#ever want to be able to do 90 hours of work in a week? become a freelance theater technician with skills in carpentry‚ welding‚ and rigging

[mobydyke]

just tried to take off my boots without untying them so that's a wrap on my 90 hour week y'all

[seat-safety-switch]

The world is changing now. Soon, it will leave me and all the knowledge I accumulated during my life behind. It's not too late for me to get into the permanent record, though, with this information about a long-lost art of car ownership. I speak, of course, of the car stereo installation.

Nowadays, car stereos are largely an extension of your phone. And why shouldn't they be? Your phone can access any music you desire, conjure up pornographic visions from the ether itself, and tell you how to get out of the corn maze that you and your borderline-sentient 1979 Firebird Formula have gotten stuck in during your latest secret-agent shenanigans. Car manufacturers make terrible stock stereos, and so it just makes sense for them to step aside and turn them into "big screen that phone makes go."

It is for this same reason that, before the ubiquitous smartphone era, we wanted to swap the stereos in our shit-box Hondas. In the late 90s and early 00s, new standards were coming out practically every weekend. You didn't want to be the dope with an AM/FM/Tape combo when it was possible to be the brave technologist who accidentally bought a stereo on sale that only understood uncompressed Mini-Discs and the Diamond Rio 600. You could go to the store and buy a "head unit" (car stereo dweeb speak for "car stereo") and jam it into the dashboard, yourself. Sure, there were semi-professional installers out there, usually working at that very same store. Those installers cost money, though, and surely you can connect between 15 and 200 wires together in a way that doesn't burn your car down, right?

Wiring a stereo wasn't really that hard. It was just one of those death-by-a-thousand-papercuts deals. You pull out the old stereo, a task which ranges between "annoying" and "holy shit I don't think my car will ever go together again." Then, you unplug it from the wiring harness. They call it a wiring harness, because you get whipped by it and still somehow enjoy the experience.

It's at this point that the driveway-installing amateurs are separated from the driveway-installing pros. A smart person gets a little plug-in wiring adapter that translates from the car's wiring to the stereo's wiring. Someone who forgot to buy the little wiring adapter from the stereo store, and doesn't want to go back there because their car is torn into a million pieces, decides to hack and slash, twisting and soldering the car into the stereo permanently. This works too, but it will be a problem in about two weeks, when the MP3-CD player you just spent your paycheque on becomes obsolete, and is replaced by a Tokyo-24-HotSauce-WMV-DVD player.

Now comes the harrowing. You have just made your car's stereo harness much, much longer, and also likely much fatter. You gotta cram that shit back in the hole it came out of, ideally without getting in the way of anything else inside the dashboard. This is the point at which you must decide whether you will spend eight more hours routing wires, potentially re-doing the wiring work you just completed, or explain to your significant other that the heater controls only go two-thirds of the way to "cool" now. You will pass through this crucible and emerge a stronger, angrier person. You will have opinions on electrical tape for the first time in your life. Your neighbours will call the cops to have you killed after you swear loudly enough to wake their babies. The cops will laugh as you nearly pass out from heat exhaustion underneath your dashboard.

And in the end, you will be able to play an MP3 file from a burned CD. Congratulations. It was all worth it, until you go over a slight bump and the damn thing skips a bunch. I hear the new ones on the shelves now have a bigger anti-skip buffer. And those stock speakers, well, they sound like shit, now that you have this fancy new stereo blaring 64kbps Napster rips through it. Maybe pick up a new amplifier while you're at it, and an upgraded alternator to handle all that new current demand, and...

[the-earnest-gemini]

(ALMOST) GIVING UP COFFEE, LIVING CLOSER TO FRIENDS & LIFE POST-TEACHING

SUMMER 2024 NEWSLETTER

I frequently tell the story of the time that I drank an entire pot of coffee on my own, but I’ll tell it again. Early on in the pandemic, when we were all still doing virtual school and meetings, I had taken to brewing my morning cup of coffee at my work desk. Typically, I would drink it throughout the day, but rarely finished the pot on my own, if I even bothered brewing a full pot at all. I was taking a class that made me so nervous that I wanted to crawl out of my skin, and this day in particular, I had chosen to busy my hands by sipping on coffee for the duration of the meeting. By the end of the 90 minutes, I’d consumed the whole pot and proceeded to stay awake for almost 48 hours straight. I felt so sick to my stomach that I kept praying I would get sick- anything to get it out of my system, but I didn’t. I swore I would never drink coffee again, but of course, I did, and a few short months later I was back to my regularly scheduled levels of caffeine dependence. 

Recently, I’ve made the decision to quit coffee…sort of. It’s been a slow process, first cutting it down to two cups a day, then one (I thought I was going to die), and over the last couple of months I’ve made the decision to swap my coffee for green tea- with the exception of one, blessed, day of the week where my 4 a.m shift allows me to indulge in one, singular, delicious, cup of black coffee. I was a coffee drinker based on principle and function alone- what can I drink that’s going to wake me up and give me the zoomies in order to power through whatever I’m doing? It was never about the taste or how fancy it is, although I have been known to enjoy a fancy cup of coffee from time to time. Even still, I loved gas station coffee and soy peppermint mochas equally, and I didn’t think I would ever give it up. Even less did I expect to become the type of person who wakes up extra early in the morning to put a kettle on and whisk my matcha powder in a bowl before topping it off with crushed ice and oat milk- I think I even made a joke about it less than a year ago. But here I am, regardless. This, amongst other things, is one of the changes that occurred in my life since deciding to live a more intentional, slow-paced life following my career change. Since slowing down, I’ve become so much more in tune with my body, emotions, and feeling physical sensation.  It didn’t take long for me to realize that drinking so much coffee was actually making me sick, flaring up certain symptoms and undoubtedly contributing to my spiked cortisol levels, and so, begrudgingly, did I make the switch. 

Plenty of other things have changed since I decided to leave my job as a public school teacher. I realized just how much of my identity was wrapped up in the “what do I do” portion of my life. Very little of my identity was shaped by who I was as a person, what I valued, and the things I cared about. So much of my identity was about my relationships, the ability to provide for others, and how highly I could achieve while doing so. Unsurprisingly, when these things ceased to function in the same way they used to, certain relationships ended, and my life took turn after turn, I found out, very quickly, that I had no idea who I was at all. The last few years have been a series of tearing down, rebuilding, and learning. I’ve done more reading and writing than I have in several years, and have become increasingly in touch with a creative part of myself that I’d sworn off during my Undergraduate degree; the same creativity that as a teacher was met with, “but why?” – I digress. 

A value that I’ve uncovered surprisingly recently is having good people in my orbit- old friends, new friends- people who are interested in investing into our relationship; people who I am able to be comfortable around and feel fully like myself (a whole separate practice I could write essay on essay about). I recently took a trip to visit some of my oldest friends in Denver and it hit me like a ton of bricks: this is what community feels like, this is what “feeling known” is. That trip, and a previous visit I’d taken to see some friends from school, have been really enlightening for me. As a result I’ve made it a priority to try and keep touch with these people as much as possible, as well as to continue to explore the new relationships I’ve created more recently. It’s interesting for me, I suppose, to gain the perspective of how many of my previous relationships were built on proximity or professionalism. I wonder frequently how many people in my life really “knew me” or were interested in me, and how many of them were just interested in the things that I could do- more specifically, the things I could do for them. I have very little interest in relationships built on anything other than genuine connection these days, as hard work as it is to create a connection based on that. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that curiosity and honesty seems to go a long way in doing so. Now, to convince some of my friends to move closer to me… then, I would be completely satisfied. 

In other news, I’ve been making a lot of zines recently and spending some time recording things and learning how to mix and master tracks. Many of these projects are private and will continue to stay that way, especially because much of it is incredibly slow work, but I’ve placed a few things down below that I feel proud of and comfortable enough to share. I’ve been watching tons of Studio Ghibli films, taking pictures, and potting plants. I’m learning about peat-free soil blends and propagating like a fiend these days to prepare for an event I’m doing in September. I start my grad work here in a few days. Though it feels slow, sometimes I think I can feel the gears turning. Occasionally, I feel like there is some sense of direction in my life, though for the most part it feels like wandering, aimlessly. Maybe that’s okay. 

For now, 

Emma 

[kimtaegis]

Is there an opposite of fomo? Because I have that. 😔 Or maybe I'm just lowkey burned out. I try to keep up with these crazy schedules while juggling my life and responsibilities and the thing is, I used to be very scared of missing something. I work from home and I no longer have classes but when I did, I was always so sad whenever something happened while I was in class or going somewhere. And yes, I could always watch it later but there is just something about watching the thing exactly when it happens. Anyway. Fast forward, I now lowkey don't care about anything? 😭 I still keep up with the schedules as much as i can but I don't care anymore if i miss something. (except when it comes to Jimin 😔) i always watch behind videos or promo videos when they are short but when it comes to episodes which are like 20-30 minutes long, I just don't want to sit down and watch them.. Even though I still see the clips on twitter and I enjoy them and I still care about the boys a lot and what they are up to so I really don't understand why I don't care to watch a lot of content. It's honestly frustrating because I care but apparently I don't? And the thing with lives... I catch like 90% of the lives they do, but I never rewatch them with proper subtitles 😭 I used to always do that but now it's been months since I've opened one to watch again. To be fair Jungkook sometimes does 2 hour lives 3 times a week so those are time consuming to watch again 😭 but even with shorter lives.. If I don't catch it when they air, I guess I'll never see it then. And it's not just with bts, I have a bunch of TV shows I started and I want to watch them but I also don't want to spend the time to actually sit down and watch it. The same with YouTube videos, I'm subscribed to a lot of people and watch 0 videos. The same with books... And I could keep going 😭 I don't know if it's just a general burn out or what.

I don’t think not watching all of the content that gets released (which is. a hell of a lot) means that you don’t care anymore. I think this kind of behaviour pattern is rather part of the process of distributing your resources as a working adult? resources as in energy, time, concentration etc that you still have after all the things you have to do every day. our capacities for all these fun things often become smaller the more real-life responsibilities we have. so your brain is basically just sorting out whatever takes too much space or time. I think this is mostly about priorities, and those change over time, even unconsciously! what is important though is that you’re still able to take time for things you enjoy, and it seems like you do to a degree (e.g you watch shorter videos and their wlives while they happen), because once you don’t find the energy to not ever do anything anymore that usually made you happy, then that’s concerning and really sounds like a burn out, which I hope will not happen, darling

[devsgames]

Bombing!! A Graffiti Sandbox: 1 Year Revenue Breakdown + Retrospective

I'm going to give a little breakdown of the cost/profits of my solo developed creative sandbox graffiti game Bombing!!: A Graffiti Sandbox, from a one-year snapshot after release.

Disclaimer: This information was originally posted in July 2022 on my Twitter, and I'm reposting it here because I believe it's incredibly useful information for other developers to have when publishing something. It's the exact kind of information I wish I had when first venturing into gamedev solo!

Profit Breakdown

Units Sold (Steam): 1,167

Total Grossing (Steam): $5,792 USD

Total Net (Steam): $4,133 USD

Units Sold (Itch): 20

Total Grossing (Itchio): $106.00 USD

Cost Breakdown

Unity Plugins: $100.48 USD

Music (Licensing): $190.39 USD

Localization: $87.08 USD

Promo (Event fees + VO for reels): $55 USD

Steam listing: $125 USD

Total non-labour costs: $557.95 USD

Observations

Itch Organic Discoverability is typically very low. I tend not to use Itch as a primary host for my work because of this reason alone. It's pay structure is more equitable, but people rarely discover my games there. I use Itch to put my game in charitable bundles for good causes and for giving people an option to buy through there if they prefer, but I don't promote my work via that because I've never found success there.

At time of writing (July 2022) I was averaging ~$120 USD per month from Steam sales. As of November 2022 this has decreased to ~$90, which means my Steam profits of both Bombing!!: A Graffiti Paradise and Lofty Quest don't make enough sales to pass the $100 monthly Steam payout limit.

I don't plan to recoup labour fees on nay project, ever. Simply put, with how the market is and the devaluation of games in general I don't anticipate ever becoming sustainable enough to afford the price of the actual work I put into my projects. Bombing!!: A Graffiti Sandbox was made over the course of ~7 months with hundreds of hours of labour put into it - even in terms of minimum wage rates that's a lot for an indie title to try and make back on, so planning for that has always felt unrealistic for me.

I'm lucky I found a niche. Non-VR painting simulators are in short supply, and there was a lot of people who wanted to be able to draw in a world without an expensive VR barrier to entry. I think knowing the market and planning for that ended up being a smart move on my part.

A lot of success has been due to my network. Word of mouth spread on Bombing!!: A Graffiti Sandbox was pretty solid, and without word getting out early on I suspect these numbers would have shaken out a fair bit worse.

In Summary

I think Bombing!!: A Graffiti Sandbox was a success.

Honestly, as my first published digital title I expected it to flop and my goal was to simply make back the cost it took to get it onto the Steam store (~$125 USD). I think it had made that back in roughly a week after it launched, which blew me away.

I do think it was largely privilege and luck that got me there however. Even considering how rough the game is (looking at it now it's crazy to me that I actually shipped it) I'm super grateful it found its audience and a community that cared so deeply about it despite its flaws.

It's also a big reason why I want to make Bombing!! 2: A Graffiti Paradise the best that it can be, to properly give the people who supported me something even better to play around with :)

(As with anything else, I'm totally open to asks for specifics or further observations on this sort of stuff if there's anything else you'd like to know, or even just have any curiosities about! As I mentioned, when I was starting out I wish I had more bizdev resources that were transparent about raw numbers like this from the perspective of people working at a similar scale to myself, so I wanna give back however I can.)

[ladywithoutababy]

9 weeks 2 days pregnant: heartbeats and the end of shots

Whoops, it's been a few weeks, but things are moving really fast. I went in for my first ultrasound on March 20 and had all the same nerves as last time: trying to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Everything is so scary in the first trimester when you have no real symptoms (or at least I don't, other than the fatigue) so it's hard to convince yourself there's anything going on in there. It didn't help that they were super busy so I was waiting more than hour to go in for my appointment.

But once I got in there, the doctor popped in the wand thing and we IMMEDIATELY heard a strong little heartbeat. Or at least I thought it was strong – she said the heartbeat was 113bpm and ideally by this time (I guess 6.5 weeks?) she'd want 120, so I had to make another appointment to come in the following week. But at least she reassured me that she wasn't worried at all, which was nice because I felt like that gave us permission to finally celebrate a tiny bit. With IVF, once you hear a heartbeat, there's like a 90% chance that you'll have a baby at the end. So it finally felt real. She took pictures and the baby looked like a little tiny ghost. But even though it was so tiny, it's always wild seeing it suddenly go from an empty uterus to one with anything in it.

I went back in a week later, we checked again, and the heartbeat was 163, so she was very happy. She even gave me a hug! It's still so weird – we have such a different relationship than the last time around, when I was so tense and upset all the time. It's really nice getting to experience some of these milestones with a different attitude. I got some new pictures, and this time it was a very visible tiny ghost – it went from being almost invisible to taking up like half of the space! I asked the doctor what the embryo (baby?) was attached to, and she said the yolk sac (which becomes the placenta). This reminded me a little too much of my backyard chickens and I was not able to eat eggs for a few days.

Anyway, as of this point I officially graduated from IVF! So now the next step is to go see my normal ob/gyn (although they seem extremely unconcerned and I won't be able to go in until May, so we're back in the dead zone between information. But whatever).

We had a bit of drama with the wind-down schedule for the shots. We found out after my first ultrasound that the very last week of shots (the "wind down" week, when you start lowering your dose) overlapped with an international week-long trip for work that I couldn't get out of. So we scrambled and booked my husband flights and arranged child care and animal care for the week. But when I went back in for the second one, I mentioned this to the doctor and she said it was totally fine to just switch to crinone suppositories for the final week instead of doing the shots. So we pivoted again and my husband didn't have to come with me. Very nice for him. I made him say out loud that he appreciates me dealing with the suppositories. Not looking forward to the ~~~leakage~~~ but at least it's only for a week. I'm here now on my work trip and got to experience inserting a suppository in the airplane bathroom. It was less interesting of an event than I was hoping for, but at least I can say I did it. (I don't know how or why I would ever say this to anyone.)

When I was trying to figure out the switch from shots to suppositories, and the 6 hour time difference, I was getting really worked up about gradually moving to the new time, making sure it stayed roughly 12 hours apart, etc. When I talked to my doctor about it, she did not care at all (it seems like the wind down week is really mostly just a formality) as long as I don't go 24 hours without a dose. So we're just winging it. If I get a UTI from excessive crinone use I'm gonna be mad though.

But! Switching to the suppositories meant that Friday was our last shot ever. Recently they've been hurting a lot ("you're like a pin cushion", my husband keeps helpfully saying while he stabs me) but this one went in like butter. Right when I was commenting that it didn't hurt at all, he pulled it out, screamed, and said "Ahhh don't look!" (I know, weird reaction.) Blood was just spurting out of me like in a horror movie. All over both of us, all over the floor. It finally just kind of stopped on its own and I suppose like so many other things we'll never know why it decided to do this this time. But I found it pretty poetic for our last hurrah.

[indigo474]

31:00~~2/10/24~~

I ran my 2nd 5 k today and managed to run 3 minutes and 26 seconds faster than last time.. l'm not even sure how that is possible.. it must be the hills. i am so proud of myself and again amazed. a tiny tiny voice tells me i could have done better.. maybe... Madison came wiht me for support. I saw people there alone so next time I wont bother her to come with me, unless she wants to of course. I wish i had someone to celebrate with. i'm thankful for Maddy.. I'm thankful for a lot but still wish i had someone. i thought a lot today about how my divorce was/is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. I thought about how i hate hate hate how people say ohh sorry for your divorce. I thought about how it would have been a shame for me to not be the person i am today and how much i have learned and grown and healed. i thought about how i wish i had left sooner .. i dont let myself go too fr down that trail. I left and thats all that matters.. all these great things. Me- i dont know if i will ever be use to this life and these feelings of happiness.. when i laugh, i laugh.. joy. i did not have that or feel that for a lot of years and the last thing i wanted was to really feel anything because none of it was any good and now.. now.. peace. Peace.. and love. Madison is sweet to me. she knows i eat an apple a day and when she shops she has been making sure to buy apples. when we lived in our apartment she would always make sure to leave the outside light on for me.. i hate walking up to a dark house.. ptsd from Chatham. If he turned the automatic light off i knew i was in trouble. sooo.. i guess i'll keep running..

I am not a game player. Its just not my natural state. Pam has issue. Deep seeded trauma from her childhood.. its so obvious to me. the way she talks and her need to be liked and seen as cool and the way she tries to manipulate the people around her. She's smart but not intelligent. So, whatever.. i'm not friends with any of them.. there's one supervisor i kind of like, she was my first supervisor when i started.. and she is weird. None of it matters. I'm working from home tomorrow. I didnt get nearly enough sleep last night. I didnt want to get out of bed this morning. i tried to be nice to my Mom this week, i was being kind and supportive and she can not accept love because she does not love herself . she hates herself and doesnt think she deserves kindness or love and that is not my problem. do i love myself enough to be able to receive love?

I spoke to my manager in regards to the very important meeting she missed. She claims to have wanted to be there but it was thrown together last minute and she was not made aware of the time. Drew was in charge of the timing. Drew is always in charge of the meeting times and he sucks at it. I pretty much said that to her but in a professional way. its taken a year but his scheduling skills infuriate me. people pretty much do what benefits them. Drew has a attitude about people leaving work at 5.. he feels we should all stay later. He is late to work everyday and it benefits him to stay later so misses the rush hour traffic. ive stayed late in the past to accommodate him. I'm not doing that anymore. I get to work early almost every day. I am not staying later than i have to. I feel like he doesnt value other peoples time. he's called me 2 x in 2 days while i wasn't work.. he called me today while i was in walmart talking nonsense.. i got a new rep who is a total idiot. he never should have made it out of training and Drew is acting like he's been on team for a long time and what am i going to do about him. He's been on my team for less than 20 hrs- he was on Drew's team for 90+ days- how and why did this guy become my problem when he has been a problem all along.

I'm going to read the Bhagavad Gita- maybe finish it. I have been sleeping a little too good.. through the night good. the funny thing about work is none of it matters.. we can all be replaced tomorrow and that place would still go on. I shouldn't let it stress me out. i woke up with my period today. silence is beautiful. You're doing a great job April.. keep going! Good night

.

[1000sandwiches]

Tue, Feb 6, 2024

Lately I have become extremely nostalgic for the Web 1.0 era of the internet. It started with me looking at archived Usenet posts via Google Groups, but has turned into me spending hours on the Wayback Machine looking up sites I used to haunt back in the 90s and early 2000s. Stuff like The Gaming Intelligence Agency (which is still up somehow), Elfwood, Toriyama's World, or various rabbit holes from the Anime Web Turnpike. I really miss the days everyone had their own website (I had several if you're wondering. A Flame of Recca fan site, for example). I want to be one of the cool kids and join Neocities in hopes it'll give me a similar vibe, but I haven't done HTML in years and feel a bit intimidated by it. So for now maybe a Tumblr diary will do. So that's what this is, a rambling online diary like the kind I kept as a teenager. It seemed cheaper than therapy.

Rambling about being a new parent and venting about my in-laws below. It's not particularly interesting. Next time I'll just write about video games I'm playing, probably.

I became a dad in November 2023. My emotions and mental health have been sort of all over the place since the day we checked into the hospital. I had always wanted a family of my own, and my wife and I both felt we would regret not having at least one child. I have a lot of insecurities about being a first time father at my age. I'm 38 now, and I just keep thinking about how I'll be 43 when my son is 5, and worry I won't be able to keep up with him. But here we are.

My wife was induced and spent 30 hours in labor before the doctor finally gave us the option for a C-Section. She didn't even hesitate to say yes, honestly just relieved to get it over with. The operation went fine, but apparently I am a lightweight when it comes to gore. Seeing my partner's blood and guts all over the surgeons had my anxiety screaming. Also, no one will ever believe me, but during the surgery the anesthesiologist, Bob, was playing on his phone. All of a sudden an ad for homemade marinara started playing, and the whole room stopped to stare at him. Surgeons still covered in bloody bits. Bob just mumbled "bad timing" and turned the volume down. What an absolute legend. I love you, Bob!

The experience of holding our son for the first time was just as powerful as I had always heard. So many different feelings washed over me all at once. I'd never even held a baby before then. Seeing my son being held up against my significant other's head made me cry.

Unfortunately, I am a peon at a public library, and my wife works retail, so neither of us are great breadwinners. Oops. Sorry, baby! So now we have super fun medical bills while we also figure out a budget. Currently we are living with my in-laws. Having to adjust to both our newborn and their family routine has been a challenge for us both.

Some days are great. Others are hard. Especially in the first month, where some nights the baby would just scream his head off for hours. I knew I hated loud noises, but I never realized how triggering a baby's cry could be. I'm not suicidal, but I've spent several nights imagining a scenario where I'd jump into my car and driving off a cliff. This has gotten better recently as he now does fairly good job of sleeping through the night. It's a lot easier to be patient with his crying when we are not exhausted.

My wife had a few struggles with post-partum depression. The week after giving birth, her hormones were all over the place and she had frequent panic attacks. One morning she woke up, walked into the living room and saw our son, only to then throw up. She is over this now thankfully, and has put a lot of energy into figuring out how to be a mom. I'm very proud of her.

The In-laws are a huge help, but there are pros and cons to their assistance. There are times where my wife and I really need to learn how to deal with our son's tantrums by ourselves, but the grandparents will insist on taking him. I appreciate the help, but I worry about not being able to handle him myself. In fairness, I might struggle to get him down for an hour, but Grandma can get him to sleep on five minutes. It's like dark magic for grandparents, I swear.

I am also prone to feeling like a burden on the family. I notice a lot of little corrections. Stupid things like say I take some chips from the cupboard and I know I'll put them back in a moment. I might decide to leave the door open for a moment, but Grandma walks in and immediately shuts the cupboard. Other times I might leave a light on which Grandma turns off while I'm still using. I also feel like every interaction I have with my son is being judged. If he's crying and I set him down for a few minutes, someone feels the need to swoop in and take him from me. It's like leaving him be in his bassinet while he's awake his frowned upon.

My In-Laws also have a family culture where everyone hangs out in the living room together all day. This is completely new to me, and I'd rather be alone in my room most of the time. It doesn't help that they are a family that keeps their television on all day and I get very sick of hearing the news cycle repeat over and over. This recently had consequences when Grandpa came home from work sick, and apparently keeping the baby in another room, away from the sick guy, was never even considered.

As you might expect, our baby got sick. I was pissed. I just couldn't believe that I would come home from work to find grandpa coughing just a few feet away from him, and no one thought to keep them separated. Our son then passed his cold onto the rest of the household (not covid or flu, as several of us have tested negative).

So that brings us to now. A week after getting sick, I am still having issues with sinus drainage along with aches and pains. Our son is doing better, and you can't even tell my wife was ever sick. I'm very jealous. I should probably take a few moments to proof read all this, but I've already been typing on my phone for an hour and feel silly about posting this at all.

[ventingbecauseineedit]

It's been ages since I've vented on here.

Why? Because life has been pretty fantastic actually. I've gone through some serious improvements in dealing woth my ptsd from being abused, I'm in a healthy relationship, I live in a beautiful house with said partner, I'm learning more about myself, my relationship woth my mother has a tenuous stability, I have my absolute DREAM job.

But you know what still gets me? Reverse SAD.

I fucking HATE summer. Summer is the absolute WORST time of year.

Let's break down the why!

I'm pale af and so the sun is my enemy. I sunburn driving in my fucking car. If I need to just run errands for like an hour, I have to practically drown myself in sunscreen or I become a fucking lobster in pain that then has to deal with peeling skin from the burn. Not to mention cancer runs in my family and at least 2 family members have had skin cancer. That's a real fucking possibility for me that I am ALWAYS aware of.

It's hot out. My ideal temperature is in the 60s. It's repeatedly in the upper 90s to 100s where I live in the summer. That just makes me hot, sweaty, and ANGRY because I'm so miserable in the heat.

I can't fucking sleep because I dont start feeling tired until at least an hour after sunset and the early sunrise fucks me over too. At the height of this miserable season its only dark from 10pm until 3:30am. FUCK THAT.

(don't even @ me with fucking black out curtains. I would only have them up for ONE season because the issue is that I don't even start to get tired until at least an hour after sun sets. That means I would need that expensive ass material in my living room that is like half windows and my bedroom and my office. I can't afford that to only need them for one damn season. Thats bullshit. Plus, in the morning I won't be able to wake up because it's so dark. I just want better fucking balance of sunlight damn it)

Fire season!!! Everything is nothing but smoke! Even if it wasn't too hot out and I actually prepare with enough sunscreen, you can't fucking breathe because the air is so shitty from the smoke!!!

I am a teacher. Everyone always gives me the bullshit comment of "oh my god! It must be so great to have summers off!" First of all, teachers still work in the summer. We spend time continuing to work on our curriculum because there's no time to do that in the school year. So fuck off woth having that time "off". Second, I get seasonal depression in the summer in part because of the lack of routine. There is no structure to the summer. For like a week thats pretty awesome because i get to attempt to get some sleep, but as its already been discyssed, the sun ruins that plan.

More with the lack of routine: Every. Single. Summer. People are gone. Don't get me wrong, I love that people get to have adventures! But my social life becomes the equivalent of a ghost town every summer because there's no routine. There's no socializing with people who are off on their family vacations. Plus! Oh PLUS! If I'm not the one organizing the time, place, people, and doing all the communicating, nothing happens! It's not like people ever invite me! So that's a real good mental health motivator to realize that when I don't have the energy to make it happen because I'm suffering from seasonal depression, no one is going to reach out! Yeah. That's just fucking greeeaaaat for my self worth in the midst of depression.

So yeah.

Fuck summer.

[starvette]

T 4/90

Another mess of a day. At least it was cold and windy again so I just slept intermittently and badly for a lot of the afternoon. Kept waking up and thinking just SUCH stupid, stupid nonsensical thoughts. Later mom came and wept about dad and wanted me to fix everything and called us both weird. Then she occupied the bathroom right when I needed it.

I finally tried organizing my selfies. I take way too many and the quality has gone down to rock bottom. Overwhelmed after some hours, I went grocery shopping. I shouldn't have bought anything, but I did because I can't go a day without grocery shopping. It's a compulsion after years of daily grocery shopping. I didn't actually need any new food. I have discount bell peppers and beets in the fridge. Since I had almost no money left all I got was 220g of this stale dry refined wheat bread. I told myself it would be good fuel for the imminent run. Then I got home, had 10 minutes left, made popcorn. Of course I couldn't eat it fast enough and felt too full to run, sat in bed to try to digest everything quickly, but then it got too late. Didn't run.

I should have worked out at that point but I decided to get Sims instead. It took a bit to figure out how to get them going on Linux. Sims took forever to download and it's still got 1GB to go. I tried to think of edgy sim names and organized more selfies. So, so many bad, bad selfies. Now I feel truly sick and absolutely exhausted. I have to stop myself right here, shake this day off and go do something useful like my skincare and little workouts, and even dead hanging outside. And feed the fucking popcorn kernels to birds. I tried googling if they can digest that stuff at all and I think they can? Birds are crazy dinosaurs. I've just been so scared of making popcorn since The Incident. I think the pot will overheat and explode and razor sharp shards of steel will like rip right into my gut at F1 speed and the glass lid will explode too, in my eyes. And I will die right there on the kitchen floor. I've got 675g popcorn kernels left. The birds can have them.

Beyond the explosions, I'm not sure if I'm even allowed to eat popcorn at all. Ache eat maize but I don't know. I'm rather scared of grains now but I also didn't want to just keep the vaguely tempting popcorn for months in my pantry until it dries out and becomes unpoppable since I read in a cooking blog that moist kernels pop better. I just want the fucking corn out of my house. It scares me. I need to eat clean for a long time.

Mairi got back to me. I love her too much. She will be able to tell me her upcoming schedule only after 'a few weeks'. More waiting. Meanwhile I must diligently investigate molecules not play the sims. Wondering if I'll ever get to be normal.

[mangodestroyer]

June 16th marks the two year anniversary of when I started working at my current job.

And holy shit, I can't believe how much my physical and mental health suffered for it. Along with other things that had been happening in my life, I am 90% convinced that I developed a form of social anxiety as a trauma response (something I may have already been suffering from to a mild extent). I used to love getting out of the house to go shopping and whatnot. Now I much prefer to order online or pre-order on apps so I can swoop in and pick it up. And the idea of going out and socializing is just... bleh!

My physical health is just not what it used to be either. I've been getting so many cysts. Most of which are on my joints from overuse. I used to love going for walks and hikes, but now it hurts to walk and I'm too tired to do those things. Not to mention, the sciatica I had mostly recovered from, which I got from my last retail job, has kind of made a comeback. Also, my feet used to never hurt. I used to be a very limber, athletic individual before working retail. I didn't really have body pains. Now I feel like I need to rest for two days to make the majority of the pains go away (weed, heated blankets, and ice help). And today, I had to work a lot more slowly because my entire shoulder area would sometimes get sharp pains that would make me nauseated. I've never had shoulder pain like that until a couple months ago. It extends all the way to my elbow and into the center of my chest and my back.

Also, I had to take a long break from school because I literally could not muster up the mental energy to get through my classes and need to save up some money so that I don't have to work while going to college. One of the reasons I'm even going to college is to get away from this kind of work (which I've come to find does not end up being the case for everyone, but look, I made it so far into my degree so I might as well get it finished so that I have a chance).

Not to mention, the lack of respect. The erratic scheduling and requests to cover shifts has just destroyed my sleep schedule. And today alone, I had to hold so many customer's hands as they ask for so many things while I stress over getting my tasks done. I need to ask management permission to do certain parts of my job and they drag their feet and forget to do so. So I have to remind them twice. I literally avoid getting them involved as much as possible because it's a headache and I just want the job to get done. And then there's the condescending, "What did you do this time?" attitude. And sometimes... sometimes it is me (sorry I don't remember to do everything perfectly in a fast paced, stressful environment) and sometimes technology will literally start pulling the stupidest shit. I'm not even kidding. I don't ever want to touch the service desk at this point because somehow I always find a way to break it. I should become a debugger or something. This never happens with my home computer tho.

And here's something existentially horrifying: some people work jobs like this 60+ hours a week. Just to barely cover rent, bills, and food. If they even are managing that. I'm only doing this 20 hours a week, with the occasional full time week... I'd literally rather rough it in the woods than do this 60+ hours a week.

Hopefully I end up getting somewhere with my side gig, in the mean time. I'm not asking to make a fortune off of it. I just want a little extra cash to help me get by, maybe even have some spending money. Thank God my dad happens to be really into the project and is pushing me to do it/wants to help out. Doubt I would have been able to do this without his expertise.

[ddontyyoukknow]

December 27 2023

I really just need to give a recap on everything becaue i have had the most amazing and blissful year of my entire life. I just woke up today and tidyed up my apartment a little bit and went to the gym had some breeakfast and am now doing my journaling. I am so happy i live in new yorl i feel like it was something i really needed adn the fact that i can afford it is still insane to me like im out here making enough to afford a 5k nyc aartment like what??? but i am making like 20 k a moth which is insane. I started off the year strong with a nice 90k a year illustration jo btht was so incredibly enlightining and good for my resume and portfolio alike. i am so happy i had the foredight and motivstion to be postingon instgra nd tik tok consistantly nad in march when my first video went viral adn my folowers started growing it was so crazy how i was able to start aming real money on social media and I started to get gallery attention. I really would have done anything but the fact that i just get to freely fly from project to project and feel so fulfilled and get paid for it is amazing ot me the fact that i get to do freelance work but have my social media/ art work to fall back on becasue i am starting to gain traction as a visual artist for my vision and style so im now being represented by two great galleries! here are a couple highlights of the of the year! I am 90% vegan and am super proud wth how far my health habits have gone. I have a super solid moring routine down. in march i reached my ideal body of 115lbs and run 5k-10k 3-5 times a week. I read 3-5 books a month! I have 5m followers on ig 1m on youtube and 8m on tik tok. my social skills  have been so shrpened by a year full of blessed interactions w the best peole ever! I am doing amaznig work that i love that centers aroun fmy mexican heritage. I as able to visit mexico for the first time this year and it was an absoulte blast i feel like if everything happened this year because i also got my green card and my and teddys relationshi is stringer than ever i have never been more in love he has grown so muvh and is veeryhtin gi ahve ever wanted! a personal triumph for e has finished my acnh island! my other highlights other than art basel! have to have been moving to new york! visitng paris and treting my family be it geli and my dad to  disney tri or my mom to a retreat wholistic yoga trip together with her. I am also so proud o fmyself for how much i hav chosen to go through with educating myself and i am so grateful for all i have learned in feminist studies and i thinkits so cool that i got into college and have been taking classes here and there. I have a busy schedual but after becoming a more preset erson i feel like if 24 hours in  day is so much i feel like fi i am so much more prodtictive and i can get so  much done everyday. i am living my best day and i am mostly proud of how far i have come nad its insane to me how much i have grown how outgoing and brave and confident i have become. i am my bg=iggest cheerleader and i believe in yself so muvh!. christmas this w=year was the best having a little reunio with everyone being able to host so muh of out mexican family adn renting a huge house and having a big beautiful christmas party was so so fun! I am extremly gratful and blessed in all aspects of my life and i am so grateful for my inner bean for awasy being wit me and watcign out fo rme and gfor all thelessns i ahvel learned and for the gratifulying satisfyin and hapy life i get to live everyday no matter what

[ch-cali]

12/20/2022: Start of my personal diary

So basically this is my personal diary for my life from here on out. It's 12/20/2022 and I just finished moving back in with my parents with my daughter. I separated from my partner, which is a whole other story. This is hopefully going to be a sort of documentation about my progress with myself from here on out. I struggle with bipolar disorder and anxiety. I have been pretty well as of lately especially regarding my situation. I struggle with my self image and weight. I am currently in the 160's and plan to start taking better care of myself. I am not a majority single mom. When I brought up to my partner about how we're going to split out time he literally said "I never wanted this in the first place" and so I asked in regards to her? abortion? while literally holding my over 1 year old in my arms with my partner furious at me. At us. He said yeah and I said very angrily to please go away I don't want to talk to him bc how are you going to bring this up with her right here? And he went on saying "am I not allowed to have feelings? Only you are allowed to say your feelings? Well this is how I really feel. Why can't I say how I really feel?" And on and on about that and I literally had to get away. ASAP. He literally admitted that his mother is more scared of losing her than he is. I am just heartbroken and don't really trust him alone with her any more for other reasons even before this argument. Not physically abusive or anything just very neglectful to the both of us most of the time. I am so happy that less than a week after that I was out and I just finished finally unpacking everything (I think) and I'm settled in but don't quite feel comfortable. I miss how things were and I cry most night causing a skin inflammation and issue under my eyes making me look absolutely horrible. My room has none of my old decorations as I left my old room and my decor to my little sister as soon as I moved. I'm going to have to go to the dollar tree and think of putting something together to make my room feel more cozy.

I miss a lot about my life the last year but I realize I still look at the very few fond memories but push down 90% of the other stuff I went through, My partner was my first love and I really thought nothing would ever be able to make me not love him. But after out altercation- after saying that to me about the most important thing in my world I think of him as the most disgusting piece of scum on the earth pos. He's done a lot to me before but something about becoming and mother and hearing him speak on our daughter like that... I will never ever forgive him.

To work on myself I need to start on my regular health- eating right sleeping schedules and such. I need to find another job- I got fired for not being able to keep up with the work load. I wasn't willing to do so much over time all the time. Oh well- I hated that job and it took me away from my daughter because it was always over 43 ours a week which isn't so much but she's only awake so lone- I get a total of 2-3 hours a day with her fully and only an hour bonding with her over fun things- the rest is the eating cleaning and bed time routine unfortunately. I want to find something with a little less hours if possible- decent hourly wage- I probably won't ever make the amount I did as my last job working from home but hopefully something decent and full benefits so I can get her back on my insurance. Since I lost my job I had to ask her dad to add her until I get mine and I really just don't want to rely on him in any way. My social skills going out having fun. reaching out to people I haven't yet since I started dealing with all of this just out of embarrassment. My friends reached out asking me how I was doing and had no idea what was going on- I gave them a quick "no everything isn't alright but it will be soon" when they asked. I appreciate them for asking

Basically I wanna be better and feel better about myself and here is my start.

[confessions-of-a-paramedic]

Why I Will Vote To Strike

I haven’t posted in awhile for that I’m sorry, just been thinking of what to actually write. For awhile now my motivation working in the NHS has been very low, the lowest for the last 7 years I’ve been in the ambulance service for.

So, the current climate in the UK has forced the NHS to ballot for strike action.

Why I’m voting to strike: people say you guys can’t strike people will die. Colleagues in the service are also saying they won’t as patients will die.  Unfortunately, our patients are already dying. It’s become all to common to see 12, 13, 14 + ambulances queued outside of A&E departments all waiting for a hospital bed. Only too recently I took over a bigger crew looking after a 90year old who was having a stroke, who hadn’t been picked up by that night crew, nor the day crew before them but the night crew before them!! 35 hours in total that 90 year old spent laying on a uncomfortable ambulance bed in the same ambulance they were originally picked up from. 35hours!!!!!! And in that time despite multiple requests for food none ever appeared!! As they were on soft food only made it difficult for us to just grab them food. 35 hours!! And that’s not even the longest wait for a patient to be offloaded. Due to these waits patients in the community can’t get an ambulance as there isn’t any to send. It is now all to common for patients to wait 6+hours for an ambulance to be able to get to them. This is not the job I got into. I am currently unable to do my job. I have zero faith in the NHS to be able to treat my own family members in a timely fashion due to these delays.

Now you maybe thinking if you strike how is that going to help. Well, the ambulance service and the NHS will not just refuse to come into work. Chances are strike action will more likely be a work to rule if on shift with some calls being redirected to self travel which to be honest would be quicker than waiting for an ambulance. Those who are off shift will be invited to picket lines I’m guessing outside of the ambulance stations. So patient care will not be compromised anymore than it already is.

The NHS staff are massively underpaid and haven’t received a liveable above inflation pay raise in well ever. So every pay rise has resulted in a real terms pay cut. Remember the big Brexit argument 250million per week goes to the EU let’s find the NHS instead. How the Tories said all that was never a thing. But don’t worry they came out and clapped us all during the toughest period the NHS has ever faced. That’ll pay the ever increasing bills, the ever increasing fuel costs, the increasing Morgage rates. 5.58% currently the cheapest when me and my partner looked to buy a house this week.

Now the only way anything is ever gonna change is if we take action! No one who works for the NHS wants to strike but we have been backed into a corner to much and now we left with no choice. I’m lucky that my living situation is favourable. However, many are not lucky enough. The pay is peanuts, considering the life saving decisions we make day in day out. As I am unable to do my job and help people who need us the most, seeing patients die preventable deaths if we could just be able to do our basic jobs. The very thing that made us able to do our role for the poor pay, the long hours, the destruction of our own mental well-being, facing abuse and assaults, the knowledge and skills we possess knowing that we are the only thing standing between life and death of someone no longer has any weight, as we are unable to use the skills, the knowledge, gained over years of training and hard work. There is no greater feeling saving someone’s life bringing them back from the dead to get discharged from hospital to the loving arms of their family, to stop someone on the brink of death of making their way to the pearly gates and helping them to recovery and prolonging their time on this earth with the people they love. We can not do this anymore. Instead our mental well-being is taking massive hits constantly seeing preventable deaths and saying the word SORRY over and over and over again for the delays. This strike won’t just be over our rightful pay rise that will allow us to live, but a highlight of things need to change. Many colleagues in the ambulance service and nurses, hospital staff and doctors have been forced to leave due to pay making a move to better paying jobs and the need to use food banks.

People with respected jobs, dedication to helping others, day in day out, forced to use food banks and to decide whether to heat their home or feed their kids!! How is this right? That is why we are voting to strike or not to. That is why I am voting to strike!!!!

[bomberqueen17]

progress and such

ah i never updated. so the moving company did come as promised for my sister on Sunday. apparently, on thursday, one of their crew foremen had a serious heart attack, so they’re down a crew, and one of their biggest trucks was in the shop with a broken lift and they got it back and the fucking lift still doesn’t work. and on friday, when they were supposed to come for her, they were at a job that had been quoted to last 3.5 hours, but when they got there, the customer had a bunch of shit that hadn’t been on the inventory, and there were several large items that needed disassembly that they’d said they’d have dissassembled but then hadn’t done so, and the job took 8 hours instead, with no notice, so-- well the movers were super apologetic to my sister about the delay, and had brought an extra person at no extra charge, and afterward knocked some of the time off and didn’t charge her as much as they might have, and also were exceptionally polite to her and also to her housemate.

Also they congratulated them on the purchase of the house and said “you’ll make so many happy memories together here” and in general really super obviously assumed that what they were dealing with was a lesbian couple. Afterward my sister was like “oh i did have a pride banner hung up in the living room” which actually was my doing, i thought it was cute and had stuck it on a hook that was already there.

ANyway. There’s still a lot of shit in my sister’s apartment but we’ve done a lot more work and there’s less and less. we’re closing in on the end, on being out by july 1st. 

There’s so much goddamned liquor, and Farmsister actually described it to our mom, who has been fretting that M-L was becoming an alcoholic-- and Mom was so reassured, because a genuine addict would not have a thousand half-empty bottles each one of a different liquor. No, an addict would have empty bottles. Clearly the problem M-L has with alcohol is just that she really likes to collect things-- and to be fair, there are no two bottles of the same thing, not even wine. She just has every single possible conceivable cocktail ingredient you could ever want, which is ridiculous, but does serve extremely well to highlight the fact that no, she does not have an actual addictive problem with alcohol. Kind of backhanded reassurance but it is genuine reassurance.

Anyway. Went and helped her pack more of her stuff Monday night, but that might be the last time I’ll be able to help her, because of Assorted Chickeny Tasks for much of the rest of this week. I’m going to throw this post in the queue which is why I’m being vague about it, because I keep picking away at writing more of it in little dribs and drabs here and there, so who knows what day it will be when it goes live.

oh monday was a day of screen doors-- I should get a reasonable blog-shorthand name for the person who is now most concisely described as my middle-little sister’s housemate, but it’s @unicornduke, who no longer has a tumblr, and it feels weird to use that as a nickname, but like, why not i guess. anyway she stopped by and helped me hang the screen door on the south door of my cabin, which was awesome and I had been wanting to do for weeks and last time I visited had been promised help with by a couple different people and then there just never was time. Anyway. Now that’s done. And then I stole the fabric magnetic-closure flappy screen door that had briefly been up at the new house but had gotten pulled down for the movers and honestly didn’t really work in that doorway very well anyway, and stuck that to the east-facing door, which isn’t getting a proper screen door because I’m planning to screen in that whole porch eventually, but I’m not going to get that porch screened in until after the siding’s done, so for the forseeable short-term future I need a temporary screen door, so. Anyway that’s all taken care of and now it’s being 50F at night but when it’s 90 again (like it was on sunday) that’ll be totally sick.

Tuesday was chickens and it went smoothly despite three regulars being missing, we just sort of figured things out on our own. Most notably, one of the part-timers who’s here three days a week and has been mildly annoying BIL by not being a fast worker including during slaughter days came in to do evisceration and absolutely shone there, he was so well-suited to it-- listened well, was great about asking questions, kept up his pace as well as could be, meshed well with us, really took to it well. So the thing about working on a line like we do with chickens is that if you’re just not a hustle-y sort of person it’s easy to get overwhelmed and fall behind and just not be good at adjusting to keep up etc., and that was the difficulty he’d had out on the plucking table. But in the evisceration room, regardless of how backed-up everything is, you’re working on one bird at a time, and it’s really obvious that’s how he does best, he gets a task and he does it until it’s done. So it was good data to have, that he’s better-used in that kind of context. He also helped us package and was quite cheerful about learning new things there too. We quite like him as a person, so it was nice to find jobs that match his skills.

I am quite tired but not as badly so as I might be, all things considered, so I’ll take it.

Oh, a sort of gross-funny-weird anecdote from processing-- we’ve currently got three cockerels wandering the barnyard, all sons of the late lamented Lil Roo (a heritage Silver-Spangled Hamburg rooster) and the broody Barred Rock Henrietta, and one of them hopped up onto the trailer full of crates of meat birds awaiting processing. He checked them all out, and when he found the coops with the 20 Freedom Ranger birds, which have striped feathers similar to his, he started doing fancy dances for them. It’s partly the markings, I think, as they look like the hens he’s used to-- his mother was a Barred Rock and so are most of the adult hens on this farm-- and partly that Rangers are slower-growing than Cornish Crosses and thus were older birds.

Anyway, we processed the Rangers first, so when he came back he was looking for them and they weren’t there and he seemed sort of depressed. “Where did the sexy chickens go,” my sister supplied, as his line.

He is getting a new home next week, though-- he and his brothers are going to get caught and thrown in with the new half-grown pullets for next year’s egg flock, who are finally old enough to come out of the brooder and go out on pasture. They’re still too young to care about a rooster for those particular duties, but the other thing roosters do is that they tend to protect a flock from predators and other dangers, and these three cockerels have been free-ranging around the barnyard for almost a year now and haven’t gotten eaten, so they very obviously know how to survive, and will likely help the new girls transition to life outdoors.

So, no more startlingly beautiful cockerels wandering the barnyard and crowing in alarming places at unexpected intervals, but we rather think they’ll be happy having jobs and like, girlfriends. They’ve been surprisingly mellow with another’s company but they definitely would rather there be hens.

[trylobite]

currents, part one

                                        journal entry # 42

                     may 3, 1998 - 4 days before graduation

looking back on the countless hours spent loving and being loved by pj these last two years, i never imagined things would end like this. i never thought i would end things like this.  

we have been fighting more and more recently. he thinks im unhappy, everyone thinks im unhappy. fuck, even i thought i was unhappy with him for a while, but I don’t think that’s it. It may sound totally juvenile and cliche, but I think im too happy with pj, and its becoming so terrifying. why are the best things always so fucking terrifying?

the love we share is bursting from my every seam and that’s why i can’t continue. i love him so much, so truly but, after days of contemplation i’ve concluded that despite being surrounded by all this love, i feel so dejected. i want to be a good person and love people with my entire soul, and right now, i don’t fucking know anything, especially not the importance of loving and cherishing someone else for all that they are. thats what i do know.

i dont think it insane of me to say that i don’t want to look back on this relationship years from now, having not ended it, and us both be miserable.

the devastating thing is, if that were the outcome, i don’t think he would leave me like im about to leave him. he’s too selfless. i don’t want to do it, truly i don’t. i don’t want to murder his spirit in the process of figuring out who i am, but is it nobler to sacrifice myself for the man i love the most and never be able to give him the love he deserves in return?

maybe that was too poetic, but dear journal, i really mean it.

i know what i must do, it was bound to happen. i just can’t let myself hurt him anymore. i know that once im gone, he will be happier.

—— october 30, 2000 ——

i breathe in deeply letting the crisp, autumn, pennsylvania air fill my lungs.

ever since graduation ive been up north in the glum state of maine trying to connect with myself. i tried college up there for a few weeks but dropped out because all it was doing was adding to the stress and heartbreak i was putting myself through.

inever told anyone where i was going, just my parents so they could send money every now and then. but to everyone else, i sort of…disappeared.

i spent most of my time in maine with my neighbor, edith. shes this feisty little hippie lady in her mid 60’s, and she took me in when i was at my lowest. edith runs a quaint little bakery in town, which she sort of manipulated me into working at, but to be honest i’ve never minded. she has a luxurious garden thats full of herbs and spices used in her shop. we have spent many hours back there in her garden just talking, crying, laughing,. she taught me so much about the mysterious ways humans live and adjust. she would tell me stories from her life that taught her about empathy, love, betrayal, and remorse. i’ve learned a lot from ole edith and for that i will forever be in her debt.

edith is actually the one who convinced me to come back after all this time, to my home town. i didnt want to, for reasons obvious to both edith and i, but as i hinted at before, once edith wants something shes relentless. she told me to come and visit for a few days over halloween weekend, and if it was horrible i could give her a call and she would buy my train ticket back immediately. i reluctantly packed my bags and rang my parents to tell them the news.

so here i am, in the backseat of my family car that we have had since I was 10 years old, I can still smell the cigarette smoke from when my mom was an avid chain smoker in the early 90’s. i have the window down letting the sharp, icy wind swirl my hair all about my face. my headphones are blaring against my ears so loud that im almost positive my parents could hear the music over the wind. i’ve been playing matchbox twenty’s “yourself or someone like you” album on repeat the entire train ride here, and I don’t know if it’s the nauseating loneliness in rob thomas’ voice blasting into my head for hours or if it’s the weight that these familiar streets carry but im starting to feel very anxious and lightheaded the closer we get to home.

i let go of a shaky breath i didn’t know i was holding as we pass the skate park me and the boys spent a million nights at fucking around, smoking, getting drunk. i would always complain when steve brought his “magic dust”, but pj always promised if anything happened, he would make sure i was taken care of. bam and ryan always just laughed in my face and told me to loosen up, fucking assholes.  

bam margera has been my best friend ever since i can remember. we grew up next door to one another, and with no other neighboring houses being as close as ours are, it was inevitable that we would become attached at the hip. we would always hunt for bugs and crawfish down in the creek by my house and use them to scare his mom, april. i remember when ryan dunn moved to west chester, it was like our team was finally complete. we were literally the three musketeers, and no one could separate us. my mom always hated the fact her sweet little angel was being turned rotten by some gross little boys, but i think she grew to love them as much as i did over the years. our parents thought that once we hit puberty the three of us would naturally fall apart, but i think the awkwardness and uncomfortable changes of puberty only brought us closer. our interests obviously did start to differentiate more, like bam and ryan got into skating and bmx, and i got more into reading and writing, but it never caused a rift. they were my brothers, until the very end. until i left.  

i remember the day they introduced me to the rest of their friends. i only ever hung out with bam and ryan on our own, but i knew of their other friends through the stories they would tell me. that day bam and ryan said they were going to take me to the skate park to show me this “gnarly trick” that bam had finally mastered.

i always found it amusing because the guys absolutely refused to go to the actual skate park in town, we always went to this abandoned pool in the outskirts of the suburb that bam had declared their territory the beginning of freshman year.

i wanted to be supportive of his hobbies, so i went willingly, but turns out there was no trick and i had been lied to. i was greeted by many new faces that day, one being a face i will never forget.

i shake the memory of our first meeting from my mind as my dad pulls into the driveway. the lawn is decorated with the ghost decorations the boys and i made years ago for a halloween bonfire. i frown at the memory, wishing i could get amnesia to forget all these good things ive left behind. as i step out of the car my shoes make a squishy noise against the orange and yellow leaves that have fallen into the driveway. there are puddles soaking the pavement, turning it into a dark and depressing gray. mom told me over the phone yesterday about all the rain they have been getting lately. seems like even the weather in west chester was preparing for my arrival.

i look over to bams house and try to suppress the ache bubbling up in my chest. i don’t want to be here; I feel like my happiness is being slowly sucked out through ribs.

ever since i left this shitty little town ive been able to grow and become a better version of myself but being back has already started to affect me. i don’t want to revert back to the person that ive worked so hard to let go of, i want to be free from that life and those mistakes.

the whipping of birds playing above my head pulls me from my internal monologue and with my head hung low, i creep up the driveway. my hand touches the ice-cold knob, but something stops me from entering. I can’t put my finger on what exactly, but then I hear it, the faint rhythmic buzzing from the bass of someone’s car getting closer and closer. my eyes fly to the top of the hill near the end of the street, and I can feel my heart start beating harder and a knot growing larger in my stomach. for a split second i can’t differentiate between the bass vibrating the air around me and the deafening knocking of my heart at my ears. as the car came barreling down the street, my body starts to weaken and i feel as if all my bones have been replaced with jello.

they were in chris’s van, and they were listening to some weird band that bam was obsessed with (if i had to guess) on the loudest volume possible and with all of the windows down. i knew i needed to stop looking and go inside before I got caught, but something about seeing them acting so…normal…without me wouldn’t allow me to look away. however, that feeling is soon washed away by a tender ache piercing through my chest.

the pout on my lips is suddenly replaced with an emotionless, cold expression as i spot pj in the back seat. despite the look on my face, my heart has never felt so sore. his warmth is radiating through the car’s windows, and i feel like i can almost hear his rich, gravelly voice ringing in my ears. I can still remember the way his cologne would mix around in the air and fill my lungs with pine and cigarette smoke. I can still feel his soft palm and calloused fingers brushing along my lips and cheek, and his soft pink lips dancing over my jaw and down my neck. this is all too much.

as they pull into the driveway next door, i watch them file out of the van and into the garage. I take a second scanning over all of them, seeing new tattoos and new injuries. they were all there, from what i could see. chris, steve, ehren, dave, ryan, bam, and pj.

when I finally give my eyes permission to look at pj, i am met with those beautiful dark brown pools, that once held so much admiration for me. they were now full of confusion and anger.

it took me a second to even realize he had noticed me and from that point on all i could focus on was escaping the situation. i swing my backpack over my shoulder and rush for the front door, but by the time i pass through the threshold of my childhood home, full of so many memories, i knew the secret was already out.

© blackjello, 2022