#except the older you get the less it still applies

[blueflyingturtleontheway]

Don't you think it's a bit sad how socially if you're bad at something or something doesn't go your way you can talk about it freely and everyone is sympathetic and when something finally goes right everyone cheers

But if things usually go well for you you're supposed to shut up about it lest it sounds like you're bragging or trying to make others feel miserable and when something finally goes wrong everyone calls that "karma", is happy about your misfortune or tells you to suck it up because "everything else goes great for you why do you care"

I don't know I suppose I'm just a privileged whiny child that is upset that something isn't as good as she wanted it to be

[smuttysabina]

"I am" a Bitch

(Rei x Male Reader, 3.3k Words) Tags: Pretty Little Risky Baddie, What A Brat, Wow She Is So Spoiled, I Sure Hope She Doesn't Get Her Butt Stretched Out, Anal Sex, Brat Taming, Lots Of Complaining, Rough Sex, Too Much Teasing, Chaebol Obliteration

Rei is a spoiled brat. Like most of IVE, she had been pampered until her pretentiousness had swollen to absurd heights; her every whim was to be fulfilled without worry of the consequences. She fully expected that her demands would be followed, especially those pertaining to the bedroom. Though Rei was not the worst of the bunch, her sexual appetites were still incredibly skewed in her favor; the pleasure of her partner was very much so beneath her notice. So she was rather unforgiving when her "lover" failed to satisfy her obnoxious orders, but not in an enjoyable way. Perhaps you should have known better, but truly, who could blame you for dumping the fattest load of your life balls-deep inside of Rae's precious asshole?

You had mostly known what you were getting into when you applied to work for IVE, every Kpop group had its own distinct quirks regarding the hired help. Itzy were renowned for their rapacity when dealing with the "interns", and their older sisters of Twice were famous for their fetishistic forced-breeding schedules. Le Sserafim were a popular choice, mostly due to their extremely laid-back and open attitude towards sex. Positions at Blackpink were the most sought after of course, though they remained permanently open, their turnover rate was less than a week. And IVE... well IVE were notorious for treating their employees like utter garbage. Which was hardly unusual if truth be told, except for the fact that this mindset extended to include most of the staff, not just the sex pets. It was by unwritten agreement amongst idols that the more integral staff members were to be left unravished; after all, it is difficult for a music company to function when their song writers are too busy pumping the idols full of cum all day to write anything. Most importantly however, the cleaning staff were to be left entirely unmolested; if not for those brave souls, the number of injuries caused by slipping in puddles of sex-fluids would skyrocket. Even that insatiable goddess Jennie, who would fuck almost anything with a pulse, would greet the janitors with a bemused smile before continuing to drain whatever meat-dildo she was currently sending to heaven.

Unfortunately, IVE had no such distinctions; if Gaeul wanted to have the producers lick her pussy all day, then that's what they did. It was a dark miracle that the group managed to continue putting out comebacks, let alone the sort that would be astoundingly popular. So to say that the atmosphere at the IVE mansion was a bit stressful would be an understatement. But all of that negativity was on the back of your mind when you showed up for orientation at the mansion; your adoration for IVE drowning out any concerns you may have felt reading up about them. Led through a tastelessly expensive entry hall, you and many other new hires were ushered into a drab side-room for your training. After only a perfunctory introduction though, you were seamlessly sorted into being an assistant for one of the girls; and sent on your way. You are directed to a large, stately bedroom, its footprint greater than most people's entire homes, its door embossed with its owner's name. The debris of an artist occupies an entire corner of the vast room, painting materials stashed haphazardly alongside expensive electronic drawing devices. The bathroom fills the rest of that half of the room, an opaque wall covering what looks to be a standing shower as well as a sizable hot tub. The sleeping area is conjoined with the living area, cluttered with clothes, books, and entertainment devices; with an enormous television planted in front of a deep couch. The bed is sturdy, dowered with an expensive mattress and covered with an eclectic collection of blankets; and laying upon it is the owner of this gilded cage: Rei.

The idol rests upon her stomach, delicate feet kicking in the air above her head, perusing her phone with every appearance of absolute boredom. She gives you unhappy glare as you approach, her heavily-lidded eyes showing you nothing but contempt as she takes in the details. Rei lets out a petulant sigh, "So you're my new assistant huh, why do I never get the cute ones? Whatever, drop your pants, let's see what we're working with here." You hesitate at this bizarre and sudden demand, only complying after she irritable motions for you to proceed, "Hmmph, I guess you'll do, at least you don't have a needle dick. Please tell me you aren't one of those premature guys, I swear most boys have zero endurance. What? Put that thing away, I'm tired of looking at it already!" Blushing furiously from Rei's barbs, you haul your pants back up and wait for further instructions. After several minutes of pointedly ignoring you, she finally deigns to glance back up in exasperation, "Well don't just stand there idiot, do something useful like... cleaning or something? This place is a mess!" Which, to be fair, it absolutely was. Clothes were strewn about haphazardly, towers of empty food cartons were everywhere, all manner of trash was scattered about, and sticky stains on the carpet were more common than clean portions.

So you get to work, while Rei lounges about on her bed, yelling dubious advice and shrill instructions at you while you labor. Her phone either blares annoying videos, except when she is video-chatting with her fellow idols; in which case she yammers away just as loudly as the bitches getting railed in the call. And of course, she masturbates constantly, her fingers squelching away beneath her sweatpants as she watches her friends engaging in all sorts of sexual activities. That or porn; and if you are honest with yourself it's difficult to tell the difference between the two. Not that Rei takes kindly to be watched during her "Private Time", nor the fact that the sight and scent of her pleasuring herself has an arousing effect on your own genitals, "You fucking pervert, stop watching me! Ugh what kind of assistant are you? And are you getting hard again? Stop that! I didn't say you could get horny, so stop looking and keep cleaning!" An attitude which was annoying in the extreme, especially since it was a touch difficult to bend over with a hardon bulging out of your pants. Your irritation only grows as Rei continues to rain abuse on you for doing what you're told, particularly when she went into hysterics when you got around to picking up and sorting the massive pile of underwear heaped against a dresser. You are starting to see why IVE had be having trouble retaining their staff...

After several grueling hours of labor, you finally finished restoring order to at least one portion of Rei's expansive living area; and so lay down to take a break on a couch. Not five minutes had passed before you were being poked awake by Rei, scowling down at you with her hands on her hips. Who haughtily announces that she was going to take a bath, and that she required assistance; now. You groan before hauling yourself after the idol to the bathroom section, where you are stunned to find her stripping carelessly in front of you. You stare at Rei in shock, your foul mood entirely dispelled by the magnificent sight before your eyes; she merely sniffs as you gaze at her. Her surprisingly moderate bust perks boldly outward, the soft curve of her hips descending towards a deliciously full ass, her lithe legs supported by her delicate feet. Now this made her earlier abuse almost worthwhile, surely such a goddess could be allowed a few flaws? Surely it was her due to be given such slavish attention, surely you had deserved such ill-treatment for not paying proper homage to Rei? The illusion of divinity is shattered however, when Rei responds to your adoration with scorn, "Ew, could you not look at me like that, it's weird. Also, get naked already, didn't I tell you to listen you moron?"

So you gingerly remove your clothes, wincing as you strain your sore muscles, and by the time you are finished Rei is already standing in the luxurious hot tub. With her hands on her hips, she gives you an exasperated look, and you scramble up into the bath to avoid another irritating tongue-lashing. You sit down with a sigh, decompressing in the soothing warm waters, water-jets massaging your aching back in a most pleasant fashion. Your momentary calm is cracked somewhat when Rei proceeds to plop down into your lap, her ample bottom squishing up against your groin as she reclines against you. You are rendered speechless by her sudden intimacy, and surprisingly, she is just as quiet. Rei seems content to use you as furniture as she relaxes, and in this moment of tranquility you take in your surroundings in more detail. A sprawling plethora of bottles precariously perch on the further edge of the hot tub, while the rim to your right is taken up entirely with sexual accessories. The bathroom area itself was relatively clean, but clutter was gradually overrunning every available surface; most noticeable was the trash can overflowing with condom wrappers, Rei was obviously a healthy girl...

Rei starts slightly as you harden, but otherwise seems content to ignore the fact that your cock is currently digging into her butt. She wriggles a little to reposition, then relaxes once more, until eventually she sighs and stands up out of the water. She glances back at you, "Your size?" Rei asks as she reaches towards the boxes of condoms. Nodding at your answer, she pulls out a string of them and tosses them at you before ordering you to close your eyes as she fiddles with some sort of tube. You hear Rei let out a soft curse, "Ugh, it's so cold..." then water churns and she grumbles at you, "Well, put it on already!" You open your eyes to find her scowling down at you, and you hurriedly hoist our crotch out of the water so you can slip a condom onto it. You reach towards Rei, only for her to slap your hands away, "Hey! No, sit back down! And don't you dare move, I hate it when guys act like they're not just dildos." With that out of the way, and giving you one final glare in warning, she turns around and lowers herself once more onto your crotch. But this time the burning heat of the water is replaced by the much more subdued warmth of Rei's insides, as she slowly slides your length into herself. Her plump ass squirms as she settles into her new perch, and she is soon gently rocking back and forth in your lap while her hands are busy between her thighs. Her pink hair tickles your face as she grinds on your bulging cock, teasing it endlessly as she pleasures herself. Rei's entire weight is pressed onto your cock as she lifts her legs, the roiling water supporting her as she precisely orients her body to force you as deep as possible. Then Rei lets out a sudden squeak, and she quivers against you, her hole clenching tight around your now painfully erect member.

Rei shudders, her asshole palpitating as she relaxes back against your chest, breathing heavily as she eases her weight off of your manhood. After resting against you for about a minute or so, oblivious to your cock as it throbs inside of her, she pushes herself up off of you in a cascade of water. You get a faceful of ass, and as she bends forward her slightly gaping brown anus is revealed, glistening wetly and flushed from use. Rei notices you staring and quickly turns around, covering herself as she does, "What, it's not like I would let you fuck my unused pussy, I'm saving it for my beloved!" You highly doubt that Rei's cunt had gone unstretched during her stint as a trainee, but you are far more focused on the fact that you had not been able to finish. The bratty idol gives you a confused look as she notices your demeanor, "Oh, did you not cum...? Feel free to jack off into the condom or something, just don't make a mess!" Humming cheerfully, she clambers out of the hot tub and is soon ensconced in an oversized fluffy towel; whereupon she putters off towards the living area, dripping water everywhere. Grumbling, and still staggeringly erect, you dry yourself off before following her, finding Rei sprawled on her couch flicking through channels. Not even deigning to glance at you, she reminds you to clean up all the water you got on the floor walking over there. Rolling your eyes you obey, though not without complaining under your breath, by the time you finished up and returned to your spoiled mistress she has already switched to watching porn. Loud moans and squeals blare from the enormous television as some woman is getting absolutely railed on screen. Rei is already masturbating shamelessly upon her discarded towel, her dark nipples starkly erect.

The idol glances over as you approach and nods in satisfaction as she notices that your dick is still hard, she scrambles around so that her plump posterior is pointed right at you, "Grab a condom, but follow my orders exactly, okay? My butt is very delicate." Sheathed once more in latex supplied from an ever-present condom box, you gently grasp her hips, "Okay, so put a lot of lube in, gently, then slowly ease your dick in, got it?" Instructions which you ignore entirely, as you simply shove your cock directly into Rei's vulnerable asshole. Whose back arches up as she shrieks in surprise, wailing as if she had just been poleaxed. The bitch was obviously exaggerating however, your dick had slid smoothly inside of her, only catching a little at the entrance, evidently Rei had squirted so much lube inside of herself earlier that she still had loads of it coating her insides. Not that she sees it that way, "YOU DUMB FUCK! TAKE IT OUT TAKE IT OUT!" she howls, clawing at the couch for support as her legs shudder. But you are done taking orders from this entitled brat, and pull back, dragging a solid inch of her insides along with you, Rei barely has time to gasp out "Oh thank-" before you slam your entire length back into her guts. This time she is only able to let out an outraged gasp, unable to comprehend how a lowly fan like you could possibly disobey a chaebol of IVE.

Of course, most other idols would not have stood for such treatment either, Yeji would have been clawing your back into bloody ribbons, Rose would have been beating you mercilessly, Jihyo would have pinned you down and firmly forced you inside the proper hole, Dami would have had you biting the couch as she pummeled you with a gargantuan strapon. Instead, Rei, scion of a renowned idol training program, promptly bursts into noisy tears. Normally a girl sobbing would have given you pause, and caused you to rush to give her comfort, but this bitch had been abusing you for hours now, and it seemed a bit of an overreaction; so you continue. Rei blubbers as loudly as the girl on screen, bemoaning her fate and tepidly demanding that you listen to her. But by now you were getting into the swing of things, and to be completely honest her asshole was practically sucking you inside after every thrust. Her thick ass-cheeks clap loudly as you slam yourself against them again and again, providing a meaty cushion that was almost begging for a thoroughly rough plowing. So you give it to them, violently pistoning your cock into her guts, causing her to squeak plaintively and writhe in your grasp as you firmly hold her steady. Then Rei starts to shake, her ass shivering in a familiar way, you don't stop moving though, even when she suddenly starts to scream shrilly, spittle flying onto the couch.

Something hot and wet slops onto your balls, sticking tight to it and smearing deep into its folds. Surprised, you pull out, leaving Rei's asshole gaping enough to show pink and sputtering foully, and beneath that, a shaven pussy absolutely slathered with cunt cream, connected her sex to yours with glistening streamers. She whines in embarrassment, looking back at you in disbelief at the mess she had made, her squeezable cheeks flushing bright red. Before Rei could make any excuses however you had crammed your cock back into her sloppy ass, causing her to groan and bite the fabric. A glow with satisfaction with yourself, you fall back into your rough rhythm, plowing away with enough force to make her ass-cheeks jiggle with every thrust. The steady slap of skin fills the room as you relentlessly fuck Rei, drowning out the depravities taking place on the TV, (by this point the woman appeared to be taking four cocks at once). But Rei wasn't an idol for nothing, and even after such ungentle treatment her butt still devoured your manhood voraciously; squeezing it tightly without any sign of tiring. Your tip grows warmer as you continue to pound away at her hole, it even starts to feel a bit wet within the rubber. The added stimulation is enough to make your heartily sore balls finally start to pulse, and you feel pleasure emanating from the base of your cock, urging you to go deeper. Groaning loudly, you haul Rei back as hard as you can, squishing against her butt with all your might as you climax spectacularly, filling your condom with thick reams of semen. Rei moans in sympathy, but a note of confusion turns her sweet tones shrill, "Oh fuck yes- WAIT. Wait you idiot you're fucking cumming in me! Oh fuck there's so much! Pull out fuckwit, pull out!" Startled by the sudden vehemence in her voice, you abruptly pull out of her, her unplugged asshole sloppily burping your seed out into the creamy filth already coating her sex. Now that it is exposed, you are able to clearly see the issue, your sex had been so violent it had torn the condom open, allowing your cum to surge into Rei's unprotected asshole; who is not taking it well.

"Fuckfuckfuckfuck! It's so slimy and gross! I fucking hate cum! How fucking dare you cum in me! Ugh I feel like I'm going to puke!" she staggers upright, scowling furiously at you as she stumbles towards the bathroom. She points angrily at her door, "Out! Get the fuck out!" she screams, pulling herself onto the toilet and squatting upon it like a gargoyle. You quickly dress under her glare, as she starts to shit the vast amount of semen you had pumped into her. Once out the door, you report to the staff member, who seems unsurprised to discover that she had kicked you out of her room. They instruct you to return tomorrow, apparently the assistants were quietly cycled between the girls until they caught on and demanded their removal permanently. You are utterly shocked the next day then when you are once more ordered to wait upon Rei. Led to her familiar door, you find the brat hunched in front of a tablet, morosely jotting upon it with a stylus. She grunts as she sees you, frowning unhappily, rolling the stylus nimbly through her fingers as she ponders something deeply. Finally though she sighs, and demands that you strip once more. You nervously comply, worried about what sort of depraved revenge Rei has in store for you. But instead she simply stalks over to her bed, casting off her clothes as she goes, whereupon she bends over, looking back at you with annoyed trepidation.

"Well, what are you waiting for, idiot? You had better not break your condom this time! Oh and- um," Rei blushes in embarrassment, seemingly mortified that she has to say this, "please be rough again..."

[partycatty]

older!johnny cage > listen up

you just can't seem to follow orders, so johnny explains them loud and clear... :3

warnings: you're a dilf obsessed freak and you get yelled at idk, he's meaner than usual, idk how the military works

[ masterlist ]

• lieutenant cage was, at the best of times, a strong advisor and wise man.

• at his worst of times, he's barking orders at the squad like a pack of dogs, not that you'd complain if he forced you to all fours, if we're all being honest here.

• some bat out of netherrealm must've pissed in his coffee this morning, and johnny was making it everyone's problem by forcibly refreshing everyone on basic commands. you wonder if it was just an excuse for him to yell his frustration away.

• "fall in!" his booming voice startles you from your trance and you're snapped back to your position, you and other recruits standing in front of johnny in dead-still positions.

• "ten-hut!" he calls, and your back snaps straight. you groan to yourself at the sudden movement, and lieutenant cage catches the sound. his head snaps toward you with a scowl. "no complaining or we're here til sundown, is that clear?!"

• "yes, sir!" your voice can only boom as much, far less trained in the art of... yelling at people.

• cage rattles on about something regarding everyone not knowing their lefts and rights, and decides everyone is deserving of a refresher. so, he stands with his hands behind his back.

• "left face!" you pivot instantly, the choir of shuffling around you moves with you like a strict ocean. "right face!" you return to your previous position with your stick-up-your-ass military posture.

• he barks the directions out in rapid succession, the crowd following it seamlessly... except for you. maybe you didn't get enough sleep, or maybe johnny's cruel voice was making you dizzier than the pivoting was. you stumbled over yourself, a beat behind the rest.

• you stood out like a sore thumb as much as you wished to blend in out of embarrassment. your wonky timing was painfully obvious against the crowd, and johnny let out a loud groan, ripping his sunglasses from his face.

• "christ on a bike," he grumbles, uttering your last name. "are you gonna follow orders or sit there like an idiot?"

• your lips shut tight, eyes forward as johnny stomps up, nearly brushing his chest in your face. his breathing stutters, and you fight every urge to not look up into his eyes.

• "you don't know how to listen, do you?" he growls, nearly speaking into the top of your head. "wasting my god damn time."

• "sorry, sir," your voice shrinks in your throat, which apparently deeply offends johnny today.

• his hand flies to your jaw, holding somewhere between your neck and your jaw as he tilts your head up, applying pressure as the sides of your vision blur out.

• "you're gonna speak loud and clear to me when you answer me, is that clear?" his voice teeters between a whisper and growl, eyes darting between yours.

• you wanted to be scared, you wanted to be compliant and listen to his order, but his hand was literally on your neck. this flustered you, embarrassingly easy and words were almost impossible. your vision spaces out, eyes wandering as you try to ground yourself.

• johnny tugs at your face, drawing your attention back. "look at me when i speak to you."

• "yes, sir," you choke out, a little clearer this time.

• his brows furrow for a moment, lip twitching in a dubious expression you'd never seen on his aged face before. "you're gonna be the death of me."

• you don't even get a moment to contemplate his curious choice of words, as his hand pulls away from your face and he spins on his heel, retreating to his previous position.

• he barks that everyone is starting over because of you and a quiet wave of sighs and shuffles heat your face. it was already mortifying to be humiliated in front of your squad, but you were berated by none other than your dilfy work crush... your boss. maybe you could curl up into a ball and die here and now.

• after a few hours of stupid, repetitive training you want to do nothing more than rot in your bed, ignoring the pissed looks of your colleagues. just as you're about the exit the room, a hand shoots out to squeeze at your wrist, nearly dragging you backward from the unexpected force.

• a firm voice states your last name, and you instantly recognize it as your very upset boss. you swallow thickly and try to put on your best neutral expression as you turn to face him.

• "my office," he says, though it doesn't sound like a request and more like a command. "now."

[dailymanners]

Don't touch other people without their explicit knowledge and permission. When in doubt, always ask first. If someone says they don't want to be touched, respect this.

This is especially important when it comes to strangers and acquaintances, and especially in situations where there's a power dynamic, such as an adult asking before hugging a child, or even an older child such as an older sibling or older cousin asking before hugging or touching a younger child.

This is important for making the world a kinder place for those with trauma or neurodivergent people, because a lot of forms of trauma and neurodivergence make it extra disturbing and unpleasant to be touched without consent. Or even if someone isn't traumatized or neurodivergent, it's still fair to not want to be touched and to have that boundary respected.

It's also important for teaching kids boundaries and consent from a young age.

This applies to all situations, even situations many may think are an exception, such as if someone is pregnant. Often people will think it's acceptable to approach a pregnant stranger in public and just touch their stomach without permission. However, someone can be pregnant AND traumatized or neurodivergent. Or even if they're not traumatized or neurodivergent, it's still normal to find it uncomfortable for a total stranger to walk up to you in a grocery store and just put their hand on your stomach without asking. Contrary to popular belief, being pregnant doesn't make this any less weird.

Of course as you get to know someone you'll get more familial with what their boundaries are and how comfortable they are with being touched. But when in doubt, just ask.

[visualtaehyun]

I wanted to talk a bit about how our two sets of besties in Naughty Babe (and Cutie Pie) talk to each other because the interactions in episode 3 especially were so funny and I want everyone to understand the intricacies!

Disclaimer: not a native speaker of Thai, still learning 🙏

(Because they're all color-coded in the show, I shall use everyone's respective colors - Diao, Yi, Lian, Kuea)

Last week, I already talked about the scene wherein Yi asks what he usually calls Diao. The short answer: Yi calls himself เฮีย /hia/ (a polite pronoun for an older male, that's of Chinese origin and technically means older brother) and Diao he mostly calls น้องเดียว /nong Diao/ (น้อง /nong/ likewise refers to someone younger, technically meaning younger sibling). Here for example:

น้องเดียวป้อนข้าวเฮียหน่อยได้ไหม /nong diao bpawn khao hia noi dai mai/

Yi speaks differently with different people though!

Yi and Lian

They both use the rude informal pronouns กู /guu/ (= I) and มึง /mueng/ (= you) with each other. Hence why it was so funny that an amnesiac Yi proceeded to use the formal polite pronouns ผม /pom/ (= I) and คุณ /khun/ (= you) when Lian first entered his room, considering how he freaked out earlier and used rude pronouns with Diao (which I also talked about last week).

So this?

รักอี้น่ะ /rak Yi na/ อี้ก็รักเหลียนน่ะ /Yi gaw rak Lian na/

Referring to themselves and each other by their names is not just super cutesy but also wildly out of character for them. 😂 And it's also more sickenly sweet than how Diao and Kuea actually talk to each other!! So let's take a look at them.

Diao and Kuea

Diao calls himself by his own name, so mostly เดียว /Diao/, (which makes him sound cute) and he calls Yi เฮีย /hia/. In fact, he seems to refer to himself as such with basically everyone he's close to so also with Kuea and Yi's dad Makorn. He's a Sweet Polite Boy so he only adjusts his register and formality levels, depending on who he's speaking to. Talking to Yi, we can see him using the polite ending particle ครับ /khab/ and here for example he uses a more formal word for 'eat', ทาน /taan/.

วันนี้เฮียยังไม่ได้ทานอะไรเล้ยนะครับ /wan nee hia yang mai dai taan a rai loei na khap/

I've only noticed him switch to the polite, more formal pronoun ผม /pom/ (= I) with the guards so far (it's also less intimate-sounding than using his own name).

งั้นเดี๋ยว ผมไปปลุกให้นะครับ /ngan diao pom bpai bplook hai na khap/ (Don't let the romanization fool you, this diao means 'Wait a minute', it's not his name.)

Kuea is similar to Diao, in that he uses his own name เกื้อ /Kuea/ and more polite speech with elders or people he grew up with, like his parents, Lian, and Yi. With Diao (and all his other friends as well!) he uses กู /guu/ (= I) and มึง /mueng/ (= you). Diao continues to be a Sweet Polite Boy though, he just doesn't use rude pronouns! With Kuea he uses names, so เดียว /Diao/ for himself and เกื้อ /Kuea/ for Kuea.

รักเกื้อน่ะ /rak Kuea na/ กูก็รักมึงน่ะ /guu gaw rak mueng na/

See the difference between the besties and why that imaginary scene between Yi and Lian was especially funny?

There's one more thing though...

Yi and Kuea

Notice how they're both color-coded red on the show? Yeah. There's a reason why they butt heads. Of course they both love Diao dearly and are protective over him but Yi and Kuea also have similar personalities. Combine those two factors and you get pettiness and snark lol

In episode 1, during their phone call, we hear how they usually speak to each other. The same formula as between Yi&Diao and Lian&Kuea applies: เฮีย /hia/ and เกื้อ /Kuea/ in both directions and Kuea also uses more polite speech, as he's the younger one.

อะไรครับเฮีย /a rai khap hia/ เกื้อไม่รู้ /Kuea mai ruu/

That all goes out the window when Yi interrupts Diao and Kuea's dinner get-together though 😂

แล้วมึงเป็นใคร /laaeo mueng bpen khrai/ มึงทำอะไรกับน้องเดียว /mueng tam a rai gap nong diao/

Yi has now used มึง /mueng/ (= you) with both the besties, except he was actually still amnesiac when he did so with Diao. Now though? He's just intentionally being a dick lol. So how does Kuea react? He keeps speaking politely! Even going more polite and distant in parts of the scene, like Diao does with the guards, he suddenly switches to ผม /pom/ (= I) here:

I wanna highlight one more thing though that was already a joke in Cutie Pie. During the flashback scene at the bar/club(?), Kuea says:

ไอ้เฮีย [...] /ai hia/

ไอ้ /ai/ is often used in front of names or animal names to curse someone out. And the funny thing about the word เฮีย /hia/ is that it sounds close to the swear word เหี้ย /hia/ (one such animal word, it technically refers to a type of lizard). So ไอ้เฮีย /ai hia/ is just one tone change away from the way worse insult ไอ้เหี้ย /ai hia/.

Likewise- I'm gonna assume everyone's aware that in Cutie Pie, Lian starts the show calling Kuea หนูเกื้อ /noo Kuea/ (which is more a cute way to address a child but also stems from Kuea being from an aristocratic family so staff for example calls Kuea คุณหนู /knun noo/ = young master) but at some point Lian changes to calling Kuea just หนู /noo/ (which technically means mouse but in this case as a 2nd person pronoun is basically a term of endearment).

Now, the same word can also be patronizing. So instead of implying 'You're cute and tiny like a mouse', it can also be belittling. Combine that again with ไอ้ /ai/ and...

มึงพูดอะไรของมึง ไอ้หนู /mueng phuut a rai kawng mueng. ai noo/

Bonus round: the doggo

คุณหมาน้อง /khun maa nong/ = "Miss doggie/little dog!"

พี่เดียวสงสารเฮียจังเลยน้อง /phi Diao song saan hia jang loei Nong/ (Yes, this cutie calls himself พี่(เดียว) /phi (Diao)/ when talking to Nong. พี่ /phi/ is a polite pronoun for someone older, similarly to เฮีย /hia/ but not gendered, that technically means older sibling.)

ไอ้ตาโปน [...] มึง /ai dtaa bpohn [...] mueng/ = "Bulging-Eyes" (+ rude informal 2nd person pronoun) ถ้าแกอยู่ที่นี่ คนเดียวไปไหนไม่ได้ไกล /thaa gae yoo thee nee, Kondiao bpai nai mai dai glai/ (แก /gae/ is also an informal 2nd person pronoun but a lot less rude)

In conclusion:

Yi is a clown, Diao is everyone's favorite, and Kuea would fistfight anyone for his bestie. Oh, and I guess poor Lian is entangled in this mess too lol (watch him say 'I told you so' once Yi and Diao realize communication is key)

[cluescorner]

Tim Drake has a weird fucking function

The thing about Tim that I find unique is that his life became SO MUCH WORSE after joining the heroing thing. Everybody else had a mid-to-shit life before becoming a hero/living with Bruce and mostly everybody (except Jason who LITERALLY DIED) had their life improved by being a hero/being Bruce's kid (or at least it is typically portrayed as such.

Tim had the exact opposite trajectory. His life wasn't perfect before he became Robin, but like...multi-millionaire/billionaire (canon is unclear, but he's within Gotham's upper-strata) kid with both natural intelligence + charisma and a bright future ahead of him and parents who were emotionally neglectful but nothing really beyond that (which is also a form of trauma, but all of the info we have indicates that the Drakes were no Arthur Brown or David Cain) and he still had other people he could rely on outside of them. He went to boarding school, which could be something horrible OR something amazing depending on your own thoughts/experiences. I grew up having a commute where we'd drive past a really pretty and rich af boarding school that literally everybody in our area DREAMED of going to, so to me the idea of going to boarding school sounds incredible but mileage may vary. Tim seems like the type of kid who would thrive in that though. Based on what we know in canon atm, his pre-robin life was fucking amazing.

And then he starts being the sidekick and working towards becoming Robin. His parents immediately get kidnapped and poison themselves through drinking tainted water; his mom dies and his dad is in a coma. This is not the fault of Robin, but Tim himself muses about the idea that Robin and dead parents are linked: to become Robin completely, you must lose your parents. And with how fate/destiny/canon events can operate in comics universes, maybe he isn't that far off. Once his dad wakes up, their relationship becomes strained as the man grieves the loss of his wife and realizes that his son has been doing vigilantism as a hobby. It is unclear exactly how good of a parent Jack was before the incident, but the results of Tim's involvement with the Robin mantle has definitely made things worse between father and son. Jack will also die within quick succession of 2 of Tim's best friends, his girlfriend, and his other father. He will also effectively lose like 1/2 his loved ones in the fallout of all of that mess including: his older brother, his other friends (both civilian and superhero), and the stepmother with whom he shared what I would argue is his best parent-child relationship (Dana also may have died, but it's left unclear). He has stopped pursuing higher education (the moment he even applied for college he 'died', and it seems he hasn't made another attempt since) and if he wasn’t a major focus of the media before he sure is now. He tries to quit briefly (in fact he initially was planning on quitting once someone more suited came along) and cannot bring himself to do so. Even when he does manage to get away for a while, his superhero life impacts the pre-robin life he is trying to go back to. Leaving is an impossibility, this is all there is for him now. He also isn’t allowed to make mistakes anymore, not when lives hang in the balance. The one who enforces that impossible standard the most (besides Bruce depending on who's writing) is himself. He’s got TRAUMA now and people want to hurt him constantly. He is constantly questioning his own sanity and morality and place in the world. He almost dies like every month. Tim grows colder and less grounded, he is becoming both a better and a worse version of himself at the same time. He’s saving lives in the same few issues as he’s setting up a Saw movie plot for the man who killed his father. He is haunted by the ghosts of his past and the looming figure of his future. His life becomes SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE after he becomes Robin. Some of it is the fault of others, some is the fault of circumstance, and some of it is due to his own actions. But basically all of Tim's worst traumas and life-changing moments are either tied to or caused by Robin. Dick's parents would still be dead, Jason would still be living on the streets, Stephanie would still have Arthur Brown for a father and a lot of other things that deserve their own posts/IDK if they've been retconned, and Damian would still have been raised in the eco-cult where death is a constant. Those are life circumstances that occur without the involvement of Robin, the only one who even needs Bruce involved at all in their series of events is Damian. But Tim? All of what is considered his 'worst' moments occur after he assumes the role.

This idea is what I find the coolest and most fascinating about Tim as a character. Being a hero is usually portrayed as either an outright awesome thing or a righteous duty that one must fulfill or (maybe in a grimmer and/or more grounded story) a sacrifice to your interpersonal relationships/mental health that is made for the greater good. For Tim, being a superhero actively ruined his life (both because of the general circumstances surrounding being a kid vigilante and the choices he made as part of that role). It's never portrayed that way in canon because we need to come out of issues going 'wow being a superhero is so cool! I'm gonna buy the next issue!', but when you just look at Tim's life literally everything really bad that we know of occurred after he became Robin.

[furryllamas]

Can’t Help Falling in Love | A. Walter

+ Alex Walter x OC

+ Summary: Life has been difficult for sisters Jackie and Eden Howard. Obviously regular teenage girl problems, such as boys, school, and friends. Except tragedy that ensues, the death of their parents and older sister. They'll have to navigate a life without their family, just throw in love, the countryside, and a whole lot of boys in one roof.

+ Authors Note: Hey guys I really hope you enjoy this first chapter, I was really inspired after seeing Ashby play Alex and absolutely fell in love 🤍

 Chapter 0.0 | Two Time Zones Apart

The sound of LA traffic was not great, but it was definitely quieter than the sound of the streets of New York. It's only been 6 Months since I moved to LA semi-permanently. I still got homesick often but there was no place like California. Ever since the transition from being a model to a singer it was a choice I had to make, with mom and dads approval of course, even if it meant seeing Lucy and Jackie less.

"Oh Gosh. What time is it?" I grumbled as I rubbed my eyes. I looked towards my bedside table and picked up my phone. "10:30 AM" I removed the bed covers and stretched my arms over my head. The smell of my room always gave me some comfort in the mornings. I headed to the restroom and pulled my hair into a bun and turned the faucet on. I started washing my teeth when I heard my phone ringing. I ran back to my room to pick up my phone that was lying on the bed. A video call from Jackie. I quickly pick up the phone as I walk back to the bathroom.

"Juswt whun sewkand-" I attempted to say with the tooth brush still in my mouth. Jackie let out a quick laugh, "take your time Eid." I put my finger up, just one moment, and place the phone in front of the faucet handles, holding it up. I quickly rinse out the toothpaste and splashed my face with water to ensure I would fully wake myself up.

"Hi Jacks! How's it going?" I waved and picked up my phone.

"EDEN! It's going so well! I can't wait for you and Lucy to come home today! I missed you guys so much." Jackie smiled softly.

"Oh my, we haven't been away from you that longgggg" I teased as i sat down on my Vanity. I panned my phone to the stack of luggage by my window.

"Okay I know, BUT, I just missed you guys so much." She sighed. "It's been a month since I've seen you and Lucy. I'm just so excited for you to see my excellent work tonight."

"I know Jacks, My flight is at 2 so I'll probably be there by 7-ish." I start applying my makeup and look away from my phone. " and plus Lucy will be there sooner than me, so you'll get her while you wait for meeee."

She laughs, "Right, what would I do without your wisdom." She stays quiet for a couple of seconds, "How's your new song going?"

I wince, "It's going..." She looks at me confused. "I've just been lacking in inspiration lately. I'm hoping going home will help with that."

"I'm sure you'll get a spark of inspiration once you spend some good old fashioned time at the ballet with me."

"Thanks Jackie, I've missed you guys so much. I can't wait to get there tonight."

I stop to think. "Dinner at The Penrose?"

I look at her smile, "of course Eden! That's our spot."

"All right deal" I look at the time, 11:30AM, "All right sis, I have to head to the airport, see you soon!" I reach over to hang up, "wait! Remember mom and dad will pick you up later tonight so we can all go to dinner together."

"Okay, perfect! Bye Jacks, love you!"

"Bye Eids!" I hung up.

I start getting up and shutting the curtains. It might be a while until I'm back but I'd rather keep my room clean.

Ding Dong.

I head over to the front door that smells strongly of oak. Walking past the pictures I have hanging of Mom, Dad, Lucy, Jackie and I. I open the door and smile as I see the face of my amazing Manager, Lizzie. "Liz! Come to say goodbye to your favorite client." I giggled as she stepped in. "Excuse me! Not just my client, more like my favorite friend!" I hug her and drag her to my room.

"Oh gosh, look at all this baggage..." she exclaims standing in front of my suitcases. She reaches over and picks one up. "Alright Eden! Let's get moving and load these into the car, your driver is waiting."

I look over to her and smile, "You got it boss!" I salute. It was an easy load up and we wasted no time getting in the car. "Are you excited to see your family again?" Lizzie asked. "Yeah I'm a bit nervous though. I haven't seen them in a couple of months, I feel like I've missed out on a lot." It was hard being apart from them and not being able to see them as often as I used to.

Lizzie looks at me and smiles softly, her polished nails and her soft hands reach over to mine. She grabs them and turns to me. "E, you need this. You've been homesick for a while and I think this trip will help you with the new song." I lean my head back against the headrest and turn my face to look out of the window. "I know Liz." I turn back towards her. "Thank you for helping me today. It means a lot. I'll miss you lots."

She just smiles at me and I start feeling tired, car rides always seem to wear me out. I take one last look at the highway we're on and slowly close my eyes. I let sleep take over me and an oddly weird feeling at the pit of my stomach. I hear Liz whisper, "I'll wake you when we get there."

[milfandmoney]

Could I please request melissa with a female firefighter?? Please please I love your writing ✍️

melissa schemmenti x fem firefighter reader hcs

warnings: none apply? except for one sexually implicit sentence at the very end

notes: i know there's an episode with firefighters but i haven't watched it yet bc i can only watch the episodes on disney+ atm

it all started because came around the firehouse one weekend to offer your captain homemade cannoli as a way to thank him and the others for letting her climb the ladder and live her childhood dream.

you weren't there when they intervened at abbott; a dumb leg injury kept you stuck at the firehouse all the time until you were fully healed. which was the reason why you were one of the few firefighters still present at the firehouse when melissa came around.

once she saw you, she didn't really care about giving your captain the cannoli anymore. she was a lot more eager to ask you questions about what it's like being a female firefighter, and you were more than happy to answer—you'd heard from the guys that the redhead teacher from abbott was hot, but you hadn't expect melissa schemmenti to be drop dead gorgeous.

you gave her a tour of the firehouse that day, and sat at one of the tables upstairs to eat cannoli and talk with her. it was a nice break from the boredom of being forced to stay in while everyone could actually work. and melissa was cool. and hot.

after that, she came back pretty much every weekend to bring homemade italian snacks and various meals. she said it was because you'd mentioned that you'd never really had an opportunity to taste italian food that good and that she couldn't let that slide, and it was a chance for her to learn more about female firefighters.

you were surprised by how nice and soft she could be, in spite of the whole brash italian persona—it was really sweet. very attractive too, like everything else about her.

her regular visits became less about "thanking the local firefighters for everything they did" and more about spending time with you and feeding you her cooking. you obviously had no complaint. who would complain about a hot older woman wanting to spend time with them and feeding them delicious recipes? definitely not you.

if you flexed your bicep when she grabbed it after asking you if the job wasn't too physically exhausting, it was a total coincidence. you totally didn't want to impress her with your body and your strength. (she was impressed, and she told you so very openly.)

she started to invite you over to her place, instead of just going to the firehouse, and you knew that something was happening between the two of you. and it was just about her teaching you how to cook the best italian recipes or how your work life was. it was all about the two of you spending time together privately, away from your fellow firefighters—who never stopped to tease you about being around the milf from abbott all the time.

it didn't take long before the two of you started getting distracted by each other, really. you like to blame melissa for teasing you about your "so-called" strength (she knows you're strong, she just thinks it's fun to push you around.)

it reached a point where, to prove just how strong you were, you wrapped your arms around her waist and lifted her feet off the floor effortlessly. it happened more than once. and after a few times playing that game, she wrapped her legs around your hips—you pushed her back against a wall, and well, it was in that moment that you both realised things had shifted between the two of you.

melissa is now very vocal about how much she appreciates your physique. but well, she's pretty vocal with you in general, especially in bed.

[cbrownjc]

Oh! You reblogged my reblog of your reblog and added 'wonderful addition' in your tags! Thank you so much! You're one of my very iwtv and dm blogs, so I'm very excited that you thought so. You always have such great meta (and made me feel unalone in the 'Daniel was dying of AIDS when Armand turned him; I don't care what Anne says' camp.. Overdose deaths... don't go that slowly and nobody who was overdosing could be that coherent. Even the most high-functioning addict couldn't have told such cohesive story re: the twins. Not even with their minds. If you have taken that much, you are either passed out or the words coming out your mouth are incoherent *or* your delusions are literally delusional and they tend to be really on a few things. Daniel would not have able to collect his like that. He just wouldn't have been. I didn't pick any of this up when I first read it because I was about 14 and didn't anything about anything. I have since grown-up and gained life experience I wish I did not have. I hope I don't sound like I'm being flippant about this. Or that I'm oversharing. Because I'm not trying to be. As I said, I take this from my own life experience as someone watching what this kind of drug use looks like and how it usually concludes. It's also just something that *really* stood out to me when I reread the Devil's Minion chapter very recently. I sat there and said holy shit, this is AIDS, right? I mean, it doesn't specify anything except Daniel destroying his body and I'm like, okay, well long-term drug use does destroy your body, but it's not all at once like this. This is a metaphor, especially with all the sexual encounters Daniel was having especially in that specific time period. Obviously, the first thing I did was hunt down posts on tumblr to confirm my suspicions only to find that, according to Anne, it was not meant to be a metaphor for AIDS. It was drugs? So, I sat there and went nope, not really how long-term drug use go, definitely not how overdoses on hard drugs go. Anne, I do not think you have been in the presence of a serious addict while they are scary high or even around one for any length of time if you think this is how it goes. I also thought that if it was supposed to be an overdose, then 500ish years-old or not, it should have still affected Armand. A longterm hard drug user like Daniel would have to have taken a lot of something very strong, particularly if we're talking about the drugs readily available to addicts in the 80s. This is one of those things in the books that I reject their canon and insert my own when I think about it. There are a bunch of outstanding arguments for why Daniel was dying of AIDS and then there's Anne's own words that she meant for it to drugs and I just feel like this is one of those occasions where death of the author must be applied. At least for it to make sense in *my* brain.

I am so sorry I just filled your inbox with a wall of text only very tangentially related to the original topic, which was to say 'thank you' and 'yay, one my favorite blogs said this was nice and now I feel less like all my commentary is unhinged nonsense! :D' But a wall text that no one asked for came out. I'm so sorry.

Hi!

First of all, don't worry about the wall of text, it's fine. It's nice getting message from people who just enjoy what I have to say and just want to say thank you! I will never have a problem with that. 🙂

I don't know if you've checked out my tag on the subject of AIDS on my blog, but I have some older posts there that discuss my thoughts when I first read Queen of the Damned and how Daniel was dying in that book. And, to be fair, Daniel wasn't really dying of drugs there, it was cirrhosis of the liver from drinking too much. Which I'm sure Anne chose it because she'd had a history of alcoholism and so could write from experience about it.

But yeah, it's still an addiction he was dying of. Which, by the time I read the book in 1995 was rather jarring that it actually wasn't AIDS, as I said in this post here. I can understand why it wasn't (given when Rice was originally writing that book), but it just can't help but be jarring now, when you read that book after the 1980s I feel.

Given that the showrunner and writers are playwrights, however, I think they well know they can't do Daniel's story in this day and age now without mentioning the AIDS crisis and tying his character into it in some way. It would just ring hollow not to, IMO. And I think they know that given that AIDS-related issues were some of the very first images we see in the first episode of the show, as well as the book we know in-universe he wrote about it.

Anyway, yes I really liked your post, and again, no apologies needed for the length or anything, really! The fact that you see me as a favorite blog to read is so nice to hear! 🤗

[notesfromthepalace]

Don't Be Jenny from the BLOCK!

No tea no shade to Jen, that's my sister, I LOVE HER!

When I say "don't be Jenny from the block" - what I am referring to is dating someone from your neighborhood, your town, you high school, and if you've glowed up after college, I would say extend that to anyone you've met before the age of 23.

In the words of Joseline Hernandez (I'll explain why I love her in another post), don't be a "$2 hoe".

I repeat, DON'T BE A $2 HOE!

Now, let's get into some things.

You today, in your mid 20s, should be the best version of yourself:

The finest

Prettiest

Skin Glowing

Hair always done

Nails done

Just That Girl, Okay?!

Whether I am being casual or saditty, I am That Girl, ten toes down.

Do you know why I choose to show up as That Girl no matter what?

Because I remember when I was this girl:

Now, to be clear I have had NO cosmetic procedures. I just grew up, slimmed down, filled up in the right spots, figured out what to do with my hair and skin care, etc. There's really nothing wrong with me in the above photo except for how I felt about myself. I thought I was ugly so my confidence was low, and I did not think I was deserving of love or the finer things in life.

Naturally, the guys around me treated me how I felt about myself.

But when I believed that I was all that and a bag of chips, I definitely gave that in my aura and appearance, but I still entertained a childhood love. I don't doubt that he loved me but he treated me as the girl in the green dress and would get annoyed when I demanded better.

But you know what, it's not his fault. He was treating me like the $2 Hoe he meant in the sixth grade - and not because I was actually a $2 hoe, but when I use that term, I mean a person who feels like they are less then.

If he had met me today, he probably would have admired me from a distance because he would've knew he could not provide what I require. But because he met me in another life chilllllle, he thought yesterday's price was today's price, but it wasn't - hints why I finally dumped him.

Every person I met after the age of 23 is completely different from people I met in my adolescent years. This isn't tea or shade to my close girlfriends, but as you get older and your values change, you realize that the conversations you are having in new circles feels more natural because the older conversations are beneath you.

This whole $2 hoe thing applies not only to dating, but your friends and the conversations you entertain as well - it's like a frequency you admit, a low vibrational frequency.

For example: I have friends who still "roster date" - meaning they have a routine/rotation of men that they go out with - which is their prerogative. I am a happily monogamous woman who is on her way to engagement and soon there after, marriage.

mon amour

There are conversations that I don't want to have anymore. I don't want to hear how you feel played by the man you knew was married, or how John and Joe found out about each other, etc.

The conversations now should be about investing, skin care regiments and medical spa recommendations, marriage, children, family, whether to be a stay at home mom or to pursue careers, and how to go about being mothers, wives and financially comfortable, how to support our future husbands: these are the conversations that peak my interest.

I left the block about five years ago. Once in a blue, I go back home to visit family and get my hair done, but I don't make a big deal or announcement about my arrival because I am not trying to invite the rift raft that comes with it.

The block is no longer my Ohana.

I have created my own.

Sometimes leaving home and cutting off old friends and leaving romances from our early years sounds scary, but my dear, you will not regret it.

Now, my girlfriends that I have known for over 10+ years know I'm not talking about them because we all still talk. But is there some distance between some of my old girlfriends and I?

Absolutely.

And that's okay. You're real friends will understand that because we're all growing and changing. It's called evolution.

Evolve

Grow

Be that girl.

And if someone tries to make you feel bad for that, especially a man: unfollow, block, throw away everything that person gave to you, sever the soul tie.

As always ladies,

God is King

Be beautiful.

With love,

Sarah Chanel

[codenamesazanka]

All Might, who’s been sort of AFO’s counterpart for most of the series - his childhood flashback/backstory is so lovingly portrayed. Smiles and laughter, a picture book, a mom - his mom who had put aside her work so she can play with her kid, likely because he ran up to her and asked and she indulged him. Toshinori was so, so adored and cherished here, it's obvious to see, even if his family later died. This loving scene is the start of a path that lead to him wanting to be a Hero.

Meanwhile, we turn 180 degree to look at AFO. and you really can’t say anything about his childhood flashbacks/backstory other than “well, no wonder he turned out fucked”. which is not a new concept for the series, where we see again and again harsh, unsupportive enivornments (esp. ones that people are not saved from) contributes to them lashing out and going villain. I think this environment would count as one of them.

Except apparently we’re 100% not supposed to see this as part of that pattern? No, AFO was already bad before all of this, when he started out as a parasitic fetus. Everything that's framed here about AFO's story pointedly tells us not to sympathize - in fact, AFO is sorta responsible for his own condition, because he killed his mom by draining her life force, because he was conceived an arrogant baby, he was born believing the world belongs to him.

(Which personally I think sorta falls flat to declare when this baby literally has absolutely nothing in the world but his mom’s corpse and a little brother. The 'incarnation of greed' works when AFO grows up and does have wealth and power and five hundred orphan-minions and then still wants more; but for a newborn experiencing extreme deprivation, it's strange to say. Again, though, that doesn't apply here, because AFO sorta did this to himself in the womb. That he is on the streets during the meta-abilities apocalyse, looks to be portrayed as something he deserves, or at the very least the direct consequences of his actions. his unborn baby actions.)

idk. seeing these two backstories side-by-side makes me sad. One kid gets love; the other gets chewed on by rats five minutes after he was born (But Don't Worry Too Much Because He Has Only Himself To Blame).

(Oh, but what about Yoichi? The twin brother who was there in the womb with his parasite twin, there with the rats and the dead mom? He turned out good. He experienced the same extreme deprivation, in addition to abuse from his older brother, but he ended up good and kind and just. So Yoichi is not only a refutation to any excuses that AFO might get due to Awful Childhood, he sorta gives AFO negative sympathy points.

But I think that only works if they both started out similar and one rose above their shit situation, and the other, say, took the easy way out by succumbing to his worst instincts, then there's something there. Here, I don't think these aspects of Yoichi's character makes AFO's portrayal any less bizarre. I don't think it can, when the twins are 'basically normal kid' and 'Parasitic Fetal Incarnation of Evil Greed'.)

[marcusbrutus]

I feel like I have a tumblr anon in my brain…. Like a tiny cop. But it’s an chronically online anonymous weirdo. And every thought I have, I get “anons” telling me how it’s problematic and I should kill my self LOL The other morning I saw an RFK sign and I thought doesn’t he have brain worms, someone running for president shouldn't have brain worms. maybe apply for literally any other job. and the anon was like ummm ableist much? Like WHAT. I turned off anon on tumblr a while ago, so even if I post something “risky”, someone will have to tell me what they think to my face. They can’t hide. Even posts I think are innocuous can be wildly misinterpreted, and someone will probably call me problematic. But even if no one says anything, I still hear it. In my brain. Sometimes I delete things because the thought is so strong. I’m probably not gonna make it to any heaven or enlightenment because I can’t forgive yourfaveisproblematic. In my mind, Tumblr was great before then, or at least it felt that way, and that blog sewed the seeds for cancel culture in the future. That stuff sticks to my brain, even if I don’t want it too. When you put sins like "said disabled people shouldn't be alive" on the same level as "has a tattoo in a language they don't natively speak," it is very confusing to a people-pleasing undiagnosed autistic 14 year old. I felt/feel like I can’t like anyone or anything because it’s ~problematic~ I worry it will never go away, because it affected me in my developing years, 14-19 I want to get better, but it’s hard. I wish I could run from the internet, but I can’t. It’s a part of life now. It’s how we stay connected. But it’s also like…. Idk. The internet used to be my safe space, right? Deviantart. Early tumblr. Seeing weird people like me made me feel less alone. I was a weeb surrounded by “preps” for lack of a better word, not that I didn’t have friends but NONE of them were into what I was into, you know? And no one became as obsessive about things like books and anime like I did, except online. But now it’s like, idk, corruption of the garden of Eden. But instead of me eating the fruit, the garden/internet ate the fruit. The world is too different now… I can’t keep up. And it’s not just because I’m getting older. Things happen faster now. Trends will last half a year when in the past they would have lasted a decade. I hate knowing everything all of the time. I hate that my garden is now a cesspool.

I’m just angry that people on tumblr and lefty spaces online are so blind to their own propaganda, and calling it out is “hate.” Like idk, I guess I expected better from people who are supposed to be ~intellectuals~. Well, if YouTube video essays have taught me anything, style over substance goes a LONG way. And they’re like “oh we’re so compassionate and we want a better future” but they tell everyone to kill themselves and laugh when red states get devastated by natural disasters it's not just that but it's like…. if you're not constantly aware of everything, you're ~part ofthe problem~ #wakeupamerica. silence is violence, blah blah blah. it's just hard because i grew up with a strict dad so learned to be a people pleaser. i'm extremely sensitive to guilt and shame. and all most of the internet has done since 2014 is shame everyone for everything. you're either with Us (good, pure, morally righteous) or you're with Them (problematic, evil). you don't want to be gasp problematic, do you? you don't want to have a callout post made about you and lose all your friends, right? well, keep you nose clean and reblog all the right posts so we know which side you're on an maybe, maybe we'll leave you alone. i have the stress of someone in debt to a mob boss. nah it's more like… i have the stress of everyone in the scarlet letter and im hoping everyone will keep their eyes on the Villain of the Week and leave me alone there's a decent video called "how to radicalize a normie." i say decent because it treats radicalization like a right-wing only issue and the "answer" to right wing radicalization is, of course left wing radicalization. "Even though they're on the bad, evil side, there's still hope because we can get them to our good, morally righteous side!" That kinda bs, and I say bs not in a left vs right way. According to my dad I'm a full blown communist! I'm saying it in the sense that the answer to radicalization isn't "just radicalize them to the other side." That's not at all helpful. You might as well tell an alcoholic who likes jameson to just switch to jack daniels. It's all poison, it's all harmful. ANYWAY, he talks about how most people don't set out to be radicalized, the politics comes to them. That happened to me - but on the left. And I'm sure if I left a comment on his video saying as much, he'd say it didn't happen or say it was a good thing. On tumblr, I came for anime. And for the first year, I got anime. But then I got really intense political stuff. "silence is violence." "i see you not reblogging this." "if you're not angry, you're not paying attention." I was 14-15, sheltered as fuck, I don't know anything about the world but now tumblr is convincing me that I know more about political issues than anyone. And it changed me. And it fucked me up. and I want to get unfucked. But I don't know how. I feel like an internet alcoholic. Like, even if I do stop using it, it will still be there, haunting me, forever, you know? because all my friends use it, not just you guys but irl friends. and the internet is effecting the real world. I miss the days when there was the internet, then there was reality. but now the internet is the reality. That's why I also fell so hard for the [REDACTED] stuff. Tumblr made me think everyone was [REDACTED] because like 99% of tumblr is [REDACTED], and I was worried about it because god help you if you question anything or show the slightest bit of concern. God help you if you're not full steam ahead on everything. I want to escape the matrix. I hate the hypocrisy…. And I hate even more that I’m also a hypocrite. I fall for group think and propaganda but act like I’m above it all. I hate social media but use it every day. YouTube too. I guess that’s why I get so mad when I see them act like that. It reminds me of me. People think the consequences of social media on a teenage girl are like "omg I was feeling good about myself….. but then I saw a model on Instagram… alas. I will never be her. I weep."

But it's more like: Oh my gosh, I just saw a post asking for mutual aid (aka MONEY, BABY) and I scrolled past. What if they died because they couldn’t afford food because I didn’t reblog their post? But what if I DID reblog their post, but it was a scam, and I led my followers to give money to someone who didn’t need it instead of someone who did?

I was hoping to share more examples, but I'm worried someone will misinterpret, and even though anon is off, the anon in my brain is on. always. on. i keep going back to the internet because i keep expecting it to get good again… like how it was. for some reason, i can't accept that it will no longer be my safe space. i wish i had a massive angel to keep me out, or something. like the actual garden of eden. I have to accept that it will never get better. I have not only an addiction to the internet, but to the obsessive thoughts it brings. By wishing it will get better, and continuing to use it, I am chasing a dragon. That is to say, I'm hoping for the same feelings I got from initially using the internet. No one ever catches the dragon. anyway, if you read all that... thank you so much! i'm taking a break from the internet, until mid november at least. maybe by then, it will be better. or not. we'll see.

[myfairkatiecat]

Every line of “anti-hero” Taylor Swift applies to at least one Hawthorne.

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

Jameson, in every sense of these lyrics. He’s always up at night doing whatever he needs to do to not think about whatever it is he needs to avoid. He chases as much adrenaline as he needs to not feel terrible.

When my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people

I’ve ghosted stand there in the room

Grayson and Nash (Grayson bc he’s distant and Nash bc he’s avoidant)

I should not be left to my own devices

They come with prices and vices

I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)

Jameson, all the way. Also it’s possible that Xander feels this way, even though we all find his scheming quite endearing as he doesn’t seem as bent on self-destruction as Jameson

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving

Cause you got tired of my scheming (for the last time)

Grayson and Jameson bc Emily gave them issues

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me

At tea time everybody agrees

For Jameson this could be interpreted as him feeling like he’s seen as too “ordinary” by his grandfather compared to his brothers but also knowing full well the disapproval he gets for the things he does to NOT be ordinary.

For Grayson, it could mean that he knows he has to be better than all of his siblings bc everyone knows he’s inheriting it all one day (ha.) and feels like he never lives up to it.

For Nash this looks like being the one brother who was never as involved in their grandfathers games as his brothers and always was a little more distant for the family. While he WANTS to be distant, he probably feels very confronted every time he catches sight of his relatives, even if they aren’t thinking about it that way.

For Xander, this probably refers to how he’s the youngest and least serious of his brothers and probably felt inferior as a child despite the fact that he’s the smartest of all the Hawthorne brothers

I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Hm which Hawthorne brother will do literally anything except confront themselves and their own actions? Which Hawthorne would stare directly at the sun, but never really look at themselves? EVERY SINGLE ONE. It looks different for all of them—for Nash, it’s pretending his last name isn’t Hawthorne; for Grayson, it’s burying himself in pressure and stress and work; for Jameson, it’s living 2000 miles an hour; for Xander, who actually probably has less issues with this (he seems introspective to me), it’s always creating other things that do things and never really noticing himself doing things. I could even get into talking about Skye and Zara here if I wanted.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I’m a monster on the hill

To big to hang out slowly lurching towards your favorite city

Pierced through the heart but never killed

So, all four of them being extremely attractive means this can’t be taken the way it’s meant, but I imagine Nash probably has weird feelings about all his little siblings being around the same age and having all these shared experiences he is less familiar with.

Do you hear the covert narcissism disguised as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

Grayson, all the way. Especially after reading The Brothers Hawthorne. It’s part of what I love about his character. His internal monologue is “look at me being manipulative and asserting my power over everyone else” even when what he’s doing is perfectly fair (and sometimes when it absolutely isn’t). It’s almost like at some point, he was raised to take over his father’s business of being a billionaire who plays dirty and never learned any other way to be, and kind of hates that about himself.

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving

And life will lose all it’s meaning (for the last time)

Still Grayson and Jameson and still bc they have Emily Issues, but this version of the lyrics is how they would feel about losing Avery. Not, “she left bc she got tired of me” but “she’s gone and now everything is back to how it was when nothing meant anything”

(Chorus is the same)

I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money

She thinks I left them in the will

The family gathers round and reads it and then someone screams out

“She’s laughing up at us from hell”

I actually forgot this verse existed when I started making this post. But. This verse belongs to Tobias Hawthorne I. Duh. I guess this fits even better than I thought it did 😂 this is LITERALLY the plot of The Inheritance Games

I rest my case, “Anti-Hero” is the Hawthorne family anthem. Someone get all these boys therapy and happy endings 😭

[sugarywishes]

Extending on from my last question, what is the relationship between William & his kids after their deaths? You have said about how the kids judge Evan for instance, but not how himself feels about it. Furthermore, how do they feel about each other? Elizabeth especially, given Elizabeth using Micheal as a suit among other things...

Okay, so once again, I'm gonna put a header here so as not to make this a nightmare to scroll past 😭😭 here's your answer below!

Okay so after William's death, he indirectly placed himself in a dormant state, so in simplified terms, he was there, but it was kinda like he was in a coma in the suit. (I mean he was dead, it's just a little weird to explain. His ghost was sleeping I guess)

And the way spirits work in my mind, the longer the ghost stays on earth (and how old they were when they died), the less the ghost remembers of its original life. (The same logic also applies to the ghost kids, they don't remember their lives, but they remember how they die and their feelings/anger around it) Since William died a little after killing the kids (and since he was older than them) most of his memories have wasted away but a few fragments remained when he was Springtrap. Like he remembers he HAD a family since he slightly remembers Mike and Elizabeth. He doesn't fully remember Clara or Evan. So in his mind he started killing just for the fun of it. He also remembers Charlie and Henry but that's basically it.

Evan is kind of a strange case since he's the only one who mostly remembers his life and family (mostly because he had very strong feelings during and about his life in general) but he didn't get a chance to interact with his dead family since as I said in the previous post, Cassidy kept him in a dormant state. (And plus the rest of his family were in other places anyway!)

Elizabeth only remembers her dad and Mike. Clara doesn't really remember anything except William (aw man she didn't even recognize her son and daughter and they were right there!)

But going back to Elizabeth, her relationship with Mike is one of the few positive ones she had in general. So I think that explains why she helped him out in SL, but remember that Elizabeth became kinda crazy and vengeful after rotting away alone underground for a while. She was super desperate to get back outside and interact with *anyone*, so she figured having her big brother to go with her would help out in the long run (which is why she used him as a living suit and eventually discarded him, uh, nice sister-ing Liz...) I think she also used Mike as a way to try and find her dad again (since she probably didn't know he died)

I don't think I properly answered this question, but I'm still currently fleshing out my lore as much as I can currently. Hope this was legible at least! 😭😭

[jacksgreysays]

Bleak!primadonna AU brainrot continues (2024-04-04)

… I think I’m just becoming the blog of hyper-niche DoS future fic because… my brain… still rotting… from bleak!primadonna AU. At this point, I think there is no NOT!bleak primadonna AU, so maybe the bleakness doesn’t have to be specified anymore. The primadonna ‘verse, as it were….

ANYWAY, JUST BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW EXTERNAL WOMB STUFF (as originated by loveelemental and further developed by damnsmartblueboxes) AND HOW THE POLITICS OF THAT WOULD OR WOULDN’T AFFECT SOME THINGS.

Because, like, I try to adopt as much of DoS fanon as I can from other writers and I realized one that I have internalized but didn’t think to apply to the primadonna ‘verse is the idea that Hana Inuzuka is the next Inuzuka clan head and also she’s a lesbian and engaged to her partner (as per JohnBurtonLee’s I Got You which I, at this point, pretty much consider DoS beta canon in that it’s basically canon until very specifically said otherwise by Word of God)

Anyway, all that being said: whether or not the Inuzuka are matrilineal (as I headcanon for the Aburame) or they follow primogeniture regardless of the firstborn child’s gender, it would still fall to Hana to have an heir of her own. Which, you know, get a donor, etc etc. BUT, if they want the child to be as genetically close to a biological child from both of them as possible, either Kiba is the donor with Hana’s partner being the carrier—I’m going to call her Kaori for now—or if Kaori has male relatives (a brother, ideally) then Hana is the carrier.

But, what if Kaori’s family SUCKS? What if they’re ABSOLUTE ASSES? What if they’re homophobic bigots who don’t approve of the relationship, much less them having a child together? Hana and Kaori wouldn’t going to want their DNA anyway. (Sorry to give you a shit family Kaori, but you're marrying into a pretty cool one so... congrats?)

But then it’s also like… uh… Kiba is your annoying little brother who really didn’t believe we were engaged. Not out of bigotry or ill-intent, but it’s still annoying. And also, like, don’t really want to think about your little brother’s sperm.

What’s a wlw couple to do?

Because it’s not just about the gestation and carrying the baby to term, but the incompatibility of egg-egg or sperm-sperm conception.

But wait! Introducing the new HaruNara external conception and gestation machine(/seal?)! For the low low price of (I don’t know, the first generation may be free since it’s all prototype and experimental?) you and your partner(s) can have the biological child you’ve always wanted! No mess, no stress, no risk that an undercover agent from an enemy clan/village will steal your bloodlimit and/or extremely politically important heir! Highly trained and accredited experts of medicine and sealing will oversee the HaruNara process and your genetic material/future child will be fully protected by an elite team of Konoha’s powerful shinobi! We’ll help you make the family of your dreams! SIGN UP TODAY!

… if you didn’t read all of that in an infomercial voice, I messed up.

What I’m saying is, Hana and Kaori’s first child—who I am now calling Manako which means eyeball—was of the first generation of HaruNara babies (a process which I assume EXTREMELY involved Sakura, hence the name).

Keen-eyed readers may remember that I wanted Mimi Inuzuka to be a year above Shikadai, and that is still true. I’m just giving Mimi Inuzuka and older sister, because I want the sort of… bookend of Manako is of the first generation of HaruNara babies and Mimi is from the last generation of HaruNara babies (outside of the ANY clan alliance)

AND HERE’S WHERE THE POLITICS COMES IN! :D

Because the HaruNara requires a sealing master (from the Nara Sealing Research Group) AND a medic specifically trained under Sakura. Although there are ANY medics trained under Sakura, there aren’t any non-ANY sealing masters—except maybe TenTen—who are trained in the use of the seals and equipment, of which those would be proprietary Nara technology anyway.

… and even if TenTen COULD, I don’t think she necessarily WOULD because she is indebted/grateful to the Nara for even putting her name on the NaraTen seals (still industry leader, decades later) and giving her those royalties as opposed to just, like, a one time “consultant/independent contractor” fee and then goodbye forever. I think, even if she isn’t officially part of the Nara Sealing Research Group, she does get invited a lot or consults enough (with appropriate/fair payment or additional royalties) that she wouldn’t necessarily turn her back against them. And, like, look. Even if it was decades ago, she did love Shikamaru and they were friends even when they broke up, so she also grieves for him too. I don’t know her stance on, you know, straight up murder the councilors who ordered his assassination. But I can’t imagine she’d so fully turn against Shikako—who, again, was even more her friend than Shikamaru, and so ACTIVELY contributed to TenTen’s career success—that she would scab against the Nara clan and run half of the HaruNara technique on behalf of Konoha unless they SPECIFICALLY ORDERED HER TO.

BUT EVEN THEN, I have to imagine the number of times she must have had “don’t interfere with clan affairs” thrown in her face regarding the Hyuuga Caged Bird seal and now she can throw it back in Konoha’s face. But, like, in a plausible deniability sort of way.

All that being said: the ANY alliance may very well be keeping this technique to themselves and either separately contracting (with all profits going to ANY alliance only, rather than it being split with Konoha) or charging an EXORBITANT FEE to those who are trying to hire them via Konoha official paths.

Because, like. You can’t tell me the Kantokusha clan of Hidden Grass don’t have the village under their thumb. That’s why they were so desperate to get rid of Shikako, someone who had seemingly defeated their ultimate technique.

And while Konoha has other methods of income, older and more established than the HaruNara seals, you can’t tell me the ANY alliance wouldn’t be extremely pedantic and petty about proprietary clan techniques. Again, just pointing at the Hyuuga’s Caged Bird Seal.

Of course, the ANY alliance isn’t trying to make more enemies—if anything, they are trying to do the opposite, and woo other clans to their theoretical secession—so they’re not being extortionate about it. But they are making it clear that this is a clan/alliance technique, not a village technique.

To be clear, this switch from it being a Konoha service to an ANY clan specific service is because of The Incident—hence why Mimi is part of the last generation of Konoha serviced HaruNara babies--so it’s not as if the ANY alliance have been denying or overcharging the Inuzuka use of the HaruNara process. And also, it may very well be that Hana and Kaori have reached the number of children they want (unsure if it’s just her and Manako or if I want them to have a/multiple siblings in between) and it’s just coincidence that they bookend the window of time where the HaruNara process was a village service and not an ANY alliance service. BUT I just thought that would be an interesting way to frame the Inuzuka’s involvement/opinion on the Incident, especially since I am REALLY thinking about writing another Primadonna ‘verse segment and it involves Team Chiyako which has Mimi Inuzuka and the Branch Hyuuga teen that Shikadai has a crush on.

Anyways, how do you look at all of your beautiful, rambunctious children and not be extremely grateful to the person who literally made it possible for them to exist. And, you know, wouldn't any Inuzuka member also want to tear to pieces the people who try to harm their family? Considering I imagine if the Inuzuka clan had a motto it would be something like Honesty, Loyalty, Integrity, I can’t imagine those Hana's personal opinion would be would be too different from her Inuzuka clan's opinion (unlike Chiyako and Tsunade’s, lol)

The Inuzuka are not official allies with the Akimichi, Nara, Yamanaka. They are also not official allies with the Aburame and the Hyuuga even though members of their clans get put on the same teams often due to synergistic abilities. I don’t know who they are official allies with, but we do know that they joined Konoha at roughly the same time as the other clans and have since been a pillar member of the village.

So the question then becomes: does the fact that their current clan heiress (Manako) and her sibling(s) exist because of Shikako Nara outweigh the generations of loyalty to Konoha?

Here’s where I thread this needle: I don’t think they would secede… but I do think they would gladly support a different Hokage and are fully in favor of Naruto stepping down. I think, if they have clan vows the same way the ANY alliance does, that Hana (with approval from Tsume and whatever elders or equivalent thereof that the Inuzuka clan has) changed them before Manako and her sibling(s) became genin and would have to say them.

I think Manako might not even be on a jounin led tead. I think Manako probably went from the Academy, then straight back to specialized Inuzuka clan training, both because she is heiress and also so that she wouldn’t necessarily have to swear oaths of loyalty to the village over her clan or to the current Hokage in particular.

Which makes Mimi’s placement on Team Chiyako interesting if she is the only one of her siblings(? Although, it could just be her and Manako) who didn’t get recalled back to clan training after the Academy. What oaths did she make? Are the Inuzuka very deliberate in their wording of loyalty to the village (but not the Hokage?) in protecting the people, but not the administration.

I think, if the Inuzuka can’t make Shikako Hokage (and if this WERE closer in time to the Incident, they probably would have voted a no-confidence in Naruto, had that been a route available to them) then they are part of the group who either want Kakashi back in power (even though he very much DOES NOT WANT) or are of the belief that if they can’t have a Hokage they can be loyal to, they will either FIND or MAKE a Hokage they can be loyal to.

By which I mean: if I’m already playing the next generation parallel game, not only is Mimi Inuzuka the kunoichi on a team one year older than Shikadai, she also, like TenTen, wants to be like Tsunade. But, unlike TenTen, its not because of healing, it’s because she’s a female Hokage and Mimi is going to be the next one if she has any say over it.

Basically, EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF THIS GENERATION WITH ANY POWER/POLITICAL AMBITIONS WHATSOEVER IS GUNNING FOR THAT HOKAGE SPOT. Because if they don’t, Konoha may very well split in half.

I do think the most “healing” of the candidates is Shikadai, given it is a rift between Konoha and the Nara specifically, but hell… at this point, anyone else might be enough to get the ANY alliance to stay. Sarada who, even if she is still genetically a Sakura-Sasuke child, would have been raised by Sakura-Ino-Sai is arguably part of the ANY alliance… maybe?

I DIDN’T GET INTO WHAT THE HARUNARA CONCEPTION AND GESTATION MACHINE(/SEAL?) WOULD MEAN FOR THE UCHIHA REPOPULATION PROGRAM.

Because. Almost all of those Uchiha repopulation program kids I made are of age or younger than Shikadai. (Sakako doesn’t exist in primadonna ‘verse, sorry. Add another check in the bleakness column.) So either, they ARE using the HaruNara machine(/seal?) as an officially allied clan of the ANY clans (ANUY alliance? Hm… I don’t like that) OR it is one of the only Konoha official usage of it post The Incident—by which I mean, Konoha is subsidizing some/most of the exorbitant costs so that the Uchiha DON’T officially join the ANY alliance—OR… they aren’t using it and they’re just going old fashioned surrogacy (as it was originally written) but you HAVE to imagine that absolutely frustrates whoever is in charge of the program (probably Sakura, let’s be real) because there is this method to make the program so much more efficient if it weren’t for FUCKING POLITICS and it HAS HER NAME ON IT.

Oof. Yikes.

Anyway, sorry I went on a tangent. Many people are gunning for that Hokage spot, Mimi Inuzuka included. I think she was deliberately put on a jounin led team because Hana or Manako could smell/see the way the winds were blowing in Konoha. The Aburame heiress/future head as well as a Branch Hyuuga representative being on the same team—those two (and maybe the Uchiha, gotta figure that out) being the most likely to join the ANY alliance in secession—would need a stronger tether back to Konoha. And while the Inuzuka may have self-isolated a bit due to lack of faith in the Hokage, they are still loyal to the village as a whole. And then their third teammate is a Kurama because I’m already playing the next generation parallel game, so I needed a genjutsu user. BUT I have also made their abilities synergize, so this team does make sense functionally as well as, uh, metaphorically? Politically :D

FINAL TANGENT before I let this brainrot go, 1) Kareru Uzumaki definitely exists in this ‘verse because 2) the first generation of HaruNara babies are younger than him because the techniques didn’t fully gel together UNTIL Shikako discovered the seal he was in so 3) AT MOST there is eight years difference between the oldest of the HaruNara babies and Shikadai’s year, and I don’t even think that much but I can’t be bothered to do math right now.

Hopefully this rambling around will lead to an actual legible ficlet. If you made it this far, sorry for this disaster of a post.

[piromantic]

gender rambling

this isn't about how i feel on the inside or trying to sort out any of that stuff. the older i get the less i care about applying the gender dichotomy to my own feelings or trying to describe myself within this framework that doesn't really mean anything, like i'm myself and i'm good with that

however. we live in a society.

ngl for this being the 'burnt out gifted kid transgender' website i've never actually seen any discussions about gender within competitive academic settings. i've seen some mentions of how toxic masculinity presents differently in nerd spaces, but still permeates it just as much as any other space. but it took like, so fucking long to even recognize it in my own life, let alone unravel how it affected me.

i sometimes play video games with a group of guys from my major and for the last year and a half i was The Team Carry because i had a few hundred extra hours of practice on them. they're all nearly caught up to my level now, and even though they're all the pretty typical 'woo feminism' cis men and have never said anything towards me that was weird or discriminatory, i've started to feel afraid that i'm going to be mentally demoted in their minds as soon as i lose the status of 'carry'. which is irrational, but as i started dissecting where this fear came from it started unraveling like years of my life

it sounds absolutely ridiculous when typed out, but when i'm in my own head i keep going in circles of 'am i, personally, going to lead to the downfall of feminism by not being a woman'.

because i am studying in a field where there aren't many women in general, let alone visibly queer people. things have gotten better for sure but i have literally been in a class where i was the only person who wasn't a cis man in the whole room. so i'm viewed as someone setting an example and paving the way just by existing, which feels like i'm just pulling off a giant deception on people who see me as a sign of community, which feels awful.

but also, i think i became aware of this on a subconscious level YEARS before i realized it outright. like i think about this reaction i have to video games and it takes me all the way back to fourth grade, when i realized that girls were never going to accept me, but if i was mean and smart and loud about it, boys might. so i got really into the Act Of Appearing Smart, which manifested as just being... ridiculously competitive. oh i know more digits of pi than you. oh i can recite more of the periodic table faster than you. oh i can do integrals in my head faster than you. etc etc ad infinitum

when i think back, so much of my life was spent trying to like, win scraps of gender euphoria through 'proving' myself in the academic system. and like. ???? playing the misogyny game is still misogyny. i look back and wonder whether i had a missed opportunity to make these spaces better if i had just pushed back on them a bit more, and whether i was just perpetuating them by being like 'hey guys, no need to stop the toxic masculinity! i'm a girl, and i can succeed in here, so girls who don't succeed just aren't trying hard enough!'

or, put slightly differently: was i just perpetuating the idea that the only way to succeed in these systems was to be masculine.

over time i found that the way boys (and men, now) signify that i've succeeded is to allow me to be in their spaces. guys will tell me about the girls they find hot, forgetting that it's not socially acceptable for me to agree. guys will drop the use of female pronouns when i'm in the group, slotting me under 'boys' or 'king' like the rest of their friends instead of making exceptions. and it's like. if i was a woman i wouldn't let this happen, and i know they would respect that.

BUT I'M NOT A WOMAN. and these things are affirming, but i feel terrible for finding affirmation in them, because they weren't meant that way.

(and i can hear my mother's voice in my head like 'you're not trans, you just want male privilege', and no, i really don't think that's it. i had a friend that used to say misogynistic shit to be edgy when we were in like, elementary-middle school, and i always shut that down immediately. but it never felt like i was defending myself as part of that group. i've just always felt a bit of distance there)

i guess the issue i've been trying to articulate is that things are fine on the surface, but the context for them isn't. if people were treating me the exact same way because i came out to them, i wouldn't feel bad. but i'm a coward and i hate coming out because it usually goes badly for me, and i'd also feel bad about coming out in my area of study specifically because i'm already in the minority right now. (and i don't think it would go over very well, despite diversity trainings and whatever getting more popular.) like i don't want to be the SINGLE they/them in my entire department. that's too much stress for me.

and i have this fear that it would just come across as becoming a stereotype, or being misogynistic. like ohhhh you think you're a man because women can't do math or something. <- insane thing to worry about

idk i need to stop stalling and finish my conference presentation already. if you read this far idk why you would but thanks for making it through all that