#feels both good & bad but mostly bad. recovery is weird

[meanbossart]

I do love how Astarion, lovingly, tells DU Drow to stfu about his breeding kink lol

Astarion, for the first time in two hundred years can have sex the way he likes. Do you have any headcanons about him and DU Drow discovering what he actually likes?

(I'm pretty positive this was in reference to this, (un)fortunately my inbox is a little hard to keep up with so I must have missed this one at the time)

Kind of! I try not to overthink his internal processing of sex following everything that has happened, as I feel like that runs the risk of setting too clear a line between good and bad recovery and experimentation - y'know, that concept I have delved into a few times by now about how I assume he continues to do things that make him uncomfortable/that he doesn't necessarily wants to do, not to self-harm but simply because he doesn't want to be held back by by his experiences and (mostly) has the ability to deal with the emotional consequences of it, as long as it was a choice he made of his own free will.

Which is to say that I think Astarion was willing to try a lot of things with his partner. Especially after "vanilla" sex became normalized between them past the end of the campaign (as they weren't really fucking during it at all) and things like putting small fantasies of his own the table started to feel like a strange, but tempting excursion. This is a trigger for the both of them to be much more blatant about their desires with each other, especially once DU drow gets over his perception of Astarion as some kind of wounded bird who needs to be handled with kid gloves.

While Astarion doesn't strike me as someone who'd ever get into wizard sex inflation or whatever gimp parties the Loviatar people are throwing, I do think he likes it when sex is injected with a degree of weirdness, even awkwardness. Keeps him from the temptation of defaulting back to a script like he used to do - even if whatever they got up to wasn't particularly titillating, at least he was present all throughout it, which would be a priority. I think it will take decades for Astarion to figure out what he's actually into into.

In the meantime, he is very fond of his partner's body, his general behavior in bed and of taking his time, also a bit of an oral fixation. Unless purposefully leaving his comfort zone, Astarion prioritizes his own fun and enjoyment because he knows DU drow gets off on being the source of it. This is a very body-worshippy couple overall, but Astarion is the main perpetrator since it is an invigorating experience to not be in the role of the Desired after having his identity revolve around that very concept for so long. Naturally, DU drow lets him do whatever the hell he wants to him and doesn't even demand that he finishes, or that it escalates to actual sex at all. It works out well for them.

[suzukiblu]

WIP excerpt for Cheshire behind the cut; Kon meets pink kryptonite and decides to fuck Tim and his boyfriend about it. (( chrono || non-chrono ))

Bernard is still dressed, but his body is warm underneath Kon’s and he’s holding onto him and wants him right where he is, likes him right where he is, and Kon would not move for anything short of an apocalypse right now. And he’s talking, like, a real apocalypse. Like, an all-hands-on-deck one. Not one that, like, just the League alone could handle. 

Fuck, he just feels so good. All . . . heavy, and melted, and . . . 

“I can see the usefulness,” Tim says wryly, giving Kon’s head an absent little pat like it’s a reflex before picking up his camera again and starting to look through the pictures in it as Bernard draws his hands up Kon’s spine in languid, appreciative strokes. 

And that. Kon feels . . . like that, too. Like something useful and appreciated, and something that’s a reflex. 

And that feels good too. 

“Spoken like a man who always wants to put me on pause when I wanna cuddle so he can work on totally not Bat-files,” Bernard teases, stroking back down Kon’s spine. Tim laughs, and Kon just stays heavy and floaty on top of Bernard without worrying about either the dichotomy of that or what Tim’s doing with the pictures he’s looking through or anything else, and Bernard skims a hand up the back of his neck and over the buzzed-down part of his undercut. Kon turns his head a little at the contact, not really on purpose, and vaguely remembers what a mess his face is right now. All . . . sticky, still. 

Much less vaguely, his skin prickles, and a low curl of heat blooms in his gut as Bernard’s nails curl against his skin. 

Which–Kon just got off. He can wait, dammit. Very definitely he can wait. 

Bernard curls his fingers again, and Kon feels just the littlest, little bloom of warmth in his chest, too. Though that makes a lot less sense than the more insistent one in his gut, and really just seems weird. Which, like–not the time to be weird right now. Or horny. Or weird and horny. 

He can absolutely not be weird and horny, Kon lies to himself, and then tries to lick some of the candy-sticky drool off his lower lip at the exact same moment Bernard reaches up to wipe it away with his thumb, and so instead he mostly ends up licking him, and . . . 

Yeah, he definitely cannot pull off “not weird and horny”. Like. Ever. 

Well–he is who he is and all, he figures, and then just licks Bernard’s thumb deliberately and curls his tongue around it. 

If it’s maybe a little sticky or whatever, well–he’s really not worried about that. 

“Fuck,” Bernard mutters, sliding the pad of his thumb down the crease of his tongue. “Nightwing and Starfire are missing out.” 

Kon can’t quite bite back a little preening grin around Bernard’s thumb at the compliment, but it’s fine, he figures, and then tips his head a little and slides his tongue down to trace along the web between the other’s thumb and palm. It’s just, like, a little flirting or whatever. He’s not trying to rush anything; they’ve got all weekend. He’ll give Tim and Bernard both all the recovery time they need. All the breaks or whatever. 

Doesn’t mean he can’t try to be a little inspiring in the meantime, though. 

They're making him feel good. He just wants to be sure he’s doing that for them too. 

Kon hears Tim’s camera go off again right before he sucks Bernard’s thumb all the way into his mouth and rolls his tongue up against it, so he figures he’s not doing too bad a job of that so far.

“Hey, Tim, I think your boy is kind of a monster in bed,” Bernard mentions conversationally, curling his fingers in against and under Kon’s jaw. “Which, like, I obviously should’ve sussed out sooner, so that’s my bad, but Jesus, man, I actually lost count of how many times we got you off and you’re really ready to go again immediately after the last one?” 

“I mean, not immediately,” Kon says, letting the other’s thumb slip out of his mouth so he can answer clearly, but also pressing a kiss to his knuckles and smirking just a little bit against them. Because, like, why not. He’s in the neighborhood and all. “Probably gonna need some more lube before you stick it in me again.” 

“Jesus,” Bernard says under his breath, then laughs a little sheepishly. “You really still up for that? Not–okay, stupid question, I was about to ask if you were sore, I promise I am not actually that deluded about the impressiveness of my own dick. Or Tim's, much as I love the thing."

Kon laughs too, then just shakes his head and tries to figure out how to, like . . . explain it, exactly, but . . . 

“Naw,” he says with a loose little shrug, tucking his face in against Bernard’s neck again and half-mouthing at it for a moment before finishing his thought. It’s–nice to. That’s all. “Just feel, uh–a little sensitive, maybe? Like I can tell somebody’s been touching me, but, uh–definitely not sore. Like–at all.” If anything he feels more like he does when somebody touches him to get him all riled-up and sensitive in preparation for getting touched more, but that feels a little embarrassing to just, like–say, considering what he’d be saying it about. 

Then again, again: he is who he is and all.

“Just feels, you know–like it felt after you got me ready for you,” he says, and slides a hand up Bernard’s side as he bites his lip around a grin that’s maybe a little bit sheepish itself, even hidden against the other’s throat. “Like I’m, uh–ready.” 

“Jeeeeesus,” Bernard groans, covering his face with both hands. “Tim, holy shit. I am officially gonna become a Metropolis supervillain just so I can corner the market on pink kryptonite.” 

[transmascissues]

I cannot thank you enough for your posts about top surgery. I'm hoping to get mine in a couple years. Your updates are really comforting to me, even (maybe especially) the bad stuff because it makes me feel more prepared. I hope your recovery keeps going well!

On another note, how did you decide whether to keep your nipples or not? I like how chests look with and without them, so it's hard to choose

for me there were a few factors that led me to go nipless:

the biggest thing was that when i imagined my body post-op, i naturally always saw it without nipples. that was just what felt right when i thought about how it would look — i didn’t even have to think about it, that’s just what came to mind. i figured, if i’m automatically picturing myself like that, that’s probably a good indication of what i would be happiest with.

i’ve also always had sensory issues related to my nipples. i basically wore a sports bra constantly, including when i slept, because i hated the feeling of loose fabric touching them and moving against them. so if i had kept my nipples, i would’ve ended up with either no sensation or more discomfort, not anything positive.

i really didn’t want to deal with the healing process for nipple grafts. my skin is super sensitive and finicky, so if anyone would be almost guaranteed to have problems with graft healing, god only knows it would be me. i also know i’m more prone to infection than most people, so avoiding the part of the surgery that has the highest chance of infection seemed like a good plan. on top of all that, i’m also a huge baby about having to touch any sort of injury on my body (just putting moisturizer on my mostly healed incisions was something i had to work up to), so i knew doing the graft care would be difficult for me too.

i know that i can be super picky about the way things look, especially when it comes to things like spacing and symmetry. so if i had gotten nipple grafts, i think it’s super likely that i would’ve ended up feeling like they were put in the wrong place or being bothered by any asymmetry in how they healed. obviously i wanted to pick the kind of surgery that was the most likely to give me results i would be fully satisfied with, so getting grafts despite knowing i’d probably end up nitpicking them for years to come just seemed silly.

i honestly really love the idea of having a chest that’s visibly different from a typical cis man’s chest. the goal of my transition has never been to look cis and i take a lot of pride in being recognizably trans, so having a kind of surgery that isn’t just trying to imitate what i would look like if i were cis was really appealing to me.

going without grafts is just cheaper, so given all of the other reasons i didn’t want grafts, there was just no reason for me to spend extra money on them. i want a few extra hundred dollars in my bank account way more than i want nipples.

and in hindsight, i genuinely couldn’t be happier with my decision. when i look at my chest, even now while it’s still not fully healed, it looks just like how i always imagined i would look with a flat chest and feels like the most natural thing in the world.

if you’re having trouble deciding which you like better, i would try just closing your eyes and imagining both on your body. this was one thing i did if i saw someone with grafts whose results i really liked and felt uncertain in my decision, because what i always ended up realizing was that no matter how good they looked on other people, it felt super weird imagining them on myself. in fact, most of the time i struggled to really even picture it at all.

you could also try gathering a bunch of pictures of both types of results and seeing how you feel about all of them. maybe when you look at the results with grafts, there’s only a few that you feel like you would be dissatisfied with, but when you look at results without grafts, there are a lot more that you probably wouldn’t want. or maybe it’s the other way around. like i said, you’re going to want to go with the kind of surgery you’re mostly likely to be happy with, so if you seem to be more critical of one kind of surgery’s results than the other, that can help guide your choice.

and if you really don’t feel any differently about them, consider the other factors: how do you feel about the healing process? is sensation in your nipples something you find pleasure in and would consider trying to preserve? what does the difference in cost look like for you and how important is that to you? how important is it to be able to pass as cis if necessary? and so on. your decision might end up being made based on something other than pure aesthetics and that’s totally okay.

[maxybabyy]

Daniel is three weeks into the programme when Scotty asks to join him.

“What do you say then? Should we go for a run like we used to?” He says and nudges Daniel’s shoe with a naked toe. “Get some of those muscles back on you, eh?”

Daniel laughs, hooks his foot around his ankle. He pulls him into his lap, rests his weight on his good leg. “Don’t think I can keep up with you anymore, Scotty. You, me, and my bum knee. Don’t think we’re getting very far, yeah?”

Scotty smiles, rubs a thumb over the LED bracelet he slapped on in case the sun sets before he comes home. It’s better than the yellow vest his mother had told him to wear, but it still makes him feel ridiculous. Scotty, he knows, prefers to run on trails, in the deep woods with nothing but trees and birds to keep you company.

But Daniel cannot do that now.

The forest floor is too uneven for him, filled with broken-off branches and stones the size of his fist. He can barely run a mile on a flat surface, doesn’t want to challenge himself with a broken ankle as well. So he runs by the roads now, always in the vicinity of help if he were to fall.

“Hey, Lance and the fam are coming into town in two weeks or so,” Scotty says and pulls out his phone. He flips the screen around to show him a scenic view of one of the trails they used to take before the crash. A viewpoint over the water, secluded enough that Daniel had gone to his knees without problems, sucked him off until they were both fucked out and satisfied on their way down.

“I don’t know your schedule, never know where you are these days, Ric,” he says, laughs. It feels weird in his chest, bitter to taste, but Daniel laughs with him, doesn’t say the answer nowadays is mostly PT. “But it would be cool if you could come, yeah? Been a while since we’ve done something like this.”

Daniel smiles, tightens the hand resting on Scotty’s hip.

Scotty wasn’t around when Daniel crashed, deep in his training programme for the next circuit of games. Blake had offered to call him, to arrange his flights so he could come and see him before his surgery. But Daniel hadn’t wanted Scotty to see him like that, injured and pathetic, overcome with pain at any movement of his leg.

He had been on crutches by the time Scotty came home, moving by himself and mostly off the hard meds. “Come to play nurse, haven’t I?” Scotty said and clumsily carried him to bed. But even then was a shit time for Daniel, no position suitable for both sex and his knee.

Times like these are when he regrets not involving Scotty more in his recovery. The evasive memory of his crash and subsequent injury, the current limitations he was working with.

“Don’t really think I can, babe,” Daniel says and tips him to the side, Scotty landing on the couch with a bump. He leans down to tighten his shoes, stands up for a quick stretch. “Unless you wanna carry me down?”

Scotty hums, stares at his knee, at the scar making its way down his leg. He looks, puzzled, and Daniel doesn’t know how to feel.

“Yeah, no dice, mate,” he says faintly.

Daniel shrugs, tries to breathe out the bitter frustration. He leans down for a kiss, just a brush of their lips before he’s upright again. “Right, I’ll be off. Dinner later? I will order something.”

He’s barely out of the door before his phone is in his hand, music in his ears as he presses start on the next run in his programme.

“Another day, another lovely run with you. I am coach Max, the Red Bull Running global head coach, and I will be with you every step of this two-mile run,” Max says in his ears, the familiar accent easing him into a different mindset as he lets the built-up frustration bleed away.

“You did not want to be here maybe. Perhaps the weather is bad where you run, and you feel tired today also. But you pressed start, so for the next 1.6 kilometres, I will of course help you to become the best runner you can today, and I think that is the most important thing right now.”

Daniel breathes out, shifts the pressure onto his bad knee, and when it feels good, he picks up the pace, loses himself in Max’s voice, “I’m here, Maxy. Tell me what to do.”

[chuuyasfanboy]

HII!! Could you do one with Dazai, Chuuya and Atsushi reacting to a reader who has one of those SHTWT accounts? It's a kind of strange request, but I've never seen anyone talk about it!!

I actually loved your blog, I'm currently hooked! <3

NOT a weird request at all! I dont have any social medias like this, but I interact with edtwt and have friends with both edtwt's and shtwt's, so I think I'm comfortable enough talking about the issue!

Now this may be very hypocritical of me BUT IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING MENTALLY PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP! Here's a link to a website with hotline numbers! Even if you cant get yourself to stop completely, please at least be save enough to keep living. Love you all mwah<3

https://www.pleaselive.org/hotlines/

Definitely didn't skip a matchup request to write this... Promise I'll get to you soon other person! I've had some ideas in mind heheheh

Dazai, Chuuya, and Atsushi (Seperate) x shtwt!Reader

Tw: Sh tw, mentions of edtwt in the ooc lol, spoilers dazai totally has a shtwt too</3

Dazai Osamu

Starting off with the worst reaction

Why is he the worst, you ask?

He has one too!

He totally followed you by accident because he just found this all so inspirational. And then you posted a tweet with the same joke you'd made earlier that day.

And oh he knew.

He's mad, but mostly because you never told him you were struggling.

He's the one who's supposed to be masking his emotions, damn it!

(I'm not sure if shtwt is the same way, but i know edtwt is chock full of motivational disgusting food images posting! I'm making those assumptions that its similar lol)

He definitely tries to convince you to get help, and he feels really bad for not actually being that worried.

He trusts you to keep yourself safe enough and so eventually he just gives up on the notion altogether

It doesnt take long for the two of you to be a bit more open with it all

He finally shows you whats under those bandages

It's worse than you think.

You're the one who convinces him to properly treat his cuts, and after enough bothering, you finally let him treat you the same.

Late nights when the two of you cant sleep, and he comes over.

The both of you in each others arms, disinfectant and fresh rolls of bandages discarded on the nightstand

While he may not be the one you go to for support, he definitely wont judge you for anything, not even a bit

And if you do decide to finally get help, he's there to cheer you on

Dont be fooled though, he wont be changing his ways at all

Good luck getting this stinker to find value in himself!

Chuuya Nakahara

He's got the best reaction, by far

He's trying not to judge you, really

It's not something he's ever had to struggle with these things, and the furthest he can really give you is an absurd amount of sympathy

The little experience he does have comes from his years with Dazai in the port mafia, but that was a long time ago and he hasnt had to think of it since

It brings up old memories...

You'd left it open on a private tab one night, and he found it when you asked him to look up something

He's about ready to cry, really, but he's strong

For you

He encourages you to get help, professional help

And if you decline, he doesnt push it much further

Instead, he offers you help directly

He cofiscates your razors the best he can, but he soon finds you manage to get them anyway

So he comprimises

When you forget to clean them, he does it for you

Buys you disinfectant and fresh bandages every time he knows youre running low, keeps your first aid stocked

Things like that

He politely asks to not be shown any fresh wounds, twitter post or not, and does his best not to think about the fact you post these things so openly and he hadn't even known

If you do decide to seek help, he's the most supportive.

He keeps you on your recovery plan, holds you close if you relapse, and never passes a single word of judgement your way

He's here for you, always

Atsushi Nakajima

Akutagawa found it before he did

Atsushi was told, immediately

He PANICS, and as soon as he sees you he pulls you aside

And he just cries into your arms

You're left so confused like?

What????

He understands why you didnt tell him, and he doesnt blame you for it

But he's still pretty upset

Moreso with himself than you

Again, like the other two, you'd been posting pictures of it all online and he had to be told!

He insists you get help, and he wont let up on it

Reminds you every day after a nicely times good morning text

"If you're feeling down make sure you call somebody before you do anything, okay?"

He's practically on his hands and knees begging you to unfollow the shtwt's you've bombarded your feed with

Suddenly he's terrified of looking over your shoulder at your phone, but also so afraid every time he isnt

He's really not good at sorting it out, his brain is scrambled and he's panicked every time he thinks about it

But he really does try hard to stay positive

And while one or two things he says may unintentionally come off as judgement, a good majority of his opinions on the topic is really just trying to get you help

He makes an alt account just to keep tabs on your shtwt

Its really obvious, made a day ago and following only you

You don't tell him that though<3

[dinomite2]

Female Agent 8 x male reader relationship headcanons

Yay ! Another Agent 8 x reader fic !

also what month do think side order going to release it said that it was going to be released sometime in spring so think March to April is a good time

Featuring: female Agents 4 & 3

● when 8 got out of the surface after a few months after she got out the deep sea metro defeated Commader Tarter she settled in for a new home at inkopolis Square to meet new people and to have fun in turf wars and ranked battles and so far things have been normal for her

● That was until 8 met you for the first time in the middle of inkopolis Square she was about to get a the new Quadruple fried Cosmic Shwaffle Meal from the crust bucket, but she didn't have a ticket for it since it was very rare ticket to get

● But luckily you were nice and lucky enough to get the ticket and share with her and you two ate together ,started to know about each other and what you do and quick became friends

● Your usual activities together would either be mainly just hanging out together and uncommonly at times you'd either see one or both of 8's friends Aka Agent 3 and Agent 4 and both of them are mysterious wonders to see

● we start with who seems to be the most rowdy of the two Agent 4 when she First Met you She was a friendly fellow but at times she'd be strangely and jokingly flirty with you and it mostly happen at random times but Don't worry 3 will take care of her if things go weird

"And that how it takes 6.79 seconds to refill a ink tank with no ink recovery up while it takes exactly 4.19 to fill up with ink recovery up everyone got that? " 3 said questioning 4, 8 and You

"Yep!" 8 said happily

"Yeah" you said giving a smile and a thumbs up

"Y/n would fill up my ink tank in 3 seconds~"

"4!" 8 groaned and covered her face looking down while blushing you did the same too keeping a straight face while blushing wildly while 4 just sat laid back with a smug smile on her face

3 threw her shoe Mach speed at 4 after she said that

● And secondly we have Agent 3 who's not a bad gal herself but she takes care of both 4 and 8 while also keeping a close eye on you, and making sure that your not taking advantage over any of them

●and by that a friend group was made ! And everything had gone swell for awhile hanging out and having lots of fun and doing lots of turf wars Until 8 started to show more "feelings" for you

● she blushed whenever you looked at her she stuttered 8 when was talking to you, when she looked at you from afar she looked at you with a wavy smile on her face and would sometimes do REALLY stupid stuff to try and to impress you

"um 8 are you sure about this this doesn't look safe" you said looking at 8 holding a VERY spicy pepper

"I'm a trained agent Y/n I can handle anything" 8 said with high amounts of confidence as she ate the pepper

.

"See nothing happened im fine" 8 said As her entire body was sweating and slowly starting to turn entirely red

"is sweating excessively and your body becoming red count as normal?" You questioned

"Nope I'm still fine" she said with a strained smile and was now melti- WAIT MELTING!?

"OH COD 8 now you're melting now do you want me to get 3!?"

"don't worryyyy" she said melting into a puddle of herself eyes and mouth separated like 3 cereal pieces in a bowlful of milk

"I'm getting 3 " You said walking backwards looking at the liquidfied agent 8

● and while this frantic loveshowing was in tow 3 and 4 both took notice of this and eventually found out that 8 has a crush on you!

● And 8 couldn't really hold her secret to 3 and 4 as it was eventually found True so they planned to teach 8 how to show her feelings toward you By a beautiful picnic date!

(I took this pic during the start of a big run/splatfest)

It was a crisp night on top of a hill up standing there was a tree plastered with warm colored lights and under there was picnic carpet, basket and a boombox and 8 sitting as she was waiting for you to come thanks the invitation that 3 gave you hiddenly.

"Um guys are you sure this will work?" 8 said questioning 3 and 4 on her hidden mic

"Don't worrrrrry 8 me and 3 will guide you through " 4 said reassuring 8

"And ill make sure she doesn't say anything STUPID "

"Ok ok geez I won't, look! He's coming greet him!"

"Hey 8! What's up you invited me here?"

"Uh-h hello cmon over !" 8 said blushing as you both sat down on the picnic Blanket she then pulled out a disk and placed it into the boombox

(Ost/video not mine) (also new fav music ever man)

"ohh pop 'n' schlock that's my favorite! How did you know ?" You said questioning 8

"I-ii heard from 4, uhm want a drink?" 8 said quickly pulling out a bottle of fruit punch

"Yeah I will !" You said picking up a cup

8 poured the punch into your cup and then you drank it

"Ok you're doing good Now complment him, say that you have pretty eyes " instructed 8

"Ok, um Y/n"

"Yeah?"

"I have pretty eyes "

"Uh yeah they're nice -they're" You said feeling a bit awkward about what 8 just said looking away

"No not yours his !" 3 said into the mic

" Oh! I meant you have pretty eyes not mine ok mine work" 8 Said embarrassingly

"So 8 why did you invite me you wanted to say something?"You said As pop 'n' schlock was playing

"Ok now tell him how you feel"

"Ok uh-m Y/n I like you"

"Yeah and I like you too"

"No I meant a bit more than that I love you Y/n i had a crush on you since we met"

"Oh uh well um uh i" you blushed while looking away until 8 kissed you on the cheek causing you to blush even more

"Well I'm great you showed your feelings to me 8"

And done SORRY MAN for the massive wait it was supposed to be done in the early December but I caught up on school, Christmas and my own laziness a three distraction combo lol

Also requests haven't been coming in for the past few weeks so if can request.... plz i need something else to do for Christmas break

Anyway enjoy!

[fieldsofwax]

Unpopular TVDU opinions?

1. Stefan is the most toxic person in the entire show, and the underlying point of the show is to show that this self righteous vampire that proposes to be “the good one” is not, and him having to come to terms with the impossibility of moral purity. He himself comes to terms with how he’s been lying to himself and everyone (while Katherine pulls this out of him) and still the fans ignore his own words! He’s constantly lying (to himself and others), manipulating, stigmatizing others to hide his own flaws, treating Elena as if he owns her, all while maintaining the classic toxic masculinity of stoic unemotional brick-faced ness that can only be born out of this christofascist culture. He treats emotions and philosophically fluid concepts such as morality as cold numbers and figures that must abide by his rules. He lets his girlfriend die in the place of her OG trauma family death because “she told him to” save someone he gives no ounce of effort towards giving a shit about otherwise (Matt). And thinks this is morally superior. The most Human thing a person can do is save their loved ones despite their self-effacing nature.

2. Caroline’s placement of moral purity post-vampirism puts her in a “female character box” and we are not given the chance to examine her internal struggles. Struggles such as- being similar to Stefan in Projecting her own flaws into other people to hide behind theirs. Judgmental and annoying in a way that just doesn’t do it for me, I’ve had too many women like her bully me in my life and it really puts to the grave any charm she might have real quick. Post-vampirism the writers allowed her a deep, character-respecting arc of her flaws. All she got close to that was during humanity-off so didn’t really “count.” Her and Stefan getting together really do be the cheerleader and the football player getting together.

3. Klaus is not hot. The Originals arc in TVD was written so boring and whole thing was boring, no soul to the characters

4. Rebecca is a BAMF and would have liked more of her and Damon. She’s my favorite female character besides Rose and bisexual representation 🔥

5. I liked season 5.

6. “Being a ripper” is not an excuse for that person’s actions once they take their first drink knowing what will come from that. Coming from an alcoholic in recovery. An alcoholic that runs over a child is just as culpable to trial as a “normie” (non alcoholic) drunk driver running over a child.

7. Alaric was weird AF

8. I liked the sirebond arc. It is very deep if you actually pay attention.

9. Damon had his humanity mostly off Season 1- beginning of Season 2. Note his denial that he feels human emotions and quotes that he’s pretending to turn it off. Compare his slow resurgence of humanity to Elena’s one-by-one emotion during her humanity resurgence.

10. Dark Elena should have gotten more screen time.

11. Katherine is another example of a female character being put into a box. Female characters that are most liked are always the ones that are either in the “bad” or “pure” (Bonnie, Caroline) box, and both are just as reductive. I’m more interested in when the rare gray woman (Elena) acts out.

[seasoningcityespercollective]

Okay so I finally got around to making Hitomi’s reference sheet (click for quality) so I can post it here. Also hi! I haven’t been “marketing” this blog a lot but basically my idea was to create a blog where Mob Psycho 100 fans can submit their mp100 ocs to a sort of “oc hub” and you can draw other people’s ocs if they’ve submitted them here too. You don’t have to be nearly as detailed as I was here for your own ref sheets, of course.

Anyway here’s Hitomi! I made her for a one-shot on my ao3 and then got attached to her and gave her more of a backstory. And then more backstory. And then a story involving her interacting with the Spirits and Such gang. And well...yeah it just keeps on going. My main is @birbliophile​, in case you’re wondering.

BASIC INFORMATION:

Name: Furukawa Hitomi (she/her), lesbian

Age: 31 years old

Height: 168 cm

Esper Ability: Psychometry (receives visions of the past by touching objects)

Likes: Unusually flavored drinks (developed during her recovery from alcoholism. Also I mean like, pineapple-matcha-grape diet coke weird), bad romance novels, and collecting objects that have good memories attached

Dislikes: The taste of headache medicine, hot weather, and manipulative people (uh oh Reigen)

BACKSTORY:

Having awakened to her powers at a young age, Hitomi grew up constantly struggling with sensory overload from everything brushing against her bare skin, though she eventually developed techniques to isolate the sensations mostly in her hands. Feeling as if her parents treated her like a fragile doll and desperately wanting some measure of control over her life, her teen years were fraught with conflict and harmful coping mechanisms. As an adult she was recruited by the government to join a secret agency dealing with matters of the supernatural, and feels grateful to her job for helping her get on her feet...for the most part.

Employed as an intelligence agent and tracker, Hitomi often finds herself feeling as though the less ethical aspects of her job mean she has to keep herself isolated from her family and any potential friends, both to protect them and herself. After all, who wants to spend time with someone like her?

But when she meets a young telepath named Takenaka Momozou, suddenly Hitomi wonders if there might actually be room in her life for more than loneliness.

OC INTERACTION:

Feel free to draw Hitomi hanging out with your own OCs! Any platonic interactions are great, some ideas might be Hitomi and your ocs going to a cafe and trying out unusual beverages or comparing powers/lack of. You can also draw Hitomi fighting your OC a la Artfight if you want, in my mind she’s a bit more skilled than Reigen at combat.

Also, the blog is open for submissions! Based on an interest post I made, I know there’s a few people out there who might want to submit OCs to the blog, so don’t be shy! Check out the the guidelines in the FAQ if you’re interested :)

[yotome]

Cynic seeks route to experience actual emotions

(minor not very important spoilers for Sariel)

My first route was Clavis. He's actually the reason I started Ikepri, and I liked him much more than I thought I would - I tore through that storyline twice like nobody's business! In other words, he set a pretty dang high standard.

Next, there was Chevalier. Gotta understand Chevalier to understand Clavis, right? I got through both runs in decent time, though occasionally Chev's MC over-otomed me, and I would have to take a recovery break to handle my alarmingly berserk blood pressure.

I read one of Leon's routes after that, and he seemed like a cool dude. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do both, though, so I tried Yves. He is baby.

I next landed on Sariel's route. It had just been released, after all, plus he's purple and wears glasses for extra cool points. It didn't seem to be going much of anywhere for me at the start, but hey, you never know! It could ramp up!

Then I got to the first hint of romance, and ...

Oh. She fell off something (stairs? ladder? the floor?) because otome, but held onto her books also because otome because she treasures them greatly. He's kinda touched by the strength of her passions overcoming the instinctive fear of a fall, or something (i.e. she didn't catch herself). She thinks he's hot and possibly morally questionable. Yes, honey, he is both. He wouldn't wear a pant leg made of belts if he was just some normal guy.

I tried to go "aww" but found the impulse utterly missing. I wasn't even irritated, weirdly enough. Hello? Heart? You still in there?

... No response.

At that point, I stopped reading his route. I didn't change to another suitor, as I kept telling myself that I'd resume in a little bit. Of course, life happened, and there were days where I forgot to log in ... which is when the app started doing THIS:

The first time it happened: I guess that's kinda cute.

The secondish time: You already told me that.

The ??? time: Dammit Sariel, get over the punishment gag already. What are you, a minister or a one-trick pony??

The most recent time: YOU THINK YOU CAN PUNISH ME, DO YOU? FOOL. YOU HARDLY KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD. I'LL MAKE YOU TALK TO CLAVIS FOR 24 HOURS STRAI... hold up, am I getting dramatic at an app notification??

So I'm thinking that's a sign I probably should change routes now. :D (And block the notifications.) I just don't have a particular route I really want to start at the moment, so I must ponder. I am leaning towards avoiding Nokto, mostly because I Strongly. Dislike. Suitors. Getting all up in my MC's space, and I just have A Bad Feeling About This (TM) when it comes to him.

That still leaves:

Jin "I like the tiddies so much I got my own set" Grandet, either route

Leon, who is definitely a Good Guy but his armor looks too loose somehow, round 2

The actual Muffin Man, Yves*, round 2

Licht, who I understand has some Srs Probbems, either route

Luke "Eh" Randolph, who seems eh in turn?, either route

Or heck, I could just ride the roller coaster of bad decisions made with the best of intentions again. You do you in every route and event, Clavis, and I appreciate that. You do you.

*it is only thanks to this game that I know "Yves" is pronounced "eve." Not all "Yeh-ves" weird like I'd been saying it FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. Thanks, otome! The more you know.

** I did not know anyone named Yves, so I never heard the name said out loud and just ... well, I'm gonna pronounce all the letters I see written unless someone tells me otherwise. That's how my brain rolls.

[potassium-pilot]

FFXIVWrite 2023, Prompt 17: Helping Hand (Free Day)

Against the snow of Whitebrim, Dia stood tall to practice her magic. Almost a year of recovery passed by her slowly, but after the dynamis finally cleared and her nerves and reaction time had returned near to normal, magic flowed through her without problems. Fire roared, fae magic whispered in the wind, and ice fell from above. Yes, all was as it should be for her...mostly...

Now was the time for lightning to strike at her command. Clouds gathered to aid her, thundering loudly, and the electricity surging in the skies filled her with power. It was time to cast Thunder once again. Adrenaline rushed through her as she was to call down lightning. Just as she began to raise her codex to the air, however, it flashed by her eyes in a second.

The haunted red and black aether of Zenos viator Galvus, scythe in hand, leaping to slice into her, her only saving grace being that of the dynamis surrounding her, and an undying wish of hers to live and for him to never hurt again. She grappled with fear and anger and a strange, strange feeling...

Then she returned to the moment, and in the same second she saw her former enemy, her hand tingled with the electricity of her spell, incredible pain shooting down her right arm.

"FUCK!"

Dia fell to her knees, clutching her arm, shivering in pain, using any spell she could think of to help her injured hand. Eos raced to her side to try and help her. "Oh, thank the gods I fucked up that cast, Eos. That could have cost me an arm." As she attempted to fix the problem herself, she found her efforts futile. "Damn it, I can't fix this. All right, Eos, to Captain Whitecape."

Her arm was too injured to attempt a cast of Teleport, so she instead called upon her chocobo, who carried her back to the Gates of Judgment.

------

"All right, and this should help the nerve pain", Captain Whitecape offered a bottle of some sort of alchemical solution. The two of them were in a hospital room in the Congregation, a place Dia came to know well after all of the physical therapy she undertook here. Dia took the bottle and drank the concoction. Dia let escape a puff of air as the solution was certainly strong. "Gods, they ought to put this stuff in with the fare at the Forgotten Knight", Dia joked, "It'd be stronger than their usual."

"Maybe then, my patients would take their medication."

Dia scoffed.

"Don't feel too bad, Mistress Sito. You're certainly not the first mage to botch a cast that I've ever seen, and likely, you shan't be the last."

"I broke the first rule of casting: don't hesitate. You know what I did? I hesitated", Dia chastised herself.

"The good news is that you couldn't have timed your hesitation better. What you felt was simply aspected aether running down your arm, and not lightning itself. That much would have been harder to repair."

Dia groaned in frustration. "I guess. It's weird, Captain. Even when I had the aether in my control, I felt...heavier with it than I used to."

"You're most likely just out of practice. Keep working on your casting, my friend, and I think you'll soon find yourself back to where you were before, if not incredibly close."

Dia frowned. Both of them focused their attentions to the door as they heard a knock.

"Who is it?" Captain Whitecape asked. "I'm with a patient."

"A loved one of said patient."

Both of them could recognize Aymeric's voice from anywhere. "This would be your call, Mistress Sito. I can tell him to bugger off if you would like this to remain private."

Dia shook her head. "He was gonna find out about this one way or another. Let him in."

Whitecape went to the door and opened it for his boss. Aymeric walked in, making a straight path to Dia's bed where he sat next to her. "Ser Handeloup told me you came here gripping your hand. Are you all right?"

That bloody snitch!

He gasped as he saw her mangled hand, purple and black aether pulsating underneath her skin, the veins throbbing. "Fury!"

"It's all right, really. I was practicing casting again and I messed up a cast of Thunder. This is just aether. He already gave me some medicine, so I'm just waiting for it to kick in."

"Once it does, Mistress Sito's hand should return to functioning, after which time", he turned to Dia, "I advise you to revisit your hand exercises."

"Fair point."

Once Captain Whitecape gave the all clear, and saw that her hand looked closer to normal, Aymeric and Dia walked to Borel Manor together.

"You said you hesitated in your cast?" Aymeric clarified.

"Yup."

"What caused your hesitation?"

The memory of my fallen enemy coming back to kill me.

"I...don't know. All I know is that the minute I tried, I just..couldn't."

Aymeric hummed.

"Gods, I just...am I sure there's nothing missing? Even when I was surging with power, something was off. I felt imbalanced."

"Did Captain Whitecape have anything to say on the matter?"

Dia shook her head. "He just thinks I need to keep practicing, but it's not like that, Ayms. I've gone a ways without using combat magic before and picking it up again never felt like that."

"Perhaps a second opinion is warranted."

"No, there's not a better chirurgeon in Ishgard."

"Then what of the Conjurers Guild?"

Dia's eyebrows raised. "You think they would help?"

"I think it foolhardy to not give them a chance to aid you. Kan-e-Senna was a fine healer, and I'm certain she's not the only capable conjurer available."

"She's technically a White Mage, but still...I guess...better than keeping around that heavy feeling and risking my arm every time."

"I couldn't agree more."

--------

The midday shined into the hollow of the Conjurers Guild. Dia stepped down the path and approached the lobby, looking around the place.

"Can I help you?" A voice asked.

Dia brought her focus to the voice's source: a padjal with short blond hair and emerald green eyes.

"Oh. Hello there. I was wondering if...I might get some help."

"I can certainly try. Please, join me in the other room." Dia followed the padjal through a door and down a hall. "My name is I-Seko-Pesi. I'll do my best to aid you today." He opened a door and allowed Dia entry. Once he closed it, he asked, "May I presume this is about your right hand?"

Dia looked down. Though much of the black and purple aether had retreated, and her control over her hand felt normal again, some of the discoloration yet remained. "Pray forgive me if I'm wrong, but it looks like a cast of some spell may not have been performed correctly. Something lightning-aspected?"

"I mean, you're not wrong, but that's being treated, believe it or not. It's not why I'm here."

"Very well. What brings you to me, then?"

Dia tried to find the words. "Well...you are right in that I did cast a spell incorrectly. You see, it started a year ago--"

"You returned to Hydaelyn from the end of the universe with life-threatening injuries, which has kept you abed for quite some time."

Dia gawked at him. I-Seko-Pesi laughed. "Worry not. The Elder Seedseer warned us that you might visit us for treatment because of this. That said, enough time had passed that I thought it unlikely to happen...until today, that is. I know who you are, Dia Sito."

"Oh, that's...reassuring..."

"I know perfectly well that you have saved our universe. But one look at you tells me that you're not happy with what occurred to bring you to this point."

Dia's discomfort grew as he seemed to peer into her soul.

"So, what is it exactly that brings you here?"

"My spellcasting and my reflexes are a bit...sluggish, as it were. The chirurgeon I was seeing before insists I'm just out of practice, but something feels...wrong. I don't know how else to describe it."

"Hm, I see." I-Seko-Pesi gestured to a chair. "Take a seat. I would be happy to inspect you." Dia obeyed and sat down. There wasn't an ilm of her that I-Seko-Pesi didn't cover. Something close to twenty minutes passed before I-Seko-Pesi rose.

"Physically, I cannot find a single thing wrong with you aside from your arm, though you were telling the truth when you said it's being treated."

Dia sighed defeatedly.

"Pray do not give up hope too easily, Dia. There's one area I've yet to check." The padjal went behind her and cast some sort of spell over her head. "Tell me exactly what happened to your arm."

She told him everything- that she was in the best shape she had been in a while, felt confident enough to try casting again, and failed when she hesitated.

"What caused your hesitation?"

For some reason, she felt quite calm. There was nothing that kept her from telling the truth to him- not that he was forcing it out, but rather, she felt comfortable enough to admit it to him.

"I...had a vision of sorts."

"Oh?"

"There was an enemy of mine, Zenos viator Galvus. When I was trying to cast, I saw him again; he was trying to slice into me."

I-Seko-Pesi's magic made auras appear before him- he deduced the emotional state of his patients using color and shape. Before, Dia's was a pale blue wave, but the blue was being intruded upon by a red and black spark.

"Tell me more of this man."

That made her chest tighten. The aura in the back of her head grew overwhelmingly bright, the red and black spark overtaking any calm, and the spark itself backfired against him, tossing I-Seko-Pesi across the room.

"Thal's balls!" Dia stood up and ran to the padjal. "Are you all right?"

The conjurer groaned a bit in pain. "There's a reason we keep cushions on these walls."

She never thought about it, but there was, in fact, cushioning along these walls.

"You are not the first, nor will you be the last, to send a conjurer flying." Once I-Seko-Pesi stood up and healed a bit of pain in the back of his neck, he declared, "I believe I've found the source of the sluggishness."

"Zenos?"

"In a sense. Come, take a seat again."

"I don't want to hurt you again."

"You won't. This time, I know better."

Dia gulped before taking the seat as he requested. I-Seko-Pesi returned to the back of her head and started casting. "As I'm certain you know, magic takes quite a bit of focus. This is why casters rely on Lucid Dreaming to help us restore our mana pools. Your mind must be free of distraction. Unfortunately, your travails against this Zenos person have brought you to a point where your mind is burdened and recalling the pain and suffering he has inflicted upon you."

As he examined her, he noticed that there was a red spike- he was not in danger, but rather, she felt ashamed of something.

"Is there something more to this?"

She figured that if I-Seko-Pesi was using magic to read her emotions, it was useless to lie anyway. That said, she still didn't know how to phrase it.

"You are safe in here, Dia. I am legally obligated not to say a word to anyone. Such are protections in Gridania as we also provide mental healthcare."

The shame switched to an orange vibrating ball. She feared something. "You're not throwing me into a sanitarium, are you?"

"Nonsense. The sanitarium is for tortured souls that might hurt themselves or others. I deem you not a danger, Dia. You're safe."

I-Seko-Pesi's magic allowed for soothing effects to overtake the brain, enough that Dia could recall her feelings surrounding Zenos without too much trouble. Her aura shifted to a gray sludge as she recalled it.

"He used me."

"How?"

"He got an Ascian to rip my soul from my body, place mine in a corpse he dug up from gods only know where, and parade himself about in my own body. I fought my way to tempered Garleans and magitek, crawled through the snow as my strength failed me, and just barely made it in time to stop him from murdering all of my loved ones using my own body."

I-Seko-Pesi grimaced. "Matron preserve..."

"Never mind how he left me for dead on multiple occasions when I attempted to stop him from murdering everyone. And failed. Miserably. Then he has the gall to try and help me at the last minute, gorging on the last of the Mothercrystal's aether to fly to me, just so he could battle me once more. He stalked me, like I was prey to him. I agreed to it."

"How did that make you feel?"

"...I did it to make sure he could never touch anyone I love again. It made me feel...obligated. I felt angry. Yet, I felt pity for him too. That really was the only thing he had left to live for. If I suffered him for much longer, imagine what he could have done next, especially with the aid of Mothercrystal aether."

He saw the cacophony of emotions swirl about, but she left out one specifically.

"There was something else", I-Seko-Pesi reminded her. "Something that I wonder if you even remember."

There was. The sensation she felt in her interruption in Whitebrim called back to mind.

"What was it, Dia?"

Her breathing quickened as the answer bit away at her soul. I-Seko-Pesi could see the shame reappear.

"Please, do not let shame stop you. I promise, I want to help you, even if you are not proud of it."

"...I hate that I felt it", she admitted voicelessly.

"What do you hate?"

"...bliss."

This confirmed what I-Seko-Pesi saw. "And why did you feel bliss?"

"To return every last bit of pain he ever inflicted on me tenfold. To feel the control I had in that moment. It was my moment. It was mine, and not his. Oh, I never had that in battle before."

"And that terrifies you to feel this."

"Yes. It proves his point."

"What point?"

"That I'm just as bloodthirsty as him."

I-Seko-Pesi took in a deep breath. "There's a bit of animal in all of us. This animal is good, mind you. It serves to help every last one of us survive. It keeps us connected with Hydaelyn as a star. Animals, like anything else, react to their surroundings. You said it was only in that battle that you felt that bliss?"

"Yes. I've never liked fighting before that. I did it because I had to."

"A fair point. You've known Zenos only as a threat. When the time came that you felt able to quell it, you took it. You've faced your defeats against him, you destroyed despair itself just before that, you had dynamis surging through you. Even if these weren't aiding factors, is it so bad that you felt that while destroying him?"

"It's terrible that I felt that."

"Is it? The feeling was simply that, Dia- a feeling. You've not chosen to seek that bliss again from anyone else in the same manner. While your feelings are important, holding onto shame as you reconcile these things within you will only hamper you in the long run."

"I..."

"I would like to help you resolve this conflict within you in another session. Might you be willing to return to me next Earthsday? One o' clock?"

"Are you sure?"

"If you wish to regain your former clarity and balance when you cast, I urge you to consider meeting with me regularly. I can help, and I wish to help. It would be my honor."

Dia smiled. "All right. Earthsday, one o' clock. I'll be here."

"Wonderful."

Dia stood up before the padjal asked, "May I ask one more thing?"

"Sure."

"What compelled you to take on such a monumental task?"

"...Hydaelyn. Before I killed her anyway."

He quickly realized he was absolutely onto something by asking her to return regularly. That's way too many issues to try and cover in a day.

"I see. I look forward to meeting you again."

She grinned. "Yeah, me too. Take care." She waved and walked out of his office. As she approached the entrance, she took a deep breath of the Gridanian air and exhaled slowly.

I'm returning here a lot, aren't I?

[hardpacker]

there is a lot of frustration and anxiety and retroactive grieving that comes with it but i am really glad that i eventually pursued reading and learning and talking more (like with therapists mainly but also some good people in my life) about being autistic. it was mostly out of anka suggesting it to me a few times but i was really unsure for a while. now my therapists and even my doctor (kind of) are talking to me more about it and figuring out what kind of help i know i need and ideas for what could be useful...

it really sucks, but it makes so much sense to me now why in may 2020, sooner than the year or year and a half it took for a lot of other people, i could acutely tell something was Seriously Going Wrong with my brain, grasping at words, not being able to access what should have been vivid since my memory is apparently quite good-- with all my real life connections and contexts and activities halted. and why recovery time is so much slower and the burnout, the becoming sluggish, not being able to speak and further information feeling painful, is so much worse now... but also, it's not new. it's happened before. it happened all through college and i had no idea that's what was doing it. and life was different, i didn't have as much time to reflect, i knew less about myself to be able to connect the dots in any kind of informative way, much less try to tell other people about it.

it feels like something is unlocked in a profound way, way way way different than being told to go on one antidepressant after another and getting sick each time. now i'm on a different kind of medication to help manage distress and there isn't any sickness at all. i'm summing this up extremely quickly because i have things to do, but it just clicks so solidly, decisively. i know what would really benefit me is patience and understanding me in good faith. i think i'm a pretty consistent person. i think i try to maintain a whole, well-rounded view of people, even if part of that is because some things i just can't forget (and worrying if i'm remembering "the right things") and even if i can't expect other people to hold me in their mind like that... i'd at least like to be received with even some of this in mind.

it bummed me out when friends drifted away when things didn't suddenly get better for me. it bums me out to see that happening to other people too. maybe it comes off as creepy/inappropriate to still feel strongly about someone based on what i think are foundational friendship components or interactions, if whatever it is that brought us together still seems intact to me, maybe i can't pick up on what they view as the separation-- lack of frequent talking, not picking up new shared interests? my feelings were hurt recently when only a couple people congratulated me on the Ignatz nomination or all the comics i've done recently, because i thought those were things other people were passionate about too, or at the very least, required little emotional depth to acknowledge. i feel really bad when i miss a milestone in people's lives, and maybe the fact is that i haven't had the same milestones to share. but isn't that normal...? idk. i feel like i do reach out to people but maybe it's not in the same ways that they value. i'd like to be given a chance. or maybe i just need to find people who i don't have to chase. i think it's both? i need to better understand what other people like but i also think the internet is no way to do this. everyone is extremely keyed up and defensive and you can rewrite a person at will.

i'm still confused and increasingly weirded out about T cutting me off, if just that i did try to bring it up more directly and understand her feelings, but maybe directness is misread by other people, maybe it's just not that common. in remembering other weird misunderstandings or unsettling, confusing interactions with people, or my default mode of appeasement/dissociation (which i'm doing my best to quit) i can take some of the blame off myself. the blame isn't autism's, either. this actually makes it easier to just be like, yknow, the other person DID act out of pocket about this. this stuff WAS kind of nothing and yes it COULD have been handled differently. but i also am not good at remaining in 1 fandom, placating anybody for all that long, keeping quiet, toeing whatever social line i'm "supposed to", and i know i have a hard time shaking off my values or like, morals?, even if it'd serve me better-- i'd like to be more flexible, while also being consistent, which is something really important to me in terms of how i'm read by other people. like nothing coming out of left field. but understanding other people may not have the perspective i do.

and that should be okay so long as it isn't actually hurtful. like everyone is different people. i agree with my friends more than i don't (makes sense) but i can't think of a situation where in a disagreement, my intent was to HURT, rather than express confusion/upset/anger. you can't ask questions online without sounding challenging, even if that same question can be expressed in real life with no problem. but i'm wondering if people more often remember how you made them feel, not the details within or surrounding it. and that's something to balance. i tend to be more critical of myself than other people, and default to an assumption of good intent first, but that's ALSO a good way to ignore important signs. and avoid the simple answer to "why would this person want to hurt me?" which might be "they don't care about you and they wanted to." i don't want to be a fucking pushover.

i might not know the "right" way to talk to people, but i know 100% that i do try, and in my adult life especially, have always tried. and i hope continuing to do that will yield a sense of comfort, ease, stability that i've been longing for since connections to other friends have become tenuous these past few years. my ideal is being comfortable in a group of people and not being scared of saying something wrong or having ~weird~ interests or expressing them in a weird way. i think this is also why trying to suck all the "ill-fitting" interests or aspects of things i like/myself, my comforts, my art, gender, sexuality, dress, everything, never worked-- i can't cultivate some kind of scene-based personality, i can't become a different person just because it'd be easier to navigate the world that way. it's not going to happen. and i guess that needs to be alright.

it is mournful to think about how like... even if my parents or schools had known, there's no way i would've been treated any better. it wouldn't have amounted to anything. i would've been bullied and abused more, if anything, or it would be the exact same as it is now-- maybe they would've never told me. so i can't even imagine a life where this would've offered some sense of freedom before now, but maybe i could've learned to be less expectant of myself faster. god i just remembering being so overwhelmed needing to lie down in the dark for a while. drawing in class was the best way to remember any of the information because it was tied to an action, which then grounded me in a time and place, and everything else fills in around it, the memory is built from the minute and outward. the missing spaces in memory are what's most unsettling because they're so exceptional to me. and thinking with shaky confidence starting around 5th grade like "i must be acting like everyone else, right?" even though the cold and irritated way with which people handled me pointed at something else. feeling wickedly ill at-ease basically my entire life, just uncomfortable, sick to my stomach, stressed, bearing all of that in mind. trying over and over. ugh. really frustrating, really sad. so many kids grow up like this.

AND MY FUCKING... ALLERGIES AND SENSITIVITIES AND AUTOIMMUNE DISORDER AND MY MAST CELL SHIT........................................ LIKE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK okay

i don't have a good closer to this sorry lol

[foolishfalls]

I've been kind of just chucking my feelings out into many a void today and I guess I'll do it here. Who knows where I'm likely to get a response??

below the cut i'll be discussing repeat injuries, chronic pain, how my mental health interacts with/contributes to them, and my growing rage and exasperation with the american healthcare system.

I feel like for much of my life I have been grappling with nebulous burgeoning health problems that were rarely serious enough for me to really seek out a doctor, plus, my parents are both notoriously bad at seeing doctors and taking care of themselves too, so living with them into adulthood definitely didn't help. (It's tough as hell being a PDA autistic up against all these very harsh hierarchical systems so full of barriers and demands amirite?)

given the autism with a pretty heavy PDA slant, making and keeping appointments has been a harrowing process for me for my whole entire life, as long as I can remember. It doesn't help that I am also terrible at advocating for myself and have been consistently dismissed by doctors over stuff that I experience... I've just kind of learned to take it lying down which is not a good habit but i get easily exasperated trying to explain myself to doctors. i struggle a ton with even talking to people i see as holding authority over me (i attribute this to ten years of catholic school kind of breaking me mentally and emotionally. if you have been to a religious or catholic school perhaps you have an understanding of this kind of mistreatment)

anyway, i just feel like the pandemic and the ongoing collapse of the healthcare system has just really brought this to a head for me recently. In the last 6 years or so, i've injured both of my ankles several times, rolls and sprains. honestly, the first few times, i was being dumb and not paying attention (i went through a terrible binge drinking period during my 21st year, hadn't yet discovered that i literally cannot wear most shoes besides flat-soled sneakers) but even when I tried to be careful after one or two bad sprains that went unchecked, mostly, I would end up hurting myself. Two of the subsequent times I hurt myself while moving between apartments (I've always lived in walk-ups and have usually moved everything myself with little help aside from friends) and bc of pretty bad cracks on sidewalks (big city infrastructure is total garbage, big surprise!)

like, as my repeated injuries got worse, my capacity for physical activity has too, and I already struggled for years as a kid and teen to develop a decent exercise/activity routine. I think I also have low muscle tone and really slow recovery time due to autism or some co-morbid condition (such as EDS or something. i have weird, weak, clicky joints, but i'm not really typically hypermobile?)

anyway, every time i went in for an x-ray or to see a doctor, i basically got told just to RICE and take care of it at home, so I didn't seek further help. the one time i did was last year, and it took a lot of advocating and was quite hard for me, and then it took months of waiting to even get an appointment with an ortho. This is after 5-6 sprains on my right ankle, and 2 on my left. when i sprained my left ankle the last time, i landed quite hard on my right knee and definitely hurt that too, because it still clicks and acts up.

of course, last august, my ortho appt finally approaches, and i get fucking covid literally the day before. i was so sick and tired i just no-showed and honestly forgot about it. if I miss an appointment and dont reschedule immediately, the likelihood that I will do that is very low. once again, PDA is a bitch.

but, at least since then I haven't actually injured my ankle. However, who knows what the effects of covid were on my body, my joints, who tf knows?? we know it causes and exacerbates all kind of conditions in people. I barely have been able to get doctors to take me seriously about the stuff I'm chronically experiencing, so even bringing up long-covid has felt kind of scary and pointless, tbh.

Fast forward to april of this year. after working in office jobs and sitting for two years straight, which caused me a ton of awful burnout, i end up working part-time at a cafe. while I'm working there, i injure/strain my hip and low back while slipping on a wet floor. this pain keeps me in bed consistently for about 3 weeks and I go to see my doctor about it. he diagnoses me with sciatic pain because it seems to be running and radiating down from my leg and hip. (mind you this is my right hip, which is attached to the knee i've hurt maybe twice, and the ankle i've injured 5-6 times!)

Up until then, I had been receiving some PT at my previous job to help stabilize and strengthen my hips, which my PT determined as the main cause for my ankle injuries. my hips shake when i walk and tend to cause a lot of instability. I made some progress, but I was receiving PT at my old job, and my insurance changed when I left it, so i was uninsured for like three months in the beginning of this year while trying to get new coverage. my hip pain was bad for about a month, after seeing my doctor, i got x-rays and they came back clean but the pain wasn't fully subsiding, so he writes me referrals for PT and pain management.

Because of my shit association with PT due to my old job, and the fact that the pain finally began to subside after the x rays came back (I kind of thought, oh, maybe it was lingering mostly due to my stress, guess im good) I dont make a PT appointment right away. I look into one place i'm referred to and it turns out they dont take my insurance which is bullshit. Then, I go to my last option, the hospital system I see my PCP out of. It's basically the lowest quality medical care you can access with medicaid which is what i currently have, and due to my experience working in a high-end PT office i know what the difference will be. this mental block kind of keeps me thinking it will be pointless so i took a while to make an appointment, trying to do exercises at home for now since i had a baseline from my old job.

While all this is happening, as my hip pain is subsiding, i get a weird lump/bump where my heel meets my right ankle, my bad ankle. it has been this way since about the end of May, now, and it has been the source of some of the most disarming, weird, confusing pain I've ever experienced in my life.

I also didn't talk yet about how realizing I'm autistic helped me make sense of my weird pain tolerance. on one hand, i've always been notably sensitive to even the slightest pain. would sob and sob over the smallest things as a kid. i think due to the reactions of adults around me, i gradually learned to dissociate in order to bury my pain. so, i feel like i both experience pain very strongly and intensely, and at times it can be so debilitating and distracting that i can focus on little else and it almost causes me brain fog and fatigue, while at other times, it is kind of distant and i tend to dissociate from it.

with this new pain in my heel, there's definitely some nerve shit involved, i think... i get twitches/spasms sometimes, numbness, tingling, sharp pain, dull pain. and it's seemingly unpredictable. i wear compression socks or a sleeve almost every single day because it's all that helps. it's past the point of icing helping it much because it's not swollen.

basically every time i have seen a doctor about my pain leading up to now, I have brought up the possibility of some underlying cause, but i always get dismissed. told I'm digging too deep or thinking too hard and just stressing myself out, despite the fact that I've always been clumsy and injury prone and had coordination issues. I guess bc those coordination issues haven't been well documented, and i am not officially diagnosed with autism or anything that could support my claims, i just don't get taken seriously, despite my experience being quite abnormal from what i understand when talking to others!!!

idk where I'm even going with this. today i was at a PT appointment for my hip and was on the verge of tears the whole time. I have to go back to my primary doctor in order for them to even begin attending to my heel despite that being the worst pain, and despite the fact that my hip/knee/heel/sciatica are all definitely related. I'm assuming this is because of insurance bullshit, i know it's pretty basic procedure, but it's exhausting that the american healthcare system is set up this way. it's really hard when you're autistic also and struggle with making and keeping appointments. it doesn't help that i've been dismissed by so many doctors that i just get intense anxiety about even having to go back again.

i'm also looking for a new PCP anyway because i don't like that mine doesn't take me very seriously and i am also transitioning and very scared/a bit paranoid about facing any transphobia or disclosing that fact to him if we have to run any blood tests. so maybe I'll have a better experience elsewhere, but this heel stuff has gone on for so long that i just have to bite the bullet and go back to the same place if it will be quicker to do so anyway.

and like, all procedural/red tape/insurance bullshit aside, bottom of the barrel PT treatment here is like. so dismal. once again maybe it's just bc i have the point of comparison from my old job, but i feel like the treatment is really just. so lackluster, doctors are seeing multiple patients at once, you're rushed through your visit, you don't have time to ask questions. the whole time i've been there no one has so much as taken a closer look at my heel. i know i'm there for my hip and you have to say that on paper for insurance, but like, damn, not even just a quick check??

I am afraid it's because I'm habitually downplaying the pain to cope and because i'm terrified of doctors. so maybe it's my fault.

still, the system is downright hostile to people who struggle with that stuff.

i don't have much else to say. just wanted to dump this somewhere and see if anyone else can understand or empathize with my experience. i don't talk about this super openly or readily because I don't even feel like i can call it chronic pain sometimes despite this being a several month long problem and really an issue that is about five years old, despite it being inconsistent... mostly because i just don't have the affirmation of a medical diagnosis. i have considered getting a cane/mobility aid very thoroughly recently because i know it would help me (and maybe even force doctors to take me seriously) but there's a part of me that feels like i can't or shouldn't. like i'm not valid enough for that, or i can function without it, but i know that's dismissive and so not the right way to think about mobility aids

i mean, it doesn't help that my dad has been limping and had chronic pain for years and has one and still refuses to use it... the internalized ableism runs deep. it's fucked. i'm trying hard to undo it but it's hard when you're already just hard on yourself.

anyway, just sorely needed to get this off my chest. thanks for reading if you do.

EDIT: i also wanted to say,, if you have gone through anything similar, just know you're not alone! so if you want to share your experience or talk about it with me pls know my asks and dms are open.

[disengaged]

i lost 5 lbs ☹️

[btnclmrttn]

Hi! Recently came across your blog and I absolutely LOVE your Saitama HC SM

Anyways I can here to request H/C  With Saitama, Genos, Garou, and mumen rider (all my fucking beloved) 

With a Fem!Be it friend or S/o that’s part Phoenix or is a result of a lab experiment, with a shit ton of scars from being hunted or tested on with her healing abilities (Phoenix example being like Marco from one piece, can turn into a giant blue flaming bird, and/or can turn her arms into flaming wings, have talons for feet near shit)

Please and thank you! Your amazin!

Man these animal requests are so cool I'm digging it. Thanks for asking! I'll give it my best! Sorry it took so long I've been working for days n days straight 😭

Asks the weirdest fucking questions. Nothing to do with the experiment, but like if you lay eggs or some shit

He thinks you look fucking sick when you on your flame shit

Hunters? What hunters? They've mysteriously vanished? A weirdly long strain of good luck? Who knows

If you're ever upset in anyway he always has a small fire extinguisher nearby and whips it out. Mostly to make you laugh but just in case he has no idea what phoenix's are capable of

Prick move but he's always buying sunflower seeds or nuts and giving them to you. The fact he's spending money to joke with you though shows he does like you and thinks of you often

If you got bird feets, it doesn't bother him. However, you CAN bother him if you like grab his knee with them or something it gives him the creeps

Also asks weird questions but he has answered most himself thankfully. By hyper analysing everything of you, of course

Trauma bonding! Woo hoo! (Not rly woo hoo y'all just find good connection with that)

Anyone that even stares too long is at risk of being deleted. Watch out for his canons

Can you heal a cyborg? Maybe? Y'all both wondering but by the time you find out he got his ass mowed he's at Kuseno's already.

The people that experimented on you are also now on his revenge list. You're not talking him out of it if you wanted to try.

Lots of drawings of you n your bird anatomy fill his notebook. He just thinks you're hella cool tbh.

He knows exactly how many scars and marks are on your body and WILL detect if there's a new one so to save you trouble just call/text him if something happens. Whether it was a hunter or you hurt yourself on accident

Oh lawd, this boi

He is extremely protective and defensive of you. Absolutely no one will lay a hand on you like that ever again

Straight up will just snap their neck or something unnecessarily overkill he has zero humanity for the hunters after you

Sometimes you'll catch him staring at your scars, but he won't admit it. He isn't trying to be rude. He just can't imagine how you got them specifically and it bothers him

Also trauma bonding but he has the vibe where he jokes about it and continues his day like nothing is wrong

Refuses. REFUSES to let you heal him if he's injured. He doesn't want to use you in any way.

If you wait till he falls asleep and just heal him a tad he won't notice. He'll believe he's just a fast healer, tbh. And he bragging like, "See, I healed just fine by myself!"

Lucky him you're a healer. Ass whooping magnet. Feels hella bad though despite saving multiple hospital trips.

Always complimenting you and your features/abilities you have. Literally your #1 fan

He wanna see if he is as fast as your top flight speed and always wanna race you on his bike. He's rly trying to get you both at your best speeds. Like fun training.

He's always checking up on you and is constantly worried about hunters. Like your mental health and recovery is one thing but the fact you can't catch a break kills him.

Never bothered tho unproblematic boi as usual he wouldn't flinch at the sight of your scars or feets or wings

He do worry about them scars tho but he never gonna ask like he'd feel so rude.

[nekropsii]

What's your take on Aranea? Because I noticed a lil trend with the alpha trolls being a stereotype of?? Internet, or simply a stereotype.

Like with Kankri being an sjw stereotype, Latula with her rad girl thing, though that's probably because she's a Knight class

Okay, this ask is unintentionally a bit of a doozy, full of a lot of things I feel I need to address and talk about in order for this to be a complete conversation. You came to the Wordy Bullshit + Analyses blog, and now you’re getting Wordy Bullshit + Analyses.

Let’s talk about the Alpha Trolls and Beta Trolls, and how they play into the theme of Internet Archetypes. I swear I get to the crux of your ask- being Aranea- in this. Just sit tight for a bit while I ramble my head off!

Content Warning: Long.

Firstly, I have to clarify that while yes, the recurring theme of Alpha Trolls being largely Internet Archetypes is very much so intentional, and you’re correct to notice it, I must also point out that that’s not at all just an Alpha Trolls thing. That’s a “Trolls in general” thing. The Beta Trolls are also like that. They’ve always been like that. That’s actually where the species name of “Troll” came from- they’re Internet Trolls.

Trolls in general are a little more complicated than just being Stereotypes or Parodies through and through. All of them, and I mean all of them- yes, including your fave- started as joke characters. Sometimes either of these traits manifest in good ways, sometimes they manifest in bad ways.

Since you brought up Kankri, I’ll use him as an example: On a surface level, Kankri is a parody of, quite specifically, early 2010’s Tumblr SJW Culture. Everyone is aware of this. What a lot of people don’t realize is that there’s a lot of overtones of how Internet-based SJW Politics/Identity Politics had most of their conversations and spaces absolutely dominated by white, clueless, hyper-online teens who didn’t have any tangible life experience or any real comprehension of real world social issues.

A lot of people who regularly engaged in that particular flavor of online politics at the time- especially to the point of dedicating a majority of their persona to it- were mostly just making the acceptance and celebration of diversity a significantly harder feat than their flavor of Discourse for Discourse’s Sake would initially leave you to believe. He actively shuts down anyone discussing their own experiences as a minority by policing their language, and even at times claiming their experiences aren’t real, he only ever gives himself space to truly talk, he’s actually very interestingly anti-recovery, and he’s willingly aiding in the oppression of what is, to him, real world minorities. He sucks up to those higher on the Hemospectrum than him, and regularly partakes in Punching Down- often making Disabled Lowbloods and Women his main targets for unapologetic expressions of his own deep-seated bigotry.

He is, at his heart, not just a parody of “Tumblr SJW Culture,” but specifically of how that era’s brand of Online Political Discourse was often being infected with the type of person who claims to be significantly more progressive than they actually are. He’s hiding his own bigotry, internalized or not, behind pseudo-progressive buzzwords that he, more often than not, will admit to have made up, and/or have fabricated the alleged grave importance of it. He’s significantly more conservative than a lot of people give him credit for, and that’s a damn shame, because it genuinely gives more intrigue to his character, even if it’s in kind of a fucked up way.

As for Latula: Her archetype is less the idea of a “Rad Girl,” and more the idea of a “Gamer Girl.” Weird distinction to make at first, until you consider the crux of her character is how in order to survive in most Gamer Circles online as a woman, you had to both embrace and/or adopt some level of Misogyny. Latula’s whole persona is very much so steeped in a kind of Internalized Misogyny that I don’t see people talk about, like… Ever. The crux of her persona is very much so based in overemphasizing how girls can be just as good as guys at gaming. She’s very deeply struggling with the coexistence of her hobbies and her gender, and just how hostile people who share her interests can be to her just because she’s a woman.

@scalematez can do a much better, more in-depth analysis of Latula than I can, but that’s essentially the core of what her deal is.

As for Aranea? If I had to wager any guesses about her, she’s very much so a “Fandom Blogger,” just like Meulin, though instead of a focus on Shipping and Fanfiction- the more traditionally “Fandom” aspects of Fandom- Aranea is a Media Analysis blog with way too much knowledge about very niche trivia. I’d also say she’s a WordPress native, rather than a Tumblr native like Meulin is. She’s the Quiet Nerdy Bookworm Girl archetype who spends a lot of time in libraries. She’s the absolute antithesis to Vriska’s character. Give her a while, and she’ll discover that she can make Video Essays on whatever she wants, and everything that was ever wrong with her will suddenly be cured.

[redrobin-detective]

Ben 10 lore that exists in my heart regardless of canon

- Ben’s personality in his mid-late teens is a mix of his Alien Force and Omniverse self. On the surface, he’s very cheerful and kind even if he is a bit of arrogant showoff. He makes jokes and plays around and acts as if he isn’t bothered by the things in his life. Those who know him best understand a good portion of his outward confidence and cockiness is just a facade to cover up his insecurities and to project the ideal, effortless hero. While sometimes seen as immature, most beings know Ben 10 means business as he takes his unofficial job and people’s safety very seriously. He’s clever, adaptable, charismatic and empathetic which makes him a formidable opponent and a loyal friend. Doesn’t open up easily but if you get to him, he become so dearly attached. 

- Drinks smoothies so much for several reasons. Comfort food go brrr, reminds him of the good easy times with him Gwen and Kev. It’s also a light but generally nutritous food to give him energy for heroing. Anything too heavy and he’ll be puking (both from physical and emotional stress). Though he jokes about his mom’s health foods, his are a crazy concoction of add in proteins and vitamins/minerals bc he knows he’ll out and out collapse without it. (Still has on occasion bc boy still doesn’t eat right/enough)

- While Fame is exciting for him at first he soon begins to detest it. Not the fans, no, he can’t bring himself to hate the people who look up to him. But he hates the constant attention, that he can’t walk outside without being mobbed. the only place he feels safe is his hometown where most people are so used to him and his weirdness that they don’t react much anymore. Takes to wearing a cape and face shield when going out anywhere so he can actually get things done without being recognized and mobbed.

- Part of the reason Bellwood isn’t concerned with Ben is partially because ben’s been weird and alien for as long as they can remember but also many don’t realize how famous/powerful he is. Yeah that’s just Ben Tennyson over there, sometimes he turns into funny creatures- wait what do you MEAN he’s the savior of the universe?? He cried over a spilled smoothie the other day.

- Does mostly online schooling by the time he’s 15. At first he tries to do half day things to maintain something of a normal life but it quickly becomes overwhelming and dangerous him/the school. Finishes his GED early but the Plumbers and Azmuth make him take additional college level and alien courses to prepare him for his future role. Ben gripes but really does love learning all these things, especially on his terms (ADHD and stress + the public school system do not always go hand in hand). He’s a quick learner when he deems the information important and is made accessible to his learning needs.

- Ben definitely has ADHD speaking of which, it was nearly uncontrollable as a child bc his free-spirited parents didn’t believe in medicating. Ben convinced them he needed it and after some trial and error, found meds that worked. As he became more involved in heroics/growing up he had to change his medicine regimen (resulting in him being a bit more off the rails in OV) and needed antidepressants and therapy to manage it better. As an adult he has a whole litany of coping mechanisms (good and bad yes) and regularly checks in with his therapist and doctors to keep things under control. 

- Has a complicated relationship with his necrofriggian children. Considers himself their mother and worries after them. They too feel a connection to their parent despite this being unusual for their species. A few visit (some more than others) while they grow while others maintain distance. Ben never breathes a word of them to the media for fear of them being targeted. Still he keeps an eye on them and ensures all 14 mature to adulthood (another rarity for the species). Checks in every now and again with the ones who don’t want to see him and those that do. Two join the Plumbers and Ben is both proud and worried. His youngest becomes partners with Rook Ben.

- Just in general loves kids, they’re his favorite fans and while he’ll grumble at pushy adult fans he always smiles and kneels down for the little ones. Not so secretly wanted to have children of his own but knew it was a risk overall and used a lot of that energy with mentoring and teaching. Eventually had Kenny later in life (late 30s-40s) and was over the moon, becoming such a loving and doing parent or as much as he could be with his hectic schedule. 

- Omnitrix can’t come off, never has at any point since it first latched onto Ben’s arm. Azmuth tried and failed to get the device off, doesn’t let Ben know for many years as he feared the consequences. The watch loves and protects Ben even beyond it’s programming making him much more durable to damage and releasing energy charges when he’s threatened. Not even removing Ben’s arm would separate them. They’re stuck for life.

- Ben does have Anodite heritage but the Omnitrix actively suppresses it and uses the built up energy to power the transformations which is why ben is mostly unaffected by what should cause a massive energy drain on him. Theoretically if Ben learned to harness and safely use his Mana at an early age like Gwen he would have been fine but letting it build up without safe outlet meant activation would have killed him. Omnitrix Ben, however, went his whole life not knowing of his latent abilities and how the watch saved his life.

- Ben’s eyes get more green and glowy as time passes from the Omnitrix. At first they think its a trick of the light but by the time he’s an adult his eyes are pretty much glow in the dark. His veins light up too after long stretches of using the Omnitrix. Its vaguely unsettling to people who aren’t used to Ben.

- Max and the Earth Plumbers work so, so hard to keep teen Ben on Earth when half the universe is blowing up their comm lines asking for The Ben 10 to help with whatever problem of the day. Ben himself doesn’t quite understand when he’s younger the prestige and expectations on his shoulders. Max throws up a million and one roadblocks so Ben can live as normal a life as possible while he still can. Still, while doing that he Still overloads Ben with expectations and responsibilities on earth and beyond. He becomes a soldier again with Ben as their greatest weapon. He never forgave himself of losing sight of his grandson underneath the hero esp after Ben’s breakdown. 

- Rook partnership with Ben ends not long after Omniverse with his promotion to Magister. Ben tries to play it cool but the thought of another loved one/teammate leaving his tears him apart. Max revealing that Ben most likely wouldn’t get a new Plumber assigned partner since he’s almost an adult and won’t need it and Rook accidentally missing their last smoothie run due to a scheduling mishap causes Ben to snap and have the nervous breakdown that had been building for almost a decade. He completely loses it for a little while and needs to take an extended leave of absence from school and heroics that lasts about a year. Spends time recovering both on Earth and Galvan Prime, does some diplomatic training, learns about aliens, actually confronts the stress and loneliness of his life. He comes out the other side stronger but still fragile and exhausted.

- Ben’s above mentioned breakdown brings him closer to all his friends who didn’t quite realize the extent of Ben’s burden. Rook had been under the impression Ben didn’t like him all that much so the knowledge that his departure was the final straw for friend/hero’s collapse was shocking. Ben and Azmuth also become closer, the Galvan becoming fiercely protective of the boy seeing as his Earth family didn’t do well to keep him safe. It takes years for him to get over his anger at Max for putting so much on his grandchild. Ben makes more friends, in and out of the hero business, finally gets a therapist and gets some of his burdens eased a bit. It’s not a sure fire fix and Ben has several smaller breakdowns the rest of his life but its something.

- Azmuth was straight up suicidal before he met Ben for the first time. Ben gave him back hope for the universe and his ability to create items for peace not weapons. The boy infuriates him, frightens him, frustrates him but Azmuth cannot deny in his heart of hearts that he loves Ben dearly. He’s very upset at Ben’s breakdown and doesn’t know how to handle the worst of the initail outbursts. Azmuth talks Ben down from a suicide attempt. He reaches out to Ben that he Too felt overwhelmed by pressure, thought himself only good for war. Ben’s arrival in his life saved him and now he will do the same for Ben. It’s the first positive step forward in Ben’s recovery.

- For no other reason than I like it, Azmuth primarily refers to Ben as Benjamin (mostly to annoy the kid but he likes the way it sounds too) and Ben in softer, more serious moments. 

- Professor Paradox continues to flit in and out of Ben’s life. He says its because Ben is the most equipped to handle universal peril (true) but he’s also just very fond of the boy. Ben, existing in so many forms and having such importance also exists a beat outside of normal reality which Paradox identifies with. Ben is naturally attuned to time related problems because of this (instantly IDing Spanner as from the future before being told later deducing him to be his unborn son). Plus Ben named him, way back when. He’s just drawn to Ben.

- Adult Ben, while being seen as an impressively skilled fighter and champion, really has his strength as a universal diplomat of sorts. Based out of Earth, he helps mediate and defuse conflicts, advocate against tyranny and overall preserve peace and balance. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes and sometimes is forced to become violent (and yes kill) but overall is regarded as a peacekeeper, something younger ben simply couldn’t understand. 

- Gwen gets her degree and primarily does work with advocacy and teaching about magic/alien culture. While she and Ben are still close, there’s a bit of a frustrated divide in that she isn’t helping him share the burden of the universe. Gwen never wanted to be a hero and has enough worth to not shackle herself to a job that’ll burn her out. Ben loves heroing but gives too much of himself away trying to fix everything. They get into screaming arguments that it wouldn’t be so bad out there if she just helped him but she refuses to budge and says he shouldn’t make himself do so much. They always make up and thy still are each other’s closest relationships.

- Ben marries Kai in a political move, Kai is Asexual and Ben Aromantic. They didn’t love each other but they got on well enough and Ben was really feeling the stress of carrying the hero burden so Kai also being involved made him feel like he wasn’t alone. Both were also so tired of the universe constantly asking about their love life and said ‘fuck it we’re married leave us alone’. Gwen was always mad about it feeling Ben deserved better but the two of them were happy with it. They had separate rooms, mostly separate lives but they became strong friends and supports with their strictly platonic marriage. They had Ken via Invitro in an incubator and were loving if extremely busy parents. 

- Also from the moment he appeared, Ben knew that Spanner was his future son, Kenny. He played ignorant and then was kind of deliberately teasing him in future encounters. He knew the rules of time and didn’t want to disrupt things further even if he was angry and worried as heck about why Ken felt the need to time travel. When future Ben catches up in the timeline, Kenny gets SUCH a lecture. 

- Ben isn’t quite immortal but he’s also not entirely human anymore either. The Omnitrix not only keeps him safe from most harm but it lightens the effect of aging. Ben 10 is active many, many years when most humans would have been forced to retire. He’s not sure how long the watch will keep him alive and it terrifies him. Gwen too is functionally immortal however she ages like a normal human, then when her natural death came, shed her skin and became a fulltime Anodite. So in the end, it was her and Ben together wondering which of them will die first. Gwen has trouble retaining her humanity as pure energy and swears she’ll let herself fizzle out when Ben goes. When that’ll be however...