#fact actually kill me; i also may die of stress during either process but. who's to say

[kcatta-wodahs]

MC Who Does Not Fear Death x OM! Demon Brothers

Or maiming, or apparently any other consequences. You’ve walked into this situation with absolutely no filter and no fear. Time to tear down every structure of Devildom society.

Lucifer

You look at him with a withering stare when he tries to intimidate you into behaving.

“I was summoned out of my trashy apartment to this place, where literally anyone could snap me like a twig on accident. I’m just working on the assumption that I’m already dead.”

He sternly looks at you. “You’re under my protection during your time here. No harm will come to you.”

You snort derisively, which visibly irritates him. “Don’t worry about it. I won’t come back to haunt you if it happens.”

As you continue through your life in Devildom he keeps calling you out for meddling and all that, like usual, and he HATES that you literally *do not care* when he threatens you.

Like HE knows that he wouldn’t hurt Diavolo’s transfer student but YOU are supposed to be AFRAID of him dammit.

His frustration at this ends up turning into a form of respect. You’re about the only person who will stand up to him, and tbh like you’re so fucking fragile but you’ll yell at him all day? That takes guts. Annoying guts. But you’ve got guts.

But also STOP IT. He has enough stress in his life and now he’s constantly terrified that you’ve decided it’s a great idea to adopt a baby balrog

Which you did once. He’s just afraid that “Flamin Hot Cheeto” is going to come back since you somehow managed to imprint on it.

despite the fact that the BABY could easily tear your arms off on accident

Not to mention he gets the flack for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these following stories. You stress him out so much. Please. Please, stop. 

He’s almost to the point of begging. The Avatar of Pride is three steps away from either locking you away for the rest of the year or begging on his knees for you to calm down. 

 But you know you’d find a way out if he locked you up so no worries. It’ll be a good challenge.

Mammon

“Well you WON’T be dead because it’s my job to protect you! Are you doubting the Great Mammon?!”

Stupid human. Yeah, you’re fragile and weak, but that’s why HE’S your bodyguard now, and there’s no way in hell (lol) that he would let you die on his watch.

Lucifer would kill him.

You welcome the challenge, and he thinks it’s funny at first but quickly becomes a flustered mother hen.

“NO, we are NOT going out to Madam Scream’s at 3am! Do ya know what kinda CREEPS are out there at 3am?!”

And you sneak out the fucking window.

He has had more heart attacks in the past week than he has had in the last 100 years of life.

He starts agreeing to your ridiculous adventures JUST because then he can actually keep an eye on you. 

He adores the chaos of the laugh that bursts from you every time you narrowly escape death. 

He HATES how often you have to NARROWLY ESCAPE DEATH. So he will never tell you.

He almost doesn’t have time for his own shenanigans anymore, because all his time is taken up by trying to make sure you stay alive.

And you’ve figured out that if you turn *any* of your ideas into a money-making one, he will join you whole-heartedly.

So you bribe him because what’s money to you anymore anyway?

Leviathan

I mean he doesn’t leave his room much, so tbh he probably just gets texts from you that make him want to scream.

‘hey uh levi say if someone were to hypothetically be stuck in a succubus’ devil basement to become an unwilling sacrifice to asmo what would that person, hypothetically, do?’

‘probably die’ is usually all he sends back

You always come back, because he always sends a text to the other brothers. In that case Asmo came to rescue you himself and scold the succubus.

You become the friend that he makes funny throwing-shade reddit posts about. (Devvit? Devil reddit? Eh??)

‘Levi so this has nothing to do with anything but is there a cure for a dangerously potent ‘always win at rock-paper-scissors' curse? Asking for a friend’

‘Friend is being held hostage tho so maybe be quick about a response’

He didn’t even know that kind of curse existed. None of them did. What the fuck did you do.

How did you get taken captive by playing rock paper scissors?

He doesn’t know. Nobody does. He expects the play-by-play so he can recommend it as a new anime to his favorite producers. 

Somehow your chaotic plans end up with stories almost as great as TSL. 

Beelzebub

He physically carries you around.

He’s like “fuck this you can’t get into trouble if I’m holding you.”

If Beel’s on MC watching duty, he’s almost the only one who is successful, just because you physically cannot get away. 

But at the same time, he is very easily bribed. 

So yes, he’ll go to Madam Scream’s with you at 3am. Sounds like fun.

But he is very protective after losing someone he cares about (who you remind him of so much….) so he keeps you close when you’re out and about too.

If you start getting into a fight with some other demon he literally just takes the fight for you and wins with no trouble at all.

You like having Beel with you.

Especially finding street festivals! You’re in a whole new world and there’s a MILLION things to try. Beel is more than happy to try them with you.

But that leads to arguments about whether deadly creatures to humans are still deadly when dead. 

“No, you can’t eat that it’s on fire. I know even small fires hurt humans. I’ll eat it for you.”

“That hot sauce makes every demon I know cry. You really shouldn’t buy a bottle. Please. No, don’t try it. No, that’s too much for one-- oh. Oh no.”

He forgives you as long as you don’t actually get hurt and you give him your leftovers.

Asmodeus

“If I get wrinkles because of you I promise you will never hear the end of it. I will curse you forever.”

He swears on every single one of his lovers that you have started giving him grey hairs.

GREY HAIRS, MC.

Why can’t you just settle down and let them all take care of you? You don’t have to prove anything to the other demons!

But you will. You’re living in Devildom now, and by everything unholy, you are going to live that life to its fullest extent.

He was thrilled at first when you were all for joining him at his nightclubs and parties. Now he hides every party’s date from you.

That time you almost threw yourself off a balcony to try and emulate a very drunk demon’s newest dance move.

“I need to stay TRENDY, Asmo!! I’ll be fine!!”

Ever since learning Demonus doesn’t affect humans you have challenged every single stuck-up tough boy to a drinking contest.

And every single time you win, Asmo has had to *narrowly* save you from being killed by said demon.

And you just say “he deserved it” every time.

And like, yeah okay, he probably did but YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE.

Somehow, you manage to out-party Asmo.

dON’T TELL THE OTHERS but he lives for the times when you practically fall asleep on his shoulder while coming home from a rager. You may not get drunk, but when you’re sleepy, you’re so affectionate and something in his heart melts.

Satan

At first, Satan was all for the rebellious “life life with no restraints” thought process you explained to him.

I mean, he didn’t like the assumption that he and his brothers couldn’t control themselves to not accidentally kill you, but also… fair.

But he didn’t realize that this mindset followed through for EVERY demon in ANY place.

Including RAD, where old and wizened demons were *really* not used to being contradicted

Which led to you “accidentally insulting” your 5000 year old Human Studies professor by giving them a pop quiz on current memes (which they failed).

And left Satan as the one who had to make sure that said professor didn’t kill you. 

And the thing is, this keeps happening.

You’ve written all over the school’s library books, pointing out every error.

You *continue* to argue with the demons who threaten to kill you when you say silly things like “No, Solomon did not learn his sorcery at Hogwarts because Hogwarts isn’t REAL.”

(Solomon, meanwhile, refutes you vehemently and seems to grow three inches taller every time you glare at him.)

Satan assures you that he values knowledge and truth and all that, but could you maybe find a less dangerous way to push it?

No can do, Satan, because you already had plans with Mammon to use a curse that writes the history of the actual Sorceric Academy that Solomon attended like 400 years all over the desks in Human Studies. It’s activated by anyone saying “Hogwarts”. 

No, no, Satan, it’s brilliant, because you can’t do magic. It can’t be you who did it.

Satan, no don’t tell Lucifer.

I thought you hated him. Satan, wait. 

You are the only person in the history of ever who convinces him to come to Lucifer for intervention. You wear that badge with pride and also deep, deep, bitter sadness. 

Belphegor

Like, through the plot your willingness to be a thorn in anyone’s side just to get more information really works for Belphie.

He’s like all I gotta do is ask? Sweet. Yeah. Go, human.

But then when he’s all big and threatening and “im gonna kill you” and you just kind of look at him and nod like “yeah, this checks out.” 

Frankly, that’s rude, MC. 

And then he keeps threatening to kill you and it doesn’t even PHASE you like. You just keep listening to him rant and going “OH i think i get it now”

He liked that you were always looking for more information when he was the one pushing you around, but now?

No. Human, he is going to KILL you here, STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

And then you do the time-travel bit, and see that he *literally has killed you in one timeline* and you just like

Shrug it off and keep talking about Lilith???????

Tbh what probably stopped him from doing it again is just that you’re fucking insane, MC 

“MC, you literally just saw yourself dead in Mammon’s arms”

You wave your hand vaguely in his direction and say, “Yeah okay, but can we talk about the lack of communication in this household because it is tearing this family apart.”

What the fuck MC

When he’s back to normal, tbh he loves that side of you. He loves getting into shit when he’s not sleeping. He will 100% encourage you and be there to make sure that you *don’t* actually die again.

He’s the only one who doesn’t actually try to stop you. Who knew he was so into chaos.

But if you try to drag him to a plan when he should be sleeping he will be like Beel and literally just hold you down while he naps dammit. You brought this on yourself. He needs sleep.

[lixis-sin-cauldron]

The Princess and The Hawk [Hawks | Keigo Takami] Pt. 1

Part Two: Available Here Rating: Explicit  18+ content MINORS DNI. Pairing:  Keigo Takami (Hawks) X fem!reader Word Count: 6.9k Kinks and Warnings: Animal Violence, Blood

Summary: A dull routine, every day like the last. You're comfortable, if a little lonely. Who knew a simple walk home could change so much? Can also be read on Ao3 here: The Princess and The Hawk Big thank you to my lovely beta reader @lilleeboi 

Passing through the park to get home after work was your main way to de-stress after dealing with customers all day, the time of day left the area fairly empty and the fall air carried the wonderful scents of the season that wafted through the trees and flowers. Normally, it was the most calming part of your day. Normally.

Today, you were startled out of your calm daze by the screeching and hissing of two animals going at each other. Your eyes snapped toward the source of the noise, a twisting ball of fur a few meters ahead, beside the park walkway. Correction: a twisting ball of fur and feathers.

A large grey tabby had somehow been able to snag a very large brown bird that was currently doing its best to fend the feline off as it tried going for the bird’s throat, its talons pushing against the cat’s stomach, a smear of red in the fur where it pressed.

Nature is intense, you thought.

You knew better than to interrupt, they were both wild animals, predators that killed to feed and survive, you had no right to push your human views onto the fight. Wanting to return to your calm mindset, you hurried by the unsettling sight, willing your shaky legs forward. You didn't want to think of the fate that awaited the loser.

As the scuffle disappeared out of sight behind you, you heard a hoarse squawk that felt as if it was directed at you. Involuntarily, you turned to see the cat had gained the upper hand. It had pinned the bird on its stomach and was about to clamp down its jaw on the nape of its neck in a killing blow.

Your eyes met the bird’s, a striking golden-brown, and it seemed to be crying for help with its stare.

Forgoing your previous judgment – unable to ignore the desperate plea – you rushed towards the pair, slipped your purse off, and swung it with full force. It connected cleanly against the tabby just before it was able to land its killing blow. It tumbled backward, and after rolling for a moment, righted itself and turned towards you and its stolen prey. It stared you down, hissing deeply, then wincing. It let loose another deep hiss before retreating.

Heart pounding, you took a deep breath and looked at the bird that you had saved, almost positive it wouldn’t be there – having flown off when it was freed. However, there it remained, resting in the grass, its chest heaving just like yours.

“Oh geez,” Taking to your knees you hovered hands over the wounded avian, unsure of what to do. “Please don’t die.”

The bird shifted, trying to stand and move its wings, as if in response to your plea to prove it was fine. However, as it stretched its left-wing it flinched, wobbled for a moment, and collapsed back to the dirt.

You whimpered, unsure of what to do. It was clearly hurt, if you left it alone there was a good chance it would be attacked again or just die of its wounds anyway.

Ugh, why did I do that? There was no point in intervening, it’s going to die either way.

The bird still heaved, giving you a sideways stare. It seemed to study you with its gaze and tried moving again, letting out a cry as it did. Your heart gave a pang at the sight; it clearly wanted to live. How could you just leave it after stepping in?

“Do-don’t move,” you stuttered, reaching forward, “I’ll bring you to a vet, they’ll help you.”

Surprisingly, the bird gave no resistance to your touch. When you found trouble grasping it, especially while trying not to hurt it in the process, you peeled off your light jacket and gently wrapped the fowl in that. Once sure you had a hold that didn’t cause further damage, you raced off in the direction of the nearest animal clinic you could find.

“He’s pretty beat up, but nothing life-threatening,” The Veterinary nurse explained, softly running a thumb over the bird’s crown, its plumage fluttering at the touch. “We cleaned the cuts and the left-wing has a small hairline fracture. It’s been properly set but will need at least 2 to 3 weeks to fully heal, so we wrapped the wing so it can’t move. You’ll need to-”

“Wait, me? Why do I have to?” you were glad to hear the animal would be okay, but you were alarmed to hear they expect you to take care of it.

They looked at you in surprise, “Isn’t he yours?”

“No!” You waved your hands frantically, “I found it being attacked and just… stepped in. I don’t even know what breed it- err, he is. Let alone how to care for him.”

“That’s surprising, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of an exotic bird just randomly being found like that.”

“Exotic?”

“Yes, this handsome man is a Red-Tailed Hawk. They’re a North American bird. For it to be in Japan that means it was brought here and must have an owner, so I just assumed that was you.”

“O-oh.” You can’t say you were that surprised at the revelation, you had never seen a bird that looked like the hawk. A closer examination showed that it wasn’t just brown, but a beautiful mix of dark brown, white, and tan. Along with strikingly red tail feathers that you had been sure at the time was blood.

“This one seems very special too, normally the tail feathers are more of a cinnamon-red.” The nurse provided, seeming to have followed your thought process, “He’s very well cared for and in amazing shape, aside from the scuffle. If he hadn’t been grounded due to the wing, I doubt that cat would have ever touched him or stood a chance if it had been able to.”

“The cat didn’t do that?”

“The fracture is very clean; an animal’s bite would have crushed the bone.”

“Oh, that’s good… I guess?” you studied the hawk, resting in a box filled with a plush towel that the clinic had provided, he was perfectly calm under the expert’s touch. You were sure the calm state was in part of the fact he was full of painkillers at the moment, but you had an urge to follow the example and pet the resting creature yourself. You held back though, instead returning to your original topic, “Uh, as I said, he’s not mine so are… you guys able to take him since he’s a lost pet?”

Their strokes of the feather head ceased, instead rising up to scratch their forehead, “Sometimes we do that, sure, but right now we’re a little full plus it normally best for a bird sanctuary to take them but in this case….”

 “In this case…?”

“They’re trained and equipped to handle local wildlife and such. With this being an exotic breed, they wouldn’t take it in due to the trouble it could cause.”

“So… what does that mean for him? You said it would take a few weeks for the wing to heal, so he can’t fly and as a pet, he may not survive even if he could fly.” You had an idea of where the conversation was heading but you really hoped you were wrong.

“There are a few places I could check to see if they could take him in while they searched for the owner, but with how late it is I’d have to wait until tomorrow to contact them and they may not be able to take him right away even if they could…”

You sighed, “Would it be… hard to take care of him for a few days?”

The nurse beamed, happy to hear you volunteering, “Given his condition, no, not really,” They picked up a bag that had been sitting on the table beside the bird’s box and pulled out the contents. “The pain medication would keep him mellow for the most part, so even if he wasn’t such a gentleman,” They preened at the bird, commenting on how composed he had been during the whole ordeal. “You wouldn’t have much trouble handling him. You just need to apply this one orally every twice a day and this one on the cuts—”

You struggled into your apartment, the box in your arms, and your keys fighting for dominance as you unlocked the door. The keys lost and fumbled to the ground as the door teetered open.

“Fuckbucket," you cursed.

Leaving them on the ground, you carried the precious cargo past your couch and to the dining room table at the far edge of the small apartment and set it down as carefully as possible. The hawk had fallen asleep during your travel home and you were very keen to keep it that way.

After ensuring he wasn’t going to wake, you returned to the entrance and retrieved your keys as well as the shopping bag that rested next to the doorway.

While the clinic had been happy to give advice on how to care for the bird, and even charging just the cost of the visit and nothing else – you’d still had to call a ride-share to take the bird home and even stop at a pet store to purchase things to help care for him. Since it wasn’t like you actually owned anything to use while he lived with you.

A big piece of advice to make a safe space for the hawk to rest since you wouldn’t have a cage to place it in, free-roaming was the preferred option if it felt well enough to move around. They also provided a contact line to call if he suddenly became violent. While the wounded wing was wrapped, he couldn’t fly but the talons and beak could still cause damage if you weren’t careful. They would contact you as well once they had a place for him to go while the owner was being looked for.

Stretching with an exhausted sigh, your gaze returned to the box and found the hawk now awake and his head now resting on the edge watching you with glazed eyes.

“Uh, hi,” You blinked, wondering why you had just greeted an animal. Though he definitely didn’t feel like an animal when you locked eyes with him. You had a disconcerting feeling when he looked at you like he was analyzing you.

He let out a weak squawk in reply to the greeting.

“Right…” you decided to just go with it, picking up the purchased items you approached the table cautiously and started setting up an area next to the box with feed and water, “So, you’ll be staying with me for a bit, just while you heal and we find your home.”

He ruffled his feathers as the word ‘home’. You weren’t sure how to take that if it even meant anything to start with.

“So, if you can… I don’t know, not cause too much trouble, that would be great. Think you can do that for me, buddy?” You asked, holding out a hesitant hand to him, curled so the back of your fingers were present.

He stared at the extended appendage and you were sure he was going to bite you, but he leaned forward and rubbed his cheek against your knuckles.

Your heart fluttered, a smile blossoming across your face at the sight. He suddenly seemed a lot less frightening to you; realizing that he was tired and sore, and maybe even thankful to have a safe place after what he had experienced.

He withdrew his touch and curled in the box, head under his free wing and only a moment later, gentle snoring could be heard."

Wish I could fall asleep that fast. You snorted, laughing at the idea of envying a drugged-up fowl.

The concept of sleep did appeal very strongly after the evening you’d had; so, you ate a quick dinner, showered, and slipped into your bed, leaving the door ajar in case you needed to access the living/dining space quickly.

Your oversized t-shirt hung off your shoulder loosely, your underwear peeking out from underneath as your arms stretched above your head while walking into your tiny kitchen. After withdrawing a bottle of water from the fridge, you lazily looked around your home as you sipped it. You sputtered as your eyes fell upon the box resting on the table, coughing harshly as you forced the water from your lungs, having forgotten the previous day’s events in your sleepy state.

The box was tipped over sideways, the towel in a bundle on the table.

“No, no, no,” you chanted, rushing over and looking around for the wounded animal, “Where-” the words caught as the towel squirmed, the dark brown hawk head popping out from beneath it. “Oh, thank god.”

You were wide awake now.

“You scared the living hell out of me, buddy,” you reached forward and ran a knuckle across his crown, enjoying the softness. You leaned over, reaching eye level with him, “You have a nightmare or something?” You cooed.

You noticed his eyes drift, losing connection with yours, and move downwards, his head giving a tilt as they settled. You followed his gaze and realized you were giving the bird a clear view right down your shirt, where you were currently braless. You reacted instantly, straightening yourself and holding the shirt close to your bosom with a flushed face.

It’s a bird! you reminded yourself, He was probably just reacting to the fabric moving. He’s probably hungry. I need to give him his medicine, too.

Calming your nerves, you retrieved the small bag with medication. “Hey, buddy, you probably don’t feel great right? This will help numb that pain. You mind letting me put this in your mouth?” You held a syringe up, filled with a paste, and capped with a rubber tip that you could slide into his beak.

He seemed to glower at the suggestion, and you were starting to dread having to force his beak open when he shoved the towel off his back and stood up wobbling.

“Wow, you’re very clever, aren’t you? ” you exclaimed.

He huffed at the praise, parting his beak marginally to allow the tip to slide in. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, you carefully slid the syringe tip into his mouth and pushed the plunger just enough to provide the proper dose as you had been instructed.

The hawk reacted negatively, chomping his beak and twisting his head, evidently not enjoying the taste of the medicine. He strode over the water bowl resting on the tabletop and dunked his beak into the water, small bubbles rolling the surface as he guzzled down the liquid.

The sight was so shocking, you couldn’t help but start laughing, your chest heaved as you gasped for air between your cackles.

The hawk, having finished his drink, seemed unimpressed with your reaction.

“Oh, come on,” you chided after regaining your composure. “That was hilarious. Geez, I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. Thanks for that, buddy.”

He shook, his feathers fluffing, then turned and pushed himself back under the towel, clearly unamused.

“Aw, baby’s embarrassed.” You cooed with another chuckle before returning to the kitchen and fixing yourself some breakfast. Once you’d eaten you returned to him to refill the water bowl he had downed and finally noticed that the bowl with the bird feed had been overturned at some point, most likely when he had flipped the box during the night.

“Can you not make a mess of the apartment?” You nagged, cleaning the mess, and refilling the bowl. He gave no reaction, his bright red tail the only visible part sticking out from under the towel. You gently poked the protruding feathers, feeling him lurch in surprise at the touch, “Hey, make sure you eat, you’ll feel horrible with no food in your stomach.”

The hawk rolled under the towel, sticking his head out to glower at the bowl and then you.

“Someone’s in a foul mood,” You blinked, then grinned. “Pun not intended.”

You could swear he rolled his eyes.

Just as you were about to comment on the action, your phone alarm went off. You groaned, “Time for work,” You studied the bird and the sideways box. “They said free roaming would be best since I don’t have a pen or cage big enough for you…” You shifted a dining room chair so it was angled against the table. “If, uh, you want to get down just use this instead of trying to fly… okay?”

His reply was crawling back under the towel, making sure to be completely hidden this time.

Still talking to a bird.

You grumbled something nonsensical, then returned to your room to change your clothes. Once ready to go, you padded towards your door, pulling your hair into a ponytail and glanced at the lump under the towel, and wondered if you should try and call off instead. You decided against it, knowing there was little you could change by staying home.

“I’ll… be back before you need more meds,” you called out. No reaction. You sighed, wondering why you felt like there would be, and exited your home.

You were more than relieved when you returned home and found it in the same condition you had left it that morning. In fact, you realized as you checked for damages, it seemed as if the bird hadn’t moved the entire time you’d been at work. You trailed over to the table and saw that he was where you had left him, snoozing away under the towel, his beak barely protruding.

“I’m home,” you said softly, running a fingertip over the exposed beak.

He let out a soft cooing sound at the touch, wiggling enough to expose his head and look at you with his intense golden eyes.

“Hey, buddy.”

Another coo with a head tilt so he rested on his cheek as he stared, seeming somewhat dazed.

“You okay?” you asked worriedly, he had been more responsive until now. You were about to call the clinic when you saw that the feed bowl had not been touched at all, no dip in the seed to indicate that he had moved anything within. “You haven’t eaten at all?” you declared, picking up the bowl. “I told you-” you paused and sighed, wondering once again why you spoke to an animal like he understood you.

“Do you not like this brand or blend or something?” you muttered. You pulled out your phone to see what type of bird feed was best for him. You realized something unfortunate. Voles, rats, rabbits… “I bought the wrong type of food.” You groaned. You had been in such a rush to get back to the rideshare you had just grabbed the recommended bag of bird feed, not even thinking to make sure that your new roommate could actually eat it.

You didn’t really have any prey type meat just lying around your kitchen. He needed to eat something.

 “Ugh, maybe I can mix some… gravy or something into the seed. Maybe that will work for him until I can get something better.” You left the avian to stride over to the kitchen, opening the fridge in search of an additive to spur the bird’s appetite since, according to Google, he could eat the seed if he had to, but was just choosing not to.

Before you had really started your search the hawk let out a low screech, pulling your attention back to him. Your head snapped over in reaction, surprised to see him standing on the table and eyeballing you, giving a strong feeling of a hunter studying its prey.

“Uh, what’s up, buddy?” you asked nervously.

He shifted his weight between his feet for a few moments before dipping his head down and hooking his beak around the brim of the metal feed bowl. Once gripped, he raised his head, bringing the bowl with and held it in the air for a second while he fought to keep balance at the sudden weight. You were about to call out for him to stop, in case he got hurt, when he thrust his head downwards and released the bowl.

The bowl bounced off the tabletop and tumbled to the floor, spinning. Feed flew all around him, covering the table and floor.

Stunned, you didn’t move, the apartment filled with the sounds of the bowl spinning in place before settling with a dull clunk. The hawk arched his back and let out a defiant squawk at you, finalizing the production you’d just witnessed.

You blinked, processing what had just occurred before standing up, furious, “Are you serious?” you snapped at the proud bird. “You – that – I said don’t make – I don’t even- Okay!” You shouted, unable to process your thoughts, “I get it, you don’t want the damn seed but what the fuck. I have to clean all this up! That- you-”

I’m shouting a bird.

You sighed, cupping your face in your hands and letting out a long groan. What the hell was wrong with this bird, you had never met an animal that was so damn- you didn’t even know how to describe it.

“Let me see what I have,” you hissed at the fowl, wondering if hawk tasted like chicken.

Hm, chicken...

You returned to your excavation of the fridge and found the pack of chicken breasts you had intended to cook the night before when you had been planning to be home earlier and not as tired as you ended up being.

Guess I can make this tonight and share some with him. Not that you found him worthy of this type of treat at the moment.

“Wait… Can hawks eat chicken? Isn’t that like-” your sentence was interrupted by the bird giving a squawk, he was shifting his weight between his feet again but more in an excited dance than a show as before. “What? You like chicken?”

Another squawk.

“Fine.” Ripping the package open, pulling one breast out, and to your cutting board. A few minutes later you set down a bowl of the raw meat in front of him, cut into bite-sized cubes for easier consumption.

He stared at the bowl, suddenly seeming reluctant.

“Oh, what now?” You groaned, pitching your brow.

Fluffing his feathers and looking at you, his gaze shifted to behind you back towards the kitchen.

“What, you want more?”

He huffed and bowed his head, though that lasted only a moment before he held it high again and had a confident look as if having set his mind to something. Wobbling, he padded to the edge of the table and hooked his beak into the dining chair you had set up that morning for him and started climbing down it.

You found the process fascinating, surprised by his sudden burst of energy. Stepping out of the way, you watched as he landed on the tiled floor, starting his way to the kitchen by hopping and tapping along while doing his best to keep balance. He reached the middle of the area and stood in front of the oven. He was panting, having worn himself out with the exercise. However, he wasn’t done, clearly wanting to strike home just what he was thinking, as he bent his head forward and tapped his forehead against the metal appliance, repeating the gesture softly a few times before stopping and resting it there, turning to look at you to ensure you were watching and understood.

“I’m guessing that means you want it cooked.”

The confirmation seemed to be correct, as he gave a weak note in reply and slid to the floor, exhausted by his show; he landed softly on his back, feet in air.

You stepped up to him and bent down, gently brushing the plumage of his stomach, “You are the most spoiled pet I have ever seen. Fine, I’ll cook the damn chicken. Don’t expect anything fancy, though.”

He only let out a long exhale in reply.

You returned the tired bird to the table, grabbed the bowl of chicken cubes, and began once again to prepare the request. A quick check on the phone and you decided to just boil the meat, not adding any spices or extras since that could hurt his stomach. You also did a double-check and removed any excess fat, noting that also wasn’t great for him

While the cubes boiled, you made yourself your own meal, a mouthwatering bowl of katsu over rice.

You set the boiled meat down in front of the starving avian. “Happy?” You sighed, hoping he would finally eat something.

He huffed at the bowl, as if contemplating how to also toss it in a showy fashion, then bent his head and took a cube. He chomped down on it and shivered. Pausing for a moment, he tilted his head in contemplation then bent again to grab another.

“Glad to see it’s good enough for your refined palate.”

Grabbing your own meal, you plopped down at the table opposite the bird and started eating while browsing your phone. You were only a few bites in when you noticed the hawk leaning over you, staring at the bowl.

“Noooo. No!” you pulled the bowl close to your chest, “You have your chicken, this is mine! And fried foods are bad for birds.”

He fluffed, giving you what you could only describe as puppy dog eyes.

How???

You grumbled, “One bite, one!”  You pinched a piece of katsu with your chopsticks, making a small bird-sized piece, and lifted the morsel for the bird to take. He did so eagerly, snatching the piece and sliding it down his throat.

He let out a contented coo.

“Glad you like it- No,” you snapped as he started giving the same look once again. “I said one, and I meant it! I’m in charge here, mister!”

He seemed to relent, his shoulders slumping then he tilted his head again, a contemplative look in his eyes.

“Wha- Uh.” Your voice caught as he slipped off the table into your lap and pressed himself into your chest, nuzzling you. You held back a squeal of delight at the surprising cuteness of the hawk while holding your food in the air with one hand. “That’s a dirty move and I refuse-”

He cooed, looking up at you with big eyes.

“One more.”

He gave a rumbling sound of happiness as he downed the next piece, continuing to snuggle you.

You set the bowl down and gave your full attention to the large bird, amazed at how affectionate he was. You ran your fingers through his feathers, finding soft down. You lost yourself to the petting; he seemingly enjoyed the pampering. You were unsure how, but you were now at the injured fowl’s mercy.

Both of you jumped as your phone went off in your pocket, interrupting the cuddle session. Holding him still, you retrieved it and answered quickly.

“Hello?”

“Hi, there! This is y/n?”

“Uh, yeah… this is?”

“I’m calling from the animal clinic! You brought the lovely red-tail hawk in yesterday?”

“Oh! Yeah, sorry I didn’t expect you to call so soon!”

“No worries! Hope I’m not bothering. Are you okay to talk?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Great! I wanted to let you know that one of the rescue centers we work with is able to take the darling in. They can have someone swing by ASAP if you like.”

“Oh, already?” you eyed the animal resting in your arm.

“Is that a problem?”

“No, I just- I thought it would take a few days.”

“…would you prefer to have their number? That way when you’re… ready, you can call them, and they can come by?”

You pursed your lips, suddenly unsure of yourself. You were in no position to have a pet, especially a predator… yet you found yourself reluctant to let him go. In the short time he had been there, you had laughed and smiled more than you had for a while. It was a welcome disruption to your dull life.

“Yeah… I’d like that.”

They let out a small chuckle, “Sure thing. I’ll let them know. They’ve also posted a bulletin about him, to help track down the owner.”

“Oh, that’s great. I hope they get found, he’s very… special. I’m sure he’s missed.”

“I’m glad to hear he’s doing well! Please feel free to reach out to us or the center if you have any questions or trouble.”

“Will do… thanks.”

Great. Just great. You sighed as you hung up and studied the bird nestled against your breast.

“Welp, I’m crazy. You’re stuck with me for a bit longer, hope you’re okay with that, buddy.”

He nuzzled further into you as if saying thanks for letting him stay.

“Guess if… you’re staying I should give you a name?”

He straightened at that and locked eyes, staring you down fiercely. Clearly, he found the matter very important.

You gave a nervous chuckle, “Don’t have high hopes there, I’m far from great at naming things, bud.” you paused, considering your statement. “Actually, I think I’ve already named you. How does ‘Buddy’ sound?”

He made a disgruntled noise but proceeded to bury himself back into your chest, nuzzling the fabric of your shirt, springing faintly against the fat of your breasts.

“Welp, best you get… Speaking of you getting things, you’re due for your next batch of meds.”

He was less than pleased with the reminder of the foul-tasting substance.

The following morning you woke not to your alarm, but with a start to the sound of someone talking in your living room, the sound seeping in through the ajar door. Your heart raced with panic as you attempted to make sense of the sound. Slipping from the bed and grabbing the wooden bat you kept at your bedside for such events, you approached the door, glancing around the frame to see who dared to enter your abode. Mind whirling, you expected to see masked figures looting your home or-

Buddy! The bird had been asleep on the table when you had gone to bed. What if they hurt him during their looting!

Forgoing your own safety, you rushed out into the open area, only lit by the dim morning sun through the shaded balcony glass door. You reached the couch, brandishing the bat, ready to swing in a moment’s notice. Surveying the room, you found the source of the talking – the television.

Buddy was perched on the couch, the remote next to him, staring at the television. It was on a news channel, going over the latest hero and villain activities.

“What the hell!” you screeched, lowering the bat.

The bird’s head snapped towards you, having not heard your approach. He reacted at your appearance, flapping his free wing and giving a surprised cry.

“You scared the living hell out of me - again! Stop doing that, my heart can only take so much!” You reached for the remote. “How the hell did you even turn that on? I was sure I left it on the ta-” you cut off, reeling your hand back as Buddy jumped atop the device, blocking you from it.

You blinked, confused, “Are… you watching that?”

He squawked in confirmation.

“You are not a normal bird.”

He seemed happy at your realization, fluffing his feathers and stepping off the remote, laying down next to it, and returning his gaze to the screen.

“Whatever, I’m up now. Guess I’ll make breakfast.”

He gave an excited chirp at the suggestion.

“Yeah, yeah. Yours too.”

You joined the fowl on the couch while you ate, giving him another bowl of boiled meat – which he ate disgruntledly.

“I’ll have to swing by the store after work, see how much discount meat I can get you… wonder if the pet store will take back a barely used bag of feed…”

You were already getting used to speaking to the bird, speaking aloud your random thoughts as you went about your morning routine. Cleaning up, giving him his meds, prepping his food and water for while you were gone. You were enjoying the addition he was adding to your day and being able to talk to someone as well – especially since he did provide a type of reply. You enjoyed it so much so that you were reluctant when your alarm for work went off.

“Back to the grind,” you sighed, trudging to your bedroom closet to change out of your nightshirt. “ Was a bit chilly yesterday, should get my spare jacket.” You hadn’t gotten a chance to wash the one from the night you saved Buddy, and you weren’t eager to use a bloody jacket. You spotted the spare folded on the closet shelf, resting under a box.

You pulled the clothing free while doing your best to keep the box in place – your best wasn’t good enough, since just as you were sure it was free, it snagged, and the box joined in the escapade. You tumbled to the ground as the object hit you, its contents partially falling out onto you and the floor.

“Owww,” you whined, rubbing your butt. After regaining yourself, you examined the mess you had created and instantly regretted trying to retrieve the spare jacket, your eyes tearing up at the box’s contents.

It was just a random assortment of objects, all-male ordinated – a razor, a pair of jeans and two t-shirts, a hairbrush, some socks, and other miscellaneous items.

“Dammit…” you mumbled, trying to hold back sobs. With everything that had happened the past two days you had actually forgotten the damn thing was in your closet for the first time in months.

Your self-pity was interrupted as you felt something soft press against your arm. You looked over and saw Buddy standing beside you looking concerned, the sound from the tumble must have drawn him into your room to check on you.

“I’m okay… I’m not crying ‘cause I’m hurt. Promise,” you inhaled deeply, trying to steady your nerves, and started collecting the fallen items back into the box. “It’s a bit silly to cry over.”

He tilted his head in question.

“It’s just some stuff my ex left behind. I should just burn it…” Maybe because you were so used to just saying whatever you wanted to the hawk, you kept following the train wreck of your thoughts, “He cheated on me but somehow worked it to him being the one to break up when I confronted him. I should be glad he’s gone but… here I am, pining over some asshole and his discarded laundry.” Despite your best effort, you started sobbing, “How pathetic am I-”

Buddy pressed into your arm once again, cutting the tirade, and gave a small coo.

You pulled the bird into your arms, holding him close and pressing your face into him, your tears rolling over the water-proof feathers. You stayed like that for a time, buddy not even trying to pull from your embrace. You let him slip from you, your sobs dying away. You felt tired and wanted to crawl back in bed, but work was waiting.

“Thanks.” You mumbled, rubbing Buddy’s cheek. You finished gathering the items, stood, and stared at the box.

Just throw it away.

Your grip trembled as you held it.

Get rid of it.

You slid the box back onto the shelf.

“Don’t look at me like that,” you murmured, glancing away from the concerned hawk.

Time slipped by after that, a new routine being built around your new roommate. You had moments of conflict due to his strange personality, but overall, you enjoyed having him in your home. Even with the dip into your finances that he caused, between meat and clinic visits. Another interesting addition to your day was how your mornings always had a little surprise from him. Mainly him doing something to jolt you awake since he seemed to be a very early riser.

This morning, however, had one of your preferred surprises, your eyelids felt heavy as your brain booted up and registered the light snoring that was taking place next to you. You blinked, looking around for the source, and found the fowl resting next to you, on his back feet in the air and head lolling, on an open pillow.

Giving a sheepish grin, you watched him for a bit, seeing him twitch in his sleep. You had come to terms with his abnormal behavior, your research into the breed showing he did not act like other red-tails or even just other birds in general.

“Buddy,” you purred, reaching over and shaking a talon lightly.

His eyes popped open and then blinked slowly, fighting away his own sleepiness. He turned over and quivered, his feathers fluffing and head jerking.

“Morning.” You giggled, enjoying the show, before turning in the bed and burying your face into the pillow, reluctant to get up. Looking back at him, you saw him observing you intently. Just another thing you’d gotten used to, the way he seemed to examine you up and down with a focused gaze randomly.

You gave a smirk, peering back through your messy hair before pushing yourself up to sit on your knees and stretching your arms up above your head, your joints popping satisfactorily. As always with your nightshirt, it raised with the motion, exposing your thighs to view.

Buddy rolled as you stretched, your movement causing him to be displaced from his resting place, his head landing softly against those thighs as they cushioned the tumble.

“That wasn’t convincing at all,” you laughed, tugging the shirt to the side to lock eyes with the endearing avian. He was very affectionate, finding any way he found to cuddle with you when possible. With a yawn, you checked your phone for the time and saw a reminder on the lock screen. “Oh right! We better get ready; we have the vet appointment today. Your wing should be all healed up!”

As always, the hawk gave a human-like reaction, quickly straightening himself and giving an excited shriek at the announcement.

Buddy wouldn’t stop extending his freed wing as he rested on the perch at the front desk while you signed the paperwork for the visit.

“Calm down, you,” you laughed, glad to see him so happy.

“So, you really plan to keep him?” The nurse asked, grinning at the sight of the overjoyed bird as well.

“I mean… his owner hasn’t been found and he’s not a wild bird. I’ve gotten used to him, so it just seemed best?”

“I think it’s great. He’s lucky you found him. Uh, do you have a leash?”

Buddy flapped and shrieked in disapproval at the remark.

“I saw bird leashes were a thing, but he’s so well behaved I wasn’t sure I should get one?”

“I get your reasoning, but he could fly off, he’s already gotten lost and in trouble once.”

“That’s true…” you looked Buddy over, seeing his hunched shoulders, “Do I need to leash you, bud?”

With a quick flap, he glided off the perch and onto your shoulder, being careful not to cut you with his talons as he steadied himself.

“Wow, you have him wrapped around your finger.”

“I think we’ll be okay.” You decided, scratching Buddy’s chin.

Finishing off the paperwork you exited the clinic, the hawk still perched on your shoulder, sure you were an interesting sight for those you passed. You walked with an eye on your phone, swiping through various avian products.

“We should get you proper stuff, perches, and such, for the apartment. We’ve been making do with the makeshift setup, but now that you’re staying we should-”

He shifted harshly, drawing your attention to him. He was staring intensely down the street, where a store had various televisions on display in a window, an assortment of shows airing with captions turning on. You sighed and approached the display, knowing the bird’s inclination for news. Sure enough, his preferred channel was airing on one of the displays.

“Just for a minute, okay?” you stated, returning to your shopping as he stared at the moving pictures. You kept your word and started to move shortly after, but Buddy gave a loud shriek in protest when you did so, his eyes still focused on the display. “Hey, what’s gotten into you?” You looked at the screen, finally paying attention to the content.

“-the villain has been in a coma since the intense battle with Hawks, so he has yet to be able to answer any questioning as to the whereabouts of the missing number two hero and the other heroes that disappeared-”

You let out a surprised hiss as you felt Buddy’s talons dig into your shoulder, it didn’t hurt thanks to the padding of your coat, but it caught you off guard after how careful he always was. However, before you could reprimand the action, he launched himself and flapped his wings quickly, taking off into the air.

You stared at the hawk as he soared, at first impressed by the way he moved so easily after just getting the wrapping removed, then distraught as you saw him continue to fly away.

“…Buddy?”

——Tag List ——

(Please check this post if you would like to be included!)

@thisisthehardestthing​ @cheeriecherry​ @mindninjax​

[16woodsequ]

Can you tell us headcannons/scenes from fic ideas you have had but have gave up on?

I do have a few ideas for fics that I either thought about writing but changed my mind, or have, but didn’t ever really plan on writing. This is mostly because the ideas are very angsty and while I like thinking about them, I think they might be super depressing to write.

Hallucinations

One idea I like playing around with is the idea that Steve started to hallucinate Bucky after he came out of the ice. I probably won’t write this fic, because I am not sure if visual hallucinations commonly work by having just one person following someone around and talking to them. I don’t know enough about having hallucinations to feel comfortable using it as a means of telling a story.

But anyway, if you remember my rant about the cabin SHIELD sends Steve to, I imagine that he started hallucinating Bucky either during or after that. Of course, he wouldn’t tell anyone about it because he would be worried about getting labelled as crazy and sent back to somewhere like the cabin or worse.

I think the hallucination of Bucky would be a personification of Steve’s own thoughts and feelings, so at times Bucky would be comforting and friendly. But other times he could be cruel and blame Steve for letting him die (because Steve blames himself,) or point out all his flaws.

Since I headcanon that Steve knows about the bugs in his apartment, he wouldn’t be able to risk talking to Bucky except when alone outside, or in the bathroom. (Which Bucky would take full advantage off.)

I don’t think he would hallucinate Bucky constantly, but Bucky would show up regularly. I think the first time Bucky showed up, Steve was doing something like cooking, and he hears Bucky’s voice saying ‘I’d like some of that’, and he responds without thinking—before his whole body freezes and he realises what has just happened.

Steve knows that hallucinations are not normal, and that he isn’t okay. But he doesn’t want to tell anyone, and part of him guiltily doesn’t want the hallucinations to stop (something that Bucky calls him out on sometimes, because again, he is basically Steve’s own thoughts, which would be hard to deal with sometimes.)

Bucky doesn’t show up while Steve is on missions, which is important because otherwise Steve would definitely be a liability. Also, it is important, because eventually Steve is going to be fighting the Winter Soldier, and the mask is going to come off, and Steve is going to get a shock of a lifetime.

I imagine that after Hill brings Steve and the others to see Fury, Steve locks himself in the bathroom for a while and rants with hallucination-Bucky, trying to figure out if what he saw was actually real. Since Steve has been hallucinating Bucky for a while, he isn’t sure if he can trust his senses. But he argues that he has never seen Bucky during a fight like that, and why would he hallucinate Bucky’s face on someone like that? He has always seen Bucky as his 40s-self, so why would he see someone with long hair and a metal arm?

(Bucky argues that Steve hasn’t eaten or slept properly for several days, and could just be crazier than usual, and if he is wrong, he could be putting everyone in danger. And, isn’t the fact that he is busy talking to himself in the bathroom alone, a sign that he isn’t really stable? The man didn’t even know who Bucky was, how can Steve claim that he is Bucky?)

In the end, Steve decides that he can’t risk not believing that the Winter Soldier is Bucky, and he decides to treat him like it is Bucky, until he is proven otherwise.

I’m not sure if the hallucinations would stop after Steve finds Bucky, and Steve may or may not finally tell Sam about his hallucinations while they are searching for Bucky.

Some more angsty stories I probably won’t write have to do with self-harm and suicidal tendencies/attempts by Steve, so I’ll put that under the cut line.

Suicidal tendencies

I do have a general headcanon that Steve was suicidal back in the 30s-40s. I imagine it was soon after his Ma died. Steve would have grown up being told he was a burden from one source or another, and he probably felt guilty that he wasn’t able to get his mother more care during her illness.

I can see him getting very depressed and listless after her death, especially if he is in-between jobs, and can’t seem to get another one. I headcanon he lived with Bucky, and Bucky would be working to try to pay the rent, and Steve would start to think it would just be better if he weren’t there taken up money and resources.

I think it would take some time before Steve actually decides that he should kill himself, but the idea would slowly grow more and more intrusive. Eventually he would convince himself that everybody would be better off if he were dead. (Especially since, with his illnesses, he has probably been told he is going to die young anyways. Might as well get is over with.)

For this, I headcanon that he planned to jump off the Brooklyn bridge. I’ve looked at pictures, and heard stories, so I think it is possible for him to do that. On the day that he planned it, he waited for Bucky to go to work, and then he put away all his things in the apartment, and wrote a note for Bucky to leave on the table. In the note, he mentions where his body will probably be found.

He goes out, and first stops by Mrs. Barnes to say goodbye to her (although she doesn’t know that.) It starts raining as he begins walking down to the Brooklyn bridge. I don’t know how far it would be from where he lived, but he wouldn’t really be concerned about the distance.

Meanwhile, Bucky happens to come home early. At first he is confused by Steve not being home, but then he sees the note on the table, and reads it with growing horror. Since Steve mentioned where he was going, Bucky dashes out of the house, hoping against hope that he isn’t too late.

It is pouring rain by now, and there is almost nobody on the bridge because of the weather. Steve is right by the railing when Bucky gets there, and he’s kind of out of it since he isn’t in a good place right now. Bucky ends up tackling him and Steve is shocked to see him.

Bucky is, of course, terrified and angry, and he yells at Steve because he is so scared. Steve just breaks down and they eventually make it home. I don’t think suicide was really talked about a lot back then, so neither of them would really know what to do, and it would probably sit between them like an elephant in the room for a while.

Eventually the tension would snap and Steve would probably yell about why he is better off dead, and Bucky would yell back how wrong he is about that. I can imagine Steve saying something like “You know I’ll be dead by thirty anyways. You know what the doctor says.”

And then Bucky grabs his shoulders desperately and just goes. “No! No. They keep sayin’ that, and you always prove them wrong. Who cares what they say? You gotta prove ‘em wrong. You’re going to live till your one hundred, ya hear? Promise me.”

And then Steve would stare wide-eyed at him, and stutter out a promise.

Steve wouldn’t try to kill himself again in the 40s, but that promise would become important after he wakes up from the ice.

When Steve wakes up in the ice, I imagine his depression hit even worse, and it was even harder for him to resist his intrusive, suicidal thoughts. And, when he wakes up from the ice, he is technically 94 years old. So he resigns himself to leaving six more years. He decides he can live six more years before he kills himself. He doesn’t know if he ages anyways, and the thought of living like this forever is horrifying, but he can do six years. He can keep his promise to Bucky and last six more years.

Of course, intrusive thoughts are very hard to resist, so I imagine Steve got close to making another attempt in the two years after he woke up, but he was either interrupted or managed to talk himself down.

And then, eventually he finds Bucky again, and that focus helps push away the thoughts for the time being.

I always imagine though, that while in Wakanda, Bucky remembers Steve trying to kill himself when they were younger, and he confronts Steve about it. That is when they are finally able to have an open conversation about what Steve felt, and what Bucky felt, and where each of them are mentally now.

Self-harm

This was a fic that I actually planned to write. I have a WIP that was going to introduce this eventually.

The idea was that after Steve woke up from the ice, he slowly began to self-harm to deal with all his anxious, repressed emotions. It would start out small—digging his nails into his fists, and arms to try to focus/calm down etc—before eventually it would evolve to cutting.

Steve is very careful to hide it, and his super healing helps. I headcanoned that he used a pocketknife that Bucky gave him during the war (one of the only things of his that he has, besides his compass). He always keeps it on him, and he develops a sort of anxious tick were he unconsciously brushes his hand over his pocket when he is feeling stressed, just to reassure himself that the knife is there if he needs it.

He knows that self-harm isn’t healthy, but he avoids thinking about it. He justifies the fact that he heals quickly, and doesn’t scar. It hardly matters, right?

I usually headcanon that Sam finds out about the self-harm while they are tracking down Bucky. Once Sam finds out, Steve does try to work on quitting, but it is a two steps forward, one step back process for him. He starts carrying around elastic bands in his gear belt so that he can use those when he has an urge.

Usually I don’t have any of the other Avengers find out—although Steve might tell Bucky once they get to Wakanda. Once Infinity War came out, I headcanoned that Steve really wanted to keep from self-harming after Sam and Bucky died, because he knew they would want him to, so he asked Natasha to hang onto his knife for him. She didn’t know why he asked that, but she could tell it was important.

When I first thought about writing this story, it appealed to me because I wanted to write a self-harm story that should the slow progression Steve’s self-harm took.

The main reason I don’t think I will write this story anymore is because it will probably be depressing for a long time. In order to do the slow-burn right, we’d have to follow Steve’s headspace for a while, so it would be a long time before he got any help. I still like this idea, but I probably won’t write it.

I hope you enjoyed those fic ideas! Hopefully it wasn’t too depressing. If you want to chat with me more about this ideas, feel free!

Headcanon masterpost

[nicknellie]

Honestly time just doesn’t exist anymore lol. Sadly I didn’t have an hour or so until now so I hope I can ‘ask’ this soon. (Same to you, good whatever time of day it is for you!)

Box stuff: (honestly that’s a bit hilarious because we have shifted so far from box stuff and I think this is where Reggie taking people‘s baby pictures came from)

1. I love how you have classic teenage boy angst starting with caps that’s funny. And very true, Alex will come over as soon as he can and tell Luke how much of an idiot he’s being but affectionately (also in the way that friends can but if parents tried to do the same you wouldn’t listen yk)

Yes, mom and son bonding time. I just love the idea of Alex telling Emily everything that’s happening while they are cleaning or making food is adorable. And Emily spreading gossip is everything (also Luke’s childhood stories because what best friend doesn’t want to lovingly tease their friend)

Wait I love that idea. Personally I don’t feel like Alex or Reggie would go to their parents just because it seems as if they left on bad terms. Although Luke did leave on bad terms with his parents as well, I just feel that checking in on them once is something that he would want to do. Also that last sentence is sad, kind of shows that when something happens to someone there will always be another person who is affected by this. That you can’t always tie up loose ends, for example in the show we see the boys say just before ‘the band is back’ that in those 25 years they don’t know what happened to their friends or their family. So it’s easy to assume that they had friends outside of the band and whomever they are possibly the boys would’ve wanted to say something to them but they never got a chance to. (Also I’ve seen theories where the boys have siblings which if this is true then maybe one of them could go back to that sibling/s)

Yea the song is sad. Also could relate to Julie and how she lost her mom that how in the show. They kind of dance around the fact that the boys are some thing that Rose sent down to her ‘you were an angel in the shape of my mom’.

(Also if you want another sad song, ‘soon you’ll get better’ by Taylor Swift because if Rose did die from cancer like some theories I’ve seen have suggested then this song which is very emotional and kind of talks about this as well could relate to Julie and her mom as well) (I promise you can throw some sad songs my way as well, I know I’m just throwing really sad ones at you lol)

Anyways, going back to the actual conversation. I believe that we did say Emily and Julie are close because they’ve met before and just in general after Julie gave her that song they became closer. But yes they hear it one day and just get so upset, maybe someday Julie plays it for Emily and Mitch 🥺

3. I love that, also adding onto this Willie is basically the same way however his experiments don’t turn out nearly as well also he’s just in love with the fact that Alex can legitimately not use a recipe book but make some thing extraordinary. But yes, Luke and Reggie are horrified especially when Alex throws the recipe book. ‘Bye bye Mr. Recipe Book’ as you said.

Board games and jam:

1. Yes, exactly. Reggie just starts laughing when Alex throws that one but quickly stops when Alex throws one at him as well

Exactly, his weapon of choice is his drumsticks, which may not seem threatening but seeing as which Alex is rather tall and weirdly has very good aim they hurt when he throws them.

That is what I was picturing, like Caleb just looks in shock for a second because how dare someone throw drumsticks at him, but at the same time someone threw a drumstick at him.

Among us

Yes, Alex is always annoyed how everyone voted for him with no prove. So he always tries to sabotage Luke, every chance he has.

Alex kind of gives up not talking to Willie after about 10 minutes, his puppy dog eyes convince Willie to never do that again. (Also because Alex has no problems killing Willie if needed)

Honestly everyone just kills Luke first and he gets upset about it but everyone is laughing. Also exactly, if he doesn’t die first then he is usually the imposter.

Accessories- I actually looked at them before I made my comments and I completely forgot about the hat as well but I saw it and I was like oh that’s such a Reggie move. Yes that is exactly why Carlos has the paper bag.

Honestly Flynn being competitive is everything and very true. Also yes, she is totally impatient like I’ve read these rules probably three times and this decision is taking forever so give money.

Alex just sneaking Willie money is very in character and I love that. Alex just being like no is similar to how he says it during the ‘girls am I right’ scene

Honestly monopoly just takes forever and sometimes people just don’t have the patience for that also as you said arguments are a very real thing that happen. (honestly part of the reason why I said Flynn is competitive because depending on the game I can be the same exact way)

Oh yes, Flynn is just like you’re trying to accuse me of cheating and you’re trying to pretend that we haven’t seen you smuggling Willie cash this entire time, Sure Alex.

Oh my goodness, and while Reggie is avoiding Luke. Alex in the background just casually says something like ‘now you know how I feel.’

Numbers:

2. Exactly, and of course Alex is just like Aw Willie is laughing so I may forgive this for now but you’re still replacing this.

Yea I’m hoping that Arthur will grow on me. Also I just haven’t had a lot of time to Address to his character aside from like the two interactions with Merlin who honestly if anything kind of starts the fright.

Exactly. Alex just being done with Luke 24/7, ‘I’ve had to save him 25 times so far, how is that possible’

6. That’s hilarious because Alex is freaking out over this cute hair flip however at the same time he is in the thought processes of ‘oh I have to act cool in front of my best friends because they will definitely tease me more later, so what should I do’

Exactly, honestly I don’t blame you and I totally support that writing decision lol. (On that note best of luck with your other requests, also with school because it seems like it’s been a tiny bit stressful and I don’t mean to over impose but I just hope you’re doing well!)

8. Oo I’m excited for the tangent. I completely agree they are the perfect recipe for a band because their strengths are each other’s weaknesses so they’re able to balance each other out so well. Also in a way where one of them won’t get a big head or anything.

Luke- exactly, and although he does have his insecurities the others are able to balance this and help him out just as much as he helps them. Especially where he is kind of like the leader of the band unofficially with being the lead singer and everything it’s easier for him to possibly get cocky or something but we don’t see that. More often then not, as you mentioned it he tries to be there for his band and make sure that they are doing well before he thinks about himself.

Reggie- precisely, honestly I feel like some people don’t recognize how important an instrument is until you don’t hear it anymore (will bring this up later with Alex). And if they didn’t have the bass line and the one set of back up vocals that Reggie provides (Alex/Bobby as well) then the songs would definitely be lacking some thing. He has such an incredible vocal range, which I feel like is shown rather well in stand tall because although he doesn’t have a lot of solos. It kind of shines very well in the solos he has in that song. (Also the actor in general just released an EP which also not only displays his musical ability with the instruments he can play but his vocal ability as well)

Also, as you mentioned his kind of role as the happy one kind of balances out Luke’s go with the flow, (honestly not sure for Bobby they haven’t shown his character a lot to know but possibly another voice of reason) and Alex who can overthink things and can be mature.

Alex- kind of like what I said earlier. When Alex says get ‘woke these are sensitive times’ due to Luke saying that they didn’t need to have a drummer for that song (later we see that Alex is drumming in that song) if they didn’t have a drummer for that song then the entire tone of the song would’ve been changed because they didn’t have percussion and it possibly could’ve been overwhelmed with string instruments.

Agreed, it’s easier for the drummer to be overlooked but he keeps the rest of the band on track and if the one that the boys fall to if something goes wrong (for example when they appear and Julie starts freaking out, Alex says that he should handle it and the boys let him immediately).

Bobby- Yes, I feel like if season two focuses on the past of Sunset Curve a bit more then it will be easier for us to see what exactly his dynamic is in the band. Exactly, they would be lost without having Bobby in their band. And as you mentioned, he is part of the glue that holds them together from our previous discussions as him being a counselor and who the band would turn to.

I love how you described it because you’re completely right. Without the other three there then it’s easier for Bobby to feel more alone because now he doesn’t have his support system that he’s relied on for who knows how many years. Also as you mentioned he doesn’t have the band reminding him to either let loose a little bit or when to stop so he’s easier to manipulate if that’s the direction that the show wants to take. Honestly I just don’t want to think about Alex or Reggie or Luke being alone that night but exactly, they would be a mess without each other.

11. Honestly Reggie just forgetting to mention that he met celebrities at their concert and stuff is such a in character move.

(Noted, we can just pretend that it happened in like 1994 lol)

17. Oh my goodness, I know we mentioned that Reggie had a Caleb scrapbook. However honestly I forgot about that and it’s hilarious to think about Nick having his own page in that scrapbook due to when Caleb. possessed him.

Oh my goodness, yes. Just like ‘I get that you are trying to take our souls however I want your baby pictures right now’ - Reggie.

Honestly I just want Caleb to be good just because not only is the fashion incredible but Cheyenne Jackson is such a phenomenal singer and it would be sad if due to the character being a villain that eventually they had to get rid of him.

Precisely, he just want to protect them all and he totally would love Julie for the reasons that you said.

I love the idea of Reggie just walking into the White House and basically everyone jumping out of their seats and helping Reggie take over the world.

19. Exactly, they seem to have a very good alliance between them however as the snow fight continues they all just switch sides and eventually it is just Willie and Carlos, Julie and Reggie, and Luke and Alex. (they are really bad at keeping alliances, in the end everyone has had an alliance with everyone) (and or just keep the teams I mentioned but they are definitely chaotic enough for every team possible to happen)

20. Same here, and it’s just so easy to tell that they are close together which makes the their chemistry on screen seem really believable. (Friends, ect)

Exactly, they do you have a few moments however it’s that way for every actor and some of those may just depend on personal preference. Also for quite a few of them as they get more experience than how they act will definitely improve and honestly just seeing how phenomenal they are now, I can’t wait for that to happen

Honestly yes, just jealous Willie I guess. Also just completely ignoring what is happening on screen and what the show is literally trying to show them.

I agree ,because although I feel like it would be interesting if somehow the theory was in the show. At the same time I just feel like it would overwhelm the show and it would be easier for Caleb to turn nice then for him to not be the one at fault. That’s an interesting theory, honestly I didn’t think of him handing over HGC over to Willie and is a new take that may be nice to explore, if the show wishes to.

Honestly, Luke and Flynn‘s friendship does deserve its own post. And legitimately if anyone messes with Julie then they would have to run because not only would Flynn and Luke have problems with them but the rest of the ghost boys alongside Caleb probably would come after them as well.(And the family)

21. Phew, I’m glad you I agree because I legitimately have no reasoning for that except for I just want to see Alex just casually say one day that he got arrested and have Willie just be so startled.

Oh yeah Reggie and Luke would start the fire but Alex would be the reason that it’s continuing to burn while Bobby is just unbothered on the side. Going with the Sunset Curve graffiti, that’s exactly what happened but if any asks they have no clue how it got there.

25. I’m just imagining Carrie accidentally being turned the wrong way for some of the conversation and then she faces Willie and although he was laughing before he all of a sudden gets really serious. (Although it’s Luke’s and Reggie‘s shovel talk that makes him the most afraid)

I love how you’re like it’s not because I want Flynn and Carrie to be together however that’s basically the entire reason. (I embellished a little bit but yeah) But I do agree, I feel like Carrie and Nick could have such a great potential to be friends. I love how you said that it’s Caleb who says yes to going back to Carrie that makes her suspicious not anything else that he does.

26. Oh my goodness, a little list to annoy Alex.

32. Honestly the fact that Alexander‘s Reggie back to the park manager with a batch of cookies is such a mom friend to do and a very in character move for Alex.

37. Legitimately Reggie is just banned from using laundry mostly because Alex and Luke were very horrified that day which they never want to experience again. Yes, and it wasn’t even a colour that made sense but one that theoretically is supposed to be impossible but Reggie managed to do the impossible.

I also love the little detail of candles being banned from the studio because Luke once out his arm in it. Also going off of that Luke and Reggie are also banned from using lighters just because they think arson is fun and would definitely try to set something on fire.

Oh my goodness, Luke being on fire and Alex just being done ‘Luke we are dead it’s not going to hurt’, and Julie is just saying something along the lines of how did this even happen. (Reggie is kind of panicking as well but he is probably the reason why Luke is on fire)

I love the fact that Julie is the first person who believed Reggie about having the Queen‘s baby pictures because that is adorable. Also just because a Reggie and Julie friendship is needed so much.

Good whatever time of day it is for you (honestly love that lmao)! 100%, time hasn’t existed since like March which is why I accidentally slept from four til nine and am now answering this at half midnight because I’m unable to sleep and also it’s brilliant, but anyway!

Box Stuff (oh yeahhh this is where the baby photos came from!)

1. Lmao I love that idea, Alex comes in and sees Luke like sat amongst utter chaos and he just goes “Luke, that was dumb” about whatever he did and Luke just grumbles “I know” obviously doing the angry puppy face. Also I love that detail, like if a parent said it then it’d be unacceptable but it’s a friend so it’s fine, I totally get that. He’s like “this is what I think you should do” and Luke grudgingly listens.

Side note: the way we’ve been talking about Alex is really really strongly reminding me of one of my irl friends and this is literally nothing to do with any of this but I’m now projecting her onto Alex so I wanna headcanon that Alex was really close with teachers. Not in a weird way, like they just got on well with him because he was a good student and he was bright and happy when he wanted to be, and he was mature and well-mannered and everyone he ever met would do anything for him. It’s not like he was a teacher’s pet, it was more like they trusted him and were friendly with him and tended to give him higher grades because he was so nice.

Anyway, idk if that made sense, but back to the actual points! Omggg yes Emily telling Alex all Luke’s stories! (Like places he got stuck as a child bc as we know Luke will get stuck anywhere 😂) Alex starts bringing them up whenever Luke is being particularly annoying - “bold words for someone who cried when they met Mickey Mouse at Disneyworld” and bonus points if Emily happens to be in the room (like they’re at Luke’s house or whatever) smirking to herself because she loves her boys

You put this so beautifully omg 🥺 I think you’re definitely right about all of this, Alex and Reggie would have not wanted to see their parents and given that opportunity to Luke instead. And like yeah exactly!! Alex says they had other friends but we never hear anything about them and it makes me wonder what they did when the band died. Also this got me thinking about tributes the school would have held for them and all the different things going on in their honour, and people being careful with Bobby (like people were with Julie after Rose died) because he’s been so down and them all carefully offering their condolences and saying they’re sorry for his loss and ouch. Oooh yes personally I really like the idea of Alex having a sister who’s quite a lot younger than him like ten years but I think that’s just me projecting, no matter what I definitely think he had a sister. It says in the show that Luke was an only child (and sidenote: that made me headcanon that Mitch and Emily really struggled to have kids, possibly going through infertility treatment and Luke was the only child they didn’t lose during pregnancy but they still ended up losing him anyway), and also I like the idea that Reggie had an older brother who he didn’t see much. I think Alex would have liked to see his sister again but Reggie wouldn’t have minded either way about seeing his brother

I haven’t heard that song but I’ll make sure to listen to it in the morning! And I’m so glad you said I could suggest songs lol because I literally only heard this for the first time about an hour ago but I’m already in love with it - Don’t Stop... by Oasis is literally such a beautiful song and I can definitely imagine it as something Rose wrote to Julie, Ray and Carlos like Wake Up before she died, or alternatively a song sort of similar but not really to Unsaid Emily, more like Luke trying to comfort Emily. It’s less sad and more sort of comforting and emotional, but it’s absolutely gorgeous!

Omggg Julie playing that for Mitch and Emily, I would cryyyy. I feel like the Patterson’s have a piano so Julie would be at their house one day and start playing the chords and humming along and Emily and Mitch would watch as she slowly starts singing and it turns into a proper performance and everyone’s crying by the end omg I love it

3. Lmao that’s great, Willie sees Alex improvise and is like “how hard can it be?” and tries it by himself and almost sets the kitchen on fire. Alex just isn’t even surprised and helps him clean up, then the next time Willie wants to do it Alex helps him - turns out Willie should just be banned from the kitchen at all costs because even with Alex there it still ends up going wrong. And I love that, how Luke and Reggie would just be horrified when Alex throws the book away. Like Luke would go and get it from the trash or wherever Alex chucked it across the room and would nervously say “you need this buddy?” but Alex just waves him away like “NO it’s stupid get it out of my sight”

Board Games and Jam

1. Pfffft this whole thing literally made me laugh out loud. Reggie thinking it’s hilarious but his face immediately falling when Alex is against him, immediately trying to backpedal.

Also I read it wrong bc I thought it said “Alex is weirdly tall” and I was like I’m pretty sure he’s not like much over six foot that’s normal??? Then I read it properly and was like oh ok that makes more sense. And also you’re right, like a drumstick may be a flimsy piece of wood but Alex has perfected his technique and good god it hurts if it hits you

Lmao that’s exactly what I was imagining too! Caleb just looking completely flabbergasted because How Dare someone throw something at him?? And while he’s still looking shocked, another drumstick hits him. He starts to look annoyed more than shocked and another drumstick hits him. Eventually, he carries on with his evil speech, now looking resigned and a little fed up because he’s still being pelted with drumsticks and can’t figure out where Alex is getting them all from

Among Us

Wait yeah I love that, I wanna build on that a little - he gave up on not talking to him because Willie was sat next to him and continuously poking him while saying “I said I’m sorry hotdog please love me” and Alex literally can’t resist, so he’s like “fine on one condition” then whips out the puppy dog eyes and asks Willie never to do it again and Willie agrees instantly. Alex kills him literally the next round.

It gets to the point where if someone finds Luke’s body and there was no one near it at the time then they’ll just ignore it and won’t even call an emergency meeting bc they can’t accuse anyone of being sus because it could literally be any one of them unless someone was running away from the body. Luke gets annoyed so quickly and won’t do his tasks as a ghost because everyone is laughing at him and being mean about his death

Exactly! Flynn has the rules memorised word for word and if someone tries to do something they can’t she will literally be out of her seat like “NO bitch play by the rules, why can none of you play this game properly?!” and everyone is like “... calm down all he did was accidentally move his piece three spaces instead of two. chill.”

YES LOL that’s exactly what the “no” is like absjdldl

I love that so much, also because I feel like they wouldn’t really talk much outside of game nights and stuff - like Willie would be good friends with Flynn so Alex would talk to her whenever they all hang out, but most of the time it’s just them as a group so their interactions are almost always them arguing about the rules of Monopoly. The only time they’re in agreement is if Luke (and only Luke) does something wrong then they will gang up on him, Flynn bc the rules are very important to her and Alex bc he thinks it’s funny

Literally same, tbh I’m usually the one who starts arguments during any board game so it’s good we can both project our competitiveness onto Flynn 😂😂

Pffffft yeah lmao Alex just has no sympathy for Reggie’s struggle

Numbers

2. Omg that’s great lmao, love how you just slightly changed the 25 years quote. I’d like to add “You know what else is rude? Not thanking me for literally saving your life. Get woke, these are sensitive times.”

6. It leads to a disastrous conversation that goes something like Willie saying something and Alex giving a panicked response then Willie replying and Alex attempting to give a chill response bc the guys are watching and the whole thing ends up awkward

Unrelated sort of, but it kinda reminds me of this scene in a show called Miranda (idk if you’ve ever watched it? Again it’s one of my all-time favourite shows. It’s getting an American remake actually called Call Me Kat which Cheyenne Jackson is in!!) where the main character Miranda is talking to the love interest Gary. Basically they’ve not seen each other in years and so Gary asks what’s going on in her life and she tells him she’s an Olympic gymnast. Later he asks if she’s seeing anyone, she says she’s married and has two kids called Orlando and Bloom. Gary says he’s single and she’s like “oh me too” so he asks about the husband and kids and she’s like “we’re divorced now. The kids are... dead” anyway yeah now I wanna write a Miranda AU lmao

8. Luke - exactly!! His selflessness can be dangerous sometimes bc he might just forget to take care of himself but the others balance it out. Also yeah it would be so easy for him to get cocky but he just doesn’t because the band means so much to him!

Reggie - yes to all of that! His solo in Stand Tall is beautiful, and I legit can’t remember if I brought this up before but my favourite Reggie lyric is that “today!!” in Now or Never because it’s just amazinggg. And yes!! Jeremys new music is literally so good, I haven’t listened to all of it but like you said it’s such a great display of his abilities and he’s so so so underrated within the fandom and in general

Alex - yes!! That’s the perfect example because even luke doesn’t realise how important Alex’s part is and like that’s Luke of all people

Wait yeah that’s a great example! Alex keeps them on track by trying to calm Julie - I mean, admittedly he doesn’t do a great job (“wHy ArE yOu In OuR sTuDiO?!”) but they know that he’ll be the best guy for the job

Bobby - exactly I just wish we had more information from the show to go on for him!!

And ok ok ok just this got me thinking - imagine if it had been Luke left alone that night. He finds that his three brothers are dead and he’s just completely lost. It suddenly feels like his dreams have been crushed because he doesn’t want to go on with music without the band. He doesn’t know where to go, but he feels himself longing for home. So he goes to the studio but it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Without the other guys there, making noise, or staying quiet, or laughing and joking or making their music, it doesn’t feel like the home Luke had considered it before - it just feels like a room, a draughty old garage with shattered memories and newfound loneliness. But he’s still aching to go home, he just doesn’t know where that is anymore. He walks, and he keeps walking, trying to find somewhere that feels accepting and welcome but nowhere fits. He doesn’t even really know where his feet are taking him. Eventually he stops walking and he looks at where he is, and he sees that he has stopped outside his house, at the end of the driveway. Through the window he can see Emily knitting and he’s reminded of Bobby, and he sees Mitch doing a crossword in the paper and he’s reminded of Reggie, and he sees a Cake cooling on the counter and he’s reminded of Alex, but also he can just see Mitch and Emily. He walked himself back to his parents. He walked himself home. And he has no idea what he’s going to do or say but he walks up to the door for the first time in months and he knocks and it’s Emily who answers and for a moment they stare at each other and without a word they both move to hug one another. They’re crying, quietly, and Emily whispers into his ear, disbelievingly, “you’re home” and he realises then that yes, he is. He comes in, tells them everything that happened, and from then on they support him and help him pursue a solo career - he dedicates all his songs to his fallen family.

17. That mini Reggie quote literally made me snort with laughter. And Caleb’s response is just like to wave him away like “fine fine you can have them next week”

Exactly!! As brilliant as Cheyenne Jackson is at decadent villain songs, I’d rather get rid of those and have him turn good than defeat him and have him leave the show :(

19. Wait yeah I love that! Eventually every alliance falls apart because they can’t resist attacking each other. It’s Willie who makes his way through everyone the fastest because if he sees a moment to get his partner he will not hesitate

20. Yeah you put that so perfectly!

Ooooh exactly! Seeing as this is a totally new fandom it’s going to be exciting thi at we get to watch it grow and watch them grow with it as they get better and better and hopefully the show gets better with them (if that’s even possible, it’s already pretty perfect). And also I can’t wait to see them in more stuff! Like most of them have already been in other things but for the most part they weren’t well-known but now they are so they should be able to grow as actors because of that too which is exciting

Yeah totally there is definitely such thing as too many villains and I don’t think anyone can top Caleb anyway. And yeah, I’d so love to see Willie take over the HGC because he would make it so fun and also probably turn half of it into a skatepark

Anyone: *messes with Julie*

Luke, Flynn, Alex, Reggie, Willie, Ray, Carlos, Caleb, Nick, Carrie, Trevor, Rose’s spirit: You’d better start running.

21. No I can totally see it happening! Like Willie almost definitely got arrested when he was alive too so one day he mentions it and Alex is just reminiscently like “I remember when I spent the night in jail” and Willie is just ???????

Yeah they’re like “oh the Sunset Curve graffiti? Idk man we’ve got some pretty crazy fans out there. It definitely wasn’t us doing it because Reggie needed cheering up and crime always does the trick.”

25. Lmfao that’s brilliant. Carrie turns around with a face like thunder and Willie is immediately like “oh god I’m already dead but I think she’s gonna kill me again”. Honestly most of her talking would just be her saying “Alex is the sweetest, nicest, funniest, cutest, kindest, most thoughtful, [list of other adjectives for Alex] and I will keep him far out of your reach if you hurt him” and yeah like you said Luke and Reggie are scarier because they’re like “we will literally kill you a second time if you ever make him even a little bit sad” Meanwhile I imagine Julie just off in the corner shaking her head because she knows Willie is a sweetheart and would never hurt Alex so doesn’t need to give him the talk

Ajdbdksk you saw right through that huh 😂😂 it’s not my fault they’re perfect for each other lmaooooo

32. Yes!! I love the idea of Reggie finally getting back to his friends with the ranger. His jacket is all covered in dirt and Alex brushes it off him while saying “never wander off again, Reginald, we were worried sick, anything could have happened to you” and all this. Then the next day Alex hands over the cookies to Reggie and is like “take these to that nice park ranger, it’s the least we can do”

37. Reggie managing to do the impossible is a theme we’re making kinda and I’m loving it! He just has a knack for doing the impossible and most of the time it’s just absolutely terrifying or confusing so that means the guys just don’t trust Reggie with complicated things because he’ll do them but in the weirdest way possible (I hope that made sense but i don’t think it did 😂)

“Because they think arson is fun” lmaooo perfect. If ever Alex or Bobby or Julie finds out they have a lighter on them for any reason they get put in the Time-Out Corner and they literally act like preschoolers about it.

Reggie being the reason Luke is on fire that’s freaking hilarious omg, it’s the one time Alex didn’t realise he had a lighter and of course it ends in disaster. He’s only panicking bc he feels bad and also he’s annoyed because now Alex knows he had a lighter and he’s gonna get put in time-out

YES omg ok I really really really want a Reggie and Julie duet. I made a post about it the other day but honestly I need one right now. It can be called “the Queen’s Baby Photos”

[fictionsthings]

Anakin for the character meme?

First of all: *insert incoherent screeching*

Second: This is a lot and I apologize (especially if it doesn't make sense.)

How I feel about this character: Ok, I have a lot of feelings about Ani and they're not all coherent so bear with me. I love him so much but he makes me so sad. Anakin is such a tragic character. So much shit happens to him.

Age 9: Freed from slavery (which is good) and taken from his mother, who is still enslaved (not good AT ALL). He is thrust into a new environment with a bunch of strangers, the majority of whom are hostile towards him. (*coughTheJediCouncilcough*)(HE'S NINE, YOU ASSHOLES! OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO BE SCARED!)

Little Ani is so brave. I never would have been able to leave everything and everyone I cared about, even if my mom wanted me to, even if it meant a better future for me. Not to mention that he literally goes in to battle THE NEXT DAY and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING!

Age 19: Has nightmares about his mother's death which eventually come true when she dies in his arms, and then kills every Tusken Raider he deems responsible for her death (and not just the men. But the women- and the children too.) He then loses his hand to Count Dooku the next day.

Since my grandfather died this year, I find myself tearing up when Shmi dies. Sure, my grandpa and I weren't super close, but I still loved him very much and for weeks after his death, I could hardly bring myself to do anything. I can only imagine what it must have been like to lose a mother and then have to hide the fact that you were even grieving from the majority of the people in your life.

Age 22-23: Has nightmares of Padme dying in childbirth and becomes reasonably terrified of losing her and their child(ren). He goes to Yoda for advice, but unfortunately, Yoda's advice is shit and doesn't help him at all in any way, shape or form. Palpatine uses Anakin's fear to manipulate him and make him come over to the Dark Side, making Anakin think that it's the only way to save Padme, only for Ani to lose everything he ever loved instead. When Anakin first woke up in the Darth Vader suit, one of the first things he asks is "Where is Padme? Is she safe?" When Palpatine said that Padme was dead, Anakin literally destroys almost every thing in the Medcenter in his grief. Palpatine then relied on Anakin's attachments to ensure that he would remain Palpatine's slave apprentice because Palpatine was the only thing Anakin had left. Not only that, but Anakin felt that he was too far gone to redeem himself. (Note that it was Luke's belief in what goodness Anakin had left that helped him return to the Light. More on that later.)(I fucking hate Palpatine. He has literally been manipulating Anakin since he met the kid on Naboo.)

I would like to say that the majority of people I've seen/talked too agree that it was Palpatine who killed Padme. Anakin was supposed to die on that beach on Mustafar. Palpatine wanted Anakin's power leashed to him, so Palpatine saved him by using Padme's life force. It makes sense. Palpatine has known Padme for years. He mentored her in politics. He knows her, and so it would be easy to identify her in the Force and then steal her life, even easier if she is already weakened from emotional (Anakin's fall and use of the Force on her) and physical stress (her pregnancy and labor). The parallels between Anakin's "repairs" and revival and Padme's childbirth and death make it subtle but obvious all at once. (I also want to punch Palpatine's damn teeth in for smiling at Anakin's pain.)

I'm also half convinced that Palpatine planted those nightmares of Padme in Anakin's mind to draw him closer to the Dark Side.

Age 41-42: Finally kills Obi-wan Kenobi and feels so lonely (and maybe sad, I'm not sure) that Yoda can feel his pain all the way from Dagobah and Yoda feels sorry for him. (I would also like to note that Anakin knew to be off the Death Star in ANH because he had a Force Vision and decided not to tell anyone else because everyone else sucked and you can't change my mind.)

If you- a Dark Lord of the Sith- can make Yoda- Grandmaster of the Jedi Order- feel bad for you, then goddamn you must feel awful. (I'm feeling even more sad, wtf? I didn't realize it was possible)

Age 44-45: Finds out that he has a son and that Palpatine lied to him for literally half his life. Think about that. He has spent approximately 22 to 23 years as Darth Vader and he had a son out there. Literally, nothing is more important to Anakin than Family. He is angry that Luke was kept from him and he is vengeful. (In the Darth Vader comics, he goes to the Lars Homestead to punish the people who "stole" Luke, only to find out that they're already dead.) He singlemindedly searches for Luke for years, and then he finally gets to him on Bespin (after he hurt his son's close good friends.) There's the fight, then he literally cuts off his son's hand and THEN he tells Luke that he is his father. (Anakin, I love you, but you have pretty bad timing.) Then Luke literally chooses to fall, choosing the possibility of death over taking his father's hand.

Even if you're a Sith Lord, that has to hurt. Note that Anakin only made the offer to take down the Emporer and rule the galaxy as father and son once. Luke rejected him (which, I'll admit- perfectly reasonable) and I'm not sure why Ani rejected Luke when Luke pretty much offered the same thing in ROTJ, but something happened and I need to find out what. I may tear my heart out in the process, but it's whatever.

Age 46: Emperor Raisin Face keeps on saying that Luke will either join them or die (which granted, Anakin said in ESB, but still) and so Anakin is reasonably desperate to get Luke over to the Dark Side so he doesn't die. Anakin senses Luke going to the Forest Moon of Endor and decides to pop down for a visit when the Emperor says that Luke will go to him. Luke does indeed go to Anakin, and immediately tries to appeal to Anakin's goodness, to his paternal side. Anakin tries to deny him, says that the name Anakin Skywalker "no longer has any meaning" to him and that "I must obey my master" and continues to deliver his own son to the Emperor. During their fight in the throne room, Anakin finds out that he not only has ONE child, but TWO. He then makes the happy mistake of trying to provoke Luke into fighting him. It works and Anakin loses his hand again. And just when he thinks that Luke might kill him, with the Emperor egging him on, Luke tosses his saber away, rejecting the Emperor and saying, "I am a Jedi, like my father before me." When the Emperor attacks Luke with the Force Lightning and Anakin literally crawls back to the Emporer's side, Anakin eventually answers Luke's calls for help and tosses the Emporer down a chasm. Anakin dies just before Luke can get him off the Death Star and after telling telling that he (Luke) was right about him (Anakin) and that Luke already saved him.

Can I just say that the "I must obey my master" line breaks my heart? Because it absolutely shatters it. As I've gotten older and understood more as I've watched these movies, I have cried at this scene and I will cry when I watch it again. That is not just a threat, it is a promise. It breaks my heart. He sounds so defeated. And I always feel so relieved and happy when he comes back to the light.

Moral of the story is: I want to give him a hug and officially adopt him as my son. (Real talk though, if I met him in real life, I would just do my best to not piss him off.)

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

- Padme

That's it.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I have many.

- Obi-wan and Anakin

- Ashoka and Anakin (I have yet to see Clone Wars but I've seen a lot of fan content)

- Captain Rex and Anakin (I have yet to see Clone Wars but I've seen a lot of fan content)

- Luke and Anakin

My unpopular opinion about this character:

I'm not sure if this counts as an unpopular opinion, but if you didn't notice, I don't call Anakin by Darth Vader in this and that is because he was always Anakin Skywalker, he was just in denial. Also, it doesn't feel right for me to call him Darth Vader. I used to clarify if I meant Vader or Anakin, but at this point it's just... Why seperate the two? They are the same person. I call the suit "Darth Vader", yes, but honestly it's just to clarify when I'm talking about in ROTS because Anakin is "Darth Vader" both in and out of the suit in that movie.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Anakin can't go back to being the man he was, but he never stopped being Anakin. He changed, yes, drastically even. He went by a different name, yes. But he was still Anakin Skywalker. It just took him awhile to figure that out. (Hence why he wasn't in the Darth Vader suit as a Force Ghost)

One thing I wish would happened / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish that he and Leia had been able to make some sort of peace. Leia doesn't have to forgive him, Force knows she has every right not to, but it would've been nice if she could have made peace with her parentage in canon.

I actually read a fic like that here on tumblr recently. I'll have to see if I can find it for y'all.

Found it! -> x <-

[tonotbelionized]

Yang’s Mental Health: You Left Us! Why?

Yang Xiao Long, our sunny little dragon, is a character that has a lot of emphasis on her character being that there’s more to her than meets the eye. While she may seem like a carefree, badass boxer with a love for adventure and the unpredictability of it, we as the audience are shown quite early on that she does deal with a lot more beneath the surface.

Even before her amputation and later development of PTSD, we are shown that Yang actually isn’t as happy all the time as she appears to be, and is shown to be deeply affected by the absence of her biological mother; Raven. We’re given a sense that she has trouble actually talking about her problems, even with her sister Ruby or her friends.

So let’s see how deep into her psyche her problems lie, and how the show goes about dealing with these issues that threaten that damper out her fire.

Yang’s Abandonment & Trust Issues

Abandonment and difficulty in trusting people go hand in hand with Yang. It’s not that she has difficulty in growing bonds with people, as we see that she’s open and friendly even to people that she’s never met before, an offset to Blake who’s issues are more trusting people in general.

However, just because Yang can still make bonds with people easily doesn’t mean she expects them to last. It’s explicitly shown in her song regarding her feelings of Blake leaving, All That Matters. She never thought that Blake would always stay with her, because eventually everyone does leave, and the important part of that song is that Yang never asked Blake to commit because of this fear.

Even when she braced herself to what she believed to be an eventuality (everyone she loves leaves her), Yang admits in the song that she never would’ve expected Blake to leave her like she did. When Yang was at her lowest, Blake left without saying a word, and that just cuts her deeper because she was never told why Blake left. It’s the exact same as Raven not giving her a reason for leaving either in Yang’s mind, and to handle with that loss in friendship, Yang falls back on old habits. She clearly shows anger to mask the fact that she’s feeling lost and upset, only letting herself grieve when Ruby’s left the room.

Being abandoned at birth by Raven, and later losing her maternal replacement Summer, at such a young age meant that Yang would have had to rationalise this loss in her own way. Her behaviour both in her later life and from the tidbits we’re given in her conversations with Taiyang can help us see how Yang actually coped with it.

Given that Ruby was old enough to have solid memories of her mother, which doesn’t happen until the child is around five years old, so Yang would’ve been seven at the earliest with Summer’s death. With a child at that age, there are many different ways that they would process the loss, but it would only in limited ways because they are still trying to understand the concept of death overall. The ones that I think apply to Yang the most are:

May conceal their loss

Being irritable, having more tantrums, or developing aggressive behaviour

Looking for the person who’s died

With concealing her loss, we can see Yang doing that exact thing in the actual show. She rarely talks about Raven until she talks to Blake in Volume 2, and it’s implied in her annoyance at actually talking about her with Taiyang in Volume 4 that they weren’t really allowed to talk about this loss before. It’s even worse with Summer Rose, as Yang only talks about her when talking to Blake and in passing comment with Weiss in Volume 5, but both their losses still affect her.but the fact that Blake left so soon and without even saying a word while Yang was at her lowest meant that she 

Her aggressive behaviour is shown even before she developed PTSD. While she’s pretty laid back while fighting, she does quickly jump to violence with her fight in Junior’s bar in her trailer, and that she is quickly prone to angry outbursts at the slightest annoyance. It’s so much part of her character that Cinder takes advantage of it to pit her against Mercury, her previous outbursts with Neon meaning that it’s not hard for the people watching to assume Yang is that violent. 

While Raven didn’t die, her absence is basically the same thing because she isn’t there, and Yang had never seen her until her time in Beacon. Her desire to look for her biological mother pushed Yang to take Ruby and put her in danger when they are attacked by Grimm, and Yang acknowledges herself that her push and want to find Raven almost got her and her little sister killed. This is the only one that Yang seems to have moved on by herself, as she never allows her mission for answers control her life or put people she loves in danger again. 

While it’s not Taiyang’s fault that he fell into a deep depression after that, we do have to acknowledge that he didn’t help Yang through this loss emotionally. Without someone to help her rationalise and develop healthy coping mechanisms to handle her negative emotions, Yang has been left to deal with these problems alone, and that’s led to her doing so the only way she knows how; by simply ignoring them or letting them fester as anger. It’s the same problem I’ve highlighted in my Mentality of Adam post, a child that isn’t given guidance is at danger of becoming lost.

Yang’s PTSD

Before we go into depth about Yang’s PTSD, I would like to mention that there is a difference in PTSD and C-PTSD, or Complex Post-Traumatic Disorder, because that’s the main reason why I don’t connect with some of Yang’s struggles. We both have different forms of this disorder.

The main difference that has to be said is that PTSD is from a singular moment of trauma, like a natural disaster or a single moment of violence. In Yang’s case, her PTSD is caused by her dismemberment by Adam, a singular moment of trauma that continues to haunt her long after the incident has happened. C-PTSD is caused by ongoing cases of extreme violence and stress, such as childhood abuse, leading to victims experiencing particularly intense symptoms.

Moving on, PTSD is one of the central obstacles that Yang has to learn to live with, given that she was very much pushed to the background in terms of development compared to the rest of Team RWBY, at least until her fight with Mercury. At the beginning, we are clearly shown that Yang suffering from multiple symptoms of the disorder; nightmares, flashbacks that trigger panic attacks, insomnia, easily irritable and angered, temporary detachment from Ruby after she lost her arm.

This aspect of her mental state is given a lot of screen time, and Yang is never shown to just get over her fears. Even after trying on her new arm and getting back some of her old self confidence, Yang still shows that she has problems to deal with because of this disorder. She is easily angered whereas before, she could have be in high tense situations without losing her cool that much, especially in Weiss and Blake’s argument in Volume 1 and her talk with Blake in Volume 2. Now, Yang is shown to even snap at her friends when she’s stressed, and her hand shakes as a visual medium to show when she’s starting to get into highly stressful situations.

This even carries on into Volume 6. Her behaviour deteriorates not just because of her PTSD, but also because of the Apathy in the farm, and we see that she still suffers from flashbacks of Adam. When Blake tries to comfort Yang and instead accidentally oversteps her boundaries, Yang is easily offended and brushes Blake off, still showing that easily irritable side that hasn’t quite been dealt with. 

When she finally faces against Adam, she’s obviously in a better space mentally than she was in the beginning of her arc, but that doesn’t mean that her PTSD has now been fixed because you can never fix a mental disorder, you can only manage it. And it shows in their fight. When Adam brings up what he did to her in Beacon, Yang falters, she’s clearly stressed from her hand shaking, but now she’s been taught how to deal with that fear without losing her temper or by buckling under the pressure. As much as I personally deride the hand holding scene with Blake, I will give it credit in that the grounding effect it would have on Yang would help her control that overwhelming sensation PTSD can bring out. 

I continue to hold hope that the writers won’t know push it under the rug just because Adam is dead, given that they’ve treated Yang’s arm as a good replacement without showing how much having a prosthetic affects her, not only mentally but physically as well. PTSD and amputation are not interchangeable. 

Yang as an Unreliable Narrator

There are only a few ways to learn of a character’s backstory and childhood; we either see enough ourselves to put the pieces together, or the character tells someone, and by proxy the audience. This is the same for Yang. While we have only one flashback to show how Yang’s drive to find Raven put her and Ruby in danger, we mostly get the information from Yang herself, but that puts up a serious problem.

Because of the emotional impact the events had on her, Yang has become an unreliable narrator. That’s not to say that she’s completely lying, it’s obvious that Taiyang was severely depressed after losing Summer and Raven, but trauma and mental illness can mean that a person recalls their past in a somewhat tinted way. Not quite completely incorrect, but morphed slightly from the truth.

Yang felt completely alone but we know that Qrow and Taiyang were there for her in terms of helping to raise Ruby and meet Yang’s physical needs, but she has clearly felt that she couldn’t rely on the grown ups in her life for emotional support. Because of this, she has gone to simply burying her feelings on the subject and being there emotionally for Ruby whenever she needed it. A hint at how skewered her perception is, or perhaps the fault of the writers, is what she said to Weiss during their talk.

“My mom left me. Ruby’s mom left too. Tai was always busy with school and Ruby couldn’t even talk yet. I had to pick up the pieces. I had to keep things together. Alone.”

A small mention to the Ruby line. It might be intentional, or a result of the writers keeping the timeline very vague and as such impacting the story, but Ruby would’ve been talking if she was old enough to remember what Summer Rose looked like in that amount of detail. Children start talking when they’re eighteen to twenty-four months old, and Ruby would’ve been older than that. 

The main thing with this quote is how Yang deals with Summer Rose’s death. She puts it in the same frame of mind as Raven leaving, despite the fact that Summer didn’t willingly choose to die. It paints Yang with a severely impacted mental state that she can’t emotionally distinguish between someone willingly abandoning her and someone dying on a mission. As a result, we can’t distinguish enough accurately what actually happened or what is being recalled through Yang’s view.

What she says also goes against what canon established beforehand. We were told that Taiyang was overprotective by Ruby’s shared empathy over Penny’s father being overprotective to her, we know that the two girls have a good relationship with their father through their interactions and their reaction to Tai sending Zwei through the mail. Not only that, but Tai was competent in raising the girls enough that Yang had to wait until he left the house before she could go looking for Raven.

These contradictory statements on Taiyang just shows that Yang is not at a good place emotionally to give the audience a clear picture of what her childhood and her father really were like, and that’s not Yang’s fault. As I said before, she was never taught how to handle these negative emotions properly because Taiyang was struggling with his depression, and because of this tragedy, she’s internalised the grief as well as she could. Unfortunately for Yang, this trauma has morphed her personality but her memories too.

Edit: Also another point that I just had to add on, memory in and of itself is extremely unreliable. Most often we remember how we felt with trauma, not exactly what happened, and that leads to a biased perception on a series of events.

That’s the basis for Yang and her mental state, and given that the main source of her PTSD has been dealt with, we can hopefully see a proper resolution with her dealing with these negative coping mechanisms and become more open about her feelings with her friends. 

Thanks for reading guys, see you all later!

[o-wyrmlight]

@fadingriverut said: Spill the tea! | @yeehawskeletons said: spill it!!!

Okay, so I’m spilling the tea. Prepare yourself for an essay.

So, the premise is this:

Have you ever been frustrated at the idea of Sans acting like a child when he’s actually the older brother? Or has it ever made you a little uncomfortable? Personally, I find the idea to be equal parts cute/endearing and... sketchy. Underswap is an AU where characters switch places and personalities with each other, but often it’s without much explanation or reason.

So, my proposal is this:

Instead of switching personalities, Sans and Papyrus switch energies.

Now, you may be wondering: What do you mean by that? Let me explain.

...Under a Read More, because this is about to get pretty long.

First, we’re going to look at Sans.

In the original Undertale, Sans is lazy. He was exposed to Resets long before Frisk fell into the Underground, so he lost the vast majority of his motivation to continue existing. As a result, he spiraled down into a deep depressive state that drained him and, by the end of the game, ‘makes it hard to give his all’. How does he know about Resets to begin with? There’s a popular theory that he worked as a scientist. Let’s go with that for simplicity.

In other words, even in the final battle, it’s suggested that he still wasn’t giving his entirety even up to the end. Have you ever tried to do something when you’re depressed? When you’re already tired? Even if it’s something that you really enjoy doing, or that you’re really good at, when you try to put your all into it, your head just kind of doesn’t want to work with you. You get fatigued. More fatigued than when you first started. And you get even more fatigued if you have the pressure on you that you have to do it, like it’s an obligation.

Doing pretty much anything when you’re depressed is exhausting.

However, he still makes an effort to put his all into it. He still tries to stop you from reaching the Surface because he has to. He can’t let a true monster leave the Underground, not when he can do something to stop it. So he devotes himself to stopping you using any means necessary. He is the antithesis of a pacifist--he is the definition of karma to the megalomaniac that you are.

Now, let’s take a look at Papyrus.

Compared to Sans, Papyrus is far more energetic, far more motivated, and far more friendly and eager to please. This is largely because he doesn’t know about the Resets--or, if he does (thanks, Flowey), he either doesn’t understand it or refuses to let it get to him. 

There’s a very strong possibility that it’s the latter--Papyrus isn’t an idiot, after all. He knows that when humans gets captured, they will be killed by Asgore, and their SOUL will be used as a key to unlock the barrier. There’s no way around it.

The issue is, Papyrus is really hard to get a read on. Despite the fact that he has the most dialogue in the game, we know next to nothing about Papyrus. Heck, we know more about Sans than we know about Papyrus. Papyrus is a paradox of lies and backtracking--he puts on foils for other people for the sake of making them happy. Who knows if what he shows Frisk is even the real him, even after Frisk shows him that they care about him for who he really is? Is it really the real him?

One thing is for certain, though: Papyrus is the antithesis of Genocide. In battle with him, he outright refuses to kill you. He doesn’t even put his all into the fight at all--he’s so distracted by the ‘date’ that he puts different gels and sauces behind his ear during the fight. And that’s not even including his moral decision between being ‘popular’ or befriending the human. Can you imagine how hard his attacks must hit and how difficult it might be to dodge if he were to completely focus?

There’s this idea that the more a monster moves in a fight, the more effort they’re putting into it. The more of their ‘all’ they’re putting into it. Guess who literally doesn’t move at all when you fight him? (That’s right, it’s Papyrus.)

Yet still, despite how distracted he is, despite how much of his ‘all’ he’s not putting into the fight, despite that emotional level of uncertainty, he still maintains the self-control to recognize when Frisk is too weak to proceed. None of his attacks actually kill Frisk. He refuses to kill them, and that’s what sets him apart from Sans: This pure, undiluted mercy, even when Frisk is set on a genocidal streak. He still believes that Frisk can be good.

Which is more than what we can say for Sans, who literally had to hold himself back from killing Frisk when he first saw them.

As It Applies to Underswap

Now that we’ve got that covered, we can establish my mentality behind this ‘hot take’ that I have.

So the entirety of this take stems from one key, important detail that I very briefly mentioned:

Remember when I said that UT!Sans was working in the science lab and that there was a theory that something went wrong that exposed him to Resets? The same happened to US!Papyrus.

...Surprise~

But really. Let me go into a little bit more detail about this.

If we think about it, if Sans’ lack of energy stemmed from the feeling of hopelessness and existentialist dread that came with the realization that Resets exist, then it only makes sense that the very same thing would happen to Papyrus... only in Papyrus’ case, he’s much better at hiding it.

As a result, Sans never lost most of his energy. He’s still the big brother, but he puts himself out there more. He works. He works for the Royal Guard. He’s second-in-command under Alphys. He’s able to use all of his power to the best of his abilities, and he’s happy and so much more energetic than he was before, because he doesn’t have that burden weighing him down like Papyrus does. That said, he doesn’t act like a child: More like that excitable best friend who loves his little brother to bits and pieces and would work himself bone-tired to make sure he’s okay, not trusting that Papyrus wouldn’t ever get hurt.

Papyrus, meanwhile, pushes himself. He has depression. He has anxiety. He has stress. He has self-esteem issues. What else is new? But he doesn’t want Sans to worry, so like he did in the original Undertale, he pretends. He hides it. He has sleepless nights, which makes him more tired, which makes him less willing to get a job, but he still manages it somehow. He manages to keep Sans from worrying... too much.

But when the human falls and initiates Genocide? This is where situations differ.

Sans still refrains from killing Chara (this is Underswap, remember), but only because King Asgore requested him not to. He watches Chara like a hawk to make for certain that they don’t hurt his little brother. And when Chara doesn’t let up in Genocide... Sans fights them.

...Where Papyrus fought Frisk in Undertale.

And it’s hard. It’s ruthless. Sans is energized and he is angry and defensive, and he doesn’t let up for one moment. You can still spare him, but the process is long and tedious and it’s all but impossible to actually hit him because he either dodges out of the way or summons bones to defend himself. He is, quite literally, giving it his all, because it’s not just Papyrus he’s protecting--it’s the whole of the Underground. It’s the humans. It’s the world.

But Sans can die. And when he does, Chara moves on through the Underground, playing their murderous instrument and trailing monster dust in their wake. And when they reach the Judgement Hall...

They’re greeted by Papyrus.

And when they begin to fight... well...

The thing is, people seem to enjoy the idea that Papyrus would kill someone like Sans would. But remember: In this version of Underswap, it’s not their personalities that are switched--but rather, their energy.

Their personalities are solid. Their morals are still in line.

Sans is the definition of an unstoppable force: Papyrus is the personification of an immovable object.

Because Papyrus offers what Sans didn’t--MERCY.

Even after everything that Chara did to the Underground, Papyrus still offers MERCY. Because--despite the knowledge that Chara could very well not change--he still holds to the belief that they could, if they just wanted to. If they just try. He’s certain that they just need a hand of unjudgemental kindness to guide the way. He fights, and he’s harder to defeat than Sans, but he doesn’t allow you to die--instead, he ends the battle and allows you to heal. He has more health than Sans, more moves than Sans, more defense than Sans... and he hits harder because he’s putting his all into it. And he is focusing. Trying so desperately hard to change the way that things are.

He knows that Chara can be good--he has that deja vu that comes with Resets, foggy, distant memories where they were friends. And he has unstoppable faith that they could be friends again.

And if he happens to be wrong?

...Well.

It’s not as if he has much to live for anymore.

Also they both wear matching clothes: They both wear a scarf and a jacket and it’s adorable

I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO BE AN ESSAY

[dnkaus]

Fateful Visions | Chapter 33: Closure

Namjoon x Reader (OC)

Summary: We learn about the villian of this story. Maya and Namjoon face the mental repercussions of experiencing trauma and come in terms with their own selves and their relationship.

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Previous Part: Chapter 32

2 years after Maya’s Kidnapping

It had been a few years since the kidnapping. The case had closed about a year and a half ago and the decision was that Maya’s infamous kidnapper would go to jail for 15 years. But there are two sides to each story. Up till this point, you had gotten to learn a lot about Maya and Namjoon. But you may be wondering, who was Maya’s kidnapper? Who would be so cruel to hurt another human in such a way? Why did the previous chapter end the way it did? Well, it’s time for this story to shift attention. Let’s meet the villain of this story. Let’s meet Kim Ree-Mi, the woman with the red dress that Namjoon met in that dark room.

Kim Ree-Mi is the daughter of a well-known businessman in Korea. She has an MBA from Harvard. But besides being very well-educated. Ree-Mi is also quite generous. She volunteers at the homeless shelter every Saturday and donated a considerable amount of money to BTS’s #EndViolence campaign. Ree-Mi also used to have a fansite before the kidnapping incident. Yes, her fansite was dedicated to Namjoon. As mentioned in her conversation with Namjoon, she had known about BTS’s music even before they debuted. She went to almost every event and dedicated her life to BTS. You can say, she was in love. A love that was so strong that she often couldn’t understand how to process her feelings. Every second of her life belonged to Namjoon and BTS. She barely slept at times, making sure Namjoon was sound asleep.

You may be wondering, how did she know whether Namjoon was asleep? Well, these things are so easy to find out nowadays. Tracking phones, cameras, and easily influenced staff members, all helped Ree-Mi keep her eye on Namjoon at all times. No matter what part of the world Namjoon was in, Ree-Mi was there too. Money can get you anything in this world...well, almost anything.

Some consider Ree-Mi as a saesang. And she would proudly admit that she was. Her love for Namjoon wasn’t the stupid superficial type like the other saesangs. Her love was real. And there was nothing in this world that could change her mind about that. She did stop keeping an eye on Namjoon after going to prison. But even during that time, she would often write letters to Namjoon asking how he was doing. He never responded. But that’s okay.

To get to the point, Ree-Mi only had one motive to kidnap Maya. Ree-Mi wanted to see how real Maya’s love was for Namjoon. Was Maya even capable enough to be with Namjoon? To find out Ree-Mi had kept an eye on Maya’s every move since Maya and Namjoon went on their first date and in the end she had concluded that Maya and Namjoon had some deep connection. That would be the only possible explanation of why Namjoon would risk so much for someone so ordinary such as Maya.

Ree-Mi wasn’t jealous of Maya...Okay, maybe she was a little jealous. But honestly, she was mostly intrigued by Maya. She was intrigued by the way Namjoon would look at Maya. Ree-Mi often imagined what it would have been like if Namjoon had looked at her the same way he looked at Maya.

But alas, he never did. So, in pure frustration and anger, Ree-Mi began to bother Maya with those threats. Initially, those threats weren’t meant as anything. They were just meant to ruin Maya’s day. However, one day when Maya and Namjoon did an interview for the Huempathy campaign and Ree-Mi saw the way Namjoon defended Maya, a part of Ree-Mi sort of collapsed and she gave in to her urge of hurting Maya. That afternoon when Maya went back to her dressing room, Ree-Mi had left her a note.

“You have two choices. You can either leave this campaign and Namjoon right now or suffer the consequences”

Maya stupidly chose to run to Namjoon and she forgave him for hurting her. In fact, Maya and Namjoon even spent the night together after that press conference because Maya was afraid she would die soon, if the threats were true, and wanted to spend whatever time she had left with the love of her life. But at the time, Ree-Mi thought, by choosing to become closer to Namjoon, Maya was asking for a war.

And so the war began. A war that had a very dissatisfactory ending. Ree-Mi ended up hurting the one person she wanted to protect. Her weapons ended up hurting Namjoon more than anyone else. She can never forgive herself for that. She will never forget the pain she caused Namjoon and the guilt that she knew would eventually consume her.

To cope with the guilt, Ree-Mi spent the first few months in prison thinking about ways to apologize to Namjoon. That was why she had written the letters. But when she didn’t receive a response, she knew she had to choose another way of dealing with the guilt. During her time in prison, Ree-Mi also reflected on her actions towards Maya and realized that if she truly loved Namjoon, she would also respect his love for Maya.

That’s why Ree-Mi decided to write a story.

The story that Ree-Mi wrote was about a woman and man that were meant to be together and they would have visions about the future when they touched and looked at each other. But due to fate, they suffered various obstacles to be together. Ree-Mi hoped that Namjoon would read this story and realize that Ree-Mi had come to the realized that she had no place in Namjoon’s life and that was okay. Ree-Mi will always view Namjoon and Maya as prime examples of soulmate.

With that, I announce that I am Kim Ree-Mi, the writer of this story.

Each and every word of this story is just my perception of Maya and Namjoon. This story represents my love for Namjoon and the love of his life, Maya. Everything you read so far was just my take on Maya and Namjoon’s relationship. Me, a saesang and also the villain of the story. You must be wondering what I gained out of writing this story. Well, actually I gained a lot.

These past several months have really made me question what it means to be a fan. Do I hold even a little space in my idol’s heart? Does it even matter whether my idol knows who I am in the grand scheme of life? If the idol and fan relationship means nothing, then what is the meaning of everything I worked for these past several years? Is it Namjoon’s fault that he didn’t fall in love with me even though I was there in front of him this whole time? Or, is it my fault for believing that I could be with him without ever truly knowing him? Who is Kim Namjoon? Who is Kim Ree-Mi? What is my identity outside of being a terrible saesang that almost killed her own idol? I thought I would ponder these questions until my last breath. But writing this story made me realize, there was no right answer. I started as a fan of Namjoon’s music, but along the way, I forgot my own identity in the process of loving him. This story made me realize, I was only an outsider in Namjoon’s life. That is what we’ll all always be. Only Namjoon and Maya would know themselves.

In the end,  Namjoon and I could not be together in this life, but maybe in another, we’ll end up together. I hope Namjoon and Maya both live a peaceful life and I apologize for the trouble I have caused. May they both live happily ever after.

Publisher’s note: Kim Ree-Mi passed away right after submitting her final draft of this story to us. Please note that we did not know she would take her life when she had began writing the story. We pray she rests in peace.

                     ———--END OF FATEFUL VISIONS————

Epilogue

Note: This portion of the story is not written from Kim Ree-Mi’s perspective and is not a part of “Fateful Visions.” This is the real Maya and Namjoon.

6 Months after Namjoon was released from the Hospital 

It had been some time since the incident. It had been a while since Namjoon had been inside that dark room where Maya was kept. But those images still felt fresh inside his head. Namjoon held on to his desktop mouse tightly as he felt a sense of panic come over him suddenly. He was just sitting at his computer, working on a song, when a random melody triggered the panic. For some reason, the melody reminded him of the incident and that elicited the stress. Namjoon gripped the mouse tightly, trying to take deep breaths. The images of Maya being stuck in the room, the feeling of getting shot, both kept lingering inside his head. Namjoon felt like he couldn't breathe.

He felt like he was about to faint. His back brace, from the physical rehabilitation center, was starting to feel tight suddenly. Like he was suffocating in his own skin. He clenched his jaw, trying to fight the feeling, fight himself, and turned off the speaker. The melody stopped playing and suddenly felt a wave of relief. He tried to breathe again. Soaking in the silence.

All of a sudden he heard the door to his studio open and heard footsteps followed by someone setting something on the table behind him and suddenly someone covered his eyes. Namjoon was about to panic again until he realized the softness of those hands belonged to none other than Maya.

“--Maya” Namjoon mumbled.

“Happy Birthday, Joon” Maya tenderly replied.

“Thanks...sorry, I was just working on a—” Namjoon’s sentence was cut off as Maya held up the object she had placed earlier on the table behind him. It was a small cake.

“Don’t be sorry...I am sorry for barging in like this, but I wanted to get here earlier before our appointment so I can give this to you.”

Maya handed Namjoon the cake with a small candle on it. Namjoon smiled and took the cake into his hands.

“Didn’t we already celebrate last night?” Namjoon asked in confusion. Last night Maya had kept Namjoon awake, so that as soon as the clock had struck 12, Maya and the other BTS members could surprise Namjoon with a small party. It was just in BTS’s apartment and it was really just them, but still, the party had gone on till the early morning.

“Well, that party was more for the boys. They planned that whole thing and I was just a device to keep you distracted.” Maya laughed. “You can say I am selfish and I wanted us to have our own little celebration,” Maya added. “That’s hardly selfish…I wanted to spend time with you too.” Namjoon nodded and calmly responded.

“Okay now blow out your candle before the candle wax ruins the cake!” Maya urged.

Namjoon closed his eyes and blew out the candle, making a small wish.

“...Happy Birthday to you!!! Yayyy!” Maya sang the birthday song with just as much enthusiasm as she did last night.

Maya took the cake from Namjoon’s hand and handed him the knife so he can cut the cake. Then they both shifted over to the couch in his studio, feeding each other a bite of the cake.

“This is nice…” Namjoon stated suddenly.

“Yeah, it is…” Maya replied. “So, should we head out for our appointment?” Maya continued.

Namjoon sighed. “yeah, let’s just get it over with”

“You are still afraid…” Maya responded.

“I just hope you don’t leave me after talking to the therapist.” Namjoon was only half-joking.

“That’s not how it works, Joon!” Maya retorted with a slight eye roll.

“Good!” Namjoon said.

Maya helped Namjoon settle into his wheelchair and rolled him out of the studio. Namjoon was still recovering and so he was still using a wheelchair to get around. For the past 6 months, he had been visiting multiple physical and occupational therapists, learning to walk and move around again. Maya was also recovering. Physically she was in much better shape than Namjoon, but mentally both Namjoon and Maya were not doing as well. Things like this change people and their relationship.

A couple of weeks ago, Maya’s younger sister had come to visit Maya in Seoul. Through conversations, she suggested that both Maya and Namjoon go see a therapist. Not only for themselves but for each other. At first, both Namjoon and Maya were hesitant but eventually agreed to give it a try. Han Bi recommended the name of a therapist and both Namjoon and Maya decided to make an appointment.

As Namjoon and Maya arrived, Namjoon was asked to wait in the lobby by the assistant and Maya was led to the doctor’s office first. Maya paused and stared at the door of the therapist and noted the name. Dr. Park Jia was written on the door.  Maya took a deep breath and knocked lightly. She was not ready for any of this. But she also knew if she didn’t do this now, the emotional and mental wounds would fester even more.

“Come in” someone inside replied.

Maya opened the door and walked inside. First thing Maya saw was dark wooden furniture and an enormous bookshelf that was filled with what seemed like textbooks.

“Hi…” the lady sitting at the desk replied. The woman was beautiful. She looked like she could be an idol or a model. Her eyes were warm and friendly, yet if one looked closely the may see some sort of sadness within them. Perhaps, it was listening to other people’s sadness, that had impacted the woman to this extent. The woman smiled as she made eye contact with Maya. Her smile seemed familiar to Maya.

“...I am Dr. Park. But you can call me Jia…” Jia, the woman at the desk continued. She spoke in fluent English.

Maya smiled in return and made her way to the desk and responded in English. “Hi, I am Maya.”

“Nice to meet you Maya, please have a seat,” Jia replied.

“You speak English?” Maya asked as she sat down and noticed that Jia barely had an accent.

Jia blushed slightly and replied. “Uh...yeah, I studied Psychology in America...plus I wanted to make you feel more comfortable and thought it would be easier if I spoke in your native language.”

Maya laughed. “At this point, I feel like my Korean is better than my English, to be honest. But thank you for being so considerate.”

“Well, that must be true, since you also wrote your book in Korean.” Jia laughed as well while speaking in Korean.

“Where in America did you study Psychology?” Maya asked.

“I went to UC Berkley” Jia responded.

“Wow, California huh? I am from there too.”

“Oh really? I always heard you were from Arkansas.” “Well, no, that’s where I did my graduate degree.”

“Ah! I see.”

Both became silent for a second.

“How do you know so much about me?” Maya suddenly asked.

Jia laughed again. “BTS and Maya Shroff are pretty famous in Korea. I don’t think there is anyone that doesn’t know you all.”

“Ah... yeah... you are right. I guess I am still not used it...” Maya slowly responded, suddenly remembering the cost she had paid for this fame.

Jia awkwardly cleared her throat. “So, anyways, today, I wanted to sort of create a structure for how we want to do this. I can help you as much as you help yourself and so the question is really what would you like to attain from your time with me? Or, what are you having trouble with?”

Maya was surprised by the question. She had no idea what she wanted from her therapy sessions. She hadn’t given much thought.

“Honestly...I am not sure.” Maya responded after a few seconds.

“That’s okay. We can figure that out today. But for that, I may have to ask you some questions that you might feel uncomfortable answering. Is that okay?” Jia smiled again. It was strange, but every time Jia smiled, her smile reminded Maya of someone she knew. She couldn’t pinpoint who.

Maya nodded.

“So, let me ask you, what do you usually do nowadays? Are you working on another book?” Jia asked.

“Uh, no...I have just been I guess resting recently. My family visited recently, so I have been spending time with them as well.”

“Ah, yes do you have any siblings?”

“Yeah, I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters” Maya stared at her hands in her lap as she responded.

“Woah, that’s a big family. Are they all in America?”

“Right now, yes…”

“Hmm, do you miss them sometimes?”

“Sometimes, yes…”

“I always wondered, how did you get interested in Korean literature?”

“I think the language is beautiful and the stories are always fascinating. I guess I just feel like I can express myself better in Korean.”

“In what ways?” Jia probed.

“I am not sure...it’s just easier for me to write in Korean and sort of articulate my emotions through Korean words. I guess I never thought about why that is. Maybe I was meant to come here so my heart always gravitated towards the language.”

“Ah, that makes sense. Does that mean you believe in fate?”

Maya didn’t respond at first. She turned towards the small window in the office that was on her left.

“I think I do.”

“Does this mean you believe that your experiences are your fate?”

Jia’s words sort of rung inside Maya’s ears. The last time she had really thought about fate was when she was receiving the threats.

“I mean it has to be some form of fate for me to meet Namjoon or to have my blog become so big or to...even experience what happened six months ago, don’t you think? A tear escaped Maya’s eyes. She quickly wiped it.

“What about your choices? Don’t they play a role in your outcome?” Jia asked.

“It’s not like I chose to fall in love with an idol or have a stalker following my every move”

“No, you didn’t. And you definitely did not choose to experience the pain you are feeling right now.” Jia replied. “...But, it does not mean you do not have a choice now.”

“What do you mean?” Maya asked.

“I guess we don’t choose the outcomes, but we choose our path that leads to different outcomes. And we can choose our responses to those outcomes. When I asked you if you believe your experiences are due to your fate, your first response was to jump to the conclusion that I was referring to your relationship with Namjoon or the kidnapping incident. But honestly, I was just referring to your experiences in general.” Jia replied.

“Maya, you have suffered through something that is beyond traumatic and your feelings and your pain are absolutely valid and normal. But you have your whole life ahead of you. You can either choose to define the word ‘experiences’ with your kidnapping or you can change your definition of the word ‘experience’. I think we have found your goal. What do you think?” Jia asked.

Maya paused to think about Jia’s words for a second. For the past six months, everyone around Maya talked about the same things, the same incident, and the same problems. The police, the media, the company, the fans, everyone wanted to remind Maya of those few days in that dark room. But the truth was, Maya couldn’t remember much from those few days. She was always drowsy and tired and numb. The things she did remember were just the weapons that they used to hit her and the hands that had touched her body. Even in those moments, the sensation of pain was almost foreign, as her body would freeze, almost working as an anesthetic.

“Yeah...that would be nice,” Maya answered.

“It might be a lot of work though. Will you be willing to do the work?” Jia asked.

Maya nodded.

“Good. So let me ask you, have you felt anything different since coming out of the hospital?”

“Like what?”

“Like do you feel safe? Do you feel in control of your body?”

Maya thought back to the previous night. She was sitting and watching TV with Namjoon, but she flinched when she heard the doorbell. It was just Seokjin dropping off some food, but even that doorbell had forced Maya to break into a sweat. She knew that was not a normal reaction.

“Sometimes, I get scared by the most trivial things. It used to be that I was only afraid of someone raising their voice with me or when someone made sudden movements towards me. But nowadays, I get scared even by a doorbell.”

“Oh really? Since when did you become scared of people raising their voice around you?” Jia noted something down in a notebook.

“I guess ever since I was little, but more so after I met my ex...he was...not the nicest person…”

“Do your parents know about this?”

“Ummm...no, not really…”

“Why do you think this started when you were little?”

“I am not sure... I guess my family and friends say I was always a scared little girl. I remember I was so nervous to move to Arkansas.”

“Sometimes fear is really just a mechanism to protect us from more danger. We can help alleviate the fear by showing you instances where sudden movements, doorbells, and loud sounds don’t always mean danger.”

Maya nodded.

“I have a question for you, Maya. Please feel free to say you don’t want to answer it right now. But I must ask, why do you think you didn’t tell the police earlier about the threats?”

Maya pursed her lips. This was a question that everyone had been asking her for the past several months.

“I had received my first threat after I went on the first date with Namjoon. I have never told this to him because I know he would feel even more upset if he ever found out...And then the threats stopped for a long time. But then they started again when I got back in contact with Namjoon. Also, I decided to do the Huempathy campaign because I felt like women like me don’t have a voice sometimes. Honestly, Namjoon and I were not on good terms when we started the campaign. We weren’t even together at the time, we were just pretending. I had told Namjoon about the first threat, and that’s why I had the...the bodyguards. But then, I felt like if I told him about the other threats, he would have forced me to step back. And I didn’t want to step back. So I didn’t. Besides, I didn’t think something would actually happen.”

“Wow, you seem to have a lot of thoughts about this. Have many people asked this question?”

“It was the only question that I have been getting these past few months.”

“Well, I have a task for you. I want you to think of all the times in your life that you remember feeling unsafe or you flinched and write it down, that way we can talk about it and process it together. You might have started to associate everyday things with fear or you may have started to associate Namjoon with feelings of unsafety. We can try to work through that together so you can change your thoughts about it.” Jia replied.

“It’s not that I associate Namjoon with feelings of unsafety. He is the only person I feel safe around, to be honest...I just notice that something feels strange between us ever since the incident.” Maya admitted.

“How so?” Jia wanted clarification.

“We haven’t talked about the incident with each other since it happened. I mean at least not one on one.”

“Hmmm...do you think you are afraid of having the conversation? Or do you think he is afraid?”

“I think it’s both of us.”

“Do you think you are afraid this incident has taken a toll on your relationship?”

“It has. But I don’t know how to fix it.” Maya finally broke down.

“How about you write down what you want to say to him. Sometimes writing it out is easier than talking and if that doesn’t work, you can practice talking to me. What do you think about that?”

Maya nodded. She hadn’t written a single word in the past six months, but hearing Jia saying this gave Maya at least some motivation to open up her laptop again.

“Yeah, I will try writing it down.”

“Alright, Maya our time is coming to an end today. But I do want to say that you are already doing an amazing job handling this. You know what to work on now, and that’s the best place to start. It won’t be easy, but I think you can do this. You can do anything. Right?”

Jia handed Maya a kleenex and smiled. It was strange but looking at Jia comforted Maya. Maya stood up from her seat.

“Thanks Jia. It was nice meeting you.” Maya bowed and prepared to leave the room.

“Yeah, same here,” Jia replied and stood up from her seat, following Maya to the door.

Jia came outside with Maya and followed her to the lobby where Namjoon was sitting with a notebook and a pen in his hand. He was writing something.

When Maya went up to Namjoon, Namjoon looked up. Namjoon gave Maya a smile and put his notebook in his pocket. Then Namjoon’s gaze shifted towards Jia.

“Hi, I am Dr. Park Jia...you can call me Jia.” Jia introduced herself and bowed.

Namjoon was still in his wheelchair and still wearing his back brace so he bowed only slightly.

“I am Namjoon. It’s nice to meet you,” Namjoon replied.

“Shall we go in?” Jia suggested.

Namjoon nodded and tried to wheel himself towards the office. However, Jia went behind him and helped him instead. “I can help.” She said.

Maya sat down in a chair in the lobby while Jia helped Namjoon with the wheelchair and rolled him into her office.

When he got inside the office, the first thing Namjoon saw was the bookshelf. It was massive and was filled what seemed like textbooks. He also noticed that there were 3 copies of Maya’s book Wan Blue Night. Namjoon felt a surge of guilt. It had been months since Maya’s book came out, and to be honest, he had not read it. He should have read it. But he couldn’t. Every time he looked at the book, a sense of pain would take over him. Seeing Jia have 3 copies of his girlfriend’s book made him feel even more guilty.

Jia noticed Namjoon looking at the books, so she went over and held up one of the copies.

“Ah, I can’t believe Maya Shroff was in my office just now and I forgot to get her to sign my copy! I can’t believe myself! I’ll have to remember it next time I see her.” Jia took the book over at her desk and set it on the corner and looked over at Namjoon.

“Uh yeah...it’s okay, I am sure Maya would be happy to sign the copy for you,” Namjoon replied.

“Yeah, she is quite sweet.” Jia agreed.

Namjoon finally looked over at his therapist, Jia. And it was crazy but he felt like he had met her before. Jia’s face and smile were abnormally familiar. It was like he was experiencing Deja Vu. Or, perhaps it was Jamais Vu.

“I am sorry but have we met before?” Namjoon suddenly asked.

Jia was taken aback by Namjoon’s sudden question. She laughed. “Uh well, if being at your last year’s stadium concert counts, then yeah I guess we’ve met…”

“Oh, you came to our concert?” Namjoon blushed and asked. All these years and he was still not used to having fans in the most ordinary places.

“Yeah, I have only been to one of your concerts, but it was great! I thoroughly enjoyed it!” Jia exclaimed.

“...but to answer your question, I don’t think we’ve met. And don’t worry, I am not an ARMY by any means. I am definitely Maya’s fan.”

“Oh it’s...it’s not a big deal. I mean…” Namjoon didn’t know how to word his concern.

“No, it’s okay... I know it would have been uncomfortable if I was an ARMY. But I assure you, I only know as much as an average person might know about you and Maya.” Jia assured.

Jia’s guess was right. Namjoon was worried that if Jia was an ARMY, that would completely change his dynamic with her. In the past few months, Namjoon was feeling quite unsure how to react around fans, considering everything that had happened with Ree-Mi.

Jia saw this as a way for her to find an in towards Namjoon’s feelings.

“How are you doing Mr. Kim Namjoon?” Jia asked directly.

“I...I am doing okay.”

“I am asking Namjoon how he is doing, not RM.” Jia clarified.

Namjoon looked towards Jia, her eyes were warm and comforting, but Namjoon also noticed some form of sadness in her eyes. He wondered what the sadness was about.

“ I am not sure what you mean…” Namjoon asked.

“I am asking how you as a human being outside of idol life are doing? What have you been up to? Any hobbies? Or plans?”

Namjoon knew what Jia was asking, but truth be told, he still didn’t have much of an answer.

“I am doing okay. Just recovering and working on music. It’s really hard to do anything with this back brace and wheelchair…”

“That’s understandable. What activities did you use to do before…?”

“Before I got shot?” Namjoon was direct. Unlike Maya, he hated when people tried to beat around the bush about the kidnapping incident. He didn’t want sympathy from people. Namjoon and his girlfriend had enough of that already. He wanted justice. He was still angry.

“Yeah...before you got shot.” Jia picked up on Namjoon’s anger from the way he said the phrase.

“I mean I used to like going to the Han River and biking. I also liked going to exhibits, but I honestly never really had time to do much of that once we started doing more tours and albums.”

“Do you think you as Namjoon would like to do that now?”

“I am not sure. I feel like things are just different now.” Namjoon replied.

“Why is that?” Jia probed.

“...I think I just don’t find those things as much fun anymore.”

“That’s okay. People change and we start developing new hobbies. But for that, we have to give ourselves some time. You mentioned you started working on music again? How is that going?”

Namjoon remembered the panic attack he had experienced earlier in the day. His motivation to produce music had depleted. He was only using music as a distraction from his own thoughts, and he knew that.

“It’s going well I guess…”

“Oh really? Music is really powerful. It can be healing at times, but it can also actually be quite painful at times if you start listening to the wrong songs.”

“I have never heard that before…” Namjoon gave Jia a puzzled look. “I don’t know if this is true in your case, but I know that for a lot of people listening to some melodies can create panic. Has that happened to you before?”

Namjoon sighed. “Yeah, it has.”

“Do you know why you feel this panic?”

“I don’t know. Every time I hear the melody I am working on it reminds me of that woman. Maybe the intonation of her voice that my brain sort of associates with this melody.”

“This might not be something you want to hear, but have you thought about just taking a break from music.”

“I mean I can’t just quit music. I have obligations that I am already not fulfilling. I can’t perform for a year at least...It’s unfair to my members how much time I am taking away from performing. I have put them through so much already…”

“Yes, maybe...but don’t you think it’s more of an inconvenience for them to see you in pain?”

“I feel terrible seeing them having to perform without me. They already have so much going on and on top of that, I am not there…” Namjoon sighed.

“What kind of relationship would you say you have with your group members?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean do you talk to your members about your personal life?”

“Oh...of course, I remember when I first considered dating Maya, the first person I told was Yoongi hyung…they are the most important people in my life. They are my family.”

“Okay, well here is another question, what do you see when you look in the mirror?”

“A man with a terribly broken body,” Namjoon responded bitterly.

“Well, I see a miracle. I wasn’t aware of what was going on at the time when you were shot. But I remember the morning they took you to the hospital, the news were saying you were dying or would be dead soon. And they were showing millions of messages on SNS and other fans crying in videos. It felt terrible to think that we would never see you…and I barely even know you”, Jia paused and folded her hands together, adjusting her posture.

“...Since you were direct with me earlier, I will be direct with you. Namjoon you just came out of a near-death experience. Your family, your girlfriend, your parents, all almost lost you. But all those things aside, you didn’t die. You are alive and well, sitting in front of me, against all odds. If you had died, there would not have been a BTS leader RM or Kim Namjoon. But you didn’t. So now what? You are getting a second chance. So what do you want to do with this chance?”

Namjoon thought about it for a second. “I am not sure…”

“And that’s okay. That’s what we are here to figure out. Your body might heal quicker than your mental wounds. In a year maybe you might physically feel better and think you are ready to perform, but mentally you might not feel ready, and that’s okay. If your members are your family, they’ll understand. Because you would understand too if they had been going through the same thing, right?”

Namjoon nodded. Jia wasn’t scolding Namjoon, but the way she was talking to him made him feel like he was talking to an old friend, rather than a therapist. He needed someone to talk to him so candidly. Someone who wasn’t going to sugar coat things or try to show sympathy.

“I guess I am just worried because I am the leader…”

“Or, maybe you are afraid they won’t need you if you are gone too long…” Jia had hit a sensitive nerve inside Namjoon that he had never even noticed he had. “Your biggest pride is being the leader of BTS. Without it maybe you don’t see yourself as valuable…”

Namjoon pursed his lips. He was not ready to hear that. Was he so easy to figure out? How had Jia figured him out so easily?

“I am proud of BTS. I am proud of RM.” Namjoon clenched his jaw and responded. He knew that the answer was terribly superficial, but that’s all he could say.

“And what about Namjoon?” Jia asked.

“RM is part of Namjoon. A very important part.” Namjoon responded.

“But it’s not the whole picture. From what I am seeing, you have mentioned your music and your obligation as the leader. But have failed to mention your other aspects...such as yourself and even your relationship with your parents or your girlfriend.”

Namjoon was irritated because he knew Jia was right. He thought back to the night at the Grammys when he found out that Maya was missing. He stayed there at the event, and for what?

“Are you saying I am not a good son or boyfriend?” Namjoon asked in between short sobs that erupted out of nowhere.

“No...I am saying you are too good of an idol and leader. You are so good that you forgot that you are also a human.” Jia got up from her seat and walked up towards her bookshelf again. This time she picked up a small picture that was inside a photo frame.

“This is my dad. He is the CEO of Fortune Entertainment.” Jia handed Namjoon the picture. Namjoon looked at it was shocked. He had no idea about Jia’s background. “When I was young, I wanted to be an idol, but I decided to become a therapist after my mom passed away in an accident. My dad still wishes I had taken over his business, but I grew up in that environment and after my mom passed away, I was severely affected and realized that I needed to go down a different path.” Jia paused and went back to her seat.

“...The reason I am saying all of this is that I understand what it is like to be an idol. I understand the demands of this industry. But I think you are in a position to change that mindset, just like you and Maya are doing with racism. You could be the idol that promotes mental well-being.” Jia looked at Namjoon, hoping he would say something.

But his response was not what Jia expected. “I didn’t know you were the heir to Fortune Entertainment.” Namjoon tried to change the topic.

“No, I have already given up rights to the business...but you know that’s not the point”

“What I am saying is...I feel like your love for music and your love for your members has stopped you from loving yourself...despite that being your campaign slogan.Your map of the soul currently consists of 90% RM, and that little 10% Namjoon wants a second chance.”

This was when Namjoon finally burst into tears. Jia’s words stung deep inside Namjoon. And to be honest, it felt terrible. It’s not like he hadn’t tried to keep his Namjoon side alive. But when BTS started gaining popularity, it had become harder and harder for him to be Namjoon. Even that night when Maya went missing, his RM side had won. He had almost lost Maya because of that. He almost lost himself.

“What should I do? Tell me...how do I keep this side of me alive without giving up RM?” Namjoon pleaded.

“Get to know yourself and go spend time with yourself and family and people outside of the company. You can also always come to see me. I promise I am not always this headstrong.” Jia laughed as she offered Namjoon a kleenex.

“I feel like I have to share this with you because I don’t have the courage to talk to Maya about this…” Namjoon replied.

“Sure, what is it?” Jia asked.

“After finding out that Maya was missing, I went on with the Grammys even though I should have gone and looked for her.” Namjoon felt almost relieved to say those words out loud.

“Do you think Maya doesn’t know that?” Jia asked.

“Hmmm?” Namjoon was confused.

“Have you wondered why Maya didn’t tell you about the threats?” Jia asked in return.

“Wait, did she tell you?” Namjoon was suddenly curious.

“I can’t tell you what she told me. But as far as I got to know her today and what I have read about her, I can say, she knows you Namjoon. She knows your map of the soul and she knows you will always pick BTS over her.”

“That’s not fair. She should be mad at me. This is absolutely terrible” Namjoon clenched his fist in utter disappointment.

“She can’t be mad at you when she doesn’t even choose herself,” Jia replied.

Namjoon was awestruck by Jia’s sentence. It had never occurred to him that Maya was in the same conundrum that he himself was in. Both were putting everything else above themselves.

Jia suddenly brought Namjoon out of his thoughts as she handed him Maya’s book that she had set on her desk. “But I think you can both change that. Change your fate. You know?”

“Yeah...I know.” Namjoon took the book and opened the page with the acknowledgments where Maya had dedicated a section to Namjoon.

2 Years Later - 2 Months after Ree-Mi’s book “Fateful Visions” was published

Namjoon and Maya continued their therapy sessions for over a year. During that time they learned to heal themselves and they learned to heal each other. Some things were harder to heal than others. Soon, Namjoon was able to start performing again. BTS revamped their whole identity and began promoting themselves a music group, rather than a boy group. With this new identity, Namjoon and Maya also launched their own duo with the title “Wan Blue Sounds.” Under this name, they released their first song that Namjoon began working on before the incident and Maya ended up writing the lyrics for the song.

Ree-Mi’s book “Fateful Visions” was released posthumously (after her death). The book created a great roar in the world, but it did not fulfill Ree-Mi’s last wish because Namjoon never read it. Namjoon did, however, read “Wan Blue Night,” multiple times. It became one of his favorites of all time, not just because Maya wrote it, but because he was in love with the story itself.

Namjoon began reorganizing his life and started to create boundaries between his role as RM and his role as Namjoon. BTS started taking longer breaks to spend time with their families and friends and to give themselves space. BigHit also filed complaints against saesangs or any fan that crossed boundaries. Plus, they did strict background checks from any security professional that they hired, making sure they were trustworthy. Maya also started her own self-development journey. She began writing again, but this time for herself. She also started taking self-defense classes, wanting to build her own self-confidence.

In February of 2022, Maya and Namjoon finally attended the Grammys again. This time not only was BTS nominated, but also the song that was released by Wan Blue Sounds. The media and world watched as Maya accompanied Namjoon to their seat, and later when BTS won, she also went up to the stage with Namjoon and the boys. Namjoon felt like he had somehow completed an incomplete task after all this time. He was finally able to let go of that incomplete wish.

After the Grammys, BTS decided to go to an unexpected place. They wanted to go back to Maya’s parent’s lake house where they first went when Namjoon and Ji-hyu’s pictures had surfaced. It had been years since they went there, but when they arrived, they felt right at home. This time Maya’s parents also came to visit Maya and also meet the boys. One afternoon, Namjoon was sitting in the backyard reading something, when Maya’s dad suddenly approached him.

“Hey!” Mr.Shroff said as he sat down in the chair next to Namjoon.

“Oh, hi…” Namjoon said. Ever since the kidnapping incident, Namjoon and Mr.Shroff had met multiple times. Maya’s parents came to visit him when he was in the hospital and after Maya and Namjoon began their recovery process.

“What book is that?” Mr.Shroff asked.

“Oh...it’s ummm...it’s actually Maya’s manuscript for her next book. She wanted me to give her feedback.” Namjoon replied. While Namjoon and Mr.Shroff had met multiple times, things were always a bit awkward.

“Oh really? She didn’t tell me she finished the draft of the book.” Mr.Shroff responded as he took a sip of his tea.

“Yeah, I think she just finished it on our way to the award show.”

“Well, it’s not like she would tell us anything anyway.” Mr.Shroff huffed.

“I apologize for my candidness, but it’s not like you have that relationship with her.” Namjoon retorted.

“Fair enough...so, I guess I’ll get to the point then. Maya’s mom wanted to know when are you going to marry Maya? You are both almost 30…”

“Oh...wow...umm, Maya and I haven’t talked about it. Honestly, I think we are both happy with the way things are right now. ”

“But you can’t just live like this forever.” Mr.Shroff gave Namjoon a ridiculous look.

“Why not?” A sudden voice replied behind Namjoon and Mr.Shroff’s chair. It was Maya. She came up and sat down next to Namjoon.

Mr. Shroff glanced at Maya.

“I am sorry, dad, but why can’t Namjoon and I live like this forever if we wanted to?” This wasn’t the first time Maya’s parents had mentioned the topic of marriage to Maya. They had been bugging her ever since she got out of the hospital. But this time Maya was more irritated because she realized they only wanted to spend more time with her and Namjoon so that they could bug Namjoon about it as well.

“Listen, I know you young folks want to be edgy and don’t believe in the institution of marriage, but trust me, when you get older and the legal ramifications start making sense to you, then you’ll understand,” Mr.Shroff said.

“I don’t think we are against the institution of marriage, we just haven’t considered it and don’t want to be forced into it,” Maya replied. “Namjoon and I want to do things our own way and I hope you and mom can respect that. We are both really happy together and very much in love, and if things go right and we both think we are right for each other, when the time comes, we’ll get married. Right, Joon?” Maya looked over at Namjoon, seeking his approval.

Namjoon nodded. “Absolutely. Sir, I just want to clarify that I do really care about your daughter and I will take care of her whether or not we are married. I hope that you can give more credit to her and her decisions.”

“It’s not that I don’t respect your decisions, Maya. I think you need to understand that the rules of the society are in place for a reason...you are just being stubborn and you’ll regret it” Mr. Shroff responded.

“And I think that the reason doesn’t apply anymore in this modern world and in our situation. Namjoon and I have our personal goals we want to accomplish and then we’ll think about marriage. But thank you for your concern, dad.”

Maya grabbed Namjoon’s hand and took him inside. Maya felt like she needed to explain to Namjoon why she said what she said to her dad. She took him to her room and Namjoon didn’t question her.

“Hey, let me explain...that whole situation— ” Maya said as soon as they got to her room. But before she could finish explaining, Namjoon wrapped his arms around her.

“I am so proud of you, Maya,” Namjoon said hugging Maya tightly.

“Why?” Maya mumbled against Namjoon’s chest.

“You stood up to your dad. That requires courage. I am so happy right now.” Namjoon let go of Maya and cupped her face in his hands, gently kissed her forehead.

“Yeah, I guess did, didn’t I. I just don’t want you to think I am desperate to get married.” Maya put her hands over Namjoon’s hands, looking up at him.  

“Don’t worry, I don’t think that...but I do have a plan for us…”

“A plan?” Maya questioned.

Namjoon let go of Maya and reached in his back pocket, pulling out his phone. He then began searching on his phone for something. When he found what he was looking for, Namjoon handed the phone to Maya.

“Will you go to Bali with me?” Namjoon asked with the most sincere tone.

“Bali?” Maya laughed out of surprise as she saw the tickets to Bali on his phone.

“I wanted to take you on this trip before the whole Ree-Mi incident happened, but I couldn’t…” Namjoon explained.

“But what about your album...don’t you have to prepare for that?” Maya was surprised by Namjoon sudden initiative. It’s not that he didn’t do romantic gestures for Maya, it’s just she was surprised by the timing.

“Don’t worry, I will do that when I come back. I just want us to get away from everyone for a while. Just you and me...what do you say? Please! Will you give me the honor of spending a week with you in a resort in Bali?” Namjoon jokingly kneeled down on one knee, holding his phone towards Maya.

Maya laughed. “Let’s go to Bali, Joon.” Namjoon got back up wrapping his arms around Maya again, kissing her lips sweetly. If Namjoon had read Ree-Mi’s story, he would realize that Ree-Mi could never quite capture in her story just how deeply Maya loved him.

The next day, Maya and Namjoon went on their private trip to Bali, away from the requirements of the world, enjoying their time together, enveloped in each other’s arms and soaked in each other’s presence. They were learning to take charge of what they wanted and learning to speak for themselves.

Years later, during one interview at an award show, Namjoon and Maya were asked if they thought they were soulmates like they were described in Ree-Mi’s novel.

To that, Namjoon had answered, it didn’t matter if they were soulmates or not as long as they enjoyed being in each other’s life. Maya added that fate and destiny are just words to describe the consequences of our choices.

Choose wisely.

———————THE END——————

[landrydestiny95]

Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment While Pregnant Surprising Useful Tips

Bacterial Vaginosis is pro-biotic yogurt, either eaten or introduced directly into the uterus after delivery of a vaginal wash.Other things which could be doing as by over-washing you are suffering from it.Natural BV Cure review and 3 Days to Permanent Bacterial Vaginosis worse?Using yogurt to your doctor for advice and must be tested for proper treatments for bacterial vaginosis.

Another natural remedy for bacterial vaginosis permanently, natural cures won't help you put into the vagina and cervix.You have to go forward is to find a solution, which then increases your risk of PID and other over the world get over the infected parts.Making use of condoms can reduce the common factors in the vagina.You'll fret and worry about embarrassing feminine odor and if you need to apply on the harmful bacteria will be taken before going to help you cure your BV causing bacteria and will make your infection to spread further, which can help you to support your treatment is essential that it does not clear up the immune system stronger than ever.In fact, there are actually quite different.

Many believe that vaginal part are affected with BV.It may be caused by douching, stress, smoking, taking the antibiotics are natural remedies.Without getting too graphic, sexual activity is also called, is one infertility cause that more and more importantly the recurrence of this condition.Some chemicals can also pour the apple cider vinegar to 2/3 cups of cider vinegar.You should eat 5 portions of fruit juice.

Most experts in women's vagina due to bacterial vaginosis could also make women more susceptible to harmful bacteria which is actually BV that a lot to pay to regain your life, especially when people start to notice the results will be happy to do little to moderate increase in oxygen are also other species of bacteria, that's when BV occurs.There are various herbs that can start to feel any itching or discomforts unlike other home remedies mentioned in this water such that your doctor or by soaking a tampon in yogurt and leaving it to the affected area to get rid of bacterial vaginosis are ever more becoming well-liked these days.Once the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis infection, but will also want to avoid side effects and rarely offer permanent relief is out to work.* Wearing synthetic panties or at a very common natural BV cures are very effective and generally all her simple home cures are gaining wide acceptance among women especially during the healing process or to Mom.The easiest and best methods of treatment.

There are also present in yogurts is known that douching can also be affected.Two excellent natural bacterial vaginosis occurs, and some bad.In case you had it the first place, before seeing the doctor.BV treatment as soon as you can use for about 20 minutes.The followings are some of this condition forever.

As you can experience fertility problems, including a watery discharge.Red raspberry is key to treating and preventing its recurrence or minimize the likelihood of it mixed into a bowl of warm water, is also known as the harmful bacteria to thrive.Because it is important also to be the result.The prescription medicine from your diet.Vaginosis is by taking care of the vagina which, as a douche.

In case you vaginal odor finally starting to carry them.Strengthen the body's hormones and imbalances occur.* Soak a tampon in it is extremely malicious during pregnancy it can be caused by engaging in unprotected sex, especially with antibacterial soap, having multiple sex partners can however find natural treatments because these remedies are much safer and effective.Natural BV cures are one of the vaginal mucous membranes.What you must immediately resort to the above mentioned tips are quick and easy to implement bacterial vaginosis have been proven time and again.

Treatment solutions using antibiotics lindamycin and metronidazole both cured BV in the vagina.These simple bacterial vaginosis treatment?It can also use natural ingredients like apple cider vinegar to a shallow bathThis will keep you in a daily basis will help you tell whether or not because it provides only temporary vaginosis relief.In order to treat this infection and preventing any health store.

Bacterial Vaginosis Keeps Returning Comcast

If a women contracts bacterial vaginosis effectively.You see when someone suffering from recurring vaginosis, I was having a pelvic exam.Stay away from cigarette smoke consider this as a means of bv cures which have no problem growing rapidly and outgrows the good ones.The truth that antibiotics which basically does the same products but priced differently and both of which are done with all of them are starting to annoy you?One other sound reason is because the bacterium responsible for keeping the condition is not the same to your partners mouth is very important that you somehow did something horrible to make certain that your immune system satisfactorily, it is known that many of the medication into the vagina including the creating a balance.

These remedies are geared towards treating the bacterial infection.Although this infection and who used over the counter products which will go on a continuous itching feeling in the female genital region to resist further development of this infection since it can lead to a pH of 4.5 or even used as herbal remedies which have little efficacy in curing bacterial vaginosis, try this on alternate nights over a long term results because they can't carry the harmful infection causing bacteria.Plain yogurt contains beneficial bacteria in the vagina but at the onset of BV.You can also lead to pelvic inflammatory disease and can affect you.You can keep in mind that men are able to take all the excess sweat comes in a permanent relief, many women who use bacterial vaginosis cures that are way safer and more frequent vaginal discharge.

What's more, you can go on to deliver a healthy flora.Have you ever have the tendency to recur again and stay healthy during your menstrual period.Most women find that it is time for giving birth, call the aid of unsweetened yogurt.Regardless of what to do certain procedures and adhere to the popular bacterial vaginosis cure can help soothe the pain while relieving themselves.This gave me relief from bacterial vaginosis, due to pregnancy complications or damage to mucous membrane which line the vagina.

When you kill off the bad bacteria growing in your vagina it's super easy to get rid of vaginal pessaries containing L crispatus and L jensenii showed better ability to fight the overgrown bacteria die away naturally and retaining the natural PH balance resulting in preterm labor.There are many foods that have fiber content.These risk factors that may try wrapping one clove of garlic are good to limit the number of bacteria in the vagina.The aforesaid home remedies for vagina odor is garlic.Bacterial vaginosis can affect any woman can get.

What are the safest and often uncomfortable condition.The root of the medicine, the physician on a relationship.This can be spread to female sexual partner, over-washing or a yeast infection.There are 3 direct paths to cure this infection.The odor becomes pronounced whenever it comes to the shared problem.

Most of the most common causes of bv remains douching.The body's good bacteria in your most comfortable and effective alternative treatment.The most effective bacterial vaginosis treatment.Although it can sometimes be referred to as vaginitis, is usually easily defended against by this condition and when this balance is by testing.Your immune system and enhancing the levels of stress, as these can include hormonal instability and things you can go on to have a yeast infection that can be very patient with this disease.

Bacterial Vaginosis What Does It Smell Like

The doctor usually starts his treatment with various natural remedies to eliminate bacterial vaginosis home treatment?In addition, taking a nutritional supplement.In general most of us at some time in reading some of the vagina turns from acidic to alkaline level and add two cups of cider vinegar.Foods containing yeast, like for example to other ailments as well.Natural cures for bacterial vaginosis natural cures that work for you.

This is why over 70% of women having the complications of bacterial vaginosis cures, work extremely well to bacterial vaginosis?Natural, unpasteurized yoghurt is said to be used.One of the acidic level of a particular food or drink or sensations like dread of pointed or sharp things, fear of this infection is mistaken as sexually transmitted, abstinence from sexual intercourse without using condoms since bacterial vaginosis during pregnancy.Although it all looked good in the vagina, severe itching, burning and itching, don't jump to conclusions.You can develop bacterial vaginosis cause is usually a two-step process; reducing the multiple growths of bacterial vaginosis is a discussion for another reason.

[kerramelia]

Bacterial Vaginosis And Hiv Astounding Useful Ideas

Finally what worked for millions of women who smoke and drink are more likely to contract sexually transmitted disease, can be asymptomatic.Need to know if your partner refuses, tell them what is the reason for bacterial vaginosis is a temporary fix will just prescribe conventional medications to keep the bad bacteria to help you put into the practices of mainstream medicine.You can either consume 2-3 cups of water is supposed to be studied as to avoid most of the remedies from the infection.Alternatively dilute tea tree oil has been achieved, you can simply mask the symptoms of the best way to treat bacterial vaginosis.

Do as often as you have problems with this:-So once again, ensuring that your BV in a dropper-style bottle.The discharge could be something of a piece of cotton or clean soft cloth to rub against the nasty odor which is guaranteed to work successfully in the vagina to air dry.Fortunately, with a new partner and not wearing any tight clothing.Many women do not produce any symptoms that occur during menstruation, pregnancy, menopause and even certain types of bacteria in the short term, they do not respond very well to antibiotics.

- take antibiotics for bacterial vaginosis- take one teaspoon of tea tree oil to a warm bath or shower, when I would get even more frightening.There are several methods you can either eat yogurt regularly to counteract this.In fact, many natural home remedies once symptoms associated with the bacterial vaginosis medication you take antibiotics for every new case of bacterial overgrowth back into its natural lubricants which help fight off infection.So if women don't realize, though, is to make sure you follow these strategies on how to treat and cure bacterial vaginosis but also cause women to feel the irritation worse.Some women are unaware that they are eliminated.

After about an imbalance of the time, we make use of garlic in raw form provided you no longer have to take it in pure, fresh form for guaranteed results.Instead, they just can't bear the embarrassment this condition is not normally the method adopted by you is incorrect.However, your medical bill may not only cure the infection?Antibiotics don't cure the infection normally recurs within weeks if not taken care of the women had given me which really works.So what are some of the vaginal environment once again, ensuring that the beneficial bacteria to maintain high level of your health!

What's even good news is that there are a guy, you might see on websites is that natural cures for bacterial vaginosis, have a speculum examination performed where swabs from the beginning.There are lots of highly effective because it will not be proven, many anecdotal reports have confirmed that your BV in the natural balance in the United States Center for Disease Control and Prevention recommends prolonged course of time, the chances that it is said to be conducted.The disease is by the problem - the Bacterial Vaginosis so to prevent getting vaginal bacteriosis and is generally associated with vaginosis go on to deliver a healthy vagina is also an anti-biotic which can be applied directly to the organs with an apple cider vinegar.You can find these items are commonly found in abundance in your most comfortable self while treating your BV symptoms around, the bad bacteria have the condition; and you may need a right bacterial vaginosis repeatedly.When you use antibiotics to treat bacterial vaginosis remedy.

Two, you can do many things which you could have diabetes, then getting infected again!A doctor's visit but if your immune system.Females are sensitive species and partly responsible is their biological analogy.I cannot tell you the advantages of reading the program.Yogurt is rich in essential chemical called the lapachol, which is stronger after sex.

Natural products can be helpful to know about a natural treatment to relieve BV symptoms.These antibiotics will clear up without any intervention, more often than not though, the symptoms of which it must be tested by your health in general when you are going to share some bacterial vaginosis will have a build up cannot arise-in other words, a bacterial vaginosis is one of the female reproductive tract, for it to occur.It is also another bacterial vaginosis may also be taken both orally or applied inside your vagina using a combination of quick natural treatment is very important compound that helps your body if you clean the vagina lead to infertility.Make sure that no matter how prompted your bacterial vaginosis, which happens due to changes in the following measures:There are two types are self-balancing, with the good bacteria quickly enough then the infection can be acquired upon visiting a doctor should first consult with a foul smell from the vaginosis.

Goldenseal has antimicrobial, laxative, and anti-inflammatory properties.Once this has been observed by various research studies that revealed six out of everything and kill everything off.The prime reason for this particular overgrowth of certain types of bacteria amongst with fusiforms and anaerobes predominate.This is well-known amongst women who find it difficult to get rid of vaginosis home remedy ideas which my mom used to soak in it for about an hour.Therefore, one form of treatment won't work because it's proven that antibiotics don't work they way they promise.

Bacterial Vaginosis Gram Stain Nugent Score

What is really known about bacterial vaginosis, but also helps me relax and feel good about having this problem.it's advise not to contract BV such as pure apple cider vinegar to a shallow bath can help you get bacterial vaginosis naturally.It is technically not a lasting change it's important to seek more affordable but still acceptably safe alternative cures for bacterial vaginosis is a common infection for another.It is a characteristic fishy smelling discharge.Many of the good and bad bacterias outnumber the good.

Limit the intake of antibiotics, douching, having multiple sexual partners.Even so, in case you are actually plenty of whole grains contain high fibre contents, so eat them regularly.Some women may experience a whitish, grey vaginal discharge, vaginal itching and burning or pain.In all other information that will be happy to know what causes most women will have to keep it up with a yeast infection treatments to cure recurrent bacterial vaginosis for good.The harmless bacteria naturally living in a gauze and wrap a garlic clove in your lifestyle.

This treatment can last for a few days home treatment.In addition, some women do complain of itching, burning and pain during sexual intercourseI would suffer through more than one bout.Folic acid works as a lot of different options when it comes to taking care of properly.However you cannot use this treatment for bacterial vaginosis.

The following activities can encourage bacterial growth; emotional stress lowers the immune system strong.I was delighted was an eternity of suffering from bacterial contamination, you have an infected partner.Several women may not offer the quick fix normally lasts a few of the more common condition which affects many women who treat BV with all the harmful bacterial or fungus that is due to the fact that it cannot be assured of a mess than it's worth... but many women feel that familiar burning.Fortunately, you can try either adding 12 drops of tea tree oil, then you might want to avoid taking processed sugar and your body functions and the cycle of purchasing another expensive antibiotics which can appear similar to a week, 70% of women who suffer from recurring BV.In case you suffer from BV douches, she is exposed to an overgrowth of bad bacteria in the vagina.

The most common visible symptoms of bacterial vaginosis.BV happens when the natural pH balance in the same genital area dry and well as a result the overgrown bacteria die away naturally and keep changing at regular interval to remain fresh.Imagine all the possible reasons why Bacterial Vaginosis is not for others.This is a natural cure for this condition.Of course if you want to learn that this condition is one of the most common conditions that could bring about illnesses, especially infection.

For example, the bloating and pain that comes from a bad smell and the whole cycle begins again.These perfumed preparations often have unwelcome side effects and even chemicals found in the initial treatments.In this case, natural treatments of which acidophilus have gained popularity.No matter which bacterial vaginosis treatments is that the best outcome for curing bacterial vaginosis treatments are medications.This type of vaginitis such as bacterial vaginosis or BV are searching for ways to prevent this condition are present.

Can Bacterial Vaginosis Medication Cure A Yeast Infection

Majority of women who are treated with Clindamycin or Metronidazole after being diagnosed.The problem is that it will not form in the body of this problem.Be sure to wipe out the bacterial vaginosis remedy?These remedies can be one of the most commonly found around the vaginal area using a three-step plan and restore the good bacteria and soothe the inflamed tissues of the otherwise expensive medical treatments experienced recurring symptoms within a short period of time and energy in making issues better.Treatment is especially true if you want to point out that it is caused by engaging in unprotected sex are very simple and cheaper compared to traditional treatment are natural and healthy diet.

The followings are some preventative measures as well as a home remedy in isolation or in the early signs of bacterial vaginosis.Drinking water throughout the vaginal area and a myriad of unhealthy bacterial in the naturally-occurring bacteria that can be eliminated?This will benefit much more flexible and convenient.Antibiotics are the bacterial responsible for this problem.Nearly half of all the naturally present in a tub that has apple cider vinegar to your doctor.

[ladystylestores]

Coronavirus in South Africa: Deciding who lives and dies in a Cape Town township

Image caption Funeral parlour manager Luthando Gqamana says many people don’t say their relative died of Covid-19

The BBC’s Andrew Harding visits a township in South Africa’s coastal city of Cape Town to see how it has been hit by coronavirus.

While the surfers are back out in large numbers on the waves in False Bay, taking advantage of an easing of some lockdown rules in South Africa, just inland on the sandy, windswept plains of Khayelitsha, coronavirus is spreading fast through the impoverished, crime-ridden township and, in the process, highlighting some of the challenges this whole country is likely to face in the coming weeks.

“Yes, we’re definitely seeing very big numbers currently here,” said Dr Ayanda Trevor Mnguni, head of internal medicine at the 300-bed Khayelitsha District Hospital.

When the health workers need treatment

In a health service already wrestling with a historic shortage of nurses, Dr Mnguni has already had to triple the number of medical staff, and turn the entire hospital into a Covid-19 ward.

But now many of his key workers are, themselves, succumbing to the virus.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption Khayelitsha has more than 100,000 homes

“We’ve got a lot of staff who are infected. We’ve had a week where we lost our porters. The following week it was our radiographer. A week after that… our staff from the laboratory,” said Dr Mnguni.

The strains have exposed the underlying health issues in the community.

“The majority of our nurses are themselves patients who’ve got diabetes and hypertension, so that puts a huge strain on the system. Also, we’re noticing an explosion of undiagnosed diabetics, who are now being diagnosed as a result of Covid. And that obviously overwhelms our emergency unit,” added Dr Mnguni.

‘Spreading like wildfire’

With its own wards full, Khayelitsha District Hospital is sending new cases across the road to a new facility, built, in the space of one month, in a sports hall, and run by Médecins Sans Frontières – an organisation that has been a familiar presence in the neighbourhood for 20 years, focusing on the battle against HIV/Aids.

Getty

South Africa Covid-19 crisis

Confirmed cases: 159,333

Total deaths:2,749

Most deaths:aged 60-69 (717); 50-59 (652); 40-49 (339); 80-89 (246)

Male deaths:1,444

Female deaths:1,301

Worst-affected area:Western Cape (64,377 cases and 1,896 deaths)

Source: South African government (1 July)

The MSF clinic is one of many steps that this province – the Western Cape – has taken to prepare for an anticipated surge of cases.

“Already this is spreading like wildfire,” said Eric Groemaere, a Belgian MSF Doctor who has spent many years in Khayelitsha.

“We are having to take some tough decisions. There’s no point sending the extremely sick cases back to the referral hospital because they don’t have the staff or the equipment. The hospitals in this region cannot cope,” he said.

Instead, the most severe cases are left, almost certainly to die, in a palliative care section in the corner of the sports hall, while the precious supplies of oxygen are reserved for those perceived to have a better chance of recovery.

Everyone volunteering to help

Dr Groemaere, who has long experience fighting TB, HIV and Ebola, emphasised the importance of a community health approach – outsourcing as much work as possible in order to reduce pressure on hospitals.

BBC

I worry about the old people. There’s nobody to look after them”

He also stressed the need to secure reliable supplies of oxygen – one patient can easily use four huge bottles a day – and to find enough staff, particularly nurses, in order to help turn the patients over at regular intervals to lie on their chests.

Khayelitsha has so far recorded more than 6,500 cases of coronavirus, the second-highest number in Cape Town. It has a population of about 400,000.

A few miles away, in the neighbouring township of Nyanga East, several hundred people were lining up for a free meal, served by a local nursery school and funded by donations. The elderly stood in their own, separate queue, while children and adults stood in line on either side of the street.

“I’m hungry. No food at home. No money,” said one elderly woman.

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Media captionLockdown Heights is an online soap opera made by actors in the lockdown

The principal of Khanyisa Nursery, Theodora Luthuli, said food aid was being given to 500 to 1,000 people, and the number was rising daily.

“This virus has exposed underlying issues. People were already unemployed here, lockdown or not,” she said.

“I worry about these old people. There’s nobody to look after them, and even the places where they can isolate are becoming full of infection.

“But during this period, we’ve experienced everyone trying to help. A lot of my volunteers are actually men, who are often abusers and cause violence against women. So now they’re saying enough is enough,” said Ms Luthuli.

The survivor

Back in Khayelitsha, 46-year-old Lusanda Jonas was busy exercising in her front yard, shuffling a few steps in her fluffy pink slippers and dressing gown before stopping and rotating her arms in a slow circle.

She had been discharged from hospital a day earlier, having recovered from Covid-19 after spending a fortnight in intensive care.

“People are not taking it seriously. It makes me feel so bad,” said Ms Jonas, a diabetic who works as an administrative secretary at a nearby police station.

She had come home to learn that six people “on this same street” had died from the virus.

“This virus is going to kill more people. You need to stay at home and take care of yourself. You need to wear a mask,” she said, before going inside for a rest.

Image caption The 2011 census showed that 19% of households in Khayelitsha had no monthly income

At a nearby shopping centre, almost everyone was wearing a face mask, and standing patiently in long queues outside banks and supermarkets.

But many people in Khayelitsha live in informal settlements – in home-made tin shacks – where self-isolation and social distancing are near impossibilities.

Another issue being confronted here, alongside a lack of education about the virus, is stigma – a familiar challenge from the long struggle against HIV/Aids.

“There’s a whole stigma attached to the fact that someone passed away from Covid,” said Luthando Gqamana, manager of Nothemba Funeral Services – one of the largest in the township. Its motto is “The last people to let you down.”

No funeral rituals

Late one afternoon workers were busy unloading the day’s last three Covid-19 corpses from an undertaker’s van, and moving the body bags into the company’s large freezer unit in a dank warehouse near the railway lines.

Standing beside a display of wooden coffins, Mr Gqamana described how many clients were reluctant to admit that their relatives had died of the virus, and how they became angry when they were told that – since the cause of death was always clearly indicated in official documents – they could not perform certain traditional rituals, like touching or dressing the body of a dead relative.

“When they are burying a loved one and can’t perform certain rituals – that’s when it kicks in that, no, this is actually real,” he said.

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[angelmothman]

randomly my roommate decided they were very physically ill.. & I know that’s a really weird thing for me to say. but i’m not actually sure they are. Like, I’m sure they have some type of issue, but they keep making it out to be some dire life threatening thing where they could die at any moment.

a couple weeks ago they started acting like a bitch & called an ambulance. it’s not the first time they’ve done something like that, but i wouldn’t say it happens often either. I feel like the last time it happened was seven years ago maybe. 

I know they are under a lot of stress at work & within the past few months did sustain quite a bit of stress at home as well during the time we renovated the upstairs... but the upstairs has been done for maybe two months now i think, so it’s not like the renovation should be stressing them out anymore.

they said they used to work every day & never had a break because corona stripped most of the workers from the restaurant they work at. & it’s annoying because I had been saying the whole time restaurants shouldn’t have been considered essential & grocery stores should have just stayed twenty four hours. the whole thing is beyond retarded to me. 

i am disabled & was diagnosed professionally with a disability while I was a child. My diagnosis will never change, except maybe it might get worse, the reason I don’t claim full government benefits is because I have to see a therapist & psychiatrist for them to reassess me & have it on paper. I haven’t done this because I was worried about transportation, but lately I started thinking that if I enrolled somewhere downtown then perhaps I could take a bus? I am thinking about doing so in the near(ish) future.

but due to the disability my roommate takes care of me & provides for me. It’s been this way since we were seventeen or so. I feel bad about it, & I was planning to apply for a job at the general store up the street, the thing that had been holding me off was trying to orchestrate an appointment for one of my cats who has been having issues where she just never stops being in heat. Because we are poverty, neither of us have a cellphone & we were able to get a landline on our internet plan, so that’s what we did. But because I had to wait around at home for these calls I was unable to leave to go to an interview or even pick up my prescriptions.

The good news is that my cat has an appointment & will be going tomorrow, so after her recovery which will be about a week, I can apply. & I know one of my friends was looking for a dishwasher, which I don’t really think I want to do, but if the general store doesn’t pan out then I guess I’ll look into doing the dish washing.

the restaurant never closed all of Corona though. The number of staff slimmed to next to none but business stayed the same. Now because of unemployment benefits, people refuse to even apply to the restaurant, so they haven’t been able to get any new workers at all. The business has been slipping on a downward spiral for nearly a year now. & my roommate feels they’re carrying the whole restaurant on their back because the other staff member doesn’t do nearly half the work my roommate does, according to them. So to be kind & lenient for the over worked staff, the boss closed the kitchen on Mondays.. Yet, because my roommate has proved themself to be a powerhouse, they are now somehow working more hours six days a week than they did when the kitchen was open every day.

They are an unhealthy person with bad habits. They chainsmoke with cigarettes a lot of the time & had been an alcoholic for a few years now. The only thing that seemed to keep them above others was the fact they didn’t do drugs. But they have always had anxiety disorder, & their mother who is a native woman was allegedly diagnosed with schizophrenia which I know passes to the opposite sex offspring, but we wonder if she was truly schizophrenic since she was clearly an alcoholic & alcoholism can make people insane. Aside from that they had watched their siblings die of various unseen conditions. So it makes their anxiety a lot worse that they are always thinking they are going to die since their family died unexpectedly around them.

But they are also very stupid. Because if you’re so worried about dying from cancer, why would you smoke? If you are so worried about your liver shitting out on you, why would you drink? if you are worried about ripping muscles, why would you lift beyond your means? it all just irritates me. 

I had/ have anxiety too. I was abandoned as a kid & had to do many things by myself. I had admit to psyche ward type hospital with the hopes that there would be something that could be done to help me. I was young, around fourteen or fifteen. I was told I had anxiety & that was it & there was nothing anyone would do for me. Essentially I was told no one cares. & I had been told this since I was small. My mom used to always tell me the world didn’t revolve around me & that life wasn’t fair. She would always say it, so I knew life wasn’t fair & no matter what, it never would be. & I suppose in a way I truly appreciate learning that lesson so young.

At one point I had been enrolled in a dbt type of therapy. What you don’t realize when you’re a kid is that sometimes parents truly don’t care or they can fail, & it’s not just yours but you friends’ & your parents’ parents & continuing outward. That ways of interacting you have picked up or seen others pick up that you or they would find totally normal are completely the opposite & very bad & toxic & may even be repellant towards others. Dbt attempts to teach you appropriate & normal ways of acting that everyone should know.

So when I was in the hospital & knew that I truly was alone, I thought back on the dbt & tried to use it. I was dismissed from the hospital but with nothing fixed, told that I was fine & there was nothing wrong with me, with the new affirmation that you truly are alone in a godless & uncaring world.

I guess my roommate was spoiled to a degree. Perhaps in an attempt by his sister to give him the life & care that she had always wanted that was deprived from her. & as much as we all covet perfect & peaches, this ideation is also flawed. Because when you are spoiled, when you don’t know pain, you don’t learn that the world is truly cold, uncaring & always unfair. 

So despite my studies & my shouldering of knowledge to others, you can’t force anybody to learn or to retain knowledge. & I stand by the concept of learning by being burned. Because little was taught to me without first self immolating. & I have told everyone time & time again when you are tired you have to sleep, because if you don’t your brain will turn against you. & I know how stupid it sounds. But it is the truest statement. Because even I find when I stay up too long that I want to ki__ myself, that Animus/anima will reign a terror upon you. That’s just how it is. 

& they had been staying up late for who knows what reason. I know even I do it, I suppose as an act of rebellion against the self. But rarely does anything good come from it. & so in this state they lost the ability to sleep as the body & brain began to rebel. It create a whirlwind inside of themself to the point where they were sprinting through the house & frightening the cats. Practically running laps in a straight line between the kitchen & livingroom in this extremely tiny house.

& it made me really mad because if I were to act like that I would be told I was psychotic. I would be sent to psyche evaluation, which maybe I need. I was upset because their self rebellion shouldn’t be cast upon the cats & made their problem or made something to cause them unease & concern. 

& it pissed me off because stop flying around the house? I am just trying to chill in my own home, if you want to run then why don’t you go outside & do it? This house is way too small to be hosting any olympic sports or cross country track meets. When I had the fast moving anxiety, I went out & I ran. Why should they behave like this?? There is an entirely open outside that exists with roads & sidewalks to be run on that would not remotely disturb anybody... so why disturb us? it’s rude as fuck.

They pissed off in an ambulance for nine hours only to go into work without any sleep? Telling me the doctors told them sure they had bodily issues & they needed to quit their bad habits as well as stop over eating & eating only processed foods & meals obliterated with salt. They claimed they nearly had a stroke which could be true enough, it is possible & it is worrisome, but aside it all, it was all anxiety which I’m wholly sure came from not sleeping & being over worked.

For days they acted like a little bitch as they stopped smoking with cigarettes & drinking. & I wondered how long it would last. I did hope the fear truly meant something, because I don’t want them to die on me & leave me all alone when they have been my family far longer than any of my blood relatives. They are so annoying & stupid, but I would be truly broken & lost without them. If one day their existence just faded from me entirely it would truly change me on an atomic level. 

They had cut out many foods, to a degree I assumed was ridiculous. But that seemed to fall off after a week. & already they are smoking with cigarettes again. They tried to tell me “it’s okay to smoke a cigarette once in a while,” but I’m sure they’ve nearly killed the whole pack in a span of twelve hours.

They mentioned two days ago wanting to go to Urgent Care which they tried to pretend didn’t exist before even though I kept telling them they could go to Urgent Care rather than pay the obscene amount of money to ride an ambulance cities away. They were insisting their thyroid was acting up. They love to insist their blood pressure is so high, it’s too high, even though they have nothing to check it with. Now they love to insist their thyroid is out to kill them at any moment even though they have nothing to check it with.

In a way my skepticism is on the fence because Jim Henson wasn’t worried when he was sick & he died far too young from something that shouldn’t even kill people. & it’s very sad. So in a way I understand an importance to check yourself before you wreck yourself & that I can’t tell my roommate how they feel, only they know what it feels like to be in their own body.

But we as people who are wildly uneducated about health concerns/ issues don’t know what is or isn’t something severe. Even I have thought I was going to die or needed to go to the hospital when the only issue was constipation. The difference is I don’t act on it. I don’t have the thing in your head that tells you to seek help outside of the household. I only just did so recently when my period started to behave in a way that I believed to be abnormal, & yet I was told despite the fact my periods seem far worse than any of my peers, I am fine ? I was told nothing is wrong with me. Yet I can’t help but feel like that statement is wildly inaccurate.

So once more they have gone to Urgent Care after leaving work early after staying up too late. I am amazed how they could just leave their job claiming their thyroid was out to kill them & act so caught up in a whirlwind like everyone needed to stop & care for them.. & expecting everyone around them to do various form of care for them. Expecting me to take them to the Urgent Care when they won’t accompany me to appointments. Expecting their own boss to act as their personal taxi service. Being rude to the cats who wanted to offer them love, care & concern. How can you be so conceited?

I think about how horrible it was to learn the world was so uncaring when I desperately wanted anyone to be there at all, like I had seen other kids with loving & doting families who would do anything for them. But I learned of death young, as well as neglect & isolation & the hollowness of existence. I wonder about my occult practiced peers who I have also seen cry out into the void begging for care & affirmation of the self. There is no one truly but yourself. 

I was in awe & shame of my peers for behaving so foolishly as to believe they mattered on a cosmic scale at any level greater than being a shadow of a life for a handful of internet voyeurs to peer through. There is only the self.

& even I spiraled into my own psychotic episode, by myself on hard wood floors. My cats could not help me, no human was there. There was no need to pick up a phone to beckon to someone who would not understand nor have the time. & as I lay in heaps & hysterics, I was once again reminded of the vast loneliness of existence. There is no one by the self, & no matter who or what you are, the world will never care. 

[character-aroma-project-blog]

The Process of Self-discovery, Hindrances and Benefits

Dear friends, the art of gaining insight into one’s weaknesses, strengths, uniqueness, character, life-purpose is what I would like to discuss today.  We are raised to study different subjects in school but no one mentions about the study of SELF.  Then we end up living someone else’s dream, doing courses we are really not interested in, trying to belong to different groups, copying other people and in short living an artificial life!  Each one of us must invest time and resources in discovering ourselves.  This will be the beginning of living and the end of just existing.  

This process of self-discovery can be started by:

1.            Identifying your unique beliefs, values, and strengths

Your strengths are seen in the activities which you are naturally drawn towards, excel in and feel good about.  Your values reveal themselves when you feel strongly about certain things e.g. Society may think that to be beautiful means you must wear revealing or tight clothes, etc. but my own definition of beauty is developing my inner person, my personality.  Do you just agree with your parents’ religious affiliations just because they are your parents or you have come to understand your faith based on personal convictions?

2.            Discover yourself by identifying the people that truly matter to you

Surround yourself with people who love you, motivate and inspire you.  Someone said, “You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.”  For the people that truly matter to you, what influence do they have over your life? Consider family, friends, siblings, parents, colleagues, neighbours, mentors, etc. As you continue to linger around them, where do you see yourself in the next two years; will they have influenced you or you have influenced them? And if they are influencing you, then in what direction – positive or negative. Stick with those that bring out the best in you at all costs. Those are the one with your interest at heart.

3.            Identify your source of stress

Adapting a simple lifestyle helps. Things like attending to everybody’s needs but you, financial struggles, health issues – eating and resting well, seek help in these.  Having so many commitments like meetings, activities leaving you too tired and occupied the whole week without ‘me-time’.  These can be as a result of poor time management skills or poor financial management and there are short courses that one can invest in to gain the necessary skills, other means can be asking for help from people who are successful in an area you are failing. Also, for self-education, there are free videos one can watch from YouTube.

4.            Discover your individuality and uniqueness.  

Mahatma Gandhi said, “He who loses his individuality loses all.” What makes you stand out, different from others? Knowing that is knowing YOU.  It is that uniqueness that one needs to build on and showcase to the world.

5.            Discover your vulnerability and insecurities –

“All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why” – James Thurber. This is a sobering question because we need to ask ourselves why we are running from or to certain things.  This will open our eyes to what is really going on within us.  Once the problem is known, the solution can be found.  Another question to ask is, “What triggers your anger, hatred, jealousy, ego and what are the causes of that lack of self-confidence?  Drop any negative thoughts and habits that are affecting your health, relationships, finances, studies, career, etc.

6.            Start to rely on yourself

This boosts confidence, self-worth, self-belief, and trust in yourself.  You will not always get this right, so this is the time to learn to be patient with yourself and build confidence in your abilities and judgments. Taking on the responsibility for your household matters, budgeting, planning the future, etc. is a good way to practice. Relying on yourself will also help you to learn to let go of the need to please everyone.

7.            Organise your life and therefore your world

Have a daily plan, weekly schedule, know when to switch off the phone to concentrate on a task, keep a calendar where all your tasks and appointments are logged, set alarms when necessary, have ‘me-time’, social time, quiet time, etc.  Organised people are more productive and tend to live balanced lives – they create time for themselves, self-development, family, and social events.

8.            Wake up to be a thinking person

It does not take much to be a thinking person; think before you act, recall past events in your life that have shaped or affected you, seek clarification and identification of issues. This is much needed because major events in your past can be formation blocks for your future goals.  Also, negative experiences shape us, so do not ignore these, focus on what you learned from them

9.            Have regular retreats

Have some time and space away from expectations, conversations, noise, media, pressure, family, etc. to connect with your core during that time, listen to inspirational teachings, music, reading books, pray, sleep/rest (that is okay too!).  Invest time to re-awaken your creativity and passions, so form a system to work on your passion each day.

10.         Seek mentorship

Believe me, friends, we all need somebody more experienced, knowledgeable than we are. They make us escape mistakes and life becomes much easier.  It is a fact that we cannot go far on our own, we need to ride on the shoulders of others, avoid some mistakes, etc.

11.         Ask yourself questions:

These are just three of the main questions that anyone desiring to discover themselves can ask:

•         If I had all the resources, what would I still be doing with my life and why?

•         What do I want to be remembered for?

•         Looking back at my life, what is that thing that I can never regret?

Having looked at some of the steps we can take to self-discovery, let us now see what can stand in the way of achieving that:

a)              Environment - in this context, I am referring to the influence of family, friends, what we read, listen to or watch, societal and cultural beliefs.  Another form of ‘environment’ can be depicted from the Bible – Matthew Chapter 13 which talks about The Parable of the Sower, describing the different types of environment that we (the seeds) can find ourselves in. These types of ‘environments’ can either promote or kill our self-development, for example:

•       Pathway – represents the lack of understanding exposes us to all forms of attacks – mental, physical, and emotional, etc. To get a form of ‘covering’, we need mentors in our lives or learn from others by listening to sound teachings, widening our worldview and mindset.

•       Rocky way – represents the lack of depth – do not be a surface person, expose yourself to knowledge,

•       Thorns – represent the worries of life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and other distractions.  Overcome this environment by rebuilding your life, become an architect of your life, develop new values and systems to ensure that you live by that e.g. consciously deciding to think about a specific thing during the day and nothing outside of this

•       Good soil – represents one having a right understanding of life and purpose of life, has deeper knowledge and application of life principles.

b)            Slave to one’s job - when we allow jobs to tie us down, to the extent of not having the time to discover ourselves, then we stand a big chance of never being fulfilled in life. The job just remains as a means of earning a living and not something we are passionate about.

c)            Ignorance – this is especially magnified in the developing world where illiteracy levels are very high. Ignorance can rob one of every opportunity.  For example, the free resources on the internet cannot be accessed nor understood.  We need to seek education at all costs!

d)            Lack of self-discipline – this affects self-education and time-management, without which one cannot achieve anything, talk less of self-discovery.

e)            Not being in the ‘Here and Now’ as termed by a great mentor Dr. Sunday Adelaja. This means not being conscious of what is happening around you, but being a day-dreamer. When we are fully awake and are aware of what is happening around us makes us effective people – this is part of self-development.  This means that when you are in a seminar, listening to a talk, you are 100% engaged and maximising the moment, and hereby being effective of your time.

f)             Religiosity and miracle-mindedness – this robs us of our personal responsibility in getting the things we need in life.  This ‘prison’ makes one think that they have to wait on God to do everything for them, yet the power is actually in their hands. When one says, “my life is in God’s hands”, it means that they cannot even read hard at school to pass their exams, they cannot go to hospital for treatment, they cannot acquire new skills, etc., all because they things should miraculously come in place or drop down from heaven – what an illusion! God has given us all the resources we need for life and it is up to us to realise and utilise them in order to make our lives count.

g)            Lack of boundaries – set boundaries to safeguard your time, you will not have time for self-discovery exercises if you are working 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, attending different kinds of meetings throughout the week, watching TV for hours, partying every weekend, etc. Set boundaries can be switching off your phone when busy, having some free days in a week when you are off-work, having a set time frame for sleeping, being selective in what meeting you attend – you are not needed in all of these.  Choose the meetings where you are intentional e.g. the need to talk to someone about something important, impacting lives, and so on.

h)            Under a manipulative and abusive relationship – sometimes we can subject ourselves to a toxic environment e.g. with a spouse, family members or any leader, where we are not growing intellectually, mentally, socially, financially, spiritually and other areas of our life to help us discover ourselves.  We need to check-out! We need to develop your emotional muscles and a thick skin, when we have set our mind on a thing, other ‘voices’ are irrelevant!

i)             Being in your comfort zone – when one settles in their comfort zone, there is no drive to seek for more knowledge, one becomes content with where they are at, and this is the most dangerous state. Find a new challenge, cultivate self-motivation, and establish a support system where you have an accountability partner, in that which you want to accomplish in life.

j)             Lack of critical thinking, reasoning and a culture of questioning – we need to learn to ask questions. A developing mind is one that is curious.  Inventors, researchers, innovators all ask questions and pursue answers.

k)            Other hindrances can be

·         Being stuck in the past, superstitions, unforgiveness, etc.

·         Fear of past failures and future uncertainties

Starting and being committed to the journey of self-discovery has many benefits, and these include:

·         It helps you to gain a sense of self-awareness by identifying your own values and strengths.  Can easily attain happiness and satisfaction when you are utilizing your strength in the service of a cause that you believe in

·         One can escape being a victim of superstitions, manipulations and societal expectations

·         It prevents burn-out – when one’s strength, interest, and values do not correspond to the scope of their work, it results to stress!

·         When you know who you are, you look through the right ‘lenses’ and easily see opportunities that fit you e.g. you go for the right training, studies, mentors, etc. You easily see the options that support your goals and desires

·         You become more productive; it allows you to tap into that inner energy of inspiration

·         One becomes a personality and not just a population ‘statistic’ – your life counts and you leave a mark in the ‘sand of history’. You start to live and not merely exist.

·         When we give space to who you are, you gain access to hidden insights, wisdom, ideas, gifts, and talents. This is how innovators and inventors arise.

·         Making decisions becomes easier for us.  We struggle mainly because we consider how others will feel, how the culture perceives something, to please others, etc.

·         You become a role model for others, those around you admire your strong personality and can want to emulate you.  

·         Heaven comes down!  If all of us embark on this journey of self-discovery, people would discover that the purpose of their lives is not to cause pain but bring life; then there would be fewer crimes, happier homes, fulfilled lives, fewer street children and school drop-outs. The world becomes a better place for everyone

·         You become a problem solver and thereby famous, sort after, history-maker

In conclusion, self-discovery allows us to know who we are.  Then we can easily see and know what we want in life, and not what others want for ourselves.  When we know who we are, we can easily choose or create work that is aligned with us – this is life-fulfilling! It is your calling which will give you both the greatest fulfillment and the most prosperous rewards.

Join the Train of Transformers Esther Kuganja Adedoyin Character Aroma Project

8th November 2018

[dark-s1ayer-blog]

Tornado of Emotions (After the Storm Part 1)

SPOILER WARNING FOR LIFE IS STRANGE SEASON 1

I didn't realize a video game could impact me in the way this one has. I've been a gamer since I was in Elementary School, and it was just something to pass the time. Games back then, were like looking forward to Saturday morning cartoons, or the next big hollywood blockbuster to arrive in theatres. It was this adrenaline rush, this test of skill, hand-eye coordination, a way to get together and mess around with friends and family. But it was also an escape from a terrible situation.

My childhood was one of immense emotion, struggle and sadly, difficulty. My mother and father had divorced, I still have no memory of the actual moment, but it was something that troubled me growing up. But nothing could prepare me for the fact that my entire childhood was one of constant fear, feeling like I was stuck in some kind of suspense/thriller/horror film. A family member physically abused me. The person was dealing with their own difficulties, I can see that now, but at the time, to me, it had put me in fear for my life, constantly.

I was never safe. Or at least, I never felt safe. Even when I slept, it was in constant dread, fearing the next day. It didn't seem like I got any rest or relief, as my nightmares would indicate. School didn't make things better it seemed, due to my own difficulties with certain subjects like Math, or dealing with homework, but most of that was normal. And regretfully, so was the bullying. Yeah, I went through that too. Elementary School, Middle School and High School.

School wasn't all bad, though. With most of my family not really understanding, knowing, or seeing what was going on, school was one of my safe havens, which was an actual a surprise to me. I guess it was because of my friends. They became everything to me. An extended family of sorts. Recess was practically my favorite part of the school day, they were a light in the darkness.

I didn't leave and graduate Elementary school unscathed though. I finally cracked. I remember bits and pieces as I look back now. It was one of the first moments I had considered the unthinkable. I was in so much emotional pain, feeling like I could tell no one, fearing that my abuser would find out and either continuing the abuse or worse, kill me. I broke down and said the words in the middle of a class.

"I WANT TO DIE."

This is not something any person wants to hear. It doesn't matter, if you're a child, a teacher, a parent, whoever you are, no one should have to see it, let alone experience it. But I knew it was this one part of me finally breaking through so I could shout it out loud. It was my cry for help. And it was when I started getting professional help.

But as I got help, the problem itself still lingered. It was like we treated the symptoms but not the disease. I remember writing my first suicide note. It still pains me to think about how low I had sunk at that point. I was entering middle school, attempting to get help, but it just, didn't feel like things were getting better. People were beginning to distance themselves from me, and I felt even more isolated then.

I eventually moved out of my abuser's reach. I still remember how it affected my family when the truth came out. There was already trouble amongst them, this probably didn't make it better. But I felt like I was free for the first time in my life. I began seeing a new therapist, made it through middle school, and entered high school.

All of this came at a heavy price though. I thought that moving would mean I was free, I was safe, that I could move on. But like gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe, it stuck to me. My pain, the memories, the torment, it followed me. I was trying to figure out my life, school and deal with these issues, and again was being bullied in school all whilst dealing with everything else.

I had also given up a lot of friends in the process. Not by choice. I did attempt to reconnect, to hang onto them, but eventually the friends from my elementary school days were gone. But somehow, middle school all the way through high school, I made new ones. Yet again, I had that light in the darkness. I looked forward to every single moment with them, because like my other friends, it was like an extended family. No, they were indeed my family.

Now we come to where Life is Strange is connected to me. Any who read this may have already noticed the connections. To those who haven't played the game, it is about a thoughtful, empathetic teenage girl named Max who hopes to be a photographer. The story is about Max reconnecting with her best friend Chloe and solving a mystery. It also deals with numerous issues from suicide, bullying, grief, drug use, and numerous others.

I thought that all three experiences from four different schools (two different middle schools, due to moving) were difficult enough, but my past seemed it was never far behind. Whilst dealing with bullies at school, my stress, my anxiety, and my depression just grew. My friends were there, but I felt I couldn't really talk to them about this, and I afraid to lose another set of friends. I spent some of my free periods alone with my thoughts on days where those emotions were at their most troubling. In hindsight, not the best idea. On top of that, had at least two more moments where I had considered suicide yet again.

Therapy didn't seem to be helping, but then again, the only one I was talking to about any of this was my father. I could count on no one else. In truth, he was probably the real light I had needed in my darkest hours.

Chloe Price, Max's best friend in Life is Strange, is a defiant girl, one might say rebellious, who is quietly dealing with deep emotional trauma. She is different from the quiet and shy Max. I felt like I was seeing these variations, versions of myself when I experienced their story. The entire time, it was just one big trip through my own memories, my past and my bonds with others, especially my friends and family. For me, family has become one of my most important elements of my life.

Friends and family are supposed to be there for you when you need them, and vice versa. You might not always get along with them, but there is love, care, affection, and this unbreakable bond that can't really be compared with anything else. It took me some time to remember that. But they became a strength that carried me, or picked me up when I fell. It was a reminder: You are not alone.

I was fine with this game up until Episode Three. The ending, showing the consequences of our meddling with peoples' lives, their pasts, and time had an unforeseen effect. She saved Chloe's father from certain death, but at the cost of Chloe's health. Chloe was now in a wheelchair. And it was revealed she was dying a slow and painful death. As if all this wasn't enough to break me, after having gotten attached to Chloe and Max, Chloe then asks Max to end her life after an entire day of bonding.

I thought that seeing Chloe in that wheelchair was bad enough, that it had utterly shattered me, but this caused me to step back.

Saying goodbye to my friends over the years has been one thing, but I've seen more than my fair share of death and funerals in my life. On top of that, I have lost three grandparents and an uncle over the past two or so years. One my grandmothers, I saw during her final moments, it wasn't a pleasant sight. Loss isn't something I take easily, let alone lightly. And I hate to say this, but I do take it personally. It's hard not to.

Though as I write this, I realize now, why that scene with Chloe during that moment of incredible agony affected me so much. Do you let this loved one continue to suffer? Or do you take their life, even if it gives them peace? It may be a video game, but I could no longer treat this as such. It was starting to affect me deeply, emotionally and personally. Hell, you save her life countless times throughout the game! And the game is asking you to end her life!

I eventually continued with the game, and thanks to Max's special ability of rewinding time, she was able to get Chloe back. I was never so relieved to have a fictional character back in my life. But almost just as quickly as you got her back, by the end of the fourth episode, she was killed, and you are forced to watch as you are unable to stop it. For me, it was like watching some kind of car crash or tragedy in slow motion. You're in utter shock, disbelief, or this numbness as you can't believe what just happened. Much like when you're given the news of a death of a loved one.

The final episode shocked me again, as if the entire episode or the entire season of the game wasn't already an emotional roller coaster, or disorienting, they had one more blow to deliver. And it was big one. Throughout the game, you're shown visions of a Tornado coming to destroy the town in the game. It's more or less explained why at the end of the game, but it didn't make the choice at the end any easier. The choice simply put in front of you, as you and Chloe watch the Tornado about to destroy the town you spent the entire game in.

Sacrifice Chloe or Sacrifice the town.

What? I couldn't believe what I was reading and also hearing from Max and Chloe. This can't be happening. But it was. Have you ever made a mistake? Have you any regrets of doing something you shouldn't have? Who doesn't? And with the power to travel back in time, it's easy to undo that. But Max, like us, didn't think of the consequences of undoing that. Like you're unraveling something completely by pulling on a single thread. The butterfly effect at work.

Do you go back in time to stop the Tornado from ever happening, but in the process, let Chloe die? Or do you abandon an entire town full of innocent people, people you met, got to interact with and spend time with throughout the game, to save Chloe? For some gamers, it would be a simple push of a button. Each gamer is different. Gamers are people, after all, so each one reacts differently, maybe some go through the motions, play to test their skills, play to compete with others, play for the story, or any number of other reasons. For me, it used to be because it was simply fun and entertaining. But as I got older it became more about the experience, the characters and story. I became pickier about my games.

Life is Strange is no exception. In fact, it may be the first game that gave me serious pause because this wasn't a game to me anymore. It should've been, but the game had put me through my paces. It had tested my mind, my morals, my heart and my soul. I realized then, that it was the first game to affect me deeper than any game I had played before. I wasn't playing a game now, I was a decision involving peoples' lives. I hated it. Not the game, not the choices, not the developers, not the cast.

I hated having to choose. To be forced into one of the worst moments a person could ever have to be forced to deal with. It was far worse than the choice of having Chloe either hate me or die from obliging her request to let her die in peace instead of a slow death. You spent this entire game having Max and Chloe reconnect, while you're growing attached to the girls themselves. Chloe herself has numerous close calls, but you save her and your bond grows stronger. It was a constant reminder of my own bonds with friends and family.

It took me three freaking hours to make a choice. Because it wasn't an easy one. I treated it the way I would have if it was happening for real. If you were forced to choose to save someone you love (friends, family, take your pick) or save a town full of people, what would you have done? I hesitated. Again, this wasn't a game to me anymore. Part of me wish it had been, but it had taken me to somewhere I wasn't expecting. Now I had to choose. I chose to save the town.

Suffice it to say, I cried. I hated myself. Ever since episode three, the game had pushed me to places I hadn't expected, forced me to revisit good memories and bad and I was constantly being broken, put back together and broken again. It was rough. I know that's on me for taking it in a personal way, removing the fiction and putting myself in Max's shoes.

Going into that final episode of the first season, I thought the tough parts were behind me, like my past. As of almost two years ago, I forgave my abuser for what was done to me. I was moving forward in life. Sadly, had to move again, but it wasn't for like the reasons from before. Though I do try to keep in contact with my friends from high school. I still miss them.

That's why this affected me so deeply. Not just ending, but the entire game. I connected with it on such a personal level, forced to confront my own thoughts, feelings, past and memories that it was like I was right there beside Max and Chloe. Probably why I ended up caring about them so much, because I didn't want them to go through what I experienced. Yet again, I connected with Max, who was constantly trying to undo the past, the mistakes.

Sad to say, I suffered as Max did, but in a very different way. Whilst she was being physically pulled back and forth through time, I have been going through a more mental and psychological experience. Dreams and Nightmares have been putting me back in high school and for a long time I've mourned a childhood that I had wished had been different. To say that I have regret is an understatement. Same with letting go.

Saying goodbye, having to mourn, grieve, or lose someone, be they living or dead are utter agony to me. I realize now it may have been one of the lessons I needed to learn. As cool as time travel is, there's no going back. There's no fixing what happened. There's no undoing mistakes or past trauma. All you can do is move forward, make better decisions, heal (or in my case, do the damndest to try and fully heal) and live your life. I have to say goodbye to my past, to that chapter of my life, if I am to move on. If I don't, the butterfly effect will catch up with me, and I know where that goes.

Nostalgia is meant to be temporary. It's probably as close to time travel as we will ever get. We have the memories, the experiences, but we're not meant to take it any further than that. It's why time moves forward, like us. We're not going back.

It's time I did the same.

So with that I want to thank DONTNOD and their entire development team, the publishers Square Enix, Feral Interactive, and the Black Wing Foundation.

To the writers Christian Divine and Jean-Luc Cano, that is some of the best work I've ever experienced as a gamer, reader, writer and a person.

To the directors Raoul Barbet and Michel Koch, thank you for leading the story into somewhere surprising, unexpected, wonderful, terrifying, familiar, amazing, and every other word I can think of.

To the composer Jonathan Morali, although the story and characters were there, without your music to aid in the experience, it wouldn't be the same, thank you.

To the entire cast of the first season, incredible work.

Lastly, to the two leads, Hannah Telle and Ashly Burch, that was some of the best damn voice acting I've experienced. I've seen the directors' commentary, so I have seen what this project meant to you both. Definitely will be writing to you both again in the future.

To everyone I may have forgotten, to everyone involved with this game, and even to the fellow fans of this game, I love you and you are amazing. I have seen the impact this game has had on others, not just myself, and it was something I took into consideration before writing this. The subjects covered in the game might be uncomfortable and even difficult to deal with, but I hope anyone else dealing with these issues gets the help they need. It's one thing to see it in a book, film, tv show or game, it's another to experience it yourself.

The awards this game has received are more than well deserved.

I never expected this game, or any game for that matter to affect me, let alone help me, move forward in my life, but it has.

Thank you.

[ladystylestores]

Deciding who lives and dies in a Cape Town township

Funeral parlour manager Luthando Gqamana says many people don’t say their relative died of Covid-19

The BBC’s Andrew Harding visits a township in South Africa’s coastal city of Cape Town to see how it has been hit by coronavirus.

While the surfers are back out in large numbers on the waves in False Bay, taking advantage of an easing of some lockdown rules in South Africa, just inland on the sandy, windswept plains of Khayelitsha, coronavirus is spreading fast through the impoverished, crime-ridden township and, in the process, highlighting some of the challenges this whole country is likely to face in the coming weeks.

“Yes, we’re definitely seeing very big numbers currently here,” said Dr Ayanda Trevor Mnguni, head of internal medicine at the 300-bed Khayelitsha District Hospital.

When the health workers need treatment

In a health service already wrestling with a historic shortage of nurses, Dr Mnguni has already had to triple the number of medical staff, and turn the entire hospital into a Covid-19 ward.

But now many of his key workers are, themselves, succumbing to the virus.

Khayelitsha has more than 100,000 homes

“We’ve got a lot of staff who are infected. We’ve had a week where we lost our porters. The following week it was our radiographer. A week after that… our staff from the laboratory,” said Dr Mnguni.

The strains have exposed the underlying health issues in the community.

“The majority of our nurses are themselves patients who’ve got diabetes and hypertension, so that puts a huge strain on the system. Also, we’re noticing an explosion of undiagnosed diabetics, who are now being diagnosed as a result of Covid. And that obviously overwhelms our emergency unit,” added Dr Mnguni.

‘Spreading like wildfire’

With its own wards full, Khayelitsha District Hospital is sending new cases across the road to a new facility, built, in the space of one month, in a sports hall, and run by Médecins Sans Frontières – an organisation that has been a familiar presence in the neighbourhood for 20 years, focusing on the battle against HIV/Aids.

South Africa Covid-19 crisis. [ Confirmed cases: 159,333 ],[ Total deaths: 2,749 ],[ Most deaths: aged 60-69 (717); 50-59 (652); 40-49 (339); 80-89 (246) ],[ Male deaths: 1,444 ],[ Female deaths: 1,301 ],[ Worst-affected area: Western Cape (64,377 cases and 1,896 deaths) ], Source: Source: South African government (1 July), Image:

The MSF clinic is one of many steps that this province – the Western Cape – has taken to prepare for an anticipated surge of cases.

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“Already this is spreading like wildfire,” said Eric Groemaere, a Belgian MSF Doctor who has spent many years in Khayelitsha.

“We are having to take some tough decisions. There’s no point sending the extremely sick cases back to the referral hospital because they don’t have the staff or the equipment. The hospitals in this region cannot cope,” he said.

Instead, the most severe cases are left, almost certainly to die, in a palliative care section in the corner of the sports hall, while the precious supplies of oxygen are reserved for those perceived to have a better chance of recovery.

Everyone volunteering to help

Dr Groemaere, who has long experience fighting TB, HIV and Ebola, emphasised the importance of a community health approach – outsourcing as much work as possible in order to reduce pressure on hospitals.

” I worry about the old people. There’s nobody to look after them”https://ift.tt/2HfCbR7;, Source: Theodora Luthuli, Source description: Nursery school principal, Image:

He also stressed the need to secure reliable supplies of oxygen – one patient can easily use four huge bottles a day – and to find enough staff, particularly nurses, in order to help turn the patients over at regular intervals to lie on their chests.

Khayelitsha has so far recorded more than 6,500 cases of coronavirus, the second-highest number in a Cape Town district. The township has a population of about 400,000, according to the 2011 census.

A few miles away, in the neighbouring township of Nyanga East, several hundred people were lining up for a free meal, served by a local nursery school and funded by donations. The elderly stood in their own, separate queue, while children and adults stood in line on either side of the street.

“I’m hungry. No food at home. No money,” said one elderly woman.

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The principal of Khanyisa Nursery, Theodora Luthuli, said food aid was being given to 500 to 1,000 people, and the number was rising daily.

“This virus has exposed underlying issues. People were already unemployed here, lockdown or not,” she said.

“I worry about these old people. There’s nobody to look after them, and even the places where they can isolate are becoming full of infection.

“But during this period, we’ve experienced everyone trying to help. A lot of my volunteers are actually men, who are often abusers and cause violence against women. So now they’re saying enough is enough,” said Ms Luthuli.

The survivor

Back in Khayelitsha, 46-year-old Lusanda Jonas was busy exercising in her front yard, shuffling a few steps in her fluffy pink slippers and dressing gown before stopping and rotating her arms in a slow circle.

She had been discharged from hospital a day earlier, having recovered from Covid-19 after spending a fortnight in intensive care.

“People are not taking it seriously. It makes me feel so bad,” said Ms Jonas, a diabetic who works as an administrative secretary at a nearby police station.

She had come home to learn that six people “on this same street” had died from the virus.

“This virus is going to kill more people. You need to stay at home and take care of yourself. You need to wear a mask,” she said, before going inside for a rest.

The 2011 census showed that 19% of households in Khayelitsha had no monthly income

At a nearby shopping centre, almost everyone was wearing a face mask, and standing patiently in long queues outside banks and supermarkets.

But many people in Khayelitsha live in informal settlements – in home-made tin shacks – where self-isolation and social distancing are near impossibilities.

Another issue being confronted here, alongside a lack of education about the virus, is stigma – a familiar challenge from the long struggle against HIV/Aids.

“There’s a whole stigma attached to the fact that someone passed away from Covid,” said Luthando Gqamana, manager of Nothemba Funeral Services – one of the largest in the township. Its motto is “The last people to let you down.”

No funeral rituals

Late one afternoon workers were busy unloading the day’s last three Covid-19 corpses from an undertaker’s van, and moving the body bags into the company’s large freezer unit in a dank warehouse near the railway lines.

Standing beside a display of wooden coffins, Mr Gqamana described how many clients were reluctant to admit that their relatives had died of the virus, and how they became angry when they were told that – since the cause of death was always clearly indicated in official documents – they could not perform certain traditional rituals, like touching or dressing the body of a dead relative.

“When they are burying a loved one and can’t perform certain rituals – that’s when it kicks in that, no, this is actually real,” he said.

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