#gross creepy ugly disgusting

[weirdness2020]

Ok so

Sanders sides x beetlejuice au

Lydia is Virgil

Beetlejuice is Remus

Barbara is Patton

Adam is Logan

Delia is Roman

Charles is Janus

Juno is Orange

Someone write a fanfic of this please

[i-deserve-to-bite]

man. I wish I could pet a cat right now.

[strangemaleswaps]

Strange Sleepy Swap

I absolutely hate family vacations. Don't get me wrong, the vacation part is pretty nice. The fact that I'm with my family is the problem. Each year we go to some new crazy location, which would've been fun if they didn't embarrass me every single moment. Normally it's some dumb place within the states, but this time we're going out of the country. I turned 18 a few months ago and just graduated high school, so my parents thought it was a special occasion. Oh, it's going to be special all right - it's the last time I'll be forced to go with them! As soon as the summer's over, I'm moving across the state for college, and hopefully I'll never see them again! But for now, my parents set their sights on Brazil. I guess that's where they went on their first trip together. But I'd rather go to much cooler countries like France or Japan.

So, arriving in Brazil, we moved through the airport - me, my dad, mom, and little sister. There were so many hot guys and good looking people in general walking through the halls. I wanted to flirt with them so badly! But my parents would probably call the police if I went out of their sight for a single minute. We took a taxi and arrived at our hotel room. I found out that there were only 2 bedrooms - one for my parents and one for my little sister and I. I can't even jerk off in the privacy of my own bedroom anymore! I unpacked my stuff anyway, just as my mom walked into the room.

"Are you hungry, kids?" I hate being called a kid. I'm 18! Nobody seems to understand that I'm a legal adult now!

"Yeah," we both replied.

"How about we visit some of the local places to see some culture?"

"Lame," I said.

"Jackson, YOU are going to go with us and YOU are going to like it!" My mom ordered.

"Fine."

Outside the hotel, my dad arrived with our rental car. We drove through the streets but ended up parking in what looked like the poor part of town. I thought we were going to a nice restaurant?

"What the hell are we doing here?"

"Language, Jackson! This is what I was talking about! What better way to see the local culture than to visit the local marketplace?"

We got out and I looked around. The roads and buildings were all run down and there was a gross scent in the air. The marketplace was thriving anyway, but the people there were all ugly. No hot guys! We bought some kind of pastry, eating it at a nearby table. It tasted awful! When we finished, we all split up to explore the rest of the marketplace; I didn't even bother to look at anything else because I knew I wouldn't find anything good.

I walked down the road and saw an open garage-like area with some people inside. Outside sleeping in a chair, was an obese guy with a belly so big, it hung right out of his blue tank top, and covered his knees entirely! His belly button was so big, you could probably fit an entire fist in there! He was probably the grossest human being I've ever seen in my life! It was guys like that that made me feel at least somewhat grateful that I'm so young and skinny.

I walked right past and suddenly he grabbed my arm. His eyes stayed closed though, so I guess it was some form of sleepwalking. I was disgusted anyway, so I jumped backwards and shouted at him.

"Get away from me you disgusting slob!" 

He stayed asleep even after that. But I definitely needed to wash my arm now. Who knows what kind of diseases he was carrying? I started walking towards a restroom, when I felt like I was being watched. I looked to my right to see a creepy old lady staring at me from between two buildings. She was so hideous, she looked like a witch! I ran inside and quickly washed my hands. I walked out of the bathroom, only to come face to face with the witch lady.

"Ahh! Who are you?"

"You don't like your family do you?" Is she trying to relate to me or something? Gross! I answered her anyway.

"Yeah. So?"

"Would you do anything to get away from them?"

"Yeah I guess. What are you getting at?"

"Nothing. Nothing you need to worry about." Anger rushed to my brain and out my mouth.

"Nothing? You can't just ask about my problems then offer to do nothing! Get out of my face you old hag!" Her smile changed to an angry frown but then back to a smile.

"Very well, you want me to do something? I will do something." She took a piece or chalk and started drawing a circle around my feet.

"What? Are you using your witchy magic or something?" I said, sarcastically. She ignored me and continued. With a full circle of purple chalk around me, she put her hands together and started mumbling something. The circle below me was glowing! Not just that, but I was actually sinking into the ground! Is this some kind of portal? If I could teleport to my college campus that would be great! Even better, a gay bar or somewhere I can freely be myself!

I sunk lower and lower until it was just my head and neck sticking out.  I looked up at her and said "Thank you." For some reason, instead of a friendly smile, it seemed like an evil smirk. As my eyes were about to fully submerge into the ground, I closed them.

When I opened them back up, I was sitting down inside, but was disappointed that the same bad smell was in the air. Looks like she teleported me, but it wasn't very far. I knew that witch was full of shit. I guess I should find my family again; it had been an hour and they were probably worried. I tried to get up but something was wrong. I looked down to see what was keeping me grounded when my heart started thumping extremely fast. Gone was my slim body, which was replaced with an overly large hanging gut. What the fuck happened to me? Is it touching my knees? Wait, I recognize that gut! It can't be! I've turned into that one gross slob! Was this that witch's way of getting revenge?

I didn’t want to, but I felt compelled to touch the gut. Unlike before, he was completely shirtless so the massive hanging blubber was visible for everyone to see. I looked at my huge sausage fingers, and poked it. It jiggled. I took my whole hand and pressed into the flab over and over. My whole belly rippled like a body of water. It was actually kinda fun and felt nice. No, what am I doing? I gotta get my body back.

Trying to get up was the hardest part. I had to summon all my strength in order to force the weight of the gut off of me, and plant my feet on the ground as hard as I possibly could. When I got my ass out of the chair, gravity took hold of my gut and I nearly fell over. Slowly, I got myself back onto my feet.

I couldn't even see the bottom of my gut but I could feel it touching my knees! I grabbed the bottom of it and shook. I stuck my hands between the overhang and my waist, and felt a river of sweat hiding underneath. I swear if I ever get back to my body, I'll never insult any fat guy ever again!

I tried walking back to the same bathroom I was just at, but it was more like a waddle. The gut was swinging back and forth, slapping my knees every time, pain with each slap. My back was killing me too. My entire body ached! How did this guy let himself go this far? I squeezed through the door and saw my face for the first time in the mirror. I had gray hair and silver stubble. I was an old man! My whole face was huge and I had a double chin. This can't be happening. I'm only 18!

I walked out of the bathroom just as my family strolled by. Finally! For once I was happy to see them! It'll be weird but I'm sure they can help me get back to normal somehow. I waddled over, approaching them, and freaked out when I saw…me! There was a college aged guy who looked exactly like me alongside them. Is he the owner of the body I'm in? He must be!

"Hey it's you! You have my body!" Everyone turned around, surprised to see me. My parents narrowed their eyes.

"What? What's this about bodies? Who are you?" My dad demanded.

"Mom, Dad, its me, Jackson! There was a witch that swapped our bodies! That guy isn't me!"

"What? Who do you think you are, talking to my son that way? Get out of here creep!" The guy in my body pretended to be just as confused as they were. That liar! Instead of taking any action, they just walked away, shaking me off as just some homeless creep. They probably assumed I wouldn't be able to catch up to them…and they were right. I felt exhausted already, but managed to shout one last sentence at them.

"Wait c-come back! I'm sorry! I'll never complain about vacations again!" The guy who stole my body turned his head around and gave an evil smirk at me. I looked to my right to see the witch again.

"You wanted to be away from them and your wish was granted. Here, you might want this." She tossed me what looked like a shirt, but it was huge. "Paolo gets especially lazy sometimes and doesn't feel like putting on a shirt. You'll get used to it, but here's one just in case."

I wanted to argue but I couldn’t. I just…gave up. I was feeling tired so I slipped the shirt on, pulling it as far over my belly as I could, and waddled over back to the garage area. My knees were killing me at this point so I stood next to the chair I was sitting on earlier, rotated myself, and firmly plopped onto it. All the pain went away and I started feeling drowsy. I rolled up the shirt a little and stuck my finger inside my belly button, playing with it. Am I getting hard? I shouldn't be so turned on but I am! I then pressed my belly in, seeing and feeling the ripples until I finally fell asleep. Haha…Maybe this won't be so bad afterall. I'm finally away from my family, and I can just sleep the day away…everyday…

[loomis-macher]

greasy, ugly, dirty, freaky, stupid, annoying, boring, disgusting, rude, unoriginal, creepy, uncaring, unfunny, mean, nasty, hateful, boring, stinky, crazy, cruel, horrible, gross, filthy, awful, pathetic, obnoxious, embarrassing, terrible, toxic, ridiculous, evil, weird, incel

[melonteee]

What’s your opinion on Toei making Sanji look as gross/creepy as possible at any given moment. Like they actively make him look more ugly/pervy whenever they can, and it just harms his character because it makes the audience react with disgust when they see him or think that he’s just a perv because he looks like a creep! It’s just weird, and a nasty way to treat Sanji

I think that's Toei trying to appeal to shonen bros and shonen tropes which, shockingly, Oda doesn't actually do all that much! Film Z was a blinding example of that! Not only did Sanji NOT feel like Sanji, but that was the most non-One Piece feeling One Piece movie ever. It just felt like something to cater to shonen bros who want One Piece to be a more traditional shonen with those kinds of perv gags and other things HHH

[layce2015]

Supernatural (Dean Winchester x Female!Reader)

Malleus Maleficarum

Masterlist

"She was so scared. I couldn't help; I couldn't do anything to stop it. And I've talked to the police, and I've talked to the medical examiner and no one can explain it." Mr Dutton said to me as Dean and Sam search around the house. "Well that's why they put the call in to us, Mr. Dutton." I said to him.

"But the CDC, that's disease control right? What do you think; it's some kind of virus?" he asked me, confused. "We're not ruling out anything yet." I said. "Mr. Dutton, did Janet have any enemies?"

"I'm sorry?" he said, confused. "Anyone that might have a reason to hurt her?" I asked him. "Wait, what are you saying? That somebody poisoned her?" Mr Dutton asked, slightly panicked. "I'm just saying we have to cover every base here." I said. "Well, I mean, what kind of poison? You think a person could have done this?" Mr Dutton asked.

"Would anyone want to?" I asked, curiously. "What?! No, no, there's just no one that could've--" Mr Dutton started to say but stops as Sam and Dean open the bathroom door. "Mr. Dutton?" I said and he looks over at me and shakes his head. 

"Uh, everyone loved Janet." He said and I look over at the boys and they nod at me, letting me know they were done. "Okay. Thank you very much; I think we've got everything we need. We'll get out of your way now." I said to Mr Dutton and the three of us began to walk out.

We walked out of the house and the rain poured down on us as we made it over to the Impala. "That guys seem a little evasive to you?" I asked the boys. "Don't know I was under a sink, pulling this out." Sam said as he takes a hex bag out of his pocket and hands it to me as we stop. I take the bag from Sam and open it.

"Hex bag." I grumbled. "Awww gross." Dean said, disgusted. "Yeah, there are bird bones, rabbit's teeth. This cloth is probably cut from something Janet Dutton owned." Sam said as Dean and I look back at the house for a second and turn back. I hand the bag to Sam and we start walking towards the Impala again.

"So, we're thinking witch?" I asked. "Uh, yeah, and not some new age wicked water douser either. This is old world black magic guys, I mean, warts and all." Sam said as we get into the car. "I hate witches." Dean exclaims, making Sam and I chuckle.

"They're always spewing their bodily fluids everywhere." said Dean. "Pretty much." Sam said. "It's creepy, you know, it's down right unsanitary." Dean said. "Yeah, well someone definitely had it out for Janet Dutton." I said.

"Yeah, someone who snuck into that house and planted the bag. So what are we thinking, we're uh, looking for some old craggy blair bitch in the woods." Dean suggests. "No it could be anyone. Neighbor, coworker, man, woman that's the problem Dean, they're human, they're like everyone else." Sam said.

"Great, how do we find 'em?" Dean asked, annoyed. "This wasn't random; someone in Janet Dutton's life had an ugly axe to grind. We find the motive-" I said then Dean finishes the sentence for me. "We find the murderer." he said.

"Yeah." Sam and I said, in unison, then Dean starts the Impala and pulls away from the curb, driving off in the rain.

Throughout the day, we followed Paul to see if there were any hints of witches near him or if he was somehow involved with his wife's death. At first everything seemed normal, nothing out of place, but then at one point he was sitting in his car, eating. It was a few minutes after sitting in his car, the door opens and he crawls out, coughing. The boys and I run over to him and we see that he was coughing up maggots.

"Check the car!" Dean yells at me and Sam. We began to search under the dashboard and steering column as Dean tries to help Paul. "Guys!" Dean yells just as I found it. "Got it!" I said as I get up and remove the hex bag while Dean pulls Paul up from the pavement. "Come on." Dean said and I light the hex bag on fire and drop it to the ground as it glows with blue and green flames

Moments later, Paul recovers from choking and leans back against his car. "You okay?" Sam asked him. "What the hell is happening to me?!" Paul asked, panicked. "Someone murdered your wife and now they're trying to kill you, that's what's happening to you." Dean said, firmly. "That's impossible! There's no way-" Paul exclaims but I speak up.

"If we hadn't have been following you, you'd be a doornail right now." I said and he looks up at me with worry. "Now who wants you dead?" I asked him.

"I-uh..." Paul stammers but Dean speaks up. "Come on think." He said. "There's a woman-uh..." Paul stammers. "A woman, okay?" Dean mutters. "An affair--a mistake, she was un-balanced, she was blackmailing me and I put an end to it a week ago." Paul replied.

"What's her name?" Sam asked him. "What could she have to do with--?" Paul asked but Dean talks over him.

"Paul, what is her name?" he asked and Paul looks between us.

Later, Dean picks the lock and we enter Amanda's house, our guns drawn. We enter the room and I switch on the light, only to find Amanda's lifeless on the table covered in blood. "That's a curveball." Dean said as I let out a sigh. "Yeah." Sam mutters and we approach Amanda's body.

Dean lifts her right arm with the barrel of his gun then looks at the other as well. "Three per wrist, vertical. She wasn't foolin' around." Dean points out as I put my gun in the back of my jeans and bend down to look at the scattered remnant of the altar, holding my nose to the smell of the burnt rotten food.

"Yeah, looks like she was working some heavyweight evil here." I said. "Yup." the boys said as Dean turns around nearly running into the hanging body of a rabbit. "Oh God! Freakin' witches! Seriously guys, come on!" Dean yells as Sam and I look at the rabbit.

"Guess we know where she got the rabbit's teeth from." Sam said. "Well, Paul sure knows how to pick 'em, huh? It's like Fatal Attraction all over again." I said. "Yeah." Sam mutters. "And why does the rabbit always get screwed in the deal?! The poor little guy." Dean said, upset. 

"You know what I don't get, boys? If she was so bent on revenge, why do this?" I asked them. "Well, she got Janet Dutton, thought she finished off Paul, decided to cap herself and make it a spurned lovers hat-trick." Dean replied. "Maybe." I muttered as I start to look under the glass table that Amanda is on.

"I mean, this doesn't exactly look like the TV room of a bright and stable person, you know?" Dean said. "No, but then..." I said as I reach around and pull out another hex bag that was tucked under the table and stand up tossing it to boys, Sam catches it. "There's this." I said and Dean looks over his brother's arm to see the hex bag.

"Another hex bag?" Sam said, shocked. 

"Come on!" Dean shouts as Sam opens the bag to find similar contents of the bag we found in Janet's bathroom and he tosses it on the table while Dean reaches for his phone. "Looks like we got a hit, huh? A little witch on witch violence?" Dean said. "I guess." I said, shrugging, as Dean dials the phone and hold it up to his ear.

"I'd like to report a dead body, 309 Mayfair Circle. My name? Yeah, sure my name is..." Dean said and he clicks the phone shut, cutting himself off.

"Why are witches ganking each other?" Dean asked us. "I don't know, but I think maybe we got a coven on our hands." I said and the boys share a worried look.

"You must have a green thumb." Sam said to this woman after we walked up to her driveway while she was turning the soil of her garden. "Excuse me?" She asked as she turned to us. "Getting these herbs to grow out of season like this, quite impressive. I'm sorry; I should have introduced myself first." Sam said and he reaches on the pocket of his suit jacket and takes out a badge. "I'm uh, Detective Bachman, this is Detective Turner and Detective Thornton." Sam introduced as Dean and I take our badges out of our jacket pockets and flash it at her.

"Hi-ya." Dean greets.

"Afternoon." I said, smiling.

"We're following up on Amanda Burns' death, going around the neighborhood and talking to neighbors and stuff like that." Sam said to her and she looks between us, nervously. "But didn't she- I mean she killed herself right?" She said. "Maybe, maybe." Sam said.

"We heard you were friends with the deceased right?" I asked her. "Yeah, I guess so." She replies. "Did you have any idea about her practices?" Dean asked her. "I'm sorry, what kind of practices?" She asked. 

"Well see, her house was littered with satanic paraphernalia." I said. "A regular Black Sabbath." Dean added. "No, the- but she was an Episcopalian." The woman said. "Well, then we're pretty sure she was using the wrong bible." Dean said then a couple of footsteps come up to us and we turn and see a couple of women coming up to us.

"Elizabeth, you alright?" the dark haired woman said. "I'm fine uh Renee, these are Detectives. They say Amanda was- she was practicing-" Elizabeth stammers then her friend, Renee, turns to us. "I'm sorry Detectives; you can tell that Elizabeth is a little bit upset." She said, a bit rudely honestly. "Of course, Miss...?" Dean said.

"Mrs. Renee Van Allen. Would you like me to spell it for you?" she sneered at him and I narrow my eyes a bit at her. "We'll get by, thanks." I snapped and she turns to me. "This Amanda business has been hard for Liz, for all of us." She said then her friend speaks. "Yeah, I mean, you think you know a person."

"Well, I guess we all have secrets, don't we?" Dean said as we stare between the three women. "Well, thanks, um, we'll be in touch." Sam said after a few moments of silence. "Have a nice day." I said and the women tell us goodbye.

"Well, I'm already sold on that Elizabeth chick? Did you see that victory garden of hers? Belladonna, wolfs bane, mandrake, not to mention that little flinch she threw when we mentioned the occult." Dean said as we drive down a foggy country road. "Well, she's definitely had a good run lately, gone up a few tax brackets; won almost too many raffles. Kinda thing a little black magic always helps with." Sam said as he reads over some files. "Yeah." Dean mutters.

"I don't think she's alone either, look like Mrs. Renee Van Allen has won almost every craft contest she has entered in the past three months." said Sam. "Yeah, a regular Martha Stewart, huh?" I joked. "Except for the devil worship, I'm thinking that was the coven back there we met minus one member." Dean said and I shrugged.

"Amanda was clearly going off the reservation, what do you think they killed her to keep up appearances?" Sam asked. "Seems like an appearance kind of crowd, don't you think?" Dean asked. "Yeah." mutters Sam.

"If they killed the nut-job should we uh, thank them or what?" I asked. "They're working black magic too, (y/n), they need to be stopped." Sam said. "stopped like stopped?" Dean asked as he and I look over at Sam, a bit shocked. Sam gives us a look that says of course.

"They're human, Sam." Dean said. "They're murderers." Sam said. Dean and I look at Sam for a second, with doubt, and then resign ourselves. "Burn witch, burn." I remarked as Dean continues to drive when the Impala stutters and starts to choke up.

"What the hell?" Dean said, confused. The head lights of the Impala flicker on and then back on again as it slowly comes to a stop in front of a blonde woman sanding in the middle of the road.

Sam gets out of the car first and Dean and I follow. "Ruby." Sam said. "Sam, listen to me, there's no time." She said. "For what? What are you talking about?" Sam asked her. "You have to get out of town." She warns.

"So this is Ruby, huh?" Dean asked then he raises the colt and aims it at her, cocking it. "Never had the pleasure." Dean said. "Dean!" Sam shouts at him. "I was hoping you'd show up again." Dean growls.

"Point that thing somewhere else." Ruby said after rolling her eyes. "Hahahaha, right." Dean chuckles as I placed a hand on his arm. Ruby ignores him then turns to Sam. "Sam please, go, get in the car and don't look back." She begs. "Why? I don't understand." Sam said.

"Hey, hot stuff, we can take care of a few kitchen witches, thanks." Dean said. "I'm not talking about witches, you jackass, witches are whores. I'm talking about who they serve." She said and the boys and I look confused for a second, but then it dawns on me.

"Demons, they get their power from demons." I said and Ruby nods. "Yeah, and there's one here, now." She said. "Oh, what, you mean besides you?" Dean asked but Ruby ignores him. 

"Sam, it knows you and your friend here are in town and it's gonna come after you two and it's way more than you can handle." Ruby said as she gestures to me. "Me?!" I said, confused. "Oh come on, what is this, huh? Please tell me you're not listening to this crap!" Dean yells at Sam and Ruby turns to Sam. "Put a leash on your brother Sam, if you wanna keep him." She ordered. 

"Dean, look, just chill out." Sam pleads as I turn to him. "No, no! She's messing with your head, God knows why, that's who they are!" Dean yells. "Dean, honey, calm down!" I said.

"I'm telling you the truth." Ruby said, firmly. "And I'm telling you to shut up bitch." Dean growls. "I'm sorry, why are you even a part of this conversation?!" Ruby asked, angrily. "Oh, I don't know maybe because he's my brother. And now you're saying my girlfriend is in danger too, you black eyed skank!" Dean shouts.

"Oh, right, right. You care about your brother and girlfriend so much, that's why you're checking out in a few months, leaving them all alone?" Ruby sneered. "Shut up." Dean growls. "At least let me try and save them, since you won't be here to do it anymore." Ruby said. "I said shut up!" Dean yells and he moves to fire the colt at Ruby.

"Dean no!" Sam screams as he pushes Dean's arm away from Ruby as he fires the colt, and Dean tries to fight against Sam's hold and they lock arms. "Boys, stop!" I shouted as I try to fight their hold. Then we look to where Ruby was standing to see that she has vanished.

Dean gives Sam a look of disappointment and goes back to get in the Impala, as Sam looks around in vain for Ruby. I sigh then follow Dean to the car.

Later, at a hotel, Dean walks in first and switches on the light and Sam and I follow right behind him. "What the hell were you thinking?" Dean shouts at Sam. "What?! What the hell was I thinking?" Sam yelled. "She's a demon, Sam, period alright. They want us dead, we want them dead." Dean yells.

"Oh, that's funny; I remember that demon chick in Ohio, Casey? You didn't want her dead." Sam said as I just look between them. "Yeah, well she wasn't stringing me along like a fish on a hook." Dean argues. "No one's stringing me along. Look, I know it's dangerous, that she is dangerous, but like it or not, she is useful." Sam said. "No, we kill her before she kills us." Dean growls.

"Kill her with what? The gun she fixed for us?" Sam asked. "Whatever works." Dean grumbles and I sighed. "Dean, if she wants us dead, all she has to do is stop saving our lives." Sam said and Dean turns away from us and goes to the sink turning on the water.

"Look, we have to start looking at the big picture Dean, start thinking in strategies and- and moves ahead." I said as Dean splashes water on his face and Sam nods. "She's right. It's not so simple, we're not- we're not just hunting anymore, we're at war." Sam said as Dean turns off the water and looks at Sam in the mirror above the sink, grabs a towel to dry off his face and turns back around to us.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked Sam. "Uh, why are you always asking me that?" Sam asked as he sits on the foot of one of the beds in the room, and Dean moves back toward Sam. "Because you're taking advice from a demon for starters, and by the way, you seem less and less worried about offing people, it used to eat you up inside." Dean explains. "He's got a point, Sam." I said.

"Yeah, and what has that gotten me?" Sam asked. "Nothing, but it's just what you're supposed to do okay? We're supposed to drive in the friggin' car and friggin' argue about this stuff. You know, you go on about the sanctity of life and all that crap." Dean yells. "Wait, so- so you're mad because I'm starting to agree with you?" Sam asked, confused.

"No, I'm not mad, I'm- I'm- I'm worried, Sam." Dean said as he moves and sits down on the foot of the other bed in the room. "I'm worried about you too, Sam." I said and Sam looks at me. "Because you're not acting like yourself." I  added. "Yeah, you guys are right, I'm not. I don't have a choice." Sam said.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked him as Dean looks up at him. Sam sighs then looks at Dean. "Look, Dean, you're leaving right? And (y/n) and I gotta stay here in this craphole of a world, alone. So the way I see it, if I'm gonna make it, if I'm gonna fight this war after you're gone, then I gotta change." Sam replied and I noticed Dean has been looking increasingly uncomfortable during Sam's last speech, and is now clutching his stomach in discomfort and leaning forward slightly.

"Change into what?" he asked. "Into you, I gotta be more like you." Sam said and Dean tightens his face in pain, and leans further over still clutching his stomach and side with his left hand. "Dean!" I said, worried, as I go over to him.

"What's going on with you?" Sam asked as  Dean moves around in pain still clutching his stomach, and he can barely force words out. "I don't know. Oh- guys something's wrong- bunch of knives inside of me-" he groans then Sam moves off the bed and kneels in front of Dean, who is now leaning all the way forward with his head almost between his legs.

"Son of a bitch-" Dean groans and my eyes widen and I turn to Sam. "The coven, it's gotta be the coven." I said and he gets up and rush into the bathroom, opening the cupboards below the sink looking for the hex bag as Dean groans in pain and lies back on the bed, his face still twisted in pain. "Hang on, baby." I said as Sam pulls things out of the cupboard throwing them aside.

Dean leans back forward falling to his knees in front of the foot of the bed, spitting out blood, choking and sputtering. Then I get up and start to look around the room for the hex bag but couldn't find anything. Sam and I pull off the covers to the bed tearing back the sheets and I slice the mattress open with my knife but still cannot find the hex bag

"Dean, we can't find it." I said, worried, as Dean falls over sideways and looks weak and hurt and still in pain. "No." Sam mutters. As Dean continues to cough blood more weakly now, Sam rummages through his bag and pulls out the colt and opens it to make sure there are bullets in it.

"Sam, what are you doing?" I asked him as Sam gets up and moves toward the door. "Sam." I called out but Sam leaves closing the door behind him. "Sam!" Dean and I shout but he was gone.

Dean was leaning over a pool of blood he has spit out gasping and coughing blood as I try to think of what to do. Suddenly, there were quick footsteps outside and the door is kicked open and Ruby steps in. I pull out my knife, get into a stance and step in front of Dean. "You wanna kill me? Get in line bitch." Dean sneers.

Ruby ignores him and looks at me. "Do you want to keep him alive?" She asked me as I look at her. Then I look at Dean. "(Y/n)..." he groans and I look back at Ruby then step aside for her. "Better not make me regret this." I growled as Ruby goes over to Dean and pulls him up by the collar tossing him on the bed. She leans over him and forces his mouth open with her left hand as Dean tries to push her away.

Ruby sprays a black liquid into his mouth from a bag at her side with her right hand while Dean still struggles under her hold. Ruby stands up as Dean chokes on the liquid and spits some back out. "Stop calling me bitch." Ruby growls and Dean starts to look better and I go over to him and check him over then clean the blood and black liquid off of his face.

"Next time you point that gun at me, I'm not gonna just disappear, understand?" Ruby said as she tosses a sawed off shotgun over to me as Dean was back to sitting on the foot of the bed. "You saved my life." Dean said to her. "Don't mention it." Ruby said. 

"What was that stuff? God, it was ass, it tasted like ass." Dean grumbles. "It's called witchcraft shortbus." Ruby replied as she turns and walks out of the room closing the door behind her and leaving us. "You're the shortbus...shortbus." Dean grumbles and I shake my head. "Come on, we got to go after Sam." I said to him and we start to head out.

We make it to Elizabeth's house and run in with our shotgun drawn and see Sam was held up against the wall by an invisible force. And a woman with short dark hair was standing in from him. We draw our guns at her but she turns around easily and throws us over the sofa. We get up, but she pins us to the wall behind us.

"Three for one, lovely." she said, smiling. "Wait." Ruby shouts as she walks in with her hands raised in surrender. "Please, I just came to talk." She said as she puts her hands down. "You made it out of the gate, impressive. That was a bitch of a fight, wasn't it?" The woman sneered. "Doors outta hell only open for so long." Ruby said.

"What do you want, Ruby?" the woman asked. "I've been lost without you, take me back. That's why I led the Winchesters and (l/n) here." Ruby said and Dean looks angry, and mouths I told you so to Sam while I sigh and roll my eyes.

"They're for you, as a gift." Ruby said to her. "Really?" The woman asked. "Let me serve you again, I've wanted it, I've wanted you for so long." Ruby said as she walks closer to her. "You were one of my best." The woman said as her and  Ruby look at each other, until Ruby pulls her knife out and tries to stab her, but the demon catches it in mid-air.

"But then again, you always were a lying whore." she said and the knife is thrown sideways out of their hands across the wood floor. The two fight for a bit until the demon throws Ruby into the TV, but Ruby gets up and kicks her and goes to run past her, and the woman clotheslines Ruby causing her to fall flat on her back.

She pulls Ruby up and throws her into a bookcase and gets a fireplace poker from the stand on the hearth, looking at Elizabeth who was cowering from, before the woman walks back to Ruby with the poker in her hand.

"You're really telling me you threw in your chips with Abbott and Costello here?" the woman asked, nodding towards us, as Ruby tries to get up, and the demon hits her across the face with the fireplace poker. Elizabeth then runs out of the room.

"Come on, get up." the demon growls while Ruby is panting and not moving, with blood coming out of her nose. "I said get up!" she yells as she tosses the poker aside and crouches over Ruby grabbing her by the jacket and pulling her up. "We've been here before, haven't we?" She chuckles to herself and looks over at Sam.

"She didn't tell you?" She asked then she turns back to Ruby and continues. "Pretty mortifying I guess. She was one of mine. I turned her out a long, long time ago. Ruby here was a witch. Of course that was when you were human."

The three of us look at this surprised even though we are still both pinned to pur respective walls. The demon throws Ruby back down onto the debris of the bookcase she crashed through and stands up. "Didn't want your friends to know that all those centuries back you sold yourself to me? Embarrassing I guess, but don't worry love, no secrets where you're heading remember?" She said and she begins to chant and black smoke rises out of Ruby's mouth curling and hovering inches above her mouth.

But then she begins to cough.

As she coughs harder, Dean and I were dropped from the wall and fall forward. Sam also falls from the wall and drops to the floor as I look up and see the demon brings her hand up to her mouth. She coughs up a handful of long pins into her hand, her mouth bleeding in the process. She looks at the pins and raises her right hand and clenched it into a fist.

Dean then comes up behind her and stabs her in the back repeatedly with Ruby's discarded knife. The woman dies as well as the demon that was inside of her and she falls to the floor. Dean looks at Ruby and goes to help me and Sam up and they move toward the door and stop to look at Ruby.

"Go." Ruby said as she looks at us slightly embarrassed and wipes the blood away from her mouth. "I'll clean up this mess. Dean and I start to walk toward the door, helping Sam on his way. "Come on." I said but we stop and look back at Ruby one more time. Ruby turns her eyes black and glares at us. "Go." She orders and we walk out the door.

Dean and I were walking outside of the hotel, together, as the lights flicker, we look around, and then back to where we originally was looking and see Ruby standing there in the shadows of the hotel parking lot. "So the devil may care after all, is that what we're supposed to believe?" Dean asked her as we walk up to her. "I don't believe in the devil." She replied.

"Wacky night." I remarked then I look at her. "So let me get this straight, you were human once, you died, you went to hell, you became a..." I started to say and she nods. "Yeah." she said and she turns to leave.

"How long ago?" Dean asked her. "Back when the plague was big." Ruby reply as she turns back to us. "So all of 'em, every damn demon, they were all human once." I said. "Every one I've ever met." Ruby said.

"Well, they sure don't act like it." Dean remarks. "Most of them have forgotten what it means, or even that they were. That's what happens when you go to hell, Dean. That's what hell is, forgetting what you are." She said. "Philosophy lesson from the demon, I'll pass thanks." Dean growls. "Its not philosophy, it's not a metaphor. There's a real fire in the pit, agonies you can't even imagine." She said. 

"No, I saw Hellraiser, I get the gist." Dean said. "Actually they got that pretty close, except for all the custom leather." Ruby said. Dean and I look at her thoughtful and Ruby stops her departure, and turns back to us.

"The answer is yes by the way." she said as she looks at Dean. "I'm sorry?" Dean said, confused. "Yes, the same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later hell will burn away your humanity. Every hell bound soul, every one turns into something else. Turns you into us, so yeah, yeah you can count on it." She said.

"There's no way of saving him from the pit is there?" I asked her. "No." she replied and I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Then why'd you tell Sam you could?" Dean asked her. "So he would talk to me, you Winchesters can be pretty bigoted. Same thing for you, (l/n). I needed something to help him get past the-"

"The demon thing? It's pretty hard to get past." Dean growls. "Look at you, tryin' to be all stoic. My God it's heartbreaking." Ruby said. 

"Why are you telling us all this?" I asked, a bit annoyed. "I need your help." she said. "Help with what?" Dean and I said, confused. "With Sam. The way you stuck that demon tonight, Dean, it was pretty tough. Sam's almost there, but not quite, you two need to help me get him ready, for life without you, Dean; to fight this war with you, (y/n)." Ruby said and she turns and walks away again.

"Ruby, why do you want us to win?" Dean asked her and Ruby turns back around to face us. "Isn't it obvious? I'm not like them, I- I don't know why, I wish I was, but I'm not. I remember what its like." she replied. "What what's like?" I asked. "Being human." She replied and Dean looks down lost in his thoughts.

I give him a worried look and placed a hand on his shoulder. He looks up at me and places his band over mine then we look up to see Ruby has disappeared leaving us alone in the parking lot.

@rach5ive @kitsun369 @itzabbyxx @cevans-winchester @ellie-andthemachine

[disabledfurry]

i hate when i bring up congenital disability and i/dd and visible difference all together all at the same time i feel like i'm pushing and shoving and yelling. i feel like a tornado. i'm afraid people will think we have it better than them scoff and roll their eyes or they will go "lol that's not a real problem because it's so normal to make fun of or be disgusted by people like you that i can't and refuse to see it as a real problem"

i don't know how many people have either gotten mad at me or laughed at me for it

60's comedy show where they can't seem to go even a few episodes without making fun of people with strabismus or brain damage. an actor crossing his eyes on purpose gets hit in the head and goes "hey i can see!" i change the channel to kids's cartoons and a character gets hit in the head, crosses his eyes, loses his balance and slurs. two other characters just flat out have strabismus, one with an intellectual disability and people act like she's gross, and another with brain damage, both depicted as jokes. muffins/bubbles the horse's whole character is a joke about intellectual disability and she has strabismus

i go online and people are drawing their fursonas with exotropia as a joke. mom watches a tiktok where someone tells her friend to "look ugly" and her friend crosses her eyes. on fionna and cake the hypnotized princess bubblegum has strabismus randomly to make her look crazy. marcille talking in a baby voice while her eyes are far apart, and the orc with strabismus, making me not feel like mithrun's whole character arc matters that much

people making inbred jokes or remarking on the birth defect rate in some southern US american states when the birth defect rate in some "northern" states is the fucking same, especially when for me, both the place i was conceived and the place i was born are heavily fucking polluted

how many examples do people need before they go "oh yeah this is a real problem" and do the examples i gave even matter. do i need to write a whole fucking book of examples. i feel like i could. there is a whole fucking book's worth of examples. i know someone else has already done it because there's multiple books about this

everyone thinks people like me are weird or gross or funny or creepy and the only place i see people even remotely like me is on an autism dating show where they play quirky music every time someone does something autistic and the greater disability community doesn't care about us at all or even is repulsed by us because they think we have it better but it's "not a big deal"

and i don't fucking want lip service. i want to feel like i fucking belong, like i'm not just not supposed to exist because i have too many problems congenitally and having too many problems congenitally makes you evil and bad and wrong or whatever. i'm so tired

[thatblondeperson]

Do you think Tim can be considered a victim of sexual harrasment/assault as a lot of girls did surprise kiss him like Steph with the CPR thing, Cissie, and Tam or are people just exagerrating.

To an extent, yes.

Tim has been kissed without being asked by a number of girls and there are more than what I'm about to list.

Darla:

Cissie:

Tam:

And yes, Steph as well, but I'll give a small chronology of their kisses because it irks me to no end that the fandom picked one side in this "toxic ship" debate, negating that Tim and Steph are both perpetrators in the toxicity in their relationship.

Tim kissed Steph first, to her surprise, in Robin #5.

This is what sets off the flirting. Before, Steph does seem to understand that it's a one-sided crush, until Tim kisses her. he does not ask, he does it impulsively.

She then kisses him in Robin #16 to his surprise.

He's not thrilled and she does not ask first before doing this.

Then yes, there's the CPR stunt in Robin #35.

This is fully not okay. But she does make a solid point that no one brings up, in her saying "So it was okay to kiss me". Why don't fans mention that? That this is a toxicity give and take? imo it's the misogyny, but regardless, neither of their actions are okay. No, it was not okay for Tim to kiss Steph, and no, it was not okay for her to kiss him. It's a 2-way street they're both driving recklessly on. They don't discuss their relationship, Tim has a girlfriend, Steph knows he's spoken for, it's clunky and messy and not well written for a while. It gets better when Tim actually gets introspective about his feelings and when they kiss in Robin #44 it's consensual.

And they don't kiss again until Robin #56, one issue before their date, and in this issue Tim does break up with Ari because his feelings for Steph are realized and he wants to be with her.

To try to pick a side in this "who made it toxic?" debate is silly. Tim started it, Steph pursued it, Tim then pursued it back until they got together. Messy.

It's an ugly old trope for girls to just jump kiss the protag/hottie/boycrush in every piece of media. It was very big at the time these comics were published, right in its heyday really. The 80s through the 2000s were rough and we have to look back on it as a problematic product of it's time. Is it sexual assault? Yes. Do I consider these characters to be problematic and toxic and would I call any of them sexual assaulters? No. The writers are being gross and weird here and playing into that teen boy "every girl wants me" (chicks dig the cape...) trope and the girls in question are just tools to remind you that Tim's a Hottie McDreamboat that every girl wants some lip action with. Ugh...

Some more advanced sexual assault? We have to talk about Rose Wilson. Again...writers being gross and creepy, but YIKES.

This is right after Bar5t dies, (can't remember issue, sorry...) and Tim goes back to his room to mourn where Rose is waiting naked in his bed to drunkenly jump him. By being drunk she's not fully consenting either, but Tim has to literally fight her off and cuff her to get her to stop.

The fandom used to pass these panels around as a "teehee Timmy's afraid of boobies!!" joke but like...that's super disgusting and I hope those people understand that this was almost fucking r*pe.

And later when she comes back (again, can't remember issue, sorry...) she's wearing a Robin thong and he ends up shoving her out of his bed which, imo is slightly reasonable given the way she previously acted with him. Why is she trying to fuck his sadness away DC? idfk. But then he takes the fall for it and gets yelled at for hurting Rose and like..I'm over it.

What was their relationship supposed to be????

And then of course there's the whole League of Assassins thing with Timmy ready to produce the next heir.

That "next time on Red Robin" quip makes me gag...

Hey remember that ship that people like? RasTim? The ship where Tim, a 17 year old, is shipped with a grown ass crusty old man who wanted his daughter to r*pe him to produce an heir to the LOA? Remember what a cute and quirky thing that was? Wow, so adorbs. Love wins.

I'm bitter, can you tell?

Tim has definitely been on the short end of the stick when it comes to non-consensual advances, and it's...not good anon. There's not really a way to redeem the creepiness of male comic writers, and I would just love to be a fly on the wall for all these decisions to see why they were made. At the end of the day, it's the whole "sex sells" angle, and for any hetero teen boy who related to Tim, it was to fulfill the fantasy of being Robin, the super cool crimefighter thqat got all the girls I guess...

Just...ew.

Thanks for the ask anon!

[incorrectbartimaeusquotes]

Bartimaeus: And I can be so- Kitty: Gross? Bartimaeus: Well- Kitty: Creepy? Bartimaeus: What? Kitty: Ugly? Bartimaeus: Hey! Kitty: Disgusting? Bartimaeus: Well, sure, but more importantly- The point is I can help!

[mangoposts]

mina I need a story time on everything u JUST SAID

-💐

K so there’s this guy i was talking to for a lil bit his name was BRANDON im exposing him cause he was an actual dickhead andddd i only began talking to him because my sister knew his sister and she was like he’s rlly nice you should talk to him blahhhh and i was like noooo but she gave him my number and he texted me and i had no clue who he was so i texted him back

Long story short i had a convo w him and he called me and he was fine i didn’t like him romantically but we had decent conversation so i would hang out with him from time to time cause he lived close and we become good friendssss we hung out often and he would call me a lot but i NEVER liked this man the way he liked me and i was very verbal with it like he tried making many moves like reaching for my hand or fixing my hair for me or whatever and i used to be like Uuuuughhhhh gross but he kept doing it bc he liked my literal disgusted reaction LMFAOOO

But anyway he noticed i started to get distant like three months in because he started to make too many moves and i didn’t fw that and i didn’t mind losing him as a friend at all so i just went a lil ghost then he texted me a freaky ass paragraph explaining all the things he likes about me saying he sees me in everything and everything he listens to or watches reminds me of him or whatever and saying to give him like one chance and listen this guy wasn’t ugly AT ALL he was very tall and he resembled Vinnie hacker a bit like same features😭😭😭 But i just could not like him in that way so despite the nice/creepy message or whatever i was still like Nooo i don’t really like you like that and then he called me and explained some more and was like can we just hang like one more time nothing romantic i just wanna be able to talk and have a drink with u so i was like okay im not declining a free drink bc im a slut

Anyways

I see him like a week later and we hang and then we go back to his car and we were gonna bar hop (I was kinda drunk and he was fake drinking. Literally completely sober while ordering me drink after drink which was crazy asl) But i noticed he wasn’t on my level so i told him let’s go to a different bar whatever so we’re in his car now and we’re in a literal empty ass parking garage bc he parked on the highest level and it was like 1am at this time

He brings up the fact that he fw me a lot again and despite me being tipsy i was still like listen broooooo you’re just my friend and i like fw u but i do NAWTTTT want a relationship in general let alone with you and then he’s like getting frustrated and he’s like “But i literally do everything for you” And starts complaining and yapping or whatever and im like falling asleep listening to this man im like Listen Bruh im either gonna fall asleep in this car or we’re going to go home bc i ain’t having this convo and then he started threatening me and was like “If you fall asleep you won’t wake up” And that was literally enough for me to take out my phone and text my sister to get me an uber but i did it casually by laughing at him and i was like “Whatever man” While texting her 😭😭😭 But i was tripping lowkey

Anyways he did have a weapon on him and he was going to use it if i didn’t just feed into his delusion and start saying “I do like you im just messing around” 😁 So i basically just acted flirty and shit until i knew i had a ride then i leaned over and unlocked his doors while like kissing his shoulder and left LMFAOOOOOO the ops were AFTER HIM🤍 But to be honest i don’t know if he suffered a consequence actually

He was a cancer man btw just saying ion know

[macherswifey]

greasy, ugly, dirty, freaky, stupid, annoying, psychotic, disgusting, rude, manic, creepy, uncaring, unfunny, mean, nasty, hateful, boring, violent, crazy, cruel, horrible, gross, filthy, awful, pathetic, obnoxious, insane, terrible, toxic, ridiculous, evil, weird, freak

[allcrush]

wdym u dont think im creepy weird gross disgusting n ugly:(

[feydrautha]

We all know why people think Larys is ugly and undesirable (even though Matthew is hot af, and is still super hot as Larys). Even before episode 9, they treated him as some pervert or disgusting man, when he never mistreated Alicent in any way, he was her closest confidant for 10 years, she enjoyed his compagny, had intimate candlelight dinners with him. Sorry but no one called Harwin a pervert when he stared and smiled seductively at 17 yo Rhaenyra, or when Daemon took his teenage niece to a brothel, proceed to make out until he pulls away and abandon her there with her pants down. Its just blatant ableism, they think disabled people aren’t capable of being loved and are inherently gross. I hate to be serious on Tumblr because I'm here for a good time, but this is something that's been pissing me off and making me very uncomfortable not only as a fan of Larys but as a disabled person myself.

It really is so telling. We didn't see that sort of behaviour wrt characters like Petyr, Roose, or Ramsay where it was all "they're creepy, evil, and hot". Matthew is an attractive guy, and yet at least one actor stan account on Twitter crops him out of pictures with his castmates because they project their dislike toward Larys on him.

People always wish for character X they hate to commit some atrocity so they can be widely disliked, it's so irritating. More than enough people were openly saying Larys was going to sexually abuse Alicent from two very loud sides of the fandom, one because they hate Alicent and the other because they like her and went "omg, they're not doing what I want them to do with her so she'll get raped" like? Get a fucking grip. They will call Larys a creep for having talked to Alicent in the godswood and imply he's behaving inappropriately towards a woman 5-7 years younger than him, but zilch about Harwin, who is minimum 10 years older than Rhaenyra and the father of three of her children, but it's okay because he is hot.

This fandom is truly on some shit. It reminds me of how Tyrion was treated by people who claimed to like the Lannisters but really just meant Cersei, Jaime, and Tywin, but now it's Team Green stans who like Alicent, Helaena, Aemond, Criston, and hate on Larys. They plain and simply don't consider it to be ableism to be hugely and overtly hateful toward a disabled character because "they're evil anyway" (which will be interesting to see given how in the books Larys is implied to play for both sides to a certain degree, so the morally ambiguity is right. fucking. there).

I'm so sorry it's an unpleasant experience for you, I wish people would either shut the hell up or think before they speak and then lash out when someone rightfully calls them out on their bullshit.

[josiebelladonna]

Perform a word association exercise with the word “sex.”

Nausea. Discomfort. “Big deal”. “No big deal.” Deserving. Undeserving. A contest. Popularity. Anxiety. Depression. Trash. Garbage. Taboo. Caught. Emptiness. Blackness. Immaturity. Disillusioned. Bored. Boring. Boredom. Lame. Uncomfortable. Elusive. Anger. Heartache. Heartbreak. Headaches. Stomachaches. Achy joints. Diseases. Infections. Oversaturation. Annoying. Obnoxious. Violence. Mistrust. Traditions. Daydreams. Nightmares. Awfulness. Disgusting. Stupidity. Tears. Cutting. Hitting. Horror. Trauma. Crosses. Bibles. Eye rolls. Pathetic. Arrogance. Powerless. Hopeless. Useless. Listlessness. Indifference. Anxiety. Uncaring. Cruelty. “Point and laugh.” Ridicule. Tedium. Unsafe. Abuse. Trauma. Bullshit. Horseshit. Gun to my head. Children. Babies. Baby fever. Tools. Sterility. Fertility. Infertility. Pointless. Pleasureless. Mindless. Loveless. Lies. Liars. Ugly. Cold. Gross. Unnatural. Cringe. Avoidance. Pain.

Would you say that you have or have not had a strong sexual drive in your life? How does and did this level of sexual drive affect your intimate relationships?

I don’t have a strong sex drive. In fact, I don’t think I ever had a sex drive. I barely masturbate, and the times I do, it has not given me any good feelings. Maybe… fleeting feelings of lust but it was nothing strong or powerful, though. It always wells up only to go away again. I just ask myself, “why bother? There’s no one here tickling my fancy, so why bother developing something that somewhat resembles to an appetite.” I know I’m not asexual because I have actually felt it before.

I’m not a sexual being. I’m a lonely person with creepy tendencies. I’m not a sexy person, and I have never seen myself as such when I think about it.

Growing up, I just told people I was straight because I didn’t want them to know that I’m actually not. But… I do love men, though. I really love men, actually. I think men are absolutely gorgeous and decadent and sexy. Hell, I have a crush on a man right now. But I also love women, and nonbinary people. I landed on pansexual. It’s good to know that there’s a name for it, but I still have so much shame and anxiety and frustration about it. I can’t picture myself with someone, no matter what gender they are, out of both the fact that I’m just terrible at meeting someone and the fact that my severe lack of libido scares me. I’m frustrated by the mere presence of my own sexuality that I don’t know what to do with it and I have disowned it. It’s not mine and it never was mine to begin with. I want you to make fun of it because I know it’s stupid. You’re not gonna hurt my feelings by pointing and laughing, if anything I expect it. “It’s natural, enjoy yourself!” If it’s so fucking natural, why does no one care about it?

What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

I just keep hitting my head against the wall with these stupid, cringe questions in the hope that they should be helping me unpack the shame but they only make me feel worse because I remember how much of a fool I am. I vent but I find no way out of it. The suggested way out of it is so hackneyed that I don’t even want to bother trying it. There has to be a better way.

I don’t know how to feel comfortable with my desires and every time I try and seek out advice on how to feel more comfortable with them, it just… doesn’t feel good enough. The fact I seek out advice should say that I want to feel comfortable, but it’s not enough. The other thing is I have very specific taste. I read erotica or kink and there’s just so much more of it every time I turn around it seems, and none of it gets me rolling. Maybe I’m just picky, i’ll admit it.

When I was a teenager, no one ever made a pass on me, and I don’t understand why this is so hard to understand, either. Girls didn’t like me, period, and boys always gave me that awkward little smile whenever our eyes met. I didn’t actually start getting looks until about two years ago. I never dressed the part: I didn’t have to, even though I did consider it at times.

I feel so much shame about my sexuality that I find it hard to even so much as move some days. It’s a dead weight on my chest that makes it hard to breathe. Sex is just… something I don’t think about, and something I actually don’t want, either, like when I really think about it, I can take it or leave it. “It’s a beautiful, natural thing!” I see help bloggers tell me. Is it really, though? What’s beautiful about the hordes of consequences to it? What’s beautiful about having your body violated? What’s beautiful about the inability to orgasm, either by nature or outside circumstances catching up to you? What’s beautiful about putting your faith in someone else and your relationship with them can end randomly at any time? Call me cynical, but I can’t think about sex or relationships without thinking about the worst parts of it.

I don’t think about it all the time because I really have no reason to. I get no questions or interest in this part of me anyway, so why bother? And whenever I do, it’s always presumptuous. Everyone always thought I was seeing someone and they were shocked when I said I was single. Now I get absolutely nothing. I’m not saying I miss being interrogated like that—and the day I do is the day we’re all fucked—but why should I even bother putting inventory in something that no one cares about and I find unpleasant to talk about on top of that. It’s unpleasant. My sexuality is unpleasant and worth no one’s time. Not an iota of good feelings or memories to be found here. No, it’s all shit. It’s all garbage.

I always befriended guys, too, and everyone always thought we were “a relationship” (never was, though, it was all platonic), so when I befriended more, I would hear words like “player” or “not like the other girls” or “secretly lesbian” thrown my way when none of it was true. It got lonely really quick.

Another struggle is labeling it. OH GOD THIS. That whole phase I went through in 2021-2022 consisted of nothing but this, and i’m admittedly back there again. It always feels like I have a gun to my head, too, like I’m supposed to figure out a label and NOW. They’ll tell you to take your time with it and, believe me I did. But when you’re changing labels like people change their socks, and you’re surrounded by people who are just soooo comfortable in their fucking precious sexuality, it becomes less reassuring so fast. “But you’re not alone!” I have really grown to dislike the whole “you’re not alone” mantra mainly because it’s everywhere. You see the same word or phrase over and over again that it loses meaning.

I think my desires are trash and I don’t see eye to eye with the “real” raunchy people on this, either. I’m supposed to just be into good ol fashioned missionary and cowgirl and doggy style and maybe some light bdsm, any other kinks are weird and gross.

In what ways do you nurture your personal sense of sexuality, and/or sexual relationships?

I have no relationship. Never have, never will, either. I guess I just have too many biases about sex and sexuality, and I don’t know how to undo them, either. I don’t know how to nurture my sexuality, if anything I just want to leave it to waste. I don’t care about it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to care about it.

I guess… I draw. I draw what I love. I draw to exemplify the female gaze (and no one seems to understand that, either: to other people, I just “draw musicians” when I don’t. I do plenty of other things). I write. …I live on a mountain top, 20 minutes away from a trump bastion. I have no options.

I like jewel tones. I like odd colors like bright pink and green. I like black and white. I like stuff that’s form-fitting and also low-slung jeans: I do not like anything high-waisted unless it’s worn with crop tops, otherwise I hate it. I don’t get why everyone clutches at themselves at the mere mention of anything low-rise. I like denim and leather and silk and velvet and corduroy. I like stuff that’s low cut—leftover from being heavy and struggling with weight most of my life as I’ve tried to wear T-shirts and the collar always feels like it’s choking me. I like camisoles. I like pajamas. I like underwear: as much as I cringe at the thought of wearing lingerie, I do like just wearing a bra, and I do have a teddy in my closet. I like to wear jeans: I have never felt good in a dress before, aside from the flannel Patagonia ones I used to wear when I was little. I dunno, I find most dresses a bitch to walk around in and sit in, and I hate how skirts always wants to blow up (I’ve lived in windy areas my whole life): those flannel ones were short enough I could play around in them without having to put on pants, but they were warm and soft.

After a shower, I let my hair hang down for a few hours before I brush it: if I haven’t showered in a few days, I comb my bangs up into this pompadour upon my head so I have this Dennis Miller thing going until I feel like climbing into the shower for another round. My mom says I look like I came from the beach. Only makeup I have is chapstick and nail polish: when I was little, I’d put on lipstick and eyeshadow and mascara but I look like a cross between a clown and a hooker. “You’d be so much prettier, though!” No, I’m not, trust me.

Is all of this supposed to make me feel sexy? I feel like I’m missing something here.

Nope, sorry, I can’t touch myself and feel an ounce of pleasure. I touch my lips and my breasts, and I’m having a hard time seeing pleasuring myself as an art, too—I don’t know, it’s hard to put my head around it. What’s artful about sticking my finger up my clit to stimulate myself even though I know I won’t enjoy it?

My body? What about it? It was very skinny, it got very overweight, and now it’s losing weight. Any questions?

Why should I play dress up when I don’t get any attention? Dress for myself… I watch project runway and I really don’t see eye to eye with fashion, what’s considered “high fashion”: I don’t know if I just have piss poor taste or if fashion really is bullshit.

Write about your first sexual experiences. Interpret sexual experience any way like, even it’s about you first kiss.

“Even if it’s about your first kiss” I love how this assumes that everyone who does these things have had their first kiss, like yes, everyone gets some no matter how undesirable, unattractive, and fucked up they are.

There was the first time I touched myself. I was very young—I would think all children do this when they’re extremely young. I was in front of a mirror and I opened my legs and looked at myself there. I touched my clit the first time and I remember it really tickled me. I felt my labia and even stuck a finger or two in.

I did it in front of my conservative grandmother and she swatted my hand. 27 years ago or not, I remember it.

Write about your last sexual experience. How was it different from your first sexual experience?

So I’m (attempting, anyway) to make a habit of putting my hand down my shorts to touch myself while I’m just watching tv, much like how I like to pump my dumbbells when I’m being idle. First time I did it was weird. It tickled and I unlocked some odd feelings within me, and I don’t know if it was arousal at all: I felt a lot of anxiety, a lot of nausea, a lot of old often painful memories. I don’t know if I’m going with it all this week, simply because I don’t know if it did anything positive. 

But I just did it while I was watching tv, like I didn’t even think about it. Fingertips and fingernails on my clit, that was it—my mom was in the room, too.

What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you needed to know?

Sex ed from middle school onwards, plus I was told that all guys don’t care about me and just want to get in my pants over and over by my drug addict father. I was never told about pleasure or anything good or that kinks are good or the range of sexual orientations or anything genuinely useful. Just your standard “insert penis into vagina, don’t have babies until you’re ready and only do it to have a baby” and that was it. It was always having babies, too, like god forbid you ever want to have sex because it’s fun or what have you.

I was also bombarded by these messages of “don’t be promiscuous or a slut, don’t get a reputation, no one will want you otherwise” and “girls aren’t supposed to want sex because it’s gross and not ladylike.” Level up and always be ladylike or no one will love you. You have to always be ladylike and proper. I also heard bullshit like “if you have sex, you WILL get pregnant, FACT.” (i.e., the whole “men force abortion on women” thing that pro-life feminists claim is science fiction to me)

I was also always told “if you have sex, you’ll contract a disease, guarantee it”. Cue the nausea whenever someone asks me about some sex life that I allegedly have because apparently fucking everyone has a fucking sex life and yet nobody told me. I can’t win.

How has your views of sex changed over time?

My view of it is… cynical, to say in the least. I’m kind of, admittedly, starting to get the whole “reclaim your sexuality” thing, but I just because I’m starting to get it doesn’t mean I’m feeling in my power, though. I have no frickin power (lol, I said “frickin”). And I still hate the phrase “sexual being” for the same reason as before: everyone says it but the meaning is elusive and everyone assumes you should just know what it means. The future is not bright on this level, like i can’t put my head around the idea of someone wanting me.

I found those other questions (the one with the question that asks about vibrancy and I’m scratching my head about it) from some psychologist and those have helped me more than these: those are more specific and I can just look back on the past week, whereas these always made me angry.

The whole concept of “desirability” is completely alien to me, like no one ever told me about this until just recently. No. I’m not desirable and I never have been, either.

Describe a sexual fantasy you have.

Something with merfolk and the beach. It’s a story that’s always crossed my mind but I have never really had the time or energy to write it out.

Turn a sexual experience into a piece of short fiction. Describe the setting. Use dialogue. Write erotic description.

When you’re so inexperienced that even this feels in vain. I honestly envy people who can write things like erotic memoirs.

Write about the best sex partner you have ever been with. Describe a special time together.

She had five fingers, all without polish on the nails, which were a bit short and freshly trimmed. Her skin was smooth, a little dry but smooth.

I hadn’t been touched in some time and yet, while laying in bed one morning, those fingers wandered down to my belly button for a gentle caress. When I rolled over onto my back, she worked her way down to inside my underwear for a touch. She ever so gentle scratched me on the hood and it felt interesting. Neither good nor bad, but interesting. It got me thinking.

(Got really tired of saying I’m a virgin all the time)

What changes if any would you like to make about your sexual self?

All of it. I want to change all of it. This is supposed to be pleasurable, right? Why am I so anxious?

I have no control. I have no sense of a grasp on it. I hardly ever think about it. I’m desperately trying—and failing—to figure out what I want and need. I hate that I have no sex drive once I really, really think about it—and I swore I did. I can’t handle myself. I have NO self-esteem in this area. And I’m so depressed about all of this that I find I’m just so completely overwhelmed by this.

Write a sexual confession to your partner or someone you admire. Be straight forward or as kinky as you would like.

I have a crush on you. That’s all I have to say. I don’t know how you’re going to react to me from here on out, and I also don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but I have to be blunt now. I have a crush on you. I have no control whatsoever, but I have a crush on you. It’s stupid, I know.

What would you like to learn about your sexual self?

Really, just… why am I like this? That was a criticism I saw of my cartoons when I first started making them was “why do they look like that?” And I wish I could say more than “they just do.”

I have the worst luck with relationships—I really mean it: I didn’t start getting looks until a couple of years ago, NO ONE looked at me and I never believed it when someone told me about that boy checking me out (there never was any boy). I have never been asked out, only fixed up and spent a weekend with a friend that was jokingly treated as a date. 

What is there to learn here? Why I’m so bad at this? I can tell you that without even thinking twice about it: no one ever encouraged me. I grew up with the most backwards views on sexuality and there’s no end in sight even as I’ve grown up.

I’m not a sexual person. I just heard so many bad things and stories about sex and sexuality along the way that I fucking refuse to ever believe that it can even be a source of pleasure. I heard so many times to look away whenever two people kissed or that any romance was met with eye rolls (but you know, feel free to kiss out in public: cue the confusion). What does it mean to even be desirable, like what the fuck is that?

I have such specific tastes, like i can’t read anything erotic without wondering how it fits with what I like, and it never does.

I guess… my values? But I did that before—they’re love, curiosity, well-being, quality, autonomy, and fun—but I don’t feel good about it, though.

Really, the best way to look at my sexuality is to look at my art, because I draw what I love and what I find interesting. And yet no one seems to understand this. I remember when my dad pulled me aside and told me I should stop “because all I do is draw musicians.” No, I draw people I find attractive and interesting: some of them just so happen to play music.

What part of your sexuality seems the most mysterious to you?

Not necessarily to me specifically, but what’s this whole thing that sex is supposed to be holistic and sacred? The way it gets shoved into our faces on a regular basis while being treated as just the worst thing ever, it obviously isn’t.

I’m so lost on values. I mean, it’s bad enough that when I think about what I value on a non-sexual level, I can’t even answer that: throw sex into the mix and I feel like I’m walking through a fog.

I’m so lost on labels and who I’m attracted to, too. No, I’m sorry, I can’t take my time, this is driving me nuts.

When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?

“I’m the only one here.”

What, if anything, about sex distresses you?

I worry about getting pregnant, and I’ve always known that this is why I’m so bored with regular old penetrative sex, and why I feel genuinely repulsed by the affluence of it in fanfic: it’s the weirdest thing to me, it’s like everyone has baby fever, whereas I don’t want children. Plus, I’m genuinely grossed out by the thought of being filled with cum.

I worry about falling ill, too. Need I say more.

My poor stomach has been through a lot, too: I worry about having to run to the bathroom.

The fact that i’ll never have it, either. I’m a virgin at 30. 30 year olds have had it several times, i’m lucky to have some rando on the street even look at me.

I just don’t like talking about sex, either. People are so comfortable talking about sex and all things sex and I’m usually thinking about a million different other things like it doesn’t even cross my mind.

Are we surprised that I hate this side of life?

What change would you like to make in your sexual behavior?

I don’t know how to be sexy, like I’m genuinely surprised when someone tells me something I did was hot. Worse, I don’t know if they’re saying that just because or if it’s sincere.

Wait. I’m supposed to enjoy myself? What?

What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

I don’t know what sex means to me. It’s just a thing that happens and I’m trying to understand the beliefs about it. No one is attracted to me, I get nothing out of it, and I simply don’t “get some”, either, so why should I bother?

The reason why I’ve been holding back so much is because I cringe at myself, at my true thoughts and I worry about being found out. I cringe at what I like, and it always happens after the fact. I cringe because I’ve been taught to cringe. I know nothing I think or feel matters, especially on a sexual level.

What even is sex appeal? Is it just some natural quality that just automatically comes to select people? What is this?

What change would you like to make in your sexual emotions or feelings?

I feel like there’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me… for being attracted to men, like I’m so ashamed of this. I’m attracted to men and I feel bad about it. My sex drive is so fucking low and I’m helpless to change that.

I have emotions all tied up in sexual desire so it’s hard to tell the difference between the two.

What memories came to mind from the previous questions?

Nothing good or happy. 

What do you like most about your current partner? Least?

I’m a virgin. 🎵 I’ll be cleaning my gun… 🎵

Make three (or more) sexual wishes. Don't hold back!

I wish I could talk about this freely. I wish I was hot. I wish I was accepted. I wish I belonged. I wish I didn’t have to worry. I wish I couldn’t feel hysterical laughter whenever I say I’m a virgin. I wish I had a sexuality that worked. I wish I could crush normally. I wish I had power and prowess and agency. I wish I had everything that I don’t have and can’t have.

Make a list of your sexual partners and write a few phrases to describe the relationship. What patterns do you see?

After years of research, I finally came to the perfect scientific conclusion: I’m a virgin and I’m lucky to have anyone even look at me. STOP USING THE WORD “PARTNER”! PLEASE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!

If you have a sexual partner now, write about this relationship. What works for you in this sexual relationship? What would you like to change?

Boy, you know, my hand not only does things to my clit and tits, but it can also become a fist to break the face of whoever implores the regular use of a clinical, completely loveless and soulless word like “partner”.

Describe what your ideal sexual relationship would look like today.

I don’t know. I don’t know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like, so I guess … healthy is the opposite? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.

If you have been sexually dissatisfied, what has kept you in the relationship?

Doesn’t apply.

Are you able to ask your partner for what you want sexually? How do you do that?

Nope, and I wouldn’t know how to ask, either. If I have a hard time asking my mom if we could get soup on a grocery trip, what makes anyone think I am going to feel at ease asking if I want to be fingered.

If you have difficulty asking for what you want, what are you telling yourself that makes asking difficult?

“They won’t care. They’re gonna laugh at me and reject me. They’re going to get angry with me. This is stupid and gross and crass and we all know it. Why do I even bother.”

What are your sexual limits with your partner?

First of all, don’t ever call me your “partner”, I fucking hate that word. I hate how normie it is, I hate how everyone uses it including couples who have been together a long time… I want to know when it was normalized because it’s so sterile and cold and influencer-y. Call me that and I’ll leave. “But nonbinary people use it”, see, that, I understand completely, barring it’s implied that someone in the couple isn’t cishet. But I can’t tell just by looking at you. Trust me, I learned the hard way on that. I have so much baggage with “partner” that writing it just leaves a weird taste in my mouth.

Second, NO CREAMPIES. I- no, just… no.

The word “daddy” has been all but ruined for me, too.

What sexual behavior won't you do or would do only under certain conditions? Write about those to clarify your boundaries.

Please don’t overdo pain. I like a little bit, but my body is actually very sensitive and too much pain is too much.

I don’t like it too rough: I’m slow and sensual for the most part, but a little quickness goes a long way if I think about it.

No period sex, please. I don’t know, just… b l o o d on the good sheets or nice upholstery, and my own, no less.

In what way might your relationship with your partner deepen or improve by talking openly about sex?

I change my mind from before, and I can’t see talking about sex doing anything good. “Communication is key!” You know, just because you say it a bunch of times, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. I guess it’s just my inexperience talking but when I really look at this, I’m starting to question my answer before. I can’t see a conversation doing any justice, like it really is a make or break situation.

Can you recall your first discovery of sexual fantasy? What was it about?

All I know is I was very young and I didn’t understand what was happening, either.

Write out three of your favorite sexual fantasies. If this is new to you, make one up now.

Okay, fine. I have worked with fantasy before, and I thought I hadn’t a shred of sexual fantasy before. Seasons Grey is pure fantasy, with the whole teacher-student trope at the core. Love Is Not Enough is fantasy, with the strippers at the root. Blood & Chocolate is all about my food fetish and belly kink. All my kinktober one shots are fantasies. Hell, you know what, any fics that come out of me have some kind of a fantasy embedded inside of them: I just wasn’t really aware of it.

How have you used your sexual fantasies up until now?

Haven’t, at least not outside of writing. I hate how this assumes that I can, too.

What began as a fantasy that you later took into action?

The time I told Alex I’m in love with his voice. It was way before I wrote voice kink one shot in eclipse, too. That one in particular was admittedly fun to write.

What sexual fantasies work the best to arouse you?

I was pretty aroused writing Chave do Mar: Alex as a merman with a long shark tail, smooth milky skin, and black curls tousled over his shoulder. Same with Blood & Chocolate, too: Alex being over fed and it shows up on his body. The Black Orchid scenes from now it’s dark were pretty hot, too, when I think back to writing them: Joey surrounded by burlesque strippers.

I don’t think I can use any of them to really get me off.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a friend? What was the reaction?

…it’s pretty across the board.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a lover? What was the reaction?

I don’t know if I could be courageous enough to do that.

How important is it for you to share your sexual fantasies? What are your reasons for sharing or not? Does sharing fantasies break their "spell"?

You know that fanfic meme that talks about writing your dream fanfic filled with all your fantasies and dreams but choosing not to and keeping it locked away in your mind because you want it to yourself? Yeah, I don’t relate to that at all—then again , i don’t relate to fanfic memes, period (“oh, I should be writing but I’m on tumblr hur hur”, get a life, all of you). I write them out because I want to make sense of them for the most part. I’ve never really seen them as all that mystifying: just these weird little scenes that roll around inside me. I literally don’t care, they’re stupid and pointless and painfully unsexy.

What, if anything, do you find distressing about your sexual thoughts or fantasies? Write about that to clarify it for yourself.

On their own, I don’t think they’re special or gossip-worthy or revolutionary or life-changing. They just are what they are.

But just the fact they exist distresses me. Why do I feel this way? Why am I doing this? This isn’t normal. Everyone is judging me and mocking me.

If you could say three things to the world about the nature of your personal sexuality and really be heard, understood, and accepted, what would you say?

I’ve got nothing. I don’t think I would really be heard, understood, and accepted no matter what I said. Everyone forgets my name eventually.

What were the main messages (directly or indirectly) that you learned about sex? Which messages did you keep or reject?

(Yeah, I replaced the next two with different ones from another place because I genuinely don’t remember when I first learned the feelings of arousal, nor do I give a shit about a stupid poem that I can’t emulate from anyway because I never experienced “great sexuality or eroticism” in my life)

I was basically taught that sex is dirty and for men’s desire only: women are not supposed to desire it, plus all men are perverts and rapists—anyone who says otherwise is lying. I was also taught that men just want to objectify you and use you for their pleasure. I was also taught that you have to be a certain height and body weight or you’re unattractive and therefore disposable. I never heard “beautiful” thrown my way from my peers: it was always from my parents; I heard “ugly” from my peers more than anything. I didn’t learn jack shit about the lgbtq+ community until I was like 19. I was taught strict gender roles. I was taught that my personal boundaries are meaningless and I’m free real estate.

I don’t think sex is dirty, but I don’t know how I feel about it being “sacred” or “holistic”. If I’m not supposed to desire it, what the hell am I doing? Oh, yeah, like women can’t objectify men when I see it in droves. BMI is eugenics. Gender roles are bullshit. Bonus: not everyone is meant to have children, and not everyone is meant for a relationship.

Which of the five senses is most sexual to you?

Sense of touch. The feeling of smooth skin, of a warm curvy body, of soft hair, of bristly hair… it gets very sexual when you think about it.

Describe your first sexual encounter. How old were you? Was it consensual? If not, what resources have you used to help heal from that encounter? If it was consensual, what did that experience mean to you at the time?

I was 18 and it was the day that Dan Wheldon was killed. I had just gotten home and a text from my dad about it. I get online to find a boy who used to sit behind me in geometry class completely beside himself because Dan was his hero. I remember it was Sunday evening, around dinner time: I told him I had to get something to eat because I was hungry and I would be right back. I came back and we talked for hours. Evening became night, and then I blurted out something that made him laugh, and then he made me laugh. One thing leads to another and I say something kind of sexual and it went from there. We chatted and texted back and forth for a few weeks after that until I got slammed with midterms.

As for meaning, I’m not sure. I don’t know how to feel about it, either. I don’t even know if it counts as an encounter, either, but it’s all I got.

Who was your first romantic, sexual partner? What about him or her appealed most to you? What did you hope would happen with that relationship?

Aside from the above, I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never had a girlfriend. 30 years old and I have never even been kissed. I got sick and tired of hearing “oh, you’ll find love some day” when I was 17, and now I know in my heart it won’t ever happen. I’ll never forget this one time when my dad was talking about one of my old friends and his girlfriend and how they “look so cute together” and I pointed out how it made me very uncomfortable and he gave me that “you’ll find love some day” without even a second thought.

It’s so exploitative, a little condescending, too, like it tells me everyone has bought into the whole “there’s someone for everyone” horse shit when I learned a long time ago that it’s horse shit. And it’s unfair, like you don’t know how my life will turn out. I don’t even know how my life is going to turn out. I’m just stating a fact, I didn’t ask for you to be fortune teller.

Do you believe that sex and emotional intimacy are linked, or is it possible to have a sexual relationship without emotional attachment? What experiences influence your answer?

The two can exist without each other. Casual sex is a thing, plus you can be emotionally attached but not want it.

Just… my own observations about this. I thought I was asexual and, even though I’m not, I did learn this along the way.

If you could have the perfect sex life right now, what would that look like?

The idea of me having a sex life, period, is so beyond me, like I don’t know what it’s even supposed to be. No, I don’t deserve sex or romance. Those are reserved for people who are well-adjusted.

How do you define “awesome” sex (i.e. what makes sex better than good)?

Makes me think of “awesome sauce”, which completely sucks the eroticism out of this. What even quantifies as “good sex” anyways?

How do you feel about PDA? (You can take this as far as “kinks in public,” too.)

Can’t stand it. Can’t stand seeing it, can’t stand the thought of it happening to me; some things are just better left in private. As for kinks in public, though? I don’t know, that seems a bit much.

What do you think about when you masturbate?

I do it when I’m watching tv so I’m not really thinking about anything.

What are your sure-fire turn-ons (and/or turn-offs)?

Turn-ons: touches, really all over my body. I like soft touch. I like being held. I like fantasy. I like intelligence. I like sweetness. I’m all about feeling and being close. I love Alex’s chest hair. I love Eric in knit sweaters with white buttons. I like boys in crop tops and leather that shows off their skin. I like velvet. I like silk. I like denim and corduroy.

What are your thoughts about porn?

One complaint I do have with it is the unrealistic expectations. No guy is like that. No girl is like that. I have no opinion at this point, actually.

What are your thoughts on foreplay? Favorite types? Best experiences? Wishes?

It’s still underrated. A few kisses or hickeys on a sensitive spot like on the neck or the belly, or fingers on the labia and lips on the thighs can take you a long way, and I can say that just from my own writing.

What parts of your lover’s body are you most drawn to? (If you don’t currently have a lover, feel free to consider past or future lovers.)

“Lover” is another pathetically overused word. My eyes have always wandered to the middle of the body. I don’t care if it’s slim and delicate or round and thick, either, I want to feel and hold, especially there.

If you were to “recreate” the early days of your favorite sexy relationship, what would they look like? Would you change anything?

It’s weird to think that I can actually answer this: I don’t think I would change anything. Maybe I could have been a little more upfront with him about how I feel about him earlier on because I just think about that one night in March-ish 2021, but there was a point to that, though. I wanted to ease into it, and there had to be some sort of opportunity to find with him because I see people hitting on him all the time, and I always think I’m being inappropriate with him, oh my god 🫣.

He feels so elusive now, and I have no doubt that fucking… I don’t even know what to call her, but she has a lot to do with it. I’ve seen how he is outside of her, though: he’s Mr. Social. When she enters the picture, he’s suddenly Mr. Standoffish Homebody, like someone flipped a switch, it’s unsettling, tbh.

What do you want more of in your sex life?

I don’t know. I’m boring.

Would you ever visit a sex therapist? What would be the reason and what do you think their advice would be for you?

Sign me up.

Why do I have a sexuality in the first place.

They’re probably going to give me some of the same old shit I see when I ask Google, so no, I take that back, I want my money back.

Is there anything about sex that embarrasses you, causes shame or fear, or makes you nervous? Or…what’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you during sex?

My fear of pregnancy and disease plus I worry about shitting myself.

Just the act itself. I literally can’t imagine anyone being that crazy about me, like I am not beautiful, I am not sexy… and I hate the expectation that comes with those words, like “you’re a woman! Be beautiful and sexy 24/7!” Fuck off. I could go away right now and no one would care or wonder what it would have been like to make love to me or toss a dick in me.

Talking about it makes me unbelievably nervous, too, like there’s a reason why I apologize for indulging in kink. I know it’s gross.

What do you tend to fantasize or dream about when it comes to sex? What kinds of porn or kink are you drawn to?

Last night, I ventured through the voice kink, belly kink, leather, latex, and lingerie tags. Don’t really know what to make of that, though.

If you were to create a sexy playlist intended for a hot date at home, what would be on it?

I have never made a sexy playlist in my life so I wouldn’t know where to start. This is another thing I have to look up because I don’t know.

What are your love languages and how do they apply to your sexual needs? What about your lover?

I’m all about touch and spending time. I am touch-starved and I have all the time in the world. 

No idea how it applies to my voice kink but do I have to say how it applies to my textile kink, my belly kink, my hair kink, my water kink, my wax kink, or anything? “What about your lover”, piss right off.

How do you feel about being naked?

No opinion. It just … is what it is. I don’t fixate on flaws (I never could, either, even with my troubled relationship with myself), nor do I see it as a beautiful thing: it just it what it is. I take care of myself but that’s about it. What do you do with it. Why is this controversial. Now, when I think about being naked with someone else, look the other way.

What’s your favorite way to be seduced?

You put your guitar on your lap, you brush your hair really nice, you have this little twinkle in your eye like you’re up to no good or you’re secretly going commando out of camera, you have a glass of wine in hand, and you talk in a very soft, husky voice when I ask you about your underwear. I think.

Do you have any trust issues surrounding sex or your sexual relationship(s)?

I have nothing but trust issues when it comes to sex. It’s honestly horrifying.

What do you look like, and sound like, when sex feels good for you?

Whenever I write something erotic, every so often I have to stop myself and close my eyes because I feel things moving. I get really quiet (everyone talks about screaming during sex: I’m the exact opposite, I get really quiet) and my hands start itching for the feeling. I bite my lip a lot, too—sometimes I do that without even thinking, like it just happens. It’s a long slow burn with me.

This is literally all I’ve got, sorry.

What is the most sexually daring thing you’ve ever done?

Flirted with Alex on stories. I’ve always fucking sucked at flirting (I once went for five years without flirting with anyone because I suck so hard at it), let alone with a guy like him. I love calling him “baby” and by his name, especially.

Flirted with Eric on stories (I called him “big guy”) and got him to take a selfie from the toilet. Wish I was making that up.

I asked “are we going to see a Jeff Becerra OnlyFans any time soon?” and mf literally replied with “only if the price is right” and the eggplant emoji, even though I was just joking around.

Any time I post risqué art on instagram because they’re assholes with that sort of thing. No clue how threads’ll react to it.

When now it’s dark was being written and I posted those ink drawings on instagram (completely oblivious to the fact Joey was watching me).

There was also one time in school one of my friends had his pants hanging down a bit and I tried to pants him and he caught me. I did get to pinch his butt when no one was looking, though.

In your opinion, what does it mean to be good in bed?

I don’t know what this means.

Have you ever had sex in a public place?

WHYYYYYYYYYYY would I do this?

When and how did you lose your virginity, and how did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?

I’ll probably die a virgin. 

Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time, watched others have sex, been watched? If not, would you?

I think I’m polyamorous so I’d definitely try it. As for voyeurism… maybe I’d like to be watched? Don’t know about watching others, though.

How often do you masturbate and what works best for you?

Well, I started doing it again, during idle moments when I’m not doing anything. I’m just using my fingers right now: let’s see how it goes. I can’t say I’ll have any desire to use a toy. Maybe I’m not doing it right because I have done it but I barely get off at all, and I’m more disgusted with myself than anything.

Maybe I’m just not trying enough, but I look at some on lingerie sites like Spencer’s or wherever, and I shake my head. “Find one that’s best for you”, they tell me. Yeah, but nothing here is jumping out at me. I’m going to look ridiculous in lingerie, too.

What are you most grateful or thankful for in your sex life?

Nothing. Literally nothing. Grateful for the pain? The headaches? The heavy feeling in my chest?

What is your favorite sexual position, and why?

Cowgirl, I guess?

Have you ever had an “inappropriate” crush? What was it about that person that drew you in, and what made it “not okay”?

I have one right now, on Alex. He’s kind of everything I love in another person: he’s intelligent, he’s musical, he’s passionate about what he does, he’s very sensual with a very sensual voice, he’s sweet, he’s an animal lover, he’s got an interesting appearance…

Problem is he’s older and more established and living clear across the country from me… and he’s already got a relationship. The thing that bothers me most about it is I really, truly want to like her, I really do, I’m not joking about this, but I can’t bring myself to do it. She irritates the ever-loving fuck out of me. It’s like… do you ever see someone and for whatever reason, they rub you the wrong way and you nope right out of it (plus, you’re afraid to fuck around and find out)? That’s me with her. I don’t get what he sees in her, like I always want to puke whenever he tags her in a post.

I can’t explain it but there’s something weirdly mean-spirited about her, mean-spirited and kind of nefarious. I think it’s the way she’s like “I’m a shy person” and yet all the shy people I’ve known didn’t even bother with social media or the internet altogether, like they didn’t have an Instagram just to spite itself. This, and the fact she refuses to join in photographs with him… something about it just doesn’t hit right.

The whole thing, my crush on him and my dislike of her, it’s stupid. I feel really stupid.

Have you (or would you) ever tried role play? What roles are you drawn to?

I guess the student-teacher thing or the human-vampire thing or the human-merperson thing. I don’t care if it happens or not.

Are you more dominant or submissive (or a bit of both)?

Both. Yes, even with as much as I hate the stereotypical female role and find it restrictive, there’s a sub in me.

How do you feel about your own body?

I don’t like it. What’s worse is I don’t know what I dislike about it, it’s just this overall, generalized feeling. Parents called me beautiful but if my piss-poor track record with my peers and crushes and this whole thing here is anything to go by… it should be clear that I’m not good-looking. I only started actually getting hit on very recently, and looking at my appearance when I was a teenager, I did not look good at all. It makes sense that no one ever made a pass on me.

I’ve posted pictures of myself online before and I have literally gotten blocked for it. They weren’t anything risqué, either, they were just… my face. Or me in a t-shirt or a camisole because I like wearing those. But I see people who are *okay looking* (like I could see them on the street willy-nilly but they won’t make me turn my head) get hundreds of likes or notes. I see people—I’m gonna catch hell for this; I have nothing to lose—who are ugly, like uglier than me, get the likes and called “beauty queens” and shit. I hope people realize just how hurtful it is, and I hope that people realize that telling me to “just be confident” in the face of that is genuinely insulting.

How sorry do you have to feel for a person having sex with you?

Sorrier than sorry. Why bother. I can’t give you pleasure or anything, anything other than tears. Just go to sleep.

Could someone know you sexually, properly know you, and still like you?

A certain someone knows about me sexually and I have no clue if he likes me, and it’s not the boy I cybered with, either.

[nyxneon]

I like fanvids and edits on tiktok but whenever I get videos about books...dear god, it's like getting slapped in the face. (This is about Stephen King's Carrie.)

So, yesterday I happened to see a video where a girl was complaining about how Stephen King described Carrie, in particular her body and how she got her first period. However, the whole thing was very... vague. What i got was that "he was creepy and disgusting and he should have never been allowed to write about underage girls". (Does this remind you of anything???? Because this does remind me of some specific fandom discourse... but I digress) so I went to the comment section, and 99% of the comments were actually about THAT infamous IT scene. So, yeah, it wasn't very enlightening as to what the fuck was wrong with King's depiction of Carrie...

So, let me ramble a bit about this.

I first read Carrie (in the italian translation) when I was about...14/15 I think. (So, about 23 years ago, for reference.) Bought a cheap paperback at the supermarket (yes). And I read it and re-read it. I think I know some bits by heart. I loved it. And why? Let me tell you.

First of all, as a teen who felt awkward and fucking ugly, I saw a lot of myself in Carrie. The descriptions of her body, which apparently creeped out those people in the tiktok video, felt right to me. It conveyed disgust and curiosity and the potential for pleasure. Idk if you get what I mean...

(Also, btw, all the people grossed out on tiktok forget that Carrie is actually at least 16 in the story so...i mean, she's not a baby. Also the story is set in the 70s if I remember correctly, and you don't need to have a history degree to know that at the time people...well, were doing a lot of "grown up stuff" around 16/17. That's just how...it was. But apparently gen z have no sense of history whatsoever.... sorry.)

Moreover, people were getting offended (so I gathered) because King was "kinda disgusting and creepy" because he wrote about Carrie getting her first period like that. *major sigh here*

Look, i got my first period when I was 11. And it was fucking traumatic for me. Basically, i've been having periods longer than the people in the video and comments have been alive. Periods are nasty, uncomfortable and a pain in the ass. They're gross... they suck. King described the whole thing in a way that felt...real. (and also symbolic in a way, but this is for another time.)

A man can't write about it? Why? No, don't answer... i'm afraid i know the reasoning behind this brand of idiocy.

I gathered that they complained about the sexual undertones. Have those people ever been teenagers? Teens have sex on their minds quite a lot. I was like that and I was also pretty annoying and weird about it.

And lots of the comments were about how King was high on coke most of the time back when he wrote his most famous stuff and I was... baffled. Lots of artists have created great stuff while being high as fucking kites... y'all are clearly not so open-minded and accepting of drugs as you claim to be if you're dismissing King's writing because he was on drugs.

Also, one last thing that made me laugh:

Someone in the comments wrote that "King is considered high art while twilight is considered crap". My sibling in Christ, I can assure you that Stephen King is definitely not considered high art anywhere. He's a genre writer and genre writers are basically never considered high art. Like, at all.

[katyspersonal]

I'm so glad there's so many people actually giving the doll justice recently. Always feels icky that people treat her conception as ugly and wrong but then act like they still like her

Ah, the good ol' "Don't get me wrong I LOVE the Doll but Gehrman is the worst abomination of a privileged creepy trash for making a grief image of a person he cared about and that's what she IS - the symbol of misogyny! The symbol of how Maria had to deal with the CREEP and the CHASER that HATED masculine women (source: dude trust me) and she is gross because she is dressed pretty. Not a person of her own willing to help to sustain the Hunt like Gehrman himself does, not a mental link to Maria herself (which has plenty of evidence), no, she is reflection of how GROSS and DISGUSTING Gehrman was (source: dude trust me [2]). But I love her yep yep yep!".

Thank you for sending this ask though, Anon, that made my day /gen. I see the Doll as a reflection of Maria herself - 'when she is asleep she is awake somewhere else', basically Maria with absent memories + with Gehrman not even knowing a soul of his lost student actually settled here to help him even in her death. But oh boy oh boy does the Doll have a potential as her own character still! Annnnnnnd people fuck that up as well.

I know I brought my own contribution to how that sort of the fans no longer has the credit they used to, but I think this actually started to take an effect after @fantomette22 appeared. Honestly, can we just give that person a round of applause? They appeared in the fandom just recently and started being BASED from the day one, and I feel like they popularised more interesting takes on Maria, Doll and Gehrman. You can thank me for my own takes, sure, but if you want to be thankful for the good influence - I give credit to Fantomette! (They are also waaaaay more nice and polite and sweet than I could ever be, too, so you might like to stick with them for more interesting opinions and analyses!)