#forms of self care and personal comfort while you find better friends and people to be in your life who you deserve who will never make you

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

What do you think M6’s answers would be to the question “is it better to feel all the pain or nothing at all?” I haven’t played all the routes so I can’t answer for everyone but I think

Julian -feel it all

Asra -nothing

Muriel -at the start of his route nothing but as he grows as a character it would shift slowly to feel it all

Portia -feel it all

I’d also love to hear your answer if you’re comfortable with that! As someone who’s felt both my answer is nothing bc in my experience the numbness allows you to still function. Even if the life you’re experiencing isn’t as full as it could be, you still get to experience it. When I become so overwhelmed by Everything I completely shut down and cease to be a person. I am my emotions. And I think in Asra’s route this kinda gets explored in that they choose to not feel as deeply ever again bc a muted life with MC is better than a full one without them. Anyway can you tell I recently reread The Giver lol

Woah, that's a good question friend!!

To be completely honest, I think all the M6 progress from the "numb" to the "willing to feel everything" point throughout their routes - as is the case for many people who are in the healing process! (essay below the cut)

Julian, while fully embracing the misery of his situation, is also running from the part of him that wants a happy ending. Meeting the MC is his slow journey of self-acceptance, realizing that his happiness is valuable and worth fighting for. He stops choosing one feeling to drown out all the others and starts feeling everything in a context of loving and being loved.

Asra's in a similar situation. They don't see giving up half their heart as something to regret, but they still talk about the reduced ability to be attached to people as a loss. Reconnecting with MC, being able to slowly bring down the walls that used to facilitate a drifting, untethered survival mode, allows him to start caring more about the people around him since he has a person to call home again.

When Nadia wakes up, she's lost. Seven years of memory have blipped out of view, she's responsible for a city she knows very little about, and the people who are supposed to help her are only getting in her way. She speaks of a similar numb state, being detached and uninvested in the world around her, until meeting MC and finding a way forward gives her what she needs to flourish again. We see a lot of that emotional progression in her reconnecting with her family.

Muriel is an almost textbook case of complex trauma and the myriad of coping mechanisms that arise from trying to escape it. I've written whole essays on the effects of his deal on that process before, but his journey with MC starts with him just wanting them to forget about him, and ends with him asking MC to help him collect the memories of himself and his people.

Portia isn't quite as much numb as she is stuck. From the moment her parents' ship wrecked, she's lived her life in the orbit of other people. First her older brother, then the children and grandmas of Nevivon, then her older brother again, now the Countess - it isn't until she begins to receive that same attention from MC that she starts to really own herself and discover the true depth of her capacity. While we never see her choosing to be numb, we do see her hesitating to come fully into her own. With MC's empowerment, that's exactly what she ends up being able to do.

And finally, Lucio - he's literally numb. He's spent the last three years trapped between realms in a ghostly form that won't let him feel anything at all beyond hunger. While MC is instrumental in returning him the capacity to feel, it's Lucio's own choice to take advantage of that as a fresh start.

[divine17]

↳ DATING CARMY | MASTERLIST • C.B.

Request: N/A

Warnings: Very brief mention of alcohol/drinking

Word Count: 1.5k

A/N: These are maybe a little self-indulgent, sorry. I’m just in love with this man😭

He’s kind of messed up emotionally and has trouble letting people in, and he needs you to know that. 

He wants to work out his problems, to get his head straight and clear, but he usually just doesn’t know how. And he doesn’t like asking for help because putting all his bullshit onto another person just makes him uncomfortable. If you want to help, you basically have to force him to realize that it’s okay, you’re there for him. To silently hold him while he cries when all the emotions become too big to be bottled up, to cook for him when he hasn’t eaten a meal in three days (and maybe crack a joke about cooking for the chef, which he’ll always find funny). You just have to show him that you’re there for him, and only then will he let you in completely.

He loves the little things you do, all of them. 

You showering with him and lovingly washing his hair, or somehow getting all the stains out of his clothes, even cooking with him sometimes. He loves it. He’d hardly admit it, but he loves the security and comfort in the feeling of being taken care of. He was very lonely for a lot of his teenage years and into his early twenties, exaggerated by his move to New York. He went without that feeling for a very long time and Mikey’s death only made it worse, and the stress of running the restaurant and being back home did too. But he has you now, and you love him, it’s one of the only things he’s ever really been certain about.

Cooking for him is always nice, and goes in a way you might not expect.  

At work, he’s kind of neutral or bordering on cold most days, but at home, he’s a loving boyfriend ready to try anything you’d like him to… And he keeps the feedback to a minimum, simply enjoying your food, unless you specifically ask for it. And if/when you do, it’s not all the culinary-world language bullshit. He just says adding more garlic would make the flavor bolder, or tells you how a little more salt would enhance the dish. It’s not so blatant like it might be if he were at work, it's a much gentler form of honesty, but also not coddling or childlike. He praises and thanks you for dinner, and is just glad he finally has something other than junk food in his stomach, that you care enough to do that for him… Even though he’s a cook. Hell, especially because he’s a cook. 

Carmy loves you more than you could ever know, but he doesn’t like to feel smothered.

He’s affectionate, yes, and he does love you, but he likes to have his own space to relax. Sometimes he comes home in a bad mood from work and doesn’t want to put that on you, even though he knows you’re the only person who can fix it. It's less common with you than it was before, but the occasional off day still happens sometimes. So when he just needs to be by himself, he usually greets you with a kiss and goes to the bedroom to decompress. He'll come out in a few minutes and wrap his big arms around you, pulling you close into his chest. And he knows the smell of grease soaked into his clothes isn't very nice, so he always makes sure to change his shirt for you.

But in that same breath, he’s also kind of like a stray puppy when he’s with you.

You show him love and affection, helping with his problems and filling the gap in his life that he didn’t even know he had. In turn, he’s whatever you want him to be, and he gives you whatever you need. If you need a friend, a lover, someone to vent to or scream at, he’s there. If you’re hungry, he brings you something he made at work, special and just for you. If you’re lonely, he spends whatever bit of free time he has trying to help you feel better, even though he’s not really sure how. Whatever you need, he does his best to give it to you, to show you that he cares and values you more than he could ever manage to put into words. He likes how you encourage him to be kinder to himself, and to take care of his needs, so he does the same for you.

His lack of relationship experience does kind of scare him, but he knows the two of you can make it work.

He’s in his twenties and has never had a girlfriend. Not in his teen years when he was at home, and not in New York; Carmy was too broken and unstable to have a girlfriend when he was up north, and too busy when before he left Chicago. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t scare him, how there’s a chance he could fuck everything up because he has virtually no clue what he’s doing. But he looks to you as an example, because you’ve done so much for him, and he really tries to copy and twist your methods of helping him to fit your needs. He’s a very “lead by example” kind of person in his work life, but with you, it’s more mutual understanding, love and respect. It feels like a breath of fresh air for him.

He’s a big softie, even though he doesn’t really feel like it most days.

Don’t get me wrong, Carmy loves being the big spoon and having you between his arms, falling asleep listening to you breathe (in the least weird way possible). But he also loves the comfort of you holding him. You're so warm and so soft and you always smell so nice, he loves feeling you behind him, pulling him into your body. One of your arms is usually wrapped around his chest, the other underneath his head. He'll always put his arm up so he can hold your hand, thumb stroking the delicate skin. It's one of the very few calm, genuinely relaxing moments he has in a day. And his favorite thing is when you think he's asleep, how you'll tuck his hair behind his ear to get it out of his face, and press a kiss to his forehead before ever-so-slightly adjusting so you can fall asleep too.

His whole life, Carmy was never really sold on the nuclear family; y'know, wife and kids, white picket fence in the suburbs.

And he still thinks that’s bullshit and even a little weird, but he has actually thought about it more than he’d ever admit. What can he say? Those smoke breaks at work can get pretty boring. He’s decided that if he’s ever gonna have kids, it would be with you. He’s not dying for it or anything and it wouldn’t be the end of the world if you didn’t want any, and it definitely wouldn’t be anytime soon, but he just thinks it might be nice. Coming home to his gorgeous wife and sweet little kid every evening, cooking for the two of you, having a little dude to chill with and seeing such a perfect mix of the two of you in them. And having someone in the family that he could pass The Bear down to, too.

Speaking of being a dad, believe it or not, he’d probably rock at it. 

Having a kid would definitely make Carmy a little softer, a little less rough around the edges. It's not a dramatic change, but it is one that almost everyone around him would notice. And when they got to the toddler stage, they'd definitely notice him, very sleep deprived, gently (but also very annoyed) trying to scold someone in the kitchen... And the look on his face when he realizes he's trying to parent a fully grown adult. He'd laugh, but he'd also realize he probably needs to put Sydney in charge and take a few days off to spend at home. He’s a very loving, doting father and loves teaching the kids about food whenever they’re old enough to be in the kitchen. They’d truly be his pride and joy, his most beautiful achievement.

Date nights are a little uncommon given his work schedule, but they they happen, they’re great.

Carmy loves going out with you when he can, and doesn’t much mind where you go or what you do. Honestly, he’s down for anything, he just loves being with you, but a little extra bit of excitement isn’t unwelcome either. It could be a walk through the park, seeing a museum, an aquarium, buying books (cookbooks specifically, usually) together or, a little less commonly, even a bar crawl. Or maybe on the occasional holiday or long weekend off, a little hotel stay so the two of you can explore all Chicago has to offer. Having grown up in the city, it all seems so small to Carmy, but it’s in times like those that he remembers that it’s actually pretty giant. And that’s all fun, but his favorite kind of dates are when it’s just the two of you in the tiny kitchen in his apartment. He’s trying to teach you how to cook, but really, you’re just dancing around to the radio and making out and putting some ingredient or another on each other’s faces. And honestly, his heart is just so full, he can’t really bring himself to care about the mess the two of you are making.

[tibbythetiger]

Good evening friends! I just found out I have a respiratory infection, so I’m coping by writing sick DreamTheory HCs. General Content Warning for being sick, but nothing super specific or graphic! 🙂

I like to think that Mike despite obviously putting Abby’s needs over his, does take fairly good care of himself when he’s sick. He gets his meds, drinks his water, and muscles his way through it. 

I feel like Ness, on the other hand, hates taking any sort of medication. I think he hates cough medicine and most cold medicine and has to take his dayqil/nightqil in pill form because the capsules and liquids gross him out so much. I think he thinks that by eating nothing but crackers and drinking copious amounts of orange juice he can overpower his illness with pure determination. (This is not projection at all) 

Ness gets chronic migraines, sometimes they’re okay enough that he can power through and get through his day. Others he needs to just hide under a bundle of blankets with a compress and some SunnyD to make himself feel better. (Again, this is not projection at alllll)   

Mike is great at taking care of sick people, mostly because he’s used to having to take of both himself and Abby. The first time Ness gets sick after they start dating, it starts out as a simple cold. Mike makes him some soup (again, one of the few things Mike is really good at making) and sends him on his way with his daily dose of cold medicine. 

Ness appreciates the gesture but tells Mike not to worry. He always gets a cold at the shift of the seasons and it should be over within the week. Three weeks later, Ness has pushed himself to work every day and going about his normal life despite being super sick the whole time. Mike finally puts his foot down and makes Ness stay home, keeps Abby home from school and the three of them pile into the living room for some self-care.

Mike dishes out medicine, tea, and a steady supply of soup. (Who knew you couldn’t just eat crackers for three weeks straight when you’re sick??) Ness feels better within a few days after he finally lets himself rest. 

Surprisingly no one, Mike does fall sick next. Ness panics, he almost buys out the entire cold medicine aisle in the pharmacy. He attempts to teach himself how to make Mike’s infamous soup (it does not work well, and in fact, Mike has to step after Ness somehow makes the soup explode across the kitchen) 

Mike tells Ness all he really needs is some water, and some rest and assures him he’ll be okay within the week. He does end up being fine, but he doesn’t mind Ness doting on him and checking in on him throughout the week and the few days following him getting better. 

I think Ness gets sick pretty regularly, he has a pretty weak immune system, and working in the service industry does not help at all. By the time October hits, Mike just has a “Ness is sick again” basket set up at his house, (he does also put one in Ness’ apartment, but they all know it won’t really go to use at all) 

Ness is a comfort-seeking person when he’s sick, he likes to lay his head on Mike’s lap and let Mike do the talking for once. He’ll rewatch old movies or cartoons and steal Mike’s biggest and baggiest sweaters. Abby gives him one of her stuffies while he’s sick. It makes him cry because he’s never felt quite so taken care of before. 

That’s all I have for now! I’m sure I’ll be back with more HCs tomorrow because I have not been so inspired about a ship in a really long time! I just need to find more time to write so I can pull out an actual fic. Hope everyone is having a good night and remember to take your vitamins and hydrate!

[little-worm-grant]

Marc's pov: Behind Closed Doors

1,402 words / 18+ only, no minors

Masterlist. If you like what you see, leave a like or reblog and follow me ♥ Summary: Some darker scatterbrained memories of abuse and trauma from the mind of Marc Spector and his formative years.

Continued: Steven's pov: Happy Simple Normal Life (comfort)

Warnings: Dead dove?? Heavy child abuse + family death. C-PTSD. Domestic violence. Childhood trauma. Self-hatred. No comfort, only hurt. Notes: To my fellow survivors. You were not a bad person. You were not a burden. You were not difficult. You were not evil. You were a child. You deserve to heal and find what makes you happy. Take care of yourself first, no one can do it better than you can.

Knew from the way the house sounded what mood his mom was in when he got home from school. How each person’s footsteps sounded, and their mood based on how they walked. Not a usual thing to pick up on, but Marc had gotten to know how she was. Knowing when to expect her to be at her worst made it easier to deal with it when she was less cruel.

TV was blasting some soap rerun. Less to watch and more for background noise while she moved around the kitchen. Any noise in the house was a comfort. Meant it was safe. It was when it was silent he knew to hide. Out of sight, out of mind. Most days he would rather stay out of sight.

Heading through to the living room he stopped at the kitchen doorway and watched her. She'd been chopping at the cutting board. Not looking happy, but not looking so sad either. If he stayed quiet for long enough he could pretend this was a good day. When she looked at him he saw that look in her eyes change. Disappointment he was back? Sad to see he was near? She reached for the drinks cabinet and Marc left for his room. Didn’t want to stick around and wait for her to start with the berating.

He rarely saw her smile anymore. He couldn't remember the last time she smiled at him, but he could remember a time. They’d been out grocery shopping and heading back to the car. Marc had seen old lady struggling to push her cart back to the car beside theirs so he helped. The woman complimented his mom over what a kind boy she had. His mom made some noncommittal comment and forced a smile in his direction. He could tell it wasn’t genuine by the way it never made it to her eyes, just out of sheer politeness for the woman. By that point, he'd take anything he could get. Whatever crumbs of kindness she’d give him he’d gladly accept. He wanted to show her he still had the capability of being good even if he'd done terrible things.

She cried on the drive home.

He didn't ask and she didn't point out why, but he already knew what the answer would have been. Should have been her Roro doing all that. Helping old ladies. Offering to do chores to get more pocket money. Helping their dad clean the car. Where Marc was more introverted and liked keeping to himself, his little brother shone as a people person. The true baby of the family. Everyone loved him. Marc was just trying to be more like him to appease his mom. Got him a smile, didn't it?

He remembered after one bad night, she'd come into his room and pulled him out of his sleep to pull him out of bed and beat him. Supposedly for not taking the trash out, but it was the middle of the night and he couldn’t remember her ever asking. She was drunk and not making much sense. Her insults always made the most sense.

This is all your fault.

You disgust me.

You're a horrible child.

Something is wrong with you.

You're evil.

Marc internalized it all. Every single word. Felt like he was going crazy, but maybe he was a bad kid. He got told it enough times he'd started to believe it. He often didn't do the right things. He knew he deserved most of it. But then when he went to the homes of friends and saw how much their parents fawned over their children. It filled him with a fit of bitterness and envy.

There was one family he loved. Treated him like he was their own. Preferred being there after school and on weekends instead of at home. He’d help them pick raspberries from their bushes to make into desserts. He was always allowed to eat his fill in raspberries. He also remembered stealing from them. Just once, but it was one time too many. A small decorative paperweight that reminded him of someone. Couldn’t tell you why he put it in his backpack. Deep down he knew it was wrong. Had a good thing going with this family. They were always kind to him and he'd stolen from them. He was never allowed back after that. His mom got the call and found the paperweight hidden in his room. She used it as part of her arsenal to give herself more reasons why she needed to beat him. He was a bad kid, after all.

There was only one time he’d been taken to the hospital for an injury and not for the constant noise in his head. His mom took it too far when she threw an object at him. He didn’t realize he’d been bleeding until he saw himself covered in it in the mirror. On the drive to the hospital, she went over what he should say. She stayed in the car while his dad took him inside. Couldn’t have a drunk parent and an injured child going into the hospital, no, that would have raised too much suspicion. He got taught early how the naughty kids’ home was worse than anything she’d ever do to him. How he'd be sent far away and lose anything he cared about. So he lied.

I fell.

I hit my head on the corner of the cabinet.

I hurt myself.

When it came time to glue the wound back up he thought they were going to use real glue and refused to let any staff near him. Got transferred to a children’s hospital where he’d be put under and stitched back up. Couldn’t remember if they ever asked him what happened.

More times than he could count, he remembered getting woken with ice water being poured over his face, or by being punched awake. All because he’d overslept and was late for school.

Took him years to bring the nightmares down to only a couple each month. He'd lived longer away from the abuse than he had within it. The only time he'd ever see his mom’s face was in his nightmares. After he’d left home, she never once tried reaching out to him. He felt it was better that way, but a small part of him hoped one day she'd come to her senses and tell him she was sorry. She’d never told him that before and it took him accepting Steven to realize he never needed it.

The most fucked up thing about it all? Marc still loved his mom. If he had to choose, he'd still choose her to be his mom. He just wished she'd believe him when he said it was an accident. He didn't mean to kill Roe. He never meant for his little brother to drown in that cave. He was sorry. He’d always be sorry.

He remembered long before Roe died, she would make him a hot chocolate and they'd sit together and talk for ages in the kitchen. She'd talk about her life. How she grew up in a big Latino family and was raised Jewish. Laughing over his silly nonsensical strung-together phrases in Spanish. She'd respond more seriously, teaching him in her mother’s tongue to make sure it got passed down to her boys. Prompting Marc to find more ways to be sillier with it and to make her laugh. He couldn't remember what her laugh sounded like anymore.

He vaguely remembered the way she'd look at him like she loved him. He remembered more vividly seeing those same eyes hate he ever existed.

Was he really that terrible? Why didn't he deserve to be loved?

Where was his dad in all of this? Right there. Pretending not to hear any of it. Going to Marc’s bedroom long after his mom had left with food or a warm drink to comfort him. Telling him he needed to listen to her. How he should appease her rather than talking back or arguing. How she wouldn't be so bad if he tried harder to be better. That he shouldn’t take any of it to heart. His mom was hurting too, but she still loved him.

Every single adult in his formative years had failed him.

He wasn’t going to be the kind of adult that turned a blind eye.

[canaidliafail]

untitled

streamer ellie Williams x dancer reader 🌿

Id call this an excessively long shitpost. It is in the same timeline with staygrounded but I wrote it down for self indulgent reasons such as -to no ones surprise- venting. It ain’t good btw but its getting better I think.

CW: first of all, reader is a dancer/ dance teacher || short mention of self harm || MDI: there are sexual themes if I remember correctly || Ellie being very gay

If you by any chance do enjoy this concept I don’t mind writing a part 2 tho. Requests are open ✨

“you blame it on the drugs I dont give a fuck cause the damage is done,

and you talk about suicide, its the way you manipulate”

1:35 ───ㅇ───── 3:47 ↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

gossip, rumors, spreading a false narrative and falling in love with being a victim of life and most importantly a victim of you.

So many things that could have been said about her. So many and yet all sat stale at the tip of your tongue. You wanted to rip her to shreds, put a curse on her and considered spending life in prison for premeditated murder. Then you cried and just prayed she would leave you alone and that she would find happiness and that you would never hear anything about it. You scratched your arms, the stitches holding your flesh together getting irritably itchier day by day. flesh that you so willingly sliced a week ago and regretted right after.

It was fucking embarrassing to fall to such depths of despair and misery cause of love. In life we allow things to happen to us. Saying that was comfort of some sorts. It gave you control over a situation that you were dragged around like a puppet.

Could truly another person's venom poison you this irreversibly?

And while you did crave love and attention you refused to humiliate yourself by asking for it,let alone admit to it.

“she didn’t love you, she loved the idea of being with you. You have to realize it baby, You are a known figure now…People will do that to you. This is a whole new world you just entered”

You shook your head and dully stared at the screen playing lo-fi on loop

“New world ? Feels like I'm back in high school”

You sat on the other end of the couch numb and mute. It had been a week since you spoke to your roommate and two since you last saw your whole friend group. You warned them

“I can’t talk but I really need you”

and they came and would chime in to whatever little but you were willing to share that night.

You all woke up around the same time the next day, exam season not really willing to cooperate with your mental breakdown and started getting ready. You had already failed 2 subjects. shit was not going your way so on the fourth day you just gave up and decided to go with the flow

“how bad can it get”

bit of advice fellas, never fucking say that cause it CAN get worse.

While initially you were well prepared for exams, You mixed up the days when you were supposed to submit assignments and the days when you were taking a written exam.

2 failed subjects, 4 more to go.

4 failed subjects… 2 more to go

Hot girl summer just doesn’t feel the same once you hit your 20s it seems.

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

You were aimlessly watching one story after the other,barely there and hardly caring what exactly you were looking at. Abby had just posted one cryptic photo with a girl you saw around in the community and smiled. You could tell something was going on with her and that other streamer girl and you smiled. You thought they were a good match and quite frankly you were just glad to see that some people were doing better in their love life than you ever could. It gave you hope that things like that still existed even if you weren't meant to experience them. Ellie had also just posted and you took a minute longer to appreciate her slender form dressed in tights and a top while horse riding. She was hot and she knew it and you liked that attitude of hers. You checked the next story which was a black screen with a text

*I fell off my horse two minutes after taking that pic*

And chuckled. Your eyes drifted off to the green square mark and cocked a brow

Oh?

So you were in her close friends ?

You sat up

“Wait since when has she-” You asked yourself out loud and noticed that indeed she was following you. In the midst of working on new content and getting out of your depressive slump you started checking your social less and less too busy with dance practice and trying to enjoy life and it seemed like in the middle of your subtle break things…. Happened

Maybe a few months ago when you were down bad for her this would’ve affected you but now you just shrugged and closed your phone. You need to get back to practicing a new dance combo for a video and you couldn’t be bothered. Your ex had scared you off from dating public figures for good. Dating was a strong word…You hardly wanted even a fling at this point.

You got dressed up and put on a wig, fixing your makeup in place and making a movement test before you went to the studio to record the new choreo so that you could only worry about the variation and not have any unnecessary technical issues. The studio was a few minutes away from your place by bus and you put on the songs you planned on rehearsing to get in the mood on your way there humming softly and tuning out any other thought polluting your mind.

There's was a text notification from the user

Elliefuckingwilliams

Which you forced yourself to ignore refusing to entertain whatever she could have texted you. If this was a month ago maybe you would have but now you didnt want to.

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

Ignoring her was your plan until you posted the new video of your dance which admittedly you did look good and may have been one of your best videos up to date. Ellie Was the third like on that post and she had shamelessly double texted you. You chewed on your lip nervous and uncertain

“She texted me again”

Ophelia, your roommate, peeked her head from her iPad and looked at you curious

“Who?”

“Ellie”

“ELLIE?! WAIT THE ELLIE?!” She jumped up and for a moment you for sure she came for your throat but instead clutched the blankets on your couch

“And what do you mean again ?! When did all of this happen ?”

“Relax it all started today and you know I wanted to tell you once we had time to properly hang out” You said fighting back a smile knowing that this was a victory. Ophelia had suffered you for months crying over your ex, then thirsting over Ellie and then back to square one. You owed her an update on your emotional affairs which you swore that they would stay stagnant.

“So what did she say ?”

You opened the Direct messages

Elliefuckingwilliams: Hey I have a question

Elliefuckingwilliams: Is your studio in Seattle ?

Elliefuckingwilliams: I have a project and am looking for a dance instructor. Let me know if you would be interested in a collab

“Ah. Just work stuff it seems”

“EXCUSES SHE JUST WANTS TO EAT YOU OUT AND IS LOOKING FOR A EXCUSE”

“You are shameless”

You stared at each other with a smirk fighting to break through, wanting to seem equally serious despite the ridiculous situation.

“She does not”

“She does. I’m betting 50 dollars”

Oh fuck off ill just roll you a blunt”

“A WIN IS A WIN” she said with her hands in the air “No come on! Respond already you are driving me crazy”

You rolled your eyes and considered her offer. You were taken aback cause Ellie didn’t seem like she would do anything with…dancing. However you weren’t new to influencers trying new things to get back on the algorithms favor so you brushed it off as her chasing new heights to her already growing fame.

-Hey, I’m not sure where you are exactly and it isn’t my studio. I am just renting the space but I could give you a lesson or two

Elliefuckingwilliams: Sweet! When are you available ? I have a gap next week otherwise it can be next month

You stared at her immediate response and quirked your brow in approval. Professional and straight to the point. You could respect that. Not what you were aiming for. You tried to ignore the previous conversations you two had that showed above her new messages. Your fruitless attempts at getting her attention in the most stupid of ways. Can’t blame a girl for trying. Shoot for the stars they say. You’ll land on dirt but hey, at least you gave it a fair shot and therefore no one could blame you for trying.

-This week is good. Say Friday ?

Elliefuckingwilliams: Yeah yeah cool! I'll text you the day before so that you can tell me your location and everything

You pursed your lips and turned to look at Ophelia who was on all fours on your couch desperately trying to steal a glance at your phone screen. You tossed it on one of the floor cushions

“Not a date. I’m just gonna be her dance instructor so looks like you owe me that blunt”

“Nu-uh. Bet you’ll be raw dogging in the studio. We will see who wins on Friday”

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

“And the dance floor is filling up with blood, But oh, Lord you’ve never been so in love”

ELLIE’s POV

Ellie was convinced that God had specifically hand crafted her body to be incapable of dancing. She had no coordination and perhaps was even tone deaf which was ridiculous for someone who played the guitar and sang. Not that she was a pro at that either but who creates a musician who doesn’t understand how to step on notes in any way other than with an instrument ? So now that she had texted you she was frantic, bouncing her leg up and down and chewing on the flesh around her fingernails.

“What's gotten into you?”

Dina asked while folding clothes. She was at her and Jesse's apartment for the night and she had yet to tell them about her new crush and her impatient attempt at getting to see you as soon as possible. Ellie was aware of you as a creator. Be it from a post-share on her friends stories or you falling on her timeline she would see you here and there. She vividly remembered a month where you peaked and she went from seeing you once every two months at best to seeing you every week. And she was curious as to why was everyone going crazy over you and your content. You seemed to interact mostly with Abby’s girl.

That’s how Ellie referred to the girl Abby seemed to be crushing on. In a game of broken telephone and who told what, Ellie planned on seeing how close Abby was with her girl and if that was close enough for her to ask if she could…well ask her about you and then somehow for that information to get back to you.

But all that plan failed the second Ellie asked

“So is Cotton dating anyone?”

And Abby took that horribly wrong and now was set on gatekeeping her. Ellie was awkward and a mess and couldn’t communicate properly what she wanted because to her, what she asked was obvious and had no hidden meaning or intention but the world around her didn’t work like that and she struggled so fucking hard with it.

Ellie’s second grant failure was when she followed you back. She was sure that you wouldn’t have missed it. But the silence was so loud it was deafening. You were still posting but you were otherwise quiet everywhere else. You rarely even watched her stories at this point so Ellie decided to grow a backbone and some balls and directly message you.

She flinched at the dry responses she gave you to your previous interactions which back then seemed professional but now they seemed…So distant.

Finally, she texted you.

and you responded.

“Dina I did a stupid thing”

Dina tossed the clothes in the wardrobe and kicked close giving up on tidying Jesse’s shit

“Ok, stupid how? Like speaking money or-”

“I texted my crush-”

“You have a crush?”

“Yes and so I texted her and-”

“Who is she ?”

“A content creator, anyways so I texted her”

“WHo?”

“Dina can you let me talk?!” she said frustrated and Dina grinned. She went to the kitchen aisle to grab a bottle of water and tossed another one Ellie’s way. She leaned against the counter listening to her friend endless yawping about this new crush. she called her twice a day until Friday, and would recite every move and gesture she planned on using to seduce you. Dina would turn each one down by saying

“You do realize that when you see her you will just shit your pants from excitement and won't say anything right?”

So ellie would hang up and call a few hours later with a new plan that aligned more with how she typically acted.

When Friday came she showered twice and changed outfits over and over again, as a result she was late. She was proud of her fit since the sleeveless turtleneck did a nice job at hugging her slim, well built frame and showed off her toned arms that took years of calisthenics to build and paired with a baggy pair of sweatpants she felt like she had the biggest dick in the city.

But once she parked outside of the studio you mentioned cold sweat ran down her spine and her hands felt clammy and sticky from anxiety.

what the hell am I doing

she questioned and rested her head against the steering wheel. She drummed her fingers on the soft leather and hummed a melody to ease her nerves till she heard light tapping on the window. She lifted her head and looked up and there you were. hair loose, shorts and a baggy graphic T that had a faded graffiti-like artwork of spiderman.

She hated how much she loved the sight in front of her.

she opened her door and slid out trying to gather her stuff in a hurry

“Hi sorry, were you waiting long? I missed the bus and had to wait a bit until the next one came…”

“no no! Its cool I was just, ugh trying to calm down cause I'm nervous”

you smiled and lowered your brows in empathy

“I assumed you would. You don't have experience in dancing right? Or at least you haven’t mentioned it anywhere”

She winced at how obvious her lie was and she didn’t know how to answer to that

I don’t dance but If that’s what it takes to fuck you then sure I can learn how to do a Ronde de Jambe

“ah yeah you got me there, I’ve never danced before”

“That’s cool with me. Just curious on what piqued your interest to start now. New hobby or…?”

“yeah new hobby!” she hurried to answer, glad that you inspired her on what lie to use for the day.

You nodded while checking her out head to toe and before she had time to boost her ego and assume that you did because you found her hot you said-

“Hm. I will need you to wear tighter pants next time so that I can see what you are doing with your legs. But for today it's fine”

and took the keys out of your duffel bag

“Well. Ellie williams. Ready to start?”

“ah yeah just, be gentle…? I've never done anything remotely close to dancing with my body and I might be pretty stiff”

“Don’t worry about it. I've had every type of student and all of them managed to pull a few cool moves in their second month. If there’s a will there’s a way”

she smiled more nervous than before. You were formal and professional leaving little close to no space for her to get flirty and she was at a loss. She should’ve done more research on dancer etiquette so that she wouldn’t have looked like such an uneducated swine but there was no point in getting angry over that now.

“We will start with basic breathing exercises and a warm up just to get you in the swing of things. We will start with body isolations”

Ellie stared at you from the mirror as you showed her the first few basic motions

“Alright so for the warmup just follow my lead”

you grabbed the remote and put on “never ending song” by Conan Grey which had a pretty standard rhythm and was easy to dance along to. Ellie was in awe with the plasticity of your body, every move being a continuation of the previous one all like a rolling tide of emotions complimenting the beat and the beat complimenting you.

On the other end, Ellie was too embarrassed to look at her own reflection

“alright so first to isolate your hips from your chest” you said and let the next song play. You laid your palm flat on her back and pointed a bit below her collarbones holding your fist in the air

“move with me, breathe in” you said and she tried to copy your move watching your chest rise. You shook your head

“no, I need only your chest to move. Relax your shoulders love” you teased with an easy smile and Ellie by now was a mess, from the proximity and from the simple exercise of trying to move your breathing pattern

You were oblivious to it all going from one body part to another occasionally fixing up her posture and tapping the part that she had to focus on, but all hell broke loose in your brain when you laid your hand on her stomach asking her to clench and unclench her core hunching within herself.

“You were so dramatic before, look at you Els. You just needed a little basic guidance “ you encouraged and she smiled and looked at you in excitement, oblivious to the fact that when she turned her head she was a breath away from accidentally kissing you

“ah! I-“

you smirked and pulled away

“I've been rehearsing this one choreo, best way to understand these exercises is through a dance routine. How do you feel about that?”

Ellie agreed and while dancing she kept being thrown off balance at the sharp turns that she had to take which in return slowed her down and she would miss a few steps. You let the music play in the background and let out an awkward chuckle

“Fuck ok this is my fault see I forgot to tell you about spotting”

“Spotting?”

You nodded and you pushed her back by her shoulder freeing up a line for you

“See when we turn, we always have a spot” You said and stepped into the appropriate preparation to do 8 simple turns, your head always snapping the back to the invisible mark you held with your eyes

Ellie pursed her lips. Seemed like such an obvious trick but one that went completely over her head

“Now I see that you struggle to look at yourself in the mirror, Which is fine. I’m sure you'll get used to it eventually, so instead try taking a few turns while holding eye contact with me, yeah ?”

You offered and she took a couple steps back

“Ugh…what were all those moves you made before spinning?”

“Oh don’t worry about that,thats ballet stuff. Just spin. Bent your elbows and hold your arms against your chest if it helps”

Ellie started off slow, picking up the pace as she neared you, eventually losing sight of what was in front of her

“Wow-wow-wowwww I got you” you said and steadied her by her shoulders and held her in place. She looked up at you taking in deep breaths, cheeks flushed and eyes wide open with her lips parted in a soft smile

“That went well, How do you feel?”

You said and you gently rubbed your thumb against the naked skin of her biceps.

“Great, I… I liked this it makes more sense now”

She said filled with excitement

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

Every time Ellie liked your story you felt your heart skip a few beats. You were in the studio for your solo dancing practice and kept bouncing from one leg to the other to keep your muscles warm while you scrolled through your phone to find some inspiration or a pic that you could post and in return give Ellie an opening to respond to. The image of her timidly trying to follow along through your every move, her flushed cheeks and her voice shaking did things to your brain chemistry, re-wiring its entire structure and flow. Every time she posted a story with a smug smile and pants lower than her boxer briefs you just laughed remembering what a shy and soft mess of words the girl was and felt an unhealthy amount of endearment. A spark re-ignited in your dead heart and you liked it. You liked ellie when you didn’t know her, and you liked her even more now that you did.

By now it had been…a good two weeks that consisted of 4 dance practices that you had with her. The first time you saw her up close all you thought was a “huh”

And then a “she is shorter than me-“ which for you was dangerous. You had an incredibly soft spot for masc lesbians who were shorter than you. Unfortunately they were never attracted to you though. You had always attracted the exact opposite of what you wanted and you blamed that on your overly dominant attitude.

On the second day you both had the same idea of treating each other to a coffee and so you ended up with 4 paper cups of iced almond milk lattes which you laughed about for a good 10 minutes

“We are so in sync!” You commented and she nodded excitedly, blushing all the way to her ears.

On the third dance practice you purposely pretended to assist her and correct her to find an excuse to touch her and when you saw how positively she reacted to it you pushed on the advantage that you had, heavily , which made you believe that maybe there really was some kind of ulterior motive as to why Ellie was so set on having you as a dancing coach.

On the fourth day there was a shift in the tide and something was in the waters. Ellie had her hair gathered and decided to wear the sluttiest outfit on earth ( aka a white top and grey sweatpants )

She went to greet you with a hug and you noticed her perfume, subtle but there to make you lust after it. She asked if she could record the Dance you were rehearsing for a post and you felt alright with that. And she excelled. She was a fast learner and her body had a good flow. It did need polishing but she wasn’t half as bad as she claimed to be. The fifth video take was close to perfection and in her excitement she yanked you towards her and wrapped you in a tight hug which you immediately reciprocated eager for the contact with the sex God standing before you. You took in the blended smell of her perfume and her sweat which had you feel insufferable discomfort with how tight your pants were. Something about her raw scent had you horny like a dog and you had to clench your jaw in patience not to act out of instinct and try to get closer than needed.

You both laughed and she yelled in excitement “I fucking did it”

And then your voice followed, a bit quieter “I told you, you could do it” she pulled back her arm still on your waist, her thumb caressing the skin as she watched the video a second time in excitement. You took the chance to stand a bit closer to her while she in sync wrapped her whole arm around you and leaned her head against your chest enjoying the dance and pointing out things that you could do differently next time, all in the comfort of each other’s embrace.

She posted the video and in the daze of the excitement of seeing what you two looked like next to each other you forgot to worry about the fact that you were yet again getting entangled with a public figure. An actually big one. While your previous relationship was just your ex leeching off of you and your success, this one…it had to be different. Ellie had nothing to gain from you and you put your trust in that and in the fact that the two of you seemed to genuinely get along

You decided to text her first

“You impatient fuck. We could’ve filmed a better take tomorrow”

“You are such an ass, let me enjoy my accomplishments”

You started tidying up the studio and decided to leave your bag with your ballet clothes and pointe there since you would come tomorrow for Ellie’s lessons anyways. You chatted back and forth all the way back and you almost tripped on your staircase too busy typing a response. You banged your head against your door though thinking you had unlocked it to find that you didn’t. Ophelia opened it for you

“Girl?”

You looked at each other and you immediately broke into a smile the split your lips

“Ellie posted our video. And she left in the part where she hugged me”

“Oh-hooooo” she exclaimed and rushed you in. She tossed the mop on the side of the wall and nudged you to the couch abandoning whatever housework she was in the middle of to listen to you

“Aaaand we are still talking” You said smiling and Ophelia clapped cheering for you while you swung your way inside the house and fell dramatically on the couch.

“Oh my, I’m so glad the Gods heard our prayers cause I was sure I was about to send you off to priesthood”

“It wasn’t that bad”

You said with an offended gasp and she scoffed

“Honey, one more month and you were about to grow back your virginity. I’m just happy to see you back out there and not just with anyone but with The Ellie fucking williams!” She said getting louder with every word. You joined her cheerful demeanor hopping on the couch and you both started bouncing on it like kids in a playground

“I can’t believe this. I wanna wear something good for our practice tomorrow”

“Shorts and that nice red bodysuit!”

“But-“

“No buts! I know it’s uncomfortable but she will see you and rip it off right away so how much will you really suffer, you know?”

Ophelia coming through with the obvious answer to any and every world known issue was exactly what you needed to finish off your day. Though to be fair, if there was anything you should have listened to regarding -making a move on your crush- that would have to be her. She had a banging record of pulling every single guy she set her eyes on and one night standing them for her own satisfaction. Of course now she had her sights on someone specific but that didn’t change or erase all previously acquired skills in the flirting department. Despite all of that, You ended up rejecting the bodysuit idea because that would be a hassle to actually get off if things would go anywhere and even if they wouldn't, anything that tight during summer was a nightmare in general.

“Hey can I borrow that white top you have?”

“Borrow whatever you want and do whatever you want just never let me know about it”

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

on the day that you fully planned on making a move a couple things went wrong. First and foremost well, It decided to rain down which meant you had to run all the way from the bus stop to the studio in a hopeless attempt to preserve your hair and outfit. It didn’t do much since you ended up like a drenched cat either way but you refused to let your mood falter.

You tried texting Ellie to ask if she could bring coffee for you two.

Few minutes later she came in with two iced coffees, not a drop of rain on her which you were awfully jealous of. Her cropped hair was once again all gathered in a short ponytail and she wore two sports wristbands around her arms which did unimaginable things to you. It was good sight with her sleeveless baggy tshirt. Ellie just knew how to dress plain and attractive.

“Looking good” she teased when she found you furiously trying to dry the ends of your hair with a towel

“Shut up. Please shut up”

“So sensitive” she said and rolled her eyes making her way to you and taking the towel from your hands

“Let me help” it wasn’t so much of a request as it was a demand when she pulled the towel out of your hands and moved behind you, wrapping your hair in it and squeezing it to get most of the water out. You felt your body temperature rise at the awfully tender gesture and unsure of what to do you just fidgeted with your hands looking at the floor

“ I can drive you back to your place if you want”

“No, it's fine. Ill wait it out”

“No no, I insist. Let me drive you back and look cool while doing so”

A soft chuckle escaped your lips as she rounded you up to give you the towel with a small shy smile, her cheeks a shade of pink now.

Practice was good if you were to ignore that Ellie seemed a lot more focused on your assets rather than the moves you were showing. You knew the biker shorts you were gave her a 4K view of your ass but you didn't expect her to be this obvious about it. You stepped back after a moment and just watched as she rehearsed the dance on her own and you were in awe on how much more comfortable she seemed with her body now

“Good. This one was very good. Want me to film you so that you look at yourself?”

you asked and she shook her head satisfied with the progress. You slouched on the ground, legs spread and ankles on your knees wiping the sweat of your brow carefully as not wipe your brow completely off with it and looked at the time

“Well we are pretty much done then for today. Unless there’s anything you wanted to ask me or anything else you wanna try doing?” you asked and Ellie followed your lead walking over to you across the room and crouching down on her knees in front of you

“Oh yeah I did wanna ask something”

“go ahead then” you said dreading having to get up. You didn’t have to though

“Can I take you out on a date ? for coffee perhaps?”

[everlasting-glucksucker]

Info dump of my cringetastic Willy Wonka AU:

My head cannons for Wonka is while he's arrogant and overly confident at first, after the betrayal he becomes more cynical and self loathing to a point when he doesn't believe he should make candy anymore. He's at first too trusting, with the desire to tell anyone who wants to know about his candy but then he becomes overly secretive until he can learn to open up again.

In this head cannon/AU he's a grey ace pansexual trans man who initially is just friends with Wilkinson (first name unknown due to him naturally always being called his last name like how you never know the name of friends who go by a weird nickname) and eventually through the betrayal and Wilkinsons loyalty he learns to trust again and eventually loves him.

Wilkinson is a stern and quiet fellow who's been Wonka's friend since the beginning of his career and started off taste testing his new candies due to Wilkinson having a secret sweet tooth that he tried and failed to keep hidden when meeting Willy. He and Willy co-run the company with Wilkinson taking over the paperwork and such so Wonka can focus on making candy. He's also grey ace and is a cis gay man who is a service top.

In this AU though they canonically only have sex 4 times a year during peak business times to destress, Easter Valentine's Halloween and Christmas.

In my AU Wonka and Wilkinson are from a higher dimension with magic and better tech that was destroyed by the Vermisious Knids where Wonka was Wilkinsons knight and they fled using the Wonkazoid (a teleporter cannon in the web series game) and ended up in post WW1 England where an old man who lost his son finds them and confuses Wonka for his son Willy, eventually they learn English and a ton of other languages because Wonka is paranoid and a warrior but over time he becomes relaxed with our world with Wilkinson, but Willy is the only one to adopt a human name

So Wonka and Wilkinson are together in both a trauma bond, but also they were close before the war and eventually they form the chocolate business (Wonka falls for chocolate when the old man gives "Willy" his favorite chocolate as a gift) and then Wilkinson is in love with him but Wonka isn't in love yet. Then as they work together in the business with Wilkinson knowing how to do paperwork and Wonka the creative mind.

Ok so, Willy starts to open his heart more and trusts humanity and opens his factory where he starts to just openly talk about his candies and how're they're made because he loves to tell people and show off his inventions, meanwhile he's still working out and staying fit just in case the Vermisious Knids find their way into this world.

When the betrayal happens with the candy spies he still closes the factory, only now instead of traveling earth he fixes the Wonkazoid to travel into another world, Wilkinson stays behind to tend to what's left of the company and comfort his friend but he clearly understands he can't fix everything that's wrong. Willy travels the world's and ultimately finds himself at Loompaland where he becomes friends with the Oompa Loompas, in this AU he stays for a few years but ultimately the Vermisious Knids end up attacking this world and they need to flee. He offers them a home in his factory alongside the other beings he's met in his travels and they agreed.

He doesn't really care if they work or not, he mostly wanted them to be safe as they're his friends/family now in his heart

So he comes back after about 5 years of just Loompaland with a tan and wearing basically nothing (a parallel to what he wore in their original universe) and a small population who needs a home. Wilkinson immediately agrees as he sees his friend is feeling like his old self and they start to turn the factory into a home

As they're building the new Oompa Loompa village in the factory Wonka truly sees how dedicated Wilkinson is to him(a parallel to how in their original universe Wonka served Wilkinson as his personal guard as he was the prince) and it clicks something in Wonka that he hadn't realized he felt for Wilkinson but he truly loved the man. He had for a long time and only now in seeing just how much he would go with him to see Willy happy again touched him

The Oompa Loompas love chocolate as much as Willy does, as they had coco beans in their universe but they were spare and hard to get to due to the violent creatures that ate the Oompa Loompas.

[easily-infatuated23]

Fall in Love for the Night (Barry Allen x Reader)

a/n: hello! i know its been a long time but i just found this story i wrote a while ago and it was too good not to share. based on the song “Lets Fall in Love for the Night” by Finneas. also i definitely stole the Scarlet Witch name from Marvel but i love her name and powers so i don’t care. its also in first person fight me i dare you

pairing: Barry Allen (CW) x Reader 

summary: Finding herself alone on Valentines Day, the reader decides to fall in love with a stranger. Only, is he really a stranger at all? 

warnings: none?, implications of sex

word count: 2,515

It was one of my least favorite days of the year, Valentines Day. Well, that’s not totally true. I have a complicated relationship with Valentines Day. When I have someone, its a great day. When I’m alone, it’s a glaring reminder that I am indeed alone. It has been a trying couple of years leaving little time to focus on building romantic relationships. There was time for a few meaningless hookups or bad first dates but nothing that could have even been considered to be serious. Being a meta-human certainly didn’t help the situation. After the particle accelerator exploded I had been gifted with telekinesis, energy manipulation, telepathy, and more powers than I could have ever desired or hoped to explain. I had been dubbed “The Scarlet Witch” due to the red hue my magic exuded. Not to be mixed up with Central City’s own “Scarlet Speedster” or “The Flash” as he was commonly referred to.

After a few accidental team ups, I was invited to join “Team Flash” and help them keep our city safe. I was tentative to say yes but I am so glad I did. My one rule was that the Flash and I should still keep our secret identities in case one of us was ever captured. Luckily Cisco developed some tech in our masks that would ensure we wouldn’t recognize our voices or looks when we were together. After a few months, I’ve come to love this life and it’s more rewarding than I could have imagined. And yet, here I am, a super hero alone on Valentines day. I decided that instead of moping in my apartment, I’d go to a karaoke bar and laugh at the horrible singing. I walked in and was immediately engulfed in the smell of alcohol and the screeching of “Dancing Queen” by ABBA. I sat down at the bar and ordered something equivalent to an alcoholic Shirley Temple. A minute or so later, a tall lanky man slumped into the seat next to me and ordered a ginger ale. “You alright?” I asked him. He nodded and chuckled. “My friends convinced me this would be better than staying home tonight but I think I’m getting permanent ear damage” he joked. I laughed. “Yeah I figured seeing people make a fool of themselves would make me feel better about not having a date on Valentines Day” I replied. “Yeah I don’t have one either”. 

There was a moment of comfortable silence. “I’m Y/N Y/L/N by the way” I said, my hand outstretched. “I’m Barry Allen” he replied shaking my hand. I finished the rest of my drink and turned to face Barry, an idea forming in my head. “I have a proposition for you Barry”. He looked at me and cocked his head to one side. “Shoot”. I smiled. “I propose we get back at the whole concept of today by pretending like we’ve been together for years and just fall in love for the night and go our separate ways in the morning. No holding back, no regrets, just doing the stuff that we feel shitty about usually missing on this day. What do you say?” He smiled slightly and looked around. Damn my ‘no mind reading without consent’ policy. “Ok just think about it this way, we are both total strangers! We will probably never see each other again after tonight and if we do, we will just laugh about it. Besides, it’ll make for one hell of a story”. His smile widened. “Alright Y/N you have got your self a deal. Let’s fall in love for the night”. He looked towards his friends who were not so sneakily sneaking out the door of the bar giving him a thumbs up. We both laughed. “Well at least we don’t have an audience” I said. “So what should we do first?” he asked. “How about a shot for extra courage” I recommended. “Bartender, two vodka shots for me and my-” he paused “girlfriend”. I laughed. “My boyfriend, he knows I’m a vodka girl!” I joked. After the shots I got another idea. I looked behind him at the karaoke stage. He turned his head and then looked back at me. “Oh no no no I don’t think so” he said nervously. “Come on Allen, no holding back!” I said grabbing his hand. I pulled him up to the stage and queued up a song. “Don’t I at least get a say in the song choice?” “Nope!” I said, ruffling his hair. He laughed and looked at the monitor. The lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey began to scroll. He scoffed a bit and rolled his eyes, but his smile was a constant. I started the song off. He seemed surprised that I could actually sing. Together we sang and laughed and eventually the whole bar was singing with us. During the musical break he spun me around and we danced until the lyrics came back. When the song finally ended we clung to each other as we left the stage. “That was so much fun!” he remarked. “I think we sounded pretty good to” I added. “Whats next?” he asked me. “Hey I’ve made all the decisions so far so it’s up to you now.” He thought for a moment. “We’re going bowling” he announced. He stretched his hand out. I smiled and accepted. “Lead the way handsome”.

We made our way to the Bowlarama and the game began. “I must warn you, I am an awesome bowler” he bragged. “Oh is that right?” I said. I took a step forward so our chests were nearly touching, purposefully trying to build tension. “I’m an awful bowler” I said finally. He exhaled and laughed, turning away from me. With that, the game was on. As we took turns the in between banter began to heat up. Each time we passed each other we got closer, sometimes so close we would just whisper what we had to say. I used any and every pet name I could think of and he pretended to be wounded whenever I used his real name. He pretended to teach me how to bowl and I pretended to be more clueless after each attempt. And then, completely by accident, I bowled a strike. “Oh my god, I did it!” I exclaimed, jumping up and down. “Yes!” Barry was as excited as I was. We ran to each other and embraced. My legs left the ground and he spun me around. When the spinning stopped and my feet touched the ground, we froze. We were pressed up against each other, our faces only inches from touching. Before either of us could fully process, a voice spoke up. “Uh this is a public place”. We turned to find a somewhat annoyed father shielding his squirming kids’ eyes. We quickly separated and laughed. After a few moments of silence and averted eye contact Barry spoke. “Well, the night is still young, what do you wanna do next?”. I looked at my phone. “Well, it’s only 9 so…” my voice trailed a bit. “Actually, could we head back to my place quickly? I wanna turn my lights on so that it looks like I’m home before we head out to our next location”. “Ok sounds good” he replied. 

We made our way back to my apartment complex, arms linked the whole time. Once we reached the door, he opened it like a gentleman. We entered the elevator and I pushed the button for the 5th floor. As the doors closed I looked at Barry. We were standing a few feet apart. I did an exaggerated side step and grabbed his hand. He looked slightly startled but squeezed my hand, bringing it up and kissing the back. I felt myself blush, trying to contain the goofy grin I knew I was sporting. He did the same. The elevator doors opened and I lead Barry to my little slice of heaven. I unlocked the door and entered, gesturing for him to follow. “This should only take a sec”. He put his hands in his pockets and looked around. “This is a really cool place”. “Thanks!” I said. “Oh cool!” he said, making his way deeper into the loft towards a Doctor Who poster on the wall. “Are you a Doctor Who fan?” I asked. “Yeah I love it”. I smiled and stood next to him. “I take a lot of inspiration from the Doctor in my daily life” I said. “Oh yeah?” he replied. “Hmmn. I strive to be kind and brave while still doing no harm to anyone” I answered, my eyes fixed on the poster of the TARDIS. I looked back at Barry to find he was already staring at me, a sincere smile painting his face. I took a step closer to him, he repeated this action. I felt strange. I’d had butterflies before but this was something different. My heart was actually aching for him, like if we didn’t touch soon my heart would just break from the hope and anticipation. I looked down at his hand and interlaced my fingers with his before looking into his eyes. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead on mine, our noses touching. I was afraid to speak or even breathe as the slightest movement would cause our lips to touch. The silence was broken when Barry chuckled and pulled away. 

“What?” I asked, somewhat breathlessly. “When you said we should fall in love for tonight you really weren’t kidding” he said, continuing to chuckle softly as he sat down on my couch. I let out a short laugh and shook my head slightly, joining him on the couch. “It has been fun hasn’t it” I said looking at him. He nodded. “I haven’t felt normal in a long time so I feel like I needed something like this” I finished. “Yeah, I’d say that’s an understatement”. We made eye contact and began to laugh more. “You really are a shit bowler by the way” he said. I scoffed and feigned offense. “How dare you” I exclaimed. I picked up a throw pillow and hit him in the arm, a little harder than I intended. “Oh is that how it is?” he asked cockily. “Yeah that’s how it is” I replied, mimicking his tone. “Its so on” he replied grabbing a pillow next him. I let out a small scream as the pillow fight began. I got in a few hits but Barry was clearly winning. In a last ditch effort to gain control, I tackled him from over the arm of the couch and pinned him down. Again, we froze as we realized the position we put ourselves in. I was on top of him, practically straddling him, and his hands were around my waist. Our noses were nearly touching. My heart ached again. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean-“ I began, sitting up and swinging my leg off of him. “No uh it’s fine I um-“ he stammered, sitting up as well. 

We sat in silence for a moment. Then he spoke. “You know what screw it.” He grabbed my hip and my hand as I swung my leg back over him so I was now straddling his lap facing him, my hands on his shoulders and his hands around my waist. “I’m gonna kiss you” he said. “Please do” I replied urgently, my hands already making their way to his cheeks. Our lips crashed together passionately, the night-long tension finally breaking. My hands moved between his cheeks and hair while his hands wandered from my waist and under my shirt along my back. We finally broke to catch our breath. After a few more pecks on the lips we laughed together. “You know, we did say that we would do all the stuff we usually miss on Valentines Day….” I said between more kisses. “Thats true” he replied, peppering kisses down my neck. We both paused and he cupped my cheeks. “Are you sure you wanna do this?” he asked seriously. “I need to feel all of you” I replied. He smirked. I pushed myself off and offered my hand. He took it and stood up. I pulled him in and kissed him more. “Follow me” I said, leading him to my bed room. 

~the next day~

“The sex was absolutely incredible and then he spent the night! When he left this morning I was actually sad to see him go- I mean the whole night was just so incredible” I said to Caitlin, telling my story about the night before. “And you seriously aren’t going to tell me this guys name?? Did you even get his number?” She replied. “Nope. We decided it would just be a one night thing; a unique shared experience”. “Wow,” Caitlin said sighing. “Well I’m gonna go run the training course, I’ll see ya in 30” I said, walking down the hall. “Morning Scarlet” “Morning Speedy”. The Flash entered the Cortex and greeted Caitlin, a huge grin on his face. “Woah someone is happy this morning”. “Yeah I had the most incredible night of my life last night”. “Really?…” Caitlin questioned, beginning to put the puzzle pieces together. “Yeah I met this amazing girl and it was like we lived an entire relationship in one night”. Cait chuckled. “Let me guess, she made you sing ‘Don’t Stop Believing at the karaoke bar I declined to attend with you last night”. He raised his eyebrow. “Wait yeah how did you know that?” he asked. Caitlin cackled and began to walk out of the room. “I have to find Cisco this is too good!”. He stood in the Cortex puzzled. Then he heard Cisco’s booming laughter followed by loud chatter. “Guys what are you doing I just started the course, what’s going on?” I asked Caitlin and Cisco as they pulled me back into the Cortex. The two stood behind the desk and looked at the two heroes in front of them. “Scarlet how was your Valentines Day?” Cisco asked, a huge smile on his face. “Uh oh yeah it was incredible, I bowled my first strike without bumpers” I replied. I looked at the Flash and his jaw dropped. “Flash, how was yours?” Caitlin asked. “I…fell for a stranger” he replied slowly. My jaw dropped as well. Cisco and Caitlin sat down and waited for what they hoped would happen next. The Flash and I tentatively took off our respective masks. When I looked up, I found the eyes of Barry Allen staring back at me. He sighed and smiled. “Thank god” Barry said, quickly pulling me into a deep kiss. Caitlin and Cisco fist bumped and then left the Cortex. We finally pulled away and looked into each others eyes. “I couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing you again” he said. “You are never gonna get rid of me Speedy” I replied smiling. We kissed again, finally being true to ourselves and to each other. 

masterlist 

[gaast]

What do you find most attractive in fictional characters? Give one physical trait and one personality trait if possible!

"If possible."

It really all depends, but you know that, on a basic level, I'm a sucker for blond anime boys for some reason. If they're the type to just smile mysteriously instead of answering a question about themselves, so much the better.

But I think my favorite characters in general are the ones who are determined to do what they think is right regardless of how painful or self-destructive it might be to do so, or how futile it might be overall (Hikigaya Hachiman, Lightning Farron, Siffrin). As you can see, I also really like characters who have to learn how to be vulnerable and learn how to (let themselves) express their feelings, especially with people they come to consider family.

I LOVE when characters are cheerful and never fully lose their optimism but have to acknowledge that they have been wrong wrong wrong and hurting people who they care about and let their friends help pick them up and learn and grow (Rex, and, in a way, Luke fon Fabre). But I also really love when characters just let themselves descend into their worst tendencies, acknowledging their own flaws while refusing to change them, just becoming a poisonous wreck incapable of forming meaningful comnections in favor of idolizing the self (Isamu Nitta, Albedo Piazzolla).

Of course, I also adore supremely cheerful characters whose lives are so fucking tough and to whom the world is almost nightmarish and who absolutely refuse to let that stop them from being happy and kind and helpful and naive (Marona, Sora). I love when characters who dont deserve that nightmare world decide to take revenge on it and then find the people they love and calm down and find peace and forgiveness in their hearts (Roxas, Axel, Walnut, Godot). But I also love when characters who wanted so desperately to do good end up so broken that they decide to become the villain (Big Boss, Lusamine, Guzma, Egil, Sprout).

Of course, I also adore characters who INSIST that they are evil but only if you frame it the right way (Laharl, Rozalin). I mean, characters who know they're evil but have a pathos about them get me too (Sigma, Metallia). But I think better than even those is when a nightmarishly powerful, truly deadful, overhwelmingly evil character decides to allow themself to change and be changed and become better people (Killia, Lambda).

But shoutouts to idealists who fall and never comfortably fit into villainy (Jin), idiots with ahoges who Blue Screen over something truly devastating happening to them only to decide their own new identities and throw off the reigns of the patrons who had for so long been manipulating them (Yumihiko Ichiyanagi, Shulk), and the characters who the developers didn't even realize they were queercoding (or maybe they did) who let us read so much pining into them it hurts (Reyn, Neku Sakuraba).

Also I love love love love LOVE when a character will sacrifice themself to protect someone, even if it's fucking STUPID of them and all they need to do is TRUST PEOPLE (Simon Blackquill), and characters who trust the protagonist but who the protagonist just can't trust implicitly (Klavier Gavin), and those very protagonists (Apollo Justice), and, yeah, I love a lot of characters and types.

I just love complexity and messiness and idealism in the face of despair (Makoto Naegi) and despair in the face of hope (Nagito Komaeda). I love bastards who know they're bastards, I love good people who fought long and hard to be good people and who will never acknowledge it (Solid Snake), I love good brothers (Gladion), I love cute friends (Hau), I love happiness and joy and I love sadness and despair. I love a lot. I have a lot of love.

[cochineal-tanto]

A Bakugo x F!reader.

Readers pronouns: They/Them

TW: Mentions of sh scars.

This is not a romantic-focused oneshot. It's mainly how you and your peers react to your scars. I hope I can provide some survivors with some comfort and let you know that you shouldn't be considered as abnormal for having scars. Please do not read if you get triggered by mentions of self harm.

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It would be a while before your peers would discover them. You had been hiding for quite some time, and the people around you slowly adapted to your warm exterior clothing. There was normally the switch between long sweaters, jumpers and any plain long shirt you could find.

Mina, one of your closest friends, did ask once for your reasoning. Due to your quirk, you could back up your statements by saying it was useful in the field of battle. She held her chin for a moment of ponder, but she merely smiled at you, changing the subject to something less personal. This was the first of a few conversations regarding your long sleeve shirts.

You figured the questions would ease up a little if you began to show skin in other areas that were not harmed. Your legs were one of the few survivors, the only place that would be noticeable is your thighs. The shorts would cover those though.

Kirishima was the second person to ask why you consistently wore such clothing. You gave your average response, that it was useful for your quirk and it was your preferred choice. He seemed rather skeptical about your answer, his eyebrows a little lower than usual. However, he eventually rubbed it off as well.

These conversations left you a bit eerie, wondering how your peers would react if they eventually found out about your past. It had always been a difficult topic for you, especially since some people you previously told did not have nice reactions. You sort of shut yourself off to the world, keeping your emotions on the down-low. The group of people you are surrounded by now are the friendliest you've stumbled upon. A part of you suspects some might even comfort you if you told them. Your thoughts would always counteract your positivity, making you reflect on those past people.

Your current solution was to not say a word, you have silenced yourself. It was a rather unhealthy habit, but your mind was comforted by the fact you didn't have to re-experience a traumatic event. There was the occasional mini-heart attack when your sleeves would roll up too high washing your hands or doing simple tasks like bringing in textbooks.

Those moments always happened around people.

There was this one day where you slipped up. You were accompanied by Kaminari, carrying some equipment Aizawa sent to the dorm-rooms. Neither of you knew what it was, your task was to bring the boxes in with care and set them down. Kaminari almost let his curiousity get the better of him, but you stepped on his toes, disciplining him immediately.

You shifted the boxes into one hand as you opened the door, then quickly resorted back to holding what seemed to be bricks in a box. Kaminari somehow managed to fall into you, knocking the both of you over. The boxes ended up on top of you, however you still managed to hold onto your own boxes.

"Holy shit, I'm so sorry y/n." Kaminari splattered out, removing the boxes immediately. During the fall, you held your boxes closer to your chest to save them. A firm grip on either side. As you fell, you felt your sleeve slip up half way up your arm. This was the least of your worries at the time, but reflecting back on it gives you a form of anxiety. All of the 'what-ifs' flung around in your mind, most of the scenarios came out negative. You were lucky to have time to pull down your sleeve when you picked up the boxes again.

That happened around a week ago, no other suspicions were made within your classroom. You gave a valid excuse and they all believed it, some were skeptical of course.

Bakugo is one of the only people who hasn't asked about it, you two barely talked at all so it made sense. He is in the same friend group as you are, the self-proclaimed bakusquad. You never understood why his name was the core of the group, seeing as he almost never spoke. If anything, you would've thought it could be named after Kirishima or Mina.

Both of them were supportive, friendly and funny. Other qualities behind them as well. Mina knew how to make you laugh and Kirishima knew your body language and could interpret your feelings. Those two understood you the most of the class.

If Kirishima saw you a little hunched on your desk in Hero Literature, he proceeded to ask if you were alright or if he could help you in any way. You declined most of the time, as the reason for your emotions were pretty minor. You would often explain you missed your pet, which you did most of the time, but it seemed to be easier to say. The mess in your head couldn't be explained thoroughly.

Mina is the type to recognise voice patterns, if you weren't in a good mood your speaking pace would slow down and your voice would go lower. Almost every time she was successful in bringing you to a better mood. She is one of the reasons you stay sober. As hard as it is, seeing her smile is all you wanted. You didn't want to self-harm anymore, you wanted to grow as a person.

The bakusquad walked into the cafeteria, sitting down in the usual spot. The topic for today was the beach. You always loved listening to the water splash along the pointed rocks, you liked hearing the seagulls in the background and you loved to swim as well. Your friends were making detailed plans when it comes to the holidays, going to the beach and cinemas were the main topics floating around.

"I'm not available on Sundays, that's the day I have with my mum." Kirishima explained, plopping some steak in his mouth.

"That's really nice that you have a day for your mum, Kiri. Uhm..what about Saturday?" Mina asked.

The group fell silent, everyone thinking if they were free. Bakugo blankly looked at his food, you thought he was probably making an excuse not to go. You wanted the same thing, but the idea of going to the beach did sound pretty fun to you.

"I think that'll work actually. What about you guys?" Kirishima said.

A complication of agreement went around the table, the group was getting excited about the trip. This was the best time of year, the winter holidays. It wasn't long because it was U.A High, but it gave the students a two week break. You looked over to the other groups of students in your class, they looked like they were making plans as well.

You thought it was pretty cute, seeing everyone excited to hang out with each other.

"Y/N, Bakugo, you two haven't said anything. Did you want to come with us?" Sero leaned across the table to speak to you two. You frowned, only now realising something you should have minutes ago.

"I don't exactly...have a swimsuit." You lied, thinking about the cute one piece you had. You would have loved to wear it, if they knew about your scars.

"You're joking right?" Mina asked, shocked you even said that.

"No...I never went swimming for the past couple of years actually."

"Well lets go shopping then! I'll find the cutest swimwear for you! Oh- We could even be matching if you wanted!" Mina grabbed your shoulders, shaking you with a smile on her face. You laughed at her enthusiasm.

"Are you coming with us, Bakubro?" Kirishima asked, pausing Mina's torture on you.

"Yeah! You should come with us." Mina exclaimed.

"No, I'm not doing shit with you losers." Bakugo mumbled, eating some of his food.

"If we're losers then why do you sit with us?" You inquired.

"They have a point dude, it'll be fun." Sero explained.

"Bakugo can you not swim or something? Are you scared we'll find out that's your weakness?" You said jokingly.

"I can swim better than all of you!"

"Oh? Then show us!" You smiled.

"Fine!"

"Alright that sounds like a plan! We'll go shopping for Y/N, then take the bus to the beach." Kirishima stated, a grin on his face. He was happier than the rest of the group that Bakugo was tagging along. It's not the easiest task to get him and his ego out of the dormitories.

As soon as the bell rang, all of you walked back to your next class. You were slowly beginning to panic. How come you didn't think of this sooner?

You should have realised what would happen. Taking a deep breath in, you calmed down a little. It wasn't too late to make an excuse right?

"Hey Mina..." You started.

"Yeah?"

"About the swimwear..." You looked at your friend, a she had a smile on her face. She matched your pace, looking up at you eagerly.

You shut down because of this. You couldn't say that to her, her face is purer than a puppies. Saying you didn't want to go would crush her.

"What pattern is yours? I can go and get one before so we don't waste time on the day." You smiled.

"Oh! I have multiple actually. I have a forest-like one, a blue one, a black one..." She laughed.

"Can we match on the black one?" You asked.

"Yes! Can I go shopping with you so we have the same one?" Mina asked excitedly.

"Wait I thought we were shopping on Saturday?" Kaminari joined the conversation.

"Y/N wants to go earlier so they don't waste time on the day!"

"Did you guys want to go after school? We don't have anything on I don't think. Plus I need new clothes." Sero added.

Everyone else jumbled in that they needed some shirts or needed to go shopping in general. Your heart sank, knowing all of them would see now.

You thought maybe you could tell Mina while you two shopped, but now it was a lot more difficult.

They were now dragging Bakugo along, since he wasn't doing anything either. Somehow Kirishima said he needed new swimming shorts. You always wondered how he could make his way into Bakugos room and snoop through his wardrobe.

"Alright! We'll go back to the dorms, get changed and go shopping!" Mina sung happily. A hop now present in her step.

You have got to be kidding.

------------------------------------

The amount of dread you felt during last period was appalling. You slouched on your chair, head on desk, trying to think of solutions. Nothing was working. You could just break you leg as an excuse.

Kirishima sat next to you in this class, he eyed you, wondering why you weren't as excited as everyone else was. Mina was chatting with the rest of the girls, Kaminari and Sero were talking with Bakugo and you and Kirishima were at the back.

"Y/N are you alright?" He asked, leaning on the desk the same as you.

You let out an aggressive sigh, slumping even more. This was the one thing you hated, telling people how you felt. Kirishima, the poor thing, had no idea how fast your heart was pounding from just thinking.

"Does it look like I'm okay?" You replied, looking up at him through your arms.

"No...? What's bothering you?" Kirishima asks again.

"I'm scared to go shopping." You confess, now realise how strange that sounded.

"Why is that?" He pressed a little.

"I don't...like changing in front of people and I don't know if I even want to go to the beach anymore."

"If you're worried about Kaminari snooping, we'll all look out for you. We don't want you to be uncomfortable around us."

"I doubt Kaminari is like that towards me anymore, he stopped his shenanigans with Mineta ages ago." You say up, getting more interested inthe conversation.

"Well yeah, but I thought you might still be a bit uncomfortable around him."

"Not really, he actually apologised in the change rooms a few weeks back. I'm not concerned about him."

"Then what's the real reason?"

You stayed silent, debating against yourself.

"Is it to do with changing in front of the guys? I'll make sure they'll all leave once you try things on."

The bell rang, signalling the end of the school day. You breathed in relief, knowing you didn't have to tell him, but also panicked knowing you had to go shopping now.

------------------------------------

"Y/N! Hurry up! We're all waiting for you." Mina knocked on your door impatiently.

"In a minute!"

"Make it less than a minute!"

"Mina!" You laughed, throwing on a shirt that covered yourself.

You looked at yourself in the mirror, doing breathing exercises. An uneasy feeling in your gut started to form, not helping you in the slightest.

"Y/N!"

"Coming!" You shouted, opening your door to see Mina grinning.

"You have no patience you know that?"

She merely shrugged, grabbed you and ran to the elevator in the dorms.

"Would you let me walk?" You say to her, afraid you'll fall over.

"No! You took way too long to get dressed, so now we're rushing you!"

------------------------------------

"Mina, that would suit you more than me..." You say, looking at the brightly coloured two piece in her hands.

"Try it! It's your size! You'll look cute I promise." She shoves them in your hands and shoves you into the changing cubicle.

You strip yourself, throwing your jeans carelessly on the shelf. Taking of your shirt, you see the scars on your upper and lower left arm. You pause, staring at them. You lift your hand and run over them with your fingers.

You feel your mood drop at the situation you're in. Having to go to the beach with these? You saw it as impossible. Not only would your closest friends see, but strangers would judge you. That's what you thought would happen.

"Y/N are you done yet? Can you show us?" Mina asked through the door.

You take off your bra and put on the top part of the two piece. It did look really nice on you, the colours weren't your favourite, but it worked. You try on the bottoms.

"You okay in there?" Mina asked, more concerned.

"Uh, yeah hold on." You comment, slipping on the bottoms.

This was the cutest thing you have laid eyes on, the colours complimented your skin, the size made your body look amazing and you looked really damn good. You smiled at yourself, feeling accomplished.

You hear movement outside of the door, Kirishimas voice being the most evident.

"I think we should let Mina see first, then let them decide if they want us to see them." You heard Kirishima say, smiling at his words.

"Yeah we'll do that. Y/N! The guys will wait outside the store, so you can show me if you want!" Mina said through the door.

You mentally thank Kirishima, unlocking the door. You pause.

"Hey..Mina?" You call out.

"Yeah?"

"Please don't freak out."

"Why...would I freak out? How good do you look Y/N?!"

"No, Mina, there's something you need to know." You start, debating if you should keep going.

"Did you want me to come in?" She asked.

"Uhm, yeah actually."

You open the door, a short pink haired girl walks in, she looks up at you. You currently had your arms over one another, successfully hiding them.

"Damn you look good as hell! I don't even think we could share anymore! You have to wear this." She exclaimed with a massive smile.

You smile gratefully, her enthusiasm lighting you up a little.

"Wait, what is it you wanted to tell me? Sorry, I got captivated by your beauty." She giggled a little.

"Hey, where'd they go? Mina? Y/N?" Sero called out. Chatter comes from outside of the door.

"We're in here!" Mina called back.

"Oh-maybe we should leave them..." Kaminari says, implying something.

"Kaminari! We're not gay!" You say out loud. You hear laughter outside.

"Even if you are, hurry up! We need to get back soon. We all got some of our stuff." Kaminari complained.

"Ignore them, what's wrong?" Mina asked you.

You look down, shame filling your insides.

"Y/N...?"

You argue against holding back, so you let go of yourself and let your arms falls by your side. You look everywhere but at her, you didn't want to see her reaction.

"Y/N, why didn't you tell me?" Mina asked, hugging you. You stumbled back from the force.

You didn't reply to her, you just stood there, not hugging her back. You felt that emotion come up from the depths of your heart, and a few years escape to help you cope.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, you should've told me you're struggling." Mina adds, her voice lower and sincere.

"I didn't know how to bring it up..." You say, hugging her back.

You two stayed silent for a few minutes, reassuring words came from Mina while you two talked about it the the cubicle. The boys outside didn't understand the concept of the situation, but they heard you crying. Kirishima reflected on his conversation with you in the classroom, he didn't realise it was this major. He frowns, unsure of what to do. Kaminari, Sero and Bakugo sat on the bench, while Kirishima was leaning on the door.

He knew eavesdropping wasn't a good thing to do, but he wanted to help you the best he could. To do that, he had to know what was happening.

"They won't get mad at all, Y/N. You don't have to worry about them." Mina faintly whispers, only for Kirishima to hear.

"Mina, you know they won't take it well. Kirishima might be, but the rest- and Bakugo? It won't work." He heard you say. Your voice sounded different to him. He never heard you have a worried voice, you always had a calm and collected one. The one he was listening to, made him feel the way you were.

Bakugo looked at Kirishima. His eyes were focused on the ground, his leg hoisted on the wall as he faced the rest of the guys. Bakugo saw his bottom lip quiver and walked next to him. He ended up eavesdropping as well.

"Y/N, we're your friends. We'll all be here for you and listen to you. All you need to do is tell us and we'll help." Mina says. Bakugo frowns and turns his head at the sound of you crying. He could tell you were trying to hide it as best you could.

"I don't know what will happen. What if they don't look at me the same?"

"Y/N don't worry about what they'll think. If anything, we will help you. We want you to feel comfortable around us. You remember those times where Kirishima would hang around you at random times?"

"Yeah?"

"It's because he noticed something was different with you those days, and you know how Kaminari made you that Spotify playlist?"

You stayed silent.

"He remembered every song you smiled at this past year. Every time you walked into the store and heard your favourite bang or favourite singer, he would always ask someone what it was." Mina explained.

Mina noticed you were still silent, but none the less continued.

"Sero knew you wanted to play the guitar for a while, so he asked Jirou to help him in order to teach you. You remember last week when you were watching that movie in your room?"

"Which one?" You smiled a little through your tears.

"The one that you thought was childish and lame." She laughed a little.

"I watched those movies when I had free time and let me tell you-the main character did not deserve anything bad that happened to him. I cried so hard when his father died." Mina laughed a little, your eyes lit up, knowing she was talking about one of your favourite shows.

"Oh and Bakugo? He talks really highly of you." Mina paused.

"He does?" You asked.

"Yeah! Remember that match you had with Todoroki around last month? Everyone thought you would lose, but he shut everyone up and said that you were faster on your feet. He yelled at them, saying not to underestimate you. He believed in you when no-one else did." Mina told you with a smile on her face.

"Oh that's really-" She hushed you with her finger.

"Y/N I'm not finished. He saw Mineta on our floor in the dormitories, and he was walking towards you room. You really need to lock your doors by the way- anyway, he grabbed Mineta by his collar. He dragged him down the elevator, into the common room and gave him to Aizawa." Mina says.

You open your mouth to say something, but she stops you again.

"Still not finished. He heard Monoma talking down on our class and Bakugo started listing all of the ways we were better than them. He used you as one of the examples. He said you were smart, prepared, stronger than anyone in 1-B and could take all of them at once." Mina explained.

"Mina that last one is probably a lie." You frowned at her.

"No the hell it's not." You heard a voice outside the change room. Kirishima looked up at Bakugo, concerned that he just caught everyone eavesdropping.

"I don't know why you think of yourself the way you do, but you're one of the strongest here. When you were at your internship with-whatever the fuck his name is-," Bakugo started.

"You mean Kamui Woods." Kaminari corrected. You laughed a little.

"Shut up Dunce Face! Anyway, I saw you stand up for those people against that villain. It was obvious you wouldn't win that one, but you still stayed. A lot of people called you a damned idiot for trying-" Bakugo paused, finding the words.

"Honestly, Y/N, I thought that made you better than the rest of those extras."

Mina had witnessed the widest smile you have ever made in your life, your cheeks turned a brighter shade and your eyes seemed to light up. Your posture straightened. What caught Mina most by surprise, is that you stood up and unlocked the door.

You poke you head out with a grateful smile on your face, completely forgetting about what you're wearing, or what was on you. Bakugo didn't look at you, he looked the opposite way actually. Kirishima, Kaminari and Sero noticed your scars, but Mina glared at them. Making a hand signal not to.

"I've never heard you say such things before. Might've taken you a lot of courage huh?" You said jokingly. He whipped his head around, taking it the wrong way.

His face turned from anger to a confused one. You were smiling at him, which caught him off guard. Your hands were interlocked in front of you, your swimsuit making you shine brighter. He was gob-smacked.

He noticed your scars as well, a quick glance at them. He couldn't stop the frown that made its way to his face. You paused, your smile falling. Until you realised what he was looking at.

You quickly covered up, shame filling you up again. Bakugo looked back up at your distressed face and realise what happened. He walks up to you.

You step back, unsure of what his expression means. It looked hurt, curious and angry at the same time. You didn't know what else to do.

He grabbed you and pulled you into him, his arms snaking around you and his head buried in your shoulder.

"It's okay. I won't hurt you."

Your shocked expression remained, confused by his sudden warmth. You realised he was hugging you and returned it, equally as graceful as his. You two remained there for a moment until he finally spoke.

"You could have said something."

You relaxed your muscles, knowing your friends finally know.

"I didn't know if I should have..." You confessed to him.

"Whether you like it or not-" He let go of you, held you on both shoulders and looked you in the eye.

"We're equal. You're one of us. Everyone has a damn weakness, but that doesn't mean you're weak."

"You're our friend, Y/N, you can talk to us about these things." Kirishima adds from the background.

You remained silent, a smile forming on your face. Bakugos eyes widened as you began crying again.

"Hey, you alright?" He leaned closer as if it would help him see better.

You started laughing. He grew extremely concerned.

"Are they laughing or crying?" Kaminari asked to Sero.

You look up at Bakugo, whose face was painted with worry. You merely smiled at him.

"Thank you, Bakugo." You said sincerely. Bakugos normal face emerged and he scoffed.

"Yeah whatever, it was nothing."

Mina comes up and tackles you in a hug aggressively.

"Told you it would work out." She smiled up at you.

------------------------------------

You ended up buying that two piece. Turns out everyone in the group loved it on you, as they told you in their off ways.

"Bakubro! You'll get sunburnt!" Kirishima scolds him as Bakugo runs away from him. You and Mina were eating sandwiches as you watched Sero and Kaminari make a sand castle. It had a cool design as well, arches and windows were created. Watching them share one braincell was captivating.

"Fuck off shitty hair!" Bakugo yells and trips over the sand castle, ruining it completely. Kaminaris expression caused you and Mina to wheeze of laughter. Kaminari stood up, making his way to a fallen Bakugo. You sighed and stood up from the towel you were sitting on.

"Alright idiots, Kaminari build your castle in a better spot where it won't get run over and Bakugo-put on some damn sunscreen. You're turning into a lobster." You said with your hands on your hips.

"Bakugo." You repeated.

He stood up and sprinted the opposite direction.

"Hey-! What?! You can't do that! Get back here!" You shouted, chasing after him. Mina threw you a sunscreen bottle as you chased him.

"Kirishima! A little help?!" You shouted, he started running after him as well. Soon enough Kaminari and Sero joined in the chase of Bakugo. Bakugo dodged and jumped over his peers, which were faceplanted in the sand.

"Kaminari! You okay?" You laughed at his sprawled out position in the sand. Sero fell soon after, only just latching onto Bakugos legs.

"I got sand in my mouth!" Kaminari yelled in the distance, causing you and Kirishima to laugh.

"Kiri! Keep chasing him! I'll cut him off!" You shouted and took off to the beachline. Kirishima chased him towards you, while you cut him off. You ran besides Bakugo, latched onto him and flung yourself and him into the water.

Bakugo grabbed your arm in the water, dragging you down. What he didn't know is that you couldn't swim. You should have thought of that before you flung into the water.

Your hand was stretched near the surface as you struggled for air. Kicking your legs and arms violently. The gap between the surface water and the bottom of the ocean became longer.

Loud muffled explosions were heard in the water, you see a blurred figure moved quickly towards you. A person grabbed onto your waist tightly and hoisted you above the water with an explosion.

You coughed violently as Bakugo laid you on the beach, you threw up water as he held your hair back.

"You idiot! Why the hell would you do that if you couldn't swim! You could've died!" Bakugo shouted.

"Well I didn't now, did I?" You say breathlessly, still trying to breathe.

"Don't you ever do that again!" He shouted. Footsteps neared and you saw Mina, Kaminari, Kirishima and Sero surround you.

"Y/N! That wasn't smart at all!" Mina said, holding you upright.

"Eh that was one good shove though." You laughed, looking at Bakugo. He smirked a little back at you.

"Yeah, it wasn't so bad." He commented. A frown formed on his face again.

"Seriously, don't do something stupid like that again!" He yelled.

"Yeah, yeah...gotcha." You said. Bakugo and Kirishima helped you stand upright.

------------------------------------

"That was a fun day, we should do that again sometime." You said as you all walk back to the bus-stop.

"Besides you almost dying, yeah it was!" Mina exclaimed.

"Hey there's ice-cream over there." Sero points out and starts running towards it.

"Sero-! What'd we say about-" You pause, feeling a rush of air run past you. Kaminari sprints after Sero.

"Hey! Wait up!" Kirishima chased after as well. Mina apologised to you, but ran after them as well.

"They're idiots." Bakugo stated.

"Yeah, but they're our idiots." You replied, looking slightly up at him.

"Bakugo?" You ask.

"Yeah?" He looks down slightly at you.

"You said you would put on some sunscreen."

"I don't have to listen to you." He stated, walking ahead of you. His skin was turning a light shade of red, which annoyed you.

"Okay, know-it-all, your skin will peel tomorrow if you don't. That is really painful for the record."

He simply looked back at you.

"Notice the front of my bodies fine?" He asked, walking backwards.

"Yeah?" You frown confused.

"Idiot, I can't put sunscreen on my back even if I wanted to."

"Oh...did you want me to do it for you?" You ask, he stopped walking and you stopped in front of him.

"Well...?" You pressed.

"Sure, but only if I do yours too. You're more red than me." He turned around, walking near the ice-cream stand. Your eyes widen.

"Wait seriously?! Is it that bad? Why didn't you tell me!" You shouted, frantically trying to look at your back.

"Sit down here." He pointed at the steps, you obliged as he sat a step behind you.

"Sunscreen." He said, holding his hand in front of you.

"Oh, right. That would help actually." You give him the sunscreen and he puts some on his hand.

"Does Y/N realise I did their sunscreen like 5 minutes ago?" Mina asked as Kirishima grabbed his ice-cream cone.

"Of course they do." Sero said as he stands next to Kaminari.

Kirishima and Mina look at Sero, confused.

"Look at their face." Sero pointed to you.

There you were, having a slight, but noticeable blush on your face. You were smiling like a damn idiot. Bakugo had the same expression, saving the smile.

"Wait a minute-" Mina started.

"Do you think they-" Kaminari said as he looked over.

"They like each other, I thought you all caught on." Sero looked shocked by his friends stupidity.

"How did I not realise." Mina facepalms herself.

"Yeah, I thought you would know first, Mina." Sero looks down on her.

You felt his hands trace over your back, sunscreen being rubbed in thoroughly. His hands were rough, but so gentle at the same time.

"Are you done yet? I have to do yours." You complain.

"You have no patience." Bakugo said.

After about two minutes of feeling his fingers...on your back. He told you he was finished and that you two could switch.

"Sunscreen." You say, mimicking him from earlier. He gave you the tube and you put some on your hand. You began to get a bit shy, but proceeded anyway. You rubbed the sunscreen in thoroughly, spreading it all over his back. You focused in his shoulders, as they were the most effected.

"Well...what's happening here?" Kirishima asked as he walked beside the rest of the group.

"Sunscreen. His back is too red." You held up the bottle to show him. Something urged you to look up at Mina, so you did.

She gave you the most obvious suggestive look and looked at him. You frowned, not quite understanding what she was trying to do.

That was until she wiggled her eyebrows at you, and your face heated up as if you were hanging upside down. You paused what you were doing and covered your face. Everyone started laughing besides you and Bakugo.

"Damn idiots." Bakugo mumbled and walked to the ice-cream truck. By that sentence, you knew he saw what Mina did.

"Mina...seriously?" You started.

"Absolutely!" Mina smiled and sat down beside you on the steps.

"I hate it here.." You mumbled, embarrassed. You looked at Bakugo who held two ice-cream cones. He walked up to you, crouched and gave you your favourite flavoured ice-cream. You looked at him, while he was looking anywhere but you.

"Thank you Bakugo." You smiled, as you smiled he looked back and saw it. His face turned the colour of his shoulders. He sighed and sat down next to you.

"It's your favourite." Bakugo said plainly.

"Did you want some?" You asked. He looked at you and frowned.

"Try it. It's good." You pressed.

"Did you want me to...lick it or?" He frowned, even more confused.

"No I want you to drink it. Yes, you lick it." You said sarcastically.

He proceeds to take the biggest bite you've ever seen out of the ice-cream.

"Bakugo!" You shouted at him.

He started laughing, his mouth full.

"You're such an idiot! You'll never chew that!" You started laughing as well. He covered his mouth and panicked. You laughed harder.

"You're lucky you got me two scoops, otherwise I would've ripped it out of you." You said to him and licked your ice-cream peacefully. He gave you the middle finger as he aggressively tried to chew it.

Once he was finished he looked at you, annoyed.

"I didn't do it." You laughed at his face. He smiled as you laughed.

------------------------------------

"Goodmorning Midoriya." You say, smiling at him.

"Goodmorning Y/N!" Midoriya sat behind you as Aizawa thought it would be better that you separated Bakugo and Midoriya.

"Morning." You look up to see Bakugo coming towards you.

"Morning-" You paused as he kissed you roughly.

The entire class fell silent, everyone looking at you two. The entire bakusquad had knowing looks. You and Bakugo only shared your relationship with your friends and had agreed to keep it a secret.

Your boyfriend seemed to have other ideas. He stopped kissing you, smirked and sat in front of you. Your face became heated as everyone stared at you two. The class erupted, confusion and yelling coming from them. Poor Midoriya almost fainted from it.

"Bakugo." You started.

"Yes, love?" He replied, turning in his seat. He stopped his cocky look as he saw your face.

"Once we are out of this class, I hope you know where you want your grave." You said with a sinister smile.

------------------------------------

Hi! This is my first story on here, so if you have any advice please let me know! Any criticism is taken. They are still minors here so don't get suggestive ideas. Yes, I made a sexual joke, but I don't want any nasty comments. They are minors.

[paimonial-rage]

i am completely fine without the one shot!! i am actually more interested in the analysis, haha! if you don’t mind, here i go! I’ll send another ask addressing the other topics. (sorry this is kinda long).

i think my strength lies in being self-aware. i’m always reflecting and doing after reviews of my actions, but sometimes i get overwhelmed by my imperfections and i laze around rather than act in ways to better myself. i’m working on this because i believe my destiny is determined by me. there are things i cannot control therefore i want to control the things i can (myself).

many of my friends have mentioned i’m an easy person to talk to, but i’m not good at replying or comforting, haha. they’re rather surprised i like dark humour and i can be mean as a form of tease despite first impressions of me commonly being “you look very innocent”.

send me a message and i’ll probably reply 2 weeks later — calls are for the Real emergencies. i try to be patient and understanding, and sometimes it unnecessarily bleeds to my inability to say “no” or put my foot down. i don’t really like gifts, but i love hanging out with friends. even if i didn’t get to say anything, i like being present and hearing them chatter.

lastly, i love animals and eating but i’m a picky eater, lol. it has gotten better as i trained myself to just eat whatever is presented, but i can be uncontrollable —watch me chug 1L of milk without hesitation but cringe at prawns even though i will eventually eat them. — @milkstore

Ooh, Milk (sorry I couldn’t find what you go by on your blogs), can I just say that I find the desire for self-awareness a very attractive trait. Some people tend to get frozen by their imperfections, preferring to stew in their weaknesses rather than change. They become overly negative and sensitive, complaining and venting because they don’t want to admit they’re addicted to their misery. You’re not like that. While there are times you do become overwhelmed and fall off track, it’s never a permanent thing. You always get back on your feet once more.

To me, you seem like the kind of person that, while you may feel you’re not necessarily “warm,” you actually care a bit too much. You have an inability to say no, which I’m wondering is the reason why you take a while to reply to messages. To reply means assigning yourself responsibility to a situation, to give emotionally when you do not have the energy reserves to fully do so. Going off on another limb here, I’m wondering if you’re the type that only wants to give your 100% to your friends, never anything less.

That’s why… okay, hear me out. I know he isn’t the most popular character, but he is definitely one of my top 5 favorite characters, but…

Gorou

I can’t exactly say how people feel about him in this community, but it doesn’t really feel they give him the credit he deserves. The reason why I feel he’d match you well is that, like you, the goal of continuously bettering himself is something he always keeps at the forefront. Not only that, I feel like he’d keep you accountable and you’d do the same for him. You both will never be stagnant in a relationship.

Unlike the kind of relationship I feel a lot of people want on this website, a relationship with Gorou wouldn’t be drowning amounts of soft times, fluff, and kisses the whole time. While you are similar in some ways, you are still both different. You’re introverted while he’s extroverted. You enjoy teasing while he’s incapable of it. You don’t seem as open to trying new things while he is. You have a hard time verbalizing your boundaries while he makes it a point to do so even if it’s hard. However, I don’t think these differences will hinder a relationship, but will cause you to grow as people.

That being said, Gorou is not a slave driver and neither are you. You both will not force each other to improve, nor harp on each other’s faults. You both understand the need to rest. You both understand that you will fail from time to time and that’s okay. I think the fact that he will do his best to be encouraging with you will drive you to do the same with him. At the same time, you both are not weak people, so I don’t think this would be a regular thing. You both will care for each other, but at the same time will not be caretakers.

I can see you feeling Gorou is a bit too much at times being that he’s quite active. He’d view you as someone not communicative enough (in the area of replying to messages). In the friendship/dating stage, I can see him completely bypassing the phone calls and visiting you at home to ask you if you want to go for a walk. That being said? I personally feel like everyone needs someone like that in their lives. We all need someone that breaks the monotony and brings us out of our own heads. At the same time, you’ll teach him moderation, that people also need time to themselves and also to relax.

Seeing that you both rate quality time highly as a love language, I imagine you both would have a very leisurely relationship. I imagine him dragging you out to go hiking and enjoying nature. He’ll chat about the letters he’s got for his That’s Life magazine job, you’ll tease him, he’ll get flustered, you’ll laugh because his reaction is cute, you’ll know you should go easy on him but that only makes you want to tease him more. Overall, the kind of relationship that will not weaken over time.

@milkstore

[mythgirlimagines]

Magical Girl AU with dynamic duo Himiko (Veteran) and Kaede (Newbie). With magical girl Kokichi. (Though you could argue he isn't really seen as a magical girl, simply described.)

In this world monsters are created from negative energy swarming into a singular spot or a person. Negative energy accumulates in one spot and then attatches itself to either an object or a human, creating a monster.

A magical girl is the world's attempt at balancing the amount of concentrated emotional energy in one place via purifying the monsters and people back to their original form. They represent hope and the promise of a better future in spite of hardship.

Important things to note, while a magical girl can be corrupted and turned into a powerful monster if they avoid transforming for a prolonged period of time. When they do transform their bodies are automatically purified by the magic that's now flowing through them.

A magical girl can lose his/her abilities under certain circumstances. Those circumstances are up to you.

I'm making this post because I'm curious about your thoughts on what the aftermath of the following events would be like. (If you have a hard time making some up I'll add some extra details at the end and leave some things ambiguous.)

Kokichi's sudden transformation into a monster most likely happened while in Hope's Peak's counsellors office. He had been recommended to make at least one weekly visit there due to his off and vacant/spacious behavior. Himiko took notice of this first and alerted Kaede who then went off to "use the restroom" and burst into the office to save Miaya and defeat the monster.

However there was just one problem.

Kokichi wouldn't turn back to normal, no matter what they did.

Even worse, his mother (Ms. Ouma, former SHSL Private Investigator and close friends with Shuichi's uncle.) is coming to visit in just a few weeks to take him home for spring break. And the sudden disappearance of their classmate is bound to be cause for concern.

Notes about Monster Kokichi below, if you wanna make your own design then skip this part.

Monster Kokichi resembles a fairly large (around 3 feet tall) plush toy thats a mix of his original magical girl outfit fitted with some dark magical girl references. His original outfit mostly consisted of black stockings and gloves. With the outfit itself mostly being velvet and purple. It looked expensive, the fabric woven with utmost care and the skirt comfortably frilly. It was eye catching and fitting for someone who thinks quite highly of themselves. Hence why the outfit represents Kokichi's more attention seeking traits rather than his childish and clowny personality. And what better way to catch someone's eye not just with lovely and frilly clothes but oversized canons as well? That's his magical ability, stupidly powerful canons.

Back to monster Kokichi, monster Kokichi's outfit is a near 1 to 1 with Kokichi's original outfit as a magical girl, however the velvets are mostly smothered by more black and dark purple. His face is always completely expressionless which is pretty unsettling when he stops fighting and just...stares. Sometimes, his eyes light up purple and if you look close enough you can see either some vital memories of his or his magical girl self floating in a bright purple void. His plush self is also very chibi.

Some of his abilities include, summoning minions, using the wand that he used to use as a magical girl as either a blunt weapon or to shoot quick bursts of magical blasts. Or to charge up energy and shoot his silly little magicannon. He can heal his wounds if he falls asleep and can curse people by making them blindly follow his orders, luring them into his vicinity and then killing them with corrosive substances hidden under his cape so he can suck the life out of them and spread more misery.

Its up to you if you want the girls to find a way to pacify him in order to get some reactions from class 79 (V3). Just curious about whatever headcanons you can think of from this longer post of mine.

I hope these are alright! Interesting au lol

Kaede still wasn’t as experienced as Himiko was, but she did her best to keep up with Himiko when it came to trying to pacify Kokichi. She couldn’t believe he wasn’t turning back to normal!

Kokichi was a dear friend of theirs, especially as another magical girl, and of course she and Himiko didn’t want any harm to come to him, even as a monster.

His minions weren’t hard to get through, but there were a lot of them that wore down their stamina easily. And when they were fighting, that alerted the rest of their class to Kokichi’s transformation.

If she and Himiko weren’t careful, the rest of their class would fall victim to becoming minions as well, which Kaede couldn’t allow. But what else could the two of them do?

It didn’t make sense that nothing was working. They tried everything that had worked before, but they were being worn down too easily at the same time they tried to help.

[variantia]

BELLUM.   we’re in our feelings today, so I offer you some more parallels / foils between Venti and Lo

Lo is clearly flying by the seat of her pants with her powers.   and it’s one of the key things I’ve noticed that she struggles to find anyone else like her, and that fact eats at her, because it’s lonely, and it would be SO much better with someone to guide her.   Venti never had any kind of mentor either.   people who tried to support him, some of them knowing the full story and some of them not, sure.   but someone who taught him how to use his powers, how to manage his grief at watching people come and go and live and die, any kind of moral code ?   nope.   his powers aren’t as big an issue, because he began life as a wind spirit, so, he’s familiar with that.   but instead of managing his grief or actually healing, he turned to alcohol to dull the pain ; dull it, instead of grow with it.   instead of learning morals, he followed Celestia’s orders until such a time as something inside him SNAPPED at all the atrocities they were ordering him and the other Archons to commit, and he formed morals of his own.   but nobody ever taught him things like ‘stealing is wrong’ or the nuances of any kind of morality, because apparently the “big gods” seem to believe that they and the lesser gods are above morals.   everything Venti learned, he learned on his own, and his life is INCREDIBLY lonely despite having so many people he cares for and who care for him.

they’re both creative types, and their passions are also their livelihoods !   music is absolutely one of the few things that has helped Venti through the years.   not only does he like to compose his own, his job is to play music to request, so he loves playing all different types of songs as well.   seems like Lo is much the same with her dressmaking, enjoying to make things for herself while also having fun and being proud of what she does for others.

PROTECTIVE AS HELL.   we’ve already seen what Lo is like when it comes to anyone trying to hurt the Dreemurr kids.   Venti is the same way when it comes to his friends and the people of Mondstadt.   you try to hurt any of the people either of these two care about, you might as well kiss the grass, pick a god, and pray.

when Lo gets scared or stressed or upset or (insert big intense emotion), she retreats to her castle.   nobody can hurt her there !   ... but she’s also kind of isolated.   when Venti gets scared or stressed or upset or (insert big intense emotion), he reverts to tiny little wind spirit form.   nobody can hurt him because he’s incorporeal !   ... but he also can’t be held or kissed or physically comforted.

perpetually single, or at the very least, have trouble forming connections with other people their own age.   in Lo’s case, it’s not for lack of trying.   in Venti’s case, it’s very much self-imposed.   when a person has lived for as long as he has, they start to realize how painful it is to watch people come and go and live and die and here I am, here I STILL AM,  I haven’t changed, everyone else is leaving, and they took a piece of me with them.   he has casual lovers and avoids anyone who tries to get serious in ANY sense, romantic or platonic.   both because he doesn’t know that his presence is ‘good’ for anyone, and because he’s TERRIFIED of hurting when they inevitably die and he’s left without them.   again.   it happened too many times, and he’s finally ‘learned his lesson’ the hard way that if he doesn’t want to miss them, then he can’t have anything but shallow relationships with people.   Lo at least knows the value of connection with other people, while Venti fails to fully realize that the pain he’d feel at missing someone who dies is normal and healthy and part of what makes deep relationships worth having because it means he truly loved them, and love is important.

there are probably more things but I’m crying too much as it is sO-

[spookymultimedia]

My nonbinary Colin Robinson headcannons! There's a lot of the word fag below <3

-The most simple answer to Colin's gender is that it's Nonbinary and uses it/him pronouns. At the most complex Colin Robinson is a gender hoarder and pronoun hoarder.

-His genders are: Nonbinary, genderqueer, demiboy/guy/male, faggotgender, autigender, xenogender,officecoric gender, greygender, and possibly more.

-His pronoun hoard is: he/him/his, it/its/itself, off/office/officeself, fi/files/fileself, computer/computerself, 😐/😐self, 🏢/🏢self, 📠/📠self, 🗂/🗂self, and so on and so on.

-He doesn't really care if no one uses its neopronouns he just likes hoarding them. But off will feel very very euphoric if you use any of computer's neopronouns to refer to 😐. He's comfortable with him and feels euphoric getting called he but it makes it feel like a thing or some kind of alien creature and that gives him euphoria.

-Colin started to question his gender after his regeneration. While he was cleaning up his stuff from his larval form. He found out that he had identified as nonbinary when he was in state. He found his own nonbinary pride pin and demiboy scarf. Guillermo asked if he remembered what it meant but Colin didn't. Guillermo admitted to it that he wasn't very informed on what demiboy meant and only knew some basic information about nonbinary people. He kind of assumed it was just a phase that his larva state went through.

-Colin decided to keep the nonbinary stuff. He looked up the nonbinary flag online and learned what it meant. This led to Colin shutting himself in his room for hours and questioning its gender. He searched demiboy and the definition perfectly described his relationship with his gender. He never really knew what his deal was as a man but know he really started to understand itself better. This identity helped it understand himself better the same way greysexual and demiromantic did.

-He realizes he doesn't love musicals anymore, he doesn't really feel anything towards rock music, he doesn't like Roblox anymore and he doesn't give a fuck about Mr.Beast. They where all a phase and he grew out of it and forgot it happened. He feels nothing about it. But being nonbinary is something he feels the same about and embracing that identity feels like hugging an old friend. Everything else was temporary but this is something he feels will stick with him forever.

-Once he's fully accepted himself he decides to come out to the others and it goes great.

-Colin is insufferable on Twitter now. No one is immune. It doesn't matter if you're a terf, a radical inclusionist or a transmed. Nobody online likes him. He WILL find a way to start pointless drama. He's the reason gender discourse is alive and well. It's bad and it knows that. He's not a good person lol. It is the evil nonbinary representation who will start discourse for fun. No one online likes him. He spams JKRowling relentlessly. His responses to transpobes are not productive. He does not care. It is thriving on discourse.

He is FAMOUS online. There are hour long videos about why he's problematic, and they're correct. There are people who claim that Colin is a troll pretending to be nonbinary to hurt the community. There are people who think it's reductive to gatekeep Colin from the nonbinary community just because he's a bad person. Radical inclusionists defend Colin using faggotgender sense he is panromantic. Others think faggot can't be reclaimed and its hurtful for him to call himself a faggot and make a stupid gender out of it.

He didn't expect people to get upset about his appearance and that if he was nonbinary he would actually try to look more androgynous. People ask him to wear a dress. He refuses to share pictures of him in a dress. That's for only close friends and lovers to see <3.

Colin does not care about what Twitter thinks. Laszlo calls him babygirl and that's all that matters. Sean is disappointed but not surprised.

-Colin is very comfortable being perceived as a man and presently in a masculine way. He might feel some feminity but it's more of feminity in a faggot kind of way.

-Colin came out to Evie and told her he's comfortable with more masculine or gender neutral honorifics. She calls him a fag because it's gende neutral. For some reason he doesn't see it coming and it surprises him. It likes it though. It's only fair because he calls her a bitch constantly but he knows she enjoys it. She's a bitch and she knows it and he's a fag and he knows it.

-Laszlo likes to call it his wife, babygirl, creature, thing, and husband. Nadja calls him a bitch ass hoe. Colin approves.

-The pronouns don't bother Nandor at all he immediately starts calling Colin by it/its pronnouns and doesn't think top much about it. English pronouns in general confuse him, especially the concept of personal pronouns being gendered but he'll accept it.

-If you tell Colin that his gender depends on his genitals he will ask if you're calling him a dick

-His demiboy scarf he bought online with Memos credit card as a larva brings him comfort and euphoria. He misses Guillermo more than anything and wishes Guillermo didn't dissappear. Guillermo told it goodbye but it still hurts it. He wishes Guillermo was there. He might cry a little at night about it. Alot actually. He misses Guillermo.

[rpplwtrshn]

Finding the Words (Without Words)

I don’t even know where to begin honestly

Or how to express my inner turmoils

Every time something triggers this part of me

I just fall apart and can’t control myself

Thoughts running wild and free

Tears moving down my face in steady streams

A heavy weight crushing down on my chest

While the combination of hunger and disgust meld in my stomach

And these triggers have no name

No form, origin, demeanor, or shape

They take whatever guise and size they please

And yet still leave the same impact all the same

And most of the time I find when I’m lost in my own fucked up mind

That it’s when it’s something that shatters my worldview

My expectations, my pace, my comfort, or my confidence

Glass shattering: raining down on my unending cacophony

Making me realize that my paradigm of a lense I fashioned into glasses, was nothing more than an alternate reality put up on liquid crystal display

And it happens every time

Every fucking goddamn time

Maybe my old supervisor was right

Maybe so many people I’ve met have always been right

That I’m just too nice of a person

Too nice? Too nice?!

“How is too nice a thing?” I’d use to believe

But I’m slowly starting to believe that myself

That being selfless and empathetic has its drawbacks

And I’m fucking tired of trying to fire this bow

Maybe if someone had shown me how to avoid pulling a muscle on the drawback

Or how to avoid hitting my arm when I release the string

Maybe I’d be a better bowman; a better person; a better me

Maybe it’d prevent me from getting so burnt out that I shut down and shut others out

Maybe it’d prevent me from getting hurt over what, logically, are mild inconveniences

Maybe I could learn which targets to avoid and which to take aim at

It’s a fucked up metaphor, isn’t it? Comparing giving others kindness and love to shooting a bow

But that’s just where my head is at right now

Years of selflessness is making me selfish

Years of feeling like everyone was deserving of love is making me feel like I’m undeserving of any

Years of thinking that I’m just as capable of loving others unconditionally as the savior I claim to serve and love has left me in a cold and increasingly bitter place

It’s left me feeling guilty for thinking of even putting my own desires first and taking care of myself

And makes me walk a fence between self care and self loathing

And formed within me a hero complex

Because if they’re happy, then I’m happy right?

If their needs are being met, then job well done right?

Right?! RIGHT?! PLEASE SOMEONE SAY IM RIGHT?

I don’t want to be right I just don’t want to accept this

I don’t want to show others that they were right

That I was too nice

Especially after I found someone who likes me because I’m nice

I’m gentle, I’m patient, I’m thoughtful

If nice guys finish last then why does she like me?

Why do my friends like me for who I am?

Why does my family love me for who I am?

God why do you love me for who I am?

HOW CAN PEOPLE LOVE ME WHEN I CAN’T LOVE MYSELF?!

I just want to exist

I just want to disappear

I just want to do this on my own

But I can’t; and I know it

And I never want to see any of them sad

Or disappointed; or heartbroken

I never want to stop loving or giving my heart wholly

Because god fucking dammit, I truly want to feel loved

But I somehow can’t seem to find a way to accept it

And that’s why I’ll always love others

That’s why I’ll always be nice

Because I never want anyone to be me

And I never want anyone to feel the same

[planetdharma]

Conscious Love: Learning to Be Different

The Purpose of Relationships

The purpose of relationships is to increase your “differentiation”, and reach your full human potential. To have a better relationship, and to really love consciously, you need to learn to be different.

Your ability to have deeper passion, bliss, and realization requires that the other person is seen exactly as that – other. They are not you and you’re not them – you’re different things, different egos.

Making peace with the ego world is not done by trying to get everything within the box of how you want things to look. It is about actually admiring and respecting the fact that a different person has a different box.

What is Differentiation?

Differentiation is the ability to self-manage one’s emotions.  In other words, one does not need another person to confirm or affirm, one doesn’t need another person to validate you.

Differentiation is confidence that comes through experience and through actually meeting situations in a way that you recognize you are alone and independent. The differentiated person has the ability to choose their own direction, involvements and activities. They do not need the people in their life to be there to validate their choices.

Differentiation does not mean that you become a highly individualistic person who doesn’t care about or connect with others. Well differentiated people have and form strong emotional bonds because they don’t need to run away. They don’t need to self-protect.

Our Partner, Our Worthy Opponent

In a relationship, you pick the person who has just the degree of differentiation to be supportive of you, in the sense of growth and unfoldment, but also not so supportive that they just become your lap dog. Your inner search for liberation will not stand for a lap dog.

You tend to get together with people who have about the same level of differentiation as you do because they are your worthy opponent.

You pick people in relationships to help you see your blind spots, to help you see where differentiation needs to occur in order for you to become more blissful, more unitive, more integrated in your understanding.

Your relationships help you see where you end up in a knee-jerk anger/substitution/overly-argumentative position, in other words, where you’re not differentiated.

How to Increase Your Differentiation in Relationships

The way you increase your differentiation, growth and health of your relationship is by working on how you meet each other in conflict (not just when it feels good between you).

The very nature of engaging with somebody when you’re not on the same page brings up feelings of anxiety, discomfort and insecurity. It makes the ego feel disconnected. You’re not really sure you’re on solid ground, so you run to food, sleep, entertainment, books, work, etc – somewhere where you don’t have to relate to another being.

When disagreement arises, the ego attempts to get back to ‘fusion’, a sense of comfort & security. It tends to avoid honest, vulnerable communication – everyone has different strategies to feel safe again – eg by shutting down, pandering to, or fighting. However it can’t really be comfortable because underneath the ego knows it is avoiding something.

To grow your differentiation you basically need to practice the ability to be in a situation of conflict, struggle, or disagreement and not feel threatened, dismissed, ignored, or diminished in the process. Learn that it is okay to have a different point of view, an argument or struggle and not feel your harmony is dis-served.

Through training (we find meditation, karma yoga & therapy to be useful), you can gradually grow an inner sense of unruffled calm, compassion and equanimity. You can develop your being to the point that you can have an energetic debate, struggle, argument and be okay with that, and not need your partner or friend to validate you, nor you them.  You can be honest, open and vulnerable with your needs, while hearing and accepting theirs.

Transcending the ego, not identifying with the ego, makes for a state of graceful conflict. This allows you to reach your full potential, alone and in relationship.

Source URL: https://www.planetdharma.com/conscious-love-differentiation/

[genericfiredemon]

A random dump of trauma [or why i stopped worrying about when a friend might backstab me, and just learned to enjoy their presence for what it's worth]

TL;DR: This was going to be a post about me warning people about how to be careful with who you chose to be your friend, but upon revision, I realize that's not the case. Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to abscond from any toxic community that makes itself hell for you. So for a long LONG time I've spent on the internet I can say that I've probably only had one healthy relationship that lasted several years across the internet, and it was back when I was on Xbox live gold and farting around with other 12-17 yearolds. It was great but we all fizzled out when I lost access to one of my old accounts, but even then at that point life was getting to each one of us one by one. I share this because I think this was the only friend group that I've had online that was genuinely concerned about my well being more often than not, people i was safe sharing some slivers of my living situation with, sure not as much as I'm open to share now but I feel like it was fun. The other 2 major places I had hung out with were less so. One was a far right echo chamber that I had to be threatened with violence (among other things) to get out of [Thank god I actually respect my brother for this] and there was a mentally draining toxic as hell cesspit was slowly wearing me down until I eventual self-exiling. Not going to name names but, respectively These communities were a Doom Multiplayer Community, and the other was a Youtube community. The former I joined during the Height of the whole "Make America gooder again" bullshit parade. When I joined the server I was happy to finally find something that I can actually connect with outside of the random bullshit I was doing in Gmod and Roblox still. I had just started getting into sketching random ADHD addled story ideas in my study notebooks and I thought this was a good place to share them. Then I saw they had a Trump channel dedicated to political shitposting. I did not take this as a red flag at the time. I really REALLY should have. I did eventually start spending a lot of time with these people and forming genuine connections with them because well they seemed nice (and I had not come out as trans at that moment, I was still super masc Identifying despite having a MYRIAD OF FEMALE CHARACTERS AS MY PROFILE PIC) I shortly started distancing myself when I started casually saying antisemetic rhetoric and jokes in my real day-to-day life and my parents had every reason not to like that I did that.

Theeen they started makeing jokes about the Transgender suicide statistics. Then I got really REALLY icy with them and just gave them an Irish goodbye. And then after a while I just kind of went to youtube and started watching through random shit, and lo and behold a new "The Room" of Video games dropped and I was watching so many youtubers reviewing it because it was just SO BAFFLING to me. Through this I got in contact with another community I felt rather comfortable spending most of my time in. I was one of the first wave of people who were even aware of the central community's existence so it felt like I had found something cool! I chatted with a lot of people who were a lot more sane about current events and started making more genuine friends online again. About a year passes, server priorities were changed and I ended up being a solid part of the community, for better and worse. I did have a few hangups here and there, a few crazys here that made it clear that the community needed frequent moderators. And with that a few bad mods that either didn't do their job or rule lawyered over every single user that they didn't like. And then the first really bad thing happened to me. At this point the youtuber, a person who I kind of hung out with on the regular takes me and a few others and gives us a special secret role that sets us in a separate field that isn't visible to the regulars. Their reasoning was because the voice chat gets overwhelming while they're trying to work and talk with people. At the time I understood and for a while it was in fact a great place to hang out! And then one of the members lets slip that their wife actually owns their discord account and proceeds to make another to join the server.

I want to STRESS I met her when I was 17-coming on 18 when I continue down this part. I have already went into detail about how she really messed me up and I have named her on my twitter, but Tumblr won't get that honor (and also I don't want to get anymore death threats over how their favorite furry vtuber got scared off the platform by a meanie clout chaser). For a while the friendgroup and I got along great, including and ESPECIALLY me and the "wife" as I'll dub her, the youtuber, and quite a few other people. Time passes, I find out about how "wife" streams occasionally and since i'm starting to get into watching live streams I decide to give her a watch a few times. Then I let slip that I just turned 18 after a birthday recently. Biggest fucking mistake of my life, I now know that I did the equivalent of accidentally letting a vampire into my life. She then proceeded to slide into my DMs about increasingly lewd topics. I had BILLIONS of questions comments and concerns running through my brain but for some reason I ignored all of the red flags because a girl was interested in me and at the time... i was a little attention starved. Things got more clearly gold-diggy as time went on, her not so subtly bugging me for free art and amazon gifts when I in fact did not have a job and barely any money. On top of the fact she was going around in the youtuber's chatrooms asking for games so she can stream, flat out. But I still thought nothing of it, that it was all ok. It didn't matter that she was married, right? So I hang out with her, Dm her, and attend her streams quite a bit more frequently. I allowed her to all but fully bully me under the guise that it's just a fetish thing, that I haven't voiced consent for because it genuinely flustered me in a way I liked. I even drew fanart of her fursona both lewd and not lewd!!! And then she sends me a picture of a thousand dollar bad dragon dildo. She starts by asking which one she should get, I joke about getting one with seminal fluids, and the bold bitch straight up asks me to help pay for it. I told her "I don't actually have any money to do so... sorry." Trying to let her down gently instead of saying what i was thinking "Why the FUCK are you asking me to help you pay for a thousand dollar monster cock." She went "oh :c" and left me alone for the night. The Next fucking morning a friend asked in voice chat "So uh... did anybody else get "the wife" asking them to help her pay for a thousand dollar dildo?" At that moment my image of her and our relationship was fucking obliterated. It fucking emotionally ruined me. I have some inkling of an idea as to why I was so emotionally invested in this relationship of what was essentially sexting. I ended up recieving one end of a girlfriend treatment affair with The "Husband and Wife" and when this all came to light the illusion faded. I wasn't having a meaningful relationship with anybody! It was just a transaction on one end and I was about ready to just fully dedicate to the bad end of simp culture!!! like full stop she was manipulating not just ME but a whole slew of potential paypigs to bankroll her streaming career. We eventually ban her for the implications of knowing me since I was a minor and probably intelligently sussing me out as a potential paypig. At that point I became a moderator for the community and... unfortunately I was a terrible moderator there.