#god: u literally did this to urself idiot

[wheeeluv]

me when my torrented photoshop doesn't work bcs i get it torrented

i was getting back into giffing again (finally) but might take a while 🥲🥲

[nerdpoe]

To Fail and to Succeed

AO3

Graphic depictions of death, descriptions of the sounds and smell of someone dying via electricity, don't read if u can't handle it. Take care of urself.

~~~~~~

Bruce was about to start falling asleep standing up, he could tell.

This couple had just talked nonstop for five hours about something that didn’t exist.

But he needed to act like Brucie, and Brucie needed to cement the fact that he was a frivolous idiot who would back other idiots like these ones.

His mind ached for something substantial to do, and the comm in his ear had long since fallen silent. He could tell that Dick was still there, at least; the snoring gave it away.

His other children had long since gotten bored and, after two hours of impressions and making fun of the Drs Fenton, had wandered off.

“-And that’s why our Portal is a guaranteed way to explore other dimensions!” Maddie cut into his thoughts, startling him to the extent that he had to put conscious effort not to tense up and dodge away from her proximity.

“You also get to skip that annoying airfare!” Jack worthlessly concluded, slapping Bruce on the back.

“Mom, Dad; you’re both on the no-fly list, remember?” Their daughter, Jasmine, the only blessedly normal one, reminded them on her way out the door. Bruce felt the involuntary sigh of relief leave him; they would not be able to legally fly to Gotham. 

Thank god for small mercies.

“Oh Jazzie-pants, like that would stop us!”

Did Maddie Fenton just confess to a crime? Did that mean he could report them?

Could Bruce…go home?

“Easy B, just put up with it until after dinner and you get to come back to your usual broody cave. I’ll even ask Alfred to make you cookies.”

Damn. Dick had woken up.

Bruce grimaced and moved so his hidden camera was fully taking in the lab. One last shot before excusing himself.

“Well, this has been a very interesting-”

“Anyways the portal is ready to go now!”

And with very little fanfare, Jack Fenton slammed the power switch down and stood directly in front of the supposed interdimensional portal. Ghost Zone portal. Whatever, anyone who knew anything about dimensions knew what that thing really was.

Bruce tensed and prepared to yank the fool to safety, but…nothing.

Nothing happened.

Bruce could have cried with relief.

These two were far too scatterbrained to put their literal doctorates to use.

He instead opted for putting a hand over his still-rapidly beating heart and letting out a very small, very unnoticeable wheeze.

He’d already been lost to time once, if he had to do it again because of these two mad scientists-because that is definitely what they were and they were going on a watch list after this-he would have…

He…

Well, Bruce wasn’t sure what he would have done.

Waited for his kids or friends to get him out again and then personally apprehend the Fentons, probably.

Jack looked like he was about to cry.

Scratch that, the man was actively tearing up.

Maddie rushed over to comfort him and Bruce used their distraction to get a better look at the portal without all the background noise.

It was…surprisingly well built. There was no cable management, no safety features, and its very purpose was unhinged. Otherwise, a fairly solid build.

The Drs Fenton would definitely be on the watch list for potential villains.

All Bruce needed was for Tim to tell him how best to make sure this monstrosity never worked, but his chronically sleep-deprived son had just fallen asleep, so that would have to be put on hold.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Wayne, but it looks like the Ghost Zone is going to have to wait,” Maddie sighed, looking just as heartbroken over it as her husband, “In the meantime, why don’t we go get some burgers. Cheer ourselves up.”

Bruce nodded along, playing up the sympathetic look and herding the couple upstairs towards the front door.

Halfway to the strange amalgamation they called their car, he stopped.

His Dad Sense, as Jason called it, was going off.

Jack and Maddie were in front of him.

Jasmine was walking down the street to do…something. Possibly library, if he remembered the layout of the city correctly.

Their son, Daniel was…

Quiet.

For all he had been bugging them to see the Portal come online, he had gone upstairs with his friends and they hadn’t heard a peep since.

Now that Bruce was thinking about it, he hadn’t even heard any footsteps running around up there.

That was Not Good.

The only time teenagers were that quiet was if they weren’t in the house to begin with, or if they were planning something they weren’t allowed to do.

Bruce would know.

He’d semi-raised enough teenagers to know.

Daniel and his friends were about to do something Stupid.

And looking at the boy’s parents, they would probably cheer him on.

“Hey, how about I meet you guys at the restaurant,” Brucie said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck and laughing, “I just realized I should pick up some documents from the hotel! I’ll grab those and then we can get that funding underway, hey? Your inventions really are out of this world!”

“Of course, Brucie, you take your time!” Jack vigorously shook his hand, almost yanking Bruce’s entire body off the ground.

Was the man a meta?

“We’ll meet you at Nasty Burger!” Maddie called, revving the engine of that…thing.

Bruce stayed out long enough to wave at them as they drove away and ran over multiple streetlights-why did they have drivers licenses-before diving for the front door and rushing in as quickly as he could.

Through the living room, down to the left, onto the basement stairs and-

-no.

Why were teenagers like this!?

“B?”

Daniel Fenton was dressed in only a hazmat suit, one designed for chemical exposure and not anything else, and was walking into the highly electrified metal arch.

“B, get him out of there!”

Bruce was already leaping over the railing, landing on a table and scattering the glassware. Daniel’s friends, Samantha and Tucker, bolted away from him, taking the phone they had been using to record their stupid stunt with them.

He ignored them.

“Daniel James Fenton!” The boy’s name was ripped from his mouth, voice in full Batman mode, before he even had time to think.

Daniel jumped.

Daniel turned around too quickly for his own two feet.

Daniel tripped.

Daniel fell.

Daniel reached out to stabilize himself.

Bruce was two steps away.

Then the world went Green.

Bruce couldn’t hear what Dick was saying as his body soared through the air and landed hard against the opposite wall.

What he could hear was the unending screams of a child being electrified to death.

He shakily pushed himself up, ignoring the pain from the probable concussion, and forced himself to stand.

The air was thick with smoke, and Bruce gagged when the smell hit him.

Pork roast.

Burning plastic.

The sickly-sweet scent of rot.

“-uce! Bruce! Are you okay?! I’m sending-”

Bruce was not okay.

Bruce could not string together a plan, and Daniel was still screaming.

If Daniel could still scream, then it meant that Daniel was still alive.

Bruce didn’t think, for once.

He charged forward, stuck his hands into the Lazarus Green portal, grabbed what he assumed was Daniel, and pulled.

First through the portal were the arms he was clutching, followed by a head of glowing white hair, and, finally, the rest of the boy.

It was Daniel, Bruce was sure. Same body build, same face, just different colors.

It would be fine.

Barry had survived his lab accident, Daniel would too.

He had to keep telling himself it would be fine, or his brain would shove him back to Ethiopia; with the same smells and the same smoke and a different dead child.

~~~~~~

Danny felt himself being yanked out of the pain, through the green, and laid on the floor of his parent’s lab.

He took his time, shivering and twitching as he hyperventilated. Whatever had just happened to him, he didn’t need to come back to himself until absolutely necessary.

He swore he could still feel the electricity burrowing under his skin, crawling up his spine, and-

-He didn’t want to think about that anymore.

Danny just wanted to go to bed. 

Or play video games. 

Or get a hug.

Danny could really go for a hug.

The shivering was dying down, and the twitching had almost stopped.

One more minute and he was starting to get his breathing under control too.

Opening his eyes, the first thing Danny saw was Mr. Wayne, crouched in front of him, talking to someone Danny couldn’t see, and looking over Danny with glowing, iridescent green eyes.

“Daniel, can you hear me now?”

Danny nodded, not trusting his voice to work.

“Good, hold on; there’s a…very specialized medical team who need to look you over.”

Oh, no.

Danny decided it was time to tell his voice to suck it up.

“Don’t-don’t tell my parents!”

Mr. Wayne paused, staring down at him incredulously. 

“Are you joking?”

Wow, Mr. Wayne sounded a lot like Sam when he was pissed.

Time to butter him up.

“No. I’m not. By the way, Mr. Wayne, whoever told you that the uh, white streak was a good look for you definitely deserves a raise! Totally! Also I swear I won’t tell anyone you’re a meta.”

Mr. Wayne froze, staggered up, and turned to look at the mirror next to Sam and Tucker.

They looked horrified, but they’d also just found out one of the richest men in the world’s deepest secret, so Danny couldn’t blame them.

Then Mr. Wayne let out a strangled sound, and Danny knew his attempt to butter the man up had failed.

“No, it’s fine. Dick. Dick, it’s fine. Stop panicking. Please, I can’t…deal. With that. I’ll go for a check up on the way back.”

Also Mr. Wayne had an imaginary friend.

Stupid.

Danny should have complimented the imaginary friend too.

“Danny, dude, what?” 

Danny turned to look at Tucker, only to lean away from the tears on his Best Friends face.

“Danny. Danny? Danny, I think you’re dead,” Sam whispered, the closed off look on her face when the world became too much.

“He’s not-”

“No I’m not-”

He paused in time with Mr. Wayne, who suddenly looked very concerned and glanced over at his parent’s stupid project.

Danny thought the concern wasn’t warranted.

“I’m not dead, look, I have a pulse and ev..ery…” Danny frowned, pushing his fingers against his jugular harder.

Nothing.

Hand over chest?

Nothing.

Wait, when was the last time he breathed after the panic attack?

He couldn’t remember.

“...Mr. Wayne,” Danny whispered, staring at the only adult in the room and hoping he could help, “Where’s my pulse?”

@ae-vixrose @treepainting @princessdaisysolosyourfaves @dixiwoods @marionkind @wisperwind22612 @cloudyelysian @dolfay @0nez1 @sweet-mango23 @choppedphantomsweets @thedragonqueen1998 @alinmenttreasure @apointlessbox @spectralstardustandphantomnights @skulld3mort-1fan

[neteyamsilly]

i hope jake suffers 🙏

ALSO FRUITY READER??? YESS PLSSSS Lo'ak and reader fighting over tsireya and reader pulling the "i literally almost died 🙄" card

IF WERE GOING FOR A KORRA TYPE BEAT THEN I TBH I THINK ROTXO WOULD WORK SO WELL (my boy doesn't get enough love) like ik korra doesn't have a male love interest that balances her out but i feel like Asami is closer to Rotxo than tsireya is? BUT EITHER WAY IT WOULD BE ADORABLE!!!!

they would both be so supportive and loving of reader and be the balance to reader being such a headstrong hardass 🫶

IK THIS ISNT A ROMANCE STORY AND THERE PROBABLY WONT BE MUCH ROMANCE BUT I CAN FANTASIZE 🙏🙏 i just love talking about different possibilities and sceneries<333

i'm still rooting for yom'tsyeyk (eat jake😍) !! the ikran tbh i feel like would be sassy, trying to steal readers attention at all times and being spiffy towards Jake and anyone who's bothering reader "don't look her in the eyes" type beat like Neytiri and Seze 😭

frothing at the mouth waiting for the soft and loving moments between jake and reader.

( I WANTED TO ADD A PICTURE HERE BUT IT DOESNR LET ME DO THAT WHEN ANONYMOUS😭)

we need some more mom!neytiri moments up in here (my mommy issues are horrendous) and some loving sibling moments (i also have horrible siblings anxiety)

I WOULD GIVE YOU MY FIRST BORN CHILD😍😍🙏🙏

no pressure tho, this is ur story and tbh id love anything you do

and i totally get what u said about the siblings and i love where you’re going with it, i didn’t think abt them recognizing jake changing and stuff, i just wanted to know how you’d go down that path😮

also i think i have another ear infection cause it started feeling painfully itchy and when i went to scratch it there was blood on my finger 😕let's hope my dad doesn't go all Jake again🙏

ANYWAYS

luv u pook, stay hydrated and eat fruits and veggies (god knows i don't) sleep well and take care of urself<333

-🫀

LISTEN, IDK IF YOU KNOW HANGOVER MOVIES BUT THERE'S THIS PART:

THIS IS GOING TO BE SISTER!READER AND HER SIBLINGS FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE SSDJSKJDS every argument won by "but did you die?" and gaslighting others' problems. stay toxic girlboss

Also like i love soft, idiot, sweet himbos for intimidating girls so rotxo is a wonderful choice, but I also love enemies to lovers so aonung is a choice too. BUT I ALSO LOVE ANGRY INTIMIDATING GIRLS WHO JUST ARE GOOFY TO MELT IN FRONT OF BEAUTIFUL SWEET ANGEL GIRLS .

i cannot . take romance for this series off my hands i'll ruin everything

also like when i put lo'ak into the equation you know sister!reader would have a tragic unrequited love for tsireya she gives up on because tsireya is so good for lo'ak and he's having an incredibly hard time on awa'atlu and she wants him to be happy. she'd walk away. someone stop me. no im not doing romance

"frothing at the mouth for soft moments between reader and jake" HOPE YOU WERE HAPPY (for a while) IN THIS CHAPTER THEN HAHAHAHAH

ALSO ANOTHER EAR INFECTION????? please get that checked out and dont let it get worse this time FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

LOVE YOU, WILL BE AWAITING GOOD NEWS FOR THE EAR!

[stinkgh]

I just finished the Scarlet & Violet DLC The Teal Mask (scarlet) and I think this is one of the dumbest stories we've ever had in a while. And I don't mean the Ogrepon and the Loyal/Toxic Three Legend, but more so Carmine and Kieran are just fucking dumb as fuck and got on my last ever ending nerves and playing messenger as a part of the game was really annoying to deal with.

Carmine's tsundere attitude got on my last God damn nerves and as someone who had to grow up around unstable mental health like that was not cute to witness her straight up bullying and threatening to hurt her little brother and everyone else like that. Like where are your parents and what is the deal with ur home life babe cuz your eggshell attitude is toxic as fuck. And also like bitch you think ur all that and a bag of chips but you're literally dog shit compared to Penny, Arven, and even Nemona had better depth and development than Carmine could ever dream. And you rollin with a Champion Level Bitch aka ME. So you can keep talking smack about ~oUtSiDeRs~ but you need to put some RESPECT on Paldea's name cuz u keep making a fool of urself and I'm embarrassed for you at this point.

Kieran on the other hand, is one of the most 2 dimensional Eren Jaeger ass wannabe characters we've seen in a while and when I say Eren Jaeger I mean in the concept that Eren had one objective on his mind the whole damn time and that never changed until he knew the truth and then it became genocide. And all Kieran talks about is Ogrepon this Ogrepon that until he hears the truth and then suddenly he's turning on us??? Like WHY IS HE TURNING INTO A VILLIAN JUST BECAUSE WE DIDNT TELL HIM A FUCKING BED TIME STORY LIKE HUH??? Bitch YOU STOOD THERE AND HEARD UR POP-POP SAY WHY WE COULDNT TELL U THE TRUTH U DUMB FUCKING BABY... cuz you was gonna run head first and TELL EVERYONE AND GET URSELF IN TROUBLE you fucking IDIOT... and what does he do??? HE TELLS EVERYONE.

Idk they just piss me off so bad. Like yeah it works out in the end but my God these two siblings are horrible and the worst part is that they're actually kinda charming by the end of it all and that just PISSES ME OFF EVEN MORE!!! Carmine actually takes us seriously and starts acting like a big sister would and Kieran actually takes on a big responsibility all by himself in order to grow and challenge himself to keep up with us. LIKE FUCK OFF CUZ YALL STILL ANNOYING AS FUCK AND I HATE THAT WE'RE EVEN STILL HERE WITH U ASSHOLES. this has been the most absolute mediocre ass school vacation of my entire life but hey at least I got an OgrePON PON WEI WEI WEI PON PON WEI PON WEI PON PON reference in a few times so~

Another thing I'm not really satisfied with is just how much the festival took a back seat to everything else going on. Like I LOVE the forced linearity of going through the day searching for signposts and Ogrepon lore. But why didn't they force us back to the festival square each night for a different event each time???? THAT WOULD HAVE MADE IT SO MUCH BETTER, THATS WHAT I WAS EXPECTING TBH. Like Ogre Ousting is fun and all but what about a live performance at the playhouse? And maybe a parade float down Revelers Road? FOR A STORY THAT FOCUSES ON A FESTIVAL THE ACTUAL FESTIVAL SURE DID PLAY A MINIMAL ROLE IN THE STORY.

AND WHY IS THERE NO FLY POINT TO THE FKN OGRE NEST LIKE FUCK OFF I HATE SCALING THIS MOUNTAIN EVERY TIME I NEED TO GET UP THERE

Overall I'm actually enjoying it despite the yelling lmao

I do have to wonder why they keep showing that .. mole? Thing on Kieran's neck... is it just a mole? Or is it something toxic.. has he been controlled? Are we looking at another Lusamine and Nihilego toxin situation?? Tbh I doubt it bc there's no other outward signs Kieran is being "possessed'... like his eyes aren't different colors and theres nothing else visible about him to suggest it. But goddamn they keep showing that mole and I'm like... okay... cool mole bro.... wtf lmao

Also Briar is a Pokemon in human form from Area Zero just like Geeta is. Their true significance will be shown in The Indigo Disk.

[theuniverseawakens347]

Trying to make it seem like Howard was responsible for gilbreana death .. I literally get off on her picture being hung up in the house and sent pornography to the White House off his computer from the robbery may 21 to not be caught for UR WHOLE WILLING PART IN HER MURDER.

And ur switched ur computer w Howard’s computer ..

Then wiped his and took it for ur own .. WHILE U WENT TO THE CABIN THATS WILD LEE

Meh came back to HIS LAPTOP MISSING OFF HIS DESK … but REALLY ITS UR LAPTOP THE FUCKING APPLE ID DOESNT EVEN MATCH HIS RECEIPT FOR THE COMPUTER YAL BOUGHT ME ..AND MINE WASNT WVEN IN THE HOUSE AT THE TIME I WAS AT AVA AND MINE GOT NIGGAS IS GODS ( incriminating) WEED STICKERS ALL OVER IT LEE

And I replaced my COVER ABD ATILL GOT WEED STICKERS ON MINE ..

U GIYS GOT THE SMOOTH GREY ONES BUT LIKE AGAIN .. APPLE ID LEE .. u really don’t know how to work a computer or

U paid Alissa AND FRIENDS OF IAN TO LITERALLY “HACK IT” WILLINGLY GAVE PASSWORD AND SEND NUDES FROM HOWARDS EMAIL ..

HE SIGNED IN ONCE AND LEFT IT OPEN ..

BITXH U SENT THE NUDES UR SELF THEN HAD MOFO STEAL THE COMPUTER TO “HIDE THE EVIDENCE “ and then tell Ian to take Howard’s safe of guns and go committ a murder which h4_eazy “did” and GOT CAUGHT W REGISTERED GUNS N HOWARDS NAME N CHRIS TRIED TO SAY HOWARD KILLED ALEXIS … CAUSE THAT CASE WAS BEING REOPENED

All this was being reopened ON MY FAMILY CAUSE IT LITERALLY GOES RIGHT BACK TO U ALISSA SAYING SHE DIDNT KNOW ..BITCH I SEEN LEXI FACE WE LOOK LIKE TWINS YEAH IT WAS BEFORE WE MET AND CHRIS U BEEN FUCKIN KNEW MY NIGGA WE WENT TO 54 th together no wonder Myron played stupid when Lauryn Reese brought me around

ALL. YALL NIGGAS BEEN AFTER ME N MY FAMILY ON BEHALF OF LEE ARLVICTORIALONGTON FAMILY SINCE THE BEGINNING TIME LEE ANTI MASONS VS MANSON ( MY FAMILY IN THE-SKY )

GIRL BYE LIKE BE SO FUCKING FR. EVERY FRIEND IVE HAD AROUND ME KNEW U ONE WAY OR ANOTHER AND WAS PAID OFF OR THREATEN TO HIDE MY TRUTH U BEEEEEN ALWAYS KNEW WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP W ME OR ELSE U WEIRDO BITCHES WOULDNT HAVE WORKED SO HARD. NO MATTER HOW I SAY IT YAL BIGGAS KNOW IT ALWAYS TURNS ME U OBVIOUS THE FUCK LY KNOWING IM GOD AND UR SATAN AS FUCK.

Chris UR A DICK HEAD WILLINGLY KILLING ALEXIS AND PASSING CHILD PORN TO PUT ON HOWARD NUGENT CAUSE LEE SAID YAL WOULD GET OUT DUE TO LEGAL BACKING .. what bitch, KILLING ME!?

HOW U GON KILL ME WHEN U KNOW IM ETERNAL AND U SHOWED ME LAW ABIDING CITIZEN MY TRUTH.

But you REAL LIFE DIDNT WANT DIE ALONE. SO UR HOLDING HOWARD HOSTAGE WHO UNALSO KNW IS ONE OF MINE .. AND THEN ROOED THE KIDS INTO IT INCASE HE LEAVES U

He real life like bomb protection squad rn and I’m real life hostage til I SAID ALL THIS CAUSE U TOOK BITCH MADE TO SPEAK UP DAWG HOE. THATS SAD. ALL THAT CRIME BUT U CANT PUT YO FUCKING CHEST OUT AND TAKE THE TIME .. THEN WHY FUCKING DO IT ..

Trying to claim insanity card THATS WHY U HAD THE KIDS DO ALL THIS CAUSE UR REAL LIFE EMBARRASSED THAT THUS IS LEGIT U AS A PERSON NATURALLY AS I STARED ON THE BLOG AND AT 11 when I said I hated u for some fucking reason .. BITCH I MEAN 🤯 WHAT LEE U COULDNT SAY “CASH UR GAWD IM THE DEVIL”

UR AFRAID OF DEATH BUT URSELF IN A FEDERAL FUCKING CASE AND ROPED IDIOT KIDS INTO SO U COULD FEEL SMARTER THAN SOMEONE .. Therese turned .. FAMILY PAID OFF BY HOWARD TO MAKE RIGHT TURN THEMSELVES IN ADMIT TO ME AND THEN I PAY THEM OFF TO NOT DONIT .. NATIONAL TERRORIST DID THE SAME TO FRIENDS BUT U WANA OPEN AN HARASSMENT CASE ON ME .. MY NIGGA U CANT BE FOR REAL ..HAVE U BEEN MEDICATED THIS WHOLE TIKE FOR A MENTAL ILLNESS AND AINT TELL NO ONE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN STOP TAKING MEDS CAUSE I SAID WHATEVER U GAVE ME AT THE PSYCHWARD GOES RIGHT BACK TO U???

Girl .. BUT IM MENTALLY UNstaBLE?

EVEN WHEN KNOWING THE SHIT WAS AWFUL FOR ME I STILL TOOK IT ALL OF IT WVEN AT ST FRANCIS.

My nigga take it to the chin WTF U DO THIS FOR.

U put me in psych wards cause that was a projection of ur own truth like trying to sell a fucking pound of OH SO CLEARLY SHIT WEED.

My nigga I really been living 21 YEARS W A PSYCHO WHO PUT ME IN HER CARE AFTER EVERY FUCKING THING IVE GONE THRU BEFORE THE “adoption”

LIKE THIS REAL LIFE CANT BE FUCKING FOR REAL .. YAL SAID “oh I go on psych meds ( AT DUMB ASS FUCK NICKI) and we’ll give cashay to you” AFTER SHE MURDERED MY LITTLE SIATWR COUSIN GILBREANA

And then before my 16th and Lexi 15th she planned to have Tyler Ian Alissa WILLING SICK BITCH and CHRIS WILLING BUT GON LIE INWAS IN A ROUGH PLACE W ALEX MADE ME DO IT TRYING TO PROVE MYSELF U STILL HAD A CHOICE. U CHOSE STREET LIFE MY NIGGA TF U JOIN THE GANG IF U CANT HANG PUNK BITCH ..like DAQUAN TRYSHA WILLING FOR SOME ALIEN BLOOD OR MY FUCKING MONEY.. THAT BITCH PUT A BOUNTTY ON MY HEAD. NICKI AND U WILLINGLY TURNED ME OVER TO HER

Askari TELEPATHIC BITCH U BEEN LYING TO HIM FOR A MINUTE THAT NIGGA BEEEEEEN STEPPING IN BEHIND THE SCENES ON THE BACK END .. UR WORK FALLING THRU CAUSE THAT NIGGA LOOOKING OUT FOR ME HOWARD TOO

..

But you REALLY LET IT get to some crazy ass level of extortion Lee .. KILL ME N U WIN THE GAME OF LIFE AND GET ETERNITY INTO THE NEXT LEVEL ..yal niggas that stupid??? THATS WILD

So basically 1. U KNEW

2. I TRIED TO ASSASSINATE GOD ..I thought you satanic fucks READ THE BIBLE??

DONT U KNOW SATAN “TAKING OVER” WAS A TRICK TO PROVE U ARE LITTERALY FUCKING VILE DIGUSTING BEINGS.

I really think u gon out rank THE CREATOR OF ALL OF SPACE.

I’m 4 quadrillion years old and literal fucking projecting of the universe IN HUMAN FORM.

A Simulation. I DIE WE ALL DIE. AGAIN WORLD WIDE GENOCIDE LEE.

Start the “game of life” ALL OVER .. I CHOOSE WHEN WE COME BACK AND GUESS WHAT 5 major resets U THOUGHT I WAS DUMB ENOUGH EVEN MEDICATED AS FUCK THE WAY U DID ME I WAS JUST GOING TO HAVE IT BE LIKE ALL THE ORHER TIKES??

U KNOW HOW LONG U ALONE BEEN DOING THIS DUMB SHIT IN A DIFFERENT BODY SUIT CHARLES LITERALLY FUCKING MANSON.

Nicki .. Marlyn Manson. Like wtf yal.

WHY WOULD I REPEAT THE SAME THING AND EXPECT A NEW OUTCOME..UR INSANE NOT ME ALSO GOD OVERSEES ALL BEFORE IT HAPPENS ONLY ME AND RIGHTFUL FAMILY CAN SEE THE FUTURE ..but it’s like at what point do YOU STOP AND MAKE BETTER FUCKING CHOICES.

Yal CLEARLY ARE REAL LIFE ILL INTENT PEOPLE. MALCOM INCLUDED. TRYING TO PUT IT ON ASKARI. .. nigga no.

Generational curses in a weird fucking way.

THIS IS WILD LEE AND NICKI RING LEADERS TO THE ANTI MASONS KILLING AND LIVING OFF MY FAMILY.

HOWARD AND ASKARI THE OTHER SIDE FIGHTING PROTECTING AND LOOKING OUT.

Lee u BEEEN GOT NEWS OF THIS BEING FEDERAL AND AINT TOLD NO ONE. HOWARD AND ASKARI WENT BEHIND UR BACK AND MADE RIFHT TO THISE INNOCENT AND ROPED INTO UR MIS GUIDEDNESS LIKE THERESE W RIVER / Patrick ( sorry) and JEAN w Bonnie/ forest .. U MANAGE TO TRY N PUT THAT ON ME CAUSE U STRUGFLE W GENDER AND EQUALITY AND U HATE GAYS U HATE ANYTHING THAT ISNT WHITE OR SLAVERY.

Literally what I put on the blog about in 2020 was VERY REAL AND MY BRAIN REAWAKENING OUT SHADOW MODE AND I TOLD U IN A 10 PAGE LETTER I FOUND MY FOREVER PERSON TRISTAN ❤️❤️ and U DECIDED NAW KILL THE WHOLE WORLD.

I made myself, bae and A WHOLE LOT MORE OF ME .. like be so fucking fr.. u clearly DONT believe in God and NEVER read the Bible to think U COULD KILL ME AND GET AWAY WITH IT LIKE NO ONE WAS GUNA SERVE JUSTICE??

🤯🤯🤯

Clearly I’m still under medicine cause .. the punkd kids gotta come out w cameras this really can’t be what u thought

AND U IDIOT CHILDREN CHRIS FELL FOR IT DEEPLY. HAD U KNOW IT WAS MY FAMILY U WOULDNT HAVE .. NIGGA WE WENT TO ELEMENTARY TOGETHER U SEEN MY FACE I GOT A VERY PROMINATE NAME U USE IT EVERYDAY FUCKING CASH BITCH.

This can’t be real life rn .. THIS FR YALL? THATS wild A NIGGA IS REAL LIFE CRAZY .. going to the psychward in 23 and Howard being there u was talking to him that u real life need help.. I seen inside I’m not admitting thru me that “I’m sick” being u.. I will say I AM SICK N TIRED OF UR FUCKING INSANITY .. U DO NEED HELL IF THIS IS FR .. but like u speak to me n projection about ur life .. that’s not working for me Lee .. I see inside u ur guilty and need help but lady u did the 5,8, and 9th step … 38 years right? FUCKING SHOW IT.

[percydarling]

Ok so I'm going to write another Percy Weasley defense piece because I read too many negative Percy confessions and I'm fired up.

So get ready

• Percy didn't leave because of the job

Listen, it's not about the FUCKING JOB, it's not about FUCKING AMBITION.

IT IS ABOUT THE FACT THAT HIS FATHER FUCKING SAID HE GOT PROMOTED SO THEY COULD USE HIM TO SPY ON HIS FUCKING FAMILY.

It's about the implication that his father thought he didn't deserve the job.

It's about the fact that his father indirectly implied or accused him of being a spy.

It's the fact that his family never respected him and he had enough of it.

So he left.

Because what else could he do?

Live in a family where everytime he spoke, someone would insult him? Or laugh at him?

It gets tiring after a while. Trust me I know.

He couldn't bear it so he left.

• Percy Weasley is not uptight

THIS GUY HAD A SECRET GF AND HE MANGED TO HIDE IT FROM ALL HIS SIBLINGS(EXCEPT ONE)

Keep in mind the twins did have the Map at this time and the Golden Trio roaming so often during CoS honestly props to Percy.

ALSO HE CALLED HIS OWL HERMES. GET IT? GREEK MYTHOLOGY?GOD OF MESSENGERS AND HERMES IS AN OWL. PERCY IS A GREEK MYTH NERD. I CALLED IT.

Honestly thought the entire way he acted in that book was funny because you could see how hard he was trying to hide it.

Also he bet money he didn't have on a Quidditch game (10 gallons is quite a lot) and won. The twins def get the gambling streak from Percy.

Also the way Percy interacts with Harry itself is a treat.

"Potatoes Harry?"

Also he spent time with Ron and Percy and did do a snowball fight against the twins.

He also fought along with his elder brothers at that Quidditch Match and received a bloody nose in return.

Not to mention the way Percy adores Ron.

Literally 'cheering and telling other Prefects "my brother you know" about Ron's chess natch win'

So i genuinely have no clue what you people are talking about when you say stuffy or unbearable. I guess you're just mimicking the twins because you take their word for it.

Also if Percy Weasley was so uptight how come he has a gf?

•Percy Weasley did not betray his family

So apparently leaving your family is equivalent to betrayal.

Let's get things straight okay?

He did not spy on his family like his father thought he would.

I don't understand what you mean by "betray"

Did he harm his family?

Did he tell people private info about his family?

Honestly I'm confused. I don't get the betray part?

If people actually know what type of betrayal Percy did please enlighten me by commenting.

•Percy Weasley did not fucking cause CoS incident

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS AND OMFG I AM DONE

Wait you think Percy interrupting his sister 1 fucking time is why CoS happened PLS DO NOT FUCKING INTERACT WITH ME.

I MEAN HOW FUCKING IDIOTIC IT IS TO THINK THAT PERCY CAUSED HIS SISTER TO GET TAKEN BECAUSE WTF

So apparently ppl are blaming Percy because he was scared Ginny wud tell Ron and Harry ab Penny so he interrupted her once because he was scared whereas Ginny was gonna tell about the diary.

ALSO SHE DID FUCKING TELL AT THE END

So let's assume Percy doesn't stop here and she does tell Harry what you think he gonna do?

Go after it himself , get himself trapped and both Ron and him well die.

BETTER YET WHY DOES SHE JUST FUCKING GO TO DUMBLEFUCKINGDORE

SO FUCK U IF YOU THINK PERCY IS AT FAULT

•Percy Weasley did not fucking make Molly miserable

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MADE MOLLY MISERABLE??????

THE FACT THAT NOONE BESIDES HER WAS FUCKING AFFECTED THAT PERCY LEFT THE GODDAMN FAMILY

So All these bs confessions about Percy making Molly miserable and that's y u hate him bs pls keep it to urself.

It just makes u look like a moron. Sorry to say that but it's true.

Honestly I'm just so tired of Percy hate especially when there r other characters who deserve it so I'm just angry amd exhausted so I made this.

Percy stans pls interact with me. I need some positivity😭

[ennoshawty]

HQ CAPTAINS AS THINGS

i was bored and felt like doing a crackfic thing but i didn’t have any solid themes or good ideas

SO I PRESENT TO YOU - THE CAPTAINS. AS THINGS. IDK HOW TO WORD THIS BUT YOU’LL SEE AS WE GO ALONG.

warnings: VERY LONG, slandering a crybaby oikawa (lovingly), mentions f!reader, shitposting, mentions of violence in kita's, (a bit) yandere!kita, cursing, unedited, me being an idiot

officer!daichi

we are: vigilante/troublemaker

loving the enemies-to-lovers trope so much

nah bro you ain’t full criminal (bc my preppy ass could never) you just do the small vandalism things y’know like drawing peepees on government buildings and knocking over bins

u literally confessed to him by spraypainting the entire billboard by his workplace “I LIKE YOU” like way to go girl

He didn’t appreciate the creative graffiti but he rlly likes u so all u had to do was clean it and then next thing u know yall are out on a cute cafe date

but let’s talk about before yall got together

he’d CHASE u thru alleyways when he’d catch you writing “police sux” on the fuckin wall

bro is NOT AT ALL afraid to jump onto the roofs it’s FRIGHTENING to see this huge ass police officer storm after u

HES SO FAST HOT DAMN WOMAN HOW DO U GET AWAY FROM HIM??? USAIN BOLT WHOMST???

you’d almost always get away by a hair - he’s SO SO close

and it frustrates him but excites u oooooo arrest me shawty

and this would continue for a while

but yall have such fun fun banter - you’d tease him and he’d say something back and you’d bolt and he’d chase

some days he’d catch you. but in those times u slip away somehow

he’s having so much fun and doesn’t even know it

and then at one point he doesn’t even care about bringing u to justice anymore. he knows it’s bad for business and it’s unprofessional but he’s so attracted to u

he doesn’t even know it. HES IN DENIAL!!! his mind: “oh i’m just asking about her so that i know her motives” bruh no u just asked about our fav pastry this aint about crime anymore

and when he finally gets it,,,DINGDINGDINGDING SOUND THE ALARMS !!! MAN IS WHIPPED!! he’s more shy around u awww,,,doesn’t even want to chase u anymore but he will still engage in banter w u.

yall get a little peace treaty in the lil crush stage - you both are kinda aware of ur feelings towards each other but don't really wanna mess it up and jeopardize whatever's going on like bros PLEASE JUST KISS ITS INFURIATING

it’s more of a competition to see who will break the other first (and you lost he’s too hot)

he lets u joyride his cop car in an empty parking lot <3 he is the one <3 this is true love

u gotta marry him right now bro no excuses

u are no longer on the crime side of the law,,,u support him and only him fuck the rest of the cops (i’m jk of course...or am i)

u are his badass sidekick <3 unofficially of course until he marries u

u help him with the small things like helping lost children find their parents and helping old ladies cross the street

but you want to do the FUN stuff - chasing thieves and arresting drunkards.

unfortunately, he loves u too much to put u in danger so he keeps u from doing the dangerous things

after some protesting later, he trusts u to take care of urself. and now yall have a competition just like old times - whoever catches the most baddies at the end of the month wins (he WILL scold u if ur too reckless though)

THE TWO OF U ARE JUST GOOD COP BAD COP UHAHAHAHAHAHA

but it’s much more complicated than that - it’s either ur the laidback one and he’s the strict one or ur the fiery one and he’s the person like “calm down”

PLEASE HE HATES BRINGING U TO INTERROGATIONS he’s trying to be serious but you keep making him laugh istg he has to kick u out each time

u still make him laugh when u pout-glare at him thru the glass

bro says he’s not the stereotypical cop but the moment u surprise him with donuts and coffee in the morning he will make out w u right then and there

even though yall dating he still won’t let u play with his equipment

but sometimes u grab his walkie talkie when he’s not looking and prank call the others

and his coworkers know by now they’re like “oh it’s daichis gf” and go along with it HAHAHAHA “this is alpha 1, daichi just contracted ligma, over.” “roger, but what’s ligma? over.” “*inhale* LIGMA-” *daichi takes the walkie talkie back*

his coworkers are chill lmaoooo they love u two as a couple THEY ARE VERY SUPPORTIVE they planned a surprise anniversary party of when u joined the force (unofficially)

the juniors tanaka and noya are jelly ooooo but they respect their captain <3

u loooooove hanging out w the starry-eyed new recruit hinata and he’s bouncing around asking u personal questions “how did you date the commander!!! what’s he like as a bf??” he also accidentally exposes how much daichi talks about u in the office before he drags him away and murders him off camera

he does get u a walkie talkie that’s just connected to his line, tho. for emergencies. it’s ur second phone basically that only has his number in it

daichi LOVES it when u massage him after he’s had a long day but his shoulders are stiff as a statue,,,he’s also super stronk and can carry u anywhere <333

IMAGINE HE HAS A POLICE DOG - he doesn’t, but he’ll get one of his buddies to bring u a k9 unit so u can pet it and when he sees how happy u are he considers getting one PLSSS IT WOULD FIT HIM HELPPP

bro is VERY strict on safety. bulletproof glass in yalls house. alarms + cameras everywhere. trackers on every device. underground bunker. (just kidding lol)

daichi teaches u self-defense and gets u a bejeweled taser for ur bday <333 MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW OR I’LL-

in other words i love daichi and he is husband material WIFE ME UP BUDDY

househusband!oikawa

we are: girlboss sugar mommy

somehow you tamed this bish to becoming your obedient malewife

and by obedient i mean whiny but compliant

IS MORE ATTACHED TO YOUR BLACK CARD THAN TO YOU. I SAID IT. THE TRUTH.

sure, he’s pretty and gives affection sometimes but the only time he’s bein cute and snuggly w u is when a new fendi purse came out and he wants it

his specialty is cooking but he’s so lazy he’s all “just get the maid to do it”

please give ur workers a raise he’s so demanding

when you take him to ur business parties hes ALWAYS bragging about you and ur large house with this and that and his favorite: indoor hot tub. he always brings up the indoor hot tub.

only reason you bring him is cuz he’s pretty and he whines when you leave him alone for too long

yall cant even stay for too long - he’ll practically drag u out of the building and whining that it’s too hot and his suit is too stuffy and to call a limo

he’s not afraid to embarrass u if u dont give him what he wants and he will spit out food at a formal dinner if its not to his liking

probably in competition w househusbands! makki and mattsun about who gets the best house so he’s constantly begging u for an extension to the house “please babe!!! makki has-” “no.”

8/10 times throws tantrums in public and 1465/10 times throws tantrums in the house

he wants to cry for the sake of crying. one time he lost his shirt and he wouldn’t stop bawling for 15 min

please find him a hobby

crybaby . the moment u give him the glare of death it’s over. but he’s got a cute crying face which makes up for his annoying whimpering

like he made the mistake of throwing a temper tantrum in the mall only for you to glare at him with a look that said “we’re discussing this when we get home and you’re gonna get your ass beat” and walk away. immediately stopped what he was doing and he was running after u, sniffling and mumbling apologies

please humble him and have him sleep outside. the couch is too luxurious to banish him to. he made sure of it himself. it’s reclining and has charging ports. he will not learn his lesson that way

does NOT want you to get a pet or a kid or even another sugar baby/househusband - he wants to be the center of ur attention

speaking of which he HATES it when you work for too long or work overseas. when u come back he’ll pout at u and give u the petty silent treatment

don’t bother trying to comfort him he thrives off of it and he’ll keep going so u can keep paying attention to him. if u just ignore him back he’ll come crawling back to u. “WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU?? DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE???”

one time yall got into a fight and he was all like “since ur being a rude mommy i’ll just find someone else !!!” inside u were like “oh god finally” but instead u said “okay”

ohmygod he panicked. he was rlly expecting for u to fight for him,,, but he doesn’t want to admit defeat first so he tries to go thru with it but you literally dont care. even when he has his chanel luggage packed and he’s standing by the door ur just like “ok bye bitch”

So he’s trying to stand by the door and wait for u to say that ur joking. ur not.

“fine! I’m leaving now!” “okay.” “...*sniffles*” “tooru, go.” “WAAAAH NO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO-”

u knew this was going to happen sadly. u even hid the keys to all of the sports cars u own just in case he was actually going to go thru with it

tries to get in the gossip circle with the neighborhood trophy wives but they don’t think he’s cool enough. they like u though. they think ur hot asf and oikawa doesn’t like them no more bc theyre hitting on his ATM. but thanks to that u know all the gossip and shit even though u don’t ask for it

Every time u pass by a store where he thinks he wants something he’ll just cling to u and give the puppy dog eyes. like it could be out of nowhere and u see it and you’re like “where. which store.”

bro once he went luxury he never went back. he wouldn’t EVER step foot into a grocery store ever again congrats he’s been bimbo-ified

beat him with ur gucci belt pls it’s so funny

also please please PLEASE discipline him. tell him it’s NOT okay to just randomly purchase the entire swarovski store or to throw a party at ur house just bc he’s feeling petty about u being at work for too long. ofc he’ll bitch about it but you need to be firm

but don’t worry,,,he’ll get the idea when u take away black card privileges and slap him around (lovingly)

now he has to ask permission like a good boy. he’ll kneel and hug u and give a lil pout and whine

you got a bigass man child i’m sorry maam u should’ve picked tobio or ushi

ceo!kuroo

we are: secretary

bruh keeps it mostly professional during work hours

but that all gets shedded off like a snake when we on break

one minute he’s all “get these papers done by today or i swear on all that is holy i will destroy you” and then later he’s all “hey sweetheart wanna grab a cup of coffee”

flirty flirty FLIRTY FLIRTY AAAAA HES A MENACE

but you’re less than impressed bc y’know when the time clocks out and its time to go back to work he’s ruthless once more

HUMBLE HIM FOOL only when you’re on break though

will NOT stand for anyone else in the workplace bullyin u - NO WAY. only HIM

he’s got TONS and TONS of dirt on everyone in the office - NO ONE is safe so they wouldn’t even dare

RIP janet from accounting

that dumb bitch made the mistake of insulting u to ur face and in front of him. never heard from her again

it’s not even limited to the other employees - he’s not afraid to go off on a potential business partner if they dared disrespect you

bruh tries to call u on ur off days for the most randomest shit and to get ur attention

*picks up phone* “sir?” “ah! my favorite secretary ever! listen, i need you to grab my pens from my desk at the office and bring them to my place.” “...with all due respect, it’s 2 am, sir.”

but u have to comply with his ridiculous demands cuz he’s the bank

and he depends on u completely. as much as he hates to admit it - u have his schedules, itinerary, provide coffee, performance rates, stock info, you name it.

once u were out sick and he had the worst management - he’s not used to working without you

def tries to get some of ur workload off of u bc he’s worried that the stress of working for him made u sick + he doesn’t want to go thru scheduling again

prolly gets bored in meeting rooms and sends u little smirks and wiggles his eyebrows and weird looks while he’s sitting and ur standing in the corner like bruh pay attention

maybe sometimes he’s secretly makin fun of the presenter and doodling on his spare sticky note something funny to make u crack a smile

he’ll tease u for it of course “oh, secretary! you should be paying more attention! what would you do if this was important?” bruh i can multitask now keep airdropping me ur selfies i’m saving all of them (news flash: u dont save his dumbass selfies otherwise his ego will inflate too much)

sometimes likes to pull u aside from work to hug u - you say it’s highly unprofessional but he says it’s his stress reliever

you ALMOST got caught by one of the newbies and he was kabedon-ing you

he tries to play it off (since u were embarrassed too) but u know better,,,DO NOT LET HIM FORGET ABOUT IT he turns red and embarrassed every single time USE THIS TO UR ADVANTAGE !!

never goes into an elevator without you bruh is so attached to u n holds the doors open for you

but you have to open normal doors for him if he doesn’t know how it works (hint: manual doors. “why isn’t it opening on its own?” “sir, there’s a handle.” “but?? what does it do??”)

bruh acts like a dumbass sometimes so you can baby him :/// wtf man just because you’re rich doesn’t mean i’ll- ...wait...how much did you say…? that many zeros? HAND ME THAT FORK YES I’LL FEED YOU COME HERE- HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE BITCH

brings u to overseas trips and he spoils u too

no matter how much you insist that you’re ok he gives u a lot of luxurious items. “think of it as a bonus from me.” NOW YOU JUST HAVE A COLLECTION OF NICE SHOES/BAGS/JEWELRY AND HE LOVES IT WHEN YOU WEAR THEM TO WORK IT MAKES HIM SO HAPPY UGHHHHH

BRUH just a sugar daddy at this point “you have to look presentable for the next focus group so here’s a nice rolex watch” “sir, i don’t need-” “ah ah ah - it’s my treat.”

it’s pointless to refuse him but he still teases u for it like what???? “if i didn’t know any better, secretary, i’d say you’re just doing it for my money and not my fabulous looks and personality.” “exactly.” “hey!”

yall go for drinking parties a lot. whether with the whole branch or just the two of u

KARAOKE W KUROO AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK <333 becomes a ritual between the two of u

he’s so silly when he’s drunk lmfaoooo goofy ass mf

but that’s only when it’s the two of u. he controls his alcohol around others and his uncool side is only for u <3

also ur the only one he trusts to take him back to his place and handle him

it’s the other way around too - when u drink a lot he looks after you <333

you have a higher tolerance than him and sometimes u have competitions between the two of u on who can drink more but then yall always end up shitfaced

HES the one who has a crush on you

you know the drill - gaslight gatekeep girlboss

he’ll do anything for u but wouldn’t ever admit it he simp

offers u the keys to his estate and offers for you to LIVE with him

bruh just marry me already ok WAIT WE’RE NOT EVEN DATING YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT SIR-

he’s so awkward tryna confess to u,,,he may be this big hotshot ceo but he’s acting like a schoolgirl in love

probably prints u a confession when he asks u to go to the fax machine lmfao what a nerd

in other words ceo!kuroo is a nerd and you need to top him immediately get that bank

dog hybrid!bokuto

we are: owner

Husky-malamute breed!!! BEEG DOGGIE VERY HAPPY N DROOLY <333

OVERLY HYPER. JUMPS ON ANYONE AND U AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

he’s well trained i swear but the moment he sees something of interest then i’m sorry you just lost him

please if a robber came in he wouldn’t even attack them he’d just tackle them w hugs

he loves loves loves snuggles <333 u busy? nope!!! hug time!!! cooking something?? oo lemme see!!! whoops look at all those tomatos on the ground. u got a deadline coming up and u really need to focus?? CUDDLE TIIIIIIME- w-wait - huh?? why are u shoving me off?? do you - do you not - huh?!?! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME OUT OF THE ROOM?? NO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IDK WHAT EXAMS ARE BUT I WANT CUDDLES!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????!!!

the WORST things u could ever do to him is leave him and call him a bad boy

HE CRIES ON THE SPOT </3 HOW COULD YOU </3

soso bummed when u go out of the house without him </333 waits by the door patiently waiting for u to come back </333 sob sob

the moment he hears the door unlock he LEAPS and his tail is wagging like CRAZY

he is SO STRONG. almost always knocks u over whenever he jumps on u

destroys EVERY toy u bring him. u leave him for 5 seconds and there’s stuffing all over the floor and whatever u brought him is nonexistent

tugs on the leash when u walk so much that it SNAPS

loves romping w the other dogs in the dog park but he needs to tone down on his friendliness he almost killed a lil orange chihuahua

gets distracted by EVERYTHING. ooh, squirrel! oo, butterfly! OOO HUMAN CHILD!! MUST EAT!!!

ok while he might be friendly, he still gets super super jealous. you both were outside and u were petting the neighborhood black cat and bruh almost swallowed his head

which u thought was weird bc the two are normally friends and are pretty nice around each other

so now he’s more feisty around him and any other cat that’d get ur attention

If it was a person, then that’s another thing. He’d be very friendly at first but then slowly realize that ur attention is more directed on them than him. then he’d go ballistic

but when u scold him for practically assaulting the poor dude and call him a bad boy,,,he’s lost it

u have to lock him in the other room and he’s crying and whimpering, scratching at the door. all he wanted to do was protect u from that bad bad man who took away his owner’s attention !!!

def snarls at the dude next time he comes into ur house/apartment...dude never came back

“GRRR” “AAAA GET UR FRIGGIN DOG B-” “he don bite” YES IT DO GET UR-”

doggie bokuto rlly tries to be slick...it doesn’t work. like he tries to do that thing when he’s a total demon towards the guy but then act like an angel around u but it doesnt work bc he’s not smooth

doggie intelligence: 2 IQ. one time u got him a puzzle box and hid a treat in it but bruh couldnt figure it out just straight up monched the entire puzzle simply bc he smelled his fav bbq treat in it

speaking of intelligence - he only knows how to say a few words like ur name and incomplete sentences. speaks in barks and whines and sometimes a word

SO BIG THAT HE GRABS FOOD FROM THE TABLE WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING

u had some delicious beef steak? oh dear, where did it go? there’s ur puppy kou with steak sauce all over his lips

big fan of hiking trips, sports, literally anything that involves going out

he LOVES getting dirty outside playing. boi cant control himself from rolling around in the mud

hates baths at first but then he likes how u spray the water on him and giggles awww he likes bath time now

we all know he’s not the brightest pup of the pack but,,,he’s somehow psychic. he knows when ur taking him to the vet

HE THROWS A BIG FUSS ALL THE TIME - sometimes he tries to hide but his huge tail under the couch gives it away

and he knows when ur thinking of taking him on a walk. he also begs u to take him outside by settling his head in ur lap and pouting until u give him what he wants

he likes the big ol doggie sweaters/pjs u buy him...but he always ruins them. no matter how much u buy him, they’re all ruined. he complains how scratchy it is and it feels weird on him

knows LOTS of tricks but if u teach him more than what he already knows he will forget one of them he’s like a damn pokemon

he feels ur emotions :((( if ur mood is down his tail droops :(( and he gives u cuddles and tries to make u feel better

he even likes to make a fool out of himself and be silly if it makes u laugh :((( he’s so precious

in other words i love doggy bokuto

pirate!ushijima

we are: kidnapped

ah yes we’re are captives of the most fearsome pirates of the seas: shiratorizawa

just so you know, tendou was the instigator. he was all “let’s kidnap a noble’s kid and get the ransom money!” (whether you actually are a noble or not is up to you)

thing is, nobody’s willing to pay (if you aren’t a noble) or the pirates really pissed off the folks in charge and are now doing a manhunt

so yeah you aren’t going back anytime soon

but he’s a pretty good sport about it - very hospitable

he notices the little things u like and gets them for u <333 sighs <333

he saw you reading that book? wow look at that, there’s suddenly a stack of them and the same genre he saw you reading

but you definitely shouldn’t test him. he’s SUPER scary when it comes down to it

you saw how ruthless he was with the rogues that had dared to challenge him on sea

mf made them walk the plank

you help on the ship bc u wanna be useful and also shirabu keeps being mean

he asks u to teach the crew how to read cuz theyre dumb as shit and only know water and treasure

speaking of treasure - when he leaves u on the ship to explore a cave, he gets u really pretty jewelry <33 anything u ask for

“oh, welcome back captain. how was your mission?” “i brought back a few trinkets i thought you might like.” *reveals whole chest of priceless gems* “are they to your liking? if not, we can set sail for something else that might interest you.” “I-”

bruh got a pet eagle - u ask the crew and they dont even know how tf it happened

hell, even he doesn’t know how it happened wtf. “oh. one day it flew down to me and i fed it. that’s all.” wtf

equivalent to diluc’s bird - he didn’t even give it a name so he gives u the honors

U name him rigatoni (you got a great naming sense btw)

oh my god oh my god oh my god HE TRIES TO PROTECT U WHEN PPL WERE TRYNA INVADE THE SHIP

it was the first thing he did no cap - burst into ur room and scoops u up <33333

“what the-” “we need to get you to safety. we are under attack.” and holds u close to his chest AAAHSIDHFPSDHFN OH MY LORD YES

HAS THE TEAM GIVE U SELF DEFENSE LESSONS AFTER THAT

tendou tries to give u a sword but ushi says no “she could hurt herself.”

“but ushiwaka! we can teach her not to hurt herself” “...it’s my orders.” “c’mon, be more honest, ushiwaka! what’s the real reason?”

he goes quiet then looks at u “...i’ll always be there to help. she’ll have me.” AOISHSDHFSNDF

HELPPPPP SIOJFDSKFJP HES SO CHARMING AND HE DOESNT EVEN TRY

but the rest of the crew are like “then what’s the point”

but tendou sneaks u a dagger just to be safe

sorry ur apart of the crew now - but they’re like a family even if they did kidnap u

oh whatever your life before wasn’t as cool as this (no offense)

they are given orders to protect u at all costs

speaking of which - ushi isn’t all that great w guns

almost blew his own head off tryna figure out how it works before reon snatched it from him

he brings you with him to towns and cities and he likes taking u to the markets to get you stuff

ushijima tell me your love language is gift-giving without telling me your love language is gift-giving-

he finds out you’re pretty good at bargaining and brings you onshore a lot more

is mesmerized at how you absolutely BERATE the merchant who was tryna rip you off like sis where is this violence coming from??? he loves it??

he also likes to stop by some pretty islands and imagines just settling down in such a nice place w you <333 SIGHS <333 VERY <333 LOUDLY <333

no matter how much he likes you...he will NOT let you drive the boat under any circumstances </3 its his livelihood c’mon man

whenever you have to stay on the ship while he’s away he sends rigatoni to give messages and the two of u talk thru messages

speaking of which rigatoni is fierce and can definitely sink his talons and his sharp beak into any bastard that dares get near you while the captain is away

wakatoshi “swimming is for pussies” ushijima - he’s water resistant

bruh so powerful he walks on water

second coming of christ who

IM JUST KIDDING he does swim but we hardly ever see it

legends say (tendou says) he looks rlly awkward doing it and only knows how to doggie paddle

speaking of our homeboy tendou - he loooves spooking the team (and especially you) with scary stories . don’t worry tho - this is all a ploy to get the beeg pirate husband to comfort u at night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) he is ur wingman u can count on him. but his suggestions are ridiculous

“Jump off the deck and see if he’ll catch you!” um excuse me- THOU SHALT NOT PUT BIG HUSBAND TO THE TEST

he’s got good intentions...i think…

but everyone literally knows he would dive after you

in other words pirate!ushijima is a softie at heart but goddamn he probably secretly has a pet shark so dont test him or u goin overboard

mafia leader!kita

we are: associate from different group/family

kita highly respects u and yall have been acquainted since u were young with the alliance of ur families

so in a way ur childhood friends but yall do have lil bit of friendly rivalry a bit

arranged marriage whuuuutttt...yeah thats what happened but u love him <3

nobody else knows about ur arranged marriage but you two

POLITE GENTLEMAN <333 !!! HNNNNNNNN his granny raised him right even tho he’s a mafia leader

RICH BOY RICH BOY RICH BOY- ALWAYS DRESSES DASHINGLY AND SMELLS GREAT MMMMMM

he owns the majority of the underground casinos

and has lots of connections with others. countless, might i add.

you on the other hand specialize as an arms dealer so he cherishes your services the most

prob has the traditional tattoos allllll over his back and shoulders w like a dragon or sm and def a fox or kitsune

when u two were little he asked ur favorite flower and GOT THAT TATTOOED ON HIS BACK <3 probably secretly has your initials hidden in there somewhere

u both have a silent understanding of each other and he talks to u more than he does anyone

before he used to smoke but once he figured out that you didn’t like the smell of cigarettes he quit just like that

his underlings, the miya twins are so confused on how kita switches from totally brutal and ruthless to so soft around u

they can’t tease him for it, though, cuz he’d pulverize them

but they want to know more about u,,,you mysterious enigma,,,but kita would kill them if they dared asked about you

so they go to inarizaki’s most secretive informant/cyber mercenary, suna rintarou

and suna knows all about you. he saw you one time and he was curious about who you were and is now rlly scared of you because he dug too deep and you’ve got LOTS of history

he doesn’t dare tell the twins what he found no matter how much they bug him

until they bribe him at just the right price

and when aran finds out and tells kita?? ohhh boy it’s lights out for all three of them

oh my god ,,, would kill for u he loves u so much

one time you were kidnapped and held hostage

bro saw red

MAFIA ANNIHILATION SPEEDRUN ANY % NO GLITCH

he got world record time

wiped out the entire conglomerate behind it - nothing and nobody left behind after that

and of course, made sure you were safe.

yandere? ofc not...i mean...just look at him...so innocent...he would never...sharpening that knife...with splattered blood all over him...

is now joined at the hip with u,,,no matter how much you tell him you’ll be fine now and that you have tons of reliable bodyguards he won’t let it go

“don’t you have to go back to your place?” “this is my duty as both a fellow associate and your future husband.” aww,,,ur so sweet...but BRUH PLEASE GO HOME ARAN IS DOING EVERYTHING OVER THERE

makes sure to build a headquarters DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOURS so that its faster

and it’s not long until he just signs a deal to merge ur factions together (since yall getting married anyways)

and oh my god...ur underground wedding is SO SO PRETTY

absolutely DOESN’T care if he’s smuggling jewels from different countries - he’s having your ring CUSTOM MADE and the way you want it. “the diamond is too small? sure thing, darling, i’ll have it 7 times that size.”

makes sure everything is perfect in ur wedding <333 its very extravagant and even though its not really his style he’ll do anything for you

he absolutely WOULD take your last name if you wanted. FIGHT ME ON THIS

takes you to his private island for ur honeymoon so that the two of you don’t have to worry about work

meanwhile aran is scrambling around the place trying to cover for the both of you

he’s a VERY romantic husband - NEVER takes off his ring even for security. he says its practically a part of him just like you are <3

the ring has a built in tracker connected to an app. possessive? noooo...

in other words this escalated pretty quickly but i aint complaining if it gets me married to kita

--

--EXTRA EXTRA!! other characters’ roles!!--

officer!daichi:

karasuno squadron consists of:

cops: daichi (duh), asahi (mostly patrol, he hates confrontation), tanaka & noya (mostly accompanied by ennoshita), hinata & kageyama

investigators/detectives: sugawara, ennoshita, yamaguchi, tsukishima, kiyoko, yachi

surveillance: narita, kinoshita, tsukishima too

househusband!oikawa:

makki and mattsun are also househusbands

iwaizumi is a malewife fhasodjkasdhf-

ceo!kuroo:

lev is the newbie that walked in on u two-

janet still a bitch

kenma is his fellow ceo buddy. he also owns a multimillion dollar company and kuroo’s and his have a sort-of contract so you see him a lot in meetings

yaku is like one of the top performing managers so whenever yall have branch meetings he’s there

dog hybrid!bokuto:

kuroo is the black neighborhood cat bokuto almost murdered cough cough i did that on purpose yes i did

kenma is also another neighborhood cat. you don’t see him around that often but now that bokuto got jealous he stays far away.

hinata is the orange chihuahua i briefly mentioned

i couldn’t decide whether akaashi would stay human and be his previous owner or also be a cat/dog/owl. so lets say he’s ur human friend that is your bestie and comes over a lot. bokuto likes him, though. still gets jealous a bit.

pirate!ushijima:

tendou is practically is right hand man

the rest of the team have something to give idk how to explain pirate team members okay-

BUT BUT BUT- they do have sea rivals which are the seijoh pirates. you ran into them one day and oikawa thought you were kidnapped (you were, but you liked it there) so he tried to do you justice and failed miserably. ushijima ragdolled him into the ocean when he flirted w you.

mafia!kita:

the twins are something akin to mercenaries basically. or just plain lackeys.

suna is an informant/cyber mercenary. he gathers information about ppl which is how he knew about you. and he’s a hacker lol.

aran is his second-in-command, omimi + ginjima are his bodyguards

a/n: im going to regret posting this

[lovely-keii]

Lev Liking the Nekoma Manager

Meeting the Team:

so you were a first year

you were pretty focused on your studies 

but you needed a club

inuoka happened to be your seatmate in english

he needed a little help

bc wow i hc him like that dont @ me

he started to approach you more

one day, you decided to rant to him

“i hate that i need a club”

“you need a club??”

“uh yeah,,ANYWAYS its annoying bc-”

this mf practically dragged u to the gym 😭

“im sorry y/n but plese do it as a favor”

bitch?? you don’t owe him anything but ok

“i’ll buy you <you favorite food>”

“fuckin deal”

so when you stepped into the gym

btw inuoka told coach nekomata beforehand

dont worry u aint interrupting anything

ok so when u stepped in the gym

yamamoto screamed

HE LITERALLY 156 HERTZ TEEN GIRL SCREECHED

this man has never seen a lady in his life  😌✌

when lev saw u

plssss

he short circuited

his brain just went bzzzzz  💀

mans just fully stopped responding

so being the queen u r

u introduced urself

“hey, i’m y/n. i’m training to be the manager.”

pls u just killed lev

he was like

“oH SHIT IM GONNA SEE HER EVERY TRAINING HAHA FUCK.”

“I CANT DO RECIEVES PLS SHE’LL HATE ME”

“OH MY GOSH IS MY HAIR OKAY, WHERE IS ALISA WHEN U NEED HER.”

he was pale asf

mans was dying

Managing the Team

okay so its a bit better

yamamoto practically worships the ground u step on 

✨respectfully✨

lev learned how to keep his shit together

but istg his brain is like

“hdgdhdghdg y/n y/N Y/N Y/N”

help this man pls

u treated the team amazingly

even kenma warmed up to you

u would make sure that the team got enough rest

and that inuoka got the food that he promised 🙃💅

and when ppl would gossip abt them

queen pls

u ✨eradicated✨ them

one day, u were walking w lev to the gym

and ur heart was doing backflips

ma’am, u developed a crush on him i-

“oh my god, did you see the grey haired guy in the vb team”

“he’s so fucking stupid and weird.”

your head went ✨zoom✨ 

“excuse me, what did you say? mind repeating that? okay, no. look at me, both you bitches. i don’t know what you guys are doing here, but the team has actual work to do. so if you don’t mind, you two rats can scamper off to the basketball team and do whatever shit your half braincell can actually do, because it seems that decent human morals are too much of a stretch for you idiots.”

ma’am pop off ig

and you grabbed lev’s hand and dragged him away.

u were internally screaming bc

OH MY GOD U WERE HOLDING HIS HAND

yeah he was thinking the same

at this point everyone in the team knew u liked him

it was just a matter of how to confess

[yong-bokk]

all in ¹

pairing: special agent ! han jisung x reader

genre: frenemies to idiots to lovers fluff with a dash of sad

warnings: mentions of drug dealing and someone got shot

u are !! angry !!

no

scratch that

u are ヽ(｀⌒´メ)ノFURIOUS!!! ヽ(｀⌒´メ)ノ

ur pen magically disappeared from your pen holder. AGAIN

and this time it’s the new carrot-shaped one you just bought

٩( •̀ㅇ•́ )۶ ٩( •̀ㅇ•́ )۶ ٩( •̀ㅇ•́ )۶

u don’t need to be a detective to figure out the culprit behind this

bc it’s who else other than,,,,

“HAN JISUNG”

hyunjin, putting on his earphones: “here we go again”

“yes, love?”

GOD u wish u could wipe that cute stupid smile off his cute face

“STOP. STEALING. MY PENS.”

(○｀д´)ﾉｼ Σ(っﾟДﾟ)っ

u’re going to sue chan

why chan, u ask

bc “bickering with han jisung daily” was definitely not part of the contract he gave u when u decided to join the skz criminal investigation division

but here u are

shooting glares at the special agent sitting at his table across yours, filling in paperwork with your carrot pen

and that’s just how everyday is

he teases you all the time and takes ur things

you take revenge by stealing from his ‘secret’ lollipop stash

“STOP. STEALING. MY CANDIES.”

you, popping one into your mouth: “i literally don’t know what you’re talking about, love”

(ง •̀_•́)ง “u come near my babies again and i’ll FIGHT u”

he says that

but jisung always buys more of your favourite flavour

he'd rather quit than admit that to you though !!

the two of you bicker 24/7

and everyone else just wants you two to shut up and kiss

i mean

it’s not like u two hated each other or anything

hate is a strong word

and deep down the two of u know it’s all just friendly banter

and u know this because

there was this one time

u had to stay up late to catch up on the biggest pile of paperwork u’ve been procrastinating on

at god-knows-what-o’clock u decided to rest ur eyes

just close them for a couple of minutes,, right? (◍ᐡᐤᐡ◍)

wrong!

u ended up closing them for a good HOUR before waking up and realising that u

one: did NOT finish the pile of work u promised chan u’d hand him that day

and two: overslept and is most definitely very, very late to a very important meeting

u wanted to cry but fuck u didn’t even have the TIME to cry

just when u thought ur day couldn’t get worse

it suddenly rained hard when u were just 5 minutes away from the office

( ◞‸◟)

sorry reader

that day was just /not/ ur day

u stepped into the office shivering like one of minho’s kittens after a bath, drenched from head to toe and creating mini puddles wherever u stand

u barely sat down when jisung threw something at u

honestly u were about to yell at him but then u saw

?????

he threw u his hoodie

and sweatpants

and also the warmest towel

and u just sat there staring at him bc ur last half of a braincell was: surprised

“hurry up and go change before u catch a cold, dummy”

u would’ve smacked him for calling u a dummy on any other day

but u made ur way to the restroom and changed

jisung’s hoodie felt way better than the soaked dress shirt you had on

it he smelled nice too

u’ll never know how chaotic his heart became when he saw u waddle back to ur desk looking like the absolute love of his life in his clothes

han jisung on the outside: ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎

han jisung on the inside: ⁄(⁄ ⁄>⁄ ㅅ⁄<⁄ ⁄)⁄ AKJSDFSDFASKDJ

u also don’t know this but han went to chan that day and asked him to let u off the hook for being late that day

he also asked for half of your paperwork

but this one u found out

bc u bumped into him walking towards chan’s office holding a stack of paper with a bright yellow post-it on top of it

and your name written on said post-it

“is that,,, my paperwork?”

…………

“,,,,no?”

“han jisung”

“alrightyeahmaybe…..”

“u-u did my paperwork for me?” (˃̣̣̥^˂̣̣̥`)

“don’t think too much of it, i was uh- i was just bored WAIT WHY ARE U CRYINGKSJDF”

that was a one-time thing

but yeah u definitely don’t hate jisung

and u’re pretty sure he doesn’t hate u too

even if u purposefully annoy each other on a daily basis

“i hate paperwork”

“yn if u say that one more fucking time i SWEAR-”

“u’ll do it for me?” (◕ᴗ◕`)

“U WISH”

:(((((

hyunjin: “okay shut up lovebirds. i have good news and bad news, which one do u want to hear first”

“good….?”

“good news !! you don’t have to do paperwork”

＾ワ＾) “and why is that?”

“bang chan is assigning u on another undercover case”

“that’s not bad news hyun-“

“-with jisung”

＾ワ＾) ?????!?!???!?!?!WHAT

u physically can’t even be together with jisung for longer than 2,5 seconds without start bickering with each other

what does he MEAN chan is assigning u two on an undercover case

“which part of ‘i’m assigning u and jisung on an undercover case’ do u not get”

“IT’S LIKE U DON’T EVEN KNOW US CHAN”

“listen . it’s a one-shot mission and i’m sure the two of u won’t fuck up. me assigning two of my best agents for this case is a well-thought decision”

( ´•︵•` )

ok so the case

a new club recently opened in town

and it’s currently the most popular one bc the owner is a very famous millionaire and has his famous guests over all of the time

however

there has been a couple of reports asking the officials to check for some suspicious activities going on inside

the reports seemed valid considering how details from different sources matched with each other

but the police can’t just barge in and do a thorough check

bc the one who owns the club is kind of a big deal

so ;—;

u and jisung

dressed up in the prettiest fanciest celebrity-like fits u own

in u go

it didn’t take the two of u long before u gathered up information

all u had to do now is catch them in the act and get rock solid evidence

it was supposed to be a simple fishy drug trade in a very fancy club’s private bathroom

from one of the stalls u got clear view of everything happening

but u weren’t paying attention

one second u were done sending the pictures to hyunjin

the next second u heard jisung yell ur name and suddenly someone’s on the ground ( ｡ _ ｡ )

turns out that someone barged in, attempting to shoot u but jisung got to him first

but they both didn’t miss

jisung took a bullet to his shoulder instead of u

from then on

ur body autopiloted and everything else was a blur

u helped him apply pressure on the wound as u requested help

guilt swallowed u whole when u saw him wince a little bc he thought u weren’t looking :((

the ambulance came and chan and hyunjin followed not long after

u just let them move jisung onto the stretcher and followed silently, not letting go of his hand

:(( jisung thinks seeing u like this hurts more than his wound does

“it’s okay, i’m okay. it’s not ur fault, yn”

he gave u a smile and squeezed ur hand but u know he’s just saying that bc he doesn’t want u to feel bad and worry

if it weren’t for bang chan asking u to stay for a couple of statements,

u would’ve gotten into the ambulance with jisung

(๑•́ ᎔ ก̀๑)

but u went to the hospital right after

u waited outside during the surgery and u saw him for a little while when he was still asleep

u haven’t seen him again since then

the next few days jisung was in the hospital, everything felt so… empty

the office felt so empty without jisung

u didn’t even know why u kept staring at his table

it wasn’t like he was going to pop out of nowhere

but (´•̥ ᵔ •̥`) u wish he would

hyunjin followed u everywhere and made sure to drag u away from paperwork for breaks and lunch

felix made u ur favourite batch of cookies in hopes u’ll cheer up

lee know even came in with two bags full of ur favourite snacks

“he’s not dead, yn”

but u know he was worried too

the office was just so gloomy without jisung

u can’t believe u’re saying this but u miss him

u miss bickering with him

u miss his stupid laugh when u yell out his name

u’d even let him steal all ur good pens if it means he’s going to be okay and come back

:(

by the end of the week, chan finally had enough

“yn u know u can’t keep doing this to urself”

“do what”

“come on, if there was one thing u hate the most it’s paperworks and u've been throwing urself into that without a single complaint.. it’s honestly quite concerning”

･o･ “u… called me in bc i wasn’t complaining about paperworks?”

“we both know why u’re here >: and i’m not talking to u as ur chief, i’m talking to u as a friend >: ”

……..

“i just miss him so much…. and it’s my fault, chan, it’s my fault he got hurt like that and he kept saying that he’s okay but-“

u felt bad for bursting out to chan like that but he was the one who cornered u first so >:

u walked out of chan’s office eyes puffy and although the others probably heard, u still hoped they don’t see u like this

u were about to dash for the restroom and hide there until ur eyes de-puff but

“i didn’t know u’d miss me this much”

?

???

?!@#$*(!@#$)!&@#%

u whipped ur head so fast and there han jisung was wearing his cute stupid smile

normally u would’ve thought of a snarky comeback already

but seeing him there right in front of u after a whole jisungless week

and after ur little breakdown session with chan

u couldn’t help but burst into tears again and hugged him like he was going to disappear if u didn’t hold him tight enough ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

jisung bit his lip to hold back a wince but couldn’t help and let out a little hiss when u bumped into the bandage on his shoulder

“i-i’m sorry”

u pulled away a little feeling bad for hurting him but he had u in his arms once again, holding u just as tight

“i’m perfectly fine, see? i’m not going anywhere, u can’t get rid of me that fast”

(´ •̥◡•̥ `) jisung smiled so wide when he heard ur tiny giggle

his babey ! no longer sad !

god knows how long the two of u stayed there hugging

until u heard someone clear their throat

that someone being chan

“i’m sorry but can u hug somewhere else, i really need to go”

bonus:

“wait u’re already discharged from the hospital?” (• . • ?)

“i heard u missed me and i can’t let my baby miss me any longer”

“han jisung-“

“i mean, i can’t say i didn’t miss u too-“

“U STILL HAVE UR HOSPITAL BRACELET ON U DID U RUN AWAY?????!!!!”

“……..i? discharged? myself?”

hhhHHHHhhhhh

[guqin-and-flute]

Cave Adventures: I’m Pretty Sure They Just Got Married [Episode 6]

[TRANSCRIPT BELOW]

(1)

WWX: AAAAAH FUCK

(2) WWX: PJJAISDFJASOA ah jeez it's up my n O S E how does ariel make this look good?

(3) LWJ: oh no it's just him and me AND THE GAY THOUGHTS u can't run from gay thoughts in an enclosed space wangji u IDIOT

WWX: oh fuck it's really up in there all up in my brain-case that's cold as shit my brain is a fucking slushie rn

(4) WWX: kind of a weird place for a first date

LWJ: shut up

WWX: i guess it's nice that it's sparkly did u decorate it urself

LWJ: shut UP

WWX: sort of an obscure wet t-shirt contest, huh

LWJ:[slightly overrunning end of sentence] SHUT UP

(5) Fancy qin: hey mtv and welcome to my crib

LWJ: it's very uhhh...wet

(6) LWJ: oh thank god a distraction

WWX: lan zhan hold me i'm cold and vulnerable and stuff i'm shivering invitingly and everything

LWJ: i can't i lost my...hands shit

WWX: ...this is lame :(

(7) WWX: lan zhaaaaaaaaaaaan why are u ignoring meeeee stringed instruments are NOT more interesting than my whiniiiiing on a more serious note, i cannot feel my feet

LWJ: are u a magical wish granting zither if so pls help i am running from gay thoughts their name is wei ying

Fancy qin: lol

(8) WWX: here i come! devastatingly cute delightfully disheveled devilishly moist (?) boop de doop S U B M IT  T O  M Y  C H A R M  D A M M I T

(9) Fancy qin: N O P E begone THOT

(10) WWX: #casual drowning

(11)

LWJ: ngl that was some funny shit i think u actually made me grow a sense of humor just by eating shit so hard just now congrats thanks zither

Fancy qin: ur welcome

LWJ: dammit he's even hot when he's drowning fuck let the exertion of repression of your extremities

(12) WWX: FULL OFFENSE UR STRING THING SUCKS ASS THIS DATE IS TERRIBLE

LWJ: not a date not my string thing i fully support its choices tho also shut up

WWX: fuck u man

Fancy qin: u sure about that wangji

(13) Fancy qin: kiss_the_girl.mp3 volume: 100% bass: +10

(14)

WWX: oh sweet, that means i AM ariel

LWJ: dammit magical wish granting zither i thought  u were on my side turns out u had an agenda all along a gay one what am i supposed to do, tell him how i FEEL? repression is one of the 3,500 gusulan rules it's why our cultivation is so powerful

(15) WWX: oh hey look rabbits

LWJ: what the fuck

Rabbits: we're rabbits!

LWJ: yeah no i get that but w h y

Rabbits: well ur gonna need witnesses for ur wedding, right?

why...are we rabbits?

what are u asking

(16) WWX: damn this is a weird proposal but i am INTO IT a marriage??? for me????

(17)

LWJ: UGH. FINE.

WWX: yaaaay! :D

(18) Headband: fwip fwap fwoop

WWX: Pikachu i choose u

LWJ: those are ur VOWS??

WWX: yeah what are urs?

LWJ: i vow to never let u fall off any cliffs even if u want to

WWX: that's weirdly specific

(19) LWJ: THERE. HAPPY?

WWX: ye :)

LWJ: yeah me too actually fuck

LWJ's hand: hand clench of questionable repression

(20) LWJ: gotta go pay our respects to the magical wish granting zither granting wishes i didn't even know i had or was maybe desperately trying to run from who knows it's a mystery

WWX: eeeeeeee eeeeeeee it's so pretty look at it eeeeeee eeeeeee

(21)

LWJ: oh random cave zither thank u for opening my eyes my heart and my wallet to this man beside me

Fancy zither: ur welcome bb

WWX: i mean...i take more credit for being tenaciously persistent but

LWJ: u mean obscenely annoying

WWX: potato, tomato oh sweet what does THIS button do?

(22) LWJ: u stop that retract thine hand, wretch

WWX: what an incredibly phallic way to stop me, honey

(23) WWX: fuckin rude

LWJ: magical. wish granting. zither. old as balls. clan heirloom. touch not

WWX: well i'm clan now so the rabbits said

(24) WWX: ok i won't touch it... i'll just TOUCH IT

LWJ: LITERALLY STOP WHAT IS WRONG WITH U we've been married for 17 seconds and i already want to tie u up and not for the right reasons no fuckin touchy, bro

(25)

LWJ: I ' M gonna touch it

WWX: how is that fair

LWJ: complain to hr

WWX: of marriage??? i'm telling ur brother ur being mean to me

(26) LWJ: OH HOLY SHIIIIIT

(27) WWX: what did u experience?

LWJ: seagulls.

WWX: that's...weird. is this something that happens...regularly?

LWJ: yeah wei ying i regularly have bird related hallucinations i'm not huaisang

(28) Walls: rah rah rah we are the walls of expositional historical murder!

LWJ: OH GOD NOW THE WALLS ARE SHOUTING pls tell me u hear that too

WWX: holy shit this is a weird date

(29) Lan Yi: yeah, i can hear it

(30) WWX: what in the freezer burned HELL

LWJ: did that zither just...talk?

WWX: no it's a random lady

LWJ: that's WEIRDER

(31) Lan Yi: hiii i'm your semi dead ex clan leader and these rabbits are my roommates i gave them little headbands aren't they cute? pls help i'm so lonely

Rabbit: rude

(32) WWX: this is fucking wild is this where all the ladies are? u guys keep them in caves? that doesn't seem very ethical

LWJ: well when we leave them out in the open, the plot gets them and they die

(33) Lan Yi: u guys are cute weird choice for a honeymoon, tho

WWX: first date too, actually if u don't count illicit dueling

LWJ: yeah the lava pits at the nightless city cancelled our reservation so

Lan Yi: hate it when that happens

(34) Lan Yi: anyway, i became all corporeal and shit to show u this this rock is evil as fuck. it didn't used to be but now it is and that's a problem for everyone who likes living including rabbits

LWJ: shit we gotta save the rabbits wei ying

WWX: well and everyone else, right? ...lan zhan everyone else too, right??

(35) WWX: listen what if we got it some therapy rock therapy some good ol' geological counseling like showed it that it could change and be a good rock again or at least an okay rock

(36) LWJ: ...ok i know i vowed to support u

WWX: u actually said something ominous about cliffs but ok

LWJ: but i literally think u gave me an aneurysm just then that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard anyone--

(37) Lan Yi: funny u should mention that actually i had the same thought

LWJ: ...my god

(38) WWX: cool!

Lan Yi: it ended with me spitting up blood and living as a semi-corporeal crazy rabbit lady without my wife she got the mountain in the divorce

WWX: oh...so no?

Lan Yi: yeah, no

LWJ: YEAH NO

(39) Lan Yi: u should deffo go find the rest they start acting real fucked up around each other might feel like a heart attack might BE a heart attack idk just wander around a bit u'll get there

(40) WWX: ...cool

LWJ: what in the hell sort of directions are those

(41) Lan Yi: yep! well anyway, now seems a good a time as any to evaporate so i think i'll just...do that don't forget to feed my rabbits or i'll leave u a 1 star review on ghost yelp

(42) WWX/LWJ: MA'AM?? MA'AM? ? U DIDN'T TELL US WHERE WE'RE GOING ISN'T THAT STANDARD QUESTING MATERIAL?? PLS RESPOND

Lan Yi: nope. git gud have fun with ur new evil rock congrats on ur marriage

BONUS WUXIAN:

[here are more irreverently summarized scene bits]

[mannatea]

finally some meat

“all that returned of him that day were his sword and his armor...” okay but then he’s not dead actually that’s video game logic IF YOU DON’T SEE IT HAPPEN IT DIDN’T HAPPEN OKAY RODRIGUE 

is he,,, the death knight lol

“i said something horrible to felix” bro did you tell him you wished it were him instead???? PLEASE SAY YOU DID NOT SAY THAT TO HIM HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE KID WTF

“i’m just a failure of a man” well at least you can admit you’re flawed

thank GOD for fast travel around this place or i would hate it. like it’s literally a necessity or the game would be tiresome af, especially with repeated play.

“i’m here for you” maneula ur the best

hey hanneman i hate to tell you this, but my power is literally rewinding time to like, make up for my idiot mistakes it’s just that those things are things you don’t remember having experienced so yeah idk how to tell you that but also i feel like i proooobably should not tell you that

seteth x flayn C is weird after the timeskip... feel like this should be worded differently at the start. anyway, seteth...u mean well so i guess that counts for something.

gilbert x byleth B = hey at least gilbert is over here admitting he abandoned his wife and daughter. anyway “as i grow older, i find myself talking endlessly about the past.” man i feel this in my soul. 

felix, please continue bullying dimitri, he’s the only one here who deserves it. rodrigue, shuddap, your son is right

to the brIDGE

deDUE MY SON!!!! UR OK i love u

wtf gilbert “maybe i’m not a total waste” BRO don’t say things like that about urself

rip ferdie and lorenz

lorenz sure did get a glow up tho

dedue welcome back my boi i missed ur niceness please put a leash on that idiot animal you call a king

did we just invite the enemy into our base. wtf

[peterthepark]

I just read 8k of Peter and reader playful banter with a whole lot of denial so I'm in the mood to write a long af comment but first - thank you so much for the response on my last ask! It was very sweet of you to call me a talented writer and that was big given that I consider you a really talented one -

Back to the fic - flustered Peter out of the suit whenever reader would compliment Spider-Man gets me every time because for one, there's the cute moment when he feels appreciated but also the second-hand embarrassment.

I can also see begin again!Peter holding that over the reader once the truth is revealed and (hopefully) they get a happy ending - "You thought I was a DILF." "Oh my god - that was one time!"

This is probably stupid, but the breathless part? I loved it so much. I am a sucker for things that get reiterated in a different meaning and light, may it be positively or negatively - I eat that shit up, and you did it so well on this second part.

And don't even think for a second I missed the big potential for angst in this! You won't fool me with your playful banter and hilarious back and forth between these two dorky idiots. I have my eyes on you because the reoccurring Gwen angst and the denial is giving me so much angst vibes ma'am.

I can't wait to read more of this series but I unfortunately have so much work to do, so this will gladly serve as my self-care reading break in between doing works bc the amount of serotonin I got while reading this was delicious - probably could've used a better word but ehh,

I am immensely enjoying it so far and I'm gonna end this ask by appreciating your writing - you are honestly incredible and I loved every minute spent reading those almost 8k words!

Hope you had a great day, or will have one (time diff things), lovely! <3

im going to print this out and literally put it in a frame U R SO KIND!!! thank u for allowing my writing to take up some of ur free time!!!

also the angst part… u got me there but for now my lips are SEALED! im so excited to hear more of ur thoughts on this series, messages like these really keep me fueled and inspired which im sure u can relate to as a fellow author :) and the peter DILF thing… so true bestie u read my mind

i appreciate u to the moon and back, love!!! take care of urself! 💐💐💐

[literaphobe]

another reason to limit the amount of white people associated w amigops/otv and friends is the stuff that’s come out about ash recently :/ like yeah people can learn and grow etc but if you’re still dropping slurs in your late 20s and casually racist even tho so many of your cc friends are poc... girl

ok im about to GO OFF im fucking pissed about little miss cigarette tray,,,, ok i’ve gotten a ???? vibe about her before a :/ vibe n it’s all the way back in rust group forming when i thought she was being a lil manipulative. n the shit she did caused so much annoying shit that literally could’ve been avoided

okay so rae corpse ash n sykkuno bump into toast n jack’s group, right? and they were all like we should all be together in one big group!!!! but then they were like wait what’s the group limit what if we don’t have enough space,,, and then they start experimenting n adding each other i guess? n it turned out they had space for everyone but one person (iirc?????) and ash suddenly was like oh it’s okay i’ll leave!!!! u can all be grouped together i don’t need to be in the group!!! n other stuff that was like v self destructive sounding n like oh no it’s ok no one wants me here anyway etc and syk was like ???? because literally no one had any plans to leave ANYONE out they were literally just trying to figure things out n suggesting ideas and she was over there tryna be the self sacrificial hero i guess?????

and then. people in chat got really mad and toxic hating on rae and sykkuno in their chats yelling about how ash was being forcefully left out or whatever which wasn’t the case at all n wouldn’t have been if she didn’t give that impression??? and then RAE thought that ash was GENUINELY getting excluded which made her ACTUALLY mad at her friends?????? who did nothing wrong???????? and then like weeks later when they talked about this ash was like “oh actually i was super upset about getting left out :/ but it’s all good now!!!” like GOD. NO ONE WAS TRYING TO LEAVE YOU OUT. U LITERALLY IMMEDIATELY STARTED ACTING LIKE SOME SELFLESS VICTIM N REMOVED URSELF WHEN NO ONE TOLD YOU TO LEAVE?? anyway at the time i gave her the benefit of doubt that she wasn’t doing it on purpose since i thought she was ‘nice’ but u know what? it’s a fucking ugly look that a white woman got a bunch of streamers of color hate for “bullying” her and “excluding” her when she was literally the one who chose to walk away n act selfless WHEN NO ONE ASKED HER TO DO THAT

anyway now that i’ve got that off my chest let’s talk about her racist ass comments in her community discord. she essentially made a bunch of anti-asian remarks, specifically many anti-chinese ones (1. i had Chinese food earlier maybe that’s why I feel sick lol 2. making fun of Chinese people for supposedly eating bats 3. calling corona the bat soup virus 4. continuing to be grossed out by what Chinese/Asian people supposedly eat and being all ‘oh maybe i’m just weird w food tho :/‘ n letting people get away w responding to her saying ‘Asians eat a lot of weird stuff no no u r fine!!’ + ‘Chinese people n their food bruh’ which. just. i am very disgusted 5. ‘guys my cup was made in China am I corona infected’ + some other stuff i’m too tired to recap here look at this twitter link)

she also talked about how the BLM protests were.... stupid..... and called people idiots for protesting......... said there was ‘a right and wrong way to protest and this is wrong’ and ‘it’s not like we just can’t have police officers’ ,,,,,, so yeah. and she also said the r word and she called someone the f slur on stream once and uh..... yeah she sucks!

honestly the shit cherry on top of this shit sundae is that she literally profits off asian aesthetics w her anime bitch ass v tuber thing n other stuff on her stream n her twitter handle is literally SUGOI_ASH??? also like otv n friends is a mostly Asian friend group who propelled her lily white ass to success???? she mooched off the success of streamers of color only to say racist ass shit like this???

anyway. she “apologized” by saying “I GUESS i’m sorry for being ignorant n I’m sorry IF YOU WERE OFFENDED. ANYWAY–“ and moved the fuck on and like just. fuck off w that shit. it pains me that she managed to get a larger following from all this in the few months she’s hung out w otv n friends and sydney a black bi streamer literally has less followers on twitch? like what the fuck is up with that make it make sense??? anyway i hope everyone unfollows ash tray n follows Sydeon on twitch instead :-)

also idk how many people in otv + friends know about this. i highly doubt there will be a dramatic kick out of ash from their friend group if it becomes a thing they all know about. i think ever since they kicked out f*dmyster they’re a little traumatized about having to publicly remove anyone from their circle in general? because many other streamers n content creators will jump on it and comment on it very heavily and make them all very vulnerable n i def don’t want that or expect that either. i hope they play w ash less from now on tho? some people commented that in the corpse lobby yesterday it seemed like people weren’t interacting w ash as much? idk if that’s really the case but i will respect whatever they choose to do if they even know what happened,, i guess if i see her show up in future lobbies i’ll just like ignore her lol

[sinkingwmyships]

General MDZS modern (AU?) headcanons

(I’m not sure if this can be considered a full-fledged modern AU? so let’s just call it modern hcs.)

(I haven’t finished the live-action or the novel, so most of my knowledge comes from the donghua. pls forgive me if the canon stuff is wrong asf ;_;)

the Yunmeng Jiang siblings all have little silver bells as cellphone charms, and they basically jingle wherever they go

Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji (ofc) still plays the xiao and guqin, bc their family is traditional and wants their sons to be connected to their roots

which seems to be cool w/ both bc damn if they aren’t godly on those instruments

Wei Wuxian takes up the flute as a joke bc he wants to impress LWJ (“his brother plays the xiao and he seems to like his brother so if I play the flute he’ll like me too right?”), but ends up being so mfkin good at it for some reason

which annoys the hell out of Jiang Cheng bc he can’t music for shit

he can’t even cook

he’s asked Jiang Yanli many times for her help but “the kiTCHEN JUST WON’T COOPERATE WITH ME HELP I GENUINELY CAN’T DO THIS”

supportive JYL “what do u mean ofc u can oh no JC did u cut urself again”

LXC, the next day: “JC what’s wrong w your hands, why do u have so many band-aids on” JC: “I’m fine” WWX: “he was trying to cook, y’know I always tell him he’s gotta master it soon bc it doesn’t look like he’s gonna have any girlfriend to do it for him” JC: “shUT UP”

LXC: “it’s ok JC I can cook” JC: “what (//∇//)”

JC is ambidextrous (lowkey canon if you watch the donghua)

JYL owns a cooking channel on youtube, and is hella popular bc she cooks so well and everything just looks so nice and ~aesthetic~

her fans often asks how she can be so cute even when literally only her hands can be seen on screen

sometimes Wen Qing joins her (she has a home cafe channel) and they make baking videos which are just heaven for their fans

Jin Zixuan is usually their featured guest (aka lab rat) but he doesn’t mind bc 1) the food is always so good and 2) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who knows? but the fans ship him and JYL

WWX and LWJ co-run an instagram account for their rabbits. the posts are mostly videos, only in 3 forms: ASMR of rabbits eating while LWJ calmly & silently feeds them; WWX playing with them and getting even more excited than the rabbits themselves; and WWX bringing the rabbits along to witness whatever shenanigan he’s about to get LWJ involved in

WWX: “welcome back everyone today i’m going to leave a rabbit in JC’s bag and see how he reacts” LWJ: “Wei Ying you’re just torturing the rabbit” WWX: “don’t worry JC loves animals to death it’s fine, besides we can ask your brother to look out for it” LWJ: “… fine”

LXC agrees (!!)

“What why is there a rabbit in my bag” “No no stay in there” “Don’t come out I’m busy oh my god you idiot I almost stepped on you” “Xichen do you know where this thing came from??” “I gotta w o r k can you please just hold it” “Fuck it looks hungry is it hungry? Do you know?”

LXC: “No?:3??”

JC: “... I feel so bad, let me go buy it some food”

(the rabbit is returned to WWX and LWJ later by LXC, safe and sound)

Wen Ning always carries around colorful cartoony band-aids. you want it? he got it.

some of them even make it onto JC’s hands once in a while, but JC threatens WN into promising he’ll never tell WWX

both WN and WQ are extra scary when they’re sleepy/tired/moody

WWX calls JZX “Young Lord Jin” as a joke and it pisses JZX off sooo much (but JYL laughs at it so like whatevs it’s all cool :’D )

part 2!

[misterbitches]

Dude yong jie’s character is literally unbearable this is like how not to write a vharacter 101

Our first intro to him is stalking, then PUNCHING someone in the LIVER bc the person he “loves” was fucking drunk and he blames his best friend? Then his mom is like “lmao actually um hes psycho” so anything they try to do retroactively like how they peppered in HIS DAD DIED A BLOO BLOO but previously it was also his OWN MOM going “im afraid he’ll lose his humanity” so not only was there no breathing room then it’s bumrushing him into their lives as best friends and it doesnt work. This dude sucks and he isnt even fun to watch. You know how breaking bad has one of the most abysmal main characters of all time but all of us were fucking ENGROSSED but the show made it clear that every enemy he faces, even the DEA, we want THEM to win (it is also a class analysis but woreva) so i am like wtf they show us literally nothing here. He’s just there. Wasting space and being awful. What is the purpose of his character in ssu’s life? Once you rape someone it is fucking over full stop but he didnt even fucking manage to start off in any compelling fucking way. Absolutely bonkers dude Esp bc theres at least a base moral code ie DONT HARRASS GIRLS UR “INTO” and thats why mei fang the absolute mad lad beaut was like “lmao nah i hate u”

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?????????????????????????????????? WHERE IS THE WRITING HERE? WHAT IS THE SCRIPT? awhat is the PROGRESSION? This is such an insanely fucking dumb plo5 point i rly cannnnjnnntoeiwijshsgsgsgsgsgsgeggwiwowiw GORL

Lets talk abt the good things in the characters (theres none for yong jie hes just there being a little bitch)

Li cheng - himbo dumbass “manly” cutie and the manly stuff is fun cos it gets heaped on and yet every bit of him can be extremely “feminine” and jubilant. Great.

Muren - seems >:O but i rly like that hes actually pretty open in his own way. Side note: he is so thin and willow-y i rly loke tall pretty boys (and all women lmao) and he doesnt do it for me but He suits the character like his body and the way his character is. Also u gotta be weird and he is

Hsinng ssu (girl im never gonna learn how to spell their names it’s too much work cos the eng alphabet andnromanization is terrible) - mild mannered, good son, a homosexual confirmed confirmed g”(awesome!) great friend, good brother (and i guess his reward is being raped, great message!) and someone ppl like

The establishment of the three of them and their distinct personalities happens within minutes and then we meet

Yongjie - what about him? He may have an MI, okay, but we dont know for sure and oh gee that doesnt matter actually bc u have to get urself treated and also not be terrible. Not even psychopaths do the shit he does BC THEY HAVE TO GET HELP. Why the parents didnt get him help and are just realizing their son is terrible? Who knows . His purpose seems yo be “boy obsessed with brother like his actual brother” i dont care id they arent related in that way bc that’s not the fucking crux of incest and it is so insanely Fucked every thing to do with incest is almost always a disgusting powe r issue. WHAT PURPOSE DOES HE SERVE? WHAT DO WE ONOW ABOUT HIM OTHER THAN HE IS A FUCKING JERK AND AN IDIOT AND SUCKS AND I HATE HIM AND THAT HE WANTS TO STALK AND ATTACK THIS REALLY AWESOME FUCKING DUDE OK

There’s no returning point deom rhe line they croased byt theyb set him up for failure. Even in the fight hes a fucking cheater hes a goddamn immature rat they know he fucking sucks but he just sits there and waits for everyone else to move around him. A fucking selfish prick with nor edeeming qualities snd hes also a violent rapist stalker. Really great that thry have no clue how to make this dude actually have any humanity or likeability. Hes the man from 365 days basically except not even that hot and at least he kidnapped her but “WAITED” for “CONSENT” but in that movie’s world nothing mattered and it was bad and the point was to have a horny movie. But this show is for younger ppl and also IT HAS RULES AND IT KNOWS WHAT BAD ACTIONS ARE???? Soooooooooooooo in all these other dumb salacious books there seems to be just a mutual agreement that it’s fucked up but totally normal i their movie’s universee (it isnt and it is still just bad filmmaking)

Also it is up to yong jie to figure put how to get over it and understand that his brother is concerned for him. Bc it is. His brother. There’s a reason that incest is never advisable and thays bc there is no way in that situation that people aren’t somehow being coerced. There has to be a sort of split in the pursuer and the person being pursued bc one person is not thinking that way. (This is why people who find out they are related after the fact and havent grown up together is something thatms really unfortunate. They had no idea and they have to grapple with that but that is another scenario and it happens bc THEY DIDNT GROW UP TOGETHER.) i have experienced this from a (not immediate) fam member and i was the vulnerable one, had less powr, that is how it must go.

Thats why the power imbalance is scary and none of this is acceptable but it begs the question how did they get to this point? But the show doesnt even address that bc they cant bc theyre not original. And power imbalance does not mean automatic absolutely not territory. Theres things we dont like (in my casee i hate age gaps a lot) but i will avoid that.

I havemt seen “right or wrong” and i have no desire but from what ive garnered from ppl i like who liked that episode, the show outlined the moral issues with it. Idk if they did it in a way i would have preferred (again no desire) but at lesst from what ive heard it...tries? Idk i dont see the need for these if they dont give us a reason why these ppl should be together and there’s several lines that cannot be crossed that were. Basically it’s like stockholm syndrome now and there’s no choice for him, it goes beyond power imbalance and “legality” so to speak and now it’s just entrapment.

Theres not even avoiding or enjoying. Even for MODC as stupid as i found the secondary rship and negligent even like ok. Fine. Whatever. His boyfriend is 100 but at least it was semi agreed upon. It is what it is, go forth. I will criticize it but at least it was the story and as stupid and gross as i think it is and they will probs break up (idc what the show says) at least there are set ups that can make us see “why” it works and oh, gee, their whole rship relies on a different fucked up but at least at some point it could possibly be transcended. The foundation of youngjie is “rape entrapment and aw now they are in lvoe” BITCH NOOOO???? Where is the REASON? And why should we root for them? (There is none and when the Thing happens it is now impossible for that not to be absolutely foundational to their rship lmao and that is never something that goes away.)

I would like to say theres nothing romantic int he flashbacks i know thats what theyre trying to twll us but the actor is 30 and that child is like 8.

Im not missing the point bc i see it with my eyes and it sucks. If you cant even write the character well then how do you interest something heavy and work out the links? The only solution is yongjie dying i mean fucking off forever and hsing ssu not letting him into his lifeXni doubt we will get that but at the very least they cannot end up together and that will be their crowning fucking achievement over the waste of time bullshit plot this was. Imagine actual conflict that wasnt so deeply fucking traumatic and, oh, again WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? They fucked up SO FUCKING BADLY. This gives people the wrong idea about how these things work. God he is truly a shitty character and his ass isnt even fat so wtf bitch why am i here!

[cosmosrival]

👀 Does Kama like to peg Ash? 👀

u know what... ? u know what ?

KamAsh headcanons (AND NSFW HEADCANONS) time!!!!!! i don’t care anymore i had fun writing the kama*master ones 

so have these !!!!! might also become a character analysis and trivia because i cannot stay consistent when im talking about them !!!!

reminder bfore i start: ITS FINAL ASCENSION KAMA. NOT THE OTHERS. 

ok we’re good now

i think kama tops by default in every relationship they’re in, but their true strength resides in the fact that they are vers. and i believe that ash is ALSO vers. because flustered kama is a luxury and super cute and delicious and BECAUSE YOU WOULDNT LET YOUR GOD OF LOVE TOP YOU ???? ARE YOU SURE ??? YOU WOULDNT LET URSELF BE PAMPERED BY UR GOD ? ARE U REALLY SURE ?

ash is very cute because he’s gap moe, his respect for parvati shows that he’s not just a rage machine and can very much think normally like ur regular gold hearted delinquent anime boy !!!! god i Love him... anyway, i think he respects kama enough to look out for them and worship them like a proper God!! i believe that ash would call kama things like ‘your divinity’, ‘your grace’ (and if u have some jp knowledge, i think he’d add “-sama” to their name) because they... are god? (i think arjuna and karna also call them like this !! polite mahabharatan warriors are good boys)

since ash never married in the epic, i like to think that it’s because he was very much focused on his duty and ALSO because his participation in the war was out of loyalty towards king dhritarashtra and hastinapur so he was... perhaps planning on getting married once the war Ends ??? HE WAS OUT THERE FIGHTING !!!!!!! but we all know what happened to him (sheds a tear) 

anyway i think he’d be a bit of a masochist. (the room falls silent and you all look at me)

SORRY THAT WAS VERY HARDCORE ALL OF A SUDDEN but hear me out, FIRST OF ALL this man was able to endure an immortality curse until lord krishna eventually decided to free him so he’d join the throne and SECOND OF ALL, in his interlude he speaks of looking for ways to repent because he regrets what he’s done. and since we’re kinky over here, i’m gonna throw gentle femdom in the mix bc i think it fits them and its cute. especially because kama is literally the best person he could apologize to. and the only person who’d make his repentance pleasurable (because its their mcfreakin talent !!!!!) even if it technically wasnt his fault, i think his need to atone would just... overpower that and he’ll want to do anything kama wants, just to earn a crumb of forgiveness (without being desperate about it because... HES GOT AN EGO STILL, COME ON)

i like to think that he’s tried to apologize properly before... in a tense moment when they’re both more calm and alone. but kama stopped him because it’d just make things worse. if kama loses the need to have a grudge, will they even be useful as a servant anymore ? would they forgive themself for being so lenient ? forgiving their murderer’s protégé when they havent even had proper revenge ? kamadeva might have been a benevolent god before, but now they’re a lot more malicious (mara...) and this pointless anger would just make them look like an idiot (because servant shiva doesnt exist (YET?)). and i think ashwatthama would understand. 

so he won’t say the words “i’m sorry” because it’d just hurt them. 

THO WILL HE STOP LOOKING OUT FOR THEM AND SPOILING THEM ? no he will not

kama would find him interesting because he’s perfect bullying fodder but as i said before, it doesn’t work on ash. HE’S A WARRIOR ??? A CURSED IMMORTAL ? DO U THINK THAT PETTY PRANKS LIKE THE ONES KAMA DOES WOULD AFFECT HIM ? “are you bored ?” he asks while they’re trying to surprise him from behind and jumpscare him, without even turning to face them. kama groans in defeat.

SEDUCTION DOESNT WORK ON HIM EITHER AND THATS SO FUNNY but thats where it becomes subtle, he grows attached to them because they’ve gotten used to eachother’s presence (and strength in battle... small things like that). love can be born out of simple things!! blatant bimbo seduction doesn’t work on him but when he comes to wake kama up, and they’re too lazy to get up or float and groggily order him to lean forward so they can hold onto his shoulders so he’ll lift them up when he straightens himself is...

he’d find it cute. they’re cute. when they reach the cafeteria it’s still quite early and he already knows what they like to eat and get their plate ready for them while they’re waking up and yawning. god... they’re cute... its so subtle and cute...

......ok time to be horny !!! (TOMATOES GET FLUNG AT ME)

i think that they’d reach this stage after a while, when kama just gives up on bothering him cuz he’s annoyingly strong (and ganesha is more fun to bother anyway) and since they’re around eachother very often, kama would grow comfortable around him. same for ashwatthaman ! they’re very nice to be around when they’re calm and just chillin. 

the only teasing kama hasn’t tried on him is being openly horny and come onto him, asking him things about himself. and ash revealing that he’s never done these sorts of things before (HES A LIL MAD CUZ ITS EMBARRASSING ... DAMN... !!!), i think it’d give kama ideas. I MLAUGHING TYPING THIS BC I DIDNT THINK OF HOW THEY’D COAX HIM INTO GETTING NAUGHTY YET AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A BAD PORN INTRO AHHHHHHHHHHH

ok yeah like i said i didnt think of the coaxing yet but knowing ash, kama could turn it into a competition and make fun of him a little and he’s ready to go. arrogant dummy. 

he’s polite but his arrogance is a charm point because he’ll def want to prove himself to the god of carnal love. imagine kama’s reaction when he actually outfucks them.

HONESTLY ? I BELIEVE HIS WARRIOR STAMINA WOULD JUST BE INCREASED ONCE HE BECAME A SERVANT. AND KAMA WAS NEVER A WARRIOR theyre a lavish and lazy god.

BUT THEIR EGO IS WOUNDED and their shocked reaction is cute and ash wants to keep holding them for a little longer

their sessions genuinely feel like hatefucking at first since they’re both weirdly competitive like that but then, guilt hits and kama feels like an idiot because they just came onto someone thats supposedly their enemy??? and they’re a bit distant in the aftermath, they almost... look a little shy. 

ashwatthaman isnt beating himself over it as much as they are tho. it felt good, he got to see a new side of them he never thought he’d get to see so intimately and... he outfucked God :) SO HE IS PROUD. but looking at them lying there, breathless and looking all sad worries him. so i can see him leaning forward and spooning them, holding their hand and kissing their fingers and it’s such a soft gesture, kama stutters and asks “Where.. where did you learn to do that.” and seeing their reaction, Ash blushes as well and explains that he saw his father kiss his mom’s hand once???? AND ITS... SUCH A CUTE AND OBVIOUS REASON. kama feels dumb for asking but it makes them chuckle. 

and i think seeing someone who constantly looks so tired and depressed, have a genuine little chuckle would melt ash right there. i think he’ll want to see more. 

AND FROM THAT POINT ON, i think kama would also get used to this... intimacy they start to share. when he wraps his arms around them he always hugs them in this protective way, as if he wanted to shield them from something. and when he holds them like that, they always feel the need to wrap their legs around his waist, hide their face against his neck and Allow him to cuddle them.

they both have an ego u know aha. so if u openly ask them about eachother, they’ll get embarrassed and shut u down. IT’S... IT’S NOT LIKE THAT (sweats)

it is. it is like That. 

ANYWAY THEYRE BOTH VERY VERSATILE and ash is pretty much into everything kama could teach him about. like i said earlier, he’s also fine with being manhandled, mostly the feeling of kama’s nails gently pressing against his skin, or being bit. i think he’d be into getting a lil feral.

a mutual once said that sexually liberated ashwatthama is hot as hell and i feel it in my bones.... kama coming onto him after a particularily short mission that got ash angry but not enough to let out some steam --> they get pounded into the mattress and they live for it because riling him up when he’s like that is actually really fun.

OBSESSED WITH THE BOTH OF THEM SLOWLY SEEING IT AS A GAME AFTER A WHILE... 

OH ash bottoming is also very cute. his first times would be awkward but kama is a pro at this anyways and i’m finally going to answer ur ask: YEAH HE GETS PEGGED !!!!! he finds out how excited he gets when kama calls him a good boy !!! and he never knew that he was into these sorts of things but holy shit it feels nice.

when kama gives him his first blowjob he almost loses his mind

what i really love about kama is that they can see how tense he gets, even if he’s having a great time, and i know they’d teach him how to relax. EVEN WHEN THEY’RE RIDING HIM, they’ll massage his pecs and his shoulders, set the pace and squeeze down on him just to hear him moan. stare at his surprised little face because he didn’t know he could make THAT kind of nois e ? ? ? ? ?

HE’S EMBARRASSED but he doesn’t want them to stop

OH YEAH i wanna come back on the whole masochist thing (I GET SNIPED), him getting repentance and being punished through sex is both very liberating and hot as hell, especially when it’s kama. ashwatthaman moaning ‘your divinity’ like it’s a prayer is also hot as hell !!!!!!! IDK i just think that they can both get very intense, and also last a while, until they’re thoroughly SPENT.

...and leave room for softness. kama gently brushing his wet hair behind his ear, leaving him breathless and a little shy. they then lean in to kiss him and he immediately melts into their touch. but then they bite his lip. and he ... he Likes it but he could almost pout.

time to get a little angsty (i lock gazes with you) i think that after a long while of sharing such a relationship, ash would almost say The Forbidden Words in a daze. and kama deeply kisses him so he stays quiet. and they’re just staring at eachother, until kama tells him that he’s not allowed to say it. and if he does, it’ll almost be a betrayal towards shiva AND themself. they’ve grown impossibly close but neither of them can say Those Words because they both feel like they’ll break something.

also bc they both have huge egos.

but i think that deep down they really want to say them. 

another variant of this is kama wanting to make him admit it, have him say Those Words. but because of his blessing and respect towards lord shiva, he cannot. both because of the guilt and that it’d end up feeling like a lie, even if his touches, his kisses and the way he looks at kama screams otherwise.

BUT REE WHAT ARE THE FORBIDDEN WORDS

"I Won't Say (I'm in Love)" Hercules (1997).

is this enough of a clue ;;);)););;;))))))) HAAHA

THEY HAVE SO MANY LAYERS TO THEM ITS UNREAL

anyway shower sex hot !! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

i also think that them mutually jerking eachother off is hot as all hell and ONCE AGAIN, flustered ash who doesn’t know what he’s doing (at first) is cute !!!! cute !!

ashwatthaman LEARNING from kama is also a big fave. they’re abt to bathe in kama’s luxurious bathtub they had master buy for them and they’re removing their earrings and he silently leans forward and bites their ear and suddenly their face is red. god. huge dummy god of love. i love them soooo much its unreal

THEIR DYNAMIC IS BASICALLY.. I WONT SAY IM IN LOVE but still look at eachother like they’re newlyweds everytime they get intimate and (sheds a tear) i think theyre super married

GOOD GOD .......BODY WORSHIP IS SOMETHING THEYRE BOTH HEAVILY INTO ALSO. both giving and receiving, even if kama is a lot less obvious about it and a lot more smug.

oh, i think ash would be the loudest between the two !! THIS ONE WAS OBVIOUS. hearing him like that would also coax kama into making more noise as well so its win-win 

ok to be honest i think i should draw porn of them being soft like... THERES DETAILS I HAVE IN MIND THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO WRITE DOWN IN THE HEADCANON FORMAT and i’m too nervous about writing fics (looks away) but i have things to draw.

ANYWAY I THINK THIS GOT VERY LONG ????????? SO IM GONNA STOP HERE. IF U MADE IT THIS FAR: THANK U FOR LISTENING TO MY BRAINWORM !!!!