#then i come out and work 14 hour shifts 4 days in a row

[keelin-it]

Very cool and fun that I may or may not have a brain tumor according to my doctor

[ghostflowerdreams]

Writing Research: Homeless Character

I’m currently writing about a character that is homeless. A lot of this information is base on real accounts and advice from people that suddenly found themselves homeless. I’ve even included a couple of things that I’ve learned myself because at one point I thought I would be kicked out and wanted to prepared myself as much as I possibly could for it.

Shelters

Homeless shelters are a basic form of temporary accommodation where a bed is provided in a shared space overnight. Most shelters even provide homeless individuals with basic necessities like food, water, toiletries, and clothes. While others offer programs that aim to help people get off the street and get back on their feet.

However, not all shelters accept walk-ins and if they do, it’s usually first come, first serve because space is limited. Most of them also required you to fill out an application first so they can determine if you’re eligible to stay at their shelter. You may even need to have certain documents to prove your identity and residence (such as a driver’s license, green card, passport or visa, birth certificate, Social Security card, Medicaid card, eviction papers, etc.) or have a referral from a social services agency to be accepted. That’s because some shelters are specifically aimed towards different types of homeless people like a family, pregnant women, teens, a single adult, etc. Those shelter facility have special accommodation that better suits their needs.

Each shelter also has their own set of rules, restrictions and regulations, which depends on who’s running them and where they get their funding from. In general, well-funded shelters tend to have more programs and better facilities. Though these types of shelters also tend to be more overcrowded than smaller, less-funded ones. Almost all shelters have set opening and closing times. Most of the time, they open at 8:00 AM and close at 4:00 PM. For homeless people working night shifts or irregular working hours, this can be a deterrent.

Generally, shelters are free but there are some cases where they may charge you a fee. They may do so when you stay longer than you’re suppose to, which varies from shelter to shelter (such as after 7 to 14 days) or when you want to continue to keep your belongings stored in the locker while you’re at work. Though they don’t always ask for money. Some may take half of the resident’s food stamp allowance. While others require their residents to work up to 40 hours per week in the shelter in exchange for board and lodging.

Street Sense Media - What to do when you become homeless

ToughNickel - Soon to Be Homeless? 12 Ways to Prepare for Homelessness

The Prepping Guide - 12 Tips: How to Be Homeless and Survive

Real Change News - So, you’re homeless now. Here’s what you need to know

Invisible People - What Is It Like to Stay in a Homeless Shelter?

Reddit: r/askreddit - [Serious] What is it like living in a homeless shelter?

Eco Bear - What Is It like Living in a Homeless Shelter?

Medium - Living In A Shelter Sucks: My Experience Being Homeless

Reddit: r/IAmA - I used to be homeless, now I'm not. AMA

NPR - Why Some Homeless Choose The Streets Over Shelters? [audio]

Quick Haven - Why Do Homeless People Avoid Shelters

VICE - This Is Why Homeless People Don't Go to Shelters

Reddit: r/homeless - Why do homeless people consider shelters unsafe?

Business Insider - I Spent The Night In A Homeless Shelter—Here's What It Was Like

New York Post - ‘I feel like I’m back in jail’: Life inside NYC’s broken shelter system

NPR - A Day In The Life Of A Homeless Woman Who Sleeps At A Skid Row Shelter [audio]

VAWnet: National Resource Center on Domestic Violence - No Safe Place: Sexual Assault in the Lives of Homeless Women

Reddit: r/AskNYC - I’m (19F) recently homeless and have nowhere to go. Does anyone know of any shelters or resources available in the city right now?

Youtube: Bustle - How Do Homeless Women Cope With Their Periods? [video]

VICE - Homeless Women Talk About How They Deal With Their Period

Cosmopolitan - What It's Like to Get Your Period When You're Homeless

Youtube: Invisible People - Homeless Woman Walks Us Through a Day in the Life on the Streets of San Diego [video]

Northeast Ohio Coalition for the Homeless (NEOCH) - A Day in the Life of a Homeless Person

Boston 25 News - The day in the life of a homeless person in Boston

Business Insider - Here's A Trick I Learned At The Homeless Shelter For Surviving Bed Bugs

HomelessAdvice - Advice When You Need It

Primal Survivor - 10 Survival Tricks Learned from Homeless People

Invisible People - Surviving the Winter Without Shelter

NBC News - Marvin's World: Nine Lessons From Homeless Man's Winter in NYC

TIME - 'I Thought I Was Going to Die.' How Chicago's 80,000 Homeless People Are Surviving in Deadly Zero-Degree Weather

Northeast Ohio Coalition for the Homeless (NEOCH) - Where I Lived in the Winter When I Was Homeless

Guide 2 Homelessness - Survival Guide to Homelessness

HomelessAdvice - Do Homeless Shelters Charge Money?

Food Storage Moms - How to Survive in a Homeless Shelter

Los Angeles Times - Column: When homeless people lose their possessions, they end up further from leaving the streets

Gothamist - What Life Looks Like For One Of 3,600 Homeless People Living On NYC Streets

Boise State University - A day in the life of a Boise homeless man

Youtube: Don Johns - sneak peek at homeless shelter life in America [video]

On the Pulse News - Day in the Life: Local homeless woman lives ‘day to day’

Reddit: r/IAmA - I Am A a mother of 2 who was homeless for a year after leaving my husband, AMA.

Our Father’s House Soup Kitchen - Living on the Streets: What’s It Really Like?

Londonist - "I Was Homeless On The Streets Of London. This Is What It Was Like"

DailyMail - People who have escaped being homeless reveal what life is REALLY like - from fooling 'squares' with sob stories to get money to going for two weeks without eating

London School of Economics and Political Science (LSE) - How young homeless people experience London and the homeless system

The Guardian - Homeless in Britain: ‘I graduated with honours – and ended up on the streets’

Youtube: EPOCH - The day I became homeless in London [video]

BBC News - 'I’m homeless but I find great places to live'

Youtube: Invisible People - Homeless Woman Sleeping Rough in London after Domestic Violence [video]

London Homeless Info - Information for homeless in London by ex-homeless

Youtube: Real Stories - Life On The Streets: Britain's Homeless Problem (Poverty Documentary) [video]

The Associated Press - Homeless shelters begin to see value in making room for pets

National Alliance to End Homelessness - Pets Can Be a Barrier — or an Open Door — to Ending an Individual’s Homelessness

Feeding Pets of the Homeless - Addressing Pet of the Homeless

Enid News & Eagle - Day in the life of the homeless: Walking, waiting and sleeping outside

Churches

Many of the churches (and other religious or spiritual organizations) provide resources and overnight shelter for the homeless. Some of them may even include free hot meals, clothes, information on applying for financial aid or maybe a few dollars to help pay the rent or a utility bill as well as other aid.

Sometimes, when there’s no more space inside the church, it’s not uncommon to find homeless people sleeping on its steps too. They can sleep there every night without the cops bothering them. The reason why is that churches are on private property. As long as the church owner allows you to be there, you're good. And they usually do give permission.

However, it’s understandable that some homeless people may not feel comfortable going to a church for help. In fear that the church may try to use the opportunity to “convert” them or there might be discrimination based on their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

American Magazine | The Jesuit Review of Faith - What it’s like going to church when you’re homeless

Need Help Paying Bills - Churches Help With Rent, Utility Bills, Food...

Christianity Today - Church and State for the Homeless

U.S. Catholic - Churches answer the call to shelter the homeless

Vox - The Salvation Army says it doesn’t discriminate against LGBTQ people. Critics say that’s not true.

Gothamist - Muslim Charity Spends Holy Month Feeding The Homeless Every Night

The Muslim Council of Britain - How can mosques serve the issue of homelessness?

Religion News Service (RNS) - Homeless find rest in faith-based shelters more than others

Libraries

Patrons, regardless of their housing status, have always found the library to be a welcoming place. It can provide an air-conditioned space on a hot day, warmth in the wintertime, public restrooms for all, internet access, charge your phone, and be a quiet space to read or to keep yourself busy.

For those people experiencing homelessness it’s not unusual to find them waiting early in the morning each day for the doors to open. They’ll spend their entire day there reading to escape from their everyday reality, listening to music, browsing the internet for job listings, maybe even researching ways to help themselves out of their situation or just keeping themselves entertained.

However, many libraries still require patrons to have an permanent address and photo identification to get a library card. But what most don’t realize is that some libraries allow patrons to use temporary addresses, such as the shelters or other social service organizations when applying for a library card. If you can’t get a card, it’s still possible to access the computers without it, you just need to go to the Reference Desk and ask for a new numerical code every hour. Some places may even offer you a temporary guest pass. Either way, everyone gets one-hour sessions per day on the computer.

You also don’t need a library card or a password to access their free unsecured wireless network, usually titled as “Library Guest.”

American Library Association (ALA) - Libraries Respond: Services to Poor and Homeless People

Deseret News - Homeless people need libraries, and libraries need them, too

University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign: School of Information Science - Serving Homeless Patrons in the Public Library: What can libraries do?

The Guardian - Homeless people have found safety in a library – but locals want them gone

Public Library Association - Library Service to the Homeless

American Library Association (ALA) - A Home to the Homeless

WickedLocal - You have a child who wants to borrow a book, but you have no permanent address. What next?

Berkeleyside - No permanent address? No problem. Berkeley library makes it easier for those without homes to get library cards

PBS - From nurses to social workers, see how public libraries are serving the homeless

Librarian To Librarian - Attending to the Forgotten: Welcoming Homeless Children into the Fold

Vehicles

Those who live in their vehicles have to worry about the legality of their lifestyle – something that is frequently in flux as laws change.

Sleeping in your car is perfectly legal if it’s parked on property you own yourself, such as the driveway of your home. But sadly, that’s not an option when you’re homeless because you wouldn’t be living in your car in the first place. It’s also legal if you’re parked on someone else’s property with their permission, like in the driveway of a friend or of a family member.

It’s possible to pass a peaceful night in a privately-owned parking lot, say outside of a grocery store. In fact, many 24hr businesses such as Wal-Mart and Cracker Barrel have built up a reputation for allowing overnight parking. But these policies are usually intended to accommodate RVers and other people on vacation with the hope that they’ll patronize the business during their stay. Either way, the parking lots are well-lit, there’s restroom access, and some may even offer free Wi-Fi.

There’s also city-designated parking lots, where they offer people living in their cars a safe place to stay and sleep overnight. It won’t draw the ire of the residents or the prying eyes of police officers handing out tickets. They even offer much needed access to restrooms, and other services to help you get back on your feet. But just like the homeless shelters you do need to fill out a application, either by calling them, visiting in-person, or filling out the online form.

If you’re on the highway, there are many rest stops where you can parked and legally sleep at. However, this varies from state to state because in some places they don’t allow overnight parking and might even have limits on how long you can park during the day. While others allow it as long as you don’t stay there for more than 12 or 24 hours. They also have restrooms and maybe even picnic tables too. Just keep in mind that they’re not always well-lit and can be pretty secluded, because of that there’s a higher possibility of people being robbed or attacked. So consider this as a last resort.

Insider - As the number of homeless people living out of their vehicles grows across the US, one man shows what it's really like to live involuntarily out of a van for 2 years

Youtube: ALLinWithAri - Living in My Car | Homeless in California | First Vlog [video]

Invisible People - Mobile Homelessness: The Legality of Living in a Vehicle

NBC New York - Is NYC Violating Right to Shelter Law? Woman Sleeps in Car Due to ‘Inhumane' Conditions

Reddit: r/IAmA - I am homeless by choice; I live in my truck.

The Guardian - ‘My car is my home’: the California students with nowhere to live

Cauf Society - Sleeping in Your Car: How To Do It Without Getting Arrested Or Dying

HomelessAdvice - Where to Sleep in Your Car When Homeless

Youtube: Jake McCollum - How I've Been Living Out of My Car for 3 YEARS | Homeless in the United States of America [video]

Vox - Affordable housing is disappearing. So cities are designating parking lots to sleep in.

Reddit: r/homeless - Anyone Have Tips For Living In My Car?

CNN - Living in her car, she was afraid and harassed. Then she found an unexpected refuge

Reddit: r/IAmA - I have been living out of my car for the past year. AMA

Empower Us - Homeless – Living in a Vehicle Survival Guide

Deseret News - People who can’t afford rent are living in their cars, and cities aren’t sure what to do about them

The Road Trip Expert - 19 Places You Can Legally Sleep In Your Car And Park Overnight

Reddit: r/Advice - I'm homeless as of today living out of my car. Anyone have any advice to help me. I live in Canada and its so cold I cant sleep some nights. I just need like survival tips till i can save up enough to get my own place

Youtube: Invisible People - Homeless mom and her two daughters live in a van near Seattle [video]

The Survival Journal - Homeless Survival Guide: How To Survive Living In Your Car

New York Post - I work full-time at Home Depot but I’m homeless and live in my car

USA Today - 'Hidden homeless crisis': After losing jobs and homes, more people are living in cars and RVs and it's getting worse

MotorBiscuit - Where Should You Sleep if You’re Living Out of Your Car?

Reddit: r/IAmA - By request: I lived in my truck for 8 months. AMA

Windsor Star - Homeless living in vehicles battle cold, hold out hope for place of their own

Reddit: r/IAmA - IAmA College (University) student that lived in my car for over 6 months (2 semesters) so I could afford to go to school. AMA

Youtube: Tiny Home Tours - Homelessness to Vanlife: Her DIY Ford E-350 Cargo Van [video]

Invisible People - Tips on How to Stay Clean While Living in Your Vehicle

Youtube: Stories From a Van - Living In A Car To Save Money | How I Did It & Complete Guide [video]

The Survival Mom - How to Live Out of Your Car: Solid Advice from People Who Made It Work

Youtube: Bria-maine - Living in a Car~A Day in My Life~The Raw Truth~Working From Home~Nomad Life [video]

MotorBiscuit - Is Living in Your Car Dangerous?

Invisible People - How Gas Prices Adversely Affect Vehicular Homelessness

Truck Stops (Service Station/Travel Center)

Showers can be pretty expensive at truck stops like Love’s, Pilot, Flying J, T/A, etc. The cost will usually range anywhere from $12 to $17 depending on the place you go to. They all have a large parking area, a fueling station, a diner or restaurant, a convenience store and usually a coin-operated laundry services too. Some may even offer other services like a movie theater, pet wash, workout rooms, salons, etc..

These facilities are usually pretty clean and modern. But if you do use the showers, just be sure to wear flip-flops if you don’t want to get warts or athletes foot. And keep in mind that the truck stops in rural areas are typically very safe and wholesome. But, as the distance to major cities decreases the incidence of prostitution, drug peddling etc. increases dramatically. For example, the Vince Lombardi service area on the New Jersey Turnpike near New York City has the most rampant prostitution.

Also. if you join a particular chain, such as Love’s customer loyalty program you can usually get a free shower if you spend $50 or more on diesel fuel (or if you get 1,000 gallons in a month you’ll earn a free shower or a free hot meal). You may want to consider this if you have a diesel-powered vehicle or a diesel generator that you regularly use.

I have heard that there are some truck drivers that will sometimes give away their free shower credit/coupon to those in need. They don't always have the time to take a shower that day or don’t need it because they already took one and it would have gone to waste otherwise.

Guide 2 Homelessness - Survival Guide to Homelessness: Truck Stops

CTC Trucking - Everything You Need to Know About Truck Stops Showers

NATSO - How Truckstops Can Help the Homeless

King5 News - Homeless camp at Washington rest stops

Los Angeles Times - I lived in a truck for 6 1/2 years. Trust me, trying to roust homeless from their vehicles is no solution.

Prime Inc. - 10 Best Truck Stops in America

Truck Drivers Money Saving Tips - Tips on Laundromat Use and Doing Laundry by Truck Drivers

Truck Drivers Money Saving Tips - Showers for Professional Drivers: Options and Money Saving Tips

USA Today - These 10 great truck stops surprise travelers with everything from dog parks to bidets

Drivin’ & Vibin’ - 7 Things Non-Truckers Should Know About Truck Stops

Campsite

Regular campgrounds cost around $20 to $60 per night, depending on the season, location, the size of the space, and what amenities they offered. But what most don’t know is that there’s actually a type of camping that’s free and yes, it’s also legal.

Dispersed camping is the term used for camping anywhere in the National Forest OUTSIDE of a designated campground. Dispersed camping means no services; such as trash removal, and little or no facilities; such as tables and fire pits, are provided. Some of the more popular dispersed camping areas may have toilets though. If not, that means you’ll need to deal with your own poop by properly burying it or packing it out with you. Essentially ‘Leave No Trace’ and practice the concept of ‘Pack It In – Pack It Out’.

However, to access dispersed camping areas you’ll need a vehicle to get to them. So this option won’t be possible for every homeless person, only those that still have a vehicle (and/or a tent) to take shelter in. There are also limitations on how long you can stay. Most only allow for less than ten days a month, but it varies for each location. After ten days, you can just move down the road five or ten miles away from your pervious spot. This will keep you from breaking the law.

The general rule is to be a minimum of at least 100-200 feet away from any road, trail or water source. Individual forests might have their own restrictions, so it is always best to check with them before setting up camp.

Forest Service: U.S. Department of Agriculture - Dispersed Camping Guidelines

U.S. Bureau of Land Management - Camping on Public Land

FreeCampSite - Dispersed Camping

The Dyrt Magazine - Yes, You Can Find Free Camping in National Forests! Here’s How

The Dyrt Magazine - Boondocking: The Complete Guide to Free Camping (Almost) Anywhere

The Dyrt Magazine - Your Complete Guide to Free Camping Across the Country

The Outbound Collective - The dirt on dispersed camping

Bay Nature Magazine - Public Lands Have Become a Refuge for People Priced Out of Housing in the West. Local Tensions are Increasing. What Now?

Youtube: Mountain Springs Adventures - How to Find Free (dispersed) Campsites in National Forests & BLM Land + My Recent Boondocking Spots! [video]

VICE - Homeless Are Flocking to America's Forests, But It's Damaging the Land

Campendium - Upcoming Dispersed Camping Changes You Should Know About for 2022

Tom’s Bike Trip - How To Wild Camp Anywhere For Free And Not Get Busted

Fresh Off The Grid - How to Find Free Camping in the US & Canada

Beyond The Tent - 19 Spots You Can Go Free Camping in New York

Youtube: Invisible People - Homeless Woman Shows How She Lives in a Tent [video]

Reddit: r/IAmA - IAmA man who has lived in the woods in a tent near the place I work(ed) since last September, for various reasons. Currently transitioning out of the situation. - AMA.

Mortons on the Move - Are Homeless People Living in the National Parks?

The Colorado Sun - Inside Colorado’s attempt to police the growing number of homeless camps in national forests

Reddit: r/SanJose - I'm homeless living in a tent in San Jose, AMA!

Youtube: Invisible People - Homeless woman "timed out" from a homeless shelter and now lives in a tent with her children. [video]

Gyms

Getting a gym membership means you can shower, shave, use a clean toilet, charge your phone, and spend hours a day in the gym just riding a stationary bike while listening to music, audiobook, podcast, etc. They’ll also have Wi-Fi available to members too.

Planet Fitness is the more popular and affordable option because it has a basic membership plan for $10/month, but it’s only for one location. It gives you unlimited access to their gym (which is open 24 hours a day), their app, free fitness training and free Wi-Fi. However, they do charge an annual fee of $39 and a one-time start-up fee of $1. That said, there’s no commitment.

If you get their $25/month plan, that gives you unlimited access to all of their other locations and a few more perks too, such as you can bring in a guest anytime, use their tanning beds, HydroMassage, discounts on drinks, etc. But it does required a $39 annual fee and a $1 start-up fee, and there’s no commitment either.

If you’re still not sure, they do offer a free day pass for the club of your choice. Just fill out a form online, and a day pass will be e-mailed to you. Keep in mind that you may be required to show some ID upon check-in, and all day pass users are required to take a free tour.

Another option is to consider joining the YMCA. They have financial assistance available, which provides access to membership, programs, childcare, and camps to those in need of support. However, I’m hesitant to suggest this one because the pricing greatly depends on your age, financial state and where you’re located. If you live in a small town, the price will be lower than the membership price in a large city. They also have different rates, which vary by age and what services you want to access.

For example, the regular price for an adult membership (over 30) is $50/month. Even if you applied for financial assistance, the max discount is only 30% and $35.00/month isn’t feasible for those that are homeless or struggling to keep afloat. But of course, you do get access to every Y’s and a lot more stuff than you would at a gym, like the pool, classes, locker rental, towel service, showers, hot tub, steam room, etc.

But I have heard that some YMCA’s do offer free membership if you qualified, such as those that are a member of the military or a veteran. Some senior citizen can get a free membership through their Medicare Advantage plan. If you’re under 18 many YMCA locations offer free summer memberships for teens and tweens. They even have free classes and programs that are accessible without a membership, which is useful because at one point they had free lifeguard training.

Note: If a credit card is necessary, get a prepaid Mastercard. It’s a universally accepted method of paying for purchases without the need for a credit score or a bank account. Prepaid cards are sold at retail stores (usually for a fee of $1.50-2.50 or free if ordered online). With these type of cards, you only need to load them up with money when you get it, then use it to make purchases. [x]

The Penny Hoarder - Gym Memberships So Cheap Your Budget Won’t Break a Sweat

Sports Illustrated - Is a Planet Fitness Gym Membership Right for You?

KCRW - For many homeless Angelenos, the gym is critical to survival [audio]

Smarter Homemaker - YMCA (Membership Cost, Benefits, & Alternatives)

Expensive Why - Why Are YMCA Memberships So Expensive in 2022?

Low Income Relief - How to Get a Free YMCA Membership

HomelessAdvice - The YMCA as a Homeless Shelter (Showers, Lockers, and Beds)

YMCA England & Wales - Where to go for support if you are homeless

Hygiene

Fitness centers are perhaps the most popular choice for the homeless, but there are also a lot of government-run campgrounds with coin-op shower facilities too.

If you’re traveling along the coast, public beaches will have ample showers available for free (but they may not be warm or private, and you’ll need a bathing suit). If you’re traveling inland, look for public beaches on lakes or rivers. Public swimming pools can do in a pinch, but you’ll usually have to pay a fee to enter.

Public bathrooms are everywhere (such as at the parks, libraries, department stores, fast food places, Penn Station, Port Authority Bus Terminal, etc.). You can use a washcloth and a collapsible bucket (or a large plastic cup) to wash up with. Just fill it up with the water from the sink and use it to quickly wash your hair and/or privates, especially if it’s one of those single locked public restroom. If not, maybe take the bucket/cup into the toilet stall and wash in there.

If all else fails, using baby wipes (which you can get for a $1.00 at Dollar Tree) to stay clean is certainly better then nothing.

Roadtrippers - 6 tips for showering and staying clean while on the road

wikiHow - How to Stay Clean when Homeless

Boondocker’ s Bible - Where to Take a Shower When You Live in a Car?

Hope's Corner - Laundry Service Helps the Homeless

Medium - Staying Clean While Homeless.

Clean the World Foundation - Mobile Showers: Street Outreach For People Experiencing Homelessness

Survival Recipes - Hygiene

National Association for Continence (NAFC) - The Best Bathroom Locator Apps

Bathroom City - Top 4 Bathroom Locator Apps For Android and iOS

Public Shower Directory - Free Showers

Mail

Having an address is essential for applying to a job, for benefits or housing, receiving official communications, opening a bank account, replacing identification, registering the vehicle you live in, and so many other reasons too.

That’s why most homeless first try asking their friends or family if they can use their address for when the paperwork requires a permanent address. However, there are many who don’t have strong bonds with friends or family and so, this route isn’t often taken.

Some homeless shelters offer to collect and distribute mail for their guests. If there’s a shelter someone regularly returns to, it makes sense for them to receive their mail there if possible. But they will have their limits. They may institute a maximum number of people they can receive mail for at one time. Or, more commonly they’ll have a maximum number of days mail will be held before being discarded.

Some churches, generally larger ones, offer mail services to people without permanent addresses too. These are often the same places that offer meal services. So, it may be convenient for people to pick up their mail at a place they already go regularly to eat. Like shelters, church mail programs will often have a maximum holding period.

If it’s affordable enough, some people who are homeless do pay for a PO box, either permanently, temporarily, or intermittently when they need to receive something. If there aren’t any accessible places offering free mail services in the area, this may be the only option.

USPS - Is there Mail Service for the Homeless?

Invisible People - How Do People Who Are Homeless Get Their Mail?

HomelessAdvice - Where Do Homeless Get Their Mail?

NPR - A Post Office Lifeline for the Homeless [audio]

Coalition For The Homeless - Emergency Mail Program

UK Postbox - Vulnerable people that use our service

WIRED - The radical plan to give every homeless person an address

Water/Food

Soup kitchens have become a place of refuge for those less fortunate souls. Aside from free food, most soup kitchens also provide other necessities such as clothing and hygiene kits. Though some soup kitchens only serve soup and bread, others serve a freshly-cooked full course meal. They also provide a take-out bag with a sandwich and other goodies.

Food pantry is supplied with food, such as fresh produce, canned goods, and healthy frozen items from a food bank. These pantries feed hundreds of low-income people per week. Because every community is different, there are many different types of pantries. But before you go, you should always call the food pantry (or the soup kitchen) to find out when they are open and if they have food. Most pantries offer a three to five day supply of healthy food for low-income families. When possible, pantries provide special items for those family members on restricted diets.

Most pantries will require some form of identification such as a Social Security card, Public Assistance, or photo ID. Many also require a referral letter from a social service agency such as the Board of Social Services, a community organization, or your place of worship to show proof of your need for assistance.

Another option is going to a mom and pop store (local family owned) or pizzeria, bakery, supermarket, Dunkin’, etc. before closing time and asking them if you could maybe take out their trash or sweep up in exchange for their leftovers or day old's. As they would’ve thrown out the still perfectly edible food into the dumpster anyway. Most of the time they'll let you do a little token chore or take pity and just give you something.

As for water there are many places where you get free water and/or water refills, such as public water refill stations or drinking water fountains that you can always find at all the parks. There’s even an app that lists all of the places where you can find them.

U.S. Department of Agriculture Food and Nutrition Service - 10 Myths and Facts About SNAP for Homeless Persons [pdf]

U.S. Department of Agriculture Food and Nutrition Service - Are you homeless? You might be able to get food help from SNAP! [pdf]

Move For Hunger - About Hunger and Homelessness

Homeless Shelter Directory - Soup Kitchens, Food, Pantries, Food Banks

Our Father’s House Soup Kitchen - What is a Soup Kitchen?

Coalition For The Homeless - I Need Food

Coalition For The Homeless - Soup Kitchen and Food Pantry Listings

Feeding America - Find Free Food and Groceries

Reddit: r/Frugal - If you need food, go to a food pantry. Periodt.

Helping Americans Find Help - New Jersey Food Assistance

New York Post - I went dumpster diving at my local Whole Foods and found $1,000 worth of fresh baked goods, produce

New York Post - Brooklyn hipsters go Dumpster-diving for dinner

Los Angeles Times - Dumpster Diving Pays Off in Pizzas

The U.S. Sun - I’ve saved £700 in two months by bin diving – ALL my food comes from the trash and I share it with homeless people

Save the Student - 20 ways to get free food

Happy Sprout - These food waste apps will help you save money – and the planet

Android Police - 12 helpful eco-friendly Android apps to tackle food waste

MakeUseOf - 3 Food Sharing Apps to Make Your Eating More Sustainable

Fast Company - Don’t buy bottled water: This app tells you the closest place you can fill up for free

Bustle - This App Helps You Avoid Buying Plastic Water Bottles & It’s Low Key Genius

BBC News - App shows water refill stations to tackle plastic waste

California Beaches - Pier Fishing in California

Irish Mirror - Homeless people living on canal banks and forced to fish for their food in desperate struggle to survive

Survival Recipes - Food

HomelessAdvice - How to Get Free Food When Homeless

SBS - When you're homeless, how do you eat to stay somewhat healthy?

Reddit: r/mealprep - Best food for when you're homeless and can't cook?

Misc.

American Outdoor Guide - Street Survivors: Basic, Proven and Practical Survival Skills from the Homeless

M.D. Creekmore - How To Survive Being Homeless and Broke

Distractify - Formerly Homeless Share What Aid Was Most Helpful to Them

wikiHow - How to Stay Warm on Cold Winter Nights if You are Homeless

New York Post - How Siberia’s homeless survive the frigid winter

Medium - Weathered: The Struggle of the Homeless to Survive in Harsh Weather

Invisible People - Vision Impairment in the Homeless Community

Feel Good Contacts - Sight problems in the homeless

National Eye Institute - Get Free or Low-Cost Eye Care

NeedHelpPayingBills - Free prescription glasses and eye exams near you

wikiHow - How to Stay Clean when Homeless

Fast Company - This Mobile Shower And Laundry Lets The Homeless Stay Clean

Forbes - For L.A.’s Homeless, A Free Mobile Laundry Service Strives To Be ‘Part Of The Solution’

Inquirer - The Hub of Hope’s laundry services help homeless people feel 'normal’ again

The Guardian - Cleaning up: mobile laundry for the homeless goes international

Low Income Relief - Where to Charge Your Phone When Homeless: 10 Options

Frugal Reality - Where to Charge My Phone for Free? 17 Ways To Charge Without Electricity & Homeless

HomelessAdvice - Where to Charge Your Phone When Homeless

CNET - Wi-Fi is a lifeline in the pandemic. It's harder to get if you're homeless

CBS New York - LinkNYC Charging Kiosks Become Magnets For Homeless

The Daily Telegraph - Homeless rely on smartphones to survive but finding somewhere to re-charge is a challenge

Father Joe’s Villages - Homelessness and Dental Health Care

Care For the Homeless - Making Dentistry More Accessible

Family Resources - 7 Surprising Items to Help the Homeless

Metro - These formerly homeless people have shared the best things you can do to really make a difference

BetterMissions - The 7 Best Things to Give the Homeless Instead of Money

The Right To Shower - What Do People Experiencing Homelessness Need Most Besides Shelter?

[avastrasposts]

Tag Game

Thanks for the tag @i-own-loki

1. Are you named after anyone? Kinda, a 1960's singer but mainly because my mum liked the name more than the singer I think.

2. When was the last time you cried? On Saturday when I re-watched TLoU ending with my husband (I've been nagging him the whole spring and summer to watch the show)

3. Do you have kids? No, never wanted any

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Never! (read that in a sarcastic voice please)

5. What sports do you play/have played? Lots of different ones but the main one was swimming, I competed until I was 16 (I would totally beat Pedro in a race, just saying. Come at me, Pascal).

6. What's the first thing you notice about people? Their general vibe or aura, like what kinda of vibe do they give off.

7. What's your eye color? I found out only this year that apparently the correct name for the type is hazel? They shift between green and blue and have gold specks in the middle.

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings. I am TERRIBLE with scary films, forever traumatised from watching Gremlins as a kid, and that's not even a scary film.

9. Any special talent? I'm ambidextrous, right is my dominant hand but I write almost as well and as fast with my left. I sometimes practice it because it seems like a handy skill to have.

10. Where were you born? St Thomas' Hospital in London. (It's the hospital at the start of the film 28 Days Later!)

11. What are your hobbies? Writing (duh), baking, swimming, rowing, learning Spanish, guitar playing (which I'm trying to learn but there's only 24 hours in the day).

12. Do you have any pets? I have a husband but that probably shouldn't count as a pet....

13. How tall are you? 165 cm/5´4

14. Favorite subject? History and Politics

15. Dream job? Journalism I think, at least it used to be. But journalism these days seems like a difficult profession. Baker would be fun but I don't want to go to work at 3 am. Ideally I'd like to run a small bookshop/coffee shop like everyone else but I think that's more work than I imagine and probably not as fun as it seems.

No pressure tags, I don't know who's done this one before! @roundroald @deadpoetress @meveispunk @violetmina @nunya7394

[misscammiedawn]

Personal post - I lost an evening to a gray haze caused by my therapist yeeting me into a fire full of tumultuous emotions yesterday and I want to rant about it.

One thing that really annoys me about traditional Talk Therapy is the assumption of a continuity based narrative journey through therapy.

Ups and downs, there's always the path forward. To better.

I have told my therapist, who I require to maintain my alliance with for surgical reasons, that this doesn't work for me and have done the introspection and reading as to why. Yesterday I lost my temper and yelled at them for a good 35 minutes because we have had this conversation 4 times now and it always goes back to Patient Lead Therapy.

The issue, as I see it, is that in any given moment I am **CERTAIN** of my values, beliefs and drives. So when we talk about them in therapy I will engage actively and perform MY SIDE of the therapeutic alliance like a good mentally ill girl. But the issue is, my mood changes, my thoughts and opinions slide and suddenly I am not even concerned about the thing that caught me for 2 months, we're on to a new obsession and emotional permeance doesn't even let me remember what it was I was so proud of or angry about last month. I know I performed the actions, I know I was "writing for a project" or "upset that I hurt a friend's feelings" but I no longer identify with the person going through that and it can be frustrating. Because I liked how I felt when I was writing every day and now I cannot summon that energy or emotion and it makes me feel worthless.

I would hope a therapist who cared and understood the condition would try to find the root of these breakdowns that cause the sense of self and priorities to shift and try to map out ways to either stop it or identify it so we have a better roadmap to understand our condition.

My therapist would focus on the word "worthless" and say "...it makes you feel worthless...?" and we'll spend another $260 talking about my EPHEMERAL AND IN THE MOMENT emotion which is neither the problem nor a roadblock to my life.

It feels like paying $1000 a month for a personal trainer who you expect to hold you accountable for what days you're supposed to work on what body part, what weight is effective for your body type and experience, teach you how to use the equipment and educate you on how these exercises need to be maintained, when to rest, what to avoid eating etc.

And instead you get a person who just spots you and counts your reps. No guidance on what to use, no education on the way the body works, no telling you when working the legs 14 days in a row might yield diminishing returns.

Just someone who will watch you to make sure you don't pin yourself under a weight that's too heavy and will tell you when time's up.

I'm just...

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of struggling to tell my PAID PROFESSIONAL that I do not experience continuity of experience in the way a neurotypical person does and LITERALLY AM INCAPABLE OF LEADING THIS PROCESS. I need structure. Accountability. Defense against my brain's gleeful joy at being able to distract a session for 50 minutes to avoid talking about the proper things.

I once saw a seminar on Carl Rogers therapy where the speaker joked "if you get a narcissist then you're set for life, they'll come in week after week happy to just talk about themselves and fill an hour of your schedule." and fuck it haunts me.

On some level, whether it be delusional paranoia, blinding rage or terror-- I think of that when I see my mental health journey ally.

Someone who is satisfied to KEEP me distracted so I keep paying week after week. Which is likely not true, but my horrible goblin brain won't stop whispering it to me and suggesting ways of punishing them for it.

...god I hate mental healthcare so much.

[alexbkrieger13]

Hope you don't mind some more Musikshjälpen talk? 😊 The one week long charity event live broadcasted around the clock is just such amazing thing. The vibe is a combo between Melodifestivalen and Pride. Lots of funs with a serious undertone to it, where you learn about the world and a feeling of great togetherness with the consensus let's pull together and make the world a little bit better. It's a really powerful feeling that speaks to the swedish team mentality. I don't think it can be described by words, you have to experience it to understand. It's like an emotional roller coaster with highs and lows where at the pitch black bottom you get collectively frustrated/pissed off and want to fix a broken world.

Every year I wish swedish was a world language in the same way english is, because we get educated on and get a deeper insight into a year's cause. A reality check that makes you shook to the core what the world looks like beyond the statistics and numbers you see flying by in news headlines.

This year the theme as said is to make children fleeing war safer. Ukraine obviously comes to mind first but it's sadly not the only ongoing conflict. Musikhjälpen has a traveling reporter, a person who's not a journalist but a known profile/celebrity. This year they were in Rwanda to speak with children who'd fled war. The traveling reporter makes coverages and interviews throughout the week before it's time to return to Sweden and "debrief" live in the glass cage with the hosts.

The other ways we get educated are guests from charity organizations like Doctors without borders, people who come in direct contact in their work on location with the ones exposed in dire need of urgent help. And representatives from other organizations who guest the glass cage to talk about situations in other parts of the world. There are also people who've gone through what a year's cause is about, have come to Sweden and shares their personal experiences.

I've been crying so much I'm surprised it's any water left in my body. Watching Musikhjälpen when you have pms is not a good idea... There's been some really tough bits to hear and the hosts have a front row seat to it. They live with the theme and can't choose to switch off for a few hours to watch a football match. They're affected for a long time after they've heard the children's stories retold by charity organisations guests.

Daytime it's "PG-rated" 😂 but the nighttime stuff is hilarious and it get's worse the more days the hosts have been in the glass cage. Somehow I'm not surprised Seger gave this a like! The host on night shift gets a night buddy to speak with when the other two hosts are asleep. The banter can get to insane levels, especially when two night buddies who know each other meet at the four hour shift change.

Last night it was a dad of three and a mom of two. She said to the host she needed to go home and get some sleep because she had two children to take care of. The dad said something about whining and try taking care of three kids. She just "Is it my fault you wanted to get laid?!" and I died laughing together with the host and the maybe 10 people who were outside on the square 4-ish in the morning.

You never know what could happen day or night. It gets dark around 3 in the afternoon but the latter did happen in the middle of the night when it was -14 C outside. E-Type's song Life was played and the Square of love as it's named just erupted into a dance party. (If the pyjamas clad woman inside the cage who watches the dancing security guard looks familiar, it's because she carried Cornelia Jakobs from the artist green room to the stage after she'd won Melodifestivalen). The dancing security guard has for sure been one of the highlights of the week. Who said swedes are reserved? 😁

Sorry for the long ask 😅

😅 no problem I've loved seeing things come out on Musikshjälpen. haven't gotten to watch a lot of it but glad i have a little Swedish to be able to understand a little bit of whats going on

[jynzandtonic]

HOLY SHIT I FINALLY DID IT, Y’ALL! A COMPLETE MASTERLIST! All of my writings are laid out under the cut. XOXOXO!

Last updated: October 4, 2021 (refresh the masterlist)

Hop on the taglist!  -  Join the Discord!  -  Say hi on AO3!  -  buy me a whiskey! - READ & SUPPORT ADCU WRITERS OF COLOR 

 Aaaand just a quick reminder...

ADAM SACKLER - Girls (2012-2017)

- FICS -

MEET THE BOYS: Adam Sackler - (450 words)

an intro to Sackler in the jynzandtonic universe

The Show Must Go On - AO3 - (1.8k + 1.7k + 2k words)

{part 1} - {part 2} - {part 3}

switch!Sackler x switch!reader: “omg they were quarantined!” w/ anonymous webcam sex and edging

Cherry - (1.6k + ? words)

{part 1} - {part 2 tba; it’s on the back burner!}

Daddy!Sackler x virgin!reader: reader has a daddy kink and innocence kink, initiates a pre-negotiated roleplay scenario for their first time sexual experience

Swiped - AO3 - audio - (1.2k + 1.3k + 2k words)

FULL FIC + AUDIO or {part 1} - {part 2} - {part 3}

Sackler x inexperienced/virgin!reader: “omg and they were roommates!” w/ idiots-to-lovers, instruction, dirty talk

Cake - (1k + 1.9k + ?) - to be continued!

{part 1} - {part 2} - {part 3}

Sackler asks what you want for your birthday. You ask for DAT BOOTY. Switch!Sackler x switch!reader pegging fic!

What to Expect - AO3 - (30k+) - WIP!

ch.1 - ch.2 - ch.3 - ch.4 - ch.5 - ch.6 - ch.7 - ch.8 - ch.9 - ch.10 - ch.11 - ch.12 - ch.13 - ch.14 - ch.15 (epilogue)

You decide to have a baby via donor, but your friend across the hall offers to help out the old-fashioned way. Preggo/Babyfic feat. Sackler!

Whole - AO3 - (500 words)

There are days when it feels like you just can’t get out of bed. There are days when you feel like you’re broken. But with Adam, you know you’re never really alone.

Ask Her - AO3 - audio - (5k words)

When you let it slip that you fooled around with your best friend back in the day, Sackler asks if you’d do it again. When you say you would, he can’t seem to let the idea of the three of you go. Maybe—just maybe—all you have to do is ask her.

Basic Instinct - AO3 - (25k)

ch.1 - ch. 2 - ch. 3 - ch. 4 - ch. 5 - ch. 6 - ch.7 - ch. 8

It’s a lucky coincidence—when you’re desperately searching for a new place, Adam Sackler has a room for rent. Plus, alphas and betas make great roommates, right? … Right?

- THOTS -

Losing your virginity to Sackler

Adam making you cum while out at dinner w/ his parents

Sackler fingerfucking you on a rollercoaster

Facefucking and spitting in your mouth

Sackler screeching for cuddles

Sackler finding ‘innocent’ virgin!reader’s vibrator

Feeling needy and giving Sackler a sloppy, lovey BJ

Sackler teaching anxious reader how to give him head

Sackler wanting to see your lipstick smeared on his cock

Shy reader pulling The Lip Bite (TM) on Adam

Temperature play w/ ice cubes

Shy reader turning passionate for Sackler

What are the odds: wearable vibe at work

You and Sackler jerking each other off at a movie theater

Fucking you so hard you forget you even met your ex

Soft dom!reader overstimulating sweet Sackler

Adam eating your pussy on a hike

Riding Sackler’s face to shut him the fuck up

Sweet, soft sex with Sackler in front of your ex

Soft, sleepy morning sex

Adam loving on your teeny tiny titties

Gremlin!Sackler fingering the fuck outta you

Shit-talking switch!Sackler feat. some bondage

Catching Sackler jerkin’ it and playing with his titties

Some very possessive dirty talk

Adam finding virgin!reader’s dildo

Sackler ‘helping’ busy student!reader unwind

Proud reader fucking Sackler backstage between shows

Sackler buys you your very first vibe

Sackler pulling up your sundress and fucking you in the park

Sleeping in *ahem* too small of a bed with roommate Sackler

Sex that sent you and Sackler to the ER

Sackler in a healthy, communicative relationship

Sackler comforting a reader far away from home

Sackler with asexual!reader

- SNACCS -

Random shit that Adam says in bed with you

Pregnancy kink with Adam Sackler

Sackler’s nicknames for reader

Daddy!Adam Sackler daydreams

Misc Sackler hcs: dirty talk, sex, exhibitionism, domestic fluff

Songs on my Sackler “bedroom playlist”

Comparing the temperature of your mouth and cunt

Sackler eating out nervous!reader for the first time

How Sackler gives kisses

Dan + Sackler soothing your anxiety

Making grumpy Sackler BEG FOR IT

Bashful Sackler hcs

On Adam’s chaotic!switch tendencies

NSFW Alphabet: Cum + Fave Position

On seeing a usually self conscious partner feel confident about their body

Adam Sackler loves love

Sexy HCs: cum, masturbation, oral, kinks, pussy-eating

CLYDE LOGAN - Logan Lucky (2017)

- FICS -

Meet the Boys: Clyde Logan

Maybe - AO3 - (1k words)

breeding kink/creampie WITHOUT the possibility/goal of reader becoming pregnant

Clyde gets ASMR - AO3 - (1k words)

Your sweet boy Clyde is the first guest on your ASMR channel. SFW fluff, can you believe it?!

Solstice - AO3 - (3k + 1.8k words)

{part 1} - {part 2}

It happens every Winter Solstice–you shift into a fox and wander the West Virginian woods for the longest night of the year. When you’re injured in an accident, the kind local bartender takes you into his care. Little does he know you’ll shift back into your human form come sunrise… without a shred of clothing on you.

The Plunge - AO3 - (3.4k words)

Clyde's not too hot on the idea of you swimmin' all by yourself at night, so it's up to you to convince him to join you for some moonlight skinny dipping.

In Vino Veritas - AO3 - (6.6k words)

In Vino Veritas — ‘In Wine, Truth.' You open up your very own wine bar, but one Boone County bartender isn’t particularly pleased about it. When a rift emerges between the two of you, will you find a way to mend it? And is there really “truth in wine?”

Eyes Wide Open - AO3 - (1.5k words)

It's all anonymous, and you're so hungry for a lover's touch. You'll never see him; he'll never know you. After an hour together, you'll part ways and never cross paths again. You couldn't find each other if you tried. As luck would have it, you might not need to.

- THOTS -

Rowdy fuckin’ with Clyde

Clyde comforting reader after a fight with a parent/other

Touch-starved, babbling, dirty-talking Clyde

Daddy!Clyde fucking bratty reader while decorating the xmas tree

Clyde getting riled up watching you do stretches

Mirror-fucking and dirty-talk with Clyde

Phone sex with Clyde

Teaching Clyde to dance

Making Clyde do a homemade facemask*

Clyde wants a baby for Christmas

Admiring and loving on Clyde’s soft cock

The first time Clyde made your cheeks go hot

Filthy fucking at Duck Tape with Clyde 

Clyde’s very first time eating pussy*

Crying on Clyde’s cock

Clyde making you cum seven times in a row (for luck, y’know)

Facesitting with Daddy!Clyde

Clyde fucking your ass at Duck Tape after seeing your plug

Leaving the big city and reassuring Clyde of your choice

Waking Clyde up with some slow head

Sweet n sensual mirror sex with Clyde

Clyde comforting you with slow lovemaking

Clyde comforting isolated reader

Sending/receiving nude pics with Clyde

Corrupting sweet sub!Clyde

- SNACCS -

Clyde comforting sad reader (gn)

Clyde + breeding kink/pregnancy - part 1

Clyde + breeding kink/pregnancy - part 2

Clyde + breeding kink/pregnancy - part 3

Clyde with a lactation kink

Clyde taking care of you when you’re sick

Netflix and... cockwarming. oops

Riding Clyde’s cock. That’s it. That’s the post.

Marking his territory with creampies

Fantasizing about meeting Clyde at the bar

Clyde x SIZE KINK

Loving fussing over Clyde

High school Clyde (uwu)

Telling Clyde you want to have a baby

Clyde being protective of you

NSFW Alphabet: Oral + Jack Off

Clyde eating pussy

MORE Clyde and breeding kink

The first time you have sex with Clyde feat. SIZE KINK

Sexy HCs: creampies, pussy-eating, and pregnancy

FLIP ZIMMERMAN - Blackkklansman (2017)

- FICS -

Under the Stars - AO3 - (2.8k)

Flip Zimmerman’s always talking shit—even about the gear you’ve brought on your weekend camping trip. When the rain rolls in, will you help him out with a dry place to sleep?

Sweeter Than Honey (multichapter)- coming soon!

- THOTS -

Visiting Flip at the station to show him your new lipstick

Flip daring you to sit on a vibe for 20min (overstim)

Coming home to find you in lingerie + his flannel

Fucking you in the archives division and telling you to keep quiet

GOOD COP BAD COP feat. Flip + Ronnie

Mirror sex in a dressing room

Breeding kink w/ Flip*

Your first time with Flip - part 1

Your first time with Flip - part 2

Fucking the brat out of you at a holiday party

Flip taking care of you after a long work day

Lovey-dovey drunk sex with Flip

Playing strip-poker with Flip

Slapping Flip (hint: it doesn’t go over well)

Flip spitting on your pussy

JUST how much Flip loves you

Slow lovemaking with Flip

- SNACCS -

Flip’s kinks, fave things to do in bed, and aftercare

Flip cheering you up after a bad day

Visiting Flip at the station in your skimpiest outfit

Flip being territorial over you in public

L.E.O. boys on National Horny Day

Flip being charming and playful

NSFW Alphabet: Aftercare, Goofy, Motivation, Stamina, Unfair

Gender-affirming lovin’ with Flip (transmasc!reader)

Semi-public sex and getting caught

On the subject of Flip’s balls

Growing old with Flip

OFFICER RONNIE PETERSON - The Dead Don’t Die (2018)

- FICS -

MEET THE BOYS: Ronnie Peterson - (1k words)

an intro to Ronnie in the jynzandtonic universe, in which the ending of The Dead Don’t Die is gleefully retconned

Holds Two Nicely - AO3 - (2k + ? words)

{part 1} - {part 2 coming soon}

switch!Ronnie gets road head in the Smart Car, and reader’s gonna pay for pulling that type of shenanigans

This Is The Way - AO3 - (2.6k words)

STAR WARS ROLEPLAY SEX WITH MANDO!RONNIE

Bad Day - AO3 - (2k)

blowing off a bad day with some mutual masturbation + squirting

- THOTS -

Meet the Boys: Officer Ronnie Peterson

Hand kink w/ Ronnie’s giant paws

Deepthroating + dirty talk with sweet + spicy bby Ronnie

Rescuing Ronnie from the apocalypse and settling in the big city

GOOD COP BAD COP feat. Flip + Ronnie

Handcuffing and domming Ronnie

Ronnie can’t keep his hands off you at the PD holiday party

Sitting on Ronnie’s face... HE LIKES IT.

Mando!Reader doms subby Ronnie

Cockwarming as a form of dominance with switch!Ronnie

DOUBLE PENETRATION with Ronnie + a Clone-A-Willy

Ronnie finding you half-naked in a Stormtrooper costume

Thigh-riding Ronnie at the station

Ronnie overstimulating you with a clit-sucker + cockwarming

Giving Ronnie head in the bathroom at a frat party

Ronnie spanking you after he has a rough day skiing

Make-up snuggling with Ronnie after a fight

Virgin!Ronnie x virgin!reader thots

Sending/receiving nudes with Ronnie

- SNACCS -

Fluffy/dirty HCs for nerdy boy Ronnie

What are Ronnie’s hugs like?

How Ronnie dresses when he’s not in uniform

L.E.O. boys on National Horny Day

Dan + Ronnie on Daddy kink

Ronnie Peterson Tummy Appreciation Post

NSFW Alphabet: Jack Off, Zzzzz, + Dirty Secret

CHARLIE BARBER - Marriage Story (2019)

- FICS -

MEET THE BOYS: Charlie Barber - (550 words)

an intro to Charlie in the jynzandtonic universe, which occurs solely post-Marriage Story

Exit Stage Right - AO3 - (1k words)

Theater smut and a very protective, soft Daddy!Charlie

Special Spot - AO3 - (850 words)

Daddy!Charlie is stressed from work and asks you to play with his ass

Business or Pleasure - AO3 - (1.7k words + ?) - WIP!

{part 1} - {part 2}

CHARLIE BARBER x READER x DAN JONES THREESOME

Lost and Found - AO3 - (4.6k words)

You’re an artist in New York City patiently waiting to find your soulmate. But what happens if your soulmate didn’t wait to find you?

- THOTS -

Desperate, touch-starved fucking with Charlie

Cockwarming in the theater with Charlie

Charlie buying sex toys for reader

Building IKEA furniture + drinking wine

How Kind of You to Let Me Cum: etiquette kink with Daddy!Charlie

Counting belt spankings for Daddy!Charlie

Charlie rubbing your clit on the subway

Daddy!Charlie feat. squirting kink

Charlie comforting you after a hard day

Christmas party cockwarming with Charlie

Thigh-riding Charlie in his office

Professor!Charlie Barber fucking you in the library stacks

Charlie and a little bit of voyeurism/exhibitionism

Teasing Charlie like a little brat

Charlie fucking nonbinary!reader senseless for looking too good

Sleepy morning head with Charlie + erogenous zones

Charlie punishing you with edging, spanking, and overstim

Wearing Charlie’s hand like a necklace + mirror sex

Late-night somnophilia with Charlie

Distracting Professor!Charlie during office hours

Getting messy making pancakes with Charlie

Cockwarming for Charlie during his zoom meetings

Charlie taking his frustration out on you + aftercare

Student/teacher cockwarming with Professor!Barber

Falling asleep after sex with Charlie

Soft breeding kink feels with Charlie

- SNACCS -

Misc Charlie hcs: nicknames, sex, aftercare, + more

Charlie sending you gorgeous NYC lingerie

d-d-d-d-DADDY KINK + more

NSFW Alphabet: Unfair - remote control vibe

NSFW Alphabet: Cum, Jack Off, Fave Position, Goofy, Stamina

Charlie teaching you your manners before a fancy date

Daddy!Charlie on erotic piercings

Threesomes with Charlie: Adam, Dan, + Toby

PHILLIP ALTMAN - This Is Where I Leave You (2014)

- FICS -

A Great American Pastime - coming soon!

- THOTS -

Edging bratty sub!Phillip

Phillip messing with you during Passover Seder

Sudsy shower sex with Altman

Altman fucking you in the pool during a family bbq

Making Philly cum in his pants at a house party

Phillip buying you a naughty present

Pegging bratty Phillip

Phillip degrading + facefucking you

Handcuffing Phillip and riding his face

- SNACCS -

Phillip + Sackler on the BDSM test

NSFW Alphabet: Goofy, Motivation, Unfair, Volume

Spending Hanukkah with Phillip

Sending/receiving nude pics with Phillip

DAN JONES (au context) - The Report (2019)

- FICS -

MEET THE BOYS: Dan Jones - (550 words)

an intro to Dan in the jynzandtonic universe, in which he is still a Senate staffer and the lead investigator for the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence; this is not RPF

Business or Pleasure - AO3 - (1.7k words + ?) - WIP!

{part 1} - {part 2}

CHARLIE BARBER x READER x DAN JONES THREESOME

Long Day - AO3 - (2.7k words)

DOM!Dan Jones!

Consumed by his work for the Senate Intelligence Committee, Dan comes home to you tense and exhausted, desperate for an outlet for his stress. Lucky for him, his little dove always knows just what he needs.

Professor!Dan Jones AU - coming soon!

- THOTS -

Sensual phone sex with Dan

Subby!Dan with assistant!reader

Riding the fuck out of Dan in his office chair (drabble)

Disciplining Dan when he’s misbehaved

Semi-public sex with riled-up Daniel

Dan begging you to swallow his cum*

Surprising Dan with head when he comes home from work

- SNACCS -

Dan + Sackler soothing your anxiety

Dan + Ronnie on Daddy kink

Dan with a shy!reader

Aftercare with Dan

NSFW Alphabet: Cum, Jack Off, + Toys

TOBY GRISONI (GRUMMET) - The Man Who Killed Don Quixote (2016)

- FICS -

You Can, You Shall, You Must (multichapter) - coming soon!

- THOTS -

Distracting Toby mid-film by being a brat 

Toby eating your pussy on the train + getting caught

- SNACCS -

Misc Toby HCs: fucking, protectiveness, aesthetics

Misc Toby HCs: thigh-riding, hair-braiding, polaroids

NSFW Alphabet: Kinks + WILDCARDS

Toby mustache HCs

RICK SMOLAN (au context) - Tracks (2013)

- FICS -

Meet Me in Moab (Vanlife!Rick AU) - coming soon!

- THOTS -

Watching sub!Rick jerk himself off for you

Rick shooting outdoor lingerie photos

Fucking a very touch-starved Rick

Making Rick cum in his pants

Rick worshipping readers phat titties

- SNACCS -

Roadtripping with Rick

Rick tickling and teasing your pussy

PAUL SEVIER - Midnight Special (2015)

- FICS -

Sugar Daddy!Paul Sevier AU - coming soon!

- THOTS -

Praise kink with sweet Sevvy

Catching feelings for Sugar Daddy!Sevier

Sugar Daddy!Sevier comforting you during hard times

Paul spanking you with his file folders

Giving Sevvy head so good he cries

Overstimulating sub!Sevier

Somnophilia with Sevier

-SNACCS-

Sevier comforting sad reader

ALL OF THE BOYS

DOM/SUB x LAWFUL-NEUTRAL-CHAOTIC Chart

- THOTS -

Dirty texts from all of the boys

How the boys feel about stretch marks

Cute lil’ domestic arguments with Clyde, Ronnie, Charlie, Dan, + Flip

The boys with pregnant!reader

The boys on hickies and love-bites

The boys on period sex

Loving on fat!reader

Sunday morning snuggles and ~shagging~

How the boys would ask you to move in with them

The boys with a nonbinary!reader (they/them)

How the boys would spend a snow-day with you

- SNACCS -

The boys on thicc thighs

Dominant/submissive x LNC chart for the boys

Charlie + Ronnie comforting sad reader

~Soft~ hcs for Flip, Dan, Sevier, Ronnie, + Phillip

TRUTH OR DARE with Sackler, Clyde, + Flip - part 1

TRUTH OR DARE with Sackler, Clyde, + Flip - part 2

TRUTH OR DARE with Charlie, Phillip, Ronnie, + Dan

Top three boys with a breeding kink

The boys on the BDSM test

Flip, Daddy!Charlie, Clyde, + Sackler on being called ‘himbos’

A lil’ bit of clit worship

Sweet + spicy hcs with Clyde + Sackler

Sweet + spicy hcs with Flip + Ronnie

What kind of porn the boys watch/read

Falling asleep and waking up with you

What to do to get the boys weak for you

Must-have songs on their “bedroom playlists”

How kinky do the boys get + fave positions

How the boys rate in the exhibitionist category

The boys taking care of you when you’re sick

NSFW Alphabet: Aftercare with Sackler + Charlie

NSFW Alphabet: WILDCARD

NSFW Alphabet: Experience

NSFW Alphabet: Dirty Secret

NSFW Alphabet: Location

NSFW Alphabet: No

The boys with a transman (transmasc!reader)

What the boys sound like before they cum

On finding out you’re bisexual

What the boys are like when they’re drunk: Toby, Dan, + Rick

What the boys are like when they’re drunk: Charlie, Clyde, Flip, + Ronnie

How the boys give hugs

What the boys prefer to fuck

Reverse cowgirling Charlie, Dan, Sackler, + Clyde

What alcohol the boys like to drink

A few New Year’s Resolutions

How the boys feel about verbal debasement/degradation kink

Size kink with Flip, Ronnie, + Clyde

Favorite rewards for The Subby Boys (TM)

Romantic nights with Flip, Charlie, + Clyde

Reactions to participating in skin-care pamering night

On dating a reader who does camming

The Babie-Daddy-Gremlin Triangle

The boys helping you when you’re overwhelmed with work

WHICH OF THE BOYS...

Would be most likely to roleplay Mulder/Scully with you

Is most likely to cum on you vs. cum in you

Likes to be called “Sir” (for scientific purposes)

Has the biggest dick - part 1 

Has the biggest dick - part 2 (NSFW Alphabet)

Has the best cock

Prefer showers or baths

Is the dirtiest and softest

Give the best back scratches when tucking you in

Wear speedos vs. trunks

Want to bring snacks to sexytime (food kink)

Is an ass man vs. a boobs man

Would be into having a threesome, and what kind

Would want to have children*

Is the best at eating you out

Has the heaviest balls feat. @clydesducktape​

Love facials the most

Is most likely to eat ass

Do I ship with each other + threesome ideas : paul x rick threesome, flip x phillip

Like to dole out orgasm denial/edging

Is the cuddliest

Is most likely to fuck the bratty attitude out of you

Has an edging kink

_____

MATT THE RADAR TECHNICIAN

- FICS -

The Dungeon Master - AO3 - (1.7k words + 1.9k)

{part 1} - {part 2}

Matt plays D&D on Thursday nights, and you decide to interrupt him for a good dicking. You get more than you bargained for.

CHAOTIC DOM!Matt

-THOTS + SNACCS -

HCs: Matt the Radar Tech, Cameron the Actor, + Mr. Ketchup

HCs: very NSFW chaotic-dom!Matt the Radar Tech things

Matt the Radar Technician’s pet chinchilla, Greg by @rollerdiscodiva​

How you got together with Matt + misc HCs

A few Matt x chubby!reader HCs

Feral Matt the Radar Tech being... sweet??

What Matt’s cock is like

Feral Matt being a little sweet after sex

Crumbs on soft!Matt

Surprising Matt with some DnD cosplay sex

Matt + first-time somnophilia

Matt congratulating you for acing a test the way he knows best

Trying to give Matt a slow, sweet blowjob

Keeping grumpy Matty up late with some deepthroating

Sweet Matt buying you succulents

_____

SNL BOYS

-THOTS + SNACCS -

Wearing Christmas Lingerie while Daddy McTavish tries to work on Zoom

Your first Christmas with Mr. McTavish and Mr. Pennyham (Sleepover Dad)

_____

KYLO/BEN SPECIAL WRITING EVENTS

-THOTS + SNACCS -

Kylo’s guilty pleasures

Kylo fucking his hand in the refresher

How Kylo/Ben shows everyone you belong to him

Sub!Kylo begging you to let him cum

Tending to each other’s wounds after defeating Snoke’s guard

Dom!Kylo fucking your throat

Kylo/Ben and possessive behavior

Kylo and pregnant reader snaccs

Rough, post-battle sex with Kylo

Tending to Smuggler!Ben’s wounds (Mando!Reader)

Sucking Kylo’s cock in the refresher

Cockwarming in the throne room

Kylo watching you kick ass in training

Sparring with Kylo till he fucks you senseless

Daddy!Kylo Ren overstimming and spanking your pussy

Kylo/Ben taking care of you after a hard mh day

_____

SPECIAL WRITING EVENTS

KINKTOBER 2021 MASTERLIST

A full month of kinky prompts with all your favorite boys!

Love Letters from The Boys

------------------------------------------------------

KINKS/TROPES - (will be expanded)

-additionally, all of these are tags that can be blocked 🖤-

daddy kink

hurt/comfort

virginity kink / innocence kink

pregnancy kink

breeding kink

size kink

fluff

body positivity

light verbal degradation / degradation kink

light bondage / bondage

light exhibitionism / exhibitionism / voyeurism

semi-public sex

------------------------------------------------------

[blossom-hwa]

valentine’s day + golcha ✧

blame @wingkkun​ for enabling me :) as well as @thepixelelf​ for putting up the list of valentine’s day prompts on her network @newskynet​ (check out the list and the network here!) that inspired these little blurbs! i really encourage anyone to join in on the event and use the prompts, they’re super cute and hella funny :) 

anyway happy early valentine’s day! there’ll be more blurbs for the boyz and stray kids leading up to the day of, and changmin’s interwoven story will top the holiday off <3

(find other valentine’s day blurbs for the boyz and stray kids here whenever i put up the masterlist!)

pairing: golcha x gender neutral!reader (one blurb for each member!)

wc: 4.9k (total)

genre: fluff, pure fluff, university!au

triggers: cursing, like one slightly implied mention of sex (it’s the first couple sentences of sungyoon’s story, but absolutely nothing explicit)

stray kids version | the boyz version

Golden Child Masterlist

9. “i’m allergic to roses.”

jaehyun doesn’t know why his boss decided to give him the valentine’s day shift. it’s annoying and stupid and dumb, especially when he just wants to spend the entire day with you, but you have class and he has work. so jaehyun resigns himself to being forced to work in the pits of hell on the supposed day of love (it’s a drugstore on valentine’s day. he’s pretty sure he won’t even be able to count the number of boyfriends and girlfriends who’ve forgotten to buy their partner a gift and have come to this shitty CVS for a last minute card or box of chocolates). 

slumped over on the counter after opening, waiting for the first wave of poor significant others to come washing in, jaehyun doesn’t even bother to move when the automatic doors slide open and a few pairs of footsteps sound on the floor. only when someone steps in front of him does he actually look up, immediately plastering on his customer service smile (that you’ve always found simultaneously hilarious and scary - “you look so dead inside, i don’t know what to say!” “i’m not dead inside!” “jaehyun, you’re in university. we’re all dead inside”), but it immediately drops when you step up to the counter and pass over a bouquet of tulips (not roses this time, thank god - jaehyun doesn’t need a repeat of the time you brought them and he had to break it to you between sneezes that “i’m allergic to roses.”), laughing at the expression of shock on his face. 

“wanted to bring you something nice in the morning since we won’t see each other until later,” you explain, pushing the bouquet into his hands. “i’ll meet you in front of your dorm, right? don’t be late.” 

holding the flowers, jaehyun doesn’t know what to do but nod and smile, smile so brightly it feels like the sun has come down to rest in his heart because by god, you’re the sweetest thing in this entire world and he loves you so, so much. “okay,” he breathes, unable to stop his eyes from crinkling as he smiles. “i’ll see you then.”

you lean over the counter and press a brief kiss on his lips. the bouquet nearly falls to the ground as he scrambles to lean in, to extend this bit of affection as long as he can, but then someone coughs and you two break away, jaehyun red-faced and blushing, you laughing as both of you turn to the customer holding two bags of lollipops with a smirk and a raised eyebrow on their face. jaehyun only blushes harder as you squeeze his hand one last time, supremely unconcerned, and murmur “see you later” before walking back out the door. 

14. “you’re seriously asking me out on valentine’s day?”

exactly one week ago, jangjun’s professor gave the entire lecture hall a stern talking-to regarding valentine’s day activities in class. no kissing, no inappropriate PDA, and “no giving out candy or confessions unless you’ve brought enough for the entire hall.” and given the fact that this is a lecture hall of just under a hundred students, no one is eager to break that rule. 

but on valentine’s day, you come running in just two minutes before class starts, a large shopping bag banging against your legs as you sprint to your seat next to jangjun. he frowns at the bag, looking up at you in confusion, but you only give him a shit-eating grin as the professor walks to the podium. just as he’s about to start the slides, you raise your hand. “professor, i have candy to pass out.”

a whisper runs through the hall as jangjun starts to laugh. you really would. you actually would. y/n, you perfect bastard. professor just raises an eyebrow that jangjun can see all the way from his seat halfway across the hall and replies “do you have enough for the entire class?”

“as a matter of fact, i do!” reaching into the bag, you pull out two packages of lollipops and brandish them in the air. “all in the spirit of valentine’s day, professor!”

the hall devolves into chaos and laughter and shouts as you run down the rows, throwing candy at every student. jangjun’s laughing with everyone else - even the professor can’t help a smile as you hand him a lollipop too - but then he realizes you’ve completely bypassed his row. no matter, though, right? you’ll probably just come back and give him one when you come back to your seat, or he’ll steal a lollipop away from you. that’s how best friends work, obviously.

but then you’re running down the stairs, finished passing out candy for the rest of the hall. jangjun expects you to slide into your seat but you don’t, instead stopping at the end of the row and tossing him his favorite flavor of lollipop. he grins, about to say something, but your smile has turned slightly nervous and he’s confused - you’re never nervous, never, you didn’t even look like this before you had your first job interview - but then your gaze takes on a steely  determination that’s more characteristic of his favorite friend ever and you say, “wanna go on a date with me?”

screams erupt from the seats around him, but jangjun can only stare as he tries to comprehend what you said. his mouth moves to form words and they are not the words he wants but he never thinks before he speaks and certainly not now when his brain is literally fraying at the edges - 

“you’re seriously asking me out on valentine’s day?”

your gaze shutters, your eyes turning dim. the smile on your face is still there but it’s a little forced and jangjun starts panicking because what the fuck, that’s not what he meant, and - “oh my god, y/n, i’m an idiot, i didn’t mean to say that, yes i want to go out with you, holy fuck i’ve wanted to literally since we met -”

“jangjun? shut up.”

he shuts up, terrified he’s messed up forever. but you’re smiling. you’re smiling so wide it looks like the stars themselves have come down to grace your eyes as you sit down next to him and tangle your fingers with his.

there are more screams and someone’s camera flashes but jangjun doesn’t care. he doesn’t fucking care, not when you’ve just asked him out when he’s been pining for you for probably years at this point and jangjun knows he’s grinning like an idiot when he squeezes your hand once, softly, and you squeeze back, winking as you pop a last lollipop into your mouth.

13. “you’re so cheesy. i love it.” (slightly amended from “this is so cheesy. i love it.”)

daeyeol may be dyslexic, but he certainly isn’t blind. as the ta for this lecture section, he’s had a front row seat to the obvious pining tension between jangjun and his best friend since they stepped into class on the first day. when they hand daeyeol a lollipop, he can see jangjun smiling like an absolute idiot even so far away, and when oblivious idiot #1 finally pulls themselves together and asks jangjun on a date, the professor himself can’t help but grin even as he starts clapping his hands to bring the class to order.

as the lecture goes on, daeyeol lets his thoughts wander. he’s been over this particular set of slides so long he could probably talk about them in his sleep (and according to sungyoon, he actually has, though he has no video proof so daeyeol will just put that down to his roommate exaggerating), so he doesn’t feel too bad about not paying attention as the professor keeps talking. he has better things to think about - namely his plans for later today. 

yeah, he has a date. he has a date with, in his humble opinion, the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world. he can’t help but smile when the image of your eyes crinkled in a laugh runs through his mind, the sound of your giggles and snorts making his heart flutter with excitement because holy fuck, he may not want to be in class, but at least he’s going to get to see you for hours later today. 

if he wasn't the ta, he’d be the first one out of class. instead, though, he stays a couple minutes to talk to the professor (he smirks a little bit when jangjun and his best friend-turned-significant other walk out the door, still holding hands) before he finally deems it polite to say goodbye and rush out of the lecture hall to his dorm so he can get changed. 

he’s breathless when he walks out of the flower shop to meet you just an hour later, clutching a bouquet of flowers in his hands. despite the fact that you two have been dating for months already, he still turns shy when you accept the flowers, eyes sparkling in delight. your gaze only turns sweeter, lovelier when you look up from the bouquet to give him a hug, wrapping your arms around him tightly as your body presses against his. 

“i missed you,” he murmurs into your ear, holding you as close as he can. 

you laugh. “we saw each other yesterday, daeyeol.”

his name still sounds like honey from your lips. “yeah, but that was still too long.” 

again you laugh, pulling away. before he can complain, your hand slips into his, automatically tangling your fingers together. “you’re so cheesy,” you announce as though you haven’t said the same thing a million times over the course of the last few months. “i love it. anyway, should we go?”

daeyeol smiles, squeezing your hand. “of course. come on.”

4. “valentine’s day is just a ploy to make people buy heart-shaped stuff.” / “what’s that in your hands?” / “none of your business.”

jibeom isn’t anti-valentine’s day, not exactly. it’s just that he doesn’t entirely care for the way capitalism has decided to commercialize love through chocolates and teddy bears when a handwritten card would mean more to him than the most expensive candies in the world. 

which is why he teases daeyeol when the older boy comes into the flower shop where he works part time, even as he wraps up the bouquet of pink and red roses. “still a slave to capitalism, i see.”

daeyeol just snorts. “you think i didn’t see the flower crown you were making when i walked in?”

“yeah, well, i made it. i didn’t buy it.” jibeom ties the last ribbon in a large bow. “i’m not going to be a slave to the machinery of this shitty economic system. valentine’s day is just a ploy to make people buy heart-shaped stuff.”

“what’s that in your hands?”

jibeom shoves a heart-shaped box of chocolate under the counter. “none of your business.”

"yeah, right.” daeyeol snorts, taking the bouquet of flowers. “well, enjoy your date later. hope y/n likes the chocolates.”

jibeom sniffs. “you enjoy yours.” 

with that, daeyeol walks out to meet his partner. jibeom averts his eyes (it’s so weird seeing someone he thinks of as his older brother kissing or hugging something else, even if it’s sweet), but then the door opens again and a wide smile spreads across jibeom’s face when you walk into the shop. 

“your shift is over,” you announce, hopping on a nearby stool so you can lean your elbows on the counter. “time to go!”

“y/n, for the last time, i can’t just end my shift when i want to,” jibeom says. he’s still smiling, though - he knows you don’t mean it, knows that you’ll just hang around and bother him until his shift is actually over and the two of you can go to whatever reservation you made this year. 

you groan. “come on, that’s no fun.”

jibeom snorts. “here, maybe this will keep you busy.” he hands you the chocolate he bought early that morning from a dead-eyed jaehyun (thank god for the flowers his partner brought him at the start of his shift or he probably would’ve keeled over at that point). “happy valentine’s day.”

with a delighted screech, you tear into the box. jibeom watches in amusement. “i thought you didn’t like participating in the valentine’s day capitalist commercialization of love?” you ask, mouth full. 

“i don’t.” jibeom shrugs. “but if it’s for you...”

he doesn’t get to finish before you yank him down by the neck of his shirt to press a full kiss to his lips. “jibeom, i love you more than you can imagine,” you declare when you finally pull away. 

you look beautiful, lips slightly swollen, eyes sparkling. jibeom lifts the finished flower crown from behind the counter and puts it on your head. “there. perfect.”

“hm?” you look up, smiling when you realize what he’s given you. 

“you looked beautiful before,” jibeom explains. “but now you look even more perfect.”

“are you saying that because of your flower crown, i look nicer?” you frown in mock disapproval. “jibeom, that’s awfully egocentric.”

“well, am i wrong?”

your frown splits into a wide grin as you shake your head. “no, not at all.” you squeeze his hand. “anything from you makes me feel beautiful, no matter what it is.”

21. “for me?”

“don’t mind them, jibeom and his partner won’t suck face too much.” the worker rolls his eyes as he walks forward, leading joochan further into the store. “you said roses, right? red roses?”

“yeah.” joochan takes a deep breath, trying to stop himself from screaming internally. “red roses.”

but even as the worker - seungmin, his name tag says - leads him to a selection of deep red flowers, joochan’s starting to second guess himself. what if flowers come off too strong, roses no less? it’s only the first date - and by god, he’s lucky you even accepted, you’re the wittiest and most amazing person he’s ever come across, he never imagined you would actually say yes - and joochan has no idea what to do, how to act, least of all with flowers. 

dimly, joochan becomes aware of seungmin deftly tying the roses together before handing him the bouquet. “come up to the front, you’ll pay there.” he snorts. “hopefully jibeom and his partner aren’t being idiots.”

“i heard that!” comes an indignant shout from the front. despite his nerves, even joochan cracks a smile when seungmin forcefully elbows jibeom out from behind the counter, forcing his partner to stop him from falling over. “yeah you heard that, you think i would’ve said it if i didn’t want you to hear?” seungmin snaps, fingers flying on the register. “that’ll be -”

“joochan?!”

what.

what the fuck. 

joochan spins on his heel to see you standing not three feet away from him, a bouquet of flowers clasped in your own hands as someone else rings up your purchase. for a moment, you two only stare at each other. 

god, joochan wants to melt into the floor. 

“i -” you swallow. “sorry. hi, joochan.”

“hi,” he squeaks, fingers clutching roses in a vice grip. “uh... didn’t expect to see you here?”

“i wanted to get flowers for you,” you mumble, staring resolutely at the ground.

joochan’s brain makes the windows shutting down noise. “for - for me?”

“yeah.” you half-smile, laughing a little as you point at your bouquet. joochan wants to immortalize the sound of your laugh forever in his ears. “wait - here.”

suddenly, joochan has two bunches of roses in his hands and he doesn’t know what to do with either of them. your fingers brush his skin as you hand over the flowers. joochan can feel himself getting redder by the second as he finally figures out that he should also hand over his bouquet to you. 

seungmin’s voice stops him. “you still need to pay,” he says, eyes screwed almost shut with suppressed laughter. 

“oh - right. sorry.” joochan hands his card over, face flaming. seungmin swipes it, gives it back, and joochan finally passes his roses to you. 

for another two seconds, you two just stare, but then you smile (and joochan subsequently feels like his brain is leaking out of his ears, you’re too amazing to look at). “shall we?”

you’ve extended a hand. joochan looks at it dumbly, uncomprehending, but then he realizes you’re asking to hold his hand. gingerly he nods, pressing his palm into yours as an involuntary smile splits his face. “okay,” he breathes. “let’s go.”

25. “i love you.”

“that was... something.” you turn to seungmin, second-hand embarrassment written all over your face. understandable. even if seungmin found it funny, the awkward romantic tension in the air before joochan and his partner left was enough to make his insides curdle. of course, being a perfect worker, he didn’t show it, but...

“were we ever like that?” seungmin wonders aloud, tightening his apron.

jibeom snorts from where he’s taking off his own apron, finished with his shift. lucky bastard. “no, but you’re worse.” he pulls off the green smock, hanging it on a nail in the back. “you’ve been in love since you were like, five. disgustingly mushy.”

“you two suck face in the back whenever you have a spare moment,” you snap, throwing a small handful of discarded leaves at them. 

jibeom’s partner shrugs. “better than being overly romantic and making everyone want to puke on how adorable you two are.” they wave as jibeom drags them out of the shop and down the street. 

you sigh. “sucks that we got the full shift,” you mumble, slumping over the counter. “wish we were doing something better.”

“hey, we get to avoid the crowds tomorrow when we go for our late valentine’s day dinner.” seungmin sits next to you, pulling a bit of leaf out of your hair. “isn’t that better?”

“yeah.” you sit up, leaning against your elbow to smile at him. even after so many years together, the sparkle in your eyes still makes seungmin’s heart flutter. “kinda works out. i just don’t want to work.”

“lazy,” seungmin teases, kissing you briefly. 

despite the insult, you smile against his lips before pulling away. “asshole.”

“hey,” he whines. “an asshole wouldn’t do this, would they?” he picks up a discarded rose - still perfect, really, the stem just got snapped a little too short for a bouquet - and tucks it behind your ear. “would they?”

you laugh. “no, of course not.” you rise from your seat and glance from side to side. when nobody enters the shop, you wrap your arms around his neck. seungmin’s hands automatically loop your waist as you kiss him long, full, deep. 

“i love you,” you murmur against his lips. “i love you every day, regardless of whether or not it’s valentine’s day.”

“same here.” seungmin raises a hand, cups your cheek. you lean into his touch. “i love you too, y/n.”

3. “what, no roses?”

when sungyoon walks into the flower shop, a tray of coffee in hand, to see two of his friends locking lips just behind the counter, he only sighs. at least they aren’t trying to eat each other’s faces like some other couples he saw in the cafe today. and not much could be worse than that one time daeyeol forgot to hang a sock on the door before sungyoon got back home. 

seungmin and his partner of well over five years (they’re cute. disgustingly cute and so in love it makes sungyoon want to retch sometimes) break apart, thankfully, when he puts two cups of coffee on the counter. “enjoy,” he deadpans to a nonplussed seungmin and his equally unbothered partner. 

"oh, thanks.” seungmin takes one, draining half of it in one go. “oh my god, this is so good.”

“of course, it is, sungyoon made it.”

sungyoon nearly jumps. how is it that you always manage to sneak up on him? he can’t figure it out. but even though his heart is pounding, he turns around with a smile on his face to catch you when launch yourself into his arms for a hug. “hey, sungyoon,” you murmur into his skin.

“hey, yourself.” he smiles, pulling away to take you in. “you look beautiful.” as always. 

“you don’t look too bad yourself,” you tease, pulling a bouquet of flowers from behind your back, smiling widely. “for you.”

sungyoon smiles, taking the delicate stems between his hands. “what, no roses?”

“nope,” you reply, popping the p. “our shop ran out. and i’m not about to buy from my competitors.”

a scoff sounds as sungyoon laughs. you narrow your eyes at seungmin and his partner, who are both replying to your gaze with mock glares of their own. it actually used to be a real point of contention, the fact that sungyoon had started dating a worker at the rival florist a few streets away, but now it’s all fun and games.

tulips and carnations, pink and red, fragrant and delicate. sungyoon breathes in their scent before turning back to the counter to hand you one of the last two cups of coffee in the tray. “your favorite.”

“thanks.” you take a long sip before leaning in to kiss him with coffee-tasting lips. “ready to go?”

“absolutely.” he takes your hand, squeezing your palm gently. “come on. we’ve got a long evening planned, don’t we?”

11. “it’s so cold! why can’t valentine’s day be in summer?!”

bomin collapses on the floor as the music turns off for the last time that evening. “oh my god,” he gasps, staring at the ceiling. “y/n, i literally hate you.”

“not my fault you aren’t flexible enough,” you snip, effortlessly folding your legs as you sit down next to his prone figure. “now get up. i got you coffee from that place you like.”

in a flash, he’s sitting, making grabby hands for the cup between your fingers. “did sungyoon make it?” 

“yes.” you roll your eyes but hand him the coffee anyway, smiling. “sometimes i think you love him more than me, you know?”

“impossible.” bomin pouts at you over the cup. “i love you more than anything.”

“i know, i’m just teasing.” you stand, reach out a hand, and pull him up. “gross, you’re all sweaty.”

“i just danced for an entire hour and on our anniversary no less, valentine’s day, the most romantic day of the year -”

“yeah, yeah.” you nudge him with your shoulder as you two leave the studio. “you’re the one who told me to make sure you do your stretching exercises every day, right? valentine’s day is no exception. we did so much earlier in the day, too - you can’t say we didn’t have fun.” a smirk rises on your lips and you nudge him again. “besides, whose fault is it that our anniversary is on the cheesiest day of the year?”

bomin groans as the two of you walk out into cold air. “listen, daeyeol and everyone else was giving me extremely bad advice and i couldn’t wait and i just wanted it to be romantic, okay -”

“i know.” you pause in your step, reach up, and press a soft kiss on his lips. “i know, bomin. you’ve told me this before.”

“then don’t tease me,” he grumbles, dodging donghyun and youngtaek as they run, screaming about cold, into the dance studios where it’s warmer. “it’s so cold,” he continues grumbling, burrowing his head into his coat. “why can’t valentine’s day be in summer?”

a laugh sparkles from your lips, and against his grumpy will, bomin finds the corners of his mouth lifting at the sound. “can’t exactly control when a saint dies,” you reply, linking your arm with his. “and isn’t it kind of sweet? holding hands to keep each other warm?”

bomin sighs, allowing the smile to full spread across his face. “i guess,” he concedes, unlinking your arms so he can hold your hand in his. “still doesn’t mean i don’t want to get back to the dorms and cuddle you right now.”

“well, the faster you go, the faster we get back!” you fling his hand away, sprinting forward onto the path. “last one back is the bigger idiot!”

“hey!” bomin complains, trying to follow behind on legs still shaky from exercise. “hey, slow down!”

“hell no!” you yell. “running fast will get you warm!”

(bomin does catch up to you in the end, grabbing your hand just outside the dorm and spinning you around to press a laughing kiss against your lips. he’s warm, now, warm from the exercise, but he feels far warmer from the feeling of your arms wrapped around him.)

5. “30 roses, one for every cat you’re gonna have when you’re old and alone.”

at first, donghyun doesn’t notice when you appear in the dance studio. you come in quietly, the noise of the door opening and closing overpowered by the music blasting from the speaker in the corner. he’s too focused on youngtaek and his partner, making sure every one of their movements is perfectly in sync. 

when the music fades, clapping sounds and donghyun turns to see you standing just inside the studio, smiling behind a large bouquet of roses. he can’t help the grin that spreads across his face as he bounds up to you and crushes you in a sweaty hug. “hi.”

“hello to you too, sweaty.” you push him away playfully. “don’t crush the roses!”

donghyun pouts but obediently wipes his face off on a towel youngtaek hands him. “you value the roses over me,” he whines. 

“not so.” you laugh. “i value the roses because they’re for you, and when i actually hand them over, i want them to still look nice.”

donghyun melts into the wooden studio floor. he really does. youngtaek takes advantage of his whipped™ moment and shoves him out the door with his belongings, leaving you to follow behind as fast as possible before you’re trapped in the studio. 

once outside, you take donghyun’s (now dry) hand. “flowers for donghyun,” you announce, pressing the bouquet into his other palm. “thirty roses, one for every cat you’re gonna have when you’re old and alone.”

“old and alone?” donghyun stops in his tracks. “what about you?”

“oh shit.” you laugh. “i didn’t think about that. i’ll be there with you, of course. just us and our thirty cats. unless you get tired of me before then.”

you say it with a joking tone, but donghyun still pouts at your words. “i’m not going to get tired of you,” he says, squeezing your hand tighter. “never, y/n.”

a small, shy smile spreads across your lips and donghyun revels in the feeling of making you feel flustered on this lovely day. “all right, donghyun.” the smile grows wider. “i could never get tired of you either.”

he kisses your cheek, kisses the corner of your lips. you start whining for him to give you a real kiss and he laughs, dancing out of the way. “only if you promise not to say stuff like that anymore,” he bargains, dodging your lips. “promise!”

“i promise!” you trap him between your arms, leaning in close as your eyes sparkle. “i promise, donghyun.”

“okay,” he breathes, pulling you closer. “okay.”

against your lips, he smiles. 

2. “happy valentine’s day.”

music blasts in the background as you and youngtaek begin cleaning up your studio. even though you both are exhausted from hours of dancing, the music seems to work its way into your veins again as you pick up the last few things from the floor. twirling once or twice in time to the beat, you put them back in your bag before spinning, arms held out wide.

youngtaek catches you, pulling your hand as it flies out and dipping you down. his eyes crinkle as he smiles, face just inches away from yours. he braves the small chasm to kiss you briefly before holding you closer, losing himself in the feeling of his arms wrapped around you. 

for a few blissful moments, you only stare, smiling into each other’s eyes. the pounding music fades, soon replaced with a slow, soft song. 

youngtaek breaks your silence. “hey, dance with me?”

you laugh. “we’ve been dancing for hours, youngtaek. you’re not tired already?”

he kisses you again. “never tired if i’m with you.”

with that, you twirl him around, giggling as he spins dramatically before wrapping his arms around your waist once more. you put your hands on his shoulders and sway slowly, gently, peacefully, as the music rolls around you in waves. 

youngtaek likes it like this, likes it peaceful and quiet and calm. for others, valentine’s day might be about big displays of love, over the top shows of romance, but even though those are nice every once in a while, it’s possible to show so much love in a soft look, a gentle touch, in the feeling of his head resting against your shoulder as you sway gently to the music. 

he doesn’t need roses, doesn’t need chocolates or jewelry to know that you love him and he loves you. he’ll treasure the handmade card you gave him this morning, just as you’ll listen to the song he composed you for weeks, months, and hopefully years. head tucked into your neck, he presses a soft kiss to the skin, smiling at the way you shiver slightly against him. 

“tired?” you murmur, running a hand through his hair. 

youngtaek’s eyes close in bliss. “not yet.” it’s not quite a lie, he still has strength in his legs, but he wants to stay in your embrace just a little longer. just a little.

“if you say so.” your fingers continue carding through his hair. “we can go whenever you want.”

“okay.” youngtaek’s smile widens. “i love you, y/n.”

“i love you too, youngtaek.” you pull away slightly, kiss his forehead. “happy valentine’s day.”

[pterodactylterrace]

Guys Like You Chapter 16

Title: Guys Like You

Chapter: 16

Chapter Summary: Meet the family

Rating: 18+

Warnings: None for this chapter

{Prologue} {Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3} {Chapter 4} {Chapter 5} {Chapter 6} {Chapter 7} {Chapter 8} {Chapter 9} {Chapter 10} {Chapter 11} {Chapter 12} {Chapter 13} {Chapter 14} {Chapter 15}

"How well does she do on flights?" Henry asked quietly, nodding for Faye to slide in first to take the window seat.

"She gets sick on longer flights." Faye explained as he sat down in the aisle seat, resting the snoozing child in his lap, her chubby cheek pressed against his chest as a small bit of drool tumbled from her lower lip.

"It's a little under an hour, do you think she'll be ok?"

"She didn't get sick until after the third hour when we came to England."

"Hopefully she'll just sleep the whole time." Henry sighed, smiling fondly at the child snoozing on him. To say he was excited to introduce his girls to his family was an understatement. He had been practically vibrating with giddiness for the last two days. That in turn wound up Kal and Briar, which meant no one wanted to go to bed. Faye had counted herself lucky to get the child tucked into bed and finally asleep before 11pm the night before. Certainly not enough time for any sort of decent rest before their 6am flight. She could also tell Henry hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before, the dark circles under his eyes a dead giveaway, no matter how many times he insisted he was fine.

Maybe they could all catch a nap during the flight. That sounded incredible, though Faye wasn't sure if her nerves would allow her to actually sleep. Henry had assured her over and over that his family would love her, but she had a nagging voice in the back of her mind that kept asking her 'but what if they don't?' Would Henry leave her if his family didn't like her? What if they didn't like Briar? She could be a bit much at times. Maybe they would think she was an awful mother who couldn't control her child. She just had to keep reminding herself that Henry wasn't like that. He wasn't a controlling abuser. He wanted to see her happy. He actually loved her and she was slowly learning how to be loved in return.

Henry reluctantly slid the child from his lap and into her seat before take off, buckling the now grumpy toddler in while Faye gave Briar her stuffed bunny in an attempt to pacify her for the time being. That only resulted in the rather amusing image of an incredibly angry looking toddler hugging a very well loved stuffed bunny, glaring daggers at the seat back in front of her. The second the fasten seatbelt sign went off, Briar was back in Henry's lap, smugly snuggling back into his chest with her bunny tucked under her arm.

"I swear, she likes you more than she likes me." Faye sighed, shaking her head at her daughter.

"I never tell her no." Henry shrugged, giving the child a small squeeze.

"I've noticed." Faye grumbled.

"How do you expect me to say no to that face?" Henry challenged, nodding down to where Briar was already sleeping on him, her cheek squished up against his chest, more drool slowly soaking into his shirt.

"What if she wants to do something dangerous?"

"That's why I have her wonderful, strong, beautiful mother nearby." Henry smiled at her, chuckling at her annoyed look.

"So what are you gonna do with any future children?" Faye shot back, not missing the way Henry's entire demeanor lit up.

"I'll just have to follow your lead." He offered, trying to tame the smile from his face. This was the first time she had mentioned any more children since their scare, and just the thought was enough to make him dizzy with excitement.

"Breastfed that kid for a year and a half, and this is the thanks I get." Faye grumbled to herself, moving over to the middle seat to use Henry's bulky shoulder as a pillow.

"As much as I'd like to say I'll help you every step of the way, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be useless when it comes to that."

"Such a shame, your tits are bigger than mine."

"They are not." Henry scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Mmhmm. Mine only look nice when I roll them up into a bra so you can't see how deflated they are."

"They're the perfect size for my hands."

"And your tits are still bigger."

"Fine, but I still don't think I can breastfeed a baby." Henry relented, his face heating up when he realized the flight attendant had made it to their row with the drink cart. Her look of confused horror was one Faye would remember for years to come.

"I think we're good." Faye half laughed, Henry dropping his head in embarrassment. Sometimes people just walk up at the wrong time in a conversation.

Faye was apprehensive at first when Henry told her his brother would be picking them up from the airport. What if he instantly didn't like her? Would he just leave her there or something? It would make for a very uncomfortable car ride to say the least. Thankfully Niki and his wife turned out to be just as nice and accommodating as Henry kept assuring her they would be. Naturally, Niki stuffed his younger brother into the back seat, allowing his wife to stay up front in spite of her half hearted protest. Faye had the feeling this was an ongoing thing between them.

The sight of a toddler seat in the back, hooked in and ready to go made a strange happiness swell in her chest. Faye was grateful they had taken steps to keep her daughter safe, while Henry was slightly annoyed that he was now crushed even more. With a simple look from Niki's wife, Faye understood that this was just how the brother's were, antagonizing each other whenever possible. Niki wasted no time filling Faye in on a few stories from Henry's childhood, telling her about the time he brought a turtle home and tried to keep it in the bathtub to hide it from his parents. Then he moved on to the time he split his pants at his cousin's wedding when he was fifteen and spent the entire reception trying to talk to the bridesmaids with his underwear showing. The last one he squeezed in before his wife stopped him was when they were all younger and buried him in the snow, having convinced him that's how an igloo was built.

No one hesitated to get out and start unpacking the car once it was parked in front of a rather quaint looking house, Niki tossing Henry's bag at him, Henry 'accidentally' shoulder checking him into the back of the car good natured retaliation. Niki's wife had already gone inside to announce their arrival, giving Faye a chance to talk with her daughter before meeting everyone.

"Now remember sweetie, we need to be on our best behavior for Papa's family today, ok?" She reminded, crouching down and straightening out her daughter's jacket.

"I a good girl." Briar stated firmly, nodding her head in self assurance as she grabbed her mother's hand with her mitten covered fist.

"Yes, you've been a very good girl, even though I can tell you're really tired. I'm very proud of you, sweetheart." Faye praised, giving the child her stuffed bunny before leading her after everyone else.

"And then-" Simon wheezed, pausing to catch his breath through his laughter. "And then Henry comes back inside, covered in mud, sticks in his hair, and he's just like "well, he's not under THAT bush!'." Faye wiped a tear from her eye, holding her aching stomach. She had lost count of the stories that had been retold, everyone seeming to take a turn at ribbing each other. Henry even told the story of Faye accidentally gluing her hand to a makeup brush when she was trying to apply prosthetics. It felt almost too easy settling into his family. He had been completely honest, they were very accepting.

His mother was warm and inviting, pulling her in for a hug and whisking Faye off to the kitchen, putting a glass of wine in her hand before she had even said hello to anyone else. It felt so good to be around a family again. Faye had been close with her parents and her siblings, especially her twin sister, and it was times like this that reminded her of what she had given up to chase her dreams. She had promised to try and be home for Christmas, but life got in the way of her going back the year before. Now it was coming up, and she was wondering if Henry would be alright with going all the way across the ocean just to meet her family. Were they really that serious? She knew they were pretty serious, having moved in together, but she didn't have any prior experience to compare her current relationship to.  Would he want to spend Christmas with his family? They were all really nice and probably always spent the holidays together. Would she be interfering with a tradition by asking him to spend Christmas with her family?

"So how did you two meet?" Marianne interjected, everyone suddenly shifting their attention to the couple.

"Uhh... met at work?" Faye offered up, turning to look up at Henry to see if he had anything else to add. Always the eloquent half of the pair, Henry had plenty to tack on, telling them about how this sassy little makeup artist wouldn't give him the time of day no matter what he did to get her attention. He'd tried talking about her tattoo's: nothing. He'd tried talking about the show: nothing. He'd tried to ask her about her life: nothing.

"It wasn't until Briar's birthday that I got anywhere. I swear, if you weren't such an awful baker, you would have never even looked my way. Poor Briar made sure everyone knew you were no good at it too. Briar!" Henry called, smiling when the little girl came running in the room, a dinosaur in one hand and the other covered in a sock. "Briar, how's mummy's baking?"

"Yucky." Briar informed flatly, the adults roaring in laughter while she rushed off to go play with the other children again.

"She's actually managed to simultaneously burn and completely undercook a tray of brownies once. It was amazing."

"Wasn't that also the time I mixed up the salt and the sugar?"

"It was." Henry confirmed, pressing an adoring kiss to her temple.

"That reminds me of the time you accidentally used garlic powder instead of nutmeg in the apple pie one year." Piers turned toward his wife, laughing at her loving glare.

"Alright, alright. Enough." Simon jumped in. "We all know what needs to be discussed. Who is stronger, Superman or the Incredible Hulk?" The entire family seemed to groan in unison; this must be an age old debate.

"Superman, obviously." Henry scoffed.

"No way, the Hulk is indestructible!" Niki threw back.

"So is Superman." Charlie pointed out.

"A little bit of kryptonite and Superman is useless." Simon intervened.

"What are the odds of having kryptonite on hand, though? If we're going to be using weaknesses, when Banner couldn't shift into the Hulk during Infinity War should definitely be brought up." Faye countered.

"But we're not talking about Banner, we're talking about the Hulk, as in he already shifted." Niki complained.

"Didn't the Black Widow have some lullaby thing that turned him back?" Charlie mused.

"Come on, Faye. We all know you're just siding with Superman because you're sleeping with him." Simon teased, Faye rolling her eyes in response. She had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

By the time they returned home just two days later, Faye was utterly exhausted but filled with joy. His family was so warm and inviting. They actually liked her. They didn't look down on her. They didn't question why Henry was with someone like her. They just accepted her and her daughter as one of their own. Two more to add to the Cavill Clan.

Now that they were back at home, it felt almost empty compared to the jam packed house they had just been in. Kal was all too happy to meet everyone at the door, his food bowl still full from the last visit from the dog sitter while their mail was stacked neatly on the kitchen table waiting for them.

Henry left the bags by the bottom of the stairs to take up later, sorting the letters into two separate piles. A large envelope addressed for Faye caught his eye, curiosity prompting him to bring it straight to her.

"What's that?" Faye asked, tossing the clothing from the bags into a laundry basket.

"I don't know. Looks important. Maybe it's informing you that you just became Queen a small unknown country."

"I've always wanted my own country." Faye chuckled, ripping the envelope open and pulling out the papers inside, her face falling more and more with each passing second. Her blood ran cold as teardrops stained the paper.

"What? What's wrong? Faye, you're starting to worry me. What does it say? Is something wrong?"

"My ex... my ex is trying to sue me for custody of Briar."

@weallhaveadestiny @lunedelorient @summersong69 @mis-lil-red @lharrietg @amberangel112 @mansaaay  @nostalgicb-txh

[thatmultifandomhoe]

Knitting You a Home - 5

Pairing: Wolf Hybrid Namjoon and Human Reader

Word Count: 2,745

Genre/Rating: Hybrid AU - Established Relationship - Angst - Fluff - Smut - PG-13

Overview: Things have changed for you and Namjoon. It’s been a year since the two of you got together, and despite a rocky start, it was impossible to deny the bond and love you shared for each other. But ever since Hoseok had been separated from his Mate, Namjoon has been withdrawing himself from you and doesn’t come home until late at night.

With questions far larger than either of you imagined, you can’t help but wonder if he’s let his past and old fears come back to haunt him. You had shown him that it was possible to have a home and be loved once before, but will you be able to do it again?

Warning: None

Playlist:

Main Master List:

Knitting You a Home Master List:

Mated Love is Never Easy Series Master List:

Sneak Peak - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - ?

©thatmultifandomhoe Do not repost, translate, or use my stories without permission.

The outside world faded away from Namjoon as he sat in his studio, scratching out lines that he’d previously written, trying to find another way that explained the way he was feeling that flowed with the song.

He had been like this for the last several hours, biding his time as Yoongi and him waited for the artist to arrive and listen to the tracks they had prepared, and to give them the input they needed on that one song.

“You know, as nice and passionate as he seems to be about his music,” Yoongi murmured, scrolling through his phone like he had been for the last few hours. “I really hate it when people are late and don’t bother to call and give a heads up.”

Namjoon hummed in agreement, not even bothering to check the time. Instead, he chewed on his bottom lip, sighing as he once again drew a harsh black line. The page had slowly filled in with more crossed out lyrics than when he started rewriting it this morning.

He had felt bad leaving you in bed this morning, again. Like clockwork, he’d leave the house by seven thirty to guarantee he’d make it to the bus stop to get to work ten minutes before eight, but this morning had been different. Those few moments you shared when he did crawl into bed hadn’t happened this time, and it left him feeling off centered. You had ended your day not knowing if he came home, and were going to start it off waking up and wondering if he had come home.

Then he ended up not being able to go visit you during his lunch break, because by a stroke of luck, Yoongi had called him over to Genius Studio to go over an idea he had on the unspeakable song. They had nicknamed it that when the rapper turned down another version that they had for it this morning.

It was only a quick and short text that he was able to send to you before going over to Yoongi’s studio, feeling even guiltier. If his math was correct, then you hadn’t seen him since yesterday at lunch. Which was one thing if the two of you lived in separate houses and were only dating, but you lived with each other, shared the same bed, your paths should have crossed more than once.

Not hearing a reply from Namjoon, Yoongi lifted his head, shifting on the couch to see that his friend was still leaned back in his chair. His feet were propped up on the drawer of his desk with the notebook against his legs.

Yoongi’s tail lightly thumped against the couch – not even Namjoon’s ears flicked in his direction – and he glanced at the time. It wasn’t late like yesterday, only eight, but just like the other day he wanted Namjoon to go home. He was concerned about his friend and thought that he needed to get away from the studio and spend some time with you.

Maybe by being with you, Namjoon would realize that it didn’t matter whether there was a ring on your finger, or a Mate Mark on your neck, you were the love of his life and he was yours, and that was all that mattered.

“Mixtape?” He finally asked, curious as to which project Namjoon was working on.

Namjoon nodded, finally turning to the next clean page to write out what he had. Maybe if it wasn’t surrounded by scribbles and cross outs, he’d be able to figure out the next few lines before the chorus.

Namjoon reached out and tapped on his phone out of habit, curious if you had messaged him. The lock screen photo made him smile, taking a moment to admire it before going to his messages. It was from the morning after one of his heats and naturally, he had woken up before you. Sunlight had streamed through the curtains, highlighting your body in an otherworldly glow as you slept. The only adjustment he had made was when he brushed your hair off your neck, revealing the – at the time – Mate Mark that was only a couple days old.

It was a picture that relaxed and sent a wave of pride through him. While the day that you officially adopted him was one of the happiest days of his life, this particular moment in time was forever ingrained in his heart. He had found the one person meant for him.

When he finally pulled up his messages, he smiled as he saw an unread text from you.

From Angel:

Don’t worry about it Joonie! I have some news to tell you when you come home, so I’ll see you tonight. Love you!

He hoped you hadn’t gone overboard with dinner, but knowing you, you probably dug out the cookbooks and decided to try a new recipe. Without a doubt there’d be a plate fixed up for him waiting in the fridge for him when he came home. The gesture was sweet and while he was thankful for you thinking of him, it only made him want to come home at a normal time to eat it with you, when it was done cooking.

A knocking at the door captured his attention, forcing him to slide his notebook closed with the flyer for the underground rap battle serving as a bookmark back into the drawer when Yoongi opened the door. Namjoon hid his surprise when not only the rapper entered the room – apologizing for being so late – but a woman entered with him, her hand clasped in his own.

One inhale and Namjoon was gripping the arm of his chair, feeling like he had gotten run over when the scent of her overbearing perfume hit him, along with the rapper’s scent coming from her as well.

In some shape or form, these two were together, and they hadn’t been late due to dinner as he was telling Yoongi.

“Well,” Namjoon spoke, clearing his throat as he shook hands with the artist and then his, friend. “Why don’t we get started.”

As everyone got comfortable, Namjoon glanced at Yoongi over their heads, raising an eyebrow at his older friend.

Yoongi simply scrunched up his nose, tail flickering in agitation at the humans overpowering scents.

It was going to be a long night.

“Knit one, pearl two,” you softly murmured, reading over the knitting pattern. Dinner had long since been put away and the dishes cleaned up, a plate already made up and set aside in the fridge for Namjoon for when he came home.

Since you were officially on vacation, you were sitting on the couch with a pattern you had printed out God knows how long ago. It was for a baby blanket, and as you had been rifling through your binder of patterns, you couldn’t help but linger on this particular one. It was too soon to assume – with Hoseok leaving for a year at the end of the month it certainly wasn’t going to happen – but you couldn’t help but think that Sarah would need it. If not now then she would one day for sure. Something told you that her and Hoseok weren’t going to have only one child.

And if not, it’ll make a beautiful display for the shop, you thought, writing a check mark in your notebook next to row one, continuing on to the next one. Right now, it just looked like a long section of yellow yarn. Give it a few days and it would look like the picture, a baby blanket with a seashell design big enough to wrap the baby up in or to put in the crib.

Sighing, you glanced at the clock on the wall, not surprised that Namjoon wasn’t home. It was only nine, too early for him to even consider leaving work.

It hadn’t always been like this. He used to come home at a normal time, or the latest at least eight pm. That had been when he first started working for the music company. With Yoongi by his side guiding him, Namjoon had managed to work his way up and was able to produce music alongside with Yoongi. The promotion had surprised even you, but you didn’t care. All that mattered was that Namjoon was doing a job that he loved, and from the stories he told you with bright smiles, the hours he spent at the studio were worth all the late nights.

Of course, you missed him. You missed teasing him as he tried to help prepare dinner, and curling up on the couch when the dishes were done. Tender moments of when the two of you were in separate worlds, him lost in a story or new book of poetry and you knitting up a new project, but always connected as he pulled your legs over his lap and would run his palm along your bare skin. Those were the sweetest memories that you missed.

Tonight, was nearly identical to those precious moments. The TV was on low, your legs stretched out on the couch as the knitting needles clicked together. The only thing that was missing, was Namjoon.

Namjoon pressed down on the back of his neck, groaning as he entered the house. The night had gone exactly as he had thought, and they were still left with the unspeakable song to do. Every idea and suggestion ended up crumpled up and thrown in the trashcan.

By the time the artist and his girlfriend left, both him and Yoongi reeked  of the perfume she wore, and Namjoon was growling in irritability because his studio no longer had his scent. He had spent the last hour trying to rid the room of hers, but it was no use. The only female scent that belonged in there was yours, and he was debating on having you come by one day to help restore order. Until he got a shower and smelled like himself again, scenting his studio was absolutely pointless.

He stopped short in the living room however, his thoughts hitting pause as he walked around the couch to see you asleep. The basket that held your knitting was placed on the floor next to the end table, the throw blanket that was usually over your chair half haphazardly covered your body.

The sight of you sleeping eased some of his distress, but it only raised a new worry now. Crouching down, he gently brushed back the hair that had fallen, a soft smile appearing on his face as he gazed at you. There was probably a good reason you were out here instead of in bed, but like a quick fire, guilt plagued him at the thought that you had been waiting for him. He remembered that you had wanted to tell him something, but he didn’t think it was serious enough for you to camp out on the couch.

“Angel,” he softly called out, running his knuckles against your temple. “Wake up sweetheart, it’s time for bed.”

A soft groan came from your lips, making him chuckle, but he continued on. “Come on, you know an angel like you isn’t meant to sleep on a couch.”

You tiredly smiled before opening your eyes, relishing at the sight of Namjoon. “The only angel I see here is you.” You stretched a hand out to cup his cheek, sighing at the content sound of his growl.

Namjoon ducked his head down, chuckling as he gazed lovingly at you. A wave of deja view had him taking a trip down memory lane, recalling another time when he had come home to find you sleeping on the couch in an attempt to wait up for him.

“Why weren’t you sleeping in your bed?” He hoarsely asked, watching you unfold the towel and settle it on his hair, all while being mindful of his ears. He hadn’t expected the rain and he was soaked as a result of the sudden storm.

You didn’t answer for a few moments. Instead you were focused on drying his hair and gathering your thoughts. “I was waiting for you to come home,” you finally answered, moving the towel off his head. His wolf ears lifted up, bringing a soft smile to your face despite the serious situation at hand, and began to carefully dry them as well.

His eyes burned with tears and despite biting his lip and trying to think of anything else, he couldn’t. Never before had a place been a home for Namjoon. The feeling was foreign and it scared him. The idea of there being a place where he felt safe, cared about, and loved terrified him, so he ran.

He ran until he realized there was no-where he wanted to be than with you, that the only person he wanted was you. He loved the things that you knitted him, he enjoyed starting his weekend off with you on the couch drinking coffee and watching those wedding shows.

He loved the way your house always smelled like something was being baked, and he sincerely appreciated that after he woke up from a nightmare, you were there to coax him out into the kitchen where you prepared to make tea or coffee and a late-night snack to take his mind off of his memories. You never forced him to, but he knew that you’d listen if he wanted to talk about it.

Without a second thought, he wrapped his arms around your hips, pulling you closer so he was able to rest his forehead against your stomach.

The tears slid down his cheeks as he sobbed, his grip tightening the slightest when he felt you move. But it was only to set the towel on the table as you wrapped your own arms around his shoulders, gently rubbing your hands in circles on his back.

“It’s okay Namjoon,” you softly spoke. “You’re home now. It’s gonna be okay.”

Shaking his head, he gently slid an arm underneath you to help you sit up right. “Are you awake enough to tell me about that news?” He teasingly asked.

You frowned up at him but realization dawned on your features, resulting in him chuckling as you nodded. Holding your hands out, Namjoon took them in his as he pulled you up, immediately leading you to the bedroom.

“Well as of today, Grandma has declared that I’m on vacation,” you told him. He slid his arm around your waist and you leaned into him, your nose scrunching up at the citrus smell on his shirt.

“She finally got tired of you?” He joked, not noticing the way your face fell.

Licking your lips, you frowned as a headache began to form behind your eyes at the scent. “She says that we work too much and don’t spend enough time together.”

“Was there the mention of us having kids?”

“That we should be in a certain room in our house more than we are.”

Namjoon snorted, watching as you sat down on the bed before going to his dresser and pulling out a new pair of boxers. “I need a quick shower but I shouldn’t be long.” He smiled as he walked back towards you, kissing your lips briefly before heading to the bathroom.

The water was heard instantly. You were staring at the doorway, wondering if he had known. He had to know that he reeked of another woman’s perfume, his own sense of smell was heightened incredibly compared to yours but yet, he didn’t say anything. There was no explanation for why he smelled like that.

Reaching up to touch the side of your neck, you shakily inhaled as you forced yourself to dress for bed, curling up under the blankets on your side.

It was the first time that he was home before midnight. The first time in so damn long that the two of you were going to bed at the same time, and he smelled of another woman. While you figured there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for it, your heart seemed to hang in your chest.

By the time he crawled in behind you, burying his face in your neck and softly kissing the skin, you couldn’t erase the venomous thought that there was no other reason for why he was staying so late at the studio anymore.

Before you had wondered if…now you were wondering just who wore that disgusting perfume. 

[dianapocalypse]

Alright y’all, with the release of Mass Effect: Legendary Edition, it’s time for me to share my playlist for the entire trilogy.

I’ve refined this over like six years so scientifically speaking it’s probably good right. oh also it’s four hours long. so if you have a road trip or a boring job, this one’s for you. disclaimer, it’s entirely possible I have garbage taste in music. I also missed some characters and moments because there’s 65 songs here and I am merely human.

If you don’t have the patience for four hours, I recommend starting at track 45 and listening to the end, as the Mass Effect 3 portion is the strongest in my opinion.

UNDER THE CUT FOR DESCRIPTIONS WE GO!

FIRST MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 1

1. Atlas - Coldplay Eden Prime

“Sometimes the wire Must tense for the note Caught in the fire, say oh We're about to explode“

I really like the atmosphere of this song. It’s ominous, but also somehow hopeful, and makes me feel like Something Huge Is Coming.

2. I Will Not Sing A Hateful Song - Constantines Paragon Shepard

“But I was also born and raised To always speak and listen clear To know the last sound that I make Could be the last sound that I hear“

OK, listen, I think this song is about vampires, and I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a metaphor or not. But I think this is a great song about controlling one’s temper, about knowing that you have to Rise Above the parts of you that want to lash out sometimes to get things done and have peace. Seeing as how paragon Shepard, to me, always seems like they’re three deep breaths away from snapping, but manage to keep it in check, it fits them to a T.

And also maybe they’re a vampire.

3. Hard to Kill - Beth Crowley Renegade Shepard

“So I let the rumors Turn me into a legend 'Cause I'm only human But a good myth is hard to kill”

This one’s a recent addition, but holy cow, I love it for Renegade Shep, particularly an Earthborn or Ruthless, but it works for any of them.

4. We Own the Skies - Five Iron Frenzy Joker

“My hands are bleeding where they often crack The stars will sometimes burn with longing Through the choking black Of night shifts piling each against the next”

This really vibes with Joker’s backstory for me, his super driven serious self in flight school, contrasted with who he is when he can fly a ship. He’s the best pilot in the goddamn fleet and I love him.

5. I Just Wanna See - Smash Mouth Kaidan Alenko

“Mister moon checkin' on how y'all livin' The stars all winkin' at the day that's dimmin' I just wanna see”

This song fits into his reactions to first showing up at the Citadel and his former romanticism about living in space. Ironically, it’s a song about Earth, but I feel like it works well for him. Also, Smash Mouth absolutely sounds like the kind of music Kaidan would listen to, no I will not be taking questions or constructive criticism.

6. Don’t Give Up - Noisettes Ashley Williams

“She's got a talented face and a suitcase Ain't got no desire to go no place In her case she's got no desire with her hand in the flame say's she don't feel the fire “

The energy of this song is just perfect for Ashley’s no-nonsense chip on her shoulder attitude.

7. About As Helpful As You Can Be Without Being Any Help At All - Dan Mangan The Council

“I was thrown in the boat/Cast out to sea Friendly with waves/There were sharks below Hungry for me/So I dangled my leg”

I mean, the title says it all.

8. The Captain - Guster Anderson

“Courageous, just like the captain Marching forward with no doubt in his head”

I have adored this song ever since my friend played it for me, and it’s the ultimate mentor-protégé jam for me.

9. Secret Agent Man - Johnny Rivers Garrus Vakarian

“Here's a man who leads a life of danger To everyone he meets he stays a stranger Oh, with every move he makes another chance he takes The odds are he won't live to see tomorrow”

I have to poke a little fun at Garrus and how seriously he takes himself in Mass Effect 1. I romanced him across four playthrus, I’m allowed!

10. I’m Getting Too Old For This Shit - Kill Lincoln Urdnot Wrex

“This random apathy/I swear it's killing me But I guess it's all the same, till the devil knows my name”

I don’t know ANYTHING about this band, but this song fits Wrex’s disillusionment with the Krogan well, plus, like. The title. (And also, that he secretly DOES care what happens to the Krogan.)

11. Bird Song - Juniper Vale Tali’zorah nar Rayya

“I want to dance on the horizon line But there is something I am caged behind I have a heart made for take flight But I'm low, so low”

I adore this song and the sound of Juniper Vale in general. The etherealness of this one, combined with the youthful optimism, feels very Tali. The line about ‘something I am caged behind’ works well for the suits, too. This one’s especially good if you’re a Talimancer!

12. 11. Green Garden - Laura Mvula Liara T’Soni

“And I’ll fly on the wings of a butterfly High as a tree top and down again Putting my bag down, taking my shoes off Walk on the carpet of green velvet”

I really like this song’s vibes and I feel like Liara fits it well, particularly in ME1, before all her youthful optimism is stripped from her. The scenery descriptions feel very Thessia, too.

13. Feed Me (Git It) - Little Shop of Horrors The Thorian 

“The guy sure looks like plant food to me!”

Do you get it. Do you get my joke. It’s because the Thorian is a plant that eats people. (I’m not funny)

14. Blindness - Metric Matriarch Benezia

“I was a blind fool, never complained All the survivors singing in the rain “

I don’t love the use of blind here as a negative, albeit metaphorical, descriptor, but I think this song fits Benezia’s indoctrination and death well. If you have suggestions for another, though, let me know!

15. Technologic - Daft Punk Saren

“Buy it, use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it”

I just think it’s Neat

16. Watershed - Vienna Teng The Reapers

“ While you were building your empires I was still sleeping”

I think this is the song that inspired the entire playlist. Vienna Teng sat down and decided to write a song from the perspective of a natural disaster, and it’s so ominous and gut-wrenching.

17. Hourglass - The Hush Sound Virmire

“This is how it ends We believe every lie and say we'll be friends How long will it last? Before we scratch all the scripts and we rework the cast “

hahahahah rework the cast get it because you have to pick who DIES

Seriously tho I really like this song for Virmire and that moment of choice that feels like it lasts 100 years on some playthroughts.

18. Pompeii - Bastille The Siege of the Citadel

“ And the walls kept tumbling down In the city that we love”

Throwback to when this song was on the radio like three times an hour. Which is around the time I made the first draft of this playlist, incidentally! It’s such a good Final Battle Jam for the Citadel, and the part about “if you close your eyes/does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all” I think work really well for Shepard in this sequence. Shepard knew the Reapers were coming, had been fighting them all along; this attack on the Citadel is just retreading familiar territory for them, as horrifying as the war being brought to their doorstep is for the Citadel’s citizens and the council. James Vega has some good dialogue about that kind of thing in ME3.

INTERLUDE THE FIRST

19. Starships - Nicki Minaj The Normandy Crew

Starships were meant to fly Hands up and touch the sky

I like to have a little fun OK

20. Gravity - Yoko Kanno The Death of Commander Shepard

“Am I alone? is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet still the road keeps on telling me to go on”

Welcome to mood whiplash, it’s my specialty! This is the part where you die. I think it also works for her coma very well, when she’s just drifting between life and death, not sure what’s going on, but something keeps trying to pull her back to the world.

SECOND MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 2

21. The Phoenix - Fall Out Boy The Lazarus Project

“Hey young blood, doesn't it feel like our time is running out? I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix “

this song has no right to go as hard as it does and if  you think it’s melodramatic shut up

22. My Body Is A Cage - Peter Gabriel Commander Shepard

“I'm living in an age Whose name I don't know Though the fear keeps me moving Still my heart beats so slow “

This works particularly well if you romanced The Virmire Survivor, but this song captures the energy of Shepard freaking out bc they are trapped with Cerberus, because Cerberus rebuilt their body from the ground up. That jarring, caged feeling is so palpable in ME2 that when they gave me back Joker the first time I played, I BURST INTO SOBS from relief.

23. The Lady is a Vamp - The Spice Girls Miranda Lawson

“That's all in the past, legends built to last But she's got something new”

Listen. She’s a bond babe. Handbags, heels and pistols rock. She’s got class. This is a song about Miranda. That is all.

24. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down Jacob Taylor

“ I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon After all I knew, it had to be something to do with you “

This one’s about the Vibes for me. Also can apply to his past relationship with Miranda. I’m also super showing my age on this song, oof haha.

25. Stable Song - Death Cab For Cutie Colony Abduction

“Rows of deserted houses all Our stable mates highway bound “

I really like the mood of this one for showing up on the very first abducted colony, the eerieness and sadness of it all and Shepard’s resolve to do something about it.

26. Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn Kasumi Goto

“I'm so very hot that when I rob your mansion You ain't call the cops, you call the fire station”

THAT COUPLET ALONE MAKES THE ENTIRE SONG. I love how playful and cheeky it is.

27. Seven Nation Army Glitch Mob Remix - The White Stripes, Glitch Mob Zaeed Massani

“And I'm talking to myself at night Because I can't forget Back and forth through my mind Behind a cigarette”

Pretty sure we all had this on some playlist or another when it came out, and it’s the perfect Badass With A Grudge song.

28. Science is Real - They Might Be Giants Mordin Solus

“ And when a theory emerges Consistent with the facts The proof is with science The truth is with science “

This one actually got added by my wife to replace a song that wasn’t on Spotify, but that has the same energy; Hank Green’s “I Fucking Love Science”. I get more into the emotional side of Mordin in the ME3 section, but I also really just love his Hamster On Coffee energy and this song captures it really well.

29. Prove Yourself - Radiohead Garrus Vakarian

“I can't afford to breathe in this town Nowhere to sit without a gun in my hand Hooked back up to the cathode ray

I'm better off dead “

The absolute rock bottom mental state Garrus is in when you get back to him in ME2 is so heartwrenching. Might not always agree with my boy’s methods, but he’s one of my favorite fictional characters of all time.

30. Rat a Tat - Fallout Boy Feat. Courtney Love Jack

“We are professional ashes of roses, this kerosene's live You settled your score, this is where you come to beg”

It helps that Courtney Love sounds exactly like Jack to me, NGL.

31. Defeat You - Smash Mouth Grunt

“Hey I know what you've done It makes it that much better to defeat you “

Only I am brave enough to put two songs by Smash Mouth on the same playlist, to be shared in 2021

32. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New Horizon/The Virmire Survivor

“If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand Hope you find out what you want Already know what I am “

Hits harder if you romanced the Virmire Survivor. Mostly from Shep’s perspective. This is a Shep that feels Bad after that encounter rather than Mad, so Your Mileage May Vary.

33. Violet Stars Happy Hunting! - Janelle Monae Tali’zorah vas Neema

“I'm an alien from outer space I'm a cyber-girl without a face a heart or a mind”

I just like the vibes of this one for Tali! I know it’s more about an actual AI but...IDK. I like it. So there.

34. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd Thane Krios

“There is no pain you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon”

This song works both on a Literal level with his Kepral’s syndrome struggles, but also Metaphorical re: his Battle Sleep. Plus, Thane is a dad, so he gets Dad Rock.

35. My Medea - Vienna Teng Samara

“For I have made her prison be Her every step away from me And this child I would destroy If you tried to set her free “

Mom of the year award, here

36. Toxic - Britney Spears Morinth

“There's no escape, I can't wait I need a hit, baby, give me it You're dangerous, I'm loving it”

If Morinth weren’t so under-utilized after recruitment and didn’t get killed off in the background of ME3 I’d probably actually recruit her sometimes. I almost did on my most recent playthru bc that Shepard just HATES SPACE COPS. Anyway the song explains itself

37. Turn me On - David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj EDI/The Collector Attack

“My body needs a hero Come and save me Something tells me you know how to save me”

I know this song is a metaphor but also it works really well both literally and metaphorically for Joker saving EDI

38. Robots - Dan Mangan Legion

“Robots need love too They want to be loved by you “

The Geth just want to live peacefullyyyyyy 

39. Be Still - The Killers Love Interest Theme

“Be still / someday you’ll leave fearlessness on your sleeve”

This song works so well for the night before Omega-4. If you had an ME2 love interest, anyway. Also “fearlessness on your sleeve” is one of my favorite set of words ever written.

40. No Cars Go - Arcade Fire The Omega-4 Relay

“We know a place no spaceships go We know a place where no subs go “

This one’s pretty literal.

41. Rocketman - Elton John Suicide Mission

“ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home “

I like sneaking some Classics onto my playlists, and I think this is how I generally approach Shepard’s mindset during the Suicide Mission, mostly the chorus. I’m also a sucker for ballads during action sequences. This one isn’t a perfect 1:1 but the Vibes check out.

42. Blast Off - David Guetta feat. Kaz James The Normandy Crew

“Got all my people with me And none of us give a fuck So put dem hands up higher Let's smash this party up”

You have to imagine they partied HARD after recovering from Suicide Mission, but before Shep got arrested, right??? This is the Starships for ME2.

INTERLUDE THE SECOND

43. I’m Not Your Hero - Tegan and Sara Liara T’soni

“ Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart Learning all I know now, losing all I did I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead “

This feels like a good coming of age moment for Liara, as she copes with the choices she made in the 2 years of Shepard’s death (giving them to Cerberus), losing Feron, etc. This is her coming into her own as the Shadow Broker. She’s not meant to be an uncomplicated Big Damn Hero, but she can do good from this position.

44. The Well and the Lighthouse - Arcade Fire The Alpha Relay Incident

“I'm serving time All for a crime I did commit You want the truth? You know I'd do it all again“

These opening lines I feel capture the Alpha Relay Incident really well, and how Shepard did what they HAD to do there, and would do it again, but it still feels like shit. I always wished there was more choice on that mission, but also, having something like that happen without player agency is interesting. Shepard is at their most interesting, I think, in times where we DON’T have a say in what happens to them.

45. Reignite - Malukah Commander Shepard

“Crush my heart into embers, and I will reignite”

Is it cheating to use a Mass Effect fan song on my playlist? I certainly don’t think so, and this is the best Mass Effect fan song ever written.

THIRD MOVEMENT - MASS EFFECT 3

46. This Is War - Thirty Seconds to Mars Leaving Earth

“It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie The moment to live and the moment to die The moment to fight, the moment to fight To fight, to fight, to fight “

It feels Too Easy to use this here but I’m gonna anyway. You’ve seen AMVs of this set to everything. It’s the ending song of DA:O. It’s the quintessential World At War song.

47. Battleborn - The Killers James Vega

“Up against the wall There's something dying on the street When they knock you down You're gonna get back on your feet”

James Vega is massively underrated and I will love him til I’m cold in the ground. Aro icon.

48. Handlebars - Flobots The Illusive Man

“I can hand out a million vaccinations Or let 'em all die of exasperation Have 'em all healed of their lacerations Have 'em all killed by assassination”

The way this song escalates fits TIM and Cerberus’s fall back into being Just Full On Evil really well. Perfect song for a power trip.

49. Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - The Decemberists The Virmire Survivor

“And I am nothing of a builder But here I dreamt I was an architect And I built this balustrade To keep you home, to keep you safe From the outside world”

I like this song for how the Virmire Survivor feels about their survivor’s guilt and also about Shepard. I honestly wish they were both more heavily utilized in ME2 and 3, but I realize it’s hard to write a ton of content for characters who just aren’t in half of all peoples’ playthrus.

50. Heaven Knows - The Pretty Reckless Grisson Academy

“One, two, three and four, the devil's knocking at your door Caught in the eye of a dead man's lie Show your life with your head held high“

This song is so perfect for Jack and her biotic kids that she’s one of the only returning characters that gets her own song on this playlist

51. The Great Fire - OK Go Javik

“But when the flames die down, and everything is gone, Will there be fire under the ashes still?”

Self explanatory. Javik is the fire remaining under the ashes.

52. Bring the Hammer Down - Paragon Priority: Tuchanka/Kalros

“ Hammer strikes the anvil A rage that breaks the chain Strikes down like a lightening In our ranks “

KALROOOOOS

53. Wake Up - Arcade Fire Curing The Genophage/Mordin Solus

“If the children don't grow up, Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up. We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turnin' every good thing to Rust I guess we'll just have to adjust”

I just really love this song as an image of Mordin’s spirit looking out over Tuchanka as the genophage cure is dispersed, and watching over future generations. If you didn’t cure the genophage, how dare you. No song for you.

Anyway started tearing up listening to this one while writing the description don’t look at me

54. Ballad of a Politician - Regina Spektor Councillor Udina/Priority Citadel 2

“A man inside a room is shaking hands with other men This is how it happens/Our carefully laid plans”

traitor

55. Cyborgs vs. Robots - Ludo The Geth-Quarian War

“But your iron fist will never knock me down 'Cause I'm powered By a conscious right to conduct my life without fear.”

This is probably a bit silly for this awful war. But also. It does fit. You can’t tell me it doesn’t. Just save them both at the end and you can feel fine having some fun with it!

56. Artificial Heart - Jonathan Coulton The Geth

“It's not a real heart It is a real artificial heart”

Just a little fun with the Geth! This works best with Reaper Upgrades.

57. With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Anderson, Jim Sturgess The Citadel DLC

“What do you see when you turn out the light? I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends”

I happen to prefer this version to any other because of how much fun it sounds like they’re having

58. Dark In Here - The Mountain Goats Priority: Earth

“Steal away at sundown, pick a place to hide Check for signs of ambush, hunker down inside Tired of running, tired of never standing still Hear them riding up the hill“

You know I had to get the Goats in here. Would it be a fan playlist if there wasn’t one?

59. Adieu - Yoko Kanno Leaving your Love Interest/Shepard and the Beam

“My love for you burns deep inside me / So strong Embers of times we had And now, here I stand / Lost in a memory I see your face, and smile”

...do I need to say more than that?

60. My Way (Minor Key) - Chase Holfelder The Indoctrination of The Illusive Man

“Regrets, I've had a few/But then again, too few to mention I did what I had to do/I saw it through, without exemption“

This cover takes this song from something I tolerate when I hear it to one of my FAVORITE songs. The frenzied way he sings the “through it all” verse is PEAK Indoctrinated TIM.

61. I’m Alive - Disturbed Refusal 

“There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice To change myself, I'd rather die/Though they will not understand”

Honestly I didn’t “get” the Refusal ending until I heard this song, then I was like, OH, I SEE IT ALL SO CLEARLY NOW. This is my favorite in-universe Shepard take on the Refusal ending. I always got it from the player’s perspective of being dissatisfied with the options, but this one puts it into the world for me. This is a Shepard who does not trust the Starchild. This is a Shepard that chooses to end things on their own terms rather than submit to their designs.

62. Machine - Regina Spektor Control 

“I collect my moments Into a correspondence With a mightier power Who just lacks my perspective And who lacks my organics And who covets my defects “

I used to have Adieu here, actually, because like Refusal, I didn’t used to GET the Control ending. Now, I do, in part thanks to hearing this song. I mean, just go look at the full lyrics. If this song hadn’t been written years before the end of Mass Effect 3, I’d swear it was a fan song for it.

63. Maybe Tomorrow - Yuki Kajiura Destroy 

“The moon is gone And the night is still so dark I'm a little bit afraid of tomorrow“

I’m a Destroy Ending person, I won’t lie. Full on “the starchild is a liar and my synthetic friends are FINE” indoctrination theory level destroy ending. But this song is not about that. It’s about the canonical destroy ending, and if you prefer a Shep that survives it, this song’s for you.

This song captures the exhaustion and melancholy of the end of a long journey so well. Shepard is afraid of what comes next, the collateral damage resulting from their actions. But they know that, at least, it’s over now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

64. Waiting For the End - Linkin Park Synthesis

“ I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got”

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. The hardest part of ending is starting again. Oof. Gets me every single time. Shepard finding the resolve to sacrifice themself for the hope of something better, of things not going how they planned, ever, of learning to make peace with that and the people who loved them learning to carry on without them? OOF.

65. Shine - Vienna Teng Epilogue

“Shine with all the untold Hold the light given unto you Find the love to unfold In this broken world we choose“

Vienna Teng is a master of capturing life’s softer emotions, and this fits perfectly with the epilogue scene for me. Tell me again about the Shepard.

“Find the love to unfold in this broken world we choose” has to be one of the greatest lines about the human experience ever written.

[kkruml]

STAY  CH 15

A/N: My word. I’ve written about a dozen iterations of this chapter and deleted them all. Nothing felt right, no next step seemed logical or natural in moving these characters to where I want them to be. With some serious hand holding, love, and, encouragement by @abreathofsnowandwaffles, @missclairebelle and @ecampbellsoup​ I hope I’ve managed to stay true to these characters and this story.

A sincere thank you to anyone out there still reading this story. 9 months is an insane amount of time to wait between chapters so I am really grateful for anyone who still finds this story worthy of their time.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

AO3

Mood Music

Previously

“Ye’ve spent sae many hours scouring my bookcases looking for Laird knows what- this is a better- and more entertaining- use of yer time.”

“More entertaining, you say? For whom, exactly?” Feeling the smile in her voice, he let out a heavy sigh and nuzzled his nose into the curls at the nape of her neck. Her voice was shy as she asked, “Would you show me a few more?”

This just might work.

Slowly, and carefully, he showed her cord after cord. Pausing occasionally as her crude British tongue broke his concentration, he watched her fingers move slowly from string to string. Kissing her shoulder, and feeling confident he had shown her enough cords to pique her interest, he reluctantly disentangled himself from her.

Slowly shuffling to the hall, he turned at the doorway for a final look. He stopped to take her in.

A look of determination set on her face. Her left hand was rotated and gripped the guitar’s neck with purpose. The loose white shirt, his shirt, hung off her shoulder- exposing the faintest of black ink on her shoulder.

Grabbing his phone from his pocket, he swiped the screen and held the phone up. He watched her form come into focus on his screen and hit the shutter button, watching a freeze frame of this moment flicker and disappear.

CLAIRE

Visualize the movement. Breath on the down-stroke. Focus.

You can do this Beauchamp.

Fingers trembled in place as they spread over the strings, stretched and suspended- waiting.

C. G. Am. 

Her fingers struggled to steady as she found the last chord. 

F.

“Ha!” she exclaimed triumphantly as the strings hummed pleasantly under her fingertips. 

“Ye’ll be chargin’ folks to hear ye play before ye know it, Sassenach.” Deep yet playful, she heard his cautiously optimistic tone seep through his breezy banter.

“Don’t distract me,” the words came out but there was no real weight behind them. Just beneath the surface, she could feel- almost touch his eagerness to be near her. He hadn’t broached the subject of sex or intimacy since the accident, save a few small reflexive nuzzles and small kisses into her hair. 

And of course- those three words. 

They hung suspended between them. An intimacy she never dreamed of and yet, there it was. Since that proclamation, she’d felt shy. Unsure of herself and whatever recollections she lost- and with them the moments between them she couldn’t get back.

She pried her eyes open long enough to see a tautness to his jaw, his stubble lining the curve of his cheek, the line beautiful and potent and all at once innocent. A foreign yet familiar sensation pulsed just below her navel. 

All at once, her mind drew vivid images of them tangled in a sea of white. Like the shutter of a camera, flashes of movement filled her vision- her hands locked in his above her head, the motion of his hips against hers, the line of his lip that curled with each pulsation. Feeling like a voyeur into the memories she already had and the dream for the moments she wished to be true, she blinked and looked away.

She’d noticed him observing her for a few days now.  At first, he was watching rugby but the volume was a low hum instead of a raucous roar from the living room. Then it was his finding every excuse to meander to and from the kitchen- offering to refill a barely touched water glass or to inquire about a dram of whisky. 

Finally he set about cleaning the bedroom or rather, shuffling piles of his laundry from the bed to the chair, studiously inspecting the contents of each garment with great effort.  

Her eyes would linger on the nape of his neck, auburn curls kissing the skin as the ripples of muscle flexed under the cotton of his shirt. Like the night they met. A flicker of a memory- or was it a memory? The thought lingered just long enough before fading into the deep like a wave receding from the shore.

Right on cue, Jamie sauntered into the room- whisky in hand. 

Eyeing her glass, he paused before uncorking the bottle and splashing a few drops into the tumbler. Setting the whisky down onto the nightstand, he waited. His hand dropped to his side, index finger drumming against his thigh. Every line in his body was tense and unsure, searching for something. His voice was hoarse but warm, “Did ye… need anything?”

Neach-gleidhidh. 

Guardian.

Cocking her head to the side, her eyes shifted to his face. Smiling, she said, “You call that a proper pour?” 

                                          _________

JAMIE

They were awoken by the melodic whistle of a small Stonechat just outside their window, and the soft sigh next to him that accompanied it filled the room. 

Instinctively, he stretched his limbs to the corners of the bed. Feeling her form next to him, he paused. Still hesitant and unsure, he resisted reaching out to her. He felt her warmth, thrumming and inviting. He thought he felt her sharp intake of breath.

“Oh-Jamie!” Soft, delicate fingers reached for him and settled on his forearm with a gentle ease. Her voice, clear and awake despite the early hour, hummed with a verve that pulsed between them. “I saw there was a pick your own strawberry patch just a few towns away. What do you say to a bit of fresh air?”

Her fingertips burned into his skin. 

Sorcha. 

The sensation was intoxicating. His flesh buzzed with an almost dizzying energy.

She’d resisted leaving the flat for more than her medical follow ups since the accident. A cloud had hung over their flat, a quiet melancholy that melded with moments of comfort. Long stretches of rain cast a shade over the apartment, but this morning was a most welcome hint of spring breaking through. 

“Oh,” he started, trying to wrestle with the excitement in his voice. “I suppose I could.”

“I would kill for some caffeine,” her voice was suddenly small, quiet. “Could we stop for a cuppa on the way?”

Small steps forward, lad.

“Aye Sassenach.”

                                         _________

CLAIRE

Where the bloody hell are his keys?

Fingers impatiently swept across folds of material as they searched through his satchel. A solid metallic rectangle shuffled loose and made a thud against the worn wood floor. The screen lit up and her eyes caught the distinctive pattern of a brick wall, a swirl of curls, and white chucks. 

The night they met. 

The image, his view of her, was staring back at her. Seemingly meaningless but yet, he wanted to take it. To keep it. To keep that snapshot in time, forever. 

Her fingers twitched as she carefully picked up the device, trembling slightly as she swiped the screen as a new image came into view. A profile of her shoulder, a mess of curls interrupting the white ivory skin. Peeking through a tangle of brown, stark lines of black wings seemed to dance across the screen. 

The heron. 

A whisper echoed in the room, a faint but distinctly familiar voice, her father. When in doubt, love, remember the heron. 

Carefully, she set the phone back on the table, face up. Watching the screen dim and fade to black, she let out the breath she had been holding. 

“Are ye ready, Sassenach?” His voice echoed from the hallway and snapped her from her thoughts.

Ready. Was she ready? 

She wasn’t sure. But she needed to get out of their flat. 

Their flat. 

The thought made her smile, and slowly she felt the tension between her shoulders recede. Shoving his phone and keys back into his bag, she grabbed the leather straps and clutched it close to her chest. With a new resolve, she strode towards the door and into the sunshine.

                                          _________

JAMIE

With a new cup of Oolong in one hand and black coffee in the other he hurriedly made his way back to the car, muttering a few course words for the barista- and the fresh and still steaming stain on his pullover. 

This is no’ the time to be mussed up or late… again.

“Thank you,” she said softly, reaching for her tea. Her fingers grazed his and she paused. Like a bolt of lightning coursing through his veins, he flinched but did not draw his hand away. “Though… you were gone so long I feared you had stood me up… again.”

“Och ye see…” he started before he caught the bite of her lip as she smiled. Their second date. “A witch are ye then- able to read my thoughts?”

“A witch- as in green with ruby slippers?” she said with a smirk and fake indignation. Her eyes gazed down at her hand- smooth ivory skin taught the lines on her palm. Her voice softened, “Well no but… perhaps a white one.”

A white witch.

Ban-druidh.

                                         _________

CLAIRE

“Did ye ken the surname ‘Fraser’ isna Scottish?” His voice was wistful, thick with centuries of history behind it.

She paused, watching the sun light his hair in a soft afternoon glow. Meandering through another row of bushes, each step was more tranquil than the last. “Oh wot- no ‘History of Scotland’ lesson today then?”

Letting a most decidedly Scottish grunt speak for him, he crouched down to a nearby plant. Inspecting each strawberry with a nimble index finger and thumb, he turned back to look at her. “There’s nothing more Scottish than yer clan’s history, ye ken.”

She could see the story bubbling from within him. She longed for the lilt of his voice as he expounded centuries of Scottish history. Yearning to hear more yet reticent to seem too eager, she exhaled and gave an exaggerated eye roll for good measure. “Oh aye… And?”

A deep hum rolled in his chest and his lip pulled at the corner, giving way to a heart stopping smile. It took her breath away. 

This man. 

The cock of his head, the set of his shoulders. The look in his eye. She’d seen that look before. A heady stare, behind it held whispers in the dark and promises made between them in early hours of the morning. A truth between them. A promise. 

This man loves me.

He settled back onto his heels, his knees pressed into the soil and his hands resting on his thighs. She recognized the posture- it was the same he adopted when regaling her of tales of his time in France with his brother-in-law Ian, and when settling in with a dram of whisky while telling stories of his time at Uni.

Pulled to him like a magnet, she knelt down beside him. Leaning forward with anticipation, an honest smile spread across her lips.

“Ye see, Sassenach… I am a Highlander- born and bred. But our name ‘Fraser’ is French. A Monsieur Fresiliere came across from France wi’ King WIlliam. ‘Tis a long story, but he took a piece of the Scottish mountains. Part of that land included what became Lallybroch.” His shoulders straightened with pride, his voice dripping with humor. “Even if our tower doesna have a face.”

North-facing tower. 

She had studied that one. Had repeated it over and over to herself since he took her to his childhood home. 

“Turarach.” She said softly to herself. 

                                       _________

JAMIE

Had he not etched that word into his heart as a wee lad, he might have missed it. But there it was- clear as day.

He taught her that word. 

He took her home when Jenny had her bairn. They had spent the day exploring Lallybroch, and he had taken her to the broch- or what remained of it. He had painstakingly repeated the word to her, syllable by syllable. And he watched her English tongue stumble over the vowels in a most endearing way. 

Clearing his throat, he attempted to collect himself. “Och, aye lass. I see ye’ve kept up yer studies.”

Her eyes widened and a soft shade of blush spread across her cheeks. “Well…there’s only so much Rugby I can watch without taking to your bookshelf for solace.” 

Or my guitar.

His heart constricted as he watched her face struggle to maintain composure. “Are ye makin’ fun of me?”

Fighting a smile, she replied, “Oh I would never, Monsieur Fréselière.”

He shifted towards her. “Monsieur is it? I seem to remember ye called me Laird.”

                                      _________

CLAIRE

A memory. 

Safely tucked under dark linens and surrounded by the stone walls of his childhood room, she’d had a glimpse into the past. Splashes of tartan mixed with the heat of campfire and starlight filled her vision. In that moment she’d called him ‘Laird,’ and felt the prophecy behind it. 

The weight of his gaze burned her skin.The safe haven of that room, the intimacy of that moment filled the space between them. Blinking her way into the present and determined to meet his stare, she countered, “Did I?”

“Oh aye.” The mood shifted as he breathed out the words, an almost palpable energy pulsated between them. A deep purr erupted from his chest, his accent thick. “I felt more whole in that moment than I had in a long time.” 

Whole.

The word danced around the corners of her mind. Her eyes shifted from him to the golden hues splashed across the sky. Was she whole? Twisting her wrist for inspection, she felt no sharp pain, just a dull ache from use. 

No longer broken. 

Now came the recovery. As a doctor she had seen the scans, she knew the rehabilitation trajectory. Yet here, with him, the statistics and analytical journal findings faded from mental view. Here, in this moment, she was simply Claire. With Jamie. Her Jamie. An overwhelming sense of calm washed over her.

“I think I know exactly what you mean,” drawing her gaze back to him, she exhaled contentedly. Instinctively, her hand reached out for his, taking it gently. “Thank you, Jamie.”

“Och, ‘tis nothing lass.” Dirt-stained fingertips pressed into her skin. His warmth encompassed her.

“Jamie…” she started, her eyes lowering to see their fingers intertwined. Blinking hard and tilting her face to meet his, she finished, “I don’t just mean for today.”

An echo of a smile tugged at his lips and he exhaled.

“Dinna fash, Sassenach,” His voice hummed, soft and tender. “There’s the two of us now.”

His words were so simple. But there was something in the blue of his eyes that spoke to the depth of his meaning. Her breath caught as she felt the same weight of prophecy to his words.

[guardianofjunmyeon]

Finding Atlantis (part 11)

Genre: Action/Adventure, Enemies to Lovers, PirateAU

Description: 20 years ago the seas became angry. Unruly and unkind to any sailor, to any ship that dared venture too far out in her waters. Many a man has heard the tales of Atlantis, the lost city, the key the ocean. But fewer men know the tale of it’s missing child. The key to the ocean, the key to Atlantis but a lost little one. The power one would hold should they find this child would be nearly that of Poseidon himself. Thus, the hunt began.  

A/N: another quick update hoohoo. The next update will be shorter bc i cut this in half (read: 2/3 and 1/3). No warnings this is just smth cute

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18

The two dinghies pulled on land is a welcome sight after all the hours you’ve spent at the mercy of the sirens.

Unfortunately, it seems as though your group is the first to have returned.

“Take them back to the ship. I’ll wait here for Minseok and Seulgi.” Kyungsoo instructs Baekhyun. He almost seems like the Captain of the two –his expression schooled and words confident.

You make a move towards Kyungsoo to offer your help when you feel fingertips press into your side, placating. Biting your tongue you hold in your words. The fingers relax against your side. Kyungsoo offers you a reassuring smile as if he can read the concern on your face.

“We’ll head back as soon as we’re all accounted for,” he says directly to you. He places a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder and you take the opportunity to slip from Baekhyun’s hold –from his skinny fingers burning their touch into your side. Offering your own nod of acceptance, you turn away from the two of them to avoid having to meet either of their eyes.

You watch as Jongin collapses in the small boat waiting to take you back to your ship. Chanyeol folds his arms across his chest, watches carefully as you take a few steps in his direction. “Won’t he need backup of some kind?” you ask Chanyeol through the exhaustion seeping further into your muscles. You tilt your head towards the two men who came to save you.

Chanyeol smiles a tiny but profoundly proud smile. “No, Kyungsoo has got it. He’s a lot tougher than he looks.” His eyes shine as he looks beyond you. You follow his gaze and then immediately look down at your boots when you catch the fond look Kyungsoo sends to the taller; clearly having overheard his words.

Waddling over to the boat to collapse at Jongin’s side you decide not to dwell on the look. If Chanyeol thinks that Kyungsoo can handle himself then…you’ll trust them.

Baekhyun isn’t as easily convinced of his safety as you. “One hour. If I don’t see you all rowing back by then, I’m coming back for you,” he says sternly.

“Ay Captain,” Kyungsoo laughs out.

Kyungsoo is crushed in a hug by Chanyeol and then a shortened one by Baekhyun before they retreat to the boat where Jongin is fighting off sleep at your side.

Baekhyun takes control of the oars while Chanyeol pushes the boat into the water. As Kyungsoo’s figure gets smaller and farther away, you feel dread settling in your chest. The wave he sends your way feels more foreboding than you’re able to dwell on.

When you can no longer see him, and the sounds of nature surround you, you begin to feel sleep tugging you down into unconsciousness. Chanyeol and Baekhyun talk in quiet voices, but none of the words register in your mind –only the fact that they’re having a hushed conversation. Jongin inevitably dozes off and you stay awake, just so that you can watch your ship come into view.

Docked beyond the rock and reef of the island, it sits lazily atop the water. Its dark sails almost blend into the black of the night.

Baekhyun rows you all to safety the entirety of the near hour it takes to get to the ship. The distance from where Kyungsoo waits for the rest of your crew to your vessel is farther than you anticipated.

Once the conversation between Baekhyun and Chanyeol has died off, you feel the shift in energy as everyone prepares to wait for the other half of the rescue team to arrive.

You shake Jongin awake and Chanyeol helps you begin the climb up the side of the ship. Baekhyun works on securing the boat.

As soon as both of your feet are on deck, Yixing is at your side holding you in a firm hug.

“You made it,” he sighs out in relief.

“Barely.” You grimace and let your muscles give in. You fall with an uncoordinated drop to the ground. Jongin crawls up the ladder and lies face flat on your right. Not even half awake as he lifted himself on deck. Chanyeol and Baekhyun have to step over him just to get on the ship. They plop on the ground not far from you –Baekhyun catching his breath and Chanyeol finally succumbing to the exertion used throughout the day. The adrenaline running out and jelly settling in his bones. Your own adrenaline ran out long ago.

“Can you make it to the infirmary?” Yixing asks, crouched down in front of you.

You think that you could, but honestly you really don’t fucking feel like it. “No, not right now.”

Yixing nods empathetically and pats your calf. “I’ll bring the supplies out here then. Wait for me,” he instructs. Standing up and looking quickly over the four of you sprawled across the deck, he kicks Baekhyun in the leg with his boot. “Get up and gauge injuries. I’ll be back.”

A long suffering groan is the only reply he gets.

You close your eyes and rest your back against the wooden railing of the ship.

The rest of your crew is nowhere to be seen. It doesn’t surprise you. If you had to guess you would assume that it was anywhere from 2 to 4 in the morning. What’s the point in everyone on the crew staying awake above deck with worry when only a handful of people are reasonably needed for a rescue mission?

If anything, you hope that everyone else is getting plenty of rest so that when Junmyeon is brought back, you all can continue the mission. You can’t afford another chunk of lost time like that after you and Baekhyun were rescued from the island. You’re a week behind your nonexistent schedule. You hope that the lost time won’t be detrimental to the mission.

The feeling of a hand gently grabbing your forearm shakes you from your thoughts. You open your eyes figuring Yixing is back to look at your injuries. You don’t expect to be met with the sight of Baekhyun looking down at the blood encrusting your wrist with a small frown on his face.

You notice that your hand is shaking in his grasp. Clenching your fist and pulling away to try and hide it, you’re immediately met with resistance.

“Don’t,” he murmurs. His grip on your arm doesn't relax until you stop trying to pull away. From the corner of your eye you see Yixing tending to Jongin while Chanyeol dozes off on his back at Yixing’s side.

With long and careful fingers, Baekhyun turns over your hand to look at the full damage of your wound before his frown deepens and he lets out a puff of air.

“What?”

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

You yank your hand away from him and hold back a hiss of pain at the stinging it causes your wrist. He lets out another breath of air, this one more annoyed than the last.

He reaches out and yanks both of your arms towards him, and when you let out a noise of pain his irked expression melts into something softer. Something apologetic.

This time you don’t fight him as he takes a look at your reddened, cracking skin. “You’re an idiot,” he emphasizes again, looking into your eyes pointedly. You frown. “But I’m going to help you heal anyway.”

“Thanks,” you breathe out sarcastically.

He settles on his butt and drags a bucket that had been partially hidden behind him to his side. You fold your legs beneath yourself and let your arms lie limp between the two of you. He twists out the water from the rag sitting in the bucket. You hear Chanyeol whining somewhere near you and Yixing hushing him like a parent would their noisy child.

The feeling of the cold rag on your skin forces you to focus your attention fully on the man in front of you. Baekhyun wipes farthest from the actual wound and works inward.

It doesn’t start to hurt until he begins to wash off the thick layer of blood that had caked right above where the rope dug in the deepest.

The sting is so abrupt that you straighten in your spot and choke out a pitiful moan of anguish. His eyes flicker from your wrist to your face only momentarily. “You deserve this for turning your wrist into shredded meat,” he laments.

“Fuck you,” you whimper out.

His lips quirk up in amusement. The rag dips into the bucket; red seeps into the once clear water staining it crimson. Baekhyun presses it to your skin again. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did before.

A pout settles on his lips as he concentrates on disinfecting and bandaging your wounds. You watch his face closely as he works in silence. The careful cleaning of your blood, the attentive way he tries to avoid hurting you where he can, the soft and reassuring press of his fingertips against your skin when you tense in pain. All of the actions only reaffirm the truth you’ve come to accept.

You like Baekhyun.

You fucking like Baekhyun.

You like Baekhyun and you told Jongin and Chanyeol.

You like Baekhyun and he’s cleaning the blood from your skin with so much care that you could trick yourself into believing that he actually cares about you.

He’s probably just tired and being gentle because he lacks the energy to be a dick. That would be reason enough for you –after all he did row the four of you an hour to safety. Even you wouldn’t have the energy to continue hating someone after that.

When the bandage is done being wrapped and the blood is no longer coating your arms, Baekhyun stands up and tosses the dirty water into the ocean.

“Captain, we’ll get you all something to eat and drink, but first we should get each of you to a bed,” Yixing says gently. You can only nod at his words –body giving in to exhaustion. “You take the Captain and I’ll get Sehun to come help me get Chanyeol and Jongin below deck.”

“Me?” Baekhyun asks in shock.

“Yes, you-”

“Yixing I can walk there on my own it’s really fi-” Yixing’s glare is enough to quiet you instantly.

“I said: you take the Captain to her room. Someone will bring you food afterwards,” his pitch drops angrily.

Baekhyun squats back down immediately to hoist you to your feet. You put as much energy as you have left into getting up. When Baekhyun’s arm is wrapped around you again and you’re leaning into his side, Yixing breaks out into a pleased grin. Smiling as if his voice hadn’t been threatening a minute before.

“Good. Now go,” he commands. Baekhyun nods quickly and ushers you towards your quarters.  

You hobble out from under his arm and flop heavily onto your bed as he closes the door behind himself. Baekhyun leans against your closed door and lets out an exhale.

“That man is fucking terrifying,” he says.

“There’s a reason he’s quartermaster,” you manage to say. Yixing seems nothing but gentle and kind. Despite the fact that he genuinely is gentle and kind, it’s also a mask that he uses to fool others. A facade he knowingly uses to his advantage. Behind Minseok, Yixing is the most experienced with a gun, and behind you, the best with a blade.

He’s smart about when he actually decides to strike, and can be more cold-blooded than he lets on, but he is still the sweetest person you have ever come to know.

The urge to change clothes and fall asleep in bed is stronger now that you’re surrounded by the familiarity of your room, but you have to stay awake until Junmyeon arrives. Your clothes are dirty with blood of all kinds; dirt and mud coats you like a second skin.

You bend down to unlace your boots. You figure it’s the least you can do to get comfortable until all your men are present and accounted for. It hurts a bit to flex and bend your wrists, but it’s not unbearable. The stinging from where the rope was rubbing into your abdomen is a bit more apparent now. It has turned into the most painful part of moving your body.

A smack to the back of your hand has you pulling away from your shoes.

“You do know that you can ask for help every now and then right?” Baekhyun grumbles out. You open your mouth to protest and utter out a ‘what the fuck?’ when he bends down to unlace your shoes for you.

“What are you doing?”

“Helping you take your shoes off. I’m sure it hurts to bend like that.”

You pause. He slips the first boot off your foot and tosses it haphazardly to the side. “Baekhyun!” you scold.

“Relax. It’s just a shoe.”

The other comes off and gets tossed to the side more aggressively than the first. When you snort at the careless treatment of your boot, Baekhyun smiles and hides it behind a cough and scrunch of his nose.

“You smell rancid,” he says.

“You don't exactly smell like lavender or fresh bread either-”

“Shut up.”

“You started it.”

A pause.

“I’ll get you water so that you can clean yourself up. Wait here.” He moves towards the door and then quickly turns around to point at you with narrowed eyes. “Do not fucking move.”

You roll your eyes and wave him away with weak flicks of your fingers.

Once he’s gone you count to 15 before standing on your feet, walking to your mirror, and lifting your shirt to look at the rough darkening line that colors the top of your abdomen. It isn’t bleeding, but you can tell that it will bruise darker and be tender for days to come. Prodding at it with gentle fingertips you grimace at the pain any touch creates.

You do know that you can ask for help every now and then right?

You scoff out a laugh. As if he’d help even if you asked.

The two of you are friendly now, as you have to be given the circumstances. You doubt that any kindness Baekhyun offers you extends passed respectful ally-ship for the sake of your crews.

You can’t read his mind. You don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling, but his actions lend towards your theory of civil respect. Nothing less, but definitely nothing more.

How you ended up being the one liking him one-sidedly you’ll never fucking understand, but it bothers the ever-loving fuck out of you.  

Your door is pushed open without preamble and Baekhyun stumbles in balancing food in one hand, a bucket and a cup of water in the other.

He looks so dumb.

He looks cute.

“Need help?” you ask.

“I got it,” he puffs out.

Hypocrite.

The cup spills out half of its contents when he sits it on the table. The food doesn’t spill but it clatters noisily as it’s set down clumsily. He sits the large bucket of water on the ground roughly as if it has personally angered him. First collecting his breath and glaring down at the bucket for a second longer, he then turns around to face you.

“I thought I told you not to move.”

“I didn’t realize you were my master,” you reply petulantly. Shuffling over and downing what’s left of the water in the cup, you smack your lips in satisfaction.

Baekhyun grumbles under his breath and sits heavily in the chair next to you while you continue to stand and pick at the food on the tray.

Vegetable buns and porridge. Boring, but it will fill you up.

“Are you not sitting because of bruise on your stomach?” Baekhyun asks out of nowhere. The bun you were holding up to your mouth after a bite gets stuck in your throat.

“What?” you cough out in horror. How did he find out?

He reaches towards the hem of your shirt and you flinch away. He balls his hand around air and brings it back to his lap. For a second, you feel bad for your reaction, but you cover it up by busying yourself with rearranging the half eaten bun next to the untouched one.

“Chanyeol and Jongin also have bruises around where the rope was tied around you all.” You frown down at the food at his words. “Were you not going to mention it?”

You know this is heading towards an argument.

You exhale and turn your body to face him head on.

“To you? No. I probably would have told Yixing if it got bad enough,” you say evenly.

His expression turns sour. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“If it got bad enough? Means if I-”

“No. You know exactly what I’m talking about,” he cuts in.

You exhale to calm the beating of your heart, pumping double time in preparation for yet another screaming match that you know is inevitable. “You and I both know that you’re just here being nice for the sake of everyone else. I know you don’t really care or want to bother patching me up, so I don’t bother asking for you to put in any more effort than necessary. Yeah, I’m bruised and it hurts to touch. What do you care? What does it matter if you know or not? It’s not like I’m going to die of it and it’s not like it would affect you in any way.”

Baekhyun closes his eyes and roughly drags his fingers through his bangs. Holding in a shout through closed lips, he sounds like he’s growling in frustration.

You clench your fist, bracing yourself for the explosion.

But…

It never comes.

Baekhyun doesn’t shout, he doesn’t scream, he doesn’t curse. All he does…is laugh. A short tired laugh. More an exhale of breath than a laugh really.

You deflate in confusion. Fingers uncurling, eyebrows rising, head cocking to the side.

“You’re right. It doesn’t matter if I know or not. It doesn’t matter and it doesn’t affect me in any way. I just-” He brushes both of his hands through his hair and lets out a long suffering sigh. “Whatever. I’m tired of arguing with you.”

He walks towards the door and you stare, mouth agape. He’s…not going to fight you? “I- Baekhyun wait I-” you reach out to grab the sleeve of his shirt. You barely catch any of the material between your thumb and index finger.

He stops but doesn’t turn around. “Baekhyun, look at me…please.”

Trying to lessen the distance and get a better hold of his shirt you walk closer. He refuses to face you.

You have to thread your fingers through his to get him to react to you. His eyes close and he groans quietly in defeat before turning around. “I…I…”

“What? What do you want? Just let me go.”

He pulls but you hold on tighter. Knuckles going light from how tight you’re gripping his fingers. “What do you want?” he asks again.

“I don't…I don’t know. I …” your voice catches in your throat.

He scoffs in disbelief.

“Let me go-”

“No!” You squeeze his hand again in yours and look down where the warmth of his hand seeps into yours. “No…” you repeat again, softer. More honest. More vulnerable. You bite your lip to hold back the words that want to slip out. Keeping your fingers twined, you let your free hand rest on his arm.

There’s no talking. Only your rapid breaths as you think through your next movement. You don’t know how long he’ll stand there before walking off and leaving you alone in your room. Alone with all the words that you’re too cowardly to say.

You slide your hand from his arm to his shoulder. From his shoulder to his neck.

A shiver runs through his body as he leans into the touch. His neck has always been sensitive. You’ve known that about him for years.

His fingers squeeze against yours. When you finally make it to his face, hand cupping his cheek as you look into his eyes and hope –no you pray that maybe what you can’t say you can show.

Show through your actions. Show through your eyes.

You take a step forward to close the last of the distance between you, chests touching. Hearts pumping, chests rising and falling as one. His fingers slip from yours and rest heavily at the small of your back, holding you even closer.

He exhales shakily, tongue peeking out to wet his lips.

“Is this your way of asking to kiss me?” he asks –nervousness uncharacteristically creeping in at the edges. You smile softly. You thumb at his bottom lip and watch his mouth fall open in response to the touch. His stupid wet stupid pink lips.

“Can…can I?” you breathe out.

“You’ve never had to ask before,” he whispers a breath away from your lips.

You want a taste of him again. You want to surround yourself with him and to never forget the sight of him, the smell of him, the feeling of him. You want him. Every piece of him. The annoying argumentative side. The ugly jealous side. The headstrong proud side. The beautiful caring side. The sweet kind side.

All of it.

You’d just have to lean in a bit more to complete the kiss. Just a centimeter more.

“Captain! Junmyeon is back!”

You pull away and smack a hand to Baekhyun’s mouth to push his face away from yours.

“Junmyeon!?” Excitement runs through your veins, the moment from mere moments ago already evaporated. You don’t even care that Yeri just walked in and caught you in a semi-compromising position with Baekhyun.

Junmyeon is back.

You shove passed Baekhyun to run beyond Yeri and out to the main deck. You don’t care that your abdomen smarts or that Baekhyun lets out a sound of frustration behind you.

You have to make sure that Junmyeon is okay. You have to see him with your own eyes.

You stumble out to the main deck and look around the lantern lit ship frantically. You finally catch sight of him held on both sides by Kyungsoo and Minseok. Seulgi is standing in front of Yixing, mouth moving rapidly as she motions wildly from Junmyeon to Yixing. Her hair matted with blue blood and a red slice down her arm, thick with drying blood.

Your excited stumbling slows to a worried walk as you take in the scene. Junmyeon’s left leg is lifted a bit off the ground and his expression is twisted in pain. There’s fresh blood on his cheek and his clothes are heavy with what you hope is water. Minseok and Kyungsoo look drained at his sides. Purple streaks their skin, a mix of their blood and that of the sirens.

At least they’re all real.

Minseok sees you coming first.

“Captain! You’re okay!”

You smile sadly. “I should be the one saying that. You all look terrible…”

Kyungsoo laughs out tiredly. Junmyeon smiles dazedly. He looks beat.

You punch him in the chest.

“Ouch!”

“Dumb fuck. Getting pushed off the ship,” you growl out.

He smiles lazily. “I missed you too.”

He unloops himself from Kyungsoo and Minseok to hop over and wrap you in a weak hug. You hug him back just as gently, holding in tears that threaten to spill out and over. “You had me so worried.”

“I know, but I’m okay. We’re okay,” he tries to soothe. Pulling away you cup his cheeks and scan his face sadly. He’s dirty and looks as dead tired as you’re sure he feels. You brush the hair off his forehead tenderly and thumb off a spot of mud on his cheek. “You should let me go. I think your boyfriend is getting jealous again,” he tries to joke, but his voice comes out weak.

“Again?” you question as he limps back to Minseok. Wait… “Boyfriend?!” you hiss.

Despite his exhaustion, despite how awful a day it’s been, Junmyeon laughs. He can still manage to laugh.

“Junmyeon, stop moving around,” Yixing barks out.

You see Baekhyun walking up to your side with his arms over his chest and a childish pout on his lips. Even if you didn’t know him as well as you do, you’d be able to tell that he’s upset.

Boyfriend.

You cringe and take an inconspicuous step farther away from him.

“Is he going to be alright Yixing?” Seulgi asks.

Yixing prods at Junmyeon’s obviously injured leg. “His leg is broken, but he’ll be alright. I’ll have to reset it and look him over for any other injuries, but it doesn’t seem any worse than that.”

“We’ll give you the debriefing in the morning Cap’n. I think everyone needs a good night’s sleep,” Minseok offers.

“Yeah…let’s…reconvene in the morning. Everyone wash up, attend to your injuries and then we’ll get everyone together and figure out what the fuck happened and what the fuck we’re going to do next.” You reach toward the bruise growing in pain on your stomach but lower your fingers when you feel Baekhyun’s eyes on you from your periphery. You clear your throat. “Let’s try to keep moving. We can’t let this slow us down for long.”

“I’ll take care of Junmyeon. You all go rest,” Yixing says, taking it upon himself to guide your injured first mate to the infirmary.

You wait in your place until nearly everyone has cleared the deck.

Nearly everyone.

“Baekhyun,” you call. He startles in his spot still pouting at your side. You sigh and lick your lips nervously. He blinks down at them dumbly. “I need help getting my clothes off so that I can bathe.”

A toothy smile plasters itself across his face and you want to kiss him.

God. Stupid. So fucking dumb.

“Don’t say anything. Just help me out of my clothes and then fucking leave my room so I can clean up.”

He nods slowly. “Yeah of course. Why else would you want me to help get you naked- ouch.”

You scowl and raise your fist to punch him in the chest again. “Don’t make me regret asking for your help.”

He smiles again, gentler, eyes shining with an emotion you haven’t seen since you were on the island together. When he brings his hand up to your fist and wedges his fingers between yours to bring your intertwined digits down, you let him.

Mostly shocked, and a bit flustered by the action, you gape at him.

“Let’s go.” With another squeeze of your fingers that sends tingles up your spine you let Baekhyun guide you back to your room.

[theastrophilearchitect]

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Writing journey #4.

15/05/2021 07.22 My break has officially been over for five days, and i have done some writing, but it’s been incredibly inconsistent, so I decided to start this blog post over. Bay Tree has been archived, and though FSB isn’t done, I’ve realised I need to take a step back. It’s why writers leave weeks at a time between drafts--so when they return, they’re in a different mindset, and can improve their work.

For this same reason, I need to take a step back before I finish my outline. My thought process is becoming monotonous, which means I’m losing my excitement. When you start a project, you have the idea in your head as perfect, and when those ‘vibes’ become tangible, it is less exciting. That’s unavoidable. But I just need to take a step back, so when I return, I have fresh ideas, and the plot becomes more exciting to me.

So today, I’m going to start brainstorming a new idea I had, which I don’t have an alias for yet, and I have an idea to essentially bind every project I have together, but not in Grishaverse- or Shadowhunters-style where you need to read ten books just to read the one you want. Just a nod to anyone who does read multiple, like when Aelin falls through worlds and sees Rhys and Feyre for a split second.

So. Let’s brainstorm.

My plan, I think, is to alternate weekly. This week, I’ll work on the new one, next week I’ll do FSB. I could just take this new idea and apply it to FSB, except I just don’t see how that would work. I have different worlds in mind, and this new one is a fantasy where FSB is sci-fi(/fantasy. It’s kinda both).

16/05/2021 07.07 I really wish I was a pantser. Even though I haven’t got to the editing stage, my favourite part of writing is implementing new ideas and making changes, but I’m just not a pantser. I need to know where each part is going. Instead, I have to sit here, brainstorming, for days, to figure everything out.

18/05/2021 07.06 I did a lot of work on the 16th, but I was busy yesterday, and didn’t get any writing done, because, when I was free, I was just reading. So, I’ve decided I’m going to at least write before I leave the house, which gives me about 45 minutes this morning. 

23/05/2021 18.30 Based on the fact it has been five days, I think you can tell how good I’ve been about keeping writing. The problem is that I don’t actually have much past a concept for my new project, so I’m trying to figure out how, precisely, I could merge the two projects. FSB is interesting, but doesn’t have a huge amount of depth, which adding the characters from the new project would absolutely do, while the new project is lacking plot, which FSB (at least the first book I’ve planned) does. So, I’m going to start a new Scrivener project, and consider how I can merge the two concepts while implementing both plots.

Is it too much? I have only two main characters in FSB, but five in the newer one, which gives me seven main characters, divided into three groups. And do I want to write a book with so many separate storylines? I know readers (myself included) always end up favouring one storyline over another, getting annoyed when certain POVs come up. I don’t know what to do.

I could keep the new project, but implement FSB? Hold up. New Project (NP) has two protagonists who could undergo a similar development to the protagonists of FSB... I had a plan for the male protagonist of FSB, his arc, which wouldn’t work for NP’s male protagonist, but would work perfectly for its female protagonist...

Tumblr’s glitching. It wouldn’t let me reblog a post earlier, and now it won’t let me save this draft. Please, no.

Okay, so I had to copy what I’d written for today, disconnect and reconnect to the Wi-Fi, then wait for my drafts to load to paste it. Going great!

21.00 So I didn’t get a huge amount done, because I caught up doing ~evening things~, but I at least have a plan going forward, which is an accomplishment

30/05/2021 09.29 I’ve spent the last couple weeks doing everything I can to avoid writing, but i now have an insane amount of free time, so I have no excuse. I want to use this time in a productive way, and, for me, that means writing.

03/06/2021 10.31 I swear to god, I’ve had ‘writing’ on my to-do list every single day, except not doing it is probably my own fault, because it’s been so far down on the list. Also, I’m doing a buddy read, but am also unfortunately descending into a reading slump, so even reading 50 pages takes me about 90 minutes--they’re not even long pages.

I actually went back onto my old Wattpad account earlier, where I found a load of old, unfinished stuff, but none of it was as bad as I thought it would be, and the ideas weren’t bad. I just really have no idea what it is I’m writing right now, and I hate trying to figure it out.

11.30 There are so many Ss in the word ‘assassin’ this is not okay.

This is actually going so well. I have two storylines in my head, a complex cast of characters, and I’m so looking forward to plotting this.

04/06/2021 08.04 Look at me, two days in a row. Anyways, I’m thinking I ought to name these characters ASAP, because it’ll be easier to shape them to their names than it will be to find a name which fits them once they’ve been shaped.

14.41 Here’s what I’m realising: I like to pants plots, but I can’t do that while I’m actually drafting, so I think my plan is actually to bullet point everything that happens, then revise that, then start drafting, so the story is basically set in the first draft.

I’ve actually gone through a lot of stuff--I have workable plot material!

17.16 So, me being me, I’ve semi-outlined (I say semi-, it’s more like a tenth) a trilogy, meaning I have ideas for three books following this storyline, and it... makes sense. It’s the kind of story where I can follow multiple arcs, a few at a time, instead of several overarching ones, or maybe it’s just that I’m letting myself.

07/06/2021 16.44 I don’t have a damn clue what I’ve spent the day doing. I haven’t done anything in a couple days because it was the weekend and I was busy, but I’m back now. The thing is, I haven’t spent the day reading, watching, drawing, or doing anything, really--it’s escaped me. But, at the very least, I’ve relaxed, so who cares?

I’m not applying story structure to the ideas I’m having quite yet--rather, I’m just developing them to see how they bloom on their own, then I’ll fit it in; it just seems like a more natural and effective way to develop.

Yeah, no. It’s too late in the day for this. I have zero motivation.

08/06/2021 09.49 Maybe I’ll accomplish something today; who knows? Certainly not me.

I’m now applying the 3-act structure, but I’m realising I have way too many details worked out for this--switching to more acts.

22.20 Why am I doing this to myself? I wish I could say I’m not entirely sure, but it’s because I can’t sleep, because this project, and my character Lihan, are the only things I can think about, so here I am. I don’t want to be a night writer, but que sera sera (I wish I could type accents on an English keyboard).

23.22 I accomplished more in the last hour on this project than I have in the last four days.

09/06/2021 - 1,115 words 09.29 I really hope I don’t prove today that night-writing is my sweet spot--I don’t want it to be. Can the world just let me have a functional sleep schedule??

Anyways, so, as I’ve mentioned before, I use Scrivener, which enables me to sort which documents are part of the manuscript from the ones that aren’t. I’ve been working outside of the manuscript, but I think I’m going to move them into it--I have a plan I believe will be more effective for my own drafting. I think I very much need the events to be set in stone before I begin writing in actual prose, so how can I do that? Especially when I also enjoy pantsing, but not in prose?

Here’s the plan: I plot out the main events, then bullet point everything in very high detail, similar to what many people call a zero draft, in which they draft a book in short form. I’ll sort the bullet points into chapters (but not scenes, because as I discovered with Bay Tree, I find scene-blocking makes the narrative less natural), leave it alone a while, then revise, so I can have my plot more-or-less set in stone before I work on prose.

As a result, I’m going to shift my plotting into the manuscript section, because it is, essentially, an early draft, and also I want a word count as a progress metre.

13/06/2021 - 1,611 words 8.18 Alas, I have been busy the last few days, but I’m here now.

9.20 The amount of secrets and who-knows-what in this story is genuinely absurd, but I’m sure I’ll clean it up eventually.

14.01 A few days ago, I came across a post about balancing large casts, which is exactly what I have, and the first thing it mentioned was the two-trait rule, in which every character has two traits completely unique to them, to help both reader and writer differentiate. Which I’m now going to implement.

14.42 I have these two characters, and I know exactly what I want their dynamic to be, except I can’t decide who should be which part of it.

I have made my decision. It probably works better now, but it does alter their roles, so I need to fix that.

I literally swapped them round solely because I decided one was taller than the other and thought it would be more interesting if the short one was the sadist. Why do I make my own life so difficult?

14/06/2021 - 1,574 words 11.08 I didn’t make an enormous amount of progress yesterday, but I did make some, and made notes of ideas for relationship arcs last night, so I count that a victory (forced optimism--surprisingly effective). I’m currently just working through bullet-pointing book one, while making notes of events I want in the rest of the series (I’m projecting three books, and telling myself I will finish them). I’m currently fiddling with one of my storylines to see how I can mould it to FSB’s and OH MY GOODNESS I JUST HAD A GREAT IDEA must take notes, one moment pleaseeee.

Okay, so I have four bullet points for relationship arcs and an idea to adjust one of the storylines--I’d say I have six main characters, two of whom are really the protagonists, two of which are my favourites, and the other two are fun, but in need of development. They’re split into a group of four and a pair, and I’m definitely more into the storyline of the four, mostly because the four contains my two favourites, and it’s more developed than that of the pair.

I’ve been keeping a list of things to add: motivations, loose plot threads, plot points I want to include--I really need to re-organise it.

On another note, I am so glad I named the characters as early as I did. I’m debating having two of the characters swap names, but I don’t think I will, because I will absolutely mix them up, and one of them is part of the perfect ship name.

My mouse isn’t working. I changed the batteries, but it’s not working, so now I get the joy of trying to figure out if the batteries I put in are just old or if the mouse no longer works, which would suck.

Yes, I’m going to describe this. Mostly because when I changed the batteries the first time, it took a minute to stop working, and this will waste a minute. So, first set of batteries, which we’ll call set 1, don’t work. I don’t know if it’s both or just one, but if it’s one, I don’t want to throw away both. I take out set 1, I put in set 2. Set 2 works perfectly. So it’s not the mouse. Now I take out battery 2B, and replace it with 1A, so I have 1A and 2A in here. I know 2A works, but I’m not sure about 1A, but the mouse works, so 1A is fine. Let’s replace 1A with 1B.

Yep. 1B is the problem child. 1A works fine, but 1B doesn’t. Lovely. Crisis averted. It would’ve really sucked it I had to get a new mouse. And back to writing!

12.13 I’m bouncing between documents as I organise, which means my word count is actually decreasing, so I feel like I’m making significantly less progress than I am.

I just realised my two protagonists are cousins. I’ve had it in my head that one’s father was the brother of the other’s father, but somehow I didn’t realise that makes them cousins.

I’m about to delete a list because I’ve reformatted it--my word count is currently at 1,958, but is really about to drop.

AND NOW WE’RE AT 1,572. My session word count is -32. Minus thirty-two. I hate it here, but it’s fine, because we’re ~developing~.

15/06/2021 - 2,113 words 09.39 It’s not even technically summer yet, but it’s too hot, and I hate it here. All the windows are open, so everything’s cool, there’s a nice breeze, and lots of light, but the birds are so loud, and I have to keep all the doors closed because the open windows send them swaying and slamming. You know when you close a door when all the windows are open and it slams? Yep. Not into it. 

I feel like every day I try a new way to organise my plotting. I’m unsure as to whether that’s helping me or holding me back, because it forces me to review what I have, which usually sparks new ideas, but I’m not convinced I’ll ever get to the end as long as I keep doing this.

21/06/2021 13.40 I spent the latter half of last week with zero motivation, then I was busy at the weekend, but I’m here now. I’ve been trying to make myself write basically all day--I have a plan, and a list of things I’ve come up with the last few days, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. I’m not in a good mood, but maybe this will help.

I have, however, just reminded myself that I need to prepare this week’s post, because I sincerely doubt either this or my ongoing Recent reads will be ready for Friday. Actually, if I do quite a bit of writing this week, this post might be, but I’m not willing to bet on it.

And oh, crap, now I just want to write a blog post.

No. No I don’t. I started looking at the list of ideas I had, and now I’m just not feeling it. I’m pretty sure when I open my document for this project I’ll lose all motivation too, but it’s worth a shot.

There’s a specific relationship in an anime I recently watched that I want to pull apart--there’s this ship, and the author of the manga has called the two characters ‘soulmates’. There’s just this huge amount of tension between the two, and I want to re-watch the show because I love it, but also so I can take notes to figure out what was so effective about it.

13.53 I’ve been doing this for 13 minutes, but I do think I need to leave this project/outline alone for a bit, give it an opportunity to ruminate, to evolve. In truth, I may not even come back to it until I’ve re-watched the anime I was talking about so I can tear that ship to pieces.

17.33 So I just learned brainstorming is apparently significantly easier on paper. Hm. I’ve just worked out so damn much, stuff I’ve been struggling with.

18.00 I have successfully tied up so many plot threads, simply by working with pen and paper. This is revolutionary. (I know, not really, but it is for me, someone adamant about working with a keyboard and monitor)

22/06/2021 09.42 Seriously, why did I never try actually working on paper before? Something about holding a pen to paper and scribbling and drawing a mindmap--it just works. I’ve been obstinate about avoiding working on paper because I hate physically writing, yet here we are.

25/06/2021 11.09 I’m really not managing much reading at the moment--since I started reading manga, my attention span has just gone down the drain. I’m currently reading Mister Impossible by Maggie Stiefvater, and I don’t think it helped that I had to stop less than a third of the way in to do a buddy read, but I just don’t have much motivation to read it, though I do so want to. I haven’t been listening much to audiobooks lately either, because when I’d usually listen--when I’m getting dressed, waking up, going to bed etc.--I just want to listen to music, because I also recently fell down the well of k-pop, and the group whose discography I’m getting to know at the moment is BTS. Basic, but they’re the fifth group I’m doing, and they have so many songs. Which would happen after eight years, but still.

I want to read so, so badly, but I just don’t feel like reading Mister Impossible. But I do want to finish it before reading anything else. I think I’ll finish my current audiobook, then if I’m still feeling stagnated in Mister Impossible, I’ll switch to the audiobook of that, then just take a break from reading until I’m ready to actually read. 

But this post is for writing, not reading. I did write on the 23rd, but I just didn’t update this post. The 24th I was busy, but my wall is now covered in post-it notes of world-building, characters, gods, plot points, and a whole load of other stuff.

Also, I had an idea for a book title this morning--not for this one, just in general--and when I went to add it to my list, I found a title that would so suit this project. I don’t want to say it, but let’s just say this project will be called ItLotG--or not. That’s a hideous combination of letters. I promise it is actually a good title.

11.52 I’m having another crisis over these two characters. I’m thinking it would make more sense to have L’s betrayal ‘arc’ initiated before the catalyst, or rather have it be the catalyst, except the problem there is that they’re not in the city they need to be in to receive that offer.

UNLESS,,,, what if this point happens just while they’re in the capital.... I’ve got it. 

17.16 I’ve been taking notes this whole time of everything I want to happen in books 2 and 3, and I have so much now i think they’ll be so much easier to plot than this one.

The downside of working mostly on paper is that my plans on Scrivener have been refined to one document, which is now only 878 words.

Right now, there’s a glaring hole between the midpoint and the ending, but my climax is one of those where the climax itself is a very small part of a bigger event, so if I figure out what I want to happen in this big event which is essentially the whole of the third act, I should be able to fill in the rest of Act Two with the setup for that.

So I’m leaving it there for both today and this post. In the last month or so, I decided to start over and mash two projects together, which created a whole new storyline I love, and now I’m mostly done with the first outline. I want to treat outlines as more than just preparation for drafts, because I find notes so much easier to edit than actual prose, and I hate writing without a clear idea of where I’m going. 

I think I’m going to call these ‘runs’--an outline is a run through, a draft a run through, so I’m nearly done with my first run, and I’m very proud of that, so go, go write the idea you have, drink some water, take a nap if you need one, eat if you haven’t eaten in a few hours, and I’ll be back with another writing update innnnnnn probably august, honestly.

Go write that idea!

[hiddendreamer67]

Borrower Analogical (17)

Chapter Summary: November 29th, 2019. Roman returns home to two freezing borrowers and helps them warm up. 

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16

Check out my writing blog for more of my works: @hiddendreamerwriting

——————————————————————————————————

“Do you have to go?” Thomas sighed, leaning on one of the front porch posts. 

“Unfortunately yes.” Roman answered, setting his trunk back into the car. “I’ve got...ah…” Roman paused, not sure what excuse to give. He couldn’t exactly tell Thomas about the miniature people he and Patton had rescued; for one Thomas would want proof, and for another they had agreed to keep it a secret.

“...studying.” Roman finally finished lamely.

“Aren’t you on break?” Thomas raised an eyebrow.

“You ask a lot of questions for a 10-year-old.” Roman observed, shutting his car door. “For your information, college work never ends. But don’t worry my little shining star, I will certainly return for your performance.” Roman gave Thomas a kiss on the head. Thomas groaned and pushed away from him, sticking out his tongue in mock disgust. “Save me a front row seat, alright?”

“Alright!” Thomas paused, then rushed in to give Roman one last hug. “...see you soon.”

Roman smiled down affectionately, hugging his brother back. “See you soon.” Releasing Thomas, Roman headed back for his car. “Say bye to mom and dad for me!”

“Okay!” Thomas’ reply was almost unheard over the roar of the engine, Roman getting back into the driver’s seat. 

Thanksgiving yesterday had been wonderful; it was so nice to see all of his family again. He missed mom’s homemade cooking; cafeteria food was always so bland. The college student let out a sigh. It hurt slightly to leave Thomas behind, but the little people needed him. Besides, Roman had made a promise. He was already pushing his luck right now. Roman had waited until well into the day to actually make the drive back, and looking out the window the sun was nearly set already. Roman groaned, not looking forwards to the long drive back.

Of course, as his mind began to refocus on the tinies awaiting him instead of his life back home, Roman began to feel slightly anxious. Surely they were fine, he wasn’t gone that long… but, well, he could have been gone a lot less if he hadn’t agreed to three more rounds of Mario Kart with his brother…

Roman arrived back at the dorm sooner than perhaps was legally allowed thanks to speed limits. He shivered, finding the room colder than they had left it. Someone must have turned down the thermostat. Rubbing at his arms to try and generate some heat, Roman grumbled to himself as he turned it back up. At least this place would heat up soon. For now, he could focus on getting unpacked.

“I’m back.” Roman greeted, wheeling his suitcase into the bedroom. He glanced into the cage, eyes widening at the state of the tiny. His eyes were squeezed shut, and the poor thing was shivering more rapidly than a lawn mower. “Oh no!” Roman hadn’t even considered how the temperature must have affected the little ones. They must have been miserable. Now Roman felt doubly guilty for not coming home sooner. 

For once Logan didn’t protest as he was scooped up into Roman’s hands. In fact, a new development made Logan actually lean into the contact: the hands were warm.

“That’s it, it’s okay.” Roman spoke softly, rubbing his hands along the minuscule arms in the hopes of heating it up. But of course, Roman had also promised to take care of Patton’s little one. Thinking quickly, Roman placed his into the large hoodie pocket and headed to the second bedroom. 

Logan groaned, deprived of his heat source and once again thrown into the dark. However, this darkness was soft and held its own warmth. The sensation of the human’s walking, though usually jarring, had an almost pleasant effect as Logan was rocked to and fro. The borrower sighed, allowing his muscles to finally relax after being tense in the cold for so long. Within moments Logan was out like a light.

“Hey Angel.” Roman greeted softly, having never been told about Virgil’s proper name.

Virgil winced, his frozen fingers curling protectively around his bit of cloth as he stared up at the approaching unknown human in fear. 

“It’s alright, I’m not going to hurt you.” Roman kept his voice quiet, slowly undoing the latches. His heart ached as he watched this one shake in its rags. Perhaps they both needed some new clothing.

Virgil stumbled to his feet, eyes widening even further when Roman’s hands began to come for him. “N-N-n-!” Virgil tried to verbally protest, but his teeth chattered too much for him to form a proper phrase. Hadn’t Patton said that Roman wouldn’t grab him? Who was lying here, Roman or Patton?

“It’s okay~” Roman scooped up the trembling tiny, holding him cupped in his palms. Looking around, Roman grabbed a smaller throw blanket off the bed and began to wrap the tiny in many layers until it resembled a living puffball.

Virgil blinked, surprised by this act. He was now fully insulated from the human’s touch, and surrounded by the soft sensation of fabric and warmth on all sides.

Roman giggled at the sight. “Aww, you really are a cutie.” He teased, amused at how this statement made Patton’s tiny glare at him. Perhaps this one wasn’t so bad after all. 

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone now.” Roman relented, putting him back in the cage. He checked the water and food dishes, noticing a large stack of tiny pancakes still remained. “If you need anything, I’ll be back later. Bye, Angel.”

I’m not Angel. Virgil thought dejectedly, lowering his gaze. Virgil paused. Roman’s pocket was sagging in a...familiar shape. Virgil’s eyes widened, recognizing that outline anywhere. Could it really be? Was that…? But if that really was Logan, why wasn’t Logan struggling? Was he alright? Was he sick? 

...was he... dead?

Virgil’s head shot up, watching as the human turned and began to head out of the room. No! How could he leave? No matter what happened, Virgil deserved answers.

“WAIT!” Virgil shouted, unable to hold back. 

Roman froze in place. Of course, Patton had claimed that the tinies could talk, and even that his had spoken on multiple occasions. Roman didn’t think Patton was a liar, but it was a bit hard to believe at times. Now, though… Roman turned around, his mouth agape as he looked down at the tiny with newfound interest.

Virgil gulped under Roman’s gaze, but stood his ground. “Is...is Logan okay?”

“Logan?” Roman tilted his head. Who’s Logan? Roman pondered this question before his hand drifted over his pocket in realization. Roman’s eyes widened. ...oh.

“Yes, Logan is fine.” Roman assured the tiny softly, crouching down to be at eye level with him.

“Show me.” Virgil insisted, not caring about the fact that he was demanding something of a human.

“I don’t think that’s such a good-”

“SHOW ME!” Virgil yelled, glaring at the human with tears in his eyes.

Logan groaned, shifting in his sleep and having the strange sensation he just heard a voice.

Roman bit his lip, conflicted. Patton and he had agreed to keep the tinies separated for safety. If he showed Logan off, it would be breaking Patton’s trust. But at the same time...this tiny looked so heartbroken. Surely one peek wouldn’t hurt?

Roman shook his head. No, it wouldn’t be right. “Perhaps later.” Before the tiny could yell at him more, Roman fled the scene, closing Patton’s bedroom door and leaning heavily against it. Through the wood Roman imagined he heard the sound of muffled cursing. 

“Well that went well.” Roman muttered irritably. 

Feeling a shifting in his pocket, Roman gently retrieved Logan and held him up. “Oh, it’s alright, shh, go back to sleep.” 

Logan seemed inclined to do just that. Indeed, he had barely made a noise of protest before he was unconscious once more. Roman cooed at the adorable sight, holding Logan close to his chest as he waited for the house to heat up. Roman hid a yawn of his own, feeling quite tired. He couldn’t go to bed, not yet. Though the idea of cuddling with Logan all night sounded appealing, it certainly couldn’t be safe. 

Logan. Roman gave a small smile as he repeated the name over and over in his head, making certain not to forget it. It suited the little man perfectly. Although...hadn’t Roman guessed that before? Why hadn’t Logan just said it was his name then?

Roman supposed he could always ask Logan in the morning, which was of course several hours away. Roman gave another yawn, longer and wider. The bed might be too dangerous, but maybe...if he just rested his head a moment…

Soon Roman fell asleep on the couch, lying on his back with Logan on his chest and a hand covering the tiny to keep him warm throughout the night.

[alphapockets]

Discord: New Message Infodump

Yes this is not getting put in the widofjord tag because I don’t like filling up others’ searches with something that is not “directly” linked. *jazz hands* anxiety. BUT here is all I could think of and a sprinkling of things I have seen asked about or mentioned in the comments! May this and the last chapter hold you over <3

Q: Why a text fic?

A: Honestly? I have only ever seen one from VM (there may be others, but I don’t read many fics out of my niche sections?) that was between Grog/Vax (I don’t ship it but when it’s a bar shift #3 in a row that’s 14 hours long, you need entertainment). I had read also Call Me, Beep Me from the VLD fandom as well as Misuse of Stark Technology and thought that it was a strong platform for conversation and storytelling that shows multiple perspectives at once without the constant POV whiplash that can happen otherwise. And with the strong and chaotic personalities of TM9 and the diverse ways the NPCs interacted fit in, I hoped it wouldn’t be that hard to pull off.

I’ll be honest, I was not sure if it would work out or catch on as it is not the most popular form of storytelling. As many people said in the comments of chapters 1-5, people generally don’t enjoy texting fics and skip past them. I am glad I took the risk and that everyone has with me.

 Q: Is it true you have not watched past Ep. 40?

A: Yes. Campaign 2 came out just before I started school, and I decided school deserved my full attention. I was also not as attached at large with the cast as an ensemble as I was with VM. This combined with having anxiety and needing something to be finished before I can enjoy made it difficult to get back into C2. I was lucky that I started Campaign 1 a few weeks before that ended. I will probably watch it when everything is over, but I mostly follow through spoilers and Arsequeef’s gifs.

 Q: What are some of your influences for this?

A: I have seen a lot of people loving the realism of the conversations. I don’t watch TV or movies, but I watch streamers mostly, especially group streamers. Because of this, I tend to hear nothing but natural conversations. I also have been in group chats since the old AIM days and was a bartender for 6 years, so I have pulled from interactions that I have experienced around me. Often when something perfect happens in a chat with my friends I screen shot it for use later (the look spam and how do you uwu are both examples).

 Q: Why that area?

A: I like to use locations I know well if there is a lot of real-world interactions. I am from Massachusetts and I had used Savannah, Ga., for Here’s To Us, where I lived for 4 years.

 Q: Will the chat be renamed to The Mighty Nein or something similar?

A: No. The chat existed before Caleb as that and was set up originally by Fjord and Beau with Molly, Bryce, Darrow, and Yasha. It’s been the Game Hoes for too long in their life to change. There will be some side chats that appear and disappear.

  Q: Didn’t Veth work with Caleb?

A: Originally that was the plan, but halfway through the first chapter, I decided to space everyone out better and missed her name in one paragraph at the beginning of the chapter. I wanted them to know each other but avoid the trope of “direct connection” with strangers to lovers and text fics.

  Q: How tall is Fjord (and the rest of them by proxy)

A: I changed the heights because Caleb is canon “Average height” which in DnD is different than the US. So, he was given a few extra inches to put him at 5’10”. Fjord was scaled up because we love height differences to 6’3” because of that. By order of height:

Veth- 4’11, Kiri- 5’, Keg and Yeza- 5’3, Jester and Rissa- 5’4, Astrid- 5’5, Bryce, Beau, and Wulf- 5’9, Beau, Caleb, Molly, and Ava- 5’10, Yasha- 5’11, Darrow and Essek- 6’, Fjord and Gunther- 6’3, Cad and Enzo- 6’5.

I’m probably forgetting some people.

  Q: Why did Enzo’s arc allegedly end that way?

A: I’m not sure I’m done with him just yet, but the reason it had to be let go like that is simple: legality. Real world consequences to acts would have kind of thrown a wrench in how this all unfolds. And Molly was the character who I felt could bounce back the best from getting a solid ass kicking.

  Q: Why was Astrid faster at accepting than Wulf, and why is he so possessive?

A: Wulf was Caleb’s first real friend and that meant he was the redhead’s world. Astrid came second and she realized how quickly jealousy can sour something. Wulf’s jealousy fed into the break-up. So, despite the awkwardness, she wanted to show Caleb that she meant it when she said they could still be friends.

Wulf was Caleb’s first friend, and he has that sense of seniority in his mind and has a hard time accepting he is not being replaced when new people come around. And as a more dominant person, it was hard for him to have the normally docile friend speak out against him. He is still immature and needed to grow, but has a hard time seeing that is okay right now.

  Q: Where does everyone attend?

A: Amherst College- Astrid, Caleb, Essek, Wulf. Boston College- Cad. Emerson- Beau, Gunther, Enzo, Fjord, Keg, Molly, Rissa, and Yasha. Princeton- Bryce. Hofstra- Jester and Kiri. UConn- Yeza (Graduated). UMass/Boston University/Tufts- NPCs not brought in yet.

**Caleb has stated Jester lives in the City early on because Jester has all her locations on social set to NYC

 Q: Any reason why you picked those schools?

A: I’m a BC fan (and Providence College), my childhood friend went to Emerson, and I was accepted to Hoftstra before I joined the military instead. Amherst was a perfect “nearby” city that was another college town/I am maybe looking at Amherst for a PhD. Program.

 Q: Where is Darrow stationed when not crashing Bryce’s life or deployed? What does he do?

A: Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. He was attached to the 26th MEU (Marine Expeditionary Unit) that goes through the Mediterranean. He currently is on hospital duty as a temporary “relaxation period” for people who are deployed often. As he is a paladin, I thought it’d be a nice touch to have him as an FMF Corpsman.

  Q: Where is everyone from? The holidays showed people all over and it’s mentioned some people were not born in the US or where they were located.

A: This is where that spreadsheet I made comes in handy. Most of the people either grew up in or intend to stay in Massachusetts for a long while. As there are some of the major schools in that area, obviously people would be out of state.

Boston TM9 Party

The Clay Family is in Jamaica Plains, which is just outside of Boston proper. They are from there, minus Toya who is adopted as well and from Maine.

Molly was the godson of Cad’s mother, who is from England and his father had been stationed in England for some time, so when he was essentially orphaned and given up by the indirect family, she put through the paperwork to take him in. Fjord and Yasha stayed with them.

Fjord is originally from Texas, outside of El Paso. After he joined the Navy, he never intended to move home as he hated it there. He fell in love with New England when he was sent TAD (Temporary Assignment of Duty) to the naval base in Newport. He stayed and continued his education at Emerson.

Yasha is from Jamaica Plains as well and went to school with Molly and Ornna, who is the same age as them. Her dad is from South Carolina and her mother is from Okinawa. They moved up north for her dad’s work.

Beau is from Kentucky and her family is unreasonably wealthy. She decided to go to school someplace as un-Kentucky as she could fathom and was stuck between Berkley and Emerson but chose the former because the weather meant her mother would never visit.

The Amherst Crew (Astrid and Wulf) are all from the area except for:

Caleb, was born in Poland to a Polish/German family. They moved and when his family died in a fire (he was at a sleepover at the time) his grandparents took him in. Wulf was still there with his large family and

Essek had returned home to California for the break.

Astrid and her family spent 10 days in Key West for the holidays, which is why she missed the New York trip. Wulf stayed locally for winter break.

The Conn/NY/NJ Groups are pretty straightforward.

The Brenattos stayed in New Haven, where they moved when Luc was born from Amherst. They had moved so Veth could start fresh.

Jester was surprised by a visit from her mother on Christmas Day and spent it with her. It was the first time her mom came from the Ukraine, as Jester’s dad is the one who she moved with. She lives on Long Island not far from her school.

Kiri is from upstate New York and was home for the Holidays.

Bryce drove down to Louisiana. They and Darrow are from Marietta, but they were at their grandmother’s place in Lafourche Parish. Darrow returned to Jacksonville NC.

Others Keg and Gunther were in Rhode Island but separately, where they are both from, Rissa is from Maine and went home, and Enzo was in jail (he is from Lynn, Ma).

  Q: How old is everyone?

A: 5- Luc. 19- Kiri, 20- Jester, Rissa, Keg, and Enzo, 21- Beau, Molly, Yasha, Essek, and Astrid, 22- Caleb, Cali, Reani, and Wulf. 24- Cad, 25- Fjord and Bryce. 27- Veth and Darrow. 28- Yeza.

  Q: If Fjord has the GI Bill why does he live on campus or have a job?

A: For those who don’t know how the GI Bill works, the government pays for education and sends some money based on housing in the zip code of the school. Boston is insanely expensive and student living is easier. Essentially, he wanted the “college experience” and it was cheaper. He needs the job more because he knows better than to let himself get idle. If he does, he won’t focus on school. Like Travis, my Fjord has ADHD.

  Q: How did Veth and Caleb meet?

A: In a Juvenile’s in-patient program for at-risk teenagers and those suffering from mental health issues. Caleb’s depression and anxiety following the death of his parents and the constant bullying for numerous things and previous attempts or ideations had him labeled “at risk” for self-harm. He was in for 3 weeks. Veth was in for her kleptomania and possible signs of disruptive BPD or other developing personality disorders but aged out of the youth section when she turned 18. As most diagnoses cannot be done for those until adulthood, she was being watched for early onset signs.

  Q: How did Jester/Veth get into the group?

A: Jester met Beau, Yasha and Molly at NYCC two years’ prior in line for a panel. They met again at Anime Boston after exchanging Twitter handles a few months later. Jester had worked NYCC a year ago and helped Veth to a quiet room for Luc, who was fussing, then stayed with her as she was on break soon. She invited Veth to play a few games of Don’t Starve Together with her and Yasha before she was brought into the main group.

  Q: This is a really diverse cast. What is everyone and why?

A: Some were obvious choices such as Caleb being from Germany, Jester being from Eastern Europe (Ukrainian), and Molly as Irish (and English).

Others I did to flush out to make a group in a major city make more sense. Wulf and Astrid both have French/ Germanic backgrounds because in canon, they were raised in a similar way. Astrid is Jewish along with Caleb to hint at why it may have been easier for them to date if her family was stricter than his.

Fjord and Yasha faced some racial issues early on in the show (Yasha from where she was from and Fjord for being a half orc), so I wanted them to be people of color. Yasha is half Japanese because of her name and because US troops often marry someone from Japan when they are single and stationed there. Her father is Jamaican in decent. Fjord’s dad he figures is Black but they’ve never met, as his mother’s side are Mexican. I chose that because I wanted to keep the Texan because a lot of people in the service are from Texas. Also, as previously stated, I had too many naturalized or foreign students already and needed to not stress over how they would be around for the breaks.

Cad is English, Norwegian, and Swedish because Cad is a god, who why not make him a Norse god? Veth is half Cambodian partially because there is a decent population size in Massachusetts. Beau is the not white-passing cousin of her family which will come in later because rich families have secrets, yo. Her family has some Cajun/Creole in her like Darrow but it shouldn’t be there according to her family lineage. 

Essek is Persian, Rissa is Puerto Rican, Bryce and Keg are “Confused American Mixes” of everything. Cali I have not decided yet, but will probably have some English in her, Reani I have decided on Moroccan. Kiri is Korean. 

Enzo is an asshole (he’s also mix of random European heritage.) I feel like I missed someone.

  Q: Is Widofjord the only pairing we will see?

A: There are some others forming, including BeauYasha, which was one of the possibilities when I started. Molly/Essek/Astrid were a shock and some others I won’t spoil just yet are starting to bud as hopefuls.

  Q: Do you have an end game in sight?

A: Honestly, as this whole fic has taken on a life of its own, not entirely. It was originally mapped out to be 12 chapters long and have much of this condensed down with all the side characters removed, no Enzo or hockey games, and the extra fluff cut out. As I wrote it, I found I enjoyed that almost more than the Widofjord specifics. So, this has really evolved away from a Widofjord ONLY fic, I am aware. Endgame wise, when I feel the story is told, I will wind it down, but there are more elements evolving with every chapter and I want these characters to get the moments they’re aiming toward. I also don’t want it to drag on too long, so I know that this will eventually come to an end.

 Q: Did anything change relationship wise while writing?

A: 100%. Beau and Jester were originally who I expected to pan out, but my Jes couldn’t seem to devote to that because she had developed more attraction to Molly and Fjord than I expected. Beau and Yasha just clicked better. Molly was the next option for Jester, but then I decided to make Essek and Astrid actual friends with the TM9 and we see how that went.

 Q: Is Jester going to find something happier? It kind of sucked seeing her so down and withdrawn these last few chapters. And where is Nott’s role now?

A: I am trying with Jessy. I am. Here’s to hoping she behaves? As for Nott, she is shining as the mom friend, but her coming into the fray more means bad things are happening. And yes, that is on the way.

 Q: You keep hinting at something in both Caleb and Fjord’s pasts. Are we ever going to see that?

A: Yes. I am trying to space out the angst as much as possible. This was never meant to be a hurt/comfort type story, but people have mental health issues and those because pivotal to the story more than I intended. Maybe the curse of having complete access to everyone’s conversations? But they will be coming out.

[let-it-raines]

Catch Me If You Can (38/40)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series. 

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now.  

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

a/n: Thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke​ for being my beta, @imagnifika​ for the cover art, and all of you for being awesome, whether you read this story or not ❤️

AO3: Beginning | Current

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-/-

The thing about being a starting pitcher is that Killian rarely plays. It’s every five days usually, and Killian is too competitive to simply be able to sit and watch while everyone else gets to be out there on the field. If it wasn’t absolute murder on his shoulder, he’d be in Al’s office every damn day asking why he can’t be out there.

Understandably, having to watch his teammates play without being able to help has been killing him more in this past week than it did while he was out on injury, and that was actual hell.

Rob did a fantastic job that first night clinching the first game for them by making it nearly impossible for the Dodgers to get on base, and Killian, while he didn’t play his best, pitched a good enough game and had help from Eric’s three-run homerun for them to win the second. It’s simply that everything after that has been a bit of a nightmare.

They lost two incredibly close games in a row in California to tie things up, won the next one, and now they could clinch the entire Series at home in New York.

Tonight.

With Rob pitching and Killian sitting on the bench.

And as much as Killian would love to get to be an active part of it all like he was during the winning game last year, he would give absolutely everything for them to win tonight so that he doesn’t have to get up on the mound tomorrow. The pressure and desire and want  is so damn intense that it makes Killian’s heart ache, but he knows that this isn’t really about him. No part of him could be selfish enough to want to lose today so that he could have the possibility of the glory tomorrow.

That would be ridiculous, and he doesn’t know what the hell he’d do if he wakes up tomorrow morning with a stiff shoulder and he’s got to get out there and play.

Sighing, Killian stretches out his legs to the seat in front of him as a whisper of wind whirls through the stadium to bring in the late October chill. He fiddles with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, pulling them down to cover his wrists where chill bumps are rising, and he wishes that he had a hat on to protect himself from weather, his ears likely red from the cold. It’s only seven in the morning, most of the stadium completely empty except for the maintenance crew and a few people in the offices, but Killian knew that this would be his only time to take it all in with no one around him.

An empty stadium is nearly as magical as a packed one.

He’s spent his entire life building up to things like this. Sure, there were times when he had other goals. He wanted to be a teacher, wanted to get his degree and help others, but that was always the fallback goal. It was never the main one.

Baseball has been his life.

Lately, though, Killian’s been thinking about life outside of the game more than ever. It’s insane because he feels like he’s one of those obnoxious people who only lives and breathes baseball all the time, especially with what’s going on right now, but his mind has managed to find a way to wander elsewhere.

There are saved searches on his phone about going back to Vanderbilt to finish his degree and a sent message in his email to an advisor asking if it would be possible for him to finish in New York instead of having to take classes in person. He hasn’t told anyone that he’s thinking about it, not yet. Telling someone makes it real, and Killian’s not entirely sure that he wants it to be real quite yet. He’s a grown ass man, but change is still terrifying when he’s grown comfortable in his life.

Baseball isn’t forever, though, and while he may still work in the sport later on, he’s not going to be someone who goes throughout his entire life living out the glory days through memory.

Tonight, might be another big moment that defines his life, but the past six months have been pretty life changing as well. Hell, the past year has been.

Things are changing in ways that he wants and ways that he doesn’t, and that’s simply how it is.

“So, we woke up at the ass crack of dawn so that you could sit out here all by yourself?”

Killian twists his head to the side to see Emma standing a few seats over dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, scarf wrapped around her neck and Yankees cap on her head. He was so wrapped up in his own mind that he didn’t even hear her move toward him.

“Hey, love,” he smiles, reaching up and holding out his hand so that the cool tip of her fingers touch his as he intertwines their fingers while she settles down into the seat next to him and props her feet up on the seat in front of her. “I told you that you didn’t have to come with me.”

Sitting here reminds him of another time in San Francisco when he put his heart on his sleeve and willingly handed it over to Emma to crush before they decided that they would give the two of them a go and simply see how things worked out. If she had said no that day, he could have listened. But damn is he glad that she said yes.

Or, well, technically, he was the one saying yes.

Either way, everything in his life shifted.

“I know, but you get all moody and introspective, and I didn’t want you psyching yourself out.”

“I would not do that.”

“You’re a liar.”

“Just a little bit.” His hand flexes against hers, shifting his fingers the slightest bit so that he can get a more comfortable grip on Emma’s hands. “What have you been doing while I’ve been sitting here being introspective and psyching myself out?”

“I was taking some pictures. It’s kind of cool to see the calm before the storm, you know? And then David called me with some work stuff and to give me shit about us making out being all over Instagram, so I sat on a bench and talked to him for awhile.”

“He called you this early? Is he crazy?” 

“I think David forgets that not everyone wakes up this early, and he has no qualms about waking me up. Usually I’m much meaner to him.”

“I’m surprised you’re not being mean to me.”

“The coffee we had at home really works wonders.”

Killian almost opens his mouth to say something about Emma referring to his apartment as home. But only almost. They’re both aware of the living situation, have joked about it to each other and others before, and they don’t need some kind of official discussion about things. It’ll all happen naturally, and when the time comes, they’ll talk about it. For now, things are perfect just as they are.  

Life has been crazy with his injury and then Walsh and Brennan and the aftermath of them being absolute assholes. It’s gotten crazier with the World Series and how much press he’s now getting, both for the games and for his relationship with Emma, much of which is now weirdly being caught on camera. All Killian really wants is a bit of normal here.

The sun continues to rise in the sky, darkness shifting into an orange glow that will eventually turn into bright sunshine that makes it difficult to see without a pair of sunglasses perched on his nose. The grass on the field is wet with condensation, water coating the blades, and if it wasn’t freezing out there, he thinks he’d go out and sit along the edge of the back wall instead of in a stadium seat.

Bringing Emma’s hand to his lips, he presses a kiss to each of her knuckles before pulling their joined hands back down to rest on his thigh.

“I think,” he starts, not entirely sure where he’s going, “that I could stay out here forever. I don’t know…maybe I feel things too deeply compared to everyone else, but this place has always felt like home. I can’t imagine what things would be like if I’d been drafted somewhere else or if I’d never been called up at all.”

She hums next to him, and Killian looks down to see Emma’s thumb rubbing across his knuckles like she always seems to do. “What’s that thing you’re always saying? There’s no such thing as ‘what ifs.’ Not in life and not in sport. What happened, happened.”

“Doesn’t keep me from wondering.”

“It doesn’t keep anyone from wondering, twenty-nine.” Her hand squeezes his again, and Killian’s mind dares to ask once more what his life would be like had he not met Emma. It’s a question he doesn’t want an answer to. “What if my parents had kept me? What if Ruth had never decided to foster a shitty teenager with an attitude issue? What if I had never met Neal or Walsh or Ruby or anyone who has impacted my life they the way they have? What if I never met you?”

“You’d be missing out on the best sex of your life.”

Emma knocks her foot into his as he snickers at his own awful joke. “You’re full of yourself.”

He shrugs. “It happens. And I know. I’m just – my stomach has been in knots over all of this for an entire month. I’m not sure my body is going to make it ten more hours. Or hell, possibly even thirty-six. I’ve had to hype myself up for all of this, and I’m a little…fuck, Swan, I’m exhausted and excited, and I’m scared I’m going to have some kind of adrenaline crash.”

It’s Emma’s turn to bring their hands together so that she can brush her lips over his knuckles. His heart stutters at the movement.

God, he loves her. It’s actually insane how much. Truly, it shouldn’t be possible.

“For one, getting up and coming to the stadium before the sun even fully rises is not something that’s going to help with your exhaustion.”

He twists his head to look at her, and she’s got mischief in her eyes and a smirk stretched across her lips that he has to kiss away. She still tastes like coffee.

“Also,” she whispers against his lips, kissing him again, “you’re not going to crash. Not yet. I know you’re really big on not riding on what happened last year, but you’ve got to do that. You’ve been through this before, and you made it. Those butterflies in your stomach are being felt by everyone who’s involved with this team, and hanging out by yourself the entire time isn’t going to help things. Why don’t we go get breakfast together? Or maybe go back to bed?”

“How about a game of catch?”

“What?” Emma laughs as she pulls back from him with furrowed brows? “I am not playing catch with you. Are we five?”

Killian shakes his head and chuckles as he stands from the seat and begins to stretch his shoulders out, letting go of Emma’s hand and rolling his shoulders back as he laughs at himself.

“We’re twenty-eight. I know you remember your birthday last week. And come on, Swan. I play a game of really expensive catch for a living. It’s part of my job to work on my arm today, just in case, and I need a practice partner.”

“That’s what Will and Eric or August are for.”

“Yeah,” he smiles, reaching forward to tug her up only for her weight to go dead so that he can’t move her, “but they’re not here. You are.”

Emma closes her gaping mouth, and her lips move in different directions while her nose scrunches up so that little crinkles appear around her eyes under the shade of her hat. “Okay, but if there’s one misogynistic quip about me throwing like a girl, I’m breaking up with you on the spot.”

“There’s nothing wrong with throwing like a girl, Swan. It’s pretty badass. But there’s something wrong with throwing like shit.”

“I’m not going to throw like shit.” Killian starts walking over the chairs, easily maneuvering through the stands with Emma following behind him. “But I ask you to remember that while I pride myself in my fitness, it’s in things like Pilates and running or boxing. It’s not in baseball. You, meanwhile, do this for a living.”

“These sound like a hell of a lot of excuses.”

“That’s because they are.”

“There’s no excuses in baseball.”

“I thought it was crying.”

“Fuck no,” Killian scoffs. “There’s a lot of crying in baseball, and anyone who tells you something different is a liar.”

“I can’t believe you just called Tom Hanks, America’s sweetheart, a liar.”

They have to go back through the tunnels to get a bucket of balls and some gloves as well as a few towels to wipe the grass in the bullpen down since it’s wet and neither of them are wearing the right shoes for this, but they do eventually get to the point where he can lightly toss the ball back and forth between the two of them. He’s not going to pitch at full speed, not until he has Will later, but it’s soothing to simply be out here getting a little movement in. He’s been back for two weeks, practicing for four, but it’s still all brand new again to him and shaded under a light that wasn’t there before.

Emma isn’t bad at all. She’s actually rather good, a natural some might say, and he jokes with her that if sports broadcasting doesn’t work out for her, she might take up a career in this. Naturally that gets him an eye roll or two, but she keeps on throwing until the sun is high in the sky and the day has truly begun.

Killian’s ready for it.

Everything seems to pass quickly then. The entirety of the Dodgers team walks out onto the field for their scheduled practice while he and Emma are still messing around in the bullpen, somewhere between still doing a bit of practice and Killian backing Emma up against the wall to make out with her. No one sees them, though, the loud blaring of music startling the two of them away from each other, and Killian presses Emma a little further into the wall while he buries his face in her neck so that he can muffle the sound of his laughter.

He’s not entirely sure that works, especially when Emma is doing the same, but they eventually manage to grab their things and slip inside so that an entire professional team isn’t aware of the fact that he was using the early morning stadium to kiss his girlfriend.

That would certainly have been something.

There is an actual practice that Killian has to attend today, an hour of which needs to be spent with him running on the treadmill and then getting massaged by Archie to work out any knots and kinks in his shoulder and to make sure that it’s not inflamed. Killian is always terrified that he’s going to be told that his shoulder is inflamed again and that he won’t be able to play on a day where he thinks he’s going to be able to. That would completely screw up the lineup, and…No, now isn’t the time to think about that.

Killian tells Emma that he’ll see her later, that he’ll probably come bother her wherever the network has her sitting even though he’s splitting the time in the game between the dugout, the clubhouse, and the suite where his family is going to be sitting. She has to go home and get ready for the day, and even if she didn’t, he very much doubts that she’d like to stick around and watch him run.

And then they’re both off.

Let the game begin.

-/-

“Are you guys going to win today?”

Now, that’s the question of the day, isn’t it?

Killian looks down at Roland who is dressed in head to toe Yankees gear, all his dad’s of course, and there’s a nervous smile on the kid’s face. Roland is almost never nervous. He has that childlike faith in everything even with all of the tragedy in his life of having lost his mom, and he nearly always believes that things are going to work out. There’s no good or bad, just the belief that things will work out the way you want them to simply by the power of wanting them to.

If only it were that simple.

“I don’t know, lad,” Killian answers honestly as he reaches down to pick Roland up, easily putting him on his shoulders as Killian walks him down the hallways to the suite he’s staying in for the game. Roland was in the clubhouse for all of the pre-game celebrations, and the kid heard and saw things that he probably didn’t need to hear for several more years.

A decade, really. Maybe two.

Yeah, definitely two decades. There was some creative swearing.

“Why not?”

“Well, because we can’t predict the future, and the other team is really good too.”

“But I want to win.”

“Me too,” he sighs as he pushes open the doors to lead to the suites. “And everyone is going to try their best. But you know what?” “What?”

“I think if you cheer extra hard, it might help your dad out, okay? He might lose because the other team is good, but you’ve got to cheer him on no matter what.”

Roland’s ankles hit against Killian’s collarbone, and Killian pretends that the bony lad doesn’t hurt like hell when he hits him. “I can cheer really  loud. Like, Grandma says that it makes her ears hurt.”

“If you’re not making Grandma’s ears hurt, you’re not cheering loud enough.”

That sentence pretty much sums up why he’s the best uncle in the world, Killian thinks. It’s basically the equivalent of giving kids a pint of ice cream right before they go back to their parents.

Killian pushes open the suite doors and ducks down underneath them so that he doesn’t knock Roland out. Everyone is situated on the couches and around the tables in front of the TV, and no one pays him any mind as he puts Roland down so that he can run to where Addy, Lucy, and Leo are. He imagines that between the four of them, they’re going to make everyone’s ears hurt from their screaming.

Maybe Killian will go spend time sitting in the dugout instead of in here, but it’s a long game. He’s got time to move around as long as he does make time to study Robin’s throwing patterns against each batter.

“Hey,” he murmurs to Elsa in the kitchen area while she pops a chip into her mouth. “I don’t know that it’s good that you’re playing hooky from work and letting the girls do the same with school.”

“Shut up,” she says in between crunchy bites of food, her hand covering her mouth. “You think that joke is funny every time, but it’s not.”

“It is.” Killian dips his head down and presses a kiss to Elsa’s cheek. “But I fully approve of the skipping work thing, especially when your husband’s lazy ass took the entire week off.”

“He’s supporting his baby brother.” 

“Younger, Els. Younger. I don’t need you encouraging that.”

Her bottom lip sticks out. “But it’s so fun to see your ears get all red with embarrassment.” 

“Every single thing I’ve ever said about me being glad to have an older sister in you and Anna? Yeah, I’m taking all of those back.”

“You can’t.” She swipes another chip through the dip. “They’ve been said, and I keep them all in my heart right next to where Addy told me that even if she got to choose her mom, she’d still choose me.”

“Classy.”

“I know,” Elsa laughs. “Where’s your better half?”

“She’s working.” Killian pinches his brows together. “So we’re not even going to pretend that I could possibly be the better half?”

“Nope. Just like Liam isn’t the better half either. And don’t make some quip about being equals. Just let me have this. I’m already stress eating chips.” He laughs while reaching forward to drag the bowl away from Elsa so that she can’t eat anymore, but she doesn’t let him, grabbing onto it and pulling it back. “I didn’t say to stop me. World Series week is like the holidays. The calories don’t count until my jeans feel a little snug next week.”

“Ahh,” Killian sighs in understanding. “That’s likely a good thing for how many baked goods I’ve sent your way.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the dugout?” Ariel questions as she steps up to them with her glass of water in her hand. “It’s kind of a big game.”

“It’s also kind of the top of the first inning, and I’m not playing.”

“Excuses.”

“A legitimate one. How’re you holding up, A?”

She waves him away and reaches for the pitcher of water. “I’m fine. Eric is the nervous wreck. I have enough confidence in you guys that I won’t worry until, you know, we’re losing.”

“Only worrying when we’re losing? What kind of method is that? You have to worry all the damn time.”

“That’s how you have a heart attack, and I have not suffered eating healthily and exercising so much to have a heart attack this young.”

“This is where Liam would tell you that it can happen to anyone in any age.”

“Where is Liam?” Killian questions as he looks around the suite for his brother only to have him nowhere to be seen.

“He and David are sitting in David’s regular seats because David was complaining about Mary Margaret and Leo not wanting to use them. I imagine he’ll be up here soon when he realizes how expensive food is to buy.”

“They’re such old men.”

“Says the man who was wearing a sweater while drinking a cup of tea and reading in his apartment last night instead of coming out to dinner with all of us.”

Killian sputters a bit as he narrows his eyes at Ariel. “First of all, there is nothing wrong with doing any of that. Second of all, how could you possibly know that?”

Ariel shrugs, mischief in all of her features. “Emma sent it in the group text.”

Of course she did. A man can’t even relax in his own home without being called out for it.

“Who is in this group text exactly?”

“Oh, just me, Elsa, Anna, and Belle. Don’t worry. Not everyone gets to see the embarrassing pictures of you drooling in your sleep.”

He’s going to kill Emma.

Or get his revenge. Somewhere in between those two.

There’s a loud groan from everyone watching the game, and that’s when Killian is reminded that there’s a game going on. He didn’t know that he could possibly forget, but apparently being teased about how he spends his nights will let him do that. When he sees what’s happening out on the field, though, Killian wishes that he’d been able to completely and totally forget about the game.

There are three men on base for the Dodgers, only one out, and one of their best hitters is up to bat.

Fuck.

This is not a good start.

This is a long game, but bad starts can change the momentum of absolutely everything. It gets in everyone’s head. The losing team is convinced that they’re going to lose, that they can’t come back from this, and the team that’s ahead gets all the belief in the world with their abilities.

Momentum shifts are everything, and it’s not time for the momentum to shift. Not yet.

And yet it does.

Robin throws what Killian knows is a good fastball and Rob’s specialty, but Stewart hits a sharp line drive down past third base that Arthur doesn’t get to. By the time that he does, the Dodgers already have two runs, Stewart is on second, and Ferguson is sliding into home before the ball can get there.

0-3 for the Dodgers eleven minutes in.

Shit.

Now it’s time for Ariel and everyone else to get nervous.

And it never gets better. Not really. There are times and chances and shots that have Killian grabbing onto his hair in frustration, but nothing comes of it. Nothing at all. Every single time there’s a real chance, something happens: the Dodgers have an unbelievable get, someone fumbles when the Yankees should have an easy chance at a double play, or every single person somehow forgets how to hit.

Until they don’t.  

Because now it’s the bottom of the ninth, and after an absolutely incredible eighth inning, it’s now 7-9.

They’re only down by two runs.

(Two runs.)

Killian is pacing back and forth in the dugout now exhausting every bit of emotional energy he has left in him. He left the suite the moment that first inning was over, texting Emma and Liam that there’d been a change of plans and he wouldn’t be meeting up with them after all. There was no way that he was going to be anywhere other than with his team when things were going to hell.

Being two runs behind is both nothing and everything.

There have been plenty of times when they’ve come back from a deficit like this. There have been plenty more when they’ve blown a two-run lead. And yet, like fifty-five thousand people in this stadium know, this isn’t any other game. This is The Game, and they’re closing in on the golden hour of chances.

It’s win now or come back tomorrow for one last chance of glory or crushing defeat.

Best of seven means nothing when there’s the possibility of there only being one game left.

“You’re going to exhaust yourself if you don’t sit down,” Robin tells him from his seat behind him on the bench.

Will has just stepped up to home plate, his bat in hand and feet in position, and Killian can’t breathe. His lungs have stopped taking in air.

“How could you possibly be sitting down for this? Is your blood not on fire?”

“I just pitched five innings, mate. My adrenaline high is gonedown. I’m exhausted.”

The ball is launched through the air toward Will, and Killian immediately knows that he shouldn’t take a swing at it.

He does.

Strike one.

“Shit,” Killian murmurs, kicking his foot at a water cup on the ground. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“You’re going to give yourself a heart attack.”

“Funny, Fisher, I told your wife the same thing. Aren’t you supposed to be warming up?”

Killian doesn’t even have to look to know that Eric is rolling his eyes. “I’m grabbing my stuff to do just that.” There’s a warm hand on Killian’s back, and he turns to look at it just as a “ball” is called. “Take some deep breaths, man. We’ve got this.”

“Aye,” Killian sighs, “we’ve got this.”

Strike two.

“Shit.”

Ball two.

Ball three.

Foul ball.

Killian’s phone buzzes in his back pocket, and he opens it up to see Emma’s name.

Emma: They’re having to censor you on television right now.

Emma: Just thought you might want to know that. Literally every time they show the dugout, you’re cursing. Ruby is getting a kick out of it.

Killian moves to text her back, to say something witty in response, but then the wood of Will’s bat is making contact with the ball and it’s flying gone, gone, gone…

Until it’s caught in the outfield.

Out one.

“Fuck.”

They’ve still got a shot. They have to. And as much as Killian hates cheering for Arthur King and hates that he only got a monetary fine for what he said to Emma and about her, he’s exactly who Killian has to cheer for now as Arthur hits a line drive that enables him to get on first base.

That’s progress.

It’s even more progress when Eric hits a triple sending Arthur into home.

8-9.

Holy fuck.

They might do this. They just might.

Killian still can’t breathe, but this is obviously his natural state now. This is how he’s going to have to live out the rest of his life.

Emma: Okay, now I understand all of the cursing. I’m freaking out.

Killian: Me too. We make quite the pair.

Emma: The best pair. It’s all going to be okay, twenty-nine.

He smiles down at his phone, his lungs taking in a bit of air at that.

Killian: It will be. I love you.

Killian: A frankly ridiculous amount.

“Out,” the umpire yells, and Killian immediately rests his head against the dugout railing, his nails digging into the hem of his sweatshirt as sweat drips down his back even with the late October chill whipping through the stadium as the night fully comes into effect, the sun long since gone.

Out two.

“For fuck’s sake,” Al yells, throwing his hat to the ground and slapping his hand against the railing. “Why would you swing at that, Whale? You could have fucking walked, and then we’d have two men on base with one out. That changes everything.”

It’s not Whale’s fault. It’s not. He messed up, sure, but it’s a team effort. Killian doesn’t always believe that when he’s the one pitching. It’s hard to get that out of your head when you’re being yelled at by managers and fans and people online sending death threats, but it’s true. It’s not one person out there even when it feels like it.

Killian’s going to have to remind himself of that tomorrow.

No.

He can’t go there. They’re not going to play tomorrow. Booth is up to bat, and he’ll get Eric home. Then it’ll be tied up, and they’ll have their shot to close this out right here and right now.

Hope bubbles up in Killian’s chest, his throat closing up with excitement and anticipation, and that lack of breathing thing comes back again as his knuckles go white from the strength of his grip on the railing. When he looks to the right, he sees that Robin’s knuckles are just the same.

They might do this.

Roland and Addy have to be screaming their heads off up in the suite. Killian almost wants to text Elsa or Liam to see what’s happening, but his eyes are glued to the field as August swings his bat at the very first ball.

It’s a fucking foul.

Strike one.

“Come on Booth,” Will shouts out, clapping his hands together. “You’ve got it, man. Be smart about it.”

“I’m not entirely sure that’s helping, Scarlet.”

“It is, Professor Jones. I’m a great motivational speaker.”

Killian’s lips stretch into a smile, a bit of calm returning, until the ball flies from the mound again, whipping through the air and curving into the strike zone at the last minute.

August doesn’t swing.

Strike two.

The stadium absolutely erupts then, hands clapping together and feet hitting against the floor while thousands of people scream, a mix of cheers and boos for August. If anyone can handle this kind of pressure, can handle the weight of world on his shoulders and the pressure, it’s August.

Pressure is a privilege.

He’s likely not feeling too privileged right now.

And as suddenly as the noise started, it calms down. While there are still people talking and cheering and making all kinds of noise, Killian can’t focus on any of it. All he can focus on is what’s right in front of him.

One. Two. Three.

Foul.

One. Two. Three.

Foul.

Killian’s stomach flips, his entire hand going white, and Will is grabbing onto Killian’s forearm so tightly that he could break the bone there.

One.

Two.

Three.

There’s a thwack of ball against Booth’s back, and it absolutely flies into the air. It’s flying, and Killian nearly jumps out of the dugout to get a better view of where it’s going. It’s got to be a home run. It’s got to be. That’s where it’s headed, and Killian’s arms break out in gooseflesh beneath the thick material of his sweatshirt.

They’re about to win the fucking World Series for the second time in a row.

Holy shit.

But then the ball dips.

It dips, right at the line of the back fence, and the ball is caught.

The. Ball. Is. Caught.

The ball is caught, Booth is out, and the game is over.

And just like the ball, Killian’s mood dips, every high hope crashing down around him and weighing down on his shoulders while his stomach flips before everything heavily settles in its place. This isn’t how today was supposed to end. They were supposed to come back from their bad start. They were supposed to win.

They didn’t, though. They lost, and even though Killian tries to be encouraging to everyone around him as they all finish up their post-game on-field routines, in his head he knows that they’ve only got one more shot at this.

They’ve got one more shot, and a lot of it is resting in the palm of his hands. Killian has been a screw up for this team so many times before, and he doesn’t know if he can do that again.

He can’t let everyone down again.

The mood is subdued in the clubhouse as everyone strips out of their clothes, just a constant murmuring of curses and complaints. Even Al is quiet when he’d usually be fired up yelling at everyone, a combination of disbarring comments and encouragements, and that may be the most shocking part of it all.

Reporters begin to fill the room as well as agents and wives and the occasional child, and Killian sits in his locker with his head between his legs taking several deep breaths to calm himself down. His heart is beating far too quickly. It’s thumping in between his ears, and that’s not how it’s supposed to be.

It’s simply not.

“Hey.”

The voice is soft and very much Emma’s, and Killian looks up to see her softly smiling down at him, Jeff no longer trailing behind her with his camera.

The smile that stretches across his lips is forced and half-assed, and he knows that Emma can tell. She steps in between his knees so that his head rests against her stomach while her hands brush through his sweaty hair. They don’t say anything else, simply stay there together while Killian breathes in the scent of Emma’s perfume on her sweater and shivers run down his spine at her touch.

He is undeniably a fan of every part of her, but being able to simply be, to exist, with her is one of his favorites. There’s nothing quite so soothing as knowing the person you love will always be by your side no matter what happens.

They lost. They did. It’s what happened, and there’s no changing it.

Tomorrow is the last chance.

It all comes down to the last one.

-/-

-/-

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