#everyone on this show is a fucking pirate jesus christ

[portraitofadyke]

this show is literally about growing up in a cycle of abuse and toxic masculinity, having someone breathing down your neck and constantly pushing you back into it even if you want to break it. it's about getting that need to break it and do better, even if you think it's too late. it's about recognising your own wrongdoings and being reborn.

but according to some part of the fandom, it's about ed being an abuser just like his father and ed being destined to be abusive to stede, meanwhile izzy is a victim. the same man who shot down every chance at breaking away sooner.

nobody is saying ed is flawless. nobody is saying ed didn't do terrible things. nobody is saying izzy deserved to get his leg amputated. it's one thing to say 'in his spiral, ed ended up hurting a lot of people and causing them trauma and dragged them down with him in his suicie mission' and another to say 'ed is a canon abuser who abused izzy and the ed fans don't think izzy can be a victim bc he's portrayed as tough. oh, and he will absolutely abuse stede.'

this dynamic is not played by the book. how hard is it for some people to grasp some more complicated forms of abuse? how hard is it to recognise emotional abuse? how hard is it to comprehend the power another person can have over someone who is perceived as invincible? piracy is a constant cycle of violence, and ed wanted an out. now he has it, with someone who's very much the opposite of everything he was told to be. Izzy breathed down his back and tried to knock him back into the perfect Blackbeard he wanted, going as far as killing his significant other, and he got the worst of it, and he got to grow. they were both dependent on blackbeard, and they let him go. it wasn't too late, izzy got to be just izzy, despite being the breathing walking epitome of piracy. that's it, that's the show. it tells us you're not your past trauma and even if you fucking lose yourself, because life is a dick and you probably will lose it, you can get back up, it's never too late

(source https://blakbonnet.tumblr.com, i'm not sure if it's loading in the gif)

[sapphicsigh]

I don't want a 3rd szn without Izzy. I just don't. Call me dramatic or whatever, but I'm so genuinely heartbroken by his death. I feel so betrayed. Izzy was the heart of the show, and now he's gone.

The aftermath of his death felt rushed, he wasn't buried at sea (like what the fuck, a lifelong pirate like Izzy would've wanted to be buried at sea) and the crew was just happy to get back on the revenge and set sail without their unicorn? Everyone just gets a happily ever without Izzy? Izzy died a painful death shot by a pompous asshole and for what? Some metaphor about the end of the golden age of piracy? Piss off. Closure for Ed? That could've been achieved a number of other ways. Izzy couldn't get any assurances that HE was loved? Even on his fucking deathbed? The man who protected the crew with life and limb? It doesn't feel right, and it never will. Izzy deserved so much better, and so did Con.

And worst of all, perhaps, is that Djenkins was planning on killing him all along. The whole time, while we were falling in love with the little angry man, rooting for him and rejoicing when he wore makeup in front of the crew and was vulnerable with them...he was a dead man walking.*

*I've seen ppl make rlly good points about how death was treated throughout the show and I wanted to add that context here. If I can find whose post I'm thinking of, I'll tag them

**Edit: Izzy's death was an incredible shock. EVERYONE ELSE IN THE SHOW survived their near death experiences!!! Stede got choked near to death, stabbed (twice!), and survived all of that unscathed. Ed got his head smashed in by a FUCKING CANNONBALL, pumbled by the crew and made it out with barely a scrape. Even Calico Jack could've (apparently) escaped death after being shot with a goddamn cannonball. The Swede was poisoned but was already immune to it. Wow! We (at least I felt this way), as an audience, believed that there wouldn't be any character deaths due to the overwhelming evidence we'd been given thus far. So after alllll the in show evidence that the laws of medicine or physics don't apply to ANY of the pirates, why suddenly apply it when it comes to Izzy? Hmmm??? It makes no fucking sense. It's cruel and unusual punishment. They really killed off the queer disabled elder??? Jesus christ. Did not a single person in the writer's room have a qualm about it? The optics alone are bad. But more importantly, killing off the queer disabled elder is inherently political, whether djenkins thought of it that way or not (& i dont think he did). The mere existence of queer people is inherently political in a society (the US), which wishes for our eradication. So killing off a beloved queer disabled elder, on a show which seemed to promise us queer joy and a happy ending, IS POLITICAL. it's a slap in the face and a punch through the fucking gut.

It feels doubly awful because we, as an audience, were given something we've never had before, an unapologetically queer show. One that didn't soften or censor itself for straight viewers. It was created with such love, at least it felt like, for us. So to be given that gift, and to feel recognized and seen and appreciated, only to have it snatched away...

I can only speak for myself, of course, but it's genuinely heartbreaking. I'm so utterly disappointed. I wish so badly that Con got more time with Izzy. I think Izzy means a lot to him, and he means a lot to us, too.

❤️‍🩹🦄❤️‍🩹I love you, Izzy, and I always will. Rest in peace, my little meow meow, you were and are so loved.❤️‍🩹🦄❤️‍🩹

[swampstew]

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 9

Welcome to Raven’s Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight’s story. Rated Mature for language. Minors DNI

*Phone app notification goes bing bong*

TikTok – KillerCook has uploaded a new video. Check out their page and make sure you turn on notification so you don’t miss any content!

Title: Countless Cupcakes Description: It’s Heat’s birthday! Enjoy this compilation video of us smashing cupcakes in his face. 4 minute, 30 second video. The thumbnail is Heat’s face, covered with a healthy amount of colorful frosting, someone made a smiley face over where his lips would be, his eyes are blazing red.

*Press Play*

“Hello everyone! KillerCook here with some exciting news – one of my best buddies, FlamingHot420, is celebrating his {redacted} years on this planet. So how else can we show him we love him? By smashing cupcakes in his face when he least expects it. Everyone on the crew made a different flavor, some might be boozy, some might have a surprise inside, and some might be edibles. Let’s see how fucked up we can get him! Make sure you wish him a happy birthday in the comments – and only happy birthday – OR ELSE!” Killer’s finger wagged at the camera before he picked up a cupcake. It was wrapped in a metallic blue foil, topped with blue frosting and vertical white chocolate stripes.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUCKER!!” the blonde suddenly screamed as he threw his cupcake across the room. The camera panned to follow the baked confection’s trajectory. Flying through the air until it splattered hilariously into the tall, blue haired cutie. His suit and tie t-shirt was immediately covered as frosting dripped from Heat’s face.

With closed eyes, Heat poked his tongue out and licked the ruined treat hanging off his lip. “Hmmm, blueberry with toasted coconut? Damn that’s RICH. What’s the aftertaste I’m getting, white chocolate?”

“You’re not wrong,” Killer mused, pulling a long spoon from the hole in his helmet, licking up frosting from the bowl. “The white chocolate was to mask the weed taste. I forgot how many grams I put in it.”

“Jesus Christ Killer.”

“I’m lying,” Killer whispered to the camera when it panned back to his face. “I know exactly how much I put in it.”

Kid burst into the background wearing several pointed party hats on his head that resembled a spiky bike helmet, bulky stereo perched on his shoulder that was on but not playing anything.

“KID PIRATES – ASSEMBLE!!!!!!!!”

Before Heat could move, more of the crew began filtering into the kitchen space, each one holding a different cupcake in hand, all wearing party hats and mischievous smirks on their faces.

“Ah shit,” Heat’s shoulders slumped, “You’re really gonna make me run on my birthday?”

“Only if you don’t want to get {redacted} {redacted} to {redacted} and {redacted} gang-bang style,” Kid roared with laughter as his own comment.

“KID YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ON CAMERA!” Killer whipped a spatula full of blue frosting at the Captain.

The redhead dodged the creamy frosting and pressed play on the stereo, blaring a popular birthday rap song that made the speakers boom.

“ATTACK!” The redhead grabbed the second cupcake Wire held in his hand, smushing it into Heat’s gaping jaw. The piped red frosting smeared over Heat’s lips, the cake itself crumbling and squeezing through Kid’s hand as he crushed it for maximum mess.

Heat jumped back for space, pushing aside Killer and Jaguar as he raced for the door to the yard, half choking and half going mmmmmmm at the flavor.

“Was that real Fireball whiskey?!” Heat hoarsely cried out as he stumbled through the threshold.

“YOU BETCH’Y’RE ASS IT IS!”

“You guys are gonna kill me!”

With the same rap song laid over the rest of video, the remaining minutes were a compilation of short clips of each member of the crew smashing their cupcake wherever they could reach on the tattooed bluette. Heat would eat whatever remains he could gobble up and call out the flavors as the camera chased behind him, the rest of the crew coming in and out view as they creatively tried to dive bomb and trip the birthday boy so they could throw cake in his face.

“Chocolate Peppermint!”

“Matcha and Cinnamon!”

“Purple…velvet? You can make red velvet purple? Is there a blue velvet?!”

“Death by Chocolate!”

“Pistachio Rosebud? Didn’t expect that from you Pomp.”

“Pink Lemonade? Do I look like a bitch?”

“Margarita alright that’s more like it!”

“ICE CREAM IN THE MIDDLE! HOLY FUCK!”

“Plain vanilla? Really? Are you basic?”

“Caramel Latte? I feel fancy.”

“NO THE PRESENTATION EVEN LOOKS LIKE A MOSCOW MULE DON’T—”

“Carrot cake!”  

“Boston Crème! That is decadent!”

“Bro I love Cinnamon Toast Crunch!!”

“Mimosa? Is it bottomless? No really is there more?”

“CANNOLI?! Mama Mia…”

“You know I’m a sucker for Kahlua, Wire. Easy win you bastard.”

“Cheesecake center? Well damn!”

“DON’T YOU DARE THROW THAT PICKLE LOOKING CONCOCTION AT ME GIG I’LL FUCKING KILL—” *spews it out. *

“It looks like the Grinch. Is it the Grinch? Is that would the Grinch would taste like? He tastes like weed…ooohhhh.”

“Rumchata? Look at you, fancy as fuck, House.”

“Bro the cookie dough presentation, cookie dough frosting, and cookie dough cake flavor is fucking me up. Was that all cooked – none of it was raw right????”

“Is that real marshmallow fluff? Oh it’s s’mores I love that!”

“Is that supposed to be brains? Jesus Christ I don’t wan— oh! It’s raspberry!”

“CHURRO! BITCH I LOVE CHURROS!”

“…That crème brulee frosting looks sus…”

“Pumpkin Spice, hell yeah.”

“Lemon custard!”

“Caramelized Pear? Oh shit that’s divine!”

“Aw it’s my face!” – SPLAT – “Mmm, yes I do feel like if I was a cupcake flavor, I would be Guiness Chocolate. Exquisite.”

The video ends with a repeat of the chorus fading and a still frame of the Kid Pirates laying down on the floor looking drunk and covered in frosting and cake. Heat is in the center, completely passed out. As the video fades to black, KillerCook’s logo floats to the center before the video ends.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

[sierrajanesims]

Because I’ve gone off the rails and have now recorded and posted a bunch of Podfics I figured I’d just make a masterpost here and update when applicable. If you’re interested in hearing audio versions of some awesome OFMD fan fictions, find me on SoundCloud to hear the following fics:

“when you love it” by mia_ugly

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: Stede’s being kissed before the door fully clicks shut behind him.

Original fic here

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“always seeking (however scary)” by ShowMeAHero

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic Summary: “Let’s get him out of those wet clothes, then, hm?” Ed suggests.

Stede hesitates, then draws backward to look into Izzy’s eyes, all bright and curious and concerned and tender and— Jesus motherfucking Christ—

“Would that be something you wanted?” Stede asks him.

Say it, say it, say it, Izzy tells himself. You’re better than this. You’re stronger than this. You want it. Fucking take it.

“Yes,” Izzy tells him. “I’m— Yes, fuck, would you just—”

Original fic here

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“To the Lonely Sea and the Sky” by zythepsary

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic Summary: The core concepts had always seemed fairly simple to Stede: block like that, swing like this, try not to get stabbed. Izzy made it look infinitely more complicated and somehow, too easy. He moved like water, without hesitation.

Izzy decides Stede needs proper swordplay lessons.

Original fic here

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“Late Night Vulgarities” by Luddleston

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: It figured that the moment Stede's libido decided to rear its head, he’d be sharing a room.

When Stede finds himself fantasizing about Ed and desperate for relief, he's pleased to discover that Ed is fast asleep, which means Stede can basically go to town as long as he keeps himself reasonably quiet.

Ed is not fast asleep. Ed is not even a little bit asleep at all. Ed is listening to Stede pant and whisper his name, and he's losing his entire fucking mind about it.

Original fic here

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“it’s worth it, it’s divine” by beepbeep4

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: Ed wears one of Stede's silk robes. Things escalate quickly.

Original fic here

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“A Gentleman Walks Into a Bar” by Cyborgshepard

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: “Everyone’s got a tribe. Like finding like. Where do you think you fit?”

He's never felt like he fit anywhere. Like a lighthouse, obstructive and crude, stuck on a cold, craggy shoreline, Stede is perpetually catching sight of others skirting around him in his light, before looking away again.

“Honestly, I’m just– just Stede.”

Boring. Divorcee. A late-bloomer and metaphorical virgin to the nuances of the modern gay man.

Ed hums, stretches his legs again. The leather of his pants crinkles. “I like that.”

Original fic here

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The Two Birds series by red-sky-in-mourning:

“The Nest That Hope Builds” by red-sky-in-mourning

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: Leave it to the Gentleman Pirate to show up in the middle of an ambush.

Now Ed's got two immediate problems on his hands, and he's not sure which one's bigger—the crew of the attacking ship pouring over the starboard side of the Revenge, swinging their cutlasses, or Stede Bonnet's crew charging across the port rail with their knives and clubs, yelling loud enough to drown out the enemy cannons.

Fucking fuck.

Original fic here

“My Boat Is Empty, My Heart Is Full” by red-sky-in-mourning

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: Stede and Ed share an intimate moment, and memories of intimate moments, on their last night aboard the Revenge. What the next day brings will reshape their future on the high seas—and the fates of all who sail in their path.

A sequel to The Nest that Hope Builds. Reading the prequel is recommended, but this story can be somewhat comfortably read as a standalone. Contains potential (unconfirmed) spoilers for S2.

Original fic here

————————————————————

“So Good for Him” by leaveanote

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: Ed still isn't used to being vulnerable. But Stede's praise unlocks a part of him he didn't know he had.

And fuck, it feels good.

Original fic here

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“Intimately Rearranged” by givemebaretrees

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic Summary: Izzy needs a shave, after an injury makes him unable to hold a razor. Unfortunately for Izzy, he learns something new about himself when Stede steps in to assist.

Original fic here

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“A Laughing Matter” by mxwicked

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic summary: “Now you’re—” Stede babbles, going absolutely pinkish. “You’re laughing again!”

Ed nods, still giggling. “I’m just—I’m sorry, it’s not because—”

“Am I doing something wrong?”

“Stede, darling,” Ed says, cupping Stede’s face. “Don’t be foolish. It’s because you’re doing something right.”

Or: Stede’s never laughed during sex before. Hell, he’s barely even smiled. So when Edward can’t stop giggling during their first time, he’s not really sure what to think.

Original fic here

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Unpleasantdiversions Fluffy Kinktober-ish Swirl fics:

1. The One at the Coffee Shop

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic summary: Baby gay Stede Bonnet just wants a coffee. Leather daddies Ed & Izzy cut in line & take him out back to make up for it.

Written for days 1 & 2 of Kinktober & Flufftober combined: warm drinks, 1st dates, blindfolds & clothed sex. Modern AU. Previously posted as a chapter in "Fluffy Kinktober-ish Swirl."

Original fic here

2. The One With the Apologies

Rated: Teen

Pairing(s): sort of Edward Teach/Izzy Hands, implied future Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic summary: Set just a bit after S01E10. Content includes: leather care, depression, mention of toe, heartbreak, cuddling, and one dude who has like no idea whatsoever that he's in love. Rated T to keep in line with the general rating of the show.

Written for day 3 of Kinktober & Flufftober combined: leather, caretaking. Canon era. Previously posted as a chapter in "Fluffy Kinktober-ish Swirl."

Original fic here

3. The One On a Technicality

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands, Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic summary: Featuring an ill-fated attempt at on-deck sfw aftercare, a retreat to a private space, & a bit of preparatory head. The "coming untouched" is after the "getting hard touched," so maybe it's coming untouched on a technicality.

POV flips when they go below deck. Set in some vague happily-ever-after steddyhands future.

Written for days 4 & 5 of Kinktober & Flufftober combined: aftercare/afterglow, oh moment, desk sex, coming untouched. Previously posted as a chapter in "Fluffy Kinktober-ish Swirl."

Original fic here

4. The One With Only One Bed

Rated: Teen

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic summary: Ed/Izzy, rated probably T or even gen? it's very soft but there is a mention of a raid having happened.

Takes place in some nebulous future steddyhands situation.

Written for day 6 of Kinktober & Flufftober combined: bathing & only one bed. Previously posted as a chapter in "Fluffy Kinktober-ish Swirl."

Original fic here

5. The One With Size Queen Stede (Coffee Boys 2)

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic summary: Steddyhands, probably a loose-ish definition of size kink, Stede has eyes for getting fucked with something big. Bottom Stede.

Written for day 7 of Kinktober & Flufftober combined: movie night, size kink. Previously posted as a chapter in "Fluffy Kinktober-ish Swirl."

Original fic here

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(to kneel) grotesque and bare by jasontoddbootysquad

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet, sort of Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands, implied future Edward Teach/Izzy Hands

Fic summary: Izzy remembers a French vessel wreathed in flames, and the screams of powdered aristocrats as they leapt from the burning ship into the dark waters below. He remembers a cocky smile silhouetted against the raging fire as Stede Bonnet climbed clumsily back aboard the Revenge.

Izzy sees the sharp lick of those flames in his eyes as Stede whispers, “Kneel.”

The third time Izzy tries to kill Stede, they throw him in the brig. Stede eventually realizes talking it through may not be the most effective course of action.

Original fic here

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i myself am the pedestal by jasontoddbootysquad

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet, Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands, Edward Teach/Izzy Hands, sort of Stede Bonnet/Izzy Hands

Fic summary: Izzy faces Stede head on, not breaking eye contact as he peels the glove from his right hand, unknots the leather bands tied above his elbows, loosens the scarf around his neck. He tosses each item petulantly onto the floor between them as he peels off layer after layer of linen and leather, baring himself to the man in front of him.

The only thing that doesn’t make it to the floor is the ring at the base of his throat. He slips it onto the middle finger of his right hand, twisting it once, twice to warm the metal against his flushed skin.

Izzy gets released from the brig.

Original fic here

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Bad to the Bone; Sick as a Dog by Antimonicacid

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet, Stede Bonnet/Israel Hands, some bit of Edward Teach/Israel Hands

Fic summary:

During a heated altercation, Izzy slips up and calls Stede “Daddy.” Stede interprets this to mean that Izzy clearly views him as a father figure, and needs a nurturing parental figure in his life. Izzy interprets this as yet another sign from God that he should've thrown himself overboard long ago.

Original fic here

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“To be just a footnote in their paragraph” by foxtails

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Lucius Spriggs, Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary:

There was always going to be a catch. There was always going to be some kind of terrible thing to counteract the unexpected selflessness of the two most selfish men Lucius knows.

And the terrible thing is sex. Because of course it is.

or: Lucius and the worst temporary roommates ever.

or: seventeen bad decisions in one sexy unethical trenchcoat: the musical

Original fic found here

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The “per my last email” series by ephemeralgrime

“late night talking” by ephemeralgrime

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Stede Bonnet/Lucius Spriggs, background/past Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet, background Lucius Spriggs/Black Pete

Fic Summary:

“I can see what you listen to on Spotify, you know,” Lucius says, crossing one leg over the other. “You’ll have to tell me — how was ‘Sad Girl Starter Pack?’”

"Lucius, I’m doing just fine,” Stede sniffs.

Lucius says nothing, just tips his glass to finish his drink so he can use the coaster to fan himself. He lets the silence stretch until Stede’s unstoppable impulse to chatter finally wins out.

“Alright,” Stede sighs, taking a prim sip of his beer. “I admit I may be feeling a little adrift.”

Original fic here

“played it so nonchalant” by ephemeralgrime

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet/Lucius Spriggs, Stede Bonnet/Lucius Spriggs, Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet, Edward Teach/Lucius Spriggs, Lucius Spriggs/Black Pete

Fic Summary:

Six months ago, Lucius had just been fired by Edward and was crying into an emergency midday gin and tonic until Pete could beg off work early and rescue him. And now he’s here, eating nighttime eggs and drinking champagne in his loft apartment after fucking his boyfriend.

Twice.

“Was it just me,” Pete says, awed, to the empty space where Edward just was. “Or was he hitting on you?”

Original fic here

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The “an eternal spring [our flag means death au-pril 2023]” series by ShowMeAHero:

“as if two particles from one” by ShowMeAHero

Rated:Explicit

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: 

Still.

He likes Ed. He likes him so, so much. Too much to lie to him about this, and still, so much that it’s going to tear him apart when Ed leaves him.

Even if this was just supposed to be a bi-monthly thing. Acquaintances-with-benefits.

Friends-with-benefits, if Stede’s the one being asked.

More than that.

Stede would make Ed everything, if he asked.

(Already, he sort of is.)

Original fic here

“like my reflection (you move when I do)” by ShowMeAHero

Rated:Teen and Up

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: 

“Oh, shit, thank God,” Stede exhales in a rush. “Ed, don’t move— You’re okay, alright? You just had a little fall, don’t move.”

“Stede?” Ed asks, groggy, confused. “What— Were we— Shower?”

Stede strokes Ed’s wet hair back a bit, tells him, “No, we weren’t showering. You slipped in the shower yourself, darling. I just called for help, you’re going to be okay. Don’t— Ed, don’t move your head, stop—”

“I’m okay,” Ed says, like Stede didn’t just find him naked and unconscious on the floor of his own bathroom.

Original fic here

“let the sugar sit ” by ShowMeAHero

Rated:Teen and Up

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: 

r/HobbyDrama

u/DreadPirateBlackberries ● 4d

[Preserves and Jams] I confronted the jammer who kept buying all the empty jars from every store in the tri-county area and we ended up falling in love; now we make and sell our own preserves and jams and marmalades and everything. Here’s how people liking our jam too much almost destroyed my husband on our wedding day.

Original fic here

“Meet and Greet” by ShowMeAHero

Rated:Explicit

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: 

Ed’s not a superfan. He’s not. He’s just— a really, really big fan, who is also a very casual, normal fan, and he’s behaving very normally right now, because Stede really is just a guy. He’s an incredible guy, funny and handsome and just as kind as he’s always seemed, but he’s just a guy. A very talented guy. A guy that lots of people would like to be this close to.

Just a guy. Just a regular guy.

That Ed wants to kiss very, very badly.

Original fic here

“Cross the Finish Line” by ShowMeAHero

Rated:Explicit

Pairing(s):

Oluwande Boodhari/Jim Jimenez, Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary:

It’s a perfect distraction, and Oluwande slips from the madness into the darkness. All the sounds cut out abruptly, immersing him in silence.

His adrenaline keeps moving, blood still buzzing, heart thumping hard and fast in his chest. His cock’s still impossibly hard, the afterimage of Jim still burning in his eyes like he’s stared at the sun for too long.

‘Follow me,’ they’d said, deep voice curling warm and syrupy in his ear, and then they were gone—

—and now they’re here again, shoving Oluwande up against the closed door to the track.

Original fic here

“roasters’ revenge” by ShowMeAHero

Rated: Teen and Up

Pairing(s): 

Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: 

Inside the sticker on the thermos he gave Stede is Ed’s handwriting: Ed Teach, the customer who wants to take you out for drinks next time, with his phone number written beneath.

Heart racing, tongue heavy, throat closing up a bit, Stede points to the number and asks, “For me?”

“Yeah, that’s for you,” Ed says, distracted. “Listen, are you sure you don’t have any allergies, Stede? Because your face is getting all fucking— red, and shit.”

“I’d like to go on a date with you,” Stede tells him through a strange white haze.

His breath’s growing tight, his chest strange; he’s never been asked out by somebody he really likes before, he thinks.

Original fic here

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The “oh my god they were roommates” series by fake_geek_boy:

“Sex Ed” by fake_geek_boy

Rated:Explicit

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary:

“Wait, hold on.” Ed is having trouble wrapping his head around this. “What do you mean you don’t own a vibrator? Like… you couldn’t sneak them out of the house when you moved into residence and haven’t gotten more, or…?”

“What? No! I’ve just… never bought one.” Stede’s face is bright red, and Ed almost feels bad for him, but this is blowing his entire goddamn mind.

OR

Ed finds out that Stede's never used a vibrator, and decides to do something about it.

Original fic here

“Starve Without You On My Lips” by fake_geek_boy

Rated:Explicit

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary:

If anyone asked, Ed would tell them that he’s one hundred percent completely fine and happy with the way everything has been going between him and Stede these last few weeks.

Fortunately, no one has asked. Ed doesn’t like to lie any more than he can help it.

He’d thought—hoped, really—that things would be different after what he’s been mentally referring to as “The Vibrator Incident.” It had certainly felt like things were different, at least at the time. After all, you can’t just… rub one out with your roommate who’s also your best friend who you’re definitely not a little in love with…you can’t do that and not have anything change, right?

Original fic found here

————————————————————

“you’re waking meadows in my mind” by raspberryseashanty

Rated: Explicit

Pairing(s): Anton/Viago (What We Do in the Shadows)

Fic Summary:

The first time it happens, Anton can blame it on the adrenaline.

Alternate title: 5 times Anton & Viago 'accidentally' share a moment of intimacy, and 1 time they do it on purpose.

Original fic here

————————————————————

“Going Steddy” by SierraJaneSims

Rated: General Audiences

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: 

Based on a twitter prompt from @gentlesbeard profile: "Stede comes out to Ed as gay with a whole big speech about how he hopes this doesn’t ruin their friendship but he can’t hide it anymore. Ed thought they were already dating."

Original fic here

————————————————————

“Soft (A Love Story in Three Bites)” by mia_ugly

Rated:Explicit

Pairing(s): 

Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)

Fic Summary: 

Crowley was an angel, once. Before she fell.

Aziraphale was a warrior (she fell too. In her own time.)

Featuring the poems “Three Bites” by pinehutch

Original fic found here

Poems inspired by this fic that are included found here

————————————————————

The “AM” series by oatmilktruther

“Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?” by

Rated: Teen and up

Pairing(s):

Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary:

Ed only calls Stede when he's high, until one night he isn't.

Original fic found here

“I Want It All”

Rated: Teen and Up

Pairing(s): Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Fic Summary: A sequel to “Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?”

Original fic here

[kotaboda]

everyone being upset at watcher is just. its annoying tbh. people cant make up their minds about wanting less ads and having creators not having their creations and income be controlled by whoever is hosting their creations, and they cant differentiate between small group merely changing where they host their content and how it's paid for and a big media corporation trying to make more money than they already do, etc

this is literally no different than if they had locked all their videos behind a patreon tier of 5 bucks. but at least this way, they don't have to give a cut of that 5 dollars to fucking patreon. "well they should've moved instead to an existing popular streaming service" yea so they can be subjected to whatever control and extortion those streaming services do as well? none of them are good fucking options. Dropout is clearly doing well enough on their own why cant Watcher do this to keep making shows they want and give people an option to directly support them instead without some corporation taking a cut?

this isnt some major media corporation making its own streaming service to charge you $15 bucks a month to make an extra buck. this is a small group of people trying to take control of their own creations and make it sustainable so everyone gets paid what they should. subscriptions are just a reliable source of income. merch is not.

i can understand the desire for maybe at least some of the content to be free and the rest under a subscription to directly support them. but jesus fucking christ stop treating them like they made some big media corporation that made an evil capitalist decision my god

just cancel your subscription to a major streaming service and pirate whatever the hell you want from them and then actually pay small creators. its 5 fucking dollars.

[awigglycultist]

Random How the Grunch Cribbed Christmas thoughts/fav things/live blog/ect. Look you know the drill probably.

"Jinkles Christ what an embarrassing way to start!"

"shake your asses!"

Also Esther with the lights on them djdjjd

*farts into mic* "L'Chaim"

Why is Gwen flossing oh god

The applause sign nddbbd

Esther showing everyone a qr code for everyone to give them money ndjdn

"I can't believe you trust the internet with your money, I keep mine where its safe, irl in the unlocked glove department of my van parked out front... Theres cameras! Jesus Christ!"

"in your hometown where you would revice no attention or fame :)"

"and we're out!" "glad I don't have to listen that" "oh you know what sorry now we're out"

"I got an appointment out back with Jolly Ol Saint Dick"

The whole bit with Scrags interrogating Rudy nfjdd

"she knows we have a special bond. And I think her husband knows that too"

"Keith Swanson you puckish imp!"

"yeah we all agree she's trying to pig out on that Keith beef in thr sheets right?"

I think I would die if I was Ace

Poor Scrags

"it's also a waste of my stage time"

There he is. There's the grunch.

"I do not want to look like one of those amateur shows where there's a long blackout and people judt stumble around like idiots"

Ah yes non denominational Santa

"how old are you supposed to be in this song?" "six" "six?"

"Santa" "what?" "boner" "fuck"

Buddy they seem like they wanna fuck you bc of the song

"baby J, papa G, and... The third one"

"or join us on the naughty list" "I totally fucking will" "Keith"

"project"

Esther not being able to read the card is so funny

I love how fucking excited Esther is the moment they see Kirk

Rip Scrags

"my absolute. Best. Friend."

The Esther and Kirk handshake is incredible

I immediately absolutely love Kirk also so I get where Esther is coming from

"happy... Christmas everyone!"

Orlando's entrance is absolutely wonderful

"oh hey uhmm" "it's like the reindeer" "reindeer"

"and that's my childhood trauma.. Being privileged."

"do what my family did, celebrate both" "pft okay. You can do that!?"

"aren't you a sight for whore eyes"

I'd love to know if this would take place before or after ep1 of sisbib bc of Rhoda's Ark being one of the sponsorships

The absolute tension between Gwen and Lisa

"move on!"

Scrags has no idea what he's doing

"will the squad ever come to Florida?" "absolutely not"

"as the only Christian in the squad uhm... It me" "okay, holy spirit doesn't equate to holiday spirit dipshit" "oh my god can Christians just come out on top for once?"

Omg Nick Gage could write an awesome rock song about Christmas

The bit where Esther is on the floor seemingly about to fall asleep only to go right back into the song is great

Honestly incredibly rude if the grunch to knock everything over after Scrags just cleaned up, I don't even care about him stealing presents or....pissing into the diffuser

"if Gwen was giving anyone a handjob I would know about it!"

"do we have any fuckable singles in the audience?"

"I'm joking! I'm half joking"

So who's gonna do the math to figure out how many lawsuits he has against him and how many years he was in prison

I love Orlando

Also. I shout this out all the time but absolute shout out to the background acting in this show

Are they allowed to use this song?

Keith absolutely ROCKING OUT

Scrags screaming omh

"oh I don't know maybe a vengeful monster wHO WE JUST BEETLEJUICED INTO EXISTENCE"

"OH YEAH EAT SHIT ACE!"

Ah finally. Brian playing a women

"multi-generational ogies with the neighbours"

No he's right Pirates are super cool

:( Scrags <3 beloved poor guy

Joey saying bye to that person getting up in the middle of a song djdndkdb also that person left for the bathroom at the wrong time. Like they left right around the start of the song and then came back at the very end of it when everyone was absolutely going crazy applauding for the song, they really missed the best song

We definitely need more Joey and Corey duets

"what do you want Scrags?" "DAAADDD"

"Scrags what were you thinking?" hey it's not his fault you went live right as he had an emotional song with Orlando about his daddy issues

Omg didn't know Brian could play violin

Scrags just. Sulking. In the background.

Scrags putting up the applause sign for the show getting cancelled ndkdndnd

Keith having these signs prepared to ask for a threesome. Omg.

Brian quick changes!!

Honestly tho what a fun uplifting song

Their step forwards djdndn

"to get over this whole sad boy routine..."

"a threesome with her and who else?" *gets down on one knee and presents himself*

"this is a really long black out"

Joey nearly knocking over the mic sjdndj

"hide your kids hide your wives hide your presents!"

"maybe finally this year the grunch will finally take me and this nightmare will be over"

"he thinks moses is like the Santa of Hanukkah and I thought it was too funny to correct"

Yeah this really is terrifying

Keith you idiot

Yeah go off Gwen

Scrags and Esther doing hand motions in the background for the notes and make faces while Gwen misses her notes kdnddn

"his stink glands you see... We're.. So... Fucking bad"

Wonderful accent Scrags

The slow no fighting ndjd

Oh boy there's three grunches now!

Scrags finally held the sign up right :)

How dare they not give him a song

"Orlando, you remember!" "absolutely not."

Keith yelling "this is what I do when I'm happy!" when Esther tells him to stop flossing sjdbdn

Rip Rudy

YEAH WOO ESTHER

"some random y2k spy wear I had lying around"

"EFFECT ALTRUISM BITCHES" FUCK YEAH ESTHER

YEAH THEY SURE ARE THE MIRACLE

The fact Keith's first wet dream was too one of Esther's parents....

"yeah I got a lot of guilt" "ah yethe one thing you Catholics and us Jews have in common" "pretty sure the Jews call it 'gelt'" "nah that's chocolate coins" "no it's not"

"how many nights of Hanukkah are there??"

Reprise time!

WOO ACE!!

This show really is great and I Iove the music and really wish more people were watching it and talking about it

[troythings]

so im back again looking at dc’s original sin and their recent hypocrisy over depicting human rights, and this time its bruce timm’s dcau. you know, the one where batman is a groomer and sleeps with babs.

yeah. no shit they mess everything up. continued under the cut

in the amazons-centered episode “fury” there’s explicit war crimes. aresia, who will grow up to be an amazon intent on murdering every man in the world, witnesses victorious enemy soldiers opening fire inside houses and bombing her village. when she and her mother escape to a refugee ship, armed pirates take everything and then blow it up as they’re leaving.

this? this is actually a decent depiction of war for a so-called kids show. they’re clearly capable. which should make one think, gee, are they going to apply that same careful treatment to other horrors that happened in real life?

….

haha oh boy. this entire 3-part episode was a disrespectful clusterfuck and the writers were completely self-aware that it was a disrespectful clusterfuck. and im going to tell you why.

1) horrible alternate history writing.

well. this had to be the most braindead attempt at alternate history ive ever seen (along with everything else dc has touched relating to wwii) and it’s only topped by spike tv’s alternate history, which has a similar scenario to this one.

so it’s 1944. d-day fails and is the “beginning of the end omg omg” for the allied powers. i assume they mean the western powers because apparently, no american audience gives a shit about the soviet union and their vital part in beating nazi germany more than we ever could. and you know, how they were literally fighting for their lives against an entire country that wanted to wipe them out as a people.

also notable is that they leave out the pacific theater. because nooooo we can’t make fantasy bullshit about imperial japan!! but somehow nazi germany is okay to include in your shitty superhero setup.

yeah. so we later learn that vandal savage got all of his information from a laptop equipped with a cd player (lmao good luck charging that) with some loaded tidbits on how to win world war ii. it’s all cliche shit that you would learn from the history channel. “bla bla, hitler too crazy bla bla, need better technology bla bla bla, also d-day, bla bla bla.”

jesus christ did they just get super stoned and then watch one (1) documentary?

the technology in question is literally spiky rolling pins and jet planes. sorry dc, fancy technology isn’t going to save a dying war effort against a country that’s already developing an atomic bomb. nazi germany was fucked at this point and everyone knew it. nothing was ever going to bring it back. sorry. that’s the truth. dc also seems to have this problem with the typical “nazis get the bomb” scenario. which, doesn’t work either by the way, because they thought “atomic science was jewish.”

and don’t come at me with that “it’s just alternate history” excuse. alternatehistoryhub and pretty much everyone called out spike tv for the exact same divergence. this shit doesn’t get a pass either. bad storytelling is just bad storytelling.

now, if it was about america i mean the allied powers going full scorched-earth and leaving savage’s germany a radioactive, infertile wasteland…maybe id like it. it would be somewhat better than the crap we got here.

tldr: vandal savage is your average sweaty laptop-bound hoi4 player looking for worldwide validation. he gets an idea to send all of his hoi4 tactics to his 1940s self. the nazis then win the war with giant killer rolling pins.

that’s it. that’s the plot.

2) explicit holocaust denial and revisionism.

this one was only implied throughout the episode, but it was actually confirmed by the producers and writers behind the episode:

so stan berkowitz really ran his mouth here. because apparently, “to kill lots of people [in campaigns such as the holocaust] requires effort and manpower that could have been put to use elsewhere better, like defending the country.”

….

okay.

so. the holocaust was industrialized to the extreme. it was not a ‘bad allocation of resources’ that ‘could have went somewhere better.’ it was linked to the war, especially in the eastern front, where the goal was to ethnically cleanse and enslave eastern europe and replace its reduced population with ethnic german settlers. everything about it was all planned and discussed. figures were laid out. thought was put into the extermination of entire groups of people. the final solution was only the start.

what kind of ‘wasted effort and manpower’ are we talking about here? the einsatzgruppen following behind the wehrmacht? that process was phased out, but not because it was a ‘drain on manpower.’ the nazis wanted a more ‘efficient’ way of executing mass murder that could be done faster and with the ‘best results.’ the extermination camp system was the answer to that. killings were mechanized via the gas chambers and bodies were disposed of in the crematoriums, rather than being routinely shot and disposed of in mass graves. the only argument i could see for ‘manpower’ is the camp personnel, but even then it wasn’t the personalized approach to killing that defined the einsatzgruppen. starvation, forced labor, brutal conditions, and illness were killing the surviving camp prisoners too.

and it was the whole point. the holocaust was a deliberately structured, planned nightmare meant to kill off thousands of people just for existing. nazi germany applied the lessons of the assembly line to mass murder. to characterize it as a ‘pointless waste of resources’ reeks of historical insensitivity and ignorance. removing it from nazi germany is enabling holocaust revisionism and denial. both of which are common today. now you have a history in the dcau where “the holocaust was either cut short or never happened at all.” by doing this, you are spitting on millions of people by suggesting, even in a fictional context, that their trauma never happened. you are delegitimizing the memory of the holocaust by deciding, intentionally, to whitewash it outright.

the problem isn’t just that they couldn’t depict the holocaust. it’s that they knew, and chose not to because it would break their whole narrative.

the rest it is typical cowardice and ignorant writing. ‘defending the country’ as if nazi germany hadn’t started the european theater on its own after making a false-flag attack? what kind of ‘defense’ are we talking about here? if you start a war and other people fight back, that’s on you, dumbass. you reap what you sow.

and this thing with savage apparently ‘stopping’ the holocaust by being ‘professional’ if there even is such a thing in wartime? is that supposed to make me empathize with the character somehow? “yuh he work for nazis and is ebil dictator but least he’s not a fanatical murdering racist hurr durr!!!”

which brings me onto the main problem here.

3) portrayal of nazi germany and nazism as an ideology in general.

i think you have a serious problem on your hands if you’re going to use the iconography and history of nazi germany, but then shy away from depicting it accurately. am i supposed to suspend my belief and accept that a bunch of violent racist shitstains allowed a non-german foreigner, who is canonically a caveman and most likely classified very low in the nazi racial hierarchy, to just walk in and take over just because of ‘cool technology?’ and then gets allowed to halt their genocide program based on racism and eliminationism literally in the ideology?

i’m going to tell you something that you probably don’t want to hear. vandal savage would not be accepted in anything near the nazi party. at best he’s denounced as a freak against nature (as pretty much every other metahuman would be, despite this whole ‘superhuman’ narrative that people are trying to conflate to nazi racism) and his plans are stolen and credited to some other asslicking sycophant. what does his dcau version have besides immortality? maybe he’s ordered to be killed and it obviously fails. but being immortal doesn’t mean you can’t feel pain. or that your brain won’t eventually snap from the helplessness of surviving everything, living with the humiliation and never being allowed to end it.

didn’t like that? sorry, that’s the reality of nazism, racism, and exclusionary eliminationist mentality in general for you.

in the episode, nazism doesn’t get much of an explanation besides the general “take over the world” bullshit. swastikas and iconography are conveniently censored out, which is a problem in itself. unless you’re following the law, like say in germany, if you have to censor out parts of nazi germany, ideology and iconography included, because its not ‘appropriate’ for your audience…then maybe, you should try another plotline instead of sanitizing history. which shouldn’t be a problem for the dcau in the first place, because, once again. they have shown literal scenes of war crimes being committed against a child and her fellow refugees.

but dc comics has a bad history with this topic overall, and im going to confidently say that i’ve never seen anything that depicts nazism, explicitly named, as accurately as it should be. j michael stracynski’s first volume of wonder woman odyssey does a great job at explaining the methodology of genocide and the banality of evil without ever bringing nazi germany into the equation. it’s not even set in world war ii at all, but there is some offhand imagery that invokes nazi mass murder nonetheless. and it’s not surprising, considering JMS has personal experience with the ideology. his own abusive father was a war criminal and nazi collaborator.

dc can portray the ideology accurately and with the respect that the victims deserve, both historical and modern day. anyone can, if they do enough research. but the problem is, most of their ‘fun ideas’ lose the plot when confronted with the real horrors that they can’t face. there is no ‘fun’ in any of this. you either accept that truth and write conscientiously, or you fuck off back to your lane and never go near the topic at all. because it’s better not to have exploitative stories than suffer through actually reading one.

4) superhero brainrot over reality.

so why did the writers knowingly erase the holocaust from the dcau and omit all explicit references to nazi germany, even as they depicted other war crimes elsewhere and actually had a character intent on committing a global genocide?

the answer is simple. they even admitted it themselves.

that’s right. they didn’t care for the millions of lives lost in world war ii, or the human cost of that period to the point where “genocide” was coined as a legal term for the first time. no, this entire thing started off the base desire to recreate the jingoistic, american war propaganda of the golden age and satisfy some kind of itch. style was the motivator here over substance. that’s all. their own words speak for themselves.

conclusion

unless they have a personal, even harrowing connection to the ideology or knowledge of the topic (as jms does with his family history, or someone who has seen the ideology up close), a majority of people in the comic industry do not care about depicting the horrors of reality accurately. their motives are small-minded and focused on escapism. what the dcau writers wanted was a modern version of the golden age propaganda, where the american public knew next to nothing of the details in the final solution and nazis were just ‘stock villains.’ it couldn’t work, not with the knowledge we have today. so they cut out the holocaust, censored everything incriminating and watered it down to the point where it didn’t really matter.

and who out there, except a couple of people, are actually talking about it? for the most part, nobody else in the industry or the consumer market seems to care. look at the writers who are actually taking inspiration from this, or people citing it as something ‘decent’ for storytelling.

haha. oh god. we’re fucked.

tldr: despite being more than capable of depicting war crimes: the dcau writers couldn’t handle the reality of nazi germany and the holocaust, but still wanted their world war ii propaganda copium, so they intentionally pissed away every drop of their remaining self-respect and somehow got away with it.

[vilixpran]

my shadow and bone s2 running thoughts

"there's only one bed!" speedrun

sometimes hot people can't act

this is actually.... not good

wow being incognito lasted three minutes

no hesitation to blow your cover

what a kind northern Irish village gentleman

the bitch is back, long live the bitch

show me a 40 year old! not every person alive is 25 and hot

genya's wig... ain't it

all he is is dumb and hot

let the fake Scandinavians mispronounce jail, show me realism

ah yes, we do cool nods at the wall of weapons

the ears are the sign of a good tracker, and mal sure does have two ears

Sea Whip, That Was Easy™️

all tell, no show, that's the way that we go

god inej is fit

total stranger, for now xx

they're just putting their faces close together on purpose

daaaamn these bitches dead and deading others

ah yes, ignite the bombs while you're in the room

pirate ship cult

Nikolai is a dork

how small is this ocean....

kazs PTSD, a running gag

baby girl, you won't "finally eradicate it for good" right now, it's episode three

aah so they fucked

TINY ROLLINS WEE SCOTTISH BAB

"hey babe, expose your knife wound while i trauma dump plot info"

god inej is fit

nina knows

god nina is fit too

*saoirse ronan* "women"

how many times can this man get stabbed in the shoulder? we're up to three

murder is good, murder is chill, i've got no qualms with murder

too many characters, too many plots, disproportionate amount of time spent on the crows and god bless them for that

"hey bro can i propose to your girlfriend bro"

the mood lighting in this plague cemetery, vibes

HORRIBLE FAKE SCANDINAVIAN LANGUAGE, HORRIBLE -10000/10

girlie pop, youve got to lose the signature fancy hat, you are the most recognisable

dat ass

my man is here to be petty and he's bringing friends along for the ride

no plot! only flirting! as we deserve

let them all be lesbians

SPEEDRUN WESPER

episode four and they're already fucking thank Christ

good good wylan and Jesper are off shagging, I can brood in peace

"no"

time isn't real! geography is a myth! our boats will get there when it's convenient for the plot!

we are criminals, rats of the barrel, and occasionally help foreign royals when they ask nicely

"warm, and wet" the crows in Shu han, the gift that keeps on giving

can't believe I have to watch some reylo shit all over again

Dominik Dominik I sense an ex friend with benefits with our man Nikolai

good let the twink talk to butterflies and ignore the suffering of his friends

deforest station

happy to have a himbo in tolya

not so much a slow death by poisoning as a chance for nice life affirming trips to remotivate our heroes in the ninth hour

"throwing up or hallucinations" the only two possible outcomes of poisoning

she's the avatar!

one night stand to soulmates pipeline

ah yes, continue to make out in the background for everyones big character revelations

"you're a part of me mal, I can't loose you" well murder him and eat his bones and he'll be with you forever

boyfriend to organ donor pipeline

star wars levels of hand amputation, now featuring Mother's Good Finger Bones

"and there was only one set!"

yeah like, they definitely used to fuck, surely

twenty minutes of this episode and no crows, for shame

the crows aka Deus ex machina but make it fun flirty and bisexual

more finger amputations, moooooreeeeee

woohoo C plot lesbians

queue the fire benders

little viking boy, drawing crosses in the sand

Matthias villian origin story set up for season three

fun fact, I don't actually want to see another finger amputation

blue skies and sunny yet these bitches can't see a thing

the location scout must have been so proud of themselves for finding this fort, so proud that they spent two episodes having two identical groups chasing each other around three walls

you know what this big battle scene needs? some music

unecessarily squishy icicle stab sound effects

FIVE MORE FINGERS CUT OFF JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

oh damn she actually did it

slaaaayyyy

"series regular" shows up every two episodes for a single scene unrelated to the main plot

why aren't they lighting the kindling from multiple places and especially from lower down?

good for inej

again with the tiny ocean and instantly finding exactly what you were looking for, ofmd logic

uh oh hehe

gross

[notsamsfanaccount]

it’s been hours and im still losing my mind over ed’s purgatory scenes and revival

he ABSOLUTELY deserved to get his fuckin skull bashed in btw

before this, i didn’t like izzy at all. he was the guy i only liked because i hated his guts and wanted to see more shenanigans involving no one else take him seriously. he was a mean little punching bag bastard who ruined his own fuckin life over and over. he made me unbelievably annoyed, but everything he did was also hilarious to me.

now?? i almost like him. driving me batshit. jim and archie are about to kill each other and suddenly i said OUT LOUD “get him izzy” because someone needed to rock blackbeard’s shit. unimaginable before this moment.

ANYWAY. my point is the purgatory shit. it breaks down ed to his absolute fundamentals. his captain was a piece of shit and somehow he’s managed to be worse than him by now. he still remembers felix and what happened to him, and he’s inflicted similar pain on his own crew.

said captain talks down to him and he can’t be stopped with brute force like everyone else in ed’s life. he’s renounced his big scary pirate name, going by ben, and is living on his own as a normal guy. he makes shoes and has a pet pig. it’s what ed wants for himself. safe vulnerability, domestic life, hobbies, and no name or reputation to follow him.

ed presenting himself as jeff is (from my perspective) the version of himself in his mind that hasn’t done anything bad. someone who stede would’ve associated with even if he hadn’t run off to be a pirate. jeff is invited to events and is adored by everyone in attendance. jeff owns an inn for weary travelers who are grateful for his help. it’s presented as comedic, and it is to some extent, but he’s not feared, he’s not loathed, and he hasn’t killed anyone.

the one con for ed living being “no one would be waiting for him” was fucking shattering. he did it to himself, and it’s what would’ve doomed him. if he hadn’t pushed izzy too far, he would’ve still had his loyalty to return to. he said it himself that he loved izzy. his own selfish self destructive nature has taken down everyone around him, and that’s what would’ve kept him dead. and he would’ve deserved it. his greatest fear is being unlovable, and now he’s gone and made it certain that no one loves him.

ben being a projection of himself hit me like a fuckin train. (i’m insulted as a viewer that apparently calico jack would’ve beaten me to the revelation, but whatever.) ben is who he feared, who he’s become, and who he wants to be in retirement. the thing causing ed to be so destructive is his own self loathing. i mean, that’s obvious, but when he figured it out along with all the other purgatory shit, it felt like a gut punch.

i thought the whole thinking spot thing was gonna be “HA gotcha!! if you didn’t wanna live you wouldn’t have followed me here to the top of a mountain! now go on and have a pulse again you violent bastard” but NO. he gets chucked into the ocean of death. cool. and then???? stede?????? fucking shows up?????? to talk to his corpse??????????? oh my god. i’m sobbing at this point because now, everything might just be okay. the second he hears stede’s voice, the rock around his waist comes untied. jesus christ. INSANE.

there is someone waiting for him. he isn’t unlovable. he can still have the life that we wanted with the person he wanted. mermaid stede was SO fucking stupid but i was crying too hard to care. as someone who has attempted before, someone who was left by someone i thought loved me, and someone who just really likes this stupid pirate show, i’m never gonna be the same.

[bruce-wayne-simp]

Ok im watching pirate radio/the boat that rocked because I'm a Tom Sturridge stan now

(The movie follows Carl (Tom Sturridge) a 17 year old who got expelled from school for doing drugs. His mother sent him to live on a boat with his godfather Quenton and the band of DJs who run the pirate radio. Shenanigans ensue, the British government tries to take them down, its a good time. Also its set in the late 60s)

I'm like 15 minutes in and it's awesome so I'm gonna liveblog i guess

This is gonna be very Carl-heavy (see 'im a Tom Sturridge stan' above)

Also spoilers if you care about being spoiled for a movie that came out in 2009

From the summary i thought Carl was gonna be some tough-guy rebel but he's just so smiley and innocent and respectful and it's rly sweet. Idk if it's a British thing or what but yeah

The guys are all very stereotypical "guys" and i honestly kinda love it

The one scene where Carl is kinda settling in on his first day and he comes into the Count's DJ space(?) is so funny. Hes like 'are you nervous' and gives Carl a hug then slaps his ass and tells him to get the fuck out

The f-word scene is BRILLIANT. Go watch the clip on youtube it's so good

Carl just revealed hes only been to all boys boarding schools and as a result he is a virgin and has also never kissed anyone. I know enough about this movie to know it comes up later. Also the way he can barely say 'sex' is adorable

Also Carl is very relatable

Midnight Mark is kinda hot ngl

Oh Jesus christ 🤦‍♀️

Apparently 'later' is NOW

Secondhand embarrasment galore oh my god 😭😭😭😭 poor Carl

Dave tried to trick his hookup by letting Carl have sex (basically rape) her so he could lose his virginity. For what it's worth, Carl is reluctant because of the morality of it (and he's an impressionable 17 year old) and she turns the light on and sees him and they both scream

Omg we're at the scene where we meet Bob. Poor Bob does the show early in the morning and nobody ever sees him so when he comes down in the morning everyones like 'who tf are you'

Thick Kevin: what was his name again?

Young Carl: Really?

Oh btw Thick Kevin and Young Carl are roommates on the ship

Aww Quenton gave Carl a date w his niece, Maryanne, for his birthday

Lmaoo he literally said hi to Maryanne and then left and is asking Dave for a condom

'Do you know how it works?' Carl, babe, your answer doesn't sound very convincing

Carl, my love, you JUST MET HER. I cannot overstate how naive he is.

Dave is an asshole. That's all. (He almost fucks up Carls chance with Maryanne and then sleeps with her while Carl is looking for another condom)

'Maryanne, I see you.' Heartbreaking 😭😭

Honestly there are some very sweet moments and this is one of them 😭😭😭

Harold and John bring Carl tea and biscuits while he's sitting on a bench, upset. They don't say anything but by the end of the scene Carl is eating a biscuit and smiling and Harold gives him a hug 😭😭😭😭😭😭

(Link to the scene bcs its so sweet: https://youtu.be/66U9Kfr4UhE )

And honestly when Gavin gives him the condom was kinda sweet too. Like he's proud of him and gives him advice (bad advice, but still it's the thought that counts)

I fucking love Felicity. She's the only woman on board full time and that's because she's a lesbian. I hope she gets her girlfriend ❤️

Omg Midnight Mark was having an orgy lmaoo

Simon is so sweet😭😭 He went to Carl and Kevin's room and told them he's getting married and I'm pretty sure just asked Carl to be his best man??

'HANDS OFF, YOU LESBIAN' Love it

STAG PARTYYYYYYYY

Omg he's known her for 2 weeks

This entire sequence is very British 😭😭

Oh God they're all hungover

Ooooh who is Carl's father???

God he's so pretty in this scene

Link to gifset (if ur a sandman stan you've seen it before):

'I think sometimes i should be called Clever Kevin. What do you think about tha-' *falls out of bed*

THE WAY CARL DIDN'T EVEN FLINCH AT KEVIN FALLING 💀

Aww Simons speech to the listeners about his wedding was sweet

THE WEDDING

Simon holding Carls hand and Carl being like wtf and walking away

Quenton: We are gathered here in the sight of God, apparently. Which is, I don't know, scary?

Carl is smoking while being Simons best man i love him (Protip: looking for Carl in a scene? Look for a cigarette first)

Oh god Simons new wife just told him she's in love with Gavin

Oh no she only married Simon to get on the boat to get with Gavin :( Poor Simon

Top tier music choices all around though

Harold is such a good friend

Everyone here has two brain cells between them (yes im at the Chicken Game)

Aww Gavin apologized to Simon

Lmao they're basically playing never have i ever

Aww Carls mom is coming by

'Just in case you wanted to brush your hair or hide that stack of pornography you keep on that shelf' QUENTON

Oh god he's dreading seeing her

Aww Kevin wished him luck 😭😭

He asked if Quenton was his dad and his mom was like 'uh no wtf'

Its BOXING DAY

'It was a shag well shagged the night you made this little fella' Dave to Carls mom

DAVE SAID CARL IS ONE OF THEM AND THEY WANT HIM TO STAY FOREVER AWWWW

The posh government people on boxing day im sobbing its so funny and silent

Oh god Bob is Carls father (Bob gave Carl a message earlier and he told her right before she left)

She was like 'How old are you' and did the math from there lmaoo

CARLS MOM SLEPT WITH MARK HAHA

'Telll Mark it was a lovely night!' 'NO! NO!!' lmfaooo

Carl is telling Bob hes his dad oh my god its so sweet

JOHN DON'T INTERRUPT. FUCK

Parliament just created an act making pirate radio illegal as of new years day

Quentons like 'pirate radio is dead' and everyone else is like 'nope'

The Count pulled the 'Murica card lmaoo

'Obviously im in. You're the only people in the world who like me' IM GONNA SOB GIVE CARL A HUG RN

OMG MARYANNE IS BACK

And her friend Margaret

Carl ur so fucking cute (he ssked if she wanted to play scrabble or something 😭😭😭)

OUR BOY IS DOIN IT

omg is Felicity gonna sleep with Margaret??

Lmfao the FUNNIEST SCENE

Ok so Carl comes out of his room in the morning, he turns around and the entire ship is standing there cheering, The Count is on the air and the nation (20 MILLION PEOPLE) are waiting with baited breath as to if Young Carl lost his virginity

The Count is asking him if he did it lmaoo

The Count: -and remember, the reply 'i don't wanna answer that question' means yes

Young Carl: im certainly not going to answer that question

Lmao John is reporting it as news 😭😭 'a nice young man has lost his virginity in the north sea'

Lmao Felicity and Margaret are popping their heads out of another door and everyones smiling GOOD FOR HER

Lmao they're leaving and Felicity is holding a huge sign that says I love you

Listen its the 70s lesbians gotta do what lesbians gotta do

Omg the govt raided the wrong ship 💀💀💀

Holy shit the engine just exploded on the ship as they were sailing away

'Ok the good news is the engine has just exploded and we're all going to die' Quenton NEVER misses

(The bad news is theyre gonna drown/freeze to death in the North Sea btw)

Theyre asking fans for help

Gavin: Here's a rather long record. I hope I'm here at the end of it.

FUCK

They're all grabbing the shit they can/stuff they want and can carry

Carl just ate shit oop

Oh wow the government isnt gonna save them bcs of 'costs'

Midnight Mark is a badass. Going through a sinking ship in leather pants?? Unmatched. Icon.

Lmao Angus is like 'i know nobody here particularly likes me but I'm glad to have known you all' and Simon is like 'no!! Everyone here likes you. Raise your hand if you like him'

And everyone does except Dave who tries and can't make himself do it so Simon says to be honest and everyone puts their hands down lmaoooo

Oh no where's Bob? Also Carl literally says 'where's my dad?' And i just wanna know if everyone knew beforehand or if that's how they found out who Carls dad is

Omg Bob had no clue the boat was sinking because he was listening to music

Bob just let go of your fucking case you are both DROWNING

Aww Dave saved Carl bcs he felt guilty about sleeping with Maryanne

God they're climbing up to the top of the ship now

Oh no the Count is gonna go down with the ship

Lmao Carl said fuck

FANS ARE COMING TO THE RESCUE

Theyre jumping in to swim to the rescue boats and Bob and Carl held hands to jump in together 😭😭

Gavins doing a backstroke lol

MARYANNE SAVED CARL (and kevin)

The rest of the ship is going under

THE COUNT RETURNS

EVERYONE'S ALIVE WOO

And the movies over, bye lol

[itsclydebitches]

I started a fill for an “Everyone on The Revenge is some kind of creature AU” prompt, but with other fics currently taking precedence, I don’t know when/if I’ll get around to finishing it. So here, have the snippet for WIP Wednesday ^_^

They said that birds of a feather flocked together. Turns out that Creatures were no different.

"I literally just saw a posting," Lucius said, hand waving to encompass the absurdity of that. Oluwande nodded. "It was tacked up by the butcher's. 'Pirate Crew Wanted' in this fancy script, real nice parchment, he must have paid the printer a fortune for it. And I figured why not. Let's check it out. If the Captain's open-minded enough to keep a scribe on board — and crazy enough to advertise — maybe he won't give a damn about my pedigree." They both stared up at the helm where Stede was having some argument with Buttons, pointing towards the sea and shaking his head. "I considered myself lucky when he signed me on, but now..."

"Now you wonder if he realizes?" Oluwande asked.

"Yeah."

"I mean same, man." Oluwande gestured towards his mouth, lips folded carefully over his teeth. "Obviously I wasn't reading any fancy postings, but a friend of a friend mentioned that a new captain was accepting Creatures on board, so... yeah. Exactly. Why not try? I was real blunt with him, you know? Made all kinds of promises about how I'd never feed on the crew, but I'd need to occasionally make port for food, you know the drill. Captain just muttered something about me being the second crew member obsessed with cannibalism. Cannibalism?" Oluwande's face pinched, drawing a laugh out of Lucius. "Then I come on board and fuck, he's got livestock and an actual barrel of blood for some fancy pudding, I don't even know. Never been this full in my life, but... it's weird, isn’t it? You think if I just, like, showed him my fangs he'd catch on?"

For a moment they watched Stede speaking emphatically while Buttons steadily removed his clothes. Finally their captain threw up his hands and retreated below deck, thus missing when Buttons grew gills and dove over the ship’s side.

"I think he'd compliment you on your very excellent dental care," Lucius drawled.

"Jesus Christ."

His eyes slid towards Oluwande, languid and inviting. "You know, if you ever did get hungry, I'm available. It's not like a bit of lost blood is gonna do me in."

"Really?" Oluwande snorted. "For a price though, right?"

"Well yeah, but I'm not exactly picky. I don't want your firstborn." Lucius gave an exaggerated shudder. "Just give me a small portion of your lunch. Or offer a back-rub if you're feeling frisky. Trades can be anything, really. Our reputation has gotten a bit ridiculous if you ask me, especially since I'm not the one who bites."

"...Yeah, alright. Fair enough. Thanks."

They were content for a time to just watch the water, a flash of gold that might have been Button's hair occasionally surfacing between the waves. Lucius cocked his head at the display, considering.

"Huh. I assume the whole 'can't cross moving water' thing is bullshit then?" he asked.

"Oh yeah. Total bullshit."

[waugh-bao]

Ron I’d particular comment reminded me of a concert I was watching where Charlie threw his empty juice bottle off stage. I thought that was unusual for him. A few moments later he is talking to someone and pointing, I’m sure asking them to pick up the bottle. I imagine he was like ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me’ and had to make sure the bottle was placed in the trash. Unrelated but have you seen his Q magazine 2008 interview? A good one.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was a grip strength issue. His hands were often in painfully bad shape after a show.

So my guess would be that he misjudged how good a hold he had on the bottle and let go when he only meant to swing his arms forward a little.

I hadn't until you mentioned it, but thank you for pointing me that way, because it's really, really good. Which is a relative rarity with Charlie interviews.

First off, perfect title and subheading.

But I thought the bits about "keeping Mick and Keef in line", and just Mick and Keith in general, were incredibly striking. And quite touching, to be honest.

As always, Keith has a good quote for the occasion.

"Charlie is incredibly honest, brutally honest. Lying bores him. He just sees right through you to start with. And he's not even that interested in knowing, he just does. That's Charlie Watts. He just knows you immediately. If he likes you, he'll tell you things, give you things, and you'll leave feeling like you've been talking to Jesus Christ."

But he's right. The two biggest things you notice in the profile are that he sugarcoats nothing (if there's anyone he's brutal on, it's himself), and that he clearly not only loves Mick and Keith deeply, but knows them totally.

Not least because he'd been dealing with them at their worst for longer than most marriages.

Journalist: You're often perceived as the mediator.

Charlie: No, it's more that I'm just stuck in the middle. I get along with Mick and Keith, so if ever they don't get on for that minute...

He never tries to hide Mick's flaws, but it's obvious that his faults and foibles aren't what really matters to Charlie.

Journalist: What were your impressions of Mick when you first met him? He's from a more middle-class background.

Charlie: I don't know, really. I never felt that. Looking at him now, in that movie [Shine A Light], with all the old footage, you think, "Fucking hell", but he's still the same to me, in many ways. Really, though, I think Mick has become a nicer bloke as we've got older. He's an even nicer fella now than when he was younger. Wisdom has brought some mellowing, maybe, while Keith's exactly the same. I've always got on with Mick, but I find him much easier to talk to now than when we were younger.

The section about Keith...gosh, where to start.

It is very amusing to see him echoing everyone else in saying that Keith's not nearly so scary as he wants to come off as.

Journalist: Some people say Keith has the darker temper of the two [Glimmer Twins]. Is that right?

Charlie: I think that he shows his temper quicker, that's all. Keith will say he'll hit you, but most likely won't, while Mick wouldn't even say it.

But he's also quick to do what I think he may do better than anyone else in the band, which is give genuine insight on Keith and cut through the image. He knows there's something deeper than a make pretend pirate or a battered old junkie there, and he wants other people to see it too.

Journalist: I saw Keith at the Berlin Film Festival in February, where he was being his stereotypical self, all one-liners and slurred speech. Is he really like that?

Charlie: Yes, although Keith plays up to his reputation a bit. He exaggerates a few things. But basically how you saw him is how he is; he's very funny, normal, kind. Mick and Keith are great at the one-liners. Keith's very lucid and very bright. Keith reads tons, a lot of history. He is erudite and intelligent. But you're right, in those circumstances he does play up the side people want to see. But, of course, he is like that as well. He's incredibly self-sufficient. He's pretty good at cooking, too!

And the last part, well, speaks for itself.

Journalist: You bonded with Keith very early on.

Charlie: I think I recognized a lot of Keith. When the Stones get together, it's like school days again. It's run like being in the army, and it feels like being at school. Honestly, I almost know what Keith thinks. It's like we've been in the same class for so long, and we've been through so much together.

[homoose]

Weird is Good

Summary: A story about two people tryna make it through the age of COVID-19 in a country where people are fucking dumb lmao. My hc is that Spencer would be like wtf at all these science-denying anti-maskers. Also, two teachers just tryna make it through quarantine and remote teaching in a one bedroom apartment (this is taking place during a mandatory leave/lecture cycle).

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: fluff

Warnings/Includes: no warnings. reader is both a kindergarten teacher and a bruh girl with a pirate’s mouth. lots of Spencer x factz.

Word count: 3.1k

———

“We’re home for the next two weeks. ”

Spencer looked up from his desk to see Y/N kicking off her shoes, dropping her bag, and walking directly to the sink. “Starting when?”

“We get to go in on Monday to say goodbye to the kids and get any materials we might need. Then we’re home for two weeks. They’re calling it an early, extended spring break.” Y/N began her hand washing routine. As a kindergarten teacher, she’d always been a strict hand-washer. In the time of COVID, she had only become more zealous. She looked at Spencer. “Have you heard anything?”

“Since we’re so close to the end of the semester, the department head thinks they’ll try to finish out the year as normal.” He set down his pen. “I honestly don’t know. It will all depend on whether people follow the CDC guidelines. The spread of any virus is deducible mathematically, and SARS-COV2 is no different. Based on the outbreak in Italy prior to their lockdown, we can accurately describe its reproductive number, or Rt, to between 2.43 – 3.10.”

Y/N shut off the water and dried her hands on a paper towel. “In layman's terms, Dr. Reid.”

“The Rt tells how many people are infected by the contagious host,” he explained. “In the case of this strain, each infected person is infecting between two and three others. For comparison, the standard seasonal flu has an average Rt between 1.4 and 1.7.”

“So in other words, fucking yikes,” Y/N groaned. She moved to perch on the edge of Spencer’s desk.

“Indeed,” Spencer agreed. “We know how fast the flu can travel through an office or a classroom, so imagine if it was two times as transmissible. But it's also really important to understand that this number changes depending on the mitigations in place. Even prior to full lockdown, mask wearing and social distancing was somewhat common in Italy, so it’s likely the uncontrolled Rt is higher.”

“Jesus Christ.” Y/N scrubbed a hand over her face. “We’ll probably never go back.”

Spencer rubbed his hand up from her ankle to the inside of her knee. “The good news is there’s nothing special about this virus compared to others in terms of how it spreads— it’s just aerosols. So if everyone wears their mask, we’ll be able to keep the spread low.”

⧭⧭⧭

“It’s safe to say that everyone did not wear their fucking masks,” Y/N snapped. She watched from the couch as Mayor Bowser delivered the news that DC Public Schools would remain closed for the remainder of the year. “This is crazy. I mean, I knew it was coming because people in this country are absolute buffoons.” She looked at Spencer, fingers pressed to her temple. “But holy shit, are we ever going to be able to go outside again?”

“With schools and universities closed, people working remotely, and lockdown orders in place, the Rt in the US could stay low. But masks have to be worn at all times, and social distancing has to be strictly followed.” Spencer pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I just— I can’t believe people are refusing to wear masks. The empirical, peer-reviewed data clearly shows—”

“This is ‘Murica, boy.” Y/N mocked. “Ain’t no tyrannical government gonna tell me what to do!” She rolled her eyes. “Trust me, your choice to abstain from social media is paying dividends to your sanity right now.”

Spencer looked truly dumbfounded, setting his newspaper down in his lap. “But that’s just it. It’s not just in social media circles.” He gestured to the article in front of him. “This economist just argued for ‘reopening’ the economy using the justification of herd immunity. Herd immunity can be a plausible option for less lethal diseases. But this virus is not like varicella—the chickenpox,” he clarified at Y/N’s raised eyebrow. He waved his hands around in exasperation. “Putting aside the fact that one facet of herd immunity is vaccinating as many people as possible, its success completely hinges on the Rt of a disease. If you model a population based on an Rt of 2.5, herd immunity wouldn’t be achieved until approximately sixty percent of the population has been infected. Consider that the US population is currently 328 million, and sixty percent of that is 196.8 million. The current mortality rate for SARS-COV2 is 3.06 percent. 196,800,000 multiplied by 0.0306 is 6,022,080. Over six million people would die. It's simple mathematics.”

Y/N let out an exasperated breath. “It used to be that simple math and facts were enough. Now you’ve got basement scientists who think they know better than actual, literal scientists who’ve spent their entire lives studying these things.” She ran a hand over her face and gestured at the news conference still playing. “How long do you think it’ll be before we’re both trying to teach from this tiny ass living room?”

⧭⧭⧭

“Goooooooood morning, kindergarten! It’s Friday, and no Friday is a bad Friday!” Spencer smiled. As he poured his first cup of coffee, he hummed along with Y/N and 23 six-year-olds as they sang their morning song. Observing fourteen days of remote kindergarten from across the living room had given Spencer a new appreciation for elementary school teachers, particularly Y/N. She sang, danced, conducted science experiments, held puppet shows, read stories, led art projects, and fielded questions for four hours a day— three hours less than when they were in the school building. He was exhausted by proxy.

But he was also grateful for the opportunity to watch Y/N in her element. Even though they were at home, she still got dressed every day in bright, patterned sweaters and dresses— her Ms. Frizzle attire, she’d told him once. She was able to channel her personality into a kid-friendly version that her students clearly adored, never afraid to be silly or strange to get their attention and keep them engaged during the long days. He worked from home whenever possible, strangely happy to have the background noise of kindergarten over his quiet university office.

...

“Okay, but where do I put the biiiiiiiiiiiig number?” Y/N made a wide gesture with her arms. “Ariah, where should I put it? In the big box, yes! But oh no, my small number needs a friend. My three is soooooo lonely!” Y/N drew her mouth into a pout. “DJ, how can I help my three not be so sad? You’re absolutely right, let’s put that two right next to him in our number bond.”

…

“I’ve been waitin’  for a girl to mute,” Y/N sang into the gold karaoke mic. “I said, muuuuuuuuuute, I’m blinded by loud sounds. No, I can’t hear the friend who’s tryin’ to talk.”

…

“Oh boy. Kev, honey, we can— we can see you. Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. We can see all of you. I can’t turn your camera off, buddy. You gotta— there we go.”

…

“Mute please, I need— I need everybody to mute, please. Oh my goodness where is that music coming from?” Y/N frantically searched for her index card with the picture of the mute icon, as the sounds of a highly inappropriate song blared through the computer speaker. “I know it’s so loud, guys. Why is my mute power gone?! This is why we need to make sure we keep our mute button on, kindergarten.”

…

“No sweetie, it’s not time to log off yet. I’m sorry, I know it’s such a long day. We have about an hour left. Do you guys wanna do a countdown? It’s the fin-al count-down! Do-do doo dooooo. Do-do-d-do-dooo…”

…

“Annnnnd, I should see all my friends on mute. William, hang on just a second. All my friends need to look at my picture, it’s an oval with a line through it… Okay, William, what did you bring to show us?” Y/N leaned toward the computer screen. “Grandma Kathy? O-oh, she’s— she’s in the—“ Y/N’s eyes widened. “Is that— is that an urn? Oh wow. Um, well, wow. It’s beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that with us, William. Grandma Kathy, may she rest in peace.”

⧭⧭⧭

A week into Y/N teaching kindergarten from their living room, the university had announced its transition to online coursework for the remainder of the academic year. Spencer had to host his first zoom lecture, and he was absolutely dreading it.

“Spence, it’s going to be fine. It’s not like you’ve never been on a video conference,” Y/N assured him. She sat cross-legged on the couch, waiting for him to let her in to his practice zoom.

“Yeah, but I wasn’t running those meetings. I just showed up.” He squinted at the computer screen. “Are you in?”

Y/N barely resisted the urge to make a joke, knowing that Spencer probably wouldn’t appreciate the innuendo. “No, you have to admit me.”

“What do you mean? How do I do that?”

“There should be a box with a button that says admit.”

Spencer gestured at the computer. “Well there’s a bunch of boxes— which one should I be looking at?”

Y/N sighed and got up from the couch. “IQ of 187 and can’t find the box.”

Spencer dragged a hand through his hair. “I know I shouldn’t find this so difficult. I’m sorry you have to waste your time on this.”

“Hey, it was a joke.” Y/N grabbed his hand from where he was frustratedly pulling on his frazzled curls. “I’m sorry. That was mean and you’re already stressed enough.” She used her free hand to smooth his hair back into place. She scrunched her nose. “I love you and your limited technology skills. And honestly it’s kind of nice to have one thing I can actually teach you about.” She squeezed his hand, leaning over him to peer at his computer screen. “All right, let’s find that elusive admit button.”

When the day of his lecture rolled around, Spencer thanked all the atoms in the observable universe that Y/N had a break during his class. Within the first ten minutes, he’d managed to accidentally kick himself out of his own meeting and then somehow lose track of the screenshare button.

“No one can see me and I don’t know what happened to the screenshare option. It was there and now it’s just… gone,” he told Y/N.

She leaned over his desk, eyes tracking over the screen and mouse clicking around the desktop. “How in the world did you manage to block your camera?”

“I don’t know! I didn’t even touch it!” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t understand how it’s even possible to be this bad at this.”

Y/N bumped his knee with her own, pulling up his camera settings and preferences. “Relax. You can’t be good at everything. It’s a refreshing reminder that you’re a mere mortal like the rest of us.” With a few rapid clicks, Y/N unblocked his camera and located the screenshare bar. “There. Crisis averted. I’m just going to share your whole screen in case you want to toggle between application windows. So just be aware that they’ll be able to see everything. And then you just click here when you’re ready to stop sharing.”

When Y/N turned her head toward him to check that he understood, Spencer grabbed the side of her face and caught her lips in a kiss. Y/N smiled against his mouth, heart speeding up as he traced the seam of her mouth with his tongue.

“Um, Dr. Reid? Your um— your camera’s working now.”

Spencer nearly fell out of his chair, his cheeks about the color of the Leave Meeting icon. Y/N dropped her head, debating whether she wanted to laugh or let the earth open up and swallow her whole. She ultimately decided to compose herself, stepping back and giving a little wave to the sea of tiny, grinning zoom faces before slinking out of frame, miming sorry to one very mortified professor.

⧭⧭⧭

“Would you want to be our mystery reader next week?” Y/N asked, bookmarking the page of her novel and reclining back in bed. “You just have to pick a story to read. Oh, and think of four clues about your identity to give the kiddos.”

Spencer raised his eyebrow, continuing to read. “Any story?”

Y/N laughed. “Well they’re six, so maybe hold off on the Chaucer and Bradbury for now. A picture book would be preferable.”

“Did you know that the first picture book, Orbis Sensualium Pictus, or Visible World in Pictures, was published in 1658?” He looked up from his own book. “Czech educator John Amos Comenius wanted to create a book that would be accessible to children of all levels of ability. The educational theories he explored are actually still in practice in the field of early childhood education.” He turned toward her from his spot under the covers. “For example, when you have your students make a hissing sound and slither their arms when they produce the sound represented by the letter s? Comenius included an alphabet chart with various animal and human sounds representing each letter. He wanted to demonstrate that the incorporation of multiple senses could help increase learning.”

“I guess you don’t fix what isn’t broken,” Y/N mused. “300 years later, and we’re still using the same methods.”

“362, actually,” Spencer corrected.

She gave him a look. “Maybe we can save the Comenius for another time.”

“The genre of children’s literature encompasses some of the most profound and philosophical story telling of all time.” Spencer returned his attention to his reading.

“...So is that a yes?”

Spencer smiled. “I’ve got a book in mind.”

“And clues,” Y/N reminded him, snuggling down under the covers and reopening her book. “We need some fun clues, mystery reader.”

…

“Kindergarten, we have a very special mystery reader this week. Oh man, are you ready for the first clue? The mystery reader loves jell-o! Raise your little hand if you love jell-o, too. Okay, kindergarten, I see you! Lots of jell-o lovers in the house.”

…

“Okay, clue number two! Our mystery reader works as a community helper— remember we learned about all different kinds of community helpers; firefighters, nurses, police officers. But if the mystery reader could be anything, they’d want to be a cowboy! How cool is that?”

...

“Clue number three for our mystery reader!” Y/N sucked in a gasp. “You guys. The mystery reader can do magic. Oh my goodness, I am so excited for Friday,” she sing-songed. “Will they show us a trick? Hmmm, I don’t know. Maybe if you ask nicely.”

…

“Okay, my friends, the last clue. The mystery reader loves reading. They read every day, and they’ve been reading since 1983! Yes, that was a very long time ago.”

⧭⧭⧭

“Okay, any last guesses about who our mystery reader might be?” Y/N questioned.

“I think it’s your dad,” a little voice called out.

Spencer made a choking noise from where he sat, slightly off camera. Y/N laughed. “The mystery reader is decidedly not my dad, Keyshon. Remember I showed you guys the picture of him— my dad’s a farmer, so he’s kind of already a cowboy.” She clapped her hands together. “Okay, without further ado, drumroll please... Our mystery reader is…” Y/N pushed her desk chair out of frame to allow Spencer to roll in, holding her hands out. “Spencer!”

He gave a little wave, smoothing his hair, suddenly painfully self-aware and nervous about the opinions of two dozen six-year-olds. “Hi guys.”

“You’re the boy on Ms. Y/L/N’s phone.”

“Your hair is so fluffy!”

“Do you have a cowboy hat?”

“I like your sweater.”

“Can you really do magic?”

“What’s your favorite jell-o?”

“Whoa, okay, let’s remember our mute button,” Y/N, holding up her index card. “I promise you’ll get to ask Spencer all your questions after he reads the story.”

Spencer smiled at the excited faces beaming through the screen. “Yes, I’m on Ms. Y/L/N’s phone; I don’t own a cowboy hat, yet; yes, I really can do magic; and the red jell-o is my favorite.”

Y/N watched with interest as Spencer pulled out his book. He’d been secretive about his choice, so she was as curious as her students.

“This is one of my favorite stories. It’s written by Munro Leaf, and illustrated by Robert Lawson. It’s The Story of Ferdinand.” Spencer held the cover up to the camera. “Ferdinand is the bull here on the cover. This story was written in 1935, which was a long time ago! Okay are you ready?” Spencer looked out on a sea of thumbs up, turning the page to the beginning of the story. “Once upon a time in Spain, there was a bull, and his name was Ferdinand.”

Y/N smiled as she listened to Spencer read each page, recounting the story of the peaceful bull. He was an excellent storyteller, changing the inflection and expression of his voice to match each sentence. He held each page up for just the right amount of time, panning it so her students could see each detail of the black and white pictures. He added his own wonderings and exclamations here and there, and her students were decidedly enthralled. Her heart ached at how comfortable he was, how natural this was for him. She rested her chin in her hand, trying to keep her mind in the present— ignoring the persistent little mental image of Spencer as a dad.

“So they had to take Ferdinand home. And for all I know, he is sitting there still, under his favorite cork tree, smelling the flowers just quietly. He is very happy… And that’s The Story of Ferdinand.” Spencer closed the book with a soft smile. “I love this story. Ferdinand is a very special bull. What do you think makes him so special?”

“Ferdinand didn’t fight,” a little voice piped up.

“Yes!” Spencer agreed. “He practiced pacifism in the face of the persistent, ingrained militarism of his country’s culture.”

Y/N placed a hand on Spencer’s knee and gave a quick squeeze. “Right, Ferdinand chose not to fight, even though everybody else he knew wanted to.” Y/N winked at him before turning back to the screen full of kids. “All his friends thought he was kind of weird, but he just really wanted to hang out in the shade and smell the flowers, huh? Sounds pretty good to me.”

“He wasn’t bothered that the other bulls thought he was strange for wanting to be peaceful,” Spencer added. “Sometimes being different can be a good thing. The Story of Ferdinand reminds me that it’s okay to be yourself, even if other people think you’re weird.” His eyes met Y/N’s. “Because there will always be people who love and appreciate you for who you are.”

[abeautifulblog]

TW3 whyyyyyy

[spoilers for Blood & Wine, I guess. And also Dragon Age: Inquisition, Mass Effect 3, and Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, because I am just bitching about All The Things today.]

Oh my godddd the Blood & Wine expansion is driving me up the fucking wall for what the game thinks the “good” ending is, when at this point I will cheerfully forfeit the 5,000-monies reward if it means Syanna dies instead of Detlaff. Jesus fucking christ, this woman is a manipulative, breathtakingly selfish psychopath, and yet the game takes it completely for granted that players’ sympathies are going to be with her? That the “good ending” is you and everyone else bending over backwards to give her infinitely many second chances while she just keeps proving what a faithless, irredeemable waste of oxygen she is??

(And the fact that Geralt can sleep with her, ffs, I was SHOUTING AT THE TV, like, Geralt, you utter fucking dumbass, this is the femme fatale that’s been manipulating a higher vampire into doing her dirty work, you think you’re different? That she ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES YOU? That she’s telling the truth when she says you’re nOt LiKe ThE oThEr BoYs??)

Jesus. And even after she’s dead, everyone’s rewriting reality to pretend like she was this blameless tragic angel instead of, uhm, the literal archvillain of this expansion. (Which, I might add, they can only manage because she’s DEAD, AND THEREFORE CANNOT CONTINUE DOING MURDERS.) And you don’t even get a choice in how Geralt feels about it:

Regis: Do you... regret how things turned out?

Geralt: Yeah. I do.

Me: I DON’T!! ALL I REGRET IS THAT HER STUPID SISTER WON’T PAY ME THE 5K MONIES NOW!

(I swear, it’s like it genuinely didn’t occur to the devs that anyone might play their game who's not a straight dude in it for a T&A buffet.)

I’m getting flashbacks to Mass Effect 3, and how it expected me to weep over the death of the relentlessly self-interested space nazi just because she had a nice rack and a lot of cameltoe.

Or for a less sexist example, in Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, when their idea of the “best” ending was you ~forgiving~ your asshole father who tried to murder you as a child, and then him getting back together with your mom (who rightfully ditched his ass when he killed her children, wtf mom, go back to your beefy pirate girlfriend), and then all of you playing happy fucking families together.

Why does the “”good ending“” mean absolving shitty people of their homicidally shitty choices??

(At least in Dragon Age, you may be forced into going along with Solas’s plans, but you’re still allowed to make it clear how much you hate that little shitbird.)

Ugh.

Deep breaths.

Silver lining, you get to keep the vineyard, and don’t get executed, thanks to Dandelion showing up to rescue you with the diplomatic application of his dick. 🤣

And despite the femme fatale’s best efforts, my dodgetiddie streak remains unbroken -- I am now at 0/5 (or is it 0/6? I lost track) sex-happenings when women have tried to throw themselves on Geralt’s dick, and I successfully evaded. 👌

(Man, I expect a gd trophy if I can make it to the end of this game without getting trapped into heterosexual intercourse, because they do not make it easy.)

[queenofbaws]

🌹 what about Conrad?;)

close calls and busted balls

Rated T

Just when he thought he’d reached his absolute threshold for terror, Conrad receives a nasty surprise. After narrowly managing to avoid the pirates ransoming them for his family’s money, he and Alex end up sharing some pretty close quarters...and an absolutely horrifying admission: Alex almost proposed to Julia tonight.

Kidnappings? Ghosts? Tetanus? Government cover-ups? None of that shit holds a candle to the pulse-pounding horror of hearing how close Alex came to irreparably ruining his whole life by marrying Julia, of all people, holy shit! Conrad tells him as much. Repeatedly. And endlessly. No way is he about to let this guy willingly enter into a legally binding contract with his fucked up family - especially not if they manage to survive...whatever this whole ghost ship thing turns out to be.

...

There was a smell in the room he didn’t like. Come to think of it...there’d been a smell in every room that he hadn’t liked, making him wonder if maybe, just maybe, the smell was, in fact, them. They had been doing an awful lot of running, and man alive it was hot on that fucking boat, so that stink was really probably just a couple dudes’-worth of sweat, and -

Alex turned around, the dim light of the lantern falling on a pile of leathery corpses huddled up in the corner, and actually that made more sense. That was was probably the smell, huh? Not exactly a more comforting thought, but at least he could keep convincing himself that his Old Spice was hanging in there.

“This is...so fucked up,” he heard Alex grumble. He’d probably meant to say it to himself, but the bunkroom was so cramped and the air so still that he didn’t have any choice but to hear him. “How could this happen?”

He made a concerted effort to breathe through his mouth (at least for the time being), if only to cut back on some of the ungodly reek they were dealing with. “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you’d hate our parents.”

There was a pause, and then Alex turned around again, the lantern light making the shadows on his face that much darker and deeper, turning his confusion into a comical mask of surprise. “Wait, what?”

“Yeah, they’re awful. And I don’t mean awful like ‘Oh, they’re so overbearing,’ or ‘They’re a little too supportive,’ either. They’re just like. Bad people. Objectively. Come to think of it, they probably wouldn’t like you. They don’t like anyone. Shit, I’m not even sure they like me, and that’s just...” He snorted a laugh to show how positively ridiculous the idea was, “Everyone likes me.”

For a beat, there was nothing but the sound of the waves lapping against the ship’s side. Nothing but the far-off clanging of bare feet on metal. Nothing but the tiny squeaks of the lantern in Alex’s hand. Then his shoulders dropped and realization hit. “I’m n...Jesus Christ, man, I’m talking about all the bodies, not the marriage thing!”

“Who cares about the dead bodies?! They’re not doing shit, they’re just being dead! You, though? You’re still plenty alive, Smith - alive and apparently set on making the worst call of your life! You don’t want in on this family! The fuck is wrong with you?! We celebrate the Kentucky Derby like it’s Christmas, for fuck’s sake! You really want to volunteer for that?!”

send me a flower and i'll make up a fic (that doesn't exist [yet {because we all know how bad my self restraint is}])!!!

[ilovemesomekillianjones]

In the Still of the Night

Here is my contribution for the Captain Swan Neverland New Year event! You guys, I am so excited to be writing again!!!! Thank you @xhookswenchx for beta reading this baby for me.  Kudos to the mods of @neverlandnewyear for thinking up and putting together this treasure that is Captain Swan in Neverland. Tag list at the end, please let me know if you ever want to be removed or added. 

Summary: Set after Henry is safe (no Pan switch) but before the gang is able to leave Neverland. When Emma is woken in the still of the night, from dreams of a devilishly handsome pirate captain, she decides she needs a midnight swim to cool off. In which Hook and a daringly open Emma have a meeting of the mind, body, and soul. 

     Rated M          8K          ao3           ffnet          Story under the cut, promise

It was the middle of the night when Emma woke, a sweltering, sweaty mess. “Why is this island so fucking hot,” she muttered into the darkness. Having a lascivious dream about Hook had absolutely naught to do with her elevated temperature, it was undoubtedly this goddamn jungle. Now that Pan had been conquered, and Henry was safe, Emma found she was having an increasingly difficult time keeping the smoldering, blue-eyed pirate off of her mind. She needed to get back to Storybrooke, back to some semblance of normalcy... or whatever. She silently cursed Gold for not having found a way to get her father home safely yet. 

Ripping the covers from her body, she got up from her bunk below Henry’s and checked on him. Seeing that he was sound asleep, she headed topside. The deck of the Jolly Roger was blessedly deserted. Emma leaned against the railing, looking toward the vast jungle that was Neverland and she shuddered despite the hot, humid air that surrounded her. The shudder wasn’t due to the jungle itself. Since they’d defeated Pan, Hook had shown the group many of the island’s hidden beauties. He had stories for every spot he showed them, some hilarious, some melancholy, some quite ordinary, and others downright terrifying. There were quaint trails, refreshing springs and ponds, fascinating wildlife and vibrant plant life. It was actually quite a dream destination when a maniacal man-boy wasn’t playing psycho. 

No, it wasn’t the jungle causing that shudder. She couldn’t get that goddamn kiss off her mind. Emma bit her lip as she reminisced about the way his lips had caressed hers, the way his tongue had slipped into her mouth hungrily but also tenderly. A one-time thing, she’d told Hook. Now if she could just maintain that lie, because that’s what it had been. She really needed Gold to find a way to magic David’s health back so they could get off this god forsaken island already. 

She decided that the time for sleep was past, she was wide awake now, with thoughts of that damn pirate. A midnight dip would be ideal, especially while everyone was asleep. Emma left the Jolly Roger and headed toward the secluded pond that Hook had shown them. Once they’d no longer had to worry about being attacked, they’d created a regular schedule for bathing, so everyone had their own time. Luckily, no one’s time was right now.

Traversing quietly through the jungle, Emma admired the beauty around her. The greenery was lush, the effulgent dew made it seem more alive than any plants she’d ever been around. The blossoms surrounding the path were some of the largest she’d ever seen - they were dazzling pinks and oranges. She wondered if she had missed all this in her haste, fatigue, and desperation while finding Henry, or if the jungle had only come to life since the man-child was no more. 

She followed the trail Hook had shown them, until she came upon the pond that was shrouded below an overhang at the base of what Hook had referred to as Dead Man’s Peak. The name hadn’t initially inspired comfort in the group, but when David explained to them that the water at the top of the peak was what had cured him, their perspectives changed. Emma swore there must be some restorative properties here at the base because she always felt rejuvenated when emerging from the water.

Stripping as soon as she broke the tree line, she discarded her clothes beneath a tree along the sandy shoreline. Her flesh pebbled as it met the open air, and she felt a freeness as she walked to the water’s edge. She dipped her toes in tentatively, knowing the water would be agreeable as always. Emma was immersed thigh deep before diving down below the surface and swimming toward the middle. 

The water sluiced around her body soothingly while she held her breath as long as she could, before breaking the surface. Emma pushed her hair back then ran her hands over her face before opening her eyes. She enjoyed this spot, a sandbar of sorts, deep enough to cover her body, shallow enough that she could still reach, and far enough from all surrounding shore should anyone happen upon her.

The silence that enveloped her was serene and she looked up at the star filled sky. A shooting star floated across the heavens, but just as Emma was about to make a wish, the water beside her opened up as something emerged. The scream that started to bubble up from deep within her, as a hundred thoughts filled her mind on what unimaginable Never-beast this could be, was cut off by a voice she was not expecting to hear.

“Evening Swan!”

“Jesus Christ, Hook!” Emma gasped. Thank god she was in shoulder deep water. “Wait, did you… were you watching when I… you know,” she asked while motioning toward her body.

“Did I what?” Hook asked, genuine confusion furrowing his brow.

“Did you see me undressing?”

“You wound me, Swan… I would never!”

“Oh, tonight you’re the gentleman?”

“I told you, I am always a gentleman,” he claimed in a rich tone as he took a step closer to her. “Spying on a lady as she undresses would be unthinkably bad form.”

“Then where the hell were you?” 

“I was underwater.”

“For the whole time?” she asked disbelievingly. 

“Aye. I’m a pirate, love, when you live a life on the water, it’s best you be able to hold your breath for longer than the average landlubber. Never know when you might find yourself keelhauled.”

“Landlubber,” Emma scoffed, “I can hold my breath just fine.” 

“I’ve no doubt you can, just not as long as meself,” he smirked.

Emma narrowed her eyes at the challenge in his tone. What was it about this man that had her wanting to comply with his every whim? She’d held her breath for as long as she could when she dove into the water, if he’d been under from the time she’d stripped until he popped up to interrupt her wish, that had to be like two full minutes? No way, she thought, he must have come up for air while she was under.

“Bet I can,” she challenged back.

“Is that so?” Hook asked, crowding her a little more, eyebrow cocked in interest. “And just what are the terms of this bet?”

If ever asked under oath, Emma would swear his eyebrows spoke a language all their own. “If I win, I get the Captain’s quarters,” Emma replied, crossing her arms over her chest smugly - as if she’d already won.

“I told you before, Swan, you and the lad should have my quarters.”

“I don’t want it given to me, I want to take it from you.”

“Fine,” he sighed, “such a stubborn lass. And if I win?”

“You tell me,” Emma said with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Hmmmm,” he hummed, as the tip of his tongue swept along his bottom lip. “How about…” he continued, tapping his pointer finger to his lips.

Emma leaned toward him with anticipation as he pondered the terms to set. 

“I get to ask you any question I want.”

“Seriously?” Emma sputtered, head tilting to the side, it was rhetorical at best, not an actual question. “You’re taking this gentleman schtick a little over the top. I thought you’d want me to flash my tits or another kiss?”

“I told you, love, I am always a gentleman, and as such, I would never want to take a kiss from you in victory, I want it given to me, willingly. I want you to want it as much as I do.”

Emma blushed as he spoke, damn him for being a chivalrous pirate. “Whatever,” Emma muttered, “I’m winning this bet anyway.”

“So, we have an accord?” he questioned, holding out his hand for her to shake.

“Deal,” Emma said, shaking his hand. “How will we know no one cheated?”

“I do have a code, Swan,” Hook scoffed, “pillaging and plundering, yes; swashbuckling, yes; swindling beautiful maidens, never.” He held his hand over his heart as if he were making a pledge. 

Emma smiled at the actual drama queen standing before her, laughing lightly, it felt good. “Okay, so how are we doing this thing?” Hook held up his hand like he was about to take an actual oath, and Emma was half inclined to high-five him, though she was sure that was not his intent. 

“Take my hand then,” he prompted, nodding his head toward his hand. Once her fingers were laced with his, he explained that he would count to three and they’d both submerge to the bottom, first one up was the loser, and the winner would know, because the loser would release the winner’s hand to reach the surface for air. 

On three they submerged, and Emma could not see a thing. Hook was inches from her, and the only indication was his hand in hers. Feeling the comfort of his grasp in the eerily dark abyss, she pondered over the fact that she’d interlocked their fingers, instead of just holding hands palm in palm. She really needed off this island, she couldn’t be falling for him. Life was too hard for a relationship. Or was it really too hard, the rarely heard from, softer side of Emma Swan’s mind butted in. It could be so easy, this voice told her. 

When Hook had told her that he would win her heart without any trickery, Emma’s heart had beat a little stronger just for him, she’d wanted to pull him into her arms to make out right there. Alas, there had still been the issue of her beloved child to save.

Would it really be so bad to let Hook try to win her heart though? He truly was a gentleman, a pirate scoundrel sometimes too, but it was part of his charm. Plus, her lie detector said that everything he’d told her regarding how he felt about her, about what the kiss exposed, it was all true.

Emma’s mind wandered back to Storybrooke, to what it might be like to have someone who understood her, someone who was like her, to spend time with. The squeeze he gave her hand at that moment had her picturing what it might be like to walk through town with him, hand in hand. Was that even something she could still do, be that vulnerable, for the world to see her care for a man? She’d been on her own for so long, independent; free from any man who could hold her heart with the possibility of crushing it. 

Suddenly she felt dizzy, head spinning and heart pounding loudly in her ears. Had she held her breath too long, or were her outlandish imaginings too much for her stoic heart? Releasing Hook’s hand, Emma rose to the surface and gulped in the air. Pushing water and hair from her face, she panted deeply. She wondered how long they’d been down there already as Hook continued his underwater mission. Leave it to him to not only win, but really show her up. 

A full minute later, Emma began to worry. Unless she’d been down there an inordinately short amount of time, he’d been under for at least two and a half minutes. Was that even possible? Had he passed out in his endeavor to “best her”? She started to actually worry for his health when another thirty seconds passed. 

“Goddammit Hook, where are you?” she muttered.

“Miss me, love?” 

“Oh, goddammit!” she yelled as she flailed so hard, she was pretty sure she’d just flashed her breasts unwittingly. The bastard wasn’t even out of breath when he popped up right in front of her. “Stop doing that,” she laughed as she pushed his chest. “Why’d you stay down so long, you big showoff?” 

“On the contrary, I could feel you thinking down there, the amount of body language just in your hand told me you were contemplating some things. I merely wished to give you enough time to escape, should this game have become too much for you.”

“Escape?” she scoffed.

“Now, now, Swan - we both know of your affinity to run,” he said lightly, no accusations or contempt in his voice.

“Says the pirate who sailed away when asked to be a part of something,” Emma retorted. 

“I came back, didn’t I?” he questioned with a raised eyebrow. “You, on the other hand, left me to be eaten by a giant atop that beanstalk.”

“You’re so dramatic,” she laughed. “I made a deal with Anton to release you after ten hours, I just needed a head start, in case you…” Emma’s voice lowered to a whisper, not wanting to voice her early assumptions about his motives and intentions.

“In case I betrayed you,” Hook finished. 

“Sorry,” she whispered, looking straight into his eyes, imploring him to believe the sincerity of her words. Although she’d had her reasons at the time, it didn’t make her feel less terrible now. 

“Long forgiven, milady,” he whispered in turn. Then, in the next breath, he was back to the cocky pirate she knew. “Now, I do believe I won, and per our accord, you owe me the fee of one truth.”

“Congratulations,” Emma offered, extending her hand to shake, “you won, fair and square.” No trickery, she thought. Then she crossed her arms over her chest, which was still underwater, so it didn’t make her look menacing at all as she jutted out her chin and raised both eyebrows in a silent challenge to do his worst. 

“Why thank you, Swan. Hmmm, what shall I ask you?” he spoke, as if pondering his many choices. “There are truly so many things I wish to learn about you, I want to know everything, really.”

Emma’s eyebrows lowered as a shy smile crept over her face. It was stupid, she knew, but having this man before her, admit that he wants to know everything about her made her feel… cherished, adored, wanted. It was a foreign feeling after so many years of being alone. “Well, you only get one free question,” she said, trying to deflect the saccharine sweet feelings he was stirring within her.

"Pity, that, but I do remember the terms of our agreement. I do have one question picked out that I simply must know the answer to, before I endeavor to learn more. Fair warning, I may not have an Emma Swan internal lie detector,” he said as he leaned in closer to her, “but as I told you before, you are a bit of an open book, so I’ll know if you’re twisting the truth.” 

“I would never,” Emma objected dramatically, holding a hand over her heart as he had so often done when feigning injury to his pride.

“Good,” he replied, taking a step even closer. “Then tell me, love, when you said our kiss was a one time thing, did you mean it? And if you did mean it when you said it, do you feel the same now?”

 His close proximity was making her feel a little less confident than the facade she was putting on, but Emma didn’t break the heady eye contact he’d made, a beautiful shade of blue, looking into her, reading her. And how was the kohl that rimmed his eyes unaffected by the water? She might have to pillage some of that from him, it put her realm’s cosmetics to shame. God he was gorgeous as the moonlight shined down on them, she’d never noticed the hint of red to the scruff along his sharp jawline. “That’s two questions,” she murmured breathily as she thought of nibbling along that jawline. 

“Shall I rephrase?”

“Oh, the hell with it, I never meant it,” she confessed as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her bare chest against his and kissing him soundly. 

As their lips collided hungrily, over and over, Emma was pretty sure she heard Hook mumbling thanks to the gods. She felt a little of that same relief, as she finally admitted that denying herself this thing that she wanted was ridiculous now that everyone was safe. Running her fingers through his thick hair, she gave it a little tug, angling his head so she could deepen the kiss. The groan he elicited was sinful and it kind of made Emma want to rub herself all over him. 

Instead she ran her other hand over his chest, deciding to take her time, she’d wanted to feel that chest hair since the first time she’d seen it proudly on display. It wasn’t quite what she expected since they were both wet and it was matted to his chest. She smirked when he jumped, his hand tightening involuntarily in her hair as she ran a thumb over his nipple. 

“A little sensitive, Captain?” she teased, looking up at him through her long lashes.

“Aye,” Hook chuckled, “‘s been awhile.”

It’d been a long dry spell for her as well. And it’d been even longer since feeling any true emotion when with a man. It had merely been scratching an itch for so long that she was a little scared what this all meant. The tingling, unadulterated want she felt in every nerve of her body far outweighed the fear though. “Touch me,” she whispered as she wrapped both arms around his waist.

 “Bloody Hell, you’ll be the death of me, woman,” he muttered as he kissed her once more. He wrapped his good arm around her and pulled her in close. Trailing a path from her mouth to her ear, he bit gently on her lobe, and it was his turn to smirk as a shiver ran through Emma’s entire body.  “Would you be opposed to taking this back on land?” 

“We just got clean, I don’t want sand in every crack and crevice,” she giggled while wrinkling her nose. 

“Aye, that would be less than optimal,” Hook agreed, “though the place I have in mind won’t get your nether regions sandy.”

“What’s wrong with right here, right now?” Emma challenged. She was pulled up short when Hook’s cheeks went pink and he scratched behind his ear as he did so often when he was feeling slightly unsure of himself. Truth be told, Emma found it cute, although she’d never tell him that, she doubted the fearsome pirate captain wanted cute to be correlated to his reputation. 

“It’s just, I’d rather…”

Brushing the hair from his forehead, Emma smoothed her thumb over the worry line that creased his brow.  “What’s wrong?” she asked. When he made no attempt to answer, Emma decided to employ his own tactics against him. “Try something new, Hook. It’s called trust.”

Emma internally cheered as one of Hook’s mega watt smiles overtook his face. The smile that showed those adorable (another word she was sure he would not want associated with him) dimples, and crinkled the corners of his eyes. 

“Touché lass,” he conceded, “I’d rather be able to have use of all my appendages.”

Emma raised an eyebrow, gazing very obviously in the direction of his most manly appendage. “Ummm, it felt like it was working just fine to me.” 

“Christ, Swan,” he chuckled, “I assure you, everything is ready, willing, and able in that department. I’d like my hook.”

Emma’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened as she thought, not for the first time, about what that hook would feel like against her heated skin. 

“It’s okay, love, if it repulses you, I can just wear the brace without the hook.” 

Emma shook her head, a frown downturning her brows and her lips, “Stop-”

“But I assure you,” Hook continued without letting Emma speak, “if the hook repulses you, the wound will surely-”

Emma’s hand over his mouth was more effective in shutting him up. “Stop it,” she demanded, “right now.” 

Hook was a little taken aback by being commanded by the fiery version of Emma, he’d seen her fiery side before, and he liked it, he liked every part of her. He wasn’t taken aback by her fire, rather he wasn’t used to being bossed around. He was the boss. But as he stood there, with her hand over his mouth, he realized he’d follow her orders any day. 

“Do you think I’m unaware that you don’t have a left hand?”

Hook shook his head in the negative, since her hand was still covering his mouth.

“Do you think I’m so shallow as to be repulsed by your hook or your brace or your wound?”

Hook took longer to answer this time, contemplating what he’d said and what she was asking. He supposed his words may have left room for misinterpretation. Slowly shaking his head no again, Emma removed her hand from his mouth.

“Good,” she stated simply, reaching for his left wrist before he even realized she'd made a move. 

His head spun when he felt Emma’s touch upon his scarred flesh and his knee-jerk reaction was to pull away from her grasp. He struggled to find the words through the haze. “It was not my intent to imply you are shallow, Emma. It is my own reticence.” 

“Trust me,” she whispered as she took his left wrist again. Wrapping both of her hands around his forearm and blunt wrist. Emma repeated the words comfortingly as she placed the arm he was so ashamed of between her breasts and held it there, where he could feel her heart beating. 

“Your hook, your brace, or just this,” she squeezed his wrist, “has no bearing on how I feel about you. I care about you, Hook.” Her voice sounded shaky, even in her own ears. “You came back for me, you helped save my son, you make me feel wanted, you make me feel good about being me.” Removing one hand from his damaged skin, Emma wrapped it around the back of his neck and pulled his forehead to hers before closing her eyes and continuing. “I’m not ready for this part, and I apologize, because that is my hang up.”

“Hang up?” he questions.

“A simpleton’s way of saying reticence,” she answers with a small smile before continuing. “I hate words, they make things real, and messy, and although I mean everything I’m saying, that’s all I can handle right now. Please just…” she inhaled sharply as she tried to articulate her plea to let this be enough. 

“I understand,” he whispered, voice just as shaky as Emma’s. He placed his hand on her cheek, lovingly caressing the softness of her lower lip. “And I do trust you, love.” He pecked her lips once before continuing. “I know you don’t like words, that much was clear from the start,” he said with a knowing smile and another peck to her lips, “but I’d like to respond, if you’re amenable?”

Emma nodded her head, eyes still closed, still reeling from her own confessions. 

Hook kissed her gently again before prodding her to open her eyes. “I want you to see the truth of my words.” 

Emma inhaled deeply, then opened her eyes to look at him. She bit her lip, a nervous habit from her teen years, as she waited for his words.

“I want to be the one to bite this lip,” Hook growled, as he used his thumb to massage her lip from her teeth.

“Truth,” Emma giggled despite herself, nodding to let him know her lie detector was working.

Hook waggled his eyebrows and smirked at her, before resuming his more resolute demeanor. “I have never felt more naturally drawn to a woman than I do with you. Your fire and passion brought my dormant heart back to life, and for the first time in decades upon decades, I want to be a better version of myself, a version that has been long forgotten, the old Killian Jones who was an honorable man, with good intentions, and hope in his heart, not revenge.”

“You may have lost your way for a time, but you’re still an honorable man, Killian.”

“Gods above,” Hook murmured as he wrapped both arms around Emma and pulled her into nothing more than a loving embrace. He was in love with her, but now was not the time. Emma would undoubtedly run if any grand declarations were made. He hadn’t felt this vulnerable maybe ever and he longed to hear her call him by his given name again. 

“Emma? Hook?! What the hell?”

Emma froze in Hook’s embrace as the familiar, and annoying, and currently very judgmental voice sounded from the shore.

“Bollocks,” Hook cursed. “How shall we handle this, darling?”

“Can we just pretend he’s not there,” she deadpanned, face still buried in her neck, trying to keep reality at bay.

“Somehow I doubt that will work, but you are The Savior, you could give it a go.”

Emma sighed deeply before turning around in Hook’s arms, her back to his chest, so she could face their interloper. She placed her hands over his hand and wrist where they were wrapped around her waist. It was still dark as she faced Neal, so hopefully he wouldn’t see the eyeroll she’d just given him when she saw this silhouette of his hands on his hips like some outraged father. 

“Good morning, Neal,” she called to the shore cheerfully. “I must have lost track of time, I didn’t realize it was already your shift for bathing.”

“It’s not,” he muttered, “it’s still the middle- not the fucking point,” he interrupted himself. “It’s not your shift either, what the hell are you doing out here?”

As much as Emma wanted to tell Neal that she and Hook were doing exactly what he assumed they were doing, she abstained.  “I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” she snapped. 

“It is my business,” he snarled back, “we’re supposed to be here for Henry.”

“Don’t you dare!” Emma started, voice rising with rightfully earned indignation. “We came here to save Henry who is now safe and sound aboard the Jolly, but the reason we are here is because your deranged fiancée dragged him through a portal to sacrifice him to a madman.” 

“So you’re just going to throw away any chance of rekindling what we had, of being a family with Henry; so you can get laid by a dirty pirate.”

Emma pulled Hook’s arms around her tighter, keeping him anchored to her when she felt him start to pull away. She didn’t need these two getting into it again. 

“Oi! I bathe quite frequently, mate,” Hook quipped. “I was doing so when Swan and I happened upon each other.”

“Shut up, Hook,” Neal retorted.

“The one good thing that came from us, was Henry, but our relationship is long over. There is nothing to rekindle,” Emma sighed. She didn’t want to be mean, but she needed Neal to understand that she wanted nothing to do with him romantically. And she was not going to be lectured by the man who’d already blown up her life once. “Maybe one day, you and I can be friends for Henry’s sake, but that is the most we will ever be.”

“Ems, you don’t mean that. You’re under his thrall, it’s not real.”

Emma completely ignored the bait, choosing instead to stop this exchange in its tracks. “Hook and I are kind of busy,” she said with a lighthearted tone, while turning back around to face Hook. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she called over her shoulder, ”If there’s nothing else, we’ll see you later.”

“You mark my words Emma, when he abandons you after taking what he wants, you’re going to look back and regret this moment.”

“He’s stuck around through more shit than you ever did,” she called back, looking straight into Hook’s eyes.

Properly dismissed, Neal stormed off, muttering curses the whole way.

Emma dropped her head to Hook’s chest, exhaling with relief. “That felt good,” she said. 

“Well done, lass, though I’ve yet to see you fail, so I am not surprised Baelfire is no match for you. But perhaps we should make our way back as well,” Hook suggested. “I do believe he will be stirring the pot, come morning. You may want to be there to head off the storm.”

“I don’t care if he goes back to tell everyone, it’s not like it’s a lie, and at least this way, they will know we’re safe, and not missing. With any luck, we’ll be left alone for a bit,” she purred.

“Are you sure your parents will approve of you spending time with a dirty, one-handed pirate with a drinking problem?”

Emma’s head jerked up and she eyed him scrutinously. “First, you need to get Pan and Neal out of your head. Second, the only person who gets to decide who I spend my time with, or how I spend it, is me. And third, how do you know I don’t want you to be dirty,” she teased as she took command of his mouth with her own. 

Not giving him a chance to think further, Emma quickly kissed him again. She slid her tongue past his lips, rolling it against Hook’s, who was quick to reciprocate. She wrapped her lips around his tongue and sucked on it, eliciting one of the sexiest noises she’d ever heard. It was half growling and half begging for more. The buoyancy helped him to easily lift her and she instinctively surrounded his body with her legs.

Hook broke the kiss, in favor of exploration. His hot mouth trailed down Emma’s neck, licking here and nibbling there, never too rough, he didn’t wish to mark her, at least not where it would be visible. He palmed one of her breasts with his hand while running his thumb over her already pebbled peak. “Gods you are perfect,” he murmured before taking her other breast in his mouth and alternating between gently suckling and the graze of his teeth. 

Emma moaned softly in pleasure and torment as Hook worked her up, her clit throbbed and she longed to feel his hand or his mouth between her legs. Grabbing a fistful of his hair, she pulled his head back and gazed into his eyes, want and desire evident in her pupils which were blown wide and the way her tongue licked salaciously over her bottom lip before she bit down on it. 

She unwrapped her legs from around Hook’s torso, in favor of standing again. Sliding her hands down his back, she squeezed his ass cheeks before pressing her body against his. “I want you,” she whispered when she felt his hardness against her stomach. Emma reached between them to wrap her hand around his thick length.

“Swan,” Hook choked out, pulling her hand gently away from his overly eager cock. “I really don’t want this to be over before it starts.”

Emma smiled knowingly, the very thought of making him come early amping up her need. “Okay, you lead,” she agreed.

“Come with me.” Hook led her toward the far end of the pond, which was actually far larger than she’d realized. They rounded a large looming rock which cloaked the entrance to a small cave by the shore.

“You just know all the secret spots, don’t you?”

“I discovered many hiding spots over the years I spent on this cursed island,” Hook acknowledged. “I usually walk to this side of the water’s edge to deposit all my belongings before bathing. One can never be too safe with the keeping of his hook.” Extending his hand to Emma, he led her out of the water and into the shelter. 

They entered far enough to have a little privacy, but not so far as to be pitched in blackness. Hook pulled her over to a natural, rock-formed shelf. “Do you want a towel, milady? Perhaps my shirt?”

“I want you,” Emma growled, yanking on his hand and pulling him flush against her body and attacking his mouth again.

“Mmmm, as you wish,” he uttered between ardent kisses. 

Emma whined when he broke away from her again, “Hook!”

“Patience, darling,” he teased. Then he quickly grabbed his jacket and his towel, laying first the jacket down on the cave floor, followed by the towel. “So you don’t get sand in every crack and crevice,” he advised with a mock bow. 

Emma laughed at his naked bow before tackling him to the makeshift bed and straddling his hips. She wove the fingers of her left hand with his right, and wrapped her other hand around his wrist before pinning them above his head. 

She didn’t miss the way he jumped when she embraced his wrist, a fleeting look of helplessness crossing over his face. She kissed him softly, tenderly, wanting to calm his nerves about his perceived flaw. When she felt his body relax against hers, she started to trail kisses across the line of his jaw before veering back up to his ear. “Has anyone ever told you, you are beyond gorgeous?” she whispered before sucking his earlobe into her mouth.

“I tell myself this all the time, but it does sound much lovelier on your luscious lips.”

“These lips?” Emma asked, sitting up just slightly and running her tongue along her bottom lip.

“Aye, the very ones,” Hook struggled to get out of her hold, as he tried leaning up to taste her lips.

Emma kept a firm hold on him though, enjoying this little bit of control. She could feel his cock against her ass, hard for her, twitching each time she nibbled and sucked at his skin. She continued to trail kisses downward, along his neck, across his pecs. His hips thrusted upwards when she bit down on his nipple and flicked her tongue over the sensitive flesh. “Patience,” she mimicked his earlier command. 

Hook’s melodramatic exhale made her giggle as she scooted further down his body, gently rubbing her wet core along his cock. “Bloody hell!” Hook cursed while deftly flipping them over.

“Don’t you want to see what else these luscious lips can do?” she asked with a wicked grin. 

“Gods above, I do. But I swear you will unman me the moment you wrap your lips around me.”

Emma smirked at him, eyes alight with lust.

“You little minx, you like that idea don’t you?” 

“Maybe,” she admitted, a confession really, despite the ambiguity of the answer. She’d already resumed stroking him.

“Fuck,” Hook hissed at her touch. He was torn between his ego needing to pleasure her first and his baser instincts demanding he let her do her worst. 

Emma watched Hook, saw him struggle with the decision, his eyes squeezing shut when she ran her thumb over his tip. Without waiting for his answer, Emma rolled them back over and licked from his base to his tip before sucking the head of his cock into her mouth while continuing to pump him.

  Her clit ached as she reveled in the wrecked expression on his face, Hook was watching her every move, lip pinned between his teeth as he struggled to hold out. She knew he was close when his hand balled into a white knuckled fist on his stomach and she gently cupped his balls to massage them. The sound that left his mouth was positively feral as he came hard, warm and wet in her mouth.

She savored the moment, he hadn’t lasted long, and she’d been the one to do that to him. But that was all she had, a fleeting moment before she was being rolled to her back. 

Hook held her in his blunted arm and dove in for a kiss, not caring at all that his taste was still on her tongue. He smiled against her lips when he felt her spreading her legs beneath him. “Eager, are we?” he asked between kisses.

“Don’t tease,” she panted into his mouth.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Hook slowly caressed his hand down her neck, stopping to play with her breasts for just a moment before continuing down to where he knew she was desperate to be touched. He parted her lips with two fingers and slid his middle finger into the warm wetness waiting for him. “Gods, Swan, you’re soaked.” His cock was already coming back to life as he thought about sliding into her wet heat.

Emma’s eyes rolled shut as Hook massaged her clit with her slippery wetness and any response she could’ve made was forgotten. Her mouth parted with an involuntary whimper when he switched it up, suddenly, but oh so easily slipping two fingers deep inside her. She contracted around his fingers, then pushed down, welcoming the penetration. 

Hook fucked her with his fingers, circling his thumb over her clit, while watching her cheeks flush pink and her breasts bounce as she rode his hand. Longing to taste her, he repositioned himself between her legs, chuckling at her whine of protest when he had to stop for a moment. 

“Oh fuck,” she panted when he resumed loving her clit, this time with his tongue. He alternated between licks and flicks and sucking. Emma’s head spun dizzily, she’d experienced oral sex, but apparently she had never experienced mind blowing oral sex. She threaded both hands into his hair and tried desperately not to be too rough. “Oh my god, I’m gonna… I’m gonna…”

Hook chose that moment to thrust his fingers back inside her and Emma was gone, she came harder than she ever had, warm and tingly and wet as Hook continued to thrust his fingers into her and suck on her clit. She saw stars or dots or something behind her eyelids and there was a rush of waves nearby, or maybe that was just the adrenaline coursing in her ears. The little aftershocks pulsing and throbbing in her clit were heavenly and oh my god, that was fucking amazing, she thought.

“Get up here,” she purred, pulling on his hair.

“It seems someone was just as primed as I was,” Hook smirked as he slid back up the length of her body.

Emma silenced his smugness by wrapping her legs around waist and flipping him to his back. The rush of air that left Hook’s chest made her chuckle as she placed her hands on his cheeks and whispered to him between kisses. “Well, you’re very, very skilled,” she praised.

“You set the bar very high, love.”

Emma beamed at his compliment, her cheeks warming. She wasn’t sure what it was about this man that made her feel unlike she’d ever felt with another man. Like she was special and desired, it made her feel sexually free in a way she never had. Sitting astride Hook’s solid body, she caressed her hands along his chest, exploring his now dry chest hair, it was just as thick and glorious as she’d imagined. 

Emma could see the scars littering his flesh and she’d felt more when they’d been in the water and her hands had explored the expanse of his back. She wondered how rough his life had been to have this many physical scars. Her heart constricted a bit at that thought, especially already knowing he had just as many emotional scars as she did. She was both taken aback and a little frightened when she realized she wanted to know so much more about Hook. Maybe it was time to stop running from good things, Emma thought, her mind once again weighing the pros and cons of a relationship. Her train of thought was lewdly interrupted by a thrust of Hook’s hips, his hardness tapping at her back.

“Ready so soon, pirate,” she said in a husky tone while rising up on her knees and guiding him to her core. She ran the tip of his cock through her wet folds, both of them moaning with unadulterated lust. 

“Fuck yes,” he growled, thrusting his hips upward again. 

Emma cried out as his tip slipped inside her, a wave of arousal pooling and her belly tightening with want. She slid down his generous length, slowly savoring the drag against her slippery walls. She planted both hands on his chest and stilled her movements when he was fully seated, adjusting to his size. 

“You alright, love?” Hook asked, squeezing her hip gently while he circled his thumb over her hip bone.

She nodded her head and opened her eyes, which she didn’t realize she’d shut, to gaze down at the gorgeous man below her. “You feel good,” she praised, lifting her hips and sinking back down on to him. Emma set a languid pace, delighting in the sensation of fucking, the drag along her walls, angling herself so he hit that spot.

“That’s it, lass, take what you want,” Hook encouraged as Emma rode him; slowly at first, then building in pace as her cheeks flushed and a light sheen of sweat broke out across her forehead. He wished, not for the first time tonight, to be able to touch her with two hands. He encouraged her to touch her breasts as he changed course to play with her clit. 

Emma’s thighs began to burn as she worked to bring them both to that sweet edge of release, and the delicious friction between them built higher and higher. She palmed her breasts, tweaking her nipples and watched as Hook thumbed her clit in time with her thrusts. His hooded eyes roamed her body, and he bit down on his lip as he watched his cock disappear inside her heat over and over. She liked watching him watch her and the small grunts he gave each time she impaled herself and ground against him were hot. Emma found herself at the edge of bliss again and she whimpered as Hook began thrusting up into her.

Hook was having a hard time controlling his ardor, he wanted to flip them and plunge deeply into her. She was a vision, flushed pink, sweaty, breasts bouncing as she rode him to the edge. And then he heard her...

“Come with me, Killian,” she panted.

...and he was undone. The plea in her tone as she said his name and the massage of her walls against his cock as she began to come, ended him. He came hard and hot with a cry of her name, filling her with his seed until it began to spill as she continued to ride him through both of their releases. 

As euphoria traveled throughout her body, Emma slumped into Hook’s body. She’d never felt so gratified as her entire being thrummed with bliss. Hook turned them to their sides and kissed her fervently. Wrapping both her arms around him, Emma gave as good as she got, their tongues and lips engaging lovingly. She lost track of all time as they lay together, parting only when they needed breath. “That was-”

Hook covered her mouth much as she had covered his earlier. “Don’t,” he whispered with a pleading look in his eyes.

Emma wrapped her fingers around his palm and removed his hand, giggling quietly. “I didn’t mean it the first time, and I damn sure wouldn’t mean it this time,” she assured him, noting how his shoulders sagged in relief. “I was going to say that was amazing… brilliant,” she murmured into his ear. 

Hook chuckled, remembering the time he’d said those words to her. “Aye, Swan, we still make quite the team.”

Emma could only smile at the seamless harmony that flowed between them. And she kissed him once more before snuggling into him. 

As a sated exhaustion made itself known in her body, Emma rejoiced that it was still dark outside of the cave. A vigorous yawn and stretch wracked her body, and Killian chuckled lightly again.

“Did I wear you out?” 

Emma laughed as the same yawn tore through Hook, no sooner had he spoken his teasing words. “I think we wore each other out,” she snickered. 

“Aye lass, I believe you’re right. How about we get washed up and head back to the Jolly? I’ll give you the captain’s quarters, even though you lost.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Brag much?”

“What is the fun in winning a wager if I cannot gloat?”

“Such a pirate,” she muttered before rolling him to his back again. “How about we share the captain’s quarters?”

“Deal,” Hook accepted without hesitation. 

A half hour later, they were standing in the cave, bathed, and mostly dressed, Hook had gone to get Emma’s clothes for her from the opposite shoreline. 

“Shall we?” Hook asked, offering Emma his hand. He frowned when she made no attempt to move.

“I’d rather…” she started, a blush coloring her cheeks.

“Ah, I understand,” Hook said, quickly understanding. “Shall we head back in separate directions? Or perhaps, I’ll just stay here for a bit and come back later in the morning.”

Emma rolled her eyes again, this time with a bit of frustration, as she placed her hands on her hips. “That is not what I was going to say.”

Hook raised an eyebrow in question, waiting for her to explain.

“Has nothing I’ve said tonight gotten through to you? Or did that mind blowing sex make you forget?” She took his heavier than expected leather duster from where he had it draped over his arm and turned around to lay it out on the cave floor. 

Turning to face Hook again, she cupped his face in both hands. “Let’s recap, I like how you make me feel, I’m not worried about everyone finding out, best oral ever, sensational sex, no running away. I fancy you, Killian.” Emma finished her statement with a gentle kiss.

The gobsmacked look on Hook’s face made her laugh out loud. “I was going to say I’d rather spend the rest of the night here with you. We already know everyone else will know we’re safe. Even if Neal doesn’t outright blab; if Mary Margaret and David start to worry, he won’t hesitate to spill what he knows.” 

“You fancy me, love?”

Despite heavily stroking his ego by admitting he was the best she’d ever been with, it figured the part he’d pick up on was the closest she’d get to any kind of outright confession of feelings. Emma smacked her hand to her forehead. “Yes, Killian, I fancy you. Don’t get all cocky about it.”

“On my honor, I’ll not get cocky,” he promised before leaning in to kiss her, “as I quite fancy you as well. But you already know that.”  

Laying down on his jacket, the two snuggled together, Emma in panties and Hook’s shirt and Hook in his birthday suit.

“You needed to get naked again to go to sleep?” Emma asked with a little sarcasm in her tone.

“I’ll have you know that style and comfort do not go hand in hand, Swan. Those leathers, though appealing to the eye, do not make for great sleep clothes. Besides, all pirate’s know the only way to sleep when there’s a lovely lass in his bed, is in the nude. You know… easy access.”

“Why am I not surprised by that, Killian?”

“I’ll never tire of hearing you call me that,” he answered. 

“Killian,” she whispered.

“Aye, love?”

“Nothing, I just wanted you to hear me say it again.”

A boyish smile broke out over Killian’s face as he pulled her in tighter to his side. “Good night, Swan.”

“Goodnight, Killian.”

The End

Tagging some lovely shipmates - please let me know if you don’t want to be tagged - or if you’re reading and want me to tag you. 

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