#he’s helped me come to terms with myself as Somebody with Anxiety | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dannyemojis · 1 year

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Hello!! This post should help answer any questions you may have about me or the blog I run. If you have any further questions or something I need to add onto this, feel free to message me!

This part mostly just has stuff about me and my opinions, you can gloss over it if you’d like.

So if it isn’t obvious, my name is Danny! I like to draw a lot, and I also use discord a lot- so I combined the two things and decided to start running an emoji blog.

I will not disclose my age, but I am a minor.

I am masculine nonbinary, but I do prefer more masculine terms when referring to me. My pronouns are He / They / It. Please do not refer to me, ever, using feminine terminology.

Before I state this; I’d like to state that I am diagnosed with Autism, Adhd, Tourette’s, Depression and Severe Anxiety. I did not and would not personally self diagnose. However, this does not mean I am not in full support of people who do self diagnose. If you are one of those people who do, I support that! Not everyone has access to the resources that I did, and sometimes the healthcare system just decides to dick people over for no reason.

I am also fully in support of age regressors. I do not personally regress, but I’ve a few friends that do. I know it can be tough for guys sometimes, and I wanted to say that I’m really proud of all of you!

And this on its own goes for anyone— my dms are always always open. I am a safe space for everyone, and sometimes people just need someone to talk to. I may not always have a response or decent advice to give, but I will always lend a listening ear to anyone who needs it. I’m here for you guys! And this little paragraph is all the permission you need to dm me by the way. Feel free to just rant :]

This is basically my interact / do not interact terms,, please read these.

I welcome almost everyone to my blog, regardless of race, background, culture, etc. I consider this a safe place for everyone who comes through, and I’m more than happy to have you all round.

This includes people from all fandoms. And yes, I mean all of them. I do not care how problematic a fandom may seem collectively; I will not judge somebody for finding an interest in one particular thing just because the rest of the people within that fanbase gave it a bad reputation. It’s just not reasonable to me.

I also support people of all genders including xenogenders and people who use neo/xenopronouns! I honestly love how creative you guys are with expressing yourselves, and I’m all for it.

I’m also fully here for the “cringe” people of the Internet. I live to see all the silly things you guys do, and I’m in full support of all of it! Stay as cringey as humanly possible. I love that you guys can express yourselves like that without a care of what other people think. It’s honestly kind of admirable.

With that being said though, there are a few people that I will not tolerate nor welcome here.

I, for one, do not tolerate proshippers, comshippers or whatever the hell you people have decided to call yourselves now. If you at all in any way identify with those terms, do not interact with me or my posts. You will be blocked instantly. You are not welcome here. People who are “recovering” from this state of mind are on thin ice.

Zoophiles and anyone who identifies with the term are also not welcome here. You disgust me. Stay off of my page, and never expect acceptance from me, ever. Even if you “used to be one,” dni. Do not interact. Do not talk to me. I will not tolerate or associate myself with people like you.

I support systems, as previously stated earlier. However there are a few ‘system’ labels that aren’t welcome here, and never will be welcome here.

Endogenic systems, demogenic systems, tuplas, etc. You are not welcome here.

What are endogenic systems? Demogenic?

An endogenic system is a system formed without trauma, or so they claim. These systems do not exist, because it’s simply impossible for a system to form without trauma. Systems who do not remember their trauma are different, and are welcome here.

A demogenic system is someone “trying out” being a system. That’s fucking disgusting. You cannot “try out” a serious, trauma-inflicted dissociative disorder for fun. You are not welcome here, and never will be welcome here.

This should be a given at this point, but if you are by any means racist, homophobic, sexist, misogynistic; if you watch/support Andrew Tate, etc., get off of my blog. I do not want you here, and you people are the most intolerant pieces of shit I’ve had the displeasure of meeting.

Also please do not use slurs on my page, regardless on if you can reclaim them or not. This blog is not the place to be using slurs of any sorts, and I will not tolerate them.

This is basically just stating what I will/won’t draw.

Feel free to request anything! I may turn something down from a lack of experience drawing something, but I’ll always attempt something at least once.

You can request any type of flag emojis, regressor emojis, comfort/stuffed animals, stim emojis, etc.

Do not request the fucking confederate flag,, so help me gods

I will not draw anything nsfw, emoji request related or not.

I will always try to draw anything at least once! Feel free to request anything :)

Basically my “do not steal” card

You may use my emojis for anything you like, discord related or not. You do not have to reblog my posts or anything after you’ve saved my emojis. Use ‘em however you’d like!

With that said though, the only thing that I request of you when using these is that you do not claim credit for them. If you are looking to credit me, please credit “@dannyemojis on Tumblr." You do not have to credit me though, so long as you are not attempting to credit yourself.

With all of this said, thank you for reading!! Let me know if there’s something I should add to this post, and I’ll see what I can do. Welcome to my blog!

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levinletlive · 2 years

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Let's Talk About DBT

DBT is an acronym for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It is a strategic therapy aimed at confronting our negative thoughts and emotions head-on, interpreting them, and then managing them in healthy ways. If you struggle with severe anxiety and depression, DBT is an indispensable mental health toolbox you can't afford to go without.

As a person who grew up and currently lives in poverty in one of the wealthiest countries on earth, persevering through depression and anxiety has been a lifelong battle. Without access to affordable healthcare, I didn’t know how common my issues were or how poorly I was managing them. And because I was in poverty, my time was largely eaten up by things that I felt were necessary to do in order to survive. Little did I realize that I was often making more work for myself and re-subjecting myself to my past trauma over and over again in a miserable feedback loop that was shaving years off of my life.

If you, like me, feel like you have good reason to be anxious and depressed, it can be hard to convince yourself of the benefits of seeking help. I thought, what could a therapist prescribe to me that would remove the sources of my stress? Medications only worked a little bit, but because of my circumstances I always had a lot of breakthrough (a term for when your condition gets so activated that it overwhelms the medication meant to treat it). Therapy can’t make the government or my job treat me better, it can’t make my parents better people, and it can’t promise me that I’m not going to suffer again. Those things are true, but they aren’t necessarily the end of the discussion.

I was reluctant to try DBT because it reminded me a lot of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not… the other thing), which had yielded low results for me. My therapist had told me that I was “quite self-aware” and as we explored the subject, I found I was already doing most of the things CBT trains you to do. Anxiety runs in our family, and I’m a researcher at heart, so of course when I started having panic and anxiety attacks my immediate response was to hit the ol’ Google and figure out what you’re supposed to do about it. I didn’t want to end up like my mom, who has such severe agoraphobia that she can barely drive within our county. I learned these skills from others who came before me, but back then I didn’t have a name to put to them.

Anyway, the point is, CBT didn’t help me and I doubted DBT was going to be all that different. But I was in such a dire state at that time, and my therapist was willing to write me out of work for a whole month to attend a group class on it, so I took him up on that purely because I needed the rest. He wrote me out of work to attend two groups: an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and DBT.

IOP is more focused on people who are considered a danger to themselves or others. It’s sort of your last stop before your therapist recommends you check into a clinic. That group was only a month long, and while I was glad to get some rest outside of the class, I didn’t feel like I got as much from the class itself as I did from the regular one-on-one sessions with the therapist, but it was better than seeing somebody only every one to two months since Kaiser Permanente insists on understaffing their mental health workforce. By the end, I was still pretty scared to go back to work. My therapist told me that if things went poorly, I could always come back and we’d figure something else out. In the meantime, he wrote me off work for Thursdays so I could continue to attend DBT and a Trauma Skills group.

DBT saved my life, and that isn’t an overstatement. It improved my conditions at home and at work, it improved my relationships with friends and family, and it made me feel more secure about myself. Most importantly, it stopped me from feeling like I wanted to walk out in front of a bus.

So what the hell is DBT, and why is it so effective?

DBT is not a single skill, but rather a collection of strategies aimed at training your brain to respond differently to the stimuli that typically cause us stress. And no, it’s not toxic positivity–that was the first thing I assumed when somebody described it to me. It’s the closest we’ll ever get in my lifetime to ‘hacking’ your brain by taking advantage of the way your nervous system already works.

As with any therapy technique, you have to be open to it for it to work. It also requires a lot of practice, which is the hardest part. Those of us with trauma have unconsciously been trained to respond in certain ways to avoid or cope with danger, and we have been unknowingly reinforcing that training our entire lives. DBT helps us recognize the unhealthy responses, examine them in detail, confront the facts, and reprogram ourselves for a different response.

I can’t possibly address every skill that DBT teaches in one post, so I’ll try to do some follow-up articles on the individual sections later. For now, I’ve attached a DBT cheat sheet from DBTSelfHelp.com, which is another great resource if you’re trying to learn more about the subject.

I can talk about what helped me. CBT and DBT do have a little bit of overlap, so I did find that there were a few things I was already doing to manage my anxiety and depression. However, I also discovered more effective ways to do those things and some new skills that I hadn’t thought of.

It also helped me to attend in a group setting more than I thought it would. They did a daily check-in, and this was mostly optional. I attended remotely via MS Teams and we were allowed to type out our check-in or speak on mic. Having your video turned on was also optional, and I found that when a person’s camera turned on, more people felt comfortable sharing their own screens. We wanted to be seen and heard. At least 80% of the class on any given day was dedicated to the check-ins, giving people an opportunity to speak about their feelings, how they were coping, and what was going on in their lives (while avoiding triggering subjects; that’s saved for the one-on-one sessions).

Being the vain little creature that I am, I relished the attention and was praised a lot for my participation–so much so that it was noted on my after-visit summaries. It’s no secret to me that I like the sound of my own voice, but I also love listening to other people. People from all walks of life come to the group. These people all lived within 15 miles of me, so we had a lot more in common than I considered we might. I learned a bunch of good strategies from people who had made the skills work for them.

The skill that helped me the most is ironically the hardest to learn: radical acceptance. First, radical acceptance is NOT just accepting that bad things are going to happen and there's nothing you can do to stop them. Radical acceptance IS accepting that bad things might happen, but that they also might not, or that they may not be as bad as we assume they will be.

A day or so ago, I wrote a (now deleted) journal entry on Tumblr about how I was starting to feel nervous about returning to work after my surgery. It was mostly a vent for the dark cloud that was hanging over my head, and upon reviewing it, I didn’t think it would be very encouraging for others to read, which is why I removed it. It wasn’t a credit to my blog. This article is what I’m writing in its place, but I did have a good nugget in it about how radical acceptance can break us out of our feedback loops by dispelling “fortune-telling” patterns and re-subjecting ourselves to past trauma over and over again.

I was burned out and exhausted by my commute and my overperformance at my job, which was causing me to miss work and fall asleep at my desk often when I did go in, and my supervisor would constantly wake me and call me in to tell me I couldn’t do that. As a member of the working poor, I felt pretty confident about the path I was on. I thought it would go a little something like this:

I still think all that is possible, but I also feel better equipped to deal with that possibility and the fear it inspires than I did before DBT because I‘ve accepted that this path is not absolute. Anything can change, and fixating on that one possibility wasn’t helping me prepare or solve the problem. If anything, it was just making things worse. When I accepted that it may or may not happen, I also accepted that either way it was too soon for me to worry about it.

I’m pretty privileged. I have a union job with my local government, and to the horror of business owners everywhere, my employers can’t simply fire me for falling asleep on the job. They’re obligated as a part of our contract to work with me on adjusting my work and position to consider my health, and my conditions are well documented. Even if I lost my job, I have friends and family that would lend me support, even if all they could offer was leftover food and a driveway to park my car and sleep in. I live in a half-rural, half-suburb with a relatively low violent crime rate and police presence. I have a $10k deferred compensation account, and I get to withdraw all of those funds (subject to taxes, unfortunately) at the time my employment is terminated.

Part of radical acceptance is accepting the facts, and the fact is that I have it pretty good even when I’m suffering. I’ve been through some shit I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but that stuff isn’t happening to me right now. It’s behind me and I don’t have to keep revisiting it and tormenting myself. It’s not a predictor of my future.

Of course, just because you’ve learned the skills doesn’t mean you’re done and cured. Like anything else, these skills require practice to become internalized. I shared the cheat sheet with a good friend of mine and asked her if she would help me practice the skills in a low-stakes environment so that I could condition myself to use them in a high-stakes situation. This sometimes took the form of role-playing, sometimes flash cards, and sometimes just reminding me of what skills to use when I started feeling or thinking a certain type of way. This is a great strategy because it also teaches other people about DBT. You don’t have to be mentally ill to benefit from learning these skills.

That’s all I’ve got for today, but I’m going to try to write some posts later on the subsections of DBT in a bit more depth. Please, if you have never tried or even heard of DBT, look it up. Tell your friends and family about it. Watch Youtube videos about it. Share your own coping strategies with others. No one is an island, and we’re all in this together. The only way we thrive is together. 💖

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kath-artic · 5 months

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i made a post about this exact thing a while ago but i cant find it so im talking about it again bc im trying to organize my thoughts on the matter

i suppose i must be privileged to be able to think this, but i'm coming to realize how much people self identifying as my best friend disturbs me. its not an issue i have with the concept of best friends--i had plenty growing up and them calling me their best friend was never anything but a source of joy and pride--but rather the way the term has been twisted in recent years. the last few people to self identify as my best friend have all approached it with tremendous anxiety. they built me up into a concept and became possessive over it. they feared losing me because their self image relied on me. and i always disappointed them. i used to be like that, but since i've started to really find myself i've found so much beauty in relationships that are defined by brief periods of intense closeness and comfortable periods of distance. i love when mystery blurs into familiarity. it scares me when people tell me how much i mean to them and they look at me and i can tell that what they're really looking at is some constructed idea of me they've become obsessed with keeping around. not that i'll ever leave, but i certainly will stray and wander. i find my way back to people in time, but it worries me when time is something people are anxious to give.

idk. i've been thinking about people as cups a lot recently. i think we are all more full than we give ourselves credit for, but sometimes it takes us a while to realize just how much juice we can really squeeze out of our experiences. there are people i've met who are so clearly full that they continuously spill out over the sides and never seem to get any emptier. they seem truly bottomless. and then there are people who seem so nervous that they dont have enough that they tip themselves over and spill all their contents just to prove that they're somebody. i want so badly for these people to find peace within themselves and i know that i was like this for a long time, but i think that in order for me to want to be around someone very often and very closely, they need to be someone i can swim around in.

i think the bottom line is that people like that deserve better than me. i know what i can provide people and i know the points at which i become useless. even as i type this now i can't help but realize that this is almost verbatim something my ex said to me. i viewed him as one of those bottomless people and i myself was constantly spilling my guts in the hopes that he'd see some value, some substance, in me. he did, of course, and he tried so hard to help me find it, but i know it scared him. he would always tell me i deserved better and that the kind of help he could provide was not the kind i was ever going to be satisfied with. it's funny how we've continued to grow along the same lines even when we're apart.

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gohnnyjuitar · 11 months

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2 and 4 for tex, cobalt, rose, and romulus 😈

"what's the evil face for" i wondered before i spent an hour and a half hunched over this ask

2. a song lyric to describe their love life

Tex

"Yeah, I'm scared but I'll disappear Running around before it corners you Like he's someone who lost his way"

Houdini - Foster the People

a lot of the songs on his playlist that are about relationships are from the pov of the people he's broken the hearts of :') this one part of Houdini is chef kiss for an anxiety filled cowboy who only realizes what he had when he's disappeared for several month's with no goodbye!

Cobalt

"I can tell that you're tired But you keep the car on While you're waiting out front"

400 Lux - Lorde (runner up song was Happy Accidents - Saint Motel)

Cobalt is a very "live fast, die young" kind of fella, even with him approaching his 40s. his major relationships end (Mercedes) or almost end (Remington) because Cobalt is faced with the fear of settling down and becoming stuck (even though neither of those relationships asked him to give up what he loves to do, which is travel). this bit makes me think about Cobalt in the sense that, he sees that his partner wants to slow down and settle in, so Cobalt springs for more travel and more exploration because he's scared he'll get stuck.

what's funny is i think you added this song to their playlist dfhhgf

Rose

"I just want to love you, to love you, to love you well I just want to learn how, somehow, to be loved myself"

Two - Sleeping at Last

Rose is a fixer, and it's easier to fix everyone around her than it is to try to fix herself, especially after losing her memories. surely if everyone around her is happy, then she can be, too. Rose puts her all into a relationship because, for a while, she feels like she has to earn reciprocated love.

Romulus

"I took a low road in I'll take the high road out I'll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can't live without"

The High Road - Three Days Grace

this bit basically has to do with Romulus being full of self-hatred and regrets. he doesn't understand why Rose gives him the time of day, let alone insists on helping him when she has a million of her own things going on. it goes from him begrudgingly thinking he owes her for helping him, to him fearing the worst because he's developed feelings. in the end, she makes him want to be a better person.

4. a song lyric to describe their personality

Tex

"I'm a hold my cards close I'm a wreck what I love most I'm a first class letdown I'm a "shut up, sit down""

Polaroid - Imagine Dragons

i think this is a pretty god summary of Tex's personality whether he realizes it or not. he's pretty good at freaking out and wrecking something good and not talking about any of his own personal issues. smiley face

Cobalt

"I wanna taste love and pain Wanna feel pride and shame I don't wanna take my time Don't wanna waste one line"

Could Have Been Me - The Struts

Cobalt loves life and all the experiences it can bring. a lot of his personality revolves around wanting to not miss an opportunity to experience something new and incredible. he's a very open minded and happy fella :)

Rose

"When they see you around You look down at the ground But when they walk away You wish they'd stay"

Bleeding Heart - Regina Spektor

a big part of Rosemary's character is her struggle with low self esteem and how this affects her normally happy disposition. she loves people and loves interacting with them, but there's always that horrible feeling gnawing at her insisting that they have no interest in her.

Romulus

"You were a child who was made of glass You carried a black heart passed down from your dad If somebody loved you they'd tell you by now"

That's Okay - The Hush Sound

this just so happens to be like one of the most recent songs on Romulus' playlist and boy does it make me think of how he's trying to come to terms with his father's emotional abuse and shitty childhood that he misses sometimes despite himself :)

lyric meme :)

#this was so. mean #corvyknight #admitted evil intention too #ask meme #oc; tex #oc; cobalt bishop-king #oc; rosemary rosario #oc; romulus

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islandpcosjourney · 2 years

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Day 24 – May ’22 challenge

1st June 2022

So, I’ve been trying to get through to the hospital since Monday morning, to find out about the date for my op. Turns out when they send you a pre-op appointment and ask you to call to confirm within 7 days (or they’ll assume you can make the appointment) means that you can try every day for 3 days and only get an answer machine – what is wrong with these outdated systems?! It was a number for the outpatient’s department which I know has been an unmanned reception area since the pandemic hit! 🤦🏻‍♀️ So the only option has been to leave a message, which I wasn’t going to do coz essentially my appointment is fine, I just wanted to enquire about the date for the subsequent op, which was no doubt a different department, but still, I had no other contact available to me.

Anyway, this afternoon, I got a blocked call coming through to my mobile, so I answered it and here was somebody wanting to talk to me about op dates – yay! Pre-op assessment is on the 13th, and they wanted to book me in for the 15th – efficient! Only, Kevin is due home that evening and I’m going to go ahead and assume that after a GA, I shouldn’t be driving myself home, so I asked nicely if another date was available, for which I was given the following week. All the while she was on the phone, I could feel my blood pressure rising – from a phone call! Clearly after writing about feeling comforted on Sunday when singing Psalm 103, that comfort hasn’t yet translated into reduced fear. I am terrified.

I’m not sure what I’m irrationally terrified of?! I watch plenty of hospital-drama programmes, I’m fascinated by it all but when it comes to anything happening to me, my heart starts beating like the clappers. The rational side of me knows full well that all the tests they’ll be doing at the pre-op appointment will be to check that I am fit to be put under GA, that’s the whole point of the assessments. But I reckon it’s the fear of the unknown, perhaps having seen too many “oopsies” moments on these drama programmes, where unknown issues occur, and they’re faced with emergency situations. I don’t for one second think that it’ll happen to me, but I think that these thoughts, irrational though they are, are buried deep in my mind and it’s causing some unwanted anxieties to appear. I’m kinda hoping that on the 13th, I’ll get to discuss some of these fears with someone who can just empathise and put my mind at ease.

In terms of on the op day, Kevin has been through this kind of admission with me before, for my heart op in 2014. I know he’ll stay calm even when I’m not, in any way, therefore he’s perfect for the role! I’ve also decided not to work the remainder of the week after it. Only 2 days, but still, I’m feeling a little more relaxed knowing that I’ve got work for the whole of the summer and therefore don’t need to worry about earning as much as possible before the end of term – a big sigh of relief!

What I must focus on is the end result – getting rid of the large lump on my side. My waist will no longer have a protruding area which means my belts/dresses won’t ride up on one side anymore – yay! Thoughts then turn to, how much will the lump weigh? 1lb? 2lbs? It’s so tough to know but I’ll weigh myself that morning and then after and we’ll see! Unless perhaps they’ll weigh it? Before then, I’ll juice as much as possible, with the aim to lose ½ to a full stone before then. I won’t hold my breath but aiming high (or low in terms of the numbers on the scales!) is the best plan! Every pound of weight off me will help my health for the op so the momentum is now in full swing, and my motivational reasons are back to health again.

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impala1967dwinchester · 3 years

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Dean Winchester: Hurting inside and out

*Credit to the gif owner*

Pairing: AU!History Teacher!Dean x Student!Reader

Pov: Dean (Reader to aged to be 16 and in high school)

Warnings: tw: Abuse tw: Only child tw: Mental health tw: Panic Attacks tw: Anxiety Attacks tw: Anxiety tw: Abuse of a child tw: Chacater Death mentioned tw: Drunk parent tw: Drinking, Protective! Dean, crying, consoling the reader, Mad! Dean, CPS Involved, Adoption of the reader, Talking a little about the past, Mature Content.

Summary: Mr. Winchester is starting to notice and worry about the changes he is seeing in his brightest, and most social student after all of a sudden she becomes quiet and wants to be left alone.

Word Count: 2.6k

A/N- This is for @band--psycho Comfort list.

Main Masterlist

Dean Winchester Masterlist

Taglist- @akshi8278 @deanswaywardgirl @hit-meup69 @doctorlilo @wonderfulworldofwinchester

“Alright class, do you have any questions before we have independent work?” I asked the large class of students. I saw the girl in the front of the class raised her hand. She always has her hand up in the air. Always wanting to learn more about history.

“Yes, Y/n what’s your question?” I asked Y/n, she lowered her arm and said proudly. “What can we do if we have already completed our assignment?” I was used to that from her. She’d finish her assignments early and then have thirty minutes to sit there. She’d sit and read her book, or complete other assignments for classes.

“Well, if you’re already done. Then you, Miss, L/n can read your book, or help other students.” I said walking over to my desk to sit down. Y/n was a teacher's pet, but I tried to lean away from making her think that she was that way in class. I know what it’s like to be a teacher pet

I hadn’t even got to take a breath yet before Y/n was standing in front of my desk with her paper assignment in hand. “Here you go, Mr. Wincheste,r” Y/n said handing me her paper. “Thank you Miss L/n.” I said taking it and then she walked back over to her desk.

Later on that day I called the main office, telling the very nice desk lady that I needed Y/n L/n to come back to my classroom to talk with you about being a student cadet. The front desk lady said okay, and at the end of the day, Y/n was coming walking into my classroom for the second time.

Her backpack is steady on her shoulders. “Yes, Mr. Winchester.” She said sitting down in her normal seat in class. “How was the rest of your day, Miss L/n?” I asked. Giving her a confused look. “Mr. Winchester I thought I was here for detention or something like that?” She said. Starting to mess with her fingers.

"God no, I wanted to talk to you about becoming a teacher's cadet for next semester’s class. It would nice if you'd be able to help me grade papers, make up lesson plans y'know the normal things." I said fidgeting with the pen in between my fingers.

After this semester ends Y/n will not be coming back. So, the only way to get Y/n to come back would be to my class if she became my student cadet.

I waited silently in my office chair. Softly tapping, the nose of my shoe on the floor to the beat of some rock song. "Yeah, I will become a teacher's cadet. I'll become your teacher's cadet." She said a slow smile starting to grow on her face.

This…This teaching, and that wide was the one reason I keep coming to work. Knowing that my little ol' history class is making them so overjoyed. That's what makes me know that I'm doing the best I can at my job.

“All right, so next semester I’ll see you. Remember you’re here to help me. So don’t worry about things okay.” I said getting up from my desk chair and moving around. Y/n stayed in her same position. “You can go Y/n.” I stated.

It looked almost as if she had zoned out, but it’s whatever. “Yes, I do have to get going. Thank you, Mr. Winchester.” That’s all she said before she walked out of my classroom. Christmas break came fast and then it was over, I had ended up going to my parent’s house to see my sister and brother-in-law.

With Christmas and New Year over I was very much ready to see the new kids that I was going to have, and I was more than happy to have Y/n as my teacher cadet. The whole idea of her taking some stress off my shoulders was nice, it was wonderful actually.

For the first few weeks of the new semester Y/n was great she’d get all the regulatory things printed, some tested graded, she’d come to my class during her lunchtime and help me with more grading.

Yeah, I’m one of those teachers who make a shit ton of their students work into grades. The only thing I had to do was print the syllabus out. She’d walk in with her backpack slung over her shoulders, but a bright and wide smile on her face. I’d talk to the class and get the students in order before bringing my attention back to Y/n.

But that slowly started to change as our class progressed into the new year. Y/n wouldn't come in with a smile on anymore, she’d have her earbuds in and to be honest, the music was always blaring. “She’d slump into her seat at the front of the class.

Students would try to say hi or even just try to start a conversation. She’d ignore them, and pull out the tests she had scored the previous day. It started to concern me when she came to school with a large black hoodie, and in a rather bad mood. It was starting to look as if she was losing that bright star inside her.

That bright star that had made her shine in my class just last semester. That bright smile made all the students this year enjoy this class just a little bit more. I let it continue until she wasn’t showing up for class anymore, wasn’t returning graded tests, or coming to the lunch to help me anymore.

I called the front desk and asked the lady to have Y/n come down to my class that I needed her for a teacher and teacher cadet conversation. The front desk lady was able to call down to whatever class Y/n was in and have her jot that note down.

I waited for after school to end to start to worry when Y/n didn’t show up in my classroom. But the worry was forgotten when I heard the soft knocks on my door. “Y/n, can you please come to sit?” I asked her.

Her backpack sat low on her shoulder, her hair in a messy bun, smeared make-up, a dark sweater on, with sagging sweats on. She looked like a wreck, a tragic wreck. Or maybe she sort of looked like that popular game Jenga, if somebody pulled the wrong block who knows what will happen.

She sat down carefully to keep her bag still in her possession. “Y/n, is there anything you want to talk about?” I asked, prying a little too far into the very normal high situation. This just seemed different. How she had changed so quickly, or far off the deep end she had fallen.

I felt like I had to save her. I felt like I was her only saving grace. She hummed, but didn’t dare look up at me. “You can take all the time you need, Y/n. We’re in no rush.” I said trying my best to console her. Make her feel comfortable.

“I can tell you anything right? Mr.Winchester?” She asked, her voice shy and timid. Barely even looking up at me. “Of course,” I said trying not to sound over-excited that I had seen something and now she was communicating with me. All students should feel comfortable with their teachers, or at least one of their teachers to tell them how they're feeling at any given point in time.

She took what looked like a deep breath in and started; “So, lately life at home has been rough, things between my dad and I are kinda on bad terms. I know that as a teacher’s cadet I can’t let things like that bother me, but it’s hard to. And yeah I know I’m different, but Mr. Winchester I promise I’m still the same girl I was before. I promise you I’ll get better.” I went to go raise my hand.

She flinched and ducked under her crossed arms. A slight string of rage ran through me. I myself took a deep breath trying my hardest to find a consoling and nurturing voice. “Y/n please slow down, and take a breath if you don’t you’ll end up having a panic or anxiety attack,” I said to be careful to not scare her off.

“That's what it’s called?” She said. “How many other times have you felt like this?” I asked, now worried about whether or not this was being taken care of at home. She was trying her hardest to regain some sort of rhyme to her breath.

“In the past week?” She asked, her hands starting to shake. “Yeah sure let’s go with that. Also, can I touch your hand, so I can try and help you?” I asked. She hummed, “I’d say maybe like 5 in the past week.” She said.

“Y/n, Have you told anyone else? Maybe your father?” I asked, pushing further into Y/n personal business. There was a split second of a stutter, a pregnant pause laid between the two of us. “Y/n?” I asked again.

“No… I… I didn’t kno… I can’t tell my father.” She finally said. The pauses and stutters between her words gave me goosebumps. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if as a teenager I couldn’t talk to my parents, or even to just one parent.

Come to think of it, I wouldn’t want any of that. Not as a parent or as a child. “Y/n will you tell me why you can’t tell your father?” I asked pushing the subject even further. Wanting and needing to understand the situation the further we got into it.

“I… it’s really my fault you see.” I couldn’t help myself, my mouth opening against my own accord. “Nothing is ever your fault. Whoever told you it’s your fault is wronger than a bat outta hell.” I said my voice steadily rising.

She flinched and lowering her head. Shit, okay different approach. “It’s not your fault, Do you want to continue?” I asked She took a deep breath bringing her head back up and looking me in my eyes. “My mom died recently while coming to pick me up from a friend’s house during the winter break and now my father… he um he blames me for her death. So the animosity between my father and I in the house it’s hard to be that bright child I was.” She said taking another large deep breath of air.

Oh my god, that’s not something you blame on a child. Regardless, you never let a child feel like they have animosity with their parent. What has this world come to that this sort of action is socially acceptable.

“Can I ask why you feel that there’s animosity in your home, Y/n?” I asked making my voice softer and trying to be more welcoming. “Well, it’s a usual nightly thing. Where when I come back from school he’s drunk asleep hopefully. The longer I’m home though the worse it gets for me. He starts to yells and scream, putting me down in every which way.” She said.

Her breathing becoming rapid and raged, tears starting to roll down her already red cheeks. “Y/n, I’m going to ask a serious question tap me one for yes, and twice for no. “ I said she tapped me once so I continued. “Do you... Do you feel safe at home with your father?” I asked I was starting to feel like I was overstepping a boundary an imagery one.

Well if I was overstepping a boundary then Y/n would have said something right? Hopefully, I’m not. “No, I don’t feel safe at home. Please help me,” she said desperation flowing through her words as she spoke. “Do you want me to help?” I asked worrying that she might back out of her own idea.

We sat in silence for minutes besides hearing her little snuffles. “Yes, I want your help. I want to leave that hateful, dreadful, and emotionless house. Please, anywhere but there.” She said grabbing my hand tight, and tighter as she chocked out her words.

I slightly shook my head, I was able to release one hand before grabbing for my personal phone and dialing up the child’s protective services. If this is ending, then it’s ending now and in the right way.

I was able to get an agent and was able to explain the drastic situation. The young lady that happened to pick up the phone could hear Y/n in the background asking if she was okay. “No ma’am she isn’t going to be okay, not if she knows that she has to go back to the abusive home. Please is there anything that I can do about this situation to help?” I asked, my own voice failing me and my desperation coming out.

A week later, CPS was at her father’s house, and he was told that his daughter was being taken. Taken to another home as they did their investigation. He yelled and screamed, which in turn only caused their investigation to start off on a bad hand for her father, but a better hand for Y/n.

The past week she’d been staying with me. She had no other family and when the CPS agent asked if she did y/b only started to cry and, and ended up just hugging me through the entire conversation. The agent asked me if I would be comfortable, and if I had enough space for Y/n to stay for just a little bit.

I was more than comfortable with her coming to stay. I think through the whole situation and learning more about Y/n. I had started to grow a portion of my heart that was held just for her. With Y/n being a junior and that her next year being her last in high school it was honestly more of Y/n’s choice.

“Dean.. can I stay with you? Even after this all ends.” She asked, in the past week she’d been excused from school and was staying with me. We had to get past the normal uncomfortable routines, but besides that, she was absolutely amazing to have around. To think that some person could make a kind soul like her come to tears every night was horrible and made my blood boil.

We did have to get past the “Mr. Winchester” I told her to just call me Dean since that would make us both very comfortable. Being comfortable was all I really wanted her to be. Weeks turned into months that Y/n had now become living with me. The first night she called me dad we were sitting down getting ready to watch a movie.

“Do you want popcorn? Or something else?” I had asked her. As I got up to go to the kitchen. “Popcorn is fine Dad.” She said. I just stood there for a moment a wide smiled starting to spread against my face. “What?” She finally said after she noticed I hadn’t moved. “Did you just?” I said.

“Yeah I did, now popcorn and movie please dad.”She said. She was starting to become more and more like me, these recent months. “Sure thing kiddo. Pick the movie and we’ll eat popcorn.” I said.

This wasn’t something I thought I needed. But I’m glad I have it. I’m glad that Y/n’s in my life now. To be honest I think she’d just as happy as I am.

Completed on:04/23/2021

#tw depressing stuff #tw anxiety #tw: Abuse #tw drinking #tw panic disorder #tw mental health #tw mental breakdown #tw mental disorders #only child #dean winchester #dean x reader #dean x female!reader #dean x you #dean winchster x y/n #supernatural #supernatural x reader #fanfic #band--psychos comfort

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omegalomania · 3 years

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I think tumblr ate my ask or it just didn't sent but what are your favorite Bastille songs / what are some songs you recommend?

i did NOT get this ask im very sorry anon.

it's genuinely hard for me to narrow down cause bastille is pretty up there in terms of favorite artists. i love all their shit, but a special mention goes out to their second studio album wild world since it's the one that made me a Fan

uh so here's a primer i guess i spent too much time on this lmao.

if you wanna listen to their big hits:

flaws - their first single in the uk. if you ever listened to ship playlists on 8tracks in like 2013-2015 then you've probably heard this song or a variant on it at some point.

pompeii - this is the song that really put them on the map and you definitely know it. it dominated the charts all over the place.

happier - the marshmello song that you've definitely heard before too. i think bastille wrote this for justin bieber or some shit but then decided they liked it too much to give it to him? lmao. anyway if you're not digging the version you hear on the radio all the time i recommend trying the stripped down version

good grief - their big hit off their second album. big in the uk, didn't really make as many waves elsewhere, but it's a really solid song anyway. one of those "upbeat tunes that's actually really fucking sad" ones

things we lost in the fire - another one off their first album. if you live in a wildfire area this might not be one to turn to. or maybe you'll find it cathartic idk i certainly do!!

quarter past midnight - a song about escapism, as was fitting when it was released in 2018 and equally fitting now. running away for a night of fucking around with friends, craving any kind of brief departure from the chaos of the modern world

skulls - this one was not a hit or a single and is technically a bonus track but i'm including it because once again if you ever clicked on a ship playlist on 8tracks in like 2013-2015 you've heard this one. and you know what that was justified this one is also good

if you wanna feel existentially depressed:

their whole discography. i mean i kid but i also don't. that's just kind of how bastille does it. BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS ones that hit me in particular would beeee

two evils - kind of a grim, haunting one introspecting about morality of the self.

oblivion - musing about the afterlife, love, and how time changes all of us.

those nights - contemplating what it is we seek when we plunge into reckless escapism, and the inherent loneliness of it; how even when surrounded by people there's still the pressure of the world outside, continuously coming to pieces

the draw - this one was written about the pull of pursuing a career in music vs. staying home with family and friends. in a broader sense, it can apply to a lot of things. i always felt it resonated with feelings of paranoia and displacement

winter of our youth - discusses childhood, nostalgia, and regret. if it feels like everything's slipping away, is it easier to relive the past, especially if the past is tinted rose?

sleepsong - loneliness, desperation, and the cyclical, abyss-like nature of all it encapsulates

if you want discussion of serious topics:

final hour - a bonus track off their second album that also became a bonus track off their third album? anyway this song talks about climate change and gun control. happy stuff

doom days - this one talks about, uh, everything! doomscrolling, political divides, escalating national tensions, climate change again, etc.

the currents - a song centered on political rhetoric and the power that figureheads have over the masses, the way they can orchestrate hate. basically it's not so subtly aimed at donald trump lmao, dan's literally sung it as much in a few live settings

WHAT YOU GONNA DO??? - social media addiction and the way capitalism and corporate interests have annexed our online experiences, fighting desperately for our attention as they seek to monetize every available aspect of our lives

four walls (the ballad of perry smith) - well this one is about uh. perry smith. who was charged with the death penalty for killing 4 people in the late 50's. but it's less directly about him and more a discussion of the morality of the death penalty and capital punishment

snakes - burgeoning anxieties and the impulse to turn to easy outs, like ignorance or alcoholism, to escape the world's global problems

if you want some pop culture sprinkled on top:

icarus - greek mythology. i like this one because it addresses something that i feel isn't addressed enough in discussions of this myth, which is that icarus is a very young lad. less about the pride of the fall, and more about the inherent tragedy of that.

laura palmer - the whole song is a david lynch shoutout. i've never seen twin peaks myself but the song still slaps.

daniel in the den - christian mythology. discusses the biblical tale of daniel in the lion's den and links that up to themes of betrayal and family.

poet - this one's a double feature, referencing both william shakespeare's sonnet 18 and edmund spencer's sonnet 75. also one of my favorites.

send them off! - this is another one of my favorites of theirs. it's also been described by dan as "othello meets the exorcist" and it very much delivers there

if you want something uplifting:

joy - while bastille (understandably) has a bit of reputation as a band that makes sad music about sad things, they've definitely got some happier songs in their catalogue. pun intended cha ching. this one's one of their more straightforwardly happy tunes

survivin' - this was a song they wrote while they were touring and then felt weird about releasing once the panini hit because it felt a bit on the nose. they ended up releasing it anyway and i am so glad they did cause it's a mood

act of kindness - the "happy" part here is debatable but i'm gonna include it anyway. it’s when someone does something nice for you and that impulse Changes you way down deep you know???

warmth - one of those "the world's going to shit but at least we have each other" kinds of tunes

the anchor - one of those "the world's going to shit but you're the one fucking thing that's still keeping me here" kinds of tunes

give me the future - their latest single as of this writing and one of the more optimistic tracks in their catalogue imo! it's yearning, but it's also with a genuine hope for the future.

and LASTLY. because im going to take every chance i can to plug this band. im going to throw some collabs and covers at you because there's one thing this band does SUPER well and it's collabs and covers.

of the night - this is the big one. it mashes up rhythm of the night by corona and rhythm is a dancer by SNAP! and it's so good they still do this one live and it goes off every time.

no angels - a mashup of "no scrubs" by TLC and "angels" by the xx, poured into a strangely mournful tune with clips from the hitchcock movie psycho. doesn't sound like it should work but it does. kinda really does.

torn apart - with GRADES and lizzo no less!!! it's got two parts but they're both excellent listen to them both

weapon - collab with angel haze, dan priddy, and F*U*G*Z and one of my absolute favorites

remains - remix of their song "skulls" but featuring rag'n'bone man and skunk anansie that adds an entire new dimension to the song, really fucking excellent

old town road mashup - lil nas x's old town road meets lizzo's good as hell meets radiohead's talk show host meets talking heads' road to nowhere meets the osmond's crazy horse. "what the fuck that shouldn't work" i KNOW and yet here it is!! BLATANTLY BANGING!!!

we can't stop - one of the few times dan smith subtly changes the lyrics of the song he's covering (most of the time he opts to keep the original pronouns and the like, which is very nice to see). anyway this one mixes miley cyrus's we can't stop with eminem's lose yourself and billy ray cyrus's achy breaky heart. and also the lion king's i just can't wait to be king is there. yes i know it sounds batshit especially because the whole thing is surprisingly melodic and heartfelt and you know what it works.

anyone but me x nightmares - mashing up joy crookes' anyone but me with easy life's nightmares and absolutely one of my favorites.

bad guy mashup - how many songs can they include with the word "bad" in the title? we've got bad guy (billie eilish), bad decisions (bastille), bad romance (lady gaga), and bad blood (taylor swift). bastille even has a song called bad blood and they didnt use it. they used taylor swift's version. also the distinctive guitar riff from dick dale's misirlou is there.

somebody mashup - how many songs can they include with the word "some" in the title? someone like you (adele), somebody told me (the killers), somebody to love (queen), use somebody (kings of leon), and someone you loved (lewis capaldi). seriously these guys take mashups to a new level.

final song - this is a cover of MØ's final song. it also adds in craig david's 7 days and, impossibly enough, europe's final countdown. how does it work. how.

ALL RIGHT. THATS ALL IVE GOT IN ME. HOPE THIS HELPED ANON AND IM SORRY IF THIS IS TOO MUCH

#askin hours #anon #bastille #ill put this in the bastille tag why not #this is predominantly a fall out boy blog but if any bastille bloggers are out there....all like 20 of you....#i see the work u do in this fandom and i love u for it

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bookwrm99 · 3 years

Text

Sweet Dreams pt. 1

So, I've had to switch my medication recently for my anxiety, and it's been a bit rough. I normally have a bit of a problem with nightmares because of stress, but since starting Effexor it's been like... on steroids. One of my ways of coping with my mental health is writing, so I've started working on an Obey Me! series of short fics with each of the brothers comforting an MC who's been suffering from long-term night terrors as a medication side-effect. I debated about whether to post them or not, but ultimately I feel like if they can be comforting reads to someone else in a similar situation to mine, of course I'd want to share them! So, here's part one with Lucifer. Please know this is based on my own personal experiences with my anxiety and medications- mental health isn't one-size-fits-all, and everybody experiences it differently on all fronts. Not everybody will experience anxiety the way MC does in these fics, and that's okay! MC is not meant to be representative of everyone everywhere who has ever dealt with having an anxiety disorder- I personally think such a thing is impossible anyway. That being said, please practice good reader discretion if mental health is a hard topic for you- the last thing I want to do is harm someone else's mental health with my writing. I'll post specific trigger warnings just above the cut, so you'll know exactly what you're getting yourself into before you continue!

Now that the long disclaimer is out of the way... I hope that you enjoy this small fic series, reader! It was cathartic for me to write, and I hope they can bring comfort to others too.

Genre: Comfort with Lucifer x gn!reader (if you squint)

Word Count: 2.2k

TW: Mentions of anxiety and treatments, depictions of anxiety and nightmare aftermath, descriptions of nightmares

Lucifer was worried.

Not that he would admit to it. He was the Avatar of Pride, and as such he had an image to maintain. After all, just because someone fails to reply to text messages and calls- or does something out of their norm, like skipping breakfast- it doesn't necessarily mean there's something dire afoot.

Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Lucifer tried to school his facial features into something close to neutral as his brothers fretted and discussed (Y/N)'s radio silence, and now their absence at breakfast. Mammon was the first to make a commotion about it, of course, causing the other brothers to slowly voice their own concerns about the resident human exchange student.

"I'm tellin' ya, it's just not like them! We ough'ta check on them. What if they caught some kind of weird human disease and died in their sleep?!" Mammon boomed out, fists clenched and resting on the table as he leaned forward over his plate.

"I highly doubt that, Mammon. I don't know of any human disease with such a quick onset and short incubation period before death. Still, it is a bit worrying. Should we make sure they're alright?" Satan, ever the voice of reason, spoke calmly, looking to the eldest to gauge his reaction to his question.

"Maybe they had a late start? I did suggest a new morning skincare regimen for them; maybe they've taken my advice?" Asmo practically crooned, no doubt preening at the thought of a small success with the exchange student- and probably thinking other impure thoughts related to them getting ready for the day.

"They need to make sure they eat. It's no good trying to learn on an empty stomach," Beel interjected, shaking his head and settling a hand on his stomach, clearly appalled at the thought of enduring that kind of experience.

Lucifer kneaded the small ache that had started to form between his eyes from his brothers' bickering and rapid-fire speculations. A sharp pain lanced through his skull from said place when Mammon brought his closed fists down on the table forcefully, rattling the dishes and forcefully pushing himself and his chair back.

"That's it, I'm checkin' on 'em! If all you guys are gonna do is sit around-"

"Enough, Mammon," Lucifer spoke, commanding the attention of all his brothers. A pregnant silence fell over the room as the Morningstar sighed, casually tossing his linen napkin onto the table beside his empty plate as he calmly pushed his chair back to stand. "I will check on them myself. The rest of you are to go about your days as normal unless you hear otherwise."

A couple of the brothers muttered angrily under their breath, but most seemed satisfied with the decision. Without another word, Lucifer strode from the room, leaving his brothers to clean up and be on their way to RAD.

When Lucifer reached (Y/N)'s room, his superhuman hearing picked up soft sniffles from within, heightening his concern about the human. He rapped his knuckles against the solid wood of the door, calling out their name gently but at a volume where he knew he would be heard. When he didn't hear them stir, and nobody came to the door, he resolved himself to intruding upon a potentially sensitive situation. "(Y/N), I'm coming in."

When he opened the door and took a couple steps across the threshold, he panicked a bit at first, not seeing any sign of (Y/N) in the room. Another small sniff allayed those fears, though, and he closed the door softly behind him, making his way into the space as he looked for the human. He finally found them curled up into a small ball on the floor in a corner of the room, out of sight of the door, their face pressed into their knees as they trembled.

The sight in front of him broke Lucifer's heart. (Y/N) had brought such brightness to his and his brothers' lives, showing them the utmost care and showering them with love they hadn't realized they were starved for. To see them like this- shaking with pent-up sobs and white knuckles as they squeezed their hands into fists- was a blow directly to the eldest's normally ice-cold heart.

"(Y/N)," he breathed, slowly approaching as if he was walking towards a frightened, injured fawn. His entire presence softened as he got down on one knee beside the upset exchange student, fighting the overwhelming urge to gently turn their face to his or pull them into his arms. "What's happened?"

(Y/N) shook their head, their arms tightening around their knees. "It's stupid. I'll be fine. Please don't worry about me- I'll be down for breakfast soon."

Lucifer's face pulled down into an even deeper frown at their words, bothered that they were so quick to invalidate themself and push comfort away. "Well- that's why I'm here. Breakfast was over an hour ago, and my brothers are worried about you."

(Y/N)'s head shot up at that, and for the first time Lucifer got a good look at their flushed, tear-stained face. "God- I'm so, so sorry, I didn't mean to worry anybody- I'm such a burden-"

Lucifer made hushing noises, and unable to restrain himself anymore he sat fully on the ground, pulling the human into his arms as they hiccupped and began to sob. When they didn't push him away and began leaning into him, he tightened his hold, rubbing small circles into their lower back as their tears soaked his left shoulder, all the while murmuring soothing words in their ear. After what seemed like a small slice of eternity, but what in reality may have only been fifteen minutes or half of an hour, the exchange student's tears slowed, then stopped altogether, though silent sobs continued to wrack their smaller frame.

Lucifer lifted his head from where he had rested it on top of theirs, leaning back slightly to see their face as he gently tilted it towards him. Red eyes looked back at him, glazed with exhaustion and something else he couldn't quite pinpoint. Reaching up with a gloved hand, he gently cupped their face in the palm of his hand, wiping away the tears he could reach with his thumb.

"You aren't a burden, (Y/N). You go out of your way for myself and my brothers, doing things nobody asked of you to lift us up and make our lives easier. We've needed somebody like you for a long time now, and if anything we are a burden on you. We worry about you because we care." Lucifer broke the silence, his voice gentle but leaving no room for argument. "I won't push you into telling me what's wrong... but if you would like to talk about it, I promise I will do everything in my power to make things right."

Their eyes wavered, then shifted to the side, a frown continuing to mar their beautiful face. "Lu, I... it means a lot to me for you to say something like that. I just... I don't think there is anything you can do, or anybody for that matter, and not for lack of wanting to."

(Y/N) paused for breath, and Lucifer waited, sensing their internal debate about disclosing their struggle to him. Finally, they sighed, sagging against him as if all the strength had just left their body. "You saw my file," they said flatly, their head against his chest. Lucifer tightened his hold around them once again, pressing his face to the crown of their head and making a small sound of affirmation.

"Did it say anything about my anxiety disorder?"

Lucifer paused. Yes, he had noted that there was a mental health condition in their profile- generalized anxiety, with therapist notes stating it had a strong social skew- but it had never come up in conversation with (Y/N) before, and with how bright and happy they usually were, he thought they might be in remission- either that, or managing it extremely well.

(Y/N) continued on before he could answer them. "Barbatos has been making sure I have my medication- which is great, since of all the SSRIs I've tried it's the only one that seems to help level me out. But, the bad thing is... my doctor didn't tell me that a lot of people experience nightmares while on it, and ever since I've started it, it seems like I'm having them almost every single night." They paused for breath, their entire body tensing up, and Lucifer began to soothingly stroke their bicep with his thumb, where his hand had settled after they shifted. "Most of the time they're really vivid and... weird? Like, I had a nightmare a few nights ago that I was leading an expedition into the far North back in the human realm, and just as we were about to reach an Inuit settlement I got lured over the side of the boat by sea monsters and drowned... which has absolutely no relevance to my life experience. Obviously. But in the moment they're so scary-" They shuddered, then continued, almost as if they couldn't stop themself now that they had started speaking. "And then other times they're those really vague ones- like, running away from something through a deep forest at night, and suddenly you're falling off a cliff. But then there's, like, maybe 25% of them that actually are relevant to me- some of the worst periods and moments of my life- and those-" They almost choked on their words at the end, and Lucifer squeezed gently, worried they might start crying again.

When they stayed silent, Lucifer spoke. "How long has this been going on?"

There was a pause before the human answered, as if they knew he wouldn't be happy. "Since before I was brought here."

Lucifer was shocked. The exchange student had been here for several months already, and he was only just now hearing about this? Another pang lanced through his heart, wondering how many other mornings they had spent like this, and he deeply regretted the thought of them spending so many nights tortured by their own mind, all alone.

"You should have come to me sooner, (Y/N). You didn't have to suffer in silence." Lucifer's tone softened the words, and he again leaned back to get a look at the expression on the exchange student's face.

"I didn't want to be- troublesome. All your brothers have their own commitments and things they do, and you especially have so much on your plate. I didn't want to disrespect anybody's time."

Just when Lucifer thought things couldn't get worse, they did. He could hear their fear of being a burden, even with their carefully chosen words. The exchange student had put themself through months of agony, all because they hadn't wanted to trouble him. The revelation deeply disturbed him. A handful of months was nothing in a demon's life, just a blip, but for a human? That was a very long time.

"You are incredibly important, to all of us. Your struggles are never a waste of our time, even if you feel they're insignificant." Lucifer spoke firmly, trying to put every ounce of the conviction he felt into his voice. He reached up again to gently turn the human's face towards him, meeting their eyes with his own crimson ones. "Please, don't put yourself through something like this again. If I can bring even a small amount of the comfort you've brought me back to you, I would move the heavens to do it. Promise me."

Their eyes glimmered, and their bottom lip trembled. "I promise," they almost whispered, their voice choked up.

Lucifer impulsively brought his face closer to theirs, softly placing a chaste kiss on their forehead. The exchange student sniffled, bringing their hands up to wipe at their face.

"I will talk to Solomon and Satan about any potions they might know of to combat your nightmares. In the meantime, please come find me in the event that they wake you up in the middle of the night. I'm no stranger to night terrors."

When they acquiesced, he smiled, satisfied. "Now, get dressed. I'm informing Lord Diavolo that we're taking a personal day off- no buts." He spoke, already seeing the protest in their eyes and on their lips, which had parted on the start of a word. "We'll do whatever you want. My treat."

Their brows furrowed. "Won't you get in trouble?"

Lucifer stood, bringing (Y/N) up with him. "Not if I'm doing it for the exchange student's benefit. I'll give you ten minutes while I make the call." The softness the Morningstar had displayed was now gone, replaced with his usual composure as he began walking towards the door, fishing his D.D.D. out of his pocket as he moved.

"Lu?"

He paused at the door, turning back to look at the human. Their eyes were glimmering in the dim light of the room, arms wrapped around their waist. Lucifer thought they were about to cry again until he recognized the sheer gratitude in their expression.

"Thank you, for this- and for everything."

Lucifer showed a soft smile, just for them. "Anything for you, (Y/N)."

#obey me swd #swd obey me #obey me #obey me!#obey me! lucifer #soft lucifer #comfort #lucifer x gn!reader

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yridenergyridenergy · 3 years

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Ongaku to Hito 2018/11 - 京 interview

If anyone is curious as to why I do not post word-for-word translations usually, here you go hahah. It is so horrible but hey, it was a short interview and not all of the translated sentences are awkward, so perhaps you can still gain something from reading this. You can still sense the poignant nature of Kyo’s statements. Somebody asked me to expand on the notes that I had posted back then.

- What have you heard from people who listened to the new album (The Insulated World)?

I haven't heard anything. In the first place, there are probably no people around me who have listened to it outside of interviewers.

- Don't you care about how the listener feels or reacts?

These days I don't care. It can't be helped if you care about that one by one (?). I just consulted with Kaoru-kun and asked him when to work on the next single.

- You're too quick *laughs*.

I want to move forward to the next (project).

- You talked about the whole album in the latest PHY volume, but now I want to focus on the theme of the new album. I think this is the first time that your feelings are expressed so specifically.

It wasn't a conscious decision, but maybe this is the first time that the album has such a high concentration of those songs. Up until now, albums maybe had two or three songs like that, but it isn't a first.

- Not only the words, but the content that you sing remains consistent.

Up until now, if an album had 10 songs, I would write them with different messages and perspectives. It was the story type and balance that I was aware of in the albums. Now, it's come to feel clever.

- You wanted to leave more to the instinct?

That's right. I also like the pictures that I draw with more scrutiny, but isn't it more powerful to follow the momentum of a single brush stroke? Is that the kind of thing I want to do now?

- Which type do you think is yours? Do you do it with concentration or do you leave it to the instinct?

I don't know, I can't view myself objectively. I defer to how I feel in the moment. Sometimes, I want to do it in detail and sometimes I want to do it in a single stroke. I don't know if it's a cycle or why it changes.

- You can't control that sensation.

Or rather than saying that I can't control it, I don't think that I would do it. Usually, after such a career, people in the music business think "that's my individuality" and they settle into things that they are comfortable with. But I don't like that. I feel like I'm alive by sticking to something called "my individuality".

- I think that there are people who think that "the strength is consistent from beginning to end".

I think that it's cool if someone sticks to that personality, but I don't want to be that way, because I'm not satisfied with myself at all.

- You also mentioned that in the previous interview.

Yeah. My anxiety towards myself only increases as I get older... I think that I would be very desperate if I met myself when I started playing in bands. Something like: "Huh? Seriously? Is that so?"

- Is it that painful?

Maybe if I looked at myself now, I would think that I stopped being in bands. Saying: "It's that tough? Well then, let's find something else."

- However, this new album contains poetry from a person who suffers from such anxiety and despair. If it were someone in their 20s, it could still feel unripe, but it's a mature adult who is still suffering like that because he cannot recognize himself.

That's right.

- So we can come to terms with ourselves somewhere, live normally. But since it's Kyo-kun, you can't.

That's right, I can't. For example, I think that a lot of our fans are also getting older together, everyone will grow up. Whether it's at work or in a home environment, growing up in such situations, we don't say that we are worried or that it's tough.

- You simply start coming to terms with it.

Looking around, what I'm singing right now, I don't think that it can be understood very much. Like, "Is that person still saying this?" Actually, when I've overcome that kind of self-consciousness, the lyrics that I write are better. I'm sure that it will connect with adult fans. But I think... to me it remains impossible.

- I think that it's understandable that fans sing here enough.

No, I think that there are various people. I think that those who can't connect will ever connect at all. So if I wanted to reach those people from the beginning, I wouldn't have written (those lyrics).

- You're not looking for empathy, from the beginning.

That's correct. As early as the first phrase of the first song, could it be done for real? I couldn't do things such as aim at the bottom or seek for people to sympathize with me. You can only sell yourself. As that feeling passes through the years, it becomes sharper. It feels like my real self is getting cornered more and more.

- How do you feel about people other than yourself who produce music and lyrics similar to yours?

I wonder... I don't know, but I'm probably happy. There are a lot of people who do what I do, but it's all fabricated or similar to lies. But if there's someone who really does it with pure feelings like me, I'd say "I wasn't the only one" and we would connect. Even if it's a misunderstanding.

- Maybe if you find someone with an existence similar to yours, you won't deny yourself that much. But you haven't been able to find such a person. That's why you wrote those songs in the album (The Insulated World).

Isn't that so?

- In other words, what's revealed in those songs is that you feel lonely within yourself. And you're giving up and coming to terms that it's something that will never go away.

The loneliness... It will never disappear. That's my biggest problem. No matter what I do or with who, I'm always lonely. I think that everyone feels some loneliness, but I wonder if everyone is living with loneliness like this? I'm always lonely like that.

- You have many feelings of being the only one lonely like that?

I don't know. Everyone has felt lonely and I think that they may have experienced something similar. But, everyone... Do they keep living with such loneliness? Do you hide your loneliness and take a peace-sign photo or something? That, it seems that you have a strong heart. Because personally, I can't do it.

- You think that this kind of person is strong?

I think that they're stronger. Even if they are lonely, they laugh and try hard to move forward. I really admire them.

- I don't know if it's strength, because they might not see or feel that loneliness.

You can't pretend not to see it. It's in here *hits chest* all the time. Even if I try not to think about loneliness, right here *chest* that's the scene that can be found. It's tough.

- To compensate these feelings, people could lean toward drinking alcohol, finding a girl, or going to live shows. In Kyo-kun's case, how do you fulfill this?

My job.

- Hahahahaha

Since you know how much work I do, I think that you can see (what I mean).

- But work... It can be lonely too *laughs*.

But at the moment I feel like I'm alive only by working, or being involved in bands and music. So I'm still happy with this kind of work.

- It's really like you said.

When I say my work, isn't it remaining in shape and expressing myself? So only when I'm working, the loneliness is filled. I can't do that elsewhere. Even if I go hang out with someone or something like that, nothing remains... The feeling of emptiness afterward when I come back and am alone again is out of this world. Somehow all alone.

- By the way, it's something that you said before. Even if you hang out or drink with everyone (in the band) after, you feel yourself becoming cold.

Right. By the way, I went out to eat with the other band members for the first time in a long time. We've known each other for a long time, but me, I didn't know what to talk about.

- Why?

I don't know. But when I eat with a band member whom I've known for 20 years, it's like that. Everyone was talking in a friendly manner. Somehow... I'm jealous. In those times, when I see people who are having fun, I feel very sad. Like, why can't I just enjoy myself?

- You can't force yourself to enjoy it?

It would be fun if that was possible. But I can't do it, at all.

- What do you feel would happen to you if you didn't have a way to express yourself?

Hm... What would happen. I don't know at all. Would I not be doing strings of 100 posts on Twitter a day *laughs*?

- Hahahahaha

I feel like I would spew out all the bad things. But I don't have to do that because of my work. I do almost everything from home. So, that's going in the right direction for me. I'd say it's not bad at all. But, the loneliness is here all the time. It will never disappear.

- I was wondering if you would get some balance of mind by doing sukekiyo, but what would you say about that yourself?

Due to the wider range of expression (more songs and different atmospheres), I think it's really good because the songs can be released immediately. But... unlike in DIR, all the members beside me are juniors, so I bear a sense of responsibility, right? I found it a little difficult.

- Right. I thought that you would evolve and find balance by carrying the band sukekiyo and find it easier to live.

It doesn't change.

- Yeah. That's what you are trying to convey in this album, trying to find people like that, especially with the song Followers.

I agree. For example... If I say anything about myself, I suppose that there is one person who understands everything. It seems like I'm going to be the least hurt by going to a place where no one knows me and that I live self-sufficiently, like with that person. I feel it's the only way to live the happiest though...

- But I think that there isn't anyone like that.

I know that. Like the sense of unity in a live show, I'm always looking for something that seems to be visible and invisible. I knew it was an illusion a long time ago. Even though I understand that, I don't want to give up. If I give up there... I feel like I would break.

- That's why you've got songs like Followers and Ranunculus here.

Right. No matter how much despair I sing, I still want to see the light. I want to sing towards that. If we stay only in the darkness, we wouldn't be able to move forward anymore.

- Both songs are (laid) bare, aren't they? Up until this point, I think that you were getting ready to make songs on such innocent feelings.

But in order to make people believe, isn't it necessary for me to have laid myself bare so far? If you try to hide it even a little, it wouldn't be believable. Of course, by exposing myself so far, I'm scared to get hurt in the end. If I open the lid, then maybe only one person is waiting for me there. But for me, that one person is important.

- You've really always been looking for that one person, isn't that right?

If really, I can convey 100% of my thoughts to that one person, then I don't mind if someone else attacks me. Feelings exempt of impurities, that's what's important to me.

- That person is why... But I want you to be happy.

But if I become happy, there would no longer be an artist named Kyo. So... It's a cruel world. *laughs*

#yeah some of my initial notes were not very accurate upon review #I am so bad especially with the lack of pronouns #having to guess whether they mean I you they or we #no accuracy claimed #Dir en grey #京 #Kyo #interview #translation #The Insulated World #ongaku to hito #音楽と人 #magazine

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anxious-logic · 4 years

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The Sides of a Haunting

Inspired by that one post on here that’s like “what if Nico thinks Thomas is haunted but it’s actually just the sides”

I ended up changing it a little bit from the post because I liked my version better

Warnings: Ghost mention, haunting mention, Virgil swears a little, Janus and Remus aren’t unsympathetic but they’re not really sympathetic either, they’re just hanging out

Word count: 2832 (this is what happens when I don’t set arbitrary deadlines for myself)

Summary: Nico’s pretty sure Thomas is haunted. Weird things keep happening around him - things that can’t be explained in this realm of existence. But does Nico really want to deal with another existential crisis?

Something was going on with Thomas.

The first time Nico had come over to Thomas’s house, he’d noticed a few weird things; Thomas kept whispering to himself (what Nico could hear sounded like one side of a conversation) and he would look at something, blink, and then it’d move. Originally, he’d just put it down to nervousness; both of them were tense at the situation, so his mind must have been playing tricks on him.

But then as they had gotten to know each other better and spending more time together, he’d noticed more… weird things.

He’d see some items float in front of him for a minute, before Thomas would hiss something, and then the floating thing would either drop suddenly or vanish altogether. Nico would knock on Thomas’s bathroom door because he’d been in there for a long time, and he would hear Thomas shushing somebody.

Then there would be the times when Thomas’s hair or clothes would move, when they were inside without any significant air flow. His hair would ruffle itself, sometimes, or his shirt would straighten. Sometimes his collar would turn the right way out, or his pants would even out.

Even weirder, he’d occasionally see something out of the corner of his eye. A flash of purple, usually, although sometimes it was red. Once he’d seen light blue, and then yellow right after that.

And then there were the reflections.

He’d be walking with Thomas outside, and he’d notice their reflection in one of the windows of the shops. Except it wasn’t just him and Thomas – there were other people, too, who looked almost identical to Thomas except for very small differences. But then he’d look again, and they’d disappear. It happened in mirrors, windows, he even could have sworn he saw something in his phone camera once.

And then!

There were six people that Thomas kept mentioning – Virgil, Roman, Patton, Logan, Janus, and Remus. He barely mentioned Janus, and Remus even less than that, but he’d say something about how “Patton said” this, and “Logan would say” that, and “Virgil would love” something that Nico had said, and “Roman thinks” Disney is the ultimate franchise.

The thing was… he mentioned them almost more than he mentioned some of his other friends, and Nico had never met them. Thomas hadn’t mentioned anything about them living far away; there had been no FaceTimes that Nico was aware of; and yet, Thomas would bring up something that one of them had said “yesterday” or “last week” or even “earlier today”.

So, yeah, something was going on.

If he didn’t know better, he’d say that Thomas was… haunted, maybe. Except that Thomas seemed to be very familiar with these… ghosts, for lack of a better term; from what Nico could figure, when Thomas was in the bathroom, he was talking to them. He didn’t sound scared (at least not most of the time).

So yeah, Nico was confused. And he wasn’t sure if he… wanted to bring this up with Thomas. It would be nice, sure, to know what was going on with him, but he didn’t want to deal with an existential crisis if the explanation was something… otherworldly.

Sue him, he’d had an existential crisis when he figured out he was gay. One was enough to tide him over until he was at least fifty.

Nico rocked back and forth on his feet as he waited for Thomas to open the door. They were going to hang out for a bit today – Nico had suggested going on a picnic, but Thomas said he wasn’t sure if he was up for a more formal outing, so they might just be staying in and watching movies together.

Suddenly, he heard voices from inside. He perked up, absentmindedly checking that his hair and clothes were in order.

“We’re going to scare him away,” Nico heard, muffled through the door. The voice was deep and forceful.

“No we won’t, kiddo!” another voice said. This one was lighter, more bubbly.

“We can’t continue leading him on,” a loud voice added. Well, louder than the rest of them.

“Falsehood.”

Nico was surprised by how close this voice was. He stepped back from where his ear was pressed up to the door, whirling his arms to try to avoid falling down the steps.

It didn’t work.

The voices inside the house went silent as Nico crashed down the steps, rattling the railing on the steps and groaning as he hit the bottom. There was a second when everything went quiet, and then someone opened the door.

Even though he looked identical to Thomas, something about him just felt… different. He was wearing glasses, for one thing, which Nico had never seen before. He was wearing a black polo shirt, and a blue necktie (which… well, Nico was pretty sure Thomas would only put on a necktie if there was a reason, and a date with him was not something that would fall under that category).

“Are you injured?” the stranger asked. Nico blinked as his brain short-circuited as another person appeared behind the stranger. This one was also identical to Thomas and also wearing glasses, but had on a light blue polo and a gray cardigan tied around his shoulders.

“Oh, kiddo, are you okay? Is anything broken?”

Nico shook his head slowly, propping himself up on his forearms. “…Nothing’s broken, no.”

The man in the tie nodded. “Optimal. Thomas?”

Then Thomas pushed past the two men in the doorway, his face panicked. He ran down the front steps, crouching in front of Nico.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” he asked, his hands fluttering over Nico.

“I’m fine,” Nico said. He could feel a soft smile spreading across his face – they’d been dating for three whole months, and he still couldn’t help turning into a smitten preteen around Thomas.

“Here,” Thomas said, offering a hand to help Nico up. Nico took it, lacing his fingers with Thomas’s when they stood up.

He was interrupted by a squealing noise coming from the doorway. Another man was standing there, this time without glasses. He was wearing a white jacket with gold braiding, with a red sash laying diagonally across his chest. He was the source of the noise, and was bouncing up and down and flapping his hands.

Thomas’s eyes widened, and he gave panicked glances to Nico and the men in the doorway. “Um,” he said. His breathing increased.

“Fuck,” came from the doorway. Nico looked up to see a man in an oversized hoodie and black eyeshadow under his eyes breathing quickly, his hands shaking.

Sweater turned around to face Eyeshadow. “Oh, c’mon kiddo, it’ll be okay,” he said. “Let’s all go inside, and get this figured out, okay?” He hustled Tie, Sash, and Eyeshadow inside. “We’ll be inside when you’re ready, okay Thomas?” he called behind him.

“…Okay,” Thomas said, his voice quiet. He was staring at the sidewalk, his free hand fidgeting with the material of his pants.

“You wanna introduce me to those people?” Nico asked, squeezing Thomas’s hand. He tried to make the question not too accusatory or nosey – just… an opening, if Thomas wanted.

Thomas blew out a breath, nodding to himself once. “Sure,” he said. He seemed to be steeling himself, or planning something.

He walked Nico up the steps, opening the door for him. Nico stepped in, putting his bag down next to the door. As he turned around, he was surprised to see the four people standing in Thomas’s living room.

Tie was standing just a few feet away from where Nico was right now, his hands clasped behind him. Sweater was standing in front of the back window, his hands on his hips. Sash was in front of the TV, his arms crossed and a pouty look on his face. Nico could barely see another person – Eyeshadow, maybe? – sitting on the stairs, sprawled out.

Thomas gently tugged Nico to the couch, where they sat down. The other four men looked at Thomas attentively.

“How would you like to approach this, Thomas?” Tie asked expectantly. Sash rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything.

“Just- let me handle it, for now,” Thomas said, taking a shaky breath. He closed his eyes, then shifted to face Nico, holding both of his hands.

“So… Nico…” he started, his voice hesitant. Nico nodded encouragingly. “So, this is kinda weird. But… this is Patton,” Sweater waved, “Roman,” Sash bowed to Nico, “Virgil,” Eyeshadow gave a two-fingered salute, “and Logan,” Tie gave a polite nod. “They’re… aspects of my personality. That I can manifest. Into people. That can affect the real world.”

Nico blinked, thinking about it. He looked up at the other four people. Sweater – Patton – had a… hopeful look on his face. Roman looked like he was preparing for ultimate failure, and Virgil had a look in his eyes like he was ready to run. Logan was simply staring at Nico, his face impassive.

“Okay,” he said slowly. “Aspects of your personality – who’s what, then?”

All of the others immediately brightened – although Nico noticed that Logan seemed to tamp down his excitement quickly, returning to a neutral expression.

“I’m Thomas’s Morality!” Patton exclaimed happily. “I help him figure out what’s right and wrong, I tell dad jokes, and I try to keep the spirits up!”

“I’m his Creativity,” Roman said, then paused. A strange expression crossed his face, before he shook his head quickly and continued. “I help Thomas think of video ideas and help him with his parts in acting productions. I’m also a… manifestation of the ego, and am a part of his romantic feelings-”

“I’m his Anxiety,” Virgil interrupted. “’Nuff said.”

Logan adjusted his tie. “I am a manifestation of his Logic,” he said. “I am in possession of a majority of his knowledge, as well as the one in charge of monitoring his diet, water intake, and sleep schedule.”

Nico nodded at the introductions, mentally taking notes on all of them. Then he remembered.

“Oh – I remember, you talked about… Janus? And Remus? Are they… the same thing? Or, um. Types of people? I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s offensive.”

Thomas gave a little smile, then sighed. “Uh… yeah. I don’t… really… talk to them as much as these four, but yeah.”

“Would you like to meet them?” Logan asked.

“Why?!” Roman exclaimed. “It doesn’t- If Thomas doesn’t talk to them much, then why should Nico meet them…?” He trailed off as Logan raised his eyebrows at him.

“They are parts of Thomas, and Nico wants to know Thomas better. Is that correct?” Logan turned to Nico for confirmation.

“Yeah, I’d say that,” Nico said slowly.

“Perfect. Therefore, it makes the most sense that Nico meets Janus and Remus now, rather than putting it off.”

Thomas bit his lip. “Okay, I think- I think I’m going to say that Janus is my Deceit, he’s in charge of… basically, when I lie and what I do to lie? And Remus is… the other side of Creativity. He has… the thoughts I don’t like to think about. And the creative things that I just… generally don’t like.”

Nico nodded, squeezing Thomas’s hand sympathetically. “Okay,” he said. “I mean- you don’t have to introduce me, if you don’t want, but I’d love to if you’re open to it.”

Thomas took a deep breath, and nodded. He gestured with his hand twice, once towards Roman and once towards Logan. A person suddenly appeared next to each of them. Roman’s neighbor was dressed in a sparkly black shirt with a green sash – almost the exact opposite of Roman’s outfit. Logan’s was dressed in a dramatic overcoat and a half-cape, with yellow gloves and a hat.

“This is Remus,” Thomas introduced, wincing as he gestured at Roman’s partner, “and this is Janus.” He gestured at the dramatic-looking man next to Logan.

“Hello,” Janus said smoothly. “It is… wonderful to meet Thomas’s new… infatuation.”

Nico frowned a little bit, but Roman jumped in before he could think about that sentence too hard. “He is not an infatuation! He is Thomas’s wonderful, incredible, talented boyfriend, and we-”

Roman cut himself off, looking at Thomas. They were both blushing immensely.

“We care for him very much,” he concluded, looking down and away from everyone else. It seemed like there was more that he wanted to say, but he didn’t continue.

“I certainly care for him one way…” Remus put in, wiggling his eyebrows and shimmying his shoulders. Nico saw Virgil wince, and Roman gave Remus an offended look.

“As much fun as this was, Thomas, Remus and I have… things to go back to,” Janus said suddenly. He sunk into the floor to disappear, allowing Logan to step back into his place.

“I’ll see you later tonight, Thomas!” Remus giggled, wiggling his fingers at Thomas before sinking down as well.

Thomas winced. “Well, that was… an experience,” he said. He looked up nervously to meet Nico’s eyes. “Are you… okay…? With this?”

Nico nodded. “Of course,” he said. “I can’t say I… completely understand it, yet. But I’m not going to… break up with you, or something, over this.”

Virgil let out a deep breath from his spot on the stairs, surprising Nico a little bit. “Okay, now that that’s been determined, I’m going to go back to my room. Bye.” He sunk through the stairs and disappeared, leaving Nico blinking at the place he had been sitting.

“Sorry about that, kiddo,” Patton said, drawing Nico’s attention. “He’s a little… high-strung, sometimes – not that that’s a bad thing! – so he needs some… relaxing time, sometimes.”

Nico gave Patton a tiny smile. “I understand,” he said.

“I am going to check up on Virgil,” Logan announced. “Thomas, I hope this has helped your inner dilemma. Roman, I will talk to you in,” he checked his watch, “three hours and twenty-seven minutes.”

He sunk out as well, leaving Nico and Thomas with only Roman and Patton.

“I… very much enjoyed the chance to meet you,” Roman said, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I am going to prepare for my meeting with Logan now.”

“Bye,” Nico said, giving Roman a tiny wave.

“Sounds good,” Thomas said, giving Roman a smile.

Roman went away as the others had, his hands positioned dramatically.

“It was really nice to meet you in person, kiddo,” Patton said, looking towards Nico. “I liked seeing you hang out with Thomas when I was invisible, but it’s not quite the same, is it? Anyway, I’m going to leave you two alone, and let you talk for a little bit. See you later!”

Nico blinked rapidly as Patton sunk down, processing what he said.

“Wait,” he said, meeting Thomas’s eyes. “Were they- following us? On our dates?”

Thomas rubbed the back of his neck (just like Roman had, Nico noticed). “Um… yeah, I don’t… I don’t know what to say. They like to come out and see things in their body instead of just… in my head, I guess?” He laughed uncomfortably. “They’d… follow behind, sometimes. Give me… advice, on what to do.”

Nico leaned forward, intrigued. “Did you… follow it?”

Thomas tilted his head back and forth. “That… depends on the situation and who was out. Roman? Usually not. Logan? Usually yes, unless it was… very directly asking you to copulate with me, in which case I didn’t.”

Nico let out an embarrassingly high-pitched giggle. “Copulate?”

“Uhhh… yeah. He’s not the best with social interaction, but I love him anyway.”

Nico smiled, squeezing Thomas’s hands. They sat in silence for a few moments, before Nico had a realization.

“You’re not haunted!”

Thomas looked at him like he had grown two extra heads, a spare foot, and half an arm. “What?”

“Well, I kept seeing things in mirrors and reflections. And then there were floating things that just… disappeared, or things that moved by themselves. Or sometimes I’d hear you shushing people or talking to someone in the bathroom, or your hair and clothes would move when there wasn’t a breeze.”

Thomas’s eyes widened, before he threw his head back to laugh. “Oh, that’s hilarious,” he said. “I never thought about that, gosh!”

Nico found himself unable to stop the grin spreading across his face at Thomas’s laugh.

“Really, though,” Thomas said once he had calmed down a little. “Thank you for… being so okay with the whole thing.”

“Of course,” Nico said, leaning forward just a little to get his point across. “I don’t care.”

“It’s just- I’ve thought through a lot of different scenarios, and none of them turn out very well, and it was… honestly really nice to have someone respond positively to the sides.”

“Sides?”

“Oh, it’s – it’s what we call them. They’re sides of my personality. Sanders Sides?”

Nico gave a little giggle. “That’s clever,” he said.

Thomas perked up, with a tiny, hopeful smile on his face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Nico squeezed his hand. “I like that.”

#ts spoilers #ts fanfic #ts thomas #ts nico #karrot kings #ts roman #ts virgil #ts patton #ts logan #i can write sometimes

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kozozaki · 3 years

Text

The Blame - Ranboo x Reader Chapter 3

Y/n ended up falling asleep at Tommy's house from a combination of stress and just plain tiredness. She yawned quietly and started climbing the ladder, walking towards L'manburg. She got to the top of the staircase before stopping abruptly.

"What the hell?!" She ran towards the now walled-in country, running her hand against the rocky obsidian. She could hear the angry and confused voices of Tubbo and Big Q on the other side. "Guys?" Y/n yelled to get their attention.

"Y/n?" Tubbo said from behind the wall

“Tubbo, what is this wall? Why is this here?”

“That’s exactly what I want to know!”

Y/n dug a small hole in the wall. “I haven’t seen you in a while so I came to L’manburg, but this isn’t what I was expecting…” she looked through the window of the camarvan to see Quackity yelling at Tommy. Her eyes narrowed, she knew why the walls were there, and she knew who put the walls up too.

“Y/n, let’s get inside the van, Fundy will be here soon,” Tubbo said. She nodded but didn’t go into the van yet.

“Y/n, do you know what happened to my house?” George was there. She froze.

“Something happened to your house?” She played dumb.

“Yeah, it was burnt and robbed. Dream said it was Tommy.” Of course Dream said it was Tommy. He wasn’t wrong per-se, but Dream was always out to get Tommy in one way or another, and it pissed Y/n off.

“Is that why there are walls around L’manburg?” George nodded. She looked at the town center, more specifically Ranboo. He didn't have his sunglasses on. His eyes were heterochromatic, one green, and one red. They looked really pretty.

Ranboo gave Y/n a worried look, basically asking if she was okay. She nodded and waved. He waved back, still looking concerned. Tommy, Quackity, Tubbo, and Fundy exited the camarvan. “Let’s go speak to Dream,” Tubbo suggested. No one answered, but everyone followed.

“What are you doing here, Y/n?” Tommy asked.

“Tommy, I can’t go one day without waking up and being pissed at my brother,” she admitted. They were far enough behind the others now that they wouldn’t hear, “Tommy, they have no idea Ranboo and I were involved, they’ve tunnel-visioned on you. I would take the blame from you, but they wouldn’t care, they would just punish us both. If Ranboo gets blamed, I’m gonna take the heat for him.”

“But Y/n-”

“No, Tommy, I’m gonna take the criticism for him, and that’s final, no objections. His life is probably worth 3 times as much as mine, so it’ll be more beneficial.”

“I won’t argue with you, but I will argue that your life is equal to or higher than everyone’s, at least agree to that,” Tommy hated when she put herself down like that.

“I would be lying if I said I agree with you,” she said in a monotone voice.

“Tch. Look, it’s the green bastard.”

“Dream. Why did you build these walls around L’manburg?” Tubbo asked. Ghostbur was saying the other day how everyone seemed to prefer him dead than alive, but if Y/n were being honest, even in Wilbur’s slightly psychotic state, she would have preferred him as the president.

“Just as an incentive,” Dream looked at Y/n. She longed to rip that patronizing smile off his face. He knew she helped, but he was waiting to see if she would throw herself under the bus to save Ranboo. He knew her more than she knew herself, “If Tommy doesn’t get punished for griefing George’s house soon, the walls will expand.”

Tubbo thought it over for a moment, “Let’s go to the courthouse.”

Once the group arrived, Tommy was put in a holding cell. Quackity was speaking to him. Y/n was sat next to Ranboo, they were both on edge. “Tommy, I’m on your side, but I have to be unbiased as possible. George, if you would like to explain what happened.”

“I’m just walking around the SMP and was told by someone who asked to remain anonymous that my home was burnt down, and I thought they were joking. So I asked them who did it, and the names I was given were Tommy, but there were two more. Y/n and Ranboo.” A series of gasps rang throughout the other members in the courthouse. Y/n immediately looked to the ground. She couldn’t defend Ranboo if they were both being sussed.

“Ranboo, Y/n, I’m gonna have to ask you to step into this cell here,” Tubbo ushered the two into the compact cell.

Y/n looked down at the lava. She whispered, “Anonymous my ass, it’s obviously Dream.”

“It probably is, but they aren’t completely sure we did it. As much as I hate saying it, they already know Tommy did it, nothing is gonna change their minds. We have to stay as innocent-looking as we can,” he definitely wasn’t lying, the two needed to stay as indifferent as they could.

“Tubbo please, listen to me, I have 4 witnesses, Captain Puffy, Nihachu, Ranboo, and Y/n, I was with them last night. Isn’t that right, Niki?” This idiot, it doesn’t help when two of his witnesses are prime suspects.

“I didn’t see Y/n,” Niki says. She was right, Y/n wasn’t there, but for reasons unrelated to the robbing.

“I, I felt really nauseous, so I was at Tommy’s house while Ranboo and him were helping you guys.”

“Right, Ranboo, shed some light on the situation please.” Tubbo’s monotone voice was intimidating Y/n a bit, he had always been the more cheery person in every group.

“Okay, umm, just be aware that I do have extremely bad short term memory loss.” Several people started talking at once but Y/n could only make out what Tubbo was saying.

“Okay, right, Tommy, the fact that he is struggling to remember is making your situation worse.” Fundy looked at Tubbo for approval to flick a lever, Y/n and Ranboo watched in horror as he pulled it down. “Tommy you have two strikes left, I need to hear your side and I need you to not yell.”

“It was the perfect crime.”

“Tommy!” Y/n yelled, surging forward slightly. Ranboo placed a hand on her shoulder, and she instantly relaxed, walking to the corner of the box-shaped room, sliding down the wall and resting her arms on her knees while Ranboo sat down carefully next to her. She was shocked, she didn’t think he would admit to it.

Fundy started recording everything Tommy said after that. “But hear me out Tubbo, he’s being biased against me, and Dream retaliating by building huge obsidian walls is absurd.”

“Tommy I have been advised to banish you,” Fundy flicked yet another lever, “But that is a very extreme measure and I hope it doesn’t have to come to that. So you’ll be put on probation. George, Tommy will be stripped of his power, and everything he does he will have to report directly to Fundy. Tommy as of now you are on probation, for the next two weeks.”

“Tubbo, this is insane!”

“It may be insane but I’m hoping this is conclusion is satisfying enough to get the walls tore down.”

“Well why are the walls even there in the first place? He can’t just build walls because I, me and- by myself I did a little prank,” Y/n looked up, her eyes strained. She turned to Ranboo relieved, Tommy didn’t slip up, he nearly did though. Ranboo must’ve put his sunglasses back on while she wasn’t looking.

“George is the king of the SMP, Tommy, this is considered treason,” Tubbo looked at Fundy and he nodded. Fundy put his hand on the last lever and pulled.

“Tommy!” Y/n yelled again, this time from anxiety. She knew very well what was under that glass, and so did Fundy, “Fundy why would you do that?!”

“Just felt like it.” he said in a snarky tone.

“How is he alive?” George asked. All Y/n saw was Quackity fall into the pit with Tommy and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Y/n don’t fucking laugh at me!”

“I’m sorry, Big Q, from where I am right now, it was hilarious,” she looked over to see Ranboo laughing, his laugh sounded really nice.

Quackity exited the box and Tommy followed, leaving the courthouse yelling, “Fuck you!”

“Mr. President, what are we do with Ranboo and Y/n?” Karl said.

Tommy came back immediately to say “No, no, listen, listen Tubbo, they weren’t there it was just me.”

“Those two weren’t there?”

“It was just me.”

Y/n and Ranboo were let out of the cell. Y/n let out a sign of gratitude, people were mistaken when they said Tommy was egotistical.

While walking back to L’manburg Tommy and Tubbo were arguing, and it broke Y/n’s heart, they were the best of friends before Tubbo became president. Maybe Techno was right, the government does corrupt. A cabient meeting was called in the middle of the walk to L’manburg. Tubbo called her over and she separated from Ranboo and Niki and joined Tommy, Tubbo, Quackity, and Fundy.

Y/n spaced out, staring at the ground until Dream showed up. “Tubbo. Probation isn’t enough.”

“Dream I know you suggested exile but-”

“That’s not enough! Tommy is Tommy, he’s never gonna stop, his goal is to piss me off, and if you want that, as somebody in your nation, even if he doesn’t have power, there aren’t that many members of L’manberg. And it’s fine, you guys wanna think about it, it’s fine. We can arrange a meeting to talk about what to do with him. Set a time, set a day, I’ll come.”

“Okay, how about the second, the second of December?”

Everyone agrees but Y/n stays silent. “Y/n?” Quackity asks.

“I’m sorry, being around my Dream is screwing with my head, I need to go.” Dream grabbed her wrist.

“Y/n, please.”

“No! I’m not gonna stay around to just to hear you manipulate Tubbo into doing what you want and me not being able to do anything, as per usual!”

She walked back to where Ranboo was, he immediately put a comforting hand on her shoulder. He glared at Dream, glad he was wearing glasses. “What happened Y/n?”

“My brother is extremely manipulative, just being around him confuses me. I can never tell if he agrees with me or is on my side or not. TLDR; Dream’s a piece of shit.”

Ranboo hummed in agreement. “You should probably go home, it’s getting dark, and you shouldn’t be around all this government stuff, you’ll get too stressed. Would you mind if I visited you tomorrow?”

“I’d like some company. It’s pretty lonely out there, Tubbo doesn’t come around often, he’ll probably show up even less with all this political bullshit.” He was slightly startled by the girls aggressiveness, but it was justified, and wasn’t directed towards him.

He walked her to the nether portal where they said their goodbyes.

“See you tomorrow, loser,” she joked. Ranboo gasped dramatically, “Yeah, you heard right, loser.”

“You’re mean.”

“No no no, I’m sorry Ranboo it was joke!” She engulfed him in a hug. He was surprised, they had become kind of close but he was scared to assume she was comfortable with hugs. But when she did it, he was relieved.

“Bye, shorty,” He patted her on the head. She gave him the middle finger and stepped into the nether.

“Later, giraffe.”

-------------

Lmao I’m sorry for anyone who is over 5’5 I’m just salty I’m only 5’2

#ranboo #ranboo x reader #mcyt x reader #mcyt #dream smp #dream smp x reader

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slytherflynn · 3 years

Text

Old and New | Pt I

Blaise Zabini x muggle!reader

word count: 1971

summary: y/n is new to France on a study abroad trip. Blaise is visiting France post-Hogwarts. rags to riches story of an unfortunate muggle falling for a complicated, ridiculously wealthy person who just so happens to also be a powerful Wizard.

a/n: this started with an idea, became a moodboard, then became an entire fleshed out fic! I thought it would be short but my brain had other ideas. enjoy! note: I did write this from my personal perspective in life. as a result it is not very inclusive. I plan to change that with my next fics, I’ve just been having a really hard time lately and have been writing a lot of comfort fics and/or self-inserts to escape from irl bc irl is rly shitty for me rn

It’s a brand-new start, in a brand-new apartment, in a brand-new city, in a brand-new country... an ocean away from home. I can bring Tacoma to France, right? At least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Study abroad is fucking... scary. I kinda regret it. It’s a good opportunity and for someone who doesn’t travel, it should be a fun experience. But I’m currently having an anxiety attack over taking out the garbage, so I’m not sure my positive self-talk is working.

I look out the window of my top floor apartment, wait until someone finally finishes walking down the stairs, and run out my door - I nearly trip about five times going down the spiral of death, my arms feel like jelly thanks to perpetually pushing my garbage deeper in to avoid this trip, and I swing with all my might to hurl my garbage bag into the trash compacting dumpster - only it hits the bottom lip and falls to the ground, splitting open.

“Great!” I say, sarcastically, “First they send my luggage to the wrong location, then they try to say my passport isn’t valid because my apartment was a temporary address, then I’m greeted with a fridge full of rotting food and no power, then I’m bitten up by fleas and now - I just- fuck. Why can’t I just- do anything- right-“ I cut myself off when I hear a screen door slide and blink a couple times to erase the threat of tears that had been creeping up on me while I ranted.

When I look up, I see a tall, dark-skinned guy about my age - handsome. He’s wearing a suit, and expensive jewelry. Combine that with the fact he’s living in the apartment building next to me, which is worth more than my life just for one month of rent, and I put together that he’s probably rich beyond belief. I quickly look away, not wanting to stare. I silently pick up my garbage, piece by piece. As I work, I feel eyes drilling holes in the back of my head. I ignore it. It continues, and I still ignore it as I finally shove my ripped garbage bag in the compactor and slam the door shut. I hear a slight jump up above, and chuckle to myself.

I zoom back up the stairs and almost make it to the top, but I trip 5 stairs away from my door - and fall, hard. Body laid out flat hard. Cheek scraped and stinging from the metal grating on the stairs, hard. Lost the goddamned slide that caught on the stair, and can see it gradually falling, bouncing and rolling down the stairs, hard. I lift my head and see blood on the stair. I feel it running down my face. All I can think is that this really fucking hurts. The tears come, a combination of pain and frustration, and I pick myself up and stumble my way into my apartment, completely forgetting about the attractive rich boy who just watched me be a danger and inconvenience to myself.

I rush to the kitchen and grab a roll of paper towels, and run to the bathroom, I see the markings in the mirror and can tell it will leave a sizeable scar. Do I need stitches? I don’t know. Anyway, I start dabbing at everything and blood is still oozing out of every nook and cranny, to my displeasure. I’m about to start bandaging my face when I hear a knock on my door. “Fucking Christ!” I mutter to myself as I slap a wad of paper towels on my face and sulkily go to fling open my door.

I’m not sure who I’m expecting, but to see the same rich guy on my doorstep, slide in hand, probably wasn’t it. “Hey, um, I saw what happened, and I thought you might want your shoe back.” His accent sounds very British - I was expecting it to sound more like a snooty Frenchman’s.

“Oh. Um. Thanks.” I say flatly.

As my muscles twitch to begin closing the door, he says, “Would you like some help cleaning that up? I have certifications to give medical aid... and stitches. My name’s Blaise, by the way.”

Doctor, maybe? Probably. “Sure,” I say, opening the door wider and standing back so the blood doesn’t drip on his suit. “I’m y/n.”

A few minutes later we’re in my bathroom, me sitting on the toilet, him sitting on the bathtub as he helps me fix my face. “So, Mademoiselle y/n,” He asks, “Do you find yourself in these predicaments very often?”

“Which one? Poverty, flea bitten, or bloody?” I say.

“I suppose whichever you’d like to think I was referring to.”

“Well, in *that* case - I’m usually caught unawares in all kinds of predicaments - though I’d say self-injury due to clumsiness is an uncommon one. And do you usually find yourself in predicaments requiring you to treat someone’s wounds?”

“I used to, though now it’s only on the occasion.”

“Sounds like an improvement,” I note. “I won’t guarantee it, but I think I’ll get the hang of walking up the stairs soon enough, so you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily mind it if I did worry about you once or twice more. Why were you running? It seemed like you wanted to get away from something. Does your garbage compactor smell that disturbing?”

“It doesn’t smell great,” I admit, “But truth be told, I’m not a fan of human interaction. It’s scary. Especially when everything is new to me.”

“How long have you been In France?”

“A few days, just enough to get myself physically settled.”

“I see. And you are from America?”

“Mhm. Let me guess, my accent gave it away.”

“And the slang, I’ve yet to hear someone from France use certain terms that you seem to favor.”

“Oh, most of my slang is specific to my city, not just my country.”

“Your city?”

“Yea, Tacoma. It’s near Seattle, if you know where that is. Tacoma’s better, though.”

“I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never been there. My mother is a fashion designer, but she only travels where there’s inspiration or a business deal.” So that’s how he gets the expensive clothes. The rest of the money too, probably.

“Must be nice, having a handmade closet.” I muse. “Not that I care for having any more clothes than I brought. They’re pretty reliable, if I do say so myself.”

He laughs. “Yes, well, if the blood stains don’t come out of your jumpsuit you might need a new one. They shouldn’t be too difficult to remove, though.”

“Yea, I’ll just dump a bucket of Oxi-Clean on it and call it a day. That is, if any stores nearby have it.” I frown, realizing I have no clue if France carries any of the products I usually get. This is gonna suck. Hopefully the internet has some answers so I don’t have to ask anyone for help.

“Why don’t I take your jumpsuit back with me? Save you the trip. Believe it or not, I used to have chronic nosebleeds, so I know a thing or two about stain removal.” Blaise offers.

I smile, only just. “Well, if you insist. But I love this jumpsuit practically more than myself, so I expect it back right away!”

He returns the smile. “A fan of fashion? You ought to meet my mother.”

I chuckle. “I’m sure your mom would despise me - I only own seven jumpsuits and some athleisure for going on runs.” I pause, then tack on: “Oh, and some fuzzy pajamas for when I’m sick.”

Blaise cocks a brow at me. “And when you’re not sick?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I grin mischievously.

A wave of recognition graces his eyes, and he very quickly looks away, I assume for being flustered.

“You Americans, always so scandalous.” He tsks in mock scorn.

“That’s what we’re known for, is it not?” I say cheekily, “Beer, boobs and gun barrels. And all the other problems that come with that, but that’s a can of worms I am not looking to open today.”

He ties off his handiwork, and says, “It looks like my job is finished, other than stealing your jumpsuit off your back to fix it. I can wait in the other room, if you’d like?”

“Um, yea, that works. Lemme just, grab my next jumpsuit. Gonna have to do laundry early, I suppose-“

“I can wash your jumpsuit for you. I’m pretty good at reading labels, if I do say so myself.” He jokes.

“Oh?” I say, “Then you must be a real genius! Who taught you, Einstein?”

“No, but it was another white-haired, eccentric man, so you’re not that far off.”

“When all teachers are like that it’s kind of impossible not to hit relatively close to the mark.” I remark, then change clothes as quickly as I can, tossing the dirty outfit into a trusty plastic bag and tying it shut.

When I walk out to the living room, Blaise is toying with one of my sculptures. He’s definitely been meandering and lurking around. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask, at which he jumps. “You’re rather skittish, Blaise.”

“And you’re rather quiet on your feet, y/n.” He observes. “But yes, I quite like your eclectic style. If only you had an apartment that let your customization shine. Something more minimalist.”

“Yes, well, it’s something I’ll forever dream of and likely never accomplish. I don’t suspect I’m going to be someone leaving the income level I was born into.” I say, just a little bit cynical.

“And why is that?” He asks.

“Because most people don’t, and the ones who do are the ones who make money. My career isn’t going to make me money.” I reply.

“So why did you pick it?”

I sigh. “Because somebody has to care about the people like me. The politicians don’t, the middle class don’t, and the rich are hell bent on keeping us there so they can have factory workers and have people going straight to prison after they graduate because we’re all desperate and miserable.”

He frowns. “That’s terrible.”

“It’s reality. And I don’t want to be like the people who get rich and stop caring because all they see is the wage difference and pretend it’s justified so they don’t have to feel complicit in the system.” I look him in the eye, my face grim. “Not all luck is by chance. Most of it is by design.”

He nods. “I understand, in a way.”

“Everyone does.” I say. “But understanding in a way and caring enough to do something about it are two different things.” I look away from him when I see his posture change. “I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s impossible not to notice the wealth gap between us when you’re wearing designer clothes and living in what looks like a mansion and I’m living in a building made in like 1900 with no elevator. It’s just the way things are, though.”

“I know.” He says quietly, thoughtfully. “I’d better get going. Your clothes?” He reaches out tentatively for the bag I’m still holding.

“Oh. Right.” I say, handing it to him. Our fingers brush against each other slightly, and it sends chills down my spine. He heads to the door while I’m rooted to the spot, collecting myself.

“I look forward to seeing you again, y/n.” He nods, meeting my eyes with a rather changed expression.

“I’ll see you soon, then?” I ask, not quite sure which answer I’m expecting.

He smiles, only just. “As soon as I am able.” Seconds later, he’s out the door, and I’m alone in my dingy ass apartment. How in the fuck did any of that just happen?

#Blaise Zabini #muggle!reader #blaise x reader #slytherin #hogwarts #lady zabini #harry potter #hp #imagine #fanfic #slytherflynn #part 1

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avesblues2 · 3 years

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Thanks. Basically, because I'm super lonely and depressed and have been for some time now, I got a habit of talking to dudes online to fill the void in me. I've had a bunch of disastrous and failed online "relationships" and I swore I'd never do it again because I'd always end up heartbroken but I had a mental breakdown like 3 months ago and met another dude that night who I've talked to on and off since. Things have been super rocky between us to say the least and I decided to cut him off for good a couple days ago because I have too many mental issues to have a normal, healthy friendship and I keep acting out for attention and purposely starting drama. I've been emotionally abusive towards him and I don't trust myself to cut it out. It got to the point where I even pretended I overdosed on pills and was dying while on the phone with him.. he cried and stayed up with me all night. I'm super ashamed of my behavior. He called me a narcissistic psychopath during one argument we had and that's when I realized I need to leave him alone. He went off on me accusing me of abandoning him and calling me a fake friend when I explained to him why we needed to stop talking, despite him telling me to fuck off before if I wouldn't stop my toxic behavior because the friendship obviously wouldn't work, and now idk what to do. I see it as me doing him a favor but he doesn't seem to get it, despite everything I put him through. I feel backed into a corner because he said he "wants his friend back". He asked for permission to check up on me once in a while and I said that was ok, but idk if we can ever be friends again. Things have been super hard lately because I have to come to terms with being completely alone again and not speaking to him and I've been feeling suicidal because I got really attached like always. Do you have any advice for me? I'm aware I need professional help which I'm going to get eventually, but like I said I just feel beyond terrible lately and really alone with all of my problems. I try to cry out to God when the anxiety and pain is too much but I still feel super stressed and overwhelmed with life. Thank you and I'm sorry this was so long.

Don’t ever apologize for reaching out to someone!

I think the fact that you are reaching out and recognize your behavior is a great start that many people don’t even reach, so don’t be to hard on yourself.

In terms of you saying you go out and look for attention and talk to the guys to fill a void, I feel that is many women nowadays who lack a relationship with Christ. I used to be that way during my freshmen year of college. I know the feelings you are feeling. I too felt isolated, alone, talked to guys to fill a void and seek attention from them and found myself entering toxic relationships because I was just looking for somebody, anybody. It took me almost the whole semester and a little bit more to overcome this.

The best thing to do is first, I think it is wise to cut off unhealthy and toxic relationships, not just for you but for the other person as well. The reason you may feel attached is because you may lack confidence in your singleness and have low self-esteem-that’s how it was for me. One thing I did that helped me become more confident in my singleness was to find a hobby I really enjoyed. I started mountain biking and running. Running helped fill in the gaps I felt was missing and mountain biking gave me peaceful time alone in nature to be away from my phone and the noisy world. If you can, I suggest trying to pick a hobby that is outdoor centered or allows you to be outdoors more. It is seriously amazing what the sun and fresh air can do for your physical and mental state. Remember, our body is all connected so how you physically feel will translate into your mental state as well and vice versa. Filling your time doing activities that give your purpose really builds up your self confidence! And until you build up that self confidence you may relapse in trying to filling this emptiness by talking to men.

Now, that’s just a temporary cure to a deeper issue, that void you feel will NEVER be filled unless you fill it with Jesus. Ask yourself, how many times a week are you spending alone time with the Lord and reading His word? It’s stated that those who read the Bible at least 4 days a week have a greater and stronger relationship with Christ. Why is that? When you aren’t filling your mind, body and soul with God the world is filling those voids for you.

“Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him… 17 The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.—1 John 2:15-17

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.—Romans 12:2

What does renewing your mind mean? It means spending time in prayer and in God’s word. When you don’t renew your mind, you become further and further from God’s voice, the world drowning out His voice telling you lies like “he isn’t listening, he isn’t doing anything” when really it’s you who isn’t listening and you who isn’t opening the door to let Him in. Are you truly surrendering to His will and wisdom? I suggest starting with proverbs to gain wisdom! 2 Timothy tells us 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline- the spirit gives us power, confidence but when we don’t renew our mind and feed our spirit guess what replaces that? Shame, fear, anxiety, loneliness. If you don’t download the Bible app and try out some Bible study plans! You can search any topic and start a plan! This is where I started and it was life changing to indulge in God’s word and also, God’s community, are you part of a church? If not I suggest you perhaps start looking. We aren’t meant to do life alone friend! Community is everything!

Also, we become like those who we hang around. “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”—1 Corinthians 15:33

Are you surrounding yourself with people who are dragging you down or uplifting you?

Don’t ever feel ashamed for reaching out and feel free to keep messaging me if you need too! Know that you have a community in Christ and God wants good things for your life, you just have to listen to Him and the way you do that is read His word, with open ears and open heart and with repentance and sincerity. He will answer you and guide you.

#asks

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