#he’s my best friend and he knows so much about me and he’s entrenched himself into my life

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[diazfox]

How do you imagine a more complex sexual awakening for Buck? Cause I also thought Buck's coming out went surprisingly smoothly. For one, I specifically missed how Buck never questioned if his strange conduct in that ep was only about Tommy and not at all about Eddie, and most importantly, no experiences of his have been addressed other than checking out a hot guy's ass

hey anon! i'm coming from a purely storytelling perspective, not pro/anti buddie/bucktommy so yall better not come for me!

i think this trajectory is very on brand for buck. a complex coming out arc is dearly reserved for eddie in my head, i always imagined buck's coming out to be pretty smooth and i think season 7 writers have done a really good job at that!

for all his acting before thinking tendencies, i think there's also a comfort zone buck has built around himself that he doesnt feel the need to step out of.

for starters, i definitely see comphet elements to buck. he stops at mere appreciation (checking out hot guys asses) because he doesnt feel the need to think too deeply about it given that he's very comfortable in his attraction to women already. he attributes these sorts of questionable moments to his strong allyship instead and prides (🏳️‍🌈?) himself in it. this would explain why he never dwells on moments of doubt because he set those criteria for himself and never revisited them because loving women was satisfying enough.

which is why i think spontaneity is the driving force for his sexual awakening rather than a surface level attraction. tommy kissing him is what allows him to see past his comfort zone and realise that he could expand his options if he wanted to. the eddie vs tommy conflict is never addressed in his head because tommy becomes instantaneously and willingly available and there's no need for him to think or look further.

speaking of, a second example of the comfort zone he has built is with eddie. in comparison to his past relationships and having to overcompensate for others' shortcomings, his relationship with eddie is perfect. he doesn't give room for any other interpretation or extrapolation of this friendship because for once he feels this mutual trust and security he never felt before with others, not even family. it's the fact that even when they do have a conflict, the writers made buck be the one to apologise for not caring enough. this further cements just how entrenched eddie is in their friendship, something buck has been guilty of doing in the past and getting hurt by repeatedly. hence buck doesnt give room for questionable moments to penetrate the platonic boundaries he's set for his and eddie's relationship and instead finds answers within the confines of friendship. he maps his confusion around eddie to guilt about lying to his best friend.

given these interpretations plus the fact that he's often the source of comedic relief, it's understandable why his coming out arc is less complex and more romcom-esque. this is especially important if they are planning a coming out arc for eddie as well, because his is going to be a trainwreck and they would want to cover different bases instead of repeating similar stories.

looking at recent directional choices though, i think there's still room to build complexity through bucktommy. especially since all of tommy's scenes since he's been established as a LI serve no other purpose than to further buck's bisexuality journey (building confidence, publicly coming out). there was no need for him to be written off the bachelor party if they wanted us to properly root for him. he wouldn't have disappointed buck for not dressing up and not being there for the search party, which are perfect opportunities to build an emotional connection between them. i'm especially intrigued by this knowing tim minear through lone star, because you can tell how much he values significant others being there for each other in the most random times (carlos literally follows tk everywhere he goes). if this direction keeps being intentionally pursued, their relationship might end with a purpose too, and perhaps this could turn buck's world upside down?

all i'm desperately hoping for is that this doesn't end in another person abandoning buck... because he's had enough. and I'VE had enough

[classic-maya]

why did Justin fall for Brian?

Ahhh, I love this question because I feel like it is more complicated than answering why Brian fell for Justin but I’ll give it my best shot.

After their first night together when Justin says he is in love with Brian I think he has a naive understanding of what love is at that point. He is infatuated with this handsome, confident, wealthy guy who took him home, let him join at the hospital during one of the biggest nights of his life, and then gently took his virginity. I really like that all the way in season 4 Justin says they made love that first night and when Brian disputes it he says "It was love to me." Even if it was infatuation, Justin is right, that night, that moment, that whole experience was love to him.

Despite not being able to remember his name, Brian made Justin feel like he was the center of his world that night and Justin had never experienced that before. I think it’s that initial spark that pushes Justin to be so resilient and keep seeking Brian out. I mean how do you get over a man who says "you can see me in your dreams." !!!

Later on I think Justin falls in love with what Brian represents. Brian is freedom incarnate; he will say anything, do anything etc. When the audience meets Justin he is entrenched in his rebellious teen phase. Don't forget that Justin is 17 running around all night. He is the kid who told his teacher to fuck off, told his mom that he likes dick, and in an absolutely iconic statement after his dad threatens to send him to military school to learn some discipline replies with "I know all about discipline and you should see me take it like a man."

In many ways, Brian is in the same place emotionally as Justin in season 1. He is chasing his youth. He is angry at the world, he likes being an outsider in society and he revels in it. He doesn't care about driving around in a vandalized car painted with the word “faggot." I mean for goodness sake Brian drove through a fucking car dealership because the seller said something mildly homophobic. Justin finds Brian's fuck you attitude ridiculously attractive. The persona of Brian no excuses, no apologies, no regrets Kinney is Justin's first love.

But over the course of the first season, Justin's understanding of love and his understanding of Brian both develop. Justin is suddenly dropped into this very adult world that is different from his WASPy upbringing with two parents who have fallen out of love with each other. Justin has adult friends for the first time and he gets to see how Melanie and Lindsay love each other. How Michael and Brian love each other and Ted and Emmett and how Debbie as the matriarch loves and cares for all of them. I think he comes to the mature idea that you don’t just fall in love with someone and everything is fine, you decide to love someone and then you hold on to that decision and make lot of little decisions in order to keep loving them.

In the first season while Brian struggles with himself and his love for Justin, he keeps hurting Justin in an effort to push him away. He tells him not to trust people, he flaunts his tricks in front of Justin, he is downright mean to him at times. I love this scene in 1x17 when Justin tells Brian “Being mean to me has never really worked, you should try another tactic.” He is telling Brian that he’s got his number and that can’t get rid of him that easily. He then says “I’m killing you with kindness.” From the start, I think Justin saw through Brian’s bluster and just dug down until he could see the scared boy behind the walls Brian built around himself.

I honestly don’t think anyone else in the show understood Brian as much as Justin. Justin notices all of the little ways that Brian sacrifices himself to help his friends and others. Brian has a reputation for being selfish, but Justin peels back the layers and sees how Brian uses that assumption as cover.

And while Justin does eventually lose his infatuation, he still loves Brian because he already made a decision to love him and to love him for the man he is and not for everything he represents to him. Brian is no longer a symbol to him but a human being with significant flaws and insecurities. This is where I see a massive difference between Michael’s love for Brian and Justin’s love for him. Michael idealized Brian but never got over his hero worshipping crush. Anytime Brian acted outside of how Michael expected him to he was overly upset and confused. While Brian obviously hurt Justin’s feelings sometimes and they misunderstood each other at inopportune moments, overall Justin was able to accept and love Brian as a person not a persona.

Another one of my favorite scenes is in 1x11 after Michael’s birthday party and everyone else abandons Brian but Justin just says “I guess you’re going to need someone to help you clean up this mess.” As an audience, it’s one of our first indications that Justin really gets Brian. Although everyone else thinks he is an asshole, Justin knows what his true intentions were. I also like the use of the word mess in this scene. He is not just talking about the party leftovers but everything. It is also a small little commitment. Justin isn't going anywhere, he is going to love Brian even when it’s messy and difficult.

Of course, if I'm arguing that Justin made an active decision to love Brian that begs the question why did he leave him in season 2? I don’t think Justin ever fell out of love with Brian. Even in the cheating era I don’t think either of them stopped loving each other. Justin was very hurt and he wanted to see what life was like with someone who was deliberate about showing and stating their love for him unlike Brian. Obviously, Justin shouldn’t have betrayed Brian by cheating but I don’t blame him for wanting something else, nor do I blame Brian for not being able to give Justin what he needed at that time. I think Justin was so shocked by Ethan’s betrayal again because he is a bit naive and did not realize that someone can say they love you 10 times a day but not mean it the way you want them to. On the other hand, although Brian couldn’t let himself say it he showed Justin in every way he knew how that he was important to him and he cared about him. Also, one more reminder that Brian NEVER broke their rules and I think Justin knew that and realized that was what he wanted way more than someone who spoke the right words but didn't follow through with real action.

TL;DR Justin fell in love with Brian over and over for so many different reasons. Because he was sensitive and gentle, because he made Justin feel important, because he represented Justin's anger, rebelliousness, and the freedom he desired, because he loved Justin unconditionally even when it was messy and difficult.

[callmearcturus]

writer questions meme: 8, 13, 20 if you please

13. What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?

It wasn't explicitly writing advice, but I can tell you where I learned what my specific style would be. There was a fic in the Dresden Files fandom called "Cross" by LightGetsIn. LGI was a tremendous writer and a very kind mentory-friend who I attended my first fan convention with. Extremely accomplished adult who I looked up to when I was barely an adult.

"Cross" is a story about the limitations of perspective. It was the first story that really drove home the idea that Character A would not have the same knowledge and understanding of the world as Character B.

In "Cross", the POV character is John Marcone, a non-magical mafia boss who is deeply entrenched in the magical world. He has a lot of factual knowledge of how magic works, but he's an Italian-American Catholic. So when he's pulled into doing magical rites to bring another character back to life, he specifically doesn't pick up on the more pagan symbology of what he's doing, but filters it through a Guilty Catholic filter. Hence the name of the fic, "Cross."

And that story, which isn't even my favorite LGI story, probably taught me the most about how to write Close Perspective Third Person, which is my default style. When I'm writing in a characters POV, I rigorously limit what the POV character knows and picks up on. I will plant clues and information that the audience will understand, but the connections a character makes, the reference pools they pull from, their morality and ethics, all of those inform that POV, and what you and I know does not.

That is probably the most important lesson I've ever had in creating my own writing method.

20. Describe your perfect writing conditions.

8 hours of sleep, small breakfast snack like a croissant, decaf beverage, one dextroamphetamine, and no one fucking talk to me for about 2 - 4 hours. I will write 4,000 words.

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Lets put this under a cut, and I'll give you some DVD commentary. This is from chapter 2 of you'll need a new name to survive this. It's the point where Benji realizes Ethan is stalking him and does that trick to lose him in the bookshop, then sits outside waiting for him.

Only five minutes later, the door opened, and Bell took one step out before freezing, his eyes falling on Benji.

Got you, Benji thought with a sharp little smile. "You didn't even buy a book? Bit rude."

One of the goals of the early chapters of PT AU was establishing Benji's character as boldly as possible because we were essentially telling a story that canon does not. This is YEARS before MI3, where Benji gets two gd scenes.

To me, the tightrope walk was that I wanted Benji to have a reasonable grip on authority, to be shiny and new and out of his depth but still empowered because of his accomplishments. He has managed to land a good job working for the US government, he successfully emigrated before he was 30 years old, he has an apartment and a cat, he's new to everything in the spy world but he also has a steel spine that frankly he's fucking earned.

Which is a long-winded way of saying that Benji is a bitch and I love him so much.

Bell's face was blank, but Benji could almost feel how fast his brain was moving, weighing his options. Eventually, he settled on huffing out a little chuckle and stepping closer to Benji. "Hi."

Meanwhile, Ethan. MI1-era Ethan is very very smart but very very traumatised. His skillset is rooted in controlling people and predicting them. So Benji, a fucking civilian, catching him off-guard like this is like waving a red flag at a bull. Or dangling a steak over a lion enclosure. Benji doesn't know it yet but he's setting himself up to be a tasty treat for Ethan Hunt circa the late 90s.

"Are you going to kill me or something?" Benji asked. "Is that your spook job, are you a hitman?"

The flash of expression on Bell's face was offended. (This makes me laugh every time. Ethan Hunt is not a killer unless he absolutely must be and he will go out of his way to avoid it. Being an assassin is gross and he doesn't want to be perceived at all bc he's a spy but if he MUST be perceived jfc don't assume he's a HITMAN) "What, no. I just…" Grimacing, he looked away, eyes scanning the other pedestrians around them. "Okay, I'm screwing this up, I can admit that. Can we talk somewhere private?"

Benji didn't even have to think about it. "We can talk somewhere public."

Benji is never going to be an IMF agent but his instincts are wildly correct. And that knowledge comes from a different place! He was a gay punk rock vagabond who dropped out of law school, he knows how to keep out of trouble. He is probably the guy who told his other punk friends "if you are arrested do not say a goddamn thing, just ask for your public defender, don't joke, don't be a smartarse, keep your mouth shut."

The smile that took over Bell's face was lovely, transforming his whole face from storm clouds to something more seasonal. "That's honestly a very smart answer, doc. C'mon, there's a bakery nearby. I'll buy you a coffee. Least I can do."

It really was, so Benji nodded and followed him.

They didn't speak until Bell opened the glass door to another shop and held it open for Benji.

"Wrong hand," Benji said, noticing the small wince Bell let out.

"Inside, doc."

If it isn't obvious, all of the observational skills Benji has canonically have been funneled into his preternatural observation of patients.

Basically, if Benji as a character has a specific set of SPECIAL stats, all of those are the same, he just has different tagged skills in this universe.

Canon Benji is probably.... Guns, Science, and Repair. PT Benji has Medicine, Barter, Speech.

"Not a doctor," Benji said. "You know I'm not a doctor."

"What do you want to drink, doc?"

Ethan is being purposefully annoying and I could write a whole post about Ethan's soft power and the way he manipulates people, but that'd be another post. Short version: some people you seduce, some people you act like a wounded gazelle at, and some people you annoy.

Inside the bakery was loud. It was a strangely open floor plan. A long pastry case cordoned off the seating area for the customers. On the other side was just… the bakery. There were ovens and industrial mixers and rolling racks of cooling bread. In the corner, the espresso machine howled with noise as the milk frother worked.

It smelled divine, like living inside a baguette during a spring shower of dark roast coffee.

It also was a constant racket, which Benji mentioned to Bell as he sat down and slid a dark tea with vanilla syrup across to Benji.

"That's the point," Bell said, slouching back in his chair. "It's very difficult to eavesdrop in here."

Well, he wasn't wrong. Looking to another occupied table nearby, Benji briefly tried to pick out a word of what was being said by the woman seated closest to him. Nothing.

"Right, then," Benji said, attention back on Bell. "Why are you following me?"

"Why?" Bell seemed taken aback.

One of the many moments in the early chapters that establish that Ethan's perception of Normal is not anything approaching actual normal.

"Yes, why."

"Normal intelligence collection."

"On your physical therapist?" Benji asked with a barked laugh.

"Yeah." Bell leaned on his elbows, one hand cupping his own jaw and holding his head up as he made uncomfortably direct eye contact. "You really don't know who I am? Or why some of the appointments on your calendar come with no information?"

Pursing his lips, Benji shook his head.

Blowing out a whistle through his teeth, Bell grinned. "Sorry, that's just… it's new. I'm surprised Dr. Falsion didn't clue you in, but I guess she's not technically supposed to." Lifting his mug, he looked down into it. "People do shit they're not technically supposed to all the time in this town."

Ethan's major trauma at this point is being targeted by Kittridge and the Mole Hunt, and his trust in people to do their jobs is at a critical low that it'll never recover from.

"I don't even know your name," Benji sighed, sipping his own drink. It didn't taste at all like iocaine powder, so he was probably safe for the moment.

Bell rested his temple against the knuckles of his hand, his gaze so intense that Benji didn't know how to look away without making it patently obvious he was unsettled. Whatever Bell saw, it made his lips curve up slight. "Alright. Yeah. My name is Ethan. I work for an organization that shouldn't legally exist, so that's why you don't get anything on me. Even CIA jackboots manipulating local governments are realer than I am." He blinked once. "Also, I was an unprofessional shitheel last session, and I apologize."

Ethan apologizes here because Benji has earned his respect. And also by earning his respect, Ethan is also aware that Benji is not going to be so easy to maneuver around, so he fesses up that he was a prick, softly setting up a different tactic with Benji.

Benji felt his eyes going wider and wider with every sentence until it was a little hard to breathe. So his patient wasn't the American equivalent of an MI5 or MI6 so much as an MI8?

That did sort of start to explain what a pain in the ass he was.

"Shame," Benji managed after a moment of sitting fairly gobsmacked. "I was getting attached to 'Bell.' But I appreciate… all that. Thanks." He frowned. "Are you saying all this because you're actually sorry or are you sick of being stonewalled?"

Benji has a much more cynical mind than Ethan is the funny thing. Benji gets arguably more accurate reads on people than Ethan does. Or, Ethan gets accurate reads but he is continuously poisoned by the hope that people will be better than he expects. So FUNCTIONALLY, Ethan is an optimist and Benji is a realist.

Bell— Ethan— grinned. "That's a very good question. You actually have great instincts, doc. You did a surprisingly good job of shaking me when I was tailing you, especially for a civilian."

One of my favorite running gags is Benji being impossible to tail, so I'm glad we really drove it home the first time it happened. I love consistency in longfic.

"Again: thanks. Don't suppose you'll answer my other question?"

Ethan sipped his coffee, his smile visible around the edge of his cup.

"Right," Benji sighed. At least this felt like progress. And at least he probably wasn't going to be disappeared by a government assassin. That was a relief.

So this entire bit is Ethan reassessing Benji and pivoting his methods and tactics, setting up for a better way of handling Benji. And also being kind of charmed by him.

[mae-i-scribble]

I've recently read through all of fabiniku (my life as an ordinary guy who reincarnated as a girl or something like that for the english title) and it's just been such a fun and genuine time that made me so much more endeared to the series than I thought I was going to be going into this. And for me it touches on a very important part of representation and the argument that queer people will inherently tell queer stories better (spoiler alert i think this mentality is simplistic and unrealistic). Because full disclosure, yeah the author of fabiniku is not someone i assume is the best ally on the planet, and i dont even know if she's queer or not. Her author notes have some pretty :/// stuff in them about trans identity and the idea that being trans is a fetish or childish choice. However, there could also be translational errors messing up what exactly she means, and I can't exactly translate myself, so there is some doubt in that regard. But regardless of the author's opinions, none of that changes the very genuine and heartfelt story she is telling with Tachibana in fabiniku.

(putting the rest under a readmore bc its getting longer than i thought)

There's a reason fabiniku got its reputation as one of the queerest isekai's to ever isekai and that reputation is well deserved bc holy shit yeah these bitches gay and trans as hell. Fabiniku does something with its queer narrative that I personally really appreciate: it sidelines the queer themes. Now this may seem contradictory, but for me, I don't always want queer stories about being queer, I want the queer elements to be a part of the narrative without it being focused on them. And fabiniku absolutely delivers on this. It isn't the story of tachibana finding out he's trans and jinguuji finding out he's gay but also kinda technically bi now- it's a batshit insane isekai romcom about 2 best friends realizing they have feelings for each other. Of course, those queer elements are still very much there, but they're entrenched in the characters, not in the author saying "see this aspect of identity, i want to use these characters as a vehicle to tell a story about it." (Not that there's anything wrong with that, its just a difference in writing goals and how one goes about writing themes/stories)

Fabiniku was never trying to be anything profound or meaningful in terms of queer representation, its mostly a gag manga with some large overarching story beats, but the author's earnestness in portraying the romance and personal growth gives the series a real heart that 1)makes it enjoyable unlike some other comedy based isekai and 2) stops it from being offensive representation. Tachibana is a guy who finds himself becoming a girl one day without and warning, and his slow journey into realizing what exactly he wants in regards to his gender identity is never used as the butt of the joke or mocked. (I'm using he/him for tachibana bc literally as of a couple chapters ago we just got him admitting he may not want to go back to being a guy, he's still on the first steps of his trans journey). In the same vein Jinguuji's love of Tachibana is never truly treated as "only now bc tachibana is a girl, no way did jinguuji love him before nope nope." (yes the initial premise suggests this interpretation, but as the manga grows on it is increasingly clear that both these 2 loved each other before this isekai shenanigans began).

There's a lot more words in my head, but Im gonna wrap it up here. Fabiniku is hardly "perfect" representation, but it is telling a meaningful story with a lot of love put into it regardless. Blaming its mistakes on the author not being trans or gay while ignoring its strengths is useless nitpicking. I saw a post saying it would be a much funnier manga if a trans person wrote it, which is such an illogical point to make that I just had to go ????? at my screen for a minute. There's a lot to talk about with this story, and that's what you took away from it?? And im not saying there aren't criticisms to be made, I still think Jinguuji's arc should have been about him realizing that even if he didn't like women, it didn't change the fact that he was attracted to Tachibana- would have made for a more in character arc for him but again, the author was never intending for anything more than a romantic comedy manga, so I won't hold it against her too much.

Anyways everyone go watch or read fabiniku you won't regret it its so fucking good

[stormblessed95]

Hi Storm! It might seem a shady question, but it's just curiosity: have you ever disapproved of something the boys did or said, or felt that something wasn't exactly your cup of tea?

I'm thinking about the fact that even between the closest and most affectionate friends disagreements can happen, and that it can happen also with idols, actors etc; I'm thinking about the recent declarations of Jackson Wang, and on a more personal note of a disagreement I had with one of my best friends. It never happens, and then it happens, and I was wondering if you ever felt like this towards BTS, since I think you have a cool and rational perspective on things and you aren't one of those fans that follow blindly their myths.

Personally, I don't have any issues with BTS, and even if I think about some wrong stuff like the misogynistic lyrics Namjoon wrote when he was very young, I also think about his mature and responsible reaction, and how he addressed clearly the issue for what it was without trying to sweep it under the rug. He held himself accountable, a thing that can be hard, so it was worthy of respect in my opinion.

About what is or isn't my cup of tea, I think I feel less of a connection with Taehyung, but this doesn't mean I don't find him quite funny, or adorable or smart, at times. It just means I feel less drawn to him and more towards other members. I think it means he's not my bias? I still don't really use the terminology 😅

I made these two examples in hope you see this question as sincere and not as a provocative one: I adore BTS, I just think they're humans and deserving to be treated as such.

Hi, BTS are humans and they are not infallible. Of course that's okay to talk about, as long as the conversation is respectful, which you have been and I appreciate. Yes, there have definitely been things they've done that I haven't liked. Most honestly that I think they've grown and learned from though honestly too. Because they are geniunely good people.

In their early years, they did have some issues with cultural appropriation with their use of black culture in, probably an effort to be more hip hop, but just ended up being inappropriate. As well as some issues with cultural appropriation for Native American Cultures as well. Some hairstyles they (all) did, using AAVE a few times in an earlier interview in not a great way, some not great comments about not wanting to be "too tan." And honestly, mostly after 2015, they grew up a lot and things got better and they seemed to learn. There haven't really been any similar type issues that I know of and they are in general, much more sensitive and culturally aware. Especially considering the world wide stage they now stand on. And while I fully appreciate their growth and respect it, doesn't make me not cringe and some old photos of theirs at times too. (Although there also isn't as many instances as antis like to pretend there are) But it's not an issue for them currently. And Namjoon even apologized for his past actions in cultural appropriation during an interview before too and made a log video with an apology later as well too. A very sincere one. Similar to his apology for any participation he had in misogyny with his lyrics. Fully owning up to it and growing.

I also, and this is the only one that is still something that is hard for me sometimes, hate how entrenched they are in diet culture. And I know a lot of that has to do with how they were raised and probably lowkey traumatized in the kpop industry where that is a HUGE deal. But while they are professionals, and they do have staff and med staff and trainers with them to help make these sometimes unhealthy choices to be healthier. They do have a lot of people who look up to them and I sometimes wish they would be able to help preach a healthier relationship/mindset with food and with body positivity towards themselves. I do think they have gotten BETTER about this, but it's still prevalent. I don't necessarily fault them for it at all either. Because it's an industry thing and self love is a continuous and constant journey. I actually have an ask about this topic too that I've been sitting on and trying to figure out how to best answer that and I'll get into it more then, or maybe I won't and I'll keep my answer more general. It depends on how much I think I actually have to say about it all. Lol I'm not REALLY wanting to open these topics up for debate or discussion really as I don't think there is anything that can be added here and be a productive conversation.

The misogyny issues brought up were never ones I personally found offensive, but that's just me and I know other people can feel differently about that as well. And that's okay.

Overall though, they are geniunely good people, tend to make good decisions, and geniunely care about people, the world, their fans, each other, etc. I trust them, I also trust them to make good decisions for themselves and those around them and as examples to the world. I trust them to learn and grow from any mistakes. And I trust them to do what's right for them and trust in them as good hearted people, because they really are. Hopefully that all makes sense and this is taken and received well, as I mean it to be. Love them all so dearly. And love yall. Thanks for the ask 💜

[khalixvitae]

also your brain is wrinklier than the balls of a sweaty red neck florida man. you're so fucking based.

honestly i like to make light of the fact that rook was acquainted with vil via criticizing his play upfront, and the fact that they even became inseparable after, but i really think it says a lot about them. especially vil, in this case. about how vil values the cold and hard truth above all that is sugarcoated and brought to him via beating around the bush in a world where everyone is sucking up to him to get something out of it. like, what did rook have to gain in the moment? if anything, he would've been mauled by anyone else. but he did it out of genuine interest, in vil and helping him (even if his critique lacked tact in the delivery). that's what drew vil to rook. he was so unabashed in what he thought about a certain things flaws, but also so full of vigor and readiness to see it for all it's potential. he's exactly the type of person vil needs.

unwavering loyalty (the type that vil truly values) can also be seen through rook's election of neige in the vdc. i really do hate that it's portrayed as a betrayal. yes, i understand it would be to anyone else, especially given rook knows of vil's rivalry with neige. but obviously, rook and vil aren't conventional people. rook already stated very valid reasons for it; it wouldn't satisfy vil's ambition nor his need for the first place and perfection. it'd be hollow to him. most of all, vil would know he didn't deserve it because the performance itself wasn't the best he could give. why would he want an unjustified trophy? he would've continued striving for no. 1 in extremely damaging ways if rook did not choose neige and give him the reality check he needed. that's the type of reality check he wanted. that's what true friends do. holding each other to standards, encouraging improvement-- doing what's right, because it will do right by them in association. rook choosing vil in this context would be the truest betrayal to vil because rook knows it would go against all vil stands for. it would be the biggest betrayal to rook's wanting to help vil improve and blossom because it wouldn't do that. it'd drive him further into madness. rook pulled vil back before he could do that and that's real loyalty. making hard decisions for the betterment of your loved ones. i don't really remember much of chapter 5's ending, but i do remember vil also acknowledged all my prior points himself, and did realise the winning the VDC wouldn't have been the best for him in the long run.

i absolutely hate blind devotion. i hold my friends to moral codes because being too entrenched in unhealthy mindsets would leave you blindsided to what's truly beautiful and joyous in life and people, and i dont want to be the one to enable or exacerbate it. i expect them to do the same with me; tell me off, disagree with me, and give me a reality check when i need it, because i know ill appreciate it when that time has long gone and their wake up call was what got me back on the right track. that they cared about me enough that they wanted to help me change for better instead of just standing to the sidelines because to be loved is to be CHANGED.... (wails uncontrollably into pillow, shits, sharts, etc etc). my greatest goal in life is to be the best version of myself and to be loyal is to support what the truest part of me yearns for! improvement! that's why i expect that if i were to act up, my friends would have the courage in knowing that opposing whatever dumb idea i might have would ultimately mean the most to me! so when i say i get how vil must've felt during chapter 5 i really get it. sure he still would've been upset over his loss but i believe he understood the reality of the situation quite well, including rooks reasoning. he trusts rook because he knows rook can make the right call for him if need be, even if it results in such drastic consequences. he knows rook has his actual best interests in mind. he knows rook isn't one to lick vil's boots-- he'd bow before him and rise against him, all in vil's favour. that's why he was more determined than ever to get on the right track to strive towards complete perfection. he was upset but he knew it was transient and he'll have another chance at true success.

people also have to understand that brutally honest =/= cruel. brutally honest is just a term used by people who just want an excuse to be mean but he doesn't intend to be, so i can see how that term, when conflated with a character, can be warped to a different interpretation. yes, good intentions don't always equal good actions but he always means it for the betterment of others. you don't like his tone? tell him! he'll adjust the level of tact in which he delivers his speech but the content is more or less the same.

again, vil is also another one who drops a lot of subtle hints of vulnerability. of large deviations of who he is and how he operates.

god i am.. sgshn???!?!!!!!!! so desperately in love with him....!??? he's so deeply flawed but that doesn't make him a bad person. it makes him so real and raw and just. someone i could really sympathize with in real life, especially when i can relate to, or atleast understand many of his core themes and struggles. he's more complex than the other boys in the cast (not to say the others cannot have complexity) and it makes it all the better to pick him apart. yes i see god in your eyes babes please kiss me so hard my lips explode.

“He’d bow before him and rise against him, all in Vil’s favor” HOLY SHIT ANON THAT IS ?,, THE HARDEST LINE IVE EVER READ??? But I completely agree! Vil was less upset about the justified loss than he was about Neige winning ! He understood Rook’s reasoning and didn’t question it, but ofc he was irritated that his (one sided) mortal nemesis beat him. I agree that Vil is so insanely complex- that’s why he’s my favorite character to pick apart, and also why I feel the strongest connection to him. Tbh he’s one of the only characters I could see myself realistically befriending. His honesty and determination are super admirable imo, and we share some core values.

Also,,, I’m currently brainstorming ways for him to show his vulnerabilities, funnily enough hehe hoo

[loveandthings11]

How Deep My Love Goes, Chapter 9

Read on AO3 Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8

You'll See

Kendall looks up at Sophie from the Lego-covered floor on Saturday morning. Iverson is entrenched in building a spaceship and Rava’s reading on a barstool nearby. After the experience at Austerlitz, he’s turned the penthouse into a sort of energetic hideout, alternating between hanging out with the kids, sitting in Rava’s office while she works on her big case, and calling everyone he knows to try to figure out a way to get back into Waystar. He’s taken a couple of calls from Roman to plan teaming up to talk to Sandy about his mysterious plan, and he’s learned to leave the room to avoid Rava’s looks of uncertainty when they start talking about taking over the company again.

“You want to build something here, Soph?” He asks.

Sophie shrugs and spins around in her ballet skirt.

“No, I’m tired of Star Wars. I want to watch the Kardashians.”

“Uh, I don’t think that’s allowed.”

Sophie giggles and sits down on the chair by him.

“One of them’s named Kendall.”

“Uh huh. I had it first, though.” He’s focusing on finding the right piece on the floor.

“You’re both on magazines.” She smiles at him again, endlessly amused. “Maybe you should be friends.”

He calls over to Rava.

“Rav, what do you think? Should I be friends with Kendall Jenner?”

She raises her eyebrows and smiles serenely.

“No.” She returns to the page and he shrugs at Sophie.

“There you go,” he says.

“Maybe you’ll be on Vogue next!” Sophie giggles again.

“Okay. Go read a book or something.”

“Should I read Forbes?” She asks, trying everything to get a reaction.

He finally laughs.

“Yeah, go read Forbes. Let me know what changes you think I should make to our investment portfolio.”

“I don’t know how to do that!”

“Oh, not yet? Maybe you’ll learn if you read it. Or maybe you should do your homework, that sounds fun.”

“No!!!” She shrieks and runs down the hall into her room. He chuckles.

Iverson looks up.

“Mom says Sophie’s funny like you.”

“Oh yeah?” He grins over at Rava.

“Yeah.” He smiles at his dad for a second and keeps building.

Kendall gets up and walks across the room for another cup of coffee, kissing Rava’s head before sitting next to her at the counter. She looks up from her book and takes a sip from her mug as she looks at him expectantly. She can see the wheels are turning in his mind about something as he taps his fingers on the marble.

“So, uh, I guess I have to go to Tom’s party this weekend,” he says a bit hesitantly. She looks apprehensive.

“Really?” She says slowly.

“Well- I mean, I have to do something. I can’t just let this Dad shit stand. Sandy is probably my best bet, and apparently he’s going to be there. I have to act fast.”

She looks dubious.

“I just- is this whole thing the best way to move forward? What about the art thing, with Frank?”

“Well, sure, I mean, me and Frank can team up on anything, though. I’m taking him with me to the top. Obviously. I mean, and maybe I do both, you know? Take it supersonic. CEO and art expert.” He chuckles. “Just watch me next year talking about who-the-fuck-ever at the Met Gala.” He flashes her a look of real excitement and she watches him pump himself up with her chin in her hand and a weakly happy expression. She loves him like this too much to disappoint him, but the party is scaring her.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to stop you from taking it supersonic,” she says wryly. He really is cute when he gets psyched about an idea. She missed his major enthusiasm.

He puts his face right in front of hers.

“You’ll see.” He gives her a kiss and turns to walk away.

.........................

The next Friday, Kendall walks into Rava’s office at 1:45 in the afternoon looking for something. Anything. She knows he’s already worked out, eaten lunch, read a chapter of his book, checked on the markets, called Roman to argue about including Stewy in their plan, talked to Frank, and helped Iverson finish the spaceship before he even left for school. It’s endearing that he’s still buzzing with energy. She can practically feel the need for action emanating from him and she knows he’s going crazy without a job.

“Hey. No lunch break today?” He asks, trying a little too hard to sound relaxed.

She smiles at his hint at missing out on today’s afternoon delight.

“Sorry, baby. I have so much to do here.”

“Right,” he nods, glancing at the tall stacks of paper on her desk. He feels a little useless.

“Uh… can I help?” He asks.

“You want to put my assistant out of a job?”

“How long does she take to file these?” He gestures at a tall stack of papers.

“I don’t know, four hours?” Rava smiles.

“I bet I’ll be done in half that.”

She shakes her head and chuckles.

“Okay. They’d better be in the right order.”

He gestures to himself and smirks.

“Taking over a multi-billion dollar empire.”

“Sure,” she nods with a smile. “Okay. File away.”

She looks back at her screen and continues reading, and in her absorption it seems like it’s only been minutes when he comes back in with everything done.

“All right,” he says. How long was that?”

She glances at the clock and smiles as she looks up at him from the desk.

“Two and a half hours.”

“That’s pretty good, yeah?”

“Yeah!” She nods in an overly-encouraging way. He gives her an annoyed smile and nods along to her good-natured condescension.

“Okay. Yeah.” They both laugh a little. She turns back to her laptop and lets out a big sigh.

“What?” He asks.

“I don’t know if-“ She glances at him. “Well, there’s some stuff in here that I’ve never dealt with before. It’s, um, sort of business-related, but- bad. I don’t know, we have a consultant but I…” she trails off and looks back at his face.

“You…”

“I kind of need some advice from someone who’s worked with this stuff before a lot.”

“Fuckin’ bad business stuff?”

“Uh… yeah, you could say that. It’s a bit dark. So I guess, someone who has maybe seen some questionable business tactics at work?” She looks at him and he furrows his brow.

“Me?” His eyes widen in surprise for a moment. “Questionable business tactics.” A flicker of amusement crosses his face. “Sure. I might have seen those. But, uh, what about your whole ‘good rule-following lawyer’ thing?”

“I think I’m in over my head,” she says quietly.

“Okay, I’m all yours.” He looks at her like she might be losing her mind. “But, you know that’s illegal, right?” He sort of smiles at her completely out-of-character request. He’s practically kicked out whenever she takes a client phone call. She gives him a really worried look and he sees the seriousness. “Okay, let’s hear it.” She takes a breath.

“Well, you know my client Tony Trume?”

“The- yeah, the one I got the judge-“

She squeezes her eyes shut in guilt as she cuts him off.

“-Yeah.” She sighs. “Well, I don’t know if you’ve dealt with this specifically, but he worked at a resort. And his low-level bosses would gather up the employees at the end of their shifts and collect ‘taxes,’ which, obviously…”

“…were not taxes,” he finishes.

“Right. And some of them were not exactly legally allowed to be working in the country, so they couldn’t do anything about it without being deported.” Kendall sighs. He can see where this is going. “So, I guess one of the guys stood up to the boss one night and refused to give him the money and said he would call the police if he did it again tomorrow. Um, but the next day that guy was gone. And Tony has a work visa so he wanted to do something. So this is- well…” She takes a nervous breath. “…Maybe they killed someone, you know?” She looks freaked out. “And it’s on me to help. I mean, maybe they didn’t kill him. Maybe he’s stuck somewhere, maybe…”

“Fuck,” Kendall says, rubbing his temple.

“Yeah. So, any suggestions? On dealing with resorts, or hospitality, or, you know, kidnapping, murder?”

“Uh… wow. Well, you know, Waystar hasn’t had resorts for like, ten years or something, but there was always some fucked-up shit happening at cruises, so I mean, I can tell you they probably all have NDAs, but if there’s a domino effect the company probably won’t go after everyone. But as for that guy- probably just deported him. Killing him would be kind of hard to cover up.”

A flicker of shock flames in her eyes as she looks at him for a second before she extinguishes it. He doesn’t miss it.

“I- I mean, I haven’t seen that, obviously. But who knows what Mo and those fuckin’ creeps did?”

“You don’t?”

“No!” He scoffs. “Come on, I don’t, we were in college when all that was happening. I didn’t even work there yet.” He’s taken aback by the assumption. “I’m just saying it’s probably good news for Tony’s coworker. He’s probably fine.” She backs off as she realizes the timeline is accurate.

“Yeah. You’re right, okay. Then why hasn’t he called?”

“I mean- would you call if you were him?” He shrugs. “He probably wants nothing to do with them ever again.”

“Yeah.”

“Just, uh, look into NDAs and talk to immigration first. I bet you’ll find him. And he can talk and you’ll get what you need. You’re gonna kill this. You got it. If you need anything, you know, I’m like, five feet away at all times,” he laughs a little. She nods and smiles and reaches for his hand for a minute.

“Thank you.”

He loves the feeling of her wanting his advice. It feels like the old days. He turns to head out of the office, but he wants to clear up the earlier weirdness. He reluctantly turns back around before he gets to the door.

“You know, when it’s me in the top job, I won’t cover for them. If our new plan works, you know, things are going to change at the firm.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” She gives him a bit of a forced smile and he doesn’t like it much. But she’ll see. He dreads the idea of going back into the living room to do nothing and decides to charm his way back into his favorite distraction.

“So you’re making me your new consultant now, right?” He looks at her intensely with only a flicker of humor.

She looks up and gives him a smile.

“Oh, sure, welcome to the exciting world of thousand-page documents!”

“I destroy thousand-page documents.”

“Of course you do,” she nods.

“You gonna be my boss?” He asks, eyebrows raised. She laughs at the floor. His efforts to lure her into a new game are beyond charming.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” She asks, meeting his eyes again.

He shakes his head.

“Absolutely not. I can be your boss, though. I’d like to see you in my office, actually.”

“Well, we’re in my office right now,” she returns smoothly and gestures to the papers. “And I think you could have filed these faster.” She makes a jokingly doubtful face. “You’re supposed to take over a media company or something?”

“That’s it,” he says, striding over to her and scooping her up from the chair by her waist. “You’re in so much trouble,” he whispers in her ear.

“No! I remember it now. Something ‘star.’” She pretends to try to get away as he nods sarcastically. “I don’t know, I was distracted by my hot new consultant.”

“Oh, right. Well, your hot new consultant is about to make moves.” He kisses her until she starts grabbing at him and then pulls back and walks out the door. She gasps playfully.

“What are you doing??” She asks. He smiles.

“Getting dressed for the party. Wait til you see what Jess got me yesterday.” Her stomach drops a bit at the reality that he’s really going to a party that will inevitably be filled with everything he shouldn’t be near. It makes her want to stick close to him. She follows him into their room and sits on the bed while he puts on his new outfit. He opens his arms to show off.

She looks amused at his t-shirt and blazer.

“That’s what you’re wearing?”

“Oh, what- you’re judging?” He smiles to cover the slight insecurity. “This is fucking awesome.”

She tries not to laugh.

“Is it?”

“Yeah.” He shakes his head and chuckles a little. “You know, not all of us want to wear cardigans all the time.”

“Wow, I like my cardigans.”

“Oh, I know,” he teases. “At night I just think about unbuttoning all those sexy sweaters you have.” His glances down her body and thinks that sounds good right now. The only good thing about their time apart was the fanning of the flame between them.

“Okay, BYE. You can leave now,” she laughs and his mind wanders.

“Remember that little green thing you wore to the club in Prague that one time that we-“

“Almost got arrested?” She crosses her arms and can’t help smiling a little bit. “Yes, I do.”

“Do you still have it?”

“Bye, Ken!”

She playfully pushes him out the bedroom door and she walks back inside.

“Will you wear it when I get home?” She hears through the door.

She sticks her head out the door.

“Maybe.”

.........................

The creepy dark and wet entryway is enough to make him want to turn around again. It makes him uneasy and he doesn’t even know why. It just feels wrong. Everything does here. He walks slowly with Roman into the party, but once he’s in, he only glances around for a second before searching for Sandy with a tunnel vision he’s been planning. He doesn’t even want to see the endless variety of what’s in everyone’s pockets here.

“Ken.” He turns around with dread at hearing Stewy’s voice behind him. Sandy stands talking to a few people nearby. Kendall keeps it cold when he speaks.

“I’m not here to talk to you.”

“Ohh, who told you not to, your therapist?” Kendall crosses his arms. “Tell her I say hi,” Stewy smiles. “Is she hot? I bet you got the hottest therapist in the city.”

Kendall scoffs.

“Fuck off, man, seriously. I have my life together and things cooking, despite your best efforts.”

Stewy looks slightly pained.

“Come on. I don’t want it to be like that. I told you in my many messages, I had-“

“-to follow the money,” they say in unison. Kendall rolls his eyes.

“Well, I hope it was worth it,” he says bitterly.

“Ken. Come on, talk to me about this. The vote’s in the past. And yes, I should have told you about Sandy. But maybe there’s an opportunity here. Ro Ro tell you what we have on the table?”

“Sure. Except I can’t trust you.”

“Okay. That’s fair.” Kendall’s done with this and shakes his head, starting to turn away. “And what if I told you there’s a shape for this bear hug in which you end up where you want to be?”

Kendall furrows his brow and gives him an uncertain look.

“As in…”

Stewy tilts his head and savors the words he says.

“C-E-O.”

He can feel Kendall’s surge of energy from the possibility those three syllables have.

“Yeah, well, that’s- that’s not real. If the market doesn’t think-“

Stewy shrugs casually.

“We’ll sell it. It’ll work.”

He looks at Stewy suspiciously but Stewy knows there’s no way he’s walking away now.

“Well, obviously that’s bullshit. That’s not what you said last month. I want to hear it from Sandy.”

Stewy rolls his eyes.

“Sandy!” He calls. He lowers his voice. “He’s not going to appreciate you interrupting his freak time, Ken.” Kendall doesn’t smile. Sandy walks over and shakes Kendall’s hand.

“Our new business partner,” Sandy greets him. That slightly phony smile never changes, Kendall thinks.

“Sandy, good to see you.”

“I see Stewy must have been filling you in. We all have our hands full tonight, so I’ll just get to the point. We’d like to have you in charge.” Stewy gives Kendall a look.

“Uh huh. And, uh, if I can ask, why this sudden decision?”

“Well,” Sandy smiles wider. “I think we all have at least one common goal here.”

He doesn’t need to say it for Kendall to realize that his father’s biggest rival would love nothing more than simply to make Logan fly off the handle. Kendall looks away for a second. Of course that’s why they want him to lead. It was supposed to make his dad proud to see him take over. He forces a smile and tries to focus on the memory of the morning last month when he walked in the office before everyone else as interim CEO. Just for a moment, he’d felt like he was right where he was supposed to be.

“Yes, we do have one thing in common.”

“Good, good. Glad that’s settled.”

“Sure, but you should know that I know this shit inside out. I’m not looking to be a figurehead.”

“No, no, of course not. And as a non-figurehead, you do understand, then, that there may or may not be a place for your brother.”

Kendall freezes for a moment.

“Well- right, but, uh, we’ll find him something.” Sandy raises his eyebrows and it’s not beyond Kendall that this is a test. “I mean- someone must need an assistant, right?” He fake-smiles and Sandy gives him a long look of assessment.

“Right. Or not, we’ll see. Nice to see you, Kendall. Enjoy the night.” Sandy gives a conspiratorial nod and heads back toward his group.

Stewy looks at Kendall and waits for him to say something. Kendall crosses his arms again.

“So, what, I’m supposed to be happy to be a pawn in Sandy’s fucking revenge plot against my dad?”

“Don’t think of it like that. Think of it like, I get fuckin’ rich, Sandy gets his revenge, and you get the title you want so much.” Stewy says it with just enough sarcasm not to sell it.

“I want the actual role, Stewy.”

“You’ll have it!”

Kendall searches his eyes to see if it’s true. Unreadable.

Stewy’s face softens for a moment.

"Come on, you and me, bro. Let’s do this. Finally.” He opens his arms.

Kendall’s half-reluctant as he gives in and lets Stewy give him a big hug. He stares across the room and wonders if he should have told him to fuck off again instead. Stewy’s relieved and pats Kendall’s back as he lets go. He checks his phone and smiles.

“Okay. Good. So we’re set. And I have to go, I’m in high demand tonight. But hey. We’re doing this.”

“Right.”

“Like we always planned!” Stewy calls as he points at Kendall and walks into the throng of people.

Kendall walks away from Stewy and sighs. He hates that he always forgives everyone so easily. He grimaces at the idea of Roman and Stewy plotting how to puppet-master him together. Are they high-fiving now? How does he know that they aren’t planning to oust him after using him to make the deal with Sandy? The whole ousting-Roman thing could have been fake, conceived by Roman himself. He can’t believe he let them back in like it was nothing and gets angry at himself for always doing that. This is why he gets stepped on, he thinks, it’s why Rava knew he’d stick around for three years. Everyone takes advantage. Roman voted against him, Stewy’s only supporting him for the potential payout, Rava knew he’d come back whenever she wanted. Even Dad is probably just waiting for him to come crawling back. It makes him want to throw something at the wall. He just wants to stop feeling like this and he looks around for something, anything, to get him out of his head.

But the minute he comes back to his senses, he wishes he hadn’t.

The drinks are everywhere. Lines on the table, smoke in the air, pills in every palm. He can’t look in any direction without seeing something he would have grabbed and ingested just a few years ago. Emotional crisis or not, he needs to hear her voice, needs her to tell him what he knows he should do.

Rava picks up on the first ring. She stayed awake just in case. She always has.

“Hey. You okay? How’s everything?” She’s trying not to sound stressed. She hates the loud music in the background. It reminds of her of past phone calls she’d rather not remember.

“Hey. Everything’s fine, I just, uh, this probably isn’t the best place for me.”

She puts her book down and sits up taller in bed. She knew the bachelor party was a bad idea.

“Okay. Yeah, Ken, you should walk out of there, okay? Even if no one comes with you.”

“Yeah.”

She’s leaning onto her hand with her eyes closed.

“Okay, are you walking out?”

Tom walks by with a tall blonde carrying drinks. Kendall’s eyes follow the ice cubes.

“Ken.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m walking out.”

She’s desperate to hear the music stop. Her entire life depends on hearing it stop.

“Okay, like, now? You’re leaving now?”

“Uh huh. I’m… yeah. I’m gonna leave. But I don’t know, I should talk to Sandy again maybe. Yeah? I kind of think he and Stewy might be planning-“

He looks at the bar and wonders if they have any non-alcoholic beer. Her heart is pounding.

“No. No, you shouldn’t talk to Sandy again, you can call him tomorrow. Just, you have to just walk out the door and everything will be fine. Are you walking?”

He’s standing.

He’s not answering.

“Hey. You’re actually really scaring me right now, what are you doing?”

He watches Tom laughing at Greg over a powder-covered table.

He wants to clean off the entire thing himself.

“I- nothing, I’m leaving. Yeah.” He turns away from it slowly. He’s so tired of being so tightly wound all the time. Tired of being taken advantage of. He just wants to erase it all.

“I fucking forgot what it looked like to relax,” he says to her. She might have a heart attack imagining what he’s looking at.

“That is not relaxing. That is hell.” She’s thinking of texting Roman to get him out of there and trying to keep her voice even. “Is Roman with you?”

“He’s somewhere… yeah. Following me around. He’s always like that. Can’t come up with anything himself, it’s like we’re fifteen.”

“Can you go to him?” She asks, the tension killing her.

“I don’t know.. yeah. Why, you think my kid brother needs to babysit me?” She doesn’t like the edge in his voice. “He can’t be trusted. This whole thing could be a test.”

“Come on, it’s not me. You called me to tell me you shouldn’t be there. You’re right. Come home. I’m here, the kids are here… Call the driver there and come home.”

He sighs and puts serious effort into focusing on the image of the kids on the couch in the family room and Rava in his sweater in their favorite armchair.

“Yeah. Okay. Yeah.” He tries to remember the coping skills he learned in rehab, but all he feels is a desperate need for every substance around him even as it’s all threatening to destroy his life. He pictures sitting on the floor alone in his old place, sees her tears in his mind, hears her broken voice telling him to go because she can’t do this anymore and neither can the kids. His worst memories combined with his worst fears. He closes his eyes and tries as hard as he possibly can to take steps toward the door. “I’m going.”

He looks at the exit sign and focuses all his energy on taking one step at a time toward it. He sends a text to the local driver as he gets closer. He’s almost starting to feel like he’s going to make it out when Roman runs up behind him.

“Uh- hold on, Roman’s here,” he says to Rava. Her nails are digging into her skin.

“Are you leaving?” Roman asks.

“Yeah. I can’t be here.”

“Good for you.. I mean, yeah, just wanted to make sure you’re all, like, good and shit.”

He pats his little brother on the back. At least he can tell this is real.

“Yeah. I’m good.”

“Okay, good, so… we’ll talk more about this deal, right? Because I kind of think Sandy might be forgetting about me-”

“Yeah.” Kendall turns to go. He just has to get out of here, he’ll deal with Roman later.

“Hey, who are you talking to?” Roman asks suspiciously.

“Rava.”

“Are you really talking to Rava, or are you maybe talking to Nick the candy man?”

“You want to talk to her?” Kendall glares at him and hands the phone over. He’s not in the mood to argue and just wants to leave. Roman feels bad but he takes the phone anyway.

“Rava?”

“Yes. Hi. Can you make sure he actually walks out the door?”

Roman tries to turn away from Kendall but he hears his reply anyway.

“Yeah, I will. Just wanted to make sure it was actually-“

“I know. I appreciate it.”

“Okay. I’m gonna give you back to that idiot you married. I still think you’re too good for him, by the way.”

Kendall grabs the phone out of his hand.

“Fuck off. I’m leaving.”

“Bye, asshole. Call me,” Roman says.

Kendall rolls his eyes as Roman turns to walk back into the party.

“Okay,” he says back into the phone. “I’m going.” He finally walks through the door and the frantic rhythm of the music finally fades along with the thumping of her heart.

“Oh, my god,” she whispers with a sigh. "Wow, I really want to see you right now,” she says softly.

“Me too.”

"I wish you were home. I’m already in bed… you must be so tired.”

He glances at his watch. 2:25 AM.

“Yeah, I’m kind of.. dying, actually. Wish I was already getting in bed with you.”

She wraps her arms around her pillow.

“Me too.”

He leans against the car door in exhaustion.

"I'll be there soon.”

“How many hours?” She asks. He smiles.

“One. I love you.”

“I love you so much.” She’s relieved and missing him like crazy. “I’ll see you soon.”

The call ends and she scoots down to tuck herself into bed. It seems too big and empty tonight. She closes her eyes and counts the minutes til she can fall asleep to the sound of him breathing next to her.

An hour later, she’s sleeping but restless. Even after all that time apart, she still finds that she doesn’t really get any good sleep when he isn’t there. The sound of the elevator door opening wakes her and she’s never been so pleased to hear it. She listens to his footsteps across the marble floor. He opens the door just a crack and slips into the dark room, looking at the bed to try to see if he woke her up and whether she’s actually going to be happy to see him.

“Hey,” she whispers. The relief at actually having him in the room after that phone call is coming in waves. “I’m so glad you’re home. Come here.” She wants him to feel good about calling for support. He should know there are no punishments for that.

He wonders if he smells like booze and smoke from the party as he shrugs his jacket off and pulls off his new sneakers and jeans, walking over to kiss her. She reaches up and tugs him down toward her.

“You, uh, don’t think I should wash the party off me first?”

“No, I don’t care,” she says softly as he leans over her. “Come here, I need you to be here.”

He feels the weight lifted off his shoulders as he lets her pull him into her arms and under the covers.

She cuddles up to him as she breathes him in and smiles.

“You smell like college,” she says. He chuckles as she pulls off his t-shirt and he pulls the blanket up.

“I told you,” he whispers.

The scent brings a memory right back.

“It smells like the time you left that huge party after your finals and you came over late at night because I was so stressed about my tests the next day. You gave me a massage and told me everything would be okay even though you had just been at Sig Chi’s end-of-the-year party.”

He blinks.

“You remember that?”

“Mmhmm, you came over just to be there.” She runs her fingers through his hair.

“Kind of thought I was the only one who thinks about that stuff,” he says. “It was such a long time ago.” She shakes her head.

“Not so long.” She revels in how warm he feels and how grateful she is that he’s okay after tonight. Her voice comes out just above a whisper. “You’re still the same, you know. You’ve always been so good.”

He’s almost overwhelmed. He’s so glad he came home. He smiles and looks down for a second.

“Those are some really nice words to say to a guy who just left a pretty disgusting bachelor party.”

“Yeah. You left,” she smiles, looking up at him in the dark. He gazes back at her.

“I had a pretty amazing reason to get home.”

She gives him a little kiss. She missed his romantic moments and wants him to say more cute things.

“I did leave,” he says, more to himself than to her, and she can’t remember the last time she saw him look this genuinely proud of himself. “I hope- I didn’t mean to scare you tonight.”

“No, you didn’t… I mean, a little, but I always want you to call.” She kisses him again and he keeps it going as he tries to think of anything to say that expresses how he feels hearing that even after all they’ve been through. There’s a moment of quiet.

“So,” she starts apprehensively. She takes a breath. “Look, after all of this,  I just don’t know that you should go back into Waystar.”

“What? I have to.” The answer is immediate.

“Do you?"

“What do you- I mean, this is what I’m doing. It’s- it’s CEO. This is what I’ve been waiting for.” He looks almost confused at her lack of reaction. “And… look, tonight was hard. I don’t have to tell you because you know, but like- If I don’t have this, I just-“ There’s a pause full of history and dread. “I need it.”

“Well, I do get that. I do. I know.” She wishes she could make it easy for him, that he didn’t have to struggle so hard just to stay afloat and be himself.

She knows she’s right about one thing. Waystar might be the thing to keep him on the right path, but Logan isn’t.

“Well, if you do this, really- you have to take out your dad. We both want you to stay in this good place.” He nods, but he’s getting tired of feeling like a project. “And Logan has proven he isn’t going to help with that. So, if you do this…” She takes another breath. “I can only get behind it if you honestly think this is going to work and he’s going to be out. Is this going to work?”

“Yeah. He’s going out. We’re winning this. It’s my time.” He tries to get though to her so she’ll feel the excitement he’s been feeling all week at the prospect of getting it all back somehow. He’s trying not to let it drop just because he feels like Sandy and Stewy are using him. “I mean, come on, this is- this is the plan. I-” He pauses and realizes she really might not be behind his life plan at all. “I want this.”

He tries to stay levitated and lifts his head, looking at her expectantly. She takes too long to exhale.

“Yeah. Okay. Good. If it’s going to work, then good. Sure,” she says. He looks so disappointed and breaks eye contact as he blinks down and lays his head back down slowly. It makes her sad to feel his positive energy dissolve. She’d almost forgotten how sensitive he is when he tells her about a big idea and she worries about the assumptions he’s probably making.

“Hey, I do believe in you.” She waits for him to look back at her but he keeps his eyes down. She tilts her head to look at him more closely and playfully jostles him. “Come back. I only want what’s going to make you happy.”

“Well, I’m doing this- this is the plan,” he tells her half-heartedly. He tries to focus on imagining everyone’s impressed faces when he’s killing it. “You, Stewy, Sandy, Roman, you’ll see when it works.”

“Ouch. I am not grouped with them!” She says as lightly as she can. He shrugs.

“I mean-“ he gestures at her. She used to joke about them being Waystar royalty someday. He remembers the time she put a paper crown on his head in his home office and called him “your highness” all afternoon. He’d laughed and shaken his head, but he hadn’t taken it off. He wants that back. He mentally adds getting her faith back to his to-do list.

“No- I know you can do this,” she assures him. “I do. As long as you can- handle it all, and it’s really what you want.”

“I can. And it is.” She takes it in for a second and silently sighs.

“Okay. Then I’m with you.”

He looks at her and she nods, holding his gaze for a moment so he’ll know she means it. And so she can look a little longer.

She brushes her hand over the stubble on his cheek and he feels a bit better.

“You know, this is sexy,” she says as she moves him down so she can feel it brushing her neck. He smiles a little into her skin.

“Yeah? You like the unemployed look?”

She laughs.

“Never working, that’s always been your problem.”

“Uh huh.”

“Hey, you know what you can do when you don’t have to go to work?”

He thinks.

“Honestly, no. What?”

“Spend the whole… day… in bed.”

“Mmm,” she feels him smile again and he pulls her closer against him.

“The kids have playdates tomorrow, and you might be glad to know I found that green thing, so…”

He pulls back just to look at her and she sees his eyes flash in the dark.

“Seriously?”

He’s so easy to rile up.

“Yeah. I’m not as boring as you think.” He chuckles.

“You could never be boring. It’s actually good you don’t wear stuff like that around the house or I’d never go to work. Or- uh, out. But to be clear, you’re definitely wearing it tomorrow, right?”

She gives him a flirty smile.

“Yes.” She puts her forehead on his and sees the little spark coming back into his eyes.

He moves back down to his usual sleeping spot and kisses her shoulder. She’s so glad he’s coming back to being himself this week. The energy has returned. He has a mission. She hopes he knows he has support.

“I missed you. I’m glad you’re back,” she says as she hugs him.

“Me too.”

Chapter 10 💗

[floralcrematorium]

I don't know if youve answered this before, but what made you come back? I'm not that old in the fandom, maybe half a year and it's so interesting how that fandom changed and how it used to be.

Thanks for the ask! I'm gonna be real with you, it was an accident. This is about to be a loooooooong ass post so I'm putting it beneath the cut:

It happened steadily in July. A very slippery slope.

I left in or around 2018 just because I lost interest. A friend in 7th grade introduced me to it in early 2014. I had been running my Instagram account since Summer of 2014 with my best friend (who at the time had been my partner, and by 2018 we had broken up) and our other friend. We'd all moved on and the account became dead. It wasn't a good account, but we'd amassed 1.1k followers during our tenure. Those were the days of if you wanted to post a comic, there were no Instagram slides. You had to post it all individually. The account was deleted in 2021? I think? 2020?

So come July 2023, I was poking around in my old Google Drive and found some of my old Hetalia stuff. Which included a fic with the aforementioned friends. It uh. Is not good. I reread it and oh boy is it a product of its time (we were probably 13-15 when we wrote it) and it was a 3 way POV that we all wrote with self insert characters. It was basically Heta characters get thrown in the setting of Outlast but with the plot of FNAF. Yeah. So uh. Not much to defend there. I jokingly went to my friends like "Hey, what if we rewrote this but not horrible" and we genuinely thought about it! For a night.

But for me it wasn't one night.

I kept thinking about it.

And one thing led to the next, I was revisiting old Youtube videos I liked and reread a fic I used to like.

I think what really did me in was listening to the character songs again and a couple of hetaloid covers. I was doing artfight and listening only to Hetalia music while I drew.

I genuinely did not really use my normal Tumblr before floralcrematorium came to be. I have an entirely separate account for personal stuff and art (I will not be sharing it) and it got to a point where I was seeking so much Hetalia stuff that I figured, why the fuck not, and eventually made an account. I also eventually made my first A03 account (I was on Wattpad and FFN back in the day) because someone wrote a CanUkr fic where Mattie had overexerted himself and was in the hospital and Katya and Alfred were going to kill him because he kept insisting he could work (I CANNOT FIND THIS FIC AGAIN, I FOUND IT ON TUMBLR ORIGINALLY, PLEASE HELP IF THIS RINGS A BELL!!).

And uh, so here I am!

I draw Hetalia stuff on occasion (I should... draw more considering that's what I went to college for but whatever) and have a couple of ideas for illustration series in my head.

I've got a lot of fic ideas I want to write. I have a literal list on my phone. I think about it in bed, at work, and little things remind me of Hetalia all the time.

I've gotten back into RP (I used to use Shamchat and Kik).

I've met so many cool people and I've been having a wonderful time being back so far. When I was originally in the fandom, I consumed a lot of content, but as far as mutuals went it was just me and my two friends. Meeting so many new people has been absolutely wonderful.

Hetalia is really the only fandom I've been in. I've liked other media and consumed fics/enjoyed art/bought prints (COUGH RWBY), but Hetalia is the only media I've ever had fan accounts for. It's the only media I've so deeply entrenched myself in that I feel comfortable writing fics. My walls used to be covered in Hetalia -- both official wall scrolls and shitty art I'd made myself (I have pictures I can attach at the end of the post). I had... so much merch. When I was 14 I only asked for Hetalia related things for my birthday. Every now and again I get that "am I doing the right thing?" ick because of the negative fandom reputation and reactions I'd get from people when I would admit to having liked Hetalia in the past, but I don't care about that now. Genuinely, fuck that. I like this piece of media whether I want to or not. I'm not going to be a self-hating Hetalia fan like I was in 2018-2021/22. I've come back to the show with completely different... motives? Idk what the right phrase is here -- I'm here to explore the characters of these little freaks (looking at you, Francis), I love all of the fanart I see, I like the exchange of historical and cultural information/resources.

Sure, I'd consider my fandom niche to be humanverse Francis and FACE fam, but I genuinely enjoy exploring outside of my corner of the fandom. I try to spread myself out -- I want to consume everything. I want to be exposed to everything.

Hetalia is one of the single most impactful pieces of media in my life. Without it, I wouldn't have my best friend, who broke up with me for APH Austria in 2015. The friends I ran the Instagram account with and I are all still in contact. I talk to one much more frequently than the other, but they are both so near and dear to my heart and I can't believe that this silly show is what got us to where we are. The youngest of us is about to graduate college a whole year early. I met her when she was 11 and I was 12 or 13? I couldn't be more proud of her, of the three of us, and it's been so fun to have these occasional nights where we (okay, just me) get tipsy and go through old fandom media/watch the dub and go ooooof. I was in a really bad place when I was originally into Hetalia. Coming back now feels like coming full circle.

The old fandom had plenty of its own issues, and the fandom now certainly isn't devoid of issues, but now that the fanbase has shifted to an older audience and I actually have like. Social skills. I love talking to other people. I like creating. I like thinking about these stupid characters before I go to bed.

My single favorite thing about the Hetalia fandom now is the care put into historical work as well as the exploration of portrayals of the characters. Because Hetalia lacks a plot and Hima is constantly retconning things, everyone has their own interpretations of everything. Everyone has their own version of Francis Bonnefoy, Yao Wang, or Alfred F. Jones. And that's so cool!!! You don't see that anywhere else.

I know I'm typically a pessimist on main, but I'm genuinely glad to be back. It's weird to be back. I've had mixed reactions from irl friends that I'm back.

But who the fuck cares?

I'm having fun, I'm making friends, and I can't believe there are still people here.

I genuinely hope I'm here for a while. I have so much I want to write. I want to draw all of the things my skill level was too low for back when I was a teen.

CRINGE IS DEAD AND I AM FREE.

The following images are certainly about to destroy any cool perception anyone has of me, if they even do. I was... certainly a teenager, is all I have to say! I am,,, thankfully not like this anymore. I hope.

Here are those pictures of my bedroom circa 2015 I promised:

DO NOT ASK ME ABOUT THE LIVE LAUGH LOVE.

That drawing of Russia with Neko-Talia Russia? Yeah. Uh. I did that for an art project in the 7th grade for class. I also did a ceramics piece with the mochis, that I've since lost. These images scream "I'm 14 and like Hetalia in 2015."

I used to have little hearts with all the ships I liked in them (I think that's AusHun in the picture on the left?). I also had "I love you" written in like 20 languages on index cards taped above my headboard.

Also a literal timestamp I found in my old emails with the friend who got me into Hetalia:

Being a young teenager in the old fandom certainly,,,, was something. I would not relive that, but by god would I do ANYTHING to get my favorite pieces of fan media back from that time. There was a video called "Hetalia What Did You Do To Panda" which was a bunch of clips from the anime with Katie Herzig's "Hey Na Na" playing in the background. Every now and then a dub audio clip would interject with the song.

I also really miss this one very specific Character Theme Songs video that had Poland in the thumbnail. Mein Gott would play between each song and I could tell you most of the songs that had been assigned to each character.

I would do ANYTHING to get those videos back. I miss them so much.

Anyway, if you read this whole thing, thanks for reading??? I am very Cool And Normal about the things I like, unfortunately. It's nice to come back to Hetalia and like... be a normal person about it.

All I've got to say is, when I like something, I like it a lot.

[remmammie]

Hello, Can I request sort of an angsty sora x reader where the readers heart feels super hurt and abandoned because sora doesn't have as much time as he used to, to spend with them cause of his traveling. They feel super sad and a little angry so they leave without telling sora and go to the realm of darkness hoping to find peace and quiet. Not taken over by the darkness but just wanting to be away from everything thats bothering them. Sora eventually finds them but they are still mad and unwilling to leave, thinking he doesn't care. What would he do to get them home again? How far would he go to bring them back?

Ahh, I'm sorry these are taking so long!! I just have so many and college and Genshin is a daily grind and friends!! Gosh, I'm going to do this as a slightly more literary piece to make up for it. Enjoy!

Where the Heart is - Sora x Reader Angst/Comfort

Deep in the Realm of Darkness, the ashen waves that lapped against the sand were nothing more than white noise: a monotonous sound that filled stagnant air. If you focused closely enough on the repetitive washing of water, maybe it would be easier to forget why you were so entrenched in darkness. The pearlescent moon may have been shining on overhead, but it was eternal there, losing its lustre and intrigue.

You sighed. You should be angry, enraged, even, at the fact that Sora's time was continuously stolen away by the worlds. You should be and yet it was difficult to dismiss the aching longing in your heart for the smiling boy. Such a desperate desire to occupy more of his time bested the "need" be mad. The longer you spent with your mind filled with memories of his smiling face, his ecstatic voice, and his encouraging words, the deeper the craving wormed into your heart.

Hearing his voice was solace, like the Sun breaking after a silent night filled with loud thoughts. Still, you chose not to look directly at the glowing star behind you - surely it would be bad for you to forgive him so easily? You had a point to prove and, if mirroring his behaviour was what got him to think more seriously about how it affected you, then mirror him you would. His voice sounded so distraught and Sora's hand lowered slowly after recognising you weren't going to forgive him with the snap of a finger.

He came to sit beside you in the greyed sand. For once, there was no Keyblade in sight, no loud companions (though you did love his friends dearly,) and no mention of some big, life-changing mission that your poor heart couldn't take the anxiety of. But you turned your head away, burying it in your arms perched on your tucked-in knees. Sora smiled, a mixture of guilt and sadness permeating his face.

He describes the integrity of what he's been doing: saving the worlds, you know? You know, but, even still... Am I not your world? Sora is quick to agree. He tells you that you both knew your relationship would be strained by his reputation and his abilities, his connections and his value across the worlds. He tells you that he's going to start taking some time for himself, for you, for both of you: there are other Keyblade wielders now. He tells you that you don't need to forgive him immediately, that he doesn't expect you to simply ignore the awful way he's ignored you recently. You say you don't forgive him just yet. He says that's fine.

The sound of waves return to fill the silence before Sora speaks again.

"Whenever I fight the darkness, it helps to think of the lights that are closest to my heart to keep me going and to help me be strong. I don't think it's any surprise that thinking of you gives me the strength to be the best Keyblade wielder the worlds have ever known!"

He gives you a beaming smile that's filled with awe and pride. He's so proud to have you as a partner, someone he knows is understanding when his words make you want to embrace him on the dark beach of the most desolate place in all the worlds.

And, suddenly, the sound of waves is much more familiar. They remind you both of life back on Destiny Islands: bright sunlight, friends, fish, the ocean, and how, no matter what, your love continues to flow like water.

[groundcontrol21]

Well, now that I am throughly entrenched in the Musketeers, I would love to hear all of your snz headcanons about them. 💕

(Also I hope you feel better!)

Both of my asks I got in response to my plea were Musketeer-related. Y'all know me so well. <3333333

So I've never gotten a snz headcanon question and it always kinda amazes me when people have all these well-thought-out headcanons when I just kinda write snz spellings how divine (or perhaps demonic) inspiration dictates. So these are going to be a bit more sick headcanon-ish than strictly snz, and I'll do my best bc I really haven't considered much about the other characters bc I've been so laser-focused on my man of God.

Sorry D'Artagnan, but he's gonna be the guy who suffers from the man-cold. Y'all got a glimpse of him sneezing in my allergy fic but yeah, he's a real "writes up a will when he feels a tickly throat coming on" type guy. He whinges and whines to Constance thinking it'll get him sympathy but really she's like "please grow up". When he ushers his first complaint at breakfast with the other musketeers, the trio is like "Oh God, we've got at least five days of complaining coming our way". Injuries? He takes those like a champ, even when he should rest. Illness? He runs Aramis ragged trying to keep up with all his aches and pains.

Athos somehow literally never gets sick. This has been a point of contention amongst Aramis and Porthos as long as they've known him because how can a man who drinks so much be so healthy? He'll spend nights in the rain after drinking so much and awake with nothing else but a hangover. Perhaps it's the ice bucket he uses to perk himself up in the mornings; it strengthens his constitution. They've known him to be sick once? Twice? In all the time they've known him, no matter how many illnesses go around the group or the garrison. And even then, it's just the mildest of colds. He just goes about his duty with a handkerchief and a bit of throat clearing, and retires a bit earlier than normal. Of course, he gloats about this all he can while caring for either Aramis or Porthos, teasing them for being "mere mortals" while he is hale and hearty.

Porthos gets sick an average amount. He'll usually pick up whatever is going around the garrison, but it's rare he falls very ill. Still, Aramis will always fuss over him. At first, he tried to hide it when he got sick because he wasn't that sick, so maybe he'd take it a bit easier but there's no need to worry anyone? But Aramis was far too perceptive and noticed something was up and called him on it, and assured him that it was no trouble to care for him. And Porthos loves it, even if its something as simple as Aramis noticing him at breakfast wincing a bit at his sore throat as he eats and asking if he's alright, or just checking in on Porthos again and again when he's definitely fit enough to stand duty, but he's got a bit of a chill and he's definitely felt better. So Porthos is the type of guy who will admit to not feeling well, but won't be overdramatic about it. He knows if he really needs something, he can ask his brothers, and that's all he needs to know to rally him.

And then Aramis, whom we have discussed in the form of fic at length. Despite the fact that I write about him constantly, I headcanon him as the guy who doesn't get sick often, but when he does get sick it's bad. He's not to the level of Athos where you wonder how they are even human, but he doesn't pick up things quite as easily as Porthos or D'Artagnan either. He recognizes this pattern in himself, but because he's headstrong and stupid, he thinks that maybe this will be the time when it really just is a little sniffle and he can keep working and it'll all be fine and no one will notice and he'll be fine... And he's so good at keeping up this facade and keeping himself going out of stubborn force of will that sometimes his friends will even forget he's human too until he collapses.

All of them, though, are definitely guilty of neglecting their own health for the sake of their brothers (of course Aramis the most, I think, since he's got a guilt-complex from Savoy coupled with his identity as The Medic). Even D'Artagnan will rise from his sickbed and care for those he loves, but as soon as he knows they're fine, he will guilt trip them over it.

Another random thing: The rest of them are just so bad at anything resembling medicine that they just rely on Aramis to do the mending, healing, stitching, etc. So much so that Aramis will be sick as all get out and they'll be like "tell us how to fix you". Athos is especially guilty of this, and he has exactly 0 bedside manner bc he's so emotionally constipated.

[heartofspells]

How was Sirius with Harry in his low times after the trauma?

Oof. You're going right for the hurt, aren't you? But what am I if not a deliverer?

I very carefully avoided addressing this more than strictly necessary in the actual story itself. Because it's a difficult thing. How do you explain to a four-year-old, who's used to hugs and playing, wrestling, arms locking around legs, climbing all over you, that you can't stand to be touched by anyone anymore in a way that child will understand?

But here's another little outtake from At the Healing Edge of Broken, occurring sometime during chapter 10.

Cw: reference to mild, accidental hitting of Harry (but he's fine, it didn't hurt him), vague sense of depression, resistance to unwanted touch because of past trauma

(thank you so much to everyone for these. they could all be from the same person, but i don't care. please work my brain. let me live in this world for as long as possible. send all your questions, comments, musings to me. i will happily take them and hold them close)

Harry doesn't understand and Sirius can't explain. Lily and James both try, but Sirius can tell it doesn't catch or make any sense to the small boy, face still filled with confusion, eyes shifting to Sirius at odd moments.

They'd kept him away for a few days after it had happened. Sirius hadn't been consulted with the decision, but he knows his friends had thought it best. He thinks they were probably right judging by his reaction when Harry had finally returned and launched himself at Sirius where he'd been tucked into the corner of the sofa. Sirius had stiffened, arms flailing out wildly under the unexpected touch, having been drifting in a void and had not heard Harry entrance into the house.

Sirius had struck him, just a little, right in his side. Not enough to even really hurt, but it had been more than enough to cause Harry to retreat from him, eyes wide with startled shock, and guilt had welled so high inside Sirius, he'd nearly broken all over again from its crushing weight. Lily had checked him over as Sirius had watched from a distance, assuring Sirius Harry was more than fine, but it hadn't eased his hammering heart or coaxed the shriveling guilt from his body and soul.

But Harry, in the same way children always seem to move on from things so easily, most times, forgets soon enough. He wants to play, urges Sirius down to the floor with him, and Sirius goes when he can, when he's not sucked too far away from everything that matters most. He sprawls over the carpet with Harry as he always has, rolling cars about, teasing at Snuffles, making Harry giggle and tell him he's being silly, Padfoot. It warms Sirius, but eventually, Harry grows bored, wants to roll around, wrestle and tumble. He wants to touch, and Sirius can't.

He retreats with a mumbled apology, James watching from the doorway of the room, moving in to take Sirius' place with an ease Sirius knows is forced. He disappears to his room. He stays here a lot now, here or the back garden, his friends coax him back to the land of the living again. Because that's what this feels like, like some sort of limbo, a purgatory, if Sirius believed in such things. He's starting to, because he's stuck there, here. Can't escape. Voices of the damned scream constantly inside his head, so loud Sirius can't even begin to force them away.

Harry doesn't understand, maybe never will, and Sirius dearly hopes he never has to, that there's never a reason for his godson to look at this situation Sirius has found himself a part of, entrenched inside, and have even a notion of so that's what that was. He still searches Sirius out, urges him into play. He finds Sirius in his bedroom one afternoon while Sirius is waiting for dinner, for Remus to come, that wonderful distraction he craves and clings to like a man dying without oxygen until it's suddenly returning.

The boy climbs up onto the bed with sure movements, settling beside Sirius on its surface, staring up at the ceiling, Sirius watching him curiously. His expression is grave, green eyes pensive, small mouth twitching in deep thought.

"Hello, Padfoot," he says eventually, tone incredibly solemn for his four years. "Mummy says you're hurt again. Did you fall?"

Something in Sirius aches at the question, at the way Harry is still trying to make sense of the way things seem to have shifted around him. He shakes his head, still not moving it from gazing at his godson.

"No, Harry. I didn't fall."

Harry nods, looking a little more confused, mouth pinching up. "Where're you hurt? I can get my doctor bag, but Daddy said that won't work."

"Daddy's right, sprog," says Sirius quietly. "I wish he wasn't, but it won't work. But you can practice on my leg again sometime soon, just not today."

He expects Harry to brighten at the offering, but he doesn't, instead rolling to his side to face Sirius, his expression still far too dour for Sirius' liking.

"But if you're hurt, a doctor can fix it," argues Harry in growing frustration. "Mummy can take you to hospital. Kings can help you, make you feel better."

Sirius doesn't know what to do. What can he possibly say to calm the angry confusion mounting higher and higher in the boy beside him? He shifts to match Harry's position, gaze drifting over his frowning face, wanting to reach out and the lines away, knowing they have no right to be there or exist at all, Sirius the cause. He always is, for everyone, in everything. He can't escape it, no matter how hard he tries.

"Harry," he says on the breath of heavy sigh, "a doctor can't make this better." Sirius glances over him as Harry's face falls in front of him, and Sirius tries to find a way to explain. "Did you know there are different sorts of hurts?" Harry shakes his head, and Sirius tries to smile. "There's the type you can see, like when you hit your head on the table or scape up your knees sometimes, or like when I fell and injured my leg. Those are the types of hurt a doctor or mummies and daddies can fix. But there are other hurts, deeper ones. You can't see them with your eyes, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. They hurt your heart and your mind. And they hurt just as bad, sometimes more, but they aren't things that can be made better with a plaster and sweets. Does that make sense?"

Harry's eyes drop as he considers Sirius' words, his face pinching in further, mouth pulling at its corners. "What makes it better?" he finally asks, looking back up at Sirius.

Sirius' smile is sad, and he wishes desperately for it do be anything else. "I'm still trying to figure that out," he admits softly.

"Does Remus help?" And there's a bit of hope filling his green eyes now, shining a little, shifting Sirius' smile to something different, grateful. He's aware of how his godson feels about the other man, loving it when he comes round during the week, begging them not to leave when they do, Remus coaxing him from the house, the only one that's been successful so far.

"He's trying," says Sirius. "But it's not just him. Mummy and Daddy help as well, and so do you, just by being yourself."

"I do?" questions Harry, amazement filling him, drawing him from his well of confusion.

"Of course you do," attests Sirius adamantly, and before he can stop himself or think too much about what he's doing, he pressing forward, wrapping Harry up in gentle arms, pulling the boy close to him. "You always have, because I love you. You, Harry Potter, are one of the best things I've ever had in my life."

Sirius can feel the boy's smile against the skin of his neck where his nestled firmly. He squirms in his arms, a wonderful, joyful sound emerging from him, and Sirius thinks this is okay, this touch, this hold. He can do this. With Harry, he's okay.

[palpipeen]

The Story of Tick and Tock

This work deals with some HEAVY subject matter. Reader discretion is advised. My work is intended for audiences that are 18+ - MINORS DNI. Also - no goddamn cl*necest shipping here. Or ever on my blog.

A tale of two. One who wandered and found a way to touch starlight, and the other forever cast in the shadow. Rating: R for descriptions of injuries, swearing, alcohol Warnings: OC centric, HEAVY angst, death of a loved one, grief, identity crisis, heavy disassociation, violence (some gore, body horror, limb amputation, mentions of a massiff and a few Geonosians getting blown up), alcohol consumption, hinted alcoholism OCs are AMAB and go by he/him Word Count: 2109 AN: So I said I wasn't going to write unless I got inspired - and then I did. This one is as much a venting piece about some shit that's going on in my life as much as it's an exploration of my OCs, Riggs and Tock. Who I haven't introduced completely yet. There's also mentions of other OCs (Tick, JB/Jawbreaker, Quickshot, Hornet) who I'll introduce some other time. This was also inspired by System of a Down's Soldier Side (as evidenced by the lyrics I've got in this, lmao) because the Intro and Soldier Side songs just...do things to me. None of them good. I hope I did the horrors of war, grief, losing a loved one and the hopelessness of being a clone justice. Any critique on this is more than welcome.

Maybe you're a joker  Maybe you deserve to die -SoaD: Soldier Side

-----

“What I’m about to tell you doesn’t leave this room.”

Uh oh. 

Riggs feels his pulse skyrocket immediately, and struggles to keep it from showing in his expression. Instead he watches. A muscle in Sarge’s jaw jumps. He stares deeper into his glass. Knocks it back and then takes the whole damn bottle. Flicks off the cap with the practiced motions of a man who knows a bottle better than his own reflection.

Then he waits, and Riggs realizes he’s supposed to respond.

“Yes, sir.”

Sarge knocks back half of what’s left in the bottle. Riggs decides he’s done drinking.

“It’s about two cadets. No, not cadets - vod. Because that’s what they were. Comrades. Friends. Brothers. Even if one of them wanted to deny it.

“They were always running late - the younger by an infinitesimal fraction of a second could barely keep his head out of the clouds, stormy and unforgiving as they were. Always asking questions. Always seeking the next adventure. Whether that was in different battle simulations or trying to talk the alphas into giving him a few tips.

“His brother never understood why. Never tried to. Too deeply entrenched in adhering to regulations, in becoming the best weapon he could be. Not a soldier - a weapon. A tool of war. Because that’s all he ever saw himself as. Just another clip in the blaster, the switch on the detonator.

“The brothers were about four when the phrase became a regular occurrence - ‘tick, tock, boys, haven’t got all day!’ The daydreamer kept bringing it up.” 

Sarge’s nostrils flare as he lifts the bottle to his lips again. He’s getting sloppy. Some of it trickles down his chin, dipping down past his jaw and soaking into the hem of his blacks. But he doesn’t notice.

Riggs doesn’t mention it.

“‘Why do they keep saying that, do you wonder?’ He’d always ask the older one. ‘Do you suppose it means something more?’ And the older would scoff, ‘It means we’re lagging behind and could get relegated to latrine duty for life, idiot. Keep up and stop asking so many questions.’

“But he never listened. Never bloody listened when it mattered most.

“‘Some of the others are giving each other names,’ he said once, ‘So, d’you figure we could?’ The other cut the younger brother off. ‘That’s against the rules.’ But the daydreamer kept bringing it up - each time the instructors would get onto them. ‘Tick, tock, boys.’ His eyes, the only one with gray eyes out of the whole batch, would light up. ‘We’re the Tick Tock Boys, did ya hear that?’”

The bottle that’s now mostly backwash hits the table with a dull thunk. Sarge is usually really good with masking - so the moment his emotions start to eat at him, Riggs sees it.

“Older one kept telling the younger, ‘Stop that, you’ll get us into trouble.’ The younger would ask, ‘But why? Why do you think that? They’re just names. Just words.’ The older tried to ignore him. Tried to tell him off anytime he’d start asking questions, start talking, and the older one didn’t like dreaming. Didn’t like thinking of anything other than doing what he was created to be.

“But he did. Gods help him, he did, because the younger one kept dropping those seeds without realizing. His words became the sun, his presence the soil, and though the seeds took root they always shriveled up and died. ‘What’s the point?’ The older was always asking this. ‘Why bother thinking of what comes after the war, when the likelihood of us surviving it is less than zero?’

“‘Because we’re destined for greater things, brother.’ That’s what he said. That’s what he always said. ‘We’re the Tick Tock Boys, and time waits on us.’

“The fucking god complex on that one.” Sarge glances up at the ceiling, chuckling. Riggs hasn’t ever heard him laugh before. He’s not sure if that’s more alarming than the inevitable ending he’s guessing at. “He knew he was different. Could’ve been an ARC. Hells, could’ve worked his way up to becoming a bloody captain if he put his mind to it. But his mind wasn’t ever in the war.

“That’s what got him killed.”

Ah. There it is. Riggs grips his shot glass tighter. Can’t bring himself to finish what’s left in it - enough for him to taste it. But his stomach is roiling.

Riggs doubts he’ll be sleeping tonight. He almost snorts at the thought.

What else is new?

“Somehow, against all odds, they made it through training. Made it all the way to Geonosis. Saw their first Jedi - the ones the daydreamer talked about so often. ‘Do you think they can see things? Really see them. What do you think it’s like? Deja vu, maybe? But in reverse?’

“The chatter didn’t let up. The whole time, the younger was just yammering away. He was excited - couldn’t deny he was. Even if he wanted more, he knew how to be a soldier. Knew how to take down a clanker like no one else I’ve ever seen.”

It’s difficult for Riggs not to suck in a sharp breath at that. He knows - knew a few sentences in this was Sarge’s story. But hearing it is like being dunked in ice water.

Might be comparable to facing the fury of an explosive from two meters away.

“Lost sight of him.” Sarge shakes his head, the same muscle jumps in his jaw. Riggs isn’t the most intelligent man he knows, but what he lacks in book smarts he makes up for in emotional intelligence. He knows fury when he feels it. It radiates off of Sarge. “Last thing he said was - fuck, starting to forget even that.” His commanding officer glances at the ceiling, a bitter smile and a short, soft laugh escaping him. “Too much has happened. Too much happened then. He was going after one of our batchers - saw him get dragged off by a couple of bugs.

“‘We’re getting out of this, Tock.’ Always called me that. Even though I was older, even though by rights I should have been Tick. But he was stubborn. As stubborn as any I’ve ever met - even to the end. I went after him when I could, when Commander Hornet gave the order to rally our squadrons to give the jedi some covering fire.

“When I found them, JB was still alive. But only just. Tick was in worse shape. Torn to shreds by one of the bugs’ fuckin’ dogs. Armor didn’t do shit to protect my brother, but the charge he shoved in the massiff’s throat took it out. Took out the bugs, too, when it ran back. Tick had the nerve to laugh - fuckin’ laugh - when I told him to hold on.

“‘Nothing to hold on with,’ he said, lifted a stump. Took his hand off when he dropped the charge. His other arm - he couldn’t even feel it when I grabbed his hand. I couldn’t even see his face. Didn’t have time - but I took off my bucket. Just to yell at him.

“Called him every word in every language - all two of them -that I knew. Cursed the Republic, the bugs, hell, cursed the jedi and the stars along with them. Started begging. But he was done for. We both knew he was.

“‘I’ve never seen you cry before, 1307.’ I’ll never know why he called me that in the end. Maybe he thought he was dreaming of a different life - one where we’d switched places. Maybe it was because he was pissed. Pissed I’d always told him not to call me that, because he could see it for what it was but I was in denial until the end.

“Never going to forgive myself for that.” Sarge swallows the last of the whiskey. “I think he did it because he thought I was still mad about it. Still mad that he was trying to make us both feel more like we were human. And I was. Because if I let myself feel human, I’d have to face it. Face the fact that he was my brother, my best friend, and that he’d been trying to offer water for the seeds to flourish the whole damn time. It wasn’t ever for him - it was for me. Because he saw it. Saw that I was hurting. That I was suffering.

“‘Live, brother.’ It wasn’t a request - it was an order. ‘Live for me.’ Tried to tell him we’d both live, but we knew that was a lie.

“That’s when ol’ Cap found us. Got a medical evac for us. But not for him. Took one look at him and said he was sorry. I think he actually meant it, y’know? Like he could see it. But I refused. Until they started pulling me away. I heard one of them say my designation, and Riggs - I still can’t believe I did this. I punched him. Punched him so hard that, even with his bucket on, I knocked him flat on his ass. Almost got my promotion taken away.

“‘Tock,’ I said, when they started asking what the hell was wrong with me. ‘My name is Tock. Use it, or next time I’ll go for your codpiece.’”

“Did you?” Sarge barks out a laugh, gives Riggs an incredulous, amused look.

“Feck no.” He rolls his eyes. “Had to use a sedative on me - didn’t realize I got clipped in the side.” When he shifts Riggs knows he’s reliving feeling that old wound when it was fresh, almost a year ago now. “I can’t know for sure, but Tick - I think he heard me. Time of death was about thirty seconds after they’d dragged me off - s’when his vitals stopped showing up in the records.

“Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I wonder if that’s how he felt. Like sleep was just there, right there - but it was still evading him. I wondered if he could hear his own heartbeat as it slowed down. If he heard the fury I felt. Or maybe he didn’t hear anything at all. Maybe he muted his helmet, or started playing that stupid fuckin’ jazz bullshit he always loved.”

The silence that falls between them isn’t particularly suffocating. Not yet at least. It’s the kind of reverent silence that so many of them have grown numb to. And at the same time, the one that each of them feels in the deepest parts of themselves. Down to the marrow of their bones, maybe deeper, something that not one of them can fathom.

So far as Riggs knows, at any rate.

Parts of the squadron’s sergeant makes sense now. But only some of them. Riggs doesn’t know why he eats his ration bars the way he does, for example. (It’s weird.) Doesn’t know why he got the tattoos on his chin, what they mean to him. There’s only one question now that burns at him, eats away at a piece of him that, when he asks the question he knows will never recover.

Sarge sees this, of course.

“Go on. Out with it.”

“Sorry, sir. I just - why me?”

There’s another pause, this one thicker, as Sarge lifts his eyebrows incredulously. Like it’s obvious. But it isn’t, not to Riggs, who shrugs a little helplessly. With a sigh, Sarge looks away,

“Because you talk back like he did. And if anyone would get the squadron to drop the bloody ‘Sarge’ bullshit, it’d be you.”

“That can’t be it.” 

Riggs knows that’s not it. Sets his chin, facing Sarge - Tock, he corrects himself for the first time - directly. The scarred eyebrow lifts in what he now recognizes as an unimpressed look, but Riggs ignores it, and the tiny voice that’s getting quieter every day that tells him to shut up. 

“How d’you figure, corporal?”

“I just do.” Something uncomfortable coils and undulates in his guts, and his arms cross over his ribs. Compressing against himself to try and still the discomfort. “So - out with it.”

After barking out a laugh, the words leave in a quiet mumble,

“When we make it out of this war, I’m taking as many of you with me as I can. And I need a vod that I can trust to keep me from giving the orders that’ll put me in an early grave.”

Tock stands up, doesn’t look at him or utter a single word as he does.

And then he leaves.

Riggs helps himself to the second bottle they didn’t get to. He tries not to think about how Quickshot will probably kill him when he shows up in the medcenter tomorrow while he chugs the whole thing.

-----

Welcome to the soldier side, Where there’s no one left but me -SoaD: Intro

Taglist: @jango-fettish, @seeking-kharis, @thefanficsideblog, @jabbas-lightsaber

Taglist Signup is here~ LINK

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

Hey malt um i see u posting about an anime on my dash and im getting into a lot of different anime to fill the homeless gay dog void um. Do you wanna tell me about your anime maybe?

OH DO I? finn my dear friend you dont even know what you're getting into here. reaching into the depths of my true form: main fandom brainrot.

okay given that im sasamiya posting rn im going to Assume you mean them but i was also posting about dunmeshi earlier so if you wanna hear about that too just let me know but AH. There is so much to sayyyy

Okay going to try and break it down to the basics here but sasamiya (or as its actual title, Sasaki to Miyano) is basically my mcu. my sasamiya-verse. there are two manga series currently ongoing in this universe but the world is in my hands and there are so many other fandom made one's i'll get into in a bit. But For Now.

Sasaki to Miyano's basic premise is- as copied from mdex because it really is worded best there- "It all started like a typical old-school boys’ love plotline—bad-boy senior meets adorably awkward underclassman, one of them falls in love, and so on and so forth. But although Miyano is a self-proclaimed boys’ love expert, he hasn’t quite realized…he’s in one himself. Which means it’s up to Sasaki to make sure their story has a happily ever after…!"

That's it. fun and simple and sweet gay love story set-up we love to see it. Except that it can never be so simple. Because the author, harusono shou, does this crazy thing called being a really good writer who creates beautifully alive characters for me to shake like maracas in my brain.

Like, you think it's simple. Miyano is a loveable bl fan who hasn't put much thought into his sexuality, Sasaki is the guy he successfully gets into his hyperfixation and they grow from that shared interest into an adorable relationship. But Then they hit you with the Miyano body insecurities and youre like hey, wait a minute. And then they caually show Sasaki displaying every single symptom of undiagnosed depression in his childhood and you have to stop and go hey... And then they have to have Hanzawa mother fucking Masato (lovingly said. absolute beloved character.) and you quickly realize that this isnt just some sweet romance story. it's a sweet romance story with the most quietly complicated character writing one only dreams of <- im biased and obsessed. may not be true to life but [shrugs] there is no one doing it like harusono and her thousands of words of character analysis that she has written about her own characters. i love her fr.

Im trying not to spoil things here really but it is genuinely such a lovely and interesting story, the light novels are literally my entire life, occasional side character Shirahama Kyouji is genuinely my favorite character and he probably has a total of 8 scenes in the translated manga so far. he was my blog theme for like 2 weeks straight earlier this year i am insufferable about him and everything he both is and isnt.

And that isn't even getting into Hirakagi. the agonies. Hirano to Kagiura, the technically prequel spin-off manga about sasaki's best friend and the gay shenanigans he gets up to with his roommate. they make me sob and also make me sick its great. could not reccomend it more even if you never read sasamiya or vice versa just one of them is such a great read.

The biggest appeal for me though is definately the fandom though. like i have been in So Many Fandoms as you can tell from the absolute chaos that is my blog, but ive probably only experienced this sort of fandom experience once before in my whole entire life. im so entrenched. the thing about being a, while popular, still very much a bl series that doesnt get much in terms of fan or official content, is that eventually something has to give. usually that means that the fandom is either dead or rarely gets talked about, which you would think to be true i you just looked at the main tags, but ive never been in a fandom that breathes to much... life?? into itself??? dont know how to word it. we make it work around here basically.

like after years of gaps between chapters we all collectively just went "okay how about we just do it ourselves" and essentially made the fandom into goncharov before there was ever a goncharov yk. like the actual story is really good and well done and then we all just went and made it our own to keep ourselves sane, and it worked!! we call it hanzawa to tashro!!! it is in our minds and also technically in the text. its so amazing here i cant even explain it well enough. my friends @/dirtbra1n @/aranarumei @/kagiuraakira and @/sunnnfish and so many others (we're all easy to find we stalk each other's blogs to talk about all of this) make awesome posts about it. #riverposting or #hanzawa to tashiro are good places to look if youre interested. i also talk about them A Lot over here to you can look through what I have too though a lot of it has like specific aus like #dating sim au and stuff tagged on mine, so the others are better bets for general meta posting fun. Just. Its so fun here. also if youve ever liked jeweler richard then shameless plug bc my dear friend kiri wrote the anomalous agate which is a beautiful and fun crossover with hanzawa to tashiro and tcfojr which is so so good if you're interested.

Just, there is a lot and this definately didn't cover it all. i want to explain riverposting but that takes Time and Context and also was explained before by sunnnfish on their blog im pretty sure (and they do amazing art over on @/sunnfish with 2 n's) if you ever feel like checking this all out. i love this place a lot.

[suuho]

svt !!!!!! tvxq !!!!! b.i 💓

svt:

✦ my first bias: JIHOON ✦ my current bias(es): JIHOON, hansol and wonu. ✦ my album and/or era ranking (or favorite of each): semi;colon -> heng:garae -> an ode -> teen,age -> you made my dawn/you make my day -> attacca -> your choice -> going seventeen/love&letter and whatever i forgot, i forgot. ✦ how i got into them: we watched gose together!! and that is how i fell in love with them. last summer they had a revival for me and really grew so close to my heart. i love them so much. ✦ which member would be my best friend: jihoon, even tho we are so alike. or maybe because of that. in the same vein, hansol and wonu. ✦ something i associate with them (or with a bias/any member): with jihoon, i associate so much because, like. there are few people where i look at them and it feels like staring into a mirror but he is one of then, and i don't even know him. but i associate the ocean with him, for some reason. other than that, early summer, sunshine, you, happiness and laughter.

tvxq:

✦ my first bias: yunho ✦ my current bias(es): yunho, it's always been yunho. ✦ my album and/or era ranking (or favorite of each): i'm more of a casual listener and not that deeply entrenched into the whole tvxq business, but i think the chance of love is a banger of an album, keep your head down literally wrote history, and spellbound and xv ofc!! ✦ how i got into them: the year was 2010. who wasn't into tvxq? ✦ which member would be my best friend: YUNHO ✦ something i associate with them (or with a bias/any member): you! unsurprisingly, lmao, but also just such a dense history and also just the pure clownery that is duovxq. being partners for life. that sort of gentleman-concept that has largely gone lost among the sauce of 4th gen artists. the quintessential kpop duo, no one will ever do it like them.

b.i:

✦ my first bias: hanbin, duh ✦ my current bias(es): he is only one guy. so hanbin. ✦ my album and/or era ranking (or favorite of each): waterfall is a masterpiece and i think there is not a single other album in kpop history that will ever come close to it. it is absolute perfection and i would not change a thing about it, and every day i thank hanbin that he released it. that he dragged himself back to the shore to share it with us. every single track on that album is necessary and impeccably crafted and important. ✦ how i got into them: via you!!! ✦ which member would be my best friend: hanbin himself. hanbin please be my boy best friend. ✦ something i associate with them (or with a bias/any member): the shore. the ocean. water and the beach. the color blue, a light, dim, steel blue. cloudy summer days that are thick with fog, the gray of the clouds hanging heavy in the sky. resilience. letting go. being strong enough to let go. a field of flowers and the breeze brushing past every leaf. black and white. mirrors. tears.

📥 send me a kpop group & i'll answer!

[nkhrchuwuya]

between friends

bungou stray dogs | G | 963 words nakahara chuuya x reader/oc

the world is so entrenched in courtship and flirtation, an experience you feel a disconnect with. chuuya shows you that love isn’t always just about romance. (chuuya ft. aroace reader ft. platonic cuddles)

you bid goodbye to your friend at the end of your little lunch date, on account of having another appointment. after lunch, you’re supposed to meet with chuuya, who’s agreed to help you out in something you’re working on.

but before you can go, your friend laughs a small, pitying laugh in your direction, one that makes your heart stop in your chest before she can even utter the words.

“what a waste that you’re aroace when you have that nakahara guy all over you. if i were you i’d ask for a ring already. ahh, how cruel life can be.”

something ugly sits in your chest afterwards.

-

and then, when you’d finally met, they’d mistaken the both of you for dating again.

today, they’d mistaken the both of you for dating for again.

“they” meaning the retail worker at the fancy wine shop chuuya had brought you to today. a side-trip in exchange for helping you out on a little pet project you’d been working on.

“oh, we’ve got the best wines if you’re planning a romantic candlelit date. right here we have—”

“not a date,” you cut the worker at the shop off. things like these don’t make you too uncomfortable anymore, but the expectation that everything done by two people is for a couple is still quite a sting. “he’s my friend.”

chuuya looks like he wants to hold your hand and squeeze it, but knowing it’ll just make them misunderstand more, he decides to divert attention to himself instead.

“i’m looking for a wine with structure, something with a long finish…”

the employee looks you up and down once before turning to chuuya, and the weight of his stare leaves you curling in on yourself the entire afternoon.

-

“this better be good stuff,” chuuya hums to himself, as he plucks the wine glasses out of the cabinet you keep them in at your little home. “it didn’t cost much, but did he tattle off while recommending it, so if it doesn’t keep up to standard…”

“mmhmm,” is all you answer, settling on the couch, a pillow against your chest. the feeling from the wine shop still hangs over your bones, and when chuuya brings over to the living room the two filled glasses of wine, the feeling only returns.

“dude at the shop get to ya?” he asks, placing your glass on the coffee table as he sits next to you. he swirls the wine languidly in its glass, waiting for you to answer.

you shake your head. “i was worried about you, actually.”

“me?” chuuya blinks. “think that pipsqueak can do anything to me?”

“not that, silly,” you correct, peeping out from behind the pillow to gently knock him with your knee. “like, aren’t you going to get into a relationship?”

chuuya pauses for a moment, as if letting your question sink in. you dread the silence that follows. you pick up the full wine glass and take a luxurious swig of it instead.

“woah, that actually tastes good,” you say idly, hoping to shift the conversation.

but then a sour expression crosses chuuya’s face. like he’s connected the dots. “you’re worried being friends with ya will stop me from getting someone?”

you laugh at the accidental implication in that sentence. “awfully confident of you, chuuya.”

“don’t change the subject,” he frowns. “ya get what i mean.” he takes a sip of his wine too, and you watch him closely.

chuuya is an attractive man. he’s rich, he’s powerful, he’s strong, he’s a gentleman (when it matters), and he’s got an aura around him that’s magnetic. sure, you’re aroace, but you can recognize that in him at least.

surely he deserves better than being stuck with people thinking he’s with someone like you?

maybe your friend was right.

before you can get a word out, chuuya has pinched your cheek from across the sofa, making you yelp. he doesn’t let go until you’re hitting his wrist with your hand, to which he shakes his head.

“tell me what’s bothering ya so i can help ya.”

“this is a waste of time,” you say faintly. “aren’t you better off spending time with someone who can love you back?”

that makes chuuya’s eyes widen. “ya sayin’ you don’t give a shit about me now?”

“what?” you shake your head. “of course not! you’re my dear friend. i care about you.”

“then what’s this nonsense about not loving me back?” he says. a grin fills his face, one so silly it makes you smile too. “dunno about you, that seems like love to me. friendly love.”

you laugh. “since when did you become such a philosopher about love, huh?”

“right when it’s needed,” he grins. he puts down the half-empty glass of wine, and then, reclining on the sofa, opens his arms wide for you to snuggle into.

you put your wine glass down too and accept his embrace. you settle your ear against his chest, where you hear the even beat of his heart. he begins to run his hand slowly down the locks of your hair; a comforting motion that you’re sure will lull you to sleep.

“we have to get working soon,” you say, even if your eyes are already closed.

chuuya pinches your arm lightly. “rest first. we’ll get on with it when we wake up.”

you take a long, deep breath. not a lot of people will understand how you experience the world, and many of them will continue to refuse to see it through your eyes.

but you’ve got chuuya on your side.

“thanks for being cool about… me,” you say, surrendering to the drowsiness. chuuya laughs, and pats your hand gently with his.

he squeezes you tighter in the embrace. “stupid.”