#even when I dress masculine I get misgendered I’m tired

[pokegyns]

the way that baeddelism & antitransmasculinity permeates & slips through every corner of the trans community and nobody does anything about it because transfems are this Protected UwU Baby Girls™ is actually so sickening. i’m tired of seeing literal baeddels getting away with saying shit like “men are oppressive. but by men we do not mean just cis males we mean trans men too! they are also men!” like. “validating” my gender identity only to dehumanize me & throw “tme” at me in a demeaning manner is not progressive at all. i am not “privileged” for being transmasc & i am not violent or abusive or powerful or capable of systemically harming trans women. i am not simply oppressed on the basis of being trans, i am quite literally, quite factually oppressed for being a trans man– i am oppressed for being a person of the female sex, and doubly so for being a person of the female sex who misaligns with cisheteropatriarchal ideals & inherently goes against what the cisheteropatriarchy has set upon me. i was punished & shamed for being gnc during my childhood, for being gnc in the way that female people are gnc. i wasn’t seen as a feminine boy, i was seen as a masculine girl, and i lived the childhood of a masculine girl. i went through all the hardships cis girls did, and i also experienced a subset of misogyny that specifically targets masculine & gnc girls– antitransmasculinity. i was punished for not fitting in with the cishet norms, for being autistic & not understanding gender roles, for not liking boys, for being the “strange odd girl”…

when i learned what dysphoria was & began identifying as trans, i did not suddenly gain male privilege overnight. saying that transmascs are a category of marginalized men might seem like a harmless statement, but it is often used for erasure & furthering transmasc invisibility, violent invisibility. it might “gender us properly”, but saying we are a category of marginalized men often fails to fully encompass the factual reality that we aren’t seen as men. we aren’t marginalized just for being trans, we are marginalized for being female & for being transmasc. our oppression more aligns with the way that lesbians, especially gnc ones, are oppressed, than it does with the way that any other category of marginalized men are oppressed.

telling transmascs that we “need to make sure everyone else around us is comfortable” & that we “should pander to the women around us” literally reeks of this specific type of misogyny that targets us. the way that the trans community tends to treat us as “just queer men” & quite literally erase the fact that we are trans, is rooted in deep misunderstandings of lesbophobia, antitransmasculinity, misogyny & gncphobia. when we are punished for being gnc during our childhoods, we aren’t punished for wearing dresses & liking make-up– we are punished for not doing that. when we are punished for not being opposite-sex attracted (i know not all transmascs are same-sex attracted, it’s just that a lot of trans people in general do tend to be ssa), we aren’t punished for liking boys/men, we are punished for liking girls/women. in what world are regular men punished for liking women? in what world are regular men punished for not being feminine? antitransmasculinity in the trans community either malgenders us & paints us just as capable of perpetrating misogyny as cis men are (even when we aren’t even out, apparently it’s ingrained in us– does that smell of gender essentialism???), or it straight up attacks us on the basis of our observed sex without even trying to hide it– see “afab privilege”, “theyfab”, “tme” (not necessarily inherently bad, but the way in which it is used is bad), “trans guys need to be subservient & quiet”, literal fetish accounts made by transfems who openly misgender us & talk about “detransition kink”… it all goes back to the good ol’ “shut up and let the smart people speak”.

this is not the way that normie men, even normie marginalized men, are treated. the crowd that malgenders us & expects us to be okay with their little “kam includes trans men!”, “all men are bad! including trans men!”, “trans men’s gender identity harms trans women!” comments because they’re “affirming” us… no. shut up. i do not care about being “affirmed” if the way you are “affirming” me is dehumanizing. transmascs do not have the systemic power to oppress neither cis, nor trans women.

the baeddel belief system, that misogyny is born out of transmisogyny (& not the other way around, at the very least), is also so fucking wild and insane. transfems refusing to accept that they’ve generally been male socialized & that they were punished for being gnc in the way that they misaligned with the cisheteropatriarchal ideals for being seen as feminine boys & not for being seen as masculine girls is one thing– dysphoria can take a massive toll on your beliefs, and i get being uncomfortable with the whole gender socialization theory (although it is legitimate, even if some people do use it maliciously), but it is another thing to firmly claim you weren’t under any circumstance ever treated as a boy at one point (then are you denying transphobia exists?? what???), but at the same time, transmascs absolutely were socialized female & we have this nonexistent “afab privilege”, BUT we’re also evil men who hate & oppress women of all sorts. but god forbid we ever enter women’s spaces or connect with women in any way, especially not with lesbians. we have no right to those spaces, and we are “invading” women’s spaces even if we do not pass– but non-passing trans women who are literally hypermasc & would look like the average normie guy if people didn’t know their gender identity (i’m not talking about masc passing transfems, transfems def can both pass as women & be masc) are free to call themselves lesbians & enter women’s spaces, and we are evil and bigoted if we say that’s dumb as fuck. we cannot ever connect with lesbians or, i apologize for the heresy, do the vilest sin humanity has ever seen & even call ourselves lesbians. we are hurting lesbians! we are totally capable of harming cis lesbians, because we totally yield systemic power over them, even if we do not pass at all. the trans woman whose lesbianism is fully dependent on her inner identity is more free to enter lesbian spaces & her lesbianism is more valid than mine, a visibly gnc transmasc butch’s who-is-not-out-as-trans. the trans woman who didn’t even experience transmisogyny growing up & wasn’t ever even gnc at any point in her life, is somehow more valid to call herself a lesbian, than i, a person whose childhood was practically made of antitransmasculinity & lesbophobia, am.

baeddel ideology is inconsistent. they either use radfem talking points but flip them all the way around & turn them upside down, so trans men are now as evil and abusive as cis men & oppressive to both cis & trans women & the entire reality of us being assigned female is erased, or they straight up attack us based on the very fact that we are assigned female & treat us as if we are not Truly Trans. either way, we are never acknowledged as trans. the former sees us as “just guys” (but keep in mind that crowd never uplifts us & babies us in the way they do to cis men, so again we aren’t even really seen as guys), and the latter sees us as “stupid theyfab ftms tmes” “who aren’t really trans”. in simple words, the former sees us as cis guys undeserving of male privilege (but still claiming we somehow have it), and the latter sees us as cis girls undeserving of cis privilege. baeddelism was designed to harm transmascs, and while it can also do harm to cis women (with the whole misogyny part of it), it specifically harms transmascs & even just gnc cis women. it deeply hurts me when i realize that these sort of people are out there dating trans men & transmascs. some of them even actually do the next step & start with physical abuse. it makes me so incredibly sad. i will never shut up about antitransmasculinity, no matter what.

– mod zoroark

[imagineanime2022]

It's A Promise

Asmodeus X FTM!Reader

Word Count: 772

Requested: @your-next-daydream @tiddyanon-official

Request: Hello darling!!! Me again! I have a bit of an odd request but I'll do my best to word it. May I have Asmodeus from obey me with an insecure reader? Here's the context. Reader plays otome games as well because it's fun, none of us can lie they are fun. And reader will see the characters they interact with and see how perfect they are compared to them and will just get in their head about how they don't look good at all. I do this unfortunately it's more of a bodily dysphoria with the fact that I am trans (ftm) and I also don't particularly like myself. But you don't have to write all of that. I also hope you aren't getting tired of obey me…the fandom has seem to found your page quite well. Anyway thank you for reading I hope you are doing well in your studies! <3 AND Obey me with a closeted FTM reader that looks like a masculine Lilith? And one day, they're hanging out with one of the brothers, and they accidentally call him "sister." And at first the brother's just upset because they're reminded of their youngest sister's passing, but then they're surprised as MC just bursts into sobs at the (ACCIDENTAL) misgendering.

Warning: Accidental Misgendering, Insecurity, Slight body dysphoria

You had been coming to terms with who you were and what you wanted for yourself before you were teleported to Devildom. The demons there helped somewhat because of the fact that there was very rarely a gender normal for them. You found yourself growing closer to Asmo for that very reason, you felt that he was less likely to judge you should he ever find out about your gender identity. Levi was the other brother that you had found yourself growing closer to due to your interest in otome games.

That being said you were still hiding your transgender status and with no support system things started to get the better of you, you’d often found yourself focusing on problems that others may not have even noticed and in most cases don’t notice. Like most things these observations mounted until you couldn’t ignore it when you walked past a mirror. You spent more time playing otome games which didn’t help as you found yourself comparing yourself to all of the characters and greater defining your problems.

Asmo became a welcome distraction as he would spend time talking and messing around with you but today wanted to play dress up and you were his doll and it started out well he complimented you and you thought that it was going to get better but then he stopped his hands resting on your shoulder “you look amazing… Like Lilith did, the perfect little sister.” He said. Asmo didn’t realise that you were upset by the sentence, only snapping out of his sadness when he felt tears on his hands. “Hey what’s wrong..? Hey.” He slowly moved your face so that you were looking at him. “Sorry.” You said softly and he shook his head. “What are you sorry for?” He asked. “You haven’t done anything.” “I know you didn’t mean it.” You informed him and now he really was confused and you could see it. “You're going to have to explain.” Asmo finally said and you looked at him and nodded, you knew that he was right there was no way that you were going to be able to get passed this without telling him what was going on. “I’ve never told anyone this, so you have to bear with me.” You said voice shaking with the nerves that you were feeling, he nodded relocating you both to the bed where it was more comfortable, you had taken to playing with his fingers as he waited patiently for you to talk. “Alright…” You took a deep breath “before I came here I was in the process of figuring out something about myself.” You informed him and he nodded along with what you were saying but you had a feeling he knew where it was going and you thanked him silently for still letting you say it “I’m Transgender from female to male so when you referred to me as the perfect sister earlier.” “I’m sorry, I never meant for that.” He said as he squeezed your hands in reassurance. “I know, you didn’t know, it was difficult for me to tell you all, you were all so happy with the way that you are, you know… All demons seemed comfortable in their own skin. I started comparing myself to characters in the games that I was playing and fell further into this self deprecating hole.” You explained, it was easy to talk to him, there was nothing about him that said that he was judging you. “You my love after perfect as you are now and will continue to be perfect if you change. Do you know why?” He asked, you frowned as you waited for him to continue hanging on to every soft spoken word. “Because it’s a choice you made to make yourself happy, I want to see you smile, I want to see you choose something because you want it.” “Asmo… Thank you.” You said softly. “Can I hug you?” He asked, your heart swelled at him seeking permission. “Yes.” You nodded and he pulled you into his lap wrapping his arms around you. “You come to me when you are ready, okay… we can go shopping, get you new clothes and we can tell the others, I’ll be right by your side no matter how long it takes or who you decide to be.” He said. “You promise?” You asked. “It’s a promise.” He said softly, tightening his hold on you and hoping that it conveyed how safe you were with him and that no matter what you’d look back and see that he was ready to catch you.

Request Here!!

[alternativespookster]

Hi I have severe hypmic brainrot and will now proceed to subject y’all to it. Have my various gender and sexuality headcanons. Also I am trans and mlm so you’ll have to bare with me.

Ichiro: gay gay homosexual gay. Ichikukojyushi polycule real trust me I’m literally jyushi. We all may make hentai lover ichiro jokes but I feel like he’s ace of some sort. He’s cis but he’s also he/they because he just rejects gender. Good for him

Jiro: cis straight Chad but like somehow I feel like he grows up into a himbo and wow does that make me think about making him a little fruity.

Saburo: non-binary. They are just too gender to not be. Gender envy right here right now. Yes I have gender envy for a 14 year old, no it’s not weird. Also their fourteen so I have no thoughts on their sexuality.

Samatoki: but like is that trauma I smell? I don’t know man have daddy issues and sharing cigarette kisses with 2+ men is kinda smelling like gay to me? And he’s a lesbian protector. Also cis but literally you cannot convince me he isn’t the best trans ally ever.

Jyuto: gives me gay and homophobic. But I will put him into the bisexuality corner because I can’t deny the truth. Trans man bc his haircut is just giving off vibes.

Rio: TRANS MAN!!! YOU CANT HAVE TIDDIES LIKE THAT WITHOUT RAISING SUSPICION!! TRANS DETECTOR GOING OFFF. Also a sweet southern bisexual man. God I love him.

Ramuda: okay he’s trans and pansexual and do NOT argue with me on this one it is TRUE KING RECORDS TOLD ME.

Gentaro: he’s- he’s literally the non-binary flag colors. Also bi with a fem lean. Pronouns She/He because I’m not a coward.

Dice: instead of gay and homophobic he’s giving trans and does not know what gender is. Bi and prolly she/he/they because once again, I am not a coward his name is DICE. DAISU. NO CIS PERSON HAS A NAME LIKE THAT.

Jakurai: quizzical old gay man. Elder queer. I just know in my soul he’s old and gay. Also like he/she but in the gnc I like being feminine but I’m certainly not female way. But no please jakurai using feminine pronouns but masculine nouns just feels good in my soul.

Hifumi: trans man. Another trans male you can pry from my cold dead hands. Pan or bi bc yes his love of women is different but he literally has gynophobia so please understand it’s not possible for it to be perfectly the same.

Doppo: agender. He was so so uncomfortable dressing as a lady in that one arb event but it’s bc no gender instead of trans man with dysphoria bc jyuto isn’t transphobic. This is not my only argument but “too tired for gender” isn’t all that compelling now is it? Also is he gay or does he too have a fear of women? Like I just feel like doppo is genuinely afraid of having relationships women bc of chuuoku but I shouldn’t think about it that hard. They/He but doesn’t correct ppl and apologizes to them when they misgender him/only use he/him.

Kuko: hmmm non-binary. And technically this man should not be any type of sexual but you know what he gets a pass. Technically he’s not supposed to touch the opposite sex… and he isn’t so like you go dude, be gay do crime.

Jyushi: you can’t even pry trans male Jyushi out of my dead hands I’m right. Also he’s bi. But god damn is he very male leaning. Oh he also gives big he/she/they vibes but also I’m kinda like hmmmmm. Is he just very feminine?? Bc if so me too dude. He/him strictly but very fem gang.

Hitoya: also gives quizzical old gay vibes. He trans because I say so. Literally he’s just so vivacious.

Sasara: gay gay home of sexual gay. Literally have you met this man??? Just so fruity. He’s probably cis but this guy is just so gender. So maybe a he/they. As a treat.

Rosho: okay that is a trans man if I’ve ever seen one. Also like gives off the vibes of a gay but surprisingly he does in fact like women! A bicon if I do say so myself!

Rei: cishet. Like I want him to be gay so so bad but he is not a gay he’s just that much of a disaster straight. He feels like a true old gay man and I just want to hand him the trophy but no I can’t lie he is cishet and would probably kill me💙

Otome: cis but the biest woman to ever bi. Literally I don’t care if everyone and their mother thinks she’s a lesbian I have to be honest she’s a bi woman scorned horridly.

Ichijuku: a trans lesbian. I’m no coward literally prove me wrong you can’t.

Nemu my love, the one woman I would get on one knee for instead of two: trans trans trans please let me have this one. At least non-binary. Please let me HAVE THIS. Also like I love her so much but she is a slightly mean bi lady and Ichijuku is the mean lesbian not the other way around. She would be a wonderfully girl boss mean lesbian though

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

You said we can ask you questions so here goes( hope they arent invasive)

-at what age did u realise u were lesbian?was it easy/hard to accept?

-how was your coming out like? How did your family and friends react?

-were you ever/are you religious?do u believe one can balance between being homosexual and religious?

- were you always masc or is it something that came with accepting your sexuality?

-do you call yourself a stud?

- how hard/easy has it been being an out and proud black lesbian?

- thoughts on the stigma against stud4stud/butch4butch lesbians

-were you ever a TRA/libfem? If yes, what made you peak?

-ive had ppl talk about how masc lesbians being touch-me-nots is problematic/toxic and how its more about upholding a "status" than it is about preference. What do you make of that?

Not invasive at all! I'm happy to answer and thank you for asking :).

- I realized I was a lesbian at age 12 when I developed a HUGE crush on my gorgeous English teacher. I also got a small crush on a girl in one of my classes. I didn't grow up around much homophobia so it wasn't hard for me to accept that I was gay but what was hard was the absolute intensity of my feelings towards my teacher. I used to pray to god to have my feelings for her taken away because they were just so intense and I didn't know how to handle them (she was my teacher so I clearly wasn't going to ask her out. There was literally no outlet for what I was feeling so I kept it bottled.). My parents never brought up gay people in any positive or negative way and the kids I grew up around didn't really either. So me being gay wasn't something I beat myself up over. Once I accepted that I wasn't an overly invested straight ally, the road to acceptance was a peace of cake tbh.

-My coming out was... Well. I first started coming out to my friends when I was 13 and they were accepting of it. It honestly wasn't that interesting to tell you the truth 😅. All the peers that I gave a shit about never gave me shit for being gay. I never lost a friend for being gay. Coming out to my parents took me until I was 16 and the reason for that is because I genuinely didn't know how they'd react. Like I said, they never said anything about gay people point blank period. However, I was kind of forced to come out one particular night because my heart had been fucking shattered by a girl I was strongly crushing on at the time. I was pacing up and down my house, my best friend wasn't answering me, I could hear my dad's TV playing, it was late, I was tired, I couldn't sleep, I had school tomorrow, I was freaking out, I was devastated... I wanted to be comforted so I went to my father, threw my head into his arm and started telling him how my heart felt broken. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said "nope" there was some silence and he was like "it's okay, I've known for a long time". I never actually said the words "gay" or "lesbian" during my coming out but I guess I didn't need to. The next morning, my father asked if it was okay if he could go tell my mom and I said yes. Long story short, my mom was even less surprised than my dad and she's the more progressive of the two so it wasn't really an issue (though she did tell me to keep an open mind in terms of liking men 😅 she seems to think I'm bisexual which is whatever because she never bothers me about it).

-Hmm. I don't like to completely cut out religion from my life. My father was extremely religious and now that he's gone, I feel it's disrespectful for me to say God doesn't exist. Like, "dad, you spent practically your whole life believing wholeheartedly in God but guess what! It was a waste and the thing you dedicated your life is something I think is a fairytale!" that doesn't sit right with me at all. I've been baptized and I used to go to church when I was younger. I think that there's no reason to shake my head at the possibility of a God. In terms of being gay and believing in God, I once watched a video by a devout Christian gay man who went through all the homophobic stuff Christians love to quote from the bible and gave the actual meaning behind them. I, personally, do not think that God is homophobic. I think that God's love is not something we have the capacity to understand. So, I, personally, think Christian gay people are perfectly fine and are already balanced. Here's to hoping that they stay away from homophobic churches!

-No, I wasn't always masc. As a child I was a huge girly girl. Like, legit, I wasn't a tomboy in the slightest lmao. I'm not sure when I started being masc. But what I do know is that I've grown far more masc over the years. I used to not want to dress too manly (no tuxedo's and no clothes from the men's section and no boxers) but nowadays I love all of those things and that's genuinely what I want in my wardrobe so I have no problem going into the men's section for my clothes.

-No, I don't call myself a stud. Love those guys though. The label I feel that's most accurate for me is masc.

-Um, I'm not sure how to answer this since I don't have experience being any other kind of lesbian. I guess it's just kind of tiring. I'm black, female, and homosexual. That's a LOT of different topics to give my attention to. The hardest part of being a black lesbian is knowing who to give my camaraderie to. Do I give it to black women? Black women AND black men? Lesbians? Only black lesbians? The lgb community as a whole? It's just a lot to think about. I will say, though, I think that it's a lot harder to be a masc black lesbian than a white one. Black women are already perceived as manly just based off of our skin color. So for me to willingly present masc can often be... A non-pretty picture in the eyes of society and I'm hyper-aware of that which is why I often have trouble going all out with the wardrobe I truly desire. That's my biggest challenge navigating the world as the black lesbian that I am. On a more positive note though, it's great being a black lesbian because I can have an opinion on everything and nobody can tell me I'm being racist/homophobic/sexist or stepping outside of my lane 😂. I'm on a three-lane road motherfucker and I'm not afraid to use all of them.

-my thoughts are that you should leave people alone. I will say though, I once read something that was like "if you call yourself a femme but the idea of being with a butch disgusts you, you're not a femme, you're just a feminine lesbian" and that rang true to me so it feels hypothetical (and nonsensical) if the reverse wasn't true as well. If a butch/stud shits on femmes and assumes they can't be as feminine as they are and ACTUALLY gay then I do have a problem. Butches and femmes have a history that's damn near inseparable from each other so for a butch to shit on femmes... I'd argue that they're probably not butch but instead just masculine lesbians. However, I don't care if two butches or studs want to date lmao. All the power to them, I hope they're happy.

-I definitely used to support trans rights more than I do now. I would correct people who misgendered others. I thought trans women were women. I was in support of bathroom laws. I never made posts about it, but I very much did believe it. Magdalen berns made me peak. I started realizing that gender makes no sense. I did some research and came to the conclusions I hold today. Even when I want to go back to my ignorance, I can't because I've seen too much by now.

-I honestly don't know. I think that some masc lesbians don't want to be put in that "feminine" position of being touched by their partner. It could stem from upholding a status but at the end of the day, sexual boundaries are sexual boundaries. What are you gonna do? Force your touch on to them? Yikes. Leave them be. If you're upset about your partner not wanting to be touched by you then get a new one. Clearly you're not sexually happy so leave. I don't think it's necessarily toxic unless they think there's something inherently demeaning in being touched by their partner or they do want to be touched but won't allow themselves due to trauma or feeling like there's a certain persona they must uplift. Other than that though, I don't see the issue.

Thanks for the questions, buddy ❤️

[metalotaku-da]

GREATEST SHOWMAN VOLTRON

Keith is from a rich upbringing, his parents lotor and axca are of the upper class during the civil war in nyc.shiro is his childhood friend. Shiro’s father did various labor for keith’s family. After shiro’s father dies, he goes off to join the railroad. He meets up with keith whenever he can. Confessing his love to him in an abandoned house as he spins tales to entertain him like he did in their youth. However, Keith's parents try to forbid him from seeing him. Keith finally decided after a harsh evening of words that he has had enough. And runs away from home to be with shiro. The two move into together in the slums. Where they meet two young orphans shortly after named nadia and silvio. They take them in like their own children. When shiro loses his job and banks everything on an ill gotten loan for hsi oddities museum. Keith and th4 kids throw everything they have into helping him make it a success.

From the idea he got from the kids, shiro went to recruit the local conjoined twins matt and pidge holt. It took a lot of persuasion. Next he meets Allura, an albino freed slave and her friend and former master's daughter, Corana, a bearded and mustache red headed woman at the wash house. Then shiro and keith hold open auditions at the museum. 

One of the first acts they sign are lance also more often known as lucrecia and their sister veronica as trapeze artists. They are escaped former slaves from cuba. Lance/lucrecia and veronica tell their story to shiro and Keith over drinks. The two are twins and they choose to take their chances at escape after their former master sold off their other family members.  Lance disguised themself as a woman in their escape to America, and found that most days they prefered to be seen as a woman and choose the name lucrecia when dressed as a woman. Shiro and Keith respond with kindness and acceptance as do the rest of their troupe. Keith even asks Lance/Lucrecia how they’d like to be addressed. And they responded with a  shrug and a “i guess whatever i am perceived as, but i don’t think i care much really either way. I am used to being called many things, especially when people find out.” and Shiro and Keith respond with the others to do their best respect whatever choice lance makes with his appearance. And in front of the audience they will never be misgendered. 

They are also joined at the auditions by the very large and strongman Hunk. Who is a recently emancipated slave. He and Lance/Lucrecia hit it right off the bat, becoming quick friends. He is the first of the new acts they confide in. 

A troupe of four women also joined them, Zenthrid, a giant strong woman, Ezor the tumblist and fire eater, and Narti a blind fortune teller. 

Along with many others. 

After their first big windfall after the show opens shiro buys his family a huge new house. And enrolls Nadia in ballerina school like she has always wanted. Through the new experience of high society parties, keith introduces him to jame’s family. A rich upper class family who back the north and the abolitionists. James has returned recently with a friend from europe. A famous playwright, whose works are the talk of Europe and america. Many of the guests are shocked when they discover the man they thought to be his servant to be the famous playwright, a black man named Ryan kinkaide. James is drunk and over eager to introduce Ryan to more friendly faces at the party. In a bid to tease keith about his newly reclaimed status by a string or highwire. He drags Ryan over for introduction and eagerly throws him to shiro and keith when neither blanche nor snubs his friend. Speaking to him as equals. Though with a bit more politeness and manners from Keith than the other had been shooting james. Shiro asks the two to meet keith and him at a local bar later.

Once there they discuss the two of them joining their circus. With Ryan helping to right acts and shows. And James helping with behind the scenes things. With the upper class. It takes some haggling and James chooses to enter a business venture as a silent partner. but would like to look around the show before any papers are signed. Who knows he might change his mind after seeing the behind the scenes. 

The act performing when they arrive is the trapeze. And Ryan finds himself captivated by one of the twins in a pink wig he comes face to face with. “Who is that?” Ryan asks, still staring out the balcony he had come face to face with them in. Shiro gives a wicked grin knowing he has Ryan there. Keiht gives him a warning glance before he answers the playwright. “Lucrecia. One of our trapeze twins from the exotic cuban plantations of the southernmost ocean to touch this country.”

“Their act is truly captivating isn’t it?” Keith says with a smile. 

“Yes, she is.” Ryan responds, eyes still glued till the act is complete. James and Ryan sign on, splitting a 10 percent take. Ryan and James quickly work themselves into the group. The two are later on introduced to lance on day during the week. When he joins them at lunch. Learning he is Veronica's brother. “And lucrecia’s? Will she be joining us today too?” Ryan asked hopefully. Keith looked to the other quickly at Ryan's words. Lance responds with a sad smile. “Afraid not. Just me today. She had other things to do. Maybe another time.”

“Yes, maybe another time. It’s a pleasure to meet you lance. I’m sorry we haven't had a chance to be introduced yet. Hopefully we can get to know each more as we work together.”

“Maybe.” lance responds with a slightly more genuine smile. Taking his lunch to sit by veronica and hunk. The holts check James's shoulder as the other squints in judgment of lance as he sits. The two joining the others. 

“Why would you say that?” Keith asked Lance later. The other still dressed as a male. “They are part of the crew now. He’s going to figure it out eventually.”

Lance shrugged headed to his changing area. “Gives me sometime to see if he’s safe. Or if both are. It just gives me some time. When he figures it out it will show how he really feels about lucrecia. Helps to find out if he’s feelings are for me or for the act.”

“You are lucrecia. You are lance. They are the same person because they are you.” Shiro says kindly joining the two. A hand on Keith's shoulder in support. 

“The show is the act. Not you.” Keith says strongly. They give him a thankful smile before going behind the screen to change to more feminine clothing. Once again joining the others as Lucrecia. 

James and Ryan join the others a few days later with news. They got a response to their letter from the queen of England and they had been granted an audience with the queen. Lucrecia asks if it’s for all of them. James gives a nervous smile, but Ryan is quick to state it’s all of them or none. 

When they are leaving via ship Ryan asks where lance is having not seen him board. Lucrecia is quick to tell him not to worry. He is around. It leaves a pleasant smile on her lips as he excuses himself to other tasks. Lance makes a few appearances here or there on the trip. However once again is nowhere to be seen once they reach the shores of england. Which finally starts setting up questions in ryan and james. As they start to notice the two might just be one. 

At court they meet the queen and after a small flub that is quickly saved all goes well for the group. James introduces Shiro and Keith to Adam the swedish nightingale. A singer also there to see the queen who is known throughout europe for his amazing singing voice. Shiro is quick to make an offer for an american tour. Not even lying to Adam's question if he had ever heard him sing. 

Ryan introduces some of his royal court acquaintances to his friends in the circus. Lucrecia and Corana are quick to leave after some comments about their masculine features. That Ryan chooses not to address more than looking away. Veronica and Allura leave shortly after noticing their missing family.

Back in the states, Ryan James and Shiro work hard on the show for adam. 

Adam’s show in new york goes well. However Ryan's still budding feelings for Lucrecia cause a bit of anguish at the show as he chooses to hold Lucrecia's hand during the performance, but drops his hold once he is given a disapproving look from James and his parents from the audience. Who James had told his suspicions on Lance/Lucrecia to. She tries to keep her tears in check for the rest of the evening. Keith’s parents show up to the after party having been to see the show. Lotor and Axca finally meet Nadia and Silvio. Axca seems happy to see them but Lotor and Shiro get into an argument where Lotor before he throws them out. When shiro tries to block them from the after party leaving them in the back once more, sans Ryan, the rest of the group decides they are tired of being treated as background act only to be seen in a tent as an attraction only and not people. Crashing the party despites Shiro's words. After facing the upper class in their own party the group leaves the stares, headed back to the circus. The trip forced them to face an angry mob of protestors on the way. But they perform their evening show without a hitch to a sold out crowd cheering them. Lucrecia uses the opening act to throw shade at ryan. Doing the trapeze number as lance. 

 Shiro is quick to choose to leave with Adam to do more shows around the states. Which is confusing to James and ryan. As he didn’t consult either on the elaborate plan and the payout is poultry if any as it’s a very risky business venture. James even offers to go on tour in his stead Since he is the one without a family to be away from. His parents worry the least about his travel with the war going on. Where Shiro was leaving behind Keith and the kids. Keith was protesting loudly the choice when he was informed only a day before shiro was to leave But shiro was adamant that it needed to be him to go. Getting more into the day to day shows for when shiro left. Nadia and Silvio chase after the carriage carrying him and Adam as they leave.

Just before shiro left he did a favor for ryan leaving two tickets at the theatre for lucrecia and ryan. Telling lance as he got ready for practice he left one under the name lucrecia. Ryan in his excitement tells the others all about it. Which is good since he needed to be reminded as he was almost late to go meet her. 

Lucrecia is confused when the ticket master presents her with two tickets. At first thinking it was a mistake. But is surprised when Ryan shows up. Asking for her to go with him to the play. And he wasn’t sure if she’d have said yes had he asked her directly. Lucrecia is nervous at first, but when Ryan presents his hand, she does take it. He loops her hand in his arm and escorts her up the stairs through the coloreds only entrance. Commenting on always wanting to see the theatre and excitement to do so. As they ascend they run into James and his parents climbing the stairs next to them through the white entrance. Ryan is quick to introduce lucrecia to James's parents. Who snubs her, refusing to address her and ask Ryan if he has any shame. Being seen with something like that. Lucrecia is quick to excuse herself and run off back to the circus. Ryan stays behind to defend lucrecia. Telling James and his family they don’t even know her, before leaving to go after her. James follows grabbing his arm at the bottom of the stairs countering quickly, “do you even know her? Does she even exist? no matter who they are, they have been lying to us. To you this whole time ryan.”

“Lucrecia will tell me when they are ready to tell me.” he states pulling back his own arm. 

“And yet, you only keep your eyes for lucrecia. What will you do when they confirm they have been lying to you? Can you bring yourself to choose both if they are truly one in the same or will you choose to only care for them as lucrecia?” Ryan doesn’t respond but leaves James behind to return to the circus. 

He finds lucrecia there changed from her evening out wear to her practice outfit. Hair lightly pulled back but down. Ryan is quick to apologize, and says they are small minded people. He will drag James in himself to apologize for his rudeness. But she shouldn’t care what they think of her. And asks why she does. They don’t know her. Lucrecia is quick to inform him it’s not just James or his parents. It is from others too. Everyone outside these walls looks at them the same way. 

“They give me dirty looks too. I’ve learned to ignore them.” Ryan states bring himself closer to her.

“We may get the same looks for being of darker complexion ryan, but it’s not the look i’m talking about, and you know it. You're a rich black man from across the ocean who has never been a slave. Before you came here did anyone even look down on you? Treat you as less than an animal? As a freak in need of beating the devil from?” Lucrecia walks away from him to undo the ropes for her practice. “I didn’t think so.”

Ryan chooses to open himself up and lay out his heart. “You know I want you. It’s not a secret I try to hide. I know you want me.” The two go back and forth while lucrecia and him fight over the equipment and she still gets some practice in. Ryan even shows how much attention he has paid to the act, keeping up a little bit with her. 

“It doesn’t matter how we feel Ryan because it can not be. You are in love with an act not with me. I can not give you what you want.” lucrecia says in frustration. 

“How can you say that? While I stand before you telling you how my heart feels for you Lucrecia?” Ryan pleads, holding her close by the arms.

She jerks back away from him. Frustrated tears clinging to her eyes. As she wipes furiously at her face with her arm, and pulls off her wig in a dramatic fling. “Because Lucrecia is an act! And your heart is only for Lucrecia. You barely have words for me as Lance lest it is to ask of Lucrecia. As Lucrecia I can’t give you a family, a future.'' Lance's chest is heaving at his declaration and reveal. Taking in Ryan's shocked face and silence. “I can’t have you as Lance, I will not have you as Lucrecia.” with those parting words lance turned on his heels and left Ryan alone on the stage. 

Keith and the kids try to keep things normal while Shiro is gone. But his absence is noticeable at every recital and around the circus and their large empty house. The rest of the cast members notice and try to step up as much as they can.

On tour with Adam, Shiro is enjoying himself grandly. The same bright smile graces his face at each performance of adams. The two grow close as the tour continues. At around the 30th performance, Shiro gets a little more introspective. Feeling a bit of guilt at the gentle and casual touches between him and adam. Missing Keith and his kids. He tries to set up Adam to continue the tour alone. Bring it up to him in his room. Adam is taken aback and angry. Thinking the feelings he was acting on flirting with Shiro were mutual. Shiro apologizes for the misunderstanding, but shares that he deeply loves keith. Misses him and his kids. But he has everything taken care of for Adam to finish the tour alone without him as a distraction. Adam becomes even more angry at the words. Refusing to continue the tour. Shiro tells him he has ot. To not would ruin him. Adams informs him he ruined himself by playing with others like pawns. He did perform the show that was due to go in mere hours after their argument leaving shiro to think all is well.

Adams' performance is affected greatly by his emotional argument with Shiro prior. But Shiro still takes the stage with him for the final bow. Where Adam sneaks a kiss to his mouth for the camera’s to shiro’s horror. Adam tells him it’s his parting gift before saying goodbye. Leaving shiro to face the fallout alone.

Shiro returns home and  Nadia and Silvio come running down the stairs at the sight of him. Throwing their arms around him and asking why he came back early.  He tells them because he missed them. He asks them to come with him to see how the circus is doing.

The circus is facing a growing number of protestors. A few buy tickets to the show and stay after the closing act to address them. Led by a local man named sendak. The men throw insults and slurs at them demanding they leave town. James and Ryan confront them together and ask them to leave. James asks them to leave nicely one more time. When sendak throws the first punch zenthrid charges, followed by the others in the circus and the rest of sendak's gang. A fire is started by a brawler intentionally knocking over a lamp and smashing into a store of animal feed.

Once he reaches town they learn the circus is on fire. Shiro wastes no time jumping from the carriage to check on his friends. The fire department works as best they can. Ryarn and James are looking over everyone checking in when shiro joins them. And he asks about the animals looking around at the performers. Hunk informs him they let them out. It was all they could do. Ryan’s eyes go wide at the words. “Where’s lance? Where is lucrecia?” hunk looks back at the burning building. They had been the most adamant about getting all the animals. Without an answer Ryan runs back in the building. Veronica tries to follow but hunk and shiro hold her back. Right after Ryan enters the building Lance runs up from the alley beside the building having been chasing the animals away from the fire and trying to get them to circle back around. Just as Keith and kids break into the crowd. He is told Ryan went in after him and James and Veronica grab him next as he screams. Shiro looks at hias family before running off towards the burning building.

The building collapses with shiro and ryan inside. The crowd is in despair thinking they lost just as shiro comes out carrying an unconscious ryan. Ryan is taken by the paramedics to the hospital. Lance and James follow after them to stay by his side for his stay.

Shiro shows up to the burned circus the next day to see if anything could be salvaged. He is met on the steps by his newspaper critic iverson. They have a little chat. He shares first that the thugs who did this were arrested, and Iverson tells him he hopes he rebuilds. Even if he doesn’t personally enjoy it, he knows others do. And during these times where this very nation is fighting and many of their statesman dying trying to define for the future who is and not worthy of being seen as people and equals, that in this moment in history what shiro is doing portraying all of those performers as people and equals is important for the future. He says well at least we can borrow off the profits from Adam's tour. Iverson cringes, you haven’t heard? Heard what? Iverson shows him the day's paper. Front page is a picture of him and Adam kissing. The story is how Adam nor Shiro appeared at any of the other scheduled show stops. Shiro takes off running for home at the sight. Knowing Keith will have seen it.

Shiro runs into the house to see people removing items from the house. And Keith walked out with the kids in tow to a waiting carriage packed with their personal belongings. Shiro tries to stop them. Keith, wiat, please, just wait. Nothing happened. I swear to you. “Nothing happened shiro! We’ve hidden away our true relationship and you are on the cover of the newspaper kissing that man! For the whole world to see!” “ He set me up for that in a jealous rage. Nothing happened. i don’t love him keith! I love you!” “no shiro, you don’t. You only love yourself and your new found fame.” “please just tell me where you are going?” “home shiro. I’m taking the kids and going home.” “this is our home.” That's when Keith informs him he knows about the risky loan and the bank sent eviction papers over already. They already lost the house. And he was done listening to his excuse and lies. He never had to lie to him. Then he leaves Shiro standing on the stoop alone. 

Corana and the holts lead the others to Shiro's favorite bar. Where they find the man drunk and depressed laying half across it. Matt is the first to speak when shiro ignores their entrance. “Should’ve figured we’d find you here feeling sorry for yourself.” Shiro doesn’t even look at them as the others settle around him. Tell them he can’t pay them all the money's gone. They are over. Pidge is next telling him to shut up and taking his drink away. The others take the time to explain what shiro did for them with his show and how much the show means to them. How it didn't feel like work but a family. Family some of them never had the pleasure of having before the circus. He can’t give up because they all want their home back and that includes him and his family too. After a little more pep talk Shiro smiles at them before taking off to Keith's parents house to win the love of his life back.

Shiro is greeted by Lotor at the door, who refuses to give shiro information on his son’s whereabouts. But the kids make it down the stairs and are happy to see him when asked where Keith is. They happily tell him Keith is at the beach. Shiro smiles brightly at his kids, thanking them and takes off towards the beach. Where he apologizes to Keith and fesses up to his mistakes. Telling him he just wanted to do more for them and go bigger and bigger he didn’t mean to let it get to his head or to get so out of control. He loves him, he loves the kids. He loves the family they made with the circus crew. They all miss him  and the kids. Keith tells him he will give him another chance. That he always loved him. He didn’t need all the bells and whistles he just wanted shiro. 

Ryan wakes up to the sight of lance with his head draped across his chest half asleep and James passed out in a chair at the foot of the bed. His groaning wakes the two as rayn brings a hand up to the back of Lance's head. The other throws his arms around Ryan's neck in tears of joy at the sight of seeing him awake. He goes to pull back at the looks the nurses were giving him but is instead pulled forward by Ryan to meet him in a deep kiss. James just laughs and grabs his friend's leg, his own happy tears falling down his cheeks as Lance melts into ryans kiss easily with his own.

They all meet up at the steps of the circus. Shiro informs everyone that the bank wouldn’t give him a new loan. Nor any in the nearby towns. And he probably couldn't swindle any other banks in the world to give him a loan. He is sorry to disappoint everyone. Matt is quick to inform him not to worry. Pidge adds on that he was always a disappointment. Shiros gives a sarcastic thanks for that. Lucrecia, Ryan and James join them after being released from the hospital. The others have worked together to get them some clothes to be able to return to presenting as a woman when they so choose to do so. Having lost their own in the fire. James is quick to inform him he had once had an inheritance and connections that could have helped them but now all he had was his friendship with all of them. Oh and his and Ryan's 10 percent share of the door. Which he was smart enough to collect every week to prevent Shiro from causing a disaster with it and Ryan also stated he had some modest savings from his plays. As they were still doing well in Europe. 

Shiro tried to protest. Saying he couldn’t let them risk all they had left on him. Corana protesting loudly for him to not turn sensible on them now. James counters with asking them all three to be equal partners. With equal say in everything as they move forward. Shiro quickly agrees to their terms. They discuss logistics as even with their bit of funding they can’t afford to repair the building. Instead they get a tent and some cheap land on the outskirts of town by the docks. One big enough for their entire extended family to safely call home. The group salvaged all they could from the rubble together before leaving it behind. The tent gives them more room to bigger and better shows and bring in even more acts. 

[1998tales]

4 APRIL 2020

11:25PM

I continued my habit of waking up late and taking an afternoon nap. I kept scrolling through https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/ all day to see the death tolls and infection rates.

Aside from that, I watched the 2017 version of Truth or Dare. I liked the movie overall, only I would have tweaked the dares for people to be able to survive them. A few of them were impossible to survive. Plus, when it’s revealed that the demon/evil thrives on your fears and secrets, we should have found out what each person was hiding. I don’t think that was probably shown, or maybe I’m just dumb and didn’t realize what was going on. I looked up spoilers and youtube reviews for the Blumhouse one made in 2018. I bet I would have liked that version too. Something that I’ve always liked about horror films is that you see young people with such independence. Where are the parents? LOL 

As a teenager, I didn’t have much independence. In college, I was mainly stuck in my dorm or apartment with no one to hang out with and nowhere to go. Even now in my 30s, I’m dependent upon other people and my friendships aren’t really my own. I’m just the third wheel in most situations. Middle age is dawning on me and I feel like I’ve never really lived. I haven’t experienced very much in life. No guys have ever really liked me. No one really seeks my friendship.

I was convinced through movies and books that we all go through an awkward stage and that stage will end. Some guy will notice you and like you. You’ll find that quirky group of friends who will have your back. You’ll have moments of euphoria and transcendence. No, no, and nope. A few of us will never experience what it is to be loved by someone. That’s just reality.

We don’t need excuses from people. We don’t need cliches. Life does not work out for all people, no matter what they do. The pretty girls at my work get handed life on a silver platter. All of my life boys and men have made sure to tell me, that I am worthless. Sometimes, your self-esteem is already so broken by your family that the rest of your little world adding to it just hammers the nail in.

I’ve been called ugly, masculine, and stupid in both direct and indirect ways my entire life. My mother would call my hair “shit colored”. To this day, I hate having my haircut. I hate going to salons. I remember as a child having my hair insulted at them because I would wear it up so much. I wore it up so much because people would make rude comments when I wore it down. People do not understand the damage they do to children.  I’ve been wearing my hair up because of this since 1993. I haven’t had a professional haircut since I was in my early 20s.

Boys would call me masculine. I can’t figure out why, but they would say I had a penis. I dreaded being misgendered on the phone. I still remember one Halloween where a man called me a boy. It ruined the entire night. I realized at the time he couldn’t really see me in the dark, but it still hurt. A group of friends were all out somewhere and one of them got into a conflict with a guy. Then the guy looked at me and them, and said “go back to hanging out with that girl, or whatever it is.” I truly do not understand why this was said to me. I didn’t look like a boy.

As an adult, this transitioned into calling me gay. Now, gay people do not like to hear it, but a straight person like myself does not want to be called gay. I want to attract men, not women. I’m not being called gay because I’m popular with women, it’s just another way to say “You are ugly, masculine, and are repulsive to men.” My co-workers think I’m gay. One of the few times I’ve went out in my life, I had some man accuse me of being gay (repeatedly to taunt me), all because I was wearing a button up shirt. No doubt if I were blonde and pretty, that would have never happened.

To this day, if I wear a dress, I always get a comment from someone. As if it’s the wildest thing that I could wear a dress. I feel so self-conscious wearing them that I rarely ever do. I have only worn them 4 times in the last 5 years despite really wanting to wear them. I’m saying this in the nicest way, but if men can walk around wearing them, why should I get these weird comments? Why do people always have to insult me?

My goal once I lose weight is to wear them more frequently.

I think all of my issues with people judging me as masculine have influenced my near obsession with makeup. I used to not feel entitled to wear makeup or anything feminine, because of how people would insult me. That changed a few years ago and now I usually wear a full face every day. I feel like it’s my only way to ever be feminine. And I didn’t wear makeup as I do now. I started to wear foundation to help cover up how red my face would get. Then, I moved on to wearing mascara and a wash of color on my eyelids. It took a long time to get into lipstick because I knew someone would make a comment. They did.

When you suffer from shyness that is so painful, you might exaggerate the negative contact you have with others, but when there’s a recurring pattern of being insulted in a particular way by people, you have no way to escape certain phobias or avoid developing certain anxieties.

I’m at the weight I am now partly because I always thought my body was disgusting. I thought that way because my mother would tell me I was fat. She started telling me this when I was 114 lbs. I had a really distorted way of looking at myself. I gained a little bit of weight and had stretch marks too. She made a negative comment to me about it when I was 16. I felt like there was no way back from this and that I could never let someone see me naked or even in a bathing suit. Now I realize at 230+ lbs, that I wasn’t a fat person then. Now, I have real damage to my body.

But then I wonder too: if I wasn’t really fat and was at my youngest, why didn’t anybody ever like me? I never received compliments from anybody. No guys showed any interest. If I lose all of my weight, I’ll still be me. Someone they never liked and now I’m older, which they dislike too. You really can’t win in life at all. I think the cards were always stacked against me. And sometimes, when I have to play along with other people’s happy lives, I get sick of it. You generally have what you do because of your looks or money. That’s the truth. Pretty people and well off people don’t want to admit it.

Even the man that I really care about, could even say that I love him, he is really handsome and masculine. I wouldn’t like him if he weren’t. That’s just the truth. Anyway, I’m tired of this subject. Just wanted to share “my truth” as the say.

I’m so terrified of going to work on Monday. Now, I regret sending that email to my colleagues. I could have spent this entire time not worrying. Now, I know that on Monday, I will have the review. I might get into serious trouble. The only comfort in my mind is that it will be over next week. Whatever happens, it will be over. If I get into trouble, I get into trouble. If I don’t, I don’t. I’m so anxious that I feel sick.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Forty Three

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

February 16th, 2019

Logan woke up slowly, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. It was a Saturday, so he didn’t have to worry about his alarm going off. Something was different, though, and he couldn’t put his finger on it. He stared at the ceiling for a minute. His hair had been cut, but he had gotten used to that, mostly. He was in the Picani’s place, not the Harkness’ place, which he was also used to.

Roman walked in their shared bedroom, grinning. “Hey, sleepyhead. Your legal dads are waiting for you downstairs with a celebratory breakfast.”

Logan blinked, frowning, trying to absorb that information. It hit him over the head like a sack of bricks: he was adopted yesterday! That’s what was different! He was legally part of a family again! He grinned, sitting up. “All right, all right, I’m up,” he said, grabbing a sports bra and getting dressed. Today was going to be a good day.

February 15th, 2020

Logan sat up in bed with a stretch and a sigh. It was February fifteenth, according to his phone, which had a little reminder about “Dad and Ami go crazy today.” He tried to puzzle that out for a minute before he remembered: the anniversary of his adoption. Dad and Ami had done a celebration for Roman about a month before, and they had asked Logan what he wanted in terms of his. He said he didn’t want a lot of fanfare, just maybe picking out lunch or dinner and his family there to support him.

The odds of that actually happening were slim to none, but hey, he tried. He climbed out of bed, got dressed, and stumbled down the stairs, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. “Ugh,” he grumbled as he walked into the kitchen.

“Morning, Lo,” Dad said with a smile. “Sleep well?”

“Debatable,” Logan responded, voice creaking in protest of being used.

“Have some juice to help your voice,” Dad said, gesturing to the fridge. “Then you can help yourself to breakfast, because I know you wanted to experiment with cooking.”

“Mm,” Logan hummed his thanks and went to the fridge, bringing out apple juice and pouring it into a glass Dad passed him. He took a grateful sip, letting the sugar coat his throat. He put the apple juice back and pulled out an egg. “Show me how to make one sunny-side up?” he requested.

“Sure,” Dad agreed.

Roman came down and grabbed breakfast as Dad was teaching Logan to cook the egg, and Dee, Virgil, and Pat soon ran to the den and turned on the TV for Saturday morning cartoons. Logan took his breakfast, successfully cooked, into the dining room to eat and think. Roman came over to him with a Pop Tart and spoke as he ate. “Any idea where we’re going for lunch or dinner?”

Logan pulled a face. “Roman, don’t talk with your mouth full. I don’t need you spraying crumbs all over my breakfast.”

“Mm. Shorry,” Roman mumbled. He swallowed. “Still, any idea?”

Logan shrugged. “Not really. I don’t really want to go anywhere super fancy. Maybe...like, Panera. Their sandwiches are good, even if it makes me sound like a ‘basic white girl.’”

“You are not basic, nor are you a girl,” Roman pointed out.

“True,” Logan allowed. “But people will say I sound like one anyway, even if I pass as a guy.”

“Why?” Roman asked.

“Well, if I pass as a guy, they aren’t using it to misgender me, they’re just insulting my taste,” Logan said with a shrug. “As far as I’ve gathered, at any rate. People are...not my strong suit.”

“Yeah, I’ve gathered that before,” Roman said with a grin and a bite from his Pop Tart. “But seriously, why do people compare guys to girls as an insult?”

Logan shrugged. “Because effeminate men are not supposed to exist, I suppose.”

Roman nodded, before frowning. “Logan...”

“Hm?”

“If you were...I don’t know...able to get surgery at one point, if that’s what you wanted. And your breasts were gone. So people very clearly saw you as a guy. Would you ever wear dresses or skirts or makeup?”

Logan considered. “I’m...not sure. I suppose I would give it a try, but...I don’t think I would go out of my way to do it often. I’m more androgynous-to-masculine in my style.”

Roman nodded. “That’s fair. I was just wondering if you didn’t like feminine things because you didn’t pass, or if you just didn’t like feminine things.”

“No, I’m just more masculine in style,” Logan said. “However, I do like pastels. I don’t wear them often because they make me look more ‘soft’ according to people at school, but they are fun to wear, provided I don’t get misgendered wearing them.”

“So when you’re an adult and have had all the surgeries you want, you’ll wear pastels and be the man of your dreams?” Roman asked. “Oh, wait, my mistake, Jack is the man of your dreams,” he teased.

“Roman, I will kill you,” Logan warned.

Roman just laughed, finished his breakfast, and left the room. Logan sighed and finished his breakfast before retreating to his room to read for a few hours. He considered writing, especially because he had seen a fascinating Sherlock Holmes theory recently, but he didn’t have the energy to write too much today.

So he read, curled up on his bed, until there was a knock at the door and Dad poked his head in. “Hey, did you want to go out for lunch as a celebration?” he asked. “Or should I come back around dinner?”

“Lunch is fine,” Logan said, putting down his book and standing. “I was just thinking we could go to Panera. Somewhere simple. Everyone likes something there, and we don’t go very often. Besides, I like their sandwiches.”

Dad smiled. “Sounds perfect. Shall we go?”

Logan nodded and followed Dad downstairs and out the door as Ami wrangled the boys into the van. Logan just sat in his usual spot, scrolling his phone. To him, it felt more or less just like another Saturday. The exception being that they were going out to lunch at a place of his choosing.

When they finally managed to get everyone inside the restaurant and figured out their orders, Ami suggested, “Why don’t you find a table, Logan? I need to grab something from the car, but the boys can stay with Dad, or they can help you if you want.”

Logan squinted. It wasn’t like Ami to forget something in the car. This was probably what his surprise was going to be, like Roman’s surprise was the book from his mom. Still, he didn’t want to ruin the surprise for the others, and Dad and Ami were clearly desperate for him to play along. “Okay. Dee, do you want to help me find a spot that’s quiet enough for you?”

Dee nodded and the two walked away from the rest of the group. Logan sighed. Dee looked up at him. “Dad and Ami are trying to surprise you,” he signed.

“Yeah, I figured,” Logan said with a tired smile. “I didn’t want a lot of fanfare, though. It’s an important day, true, but I don’t like all the attention on me. Some is fine, but all? That makes me uncomfortable.”

Dee nodded in understanding. “Same,” he signed.

They found a table in the front, by the windows that no one was using. Most of the people around here were quiet, too, so Logan and Dee took a seat. Logan stared out the front window and sighed again. “I know this is supposed to be a happy day, and it is, but I feel...I don’t know,” he muttered.

“Bittersweet?” Dee asked.

“Monachopsis, maybe. I just always, always feel like I’m slightly out of place. Even in this family, where everyone belongs, I feel like I...don’t. And usually it doesn’t bug me, but today, I guess I thought I could relax and fit in with the rest of the family, but I still feel...off,” Logan said.

Dee shrugged. “I felt that way for a while,” he admitted. “I thought the second I did something bad Dad and Ami would send me away. Because they’re good people and I’m me. But I screwed up, and they forgave me, and we moved on, and I’m still here. You do fit in, even if you don’t feel it. And it’s okay if you don’t feel it.”

Logan signed a quick “Thank you,” to Dee as Patton and Virgil ran over, giggling, and Roman and Dad were carrying trays with lunch behind them.

“That should be everyone’s lunch,” Dad said. “Now we just have to wait for Ami.”

Patton and Virgil giggled more and Roman grinned. Dee looked about as lost as Logan felt. “Did I miss something?” Logan asked.

“Dad told us what he and Ami got you for your adoption anniversary,” Roman said. “And we all agree you’re going to love it.”

“What is it?!” Dee asked frantically. Virgil whispered in his ear, so quietly that Logan couldn’t hear it. But Dee gasped loudly and held his hands over his mouth as he exclaimed, out loud, “Really?!”

Patton nodded. “Yeah! They decided they should kickstart it now, to help later on!”

Dee turned to Logan. “You’re gonna love it,” he signed, practically bouncing in his seat.

Logan felt a little stunned at the sheer energy at the table. This wasn’t fanfare, but it was attention, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Ami came over, with an envelope about the size to fit a greeting card. “Sorry for the wait, everybody!” Ami said. “There was no way I could just give the game away the second we came inside and I was holding this!” He passed it to Logan. “But you’re free to open it now.”

“Okay...?” Logan said, sliding his finger under the seal of the envelope.

Opening it, he saw it was indeed a greeting card. It said “Bye bye ta tas” on the front. He opened the card and his eyes widened in surprise. There were five twenty dollar bills residing in it, and when he took them out, the inside of the card said, “Hoping all goes well with your top surgery!”

“Maybe the card was a little preemptive, because obviously you’re not getting top surgery yet...” Ami said.

“...But we figured we could kickstart the fund to help you get there, since you’ve told us that’s the route you want to go,” Dad finished. “We told your grandparents our plan and they immediately contributed fifty dollars to the cause.”

“I...I don’t...” Logan swallowed. “I don’t know what to say. ‘Thank you’ doesn’t begin to cover it.”

“Say you accept, and maybe let us tell you there’s a jar at home with your name on it,” Ami said with a grin. “We want to support you in whatever way we can, Logan. And if we can help fund your top surgery, we’ll do it.”

“I...okay,” Logan said, still staring in shock at the card.

“Also, Logan, you might want to eat before your food gets cold,” Dad gently prompted.

Logan jolted upright like he had been shocked and nodded, putting the money back in the card with the envelope and the card on his lap. “Right. Good point. Thanks.”

Everyone started to eat, excitedly chatting. “That’s such a cool anniversary gift!” Patton exclaimed. “Helping to get top surgery! How much does that cost, anyway?”

“Like, a couple thousand dollars,” Roman said, pulling a face. “And that’s not counting what you have to pay the hospital, and the doctors beyond the surgeon, and the consultations. So a hundred bucks won’t get the entire thing done, but it’s a decent start.”

“Yeah,” Logan agreed softly. “It’s a long process, but I’ll get there.”

“I know you will,” Patton said, with all the certainty that he would use saying gravity existed. “Because you don’t let other people tell you what to do. You do what you want when it comes to your body. That’s super cool, and super brave.”

Logan tried not to feel choked up at that, and failed. He felt a few tears slip through his façade, but he let them fall. This was his family, they wouldn’t judge him for crying. Dee pat Logan’s leg softly and Logan laughed, giving Dee a quick, one-armed hug before going back to eating.

“Wait,” Virgil said. “Why do you need a surgeon to do that job?”

“Because breasts aren’t just fat,” Roman said. “They have veins and stuff and you could get hurt if you didn’t know what you’re doing. So you need a surgeon.”

“Oh,” Virgil said. He wrinkled his nose. “That’s still expensive, though.”

Logan sighed. “Yeah. But one day it’ll be worth it,” he nodded before continuing, “I’ll look like the man I was meant to be, and no one is going to take that away from me.”

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

also, dumb shit i’ve learned during my first year on t

-i can pass most of the time except for when i’m at work. i think that’s because customer service voice at my old job plus carryover work anxiety to my new job (i was borderline sexually harassed at my old job because i am trans, so i’m stealth at my new one, very anxious about anyone finding out, and VERY defensive when i get misgendered. perhaps to my detriment, but i always explain that it was the “running joke” at my old job that i “looked like a girl,” which is as true of a story as i can make it without telling my coworkers i’m trans. similarly, they think i’m having back surgery in december.)

-the only people who misgender me now are clueless people who see me without my binder on in like dining halls or some shit and adult women. actually, the amount of time i get misgendered by women between 30 and 60 has caused me so much anxiety around that demographic that my anxiety voice has probably increased the percentage of times they misgender me. even the bro-iest of broskis apologize profusely and turn red when they misgender me. (thanks nick ur a bro, i won’t drink 14 beers with u tho. maybe 2.) women between 30 and 60, or at the very least ones at my job seeing my customer-service persona? they just don’t seem to care, or can’t seem to remember. they either get defensive or give me the “oh you’re one of THOSE” stare. i can’t fucking stand it.

-on that note, i am tired of being called kira and karen. open your goddamn ears. kieran is not THAT uncommon of a name where you insist to your dull minds that a man is called kira or karen, 30-to-60-year-old-female-coworkers. jesus fucking christ on a bike. please. i am whole-ass begging you. when i spell or sound out my name for you, and you continually insist it’s karen, i have every right to be angry at you. i am very apprehensive around middle-aged women at my job now, which i am aware could be interpreted by them as sexist without the context for my anxiety, but the anxiety is there, despite me actively realizing it’s shitty and yikes-worthy. i need a fucking beard please.

-contrary to the last points, women in my own age demographic are much better than men at reading me as male. i predict that it’s because i’m not actively trying to get in their pants like most guys they interact with on a daily basis, they actually remember what the fuck my name is, and i’m less anxious around people my own age anyways so my voice is deeper. men my age may read me as female more because i don’t have facial hair and i make “i hate men” jokes with my female friends all the time. this is all theoretical, but it’s interesting to realize that the gender who misgenders me more is different for different generations. is there a study on this? should i do one myself?

-on the beard note, i gave in and bought minoxidil. will it work? possibly not. do i just need facial hair like yesterday to make up for my slight bone structure and small head? yes, so i am willing to drop $23 on a six-month supply of that shit for the gamble that it will work. i frankly don’t care if i’m out $23 because of it later, at least i tried. and considering all the results i’ve seem from trans guys (even those who are pre-t!!) with minoxidil beards, i have faith that it will work at least somewhat well. besides, i need an excuse to take better care of my skin and stop scratching my zits open during the day. this will probably have multiple benefits.

-you know, i don’t even WANT a beard, i just feel like i NEED one. ideally i want like a 5 o’clock shadow but i’ll probably end up having a beard for a bit just to enforce that i’m male whenever my fucking facial hair grows in. i don’t like how this means i’m conforming to societal standards of masculinity, but you know what? sometimes, you ahve to do what you have to do in order to feel safe and comfortable in your own skin. being trans is like walking a tightrope sometimes. i think in general most of the trans people i know agree that gender roles are stupid, but there are enough radical “fuck gender roles entirely i’ll do what i want who cares if i pass” people and enough “i can’t understand why amab trans people would want to keep their facial hair/penis or why afab trans people would still want to wear makeup and dresses” that i feel like i’m an odd one out for not agreeing with either side entirely. i’ll never be caught dead in makeup or a dress, but i also wear neon pink cat socks and don’t bind all the time. i feel like no matter what i do it’s still problematic to SOME trans person somewhere, and most of me doesn’t really care but some part of me thinks it’s stupid that me desiring to pass is problematic to some people or that me owning neon pink cat socks is problematic to some people. i’ve been distancing myself from the online trans community because of it.

-my mother and i had a talk about how she treated me during my transition, and it was a lot to handle. i don’t really wanna write out a whole paragraph about it right now because it’s still a lot to process, but i am in the process of deciding how much i want to let her back into my life or if i want to continue to keep her at a distance. i think i’ll have a better idea about that after thanksgiving or christmas break (she’ll be taking care of me post-surgery, and she was hurt that i was afraid to ask her to - but it made sense to be afraid considering she had such awful reactions to things as simple as my name change, you know?) idk. we’ll see where that ends up. we’re never going to be close, but we may end up being less far apart.

-i’ve been in a depressive/executive dysfunction episode for the past like month, and not only am i failing my classes but i’ve been wearing the same like 6 shirts and 1 baggy sweatshirt and 4 pairs of basketball shorts. i regularly wear my shower shoes out (they’re just flip flops, but still) because putting on socks takes more energy than i have. the plus side is they make me look masculine, the downside is i look like literal shit almost 24/7 and someone should really force me to do laundry. if you’re reading this and you know me irl, actually please text me/fb message me and yell at me to do laundry.

-all the negative experiences i’ve had being trans no longer make me want true trans soul rebel tattooed over my top surgery scars. sorry, laura jane grace, your music saved my life and i have failed you because i am weak and want to be stealth. maybe i’ll incorporate it into the t-shot date tattoo that i’m getting on my left thigh where i had my first t-shot. 

-that being said, i can’t be stealth ~yet~ outside of work because too many people already know, so i’m still wearing the iconic “i have no tits��� shirt i got from wish for a whole 71 cents plus shipping to pride next time i go. (i wear it now for fun too and it makes a pretty excellent sports bra for under The Baggy Hoodie, believe it or not lmao.)

-THAT being said, i live with three men. my roommate definitely knows i’m trans bc he’s one of the first people i came out to irl, my one suitemate might know i’m trans but i can’t remember if he remembers, and my third suitemate (who is terrible and gross and i hate living with him because he leaves rotting food in the bathroom sink) does NOT know i’m trans. i was in the bathroom literally topless, with a towel around my waist and a towel over my neck/shoulders (and therefore covering my titties), and he didn’t bat an eye. my roommate saw the two of us silently coexisting in the bathroom and tried very, very hard to stifle his laughter at the situation. next semester after i have surgery, i’ll probably continue doing that for a while till i heal more, but eventually just be like “oh yeah i had ugly scars and now look at them they’re baby” lmao

-yeah that’s it for now i’ll add more if i think some

[askhastur]

Hey, just a tiny question for OP: why do you use she/her pronouns for Hastur sometimes?

That’s a great question. :) I actually use she/her exclusively. If I haven’t in places, it’s because I’ve made a mistake. As a genderfluid person who still really struggles to figure out my relationship with gender, I’m not sure how to voice my own thoughts on myself half the time. So I may very well make a hash of this explanation too. Please be patient with me. I’m happy to answer any other questions you may have about my own sense of gender or Hastur’s--well, to the best of my ability :).I like using she/her because it’s unexpected, for one thing. Nearly everyone I’ve seen uses he/him (or in some rare cases they/them) for Hastur. I don’t find that offensive at all, and people are free to use any pronouns they want for any character they want. (I’m not even going to get pissy if people use other pronouns for Hastur when asking questions. As much as I love playing her, she’s fictional, so you really can’t misgender her. And her understanding of gender is so different from humans’ that I don’t think it really would be possible to misgender her, in her mind.)Having Hastur use “feminine” pronouns, to me, tips over the idea of what people in binarist societies (which is to say most of them these days) think of as male and female. We simply don’t like to think of anyone with any connection to womanhood as being anything like Hastur: dirty, foul-tempered “masculine,” obscene, sadistic, conventionally unattractive, scarred, etc. When people coded as feminine do get to be horrible people, they almost always have to be sexy or at least pretty in some way. Or, if they’re not, then their femininity gets caricatured (think Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter) or stripped away entirely (the Trunchbull from Matilda--a great character but definitely a “virago” stereotype).Hastur doesn’t obey either of these rules. She doesn’t have to be pretty or sexy in a conventional way (I think she’s hella sexy). She doesn’t have to be consistent in her femininity. She doesn’t even have to feel feminine if she doesn’t want to. But I like the idea that she can be if she wishes and that doing so doesn’t mean she has to be put in a box. For example, she can bludgeon a sinner to death with a tire iron, have a good long smoke of whatever hellish substance she’s consuming today, then wander off to the MAC counter in a mall to try on the latest lipstick--which she applies with precision that would make a YouTuber who specializes in makeup tutorials applaud--or envy. She doesn’t feel the need to fit any definition of feminine. But if someone asked her to try to explain her gender identity in human terms--and she was feeling generous and not stabby--she would probably just shrug and say that she does what she likes, is who she is, and doesn’t feel the need to match up to any particular standard. But she/her just feels right.I guess this all draws a lot from my own experience. I use she/her pronouns and am DFAB (described female at birth, if that term is unfamiliar), but few people call me feminine. I’d also prefer that they didn’t. I don’t feel feminine at all, either, and I’m kind of upset when people try to call me that. I particularly get upset when people try to order me around into meeting their standard of femininity. For example, I wear dresses and skirts for comfort, but not frilly, fancy ones or ones that emphasize my shape. I absolutely despise “women’s T-shirts.” My clothing is utilitarian. I only wear makeup every so often when I want to see what the colors look like against my skin. I wear scents that run the gamut from dainty florals to “masculine” spices. I don’t shave any part of my body.But I’m not a man. Nor am I masculine-spec. Nor do I fit what people tend to think of when they say “androgynous.” (For one thing, I am not a skinny, boyish person with short hair.) I share enough experiences in common with women (though not all experiences) to be fine with being considered one--even if some days that “fine” is more begrudging than others. I just sort of am what I am, and can’t always explain that. And Hastur is what she is and can’t always explain that, either, when asked to talk about gender in human terms.In summary: She/her Hastur is fun and interesting to me and explores human gender (which, lbr, is the only understanding we humans can have of gender at this point in time) in ways I haven’t seen explored very often. I hope that at least explains what we’re doing in a way that makes a little bit of sense.  

Hastur: Well, this is all very well and good, I guess. Gonna go see what fall colors MAC’s released.

[midnight-fox-boy]

So I didnt think this really upset me but it did.

For Halloween I want to cross dress. I'm going to be a rainbow demon. I got a rainbow long haired wig, a rainbow tutu, rainbow demon horns, and I have a rainbow tail from this last pride.

In a group I'm in on Facebook, I posted a picture of me in the yet to be styled wig and a picture of the display image that came with the package, asking for tips on how to style wigs.

One of the first comments was "how can you cross drees if you're a girl"

I said I wasn't girl so therefore i can cross dress. I didn't even say i was FTM and they were like "how can a ftm dress as a girl " which sounds like innocent ignorance , right? Well it got worse.

They went on to say that I look like a girl and asked "if your a dude where's ur mustache" (which made me laugh) but I guess that hurt the most is that even though I've been on testosterone for two years, I dont pass. That somehow my worth is determined by how well I pass.

Now I'm honestly scared to do my costume on Halloween and like I made a huge mistake. I feel like utter shit and just wanted to have fun and mess with my presentation for /one night/

They even asked if I "had a deep voice to pull it off" I was open to the idea that id likely get misgendered for presenting feminine. Because it's Halloween and a part of dressing up isn't being I guess... Looking like yourself??

I didn't want to go as a superhero, or a murderer, vampire, etc. I wanted to do something unique and a costume that I could put together myself.

But now I'm discouraged, because it's true..I don't pass. I still get misgendered in public. There are things I can never change that influence how I'm gendered (my height, my stature, my personality being more androgynous)

And honestly I haven't felt this dysphoric in quite a bit. Usually I mainly feel social dysphoria because testosterone helped my confidence a lot. It feels like this journey is for nothing. That ill never be viewed as the real me. That no one will take me seriously as a gay man. I can't help that testosterone didn't give me a full on beard by 8 months. I can't help that I'm horribly short. And I hate it!

I wish it didn't matter to me if I passed or not. I wish I had no sex dyaphoria. But I do. Ill never have "male" genitals. Bottom surgery is just way too risky. I plan to get top surgery but I don't know when that will be... But it likely won't help how much I pass.

This is basically a rant, because I feel so fucking horrible about myself. I'm tired of being told what I can and can't be.

I'm tired of being told I don't pass. I'm tired of being called a trender despite being on testosterone and having all my legal shit changed to male and my /real/ name. I'm tired of being told I can't do what cis men can do because i don't pass. I'm tired of being told I can't be gay because I'm not a cis dude and don't have a penis. I'm tired of being told that trans men cant want to have babies. I have the parts right now and really want a biological child, so why shouldn't I? Yeah it'll be dysphoric but the outcome is a gorgeous child that will be loved unconditionally. I'm tired of being scared to leave my home without my family because so many of us are murdered or beat up because we don't pass 100%. Why can't I just...be a man, living my life??

My fucking family and boy friend are totally fine with my costume idea, so why does it hurt me when strangers have a problem? They don't matter.

I guess it was just a painful reminder that I may never truly pass. My voice can be read as a masculine feminine voice or androgynous. My body still has curves that I desperately try to hide. People still know how how I was born and my dead name..and I cant change that. I cant just pack up and move away. I can't just drastically change how I look. People my boyfriend know remembered me instantly...just by looking at me. His friends who never met me thought I was a girl... I don't know what to do other than just hide in my house forever.

I just want to be seen as me. I just want to be happy and forget that I was ever (dead name).

But I can't. It doesn't work that way.😩

Sorry for this long rant. I just feel like crying and doing nothing. I don't even have the motivation to do my school work today, let alone give my boyfriend attention and my new dog :(

[destroyyourbinder]

rethinking butch while doing my laundry in buckets at 8 PM

You know, I never thought there would be anything on this earth that could make me re-think my commitment to pants over skirts and dresses, a vow I had made to myself over and over again since my childhood days of being crammed into tights and lace, but doing my laundry in a series of five gallon buckets in the bathtub of our dingy apartment was it.

I was thinking yesterday, while staring into our shared closet and remembering when I had a purple closet full of clothes that I had to tug at, clothes that I tried to ignore that they existed even when I was wearing them, that I probably haven't worn a skirt outside of a Halloween costume in almost fifteen years. When I moved out of my parents' house I ditched my last one, a vintage skirt that had always stayed on its hanger, part of a pair with a yellow blazer that I had loved but didn't fit anymore. I felt vindicated, but a bit lost, as if a high school presentation was going to leap out of the void at any time and make me regret my decision. I didn't bring any skirts with me here, to the city; it felt daring and somehow pathetic at the same time, a sign of how stunted my life had been that it seemed like a bold move at all. It was a tiny hop into the deep end of a lesbian kiddie pool. Skirts do lurk around the corner at any old thrift store, but somehow I felt like there was no going back; I had banished them, and they would not return.

My girlfriend and I share most of our clothes, as we're close in size-- she's a bit broader, I'm a bit taller-- and our clothing tastes are pretty similar. She has her favorites, and I have mine, and we don't tend to share pants or shoes due to the particulars of how we wear them out, but the rest are a big indeterminately owned mass of potential dress options. The thing is is that she's supposed to be a "man"; she still lives a life where she doesn't tell people she's detransitioned, generally, and most people take her to be outright male or a trans man. I'm not supposed to be a man; I don't pass except maybe from afar and behind, and I assume I mostly come across as tired and dumpy and gay. I don't really know if people notice that our shirts and shorts and socks swap between and across us. Maybe they're too confused by the other things going on with us to see that one. When we worked together doing early morning stocking we used to fuck with people, we'd switch our jackets and hats every so often and see who we could fool, which was way too many people at way too close a range for a pair of human beings supposed to be at the opposite poles of Gender. Nobody was particularly apologetic about it either when they mistook us, even though that kind of outright misgendering is supposed to be a major faux pas. They usually just laughed in a way that indicated that, well, of course. I laugh in the same way when people tell me that Trans Men are Men, that everyone treats them just like any other male person, that nobody knows they aren't male, that they never experienced sexism and never will, that the gap between them and A Woman is incomprehensibly large. A waiter's never handed me the check at the diner when I was out with a dude, but they do it all the time when I'm with my girlfriend, and then she has to use the men's room after dinner.

I've somehow gotten more "masculine" since I stopped seeing myself as transgender, which I think might surprise people who know nothing about the process of desisting or reidentifying or detransition, but doesn't surprise women who have been through this. I feel a lot less neurotic about wearing men's clothes, about buzzing my hair off, about being hairy elsewhere and not hiding it, about stepping out into the world as an unacceptable female person, uncontained and unbridled, edging in on men's turf. The stakes aren't quite as high, now, honestly, even though they're higher than they have been before. I don't have my family to fall back on if I lose my job due to being an unrepentant dyke, but now that I'm not in her house, I don't worry about my mother discovering my secrets, including that I'm not the daughter she wanted me to be. I'm scared to go out after 7 PM if I can't sufficiently cover up the fact that I'm female, but my entire sense of self worth isn't riding on whether or not someone perceives my ham-handed attempts at not-being-female correctly. I worry about my rent, but I don't worry about where exactly it is men pull up their socks to on their legs, and I don't worry about whether I'm not really worthy of living if I can't do it right, because I don't worry about if I'm not really a man or just a fuck-up of a woman, and I don't worry about whether or not a fuck-up of a woman is the worst thing I could possibly be. Well, I worry about it sometimes, still, because it matters to other people, even if I don't think it matters to me. But I've stopped trying to compensate for my fuck-ups by wearing the right earrings with my undercut, or hiding my breasts under a binder, hidden under a blouse. I can leave the house without having twenty thousand insecurities about the masculinity or femininity of my leg hair growth pattern or the color-contrast of my lips. So I leave the house in shit my nine year old self would probably appreciate: a flannel, a shirt with a cat on it, yellow pants with functioning pockets. I try to take stupid thoughts about whether the pocket style of said pants makes my butt look girly the same way I took my skirts, which is to chuck them out in honor of living a life without gender neuroses.

They always say that gender is culturally contextual, limited to time and place, and while we all pay lip service to that in some way or another when we get mad that our favorite historical figure got parsed as one thing or another, I think we all like to think we would be butch lesbians or trans men or whatever it is we are in another life, that we probably wouldn't have ended up like our great-grandmothers but something like female husbands, passing soldiers and sailors, instead. I spent a lot of time as a kid wondering why the hell girls did this or that, wasn't it harder, it's so stupid; I felt so betrayed when I hit middle school, and everyone was tripping over their purses, pursed lips in candy-sparkle lipgloss, on the way to idolize boys. I wanted to be among boys, I wanted to be a boy, somehow at the same time I thought girls were stupid for admiring them in the other way. I think a lot of us carry this into adulthood; we figure femininity's a bunch of dumb crap we can't be bothered to do, and besides we're unsuited for it, constitutionally incapable of hoisting a tube of fabric above our pooch. We escaped from it because we kept our heads (non) straight or maybe because it wicked off us like pink droplets on a Teflon pan, which we definitely use to make burgers with and not cute hors d’oeuvres. We know what a dress means and how it works, and we know how it makes us feel, and we know we would never wear it, not on a desert island nor to our sister's wedding.

After washing my clothes in a bucket, I don't think you should do disservice to your grandmothers like that. I had to sit on one of my other buckets-- there are three in this clothes washing system-- and think for a bit about what the hell I was doing with all this gender and anti-gender shit, what the fuck I was doing with my life at all. Because the thought I had, which surprised me, was that pants are fucking bullshit. They're fucking bullshit when you wash your clothes by hand, which is what generations of women did before me. My value system got turned upside down; I spent my whole life thinking skirts and dresses were frilly nonsense, floofery intended to hold women back from participating in the world, an "easy access" hole to parts I didn't want to exist. And it's not like that isn't true: women's dresses and skirts have been artificially cumbersome throughout history, full of engineered contraptions to enhance women's decorative-sexual living-pornography value, whether literally stuffed with metal cages and yards of fluff or whether tightly drafted to form a second skin. When you can't fucking sit down or lift your legs or bend over it's a problem, when your teeth chatter in the winter on your way to school it's a problem, when you can't be a lawyer or a senator without wearing the appropriate kind of Leg Tube it's a problem. It was a problem when my mom put me in a velvet thing that rested just above my knees, and I wasn't allowed to play or even spread my legs while I was in it, lest I render myself an obscene five year old girl. But the Leg Tube isn't the problem, it's all the other shit, and I had never taken that seriously, never really dug into it, until I had to confront the inconvenience of manually sloshing around my pants for ten minutes.

I had confused symbolism for reality. I thought I was done with that, over that, now that I was out of the trans shit. I was living in some patriarchal dollhouse, and I had thought I busted out, but now I'm in another one, better maybe, but just as artificial, because the grass being greener over here all hinged on having a washing machine. When do I get to leave? I am suddenly afraid I'll spend my life in an infinite nested universe of misogynist fuckery, having existential crises about the fridge or maybe the carpet next.

I guess my girlfriend and I got into what you might call "urban homesteading" by accident. We didn't set out to do this out of convictions or philosophy, it was mostly because we were cheap, and also we're lazy in a certain kind of baffling ADHD way where it's easier to make a curtain with your two damn hands than navigate thirty, fifty pages of advertising-merchandising to find one that will ship to your house for not-sixteen-dollars . Car insurance in this town is absurd, so we just don't have a vehicle. We also don't turn on the heat in the winter, or the air conditioning in the summer. We bake bread, make yogurt, make shampoo, wash out and reuse plastic zipper bags, don't flush the toilet for stretches of time. Clothes get patches upon patches, breadcrumbs go in a jar, there are lots of systems for a lot of things that nobody really thinks about anymore. My dad told me his family used to sleep on the porch of their farmhouse in the summer; I can't do that here, but it comes to mind anyway. He was from that kind of people where you did it yourself or you didn't do it at all, German farm folk born in nineteen-oh-something; my mom was from people that didn't do it at all, her father too drunk to give a shit, her mother feeding her seven kids out of cans. There's a weird mix of shame and pride when you end up doing your laundry in buckets, dual gene lines, dual angel-devils sitting on my shoulders: someone clapping me on the back for my resourcefulness, a job well done, and someone asking me why the hell I stooped to this when there's a washer in the basement, didn't I work hard so you didn't have to live this way.

We saw it on YouTube and thought we could save some money on electricity or water because our landlord isn't going to replace our 30-plus years old washing machine anytime soon. I thought maybe doing it in the buckets would help my busted brain a little, 'cause I could do it every couple days, fifteen minutes at a time, instead of in big piles once a week. I like shit I can touch or otherwise it doesn't feel real, I can't keep track of it, it feels like the sort of work women with tight lips and long nails do and they make their lips tighter when I can’t hack it. There could be a system, tangible, clothes I can see in places where they belong, hands on a plunger pushing soap and water and fabric up and down, you can tell if they got clean yet or not if you open the lid. I don't like dumping them in a machine, an unknown hole of productivity, input-output, assembly line nonsense. I'm not productive anyway, so what do I care?

When you're doing your laundry by hand like this something occurs to you, which is that this is a lot of work, and maybe you don't want to be doing this all the time, so you should be careful with how dirty your clothes get. I realized real quick I wasn't going to be doing this every day, and that it would be wasteful, worse than the water usage of some old-ass washer to try. You start realizing how dumb it is to wear your clothes once and only once before you wash them, as you plunge up and down, up and down. It occurs to you that ten minutes is a pretty long amount of time, even though you're in your late twenties and winter just showed up again and you keep wondering where the hell the time goes anymore. You start resenting how stupid and arbitrary it is that you're supposed to be squeaky clean in public, that stains and wear are unacceptable, that they mean anything at all about anybody except that they live a life and entropy exists. You think that if you have to put this much arm power into washing your clothes, then how much power has to go into a damn washer, and you start thinking about the arms that shovel coal out of the ground, into rail-cars, into boilers. You start getting real mad about how much shit the world puts people through just so clothes can get clean and floors can get clean and skin can get clean and nothing will look like it's ever been touched except by a very conscientious housewife. Your brain starts contriving things while your arms are going, like some wild-haired inventor, like maybe if you had an underlayer of clothing all the time you could just wash that and the outer layer would be allowed to get dirty for a while. Brilliant! And then you feel stupid because well, that's what we always did until you could dump your shit into an electric machine, and then they raised the standards to keep women busy doing something they didn't need to do. It occurs to you that pants are dumb because they're heavy and sopping wet, one big lump of fabric, and you can't wear an underlayer unless it's really cold outside. It occurs to you that pants are not worth it unless you are doing certain kinds of manual labor all the time or you need to protect your legs. You understand why the women in YouTube videos about washing your clothes in buckets are really mad at their husbands and sons, and some generational rage takes hold of your arms as you agitate the clothes in the bucket. Why do men get to be dirty in their stupid pants. Why do women have to clean them. You never want to hear anybody talk about fashion ever again. You never want to hear anybody talk about the gender of clothes again unless they've wrung out denim in anger and they're willing to wring a man's neck the same. Now you get to drain the bucket. Now you get to refill the bucket with clean water and agitate again. Now you get to drain the bucket and press the water out of your clothes with the full bucket. Now you get to hang up your clothes over your tub.

When I stopped seeing myself as transgender I told myself I would consider very carefully the value of anything I did, and I would let practicality and ethics dictate my life rather than sucking up to gender, to men, to the women pandering to them and afraid I wasn't going to. It's taken me some wild places, for real, and I didn't think it would take me to a place where I was questioning wearing pants. But given this, I find myself all the same cringing at wearing a skirt or something else other than those damn pants, other than the thing that men wear and women fought for, willing to violate my newfound guiding forces... and for what? Butch cred? Womanly pride? Can't I just shove it all in the washing machine and stop thinking about this? Do I need to live in the woods to tie something around my waist and get on with my life? If I've learned anything there's really nothing neutral when it comes to gender shit, and no matter how far you get in processing the patriarchy there's always something else at the bottom of a bucket, a broom, a sink strainer. How many years worth of women have had these thoughts while scrubbing something, however they cut their fucking hair? I try to focus more on that these days, rather than what I call myself or what pronoun I use. My grandmother, my mother, all those girls in my class who I thought were big idiots, the women out there bigger and badder and butcher than me, the trans men I envied for living in my dream world, all these female people I defined myself against all these years, we all end up here, staring into a drain, hoping the man won't crush us. When does it end? I want it to end. I'm done spinning my head in circles about the cut of my jeans, whether I wear jeans at all, and I hope you are too.

[nonbeenary]

y’know i stopped having issues with being misgendered after the first year or so of testosterone, and i haven’t had a problem since until about 6 months ago when i started feeling comfortable enough to wear feminine clothes. now all of a sudden because i’m in crop tops and leggings, people close to me (not just random strangers) who for the past two years have been calling me ‘he’ with no hesitation are suddenly struggling with he/she again even though i have a full beard, no tits, and a man’s voice. and it’s apparently supposed to be my fault for dressing this way?? wearing a crop top doesn’t make me any less of a man, it makes me a cute man. but i’ve realized that it has nothing to do with what i’ve gone through to get here, people are still gonna stereotype and misgender and force masculine/feminine societal norms on me whether i’m presenting physically male or not. and honestly i’m tired.

[enby-angel]

Gendery rant

Soooo I’m having a lil bit of a discussion with myself here. If this gets flagged I s2g.

Recently I decided I don’t really want to have too many labels because they’re confusing to both me and others. Once I loved finding new labels that fitted me better and better but eventually I got tired of it. So for now I’ve settled on just calling myself an a-spec non-binary queer person that uses they/them pronouns, and that’s that.

I identify as non-binary regarding gender. I don’t identify as male or female.

As far as presentation goes, it varies. I love being feminine some days, wearing makeup and dresses and heels. Other days I love being masculine, in button-ups and jeans and no makeup and slightly tighter crop tops. Sometimes I wear stuff that makes me look androgynous.

However, when it comes to my body, I am physically female and proud of that. I am proud of my boobs and my hips and my legs and everything else, even if my boobs get annoying. I find myself identifying as female and a woman when it comes to my body, and I honestly don’t mind if I’m misgendered (she/her). Sure, some days it makes me feel really uncomfortable but I’ve learned to live with that and most of the time it doesn’t bother me.

I was raised by supportive parents that love me and support whatever decisions I make regarding my identity. They’ve supported me dating a girl and a boy. They accept my queerness, even if they don’t understand it all. I love dancing and performing and flaunting my body on stage, and I love dancing in both feminine and masculine ways - mostly feminine in ballet and contemporary, and masculine in hip hop.

I’ve come to the point where I’ve confused myself. I don’t mind my body (even if I’m a bit more overweight than I’d like to be, but I blame a long-term injury for that) and I love being seen as a woman that’s not afraid to stand up for herself. I don’t mind being misgendered because I wasn’t raised in a family or a place where being a female was a bad thing. Being a female is different from being a male, yes, but I’ve never been treated as less because of it.

Maybe that’s it. Even though I don’t identify as female in regards to gender, I do identify as female when it comes to my body. Not just AFAB, but female. A woman.

I understand that my life regarding my identity has been much, much easier than others, even taking into account my mental illnesses and such that are mean to me when others aren’t. But even though it’s been easier than others doesn’t mean it hasn’t been hard in its own way, right?

Right?

I’m proud to be female and I’m proud to have a female body, even if I don’t identify as such. Even if sometimes I hate it and sometimes it doesn’t agree with me nor I with it, I’m trying to come to my peace with my body. I don’t want to change it. I’m happy with it.

So yes, I’ll introduce myself with they/them pronouns and put they/them on my resume, but I don’t mind if people see me and automatically assume I’m female, because that’s just how people are raised and I’m okay with that. Why would people assume I’m non-binary? It’s totally fine by me.

I don’t encourage active misgendering, of course. If I tell you my pronouns I’d like you to use them properly. If it’s an accident and you forget and use the wrong ones, but apologise when I correct you, no harm done. But if you actively ignore my pronouns - or other people’s - then you need to take a good hard look at yourself.

Genitals don’t always equal gender identity, that is true.

But sometimes, they are a part of someone’s personal identity. My body is certainly a part of who I am, and I embrace that.

I guess that’s it for now.

[mercurialsmile]

Any tips on writing nonbinary characters? Like, any 'do's and 'don't's? I really wanna get it right, so I thought I'd ask someone who actually identifies as nonbinary :)

Any tips on writing nonbinary/trans characters?

I got two asks for this (maybe from the same person?) and it’s taken me some time to write an answer since this is such a broad... question. 

Thing is, nonbinary is both a gender in and of itself but also kinda an umbrella term? Since you also have people who are agender, bigender, genderfluid, etc. who would also technically fall under the umbrella, but don’t call themselves nonbinary since that’s not the label they want, and since the latter labels are a lot more... specific. 

Non-binary simply means that someone identifies as a gender outside the binary of man and woman and that’s it. 

There’s also the fact that I’m pretty sure I have some opinions other nonbinary people wouldn’t agree with (for example, I dislike neopronouns. Xir/Xe and Zie/Zir are the only ones that’s pronounceable to me. And I straight up dislike nounself pronouns and actively avoid people who only use nounself pronouns since to me, they are. Too hard and complicated to use. I remember reading a really good post on why nounself pronouns are linguistically incorrect in English and how to properly format them to be correct, but I dunno where that post is now) which is also why I have been hesitant about this.

Also it’s a complex... hmm thing. So yeah.

I think the first thing to ALWAYS remember when writing a minority character is that their status as a minority is not their only trait. Don’t use cliches. Don’t make them one-dimensional and make an enby’s entire personality revolving around the fact they’re enby. It’s othering, at least to me, and just plain bad writing. 

Another thing is, even tho I wish there were more books out there about being enby (are there any really out there at all?) for the most part I think cis authors should be careful and kinda tread around writing about an enby’s life and being enby. Unless you have done a shit ton of research, know exactly what you’re doing, and have talked to multiple different enbys (and not just over text either), I would merely have the character. Be there.

1) it’s a lot easier who wants to do all that research?? 

2) still counts as rep (as long as it’s positive)

So how do you write (possibly?) positive rep for a enby character? Let’s go back to pronouns. The most versatile and acceptable pronouns for enby people is they/them tbh. It’s completely gender-neutral. There are enby people who use gendered pronouns as well (She/her, he/him, maybe they use all three!) but writing-wise, it would be easiest to keep to one set of pronouns to make the writing easier to read. I dunno about anyone else, but I for sure would get tripped up and confused if a character’s pronouns change throughout a book. (Maybe it can be written well idk but I don’t think I’d like it personally sorry) so for the most part? I suggest just sticking with they/them. It’s the easiest to write. 

Also, I suggest to never call your enby characters “it”. Yes, some irl enbys like “it” as a pronoun, but to most it’s dehumanizing, so it’s best to avoid it I think. 

Interestingly enough, even tho they/them is the easiest to write with, it can also be a little tricky at times! Sometimes you’ll have to format sentences differently so readers can understand the difference between the singular and plural forms of they/them. Personally, it’s a fun writing exercise to me! So if anything, writing about an enby character can actually help stretch some different writing muscles so to speak. 

And speaking of pronouns, never ever have the narration misgender the character. Never. Hell, usually, I don’t even have characters or even the VILLAINS of my books misgender characters. And my reasoning behind this is: I dislike using transphobia/enbyphobia as a tool to show a villain is evil--their actions alone in the novel should be enough. And two: if even the evilest of villains aren’t transphobic... that says a lot to me. It speaks VOLUMES and is a lot more powerful of an (unsaid) statement then having your villains be transphobes. (but that’s just my opinion ofc!!) 

Now, to me, if you’re just writing about a enby side character, I would just have them. Be there. Not misgendered, everyone regarding them using the proper pronouns, and avoiding gendered language (which can be hard as it is hardwired into us without us even knowing, for instance!) so make sure you edit accordingly. 

Also, and I think this should be OBVIOUS by now, but PLEASE do not write a “forced coming out” scene. Like, where the cis character walks in on an enby character changing clothes or whatever. Like. That is. So over with and done. Ik that terrible trope fits trans men/women characters better, but I think it’s still important to say here, esp if you’re writing an enby character who tries to pass as the opposite of their birth gender or binds/stuffs/packs/etc at all. It’s uncomfortable, possibly triggering, and honestly? Super cliche. It’s bad writing, my friend. 

And whether or not you want to make the direct statement that they are an enby is kinda up to you? There’s arguments for and against it. If you can fit it into the story safely without making anything clunky, go for it! You can either have the character themselves tell someone how they identify, or maybe they’re being introduced and they ask the person they are introducing themselves to to use “they/them” since they are an enby. I’m sure there are other, more creative ways to do this, but yeah. This specific topic is super situational so I would have a sensitivity reader (or two!) to read over what you write to make sure it’s okay. 

Okay the last thing I’m gonna talk about is character description. Ignoring the fact I personally am terrible at it, there’s a kinda huge divide here. 

For one, a lot of authors and I think enby people in general don’t want others to know their birth gender, which is understandable. And with writing, there isn’t any visual clues besides what you write down. The world is your oyster, you can have your character look like anything, the reader won’t know the birth gender unless you use gendered language. 

The tricky thing is this, tho: the stereotypical enby person/character is someone who is skinny white and vaguely masculine. I, personally, despise this stereotype with my whole being. Imo, enby people can dress and look however they want. Clothes are just fabrics we put onto our flesh bodies. If girls can enjoy pants and boys can like dresses and skirts, then enbys can dress however they want to as well. That’s a freedom I think everyone should have. Clothes don’t dictate gender. Enby people also can’t control what they look like. Some people.. just won’t ever be able to pass as androgynous (unless they Really Work at it, like me!!) and it’s unfair to them I think as well. 

That being said, writing an enby with feminine clothing, for example, will probably have your reader think of them as DFAB, unfortunately, unless you are really careful.

Other things that can make your reader think of an enby’s birth gender: describing them having to wear a bra or having a period, describing if they have to shave their face or not or how much facial hair they grow, describing their genitalia AT ALL, describing them with certain face/body shapes, describing their hair length (possibly), if they wear a binder or stuff a bra or pack, describing if they wear makeup and the list can go on. 

Some people would think you should avoid this completely, which is why vaguely masculine is what people go for. it’s the typical androgynous look (which isn’t bad pe se and I don’t wanna insult anyone who looks like that!) but imo what would be more normalizing and important is to have enby characters look how they want, choose if they wanna wear a binder or not, if they wear makeup, and etc. 

Some people might thing the above is completely fine and that it’s important to show anyone can be enby and you’re still valid as an enby even if you might not “pass” for instance or don’t try your best to conceal certain secondary sex characteristics. Others might think you should make your enby characters as androgynous as possible, even in the stereotypical way. 

Which view is right? Dammed if I know, and I don’t think one is or not. But it is something to think about. I think the stereotypical response to a cis author would be to go with the safest option and allow enby authors write about enby characters breaking gender roles, but honestly, it is your character. Whether you make your enby character vaguely masculine to avoid those pitfalls or go balls to the walls and do whatever you want because enbys can dress and look how they want fuck you all is up to you. Do what you think your character would do and design them to match their personality. I don’t think people should be boxed into what sort of characters they are allowed to make. 

And don’t be afraid to make mistakes. It’s okay if you fuck something up by accident or are accidentally insensitive. And honestly? Groups of people aren’t a hivemind. No matter how good your representation is, there will be someone who disagrees with you and thinks you didn’t “write it correctly”

all I can say is: learn as much as you can, always strive to keep learning and listening, and do the best you can. You can’t succeed if you don’t try and you can’t learn without making a few mistakes along the way. 

(And as for trans characters... I myself am not a trans man/woman so idk how to best say what not to do, but I think it follows the same as above for the most part? I’d ask the opinion of a trans man or woman first rather than an enby like me, as even I have fucked up writing about my trans woman character in the past. I’ve learned a lot since then, but I think I am still learning and would rather not educate someone on a topic such as that. Also this post is already long and I am Tired of writing about this topic lol) 

I rambled a lot as usual and I am so so sorry. It’s late and this was SUCH a broad question I didn’t?? Really know how to answer so YEAH SORRY if this is no help at all!! I tried my best!!

[rileymcdaniels]

I'm not hating, I'm just desperate to know if someone like how I want to be exists: Do you "look" nonbinary??? like I see heaps of people saying that "oh, ppl will accept ur name and pronouns!" but I don't care about that, I just want to transition to look male and female at the same time and still be able to get a job... anyway good luck to u in any case, I hope this doesn't sound bitter I just want to know if I can ever b true to myself :(

I think the first thing to remember, anon, is that there’s no such thing as “looking” nonbinary -- if you’re nonbinary, then you look nonbinary, and just because the cis normies don’t get that doesn’t mean that it’s any less true. That being said, I know what you mean.

I like to think I look pretty androgynous, at least from the shoulders up. My body is, to my disappointment, unmistakably biologically female. But from the shoulders up, the androgyny is too strong. I’ll reblog a selfie I took earlier today to prove it xD 

I think what helps us out, anon, is that androgyny is really fashionable right now. It’s a double-edged sword because then it means that people might still see us as a gender that we’re not, but it means that it’s more acceptable to dress in a way that’s a mix of feminine and masculine clothes. Sure, in some of the more conservative professions (BigLaw, I’m looking at you), there are still people who believe in very strict binary gender performance, but fuck those people. So I think you’ll find that dressing in a neutral way likely won’t be a reason you don’t get a job. I mean, take me for example: to my interview for my summer internship, I wore suit trousers, a dress shirt, a sweater, dress shoes, and a tie, and I carried a leather satchel, all of which were intended for men. And I still got the gig. 

Being true to yourself isn’t easy; it’s hard work, but it’s work that’s worth doing. It’s going to look different for you than it looks for me because we’re both individuals with our own journeys to take. For me, what helped was that I made the decision before I entered a whole new academic and professional world that I was going to be myself. No matter the consequences. I had already worked jobs where I was in the closet, and it sucked. Every time someone unknowingly misgendered me sucked so hard. And since law is going to be my Career(TM), I don’t want it to be hard like that. It’s already hard enough lmao

So I think it comes down to decisions you make for yourself. It’s scary, and I know I can’t always sustain it. Some days I don’t correct people on my pronouns because it’s exhausting. Some days, I just keep my head down and get through the day. But it’s a choice you make every day to be yourself, even if you can’t always maintain the strength to face the transphobia everyday. 

The best advice I can give you is find an older trans person who accepts you for who you are and who will listen. It is beyond valuable. Even when I feel like shit, and even when law school feels like a mistake and I’m so tired I could sleep for a week and still need more rest, knowing that I walk into that law building everyday and there’s someone in that building who knows what it’s like? It helps keep me going.

I know this kind of addresses your question, kind of doesn’t, but I hope it’s helpful. I know it’s scary, and I know it feels hopeless. But it really isn’t. hmu any time you need a pep talk or some reassurance or whatever, dude, I mean it

[elibasila]

2: everything can be transformed into something else

playing a lil dress up, characterizing through costumes or clothes

Background - 

When I was little, around the ages of toddler to 12 I was always into a good ole pretend fashion show with whoever was willing, which was usually my brothers, cousins, childhood friend and some other random kids who’d come over to our house. Any chance there was to play around with clothing in a silly and fun way was immediately taken advantage of, and I loved it. Honestly, I still love it and I wish I could partake in those times again. 

But, I feel if I did the same thing now it would be a lot more judgmental, especially if I did it with adults like myself (even young adults). Kids are usually a lot more experimental and less caring about how it actually looks, they’re a lot less judgmental (with most things) compared to adults/elders/teens. Kids don’t care about the overall composition/aesthetics, or if this goes with that, they just want to do whatever they feel like and have some fun. It feels like it would be too serious now, and people (including myself, which I’ll get to later) make the stakes really high when playing dress up nowadays. Everything in fashion/clothing has to perfect and it has to be clean, gorgeous and make sense, which is really annoying cause I feel that shouldn’t be the primary objective (or the only objective) with fashion at all. 

I’m talking specifically about playing dress up and fashion because I believe it’s important, both for adults and kids, to play with expression. Which to me was something I was discouraged to do as a kid, and even now as an adult. This aspect of how I was raised was really damaging to how I navigated myself before and now, as expression meant something deeper than it had to be. 

Expression was identity to a lot of people I was raised by, and that was subconsciously passed down to me, which has caused me a lot of grief in my life. Just to be clear, expression does not equal identity, they are two separate things (and they don’t even have to relate to one another) and I think people’s obsession with trying to find any correlation between those things hurts both trans and cis people and has consequently created a double standard. What I’ve noticed through my own experience is that trans people’s expression is a lot more scrutinized/enforced than cis people. Cis people have the inherent privilege to be able to express however they want, and still be taken seriously as a man/woman, or even be respected as gender non-conforming (most of the time, and there are exceptions/intersections). However, with trans people therein exists an odd double standard; once you transition/once you're out you should dedicate your effort to look like a man/woman. If you don’t do this you're now either faking your trans identity and/or you’re asking to get misgendered and you shouldn't get mad if people misgender cause you're not dressed like a man/woman. 

On the flip side there’s the issue of toxic masculinity and the hard boundaries of the binary both affecting trans and cis people. People within the binary I think are already pressured to adhere to it, and a good example I can think of is when cis-straight men police themselves and other cis-straight men into enforcing extremely strict, and most of the time arbitrary, ideals/standards. And the ‘consequence’ of not adhering to these rules is the person being perceived and labelled as gay/effeminate (which is inherently both homophobic and misogynistic) and treated as less than ‘a man’. 

With these relationships (between expression and identity, and how they’re used negatively) in mind while moving within this practice as a trans person who expresses ‘differently’ (or who wants to express differently) than how they identify. I want to also question if there is actually a way to express differently, what that would mean especially in relation to an identity (i.e. do they even have to relate at all, does your identity have any impact on how you express, why). How does queerness come into the equation of identity and expression, and how does that relate to trans people specifically? The correlation between sexual identities, gender identities and expression and how they interact with each other, if at all?

Practice - 

Create something resembling a human out of my own clothes, almost close to recreating myself but it’s not me I’m recreating. I want to create an entirely different person or character through clothes and my body. 

Observations Made/Notes - may include photos and/or videos

 I think my initial urge while I was choosing which clothes to put together was trying to figure out a type or arch type (like for example I couldn’t stop thinking of the Spice Girls: Baby Spice, Scary Spice, Posh Spice, etc), and even though it was helpful for me at the time to help me chose, I wish I was able to input my own free thought into this practice

When faced with the beginning I found it extremely hard to pick and chose as I was so indecisive that I needed to have a baseline for what I wanted to do, i think the above mentioned scenario helped me. 

I was overloaded with options so much so that it took me close to an hour of deciding of what to wear

not too far off from when I’m dressing myself in reality

yeah I definitely could’ve gone heavier on the experimentation

At first I was hoping to wear my binder underneath all this so I could flatten my chest (as thats one area where I feel strong dysphoria) but I just decided not to, and I don’t really know why

I think I didn’t because I was 1, tired 2, convinced myself that having boobs or even the appearance of boobs doesn’t make me a girl, and that I’m still a guy even when I have breasts 3, i think it was one of those apathetic days that I was having 

It did briefly however make me think of my upcoming top surgery again

What was the gender of the person I was creating, did they’re expression relate at all to their ‘personhood’: I decided that all these characters were genderless to me, but still all had extremely distinct expressions/mannerisms

Being a genderless being, being a person, how they would interact with other people and what world they resided in

how were those clothes making me act, did those clothes have an affect on my behavior while wearing them/thinking about them: yeah a little bit