#got out of that depressive episode but shared friend decided to leave that fact out

[cringefailfagcat]

god i just love having little to no autonomy with the relationship with my ex who i have to be friends with

[fanficsformyfaves]

I Don't Wanna Live Forever Pt.2

Rhea Ripley x Fem Prostitute!Reader (Pt.1)

WARNING: ANGST, Depressive Episode, Harassment, Bar Fight, Violence, Confrontation, Confessions, Hurt to Comfort

PREFACE: Reader was Rhea's favorite girl to call on a Saturday night, but little did she know that the wrestler was falling harder and harder with each visit

A/N: Special Appearance by The Judgment Day!

Shed a couple tears over this, but it's cool

The radio silence was unbearable. It had been weeks and with each day that passed, I began to regret what I did more and more. If I'd truly done the right thing, why didn't it feel like it? Why did it feel like I'd just lost a part of myself losing her? I had only myself to blame, so it was unfair of me to be angry at her, but I was.

I was angry at the longing stares and the gentle caresses against my bare skin. I was angry at the inside jokes and little secrets that were shared beneath her sheets. I was angry at all the nights we spent in each others arms. All the things that got me in this mess in the first place, but most of all...I was angry at myself.

Angry that I was too much of a coward to tell her that her feelings were in fact reciprocated.

With where my head was at and how devasting everything was, I decided to completely resign from the service that was using me. In no world could I imagine continuing to be in other peoples beds, when all I wanted was to be in hers. Out of every low point I'd hit before, this was by far the worst one.

I could barely get out of bed without tears immediately streaming down my face. Days felt empty and nights felt suffocating like my body knew something was missing. Even simple tasks like eating and breathing had now become burdensome.

I didn't know whether or not I'd make it out of this one, but by some miracle, I was met with a chance at starting over.

An old friend of mine that used to work with me in the same service recently reached out upon hearing about my departure from one of the other girls. I found out, shortly after leaving, that she got a job at a bar closer to the city and that they were hiring new drink-runners. The pay was decent and I needed something to keep me busy, so of course, I said yes to being interviewed.

I sent in my resume, went in on Monday and the next morning, I got a call saying I was hired, which brings us to right now.

The night started of fine with me just serving the drinks and food, when I heard the bell signaling someone came in. It was a group of obnoxiously loud men that immediately had me and my friend rolling our eyes. I picked up some menus and reluctantly headed over to the table they chose.

"Welcome, what can I get started for you guys?", I say,

Placing down the laminated papers.

"No fucking way!", I heard one of them exclaim,

And when I turn to see who it was, my heart dropped. It was a guy that I previously serviced.

"Yes?", I asked,

Playing clueless.

"Oh, come on, don't tell me you don't recognize me...or the fun little night we had"

I could tell by the way he slurred his words that he was incredibly drunk. His group immediately began snickering and raking their eyes up and down my body.

"I'm sorry, sir. You must be thinking of someone else"

"Nah, I'd recognize those tits anywhere", he declared,

Causing 'oohs' to echo from the table.

I held my composure and took a deep breath through my nose.

"Excuse me, gentlemen", I said,

Walking away and heading back to the bar.

"What's up?", my friend asked,

Seeing the irritated expression on my face.

"Old clients at table 6"

"Ugh, again? Do they not have jobs? They're here every night"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, you haven't been scheduled past 8 yet, so you were lucky enough not to run into them", she explained,

"Well, I guess I'm shit outta luck now", I joked.

And as if the universe couldn't have had worse timing, another group walks in and the sinking feeling in my chest had now become a burning sting.

"Wait, isn't that-"

Before my friend could get her words out, I immediately hid in the kitchen. I hear her calling out to me as I left, but didn't bother turning back to look.

Out of any place on earth and out of any bar, she just had to show up at the one that I work at? This had to have been some sick joke. What was I meant to do now? It's not like I could just leave and risk getting in trouble on my second week.

I stayed still a few minutes to recollect myself and once I was successful, I take in one last deep breath, before heading back out.

"You've got this", my friend reassured,

Handing me four menus.

I made my way towards her table and the closer I got, the harder it became for the both of us to ignore the other's gaze.

"Welcome, what can I get started for you guys?", I say,

Putting on my best customer service voice.

"I'll take chicken tenders", the one with the mullet answered,

"We both want steaks, medium rare", the tallest added on,

As I jotted down their orders.

"Alright and...for you, miss?", I asked,

The hesitance in my voice giving my nerves away.

"Just some gin for now", she answered,

Avoiding eye contact.

As painful as it was, I decided against asking any further questions at the risk of making things any more uncomfortable.

"Those should be right out", I nod my head,

Walking off, but as I was headed towards the serving hatch to put the orders in, I felt a hand grab my wrist.

"What time do you get off?", the asshole from earlier questioned,

Causing me to rip my arm away.

"Excuse you", I scolded,

Going to turn away, when he grabbed me by the arm next. I could feel the panic start to set in and my eyes start to water.

"Get off, seriously", my words trembled,

"Oh, what? Does the slut think she's too good for m-", his sentence was cut short by a tissue holder hitting the back of his head,

Causing him to fall over.

"She said get off", Rhea warned through gritted teeth,

"Handle this, I'm taking her home", she ordered her friends,

They all turn to each other smirking, before sauntering over to the table full of the guy's friends. They all immediately took off, leaving him behind to fend for himself.

"Come on", she urged,

"My shift isn't over", I shakily muttered,

She sighed, taking out her wallet.

"Dom, make sure to let the manager knows what happened and that (Y/N) went home", she instructed,

Pulling out a couple hundreds, before dropping them on the table.

"You got it, mami", he said,

Picking up the guy and dragging him outside with the help of the other two men.

"Wait, what are they-"

"Doesn't matter. Come on", she throws an arm over my shoulder,

Leading me outside and helping me into her car. The last thing I saw before driving off was the three men completely pummeling the guy into a pulp. Not to say he didn't deserve it, but, I still couldn't help but feel uneasy.

The car ride wasn't much help either. Besides the quite hum that came from the engine and the passing cars, it was mostly silent. She must've noticed, as her hand gently gripped my knee in an attempt to calm me down.

"Are you hurt?", she finally spoke,

"My arm's sore", I answered hesitantly,

Causing her to let out a shaky exhale through her nose.

He did yank me pretty hard, so I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up to a handprint on me.

"We're almost at mine", she lets me know.

As if I didn't already recognize the street we were on. I mean I'd been down this road too many times not to.

"We're here"

She pulls into her driveway and gets out to open my door for me. She then leads me into the house, urging me to take a seat on the sofa.

"I'll get an icebag. Wait, here"

"It's fine-"

Before I could object, she had already left the living room.

The tension was so apparent, I felt it in my bones. She was cold and guarded, but I had no right to fault her for it. I was the one who ended things and now, I had to lay in the bed I made.

She returns with the ice and lifts my sleeve to press it against the bruise, causing me to wince at the ache.

"Who was that guy, anyways?", she questioned,

"An old client. I don't work there anymore though"

For the first time this whole evening, her eyes finally met mine.

"What?"

"I quit last month. I couldn't do it anymore", I admitted,

As her gaze softened.

"Why?"

"It's not important", I tried to brush off,

"(Y/N)"

"It doesn't matter-"

"(Y/N)", she called sternly,

Causing tears to prick at my eyes.

"Did someone hurt you?"

"No-"

"Then what?"

What was I meant to say? That I was the cause of my own hurting? That I left the only life I'd known because someone showed me that I deserved better than that? That that person was her?

"Then...what?", she pressed further.

With a single tear rolling down my cheek, I finally confessed.

"Because of you", my voice waivered.

Her eyes widened, as she slowly put the icepack down.

"Since the last time we spoke, I've been going through the worst time"

A tear rolled down my cheek and my entire body began to chill. Her brows met in a sadness that was too deep to describe.

“I thought I could get over it, but I couldn’t have been more wrong and it didn’t hit me till I left your house”

“Then why did you?”

“I…”

It was as if all the words were caught in my throat with no way out.

What was I meant to say? What could I say? Anything I thought of wouldn’t excuse the way I’d walked out on her. I would be lucky if she could’ve even look me in the eyes again, much less forgive me.

“I was a coward”

She shakes her head, averting her gaze down to her lap.

“So much so that it made me lose you”

I hear a sigh and I couldn’t decipher whether she was disappointed or annoyed.

“I should’ve stayed. I should’ve given this a fighting chance. It was unfair, cruel and undeserved. You were the first person to show me kindness and it scared me. I didn't know how to receive that kind of care and I know that isn't an excuse, but that was the reason and I can't tell you how sorry I am"

The silence was the most painful part. It sent knives straight through my chest and there was nothing I could do to alleviate that burn.

“I understand if you want me to leave. I deserve that”, I sobbed,

Picking at the lose thread on my uniform, when she takes my hand.

“I don’t want that”, she finally spoke,

"You leaving did hurt me and it was something that I thought I'd be angry for, but...I wasn't. I was sad. Sad because I thought you didn't care for me the way I cared for you. You were my favorite part of every single waking moment. Your laugh, your smile, the way you talk, the heart you have, I've never seen anything like it"

I felt every piece of me break with each word.

"This whole time, that's all I could think about. That you didn't feel the same", she continued,

Gathering her own tears now.

"Rhea", I muttered,

Taking her face into my hands.

"You don't understand how much I love you"

[hobaworld7]

JHS • Depressive episode (TW)

TW: Depression - Mention of self-harm - Panic attack

BTS don't belong to me. It's just an imagine.

Don't read if your sensible to the subject mention.

Hope you'll enjoy the imagine and please stay nice in the comment, i'm just a baby army!

_ _ _

You were not doing great, in fact, you were miserable. You just broke up with your boyfriend from 3 years because he cheated and on top of that, all that pain cause you to fail your semester. So needless to say that you were a mess since then. 

You spend your days and night in your bed, barely eating and showering once every few days. Your body felt like it was carrying the world. It was so heavy, you couldn't move. Just cry, over and over again. Wondering how you were still alive. And still have water in your body.

On his side, Hoseok was busy practicing new choreographies with his team. His new album was just released so he was really busy with all the marketing around it. He was still worried for you, his best friend since too many years to count. He was trying to call and text you every time he gets the chance but you wouldn't answer. And it makes him worried more since today would've been your 3 years anniversary with the asshole. So today he decided to leave early and go see how you were doing. 

It's been a month, since he broke up and today would've been your three years anniversary. You were tired of being here. In this apartment you once shared with him. Everything around you felt strange. You were a ghost. Not feeling anything except the pain in your heart. Why do people can still live like nothing happen when your world fell apart? 

 It was 2pm when you got out of bed, your stomach screaming for some good food. You walk to your pantry just to see it almost empty. Same for the fridge. You let out a big sigh and fall on the couch. Almost crying because there is no food in your apartment. You grab your cellphone so you can order something to eat. After putting in your credit card information you just had to wait until it gets delivered. 

When Hoseok arrive at the entrance of your building he saw a delivery guy with some food from your favorite restaurant. 

-Ya, mister! Is it for Y/N, apartment 501?  

The delivery guy turns toward Hoseok and give him your order after confirming he knows you. He got in the elevator and select the 5. Once in front of your door, he knock slowly two times.

It's been almost thirty minutes since you order your food, you were still on the couch, contemplating the state of your place. Clothes were everywhere, dishes all over the countertop and your hair in a messy bun. The only piece of clothes were your ex's shirt and some short. You painfully get up of the couch once you heard the knock on the door. Without even looking, excepting to see the delivery guy, you open the door. You close it in a loud bang once you realized your best friend was on the other side. 

- YAH HOSEOK. WHY DO YOU COME HERE UNANNOUNCED? 

- Y/N, i'm worried about you, I haven't seen you in a month. 

- Please leave. Take the food with you i don't care. But I really don't want to see you right now. 

And here we go again, the tears were running down you cheeks. You were so embarrassed. 

- Let me in, please. 

- No. 

- Y/N, I have a key, so if you don't open the door, I'll use it. 

- It's a mess here. 

- It's okay, i'll clean for you. 

- I'm a mess. You say, hoping he'll leave now. 

- It's okay, i'll hug you until you feel better. Now let me in. 

With your teary face, you slowly open the door. He enters your apartment and put the bags on the floor. He doesn't say a thing. You don't say a thing. But when he opens his arms, you run in them. You body shaking for you tears, you press your face into his chest. His hand stroking your hair. 

- I'm here and i am not leaving you okay Y/N? You're too good to cry over this asshole again. 

Hoseok brushes the hair out of your face and with his index, gently lift your face so you look at him.  With his thumbs he started whipping off your tears. 

- Why don't you go take a shower? I'll cook diner and clean a little okay? And throw that shirt in the garbage okay? I'll give you one of mine.

You let out a little laugh and go to the bathroom. You start the shower and get out of your clothes. Once you're in the shower, you sit in the tub and just start taking deep breath. It was too much emotions. Why does he have to come here and rescue you like he's a prince or something? The boy you love left you, you failed your semester and then your best friend sees you in your worst shape? Life was really mean to you. 

Hoseok had clean you kitchen and living room and now was cooking some ramen for you. Simple but comforting. When he realized it's been more than 35 minutes since you got in the shower, he was a little worried. He knock on the bathroom door and open it. 

- Y/N, you're okay? 

He heard you crying behind the bathroom curtain. 

- Hey i'm here, talk to me okay? Are you alright? 

- Hobi... 

He could hear all your pain just in the way you said his name. 

- I'm not.. I'm not okay.. I can't breath.. Ev-Everything hur- Hurt so much. 

- We'll get you out of here okay, can i open the curtain? 

- Yes.. 

You were all curl up in the tub, the hot water burning your skin. Hobi turn off the water and put a warm towel around you. 

- I don't know what to do Hobi.. I, I just hurt all the time. I can't take it. I'm tired to feel like this. These thoughts all inside my head. Telling me of how big of a failure i am. I.. I wanted to hurt myself Hobi.. I'm.. I'm not okay. I don't know what to do.. 

You felt your breathing becoming harder and harder. You were shaking and struggling to get air in your lunges. Hoseok put one arm under your knee and one behind your back so he can lift you up of the bathroom floor. He makes sure that you stay covered with the towel before bringing you in the living room. He sat on the couch, keeping you in his arms like a princess. You buried your face in his neck, trying to get control over your breathing. 

- Okay pretty, take some slow breath okay. You got this. There is no danger. I'm here. You're safe with me. 

He was slowly taking deep breaths, encouraging you to do the same. He was still holding you in his arms, your face buried in his neck and his hand slowly stroking your hair back. 

- Don't leave me.. 

- I'm never leaving you Y/N. 

He kiss the top of your head. 

___

If you want to read more, here is the link of my masterlist : https://www.tumblr.com/kimtaehyung-taetae-writing/710423978560421888/masterlist?source=sharethank you army!

[taytayb1993]

My Review of Snowfall Series Final

Hey, guys, so, I watched the final episode and season of the TV crime drama series Snowfall, and I decided to share my thoughts on it on my blog. First, I going to give my positive review on the show Snowfall, and I considered one of the best crime drama series in the late 2010s and early 2020s, if not, all times. This show is well written, the directing is great, and the character development is incredible. John Singleton, who passed away on April 28, 2019, brought this show to the upper level where there are other TV shows became popular, especially in this timeline, and I’m glad they paid homage to John Singleton at the end of the final. The cast and crew did great for making this show that it deserved to be praise positively from viewers. The actors and actresses should be awarded, too. 

Now, here’s my review on Snowfall final, and, speaking to those who haven’t watched it, there’s going to be some spoilers. I think it’s great, but it’s depressing, but it’s great. Damson Idris, who played as Franklin Saint, did an amazing job with this performance, he should be awarded for this acting. The protagonist and anti-hero, Franklin Saint, he gone from being a good kid at the very first season of the show to a drug dealer, to a drug lord, and consequently, to a homeless drunk. So, yeah, Franklin ruined his own life, ended up like his father, Alton, whom Franklin saved at the very early seasons, and now, he don’t care about him at the series final. All that over fucking 73 million dollars. Franklin should have taken his mother’s, Cissy, advise, just walk away from all this, away from the drug trade and the money they made from trafficking drugs. Cissy got involved in it, too, but at least she made a choice on walked away to Cuba with Alton, never look back. It was great for them until Teddy killed Alton when he told the truth about the CIA, who Teddy is a member of, involved in drug trafficking, especially flooding the black neighborhoods, such as in Compton, LA, with crack cocaine; destroying people lives and homes. Yes, it happened in real life and they still doing it. How? Because there are black crooks (I’m saying this as a black man) facilitates the drug trade in the black community. That’s right, there are black scumbags in the black communities helps the system(government) bring the drugs and guns into the communities; they provide the drug dealers with narcotics, distributing them to the other dealers and the peddlers selling them on the streets, alleys, and inside their house or trap house. They’re destroying their own community and still are.

So, yeah, Teddy is based on that fact, he’s a CIA, a U.S. government agency, made deal with a lower level drug peddler, Franklin, after Teddy kidnapped him and Leon. This is the first time they met. Now, after all the money they gained by ruined innocent lives with drugs, they lend themselves to their downfall. This is all Teddy’s fault, he’s one of the main substances of consequently actions that led to chaos that is inevitable. I’m glad Cissy killed him, because he’s one the courses of all this. And this is also Franklin’s fault, too, but it’s also his family and friends’ fault, included Cissy. Think about, even if they never met and deal with Teddy, they would have still deal drugs, and there probably are other drug dealers out there, in or outside their neighborhood. Saint’s family should have been walk away from the drug trade, at least they should have have invest their money into properties and businesses, make sure they’re legit. At least Alton came to his conscious and realized they’re destroying their community. At least he tried to reason with Cissy, Franklin, and the rest of the family and encourage them to leave the drug trade, leave this life. At least Cissy listened to him, but most of them got too greedy and they ended up divided among themselves. Franklin regretted hitting his father when he tried to get them out of the crime life, Frank loved his father back then, now, in the series final, he doesn’t care about him, at all. He doesn’t care that either Teddy killed him or not. Cissy cares about Alton, she wants to know what happened to him as she wants revenge on Teddy for have something to do with Alton’s missing. She even tried too encouraged Franklin too leave the drug trade and drug money that he wanted. But Franklin had lost it. He let his greed, pride, and paranoia consumed him, which it led to his downfall. 

It is sad that things ended this way, at least, fortunately, two of the main characters made it out. Cissy is in jail for killing Teddy, which I believe Teddy deserves it, it’s his fault; Gus finally got out of the grip of the DEA, CIA, Cartels, and Franklin, and gone to live his life and see his girlfriend and kids; Aunt Louie is still being chase by the fed; Leon went to Ghana with his girlfriend; and now, Franklin is homeless, drunk, and I think he’s becoming a junkie. So, that’s how it ends for the protagonist, eh? Even he’s an anti-hero. I felt sorry for Franklin, and I’m sure most people who watched this series final do, too, but he chose and continue this life that ruined himself and his family. At least, Leon came to visit him and check on him, as well as he tried to help him. It shows that Leon is a true and best friend of Franklin. Leon is sad that he sees what Franklin had become, and he wouldn’t be able to help him. That ending in very end of the episode is sad. 

So, yeah, that’s the end of Snowfall, very sad one, too, and I think it’s shows you that getting involved in the drug trade is not worth it. It’s not just a crime, it’s an evil crime. Yes, it’s an evil thing to do. Drugs, such as heroin and cocaine, destroys people’s lives, communities, killing people, and it most likely destroy those who deal with them. It’s a curse as well as it’s like a Pandora’s box. I think series is showing you that it’ would make you think “was all that worth it”. Yeah, the series shows you what consequences drug trafficking will lead to, and we all know, it’s chaos. 

I would consider Snowfall as one of the best crime drama TV series along with Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, The Sopranos, and The Wire. This show should be at least nominated as it deserves the awards because the cast and crew did great with series and these characters developments are amazing. Franklin Saint is a well written character and Damson Idris did wonderful for portraying the character. I would rate Snowfall 8 out of 10 and Damson’s performance top notch. This is the best series John Singleton had ever created. Hope you all like my review. Oh, man, what a show.

[sporeblossom]

ok so. i might delete this so enjoy it while it's here. i just need to gush about how happy i am lmao.

alright. last summer i went to another town for pride. i was there for a week, and one day i was having a slow day, i didn't have any plans until the evening, and i decided to go down to the canal for a swim. the water was amazing, and i found a good spot to sit and enjoy the sun. and then a very handsome and kind looking young man sat down next to me. his towel and bag was there before i even picked my spot, so when he came back to his spot, i apologized because i thought I was in his spot, and he said that i hadn't been in the way at all. he sat down, and somehow we kept on chatting for a bit. that chatting became actual talking, and eventually we knew each others names, where we were from, etc. we talked about polyamory and really bonded over that topic. at one point he just looks at me and says: "i have a good idea. i think you and i should go to [this other place that's also a nude beach]. i fully prefer to swim naked, and i really liked talking to him, so i agreed. we walked in the sun and just enjoyed getting to know each other the entire way there. when we arrived, we took our clothes off while laughing and smiling shyly at each other. we swam around in the cool water together, and swam out into the middle of the canal. i don't remember what we said, but i remember slowly swimming closer and closer to each other, until we kissed each other. we smiled and tried to stay afloat and smiled again and blinked against the sun and its reflections in the water. we almost got ran over by a tourist boat that passed us by while we where completely entranced by each other. when we got back to shore, he said he had to hang back a bit because he couldn't get out of the water yet, and he winked at me. we spent the whole afternoon together, talking and swimming and kissing. one of his friends came by and hung out with us too.

in the end i had to leave to get to my evening plans, and i just wanted to cancel everything and spend the night with him. but we said goodbye, friended each other on Facebook, and that was it. we would write occasionally, trying to figure out when we could see each other. but i had a bad depressive episode that fall, and didn't have the capacity to travel to see him, and he was too busy with school.

but then last month i came back to town for my cousins bachelorette party. and was finally doing a lot better (and still am). and we finally saw each other again. it was late at night, and we were both tired. we met outside at first, and went for a short walk to sort of acclimate to each other's company again. then we went back to the apartment i was staying at and just cuddled on the couch for a long time, before we even kissed. we just lay there and held one another and looked into each other's eyes until we finally kissed. and the sex was incredible. he shared that he was in a vulnerable place, and therefore currently practiced a form of celibacy where he didn't have penetrative sex or had orgasms. and it resulted in the most present, vulnerable, intimate, connected, honest, and hottest sex I've ever had with a straight man (and i have fucked a lot of straight men). i think we both said goodbye that night feeling a little bit in love.

and now im back in town. we have a date tomorrow, but i didn't have any plans tonight and he got out of uni late and passed near my place anyway, so we met up. we just hung out by the water and had a little wine. talked. kissed. it was cold and we were freezing for way too long, but we just dragged out the time because we enjoyed each others company so much. we talked about relationships, emotions, vulnerability, communication, self-love. i can't wait to see him tomorrow. i really fucking like him. i know we've only met three times but so far he's given me zero red flags. and who cares how it turns out, it won't change the fact that so far our time together has been so unbelievably amazing. and its just insane that us meeting was such an unlikely coincidence, so many things went wrong for him on that day, causing him to go for a swim to clear his head. we weren't drinking or on an app, we have zero friends in common, we were just complete strangers meeting by chance like something out of a movie. like i fully thought shit like this didn't actually happen? like i can't really believe it?? i keep looking for red flags but finding none. its crazy but i feel like I'm in love.

[dipshit-does-crimes]

let’s start shit off with a bang. this’ll be really sense making because my head hasn’t been a mess at all!

so anyway let’s start with the fact that i literally do not have anyone else to talk to about this and honestly idk if strangers on the gay website will be better but it’s better than nothing. my irl friends would probably make a big deal out of all my mental issues and idk i really don’t want to deal with them leaving me over it. solution? don’t tell em. i’m so smart actually

so my aromantic ass got himself into a queerplatonic relationship, right? we didn’t really know much about eachother except the fact that we really liked talking to eachother and shared some cool interests. plenty of platonic i love yous were shared, and then i find out they’re a whole ass 3 years younger than me. you might be like but it’s platonic right? yeah. but still, i was telling someone three years younger than me that i loved them like a fucking creepy asshole. so my only other friend obvi found out about it because i don’t have anyone else to talk to about this shit and went to them, and said that it was really weird and i should probably stop. keep in mind than they were young. like i’m young, they were three years younger than my young. we’re both minors. but my stupid fucker ass got attached and doesn’t know how to comfortable with deescalating something simply. but my other friend who i’ll call N for now(J will be for the other one) said either them or J. don’t be a dick about this by the way, it was a really weird situation and i was totally in the wrong cuz i suck and i suck really, so N was completely in the right. i’ve known N for like a year and a half almost, J for a month MAYBE. so i asked if i should sacrifice myself or J. no direct answer so i obvi chose to save them because who wouldn’t? so i ended up using N to say that this shit was weird and then i haven’t really talked to J for a while except to ask if they’ve killed themselves or not

so that’s a whole situation. i got into a “bad” depressive episode(i think it was bad it probably was) and really just dumped it all onto N because again i don’t have anyone else to talk to at that point. really really suicidal btw. like, really. and me and N have a pact that we will not lie to eachother, so I tell them obvi. obvious mental stress on N there. one night while my mom wasn’t home, try to find a knife to slice up my legs a little(never done sh at that point) and i realise all the fucking knives are dull. go back to bed and message them kind of in a shock. get up, try AGAIN with some scissors that ended up being dull because of course they are. wasn’t clear enough, they thought i tried to kill myself or something, so even MORE mental stress on N. J is completely out of the picture because i can’t talk to them right now cuz owwie. so the shit i haven’t told N time.

I have this metal thing that some stores use to hang up stuff but not really that i found at school. it’s surprisingly sharp, i used it to scratch up my legs a bit for the first time like a day ago. it’s not sharp enough to make myself bleed sadly but it works well enough. i was immediately hit with a rush, decided to tell N i wasn’t going to kill myself(which i have no plans to go back on. they know i’ll only kill myself if it’s my birthday. i’m autistic about death what the fuck) and this probably barely relived any stress at all. so i want to pretend im a good person for a sec and tell them they really should stop talking to me and tell me to fuck off and die(not like that obvi) but they’re smart and was already thinking about it but didn’t want to tell me because i might kill myself if they stopped talking to me. idk why but that really fucking hurt? like. they should be able to tell me shit bothering them so i can stop immediately and pretend nothing happened. i would be willing to pretend for them any day. so now you know a lot about my shitty personal life. hooray! good for you. by the way me and N aren’t talking right now. they said it wasn’t complete no contact and just distancing while i put myself together(i’m not going to) but like cmon dude i can read between the lines! you obvi don’t want to talk to me for a few months which like okay i won’t even look in your general direction unless you need something from me. it’s not that hard.

so yeah that’s pretty much all i’ve been dealing with what’s going on with you all

[dodo-begone]

Beware the Beast

Pairing: Yandere!Philza x Reader

Request: Maybe some yandere!philza headcanons? You don’t have to!

Word Count: 2k

Warning: yandere, swearing, talk about kidnapping, depression (kinda detailed on that aspect)

A/n: I accidentally turned this into a story- i really need to stop doing that. But I just couldn't resist! Also sorry if Phil is OOC. And this isn't proofread. We die like men here. Can be perceived as platonic or romantic.

This man has lived many years, lost so many loved ones. He’s getting tired of this cycle. It’s truly exhausting. You start to care about the world less. After a while, you start to see too many similarities in things, making it hard to look at. So he starts to close his heart to others. It’s just easier that way, for both parties. Saves him from the heartbreak and them from… well, him. He also stops caring for himself. After all, he’s literally immortal. Nothing can kill this man, so neglecting some self care routines every once in a while wouldn’t hurt…

But this becomes such a bad habit of his. He barely cares for himself after a while. It’s hard to find the energy when it isn’t going to matter in the end. Nothing matters anyways. Every action will always prove fruitless in the end. So what’s the point in doing something so... small if it takes this much energy? If a past version of himself saw Phil now, they’d be disgusted. Telling him to just get up and care for himself. Come on, you’re immortal. Nothing can kill you. Just do this.

He’s a mess when you two meet. His platinum-blonde hair was mostly neat, a little shaggy. It was obvious that he just got himself cleaned up a bit. One can only do so much about deep eyebags, dull hair, and lifeless eyes on such short notice.

You were introduced to him through Ghostbur. Phil was overjoyed that Ghostbur was making more friends. Though much less pleased when Ghostbur insisted that he’d bring his new friend over to meet Phil. Oh come on Phil, you’d just love them. They’re so nice! What tortured Philza more than his first interaction with you? His conversations with Ghostbur about you. He’d just prattle on about things you and him did, about how much fun you two had and how nice you were. Always nice.

And you were nice, an absolute sweetheart. But much too perky for Philza’s liking. You two had been chatting for quite a while when Ghostbur silently leaves you two together. Well, you’re chatting. Phil is just listening to you, hoping that you’d leave at any moment. Some topics were brought up; they were mostly some small icebreakers to get acquainted more.

When your past was brought up, you’d always paint this fucking picture-perfect past. So peaceful. God, the envy he had of you, of the peace you experienced in your life- He felt bad for it, honestly, he did. But he just wished he could’ve had even a fraction of the prosperity you spoke about. For someone living in the DSMP, you had a relatively easy and steady life. No war, no major or sudden loss or anything of that sort. A perfect life.

After that, you just kept coming back. Why? Why are you coming back? Are you here to taunt him for the life he lived? For the life he’ll never have? Is some god sending you as a punishment? A living example of everything he gave up, had to leave behind. That’s what he believed, anyways.

That was far from your intentions. You saw how he was in your first meeting; jumpy yet dissociating from reality. An oppressive, glum aura seemed to just emanate him. So downtrodden and dead inside, yet so obviously alive on the outside. It hurt to see him like that, as you went through something similar. You had no idea how long he’d been like that, but you decided that you’d help him in any way that you could.

You tried to make it a daily thing. Everyday you’d go to Phil’s house around midday to afternoon. You two would talk for a bit, but you’d couldn’t help sprinkling your questions in. Have you eaten yet, mr. Philza? Have you had water today, mr. Philza? Have you preened your feathers, mr. Philza? Have you bathed today, mr. Philza?

Your questions irked Phil. Everyday, without fail, you’d come and talk to him. It’d be small talk at first; what the weather was up to that day, some light politics, Tubbo’s new adopted son. Small. Yet you’d always bring up his self care. He was a fcking grown man. He could take care of himself. What’s worse? You’d pester him to care for himself in that instant if he even showed a small sign of negligence. And you’d stay the entire time, making sure he did everything. And then you’d always add “mr. Philza” on the end. It was a sign of respect, yet it upset him so much. But he couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it was.

Though it was annoying, it got him in the habit of caring for himself. It was only to stop your pesting! That’s the reasoning. The only reason. It wasn’t because you’re congratulating and giving him treats when he remembered to care for himself. Or you petting his wings… Those were only bonuses! He swears!

It becomes more steady as time goes on; you go and visit Phil, you talk with Phil and see if he’s caring for himself, and if he was, you’d reveal a delicious treat from within your enderchest. You two would talk while munching on the food, having fun sharing what your pasts were like. Well, more like yours. Phil didn’t really talk about his.

But he still seems so cold, disinterested. Even with how long you’ve been going over for. Like he’s only listening to what you’re telling him. If he’s even listening. And seeing how he interacted with others like Techno and Ranboo, it really disheartened you. He was so much more lively with them, more natural. Loud laughing and silly little antics. It only took a few small, insignificant depression episodes for your self doubt to finally debilitate you. Though it only really affected your contact with Phil; he was a big insecurity of yours.

So you start to distance yourself. You were hurting and saw yourself as a bother to Philza. It would’ve been better if you just didn’t try to talk to him anymore. He’d be so much happier without you bugging him all the time. All of this sudden, open time gives you much more empty hours. There was nothing to do. So you did what you could; you went out to make or strengthen friendships. It was so nice. You never realized how everyone on the smp was so nice. Maybe they weren’t as bad as Phil was making them all out to be…

Philza was upset the first day you weren’t there. You were such a steady element of his day. You were like the very air he breathed; it was extremely hard to live without you. He never noticed before how much he needed you. Yes, he knew that he really enjoyed you, saw that you were a pillar, a constant in his life. He came to enjoy your visits, but hadn’t realized how dependent he became because of them. It was day three when Phil started to worry about you. Why hadn’t you come to talk with him, like usual? He’s taking care of himself, just for you, just like you kept insisting he do. And he made you some cake.

He knew he was acting odd, lovesick even. His love for you was toxic, extremely so. It wasn’t healthy, yet he couldn’t care less anymore. You were like his nicotine to a smoker; he couldn't live without you being in his life. His everyday life. So after some debating, he finally went out to look for you.

Traversing the nether wasn’t too bad, but still a tedious walk. He was stuck in his mind the entire trip there, wondering where you could be and what you could be doing. Maybe you got caught up in making something. A redstone project? That’d be pretty cool. Or maybe moving? No, if you were, you’d have told him. But that didn’t stop him from speeding up just a wee bit. Just to make sure you were actually still on the smp.

His mind was racing, thinking of any possibility of what you were doing. And his mind eventually hit something that absolutely terrified him; you could be sick, injured, or dying. It felt like the world just fucking stopped. This was a sudden loss of contact and you still hadn’t come to talk with him. So that… that means there’s a high probability of you being in danger.

He ran the rest of the way to the main part of the smp. When he came out of the portal, he frantically looked around for any sign of you. For your house. Then it hit him; he had no idea where you lived. You only mentioned it being cold where you lived, just like where he lived. So that most likely meant Snowchester. He started running toward the cold nation

On his way to Snowchester, he observed his surroundings. A little bit. He had to get to you, keep his eye on the prize. And he was glad that he looked around. There you were, on another part of the prime path.

He was overjoyed to see you, especially doing so well. Soon he came to a stop. Just floored by the fact you were there, in front of him. Frantically he tried to view you as best he could, looking for any sign of injury or illness.

Now he couldn’t come across as clingy or desperate. That wasn’t how you knew him. You know him as Philza; the kind but a mild social recluse. Not really going out to others unless he needed something or he was needed.

So he walked over to you, trying his best to look nonchalant. Like he wasn’t just desperately searching for you a moment ago. He called out to you and guess what happened? You started to walk away. He was stunned. Did you just ignore him? No, you must not have heard him. It was kinda windy out at the moment.

Logically he did the best option, following you. He had no clue where your destination could be. You were going to a different area of the smp than he had been. My how the smp changed since the destruction of L’manberg. He knew it changed, but it seemed so much bigger than what you described.

He didn’t exactly pay attention to where you were indirectly leading him. That was until a flash of movement caught his attention. Snapping out of it, he looked to see what could’ve been going on. Who could’ve been there. And what he saw before him was a terrible sight.

Quackity stood by your side, animatedly chatting with you. Phil was confused as to why you were talking to Quackity of all people. You two recently talked about how Quackity was problematic and arrogant. If you knew that, then why were you talking to him?

Awkwardly he watched you. Not within earshot, but where he could keep an eye on you and Quackity. And Quackity was looking at Phil too. His eyes spoke volumes; Quackity wasn’t pleased that Phil was there. Boy was that sentiment shared. It was tense between the two, yet you still seemed oblivious to what was going on.

Then Quackity said something, putting his hand on your shoulder and leading you somewhere else. But gave one last look at Phil, one that just spoke “fuck off”. Phil wished he could’ve told Quackity the same. To get him away for you.

Quackity’s action sparked a thought in him. A reason as to why you hadn’t come to talk to Phil; Quackity must’ve kidnapped you! Yes, that’s why you hadn’t come. It makes so much sense. Quackity knows you and most likely knows you talk to Phil.

With how easily you tell Phil of the people you’re talking to, he doubts that the behavior would just change. But that’s what must’ve gotten you in so much trouble; you were too trusting, too kind-hearted. You gave Quackity a chance and he was stealing you away, imprisoning you. You needn’t worry dear, he’ll rescue you from that foul man.

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: A Festive Day in the Life of Dan and Phil!

Date video was published: 12/20/2014 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 254

The 2014 DITL video! The last one had been back in August 2013. This is my absolute favorite DITL and probably one of my top five DNP joint videos of all time. Get ready for me to have way too much to say about it.

0:00 - sleepy morning + quiff Phil! We’ll see a surprising amount of that in this video.

0:05 - “almost a week till Christmas,” so they must have filmed this just a few days before it was posted

0:25 - no waking up Dan in “his” bedroom like in the first two DITL. Hmmm...this scene doesn’t seem staged at all...especially since Phil’s laptop is already open on the arm of the sofa. Unless he just left it like that overnight.

0:37 - love that the other advent calendar on the mantle in the one they made. 😂 There are 18 of the doors opened on it, so they’re probably filming this on the the 18th or 19th of December.

0:47 - they both jump into doing the theme music as soon as Phil says “titan”

0:57 - that is pretty late for them to be putting up the decorations! Phil looks sad about it too.

1:01 - sad tinsel. I think Phil had the silver piece in the background in his last video. And the little WALLE in the background here, from all the way back in PINOF. 🥺

1:17 - this domestic insight, just 😭😭😭

1:26 - full circle back to the first DITL video. I wonder if they watched the previous DITLs before filming this one.

1:41 - so many mugs.

1:48 - Dan did not want that one because it was very hard to actually drink out of as he discovered in DITL London. I really bet they did watch the previous ones shortly before this...so many references back!

1:55 - awww, happy warm Phil

2:13 - such a dramatic sigh but he goes to get it anyway!

2:25 - well that is a terrifying way to burn a tealight...put it on a dish!

2:33 - I love that there is no explanation for this in the video. Phil is superstitious about new shoes on the table, which they had both tweeted about before.

2:40 - Dan fashion show and an encouraging Phil

2:47 - immediate smile when Dan notices Phil there

2:56 - why does Phil looks SO GOOD in this clip. also, as usual a weird/slightly horrifying poem from his brain.

3:02 - love that they both decided to wear holiday jumpers. They also wore these same ones for their December radio show. Also the Dan lean-in 🥺

3:12 - PJ tweeted about this DNP visit!

3:27 - this whole leaving scene is possibly the most domestic part of any video - the candle argument, the coat adjustment, the stop in the bathroom to check their hair, Phil checking to make sure Dan has keys, the spider checking and joking... I mean.

4:13 - more throwback conversation to DITL London

4:35 - so glad he chose not to lick his hand. Even more horrifying in 2021.

4:40 - Dan talked about this and falling up the escalator in What not to do on Public Transport

5:00 - “bit corporate isn’t it?” but caves immediately because Phil wants to. 

5:10 -  Love that Phil orders while Dan finds a table. Love that Phil makes Dan draw something happy not just a sad face. Love Dan’s huge smile after that.

5:33 - Dan really can’t say much he was reading his phone in the clip right before this!

5:58 - Dan’s talking about this weird incident that Phil posted a clip of on LessAmazingPhil

6:18 - they always go to at least one nerdy shop in the first DITLs!

6:36 - the things they choose to zoom in on in this shop...Dan with Spiderman’s crotch a few seconds before this and now Phil on the shirtless guy book cover. subtle, lol.

7:29 - I had actually heard of this board game prior to this video because Wil Wheaton did a TableTop episode. I remember being so surprised to see DNP wanting it!

7:39 - Phil and his weird people encounters. 😂 And Dan just mocking him for it.

7:59 - they did, in fact, go to see Matilda the next summer.

8:10 - oh my god this clock scene. Of course Phil wants to make a game of it. And then Dan with the seemingly slight fudging of what he was pointing at. And this look and then both of them giggling. 👀

8:32 - that start of Dan’s running! This is around the time or shortly after he had started to see a therapist (according to the timeline he gave in Daniel and Depression), so thinking he probably wanted to start for his mental health.

9:11 - Dan talks about the “guy wearing the white sheet in Manchester” in What not to do In Town. Their reminiscing faces are too much.

9:19 - Phil is so excited about this. He had tweeted a couple times in the past about Moomins (1, 2)

9:37 - the excitement about the treats and the festive drinks and decorations and Phil’s teasing 😭

10:04 - they film fairly often in the back of cars and I just feel like must be so awkward, but it doesn’t seem to bother them. And Phil’s hair is quiffed again!

10:28 - and the stairs song! Which they are too prepared for so it must be a regular thing they say/sing. This video has SO MANY moments that I love.

10:51 - Phil just sitting while Dan hauls the tree box out. Maybe Dan lost rock-paper-scissors.

10:59 - reminiscing about THE TREE now, which is the last time they decorated on camera

11:09 - why is this a common theme in DITLs!? lol. Love that they’ve lit the candle again after getting home.

11:22 - “stop doing that” as he can’t control his giggles. sure.

12:03 - okay, Phil had to go get the other decorations! The “Christmas faces” are slightly horrifying

12:22 - that is the most horrifying. also, Dan and Phil themed toys/decor even in the bathroom.

13:02 - Dan’s little messed up piece of hair in the back is so cute. Also love that they have the garlands up and everything at this point too.

13:19 - even more quiff-Phil!

13:31 - their fridge contents are not great

14:04 - unexpected filming but a huge grin anyway from Phil. Also, how do they make just answering the door so awkward, lol. Also: what is that picture in the background in the bathroom(?)

14:32 - they’re so excited about this set up and dinner plan

14:43 - and now glasses Phil! Also, arguing about wrapping neatness. I love it. Although when we see Phil’s wrapping in a minute, I think I might agree with Dan...

15:03 - PJ will end up with one of these face banks

15:10 - Phil came up with some decent gifts for Kath this time, although he didn’t think she had good ideas.

15:18 - I find it so cute that Dan wants to keep the cookbook

15:30 - Dan looks almost embarrassed to share this. He’s also got something “12 Days of Christmas” themed in that blue box on the chair. Although apparently a lot of his family just wanted money.

15:37 - I have no words for Dan filming this closeup and then them choosing to keep it in the video.

16:16 - Phil’s trying to be all serious with his wrapping tutorial and then the tape just immediately falls. 😂

16:40 - “it’s endearing” Dan does look pretty endeared, lol. Dan’s concerned because the face banks are actually gifts from both of them, at least according to PJ

17:04 - wow, Vine mention

17:25 - Dan’s just expecting Phil to come up with a great pun on the spot. Also, the lobster thing is an old reference.

17:39 - I think I mentioned this in the last DITL post, but I like that we do see even in a short video that they spend some time alone. That’s just so normal, especially for introverts even when you’re that comfortable with someone.

17:45 - Phil will keep reading that book over the holidays

17:48 - we did see the inside of the chest. So what is Dan implying here, lol.

17:52 - well then. Dan’s giggly face though.

18:08 - soft piano Dan 😭

18:25 - Ariana Grande had sent them both cat ears after they met her for the radio show

18:37 - a glimpse at the early gaming channel set-up.

18:46 - we don’t actually see that footage in the gaming video

18:51 - it must be pretty late at night by this point considering it was dark when they came home 

19:15 - Phil’s first instinct is to throw it of course

19:18 - this face and the sweater paws. I can’t. 😭

19:25 - and of course a joint ending. 

19:40 - Dan is so sleepy and happy seeming here

20:13 - awwww 🥺 The last video of 2014!

One difference from the first two DITL is they don’t even pretend that they’re going to see other friends/invite someone over. Just the two of them hanging out and they seem quite happy with that. This is probably the most “domestic” of the DITL videos. I love it so much.

Phil went to his parents’ on the 23rd to celebrate Christmas. He had Swedish food, was very excited as usual, got a stocking with a toothbrush and animal socks, and watched Guardians of the Galaxy. Dan went to his family’s on the evening of the 24th after a candle incident (lol, though I love that he was burning the candles even without Phil there. He started the tradition of yearly Christmas pictures of Colin. And also posted this.

On to the 2015 videos, and the start of the TABINOF/TATINOF era!

[clumsytornado]

ML HM SIDE NINO AU

(Yes I know the title sucks but I'll think of something better)

Nino felt lonely.

This is the 12th time Alya has ditched him and he's exhausted of listening to her excuses about how she has to babysit her sisters when she doesn't have to.

He knows she's lying to him. He went to suprise her at her house and found Nora with the twins and Nora clearly confused since she thought Alya was with him.

He's not confronted her as of yet because she probably has a good reason for it. What makes it worse is Adrien isn't free to hang out with him either.

Or so he says.

Nino isn't stupid and Paris isn't large. It's easy to spot a blonde model talking to a certain bluenette( Not Marinette). Nino's happy Adrien has a friend in Kagami, he just wishes Adrien could tell him that instead of lying which Adrien does really well.

The lies flow smoothly out of his best friend's tongue just as easy as it was to breathe. Nino's seen him lie and honestly Adrien can convince anyone about anything. It's terrifying and amazing at the same time.

Sometimes it even fools Nino. Sometimes.

Ironically he doesn't even know if Adrien is dating Kagami and he's his best friend. He doesn't even know how to ask Adrien about it and shouldn't Adrien tell him about it?

After a week of overthinking about it he finally decides to ask Adrien about it when Alya of all people tells him that Adrien and Kagami broke up.

And he didn't even know they were dating.

He wonders why Adrien doesn't tell him. He wonders if Adrien is even affected by it because if you see the smile on his face, you'll be fooled.

He did ask Adrien about it but he said it was fine and brushed him away.

Nino had to admit it hurt but he understood, Adrien needs his own space and anyway Nino blames Gabriel Agreste for it.

Gabriel Agreste.

Nino doesn't know where to start but he knows if he does, he risks getting akumatised and he doesn't want that to happen again, not after last time.

Alya told him about a him being a sentimonster and how his senti self would have done something had it not been for Ladybug's quick thinking.

What's bad is the fact that Hawkmoth knows his identity and he used him to get to Ladybug. He won't blame Ladybug for not trusting him again.

Maybe that's why Alya is avoiding him. She's afraid.

It's the worst thought Nino could have had. He still doesn't even understand the sentimonster concept. And how does Hawkmoth have 2 miraculouses? It's confusing and depressing at the same time.

He pushes all these emotions down and listens to his music, while on the bridge. He cannot risk getting akumatised. He is done letting people down.

That's before he spots Rena Rouge and LB on the roof of a nearby building. It's suprising how close they've become or how Rena joins for every villain fight or the fact that Alya keeps lying to him eventhough he knows her identity.

He frowns before noticing a presence behind him.

He turns only to find Chat Noir looking at the duo on the roof as well.

Looks like he's not the only one who's been mislead nowdays.

"Hey Chat Noir", he greets the hero in black.

"Oh hi you're Nino right, the DJ?"

Nino doesn't know whether to be insulted that even after so many encounters Chat Noir isn't sure he's Nino or to be complimented by the fact that Chat remembers he is a DJ.

"Yep I'm the guy who makes music. So what's the hero of Paris doing talking with me and not by Ladybug's side?" he asks curious to know the answer.

"Aah well Ladybug kind of defeated the akumatised villain before I arrived so I guess i have free time now", he replies hand behind on his neck and laughing weakly.

Nino can see plainly behind his happy face. He's clearly upset but pretending not to be. Hmmmm reminds him of someone.

Chat's looking back at the fox and bug duo and his smile drops for a second. It's so subtle and lasts for such a shirt time you would miss it if you weren't watching him closely.

Nino can empathise with him and decides that since he's all alone, with Adrien doing something and Alya ditching him (even his brother Chris is on a field trip with his mom) ,he asks Chat if he wants to hang out since he has nothing to do.

He didn't even get to hang out with Chat even when he was Carapace. This might give him a chance to actually talk to the hero without the looming threat of an akuma.

Happily, Chat agrees.

While talking with Chat he figures out they have a lot of interests in common and he even let's Chat to listen to his music which Chat appreciates.

Nino's just so glad to finally have someone to talk to that he doesn't realise he's telling Chat about Alya ditching him( well not the Rena part) and Adrien never showing up.

It's kind of a relief to talk to someone who's not Alya or Adrien about these kind of things because well they wouldn't understand and he doesn't want them to know.

"So this guy Adrien he keeps leaving you hanging", Chat asks his head away from Nino.

"It's not his fault though. It's his father's fault for keeping him cooped up in the swanky mansion all day. I mean the boy needs sunlight" Nino jokes and Chat chuckles at him.

"But really the dude has a schedule of the next 3 years planned out and has absolutely no free time", Nino complains to Chat.

He still has free time to see Kagami and Marinette and anyone else who isn't you.

He pushes that thought down. No he is not doing that right now.

"I think all you have to do is talk to your friend about it. Things will go back to normal in no time" Chat replies enthusiastically.

Nino wished he shared Chat's optimism because he didn't.

"It's not just that. It's the fact that even if I do ask him something, he'll find a way to deflect the question and continue talking about some other topic. What makes it worse is his this extraordinary ability to lie. It even fools me! And what makes it even worser is that he has to lie to me! I don't know why he has to lie to me, I would support him throughout anything. I'm his best friend. If he can't trust me with his secrets, who can he trust?"

Nino didn't mean to rant but once he started, he couldn't stop and saying it out loud that Adrien didn't trust him, it made him feel more depressed. And that once joyful atmosphere created by Chat's presence deflated.

"It can't be that bad", Chat said, but even he seemed worried and a bit sad.

"I'm sorry for all of that. I shouldn't have said it", Nino sighed his head in his hands.

"Don't sweat it", Chat replied before the shriek of the ring beeping caused both of them to jump.

"Seems like I have to go. Nice talking to you Nino and don't feel bad about it okay", he said it so gently and kindly Nino could almost believe him.

In the distance he saw Alya walking to their agreed meeting spot and she was smiling.

He has to confront her. After all that talking with Chat he has to.

Alya's face beamed when she saw him. His didn't.

"Hey Nino."

"Alya."

"Wait you didn't say hey to me, is there something wrong", she worried looking at him and checking if he had a fever.

"Yes there is, you're an hour late for our date for the twelfth time", he sighed, upset and angry.

"Well you know the twins were-"

He interrupted her before she continued to make up her fictional lie.

"Cut the crap Alya, I saw Rena on the roof with Ladybug. If you didn't want me to find out you shouldn't have gone to a roof where everyone can see you", he cried out.

"Oh ummmm well" she stammered.

That's when he saw it.

The miraculous.

She had it with her. She didn't give it back to Ladybug.

"Alya why do you have your fox necklace?"he asks with dread.

Alya froze.

Alya never froze.

"I-I-I " she kept stammering, her eyes never looking at his face.

He let her go on waiting patiently for an explanation.

"I couldn't trust you."

She whispers it so sofly you would think that you were hearing things.

Nino stopped breathing.

If your girlfriend of 2 and a half years and your best friend cannot trust you, who will?

Nino should be angry or upset or even screaming but he's just disappointed in himself.

He can't blame Alya for it. After that recent episode of sentinino he wouldn't trust himself either.

"I'm sorry I keep lying to you but I can't telk you everything because it's too dangerous. Afther what happened last time and then even Ladybug and now Hawkmoth knows and it's so complicated"

She goes on frantically but all Nino hears is that she couldn't trust him and on top of that Adrien doesn't either.

He needs to get away. He needs to be alone.

"Sorry Alya, I -I need to go" he says quickly and turns around to get away. Away from this situation and away from these negative thoughts.

He hears her calling out to him but she doesn't follow him and maybe that's for the better really.

But seems like luck just isn't on his side.

He sees him.

Adrien

Who is supposed to be in a fencing class.

Nino calms himself down and decides not to overthink. The simplest thing is that the class got canceled or ended early or something.

Just to be sure, Nino sends Adrien a text asking him if he's free now.

Nino observes as Adrien receives the text, frowns as he reads it, and sends a reply and puts the phone back.

Nino looks at his own phone just to see that Adrien replied that he's still at his fencing class.

Adrien lied to him.

Nino wants the ground to gulp him whole.

He's not even angry at Alya and Adrien. He's angry at himself for making them not trust him. He's a terrible friend and a boyfriend.

As all those painful emotions and negative thoughts that he pushed down come rushing above and make him feel even worse.

He's so consumed by the self hate that he doesn't see the akuma coming.

Here you go @marichat-ninoir-for-life

[whocalledhimannux]

@peregrer the What. 👀👀👀 *insert John Mulaney gif of "say more right now"*

ok so when I say "the extent to which I've fleshed out the QT GBBO AU in my head is getting to be embarrassing," I truly and deeply mean it, please enjoy 1,900 words of utter ridiculousness.

first, our competitors:

Legarus - performs so poorly that viewers are a bit confused how he got on the show in the first place, a la Jamie (series 10) or that one guy who made a lime and chocolate cake in the first week.

Chloe - nice flavors and good ideas for decorations, but pretty sloppy. was up for elimination in the first week but came back with a great showstopper.

Melheret - good but not as good as he thinks he is (hence his bread week elimination because of sloppy technique), heavy-handed with the alcohol flavoring

Agape - solid competitor, not flashy but tasty + pretty results. I haven't worked out exact week-by-week themes (that would indeed be Too Much) but I imagine this is something like "Dairy" or "Caramel" or "Vegan," some particular element she just happens to not be strong on. viewers are disappointed by her early elimination

Teleus - Dad contestant. brings in a bunch of weird pans and gadgets he made up himself, does pretty well until it comes to Fiddly Foreign Foods he doesn't know (probably eliminated in French or Patisserie week)

Laela - typically has good flavors and pretty designs but technical knowledge is a bit lacking, so there are usually some flaws in the execution and she's often in the bottom half of technicals

Phresine - Grandma contestant. nails the classics but ultimately isn't creative enough to make it further.

Magus - the "Ian (series 6)" flavor of Dad contestant, often brings in foraged ingredients or eggs from his own chickens or whatnot and revives old recipes/flavor combinations no one else knows about. one week, some of those turn out to just be too weird, leading to his elimination.

Sophos - pretty elaborate decorations and good flavors (on the border of classic and new), but he tends to try a million different embellishments on everything and struggles with timing, occasionally to the detriment of technique.

Kamet - always has really interesting and different flavors and tends to do well in technicals especially, assuming he doesn't get overwhelmed. which is... an assumption (Finalist)

Costis - leans towards classic and indulgent flavors, although sometimes a bit sloppy--the kind of contestant where the judges look at his dishes and say "it's a bit of a mess" and then Paul Hollywood starts laughing because it still tastes delicious (Finalist)

Irene - absolutely stunning visually, queen of the technicals, occasionally gets the "style over substance" warning (Winner)

more details below the cut

I've gone back and forth on whether Eugenides should be in it but ultimately I decided no because I wanted to maintain a pre-show relationship between Laela + Kamet (I thought otherwise at first but then I realized I hadn't left Kamet any longterm friends or family for his finalist video and that's depressing af) and Irene and Sophos which to my knowledge hasn't happened once on the show so far? so having a married couple on top of that seems like it would be a stretch, and also then I think I'd need to make Eugenides the winner on principle and you know what? he can stand to be second fiddle to his wife for a little bit. My alternate backstory for him is that he was actually the winner of MasterChef one year (good with knives), so in the first episode Irene's first little chat to camera is something like "my husband's been bugging me for years to try out and I keep telling him he's got a skewed perspective on cooking competitions, finally I applied just to shut him up... and here we are." Her little video introduction is about how baking is a stress relief from her bigshot job. Her decorations tend to be abstract and gorgeous rather than cutesy.

Kamet, likewise, was nagged into applying by Laela, but she very cleverly framed it as she wanted to apply and wanted him to do it to for moral support. both were confident the other would get in and surprised that they did themselves. This is one of those series where everyone's friendships are immediate and obvious and super adorable (cast of series 10 my beloved...), and in particular these two are holding hands in episode 1. Laela's deep blue robe from TaT sticks in my head for whatever reason so I imagine her making an elaborate blue peacock cake or something one week that wins her star baker. somebody always does a peacock something and it's always impressiev.

Phresine is cool as a cucumber under pressure, always has lovely things to say about everyone else's bakes, and is the go-to last-minute helper because she usually comes in under the time. Irene starts out similar but as the weeks go by she starts to feel the pressure a bit more and cuts it a bit close. Sophos is the worst on timings, and mentions his wife at least once an episode. (I also played with him being single on the show and meeting Helen later through Irene and Eugenides, but this idea is too cute to pass up tbh.) Teleus lives with Relius, a fact that isn't mentioned until a few weeks in when he comments that Relius likes a recipe or gave him an idea for a flavor or something (Relius does not bake himself but will happily sample practice bakes), to the surprised delight of every viewer whose favorite contestant is the oldest gay in any given series (me, me, that person is me).

Costis tends to use a lot of chocolate and, as I said, pretty "classic" flavors--one of those people who makes a full English savory bake at some point. He's usually in the top half of the competition but doesn't get the top until one of the later weeks in the competition, which is a Honey themed week, and he absolutely nails it. The delicate decorations of his honey nut cakes and his use of honeycomb are particularly praised and that's the week he gets star baker. One of those bakers who flirts with elimination the first few weeks but noticeably improves over the course of the show.

My most, like, plot-y ideas are about Kamet (SHOCKER). I imagine he was born in Setra (I usually make Setra a non-autonomous region in my AUs) but arrived in Britain as a child due to [Unspecified Crisis] and ended up with foster dad Jeffa, who was roughly from the same region but not Setra itself; whenever Kamet wanted Setran food as a kid, Jeffa would take him to the library to find recipes and that was what sparked his love of baking. He's well-read on the subject and knows about foods from a lot of different cultures, so he's usually heard of the technical challenges even if he hasn't made or eaten them. He does a lot of fusion flavors, and is ALL ABOUT bread week.

I don't usually make the his-relationship-with-Nahuseresh-is-romantic leap in modern AUs but I think it works for this one because of the nature of the format--Nahuseresh doesn't actually appear on camera but is alluded to once or twice, ends up being Very Displeased that Kamet is doing something for himself, and during the week following Laela's elimination they have the fight that makes Kamet realizes this is actually a terrible relationship and he needs to leave now. He calls Laela to let her know what's up and mentions that, since he'll need to stay in a motel and has presumbly lost his job as a secretary (yeah working for your boyfriend is Bad, he's realized that now), he's going to have to drop out of the show. Laela, despite living in a studio flat without room to host him, immediately thinks "um fuck that" and calls Costis, and within an hour Costis and Aris and a few rugby buddies have moved all of Kamet's things into Costis and Aris's flat, where Costis insists that he'll squeeze into Aris's room (they've shared before, it's fine) and that Kamet gets first dibs on the kitchen for all bake off practices.

None of them actually reveal any of this to the show's producers. Kamet gets a little overwhelmed the following week and nearly walks away from the tent, but Costis jumps in to keep his bake from being ruined, and some soothing words from Irene + the hosts calm him down and he returns to finish. The only mention of the Drama comes in the finale, during the longer video clips they do on each of the contestants. Kamet is deliberately vague about the details of the situation, but Aris shows up in both Costis's and Kamet's videos and references the fact that having TWO flatmates in the bake off is a bit difficult because they only have a standard size kitchen, so he hasn't cooked for himself in a month and has been living off cake and savory breads. one of the hosts talks to Kamet in the tent after that clip is shown and he still won't talk about it in more detail, but says that he wanted to tell people so they could appreciate why Costis hasn't practiced as much the last few weeks (the judges scolded him for winging it a couple of times), and admits that he totally copied some of Costis's techniques for honey week based on watching him at home.

I imagine the finale task is something like an illusion cake--probably with a bunch of additional required elements because the show has been going bonkers with the finale showstoppers in the newer seasons--and Irene wins with a jewelry box containing, among other things, ruby earrings made out of candy. Kamet does a stepwell, and Costis does something architectural (I was thinking castle but something visibly Greek-ish so maybe a temple or a megaron? idk). Irene wins but they're all BFFs and that's obvious, so everyone's delighted for her. The little montage at the end reveals that Irene + Gen are expecting twins, that everybody hangs out all the time, and that Costis + co recently helped Kamet move into his own flat where he's now working on a novel (Immakuk and Ennikar inspired, obvi, leaning heavily on the honey-shared-on-the-road thing and including some recipes that actually work in the narration, albeit still written in an ancient-novel-like-way).

[Obviously not part of the show, but when Kamet mentions that it's time for him to look for his own place, Costis tries to v awkwardly invite him to stay forever and Kamet is like "nope I've got to try this on my own but yes we will go on a date once I've moved out and see how it goes from there."]

[This is so far beyond the scope of the show but also several of them go on to have more baking-related careers and have active social media presences and at one point they're all hanging out and Eugenides pulls out a camera and demands they all produce baking pick-up lines. Teleus refuses and also doesn't believe anyone knows baking pick-up lines off the top of their head or could make them up on the spot. Sophos sort of proves him right by coming up with "you're the apple of my pie," which Eugenides instantly mocks because Sophos's three greatest loves are baking, Helen, and poetry, and that's the best he can do? Helen comes up with "I like my cake the way I like my men--rich, sweet, and bright red," to which Sophos blushes on cue. Irene's is "when I'm with you, I feel like chocolate heated to 50 degrees--I struggle to maintain my temper." Eugenides protests this is more like an anti-pickup line. Irene insists this is the most accurate marriage-related baking pun anyone could ever come up with.

[Laela's is "You and I are like custard--I hope we never split." Kamet's is "You remind me of bread, because I knead you." Costis freezes for a minute and finally comes up with "Fancy a cream horn?" which produces a lot of giggling and makes Kamet slap his arm in such a way that, hen Eugenides posts this video to instagram, fans of the show all go WAIT ARE THEY DATING NOW] [by this point, yes they are] [I didn't even have to google baking pickup lines for this, guys, I legit came up with them on my own, please clap.]

am I obsessed? I might be obsessed

[ackermanshoe]

March comes in like a lion, it's Portrayal of toxic & healthy relationship and how to compares rivamika + Ereh

Que the longest title everr 😌✨

So before I start on the actual analysis, I recently started watching March comes in like a lion instead of doing my assignments and I half way through season 2. For those of you who haven't watched it, it might be a spoilers so beware of that.

In this analysis I'll be comparing the similarities I found between Rei, Hina and Kyoko.

So watching any anime after being do emotionally attached to rivamika it's only natural that I compare them to the characters with even the tiniest bit similarities in their dynamic but Rei and hina's relationship jump in episode 4 of season 2 really caught me off guard and I was like omg?? Rivamika?? How do I make this about them 😩

Anyway so a little background on Rei's relationship with both girls Kyoko and Hina ( Hinata ). Firstly, i subconsciously placed Rei has Mikasa, kyoko has Eren and Hina as Levi, why? You will know on a minute. Rei is a depressed kid who has known only one way of life and that's through shogi games and after his parents death ( cough cough ) he was taken in by a old friend ( I think ) of his dad's who was also obsessed with shogi. Kyoko is the biological daughter of this man who has "adopted" Rei and later on Rei was came to know Hina and her sisters, they were super supportive of him from the start and having lost family members themselves they related to him on a personal level.

So you see why Eren and mikasa's dynamic matches with Rei and Kyoko and not only as "step siblings" it's also the fact that Rei became somewhat obsessed with her through the time he had spent over at their house, it's toxic and it's been showcased that way ever since kyoko was introduced into the series. Rei thought of her when he heard the word "love" and he even admitted to the fact that having her around is toxic and yet he can't push her away. He said he does not want to stop hearing her voice even tho she , herself is in love with a much older man who is married. Everytime she showed up to his bedroom uninvited and slept next to him my mind went "he is in love with her and their relationship is so toxic why does the author keep bringing her into his life?" Or "girl get the fuck away from him".

Without even thinking too much deep into their physical connection I already knew I would be able to related this dynamic to Eren and Mikasa. Although this series gives us much more depth into the main characters views since it's narrated from his own perspective, and the fact that he metaphorically compared his feelings of being lost and sadness helps me as an audience to understand what's happening much much easier than attack on titan. I personally feel like this kind of series are usually short ( idk how long this is) because it feels like the author knows exactly what he is going for, everything is set in stone.

Going back to Rei's ( mikasa's) relationship with kyoko ( Eren ) it's much much clear how toxic it had become for him in more than just one way. And the show isn't denying Rei of his feelings towards Kyoko and it's not even attempting to distant him from her and yet you just knew there had to be someone better right? That's when they introduced Hina and Kyoko in the same episode, meeting each other and a sense of invisible rivalry gushed over them, especially Hina. She is a happy go lucky girl and extremely sensitive to things to the point it kinda annoys me everytime she bursts out crying ( but hey you can't hate a genuinely good character ).

That's where things get interesting for me maybe because I am on that Levi X Mikasa agenda all the time but just like rivamika their relationship has been portrayed as platonic for the longest time in the seaosns. If I didn't go out of way to search up who Rei falls in love with and it didn't say hina's name I probably wouldn't be making this comparison right now because who wants to have their heart broken for the 2nd time in the same fucking month 🙄.

Anyway so in this one episode Hina comes home crying because of bullying issue at school and as she runs off into the dark streets Rei chases her and eventually catching up to her takes her hand and being able to relate to her problems, comparing his younger self to her present Rei reaches out his hand and God fucking damn it he says "you saved my life..I promise I'll stay with you" ofc I'm making this post now you know the real reason 🤡.

The unseen build up that happen between them reminds me of rivamika, the Portrayal of healthy relationship is rivamika. Hina (in our case Levi ) to Rei is the voice of emotion, she speaks out the feelings that Rei has been surpassing all these years inside of him. Just like how we talked about Levi is the voice of reason, while Mikasa has the impulsive urge to act up. Just like how Levi became the perosn who reasonably always took mikasa's side, he gave her personal reasons to take Erens side everytime have an actual meaning towards the scouts / everyone , he then became someone Mikasa was able to object & voice out her opinion towards because she knew that he would response and guide her the right way and finally he became someone she was able to fully trust.

Much like Hina and Rei, when Hina cried out her heart and Rei couldn't help but go back to his past self and imagine Hina coming to him and giving him a hand, being his saviour. It's much like how Levi saw his past self in Mikasa present ( S1 ), Levi gave Mikasa the hand she needed when she didn't know she needed.

Hina despite being much younger than him, was able to make him realise that he too was shutting out his emotions and was able to let himself be free through Hina when she cried, expressing her frustrations and very human like emotions. In the forest of the giant trees when Mikasa and Levi saved Eren for the first time he told her " we got your precious friend, didn't we?" A slight wake up call he had given her for the very first time, an attack on Mikasa's ego and evoking a different emotions within her. Like telling her it's not only about Eren and getting revenge, risking your life so easily, Levi had lost his entire squad in order to protect Eren so now that he is safe they better leave now.

So the question is did Levi and Mikasa save each other?

What can I say that I haven't said already in here about these two?

"you saved my life" Rei says to Hina as he reached out her hand and the beauty of that scene was the fact that it was delicate and soft despite it not being anything romantic. Remind me of that panel of Mikasa touching Levi's shoulder. How ironic is the fact that I'm comparing Hina, a openly emotional character to Levi who is said to be the most emotional inside?

Levi physically saved Mikasa a lot of the time however emotionally Levi saved Mikasa from being selfish and from herself. What if I said and ignoring 139, that Levi was one of of the biggest reasons Mikasa took the initiative and decapitated Eren that day?

Wait why does it feel like I already said it before lol

Through Levi, Mikasa learnt to trust more, learnt that even though they gave difference not only in height, age and in how they treat Eren ( Levi with force and Mikasa with care ), Mikasa still came in terms with Levi and relied on him, shared her burden with him. I think that's the biggest character twist Mikasa had, the fact that she was ready to draw sword at anyone who treated Eren wrong and everyone was scared of her and then came the grumpy shorty who beat her beloved brother right in front of her but eventually he became the biggest form of support she had in the end. I just can not help but laugh at all the unseen development this ship has had and all the implication of Futher interaction after season 3 between them, it's really obvious they had something going on because imagine you don't talk to someone for like 3 years and suddenly when you engage in battle against , paired up with them suddenly you become the strongest duo known to humanity. +?)!#)# make it make sense.

Sooo now you see the that having toxic relationship with a partner is only natural and inevitable but growing from that, opening your eyes to those who actually care there for you is rather healthy. So moral of the story is guys make sure stick with those who tells you to stay with them, the end.

Omg guys this turned out so much longer than I intended, anyway hopefully y'all liked it. I know it's not the strongest comparison or analysis but I feel like I'm running out of words for what I want to say about rivamika it feels like I'm recycling my sentences from previous analysis over and over again because ✨ lack of content ✨ and my inability to think of something new.

Please ignore all my spelling mistakes I have decided to embrace my mistakes instead of fixing them simply because I'm too lazy 😉

💜💜💜

[soupthatistohot]

Why do I write primarily mlm fanfic?

This was something I asked myself the other day. I am a girl, I think I'm queer (but I am attracted to men, whatever I am), so why do I fixate on mlm relationships? Why do I never feel compelled to write wlw or even just some good 'ol straight stuff? I brought this up to a few friends of mine who also watch anime. One of them said that it’s because lots of popular media only really focuses on developing their male characters well, and I think this to be a very suitable explanation (as well as the fact that I’m queer and thus gravitate towards queer stories).

Take Sk8 the Infinity for example. I could count the number of female characters in this anime on one hand, and one of them is a robot. The others are supporting roles who only serve to support the male main characters. I love Sk8 very much, and with the possibility of a 2nd season I’d love to see a prominent, well-developed female character (but if they make her Reki’s love interest I will literally stab someone). But as the anime stands right now, there are no female characters that aren't just basically plot devices.

Another show I love dearly, Yuri!!! on Ice, is much the same. While there can be more of an argument made here because 1) competitive figure skating is split up between men and women, and 2) I believe that the story Yuuri and Victor is absolutely meant to be a romance, so having the two men as the focus is somewhat necessary, there's an overwhelming lack of fleshed-out women in the story. All the female characters are supporting members that only exist for the benefit of male characters. Yuuko and Minako support Yuuri, Lilia exists so Yuri P. can improve, Mila is just... kind of there, and Sara's whole character is centered around her brother being overprotective of her.

Okay, so let's look at something a little less... fruity. Horimiya. I've only watched the anime, so if there's stuff I miss from not having read the manga (yet), please forgive me. I still think this is a valid perspective, though, because if there's female development that the creators decided was so unimportant that it could be cut, that still supports my point here. In my opinion, Miyamura is a lot more developed than Hori. He has his tragic backstory of being a loner, and having his secret piercings and tattoos and all that. A lot of the story ends up focusing on his side of things... despite the fact that Hori is the protagonist. The story follows her perspective for the most part, we learn things about Miyamura as she does, yet I feel like she's a bit dull. She has a uncommon home life and has to take care of her younger brother, that's her big bad secret? I get that it's kind of unexpected since she's the pretty, perfect, popular girl, but I still feel like it's a tad anticlimactic. It's hardly ever addressed beyond the first few episodes, too, and it just kind of exists as a fact within the story. Even beyond our main couple, it seems like the other female characters development and stories are all focused on the boy they're interested in (except for Sawada, but she's there for like a couple of episodes and then doesn't really show up all that much again... and her crush on Hori is handled really weird, I didn't exactly love it). Remi's entire character is pretty much centered around her boyfriend, and Sakura and Yuki are basically competing for Toru. Meanwhile, the guys have story beats themed around the girls they're interested in, but I feel like it's not as obsessive or dramatic as how the girls are depicted.

So, we're given these female characters, who are really watered-down and honestly kind of boring, and we're not super compelled to write about them. When we are given flat female characters, there's nothing to work with. It's more fun to use the characters who have had development and play around with the "what ifs" and our own personal headcannons. The characters who get this special treatment are primarily male. And while I commend a lot of shows for developing their male characters in such a way that doesn't exactly fit with society's idea of masculinity (ex: Reki's insecurities and depression, Yuuri's anxiety and femininity, Miyamura's isolation and depression), in the end these characters are still boys, men, males.

I also think mlm is so prominent because of both straight girls and queer people. For straight girls, it can often be fetishization (forgive my generalizing, I'm sure not all straight girls are like that, but an overwhelming amount definitely are). I think one of the best examples I can give for this is Phan. This is a bit different since it's not anime, but instead real people, but if anything that really drives home the point even more. The way Dan and Phil were (and probably still are) treated in the fandom internet space is disturbing, to say the least. Their audience, while much of it was queer, was also made up of an overwhelming amount of heterosexual girls who not only shipped them intensely, but also often sexualized them. And look, there's nothing inherently wrong with being a straight girl and writing smut, but it gets to a point where it can be kind of weird if its excessive. Like, if that's all the relationship is really about, and if the people you're writing about are real human beings, that's definitely overstepping. I will admit that I had a Wattpad and that I wrote Phanfic way back when, and this is something I'm not exactly proud of. Granted, I did not write anything explicit, it was still super weird, whether or not I was queer. And I'm not saying all the problematic aspects of the Phandom were because of straight girls, because what I contributed was arguably problematic, and I did not identify as straight at the time. At the same time, though, there were straight girls who wrote exclusively smut (or "lemons" as they might've been referred to at the time). There were those who analyzed every post, every bit of information they could find about these men on the internet. They obsessed over the fact that they occasionally shared clothes (which is fairly common for roomates of similar sizes to do), and gathered evidence to support the theory that they shared a bed. It was bad. It was invasive, and it got to the point where it wasn't about the people, it was about the fetishized fantasy these girls made up in their heads about these real, actual men.

Dan and Phil's online presence kind of disappeared for a few years... and I don't blame them.

Getting back on track, mlm is prominent for queer people because it's the LGBT representation they so desperately want to see actualized in media. If a show doesn't make their favorite queer ship canon (and they often don't), they'll do it themselves! That's what fanfic is for! I also know that queer people project onto these characters a lot, and that writing about them is almost like a form of therapy. They see these characters as queer, and they see themselves in these characters, so they write about these characters experiencing similar emotions to them. The thing is, the most compelling characters are male, so those are the characters they end up focusing on, even if the person in question is strictly sapphic. My best example is how I project onto Reki. Personally, I end up thinking of him as (and thus end up writing him as) having some internalized homophobia around being bisexual. That's literally what I am currently going through. I can't project this onto any of the female characters in Sk8, because I couldn't see them going through this experience because they're not developed enough to.

Despite all of this, I still enjoy all of the shows I mention a lot. I think it's just an interesting topic that I was thinking about. I'm not trying to bash anything that I used as an example, these were just my personal observations based off of what I know about these shows and their fandoms. I do, though, believe shipping real people isn't super cool, and I stand by that as someone who used to do it. I'm not going to stop you... I just think it's intrusive and inappropriate to pretend like you know enough about influencers to dictate who they should be involved with romantically. Their love life is, frankly, none of your damn business.

So, long story short, we should make anime (and popular media in general) less misogynistic.

(Also, please leave Dan and Phil alone, they deserve privacy)

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Top 5 Reasons Doug’s Pretty Great

It’s hard to believe that it’s been nine years since the first episode of S1 was released. I can still remember be a wee little lass first discovering it on youtube and becoming obsessed. At the time, I had no where to play it myself, so I watched as many playthroughs as I could until my family got an xbox. 

While the first episode in this series has a lot of memorable moments, the one that always stands out in people’s memories is the moment where you’re trying to escape the drugstore as walkers pound away at the door and windows, and you realize that both Carley and Doug need your help or they’re going to die. 

But... you can only save one, and whoever you don’t help, they end up being eaten alive by walkers and you get to feel bad about it for the rest of the episode. 

I bring this up because it’s interesting to look back nine years ago and see that... well, not a lot of people saved Doug. Which is crazy, because now the stats are pretty 50/50 with Doug even having a bit of an edge over Carley. That definitely wasn’t the case back then because the stats were more along the line of 20/80.

Why? Well, the writer’s didn’t exactly do the best job of showing how great Doug is in ep1, especially compared to Carley who has more interactions with Lee and more screen time.... which is even funnier because they did actually think they did a good job and were surprised by the results after the episode’s release.

Even back then they had a habit of making imbalanced routes then denying the imbalance... something they never grew out of. 

I guess they were a little butthurt about it since Doug is a favorite among the team given that he’s actually based on a real person, Doug Tabacco, an IT guy they worked with. This got to the point where Telltale never missed an opportunity to tell everyone to #SaveDoug over Carley.

I also love that they use the Stranger to guilt trip everyone who saved Carley by having him be like, “Doug was in a worse position! >:( You only saved Carley because she was a pretty girl!!” just.... real subtle, guys haha

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that more often than not, I choose to save Carley over Doug for many reasons, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate Doug and enjoy having him around in the off chance I do save him. So I thought it’d be fun to talk about Doug as a character and why he was pretty great as a little tribute, y’know? 

5. Doug’s a pretty funny dude

Now, I wouldn’t exactly call twdg a comedy, y’know? It gets dark, then manages to get even darker at times, but if the game was nothing but doom and gloom, it’d get boring and become unenjoyable. 

While other characters do get a laugh out of me from time to time, I enjoy the humor that Doug brings to the group, even if it’s not intentional and just the way he is. 

Even from the beginning, Doug had me chuckling with the fact that this nerdy dude didn’t want to bring profanity to Lee’s ears when talking about Larry, so he’s just like “ He's kind of a dick... pardon my french,” like Doug.... it’s okay, you can call him an asshole, no one will judge hahaha.

Then there’s the biscuit scene that I think we all know and love. Helps break the tension of meeting these weirdo’s who own a dairy and are totally not suspicious or anything. 

But it’s not even just that Doug is funny, he’s also a character that gets you to crack a smile when he’s talking about something he’s passionate about, or when he’s proud of the alarm he rigged up, or when he’s being adorably awkward. 

One of my favorites is in ep3 when Lee goes to ask Doug if he has any chalk, and he goes into this spiel about charcoal-- “You know, a piece of charcoal is a suitable alternative, depending on your marking surface. Since we're on the subject, did you know that while chalk is traditionally known to be calcium carbonate, what's often used in classrooms is actually made of gypsum, thanks to favorable domestic mining conditions?”

And Lee’s response is just-- “Doug, I did not know that.”

“Happy to be of service.”

It’s just really funny... and it makes you feel better after all the implications about Doug’s mental health in the episode... like you gave him a moment to flex his knowledge and get excited about it. 

But yeah, what can I say? Doug makes me laugh and he brings a bit of light to the groups constant shitshow. 

4. Doug saved the group’s ass at the St John farm

And he did so with a laser pointer. 

I always hate it when Doug/Carley leave the group at the St Johns and remain absent for most of the episode, though I chalk that up to the writers trying to make the different routes easier on themselves, y’know? 

But, at least they come back to save the day. 

In Doug’s case, he’s not comfortable with guns like Carley is, so he’s gotta get creative when it comes to getting Lee’s attention and stopping Andy from hurting Duck and Lee. 

That’s where his fancy little laser pointer comes in. 

We first see him with it during the walk to the farm, but then see it in action after Lee escapes the barn and is nearly blinded by the light. Doug claims he was doing morse code before Lee tells him and Ben that these assholes cut off Mark’s legs and tried to feed them to the group. 

Now, here’s the thing... If Doug and Ben had done what they were told and stayed at the motor inn over night, things probably wouldn’t have turned out so good for the group. Doug is the one who shines the laser pointer in Andy’s eyes when he’s got ahold of Duck, giving Lee the advantage of attack. Without that, if Lee tried anything, he would’ve ended up like dingdong Kenny with a bullet in his side. 

Also there’s just a lot of bravery from Doug, y’know? Like as soon as he finds Lee and knows the situation, the first thing he asks is what can they do to help, and he sticks around to do what he can.... even if it is just to point a laser in someone’s eye. 

No one gives Doug enough credit for savin’ the day, y’know? And if you have any doubt, even Lee says, “I never thought a laser pointer would be the thing that saved our lives.”

3. Doug’s friendship with Lee

Speaking of Lee, his friendship with Doug is underrated. The two have chemistry and work off each other well in the scene’s they’re in. While it’s not as strong as Carley’s in ep1, saving Doug and having around in ep2 & ep3 lets you see it at it’s best, y’know? 

After Lee saves his life at the drugstore, Doug is shown to mourn Carley and asks Lee why he would pick him, lamenting that he wished he had picked her over him and you can tell that Doug feels that he owes Lee a lot for saving him. Hell, he even says as much when Lee tries to give him food in ep2-- “Why don't you keep my share today. I know I said it didn't matter why you saved me and not Carley, but... I owe you a lot more than half a day's rations."

Also, I love this one line from Kenny when you’re on bad terms with him and they’re talking about going separate ways where he’s basically like “We all know Doug’s gonna stay with you because you saved him that ONE time >:(” and on top of it being such a bitchy Kenny line, it also shows that every can see that Doug is a loyal friend to Lee and would want to stick with him where ever he decides to go. 

One thing that I think people tend to overlook, though, is how concerned Lee is with Doug’s mental health in ep3. There are implications that Doug might be suffering with depression due to the situation of the walkers, bandits harrassing and threatening them, and believing that he isn’t useful to the group, stating that he feel pretty worthless. Lee asks Clementine if he seems sad, and hell, he even talks to Lilly about it.

In fact, speaking of Clementine, Doug is real sweet with her, too. Of course, he gives her those batteries for her walkie, but he also asks about how she’s doing as they’re leaving the dairy. Hell, 8 years later, Clementine still remembers him by name and how sweet he was when fucking dingdong Lilly can’t remember his damn name. That says a lot. 

Y’all know how important Clementine is to Lee, so he wouldn’t have grown as close to Doug if he wasn’t a genuinely good person who treated Clementine with kindess. 

I dunno, there’s a lot of trust and care between the two and it’s a relationship that I truly love. I just wish we could’ve seen a bit more of it but y’know...#2 happened. 

2. Doug saved Ben’s life

Yeah, I think we all saw this coming...

Look, doesn’t matter what you think about Ben, okay? Not what we’re talkin’ about. We’re talkin’ about Doug saving Ben’s life, which unfortunately meant ending his own.

Still haven’t forgiven Lilly for this one. Though I’ve always found the difference between Doug and Carley’s death’s interesting. With Carley, Lilly intentionally kills her after Carley tells her off. But with Doug, Lilly was aiming for Ben and even when Doug pulled him out of the way, she still fired the gun... even though she didn’t have a clear shot and ended up hitting Doug. 

Then she tries to play it off like it was an accident which, yeah I guess it was but that doesn’t change that you were intending to murder this 6ft tall child. 

It’s just... I dunno, man, it’s sad. I always feel more sorrow for Doug’s death, but more anger for Carley’s? Even though both make me angry, it’s just different characters, different things that led to their deaths, different feelings. This is the first real “Fuck you, Lilly” moment for me and she can spend the next 8 years wandering around for all I can. 

Doug didn’t deserve this shit. 

But, the reason I put this at #2 because it really says a lot about Doug as a character. The second he saw Lilly aim that gun, he yanked Ben out of the way. He could’ve gone into shock, he could’ve just yelled “no!”, or he could’ve gone at Lilly instead.... but no, his first instinct was to grab Ben and move himself in front and it really fucking sucks that that’s what killed him. 

And y’know this isn’t the first time Doug has put himself in danger to save someone. I already talked about him saving everyone at the dairy, but can we not forget how he and Carley met? She was gonna get eaten by walkers then our big hero Doug came in and saved her?? Didn’t know her or anything, just saw her and her crew getting attacked and did what he could to save any survivors?? 

Like... no one talks about that because it’s so played off and never brought up again and I need everyone to remember this, okay? 

Doug selflessly putting himself in danger to help those around him? Fantastic. Beautiful. Love that.

1. Look, Doug himself is just #1. His personality, intelligence, everything.

Wow, Doug’s personality being the #1 reason he’s so great? Who woulda thought?

Well, ME woulda thought because obviously.

Listen... in case you haven’t gather this from the previous four entries, Doug is an intelligent, awkward, caring, selfless, funny, and brave man, okay? He’s likable, he tries his damnedest to pull his weight for the group, he shows actual loyalty and kindness unlike some people, and when he tends to avoid the constant Lilly and Kenny conflicts, he does his best to step in when things take a serious turn, hence the Ben situation. 

No to mention the dude is smart. 

I mean, he really took a random remote and was like, “Oh it’s universal, let me just program it to work on ALL the random TV’s across the street as a way to distract these walkers!” like dude.... you just know how to do that, huh? 

Or his fun little bell trap that alerts the groups of strangers and walkers? Oh, and remember when he fixed the RV by hitting it with a fucking hammer and was like “It works now, drive!” 

And have I mentioned that he bested Andy St John with a goddamn laser pointer?? 

Oh, also wanna add that I really like his voice acting, as well. He’s voiced by Sam Joan, who does a good job at selling Doug’s soft-spoken but intelligent nature, and knows how to pull off “dorky” when needed... and I mean that in a good way, when he’s talking about charcoal Doug is being a dork and I love him.

I mean... what else is there to say?

All that’s left to do is pull a Telltale and--

#SaveDoug

---

Honorable Mentions

-Doug is a pie guy, going off of that time he named all the different kinds of pie he could thing of and I feel that.  -He’s a very fashionable person. I want that weird polar bear deer thing shirt he wears in ep1.  -also, you can’t go wrong with socks and sandals, my dude.  -He had a crush on Carley and honestly, I feel that, too. 

---

There it is, there’s my whole thing about Doug. What are your thoughts? When it comes to that choice in ep1 of s1, do you save Doug or do you save Carley? Do you agree or disagree with any of my choices for this list? Or have anything to add? I’m always down to chat.

Have any suggestions for future T5F’s? Feel free to send ‘em in! :D

—

Next week’s T5F

[i-just-want-more-yubel]

SO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT JIM AND JUDAI REAL QUICK BECAUSE OH MY GOD BUT DO I LOVE THIS

this is also going under a cut tumblrs letting me do it again yay because its going to be a LONG ASS post. Mentions of mental health and self harm involved.

So while I wouldn’t say that Jim is Judais closest friend in the series not least for the fact that most of their relationship building happens in a handful of episodes and in flashbacks I would absolutely argue that Jim is one of Judais GREATEST  friends Which sounds like a contradiction so what does that even mean? If you have a CLOSE friend it’s someone you enjoy being around, but if you have a friend who's GOOD for you they’re someone who makes sure you're okay as well. They’re the friend who notices you’re going to far at the bar and makes sure you get home instead of letting you pass out on the road, They’re the friend who listens to you when you’re upset.  They’re the friend who takes the knife away when you’re hurting yourself.

In my opinion this is what Jim is for Judai.

Through the entire Supreme king portion of GX Jim is the one who has faith in Judai being able to get back to a good mental place - and not just has faith but actively works to make it happen though this is later picked up by O’brien.  This is opposed to Sho - who literally just stands around documenting Judai murdering people and calls it proof of caring in what might be the worst relationship advice I’ve ever seen with my own two eyes given by Judai himself. I am however also willing to give him some leeway here because again he IS cursed by that sorrow spell during this.

Not even Edo - who literally has experience with people he knows and is very close to being possessed by destructive forces - expresses much past curiosity and concern for Judai and suspicion for how fast the changes happen. He does participate in the intervention mission once it’s started however.  Honourable trash mention to Ryo in this bit for being arguably worse than Sho because he has no curse excuse and just vaguely judges Judai from a distance for his mental breakdown until the moment he dies. Stellar.

Back to Jim however the guy just flat out refuses to give up on Judai, telling O’brien when asked 

which might be my FAVOURITE reason in an anime ever to befriend someone - Jim didn’t need a shared spirit sight to connect to Judai, or an amazing duel to see Judais worth or some crazy world saving deed to consider him a valuable person, Jims Crocodile Karen liked Judai so Jim talked to him and decided he liked Judai too - for Judai this makes Jim one of only two people in the ENTIRE FOUR SEASONS OF GX that decide they like Judai just for Judais personality. (The other is Johan) I’m leaving out Yubel because we don't actually know very much about their first life and therefore how the friendship/literal undying love/soulmate thing they’ve got going on started.

Also interesting to me is the reaction Judai has to Jim being pinned by his advisors on the walls of the castle after accepting Jims challenge.

This guy just UP AND LEAVES

Giving O’brien the opportunity he needs to create an escape opportunity

and then tells his advisors to LET THEM GO all of whom seem very surprised by this choice - which considering this is the Judai that GENOCIDED AN ENTIRE MINI PLANE OF REALITY no shit they’re a bit shocked.

This is interesting to me because it implies that Jim and O’brien are mostly likely the first - and probably ONLY people the Supreme king ever makes the decision to let go - especially surprising when you consider Judai was specifically rounding up strong duelists and seemingly every duelist besides he could get his hands on to power super polymerisation. The argument could be made that Judai HAD super pol. at this point but he continues his campaign against the dimension regardless so I don’t think he’d have any reservations about wiping out two more people who clearly don’t agree with him a little sooner than the rest if they didn’t matter to him. Jim arrives back to duel Judai again pretty quickly after regrouping from the shock and not only does Judai arrive down pretty DAMN fast to answer him he doesn’t look happy about Jim being back to challenge him - his eyes overcast in the only moment I think we ever see of the supreme king doing anything but staring in irritation or dismissal at anyone.

Nearly every other time we see the supreme king he has the following or a similar expression on his face - his eyes are never hidden.

Jim also does something that I found significant and refuses to deny that what’s happening and who’s doing it is Judai - literally refusing to call him anything except Judai and acknowledging it’s his friend who’s doing these things while still wanting to help him

And then he jumps into Judais brain like he’s going to fisticuffs Judai’s depression himself and it’s FANTASTIC, all the while yelling encouragement at Judai not to listen to his own shitty self destructive thoughts and that he doesn’t need ‘darkness’ as a coping method.

^^^ the shitty thoughts

^^^^ Jim encouraging him

Jim then does something that is far from small, in fact it’s one of the best things you can do for a friend when they are really, truly a danger to themselves (and others)

Jim acknowledges that words alone are not enough and that it is time for action.

While Jim has been acting to help Judai all this time I honestly believe this is as close to physically intervening as yugioh and it’s whole “everything must be solved by dueling” premise can get. This is - in my opinion - the yugioh equivalent of dragging your friend to therapy. To pulling away the knife.

And we get what might be the craziest, most understated reaction in the entirety of GX -

-Jim gets through to him.

It’s only for a moment and as we all know it ends terribly, but I honestly think this is one of the most understated, underappreciated moments in GX - everyone talks about Judais relationship to Sho, to Johan, to Yubel and honestly all of that is valid - the oldest friend, the closest friend, and the most complicated relationship with the craziest pay-out respectively, but no one ever talks about the fact that Jim Crocodile Cook, the very sweet Australian boi, nearly talked Judai out of his tyrannical rampage with nothing more than the fact he cared about him.

I dunno, I just think it’s crazy that doesn’t seem to be a bigger thing in the fandom from what I’ve seen, Jim deserves a hell of a lot of recognition and it makes me honestly UPSET that they don’t do more with him after this.

[futurewriter2000]

Longer

A/N: What does pissed off Tijana make? She makes angst. So enjoy.

XX

How long does it take a male human being to realize that he is indeed an asshole? Maybe not the longest of time because you didn’t wait for the longest... you waited longer than you intended to. 

It was around the end of May when you and James Potter got into a big fight. He was your best friend in the entire world. There was nothing but trust, loyalty and respect in your friendship. He did everything for you and you did everything for him. All up until the two of you got into another stupid fight that never led into an apology or another word. 

You had waited three days, weeks, months, a whole season and still neither of you made contact. For you it was nothing but pure anxiety, sorrow and fury. 

There were a few steps you had to take when you lost your closest friend. 

Step number one: Fury.  You had never felt more angry in your entire life when he did not apologize. You felt prideful and egoistic, just like him. Both of you had managed to share a specific, horrible trait; stubborness.

Step number two: Sorrow. When something good happened to you, all you wanted to do at that moment was tell your best friend. It took you a second or two to realize that he didn’t exist to you anymore. Sadness and regret, filled your stomach, your heart and your brain went on overdrive with memories until tears fell down your cheeks and you burried your head into a small pillow in your bed. It consumed all your tears and buggers, you pleas to bring him back to you. Yet, you were still too prideful and stubborn to make that first step. No matter, how sad you were.

Step number three: Confusion.  There was a time in month number three where you found yourself thinking that what if you were in love with you best friend all along?- Dreams kept talking to you, bringing him to life in your mind, letting him hold you, smile with you, tease, joke around... everything that felt so much like home. Each time you woke up after those emotional dreams, you felt somethign squeeze your heart and your mind went to places you had never though existed. 

Step number four: Acceptance. Fifth month in and you had managed to accept the fact that the conversation between the two of you will never happen. This time your mind was a bit clearer. You were determined to know that: Yes, he was your best friend. Yes, you did care for him but you were never in love with him. Yes, you missed him- but more or so, you missed the memories than him. In those five months he could become a new person. A person you would not recognise. 

You thought that was the end. You haven’t seen him much around school, barely never because he was always on Head Boy duty. You were happy for him of course, no matter how much he hurt you. Sometimes you could feel those thoughts in your mind saying: ‘It’s your fault.’ - but you knew that was just anxiety. 

It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. You did what you felt was right to do in that moment. It hurt, it put you through shit but you’re here and you’re better. 

Or so you thought. 

You walked by the common room to find your classmate. She was supposed give you back her notebook. Both of you decided to meet in the Gryffindor common room and you had been waiting for her to come from her dorm. 

You wished that you hadn’t chosen that meet place. You thought you were strong enough but you saw them together on the sofa near the fire and it was like a pierce through the heart that made you stop to breathe. 

So you left because the steps weren’t over yet. 

Step number five: Test.

You ran to your room and you paced around your bed. Fortunately, you were alone and that was good because now you could feel and think however you want without anybody noticing. Your whole body was in overdrive. There was fury in your head, sorrow in your stomach, acceptance in your heart yet you couldn’t. 

You fell into the sheets and watered your pillow once again. 

---

It felt like you weren’t alive anymore. Your heart kept throbbing into existance, your mind screaming. 

That poor pillow didn’t stand a chance. It was wet, beaten and thrown around but it still managed to survive without a tear. 

You put some sad music on, for your mood and hugged the poor pillow. Your cheeks were wet, your eyes filled with fresh tears and focused on the ceiling. 

You hadn’t even heard the knock on the door. You only felt his presance and for a moment you thought you were going crazy. When you found him staring at you with an unreadable expression, you knew he was real.

Or was he?

Your mind really couldn’t process much anymore. It was out of batteries. 

“Are you really here?” you narrowed your puffy eyes at him and he squeezed his fists a bit, glancing at the floor before making his way to you. 

“You look...” he tried to joke but he couldn’t, not when you looked so broken. “...like you haven’t slept or eaten anything in two weeks.” 

You kept looking at him and though he was far away, it felt like he was choking you with his bare hands, causing you not to speak. You squeezed your pillow instead and turned to the side. “Leave.” you mumbled into the pillow, throat squeezing and tears falling. 

“Do you really want me to leave?” he asked softly.

“No.” you whispered really quietly into the pillow, closing your eyes as stronger, thicker tears fell down your cheeks. 

He didn’t hear you but he heard something and he took that as a no. He sat on the edge of the bed and locked his fingers together. “Your friends told me you haven’t left your bed and that you-” he cleared his throat. “-and that you cry every night because of me. That it’s my fault.” 

“They don’t know what they are talking about.” you replied with a raspy voice, staring at the doorknob of the warderobe, that stood so innocently still in front of you. 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you being gone from classes.” 

“I’m sick.”

“You’re sad.”

“I’m sick of you.” you replied harshly, sitting up and feelign that same fury bubble inside of you. 

“You ignored me.” he replied just as harsh.

“And you let me.” you glared at him.

He didn’t like what he saw. Your eyes were red, your nose, your cheeks sunken in and your skin was pale. 

“I was mad at you James. Mad! And I was done appologising for what I said! I cared too much and you didn’t let me.”

“What is that even supposed to mean?!” he said but as soon as he did, you stood up from the bed and started pacing around. You knew you only had a shirt on and underwear but at that moment that was the least thing of your problems. “Oh, bloody hell, (y/N).” he turned away. “Put some pants on.” he kept looking away as you paced up and down the room. 

“No.” the stubborness in your voice made him look at you directly into your eyes, fire burning in both, yours an his. 

He stood up and left to that innocently still warderobe, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and giving them to you. “Put them on.” he ordered, growling and gritting his teeth as his eyes challenged yours. “Or I will.”

You grabbed the sweatpants from his hands and put them on yet your breasts were still visible through the shirt. He didn’t want to say anything because he knew you and he knew that if he did what he just did, you would throw him through the window. 

“So, suddenly you care? HUh?” you snapped, tightening the waistband around your hips. 

You lost weight as well. - he noticed. He didn’t like seeing you so low. 

“I always cared-”

“No! You pretended to care!”

“I DID CARE!” he shouted louder but you didn’t let his voice overthrow yours.

“WHEN!? WHERE?! HOW?!” you shouted louder. 

“YOU IGNORED ME!”

“BECAUSE YOU PRETENDED LIKE NOTHING WAS WRONG!”

“I WANTED TO MOVE ON!”

“ AND I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT!! Friends talk!”

“Friends also do not ignore!”

“Well, it clearly did not bother you. You had managed to move on without a single care in the world.”

He stormed towards you, his finger pointed at your chest and pressing on it. “Don’t for a moment think I did not care. I did but you are so dramatic-”

“I just wanted you to open up to me! I asked, you ignored me, I confronted you and you snapped at me. Then I ignored you.”

“I didn’t want to tell you!”

“Fuck you, James!” you pushed him away. “Fuck you and your stupid depressed episodes! Do you know how many times I wanted to tell you something that was bothering me but I couldn’t because you didn’t let me. It soon became a topic around you and how you were feeling. I had to lift you up when I couldn’t even lift myself up! I cared! I would have died for you. I would have lived for you. I would have killed for you!”

“I didn’t ask you too! You offered!”

“BECAUSE I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!” you punched his chest, pushing him away, kicking him, throwing hands wherever they could hit him. You were so furious and so sad at the same time. You felt ashamed and defeated. You felt like your whole body would just crumble beneath you. 

You didn’t know what was happening. Everything around you was just numb. The sound, the temperature, the smell,... your whole existance. 

Crying, thinking, not moving, not eating... it took all the energy from you. Your head was throbbing, your heart racing and your legs giving into gravity. You fell on your knees, throwing your head into your head and realizing what you had just said. 

You were in love with your best friend all this time. “I hate you.” you sobbed, feeling him stand beside you. 

He had no words. He had no thoughts whatsoever. He just stood there meanwhile you cried. He squated down to you and put his hands on your knees. He didn’t say anything but you had to. You removed your hands from your face, wiped away the tears and looked at him. “I got hurt for loving you.” you smiled, wiping more tears from your cheeks and letting out a laugh. “And you didn’t give a single fuck.” you pushed him back until he fell from his feet. You stood up and smiled until that smile became terrifying to him. “How pathethic of me?” you let out another laugh, turning him his back.

“That’s not fair, (y/n).” he said, looking up at you.

“Not fair?” you turned around. “What’s not fair is you moving on so fast!”

“What did you expect me to do? Wait for you to come to your senses?!”

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT!” tears streamed down your cheeks but this time you felt annoyed by how many you managed to produce. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. When you told me how hurt you were when Sirius came to you- that was the day I wanted to tell you how alone and lonely I feel. How nobody fought for me! How everybody used me- how horrible I felt as a person! I wanted to tell you my insecurities, my dark thoughts but  I am so glad I didn’t! So glad! I am so happy that I did what I did because it showed me that you weren’t worth a tear, not one but I shed so many for you.” you grabbed your wand and continued to look at him with a disgusted look in your face. “Asshole.” you past him by and out of your room until everything- every single emotion for him was dead to you. 

[anime-bakery]

Nobody asked for this, but I started Free! and had made the executive decision that Haruka Nanse is Autistic.

So here are some of my headcannons for Autistic!Haru:

He has an Extreme special interest in not just swimming, but just water in general.

Haru just likes water, what it does, how it moves, how it feels, and what you can do with it.

Swimming is also a form of stimming for him. It calms him down and helps him think and regulate his emotions/sensory.

He is a sensory seeking type, which is why he's always wanting to be in the water, it gives him the sensory imput he needs.

Sweet child prefers swim trunks over boxers/briefs for both comfort and the fact that if he's always wearing them then he's always ready to swim.

Haru has said the his swimsuits all fit differently, so he picks them based off what type fit he feels like he wants that day. (Ex- Looser fitting for the days were he's sensory overloaded and tighter fit for days he needs extra sensory imput)

Doesn't like talking when its not necessary, and often goes nonverbal.

Had a hyper fixation on dolphins after Nagisa told him that he reminded him of them. He isn't as fixated on them now, but has alot of leftover knowledge and dolphin things from that time.

Had a really hard time with Rin leaving, though he didn't show it. Tries to be indifferent to people because he doesn't understand them and is scared of them leaving.

Mackerel is his safe food, and he will never get tired of it.

Is a formal gifted kid, but got to the point where he decided that school and grades were stupid after having a really bad burn out

Yes, I'm projecting here.

Has never really cared that his name was "girly sounding", and has never really understood the whole thing with some specific stuff being for girls and some for guys.

I have another headcannon about him being gender queer, but that's for another time.

Haruka got diagnosed when he was young, and Makoto has always been by his side to try and help.

His mom decided that, because Haru has a tough time with transitions and change, that when his dad moved he could stay by himself.

He has a list of things he has to do everyday, and while Makoto has to help him rember and stay on track, he does pretty well.

Doesn't understand emotions all too well, but when his friend experiences a very intense emotion he understands exactly what to do.

Has a hard time both opening up and knowing when to stop sharing. So, you epithet know a lot about him or nothing.

Has an amazing long term memory, but can't remember what he had for breakfast (tho its usually the same thing, mackerel and toast).

Doesn't really tell anyone he's on the spectrum out right, but doesnt try to hide it. He doesn't mask or anything, he doesn't feel the need to.

Every so often, Haruka gets really ashamed of himself because he's autistic, and goes into a depressive episode. But most times, he doesn't care.

Okay, so... if anyone wants more of these about other characters, please tell me. And feel free to add your own headcannons!

Love ya!💕💕

(Also, if anything I said was offensive to any other neurodiverse person, please tell me.)