#good thing to mention! everything went well! good surgery! im very happy with it

[salamancers]

guess whos just had surgeryyy~~~

technically it was, like, this morning, but i only now came home to my parents place after spending hours in the car so! still counts even if it took around 13 hours from after the surgery was done until i came home heh

i have four brand new holes in my stomach and one less internal organ and for some reason i feel like this is something to *brag about* lmao

[80pairsofcrocs]

baby scarab || 59

@divejffsgvdhv - omg just thinking about layla finding out about bebe scarab and casper. then that talk with the moon boys, layla and yn. 😮‍💨

-🧞‍♀️

~~~

anon - what is there was a thing like a flooded kitchen and mk system and y/n fail at everything miserably and then layla pulls up liek “tf?” and fixes everything thing then asks “how did you ppl survive without me gd” and it’s just sort of a nostalgia chapter with all the early chapter vibes of mk system and y/n flashbacks

~~~

A/N : DAMN these requests are from A WHILE ago!! glad im getting them done :))

masterlist - marvel masterlist - series masterlist

A/N : THERE IS NO MORE SCHEDULE, IM SORRY also thank you all sm for the support and requests :)))

please enjoy, and don't be shy if you want to be in the taglist, just ask <3, sorry for the long wait

pairings : steven grant x (platonic)reader, marc spector x (platonic) reader, khonshu x (platonic)reader, jake lockley x (platonic)reader

TW : medicine (pills), spidey stuff, mentions of violence, language, angst, very rushed and hard to read, mentions of sex, memories!! let me know if i missed anything.

~~~

you somehow woke up earlier than everyone else.

on a school day too, nonetheless.

so you decided to try and make breakfast for your parents.

key word is tried.

there was currently a fire blazing on a pan of burnt whatever the fuck you were making in the sink, while you ran to turn off the stove.

the smoke alarms went off, and you heard two alarmed voices.

“y/n! what happened?! are you okay?!” “oh shit! fire!” “por favor dime que no te quemaste, nena” all three of your fathers exclaim all at the same time, while layla rushed in after.

jake ends up fronting out of panic, and helps to put out the fire while layla waves a towel around the smoke detector, effectively shutting it off.

“i’m sorry i just wanted to make breakfast for you guys for letting me take a couple days off school-“

“hey don’t apologize. wait, since when do you do anything for us?” marc asks jokingly as jake lifts the burnt pan up to inspect it once the fires out.

“hey!” you start accusingly. “i do stuff for you all the time” you defend, to which marc raises an eyebrow through a mirror.

“i asked you to pick up your dirty clothes off the floor and you told me to stick it up my ass and then you shot webs in my face” marc deadpans and layla laughs before coming up to join you guys.

“you two need to be nicer to each other. i mean, hey, at least this kitchen hasn’t looked worse right?” she asks rhetorically, making you and steven make eye contact through a mirror.

~~~

"so? what's going on?" steven asks. you smile and set your phone face down on the table, your hand still resting on it. "casper doesnt need surgery, which is great since he wouldn't have to take the risk of his scoliosis getting worse." you shortly explain.

steven chuckles. "oh, that's great! i'm happy for him" he says, and you go to put your phone in your pocket but notice it won't come off your hand.

"y/n? you good?" steven asks, noticing your issue. "it wont come off" you tell him, shaking your hand to try and get your phone off.

"kid, quit joking around and eat your dinner" marc tells you from the reflection on the table.

"i'm not joking around! it wont come off" you grit out at him, holding your hand out to steven.

"pull it off" you waves your hand, and steven hesitates in doing so, but grasps the free end of your phone and tugs lightly, surprised that it wont come off.

"what in the bloody hell-" he starts, tugging harder while you're pulling back as well. "did you stick your phone in glue?"

"no! i dont know whats going on!" you exclaim worriedly.

with another strong pull from each of you, it finally comes off, making you and steven almost fall back in your chairs. you touch your hand to the table and notice that it doesn't stick. you look scared and confused at steven whos touching your phone.

"its not sticky. what on earth.." steven trails off, sliding your phone to you from across the table. "that was strange" marc points out.

you keep forming you hand into a fist trying to see if your fingers would stick, but you get nothing. you shakily sigh and nod to yourself while going back to eating.

"y/n-"

"please pretend that didn't just happen" you request. "i don't even know what the hell just happened"

steven nods slowly, and goes back to his plate as well. the rest of the dinner being quiet, unusually quiet.

~~~

after dinner was a mess. you made a mess while helping steven clean up.

first it was when you pulled a drawer open to put clean silverware in it, and yanked it right out of the counter, silverware flying everywhere.

the next was when you were washing your dishes and you went to turn the water off, and ended up ripping the handle off and caused water to start spraying everywhere.

and the last? well it didn't exactly make a mess, more like stop one from happening.

steven had almost dropped one of your glass cups while you were turned around, but a tiny ringing in your head made you turn around and catch it right as he dropped it.

you were having a weird day, ripping drawers out of your counter, tearing off part of your sink, the whole phone incident, and now catching something you didn't even see fall.

and as of now, you were sitting on your bed, knees to your chest while holding onto your khonshu stuffed animal. steven insisted you go take a couple minutes to rest while he cleaned up.

you felt terrible.

steven doing all the work, cleaning up your messes. it wasn't fair, you should be there helping him, but you're stuck here after what just felt like a fever dream.

"child, why do you look like that?" khonshu says from on top of your dresser, slouching so that there's about an inch between the top of hi head and the ceiling.

"rude" you scoff, hanging on tighter to the soft fabric in your arms. "not like that. why are you frustrated?" he rephrases.

you sigh and lean your head on your knees. "there is something wrong with me" you mumble.

"yesterday i complained about my backpack being heavy and i literally ripped a drawer out of a counter." you take a shaky breath. "that's not normal. nothing about what just happened out there is normal!" you reply, close to shouting out of stress.

"calm down child, you'll be okay" khonshu does his best to comfort you. you're thankful for that, even though he sucks at it.

you squeeze the plushie impossibly tighter, calming your nerves.

"is that.. the tiny, soft version of me?" khonshu asks, pointing to the tiny soft version of him that is in fact in your arms. you nod and purse your lips. "yep"

"its ugly" he insults.

"you're ugly" you retort.

khonshu gasps. "take that back, mortal"

"you first" you wrap your hands around the plushies neck "i will strangle you just like i'm strangling this" you threaten.

"you wouldnt"

"i would"

"yeah? well you're small" khonshu insults again, standing up to try and intimidate you with his size. you weren't going to lie, you were very small compared to him.

"you're just a tree" you respond, getting up as well, leaving the plushie on the bed.

"i bet you can't even touch the ceiling!" khonshu starts laughing at you, tapping the ceiling with the giant moon stick he carries every where.

"oh yeah? watch me" you jump up a couple times, finally touching it the third. "see? you.. yo-you.." you trail off. you look down and see that your feet aren't touching the ground. you dart your head up, and see that all the pads of your fingers are stuck to the ceiling.

you look to khonshu, who seems as surprised as you are. your bottom lip shakes, and you try to get your hand off the ceiling, when you hear your door open.

"hey, y/n how are you fee-" steven freezes.

"help me" you say. "now. please. fuck-" you try to pry your hand off.

"alright kid, hang on" marc was fronting now. he reaches a hand up to your wrist and tries to pull it off, this time coming off easier than your phone did.

you would have fallen if marc hadn't caught you. taking his hands off your waist once he knew you wouldn't fall, he takes your hands in his and looks them over.

"marc..?" you now look visibly shaken up. "what the fucks going on?" you ask yourself.

"i'm as clueless as you are" he answers, letting go of your hands. "maybe you should see a doctor." he suggests and you shake your head.

"they are going to put me in an asylum" you shake your head more. "this!-" you gesture to your hand" -this, is not normal!" you start freaking out.

"i was just sticking to the ceiling marc. THE CEILING!" you tell him, and you stretch your arms out in a t-pose. "if i go to a doctor, they are going to transport me to area 51!" you finish and you feel a tingle on your wrist and a 'thwip' noise.

you jerk your head to the right, seeing as it was your right hand that tingled, and see what looks like a spider web stuck to your wall, a couple strands still connected to your wrist.

you slowly look to marc again, whos staring at the web in utter shock. "that just came out of you" he mutters.

"don't say it like that" you cringe. "but yeah. it did" you say in a quieter tone.

marc claps his hands all of a sudden and points at you, making you jump. "you were bit. by a spider." he says and you nod. "those are spider webs" he points to the webs on your wall.

"wheres that spider?"

"gone. reduced to atoms" khonshu cuts in. you and marc look at each other in confusion.

"is that a metaphor...?" you ask, looking back to the bird

"no, child. i destroyed it" he answers slamming his stick on the ground.

"like completely destroyed it? or just like kind of destroyed it?" you try to get him to elaborate.

"i crushed it."

"then what?"

"i saw a bird eat it"

"was the bird you?"

"no"

"is this an important conversation?" marc interrupts. "okay, so until you get this under control don't touch anything, alright?" marc directs towards you, and you nod, completely lost.

"until then.. i don't know." he shrugs. "i got nothin'" he finishes.

"what?! what do i do?! i have school tomorrow!" you try to remain calm.

"hey hey hey, calm down" marc says, and he puts a hand on each of your shoulders. "for now just try to control it a bit, okay?" he tells you, and you nod.

"alright, good, lets go sit down" he leads you to your kitchen table and gets out some sticky notes and a pen.

you sit down in the same spot you were for dinner, and marc sits down in the chair next to you. "so what exactly is happening?" he asks, getting ready to write.

"i ripped the handle off the sink"

"right. maybe its some form of super strength" marc starts scribbling on the paper.

"i was hanging onto the ceiling by my fingers" you deadpan.

"sticky hands" he writes down and you scoff. "'sticky hands?' what are you 5?" you say sarcastically. marc gives you a look. "yes. now what else?"

you hold your arm out again, and this time webbing shoots out of your wrists and towards the mirror steven was freaking out in. "web wrists" marc writes down.

"you're a child" you acuse.

marc doesn't answer, just looks at the paper in contemplation. "do the webs.. do they come out of anywhere else?" he hesitates.

you gape at him. "i sure hope not!" you smack marc in the shoulder, and of course, your hands sticks and you sigh.

"just think about it coming off" marc suggests. "what do you think i'm doing, idiot?"

"don't call me an idiot" marc warns, and you give one final yank and your hand comes off his sleeve, you both sighing out of relief.

~~~

“yeah, totally” you agree, making layla raise an eyebrow.

“anyways, i’m sure you’ve left trash in places though” she starts. “especially you, marc”

“well i’m not the one who stuffs wrappers in people’s pockets” marc looks towards you, which makes you scoff.

~~~

"hey kid, i-" marc started, but stopped when he realizes you weren't even in the room anymore. "you didn't see her leave?" marc asks steven and he shakes his head.

"we were busy talking how was i supposed to know she was going to leave?!" steven freaks out, and notices khonshu was gone as well.

"well at least khonshu is with her" steven points out. the two are silent for a moment. "i feel like that's even worse than her being alone" steven says and marc nods along.

there's a crash from the kitchen and marc looks towards you door. "oh sweet mother of god.." marc gets up off your bed and hastily makes his way out of your room where he sees khonshu perched on top of one of your kitchen counters.

marc gives the bird a questioning look, and khonshu responds by pointing at the counter that marc couldn't see behind, referring to the fact that you were probably over there.

so with a sigh, marc makes his way over behind the counter quietly, and sees you eating pop tarts with your knees to your chest.

"kid" marc starts, crouching down next to you. "what are you doing?" he asks and you look to him with distress written all over your face.

"khonshutoldmethatimgoingtolayeggslikeaspiderandidontwanna-"

"don't talk with your mouth full" marc tells you, so you nod and swallow your food before speaking again.

"khonshu told me that i'm going to lay eggs like a spider and i dont wanna lay eggs that so gross" you slur out, shoving more of your pop tart into your mouth as marc turns to glare at khonshu.

"y/n, darling, you aren't going to.. lay eggs. don't listen to him." steven tells you from the windows reflection. you nod at him and yawn, finishing your pop tart and reaching over to stuff the wrapper in marcs pocket.

"why- nevermind." marc starts, ignoring the fact that you just used him as a garbage can. "come on, back to your room" he hooks an arm under your already bent legs and another around your shoulders, lifting you up carefully and with ease before walking back to your room, you being dead silent the whole time.

he carefully sets you down on your bed, and you immediately go to hug your pillow tightly. marc sighs and covers you with a thin blanket, since he didn't want you over heating and moving your taweret plushie so that its in front of you if you need it.

"marc?" you rasp out with your eyes now closed. "yeah?" he answers, and you sigh.

"i don't feel good" you murmur, burying your face in your pillow. "i know, just get to sleep and i promise you'll feel better when you wake up" marc tells you and you sigh tiredly again.

"promise?" you meekly ask him and he smiles slightly.

"promise" 

~~~

layla sighs. “both of you just help me clean this up at least, there’s burnt.. whatever that is all over the floor” she says in disgust.

you and marc exchange glances before doing so.

layla ended up making you scrape the burnt stuff off the pan, and she made marc sweep up the floor.

all while she sat there and watched.

that’s just your mom for you though, it was a lesson learned.

you spotted a small dye stain on the counter though.

it was red.

from when you dyed your hair like months ago, the colors of your suit.

you smile thinking of the memory, but mentally cringe when you realize how faded it now is.

~~~

"y/n darling, why do you have so many colors?" steven asks, digging deeper in the box to find just about every color of the rainbow and more.

"because i'm quirky like that. now help me pick which ones i should do" you suggest and steven nods.

"you should do red and blue. like your suit" jake starts and you smile at the thought.

"that's actually not a bad idea" marc says, and steven picks up both the red and blue boxes, holding them out to you.

"let's get it started then" you start, taking the boxes and moving to the kitchen sink.

"it won't stain the sink, right?" steven asks.

"not if you scrub hard enough" you deadpan, making him give you a look.

"no, it'll be fine" you tell him, but he still seems skeptical.

"if you say so" he mumbles, watching you open the boxes to grab the tubes of color out of them.

"i'm going to do one side red and the other blue" you say more to yourself than anyone else, yet steven still nodded in acknowledgment.

"do you have gloves? because if you don't you're going to stain your hands"

oh steven. shut up. as much as you love him, he's sort of a dorky idiot sometimes.

"..yeah, i got gloves" you answer, tying up your natural hair so that it wouldn't get in the way.

"if you want you can do one half and i can do the other" you offer, steven nodding slowly.

"what if i hurt you? i don't want to accidentally pull on your hair too hard" he worries, and you shake your head slowly.

"you won't" you answer, digging through the box again and throwing a pair of gloves at him along with the red dye.

"it's simple, just rub the color into my hair i guess. then i have to wait twenty minutes to wash it out" you tell him, and he nods again.

you start doing so with the blue, after putting the gloves on of course.

steven watches first as you squeeze some of the gel into your hand, then just running it through your half of your hair.

steven reluctantly does the same, and you watch with a small smile as he carefully copies your movements.

once you were both done, you pinned it up and sat up on the counter while setting a timer with your phone after taking your gloves off and throwing them away.

steven takes his gloves off and throws them away as well, then looks to you with pursed lips.

"now what?" he asks and you shrug.

"i don't know" you sigh.

steven looks at you for a moment.

"you look like something's on your mind" he starts, and you look up at him. "care to share?"

"...it's stupid" you wave him off.

"then it shouldn't matter"

"it's about casper" you starts, steven leaning on the counter next to you.

"i.. i want to ask him to be my boyfriend" you end quietly, steven smiling at your statement.

"oh that's lovely" he replies, and you see marc and jake with different expressions from the reflection on the window above the sink next to you.

"are you sure he's the right one?" marc asks and you glare at him.

"nonono- i'm not criticizing i'm just making sure that you're making the right choice" he corrects and you nod.

"you don't have to worry about me. this isn't life or death, it's-"

"it's just a relationship, i know" he waves you off, making you snort and turn to jake, who has a smile on his face.

"you must let me know what he says, mi vida" he begins. "if he says no, i can always have a talk with him"

"that won't be necessary but thank you" you tell him, and as if on cue, your phone rings, signaling that casper was calling.

"well? answer it" steven nods to your phone, so you pick it up and press the small green button.

"hey, y/n i have a question" you hear instantly.

"you could've texted me"

"i wanted to hear your voice" he starts, steven listening with a smile.

"anyways- if you want my mom made bread again and wondered if you would come over for dinner"

you look to steven for permission, to which he nods.

"yeah, i'd.. i'd love to" you answer and you hear someone telling his name in the background.

"oh- that's allison i have to go. but text me when you're on your way" he hangs up, just like that.

you make direct eye contact with steven, waiting for him to speak.

"good, now you can ask him to be your boyfriend tonight"

your eyes widen a fraction. "what? no. not today i just meant like in time-"

"if you don't do it, i'll have khonshu cast another spell on you" steven grins.

your lips part in shock. "you wouldn't"

"i believe i would" he replies, to which you glare at him.

khonshu decided to appear next to you, perched on the counter. "he is not bluffing" he tells you.

you turn to glare at him, then back at steven. "fine" you throw your hands up in the air.

"but if he says no-"

"which he won't" steven interrupts.

"-jake is not going to have a talk with him" you conclude, and jake scoffs from the window.

"but it would hurt your feelings" he tries to justify his reasoning to beat up a 16 year old boy.

"there will be no talking" you tell him sternly and he nods hesitantly.

you're about to give a mini lecture to marc, when as if on cue your timer goes off.

"that was the quickest twenty minutes ever" you mutter. "okay, time to stain the sink"

"y/n you said it wouldn't stain!"

"i'm kidding, don't be a baby"

~~~

“y/n your phones ringing” marc tells you, breaking you from your head.

you look to him and see that he had your phone in his hand, and then observed that casper was calling you.

you sigh and answer it on speaker since you had to keep scraping the pan.

“why are you calling me so early?” you ask, and you hear a scoff.

“because i want to know if i can walk you to school and i was actually doing research” he says and you make a face.

“..about what?” you ask skeptically, while both layla and marc listen in.

“do you remember like a month ago when your cramps started and you said they felt like someone was smashing your uterus with a hammer?” he asks and you think back to your last period, when your cramps had gotten particularly painful.

“yeah why?” you answer.

“i found a solution” he starts and you raise an eyebrow.

“solution? like a tylenol?” you ask and you hear him hum before snickering.

“no- no actually i was looking online at things that could help relieve cramps and i’ll bet that you didn’t know that orgasms can in fact help”

“hey casper?” you ask as you feel your face heat up.

“yeah?”

“you’re on speaker”

there’s silence for a second.

“..who’s.. who just heard that?” casper asks hesitantly.

“both her parents, that’s who” marc speaks up, coming up close to you, who is internally dying.

“you couldn’t have just texted me? i woulda laughed if my parents weren’t in the room” you scold, and marc gives you a look.

“hey, you’re lucky i let the whole sex thing go but-“

“excuse me, the what?” layla interrupts and comes to stand to the other side of you.

“..shit” marc mutters, and you sigh.

“casper, i’ll see you at school” you say quickly before hanging up.

you slowly turn to face layla who doesn’t seem to find the situation funny.

“go get ready, i need to have a talk with your father” she falsely smiles at you so you just simply nod and do as she says, hoping she won’t give marc that bad of a talk.

~~~

"what fucking time is it?" marc complains, handing the control right to steven when he realizes how tired he was.

"oh wow thanks mate. it's only 7:38, quit being a baby" he yawns, slowly getting up off the bed.

"you think she's still sleeping?" steven asks out into the open, moving around the kitchen to make some tea.

"she better be, she had a rough night" jake answers, remembering how you masked the emotions you felt after watching all of them nearly die.

"what about casper? is he still here?" steven asks and he's only met with silence.

"yeah. nice talking to you too, numbskulls" steven rolls his eyes, leaving his kettle to heat up with the water to go check on you.

now, when he opened your door he's was met with a faint aroma he hadn't ever smelled before in your room, and that's when he felt the broken webs on the doorframe, and the fact that you were laying on top of casper.

he tilted his head as he ventured in a little more,

not wanting to intrude to much while you were asleep.

that's when jake noticed a couple things.

he saw a still damp washcloth on your nightstand, one of your bras was thrown onto the floor, which was not like you since you kept all your clothes private, oh and don't forget the pack of condoms on the floor next to it.

"steven get out" jake says and steven furrows his eyebrows.

"wha-"

"go drink your tea. just get out"

"but why-" he looks down, and his eyes linger on the box.

"oh my lord... are those-"

"are those fucking condoms?! are you kidding me?!" marc exclaims, and steven sees you stir in your sleep, so he scurries out of the room, shutting the door quietly.

steven was in shock. he was frozen in place as marc and jake argued.

"they did not- there's no fucking way-" marc starts.

"you're in denial amigo. it smelled like sex in there" jake retorts and marc feels like crawling into a hole and dying.

"but she-"

"but she what? steven said she was a horny teenager" jake scoffs and steven hums in denial, slowly walking back to pour his tea.

"i didn't say that, i said she was getting to the age where those type of hormones are-"

"steven please" marc cuts in and steven nods in understanding.

your door clicked open, revealing you rubbing your eyes and putting on one of your sweaters, closing the door behind you and calmly moving into the kitchen to reach up in the cabinet for your pop tarts.

"how are you guys feeling?" you ask the guys worriedly, eyeing stevens leg and seeing through the hole in his pants where the knife was that there wasn't any more blood or cuts, he was good as new.

"we are good, but you-"

"were you busy last night?" marc asks and you tilt your head.

"not necessarily"

"okay so what did you do?"

you stayed quiet, trying to figure out if he knew anything.

"me and casper-"

"i knew it!"

"-built a fort on the roof" you purse your lips and marc scoffs.

"oh yeah? what about after that?" he asks, not fronting and stepping closer to you.

"we went to bed"

"the same bed?"

"yep"

"hm"

marc takes a step away, leaning against the tower and finishes preparing stevens tea for him.

"so why was there a box of condoms on your floor?" marc asks nonchalantly and you choke on your pop tart.

your face turned as red as ever, and you looked down at the floor.

"we're going to have to have a talk, kid" marc starts, while you continue to hide your face from him.

"and your little boyfriend is invited too"

~~~

marc wanted to kicked casper out.

well, not kick, he just wanted to threatened him if he didn't get his stuff and leave.

marc needed him to stay though, so he could go over some ground rules.

which is what you were doing now. sitting on the couch while marc paced back and forth in front of you.

"listen, i know you're mad-" you start but are cut off.

"no no no- not mad just very disappointed" marc pulled the disappointed card, making you scoff.

"you're only 17, you have your whole life to do.. that" he starts and you sigh.

"and especially not in this house, or at least- i don't know pick up your clothes and the.. the uhm-"

"condoms"

"thank you steven- pick those up off the floor" marc continues and you nod.

marc takes a breath and runs a hand through his hair. "i can't do this- steven do you mind?" marc asks and steven hums.

"i got it, mate" and marc passes the control to steven, and he looks at the two of you.

"alright. yeah" he nods to himself. "so obviously you knew what you were doing, judging by the box of condoms on the floor" he starts and you groan, looking to casper who's just as uncomfortable as you are.

"hey- don't make that face you did this to yourself" steven says to the both of you, making you lean back and cross your arms.

"as i was saying- just because you practiced safe sex doesn't mean you can't contract diseases-"

"steven please stop" you say and cover your face with your hands.

"but you need to know that-"

"please no"

"darling-"

"steven"

he gives you a pointed look. "alright, alright just- if you decide to do it again just make sure you do it safely"

"and if you'd like you can talk to a doctor and get yourself some birth control"

"talk to a doctor?" you repeat. "no fucking way"

"watch your language, and yes, talk to a doctor" steven starts. "i reckon you haven't seen one of those for a long while, hm?" he asks and your silence gives him his answer.

"i should probably go-" casper starts but is so rudely interrupted by marc suddenly fronting.

"hang on just a second" he begins. "on no circumstances will you ever- and i mean ever lay a hand on my daughter until she's 18, you hear me?" he says sternly and casper nods frantically.

"good, now if you need to go then you should probably do so before i change my mind" marc tells him and he slowly gets off the couch.

"do you have everything?" you ask him quietly while marc turns back around to engage in conversation with steven and jake in one of the mirrors.

"yeah, my moms expecting me home soon" he shrugs and you walk him to the door after he puts his shoes on.

"i'm really sorry" you apologize. "i didn't think they'd find out- i should've-"

"hey, it's no big deal" casper smiles at you, opening the door.

"are you sure? please know that they would never actually hurt you" you say quickly and he chuckles.

"calm down and forget about it okay? he is about to pat your shoulder before he remembers the no touching rule.

"i'll call you later" he nods to you and you give him a confused look.

"no kiss?" you playfully pout and he rolls his eyes.

"now you look desperate" he says, making you scoff and take him by the collar of his shirt to deliver a quick kiss to his lips, then pulls back to nod at him.

"have a safe trip home" you tell him seriously and he nods, walking back so that he's in the hallway.

you close the door behind him and turn around slowly with a giddy smile on your face, marc giving you a weird look as you lock the door.

~~~

you came out of the bathroom after getting completely ready for school to see marc sitting on the couch with his arms crossed.

“what happened?” you ask, not seeing layla anywhere.

“i’m grounded” he scoffs and you smile at him.

“how’s it feel?” you start. “and where’d she go?”

“it feels fantastic” he begins sarcastically. “but she went up to the roof to probably punch something” he answers and you cringe.

“but it’s freezing outside, it’s almost winter” you say and he nods.

“she won’t be gone long, so i’d get to school before she can come give you a talk too” he tells you while both steven and jake agree.

you nod and head towards the door to get your shoes on.

“i’ll see you guys later, love you” you exclaim out towards your boys.

“love you too, sweetheart” “adios, mi vida” “have a nice day, love” are the responses you get before shutting the door behind you.

and now, you were waiting in your apartments lobby for a probably embarrassed casper to arrive.

and what a day it’s going to be.

~~~

A/N : it took fucking forever to find the specific memories from the earlier chapters omg but it was sooooooooooo fun i hope to do something like this again!!

~~~

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[slasher-male-wife]

hey, im having a true anxiety moment for reasons and i was wondering if i could get some hurt x comfort headcanons for Billy Lenz, Chop Top, Bubba, Thomas, Vincent, Bo, Brahms, and Eddie Munson with an s/o who has to get surgery( minor or extreme) and is absolutely terrified of surgery and medical stuff. i might have to have surgery on my damn face and i am very scared. your writing always makes me happy and keep being amazing <3

I’m so sorry this took so long, it was kinda hard for me to come up with ideas lately. I'm not the best at comforting people so I'm sorry if this really sucks. Also I like to keep things cannonical for my writing, like events of fics and headcannons taking place in the time the media is set it. This goes along with keeping slashers who live off the grid well off the grid. But it doesn't really matter to me this time because getting surgery, especially surgery on your face is scary. I've had surgery before, thankfully when I was younger and I don't remember much of it but I do have to get my wisdom teeth out soon and I am dreading it so much. I hope this help sooth your nerves a bit. You've got support from me on this too. Reader is gn.

Includes: Billy Lenz, Chop Top and Bubba Sawyer, Vincent and Bo Sinclair, Brahms Heelshire and Eddie Munson

Warnings: Surgery mentions, paranoia, strong language, talk of medical issues, Billy calling reader pretty piggy

Billy Lenz

You found out that you're going to have to get surgery to remove impacted teeth in the back of your mouth and you are terrified.

When you went to Billy crying he got very worried about you. He held you close to his chest and waited for you to tell him what was wrong.

When you do tell him whats wrong he doesn't fully understand but he doesn't let that stop him from comforting you. "Pretty piggy shouldn't worry. Pretty piggy will be fine. Billy will make sure pretty piggy is ok."

He'll do everything in his power to make sure you stay calm and think rationally. He'll talk about how doctors do things like that all the time and it won't be too long.

If he ever find you crying or stressing about it he'll hold you close to him and let you tell him everything. "Pretty piggy is safe with Billy. Billy won't let anyone hurt his pretty piggy,"

Chop Top Sawyer

After a visit to the doctors you find out you have to have surgery on your neck to treat a blockage in an artery. You've been stressing about that surgery since you found out you needed it.

Chop Top quickly caught onto what was going on and tries his best to comfort you. He'll talk about how when he got the plate his head he went under and never felt anything. I feel like he'd have a ton of other surgeries like getting stitches as a kid or even as an adult by Bubba.

He'll talk about all the times you've been super brave while at the house with them and how if you could get them to keep you alive you can survive a common surgery.

He’s gonna try to keep you distracted as much as he can by bringing you little trinkets and bones that he thinks are really cool. 

He’s not super good with emotions but he’ll listen to your worries and try to figure out how to comfort you from there. 

Bubba Sawyer

Just like with Chop Top you have to have surgery on an artery and you’re so worried something is going to go wrong and you’ll bleed out. When you tell Bubba about your worries he pulls you into a hug right away. 

Whenever he sees you getting worried he pulls you away from whatever you’re doing and holds you in his arms. He understands if you don’t want to talk to him about it but he just wants to try to make it better. 

He’s gonna do whatever he can to distract you from those feeling of stress and worry. Other people have said he has an emotional support chicken and I agree totally. He’ll let you hold it and have it sit in your lap. 

He’ll have Drayton make you your favorite foods and the twins keep it down. He’ll keep all the killing outside and keep the noise down. 

He’ll give you little projects to take your mind off the stress of the surgery. He’s not gonna let you stress more than you need to. 

Vincent Sinclair

After your nose got broken by a tourist you tried to heal it on your own, but once it didn’t get better Bo took you to the hospital and found out you have to get surgery to realign the bones. 

When you got back to the house you ran to Vincent for comfort. Crying about how scared you are to get it done. He holds you there and listens to you cry. 

He’s had his fair share of surgeries himself because of his deformity so he understands how scary it can be to get that done. He’ll sign to you about how you’ll he ok and that surgeries are really safe now.

He’s gonna promise to love you no matter how the surgery goes.

He’ll keep you busy by having you pose for him or getting you to help him with whatever art he’s making.

Bo

Like with Vincent you need to get surgery on your nose to realign your nose. Bo is quick to tell that you’re very nervous.

He’ll keep reassuring you that you’ll be fine and that you shouldn’t worry. He might get gross about all of the injuries he’s endured and survived.

“Then this other time I got a 4 inch knife stuck in my hip and Vinny had to sew me up. It took a real long time to heal and it left a nasty scar.”

He’s gonna make sure you know that getting the surgery is better than your nose looking wonky and getting infected.

He knows when you’re stressing and he takes you away from whatever you’re doing and whatever chores he has then help you calm down. He’s not gonna let you sit around and be all worried. If you’re gonna be worried you’ll be worried in his arms.

Brahms

After a lot of trouble with one of your knee joints you find out that you have a cyst there and you have to get it removed with surgery. 

When you tell Brahms about this and he sees how worried you get he gets really worried about it too. 

Brahms never got the medical attention he needed and he wishes he could have gone back and gotten it so he’s not letting you back out of this. He’ll be sure to be sensitive and kind about it though. He doesn’t want to scare you further. 

He’ll be so supportive. He’ll pull out old medical books and talk to you about how far medical advancements have come. If this just makes it worse he’ll stop talking about it.

He’s gonna help around the house with chores to his best ability to take stress off of you (ignore the fact that he’ll probably not to a great job and you’ll have to help clean up after him).

Eddie Munson

You find out that you need to get surgery on your hand to remove something blocking joints in your fingers. When you go to Eddie and he sees how stressed you are about it he’ll get stressed too.

“Hey Y/N come on don’t worry sweetheart you’ll be fine I promise.”

He’ll he extra nice to you while you deal with this. You wanna braid his hair? Go ahead he’s already sitting for you. You wanna watch some dumb romance movie with him? He’s grabbing the popcorn.

Constant reassurance that you’ll be ok with him. “ I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to you. It’s a 1/10000 chance that you get hurt ok darling?”

Will check in a lot more often. If the two of you don’t see each other one day he always calls you at night so you two can talk. But if he doesn’t get to see you that day the calls will be a lot longer and me might call a few extra times in the day just to make sure you’re ok. If you need him to come over he’s already on his way.

[ohholyfanfics]

Ten Stages: Stage One| Tom Holland

Stage One: Realization, the stage where they slowly start to realize that they are falling for someone. Where Tom has a sudden realization thanks to his best mate Harrison Osterfield.

She was running late, a bit later than usual. Checking his watch once more, Tom found himself humming along to the slightly over-played tone filling the car. The hot Virginia sun causes sweat to form on his forehead; reaching over, he quickly switched the AC settings knowing she'd complain the moment she got inside the car. Biting his bottom lip, he felt a wave of relief wash through him as he watched her walk out of the building. Hair in a neat ponytail, her figure hugged by a dress that looked way too good on her. Her light pink blazer rested on her arm as she waved goodbye to a colleague before making her way over to his car.

"Ah always a gentleman.." she hummed in approval watching as he swiftly got out of the car and opening her door.

Giving her his signature boyish grin, he leaned close to her, placing a soft kiss onto her cheek. Closing her door, she couldn't help but roll her eyes, watching as he climbed back in. Tom watched as she fiddled with the climate control on her side from the corner of his eyes.

"You sure you aren't going through menopause or something.." he mumbled, backing out of the spot and soon driving them towards their weekly lunch date.

"Isn't that your job to know.." she hummed, pulling her phone out from her bag. "Plus, I think I'm a bit to young for that Thomas.." she mumbled.

"Well aren't you a doctor.." he huffed out as she took this chance to slap him across the head. The loud groan that escaped his lips was enough the have a satisfied sigh escaping her own.

"Besides the point Holland, how was the first half of work? Any life saving surgery?"

He shrugged, he loved what he did, and every day, he was thankful for it. Sure it was hard work to get where he was now, but here he stood. Now three years into residency, he had somewhat of an idea of what he wanted to do. After learning that a position would be opening up at the hospital, he knew this is where he was meant to be.

"Not really, pretty slow today.."

She nodded her head; Tom was a bit further along than she was. He was nearing the end of his term and now had a whole different set of pressure resting on his shoulders.

"A spot is opening up at the hospital though.." he mumbled once they were seated at the country club—the same country club where they had first been introduced.

"Wow Tom, are you gonna apply?" She asked with wide eyes. They hadn't talked much about his plans after med school; she knew he had some sort of idea of staying local. "Is it in the department you're in now?"

"Um it's actually in the trauma department.." he stated as she nodded her head. This was the first time he was actually voicing his future plans with her. It wasn't that he kept her in the dark or that she felt entitled in being informed. Tom was her best friend, and she just wanted to support him in any way possible.

"Wow that's huge.." she stated as he nodded his head. He knew she had been seeing or talking to some guy from the hospital. It was possibly the first time since March that she had actually gone out on a date. Tom doesn't know if she went on a date or if they even still talked.

"Not sure if it's something I want though."

Y/N knew that was a code for closing that conversation, so she did just that. In an instant, their discussion switched to the fact that she will be gone for a few days. Tom had promised to look after her place along with being on dog sitter duties for Layla. He hummed softly as she basically gave him a tiny little run down of her short weekend trip and promising takeout the moment she's back. He knew it was a code word for debriefing after spending a few days confined with her family members.

"Harrison's coming down right?" She asked once they were seated at their usual table. "He texted me asking if I'll be around.."

"Yeah, he's staying a couple days.." he mumbled, eyes scanning the menu though it was kinda pointless. He already knew both their words.

"Hmm, it'll be good for you." She mumbled, clearing her throat. As much as y/n hated to admit, she knew this time was difficult for any medical student. The ending was nearing, and the sudden pressure to have everything set in stone was terrifying. However, she knew as much as anyone that Tom was in a much different mindset than when they first met.

The Tom Holland sitting before her was different; he had a future planned out for himself. Sure, he didn't plan ahead like she had, but the small amount he did was a great start. She also knew that pushing him into making decisions was never an intelligent choice; Tom knew what he wanted and had all the necessary tools to pursue whatever it was he wanted in life. One thing she was clear on was that he was staying in Virginia.

"Can I ask you something.."

She looked up at him nodding her head. His tone was slightly different, closer to the one he used the morning after their last candle and wine night. The same night where she may have cried a bit too much in his guest room.

"That night at the beach, when when we made the bet, where you in a sense preparing yourself? You know, for like the breakup?" He asked softly, thanking the waiter as they set their drinks down.

She looked at him a little dumbfounded, not really knowing what to say. She knew what she had to say, but the words couldn't seem to come out. She looked at him for a few seconds, mind racing before finally speaking.

"No, I wasn't. If I'm being completely and utterly honest with you Tom, I thought Marc was maybe the one. We were together for so long and everything was so close to perfect. I don't think I really ever saw us ending.."

He nodded his head, ignore the slight sting upon hearing those words, not that he was surprised. It hurt him to know that something that she believed in so desperately ended without any explanation. He couldn't even begin to imagine what she was feeling or what she thought the moment everything sunk in. However, Tom also knew y/n was a lot stronger than everyone gave her credit for.

"Have you talked to him?"

"No, he didn't answer the first couple of texts I sent. So I guess I kinda got the hint you know. I'm not necessarily bothered by it, I mean I was in the beginning but now it kind feels numb."

"Shouldn't you like talk to a professional love.." he mumbled as she smiled at him softly. "I know it's in a sense traumatizing.."

"Don't worry doctor, I talk to my shrink about it. Im kinda coming to terms with the fact that maybe we weren't meant to be.." she mumbled as he nodded her head. "I just, I'm focusing on myself and getting through all this. If love comes my way it comes my way..."

"How knows darling, the one might be right under your nose." He chuckled, leaning over to bop her on the nose. He couldn't help the laugh that escaped his lips, watching her nose scrunch up and eyes crinkle up.

"God I hate you sometimes.."

It's been two days since Y/N had left for New Hampshire on a small family getaway. As much as she wanted to drag him along, and as much as Tom hated to admit it, a weekend with the Y/L/N sounded pretty amazing; Harrison finally got some time off and was coming to visit. He was had just finished stocking his fridge with a few essential items the two would need before the door open and the sound of barking welcomed the blond inside the townhouse.

He couldn't help the sense of familiarity that washed over him seeing his best friend come into view. Tom hated to admit it, but he needed to see him, more than he could like to admit. After a hug that might have lasted a few seconds longer, they were both drowning in beer and one of Harrison's favorite dishes made by y/n.

"Where is our own personal pyschatrists anyways?" he asked before taking a sip of his beer.

"Went up north to visit family, something about get together or whatever.."

Harrison nodded his head, picking at the label on his beer. The two had done a decent amount of catch-up, but he couldn't seem to notice the lack of mention of his neighbor.

"Marc must be happy to see her.." Harrison mumbled as Tom tensed up at the name. He wasn't sure what Harrison did and didn't know. "I actually ran into him a few days ago."

Tom choked slightly on his beer as he looked back at him at a loss. He wrecked his brain on what he could say but kept coming out short. The one thing coming to mind was just blurring out how Marc suddenly stopped responding without an explanation. How he suddenly can't stop thinking about their stupid bet, and how every day the chances of becoming a reality increase.

"Mate, they aren't together anymore..."

"Stop bullshitting me Holland, Marc looked very much in love with her when I asked him how things were between them.."

Tom couldn't help but scoff, thinking back to the night she had shown up with too many bottles of wine and a broken heart.

"Mate he ghosted it, thats a pretty funny way of showing your love."

"Fuck, I had no idea."

"No one did mate."

The past few days were pleasant and relaxing; the two spent time together. Harrison was just what time needed, and within the short few days Harrison was there, Tom realized a couple of things:

One that he couldn't possibly live without both Y/N and Harrison in his life.

Two that he was going to take the position at the Trauma Department.

"Thomas Stanley did you miss me..." she giggled softly as he brought her into a bone-crushing embrace. The sigh that escaped his lips was overwhelming.

Maybe, you don't see her as just a friend, mate. I don't do half of the shit you do with her, with Jessica.."

"Shut up, Y/N.." he mumbled, slightly pushing her away while shaking Harrison's voice out of his head. "I got that wine you told me about.."

"Yum, it's good." she stated as she took a seat at the island. He couldn't help but smile as she leaned over, smelling the candle he had picked out. "Cactus Bloom?"

"Its a good debriefing scent, not too intesne.."

I don't bother to memorize small insignificant facts about just some random girl, not even if we're close. I'd understand a few minor details, but not all.

She watched as he poured them both a glass before handing her a plastic spoon and pushing a carton of takeout towards her. She hummed in appreciation, sending him a wink.

"So how was your few days with Harrison?" she asked, swirling the pasta around. "How's he doing?"

"He's doing, says the kids say he speaks funny.."

"He does speak funny, you both do.." she hummed, locking eyes with him and a wide grin. "But its a cute funny.."

"Funny."

She hummed, sending him a wink before taking a few more sips of her wine. He sighed, leaning back in his seat as he took a good look at her. She looked different; she was happier, lighter even. It was clear these few days away did good on her, and he was glad.

You notice the little things about her Tom, from the color of her nails to when her mood shifts. No one reads that deep unless they fancy someone.

"I'm gonna take the spot in the truma department.."

Her lips formed an 'O' before launching herself into his arms. Her lips lightly brushing the skin against his neck, causing his arms to hold her a little tighter.

Now tell me, Holland, how does she make you feel? Don't hold back anything Tom, it's me. You can be honest, mate. Do you fancy Y/N?

"God, Tommy I'm so happy for you.."

The way her eyes sparkled caused a storm to awaken within him. His heart was beating a bit too fast, the sudden urge to pull her into a kiss. The feeling was overwhelming as she started to ramble still in his embrace.

It was at that moment that the realization kicked in. Tom Holland was starting to fall for his best friend, and he wasn't sure how to deal with it.

Taglist:

@thenoddingbunny-blog @blueberrynonnie @bi-lmg

[whosaskingwrites]

I Remember (Bokuto x Reader)

A/N: Bokuto is my absolute favorite in Haikyuu so this physically pained me to write. But I personally love this one its my favorite and its told entirely from Akaashi's point of view. Also this one ended up being the longest one so there's that.

WARNINGS: ANGST. Hospital is mentioned so mentions of needles. There's fluffy moments scattered in but do not be fooled it is angst.

Date: Sunday October 25th, 2020

Details: 7 pages 2,518 words

Theme: Hanahaki Disease- The victim begins to have flowers grow in their lungs leading to them coughing up flowers petals this continues getting worse until it causes their death. There's a surgery option to get rid of the flowers but it comes at the price of never feeling love again.

Angst Masterlist

I was twenty three years old when the first petal appeared. It was a pure white rose petal as it sat in my palm. That was the same day I told my best friend Akaashi.

I answered the phone holding it to my ear and before I could say anything Y/n’s voice came through. “Keiji I’m panicking I don’t know what to do and I’m scared-,” I interrupted her talking trying to understand what was happening. “Y/n slow down what’s wrong?” She took a deep shuttering breath as she responded “…I’ve got Hanahaki Disease Keiji,”

I was twenty four years old when I had to be rushed to the hospital during a MSBY game. I was hooked up to machines Akaashi by my side. He held my hand when I cried and admitted the cause of the flowers.

“Keiji I really love him…And I don’t know what to do…,” I sighed looking at her before I spoke “You two have been friends for years im sure you’ll be okay no matter what,” She shook her head eyes wide in fear “Keiji…loving him is different I can’t tell him!”

Bokuto was the reason for those snow white rose petals.

I was twenty four when the first petal appeared. It was a f/f petal clutched in my palm. That was the same day I told my friend Kuroo. 

“Kuroo I’ve got something to tell you,” Kuroo heard Bokuto’s voice over the phone speaking as soon as Kuroo had answered the phone. “Aw are you about to express your undying love for me?” He snickered at his own joke but Bokuto didn’t laugh with him “I’ve got Hanahaki Disease...,” Kuroo took a sharp inhale of breath when Bokuto told him what was wrong. “Oh fuck,”

That same age I was rushed to the hospital during my match. I was hooked up to machines with Kuroo by my side. He sat next to me when I admitted the cause of the flowers.

“Kuroo it hurts. Why does it hurt so much?” Bokuto’s hand was pressed against his heart a fresh trail of blood on his face and trashcan overflowing with f/f petals. “Bokuto…,”Kuroo said staring at his friend feeling sad just watching him. “I love her Kuroo so why does it hurt?” Bokuto looked up then locking eyes with Kuroo and Kuroo gasped as for the first time he saw Bokuto’s normally bright gold eyes were now dull and lifeless.

Y/n was the reason for those f/f petals.

They fell in love with each other at different times. She fell slowly not willing to jeopardize everything they’d have for years. 

“Keiji I can’t tell him! It’d ruin everything even if he felt the same,” She was nervous as I spoke her eyes looking everywhere but my face. “It wouldn’t ruin everything Y/n,” I soothed her rubbing gentle circles in her hand “I can’t risk everyone’s friendships for this,” she whispered finally looking me in the eyes. Her eyes had lost their normal spark and I knew she was missing him.

He fell fast but unwilling to put their relationship on the line.

“Kuroo I’m not telling her,” Bokuto’s arms were crossed over his chest his iv needle jostled slightly causing him to hiss in pain. “Bokuto nothing will change!” Kuroo mirrored the arms crossed position as he looked at Bokuto. “Everything would change!” He threw his hands up trying to emphasize his point.

It was a funny thing though back in high school everyone always assumed they were dating.

“Y/n!” She turned in her spot her eyes catching Bokuto’s “Kota!” she cheered as he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her up in a hug “Aw they’re so cute together,” A first year said while everyone nearby stopped to watch. “There goes Fukurodani’s power couple,” Konoha said from next to me with a chuckle. “I wish I had a relationship like theirs,” Another third year girl said. “We aren’t dating!” Y/n claimed still holding on to Bokuto. Its not like he helped though “Yeah!” He yelled pouting as he rested his chin on top of her head. “Yeah right,” A second year whispered nearby.

Those last few days in the hospital though…Those would stick with them forever.

I walked her to Bokuto’s room she had finally cracked and decided to tell him her feelings. We walked in her holding onto me and she held onto the pole holding her I.V bag. She looked at him he was sitting up in the bed looking no better than she did. 

Both of them looked so tired. With eye bags and skin discoloration everywhere. They both bruised so easily now and were malnourished and dehydrated. Both had been unable to really eat or drink anything since they often threw up flower petals.

Bokuto’s hair was down and messy and I shivered at the depressing aura in the room. She moved forward and nudged his feet to get him to move them. Both of them seemed aware of the other’s fragile states being very soft in their touches. It however was very obvious both of them wanted to hold each other.

She sat when he moved his legs and Kuroo went to stand by me. I noticed he was taking pictures and he smiled when I noticed. “So they remember how dumb they are,” he whispered. She reached forward and took his hands holding them lightly “Bokuto please listen I love you,” He pointed at me then and offered her a shaky smile. “No...You love him Y/n,” he was trying to convince himself she didn’t and she knew that.

“No Kota I love you,” his eyes widened then knowing she was telling him the truth. She never lied to him when she used his nickname. He would have been able to tell if she was lying anyway. For once his gold eyes returned to their normal brightness as he leaned forward.

I remember how they hugged sobs falling past their lips and tears running down their faces.

“Kota I’m so sorry!” her head was buried in his chest as she cried arms wrapped around him. “It’s okay I’m here…and I’m sorry too,” He placed a kiss on top of her head as he whispered his response. I didn’t know why they were apologizing to each other but then again. I didn’t need to know they were happy and that’s what mattered.

I remember how they kissed hushed I love yous falling past their lips and their tears mixing together everytime they kissed.

“I love you so much Y/n,” Bokuto said pressing soft kisses to her face and multiple against her lips. “I love you too Kota…so so much,” she had replied back in-between the kisses. Her hands were in his hair running her fingers through the silver and black strands. “I feel like we shouldn’t be here,” Kuroo whispered to me as we looked at them.

His hand was holding tightly to her hospital gown the other hand was on her hip rubbing small circles into it as she sat on his lap. Their foreheads rested together at this point both of them closed their eyes basking in silence and finally being able to hold eachother.

“Maybe…But they deserve this Kuroo-san,”

I remember her sitting between his legs as they talked about the future. They talked about their future son.

“His name is gonna be Keiji Tetsuro Bokuto!” Bokuto had exclaimed Y/n was leaned back against his chest. His arms around her waist and she was holding his hands. Bokuto would occasionally press kisses to her neck and shoulder blade but it never seemed to bother her.

“Wait wait wait! Why is my name the middle name?” Kuroo asked looking at the pair. “Because Keiji is mine and Bokuto’s best friend,” Y/n responded with a smirk. “So will they be a middle blocker since Y/n chose his first name?” Kuroo asked wanting something besides a middle name. 

“I think he’d make a good setter,” I voiced smirking at Kuroo while he glared at me. “You’re both wrong! He’s gonna be a wing spiker like his father!” Bokuto exclaimed looking at us with a proud smile.

I remember how all four of us argued and how they described how their son would look.

“He’s gonna be 6’1 and just as cheerful as me!” Bokuto said with a smile gold eyes bright as he talked. “I hope he has s/c skin like me,” Y/n said leaning back against Bokuto’s shoulder while he hummed looking at her. “I think he’ll have shiny h/c hair like you!” Bokuto suddenly said looking at Y/n with a bright smile. “Well Kota I think he’ll have big golden eyes just like you,” She said as she turned back to look at him.

A hand hit my shoulder causing me to flinch as I looked away from the paper I was writing. Kuroo stood their a small smile on his face. “Ready to go Akaashi?” He was wearing a dress that barely reached his knees unlike myself where I was in a suit. Normally we didn’t dress up on weekends but this weekend was special.

I remember how Bokuto proposed on his hospital bed a thin silver ring placed on her finger when she accepted.

Bokuto was laying down now Y/n pulled on top of him. His arms were still around her and the sun was setting. Kuroo and I had assumed by the soft breathing that the two of them had fallen asleep. Until Bokuto spoke up breaking the peaceful atmosphere 

“Hey Y/n marry me?” He whispered. She lifted her head up and looked at him her eyes were wide in shock as she spoke.“W-what?” “I want you to marry me,” He said again looking at her with so much affection in his eyes.“Kota I…Of course I’ll marry you,” She whispered kissing him he reached beside him and put a small silver ring on her finger. Sakusa had brought it for him earlier when he asked.

“Can we get married in the spring? The cherry blossoms always look so pretty then,” She requested as she placed her head back on his chest. “Anything for you Y/n,” He whispered burying his nose into her hair.

We reached the hill that the two of them had met on. I always remembered that day too unaware that in a few years we’d be back for a different reason.

“Bokuto-san slow down!” I called watching him run towards a hill. He turned to face me now running backwards his school tie fluttered out behind him and a wide grin was on his face. “I can’t Akaashi! I’ve been sitting still ALL DAY,” He shouted back towards me. I saw behind him a girl with h/c hair walking by seemingly unaware of her surroundings. 

“Bokuto-san watch out!”I called pointing behind him with wide eyes. He turned suddenly but couldn’t slow down in time “Wha-?” He ran into the girl knocking them both down. I winced as I got closer hearing a groan from them. Bokuto sat up suddenly looking at the h/c girl “Ah! I’m so sorry!” He shouted helping her back up. The girl rubbed her head and waved a hand at the apology before speaking. “No um it’s okay really!” 

“Hey what’s your name?” Bokuto had a curious look on his face head tilted to the side. He was staring at the girl with wide gold eyes and yet she didn’t seem bothered by it in the slightest. “Me? Oh I’m L/n Y/n!” She chirped smiling and holding a hand out. “I’m Bokuto Koutarou!” He said matching her smile before he shook her hand. “Nice to meet you Bokuto,”

I sighed as I got there looking at the cherry blossom petals that fell down around us. “Today’s the day huh Bokuto-san and Y/n to of course,” Kuroo came up next to me.

I remembered them talking about the wedding wide smiles on their faces and holding onto each other tightly.

“I think we should have a dog bring the rings!” Bokuto stated throwing his hands up from where the rested on Y/n's back. She scrunched her nose at that. “No Kota the dogs should be the flower girls!” She said back her voice clearly indicating she was tired. Bokuto hummed in thought it must have been pleasant as she burrowed closer to his chest.

“I like that! Can Kuroo be the ring bearer?” Bokuto asked putting his hands back and tracing soft circles into her skin. She sighed in content at the action while Kuroo scoffed. “Wait why me? Why not Akaashi?” He stated with arms crossed “Im Bokuto’s best man that’s why,” I answered the question for them as the fatigue was beginning to wear on them both.

“Yeah and Yukie is my maid of honor! So you can be the ring bearer,” Y/n mumbled from her position. “Can I be a bridesmaid instead? I’ll even wear a dress,” Kuroo called. “Fine but only if you find a replacement ring bearer,” She whispered and I stood “Good night you two,” I said looking at Bokuto and Y/n.

Kuroo got up as well as Bokuto and Y/n whispered a good night. “See you tomorrow,” Bokuto mumbled nuzzling closer to Y/n his eyes barely open as he looked at us. “See you tomorrow,” Kuroo called back. Bokuto’s eyes closed then and he sighed. The last thing we heard before walking out were Bokuto and Y/n talking to each other quietly.

“I love you Kota,” “I love you too Y/n,”

“Sorry we were late there was some traffic!” I turned seeing my old volleyball team and the MSBY team everyone in suits or dresses. Sakusa had a pair of rings in his hand after he was made the ring bearer. Iwaizumi had brought Oikawa, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki. Each of them had a dog with a basket of flowers. “Well let’s get this started then,” Kuroo said as he took his place on Y/n’s side while I moved to Bokuto’s side. 

Two hours later all of us were leaving to go a restaurant. I sighed as we left Bokuto and Y/n behind their rings sparkled in the sunlight. We left them with a bouquet of white roses on Y/n’s side and f/f on Bokuto’s side. I stood for a minute facing the two grey slabs of marble side by side like they deserved and let my final memories of them go as I stared at the photo of them Kuroo had left.

It was of them holding each other with tears running down their cheeks and smiles on their faces. 

I remember how they admitted their love for each other when it was too late to save them. 

I remember them at twenty four leaving the world curled up in each other’s arms unaware that they wouldn’t wake up again but they left knowing one thing.

They knew they loved eachother.

————————————————————————

TAGLIST: @wonhomarshmallow

[currentfandomkick]

Why Marinette Hates Tim

Marinette blames Tim next summer for all that happened. Why? He cursed her with a vague theory. And Max and her Both know give her a clue and she has to follow it to solve the puzzle—a fatal flaw for her, Puzzler, Hero Stalker (Tim), Riddler and her father, Professor Strange (even if he is using an alias and supposedly dead as far as legal documents go).

Hero Staker Tim swore he’d become Robin if the current one left. It was a joke between them, she thought. Then he vanished the next summer, the first one where there wasnt any Robin mentioned anywhere. It was eery.

Then, then Timothy Drake, heir to some company-who looks a lot like her Hero Stalker—is a Wayne. And there’s a new Robin. This... deeply bothers Marinette. Why? New Robin seeks her out and talks a lot like Hero Stalker. And has a too similar movement pattern and tells.

And wasnt Hero Stalker Tim from a rich but high on neglient at best family? Didnt that happen to Timothy Drake before ending up as a Wayne?

Her that puzzle peice was central to figuring this out and goddamnit. Frost, who hates gossip, told her to just look up the rich families with kids Hero Stalker’s age and see who looked like him and to leave from to his lab and antidotes already.

Frost accidently gave her the vital method to see if Hero Stalker was that dumb to be become Robin after Robin the Second (Jason) was brutally murdered. The answer was yes.

And now Marinette had a crisis. She knew Batman’s identity was Bruce Wayne. How? Tim calls Bruce his dad. New Robin slipped and called him dad. And Tim is New Robin since Tim is Hero Stalker and no one else came close to looking like Hero Stalker from the data pool which involved more hacking than she ever thought she would do.

Marinette, a child, figured out who Batman was by age 9 becuase his new Robin/former Stalker was too obviously himself. She is embarrassed on his behalf, and honestly debates asking Riddler to separate him and Bats in a non-lethal puzzle trap just to lecture him. Becuase what the fuck Hero Stalker! If she can figure it out, then everyone else can too! Probably(?) likely. Either way its bad!

She doesnt though... Riddler puts together she’s concerned for the new Robin, traps Bats in a different puzzle maze from Robin, who is stuck with a grounded Marinette. Why was she grounded, easy. She got caught returning stolen jewlry on camera. It was punishment for failing basic stealth—always take out any witness.

And instead of pointing out she knows who Bats is, she tells him to work on a different persona since ‘i made you weeks ago. Its pretending to be someone you’re not completely is all. I have to do that around Maman and Papa all the time, and whenever i go out with anyone really. Up your secret identity game already!’

Riddler is busy with Bats and didnt do cameras. Why? “Im not redesiging a perfectly good grounding maze every time. They take time and i dint always have it. Its time economics Batman. I dont know what our lovely Princess said or did to your Robin. He’s fine though, see? No major injuries.”

Tim relized Marinette knew Hero Stalker was batman’s new Robin. This meant one thing—he could still help her and the RKC now! Why? He knew even if they made him out, they want to help people and never be like their parents, duh. And if they added to his budding information network with incredibly accurate information so long as he didnt rat them out to Batman, its fine.

Afterall, Pixie Pop wants to help poeple and is working the rouges into vigilantes to help more than hurt, and is doing a great job of it for the most part. So if Pixie Pop is Princess who’s the maybe kryptonian and her powers align with that theory, so what? Superman has an heir already and a bio!son too, apparently. Lois didnt tell him since they werent together then and yeah. So really, Superman didnt need another kid, and Pixie Pop didnt want another dad—“i have Papa and Father and now four of my friends’ dads in Paris called dibs on partial custody. I have more dads than i need for a quartet. That is far too many dads and i refuse to get another one!”

Then Marinette is talking to Alix and finds out about an old director at the Lourve her dad knew, Diana Prince. Marinette was working on a Wonder Woman inspired outfit, and knew her history of Wonder Woman thank you. Its just...

Wonder Woman appeared just after Miss Prince Left. And from the videos Alix sent of her new hero, she was terrifyingly similar to Wonder Woman. Not only did they look alike and have the same hair style preference, it was the same face if she did facial recognition with Markov, her robot son with Max. Then there was gait, generao stances and how she interacted with men and women so differently as both people and damnit. Same person.

She curses Hero Staker Tim for this. She now has to hide two hero identities. Why her?

The third was debatably Ivy and Harley’s fault, but defiantely still Tim’s. Why? He was the one that got her hooked on Barry Allen’s cases, and pointing out that he didnt see meta as bad or evil but as people who can be good or be civilians peacefully. That, she needed that with how much vitrol she had to swallow about her powers indirectly from everywhere but her school and some parts of Gotham.

In her defense, she is a nerd here. A nerd. So realizing the The Flash is also the forensics guy from Central City that she kinda follows on all her social medias, watches the cases of unfold, and knows has a reputation for being late a lot like her but is still well liked. So she may fangirl about his cases with Hero Stalker erm. Tim now, still.

And if one day she managed to pout at her father enough to get him to agree to let her go with Harley and Ivy to Central City for a few days to see the meta museum they just opened up (technically the Flash Museum, but Marinette didn’t care. It was focused on metas not being horrible and that meant a lot to her scared, meta closeted butt).

And then her favorite forensic investigator, The Barry Allen, shows up? Best day ever. He’s nice! And concerned about how much of his cases she knows. Its not her fault this time though! Hero Stalker—Tim—sent her a case of his that went cold and she liked his science and yeah. New hero added to her listpersonal heroes list.

Harley isn’t even mad, just amused as Marinette fangirls over someone that isnt her and Barry has no clue how to respond as a tiny child know him as Barry Allen and thinks he’s awesome? Why?? He is happy but so confused and Iris is dying until Marinette cites cases that she shouldnt know about and tiny child why, how, when and where did you get that information!

The only answer is a friend likes cold cases and has no qualms hacking to find interesting ones, if he’s stumped then Marinette (Jill Smith mr. allen sir!) gets to try. And she is good at it since she can ask an officer in France (officer Raincomprix) about logistical things, common error margins and then puzzle it all out herself from there.

Somewhere she mentions absently that her mom doesnt like her science-y side since her dad was a bad person and liked science but she still likes learning and helping, even if the family buisness is food and service and they want her to either take over or become a designer. She’s thinking maybe for people woth disabilites so she can do more mental work and toy with hiw things bend and move and such.

Iris and Barry are ConcernedTM and debating how to get custody, or get her away from her mom or both. Probably both—no science allowed for a clear science obssessed kid is a red flag for bith of them that somethinf is very wrong. Harley and Ivy wave it off as “trust us, her mom aint budging.”

then the Flash is needed because of some gorilla—Marinette was more focused on an outfit on display and muttering over aerodynamics and friction. Barry is Concerned (smart kid, likes helping, potentially a league ally?) before he bolts, determined to get more on her when he returns and possibly see if he can get cps involved.

Marinette only notices that her hero moving so fast and oh god she did it again damnit! That was superspeed. And only one speedster had similiar measurements, the Flash.

She cant even tell Hero Stalker now because he’s Robin and the Justice League would Flip if they knew she knew 3 of their hero’s identities. She just hit her head and said “i did it again!” Harley pats her head while Marinette burrows into her because why is she a danger to the Justice League and secret identities! She doesnt want to be or to know damnit!

Tim sneezes in the distance and wonders who’s talking about him behind his back this time. He messages batgirl about this bad feeling he has and she laughs it off as the boy developing Batman’s paranoia.

Her Fourth solve was Green Arrow. It was an accident! She swears. She just saw oliver queen with a bow and arrow in a video shooting. and noticed he had a very distinct and familiar style to someone but not who. Then compared it to various archers as her brain was nagging. Then saw a green arrow video and cursed herself again then Tim five more times.

She sent a message to Rose asking why she’s a danger to all secret identities. Rose tells her it is her curse for being too damn smart and not leaving things alone.

Marinette tries reallly hard not to figure out the next one. But really, it should have been an earlier solve and she’s mad at herself for missing it for so long, even if it was more aviodance than denial.

Admittedly this one should have been an earlier solve, but she was very little when she found out about the surgery and everything and it was uncomfortable damnit! So she did what any reasonable child would. Ignore it. Then she went over the file to see if maybe she could possibly target parts of the kyptonian DNA in her to weaken it. And saw who the intended donor was, Clark Kent, a reporter that has impossible luck with big hero scoops, is never injured or rescued, and never been sick. He also looks like... one quick photoshop of his glasses onto superman with a clothing change and she sees her usual disguise technique on goddamn superman. She is overwhelmed with this as ‘oh god superman will kidnap me if he finds out!’ And hides from him whenever he’s in the region—be it France or Gotham.

Her friends think its hilarious, Marinette feels sick from it. She doesnt like this and is genuinely scared for her life and family’s safety now. And we all know how nervous marinettes are.

If at one point batman tried to talk to her on patrol and somewhat suceeded. As in, she spoke beofre bolting.

“I didnt figure out who boyscout and amazon and boltbrain and arrowhead are! Or you and the batfam! Bye!!!!” Yes, clearly Marinette can lie very well.

Batman sees through it and feels sick. He forces a league meeting asap and fills them in.

“this kid put five of our identities together and cant even lie. We need to recruit them.”

“Batman, is this that kid KF mentioned to me?”

Batman nodded. Flash sighed. “Okay. We are on a manhunt for a kid kyptonian that is terrified of all of us, very smart, and may have an active gotham villain as a parent. And somehow knows me and—wait. bats, do you have any pics of your rogues in civilian clothing? I need to test a theory...”

A few minutes later and “oh my god that little kid i met as a civilian figured me out!”

A few days later Flash finds her by acccident as a civilian kid in broad daylight on her own in Central. He doesnt show he knows she knows, And finds out she’s waiting for her babysitter to finish a class.

Flash just asks about a case he put together as Barry Allen that she might know about and...

“Uh, mr. Flash? Why are you asking me? The lead florensics was Barry Allen.”

He tries insulting Barry Allen—he’s late and sloppy and—

only for Marinette to defend him to the death. “He’s late because he stays up late working on other cases. Appearances and organizational skills arent what matters with his expertise mr. flash! He even foghts for metas to have their circumstances and powers impact on them considered dueing sentencing!”

Flash is very touched and shocked. only then he manages to get out of her that where she lives (france) being meta is a life sentence to “a living zombie And jail-time for being born a lot, even if it is t in normal prisons. And you know what? Mr. Allen stated so many times that you need to contextualize powers and abilities and intent in his testimonies for meta cases. Back home youre put in prison for defending yourself...” she tugs at her sleeve here.

“Maman screamed at me when she found out a few kids were getting stalked and i helped out and someone got it on tape. Not becuase my powers showed or anything—father made a treatment so they dont, well, they stay off when i use them and follow all the behavior and environmental rules so they cant put me in one of the centers. But she, she’s stills cared someone will try to check me for abilities back in France, and that she’ll lose me. She doesnt always realize i have them until things like that happen...”

Flash is desperately trying not to adopt her. Wally would love a little sister, and Superman has enoguh kids, Bats does too. he is oreventing arrow form having another one as she’s powered and that isnt a good when working with Green Arrow unless the meta is his girlfriend. And the girl loves science—come on!

batman, Green Arrow, Wonder Woman and Superman heard the Feance bit over comms and suddenly it hit them that the kid could be in danger for existing and that an entire country villified being meta to an extreme. That the girl is in hiding and probably using an alias constantly. Batman mentally adopted her ages ago and is now in Worried Dad mode like Flash and apparently Superman was falling into it too. Wonder Woman is in righteous rage mode and ready to fight france herself if she has to—no imprisoning metas for being metas!

Flash decided to be direct since he knew she trusted him as Mr. Allen and knows he’s Flash.“So, am i allowed to know which powers you have?”

Marinette shook her head, visbily distressed and floating skightly. “If, if they ever find out i cant. I cant risk Maman and Papa and Father. I dont know everything but Father only started being a good person after the, the incident where he had to go into witness protection. Maman is dead as far as a lot of people are concerned, or she never existed. Papa doesnt know about any of it. I cant. I cant risk what they worked for by being outted.”

Flash is very concerned. “Thats a lot of pressure to put in yourself, especially at your age.”

marinette didnt make eye contact then. “I have to. If i dont people can connect dots and dashes and blips. Father says its easy for him too and that possibilities are just what we’re both hardwired for but. But i shouldn’t catch as many as i do—my teachers keep saying i need to dial it back and stop catching on so fast and blurting it all out but, i just...” marientte is visibly drowning under the pressure to act not-meta and keep her family safe.

“Sounds like youre a real smart kid.”

“Smart kids dont get caught.” She meant herself with her jewlry returns, Flash thought she meant the JL, and tried to redirect the conversation.

If the JL was out then...

“If you cant tell me, can you at least tell me you have someone to talk to about these things?”

“Auntie Quinn and Rose. Rose doesnt like you guys though.”

Flash laughed a little at that. “Alright, fair enough. Who made her mad? Was it arrow?”

“Batman.” Marinette frowning as she said the enxt bit. “Something about her being given to someone that should never be allowed bear children? She rants a lot so i cant always keep up.”

Batman internally bangs his head against a table. Outwardly, he says “Ivy’s daughter, rose. That girl, she’s the Princess.”

The assemebled winced. They all pushed for Rose to be sent toback to her mother, Ivy, since they didnt trust her with any available mentor and Ivy was usually a low ranking Gotham eco-terrorist pacified by wayne gardens and green initiatives. Apprently Rose has a lot of sway over the Princess too.

Marinette changes the conversation while. Waiting for her babysitter, Ghoul, to leave class. She needs a distraction from her situation that the Flash was willing to give her.

“Can i look at the case again? Something doesnt add up... there! See? Its close to the Speedsters that leave marks at those angles but only if they really mess with the speed force and the spacetime continuum! But theres no evidence of that, its a lightning meta, Possibly using it to teleport since no one came in or out on camera. Its a slight angle and all but...”

Flash decides Marinette will join the Justice League one day or so help him! He also decides to target france’s anti-meta policies and possibly kidnap Marinette.

The League isnt letting him. But he has a fan of Barry Allen who is handling Gotham’s criminals and beign given slack by them... albeit also raised by in-part. But the girl has a strong moral compass that is a lot like most of League’s so.

He’s fighting Bats for custody on principle. His fangirl, he has dibs!

Dont know why it ended up with Flash becoming a ‘Marinette is my daughter now’ person but why not? Wally would like her as a sister, probably.

Marinette blames all of this and the future consequences on Tim. She hates her vanishing freind for this.

[fandom-collective-writers]

Reader x Jihyun Kim {MysMes} - Letters to Heal a Broken Heart

Title: Letters to Heal a Broken Heart Fandom: Mystic Messenger Character: Jihyun Kim Genre: bittersweet? romance Warnings: spoilers for his good ending!  Intended Gender Audience: Neutral Audience  Word Count: 2040 words POV: second person Other comments: no smut but im proud of this! please note that everything with the push back is a letter! i think its pretty clear, but i wanted to make sure it’s understood <3 Written by: @mythiica​ Req: 

Dear –

I’ll admit, it feels a bit strange writing a letter for you, but my therapist recommended it. He told me to explain my emotions with words, saying it would help me become more confident. 

See, the reasoning behind it, at least from what I remember, is that there is no pressure to think quickly. Writing allows a flow, a sense of movement between the words before you pick which one you wish to use. Talking is different because it follows a completely contrasting rhythm. To keep a conversation going, you have to speak rather quickly so the person stays engaged in the topic. 

It’s all really interesting, and my therapist has given me a book over the fundamentals of other practices like this. I read half of it on the plane to Japan. 

To clarify, I’m writing this from my hotel room in Tokyo. I landed a few hours ago and the jet lag has yet to hit me, so I decided to take advantage of this time to write. 

I think you’d like it here – the sakura are in full bloom and I have three days dedicated to photographing the sea of pinks as they ripple in the wind. Until now, I’ve only seen pictures of the famous parks, and I never thought that I would be able to witness them in person. 

I didn’t think I’d

I never conside

Ah, I should mention, I’m not allowed to erase or cross out sentences I start. Another confidence booster? It’s a bit sillier, but it’s meant to force me to say what is on my mind, rather than letting it fester. I’ll try again: 

During my years under Mint Eye, my vision was narrowed, and I had only one duty. However, I am learning to broaden my horizons and expand my mind to encompass everything. The urge to explore bubbles in my chest, waiting for the moment to come out. There are so many chances to do anything, and I’ve got all the time to do all of it. 

I’ve also realized that I went over my word limit. I have to stick to 300 words or under. Confidence booster #3! Express yourself with less words. Take a guess of how many times I’ve opened the thesaurus, looking for better synonyms for words? At least seven times in the past five minutes. It’s crazy! 

For now, I’ll sign this off and try better next time. 

                                                 よりご多幸を祈って

                                                           Jihyun Kim

PS, I’m practicing my Japanese! That says best wishes… I think. 

नमस्कार

Hello and greetings from India! I took a long nap on the plane, and forgot to write. Although I’m only passing through, I ate some delicious food (that I should really try to replicate for you). India is absolutely beautiful – from the sunrises to the bustling markets to the colorful fabrics hung at every corner. I’ll inhale the air and smell six things at once, albeit, not all of them are the best, but I embrace it nonetheless. 

More about what I’ve been doing: funnily enough, my phone died on the bus ride, but I made a new friend named Sunmi, and she was kind enough to lend me her charging cable. Instead of ending the interaction there, we spoke for a few hours at least. I learned she was traveling with her friends on a photography excursion. She gave me all the information, and I’d like to look into it when I have wifi again. 

You wouldn’t believe what they’ve seen! Last year they went to Antarctica through South America. She got to pet a penguin! Apparently the company also takes people to Greenland and New Zealand – some places I’ve been dreaming of visiting since I was a young boy. 

I’ll use my last 100 words to mention that… I’ve gotten a bit homesick. I miss the RFA – well, the people from the RFA minus… 

Don’t tell Jumin about the company though, he’ll insist on flying me around with his private jet. I want to experience for myself. Saeyoung is somehow messaging me when I don’t have service? I don’t… understand. Anyways, I also saw Zen landed a huge international role (someone had a magazine on the plane). Otherwise, I hope Jaehee and Yoosung are well. And Elizabeth the 3rd of course. Send them my wishes. 

I didn’t forget about you though! The keychain you gave me reminds me of home every day. It might have lost an eye, but I found a button and stitched it on. And I also wanted to ask you–

Ah, I’m over again. 

Next time. 

                                                           Jihyun Kim

Iyi günler! I am in Turkey now and actually writing this on a boat. The sun is setting over the horizon, making the sky change colors with every passing minute. It’s breathtaking, but I wish you were here with me. The other passengers and I take turns standing at the front of the boat, and I sometimes linger, trying to take pictures. 

Good news! My vision is getting better. I’ve been taking some Greek herbal remedies, and the seem to be helping. Either that, or they have a wonderful placebo effect. Has that ever happened to you? To think something is working, but you’re just imagining things? 

I apologize, maybe that stirred bad memories for you. 

Back to Turkey: I stepped out of my comfort zone and spent a night camping. Honestly? I was terrified of doing so, but now I want to do it every night. It is the perfect temperature for hiking, even though I am a bit sunburned. 

So many people have been commenting on my hair. Good things mostly, and I started styling it with a bit of gel to keep it out of my eyes. It feels good to look people directly rather than through a curtain. 

What are you up to? Hosting anymore parties? I imagine that you are keeping busy, as always of course. My therapist said it would be best to wait messaging you until I return home. I nearly called you a week ago, but I didn’t want to break my vow. It’s like lying to myself, and I know better than that now. 

Still, it doesn’t stop me from dreaming. 

                                                           Sending love, 

                                                                     J

I’m genuinely angry, but writing to you always calms me. Someone stole my bag – I luckily didn’t have much in it, but your keychain… can you make me a new one please? Now that I don’t have it, it’s almost like I’ve lost a part of you. It hurts a lot, but then I wonder if I am being silly. It’s just a keychain. 

Otherwise, France is nice. I didn’t want to go to Paris, so instead I traveled through the countryside to visit a few wineries. 

Yes, I did… drink a bit, but I wasn’t impaired when my bag was stolen! 

You would laugh at me if I told you what happened, so I will save the story for another time. Before coming to France, I went through Germany and visited some of the most beautiful castles I’ve ever seen. They all looked like they could be straight from a fantasy movie set, and I was convinced one – Neuschwanstein Castle – actually was. 

I’ve barely written anything despite so much happening. 

I got a haircut (finally), because it was becoming a hassle to tie it back at night. 

One evening, I fed some stray cats and they followed me home. 

And a drunk (?) tried to play cards with me. But he didn’t have cards. He was dealing an imaginary deck. 

Other stories will have to wait until I see you again, and I feel better now. It’s okay to be upset, but it won’t hinder my trip any more. 

                                                           Je t'aime, 

                                                                     Jihyun

Alaska doesn’t have a night. 

That’s not exactly true, but it’s basically true. The hotel has special curtains that block the light, and it is only dark for a few hours. 

It has been many miles since I last wrote, but I was caught up in visiting show after event after party after exhibit through America. Their art has given me a new perspective on point of view and emotions, so I hope that the ten camera chips I’ve filled with photographs will be able to convey the same sense of awe. 

I’ve also been mistaken for an idol? Like – multiple times. Interesting to say the least, maybe I’ll say yes to the next person that asks. What should my stage name be? I’ll spare you the embarrassment and not share my ideas. They are all very silly and no one would believe me if I told them my name was Cam Ra. Do you get it? It’s bad, I know. 

I’ll be returning home soon, unless I get distracted or impulsive and go down to California and Hawaii before coming back. I want to – it doesn’t feel right to return just yet. But that doesn’t mean anything about you! 

Really, I think about you and everyone else each day. 

Have you met new people? We’ll exchange so many stories… 

                                                           See you soon, 

                                                                     J K 

You pace around, waiting for the last guest on the list to appear. The party started an hour ago, but he still has not arrived. Then again, it has been three months since anyone heard a whisper from V, and you start to lose hope. Swallowing hard, you remind yourself that V is having a wonderful time exploring the world and finding himself. 

          Taking a handful of your dress, you turn and head through the doors to the main room. Jumin tries to pull Saeyoung away from Longcat, Yoosung explains his most recent surgeries to a group of nurses from his work place, and Jaehee receives many compliments for her majestic cake. 

         Everyone is happy and has moved on. 

         You hope V has too. 

         Maybe all the wishing and praying finally paid off, because you hear his familiar voice calling out behind you. It’s a long shot, but you turn around nonetheless, thinking it is a different guest. 

         Instead, you see Jihyun, wearing the most dazzling smile you’ve ever seen, running towards you. He’s carrying a folder filled with papers, but that doesn’t stop him from embracing you. He smells rugged, like his voyage has transformed him, but you rather like it. 

         “Jihyun!” You melt against his hug. “You’re.. Here… you’re here!” 

         Your squealing draws everyone’s attention, but he focuses on you and only you. “Of course I’m here. I missed you more than I can verbalize.” 

         His stance is open, welcoming, and confident, much different from two years ago. He is a different person now, brave and proud. Jihyun offers you the folder. It is strange to gift something in the middle of a party, but you accept it anyways, happy he has returned. 

         Jihyun’s heart races as he explains. “I wrote you letters every time I went somewhere new. These are just a few of them, really I have so many. But each shows something I’ve learned.” He takes a breath and laces his fingers with yours. “This is sudden, and I’m sure you will need time to think about it, but I’m trying something new: asking without being afraid. Over the past two years, I’ve… longed for you. Art has shown me the power of friendship, joy, perseverance, and most importantly, dedication. I want to dedicate my art to you, if you’ll stand by my side.” 

         You can’t find the words to express yourself because you are so awestruck. He truly has changed, but he has embraced himself and his life. Tears start to roll down your cheeks from the overwhelming surge of emotions. Jihyun brushes them away and presses his forehead to yours. 

         “I still have much to learn, but I want to do it all with you.” 

         “I’d like that a lot, Jihyun,” you whisper, captivated by his intense gaze. 

         “And I can finally say this without fear–” 

         You tip your head up, and Jihyun kisses you the next moment. His lips are chapped and the warmth radiating from his skin envelops you. He doesn’t need words to communicate it, because you understand perfectly what he is trying to say. 

[sadwsocc]

Hanahaki [Akaashi Keiji]

word count: 1,915 words

Warning(S): Bad writing and angst

authors note: I speed wrote it at midnight to try to get rid of my writers block,,,, idk how it turned out. i’m too scared to read it. midnight me was wild

‘It hurts’, the only thought filling your head as you stared off at your friend, Niyou, as she went on rambling to your deskmate.

Why would a random conversation between your classmates hurt you so much? It was odd, you always thought to yourself. You never believed in the ideals or the very thought of love but just staring off at their idle talk makes your chest hurt and your mind burned with jealously.

It took your stubborn self a solid month to accept the fact that you liked him, your desk mate, Akaashi. You were in denial to say the least, you didn’t want these feelings bubbling up inside you, it hurts. Everytime he looked at you, the little smiles he’d give you, his gorgeous greenish eyes that you couldn’t seem to look away from, it felt like heaven, you really really liked it, you liked him.

The many months the two of you had known each other was enough to make your heart go wild and thank the gods you had met him but why? Why were you so stubborn that you wouldn’t, couldnt come to terms with it. You liked him but you just couldn’t bring yourself to accept it.

He was amazing, he truly was. You transferred to Fukurodani High School a few months into your second year, not having a single clue who anyone was, you heard it was a powerhouse school for the volleyball team but that was all. You didn’t know anyone there and the only reason you transferred was because of your parents shift of work. You weren’t too bummed about moving and transferring, if anything you accepted it like it was just any other small matter. Sure, you were sad you had to leave your long term friends but you would still keep in touch. After all, it wasn’t like you were going to die or anything.

You were truly scared the first day there, everyone was a stranger and getting lost on your first day was really one of the worst things that could happen in your books. Standing near the school gates, you looked around the students there, the students you would be seeing for your next two years, most of them seemed happy, with friends around them, some couples walking about. It was truly a peaceful and happy sight. You forgot everything about the fact that you didn’t know anyone there or your class. You were snapped out of your trance when a tall, rather buff looking student tapped your shoulder. The male had spiky white hair with black roots and next to him was a tall, black messy haired, really, really handsome guy.

“Hey hey heyyyy!!!! You’re a new student right? Are you a second year?” He asked. You stared at the male then to his friend who was looking at him with much annoyance. Your eyes reverted back to the guy who had questioned you and answered, “y-yeah...”.

His eyes sparkled and turned around to his messy haired friend, “aKAASHI, IS THIS THE STUDENT THAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?”

“I don’t know, Bokuto-san. Why don’t you ask her?” The messy haired boy replied.

You took note that the messy haired boy was called ‘Akaashi’ and he would probably be your classmate. The rather owlish dude was noted as ‘Bokuto’.

You decided to interrupt by asking them where your class was, this resulted in Bokuto screaming out “SHE IS THE STUDENT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT” and a firm nod from Akaashi.

Your question was answered by Bokuto when he said “Akaashi will be your guide then, I’m heading to class now!” Firmly patting his friends back, he walked off to where you assume his class would be. He seemed rather suspicious to you yet you just couldn’t point your finger at it.

It was from your first encounter with Akaashi that the two of your friendship started to blossom, slowly. Thanks to a certain third year. You soon began to make friends of your own, mostly acquaintances but it still counted.

Niyou was the one who stood out most in all the times you’ve spoke to people in your class. She seemed a lot like the Bokuto guy you’ve met once, loud, optimistic, out going. Something you couldn’t relate to. But they said opposites attract and somehow you ended up becoming her closest friend.

While on the other hand, you and Akaashi were still friends, rather close ones if you could say so yourself. Often times, he would complain about how much of an annoyance Bokuto is and things like the volleyball team and such. You always listened intently whenever he spoke, his calm voice and demeanour, the very his eyebrows would scrunch whenever the topic of Bokutos everlasting antics and the way he would smile whenever your little comments seemed to enlighten him. You fell for him and you fell hard.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to confess to him, it was because you knew that Niyou liked him too. She told you early on that she liked Akaashi and was rather jealous of how close the two of you were. She would often interrogate you if you ever had feelings for him to which you denied, you knew it would break her and you knew that you might ruin your once in a lifetime friendship with her, or confessing to Akaashi and then being rejected. You didn’t want to ruin the perfect relationship you had with the both of them, you couldn’t. You wouldn’t know how to act if either one starts drifting from you.

You agreed to Niyou one day that you would try to stay off Akaashi for awhile so that she could try to get closer with him, she didn’t know your little bubbling feelings for Akaashi, it would ruin your friendship so you never told a single soul.

Every damn minute of seeing them together and how much Akaashi seemed to enjoy her presence made your heart churn and your chest hurt. It felt like thumb tacks pining every crevice of your chest, breathing would hurt sometimes, coughing felt like you were trying to push out needles.

Blood started appearing two weeks into your chest pains, you knew why, you didn’t want to accept the fact though. You spoke lesser and lesser to your two friends, often times telling them you didn’t feel well and that you were tired but in actuality you were hurting, so much. Every glance you send them seemed to make your eyes water and your face hot from jealousy. You felt angry, not to Niyou, not to Akaashi, but to yourself for feeling like that, for being so pathetic, for liking someone you knew you could never be with.

You were too afraid to tell anyone, you found it hilarious sometimes, it was so cliche of you to like your friends crush. It almost made you forget the fact that bloodied petals would appear every now and then. What would your parents think? You? Lovesick? It seemed impossible in their books, their obedient child who never once mentioned anything romantic. They didn’t even notice those nights where you would lay on the side of your bed, trash can next you, choking on your own sobs as the pain in your chest seemed to grow, blood spewing out everyone once in awhile.

It took you another week to accept that you had it, the Hanahaki disease. You felt like dying, that was because you were, slowly and painfully for that matter. All you had to do was confess, it was so easy in your head but the thought of the mess that would happen afterward, you couldn’t bare it. Surgery was also an option but how can you do it in secrecy? What would you do if you stopped feeling anything all together? You didn’t want that, anything but that.

A stalk of rose appeared one morning, the pricks edging your throats as you pulled it out, it was an unpleasant sight to say the least. Tears welled up, you couldn’t bare it, your end was near and no one knew. You took a good look at the bloodied rose after you coughed out the extra blood. It was beautiful in a messed up way, a rose with blood on it. A hilarious concept to be honest. You smiled at it, god the things love does to someone. After that, you threw it away, there wasn’t a need for a beautiful rose for you, you didn’t deserve it.

You decided you’d write a letter to your parents, your friends too, you supposed. You knew death was near, might as well write a farewell letter. It was short and simple, a little thank yous to everyone and how happy you were because of them, nothing too deep. An apology was next, telling them how sorry you were for not being able to bring yourself to tell them and how much of a hassle you made. Perhaps you were a coward, choosing death than facing your problems but it was too late.

It was any other day in school except the fact that Niyou was absent, she had texted you that she was sick and wouldn’t be going to school the day before. A worried Akaashi asked you, of course he did. You smiled and told him she was nearly sick. The look of relief made your heart squeeze, it hurt to even look at him but you still mustered up a smile.

He then proceeds to talk about how Niyou was making him worry and how much he felt for her, he was honest with his feelings. He liked Niyou and he was going to confess to her one of these days, he told you that. You were happy for him, for her too. It felt wrong that you had such thoughts about Akaashi, so you forced yourself to never tell a soul about these unrequited feelings.

“(Y/n)-san, Im going to confess to her,” Akaashi said with a soft smile playing on his lips, you grinned.

“You two are meant to be!” You mustered up, the words felt so wrong, it felt like venom. Each word felt opposing to you, you hated it. Your chest hurt, you started coughing, tears forcing themselves out of your eyes, rolling down your cheeks. It was so sudden, Akaashi was taken aback.

“(Y/n)-san, are you alright. (Y/n)-san!” By then you were unresponsive, lightheaded, numb from the pain.

You fell onto the floor as you continued your coughing fit, more and more blood coming out each cough you let out, you throat felt like they were being scratched by barb wires, you couldn’t stand it. The pain stopped and a single red rose came out, you knew you wouldn’t have any other roses anytime soon, it was over.

The now kneeling Akaashi that was next to you looked at you with bewilderment and concern, fear too. He was sorrowful, filled with regret and confusion. You looked up at him and gave him a small smile as he held onto your tear stained cheeks.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell anyone.”

There was a moment of silence before you continued, by then Akaashi was sobbing, he’d finally put two and two together. You liked him, but he was so oblivious to it.

“Akaashi, I-“ and you never got to finish what you always wanted to say.

[hellbabyfromhell]

why (if you don’t mind me asking) is your house taking such a large toll on your mental health? Im sure you’ve explained it already but... I’m out of the loop

i havent explained it, and tbh i didnt explain it to my friends fr a long time because i felt guilty AND embarrassed even though i should have just been madif you happen to know these people irl, i respectfully ask you dont share this with them. i need to speak to them at my own time in my own way. its long

basically my (then gf, now ex’s) fmaily “took me in” right after my dad traumatically died right in front of me and ruined my brain. i was all fucked up and they “took me in”. i felt very safe with them. but the way it ended up was with them  bleeding me dry with money because ive been  paying my ex’s rent since my dad died, and if you know me you know thats a long, long time. now, i felt that i owed it to them because they took care of me when my dad died, and that kept me from changing things despite everyone’s warnings, saying they were using and taking advantage of me. but they called me their daughter, they cared about me, i thought. but it really went downhill abruptly......it started with small disrespects. first off, i’m paying half the rent of this townhome for an uninsulated attic with no central air or heat on the third floor. it is alternatingly freezing and fucking makes-you-nauseous hot. this family tried to convince me that i had vents and they were just covered by my trash lol and thats why my attic is worth [REDACTED] (its too much). when i literally showed them the floor plans and there was no vent they basically just went Oh.

Then, they changed my name on the neflix account to my ex’s mom’s mom’s name, because there were too many people on the netflix to make a new profile, so they changed MY name, rather than rowan’s boyfriend or their random ass friend, ME, who pays HALF THE RENT AT THIS HOUSE. that seems petty but its like, im really the least important out of everyone?then came the thing that made me really start reviewing my situation:my ex asked to come over, and they said yes. THEY said yes. not me. this was like maybe a week or two max after we broke up. ex’s mom texted me to say “okay, he’s coming over” and i was like “:0( okay thats fine but i wish you’d told me before cementing down stuff because thats a little inconsiderate” and she was like “Well it would have been inconsiderate of me not to tell you at all.” I thought that was really disrespectful bcause like, they REALLY didnt know our situation at all, and i live on the third floor so if i needed something from the kitchen or something id have to walk past my ex because my ex and my ex’s mom wanted to be fucking friends. it was weird and rude and she would NOT budge on the idea of INVITING MY EX INTO MY HOME WITHOUT CONFIRMING WITH ME being rude!!!!!and then i started looking back, and likethis is one of the worst things, like a couple months after my dad died, i was like catatonic, barely present, sick with grief and majorly traumatized. and these people had me sel my father’s car, with everything in it, so that my ex could get a new car “to drive me around safer : )”...... now i have to BEG to get a ride down the street to baskin robbins unless someone themself needs something. i gave up my father’s car and everything inside of it for this, and they let me. at the time it hurt too much to look at but i wish with everything i could have what i left in that car. i will never forgive them for that. i have so  little of him and some of out favorite things were in that car and i know they knew that.ive mentioned moving out a couple times and they always say “well give 2 months notice!” done. i have. but they kept saying i needed to stay longer or convincing me it was bad to leave until the ex’s mom’s bf needed surgery and then now i cant leave till after january. i wasnt happy about this at all but i was like Okay well i guessbut then the other night, the ex’s mom’s bf (who has his own medical card) had the audacity to get mad at me for not wanting to get him a bunch vape carts from the dispensary i JUST got hired at even though id just bought a lot, AND HE WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE SMOKING!!!. he asked me a favor and i said i was uncomfy with it and he went fucking off on me. 

this is a little snippet. i know you dont know everything just from what im telling you, but what i can say i have done a TON for this family, and this is NOT the only thing he has asked me for, and i don’t know if the doctor prescribed him crack rock because all he does is sit in the living room and watch kill la kill. i was so disappointed in him because i thought he was least complicit and it turns out he hd some issue with me. i’ve done a lot for this family. it was really hurtful.since this i never leave my room, they rarely address me if i do or look right through me. the ex’s mom’s bf asked to speak once in a way that implied that he expected a sorry from me too. you ma believe this to be once sided, but i believe with my whole heart i have done not a thing wrong. i don’t want to apologize. it’s been about 5 weeks now i feel like and they have barely spoken to me. they laugh wildly downstairs and don’t feel even a bit bad that i never come downstairs. that i have to rush around to get packages. that i never use the kitchen or am anywhere near it (not that id want to be because its always stacked high with dirty dishes). my ex’s mom lost her job staying home too much from an illness that shouldnt affect her working since she works a desk job an all she does at home is sit on the couch, do nails, ply overwatch, watch safiya nyagaard and hang out with their friends. i never go downstairs because i feel like its not my home. also my ex’s mom’s bf walks around all hours of the night now so i never feel safe to go downstairs EVER so i ration water and food and when i go to te bathroom people jiggle the doorknob and i say IM IN HERE :0( and also my ex’s mom’s bf walks around puking with the door open  and blowing his nose (he did this pre surgery too) and i just am going crazy here i have to get out. they dont give a shit about me . i dont know if i sound entitled, but it really does suck but i feel so trapped. this isnt my house. OH , and when i sked about moving out ex’s mom said well if we all paid the same amoun it’d be [200 less] .  theyre using me and dont care and i hate being here and it’s making me really want to die. thank you, it kinda felt good to let that out

[dont-rainonme]

role model

[bucky barnes x reader]

[warnings] - mostly wholesome, with a pinch of angst and very brief mentionings of car crashes and injections but nothing graphic

[summary] - you, bucky and the avengers visit hospitals to surprise the children there for a charitable cause. bucky hesitates to go, because of his metal arm and the past, until he realises how much he means to the children there.

[A/N] - ive never written a bucky fanfic in my life, so please be gentle lol im trying. uhhh I google translated the tiniest bit of russian so if it’s wrong, please correct me. but i had this idea and thought that maybe it would be a good story. as always, italics mean it’s a flashback or a past memory. :))

seeing the avengers, a group consisting of heavily skilled assassins, enhanced individuals and super soldiers, interacting so softly and gently around the children made your heart practically melt with joy. there was peter, who was technically a child and obviously bonded with the children with ease.

and to think these people could snap your neck if they wanted to.

today was the day that tony‘s charity programme was finally coming together, with the team visiting the first hospital in the many to come. in the past few years, the avengers have been gaining coverage over magazines, newspapers and even the news, which, naturally, made them very popular, especially amongst children.

you remember that time as clearly as the sky was that day, when you surprised bucky with a funko pop figure of him. you remember the silence that fell over the two of you, as you stared at him anxiously awaiting his reaction. you remember how his head lifted slowly, his long, brown locks brushed out of his face to reveal the face you loved smothering with kisses. you remember the look he gave you, almost silently asking, this is for me? before giving an encouraging nod. for a minute, you thought you’d upset him, because of how unresponsive he was, until he suddenly stood up and engulfed you in a crushing hug.

to be fair, it was a very comfortable hug.

moving on, you were the only person, apart from steve and sam, that bucky would ever open up to, and you were proud to say that you were the one who could reduce him into a love-struck, flustered mess; a feat that not even steve nor sam could accomplish. although, you did appreciate their attempts, specifically sam’s.

you grin to yourself, your mind wandering to the time you walked into your room in the compound, only to find sam laying on your bed with möljnir on his chest and bucky casually sharpening his knives.

“how you doin’?” you heard sam say nonchalantly, as if he didn’t have an ancient hammer on his chest, hindering his every move.

“what the hell happened?” you yelped, dropping your bag down, “all i did was go out and get some food.”

“sam tried braiding my hair like you do,” bucky said, a flicker of a smirk playing on his lips, “but i only let you touch my hair and he kept annoying me, so i got thor to put his hammer on him.”

“why can’t i give you pet names?” sam chided in.

“because you’re not (y/n).”

“so what? ive been here for an hour and a half,” sam groaned under the weight of the hammer.

“it’s been six minutes,” bucky said blankly.

“shut up.”

you couldn’t wait to see him with the children.

you felt like you could smile forever, watching nat pretend to fall over when a little girl, with tubes and drips inside her, pretended to punch her, or when steve and sam cheered with pride when the boy, who was recovering from his many surgeries, slid cap’s shield onto his arm. and you knew that whilst it made the children’s day, it made the team’s day as well.

and then you spotted him.

your boyfriend.

bucky.

he was in the corridor outside of the room, away from everyone else, with a hat tilted so that it covered his face. you had managed to pursuade him to wear a sleeveless jacket, with the intention to help him grow more confident with his metal arm in public, but he had his left arm stuffed inside the pocket of the jacket, the other hand flicking at his nails. you sighed, smile faltering only a little, as you apologised to the girl you were talking to, and made your way towards him.

“what are you doing? why aren’t you with the others?” you asked softly, gently lifting his head and tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear. almost immediately after, he shook his head, and the piece of hair went back to its original spot, in front of his face. you shot him a stern look.

“bucky.”

no response. you closed your eyes and exhaled out quietly. you learnt a long time ago that you had to be patient with him.

“bucky, please, talk to me.”

you stood in silence, both of your heads down, and after a long pause, he spoke.

“i don’t deserve to be here.”

“bucky-“

“i don’t deserve to be treated as a hero.”

your head shot up immediately, lips parted to speak, but he dismissed you, his hand held up to silence you.

“don’t start with how i’ve changed,” bucky said dully. he paused before he buried his face in his hands, “Блядь-“

“language. there are children here.”

“…i can’t even get a control over my own mind yet. anytime i hear something that barely even resembles the trigger words, i suddenly feel an urge to do something… evil. its like a part of myself is disappearing bit by bit. and i’m scared that if i don’t learn how to control myself, then one day, ill lose every piece of me and ill end up hurting all of you.”

his voice cracks near the end of his sentence, eyes widening at the sound. the two of you are completely still, with you frozen in complete shock. he had never been this vulnerable and open even with you, often keeping his feelings to himself, but today must’ve been his breaking point. he hastily wiped his eyes, swallowing harshly and turning his head away from you.

that still didn’t hide the tears.

“why do you love me?”

“bucky, I swear to god, listen to me right now,” you gently, but firmly push his arms down so you could finally see his face, damp from the fresh tears, “i know this is difficult, but i know that you can do it. what you did wasn’t you. you were controlled. that isn’t the bucky i know. the bucky I know is smart, he’s strong and protective and caring and he’s occasionally an idiot-“ you both smile a little at that, “-but he’s my idiot and he’s also a hero, which is how the children here see you as. what you did in the past does not define who you truly are. you’re not going to lose yourself, because me and the others are here for you, and i want you to know that you’re safe. that you’re not with HYDRA anymore, that you’re with us, you’re part of the avengers, so you have every single fucking right to go into that room and make those children happy. because they see you as one of us, a cool-ass avenger, and they see you as a hero. okay?”

you were being honest when you surprised even yourself with that little rant, but it was worth it to see the smallest hint of a smile form on your boyfriends lips. you had to tip-toe to kiss him lightly on the lips (an attribute that bucky had brought up before and ended with him being tackled to the ground by you), as you both laugh a little, and bucky cups your face with his metal hand, murmuring quietly to you.

“what was that about our language?” he asked, looking down at you smugly.

“…shut up.”

his tough demeanour breaks instantly. he sighs contently.

“what did i do to deserve you?”

“everything,” you reply in a heartbeat, “you deserve every part of me.”

with his hand still on your chin, you both lean forward to kiss, eyes fluttering shut as you do so. your lips brush softly against each other, when you both feel a tug on bucky’s jacket.

stunned, you both look down to see a little boy, fiddling timidly with his fingers. you and bucky’s eyes graze lower down to his height to see that he has a prosthetic arm.

“go on,” the nurse says reassuringly, “ask him.”

bucky immediately looks to you, panic flaring in his eyes, but you give him a look that quickly calms him down. although your intimate moment was ruined, it opened up an opportunity for him. he hesitated a little before squatting down so he was the same height as the boy, who looked behind him to the nurse; she eagerly nodded her head.

“c-can I touch your arm?” he asks shyly, pointing to bucky’s left, “it’s really cool and my friend said it’s not real, so i wanted to prove her wrong!”

you and bucky laugh, and he gives you a look that silently thanks you.

“go ahead, it’s real,” he says smiling, extending the arm out to the little boy, who’s giddy with excitement. his little fingers brush over the vibranium, eyes lighting up and face splitting into a wide grin.

“c-can you move it?” he asks in a hushed whisper, and bucky complies, flexing his fingers, as the boy watches the metal plates running up his arm move corresponding his actions.

“hannah!” the boy yells into the room, “i told you it’s real! look! i touched it! it moves and everything!”

he turns to bucky.

“can my friend touch it too?”

“sure thing.”

and before you both know it, he’s being dragged into the room by the boy, and you follow them, with the nurse by your side. by the time you arrive by the boy’s bedside, a small crowd of children, all with some sort of prosthetic limbs, surround bucky fascinated.

“this is my friend, bucky,” the boy says proudly, “and his arm is real and i know that because i touched it! we’re practically twins now.”

an excited gasp ripples through the small crowd and suddenly the children send him streams of questions.

“is that your girlfriend?” a boy asks, pointing suddenly to you. bucky grins.

“yep. she’s pretty great.”

“that’s all i get?” you teased, raising an eyebrow, “pretty great?”

“yes.”

“do you love her?”

“of course.”

“have you kissed?”

bucky pauses, but before he could say anything, the boy from earlier answers for him.

“yes they have! i caught them almost kissing when i went to ask if i could touch his arm!”

an echo of “ew!”s reverberate around the room, accompanied by the children laughing. you bury your face in your hands in amusement and embarssment, and you feel bucky rub your back sympathetically.

“does that mean you have cooties?”

“…yes?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

the two of you spend the next hour with the children, answering their questions and giving them small gifts like little action figures of yourselves. you melt at the sight of bucky - his face was the youngest and happiest you’ve ever seen him. there was no line of stress on his face, but instead a smile, and a glimmer of hope in his eyes. it’s obvious he likes the children. around them, he was as carefree as he could be, even going as far as letting them draw on his arm and putting magnets on it. your boyfriend is an actual child at heart. and you love him for that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“how did you lose your arm?” the boy from earlier, who you later learned was called freddie, asked bucky. the two of them were happily colouring away, as you watched in the background smiling. bucky paused, choosing his words carefully.

“i fell off a really tall bridge from a train…”

freddie gasped dramatically.

“and… i used my left arm to break my fall. it broke, but the doctors gave me a new metal arm. cool right?”

“yeah! that happened to me too,” freddie explained, using elaborate hand gestures as he told the story, “except i didn’t fall. i was in the car with my mum when some lorry crashed into us and suddenly there was fire everywhere! i woke up in a hospital and the doctor said that they had to get rid of my old arm because of some infection or something. i don’t know what it is, but i know it’s some complicated stuff.”

“so then what happened?” bucky asked, a flicker of sadness in his eyes, sighing as he went back to his colouring.

“the doctor was like don’t worry we have a cool new arm for you! just like yours!” he pointed to bucky’s arm and grinned, “but he said I had to have surgery so they could attach it to me. it was scary, but i promise i cried only a little bit, even when they gave me an injection! i promise! you believe me right?”

“of course. you’re one of the bravest people I know.”

the little boy beamed brightly up at him.

“and then when I woke up, i had the cool new arm! the doctor said i can go home soon!”

“really?” bucky said, genuine joy on his face, “that’s great!”

“i know right? i wanna be like you when im older and beat up bad guys with my cool new arm.”

“you do?”

“yeah. you’re my favourite out of alllll the avengers. but don’t tell the falcon that, okay? because i told him the same thing so i didn’t hurt his feelings.”

“i won’t,” bucky laughed, as the two continued colouring. he grinned to himself.

he was going to give sam so much shit for that later.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

when you and him met up with the other avengers in the lobby when your time there was done, they all turned to look at the pair of you.

“what are those on your arm?” natasha asked, amused as he pointed to bucky.

“magnets.”

“oh my god,” sam said, “this should be good.”

he held bucky’s arm, twisting it to get a good look around it, admiring all the drawings of the avengers the children had done.

he paused.

“where am i?!” he whined, the team erupting into laughter, as he did a circled around the arm to fo a double take.

“don’t worry sam,” tony chuckled, as the doors of the hospital opened and they all exited, “we love you really.”

“yeah, yeah, you all totally show it,” he grumbled, his face cracking into a smile when tony shook his shoulder playfully.

you walked alongside bucky silently, your arm hooked around his, though it wasn’t uncomfortable. you were proud of him for today. you had never seen him smile so much before.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

that was a lie.

a week later, you found bucky in your room, smiling as he stared at something in his hand. when you asked him to show you, you felt your heart leap.

it was a picture of freddie, at home from the hospital, posing next to his little bucky action figure. and on the back was a little note from the boy.

“i‘m gonna be just like you!”

[tsuuyuri]

tw for suicide, death, eating disorders, fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, anxiety, depression, bullying, etc. just don’t read if you aren’t in a good place. 

i swear to god. 

any knetizen (because yes, this is a specifically a knet problem) that sits back after sulli’s death and acts like they didnt treat her like a piece of meat to buy and sell and eat and spit out and call too fat and too skinny and so selfish and so ugly and so “out of line” like she was some evil snake when she was always just a girl being herself, expressing herself, being different from the “traditional ideal korean woman”, struggling with mental illness and eating disorders in an industry that is stressful and unhealthy and cruel and with “fans” who are absolutely nobody in comparison to who she was that sit in their homes and talk trash about her body, her “attitude”, her sex life, and whatever else on the internet for fun. 

i am sick and tired of people making excuses for korean misogyny and toxic beauty standards because “oh it’s a different culture”, whatever! a culture that promotes sink or swim standards in its education system and requires everyone gets plastic surgery no matter what in order to be considered worth anything needs to fucking change! it’s killing people and it’s been killing people for a long time! south korea has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. koreans and honestly everyone need to wake up and stop acting like this is just “crazy celebrities” because it’s not. they’re just the ones we all hear about. you don’t hear about the teenager 5 blocks down who committed suicide last week after being bullied for being gay. you don’t hear about the student that committed suicide last month because they aren’t an academic person and their parents called them stupid and punished them for not having top grades. we don’t hear about them because they aren’t famous. but we need to look at these famous people who we think have everything that makes life worth living, commit suicide and understand how much that shit probably happens with just regular ole people. for every celebrity who kills themselves, there’s 10 more non-celebrities. 

every time someone innocent commits suicide, it’s murder. it’s murder by society. it’s murder by people who tear them apart until they can’t be sewn back together again and then wonder how it could happen. 

sulli was anorexic. being anorexic is so, so fucking painful and hard and awful and it’s so much deeper than just being “pretty”. sometimes it’s needing to feel like you have something in your life under control. sometimes it’s wanting to be smaller so maybe people can’t see you anymore because you were abused. sometimes it’s just wanting to die slowly. i went to an inpatient ward 3 times by the time i turned 18 and had tubes shoved down my nose and throat because i just couldn’t eat a thing without panicking and feeling guilty. the anxiety and depression after i got out each time was so crippling that i couldn’t leave my house. i can’t even imagine getting on stage and performing in that state like people criticized sulli for not doing. “oh she’s lazy, she’s selfish, she’s not taking it seriously, she’s just acting like a princess!” she’s a young girl who was having panic attacks, being told her body type isn’t right to be an idol, who was depressed, who wasn’t sleeping enough hours. she was sick. and you made her even more sick. who the hell would want to perform for people who don’t appreciate it? negative words outweigh positive ones. netizens know that. be honest with yourself. they thought it was fun to poke at someone. they felt good talking bad about someone. they thought it was “okay” because she’s a celebrity and apparently when you sign a contract in the kpop industry, your humanity dies and nobody has to think about how their words and actions make you feel anymore. 

women in kpop are attacked all the fucking time for doing normal things. 

i looked at pictures of sulli when she looked her healthiest and i thought she was beautiful. koreans called her flat, flabby, said she had cankles, thick legs, called her fucking sulliphant. i looked at pictures of sulli when she was so thin she should’ve been in a hospital like i had been and i was scared for her but her smile was still beautiful. koreans criticized her for “getting shots and liposuction, oh it’s not natural, the bruises aren’t pretty” or praised her for finally not being “ugly” and having a pretty bodyline, having skinny legs, and for finally discovering the “true wealth of a woman is her looks” and the worst part, some still called her sulliphant and fat and ugly when she was easily under 100 lbs. it’s just unfair. it’s so unfair and horrible and it happens every day, to every female idol, some less and some more, and it happens to every single woman and even men now in some places. 

and now, im sitting here sobbing, not just because i regret not being a bigger support when sulli needed that even though it’s not my fault i wasn’t as aware of kpop, but also because i know if i were a kpop idol while going through depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, paranoia, and anorexia nervosa... i would be dead. i would have been dead years ago. i would be just like sulli. bullied to death by her own mind and by people who think you are their doll to throw around. 

no one should have to “stay strong” through comments like that. not a celebrity, not anyone. no one. 

korean beauty standards need an overhaul. i have had enough. anorexic isn’t beautiful. it’s painful. it should not be a singer’s job to be nice to look at in a very particular and unnatural way that only 10% of people are born looking like. 

sulli having a boyfriend got koreans so fucking angry, calling her unprofessional, a cock-sucking whore, a slut, whatever other disgusting words you can think of, but men were just as quick to ogle her and take photos up her skirt for their own enjoyment because “oh well she’s an idol, that’s what she’s there for”. women were jealous of sulli for having access to handsome and rich men they wouldn’t because she’s an idol and they’re not, so they shamed her for it. men weren’t mad about sulli having a sex life, they were mad about sulli having a sex life that didn’t involve her fucking them, so they shamed her for it. sulli was just being a person. but being a person isn’t congruent with being an idol, for some reason. 

sulli spiraled into reckless behavior and they blamed her for that too when they drove her to it. 

“she’s a celebrity, it’s what she signed up for.” 

no. she didn’t. she signed up to sing, dance, and make people happy. she didn’t sign up for people to tear her apart. 

his case is significantly different, but it’s a part of an epidemic all the same, so i’ll mention him once and not again: jonghyun didn’t pass away just for south korea to learn nothing about ignoring and shaming mental illness and torment another already tortured idol into leaving too.  

this isn’t simple cause and effect, this is prolonged bullying and attacking someone, beating them again and again until they can’t stand up again. this isn’t an isolated issue. it’s years of criticizing, terrorizing, dehumanizing, ignoring, and taking for granted, that leads to one very horrible, very permanent, very quick outcome. 

so yeah. any knet who says “rest in peace sulli” needs to rethink if they really deserve to be saying that. if you ever called this poor girl names, criticized her body as not “aesthetically pleasing”, shamed her for being in a relationship and having sex as a grown woman, sexualized her regularly, exploited her, and/or contributed at all to her feeling this horrifically bad about herself to the point she felt alienated from everyone and like she couldn’t continue living... you don’t get to grieve. you get to feel guilty. you get to feel horrible about what you said and did to this woman who was only human, and who was ostracized for being herself and for appearing strong until she couldn’t anymore. 

sulli, you are not a bad person. you are an angel now and forever. i wish we had done better for you. rest in peace, sweet girl, and know i will always think of you. you will never be just a memory. you are alive through those who truly love you and know you. 

and if you or anyone you know is struggling with bullying, depression, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, etc., as always, please reach out and get the help you deserve. support is a phone call away. you never walk alone. even if it’s a complete stranger, there are people who want to help and who want you to live on. i want you to live on. i want us all to fight these demons and to work toward a better future. it is possible. we can and must do better. we can and must love ourselves and each other. 

be kind, take care, ask for help, give help. 

celebrity, non-celebrity, women, men, children, black, white, asian, latinx, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, non-binary, cishet, disabled, able-bodied, neuroatypical, neurotypical, etc. we are all human. 

[wandering-lounge]

health troubles (im ok!)

so, last week on thursday, i went into the hospital unexpectedly, I”ll kinda jsut vent about it below but TLDR: My appendix got me hecked up and I got it removed over Friday, and I’m absolutely fine right now. 

Just chillin, happy to be here, taking my time with things, And, just happy to be alive. and like. SUPER appreciative off everyone who follows me. and people who have been patient with me. 

So, On thursday, I woke up at the crack of 2AM with a pain in my stomach, it was large, and it was really uncomfortable. I spent my entire morning waking up and sleeping dry heaving into my toilet and sink. Until about 5:40 i was hating life, and i eventually got a bowl of cereal in me, and went to work. 

Before i had gone to work, I called my boss and left a voicemail at the office, and what i believed was their home phone. they didn't receive either of them. I told them, “I feel very bad right now, and i honestly dont want to work feeling like this. I’ve been throwing up since 2 am”. I told my boss the same thing to her face, and she said the thing she always says when its the busy time of year, “sorry we dont have any spare help, you HAVE to work today.” I did work anyways, but i figured it might just be some intestinal blockage or something minor. “it’ll go away,”, i thought.

As i drove my bus, i was about halfway through with it and i started feeling more and more nauseous. I threw up out of my window and my passengers freaked out a little.eventually i got back and talked witha  couple of other bus drivers, “what are you feeling?” they asked,

“well,” I said, “Ive been having this constant constipated like pain with nausea and what feels like a fever the entire morning.”

“that very much sounds like appendicitis. Have you had your appendix removed?”

“no” i shrugged, as i went back into the office to clock out.I then went to my boss and asked  if they could do something about getting someone to cover me for the afternoon, As well as mention what happened on route today, “sorry but we cant get anyone else, its just you, just go home and sleep”

I go home, I eat a rice cake, and sleep. I wake up about an hour later and throw up the food. and even some water that i drank with it. I feel even worse than this morning, I talk to my close friends on discord, and they tell me almost immediately, “GO TO THE HOSPITAL” I call my mom and dad to ask them what to do, as well as describe my morning. my mom JUST got off work and heads over to my place to do some personal checkups, and my dad is hours away from home and cant do a thing. they also tell me to call my doctor, i describe everything again.

“yeah, it very much sounds like appendicitis, but theres no way to know for sure unless you go to a hospital, but we do have a doctor appointment open in about an hour and a half.” 

I shrug off the appointment for now cause my mom was inbound. I just stare at my phone, “i know that i cant let them down but i’m REALLY nervous about this,” i talk to my friends and they helped me su up the will to talk to my boss one last time, 

I call her, she answers, and...”Boss, I cannot come in”

“what do you mean you cant come in?” 

“i dont feel comfortable coming into work this afternoon, I’m not going to risk this, i really dont feel good,”

“but i need you here, you need to come to work. Who’s going to pick up all of these passengers?”

“tell them were short staffed. its just how it is right now.”

“I cannot tell them that”

“im sorry but I cannot come in”

“fine, then stay home”

It felt awful. my boss was mad, and, well i honestly wasn't risking shit over this.

 And the moment we met up, I tell her aboutt he appointment, and we immediately go. my mom is almost speeding. I was more worried about her anxiety than my own well-being at that point. but eventually we made it to the meeting, My doctor told me the same thing as the nurse over the phone, “it is most likely appendicitis, if your appendix bursts, it could be very messy, very expensive, and... very potentially fatal if not treated soon enough, IF it bursts that is. so yes i highly reccomend the hospital. and so we went.

I get admitted, got my gown. got my room and bed, friend comes and visits, both my parents and half brother visit. its grand. all good and calm as i got prepped for the night and my cat scan. cause you cannot detect the appendix accurately enough on an Ultrasound (the more you know sound plays).

YEP its appendicitis. i sleep for the night. and got it removed the next day. they actually bumped up my surgery by about 3 hours or so cause i woke up in the morning with a 103 fever. (yikes) but they got me an ice bag and opened the door, 

That same day, I ate food, kept it down. felt SO, much better, and i walked out of the hospital. i was so happy to have that garbage out of me. apparently i was struggling with it. possibly for about a year. yeah... so yeah that happened.

also my boss fessed up a couple days later and said things are covered, told me not to worry about it, she felt very sorry about being a “heel”. and, I appreciate it. she told me if i need to i can take 2 weeks off, my doctor gave me a note for a week off.so. all well that ends well.

ok story time is over friends. thanks for reading.

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

My Trans Story

Story of my social and medical transition under the cut, I know its not trans day of visibility anymore but consider this a belated contribution. I hope it helps anyone who’s questioning, or even anyone whos curious about the experience. This is very long and has some mention of dysphoria, abuse, bullying but also has a happy ending so thats your warning:

The earliest I remember giving any indication of being trans was at five or six years old on my way to primary school with my mother (who I will mention was a fairly good mother at the time - this will be relevant later). I turned to her in my little green and white uniform dress and said “I’m a boy, aren’t I mum?” I’m not sure what prompted the question really curiosity maybe but my mother laughed it off - something I dont blame her for, kids say silly things all the time. I wouldn’t say I was a super boyish kid. Yeah I liked a bit of rough and tumble play, I was into pokemon cards, then yu-gi-oh, beyblades - which were all considered “boy” things when I was at school. I liked to play british bulldog and tag, and as I got older I’d get into Warhammer, Dungeons and Dragons, The elder scrolls and other nerdy things which are seen as more unisex now but again in the time were considered “boy” interests. But I liked having long blond hair, and I was curious about make-up. I liked to bake and sew and weave, and as a child I even enjoyed knitting. I cried easily and got hurt often - I was accused of attention seeking through most of my childhood though even looking at myself critically I can only ever remember wanting validation. When I was hurt, when I’d achieved something I was proud of - my motivations were called into question when I sought out help or interest. I remember being heartbroken when art I’d worked on was dismissed or I was told the bad bruise I’d gotten was nothing to be upset over and to stop seeking attention. It set me on a path of questioning everything I did and why I did it.

Unfortunately I have a lot of memory gaps in the lead up to high school and through much of school.

Fairly early on in school though I came out as bisexual. Honestly I think a part of me was threatened by cis guys masculinity and that drove me to women. I had a fairly even number of girlfriends and boyfriends. One relationship the boy I was with implied being ready to try sex and we ended up breaking up not long after when I distanced myself. I didn’t know how to explain the discomfort with my own body that I didnt even understand. How I didn’t want to be touched in certain places or do certain things. I felt like a freak.

It didn’t help that I was already bullied pretty much from the get go in highschool, from age 11 I did have many friends and there were periods where I had none. I was bullied for my hair, for not having friends, for being gay, for being depressed. Hell sometimes I was bullied for being bullied - high school is weird. 

I was also... “bullied” by a “friend” who would hit me, talk down to me, at times wouldn’t let me sit on furniture. Once she choked me to the point of passing out among other things. Somehow I was still convinced she must like me on some level - why else would she hang out with me? I wish I’d known better. She introduced me to the concept of being transgender but not in a way I identified with. She told me about a documentary of “Boy becoming girls and girls becoming boys.” she told me “The girls that become boys are always still pretty, you can tell they were girls. But the boys that become girls, you cant tell they were boys they just look like ugly girls.” I imagine shes less ignorant now but its stuck with me.

Eventually around age 16 Two trans people spoke at my school. They talked about how they always felt different, things they’d disliked about themselves - the relief of coming out. I understood completely but my brief excitement was dashed by their talking about harassment and fear. I wrote my email address on a slip of paper and ‘please help’ which I put in the box they were collecting at the back of the room for any questioning youth. They never emailed me. I made an appointment with my doctor.

I actually begged my doctor to fix me, and he referred me to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in Edinburgh. It took a full year to actually be seen there. I told some of my close friends about my concerns and confusion, and came out as genderfluid. I used a random R based male name to try and settle - knowing that as it was fandom related I’d change it later. When I spoke to the specialist at the GIC, I came out as a Trans Man, I felt validated. I came out to my family not long after and it was not well received. My cousin (who had spent every summer with us for as long as I could remember and I viewed like a sibling) died when I was 14. My godmother (his mother) died a year after. Within the ten years since my cousins death, he, my uncle on my mothers side, my great grandfather, my godmother, my gran and my grandad have all passed away. When I came out to my dad he begged me not to put more strain on our family. My mother turned to drink when I was only 14 and had worsened becoming more and more abusive as time went on. I’d had mental and physical health issues since the age of 8 and my experiences were being written off. My mother got worse, and I ended up being her full time carer for a few years. She was abusive, she hit me, she destroyed my things, she wrote on the walls and threatened me with knives. When a letter for my third GIC appointment came, (the appointment that would have gotten me hormones) I highly suspect it was my mother that destroyed it. I didn’t even know I’d been dropped from the list until six months later when I called to ask when my next appointment would be. I’d apparently missed it and for that reason they’d silently, without fuss, taken me off their active patients list. I was upset but handling my mother was enough strain for me not to fight my case for another few years. I went to attempt college for a second time in 2015 - nearly six years after I first came out, and four after my first GIC appointment. I called my best friend over to my house, and together we sighed 15 deedpolls changing my name and title legally. I contacted the clinic and got another appointment for that September. The doctor wanted longer - more appointments to get to know me, but after hearing I’d already had two with another doctor, had waited four years, had told the story I’ve told you now - she told me she wanted to get me on hormones for christmas. She rearranged her schedule and had me come in on december 9th, four days later I had my first doze of testosterone. I didn’t tell my father that I’d started hormones but I had told him prior that I was going to soon. My dad continued not to accept me, as did one of my tutors at college. I kept my head down and muscled through. I’d become so used to not passing that only 4 years later, when Im passing easily and consistently, its both a shock and yet somehow feels like its always been the case. I had top surgery on October 23rd 2017. To my surprise, my father came to the hospital. He’d said he wouldnt visit, but made the 4 hour drive anyway. Last summer, he started introducing my as his son to strangers. He started inviting me out for drinks with him and my brother. He treated me how I had always wanted. Sure he still drops the feminine endearments in - but I’m not going to fault him that. Everyone I meet assumes Im cis until I tell them otherwise. I was finally comfortable enough in 2017 to come out as gay, and I’m now engaged to my wonderful Fiance who is just beginning his own transition journey. My point? It gets better is a tired phrase that feels worn out by use. And no my life isn’t perfect but dysphoria and lack of love is definitely not the problem. Years ago I felt I’d never pass, I told people as much. I thought I was ugly, and unlovable. Now I like how I look, I Know i pass because people call me “sir” “Mr” ect. One of the tutors for the university I applied to was excited to “finally have a man in the class.” 

The journey is long, and at no point can you see the end of it. Eventually you just look back and see how far you’ve come. Stay strong. 

[bkanvas-fairy]

Could you tell us a little about your characters?

Y E S !

but due to me having at least over a thousand characters I’ll just give a quick summary of the 25 I manage to dig up over 3 sketchbooks.

Y’all can pick and choose which of them interest yall or who you wanna hear more about!

Also because I’m extra, I made sketch icons for the 25 characters, info under the cut

I’ll talk a bit more about my actual Original Characters first, starting with

Aiko! Otherwise known as Echo

- A marked individual in a steampunk world that gets mixed with magic, because I like both of those things

- Echo runs an underground lab that does helps the underground world with replacing body parts, illegal surgeries etc etc

- Even though she marked, which puts a bounty on her head already, she is well respected by the community for not cheating for your money, stealing your cash, or shanking/killing you mid-surgery

- however, Echo does long for adventure and sometimes do get bored in the lab

oh yeah,, Echo like stealing eyeballs, so if you’re low on cash and wouldn’t mind losing an eye, you know who to call!!

Bonus:

Here’s Echo’s boring, undeveloped sidekick!! I don’t like her and I don’t know how to make her better. Yes, she doesn’t have a name.

here’s my god playboy that left “heaven” due to having an early mid-life crisis, I call him God boi cause;

- He goes by many names! 

tbh, he’s probably the closest character I have to being genderfluid/-neutral? I’m not sure,,

- The god has many powers, from lightning to shapeshifting

- The shapeshifting part allows him to change every part of himself, allowing him to change depending on his situation.

- God boyo, or originally Aristide, is obsessed with the idea of perfection. A god should be perfect, if a god is out of line, he is no god. 

- Same goes for him, which means whenever something is wrong with him, it affects him, extremely

However, leaving the land of gods to live among humans aren’t all perks

- Aris isn’t immune to diseases or injuries. In fact, he actually fell down and died on impact when he came to earth, being reborn into another child immediately.

- He doesn’t gain his memories back automatically tho!! He has to have a major shock to the brain in order for him to remember his previous lives

- Sometimes the shock isn’t enough either, when you have a thousand over lives, you won’t remember every single one of them. So forgotten lovers coming back to haunt because your brain hates you? That’s everyday for him!

i just,, i like playing with the concepts of god,,

Up next we got Ayeka Himura! A japanese student going to a neighborhood, but still a pretty good, school living close to poverty due to her father’s constant spending habits and obsession with art supplies. With the household lacking a mother due to wacky shenanigans, Ayeka takes care of her two younger siblings and the house, all while maintaining a very well-paid job and slowly loosing interest in actually studying for a good, honest job.

also she likes birds!!

Yes her design is heavily “based” off Toga but I love her current design too much to change it, h e l p

So like,, I suck at chinese and I made ocs that exclusively spoke in chinese to help with that but I’m still stuck at 40~marks

I forgot his scar but remembered his earring i hate myself

my og chinese kiddo! he was was first to come and I love his design ever since

he radiates fuck you energy except the girl below. He’s neighbors with her and they acknowledge each other existence ever since. he has a dumb cliche crush on her and is a bit protective of her because nothing says having issues than latching onto someone that makes you happy

Only this girl got named!! even tho she was the second character.

Li Shen, yes she doesnt have a surname, is apparently main ho now, according to my old oc chart of my “main” ocs

She’s the group’s resident sweetheart and really does not want you to do stupid shit, stop doing stupid shit. She tutors my son up there ^^ even though he’s actually smart and just refuses to do his work properly. But she still deeply cares for him.

As well as the girl below shdifhd

the last girl of the ching chong trio and the reason I had to switch up my son’s design is this girly over here! Her design was too business-y and formal so I enrolled all of them into college. A rich girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her g a y thoughts. Tried sending Li Shen some flowers once. She didn’t realize attaching her name would be a good idea and son got a good laugh.

i like paranormal stuff so they apparently look into that shit in their spare time. They’re all actually really fun characters to do prompts with I swear!! send some in and I’ll write them

I had a previous concept for son and Li Shen before last girl came and if yall want me to talk about it,,, i found my sketchbook with the old ideas,,

NEXT UP IS MY OLD GIRL ELORA!!

Elora herself used to be a fan character but I pulled her out and wow\

cant fucking believe she used to be straight for Vylad

shes the outgoing, fun adventure type! bit of mommy issues here and there tho,, I don’t want to say too much since I have an entire for her +

her now upgraded bro, Vincent

i really like the name vincent,,

also now he has mommy issues

Ead, the knight who used to have armor

I hate drawing armor 

he also have issues

AND IRIS MY SWEET GIRL IM SO SORRY

she doesnt have that much issues tho

basically I made elora and her bro have mommy issues, I’m sorry in advance if that spoils anything

I, sometimes, post about these 4 over on @eloradiesismydocsname​ and its a gay ol’ time

not that gay tho because uhh,, medieval times,, but I need prompts for a modern au of them and I am happy to talk about their personalities and even go semi in-depth for any of them!!

here we have ghoster.png,, which is her file name cause I didn’t name her,,

A horror enthusiast + film student that goes to a supposedly haunted shack to film her upcoming project with the boys. wacky shenanigans occur and the boys left leaving ghoster here to starve and eventually fall to her death. But because it’s my oc i get to bring her back from the dead, now hungry as ever and will fucking eat you, its not a kink thing, shes just that hungry and angry

tax fraud.png

a robo girl that i created during social studies cause they were talking about taxes and i just went, “what if,, a robo runs on taxes,,, and like,, she haunts you down for not paying your taxes,,” thus she was born! I don’t know what to name her but she is set in the future so-

Time to go future-apocalypse style because I love that setting too and was upset that I didn’t have any ocs in that style. So I created Alex A. ! A cybrog filled with memories of the previous generations as a sad attempt to preserve human life.

He’s accompanied by his sister/cousin idr i didn’t draw an icon for her, didnt like her design. they go on a hunt for food and to return with nothing. She gets to meet this other dude who has a plant arm im pretty sure i based him off someone’s elses oc but i cant remember. The 3 are forgotten. Kinda want to bring them back tho.

Neon! A character set in the future utopia of lazy people, where gamers rise up. its the best I can describe her story without getting too deep. She the new hacker on the block, joining the underground gang of elite hackers. She’s another one of those wacky characters that just has fun. I mean, when you know your way around codes and the world you live in is full of it, would you not take advantage of that?

as for fan characters,, uhh,, i have em

STARTING WITH MY WIFE!

Alexzandra Zara oh my god i forgot to draw her necklace and shirt

anyways,, Alexzandra is one of the more older ocs I have that didnt get a big revamp. Only an au I develop to the point I forgot the actual shows and the original cast are a little different from the source haha what? She’s the emotionally unstable german war veteran, yes the wife thing isn’t mutual, and haha shes only 27~. I cling onto her so much?? She’s hits a lot of “edgy” points but I still love her cause idk,, the story I made for her is something I hold dear cause Alexzandra was one of my first ACTUALLY DEVELOPED CHARACTER. Is it wrong to say I hold her really close to my heart? Is that weird? probably a little cringy sorry haha. I probably project a little into her which might have strengthened my love for her ack. Her story delves more into the depression very unstable needs to talk to someone side and i get scared talking about my wife’s story online so uhh, idk ask me specific questions about her, I’ll be more inclined to talk.

Dr Watts! The spoiled ass dick that stole dst Wilson’s house and yes this is a dst oc, yes im slightly sorry.

He’s just fun?? almost ran a blog with him and a friend’s oc. He’s your typical uptight old science gramps that took advantage of the fact that no one knows his real name that he calls himself a doc. He’s not. I put everything about him up to a 9-10? He’s one of those wacky characters and I love him for it! His story is really wonky tho so might need help solidifying that part 

and from the angry old man to my sweet man that will adopt you even if you’re noisy or call him ginger. Pilot here is a TF2 OC I made to interact with other tf2 OCs cause some of them are fun and i wanna join in :((

He’s the Canadian stereotype, and yes, he adopted scout, that was one of my character notes. 

Like the actual cast of tf2, there’s barely any real story to him. I only gave him a vague I don’t know my past but hey, i fly really really well. He participated in war unlike certain men but he’s still really nice and will only kill you if you hurt his family. Which he doesn’t know so he just considers the cast his family. He keeps mentioning a wife though, pretty sure he doesn’t have one but you do what makes you happy son.

Ai! an oc I HEAVILY revamped oh my god i hate her old vers. So if yall remember my random shouting of missing my og son, Aru. Here’s his bff. cause he barely has any actual friends that give a shit. And I just cant have that. but here’s your yandere revamped into a last minute addition. I actually feel like I did Ai a lot of justice. I don’t want to delve too deep cause I will start making charts. I’ll do that in a separate post if yall are keen

Isamu Aena! a mp100 oc I made by accident cause idk,, I was thinking about lolita fashion and all of a sudden, the actual oc I was going to make turned into a mob psycho oc. She’s one of my few ocs where her sexuality matters (she’s gay yeah) cause it plays a role in her storyline. She went from being “manipulated”/used to Mob’s wingwomen. She spots out things that can help him in the romantic department cause she’s into romance. A student of the school Mob infiltrated and a fantastic tailor, not to mention a pretty decent pyschic. wait where do models get their lolita stuff from,,

im gonna ignore that and move onto Lillian Yi! Who, i swear i did not meant for it, is very close to lloyd. I mean,, none of the ninjas were with him after s3, who you think he’d meet. Lillian is a survivor from the Great Devourour and yes I’m still pissed LEGO stole my backstory for Lillian to use for Harumi. FUCK YOU LEGO, i still love both of em tho,, The event did leave a big scar and it made Lillian job jumping for a bit, ending at Chen’s Noodles in S6~, where ya know,, stuff got better. She was a medalist for gymnastics and continue the activity, even after her parents’ death, to please others. She was already lost at the time so staying in the sport would help, right? Needless to say, after being rejected at a cop academy for youths, or something similar, she gave up for a while but got back into the idea of saving people by using her skills she already had. It helped with the weight and feelings and meeting the green ninja was a very big bonus. Also Lloyd dubbed her the “mysterious stranger” when she refused to speak in fear of her identity, slight shame, and maybe a bit of being star struck. It helped Lloyd too in a sense where he had something to distract him from Zane’s passing.

 Their relationship was eventually formed, strong and almost unbreakable, except for harumi but uhh thats a different story. Throughout the seasons, they stayed close and lloyd was always comforted by Lillian went times get ruff.

Also Lillian is my most light-hearted characters and I think that says a lot

Then there’s Nite “I don’t want to be your dad”. A character that is supposed to be in the ninjago world but barely interacts with the main story and only stays in his self contained plot. He was supposed to get a bf but uhhh idk. He’s the master of shifting and streams that online, taking out small crimes, and is actually really shy and doesn’t like interacting with people.

also haha fortnite

Nora Akino, the sin of despair! its an ad thing, I think. She speaks only in a foreign language that only Odin understands and is either big gay for Ava or Maggi, she can’t pick. And yes she did drink the vial, when TITAN attacks your planet and you accidentally die, how else can you meet your family again? also my grandpa walked in and said she looks like royalty. cool-

she wouldn’t leave my hand for like,, 3 days or something

Petri, a fellow troublemaker at camp campbell’s music camp. She managed to pick the camp because apparently a parent who doesn’t acknowledge your hard work don’t read the fine print! Please let David adopt her,,

LASTLY! Yukimaru Atsuko, hero name; Gummie. She goes by Yuki and is a big dick. She’s a studious student but gets more thrills on the actual battlefield. Living with her uptight grandma and her big bottom energy bro, she has the dom energy thing going. and apparently folks on G+, or the people who comment about her, thinks she’s really pretty, which was oddly a thing back before UA. She’s the dick you can like, not like Bakugou but she will definitely want to fight Bakugou. 

A gum-related quirk is not full of perks when its only your hands. I’d dive more into her like her insecurities and stuff but I’ve been here for probably 3hrs. Sorry anon.

Also I’m so sorry to anyone who reads this all the way through.

[inawickedlittletown]

Walking The Wire (108/?)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

@findmeinthestarss

Masterpost

Chapter One Hundred Seven

They never found out what had been going on with Loki and Thor because nothing came of their appearance and then disappearance because aside from a blip somewhere in Ireland that wasn’t necessarily them, there was nothing and while Tony waited for the other shoe to drop and something crazy to happen somewhere else in the world, nothing did.

“So, do you think he was just popping in for a visit and didn’t even think to stop by here?” Rhodey asked during a team meeting.

“I don’t know,” Tony said. “And there’s no way to contact him. I called up Jane and she -- well, apparently they broke up sometime before he left the last time and she didn’t have a way to contact him anyway which is sort of why they broke up.”

“But nothing’s happened right,” Sam said. “I mean, no random Asgardians have shown up so--”

“Not since then,” Tony said. “At least not that my satellites picked up anyway. But Coulson or Fury would have mentioned if they heard anything.”

Tony kept paying attention, but nothing outside of the usual happened. Ross’ announcement that Spider-Man was Tony’s son had been a small blip that most people didn’t pay attention to despite all the pictures that Ross had managed to get of Spider-Man coming and going from the tower. Mostly, he just sounded like a conspiracy theorist especially after Tony tweeted that his son was definitely not Spider-Man and that the theory had made Steve laugh. Still, he was sure some people did believe Ross’ story. It was also a concern that Ross was clearly keeping an eye on the tower.

There was a whole thing with the resurgence of AIM in the middle of August but it was such a disorganized mess that they didn’t get very far in even setting themselves up as a threat and Tony had them all rounded up and arrested in the course of an afternoon.

By the time that the summer was actually over, Tony was starting to relax on the Thor front. Peter on the other hand was a tad disappointed that he hadn’t gotten to meet the god yet. It turned out that next to Iron Man, Thor was Peter’s favorite.

“He’s an actual god,” Peter had said, “but also an alien. And just cool. He’s just so cool.”

Sam found the whole thing amusing. “Your kid has good taste at least,” he said, “if he had to crush on any of us.”

“It’s not a crush! I just -- he’s a god, Sam! And the lightning--” Peter trailed off as Sam laughed and Tony tried not to join in.

“He is seriously impressive,” Natasha said in Peter’s defense.

“Yes, exactly,” Peter said.

“Which is why you had a crush on him,” Sam said matter of factly and Peter threw up his arms in the air and Tony knew that he had figured out he couldn’t really say much else to make a difference to the conversation. Mostly, though, Tony loved the level of ease that Peter had with the rest of The Avengers.

But when Peter’s birthday came around, Tony decided that they needed to go on a mini-vacation. Not to get away from anyone, but because Tony wanted to spend some time on his own with Peter away from wedding planning and everything else that was going on at the tower. They went to California because Peter had never been to the West Coast and because Peter had also been interested in seeing the rebuilt Malibu house. It was fun to show Peter around and take him to a few of Tony’s favorite spots. All in all, their vacation was a nice break from the usual. They got back after a couple of weeks away and right in time for Peter to get back to school and Tony to move forward with the new suit. Everything was ready and Tony just needed to have the housing unit put in his chest.

On the night before school was starting up again, Peter was leaning against Tony’s side. There was a movie on, but Tony had long given up on watching it because the plot had changed so drastically that the movie was downright silly and either way, Tony had gotten busy answering emails because Pepper couldn’t understand why Tony was delegating everything to do with SI for the next week or two. Tony still hadn’t told her that he was going to be putting in the housing unit for the nanotech in his chest. He and Shuri both agreed that it was the only way to make it as effective as Tony wanted it to be.

“Is it going to be a long operation?” Peter asked.

Tony looked down at him. “A few hours.”

“I don’t like that I’ll be in school and I won’t be here.”

The whole thing with Thor had really hastened Tony to get the device ready faster. He wanted to be prepared for the next time something happened and things would have been dire if Thor’s return had signaled the beginning of something being wrong. Sure, Tony had his other suits, but the nanotech one was going to be better than any other. Steve and Peter for their part thought that he knew best despite the risk that the surgery would bring him.

“You’ll be here plenty,” Tony assured him. “Nothing is going to go wrong. I have the best doctors on this and we have a good plan for how we’re handling this.”

“Dr. Cho is pretty great,” Peter said with a grin.

Tony wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulders and pulled him closer. “So why did you want to watch this movie again?”

“Ned recommended it,” Peter muttered. “I don’t think I’ll be taking his advice on movies again any time soon.”

Tony laughed. “On that we can agree, kid.”

---

Steve didn’t argue with Tony once Tony decided that he needed to get the housing unit put into his chest. It was Tony’s body and Tony’s decision and while Steve did voice his questions and got Tony to think about the pros and cons, he left it up to Tony because Tony knew best when it came to his suits. The device was different than the arc reactor, anyway, in that it wasn’t working to keep Tony alive. Looking at the ring with the shrapnel that had almost killed Tony, reminded Steve of how much Tony had gone through and survived.

He was with Tony during the operation, holding his hand while Dr. Cho and her team worked on Tony with a combination of Dr. Cho’s tech and Shuri’s as well. It brought down the risk for the procedure considerably. When it was over a few hours later and the whole thing was successful, Steve let out a sigh of relief.

“Good,” he said.

The whole thing was taking place in the compound since the facility had a medical wing and Tony had gone ahead and added an operating room to it too. It meant that Tony was going to be staying at the compound for a few days even if that was more of a precaution than anything, but it was better for him to not have to travel to the tower while fresh out of his operation. Steve had insisted on being there so his anklet was off. The FBI had only checked in on them once since putting the anklets on and the only reason they showed up in the first place was that Sam’s had malfunctioned. It was lucky that they were all in the tower at the time, not that Fury had been sending them on a lot of missions lately. Things were on the quiet side.

“He’ll be asleep for a little longer,” Helen said. “We’ll move him somewhere comfortable. You can call Peter in, if you want.”

“I’ll go get him,” Steve said and leaned over to kiss Tony’s forehead first.

Helen smiled at him.

When he returned with Peter in tow, Tony had been moved into one of the rooms in the medical wing. Tony was still asleep, but he looked peaceful all tucked into bed.

“Everything went perfectly, Peter,” Helen said. “He’ll be awake in an hour or two. Myself or someone from my team will come check in.”

“I’m glad,” Peter said as Helen grabbed a few things and walked out of the room. “I was actually a little worried,” he admitted to Steve. “I just -- I’ve lost all the father figures in my life and he was doing this and I was worried.”

Peter walked to stand by Tony’s bed and Steve moved forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You dad rarely does anything that isn’t for a reason. And if he had suspected that this was any riskier than it needed to be he wouldn’t have done it because the last thing he wants is to leave you. Shuri and Helen worked this out and you know how smart they are.”

“I know,” Peter said and looked up at Steve. “I just couldn’t help it. And thanks for helping me get out of school today. Dad just kept saying how I didn’t need to be here.”

“Yeah, well, he hates that we fuss about him.”

---

Taking it easy was boring. At least, it wasn’t bed rest. Tony could move around and he could go to the workshop but he was limited by how long he could work and how much he could lift or really do which ultimately just made him grumpy. Steve was also hovering for most of his time in there and jumping in to do things for him which Tony had found endearing at first but then kind of frustrating. So, he was happy to be back to normal a month and a half later even if Steve still seemed a bit wary of him doing much. Pepper was worse. She had started to just show up to make sure he was okay every other day right after Tony moved back to the tower and she’d fussed and fussed over him after telling him off for putting the housing unit in his chest in the first place until Tony had enough.

“You know,” Steve said one afternoon, “it’s almost been a year since I came back.”

“It has,” Tony said. A full year. It had been more than a year since the whole fiasco with The Vulture too. They were lucky that there hadn’t been any big villain like that popping up since but even if there had been, Tony was confident that Peter would have been able to handle it.

Training with Steve and the team in general had made a huge difference to Peter’s capabilities as Spider-Man. Peter didn’t use the Iron Spider suit often, opting for his other suit over that one most of the time, but he had gotten so much better with his powers and just his physicality because he wasn’t just following his instincts which were often good, he was doing more. Strategizing and thinking his plans through and really knowing his strengths and weaknesses and using that knowledge to do things in the best way possible.

“And it hasn’t been all bad,” Steve said.

“Yeah,” Tony said. “I half expected you to get too bored to stay.”

“I’ve found that life can’t be boring when you’re in it. But, not just that, it makes a difference that we’re together. You’ve made this worth it and it’s just one more year, Tony.”

“We better hope nothing crazy happens before then,” Tony said. “I thought Thor coming back meant--”

Steve nodded. “I know. I know. I did too. I just wonder what the whole point of it was. He wouldn’t have shown up and left that quickly without there being some reason and I just don’t trust that Loki was with him. Wasn’t he supposed to be dead?”

“Yeah,” Steve said. “That’s what Thor said.”

“Jane was confused about that too. She seemed concerned -- but she hasn’t called which means she hasn’t found anything alarming. At least I have this thing now,” Tony said and tapped his chest. “It makes me feel a little better about any possible threats.”

It was Tony’s fear -- and had been since going through that wormhole -- that they’d be faced with something from outside their world again. Even if nothing came to pass, he wanted them to be prepared. After all, he’d seen what some of those aliens could do and create and it was only a matter of time before Earth became a target again. Loki being alive -- he’d been the one behind the attack in New York. Of course, helped by the stone in the scepter but nevertheless one of the reasons. Thor had said he was leaving to find out more about the stones and...and maybe it was what he was still trying to figure out. It worried Tony.

Chapter One Hundred Nine

[edrecoveryprobs]

RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8

In this post:

#2: How to handle surgery-related diets

#4: our fave recovery blogs

#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo

#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts

[CW behavior mention]

1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?

FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!

2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?

Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.

First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.

Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.

Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.

Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.

I hope things went well for you <3

3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.

You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3

4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤

Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag

5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"

That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.

For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.

Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.

And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).

Sending you lots of love <3

[CW poop mention]

6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.

First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.

7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!

:D will do!

[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image] 8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…

Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.

Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.

Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.

In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.

Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.

And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.

Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.

Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.

Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3