#feels disrespectful. but these are things that make me wonder if i really am autistic i can’t ever get this part right

[sweet-as-an-angel]

Hi!!! I’m the same guy as the one that asked about the age range and autism :] just having like another question or so idk I forgot tbh.

Again, it’s so okay if you don’t wanna answer any of these!! I completely get it, all is well 🫶🫶

Would Dominic have any reaction to a reader that stims a lot?? Either verbally or physically; maybe his adoration will miau like a cat as a vocal stim frequently or flap their hands or clap as a physical stim as well?? Would he do anything now that he has that knowledge??

If his obsession suffered from OCD, how would he exploit that disorder?? (under the impression that he would exploit it.) Perhaps their ocd revolves around severe obsessions of having something seriously wrong with them, paranoia, or extreme fear of dirt or contamination??

Can he speak another language?? If his adoration was bilingual would he put genuine effort into learning their mother language??

Would he find it disrespectful if his obsession was eye contact adverse?? Actually what things does he find disrespectful like in general?? Does he do anything to correct that behavior??

Would he be okay with them being like incredibly and insanely cuddly and touchy?? I am autistic myself and when I go nonverbal but can still stand touch it’s how I communicate if that makes sense at all??

OKOK I swear that’s it for at least a while 😭😭 he really has me thinking about things jesus christ man. If there’s any spelling mistakes or something you don’t understand, I’m sorry :[[ German is my first language.

Have a great day or night!! I wasn’t expecting to write this much ngl🫶🫶

In case I ever have anything else I’ll put a raccoon at the end!! :]]

-🦝

TW: Discussions of Mental Health, Mentions of OCD, Dominic Being Dominic

Welcome back, my dear 🦝 Anon <3 ! Your English is perfect, thank you for all your wonderful questions ^^ ! To answer your inquiries:

♡ If Reader stims a lot, Dominic will, of course, try to find a way to make your stimming all about him; especially if you have a lot of physical/verbal stims. He'll try to be in close proximity to you so that, when you do stim, you're more likely to either catch/grab him (unintentionally, of course). If you're apologetic - even though it isn't your fault - Dominic will absolutely find a way to guilt you into feeling bad about it, even when his veneer tells you that it's fine, it happens.

♡ Guilt breeds indebtedness - that's what Dominic has discovered. So, fresh off the wave of panic you're feeling, he'll ask you to do something for him that will require you to stay longer, during which time he'll see if you physically stim again or not. If so, he refreshes the process. Just like printing money.

♡ If you verbally stim and, say, make some kind of animal noise, he'll absolutely try and romanticise it. If you meow, he'll call you "Kitty," giving you a warm smile and a good-natured laugh. If/when you become more comfortable around him, he'll start calling you "Mon Minou," - My Kitty. He's one Discord server away from calling you Kitten.

♡ If you suffer with OCD, he'll start manipulating the physical environment to trigger you. Never in his own house, though. You need someplace as your safe space, right?

♡ He'll never verbally trigger you himself, either; nor will he allow any triggers to exist in his house as to try and reduce the likelihood of you having a negative association with his abode if you experience an OCD urge whilst you're there, regardless of how severe it is.

♡ In fact, he'll do things to make it seem like he's the only one that can combat it; he'll check windows to make sure they're locked, he'll sweep up crumbs off the floor to clear the path for you, he'll even call up one of his many doctor 'friends' (acquaintances. People in high places he's fashioned into his elite social circle) to come and informally examine you, to tell you that you're fine.

♡ If it's paranoia you're afflicted with, he'll seize the opportunity to turn himself into the only person you can come to, the only person you don't feel silly or afraid to spill your deepest worries to.

♡ Anything that will make you gaze up at him with nothing less than gratitude.

♡ Dominic can speak two languages fluently - English and French. He can speak other European and Asian languages, too, but to a minimal degree and only enough to discuss business matters. However, if you speak another language aside from the two he already has at his disposal, he'll absolutely make sure to learn it fluently, if only to become one of the few/only people in the neighbourhood with whom you can feel truly connected with.

♡ For peak manipulation, he'll learn everything about your mother tongue after your first meeting and start speaking to you in it - fluently - the next time you meet, pretending to have been able to speak it for many years past.

♡ If you are eye contact adverse, he'll try not to take it personally. But, knowing Dominic, that is a feat in and of itself. He values being able to exert power over others, and one of his main methods of doing so is unwavering eye contact. So, really, you're managing to inadvertently protect yourself from Dominic's Medusa stare.

♡ Behaviours Dominic views as 'disrespectful' would be signs dismissiveness towards him. Dominic is used to being the centre of attention in every environment he's in, so to have you, the object of his every desire, not paying attention to him is...a blow to his ego, to say the least. A metal rod to the backbone of his entire identity.

♡ Dominic will make quick work of ‘correcting’ your behaviour: standing so that it is only him in your direct line of sight; coming in close proximity so you can’t be ignorant to his presence; and, if he's bold enough, taking your chin between his fingers and making you look at up him.

♡ If you're very touchy-feely, Dominic goes absolutely feral; he can't believe he gets to have you touch him without: a.) having to initiate it, and b.) having to hide it. After all, it's a by-product of your mental health - it's beyond your control as much as it is his!

♡ He'll take full advantage of this, too, offering his arm for you to hang onto, his hand to hold, his chest to hide your face in. And all the while, all he's thinking of is how nice it feels not only to have you so close to him, but also how he can use this as an excuse to keep you close in the future.

Masterlist Yandere AI Masterlist Masterpost

AO3 Wattpad Tumblr Backup Account

[catguymarki]

I really want to like being Autistic.

I really really do.

I really want to accept that I am Autistic and that it doesn’t diminish who I am. I really want to accept that this is who I am going to be.

But I just can’t, I can’t do it at all, and I hate it so much.

I’ll be 25 soon and I have known that I am autistic since I was 7. I know how privileged I am to know that I am autistic so early on, but despite this, I can’t recall one single positive experience I’ve had from being Autistic.

I’ve been bullied and harassed for being Autistic since elementary school all the way up to when I graduated college. People think I’m nice at first, but soon after I meet them I do something that annoys them or makes them angry and then they cut me off with no explanation. This happens basically every time. When this happens I always ask what I did wrong so I can learn from it, but no one ever tells me anything, and I’m left sitting wondering what I did wrong, and never finding out. I’ve witnessed people disrespect and insult their friends constantly and remain friends while it seems like I am never allowed to make a single mistake. The only friend I had who talked to me at all for the past several years just ghosted me out of nowhere. I can’t stop crying about it wondering what I did to make them hate me. I would rather them tell me how much of an asshole I am instead of hearing absolutely nothing.

Being autistic didn’t make me smart or give me a “savant skill” to make a career out of like other autistic people. I can barely do math at all. I’m terrible at using computers and programing. My art looks like shit no matter what, and even stuff I like to do I’m only ok at. I try to get better at these things and practice for so long and just never see improvement and sit in anger and embarrassment wondering why the hell I’m so mediocre at everything I try.

Being sent to ABA and other therapy’s where I was just endlessly told that every way that I communicate and interact with people is wrong. Getting told that kids won’t like for who I am and I need to change. Getting shamed by other kids at school for going to therapy and getting called the “special ed kid” endlessly. I would mentally beat myself down after every therapy session wondering why my personality is so stupid and annoying and thinking about how much I hate who I am.

I hate how sensitive I am. how easily I cry or get upset at things. Getting agitated at something minor then feeling like shit about it afterwards. I hate how intensely I feel my emotions. I hate that I can’t forget the crappy things that people have done to me many years ago no matter how much time passes.

Any time I see posts from other Autistic people showing off the amazing things they create or deep intelligence with their special interests and talking about how amazing and awesome being autistic is and how much they love it, that they met their friends by being their neurodivergent selves, and that they would never want to not be Autistic, I am filled with so much envy and jealousy for these people that I feel like I will explode. I want to love being autistic like them more than anything, but nothing ever happens to me that allows that to happen, and I feel like the biggest piece of ableist crap for not liking my disability. I wish I loved being autistic as much as all of you do.

I’m sorry if this post upsets any other autistic or neurodivergent people or is ableist, I needed to get a vent out today after I lost the only friend I thought I had.

[adventuringblind]

New to your account, but love your neorodivergent/autistic reader with Oscar!! Just wondering, are you one, or do you know someone who is? I'm just curious cause you are nailing it down even to the small stuff, and I love it. If your uncomfortable sharing, I'd understand. I'm not autistic but I am part of the neurodivergent side, so thank you for the representation cause not many write about autistic or neurodivergents as a whole.

Also, sorry for this long ass message, and the floor is the best!! I really wanna know which motor home and track feels good enough to sleep in after one of the posts you did 😅

Yes! At least… most likely. I’ve been trying to get diagnosed with something even if it’s not autism. My doctor and therapist both thing that I am and I’ve been referred to a psychologist in hopes of getting a diagnosis.

I am a teacher (when I’m not writing). I’ve had to study a lot of the criteria for anything covered under the IDEA act because it’s important as an educator and for me personally to be able get a student the help they need as soon as possible.

I’ve been able to help both students and adults get answers they needed and get students the tools to help them be successful. I also just like learning about the brain in general. Anyone who knows me personally knows not to bring up the brain unless they want me to talk about for hours.

I actually didn’t think anything about it at first. Nobody had ever said anything to me and I had accepted the fact that I was a weird kid. Like… really weird.

Too old for my age. I hated the feeling of makeup (still do) and nobody understood why. Conversations were always difficult because I didn’t get majority of the jokes or I was ‘to deep’ or obnoxiously blunt. I’m a picky eater and have always been obsessed with specific things. My sensory issues are ridiculous and I was always shushing people who talked loud next to me. People purchased me clothes that I never wear because I hate the feeling. I was either disrespectful or extremely polite. I never changed even though my friends liked different things then I did. The list goes one…

Recently I encouraged my boyfriend if four years to get tested for ADHD. No shocker to anyone that he is and is now diagnosed. He also has practice with early intervention because he worked in early childhood. His own diagnosis, research, and speculations made him bring up the idea to me.

I pushed it off because I’m overly empathetic not apathetic. Basically I didn’t feel that I met the diagnosis criteria that I’d been studying in my college courses.

Actual research about how autism is more then the diagnostic criteria led me to believe maybe I’m neurodivergent in some way.

My boyfriend love to tell me ‘I told you so.’

I also know that self-diagnosis in the autistic community is welcomes usually. The only reason I say that I am is because of that and my doctor and therapist agree. I just don’t have a formal diagnosis yet.

It has explained a lot and it makes me look back on my childhood with more sympathy for myself.

Sorry for this long winded answer. The answer is yes which is why I write for neurodivergent readers.

If you want to see something specific or maybe a different type neurodivergent reader please let me know! :)

Definitely the Redbull ring and the Mercedes garage floor because it looks cold and shiny

[rainbowsky]

so today my mom was over at my place and my desktop background is a picture of xiao zhan from his winter solstice shoot, and when she saw it she asked who the hottie was and i had to restrain myself bc it was not the time place or the right person to info dump to! luckily or maybe unfortunately as an autistic person "conceal don't reveal" is a thing at which i excel alkjhslkdjf

but that got me wondering if i could perhaps ask for your perspective and experience with this, since i know you are also autistic. i find it very difficult to determine how much of my hyperfixations and special interests are safe to reveal to others and i've had some not so great reactions before so now i tend to keep up the mask and hold it all in, even with people close to me. as a result i know i probably come across as a very boring and negative person who is never interested in anything. i don't think i'm like that, but honestly i'm not sure anymore. i've pretended for so long i don't really know who i am.

do you share a lot with the people around you about your special interests? how do you know when where and to whom it's safe? does it all come down to surrounding yourself with good and understanding people that you're comfortable around and that accept you completely? writing it out now it looks so simple, like yes of course that's what i'm supposed to do! but how?? i don't know how to read people and on the occasions i have decided to trust someone and it turned out to be a huge mistake it feels really bad to be proven wrong, and being wrong lowers the chances that i'll open up again.

i can't help but fear that i will never be able to truly be myself around other people. in online spaces it's possible to stay anonymous and it's easy to just block and ignore the assholes, but it seems much harder irl. do you perhaps have any tips? since we have some of the same interests and your blog exudes a calm and accepting energy i feel like you would be a good person to ask. i hope it doesn't put you out.

thanks so much and take care! 💜

Hi Anon! 💖

It's not your job to protect people from your personality. I'm sad whenever I see this being taught to people, it's so wrong.

There is an affirmation that's been making the rounds for years that is so true: "You deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable."

A lot of neurodivergent people seem to carry the baggage of neurotypical people's disdain toward, impatience with and disrespect for the differences of others, and to that I say: BS. Their bigotry, ignorance and entitlement are not your problem.

A lot of the standards and expectations around how people 'should' be are a product of dominance culture (aka white supremacy culture). The belief that there is 'one right way' to be - and that the only way to be worthy and acceptable in society is to conform to that 'one right way' - is a core feature of dominance culture. That culture is one of the most destructive forces on the planet, and I urge everyone to root it out and dismantle it wherever they find it.

In fact there are many wonderful ways to be and live, and in a conformist world our choice to love ourselves, be ourselves and pursue self-actualization is a revolutionary act.

Of course we can and should work with others to build bridges across our differences and find ways to ensure that both people's needs get met in our relationships. But it's important that it is a two-way street, and not just a situation where we're doing all the adapting and accommodating and they're reaping all the benefits of being catered to*.

When that happens we end up having our value and self-esteem undermined while theirs is boosted, validated and affirmed. That only exacerbates the power imbalances and further erodes the relationship and our ability to build healthy, trusting connections.

*Contrary to popular belief, neurodivergent people spend their lives and a great deal of energy accommodating neurotypical people - not the other way around. The fairly recent, mostly tokenistic attempts to make spaces and cultures more 'ND-friendly' can't even hold a faint candle to the insane pretzels ND people have had to twist ourselves into for decades trying to 'fit in' and be accepted into a world which still caters almost exclusively to able-bodied, white, straight, cisgender, affluent, educated, neurotypical people.

So, to answer your question - be yourself, and in this way you will find your people.

Authenticity is the only way to build authentic relationships and connections.

If there are people in our lives who don't understand us and who treat our interests and our personalities as 'a problem', that's a problem that both sides need to address. We need to self-examine and make sure we are making space for the other person to express themselves, but they also need to do the same for us.

Balance is found by working together toward a common goal - a genuine connection between two people. Make sure that you both share that goal. Communicate your needs and ask them to share what their needs are as well.

Our needs matter.

Don't let them go unnoticed, unacknowledged and unmet. Not by you or anyone else.

We're all in fandom, we're all familiar with the concept of 'the confession'. This is actually an important concept in all relationships, not just romantic ones. Because in ALL relationships, being yourself is the ultimate act of love.

Just like a love confession, it requires vulnerability, trust and a desire to connect. When we reach out to someone to share some part of who we are inside, we are initiating a connection with that person and giving them the gift of our authentic self.

If they are unable or unwilling to accept that and meet us where we are, then they are probably not the right person for us to connect with, or else they aren't yet ready to connect.

That can be painful and can feel like a form of rejection, but I try to take those things as useful information, and treat my personality as a friend filter. Those who are put off by me aren't the right people for me to try to be close to. I want to surround myself with people who are able to be real with me and accept me and celebrate me for who I am (and vice versa).

Special interests are a big part of that, because they become so central in our lives. If we have people close to us who can't make space for us and our special interests in some way, then we will end up feeling lonely and invisible. That becomes even worse when we are shamed and ridiculed for our interests.

I go back to what I said before - our needs matter. If we work toward having truly reciprocal, equitable relationships where both people's needs are being met, we will be happier overall.

Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication is a great place to start on that project.

Trust is hard. I am naive and trusting to a fault, and I have to lean heavily at times on others who have my best interests in mind, or else I end up being bullied or taken advantage of.

If you're struggling with that, I urge you to find someone you can truly trust (preferably multiple people) - such as a close friend or family member who has proved to truly have your best interests at heart, or if you can't find that, a therapist who understands your needs and vulnerabilities and can be a support and a sounding board - and get their help and advice in situations you're uncertain about.

If you can't find a therapist and you have no close people you trust, there are many online communities and groups where you can find like-minded people to bounce these things off of.

Most importantly, always remember that everything we say, do and think can only ever be a reflection of ourselves, our values, and what's in our hearts and minds. It can never be about anyone else.

If people treat you badly it's not because you're bad, it's because they are.

(or rather, because they're unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited, in a dark place, self-focused to a fault, etc. etc. but that doesn't make as memorable a sound bite)

Don't let unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited people, etc., etc. teach you to think or feel badly about yourself. Understand that hurtful criticism is about the other person and their expectations, values and attitudes, not about you.

Exercise healthy boundaries. Understand where the other person ends and where you begin, and refuse to take on things that aren't part of who you are. Ask yourself, "Do I truly agree with what this person is saying?"

Is what the other person claims true, fair, honest, and said in the spirit of compassion and connection, or was it said in a judgmental, self-absorbed (focusing on their needs at the exclusion of your own), punitive way? Are they trying to connect with you or are they trying to control or change you?

We can often have a tendency to hear criticism - particularly from those who we look up to or want to have a connection with - as truth being served to us by someone who sees something in us, when in most cases other people's criticism truly has nothing to do with us. It's about the other person and what they want.

This tendency to gobble up negative messages from others ties in with the nearly universal experience of imposter feelings - the idea that deep down inside we are unworthy, a fraud and an imposter, and it's only a matter of time before others will find us out and condemn us. This is another feature of dominance culture.

People are much more attuned to negative messages than to positive ones because of the deep, secret fear that we are bad. Which is so tragic, because the people who know us best and have our best interests in mind are the loving voices we tend to dismiss, while the mean-spirited messages from hurtful people are taken to heart.

But as I said before, their criticism has less to do with us and much, much more to do with who they are and what they want.

And what they want might not be right for us, so we should be cautious and considered in how we handle it. We need to unpack and examine it, and only take in what feels fair and helpful and can enrich our lives and lead to growth.

I know I say this a lot, but we should never let anyone else tell us who we are. We are the only experts on ourselves. If we are self-examined, honest and personally accountable, and if we are doing our best and acting in good faith, that is all anyone can ask of us.

So as I see it, you are dealing with two separate issues:

The internalized belief that you are 'too much' for neurotypical people to want to be around.

Issues around trust in relationships.

Recognizing these as two separate issues and reflecting on them as such might help a lot.

The first is an issue of self-acceptance. Only by looking at yourself as worthy and valuable and interesting can you go out into the world and take your place in relationships as an equal who has something appropriate to contribute rather than approaching it as though you are a burden.

Only by championing your own needs, traits and beautiful qualities as every bit as valid and important as the needs, traits and qualities of those around you will you find a balance and build relationships where you are appreciated and valued.

The second issue is something that takes time, but building trust means taking risks - there's no way around it.

Don't take other people's disappointing behavior personally. When we test the waters to see if someone is worthy of our trust and they show us they aren't - that's useful information about our incompatibilities with that person. It doesn't say anything about our selves, or about our worth as humans. All it tells us is that we are going to have to look elsewhere to find the right connection.

Long-winded and meandery, but I have a lot of thoughts on these topics because they're issues I've grappled with a lot in my life. I hope any of it is helpful, Anon. And I hope you find ways to be comfortable sharing more of yourself with others who can accept you and celebrate you for who you are.

I talked in more detail about conformity, acceptance and dealing with people who ridicule our interests/fandom here.

I talked more about dealing with issues around autism here.

EDIT: A couple of follow-up posts

About the limitations and barriers some people face with building in-person connections

Further tips and reading on self-esteem

[asexual-society]

Hi! I'm autistic, I'm not interested in sex because I'm tactile defensiveness. (I feel really uncomfortable being touched during interactions, including sex. I'm very anxious because we live in a society which is based on sex.) Sex is everywhere : in magazines, movies, songs, people often talk about it... People say to me "You're weird to not like sex, everybody likes sex!". How could I accept me as I am ?

Hey anon, I'm on my ~Sorry This Has Been Collecting Dust In Our Inbox~ rounds, so sorry about that.

It can be so hard accepting sex repulsion or aversion in our society, and it's not a linear path. I think it helps to know you're not alone though, even if it feels like it a lot of the time. Making friends with people who feel the same way is really valuable, because even if you're having a shitty day and feeling bad about *gestures vaguely* everything, and especially your aversion, you can vent to people who get it and won't try and change your mind or talk you into it.

To be honest, I tend to tune out most oversexualised media these days, it just doesn't register to me, but I still find myself wondering if there is any way to be chill enough with touch and vulnerability that I could have sex if I wanted to. Which really sucks, and I'm fully secure in my asexuality, and I have people who understand and feel the same, and yet the things that get to you still get to me (and I'm aro so I get the double-whammy of all this but with romance too). It is easier to tell that shitty part of my brain to fuck off these days though.

If you can surround yourself with people who don't disrespect your feelings that's a good step. So is finding media that isn't about/doesn't involve sex. You gotta curate your own experience, don't just let The Algorithm tell you what the world is like, sex isn't the only thing in the world, so if you're being told it is, you just need to find a space where you're not. Easier said than done, sure, but sometimes self acceptance is easier to come by from the outside, hearing that there's nothing wrong with you from someone else might stick more than telling yourself.

So! There's nothing wrong with you anon. Sex is boring and honestly not that great most of the time, and even when it is good, it's not the only good thing in the world, and anyone who thinks it's the best thing ever clearly doesn't have many hobbies. You're not weird for not liking sex- it's not the most usual thing, obviously, but it's just like not liking coffee, or chicken nuggets, or dogs, or like. idk taylor swift? i feel like she's up to a lot at the moment,, anyway- some people are gonna be shitty about it, but that doesn't make them right.

Sending positive vibes, and hope you're doing okay.

- mod key

[mangodestroyer]

Anyone else starting to think that maybe they don't have a "mental illness" or a "mental condition", but that they're actually just having a normal response to their environment?

I used to really identify with depression. As well as autism. They were things that a couple therapists suggested. And I used to find comfort in them because I thought they described my life experience pretty well.

And also, I used to be one of those people who got super into Psychology and started wondering if there was something very wrong with me. I started getting all "do I have this?" and "do I have that?" I also started getting super obsessed with "toxicity" and "working on myself." Thought that I was horrible and toxic for still being miserable at times and that I needed to "put in the work and sort out my problems" to... whatever magical point determines if you've actually "done the work."

It's because the advice is always about "looking inward" because "you're 100% in control of your emotions and responses to things. You can "do the work" to make things better!" Which isn't a bad thing to be aware of and practice, but this can be pretty dismissive and toxic to say about certain situations. But blaming outside factors is considered "toxic."

Um, yeah. I might actually be prone to feeling down at times. Feeling anxious. Having bad thoughts. And, well, autistic tendencies. But tbh, I think my environment has always greatly aggravated those problems. I mean, that's just a natural side effect of living in such a toxic environment where certain people go out of their way to make you miserable/disrespect you and your belongings. While other people shrug or even encourage them. Or being around people who ACTUALLY struggle with emotional regulation (getting super angry all the time, ALL THE TIME, and making it other people's problem; my mother loved to/still does use me as a therapist but doesn't care about my problems in the slightest, so I think that would be a source of misery for someone).

On top of that, isn't it normal for people to sometimes be awkward or overly analytical? Or to get super upset over dumb shit (i.e. misinterpreting a situation as you being left out and feeling under appreciated)? Or to get envious of others when they have something you've always wanted? Or to get super frustrated when dealing with a difficult individual?

I've been talking to irl people more and they don't actually seem to think I'm that abnormal/weird/toxic. Two people told me it's my environment and I need to get out, or at least, find some way to get away from it now and then. And also, people aren't put off by my "autism" either (seriously, I am diagnosed with a similar condition and ig could be on the spectrum, so I'm not trying to dismiss the diagnosis or anything, but I also don't think it's a social death sentence like I used to). I used to think it was scaring people off/causing bullying behaviors in others, but that's actually not true. Working through my trauma, however, has made me more confident and THAT'S making people approach me more. But being terminally online led me to fall down a weird Psychology rabbit hole where I started believing I was too weird, horrible, and neurotic.

It's also been proven that the way therapy is done, at least here in the U.S., just doesn't work. Keeping things surface level and promoting toxic positivity isn't going to help someone with some heavy problems (which is going to be most people in therapy). I think there's also a shaming factor to it (being considered toxic if you aren't always okay). Or just the extreme push with drugs (seriously, I can't even visit a doctors office these days, as someone who is anxious around medical professionals because of bad experiences, without getting anxiety drugs pushed on me!) I've never touch any of those drugs and I'm glad I stayed firm about not taking them. I was almost tempted to because of pressure (literally thought that I was too neurotic at one point and needed anti-psychotics). They just wouldn't have helped me. They would have just been like putting a band aid on a gaping wound. It's disturbing how many medical professionals and therapists will just jump to them within minutes of talking to you.

[gaelic-symphony]

From the CM asks

What's a random hot take you have about the show/a character/a plot?

Oh, goodness, just ONE hot take? I have so many! Hmmmm...to cause chaos and burn shit down, or not to cause chaos and burn shit down?

I'm gonna cause chaos and burn shit down.

The way that a large and worrisome number of people in this fandom (lesbians by and large not included) treat Emily is deeply, deeply misogynistic and terrible. Canon Emily is brilliant, refined, charming, highly competent, worldly, multilingual, fiercely independent and self-sufficient, calm under pressure, and self-assured. Fandom has turned her into this bumbling, incompetent chaos gremlin who is only there for comic relief (as much as I love you, Incorrect Criminal Minds Quotes, I am very much looking at you right now). Hotch stans are overwhelmingly the worst culprits of this misogynistic treatment of Emily, both before she takes over for him as unit chief (e.g. bending over backwards to find ways to justify him treating her like shit when she first joins the team) and after (all the "no Hotch no watch" bullshit). Plus, the very existence of Hotchniss as a ship feels like such disrespect for Emily as a character for two big reasons that go way beyond just me not shipping it:

I literally do not think I have ever seen anyone ship Hotchniss out of a deep and abiding love for Emily. That ship is full of Hotch stans who ship them together because they love and want to obsess and fangirl over Hotch. And like, there's nothing wrong with loving Hotch, but when everyone's shipping a ship out of love for him and not her, that creates a legitimate problem, similar to the problem with the specific way that some (although definitely not all!) Reid stans ship Moreid and Ralvez, because they're taking these really wonderful characters of color and making their stories revolve completely around a fan favorite white boy. And when a lot of these Hotch stans ship Hotchniss out of love for Hotch, they're just using Emily to live out their own fantasy and achieve their own sexual gratification. They're stripping her of her agency, her individuality, and everything that makes her who she is in order to make it easier for them to project themselves onto her. They're taking this strong, wonderful, complicated, beautiful female character--A CHARACTER WHO WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN AS A LESBIAN AND IS WIDELY ACCEPTED AS ONE IN FANON AND YES, THAT IS ACTUALLY SUPER IMPORTANT--and making her entire story revolve around a man.

I'm only half-joking when I say that it's lesbophobic to ship Emily with men. Because even though Emily isn't actually, technically a lesbian in canon, in a way, she might as well be. She is so deeply queer coded (and not just queer coded, but specifically lesbian-coded in the way she interacts with women vs. men) and so widely accepted as a lesbian in fanon, and it is so widely known that she was originally written as a lesbian, and Lesbian Emily means so much to so many lesbian fans who are already so starved for any representation at all, that Emily actually does feel close enough to being a canonically lesbian character that it is extremely tempting to say, "fuck ship and let ship, DO NOT ship this character with men, just let the lesbians have something for once in our goddamn lives!" And sure, everyone's allowed to have their own headcanons and their own interpretations of characters, but maybe there are some near-canon characterizations widely accepted in fanon that allow fans from marginalized identities to see themselves represented and better engage with the media they consume (e.g. Autistic Spencer, Lesbian Emily) that deserve a little more respect and deference than, say, headcanons about what kind of music a character likes? So when I say that Emily is a lesbian, I don't just mean that I headcanon her as a lesbian; I mean that she is a lesbian in the same way that Spencer is autistic, even though neither one of those things is actually, technically true in canon. And while nobody's saying that you have to headcanon Emily as a lesbian or Spencer as autistic in order to participate in this fandom, if you consistently create content that deliberately erases Spencer's autism or Emily's lesbianism, autistic Reid stans and lesbian Emily stans may understandably and legitimately take issue with your work for reasons that go much deeper than simply not agreeing with your headcanons.

Anyway, those are the reasons why I actually feel kinda justified in gatekeeping Emily Prentiss from anyone in this fandom who is not either a) a lesbian, or b) a non-lesbian sapphic who headcanons Emily as a lesbian.

Also, I literally do not give a single shit about Hotch beyond just liking him as a character and appreciating what he brings to the show, and I 100% stand by this statement I made in a conversation about Hotch girlies:

I also believe with every fiber of my being that this is how Emily feels about Hotch, too.

[noco7]

ch.10 ramblings

What I tried to achieve in ch.10/what I want to achieve later/what I think of Sierra

So ch.10 was pretty long, so I’m almost not sure where to start when talking about it. I guess I’ll start with some of my goals (one of them ended up being so long that im putting it in a different post) 1) (Too long see - it will be in the next post)

2) I wanted to re-explain Ch. 9 I feel like ch.9 wasn’t my best work? Lol. Like although people could see the argument coming, there wasn’t a lead up in the chapter itself. And a lot of things Noah said were like. New. And also rlly harsh at the end? Haha.  At the end of ch.5 people were like “oh i see both sides” but at ch.9 people were like, taking sides. Either Cody was oblivious or they couldn’t see where exactly Noah was coming from. So I decided to explain it better, via those flashblack lines, and the conversation with Trent, where Cody could finally really process what had gone down. It also gave me a chance to insert some like second-hand noco fluff, just because it had been so long and also to remind us what was at stake here. Lol. We also see Cody start to like, internalize what Noah was saying. Usually when they’re arguing Cody’s just ... *reacting*. He’s denying, or apologizing, or just figuring out smth to say Back. And not really being like... wait maybe he has a point. Wait. And once he starts thinking about it, that’s when it comes crashing down for him. Oh maybe I am a bit of a problem person. Yikes. 3) I wanted this chapter to rlly be about sides. “nothing is black and white” Courtney is on one side and refuses to see the other. Heather is helping Cody but she’s also helping herself.  Mrs. Morrison sees Cody as a son but Courtney sees him as a project. Noah was right but Noah was also wrong. Cody is innocent but also not. The housekeeper did something bad for the right reasons. There’s Sierra’s side and there’s Codys but both of them are suffering. Sierra doesn’t get a perfect sentence and somehow both Noah and Cody lost the same argument.  4) I wanted to humanize Sierra. Or at least make you feel bad for her In the show she’s always meant to be like “wow she’s WEIRD” and i guess she is. Some people say she’s autistic. My fic gave her the diagnosis of “erotomania” which honestly.. I don’t stand by? Like I have no idea. And I purposefully the psychologist kind of a sucky dude. Like he’s disrespectful, he’s probably just tacking on a label that seems to fit and that the public can ooh and ahh over. And I feel bad for her. There was always something tragic about her to me, that she put all this effort and focus into a guy who’d never love her. And her belief that he did love her... it’s hard not to wonder if it’s just denial. Or Sunken-Cost fallacy. Like she’s done this much for him, she can’t back out now. Honestly, she reminds me of kpop stans. I say this as a person who listens to kpop music and used to be heavily involved in kpop fandoms.. There are so many people wasting hours of their life to stream and buy and provide for their fave celebrities. I have spent over like.. probably $300-500 dollars on that boy group and I’ll never get it back lmaoo. I could write whole essay about fandom culture and how fanwars are ultimately to the gain of the companies, everything goes back to them, but uhh. Not going to. But anyway, Sierra is a person who bought into it, went too far, and now refuses to get back out. And I feel bad for her. Honestly, I think that like Cody, she just has no one else. Like she’s latched onto him as her saviour and she has nothing to fall back on otherwise.  I mean she’s still a huuuge creep but uhh. Still. There is a line from World Tour I can’t get over, in the semi-final episode where she tells Cody that he has to work to deserve fans like her. And that just shows off the entitlement, the fan-culture. And I find that really fascinating, overall. I kinda like her. And not in a “I want to tone her down,” or “I wish she used her knowledge of total drama more and was a smarter contestant.” No. I like her just as a stalker fan. That’s compelling enough. Total Drama didn’t do much with it but repeat the same jokes over and over, but there’s a well of depth behind it if you reach.  I don’t think I really showed that off in this chapter though, just the denial bits. If I make another fanfic that involves Sierra, I definitely will. 5) There’s also stuff I could say here about like. The media coverage, but I think it’s abundantly obvious I am not a celebrity and have never dealt with it so like. It definitely falls short. But smth smth, having no control over your public image is frightening. Cody did control it for a week and that was a great high, but in the end it got away from him. Good attention and bad attention. Cody can never catch a break. I’ll go into it more kinda.. the good vs bad attention in some other chapters. I’m sleepy. I’ll also go more into the need for “control,” that Cody kinda has in this fic. It’s not that he’s bad at being passive or doesn’t enjoy it, but “control” gives him that cool guy masculine rush. So. yeah.  anyway thanks for reading this long post. 

[aces-to-apples]

Your Reputation Precedes You

A response to “On Fandom Racism (and That Conlang People Are Talking About)” because lmao that cowardly bitch just hates getting feedback from people that she can’t then harass into oblivion

i.e. God I Wish I Could Use The Tag Fandom Wank Without The Titty Police Nerfing My Post

-

To be frank, I'm not here because I think you or any of your little cronies are going to change your minds. If the 'name' wasn't a giveaway, your group of ~likeminded individuals~ have quite the reputation for espousing ableist, antisemitic, and, yes, racist views under wafer-thin the veneer of "calling out racism." I think we both know that what you're actually doing is using the relative anonymity of the internet and progressive language to abuse, harass, and bully fans that you personally disagree with. You and your group are toxic, hateful, and utterly pathetic, using many peoples' genuine desire to avoid accidentally causing harm and twisting it into this horrid parade of submissiveness to You, The One And Only Arbiter Of Truth And Justice In Fandom. Never mind that you have derided autistic people as lacking compassion and empathy, that you've used racist colonizer dogwhistles to describe a fictional culture based heavily on real live Maori culture, that you've mocked the idea of characters having PTSD, or that vital mental health services are anything more than "talking about your feelings with friends uwu." Let's just ignore that you have ridiculed the idea of adults in positions of power exerting that power over children in harmful and abusive ways, that creating transformative fan-content that doesn't adhere to the spirit of canon or wishes of the original author garners derision and hatefulness from you, and that you've used classic abuser tactics in order to gaslight people in your orbit into behaving more submissively towards you in order to avoid more verbal abuse.

Let's toss all of that crucial context aside in favor of only what you've written here.

What you've written here is nearly 3,000 entire words based on, at best—though, admittedly, based on your previous behavior, I am actually not willing to extend to you an iota of good faith—fallacious reasoning. You posit that a constructed language, to be used by a fictional religious group located in an entirely different galaxy than our own, is othering, racist in general, and anti-Asian specifically. This appears based in several suppositions, the first being that a language unknown by the reader will, by nature, cause the reader to feel alienated from the characters and therefore less sympathetic, empathetic, and caring towards the characters. That idea is patently ridiculous and, I believe, says far more about your ability to connect to a character speaking an unfamiliar language than any kind of overarching truth about media and the human condition. New things are interesting; new things are fun; the human brain is wired from birth to be fascinated with new things, to want to take them apart, find out how they work, and enjoy both the process and the results.

The second supposition this fallacy is based upon appears to be that to move away from the blatant Orientalism of Star Wars is inherently anti-Asian. While I find it... frankly, a little bit sad that you cling so viciously to the Orientalist, appropriative roots of Star Wars as some form of genuine representation, that's really none of my business. If you feel that a Muslim-coded character bombing a temple and becoming a terrorist and a Sith, a white woman wearing Mongolian wedding garb, a species of decadent slug-like gangsters smoking out of hookahs and keeping attractive young women chained at their feet (as it were), a species of greedy money-grubbers with exaggerated features and offensively stereotypical "Asian" accents, and an indigenous people wearing modesty garb based on the Bedu people and treated by most characters as well as the narrative as mindless animals deserving of murder and genocide are appropriate representation of the many, varied, and beautiful cultures around the world upon which they were "based," then that is very much your business. Until you pull shit like this. Until you accuse other fans, who wish to move away from such offensive coding and stereotypes, of erasing Asian culture from Star Wars. Then it becomes everyone's business, especially when you are targeting a loving and enthusiastic group of fans who are pouring their hearts and souls into creating an inventive and non-appropriative alternative to canon.

Which leads into the third supposition, that a patently racist, misogynistic white man in the 1970s, and then again in the 1990s, intended his universe to be an accurate and respectful portrayal of the various cultures he stole from. I understand that for your group of toxic bullies, the term "Death of the Author" holds no real meaning, but the simple fact of the matter is that George Lucas based his white-centered space adventure on Samurai movies while removing the cultural context that gave them any meaning, because he liked the idea of swords and noble warriors in space. He based the Force and the Jedi Order on belief systems such as Taoism and Buddhism, but only on the surface, without putting any real effort into into portraying them earnestly or accurately. He consistently disrespected both characters of color and characters coded to be a certain race, ethnicity, culture, or religion, and likewise disrespected and stole from the cultures upon which he based them. He was, and continues to be, a racist white man who wrote a racist story. His universe has Orientalism baked into its every facet, and the idea that fans who wish to move away from this and interrogate and transform the text into something better than what it is are racist is not only laughable, but incredibly disingenuous and insidious.

As I said, I am not writing this to change your mind, because I truly believe that you already know that "cOnLaNgS aRe RaCiSt" is a ridiculous statement. The way you've comported yourself in fandom spaces thus far has shown to me that you are nothing more than a bully who knows that the anti-racist movement in fandom can be co-opted for your benefit. If you tout your Asian heritage and use the right language, make the "right" accusations and take advantage of white guilt and white ignorance, you can have dozens of people falling at your feet, begging for forgiveness, for absolution. And I think that gives you a thrill. So, no, none of this will change your mind because none of this is genuinely about racism—it's about power, it's about control, it's about fandom being the only space where you have some.

So I'm writing this for the creators of this wonderful conlang, which has been crafted by multiple people including people of color, who don't deserve this nonsensical vitriol, and for the fans reading this manipulative hate-fest, wondering if they really are Evil Racists because they don't participate in fandom the way you think they should.

Here it is: fandom has a lot of racism, antisemitism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism, etc. baked into it. Unfortunately, such is the nature of living and growing up in societies and cultures that have the same. The important thing is to independently educate yourself on those issues and think critically about them—not "think critically" as in "to criticize" them, but to analyze, evaluate, pick apart, examine, and reconstruct them again in order to come to a well thought-out conclusion. Read this well-articulated attack on a group of fans who have always welcomed feedback and participation, are open about their backgrounds, their strengths and weaknesses, and wonder who is actually being genuine.

Is it the open and enthusiastic group who ask for the participation of others in this labor of love? Or is it the ringleader of a group of well-known bullies who have manipulated, gaslit, and then subsequently love-bomb people who did not simply roll over at the slightest hint of dominance? The ones who spent hours upon hours tearing apart, mocking, deriding, and falsely accusing authors of fanworks and metatextual works of various bigotries and -isms, knowing that those evaluations were spurious and meant only to cause harm, not genuine examinations of the works themselves or even presumed authorial intent. The ones who made their own, quote-unquote, community so negative and toxic that even after the departure of a large portion of them, including this author in particular, that community still has a reputation for being hateful, toxic, and full of mean-spirited harassers who will never look critically about their own behavior but only ever point fingers at others. The ones who are so very determined to cause misery wherever they go that as soon as their usual victims are no longer immediately available, they will turn on each other at the slightest hint of weakness.

This entire piece of (fan)work is misinformed at the most generous, disingenuous at the most objective, and downright spiteful when we get right into it. The creators of Dai Bendu, along with various other works, series, and fan events that these people personally dislike, have been targeted because it is so much easier to harass, bully, and use progressive language as a weapon against them, than it is to put any effort into making fandom spaces more informed, more positive, more respectful.

As someone rather eloquently put it, community is not a fucking spectator sport. You want a better community, you gotta work at it. And conversely, what you put into your community is what you'll get out of it. This author and their friends have put a lot of hate into their communities, and now they're toxic cesspools that people stay well away from, for fear of contracting some terrible form of harassment poisoning.

Congrats, Ri, you've gotten just what you wanted: adoring crowds listening to you spout your absolutely heinous personal views purely to live out some kind of power fantasy, and the rest of us staying well away, because fuck knows nothing kind, helpful, or in good faith has ever come from Virdant or her echo-chamber of petty, spiteful assholes.

No love, bad night.

P.S. Everyone actually in the Dai Bendu server knows your ass got kicked because you didn’t say shit for a full thirty days and ignored the announcement that inactive members would be culled. You ain’t cute pretending like it’s because you were ~*~Silenced~*~ after ~*~Valiantly~*~ attempting to call out racism. We see you.

[lokismusings]

Russell T Davies on straight actors and gay characters.

I decided to put this here because I post a lot of Hilson stuff. As an actor, this article hit a nerve. However, as a defender of free speech, Davies is allowed to have his opinion without me thinking of him as insensitive. Just like I am allowed to have my own opinion and argument, and ask questions without being labeled “homophobic, intolerant” etc. (that would just make me laugh because have you SEEN my blog? Anyway, I’ve seen a few other websites covering this article. I am also very skeptical of everything I read, including the sources, and I try not to blindly believe everything. That being said, I felt like posting this to get other opinions and ask honest question to help my understanding. If this has already been covered on Tumblr, please feel free to send me the conversations! Some background on me: I graduated with a BA in Theatre and have worked both on and off the stage since I was twelve years old. I have directed plays and an audio play. Given my experience and dedication to my craft, I think my opinion is worth something.

Also, for the sake of this argument, I am leaving trans-actors out because that’s a whole different post. Here is the article:

https://news.sky.com/story/russell-t-davies-straight-actors-should-not-play-gay-characters-12185652

Okay, so first things first, let’s talk about this: “Speaking to the Radio Times, Davies compared a straight actor playing a gay character to black face.” Something that irks me is when one person tries to speak for a whole community and doesn’t reference people from said community who might disagree: whether it’s the LGBTQ+ community, a religious community, medical community, etc. The list goes on. Here, Davies is speaking on behalf of, or speaking for, both the LGBTQ+ community and the black community, is he not? I am genuinely asking because I would like to be more educated on this kind of speech. 

Then Davies says, "I'm not being woke about this... but I feel strongly that if I cast someone in a story, I am casting them to act as a lover, or an enemy, or someone on drugs or a criminal or a saint... they are NOT there to 'act gay' because 'acting gay' is a bunch of codes for a performance.” Does that not discredit his whole statement? If any actor does a caricature version of anything and doesn’t take it seriously or really works to get into the role and the mindset of a character, they’re not a good actor. At least, they’re not an actor that I’d want to hire. Second, by the logic that a straight person shouldn’t play a gay character, should someone without a criminal record not be able to play a criminal character? Before you go off and say “it’s about identity and sexuality, and playing a criminal is about the choice to break the law” or other arguments, I hear you. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the experience. How can an actor who has never committed a crime play a criminal character authentically? They do their research: reading, interviewing, etc. I’m not saying that an actor with a few minor marks on his record shouldn’t be considered for the same role. I’m saying that in an audition setting, if both of these actors were auditing for the role and the non-criminal-record actor just happened to do a better job and fit what the director and/or writer wanted, is that a mark against the criminal-record-actor? Maybe personally because we don’t know what the director is thinking. But chances are, it’s not a mark against the other actor. The other one just happened to have a better audition. Or, a major factor when considering casting, said actor was easy to work with--I’ve seen a lot of talented actors lose a lot of roles because of their inability to take criticism or notes. 

Plus, the whole “Breaking Bad” series?? I highly doubt the main actors were meth-making drug-lords. Or, a better example, “The Wire?” In that show, we see the constant battle and deals between drug-lords and cops. 

Another point I’d like to make:  “...is a bunch of codes for a performance.” That’s exactly right. The audience doesn’t want to know an actor is “performing.” We know that going in, with what is called “suspension of disbelief.” We know the whole show is a performance, but we also expect the actors to be truthful (unless it’s a comedy/farce, but again, that’s a different argument). 

Was it bad that, before 2020, some main characters in TV shows were portrayed as straight but the writers ended up “queer-baiting?” I am referring, of course, to House, M.D. (If you follow this blog, you’ll understand.) But I am also referring to the BBC Sherlock Holmes series. Yes, both pairs of characters (House and Wilson; Holmes and Watson) are assumed to be straight. However, some episodes allude that there could also be something more there. Even the actors have said in various interviews that they aren’t sure if it’s a true romance that the characters are afraid to face, or just a strong bond between best friends that blurs the line between platonic and romantic. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the picture. Therefore, should these characters have only been played by straight actors who are questioning their sexuality or feelings for a best friend? Would it have been disrespectful to gay people if these characters ended up becoming romantically involved? (If we ask the Hilson and Johnlock community, I’m guessing that’s a resounding “NO WAY! IT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE!” xD <3) 

“It's about authenticity, the taste of 2020.” *Cinema Sins sigh*

"You wouldn't cast someone able-bodied and put them in a wheelchair...” Again I say, directors and casting directors need to ALWAYS search for someone who is in a wheelchair, or deaf, or HOH, etc. before looking for an able-bodied actor to play a character with that disability (I’m iffy on the whole term “disability because of its negative connotations, but I’m using that word in order to keep this post as long as possible). But I give you the example of Rainman with Dustin Hoffman. Or A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe. Or the play and movie Proof, where the father had a mental illness?  Anthony Hopkins was diagnosed late in life with Asperger’s Syndrome, but the father in Proof was written to allude more to schizophrenia. And yet, Anthony Hopkins did a tremendous job in that role. Or Even Forrest Gump with Tom Hanks. Many people today love Tom Hanks and laud him as a “woke” celebrity. But if he were to portray the role of Forrest Gump today, how many people would try to “cancel” him or at least have very strong words for the director not casting an actor with autism, due to the character’s autistic tendencies? A whole lot of people on the internet and Twitter, I’ll bet. As someone who struggles with anxiety and panic disorder, would I be upset if someone without that mental illness got cast in a role of a character struggling with that? Sure I would. But if they did an authentic job and approached the role respectfully, it would be hard to stay irritated. Besides, there are always more roles created practically everyday. 

To continue on with Davies’ quote: “...you wouldn't black someone up.” Yikes. I’m sure he didn’t mean this in a cast-off kind of way, but that’s how it comes across. I can see now why he said he wasn’t “being woke about this,” because a more “woke” way of putting that would be...what, exactly? “You wouldn’t cast a non-black person in a black role.” That sounds better and less harsh. Or even “a white person in a minority role.” Which should be common sense, and I agree with both statements. 

And then “Authenticity is leading us to joyous places." Oh! Look at that! There’s that word that I’ve been using and emphasizing throughout this whole post! Authenticity is one major brick in the foundation of good, credible acting. 

“High-profile examples of straight performers playing LGBTQ+ characters include Rami Malek's Oscar-winning portrayal of Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody, and Taron Egerton's Golden Globe-winning turn as Sir Elton John in Rocketman.”

I haven’t seen Rocketman, but I saw Bohemian Rhapsody and it was great! Why am I high-lighting this movie? Because it’s the perfect example of a straight actor playing a gay character and playing it authentically, while also looking a lot like the real person they’re portraying. If a look-a-like had been cast who also happened to be gay, but couldn’t act to save their life or couldn’t bring as much as Rami brought to the role, wouldn’t that kind of put a damper on the film? And yet, Rami Maleck both looked the part and brought an authenticity to the role that many Queen fans loved and appreciated. Even the remaining Queen band members said that he did an incredible job and Freddy would be proud. I wonder if Freddy would care that Rami wasn’t gay? I doubt it, but no one can know for certain. 

Then there’s the whole term “gay face.” I personally don’t think this is the right term to use because it could possibly diminish the whole meaning and importance of “black face.” Even if Corden appeared to be mocking gay people (I never watched The Prom so I have no idea what his performance was like), calling it “gay face” takes away from and inadvertently belittles the whole dark history of “black face.” Black face’s whole history comes out of an even darker history of racist times filled with hatred and ignorance. I’m not saying that gay people haven’t had their own experiences with hate and intolerance, but isn’t kind of “un-woke” and “insensitive” to compare the hundreds of years of blatant, public racism against an entire race of people to the intolerance of homosexuals? (Again, I’m asking this genuinely because I want to learn and get other people’s opinions. I’m not trying to speak for any community, and I recognize that my personal opinion on this matter is just that: my opinion. And I could be better informed.)

Along the lines of the above paragraph, is it wrong to say or think that casting a non-minority actor in a minority role is a lot different from casting a straight actor in a gay role? Sexuality comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors; that is to say, every race has people with different sexualities. But I think it would be pretty cringe if a Caucasian actress was cast in a role meant for an Asian or African-American woman. 

Director Joe Mantello told Sky News the casting was not intentional, but rather a "very fortunate series of events".

He continued: "That being said, I think having an out gay cast really did inform the work and it took on a particular kind of tone because of that, which is not to say that's the only way to approach this material. But for this particular group, it did something that I think is very, very special. There's a chemistry that they have."

And this man summed up my entire argument! He also put into simpler terms what I have been trying to express about the beauty of theatre: there will always be special casts, especially when there’s a great chemistry from a shared experience. A "very fortunate series of events,” indeed. “The casting was not intentional...” leads me to believe that the director didn’t set out to have an all out-gay-cast, but rather, each actor brought great performances to their auditions and were considered by the director to be perfect for the roles. These actors also just happened to be gay.

If you’re still here after all of that, let me take a moment to sincerely thank you for reading the whole thing! I know it’s a lot, but I’m very passionate about acting and giving each and every actor a fair chance. Let me know what you think, and please be respectful!

[newhologram]

I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

[adultingautistic]

Hi! I was wondering if you could help me with something. I have social "rules" that I set for myself to help me in social situations, and I feel really weird about breaking those rules. Sometimes it's easier for sensory input to break them though, and do things like wear sunglasses inside or have headphones on around people. How can I make myself feel better about breaking these rules to minimize sensory input?

Oh, I know exactly where this is coming from.  As autistics, we have a very complicated relationship with rules.  One reason for this is that “the rules” are taught to us very fiercely, sometimes cruelly.  We start off not knowing what the social rules are, and sometimes this gets us made fun of, admonished, and punished because we got the social rules wrong.  Then we work very, very, very hard to learn what the social rules are, and then we work very hard to follow them exactly, so that we do not get made fun of or punished again.

I do not know if this is the reason you’re following social rules so tightly, but my guess is, it plays a part.  You were obviously born not following these rules, 2-year-old you didn’t know anything about not wearing sunglasses indoors.  At some point, this rule was taught to you, and I’m guessing it was a harsh lesson, if you are so afraid now to break the rule.

So I would look at why you feel so uncomfortable breaking the rule.  Perhaps you are still being treated unkindly when you break it, and that is why you don’t want to.  Even if someone just makes a snide comment about you wearing sunglasses indoors, this can be enough to make you say “Forget it, I’ll just suffer with seeing rather than have remarks made at me.”  As would anyone.  No one wants to be told ‘you’re doing it wrong’.  It hurts!

So how to overcome this?  First you have to look at why you, specifically, feel so strongly about these rules.  Analyze what bad things you feel will happen if you break them.  Maybe you are afraid of being made fun of.  Maybe you’re afraid of being looked at funny.  Maybe you’re not even sure.

But what I can tell you is that if you are suffering, then the rule is wrong.  Why? Because suffering is wrong.  It’s that simple.  If a rule makes you suffer, then the rule is wrong, because no one should suffer.  It is always right to break the rules if breaking the rules will stop suffering.

To see this, let’s look at an extreme example.  During school, the rule is “no talking during a test”.  This rule has a reason, and it’s a good one!  Talking during the test can distract other students from concentrating.  Or it could be an attempt at cheating.  So no talking during tests is a good rule!

But what if I suddenly smell burning and see flames coming out of the electrical socket on the wall?  I want to warn people that there’s a fire, but I can’t warn anyone, because the rule is no talking during the test!

In this example, it is easy to see that the rule should be broken, because a person’s safety and health are more important than this rule.  In this case, the rule is wrong, and breaking it is right.  Talking during the test in this circumstance is the right thing to do, and everyone would agree.

So let’s go back to your rule of “no headphones in front of people”.  Why is this rule there?  Just like the no talking rule, it’s a good rule!  When you are in a social setting, and talking to other people, those people want to be heard if they speak, just like anyone would!  And if people want to be heard when they speak, then other people can’t be wearing headphones around them, that would be disrespectful.  

But what if not wearing headphones causes you to suffer?  Are other people’s need to be heard a greater need than your need to not be suffering?  No.  No, it isn’t.  Suffering is the greater need in this situation.  People who want to speak to you and be heard will not suffer if you are not able to hear them because your headphones are on.  They will only be inconvenienced.  So it’s a matter of which thing is more important- the thing the rule is protecting, or the thing that breaking the rule protects.

This is how you tell when it’s right to break a social rule.  You weigh the consequences of following the rule vs. breaking it, and see which side has more importance.  If breaking a rule will not cause others to suffer, then you should break it to protect your own self from suffering.

The hard part for autistics is that we often are not believed by others that we are truly suffering.  But other autistics know.  I know.  I know how very, incredibly painful bad sounds are.  And I am telling you that you absolutely have the right to protect yourself from that, because everyone has the right to protect themselves from that kind of pain.  So this is why it’s okay to break the rule, and why it’s right to break the rule, because you are doing it to take care of yourself, and you deserve to be free of suffering and pain.

[khangowrites]

Is it a Complaint Essay or is the Workplace Unsuitable?

Ah, what am I writing today? Oh, well I suppose it’s almost 12am. Seems like a good a time as any. I wanted to just jot down a few re-occurring experiences I’ve had in the workplace and sometimes in other social spaces, and attempt to analyze them.

CW: mild mentions of abuse and bodily ailments.

A bit of forward: I tend to mask myself heavily whenever I am in any social situation; whether it be at work, at home, with friends or online (although I’m getting better at being myself on Discord at least. I owe a lot to my friends who accept me and whom I care so much about.) What this means is I often plan out what I’m needed to say in advance of a situation. I have an arsenal of about 5 minutes of small talk before I tank and several small greetings/placations I can cycle through on any given day if I’m not overloaded. I also limit my natural inclination to movement.

It’s called unprofessional/unsightly to sit with your legs folded under you, or to sway and shake your arms and legs back and forth in time to music in your head. But it’s okay if you tap your pencil. Everyone does that.

I have to wonder how noticeable my ‘masked’ self is. How real or fake it appears.

There have been a few trends I’ve seen with the way people treat me as an employee in the time I’ve been in the workforce. For clarity, I am a 23 year old 5’1” AFAB person with a face that looks like it stopped aging when I was 12. I’m non-binary, but I’ve seen that many have a hard time using a different pronoun for me because I look ‘so feminine’. I had one old man repeatedly tell me that my body was too pretty and that I shouldn’t hide it and ‘pretend’ to be something else. I was and still am quite unsettled and disgusted by that comment.

I haven’t used my full preferred pronouns at work simply based in fear of being fired or discriminated against further. Same thing at home- I haven’t told all my family out of fear. I may look back on this at some future date where I fully respect myself and I’m confident. I look forward to that day.

Oh, and I’m autistic.

Perhaps it is one of these things or all of them that cause people to treat me certain ways. I’d like to find out.

I worked outdoors at an Orchard for a season. They called me Cinderella because of the way I looked when I cleaned. They gave employees gloves and heaters. Only not me. When I asked, I was given a broken one and told to fix it. A coworker who had intellectual disabilities and poor eyesight was not offered a heater at all. I did not renew for the next season. Kim and I stayed in touch though.

I worked next at a gift shop at a historical site. I loved the history and the old buildings, but the cashier work was admittedly difficult. Most of the employees were kind, retired old ladies who treated me gently, like a child. Sometimes too much like a child. The assistant manager seemed wary of me, and she often avoided me. I don’t know why. I’m not good with eye contact, and I always fear that people will mistake my zoning out as being creepy or disrespectful; maybe it was that. She never brought her kids with her on days I worked.

The head manager was courteous, but always called me Special. We had an older man work in the last 2 years I was there who had a strong inclination to associate with the children at the shop, and in turn, me as well. He would always want a hug or pat me on the back, but ignored the other workers. I told the managers my uncomfortable feelings about him, but it went mostly unnoticed.

When it was found that I was decent with computers, I was tasked with entering jewelry into the system and creating labels with number associations. I enjoyed it, and they promised me a decent raise. My pay was raised a dollar several weeks later, and I found myself being tasked with more and more computer work, to the point of becoming an office manager myself, earning a grand total of 9 dollars an hour while my counterpart who started a year earlier owned a home on the same work.

I left that job after 4 years to be the music director at a local church. I love music and was excited. Maybe too excited. I developed acid re-flux and was hospitalized the week before my start day due to a panic attack. I realize now it was from stress. I also had an ovarian cyst removed a year later- it took up my entire pelvis and its formation was also attributed to stress. I’ve since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, and I continue to have ever changing digestive issues, muscle problems and panic attacks.

After realizing I was autistic and also non-binary, so much of the stress of life started to make sense. The past few months I have been making life changes, and working towards finding a workplace that is accommodating and safe for me. My stress has lessened.

I worked at the church for 2 years. My last day is actually at the end of this month. As is the trend, I was not treated with respect when it came to my job. My pastor started choosing the hymns over me, and would make comments about me during services. His favorite was to say that my music made him fall asleep, and wait for laughter from the congregation. He had no musical knowledge, and forced me to play every song as fast as I possibly could. He didn’t believe I could do my job. Any attempts at mutual work failed to manifest. I unfortunately was groomed by a member of the hiring committee there as well, a type of abuse I didn’t even realize I had fallen into until several months after it was too late.

I currently work at a high school as a choir accompanist. I use she/they pronouns there, but no one uses they and I’m too worried to be fully they like I am outside of work. I am wary of soiling my relationship with the director further. She’s quite religious in the ‘gays don’t have rights’ way, so I have my fears.

The director is kind, but sees me as this innocent child that happens to have natural piano abilities, and the mutual respect that I’ve come to dream of just isn’t there again.

The director has the key to the doors and lets students in without fail, but conveniently forgets to let me in almost every day. At one time, I was in physical therapy and had a hard time standing and walking for any period of time. I almost went home because she didn’t answer any communication, class started 20 minutes previously, and it was 90 degrees outside and I needed to sit down because my legs were cramping. She plans the music weeks in advance, but doesn’t give them to me until the day the students get it, despite my repeated asking for time to prepare.

One day I was on zoom and she and the student teacher greeted me and then ignored my presence and played the piano herself for class. She struggled with the parts and commented to the choir that, “wow, Ms. Khango is actually pretty dang good at this- that little girl can play!”, but didn’t listen to me when I offered to play. I left the zoom after an hour.

The online students seemed to share my surprise at least, and I am grateful to them. They kept me grounded and reminded me that I matter and should have the same respect as everyone else in the room, zoom or not. They talk to me about not being heard and their chats not being read during class. It bothered me, too. The next week I brought it up to her in the form of making sure the zoom students were heard and she quickly dismissed it, like it was a puff of smoke. The students online now ask me questions directly and I relay them. It’s met with annoyance by the director.

They have voices too.

One of the scariest moments of my life was last week- I wore my ‘disability rights are human rights’ shirt to school. (Okay, maybe not scary to some, but it very much was for me.) After class, one of the students came to me and asked if I could help him find a way for his grandfather to get a seat at the concert, as he was disabled and he didn’t know how to proceed.

It filled me with joy to help him, and it filled me with rage when the teachers asked if his grandpa could just get out of the wheelchair instead.

My overall conclusion to all of these things is that people simply don’t understand, or don’t want to because it makes their lives harder.

Is discrimination and ignorance really easier than respecting people?

I’m not sure if this is all just one big complaint essay. I guess it is. What I needed to do was write it all out. All the things that make me uneasy or feel like lesser of a person. And I wanted to know why.

I note that at every job I am perceived as a child, or as someone naïve. I am not treated the same as another adult employee. I was ostracized for my way of moving and talking. Taken advantage of. My needs were not accommodated.

Even now, I feel guilt for writing this, like I’m just playing the victim for attention or something.

I want to be strong enough to stand up to it and ask to be treated with respect and have it follow through.

I want to unmask myself more and let myself move and talk naturally, and use my real pronouns.

My respect for myself and for others must become a powerful force.

My friends on discord- my real, genuine friends, have become monumental in my life. Most of my life I did not have true friends. Without them and their unconditional love and support, I would not be where I am right now. We are all equals. I want to embody that strong respect and bring it to others.

It’s getting late. 1 a.m. now. Well, I have tomorrow. Plenty of time for Star Trek.

[ratsoh-writes]

Hihi, this is for the matchups :^D This is my first time ever asking for a matchup, so hopefully this is enough! Sorry for the huge wall of text sfsgfjgjdhs

Personality: I can be quiet and relatively laid back, and I tend to just go with the flow of things. I basically have NPC energy, so I normally won't talk unless addressed first. I'm very goofy when I'm comfortable with someone, and I'm a sucker for puns, memes and generally stupid humor. I can also get loud when I'm excited, but again, only around people I'm comfortable with. I'm kind and considerate of others, and am accepting of all sorts of weird stuff so long as it isn't hurting anyone, I don't judge! I can be really awkward, and sometimes I blurt out garbled nonsense that even I don't understand. I stutter a lot, and I normally need to take time to gather my thoughts so I don't embarrass myself lol

Strengths: I've been told I'm a good listener and that I'm good at comforting people. I'm very patient, too. I tend to stay neutral with things until I hear every perspective, and I'm a bit of a mediator.

Weaknesses: Anxiety and paranoia are a big problem due to some past experiences, so I have trouble going out into public alone. I read tones a lot, so hearing any noticeable shifts towards anger makes me nervous. I get overwhelmed easily, and I don't do well with yelling, either. I'm kinda self conscious about my appearance. I can be forgetful sometimes, too.

Pet Peeves: I absolutely hate it when people bully others for things they can't control. Cringe culture makes me very upset, and I despise when people make others feel bad for harmless things that make them happy. Arrogance and impatience annoy me to no end.

Odd Habits: I'm autistic and have trouble sitting still, so I fidget a lot. Sometimes I just zone out and start walking in big circles while staring into nothing. I flap my hands/arms a lot (though im kinda lowkey about it bc I get self conscious :^[ ) I just stim a bunch lol

Hobbies: drawing, playing video games (mostly rhythm games but I also play other things), listening to music, singing and watching anime/YouTube! I like to listen to podcasts about various topics, too :^]

No-Nos: Being distrusting, disrespecting boundaries and refusing to communicate are big ones. I also will not do well with someone who explodes easily or is loud when angry.

Oh, and one last thing- I'm a sucker for affection, so having someone whose a big cuddler is a must!

I had two guys who were absolutely perfect. The winner winner chicken dinner was RUST (horrorfell sans)!

Rust is very laid back and is one of the biggest teddy bears out there! You’ll get your cuddle fix with him.

He’s also fairly quiet. Ok thats a lie. He’s extremely quiet and even though he’s capable of speech again after his jaw surgery, rust still prefers typing out or signing his responses. When he does speak, its always in low and soft tones. He never yells anymore. So any SO who gets scared by yelling and loud noises should like him. 

Rust is also anxious himself and prefers having a companion when he goes out. He’d never be bothered if you always want him coming with you

dating rust includes:

I said this in another matchup already, but I can say it again. Rust has a lot of potential to become a serious anime nerd. Just give him the right push, and he’ll obsess over all your shows with you.

Rust still has his grumpy old man moments like all the fells, but he’s much more patient than his underfell counterpart. Also working with children has done wonders for getting him to tame his fiery temper. Rust is a skilled comforter and is good at catching you when you’re feeling overwhelmed

he has a big appreciation for art due to his brother noir. Rust would love it if you let him watch you draw!

[ingravinoveritas]

I happen to be in the Twitter fan community and I love the people there so much 💕 but there's sometimes when they go too far.. Like the sexualizing. It's kinda clear Micheal SEES what we're up to and what we post. But he has been rather quiet lately.. ever since the pricklyjen situation. With nothing too focus on, the jokes are going a little too far and it's really uncomfortable how the twitter community justifies the sexualizing of him recently.. (boredom and lust) what do YOU think?

Oh, Anon. I’m not sure what made you ask me this, but I do have many thoughts about the situation, and I’m going to do my very best to answer.

First let me say that I’m so glad you’ve found a community of fans that means so much to you! I know what it’s like to become a fan of someone or something and find that little group of people you just connect and bond with in a way you never expected. I myself am peripherally aware of the Twitter fan community, insofar as I know of it, but I am not part of it, as I’m far more active here on Tumblr instead.

I do know the current situation to which you are referring, however, and I’ve seen some of the posts and comments that have been made. I actually went through a situation recently that I think speaks to some of what is happening, so I’d like to share that now.

A few days ago, I did a second episode of a livestream that I’ve started since quarantine began, to continue the work that I had been doing pre-quarantine, which is educating people about autism and sexuality. Afterward, I received a DM on Instagram from a man claiming to be autistic. He wanted to ask a question about sexuality, and of course, I said yes. At 8:30am the next morning, this man attempted to video call me no less than ten times. These calls were accompanied by sexually explicit DMs from him, which only became more inappropriate, and I finally ended up blocking him.

I am fully willing to acknowledge that I put myself out there, as a (somewhat) public figure, talking about sex and relationships, and I accept responsibility for what comes with that. But even though I made myself available, I do have boundaries, and I did not deserve to have those boundaries so egregiously violated. Just because someone is accessible, it does not mean you have the right to harass them.

Let me say that again: Just because someone is accessible, it does not mean you have the right to harass them.

We tend to have a narrow view of what “harassment” is, or think that it’s just saying mean or disrespectful things. But to me, harassment is about what it does to the person receiving it, and the way it makes them feel. What upset and scared me most about the man on Instagram wasn’t the messages, but the phone calls. What upset me was him deciding that he wanted my attention, that I owed him attention, and that he was willing to go to any ends to get my attention, completely disregarding my feelings and the increasing anxiety that I felt when my phone kept ringing...again and again and again. 

What upset me was feeling like I couldn’t escape. There are things that Michael has made public, and to which he has brought deliberate attention and is clearly comfortable talking about: His work as an actor, his kindness and dedication as a social activist, and his unending thirst for David Tennant--all of which are pretty much the exact reasons I’m following him on Twitter. But what about the things Michael hasn’t made public? The things he doesn’t talk about? His personal life. His body, except to make self-deprecating jabs about his own appearance. Yet these are two topics on which the Twitter fans seem to comment most, and in incredibly lurid detail.

What started off as fans sexualizing him has gone beyond that to something else: Objectifying. Reducing Michael to parts of his body (and in strangely demeaning terms, like “tiddies”), and the attraction that they have to him. “Well, how could he have a problem with it? We’re just showing him how much we love him! We’re saying NICE things!“ I can hear fans incredulously asking. But being nice is not the same thing as being respectful. If Michael is tagged in posts or comments are made purposely to be seen by him or his phone is ringing with notifications from fans who “love” him again and again and again...then he can’t escape it, either.

I wonder how that makes him feel. I know how it made me feel.

The situation with Michael is obviously not entirely equivalent to my own. I do not think anyone intends to harass him. But I believe some fans have gotten to the point where the focus has stopped being on Michael. Where it’s not about him anymore, but who they think he is, and what he makes them feel. I know how easy it is to think that this is what he wants, that because he’s feral and unpredictable and flirty, that it’s okay. But even if the comments fans are making are “positive,” they are still unsolicited. I never said or did a single thing to indicate that I wanted to be subjected to the comments I received...and I don’t think Michael has either, despite what some fans might believe. Again, I’m by no means against lusting after Michael--god knows I’ve done it plenty on this blog--or expressing that lust in a healthy way. We know that Michael lurks, and if he wants to find fics written about him or art or memes, he absolutely will. But that doesn’t make it okay to force it on him, or to demand his attention when he has made it clear (in so many or so few words) that there is a line, and it’s not okay to cross it. Though if he continues to be as quiet as he has been, then maybe--just maybe--someone already has. So those are my thoughts on the situation, Anon. I hope this has been helpful to you and anyone else who’s been dealing with what is happening in the Twittersphere. Sending lots of love and good vibes to you, Michael, and all the fans out there. Thank you for writing in!

[thaliatimsh]

So I saw your meme about the eucharist monologue, which I loved, but the possibility of George Hodgson being autistic has lived in my head rent free ever since I saw it. It fits his behaviors so well, and to this date has been one of the most galaxy brain takes I have ever seen. I was wondering, if you don't mind of course, explaining your take on it some. I would really appreciate it!

of course! I have to say it is.... mostly just a gut instinct based on my own experiences as an autistic person with variously autistic family members (but all falling under the bracket in ASD that used to be called Asperger’s so my view is coloured by that.) and... UH, I just... feel like I recognise.

(opens UnfinishedHodgsonEssayThree.doc)

okay I am once again REALLY BAD at explaining myself, but I guess what I mean is that I can see where every mental leap Hodgson makes comes from - that he is, at his core, a man who is extroverted and friendly, wants more to be *liked* than admired - but for whom social skills don’t come naturally, and other outcomes aren’t imagined.

We catch him time and again exposition/info dumping -

+’the xing mission came aboard’ from the alternate wardroom cut - an event he was PRESENT FOR but still tells like a rote fact

+’they say she talked up a storm until her father died’

+’the word diet -’

+intro to the Comanches Bit= ‘my mother’s cousin had a relation who married Texas man, moved to a territory town there called Victoria in ‘38′... ALL OF THIS UNNECESSARY PREAMBLE

making poorly-timed/not relateable/barely-relevant/professionally inappropriate jokes

+’now she’s ~~all silence~~” @ random AB

+’they must we waltzing with that bear after all’ re: a crisis

+’[frostbite is worse because] I play the clavier back home’ @ random Marine/ship’s boy/AB re: ‘sir there is a monster out here’

+’hear hear’ about the pudding that used up their fruit

+’when the ship sets sail, make sure you’re aboard’ @ a rando caulker’s mate

+’would that be rocks here, then?’ re: caribou tastes of what it eats

+’[the beard] can’t hurt where we’re going’ @ rando caulker’s mate (??) who’s just shown aSTONISHING disrespect

+’dis-moi ce que tu manges’ @ rando NOT-caulker’s mate-turned-Godkin re: man-eating monster

PLUS a few barely-relevant personal anecdotes told more to himself than anyone else (Comanches bit/American Ham/Eucharist Monologue) - and yeah, Ep8 and The Comanches Bit in particular are what cements my opinion, which, I mean, from the top:

Little & Hodgson charge into the tent and give this absolutely confident rundown of what happened, and then we watch the surety in Hodgson’s entire bearing leave as crozier, fitzjames & blanky take him off-script. He'd known what he was doing, because he'd taken the situation at face value -

'those dastardly natives committed unspeakable acts on lt irving and mr farr! I know so because mr hickey saw it! we retaliated!'

and crozier & fitzjames would finally go 'well done george, quick thinking.'

but they don't! There are other questions! questions he's not prepared for - questions that take processing time, questions he doesn't even seem to understand why they're being asked - he hadn't previously asked them because Mr Hickey Saw Dastardly Natives Cut Lt Irving's Cock And Balls Off - when Crozier says 'I want to see the bodies' and leaves Hodgson behind in the tent, he looks utterly baffled. He's missed something, clearly, but he has no clue what it is.

We know what he's asking Little, and we know it's unfair to even pose the question to another officer - I'm getting the sinking feeling that I've fucked up - did I do the right thing? would YOU have done what I did?

and he'd take ANY ANSWER to ANY of those questions, - you've done something terrible, you're going to hell - you were right, those dastardly natives had it coming - I don't know, but I'd probably have done the same thing - but instead gets Edward Little 'If that's what you thought at the time, then that's what you thought!' it's fucking MEANINGLESS and VAGUE, Edward, listen, do you even understand why I thought what I thought? I know all about Dastardly Natives, they'll kill women and children and they'll kill us too, do you understand, do you understand, are you understanding -

And then he understands, from one bit of seal meat, barely digested - you can almost see it happen in his mind’s eye, moving the little markers of the characters around, slotting the real story back together - he must have been alone with Mr Farr - but no-one’s interested in that. all they want to know is if he’ll confirm it, and of course he will. it’s the truth.

I know it’s very funny to say Hodgson’s bad at his job but until that entire debacle... he really wasn’t. Yes, he let EC in, but the fact that he had even the SLIGHTEST inkling that EC and Hickey weren’t the same, after a single meeting of a few minutes with the first, during which time he spent most of his time writing, a month apart from the previous - I???? All that scene does is show that Hodgson has a near-preternatural memory for faces (he greets Morfin by name before getting his papers) and a non-confrontational manner.

I’ve written at length about how I think Hodgson models the social standings between the men as something like school; Crozier’s Headmaster, and Fitzjames is his teacher, and Edward’s Head Boy, and he is a prefect who is going to keep the separation between student body and staff quiet. He isn’t a Captain - he’s a Lieutenant, a prefect, a fellow student who thinks he’s better than a fellow student because the Headmaster gave him power, and when he ends up with the Rowdy Boys Mutiny Crew there’s this explicit Othering that’s... let’s be real, fully schoolyard Weird-Kid Bullying - you sit on a barrel, you get a nice china plate, you get threatened by Des Voeux because Goodsir won’t cut up the dead guy -

I don’t know. I’m totally aware that this whole thing might sound insane and the problem with Readings of Media is that they're subjective... BUT

The show was careful about how it used the names (& therefore lasting immortal images) of the men on the ship’s roster - they were real people, with loved ones and lives, and they were victims of a disaster. The entire message of the show is that W. H. Auden line: We Must Love Each Other And Die. The only character who did Unforgivably Bad Things was swapped out for an OC out of respect for that, so building some bizarro conspiracy of Personal Evil around a character who seems to just be doing their best, though weirdly - is just plain rude, and insulting to the writing, frankly.

SO, as with every character in this show, it behooves you to give the benefit of the doubt - and the benefit of the doubt leads me to “Hodgson is autistic”