#hard to motivate myself with nobody to practice with and no interest in living in finland

[lago-morpha]

what happened to all the shit you can buy in the duolingo store

this is all I can buy now... I have over 4k gems but sure I'll double 50. why not.

[toerrishumansodontbeone]

.

Everywhere else seems too shameful to share(though I did anyway) & elaborate on, because those places are full of legitimate knowledgeable pros/artists, but uhhhh,

so I think I want to become a tattoo artist?

But seeing as I am the person that I am, living in the place that I am, knowing the language as badly as I do and having the anxiety that I do that makes it appear even more basic, I don't think I really can go the traditional route of studio apprenticeships.

And the loud majority of studio tattooers will of course tell you to never ever how even dare you try to do ANY tattooing on your own!!!! To the point of actively discouraging even buying a machine at all, even just for practice skins. Just draw a lot and go spend 1-3 years in an unpaid grueling apprenticeship where maybe they'll let u do something in a year or so uwu (tho there are also ppl fighting the gatekeeping) ( n some apprentices Ive seen whove started doing serious practice within a few months)

But yea so,,, thats why tbh it feels embarrassing to even mention me wanting to, even though on the other hand thats also.... the way to put any sort of attention on you, to garner interest from prospective mentors and amass future clients....... but also god its nerve wrecking thinking some local pro is looking at my stuff with disdain and mockery.

It just sucks how much language is a barrier for me. I'm not confident enough to just barge in talking in english even if they prob know the language fine enough.

Ontop of that its kinda sad I had all this sustained motivation for several days in a row but then I made the mistake of posting some little designs online. Because I was excited about it I of course expected excitement back. A response! A showering of praise and acceptance!

But the need for social validation is a poisonous pit and it never gives back quite what you give it. I knew it would not give me the validation and would ruin things and make me doubt myself and still I was hopeful and wanted it to be different and maybe a little bit more like the old times,,,

Its so hard to keep up my own confidence, as essential as it is to human psychology. I cant even create those little wins to sustain any real growth in myself. I just keep regressing and becoming worse. Im a hermit but one that doesnt even have any real community to turn to even online..........ughhhhhhh.

This is a very unstructured ramble, but its felt so fruitless having all these thoughts clogging my brain and nobody to talk to about them.

I dont know. Now I suddenly got back into writing and making more significant progress on my story/possibly novella.

and inbetween I thought more and more of how tattoo artist is the antithesis of me. I cannot pull my own clients, I cannot talk to people and make them want to keep coming back for my company, I could not do the receptionist duties for an apprenticeship, I do not even have an appropriate space to tattoo if it ever came to that AND renting even v small offices is stupid expensive at first glance. So I could not start doing that without already having a steady stream of clients.

Tattooing feels like a level of responsibility I could handle, it feels like it would be an interesting new craft to explore, w techniques to master, a different kind of self expression........ but thats all idyllic theory. No career path really fits me and it comes back down again to me being so unable to change my social ineptitude. Its such a waste how I had some modicum of comfort and progress in that sphere my last few years in Latvia,, and it fell apart just because it was so unsustainable financially......... N now that Ive been comfortably settled for a while in austria, just being financially stable and comfortable isnt enough...

Insanely Ive been wondering if the economy has evened out some in LV that I could come back.......but theres no way I would even physically *survive* through some unpaid apprenticeship there.....

[crashtestdummy1003]

This is a shit ton of venting, pls scroll past (literally just need to yell this into the void)

I'm not afraid of meeting people. That was never an issue.

I'm afraid of them meeting me. I'm afraid they'll start to know things about me, my interests, my hobbies. And I'm afraid it won't be good enough. What if they just pretend to be okay with me?

I know I'm kind of annoying. And a little cringey. But thats fine, I've embraced the cringe and annoying parts of myself. But when I have to tell someone about something I really, genuinely care about, I always play it down. They can't know that I'm super invested in it because then they'll be able to ruin it for me.

I'm thinking about making a fursuit? No, I'm just a fan of the creativity.

I want to make animation my career someday? No, its just a hobby.

I have comfort characters that literally mean everything to me? No, I just like their designs.

Its worse with feelings. None of my friends know how much I don't tell them. Because if I do ill be that one person in the chat that brings the mood down, ill be the person that makes everything about them. The one that takes everything to heart.

I am so afraid of being myself that I genuinely don't know where the persona my friends see ends, and where the real me begins. I'm kind of terrified that maybe, I'm doing all of this for nothing. These things might not even matter to me on the future.

Even something stupid, (like my posts that are kind of down bad about fictional men, heh) whenever I share it with my friends I immedeitly regret it. I know when they say "Crash, nooo..." they're just joking, but hearing any kind of negative feedback makes my heart feel like somebody is squeezing it until it bursts.

I haven't had anything postive said towards me in a while. I don't want to fish for compliments from my friends, but id like them to notice things about me. My outfit, or my makeup, or even my fucking work. I try so hard with my schoolwork, with my hobbies, things that nobody even notices because I feel like if I go harder, if I do the best I can and outdo everyone else, then somebody will finally notice me. Somebody will say, "Hey, Crash, good job! You did well with that specific thing!"

Figure skating, swim team, drawing, academics, cleaning, work, I just want to be good at SOMETHING. But I feel the harder I try the more I get looked over. Now people only notice when I slip up, but when will they notice me working myself to death to try and stay at the top?

I want to cry, but if I cry then its not going to help anything, is it? I just want to go home, but I really don't know where that is. I am home right now, but I can't even feel safe with my feelings here. I live with people that make it impossible to feel anything without guilt seeping in.

I don't think im okay

And I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm not even an adult yet, but I'm almost there. I'm so scared.

I want something, but I don't know what it is.

I want to cosplay, go to furry conventions and wear a fursuit!! I want to post my art and have it be seen!! I want to be HAPPY with myself for fucking once. I want to be able to take criticism without CRYING. I want to not feel guilty when I take space from my friends. I want my friends to treat me the way I can never ask them to.

I want more friends. I only have like 3 that would consider me friends back. Everyone else is too cool, too nice, too functional. Trying to talk to them is overwhelming. I WANT to, but if I say anything its never good enough. They don't say it, but I can feel it. And it hurts. I'm not good enough for them.

I want to be normal, I want to be nuerotypical and not be hylerfixated on FNAF and Mario and my own ocs.

I want to be able to clean my room and keep it that way, to be motivated.

I want to practice my craft and learn about myself as a pagan.

I want my parents to show me they love me

They say it, but i don't ever see them show it.

I want a hug.

I want to go home. I want somewhere to call home. My house is my home, but sometimes I don't feel safe. Its not abusive, my parents and siblings never hit me, its not abusive. But I don't feel like I can have my own emotions. I feel guilty. Everyone else is going through something, I'm just getting through highschool.

I'm so scared. I don't think im okay. And I don't know how to fix it. Can I fix it? Am i stuck? Im terrified that im going to feel lile this forever.

Im not suicidal and ive never hurt myself, but id do anything to make this stop. I want to stop existing for a bit. Not die, im scared of dying, but i just.. want to observe. Not feel anything. But i feel SO MUCH and i want it OUT of me. I just want it out and gone. I feel like im full of some kind of liquid, like im going to overflow. Heavy. My mouth is full of sand and my eyes and holding back gallons of emotions. My body is restless but i csnt get evough sleep for it.

I dont wsnt to say i hate myself. But i dont know how else to phrase it.

I dont know how to end this. I doubt anyone's read this far besides myself. Im not posting this for pity, or fame or whatever the fuck. I just CANNOT hold this in anymore. I really cant. Only one person whos ever known me irl follows me here, and he probably wont read this far. He probably wont read this at all, which is fine. Thats why the dni tag is here. I just want this post to drift through time, forever. I'll come back to it eventually, maybe

Or maybe ill delete it.

I feel a little better. Not much in the grande scheme of things, but i feel good enough to sleep, or at least rest without crying.

Goodnight, I guess. Im tired.

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Hiii i saw your matchups/cakes and I LOVE THEM. English is not my first language so i am sorry for any wrong spelings and grammar use lol. Can a Get a boy from Hq?????? I am a capricorn, with a lot of fire sign in my chart. ISTP. Tall girl, 175cm. Dark blond hair to under my shoulders, blue eyes. Lean bulid, but mby a little broad shoulders and waist. Enything else is normal ig. I indeed have cheek bones and jawline, a caps face traits a think. Stretch marked on my ass and things. Im just gonna keep my personality short cuz i dont know how to talk about myself. Im Shy and intro and first, then i will open up and become a messy and late-coming person. Im never on time to anything. Once you know me and logical thinking, feisty, dark humor type of funny, sly, stubborn, determind, strong minded, oberetiv and a daredevil. I will do enything for somthing in return. Nobody can hold me back. I am also a Clumsy person, a will let a word og two slip and offend somone, will break or forget somthing. Im always there my friends, help them out with everthing and my door is always open for them. Street smart all the way, i Can talk about enything and give tips and trix on enything. Im not the Life of the party, in a party im either outside or taking care of Ppl or i am sipping for other ppls drinks. I listen to pop/rock but i Can vibe to anything. I also love pasta. And cats, but im allergic): I overthink a lot, tend to bottle up on my emotions and then just let it burst when im alone. I got bullied as a kid, thats why i keep to myself and have Some close friends and then friends i dont trust that much. I like long lasting realtionships and friendships. I wont settle for somthing that i dont belive will work. I just want to feel safe and loved and held, lol. Am i rly ugly cryer btw so i wont look into another persons eyes. I train a lot, do sport shooting, wresle a lot with my friends and dad in a safe way ofc. I love to have a friendly and funny wtesle. I lough a lot. I said i do sport shooting, and i hate it when ppl take it the wrong way and starts to compare it to illegal activity. That my biggest pet peeve, and loud chewers. I LOVE CHEES AND CARD GAMES. Also late night means and snacks. My favorite time is like late at night, after sundown. Late night walks. Laser tag or paint ball is a must, Water and pillow fights AGH my dreams. Also, just to chill in a bathtub👌🏻✨Pfffff Idk what more. I would like a boy form Haikyuu, whos taller than me. Would be up to my randome and mby dangerous ideas, but also calm and relaxing when it fits the mood. Dosent need to know how to comfort a crying person, just like do the basics and ill be fine. THANK YOU SO MUCH😘

@sussebassen

Romantic Matchup

Tendou Satori

How Y’all Met

Ahhhh

Y’all had a class together

And EVERY SINGLE DAY you would show up late

Every. Single. Day

It doesn’t matter if you we’re 5 minutes late, or 15 minutes late

You never showed up on time

This peeked Tendous interest...

So, he asked you about it

You then explained how you never try to be late, it just always happened

Then one day

Satori was walking to class

The bell was going to ring soon so he was trying to hurry

Then he saw you

You were also just trying to get to class ON TIME for once

But you tripped...

And you fell...

And ALL of your papers went everywhere 🥲

You silently cursed to yourself before rushing to pick up your things

And you we’re startled when a certain redhead began to help you

You guys had gathered all of your things before RUNNING to get to class

And you guys were still able to make it on time 😃

The teacher made a remark that maybe you should hang around Tendou more often if it gets you to class on time

Little did he know that you would do just that

Apparently you both had similar interests

So you guys became really good friends

And feeling began to bloom over time

Poor bb was to scared to confess to you tho :(

He didn’t want to scare off one of the only friends he had

Of course he told all of this to Ushijima

And of course Ushijimas LOUD MOUTH

spilled the beans

Unintentionally of course

But still

He just didn’t get the gist that all of this was supposed to be a secret

So one day when he and Tendou were walking together

They saw you

And Ushijima was just like “ah your that person that Tendou likes correct?”

You:😳

Him:🙂

Tendou: 🥲

Tendou then took you aside and properly confessed his feelings

He was 100% sure you were gonna reject him

“I like you too Tendou”

I’m sorry what????

He was SHOCKED

Baffled

Beguiled

But SUPER DUPER HAPPY

he pulled you in for a bone crushing hug

And promised to be the best bf ever

Awww my boy luvs ya

What They Love About You

Ight I’m just gonna say it...

Mans ADORES your stretch marks

He thinks they’re so cool!!!

He often compares you to a tiger because of them

Oof

He LOVES your sense of humor

He also has a darker sense of humor

So you guys mesh very well when it comes to that

Loves that you have the combo of being sly and a daredevil

If there’s one thing satori loves...

It’s pranks

So those traits of yours make pranks so much easier to pull off 😩

He loves how he can talk to you about ANYTHING

He knows that if he’s ever distressed about something he can go to you

So he’s vv grateful for that 🙏

Favorite Things To Do Together

Oh he LOVES to play card games

His favorites is slap Jack

WARNING: he gets REALLY into that game

So he hits HARD

So be prepared...

He 100% swoops you away to stores in the middle of the night

Have you guys been caught sneaking out?

Yes

Was that the last time you did it?

Absolutely not

LASER TAGGGGGG

YOU WILL GET DESTROYED

MANS IS THE KING OF LASER TAG

So just take that L

Also paintball

He’s not that good at paintball

Mans aim is booty

But he still likes to play!

Random Hc

You’d actually be quite shocked on how chill he could be

Like sometimes he just reads his manga sin silence

If you want to talk then sure

But those are the moments he prefers to be quiet

The reason he’s so good at laser tag...

Is because kids used to target him 🥲

So he had to adapt...

And now he’s a pro!

If you ever want to talk to him about your bullyed past

ON GOD mans is always there for you

He knows what it feels like

So his goal is to comfort you when it comes to that

Honestly

Mf chews loud...

So that’s something you’d have to work on 😃

But he’ll try his best to stop if it bothers you THAT much

Astrology

Capricorn + Taurus

When Taurus and Capricorn come together in a love match, it’s a practical, sensible partnership.

These two Signs share a certain down-to-earth logic and interest in efficiency.

Taurus is not interested in risking more than is necessary in terms of emotional connection and involvement, and Capricorn is similarly disinterested in risk, but more in terms of money and career.

Capricorn’s career is one of the great focuses of their lives; they’re interested in scaling the heights and tend to set very high standards for themselves to adhere to.

Taurus has high standards as well, but regarding love, relationships and possessions.

These two signs admire ones dedication and strength, but, while they have this in common as well as a dependable, realistic, somewhat conservative approach to life (Capricorn more than Taurus), a love relationship between them can go stale fast.

The problem? They’re actually rather different at their cores.

Taurus may begin to find Capricorn too conservative and restrictive

Capricorn may start to think Taurus is too lazy and doesn’t care enough about career and status.

If Taurus can encourage Capricorn to relax a little and appreciate the fruits of labor, and if Capricorn can help motivate Taurus to achieve goals and make dreams a reality, their union can be smooth, happy and long-lasting.

Overall Aesthetic

Chaotic Teenage Romance

Songs

Electric Love- BØRNS

Line Without a Hook- Ricky Montgomery

Scrawny- Wallows

Hey Lover- Wabie

[chubbydino]

Fun fact I think like many others I didn’t want to read fool’s gold because it was really intimidating, cheating is eek to me, and obviously the endgame pairings are mystery and I just didn’t want to deal with that…. but then I procrastinated on my exam (everytime George mentioned his love of math I cringed a little inside) and because everyone keeps talking about it I’m like yeah why not

Now I’ve just had to walk around my house muttering to myself “oh my God” because of this quote and you’ve had incredible quotes but this one really shocked me

“And it means less and less every time I say it.”

“Good,” Max said. “Now you know why he says it to you so much.”

I’m really curious how you’re keeping track of everyone’s motivations like do you have a spreadsheet? it is all just in your giant brain? how are you doing it!!!

I am also a sebchal rat and I love mick with all my heart so I am pretty biased when I say “look at my baby going off to conquer the fia and ruin everyone’s lives😍😍😍” I also routinely practice my mental gymnastics as to how sebchal nation can still win this

I love mick but everything is so messy and nobody can be trusted and now I really do understand when people say they ship everyone/therapy because it’s like seeing gossip tabloids on steroids, your fic is so so so incredible!!! I just sit here amazed at how you’ve juggled all the personalities and perspectives

omg thank you for sharing! i'm always interested to see how people have been convinced to read this crazy thing. especially since it's a pretty much 200k WIP 😅

i definitely don't keep it in my brain - i take notes every race and kind of hold onto story threads. but the reason the story works is because i shape the plot based on "feel" more than specific actions. i know what things i want to happen, but sometimes they don't happen when i originally planned. or a completely new plot idea pops up as i write and those end up being some of the best plot points that feed into the main story (lando's press conference in chp 12-13 for example).

i don't worry too much about making up plot things, I just decide that "something good/bad has to happen to ____ here that's small/big" and then as i write they boys kind of take over lol it's hard to explain.

we have SO many races left. i'm more or less plotted up to present day but god there's still so much. i have my endgames, but there are planed relationships that haven't even started yet (not necessarily romantic) so never lose hope LOLOL.

thanks for reading and for sharing with me!!

[maxwell-grant]

You are your top 5 Shadow agents

I don’t talk about the Agents as much as I should, even though I constantly try to stress their importance, because I’m working on essays for them individually. To be honest, I think about the Agents practically every day to the point I have a hard time separating my headcanons from the actual canon material, but I have to stay true to it, and the lack of material regarding them means that the only way I can truly talk about their characterization is by diving deep into the novels and taking notes, which I don’t have much time to do, and then finding the right books or moments to talk about, which is even more difficult. 

This by no means constitutes my big thinkpiece on them, but it’s a start, and ultimately narrowing it down was a lot harder than I expected. This order is by no means final, if you asked me this question next week or next month I’d probably have a different answer, but it’s the 5 that I find myself thinking on the most. 

Honorable mentions: Jericho Druke and Myra Reldon, who are incredibly awesome characters conceptually and who have great moments each, and whom I definitely think deserve big turns on the spotlight if the Agents ever get put on the spotlight again, but are held back by issues with their presentation and lack of prominence. Margo Lane, whom only just narrowly missed the cut because, as much as I like her and think she gets an underseved bad rep and definitely has great things going for her, I sadly have to concede isn’t as consistently great or well-written as she should be. Clyde Burke, whom I definitely like a lot based on what I’ve read and consider an integral part of the line-up, but haven’t read enough of the novels he’s in to really solidify him as one of my favorites just yet. And Slade Farrow, who is a bit too complicated to talk about superficially.

Allright, so here they are

Number 5: Burbank

As the center of all communications within The Shadow’s network and the only character in the series who is even more mysterious and elusive than The Shadow himself, Burbank is fascinating and the kind of character who simultaneously seems to be both begging for an in-depth exploration and yet who also should be dead last on the list of mysteries about the series we want spoiled, because nobody wants the mystery ruined. He’s a bit of cipher personality-wise compared to the other agents, but he kind of has to be, and I think it helps to illustrate the many forms the agents of The Shadow can and should take, that one of them is this total mystery whom we know nothing about and yet is so vital to the whole thing. And it’s interesting also because, for all the many variations we’ve had on The Shadow’s life and thoughts and feelings and etc over the years, Burbank has stayed more or less the same. Whatever variations he’s had in design aside, Burbank just is. 

The pulps did often have moments where we would get to see moments that told us a little more about Burbank, gestures he did, capabilities he had and didn’t have, little details Gibson would sprinkle in to keep people fascinated. Several scenes with Burbank are almost presented like you’re watching a movie, in the way Gibson keeps describing his face being mysteriously blocked from view by objects or lighting, like not even in your mind you are supposed to know what he is. And it’s all the more fascinating because, unlike The Shadow, as far as we know, Burbank is just some guy who’s good with tech, who was only recruited in the 2nd story but apparently knows The Shadow from before it, and whom The Shadow entrusted with virtually every secret necessary to keep his operations running. 

It’s kind of a sign as to how utterly neglected the agents are that, to this day, few writers who’ve ever touched The Shadow has ever come close to giving us any sort of explanation or backstory or anything on Burbank, and I refuse to believe these people had that much self-control. Of course I have my own ideas for Burbank, but even I would hesitate to put them on a story, because Burbank epitomizes that double-edged sword that comes with a solid narrative mystery. Burbank just is, and hopefully he will stay that way. 

Number 4: Dr Roy Tam

Mention of Dr. Tam meant much to Sayre. He was acquainted with Roy Tam, the Chinese physician. He knew that Tam was a power in Chinatown; one who worked for good

Unrolling a map, Tam showed the entire Manhattan area, studded with tiny dots in districts quite remote from Chinatown.

"These represent my outposts," he said soberly. "They are places, owned by Chinese - restaurants, laundries, curio shops, other places of business. In each of these places, I have a friend."

The Shadow understood. Dr. Tam was the motivating factor among the Chinese who adapted themselves to American ways. His mission was to create good will among races, to put an end to prejudice and superstition.

A newer and more sober spirit had replaced the old and dangerous festivities. Feuds in Chinatown were a thing of the forgotten past. Dr. Tam and his associates had done much to bring about the present sentiment; but there were persons - even among that group - who felt regret at the passing of old traditions.

Dr Tam is a remarkably layered character for one that only appears in about ten stories, and he’s one of the agents I’m most eager to discuss in-depth. He’s another one of those agents that Gibson introduced by tricking you into seeing him as a villain, as a Yellow Peril cliche, until he is revealed to be in fact a good man. Not just good, Roy Tam is presented as a powerful, influential and cunning Chinese man with a lot of assistants secretly working for him, and who is consistently presented as a progressive, pacifistic, benevolent civic leader and ally, even friend, of The Shadow. 

Tam is very much westernized and the stories paint that mostly as a good thing, and this is one of the areas that I think could very much result in an interesting story that looks at the ramifications of his role, because of course not everyone is going to agree with his viewpoints, of course him being an advocate against superstition and tradition isn’t necessarily a good thing (and it’s not how Yat Soon, The Shadow’s other major Chinese ally, works, which puts the two at odds), and of course it’s a complicated situation, but the fact that Tam invites this kind of debate at all I think is something very interesting

Largely because of the movie, Dr Tam is one of the few agents of The Shadow who’s managed to sustain appearences in modern stories, and none of them have ever really went with his original angle as a powerful civic leader. Instead he’s been largely painted as either a scientist, like in the movie, a general practitioner, and a psychiatrist, and his age has been all over the board. 

I prefer him in his original form but I also very much like the idea of Roy Tam being, like the Chinese supervillains he was created to be a subversion of, an incredible genius who’s got skills in all fields that can fit under the “Dr” part of his job and is also an incredibly capable leader able to unify splintered communities under a cause of unity and cooperation, someone who absolutely could be the adventuring genius so many other pulp heroes are, except he dedicates himself wholesale to his community and the fight against prejudice and the betterment of lives, even if he’s misguided or wrong at some of the causes he takes up. I really think this character could partake in really great stories if ever brought back.

Number 3: Cliff Marsland

(Fan-art by @cryptixcreations)

Cliff may have actually been the first agent I really fell in love with based on concept alone, even before I read the stories he was a part of and started loving all of the others. He’s one of the few agents who has prior history with The Shadow and we get ever so tantalizing hints at his background that we ultimately never get to learn about in full. He’s the resident tough guy and underworld contact of The Shadow, which in any other series might have made him the biggest badass and a loner action hero who’s too cool for things like thinking and relying on others for help. But here, trying to be that only gets Cliff into trouble, and circumstances gradually morph him into the series equivalent of a Team Dad. 

He was one of the agents who we got to see develop as a character. As he appears more frequently past his introduction, he grows from a headstrong, careless jackass, mostly interested in the action parts of the job, who “resigned himself to an adventurous career with violent death as its inevitable termination”, into one of the most reliable and capable agents, taking the lead during action scenes but otherwise fully defering leadership to Harry, and being the agent most likely to partake in gunfights and rescue The Shadow out of trouble, joining in missions like infiltrating circuses or high-society clubs and forming very strong friendships with Harry, Clyde & Hawkeye, who almost kills a man with his bare hands when he thinks Harry’s been killed. He’s the hardass, square-jawed ex-con who plays the reputation of a brutal killer, and is in reality a great friend, ally and husband (Arline has sadly only been mentioned in three stories), on top of being an invaluable fighter and secret agent.

Cliff could have easily been the protagonist of a long-running series all his own and that’s one of my favorite aspects of The Shadow’s agents. They are people with agency, goals and dreams and relationships and lives beyond the roles they play, they all have strengths and weaknesses and faults and positives that bring them much closer to us than The Shadow could ever be, with no end to the variety of roles they can take, and Cliff in particular is a character I’m very attached to. 

I do hope that he eventually found peace in a quiet life with Arline once his business with The Shadow was over.

Number 2: Harry Vincent

The Shadow as a franchise has been vastly worse off as a result of Harry Vincent being completely sidelined and mischaracterized in virtually every adaptation since, and the sheer love that Shadow fans hold for Harry purely may be the closest thing to a true universal opinion in the fandom. 

Harry is a lot of things: the audience surrogate, the protagonist of much of the early stories, the leader of the agents in field duty, the dude in distress who gets kidnapped far more than even Margo, a hopeless romantic, an action hero, the one who gets sent to recruit agents because all The Shadow has to do is send Harry on an assignment and wait for him to come back with a new friend. He is a competent, resourceful, strong, extremely kind ball of sunshine who's got the potential for greatness, even if he can't see it. 

And for this post I’m going to highlight this: Harry is, on top of all that, the ultimate embodiment of what The Shadow strives to protect, help and uplift. He is the living proof that The Shadow's mission has a good, positive effect in the world, long after criminals are brought to justice and plots are failed and victims are rescued, purely by the fact that he’s alive and helping others who were once like him. Someone who, despite having so much to offer, could have easily been swept away by the world’s callousness and cruelty, if The Shadow wasn’t there to rescue him and uplift him.

I liked The Shadow pretty much at first sight after seeing the character’s design and listening to episodes of the radio show, and my appreciation for the character grew after reading The Shadow’s Shadow, but it wasn’t until I encountered @oldschoolcrimefighters and her brilliantly informative writings on The Shadow and Harry that I not only fell in love with the series, but decided to do everything in my power to try and get other people to love it too and see the potential it has. I think a lot more people should at least be aware of why Harry matters. 

Number 1: Moe Shrevnitz

I was honestly a bit surprised when I rounded up all of the agents to make this list and Shrevy here ended up in Number One, but in hindsight, it may have been obvious all along. 

My reasonings as to why Shrevy is my favorite agent do get a bit too personal, especially because of something that happened to me as I was writing this post, so I’m putting it on a separate post here. 

[logically-asexual]

okay i'm already procrastinating and i don't plan on sleeping any time soon so here we go.

☆ ✩ my personal ranking for every season 1 Sanders Sides episode. ✩ ☆

i think it's going to be pretty similar to @dukeofonions' but let's see if i find something new to contribute haha. i see you didn't include that one about Patton in the Big Game or whatever, so i'm not including it either xd. also i think i'm going to count Accepting Anxiety as one episode only.

edit: i finished and now i dare you to drink a shot of water every time i say the word spanish or a version of the word comfort and become very well hydrated.

#16 I'm in a Disney Show

(i agree with dukeofonions here) i always forget this episode exists. it was ok in terms of being happy for real life Thomas but as a Sanders Sides episode it didn't do anything. the sides were just giving their opinions but it wasn't very funny or interesting. also i'm bitter because it made me look up the episode he was in and i didn't like it at all. i don't know if i'm too old for those Disney shows now but Thomas was literally the only good part of it, everything else was really dull and boring imo. a waste of time.

however, Logan supporting clickbait is one of the funniest things ever, and i'll never forget it.

#15 Becoming A Cartoon

i didn't hate this episode but it was just .. meh.. you know? several factors contribute to this. one, i couldn't feel much nostalgia for Butch Hartman's shows because i watched them in Spanish, and everything feels really weird when they speak English, i don't like how my old cartoons sound in English. two, it was disappointing to me because we were all desperately waiting for Plot™ and instead they give us this short episode about nothing (oh how the tables have turned now it's the other way around haha). and three, i didn't like the style of the animation :/ their faces and expressions freaked me out, Roman's douchey face still haunts me.

#14 Way Too Adult

here i'm biased because i don't like Patton much, and i didn't back when i watched the series the first time either, so this video was a little disappointingwithout the rest. also it wasn't relatable to me because i am still too young and dependent on my parents haha. but Patton is funny and it's funny to laugh at Thomas' struggling.

#13 The Dark Side of Disney

i've never been a fan of Disney movies. i actually never watched Mulan or the Lion King or Aladdin as a kid, so meh. i liked the ending, though, it was cool to see Virgil have fun and be right for once. it does make me a bit uncomfortable because the way Thomas tries too hard with Virgil's mouth movements and his low voice reminds me of a guy that had made me v uncomfortable not long before watching that video. so an icky feel overall.

#12 A New Year of Lying to Myself

this video was actually kind of fogettable to me. i had a hard time connecting the voices in the song to the characters and idk. i don't love it nor hate it, just .. neutral.

#11 My True Identity

pretty much the same opinion as dukeofonions, again. it's a good introduction and it's good that it was the beginning of it all but on its own it's not very special. i think it's awesome on Thomas to have come up with such a clever idea, like choosing the dad, the teacher and the prince and putting them together and match them with thoughts?? that fit so perfectly?? it really is just very impressive when you think about it, that it was just a random idea he had for a short 5 minute video.

#10 Taking on Anxiety

i liked this video a lot because when i watched it i had recently been a lot on tumblr, and found out through relatable posts that i had anxiety. so watching this video was really fun and it made me happy to feel so seen, specially the intro when Thomas just talks about what it's like to have Anxiety and Virgil is so smug about it.

- ★ -

okay now that those are out of the way things are going to get hard... all the following i love with all my heart so i'm going to rank them based on the smallest things.

#9 Growing Up

once more, Patton isn't my favorite. so that's why i'm putting this here, plus the echo at the end askjhsahg, but i love love this video. i remember we were waiting and oh so ready for the angst of nobody taking Patton seriously. and we received!! i love that though Roman and Logan are antagonists here, they're both so happy about Thomas wanting to have a healthy life. and i just adore the way Logan admits his mistake at the end and asks Patton directly. my heart... also aw.. the nostalgia. i remember none of us knew how to spell Patton's name and were writing it in very funny ways until Thomas and Joan told us lol.

#8 The Mind vs The Heart

when i watched this video the first times i didn't like it much, because i only had eyes for Virgil, but later i came back to it and loved it. so taking that into account i'm putting it here. logicality was the first ship i ever shipped in the show because i saw a gifset on tumblr of Patton screaming "what do you know about love?!" and Logan "apparently more than YOU" and the caption said "MARRIED", and i thought hey yeah... anyway. i love them. they're both my dads since that day.

this video is so so so relatable and i love it. Logan and Patton are so much fun arguing and i love how they compromise at the end and work together. im reconsidering.. i might move it higher? no, fine i'll leave it here.

#7 Making Some Changes

this video was absolutely hilarious. i personally couldn't see it as the Sides still once they were acted by Thomas' friends, i enjoyed it more as that bunch being silly and trying to be the sides but failing in so many ways, while sometimes nailing stuff suddenly. i really don't take this one too seriously as an episode. except Joan!Logan and Valerie!Logan, my beloved... i love how Joan acted as Logan and their voice and that they kept their ace ring on.. there's a reason i had them as my icon for so long. and Valerie looks a bit (a lot) like me with the glasses and dressed in dark colors, plus she spoke Spanish and there's .. no words to describe the joy i felt when seeing/hearing that. wait i'm getting emotional...

#6 My Personality Q&A

when i watched this Virgil was my favorite side and i didn't care much about the rest lol. when i heard his answers i related to him SO much it was scary, and also his voice is so soft and it was all very comforting. it was also when i first starting looking at Logan with more attention, because when he brought up Big Hero 6 and Fall Out Boy and said he didn't sing and would recite it like a poem? it only took a couple seconds but my brain said "me" and never went back.

now this video is a little underwhelming to watch for me, most of the appeal for me was in finding out the answers, and also watching it when we didn't know a lot about the sides. now we know more and want to know more so it's not as fun to me as it was first.

i wish so bad they'd do another one, although i know it would be more difficult with a much bigger audience, i think they can manage and i just need it. the chaos.. the energy.. they all being so savage with each other, learning little random facts about them you didn't expect.. i need it.

- ★ -

oh boy top 5 here we go. the next three are practically a tie. i can't choose.

#5 Alone on Valentines Day

i love Valerie, and the idea of this video was perfect and so perfectly excecuted. every side just giving their crazy opinions on how to woo a random stranger, i laughed SO much. first with Logan speaking simlish out of nowhere? at that point i didn't know practically anything about the sims except that it was some video game and the whiplash of Logan going AYO and the rest killed me. then when Roman whipped out that dialogue in Spanish??? my life was completed. i've never felt more happy than i did in that moment gosh. just the hilarity of Roman's drama, the shock of them speaking Spanish suddenly like that, the absolute JOY of seeing a creator i like speak (may i say) perfect Spanish, the other characters' faces after that.. never been happier.

also the conclusion was so cute. Virgil solving the whole problem without wanting to. i loved it.

#4 Am I Original

i think this video speaks for itself. it was fun to watch them all do the ideas Roman had, plus Logan and Virgil nodding at each other, (i love them so much), plus the angst at the end of Roman's perfectionism, plus Roman's just perfect name. this video has it all.

i think Thomas posted it kind of late at night and i watched it at 7am in the classroom as i waited for my classmates to arrive and the class to start. (i usually was like 40 minutes early to school due to mom’s work). i had to contain my laughter and it wasn’t easy.

#3 Losing My Motivation

i started loving this video after a while, when Logan passed Virgil in the position for my favorite side. but once he did this episode was beautiful. it's so funny and i love Logan and Patton's dynamic so much. and the video also so damn relatable in general. i felt so seen with it because they named all the problems i have when procrastinating, down to Patton's vague explanation of his feelings, it's exactly how i feel every time i want to do stuff. and the plot twist! i can hear the dramatic sound effect and see how they all turn to Logan clearly in my head, and it always makes me smile. plus there's so much Logan angst that can be dug up and overanalized. i love to watch it over and over.

#2 Accepting Anxiety

this video was perfect. everything we wanted. we knew it was coming and it delivered perfectly, better than any fanfic done in the waiting time. the week between the parts was agonizing but in a fun way somehow. i remember precisely when i was watching part 2 in my living room. i screamed. and i cried, a lot. i was feeling terrible at that time in my life and Thomas was such a comforting presence and i can't begin to describe how this episode made me feel.

and later it is always fun to rewatch with all their different reactions to being in Virgil's room, the energy of that was on point. Thomas is such a great actor and the characters where just amazingly performed. plus it gave so much to talk adn think about, the idea of the rooms, lots lots of insight into the characters, foreshadowing, so much. it's just perfect i have nothing else to say.

#1 (for purely emotional reasons, ironically) My Negative Thinking

i think Accepting Anxiety is the best episode of the season objectively but my favorite is My Negative Thinking. because i love Virgil and Logan so much and seeing them argue together was and is great. the comfort.. i can't repeat that word enough throughout this post. it's such a soft video while not being overwhelming with Patton and Roman's outbursts. just quiet (mostly) and clear and with perfectly timed humour.

Logan my beloved.. learning spanish... helping me with my own anxiety.. and their debate was so good. and the fact that they were friends i- i can't. Virgil didn't think Logan liked him and Logan told him explicitly that he did and the casual softness of it i cant even. Logan is happy that he tried.. it's just marvelous. Virgil and Logan as best friends will always be my favorite pair, and their dynamic will always be what i strive for in any relationship i might form, with both sides silently comforting each other within their own limits and realistic perspectives. so nice.

- ★ -

so yeah. that's all. thank you if you read all the way up to here. ♡ ♡ ♡

[concealeddarkness13]

WHG 15 Post-Games Imposter Syndrome Part 18

The day after part 17! Warning if you don’t want to read about this: there’s kissing. Tagging: @sparkles-and-hens, @knmartinshouldbewriting, @maple-writes, @pen-of-roses (also thanks for Conor!), @thoughts-of-nora, and @ratracechronicler!

I triumphantly sent the video to Indigo as some Peacekeepers installed some cameras in my room. They were trying to intimidate me, but it wasn’t going to work. I’d just have to figure out how to smash them.

As the Peacekeepers left, the District 9 escort, “affectionately” nicknamed Bystander slipped in. This time, he went for fancy but not garish, and he was holding a purple iris. Oh joy. What was he up to now?

I just eyed him, not bothering to get up from my bed, as I set my phone down. He spoke first. “My, you’ve already caused quite the stir here.”

Well, at least he hadn’t openly threatened my crew, and he didn’t seem to want to start with that, so I relaxed a slight bit. I didn’t have to be openly hostile back, at least not yet. I smiled. “Oh? And I was hoping to remain inconspicuous.”

“Forgive me if I don’t quite believe that little thief. I have already found myself applauding your performance though, such a shame they felt the need to put a tighter leash on you.” He glanced over at the cameras. So, what was he even talking about? The incident where I beat up Indigo might have slipped out, but the whole slipping out, stealing from Aurora, getting a video while burning what I stole, and getting caught shouldn’t have. And I hadn’t done anything special other than that. The citizens of the Capitol wouldn’t even know I was alive yet. “I’m sure you’ll find a way around it of course and I, for one, am thrilled to watch as always. Tell me, were you truly thinking it would work?”

What, beating up Indigo or stealing, which both did work? Or did he not know exactly what I had done? I cocked my head. Better to not give him anything. “What would work?”

He grinned and winked. “But of course. Still, for your efforts.” He held out the iris elegantly. “Forgive me, but I find roses to be horribly overdone.”

True. I took it and set it down, ready to crush it if that would actually hurt his feelings. “So, what is Bystander really here for?”

“Ah yes, I suppose you have earned the right to my name. After all it simply wouldn’t do for you not to when we appear together. It’s Conor.” How…normal. But what did he mean by “appear together”? He bowed and walked to the other side of the room. Casually. Nonchalantly. But I could tell he was enjoying drawing this out. “There is no last name to worry about. You’ll forgive if my manners on this are a little out of date, but it’s been a while since I’ve hoped to win someone’s affections. The flower might not be appropriate still, though I did try to find a pomegranate to offer with the news of us becoming a couple in the public’s eyes.” He winked.

What the fuck? That didn’t even make any sense! It wasn’t as if he was a celebrity too. Why would anyone care? Fucking ridiculous. But there was nothing I could do about it. I had already agreed to cooperate on TV. I had to feign a different surprise so he wouldn’t see my real surprise. “Oh, dear me. So fast? We haven’t even shared a life-threatening scene together where you confess your undying love for me even though you’ve only known me for a day.”

“We didn’t?” He pretended like I had stabbed him in the chest. “Though I suppose in your version my life would have to be in danger as well, instead of the tale of seeing you and falling for you before the Games, after all you did wear my signature stars, but then, alas, I worried so much that you would die in the Games and had to profess as soon as we were able to meet up again. Though, if you would like to present another life threatening scene for yourself before the cameras for it to go your way, I’m sure it could be arranged.”

Well, that story was even flimsier than mine. But the citizens of the Capitol might just eat it up, especially if we were both entertaining enough. Oh joy. I laughed. “So, it’s to be a fake relationship? I’m wounded.”

His grin turned sharper, more dangerous. And I felt pinned down by his stare. “Oh I know you better than to fall for someone who could easily be your enemy and clearly has ulterior motives. But imagine the spectacle all of this will cause, the idea that not only have tributes survived, but for the possibility of love afterwards? The Capitol thinks they’re in charge of all, but maybe the people worry that they’ve grown soft? Allowing people to survive the Games after all? What are they covering up?”

Another flimsy story. Why would this be what the Capitol relied on? “They don’t have to use love with a random nobody Bystander to do that. They have a million other ways at their disposal.”

He laughed. “No, if anything the idea of love or even allowing me to do this shows that the precious Capitol isn’t as wise as they hope. But us? We can use it to exploit that foolishness and cause the people more concerns and doubts about all that power and maybe cause some trouble and mischief for added fun, little thief. Don’t tell me you don’t enjoy this to some degree?”

If he had come to me with this before I had agreed to cooperate, that manipulation might have worked. However, I had to cooperate on TV, at least, so I wouldn’t be causing any mischief there. Not when it could mean that my crew would be killed. I just decided to ignore that. “Well, I’m afraid I won’t live up to your expectations. Or you won’t live up to mine.” My smile turned into a smirk. Since I wouldn’t gain anything else from this, I might as well have some fun. “Are you a good kisser? If not, I don’t think I’ll be able to pretend to your satisfaction.”

“I have never lived up to an expectation a day in my life, it’s what makes it so exciting. And oh? Here you accused me of going too fast, but well,” he smirked as well. “Practice makes perfect after all.”

As if this would be anything but a distraction. Possibly a dangerous distraction if he was more than he seemed, which was becoming more and more likely. “Who said anything about love in this?” I stood up and crossed my arms, the smirk still playing on my lips. “It’s a mutually beneficial relationship. One that we have to sell as if it was real.” Even if there was nothing for me to gain, really.

He quirked an eyebrow and stepped forward. “You claim that and yet you don’t truly know yet what you’ll gain, still seeing me on the Capitol’s side in all this? You truly are fascinating my little thief. If this is to appear real though, I’ll have to know more of what you like and I can’t wait to learn more of your wit.”

I laughed lightly. I should be able to get a good time out of this, at least. “Isn’t having a good time enough to gain from a relationship like this?” I stepped forward, within arm’s reach of him and placed a hand lightly on his chest. I lowered my voice to a whisper. “So, the Bystander takes his turn on stage.”

“Hard to stand by when the lead is just so interesting, after all, sometimes the best view is right in the center of everything.”

I laughed. So close, his eyes almost looked otherworldly. Kind of like how his eyes had changed color a few days ago. If he was older than he looked, I wouldn’t be able to one-up him, but it would be fun to try. “I’m flattered. Now, let’s see if he can play the lead.”

He closed the distance, and damn. He was actually a good kisser. Held me so that there was no space in between us, buried one hand in my hair, while the other skirted along the edge of my shirt, touching the skin underneath. Kissed with such “passion” and intensity that I barely had time to breathe. My thoughts swam and got all jumbled, which I just blamed on the lack of oxygen. But that was kind of the point, I supposed. When I finally had to pull back to gasp in some breaths, he kissed my neck, holding me tighter, hand slipping under my shirt. Shit. I would gain at least something from this, even if it was just a good time. Once I had regained my breath, he brushed his lips up my neck until he kissed me on the lips again and my thoughts muddled. Still totally because of lack of oxygen. And he backed me up until my legs hit the bed, and I almost lost my balance, and he made me lose my balance, and we were laying on the bed. Shit. He stopped and smiled down at me. “What do you think now little thief?”

He was so close. It was hard to breathe still. I hated how my voice wavered. “6/10.”

“Still need to work on your acting if you want me to believe that. Though, I did already mention practice making perfect didn’t I?” He raised an eyebrow and kissed me on the forehead. Okay, okay 7/10.

I could barely find my voice, so I whispered instead. Trying to pry again. “With that performance, you should be the main character. I’m nothing compared to you.”

“Don’t sell yourself so short, anyone would fall for you, and I know that I wouldn’t be the first. Everyone’s eyes have been on you since you entered the Capitol.”

Huh. Deflecting. Well, there were other ways to figure out more about a person. I slipped one hand under his shirt to distract from my other hand that was slipping into his pockets. “You’ve fallen for me? I’m flattered.”

There was a piece of paper that could be important. “My attention is what flatters you? Not that of the rest of the Capitol, or even those who were your fellow tributes?”

I laughed and snagged the paper, bringing it to my pockets. “You’re certainly the most intriguing. Despite how much you say you’re just a member of the audience, you are possibly the most mysterious one I’ve met.”

“Would you prefer me to call myself the devil on your shoulder?” Huh. That sounded pretty applicable. “Encouraging what are likely ideas that will lead to trouble to watch it all play out but doing nothing more? It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone has accused me of such things.”

And I had a way to make a small victory. “I rest my case as to why I focus on your attention over anyone else’s.”

He grinned. “Oh, I like you my little thief. The devil has always been far more interesting to listen to I’ve found. Very well, I will admit getting closer to you is not the only fun I am hoping to have from all of this, though I assure you it is definitely a part of it. I do love unique things after all. But I am hoping to help catch someone’s attention even more than you already have for a bit of personal fun. I do wonder how close you are to figuring out the puzzle from the pieces now.”

My thoughts snapped to Reine. He had been mentioning her too much, especially last time I saw him. Why was he trying to get her attention? And I had to admit, the promise of information was tantalizing. I smirked. “And what’s the prize for piecing the puzzle together?”

He pretended to think. “A favor perhaps, anything short of getting you out of this predicament you’ve found yourself in because then where would my fun go? Maybe a gift, a message…Though I do hope you choose wisely because you would be trusting the devil here.”

Something to think about. “Noted.” I laughed and winked. “I think we should practice more before they think we’re plotting something.” I pointedly glanced at the cameras.

He laughed too. “Very well my dear thief.” I pulled him into the kiss this time, but he kissed with the same intensity, not giving me enough time to breathe. Shit. I had to admit, he was charming and intriguing. I had to be careful around him.

He broke off fairly quickly and stood up. I sat up and smirked at him as he spoke. “Sadly, you are correct in assuming they might think we are plotting something if I stay too long, but I will look forward to seeing you again, I promise.”

I bowed a little and channeled my best sarcasm. “And I’ll be counting the seconds.”

He just laughed and left. I frowned and immediately looked at the paper I had taken from him. It was filled with letters that seemed to be from the same language that Reine had shown me. So, they probably were connected. But the way Reine had talked about him when I had wanted to steal from him made me think they weren’t on the best of terms. So, what did he want to do? Especially because she was captured. She might not even be able to watch the TV. Was there anything I could do with this information? Probably not.

[nystudies]

hi guys! today i’ll be sharing some tips and things about how to be successful in the IB program. this is kinda long but it’s the HONEST truth that not a lot of people would tell you. i got my results back and i did end up getting my diploma! :) IB classes i took: HL english, HL psychology, HL history, SL mandarin, SL ESS, SL math studies, and of course TOK :) hope this helps ya’ll!

1. procrastination

something i struggled with a lot was procrastination. i especially procrastinated the EE and all of my IAs, and i can tell you guys it was NOT the move. i became super stressed because i was saving big assignments for the last minute, and it was horrible for my mental health. doing assignments last minute might work sometimes, but in the IB program it will really effect your grades. what i would recommend is if you get homework just do it the day you get it, and when having longer assignments, work on it bit by bit everyday. i know getting started can be really hard, so what helped me was thinking about my future goals (it really motivates me to work harder). 

2. cas

yes, i am making a section just for cas. did you know you could get perfect scores on your exams but if your cas isn’t complete you don’t get your diploma? i’ve heard stories... DON’T PROCRASTINATE YOUR CAS! spread out your activities and hours throughout BOTH years. what i would recommend for being successful in cas would be to do activities that you actually like. i know a lot of people who would do ANYTHING for cas hours, and while they got their hours, their journals were in-genuine and they struggled at the end when they had to have the final discussion with the ib coordinator. do something you’re proud of! also, anything can count for hours. i put social media as hours! in addition, you can use the things you do for cas for your college applications!!

3. make friends  

now you’re probably wondering, jordan, what do you mean make friends? i have friends... well, what i mean is make friends in your classes. this is something i LEARNED. in year 1, i was kind of a lone wolf, and i realized that whenever i had questions or needed help, i didn’t have anyone to ask. in year two, i made sure to have at least 1 friend in every class and it helped me SO MUCH. they don’t even have to be your friends, just find people you would feel comfortable talking to and asking questions, it will really come in handy, especially in the ibdp. 

4. learn confidence 

again, you’re probably very confused. let me paint you a picture: you will have to do A LOT of public speaking in this program. a lot. whether it’s speeches, presentations, tok presentations, daily speaking in language class... you will have a lot of public speaking. i guess this is kind of a heads up. i know it sucks, but you WILL have a ton of graded public speaking assignments, and i can tell you from personal experience, if you aren’t confident or able to speak in front of others, it will effect your grade. i know this because i was that girl. like literally in mandarin class if i had to do daily speaking in front of all of my classmates i would CRY. literally cry. so i know where you’re coming from. but, what i learned throughout the years is that NOBODY CARES. and i mean that in the best way possible. you just have to remember that you won’t see these people after high school, they really aren’t paying that much attention, and if you mess up, they truly will not care. everyone is stressing over their own assignments. what i learned to do is fake it till you make it. i would appear SUPER confident with whatever i said, and everyone believed i was confident and speaking well, even though i would mess up sometimes. just close your eyes, take a breath, and fake it till you make it :) 

5. final tips / words

make sure your IAs are good, they matter. 

your citations in your EE is literally more important than the actual writing. if you have ONE wrong citation you could literally fail your EE. 

live your life! you will definitely be consumed in your studies, but trust me you also need some fun :)

you’ll become close with your ib cohort because ya’ll are ALL struggling together. you will most likely make new friends :) 

take classes you know you’ll somewhat enjoy. if you’re not a math person don’t take HL math, if you’re not a science person don’t take HL bio... TRUST ME. 

do your EE on something that ACTUALLY interests you because it’ll be easier to work on and it won’t really feel like a weight on your shoulders.

don’t overthink things. i know a ton of people stress a lot about the tok presentation, but trust me you will be okay. i made my presentation the day before i had to present and got a 9. just PRACTICE presenting. it will help so much 

do your tok presentation on something that interests you and something you actually could talk about, it will make your life a lot easier

helpful website: https://www.ibsurvival.com/

i have a tumblr group for ib students where we help each other, ask to join! 

okay, that’s it :) hopefully this helped some people, it was really raw and honest. while the ib program caused major stress and health issues, it was also an experience. it changed me, made me more open minded and really impacted my life. i was able to do things i wouldn’t think i would do because of cas, and i learned more about myself. and honestly, i loved my cohort and felt like i had a small family of people i could relate to. if you’re nervous, don’t worry. it isn’t that bad, and trust me there are positives. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE! if you want further advice on anything IB related you can comment, send something to my ask box, or just private message me! have an amazing day :))) 

- jordan <3

[attheexactlyrighttimeandplace]

I was tagged by the friendly @wvnjo. Thanks for sharing this game. I enjoyed to learn more about you: it’s totally ok to be reminded that the real you is as likeable than the online you.    

rules: answer the questions and tag people you’d like to get to know better

When is your birthday? 27th july

Where do you live? In France. Somewhere in the french alps, in a place surrounded by mountains (they circle us). 

Three things you are doing right now: trying to motivate myself to quit Tumblr and go either to sleep or to read, adding layers because it snowed today and i’m very cold despite my heating system, browsing the online bookshops and crying over the cost of a basic edition of Shakespeare’s comedies (i know its a boxset of two thick volumes but still his work is in the public domain since 400 years (!), it shouldn’t cost an arm (!) :(        

Four fandoms that have piqued your interest: My fandoms online are mostly tv shows. I was crazy about Hannibal when it was on air and during few years after. I had no talent and thus no creation to share but i was active in supporting the fans artists by buying their work.

I felt again the same level of “obsession” this year for Twin peaks after revisiting the old and new seasons.

But most of time i’m satisfied with browsing the still active forums/tags once a while, and sometimes interacting with fans for discussing plot and characters. I’m currently more or less rewatching few old americans shows from the 90′s like btvs and the X Files and rediscovering why i used to be crazy about them.    

How has the pandemic been treating you? It didn’t change much my habits. I was already an introvert who avoided as much as possible going out, it gives more reason to stay in. But it also forced me to reconsider the futur (i want to work from home now which is not really practical in my field).  

A song you can’t stop listening to right now: I’m listening on a loop a Tuareg song called Tatrit (i’m a fan of world music). 

Recommend a movie: Since there are so many options, it’s hard to not answer by a question: for what kind of mood or occasion? My Neighbor Totoro by Hayao Miyazaki will always be my favourite.  

How old are you? Nobody cares, not even me. 

school, university, occupation, other: i was in  my career change project until this year and i  completed last july my degree in social work. Now i need to work.

Do you prefer heat or cold? I’m born to thrive only in cold, winter and rain. I suffer so much from global warming.   

Name one fact others may not know about you: I have already chosen the place where i want to die (die and be buried)  and it’s freeing. It brings me a great peace of mind, a strong feeling of serenity to know that every thing will come to an end, and there’s a  right time and right place for it (sorry for the dark thoughts).    

Are you shy?  Not shy but completely an introvert so social distancing is my natural mode of communication. 

Pronouns: she/her

Biggest pet peeves: People who talk loudly on the phone make me want to leave the room.

What’s your favourite “dere” type? I had to Google this one to confim my idea that dere could be related to the word tsundere, which was used to describe a type of character in the manga/anime world when i used to read manga and watched anime. But it’s been so long since i watched an anime, i don’t know enough the other current types to make comparisons and pick one. 

Rate your life from 1 to 10 (1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be): 1  definitively. I would change everything if i cared enough.  

What’s your main blog? I have only this blog.  It’s not a project, there’s no concept at the heart. It’s just a fantasy place where i escape real life and sometimes others social networks like twitter.    

List your sideblogs and what theyre used for: I don’t have a sideblog.

Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? The appearances show only the tip of the iceberg. There’s a complete different world underneath but it takes patience to reach it. Also it’s not for everyone.  

Tagging everyone who see this and wants to do it. 

[ranposlittle]

Hiya! If I could, may I have a bsd matchup please? I think it’ll be longish, so I’ll mark it with (⚜️) I’ll start with the obvious stuff. I’m a. heterosexual female, an INTP and 5w6. My Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw, but I’ve had people assume Slytherin before. Appearance wise, I’m 157cm, have short brown hair and blue eyes, I think I’m fairly pale too?

(⚜️) I really like history and physics (I study physics at university). I particularly like reading and analysing old writings about historical events and getting all viewpoints to paint a better picture. I’m also very fond of cats (they’re very cute). Reading and sleeping are things I do often if I’m not running errands, (it’s safe to say a lot of my activities are rather boring). I would like to do more exciting things, but think it would be weird for me to do them on my own (idk why?).

(⚜️) Personality wise, I’ve been told I’m intimidating at first (people often assume I dislike them) because I rarely talk, but it’s just because I really suck at conversation and ice breakers. I’m pretty self conscious and have trouble thinking of myself being involved with others. I’m kinda lazy too and find it hard to get motivated to do anything.

(⚜️) I struggle with illness, so I think I’d need to have a somewhat tolerant partner, though not so much that I continue to get worse (not that I expect them to ‘fix’ me or be responsible for my wellbeing). Anyway, those are my bad aspects. I am very good at understanding people and empathising with them. I can normally read people and get a good gist of their intentions pretty well (like a sixth sense I guess). I’m also fairly creative so it’s easy for me to find fixes to problems.

(⚜️) If I got attached to someone I’d probably be really clingy? Or at least talk to them about dumb things a lot. Though this also means that once I trust someone and know that they trust me I’m incredibly loyal and supportive (but not blindly). Sorry if this is a lot, I never know where to stop with these things? Thank you in advance!

I ship you with...

🌹 Oda Sakunosuke 🌹

There's practically nobody as understanding as Odasaku is. His tone and words are always gentle, honest and kind. A sense of comfort surrounds this man's presence so to be in a relationship with him would feel quite relaxing.

Despite being The Logician of the personality types, INTPs are known to be shy around unfamiliar faces. This might be why you may come off as intimidating to others but even so, Odasaku would be unfazed by this. He wouldn't mind sitting in silence if there's nothing to be talked about and wouldn't feel uncomfortable. If he notices that it's you who feels uneasy, then he would also be quick to come up with a topic of conversation. INTPs are logically precise and could easily tell the truth behind people's motives but can be quite weak in reading people's emotional complaints or hints. Odasaku functions the same way but he can be really sensitive in seeing and understanding what you might be feeling without you having to voice it out. Because of your intellectual talent as being also a Ravenclaw, you should be able to know that Odasaku is as genuine as one can be. He never hides any hidden intent behind his words nor his actions, making it easier to put your trust in him. It would also probably be not that hard for Odasaku to pick up the trail of crumbs you left him to let him know that you like him and since he can see that you're too shy to act on it, he wouldn't mind making the first move. He understands that the risk of rejection is never a pretty feeling so he would let you know the risk was never there.

INTPs pride themselves on their brilliant intellect and unrelenting logic, because of this, you might often have a book in hand. Whatever it is that you're reading, Odasaku would be peeking on it or would ask you what it is about. Even if history and physics isn't really his thing, he would still be interested to hear you talk about what you've read. He likes that he can learn all sorts of things from you since his schedule doesn't really allow him to spend a lot of time on things that wouldn't be useful for his current work, so he would love it that just by talking to you, his horizons widen. Communication wouldn't be a challenge to the two of you as you share the likeliness of being direct and honest with your speech, creating a mutual understanding to avoid common misunderstandings. INTPs are always full of ideas but usually don't get to venture out often but Odasaku would make a great adventure buddy for you. He will be encouraging and supporting of any exciting experiences you'd like to have and you'll just that feeling that everything will be fine as long as he is with you.

Overall, I think Odasaku is the right man for you because his endearing yet fierce personality would be something that could support your growth and comfort you from your troubles. Of course, he wouldn't try to fix you because he doesn't think there's anything to 'fix' in the first place. You're not just your illness and he will genuinely see you as the person you are beyond that. However, this doesn't mean that he will not reach out his help to you when you need it. Odasaku would not think twice about doing anything he can to make things better for you without being too much. He will let you stand on your own feet but he will be there to pick you up when you fall. The relationship, while being loving, would be simple and logical. No unfulfilled complicated emotional needs or desire for over the top romantic notions to worry about, you're both free to be yourselves whilst being a couple. Your loyalty to each other would be proven over time and whether it be by hugs or through the sparkles of your eyes whenever you tell him about something you're excited about, Odasaku would love that he's the one you're giving your love to. Most of all, if you're dreaming of living surrounded by feline friends, Odasaku would fit the picture perfectly. It would be like playing house but with cute little kittens instead of children. Although, of course, he'll be as loving to children as he is with cats if you decide to have any.

***

Hello there, anon~ here's your matchup! ❤️ I hope this was well worth the wait and thank you for being here! (｡˃ ᵕ ˂。)

[burtonsdoodles]

INSECURITY

After watching the first few episodes of Elite Force again, I realised that INSECURITY actually plays quite a big role in all of the characters - each has at least one episode where they’re seen struggling with it. And as a concept it is actually really interesting as it normalises them more - instead of just being super/bionic humans who take down evil and save people all the time - they become teenagers with emotional struggles which audiences can relate to. It shows them battling against their own psychological demons - highlighting that nobody’s perfect - even with super powers - emotions always play their part.

(Some personal stuff about me) In my art practice I have started exploring the ideas of emotional nonsense and using a range of original characters, which represent my own versions of the seven deadly sins, as a means of understanding my own mind to achieve more balance in my day to day life. They are MOTIVATION, LACKLUSTRE, STUCK, DELIRIUM, COMPULSION, OVERWHELMED and INSECURITY (you can check out more under #thesins). I created them after falling into a bit of a creative rut, where I couldn’t do anything, think of anything and found myself just going to the studio - doing nothing - then going home to do nothing. This went on for weeks and really started messing with my head, surprisingly putting me in quite a bad place emotionally (and I am not a very emotional person, I can assure you now.) I realised that I had no control over all the things I was feeling and that was causing me to feel completely overwhelmed and was hindering my productivity. Emotions are extremely powerful elements which have a massive influence on the mind - but because they’re invisible, they are incredibly hard to fight against when they overwhelm you. But by assigning a character/physical being to those emotions I found I could reclaim a bit of control back from them and gain a greater sense of balance in my day to day living (they’ve been a huge help in keeping me sane throughout lockdown.)

But back to the actual point I’m trying to make - I am now fascinated by how emotional struggle is portrayed in characters onscreen, and though I didn’t immediately realise it - all 5 members of the team face their own issues with INSECURITY - which is actually really cool. Though overall I don’t believe it’s utilised to the standard it could have been, which kinda goes back to them wasting time with all the filler episodes instead of building a half decent plot, and is never really discussed so to help combat the problem for each of the characters, but it does provide interesting insight into the minds and personalities of these fictional growing teenagers.

I want to see how these insecurities influence the characters in the context of the show to highlight how they have developed with the changes they have been subjected to. As, despite the lack of plot or structure, there is something very interesting to be found in the way the characters have been written and the decisions they make throughout the series.

So to avoid this getting too long, I’ve decided to split it up into parts - a separate post for each character - that way I can go into more detail should I need to and get things posted more frequently. Also I’m intending to keep these more positive as to break up the more negative focused posts - because like I’ve said before, I don’t hate Elite Force. I’m gonna tag this little sub series as #INSECURITYseries, so stay tuned as I’m gonna try getting the first one out for tomorrow - however I haven’t actually started writing it yet so we’ll see if that actually happens.

To be continued...

[motleycrueroadie]

Along for the Ride (pt. 2)

I don’t think anyone is reading this series besides me, but I am enjoying writing this so that’s okay!

One

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Arguably, one of the best parts about living in California is the weather. Sunshine dominates the climate for a better part of the year, and while this could be overwhelming come the summer, the spring sun makes for excellent running conditions. Running has never been my favourite activity, in fact I had absolutely resented it with a burning passion until I had reached high school. My childhood had never even had a semblance of normalcy or stability to it, my parents and I were constantly on the move. It wasn’t until I entered high school that I had begun to enter a state of stability and routine. I had not signed up for cross country on my own accord, given my hatred towards running, but the coach happened to be my favourite Biology teacher, Mrs. Jeanette, who I could be easily persuaded by. Did I have a change of heart towards running after joining the team? Absolutely not. Every single workout was hellish, miles upon miles of long distance training and workouts that made you vomit, but it was the people that made me stay. 

The team, led by Mrs. Jeannette, was one of the first examples of unconditional support I had ever encountered. The race times or mile splits had never held significance in their eyes, or led them to judge me harshly, they simply looked at me as a person. I had 40 people looking out for me and giving me support at all times, and that’s what I became hooked on. The running came second to the people. Over the course of high school I became successful in both cross country and track and field, but it was never the accomplishments that carried me through it, it was always the team that I had right behind me. Leaving behind this familial system was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, I cried for days after each final milestone, but all good things must come to an end. At least that’s what they say. No longer do I have the team to look out for me, but I have the memories that come alive when I’m running. The Sunset Strip is nothing like the parks we did workouts at, or the track buzzing with athletes on a meet day, but it would have to do. The one thing that was interesting about the Strip was the sense of familiarity while at the same time being completely unpredictable. Paradoxical in nature, there was always the constants - the nightclubs would remain in the same location, the heart of the Strip - while there was the variables - whose name would be adorning the marquee this week, who would be roaming the streets looking for any chance they could get to have their name up there?

Despite all the changes since high school ended, running remained constant. Everyday at 4:30, feet hit the pavement whether I wanted to or not. The route stayed the same, the pace stayed around the same and it happened everyday no matter what, rain or shine.

One of the things about these runs was the fact that I could always spot Nikki leaving work. His appearance at my workplace had taken me by surprise, and he only continued to surprise me as he stayed for a conversation on a dull Thursday night. I knew Nikki Sixx, but for whatever reason, be it that he was caught in his own personal bubble or just did not care to pay attention, he hadn’t the foggiest clue who I was. This was quite ironic, considering that we lived in the same apartment building. Chalk it up to the schedule conflicts that we had not met. Sixx kept his own in the conversation, but had let me take the reins when it came to talking, which I had found incredibly surprising. Given the eccentric aesthetic that resembled “in your face rock and roll” I had fully expected him to overpower the conversation, but he had surprised me. I could only hope to continue learning about Sixx, he seemed to garner a certain friendship material about him. Coming up upon the Starwood, like clockwork I spotted Nikki outside the venue having a cigarette. Weaving in between the pedestrians of the sidewalk, I tried to keep up pace and catch the traffic light before it turned so I wouldn’t lose momentum. From my knowledge, I was one of the few people out on the street running around 4:30 in the afternoon, mostly because the majority of the population was on their way home from work, yet I could hear an off-kilter gait gaining behind me. 

“Do you think you could fucking slow down a little?” Smiling to myself, I knew this wasn’t a runner behind me. 

“Do you think you could fucking speed up here Sixx? I’m trying to keep pace” This was mostly meant to be a joke, but sure enough I heard the off-kilter gait find some sort of rhythm and a black figure appeared in my peripheral vision. Letting off some speed, I slowed down until I was level with Nikki. 

“You know I’ve seen this girl running across the street everyday when I get off work, but I never knew it was you” He seemed completely out of breath and quite out of his element.

“Funny how that works” Confirming my suspicion that Nikki did not know who I was. Between the two of us, I was the senior - living in the apartment building for roughly a year before he showed up. He had moved in with practically nothing with him and slowly but surely dragged raggedy furniture up the stairs to his apartment, to assemble what I can assume to only be the epitome of minimalist rock star living. I was not entirely sure if the man even ate food, since I had only ever seen him bring groceries to the apartment on a handful of occasions. 

“Since I didn’t have the chance to take you home the other day, can I make it up to you now?” Glancing at him to read the motive off his face, I was met with nothing but a face of general inquiry. He seemed innocent enough in his intentions, so I figured I would indulge the request, but not without giving him a hard time.

“How do I know you aren’t going to murder me once you find out where I live?” His eyebrows raised in surprise at the nature of the question, but he held a smirk. 

“I would be the easiest suspect in a lineup to pick out. Nobody else around here looks like me, so it’s not worth killing you if I’m going to be caught now is it?” Just like in the diner, he was able to dish it out as much as he could take it. During the time we had spent talking Nikki and I had shared just the bare details with one another about our lives, I knew enough surface information to strike up a mundane conversation. Nikki had explained to me how he spent his days on shift at the Starwood to do general cleaning, stocking and other labour tasks that people hired young men for, while at night he was a bass player for a band called London. I admitted to seeing their name on the marquee outside the Starwood. He continued to explain to me that was how he had been able to secure their first playing at the venue, by bugging the shit out of the manager with his cassettes. Though he had described this as a sort of “day and night” juxtaposition, his story didn’t strike me as that - everything he did, he did for the music.  

“You would like being caught, any press is good press for the band you would be leaving behind”

“Those assholes don’t deserve the press” Throughout this exchange, Nikki had managed to keep the slower pace that I had adjusted for him, but as we approached a traffic light that teetered on the edge of turning I began to slow to a walk. He looked over at me and almost seemed impatient, “Come on now, I’m liking the pace so you can’t quit on me” grabbing my hand he pulled me into a sprint to make it across the street, but not without a car honking at us as he flipped them off. Laughing, I pulled back on his arm and insisted we slowed down. Pointing up at the large white building, “I live here, and from what I understand so do you.” Again, he raised his eyebrows in surprise though this time he did not hold the smirk. 

“Now I’m worried about you murdering me” he spoke with just a slight tinge of humour to his voice. Continually, he amazed me with the fact that he really truly did not recognize me. 

“Sixx, answer me honestly. I have been living above you since you moved into the building and you really haven’t put two and two together since coming into the diner?” As we walked up toward the building, he shrugged his shoulders while rummaging in his pockets for what I assumed to be keys.

“You work night shift at a diner and I try and inhabit that apartment as little as possible, I have not exactly made it all that homely you know” He was blunt when he spoke, and I can presume there is a reason for that bluntness, which probably correlated to the “un-homely” state of the apartment. We continued walking up the stairs, shifting into a comfortable silence. He started to slow down as we came to his floor, and I could see the hesitancy in his face as he looked down at the floor, so I spoke first. 

“If you give me about an hour to have a shower, you can come up to my apartment and have some lasagna with me. It’s hard to cook for one, so I always have lots of food” His facial features lightened a little but he still looked a little tense, maybe he wasn’t used to the kind gesture. “Rock star lifestyle makes you look a little skinny so I think I need to fatten you up.”  I jokingly nudged him in the ribs with my elbow, and finally he eased up. 

“Makes it easier to murder me if I can’t run away from you doesn’t it?” Laughing at his quick wit, I flipped him off while making my way to the stairs. 

“One hour!” I called back to him, “I’m the apartment right above you with the plants in the window!”

Next Chapter 

[dragimal]

ok this is like. MAJORLY self-indulgent, self-psychoanalyzing rambling so I’m putting it under a readmore, but my thoughts have been spinning in circles over this for like. practically my whole teen/adult life. and I just need to put it down somewhere

idc if anyone wants to read this or respond or anything, again I’m just basically trying to vomit out my thoughts until something makes sense

so like. anxiety. I know I have it, that’s the ONE Problems Disorder I’m 100% certain I’ve got, to whatever degree it matters

but that’s kinda the thing-- to WHAT degree, and DOES that matter? at what point can I say it’s a legitimate part of me, and at what point is it something negligible and unobtrusive?

b/c here’s the other thing-- anxiety is, in fact, a strong aspect of my self-image. it’s something I associate strongly with as a character trait, and I tend to relate to ‘meek’ characters

I know part of it is a defense mechanism. I had to make myself small, being raised by my mom. she’s a whole other rant, but essentially she’s a very defensively prideful person, and any attempt to steer a conversation towards your own accomplishments/needs/interests is met with a blank look and a swift topic change back to herself. (and god forbid u bring up her faults, that would guarantee manipulative guilt-tripping at best, screaming and crying at worst)

but there’s also another convoluted level to this defense mechanism. I recognized at a young age, on some subconscious level, that pride was/is my mom’s greatest downfall. so I internalized that as, “pride (and even more broadly, confidence) is bad and and a danger to those around you” 

not to be Homestuck on main, but Dave’s first conversation with Dirk struck me on a level of personal experience that few other pieces of media have ever hit, particularly this bit

obviously the physical aspect of this abuse is beyond me, but the emotional manipulation, and Bro subsequently ruining a generally positive concept (the concept of heroism, in his case) hits incredibly close to home

my mom exuded confidence and always told me that confidence in myself over all else would save me, but she ultimately ruined confidence for me. I know there will always be this underlying thread of fear that if I’m not afraid-- that if I allow myself confidence-- that I will become like her. that I’ll hurt people with my pride

now this is all shit that I’ve known abt myself for a long time, and I know I’ve even mentioned some of this in passing before. but here’s what’s fucking me up nowadays: what happens when you cling to anxiety like this? what happens when you craft a disorder into your personality? where does subconscious reaction end and deliberate masking begin?

b/c here’s the other thing: I don’t truly hate myself. not rly-- not on the level I would say is dangerous or clinical. some of it may very well be real, but I definitely play it up. like play-acting at under-confidence

and it’s not like I don’t have pride either. I have tons of pride for various things I do or accomplish, namely academic studies, crafting/art, and just like working standards in general. when I can eloquently describe/argue my point, or accurately craft something to my inner image, I feel very real pride

but pride hurts. I feel pride, but equal to that is the shame I feel at feeling pride in the first place. it’s genuinely painful at times to accept a compliment without argument NOT because I necessarily disagree (tho there are definitely times where I DO actually disagree), but to accept a compliment is to admit I have pride in the thing being complimented, and THAT is unacceptable

and it’s not like my fear is unfounded either. I’ve hurt ppl w/ my pride before-- and this isn’t my anxiety making me self-critical, I KNOW this for a FACT. it simply comes with the territory of all that “gifted child” bullshit in school. yeah I was one of those. thankfully not a very outspoken student (the anxiety in my younger days was a lot more real and visceral), but I do still distinctly remember moments where my academic pride gave me an... inflated sense of presence over those that didn’t get the material, I guess u could say

I know there were times I made ppl feel small, due to my pride. hell, times I got overly, fearfully defensive of my knowledge or artistic skill to the point of talking over others and making them feel stupid. no one deserves to feel small, and it fucking tears me up to know that I did that to ppl. that I still knee-jerk react in that way sometimes, even now, and it still slips out

and isn’t that just proof that I can’t appropriately handle pride? that I’m not mature enough for confidence?

and it’s not even all about making myself small for others’ sake. half of it is this incredibly selfish knowledge that not living up to my own standards will fucking kill me if I let it

I feel like every ‘gifted kid’ experiences a chain events that starts at, “wow I’m so smart, I’m great at every subject!” and ends at, “christ I’m fucking garbage at literally everything.” we’re taught that success is in being able to do something well the first time (or at least quickly and with little effort), so if we’re not immediately good at something, we shut down b/c we were never taught that success is actually in the effort at the task

this has been talked to death by others so I don’t want to bother w/ it too long, but the critical thing to note is that there’s there’s this eventual sense of defeat in everything you do, when ur brought up w/ this mindset

I used to be somewhat competitive in certain things when I was younger-- the rare sports I played when I was RLY young, academics obviously, etc. or at least, competitive with my own personal standards, if not necessarily against other ppl. but every failure and mistake made me so upset that the angst was like. genuinely dangerous to my health

I used to play golf on a team in middle school, and every time I whiffed it I would get SO angry at myself that my dad literally told me that that level of upset would kill me someday and that I rly needed to stop

so I took that to heart and just. stopped caring

every time I whiffed it after that point, I was just like, “ah, well, what can ya do ¯|_(ツ)_/¯ ” this attitude definitely lowered my blood pressure, but it also rly killed my motivation to like... improve. b/c the thought of even trying to improve brought up all these feelings abt trying to meet my own standards of success, and how much it would hurt to fail

when u don’t set any standards u gotta meet, then when u fail u don’t rly fail, y’know? “well I didn’t even try, so it’s actually fine”

obviously I couldn’t give less of a shit abt golf anymore, but sometimes I wonder if my cold-turkey drop in confidence played a part in killing the interest itself? I know that sports and physical activity were never rly my thing in the first place, but did I perhaps give up so hard that I convinced myself that I didn’t even like those things in the first place?

I know it happened w/ academics at least: start to struggle with math? now I hate math. chemistry? that sucks too. etc etc

I kinda side-tracked here w/ all the talk of ‘gifted kid’ stuff, my point is that I have a vested interest in humbling myself-- to actively craft the persona of a meek, humble person

and I’ve been wondering if that, in and of itself, is manipulative. like, is it manipulative to let others think I rly lack THAT much in self-confidence? that I rly hate myself that much?

it certainly feels that way when I knee-jerk reject a compliment abt something I do, in fact, feel pride in-- when the shame at that pride is too much. but my friends don’t know it’s that reactive shame-- they think it’s that I rly don’t have confidence in that thing

but god, how do I even explain this fucking tangled, convoluted bullshit over my reaction to compliments? that I have to be small or I’ll hurt someone? that I do feel pride, and that’s the problem? what does that even MEAN to someone outside my own head??

and that’s not even to get into whether that manipulation is like, actually some subconscious tactic to get MORE compliments! am I fishing? when I make a post like this, am I actually just fishing for more compliments? is that what I’m doing??

I feel like I’m running in circles here, nipping at my own goddamned heels abt pride and shame and what is real and acting and does it even matter if nobody gets hurt?

do people get hurt? ppl get hurt when I allow myself pride, it’s happened before. but now I’m realizing that my self-hate may hurt ppl too-- my self-deprecation often goes too far, and it hurts the ppl who care abt me

how do I explain that self-deprecation is safe? a shield to hold back my pride? hell, it’s more accurate to say it’s a safe way to EXPRESS my pride in a way that ppl don’t detect. I acknowledge my faults, and if I frame it in a socially-acceptably comedic way, I get the pride of making someone laugh! it’s SAFE pride!

but is it? but is it, when it hurts ppl to hear me self-hate?

is there any way to feel pride safely?

I’ve never thought of myself as an actor, or as someone who can lie well (or at all). but can I lie, when I also believe the lie? is it a lie that I have anxiety? that I hate myself? that I have no confidence?

how much of me is real? how much does that hurt others? how do I carve out the parts of me that hurt others how do I make myself smaller in ways that are genuine and lasting and don’t hurt people??

I want to be small. I like being small. but am I small? or am I playing at being small?

I don’t know. I don’t know.

(cashing in on that safe comedic validation babeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

[aphrodicted]

hello! ♡ could i ask for a reading in what i need to do to better myself as a person and to find my path? i am cd, an aries. 🧚🏻‍♀️🌿🌷💌

Hello, cd!! How are you, baby?? I used Tarot Viceversa and Oracle of Gaia for you!!

What do you need to do to better yourself as a person? Knight of Wands, Five of Pentacles, Two of Swords, Six of Wands.

I’ve decided to make it on a list:

Leave worry and pessimism aside. Acting from pessimism will not bring anything good for you, but it will take you far away from who you really are. It’s hard to give up old habits that we’ve been using for a long time, but if you start changing those negative thoughts to positive ones, it’s a big step. For example, when you think negatively about something related to yourself, try that this thought is not a reproach to yourself, but a message of encouragement. Instead of saying “I don’t know how to do good x” try saying “I must put more effort into x”.

Prevent the passion from falling apart. It’s very important that you do things from passion and, also, with energy. If you do things out of routine or boredom… what is the point of continuing to do so? Look for hobbies, activities, that make you feel full and, of course, make you happy (you can raise your vibration and, therefore, bring positivity to your path).

Eliminate the fear of your life, since it doesn’t let you do everything you would like to do. What are you afraid of? Most of the time, fear is born because of insecurities we have with ourselves or because of past experiences that have caused us some trauma. Try to find the answers to those fears to be able to solve it. Fears, like any insecurity, can be eliminated with a lot of confidence in ourselves and leaving your comfort zone. 

Be honest with those around you. If there is something you don’t like, let them know; if you need anything, let her know. Speak to the world, cd. Silence is our ally in many occasions, but not in this one. You have to communicate with the world to make yourself known, but you will never find happiness in your way because nobody will know what bothers you and what doesn’t.

Show your emotions to the world. Don’t be afraid to raise your voice and say what you feel. In this way, as in the above, people will know you better and you can feel more secure with yourself and others. It’s important, on the other hand, that you also be honest with yourself. Why not be honest with yourself and your emotions? You are the best person to know you, so avoid judging yourself and begin to understand yourself.

Believe more in yourself, because success is in your hands. Please, cd, work your self-esteem in the way that’s most comfortable for you.

Learn to be silent with yourself. Silence, meditation, has the answers you are looking for. The answers are within you, but you aren’t yet able to hear them clearly because you are not able to understand yourself or your needs. Find a moment in solitude and meditate, listen to your body and your emotions: what do you want? What do you need?

What do you need to do to find your path? Seven of Swords, Ten of Pentacles, The Magician (reversed), Page of Cups.

My cards tell me about a possible bad luck in love. Have you broken up with your partner? Has anyone interested you rejected you? Disappointment is palpable in your life. However, it doesn’t have to be a love relationship, but they can also talk to me about a relationship based on any type of love that has failed or broken. Don’t worry and don’t be negative in this aspect of your life, since second opportunities exist and will appear very soon in your path. If you want to find your way, the cards ask you to give love a second chance. It’s important that you learn love isn’t always stable, but we must empty our hearts to fill it with love again. Love is an energy and love isn’t always the same, but must be renewed. It’s time to renew and let new love energies in your way, cd. When you learn to act from unconditional love, since everything needs love to be alive, things will be much easier and you will understand what your path is.

The happiness you are looking for you will find, but it will not be as easy as you want. Happiness will be expensive, as well as finding your way, but the reward will be great. Sometimes we need to fall into a deep pit to never fall into it again. Learn from everything you have lived so as not to repeat it again and, in addition, to help others who will go through the same thing.

It’s wise to rest, not decide yet or keep a “low profile” until you see the picture clearer. Surround yourself with positive people, make contact with nature, walk barefoot on the ground (other than carpet or vinyl), to be able to “make dirt” and discharge the excess energy that saturates you. The lack can be very destructive of self-confidence; the tendency to lie or self-deception, which lead to misuse of your potential or mismanagement of your resources. Therefore, look for in you what your true motivations are. Practice generosity and honesty, use your skills wisely.

An advice for you: Eternal Love: Happiness, harmony, fulfillment.

Something will be resolved soon. A new page transforms a concern you have, dissolves it and gives way to a brilliant period. A time to rest and enjoy life, free from the doubt and worry that has formed a gray shadow in your life for a few weeks. During the next month, try to spend some time in nature. Allow yourself to reconnect with the nutritional and healing power of Gaia. Immerse yourself and surround yourself with its natural beauty to help you restore your own balance, harmonize your energy centers, as well as recharge your body, your mind and your spirit. At first you may find it difficult to disconnect, but after a few days, as your thoughts slow down, you will adapt to a new and more relaxed pace. While you can, make the most of this opportunity.

I am physically and emotionally connected with the healing power of the Mother Earth. I surround myself with its beauty and experience a deep sense of peace; I am worry free. Every day I get stronger and I’m more relaxed. My life is in perfect balance.

Good luck, angel!!

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Prologue

Sometimes, dreams come in whispers, and those whispers don’t stem from selfish desires, but rather God’s promises. When that happens, God can answer even the prayers that you didn’t have the guts to put words to or wrote off as impossible or wishful thinking. His timing is perfect, so trust Him in the waiting. The days, months, or years it takes Him to set up the dominoes in your life are so worth it. When the time is right, everything falls into place in a way that will leave you in awe and unable to do anything but worship Him.

Tomorrow, I set out on a journey that He has been preparing me for over the last 3 years. It’s hard to surprise me, but God gets me every time--I was clueless to what He was up to until I found myself in front of an open door I never had to fight for. 

Pray for me, that I would take all that I learn from this leadership cohort and be fruitful, gladly yielding to His pruning throughout. Celebrate with me, for God has been good beyond measure. Read on if you want to know the full story!

November 11, 2016, I met A. Until the last year or so, I called him “Pastor A” (and sometimes referred to him half-jokingly as “Father A”), as most contexts in which I encountered him were within the church, with him at the pulpit.

In 2016, he spoke at a youth leadership retreat. The way he taught and spoke blew my mind--it was his understanding of how humans work, his uncanny ability to read all kinds of people and really get through to them, the way he ended every message with practical application exercises that grew all of us, students to young adults alike. Away from the pulpit, he was incredibly down to earth. I will never forget wondering, should I be concerned that the same man who left me awestruck moments ago with his preaching seems to have a lot of creative ideas about how to break into a car? Nah, this is way too entertaining. (Context: A was helping an uncle try to get into his locked car after said uncle lost his car keys.)

April 28-29, 2017, I couldn’t contain my excitement being under A’s tutelage again at counselors’ retreat. It was during this retreat that I learned about the company he works for, and the tools and models he uses to build leadership pipelines and empower people across all kinds of institutions, not just in the church. I was deeply unsatisfied by my career at the time. I felt lost and aimless in life. A shined like a beacon of hope, living proof that there could be something professionally worth doing in this world that actually connected to my passions. And then was born my unspoken prayer: How I would love to learn from him and do what he does one day. 

But you see, A doesn’t live in California, and I wasn’t planning on leaving. The competency gap between us was daunting. I had no reason to believe that out of all the people he met, he would take notice of little old me. Even if he did, why would he choose to invest in me? I decided to know my place and be grateful for the fact that he even remembered me and was willing to spare a few minutes of his precious time to check in on me over the upcoming years. 

At one point, he made me cry in public, and I thought it might be nice to not have that experience again--all the more reason to move on with life. (Context: He rebuked me for undermining my influence out of false humility as a group of friends standing to the side couldn’t help but listen in because what he was saying was that convicting, and it was the most loving correction I’ve ever received from a human being, but also embarrassing and really hard because criticism of any kind makes me initially feel like a failure.)

May 4, 2018, after a grueling 6 month interview process that in and of itself was a miraculous work of God, I signed the offer letter to my current company. Finally, I was a full time employee who would soon experience the full force of imposter syndrome and fear of selling out. But I also had the most clarity at this point in time that I was excited for this opportunity because I knew my purpose was to proclaim the gospel and establish His kingdom at work.

January 24, 2019, A somehow found my number (probably through my work profile) and texted me about coming to my company to start a leadership pipeline. He invited me to come to the introductory workshop on the 30th. I went. Even though it was material I’d already seen multiple times before, it still deeply impacted me. However, I decided not to join the 2019 cohort, and fell out of contact with A after February.

February 22-24, 2019, Ignite retreat. Pastor D, whom I also deeply respect and adore, returned for a second year as our speaker. I left retreat with 2 major takeaways: I need to journal, and I need mentors (plural). Pastor D taught me that mentorship comes in different forms, and paying to be part of a cohort or to take a leadership class is an option that I ought to be open to. The first thing I thought of was A’s leadership cohort, and I wondered if I had missed out. But I knew I hadn’t made a mistake, because I had no motivation to join that cohort, given that it was aimed at the specific context of developing me as a leader at my job, which was the last thing I wanted to invest more time into. Nonetheless, the importance of self awareness and guidance sat at the forefront of my mind for the rest of the year. 

June 11, 2019, I won’t explain in detail how serendipitous it felt on this day when God once again by no accident brought about a major turning point in my career. But this was the day that hope broke through. My manager started the process of helping me switch to a product I love. The transition happened officially on September 3rd. For the first time in 5 years, I actually found my job life-giving. I started to see a future here that I wanted to invest in.

October 7, 2019, I don’t remember exactly how this happened, but I suddenly realized I really missed A. I texted him to check in, half expecting to be ignored because of how long it had been (clearly, I still had issues believing that he cared about me, which now that I think about it, was probably because I hadn’t been useful to him for months, and my core Enneagram fear is that nobody would want me around if I’m not useful). I happened to check in right after he had completed his 2019 cohort, just in time to be invited to another kickoff meeting. The thought of mentorship was swirling through my mind again, and I realized I was in a place of genuine interest in joining the 2020 cohort. However, the financial barrier was holding me back. I was planning on buying a new car, I’m still paying for my Invisalign, and I just didn’t know if I was willing to take another hefty sum out of my budget.

November 13, 2019, I missed the entire kickoff meeting due to work, but I dropped by at the end to say hi anyway. All my fears and anxieties about being forgotten or unwanted melted away, and I realized on this day how much of a mentor figure A already is in my life. I told him afterwards that ever since I met him, he has shown up consistently at key moments/turning points in my life and given me the push I need to move forward. His existence reminds me that God sees me and takes care of me. He told me he’d be around again in December and actually have time to catch up, which is rare, given how packed his schedule usually is. He also encouraged me to consider joining the cohort this time. I promised to think about it.

December 10, 2019, we caught up over a casual dinner, during which A learned just how ridiculous my work life balance has historically been, how I believe that my experience has been unique because God has graciously given me all the time I need to fulfill His missional purpose for me at work, and how my passion lies in championing the people around me. Having heard my story, he went full big picture mode and basically told me to not only join the 2020 cohort, but to do so as his apprentice, that he may raise me up to one day be able to do what he does. He addressed every barrier I once had, and they were no longer an issue. The dominoes fell. 

My mind short-circuited as it took some quantum leaps down memory lane (imagine all the details in this blog post and more crashing into my brain at the same time). A stared at me expectantly, slightly amused but mostly confused as to why I was not visibly excited, but rather either at a loss for words or spewing nonsensical protest coming from a place of not feeling worthy of this offer. Honestly, I was in extreme shock that God would not only do the bare minimum of turning my unspoken prayer from years ago into a possibility, but that He went the extra mile to meet every condition that I added on top of that prayer before making it a reality. 

I helplessly looked to my friend sitting next to me to help me make sense of what just happened. He said something along the lines of, “Why are you looking at me? I think this is a great idea!” I still hit the brakes as gently as I could and told A I needed time to process, and I would officially confirm my participation with him only after I talked to my manager. 

I got manager approval the next day. 

Tomorrow, January 29th, will be our first cohort meeting. I hope to document this journey, my lessons and takeaways, so I don’t forget them, and so that I have a record of God placing down the next set of dominoes in my life.