#and my parents objectively are terrible people but like no one should have to struggle

[dredshirtroberts]

so i know getting to the doctor is hard when your insurance plan is shitty and i know it's tricky to make sure there's enough money for emergencies *and* for fun things.

but like. my parents could have tried a little harder and maybe i wouldn't have suffered my whole life and could have known what life is like when i don't have to struggle and fight through all my body's signals that something is wrong.

Also apparently eczema is a result of an over-active allergy response in your body, because my immune system is either too good or is very bad at its job. either way.

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

DROP YOUR DX FOR VOX !!!!! Please and thank you.

I would like to preface all my posts on headcanons related to psychology and mental illness with a disclaimer: diagnosing mental conditions, especially personality disorders, can be extremely challenging. It's a complicated process that relies heavily on a psychologist's interpretation of facts, making it susceptible to biases. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed based on surface-level observations and are not just labels that we can assign to people like in the case of MBTI. Additionally, I am not a clinician with any expertise in diagnosing people. Therefore, the following post should not be taken as a reliable professional opinion. It's simply my interpretation of the internal mechanisms that may be responsible for the behavior of certain characters in my fan fiction. Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no intention of stigmatizing people with personality disorders by associating them with villains. A personality disorder does not determine someone's character or make them a bad person. Some characters may be evil because of the choices they make, not as a result of their mental conditions.

(I've already posted some stuff here so I'm not going to repeat myself.)

Okay, so, Vox has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's crucial to distinguish this from "common narcissism" (people often described as "narcissists" by others just because they are egotist assholes; kinda ableist, you shouldn't do it because it's extremely stigmatizing towards people suffering with actual NPD) . While those individuals typically function well, those with NPD exhibit all the traits – grandiosity, egocentrism, attention-seeking, intense power fantasies – but as it's a disorder, these traits lead to inflexible and maladaptive patterns of behavior and cognition.

NPD has its roots in intense feelings of shame, low self-compassion, and self-loathing. In my interpretation, Vox has always felt inadequate. His father inherited an enormous amount of money, establishing a media conglomerate in the 20's. Vox's mother, captivated by the world of movies, used them to escape her reality as a trophy wife. Despite her dreams of becoming an actress, Vox's father, possessive and protective, prevented her entry into the entertainment industry. As a compromise, he made their son a child actor, with the condition that it would be temporary. When Vox grew older, he was expected to transition to learning business and other skills, ultimately to take over the family's empire.

So, Vox was never enough for either of his parents. His father thought of him as annoying and unserious due to his talkativeness and exaggerated behaviors, attributing it to growing up surrounded by actors. As for his mother... Vox turned out to be a terrible actor, struggling to convey emotions that weren't bombastic and over-the-top. Being a teenager is humiliating enough, but imagine being a teenager bad at something and forced to do it for a worldwide audience, when the whole production crew is annoyed with you. Fortunately, he grew up to be devilishly handsome (not to be a simp, I just believe someone must be handsome to endure the ethereal punishment of having their face swapped for a TV screen) and entertaining, leading them to make him a TV host and media personality.

Anyway, NPD is all about creating a perfect self and projecting it to the world when you're deeply ashamed of your true self. It means that, no matter what you're doing, you're constantly concerned about how it looks to other people. You constantly play an exhausting game, trying to win gold stars of social admiration for every-fucking-thing, guided by superficial ideals of wealth, perfection, beauty, and, above all, power. One reason Alastor's existence bothers Vox so much is the fact that he cannot comprehend the idea of someone choosing radio over his "objectively better and correct" medium. Vox lacks the ability to understand nuanced sentiments, which ironically makes him thrive in Hell. In this anarchocapitalist, lawless society, survival of the fittest prevails, and this is a game he excels at playing.

Generally, the best approach for individuals with NPD is to pull them out of delusional thinking by confronting their beliefs about the world and themselves with reality (it should be performed by qualified therapist, especially when someone hasn't completed any kind of therapeutic process yet). However, in Hell, Vox's behavior was no longer in violation of social norms; on the contrary, it was highly rewarded. Consequently, he completely lost his shit, became unhinged, and began acting on all his previously suppressed urges. He finally fulfilled all narcissistic power fantasies and became (almost) untouchable. Now, he's ready to kill anyone who questions him, seeing it as threatening to his fragile image of the perfect self.

He exhibits strong bipolar tendencies. Most of the time, he's power-tripping in a semi-maniacal state. Periodically, he undergoes deep, depressive episodes, locking himself up in his apartment and avoiding interaction.

Constantly guarding this fragile image of the perfect self that he built is exhausting. The bigger this image gets, the more fragile it becomes, like a house of cards. And guarding it becomes more and more exhausting. But there's nothing scarier than the idea of the facade falling apart and people seeing him as he is: imperfect and vulnerable, damaged and ashamed, rotten and evil. Deep down, he knows he's unlovable, and it hurts. He knows that true love exists; he craves this ultimate form of admiration and devotion, but it requires vulnerability and honesty, which he's not capable of. He's only vulnerable with Valentino, and only occasionally when he's intoxicated or when Val fucks every last thought out of his body. He's very much a controlling top insecure about his masculinity, so the latter happens rarely.

Also, drugs. Oh, do this man enjoy some coke. Other drugs and booze, not so much; they make him feel less in control. But getting coked up, going out, causing a scene, killing some poor souls, and relishing this feeling of being completely untouchable? Feels so good.

When it comes to Alastor, he hates him because he's jealous. Despite all his efforts—building a perfect persona, a perfect company, perfect entertainment—this stinky, outdated, and boring radio demon gets so much attention and admiration that should be his. Moreover, he feels that Alastor can see right through his bullshit. He's so paranoid about it that he's almost certain Alastor knows about his childhood traumas, about his death, about all his truths, and could one day broadcast it for all people of Hell to hear. So, he needs him dead.

Note: these headcanons (especially Vox's past) are very important part of my fanfiction. Please feel free to use them in your fics but I'll appreciate if you tag me 🩷

Velvette hc | Valentino hc | Vees + Angel hc | VoxVal hc

[narniangirl1994]

While I think the 'thank you' and 'fuck you' speech Ted gave his mom worked in the context of their relationship - seeing as he was thanking her for the loving and supporting things she did over the years while expressing his hurt over the other ways in which she hurt him, I do NOT think it worked in the context of Jamie and his dad.

Jamie saying he'd want to say both fuck you and thank you to his own dad - likely because he believes his dad's abuse is what gave him the drive to succeed in football - might make sense for his character to feel, but should not have been backed up by the narrative like it was.

Between Ted's line last season about successful people often having dads who were hard on them and the bits in this episode of Jamie forgiving and reaching out to his dad, the narrative genuinely seems to be saying the abuse Jamie experienced helped make him the athlete he is today.

And that interpretation really bothers me. Especially because you see it in other shows and real life.

Just like the line "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," a lot of people seem to think hardship and abuse makes people stronger/more motivated. But in reality, abuse tends to hinder people on their life journey - not the other way around - by making them more scared/anxious, doubtful, sad, blinded by anger, isolated, etc.

Take it from someone with perfectionism that stems in part from my own childhood experiences and anxiety, I think that has caused me more issues than it has helped me over the years. Even though I've always been decently 'successful' at certain things (ie: school, work), I really wonder if I could have actually accomplished more - or at least accomplished the same things without the extra struggles/stress - if I wasn't constantly worried about having to be perfect.

Jamie being a prick to his teammates (because he felt like he needed to be tough to get his dad off his back) was even shown to be detrimental to his team's success and his individual success as a player. And Jamie's fear over his father's presence and criticism both at Wembley and at the Manchester City stadiums were shown to make him more distracted and prone to errors.

It was once Jamie started working with his teammates, accepting guidance from others, and receiving their unconditional support, that he grew and improved as a player. Hence why this was the first year he made the national team. He's got plenty of talent and it's quite possible he would have had the drive, just from something else, if his dad didn't abuse him. I could easily see a desire to play alongside his hero (Roy) or make his hometown proud serving as helpful motivators for him growing up.

But even if Jamie WAS a worse player or never got this far without his dad's abuse motivating him...who cares? You can't tell me he wouldn't have been a much happier, healthier person without that abuse in his life. So the idea so many narratives and real life people push that there is a silver lining to abuse or that abuse is solely responsible for someone's success is a harmful one that seems to imply abuse is worth it in a way or that abuse victims should be grateful for the good that came out of it.

It's one thing to want to thank a complicated parent for the good that they did bring to your life even if they also brought some bad. But it's an entirely separate thing to thank a complicated parent specifically for the objectively terrible things they did to you, just because it may or may not (most likely did not) have the side effect of making you more successful.

I really wish writers would put a little more thought into narratives that would seem to support this idea. It just really takes away from so many other positive - or frankly more realistic - messages they could go with instead.

[luesmainblog]

thinking about how growing up none of my family knew much about autism or adhd and didn't really know the signs, and then thinking about all the signs i was showing, and how they were responded to as a result of that lack of knowledge. i had a terrible memory as a kid, but only for some things. one thing that really fucked me up was homework. i would do it - my teacher once even admitted i was handing in A+ work - but i couldn't remember to turn it in. the organization methods that were supposed to help just got me more frustrated because they didn't fix the object permanence issue. i was getting lower scores because they were turned in so much later (which is fucked up btw, i get that y'all wanna incentivise getting things in on time but no amount of lateness should turn an A+ into a fucking C, that is ridiculous and you know it, teachers.) and getting AWFUL scores because of all the missing work, and me and my parents couldn't seem to figure out out. and after a while, dad started to assume malice. he knew i could do the work, he knew i had organization tools, and SURELY it was not THAT hard to just turn the darn papers in, so... maybe i was doing it on purpose? for attention? when i look back on our dynamic growing up, i think that very much did effect how he interacted with me. the idea of the troublesome kid likely clouded how he assumed the intentions behind other things. the thing is, i always gave the same reasons. "i forgot" and "i don't know, i'm sorry". and looking back on it.... it's normal to hear that every so often, but when it's becoming an active problem and your kid keeps saying they just forgot, that indicates they are struggling with memory more than they should be. but that idea never occured to any of us, because why would we be watching a healthy 11 year old for memory problems? i know overdiagnosis and overmedication is a problem in some places. i know people get nervous about making every single thing their kid does a Symptom. but please... if this story sounds familiar to you? suggest that they get the kid checked out, specifically with memory issues as a concern. the kid might say they remember just fine; they wouldn't know, they don't know what it's LIKE to remember normally and they don't remember all the times they've forgotten. if you're not sure how that works, please observe the question "do you have a problem wearing socks?". the short answer is, it's very easy to assume your experience is normal and not have it come to mind.

i will say that in some ways i'm glad i didn't get tested young, because the legal restraints on autistic people are fucking ridiculous and i've made the conscious choice - thankfully respected by my therapist - that i don't want that on my medical record. but i wish we'd known enough to know that i should be looking at resources for what helps kids with adhd. yaknow?

[imperatorium]

Do you have any angst hcs for sister caring for little baby copia while still making sure no one suspects he’s her kid + him possibly struggling with being an orphan

I actually don't know that Copia really struggled that much with orphanhood growing up, to be honest. He came into the Church as a literal newborn and never knew anything different to start with and, beyond that, he also did not have any models of what a more "traditional" family looked like to observe. If anything, his upbringing was better than most children who go through whatever the boarding school-esque process is within the Church, really! He was raised by one of its most important members and had near-identical experiences to his peers who would go (or rather should have gone one) to be significant leaders. Growing up, he did understand how lucky that made him.

If he has a source of angst about his childhood, it's probably less about not having a mother (or a father) and more about the fact that the boys who should have been his "brothers" never saw him as an equal. It's not like One, Two, and Three had some great camaraderie as blood relatives, either, but they did have an understanding amongst them that Copia was a charity case and less than. Sister made sure he was always included, but One, Two, and Three made sure he always knew they thought he shouldn't have been.

On Sister's part, she is also not someone who ever had some strong maternal instinct. Her focus for so much of her life leading up to the point where they finally came together as a one to create Copia was just on Nihil, not necessarily on what it actually fully meant to be his Prime Mover. By the time they finally got around to it, her plans had already been so thoroughly thwarted that she still didn't really have time to settle into it. She never really got to enjoy her pregnancy because it was always something she had to hide, something she had to deny. And I think, for most of her pregnancy, that was okay. She just took it in stride, did what she'd always done in keeping her physical hardships and weaknesses a secret lest someone notice and call her out for being less than or unworthy of her position.

And then he actually came. The feeling of reluctance she had in handing three back to his mother, when he was born, paled in comparison. She knew she needed to hand her baby over to her Ghoulettes so they could present him to her as a found object, to maintain the secret, to keep the pretense, to save both Nihil and her baby from what his existence meant, but Satan help her, she wept. She thought she could tolerate it and she almost couldn't. He is her baby, the light that Nihil, her Morning Star, shared with her. And he would have everything, his life and legacy would be full of abundance. Like his father before him, she kissed his face and named him: Copia.

I know we, as a congregation, are divided on whether or not he Knows who his parents are, but I'm firmly in the camp that he does not. He may have grown up seeing Sister as a maternal figure, imagining what it might be like to have her as whatever his idea of a mother is, but he does not know.

If you asked the other boys (as children), they would grumble (with varying degrees of enthusiasm) about how much she favours her little rat familiar. He's a snitch and a hanger-on and an outsider and Sister doesn't love anything, but for some reason lets him hide in the folds of her skirts and allows him to assume he's people.

(But honestly, if you asked One and Two, they'd say she's almost the same way about Three who is also a spoiled baby that she, for some reason, seems more often than not indulge in this.)

It's not terribly angsty, but if you're interested in some previous interactions I've written between Sister and Copia when he was a child, that's one of my most favourite subjects to cover, and you can read more here:

immagine de strega

ora della sputino

verdrai la luce

[an-asuryampasya]

[rambling into the void]

oh my sibling better appreciate what I'm about to do. I'm going to. [deep breath] okay, I can do this. ...sing, at his wedding. I mean not like get-up-on-stage-and-sing, FUCK no. But uh, as his sister I'll be giving him harati a bunch of times at various points - idk how to explain what that means in English but it basically involves waving a fire at him and is generally accompanied by singing. I mean it'll be for barely a minute each time. But still, usually there's always this song and dance about who'll do the singing because, well, duh. Public humiliation and stuff. Although it might be just me who views it that way. I think it usually comes down to others not knowing any good song or something. Also people are usually very nice about it and it's barely a minute long anyway. But still. terrifying???

But also. This time it's my own brother so uh, I can do the singing myself, thank you very much. Don't need to struggle to locate some willing, distantly related aunt to deign us with her voice. It's my own bother (affectionate) and I don't need anyone else to step up for me.

It shouldn't technically be a terrifying concept, if it weren't for, y'know, the AnxietyTM. I mean I know that objectively I'm not a terrible singer - even got a bunch of classes from years ago and a ✨ certificate ✨ or two to show for it. And more pertinently, I have a LOT of practice singing along terribly off-key with showtunes from musicals. But I've not sung Carnatic stuff in ages now, and I'm. Well, I don't even know /what/ to sing. I'll probably learn something new? Because I could probably dredge up my old textbooks and find something I've learnt before, but my terribly uncultured self doesn't actually know if there's some songs which are more appropriate or not. There probably are? And idk where the fuck my fav 'rara venu gopabala' fits in that list, despite it being very fun to sing.

And then there's the biggest concern. If I sing this one time, I might be signing myself up for being roped into this duty EVERY time from now on. Which. Oof.

But also. It's my brother's wedding! I'm excited that he's excited and yeah okay, I want to do this myself. Although he probably hasn't even thought about this part yet and also would never ask me to do it because he's the one who's sat through the most anxiety attack induced phone calls from me sjfndnf

But I? Kinda want to? I wasn't sure how I'd feel about him getting married and stuff but this slight excitement is. Unexpected. But a pleasant surprise.

My bother's getting married. Fuck, he really is. Things will change, so much. And that's good, of course. Things /should/ change. He's starting the rest of his life, and that's good. I'm glad he's excited! I'm timidly excited. But it means from now on he can't just drop everything and come home everytime I go home for the hols now, probably. Which I'll miss, but of course it makes sense. There's a whole other person he'll have to plan with. I would've said at least I can just text him whenever, which I can, except the dodo is the kind to simply reply with a thumbs-up so uh, so much for that. xD

But well, I'll still always call him dumb nicknames and I'll still see him every now and then and he'll continue to make dreadful puns and we'll still commiserate over handling our parents, so. Some things will stay the same. The important things will stay the same. I'll always bounce my hand on his ridiculously curly hair when I meet him and make 'boing!' sounds.

So yeah. He's getting married! And I think I'm excited. And I really hope he has a great rest-of-his-life, oof.

anyway did not expect grumbling about deciding to risk public humiliation via song to turn into a sappy thing about change and siblings [bleurgh] but there we are. Siblings, exasperatedly fond of them even when they're not around.

boooo, I say, with affection.

[mc-lukanette]

Have you considered writing a "Truth" fix-it with Marinette admitting her secret to Luka? Maybe he could be a confidant like Marianne was for Fu.

Truth was having a terrible, awful, rotten, very bad day. If he could use his powers on the universe, he would've asked what he did to deserve this kind of treatment.

It started with his girlfriend keeping a secret from him concerning her ditching their dates, then escalated to Jagged Stone - who'd been his idol for years - turning out to be the father who abandoned him, and now he was fighting Ladybug and Chat Noir in Marinette's room after he’d been told by multiple people that Marinette’s supposed “secret” was that she was in love with Adrien, as if he hadn’t already known that and they just wanted to mock him.

His civilian self had never been never someone to presume, but now it's all he could do. Marinette must've ditched him because she didn't really love him, Jagged probably never even felt bad about abandoning him, and despite Adrien never even trying to win Marinette's heart, he was just better than Luka in every way, because the rich model with all the connections Marinette could ever want would always outmatch the "guitar boy" who worked a part-time job, lived on a houseboat, and had parents who either kept secrets from him or flat-out didn't want him.

Had it not been for his akumatization working to drive him towards a goal without interference, he would've cried. He wanted nothing more than to wake up and think the whole thing was just a bad nightmare, with dating Marinette just being brief highlights of it that kept getting shot down with a reminder that he wasn't good enough.

He wanted it all to be over.

Chat Noir was still trying to banter with him, but Truth wasn't having it. While going after Ladybug first wasn't ideal, as she was the smarter out of the two, it was easier to get rid of Chat Noir and deal with the heroes one at a time.

Thus, when Ladybug had run across the room to use her Lucky Charm, Truth acted. He managed to grab Chat Noir and throw him into the chest that Ladybug had been hiding in before, then locked it tight to prevent Chat from escaping. That done, he went after Ladybug, who was stunned but nevertheless prepared to fight. Chat Noir being out of the picture didn't impact her ability to fight, but Truth had Pharo on his side to knock Ladybug around when it was too hard to get a spotlight on her.

Finally, he managed to tackle her, her lying on her back and him pinning her arms down. The chest nearby rattled in protest, but Pharo shined its spotlight on it, preventing it from moving anymore.

Truth watched as Ladybug looked around for a method of escape, but she came up empty. Her eyes widened in the realization that... this was it. This was the end.

"Now," Truth said, clamping down harder on her arms as he leaned down, "tell me the truth!"

Ladybug tried to shut her lips tight, but he could see her struggling, her body shaking as she tried to free her arms to stop herself. It was only a matter of time.

Then, her mouth opened, and out came the words, "I love you, Luka!"

He froze, his fingers twitching in his confusion while he could only stare down at her in shock.

"And I'm so sorry! I'm sorry for everything! I wanted to tell you - I always wanted you to know - but I couldn't, and you deserve so much better than a hero who can't give you the time you deserve!"

A cold realization washed over him in form of a shudder. Those words could've been interpreted in so many ways, but he was the only one who registered their real meaning: that Marinette was Ladybug, her "ditching" had been her needing to fight akuma, her keeping secrets had been out of a desire to protect him, and he—

...He had only caused her more problems by getting akumatized, being no better than all those that had interrupted their dates. She loved him, and he gave into Shadow Moth to go against her.

Ladybug continued rambling, oblivious to his internal crisis, "You're incredible, and I just love you so much. I knew you were special from the day we met, when you called me—"

Truth clamped his hand over her mouth, preventing her from spilling any more secrets. He could feel Shadow Moth's influence in his mind, demanding that he remove his hand, but Truth ignored it, just as he'd been ignoring so many of his commands. The energy from akumatization that once made him feel powerful now made him feel disgusted with himself, guilt swirling in his gut and making him regret everything.

He reached up with his other hand, grabbing at his necklace and tearing it off. Ladybug's brows rose at the crunching of his akumatized object, and the last things he saw were the akuma flying free and Ladybug's expression turning to something...

thoughtful.

—————

Marinette de-transformed in a nearby alleyway and headed down towards the Seine, having not yet processed all of her feelings from that day. She had a little time left, given that Luka had quietly asked to walk back home himself, but she’d gotten no closer to clearing her mind since leaving her house. She was still a jumbled mess of "what if"s and "but maybe"s, and ultimately knew that it was going to be a matter of essentially winging it and just saying everything that she had on her mind.

As she approached the Liberty to wait for Luka, she paused as she noticed another figure already standing there. After all, Jagged Stone wasn't exactly someone you could not notice.

Before she could debate on whether to approach him, Jagged seemed to sense her and glanced over to make eye contact. She stiffened, only able to wave awkwardly and pretend like she didn't know why he'd be there.

"Hey, frockstar," Jagged greeted tiredly, his smile not quite reaching its usual lengths. "What are you doing here?"

"Um..." She walked over, standing next to him and staring in the direction where Luka was going to come from. "I need to talk to my boyfriend."

"Ah." It took a few seconds for the words to actually register with him, at which point Jagged turned to her, mouth agape as he grabbed her shoulders. "My son's your boyfriend?!"

She didn't quite have the energy to feign total surprise at the “son” comment, but she didn't have to. Jagged immediately pulled back without really looking at her, regaining his composure just as quickly as he'd lost it.

"You... wouldn't happen to be able to put in a good word for me, hm?" He grinned sheepishly, jabbing at Marinette with a hopeful elbow. "Haven't exactly figured out what I'm gonna say yet."

She was torn between being upset with him on Luka’s behalf and feigning sympathy because it was not only none of her business, but she was in a similar boat and felt like she had no right to judge.

She went with the latter, smiling weakly and jabbing him back. "That makes two of us." Then, she frowned as her nerves came back. "And... anyway, I don't know if he'll want to keep being my boyfriend after tonight."

For once, Jagged didn't pry or ask questions, the atmosphere probably felt even by him. They just stood there, waiting.

After a few minutes, Luka finally walked into view, staring at the ground and seeming defeated. Marinette felt ill at the sight, her fingers clutching at the fabric of her capris to find a sense of stability.

Should she approach him? Let Jagged go first? Or, maybe that would seem evasive, so—

She felt a pat on her shoulder, looking up at see Jagged urging her forward with his eyes. She wasn't sure if she should be grateful or consider him to be the evasive one, but Luka's akumatization was also mostly because of her and thus it only made sense for her to go first.

She ran the distance to get to him, Luka glancing up at the sound of her footsteps and stopping as she got to him. The usual light in his eyes wasn't there, and she had to force herself to even say a simple, "Um... hi."

"Hey." He hesitated, then rubbed the back of his head. "I'm really sorry, Marinette."

"Huh?"

"I got akumatized, and I was in your room when I woke up." His brows furrowed with uncharacteristic anxiety. "I didn't have to hear the song to know what the notes were. I must've gone after you."

Marinette blinked, having not even thought about him feeling guilty over the whole thing. She shook her head, reassuring, "No no! I mean—you told me to run! You didn't go after me, not really!"

She wasn't technically lying; he never sought her out to her knowledge, and even as Ladybug, she'd always had to chase him.

Luka sighed in relief, though his expression didn't change much. "I'm glad."

He met her gaze again. She yearned for the way he used to look at her like he wanted to get lost in her forever, but his eyes soon darted elsewhere as he noticed Jagged Stone standing not too far away.

Marinette tried not to get discouraged, stepping back into his vision and waving her hands to try and divert his attention. "Ah—don't worry about that! Look—" She paused, needing a moment to breathe, then lowered her hands and shifted to seriousness. "Can we talk? And walk? It's... really important."

She couldn't imagine the conclusions he must've been coming to in his head, partly because he didn't voice any of them. His eyes merely searched hers, seeking nothing in particular.

"Sure, Marinette," he agreed.

She managed a smile, happy that she made it this far at least. She reached out to take his hand, but stopped herself at the last second and simply walked past him, Luka taking one look back at Jagged before following after her.

The walk was tense and quiet, the only sounds coming from the evening ambiance and their footsteps. The uncertainty of it all gave her anxiety, but she'd been sure of that uncertainty since she first decided to talk to him about this.

Because, whatever the future of their relationship was, it would be in his hands.

—————

As they arrived at her intended destination, Marinette heard Luka briefly stop behind her, perhaps processing where she just took them. It was the Canal Saint-Martin, also known as the place where they'd first agreed to date, and now it was potentially the place where they'd break up as well. Marinette vaguely pondered if that would be for the best, like the memories would just cancel each other out and Luka could forget about it altogether if he wanted to.

Nevertheless, she walked over, glancing at the bridge for reference and sitting in roughly the same place she’d been all that time ago. She then tossed Luka a hopeful look, and he walked over to sit next to her.

Steeling herself up, Marinette took a breath, inhaling until she couldn't take in any more oxygen and then exhaling for just as long. At least a little more emotionally prepared than she was before, she finally spoke up.

"I...I'm sorry, Luka. I'm sorry that I got you akumatized—" She saw that he was about to interject and cut him off. "—and I know you don't blame me, but it doesn't matter—I mean—it does matter, but I'm still sorry anyway, okay? You had a right to be hurt and maybe if I'd explained myself better, then things would’ve been different."

He still seemed to want to argue, but was holding himself back so she could continue, which she appreciated.

"It's not that I didn't trust you. If anything, I—I trust you more than anyone else. You've never betrayed me and I know you'd never tell anyone if I told you my secret. You understand me even when I'm being the disaster that everyone laughs at - everyone but you - and..."

She sighed, pulling out her phone and navigating to her text conversation with him. Mentally wincing, she tapped on the photo of her Adrien wall that Ziggy had sent, then presented it to him. He leaned in to make sure of what it was, then looked back at her, clearly not understanding where she was going but knowing it wasn't her being spiteful or rubbing it in.

She said as much, "You don't assume anything, like when you got sent this dumb picture. I know it was obvious that it was an accident, but you didn’t have to go with it and you did. I wouldn't have blamed you if you got mad, but you didn't. Whenever I'm stammering and being an idiot because I'm scared or nervous, you don't judge me for it or think that whatever comes out is what I actually mean. That's so important to me, Luka, you have no idea."

She settled the phone between them and kept the picture on-screen. Her gaze flickered down to it, silently encouraging him to look at it too, then glanced back up at him.

"How much do you know about fashion?"

He tilted his head, thrown off by the sudden question, but answered anyway, "Only what my sister's ever talked about."

"Do you know why fashion trends die so quickly?" When he shook his head, she explained, "Part of it is the over-exposure. When people hear about what's in at the time, suddenly everyone starts wearing whatever it is, so everywhere you look, you see it, and then people get tired of it."

There was a flicker of understanding in his eyes, Luka looking back-and-forth between her and the phone like he was piecing a puzzle together.

She confirmed it for him, "That's why I have so many. I don't feel that way about him anymore - I don't think I ever did - but I just don't know how to act around him. I hate how the whole idolizing thing took over my life and I already tried everything else, so I figured this might work." She groaned. "And of course it blew up on me and you got sent that without any context. Of course."

He gave a look of concern at the exasperation in her tone, but she tried to ignore it, not wanting his sympathy.

"My point is..." She gestured vaguely at the phone. "I stammer about him, but it's not because I'm in love with him, it's because I've never really been his friend and I don't know how to do it. I'm not dedicated to him and I'm getting better at not doing the stuff I used to."

His eyes flickered again and she wondered if he was thinking about that day on the Liberty where she was late to Kitty Section playing, where she ignored Adrien entirely. Just for emphasis, she tapped her phone and deleted the picture, adding on, "I'm only dedicated to you, Luka. I—"

She shifted in place, hitting the wall behind her feet a few times with her heels to ease off the anxiousness. It was so much easier when she’d been Ladybug, though granted that she was under the influence of Truth's spell at the time. She and Luka were dating, yet she was sure he'd ask her to end it, making putting herself out there all the scarier.

"I..." She met his gaze. "I love you." He gaped at the confession and she continued on, "I love you like I haven't loved anyone else before; definitely not Adrien. It's the kind of love that actually makes me happy, and comfortable, and my life is better with you in it."

She bit her bottom lip, hands curling into fists at the tight feeling in her chest. She turned, placing one hand on the ground as she began to push herself up, her other hand landing on Luka's shoulder to wordlessly insist that he didn't have to stand with her, so his gaze merely followed her as she moved.

"But that's the thing." She took a few steps away, back turned to him as she stared up at the sky. Her stomach twisted itself in knots at the words in her throat, but she nonetheless admitted, "I don't think it's mutual."

Luka's voice took on a sharp, offended tone. "Marinette—"

She spun to face him, cutting him off, "—and I know that you're going to say something sweet and heartfelt about how everyone has a place in your life and then something about how bad notes can still make good songs, but... Luka, you don't understand."

She turned away from him again, this time pacing as she counted off events. "Bullies and liars target me, and sometimes that means going after people I care about. I'm clumsy and a stuttering mess and you wouldn't believe the mistakes I made that I couldn't have even seen coming. It seems like I draw bad luck wherever I go; I mean, your mother is one of the most chaotic people I can think of, so you'd think she'd get akumatized a bunch, but it was only the day I showed up that she did. Even the other boys who only loved me for a little bit either got akumatized over it or became an anxious mess until they found out who they actually liked, and that last one would've at least been really useful to think about if I'd just made the connection back then, but I didn't!" She paused, then met his eyes with a pained expression. "And then there's you."

"What do you mean?"

She stopped in place, not knowing whether to be touched or not by the fact that he either hadn't noticed or was pretending not to. Throwing her arms out, she explained, "Things go bad whenever we hang out! I already mentioned your mom, but then there was the ice rink; even without me getting distracted when all you were trying to do was make me feel better, there was an akuma and you probably got frozen solid by him. When we were hanging out on the Liberty, Adrien just happened to show up on that day with Kagami to turn me into a mess, and then Desperada came to make everything worse."

Marinette couldn't remember when she'd started thinking about such things or feeling guilty for everything that ever happened. There was just a point where it felt like she was always apologizing for something, no matter how small it was, and stuff being her fault became par for the course by then.

"Then, both times you got akumatized, it was because of me—and I know you don't blame me, but I'm always involved! You were ready to leave the TV station, but because I tried to put up a fight, Bob Roth threatened me and that was your last straw. Today was the same thing; you were already upset about what happened with your dad and then it was me who sent you over the edge!" She shut her eyes tight, the memories painful to relive. "You're always putting up with me, Luka. You put up with me crying all over you and even dropped your guitar for it, and then you had to protect me from Miracle Queen's mind control! I'm supposed to protect you!"

He recoiled at the volume of her voice, then furrowed his brows, his eyes darting back and forth as he seemed to process something particular about what she said.

"I'm supposed to make you happy, and I can't. Out of all the people in Paris who should be able to keep you from getting akumatized, it should be me, and all I've done is hurt you. You're the calmest person I've ever known and then I came along and gave you feelings you didn't ask for. Sometimes—" She shook, choking briefly on the words. "Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better for you if you never met me."

Luka's gaze sharpened. He didn't reply, but turned fully to her, pushing himself up as if to approach.

However, she stepped back, his look then flashing to hurt. She took a breath, expression determined as she said with her whole chest, "I'm Ladybug, Luka."

He froze, his body going stiff and his eyes blinking rapidly at either the reveal itself or the way she’d so firmly said it.

"I'm Ladybug," she repeated quietly, this time with an ache in her voice, "and I'm telling you not because I trust you—I mean, I do trust you—but I also believe in you; that you wouldn't sell me out to Shadow Moth even with all the mind control in the world. You've always had my back and supported me even when I didn't deserve it, and I want you to know. It's dangerous and I don't know what'll happen and I'm scared but I want you to know it." She put a hand to her chest. "I'm the one who has to save Paris whenever something happens, and that's why I always had to ditch you. I'm the one who messed up and lost you your identity as Viperion. I'm the new guardian of the miraculouses, and the kwami don't even listen to me; they invaded my privacy and it was one of them that took and sent you that picture."

She realized that her vision was staring to blur and looked skywards, trying to fight back tears.

"I-I'm not a normal girl. I can't be a normal girlfriend, or give you everything you'd want out of a normal relationship. It's my fault that you got akumatized because I just—I wanted you. I wanted to be in a relationship and go on dates with you, but Ladybug isn't supposed to want things. She's supposed to be selfless and only worry about everyone else, but... you made me happy, and I wanted more of that. You were the first person I really felt like I could be myself around without being scolded or lied to and I thought it would be okay..."

She noticed him moving and quickly turned her back to him, at least able to let the tears fall now without him seeing them.

"I'm sorry I dragged you into this. I always think I can handle things but then it goes wrong and I end up hurting people. If I'd just gone home the day of the music festival instead of complaining about Adrien not being around, then none of this would've happened." She sighed in frustration, wiping her eyes clean of tears, and she was so focused on forcing her words out that she didn't hear the footsteps coming from behind her. "I-it's okay if you want to break up, Luka. It wasn't fair that I kept you in the dark, and I understand if you're mad, or you want to date other people, o-or if you don't love me anymore—"

Her voice cut off with a gasp as a pair of arms wrapped around her midsection, pulling her against a familiar, warm chest that had an unfamiliarly pounding heartbeat. She tried to look up at him, but his hair was shadowing out his eyes and left only his trembling lips visible. In fact, his whole body was shaking, as if it were winter and no amount of layers could keep him warm.

"L-luka?" she called, confused.

"Stop," he begged quietly, the hug tightening briefly to give her a squeeze. "Please."

"But..." She trailed off, acknowledging the request. She'd never heard his voice just break like that.

"You've already sung your part of our duet, Marinette. Now it's my turn." He paused, taking an unsteady breath before continuing, "I'm glad you told me your secret. I know you're worried about me being in danger, but it makes me happy that you can rely on me now. Music boxes aren't meant to stay shut, and you deserve someone who you can open up to, even if I hate that you have to mute yourself in the first place to keep everyone safe."

She opened her mouth, wanting to say that it was okay and it was just her job, but kept quiet to respect his earlier request.

"My life isn't worse because I met you," he murmured, an unspoken plea in his tone that told her to never think that way again. "I felt things with you that I never have before. My song started out as a flatline, then we met and you made it move. Music isn't exciting if it doesn't change but you did that for me. What you might see as bad notes is my passion for you, and I won't apologize for it or make you apologize for messing up just like every person does. I'd never wanted someone before you, and even if you never wanted to date me, I'm grateful that I got to know you; to fall for you."

Marinette blinked in an attempt to stop oncoming tears, Luka pulling her closer for comfort when she whimpered.

"All that mattered to me is when we were together, just the two of us. That's when your melody plays the clearest and when I get to see you. Those two weeks when we were preparing our music video were some of the best two weeks of my life because I got to see you in your element. I've accepted every break in the tempo because I've heard you, I've heard the Marinette you've wanted to be, and I want to be there for every beat of it." Then, he exhaled, adding with a somber tone, "I can't imagine how much pressure you must be under, or how awful things are and how impossible it must be to sing when you can't even take a breath without something going wrong. I just... I want to help you be happy. I don't care what you, your kwami, or anyone else says; you're allowed to be happy, Marinette, and I'd drop a thousand of my guitars if it meant that you get to play happy notes one more time."

She let out a sob, blushing pink as her hands unconsciously raised to rest on the ones around her waist, Luka sighing in content and nestling further against her.

"So I don't want to break up with you, Marinette. Not at all. I just want to find ways to make it easier on you - on both of us - and if that means finding ways of planning our dates around akuma attacks, or not planning at all and going wherever the rhythm leads, then that's what we'll do."

She tried to keep quiet, but couldn't help voicing, "W-what if... what if it doesn't work? What if I have to bail on you every now and then? People will think—"

"I was never worried about that," he retorted immediately. "I'm a Couffaine. My clothes are ripped, I carry my guitar in the basket on my bike, and I live on a boat. I stopped caring about what people thought a long time ago."

He was unbelievable. Marinette didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so she did both. He just held her there, his heart still beating against her back but now serving as something to calm her.

"The only opinions that matter in our duet are yours and mine," he said. His hold loosened, though hesitating like it was physically painful to release her. He let her go nonetheless and held his hands out in front of her, palms facing the sky. "So what about you, Marinette?"

She stared at his hands, then slowly raised her own to hover over them. She breathed up, then slid her fingers across his palms until their calloused fingertips met, neither making any move to pull away.

"I...I want to make it work," she whispered, leaning back against him. "I want to be with you, Luka. I'm at my best when I'm with you. I just..."

She stopped, knowing that he would have an argument for anything she said. If she apologized for the failed dates that she can never fix, he'd argue that it'd be worse to leave things off a sour note, and that not every good song starts out good. If she tried to suggest other people for him to date or imply that it'd be easier with someone else, he'd say that his guitar plays only for her and he wouldn't change that even if he could.

"...I'm sorry," she said, smiling her first genuine smile of the night. "I won't doubt myself anymore."

Even though she couldn't see his face, she knew he was smiling too. "Do you feel better?"

"Yeah. Do—do you?"

"Yeah," he replied, voice thick with emotion.

Wanting to see his face, she slowly dropped their hands and turned to face him, silently hoping that she didn't look awful from her earlier tears. However, to her surprise, she noticed that Luka's eyes were watery despite his smile, just like her. Realizing something, she raised a hand to her shoulder, where his face had been hovering over ever since he'd hugged her from behind.

It was wet.

"Oh, Luka..."

She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him against her. He returned the gesture, squeezing her lovingly and giving her back a few rubs that she responded to with a happy hum. They held the position, the warmth of the hug completely negating the slight chill of the night air.

Even when they pulled away, it wasn't far nor for long. Marinette wasn't sure which of them initiated it, but one moment they were staring at each other and the next they were kissing. It had been long overdue and she idly thought that it was better than she would've imagined their kiss at the cinema to be.

She breathed in his scent, her fingers blindly reaching up to slide into his hair. She almost felt like crying again, though this time in relief that everything had actually worked out for once and they were kissing without interruption. Even though Luka was more subtle in showing his emotions, she could tell that he felt the same from the way his hand on her back shook, practically vibrating with happiness.

The kiss eventually broke with a soft click, though she kept her hands on him for the sake of stability. They were both breathing a little hard from the emotional toll of the conversation yet not necessarily in a bad way.

And the love in his eyes - the life that she missed so much - was back. She honestly thought she wouldn’t have seen it again and she was tempted to just keep kissing him in relief, part of her aware that he definitely wouldn’t have minded it.

It took her a few tries to get the words out, hesitant to break up their wordless exchanges of love. She knew what revelation was waiting for Luka back at his houseboat - maybe he'd already guessed it - and she wanted to be there for him, so she asked carefully, "Do you... want me to come back to the Liberty with you?"

Eyes half-lidded, he gave her a soft smile and gently squeezed her hand. "Yeah. Do you want to sleep over?"

She nodded. "Mm, I'd like that."

Holding hands, they began making their way back to the Liberty, the ambiance of the night finally coming through to soothe them. Marinette glanced down at their joined hands, then at the wide smile on Luka's face, the latter clearly caused by the former.

She looked ahead at where they were walking, pretending that she hadn't just been admiring him. "We could always go out for breakfast together. That might work out."

"That sounds amazing." Luka feigned a look of thoughtfulness. "Maybe Shadow Moth doesn't like mornings?"

Marinette squeaked mid-giggle. "You'd think that'd be the case from the name, huh?"

He chuckled, covering his mouth with his free hand, and the conversation remained light from there. Any bad feelings from the day had evaporated, leaving only smiles and hope for the future in its place.

Everything was going to be okay. For once, Marinette could truly believe that.

[daemonhxckergrrl]

you think you know someone and suddenly they're all "we have to be respectful. she was a mother/grandmother and had a family and devoted her life to the country".

the incredibly racist family, including a literal paedophile she bailed out for £12 million ? the family who have an incredible amount of wealth while people here starve ? that family ? the one whose legacy is built off slavery and stealing ?

she devoted her life by... waving ?? being a mechanic once ?? making herself exempt from laws such as wealth transparency, hiring equality (iirc the late queen could turn down people working on her estate for being non-white). where was her devotion to queer people during the AIDS crisis ?? where was her devotion to struggling families when she tried to claim heating benefits for her palaces/castles ??

I'm not gonna go start fights over this, and there's people whose friendship I value enough to avoid this topic with (my respect is for them and not her bc she did fuck all to earn it), but it's disappointing to see.

I just don't get it. if someone has genuinely done awful things, and stood by while others happened, why should I refrain from speaking the truth ? why should I lie and only say positive things, or even just keep quiet, for an undisclosed amount of time in some pretense of "being respectful" ??

that's dishonest. it's also pointless. and yes,, I'd be upset if my parents died and stuff came out about them being terrible people, but I'd also be pissed at them for keeping that shit quiet. for pretending. and grieving is always messy so there's never a "right" time but I think if my parents had tried to hide the colonial source of their wealth or their active racism then I'd want to know. also I'd want to know where the fuck they got that money from considering we're a working class family.

my parents aren't, to my knowledge, terrible people and they haven't down anything like that. so it won't come up. bit like the royal family know exactly what they've done. what their legacy is. what she's done. it's not a surprise to them. like I think the nonce knows he's a nonce. on account of committing actual noncery. and if the kids don't onwo their legacy, perhaps it's a good thing if they find out.

tbh most of this is just people who the royals don't know exist and don't give a shit about getting all het up w/ other people the royals don't know or give a shit about. like it's the weirdest white knighting. Steve from Portsmouth she ain't gonna shag you bro. mostly bc she's dead. but also she didn't know or care.

whole thing is fucking stupid. sorry that this got long, I'm just tilted over the weird culty fetishisation around the monarchy (even from supposed anti-monarchists) and the absolutely scuffed social rule that we shouldn't talk shit about objectively bad dead people. if you don't want your family to deal w/ that then maybe don't be a shit person during your life

there's just gonna be some people I don't speak to for a few days until they've had their little mourning phase

[itsmeanyango]

THIRD HOUSE PROFECTION YEAR

The third house is the house of local community, transport and communication. This house is ruled by Gemini. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, so this house is influenced by Mercury and Gemini

Gemini is an air sign. Air is needed for transport and communication. Sound passes through air, movement(Transport) causes displacement of air. Air signs are thinkers, communicators and doers. They have their own mind and that explains why during Mercury retrograde communication and transport acts their own way. Cars break down, computers crash, backups fail and newly bought communication devices develop issues. I do not know of any communication/transport company that has ever made a release during Mercury retrograde or its shadow periods, they know what's up. I also have not seen successful musicians release music during this period UNLESS their music was in line with mercury retrograde energy or there were favorable transits.

The third house profection year means you will need to work on your communication skills and have to be on the move. You may be involved in local community work too, like being an interpreter or driving members of the local community around. This year may also have to deal with you, where you learn to talk to yourself and do things for yourself. The transport might also be having to move up and down the house doing one thing or another. This may be the year you learn a new language or have a lot of miscommunication issues. Communication is very sensitive and it can either make or break you. Your social media activity may either get you in trouble or be the beginning of something good. You may become a meme, or like one of those pages people like going to such as Spiritualworld or you may publish work. Whatever you do in your third house profection year will either make or break you in this digital age, or whatever you did in the past will come back up this year and make or break you. Clean your social media like you heard your favorite person is coming over to your house. Screenshots people, screenshots. Screenshot your payment and conversations so nobody tries to paint you dirty. Also, be careful in what you say online or text because people are taking screenshots.

This year affects ages 2,14,26,38,50,62,74,86,98,110,122,134...

I also wanna say that numerology 3 is creation. Tarot card 3 is the empress. So many creative projects may start this year. Creation also means pregnancy.

Age 14,26 and 38are the sensitive ages here. 14 because these are young immature children with so much internet access and they post anything, whatever you little ones are posting this year will come back to you real hard and bad. Or real hard and good. 26 Because you are figuring life out and the life stress can really mess with you. You might already have a child or children or child on the way. You may be having issues with your partner, you may be listening to these dating and or life coaches. You may find yourself talking bad about your partners, following others and abandoning your partner because a dating or life coach said something. 38 because you are probably married and having marital struggles, the children or child might be teenagers or older than 8, you miss your parents or your parents are sick. 26 and 38 if you cheat you will get caught, if someone lied about the child's paternity it will be discovered. The story of the hare and the Hyena describes the 26 and 38 year old's. You guys are the hyena, outside forces are the hare. You can change the narrative and not be the hyena who beats his wife to death just because hair said they should beat their nagging and annoying wives. Or you can be the proverbial hyena. There is so much to share so if you want more subscribe to my Patreon. Now here is the third house profection year in the signs

1. Third house profection year in a fire sign.

Sounds a lot like being in the spotlight, getting exposed or people around you being in the spotlight. Their glory will build you up, do not act on your jealousy or be sore. Them being successful means the good things are also coming to you. Its like the red car, blue car phenomenon. If you think of a red car, you will keep seeing red cars. If you think of a blue car, you will keep seeing blue cars. However, if these people are terrible to you and are kind of rubbing it in your face or making you seem inferior, it means you need to distance yourself because when your glory comes they will trample on it. Or if they see your glory coming, they will go over and beyond to stop it. If you become a bee-eye-tea-see-aich, you will have done yourself a disservice.

2. Third house profection year in a water sign.

Communication will be through your dreams, instincts and gut feeling unless you have anxiety or suffer from paranoia. You might find yourself extra intuitive. You will always feel drawn to places with your best interest and feel repelled from places that are not for you. You will be able to hear what is not said. If something tells you not to meet up with someone or not to leave the house, listen. Unfortunately its also the year parents and friends die or get into tragedies. If something tells you to call someone, do it. Keep a dream journal, you may find relevant messages for the now and far future. In the community, many people may come to you for help. Children may also approach you a lot.

3. Third house profection year in an earth sign.

You may be joining a new school(14 year old's)looking for a relationship to settle down(26 year old's), deciding if your marriage is worth fighting for or not(38 year old's). Whatever way you choose to communicate your desires needs to be well thought out and objective because you guys though doing things by the buke and rules, you don't really listen to other people. You think you are 98% good and only 2% bad. People see you as only 2% good and 98% bad. So 14 year old's, loosen up when choosing friends and do not stick around people who hurt or demean you. 14 year old black people, do not let anyone neo-colonialize you. You are smart, you are amazing, you are talented, you are doing amazing and the person in the mirror looks super awesome. Do not let nobody talk down on you. 26 year old's, make sure that whatever decision you make now is nothing to regret at 38. Be a happy person first, then be happy with another (or others cause not everyone is monogamous). 38 year old's, do not do it for the kids as a reason to fight for your marriage. At 50 you will be looking at retirement in about a decade and you do not want to look back and see how miserable a life you have lived plus the tragedies you put on your children. Sometimes hanging the boots is the best solution, some people are happier apart than together. Do not make your children choose sides. Be very careful about how you speak even in non verbal's because it will affect your children. In Swahili we say Fahali wawili wakipigana, nyasi huumia. In English that translates to, when two heifers fight its the grass that hurts. It means when two people fight, its those around them who get hurt. If anyone is buying a car this year or moving houses, inspect those two very seriously. Congratulations to people closing down on house, buying cars or even just their first computer or phone.

4. Third house profection year in an air sign.

Looks like a lot of energy is here. If you guys want something, speak it up. Make very active steps towards it or else its not coming. You have to speak up. Promote the living daylights out of your art. Be very careful with vehicles this year. Gossip. careless speaking, careless driving. Beware of information you receive and information you put out. Blocked energy like creators block or lack of clarity in things. You may benefit from stepping back from things so you can see the bigger picture. I am having a hard time writing for air signs as a group, this may be a difficult year for you guys. Sorry. Aquarius traditional ruler is Saturn, so Aquarians if you are careless with your communication and movement this year then you will get it rough as Saturn is the planet of karma. Libra ruled 3rd house people may want to be free. Liberation. Freedom of expression and freedom to travel. Its 2021 and there's a pandemic so if you must travel be careful. Travel may also mean going to the mall, beauty supply store, food joints or general movement. You may find yourself always wanting to be on the move. Geminis might be confused and unable to choose between two things or unable to decide what to say.

In conclusion, check where Mercury is on your chart.

These interpretations of mine are general, the aspects in your chart and condition of Mercury may make things vary.

You may notice these things happen around you and not to you, there is a reason why. Learn from the happenings and live your life well.

[saphirered]

Hi welcome back! Hope you’re doing well. Random question b4 my request, bc I want to give back as thanks for the great writing: are you a coffee, tea, or hot chocolate/cocoa drinker? I prefer hot chocolate and sweet tea.

How would the m9 respond to an SO/friend with a kid? Where the reader is a single parent with a child of at most 10 years old. Thanks :)

- 🐋

This took a while to write so sorry for that 😅. I'm so glad you like my writing! I love writing for you lot. I'm definitely a hot cocoa person. I hope this one turned out to your liking 😘.

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Caleb:

You never hid the fact you had a child from Caleb, if anything you’re proud of them. Though, you do know in certain company it’s better to keep that fact a secret for safety reasons. Caleb understands that fully he respects and admires you always put your child’s best interests first.

This is why when you began getting more involved with Caleb you kept your child out of it and took a good amount of time before introducing them to the wizard. You didn’t want to set expectations for both sides and wanted to protect and preserve them both should what you and Caleb had going not work out after all.

It’s no surprise Caleb is good with children. He takes a gentle approach when it comes to all things good in this world to the point of almost being afraid to ‘ruin it’. You assured him many times he was in the clear and how could his heart not warm at the curiosity and search for knowledge your child was already displaying.

With your permission Caleb began teaching your child some things here and there. The theoretics of magic and eventually simple spells. The smile it brought to their faces while they worked couldn’t make you happier. Caleb definitely earned your child’s approval to stick around.

Beau:

At first Beau is surprised. She knows children come from somewhere of course. She’s not stupid but actually tying a child to their parent let alone being very close to that parent is a whole new story. Especially learning you raised your child on your own and seeing you want to provide what’s best for them definitely earns you her respect, not having a parent with the same motivation herself and all.

The day of introductions came along and as expected Beau is the most awkward, trying not to be a terrible influence and be on her best behaviour, makes her very much on edge. An perceptive child picking up on this awkward behaviour calling her out leaving her cursing like a sailor, then apologising for said curses, even less of a surprise. You had to assure her many times it was fine.

Beau makes a promise that no matter what, she’ll make sure you’ll be returning to your child and make sure they get the love and support they deserve. Growing up without loving parents is one thing. Growing up an orphan another. She’d do everything in her power to keep you safe.

It may have began with joking comments such as ‘finish your homework’ to ‘do the dishes’ and ‘be nice to your parent while I’m gone’ but it didn’t take long before Beau was helping them with their homework or cleaning dishes after you cooked.

Absolutely treats your child as someone capable of making decisions of their own and speaking for themselves. No baby voices or cooing like too many adults tend to do even to a child regardless of their age. Your child has thoughts and opinions of their own and for the love of all that is sacred, can speak for themselves. You’re glad Beau treats them with a sense of maturity.

Fjord:

Fjord may have done what can only be referred to as a spit take the moment you said you had a child. Clearly didn’t expect it but giving him time to recover and process he’d ask all sorts of questions. What are they like? What do they like? And of course the dreaded question about your partner.

Supportive Fjord for the win. After finding out you’re on your own he’d always have your back, checking in with you and making sure you’re doing alright amidst the stress of the world and raising a child in the mix of it all. He’d open up to you about his past and being raised without any kind of proper parental figure. What he wouldn’t have done to have someone like you around when it counted for him.

Introducing them went rather smoothly. Fjord is surprisingly good with children. While some might find him intimidating, he nearly melted when your child embraced him as a thank you for looking out for you. Fjord was happy to answer any and all questions your child asked.

Whenever you’d be swept away for a while having to leave your child in the care of your trusted ones, Fjord would tell your child to ‘have the wheel, sailor’ which they would return with a salute before biding you both goodbye. Fjord slowly transcended into a bit of a father role and none of you minded in the least. You were happy.

Veth:

When she spoke of her boy she left behind you pitied her. A child shouldn’t be without their family. They deserved to be loved and sheltered from the darkness of the world until they are ready. When you told her you had one of your own Veth really felt safe to confide in you with her worries and troubles. You bonded over it really, drowning out all the sad stories and struggles with fond memories of both your families. Sadly for you, that would only extend to you and your child, the memories of their other parent perhaps somewhat painful to share.

You wondered what it would be like if your children ever got to meet in person. Then the day came. Nicodranas really had a way of bringing families together didn’t it? First time may have been a bit strange, your child being fully aware of Veth’s need for a disguise with her son, played their part well. Both you and Veth may have wiped away some tears when Luc claimed your child their big sibling from now on, and you his third parent.

Work and life are a difficult combination for Veth. She wants nothing more than to be with Yeza and take care of her boy but as long as the world’s in peril and her other family needs her just as much if not more, she’ll have to leave them behind. Knowing that you and your child are with her husband and son when she can’t be eases her mind a lot and she’s forever grateful.

It goes unsaid that Veth’s time away from children and in the presence of adults, specifically the Mighty Nein may have left her a bit out of the routines of raising a child as shown by giving Luc and your child fireworks, promising them to teach them how to shoot a crossbow and more. You did have to hold her back a little with the help of Yeza and keep things a bit more contained for their safety, but mostly yours.

Jester:

Of course upon learning you’re raising your child all by yourself Jester goes onto a rant about how her and her mom were always alone and how Marion used to read stories to her and do you read stories to your child and do you sing to them and draw with them and give them hugs and cuddles after nightmares and… You have no idea how that girl doesn’t run out of breath.

Jester couldn’t be anyone but herself when meeting your child asking about their interests, do they like to draw and sing and dance and… You ran out of breath just listening to her talk and your child replying in similar fashion. Everything went quite well and the two of them got along. Jester would be singing them songs and teaching them how to draw resulting in many dick drawings randomly appearing in your books, notes and other places, followed by mischievous giggles.

Having bought your child a lovely green cloak and letting them pretend they’re the Traveler here to spread mischief and fun and leave behind many phallic shaped objects drawn and carved wherever possible sent you all in laughing fits but you swore you heard a more masculine chuckle and saw a green cloak fade into the shadows. Odd.

What only can be summed up as the combination between big sibling, fun wine cupcake aunt and mom, remained a constant in your life and you couldn’t be more thankful to have that ray of sunshine be there for all of you.

Caduceus:

Caduceus is very calm and collected about learning you have a child. Less of a response than perhaps anyone else perviously unknowing. “That’s nice.” He’d nod. You’d almost start thinking he may have been able to read it off you for some reason. He confirmed he was, the tired eyes, and the recovery of exasperation at times but sense of accomplishment and reward was a look he had seen from his own mother many times.

“You’re weird.” A stare down ensued. “You’re weird too.” Eyes sharpened. “I like you.” The ice broke and smiles followed. For a moment you were afraid that maybe your child wouldn’t like the odd firbolg and thinking about how you would keep friends and family separate but a wave of relief went over you knowing that all was well between the two most valuable people in your life.

You’d be handed a fresh cup of tea by your child, a plate of snacks by Caduceus, all too innocent smiles on their faces but all it took was a raised eyebrow from you to have them come clean about the kitchen being covered in soil from the two of them potting new plants, turning your home and garden in what can only be described as a greenhouse and rather ask for forgiveness than permission. You weren’t mad of course, but did make them clean the mess they made.

You’re still unsure whether or not it was a good or bad idea introducing your child to the extended Clay family as you got some insight in the chaotic prank wars between the siblings and all together sibling rivalry among some of them. It’s all fun and games of course but some moments you were glad you weren’t the one pelted with mud pies by Calliope or pushed into the spring by Calliope herself. Instead you could just enjoy Clarabelle’s bug collection with your child while laughing at the other’s being covered in mud and soaked to the bone.

Yasha:

Poor Yasha doesn’t recall much of a family. In reality she never really felt like she had one until the circus, and after them the Nein. When she saw you and your child together, the unconditional love you had for each other, she felt like she finally realised what she had been missing, and something she perhaps would never have. She learned the value of such a relationship.

Yasha has no idea how to interact with children at any level and by default tends to treat them as either adults, or cute animals. No in between. It took her some time to get the hang of it but you couldn’t deny both you and your child rather enjoyed the unconventional relationship.

The wastes and hardships of Xhorhas may force a child to grow up quickly in the tribes but that doesn’t mean children outside of those regions have to learn how to wield a sword and what bugs you can and cannot eat or how to best skin an animal before eating it… It took some convincing why that was not a necessary skill to learn at the tender age of ten.

You compromised with Yasha on the fighting in the end, persuaded by the woman and your child to allow her to teach them some fighting basics because someone’ has to have your back when Yasha’s not there. You did manage to hold them off on purchasing a sword perhaps too large for your child despite the ‘they’ll grow into it’ reasoning and instead settled on training equipment instead.

Mollymauk:

Oh Mollymauk, nothing surprises this one. He felt rather sorry for you going through the struggles of raising a child alone. He may not remember his own family but he’s traveled far and wide enough to know the hardships. He knows poor Toya and he admires you for being able to do what so many can’t or won’t.

It goes unsaid that Molly is perhaps the worst of influences when it comes to people but you’ve seen him interact with Toya before and know well enough he’s a kind and caring soul who wants only the best for those who can’t just yet fend for themselves. It’s a good foundation that leads to a better person. He jokingly claims himself proof of that through the carnival and him ‘being an absolute asshole’.

Molly’s soft side really does come out whenever he’s around your child. He doesn’t deliberately censor himself but tries to contain certain words and avoid certain subjects that should never be discussed around your child knowing you’d appreciate it and if he does let something slip and your child ask questions he’d gently explain it as certain things should definitely not be described in gory detail to someone of their age.

This circus man is not afraid to put on a show in any circumstance and will happily do so to cheer you or your child up whenever you’re feeling a bit down or overworked. Whether he’s making a fool of himself, giving you bogus card readings, juggle his swords or tell the most ridiculous stories ever he’d do it without a second thought because it brings you and your child joy. You’re part of his family and he’d go to hell and back again for you.

[celamoon]

There’s so many Saiki x reader fics that I wanna write but I don’t have the time for it and UGH I’ll just toss them all here in hopes that I’ll actually write it one day.

Reminder to self: Italics - Means alternatively and not part of regular script

1. Spooning - Hurt/comfort (My mommy and daddy issues are showing LMAO)

Saiki spoons you whenever you get into a fight with your parents. He doesn't have demanding parents like you do but he tries his best to help you out. So he settles for holding you close to himself even though he hates physical contact, and he settles for drawing little shapes on your back while you cry into his chest. He hates skin-to-skin contact with just about everyone, but for some reason, he can't bring himself to push you away. He lets you rest on his chest until your quiet sobs are nothing more than soft snores, and he helps you wipe a piece of hair away. When he's sure you've fallen asleep, he lets himself close his eyes. You wake up the next morning, still in his arms, close to his chest.

2. My Sunshine - Hurt/No comfort, Major character death

Every time 'you are my sunshine' comes on Kusuo's playlist he feels his heart break little by little. because years ago you used to sing it to him before he reset the earth back by one year. The first words of the year to him were always 'you are my sunshine', you always smiled at him as if the year didn't reset again, and you always sang the song on the way to school. His only regret was not realizing that you were throwing up petals sooner, and not confessing to you before you let yourself wither away. Now all Kusuo has left for himself is a short voice message you sent him years ago to soothe him to sleep.

3. Sweet Melody - Player au (OOC from canon)

Saiki’s one of the most notorious players in the school, he even dumped Teruhashi after dating her for a month or so. After losing a bet to one of your friends, you become hell bent on playing the player. You successfully lure him in, and eventually you two start dating. The only issue is that you can’t seem to play him the more you get to know about him. Turns out it was the same case as before, he only pretended to open up to you and kept everything important to himself. He plans to breaks up with you in front of the school like always only to find out that you had dug deeper than he intended and had more than enough dirt on him. He tethers between actually dating you and only pretending to date you before he decides upon breaking up with you for the better.

4. Good in Goodbye - Exes Au (Reader's side)

Saiki broke up with you as planned in Sweet Melody so you write a song reminding him of all the dirt you have on him. Your goal isn’t to break his heart anymore, it’s to remind him of all the people he’s hurt. You fell for him hard, much harder than planned, so you decide to toss everything into a song that blew you up. You two meet up at a modelling gig years later after you find out that Saiki’s your photographer. He’s changed, but so have you.

5. All Time Low - Exes Au (Kusuo's side)

Saiki's side of the break up. Seeing your ex in your class every day is hard, but being unable to move on hurts more. Especially since third year has just ended and college is laying ahead. Stuck brooding over his feelings for you, Saiki decides to become a photographer in hopes to have you as his model and muse one day. The universe proves to be on his side this time, especially since you were his next model. He wants to reconcile what you once had, but you seem to have other plans.

6. Better than Revenge - Player Au (Again)

Saiki breaks up with you after Teruhashi finally steals him from you. What do you do? Cry over it with ice cream, then do what every good student turned bad does. You play. She breaks your happiness so you teach Teruhashi a very important lesson. No one out-dos you, especially someone like her. She may have a fanbase, but you have something better, you have an army and that army is always ready to throw hands for you regardless of who it is.

7. Talkative - Hurt/comfort

Saiki k angst where he calls you annoying so you completely stop talking and you lock yourself in for a week. Saiki is forced to teleport to your place after you don't show up to school. He finds you sitting in your closet, looking sicker than ever. He bites down on his words and helps nurse you back to health as an apology.

8. Heather - Hurt. ANGST!

You're Saiki's best friend and you watch Saiki fall in love with Teruhashi over the episodes. Third year finally begins, and you watch as Teruhashi's confession runs in success, cheering for the newly formed couple as if you were alright. You start drifting away, and Saiki doesn't seem to care that much. Until you hear that he broke up with Teruhashi and find him in front of your door, eyes brimming with tears with apologies spewing out of his mouth.

9. Fine. - Angst (semi-prologue of My Sunshine {2})

You and Saiki get into a particularly bad argument over him spending time with Teruhashi over the weeks and he accuses you of being clingy and selfish. So you leave the house because he’s being preposterous and you need time to calm down. You and Saiki have never fought like that before. Your vision gets blurry from the tears and you pass out onto the pavement from exhaustion. You wake up in the hospital room and find your boyfriend with dark circles under his eye. He had never been so terrified of losing something. The only issue is that you're not actually awake, and that you've just passed.

10. No u - Psychic! Reader au (Written)

Funny enough the new transfer student isn’t strange. If anything they’re hot as hell and Saiki swears he’s never like this. Things make sense once he realizes the other student is psychic and used mind control to have everyone love them. You find Saiki’s struggle out of your web funny and decide to entertain him. How? By seeing how far you can get with the teasing.

11. (Insert vine) aWw hEll nAww - Soulmate AU

It’s been around 3-4 decades since Saiki was born and so far he hasn’t aged a day past 18 since he never found his soulmate. Y/n finally waltzes into his life one faithful Monday morning and Saiki teleports away instantly because he’s enjoyed not aging and he was not doing this now. Y/n on thé other hand starts to age slowly (so does Saiki but shh) and eventually they decide to track the man down because wHO THstE HELL JUST WALKS OUT FROM THEIR SOULMATE LIKE THAT HUH?? Chaos ensues.

12. Darkened Wishes - Thousand Crane Au

Kusuo left you years ago, so you fold a crane a day for 3 years so that you could wish that he would return to you. What they didn't tell you though, was that for each wish you make a thing of the same value is taken away from the earth. After you make the wish you find out that Kusuo's wife suffered from a miscarriage and passed away. You feel terrible so you hide yourself, but you made the wish, so the cranes won't leave you alone until you fulfill what they granted you. After all, you aren't allowed to back away from a wish you made, they already opened up the path for you anyway.

13. It's Tough to be a god - Corrupt CEO AU

Y/n is the heir to the L/n business empire, one step away from rising to the top. After manipulating her parents out of the line to the top of the business empire and paying her way up positions, they set out to finally secure the position of CEO. Though evil in their ways, they're incredibly good at treating their workers like humans. They lack nothing, except for that final company that they need to buy over.

Saiki Kusuo is the CEO of the Saiki Enterprises. After his brother started a rival company to out-business the Saiki Enterprises, Kusuo's been cautious in whose business contracts he accepts. He receives a contract from the L/n business empire to purchase a branch of the company, and he refuses for security reasons. This ticks off Y/n, who then does everything in their power to destroy Kusuo's company, including seduction and destruction.

(Or alternatively) Kusuo wants nothing to do with that business he's inheriting and sells it off to Y/n, only he accidentally signs off himself too. And now he's in a mess of 'I'm techincally property' and paying the fine of breaking the contract. Lucky for him, it's just one year of 'dating'. Kusuo has never had such a migraine before, but he supposes if he can't destroy you the business way, he should break you down, starting from the heart. He finds that you're an excellent manipulator though, and soon he's the one stuck in your web.

14. Contacts - Scientist! Reader (Written)

Meet Y/n L/n, world's youngest awarded engineer. You hate Kuusuke, but I mean his brother was Lowkey kinda cute-

You're an engineer, an excellent one that is. You created all sorts of devices to help out psychics since you're one yourself. One of them which Kuusuke stole from you when you were 4-5. Some days you wanted to punch him in the face for that. But ignoring all of that, you finally manage to make it into PK Academy and you're absolutely determined to become friends with Kusuo. He tolerates you, maybe even thinks of you as a best friend, but the only issue is that he refuses to wear those contacts that block out his petrifaction powers. The house erupts into chaos as you try to get Kusuo to wear the lenses.

15. Object - Yandere Au

Saiki has a lot of potential to become a yandere. He’d be able to do it so smoothly too! He’d make sure that your love meter is high, ask you out, sweep you off your feet, all while he kills anyone who would even dare to look your way! He’ll even control the world if he has to! After all, his darling can’t have anything other than perfection right? And of course, you’re the entire thing that the new perfectionist modelled after! No one is ever going to become perfect like you and Saiki will make sure of it. But of course, his pretty little thing isn’t allowed to know about all of this. After all, you’re the only thing that can’t be tainted with sin in his eyes.

16. Names - Fae Au OH GOD I JUST SAW SOMEONE POST ABT SAIKI K AUS AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT MERMAIDS AND MYTHICAL CREATURES EXISTED-

There's one rule when you meet a Fae. You're not allowed to give them your name. Y/n bumps into the fae that's been the talk of the town lately. Ever since said Fae stole away Teruhashi, the townspeople have been terrified of him. Funny enough, Y/n becomes friends with said fae. Saiki wants them to join him in his place but Y/n declines. Funny enough, there's another boy trying to court you. Saiki decides upon one thing, he's going to get your name before that wretched boy gets to your heart.

17. Your Highness (or Pensées D’amour) - Royal au (Written)

Saiki Kusuo is the reputable heir to the Psi Empire. Ever since the eldest of the two ran away to beat him in conquering nations, he had been left the throne. His grandparents had anointed him as the heir to the throne after his parents had mysteriously disappeared. The only issue lies in finding another noble or royal to marry. Princess Teruhashi from the Gardenia Kingdom has a huge crush on him, but Saiki isn’t interested in her. She feels too fake to trust, not to mention her atrocious thoughts. Another issue is that Saiki doesn’t want to marry someone for status, he wants to marry for love, ironic enough.

Y/n is the infamous royal of the Sirius Kingdom. Hotheaded, fiery, competitive and passionate, they’re well loved by all of their people, and hated by all the nobles. Their parents never forced them into any marriage and they spend their day getting to know the commonfolk and taking suggestions from them to their parents (which are always rejected). 

The nobles are planning something against the royal family, and in a desperate turn of events they find themselves promising themselves to Saiki Kusuo of the Psi empire in exchange for help. Kusuo helps them out, and in the end both get their end of the bargain. Kusuo gets himself a person who genuinely loved him, and Y/n gets themselves a willing listener for the commonfolk.

[anagentinwriting]

Lifeline - Part 4

Summary: (First Responders!AU) Moving to Los Angeles and living with your brother, Thor, was never part of your plan nor was being a 9-1-1 dispatcher, but plans change when you are faced with your own emergencies. In your case, it was leaving behind a relationship that wasn’t as perfect as it seemed. Will this be the fresh start you were hoping for or will your past find a way to catch up with you?

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Odinson!Sister Reader

Word Count: 2700+

Warnings: Angst, language, relationship abuse, domestic violence, trauma, mental/physical abuse

Lifeline Masterlist / Main Masterlist

After dropping off cookies at the firehouse, you were ready to tackle another twelve-hour shift. Your morning was off to a good start, and you hoped it would stay that way.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I am at the JCPenney in the Westfield Culver City mall, and this employee is refusing to honor my coupon.”

“Do you really think this is an emergency, ma’am?

“Yes, I want to use my coupon, but this high school dude, who calls himself Brad, says he won’t give me the deal.”

“That’s because it’s expired, ma’am,” Brad stated loud enough for you to hear. 

“Sounds like your coupon is expired. You should probably take this up with the company and not complain to dispatchers, who are trying to save people from life and death situations. Goodbye, and good luck with the coupon.” You hung up the phone, covering your hands over your eyes and shaking your head.

“Bad call?” You looked over at the voice to see Bruce smirking at you.

“More like a ridiculous call about an expired coupon.”

“People can be terrible sometimes.”

“You got that right,” you replied, earning a chuckle from Bruce as he continued to make rounds to the booths.

Bruce was in charge of your call center, having been promoted from a dispatcher, but he still took calls from time to time. He was the one that offered you a job after Thor talked to him, and you were on the other end listening to the entire conversation, similar to when a parent would call and ask someone if they were hiring because you were too scared to do it yourself. During your training, you got to listen to a few calls he took, and it was crazy how calm and reassuring he was in such a high-stress situation. How did he do it? You still have no idea. 

Nearing the end of your shift, you were excited about going home, eating a hot meal, and heading off to bed. Twelve-hour shifts were long and exhausting, but it’s what came with the job. You stretched your hands over your head when an incoming call popped up on one of your computer screens. 

“911, what’s your emergency?” The line remained silent, but you could hear breathing. “Is everything okay? Hello.”

“My--my ex...,” she whispered, mumbling something you couldn’t quite understand.

“Ma’am, I’m going to need you to speak up? Where are you?”

“My--my ex. He’s trying to break into my apartment,” her voice cracked. “He’s not allowed to come around me anymore. I have a restraining order against him.”

You gulped, trying to stay focused and calm. “Can you tell me where you are?”

“1170 Chip Avenue in Torrance. I’m in the Seascape Apartments room 507.”

You contacted a squad unit in the area, and they were in route. “I have units on the way. Everything is going to be fine.”

“How do you know? He wasn’t even supposed to be able to find me,” she cried. “I don’t even know what to do if….” A loud banging noise interrupted her, and she screamed.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay? What’s your name?”

“Krista...Krista Dumont.”

“Krista, my name is YN. Now, I want you to go into your bedroom, lock the door, and find something to barricade it. Then, wait for the police to arrive.”

“Okay,” she sniffled, shuffling around. “Door is locked and….” A loud noise broke out over the line, and Krista’s breathing increased. 

“Krista, what happened?”

“He’s um...Jimbo’s in my apartment. What if--” her voice cracked “--what if he gets into my room, and he...he….”

“Authorities are close.” You glanced at one of the screens, recognizing the squad car number to be Clint and Natasha. “Remain calm for me, okay?”

“I don’t know...he’s gonna….he’s gonna hurt me like before.”

“OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR, KRISTA,” Jimbo shouted, pounding hard on the door. “I just want to talk to you.”

You gulped, letting out a shaky breath. “Don’t listen to him. Keep the door closed, and stay where you are. Help is almost there.”

“GO AWAY, JIMBO,” she yelled, hearing his name crack in her voice.

“FINE, if you don’t want to do this the easy way, I guess I'll have to do it the hard way.” You heard a loud bashing sound and grunts. 

Krista sobbed over the line. “I can’t...I can’t keep doing this.” 

“Don’t give up. Hang in there. Everything will be okay.” You heard sirens over the phone, but you couldn’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. A big crashing sound came over the phone, and you knew he got to her.

“GET AWAY FROM ME,” she pleaded with him as you heard different objects crashing to the floor in all the commotion. The other line became static almost like the call was breaking up, but it cleared up, realizing she must have dropped her phone. 

“COME HERE, YOU DUMB BITCH,” he grunted, and she screamed again, forcing goosebumps to your skin. “You think you can just leave me. Did you not think I would find you? I know you better than you know yourself.”

“Police, drop the weapon and let the young lady go,” Clint stated in his police voice. No one was holding the phone or even knew you were there. You were like a fly on the wall, and all you could do was listen. 

“If you take one more step, I will slice her throat. If I’m going down, she is coming with me.”

“Whoa, whoa, big guy. No need to hurt anyone here.” You paged an ambulance to the scene in case something did happen. “How about we try and come to an understanding?”

“Hell no, she’s mine and will always be.” You could hear Krista crying, and then in one quick moment, you heard a gunshot, glass breaking, and a high pitched scream before the line cut off. You squeezed your eyes shut, taking off your headset, and walking to the nearest exit. This call hit too close to home, and you couldn’t handle it. 

It’s only been three months, but at times, it still feels like you haven’t made any progress. Little details would remind you of him every single day: hearing a certain song, smelling his favorite food, or walking past someone that smelled like him. No matter how much time and effort you put into leaving the past behind, memories of him lurked in the shadows. Everyone tells you everything will get better with time. It was always about time, time to recover, time to forget, and time to start over. No one has ever given you a straight answer about how much time it takes, and there were days you wish they knew.  

You leaned against the brick wall outside your building, trying to slow your racing heart. You took a deep breath hoping it would calm your mind, but it offered little to no reassurance. Scenarios started to play out over and over in your head of what would happen when he finds you. You got out like Krista. You escaped his controlling and abusive behavior, but right now, it felt like it didn't matter.

A hand on your shoulder makes you jump away from it and turn around to find Bruce. “I’m sorry. Are you doing okay, YN?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You waved it off. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, not at all. You're doing a great job, but I'm concerned. You seem almost skittish after that last call,” he observed, furrowing his brows together. “This job can be stressful, and I want you to know we have resources available if you’re having a hard time dealing with the stress. There is no shame in asking for help.”

“I know. It’s not the job per se, well right now it is, but…” you sniffled, taking a seat on the bench right next to the building. 

Bruce stood still, contemplating what to do before sitting down next to you. “Call hit close to home?”

“You don’t know the half of it,” you breathed, wringing your hands together. 

“I'm not sure if you're aware, but Thor told me why you left New York. I didn’t need an explanation when he called asking if I had a job opening, but he blurted it out. It was private information that he didn’t need to share, so I’m sorry about that, but I want you to know I understand.” 

“Thanks, but it’s okay, Bruce.” You nodded at him. “Do you know what happened to her…to Krista?”

“Do you want to know?” Bruce asked, worry etching his features.

“Yes and no.”

Bruce sighed, biting his lip as he thought it over. “During the struggle, Natasha was able to get a shot off and get Jimbo in the neck, but it wasn’t enough, and he ended up pulling her with him out the window. They both hit the ground and were pronounced dead at the scene.” He placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“I tried, right?” You teared up, wiping at your nose. “It’s all a part of the job.”

Bruce wasn’t much of the sentimental type, but you were okay with that. He always seemed unsure of himself, but every time he put on that headset, he became a whole different person. He could be playing Tetrix and tell a person how to give CPR in extreme detail and save a life. He's an amazing dispatcher on the phone, but in person, it was like he didn’t know how to assure someone it would be okay.

“I’ll be okay, Bruce,” you smirked at him.

“I know you will, but why don’t you leave a little early today.” You nodded at him, standing up to leave. “YN, one more thing, you should talk to someone about what you went through. Trust me, it will help you more than you think.”

“I’ll think about it. Thanks, Bruce.” 

_________

You have never been able to confide in someone you barely knew, like a therapist or a support group, so that’s how you ended up at your brother’s firehouse. You sat in your car, waiting for the tears to dry up and your eyes to brighten up.

Thor could always find a way to make you feel better, but unlike Loki, he was one of those people that didn’t believe you at first when you told him about what your husband did to you. It’s not like Thor didn’t confront him about it, but your husband was persuasive and manipulative. To the outside world looking in, we were the perfect couple, and he was a good man that supported his wife. But on the inside, we were anything but perfect. 

Thor defended him when you mentioned it to him again and insisted it must’ve been an accident. After that, you never asked him for anything until you showed up at his apartment three months ago with a busted lip, black eye, and bruised ribs. On the other hand, Loki wanted you out of that relationship right from the start, but like any good girlfriend or wife, I believed him when he said he would change, but he never did. 

You closed your eyes, letting out a deep breath. “Fuck it.” You grabbed your hat from the backseat, slipping it on, and walked through the back door of the firehouse. You heard a booming laugh and right away, knew it belonged to your brother. You made your way up the steps, seeing everyone sitting around the living room, watching Carol and Thor play a racing video game. 

Steve lifted his coffee cup with a smirk on his face that quickly disappeared upon noticing you from the far side of the room. Whether it was the puffiness of your cheeks or your tear-filled eyes, he could tell something was off. He cleared his throat, tapping Thor on the arm.  

“Steve, stop, I’m finally going to beat Ace,” he growled, earning another nudge from Steve. He pressed pause, shooting Steve a harsh glare. “WHAT?” Steve nodded his head to you.

Thor looked over his shoulder, and his expression instantly changed. You gave everyone a small wave, rubbing your lips together while Thor stepped over Carol's legs, rushing over to you and pulling you in for a hug. You squeezed your eyes shut, silently crying into his chest. 

“Shhh...Shhh, it’s okay.” He patted your head. “Let’s talk downstairs.” You nodded, feeling eyes on you. 

Thor rested his arm across the back of your shoulders as you both walked down the stairs together. Once we reached the bottom, he pulled you in for another one of his bear hugs, resting his chin on top of your head. You bit your lip to hold back the tears, but it did nothing to keep them from falling. 

He pulled away, holding you at arm's length, while you wiped away the tear-stained residue from your cheeks with your sleeve. “What happened? Did he find you? Call you again? Threaten you?” His voice was full of concern and hate, but his eyes were filled with worry. 

“No, no. Nothing like that,” you croaked, clearing your throat. “I took a call with a woman, and her ex was--” you paused, shaking your head “--her ex was trying to break into her apartment. I told her everything was going to be okay. I told her to lock herself in her room and wait for the police, but…” your voice drifted off not wanting to remember it.

“I bet you did what you would’ve done. You helped her the best you could.” 

“Yeah, but I didn’t help her. She left him, but he still found her,” you confessed, staring at the ground. “Where...where does that leave me when he finds me? Am I going to end up like...like her? Dead?"

“No,” Thor reassured, making you look up at him. “She doesn’t have a six-foot-three handsome older brother that has no problem kicking his ass. I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise.”

“Promise is a strong word, Thor.” 

“I know. Why do you think I said it,” he smirked, squeezing your shoulder. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I don’t know...I’m confused, and I don’t know if I will ever get over it. Is he going to hold me back forever? Am I ever going to get to move on and be happy?” You rub your forehead, readjusting your hat. “It’s like this one call...this one call allowed everything to rush back to me. All the memories, the pain, the fear. I feel like he’s always going to be looming over my life, and I will never get away from him.” 

“It’s..um...it’s always going to be hard. It’s a day to day progress. I know you hear it all the time, and it sounds redundant, but it’s time. It’s a waiting game, but with time it will get easier, and memories of him will fade as you make new memories. Better memories. Don’t let this moron ruin your future when he already ruined your past.” 

Thor wasn’t always great with words, but sometimes he surprised you. He did have a point, your husband did ruin your past, but maybe it was time to start making a better life for yourself and learn to live without him. 

“Hey, I’m here for you, no matter how long it takes. I’m not going to push you aside like I did before. I was an idiot back then for not believing you.”

“You were,” you smirked, earning a silent chuckle from him. “But, he was manipulative and persuasive, and I already forgave you, Thor, so stop blaming yourself.” He nodded with a closed mouth smile. 

“Have you called Loki?”

“He has a big rehearsal for his show tonight. I didn’t want him worrying about that and me,” you mumbled, not missing the left corner of Thor’s mouth twerk up. It was always a competition with your brothers. Who were you going to confide in first? 

“Do you want to hang out for a bit,” he asked, pointing to the balcony. “Feast on some takeout, play some video games? Then after my shift tonight, we could go do something?”

“Sounds fun,” you nodded. “Is NoobMaster69 at you again?”

“Bastard always is,” he chuckled, making you crack a small smile.

“It’s probably Loki, pulling a fast one on you?”

“I wouldn’t put it past him.” He narrowed his eyes at you. “Wait, do you know something?”

“I know nothing, big guy,” You pressed your lips together, locking it with an invisible key, and tossing it over your shoulder. 

“I will find out sooner or later,” he smirked, putting his arm across your shoulders, and walked back up the stairs together.

_______

AN: Thanks for reading part 4. We finally got to learn a bit more about her past, but does anyone have any idea who her husband might be? The answer may surprise you! Also, did you like the cameos with Krista Dumont and Jimbo from The Punisher and Brad from Spiderman! It was definitely a heavy chapter with the angst and all I can say is expect more of that. Again thanks for reading, comments, likes, and reblogs always welcome! They can be a good motivator! 😉

[youwontlikethisblog]

Betty's New Look

Previously I talked about Armando's rivalry with Nicolas and how that also motivates him to continue the affair with Betty. I've also talked about how Armando displays signs of s. addiction. I felt it was important to break that down to really understand this post in particular.

By understanding what motivates Armando in his quest to have affairs and understand why the man is so obsessed with the beauty standards of women we can now understand his behavior towards Betty.

I mentioned in that post that I have an OC that is portrayed to have s. addiction and how much research I had to make so I could write it correctly. However I didn't mention or explain as much something vital that I see in Armando as well.

Seggs can many times not only be a form of escapism or control but many times for reasons of self-esteem/worth. If the person believes that the only way they can ever feel wanted or loved is by acts of s. than they will often participate in said behavior to feel that way.

With Armando he doesn't only do it to escape the chains of a pre-planned destiny by his parents and fiancé but because he also doesn't really feel loved and he uses these models as a from for him to feel that way or at least wanted,(I mean the only thing he has that keeps his relationship with Marcela together is their seggsual relationship.) he doesn't only do it to feel like he has control over that part of his life.

I mentioned in another post that women enter Armando through the eyes. He is a very physical man. He is superficial when it comes to the women he sleeps with. He grew up in the fashion world where the standard is tall and thin. The beauty of women can only be found in those types.

What does this have to do with Betty's new look?

Though we've established that Armando is attracted to her personality, he isn't of her physical appearance. Does that make him a bad person? No. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes we find someone's personality so much more attractive than their outer appearance but we still dare to date them. Women are often told "you're too pretty for that man" because of this.

Armando isn't a bad person for that and he accepts to a certain degree that he is attracted to her personality but because he is such a superficial and perfectionist with the body of a woman he denies this. He denies any and all attraction to her for this exact reason.

He finds it so hard to understand why he would still be attracted to Betty and why he likes her kisses when he doesn't look at her as a seggsual object like he does to all the women he has had affairs with and that's because unlike those women Betty isn't a seggsual object and that throws him off.

Lets considered the fact that when he repeated what Bertha told him about Nicolas, that he didn't even think of her with a bad thought(one could assume she meant a perversive thought.) as he tells this new piece of information to Mario he said so surprised and when Mario said that it made sense to not think of her in that way he agreed. In an instant he contradicted himself. In his tone he seemed surprised that a man wouldn't think of Betty so much even with a bad thought but that he understood that no one would? To some degree, to some far end distance, Armando does view Betty as a woman but not enough to actively desire her as one like he has in the past with the models.

(I'll talk more about this when we get to the B-Day episodes 😏)

In the past when Marcela got a new look he commented on it. It was the first thing he mentioned as he said she looked great(Betty was a witness to this). However when he see's Betty's new look he doesn't even comment on it. For one because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and two because he doesn't want to lie so she keeps looking like that.

I think, in my very personal and humble opinion, that Betty looks fine. What ruins the fit is her hair but it is very 70's office chic. Like lets be honest if they took off the bangs, did a middle part, defined those curls, and didn't apply that much blush and lined her lips, she'd look so cute. Unibrow and braces with the glasses, Betty would slay. She'd look like a cute dorky person.

She IS very gorgeous to me!

I will fight anyone who disagrees with this and I will set up a time and date for it!

Now that we have established Armando's hesitation to accept Betty's physical appearance and why he doesn't want to comment on it lets begin.

In this episode Betty had just arrived to Eco Moda, her friends went to see her new look in her office as if she were the main attraction at the zoo and when leaving her office Armando over heard their commentary on it, once again being witness to the critique of Betty behind her back as none of them wanted to tell her how awful they thought she looked and they were her supposed close friends.

Marcela then enters his office and they talk about how Patty thought Marcela had caused those bruises on Armando, who tells her that the cuartel thinks the same and they start to flirt and then make out.

Just as they start to Betty exits her office.

Armando's reaction is a pissed off one. We see him roll his eyes and clench his teeth while he has his lips tight, even Marcela comments on it.

"My love you don't have to get so upset."

"No it's just embarrassing for all of us." He says and walks behind his desk and sits.

Betty struggles to speak for a second before grounding herself and saying that she just wanted to excuse herself to go to Marcela's office so she could sign the paper work for the loan they were giving Sofia.

Marcela only stared at her for a bit before she couldn't look at her without bursting into laughter right there and then.

Betty doesn't make eye contact with Armando he however stares at her with a concern look on his face, which is very different than his first reaction to Betty being in the room.

Now he watches Marcela sign the paper, he's got a crease between his brows that are furrowed, his eyes are saddened and his mouth slightly parted but still slightly tense.

This is a look of worry.

Betty excuses herself and Armando watches her leave while Marcela starts to laugh(Natalia really nailed the mean girl laugh).

As Marcela starts to make fun of her Armando asks her not to make fun of her and she tells him that whoever did her hair didn't curl it but stuck her into the electricity socket. Armando stares at her as she says these things with his lips pursed while squinting his eyes at her as she laughs.

He disapproves of what she's saying and it angers him that she is HOWEVER in a very classic manor he doesn't tell her any of this. Unlike the previous night that he literally started to hit the guys who were saying these awful things to her, saying that they had to respect her, here he stays silent. He doesn't even yell at her. Instead he turns around and goes to his computer.

I'm not saying that Armando should have hit Marcela lmbo! That would be bad and inexcusable! What I'm saying is that again we're shown the contrast and contradictions of Armando. While with complete strangers he demands for Betty to be respected and treated well he can't to that with Mario or Marcela. Not only because Marcela would get jealous and throw a fit about him telling her to be respectful but because he'd also give her cuerda(rope) to suspect and continue being controlling and with Mario because Mario would make him miserable if he shared even a fraction of his confusion or talked through his feelings about it all because he's tried it in the past but each time Mario makes a joke about it and he just shuts down. He's a coward to face the people in his life that really matter because he doesn't want to face the consequences of liking a woman like Betty.

The girls asked Betty if anything is wrong and she tells them no. Betty expressed her guilt and how she feels terrible whenever she sees Marcela and how she has walked in on them kissing and Armando making it obvious that he was angry that she interrupted them(It also explains his worried expression in the latter of said scene).

I've noticed many people just lump Betty as the insecure girl because of romance and that's really where her depth ends but Betty is a very complex individual here too(and I really want to make a more detailed post about it!).

She navigates a world that overall treats her poorly only because she's "ugly" but inside Eco Moda she navigates a world that actively prays for her downfall and who humiliate her in front of many only for the reward of laughing at her expense be their personal satisfaction. Yes she's dealt with bullying and people excluding her because they think she's ugly all her life but the cruelty that she faces in Eco Moda goes beyond and above.

These people are supposed to all be people of class, people she views as superior to her in all aspects. It isn't just humiliation that she faces for her physical appearance but she faces an over all humiliation for simply being a human existing and even then, even as she feels so terrible of herself, as she hates the way that they humiliate her, she still thinks of them superior to her and their opinion matters to her and because of this, despite their disgusting behavior, Betty still has some respect for them on the professional side. She still respects their authority inside Eco Moda and their vitality to the well being of the company.

Betty is such a sweet person at this stage of the novela that she still respect these people but it's so hurtful to see because she also does this because she thinks she deserves this.

Trauma affects a person in more than one way. Her life experience has been painful, isolated, grim, cruel, and lonely; add the traumatic relationship she had with Miguel to this, Betty doesn't have a self-esteem. She doesn't have a sense of self-worth. Betty, in such a terrible an awful way, believes that she isn't deserving of respect for simply existing, much less of voicing how it makes her feel when they treat her the way they do.

She doesn't understand why her father takes so much care of her. She doesn't understand why anyone would ever be nice to her. She's shy, timid, reserved, afraid. This is exactly why she was so impacted by Armando's behavior towards her. It wasn't just because she has no self-esteem. It's that someone treated her as a human being worthy of respect for simply doing her job and existing.

In the following scene, which is a parallel of a scene I previously talked about(post You Betrayed Me!) Armando's behavior is vastly different.

While in the past when he heard them making these crude jokes at the expense of her[Betty] boyfriend Armando seemed scared, angry, worried, and humiliated to a certain degree but this time his demeanor is different. This time he squints his eyes at Patty. He looks at Marcela with disapproval without hiding it. He visibly looks pissed.

"Did you see her clothes? No one would undress her with that!" Patty and Marcela laugh.

"Who would want to undress her?" Marcela says and they cackle, seriously, they cackle a lot. "I think Beatriz goes to the gyno and he tells her not to get undressed, that he'll examine her over her clothes."

"Obviously! She'd tell him "Doctor could I get undressed?" she mocks Betty's voice. " and the Doctor would tell her "No please, please! Don't do it! I beg of you!" she clasp her hands in front of her, pretending to be the Doctor begging. Armando had passed by her, squinting his eyes and now he's behind Marcela, far away, still hearing their conversation staring at them in disbelief and anger.

"Could you imagine what it must be with the boyfriend?" Patty says while Marcela laughs.

"No! See, she's so ugly that he doesn't kiss her, he hits her." they laugh. Armando stares at Marcela with disdain.

"Again with the jokes against Betty?" Marcela turns to him laughing.

"No. No they're not about Betty. They're about Betty's boyfriend." this time, unlike before, he doesn't change his emotions. He squints his eyes at Marcela once more. "and what he has to face tonight once he sees her." She covers her face laughing.

"Maybe he already saw her." to Marcela this line holds no meaning but to the audience it does and it isn't only for comical effects. Armando is now saying that her[Betty] boyfriend already saw her i.e. him. He is now out loud in his own way confronting the fact that he is her boyfriend to himself, while before he wasn't even able to say it to Betty or himself this time he's confronting himself about it.

Betty walks past Armando and he watches her as she walks towards Marcela and Patty who are still laughing, she bumps into Hugo who laughs at her, and they don't hold back at making it obvious that they are laughing at her and making jokes behind her back.

"Who is that creep?" Hugo voices loudly. Armando turns to glare at him. "Betty's cousin?"

"No Hugito that's the very same Betty but like a new version." Patty says.

"She went with the enemy so they could dress her and style her hair." Marcela says.

"What hairdresser? Because he didn't do highlights, he did lightning bolts." Hugo jokes.

The model and the rest laugh while Armando visibly controls his anger, but doesn't hide it or pretend to be unbothered as he shakes his head at Marcela and Patty and marches away from them.

Compare this to his previous reaction, while Marcela knew that Armando didn't like that she was making fun of Betty the other time he didn't actually voice his disapproval, he even laughed at one of the jokes that Patty made until he heard Marcela call him[Nic] a Multi-Millionaire. This time he finds no humor, he doesn't even feel offended that their making fun of Betty's boyfriend or hurt, he feels furious that they are.

However in the following scene all of that good behavior is squashed like a bug. He sits with Calderon talking bad about Betty's new look.

While Calderon tries to make him be a good boyfriend Armando scoffs and questions "praise her new look?"

"You haven't praised her new look?" Calderon whispers alarmed. "What are you? A beast? An animal? An ignorant!" he hisses. "Look there's nothing worse, nothing that humiliates a woman more, that tramples her ego, that ends her love for a man than you not praising her new look."

"What? Do I give her four hallelujahs for the hairdo? What?"

"No but Betty isn't the only woman that goes through that, my god. Almost all women are a disaster when they change their look but you still praise her new look! It's that simple." Armando sighs. "Look when a woman changes her look she changes it for A: her husband. B: the lover. In this case we have one true god." Armando purses his lips and rolls his eyes. "So then my dear god, praise the new look."

"She won't believe me. She won't believe me. The entire world has made fun of her for it. She'll think I feel pity for her, consoling her, or or worse that I'm making fun of her like the rest.

"Then the time for you to demonstrate to her that you're really serious[about this], that your love goes beyond the physical(goes on to list all of her physical flaws)" Armando looks pained to be the poor fool to have to "Accept" this. "well the list is long but if I were you I'd make love to her just as she is." Armando slowly, repeatedly blinking, turns to look at Mario. "well it's the only way for you to show her that you love her, that you desire her."

"Be very careful, Calderon, because with the simple fact that I already kiss her, with that fact alone, I'm paying in life what I should be paying in death." He whispers. "And besides I'mma tell something for me... to do that to her, never. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps." He stands up.

"Well you better start to prepare yourself. Where do you have Adrianita's picture?"

Yes I've talked about how women enter Armando through the eyes but that doesn't justify his behavior, it merely explains it. The objectification he has on women as seggsual beings clouds his judgement and blinds him to see past that. While he doesn't like that people make fun of Betty, he does worse. He doesn't make fun of her, he verbally humiliates her by the mere fact that he compares kissing her to a punishment, that he finds her affection to be a torment only for the fact that she's "ugly".

Armando continuedly flip flops from caring about Betty and her best interest to only caring about his. We're barely starting to see him take notice of Betty's interest but he still focuses mostly on what he wants and what he feels comfortable with. He doesn't once wonder if Betty does.

He finds her kisses a punishment because she isn't pretty. He finds her affection a torment because she isn't pretty. If she had the body and face of AA and the personality of Betty mans would proclaim it to the four winds and the seven seas. He would dump Marcela on the spot for her.

People are allowed to have types, we all have them. When do we draw the line between types and actively dehumanizing a certain group of people? When it no longer is based on preference but hatred and fear of said group.

Armando to this point hates that Betty isn't society's beauty standard. He hates that she isn't his idea of woman perfection but he lives tormented by the fact that he still cares about her. That he doesn't like it when people treat her poorly or make fun of her. That he hates it when they dehumanize her, (except he's a hypocrite because he does the exact same thing and he allows his best friend to do that exact thing.) and that he secretly enjoys her kisses and her affection. He hates all of this which is what truthfully makes him a miserable piece of ish.

These episode however are meant to help Armando accept Betty's physical appearance to a certain degree(lol I'm saying that a lot). He is forced to accept that he can't control the way a woman looks and that he can't change it either(I'll talk about this in the next post) Here he is faced with Betty's new look and he's forced to think about her feelings first than his own. He's confronted within himself that he is Betty's boyfriend. He is forced to find a way to tell her that her new look isn't it without tearing her confidence to shreds.

In other words Armando is forced to accept that Betty isn't a seggsual object but just because of that it doesn't mean she should get treated horribly. That the respect she deserves isn't only because of how good she is at her job but because she's a human, a person with feelings and with struggles of her own and that he doesn't like it that people don't see that.

But it foreshadows as well that he also has to accept Betty's physical appearance as it is and be okay with the attraction he has towards her, or at least prepare himself to accept that attraction.

Now as Armando and Calderon talk about how hot AA is Betty interrupts and leaves the office but overhears Armando call AA a mamasita and say that if she ever showed up that he'd throw everything away and marry her on the spot.

She seems annoyed by that as she shakes her head and walks away from the double doors.

Obviously our girl is hurt because not once has Armando mentioned her new look, not once has he made the effort to say anything about her physical appearance but there he is talking about how he'd end all his relationships without care of consequence if AA showed up and he'd marry her for the simple fact that she's hot.

Men really only have the audacity!

Here Betty is trying to escape her comfort zone(though she didn't get far from it) for the sake of Armando's ego. She's willing to face humiliation and ridicule if Armando likes her new look, even if she feels uncomfortable and knows how people are insulting her behind her back, and he hasn't said a single thing, instead he comments about how hot AA is.

I do want to note that Armando is behaving more like a boyfriend now. While in the past whenever the subject of his crushes or infatuation on Models was brought up he didn't reserve himself to express how hot they were or how he wanted to look presentable for them except now he pretends to show no interest in them when she's in the room. Better yet he pretends to be offended that(when the two models went to ask for their paycheck and tickled him) they'd flirt with him or try to play with him. Except this time he pretends like he isn't even aware of how hot she is and only is interested in her in a professional matter but as soon as she leaves the office she over hears how he truthfully feels.

She knows him well and because of this it does hurt her.

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 9

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite

Curious question: why do you think the creature Benedict owed a debt to chose Jesse over Thomas?

‘Why is Mario Kart so difficult?’ Cordelia groaned.

‘It’s not difficult, you just need to play more often,’ Lucie said.

Alastair and Cordelia hadn’t really grown up playing video games, and Lucie had discovered both sucked at playing Mario Kart. Lucie was typically more of a Legend of Zelda fan, but they couldn’t play that together, so she’d suggested Mario Kart instead.

They spent most of their time in and around the house, taking the occasional walk. Lucie hadn’t seen Jesse again, despite searching for him, nor had they gotten any closer to discovering what was going on. They’d visited the ruins of a castle nearby one day, but it hadn’t worked as a distraction. Steve’s body had been found and the lake was open for swimming again, but Lucie wasn’t sure she wanted to. What had happened to the child could easily happen to them.

‘I don’t think I’ll ever get good at this,’ Cordelia said as she drove her kart of the track again.

If anything, Lucie was glad to be able to spend more time with Cordelia, even under such circumstances. Lucie still had no plan on how to tell Cordelia how she really felt, but then neither did Thomas have one for Alastair despite their daily walks and obvious affection on Alastair’s side. Alastair was mostly with the Lightwoods, trying to get into Gideon’s memory and find out what Benedict really had been up to.

‘This is nothing. James and I used to play Mario Kart on the wii and I think that version of Rainbow Road is the most difficult track they ever made.’

‘I don’t think I want to know,’ Cordelia announced.

Cordelia checked her phone once they’d finished the race and scrolled through several messages.

‘Alastair said they haven’t figured out yet what creature Benedict made a deal with, but Thomas went into the village to the grocery store and there he saw his aunt Tatiana,’ Cordelia said.

Lucie checked her phone for any additional messages, but she’d received the same messages. Thomas apparently had made a Whatsapp group titled ‘Making sure I don’t die’ where they were writing out all the information they had. He’d made a secondary group called ‘spam’ without their parents in there where they could talk about things that weren’t essential or make plans, to keep the other group clean. Lucie guessed that made sense. Cordelia changed the name of the first group to “Essential information to save Thomas”.

‘That’s a better name,’ Lucie commented out loud.

‘Exactly,’ Cordelia said. ‘Now we have one place we dump all useful information and can easily find everything, with a fitting name.’

‘I wonder why Tatiana would be here,’ Lucie said. ‘Thomas seeing her and Jesse appearing after years, that can’t be a coincidence. Perhaps Jesse is wherever she’s staying, perhaps there I could talk to him.’

‘Would she let you in though?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Probably not,’ Lucie said, but she had an idea. ‘We could break in.’

‘We don’t even know where she’s staying,’ Cordelia pointed out. ‘That is a terrible idea.’

‘Uncle Gideon is looking into where she’s staying right now,’ Lucie said. ‘Perhaps if he finds out where she is, we can go take a look. In the meantime though…’

‘Please no more Mario Kart,’ Cordelia begged.

Lucie ended up introducing Cordelia to Legend of Zelda after all, opting to watch her play through the beginning of Breath of the Wild. It was clear Cordelia wasn’t used to gaming at all, but she did seem to enjoy it, even if she fell off several cliffs and died a few times because she didn’t remember in time which button was for attacking.

Lucie regularly checked her phone, until Thomas texted her his father had returned, and had found Tatiana. Apparently she was staying at a hotel, but had gotten very angry when she’d seen her brother. Lucie wondered if she knew they were all staying here. It seemed too much of a coincidence.

She googled the hotel Thomas had named and realized she’d seen it on the drive here. There was a restaurant downstairs, and Lucie figured that might be a way in. They had several vegan options too. If she and Cordelia had dinner there, they might be able to sneak inside the hotel itself. Getting inside a room without making too much noise could prove challenging though. Although Cordelia carried cortana and that sword was said to be able to cut through anything. Perhaps she could cut into a lock. That’d be suspicious when Tatiana found out, but she didn’t know about cortana, did she?

‘I have a plan,’ Lucie announced. ‘We’re going to have dinner at the restaurant of the hotel Tatiana is staying.’

‘Do you think Jesse will show up in the middle of a restaurant?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Not really,’ Lucie said. ‘But from there we can sneak into the hotel, and break into Tatiana’s room.’

Cordelia frowned. ‘And if we get caught? We could get in serious trouble.’

Lucie had to admit Cordelia had a point. Neither of them were skilled at breaking in.

‘If we’re only in the corridor, we could always say we got lost,’ Lucie speculated.

‘I’m not so sure they would believe me,’ Cordelia said. ‘Although if you go without me, perhaps you could claim you were looking for a bathroom. Still, going there without actually breaking in anywhere might be a good idea to get a sense of the place, see if anything unusual is going on simply because Tatiana’s there.’

Lucie understood why Cordelia wasn’t willing to take such risks, they were a lot less likely to believe she’d simply gotten lost as a woman of color. She had to admit, her plan was a bit reckless, so perhaps it was a good thing Cordelia was here to talk some sense into her. Still, Lucie was determined to find a way to speak to Jesse. Who knew, maybe he would show up at the restaurant if his mother was there. Or perhaps not, perhaps he haunted the woods instead. Ghosts were nothing if not inconsistent.

‘Good point,’ Lucie said. ‘I don’t think my mother would be very happy if we broke in either.’

‘Alastair would murder us,’ Cordelia added.

‘Good thing he’s with Thomas,’ Lucie said, and she texted to Thomas that he should invite Alastair over for dinner. Lucie wasn’t so sure he would without some encouragement even if he very much wanted Alastair to stay.

Lucie wondered if Thomas was making any progress with him, perhaps that was difficult considering the circumstances. On the other hand, if Lucie had learnt anything from her favorite books was that a crisis was the perfect time to find love. What could possibly be more romantic than Alastair saving Thomas’ life? Lucie thought for a moment and then texted Thomas again.

Lucie: Have you kissed him yet?

Thomas: No, of course not. I don’t even know if he likes me!!!

Lucie: You could ask.

Lucie knew she was being hypocritical, she hadn’t yet told Cordelia how she felt about her. However, Thomas’ chances with Alastair were much better than her chances with Cordelia. Alastair was openly gay and Lucie had caught him staring at Thomas with both affection and desire.

Thomas: How am I supposed to do that???

Thomas: I did invite him over for dinner though. He accepted and my parents are very happy that he did.

Lucie: Time to make your move (;

‘Alastair is staying with Thomas for dinner,’ Lucie said.

‘I’m glad they’re spending time together,’ Cordelia said. ‘Alastair has so few friends. For most of his life he only knew how to antagonize people or push them away.’

‘Yes, he and Thomas seem to like each other,’ Lucie said. ‘Alastair broke up with his boyfriend not so long ago, right?’

‘He did, but maybe don’t mention that in his presence,’ Cordelia said. ‘It was a very bad and unhealthy relationship and Alastair is still struggling with coming to terms with that. He doesn’t often want to talk about it, and only on his terms.’

Lucie imagined that might make it more difficult for him and Thomas. In her favorite books, a good relationship usually fixed any trauma from a previous bad one, but she knew that in real life that wasn’t the case. Of course, in books it wasn’t uncommon for the new “better” relationship to still be pretty toxic, with the main difference that it was unintentional on the author’s part and therefore never acknowledged.

Lucie herself had made such mistakes in her own stories before, writing relationships she later realized were very toxic. In her early teens people would always tell her boys were mean to her because they liked her and she’d believed that until she’d discussed that with her mother, who disagreed.

‘I’m sorry that happened to him,’ Lucie said.

‘Yes, me too,’ Cordelia said. ‘Wait, do you think Alastair likes Thomas? Is that why you keep trying to get them to spend time together?’

‘At least I think they would be good friends, since they have such similar interests,’ Lucie said. ‘But it’s definitely possible Alastair likes Thomas. I wouldn’t blame him, Thomas is a sweet guy and has nice shoulders. Legendary shoulders, in fact.’

Cordelia started laughing. ‘Legendary shoulders.’

‘Precisely. As a lesbian, I can be very objective when it comes to men’s shoulders.’

Cordelia frowned, but Lucie insisted that made perfect sense. Since she didn’t feel attracted to men or fall in love with them, she had a very objective view and didn’t play favorites with the ones she did like.

‘A year ago I might have favored James,’ Cordelia mused. ‘I don’t think we were well suited though.’

Lucie loved her brother, and they’d always gotten along well, but James could be an idiot. She understood James didn’t like Alastair considering their history, but he simply didn’t understand that he should not bring Cordelia, who loved her brother and worried for him, into their history and that he shouldn’t say bad things about him in Cordelia’s presence. Perhaps Cordelia and James might have worked out better if their complicated feelings towards Alastair weren’t in the way. Alastair was Cordelia’s brother and James should have respected that.

‘Perhaps not,’ Lucie said. ‘I’m glad you can still be around each other though, and aren’t ready to murder each other at any given time like some exes. That would have been awkward.’

‘He apologized, a few months after we broke up. A bit late, but I think all your advice finally got through,’ Cordelia said. ‘I don’t resent him, and I understand why he doesn’t like Alastair, but next time I date anyone it will be someone who at least can be polite to brother.’

Lucie was fairly certain she could meet that criteria. She understood that Alastair hadn’t always been the best, but he had rescued her from bullies several times when he’d gone to school with her. If it was out of guilt towards James, or loyalty to Cordelia, Lucie wasn’t sure but she was grateful to him either way.

‘You have anyone in mind?’ Lucie asked, hoping there wasn’t anyone.

‘Not right now. James’ friend Matthew asked me out not so long ago, but I don’t think I like him that way. Besides, that would have guaranteed the same drama with Alastair, and now that I know what my brother has been through it’s hurtful to hear people say bad things about him. With James, I often let it slide because I often just didn’t want to argue or was scared he wouldn’t like me anymore, but he took that as me agreeing with him and giving him permission to complain as much as he liked.’

Lucie asked her father about her and Lucie having dinner in the village, claiming that way he and her mother could have some romantic alone time. That argument usually worked well on her father, along with Lucie promising she could pay for the meal herself, which her father claimed wasn’t necessary, he’d give her some money.

Her father even offered to drive her. It was a bit of a walk to the village but it was doable and the restaurant was on the side of the town where they’d enter, so Lucie decided she didn’t want to trouble her father.

Lucie changed into a longer red dress with a cardigan tied around her waist so she could put it on when it became too cold for short sleeves, and then she and Cordelia left, walking to the village.

They both kept their eyes open as they walked, although if there was something out there, without Thomas they wouldn’t be guaranteed to see it. Still, their chances of seeing something were better than those of the average mortal. There were no ghosts or other strange creatures to be seen though.

The restaurant wasn’t too busy, which was good because Lucie never did well in loud, busy places. They found a nice table in the corner from which Lucie could keep her eye on everything. Tatiana wasn’t in the restaurant. Would she recognize Lucie after all these years? She’d grown quite a bit and cut her hair after all.

Lucie ordered the vegan burger and Cordelia a curry. Eating vegan in Scotland was surprisingly easy nowadays, and many restaurants offered at least one vegan option. Lucie always made sure to check beforehand though. She knew at some places it was possible to ask for something vegan, but she didn’t want to go through that kind of trouble and risk having waiters not understand what she could and couldn’t eat.

They had almost finished their food by the time they saw Tatiana, Cordelia stealing the occasional chip from her plate. She came down from the stairs, glancing around. She didn’t seem to notice Lucie though. She was wearing a gray hat that resembled a witch hat, except less tall, and decorated with feathers in several colors. There was a girl behind her who matched the description Thomas had given. Around sixteen, very pretty in an unearthly way. Her hair was pale silvery blonde, Lucie didn’t think she’d ever seen anyone with hair naturally that color.

She trailed after Tatiana, a helpless look on her face. Lucie wondered if she wanted to be here, and who she was. Thomas had said they couldn’t make sense of her and weren’t sure if she was mortal or not. Lucie didn’t know either.

There was someone else trailing behind Tatiana though. Jesse was there, but he was leaving, following Tatiana. Lucie put the last bite of food into her mouth and quickly handed Cordelia the money her father had given her.

‘What are you doing?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Jesse is there,’ she said. ‘I’m going after him. Can you pay the bill with this? It should be plenty.’

Cordelia didn’t have time to protest as Lucie slipped out and went after Tatiana, making sure to keep a decent distance. Tatiana didn’t look around much, and Lucie didn’t think she’d been stopped. She tried to get Jesse’s attention, but he wasn’t looking back either. Tatiana left the village, following a path that led into the woods. Lucie didn’t want to follow her all the way along, not knowing where she’d end up, but she needed to speak with Jesse.

She quickly checked her phone, Cordelia had texted. She’d paid the bill and was outside, where was she? Lucie texted her live location and returned her attention to Tatiana, who kept a steady pace. The blonde girl did look back, and when her eyes went wide Lucie realized she’d been spotted. She ducked behind the tree, keeping her eyes on what happened in front, but the girl didn’t say anything and Tatiana didn’t turn around to confront her. If only Jesse would spot her and come talk.

Lucie continued following them, hoping Jesse would spot her. The blonde girl saw her once more, and gestured quickly, a worried look on her face. Lucie interpreted it as go away, you’re getting yourself in trouble. She knew what she was doing was dangerous, but with Thomas’ life possibly on the line, Lucie was going to take some risks. At least following someone into the woods wasn’t illegal. She wondered why the blonde girl was helping her. Lucie didn’t think she wanted to help Tatiana.

And why was Jesse following his mother? Could she see him, or was he trying to get her attention? When the blonde girl gestured to her a second time, Jesse finally noticed her. He glanced around at his mother and then made his way to her at top speed.

‘Lucie, what are you doing?’ he hissed.

‘Finally,’ she said. ‘I’ve been trying to get your attention. I need to talk to you.’

‘I need you to get out of the woods,’ Jesse said. ‘It’s dangerous here, alright?’

‘What is your mother up to? Who is that girl?’

‘Her name is Grace, that’s all I know. I think my mother might be blackmailing her somehow, I don’t think she wants to be here.’

‘Where have you been all these years?’ Lucie asked. ‘I never saw you before. I thought you’d moved on to the afterlife.’

‘I don’t know,’ Jesse said. ‘I don’t remember anything between dying and a few days ago. And I disappear all the time and have no idea where I go. I wanted to talk to you in the woods, I’d finally made my way from the hotel, but then I disappeared.’

That wasn’t something Lucie had ever encountered before. ‘What is your mother doing?’

‘I think she’s trying to reverse what happened,’ Jesse said. ‘She doesn’t tell me her plans, but I think it’s all about me. She often goes into the woods to speak with something, but I can’t come along.’

‘And she can see you?’

‘Yes,’ Jesse said. ‘Grace can too. Other people can’t see me. None except you. Is it because we knew each other when I was alive?’

‘I’ve always seen ghosts,’ Lucie said. ‘When you died, I searched for you everywhere and when I didn’t find you, I believed you’d moved on. I’ve never heard of ghosts returning from where they went after death. Or ghosts randomly disappearing and not remembering.’

‘I don’t understand it either,’ Jesse said. ‘I don’t know what’s happening to me. All I know is I am dead and I can’t be sure for how long. You’ve grown so much, Lucie.’

Lucie frowned. ‘Do you remember dying?’

‘I remember the woods. I remember something stalking me, but I could only catch glimpses of something. I’d never been so scared in my life and I thought I needed to get home as fast as I could. But no matter what path I took, I ended up where I started. The creature stalking me never quite caught up. I spent days in the woods, looking for a way out, until I died of exhaustion.’

‘People searched. Did you not see them, or hear them?’

‘There was no one,’ Jesse said. ‘I screamed and screamed for someone to help me, but no one came, and then everything was gone.’

‘Jesse!’ called a strict female voice. Tatiana. ‘Jesse, come along now! You must not stray in these woods. Even for you it can be dangerous.’

‘I must go,’ Jesse whispered. ‘Do not follow me.’

Lucie nodded, and returned, following the path back until she was at the edge of the woods. She didn’t see Cordelia and checked her phone, where she found several missed calls and missed messages from her friend.

Lucie called back, and Cordelia immediately picked up. ‘Lucie, where are you!’ Cordelia yelled. ‘Never do that to me again.’

‘Didn’t you get my location?’ Lucie asked.

‘Stupid thing didn’t work, you kept jumping all over town and whenever I caught up you weren’t there. What have you been up to, you have been gone for an hour!’

‘No, that’s impossible,’ Lucie said. ‘It was ten, fifteen minutes max.’

‘I don’t know how you sense of time is, but it’s been an hour,’ Cordelia insisted. ‘Where are you now?’

‘At the edge of the forest. I’ll return to the restaurant, might be easier to find.’

‘Alright, I’ll see you there,’ Cordelia said. ‘Bye.’

Cordelia hung up and Lucie returned to the restaurant, where Cordelia was waiting.

‘I knew you were reckless, Lu,’ Cordelia said. ‘But please never do this again.’

‘It hasn’t been an hour,’ Lucie insisted. ‘It can’t have been.’

‘Check the time,’ Cordelia said. ‘You texted me your location shortly after you left, which was an hour ago.’

Lucie checked the time stamp on Cordelia’s texts and realized she was right.

‘But how?’ she asked. ‘I wasn’t gone for that long.’

‘Did you at least speak to Jesse?’ Cordelia asked.

‘For a little while. It was all very odd. Jesse had disappeared until recently, he doesn’t remember where he’s been and at times he still disappears. He thinks his mother is trying to reverse what happened, he’s not sure exactly but she’s up to dangerous things. She can see him, and that girl too. Jesse said her name was Grace, but he doesn’t know what she is. He thinks Tatiana is blackmailing her somehow.’ Lucie paused, her father was calling her.

‘It’s getting late, Lulu, are you and Cordelia still at the restaurant?’ he asked when she picked up.

‘No, we left, but we’re still in the village,’ Lucie said. ‘It’s a bit of a long story, I’ll explain when we get home.’

‘I’ll come pick you up,’ her father said. ‘It’s getting late. You can explain in the car.’

If he was upset, she didn’t hear it. Lucie had always been told she got her recklessness from her father, and it was usually her mother who got upset with her when she did something like this.

‘We’re still near the restaurant,’ Lucie said and she hung up. ‘My father is coming to pick us up.’

‘Is he mad?’ Cordelia asked.

Lucie shook her head. ‘My father never really gets mad with me.’

Cordelia tilted her head. ‘Mine doesn’t either, at least not with me. My mother is the one with a temper, usually. And Alastair. But I guess my father just wasn’t really there.’

Lucie imagined it had to be difficult to discover such a terrible secret about your father after loving him for so long, after not seeing there was something not right at home.

‘If I’d done what you just did and told my mother, she would murder me for sure,’ Cordelia said, with a small smile. ‘Being a strict parent isn’t really effective though, Alastair and I just learnt to lie well. But I know she means well.’

‘Then you won’t mind not mentioning I’d followed Tatiana on my own?’ Lucie asked. ‘Instead, we went into the woods together, I spoke with Jesse, and when we returned suddenly an hour had passed.’

‘Sure,’ Cordelia said. ‘Honestly, I think your father believes anything I say.’

‘He does have a weakness for the Carstairs family,’ Lucie said.

Her father’s best friend was Jem Carstairs, Cordelia’s cousin. Her father had decided that by association, Cordelia and Alastair had to be just as amazing as Jem was. Lucie guessed that weak spot for the Carstairs had its downsides as well. Her father had idolized Elias as well as the other Carstairs, and learning of his addiction and abuse of his children had been quite a shock for him. Lucie suspected her father felt guilty for not seeing it sooner, for not doing anything to help.

When her father arrived, Lucie and Cordelia quickly got into the car, and Cordelia recounted the story of them going for a short walk following Jesse when suddenly an hour had passed and Lucie added in what Jesse had told her.

‘I knew Tatiana was up to something,’ Will said. ‘Reversing what happened, does that refer to Jesse’s death?’

Lucie guessed it would make sense for a mother to want to bring her child back. She had done something already, to bring him from something he didn’t remember back into this world.

‘So if she were to bring back Jesse,’ Cordelia said. ‘Would that mean Thomas dies in exchange for his life?’

Will looked grim. ‘If Benedict owed someone the soul of a grandchild and that creature took Jesse, I’m guessing Tatiana might attempt to exchange Thomas for Jesse. But it’ll probably cost more than just Thomas.’

[anarmorofwords]

I kinda wanna write a better version of tlh where Tatiana is still insane but there's no Belial bc that makes zero sense to me

In this version there would be:

Kamanna done correctly with actual genderqueer rep and not toxic relationships

Barbra and Oliver bc fight me she didn't die

Genie and Filomena bc I love them and all the lightwoods are queer

The gracelet doesn't even happen bc I refuse to write that

Grace is pretty much still the same but she breaks off their(hers and james') relationship bc she notices that he loves Cordelia

No bad James. He's not a shitty person to Alastair, and he doesn't treat Cordelia like a sex object

Anna puts a stop to Kellington and Matthew's relationship before it gets serious. She also tries to get him to stop drinking all the time

Alastair apologizes around seeing them again for the first time. The merry thieves are a little reluctant because of some of the things he did but they don't actively try to keep him away from events that they're at

Matthew notices how Alastair looks at Thomas and locks them in the sanctuary with Genie and Cordelia's help

Grace gets badly injured due to a mistake in necromancy and Christopher helps her treat it without letting people know

Lucie meets Jesse, and falls in love ofc, so in order to bring him back successfully she asks Malcolm to train her in using her magic

Matthew opens up to his mom about the incident. She doesn't blame him at all and instead apologizes for often putting her work before him

Matthew finds out about Charles and Alastair because he found Alastairxs break up letter to Charles

Matthew, the mother hen he is, decided to attempt to murder his older brother, only being stopped by James who had been there at the right time

Kamala ends things with Charles and tells Anna that she still loves them and hopes that she will give her another chance

Anna told her that they needed time to think, and that she is worried how Kamala's reputation will be affected if anyone besides their friends and Anna's family finds out

Kamala respects her decision and doesn't contact her until Anna's ready to talk about things

The merry thieves don't ignore Christopher and they actively listen and help him

The merry thieves also aren't terrible to Grace bc they realize she's been isolated alone with Tatiana and 1) she might not understand what's saying/doing is wrong or 2) that sometimes she's trying to push them away so her abilities don't accidentally make them do something

Good tid parents

James and Alastair being respectful to each other despite personal differences

Matthew, Alastair, Kamala, Christopher, and Grace being besties, or as I call them, the neglected squad

No fetishizing mlm/wlw

Domestic cuddles and taking care of the other one when they're sick

Jesse/Lucie/Matthew pairing bc I love them and I refuse to pick between lucie/matthew and lucie/jesse

Christopher teaching Grace the elements(at the time) on the periodic table

Tatiana dies at the end yay

It's very unpolished and I'm open to b hearing any feedback and/or suggestions that anyone may have

The idea came to me and I decided it would be best if I told someone before I forgot

hi, I'm sorry it took so long,but I wanted to properly answer this and I keep having either internet connection issues or little time

DON'T BE SHY, WRITE THIS 👀

In all seriousness tho... THIS IS ABSOLUTE PERFECTION?!? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START I AM UTTERLY IN LOVE WITH THIS IDEA, I NEED IT

Look, I've been on the verge of rewriting ChoI, and I keep saying I want someone to write a TLH that will live up to its potential, but I've never actually came up with a proper idea for it, and you?!! YOUR BRAIN DARLING THIS IS GENIUS

ok hold up I'll just react to each and every single one so

yes please?!? I mean it started off so sweet in EEV?! Also actually genderqueer Anna and not dancing around the subject like CC is doing now?! That's what they deserve, and that's what we all deserve too

yesss please. also just,,,, Barbara, the feminine, not-wanting-to-fight-which-doesnt-make-her-less-badass queen that she is, getting the page space and appreciation she deserves

that's actually brilliant?!? it would be so great, just imagine the new girl arrives for her travel year and Genie is completely awestruck. I'm so invested in Joshwood it's difficult to imagine not having them, but this is actually the only valid alternative?!

ok that's fine. I think it could still happen and be done well, but tbh for now... the gracelet doesn't seem to have done anything relevant to the plot itself? I mean yeah it messed up James's life and Jordelia, but what did it give Belial? Tatiana? nothing. It makes no sense atm.

could be! maybe she's still encouraged by Tatiana to befriend/seduce him, but without the gracelet it doesn't work out? or maybe James somehow manages to realize that she's in danger and he actually like,,,, kidnaps her? idk idk

yes. YES. just,,,,z James is a sweet compassionate literature nerd who accidentally makes a good leader and he actually cares about people, and not just judges them from his high horse; he does still have hero syndrome, but he's kind and respectful and overall a good character

ANNA INTERVENES ABOUT KELLINGTON PLZ. PEOPLE ACTUALLY NOTICE MATTHEW'S STRUGGLES. JAMES DOES, TOO, BECAUSE THERE'S NO GRACELET.

ok yes, so what about: basically TMT don't harass Alastair and accept his apology, and realize they were also being stupid and mean at times at the Academy (especially Math). Matthew doesn't want to accept Alastair's apology, because of The Sin, but his behaviour alerts the rest of TMT and they inquire what's wrong and he tells them about the sin and that's how he later tells his parents (because his friends encourage him) and as you say, she just hugs him and reassures him it's not his fault; so after that Matthew slowly begins to heal and accepts it wasn't Alastair's fault, and also since they've kind of adopted/started including Alastair in things, he can't help but notice he's actually changed and he even starts to grow fond of him

then like you said, Matthew notices Thomas likes Alastair PLEASE HE SO WOULD. I'm not sure about the Sanctuary, if it actually happens (I'll get to why later on), but him and Lucie get really invested in the matchmaking schemes, they include Genie/Kamala because these two are friends with Alastair (both? Or at this point only Kamala?) but they also share some Moments during their scheming/talking about love 👀 (yes I'm a Fairdale shipper, I think it's time to expose myself lol)

Which leads me to (sorry I'm going off order rn) YES YES YES LUCIE AND MATH PLEASE. A FELLOW SHIPPER, HELLO, NICE TO MEET YOU. But since we're actually fixing him then we can give Jesse a personality and I'm totally down for poly Math/Lucie/Jesse

Lucie seeking Malcolm's help in secret, morally gray heroine style?!? no, it's probably not legal. but also has there ever been a Shadowhunter like her? If the Law doesn't expect such situations, it can't really forbid them...

Plz Matthew ready to strangle the carrot when he learns about their relationship, YES. sure, maybe he's still not the biggest fan of Alastair, but he's seen how much the boy's been through and starts to develop an attachment to him, and besides, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE GROOMED AND TREATED LIKE THAT. He's SO MAD at Charles, and he confronts him about it - remembering Kellington as he does, and it makes him sick to think his brother would do the same thing to someone. Maybe he gets very emotional over this and later finally tells his friends about Kellington? Maybe they didn't know before, only Anna did? So when they all realize what was happening then they comfort him etc? Or maybe it's just Alastair that learns now, and the others knew before, and they share a bonding moment over that?

Injured Grace seeking Kit's help is a genius idea I didn't know I needed

Kamanna giving each other time and space and deciding they need to question their relationship and figure out if it actually makes sense would be great. Anna realising she's very privileged and Kamala doesn't have those same opportunities, and also in general realising coming out should never be pressured or forced. Just,,,, Anna being self-aware and respectful towards Kamala. Well-written Anna. Plz. Also Kamanna is actually developed and not just "in love" because,,,,, they're attracted to each other? Maybe even remaining friends while Anna makes up their mind?

yeah just TMT being more compassionate and less judgy because they're not written by Judith so her bias isn't projected onto them

It's not a want, it's a need. They adopt Alastair and Grace eventually. Like, maybe not literally - although, Grace? - but you know what I mean.

I think they all should just have various friendship dynamics and switch between them, because people need more than one friend group

no fetishizing, no watching your brother make out with his lover, yessss

yes domestic cuddles, affection, taking care of wounds, all those things. plz.

Gracetopher bonding over science yes

obviously. or maybe she's imprisoned?!

ok, now for some more notes/my ideas etc., if you don't mind:

I actually think Belial could still be featured? After all, I don't think Tatiana could do much on her own, and since she seeks help from demons, it makes sense to include a Greater Demon as well. But Belial would have to be a stronger villain, written better; I'll think more about this

if that was the case, the serial killer plot could still happen, but be done better. and it would allow for a scenario I talked about with @littlx-songbxrd to happen, where it's Alastair who's falsely accused of murder. It creates a great opportunity to explore some things, because we know Alastair is much more likely to be seriously suspected, considering all the prejudices and bad rep his family has and all that

...what do you say to well-written Jordelia? 👀 Cordelia hasn't been obsessively in love with James since childhood, she only had a crush then. And now that they meet again, she's fond of him but not in love, not straight away. They're both grown up, and different people, but as they spend more and more time together, they fall in love. What if Cordelia gets to flirt with some other boys first? What then. What if she ends up choosing James, instead of going for the only boy she's ever had feelings for and idealized since childhood. What if we even make it friends-to-lovers and have James be a little jealous at some point?! but not in a possessive awful way, just "oh damn oh no"

Now I won't know peace until this exists BUT THANK YOU

[marshvlovestv]

Eric in the Pod Room - An impassioned defense of a man at his worst

Big tw for discussions of suicide, suicidal ideation, and mental illness, and lots of me projecting my own issues onto a terrible fictional character

I’m in a really bad place mentally right now and I’m immersing myself in a Zero Escape Let’s Play series to distract myself from it. It definitely isn’t the healthiest thing for me to be hyperfixated on right now - the series has a chummy relationship with the concept of suicide, after all, and suicidal thoughts are my worst symptom at the moment. But you know what, it’s twisted, but I’m so dangerously comfortable with my own suicidality at this point that the themes of suicide in Zero Escape almost feel warm and welcoming, to the point where I’d even consider them a factor in why I am so obsessed with the series.

I was working on a larger meta, which most of this post is an excerpt from, about the many suicides from Zero Time Dilemma specifically - none of them influenced by Radical-6, all of them with some interesting psychological analysis to be done concerning them. But the Let’s Players have reached the Pod Room, the puzzle that seems to singlehandedly give players the most reason to hate my favorite character. They turned out to be no exception, and they spent the length of the puzzle going on and on about how they despise Eric. I got really tense and upset and thought, “You know what? Forget about Diana, Carlos, and Delta. I can talk about them later. All I want to do right now is come to Eric’s defense. I want to talk about my boy.”

Like, I get it, you know? The first time I saw the Pod Room, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Eric, either. He bullies Sean, he actively refuses to be of any help in solving the puzzle, he makes lewd comments about Mira (and for the record, the problem I have with this is the fact that he says these things around a child, not the comments themselves; people should be allowed to experience and express sexual attraction and that is a hill I will die on). After the puzzle itself, we learn about Eric’s deepest trauma and after that I see people either feel bad for hating him and begin to sympathize with him fully, or go, “Yeah, that sucks for him, but it still doesn’t forgive a damn thing. He’s the worst and I hate him and I hate this game for making him exist.” I am firmly in the first camp, if you couldn’t tell.

Lest we forget: This is the route at the end of which Eric commits suicide. A murder-suicide, granted, but still. He takes his own life. The Pod Room is the start of Eric’s descent into rock bottom and I just... can’t hate him for that, especially not when I recognize some of myself in him. I have never killed another person (I promise); I don’t have homicidal thoughts. I don’t know personally what would compel someone to commit a murder-suicide and I don’t even want to speculate. But his homicidal tendencies aside, Eric and his suicidality have always spoken to me personally.

I’ve done plenty of analysis of Eric in the past under the lens of personality disorders, and my most general conclusions are that he suffers from PTSD, dependent personality disorder, and possibly borderline personality disorder as well. Suicidality is highly correlated with all three of those disorders, and as such I find it highly unlikely that his decision to kill himself in this route is a spontaneous one. If he is anything like me, when he isn’t actively, imminently suicidal, he probably still spends a lot of time imagining worst-case scenarios in which suicide would be a no-brainer. For me, my worst-case scenarios often involve the loss of my parents; they are my Safe People, people around whom my AvPD symptoms are less extreme and my behavior is less inhibited, and I seriously fear for my ability to function without them in my life. Sufferers of many different personality disorders have “special people” like this in some way or another. DPD and BPD have, respectively, Depended People and Favorite People, the objects of the sufferer’s attachment. Mira clearly fulfills both of these roles in Eric’s life, and lots of his worst-case scenarios must involve the loss of her.

Before her death is even confirmed, we can see how much he struggles to function without her there in the puzzle room. I read Eric’s behavior in the Pod Room as him flailing in the absence of his special person. The Let’s Players I’m watching have even made derisive comments about how he doesn’t even know how to be a person, and I’m sitting here like, yeah. You’re right. He doesn’t know how to be a person, not right now. His identity and self-worth are tied to a person who has disappeared under mysterious and stressful circumstances; without her, he feels useless and helpless, which is why he’s overwhelmed by something as simple as a sliding block puzzle. Without her, he loses his grip on his self-control, which is why he has no filter to stop him from saying inappropriate things and why can’t stop his worse impulses to mistreat people. I’m not trying to say that anything he does in the Pod Room is right, but there is a reasonable explanation for why he acts the way he does.

And then, they find Mira’s body. One of Eric’s worst-case scenarios has come true, and in the process he has lost not only the person most important to him but the very sense of self that said person helped him feel. It’s just as bad as he always imagined, and even worse, she was killed in exactly the same way his brother was, triggering a PTSD flashback. His trauma is further compounded by being shown graphic video of Junpei and Akane’s deaths (and later just being shown their dismembered bodies in person).The devastation he must be feeling in this moment is beyond what I can even comprehend and I fully understand why he snaps.

Again, I don’t want to speculate as to why his mind goes “revenge first, suicide second” and why he kills people he could be reasonably sure are innocent. All I can say for sure is that, when he does ultimately kill himself, it’s not out of guilt and it’s not out of fear of consequences. His last words are promising Mira that he’ll be with her soon. The suicide is about her. It was always about her. It’s not just that he’ll miss her; he genuinely cannot picture a life for himself where she is not a part of it, at least not a good one.

(Quick sidenote here to talk about one other thing that Eric does in this route: shooting out the X-Pass authenticator. Once Mira’s body is found, six people have died, meaning that Eric, Sean, and Q are free to leave. But Eric shoots out the authentication device before this is possible. When this happened in the Let’s Play, the players called him an idiot for destroying his own means of escape, which really annoyed me. Here’s the thing: Eric is already actively suicidal at this point. He destroys his key to the outside world because he can no longer imagine a life for himself in the outside world. Shooting the authenticator was in itself an act of suicide, even though he wasn’t pulling the trigger on himself.)

All of this is not to say that Eric is okay in the true end and should be left to his own devices. He’s a man in pain, a man in constant crisis, and he’s in desperate need of intervention to prevent him from harming himself or others. I like him and Mira together and she will likely always be a special (Depended, Favorite) person to him, but he can’t and shouldn’t rely on his relationship with her to keep his head above water and keep him from acting the way he did in the Pod Room. Eric needs professional help; but call me optimistic, I think that learning from Sean about how he acted on the other routes, what it looks like when he is truly at rock bottom, might inspire him to seek that help.

Anyway. Sorry for the rant, I hope it was interesting at least. I’m going to go refill my medications and schedule an appointment with my therapist because, as fun and cathartic as this was to write, it’s definitely not healthy to get this riled up over fictional characters; plus, I can’t rightly advocate for a fictional character to get help when I’m not taking care of myself, can I?