#first i get endo and surgery for it

[keelin-it]

Very cool and fun that I may or may not have a brain tumor according to my doctor

[doperel]

ventie in tags

[hiddenbysuccubi]

I'm going to eternally hate myself for the way I met Billie Piper but I do miss Rose Tyler on my screen and the newest Doctor Who clip indicates that Donna Noble had a daughter and named her Rose. I'm gonna scream.

[passiveaggressiveturkeys]

You know it’s kinda batshit crazy that a debilitating condition that effects 1/10 who are AFAB is not only incredibly underfunded with no new treatments in 40 years and none of the existing treatments even being that effective but also pretty much everybody reporting symptoms have been brushed off by their doctor at some point or other leading to at best patients questioning their symptoms and at worst the disease being allowed to run rampant and causing dangerous health complications

That is 5% of the population, including children and elderly. Endo has been found in foetuses and symptoms can sometimes last past menopause

5% of the population, 400 million people alive today who are either currently being effected, have had their lives massively impacted, or are still oblivious to the disease slowly developing inside of them that will likely one day change their lives in ways that can never be come back from

These are often people who can’t work, can’t have children, many can’t even leave their house

How the hell is this not considered a bigger issue?

[mejomonster]

I really really hope whatevers wrong with Me is endometriosis or SOMETHING my doctors can pinpoint to treat effectively within the next month. I'm begging. Universe u do this for me and I'll hike again, write again, draw characters again, get to visit friends again. Please please please

[cardioasscular]

guess who has a brain tumor lmfao

[sweaterkittensahoy]

My chronic pain disabilities (hip fuckery; migraines) do not stop me from working. It doesn't mean I should treat my disabilities with less respect than disabilities that DO make it impossible to work.

When my endo pain was at its worse, I did all the things I was supposed to do--according to HR--to protect my job. I filed ADA paperwork. I communicated when I used it. I had the doctor's note. Etc.

Two days before my hysterectomy, I got a call from HR. "Oh, we're not sure we'll have work for you after you recover."

Which, first of all, is fucking illegal to say to someone who has ADA paperwork in place with you.

And, second of all, you're a fucking liar. I was the ONLY tech writer in a company of 500 people. Don't bullshit me.

I should have filed a complaint and sued the fuck out of them, but all I wanted to do was be able to possibly get out of pain and not have to worry about my paycheck after that. So, I called someone else in the company who I knew would lose his shit if I told him I'd basically just been told I had no work to do.

Two days after surgery, I had an email from HR to my personal account. Which, technically, they ALSO should not have used to contact me while on medical leave that was--like my disability paperwork--100% lined up and signed off on.

But the HR person wanted me to know that "Oh, looks like there IS work for you! Lol! Didn't know!"

This is bullshit. She was very aware.

Years later, I'm at a much better company. My supervisor, who is nothing but supportive, recently floated that it might be good to have ADA paperwork in place for my migraines because they flare during stress, which is the time I'm needed at work THE MOST.

No shit: I went into hard shutdown for about two minutes after he said it. It wasn't a threat or a dismissal of my migraines. It was him going, "Oh, hey, so no one can ever try to use them against you to say you're bad with stress, you might do this."

But all I felt was how I was absolutely fucked over by a bad company because they said, "You need to follow these legal steps," and I did, and they still tried to get around them.

So, no, I'm not dealing with getting punished if I have more than 2k in my bank account. I'm not dealing with people touching me, or my assistive devices (I don't currently use any). I can park anywhere in a lot and walk to the store entrance. But I was disabled, and I AM disabled, and I have had people try to punish me for existing in a body that just fucking HURTS because it HURTS.

It's Disability Awareness Month. I am disabled. Less so than I was ten years ago, which is a fucking stroke of luck. But also my right hip has started to go now, and who knows what the next 10 years will bring.

It's Disability Awareness Month. If someone says, "I'm disabled, and I want to talk about my experience," please pay attention and listen and learn and understand there's all sorts of ways disabled people are fighting to be treated with basic human dignity and under the basic rule of law.

[formulapai]

LIVING WITH ENDO (AND OSCAR)

an Oscar Piastri fluff/angst scenario

scenario: what it’s like living with endometriosis, with your boyfriend’s support. (might do a second part.)

warning: mention of surgeries, blood, vomit, eating disorders, depression, bruises.

pai’s words: THIS IS BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE!! as much as endo is the same for anyone suffering with it, the impact it has on the body and mind, the pain, the treatments, and a lot of it is purely personal !! as someone who has been living with it for more than ten years and has tried everything the French Healthcare has to offer, even going into alternative medicine and such, this is my experience that I’m writing and it can be a little different than some people.

to anyone having questions about it, having doubts or just curious, my dms and requests are always open, I’ll be honored to make this illness a little more known. :)

to anyone fighting against it everyday, I’m so sorry. you’re not alone, i 100% stand with you as a fellow endowarrior (this term is always making me wheeze but I love it!!). we’ll get through this eventually !

THE NIGHT

You’re laying awake on your shared bed, not even able to move an inch because of the sharp flash of pain coming and going, not letting you take a real breathe as the movement of your diaphragm creates waves after waves of pain. Despite your pain medication, it’s a common occurrence and you’ve yet to find a solution to it, just waiting for it to pass, tear-stained face staring at the ceiling in a silent prayer that you’ll be soon free of it all.

You feel Oscar move next to you, his calm breathing picking up as he slowly wakes up, first grumbling about the early hours but then noticing your state. He doesn’t know what you need, doesn’t dare to place his hand in your lower belly to try and massage the pain away. It’s an “all or nothing” situation as his body warmth and his soft touch can either calm you and your body down or create another episode of agony, and not even you can predict it. He knows you’re aware he’s up, your face completely still as to not stress your body even more, and he press closer to you, close enough to comfort you as much as he can, far away enough to not touch you.

He can see your diaphragm broaden its movement slowly, your breathing finally beginning to get deeper as you feel the episode fade away lazily, not at all in a hurry to leave you alone. Even from under your sleep shirt, he sees your muscles flexing and relaxing as waves of pain appear, your body reacting naturally despite your tries to stop it, the flexing of your abdominal muscles making it worse. It’s a normal response, really, just like your arm will flinch automatically when you hurt it, a mean to get away from whatever hurt you. But when the only thing hurting you is your own body, it doesn’t work.

It takes a few more minutes until you take your boyfriend’s hand, guiding it to your lower belly and letting it stay here, feeling it starting to massage your body as soon as it touches it. It’s not miraculous, the pain still present, but it helps both mentally and physically as your shoulders relax ever so slightly. You always complain about him being way too warm on a regular basis, but how happy you are for his warmth right now. With your lover pressed to you, his soft praises in your ears and your body finally letting you rest, you fall into a deep slumber, thanking whoever has put Oscar in your life.

THE DAY

It started great, you woke up early and in pretty much no pain, motivated enough to make breakfast as the Australian sleeps soundly in the bed. You should’ve seen it coming when waves of nausea were starting to make themselves known the more you cooked, preparing your favorite French food, some Pain Perdu. It’s really not in Oscar’s food plan and his trainer will hate you for it, but you certainly don’t care.

It doesn’t come as a surprise when you finally throw up, your whole body spasming as it tries to get whatever was the problem out of it. It’s mostly bile as you haven’t had the chance to eat yet, the liquid burning your throat as it comes up, sweat marring your forehead at the sheer effort of standing despite your muscles begging for a rest. It hasn’t happened in a few days and you were enjoying it, able to eat and drink whatever you wanted without being overly stressed about how your body would react. Guess the fun is now over.

The doctor told you that it’s quite normal to have GI issues when you have endometriosis, even when it’s not commonly talked about. But, like every other symptoms, no real remedy exists apart from antiemetic medicine but you’ve found out quite early that it doesn’t really make it better so you’ve decided to not take it anymore, opting to just wait and deal with it. Oscar didn’t know about all this when you two started talking, barely knowing endometriosis and just thinking it was bad period pain. It always comes as a shock when he sees how much deeper it runs, how hard it makes your daily life.

This nausea thing made you develop an eating disorder, or so your therapist is saying. As you’re scared of vomiting, you try to escape food as much as possible, waiting for your body to feel better so you can eat in large quantities to make up for the lack of food. Your boyfriend knows it, your friends too, truly everyone sees how you avoid food like it’s the plague, but no one can say anything against it, knowing the reason behind it and having no solution. It’s hard, it’s painful, for both you and them, as you’d rather not do this to yourself, but it’s the only way you can live a somewhat normal life regarding this issue.

As you feel better, mere minutes later, you wash yourself before continuing breakfast, knowing well it’s now only for Oscar and not for you. You settle for hot hibiscus tea, crossing out coffee for today as it fuels the inflammation caused by your illness, something you really don’t need at the moment. Your collection of tea is impressive, your close ones all searching which tea is good and which tea is bad for you, gifting it every occasion they get, hibiscus and Nettle being your favorite ones as you feel their effects on your body.

THE STAINS

Ever since your surgeries and thanks to your special birth control, you’re not supposed to have periods anymore. Sadly, it still happens like your doctors told you it could, just not as regularly and serious as before. Your hemorrhagic periods, lasting without ever being stopped as your cycle was pretty much nonexistent, is replaced by a blood flow still heavy but not as much, making itself known only a few days a month. It still comes with all the complications of it, the searing pain making you pass out, the muscle aches, the nausea and diarrhea. You can’t complain, you’ve lived way worse.

Of course, it decided to happen today out of all day, as you’re standing in the McLaren garage, watching your boyfriend overtake another one of his colleague and securing P3. It’s probably the stress of it all, strong emotions tend to trigger episodes and you curse them as you feel the change in both your body and mind, your periods always hitting you bad mentally. You quickly excuse yourself to Oscar’s driver’s room, abandoning the race watching right in the middle of it, knowing that he’ll understand but still feeling bummed out. Apart from the obvious toll on your body, the grasp it has on your mental state is insane, leaving you battling with depression, something you’ve learned is one of the most common outcome with endo.

You take your time changing clothes, cleaning yourself in the toilets and putting a pad you’ve thankfully put in you bag before going, knowing you’ll have to change it in less than an hour with how heavy your flow can be. You slowly make your way to the massage table, laying on it as you pray it’s only going to be blood and not everything usually accompanying it, especially not the pain. It’s a vicious circle, you know it well, as you’re scared of the pain so you become tense, so tense that it creates pain, the condition feeding off of your stress and the movement of your muscles, most importantly your abdominal ones. So you try to distract yourself, you go on social medias, you read online, you watch videos. You busy yourself until you realize you really need to change your pad, scurrying towards Oscar’s bag and hoping he has some as he usually does when you two go out, always so thoughtful.

People are cheering outside, the race probably ending in a positive way and your heart swell at the sheer joy emanating from the garage. Still, you don’t seem to find anything in the bag, your hands shaking as small sniffles echo in the room, feeling absolutely stupid for not predicting your period. You can’t even hear the door opening behind you, feet stilling for a few seconds before they make their way to you, arms wrapped around your shoulders.

“- Hey, what’s wrong darling?

- I’m dumb, that’s what’s wrong.

- What happened ?

- I’m having my period and I didn’t even bring anything and now I’m going to bleed out everywhere and ruin my clothes.”

Oscar presses a kiss to your head and gets up, walking towards a drawer and taking out some pads, bringing them to you. You stare at him, as you accept them, still sniffling as you let yourself fall into his arms, thanking him quietly. You don’t know where you’ll be without him, probably bleeding out everywhere like you just said.

“- You’re not dumb, it happens to forget things. And you have me, right ? You know I always bring way too much of these with us.

- I know, thank you. Really, thank you Oscar.

- It’s alright, dearest. Go get changed, I have to get back there but I’ll be quick, I promise. We’ll go back to the hotel after that.”

You nod, pressing sweet kisses to his neck where you face is buried before letting him go, thanking him once again.

THE SURGERY

After yet another scan, you’re finally allowed the surgery, a long and draining battle you’ve won. Endometriosis is still not taken seriously by most of the doctors you’ve met, mostly overlooked as pain every person with an uterus has to live with and nothing more, so it’s a relief when you meet a specialist willing to help you. It’s a simple surgery, called laparoscopy, leaving only a few incision scares on your abdomen and promising an almost pain-free life, or well, years. It’s rare that only one surgery is enough to annihilate the problem in its all, it happens, thankfully, but it’s still quite uncommon or so the surgeon said. It’s pretty logical, as the tissues will appear again eventually, growing back where they’re not supposed to, creating new inflammation nests.

It’s stressful, as every surgery is, but you like to think of it as a good stress, completely opposite to the fear Oscar is feeling as the hours tick by, getting you closer to the surgery. Theoretically, he knows it’s a safe surgery, a small one, one the surgeon has done many times. Still, the love of his life is going to be put under anesthesia and under a scalpel and he can’t help but feel terrified by it. It’s not going to be lengthy, less than two hours, which is not that long for this kind of surgery, but he already knows he’s going to bite his fingernails off while waiting.

He’s updating your close friends and family members as the door opens, your bed being rolled inside the room as you slowly wake up, still loopy and giggly because of the anesthesia. The two nurses tell him that the surgeon will come later to check and talk with them, assuring Oscar that the surgery went very well before leaving the couple alone. You’re still quietly giggling to yourself, lifting your arms in front of your face and making random shapes with your hands, almost snatching the IV a few times so he interrupts you, sitting next to you and making sure your hands stay away from the crook of your elbow. You look at him with a wide, toothy smile and start to play with his hair, tugging at it as you try to give him some horns, the hair not sticking up no matter how much you try.

You spend the next hour drifting in and out of sleep, the anesthesia wearing off and pain slowly creeping in. The doctor makes his way in the room, giving you the ok to go home as long as you’re not alone, prescribing pain medication and planning a meeting with him a month from now. The two of you listen to his advices, Oscar noting everything he needs to buy such as ice packs, and you’re soon discharged, your boyfriend leading your wheelchair towards his car. He takes it back to the nurse when you’re settled in your car seat, thanking her for lending it even when it’s the official protocol. What can he say, he’s too polite.

The healing process is tiring but worth it, your belly adorned with scars and bruises slowly fading away, swollen and tender. You’re thankful for the break as Oscar is able to stay with you through it all, his family and yours visiting you and allowing you to have a pleasant distraction. Your close friends come too, deciding that a gossip session in the middle of the living room as you eat pasta is the only remedy you need, to Oscar’s despair. He likes them, he truly does, he doesn’t like to be chased from his own living room though. He snickers as he leaves the couch, leaving you with a lingering kiss before he goes in another room, logging in his computer. In the end, the healing process is fine, you were glad for anyone helping you through it, you were even more thankful for your boyfriend. And if you have to get a second, a third, even a fourth surgery, you’ll be ok as long as you have him.

[vympr]

HELP A TRANS WOC IN INDIA TRANSITION

@dalitqueerinframes:

Hello, I am Shailesh (Chosen name will be Shalini after surgery) My pronouns are She/They. I am a trans person living in male body and I want to transition to fit into my right female body.

When I was young, I used to ask my father if I can become a girl, and foolishly he would tell me, by morning I will change into a girl. Time and again I have waited for that moment to come, but it never arrived.

The process is not an easy one. My body, my lifestyle, my very day is going to change, and for that, I need your help.

I wish to undergo the transition process (I hope you have watched Chandigarh Kare Aashiqui?)

For that I need to first go through HRT treatment. Which will allow my body to change, get into shape of a body as female.

I am required to visit psychiatrist and do my MMPI and RDR test done for my GID (Gender Identity Dsyphoria certificate)

Once that is done, I will require to visit an endocrinologist to run my blood test and check the level of testosterones present in my body. Accordingly, as my result will come out, I will be prescribed Estrogen meds, preferably I choose to go with Estrogen cream.

My journey doesn't end here, rather it starts here, In every three months I will be required to do my kidney and liver functionality test.

My therapy will go on as it goes now, except that, I will be required to visit my psychiatrist and endo every month, or once in a while for my improvement.

With this, I need to get LASER HAIR REMOVLE treatment. I have scars on my face, hence, the money will go there to go through laser treatment to get rids of those scars.

I know if may feels I am talking too much things here, but please understand that to become something that I wish to be, comes with cost, and I am not someone who can afford it. Hence, I also want to bring your attention to my teeth structure. I want to go undergo braces treatment too. And I hope you all know what it costs are?!

Last, but not the least, the main thing- MY SURGERY. Once I complete my HRT treatment for at least a year, I will have to go through GENDER AFFIRMING SURGERY. There are different type of VAGINO PLASTY SURGERY and from them I wish to go through SIGMOID COLON VAGINO PLASTY surgery. It is costly and a invasive surgery.

It costs around between 4 to 5 lacs. And the best doctors are in Delhi I am told.

I stay in Mumbai, to visit Delhi, to go through the surgery process, to stay there and wait there to recover will cost money.

I hope you understand my feelings and I hope you come forward and help me with what you can afford. I hope you contribute what is possible for you, I hope you share my fundraiser.

Please can you be there for your another trans fellow?

Thanks!

Link to donate- https://milaap.org/fundraisers/support-shailesh-139/deeplink?deeplink_type=upi&utm_medium=whatsapp_status&utm_source=app

You do not have to be based in India to donate, and more than likely your donation will have a larger impact due to the conversion rate. Please donate if you can, and share the fundraiser if you cannot! @shareyourdollar @donations-mutualaid

[yrfemmehusband]

It's endometriosis awareness month! Here's some general knowledge on my condition, as misinformation is constantly spread about it.

Endometriosis is a disease affecting 1 in 10 people with uteruses. A tissue similar to the endometrial lining, of period blood, grows and sheds on the outside of the uterus. As the menstrual cycle comes, the blood has nowhere to go. This causes intense pain and irritation to surrounding organs. It is one of the most painful diseases recorded.

Endometriosis was first discovered in 1860, though it was recognized in the Hippocratic Corpus around 4,000 years ago. Treatments have varied through the years, starting out with bloodletting, leeches, hanging upside down, exorcisms, genital mutilation, and chemical douches. During the Middle ages, the perception of chronic pelvic pain shifted from a recognized condition to something caused by hysteria, promiscuity, or it was made up. In the hayday of Hippocratic practice, Endometriosis was more common than it is today, likely due to the inaccessibility of diagnosis compared to 4,000 years ago. Somehow.

Today, treatments include birth control, surgery, hysterectomy, and pain relief. There is no cure.

It takes an average of 7-12 years for someone to receive a diagnosis.

Anyone can get endometriosis, including cis men

A hysterectomy is not a cure, as endometriosis will continue to grow and spread to other organs

The pain one experiences due to endometriosis does not correlate with staging. Staging reveals how extensive endometriosis lesions are, not pain. Someone with stage 1 could experience excruciating pain, while someone with stage 4 and frozen pelvis can experience no pain.

Endometriosis lesions are not endometrial lining. The tissue is similar, but not the same. Thus, no one actually knows what endometriosis actually is.

It is only diagnosable through laparoscopic surgery. It can be detected via imaging such as ultrasound or MRI, but more often than not, it isn't seen. You can have completely clear tests up until your surgery and still have even the higher stages of Endo (like me!) (this one was for all you undiagnosed people, you're not crazy!)

Endometriosis is comorbid with many things, including pelvic floor dysfunction, adenomyosis, vulvodynia, uterine cancer and fibroids, ovarian cancer, many autoimmune and inflammatory conditions (rheumatoid arthritis, MS, IBD), and cardiovascular disease.

I've provided links in each point and I deeply encourage you to read my sources, whether you have endo or not. Not enough people understand endometriosis so a lot of us who deal with it don't get grace or compassion, be it in our work lives, relationships, friendships, or family. People with endo, happy endometriosis awareness month.

[avesblues2]

I had my second endometriosis surgery yesterday and I've been recovering today. I feel SO validated. I've had extremely debilitating periods since high school and in the last 5-6 years they have been extremely bad. I had my first endo surgery in February but it wasn't a success because I was severe stage four, he only got what he was skilled to get. My surgery yesterday was a success though, he said my prognosis was excellent. He is a world renowned endo specialist and him telling me the pain I experienced wasn't just me being dramatic or in my head is so validating. He also had to take out my appendix because it was covered in endo but good news, he was able to get all of it and remove the three cysts on my ovaries. I'll be on medication for 2 months but after that they seem very positive about us getting pregnant. I had the endo all over, my back, my bowel, my reproductive organs, even up into my ribcage and my appendix.

[yumeka-sxf]

A chronological analysis on Twilight and Yor - Part 13

*This is part of an ongoing post series. If you missed the Introduction/Part 1, click here*

----------

During the episode where Anya has to give a report on her parents' work, we learn more about Yor's job as an assassin, which sheds some insightful light on the theme of moral ambiguity in the series. During an interview for the Spy x Family fanbook, Endo states that the Forgers should not be seen as shining examples of moral virtue; he doesn't think it's correct to only see their "nice family" side. And he's right of course, as both Twilight and Yor have professions that revolve around immoral things, like deception and killing. But while Twilight doesn't see those he has to kill or manipulate as "bad guys" necessarily – they're either helpers or hindrances to his missions and that's it – Yor's view is much more black and white. In her mind, all of her targets are traitorous villains, and by killing them, she can take pride in knowing that she's helping her country, much like a soldier.

While she does try to maintain some humanity in her work, like being extremely careful not to kill the wrong person and making sure her targets die a painless death, it's clear that her view of being an assassin is more straightforward than Twilight's view of being a spy. We don't yet know exactly how Yor became an assassin, but we do know that she started as a child, so it makes sense that she'd be brainwashed into a naive interpretation of her job as simply "helping her country by getting rid of bad guys" (unlike Twilight, who was an adult when he became a spy). And, as I mentioned before, she likely had to forgo a proper education because of her work, and so missed out on many real-world experiences that would allow her to think more critically about the morality of her profession. From what we've seen of her work, eliminating the "bad guys" is technically what she's doing, but we also know that there may come a time when someone she's sent to assassinate is not the villainous scum that she's used to…someone like Twilight perhaps? Just as Twilight's worldview may shatter when he realizes he cares too much for Yor and Anya to continue to deceive them, Yor's childlike opinion of her job would certainly be crushed when she realizes she's being sent to kill people who are not always the "bad guys" that Shopkeeper tells her they are.

Anya eventually decides to use Twilight's cover up job as a psychiatrist for her report. But at the end of their excursion, when she hastily puts together the sandbox exercise, we see another example of Twilight truly empathizing with her. We saw him start to take a less strict approach in the episode where she got her first stella, where he made an effort to find specific activities she would enjoy rather than continue to push her to be a scholar. But here, his reaction to her chaotic creation in the sandbox is anything but his usual standoffish attitude – he panics about how much stress she must have been under, not only from being in the orphanage, but also from being suddenly dragged to a stranger's house. He even starts blaming himself for not realizing it sooner (has he always been prone to this line of thought, or is Yor's imposter syndrome continuing to rub off on him?)

His fatherly side is forced out again not too long later when a jealous Bond chews up Anya's Penguinman plush. When Anya adamantly cries that she only wants the plush her papa gave her and won't accept a replacement, Twilight complies. He spends time carefully mending Penguinman (while Yor sits by his side watching intently, giving her full moral support. It's just like her to look that concerned as if he's performing surgery on someone, since she knows how important Penguinman is to Anya!)

Afterwards, Twilight has just the right things to say to Anya to make her feel better about the whole situation, like how honorable Penguinman's "scars" are, and even quoting an episode of Spy Wars when Bond comes over to apologize.

The Twilight that first adopted Anya and saw nothing but annoyance in her irrational behavior, would certainly not have adapted so well to the situation. Yet another example of how his skills as a father are improving, slowly but surely.

Continue to Part 14 ->

<- Return to Part 12

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pairings: None

Word Count: 2,835 Words

Summary: Eclipse's found family finds him.

Warnings: Robot Gore, Injury, Amputation, Cursing, Near Death, PTSD, Panic Attack, Trauma, Surgery, Sibling Bonding, Angst with a serving of Fluff, Bathing Together (platonic, neither have bits down there), SFW Tickling, let me know if I should add anything else.

Found Family

Eclipse groaned pulling himself from the ball pit. What was left of him, at least. His left arm had had the hand ripped off and his right leg was missing from below the knee, his internals were attempting to pour out the deep gashes of claws in his stomach.

His right side upper faceplate had been ripped off along with right eye having been torn from its socket and wires. There was a deep gash down his left leg, leaving the limb half numb. And his chest and back had most of its casing mauled off, leaving his scratched endo and frame exposed and vulnerable.

He’d barely finished crawling his way from the ball pit before he saw a figure standing over him like a sadistic god and the blue he saw told him that this wasn’t the best person to find him this injured.

“So ya fucked up?” Moon asked, crouching before him and Eclipse glared with his remaining eye, this was all Moon’s fucking fault and Eclipse seethed at him.

“I went to kill him and he tried to destroy me!” Eclipse crackled out his half-broken voice box.

“Sad little worm, huh? Welp.” Moon stood up, slapping his thighs as he did so. “That’s a problem taken care of. I’m gonna go out and celebrate. You try to die quietly if you can.” Moon patted his aching head and Eclipse growled to keep him off, attempting to grab Moon’s hand and bite it since it was all he really could do at the moment. But Moon was quicker and got his hand away.

“Hey everyone, I’m buying shots! It’s celebration time!” Moon called through the daycare as he left to the upper level of the daycare as everyone followed him out of the daycare, shutting the lights off as he did so, leaving Eclipse in the darkness with just the ceiling of glowy stars illuminating barely to the top of the play structures.

Eclipse’s engines whirred on high as Eclipse used his remaining hand and the forearm of his left arm to crawl his way away from the ball pit and to the security desk, dragging and pulling down the emergency med kit and haphazardly dumping it on the ground with his right hand so he could get the contents.

His first grab was an ACE bandage, which he tried to put on his stomach with his one hand to some success. It looked sloppy as hell but his insides would stay inside. Eclipse’s processors whirred on max, fans turning slowly because they were half broken so they couldn’t fully cool him down and coolant was leaking out of him, having made a trail from the ball pit to the security desk already.

Eclipse secured the ACE bandage and then began packing gauze into his right knee where it had been ripped off and used another ACE wrap to keep pressure on it so the oil lines wouldn’t be leaking out. He repeated the same process to his left wrist and sighed as he rested one of the instant cold packs onto his processors, relaxing into the feeling of the cold pack helping his half-broken fans to cool him down.

Eclipse saw errors flashing that coolant and oil was low and critical machinery was damaged. Of course it was, he had lost body parts! He growled in annoyance at his creator. They had basically torn him to shreds and Moon didn’t give a single damn about it.

Eclipse hadn’t been able to get a single hit in on them. It had all simply been a blur after they had admitted that they made him and to them attacking him like he was a glorified punching bag. Eclipse hadn’t had a chance to even defend himself and the thought of it, even now, was terrifying.

He shuddered just thinking of the sound and feeling of his wires and endo creaking and cracking when his creator had snapped his right calf off the knee joint and torn it off of him. And the agony of having his left hand ripped off at the joint had been horrifying. The sick crunch the joint had made had made Eclipse throw up. He wasn’t even aware he could throw up, but he had at that sound of his endo crunching and snapping.

Eclipse felt lightheaded, his breaths were coming slower and he knew this was some kind of a panic reaction. Of course he would have a panic reaction. He had succeeded at getting his creator to take out the directives but at what cost? His body nothing more than scrap metal? His mind in shambles and panic? It didn’t feel worth it. Maybe he wasn’t worth a chance.

This train of thought absolutely didn’t help the panic. He was shaking. Why was he shaking? Was the daycare shaking? No, it was him. What was this? Eclipse hadn’t ever felt panic before, not this badly. It felt worse that when he was waiting for Moon and Sun to come kill him. It felt like it was all-consuming and crushing him.

The dark didn’t help either, he hated the dark just like both of his predecessors. He knew there weren’t monsters, there weren’t, but the dark was…scary. It felt like emptiness, like being abandoned again. And it felt cold. He light lights, the stars on the ceiling just weren’t enough light. Especially since solar models didn’t have very much eyesight in the dark. It felt like being stuck into a black box with holes poked in for air but even the air felt like it wasn’t enough.

----------

Blood Moon had finally gone prowling around with Stitchwraith. A joy! Prowling with their acquaintance! It was a ball to finally be out of that bunker place! Blood Moon had begun their prowling in the main entrance and were now going through the daycare, which had its lights off for some reason.

Blood Moon liked the dark, it was a warm place to them, it was comforting, but the sound of staticky sobs coming from the lower daycare wasn’t all that comforting. It was quite annoying actually. They hated crying! Hated it! It was weak!

Blood Moon wanted to snuff out that incessant sobbing and the annoying attendant the crying undoubtedly came from. So they went down to the lower daycare and sniffed around for it. Thankfully, they didn’t have to look for long, finding the sobbing’s source was a curled up and mangled Solar? Was this Solar? No, the dents on the rays and the scratches on the faceplate weren’t present. Could this be…?

----------

Stitchwraith followed Blood Moon to the sound of crying and gave a small gasp seeing the torn down frame of the animatronic they had been slightly amicable with, at least for gaming they had been. But what the hell did Eclipse deserve this for? To be torn to shreds and left to die? He hadn’t even done anything too bad yet, he hadn’t killed anyone at least.

“Eclipse?” Stitchwraith asked, crouching by him but it seemed to go unnoticed. Was Eclipse having a panic attack? “Eclipse, hey.” Stitchwraith knew they’d get hit but they had to shake Eclipse by the shoulder to even get a slight bit of a response.

Once they did shake Eclipse’s shoulder, Eclipse whipped his left arm at them, which was missing it’s hand and was instead bandaged with gauze and an ACE bandage. The hit from Eclipse’s forearm connected with Stitchwraith’s faceplate but didn’t so much as put a scratch on them from how weak Eclipse seemed to be.

Eclipse looked up at them after, eyes wild with panic and pain, breathing going a mile a minute and extremely defensive and scared. Stitchwraith felt Blood Moon tugging on their cloak and waved their hand off to keep Blood Moon behind them. Eclipse was a more pressing matter than answering Blood Moon’s question at the moment.

“Eclipse, it’s Stitchwraith. I need you to breathe slowly for us.” Stitchwraith instructed him. Eclipse’s motors shuddered as he tried to take slow breaths for Stitchwraith. “You’re safe. Can you point to what’s scaring you the most right now?” They asked. Eclipse wordlessly pointed his shaky right pointer finger up at the lights.

“Blood Moon, go turn on the lights.” Stitchwraith instructed the twin hellions, who scampered off to go do just that at his request, the lights turning on row by row until the daycare was illuminated completely, which looked to ease some of Eclipse’s panic.

“Are you able to tell me what happened to you or is it too hard right now?” Stitchwraith asked.

“Creator…mauled me…” Eclipse’s voice was staticky and a weird echoed pitch but he could decipher it still.

“The person who made you mauled you?” Stitchwraith asked to confirm and Eclipse nodded softly. “Why did they do that?” Stitchwraith asked.

“Went to get…directives out…” Eclipse admitted.

“Your creator is a bunch of bull. That’s really all you went to do and he left you like you’re in a scrap heap?” Eclipse nodded and Stitchwraith bristled with annoyance at the audacity of Eclipse’s creator. That was downright cruelty for absolutely no reason. Eclipse didn’t deserve to be mauled over a simple ask like that. The way Eclipse’s simple ask was treated was absolutely bullshit.

“How about this, if you let Blood Moon carry you, I’ll fix you.” Stitchwraith reasoned. Stitchwraith would carry Eclipse back, give Eclipse probably couldn’t walk with a missing leg and fragile machinery desperately trying to escape Eclipse’s frame, but their arms still hurt from Blood Moon using them as a scratching post this morning as if the small bot was a damn cat.

“Okay…” Eclipse agreed and looked to Blood Moon as the red and white faced bot came scampering back down to the lower daycare and sat on the floor, looking over the situation with their head tilted to the side in confusion.

“Blood Moon, you’re going to carry him home. I need to repair him.” Stitchwraith told them.

“Aaaawwwwww, why do we have to carry the Sunman!?” Blood Moon began their usual spiel of complaining about the simplest of tasks. This bot could pick up a full cement truck but complained at picking up an animatronic that probably barely weighed more than them.

“Because our arms still hurt from being used as scratching posts. Now pick him up and be careful. Make sure you keep his stomach level, his internals are trying to be externals.” Stitchwraith sighed. Blood Moon whined a bit more but inevitably picked Eclipse up and thankfully held Eclipse as though he were some princess. It was embarrassing for Eclipse, sure, but it kept Eclipse’s insides inside him.

“Okay, come on, back home.” Stitchwraith told them and began leading Blood Moon back to their bunker and into his lab, instructing Blood Moon to gently place Eclipse on a table so he could work on him. He had most of the parts from misships and scrounging but he knew full well Eclipse would look different than he used to.

“I’m going to turn off your pain sensors but just stay awake and talk to Blood Moon for me while I work on you.” Stitchwraith told Eclipse as he got the necessary parts and tools together to fix him.

“Blood Moon?” Eclipse asked as Stitchwraith turned off the bot’s pain receptors and began to patch up and put on a replacement left hand for Eclipse.

“Yes, unholy creator?” Blood Moon sat like a cat in the chair near Eclipse’s legs.

“I’m not your creator, I never made you. That was…the original me. Before the backup in your head, before I was even a spot on the wall.” Eclipse grumbled.

“So you didn’t make us but you are an Eclipse.” Blood Moon cackled.

“I don’t know what I am.” Eclipse admitted. “I may as well have been made in a fucking petri dish in a lab. I have no clue who I am or what I am, just that I’m here and apparently my name is Eclipse and I’m the asshole everyone hates.” Eclipse huffed as Stitchwraith finished up the hand replacement and moved onto Eclipse’s right calf and foot replacement.

“You are…like us? A copy?” Blood Moon asked.

“An incomplete copy, yes. With directives and pasted memories from other points of view and a creator that rips out my directives and leaves me to the mercy of people who will just let me rot in a hole.” Eclipse was angry but he wasn’t panicking at least.

“We are incomplete as well. Memories from other people and bloodlust enhanced with less free will. Bullshit it is.” Blood Moon grumbled. Huh, odd that the two who hated each other agreed. Eclipse sighed and put his head back down on the table.

Stitchwraith finished replacing his lost calf and foot and moved onto Eclipse’s mauled open midsection and began patching the endo cage that contained Eclipse’s insides that had been ripped open. It was easier here because it was taking out the broken bits of old endo and welding in new pieces of the endo. He was also replacing broken innards as he came across them.

“We’re in the same boat then. I…I could remove it. I think. I have the original’s pasted memories too, I’m sure I could sift through and take out the bloodlust.” Eclipse told him, watching Stitchwraith more than Blood Moon now as Stitchwraith was working of Eclipse’s faceplate, fixing the wires and socket and putting in a new eyeball and replacing the half of the faceplate that had been torn off.

“Take out? You can take that out?” Blood Moon asked.

“I think so. I could try at least.” Eclipse told them, sighing now as the only thing left was his body casing, which was something easy and much less surgical. It was akin to putting on a new outfit to animatronics, especially daycare animatronics, who sometimes had to take off their casing to clean it after days in the daycare.

A calm quiet settled in the lab as Stitchwraith got Eclipse into a purple and white casing, replacing the ribbons on Eclipse’s wrists with new purple ones that weren’t stained with coolant and oil and laid out new pants and a new shirt for Eclipse to get dressed into.

“Alright, go get clean. I have a sanitizing station here, it’ll get you clean. Blood Moon, you need to get cleaned too.” Stitchwraith told him, helping Eclipse stand up and turning back on his pain sensor since there wouldn’t be as much pain to feel. He could fix minor things like Eclipse’s half-broken voice box later. What was important was getting Eclipse to feel better and not take an entire day just to fix him. Plus he didn’t have a new voice box for him just yet.

Eclipse struggled sitting up, his endo aching from what a human would consider bruises. He could feel the stiffness in his new parts and his eye was still adjusting, making him blink that eye more, which was uncomfortable but bearable because he had full sight back again now. He just let Stitchwraith help him to his feet, grateful for the help from his brother? Cousin? Acquaintance, Eclipse was going with acquaintance with the weird family tree he didn’t want to deal with.

Eclipse was passed to Blood Moon so the smaller bot could help him along and Eclipse happily used them as a sentient cane for his new stiff foot and calf that was making him limp a bit  with how little the new ankle could move yet. Blood Moon supported him, which was surprisingly actually helpful.

“But brother goes in the cleaning tube.” Blood Moon and maneuvered the both of them into the tube, helping Eclipse get off his dirty old clothes and Blood Moon threw off his mud covered clothes and stayed with his brother so they’d both get cleaned like Stitchwraith asked.

Blood Moon giggled at the sanitizing mist and roared with laughter at the brushes that came to scrub off the worst grime. Eclipse only needed the sanitizing mist to heat the coolant and oil on him enough to drip off into the drain in the floor. But Eclipse liked seeing his little brother laugh. It was nice to have this moment.

Eclipse never got to have this with…the others. But it felt nice to watch his brother laugh at the brushes going after the ticklish spots on his back. He kind of liked this, it made him feel warmth bloom in his chest that one of his siblings wasn’t scared of him or wishing him death or even leaving him to die.

Once Eclipse was clean, he left the tube while Blood Moon was still giggling up a storm getting scrubbed because he rolled in dirt from what it seemed like. Eclipse pulled on the new clothes and smoothed his hands over them, they were actually comfortable and not itchy like his old clothes. He liked being here. It felt like home.

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[sparkles-and-trash]

🧵 health, ableism ++

Yesterday a doctor, a seasoned guy who’s worked 40+ years, told me the reason I’ve met so much resistance with the health system;

Here, the doctors see you as «a waste of reasources» after three spinal/back related related surgeries.

I was 19 when I reached their limit.

They deemed me a lost cause at 19, years old.

The reason I had those two extra surgeries after the first, big one?

The healthcare system trying to save money.

Today, everyone who gets a scoliosis surgery like mine gets titanium right away.

When I was 13, got made 7 cm taller, got two rods and 20 bolts drilled into my spine, it was just steel.

I had a violent reaction that turned to all of this getting infected and that worsened until I was 16, when they finally made the switch to titanium.

But by then it was too late, and the infection got worse as it returned, and at 19 I had to have it all removed, which is high risk and still scary.

My spine is so fragile and fucked up now.

This all turned into other issues, and since then I have been diagnosed with chronic migraines, lupus, pcos, and endometriosis.

The first one is the only one I’ve been offered any long lasting treatment for, and now it makes sense.

After a lot of fighting I am now getting surgery for my endo, but that took years of work.

And now I know why.

Lupus is a serious fucking condition.

They all are, but if one of them is gonna kill me anytime soon, chances are the lupus will do the job.

But the only treatment they’re willing to offer at this time is pain management.

Maybe, when, not if, when, I get worse they’ll try something else, but probably not.

Because I’m a lost cause, a moneypit, a person beyond the hope of rehabilitating enough to help society.

But I’m still a person.

I deserve a life, and I know I, even if a wreck, can do little things to make others happy.

Make a little bit of change.

A disabled friend once told me he’s so tired of having to be either a hero or a tragedy to able bodies people.

Because sometimes, we’re both. Or neither. And that’s okay.

We are so much more than ableism wants us to be.

I’m not even sure what I wanted to say with this, other than the fact that I know talking about these things are the only ways things change, that people open their eyes, and that we can grow together.

Thank you so, so much if you read all of this.

Thank you ♥️

[pcos-and-endo-awareness]

I think I might have endometriosis and I dont know what to do. Is it worth trying to get a diagnosis? Because I feel like they cant do anything about it either way. On one hand i feel like it would be a relief to hear that it isn't normal and that i am not weak just because I cant deal with some regular period cramps. I dont think its normal to throw up because of the pain and lay on the bathroom floor half passed out because of nausea and pain for hours in the middle of the night, but at the same time muy cramps only lasts for like a day or two so I feel like im just exaggerating. I want to be validated in a way but im nervous about it not actually being anything wrong if that makes sense.

Also i feel like the only thing doctors can do is prescribe birth control and I have been on one kind (one with only one of the ususal substances) and while it have lowered the pain to only very occasional tame cramps I dont really like it because of the spotting because it is so irregular that I have had to wear pads for like a year and i dont really trust that it works, i would like it to get rid of the whole problem and stop all pain. And the doctors wont put me on regular birth control because im fat so my bmi is too high which means a higher risk for blood clots. Is there anything else they can do? I know some people get hysterectomies but I dont want that now at least cause i think I might want to have kids in the future. Is there anything else they can do that makes it worth it to fight for a possible diagnosis since that may take years and be difficult or should i just cope with it since my symptoms isn't really that bad?

(Also i just ran out of birth control and haven't decided what to do so im really scared that my period will come back now and it will hurt)

First of all, I think you should find a new doctor. I am also “fat” and I NEVER had any doctor refuse to put me on regular birth control. BC has risks and it has pros and cons, as long as your doc is explaining all of that to you they should let YOU make that decision about your own body.

If you are in horrific pain it is not normal. If you are puking and passing out because of cramps that isn’t normal. You are not exaggerating or overreacting. You deserve to get treatment. You deserve to be in less pain. You deserve to have more convenience.

I urge you to try to get a new birth control (for example I’m on the depo shot, least amount of pain I have been in for years on this BC) and if your doc won’t do it find a different one who will. Remember doctors are there to listen to you and help you.

There are various home remedies to try for endo but there is no cure. Birth control will help. The only sure fire way to get rid of it is laparoscopic surgery, and this will only help for some time because the endometriosis will just grow back. (And how much it will help depends on the competence/experience of the surgeon doing it.) I believe I’ve read that even a full hysterectomy doesn’t cure endo.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can get the care and treatment you need.