#gonna try to be more productive art wise this year and post more maybe

[masuku-chan]

Happy new year everyone!!!

[hummingbird-games]

Dev Daries

Feb 3, 2023

IT’S (me again announcing) BLACK HISTORY MONTH AYYYYYYEEEE!!!!!!! 

Okay, some updates of the Crushed variety???

[image ID: a screenshot of the Itch.io page for the visual novel Crushed. end ID]

There are a few things I’d like to tweak before making the page public this weekend, one of them involving 1-2 more/different screenshots. Maaaaaybe some cute little graphics made via Canva?? But I’m starting to get an idea of the visual theme for this project. And it’s happening a lot faster than it did for HSD 😂

[image ID: a screenshot of a cell phone with an ongoing text conversation. end ID]

If this conversation looks familiar, that’s on purpose. I just want to bring your attention to what I’ve accomplished since last time LOL! All that’s left now is to replace the white bubbles with a different color, which is annoyingly not simple??? I also keep putting it off because that requires making A Decision. And I’m decision-ed out 💩 

As y’all are aware, this is for the Black VN game jam. The original plan was to have a small enough project that could be done by or before Feb. 28, but this thing kind of ballooned and I’ve scaled back to “release 6-7k word demo with completed art and graphic assets, music, and text”. 

As of the time of this post, the full 20k something words are coded. I can technically play through the whole thing including the three endings and it’s quite a thrill. I cannot wait until y’all get the same opportunity!!! (Ending 2 still makes me sob like a baby, wheeeeeeeee!)

The plan is to have the game out Summer 2023, but that is dependent on 1) how fast the art is finished (because ya girl is thinking unlockable CGs, but also there’s the sprite art which ahaha is the highest priority...ugh) and 2) how I’m doing health wise. But I will keep y’all posted, and of course I’ve got fun things to share as we wait for the full game to release!

CGs might be up in the air but...voice acting is a thing that’s happening??

Just tonight I had my first live direct with a voice actor y’all and now I see why so many game devs become addicted to incorporating it?!?!? (It’s partial VA so don’t get too excited but get a lil excited because the finished product is gonna sound so cool.)

At this point you’ve maybe seen the character reveals?? Or you’ve seen me Crying On Main and missed the self-reblogs 😭 y’all, I did not want to do a m!MC game!!!! I even went as far as making a post saying I wouldn’t make a BL game (note to y’all, back up ya shit AND never say never). But one of my unwritten mottos for this studio is to tell stories. Tell the stories that won’t let me know peace until they’re out.

And Crushed wouldn’t have worked with an f!MC. And I quickly found out it this story wouldn’t work unless it was bi Black boy. 

the biphobia out here is something I’m going to fight until I’m 6ft under

Black boys and their stories are not a monolith, and I’m sick of teen media being written for adult consumption while disrespecting the teen demographic

one Black teen is going to play this game and it’s my hope, my desire, that they will feel less hollow inside when they finish...

So anyhoo. That’s your update.

If you’re looking for my “special brand” of game reactions and uncensored thoughts, I promise I will make the side blog public sometime 😭 I’ve been switching energy to books and I’m still trying to prove an author I adore wrong! When I asked her how does she balance gaming and reading, she looked into the camera and told me ‘you don’t’ and I hate that years later she’s still right...

And that’s that! I’m off now 🤪

- Gemini

P.S. I still plan on doing the bad endings for An Everyday Love and making it everyone’s problem, and that’s like half the reason I’m dragging my feet, so forgive me 

[gukyi]

for you, anything | ksj

summary: in the popular online multiplayer game, kingdom, you are the top-ranked knight with money, fame, and power. in real life, you’re a graphic design geek who’s got a very unsubtle crush on her gorgeous coworker, kim seokjin. but when you’re suddenly dethroned from the first place spot in your game, you and your kingdom character embark on a journey to reclaim your title, and learn on the way that things are not always as they seem. 

{friends to lovers!au, enemies to lovers!au}

pairing: kim seokjin x female reader genre: fluff, comedy, fantasy word count: 21k warnings: alcohol mention, brief and non-graphic descriptions of violence, this is basically two fics in one so you get double the fun and double the word count!! a/n: once again, a massive, massive thank you to @aurawatercolor for commissioning me!! you can find her on twitter as well under @btspresso_!! she’s the genius behind this enemies to lovers and friends to lovers seokjin fic wrapped up into a nice package just in time for the holidays!! you ever seen a fic with e2l and f2l together? that’s right, i didn’t think so. enjoy!!!

check out the post-script drabble here!

♚ HERE ♚

“Oh, shit!”

From twelve feet away comes the sound of these three things in this order: fingers furiously mashing keyboard keys, wheels of an office chair swiveling angrily on the linoleum floor, and a war cry. All of which could either belong to a video game world championships in a big-city stadium or your simple, office of two-floors in a more-than-one-hundred-stories skyscraper based in graphic design and media for small start-up companies. 

“I can’t tell if Photoshop crashed again or if you’re playing that weird online multiplayer game again,” Yoongi grumbles from across the way, where he’s gnawing on a Clif bar in one hand as he mindlessly taps his mouse with the other. 

“Please,” Jimin says, carelessly waving a hand. “Don’t act like I haven’t caught you watching My Hero Academia multiple times this year while we were supposed to be doing work, you absolute piece of toast. But if you must know, I was in fact playing Kingdom.”

“I’m going to tell Namjoon,” Yoongi says with zero emphasis, because everybody knows that Namjoon’s got dirt on everybody in the office anyway (including Yoongi) and that if you try to expose somebody else to him, he’ll expose you back. It’s colleague culture. 

“And what’s Namjoon gonna do? He already knows you carry a flash drive of illegally-downloaded animes with you wherever you go,” Jimin retorts casually. He’s not wrong, and you can confirm that Yoongi indeed carts around a USB drive in the shape of a pineapple that has 64GB of anime. 

“What do I know?”

Namjoon comes trotting into view from the corridor that leads to the gender-neutral bathrooms with glasses hanging from the collar of his sweater vest, a clipboard with nothing attached to it in his right hand, and a steaming cup of jasmine tea (he hates coffee and declares this publicly at least three times a day) in his left. 

“You know that Yoongi—”

“Has been doing his work the whole time you were in the bathroom so you don’t need to worry about him,” Yoongi interrupts quickly. 

Namjoon shoots both Jimin and Yoongi a suspicious glare, but moves on. He’s got enough blackmail on the both of them to bury them into the next calendar year, but he’s wise, and he only uses it when absolutely necessary. “Just doing checkups on you guys before Boss Man calls me back into his office and gives me a pile of over one hundred hours of work I’m supposed to do in a forty-hour work week.” It’s been obvious from the moment you were hired that Namjoon does the most work out of anybody in this office, including your boss, and gets very, very little from it. 

“You don’t even have any paper attached to your clipboard,” Taehyung points out rather unhelpfully, from where he’s been drawing hearts on the cheeks of the Surprised Pikachu meme he’s taped up on the wall his desk is pushed up against. 

Namjoon looks down at his clipboard like it just spit mad fire at him, furrows his brows, and lets out a sigh equivalent to three years worth of pent-up aggression. “Shit.”

Jimin cackles from his computer. 

“Whatever, I’m still going to do checkups.” Namjoon takes the pen from behind his ear and writes himself a note, presumably to get paper for his clipboard later. “Jimin, you’re still working on that website layout for the art critic and photographer. Yoongi’s on coding for that search engine that we all know is never taking off but is still paying us. Taehyung’s on marketing because he’s got the most charming voice and Hoseok and Jungkook are on media production for the indie movie company. Y/N and Seokjin, you guys are on clientele and coding. Everybody good before I go get more paper?”

“Yes, Tiny but Large Boss Man,” Jimin says, and it’s enough of a confirmation to send Namjoon scurrying down the corridor again in search of paper as everyone else returns to their prior business. 

“Y/N?”

You turn around from the font website you’ve been browsing for about half an hour to find Seokjin standing behind you, an earpiece in his ear and that charming smile on his face. It’s the same smile he gave you on your first day on the job when he was introducing himself, same smile he gives when he meets clients in person, same smile he gives Namjoon whenever the man is about to have a breakdown. It’s a friendly, personable-but-universal kind of smile. The kind models need. The kind that Seokjin has mastered. 

“Hey, Seokjin,” you say, only just then coming to realize that Seokjin is much closer to you than his voice originally implied. You’ve rotated 180 degrees in your office chair and he is hardly a foot away from where your feet are. It’s a lot. Seokjin is always a lot. In the best sort of way. “Is anything the matter?”

“No, just wanted to check in and see how the project was going for that one guy that wanted a nice advertisement to put on Angie’s List,” Seokjin says, leaning down to look at what you’ve been doing. 

“Oh, well I’ve been browsing this font website for ages and I still can’t find a nice one for the sub-heading. All of these are too flashy or difficult to read,” you say, beginning to scroll as you and Seokjin both look for one that you like. 

“Hmm, I see what you mean,” his voice sounds like honey and if you had any less dignity you’d let the chills send shivers down your spine. Luckily, you know how to maintain your composure in an office setting. And you also know that Yoongi and Jungkook would never let you hear the end of it, ever. “Oh, how about that one?”

“This one? Rose Quartz?” You ask, pointing to it. 

“Yeah,” Seokjin says. “It has a nice flair that matches with the font for the business name, but it’s still easy to read. It would probably look really nice with a crisp shadow behind it, don’t you think?”

“Maybe you’re onto something,” you say, clicking to read the fair use and copyright. 

“Couldn’t have done it without all the hard work you’ve put into this,” Seokjin says, standing up and shooting you another one of his famous smiles. “You’re the best partner anybody in this tiny media production and design company could ask for.”

He leaves without bidding you farewell, but it’s enough to have you staring blankly at your computer, contemplating existence itself. Sometimes, a little part of you wonders if Seokjin only treats you like this and none of your other coworkers, but then you immediately remember that Seokjin is naturally charming and that he probably speaks to newborn babies in the same way.

Yoongi wheels over to your desk from where his is, smirk lacing his features as he chews on another, different-colored Clif bar. 

“Ever heard of a personal bubble?” You ask snarkily, because you already know why he’s over here, and so does he.

“Why aren’t you asking the same question to Seokjin, hmm?” Yoongi taunts. He’s know about your dumb crush on your coworker (of all people, your coworker! A fellow employee!) for months now. He isn’t being any more helpful whatsoever. 

“Go watch your pirated anime,” you grunt out, too overwhelmed with the way Seokjin smiles at you to really give Yoongi your full attention. “I have nothing to say to you.”

“Sure, but I’m not Seokjin,” Yoongi says. Then he wheels away and you’re left staring at the Rose Quartz font, whose sample text reads: This was meant to be. 

At least Namjoon doesn’t know.

It’s midnight on a Tuesday, and you’re just about to turn off the lamp on your bedside table and get some well deserved weekday-night shut eye when your phone begins to blare, a disgustingly ugly picture of Jungkook’s face appearing on the screen.

You stare at your phone like it’s personally offending you (which, if Jungkook’s face is anything to go by, it definitely is) before you turn off your ringer and close your eyes. Jungkook can wait. Very seldom is he at the top of your list of priorities.

Barely five seconds after you’ve put your head on your pillow, your phone begins to vibrate, this time even angrier than the last. Aggravated and a little concerned—because Jungkook never, ever calls twice—you pick up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Y/N! Something crazy just happened!”

“I hope so, otherwise you wouldn’t be calling me at midnight on a work night,” you grumble into the phone, monotonous voice a stark contrast to Jungkook’s easily excitable one.

“Have you been on Kingdom recently?!” Jungkook asks, and you practically see his eyes bulging out of his head in front of you. One of your youngest coworkers, it’s moments like these that remind you why he bears a striking resemblance to a university student—up late playing video games even on a work night—despite having a couple years in the workforce under his belt. He keeps telling you that he wants to go back to school and get a Masters in something, but he isn’t sure what yet. 

“No,” you tell him like it’s obvious, because it is. You typically begin to wind down your night around ten, which means that anything that’s happened on Kingdom in the past two hours you are thoroughly unaware of. “Can’t this wait? Kingdom’s fun and all, but I really do need to sleep.”

“But Y/N,” Jungkook says with a whine, insisting that you stay on the line, “someone beat you! You’re rank two, now.”

If Jungkook’s loud voice and jumpy attitude didn’t wake you before, you’re certainly wide awake now.

“What?” You ask, shocked. “Just now?”

“Yeah, like fifteen minutes ago! I don’t know what happened,” Jungkook says sadly, lost. “I was dueling with another knight when the horns and banners appeared on the screen and said there was a new top player. You’ve been dethroned!” He cries out like it’s him who’s lost their place. 

You’re fumbling out of bed, making a beeline for your desktop computer across your bedroom. Normally, you’d be ashamed about how high-school you’re behaving around a video game, but you’ve invested an embarrassing amount of time and energy into Kingdom, and you’ll be damned if you think someone else can outdo you. 

As you’re logging onto the game, Jungkook continues to wail into the phone. “I don’t even know who this person is, I feel like I’ve never seen them before! I mean, they must be really good since they practically appeared out of nowhere, but still! I’m a decent player so we must have crossed paths. Maybe I just don’t remember…”

Sure enough, the moment you open your screen the horns blare and the banners appear, congratulating a different player on achieving the top rank. You watch helplessly as the celebration fades on your computer before the leaderboard appears in the top left corner, your name a sad second place. 

“Who’s JK0901?” You shout into the phone, earning an exasperated sigh from Jungkook on the other end. You scowl at the name that’s knocked you off your pedestal, before narrowing your eyes to look at it more closely. “JK? Is that you, Jungkook? Are you just calling me to make fun of me for beating me? Don’t disrespect your elders, Jungkook.”

Jungkook gasps like he’s been accused of murder. For people that take Kingdom as seriously as you and Jungkook, it may as well be. “No! What the heck, Y/N, you know that my username is KookieMonster97, for God’s sake. Accusing me of being the best, how could you?”

“You should have just taken the compliment,” you frown into the phone, “Now all the girls are gonna know you aren’t, in fact, the number one Kingdom player.”

“Fuck, you’re right,” Jungkook mutters. “But it’s not me, I swear. You would have received a very different phone call from me if it was. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have even told you and then ruined your day in the office tomorrow. So it’s not me.”

“I can’t tell if I’d be more or less angry if it was you,” you admit.

“Why, because I’d finally have something to hold over your head other than my unwavering youth?” Jungkook taunts. Definitely still a university student at heart. 

“No, because it means I’d have to hear the entire office praise you for a day, and I’d rather permanently pop my eardrums,” you tell him informatively. Jungkook has enough of a head. You actively try to not do anything to enlarge it unless he wholeheartedly deserves it. 

“I love our coworker chats, you know,” Jungkook says. “Whoever this person is though, I bet they’re receiving bucketloads of praise for knocking you off the top spot. You’ve had it for like, three months now, haven’t you?”

“Yes,” you tell him through gritted teeth. “I’ve put my blood, sweat, and tears into this game and look how it’s repaying me,” you grumble, staring down the Kingdom home screen. 

“JK0901 probably did a ritual sacrifice to beat you,” Jungkook supplies unhelpfully. 

You sigh. Whoever they are, they proved that they are just as good at Kingdom as you are, a veteran player with an embarrassing several years of experience under your belt. In fact, they proved that they’re better than you. 

♚ THERE ♚

It’s cloudy today, which means that more of the market stalls are out on the main street. You pass by them on your way to the castle, vendors calling out to you with promises of apples, jewelry, and perfumes. 

You’ve got money to burn and your responsibilities can wait a couple of minutes, so you indulge one of the stalls and purchase a couple of apples. One should give you a bit of energy now, and the rest can be roasted later for a better meal. 

“Miss Y/N, off to the palace?” The vendor asks. From how much you frequent this part of the kingdom, every artisan, farmer, and merchant alike knows your name. That, and the fact that you’ve amassed quite a group of followers from your daily knightly escapades. 

“Of course,” you respond happily, paying the merchant with a couple of silver coins and then some, just as a thanks. The extra money helps the farmers raise the quality of their crops and allows them to earn more for their efforts. It also boosts your standing amongst the townsfolk. “His Majesty requested my presence for further instructions on fortification, most likely. But I’m just honored to be recognized.”

“As you should!” The man responds dutifully. “You are our best knight, after all.”

“Please, you flatter me. When the work day is done, go home and feed your children well, alright?” You ask, giving a firm nod to the merchant before you’re on your way. As you stroll down the stone-paved path, other vendors call out to you, hoping that you, too, will indulge in their finest clothes and trinkets on your way to the castle. 

Maybe another day. 

You take a hearty bite of the apple as you head towards the palace, a satisfying crunch ringing through your ears as the townsfolk nod and bow to you. It’s easy to figure out that you’re the top-ranked knight in the kingdom, with badges of honor pinned to your torso, ink black armor clinging tightly to your body, and red sashes tied around the black ones on your wrist, signifying approval from the highest ranking military official in the kingdom: the king himself. 

The guards at the palace gates step aside as you nod to each other, bowing courteously. You repeat this process several more times as you slowly proceed towards the throne room, where the King (and maybe the Queen) are likely to be waiting for you. They had increased their security at every door frame after an attempted assassination several months ago, which you (with the help of other high-ranking knights and castle officials) discovered was a plot orchestrated by Their Majesty’s second-most-trusted advisor. 

Finally, you reach the golden arches that signify that you’ve arrived at the most expensive room in the entire palace (save for Her Majesty’s bathroom, which, though you have never been inside, is rumored to have a golden bathtub and sacred water from the River Blancheur, over two thousand miles away. But you cannot confirm nor deny.), threatening red doors slowly creaking open as the King and Queen come into view. 

They’re sitting on their thrones, as per usual, but they aren’t the only ones in the room like they normally are. Instead, there’s another knight, as equally decked out as you, standing before them, arms crossed behind their back. 

“We hope that you can wear these honors proudly and do your duties with pride,” the King says regally, deep, thick voice echoing throughout the room. 

“I will stop at nothing to ensure this kingdom’s greatness,” the knight says back, just as formal. The knight gives a long bow, red sashes around their wrist dangling towards the ground. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think you were being replaced. But of course, that’s not the case. 

“Oh, Y/N,” the Queen says happily, noticing your waiting right in front of the closed doors to the throne room. “Prudent, as always.”

“I aspire to please,” you say with a bow. The King gives you a warm smile, one you’re willing to bet that this other knight isn’t often on the receiving end of. 

“Your timing is impeccable,” the King says, ushering for you to come forward. You do so, taking calculated steps along the red carpet, woven nearly two centuries ago and maintained ever since. “We were just congratulating Sir JK on his recent accomplishments in the Black Forest.”

“Of course,” you say with a nod, refusing to turn to your left so you can stare down this Sir JK for yourself. “The military made groundbreaking strides for our kingdom there.”

“You are the first person to know this, other than him, of course, but we’ve decided to appoint him as the Head of the Royal Knights of the Kingdom of Kalar,” the King says proudly. 

It takes everything in your willpower not to let your mouth drop open. You blink rapidly, making sure that you aren’t in a daze nor still asleep. Sure enough, you’re wide awake and your ears and eyes seem to be working perfectly. The knight next to you is taking over the highest position a knight can hold in your kingdom, one that even you haven’t been given. 

You’ve been replaced. 

“What an incredible honor,” you say, body stiff. You can practically feel the ego of the knight next to you radiating off of him. It makes your nerves twitch. 

“I think so as well,” the King says proudly. He has, luckily, not picked up on your sudden mood change. “So, I’ve called you here to appoint you as his second-in-command.”

You bow graciously at his words, ensuring that, despite your bitter attitude, you are still thankful for this opportunity. Mostly. You are mostly thankful for this opportunity. 

“I’m honored and grateful, Your Majesties,” you say, head facing the carpet. “I would rather die than let down my kingdom.”

“You two are to work together closely,” the Queen advises, words that make your ears bleed. Oh, wonderful, now you have to work hand-in-hand with the person that stole your favor with the royal household right from underneath your feet? You can think of nothing more enjoyable. “Your cooperation alone will ensure the utmost safety and security of this kingdom.”

“We shall do better than our best,” the knight beside you says. His words make your eyes roll back into your head, but you’ve been a bigger brownnoser in your past. You can forgive that, even if the man next to you radiates an energy you’d rather not surround yourself with. 

“I’m pleased to hear it. Your training and work together begins now, so do not hesitate to get to know each other.”

You and him take one baited breath each before turning to each other. You both bow out of obligatory respect, which satisfies the King and Queen well enough. And as you come up, you catch a glimpse of each other’s eyes. His are dark, rounded pupils. They’re hiding something. 

You’re determined to figure out what it is. 

“Call me J,” the knight says the moment you’ve stepped foot outside of the palace. The setting sun shines dimly on the main road, and many of the vendors are beginning to pack up their belongings in order to head home. 

“Okay, J,” you say suspiciously. Everything about him unsettles you slightly. Perhaps it’s the fact that behind the armor and the mask and the badges, he’s extremely good-looking. Or maybe it’s the fact that he swiped the top-ranking knight position right from your fingertips. It must be that. “It’s baffling to me that we haven’t met yet. If you’ve been in such high favor with the King and Queen, then I must have seen you somewhere.” You wonder if he can hear the bitterness lacing your features. You sure hope that he can. 

“I guess our paths just never crossed,” J says, taking a bite out of a peach he just purchased from a farmer’s daughter, who was watching over the stall as her father haggled with another vendor. You watched as he winked to the girl as she gave him two peaches for the price of one. “I’m more on the ground than you are, am I not? You spend much of your time strategizing in the castle.”

“You don’t know what I do,” you huff out. He finishes the peach and wraps up the pip in a piece of cloth from his pocket before tucking it away. There is no place to dispose of it on the main street anyway. 

“Don’t I?” J says with a sly grin, one that makes you want to kick him in the shin and push him into the grass. “Everyone knows what you do, Y/N. You were the King and Queen’s favorite.”

The way he uses the past tense doesn’t go unnoticed by you. 

“But, as it seems, being on the battlefield outweighs directing it from above,” J says. He keeps his eyes off of you and his head held high while your gaze focuses in on him out of pure fury, just another way to hold his newfound superiority over your head. Five minutes next to him and he already seems to know how to push every single one of your buttons. 

“So it seems,” you say bitterly. 

“You and I really must get along, Y/N,” J says casually as you begin to stray from the hustle of the main street. Neither of you seem to have a particularly clear destination in mind, only a path that must be taken for the sake of the greater good. It’s only the prospect that if you do well enough, you’ll impress the King and Queen and regain your favor with them that’s keeping you from socking J in the face and dashing off, taking his second peach with you. “We’ll be spending lots of time together.”

“Doesn’t that sound like the bee’s knees,” you mutter to yourself. For the greater good. 

“Should it not?” J asks innocently. It makes you want to wipe that smirk right off of his face, that knowing tone in his voice. “I certainly don’t have a problem with you, Y/N. Do you happen to have one with me?”

He asks it because he knows that whatever you say will incriminate you. He knows that if you say no, you’re a goddamn liar, and that if you say yes, you’re weak. Weak because you’re admitting that you can’t handle spending time with him even though you have to. Weak because you’re showing him that he has power over you. 

“No, of course not,” you say, plastering the fakest smile on your face. Two can play at this game. “In fact, would it be alright if I had that other peach? I’m absolutely starving.” You can be civil. If he can, at least.

“Sure thing,” J says, unwrapping the peach from the woven napkin the farmer’s daughter gave him.

You reach out to take it from him, but in the blink of an eye his hand dangles it over your head, too far out of reach for you to grab without losing all of your dignity in the process. 

“What do we say, Y/N?” He asks sweetly, like a parent disciplining their child. God, everything he does absolutely aggravates you. 

You take a deep breath and close your eyes. Perhaps you aren’t on the front lines as often as he is, but you sure know how to fight. Maybe now is a good time to remind him that you received the same training he did. 

“Please?” You ask, just as saccharine. 

“As you request, Y/N,” J says with a bow, finally handing it over. 

If this is what the next several months have in store for you, you wonder if maybe sinking down to a lower ranking might be worth it after all, especially if it means you’ll never have to see him and his bouncy hair and dark eyes again. 

You take a bite into the peach. It’s sour. 

Just your luck. 

♚ HERE ♚

When you walk into work the next day, a hush falls over the room. 

It’s not even as if the entire office has been quiet so far this workday, not as if the clock struck nine o’clock and everyone decided to start a competition to see who could shut up for the longest amount of time. 

(For the record, if anyone were to win that competition, it would be Yoongi, who usually only speaks either 1) when spoken to or 2) to let someone know when they’re being dumb via insult. The first person to lose would be Namjoon, because his job description is to boss people around. And he’s awfully good at it.)

The elevator door dinged on the twenty-third floor and you could hear Hoseok’s loud gasps and Jungkook’s cackled laugh even through the glass door that separates your office from the rest of the companies that take up residence in this particular city skyscraper. And then, as your loafers tapped on the hard linoleum floor and the glass door creaked open, the entire office fell silent. 

Quickly, you wonder if you’ve forgotten someone's birthday or if anybody’s due for a celebration of some sort. But nobody’s come to mind and the lights aren’t off, which means that this isn’t the kind of sudden silence that precedes a surprise party. 

This is the kind of sudden silence that makes everybody go, “Oh shit.”

It feels like you’re walking on eggshells as you make your way over to your desk. You’re a couple minutes late due to oversleeping (for reasons that start with J and end with -ungkook) so everybody’s already here, and the office should be as boisterous and rowdy as always. And yet, something’s different. 

You’re left entirely in the dark in concern with what the reasoning is, so you just decide that you’d rather not be the one to break the tense quiet that’s befallen your office and settle down, logging into your work desktop and checking today’s assignments on Slack. 

Five minutes pass and you can’t help but think that, of the many, many days you’ve spent in this office with these people, this has got to be the most awkward by an overwhelmingly long shot. Not even the time Namjoon showed up with his hair dyed purple and traces of a sharpie drawing with a certain phallic design on his cheek was more awkward than this. 

It seems that even Namjoon’s picked up on the vibe of your workspace today, walking in and out without a word. He wheels in a portable whiteboard from one of your meeting rooms and writes down everybody’s assignments on the board in his handwriting, which makes his O’s look like D’s. 

Ten minutes in and this is the quietest your office has ever been in the history of mankind, probably. You’re almost convinced that genuinely no one will speak to each other until five o’clock, when Jimin’s end-of-work alarm goes off and you all pack up and go home, and that today’s workday is an exercise in meditation and peace, two things that are seldom available in your usual office environment. 

And then, out of nowhere, 

“Oh my God, I can’t take it anymore,” Hoseok says loudly, letting out a breath you didn’t even realize he had been holding. It’s highly unlikely that Hoseok spent the past ten minutes holding his breath because he wasn’t allowed to talk under your office’s societal norm of silence, but you honestly can’t put it past him. Speaking is essentially the equivalent of breathing to him. “I’ve been wanting to bother Jimin for not responding to my email from yesterday for the past five minutes. I don’t even know why we’re doing this, it’s clear that Y/N doesn’t care at all about what happened.”

“What don’t I care about?” You blurt out, equally as curious as everyone else also seems to release their baited breaths. 

Hoseok and Jimin immediately begin to argue about appropriate email-response time between coworkers and Yoongi rolls a couple of feet over from his own desk to enlighten you. 

“Jungkook told everyone that you had been docked from your top rank in Kingdom, and the whole office seems to have taken it very seriously,” Yoongi mutters into your ear, making you scrunch up your nose in exasperation. Is he kidding? 

“That’s why everyone was so quiet? Because they didn’t want to bring it up?” 

“I guess so, but I was just quiet because it was nice to have the whole office shut up for a few minutes in the morning,” Yoongi says with a shrug before wheeling back to his own desk, where an anime you vaguely recognize as Haikyuu!! is playing on his monitor. 

Immediately, you whip around to meet eyes with Jungkook, who looks like he’s been expecting your furious glare all morning. He smiles guiltily and can offer you literally nothing other than a mouthed sorry because you two are in a workplace environment where shouting is, generally, socially unacceptable. 

Despite your standing on the game, it’s easy to argue and even easier to prove that your coworkers care much more about Kingdom than you do. The loading screen of the castle in Monet’s art style is Hoseok’s desktop background. Jungkook has a little sword decoration next to his computer, and a couple of his pens are official Kingdom merch that you’re pretty sure he purchased from Hot Topic. Taehyung and Jimin play during their lunch break, the only time in the workday where shouting is socially acceptable, and the both of them came to last year’s Halloween party dressed as knights. Even Namjoon’s in on the game, though he rarely has time to play and usually has no idea what everyone else is referencing when they talk about Kingdom. 

Contrastingly, you enjoy the game but very seldom do you actually broadcast that affection in public. You need to have at least some semblance of personal dignity in this absolute free-for-all of a place of employment. 

So really, it’s no wonder that all of your coworkers acted like it was the end of the world when you got knocked from first place. To them, that would be like having a winning lottery ticket only to drop it onto train tracks and watch as the public transportation system has a field day with it. 

“We’re really sorry, Y/N,” Taehyung says as he comes over and hands you a Tootsie Roll from the stash he keeps in one of his desk drawers for bad days. Apparently, this is a bad day. “Jungkook told us and we didn’t want to put salt in the wound.”

Even if their methodology was weird and slightly unsettling, the sentiment was there. “Thanks guys,” you tell Taehyung with a smile, “but I think you guys took it harder than I did.”

“Of course we did!” Jungkook says with a cry. He is objectively the most torn up out of the lot of you. “We had the top player in Kingdom in our very office, and now what! You were famous, Y/N! Whoever that bozo is who took your place is gonna feel the wrath of Jeon Jungkook and company.”

“Who’s feeling the wrath of Jeon Jungkook and company?” Seokjin asks as he strolls into the office, even later than you. To be fair, it’s looking like he’s got a box of a dozen Dunkin’ Donuts, which is enough for anyone to forgive him, even your hard headed boss. “Is it Jimin? Did he steal your Post-Its again? I saw he had a new pack.”

Jungkook’s eyes widen for barely a second before they narrow in on Jimin, who is already skirting away to find Namjoon so he can use him as a human shield. Jimin has quite the history of taking Jungkook’s office supplies only for a second and then failing to return it. 

“No, but I’m gonna deal with him later,” Jungkook says, fishing through his office supplies on the hunt for his Post-it notes, which may or may not be currently in his possession. “We were just talking about how Y/N got knocked from the top spot in Kingdom by some asshat none of us have ever heard of, and now he’s going to feel the wrath. Of us. Specifically me, but also us.”

“What wrath?” Taehyung jokes. “You’re fresh out of college. You’re practically as intimidating as a baby bunny.”

Jungkook growls just for emphasis, and it only proves Taehyung’s point more. He’s always had a baby face.  

“Well, I brought doughnuts to cheer everyone up,” Seokjin says, opening the box to reveal a dozen doughnuts of varying kinds that is likely to be finished within the next thirty seconds. 

“Oh my God, Kim Seokjin, I love you,” Hoseok says before immediately taking one and a half and bouncing off. 

“Save the pink-frosted one for me, will you? It’s my favorite,” Seokjin requests. He’s not even monitoring the box, too busy putting all his stuff away and getting settled at his desk. He’s basically asking to be robbed. 

“Aw, I wanted that one,” you joke sadly, already going for the chocolate-frosted one with rainbow sprinkles. The box is nearly three-fourths empty. Even Namjoon’s materialized out of nowhere to take the glazed one to eat while he completes the next fifty-four things on his to-do list. 

“Then let’s split it,” Seokjin says without missing a beat. Your heart does the exact opposite. 

“Jimin, you wanna split one with me?” Taehyung asks. 

“Ew, gross, no way, I want a whole one to myself,” Jimin immediately rejects. 

“I’ll go and grab it,” Seokjin says, standing up to nab the doughnut for some evil being (by the name of Jimin) takes it for himself. He plucks it from the box and takes two napkins, too, walking over to your desk as he splits the doughnut in half. 

“For you,” he says casually, like it isn’t making your heart beat out of your chest. 

“Thank you, kind sir,” you say jokingly, taking the doughnut and placing it on the napkin he hands to you. 

“Tell me about this Kingdom thing? You got knocked from first place?” Seokjin asks, making conversation as he lingers by your desk. It’s obvious that nobody’s going to be getting any work done. 

“Yeah, but it’s really nothing special. Everyone was making a huge deal out of it, which you should be very glad you missed, because the first ten minutes of this workday were absolutely silent and it was awful in every way that something can be awful,” you tell him. 

Seokjin laughs, and it warms you from the inside out. “Then I’m glad that I came late,” he says with a chuckle. “I couldn’t imagine a day where Jimin and Taehyung were silent for more than two minutes.”

“I lived through it,” you say, smiling. “Anyway, everyone seems to have gotten over the fact that I’m no longer the top-ranked Kingdom player. I’m kind of down about it myself, just because I worked really hard, but whoever it is that took over, I’m glad for them. I mean, it’s just a game.”

“That it is,” Seokjin says. “How about a toast to your Kingdom-playing skills, and to whoever it is that beat you.”

“Cheers,” you say, holding out your half of the doughnut. 

“Cheers,” Seokjin echoes. 

The two of you clink doughnuts, and they squish together awkwardly. 

“You should bring doughnuts more often,” You muse.

“If it means we don’t have to work and can just talk like this, then I will,” Seokjin says as he takes a bite, already heading back over to his own desk. He waves goodbye with a smile, and only then do you finally indulge. 

Sweet. As always. 

♚ THERE ♚

When you were moved to the Military Tactics Unit, the King and Queen pulled you out of military training in favor of you spending more time working on strategies for the Kingdom’s armies rather than sparring with fellow Knights. It was a wise move on the part of Their Royal Highnesses, who feared losing you to a rebel group or warring kingdom, and you didn’t mind not having to engage in the physicality of training with those that would be spending more time on the battlefield. 

And at the time, you saw it as a much-needed break from hand-to-hand combat training for years on end when you hadn’t set foot on the front lines in months. But now, that decision has decided to come back and bite you where it hurts. 

Because as second-in-command to the Head of the Knights, you (and J, both luckily and unluckily) are tasked with the important duty of supervising the military training of the new recruits. This spells doom in various ways, some of which include (and are not limited to):

Having to spend more time with J. 

Having to spend more time with J without letting all of the recruits know you both vastly dislike each other. 

Having to spend more time with J in a scenario in which there is constant hand-to-hand combat. 

Having to spend more time with J without being able to make up an excuse about needing to attend to urgent military business in order to leave. 

Having to spend more time with J. 

Attempting to remember how to spar.

So, in essence, you’re screwed. 

This is the mindset with which you walk into your very first training session in over six months, a few minutes late, of course. Recently you’ve been attempting to calculate the maximum amount of time you can spend either being tardy or leaving early from events that involve J without you facing any repercussions. So far it’s been working out well. 

When you walk in the door, before you can greet any of the recruits or even offer J a slightly sarcastic wave, he says, “Look who’s finally shown up,” loud enough for all of the recruits to turn to look as you stroll in tardy. 

“I got held up by a vendor on the main road, my apologies,” you lie like a liar. It’s obvious that J does not believe you whatsoever, but it satisfies the recruits, who return to their business as usual. 

“Well, you’re just in time for warm-up,” J says, false positivity radiating throughout every single word. 

You walk up to where he stands at the front of the room, wearing much less of his official armor than he normally is. Right now, he stands in front of you in a plain tan cotton shirt and training pants, similar to the rest of the recruits. It’s really quite jarring, to see him dressed so differently from what he usually wears—dark armor and scarlet red sashes. It makes him seem… almost softer. 

“Thought you might have bailed on me,” J mutters into your ear as the recruits begin to stretch. 

“Have a little more faith in me, for God’s sake,” you grumble in return. You may not like him, but you aren’t about to abandon your responsibilities just because of a little bit of distaste. 

“Do you wanna take warm-up, or should I?” He offers, motioning to the recruits. They all look so nervous, so desperate to prove themselves on the first day of training. It reminds you of yourself, like you’re looking into a mirror and a time machine all at once. 

“You’re the boss,” you say, unabashedly letting the bitterness seep through your tone. “You choose.”

Unsurprisingly, J decides to let you handle the warm-up session, something that is just a precursor to the main event and therefore, not as important. He takes a couple of steps back and follows your instructions as you go through stretches and basic movements in combat, allowing all of the recruits to get a feel for what knighthood is really like in the Kingdom of Kalar. Warm-up was always your least favorite part during training, so boring in comparison to the sparring and hand-to-hand combat that you would engage in soon after. Sure, it was necessary, but when you were a wide-eyed, overeager trainee, you were willing to risk a pulled muscle if it meant you could beat someone up sooner. 

With this in mind, you wrap up the session in a fairly timely manner, letting the recruits do their own stretching after everything absolutely necessary has been covered. It also means that you can sit back and let J do most of the heavy lifting, which, while you’re bitter about him getting all of the attention, is better than having to do it yourself based solely upon memory. You remember combat well enough to handle yourself in the battlefield, but the technicalities of training have completely slipped your memory by now. 

J and everything else about him may leave a sour taste in your mouth, but you have to admit that he’s a good teacher and an even better morale booster. This must come from his experience out in the field, on the front lines, where raising his troops’ spirits came as a necessary quality to develop when times were tough. 

He speaks slowly, explains everything in enough detail to cover all of the bases without losing attention, and frequently opens up the floor for questions. And as per usual, the recruits already begin to cling to him like vines, desperate to soak up every ounce of knowledge that he doles out. 

J doesn’t need the ego boost, that’s for certain. 

“Now that I’ve gone through everything, I believe that the best way to learn how to spar is just to start doing it, even if you haven’t the slightest clue what you’re doing. Despite what you may think about me, experience is the best teacher,” he says with a smile, earning a laugh from the crowd. 

You roll your eyes. 

“Um, sir?” A timid recruit raises her hand, her body curled in on herself. You take one look at her, and know that she’ll come out of her shell soon enough. 

“Yes, a question?” J asks. 

“Would you mind giving a demonstration? Just so we can watch. So we, well, don’t injure ourselves or each other while we’re sparring.”

A demonstration? You blink, having awoken from the trance you had placed yourself in one J stepped up to take over the training session. Doesn’t a demonstration mean… well, you and him?

J seems to come to this realization at the same time that you do, and grins wildly, giddy. He knows exactly how much you’ll hate doing this, which is all the more reason to say yes. “Of course, we’d be happy to. Y/N?”

You hold in the sigh you’ve been wanting to let out for about five minutes now, taking a deep exhale as you turn to face J. You’ve been in close proximity to him before, but you are about to get a whole lot closer. 

“If you say so,” you say with a shrug, trying to keep this as lighthearted and casual as possible. Though, both of those things are likely to be tossed out the window now that you’re about to spar with your worst enemy. 

J grabs a mat from the side of the room to lay down on the floor in front of you, and the two of you step onto it. Instantly, you’re transported back to when you were still in training, bouncing up and down on your feet with your fists raised in front of you, ready to take on the next recruit. You had always been quite good at sparring, back then. 

Now is a completely different story. 

“Are you ready?” J asks as you face each other in front of a crowd of recruits, all of whom are watching you with hawk-like intensity. 

“Guess I can’t say ‘no’, can I?” You joke, though if J offers you a way out of this, you’d gladly take it, shame and dignity be damned. 

“Well then, do your worst.”

He’s an open target. You’ve never been given an opportunity to sock him in the face before now, and you’d absolutely love to take it, but this is a sparring session, not a revenge session. That can be saved for a later date. Instead, you bounce on your feet like a nervous, excitable recruit, and aim for his neck. 

He easily dodges, but you expected that, and counter his attack with your leg. It goes back and forth like this, as your muscle memory kicks in and you remember exactly what sparring was like back in your training sessions. For a few seconds in the middle of it, you genuinely think you and him are on a pretty level playing field. 

And then—

One punch gone wrong and he’s got you lifted up off of the ground and onto his back, having grabbed your wrist at the perfect time to hoist you over his shoulder. You gasp in shock, body not necessarily remembering this part, and then—

He slams the both of you down onto the mat, your back hitting the cushion with a thud as the breathe gets knocked from your lungs. You definitely haven’t done this part in a while. 

You know the recruits are all watching you intently, but you refuse to lose like this, even if this is normally the part where the person pinned underneath the other one surrenders. With both of your arms and all of your force, you attempt to shove J off of you by using your elbow to punch him in the chest. If you go down (which you most certainly will), you will go down with a fight. 

He sees your move coming from a mile away, and immediately pins both of your arms above your head with a simple swish of his hand. The other one is holding up his body by your head as you both stare at each other, breathing heavily. His leg sits in between both of yours, resting up against your thigh, and his head hovers a very dangerous less-than-three inches away from your own. If a particularly near-sighted person were to stumble upon the both of you, you’d be absolutely screwed. 

The both of you gaze into each other’s eyes for a second, the wind knocked out of you. You never quite realized what his face looks like up close. His cheeks are bright red. But it’s a second too long because the recruits have gone silent, refusing to applaud or do anything else to signal that the sparring match is over. 

And then, it feels like a million years pass as J slowly removes himself from on top of your body, standing up and dusting his hands off before leaning down and offering his hand to help you up. Too floored and absolutely speechless to reject his extended palm like you normally would, you grab onto his hand and let him hoist you up, unable to speak. 

“How was that for a demonstration?” J asks the recruits, who are all blinking like they’ve just witnessed something far too shocking for their liking. 

Another trainee, a boisterous young man who walked into today’s session with his energy fully up and his eyes on the prize, raises his hand. “Could you show us again?”

You and J take one look at each other. 

No. Way. 

♚ HERE ♚

Because your office is both tightly knit and also uncannily resembles a cast of grown adults playing various high school stereotypes in a Hallmark movie, every year you do Office Superlatives. Office superlatives are basically an excuse for everyone to come up with a way to insult each other 1) while getting paid to do so and 2) without facing any repercussions whatsoever. 

For three years in a row, your office has designated you as “Most Likely to Spill Coffee on Someone Really Important”, a superlative that came about because on your very first day, you spilled your coffee on the one and only Kim Namjoon, who you then mistook as your boss, and thus ensued the most embarrassing one minute and thirteen seconds of your entire life in front of a bunch of colleagues you would have to see every weekday for the foreseeable future. 

Thankfully, you haven’t spilled your coffee on anyone important since then, even if you do regularly knock over your pencil cup and send every pastel-colored highlighter flying across the hardwood floor. It became such a frequent occurrence that, for April Fool’s Day last year, Taehyung and Jimin taped every single thing on your desk to your desk to see how long it would take you to notice. 

(It took you over three weeks, but that’s besides the point.)

“I know that the saying is ‘the customer is always right’, but this client I’m working with right now is literally wrong,” Taehyung says with a sigh. He collapses back in his office chair, mindlessly playing with the fur of the stuffed Pomeranian dog he keeps on his desk, staring down the email on his desktop. “Like, I’m not Squarespace or Wix. Either you pay me to design your website entirely, or you do it yourself. I’m not a drag-and-drop of a person, and I don’t get paid to be consulted on every font choice.”

“Didn’t you write on your resume that you can identify every standard Microsoft font without being told the name?” Yoongi asks with a frown from across the office. He’s making the most of his gigantic desktop computer, and has a tab open with One Punch Man right next to a Photoshop logo design he’s working on. 

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to do it,” Taehyung says with a frown. “I need someone who knows how to let people down easily.”

“Jimin?” Hoseok pipes up unhelpfully, earning an eraser to the face from Jimin, who is notorious for going on a bunch of first dates and very, very seldom going on a second one. You don’t even think that for the entire time you’ve known him, he’s ever gone a third date with someone. Ever. 

“Do not make fun of my lifestyle choices!” Jimin shouts out defensively. “I just like meeting new people.”

“Yeah,” Hoseok says like a white girl in a Disney Channel Original Movie, “and then never meeting them again.”

“That’s where you’re mistaken,” Jimin tells him pointedly, already beginning to stand up from his office chair to attempt to further convince him that serial-first-dating isn’t all that bad. “Two weeks ago, I saw this guy that I had gone on a date with last year and he told me that his friend was starting up a small pet barbershop business and needed help with the graphic design for his company. Now I’m designing this guy’s logo and backsplash for his wall.” He says matter-of-factly. 

Hoseok frowns. “So, what I’m hearing is that you saw a guy you had gone on a date with last year, and what you got out of it, was more work.”

Jimin opens his mouth to say something else, but he flounders. Hoseok cackles to himself, shaking his head because Jimin’s just proved his point further. 

“I’ll ask Seokjin,” Taehyung says with a sigh. “He could tell me that I’ve lost my job and that I’m getting evicted from my apartment and I would thank him.”

Amen. 

“Hey, where is Seokjin?” Jungkook asks, spinning around in his office chair for the most efficient way to scan the entire office in search of the man. “He was just here watching One Punch Man with Yoongi.”

“I didn’t even notice he had gotten up,” Yoongi says, turning to the empty spot next to him where Seokjin once was. 

“I’ll go look for him, I need to grab something from the printer, anyway,” you volunteer, pushing your chair back, standing up, and avoiding the gazes of anybody in the office who happens to have knowledge of your not-so-secret secret crush. This means that you are staring down at the lines of the wooden planks in the floor as you walk over to the back hallway, because every single person in the room currently has at least… well… some insight. 

“He’s all yours, Y/N,” Taehyung wolf whistles, making you roll your eyes as you head down the hallway.  

Too busy counting the planks that make up the hardwood floor and hoping that you’ll maybe be able to identify Seokjin by the shoes he’s wearing rather than anything else, you don’t look at where you’re going as you make a beeline for the printing room. That is, you make a beeline for the printing room until you crash right into an unsuspecting colleague. 

“Oh, shit!” Said colleague cries out.

Oh God. 

You look up to find Seokjin standing in front of you, a nearly-empty cup of low-grade office coffee in his hand, and a growing brown stain on his pale blue dress shirt. One look on the floor and there’s a puddle of coffee gathered at your feet, wet splotches on your flats and his loafers. 

“Y/N, are you alright?” Seokjin asks, eyes wide and apologetic as he immediately searches for some place to put down his coffee to avoid any more casualties. He looks right at you, making you want to curl in on yourself, before his eyes train down to your torso.

Only then do you realize he’s not shamelessly staring at your chest, but rather at the massive brown stain on the front of your blouse, quickly seeping into the fabric, the scalding temperature of the coffee having gone right over your head the moment you realized who exactly it was that you crashed into. 

“Uh…” you stammer, brain crashing as everything that’s just happened in the past thirty seconds catches up to you all at once. 

“Oh my God, I’m such a mess,” Seokjin says, fumbling awkwardly as he finally finds a trash can to toss his sad lump of a coffee cup into.

No you’re not, you want to tell him, but the words don’t come out and you’re left standing there, looking sort of like you blame him for everything, when in reality, you just have no idea how to function in front of him. 

“Coffee stains,” Seokjin says, hands fishing through his seemingly bottomless pants pockets (he could probably fit an entire Nintendo Switch and its dock in there) until he pulls out this measly little thing that vaguely resembles your orange highlighter. “Here, I have a Tide To-Go pen.”

Before you can tell him that you can just deal with the stain and wash it in the privacy of your own home where you don’t look like a bumbling idiot, he grabs your hand and pulls you into the gender neutral bathroom nearby, locking the door as the light flickers on. 

“Here, do you need help?” Seokjin asks, holding out his Tide To-Go pen as he wets a paper towel made of entirely recycled materials and begins fruitlessly dabbing at his shirt. 

“I’m alright, really,” you insist, staring into the mirror and trying desperately to avoid the fact that Seokjin’s shirt becomes transparent when it’s wet. Maybe quitting your job and moving to another city doesn’t sound unappealing after all. “I can just get it out with OxiClean at my apartment, Seokjin, seriously.”

“Are you sure? That’s what the Tide To-Go pen is for,” Seokjin says, holding it out towards you again as a final attempt to get you to use it. 

“No offense, Seokjin, but I don’t know if the Tide To-Go pen is even going to make a dent in the stain on my shirt,” you chuckle, the only thing you can think of to get him to stop offering the thing to you. The Tide To-Go pen is meant for when you accidentally get a bit of ketchup onto your jeans as you move the french fry from your plate to your mouth. Not when you’ve got a giant coffee stain on the front of your shirt. 

“God, I’m so sorry, Y/N,” Seokjin says, unbuttoning the top two buttons of his shirt to try and get a better grip on the fabric as he relentlessly scrubs at it. God help you. He may as well take the whole thing off at this point—though you really, really hope that he doesn’t. “I’m such a klutz.”

“No, it’s my fault, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” you tell him. You still know that you passed by 107 wooden planks before you crashed into him, because that is what you do when you don’t want to look anyone in the eye. 

“Seriously, though, I had the cup of coffee. I feel really bad, I could pay to get it dry cleaned for you?” He offers, eyes wide and in search of some way to make it up to you. 

“No, no, that’s not necessary. I’m can handle a stain, Seokjin. I’m an adult. I live in my own apartment and everything,” you say firmly, refusing to accept anything else from him. God, if he paid for your dry-cleaning, you’d never be able to live that down. “Maybe I’ll finally stop being voted Most Likely to Spill Coffee on Someone Important,” you joke, trying to make light of the fact that you’re standing in the tiny gender-neutral bathroom together, Seokjin’s practically got half of his transparent dress shirt unbuttoned, and you both have massive and very conspicuous brown stains on your tops. All wonderful, wonderful things. 

At this point, Seokjin stares down at his shirt and, quite frankly, just gives up, smoothing out his shirt as best as he can and tossing the poor, now-coffee-colored paper towel away. 

“I suppose it’s high time we give you a break for always knocking over that pencil cup of yours,” Seokjin jokes back as he opens the door, motioning for you to leave first. 

“We should invest in some Velcro for it,” you suggest, making Seokjin chuckle as he shuts the door behind him. 

“Uh… what the fuck?” 

The two of you are stopped in your tracks by a particularly suspicious Taehyung, who just witnessed the two of you walk out of the same bathroom with both of your clothes fairly askew. 

“It’s not what it looks like,” you immediately tell him, eyes wide. Count on him to get the wrong idea. 

“Okay,” Taehyung says, eyes narrowed. “Sure.”

“Taehyung, come on, I spilled coffee on the both of us,” Seokjin attempts, but Taehyung is absolutely not having it. 

“That’s what they all say,” he says cryptically, nodding as he heads to the printer room with his eyes still narrowed. He glares at the both of you until he rounds the corner, out of sight, and by then your cheeks have heated up so badly you think you might actually start sweating.

“Now the whole office is going to think we’re dating,” you say, somewhat jokingly but also somewhat seriously. There’s no way Taehyung’s going to be able to keep his mouth shut for any longer than the next five minutes. 

Seokjin laughs, looking at you and shrugging. “There are worse things, right?”

Are there?

♚ THERE ♚

“Oh, Y/N!”

You inhale. 

Of all of the places in the Kingdom that J has not yet infiltrated and ruined for you, the small cafe on the edge of the kingdom borders has to have been the last one. You discovered it while you were on night watch as a baby knight, a task given to those too dedicated to the job to release but not yet prepared enough to fight on the front lines. It’s a quiet place, open more hours of the day than closed, owned by an old lady with no other family to take care of the business. You’ve already promised her that after she passes, you will immediately begin funding the cafe yourself, too much money on your hands and not enough wonderful places like this to spend it on.

When days are loud and hectic, when the King and Queen and all of their military advisors are stressed and have been snapping at you all day, this is where you come. The old lady keeps her door open especially for you (at least that’s what she tells you), always with a steaming cup of jasmine tea and a wise old story to tell you. Sometimes, you’ll get to tell a story back, and you exchange words of wisdom from a knight at the highest ranking in the kingdom and an elder with many years of experience in the kingdom behind her. She always tells you, “keep your eyes wide and your heart open, because things can only enter it if you’re looking out for them.”

You’ve held those words close to your soul ever since the first time you heard them. 

But when your eyes are wide and staring down a certain knight in the kingdom who seems to have stumbled upon your one sacred place, you’re a little bothered, to say the least.

You exhale.

“Fancy seeing you here,” you say sourly, the scalding tea burning your tongue as you take a sip. 

“I’ve never seen this place before,” J admits helplessly, already bowing to the old lady who runs the place. He introduces himself handsomely, and much like everyone else bewitched by his good looks and unrealistically charismatic personality, she immediately warms up to him. 

“I wish it could stay that way,” you mumble to yourself, far too quiet for anyone except you and your tea to hear. “It’s far away,” you say to him as the lady ushers him to the seat next to yours, already promising him tea on the house. You sigh. “Wouldn’t expect you to go hunting for a nice tea place when there are so many wonderful places in the city.”

“I guess it’s nice to branch out,” J says with a shrug. “I have to say that I don’t really go out to cafes all that often. Too busy.”

“You know I understand how that goes,” you tell him honestly. For once, it’s something you can actually relate to. “But I think that it’s important to take a break from our duties and just relax. We don’t have much time to do that, you know.”

The lady brings over tea, and J insists he pay her for it despite her insistence for him not to. She shuffles off into the back before he can even get out some coins.

“Tell me, where can I leave this? I feel terrible not paying,” J asks you. It catches you off guard, really, mostly because he seems to be the kind of person who walks around the center square winking at every vendor in the hopes of receiving free merchandise. 

“Oh,” you say, embarrassingly speechless. “Well, I suppose I could take it and give it to her. If we left rather soon then we could simply leave it on the counter for her to find. It’s likely that she won’t come back out for a while, since I have company.”

“Am I your company, Y/N?” J asks, almost teasingly. It makes you want to chuck your cup of jasmine tea into his face. 

“Don’t think too much of it,” you advise him, a warning to tell him to knock it off. “We’re just here together.”

“Lucky us,” J says, holding up his cup of tea for a toast. You indulge him (begrudgingly so), letting your glasses clink together as you both finish a much needed warm drink on a chilly afternoon. 

Too soon, the respite of the cafe is broken by a knock at the door. You both turn to find a messenger waiting patiently outside the cafe, motioning for J to come and speak to him. 

“If you’ll excuse me,” J says, scooting back his chair and heading over, shutting the door behind him. 

The moment the door closes, the old lady reappears from the back of the room, collecting your finished cups as you both listen intently to the murmuring outside. 

“That young man mentioned that the two of you spend lots of time together,” the muses, cleaning the cups with a wet rag. She’s got a knowing look in her eye, like she’s picked up on something the both of you seem to have overlooked. 

“We’re both knights,” you correct. It’s important to you that she knows that you don’t spend time together out of personal preference. It’s merely obligation. “So we see each other quite often.”

“I’ve never seen him around before,” she says pointedly, “but he seems to know quite a lot about you.”

“Oh, not really,” you insist. How could he? You’ve barely known him a month. Still, it’s clear that the lady doesn’t believe you. 

“As you say,” she says, skeptical. 

You’re about to open your mouth and reject her notions further, but then the door opens up again, and J looks terribly apologetic as he walks inside, joining your side. “We’ve been called in.”

As per usual, the Kingdom appears with impeccable timing to ruin the rest of your afternoon. It has a striking tendency to do that. 

“For what?” You ask, exasperated. J doesn’t look much happier. 

“Criminal hearings,” J says, and the words make you you toss your head back and sigh. 

Criminal hearings and its many, many procedures are quite possibly your least favorite part of being a top-ranked royal knight. With your knowledge of the ins and outs of the military and the kingdom’s inner workings, as well as with you being an advisor to the generals and the King and Queen, you are often obligated to attend these, just in case there is a desperate need for the technicalities of military crimes that no one else can provide. It is, admittedly, extremely boring, since you can’t really offer any sort of insight or opinion on the actual criminal and their crime at hand. 

“Fine,” you say, suddenly much less energized than you were approximately thirty seconds ago. “I suppose that we’ll have to be on our way.”

“Ma’am,” J says, attracting the attention of the old lady behind the counter. He holds out some coins, palm facing up. “Please accept this from me. I couldn’t leave without paying you for your wonderful tea and service.”

“Oh, pish posh,” the lady says with a shake of her hand. “Any friend of Y/N’s is well-deserving of some tea. You both work very hard. You should take any opportunity that presents itself to relax, and enjoy being young.”

“Please,” J insists, placing the coins in her hand, “a token of my gratitude. We shall return soon, right Y/N?” He gives your shoulder a nudge, making you look up at him. Return? You’d be blessed if J forgot about this place entirely, though you know that he’s bound to come back soon. 

Perhaps there are worse things than losing your favorite cafe to him. Perhaps, you can simply learn to enjoy his company, instead. 

“Of course, how could I resist?” You say, waving goodbye to the lady at the counter. “We really must be going, but I shall see you soon.”

“Take care of yourselves, the both of you!” She sees you off with a smile and a wink directed right at you for a cause you aren’t too keen on picking up. Old ladies are always so vague. 

When you walk outside, you’re surprised to find yourselves alone. “Where’s the messenger guard?” You ask, looking around to see if he’s found a tree to take respite from the sun under. 

J laughs, warm and hearty. “I sent him off, told him we would be able to make it ourselves.”

“Oh, alright,” you say with a shrug, already beginning to trudge the familiar path towards the castle. 

You take six steps before realizing that J is neither next to you nor following you, still standing on the porch of the cafe as the sun makes his hair glimmer a dark caramel in the light. 

“Aren’t you coming?” You turn around to ask, an eyebrow raised as you tap your foot on the cobblestone road. 

“Have you ever skipped a criminal hearing before, Y/N?” J asks, and the very notion of bailing makes your eyes go wide. 

“Skipped?” You clarify. 

“That’s what I said,” J confirms. 

“No…” You trail off, feeling more and more like the try hard you once were while training, wide-eyed and eager to prove yourself. Standing in front of him, rocking back and forth on your toes and twiddling your fingers as he steps off of the porch, taking long strides to reach you, makes you feel so nervous. With every step he takes closer to you, your heart begins to beat faster, faster, faster. 

“Well,” J says, reaching out his hand to take hold of your own. “Would you like to start?”

When you were stationed on the Kingdom’s borders, you thought you had explored every nook and cranny of Kala. You had wandered through forests, across rivers, and into small edge villages with goods you had never even heard of before. You thought you had seen it all. 

Clearly, you were mistaken. 

J pulls you off of the cobblestone path and immediately takes you into the woods that surround the cafe, weaving past trees and ferns and grass alike. This time of year, the forest is ripe with greenery, right when summer is coming to an end but the leaves have yet to begin to fade to brown. Even without landmarks or a path to guide him, J seems to know exactly where the two of you are going, like he’s taken this road a million times before. And still, you had never seen him before this. 

It’s a wonder that the two of you missed each other for so long. 

“Where are we going, J?” You ask, laughing as the exhilaration of skipping your duties in favor of a fun day in the forest begins to flow through your veins. You’ve never done this before. 

“Just wait, you’ll see,” he says cryptically, taking you down a large hill. You must be out of the Kingdom borders by now, with how far you’ve been going, and yet, no one had ever thought to place guards in this area. 

Five more minutes of travelling and you’re near convinced that J is about to take you to some cave in the floor of the forest and murder you, when he tugs you up a hill to reveal—

It’s a clearing with grass so green you’d almost think it was enchanted. The leaves of the trees whisper to each other, voices flowing with the wind that breezes by each and every one, saying hello to the branches as they rustle. Tall grass and ferns grow on the edge of the forest, disguising the clearing to anyone who wouldn’t bother to keep looking, make their way through the overgrowth and into the oasis. 

Never in a million years would you have been able to find this place on your own. 

“What do you think?” J asks excitedly as he pulls you into the middle of the clearing, where the leaves of the trees have left an opening for the sun to shine through, a halo in the middle of the forest. 

“I—I’m speechless,” you say, eyes wandering from every piece of bark to every blade of grass. You’ve always loved your Kingdom and its beauty, from the extravagant castle to the little shacks on the border, but this is more than that. This isn’t just beauty—it’s magic. “How did you find this place?”

“Strayed from the pack during military training outside,” he says guiltily. Clearly, skipping out on responsibilities has become a habit of J’s. 

“Unbelievable,” you say, fingers tracing along the wildflowers growing close to the forest floor. You take a seat in the middle of it all, letting the sun stream through the leaves as the flowers open their petals at your touch. It’s as if every single living thing has been enchanted—like none of this could exist naturally. 

“Do you like it?” J asks, taking a seat on the stone next to you. He reaches down to run his fingers through the grass, letting the soft dirt gather on his skin. 

“I don’t think I have the words,” you tell him. You thought you had found a hidden respite from the hustle and bustle, but he has found not just a respite. He’s found a home. “Why would you show me this place?”

“What do you mean?” J asks. He finds a small yellow flower, a buttercup, and plucks it from the ground, twirling it between his fingers.

“I mean, why would you bring me here? Wouldn’t you want to keep this place all for yourself?” You inquire, curious. Certainly, that’s what you would do. 

J pauses for a moment, staring down at the buttercup in his hands. Wordlessly, he hands it to you, watches as your fingers touch his own, taking the buttercup from him. You twirl it between your fingers, and wonder what all of this means. 

“No,” he eventually answers. “Because a place like this deserves to be shared with the people that deserve to see it.”

♚ HERE ♚

[You have 5 unread messages]

Jungkook (5:53PM): Is it still acceptable to talk about Kingdom at company dinners? Jungkook (5:53PM): Is the ban that Yoongi instated last company dinner still going? Do you think he’ll be mad if I talk about how I just got a bunch of gold from solving the mystery of the time capsule?

Yoongi (5:55PM): If I have to sit through another company dinner where everyone is talking about Kingdom and nobody is talking about anime or my dog Holly I will lose it

Taehyung (5:57PM): You’re coming, right? You mentioned having a thing that ended pretty late this evening so you weren’t sure you’d make it

Seokjin (6:03PM): Excited to see you tonight! Promise I won’t spill anything on you tonight haha

Your office’s annual company dinner is the one and only opportunity you, as employees, get per year to talk about whatever you like in front of your colleagues, all while getting a meal paid for by your wonderfully unassuming, hardheaded boss. It is both a celebration of camaraderie and, of course, being employed, and a chance for your personal group to talk about Kingdom for two hours straight without repercussions. 

Needless to say, many of you are looking forward to it. 

To Jungkook (6:07PM): Yes, but only if we get to talk about how I’m still the best at the game out of everyone To Jungkook (6:07PM): Also, don’t forget to talk to Yoongi about My Hero Academia I know that you secretly love it

To Yoongi (6:08PM): Bring earplugs? Or maybe a manga book to get the conversation going?

To Taehyung (6:08PM): Yeah, I’ll be there To Taehyung (6:08PM): Probably be late though To Taehyung (6:09PM): Save me a seat!

To Seokjin (6:10PM): Not sure if I can promise the same thing! Fingers crossed we make it out tonight unscathed by scalding hot liquids

The company dinner starts at 6:30, which means that it really starts at 7:00 by the time everyone arrives, but even still, you’ll probably be late because you are actually doing last-minute laundry, and not attending a special event like you had told Taehyung. Sue you. Your clothes were dirty. 

Standing in the middle of your apartment wearing the slouchiest clothes you own, you wonder if it’s even worth going when you know that you will probably 1) be late and 2) have to endure two hours worth of Kingdom talk and other things that leave you thoroughly embarrassed, like your nonexistent love life. 

You’ve never skipped out on a company dinner before, but then again, never have all of your colleagues been so on top of you about your very insignificant, not at all soul-crushing, extremely minimal, super unimportant, tiny little infatuation with a certain coworker, so there’s that to consider. 

Not to mention the fact that your entire office genuinely believes that the two of you hooked up in the gender neutral bathroom during the middle of the workday, which is a circumstance so improbable you have no idea how Taehyung managed to convince everybody that that was actually what happened. It’s not as if your coworkers didn’t see the ridiculous brown stains on the front of your and Seokjin’s shirts, or didn’t smell the office coffee stench all over the both of you. 

So, for once in your life, you are genuinely considering just staying at home, finishing your laundry, and eating the frozen veggie burritos you bought from Costco two weeks ago. It sounds very tempting.

This thought is immediately combated by the fact that you usually have some of the most fun during the year at this company dinner, and a free meal at a nice, upscale restaurant is something that you would normally never pass up. But then again, Seokjin will be there and he will be dressed very nicely, and the rest of your coworkers will also be there, and they will be relentless. 

Jungkook (6:33PM): Tae said you’d be late but please come soon! We can’t talk about Kingdom without the best player present!!!! Jungkook (6:33PM): Oh no Namjoon sees me with my phone

And out of every possible text you could have received that night, that one is the one that convinces you to pull out the same dress you’ve worn to the company dinner (it’s not as if anyone else will remember) every other year, tug it on, and head out. Your Costco veggie burritos will have to wait for another stay-at-home night. 

You arrive fashionably late as always, walking into the restaurant and just asking for directions to where the “big group of loud office workers” is, a term easily identifiable by the scrambled hostess with fifteen different tables to seat all at once. She points you to the back room, where you can already hear Hoseok’s laughter from outside in the main dining area. 

“You guys are loud,” you say in lieu of a greeting, everyone letting out cries of “Y/N!” and “You made it!” as you look around for the last empty seat. 

“Here, saved you a spot right next to me,” Seokjin volunteers helpfully, motioning to the empty velvet chair next to him. In the seat next to that sits Taehyung, who is grinning guiltily, like he didn’t just dupe you into thinking he had saved you a seat next to him and someone else other than the person you were hoping not to embarrass yourself in front of. 

“Thinking of me when I’m not even here, how thoughtful,” you say, walking over and sending a glare Taehyung’s way as you take your seat, the glass at the top right corner of your placemat already filled. 

“How could we forget about you?” Seokjin reasons, and he says it so casually but it makes your heart flutter all the same. 

When Seokjin’s finally started talking to Hoseok and Jimin on his other side, the two of them attempting to explain the inner workings of Kingdom to him (to little avail, as per usual), you round on Taehyung, who is every bit the best wingman and the worst friend in the entire world. 

“How could you do this to me?” You hiss at him, trying not to attract the attention of the man sitting on the opposite side of you. 

“I said I had saved you a seat!” Taehyung says defensively, clearly enjoying himself way too much. 

“This was not what I had in mind,” you tell him pointedly. 

“Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have hidden it from you,” Taehyung says. He motions to Seokjin, who’s laughing at something that Jimin’s just said, eyes crinkled into half moons as the waiter places the cocktail he’s ordered down in front of him. “You know, it’s not so bad having a crush on him, right?”

“He is our coworker and way out of my league, of course it is,” you remind Taehyung. 

Taehyung shrugs you off with a wave of his hand. “Give yourself some credit, Y/N. You’re hot. Embrace it.”

“I will not, thank you very much. This conversation makes me want to hurl,” you say as normally as possible, blinking to show your discomfort to Taehyung. 

“You need to stop being so afraid of what might actually come out of this,” Taehyung says, a reassuring hand on your arm. “You never know what might happen.”

“What’s definitely going to happen is that I’m going to feel too cold from the vent above my head, and we’re going to switch seats,” you say. You immediately make to stand up, but Taehyung grabs onto your wrist and looks up at you like a child begging for candy in a supermarket. 

“Please, Y/N? Just give it a try, and if you hate it by the time the entree comes around, we can switch. Alright?” He asks, a simple compromise to get you to sit back down. 

You sigh. You suppose it wouldn’t hurt to shoot your shot, no matter how terrible your aim is. 

“I didn’t order any soup, so hopefully we can last through this dinner without ruining more of our clothes,” Seokjin says, an icebreaker to ease the obvious tension between the two of you. He breaks down your walls so easily, carves out a path in the side of it to waltz right through. 

“I don’t know,” you say sarcastically,” you better finish that cocktail soon or we might both be in big trouble.”

Seokjin chuckles, warm and full, and takes another sip of the fruity drink for good measure. “Don’t know how you keep getting crowned Most Likely to Spill Coffee on Someone Important when I’m here, a walking coffee volcano.”

“When the superlatives roll around, I’ll petition the court and see if we can crown you instead,” you promise. 

“I’m honored. I’ll cherish that title for as long as I live,” Seokjin jokes, bowing to you just for good measure. “This is nice, you know.”

“What is?” You ask, peering down at the large group menu. Everything looks awfully delicious and awfully expensive, so you just go for a classic pasta dish and hope that Taehyung orders something different, so you can try each other’s. 

“Sitting next to you,” Seokjin says like it’s obvious, making you blink at your menu like it’s just offended your entire family ancestry. “I don’t think we’ve ever been paired up like this at a company dinner.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything, right?” You ask hopefully. 

“It’s nice,” Seokjin says. “I feel like we don’t get to talk very much at work.”

“You said you’d bring more doughnuts,” you remind him. Seokjin has held up on his promise, actually, and since the first round of doughnuts, he’s brought on two more occasions to brighten up everybody’s day. 

“I think I need a better excuse than doughnuts,” Seokjin says to himself. “I can’t keep going to Dunkin’ right before work, pretty soon all of the workers will know me by name and that is a level that I’m not sure I’d like to reach yet.”

“Don’t feel bad,” you tell him, a hand instinctively coming to rest on his shoulder as comfort. “Some of the Costco employees recognize me even when I’m wearing my sunglasses inside.”

“You wear your sunglasses inside Costco?” Seokjin asks with a laugh. 

“Sometimes I just forget to take them off when I walk from my car into the store!” You say defensively. “It’s really bright in there, sue me.”

“No, no, I think it’s cute,” Seokjin assures you. “Maybe being recognized by the Dunkin’ employees won’t be that bad. At least they probably wouldn’t know who I was if I had my sunglasses on.”

“I’m being attacked, I’m pretty sure,” you say pointedly. 

“Only affectionately. You’re still ridiculously endearing.” Seokjin says with a chuckle, smiling at you as Jungkook calls your name to tell him something about Kingdom that he’s forgotten. But even as Seokjin gets tugged into another conversation and you get pulled into your own, your brain can’t help but replay the sound of his voice in your head, over and over. 

You’re still ridiculously endearing.

“Hey, Jungkook,” Jimin asks over a mouthful of complimentary bread with olive oil. “Did you ever figure out who knocked Y/N from the top spot in Kingdom?”

“No,” Jungkook cries out, suddenly thirsty for justice. “It makes me so mad that I don’t know who they are, especially since they’re getting all the in-game brand deals and Y/N gets nothing,” he says pointedly as he motions to you, clearly exasperated for a cause that wasn’t even his to begin with. 

“Jungkook, it’s not a big deal, it’s just a game,” you remind him, the table too wide to reach over and pat his hand comfortingly. “I still get a lot of things in second place.”

“What’s Jungkook talking about?” Seokjin asks, motioning to where Jungkook seems to be on a rampage as Jimin and Namjoon listen in. 

“Oh, Kingdom, like always,” you say fondly. “He’s determined to figure out the name of the person who dethroned me.”

“Is that so?” Seokjin asks with a laugh. “He’s got his work cut out for him. How many people play Kingdom?”

“Hundreds of thousands, probably,” you say. “Maybe millions.”

“Millions of people, and somehow we ended up with the second-best player in the game right at this table,” Seokjin says with a grin. “We should be honored.”

“It’s just a game,” you remind him, even though the sentiment is awfully sweet. “I think I much prefer the real world, don’t you?”

Seokjin smiles at you as the waiter comes around to offer him another cocktail. 

“Another one, sir?”

Seokjin looks down at the cocktail, then at your unstained clothes, and he shakes his head, laughing to himself. “No, I’m alright, thank you.” The waiter nods, taking his empty glass and moving onto another coworker. He looks at you, and his eyes are swimming in stars. “I think that I do, too.”

Dinner ends with Hoseok and Jungkook gobbling down everybody’s leftovers, your boss paying the bill without even glancing at the check, and you laughing alongside Seokjin, who keeps your end of the table entertained with fantastic stories about his past job at a luxury department store and less-than-fantastic dad jokes that he prides himself for coming up with on the spot. 

Taehyung had nudged you when the entrees had come around, motioning to the vent above your head, but you hadn’t even noticed the cold. 

“Ugh,” Jimin says with a groan as the group of you head outside once everyone is finished, the chilly night air hitting your skin as you open the door. “I hate that we could only schedule this for a Wednesday, because it means we have to come into work again tomorrow.”

“When else are we supposed to schedule it for?” Yoongi asks with a frown. “Did you even look at the When2Meet? Nobody had any free time for the rest of the month.”

“Well, if everyone’s cleared their schedules just for this dinner, anyone want to keep the celebration going at my apartment? I just bought a box of wine from Trader Joe’s,” Jimin asks. 

“On a Wednesday?” Yoongi says, nose scrunched up in disapproval. 

“Yeah, when else would you drink boxed Trader Joe’s wine?” Jimin responds like it’s obvious. 

Everyone begins to either disperse back to their cars or get Jimin’s address so they can get wine drunk on a Wednesday like you’re supposed to, leaving you and Seokjin out of the crowd. 

“Are you heading over to Jimin’s?” He asks you as you begin to walk towards your cars, taking a step every five seconds as you watch Jimin tell everybody his exact address, loudly and slowly enough for any burglars and axe-wielding murderers within a three-mile radius to also hear him. 

“No, I think I’ll just head home for the night,” you say, checking the time on your phone. It’s nearly ten, already. Where did the time go?

“Ah, then I guess I will, too,” Seokjin says. “Oh, here’s my car.”

“You parked close,” you comment. 

“I thought that I’d be late because I arrived at 6:45, but I was the second one here,” Seokjin tells you, making you laugh. 

“Sounds like our office, doesn’t it?”

“I guess. We’ll have to do this again sometime just to see how late everyone shows up,” Seokjin says. 

“Promise I’ll be early next time,” you say. 

“Next time, then?” Seokjin asks, already opening his car door and beginning to step inside. You stand on the sidewalk in front of him, watching as he pulls the door shut and waves to you through the windshield. A next time sounds awfully nice. 

“Next time.”

♚ THERE ♚

The King and Queen never do find out about your truancy, though you have to admit, you were never really worried about that in the first place. Not when J was grinning as he told you he had sent the messenger guard off, laughing as he dragged you through the forest, smiling as he twirled a buttercup between his fingers. He had done it before and he’ll do it again, and look where that’s gotten him. 

Maybe you could learn a thing or two from him. 

Still, despite your high ranks, the two of you can’t avoid your responsibilities forever. Eventually, you will always have to report back to the castle, get a new assignment, and start the cycle all over again. 

“At least they’re letting us go together,” J reasons as the two of you nod to the knights standing guard at the border of the kingdom, by the main forest that leads directly to a kingdom with whom your relationship isn’t all that strong. No wars have broken out between your two lands in years, but never has stability been one-hundred percent earned, which means that both kingdoms must be on high alert. You never know when a rebel group will attempt to invade the land. 

“Like I’d want to spend any more time with you,” you joke, giving J a nudge in the side as you stroll along the forest edge. In the middle of the day with the sun high above your heads, neither of you are particularly worried about being attacked. It would be foolish for an enemy group to do so, especially at a time when the kingdom’s guards are the most awake. 

“Am I really such awful company?” J asks, and he’s smiling but he asks in such a way, it’s almost as if he means it. The two of you have never been on the best of terms, but you’ve found yourself growing out of the competition-fueled rage you once always found yourself in whenever you were near him. No longer is regaining your first place your most important priority. Rather, it’s doing your job and doing it correctly, upholding the duties that the kingdom has entrusted you with, regardless of who’s by your side. 

(Though, even if you’d never admit it, J makes quite good company, most of the time.)

“No,” you insist, a hand reaching out to rub comfortingly at his forearm. “You aren’t.”

“You think so?” J says with a laugh, almost bitter. “I must say, you’ve never been that fond of me.”

“You may have charmed your way into the rest of the kingdom’s hearts, but I needed some convincing,” you remind him, reminiscent of how he would tease you constantly, dangle his promotion right above your head like a trophy you’d never be able to reach. 

“Did I do a good job, then?” J asks, hands in his pockets. It’s a quiet day, today. Even the birds have begun to murmur. 

“You did quite alright,” you say, nudging him. “Though I must say, I absolutely hate how all of the vendor’s daughters fawn all over you and give you free items like fruit, and jewelry. I’m never given that treatment.”

“You just don’t have my naturally charming, handsome, soft looks,” J says, posing in front of you as the two of you walk. The obnoxiousness of it all makes you almost want to chuck the apple you’re about to eat right at his face. 

“What do you mean? I can be charming,” you say with a pout. You pretend to flip your hair, just for emphasis. 

“You and I are different types of charming,” J says casually. “You’re strong. You speak loudly and clearly and you don’t ever flounder. You always know exactly what you want, and know the best way to get it. You aren’t afraid of anything, and are always willing to take on any challenge that comes your way. It’s… it’s different.”

And even if he thinks you never flounder, never stumble over your words or stutter, for once, you can’t think of anything to say. You’re walking along the forest’s edge with a knight you had convinced yourself that you would never befriend, and he’s just told you all of these wonderful things about yourself you never would have known he’d thought otherwise. 

J’s right. It is different. This is different. And you can hardly remember when it started to be like this. Only one day, it was just like this, and it never stopped. 

“Do you really think all of those things about me?” You ask, staring down at your boots as you walk along the dirt path, kicking small pebbles as you go. They go flying off into the grass, never to be seen again. But sometimes, you come across one you had kicked a few steps back, and you try again, earnestly hoping to see how far it will go with you by its side. 

“I mean, well…” J says, stumbling. “I don’t just think those things about you, you know? They’re facts, aren’t they? Those are things that, well, I suppose, everyone would think about you. Right?”

“You know what I think?” You ask, looking up at him. His dark hair shimmers in the light, like reflects of gold have been sprinkled amongst the ink black. “We are different types of charming. You’re charismatic and friendly, always willing to listen. You accept things graciously and are always grateful for what you receive. You pay people back whatever they’ve given you, even if it’s not the same item, even if it’s just the thought that counts. You always want to do better, and then you do. You work hard for each thing you get, and you never take it for granted.”

J grins down at you. “But you don’t actually think that, do you?”

“Nope,” you say, shaking your head. “Just facts.”

“Just facts,” he echoes. 

When did talking to him become so easy? When did it all start coming to you naturally?

“Did you ever hate me?” He asks you, curious. He knows, he must, that that’s not the case anymore. 

“No,” you admit, perhaps more to yourself than to him. “I think that I just hated that you were better than me. But… like you said, it’s different now. Now, I don’t care if you’re better than me. That sort of competition makes me a better soldier. You make me a better soldier.”

“Really?” J wonders, genuine. His eyes are wide in surprise, shocked at such a candid admission coming from you. To be honest, you’re surprised with yourself, as well. “I had no idea.”

“Keep it up, then. You know—”

A taut string let go. 

The wind stopping in its tracks. 

And an arrow headed right for your heart. 

“Oh my God!” You shout quickly, unable to do much except alert the man next to you that the two of you are in imminent danger. 

Before you can even blink, close your eyes and wait for the tip to pierce your heart, J is pushing you out of the way, sending you flying to the forest floor and he pulls his bow from his back, sending a steel arrow flying in the direction of the woods. You both wait there, only a second but it’s a second too long, until you hear a thud on the ground, a final breath, and then—

Silence. 

The moment you’re both positive the assailant is dead, J turns to you, eyes wide. “Y/N, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, I’m alright,” you assure him, telling him (and yourself) over and over as he pulls you up from the ground. Your heart is racing and you can’t quite seem to catch your breath, but you’re alive and so is he, and that’s all that matters. “Are you?”

“Yes,” he immediately says. “As long as you are.”

You look behind him to find an arrow stuck in a tree, but what alarms you more is the sight of blood on the tip. Immediately, you turn back to J, only to find the side of his arm covered in blood, bleeding right through his armor.

“Oh my God, J, you’re hurt,” you cry out, fumbling for something to stop the flow.

“I’m alright, Y/N, really,” he insists, placing a hand on top of your own, rubbing the back of it with his thumb for good measure. “It’s just a graze. I’ll be fine.”

“We have to take you back to the kingdom,” you push, already beginning to head back towards the gate. 

“I’ve suffered worse injuries, Y/N, seriously,” he tells you, hoping to ease the pit of worry in your stomach. “I’m a top-ranked knight who prefers the battlefield over anything else. I’ve broken bones, gotten stabbed, and nearly died. This? It’s nothing. Really. Please, don’t worry.”

“We still have to get you back to the Kingdom and patch you up,” you insist firmly. “Even if you say you’re alright.”

“Whatever you say, Miss Y/N.” J goes with you obligingly, lets you walk him back to the kingdom gates. 

You urge him into the local medical practitioner, sit him down on the bench and watch as the doctor bandages his wound, reminds him not to engage in any strenuous activity while it’s healing. He sits patiently, glaring at you slightly and rolling his eyes any time the doctor speaks, which is fairly frequently. It’s clear only one of you wants to be here right now, and it’s the one of you without a scratch on your body. 

When the doctor leaves to tend to another patient, you get up from where you’re seated and sit down next to him on the bench, resting your head on his shoulder. 

Working for the Kingdom makes you stronger. Sitting in the cafe makes you think. But being with him, standing by his side, it makes you wonder. It makes your heart race and your mind clear. It makes you feel safe. 

“I think you saved my life,” you whisper softly, clutching onto him like a lifeline, like if you let go, one of you will drown. 

But that’s not the case. Neither of you will let go. Not without the other. Never without the other. 

“Really?” He asks. He already knows the answer. 

“No, I know you did,” you tell him. Things are different now, but maybe they’ve always been like this. You just never noticed. “Because in a heartbeat, I would do the same for you.”

♚ HERE ♚

“I have not seen Seokjin all day,” Jimin comments loudly one day, making everyone immediately turn to Seokjins’ desk, which looks practically untouched. His computer is asleep, his chair is pushed in, and his desktop is empty. The only thing that suggests that the man is even here in the first place is the messenger bag resting against the desk drawers, though it doesn’t look like it’s even been opened today. 

“Probably too busy avoiding you,” Yoongi deadpans, earning a “zing!” from Hoseok that makes you feel even more like you’re standing in the middle of a high school movie made by people who don’t know what high school is like. 

“Is he even in today?” 

“He is,” you pipe up. “His bag is here.”

“Of course you would know!” Taehyung teases, and he earns a highlighter to the face for his trouble. 

“He’s probably just trying to get his work done in a place that doesn’t consist of screaming and constant insults being hurled across the room,” Jimin says with a sigh, turning back to his work. It’s a fair statement, especially when the environment in your office is most often distracting, loud, and not at all an ideal work environment. It’s an absolute wonder that any of you manage to get your work done while you’re here. 

“Y/N, wanna go hunt him down?” Taehyung suggests, sending a wink your way as your eyes widen. 

“No, absolutely not, no way. I will not be tricked by you again,” you say, very reminiscent of the last time you went to go look for Seokjin and ended up with a coffee-stained shirt and a group of coworkers who thinks the two of you hooked up that one time. 

“If you say so…” Taehyung says, voice trailing off as he turns back to his work. 

But for once in your life, Seokjin’s absence is more noticeable than ever. He’s become a fixture in your everyday office life, always stopping by your desk with a second cup of low-grade office coffee for you (with a lid, of course), sending you emails complaining about Jimin and Hoseok when they’re being loud, asking you for help on every one of his difficult font decisions for logo designs, drafting emails to clients with you. It’s a sort of closeness that you never really had before—sure, you worked together and often got paired up for projects, but it’s different now. Like you jumped ship on being just colleagues but instead of drowning, you began to float.

Five more minutes pass and you pretty much resign yourself to getting back to your work, knowing that Seokjin’s probably just grabbed his laptop and found a place where he can work in peace and quiet without Hoseok’s shrill voice interrupting his thoughts. You’ll have to ask him what place he’s discovered. 

When there are four minutes left in the workweek and you are finally beginning to close out of the fifteen thousand tabs open on your Google Chrome window, the door busts open. 

It doesn’t actually bust open, so much as Seokjin comes flying through it and it slowly goes to rest on the padded door frame like it’s been designed to. His tie is loose around his neck like he’s been tugging on it all afternoon, his laptop is clenched carefully between his arm and his torso, and he’s got a flurry of papers freeballing it in a stack in his hands. 

“Oh my God, what tornado did you come from?” Jimin asks as Seokjin rushes over to his desk, cramming everything into his tiny messenger bag that definitely isn’t meant to fit a laptop and a stack of papers that thick. 

“Sehun just dumped an entire project on me that’s due on Sunday at noon with no warning, and now I have to pull together fragments of a crumbling magazine label before their final review on Sunday afternoon,” he says, terribly out of breath. He’s scrambling to gather his belongings, crashing into anything within a two-foot radius of him. 

“Dude, what the heck? I’m gonna tell Namjoon to kick Sehun’s ass,” Hoseok says with a frown, nose scrunched up. “Do you need help?”

“No, no, I’m alright, I can do it,” Seokjin insists, rubbing a hand through his hair as he leaves before the clock has even struck five. 

“Are you sure? You look like you want to jump out of the window,” Hoseok asks again, just for clarification. He’s not wrong. You don’t think you’ve ever seen Seokjin become so stressed in such a short period of time before. “At least let one of us help you get settled back into your apartment.”

To your right, Taehyung whispers into Jungkook’s ear, who then does this sort of weird hand movement to Hoseok, who nods understandingly. It looks suspiciously like they just plotted someone’s murder. 

“I can’t,” Jungkook says with an obnoxiously fake yawn, suddenly speaking much slower than usual, “I’m deadbeat tired.”

“Me neither,” Taehyung says, coughing in the way people do when they just want to get out of something. “I think I’m coming down with something.”

You whip your head around as everyone besides Yoongi comes up with an absolutely bullshit excuse not to accompany Seokjin to his apartment—Jimin says he has a date right after work and Hoseok says he needs to feed his puppy before he gets too hungry, leaving only you and a Yoongi that hasn’t been listening to the conversation whatsoever to vie for the spot. 

“Yoongi?” You ask, somewhat desperate not to be the one to accompany Seokjin to his apartment. You turn to your head to glare at Taehyung, who shamelessly coughs again when he meets your eyes, smiling guiltily. 

“Huh?” He asks, turning around. 

“Fine, you know what? I can come with,” you say with a sigh, already grabbing your belongings as Taehyung and Jungkook high-five next to you. 

“Oh, really? You’re a lifesaver, Y/N, you know that?” Seokjin says, and even when he’s stressed it’s like the weight has been lifted off of his shoulders once you volunteer, and you suppose that there are worse things that can happen than accompanying Seokjin to his apartment for ten minutes. 

Seokjin gives you the address of his place so that you can drive to it yourself, the both of you pulling into the parking garage underneath his apartment complex at the same time, waving to each other from adjacent parking spaces. 

“I really, really appreciate this, Y/N,” Seokjin says with a smile as he brings you into his apartment complex, nodding a friendly hello to the security officer in the lobby. “I know that it’s a Friday night and everything as well. You’d probably want to be doing something else.”

“Ah, yes, you know me, I frequent all of the clubs and bars in this city,” you say sarcastically as you walk into the elevator. Seokjin hits the button for the seventh floor and laughs. “Seriously, it’s not a big deal. It was a dick move of Sehun to drop this on you when it’s due in, like, thirty-six hours.”

“Tell me about it,” Seokjin says, exasperated as he leans back against the steel walls of the elevator. “I thought I would just get to go home this Friday night, pull up Netflix, and have a one-man movie night, but now I have to spend the next thirty-six hours doing this.”

“Well, you know all of us are just looking out for you, wanted to make sure you didn’t injure yourself from stress before you got back to your apartment,” you say as the elevator door dings. Seokjin leads you down the hallway to his door, sticking his key in and jiggling it until the door pops open. 

Admittedly, you have never been in Seokjin’s apartment, but you it was like you had already painted a picture of it in your head from his personality traits alone. You thought it would be fairly minimalistic, clean and neat, not too many flashy colors or kitschy items but things like photographs and magnets to make it feel like an office and more like a home. Pictured it as a sort of very simple, modern home, like the ones that celebrities live in because they can afford to keep their belongings clean all the time, because Seokjin looks exactly like a celebrity, gorgeous and put-together. 

Instead, Seokjin’s apartment is almost a hodgepodge of everything he could think to find to decorate, a stack of photobooks on his coffee table, slouchy leather couches wrinkled from wear, various kitchen supplies splayed all over his countertops. It’s the kind of place you can imagine him being in, existing in. You can see him standing behind his kitchen island with all of the ingredients and supplies for this wonderful dish he’s making littered across the counters. You can see him curled up on the couch, leaning against the corner of it to find that perfect spot, watching television. 

There’s a difference between owning a place, and living in it. Living in it makes it feels like a home, like it’s real, and not just for show. 

“Wow, your place is—”

“It’s really messy right now, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t expecting guests,” Seokjin says, letting his messenger bag plop down on the ground as he scrambles to make his living space nicer for you. 

“No, I was going to say it’s lovely,” you tell him. “It feels exactly like you.”

“Does it?” Seokjin asks genuinely, a soft smile lacing his features. “Well then, thank you.”

You wait around in his apartment awkwardly, not really sure if stepping past the front of his couch is socially acceptable since you’re just “visiting” and he hasn’t officially invited you inside yet. The main objective of accompanying him to his apartment has already been accomplished: you made sure he got home safely and that he can do his work in peace. Finished. But even still, you’re hanging around, wondering when he’s going to kick you out for being a weird, unknown fixture in his home. 

“Um, would you like to stay for dinner? I made soup last night and I have way too much for me to eat on my own,” he offers, opening up his fridge and taking out an enormous pot. It clinks as it hits his countertop, the metal sound echoing throughout his apartment. 

“No, I wouldn’t want to intrude,” you say, taking this as your cue to remove yourself from the situation before you do anything else to make an absolute fool of yourself. 

“I insist, please,” Seokjin says, stopping you in your tracks. “I may have a whole project to finish by Sunday, but we should at least spend this Friday night together, right?”

You look down at your shoes before looking up at him, meeting his eyes from where he stands behind his counter island. 

“Then I will,” you say, removing your flats and padding over to where he stands, coming to a stop on the other side of the counter island. “But only if you let me help you with the project, too. It was asshole-y of Sehun to dump it all on you. At least let me handle some of the graphic aspects.”

“Y/N,” Seokjin says, reaching his hand out over the counter, “you have a deal.”

This deal mainly consists of you eating some of Seokjin’s homemade soup on his couches, your laptops on his coffee table and that ridiculously thick stack of papers spread out amongst you. Seokjin already has a fair bit of information about the project at hand, but he still has absolutely zero progress since he received the assignment four minutes before the end of the workweek. 

“So, basically, what we have to do is re-organize the magazine’s overall design and aesthetic before their final review on Sunday, because if they don’t appeal to the publisher, they’re getting tanked,” Seokjin says, paging through the papers in search of a sketch. 

“So we’re their last hope,” you summarize. 

Seokjin nods. “We’re their last hope.”

“Great,” you say, not at all enthused. “No pressure at all.”

“I know. I’m so relaxed right now,” Seokjin says, clearly not relaxed. 

“You know what’s making me relaxed? This soup,” you say, finishing the last of what’s in your bowl. “It’s delicious. I didn’t know you cooked.”

“It’s just a hobby of mine,” Seokjin says with a shrug. “I picked it up when I moved to college and didn’t know how to make anything except toast.”

“You’re a very fast learner, then,” you say. “I’d pay you to make all of my meals, honestly.”

“Would you like more? I have a ton, so we can eat it all if you’d like,” he asks, already standing up and reaching his hand out for your bowl. 

You hand it over, shaking your head as he makes his way back to his little kitchen, ladling more soup into both of your bowls. “You’re too nice, Seokjin. Seriously. How am I supposed to pay back this kindness?”

Seokjin lets out a warm chuckle as he warms up your next serving in the microwave. “Believe me, Y/N, volunteering to take on this project with me with a due date in less than thirty-six hours is more than enough. You really don’t have to do this, you know.”

“No,” you tell him. “I want to. You deserve someone who’s willing to help you with big things like this. You shouldn’t have to deal with it all on your own.”

Seokjin grins as he returns, handing you your bowl of soup as you get back to work. “I don’t deserve you, Y/N.”

What was supposed to be a couple of hours spent grinding out a project over a shared pot of soup turns into a night’s worth of work, scribbles on paper and the redoing of the same logo fifteen different times on your computer’s much slower, less-updated version of Photoshop. The application crashes on three different occasions, causing you to nearly slam it into the wall, but you just try to look on the bright side. Find the silver lining. Of which there are none. 

Seokjin doesn’t seem to be faring any better than you are. You’ve never seen the man under such pressure before, not in the office and certainly not while you’re out of the office. He’s tugged on a crewneck sweater over his dress shirt and paces around his apartment in bright pink slippers, brainstorming aloud as you bounce ideas off of each other in a panic. 

“What if we rebranded them?” Seokjin suggests wildly. When you turn to look at the digital clock underneath his television, it says 11:17PM. You’re surprised he hasn’t collapsed underneath the pile of work he’s got on his plate. 

“What do you mean? Do we even have the authorization to rebrand them?” You ask, pulling up a new tab on magazine marketing techniques. 

“The project description says requests for anything that will keep them afloat,” Seokjin says. He immediately opens an old photobook, buried underneath your laptops, sketches, and papers, flipping through before he sits down right next to you on his slouchy leather couch. “What if we gave them more of a minimalist kind of style? They’re trying to jump off of this super quirky, very basic Urban Outfitters kind of aesthetic, but I think it makes the magazine too young, you know?” Seokjin suggests. “We could do something more grown-up, attract their market audience.”

“Are we allowed to do that?” You ask, thoroughly interested. Maybe Seokjin’s onto something. 

“Who says we can’t?” Seokjin responds, and it’s good enough for you to hop on board. 

Sitting in his apartment like this, brainstorming different ideas and collaborating on logo designs, magazine layout, and website design together, you are more productive than you’ve been in a very, very long time. Even as the night stretches on into the early hours of the morning, as you watch the clock turn from 1:00AM to 2:00AM to 3:00AM, the two of you are wide awake, the only things illuminating his apartment being a floor lamp by his television and the blue light of your laptop screens. 

“It’s…” Seokjin yawns when it’s nearly four in the morning, pen slipping from his fingers, “so late.”

“I know,” you say back, feeling your eyelids beginning to sink. “I’m surprised we’ve even stayed up this long.”

“Haven’t been up this late since college,” Seokjin says, smiling hazily at past memories. “Always had code to finish for my class the next morning.”

“At least we get to sleep in now,” you joke. Even if you still have to finish putting together a brand new image for this magazine that’s about to go under, tomorrow is still a Saturday. 

“Thank God,” Seokjin says, resting his head on the back of the couch cushion, letting his eyes flutter shut. “I feel like we did a lot tonight.”

“We were very productive,” you agree.

He yawns. “We work well together, don’t you think?”

“Hmm?” You ask, leaning over to move your computer from your lap to the coffee table, exchanging it for a sketchpad to keep brainstorming. 

“I think,” Seokjin begins, and it must be just the sleepy haze his brain has entered rather than anything else that could spur him to express this, that makes him say, “that you and I make a perfect pair.”

You sit up straight at this, looking over at Seokjin as the pencil in between your fingers falls onto the sketchpad before rolling onto the floor. It looks like he’s fallen asleep, exhaustion finally overcoming him as all of the work he’s done catches up to him. In the dead of night, the only sound in the room is his soft breathing, chest rising and falling slowly as his mind begins to wander. You watch him, eyelids heavy, and think that he couldn’t have possibly thought that. No way would he say such a thing to you if he was perfectly cognizant, wide awake. After all, you’re the one with a crush on him, not the other way around. 

You lean back, pondering why a man like Seokjin would ever invite you into his home, offer you soup, and shower you with subtle compliments that couldn’t just be friends being friends, and before you know it, your eyes fall shut. 

It is nearly one in the afternoon by the time you wake up, the sunlight streaming in from the side of his apartment. It forces you to finally open your eyes, groaning as your blurry vision begins to clear. 

That is when you register these four things in this order:

This is Seokjin’s apartment.

This is Seokjin’s apartment, in which you worked on a project with him last night.

This is Seokjin’s apartment, and you fell asleep on his couch. 

This is Seokjin’s apartment, and he thinks that you’d make the perfect pair. 

You hear a clink from across the room, and turn to find Seokjin, still wearing the same thing he was wearing last night, standing in his kitchen, pouring two glasses of orange juice. 

“Morning,” Seokjin says. He pauses, then corrects himself. “Afternoon, actually.” He walks over to you, handing you a glass of orange juice as you rub your eyes, waking yourself up.

“How long have you been up?” You ask him, too tired to thank him out loud for the glass of orange juice. 

“About an hour,” he says, checking the time. “I didn’t want to wake you up. You looked so peaceful.”

“I feel awful, I didn’t mean to intrude on your apartment for, like, an entire night,” you say, rubbing your forehead as you try to smooth out your hair, make yourself look less like you fell asleep at four in the morning in your gorgeous crush’s apartment. 

“No, it’s alright, really,” Seokjin insists. “It was nice having company, for once. And I think we got a lot done.”

“I still feel bad, I didn’t mean to stay so long,” you say, looking around for your belongings as you try to gather your bearings. 

“It’s fine,” Seokjin reassures you, sitting down on the couch next to you as he begins to clean up the absolute mess of the coffee table. “But your phone has been ringing nonstop, so someone must have missed you.”

You fumble around for your phone before finding it having slid in between the couch cushions, pulling it up to see three missed calls from Taehyung and two missed calls from Jungkook, as well as a slew of texts from the both of them. 

“Oh, it’s just Taehyung and Jungkook,” you say with a shrug, deciding that now is not the time to bring them into the conversation. A quick scan of the texts gives you a rough summary of what you would have heard if you had answered their calls instead. 

Taehyung (9:35AM): Y/N Taehyung (9:35AM): HELLO Taehyung (9:35AM): ARE YOU ALIVE??? Taehyung (9:36AM): YOU NEVER SLEEP THIS LATE ARE YOU OKAY??? Taehyung (10:03AM): I WENT BY YOUR APARTMENT AND YOU DIDN’T ANSWER IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT Taehyung (10:04AM): TEXT ME 1 IF EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND 2 IF EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY Taehyung (10:05AM): LAST TIME I SAW YOU YOU WERE GOING HOME WITH SEOKJIN DID HE MURDER YOU??????? Taehyung (10:18AM): oh Taehyung (10:18AM): oh wait Taehyung (10:19AM): OHHHHHHHHH Taehyung (10:20AM): ;)

Jungkook (12:18PM): Kingdom just started a new event! Get online with me and let’s crush this thing pleaseeeee

“Just want me to play Kingdom with them,” you say, ignoring Taehyung’s text messages and pretending like they don’t exist.

“You really like that game, don’t you?” Seokjin asks. 

“Oh, they like it more than I do, really, I just try and keep the obsession to a minimum,” you say casually. 

“But they always talk about how good you are,” Seokjin adds. “You’re ranked second, aren’t you? That’s a big accomplishment.”

“Yeah, but it’s not that exciting. I mean, it’s just a game,” you shrug it off. 

“But you like it, which means that’s important,” Seokjin says. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of the things you like. They matter to you.”

“You think so?” You ask, smiling at him. 

“I know so. Tell me about Kingdom,” he urges, nudging your side. “Please? I’d love to know.”

And for once, you don’t just shrug it off and brand it as a game you play occasionally. You let yourself love that game, for all it’s done for you and your friends (even if you aren’t the best anymore) and your happiness, and you tell Seokjin about it. About how you started playing it when you were bored one day during work and saw a forum on it. How you got the rest of the office hooked on it as well, even if they were much more obnoxious about it than you are. How you go home after a long day of work and log on, letting yourself relax as you weave your way through the rankings and quests, finding solace in the familiarity of it all. You tell him why you love it, and why you probably won’t stop playing it for a long time, no matter what becomes of your ranking. 

“It was nice being ranked first, but I actually don’t mind whoever it is that’s taken over,” you tell Seokjin honestly. “Jungkook wants to hunt them down, but I think that, whoever they are, they deserve that spot. You know, I used to hate them because the top-ranked player gets all of the best rewards, but our characters have recently started to spend so much time together that I feel like they’d probably have fallen in love by now.” You chuckle to yourself. If life were a movie, everything would always work out perfectly.

“You do?” Seokjin asks, eyes wide. 

“Yeah, of course,” you say. “They spend so much time together. Who wouldn’t, right?”

“I suppose you’re right,” Seokjin says, smiling. “I also have something to tell you.”

You shake your head. “Don’t tell me you’re obsessed with anime, please. That is where I draw the line.”

“Don’t shame us,” Seokjin says, a hand on his heart like he’s been personally offended. Your eyes widen. “I’m kidding,” he says, laughing as you exhale, relieved. “I actually play Kingdom, too. I just wanted to ask you about it.”

“Seriously? All this time and you just pretended like you had no idea what it was?” you say in disbelief. He’s been hiding this from you for how long? God, the rest of your office is going to have a field day with this information. 

“I just wanted you to tell me about it,” Seokjin admits sheepishly. 

You shake your head. “You could have talked to me about other stuff, you know.”

“I know, but you never talked about Kingdom and I could always see how much you loved it. It was nice, listening to you tell me about it,” he says. 

“I’ve been betrayed,” you say dramatically, opening up your laptop to pull up the game. “What’s your ID? We can add each other.”

This is where Seokjin goes silent. “Actually, I think you might already know who I am. I’m above you in the rankings.”

Your mouth drops open. 

“You’re JK0901? Are you kidding me?” You ask, absolutely floored. All this time and you had no idea that Kim Seokjin was a Kingdom expert. “What does JK stand for? I was convinced it was Jungkook and he was just lying to my face, but in reality, it was you who was lying to me!”

Seokjin lets out a chuckle. “Jin Kim. I’m surprised you guys didn’t figure it out earlier.”

“I can’t believe this,” you say, practically speechless. “How long have you been playing?” 

“Not that long,” Seokjin shrugs. “I picked it up because I wanted to impress a girl I liked.”

“Really? All this effort for a girl you like?” You ask, still in disbelief. You suck up the way your heart is sinking at the thought of him liking another person, but then you remember that it wasn’t like you had ever made a move on him anyway. Smiling, you ask, “Will you at least humor me and tell me who it is?”

Then, Seokjin looks you dead in the eye, and says, “You.”

He doesn’t give you time to respond. Instead, he wraps a hand around your torso and pulls you into him, pressing his lips firmly on yours as you gasp into his mouth, body tensing up before you melt into his touch. 

It’s a quick kiss, nothing too crazy, but it overwhelms you nonetheless, leaves you gasping for air like you’ve been underwater this whole time and have finally surfaced. When you part, you look up into his eyes only to find that they’ve turned into crescents. He’s grinning down at you like he’s finally gotten it right. 

“You did all of that for me?” You ask. “How did you even know?”

Seokjin looks particularly guilty. “You’re not necessarily… that discreet, Y/N.”

You close your eyes, the heat already flaring in your cheeks. “Oh God, you knew?”

“It was fairly easy to figure out,” Seokjin admits. “But the good news is: I felt the same way. So, no harm done.”

“I’m so embarrassed,” you say, curling into his chest so you don’t have to look him in the eye. 

“You’re incredible, Y/N, you know that?” He asks, pulling you away from him just so he can get a better look at you. He’s standing in front of you, looking at you like this is what he’s been waiting for. Like all this time, he’s been waiting for you. “I’d do it all over again if it meant I could end up with you.”

“You would?” You ask, pulling him in for another kiss. There’s plenty more where those came from, but you’re already feeling greedy. Why wouldn’t you? If life was a movie, then wouldn’t this be the happy ending? 

“In a heartbeat.”

↳ links are broken, but don’t forget to message me with any thoughts or feedback!

↳ check out the post-script drabble here!

[pestopascal]

While I will absolutely agree that CB2077 isn’t the ONLY game doing all this bullshit, or that other AAA studios don’t deserve the flack CDPR is getting, I have to say that this is absolutely the perfect storm and I think people are FINALLY seeing the problems in modern AAA gaming. CB2077 might be fun to play, may have a good story, but it’s almost impossible to see because of the glaring issues. Which, honestly, is a good thing. I hope games change after this.

under here

AAA studios have been like this and this sort of release has been completely normalised on all accounts by both the businesses themselves and fans because of the inherent reliance on modders (bethesda at the forefront of this), as well as the pushback every time companies actually go ‘uh we need a lil more time’ (although... they just shouldnt announce potential release dates, im even of the camp they shouldnt even start releasing the game until like 6 months out from their official date because they fuck it up every time. borderlands 3 being the only game i know of being in “secret” development and then announcing itself in march for a september release. game itself aside, thats how companies should do it). easily i can remember a lot of 2011 release games which have had the exact same issues as cp77′s release, and then every other game in between since. very rarely do you actually have a game that isn’t a fucked up mess of a pile of pixels. and it is always the customisable character ones that are honestly, genuinely, ugly looking at release. but you can definitely say its been happening looooooong before 2011, with unrealistic expectations, word limits, 11 month time frames, offloading sequels to smaller companies so they can suffer if it fails, etc etc. the entire system has been like this for so long... they dont know any real different nowadays.

i mean look. tlou2 released under crunch conditions this year, and was rewarded. it was ALL over the social media feeds, it was quite the controversy because, surprise surprise, the company promised they wouldnt do it uwu and then. bam ! crunch conditions. literally around that time too, bioware employees came out with a statement saying ‘man we wish dai FAILED so that back in 2014 we couldve proven crunch was a wrong practice’. they say this as well after having to produce da2 in 14 months, which just suffered from fans and journalism for reusing environments, because it was produced in 14 months, and honestly? no one pointed that out back then, bioware themselves pointed it out again this year, 6 years after release, that that game was produced in 14 months. rdr2′s release was hounded by stories of crunch, and they all disappeared into the night because... it was heralded as the best game of all time. that was 2018, 2 years ago.

i think too is that some people get kind of ... morally and ethically concerned. which is understandable. can you consume something when you know it was made under conditions like crunch? and i think one of the most confronting things about it is that 9/10, not only has your favourite company engaged in crunch conditions, they almost actively choose to continue with them. and then that’s a whole other bag of issues blown up over there when it comes to what is able to be consumed what isn’t etc etc

i think also like a mix of marketing, promises and then the expectations of what the game will be like have really had cdpr earn the ire of fans which is just like... you don’t believe what these companies are saying. you never should, esp when it’s their ceo’s saying it who don’t work on the actual floor. bioware itself is the main culprit of doing this to the point they finally came around with all the da4 concept art and teasing to be like ‘ummm but actually dont get invested?’. remember all that qunari lady fanart that bioware management was like ... please dont get attached? yeah. yeah. like at what point as well is there going to be heavy level of apprehension to approach this? and i can’t really talk either, i cracked open the door for mass effect again. i know exactly what kind of shit bioware will pull, i know they are teasing it already on social media, but mass effect is my ride or die series. that’s why people keep opening the door on letting these companies get away with it. and you can’t fault fans entirely either because this is down to a science of how to get money. i mean, fuck, mass effect andromeda’s entire advertising campaign HINGED on the n7 logo. for the nostalgia value. and i see text posts in the same vein of both ‘guys, disney isnt gonna fuck you if you consume every remake for nostalgia value’ and ‘its understandable why people do it’.

so then you have to go ‘well are fans as just to blame’ and then that’s a whole other argument.

i think also like. i personally havent run into aaaannnyyyyyyy of the issues that you see posted online. which is ironic bc 1) i play on ps4 and 2) its an old dusty ps4. in fact a lot of ppl i have spoken to who have had issues have played on pc. does this mean the glitches dont exist? ofc not, the vids and screenshots are right there. but like... ive had a basically unhindered experience so far, and i get where ppl are coming from (i do, i promise) where theyve basically found the game unplayable. is there also a standard of what ppl consider unplayable because ive played most AAA games at launch when they basically rushed to slap the box label on the game and called it a day until they work on patches. when ppl consider unplayable is also just... different per person. some people have a slight blur on the screen when turning too fast even in an MMO and decide the game is horrible and unplayable. some people can have broken quests and npcs not loading and falling through maps and still be fine. there’s no agreed statement of what makes a game unplayable either, which is why you read threads on twitter and someone goes ‘yeah this npc t-posed so i quit in the first hour’ with a dozen replies. everyone has different levels of it.

it’s a mixed bag of issues. im not excusing cdpr, but the ppl who worked on the game are honestly likely not the ones who pushed for a release. you’ve gotta look at sony and microsoft and ceo’s with bonuses coming up and the investors and shareholders and people who sit behind computers and read numbers detailing interest and demand and supply and how every single time they had to delay this game, the loudest (but smallest) bunch of assholes on like reddit and in the twitter threads complained that it was delayed AGAIN even though back in what 2015? they said it’ll come out when it’s ready. and yeah there are times when game delays result in a mismatched half assed sort of story (kh3... p5... ffxv... dai...) and then there are times when, if they need to delay the game... they probably need to delay the game. sometimes delays are bad sometimes theyre good sometimes you are sitting there like whew if you only didn’t try to be like THIS TIME this is the release date.

the ONLY WAY this will stop happening is, quite frankly, unionising. and everyone is allergic to that whole concept so like... this is “the perfect storm” as you put it. but it’s also not. people have been so disappointed over the last 2 years alone for gaming companies, the final product, the attitudes from higher ups, that i think cdpr is receiving a good few years worth of anger. i think theyre also on the receiving end of misdirection from american fans who still don’t fucking get the company isn’t american, because that’s another bag of issues as well. like we’re holding at least 8 bags of groceries out of the back of the car now, and we don’t want to take another trip, because there are so many little bits of this entire situation to look at. there’s so much back and forth.

i think the worst, but most realistic thing is: games won’t change. how they will social media wise will. maybe. assuming bioware gets their heads out their asses but... they’re going to be a lot more careful. i mean, hell, sony offered refunds. that was just a publicity stint. they dont give a fuck if the game was bad. as i said before, if they did, they would make all companies fix trophy problems, starting from like 2010 or whenever the trophy system first came out. they just don’t wanna fall in alongside cdpr being thrown on its sword. but the companies are gonna learn from this, get smarter, still do the same shit to their employees, still pay off journalists, still do media blackouts, etc etc. and we’re gonna be here in another year’s time, with another game, having these same roundabout arguments, and cp77′s issues are gonna fade into just a wikipedia article.

[dionysus-is-my-dude]

Seasonal Depression and Mental Health

So, as many of you know, I struggle with several mental illnesses, including anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and bipolar type II. It’s that time of year when it can be really dark and cold, and this can cause depression in a lot of folks. I had never believed myself to be someone who would struggle with that, but I normally work more hours and am not at home all day everyday other than that. So I’m actually dealing some seasonal depression myself. I’ve been doing better at taking my morning meds, which help with my mood swings and ADHD. But with my hours severely cut at work, and with me no longer going to university, I spend the majority of my time in my craft room. And it’s not like I’m not being productive. I’ve been writing and working on my digital art. But I just feel...down. I’m gonna start doing yoga, and maybe zumba since some videos are up on youtube. i did a short 10 minute yoga stretch this morning when I got up BEFORE BREAKFAST. Most days, nothing is more important to me than breakfast immediately after waking up.

I cleaned my bedroom. And once I’m finished with this post, I’m gonna clean the fish tank. Tomorrow is shower day. I may clean the craft room Monday. I hopefully have an appointment with my sleep doctor to just go over my sleep apnea and insomnia. I need new parts for my cpap, so I need to see her. I work more hours next week, so here’s hoping that next paycheck is nice cuz they’ve been super small lately.

Food wise, I’m trying to eat less pasta. More fish, chicken, and ground beef/turkey meals. Grandma got us an air fryer for Christmas and I’ve been using that a lot. I still have issues cooking. Like when I look at a recipe, if there are too many ingredients or steps I just close the recipe. But, less pasta, more meat, and I need to eat more fruit and veggies, of course. That’s just extra steps to a recipe, though, and that kinda irritates me.

I’ll be meeting a team of psychologists in March for my first autism screening. I’m really unsure of how I’m feeling. Probably a mix of hopeful and anxious. I just want it to be over and have an answer already. Patience is not one of my strongsuits.

Anyway, there’s my mental health update. Congratulations to all those who made it through this retched first month of 2021. May the rest of the year be better.

[dear-kumari]

I mean to send you a question for the "Ask me 1 thing" but totally forgot! I feel like I can probably guess how & why you got into animation, so instead: do you have a specific direction you want to go in with it? Work for a particular studio, in a particular genre/style, what types of projects, etc.? Like, ideally, where in the industry would you like to end up?

Good question! ^.^

I don’t know about a specific direction, but I do have some directions in mind.  Maybe too many directions.  They all involve staying in the US, for better or worse, because I’m still monolingual and inexperienced with traveling.  As for where I’d like to end up career-wise and what kind of projects I’d like to work on, that’s a little complicated.

[Warning: long post]

Before all that, though, I should probably preface that I’m still not sure if I’m going into the animation industry.  Not just because I’m inexperienced, don’t have a proper portfolio, don’t mesh with the genres/art styles that are popular here, can’t risk moving far from home rn, might never be disciplined enough for the industry, might never have the basic social skills and connections necessary to network in a highly competitive field ……  Yeah, I don’t mean to sound so pessimistic, but I generally try to be realistic about my options so I don’t get hurt as much. :’D  More importantly, though, I’m not sure if animation really is the right path for me — like, I love animation, I think my best ideas involve animation, and I think there’s so much untapped potential in the medium, but if the work climate of the industry isn’t good for me then it just isn’t.

So for now, I’m also getting an Art History major, keeping grad school options open, and learning skills/programs that are more relevant to webcomics and graphic design, just in case.  I think I’m gonna take a gap year after I graduate to just breathe, polish my portfolio/resume, and try to figure everything out.  Again, I’m not trying to be down on myself or anything; I do think I have marketable talents and whatnot, it’s just that … I’m not marketable, if that makes sense.  And I’m not really sure if I want to be. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Okay, with that boring brutal honesty out of the way, let’s get to the fun part!

The thing about major studios in the US is that most of them are in one if the worst places in the world, Los Angeles.  I don’t want to think too hard about having to live in or anywhere near LA or the LA County, even though it’s my most likely path; so for now, my big sky-castle dream is getting a job at Powerhouse Animation in Austin, Texas.  Austin isn’t exactly the best place to live in either, but my understanding is that it's still much better than LA (most cities are).  Plus, it’s way closer to where I live now, and I’m much less likely to die in a fire because of poor land management and/or gender reveal parties! :D

More importantly, though, I just really respect what Powerhouse is trying to do right now.  Most TV productions in the US outsource all of their actual animation to Korea and other countries, so it’s cool to see great 2D animation still being produced in-house.  I love Japanese and Korean studios, but I think we sometimes build up this mystique around them, like they’re the only people who can animate with more sophisticated character designs.  Powerhouse’s animation can definitely get awkward at times (we’ve had this convo re: Castlevania s3, lol), but they really hit it out of the park when they can.  My best hope for them is that they start producing shows entirely in-house someday and become like a Western counterpart to KyoAni.

This was supposed to be about me, wasn’t it … anyway, yeah, I’d love to work for Powerhouse Animation and/or my super idealized vision of what Powerhouse Animation could be.  My next-best choice is to suck it up and move to LA to try for Dreamworks, Sony, Frederator, Nick, Disney (TV) and Wonderstorm in that order.  Beggars can’t be choosers ofc, but I know there are studios that I just wouldn’t be able to vibe with stylistically.  (aside: I actually really wanted to work for Disney/Pixar on animated films when I was young, but my current tastes and abilities are so far removed from the CG film industry that I’m pretty sure I’d hate working there now.)

As far as what I’d like to do in the industry, that’s a whole bag of worms unto itself.  I’ve basically looked into every job in animation production besides the actual animation.  Storyboard artist (or revisionist, more likely) is my best bet for an entry position, which is great, because I love storyboarding!  And if you’re good at that, you can go up the ladder in a pretty traditional way, from storyboard artist to episode director and so on.

But, I’m also aware that there are barriers for people on that side of production, and that you’re more likely to move up to producer or showrunner positions if you start out as a writer or production assistant.  (Unless you’re working on a storyboard-driven show, of course, but I generally don’t like storyboard-driven shows …)  Writers and PAs don’t need to be good at drawing, obviously; writers need to be able to write collaboratively, while PAs need to be good at … being on top of scheduling/organization and being personable, as far as I can tell.  My general impression is that these positions are even harder to get into than the visual side of production and are based even more in Networking™, but I could be wrong.  Those positions might actually be more in line with my skills, but again, barriers to entry and whatnot.

A lot of the rules of the industry seem nebulous and arbitrary anyway, so idk.  Some people just get lucky and go straight from pitching shows to running them.  Besides, I don’t even know if I’d want the responsibility of being a showrunner — again, unless it’s at least a bit like my idealized vision of what showrunning should be.  Maybe I’m more of a writer.  Or a character designer.  Or a comics artist pretending to be a good fit for this industry (see, if the US had a comics-to-cartoon pipeline like Japan this wouldn’t be so difficult!)

At the same time, though, I think most people who enter the industry have a similar kind of struggle.  Like, you watch cartoons/anime as a kid and see behind-the-scenes footage, and you have this Vision of what kind of project you’d like to work on, and it’s not until much later than you realize that you’ll probably never have much of a say in it.  Even people who aren’t interested in pitching or producing shows have to grapple with that, I think.  Most of the storyboard artists/revisionists I follow on social media have personal side projects, like a webcomic or a pitch, that they’re clearly more passionate about than the actual shows they work on.  It’s not that they don’t like storyboarding that much — heck, that’s probably still their favorite thing to do! — or that they don’t like being part of a team.  I just don’t think anyone really goes into this field wanting to be part of an industry pipeline, if that makes sense.  Nobody’s brain is perfectly suited for a highly specialized corporate position.

So … in conclusion, Powerhouse Animation is cool, We Are All Renaissance Men, and I didn’t even talk about what kind of projects I want to work on, did I?  I guess AtLA, TSSM, and GL:TAS were big influences on me growing up; so, if the industry is still heavily entrenched in action-adventure shows for kids for the next decade, I’d be happy to work on shows like that.  I’d really love to work on  dark, mature stories, pretty slice-of-life, and/or technically ambitious productions that reflect my tastes in anime, but that might be too much to ask of the US at this point.  Just … well-written, script-driven shows with decent visuals, please?  I want to be part of projects that hold up to critical scrutiny.

Okay, so in conclusion for real:  My feelings about the animation industry are complicated, but I love everything animation-related and it’s been my dream career for a long time.  I’m just not going to commit to anything until I’m more confident in myself and my abilities and what I want.  This was very rant-y and disorganized and twice as long as it probably should have been, so thanks for reading. ^.^

[fmdaidynnarchived]

idol headcanon memes (accepting)

send ∞ for a future (post-idol life) headcanon.

aidynn has no clue present time what he wants to do after he’s done with idol life or in the future in general. he just knows at some point he’s gonna spend two years doing his mandatory service, and he’ll eventually do his time as an active duty soldier despite his lung health being questionable from years of smoking cigarettes, something he may or may not seriously try to quit. 

but after that is done, he’s sure he’d like to leave the country to live somewhere else. where? aidynn hasn’t gotten that far into the planning and nor will he until he spontaenously decides to apply for a visa somewhere, but he knows south korea isn’t really where he wants to stay. without a doubt his sister and any more nieces or nephews he has by then will more than likely follow him wherever he lands.

relationship wise he’s back on his love is bullshit and nonexistent thing so a meaningful long-term relationship in general is up in the air, let alone the idea of marriage or children. he’s meh on the idea of marraige and doesn’t really see it as necessary or something he needs. he’s less meh on the idea of children if he were to somehow end up with one or more of them

the only other thing he’s sure he wants is to keep doing music once he’s not in charm anymore, some combination of lyric writing, composition, and production. he just wants to continue to make music and maybe do something with his art on the side. 

[phemonoi]

tarot cards as foster the people lyrics 🌿✨

*based on the waite tarot deck

I've wanted to do this to better understand the relation of the cards with one another and I thought it'd be a good idea to post it here!

i. aces, the magician & justice

—houdini

“rise above, gonna start the war!” / “well, and eye for an eye, and an ‘f’ for a fight” / “well, you got what you want and what you never knew, perfect gift from me to you” / “focus on your ability, then they can’t get what they want to steal”

the aces have an aura of beginning, the spark of an idea, oportunity, birth. however, the magician is the “trigger” of that change, he controls it, activates it. he’s the architect and alchemist that has the ability to make use of each suit as he pleases. with justice, as we see, this power comes with a responsability. you get back what you give. and because the magician is also an illusionist, a liar and a thief, justice needs to be there as a reminder of what happens when you abuse magic. 

ii. twos, high priestess & the hanged man

—shc

“you’re a secret, that’s worth keeping, and now i’m keeping my mouth shut” / “well, i’ve been sleeping waiting for something, but to feel nothing at all, avoid the call” / “when i’m alone, there’s a ghost the keeps talking, and i know there’s gotta be more, for sure”

the twos are a symbol of alchemy, and this can be clearly seen in the cups with the caduceus of hermes on the background. the high priestess is the master of occult knowledge, she channels cosmic knowledge through intuition, thus creating a bond, an exchange of energy within her and the universe. the hanged man needs meditation and contemplation in order to decide what’s next, what’s real from what’s an illusion. he urges stillness in order to recover, much like the two of swords.

iii. threes, the empress & death

—fire escape

“my spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint” / “I see the seasons change, all the young faces come and replace the dying ones” / “i’ve watched the dreamers find their legs, and i’ve seen the ones that come get reduced to bones and rags”

this procesion of cards illustrates the importance of cycles. the threes combine pain, sorrow (swords) with recovery, harmony (cups), planning (pentacles) with action (wands), conveying the message that one simply can’t exist without the other, for the presence of the other is what gives one its importance, its core definition. they’re light and shadow, much like birth (empress) and death. 

iv. fours, the emperor & temperance

—coming of age

“you know i try to live without regrets, i’m always moving forward and not looking back, but i tend to leave a trail of dead while moving ahead” / “just like an animal, i protect my pride, when i’m too bruised to fight, and even when i’m wrong i tend to think i’m right. well, i’m bored of the game, and too tired to rage”

the emperor is the giver of stability, as we can see in four of pentacles and four of wands. he provides a stable foundation to build a home, he’s a father. meanwhile, the four of cups and four of swords portray temperance; they’re about patience, balance, and meditation. the emperor, as a leader, needs to balance the responsability of his power out with temperance, or else he will become a tyrant, ruled by fire.

v. fives, the hierophant & the devil 

—pay the man

“say what you love, it’s alright don’t be afraid to find your light, embrace the day, at night we’re here to fight, we all go wild again” / “climbing up my own tree, hoping it can hold all the things i’ve seen but i’ve chosen to ignore. well, i said, well i believe i’ve been well fed but the wolf’s not dead” / “lift up your name, seasons change, you know that it'll never be the same, we'll see the sun again, and before it fades, i just wanna say that i love you”

this procesion is very deep. it speaks of the spirit on a level that no other procesion of cards does in the entire deck. because the hierophant is combined with the devil, i feel like it unites opposite religious concepts: heaven with hell, purity with dirt, wisdom with madness. this alchemy of the soul is pretty much a product of dionysos, and that’s why he’s often identified with both major arcanas. the fives, now, are the middle point of each suit; they mark a transcendental point in the path of the fool. they speak of poverty, sadness, confusion and conflict. this is the event that leads to the tower; the failure, the longing for illumination, the unmasking of the lies and illusions that have ruled one’s life until now. the unity of darkness and light, the highest power, thrice-born and divine, with the lowest impulses of nature, the satyrs and maenads that lure you into their orgy. the devil here demands to be payed back, he wants retribuition, while the hierophant presents himself as the saviour, the guide, that happens to also be incredibly biased. i think it’s very useful to view this procesion as a representation of dionysos, he who initiates us into the journey of self-discovery through mysteries and shadows. 

vi. sixes, the lovers & the tower 

—the truth

“well i’ve been trying to relearn my name, it feels like a thousand years that i’ve been out of frame and i surrender, the truth is what it’s what i’ve needed from you, cause i’ve been floating within your walls of opinion, and i’m tired. i only want the truth” / “a blinding call to prayer has touched my feet, like the call of the prophets, a purpose is needed before you know that you know, to never wonder what you are, and not forget where you’ve come from” / “is it really love you’ve been speaking of?”

the lovers and the tower have a closer relation than what i thought at first, and the verses of this song really show it. the lovers is, finally, the resolution of the devil and the hierophant: it is the unification of duality, the yin and yang, and its lust is still present in the devil; the impetus and dichotomy of human emotion. but the tower and the hierophant are both events of immense spiritual enlightment. they represent freedom. the sixes are about charity, change, escape, and victory. 

vii. sevens, the chariot & the star 

—doing it for the money

“just close your eyes, we’re gonna run this blind, we live our lives, we’re not wasting time, maybe we lost our minds, we’re gonna get what we can” / “i said it doesn’t matter where i go, i am calling all the poets into battle, i am shouting to the world let them know that we won’t be afraid to step into the fight when we can’t see the light” / “there’s no retreat and no escape if we keep dreaming while we’re wide awake”

dreams, hope, courage and art. this is a creative procesion of cards. after the breakdown of the sixth procesion, the seventh brings bravery forthward. there’s no time to waste and we’re now purified, convinced of our worth and what we need to do in order to achieve what is needed. we’ve accepted the situation, the nature of our uncontrolling emotions and the will of fate. the sevens take action, a bit impulsively, but still they trigger a necessary change after the depression seen with the lovers and the tower. 

viii. eights, strength & the moon

—a beginner’s guide to destroying the moon

“and now i’m staring at the moon wondering why the bottom fell out, been searching for answers and there’s questions i’ve found” / “we’ve been crying for a leader to speak like the old prophets, the blood of the forgotten wasn’t spilled without a purpose, or was it?” / “you’ll never be whole until you lose control, and think freely to smash the wall of apathy, stop your self-importance and lift the weight off somebody else”

there’s a very pretty picture on the eight of cups in the ethereal visions illuminated tarot deck, because the moon is full, shining enormously over a deep blue landscape, and that perfectly illustrates the relation of this card to the major arcana of the moon. this procesion for me is about confidence. change is never easy, even when we’ve finally surrendered to the fate of circumstances, even when we were the ones to trigger it. eight of swords and eight of cups are not easy cards to gaze at, but we must remember that the moon is a mother, it is nurturing, it reminds us of the quality of nature to be cyclical, that things are always moving and flowing, and emotions don’t last forever. it’s also a card of illusions; it yells at us to remove the blindfold from our eyes and rediscover our worth. strength is about taming the beast, keeping on working, effort and struggle. so this tells me; no matter how much it hurts, keep going, be a leader, be the lion, make the blood you shed worth it. 

xix. nines, the hermit & the sun

—pseudologia fantastica

“don’t be afraid of the knife, sometimes you gotta cut the limb to survive” / “you got to love the madness of the feeling, don’t have to rush the freshness of beginning, you got to get back up and face your demons, don’t ever be afraid of starting over”

the nines follow the archetype of the hermit and continue their path through the sun. when we’ve worked hard enough, when we’ve compromised to facing our shadow self, when we’ve retired to truly know ourselves, admiting what we’ve done, what we’re worth, and retreated into silence, then there’s a comeback filled with joy, music, light. the nine of swords is a necessary dark night of the soul leading to a definitive awakening. 

xx. the tens, wheel of fortune & judgement 

—iii

“and i wont be afraid, it’s true we’ll never know, when the night will come and take us home, and people change, we fade from youth, and evolve into eternal life” / “wake the sleeping from their dreaming, we all want more, we all want more saints will sing and hearts are beating, saying we all want more, we all want more”

there’s still much to learn in the ten of swords already, but because life is an ouroboros and our purpose is to return to having full control of all the suits and making use of that power faithfully and wisely, it doesn’t matter. in the tens, we admit that we can affect certain situations but there’s always something that escapes our sight; fortune acts alone. wheels turn again, endlessly, for eternity. we want more; the ten of cups portrays a couple with kids new life, new paths, a new story that is, again, yet to be unfold. ten of pentacles passes down its knowledge and experience to the youth; ten of wands continues with its struggle, in the conviction that the nine will come back. ten of swords, however, looks defeated. it ain’t. it’s finally the death of the past self. ten of swords is, actually, the scene of the moment the knight defeated his adversaries. it is a card of victory; but the knight is yet to become a king. 

[comicteaparty]

January 4th-January 10th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from January 4th, 2020 to January 10th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What goals do you have going forward with this new year for your story?

carcarchu

well i basically have the same goal every year which is to cover more ground, i made the mistake of making my first comic be a super long 3 part epic so it feels like it's going to take me years to make it even part way through when i try to make my chapters longer however it generally leads me to feeling burned out so i still have a way to go when it comes to finding the right length per chapter that i can put out consistently

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

In Phantomarine (http://www.phantomarine.com/), this year I finally reach the chapter where all my main characters meet and start interacting - it's where the story truly kicks off. I've spent almost 2 years in setup/exposition mode, and I finally get to exit it properly. I'm so. SO. Excited. And I really want to take my time and do it properly. It's about to get very fun for me, and I hope it will show in the work!

Cronaj

My goals mainly consist of reaching page 100. I'm over 1/4th of the way there, and I believe I can get there before 2021. I also want to reach the introduction of one of the main characters, but I don't think that'll happen this year. This character doesn't appear until the end of Ch. 5, which is somewhere around page 170-180. Am I waiting too long to introduce this character? Absolutely.

eli [a winged tale]

I am almost halfway through Arc 1 and almost at 10% of the story Looking forward to chugging away at it and hope to reach the First Plot Point by the end of the year

kayotics

I guess one of my goals is to reformat chapter 1 for printing (I drew it at the wrong size), and then update chapters 1 & 2 for colors. I’d like to compile the first four chapters into a book, but I’d like all the chapters to be visually similar in color at least.

Tuyetnhi

Gonna try to finish two chapters this year and clean up ch.1 and 2 for printing its gonna be a lot of work but I know it can be managed~

snuffysam

In terms of where the main story will go - Book 3 just started, and Chapter 1 should be finished mid-March. Chapter 2 will be finished early-mid July, maybe even late June? Chapter 3 will be finished sometime in September. And then it's Chapter 4... which won't be finished until like June 2021 lol. But anyway, by the end of the year we'll be introduced to all the important characters of this arc (though we won't have had much time with some of them). Including a character who's so important, I'd almost call them the deuteragonist of the entire comic if not for the fact that they're only showing up 700 pages in, lol.(edited)

Past the actual story aspects - the comic will be celebrating its fourth birthday at the end of February! And, given that the first page of the comic was started on a leap day, it's technically the first birthday the comic has actually had. The upcoming short stories for the year are some of my favorites so far, so that's exciting. I'm also interested to see how the shipping contest & fan-art contest turn out. We'll also be reaching page 750 at some point this year, which is a pretty big milestone.

Deo101

I have a goal for my second comic to get it off of hiatus, and for my main one I would really like to make improvements in the areas I've received critiques! Mostly, I just want to keep making them for another year <3 I don't really have any goals other than to keep on going with it

(also, a preemptive congrats on four years!)(edited)

AntiBunny

Well, having fully reuploaded my archives, I'm letting them update gradually to hopefully attract a new audience over on comic fury. When it catches back up I intend to finish up Chapter 10, and with it book 2. Then I'll finally launch book 3, Coast to Coast, which will allow me to tell more different stories by changing locations.

Kelsey (Kurio)

Hey Vinnie! How goes it?

AntiBunny

Still chugging along.

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

The big goal for Wayfinders off course is first of all to launch! In start February (we will find a date today iiih!!) Then at the end of 2020, if everything goes accordingly we should have produced 7 chapters enough for a book Ah! This is all so exciting

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Pretty much my goal is to just keep swimming. I hope to complete more chapters this year. I should be able to finish chapter one of my comic, Eryl, unless I have to take a long hiatus (which, honestly, is looking very likely). Ashes is less time intensive than Eryl and the chapters half as long (only 16 pages each; Eryl chapters are usually 30-35 pages), so I’m going to try and finish at least two, if not three chapters before 2021. But honesty, just getting what I can done and continuing to push forward is my biggest goal.

Mei

I only started My Husband is a Cultist last year in April (https://tapas.io/series/MyHusbandisaCultist) and my goal is to reach that first year anniversary and to keep the train rolling for this comic! I initially wanted to have the rest of this arc completed in 2020, but I've decided to be realistic as I will be making a grad film at the same time (yay), so I just plan to do as much as I can, and to at least have Chapter 4 completed before March, and maybe Chapter 5 after that! I have a lot of story I want to tell and it's hard to stay focussed on it, but I'm doing my best, doing a little at a time!

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

My goals are mainly to become a little quicker and finish the second book in time for the Heirs of the Veils (http://heirsoftheveil.fervorcraft.de/) fourth anniversary next October. Story-wise we want to have all the bits and pieces in place to slowly approach the actual meaty parts of the comic and prepare well enough to finish it in the coming 3 years.

FeatherNotes

Our goal is to have our book fully edited, with help from editors and friends, so we can be more confident in it's true rendition. Im not one to stick to making pages perfect, but there are definitely parts that could use some attention! Other than that, book 4 is on it's way and it's always a main goal to get to print for upcoming cons!

varethane

My goal this year is to get to the end of the first arc of Wychwood! After a year of working on it, I'm roughly halfway there. I'd also like to lern 2 colour better.

Capitania do Azar

This year I hope to get a new book out!! That would be great and also you know, just keep going. If all goes well I can get a chapter out until the end of the year and that'd be cool (but also perhaps a bit too hopeful, since my chapters have started to...get bigger with time..)

SAWHAND

This year my goal is to start posting the comic! And, if it works out, I'd love to get the whole thing thumbnailed out by the end of the year. Fingers crossed!!

DanitheCarutor

My goal is to finish chapter 5 in less than a year. Up until now it's taken a year to finish a chapter thanks to work, chores and the occasional procrastination spell. But in December I quit my depressing job that was a two hour drive away, so I'm hoping to be more productive, even if I get part time work somewhere in town.

twothirty

along with finishing chapter 6 and 7, im also hoping to have all of book 2's script written and edited~

renieplayerone

My goal is id love to get the first chapter or two of kate blast printed

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Okay so I wanted to make a seperate post about this because it’s got me like  🤔 but i didn’t wanna get too off topic with my answer. context? The wonderful @luxury-of-insanity asked me to take a look at a pic of Tyreen he took during the We are Mayhem trailer. Here is the screencap he took for reference (because it’s infinitely higher quality than any of the ones I would take aha)

The topic was Ty’s tattoos and I noticed something really, really interesting here that I didn’t pick up on from the cosplay guide (like they were deliberately not showing where her tattoos end)

her tattoos stop before her shirt

she is clipping thru her jacket a little bit here lol but the point is, that big tattoo bit just cuts off before it goes under her shirt. Just like Troy’s don’t go down his abdomen

Now as I understand it there are a couple reasons why this could be:

there is an awesome theory that Siren tattoos get bigger and more expansive the more powerful (and, usually, the older, im guessing) a Siren gets

Ty has unique tattoos like her brother, where they are different because they’re twins (? or something??)

Ty got her powers from a non-natural source- eg she isn’t a natural/normal Siren

The tattoos are fake and the source of her succ power is something else entirely

idk what the right answer is, but I'm gonna try to go through these 1 by 1. the first one has been talked about in depth a lot (on this blog) so i won’t be addressing it here, but the others i’ll try to talk more about!

minor commander lilith spoilers below the cut

so before we begin, i just want to point this out. All theories aside and looking at the facts: every Siren we know of at least has chest tattoos. Barring Angel, because we can’t see, every known Siren has tattoos that extend down her torso.

At the moment, Tyreen is super covered up. Unlike Troy, we never see anything except her arms/head/parts of her thigh. We don’t know if her tattoos extend beyond her shoulder/arm. Personally? I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t. Amara has her hip tattoos, but no leg tattoos, like Tyreen has no leg tattoos (you can see through the gaps in her pants)

it’s possible that Lilith is the exception (for any of the theories discussed) and the tattoos don’t normally extend down their left legs. We just don’t know for certain. I do think it’s interesting how covered up Ty is in general, considering every Siren we’ve met so far at the very least has shown off their chest/neck tattoos. 

Ty has unique arm-only tattoos like her brother, where they are different because they’re twins

Sooo the unique arm-only tattoos one. Not really much to say about this tbh? We know Troy’s tattoos 100% do not go further down his abdomen. 

Timeline wise, I really don’t think he gets the tattoos after Lily has her powers stolen, but I can’t say for certain. 

If it’s the case that his tattoos are 100% based off Lilith’s powers then idk if Ty having only arm tattoos would make sense. Maybe it’s because they’re being filtered through her powers that he only gets arm tattoos and not full tattoos? Maybe bc they are twins, Ty’s powers got split in the womb (explaining the only-arm tattoos) or whatever and they needed other powers to awaken (or heal, cause apparently he’s sick- that could be the tattoos) Troy’s or some shit. idk, just spitballing here. 

But yeah, looking at Troy’s tattoos and the way they don’t go down his abdomen, beyond his shoulder area, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ty’s don’t, either.

Moving on from that one mainly because I don’t have a lot to say due to lack of evidence/info on it lol

Ty got her powers from a non-natural source- eg she isn’t a natural/normal Siren

This theory i am a fan of and y’all know it lmao

There’s a bunch of ways this could have happened: they’re products of experimentation, maybe they met an alien that gave them the powers, it’s the product of a Vault (possibly the red Vault we see in the HBC).

For the first one, it’s possible it was a corporation, be it Maliwan/Atlas/Jakobs/Hyperion/etc. Maliwan and Atlas would be my first guesses, Atlas for reasons you guys already know and Maliwan because of their elemental focus (and for some reason being on Athenas/having Amara’s tattoos on a building in the Academic District?). Hyperion is also a strong contender because of their research with Angel, though I don’t know about this one... We know they’re under new ownership, and I can’t imagine Jack would’ve captured Lilith/been so protective of Angel if he knew he had another Siren. So I guess it’s possible they were created within the 7 years between bl2 and bl3... Jakobs I threw in cause they’re apparently having a hold on the story of Eden-6. Doubt it’s them, though. If it is i’m gonna be questioning everything i know lol

It could’ve also been Tannis, as we know she’s experimenting on Lilith and [Spoilers!] now has all of Jack’s research on Angel. I have been looking all throughout the Backburner but can’t figure out where she had been staying, so it’s possible she is staying somewhere off base until her and the other Crimson Raiders take to space. That would definitely give her some room to start some funky experiments. Though I am curious where she’d get the test subjects. Also, I just realized it’s possible she could set up a room like control core angel in order to capture the twins/Tyreen. I’ve seen it being discussed that she could also create the collar Jack made which has me like 👀. She could’ve also done her experiments between bl1 and bl2, which leaves her with 3ish years iirc. Though I don’t think she has a lot of info on Lilith before bl2.

It ALSO could’ve been a totally new outside force. Kinda would suck cause all the theories haha, but hey, it might happen. 

Oh part 2. It could’ve been some alien bullshit giving Ty Siren powers (not that... siren powers AREN’T alien bullshit already, but you know what I mean). We still don’t know what the Seraphs are, yet we’re supposed to fear their return. Well we know they’re able to create the Seraph Guardians (that drop Seraph Crystals), so maybe those were them experimenting with creating their own version of Sirens? Or maybe a rogue Eridian/Guardian (a smart one like the Watcher) giving out Siren powers to offset the balance of the universe (6 Sirens) for some reason (war is coming? maybe it’s a civil war between the Eridians). Or some new type of alien. We’ve seen so many new flora/fauna in bl3, I wouldn’t be surprised if they introduced a new race of aliens as well. (in this context I mean alien like... intelligent ones. at least on the rank of human. probably more tho, let’s be real). I also am looking at those demon dragon looking things, idk they seem really unique and I’m super curious to see how they come to play in the story. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were a product of an experiment as well. They seem to be inside an Eridian temple tho (I will make a post on this later prob)

part 3. kind of a play off part 2 but whatever. The tattoos came from a Vault. we see in the HBC wall art that looks like the twins opening a red Vault. I think this may be propaganda art and that it’s just part of the believer’s stuff, like “join our cause and this will happen!” as it shows the twins with boxes of food and guns and shit, but it’s possible that they’ve already opened it. Maybe Tyreen wants to absorb the powers of the other Vault Monsters because she thinks that will help her Vault-gifted powers grow stronger. We know as outsiders that all the Vaults lead to a huge power (Hector and also the website used to say “Universe-destroying power”), so maybe that power is super strong Siren powers? (full body tattoos hell yeah) Or can only be opened by all the Siren powers as a failsafe and that’s why Ty absorbed Lily’s... idk lol

Okay and my favorite one of all of the options we have:

The tattoos are fake and the source of her succ power is something else entirely

so. okay hear me out. I know her tattoos look like they’re glowing under the surface, but they’re super ‘perfect’ looking compared to the other Siren tattoos we’ve seen. Could also be a reason they’re products of an experiment, maybe these two theories tie together. (lol) My friend (@bonelesspotter​) also pointed out that it’s possible to use jellyfish to make cats glow in the dark. anyway. They also don’t seem to glow when she’s using her powers (which are black and red/orange instead of the normal purple/blue??) (also thank you for allowing me to see this @luxury-of-insanity) 

I made a post about the tattoos being fake as sort of a joke, where they saw how Lilith had a cult as the Firehawk (Ty does tell us to thank Lily for the ‘Firehawk’ powers) and decided to masquerade as Siren(s?) in order to build their cult up.

and it is slowly, slowly, looking more and more like the truth the more we learn about Ty lmao

I am gonna posit the idea that it’s not her tattoos that give her powers, but some other sort of technology.

possibly? hidden inside her glove??? idk

idk it just seems to clunky and BIG 

seriously, this thing is thicc, i could totally see some sort of drainage tech being hidden inside. I know Moxxi’s weapons have a lifesteal component, as do transfusion grenades, so it could be based off that. I point this out mainly bc Troy is a smart boy, it’s possible he built her something so they could pretend they were twin gods. Maybe his sword/mechanical arm will do something similar/give him his own set of ‘powers’? Or maybe those screws in his left arm could also do it, too.

idk, this is all me just speculating. I will not be surprised if she is an actual Siren, I just like being extra when it comes to theorycrafting. don’t have much to do for uhhh 90 more days, sooooo

i am also curious if her powers have something to do with the tablets with the crystals coming out of them considering her lifeforce suck makes statues with eridium-like crystals coming out of them

... maybe not. different shapes and all.

are they even the same ones as the ones on promethea?

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

i do think there’s something on that tablet(?) on eden-6 that we gotta uncover by breaking the purple crystals cause when moze does it she uses a special melee tool and breaking them doesn’t add anything to her inventory.

“let’s free you up”

but that’s getting wayyyy off topic. that’s all i got for tyreen today

byeeee

[bigskydreaming]

Tbh, my policy on pirating is pretty simple. I honestly dont give a fuck one way or another w/movies, TV shows and even comic books, bc the former two have managed to account for pirating in the way they pad their expenses and tbqh they dont really hurt for it. And with comic books, okay if you pirate indie or creator owned content you kinda suck, not gonna lie, you have NO idea the kind of effort and upfront costs that go into producing comic books without Marvel or DC backing you up, not until you actually try it. Its obscene. Especially if you’re not able to do all the art AND story AND inking/lettering/coloring yourself, and have to either pay other members of your self-assembled creative team upfront or on the backend. 

And this includes comic books published by Image (at least the ones without big name creators attached), because contrary to popular belief, Image has nothing to do with assembling the creative teams of most of their creator owned books, and they certainly don’t pay them any kind of wages or salaries. The way Image is set up is creators basically submit a complete first issue, all the art, inking, lettering, coloring, everything already done, to see if they’re interested in publishing. 

(Technically, you only have to submit the first eight pages in order to get a response, and theoretically its possible that Image has in the past greenlit books based on the first eight pages of the book, which then allows the creators some leverage in convincing the entirety of their creative team to put in the upfront work to complete the rest of the first issue still without payment, but at least trusting now that their work will see publication, but like, this doesn’t really happen much from anything I’ve ever seen or heard or experienced).

Anyway, point being, Image takes submissions and then greenlights the books they see as potentially profitable, but again....they in no way ever pay creators themselves. Creators only make money via the actual sales of their books, once published and distributed by Image...and only AFTER Image takes their cut, which is a flat fee deducted from the sales of individual issues. Its actually a good thing in some ways, that they only take a flat fee (their cut is for publishing and distribution costs, Image NEVER owns any part of the intellectual property they publish, unless they’re part of their ‘shared Image universe’ which tbh is just like, publisher Erik Larsen’s little sandbox for him and his friends and who even cares, those books suck, Savage Dragon is lame, Erik, and everyone knows Shadowhawk was a blatant rip-off of Darkhawk, and look, I love Darkhawk with all my New Warriors fanboying heart, but of all the characters in the world to rip-off, who the fuck considers Darkhawk worth being derivative of? So weird. BUT I DIGRESS. ANYWAY.) 

So in some senses the fact that they only ever take a flat rate is good, because in the rare cases of runaway books that really take off, the way Invincible and The Walking Dead were back when Robert Kirkman was still a no-name indie creator, like...the creator has the potential to make BANK. Which is exactly what Kirkman did, and why he’s now every-fucking-where, ruining all our other faves like who the fuck thought HIM producing a Chronicles of Amber show was a good idea, ewww. He’s gonna dial up the incest to 100, isn’t he? Sigh. UGH WHOOPS ANOTHER DIGRESSION, LOL YOU SEE WHY MY ADHD MEDS ARE ESSENTIAL, I ASSUME. 

Ahem. 

BUT in most cases, the fact that Image takes a flat fee off the top is like....shitty, because the last I heard - and tbf, this was years ago so its probably not the same anymore, but that means it could be worse - it was something like $2000 per issue. Which means the vast majority of indie creators you’ve never heard of before or after they published a six issue mini or whatever through Image never saw a cent. I’ve never heard of Image putting anyone in debt, like that’s not how they work at least - if your book doesn’t even make up to $2000, its not like you owe them for the remainder, but again, you just....never make a cent off it. So like....the reason a fuckton of Image books never make it past issue #6, if they even make it that far, is that the creators literally just can’t afford to keep producing out of pocket, financing the actual creative production costs of each issue themselves without making any profit on the backend, if they’re not ending up selling more than $2000 worth of issues once on the shelves, physical or digital).

So don’t fucking pirate Image comic books, plz. Just don’t do it. Unless they’re Erik Larsen’s. Pirate away, who gives a fuck, I hate that guy. LOLOLOL I’m such a petty asshole, ugh. Whatever. I blame my childhood.

ANYWAY. As I was saying, I don’t really give a shit about pirating from Marvel or DC, which maybe is bad of me because its not like those creators necessarily make bank either, unless they’re one of Marvel/DC’s faves and like, have their pick of titles at any given moment. But the way most of them are paid is Marvel and DC pay their creators actual salaries based on rates per page, and then Marvel/DC keep all the actual royalties themselves. The only exceptions to this are when issues sell more than 50,000 copies - that’s 50,000 individual copies of physical or digital issues, not $50,000 worth of sales like with Image. Once a creative team’s book sells more than 50,000 copies of a single issue however, THEN they start getting a cut of the royalties, as like a bonus incentive type thingie. But tbh, its pretty rare in today’s market for a book to move that many issues monthly, and only the top sellers of both companies end up in that rarefied air....and most of those books’ creative teams are the favored writers/artists anyway, the ones who have a degree of job security and never tend to lack for titles to shift to after ending a run on one book. Sooooo, they’re kinda the reverse of the creators who could actually use a cut of their books’ back end profits, but whatever.

So like I said, fuck Marvel and DC, like...corporately or whatever. Of course there’s no doubt that pirating has some definite correlation to how few books are able to move 50,000 issues monthly, but both companies have always been notoriously shitty to creators, and that’s not pirating’s fault, and less pirating honestly isn’t going to change that b/c the ones to benefit from less pirating first and foremost are still going to be the same ones who aren’t really that hurt by it currently....loooooooong before the lower rung creators start to see an uptick in profits as a result. And let’s be real, if Marvel & DC suddenly started seeing a surge in profits due to a marked reduction in piracy, they’d find some excuse to shift payment structures around again in order to still keep a lion’s share of the new profits while cutting the lower rung creators (read: new/just starting out/niche/lacking leverage creators) out of seeing much additional profits. Because the problem with creators making money off Marvel and DC IPs isn’t really pirating, its Marvel and DC not wanting to share the money made off their IPs, even with the people most responsible for those IPs generating revenue.

That’s the part of the pirating convo that most people miss, IMO....a rising tide just DOESN’T lift all boats, if one or two boats in particular are specially designed to make the most of any tiny uptick in a rising tide while all the other boats are made of the leftover shoddy materials and are undermanned or understaffed or whatever and can’t actually DO anything productive with any of the lift generated by the rising tide.

And if that made no sense, eh, idk, don’t blame me. Its not my metaphor.

ANYWAY. So that’s why I don’t really give a shit about pirated movies or TV shows or Marvel or DC books, though I do still think you suck if you pirate indie content including lesser known Image creators. You guys have srsly no idea how much harder indie comic book creators have to work compared to like, any other medium. It makes me wanna cry. Its ridiculous. It would take too long to explain just WHY its so much more of an ordeal/effort to produce indie comic book content than just about any other form of indie content save like, running an entire webshow with one or two people wearing all the hats while funding everything out of pocket and overseeing everything production wise and also being a key creator involved in creating the actual content.

BUT as I was saying in the last post, pirating novels is an ENTIRELY different thing, and I have vastly more opinions there than I do with other mediums. Because the publishing industry was designed to exploit and capitalize off the intellectual properties of INDIVIDUALS, unlike all those other mediums that are inherently collaborative and thus usually involve the combined efforts of several to dozens of people.

So at the end of the day, individual authors will ALWAYS suffer more from pirating, looooooong before publishing companies ever feel a ding in their profits. Because they designed it that way. Specifically SO that they, the big companies, would be protected. Its set up so that individual creatives, the authors, NEED publishing companies more than publishers need any singular author. Obviously the rise of indie publishing has changed this somewhat, but not as much as you might think.....because the thing is, indie authors are really only successful and profitable by the grace of Amazon. By the fact that Amazon can afford to pay authors 70 percent royalties on any sale as opposed to traditionally published authors who are lucky to get a ten to fifteen percent royalty rate on sales, with them not even seeing a cent of those royalties until AFTER their advance has already been paid back, if they ever even sell enough to make that happen at all.

And so like....its a very dangerous, precarious, and not at all trustworthy situation that allows for indie authors to CURRENTLY be profitable in ways or to degrees that a lot of traditionally published authors can’t be. 

But that’s only because Amazon is taking a loss on most of the books they publish, due to this payment model. Because Amazon CAN. They can afford it. They make enough from all their other departments and revenue streams to buttress those losses. And Amazon has been using this, and using indie authors, to leverage traditional publishers into giving up more and more of THEIR profits from THEIR books, by giving Amazon even steeper discounts on the books they distribute to them, to be sold to consumers by Amazon.

And again, like I said before, its the individual creators, the bottom rung authors, who take the hits here first and in the biggest ways, because it remains true that the publishers have designed their payment structures so as to use the profits of individual authors to compensate for their own dip in profits.

And Amazon isn’t doing any of this for the little guy’s benefit. They don’t care about giving indie authors a leg up, an alternative to tradition publishers. They only care about CURRENTLY making indie authors need traditional publishers less than trad publishers need them, for a change.....but ONLY so that Amazon can rake in the increase in profits first and foremost.

Because here’s the kicker. The thing I worry too many indie authors and readers don’t account for.

INDIE AUTHORS STILL NEED AMAZON MORE THAN AMAZON NEEDS THEM.

Amazon is VOLUNTARILY taking losses on their book sales, and have been almost from the start. Because they don’t NEED that department in particular to be profitable for them NOW. They’ve been angling for a long time to get as close to an actual monopoly on the book market as is possible under current free market laws. So the thing is....unlike traditional publishers....Amazon doesn’t need ANY indie authors OR sales. Like, AT ALL. They could shut down their entire indie book model tomorrow, and not really be any worse off for it.

And the second Amazon doesn’t need indie authors even as LEVERAGE to pry more profits out of traditional publishers....you better believe that 70 percent royalty rate is going to vanish literally overnight. Because there’s absolutely nothing in Amazon’s business model or legal obligations to indie authors that requires they maintain it, or protects indie authors from having it suddenly dropped to a five percent royalty rate at Amazon’s whim.

So the second the scales tip far enough that Amazon decides they really don’t need or want to milk anything else out of traditional publishers, they’ve gotten as much of a price cut or a monopoly as they’re going to get or want to get without forcing publishers (and by extension their own ready made product that Amazon then distributes) out of business.....Amazon is going to quite happily STOP taking a loss on the sales of all these indie titles, and say well, we don’t need you as much now, so we’re gonna just give you ten percent royalties, take it or leave it. Its not like you have any better options at this point.

So whether traditionally published or indie published, pirating books hurts individual creators in very real, tangible ways that creators in other mediums aren’t affected, or are supplemented or buttressed against.

I say all this not to guilt anyone, but simply to provide information. Because there’s always so much discourse going back and forth around legality of pirating and ethics of pirating and so much stuff that’s not even consequential or relevant if people don’t even understand the MECHANICS of how pirating affects various mediums. So they can then make INFORMED choices on how they feel about pirating certain content versus other content.

As I was saying at the start of all of this....I have my own personal stance on pirating, and I don’t expect it or need it to be anyone else’s personal model. Like I said, I don’t really care about other mediums, and when it comes to novels, I’m against it as much as possible, but with caveats. Lots of people, including authors, describe novels as luxury items, and as such say that nobody’s justified in taking one for their own personal entertainment just because they WANT it. I differ from that POV because I honestly don’t consider books a luxury. I consider them to be absofuckinglutely as essential to the survival and THRIVING of the human condition as food or rest. Far more so than TV or movies, which not everyone has access to, or finds as easily accessible. Bottom line.....I fall in the category of arguing that its not enough just to survive. People have to have reason to survive, to live. Things to look forward to. Things to enjoy. Feeding the human spirit, as cheesy or whatthefuckever as that sounds, is every bit as essential as feeding the body. I would not have survived my childhood without books. I would not have survived my twenties without books. Hell, I would not have survived this YEAR without books.

So, even as an author myself, and yes, I have written stuff that’s been pirated (I made a fairly decent living for a couple years as a self-published indie author of m/m erotica and m/m erotic romance short stories, novellas and novels, and those particular genres/markets get the SHIT pirated out of them. So trust me, I am VERY much putting my money where my mouth is on this subject).

But yes, even as an author myself, I have zero problem with people pirating stuff because they honestly, truly legit can not afford it otherwise. Its not a lost sale. If you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money. It doesn’t mean you still don’t need, let alone deserve, to have something to take your mind off your poverty, your stresses, your issues. And even if you technically have the money to afford a book, I’m well aware that doesn’t always mean you ACTUALLY have the money to afford it in any meaningful way. If you have five bucks to spend for the day, and a choice between a book and a bagel, or like, an actual sandwich and drink, that’s not a fucking choice that ANYONE should have to make. Use that five dollars to buy yourself a fucking sandwich and just pirate the book, I say. You can pay it forward when you get the chance. You find yourself with more money at a later point, by all means, go back and buy a legit copy of that book, your money’s still good then, and having had that book to enjoy at an earlier, more stressful time in your life might very well have contributed in even the tiniest of ways to you getting to a place where you had better finances and more spending money.

Yes, obviously, I am a big fan and proponent of libraries, and I think you should always go there first, if possible, to get your free literary content. Libraries are great, and they have a LOT more content, and more of a range of content, then a lot of people realize.

I am however aware that libraries are not necessarily practical for everyone. Sometimes you just plain can’t get to one, you have transportation or mobility issues or live in a household where your reading habits or interests are frowned upon or even penalized, because sometimes, parents are awful. Sometimes libraries just don’t have the content you’re looking for. Content is subjective, depends on staff, geography, community. LGBTQ+ kids shouldn’t have to risk being seen looking through the LGBTQ+ section of the library or checking out a book, if they’re not out at home or school or in their community. By all means, I would much rather a kid in that situation pirate the fuck out of their comforting, soul-sustaining LGBTQ+ themed books than risk upsetting a currently safe and secure status quo. Again, just pay it forward when and if you can, at a later date. And so on and so forward.

BUT, again, there’s caveats there, because with books, I consider it a case by case basis, and the case in question is the individual consumer. The above scenarios IMO are based entirely on the genuine, sincere situation of not being able to afford a book in any practical way, and not having a library as a valid option for getting that or any book.

This is an entirely different situation from HAVING the spending money, and being perfectly capable of dropping five bucks on a book versus five bucks on one of those much-talked-about-in-pirating-convos Starbucks’ lattes that you don’t NEED any more than anyone supposedly NEEDS to read a particular book. 

If you CAN afford to pay full price for a book without dipping into funds intended for other practical necessities or hurting or even inconveniencing you in any meaningful way, if you CHOOSE to pirate a book you can access or download through legal channels with just as much ease as you can pirate it...(again, I’m aware that due to bullshit territory laws, not all content is legally available in all areas at all times, and this isn’t what I’m talking about).

I’m talking about if you’re NOT in a bad - not just slightly uncomfortable - but BAD, financially tight, thrifty, constantly stressed situation where its honestly a Sophie’s fucking Choice trying to decide if you’re gonna shell out your money for the sequel you’ve been waiting on pins and needles for for a fucking year and its been the only thing getting you through some days....or if you’re gonna like, eat today....

THAT’S when I have no patience for your piracy, specifically. Not when it comes to novels and the bottom lines of individual, hard-working authors, most of whom have to spend their lunch hours or come home after work to soak their blood, sweat and tears into the manuscript that becomes the book you just pirated. I know what I said about indie comic book creators having it so much more fucking tough than anyone else knows or realizes, but that doesn’t mean that midlist and lower than that authors don’t work DAMN fucking hard on their product, even after working forty hour weeks at some minimum wage job that’s every bit as soul-crushing as the worst job you’ve ever held.

And you’re not a fucking rebel or revolutionary if you’re taking money out of THEIR pocket, when you don’t need it yourself, just because you can. You’re not sticking it to the man, or teaching greedy capitalist publishing pigs the error of their ways. They don’t care, and you’re just being a dick.

Entitlement isn’t always a bad thing, I believe, because we ARE all entitled to certain things. A broke, disabled person with transportation issues and disability benefits that aren’t even enough to cover their actual living expenses is IMO every bit as ENTITLED as anyone else to a nice, stress-free, enjoyable read they picked out because it was precisely what they were looking for and not because it was the only thing out of ten available options that looked halfway decent. I will never ever judge or condemn or disparage someone for pirating in a scenario even REMOTELY close to that.

But that doesn’t mean that gratuitous entitlement doesn’t always exist, and isn’t obnoxious as fuuuuuuuuuuck. You’re not entitled to whatever you want, whenever you want, for as little as you feel like paying for it, just because you WANT it. And just because you can GET it, consequence free. If THAT’S the defining motivation or influence behind pirating the debut novel of a single mom working sixty hours a week to support her kids PLUS hanging onto her dreams and pounding out her novel over the course of a year and a half on her lunch hour.....then yeah, you fucking suck, and you know it, you whiny little shit who identifies with this paragraph and goes "who me? YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE!” Yeah, I do. We all know someone like you. You’re not special.

Just like I know that author profile I just described there was not grabbed out of my ass, but describes someone very real and not at all embellished, and she’s not even the author I know in the most stressful scenario-whilst-writing. She certainly wouldn’t even consider herself in the Top Ten. And her publisher passed on the option for her sophomore novel, because her much-pirated book never made back the $25,000 advance she was paid over the course of three installments, which meant after taxes, she got an extra $10,000 bucks spread out among three eight month intervals, or just under two years.

So yeah. That’s where I fall. Soundly in the same camp I fall in most things: Actions have consequences, and you should always make an effort to be informed on what those consequences are before deciding whether or not you take action.

Let’s be real, no one’s effectively policing whether or not every individual consumer on the web pirates casually, extensively, or religiously, if at all. Its not likely EVER going to be an issue for you. That someone can actually keep you from pirating because you’re genuinely afraid of legal consequences.

But you shouldn’t need the threat of legal consequences, the question of can I get away with this or not, to police your own actions.

And at the risk of giving anyone whiplash, I for sure don’t give a fuck about the legality of taking away from the bottom line of massive, multi-million dollar corporate interests if I can get away with it. I’m just as entitled to keeping my five bucks that I worked DAMN FUCKING HARD FOR, as the people most likely to see that money even though they didn’t log a single actual hour on producing the content they’re charging five bucks for, IMO. I’m perfectly aware there’s a shit ton of people who’d call that rationale self-serving bullshit and hypocritical, but bite my lily-white Irish ass, I don’t give a fuck. I’m comfortable with my own morality.

But part of the reason I’m comfortable with my own morality, is that it tells me that even though there are times when I think I’m entitled to certain things I can’t necessarily afford, there are also times when I know I’m NOT entitled to things I may just not WANT to afford. Any time you’re able to justify ALWAYS having things your way without it ever costing you any kind of concession, I think that’s usually a good sign it might be time to stop and take a second look at yourself. Nobody gets to have everything their own way, to their best liking, all of the time.

But the flip side of that coin IMO, is that nobody should be penalized to NEVER having anything their own way, to their liking, ANY of the time. And if that’s the situation you’re in at some point in your life, and pirating’s the only available option to giving yourself a break from your regular monotony or currently-shitty-reality? Like, who the fuck am I to tell you not to pirate that feel good book or movie that has the chance to let you go to bed later with an actual smile on your face for a change? Who the fuck is anybody to tell you that?

*Shrugs*

There’s my two cents: The Ten Volume and Unnecessarily Long Saga.

[endowrites]

Creator 2017 tag meme

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you’ve created this year (fics, chapters, art, edits, etc!) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2017. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original!) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works.

Tagged by the fabulous @blackkatmagic​ <3

1. The Shadows Are Darker When the Sun is Bright

Naruto; Hokage!Sakura post-war

This is what finally made me love Sakura. You know how they say “if you want something done right, do it yourself”? Yeah, that. I have some really weird headcanons for post-war Sakura that I’ve been told are controversial (thanks, discord; lmao), and I never really had a place to vent them all before? But this oneshot really helped me wet my beak. It’s also the one single piece of writing I’ve done that’s held up to my critical self-reflective eye for the longest. I might write more Sakura in the future, but for now, this was really satisfying to write!

2. Blonding

Naruto; Naruto & Boruto & Minato time travel

I would be remiss to write a list like this and not mention Blonding. It’s what taught me so much. I have a style, a drive, and a voice because of this fic. Yeah, the first half may be juvenile and pretty garbage, and yeah, it’s way longer than I would’ve liked, but it’s finished as of this May. And damn it, and now I know I can actually do something like that, even if it takes two years. Blonding’s my baby - I always come back to it, always reflect on it, always respect it, because I’m super proud of it.

3. The Fire in Your Eyes

BNHA; Todoroki & Endeavor

I hadn’t ever written for another fandom before this fic - I’d tried a few times with other fandoms, but I could never get into the character’s heads the way I wanted to. This fic taught me that I can write more than just for Naruto, and is what inevitably gave me the courage to start my novel in November and win NaNo. So I’ll take it! (Also it’s angsty af so naturally I love it)

4. Death and All His Friends

Naruto; NaruSasu post-war

Apparently I really like writing post-war fix-it AUs. Maybe that’s how much I hate the epilogue/Boruto era. But anyways! This was a fic I started way back in, like, October of last year, rewrote three times, and finally posted because I was done with it and just wanted it out of my system. It was my first foray into “”””romance”””, if you could call it that, so it’s got a special place in my heart for that reason. Also it’s a super nifty idea that I might develop on further when I get the gumption.

5. Geartooth

Voltron; Sheith time travel

I know I published this literally, like, three days ago, but it’s been sitting in my head for the past two months and I’ve had the first chapter written for the better part of two weeks now. I really think this is the culmination of everything I’ve learned so far from all these other fics on this list. It’s the best example of my current style, my current interests, and just overall wellbeing (which is good, by the way! I like the dark stuff when I’m happy lmao). Writing this fic reminded me of what I used to love about the Naruto fandom before it effectively died. I look forward to reading comments on my work again. It’s really uplifting and I’m so, so glad I took the plunge.

Then there’s the novel I started that I’m super proud of, a few short stories I wrote that I’m in the process of submitting for publication, a few smaller pieces of flash fic that I wrote... this has been a surprisingly productive year for me writing-wise, and I didn’t realize it until just now wow.

Anywho!! As for people to tag - I’m gonna call out @hoodratenbi​, @arch-nemesis​, @justenzhe​, @thisisej​, @exile-wrath​ and anyone else that wants to give it the ol’ college try. <3

[cutsdatflo]

We spoke with Mike Pappa, a rising filmmaker and previous collaborator at CUTSDATFLO.  Now based in LA, he crafts beautifully epic films, such as his recent sci-fi short, A Crimson Man.  

Mike’s unique history in video game design, led him to working in visual effects and production design, and ultimately directing.  He previously wrote and directed acclaimed short film, Frankie.

Check out our interview below, which details his love of process & storytelling throughout the making of A Crimson Man.

What’s the inspiration behind A Crimson Man?  

The inspiration was the worlds from Philip K. Dick stories, PTSD accounts from veterans, and the childlike wonder and curiosity that a young protagonist brings to the sci-fi/fantasy genre. And naturally, films I had watched growing up that hold a special place in my heart:  E.T., The Iron Giant, The Never Ending Story, Time Bandits, Star Wars, The Empire of the Sun and so on.  I grew up as a military brat so I related to a lot to these characters' sense of awe and wonder of discovering new fantastical friends and exploring mythical and often dangerous worlds that the filmmakers had created. 

In terms of writing the lead as an Asian kid, that was because of my three young nephews who are mixed-race.  I wanted them to see themselves up on the big screen. That, and there's a lack of Asians leads in American sci-fi films. Regarding the character's personalities, there's always a bit of the writer in them, no?  

What was the seemingly massive post-production like, and did it influence the way you shot? 

The biggest influence post had on production was in scouting for exterior locations. We couldn't afford to shoot on an actual pier, a boat, or some super remote foothill. So, pulling from our bag of tricks, we chose locations that multiple scenes could be set in, would work for the planned set extensions/matte backgrounds, and we could turn the camera around to get plates of landscape and atmosphere. Basically getting the biggest bang for your buck. 

When it came to VFX, the original plan was for me not to handle a majority of it. However, due to budget and schedule, I ended up taking on 75% of the 125 shots myself.  And there were new challenges for me as a VFX artist; creating and compositing massive set extensions into footage shot with anamorphic lenses. These shots had to look believable. No exceptions. But, there was a point where I had to accept I'm just not skilled enough to make the shots look any more realistic. I mean, this is why you always hire people who can do the thing better than you can do the thing. So, it was definitely one of the hardest things I had ever done on a film -- but, I had wonderful guidance from VFX Consultant Nitant Karnik and help from CG Artist Jordan Sariego & Roto Artist Andy Rajput.

When it came time to do our color correction, we were lucky to do it at Company 3 and with a very talented colorist, Bryan Smaller.  So, for each scene, you discuss color and mood. But, I was also breathing a sigh of relief every time a VFX shot passed "the test." Wearing VFX and Director hats became stressful.  Anyone that's worked on low-budget and indie films, especially as a director, knows wearing many hats is just part of the deal. Just wasn't very fun.

Like most projects I have worked on, post influences a lot of the production. My traditional animation and production designer background shines through here. When you have a child actor, a practical robot suit, a night fight scene, and mostly exterior locations, everything must be planned to a T.  I storyboarded scenes, created animatics, mocked up VFX shots, we had stunt rehearsals, and of course the expected planning of camera setups.  On set, there was always storyboards displayed on foamcore so that all departments could be on the same page. The cast and crew could focus more on performances and now be a little more prepared for any unseen challenges and hiccups that always occur on the day. It was a very ambitious five-day shoot, to say the least -- but with the guidance and diligence of Producers Jordan Lietz & Tracy Wu and AD Dan Hartney, we got through it.

The lead was played by a child actor - did this change the logistics of the shoot?

Shooting with Maddox Henry (Wei) was a great experience. Having a practical fx robot on set was rewarding. Maddox and Dan Clarkson (Red) played off each other well. My only regret was not having more scenes with Maddox, Dan, and Craig Stark (Bunker Sentry). The three of them worked extremely well together and each brought some good ideas to the table.  I've been on many sets with child actors before -- but, always as a Production Designer. A mixture of good and bad experiences. So, Crimson Man was my first time directing a kid actor.  Plus, he's with a 7ft robot in every scene.  I was very nervous, scared even. Thankfully, the aforementioned planning allowed me to concentrate more on the performances on set.  

Logistically,  the hardest challenge was the limited hours with Maddox. The whole when they're allowed to work vs. being with the teacher ordeal. The clock is always ticking! This led to having to make many compromises in the script, to the schedule, and often on the day.  But again, the extensive planning, as well as me knowing what I wanted and needed to get, allowed the crew to handle these challenges and lessen the blow some. 

You originally come from the gaming industry.  How does this influence your filmmaking?   

I was an Art Director at video game company for 5 years. As mentioned above, my background is film & traditional animation. Storyboards and animatics have been forever embedded in my brain. Plan, plan, plan! I would also add that in animation you have to do your own performances, layouts & design -- these all come out when working on a film.  

In terms of video games, I worked at a company in NYC where I managed two art departments in our Canadian offices as well as any outsourcing companies we hired. These experiences taught me three very important things: hire people that can do the thing better than you, learn the ins and outs of other departments, and be able to give very precise and clear notes. Maybe a film's post-production is the closest to video games. You have similar things like pipelines for creating assets, computer graphics work, etc.

There’s an emphasis on the sweeping landscape in A Crimson Man.  How important is the visual landscape ultimately when originating an idea?

Most definitely the variety and color palette of the southern California landscape has influenced me and the film's setting. However, it's also a combination of taking advantage of the landscapes' accessibility/closeness to me and to create a look & feel similar to the adventure films I grew up on. Whereas Frankie was shot where I lived at the time. Hoboken, NJ.  This was my frame of mind. I think the visual landscape is paramount to a film's design. To me, it's no different than approaching it like you would design and fabricate a set. I wouldn't go as far as to say it's a character in a film, but in rare cases, it can almost feel that way due to the obstacles it may throw in front of a character.

What happens now?   Are you developing this project?

Find a job, ha!  I'm half joking. Well, just like the millions of other filmmakers in this industry, I'm working toward developing this short into a feature. A Crimson Man was first written as a feature. Then, I took a small section of the story and created the short. After I finished the short, I begun creating more assets for a pitch package, as well as taking all the things I had learned from the short and then rewriting the feature. Now it's all about getting this package in front of the right people.  I have also been writing new scripts. Always be creating!

 A dense, final question -- what's the point?  Of filmmaking, telling stories, seeing these ideas through?

The point is a selfish one. If I don't get these stories and ideas out of my head and onto the screen, then I feel my brain will eventually explode Scanners-style. Cause otherwise, what was the point of all this madness? I love making movies. Love it. Creating art for people to watch and hopefully enjoy -- well, that's what it's all about. And without the support of family and friends -- especially from my very, very patient wife (Kate, I love you) -- I wouldn't have even got to make A Crimson Man. 

However, I tend to create ambitious stories. I'm well aware it's not a wise thing to do. I'm trying to get better at this. But, it's hard for me to write the two-people-in-a-room-story. My mind starts wondering what or who else is in there. Was time-travel involved? Wouldn't it be fun if it was set in 1898? Why yes, this needs a goblin! I just can't do simple. Whether this is me wanting to increase my odds of creating something more interesting or making up for my lack of writing experience, I'm not sure.  And don't get me wrong, I love watching the two-people-in-a-room movies. Some of my favorite films are like this.  But then again, maybe not simple is me. My voice. A part of me always feels if I am gonna spend all of this time, money, as well as other peoples time & favors, then why not go big?  

[lifeonlockdown-turtlepuppet]

Day 2 of Lockdown - 25/03/2020

Intro

Hey to anyone who’s there! This page is where I’ll be keeping a diary of each aspect of my lock down. I’ve created it more for myself, as I’m extremely interested in the effects of pandemics and disease (Not just biologically, mentally, or politically, but in all aspects including those and beyond, really) and I hope to be able to use this as a study into humans reactions to isolation and the interruption to the everyday routines and systems we place ourselves in.

To me, this is crazy, fascinating, and terrible.

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Update

Today I’m a bit bored and after yesterday already struggled a little this morning to find things to do. However, I managed. I haven’t seen anyone outside however from what a member of my household who had to go out to pick up medicine has told me, there are still plenty of people in stores. This worries me that not even these measures are making people take Covid-19 seriously.

I found this song today from a trailer for Narcos.  Slept last night - 2300 Woke up - 6:30 AM Today’s Stats: UK total cases -  8,227 (+ 1427 from  yesterday) UK total deaths - 433 (+87 from yesterday) Global Mortality Rate - 4.5%

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Food

Today I will be making bruschetta for dinner. 

Yesterday, I made the aforementioned bean chilli. After feeding everyone, there was what I can only estimate to be around 4kg of chilli left (estimated by comparing weight of 2kg bag of red lentils). It was a little sweeter than i prefer this time, i don’t think i added enough chilli powder, however it was still widely enjoyed. I loosely followed this recipe with a few personal  and circumstance adjustments.

Options still available for dinner:

Fried Rice 

Lentil Soup

Bruschetta  

Lentil Daal

Makeshift-Roast-Dinner

Baked Potatoes

Chip stuffs

Bean Chilli (already cooked)

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Activity and Health

I’m still playing animal crossing and plan to do some other things today such as plant some rocket for my roommates tortoises to eat. 

My activity options include:

Indoor gardening

Painting

Digital Art

Animation

Animal Crossing + other games

Cooking

Calling friends

Keeping this diary

I still don’t have any plans for exercise routines but might pick up something later on. Mental Health Splurge:

Health wise I feel okay, but clearly lazier and more reclusive. I’m also stressed as a teacher is making posts about online tests despite being previously told that we were done with the course. They mentioned this in a post at the beginning of the week however didn’t mention that it would be timed. As such I thought it would be posted and we would be allowed to complete it in our own time. However, today I was told its a timed test. To me this is was too short term notice and unfair not to clarify in this uncharted territory.  Also, due to the noise in my house I wouldn’t be able to complete the test well had i been studying for a few days. I know this due to my past experiences of failed tests or greatly lowered marks when there was as much as a person repeatedly clicking a pen. This setting wouldn’t accurately show my ability at all. As such I’ve decided to ignore it to be honest, as it’s far too stressful for me to be worrying about (I’m realising now that my security around my results is a lot lower than I first thought).  I hope that this does not annoy my teacher or make her negatively biased to put me forward for a lower grade than I deserve. As well as this, I can already feel this lifestyle reverting backwards to how it was before I moved here. This was my plan, and so I’m fine with an internet and indoors based lifestyle - but it reminds me of abuse. I also can feel very easily how my mentality could slip back into worthlessness and I’m listening to similar music I would at the time of living with my abuser. This already feels unhealthy but I’m trying to convince myself that this is completely different and I really have changed and grown as a person since leaving. I already feel a little bit broken inside, and I can remember the worst parts of my life.  It doesn’t help that my abuser still texts me over a year later and I can’t bring myself to remove her in case she breaks things of mine that she still has and  refuses to give back / says she will give back but I’d have to meet her face to face in her house (my previous house) to get it. (Even then I don’t truly know if she would) To help prevent and stop this I’m going to make myself more busy than I have today and try to be around the rest of the people in my house more. I’m also considering using my daily exercise as a walk around the area to get some fresh air. Either that, or I’ll sit out the window like I used to when I first came here when it get’s dark. Lo-fi, stars, and fresh air.  While writing, I’ve also realised that these posts will be good evidence for my therapist when those sessions are eventually able to restart, as no appointments are taking place unless absolutely urgent and serious.  tl;dr Mental health has worsened, but I’m gonna try and do some things to combat it. I think it’s worsened due to memories of previous abuse brought up by social isolation and grade stress.

------------------

Work

Over the years, I’ve discovered that I really require a sense of productivity and work routine in order to feel successful and avoid disappointment in myself. As such today I wrote a to-do list on my hand as usual. Today This said:

“To do

-Start Grant application -Work On MAP Part -Cook Bruschetta -Plant Rocket -Blog post”

Yesterday I wasn’t able to start my grant application, and to be honest I’m a little hesitant about applying considering the situation as I’m not sure how I’ll complete the project. My friend suggested if I’m unable to create what I want, I could submit a mock up instead.  I’ve been watching a few AMVs and animation memes which are reminding me how awesome it is to be able to create something so beautiful from scratch; I might add some personal projects to my to do list later now that I have all this free time.

------------------

TL;DR:

I’m a Scottish girl who does art, cooks, is vegan, and plays games who has recently been placed in lock-down along with the rest of the UK. I’ll be making a daily diary of it all and maybe eved-n posting some art if I make any. Read the rest to find out today’s Daily update incl. Food, Activity & Health, and Work.

-----------------

If you read this far, thank you so much and I hope my updates are useful and informative and that we can all stick together and see this pandemic as not only a thing to be afraid of, but also a think to be fascinated and educated about.

ByeBye~

[artificialqueens]

Dress Up in You: Chapter Nine (Trixya) - Eve

A/N: Guys. GUYS. This is so horrifically late and I’m sorry. Back on the wagon with a shorter chapter to ease myself back in. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for every message I received about this fic in my absence. It’s a lesbian cis girl AU and you can find all previous chapters at my author tumblr here or on AO3.

Dress Up In You - Chapter Nine

Trixie’s serving fish, by which she means doing a fantastic impression of a koi karp, mouth wide in puzzled surprise at Violet’s greeting. The little surge of shock/surprise/residual rejected pain stings in her chest like an open wound being prodded by her colleague’s long, acrylic-tipped fingers. Eyes down, Trixie quirks half of her mouth into an unconvincing little smile of acknowledgement and quietly asks “Friend of yours, is she?”.

She wishes she could say she didn’t care about the answer.

Violet nods, and then elaborates “Yeah! She rents a studio in the same building as me, I share a little space there to work on costumes and shit for my burlesque…” and of course Violet is into that, it’s the least surprising thing she’s ever heard. Trixie can totally see her in a vintage corset wiggling seductively by like, gaslight or whatever.

“Oh, that…makes sense. I guess. How d'you know we went on a date?” Trixie asks, cautious, wondering whether Katya’s been venting about the clingy one-night stand from hell, and dreading the response. To her surprise, Violet looks a little sympathetic as she says “I saw her last night, working late. She seemed pretty torn up when we were outside smoking so we just got talking about her weekend. She feels pretty shitty, man”.

Trixie, having spent the last twenty-four hours going over and over their fight in her head, is a little surprised. She’s pretty much come to the conclusion that neither of them were really in the right or the wrong – crossed wires, unrealistic expectations and bad communication maybe, but actual bad behaviour, not so much. “She feels shitty? I mean, she shouldn’t. It’s totally her right to want whatever she wants, you know?” she asks, hating the little wobble in her voice and the blush of embarrassment that springs to her full cheeks.

“Hmm. She’s a tricky one, Katya,” Violet answers, looking thoughtful, “and she’s convinced she’s like, Satan herself. I’m not gonna get into it too much but she’s got a lot going on. Are you gonna see her again?”. Trixie’s taken aback a little by the line of questioning, answering “Um, I don’t really think that’s an option, Vi. I want to actually date someone, and she…doesn’t really want anything, I guess. I’m sure she’d rather forget about it and move on, too”. Violet sort of squints at Trixie, pursing her lips a little in thought. She seems to sense Trixie’s discomfort, how little she wants to get into this, and she just says “I really wouldn’t be too sure about what Katya wants, Trix. I don’t think she knows, like, at all”, before abruptly changing the course of conversation, clapping her delicate hands together decisively and brightly declaring “Now I am ready to take a look at these new matte lips, aren’t you?”.

Trixie is grateful for the distraction, and muses as she and Violet sit swatching products that she seems to have found herself with an unexpected but surprisingly thoughtful new friend. Her actual work that day is pretty fun – she and Violet take a few pictures for the work Instagram account and experiment with the new shades in stock, promoting them to their walk-in customers and trying on a few themselves. By the time her shift is over, Trixie’s feeling pretty upbeat, and she decides to treat herself to one of the new hot pink lip stains that she tried earlier. She’s totally not above admitting that a little retail therapy (especially at a hefty discount!) is always a cheer-up, and she applies the heavily pigmented shade in the staff room before she leaves.

Maybe it’s the positive vibes from her good day, or the little buzz of confidence she feels knowing that her bold new lip colour looks amazing on her, but she doesn’t walk to a different stop tonight, secretly hoping to bump into Katya. Some kind of masochistic, curious bit of her brain wants to see how the other woman would react to her – what she’d say or do, whether she’d be friendly or cold. Violet’s words have given Trixie a lot to think about, and she doesn’t really know what to think. Vi didn’t seem convinced that Katya was as off-limits as she claimed to be herself, and the stuff she said about Katya feeling so down about the weekend was intriguing, to say the least. When Katya isn’t at the stop, Trixie feels oddly disappointed, realising just how much she’d been psyching herself up to see the other woman. She thinks hard about her all the way home, wondering exactly what Violet means about Katya being unsure, and whether it would be crazy or pathetic to have hope.

It’s this state of mind that finds Trixie laying on her stomach like a teenager on her little sofa, her stocking feet sticking up behind her. She types ‘Katya Zamoldchikova’ into Google on her phone, unsure of how to spell the surname but sure she’s at least in the right ballpark. Apparently this name isn’t too usual in Russia, and Trixie’s search returns a lot of obviously-not-Katya results. She narrows her search down by adding the word 'art’, and bingo. She’s rewarded with an Instagram account that seems to be pretty active – the most recent post is a close-up of inky black liquid with tones of blues and greens floating on the surface. The caption reads “The seas are troubled tonight, Brenda. Or do I just not clean my brushes enough?”. Trixie smiles to herself, almost able to hear Katya’s voice saying that out loud. She scrolls down the page, checking out Katya’s art – it’s all great, but the photos she tends to pause on are the ones that show small scraps of the artist herself.

One image shows Katya’s shadowy face reflected in the glass of a framed painting, barely there and ghostly. Trixie has to squint to see it, but when she does, the art melts away and leaves her searching for something she can’t name in the phantom image of Katya’s downturned eyes, her wide, pursed lips. Who are you, really? Trixie thinks, struggling to reconcile the mysterious, quiet-seeming woman in the photograph and the larger-than-life, wisecracking extrovert she knows Katya to be. How much of you did I not get to see?

Trixie knows this is super unhealthy, but on she scrolls, more intrigued with every glance she gets into Katya’s quiet, private life. Small artefacts of her emerge from the images – a bony knob of ankle peeping behind a canvas resting in her lap, a slender wrist in a photo modelling a watchlike jewellery piece she worked on with a sculptor a year ago. Trixie thinks about Katya alone, wonders what she was like when these were taken – dwells for a long time on a looping video of her long, elegant fingers smearing thick paint on a blank surface, teasing the shades that lie in layered blobs out in long, even swirls. The concentration and effortless intensity behind those digits is something Trixie can approximately imagine – after all, it’s not that long ago that it was all focussed on her writhing body. She’d love to be the focus of that calm determined motion, no frantic need or poorly considered lust this time, just slow, deliberate care, as if Trixie was something Katya had thought deeply about and considered worth doing. She sighs at her own dumb thoughts – she sounds like she needs to take a train back to LiveJournal in 2006 or something.

Trixie really does have nothing to lose, Katya-wise, she reasons with herself, and so she allows herself to 'like’ one of Katya’s more recent images – it’s an indirect sliver of contact, okay, but it’s an olive branch nonetheless. She taps the Insta post twice, a little red heart lighting up to confirm that she, Trixie Mattel, likes this. She just has to hope it’s a little better received than the last heart she sent Katya’s way.

[toldnews-blog]

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WATCH: Dwayne Johnson opens up about new film co-produced with his ex-wife

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Transcript for Dwayne Johnson opens up about new film co-produced with his ex-wife

I’m can’t Woodward and in park city Utah the Sundance Film Festival where I have the unbelievable privilege to sit down with Dwayne Johnson and talk about. His new movie at his production company has premiering here is Sunday and it’s called fighting with my family. It’s the story of an unlikely hero here a girl who rises up with her. Strange kind of fabulous family and becomes a star in the WW EE. This movie. Spectacular there is so home much to be said about a sleepless night in London area. London good song right there it was it was 2000 flow should investors 6. O’clock. Terms of the TV and assaults documentary local channel. And immediately Natalie picked a fight with but it was really compelling. Identified with this. It was recently us. Who loved what they it is who. Put on these wrestling shows they’re small bars. Making money just upped its person must were wise. To make money so often picked up. But. But it was such a compelling story and so. Young girl. Actually from or which. Peppers. Two hopefully. To the WW Lee. The documentary she obviously he had not made. Them ironically suitors. When I went back in 2000. Thirteen she introduced yourself to that. We just watched very anxious so what this. That’s that I loved it and I can’t believe your family come from a favorite wrestlers ax to. That’s you know what Pulitzer call regional he was in the arena. The documentary such. This is there. Here’s it’s and she was blown away and let’s look you know it it’s don’t know what it is but I would look here’s a story Wednesday. But we do it just what you might think. C. Equity partners we call our producer artist Aaron. Arab we can make something that’s real. So feeling that her story would resonate with more than just the wrestling crowd. What did you two think when he first brought this year attention. We you know she for so she’s been in the business itself the restaurant that she said she. You know TrailBlazer and she should a huge impact on the female audience in the general so. She then get the color of the story and then also so much of our lives. Relate to you what’s happening in her life and her family’s life he just seemed like actually an incredible opportunity. But what whether beans from watching rocky we always loved and actually in the DNA some boxes or not it is you know and the story of him so much in the pocket as Brewster company so. That story room just resonates just in general we’ve experienced it resonates with the world has the story that we. No matter what skills needed something that war which resonate with audiences globally so that kind of story how excited he was. In seen her path and trajectory it made sense produced no matter what. We root. And you know I mean that. Note saying no matter what it was very challenging. Rusty get them which to view past. Every studio pass that at least to use the we love initiative. Partners. But for them they just the contents and it was offers small British comedy about British Bentley. Wrestling written equal to pro wrestling. Outside the system. By the partners. Real art and here’s what’s ironic options story burst 22. Yet. Wrestle mania. 2050. And at that time we’ve just gotten a movie green lettuce and now we’re moving forward. With this movie about her life that you one hour X axis it he go find season and ribeiro Europe looked surprised there so we got her butter over us haircuts reasons for she sat out US government movie. About. Just crying it’s so appreciative. Put Hiram Hiram and there’s news. And she’s leading us or have almost terrorists wise. And wrestling is something that’s that will tomorrow on Monday that draw a line. You’re gonna make your debut she goes out an experience that can become world champ. She almost painted like books had to sit down. Currently she and she could not believe what she heard that took its relations all of them saying that it we are sub. Existing. Her hear that from UN. It is it’s in the movie. I think one of my favorite. Themes throughout the movie is. Not conforming. And that’s been really true for you in your career as well. Being really fleeing Iraq. Will which was very important you know for a long time I think a lot of us but can’t speak for but he there’s good about. Human beings are out there who struggle with this beautiful Friedman being themselves and what it means for so for me I struggle of that. For very long time and especially when I first got Hollywood when I first got the Hollywood there wasn’t a blueprint the back follows that wasn’t the half black caps Samoan wrestler. Who wants to major Hollywood that it. Raised eyebrow oh maybe fifty letting fans. That with that so it was told that. Well this is how you that this is how you have to talk to you sure about issues like a lot of don’t don’t don’t don’t and his view these. Down that road or experience. Do you buy into it and you come for was until it. This. Okay. But that also. Who I have been working. Q creates risks appropriately. And rocky just like your. Refs were true and things were great lot which struggled some details. Six. Duke. And you were crucial in. Some kind of finding the back there was there was that committed to three conversation with. It’s time to let Hollywood make room for. So when the studio’s past comments. And now here you are today at Sundance. What a brilliant way for you to showcase this movie. Must be a bucket western country. It was over it was true computer that I didn’t know was on the bucket lists are really what an honors. They make different he says we didn’t. They discuss his opportunity. This is you know we know or. It doesn’t do anything that. He is hard any. It’s days and so we it was folks and we just hope no audiences. We actually waved me the initial feeling we got to make this movie and so. To find it ridiculous Indians win it wasn’t even in her dreams and we’re just trying to meet the it could test is. There’s so passionate about a project found that is so different. Then things that you have done before it’s not action packed movie. Was also a little bit scary quote the great thing that is at the court order. Are. These actions movies it’s always turns down very you know simple narrative we can always put repackaging around that core story but. We respond initially our justice quirk news that we believe that. Make audiences. Are imploding. Are solely those kinds fanatics and so whatever steel and built around it. That can fluctuate but this still had. World. And scary you know are large hail. Skier yet there. We’re going to there. Where there are initiating towards the third act just that. Ambulances and logistics. Due to. Actually served as we were. We have enough back. To. Fox. This story so into the first chairs. And which can. Never showed it. I left but it. So I love the title I am taking does that that Earl Spence. In this and he lives. From my perspective it. I think in the outcasts. Asks viewers in the asks viewers to take every. I. And Italy by activists functional dysfunction. Youthful. An air. I don’t response you don’t. It. He’s just. Nature of the business but as I hate. I may see you know there’s so many similarities in the handling. I think regionally apparently isn’t murder but officials Bentley even as we are bailing out just. You go through some crazy things but the love and the dream and the desire for more cancer. So these that this folks now you see in the movie. It’s just taken from lives. It is completely taken from our lives yes yet. You know. And I know people talk about this all the time. But. How have you turned a marriage that didn’t quite work out this absolutely beautiful professional partners. Rio de. It was reported that rent apprenticeship. Friendship down in the expansion. Want what’s best for acting. We’re so inclusive and that’s something so proud. It’s just a big family that’s living a big. Friends first we’re friends now it’s your version. Continuing to do business that makes sense. For us and then ultimately it’s it was week. Let’s go to work do. Yeah. I think I can ever bring up old look. I don’t trash. And. We are so different today and who we hurt and years ago twelve years ago that. It’s packed. Doesn’t exist emitter doesn’t trust are gonna draft. I mean really exists we’re so president today and I knew those people for their kids. They were here. I. I. I say we have to talk about the suit the suspect as strong. He now found. When you have a daughter that is entering the world that Parietti. Do you think. Not only is it different now because of women like he also. What advice to get to your daughter that you think that winds up it really involved the female wrestler in two you’d think. Two it’s not switch keep the conversation it through who is this performer so peach. Was one of the first professional Russert where all threaten our daughter was like wow. Don’t have to look like it’s like anything Egypt such passion for the sport when she’s asked performance and she is Simone in in this. Really ironic. Beautiful way. You know I’ll go back just a little bit is that you know I had some when I was twenty. And a cash. My daughter. Who will soon experience you know that you’re an out of I don’t. Willow who when getting hats and I was fortunate to be her father and. 29 is still trying to close. That. I was in WW the grew up in many ways with some of them grew up together. And we have this really unique or special bonds says as only dads and daughters can. Adjustment to you answer mode. So growing up with Simone in many ways it. It it forced us to. Do you weather challenges that forces to get better forced me to get better Russert. And so now what we’re doing it’s it’s really beautiful relationship that she’s going into business that. I have actually over the years we have graduated over the years it’s really special time because I can in a wonderful way its policy close. Now are having these. Discussions at high. Never thought I would ever have my daughter about. Finishing holes and crowd psychology. And how she’s hitting the roads are taking this duplex and how she’s got a protector her neck. And I never thought it would have these characters and we could be more proud Everett. It has been this incredible. Juxtaposition. First because this creep he will wrestling male dominated. The pilots flipped. See us. Q Inge and that line of some answers first. Days. National sort of some rather street. And all of them all the groups. Oh. Girls it to true underdog story that will resonate with everybody and it will be in theaters on February 14. I’m can and we were the new watching ABC news.

This transcript has been automatically generated and may not be 100% accurate.

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