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#god i just. i feel like i should just be able to make this money come from somewhere but i cant like i want to rn
mehiwilldoitlater · 2 days
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Now hear me out,what if. What if we did get Sent back to our world. But. Our monke was sent with us. Pretty please 👉👈🥺 We gotta fuel the shenanigans of things somehow. I wanna see him get whiplash from both technology and culture shock. We've been nice to our boi for a good while,it's time to bully him finally.
When you both wake up in the middle of the city, with people standing, asking if there was a con around or something, you know that you both are in something big.
You needed to find a good hiding place, but you knew what was happening: you and the Destined One were now in your own world.
The buzzling city, the cars, the technology—everything made his poor brain scrumble. You cane from this?! This chaos?!
The smell for him is difficult to handle, the absence of trees, and the strange behavior of the people...
///
"This is...your home?"
"Yup."
Hiding in a tree, the two of you admired the small portion of the city that the park hallowed you to observe. While you remembered what it feels like to breathe the same air where you were born, Yuán Fèn couldn't take his eyes off the palace in the distance.
"Are those... pagodas?"
"Oh no, those are skycrapers. People live and work there."
"Oh..."
Everything was out standing. And the mortal did it without the help of gods or others! They did it themselves! He gasped again, his tail swaving excited.
"We should go now! ...Maybe you can finally meet my family!"
///
That's your plan...until you find out what's really happened to you.
You were wondering if the car that had crashed into you was some sort of allucination or something like that, but when you reached your home, you could feel all the pain that you hadn't felt the day of the accident.
When you knocked at your door, you guessed that your mother could feel dizzy. After your disappearance of months, what you didn't expect was her tò Just faint on your porch, right in front of you and Yuán Fèn. You both were able to bring her into her room, and after that, you started to notice a pattern that scared you.
While Yuán Fèn tried to make her come back from the world of the living, you noticed the door of your room locked; many of your photos were missing from the usual spot. And there, in the living room, a photo of you at your prom, in an intricate frame. Written in silver ink, the lines "in loving memory.".
You really wanted to faint at that moment.
///
It feels so strange looking at your own grave. You guessed that they would you in this one particular spot. It was a family place there.
"I told them that I wanted to be cremated."
Yuán Fèn was more interested in trying to decipher your mental state. You were just there, watching at your own photo. He felt so strange... so that was what Mitraya meant when he said you were rebuking everything in your real world by choosing him. He looked again at that stone block, your name carved in there... then moved away.
"Okay, I think I'm in need of... What are you doing?!"
You spotted him taking a few flowers from one spot to another.
"Playing respect!"
"To Who?!"
Then, with the small bouquet in his hand, he put the flowers in the small pot near your photo. 
"..oh ..." That was the only word that you said after that.
///
Three things were clear to you:
1) Going back to Mount Huaguo was the priority;
2) You needed to find some money since you were basically broke;
3) Need to keep the monkey away from every electrical device.
The first one was based more on a sense of morality. After all, you made a choice, and that was the choice to stay in that world full of magic because you fell in love with the destined one and a simple cane back home wasn't enough to move you. 
Not to mention that you have nothing that came back anymore, so...
The second, hard but not that much. You have nowhere to go, so you were forced to stay in a cheap and very not so sanitary motel that you both found. 
Luck were your side because that place needed someone that could clean or fix staff and you two? We're the masters at fixing staff...sorta.
But the third one...oooh boy...
///
You were drinking coffee, how much did you miss it, trying to schedule the next day of work for you and Yuán Fèn. You could clearly hear him doing something in the small kitchenette, moving staff, putting them somewhere, opening things, cutting them...
Then you heard the roar of that old blender that you both found around.
" DARLING?" You used your very sweet tone, a sign that you were expecting the worst for him. "What are you doing?!"
"Nothing."
"That doesn't sound like a -"
And there, in front of you, he putted a very strangely colored liquid, viscous, and with some strange objects floating here and there.
"What Is It?"
"A bunch of staff!"
"I know that; it's clearly a bunch of different staff."
"You should try it, then talk!"
"I genuinely want it five meters away from me."
"Suit yourself!" And then, in your horror, he proceeded to drink the staff. 
///
After days of adjusting and trying to get used back to the modern world, when you both got inside your shared room and found no one but Maitreya himself, you both got a huge shock. You don't know what was the most unrecognizable scene—the actual boy in the room or the fact that he was reading a comic book that talked about the Monkey King or the Yankees cap in his head.
And he just waved! Like nothing! 
He decided to give some explanation, but the most important was why you were sent there and how to. come back.
The first was more for the two of you. After your decision, you decided to leave your world behind, but you did know what that really meant? He wanted to know that and gave you a free way out, a small taste of your original world, and the thought that even this could sway you away from the destined one, and he received a slap on his head by you, and he admitted he deserved it. Another test of loyalty? They really believed you were so easy?!
Well, many were before you...
As for coming back, it was easy, of course! Did he not do it himself right now? 
When you and Yuán Fèn looked at each other, Happy Tò was able to finally come back to Mount Huaguo, but you were stopped by the kid.
"You have to finish your schedule this week! And, oh, won't it be better if you gave a notice?"
How the heck did he know these things?!
"Aaand," he continued, holding an old toaster, "explain to me this little miracle."
@sun-jglim @crimsonflameproxy
@everlastingmoonlightsworld @biankanoir
@miraclecherryblossomsblog @sleepingdramaqueen
@certifiedsimpinggalore @cromboloni
@masksandfeathers @cinnamonroll-anon
@justrandomlypassing @cute-angi
@luckyangelballoon @dressycobra7
@naarra @virtualexpertanchor
@phoenixeclipse-lmkau @szynkaaa
@kirax-the-lazy-girl. @sleepydang
@weaverworks @kishimiest
@marcu-bug @thepoweroffiction
@riolu4 @angryvampire
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satureja13 · 3 days
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After Jeb and Kiyoshi finally came back to consciousness, the Boys went to Porto Luminoso. Since they're already here and the members of the Council scattered to the four winds, the Boys could as well cherish their time here before their meeting with athena and Ms Coombes tomorrow afternoon.
And since the Bond wasn't able to join Ji Ho and Vlad beyond the Veil and it's finally, finally allowed to run free (No curse! No spell! Nothing to hold it back anymore!) it's grimly determined to get its share! It's feeding off of the love shared between Ji Ho and Vlad and it's been starving all these years! Ji Ho and Vlad felt the pull from their Bond. It wants them alone. And close to each other! And they decided not to act up, since the Bond already hates Vlad (for trying to kill it - twice!) and they are afraid it would punish him again, should they not obey ö.ö' Vlad: "Eh, Ji Ho and I..." Jack laughed: "Got it! See you later for dinner at Porto Azzurro! And: don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
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The others went over to Porto Azzurro. Sai and Jeb fell behind because Sai was drawn towards 'Moda Capoliveri', the fashion store. To give Jeb and Sai some alone time too, Kiyoshi said: "Jack and I are going jet skiing. See you later!" Jeb was flustered, being alone with Sai after all those months apart is still a mine field, but answered: "Uhm, ok..." Jack was proud of Kiyoshi making a bold move like this: "You're totally my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive." And off they went.
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It still feels awkward between Jeb and Sai. They agreed to start over again but Jeb is afraid if he says the wrong thing, it would all go downhill again... But Jeb didn't need to talk. Like the Bond, Sai is grimly determined to make it work this time. Sai: "Do you remember our first date? Tomorrow it's two years ago. You also took me to a fashion shop." Jeb laughed: "It was just the Thriftea ^^' But of course I remember." They didn't have money to buy anything since they're already deep in dept for their tutoring, but Sai loves it to browse for new ideas for Noxee and his fashion store Strawberry Cake Fashion.
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Jeb sensed how tense Sai is and how much he dreads their meeting with athena and Ms Coombes tomorrow. Jeb: "We will be able to pay back the school fees and of course Ms Coombes will give us a loan. Vlad, Kiyoshi and I worked hard over the weeks you've spent at the beach house and we even payed back Rubyn and the others and were able to put some money at the side. Don't worry, hm?" Sai: "Gods, while we wasted our time with that stupid game and the tin can!" Jeb: "Don't say that. This game helped us a lot and it is going to help others too (Jeb sensed that Sai wanted to scream and disagree, but he kept on talking). Sai, the Therapy Game was worth the trouble. And our stay at Verdantis was worth it too. Look on the bright side, hm? We got amazing tutoring and improved a lot and the game helped us to overcome some of our hardships. I feel we're able to face anything now. You did a great job keeping us together and making us stronger." Sai smiled at Jeb, he always knows to say the right things to him. Then what Jack said earlier came to his mind (about Jeb trying to avoid woohooing with Sai) and so he tried to nudge Jeb in a different direction... Sai: "Since we improved a lot, will we also be be able to put our relationship to the next level? We could ask the owner of Hotel Elvis for a free room, since we chased the Council away from Tartosa again ;) We've spent our second date here, do you remember?" The Little Goats: 'Yes, yes, YES!'
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But Jeb didn't find it fair to the others (they are supposed to sleep at the campsite tonight to keep their money together) and does not want to exploit the hotel owner, so he declined Sai's offer... Or maybe he really tries to avoid getting physical because he does not want to hurt Sai should he want more...
'She: You know, sometimes I ask myself: What is this a kind of fear to lose you? What is inside of you that makes you unique And makes me fall in love with you?
He: I like to spend days teasing you With phrases that I get old And, perhaps, your impossible character Makes me fall in love with you
Cosa Sei - Ricchi e Poveri
'A volte, sai, non so perché, mi trovo a chiedermi cosa sarà questa paura che ho di perderti. Che cosa c'è dentro di te che ti fa unico e mi fa innamorare di te?
Mi piaci sempre e passo i giorni stuzzicandoti con frasi come «Sto invecchiando sopportandoti» e forse è proprio il tuo carattere impossibile che mi fa innamorare di te.'
From the Beginning 🔱 Underwater Love 🔱 Latest
Current Chapter: 'Here comes the Sun' from the beginning ▶️ here Last Chapter: 'Who killed Jack?' from the beginning ▶️ here
📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 23-28
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designernishiki · 1 year
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kiryu sitting haruka down for a really important talk and looking nervous but deeply serious about it and when he finally speaks he gives an honest and vulnerable admission that upon much self reflection, as unlikely as it may seem, as shocking as it may come, he is, in fact, gay, and he hopes this doesn’t make her feel any distress or discomfort in-part due to the implication that he likely didn’t have romantic feelings for her mom, he did care very very much for her regardless of labels, and so on and so on. and she lets him give this lengthy emotional confession that goes on for like twenty minutes before he finally goes dead silent anxiously anticipating her response. and she’s just like. uncle kaz I really appreciate you opening up to me like this and I’m really proud of you for accepting yourself for who you are. but me and every other kid at morning glory figured this out like 10 years ago
#he’s shaking he’s on the verge of tears and she’s just sitting there like. should I act shocked? this clearly means so much to him but#i feel like saying ‘uncle kaz. its not that subtle. you were a bachelor taking care of a bunch of adoptive kids with no interest#in women whatsoever for years. i already know. most people close to you already suspected.’ is a bit anticlimactic#I think about this a lot#cause realistically she would probably be the first person to open up to about it#unless he miraculously put together through Obvious Context Clues that daigo and mine were a Thing (probably YEARS after the fact though)#and then went and asked daigo about it. which would be hilariously awkward and id pay money to see it#he’s so bad at reading the room and like. getting social cues. I feel like he’d finally get a moment where he’s alone with daigo in his#office and would strike right as daigo’s about to make casual conversation like#‘so how have you b–‘ ‘daigo-san do you like men’#with his typical stoic intense look on his face. poor daigo that’d be mildly terrifying. also the funniest thing he could possibly do#kiryu#haruka#rambling#kazuma kiryu#haruka sawamura#yakuza#amusing follow-up to the initial idea with haruka. he eventually calms down and is relieved and whatnot and says to her kinda casually#‘I’m not sure if I’m ready to tell anyone else. except maybe majima. I’ve been able to trust him for decades with just about anything and I#know he’d never be judgmental–‘ and haruka’s sitting there like. oh god do I have to tell him. someone’s gotta tell him.
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rapidhighway · 1 year
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I didn’t go to sculpture again……
#please please please I have anxiety I have a mental illness#I can’t make myself go there it’s hell idk why I’m just so nervous every time I make myself feel sick#and then I get another excuse not to go becuase I literally feel like I’m gonna throw up#I’m not going to pass if I don’t start going there…….#and I cannot handle repeating a semester#I live in fear#and it doesn’t help that I have intermedia class later today which is my second greatest enemy and just as dreadful#banging head on the table#I need to be wrapped in a blanket and go to sleep forever#god even if I go there I’m never going to be able to come up to my prof and talk to him about my project I get physically I’ll at the#slightest suggestion from my friends that I should finally do it#everyone’s done it already#I will literally cry if anyone talks to me#the profs just intimidate me so badly I feel like they hate me#and everyone says they’re super nice but I can’t make myself believe ittttt they will eat me alive#but if I never go I won’t pass the class and repeating the semester will cost money#pleas I have the stupid project idea ready but I just can’t do it I’ve thought about just emailing them and doing it all through email but#I couldn’t do that either I’m just in panic mode instantly#so yeah I’m just venting not asking ppl for solutions 😶✌️ I just don’t want to text my friend again bc I’ve been putting way too much on#them#they do practically everything for me anyway bc I can’t do shit by myself#uh ok I just need to put this SOMEWHERE#I’m gonna curl up and draw metal or whatever#ugh I know I’m making things worse by not coming#but I can’t make myself I just cant I’m gonna have an anxiety attack ✌️#no one look at me#I being sensitive and vulnerable here
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seafoam-taide · 6 days
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I feel insane. Listening to some people talk about struggling with balanced consistent eating and out of every point they make to why it's a struggle they keep circling back to its so expensive. I feel like. Can people hear themselves. Does anyone hear how insane that sounds. Food is hard because it's so expensive. Food. That thing you need to. You know. Survive. To live . The most basic. Food is so expensive nowadays it's so hard to eat enough. HELLO? THAT'S INSANE
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nomairuins · 26 days
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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firstofficerkittycat · 2 months
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hey. hi hello. what gave u the right to make the most gut wrenching video ive ever seen in my entire life (star trek is about the sixties). how dare you. you changed my life.
Okay !💖yay
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zoppzoop · 4 months
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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izzy-b-hands · 1 year
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finally convinced myself to apply for the Folx fund help since otherwise im just. not making enough to cover regular doc visits and T rn.
(more venting abt this stuff below the cut feel free to skip)
And as of tonight im out of the vial my housemate generously offered since ae is changing up T methods rn anyway (tho i did try to get out any leftover T from previous syringes in my sharps box into the current vial, in an attempt to save any i could, but it didn't work as well as i wanted it to unfortunately)
I don't want to detransition. I'm genuinely terrified of it bc even just my period returning these last months has sent me spiraling each time. I'm the happiest I've ever been since transitioning (despite any additional Life Horrors occurring alongside it) and i just. I don't want to go back. but I'm not going to rely on my friends and family to bankroll this too while i try and get back on my feet
im nervous to have applied and tbh don't anticipate getting it simply bc goodness knows there's a fuck ton of us in need of help like this, and im just one of many. but holy fucking shit a year of paid for care would make a huge difference. one less expense to weigh on me for at least a little bit, enough time to hopefully get into a better more consistently paying job so i could just afford the usual Folx membership as I would like to rn if it wasn't $89/mo (and even switch back to gel to have a break from the injections for a bit, but that's an extra $50, so nearly $150 for that which rn is Ouch and just not possible to give out monthly which makes me feel so pathetic and shit but i just. Don't have it at a consistent rate rn with the polling center job fuckery and my anxiety with the job)
I don't want to be taking help from someone who needs it more, but if they can spare a spot for me i would be in their debt for the rest of my life and beyond grateful
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leemarkies · 1 year
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.
#having a Bad Day#one of my bosses was talking to me about classes i should take next year#and gave some helpful ideas about taking trial advocacy and pretrial lit#which. i do plan on taking the latter sometime next year#but both of those classes would severely mess up my entire course schedule and probably wouldn’t allow me to work twice a week at the firm#but i ofc don’t say that i just nod and agree and say thank you. they don’t need to know what classes i’m taking#and then my head boss talks to me after and says they are suggesting these courses bc my analysis writing has gotten worse since i started#and that he noticed i don’t have a ‘passion’ for this work#so . great. now i feel god awful. not about what they think about me but more about whether or not i’ll be able to keep a job here#and like normally i would not care but. i NEED this job i NEED the money#i pay for my mom’s mortgage and i have loans to pay off + just! normal general things to buy! and GAS!#without this job i’d have $240 a month roughly from my other job which is next to nothing#idk what i’m doing wrong. this job is such a ‘trial by fire’ and i’m sooo intimidated by my bosses#and i’m cheery and i don’t complain and i listen and i smile and i work quickly#and sure i make mistakes but i try! i swear!#if i don’t have this job past the summer idk what i’m going to do i’ll be so fucked#putting all of my eggs in this one basket. already committed to this summer but if they don’t want to hire me after graduation#i will be jobless. i have no network. i spend all of my time working or at home bc i live with two disabled people an hour+ away from campus#and i don’t have the time or energy to do anything else#i’ve dealt with soooo much worse in my life idk why i’m freaking out so much rn#i would give anything to call my grandpa rn for some advice but .#…. haha anyways . great weather we’re having
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pisshandkerchief · 1 year
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does anyone want to drive me to a fall out boy show in atlanta..... please I'll love you forever....
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dredshirtroberts · 1 year
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so i know getting to the doctor is hard when your insurance plan is shitty and i know it's tricky to make sure there's enough money for emergencies *and* for fun things.
but like. my parents could have tried a little harder and maybe i wouldn't have suffered my whole life and could have known what life is like when i don't have to struggle and fight through all my body's signals that something is wrong.
Also apparently eczema is a result of an over-active allergy response in your body, because my immune system is either too good or is very bad at its job. either way.
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picorimori · 1 day
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it is week 5 and every week has been crazy like. give me. a break. please.
#my lab partner two weeks ago had to go to a conference across the country#so he was super busy and meeting up to meet him was exhausting. cause i didnt know what i was doing and he was busy#and the project requirement was wack. we had to alternate tasks it was just easier to meet in person#last week one of my lab partners ALSO had to go to the same conference that my other partner was prepping for#so my prof was like lemme just pair them up. congrats ning you are now in a group of two when everyone else is three#which is like. okay. cool#my lab partner this week had two internships so he was super busy#i am also. super busy. i am fighting the assignments#i am fighting the mental illness. it fucking sucks bro IT FUCKING SUCKS#I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET THINGS DONE WITHOUT HAVING TO FIGHT MY BRAIN#also fighting an infection. i am so fatigued. cant work cause the brain dont work. cant work cause the infection makes me uncomfy and tired#someone confessed to me last week. come the fuck on#so my lab partner. im thinking i need to pick up the slack this week im so glad my partner will probably help me#HE HAS. A FAMILY EMERGENCY#GOD ARE YOU OUT THERE? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?#im so fucking tired lmao. 5 weeks of this shit.#like i dont blame my lab partners at all. i am also so terribly tired. i hope they are all okay#i think i need to go back to the doctor's. i told my mom and shes like#you feel back because you eat too much salt. you dont drink enough water#ALL I DO IS DRINK WATER!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED THE SALT BECAUSE IM ALWAYS NAUSEOUS. I NEED THE SALT BECAUSE IT MAKES MY BRAIN WORK BETTER#THANKS MOM THANKS MOM THANKS MOM THANKS MOM#THE GUY THAT CONFESSED TO ME? i didnt submit an assignment for two weeks cause the day i met him? i KNEW IT#I KNEW HE WAS INTO ME AND IT BOTHERED ME SO MUCH. I FORGOT TO SUBMIT AN ASSIGNMENT ISPENT HOURS RECORDING#DAYS MULLING OVER. AND DIDNT CATCH THAT I DIDNT SUBMIT IT FOR 2 FUCKING WEEKS#GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK#shout out to my lab partners. they have all been so very nice when i am dumb as fuck! i hope they find lots of money on the ground#jesus fucking christ i wish i was smart. god i wish my brain fucking worked. i wish my body wasnt trying to keel over#i wish my class tomorrow wasnt at 9am
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nomairuins · 2 months
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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cesium-sheep · 6 months
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the kirby dr moricky pillow in beige (the color I wanted cuz it has the drawing I didn't get on the mat I will eventually hang up or the storage case) is on sale for $10 rn. but I've already got 3 multi week purchases in the queue and buying that still sets everything back by another week even if I'm lucky and shipping is cheap. (preorder a lauraillustrates tapestry blanket ($140), buy the princess peach game ($67), buy The Rug for soon-to-be-just-my room ($300).) I got paid extra for the unicorn but that only means I can get the blanket first instead of having to push it to the very end of the preorder window.
decisions are hard and $40 a week is very very small even when someone else is taking care of the bills. (once my credit card is paid off I can raise my allowance because I actually get allotted now $300/mo but I put everything above the current allowance rate to the credit card, but that's still got $1330 left on it even with matt helping me out last week. originally once arin finally started getting paid in 2022 I negotiated $250/mo to cover 5 weeks of allowance (for the months that have 5 mondays), plus a minimum card payment of $50, but months that don't have 5 mondays I'd put the extra $40 on it too more often than not. and sometimes scraping some out of personal savings if it seems unlikely to be immediately necessary. (plus for a while the minimum payment was actually $60 but it's not like she was available for further negotiations.) mom's still a co-signer on that card and I really just need it fucking gone already, but it took a lot of hits getting through the past couple years.)
theoretically my disability compensation appeal is still in the queue somewhere. I'm sure they'll email me in a couple weeks with my quarterly reassurance that it is. maybe I'll be really, incredibly fortunate, and it'll get scheduled for after the immunologist tells me about a powerhouse treatment that'll turn my bones to dust but let me fucking live again, but before the treatment actually takes effect, so I'm still as pathetic as possible for the hearing but not quite so fuckin defeated. (as if I have been truly no-silver-linings fortunate even one time in this whole fucking travesty.)
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nomaishuttle · 10 months
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I'm gonna be so open and honest with you guys right now i fucking rly dont want to go to work tomorrow .
#im violently nauseous rn and ik its judt bc ive been in a straining position and also i ate like 20 slimjins but like km only gonna get 5#hours of sleep maximum im gonna have a headache im so tired of everything i wanna have a day off but i cant. Its only tuesday and im#already liek Please can we be done please no more this week all done all done#im so fucking sick of working i dont want to have to work for the next 40 years Minimum. i hate everythingbon earth#i dont understand how ppl work fulltime and have a life i only get 2 live At all on weekends#and even then its only 1 day saturday bc sunday is my Doing all my chores and stuff day#so i do all my laundry i tidy up the room Et cetera. i dont udnerstand how people can just do this forever#it genuinely feels like. bc i leave 4 work at 6am. i get home around 5pm. im supposed to go to bed. well technically i should go 2 bed at#9 to get a full 9 hours but look man . that would give me 4 hours a day to be a person#so my bedtime is officially 10 but usually i go to bed at 12 which means i dont get enough sleep which means as soon as i getnoff work the#next day im even less willing to do anything#+ doing anything fun fucking costs money if not the thing itself the travel expenses. and if i spend money i just have to work to make that#money back i fucking hate it. and im doing this for what. so that in 40 years i can retire and then 10 years after that oh no unforeseen#expenses or something suddenly my retirement isnt cutting it i have to go work at fucking walmart or something as a 70 year old judt to#make ends meet. god. And when the fuck am i supposed to have kids i want kids very badly one day but how the fuck am i supposed to have#kids if id only be able to spend Maximum 6 hours a day with them. thats if my work is like Doectly next door.#how. how. how. less than 6 hours even bc theyd go to bed before i did so rly like 3 hours a day with my theoretical kids Im an awful#theoretical parent and maybe my theoretical spouse works less hours so they can be home with the kids but they resent me for always being#at fucking work 9 hours a fucking day and they resent me for not being there for our theoretical kids Im sorry theoretical partner i want#to fucking be there but SOMEBODY has to put money into our theoretical savings account. UGH!!!#i hate work i hate it i hate it#i dont even hate my job i just hate that its my entire fucking life#i hate that i essentially get half a day every week thats truly mine that i get to do whatever i want. and in my current situation i barely#even fucking get that idk.
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