wrong kind of "love"

[emotionalblunting]

Fuck.

I want to be worshipped

I want to be loved to the point where I don't even have to be reassured.

I want to be able to trust without having the fear of being betrayed.

I want to be showered with care and attention by someone who feels the same about me.

I want reciprocated energy, not half-assed effort.

I don't want to be made a fucking fool, for once.

I've learned my worth and I don't want to settle for less.

I want to be chosen endlessly

because I deserve it.

[emotionalblunting]

I certainly do not appreciate being lied to.

[emotionalblunting]

Are we truly meant to be....or are you just another lesson?

[emotionalblunting]

I wish I could just remove the part of my brain that still thinks about you. 

Get out of my fucking head already. 

You don’t deserve to be on my mind. 

[emotionalblunting]

All I ask is that you don't make me look like a fucking fool.

[emotionalblunting]

I’m dying from lack of physical touch.

I’m craving intimacy - I want to be close with another person again. 

Yet, the thought of even trying to communicate with another human being, is straight up terrifying.

Even the thought of “starting over” with someone new... already exhausts me.  

At this point, I can’t even picture that for myself. 

How is anything supposed to work if you’re the one that’s constantly left broken?

[emotionalblunting]

10/22/23 11:07 pm

I'm so used to the disappointment...I can't even image what it would be like to actually be chosen by someone.