#fear and panic!! (oh…)
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
regrettorisotto · 4 months ago
Text
i fucking LOVE LIFE !!!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHY???? IM ALIVE AT THE SAME TIME AS AO3 EXISTS!! THERES NEVER BEEN A BETTER AGE EVER !!!!! AND IM LIVING NOW AAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
5K notes · View notes
rubber-glovs · 2 months ago
Text
Me bc I'm getting my very first gender affirming haircut
Tumblr media
26 notes · View notes
a-strange-little-one · 2 years ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
One Step at a Time (Psychonauts Fan-Comic)
444 notes · View notes
gingermintpepper · 10 months ago
Text
"Hey Ginger, what are you thinking about at 2 am?"
"Well, you know that one part in Graf's 'Apollo' where he concludes that Apollo's deathbringing is not opposed to his joy-bringing but that, in fact, through him both aspects are unified and given equal prominence?"
"Oh, you mean:
Tumblr media
"Yeah,,, that's the line right there."
56 notes · View notes
starflungwaddledee · 1 month ago
Note
...so, does, Starstruck wake up with headaches she can't explain, sometimes?
yes, sometimes she does! but it usually fades quickly.
more often than not most of the contents of the dream are forgotten almost immediately upon waking up, though she remembers snippets and has a vague awareness that she doesn't like sleeping.
the stronger recognition she experiences in the dream itself- such as her alarm at hearing his voice or the knowledge that she needs to wake up before the usual happens- only occurs once she's inside the dreams.
she is also usually quite aware of the fact she's dreaming and that she should be able to wake up-- at least, until the panic sets in.
15 notes · View notes
ashintheairlikesnow · 1 year ago
Note
Ugh I love how the Streetkid Chris AU shows his parallels and differences to Kauri so well.
I wonder if Jake may be expecting Chris to be a little more like Kauri, and how that preconception alongside Chris being a little older and having his pill dependency vs seeing the "statue boy" in the rain will change things. Jake is very nonjudgmental so I think he'd quickly adjust to taking him how he comes, but this is a much more guarded Chris than he's used to. Plus Antoni is clearly worried about him being in the home.
Also, from Anon: please forgive me for storming into your asks so soon after you've posted already. but i am sobbing please write a continuation for streetkid chris (if you want to)
Streetkid Chris AU: One | Two | Three | Four
-
CW: Brief references to dubcon, heavily internalized ableism, conditioned fear response, panic attack, meltdown with stimming that causes injury, head banging
The pills kick back in about halfway through Baldur fumbling through helping Kauri to create a bed from a pullout couch. He's had some water and a handful of crackers, in the kitchen. Kauri had pulled him into the living room and moved around the space like it was his own, pulling sheets out of a closet door Baldur hadn't even noticed yet, along with pillows that he dropped unceremoniously onto the floor before he told Baldur how to take off the couch cushions and then pull the folded-up mattress on its metal frame out. Like watching paper, he thought, that you've made snowflakes out of when you open it up.
The twinge of pain he feels when the thought comes to him makes him wince. He keeps smelling something in the oven that makes his mouth water for a familiar taste he can't remember. It's locked tight back behind the white lights in his mind, and Baldur tells his thoughts to swerve away as fast as they can, to make the pain stop threatening to take over.
He's lucky.
The pills are working.
His mind is moving slow, but it's listening to him at least. It's like syrup pouring out of a bottle onto a stack of pancakes, so slow your hand is shaking with impatience, waiting for the promised sweetness that doesn't come. He feels clouded over, wading through fog, but it's a comfortable way to be. It's being good, to be like this.
Like mornings spent lying in Sir's bed, staring upwards at the ceiling or maybe beyond it, without thinking anything at all.
It's easier, this way.
Safer.
"So, there you go," Kauri says, standing back with his hands on his hips. The couch has become a cozy bed, with a half-dozen pillows and four blankets piled up high. Baldur could sleep there for days, and as long as the pills kept coming, he wouldn't even notice he wasn't moving. "Will that work? We'll have to share, though, is that okay?"
Baldur swallows. "I-I don't, um-" No. No no no. Statue boy, he reminds himself. Good boys are statue boys. Silence is better than stammering, stillness is better than what I do. His fingers twitch, just once, and then the fog of the pills smothers his fears and presses them down. The prickling energy that bursts out of him when he's sober is safely held back. He pictures his racing mind running out of air, limbs slowing, lungs expanding just once more and then no longer. "I don't mind. I... don't like to sleep alone."
"Yeah." Kauri's face briefly goes strange, like it's been emptied-out of feeling. "Me neither. Never have. Alone is-"
"-bad," Baldur finishes, in a whisper. "No one wants you."
"Right. Yeah. They taught you that, too, huh?"
"No one wants you... then you're not real," Baldur says. He can feel his handler's hand heavy on the back of his neck, like a ghost breathing against his ear.
"... Shit. I guess even the worst shit was just part of the program, huh?" Kauri stares down at the couch-bed for one long moment of heavy silence, then he inhales sharply and laughs, empty and hollow. "We're just fucking dolls in the toy store for rich idiots to pull the legs off of, aren't we? All the same, come in the same boxes-... never mind. I'm having a weird day." He shakes himself like a dog shaking off water. "Just ignore me being weird, it happens sometimes."
"Yeah," Baldur murmurs. "Me, too. Happens... to me, too." Baldur hears an echo of someone screaming in his mind - maybe himself - but the stab of pain doesn't come. He manages to smother the memory before it can come together enough to hurt him.
Kauri takes a deep breath. "Okay, so. Weirdness steadfastly ignored, we'll just settle in and then when dinner is ready-"
The front door opens, and Baldur spins on his heels, hands slipping behind his back. Position One is thoughtless, effortless, instinctive. He always met Sir in Position One or Position Two, depending on the day. Kauri, though, doesn't slip into any position - he just smiles, wide blue eyes sparkling with a warmth Baldur has never seen in him before.
The man who walks inside isn't that much older than Baldur, but he's huge. Tall, and heavily muscled, built like the handlers who could pick Baldur up like a child and force him back against the wall or onto a table no matter how he kicked or fought, until he learned not to fight any longer. He has close-cropped ashy blond hair trending towards light brown, pale skin, and his own face lights up as soon as he sees Kauri, returning the sunshine looks they give each other.
It hurts.
Baldur's never had anyone look at him like that.
"Hey, Kauri," The man says, in a deep voice that sounds like the warm summer nights when Baldur sleeps out in the park and doesn't get cold at all. Then he looks over to Baldur, still standing in careful position, and some of the warmth fades. "Woah. Who's this?"
"Friend of mine," Kauri says, and he grabs Baldur by one arm and pulls him closer, careless of how he stumbles. Once they get close enough, Baldur can smell the tall man's cologne. It's a good smell, kind of woodsy. Not at all like Sir's, which would feel like it stuck inside of Baldur until it was all he could smell. "This is Chris."
"Hey, Chris," Jake says. His smile is back in place, but it's more polite. He holds out a hand, and after a delay, Baldur realizes he's supposed to shake and sticks his hand out. "I'm Jake Stanton."
Baldur catches the way his eyes drop, seeing the barcode on the inside of Baldur's left wrist. Nothing in his expression changes at all, but something of the fizzing tension in the air does. Baldur swallows around a tightness in his throat.
Those eyes are back on him-
Oh. Jake's eyes are blue, too. Like Kauri's but not like his at all.
"WRU, Facility 001, Designation Romantic 223499," Baldur says automatically, to the unspoken question he thinks he sees there.
"You don't have to do that here," Kauri says in a rush, putting a hand on Baldur's back. "It's not like that."
"It's... always like that," Baldur says. He thinks he sees interest in Jake's face, curiosity, and maybe that's who he'll have to give his body to, to earn dinner and the couch bed to sleep on. He can do that. As long as he keeps his mind untethered from his body, he can move his hips and arch his back and make all the sounds and drift inside of himself until it's over.
"Not here," Jake says, voice deep and gentle. He won't be so bad, Baldur thinks. He'll be slow about it, not like the ones who don't care if it hurts. He won't have to lie as hard to make it believable that he enjoys it. "You don't do that here." He turns back to Kauri, and it feels like light moves behind a cloud when his eyes are off of Baldur. "Where's Nat?"
"Up in her room," Kauri says, shrugging. "And Antoni-"
"Is here," The feline-eyed man says from the bottom of the stairs. Baldur blinks, then jumps - a half-second delayed. He hadn't even heard him come down, even though the stairs are creaky in such old houses. "I can talk to you about something?" Those dark eyes briefly rest on Baldur.
There's no warmth in them.
"Huh? What's up?"
Antoni pauses. "In my room, please, Jasha."
Baldur's heart chills. Even through the pleasant fog of pills, he can hear the coldness there. And he knows it's about him, he knows it. He's done something wrong, wrong enough to be talked about. Like handlers outside his door, talking about what he did wrong and what they'll do to make him sorry. He chokes on the fear of it - consequences hurt so much. He must have been caught swaying, or touching, or making sounds that are against his rules.
"... sure, Ant. Just a sec." Jake frowns. He leaves his sneakers on a mat by the door and follows Antoni up - the stairs creak when he walks up them. They're already talking in low voices that don't quite travel.
He hears Antoni's voice, a soft, Not sure it is a good idea for him to be here.
He did something wrong.
Suddenly, Baldur can barely breathe. His vision is blurs of color, shadow and light. His fingers twitch again, and this time they don't stop. His head is full of a crashing noise that even the pills can't hold back.
He's in trouble. He did something wrong. He's in trouble, and they'll come back down and ask, Do you know what you did, darlin'? And he'll have to guess, and he always guesses wrong.
The games are always rigged for him to lose.
You don't learn any other way, sweetheart.
His breath gets halfway down his throat and stops there. It's stuck, and he wishes he was so drunk he blacked out, or so high he slept for the next few days, until whatever he's done wrong blows over and they forget to punish him, or maybe just punish him but he doesn't remember it.
His heart beats so loud inside of him, blood rushing in his ears. His eyes go to the wall, and he can quiet the chaos inside him if he can get to it, but his feet are stuck right here to the floor. He can't. He can't, it's against his rules, he has to be good, be a statue boy, be silent be still but being still hurts so fucking much when he's scared-
Kauri isn't looking at him. He watches the two men go, thick eyebrows a little furrowed. "I wonder what that's about. Antoni can be so weird, sometimes, I swear-" He breaks off and turns, looking at Baldur. He must see something there. He must see the terror in wide green eyes, the white showing all around, in the way his fingers are shaking, how he can't quite stop bouncing on the balls of his feet with the need to get to a place he can curl up and hide, or hit his head on the wall, until the chaos quiets and he can think again.
The pills are supposed to stop this.
They don't.
"Chris?"
He flinches violently backwards when he realizes Kauri is right in front of him, has somehow moved without him seeing. Those long-fingered hands are warm, palms on either side of his face. Those big blue eyes are looking right at his, reflecting him there in Kauri's pupils. When he flinches, Kauri pulls away, and Baldur misses the warmth of touch the way he used to miss darkness when he lived always under white lights.
"Hey." Kauri's voice is soft, slow and gentle. "Hey. Chris, what's wrong? Talk to me?"
There aren't words. He can feel them, there are words, but they're trapped behind teeth on top of tongue. They shift, dipping beneath the surface before he can get his mouth around them. He can't use any of them at all. His hands move, shaking, to twist and pull at the hem of his shirt, but-
No-
Have to be still-
He can't.
He can't be still. He can't be the statue boy, the fear is too strong. And if he can't be still, he'll be in even worse trouble. It's a cycle, a loop of warm ocean water sucked up into the hurricane. It's ash blocking out the sun, killing all the dinosaurs. He remembers the dinosaurs. He remembers the asteroid hit the earth, and the planet was swept by fire burning everything that survived the strike. He remembers that his mind moves like objects in space, impossibly fast and dangerous, because it isn't allowed.
"Chris?" Kauri's swimming in and out of his awareness. He knows there are hands on him, leading him to the couch bed. He feels, distantly, the softness of pillows as his back rests against them. He knows as if staring from the top of a mountain that Kauri is speaking to him in a voice like the clouds rolling in far below.
He can hear other voices, too, but they don't make it through the haze of panic. It's derailed everything. The pills aren't helping, they're making it worse. He can sense the comforting warm blanket of being high just out of reach, and instead it's all terror, overwhelming, flooding the plain.
He knows his mouth is moving.
He can hear himself, tinny and small and from a distance too far to cover, saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, don't be mad, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to I didn't mean to I'm sorry, please don't be mad over and over again. He tries to be still. He hits his head on Kauri's shoulder and that strikes new terror, so he hits his head harder, then he bites - he buries teeth into skin that he only belatedly realizes isn't his when Kauri makes a sound of pain.
It's a cycle.
He's circling, he's a hurricane, his mind is dangerous and his body is wrong and it has to be stopped.
He can't stop.
He wails, half a scream that he tries to catch and pull back. The sound dips and drops, it becomes a low, wordless moan, over and over and over again. It rises from the person inside of him who used to exist before he signed his life away and they wrote a new him onto the body of the old one.
He used to be someone else.
He used to be someone better.
He used to make noises like this, before they made him stop. Before they made sure he knew that rocking - he's rocking, he feels himself sway forward and back, his fingers twisting and pulling at fabric, moving and moving to calm the rising chaos and violence inside of him - would lead to pain and fear. Before they taught him to take every pill he was given until his body was quiet and still and good for them, for the handlers for Sir for anyone who wants to fuck him or put a hand on his head and make him choke.
The thick clay shell they made him build up around himself, though, has gone brittle.
It shatters.
He rocks and rocks. He hears the sounds he is making like they belong to someone else. He feels tears, hot and burning as they track down his cheeks, cooling rapidly to drip onto his shirt, onto Kauri's shirt and neck when his face buries itself there. His sounds vibrate against Kauri's scarred collarbone. His fingers are gripped into Kauri's shirt now, holding so tight the threadbare fabric rips and his fingertips brush the heat of skin beneath. There are other voices besides Kauri's, but he doesn't listen to them, he can't listen to them or the fear will rise again.
Kauri is talking to him.
His chin is on Baldur's head, and he's talking, murmuring, "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, I've got you, I've got you, honey, it's okay," over and over and over again. One hand is on the back of his neck, a gentle weight that starts him falling back down to earth.
He rocks with Baldur.
The hurricane starts to wear itself out, spinning and spinning but the wind dies down. He's falling out of the eye onto the ground. The noise inside his head is agony but it's agony he can hear over and around. He doesn't know how long it's been. The rocking is gentle, endless and soothing, and Kauri's other hand rubs up and down his back like-
His mother-
Someone he can't remember used to do when he did this, a long time ago.
"It's okay. You're okay. You're okay," Kauri whispers.
There are other voices, but Baldur can't hear them or he'll be a hurricane again. He keeps his thoughts on Kauri, on the rock of their bodies together, on the weight and warmth of someone holding on to him until he can come back down to earth.
The eruption stops, the flow of rivers bright orange and red and white with heat cooling to dark, solid, safe.
His bones stop burning, his head stops pounding with the noise inside of it.
Kauri is still rocking.
"I've got you," His low voice whispers, too deep for his delicate shape and size. "I've got you, Chris. Let it out, you're okay, I've got you. I've got you."
He struggles to remember how to make the feeling inside him into words, manages to whisper, " Don't-... don't go-"
"I won't," Kauri promises. His arms are tight and strong around Baldur's shaking, skinny body. "I won't. I'm right here. I'm right here."
"What the hell-" Jake's voice interrupts. "What the hell happened?"
"Why... why is he-" That's Antoni, who wanted to talk, who was talking to Jake about him. His voice is shaking, though, his accent thick and heavy. "Why he is yelling so loud-... you can make it stop? The-... screaming-"
Baldur stiffens.
Stop.
Silent.
Still.
Be good.
Good boys are statue boys, good boys-
The thought breaks apart when he hears Kauri's voice crack loud like a whip against the tile floor. "Probably because the two of you decided to go goddamn gossip. Get the fuck out of this room before I take a cast iron to your faces, you assholes."
"Shit." That's Jake, he thinks. Baldur hides against Kauri's neck until he can't possibly see their faces. The anger, the hate, how they'll be planning his punishment.
But then... footsteps.
They leave.
They go.
Because Kauri told them to.
"Let it out," Kauri murmurs, once they're alone again. "Let it out. Whatever you gotta do, you do it. I'm staying right here."
Baldur tightens his grip on Kauri's torn shirt and starts, finally, to cry. The last of the hurricane falls as tears when the wind dies, draining the terror from him to soak into Kauri's shirt.
"I, I bit you," He whispers, when the words are there. When throat and teeth and tongue work together, finally, to form them. "I'm sorry. I... I, I bit you-"
"No worries," Kauri says, right against his ear. "Didn't even draw blood. Trust me, you're not the first guy to bite - probably not even the tenth - and you won't be the last. But, just between us... I think you're probably my favorite."
Baldur starts to cry again.
This time, it's not a hurricane at all. It's summer showers, welcome warm rain soaking into a thirsty dried-out earth. He cries until he's emptied-out of the fear, until all that's left is hollow like cracked clay warming in the sun.
Like grass growing between dinosaur bones.
He used to know about that.
Someone who lived in his head did, anyway.
But he knows about it, too.
Baldur didn't.
But... Chris does.
-
71 notes · View notes
wyrmwizzard · 9 months ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
two jo wips and a dead pen dragon
29 notes · View notes
ulteri0rm0tives · 2 months ago
Text
Ik it's motion blur but it comes off as more like trails to me, and I do like to think about the trippy ass effects the relic/engram ends up having on V's mind, especially as it's rewrite progresses and V's mind slowly degrades.
Things like seeing trails or colors or patterns that aren't there, glitches that don't just go away when the relic malfunctions subsides, black spots in their vision that linger as if something from the picture is missing there, like a sunspot or hole burnt into a photograph, visual snow that becomes more and more intense, hearing the echoes of a memory as if it's someone else's voice, head whipping to follow the sounds like the voice is right there speaking behind them, that paranoid feeling as if they're not alone, as if they're being watched, this paranoid feeling becoming grander and grander the more and more Johnny's construct eats away at and merges with their mind, faces that look new yet familiar always shifting, feeling gradually more and more detached from their body and mind, the relic and it's damage slowly progressing into one long bad trip
(and maybe even after their mind is untangled from the construct, but the long term damage of it is still there and they're still dying, these aren't effects that just go away y'know? It's something a lot similar to HPPD, whereas the memories aren't there anymore to haunt V, and V doesn't feel as if they're being watched now that Johnny's gone, but they still experience visual distortions minus the relic glitches, things like permatrails, etc. And maybe they still have this lingering effect of depersonalization, maybe flashes of paranoia that feel similar but not quite the same anymore, that brief flicker of not being alone untill they remember, just. Reminders of the damage that's already been done.)
15 notes · View notes
lemongogo · 10 months ago
Text
more
Tumblr media
#ran out of tags LOLLLL#and then .at least on fords end . be able to witness the moment of collapse . in which all his ‘righteous’ feelings r sucked out like a#vacuum or some star collapsing on itself bc not only is he like . having to come to terms w his own flaws#and the insidious like . stomach churning guilt associated w that but also the panic and fear (realized#w the portal or bills deception) into looking outwards and having that silent ‘oh’ moment where its like yeah#thats why he left . why wouldnt he#GRAAAAA LIKE I WANT DESTRUCTIONNN I WANT THINGS 2 FALL DOWN SO HE CAN FINALLY REBUILDDD#let me innn😭😭😭😭💥let me in to the self reflection those thirty years😭😭😭💥💥💥💥💥#who did you meet that reminded you of himm😭😭😭who wronged u in similar ways who gave u a reason to be betterrr whoo what did you see#and when you finally came back what did u FEEEL .. and dont lie and say there wasnt that wisp of nostalgia laced arnd ur heart#girl…..talk to me focus on me u know me u know these things#stanford pines#gravity falls#sry for taggingn these i need it for my own blog i prmmy i need to reference this . i will#ok im back bc i read fords end snd i want to rip my hair out bc fiddleford has such good ‘collapse’ imagery too#like we liteally got the soc of the blind eye videos . HIS DOCUMENTSRYYY#oohhhits rly over for us (me) now (and stanford and fiddleford.and stanley bc i feel bad excluding him💔)#only talking ab ford bc i need a reason to connect it to stan bc im sick in tbe brain and i need the familial conflict aspect too#but fidds .. ur misery does not go unnoticed by me ‼️#anyways. ik i said idc if they didnt get back together but the beauty of multiplicity is also liking the idea#HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHlike whenb im over the conflict im like dude they went through so much tgether it must be nice to find urself in the#familiarity again. uugughh.AUUUH./
21 notes · View notes
0246h · 3 months ago
Text
misophonia + sensory issues are torture. i'm so tired of all of this.
#misophonia#i'm so tired of being so triggered by sounds. can't function day to day without plugging my ears 98% of the time#trying not to relapse in sh and skin scratching but it completely fell through over hearing a spoon hit a glass bowl#i think dealing with noise triggers is one of the hardest things to cope with. i just cannot do it#i've tried watching mukbangs & people using utensils my whole life to adjust and “get over it” as so many have told me to#but oh my fucking god i can't i want to smash my head into a wall until i can't hear anymore#i've spent so long isolating and avoiding everything just so i can't hear trigger noises#even in therapy my therapist played audio that triggers me & tried to do tapping exercises to help#but i fear i'm doomed#i wanna vomit tbh. this makes life hell. it makes me feel so stupid#also makes me feel childish with people because their responses are always like “you should have grown out of this by now”#because my whole life it's been “you'll grow out of it” i genuinely looked forward to that day where i would grow out of it....#desperately couldn't wait for my time but now since being diagnosed with autism + adhd & learning more ik it's just stuck with me#i can't grow out of neurodevelopmental disorder or symptoms. i have sm grief w this diagnosis bc it can't be 'fixed' i thought everything#could be fixed one day... even seeing certain movements triggers hearing the sound in my head when it isn't there. i can't rest.#repetitive movements also bother me and make me want to rip my hair out#like i wish my brain would chill and give me a break. i try so hard to mask everything too around people but i still fall through so much#it's so exhausting#i'm so frustrated and tired#i want to throw up.#i also despise when i've communicated this to people close to me & they'll say they understand + tell me their triggers to relate to me...#then when i have to hang up out of panic on a call... or put my earplugs in in front of someone while talking.. meltdown.. or walk off-#i'm then met with confusion / irritation / anger despite communicating a million times#people are valid to get tired of me over these things. i get that. it's excessive & frustrating. i'm tired of me + these issues too.#but i wish people that said they understood... really did.#i've been called dramatic for years and yeah it is very dramatic. it's fucking awful and has ruined so much for me.#i have huge emotions over it. i'm glad people can brush it off as dramatic and not personally deal with it.#i just laugh and claim the dramatic title a lot of the time because those who say it just really don't understand. it's lonely. i'm so alon#always will be.#tw vent
14 notes · View notes
maybege · 8 months ago
Text
help there’s a man coming over to my apartment today
12 notes · View notes
birdietrait · 2 years ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
frances fisher <3
damon hooked up with cj, one of his friend's roommates...and she stopped by a couple days later sporting a bump. damon was not happy about it at first, but the idea grew on him and soon the soon-to-be parents decided to move in together. soon, baby frances was born!
108 notes · View notes
ajokeformur-ray · 11 months ago
Text
One of my coworkers is pregnant and I'm really happy for her, but also my tokophobia is very active, I've been on shift with her for 24 minutes and I already feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack 😭 no one at work today knows about my tokophobia, I'm keeping it to myself and being so brave about it.
18 notes · View notes
hyperrealisticblood · 1 year ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
rosemary is trying to help you all decipher the symbols!! unfortunately he is not good at it
29 notes · View notes
heyhoneyfox · 3 days ago
Text
I have just realised the irony of me, a massive mycophobe (my biggest fear is mold), to have a pet snail, a decomposer. What do you mean your favourite food is something that terrifies me so bad that it sends me into fight or flight. I mean yeah of course I'll give it to you but what the fuck dude
3 notes · View notes
getyinyusedtoit · 8 months ago
Text
DO NOT SPEAK TO ME.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
4 notes · View notes