#had a whole 'oh my god i need to do SOMETHING' breakdown and am now

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

not me having a panic attack in the shower because im 22 years old and havent done anything meaningful with my life 💀

[wolfstardaughter-jj]

DENSE

Summary: Yule Ball is right around the corner and you still haven't found a date. Or at least decided on asking someone as a date. But your heart is set on a certain redhead who just isn't taking a hint and is as dense as a rock.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x reader

Song: Must be Love by Laufey

Warning: fluff, anxiety rant (reader stressed with school)

Word count: 4.8k+

A/n: honestly I started this around February this year and forgot about it... yeah that bad. I wanted to get it out of my system since it's been there for a while. This was actually meant to be part of my serendipity book but i still havent written the other chapters but I really like this chapter. Either way I hope you lovelies will enjoy it, Happy holidays<3333

~~~~~~~

Everyone was ecstatic from the announcement of the Yule ball. It was the first ever dance they were to have at the school and everyone was already starting off their plans on what to wear and who to go with. With the Triwizard tournament at hand, you were glad there was something to take your mind off the stress.

Training and helping Harry through all of the practices were starting to wear you out.

At the moment, all of you were in the Great hall simply studying. You were nearly done with your assessment when from the corner of your eye, you spot Fred throwing a piece of paper towards his younger brother.

Ron raised his head up in annoyance, wondering why his brother would want to disturb him. He opened the ball of crumpled paper and read the words "you better get a move on or else there won't be any girl to ask to be your date." Or something like that, he only skimmed through it.

Ron gave Fred an annoyed stare, "Who are you going to the Yule ball with then?"

Fred crossed his arms and sent Ron a smirk, "Well, I still have to ask them. I’m thinking on doing it really soon,"

Your ears prick up at his words. He's planning on asking someone else to the ball? Of course he'd be going with someone but you had always hoped it would be you.

Your heart sank at the mere thought he was going to ask someone else to the Yule ball.

Ron looked surprised, he thought that Fred had already asked you but he was wrong. He looked towards you, seeing you leaned over your assessment, looking like you didn't care to pay mind to what he and Fred were talking about. But in truth, you did care, you cared a whole lot.

"How about you Y/n? Who are you going with? Lots of guys have been asking you lately, it shouldn't be too hard to choose one." Ron asked, not knowing that this was sparking a little jealousy in Fred.

You looked up from your paper and looked at Ron. You saw the worried glances Harry and Hermione were sending your way.

"I won't tell you cause it's a surprise." You whispered back with a wink before looking back down on your activity.

Fred tensed up at your words, it sounds like you already accepted to be someone’s date. He didn't want to pry on who it was in case he might get his heart even more broken, but of course, curiosity got the best of him.

"Really? Why am I only hearing of this now?" Fred asked.

"Well technically they haven't asked me yet so I'm going to ask them instead." You replied courtly.

Fred seemed perplexed. They haven't asked her to the ball yet? What an idiot. Oh god wait, is she planning on asking that Beauxbatons girl? No she wouldn't, she would have told me.

"...so who's the lucky girl- or guy?" Fred stumbled on his words as he leaned in. He really wanted to know who it was, even if it was at the expense of his own feelings.

You look at him with a grin, trying to mask the slight nervous breakdown you were having within. It was ironic that he was asking about this especially since it was him you were talking about.

"I'm not telling you who it is, Freddie. Like I said, it's a surprise." You state as you finish up your assessment.

"Oh come on, you don't need to tell me their name. Maybe give me some clues? Like which school they're going to-"

You narrowed your eyes at him, knowing how stubborn he was going to be about this. "Well that would just narrow down your possible choices."

He started shaking your arm like a child asking their parents for a sweet in a sweet shop. "Come on, just tell me."

You shook your head and laughed at his dramatics. "Fred, you should finish up your activity."

"Hey, don't change the subject." Fred pointed out.

"You're not gonna do it till I tell you, huh?" You said with an unimpressed stare.

"Nope. Now can you at least tell me one thing?" He urged on.

You let out a sigh as you went deep in thought. Do you really want to help him in finding out who it is or leave him to his madness. You decided on the first choice. It wasn't like he was gonna figure out it's him.

"They're studying here at hogwarts."

"...Yeah, that totally narrows down the choices." Fred sighed. "Which house are they in?"

You chuckled, "like I'd tell you that. That would make it too obvious."

Hermione laughed from the other side. "Y/n, even if you say what house they're in, I don't think they'll be able to figure out who it is."

You thought about it for a second and realized she had a point. "Huh, you're right." You agreed with a chuckle.

"What's that supposed to mea- you know what, I don't wanna know. What I do wanna know is, who this person is." Fred was adamant at finding out who the mystery person was, and it was starting to make you nervous that he might actually figure it out.

He sat up once he found an alternative solution to his predicament. "Oh, I know, I'll name a bunch of people, and you tell me if they're the person. Okay?"

"What if I lied and said no even if they were the person I was going to ask to the ball?" You smirked, which was only returned with an unimpressed glare.

Fred was about to say something but decided against it. "I'll just do it anyways… is it Diggery."

You shook your head a no.

"Draco?"

You cringed at the thought, no offense to Draco. Besides you knew he had his eyes in a certain Gryffindor. "Godric no, he's already planning on going with someone else."

Both Harry"s and Fred's eyes seemed to widened at the statement, Harry seemed even more surprised.

They both yelled out in unison, "He is?!”

Snape went in to scold the two for their outburst. Removing 5 house points from each of them. Causing the surrounding students to send their glares towards the two.

“Yes he is! Now hush the both of you!” You scolded as you continued with your work.

“Right, I shouldn't get distracted… How about that Freya girl?" He spoke her name in doubt, scared that he might be right.

You chuckled at the mention of her name, "No, she's going with her girlfriend."

Fred's heart settled at the realization, abit shocked by the new information but he was delighted to have that thought settled in his mind. That means you weren't going to act on your childhood crush. But then the thought entered his mind that it meant you were planning on going with someone else, someone he wasn't aware of.

"How about… Neville?"

"Already going with someone."

"Dean?"

"He plans on asking someone else."

"Zabini?"

"Nice guy but no."

"Nott?"

"He's going stagg."

"I don't know why I'm even asking this but, how about Lee?"

You immediately shook your head a no.

Lee perked up from his seat at the mention of his name. "Huh? I heard my name, what's going on."

George leaned over and told Lee about the situation.

"Ohhh, I see." Lee chuckled, "this is going to be fun." He whispered back.

"Godric...well uh, is it Louis?" Fred guessed. At this point he didn't know who else could be the possible match.

"No. He is a good option but no." You simpered on, wondering where this conversation was going to take you.

"I give up on doing this, just answer my questions." Fred continued. "Do you talk to them everyday?"

The question seemed vague enough for him to not know who so it didn't hurt to answer him. “Yes,”

Fred went deep in thought, why did he even choose this question? "Who would you be talking to that I wouldn't know about...

You all chuckled to hear his words, he may seemed to be really observant when it came to you but completely oblivious at the same time.

"Oh wow Fred, you take note of who y/n talks to everyday?" George teased, though Fred didn't really see it that way.

"So what? I'm with her almost all the time, I would know who she'd be talking to." Fred explained.

"You aren't with her all the time. What about during class hours?" Hermione stated.

Fred looked dumbfounded, he didn't think of that.

Harry leaned over to you, making sure no one else heard him other than you, "I wonder how long it's going to take for him to realize it's him."

"Give it 2-3 business days." You replied with a chuckle.

Fred turned back to you with another question in mind. "What does their name start with?"

You shook your head with a chuckle. "I'm not going to answer that."

"Ugh, fine. Are they taller than you?"

You laughed at his question, "Yes." By a lot.

"That question doesn't even help. Lots of people are taller than Y/n." Harry commented earning a smack on the head from you. You caught Fred laugh at his joke which you used to your advantage.

You gasped and feigned an insulted look, "Okay, ouch. I was just thinking about telling you who it was but I changed my mind." You scooted away, with a false pout.

Fred laughed, trying to pull you back to him by pulling you by the waist. "I'm only joking, love."

You replied with an eye roll, trying to conceal the grin that slowly crept onto your lips.

You began packing your things before facing Fred again, "Seeing as you're not doing the activity, I'm going to go and spend the rest of the period outside."

“Oh come on, tell me who it is.” Fred stated with a pout as he theld onto your hand to keep you from leaving.

“Like I said before, no.” You replied with a teasing grin before grabbing the rest of your things.

You stood up from your seat and handed in your paper to Snape. He seemed to have been listening in on your conversation. He seemed to find your conversation quite amusing.

"If that Weasley boy doesn't ask you soon, I think it's better you accept Diggery's offer." He suggested in his usual monotone voice but there was this spark of interest in his eyes on the topic which surprised you.

“Professor Snape!” You laughed, surprised by this side of your professor.

“I'm just saying,” He simply shrugged before walking off with your work.

~~~~~~

The following day was hectic, more so than usual.

Most of the classes were finishing up their lessons so that during the holiday break you'd all be free from the burdens of school work. But it didnt help when they just piled more school work over the other to cram everything in one go.

Things seemed worse for you since you had decided to take up more classes this year. Not just that, but you somehow tangled yourself into becoming a some sort of charm fixer for the younger years whenever they'd mess up a spell.

And because Harry got himself stuck with being a triwizard champion for Hogwarts. You had to help him with spells and charms just so he could survive the challenges. You wouldn't be able to to live with yourself if anything were to happen to him under your watch.

As the holiday's were approaching, the only decent things about your schedule was the dance classes in between subjects. You had already learned how to waltz when you were a girl. Your parents weren't ones to host glamorous balls but your grandparents were. You had fond memories of your dance classes during your summers spent abroad. Twirling endlessly in studios till your head wouldn't stop spinning.

McGonagall appeared at the front of the hall and cleared her throat to call the attention of the crowd. "find your partners everyone, we will begin shortly."

Everyone began scattering across the room searching for their partners. You had the tendency to switch partners every now and then since the boys kept asking if you could show them the steps to the dance. You didn't mind, even if it meant getting your toes stepped on every now and again.

As you looked across the room, you wondered who you would be dancing with this time. Your own question was answered when your hand was suddenly grabbed and you were twirled around to be flush against someone's chest.

"Freddie!" You laughed, the wind was nearly knocked out of you from the sudden turn.

"You don't mind having this dance with me, do you love?" He asked with a tilt of his head.

You shook your head with a grin, "No, I don't mind at all."

Your hands were intertwined as your other hand rested on his shoulder and his hand grasped your waist. There was no tense atmosphere compared to the other boys who always seem to stray away from their confident selves when around you. But not Fred, no. He was always his true self around you.

The music began playing and echoed through the hall. Light footsteps pattered across the floor as people tried to find their footing. Some seemed to struggle more than others but that wasn't the case for you and Fred.

The two of you danced across the floor in sync. The two of you paid little mind to everything around you as you both were lost in your own world. Like your heart harmonised with the beat of his heart and that was the only rhythm you guys needed to dance.

"You've improved since the last time we've danced." You teased as you continued your steps.

Fred rolled his eyes at the memory of his poor attempt at trying to dance the waltz with you during one of your grandparents balls. He didn't exactly want to be there in the first place let alone dance a waltz he's never learned. But he didn't want to leave you there alone either. You wanted to dance, so he danced with you.

"Careful, I might step on one of your toes again." He taunted as he went along with your teasing.

You shook your head with a laugh. You had hoped that he would be your date for the ball. When he accompanied you to your grandparents' ball, it was like something out of a fairy tale. Though he stepped on your toes once or twice, it was all worth it. Especially when around the end, the two of you were left alone out in the gardens to stargaze the rest of the night.

Maybe, just maybe he would ask you to the ball.

Fred knew from your silence, you were stuck in thought. "You're still not going to tell me who it is?"

Your eyes snapped back to him, "Who?"

"The one you're taking to the ball." He replied almost in a whisper. At this point he wondered if he should still be asking about who it is. Is he really going to subject himself to this hurt?

Your eyes softened at his question. "Freddie..." you could tell him the truth. You could tell him that the guy you most desperately want to go to the ball with was him. But you were too scared to do so. Godric forbid you had any bravery left in you to tell him your true feelings.

You could casually ask him to the ball. Make nothing of it. To go as friends. But something in your gut told you that if you went together, things would be different. Things were different.

You weren't just little kids anymore. You were both at that stage in your life where love and relationships were the main focus of everyone's lives. If you screw up things with Fred, you'd probably spiral into a mess.

"You don't have to tell me. Just make sure to save me a dance, alright?" You could feel the defeat sink into his voice. But before you could do anything about it you were pulled away by another person to continue the waltz.

You caught a glimpse of Fred and you could feel your heart start breaking. You wanted to tell Fred but was it really worth the cost?

~~~~~~

It had been two days since Fred had questioned you about the mystery guy and you thought he just dropped the topic and forgot, but you were wrong.

Truth was, it was all he could think about. He didn't even try to ask you to go with him to the ball that day because he was scared he was going to get shot down.

And if you were being honest, he was all you could think about too. Not just on the fact that he was so adamant at knowing who the mystery person was, but also because he too had someone on his mind on who to ask for the ball.

If there was already someone he planned on asking, why even bother asking him to be your date to the ball? You felt hopeless and most of all, stupid for ever thinking you had a chance at asking Fred to the ball.

These thoughts consumed you to the point you didn't even want to try to sleep anymore. You just laid there on your bed, staring at the ceiling. Eventually you got hungry and tired of your own thoughts.

You got up from your bed and slowly crept away from the girl's dormitory, being careful not to wake anyone up, especially Stark. Godric knows how grumpy that cat gets when he gets woken up. You didn't currently have the map with you since it was with Harry but you didn't mind. You've basically engraved the school's layout in your mind.

You eventually reached the portrait and got out. It wasn't totally pitch black but it would help to have a little light help guide your way.

As you walked through the empty hallways, you couldn't help but think about all the things that were troubling you these last few days. I guess lots of things have been bothering you lately. You didn't exactly know where to start.

The thought that Harry was constantly being placed out into the line of danger and you not being able to help him is killing you. You have always been there to protect him and help him out but with the stupid Triwizard tournament rules getting in your way, you can't do anything about it.

Your stroll eventually led up to the kitchens, quickly grabbing a few snacks and bidding daisy and the other elves goodbye before going around the castle again. You missed these peaceful silences.

In all honesty you were suffocating from all of the school work and activities brought by the Triwizard tournament. You may not have been part of them but your professors seemed to have the impression that you were capable of handling lots of extra school tasks.

Like helping lead the class in dance classes in preparation for the Yule ball since you had experience in ball dancing. Assisting in charms classes in the lower years in your free time. Being a sort of ambassador for the foreign students seeing as you can speak French and russian. As if already having to deal with your normal studies and Quidditch wasn't enough.

You liked that they thought of you as a responsible student but you were juggling so many things that you rarely had the time for anything fun anymore. While your friends were off pranking, you were stuck helping second years undo charms that went wrong. While Kayla, Pansy and Mione were doing their usual "book club" sessions, you were busy helping Harry figure out how to do certain spells.

Your mind was so wrapped up in all your worrying that you didn't even realize that your footsteps led you to Monty. You grinned at the sight of the tree.

"Hello old friend." You greeted as you sat at the root of the tree.

You snacked on your food as you contemplated in silence. Though the tight feeling was still present in your chest, it felt comforting to be in a place that made you feel safe.

You leaned your head back on the tree and looked up at the star covered sky. You missed star-gazing. With all of the chaos, you haven't been able to star-gaze in a while.

Like a gush of fresh air passing you, you knew a presence was nearby. One that you were all too well familiar with.

You turned your head to look at him with a light grin. There he stood in his plaid pajamas and initial sweater.

"How come you always manage to find me?" You asked, tilting your head with a chuckle.

"I should be the one asking why you're always wandering off, in the middle of the night no less." Fred replied as he sat down next to you.

You both sat there quietly; looking up at the stars, mostly lost in thought. That was until Fred decided to break the silence.

"Why are you up so late? I know you don't usually sleep early but even 3 am is a stretch for you.” Fred stated as he pointed at his watch. ”What's on your mind, Carrington?"

A concerned look fell on your face, you didn't realize that much time passed already. You let out a sigh, you knew you were going to end up exhausted the next day.

"Honestly?" You inquired.

Fred nodded at you with sincerity, he had all his attention focused on you.

You sighed and suddenly the words just poured out of you, "it's just… so much is happening and I don't know how to deal with it all. I have to assist the younger years in charms, quidditch training, normal classes, foreign students and- il se passe trop de choses et j'ai l'impression que je vais pleurer et crier mais-" (too much is happening and i feel like I'm going to cry and scream but-). You paused, forgetting that Fred didn't know a lick of French.

"Fuck sorry, I didn't mean to do that." You apologized as you sunk your face into your hands.

"No, no, it's okay. Just keep going. I'll listen, even though I don't understand a single word of french. I'll be here to listen." He replied as he wrapped his arm around you and pulled you closer to him.

You nodded as you continued on in your rant, the words were all coming out like a broken dam. "It's just that so much is going on and pour l'amour de la merde, you'd think they'd give a 4th year a break. I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down every minute but I won't let myself go because there's still so much meant to be done."

You haven't really told anyone about how stressed you've been feeling lately and it felt so great to actually tell someone. Fred nodded along as he listened to you. There was this look on his face, as though he hung on every word you said, regardless if it was in a foreign language.

"Oh darling, I'm so sorry you've been doing all that work. They should be paying you at this point. Is there anything I can do to lessen the load?" Fred asked as he brushed and stroked your hair.

You sighed and closed your eyes, "unfortunately, no."

He tilted his head, as if not believing what you said. “Are you absolutely sure? Cause you know me, I can give Minnie and Alby a piece of my mind.”

“Thanks for the offer but I'm sure I can handle it." You leaned your head on his shoulder in defeat.

"I know you can, but it doesn't mean you have to." He replied, rubbing his hand over your arm.

All these years, he's been by your side through it all. Through all the Voldemort nonsense, through the injuries, through the nightmares, everything.

"Freddie." You whispered.

"Yeah, love?" He replied.

"Thank you."

He faced you with this puzzled look, "For what?"

You gave him a simple shrug, thinking the answer was already obvious. "For just being there for me."

Fred's features softener and pulled you in closer to his side. "Anything for you, darling. You know that."

“I do…I hope you know the same applies to you.” You replied as you looked up at him.

“I do.” He nodded as he looked up at the stars. They were incredibly bright tonight, he wondered if you always wandered out here just to look at the stars to clear your head. That would explain why he would always find you here.

“When was the last time we went stargazing together?”

You grinned at the memory, “last summer when we went camping on the reserve.”

“We should do it again.” He replied, his eyes still glued to the stars.

You look at him with a cheek aching smile, “yeah, we should.” He may have meant the stars in the sky, but to you, it meant the freckles that were scattered across his cheeks like constellations. Those were the stars you were willing to spend endless nights studying.

“Can we just look at the stars while they're still out?” He laced his fingers between yours, gently rubbing his thumb over your knuckles.

“Okay.” You replied, snuggling yourself closer to Fred to get comfy as you looked up at the sky.

And that's what you both did till dawn came. The sky twisting in colors of peach and purple as the sun slowly rose over the grounds of Hogwarts. It was a quiet morning, and for once your mind was quiet too.

Maybe it had something to do with the boy whose shoulder you were resting your head on or the peaceful ambience the morning brought you. You didn't really care, you were happy and that was it.

You couldn't help but feel a sudden surge of confidence flow through you. It could have been your mind lacking sleep but everything that was holding you back from telling Fred about your feelings just flew out the window.

You wanted to tell him, and you wanted to tell him now.

You sat up and turned to Fred in a rushed motion. Your movements startled the boy but he was left waiting for whatever you were about to do.

“What's wrong, love?” He asked you, surprisingly not as sleepy as you expected him to be.

“Remember what I said about that person I was going to ask to the Yule ball?” You hesitated with your words. You weren't even sure if you were thinking straight. You prayed that whatever words formed in your head would be the right words to say to Fred.

Fred tensed at your words. He nodded slightly, hoping that the next words that would leave your mouth wouldn't hurt too much.

“Well…” You felt your throat go dry but you were already in too deep, you had to commit. “To tell you the truth, they're really really really dense. And honestly I don't even know why they would even want to go with me if the opportunity presented itself but-.”

Fred's forehead creased at your words, who wouldn't want to go with you to the ball? That would be like turning down the chance to enter heaven. “Why'd you think that, love? Anyone lucky enough to even be in your sights should be thanking God or whatever force for putting you on this earth.”

You felt your cheeks go bright red and your heart beat ten times faster. You weren't even sure if you could have controlled it with Fred's words just pouring out of his mouth like they just came to him naturally. He didn't even stop there. Once he started he couldn't stop.

“I mean look at you, I don't think I can think of anyone else in the whole entire world that could even come close to how perfect you are. I mean sure, you're basically a night owl with how little you sleep because you'd rather read than have a decent amount of sleep,”

You laughed at his little comment, shoving him slightly in the shoulder, but that didn't stop him from continuing his rant.

“You literally land in the hospital wing every week or so because you'd rather put yourself in harm's way than others. And you don’t even like sharing your cookies but you still do. You even ask your grandmother to send more cookies just so you can share more of them. All these things I just listed down are just more reasons why you’re perfect- and why I love you.” He let those words slip past his lips so quickly he barely even registered them. By the time he realized what he said he knew he couldn't take them back, nor did he want to.

“And yes, I love you… and not just in a friend way but the “I love you so much that if you're not around I can't breathe and the mere thought that you probably like someone else is killing me”... way.”

You were left speechless. You felt like a complete idiot at that moment. You both were fools from the start. How couldn't you have seen the signs?

He was the only one there for you when no one else was. That time you landed in the hospital wing after a full moon incident from helping your uncle moony, he was the one who stayed by your side all those nights.

When you got a cold after a snowball fight with the Weasley’s over the holidays, Fred visited you nearly everyday at the Manor to check on you before he too caught a cold. Then it was your turn to take care of him.

When you got detention from getting caught for a prank you pulled, Fred got himself detention so you wouldn't be alone.

Fred felt his chest tighten at the silence, you haven't said a thing in the last few seconds and it was terrifying. “I know you probably don't feel the same-”

Finally, you snapped out of your self inflicted scolding and reached over with one hand to keep you up and the other on Fred cheek. “My god you are dense.” with that, your lips crashed into his and suddenly everything fell into place.

All the years of pining. All the endless hours of you avoiding and hiding your feelings when all along, the both of you were just too scared of saying how you felt.

His hand slipped over to your cheek while his other hand gripped your waist. He couldn't even process his thoughts about what was happening. Was this actually real? Was this a dream? Was he even awake?

His thoughts were silenced when you pulled away just slightly to let out a small whisper, something that was meant for him and him alone, “I love you too.”

A grin grew on Fred's lips, going up ear to ear. It felt like hearing your favorite song for the first time. You loved him. He couldn't believe it. Fred pulled you in for another kiss but it was difficult from how he just couldn't stop smiling.

“Really?” He asked, his voice heavy with bliss and giddiness. It was like the whole world just lit up for him. He really couldn't believe it.

You let out a light laugh at the sight, “Yes, really.” Before placing a peck on his lips.

“Are you absolutely sure?” He asked again, this time with a smirk and his usual tone of arrogance. Sure he still couldn't fully wrap his head around the thought that you, the girl of his dreams, actually loved him back. But that still didn't stop him from teasing the living daylights out of you.

You pondered on the question further, knowing how Fred loved to play this game. Your silence only furthered the fun when Fred began to grow impatient. “On second thought…”

Fred let out a chuckle before wrapping his arms around you and pulling you up to his lap, “Nice try love. You've already said the words. You can't take them back.”

You rolled your eyes jokingly before facing him with a cheek aching grin, “oh no, what shall I ever do?” You replied with feigned fear before letting out another laugh.

Fred leaned over to your cheek, his nose barely grazing over the surface of your cheek. “How about I take you to the ball as…your boyfriend?”

You pulled away with a grin, "Are you sure?”

Fred looked off into the distance and tapped his finger over his chin, “Hmmm, you know on second thought-”

You let out a laugh before resting your hands at the back of his neck, “Nuh uh, you already said the words, Freddie. You can't take them back.” You repeated his words back to him with a smirk.

He pulled you in for another kiss to wipe away that smirk. But he then pulled away, just slightly, “You have my heart, love. I don't think I'll be able to take that back either.”

Feeling the blush rush up to your cheeks, you could only hide your flustered state in the crook of his neck. Now it was his turn to smirk.

“Don't get shy on me now, love.” Fred spoke as he hugged you tight. He thought that this was just too good to be true. He thought that maybe if he didn't hold on tight enough, all of this would cease to exist and reveal itself to be a dream.

You lifted your head out of the crook of his neck, only to feel the heat rush back to your cheeks. Seeing as the sun was rising up already, the blush was much more evident on your cheeks.

Fred looked at you with a soft smile, it was finally sinking in. He was finally yours, and you were finally his. And though the two of you may be dense, Godric knows Fred is never going to let you forget he loves you.

"I love you so much."

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Being MSBY's Manager

Period Troubles

MSBY Black Jackels featuring the Schweiden Adlers x Female! Manager (she/her pronouns)

Warnings: period talk, swearing, MSBY being assholes, angst to comfort

A/N: This is purely self indulgent because I'm tired and crabby 😠 all I want to do is write angst and then for these men to make it all go away!

God I go between "I'm so jealous" and "God I'd hate being you" 😅

Literally MSBY (and the Adlers) are both such hot and cold teams

I feel like one day all would be well

But then mercury goes into retrograde and suddenly they all have their undies in a twist

Now your Queen YN is totally the pillar of MSBY

You take care of everything for these boys

You help Atsumu with his setting

Reassuring Sakusa that he, in fact, did not sprain his shoulder

You keep tabs on our feral children, Bokuto and Hinata

You drool over Meian 🥵

You help Inunaki with his receives

You reach low places for Thomas, Barnes and Joffe

Literally what would we do without you YN 👏🏻

But you see, even YN has her off days

Because PMS is a literal bitch and we hate her 😠

The symptoms had been building for a while and you knew this was going to be a bad one

Tired, cramps, loss of appetite, soreness, just general depression over everything

It had been an exhausting week and you knew your period was due to come on Saturday

You were looking forward to the weekend just to be able to rest and escape into your own world for a while

Seriously the guys had been testing you all week

Literally, you have been so irritable and on edge with everything but you've been trying to remain as professional as possible

Atsumu is the main cause of your annoyance per the usual 🙄

Literally I totally feel like Atsumu is the type to set something down, forgets where he set it and then get mad when he can't find it

Atsumu is me. I am Atsumu.

"YN where is my phone?"

"YN where is my nail file?"

"YN WHERE IS MY TOWEL?"

Literally all week it's been nonstop

On top of that, Bokuto has been extra Bokuto-y this past week

Literally 4 emo modes the past week YN!

Is it a full moon or something 🥴

ON TOP OF THAT the team had been preparing to host the Adlers, which gets everyone just all riled up

Literally you can't tell me these men just don't have pissing matches the entire time they are together 🙄

Literally Daichi/Kuroo energy the whole time istg-

Anyways, you woke up on Friday feeling extra crappy

Not necessarily sick, just gross

You know that feeling when you feel like your period is going to start but it doesn't?

Yeah that's it 😫

You've been depressed, having trouble sleeping and woke up with a horrible headache

You grab a coffee on your way to work, walking in like an extra from the Walking Dead

It's a good thing your team literally has zero boundaries YN 😃

"YN you look like shit"- Thomas says

"Damn YN what happened to you? Did you get hit by a bus?"- Inunaki jokes

You rn 👉🏻😐 🔪

"Alright everyone let's get busy, the Adlers are coming in 30 minutes!"- Meian yells

You head to your office, literally just stepping one foot in the door when you hear Meian

"YN what the heck are you doing standing around?!? Go fill the water bottles!"- Meian shouts

You rn 👉🏻 *deep breath in/deep breath out*

You take some Tylenol because lord knows you need it and get busy with your list

You are trying your best to avoid the guys today but oh my god they will not leave you alone!

Literally everyone just has one problem or another

Sakusa can't find his arm sleeves

Bokuto can't find his knee pads

Hinata is lost somewhere who the hell knows anymore

Barnes needs help taping his fingers

Inunaki is rolling everywhere, purposely tripping people and causing drama 🙄

Meian is yelling

Thomas is just existing

And YN is on the verge of a mental breakdown 🥲

Literally the guys have noticed your mood and how you haven't been talking to them much

But they are idiots YN they have no idea why

So when the Adlers show up, it's almost a welcome relief in a sense

They greet the team, shaking hands and greeting you

"Hey YN it's good to see you!"- Hirugami, the Adlers captain says

"You too!" You say returning a greeting

You hear chatter behind you from Atsumu but you ignore it

He's top of the shit list right now we all know it

After greeting the team, Hirugami asks if you can help them tape up

You happily agree, doing so as Meian makes an off handed comment

"Wow YN, you look happy to be helpign the enemy"- he says as he turns to walk away

Please, that one hurt and honestly it was a low blow

But you don't say anything, Hirugami noticing your shift in mood

At the start of the practice game, Heiwajima asks if you can fill up the teams water bottles

Again, you agree because you are there to help out

It's your job 🗣🗣🗣

Unfortunately MSBY is petty and Sakusa just HAS to say something

"Geez YN you don't have be so happy, they asked you to fill their water bottles not manage their team"- Sakusa Kiyoomi, 2nd on the shit list

Low blow agaib ☹️

But again you ignore it, or at least try to ignore it

Because enough see, while you see filling water bottles, you start to cry

Because nothing adds more electrolytes to water than tears 💧

"YN get yourself together, everything will be ok! Only a few more hours"- you say, wiping your eyes and heading back to the gym

Unfortunately for you, the pain is only beginning

Because you see, the biggest jerk of them all has yet to speak and boy is he geared up 👏🏻

The Adlers had just won the first set and Atsumu is in a mood

When isn't he but I digress 🤚🏻

Anyways, you are walking around, handing water bottles and towels out to everyone

You finish with MSBY and head over to the Adlers

Then you hear it...

"YN you might as well just join the Adlers, you seem to like being around them more"- Atsumu says to you

You stop in your tracks because what did he just say?

The Adlers stop and look at you, MSBY stops and looks at you

You turn and look at Atsumu, "What did you just say?"

"Well you seem to like the Adlers alot better than you like us YN. I mean, you've honestly kind of been a bitch lately"- Atsumu Miya, #1-100 on the shit list

You felt the rage boiling up, on top of the hurt you feel from everything that has been going on

You start to breath heavily, trying to control your tears as you walk over to the Adlers handing them their water bottles and towels, you silently turn to MSBY and walk up to them

With tears flowing down your cheeks, you speak

"So you really think I don't do anything for you huh? You think I'm being a bitch. Well I'm sorry I don't feel good, I'm sorry I haven't been sleeping, I'm sorry I have a fucking uterus that is about to bleed and ruin my fucking life for an entire week. But oh by ALL MEANS let me drop everything I'm doing to cater to a bunch of fucking JERKS who can't even say THANK YOU!" You scream as tears run down your face

MSBY rn 👉🏻😐😳

The Adlers 👉🏻👀👀

The Coaches 👉🏻😃 crap she's finally lost it

"You know what, how about you guys fill your own fucking water bottles, oh and tape your own GOD DAMNED FINGERS! Oh and make sure you reassure each other because GOD FORBID ONE OF YOU MISSES A FUCKING RECIEVE OR BLOCK! Or even better yet, find some other willing person who will let you walk all over them because IT AINT ME ANYMORE!"- You scream as tears fall down your face and you turn to the Adlers

"I apologize for my outburst but I'm leaving" you say, stomping away and right out the arena doors

Honestly YN 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Literally MSBY feels like complete shit right now

AS THEY SHOULD!

The Adlers just look at them and shake their heads

"Shit"- Meian says sitting on the bench, his arms on his knees

"We really fucked up this time"- Barnes said coming besides him

"God I'm such an asshole"- Atsumu said

"Yeah you are!"- Kageyama shouts as Atsumu narrows his eyes at him

"Man you guys must have been real assholes to her"- Romero interjects

"Well we definitely haven't been the nicest that's for sure"- Inunaki says crossing his arms

"Well what are you guys gonna do about it?"- Ushijima says 😐

"What do you mean?"- Hinata

Dumbass 🙄

"Seriously? You guys were so mean to her without even asking her how she was feeling"- Hoshiumi

"Yeah, PMS can be a real bitch, I'm sure she's going through it right now"- Heiwajima adds

"You guys really suck with chicks"- Hirugami adds

Please they all turn and glare at him 😑

Meian stands up and announces "we are going to have to end this early"

The guys wordlessly nod, going to pick you the gym in silence as they contemplate what happened

Meanwhile-

You spend the entire train ride home crying, you managed to grab your bag from your office before stomping the rest of the way to the train station

Please you probably cleared a 10ft radius minimum YN

Love that energy 👏🏻

You had planned to go to the store, to grab what you needed for your weekend of self-indulgence but unfortunately everything had ruined that plan

The thing is, you knew you overreacted but you also knew you were right

The guys had been complete and utterly jerks to you and they deserved it

In fact, the coach had texted you telling you to take some personal time and that he would have a talk with the team

You accepted the time off, making your way to your apartment before making your way to the bathroom, stripping and taking a shower

You totally cried the entire shower YN 😭

Ok but me at least once a week 🙃

You got changed into your favorite pajamas, crawled into your bed and out on one of your favorite movies, silencing your phone and trying to calm down

Now our resident idiots are finishing up at the gym when the coach stops them

The adlers have left after giving any advice they had, including groveling and begging for your forgiveness

"YN is taking next week off and I want you all to think about what happened today. YN works incredibly hard for this team and you've done nothing but take advantage of her"- our true ally, MSBY's Coach 💅🏼

"We know Coach, we want to make it up to her"- Thomas interjects

"You idiots are in your twenties and you still have so much to learn about women and I suggest you start now by apologizing to YN and letting her educate you!"- Coach

"Yes Sir"- the team shouts as they all head to the locker room

"Should we call her?"- bokuto says, finally breaking the awkward silence

"Do you really think she wants to talk to us?"- Barnes added as they collectively shook their heads

"I think we need to form a plan guys, we need YN to know we are truly sorry"- Sakusa interjected

"Hey I remember her telling me about her favorite takeout spot, we could get her food from there!"- Inunaki says

"Yeah and she always brings that coffee every morning! Hey I'll go dig it out of the garage and get the order!"- Hinata :D

Please nobody is going to stop him or give him hand sanitizer YN HELP

"Oh maybe we can buy her candy! Girls like that right?"- Atsumu adds

"Wait! Remember she made us all fill out those stupid 'all about me' forms?"- Thomas said running to your office and grabbing the files, pulling out yours where you detailed everything you loved

"SCORE!"- Inunaki said snatching the list from Thomas and reading it

"We have everything we need! Tomorrow we will go and apologize!"- Meian says as the guys all shout in agreement

The next day, you wake up with a major headache and your period has finally arrived

You pop some pain killers and crawl back into bed with your heating pad

You slept like crap the night before, waking up often and thinking about how you yelled at the boys

The thing was, as much as they deserved it you knew your emotions were escalated because of PMS

You sighed, going to turn on your phone when you heard a knock

You looked at the clock, noticing the time was 9am

"That's weird usually Amazon doesn't come until the afternoon"- you said, getting out of bed before walking to the door and checking the peep hole

"What in the hell?"- You say, unlocking the door to see 8 giant men standing there with at least 15 coffees

"Ummm- I literally have so many questions right now"- you say

"Ok shoot"- Meian says the rest of the idiots standing behind him like :D

"What in the hell is this?"- You say gesturing to all that encompasses MSBY

"Well we wanted to bring you coffee, so I dug threw the garbage and found your old cup!"- Hinata :D

"Gross but continue"- you, intrigued

"So then we went to the coffee shop and the Barista recognized us"- Thomas added

"Yeah apparently you talk about us alot YN"- Atsumu 😏

"Complain... I complain about you alot Sumu, continue"- you, now crossing your arms

Atsumu 👉🏻😐

"Well the batista asked where you were and we told her we were getting you coffee. And then she said 'oh what is YN having today'?"- Sakusa

"So we told her and she just looked at us like we were stupid"- Bokuto

"Not really much of a stretch Ko"- you say, taking another jab 🙃

As you should 💅🏼

"She said 'YN only gets that on Fridays, and today's Saturday'"- Hinata adds

You start to smile, knowing exactly where this story is going

"So then we asked what your Saturday coffee was and she said 'she always does something random' so we just ordered one of everything"- Inunaki says 😬

You laugh, rolling your eyes and moving away form the door as they all file in

Honestly tho, you probably need a bigger apartment

"So what is this really about?"- You say turning around, arms crossing as you look at them

Please they look so guilty 😅

"Well, we wanted to apologize"- Meian starts to say as you stick your hand up

"You know bribing me with coffee, sorry 15 coffees, won't make me forgive you right?"- You say as Thomas steps forward

"We know, that's why we brought you these too"- he says handing you your favorite candies

"And these"- Barnes says handing you the biggest bouquet of your favorite flowers 💐

"And we brought this too"- Bokuto holds up your favorite movie

"Yeah and for lunch we are having your favorite restaurant"- Inunaki adds

"Wait- how did you guys... the get to know you sheets"- You 🥺

"YN we know we fucked up, really bad. You don't know how sorry we all are. The truth is, we took advantage of you and didn't consider your feelings"- Meian says

"And we know we are totally jerks and that we don't deserve you but YN, we love you so much and we would completely fall apart without you"- Barnes says

You rn 👉🏻😐🥺😭

Please YN, you are full on sobbing, ugly tears, snot the works 👏🏻

"Uhhh YN are you ok?"- Hinata, about to lose it, Bokuto right behind him

"You- you guys did this all for me?- you👁💧👄💧👁

"We wanted to show you how sorry we really are and we'll, this is the best thought of"- Inunaki

Before he can even stop talking, you have all but flung yourself into his arms

Inunaki 👉🏻😐😳🥰

The other boys 👉🏻😐😠 hey-

Please YN, get to hugging 👏🏻 🫂

After you've hugged them all, you break away as Sakusa hands you a tissue

"I love you guys so much and I'm sorry too"- you say as Thomas puts his hands up

"YN do not apologize to us! We promise we will be better!"- Barnes adds as all the men shake their head in agreement

The rest of the day is taken up by your boys, watching movies and enjoying their company

You end up falling asleep on Meians lap

Please he's taking so many pictures while the team just glares 😐😑

He totally sends it to Hirugami too 😜

Meian: *Sends picture* We made it up to her

Hirugami: Damn well I guess we shouldn't have sent that large box of roses to her apartment asking her to be our manager then 😏

Meian: 😐 you son of a bitch!

Hirugami: 🙃🙃🙃

Please YN, these boys love you so much and will fight til the very end for you 🥰

[ladyluscinia]

BLACKHANDS GIRLIES WE ARE REALLY IN IT NOW!!!

(aka Lady's OFMD 2x01 - 2x03 BlackHands rambling)

Link to the general non-BlackHands thoughts.

Screaming. Whooping. Cheering. *Singsong voice* My fucked up pirate husbands had mutual love confessions while the main fucked up pirate husbands are "on a break" after admitting they made each other happy! AAAAHHHHHH!!! Can't murder-suicide the other half of yourself! I am winning!!!

ADJSKLDFSKJFKDL

Ok. Deep breaths. This will be rambling but coherently (<- lying)

---

Breakup Boat - Izzy's Version

Fuck, I said in my general thoughts post that the extremities of Edward's cruelty & Edward's suicidal pursuit were working well, and nowhere is that more noticeable than in what Edward and Izzy have going on.

So in the timeskip between S1 and S2 we find out Edward has been raiding ships at a breakneck pace, uncaringly trauma bonding his crew (R.I.P. Ivan), going hard on murder & booze & drugs, and tormenting Izzy to the point my guy is literally having a breakdown in front of the crew. He lost the 1st toe for threatening to resign and accidentally setting off a Stede-hurt timebomb, and Edward goes to take a 4th because Izzy doesn't convince his whole crew to happily dump their pay in the ocean. "Threaten me again" has become "Give me any excuse" it seems, and Izzy has been complying. 😬 Edward (casually): "Take your boot off." 😬 Earlier Edward offers him rhino horn, too, and Izzy just says "No, not right now" leading Edward to call him a "lightweight", so I'm thinking Edward hasn't had exclusive rights to substance abuse as a means of coping, either. (Note: the rhino horn itself does nothing, so the substance abuse is booze and any actual drugs he's gotten his hands on.)

Oh, and they didn't include the shot where Edward throws a knife at Izzy? Did it just get cut, or are we getting flashbacks with more conversation later?

Going to rewatch the end of 1x10, Izzy's "smile" at declaring Blackbeard was back lasts a fraction of a second and looks just like his "everything is totally fine I swear" grimace-smiles from the beginning of the episode, so I think it's pretty safe to say Izzy did not ask for this and hasn't thought everything was fine for a single second since.

The Breakup Boat atmosphere is definitely fucked.

Now, personally, I'm still of the opinion we're not supposed to read this as a version of a domestic abuse arc (even with the intervention talk). (EDIT: clarifying thoughts and phrasing.) Because they still inject too much of it with humor and I can't imagine Edward comfortably coming out the other side at a happy ending if we frame it that way. Like there's black comedy and then there's "Wait, we're really just laughing this off?" I think horrific domestic abuse of your ex-situationship in a romance counts as the latter. But I do think it's revealed to be functioning as something adjacent - namely Edward's depression and suicidal tendencies have massively spiked post-Stede and he's actively seeking to a) confirm his own belief that he's unlovable, and b) get killed so everything stops hurting.

And Izzy? Izzy loves him and wants him alive. Worst thing Edward could hear right now.

Like oh my GOD IZZY LOVES HIM. As soon as Izzy hits his breaking point and realizes the crew have his back, he's emboldened to go stand up for them and himself to Edward. (He has been defending them already - the pre-intervention conversation open with him quietly alluding that they need a break - but this is more.) He ignores the boot order, ignores the threat, and finally asks the damn question:

"Who am I to you?"

This is where my linear coherency falls apart btw 🥴

---

Who KNOWS You?

"We've worked together for years. You know me better than anyone has ever known me, and I daresay the same is true for me about you. I have... love for you, Edward."

Oh fuck backstory implications oh FUCK.

Ok, I've already seen the posts doubling down on Izzy realizing he doesn't know Edward at all and I'm drawing my line in the sand. That's bullshit. That line there? That's straight truth.

To quote my own posts:

People will act like you are making bold and unsubstantiated claims if you say Izzy likes Edward as a person not just as Blackbeard, but I find the notion that “Blackbeard” as a human guy you live down the hall from is somehow substantially different / distant enough from the real Edward 24/7 that only liking Blackbeard is plausible to be a very bold claim.

(That conclusion comes from this post, but Izzy knowing Edward vs Stede knowing Edward was also a major point in my original overarching Edward Meta from Season 1.)

Of course Izzy knows Edward. He knows his talents and his weaknesses. He knows the shifts in his mood, his favorite foods to find in a hold, what tasks he used to pass off as often as possible. He talks about work with him because they live on a ship. Their state of dysfunction when we meet them doesn't negate that knowing.

Knowing each other so well actually made their dysfunction worse. Let them escalate more than two people less intimate could have managed, while also exacerbating their misjudgements into ruinous disasters. Izzy didn't know - probably in part didn't want to know - Edward was falling hard for Stede so fast. Edward didn't know or want to know that Izzy was reaching a breaking point for their relationship.

But still, crucially, Izzy did know Edward well enough to clock that something was fundamentally wrong in 1x10, and he knows what's wrong now. He knows Edward is hurting him and hurting the crew because Edward himself is hurting, and the whole point of this "I'm worried about you" talk is to try and fix it.

Unfortunately, Izzy has Stede so unspoken at the front of his mind that he accidentally quotes the man, and that sets Edward off on his interrogation / further terrorizing the crew Izzy is trying to stand up for. Which is why Izzy finally makes his choice to stop talking around the issue...

"The atmosphere on this ship is fucked. Everyone knows why." -> "Your feelings for Stede fucking Bonnet."

...and then Edward shoots his leg out. Not even looking at him.

Jump ahead. Edward says to Frenchie, "The new First Mate always kills the old First Mate. It's always been like that." - Has it though? Because that has some wild implications for Izzy murdering someone to secure his spot in Edward's circle of trust (...hot). And some interesting gaps for Edward if he was ever a first mate under Hornigold or anyone else. Or is this just him fucking with Frenchie because he knows "Trust is king. And queen. Trust is everything" is bullshit? Go, repression boy, go. Who am I talking about? Both. Both is good.

And then of course we get:

"Did you think I wouldn't know the smell of my rotting former First Mate?"

Knows him by the smell of blood and infection. By the avoidant look in his crew's eye. By the fact he doesn't know Izzy is dead. Their relationship is rot and ruin by his own hand but he would NEVER assume Izzy's dead until he knows.

"He was your friend," Jim spits in Edward's face.

Edward wakes up Izzy and even delirious, literal seconds after realizing he's down a leg, Izzy knows what Edward wants the moment he flips the gun. And he wants nothing to do with it.

He knows he can't. Won't. No matter how much Edward openly wants him to pull the trigger. (Edward knows him well enough to doubt, too. It's real convenient that his final staging has Izzy looking at the back of his head. No chance of his face giving anything away.)

Izzy's absolutely brutal in his assessment, trying to give some hurt back, but he's not wrong:

"Ohhhh. Oh, are you scared, Eddie? Too scared to do it yourself, eh? Go on, clean up your own fucking mess. I'm not doing it, I've been doing it all my fucking life. Fuck off."

All his fucking life.

I have to wonder... is this a conversation they've had before? Echoes of one? Izzy has a tactic here - dismissal. Refuse to play along with Edward's melodrama. Treat "I dreamt that you killed me" as though he's throwing a snit like a toddler. "Good for you" could have sounded like a question egging him on, but it comes out flat. A sarcastic sneer. Edward has always thought he'd go out with more of a bang. Loves a good fuckery. In his Purgatory he desperately wants Hornigold to recognize how unique and over the top his mutiny was. Not like those ordinary mutinies. Even his imagined death is being pitched over the highest bluff tied to a rock???

Izzy knows Edward is serious or he wouldn't be so fraught and sobbing as he laughs, but his words don't treat him as serious. Maybe a bit of derision has been effective at ruining the fantasy before? Suicide of a great leader is just so banal, you know? Quit daydreaming and pull off an impossible fix.

(Maybe "Fuck off" normally doesn't end the conversation, but starts the real one?)

Also "Eddie". First off of Izzy's lips at his cruelest, then Hornigold's. We heard it in S1 right before Edward committed to becoming the Kraken. At the time I thought he was bristling at the disrespect - "Eddie" is not "just Edward" - but maybe Frenchie stepped on a bigger landmine than we thought. Edward is so particular about names, and Izzy knows all the rules best, doesn't he?

Either way... This time the conversation ends with Edward leaving. "Farewell, old chum," he says without turning around. And when he hears the gunshot, he's not surprised.

Edward knows Izzy, too. Knows that the farewell may count as "closure" but Izzy is only going to take the ending one way. Izzy lifting the gun to his temple was the inevitable result of leaving that room. It takes seconds. Edward is still rising out of the stairwell when it happens.

We can't talk about knowing without touching on Purgatory, where Edward goes to know himself.

Lots of interesting stuff about Edward modeling his toxic spiral off of Hornigold as the fucked up example from his past. Probably where he picked up a lot of his piracy philosophy too. But the really juicy bit related to Izzy is the spectre of Hornigold confronting him about killing his dad and Edward's instinctive:

"I've never told anyone about that."

Hornigold calls him out for telling Stede, but it seems pretty likely that Stede is the only one he's ever had the conversation with.

However.

I still think Izzy knows. Hornigold even tells us how:

"A grown man covered in tattoos? Eh? With daddy issues?"

Edward didn't tell Izzy, and Izzy didn't ask for confirmation. But Edward will tell a whole crew of strangers about "the Kraken" killing his dad to win best ghost story. And that his dad was a dick. Izzy, who Edward loves and trusts and "outsources the big job" to, would not have much trouble connecting the dots between any version of that story / troubled childhood anecdotes / Edward's issues with killing / Edward's daddy issues.

I sincerely doubt "killed your abusive old man" is even an uncommon pirate backstory.

Izzy does know Edward - at his best and worst and everything in between. Knows him better than anyone. Suspects with certainty his darkest secret.

Izzy knows Edward, and Edward knows Izzy, and that's why everything fundamentally quakes for Edward in this self-destructive rampage when Izzy breaks their unspoken rule and tells him that he loves him.

---

Who LOVES You?

Jumping back to the (first!) literal, actual love confession we got, let's talk phrasing. Because yeah there's love there, but at the moment there's also a lot of other stuff.

"I have... love for you, Edward."

This is such a passive way of confessing, and there's the long pause as Izzy forces it out. People have attributed it to repression, or feeling ashamed of his love for Edward, or just not wanting to push it on him. I think "love" isn't a word they use out loud, so saying it is hard, but I also think Izzy's being passive because at the moment it does just feel like he "has" love. He doesn't want to actively feel it or offer it up right now, not with the complicated knot of anger and hurt and, tbh, probably some of his own depression. He "has" love because, despite everything, he still loves Edward.

And he does, is the thing! The whole goddamn reason Izzy is here, still trying to be a support for Edward is because he loves him. Literally anybody else would have left by now, or killed Edward, considering he's actively trying to push Izzy to the breaking point. And even at said point, when Izzy's finally standing up for himself, he offers Edward another chance to realize he's loved.

Edward starts dismissing him the moment he says the l-word, but Izzy continues:

"I'm worried about you - we all are. The atmosphere on this ship is completely poisoned. But if we could all just, maybe... talk it through?"

Izzy knows what's wrong and while he didn't originally think Stede was that important to Edward, he's put it together by now. And he's a huge fan of trying to talk through their problems, tries it multiple times even in the peak communication failure / stress powderkeg of S1, so of course he tries one last time to get Edward to accept he's not alone.

Instead, he accidentally invokes the ghost of Stede Bonnet and reminds Edward why he's doing all of this in the first place. Reminds him that he is unlovable while having the audacity to confess to loving him.

So Edward makes a big show of going out on deck, shoots Izzy in the leg, and tells Frenchie to get rid of him.

Frenchie doesn't, naturally.

And when Edward finds the crew saving the man who he just shot for daring to love him - because of course they are, he's their dick now - well... "He was your friend," Jim spits in his face, having just been thinking about their best friend (who they are more than a little bit in love with 👀).

How long do we think Edward stands there, looking at what he's wrought? How long does he sit at Izzy's bedside, looking at him "rather still" while he weighs if the missing leg proves his point where the toes didn't?

And you know Izzy's love is so bone deep and rooted in that it's unconditional by this point, because Edward did NOT prove his fucking point. Nothing he's done so far is enough to get the man who loves him to pull the fucking trigger. Down 3 toes and then a leg, asking first thing whether Edward was there for the other one, and STILL. STILL IZZY IS HEARTBROKEN AT THE REALIZATION THAT EDWARD IS READY TO END IT FOR REAL.

Still he won't pull the trigger himself. Not on Edward, at least.

And only after Izzy is gone can Edward return the words.

"I loved you. Best I could."

*screaming crying tearing at the walls*

He loved him.

HE LOVED HIM.

Edward's perspective of his relationships is fundamentally warped. Alongside his self-image. Probably has been for most of his life, going back to the self-hatred he ties to killing his dad. Stede leaving hurt him immensely (and predictably, Stede) in ways Stede will have to own up to, but it was Edward's own unaddressed issues - independent of Stede AND Izzy - that determined the appropriate response to that hurt was "realize that vulnerability and hope are lies and every dark voice in the back of your mind ever was telling the truth, actually."

Edward's conviction that nobody loves him and that he's not capable of successfully loving someone back is literally his depression talking. It is not rationally based in the reality of his life or relationships, Stede or otherwise. He may even have successfully beat back the sentiment for most of his life, with that getting harder and harder as time went on.

(He's expressed this kind of depressive-episode-driven warped view before, btw, and they explicitly parallel it in Purgatory just for me! The flashbacks of the bathtub scene while he attacks the spectre of Hornigold are my huge W in that episode. "It all boils down to this - you're afraid you're unlovable", said by the actual manifestation of Edward's suicidal self-hatred in Purgatory, is the new "That's why I don't have any friends." I think it's fair to question if he was a reliable narrator of his experiences back then, too. Jim and the crew certainly think he had at least one friend.)

Basically, "Best I could" now can mean a lot of things before. Young Izzy and Edward could have been much healthier than they are at present. Probably were, to be honest. It wasn't enough to save them from going sour, but it could explain why they've stuck together so long even as it has.

Izzy loves Edward. Edward loves Izzy.

LOVE LOSES. BUT LOVE WINS 😭😭😭

---

Kraken Era = Murder-Suicide, but Edward Wants to be the Murdered One

So, uh... *scrambling for notes* Where am I going with this? Fuck, I'm not even writing it linearly... OK!

Izzy KNOWS Edward - knows him going back ages, has seen his darkest and weakest moments - and even after 3 toes and a stress breakdown he still LOVES him enough to say it out loud (which I doubt these guys do, uh, ever). Which really throws a wrench in Edward's "Stede realized I'm inherently toxic and unlovable" theory, and prompts him to redouble his "prove to Izzy he doesn't love me" efforts by casually shooting him.

Afterward, he finally makes his passive suicidal intents explicit when talking (practically sobbing, in truth) to Frenchie:

"Never going back to land. We're gonna sail, rob, raise hell forever and ever, without end."

He's set on it, now. Izzy's potential last act was to finally rip down the illusion, give name to the hurt Edward had been running from since he first put on his Kraken makeup. So he pushes his little wedding toppers out the window, cleans himself up, and goes out to wave every single red flag imaginable for poor Frenchie's locked box.

Except it wasn't Izzy's last act, now was it?

But that's fine for Edward. That actually works better. He wants the hopeless situation to end, but he doesn't want to pull the trigger himself or he would have done it by now. After everything, surely Izzy should be ready to murder-suicide him??? He can't still love him, not after Edward so effectively proved he's exactly as toxic as his self-loathing depressive episodes say he is. It's poetic.

Edward underestimates Izzy. Knows him with his head, but the depression makes him underestimate his heart.

Edward doesn't get a bullet through the head, be hears the gun go off and - well - that's one way to spin "not even Izzy loves me any more" into a true statement.

Edward wants to live slightly more than he wants everything to end. It's the only reason he's alive. Before Izzy said Stede's name he was floating high on denial like that bird who never lands, keeping his depression and his destruction as a blast radius more than a dagger. He was lurching in the direction of dying by combat or by crew mutiny or by simple self-destructive behaviors, but he avoided thinking about anything long enough to have intent.

After Izzy's desperate attempt to intervene, Edward can't hide from his own reasoning anymore. Or his hurt. Or his self-enforced hopelessness. And with that comes aims. He has his rough night and then starts the massive red flag upswing. Cleans up. Gets ready for the big finale. He pushes Izzy with the "closure" conversation, trying to find a pressure point that will get him killed to close off the narrative with a artful bow.

Murder-suicide sounds like a fix to his problems, but he still wants to live slightly more. He still can't turn the gun on himself. He aims to be the murdered one.

After Izzy is gone, though, by Edward's own actions? That's the last straw he needs to commit in full. Thanking Frenchie? Just another final goodbye to get his affairs in order. "Take the day off, brother. Go live." The moment Izzy dies they all become dead men walking.

Thank FUCK that Edward a) still would prefer it if they snapped and murdered him / something out of his control killed him (he still wants to live), and b) still wants to die dramatically. A different man would have walked right back to his cabin and not missed.

Sidebar to appreciate the breakup boat crew some more because I love them:

Fang: "So... do we think he's better?" Jim: "Fuck no!"

Edward is ready to be the murderer with his cannon pointed at the mast, but he stalls on damning the whole crew to a watery grave (r.i.p. half of them), gives Izzy time to wake up and drag himself out to protect said crew, and then finally gets what he's been after.

Edward's motivations are already perfectly clear, but just to really hammer it in - he thinks he just drove a man he loved to suicide, and then he demands the couple he found kissing fight to the death with the reasoning:

"All love dies, I'm just hastening the process."

Jim literally just learned last season that was bullshit, my guy. It makes sense they are the one who finally puts a stop to him.

(Except the cannonball doesn't hit. There's no head wound. And Edward is alive when they take him back to the secret room, laying him out respectfully instead of letting the waves take him too. They don't even know if they'll survive. They certainly don't have anywhere to take the body, or a working ship to get there. Maybe they didn't notice because they didn't want to notice.)

(AND EDWARD STILL WANTS TO LIVE)

Both Izzy and Edward try to die. Both of them do - maybe, in the bottom of their hearts - want to live just a tiny bit more. They shoot each other. They say OUT LOUD they love each other (though Edward I swear to fuck you better say that to Izzy's face ohmygod). They are on this journey together.

BOTH OF THEM LIVE. AND NOW THEY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.

(I feel like I wanted to add stuff about Stede & Izzy meeting again but like. I don't even know. Izzy doesn't even know. Is he protecting the crew? Deflecting? Edward's dignity (-ish)? Stede's good opinion of Edward? Dealing with his own massively fucked headspace? Ask me again on Friday. Fuck.)

My fucked up guys are in toxic fucked up LOVE!!!

[thevalleyoftriumph]

Helloo o/ I'm the anon from earlier who sent you many many questions about your system chosen Very glad that my ask wasn't overwhelming because I approach with yet more questions >:] get ready Does Dark know Chosen is a system? Or a part of a system? Unsure of the correct way to call it. What does he think of each of them if yes? I can see Dark talking excitedly about a shared interest with Killer, Dark loves Chosen dearly but its. Difficult. To get a bit of emotion out of him. Killer though? Once they feel comfortable around him I can see them allowing themselves to become more expressive/ easily excited "Beast had sorta filed them away as one of the very few ""trustworthy"" sticks" <- quote from the answer you gave to my first ask. I'm guessing Dark was also in this list yes? Beast was co-conscious during AVA3 if i remember correctly and so saw Dark was willing to help and defend. Even if Beast didn't trust them 100% it didn't think of them as a threat right? Maybe even considered him an ally And if yes, Dark was on the Trustworthy list, what about the virabot thing made Beast decide "Hmmm no he's an enemy actually"? I wonder how Killer unmasking around Dark for the first time went, and whether that's how Dark found out his brother is a system Has Killer ever jumped 10ft in the air because they were startled by the toaster? And if yes, how long did it take for Dark to stop laughing Has Beast ever come out mid spar? Realises they're mid combat so rushes out to protect and- And Dark realises he's not fighting who he was before, Chosen doesn't look at him with infinite distrust. Killer doesn't stand both ready for combat and to flee at a moments notice (Beast wouldn't flee, but despite that, I think its always ready to). Dark just backs away slowly I think, lowering his hands and doing everything possible to communicate he's not a threat. This allows Beast a bit of extra time to take in what's around, just incase its missed something in its initial assessment and. And they're both wearing handwraps, Dark's taken their bracelet off and whoever was here before Beast tied their jacket round their waist. Beast doesn't need to protect here, but it does now need to apologise I'm guessing Beast remembers it can speak while fronting from time to time right? Even if it feels Odd. I've got the mental image of Dark cooking something for himself, except Beast ALSO likes it alot alot and Dark just hears "Please." from behind him. Turns around to see Beast staring at him like its trying to beam the thought directly into Darks mind. They understand, and Dark maybe even gets a "Thank You" after the foods made. Idk, I like small things like that, if Dark doesn't know Chosen's a system then its just a small couple What-If's or What-Could-Have-Been's Also, what is a Singlet? I cant remember where you used the word but I am unfamiliar with it Also also, VERY happy that my terminology is correct, that whole ask I was terrified that I was aggressively wrong about something and was going to end up being incredibly rude Also ALSO also, I am giving Beast a mug of hot chocolate and a weighted blanket. It deserves to relax Breaking this up into more than one ask because tumblr is angry with me

WOW. HI!!!! OH MY GOD. HELLO. you are literally the most bestest person ever for being so curious and allowing me to speak so much WOW okay let me break all this down.

putting everything once more under a cut, but a breakdown here is i FIRST go through unrelated things such as helping a bit with your confusion on terms and meanings, before getting into the actual AVA stuff, so if anyone wants to skip that, there Is gonna be a linebreak ^_^ a lot of it is just definition talk so its probably boring if you already know this stuff lol. if youve come just for the headcanon, feel free to skip down to it! <3

FIRST ! since you were a bit confused, i would like to say; DID specifically stands for "Dissociative Identity Disorder." It is probably the most well known of the disorders that would constitute as being a "system" disorder, if you will. In the past it has been referred to by other things such as MPD, or multiple personality disorder, but that is since considered inaccurate and incredibly out of date.

OSDD, or Other Specified Dissociative Disorder, is another dissociative disorder as the name implies. In one specific case, is similar to DID in that a major symptom is the forming of distinctive parts - or alters - but has enough differences that it's been classified as it's own thing [though iirc, some professionals are debating if the distinction is necessary? Honestly I'm not a psychologist so I can't really comment on that part, but I felt it was worth noting that this was brought up once or twice.]

The distinction here is this; DID is usually diagnosed when there are at Least two distinct "parts" to a person, often being two [or more] entirely seperate people, and is paired with amnesia. This is not at all everything to do with the disorder, as it's a massively complex disorder with plenty of symptoms, but it is this specific symptom set in its most basic explanation. OSDD however can vary! OSDD-1 is specifically defined by wikipedia as when one is experiencing a "sub thresh-hold" to DID. There's way more "types" to OSDD, and as such I am not nearly equipped enough to talk about 2-4, but chances are if you're speaking to a system who has it, they will usually have either OSDD-1A, or -1B. These two aren't technically real diagnostic terms, they're moreso used to describe a set of symptoms. 1A is defined as having less disticnt alters than DID or 1B. 1B is specified by a lack of complete blackouts, aka amnesia, though they may instead experience grayouts and emotional amnesia. To be fair in at least my case specifically, grayouts are pretty common rrrregardless? But honestly that might just be a My Own Thing issue and a case of overlapping symptoms than anything else, so don't take my word for it entirely lol I get complete blackouts and grayouts and its soooo miserable helppp [I'm being lighthearted in tone on purpose you're allowed to laugh ^_^ /gen]

Lastly, the term "singlet" is an unofficial term that a lot of systems online use to refer to people who do not have alters. I'm like 99.9% sure it's like, never used in a professional setting, but I'm also Not a psychologist, again, so I have no clue if it's ever used offline. It's not anything negative, just a descriptor term the same way many other descriptor terms are used :]

Okay that's about it for explaining things. If anything else confuses you for any reason please don't be afraid to ask! And if you wanna look into it yourself, all I'll say is use literally anything OTHER than social media for research, there's a crazy amount of misinfo, especially on Tumblr or Tiktok.

Onto the questions and scenarios -- for questions, I will once again copypaste and bold them. For scenarios, I'll probably end up putting in a screenshot [with IDs, don't worry] for clarities sake.

------------------------------------------------------

1: Does Dark know Chosen is a system? Or a part of a system? Unsure of the correct way to call it. What does he think of each of them if yes?

For a very long time, Dark had NO idea Chosen was part of a system. [And either descriptors work, I honestly use both depending on which sounds less clunky at the time lol].

Dark had just assumed Chosen had some odd "quirks" here and there for ages, and didn't really push too hard whenever "Chosen" ended up getting really quiet, or more jumpy. I def agree with your HC that Dark probably doesn't have very many interactions [if any at all] with sticks outside of Chosen, so at most he just assumes this is normal.

Of course eventually, they do end up telling him - it takes a lot of effort on their part to build up the courage to do it and not immediately chicken out, because this is a Pretty Personal Thing after all, but like. Dark takes it so much better than they were expecting? And he's also very open to accomodating the other two with very little issue. Even if it takes time for Killer [and even Beast] to relax enough around him, and even if he does still have some trouble telling who's-who at first, he does try his best. At the end of the day, the three are his family, and he DOES care about them.

While we already know [or can at least infer] what he feels about Chosen, he does have different thoughts about the other two. You're 100% right this part specifically:

Dark and Killer do have quite a bit of overlapping interests, they realize once they get to talking to each other! They honestly bounce off each other scarily well, and are the type of people to start a stupid bit as a joke and just keep adding onto it for like, twenty minutes. For the most part, Dark's perception of Killer is positive! He's also gotten a bit into the habit of being A Bit Obviously Noisy around the house once realizing Killer's issue with being snuck up on or surprised - previously, Dark was unintentionally VERY quiet. He's naturally sorta light on his feet, lacking footsteps most of the time, and ends up startling most people. After both a discussion and accidental event, he starts trying to be more purposefully loud in their home, especially if he's somewhere Killer can't see, or has to be behind them for one reason or another. Nothing anything TOO loud - no slamming doors or footsteps, no yelling, just casual noise. Jewelry that clacks together or just humming a song.

With Beast, he's more cautious. He understands its purpose, and why it's there, and for the most part, Dark doesn't really.... saying he doesn't mind makes it seem like something it's not but honestly I can't find a better way to word it. He doesn't mind its staring or its lack of speaking, and I'm also gonna pull up another part you said because honestly while I initially wanted Beast to be 100% quiet I'm a massive fan of this little scenario and so I'm adopting it into my worldview immediately;

So yeah Dark is like, completely on board with Beast's more odd traits, once it actually is able to relax for once. I'd say Beast is probably the one Dark knows the least just by way of it rarely ever fronting outside of the more dire circumstances. He knows enough from what he can piece together from his own memories of it, plus any resulting messages from Chosen and Killer depending on how much they know about it at that point in time. However, if asked personally and privately, Dark would express a bit of sympathy, maybe worry for Beast. He understands what it's like to be seen as a sort of... villainous person - not to the severity that Beast had been treated, but he can sympathize. And while he leans into it, he knows that it's the last thing Beast - or Chosen and Killer for that matter - would want for themselves. He sometimes wishes he could do more to help it, but often refrains from trying, knowing that any pushing could absolutely do more harm than good at this point, no matter how much he wants to try. It's a tricky situation, and it's a very unsteady trust they have, and he's not willing to rock the boat too hard and end up hurting the three. As I love to say about my favorite antagonist characters; he's a villain, not a monster, he's got standards lol

1.5: Assuming Dark DOESNT know Chosen is/ is apart of a system (still don't know the correct way to call it), how does he react to switches? Or Killer and Beast in general?

Switches, in general, are meant to be pretty covert of a thing. If all goes right, no one should be able to tell, at the very least not right away, that a switch occured. Thus, before Dark learned about everything, a few little things did tip him off as to something being a bit.. off with "Chosen." He'd notice a lot of forgetfulness of things that happened literally yesterday, or sudden preferences doing a complete 180 into something else, or, like you mentioned, complete silence all of a sudden. If it's a big enough and sudden enough change then he would definitely notice how odd it is and just kinda file it away for later, thinking "oh that was really strange, maybe I should ask about that?"

Yeah honestly all of this is pretty accurate to how that'd go down pre-knowing. Like I said Dark definitely hasn't interacted with very many people [if anyone at all] outside of Chosen and thus does think this is probably normal to a degree, but the first few times [more like a couple hundred times] it DOES kinda hurt a bit and cause some confusion before they can work something out for it.

2: ...I'm guessing Dark was also in this list yes? Beast was co-conscious during AVA3 if i remember correctly and so saw Dark was willing to help and defend. Even if Beast didn't trust them 100% it didn't think of them as a threat right? Maybe even considered him an ally

Oh yeah, for a while after it was able to let go of the constantly moving train of thought that consisted exclusively of just "protect" and "danger," it did for a long time consider Dark trustworthy enough to feel safe around and to relax, even if it was just the tiniest amount. It's almost always on guard, but... well, surely it can let Dark watch its back just this once, right? It was a sort of "well, you're not hurting me, and we are fighting the same guy, so......." sort of allyship at first. It probably definitely helped that for a long time between AVA3 and Showdown, Dark and Chosen probably had pretty relaxed lives outside of the whole tormening the internet thing. They probably didn't really do anything that'd warrent the feeling of danger in their free time, so on the days when Beast would be the one jolting awake at night, it'd be able to, slowly, calm down. Plus, with Dark being so open minded about things that help Beast instead of hurt it, and the way the other two seemed fine with him, it did begin to trust him.

2.5: And if yes, Dark was on the Trustworthy list, what about the virabot thing made Beast decide "Hmmm no he's an enemy actually"?

Oh god, the Virabots. Yeah that whole thing was a complete MESS for the three honestly. It was less the presence of the Virabots themselves and moreso the actions that Dark had made them do against Chosen specifically. Until then, Chosen was mostly cautious about them - he knew they could be dangerous, but at that point still believed he could talk Dark out of his plan. Along with this, Dark is kinda the worlds most emotionally constipated guy ever, and has ZERO skills in talking about his plans and feelings without requiring people to do a five page deconstructive essay to decipher what he means about it. To Chosen, the second that first Virabot ended up trying to actively kill him, was when the seed of doubt kinda bloomed. He was worried then, and had the idea that yes, Dark is still a killer, he is destructive, always has been, and is fully capable of hurting him - or worse, if he somehow got the upper hand. Chosen knows this fact very, very well. It was quite literally their first ever interaction.

But he still wanted to believe Dark wouldn't do that.

Until he got quite literally dogpiled, of course. I'd say the second Dark started actively sic'ing Virabots at him was the moment that Chosen pulled back and Beast shoved itself into front going "okay, this is serious, this is not the person we trusted, because our Dark wouldn't hurt us like this." It was vehement denial mixed with a sort of bitter "I told you so" feeling. It saw this coming, it let its guard down, it trusted someone, and now it was being attacked by something it could barely take on as one, nevermind tens, maybe hundreds. It was being attacked by Dark. So it had to fix that mistake and remove the threat at the same time, if that makes sense.

^ Literally 100% you read my mind anon this has totally happened before, especially more in the early years of the two living together. You described this really well actually, and the way you described Beast's stance - ready for combat AND read to flee at a moments notice - is exactly how I picture it;; it's always ready to fight back and lash out, but moreso in that cornered way where it's obvious it also sorta wants to book it after getting enough hits in to where it'll be confident that whatevers after it Isn't Moving Towards It anymore.

I really don't have much to add to that scenario because you are literally so correct I am shaking you by the shoulders [positive tone] this is SO REAL RAAGH. Yeah ^_^

Honest to god yeah that's probably exactly how he ended up knowing. I think like I mentioned earlier, it's kinda a case of a bunch of little things adding up before they eventually tell him any details that help with understanding, but before that Dark definitely has his suspicions and it's totally because of Killer 😭 Unfortunately bro is NOT very subtle if they're not putting their focus into masking /j

It'd probably be something small and inconsequential and silly, really. Something simultaniously dumb as hell but also a massive show of trust, y'know? I'd have to think more on the details but I like to think that as Killer gets more comfortable, and more sure that they don't have to pretend to be Chosen to still be safe, they let go of the masking little by little, with small things - maybe a preference in food or drink here and there, or small comments about interests that they know are much too distinct from anything Chosen ever expressed liking before. It feels more natural the more they do it, before they eventually forget to mask around Dark, because it feels more comfortable to them being themselves.

Oh yeah for sure. 5 minutes at least, paired with that sorta laughy halfhearted apology for laughing, followed by the occasional snort or huff or laugh every few minutes after that whenever Dark thinks about it for the rest of the day. Killer is not mad at the laughing but they are in fact waiting for the day they can do the same towards Dark ☝ every day they hope he trips stupidly [JOKE]

3: Who was fronting during The Box? You mentioned Chosen during Wanted, and I'm assuming its either him or Killer during the beginning of the box. But once they realise they're trapped? When Chosen turns to Victim in the episode? I can see that being Beast. I know shifts aren't always easy to spot but if Beast was going to come in at any time, it was when they realised they were trapped.

You're pretty correct here; for a lot of The Box, it's primarily Chosen, though Beast is definitely doing the metaphorical "hovering ominously in the back" thing thanks to the chase and injury sustained during Wanted. It's not quite reaching the "feeling like their life is in danger" levels at this point, but it's close and Chosen is feeling very dizzy, thanks.

You're also very correct in your assessment that realizing they're trapped is what, primarily, causes Beast to switch in; collectively, they have a VERY bad history with being trapped or imprisoned. Honestly I feel like they're actually pretty claustrophobic - I don't really see anyone mention this too much, but when Chosen got caught by the firewall in AVA2, he LITERALLY gets locked up inside a little box. It's probably cramped and dark and obviously unbreakable. That 100% left an impact on him - and in this HC, his system as a whole never really escaped that being a triggering thing.

To Beast, it feels very obviously trapped - cornered and contained much like it had been when it first formed. To it, this isn't a fight to JUST protect, but a fight to save their life. It feels genuinely like that, even if it wont die here, it'll just be imprisoned all over again, chained down and used for anothers gain. And it wants anything BUT that. It will fight tooth and nail - quite literally, might I add - to get out of there, because it believes that the second it gives up it is over for them. It has no idea what Victim wants from it -- and so it defaults to that Victim wants to fully and entirely kill them.

4: Speaking again of the box, when they realise that they are NOT beating Victim, does someone elbow Beast out of the way? To try and escape? Because fighting has proven entirely futile? Or is someone co-conning (I assume that means co-conscious) with it and convincing it to pull away, since in the original post, Vic was talking to Beast while 'Chosen' was tied up on the chair

[You're right, co-conning is short for co-conscious ^^]

Honestly probably yes? For a good while it's still fighting back, or at the very least sticking around to take the brunt of whatever Victim is throwing at them - being a protector doesn't only mean physically, it also means mentally. Sometimes things may not hurt someone on the outside, but could wreck them on the inside, and they need someone more equipped with dealing with these things - or, more crudely, Used To dealing with these things - to take over.

When it becomes apparent that Beast cant fight its way out of this, someone - though I haven't really settled on who - definitely tries to front to try other methods of escape. Maybe it's Chosen, maybe it's Killer, honestly realistically they wouldn't even be able to tell either under all that stress. There's definitely someone giving passive-influence to try and escape though. Beast is determined to intimidate Victim, and to keep the others from having to experience anything rough, but... it's a bit hard to stick around when everything in your body - externally, and internally - is screaming for you to get the hell out of there, in one way or another. In short it's having an awful time and unfortunately the others are there for the ride /j

5: Beast comes out when they're trapped or in a fight for their life, but does it (and the others) have any positive triggers that will draw them out? I've heard of music being used, or toys, maybe also food? Idk, but if you have something in mind for these three I'm curious what it is

Oh yeah positive triggers can definitely happen with systems! At the end of the day they do still trigger out an alter so it can still be pretty disorienting at first, so I will say it's mostly [at least and my and my friends cases irl] only used either when we are completely okay with it [both system-wise and alter-wise] or when whoever's in front is having a rough time and kinda needs a break, but doesn't exactly want to stress anyone else out via a negative trigger, if that makes sense.

However comma ! That does not mean I can't give positive triggers to my little guys here. Because I do think they deserve good things.

You're right in that things like music, toys, and even food are really common ones, at least in my experience and from what I've seen. Sometimes it can also be certain people! It really varies quite a bit, so when developing a headcanon that relates to that, there's quite a bit of wiggle room lol

I think it'd be slightly different for these three depending on who it is;

Chosen would probably have some related to music, and maybe a more niche one related to welding. Music because I feel like he's the type of guy to get comfort from listening to songs he loves on loop, and welding because he probably heard the sound a lot while Dark was working in his little workshop, either on the Virabots or on other such projects. [Sidenote, welding as a sound is something I'm actually pretty fond of myself, but if anyone's not a big fan of the sound of sparking, or repetative "buzzing", you probably won't like it if you look it up lol. It's not too loud on video, but I can see how it'd get annoying or give someone a headache.]

Killer is definitely the more food oriented one in all honesty. Maybe even specific books it's read? Certain meals that it enjoys are primarily it though - maybe things that it's made with Dark that it has a positive association with? Or things that it's tried once or twice, REALLY loved, and ended up always snagging front when they eat it because of that association. That kinda thing lol.

Beast is... kinda tricky to think of actual positives for? Not because it doesn't enjoy anything - honestly I think it's the type to enjoy slow and relaxing activities that it doesn't need to put a lot of thought into. Moreso because it's hard to pin down anything that would actively trigger it out just to experience. I am open to suggestions here! But for now I'll probably have to leave it at just, if it has any, it hasn't found out what they are yet </3

6: Can they feel the emotions of the other alters? I'm guessing they can feel the emotions of whoevers fronting, because physical sensations, but if someone was fronting and the other two were hovering over their shoulder so to speak, would they be able to tell how they feel?

Unrelated to this question but I had no idea emotions were a physical sensation that people felt until like, a few months ago, like it was just baffling to me it's kinda funny now that I think abotu it.

ANYWAYS; honestly I'd say yes, to some degree! Passive influence is pretty common in a few systems - you'll probably hear it talked about similiarly to how you asked about it, along with people saying something like, for example, they couldn't decide what to order from a restraunt, but someone else in the system wanted [this meal], and thus there was that passive influence to get it. Not sure if that makes sense but that's basically what that can feel like - and since it applies to things like opinions sometimes, it can also presumably apply to emotions!

It'd be less of a "they can feel each others exact thoughts and feelings about this thing if they're co-conning" thing, and more of a, for instance, "Chosen doesn't have any real strong feelings about the show they're watching, but Killer on the other hand really likes it, so Chosen feels a bit of that secondhand enjoyment and positivity towards it." Sorta an ambigious background feeling if that makes any sense. They do share a brain and body after all, so sometimes things do get passed and shared that way. [This one is super projecty based off my own stuff lol, I cannot count the amount of times someones ended up passively influencing me on accident when we were stuck co-conning. It's almost comical /j]

Okay I think that's all once more, I started writing this literally as soon as you sent these in and it's been nearly 2 hours so I've probably talked your ear off [talked your... eyes out? How does that phrase translate into text. Much to think about ...] but once again literally thank you so much for being so curious, and it's really not an issue that you've sent such long asks!!!

I adore talking about this headcanon a lot. I've said it before but this HC means a lot to me as a system; we don't get a lot of representation [nevermind good representation] so a lot of the times I like to try and find a character I feel it would fit the best, and then delve into it there. This HC is very very special to me and has a very special place in my heart, so seeing not only so many people accepting and positive about it, but also your own massive curiosity and engagement, really makes me happy!

Plus, ever since I posted this HC ages and ages ago in the community I've seen a ton more pop up every once and a while. It does make me pretty happy to see HCs like this be so widely accepted and appreciated. Along with that, I've also seen other systems in the fandom get super excited about this HC!!! And I'm just so so so happy that my silly little headcanon about sticks in this guys head can make other people feel more seen. I think it's the highest compliment to anything I've ever made. :]

[remyfire]

just had to pop in and say hello to a fellow animorphs kid. the animorphs to mash pipeline is real

spRINTING in and sliding into home base all cool and stuff yes hello :D :D

Animorphs my beloved. I started reading it way too young, probably, and we could only get maaaaybe 12 books out of the whole series in my library. I think I first found it before it was completed, actually, so maybe that's partly why, idk. But when we were dating, my wife nabbed me all of them in a big lovely digital package, so that's how like 20-year-old me got to finally finish reading the series and then cry my eyes out and stare at the ceiling for an hour processing it. Goddamn. Beautiful shit ;v;

Amusingly I had an Animorphs MASH AU pop into my head once, and it's going under the cut because I'm gonna go off at the mouth about it and I don't think many people will care about it, but you activated me and I'm excited now :D

It was specifically circling around Hawkeye being the only person to have this ability (no I have not yet decided how the escafil device got there before Elfangor did, don't worry about it, that's for later me to decide if I ever wrote it) and ending up morphing into Sophie for recon purposes because he could get away with a lot more scouting out of a suspected Yeerk installation as a wild horse than as a human in a jeep. Unfortunately the Sophie instincts make him too happy just to runrunrunrunrun. I think I had Radar as the only person who knew that Hawk had this ability, so when someone brought horse!Hawk back like "Oh hey I think the colonel's horse got out," Radar was just sweating and trying to pretend he wasn't hiding Sophie in her stall like "OH HOW WEIRD IS THAT," while Hawk who was rapidly approaching the two-hour mark was trying to very subtly trot into the barn and not panic Sophie as he morphed back out, bless them.

THEN my brain took it a couple of different routes! One was the variant of Frank's breakdown between S5 and S6. I posited the idea that a casualty that came in was the first to be infested, probably by a Yeerk scouting ship that went down somewhere deep in the forest, and when its alien host was dying on the ground and being investigated by a panicked American soldier, he didn't notice the lil slug creeping up his boot, over his pants, closer closer ever closer until it touched his face, and while he was in a panic and tripping over himself trying to get this thing off of him, he stumbles and bangs his head on something, and while he's reeling from it, that's when the Yeerk infests him. His host is now bleeding profusely from a head wound, though, and about to pass out, so when he ends up on Frank's operating table, this fucking Yeerk has already had a hell of a day.

So Frank manages to get infested by this Yeerk—again, I futz the details, they're not important rn hfkfd I think I posited Frank leaning down to hear what this gasping soldier is trying to say and the transition happening that way somehow—and the Yeerk is struggling to operate Frank's very poorly medically trained brain, so he is maiming and murdering casualties left and right. Everyone thinks he's cracking up because of Margaret's recent marriage, so they send him off on R&R. And the thing is that this Yeerk is starving and has been already for a full day, so the second Frank is there in Tokyo, his Yeerk has started to go insane from the lack of kadrona rays, and god bless Frank, but he was fragile enough already, and his conservative little mind was already paranoid and keen for conspiracies as it was, so he goes straight off the deep end. He does not get sent home with a promotion. He just happily believes that he did.

And then my brain took it a beejhawk route as I am wont to do where Hawkeye needs to know who is trustworthy around him, and he desperately needs to know if he can talk with BJ about what he's seen, what he's experiencing, so he gets them three-day passes and takes him to Seoul, and for the very first time...Hawk seduces him, and barely within minutes of arriving. And there's this brief pause before BJ surges into him with this low hum and unabashed, languid desire, and Hawk ends up pinning him down on the bed and making a quiet choked sound before he looks up at him with a feline grin and murmurs how he wants to play a game with BJ.

And this is how Hawk ends up tying BJ to a chair tight as he can in the middle of a Seoul hotel room, all while whispering the filthy things he's gonna do to Beej once he's got him secure. And then once he's checked all the knots and knows BJ can't get out of them, Hawk catches BJ by the chin and grins and looks him right in the eye and whispers, "I've got just under three days here alone with you. And you're gonna die the slowest, most excruciating death possible. And when you're squirming free, doing everything you can to find just one shred of food, I'm gonna laugh myself silly over how pathetic you are. And then I'm gonna grind you into a puddle for daring to get your disgusting little slime all over this fella's perfect fucking brain." Because he knows Beej wouldn't have drifted that easily into an affair with him, not without at least some degree of grief and self-directed frustration.

And unbeknownst to him, BJ—who has been so goddamn careful the entire time he and Hawk been working together to not let a lick of his desperate desire show through and tempt him, really tempt him—had intentionally pushed all those wet dreams and fantasies and hunger to the forefront of his mind just so his little Yeerk would bypass the sharp reluctance that BJ has to cheat again, so that it would instead think it was being incredibly clever, about to really wrap Hawkeye around its finger and find a way to make him another lovely host as well while his current one is all tied up with nowhere to go.

Something something watching the man you love writhe in agony for three days straight as his little parasite is using his voice to call you the worst fucking things possible with all the knowledge he has of what hurts you more than anything. Something something hearing him cry and plead and beg and promise you everything you've ever wanted with him if you'll just untie him, having to sit there against the wall with your head in your hands and whisper it's not him it's not him it's not him.

Man. What a fucking series, am I right? I'm really normal about it. Thank you for unlocking my babbling :D

[luciusspriggss]

now that the excitement of the ted lasso finale has worn off i am genuinely concerned

when i finished the finale, i had so much hope because i immediately thought, "this is so ridiculous they are practically exclaiming to the the audience in large neon lights that they have something up their sleeve that we are unaware of and we are going to get more of an explanation somehow and a potential return of certain characters in some way"

and now i am thinking more clearly and am like, "or what if i have never been so wrong about something(media) in my entire life and the whole show is tainted if THIS is what they were trying to say. if they think THIS is all we need and nothing more"

i'm just at a loss.

i have read many different interpretations from very different points of view

and when i sit and try to consider what could potentially be true, i can't comfortably sit with a singular explanation. they all bother me in some form or way.

because if only the dream aspect was the dream on the flight, there is a ton of fucking shit i am angry about (sam's entire story, the weird sexist bullshit between roy and jamie, no understanding of what trent wrote and how EVERYONE felt about it after published, just so much missing and unexplained)

the whole episode felt like a god damn nightmare to me. it made me feel so uncomfortable. because it would trick you into a safe space, and then do things that make no fucking sense and you no longer feel safe anymore. and the cycle just continues.

if none of it was a dream, then way too many people were out of character. i am at a fucking loss.

have you ever seen someone withdraw so much, and it seems like nobody gives a shit? ted disappears into the background?

oh he finds peace? bullshit

i just dont buy it, or the implications they suggest

ALSO ALSO

i felt like rupert was WAY TOO overly campy villain-esque. i understand even when given kindness and belief, some people choose to continue to perpetuate the toxic behaviors they are engaging in.

and i was curious what the show was going to do with rupert, and i was not happy with the results?

it is one thing to continue engaging in toxic behavior, it is another to become a cartoonish villain

i wish rupert kept doing what he was doing and over time people see him for what he is. i didnt want the whole world to hate him because of some nervous breakdown on the pitch with the coach.

there were a lot of callbacks. a ton of callbacks. and it didnt feel right

there is just a whole uncanny valley feeling with this episode

and for the first time while watching ted lasso, i feel very very uncomfortable

and no matter how many takes i read, it doesn't get better.

if anything, it gets worse.

[zalrb]

first off: thank you so much for writing this. i was really hoping youd go for the sirebond fanfic, so your effort is GREATLY appreciated! now let's get to the actual fanfic!

starting off with passionate stelena sex, BLISS! 😍

"Elena woke up with a gasp and when she blinked in the unfamiliar surroundings of her motel room and realized Stefan wasn't beside her, that gasp shuddered out to a sob. She curled onto the bed, gripping the scratchy sheets, and heaved violently as the cries wracked her body."

"She couldn't stand feeling like this. Like there was a slow tearing in her mind, in her very core that had yet to rip her completely apart. She never thought she'd feel this kind of pain again and she thought that it might kill her.

But she couldn't go back.

Staying away was the only way to keep her and Stefan alive."

OH MY GOD... my current facial expression is really similar to this:

LIKE....

LOL rebekah secretly being the biggest stelena stan is just so accurate. its funny cause i can really relate to her admiration for them. stelena is ultimate couple goals

"It would be sickening if it weren't so sincere. Elena's body was weakening, her breathing becoming more and more laborious but Rebekah could see that even in the midst of a physical breakdown, she was at peace. Being next to Stefan, choosing Stefan had made her at peace.

"No matter what happens," she was saying. "It's the best choice I ever made."

the fact that she has absolutely zero regrets despite the fact that choosing him led to her death... I CANT WITH STELENA. THEYRE TOO BEAUTIFUL. MY HEART CANT HANDLE IT

"Damon stared up at her for a second before he pushed her off him and got up in one, smooth motion then stormed off. She followed him, knowing Stefan would find Matt and take care of him. She could trust him to do that. She could trust him with anything."

"Elena shook her head at him, almost relieved in how pointless this all was. "I do know that. And I also know that you never got it and if you don’t get it now, you never will," she said. "I could never have had those things if Matt died. It would have never been the life I wanted without him alive. And you can’t think that far ahead to see that. Stefan can."

I AM LIVING FOR THIS

"Damon narrowed his eyes at her.  "Was it ever really a choice?" he asked. "Between him and me?"

Elena bit her lip. "No."

L M F A O !!!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

ELENA IS RUTHLESS. damon is garbage that got trashed

She sighed then said softly, "You don't love me, Damon."

He glared at her. "Don't try to make yourself feel better."

"That's not what I'm doing." She made a soft exasperated noise. "Look at what you were about to do to one of my oldest friends. I chose to save his life and you were about to take it, you were about to spit in the face of my choice. You..." she shrugged. "You don't consider anything I want, you don't take my feelings into account, you just do whatever you want because you need me to be alive for you."  Elena spoke calmly and simply, as if she were explaining something to a child, which only seemed to inflame Damon. "And I - I get it but ... that ..." She shook her head. "That isn't love, Damon, that's obsession. Like with Katherine."

"You loved her for over a century, Damon, you carried her for over a hundred years, and then you came to town and ripped it apart for her, and she didn't care." Elena watched as the pain of the memory flitted across his face. “What did you do with all of that? Where did it all go?"

YES TO ALL OF THIS!!! thats one of my biggest issues with show. damon moves on from katherine SO QUICKLY after a whole fucking century of obsession. so, just like that, hes over her? bitch please. its so dumb. to be fair though... it wouldnt be. itd actually be brilliant if the show didnt try to gaslight us into thinking that damon was genuinely over her and then madly in love with elena. cause he was neither of those things. he basically transplanted his obsession onto elena. which is why he doesnt respect her as a person. i dont think he ever even explains what he likes about her. damons feelings for elena would be a great commentary on toxic patterns in romantic relationships like obsession, idealization, etc. but the show doesnt address any of this in a meaningful way. love that youre doing it though!

YES TO ALL OF THIS!!! thats one of my biggest issues with show. damon moves on from katherine SO QUICKLY after a whole fucking century of obsession. so, just like that, hes over her? bitch please. its so dumb. to be fair though… it wouldnt be. itd actually be brilliant if the show didnt try to gaslight us into thinking that damon was genuinely over her and then madly in love with elena. cause he was neither of those things. he basically transplanted his obsession onto elena. which is why he doesnt respect her as a person. i dont think he ever even explains what he likes about her. damons feelings for elena would be a great commentary on toxic patterns in romantic relationships like obsession, idealization, etc. but the show doesnt address any of this in a meaningful way. love that youre doing it though!

Exactly this, though!

I had a post about it where I was like everything Damon likes about Elena is about what she can do for him

So I was like, I think it would be interesting if Elena kind of re-realizes this with the clarity of a life-changing event where she's just like ... it's not just that I don't love you, you don't love me.

[luverofralts]

Arkhelios University

“So what brings you by?” Adrian asked casually as Roman sat beside him. “I don’t really get visitors here.”

Roman frowned a little at just how casually Adrian spoke about his presumed death, but if anyone got to comment on being dead, he supposed Adrian had earned it.

“I don’t know,” Roman answered honestly. “I think I’m dead. I mean, I must be to be talking to you, but I don’t know how I got here. My mom was draining energy from me and Abe and then suddenly, I was stuck in the past and some kind of ward or sigil opened up and brought me here. Is there like a map or something that they give you here to know where you are? Why isn’t Abe here too? Is he still alive or is he not demon enough to end up here if he died?”

“I’m not sure,” Adrian replied honestly, leaning closer to his ex-husband. “I never got any informational pamphlets or anything when I got here. I’ve never even seen my parents or grandparents here, even though I assume they’re dead too.”

Roman nodded sadly and Adrian let out a weary sigh.

“Ah, that sucks. I mean, I figured as much, but that’s rough. I wanted the girls to know their grandparents and where they came from but now Grandma and Grandpa are just going to be portraits on the wall.”

“You know about the twins?” Roman asked curiously. “I mean, we knew that you were pregnant with twin girls, but you know that they survived?They were born after you...passed. If you haven’t seen your parents, how do you know they weren’t dead too?”

Adrian shot Roman a playful smile that would have melted Roman’s resistance and made him weak in the knees if he wasn’t dead.

“Well, I did say that I don’t often get visitors here,” Adrian laughed, his eyes sparkling with secret knowledge. “Honey, come say hi to Daddy.”

“What?”

Roman looked behind him, only to see his young daughter, Adrienne, standing on the sand behind him, looking sheepish. He immediately reached for her, trying to see where she’d been injured in order to be dead like her parents.

“Addy! Oh my god, what happened? How are you- I need to fix this! Tell me how to fix this!”

While Roman started hyperventilating, Adrian reached out to massage his shoulder in support.

“Hey, she’s fine. Our daughter is just fine,” he reassured Roman. “She comes to see me pretty regularly and you’ve never seen her die before. She’s got a gift. I always thought that Theo was going to be the child we would have to worry about when he became a teenager, but it turns out that his sister is just as trouble prone as he is.”

“You have no idea,” Roman muttered, still worriedly scanning his daughter for injury. “That kid is going to be the death of me someday.”

He paused, thinking about his choice of words.

“Oh, I guess not if I’m already dead.” He groaned, suddenly too aware of his mortality and his lack of planning. “Oh god, who’s going to raise the kids now that I’m dead and I assume Abe is too. Lucy? Elaine? My mother? There’s no one to stop my mother from kidnapping the kids and using some twisted blood magic on them. Or the sovereign! She probably has Theo and Luci now and is planning some kind of scheme with them. I can’t be dead, the kids need me too badly! How do I protect them from here?”

Instead of acknowledging Roman’s breakdown, Adrian shared a knowing look with his daughter.

“I can see that your dad hasn’t changed,” he joked, earning a smile from his daughter. “He spends too much time worrying about controlling all the variables of his future, only to realize that he can’t control them all. He’s already forgotten that you visit here often and return to the living plane just fine. You can pass on a message to anyone your dad needs to talk to.”

“And how is that exactly?” Roman demanded, still fighting against a rising panic attack. “I’m new to this whole being dead thing. Why is my toddler walking across planes of existence? That doesn’t seem safe. How am I supposed to raise a son who teleports wherever he wants to in the middle of the night and a daughter who apparently visits the dead on a whim? I mean, how was I supposed to, now  that I’m apparently dead too!”

“Yeah, it takes some getting used to,” Adrian remarked dryly, watching his daughter splash around in the waves at their feet. “Look, I’m sure that we can figure something out. Maybe Abe’s not dead. We can see if Adrienne can find him. To tell the truth, I just assumed that your grandmother was a fraud, but if our daughter’s talents truly come from your family, we shouldn’t underestimate her.”

“Oh, my grandmother was many things,” Roman sighed. “A fraud isn’t one of them. I don’t know how or why Addy has these gifts, Grandma always said I was mediocre at best at everything spiritual. Is this some kind of astral projection? An out of body experience for her?”

“How did this happen?” he asked, dreading the answer. “Why is a dead human this far in the Void? How did a toddler project herself here? Does the sovereign know about this?”

“This is my problem. Well, I guess it’s technically both of our problem. My intuition is never wrong about demons.”

The Grim Reaper grimaced at the scene before him. One dead man, one dying man and a living toddler projecting herself in a realm that none of them should be in. Gee's step-parent certainly made sure that his job was interesting

“She might,” Lukas replied honestly. “I have no idea of what she’s been scheming. This does seem rather dull for one of her schemes though, I’m tempted to attribute this to a lesser demon. The man’s mother maybe. I recently dealt with her.”

“Don’t tell me anymore,” Gee pleaded. He could feel the start of a headache coming on. “I need plausible deniability if Dad asks.”

“Well, you said that I was to prevent any unauthorized deaths when resolving this situation, and I’m trying my best. Look at your tablet for Mr. Bellamy. I don’t  know what yours says, but my records have him destined to live past this week. How much longer do you think he’s going to last this deep in the Void? I’d say another day, max. And the deceased husband? Murdered by exposure to the Void. Their two daughters? Exposed in utero. They barely survived and their father has been trapped here, completely isolated. He wasn’t properly processed and introduced to the afterlife, causing considerable suffering for him. Your father won’t be pleased to hear about this slip up.”

“Demons. It’s always the demons and their god damn god complexes,” Gee muttered to himself. “I’ve never had this problem with vampires or plantsims. Demons just love to make my life miserable. Well? What’s your scheme to fix this? I know you have at least one you’re dying to try.”

Lukas smiled and snapped their fingers, producing an ancient book that radiated powerful energy.

“I’m glad you asked. Mr. Bellamy’s body is still alive, waiting for the return of his soul. I send it back so his mind/body connection remains intact and he doesn’t die before his time. The daughter will keep coming back to the Void as long as her father is here, so we release him from this trap and that solves that problem.”

“And? I feel like you’re leading to something far more complicated than escorting two lost souls home. What’s your scheme now?”

“Making things right,” they replied, gesturing at the impressive book. “Duke Adrian Siew wasn’t supposed to die for decades, it’s right there in the log. Upon his wrongful death, he was trapped away from his loved ones in the Void, a place that nearly cost his children their lives and stripped one of them of their genetic abilities. This family has suffered for our failures and I intend to fix it.”

“Stripped them of what powers? What have you done?”

“I’m really not dead? You can save me? What about Abe?”

“Uh....”

Gee waved sheepishly at the pair of mortals now staring awkwardly at the supernatural pair. Lukas tried to look startled at the intrusion, but didn’t quite hide their satisfaction in time. This was a trap designed to tug at the heart strings of the Grim  Reaper. His father may not feel moved by the plight of a young family, but Gee was soft at heart. Reuniting broken families was a cause he firmly believed in.

“Oops, I guess we were too loud,” Lukas said coyly. “Though I suppose that it’s only fair that you know the truth about your own lives. None of you are supposed to be here. Duke Siew is supposed to be living, or at the very least in the proper afterlife. Mr. Bellamy should be at home, praising a certain deity for disassembling his mother piece by piece and both of your daughters should be happily embraced by the famous Bellamy family for their remarkable gifts.”

“I don’t understand, what’s wrong with my daughters?”

“My mother is what? What the hell does disassembled mean?”

Both Adrian and Roman stared in shock at the two deities, each unable to comprehend what was being said.

“Yes, I’d like an explanation about the disassembling too please,” Gee sighed, rubbing his temples. “You said no unauthorized-”

“She’s not dead,” Lukas scoffed, rolling their eyes. “She’s very much alive, just...in several places at once. The sky has a whole new constellation, so your mother will always be there watching over you. That’ll be about all she can do. Ever again.”

“As for your daughters, they weren’t supposed to be exposed to the Void. Their demonic heritage protected them somewhat, but look at her. She’s thriving between planes of existence, visiting places she has no business being. Someone had to have shielded her in utero from the worst of the Void. For one twin to be so gifted and the other so unremarkable, I have my suspicions about what caused that.”

“Luci!” Adrienne supplied, looking excited to be included in the conversation.

“Probably,” Lukas replied, ignoring the look their step son was giving them. “Well, anyway, I should probably send the people still supposed to be living back to the proper realm. Unless there’s any objections? I’ve never seen any paperwork filed on Duke Siew’s death and reviving his physical body is well within my ability. Gee?”

The Grim Reaper paused to consider his options. This entire mess was going to mean a lot of paperwork, but he couldn’t deny the warm feeling in his chest when he watched Adrian hold onto his daughter. He was a family sim; the decision had already been made the instant he learned it was a possibility.

“Take them home,” he ordered, beaming with satisfaction. “If Dad asks, I’ll defend it. Children need their fathers, something he would know if he’d bothered to be around for me. I don’t see any paperwork here that says they have to stick around here. They’re free to go home.”

Lukas waved their hand and the two young men and their daughter vanished from sight, presumably reappearing in their home country unharmed. They would need to follow up on how the young family was doing in the coming days, but Lukas felt confident that with both Life and Death’s approval, none of the demons would be bold enough to challenge the decision.

“For the record, I did lead the Bellamy boy here myself,” Lukas confessed to their stepson. Gee didn’t look surprised to hear this information.

“I figured as much. Maybe next time, give me a little warning before you rush to sweeping judgements, okay? I’m not thrilled to hear that people are slipping through the cracks of the system, but I can’t interfere in every demon screw-up. We should be making the sovereign clean up her people’s messes and if she won’t, we need to find a candidate who will.”

“Oh, trust me, I have some thoughts about that.” 

[theendofuno]

okay….haii tl;dr: i want to throw myself from a reactor nuclear and besides loving this page dearly keeping it daily isnt helping me with these kinda of thought so ill start a god-knows-who-long hiatus

now *puts a music box version of meltdown by iroha for dramatic purposes* *cleans throat* pretending im talking to an audience its easier for me okay dont judge me :(

i dont know how to write texts but ill try my best to explain everything without going into too much annoying stuff but the text may have a few suicide mentions here and there

okay

i created this page in a very dark period of my life that never went away, it actually worsened everyday. it was supposed just to be fun and games, "oh this character didnt got released this month, maybe drawing him everyday for a month until he gets here will be very funny!!!" *stares at 2 years*

as you can see, i didnt had ANY prepare to keep going for the long we did, but this is 100% not a complain

i really love this page, i really do love everyone i've met, i love having this project with my best friend, but i cant and wont lie: it made me VERY worse than i already was. it made me feel good, it made me feel loved, it made me feel human again, and at the same time it absolutely killed me

having to keep this consistence everyday, having to do good drawings, not allowing myself to do what it was better for my own health just because i didnt wanted to disappoint people with silly drawings when the first week was all cool drawings full colored with a bunch of details, references and etc

i really lost my count of how many times i had a terrible breakdown or even an attempt and my first thought was just "yeah that sucked. anyway i have to work so people will have some art tomorrow!"

and to be honest i dont think starting this page with my friend was…..that of a good idea. i know youre here just for their art. you dont need to lie i know theyre better than i am and you would prefer to see their art everyday other than mine. dont worry the feeling its mutual

but well theyre a slow artist and i wont be the one forcing them to draw everyday, i am the one that can do it and thats what i did for 300 days until now!

but that was something that kinda broke my feelings also cuz im very harsh on myself and keeping comparing their drawings to mine, not only the quality but also the different attention it all got (and sometimes it was almost a 20 likes difference so..sucks to be me ig) isnt doing good for my little damaged brain. its 100% not their fault tho and im not saying it is KJGDKFDK but if im going to be honest then i will

i dont know how to keep going the text tbh,, so,, my point is that im havent felt well since i started the page, and i love it with my whole heart, and these feelings have nothing to do with uno, grand chase itself, or the community (maybe a 2% fault go for annoying people from twitter /hj), im just being a little egoistic and doing this for myself or otherwise i can go completely insane and well. psych wards dont look funny :(

i really feel nasty, an HORRIBLE human being, absolute egoistic trash by abandoning the page, i feel SO FUCKING BAD for not drawing my son, by not updating here everyday and allowing people to see the silly stuff i do, but i guess i got to my breaking point where i just cant keep ignoring my suicide attempts by drawing and keeping my mouth shut (really, my last attempt was so scary i didnt fully recovered from)

yeahhhhhhh

i guess that was it

i pinky-promise i'll try my best to keep drawing and posting everytime i can, but it wont be daily, and it may not be weekly also, but i didnt gave up and i WONT gave up, this page is my absolute pride and joy and i cant just let it go away for a bad mental day. i still love and forever will love uno and drawing him, and i'll be forever happy for everyone i've met and helped me even without they knowing, just by liking or commenting on my stuff

i hope you guys can forgive me for abandoning stuff right now and i hope y'all dont forget me. i wont be mad if you forget me. i'll just be a little sad. maybe cry a little *stares at you like that ( ◕_◕)* but dont worry. its okay.

i'll be trying my best to get back posting daily at least around day 330, but dont put high hopes. please. dont expect much. bigs chances i'll be just dropping a stick man with a heart ahoge saying haiiiii and go back to posting silly ugly art

[skagheart]

vent incoming; triggering shit, lack of proper punctuation, you don't have to read this.

I fucking hate my life, i want to die, I've been having so so many suicidal thoughts and urges but I've never been able to cut because I'm not allowed privacy. I feel like I'm running out of time, my heart is in my throat every single second, i can never relax, i always feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown and I desperately need one but this one thought always fucks me up, "what if they know" and I would rather kill myself over living than let them know that I'm not okay. My mother, although decent at times, is manipulative, makes me feel like shit, fat shames me, shames me for not knowing something I never studied. I can never feel calm around my family. My biggest problem is my dad, I'm basically fatherless with a sperm donor. He's NEVER, NEVER at home; he's always out on the roads, hanging out with women that he's probably shagging, throwing the little money we have on fucking clothes and my mother ALWAYS fucking defends him by saying "oh he just works so hard for us that he isn't home usually" and I hate it because clearly, when he's not working, he's NEVER home and he doesn't even try to conceal the fact that he throws away the money we don't really have on fucking clothes while he hasn't bought his only daughter (i have an older brother) ANY clothes for the past 5+ years. I already have more than enough to deal with (my own ignored mental health, my issues, my grades, school etc) and to be a good friend, I always try to be there for everyone and make everyone happy but I've got to reach my breaking point sometime, have I not? I'm the therapist friend, I'm the mom friend, I'm the mature friend always; I ALWAYS help the people I call friends when they're sad but I never share my issues with anyone just because I think I'm a burden and for the past 4 years, I've bottled all my shit up and just swallowed my depression down to help the others. I'm so fucking tired of life, i wanna die, i seriously am on the verge of just doing it at this point. I have so many undiagnosed mental health issues which are CLEARLY present in me and when I try to communicate them, I'm always shut down and said to be a silly little kid because apparently, people under the age of 150 don't have problems.

Well, here's my whole ordeal: I've been abused, raped (i have a history with sa), manipulated and assaulted (domestic violence) all my life and I was raised religiously but I didn't agree with the religion I was raised in so I was an atheist for a long time and then I finally fucking found a religion that I agreed with and in which the gods and participants actually accepted me for who I was and now, everyone hates me because i fit into a ‘taboo’ religion. I'm demisexual, I find comfort in macabre and sin, I own my fucking sexuality, I like girls more than men, I use she/they pronouns and I'm a goth witch.” she sighs, “i'm a hopeless romantic and I have BPD, ADHD, insomnia, maladaptive daydreaming, psychosis, chronic depression, sociopathy and anxiety. I'm disgustingly selfless and I cut myself. I was neglected since I was a child. I'm a burntout gifted kid. My dad cheated on my mom and ever since I was 2 fucking years old, I had to endure all of their arguments and be their confidant all of the time when none of them supported me. I was expected to be perfect and always at the top of my class when it was always clear I'm more creative than academic. I was bullied all my school life and I had no fucking friends. I was too nice so everyone used me and I just went along because I cared for them and not for me. Because of all this, I am literally incapable of accepting healthy and nice connections. I'm not used to good physical touch, i always lean away from a hug and give them a nasty stare like "wtf are you doing" because I'm so ruined that i haven't ever received nice physical touch. I need extreme reassurance because I will always believe I am doing it wrong. Disgusting trust issues, I hear these fucking voices and shit which everyone believes to be an affect of the light, I'm undiagnosed when i clearly exhibit every symptom.

I hate this.

[blackdagger456]

Lets Talk about: RWBY Volume 9 Ep 1

Oh boy we are in for something this season and I don’t mean that in purely good terms.

Firstly lets get out what I liked about this episode, I did love that they’re not going for the whole ‘group gets separated and takes forever to find each other’ trope. With what i think is happening I don’t think it woulda worked in the long run, personally i’ve grown to slightly dislike the trope but that’s just me.

Then there was this line towards the end of the episode.

“If you thought we wouldn’t come for you you must have forgotten who raised me.”

Something that doesn’t get acknowledged enough in my opinion is how much Yang had to take care of Ruby once Summer died. Qrow was out doing Ozpin missions and missions in general and Tai was a depressed—and theorized— drunk who wasn’t looking after his kids. That left Yang to look after and care for a young Ruby Rose for a long time.

We don’t know exactly how long but it lead to her trying to seek out Raven to try and fix her family so she wouldn’t have to shoulder that burden anymore. Even after Qrow saved her Yang didn’t stop looking after Ruby in her own way—at that point, although i think the show doesn’t show it enough cause i want more, the two were sisters but also had a slight parental child situation going on in their own way.

Now for my favorite part of the episode.

I know they only have ten episodes this season ,which is the shortest season ever in RWBY, but I am REALLY hoping they do Rubys mental breakdown well. I saw hints of it last volume and after everything?

After losing again, the whole complicated thing with Ironwood, the reveal of what the hound was and what that might mean for her mother and now losing Penny AGAIN?

Losing Penny after doing literally everything they could to save her, succeeding in saving her and not being there for her final moments a SECOND time? Well—the way her voice sounded dead when she woke back up probably said everything.

I’ve said before that Ruby either needs to step back and let others take control or have a mental breakdown to further her character growth. With how things are looking they are definitely going with the latter and I hope they do it right since, from the opening, it looks like it’s going to be a heavy focus.

See how she gets further and further away from the group as they go through the areas we’re going to see in the show? And how when everyone else in the team looked bright and hopeful in their solo openings that go through their Volume changes she’s the only one with her back turned?

They are trying to hype up this aspect of the volume and i hope they do it well because once agin they only have ten episodes and most of this episode seemed...off.

Guess that’s a good segway to the negatives eh? Okay so it’s the first episode and I’m not going to lambast it because imma give it room to get better—but I can’t be the only one who noticed the VARIOUS off things in this episode right?

I don’t wanna talk about the opening so imma skip it but It felt like as soon as we shifted to Weiss and Blake the animation took a weird nosedive. There was that moment when they’re trying to get Gambol Shroud and it sounded like the VAs were being held at gunpoint.

It was adorable yes but felt off watching it a second time for analysis.

The animation in the mices were fucking—good lord I aint even gonna get into it but it’s the first episode and imma let it slide by the thinnest of hairs for now.

Another thing I didn’t like is—well i’m not sure if i’m right but that new girl is Neo right? The girl in shadow at the head of the group in the OP and at the end has to be Neo right? If so i feel like they should have saved how she looked like for her first appearance in the actual show. Also, if it turns out that’s not Neo but instead a reincarnation of Pennys soul or some shit i am going to lose my god damned mind.

[supernaturalkickparty]

7. What is your favorite scene you’ve written so far?

11. What scene are you most hyped for this chapter/fic?

7. Oh god i am horrible at choosing!!!! I think what comes to mind right now is something I wrote for a j2 au. Jared is a severe epileptic who has memory issues. Jensen was previously married but his husband passed away. This scene is after Jared has a bad seizure and in the hospital, he has no memory of Jensen or of the relationship they have. Jensen can't deal.

Jensen wasn't sure where to go, he just knew he needed to try to calm himself before he sent himself into a full blown breakdown. He drove aimlessly for a while before he realized he ended up at the cemetery.

He walked the same path that he had taken every single time he would go to his former husband's grave. He stared at the headstone, a mixture of anger and sadness washing over him.

"Am I being punished? Is that what this is? I finally feel ok to move on, I feel it's time to move on, and I start dating Jared. I love him so damn much. I stopped wearing my wedding band, I'm changing my name back to Ackles and this shit happens?!" Jensen was in full blown tears at this point. "I hate you, I fucking hate you for leaving me, I hate you for all the false hope of "prayer works" and for what? You still died!"

Jensen sat on the grass, his body shaking as he sobbed. He wished things could be back to normal. His new normal, his life with Jared.

"I prayed for things to be ok with Jared, like a fucking idiot I believed since you always did, and he's alive. I'm beyond grateful. He's walking around, but I'm a total stranger to him all over again and it's too much for him. It's too much for me because all I want to do is hold him and tell him how much I love him and how glad I am that he woke up because I was terrified he would never wake up." Jensen ran a hand across his face. He wondered what Jared was doing right now, he just left him back at their apartment and he should have stayed and talked.

"I love him...more than I loved you. It feels like I love him more than I loved you and it scares me. It scares me because what if I lose him next time." Jensen scoffed. "I probably lost him now but at least I know he's alive. If he were to have another seizure and it was so bad that I lost him...I don't think I could handle burying him after burying you."

Jensen stood up slowly, dusting himself off from the grass and dirt that covered his jeans. He had to get home and just hope that Jared would allow him to talk. Hope that Jared will allow him to be near him.

11. The scene I'm hyped for is the big reveal. I'm working on 3 fics but currently trying to focus on my dad!dean au. The reveal being that everyone but Sam knows that Dean's his dad. It's an au, like first chapter off the bat sets it all up for Sam to go his whole life and not know until a certain moment that has me chewing glass. So you're already thrown into the world where Dean's raising him but he doesn't know.

Currently on chapter 3 and I'm not sure how long it'll be. But I'm having fun with it.

[justmeinadaze]

https://www.tumblr.com/justmeinadaze/721864452608311296/i-thought-the-fic-about-demon-eddie-steve-was?source=share

Like I thought steve & Eddie where dating.... And the whole comparing the reader to Chrissy just makes me think he doesn't even like the reader he just likes the way the reader is so much like Chrissy which is kinda sad cause I thought Eddie and Steve where together the whole time

Not in this story, my love. Part 2 is actually the first time I've alluded to them having being intimate at all which I will expand on more in other chapters.

Now for your second question I am going to choose my words carefully and speak from experience. On ward to below the "Keep Reading" line!!

You don't have to answer because again Im speaking from my own experience but have you ever lost someone suddenly like that? Someone you loved that you literally just spoke to and then they were gone the next day?

In my story, Eddie loved Chrissy a lot. Again she saw through the image he displayed and loved him for him. For Eddie, she's the only person that saw him for who he was so then to have her not only permanently taken from him but the fact that there was nothing he could do to save her or bring her back? It stayed with him.

When he meets the reader, she has a lot of her qualities which triggers something in him. He spent YEARS after her death thinking no one would ever love him the way she did. She probably knew things about him that even Steve didn't. So the fact that someone like that is in front of him again not only excites him but scares him.

Of course, one reason being this arrangement isn't permanent. After 3 weeks or 3 murders they're supposed to disappear until the next person summons them and again there's nothing he can do about it. Two, he feels guilty. I mean he loved Chrissy...he can't love someone else? But he can...thats why her dad said what he said.

I genuinely believe if she was exactly like Chrissy he would be meaner to her. He doesn't want another Chrissy. The princess was special to him for a reason.

When my person passed, I always felt so guilty when I met someone or did something that made me happy the way he did to the point where I was a very snippy angry human who became severely depressed. The first time I met someone that reminded me of him I kept bringing him up because it had been so long since I talked about him or felt this way.

"We used to do this together." Or "He would say that all the time!"

For a long time, it added to the guilt because I felt kinda like what you were describing. "Oh my god they probably think Im only around them because they remind of him." I would apologize constantly like "I swear no I like you for you."

Someone had to sit me down and be like "Kathryn! Its ok. It's ok to feel what you're feeling."

Once I felt like I could be more open, I didn't feel the need to keep bringing up things like that constantly. I didn't feel like...he was going to be forgotten and I was replacing him if I stopped talking about him.

So yeah...that's how I write for Eddie's grief. Honestly, this is the only chapter you're going to get the bulk of that breakdown of his history lol I wanted her to get to know more about them and how they came to be here. Like Steve says Eddie is the big bulk of the reason he is where he is so both stories connect.

I hope what I've said here doesn't cause offense. Again, its from my point of view and I wanted to answer you honestly. I genuinely didn't think this chapter could be perceived in such away so it helps me to hear you but yeah.

You have to remember. Its chapters online. Not a whole book. I can't flush out a whole arc with smut in like 4 chapters lol Obviously if you read the above lol

[jovialjuggernaut-draws]

I posted 741 times in 2022

493 posts created (67%)

248 posts reblogged (33%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@jovialjuggernaut-draws

@drones-art

@the-alice-of-hearts

@jovialjuggernaut

@forevercloudnine

I tagged 507 of my posts in 2022

Only 32% of my posts had no tags

#riddlebat - 224 posts

#batriddler - 200 posts

#riddler - 189 posts

#batman - 142 posts

#bruce wayne - 110 posts

#edward nygma - 94 posts

#the riddler - 93 posts

#edward nashton - 78 posts

#the batman (2022) - 55 posts

#edward nigma - 50 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#also im in a discord w lfwrites and. she said this was also sent to her so like. not really inclined to respond to a prompt sent en masse

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Literally ran to ur blog as soon as I could pick my brain back off the theater floor to post comprehensibly what r ur thoughts I am so AAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAA

oh my god no thoughts im screaming

holy shit

1) eddie was SO horny. the whole time. he kept up a boner in every fucking scene. that man was the horniest hes ever been. i think he came in his pants when he got cuffed. AND THEN STARED BRUCE IN THE EYE AFTER sticky pants and theres his fucking Beloved watching him hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2) the arkham breakdown.......... he fully believed bruce would fall in love with him then and there........... this really was the same eddie as batman forever he had the same exact pair of glasses and he was just as convinced one conversation would drop that man to one knee ring in hand

hed practiced that speech so many times but never saw past his heart eyes BRUCE you could have done something there!!! YES hes unhinged but now hes unhinged AND has your voice replaying eternally in his head digging at him hhhhhhhhhh god i love bruce making these men worse

3) Batmobile.... Sexy.

4) Bat boots...... Sexy.

5) Selina owns no good wigs and thats so funny. shes wearing the 5 dollarest wigs she could find

6) bruce punching gordo. bruce and gordo besties. this was a buddy cop comedy.

7) bruces shirtless scene being his fucking conspiracy board scene.................... if eddie had seen THAT fucking CHRIST heda been all over him like jam on bread i tell u hwat

tangentially bruce and eddie the same man. stalkers. creeps. standing there silently. watching waiting etc. love when theyre similar makes me fuzzy inside

the fact that bruce just instantly guesses the right thing to find the next clue so many times he and eddie think EXACTLY the same way theyre on SUCH a wavelength!!! the same fucking wavelength!!!!

anyway my brains fucking scattered and i need time to process and im so fucking hhhhhhhhhhgghh

i gotta write i gotta draw i gotta cosplay eddie in his lil arkham outfit w his shitty collar i need to learn to sing ave maria i love that man with my whole heart and soul i cant believe i wasnt kicked out of the theater i got so many compliments on my eddie jacket

296 notes - Posted March 5, 2022

#4

WHO ELSE LOSING THEIR MINDS TONIGHT

328 notes - Posted October 12, 2022

#3

himmmmmmmmmm

397 notes - Posted March 6, 2022

#2

today.... i am thinking about....

bruce taking the rats from eddies apartment home bc theres no one to take care of them w eddie in arkham and he looks up absolute mountains of rat care info and gets them an absolutely MASSIVE enclosure, fucking floor to ceiling, 5-6 levels, different stairs and platforms etc to get to each level, different chew toys on every level, and theyre fat and happy and he sometimes w take one out to sit on his shoulder and nibble at his hair when he needs a Rubber Duck for a case

and maybe also he goes to visit eddie in arkham once in a while and updates him abt how the rats r doing and its just that little connection between them like hes given the rats a better life as a proxy for edward and

anyway. bruces new pet rats.

601 notes - Posted March 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I find your power to rewrite history (create random bondage edits that get so high on google images that multiple people believe the Riddler just regularly wears rope under his clothes) to be awe-inspiring, and everyone should follow you if only to hear the next words of a prophet. What is the new fanon, wise one?

bruce wayne trans

835 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[weirdlyfitting]

Hmmm long time no ramble abt myself so here i am lmaooo

I've been keeping these thoughts and problem to myself and it has affected my mental health tbh, just ignore this if y'all don't want to read some negativity cause this had a lot of it :(

So what happened???

Long story short i enjoy video essays so much (especially for mcu) but because they've been too critical these days that the contents made me uncomfortable in so many ways

I love, LOVEEE video essays cause not only i learn something from a writing standpoint it's also about my favorite thing, it's like listening to a friend's story while i'm doing something or nothing, well mostly i did it when drawing tho

IF i watched these kinds of contents again again and againnnn, it's not enjoyable and i feel like it's too much. Kinda ironic considering one of the critics for phase 4 included having too many projects and simply being too much.

There are some points that i def agree on tho, but seriously when could these people talk about the good stuff that came out of phase 4? As in stuff like these

AND ESPECIALLY THIS

Back then i watched the wandavision analysis video after i started to watch (well obvi) wandavision and it grew on me because as the show went on he kept uploading the analysis of each new episodes up to the finale :D

It's incredibly shocking for me to learn that trauma played a really important role on the whole story, pretty much the same with real life tho so it's (again shockingly for me) relatable

Some times later then i find this video i'm beyond sad, and i think i had a breakdown??? Idk my memory's a mess but yea it affected me til this day

I hated the way she's handled in multiverse of madness like she's just having a solo story on her journey of 5 stages of grief and holy fuck she's a villain now??? But pre multiverse of madness she is a great hero to me

I feel like this guy didn't understand or acknowledge what psychosis is (NOT psychopath) when making the video tho (when talking abt pre mom wanda)

I've ever had a psychotic break and i relate to wanda a little by little as the episode went on, it's maddening because i couldn't control any of what i see, hear, or feel. God I just wish more people are kinder on mental health subject :(

I'm not a psychopath, i'm not a narcissist. I'm in need of serious help and by watching positive essays about my comfort characters, movies, or shows helped me understanding the why and what caused it (yes therapy is expensive). I needed comfort and i'd never do harm to others to get that comfort, the psychotic breakdown only happened to me and i've seen shits that i don't want to see anymore. It's a lot :(

Anyway back to it, i've rarely seen anyone who made a video essay talking and explaining about the good stuff that came from phase 4. As in like "the whole phase" yknow?

I mean this phase isn't perfect, maybe far from it tho, there were up and downs yes they exists, too many projects that made mcu feels like a homework and not an event.

But this phase was also one of the only thing that were there for me in dark times, reminder that in 2021 the pandemic still exist and i wasn't able to learn fully at school and all those stuff

Let's say i was still isolated from outside life, really is an introverted person and all i had was internet and comfy bedroom, not to mention my psychotic breakdown happened too for sometimes

When no way home came i feel like it's a movie made for me cause i was kinda in peter's place. I was too struggling to find a university, i didn't know where to go and watching this movie made me feel safe and keeping me to keep going to search on my uni

Then oh my god where do i even begin : moon knight

this show changes lives and i'm one of those life who's changed jagsjsgshsgs, i was in my darkest and i mean it, DARKEST mental state i've ever been on. But this show kept me going, this show was there for me, greeting itself as a friend then it grew on me as time changes. I'm forever grateful to watch this show when it's still aired from the first ep 🥺

I met a uni friend who loved moon knight and overall mcu and oscar too, plus the moots in here aaaa it's just so memorable!

So yeah, phase 4 may be messy and all but it's a good mess for me. I simply would not care anymore if i recieve negative essay reccommendations on my youtube, i'd only watch them when i feel like i want to

With now in phase 5 tho, i'm hoping the flaws from phase 4 can improove. I feel like quantumania is def an okay start for phase 5

there's always a room to grow