#hear me out! hear me out! i just think it'd be HILARIOUS. for the shits and giggles—maybe angst—but mostly for the shits and giggles.

[yakny]

"Can't believe they're confusing you for me. You're... short." "177.5 cm is not short." "Grasping at that decimal. I see." "How about I grasp at your throat instead?" "You leave my throat alone. Went through enough yesterday." "But just not enough to shut you up for good, huh."

[phoward89]

Banner by me, dividers by @saradika-graphics

Based on this ask

Love Is A Losing Game

The avox stood against the wall, waiting for you to beckon, while you sat in your sunroom with your longtime best friend, Livia. You were at a small table drinking tea and listening to her complain about her toddler, Plutarch.

“Ugh. I swear, I can't even go to the powder room without him following me.” Reaching for a biscuit, your dirty blonde friend sighed, “I told Hilarious that we need to hire a nanny, but he said no.”

She took a small bite of her biscuit as you sipped on your tea. You didn't know why she was so upset about her toddler wanting to spend time with her. And you told her so too.

“You just don't understand how demanding motherhood is, Y/N. Just you wait and see.” Pointing to your round belly, Livia factually remarked, “In a few more months when you pop out Coriolanus’ little brat you'll be singing a different tune.”

“Don't call Cassian Xandros a little brat.” You snippily ordered your friend, causing her to just roll her eyes at you. Setting down your teacup, you decided to change the subject to something that you needed to get off your chest; something that's been eating away at your mind. “I think Coryo's having an affair.”

“He's only been president for a few months, Y/N. If word got out, well, it'd be scandalous and I'm sure his political career would be dead in the water.” Livia told you while nibbling on her lemon butter biscuit. “Do you know with whom?”

“No, but I know he has to be having an affair, Livia. I mean he comes and goes at all hours and half the time he's not even coming to bed; we haven't slept together in a while too.”

“Oh no, now that is a problem.” The dirty blonde socialite sighed. “I bet it's Clemensia Dovecote that he's cheating with. You don't know, since you were a couple grades below us at the Academy, but they were always walking into the school linked arm in arm. Even though they denied it, they looked like a couple back then.” Livia bluntly informed you, picking up her teacup and sipping it.

“Really? I didn't know that.” You honestly told your friend. Reaching for your own teacup, you revealed the name of the person you thought your husband had a thing for back in his Academy days. “Coryo was always with Sejanus back then; I always got the vibe that they were a little bit more than just friends.”

“Oh I hope not. He was district.” Livia spat out; the thought of the president having a past love affair with a district person making her skin crawl.

If only she knew about what went down between him and Lucy Gray. Oh, she'd shit her pants if she knew about that.

You know, of course, since he told you about it after a year of dating. When you had to all but pull his teeth to get him to reveal why he refused to tell you that he loved you; show you anything other than lust and his OCD tendencies.

It didn't bother you.

Correction, him having Lucy Gray as his ex and his failed first love didn't bother you, but the number that she did on him- now that’s what bothered you.

She fucked his head up pretty bad; took you a long time to unfuck it up too. To get him to be able to confess his love to you.

But somewhere deep inside of your soul, you always feared that Coryo was just telling you what you wanted to hear. That he didn't truly love you; that he could turn to somebody else once he got bored of you.

“Yea…but they were close friends. Like brothers” You reminded Livia. “And his death hit Coriolanus hard.”

That was an understatement. Your husband still had nightmares about his fellow comrade’s death. It happened a decade ago, but he was still haunted some nights by nightmares. Those nights you usually had to ride his cock to calm him down so he’d be able to go back to sleep.

He never talked about the nightmares, other than the one time he told you that it was about Sejanus’ death. You never pried, knowing that the Plinth boy's execution was a taboo topic for Coriolanus.

The socialite rolled her eyes, only to suggest, “If you think he's having an affair then you should wait up for him tonight and confront him.” Giving you a look from over her teacup, she added in, “It's what I would do.”

Coriolanus was exhausted. No, wait, take that back- he was FUCKING exhausted.

Between trying to clean up the fucking mess that older then dirt President Ravenstill left for him and trying to ensure a smooth transition of head gamemaker duties to his successor (a recent University grad that sadly didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground), he was stretched too thin.

Burning the candle at both ends as one might say.

He was barely sleeping; worse he was barely able to spend anytime with you.

You were 6 months pregnant with his first child.

A son.

He felt guilty for being in his office on the opposite side of the presidential palace or at the Citadel, but he didn't have a choice. The games along with trying to keep the country afloat was his top priority.

As much as he wanted to spend his late afternoons and evenings with you, he couldn't. And he wanted nothing more than to fuck you dumb on his dick every night too, but sadly he was just too tired anymore for that either.

When the new Head Gamemaker calls up in the middle of the night frantically asking what to do if an intern falls into a mutt tank…well…yea…that's when Coriolanus knows he has to do two jobs instead of just one.

He's stuck puppeteering the new head gamemaker *cough* telling him step by step how to do is damn job since he fucking fudged his job application and has shit for brains *cough* and running a country that's national bank account’s lower than it should be *cough* looks like President Ravenstill and his cabinet were embezzling funds or something cause the numbers aren't adding up *cough*.

“Yes, well, if you need any more assistance on this matter don't hesitate to call.” Coriolanuse tightly told the Head Gamemaker. The man was grating on his nerves. Before the unqualified idiot could utter a word, the president said goodbye and hung up.

Hung up with a firm, loud, clunk since he was so tired and aggravated.

Unfortunately, the president was always tired anymore. He was even too tired to fuck you these days, which was truly depressing for him since your Coryo felt you were even more beautiful now that your belly's round with his child.

Coriolanus felt that your pregnancy makes you look radiant. Your skin had a glow to it, he felt you look ethereal.

Your tits were full from the milk your body was making in order to feed your son once he was born; he loves your milk heavy boobs. Coriolanus Snow’s a tits and ass man; so your boobs going up by 2 sizes was heaven for him. The president enjoys sucking and massaging them in his large, calloused hands while you ride his cock. Burying his face in them, peppering kisses in your cleavage.

Something his exhaustion has been keeping him from doing.

Also, your ever growing belly (full of the precious life you created during a very passionate and lustful night 6 months prior) made his chest swell with a burning pride. Coriolanus loves kissing your stretch marks and running his hands all over your belly.

He also enjoys whispering to your belly, telling your growing son all kinds of father-son secrets.

But he’s been too tired and tied up with his never ending work to do that ritual.

Half the time he was passing out on the sofa in his office before he could even make it to your room; the other half of the time he was sliding into bed in the wee hours while you were in a deep sleep.

He hated it.

But he has to endure it because he refuses to have the games flop during his first year as President of Panem.

When Coryo dragged his feet into your large, ornate bedroom he wasn't expecting you to be up, waiting for him. He assumed you'd be asleep, like every other night.

“It's nearly 2 in the morning, Y/N. Why aren't you sleeping? You know you need proper sleep in your condition, my darling rose.” Your husband lectured you, tiredly fumbling to untie his tie.

You decided to do what LIvia suggested. Wait for your husband and confront him. So, when he shuffles into your room, a sight for sore eyes, with the nerve to lecture you about being up, you lost it.

Your eyes narrowed at the president as you snipped out, “Coriolanus, I know you're cheating on me. Who is she? Is it Clemensia Dovecote or somebody else?”

Pulling his tie off and tossing it to the side, he looked at you as if you had lobsters crawling out of your head. You’re accusing him of having an affair. Seriously?

“With how I’m spread too thin, darling, where would I ever find the time for an affair?” Coriolanus chuckled.

He thought this was funny, oh how dare he!

“This isn't funny, Coriolanus! You're coming and going at all hours; we never sleep together anymore. Who is she?!” You yelled at the top of your lungs, watching your husband unbutton his waistcoat and take it off.

The platinum blonde’s long fingers numbly unbuttoned his shirt. His tone was flat and tired as he gave you the blunt answer of, “The she that's taking all of my attention off of you, my love, is the shaky finances of Panem and the Hunger Games.”

All of the air was knocked out of your lungs upon hearing your husband's words. All you could do was blink. “What?” you whispered in disbelief.

Coryo's shirt hit the floor, in the pile his red waistcoat and tie was in. Toeing out of his shoes, he sighed, “Being president and passing the baton for the games to an under qualified head gamemaker, unfortunately, has taken up all my time.” Unbuckling his belt and pulling down his deep crimson pants, he offered up a sincere apology of, “I’m sorry, my darling rose, that my neglect made you think, even for a moment, that I’m being unfaithful to you.” His pants pooled around his long, pale legs, and he gracefully stepped out of them. “Y/N, I truly did not mean for you to feel such a way, my love.”

Watching your husband pull off his socks and toss them to the side, you cried tears of joy. “I forgive you; I'm just happy that it's work taking up your attention and not some whore.”

Coriolanus tiredly made his way over to the king-sized bed you shared and climbed into it. Pulling you into his arms, he let out a puzzled scoff of, “Clemmie? Really, of all people to accuse me of having an affair with it's her?”

“I didn't accuse you of cheating with her; that was actually Livia this afternoon when I told her that I suspected you of having an affair.” You informed your husband as he pulled the blankets over the both of you.

“You told that bitch you thought I was cheating on you?!” Coryo exclaimed, his nostrils flaring; baby blues wide in utter horror.

“Don't call Livia a bitch, Coriolanus.” You reprimanded your husband, only to remind him that, “She's my best friend.”

“I don't know how you're best friends with that shrew, darling.” Coriolanus mumbled mostly to himself, even though you heard him. His large, calloused hand rubbed your ever growing baby bump softly. “Telling Livia your ill founded fears was a mistake. She'll just tell that political reject husband of her’s; he'll be calling up Capitol News 6 with a juicy insider story about the unfaithful president.” Coryo’s tongue popped angrily. “My fake affair’s going to be the the main news headliner tomorrow morning, my darling rose.”

“No, it won't, Coryo.” You assured your husband since you had too much faith in your best friend.

Your husband on the other hand didn't have faith in Livia Cardew-Heavensbee, at all. No, he didn't trust her after the temper tantrum she through when her mother informed her that he was courting you, General Prometheus Byzantine’s step-daughter, and had refused to meet with the Cardews regarding a money match.

Coriolanus never told you about that because he didn't want to taint your friendship with the dirty blonde shrew, who only married Hilarious because she couldn't have him: the adoptive heir to the Plinths fortune.

But now maybe it was time to tell you. Maybe it was time to taint and ruin a girlhood friendship of yours.

Only to ensure that you wouldn't trust anyone that didn't carry the Snow name.

Yes, the only people you could trust were him and Tigris. He was even leery about Tigris’ new lover, Aleka. Eh, but that was because his spies haven't been able to dig up enough information on them for the president to decide whether or not they were trustworthy.

But, he's sure that after he tells you the truth about Livia that you'll be rethinking that friendship.

And when (not if) that article hits the news as the big headliner, he'll make sure to invite Hilarious over for drinks.

Drinks that only one of them will enjoy.

Snow lands on top and he'll make sure that anybody who slanders his good name or makes you believe he's an unfaithful man, when he's actually the most devoted and faithful husband in all of Panem, chokes on their own blood.

Tags: @kuroosbby001, @purriteen, @poppyflower-22, @meetmeatyourworst, @whipwhoops, @bxtchopolis, @readingthingsonhere,@savagenctzen, @ryswritingrecord, @erikasurfer, @tulips2715, @universal-s1ut, @thesmutconnoisseur, @squidscottjeans, @sudek4l, @wearemadeofstardust0, @mashiromochi, @gracieroxzy, @belcalis9503, @shari-berri, @aoi-targaryen , @whiteoakoak @spear-bearing-bi-witch, @gisellesprettylies @loverandqueenofdragons, @qoopeeya, @mfnqueen1

[brucewaynehater101]

So there's a fic that I think you will like. It's called The Definition of Valor by Nerdpoe. Really short, spoiler free summery. Instead of loosing his Spleen, Tim looses his eyes. He makes special gadgets to help him with this, such as a device in is cowl that scans the room he is in and tells him what is where via coded sounds, like say, two low A notes followed by a chirp means there is a wooden desk to the north east of him. He also makes a special computer program for his grapple so when he points it somewhere, it will adjust his aim so he never misses and always attaches to a good spot.

This fic is giving me *so many* thoughts about the potential fall out of this being found out not as soon as Tim gets back to Gothem because he never tells anyone. Specifically it's making me think about Tim who is Bruce's dad not telling Bruce because he doesn't want to worry his son. He doesn't want to worry his grandchildren/siblings either so he puts in colored contacts and wears glasses when his cowl isn't on. The glasses and an ear piece have the same tech as his cowl to tell him where everything is.

How long would it take them to find out? Tim would never tell them, so do they find out on accident because Tim forgot the contacts that are his normal eye color, or because Ras is mad at Tim and tells them what Ras did to Tim? Maybe he got to mad and while ranting at a Rouge (either Harley or Two Face would be especially funny if he's just been hanging upside down and ranting and raving fo 30 minuets already) over one of their traps, he accidentally lets slip that he's blind, or maybe he yells at Riddler, "Nygma, this isn't fair! I've been completely blind since last July and my usual tech that tells me what's around me is getting fucked by your signal jammer! So either read the riddle to me out loud or let me go!" and then later Riddler scolds one of the other Bats for letting the blind one do the visual puzzles much to their confusion.

Hi!!! I love that fic so much! Have you seen the sequel for it as well? It's short, but a great read. I would die for more of this concept.

In that fic, Bruce turns out to be a good dad. While I may hate Bruce, the way that guy handles the situation in that fic is fantastic.

However, I would like a fic where this concept gets a delayed reveal. In the AU, Tim figures out how to function without his eyes.

He engineers technology to read people's facial expression/body language to help him out. It reads words for him, etc.

I wonder what excuse he'd give for wearing the earpiece and glasses all the time. Maybe he says it's another aspect to separate Timothy Drake from Red Robin?

Just Tim gaslighting and girlbossing his way into pretending he can still see. I kind of want him to keep up the ruse for a long while.

When he does get found it, it'd be hilarious if the others forget he's blind. Tim has engineered technology to assist him, but he still can't see. So they'll try to take him to activities they did together when he could see (like star gazing) or they'll ask him what he thinks of the color of their outfit. He also ruthlessly uses his blindness as an excuse to mess with people. If Timothy Drake-Wayne is known to be blind, he'll use it to accuse Luthor of being ableist at every chance he'll get. He also bullies the shit out of governmental agents and companies that don't provide accommodations.

I'm also a fan of Riddler finding out about it, but him just changing his puzzles to be accommodating. I'm biased towards Riddler (I love him so much) so it'd be cool to see the silent show of support like that.

Another AU idea: When Tim blows up Ra's bases, the explosions cause him to become deaf or hard-of-hearing.

Dealer's choice on how much hearing he loses, but I feel like this could be great to explore deafness and misconceptions commonly held in our society.

Tim would probably already know how to sign and lip read (might even know multiple different sign languages), but he would face a few difficulties.

He chooses not to disclose his hearing loss

People often cover their mouths or face away from someone when speaking (which makes lip reading arduous)

Ableist people suck

The world is set up for hearing people, so a lot of issues stem from a lack of accommodations rather than Tim's ability to hear

Tim chose not to tell anyone about the change in hearing for a few reasons: he doesn't trust anyone (especially during his adjustment period) and he doesn't want to be underestimated (wants to prove himself in the field before they try to pull him from it).

As far as technology to help him, the comms were easier to program than other auditory inputs. Since they were designed to transmit clear voices, he merely has to train a program to automatically close caption whatever is spoken (the automatic ones used today are useful, but still make too many errors for Tim's preference. Some also only do words automatically and leave out helpful information like laughing, choking, screaming, computer dings, etc.). Each Bat member has their own designated color. For those he doesn't interact with often, it says their name before every time they speak up.

Tim incorporates the visual overlay into his goggles and glasses. He can read what people contribute to the conversation based on that. It also leaves his hands free so he doesn't need to look down. His wrist computer stores records of what has been said so Tim can go back over it if he misses it. He also has the ability to change where the words appear on his field of vision.

I also hc Alfred is the first to notice that Tim is staring intently at his lips when he talks and has difficulties with the conversation when Alfred changes the way he pronounces words or isn't facing Tim (this is before Tim's tech gets perfected). From then on, Alfred makes a point of facing Tim whenever the teen is in the room. They both don't talk about it until the rest of the family finds out (however long that takes).

Feel free to add more to either AU!

[icedragonlizard]

What if dream friends had dialogue in Star Allies?

I suppose it could've been a lot of unnecessary work for HAL to do, but I still think it could be highly fun and imaginative to think about.

How cool would it be if the game's plot actually acknowledged the existence of the dream friends? The things they'd say in-game, etc...

I think it would be especially fun to think about what all the different dream friends might saying during the mage sister fights. Like, y'know, the points of the game where there's dialogue. What they all might say to the mage sisters in response to their words....

... I'm not going to go over what I think every dream friend would say in these moments, but I think I'd like to focus on ones such as Susie, Magolor, Marx, Taranza and Daroach. Why these ones in particular? Because I think they'd probably be the more entertaining ones in what they'd have to say in their dialogue during the mage battles.

How funny would it be that Marx and Magolor just troll the shit out of the mages? How funny would it be that Susie acts condescending when talking to them? How funny would it be that Taranza joke-flirts with them, he doesn't actually mean it as he's just doing it to get them riled up? How funny would it be that Daroach tells them to watch out before he steals from them? This stuff is fanfiction-worthy! Heck, this might be the biggest reason why I might attempt my adaptation of Star Allies into a fanfiction in the future, although I've got many other fics planned beforehand so it'd be a long while.

But still! There could be endless potential when thinking about this.

Let me demonstrate an example. First, let's look at the part where the game first introduces Flamberge, and she's really angry.

"HEY, YOU! Stubby little...pink thing! Yes, YOU! I have a buuuurning question for you! You're the one who was so rude to sweet Francisca, aren't you?! Don't you dare try to deny it!"

"Ohohohohohohoho! We sure put that crazy blue lady in her place! What are you gonna do about it? Throw a temper tantrum? Go so berserk that you lose control and we can easily beat you?"

Wanna guess who said that? Hahahaha... the purple text probably made it obvious. In this interpretation, it's Marx who said that. There's no way he wouldn't just totally mock them and rub it in their faces. At the very least in my interpretation of Marx, it'd be like him to do that.

And by the way, I'm one that actually headcanons Marx becoming friends with the mage sisters post-HiAD because he loves how chaotic they are, and loves that they're willing to join him in doing insane shit (especially Francisca). But during Star Allies when the mages were the enemy? I bet he totally mocked the shit out of them!

Magolor, too. Here's a good example of Magolor having dialogue against one of the mages:

"Bonjam. I am Zan Partizanne, the eldest of the three generals of magic."

"Woah... Zan what? I didn't hear that thoroughly! I think I'll call you Zan Parmesan Cheese, though!"

".... I absolutely HATE that you ended up getting my name more right than a lot of other fools have."

It'd be hilarious to see a lot of dream friends trying to say her name. All the different ways they could say it wrong.

Here's a Taranza example:

"This must be the fiery flames of fate at work! Ooooh yeaaaah! My flames and I are fully stoked now!"

"Golly, you're really hot, good ma'am!" with a trollish look on his face.

"... Excuse me? EXCUSE ME?"

"Hahahahahaha! Am I making you overheat too much, fool?"

I think Taranza deserves to be depicted as silly sometimes.

A Daroach example:

"We wish to assemble the dark Jamba Heart pieces that were scattered across the universe."

"Woah... you want them all? That's a big bummer! What if I want to steal some of them? Maybe I'll still do it out of spite, teehee!"

I hate the limited amount of colors allowed for tumblr posts. To make it clear, for this example, the blue text is Francisca while the red text is Daroach. While, of course, Flamberge was the red text in the examples with Marx and Taranza, while Magolor was the blue text in the example with Zan.

And now, let me demonstrate a couple examples with Susie. I think she'd delightfully fire off on them like the feisty cheeky woman she is.

"I shall now turn this pink ball of nice into a frozen block of ice!"

"No you won't. This 'pink ball of nice' is a force of pure destruction, and you're going to defrost by daring to harm the universe with all of this insolent nonsense. You must be destroyed!"

"... Very well. But I won't go down without a fight, so you best watch out that you all might become ice sculptures this time. I can more than make sure of it!"

"We will more than make sure to obliterate you, just like the rest of your barbaric cult! Let's put her in her place, Pinky!"

Susie example with Zan:

"I did not expect you to survive your visit to Jambastion."

"You thought that would've gotten us? Pfft! We've all been through worse than that. You're going to have to try harder than that if you really want to eliminate us for good."

"Really, you survived worse? Well, that doesn't matter, because your luck has run out."

"No. Your luck has run out. We're going to exterminate all of you like the savages you are!"

This works out well with my interpretation that Susie's Japanese SA pause description containing the words "exterminate the savages!" is referring to the Jambastion cult when they were still the enemy. I headcanon that she's slowly in the process of unpacking baggage, and "savages" is just a thing she calls people she views as enemies.

And uh... to be honest, the cult kind of deserved to be called words like that during Star Allies when they were threatening everything.

I've done a lot of examples of a few dream friends having dialogue during the mage battles. But what about when confronting Hyness?

I think all the dream friends would be horrified at the moments that Hyness knocks Zan out of the way, weaponize all three mage sisters' bodies in his second phase of the fight, and then sacrificing them and himself to Void Termina. It would make them just flabbergasted.

Although I bet Marx would probably laugh at how unhinged he is.

"It seems... we do not have enough energy... to revive our Dark Lord... Must we... allow ourselves... to fall... into oblivion?"

"Yes, you should do that!"

"No."

"Yes."

"NO!"

"YES!"

"No no no no no!"

"Yes yes yes yes yes!"

"*goes on his giant unhinged rant*"

"*laughs hysterically* Look at you go off! It's hilarious!"

Marx is just... lmao.

Sorry that I don't have examples with every dream friend having dialogue in this post. But you get the general idea! Perhaps if you have ideas as to what the other dream friends could say in these moments, feel free to mention them in the notes!

Although I'll leave you here with a King Dedede example, just cuz:

"For what you've done, I'll scorch you to such a degree that... that... even tasty, toasty marshmallows will seem like ice cubes compared to you!"

"You ain't gonna be scorchin' any of us, ya hot fiery slimeball! We'll put you in your place like we did to the blue look-a-like of ya!"

Hahaha... ha... I interpret southern accent Dedede. Sue me.

Thanks for reading the post if you did! Let me know about more ideas of dream friend dialogue you have in the notes. I'd be curious what else you think in this broad, interesting concept.

[thatdeadaquarius]

When I’m playing genshin, I’m mostly listening to either Paternity Court, or Steve Wilkos. Imagine the characters hearing all of the stuff and being so scandalized by the results and comments. Or being genuinely disgusted and heartbroken for the victims in more serious cases. I can def see a good chunk of them being invested

I don’t think I’ve listened to those yet! I do occasionally get on a true crime binge listen, however the weirdest thing my characters have heard has gotta be Game Grumps episodes or compilations lol

What if i listened to every season of Buzzfeed Unsolved.

What would we do then my Genshin characters, my people, what then.

I saw someone else write about this true crime documentary thing but they described everyone being pretty terrified or disgusted by the podcasts

Which I definitely think some would be literally horrified lmao

But also I think a lot of them definitely would be invested-

I mean shit,

you're listening to your God and they just start playing this like uncomfortably detailed intricate crime case/murder report???

I would be so interested in what kind of person they were, and why they were listening to true crime stuff, 

so needless to say characters like Heizou and Yelan would definitely be into it, maybe Kujou Sara as well?

I can see Zhongli getting into it too and Raiden

I mean don't get me wrong plenty would be disturbed

like rest in peace Barbara 🙏

but like it would be fascinating to them too!!

cuz they don't know anything about our world so they could learn a lot about it thru listening to this stuff

tho it probably cause a lot of confusion whenever they hear things like phone or computer or car lol

you know stuff that hasn't been invented yet for them or there is no equivalent, but they

would deffo interrogate u about ur world when u get to Teyvat

♤

okay but on a more silly motherfucker note-

what if I was playing Game Grumps around them lol, would they be like oh my God our Creator has the best comedians or hilarious friends

like you know how a king has jesters? 😭

I feel like they would think that instead of a recording definitely, especially because most of these things are just people talking and not like, a speech or something

because audio recordings could exist for them, they would probably get it in concept, they do have Ley lines that do that afterall (and now Kameras)

♧

Omg,

oh no, would they think that you're getting these reports in person??  Or even like your SOLVING all these crimes?? 

esp bc I know myself and I tend to sometimes be talking to Genshin characters like,

"damn that's how he got arrested? How stupid he could've blah blah blah i sound like a hardened cop playing a gacha game lmao blah blah...."

it'd be so funny to see that one play out

when u get whisked away to teyvat and Heizou and Yelan are just:

"oh my God can you help us with all these cases we love your mind, or get your servants to help us?"

THEY WOULDNT EVEN BELIEVE U IF U TRIED TO BE LIKE "no no please ur the professionals idk wtf im doing guys-"

Heizou/Yelan: 🤨🤨

"likely story Most Honorable God, but we heard quite the fascinating theories just last week before u descended, hmmm...."

u cant win, 

honestly everyone would probably just assume ur not only the god who created/built teyvat but also have a domain in justice, comedy or honestly whatever u be playing all the time, including music, people would definitely think ur a music god too

esp if ur like me and u just turn on a cool Spotify playlist while u play sometimes, like they've probably never heard so many radically different genres songs, and so many back to back

(could definitely see a myth about u having an immortal inexhaustible musician band that has access to all the songs of the universe that u make them play for you, once again, would be hard to deny bc that's a pretty accurate description of spotify lol)

♡

srry abt my ✨️ass writing✨️ anon!!

I am getting to these old asks so late I hope u guys r alright with getting answered so late, ya boy has been busy 

Im busy partially bc i have a end of year art exhibition!

Basically at my university, if ur an art major, u have to have some of ur best work from ur time at university and display it in a Senior year art exhibition in the university's art museum! Its super cool! And stressful! :D!!

Anyway im so happy i have no object permanence bc everytime i open my drafts or my inbox, even the old asks :( , are  a new surprise every time :D lmao

Safe Travels,

💀♒️

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist

[daytaker]

Could you perhaps write something where gn!mc is just,,, a complete asshole. Fully standoffish and rude, I think it'd be hilarious [bonus points if they have a traumatic backstory for WHY]

No bonus points for me because my asshole MCs exist in a state of suspended animation and they're just like this Because They Are.

Now, I go on and actually explore my idea from an earlier prompt that MC being standoffish would derail the entire plot of OG Season 1 since it requires them to help Belphie get out of the attic.

And if you're wondering, yes, Solomon is quoting KJV Book of Revelation at the end there.

How Your Year-Long Vacation In the Devildom Ended in the Apocalypse

or; Asshole Standoffish MC says what?

Ship: None Word Count: ~1.3k Triggers: Uhhhh... (points to the title)

-----

You're not here to make friends.

And you're definitely not here to date any million-year-old demons who look like they stepped out of the pages of Esquire.

You're here because you're Fate's favorite bitch, and apparently you haven't been suffering enough lately.

So you go ahead and announce all that to your host family the first time you all sit down for dinner.

"...Are humans like that?" asks Asmodeus, looking between you and his brothers. "...I...I don't remember humans being like that."

"Wow. Okay," says Leviathan, staring at his Switch. "First of all, what's your damage. Second, you should probably find the demons who are interested in dating you and let them know, lmao." He fist-bumps Mammon without looking up from the screen.

"What's Esquire?" asks Beel.

"I'm gonna go eat in my room," you say. "Goodnight."

As you leave, you hear Mammon mumble, "Well, they were right about being a bitch."

------

Things aren't any less irritating at that stupid school. Honestly, who names a school after themselves and the fact that they're royalty? Was he just trying to make an easy acronym? Seriously. 'Royal Academy of Diavolo'.... It makes you cringe, hard.

So you sit in the back of all your classes and doodled your favorite sleep paralysis monsters getting closer and closer to the foot of your bed over the course of the day. You're just getting to where you can see the empty white scleras staring up at you when Dumb, Dumb, and Dumber turn up, A.K.A. the other exchange students, A.K.A. Simeon the Angel (dumb), Luke the Baby Angel (also dumb), and Solomon (dumber), the immortal human sorcerer and also the ancient king of Jerusalem? (Like, that Solomon? What the fuck, why does he look like a twenty-three year old anime boy?)

"You must be the newest exchange student," says the tall angel.

"Yeah, and?" you answer.

"Hey, you don't need to be so rude to him!" says the baby angel. His voice makes you want to throw yourself into a furnace.

"Yeah, and?" you answer again.

"Haha! So the new student has some spunk! I like that," says the Biblical king.

"Why are you all bothering me? I was drawing my sleep par--"

"We should all hang out at Purgatory Hall sometime," suggests Simeon, proving he hasn't been paying attention. "By the way, why did Diavolo end up putting you in with the brothers instead of situating you with us?"

"Because I walk around naked at night and I don't care who sees, and there's a child in your dorm."

"Really?" asks Simeon, covering Luke's ears. "Why do you do that?"

"Because fuck you, that's why. Leave me alone."

"I don't remember humans being like that," murmurs Simeon to Solomon as they walk away.

------

"I'm a human too," says the demon in the attic.

"Uh-huh," you say with undisguised skepticism. "And you want me to forge pacts because...?"

"Because then you can release me. Us humans have to stick together."

You let that hang there for a few seconds before dropping the ax.

"...So I know you're Belphegor. Because your fucking picture is up in the house. You absolute moron."

His expression drops.

"You idiot. You lying shit. Don't waste my time like this again. I'm not forging pacts with any demons. I know you missed my first dinner here, but to sum it up: I'm not here to make friends."

"I don't remember humans being like this," he mumbles to himself. "Wha- hey! Wait! Where are you going?! Come back! Come- come back!!!"

-----

It's Diavolo's birthday party, and Lucifer forces you to come.

By that, I mean he physically picks you up and drags you there while you struggle and rage.

"I don't remember humans being like this," Diavolo says to Barbatos with some concern as he sees you carried thrashing through the entry.

"Oh, they absolutely are," argues Solomon. "I only calmed down after I'd been around about a hundred years. But for their stage of development, I'd say they're pretty much par for the course."

Barbatos stares blankly at Solomon as Diavolo nods sagely. "I see, I see... I suppose I'll have to keep that in mind when selecting our next exchange student."

-----

"Finally! The year is almost up, which means this loser's going back to the human world, and Belphie's gonna come back home!" cheers Mammon.

"Very expository of you," Satan replies dryly.

"Oh, Belphie is Belphegor, right? Your youngest brother?" you ask, looking up from the knife you've been sharpening. It's one of the chores you reluctantly accepted over the course of your stay here. You're taking care of your knife duties while brothers 2 and 4 cook dinner.

"Uh, obviously," snorts Mammon. "Why, what do you care? You'll be gone before he gets here."

"I forgot I never mentioned this to any of you. He's in the attic."

Mammon and Satan stare at you. Mammon chuckles nervously. "Whaaa? Don't be stupid, there's nothing up in the attic. Lucifer doesn't even let us go up there."

You stare back at him, unblinking. The two brothers glance at each other.

-----

You sit on your suitcase in the front hall of the House of Lamentation as the place goes up in flames.

Beelzebub is in a mindless rage, cursing Lucifer and breaking down walls. Every now and then, the entire house rumbles, indicating its structural integrity is just that much less solid.

Leviathan summoned Lotan in a moment of panic when Mammon kicked his door in and announced that Belphegor was going to war against the human world and Lucifer and Diavolo and he'd better pick sides before he got drafted, so the entire ground floor is soaked in a few inches of water and tentacles keep reaching out from the depths of the house. You swat them away whenever they get too close. You're not sure where Levi is now, but based on the fact you can hear Mammon screaming and pounding at the bathroom door, you can make a good guess.

Asmodeus released Cerberus from the basement after charming him, and when he realized the dog was too enraptured to obey Lucifer, the pressure got to him and he fled. Now the two are on the war path to Majolish, because 'all this drama is stressing [them] out' and 'this is how [they] cope, okay?'

Lucifer is grappling with Belphie and Satan, who, upon hearing that Belphie intended to rebel against Lucifer, joined his cause. He keeps trying to bang their heads together; you can see it happening in front of the fireplace down the hall. But Satan's tail keeps slashing at him like some sort of prehensile melee weapon and it's clearly at least somewhat effective.

Looking up, you see what appears to be a pair of dragons grappling in the sky, and all around you are the sounds of screams and sirens. The earth rumbles around you, and even the stars seemed to be falling from the sky.

"I can't believe you did it!"

You turn around in surprise as the door opens. Solomon stands there, beaming at you like a proud father. "You really did it! You broke the sixth seal!"

"Sorry, what?"

"'And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood!'"

"Sorry, what?"

The roof begins to cave in, so you step out of the way, and Solomon laughs maniacally.

"It's still going! 'And the great kings of the land said to the mountains and rocks, "Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne!"'" Another chunk of the ceiling crashes directly in front of you.

"Are you high?"

"Yes!"

"Share."

So we smoke a joint, staring up through the broken roof into the starless sky, watching demons and brawl, awaiting the breaking of the seventh seal: silence.

[slippinninque]

☀️☁️Fontaine Fluff ☁️☀️

Lil' fluff for the middle of the week! 😊

a/n: Fontaine x You (black!fem reader)

warnings: nothing much, cursing, loads of fluff and nonsense, fluff-stash, long fic, may have some mistakes 🫣

One of your favorite things about Fontaine is that he got really romantic out the blue.

Not that he wasn't always doting on you when the chance presented itself, he could just get lovey.

You made a mistake once and called him a romantic. He frowned as if you called him something else, something bad.

A lot of kisses was required to smooth things over, but it was worth it to feel how hot his face was.

It was his quietest unkept secret.

It was his biggest tell and it was your most favorite secret.

You'd gladly be the keeper of it.

He'd turn his nose up at any of the classic titles he found scattered in your home, wanting nothing to do with 'that old shit', but will utter the most heart fluttering things when you least expect it.

How you were his "forever garden," always blooming and beautiful when he's sees you.

About how he was sure God put you there for him because if it were the Devil, Fontaine would have already died for you.

When he found a ratty pile of scrap paper with all of his declarations, admissions, and promises--he bashfully hung his head and handed you a heart shaped tin to store them in.

"I need more, y'know." You teased him and eagerly shook the tin to hear the shifting paper and clips clink around.

Fontaine kissed your hand, "A library never runs outta books, baby. Imma make sure your heart is full."

------

Fontaine will always and forever deny his clinginess.

You can feel it coming in waves, keeping you snug in his arms and feeling you up all over. Putting his hands into your back pockets or up under your hoodie whenever he could. It'd be up to you to escape less you be late for work or any other engagements.

So, you should have saw it coming.

Once you sat down to put on your socks, Fontaine's arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you back into him. It was a hilarious angle and you felt one of the socks you managed to put on get left behind as the Fontaine-Dragon drug you back into his horde of blankets.

"Tell 'em your man said you can't come in."

"Hm. That's very tempting but I don't see HR taking that even in writing."

Fontaine huffed but didn't release you. Sighing, you rolled and rolled until you splayed across his chest.

He was half-asleep and indignant. You pinched his cheek and pouted your lips at him.

"C'mon, you gotta let me up." When he cracked open an eye, you widened both of yours going, well?

"I thought you wanted a working lady!"

"...I meant if you worked for me."

"No you did not!"

It was Fontaine's turn to roll over, trapping you beneath him with a comfortable sigh, "Did too. Now go to sleep."

You laughed because it was wild that this man thought going back to sleep would erase your workplace obligations. You did allow yourself to lay there. What was a few more minutes?

How could you tear yourself away from someone who wanted nothing more than you to stay.

-----

If something kept you away from each other for the day, Fontaine would often think of you.

If you had time to eat breakfast, if your coworkers were stressing you out. If you were bored, if you were angry.

Were you thinking of him as much as he was of you?

To keep the restlessness at bay, Fontaine would pick up things. Bits and pieces that reminded him that he would see you soon enough.

There was a soothing effect of looking over and seeing something in his passenger seat that he knew you would like. If he put a seatbelt over it-- that was just for safety, y'know?

He frequented the Eastside of the Glen where a market place would appear a few days out the week. He remembered when his Ma would take him and his brother there to support her homegirl that sold wigs and shoes.

It felt like confirmation when he suggested y'all stroll there on your first not-date.

He's brought you candles, silly looking hair clips big enough to handle all of your hair comfortably and Girl scout cookies from two different scouts ("I ain't wanna cause no drama, baby, they were twins!"). He found the Copper Man and hurriedly brought you a few bangles with hoops to match before he vanished again for another few weeks.

Fontaine has brought you enough potted plants that he's probably paid off Mrs. Emerald's house and made quite the name for himself as a "doting boyfriend" at the Coney Island that had the only chili dogs you liked eating.

You weren't surprised when you were handed a heavy, noisy tote bag filled with miscellaneous trinkets and snacks after your shift was over. You were called in unexpectedly and you knew Fontaine wasn't happy about it, and it made you feel bad that he missed you so much.

Deciding that you would take the next day off, you began going through his love-horde as told him of your sudden upcoming long weekend that you planned on spending with him.

----

"Saw these an' thought of you"

You gasped and dropped the book pile somewhere on the shelf you called yourself 'organizing'.

Fontaine had that look on his face when you came closer and you narrowed your eyes at him.

Still, the bouquet were gorgeous. Peonies, your favorite flower and one you knew he had to travel to get. All deep pink and fragrant.

Fontaine leaned in to kiss your cheek and nipped your ear lobe, "Pretty n' pink, just like you."

Confused, you looked down at your clothes. You weren't wearing pink today, but when you heard him chuckle--it clicked.

"You scoundrel!" You swatted his shoulder and hid your hot face in the beautiful petals.

-----

Fontaine could be very playful as times. He reminded you of the cute videos of cats walking up to their playmate and hitting them with the skippity-pap before loping away.

It would, more often than not, result in some tusslin'.

When you turned from the fridge and saw Fontaine edging into the kitchen--full you can't see me mode. You hurried but wasn't fast enough to avoid being snatched up.

"No, wait! My juice!" You yelped as your cup was disturbed. To his credit, Fontaine did back off long enough for you to place your innocent apple juice onto the counter.

You tried to skirt past him but Fontaine caught you again with your arms kept to your side. He lifted you off of you feet despite your flailing and skidding feet.

"C'mon now, 'Taine! I still got my fuzzy socks on!

"I know, I know-- I see 'em! It's the only time yo' lil ass is slow!"

"What is even happening?!"

The sternness of your voice was cracked by your laughing as Fontaine tried knocking you over the arm of the couch. You took hold of him and launched you both over yourself.

"Gahdamn, woman, why you fighting me? I'm tryna cuddle!"

"Cuddle? I was minding my own business tryna drink some juice!"

"That's yo' problem right there, always minding your business but not mindin' your man."

"Oop--don't you get out ya pocket, now!"

Tangling, huffin' and puffin'--shocks of laughter as it went to the floor. You had your legs wrapped around one of Fontaine's arms, trying to keep him from using both hands to pinch at your sides.

"I'll snap it off!" You were breathless and a little dizzy, but triumphant.

Fontaine could very well overpower you but judging from his own heavy breathing and mad grin, a truce was more likely.

"Fine, don't cuddle with me then." Fontaine huffed and went ridiculously limp, making you cackle. You saw the mischief all up and through the pout he was trying to pull off and felt him tensing to spring again.

"Oh nah, we gonna cuddle alright! You done made me sweaty and wasted good juice--time for the choke out!"

-----

You both were sitting on your back porch stares, sharing a blunt and watching the starts start to wake.

Your idle conversation stilled into a pleasant silence, listening to the sounds of birds and the neighborhood settling down for the day.

When passing back the blunt, you caught Fontaine watching you with smiling eyes. Fontaine caught your hand and put it to his chest.

"Yours be beatin' like that?"

He spoke to you quietly, as if he didn't even want the clouds to hear and you pressed closer. Wrapping your arms around his waist and putting your ear to his thumping heart.

"Mhmm. Seems to happen all the time these days." You closed your eyes to relish the sound, "Never been like that before."

Fontaine's answering kiss tasted like agreement.

--------

PHHEEEWWW!

TYSM for reading!!! Im trying to get myself back into the swing of writing and not being so serious sometimes, lol! Thank you to all who supported and encouraged me during this drought of mine! Tell me what you think!

☀️taglist☀️: @megamindsecretlair @thadelightfulone @mag1calenchantr3ss @cocoeffects @wide-nose-and-wonderful @8ttached @thadelightfulone @hobiesmain @thickeeparker @longpause-awkwardsmile @ms-angiealsina @educatorsareslutstoo @mysterychick93 @ms-angiealsina@sageispunk@hunnishive@notapradagurl7@mcondance@longpause-awkwardsmile@educatorsareslutstoo@miyuhpapayuh@mogul93 @kindofanenigma

[fishfingersandjellybabies]

That one anon who said Jon gets his shit together after seeing Kon and Damian together had the right idea.

BUT HEAR ME OUT

Damian gets with Jon AND Kon? A two-for-one deal, if you will. I think it'd be hilarious if Damian had not one, but TWO Super boyfriends.

Bruce is SO pissed. Tim is just as angry and glares every time he sees Kon.

Obviously Kon is still respectful and kind towards Damian, the most he'll do is kiss Damian's check and hold his hand, but STILL.

Jon is happy if Damian is happy, even though it's a little strange that he and his brother are dating his best friend at the same time.

Haha Damian and his little gang of Supers. Because Kon already knows everyone’s pissed, he calls himself Damian’s concubine, Damian a prince and Jon the princess.

Bruce tells Clark all his boys are banned from the house. So, naturally, a few weeks later, he finds all three asleep in Damian’s bed because no one can follow rules in this fucking house.

Jon still gets 95% of Damian’s attention and all the sexy times and there will only ever be a problem if that amount decreases due to his brother…

[panandinpain0]

can I request some fluff for Edward with a gn reader? I just really had a bad day and it's so draining having to deal with constant mood swings of other people 🧍 so just some comfort if that's alright?

"Long Day?"

I've had a pretty bad day too, Anon, it'll be okay <3

Fluff/Comfort Edward Cullen x GN!Reader

Warnings: Swearing

--

Twisting their head back and forth, pops coming from their tense neck, (Y/N) opened the door to their apartment. It was a shabby old thing in Forks, Washington, but they'd had a long day in Port Angeles.

Letting out a long sigh, (Y/N) kicked their door shut, dropping their keys in the bowl next to the door and kicking off their shoes. They slowly started taking off their jacket, eyes drooping, before catching onto the figure in the kitchen doorway.

"Oh, dear God!" (Y/N) exclaimed, gasping and holding a hand to their chest, rolling their eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." Edward didn't sound the least bit apologetic, an amused smile playing on his lips as he walked towards (Y/N) and helped them take off their coat.

"It's fine, I just didn't hear you," (Y/N) mumbled in response, rubbing their eyes and yawning.

"Long day?" Edward asked, ready to hear all about it.

"Don't even get me started. What is it with customers treating employees like they're below them?" (Y/N) started walking to the kitchen, getting themself cereal in the dimmed room as Edward followed.

"All day I've gotten complaints on everything I've done- even though I know I've been doing them right! Ugh, and my coworkers seem to think my sole purpose in life is to listen and help them with their problems. Katy today kept trying to get me to talk to her boyfriend for her, can you believe that? There's no sense of professionalism, you have no idea how much I want to tell her I don't want to be her friend..."

(Y/N) continued to rant, sending Edward the most hilarious facial expressions that had him holding back a laugh, opting to nod sympathetically instead. It wasn't that he didn't think their problems were legitimate- that's not it at all. He honestly didn't like seeing them all worked up, but the sense of domestic-ness in the situation brought him peace. He would listen to them everyday for the rest of his life if they'd let him.

Finally, huffing as they set down the milk on the counter, (Y/N) regarded Edward closely.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be complaining-"

"Don't even start that," Edward interrupted. He stood up from his place in front of the counter and walked around it to (Y/N), taking their face in his hands. "I did ask, and you know I never mind listening."

(Y/N) sighed, unsure, but shook their head. "How was your day?"

"Boring without you there," Edward suavely responded, winking.

Snorting, (Y/N) put the milk away and picked up their cereal.

"Wanna watch a movie while I eat?"

Edward merely hummed in response, wrapping an arm around their shoulders and walking with them to the living room.

Turning on the show they'd been watching together, Edward sat down rigidly on the couch. (Y/N) sat down inches away from him, leaning into his body and pulling a blanket over them both (though they knew it'd do little for Edward).

Slowly Edward relaxed, and the two stayed in the warm cushions long after (Y/N)'s cereal bowl sat discarded on the coffee table in front of them.

Speaking of (Y/N), they were snoring on Edward's shoulder, fast asleep as Edward rubbed their arm soothingly. He leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on their forehead, closing his eyes. If he'd ever wished he could sleep before, it had never been as strong as it was now.

End

--

Hope I did your request justice, Anon!

I channeled a lot of my shit into this and honestly I feel comforted- so at least it helped me 💀

-Author Max <3

[gardenerian]

hey im watching 7x12 and im definitely not watching past this season (except for 10x12) so im just wondering if u remember if ian ever ends up telling the rest of the family about him meeting with mickey? like. ik there's a deleted scene where he talks to lip about it but knowing ian and his capacity for secrets i feel like he didn't tell them... i wish he did tho. like great comedic potential there it'd be fucking hilarious to be able to see that conversation can u imagine

HEY omg the jealousy i feel right now.... what i would not GIVE to watch 7x12 again for the first time. it is one of my favorite episodes of tv everrrrr i hope you loved it 🥲 don't tell me if you didn't it would break my heart

so if you finished the ep you saw he told trevor about it - but i think that's the only canon conversation unless i blocked something out (which is not impossible tbh most of s8 was deleted from my brain as it should amen)

it is the most IAN thing in the world to jump at a few days on the run with mickey, only to be pulled back home..... but not before emPTYING HIS BANK ACCOUNT FOR HIM...... then suffer through the loss of his mother - and then just. not tell anyone???? about his poor heart broken in his chest COOL 😭

but yeah holy shit can you imagine him talking to carl about it 😂 he would be so fucking pumped to hear about mickey successfully saying a big fuck you to cops and prison lmao

[cowgurrrl]

omg! another thing to add for oftm lol, ik there's already so much content regarding the series lol but you know that meme where it has rdj and Chris Hemsworth and their kids? it's like this parent vs this parent or something like that?? well it reminds me of a thought of how there'd for sure be photos like that of rockstar!joel and actress!reader or even videos of them that or just so out of context and it's hilarious! it could be a video of reader explaining something but people take it the wrong way or think it's something inappropriate she's talking about LMAOO or a photo of joel and his band on stage and he makes a silly face. it'd be great truly lol, the fans make memes out of those moments and, again, the fan comments are great too

HAHAHAHA YES

I think they’d be asked about the kids in talk shows and as they get a little bit older, they’re willing to share a little bit more!! Like I can totally imagine actress!reader and Joel on a show like the Graham Norton show where there’s multiple guests at one time and a picture of Joel launching Sophia into the water while you, Ellie, and Sarah look on from your chair on vacation gets shown on screen, her excited and only a little terrified face makes everyone laugh. When you get asked to explain the image, you look at Joel. “I don’t condone this by the way,” you say and Joel gives you a look. “It’s a little fun.” “For them!” “Okay, fine,” Joel concedes. “When my oldest daughter was little, she would always wanna jump in the pool like wouldn’t even wait to take off her shoes. So, I started telling her she’s only allowed to jump in the pool if I’m in the water, ready to catch her, and of course that wasn’t enough so I told her I’d throw her instead ‘cause I figured I could control how far and how many times and whatever. Turns out, the little daredevil gene doesn’t get skipped ‘cause all five of ‘em are the same way so this is what I call ‘preventive parenting.’” “And I call it ‘giving me a heart attack’”

Maybe a few years later, you’re on a different talk show and someone asks you about a video Joel recently posted of you and you immediately know what they’re referencing. “Okay, this was not my finest parenting moment BUT,” you start. “It’s still super funny.” The video starts playing and you can hear Sam practicing his trumpet in his room during his middle school band stint. You and Joel are stifling laughter down the hallway when Violet suddenly comes out of her room in all her eight-year-old attitude, slams his door opens, and yells, “can you shut the fuck up?!” Joel starts laughing and you’re immediately in mom mode. “Violet Isabelle, that is not how you speak to your brother!” You scold. She spins on her heels and throws her arms up in defeat at being caught before changing tactics. “You say it to Daddy all the time!” The video ends with Joel hysterically laughing on the floor and you trying to keep it together to explain what “adult language” is. “In my defense,” you say. “Being married to a musician is like being married to a human noise machine and after so many years of playing shows, his hearing isn’t the best. So, yeah, sometimes he needs a little reminder that he’s being loud.”

I also see the kids posting TikTok pranks once theyre teenagers like one time Sam recorded a video of you and Sophia pretending to get into an argument when she stomps away with a “Shut up!” Joel, watching the whole thing from the kitchen, jumps into action. “Hey! Do not tell my wife to shut up!” Or there’s another video floating around of Ellie and Sarah surprising you at work after not seeing them for a while but they hid in your trailer’s bathroom so you didn’t know they were there until you went to take off your makeup and they jumped out and scared you. “Don’t fucking do that shit!” You yell before realizing it’s your daughters and they’re on the ground, giggling together, and you got caught. It’s all in good fun and demonstrates that no matter how crazy your life may be, you’re just another family at the end of the day

Here are some silly images that remind me of this little group too :-)

[your-divine-ribs]

The Devil Next Door Part 10

Words: 2.2k

Apologies for the gratuitous wanking scene, it’s absolutely completely necessary for the development of the plot, honest 🤭

The Devil Next Door Masterlist Main Masterlist

❤️‍🔥 Van's POV ❤️‍🔥

I'm lingering in that state just between sleep and wakefulness, that hazy realm where everything's soft and warm and cosy. I burrow my face into the pillow, closing my eyes, trying my hardest to shut out the reality that's threatening to intrude into my heavenly dream world. I've just been dreaming about Y/N, dreaming she was in bed with me, all soft lace and velvety skin, her delicious little moans and sighs travelling straight down to my cock which is achingly hard as I press my pelvis into the mattress, letting out a groan of pure frustration.

I could have quite easily stayed in that state for the rest of the day, languishing in my bed, my thoughts full of her. Her touch, her voice, her scent. In my mind's eye I had her pinned beneath me as she looked up at me breathless and needy, eyes heavy-lidded with lust and perfect pink lips parted to expel a sensual moan as I sank into her slowly. And she felt good... so goddamn good...

"Van mate! Got the kettle on. Wanna cuppa?" Bondy's voice is accompanied by a rap on my bedroom door, then his voice comes again when I don't answer immediately. "You awake yet?"

"I wasn't but I am now," I grumble, hoisting myself up to lean against the headboard. I frown as I look down at the bed-sheets tenting in my lap, my obvious arousal taunting me.

"How ya feeling today anyway?" My bedroom door's opening before I can protest and I quickly grab for a pillow to position strategically, embarrassed.

"How d'ya think I'm feeling? Like bloody shit."

"Head still hurting eh?" Bondy grins, more amused than sympathetic. "Or is it yer pride that's taken more of a blow?"

I force out a laugh but the truth is I'm struggling to see the funny side in the cold light of day. I mean yeah, the whole thing's certainly very humorous to an outsider. Getting caught spying on a girl you fancy in such a sneaky way, ending up sprawled in her flower bed in the middle of the night like some kind of weirdo? Lying blatantly to her face and making up a convoluted story in an attempt to spend more time with her but getting found out? Hilarious.

If it'd been Bondy caught up in the same predicament I'd have been creased over double with laughter and relishing winding him up about it at every opportunity. In fact I'd probably never let him live it down. But it wasn't Bondy. It was me. And I felt wounded about it.

"I wouldn't worry too much, she'll probably see the funny side of it eventually," my friend chuckles, leaning against the door frame.

"You didn't hear her," I grimace, recalling the furious look on her face as she'd told me I was a 'sneaky, lying piece of shit' before she'd manhandled me out of the door. "She was fuming! I swear I thought she was gonna swing at me. Said if she never saw me again it'd be too soon."

"It was a bit of a dick move," Bondy says, shaking his head, still smiling. "Whatever possessed you to climb her fucking flower trellis to snoop on her anyway?"

I wince in embarrassment, knowing I'm in for a complete roasting when the other lads find out about my antics.

"She invited that Tom in with her when we got back, didn't she? I just wanted to see if I'd missed my chance with her like... whether it was even worth me still going after her. And then the bloody thing came away from the wall and I went down with it."

Bondy's eyes widen in disbelief, deep, hearty laughter bursting from him as I tell him the whole humiliating story in detail rather than the brief version he'd got last night when he'd stumbled in at 2am.

Christ... I really am a loser. Hearing myself recount the story just makes me realise how much of a fool I've made of myself. And especially after the way Y/N had looked at me up on stage... I was never going to get that again now, was I?

"Well... you've spectacularly fucked that one up then haven't ya?" Bondy announces like I wasn't already fully aware of that very fact. "You know if you really liked her there's a million other more effective ways to show it... like inviting her out for a drink or something, or... ya know... acting like a normal human being around her. Just a thought."

"S'fine anyway," I say resignedly. "If I'm honest it's probably for the best. It's not even like I actually like her that much, I just fancy her, that's all. I'm not interested in a relationship, it's just been a while and she's fit."

Bondy's eyebrows raise up slightly and I know he doesn't believe a word that's coming out of my mouth, and if I'm being completely honest, I'm finding it hard to swallow too. I just can't admit to myself that there's a very real possibility that I'm catching feelings. I don't do feelings.

"You sure about that? I can't remember you acting this daft over a lass you just wanted to shag before."

"I mean it," I say, trying to convey a belief I don't really feel. "Tom's welcome to her, reckon she'd be too much like hard work. Ever since we moved in she's found a reason to snipe at me, and I know I'm at fault this time but it's not always that way. I think she actually enjoys fighting with me... gets some kind of a kick out of it. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. I'm dead peaceful me."

Bondy pushes himself off from where he's leaning, giving me a sly smile. "Sounds like sexual tension to me."

This time when I smile back it's genuine. "That's just it, that's exactly what I'm saying. It's nothing more than that... and I can soon scratch that itch with someone else... So who've you invited to this party on Friday then?"

❤️‍🔥 Y/N’s POV ❤️‍🔥

You'd thought a good night's sleep would calm you down but you're still fuming when you awaken the next morning. Maybe that's because it wasn't such a good night's sleep. You'd tossed and you'd turned, trying to get comfortable enough to just switch off and drift into a restful oblivion but your efforts had been futile. In the end you'd just given up even trying and had lain there stiffly thinking about Van, hands balled into fists at the side of you, getting more and more irritated as the minutes ticked by, stewing over the fact that he'd purposefully sabotaged your evening with Tom. You'd eventually succumbed to sleep but it had been restless and now here you were again, lying there awake far too early for saying you were on an afternoon shift at work, thinking about Van again.

But maybe that's not such a bad thing, you try to reason with yourself. Being mad with Van is definitely preferable to going soft on him like you were perilously close to last night when you were both cosying up together on the sofa. You should be indulging in these thoughts, seeing him for what he really is, and that's certainly not boyfriend material.

There's just one small problem. Every time you think about how much Van winds you up, there's an unexpected and very unwelcome by-product to those thoughts. In your mind's eye his infuriatingly cocky smile transforms into a sexy smirk and his piercing blue gaze gives you shivers for all the wrong reasons.

You groan in frustration, casting the duvet aside and hoisting yourself up and out of bed. You're intending to shower but you spot your running gear folded up on a nearby chair where you've not got around to putting away your laundry yet. Maybe a long run is just what you need to clear your head and work all of this tension out of your body and your mind.

Trainers on, you head for the door.

❤️‍🔥 Van's POV ❤️‍🔥

As soon as Bondy leaves my room I decide to get up, knowing if I linger in bed for much longer I'll just end up daydreaming about Y/N again. The fact that I know her bedroom's right next door to mine and she could easily be lying there in bed right now a few feet away from me is a dangerous path for my thoughts to be wandering down. Especially now I know I've completely blown any chance of anything happening between the two of us.

Maybe I need to actually start buying into what I've been feeding Bondy. The best thing for me to do is just accept that ship has sailed and get on with my life... one that doesn't involve her.

The only trouble is, the more I try not to think about something the more it tends to weasel its way into my brain. No sooner have I stripped off my boxers and stepped under the warm spray of the shower then she's back. Those big expressive eyes of hers framed by thick long lashes, her delicate curves, those luscious lips I can imagine trailing over every inch of my body...

I consider switching the heat of the shower to cool to dampen my desire but the warmth feels too good leeching into my muscles so I crank it up instead, steam rising and quickly filling the small cubicle, the hot spray raining down on me as I reach for the shower gel. Visions dance through my head of Y/N taking a shower, her skin slick and glistening as she runs her hands over her body, her head tipped back and her eyes screwed shut, revelling in the feeling.

"Shit," I curse, low and choked, blood rushing to my loins as my filthy thoughts intensify.

It's so vivid. She's in the cubicle with me now, gorgeous tits pressed up against my chest almost as hard as her lips are mashed against mine as we kiss passionately, her hands firmly tangled in the hair at the nape of my neck. Then I'm reaching down to curl my hands around each of her thighs, lifting her up to slide against the tiles until she's on a level with me, legs wrapped snugly around my hips.

"Fuck me Van," dream Y/N breathes into my open mouth as we kiss, a plea I'm only too happy to fulfil. "Right here, right now. I want you inside me."

A red hot ball of fire ignites between my legs at the thought as I finally give in to my urges, a hand trailing down my soapy frame to wrap around my semi-hard cock, sighing at the feeling as I swell and grow in my palm.

Christ... the things I want to do to her. I've not been this fucking horny since I was a teenager. It's shameful. Here I am, a grown man wanking over wet dreams like a fifteen year old. But now I've started I've no intention of stopping, it feels too good.

A throaty groan escapes me as I begin to slide my fist up and down my slick length, hanging my head to watch as the flushed, wet head of my cock disappears and re-appears at every stroke. I shoot out one hand to brace myself against the shower screen, the other increasing in pace as I work myself over, faster and faster, my hips shunting forward as I imagine thrusting into her.

My eyes are screwed shut now, chasing the fantasy, picturing her face creasing in ecstasy. She gasps as I fuck her hard into the cool, smooth tiles. She feels warm and wet and blissfully tight and I flex my fingers to increase my grip, trying to replicate what I can imagine would be the blissful sensation of her deliciously pretty cunt clenching around me.

"Fuck... Y/N... yeah... baby..." I mutter, barely audible over the drumming water which is cascading down my body in rivulets as I hunch over, pursuing my high. Sparks of sensation shoot through me as I jerk myself even faster, biting my bottom lip hard to stop my groans of pleasure spilling forth.

I'm going to come soon, it's inevitable. I can feel the pressure building steadily until it's past the point of no return, a knot of searing heat in my lower abdomen, my balls pulling up tight as my thighs start to tremble.

"Fu...ck," I hiss through gritted teeth as I feel myself finally let go, thrusting into my fist as hot spurts of cum spill over my knuckles and trickle down to the shower floor where they get washed away. I stay in that position for a while, catching my breath, chest rising and falling from my exertions.

The relief of my climax is instantaneous but there's little satisfaction in it. It's not followed by soft kisses and gentle caresses and whispered words of affection and praise. There's just an empty shower cubicle and my left hand for company, a little voice in my head taunting me that this is as good as it's going to get for me. Much as I keep telling myself that I don't want all those things I know deep down that I'm lying to myself.

I push the unwanted thoughts away as I rinse myself off and then I'm heading downstairs in search of breakfast.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Ok sure Edward flips positions on vampire souls after witnessing the miracle of weird hybrid baby, but what if when the series started the Pope made a papal decree that vampires have souls. And then not to be outdone major religious leaders from all sorts of religions, factions, sects, and cults all chime in on the affirmative. (Probably humanity mostly thinks it's a funny joke that lights up the news channels for a few days.).

Anyways is (alleged) Word of God enough to convince Edward or is he so teenager that he doesn't even notice? And if it was enough to shift his thinking, does his attitude towards Bella's desire for vampiredom change?

Mmm reading this blog i suspect the answer is "No", and that's boring but I just realized. The rest of Vampiredom-- how much are they freaking out? Because I bet that shit would be really freaky to hear about from passing radios and tvs and stuff while you're hunting down dinner. And maybe Edward doesn't change, but I bet the Volturi are hilariously stressed rn. Humans are flooding the internet with ironic vampire memes, Caius is growling every time Jane or Alec shows him one, and Aro has to remind him "No, we can't go kill the Pope, it wouldn't help anything." To which Caius is prolly like "Well it'd make me feel better, that'd help" and I know this isn't the way their dialogue goes but what if?

Tl;dr anon gets distracted asking about Edward's excuse re vampire souls, envisions Aro's having a hard time instead.

But what if???

Aro actually doesn't have a hard time either.

Because what you describe is something humanity itself isn't in any way taking seriously. No one suddenly believes in vampires, you just have a troll of a Pope telling the Catholics "vampires have souls now" and the Catholic religion likely being thrown into chaos as a) the Pope has just told everyone to accept the vampires b) If vampires do exist they're blood sucking murderous demons that the pope... told them to accept.

What's on the news is mayhem in the Catholic religion and the entire universe making fun of them.

As for all other religious leaders doing it... trouble is that other religions aren't necessarily set up the same way. Protestant Christianity, for example, rejected the idea of a Pope entirely and has no central authority/no religious figure closest to God.

So, even if the Dalai Lama is telling the Tibetan monks to accept our brothers the vampires, it wouldn't be the widespread word of god you're envisioning.

The Pope doing this alone would generate so many memes. So many.

But back to your question, Edward neither notices nor cares. He doesn't practice any of these religions, humans are stupid and uninformed and have no idea what a vampire even is, he's the one who lives it and has no reason to listen to these random world religious leaders. (Edward, it's worth being said, isn't actually that religious in the traditional sense. Edward has facets of religion that he uses to reinforce the narrative he already likes about the world, namely that he himself is a damned soulless monstrosity. Edward notes to Bella he doesn't necessarily believe in a God. He just believes in the part where he's an abomination against nature.)

As for the Volturi not caring, humanity genuinely (and not shitposting) believed in demons as a whole until quite recently. In canon we still see cultures very aware of the vampire and very in the know. Carlisle himself died chasing what he knew was a vampire out of London. The secret is a means to enforce vampires not eating fucking everything: not necessarily to be a grand secret kept at all costs.

So, humans think what they think is vampires have souls now because the Pope said something. Aro probably sighs as vampires may seek to take advantage of this thinking the secret's over now and it's all cool if they eat a village, "I have a soul now! The Pope absolves me of my sins personally!" The Volturi has to work a little harder but... not harder than usual. The most I can see from Aro is just standing around with his hands in the air wondering why, why, would the Pope say this.

[cornertheculprit]

also zak and phoenix's interactions are actually hilarious because you have zak trying to catch phoenix off-guard over and over or at least make him chuckle like the performer he is and phoenix just sitting there unknowingly wearing his poker face and saying shit with the flattest voice ever until zak gets legitimately unsettled and is just like fuck it. i give up. look at this:

[when examining juice crate]

Zak: This... is grape juice? Is it refreshing?

Phoenix: I usually drink too much and it ends up making me thirsty.

Zak: ...Oh, Mr. Wright. There is something inside that bottle.

Phoenix: Huh...? It's my business card.

Zak: ...... You aren't surprised at all. Perhaps you don't like magic?

Phoenix: (I sure felt surprised. Maybe I had my poker face on.)

[when examining piano]

Zak: I must say, it comes as quite a surprise. I never knew you played.

Phoenix: I'd do anything else if I could, believe me. Oh yeah, there's something you could help me with. Do you think you could make that piano disappear? ...It'd help out in a lot of ways, really.

Zak: ...... Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha! You say the funniest things with the straightest face!

Phoenix: ...People always tell me that. (Except I wasn't joking.)

[when examining table]

Phoenix: One of the restaurant tables. This one's the closest to the piano. ...Which makes it the hardest to eat at, I hear. ...On days when I'm playing, that is.

Zak: What do you think about the ukulele? The sound is slight, the annoyance, curtailed.

Phoenix: A ukulele in a Russian restaurant?

Zak: Then, you must go to a Hawaiian restaurant.

Phoenix: Hawaiian shirts don't go with my complexion.

Zak: Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha! ...I give up.

[notshuttingup]

i just read the undertale newsletter and i AM FUCKING LOSING IT!!!!! i was super excited to see the papyrus q&a and like?????? WAGHH?? "GREEN GRASS?????" GREEN GRASS, PAPYRUS???!?!?!?! HOLY SHIT. I'M JUST. INSANE. I'M GOING CRAZY.

papyrus is like one of my favorite characters from undertale (if i had to choose my top 3 it'd be flowey, papyrus, and chara) and so i was THRILLED about this. unfortunately i missed my chance to send in a question (i was like an hour late to the party and i was so upset) but still!!! STILL!!! it was very cool.

i think the question about friends keeping stuff from him is very interesting...especially with how papyrus initially reacted to it. he's seems really uneasy before backpedaling (or more like...forward pedaling?) into a completely different assumption.

going back to the whole 'green grass' debacle, it really feels like sans interrupted him on purpose. which, while not surprising, is still a little frustrating. i guess being frustrating is just his job lol.

i'm really excited for deltarune chapter 3 based on the information we got...."unusual gameplay elements"....it just makes you think! while my love for undertale runs deep like a river, i do think deltarune is a bit more fun to play? it just has more going on, especially with it's battle system. so hearing chapter 3 is focused on "unusual gameplay elements" makes me excited, especially since chapter 3 may very well be in a TV world. i'm hoping for many TV & movie references.

that's pretty much all i have to say about it...the extra sprites were cute, the sans ice cream thing is hilarious, the dog bonk song reminded me of "kara kara kara no kara" by kikuo...it's probably still going to be a year or two before more of the deltarune chapters come out. chapter 3, 4, 5 are supposed to be released together, i believe, with chapter 6 and 7 coming later. sooo....it's gonna be awhile, lol. i'm alright with waiting. toby always delivers.

(also i think there needs to be fanart of papyrus playing the xylophone...maybe i'll do it myself lol)

[punk-pandame]

Okay, so I know you talked about this like 2 years ago, but I was looking through your Kabuto tag and HOLY SHIT! Him being a sensor type would've been incredible and it'd really, really drive home his healer/killer dichotomy! Personally, I love his dorky ass cards but they really are just glorified Bingo Book pages; evidently Kishimoto must've thought the same, seeing as they're never seen again until Boruto, where they're just regular ol' trading cards. Aaaanyways...

Not only would his ability to plant chakra onto his own make his presence even more threatening, it would've made his ongoing identity crisis even more intense. If you feel, sense and hell, even hear the memories left from chakra inside yourself, how You are you anymore? Does that chakra leave or does it stick with you and for how long? Would the chakra only rear its head in the presence of its original owner? So many questions!

Maybe that's another reason why he'd latch onto Orochimaru even more; little bastard's probably got some sort of anti-chakra miasma that makes how he really thinks/feels hard as shit to perceive in its entirety. Like trying to drive a car in fog. It'd give Kabuto a break from dealing with sensor nonsense and he'd ALSO wanna be nosy and figure Oro out like a fucked up Rubik's Cube.

I think the parallels he'd have with Karin and their interactions would also be very interesting to explore too. Imagine the only other person who can understand you, practically at the molecular level, and you hate their fucking guts; that'd be hilarious! Karin and Kabuto would have to plug their noses or something every time they're around each other-- them vibes smell like old lady's perfume department and moldy garbage, respectively. 😌

i wish tumblr would let me search my own blog so i knew what exactly you were talking about but YEAH YOU'RE SO RIGHT!! healer/killer dichotomy AND identity crises should have been played up more. and i think kabuto's vibes would smell like dissection day in science class ajsdhjgklhadjkhgjkasdlh