#hes only in it for like 20 minutes max . but what a glorious 20 they are

[wuntrum]

bruce campbell in that one movie (sundown: the vampire in retreat)

[technicolorfamiliar]

Technicolor Familiar Watches Too Many Conrad Veidt Movies Part 2 of ?

(More on what this is all about in Part 1)

Disclaimer: I think I get into more plot spoilers here than I did in my last post, incase that matters to any interested parties reading this.

We're getting into the titles where I mostly went in cold, no expectations or even general ideas of what these movies were about beyond brief descriptions on IMDB or Letterboxd.

Oh and, Disclaimer #2: If the creators/editors/scanners of any images used see their work here, please let me know so I can give you proper credit! 🖤

The Thief of Bagdad, 1940 Dir. Ludwig Berger, Zoltan Korda, Tim Whelan, Michael Powell, William Cameron Menzies ⭐2/5 Watched Oct 24, Max Ehhh, I don't know. A lot of people really love this movie. I did not particularly enjoy really anything about it. Sure, it's a groundbreaking technological marvel that set the standard for a lot of future fantasy films. But the story is messy in a way that couldn't be rectified by Movie Magic. All those directors probably account for some of the problems there, but I haven't done a ton of research into the making of the film (what is it with large scale, big budget movies made around this time all having multiple directors?). And, I have to say, putting white actors in brown face is always a tough sell. The third act was partially saved by Sabu and Rex Ingram, two actors of color, having some extended screen time, but only just barely. And frankly, I think Connie, although absolutely glorious in Technicolor, was largely wasted on this one.

Der Student von Prague (The Student of Prague), 1926 Dir. Henrik Galeen ⭐4/5 Watched Oct 29, Archive.org Poor Balduin. All he wanted was a hot, rich girlfriend and what did he get? His evil double chasing him around Prague like Michael Myers. I really loved the old school mirror effects and filming tricks. The updated score in the version I watched was pretty good, too. The final act was excellent. The suspense, the build up -- it's all so well-crafted. And an excellent bridge between high German Expressionism and dramatic period romance. We love to see Connie as the tormented romantic hero. Especially when he's giving face, he's giving eyes, he's giving shapes. I'm having a hard time finding anything negative to say about this one. My only gripe is that it's just a little long, could have had maybe 20 - 30 minutes chopped off (but which 20 - 30 min I could not say).

The Passing of the Third Floor Back, 1935 Dir. Berthold Viertel ⭐4/5 Watched Nov 1, Archive.org This film... it's timeless, actually. I may be a grumpy old so-and-so, but stories where one kind and gentle character comes in and leaves a lasting influence on a bunch of deeply flawed or even outright awful people always get me. For some reason, this is the first of Connie's films from the 1930s on my watch list. Not sure what took me so long, but I was really pleasantly taken aback by his delicately nuanced and subdued performance here. His measured gestures and restraint are so great in this film, and so appropriate for the character. I really appreciate the way the Stranger takes time to consider and see the folks at the boarding house in a way they're clearly not seeing each other. I also love that there's not a lot of exposition or explanation like there usually is in similar pictures: Why is the Stranger there? Who/what is he? Where did he come from? The audience kind of gets an answer at the end, but ultimately nothing more than what we're given matters and wouldn't affect the story anyway.

The Last Performance, 1929 Dir. Paul Fejos ⭐4/5 Watched Nov 4, Youtube Gooped and gagged! Somehow we go from adding a fourth to Erik's polycule to MURDER? I'm so mad so much footage (and a voiceover??) was lost. Can we please talk about the big bisexual energy Connie has in this movie, maybe more than any other film on my list so far? From how he physically handles his costars to how he's styled with the heavy makeup, the tails, the dressing gown, it was a lot to take in, and I am living for it. I'm realizing that, as a performer, he really is a master technician, somehow without anything he's doing on screen coming off as inauthentic or too studied, without "showing the work." Erik's face journey when he kisses Julie's hand and wishes her all the best with Mark is worth watching the whole movie for.

Dark Journey, 1937 Dir. Victor Saville ⭐3/5 Watched Nov 12, Youtube Please believe me when I say I really tried very hard to pay attention to the plot of this movie. But it was extremely difficult as I nearly swallowed my tongue because of how stupidly attractive Connie is as Von Marwitz. He's charming, intense, vulnerable. He really has the range, darling. He's kind of using his lower vocal register a bit which apparently does things to me. (Sorry for all the parentheses in this post, but I was shocked years ago when I saw Casablanca and heard that voice come out of that person. It… it does not go. He's like a early 20th century German Jeremy Irons and I guess I half expected him to sound like that too.) Also, I wasn't into monocles before. I am now. So I have to apologize, I know I said I was going to keep the thirst posts to a minimum but can you blame me? Really? But uh, the movie itself? The story is fine, the script is just ok. There's lots of eye candy with the production design. Vivienne Leigh is doing Vivienne Leigh. And she got that man, so good for her I guess.

Part 3 is going to be all over the place in terms of genre and tone, so we'll see how that goes as I piece together all the stuff I wrote.

[riacte]

If you want a recap of the xqc voiding the hermitcraft logo, basically xqc started in foxhole, went through nasa/space x and then straight through our logo. He did go up the gme line and over brazil to avoid angering them though lol It was absolute chaos in the discord when it happened, the cooldown timer for comments had to be extended multiple times. There really wasn't anything we could do because XQC was constantly asking for the void to be solid so it was hard to rebuild. However, when it came time to rebuild there was a faction that wanted to move the Hermitcraft logo over to be centered over the hermits. Basically no one in the discord wanted this so it was a struggle to get the logo back to where it was for historical purposes. At one point the logo was Hermit Hermit.

Eventually we had help from a few of our allies (all the minecraft groups, brazil, love live, I believe omori was also a huge help) to get the logo back to what it looked like in the references. And it happened so fast!

Honestly once the void had moved on it really only took 20-30 minutes max to rebuild. Probably closer to the 20 minutes. It really was glorious to watch.

It must’ve been lovely to see everybody banding together 🥺🥺 it was indeed quick tbh, I felt the panic just from backreading and it was impressive how we got control relatively quickly <3

[lovee-infected]

This idea just hit me like a train. How would twst boys react to WAP from Cardi B?? 😂😂😂

I'm trying to ignore the fact that I might've never discovered WAP without this request...🗿

Warning(s): What should I even tag as the warning idkk ckcjxjsjsjdjdjck- Mentions of WAP's lyrics, mentions of nsfw, Warning for Idia's part bc I think it went a bit too far-

Riddle Rosehearts

Heard of this song named WAP being trending between students -> Searched it up -> Riddle:... Riddle: *Turns off his phone*

Bans WAP from the whole Heartslabyul afterwards, and every student found listening to it will have to face Riddle's: "NOOOOOOO- NO WAP IN THIS HOUSEHOLD - GO TO HORNY JAIL OFF WITH YOUR HEADS YOU UNWORTHY CREATURES- "

Trey Clover

Searches: "What does WAP mean?" before wards and after reading the search results he decides that he doesn't really need to listen to the song itself anymore.

He just clears his browsing history and returns to baking cakes. Nothing has happened, he knows nothing.

Cater Diamond

He is the guy making those "Night raven college react to WAP!!" videos on magicam. His reaction videos get over 100k views and people from all over the Twisted Wonderland start following this dork for them.

Who cares about the WAP itself? As long as he can gain followers over these videos he doesn't care how the song is supposed to be.

But at last Riddle discovers his videos by finding other dorms' students laughing over them and forces him to take them down💀 Man, Riddle really did ruin his once-in-a-life time chance for becoming popular.

Ace Trappola and Deuce Spade

Riddle has banned WAP Heartslabyul so they're going to illegally listen to it. It was Ace's fault though, Deuce is innocent.

Ace searchs up the music video, Deuce just sees the thumbnail and tells Ace that he doesn't think that this is going to be a good idea but Ace cuts him off by asking him not to be such a chicken-

Though they had to stop because Deuce was all shaky and embarrassed after just 20 seconds :"Stop this-STOP THIS- I CAN'T DO THIS- WE'RE STILL TOO YOUNG" and Ace had to stop to shut Deuce because they could've gotten caught at any second because of his unholy screams.

[a few minutes later...]

Deuce: It was saying DOORS in this house

Ace: Bruh what the- we both know it was saying Wh*res.

Deuce: Y-you dirty minded bastard!! It was clearly saying doors in this house!

Ace: Why the hell would they say doors in this house!??? It was wh*res!

Deuce: Doors!

Ace: WH*RES

Deuce: DOORS

Ace: WH*RES

Deuce: DOOOOORRRSSSSSSSSS

Leona Kingscholar

See he might be a jerk but he hasn't yet gotten to the level of appreciating this way of presenting women in songs-

He's just going to pretend that WAP doesn't exist,but most of the Savanaclaw on the other hand are going wild because with WAP, now he can't even take a peaceful nap without WAP being looped in his brain.

Ruggie Bucchi

WAP isn't beyond his power, he's handled stronger songs.✨ He'd regularly rap WAP in public when he's feeling like it.

Now he goes around to recommend WAP to naïve students and taint their virginity by making them listen to WAP without knowing what it is-

Jack Howl

Catches Ace and Deuce listening to WAP and ends up listening to it because of them. He doesn't knpw what to say...

He isn't mad, just disappointed. Disappointed parent noises. Out of all these students, why should he best buddies which these two?

Time to drag Ace and Deuce to a corner and give them a long speech on why young men their age need to be focusing on mastering skills and achieving success through these golden years instead of violating rules and tainting their pure minds.

"Trappola-kun, Spade-kun, you've greatly disappointed me. You need to be more mindful of your actions as fellow freshmen of night raven college. Is this how the future's great magicians are going to be? How do you think your parents would feel about this new habit of yours? Have you thought of how despicable women are being presented through such songs? Are you going to support such a taboo message toward ladies?"

And Ace and Deuce end up having to listen to him and think of their bad actions for the rest of the day...

Azul Ashengrotto

[Before listening to WAP]: He hears of this WAP song being super trending between students. What might it secret be? What kind of magic would make a simple song so hecking popular? He has to find out.

Azul thinks that by learning WAP's ways, he might be able to produce songs that are even better for mostrolounge and even start his very own music company! But before that he needs to listen to wap itself...

[After listening to WAP]: ...He discovers what kind of magic is making it so popular, but decides that it'd be better for him take a step back from the world of music for now. Yes, he's traumatized

Floyd Leech

"Hey hey koooeeebiii chaaannnn have you seen my new dance~?" ah yes, he's got the WAP dance and he's proud of it. These are the time when he's genuinely thankful for getting to have human legs.

But the WAP dance isn't his only target, he realizes that Jamil doesn't seem to want Kalim to know anything about WAP, but thankfully, Floyd is going to be kind enough to bless the young Kalim with his wealthy knowledge on WAP. ✨

Jade Leech

"My...my...that was savage," Jade is amazed, it's quite wonderful how these fragile creatures can go from Micheal Jackson's smooth criminal to WAP in a matter of years.

He's still having trouble keeping up with latest human trends and popular songs but, he's slowly liking humans a lot more than before. These creatures have already reached the level to make put p*rn in music, impressive.

Kalim Al Asim

He hears students whispering about an epic song named WAP during the classes, and of course he'd be intrigued!

He looks up the song but Jamil has already blocked his access to any sources that he might find WAP in, yet Floyd was kind enough to lend Kalim his phone to let him listen to this masterpiece. Later on, Floyd tells him about the WAP dance and bam, Kalim is addicted.

"Everyone watch me! I've got the WAP!"

Poor Jamil doesn't know which is worse, having Kalim signing it loudly in the dorm or watching him showing off his skills in that WAP dance in public. It's time for Jamil to go on a long, long trip and never come back until Kalim graduates from this school.

Jamil Viper

Listens to WAP once, is going to spend the rest of his life pretending that he has never heard or watched it. The most ironic part about it is how he watches the music video instead of just listening to the song and...the snakes. Good lord the snakes- He isn't sure if he likes snakes anymore.

The snakes part seriously traumatizes him but not like Kalim does when he asks Jamil to learn him the WAP dance. And heck no Jamil isn't going to learn him how to dance like a wh*re. At this point, he decides to deny WAP's whole existence.

Kalim: At least tell me what a WAP is!

Jamil:

Jamil: Worship and prayer.

Vil Schoenheit

Hasn't listened to WAP and refuses to do so. He's got standards.

Rook Hunt

"Bravo!!! These Mademoiselles have taken the art of music to a whole nother level! Beaute! 100 points! 💯" (...what else did you expect him to say?)

Just as always, no one can really tell if Rook really liked it or not but from the way he acts he seems to be... intrigued. Apparently WAP starts to get too famous in school and Rook would always be the first one to find out if a student is secretly listening to WAP in public, so he doesn't mind popping up and reminding the students not to listen to such a potentially stimulating song so carelessly: "Monsieur (x), it's adorable to see you appreciating such a glorious piece of art in this lovely day, but I don't think that all of these students staring at us right now are yet prepared for such a beauty,"

Epel Felmier

He just asked Ace for some music that'll make him sound more badass and Ace gave him the WAP:

Epel listening to WAP be like:😳😶😨😕😭

His face is redder than a tomato after the first 30 seconds of WAP, but Ace tells him that he'd be the bravest human being ever if he takes the urge to listen to this in front of teachers.

Tries to dance to WAP and make a video with it to upload on magicam, but Vil catches him in the middle of process.💀💀💀 The video turned out pretty good though. It looks just like a mother (Ehm- Vil) getting into her child's room (Epel-) and finding them doing some crazy shit.

Idia Shroud

He's the silent and seemingly shy dude who's listening to WAP in the highest volume under those head phones during classes.

Divus Crewel: CaF2(s) + Br2(ℓ) → CaBr2(s) + F2(g)...

Inside Idia's headphones: " ~ Wh*res in this house~ there some wh*res in this house~ there some wh*res in this house~ there some wh*res in this house~"

Bonus: He once forgets to connect his headphones to his tablet before playing WAP:

[Wap is being played at max volume inside Trein's class]

Idia: *Thinks that the sound is coming from his head phones*

The classroom: "Beat it up, n*gga, catch a charge

Extra large and extra hard

Put this p**sy right in your face

Swipe your nose like a credit card"

Trein: 😳

Students: 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

Crowley about to jump down: 🤭

Idia still not realizing what the hell is going on: 'Lucy lucy baby~ hihihi- wait- why they all staring at me now...? Did they hear me internally flirt with Lucius?'

No need to say what happened to Idia after this...

Ortho Shroud

No WAP for him. You may find him reacting to "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands" if you're interested.🗿

Malleus Draconia

Thank goodness he just finds the censored version of WAP... Listens to the whole song, but doesn't understand most of the lyrics. The "Put this cookie right in your face" part confuses him the most, he doesn't get it. Why would you put a cookie in your face? Is this something humans usually to do with their desserts? Like, would they put ice cream in their faces too?

Virgin dragon keeps on asking people, including Lilia, to tell him what it means to put a cookie in one's face, yet no one seems to give him any proper answers ):

Perhaps human music just isn't his thing, he's getting back to sad violin noises which he listens to when he isn't invited.

Lilia Vanrouge

WAP go brrrrrrr. Our sassy grandpa is legit in love with this piece of gold and all of the humans for achieving such a glory. The beat is superb and the lyrics are: Delicious, motivational and creatively written.

Even better, WAP has an unofficial but smexy dance too. Old man Lilia is never too old for performing a sexy physically challenging dance.

You can now hear savage rock sounds combined with WAP playing in the background coming from his room when he's vibing in the afternoon.

(I can totally see him wearing a neko maiden costume while dancing to WAP and you can't tell me otherwise)

Silver

Finds WAP in papa Lilia's playlist...

Silver:

Silver:

Sebek Zigvolt

Sweet mother of love Sebek feels like listening to WAP has taken his virginity away-

He is a good boy, no, he once was a good boy. He's no longer the worthy man he used to be now that this unholy song has tainted his soul.

Legit feels guilty and and sinful after WAP, so you can find him praying for forgiveness to that Malleus portrait in his room every night.

"Oh young master forgive my thoughtless deeds, I beg for your mercy upon me now that I've sinned..."

Dire Crowley

Not saying that a drag Queen Crowley dancing to WAP would be a thing, but a drag Queen Crowley dancing to WAP would be a thing- Everyone bow down to the Headmaster, the most gracious of them all 😩😩😩👌🏻

Please, don't blame him. Birby is under too much of pressure after the very recent overblot cases and he needs a way to let go of the stress😔😔😔

Sam

Is illegally selling copies of the WAP because most of the dorms had blocked access to this song for the students...

"Helloooooo little demons I've got the WAP! In stuck now-"

[sweetrupturedlight]

This week on Sen Çal Kapımı

Serkan's inability to articulate his feelings for Eda has him literally man down, while Eda contemplates their kinda, sorta, maybe mutual feelings and her future. Other stuff happens, but come on, with this episode, Edser takes centre stage as the ship sets sail on the high seas.

Before we jump right into it, last week in this post, I bulleted the things all of us expected was coming. 

Let’s take one moment to note the glorious ways in which all of these things unfolded?

Nursing back to health

Pining

Severe angst

Breaking point

Dear writers of this show, we appreciate you. We are truly blessed.

Now, on to this week. The episode picks up where we left off, with Selin giving Serkan 2 days to decide whether she drops Ferit like a hot potato on the eve of their wedding. Let’s be clear, she wants to dump a man she is supposed to marry in two days to resume a logical and clinical relationship? Is Selin even in love with Serkan? It doesn’t seem like he treated her very well – but then again, it seems their relationship had a very logical genesis – no sweeping romantic gestures, no sweet words, no compliments it would seem! etc. So objectively I’m not sure what exactly makes that prospect better than the one with Ferit – who clearly does love and care for her. But I digress. 

Essentially, this is how it plays out:

Selin: “Let me know in max 2 days if you want to be with me, k.”

Serkan: ...

Eda: Simply exists.

Serkan: Stares directly at Selin as he deliberately grasps Eda’s hand and holds on for dear life.

Now, they say actions speak louder than words... so how is Selin still not clear on the fact that Serkan not rushing to end her marriage means he’s not interested???

Anyhoo, Serkan and Eda spend most of the episode circling around the same.

Did you say yes to Selin?

What is your opinion on my situation with Selin?

Would you stay?

I can’t stay because… reasons

If either one of these to love-struck puppies took a second to reflect, they would realise that they actually have the answers already. Eda in fact, does consider for a minute that Serkan might actually have feelings for her. Serkan however, is convinced Eda cannot wait to get out of his life - which makes his bold move at the end of the episode a great moment for his own growth as a character. He was operating on his feelings and taking an emotional risk, having no idea how she actually felt. Yes, he had the note she left, but up until 20 minutes earlier, he was still fighting Engin on the notion that she could genuinely have feelings for him.

Speaking on Engin, writers, I have faith that we will see Engin mercilessly tease Serkan in the next episode about his heart eyes and his newfound familiarity with the language of love. This is likely going to bring great comedic gold. Its also not lost on me that Engin can so easily see the love between Serkan and Eda, but is totally clueless about his own romantic entanglements. To be honest, I’m not invested in this romance, so whomever he ends up with - or doesn’t - is fine by me.

Listen, I’m high key bursting at the fact that Eda and Serkan both already see the other in their bed(s). Them facing “each other” with longing was one of the smaller moments of the episode, but one of my favourites. And because this show is so good at parallels, I’m putting it out there that we will get a scene of them sharing a bed without Serkan needing to turn his back to her, but also without Serkan ruining the mood once daybreak arrives. Eda is a snuggler and she loves to sleep. I’m looking forward to bedroom shenanigans. Also, can Eda (and Engin) find the pictures of them he’s clearly carrying around in his wallet at this point? Please and thank you.

SIDE NOTE: according to Laila, Serkan has a conference in London “next week” which has been reserved for two people. Since I’m going out on a limb and saying Serkan won’t be travelling with Selin, will Eda accompany him to the UK? One can only hope for a honeymoon romantic getaway business trip.

Adore the “don’t leave” parallels that the show has been dropping like golden nuggets for the past few weeks. Serkan has spent multiple episodes in a struggle with himself. If Eda wants to leave, he insists its not his style to ask her to stay. But by episodes end he is so frenzied at the thought of his life without her, he’s ready and willing to say it m u l t i p l e times. We love a glow up.

Things I loved about this episode:

The handhold 5 seconds in & Eda’s impulsive kiss on his cheek.

The super cheesy let’s-randomly-turn-on-the-radio-and-awkwardly-listen-to-the-exact-song-describing-our entire-love-story. The way I was lapping it up with shovel. Also, Başak Gümülcinelioğlu’s (aka the actress playing Piril) song Sen Çal Kapımı is beautiful. All the fanvids, all the time please oh talented vidders.

Serkan’s meltdown at the office the minute he realised she’s about to leave. Hilarious. I truly enjoy seeing him a little off kilter and a lot out of control. Just looking at how his employees have relaxed since he’s been more relaxed - due to Eda’s influence - is a great subtle storytelling mechanism as well.

Immensely enjoyed Nurse Eda - especially her traditional approach to checking temperatures. LOL. Just a comment that despite Eda believing Serkan and Selin are most likely a thing, she refuses to leave his side in deference to Selin. I totally loved seeing her stake her claim. And judging by the never-you-mind, irritated way with which Serkan basically told Selin to move along, Serkan doesn’t want people around when he’s sick - but he certainly wants Eda.

Serkan going from unable to communicate to “you’re constantly in my head, in my every thought! You’ve taken over my brain! You’ve taken over my entire life!” #FlingsSelfIntoTheSun

THE KISS. Beautiful cinematography, beautiful direction, gorgeous cast, amazing script. Loved everything about it.

Things that broke/confused me

Serkan being a complete dolt and instead of enjoying the woman he loves cuddled up beside him, he takes the time to reiterate that he doesn’t remember their conversation from the night before. SMH. Eda was about to risk it all one last time, and Serkan’s poorly timed dose of realness is the final straw.

The tears in his eyes when she left the office. He was still fighting being vulnerable, even after Eda basically gave him the roadmap with an x for how to achieve success. Thankfully, by episodes end his own desperation at potentially losing her outweighed his “logic” and self preservation. Eda is teaching Serkan that its okay to need other people and that he doesn’t have to shoulder everything alone. #MyEndlessFloodOfTears

Aydan being unable to see how very much Serkan loves Eda and her - bordering on delusional at this point - push for Serkan to marry a woman who inspires no passion, no interest, no life, no spark in him! I understood it initially. But now it’s just comical. Seyfi is clearly team #Edser. I know the Bolat’s have a history of trauma. But pushing Serkan into a loveless marriage, while hurting Ferit and potentially Eda (and Serkan himself) seems absurd to me.

Ayfer’s reaction to the contract was OOT IMO. The show has been quite light handed with drama and this was the first time I thought the hysterics was over done. I understand that it was a shock, I understand that feelings of betrayal and hurt are natural. But a moment of reflection - as well as allowing Eda to explain - would have easily highlighted what Ayfer already knows - that there is a lot more happening between Eda and Serkan than a mere contract. Furthermore, this “Serkan Bolat is the devil incarnate here to take advantage of our poor Eda” is ridiculous. Serkan is a good person - logical and sometimes aloof - but he isn’t devious. If anything, Ayfer getting to know him during their terrarium creating afternoon left her with a good impression of who he is. So unless there are missing scenes somewhere, her suddenly being anti-Serkan feels like a necessity to serve the upcoming plot, as opposed to an organic happenstance. Not my favourite development. This includes her orchestrating Eda’s scholarship in Italy. Feels out of character. But let’s see how it all plays out.

Things I know is coming:

From the fragman, Serkan names a star or something after her #squee

Selin finally getting it

Aydan not getting it

Seyfi being over the moon - along with Melo no doubt

D R A M A about parents and death and cover-ups but I’m ignoring that for now

And most importantly:

Dating

Kissing

Hugging

Giggles

#FlingsSelfIntoTheEverLovingSun #NotPrepared

[popculturebuffet]

Animaniacs: King Yakko Review (Comission by BlahDiddy)

Hello my beautiful technicolor rainbow! It’s time for Animaniacs, and while there is no balonga in my slacks there is one last christmas review for my friend to finish up, and after two visits to Acme Lab for the spinoff we’re finishing up with a look at Animaniacs proper.  Suprisingly for a show that stands so easily on it’s own it’s existance is entirely thanks to another show: Tiny Toon Adventures, which had largely the same staff, including ep and co-creator stephen speilberg and Todd Ruegger, who was brought aboard from A Pup Named Scooby Doo. Since TIny Toon was a colossal hit with tons of awards and merch, including some very good video games I wish Warner would find a way to re-release, I mean.. come on if disney can rerelease the disney afternoon games (If...not..for..switch), and LIon King and Aladdin games (If somehow FOR switch), then Warner, which has it’s own game stuido no less, can put together a collection of the good Tiny Toons games when the new show comes out soon. 

Point is it was a mass sucess and Warner Bros likes money, so they had Speilberg try to get Rutger to come up with another show for the two of them to do, something with name value. Rutger found his inpsiration when seeing the iconic warner water tower and taking some platypus characters, came up with our heroes and the rest is history.. well okay he retooled them from plataups’ to early looney tunes and other toons style characters minus the racisim of say bosko the tall ink kid but still, the rest after that is history. And the rest of this review is after the cut

The show was, and KINDA still is, a variety show: taking a page from looney tunes, as well as tex avery’s other work, the crew decided rather than just focus on the warners, to instead create a whole cast with various ensembles to work with so we got Pinky and the Brain, The Goodfeathers, Rita and Runt,  the Hip HIppos, Katie Kaboom, Chicken Boo, and my personal faviorite Slappy Squirrel.. and the bane of my existance, Buttons and Mindy.. or rather Mindy’s Mom. The kid did nothing wrong.  So naturally the first thing Animaniacs related I cover.. is an episode entirely breaking from format for one 20 something minute Warners cartoon. I do intend to do more animanics stuff in the future, so i’ll hopefully get a chance to talk about everyone, I just feel unlike with say house of mouse most people reading this probably know who they all are, and I can save any deep dives for if I cover the characters specifically. Spoilers: there’s probably never going to be a buttons and mindy deep dive unless someone tourtues me by paying for it. 

So with that out of the way, we can dive into the episode.. which I won’t be covering in my usual recap it point by point because the writers have freely admitted that’s not what Animaniacs is about. While some of i’ts SEGMENTS are more story based like Pinky and the Brain, Goodfeathers and Rita and Runt, most are just based on simple set ups to reams and reams of gags. And I love it. I grew up with this stuff not just Tiny Tunes and Animaniacs but the classic Looney Tunes, Tom and Jerry and Droopy shorts. 

Their well timed, well executed feats of comedy and most have aged pretty well.. emphasis on MOST. I’m keenly aware why there are several gaps in the shorts for both Tom and Jerry and The Looney Tunes on HBO Max, including all of the Pepe LePew and Speedy Gonzalez shorts. Also all of Droopy is missing. 

My grumblin aside though, it is VERY NICE to have all the classic Warner and Tom and Jerry shorts at my fingertips and it was one of the biggest selling points of Max for me. Last year I gained an intrest in the old disney theatrical shorts, hence my various birthday specials, so I BADLY wanted to revisit the theatrical shorts I grew up with. And honestly.. Max is the best way to do that: their in crisp hd, in neat season collections (Though the Looney Tunes one is better sorted, tom and jerry’s seasons are just.. random smatterings of shorts across various eras), and most importantly EVERY SHORT they felt comfortable with putting up there is on there. Every. Single. One.  I make a big deal about this because Disney.. has only maybe 30-40 of their hundreds of shorts on there. Now lucky for me the vast majority are still on youtube and I get why some really arne’t suitable.. we probably don’t need the donald duck short where he prepares to shoot a penguin in the face or the Goofy short where his own reflection, the goofy equilvent of tyler durden I guess?, keeps saying “Hey Fat” to him. And yes BOTH of these actually happened. But.. there’s MANY shorts with no clear excuse why their absent like the triplets first apperance, gus’ only apperance, and one a friend told me about.. that time mickey built a robot to box a gorillia. Again not making this up, just wondering why you can’t restore the rest of these for plus. They’ve ADDED shorts ocasionally, but it still dosen’t make a whole lot of sense to just.. not have them all up there. and to not put them in some sorta collection for easier consumption but hey it’s Disney. They either full ass things or half ass it. There is no middle ground.  Point is Warner.. actually cares about their heritage in shorts and honors it and thus has everything avaliable in the best quality, so tha’ts nice.

My point after that detour is I really love this kind of humor, and now as an adult I can see the effort the timing, pacing and character chemistry these shorts had takes. And Rugger and co.. they got it. They got it down perfect. And this episode is a great show of that and just how they barely updated this format for the 90′s. But as I said it’s more about the jokes and basic setup, our heroes are slotted into x scenario and just left to run wild. It’s been the basic seutp for looney tunes, tom and jerry and all the gag based greats, and it works perfectly here. Sure there’s some setting and continuity with the warner lot, scratch n sniff, ralph, plotz and in the reboot Rita, but it’s mostly just our heroes go up against “X asshole” and it just works. 

And that’s.. entirley what this episode is. The short is an homage to the graucho marx film Duck Soup, which given the warners were based on the marx brothers that isn’t a huge suprise, a film like brian’s song I have not seen, but genuinely want to. The basic setup is the same: An underqualified womanizer, though since htis is Yakko it dosen’t get past hitting on his chancelor, played by hello nurse, constantly, which is still.. ewwwww... but clearly not the same thing, becomes king of a small nation and ends up at war with another country. There were spies and other stuff in the original short but that was left out to streamline things.  But this homage stands on it’s own fine: The basic plot is this: Yakko, due to being a distant relative and the last one alive, becomes king of the small happy and very musical, as the wonderful opening number shows, country of Anvilania, which makes anvils and why yes there is one MASSIVE anvil gag as a result at the end. Yakko says he’ll try his best and geninely tries to with the shenanigans you’d expect, including Dot not gettnig Polka Dot’s are a thing and instead taknig any mention of it as a sign to polka, Yakko again hitting on his colleague and wanting ot get a new anthem because the current one by “Perry Coma’ puts people to sleep. Honeslty that gag didn’t do it for me: Partly because I genuinely know next to nothing about Como and he’s far past my generation.. and because despite this, SCTV did a MUCH better Perry Como gag over a decade before this episode that while still left me baffled as to why anyone cared about mocking him, was 80 times funnier and felt far less like you needed to know who he was to be funny. 

That being said it’s one of only three running gags, and jokes period that didn’t land for me. The other ones being the hello nurse bits, because it’s aged really badly to have Yakko harass one of his employees and his age is hte only thing that keeps it from scuttling the episode as he’s just 13 or 14. Maybe 15. 

So SO glad I now have that on hand whenever i need it. The other being the “Your highness” joke as it just.. dosen’t make much sense and isn’t very funny. But that’s it: a refrence i specfically don’t get and I doubt most of you will, and if you do fine we all have our frames of refrences, a joke that’s dated very poorly, and one that just.. didn’t land. And even then the Perry Coma thing’s third use to knock out the opposing army DID work for me as did the VERY clever joke of “Sire” “Maybe later”, so even the weaker bits still had some legs.  But getting back to what little plot there is the king of the rival country, upon hearing this, assumes he can easily intimidate a child into giving him the throne and goes to a royal reception. Instead, as you’d expect, the Warners mistake him for a party clown, show him no respect and fail to take his delcration of war seriously, and while in a REALLY great gag, and the reason i’m not doing a strict summary is 90% of the review would be me saying something to that effect, Yakkos’ call to action for his troops ends up having them all run off in fear, the Warners take out the army as noted above and then in one of the most GLORIOUS climaxes in the series history...

 In which the Warners give the bad guy “all the anvils” as he requested. I sadly coulnd’t find a clip of it but seek it out if you got hulu, my words can’t do it justice as they hit him with anvil after anvil in increasingly clever and insane ways till the guy finally gives up and it .. is glorious.  Other highlights not already mentioned include: The opening song, the bad guy dictator from the other nation not being able to hear because of his helmet and his attendee having to lift it, leading to Yakko taking off his helmet just to end the “what’ running gag, Yakko’s bit explaning his distant relation and more.  So yeah not a ton to say on this one. It’s a very good, very funny episode but also very typical of a warner cartoon in structure, just stretched over 22 or so minutes. As I said with few exceptions the jokes work, the anmation is crisp as always, and the climax is one of the series best. A crisp, quick watch and a nice quick review after a week of with some really tough ones behind me and ahead of me and a month of rather large ones a few weeks out. So yeah if you like animaniacs, even ifyou’ve seen this one worth a watch, if you have any more animaniacs you’d like me to take a look at feel free to comment or comission and until the next rainbow..

[ourimpavidheroine]

You've given us your favorite records, so how about your favorite movies?

Okay, sure! Under a cut though, because it’s long.

In no particular order!

Strictly Ballroom (1992)

Oh my god, one of the funniest movies ever made. Every single thing about this movie makes me laugh out loud - in fact, I laughed so loud in the theater when I saw it the first time I’m surprised they didn’t kick my ass out. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched and re-watched it. My late wife and I used to quote this film back and forth to each other all the time. 

“Arms, Clary!”

“That was unexpected.”

“I’ve got my happy face on today!”

There’s a lovely little romance going on and a quote that I live by:

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

Thank you, Baz Luhrmann. 

Bringing Up Baby (1938)

Screwball comedy romance with Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn. Still funny, over 80 years later. Mistaken identities, a harrassed archeologist and a clueless rich girl, so on and so forth. If you watch it, you will see shades of Wu and Sayuri in Susan, for sure. (And some Zu in David.) The comedic timing of this movie is sheer and utter perfection. Not a single beat wasted. Brilliant, the entire thing.

Moonstruck (1987)

God, what isn’t there to love about this movie? CHER. A woman coming up on middle age who has settled into widowhood without a whimper decides to marry a man she’s fond of for no other reason than she thinks she should meets the fiance’s younger brother and her entire life goes, as her Italian Catholic mother says in the middle of church, “...down the toilet.” This movie was handled with so much love and care, it deserved its Oscars. If you’ve never seen it, you should.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

I saw this movie the one and only time I visited the States after I moved to Finland. I had left my wife here in Finland but had my 20 month old autistic twins along and my mother was being beyond horrible to me and I was exhausted and just wanted to go home. There was one afternoon where my favorite uncle came to me, gave me his car, and told me he was going to watch the kids and for me to go out and have a breather. I decided to see a movie - I can’t remember which one - but the paper had gotten the time wrong and it had already started by the time I got there. I asked the woman selling tickets what she recommended that was coming up and she very fervently told me to go and see this one.

Still one of the best movies I have ever seen. The acting is so subtle, so beautiful, and the scenery! The ending broke me, just shattered me into a million pieces. Years later, when my wife died, I knew exactly that feeling of desperately wanting to go back in time and somehow do it all right and all I can say is, both Michelle Yeoh and Zhang Ziyi get all of my love forever for doing it the way they did.

I bought it when it finally came out on DVD with English subtitles and I made my late wife watch it with me and she sobbed at the end and told me I was cruel for making her watch it. (Guess what, babe? You were crueler for making me live it.)

The Handmaiden (2016)

Normally I am not all that keen on books being made into movies. I fucking loved Sarah Waters’ Fingersmith and wasn’t sure about it being taken out of its Victorian England setting into 1930′s Korea but oh my god I have never been happier to have been proved wrong in my life. THIS FILM. Listen, it is one of those rare times when a book and an adaptation can stand next to each other, equally as good, equally as strong, despite the differences. There is so much to unpack about women’s experiences with sex and how that compares to how men dictate those experiences to them and the movie never drops the ball with this. Frankly, I had seen Oldboy and Snowpiercer (among others) and I really did not think Park Chan-wook had it in him and shame on me for that.

Warning: this movie is HOT.

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

This is a damn good movie. Charlize Theron elevates anything she is in, and as Furiosa - dirty, grim, disabled, clinging on to tattered hope with desperation - she just takes this film to another level. Plenty of other good performances - including Tom Hardy, who’s never afraid to drop himself into a role - and some frankly astonishing editing work by Margaret Sixel as well as a male director who understands, deeply, how to film women without subjecting them to the male gaze. This is not a schlock film, despite the franchise it belongs in. It’s good.

I saw this film the night before my wife died; the last time I spoke to her on the phone I told her that I’d take her with me to see it again, I knew she’d like it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to separate this film from that loss, but that’s how it goes sometimes. Still wish you could have seen it, babe. You would have loved it.

The Great Race (1965)

Is this a great movie? Not critically speaking, although Jack Lemmon is brilliant, as he almost always is. Rather, it was a movie my father and I loved together, and I have so many good memories of watching it with him whenever it would play on TV (these were the years before VHS even, never mind Netflix) and eating popcorn and laughing together.

We loved the huge pie fight scene so much that on my 16th birthday my father bought 3 dozen store bought pies, defrosted them and/or baked them (with the help of our neighbor, who was in on the secret) and he woke me up that morning, told me to get dressed and come outside, and he got me with a pie to the face right as I walked out the door and the two of us chased each other, throwing and dodging pies, making an unholy mess, slipping and sliding all over our deck and driveway, stumbling and laughing hysterically.

It is one of the best memories in my life. How many other girls can say their fathers gave them a pie fight for their sweet sixteen? This movie makes me laugh and, more importantly, remember my father with so much love.

The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

I did love all three of these films. Were they perfect? No. (I am still salty about Faramir’s entire movie arc and the fact that Merry was just Pippin 2.0 instead of the distinct character he was in the books.) But they were made with so much love and heart by people who loved and cared deeply for the source material. And they were astonishing in scope as well. Just glorious to see in the theater.

I first read those books when my father lent me his copies when I was eight and they were a vital part of my growing up; to see Peter Jackson and his entire cast and crew love them as much as I did was genuinely special for me.

The other two films are just as good with some astonishing moments (Billy Boy’s last minute song in The Return of the King still gives me goosebumps) but this was the first one, and just remembering holding my wife’s hand as we both gasped together over the scope of it was a memory I will keep with me always.

When my wife and I went to see this one here in Finland I was pregnant with my twins and I was like, oh my god, please die already Boromir because were twins on my bladder and I knew if I didn’t get to a toilet soon it was going to be all over. (It was a long movie without a pee break for a pregnant person, let me just say.) I was never happier for a tragic end to a movie in my life, LOL.

The Matrix (1999)

Dude. Dude. Just the concept of this movie. The Wachowski sisters have never limited themselves and that’s what makes them so different and so exciting. One of the greats of Sci Fi and, as far as I am concerned, one of the greats bar none. Yeah sure, I know it isn’t a critical darling but lord, I am not a film critic, just someone who loves movies. And I love this one. 

(And excuse you, Elon and the rest of you alt-right men’s groups, you dicks, for appropriating the whole blue/red pill thing: it’s a concept from two trans sisters, so fuck right off with that.)

My best friend, who saw it with me the first time (I took my late wife to see it later in the year when she arrived in the States) laughed at the whole little kid with spoon scene. That’s like listening to you, she said. I never know what is going to come out of your mouth or whether I’ll understand it in the moment but it will eventually make sense to me. Which pretty well sums me up, I think. And this movie as well.

The Piano (1993)

There is a moment, in this gorgeous, deeply beautiful, aching film, where Harvey Keitel fingers a small hole in Holly Hunter’s stocking and it is the most erotic heterosexual thing I have ever seen. Trust a woman director to understand why women would love this. There’s Harvey Keitel’s character: older, soft around the middle, barely literate, covered with traditional facial tattoos. He’s nobody’s idea of hot. But he understands what this woman in particular needs, understands what she is telling him without words, and that’s what he gives her and it is erotic beyond measure. It’s not about what he looks like; it’s about how he understands her.

Holly Hunter does this movie without speaking a single word or getting any subtitles and short of a few brief translations by Anna Paquin playing her young daughter still manages to express herself. It’s brilliant acting. (And look, I know - today we’d look for an actress who was mute to play the role, and rightfully so. It still doesn’t take away from Hunter’s performance.)

Ada drowned in the original script but Jane Campion changed it at the last minute when filming and it was the right choice. The absolute right choice. Ada deserves her freedom and her chance to pursue her own happiness.

[sebastbu]

My Top 40 Movies of the Decade

***just my opinion***this list is not set in stone either***

1. 12 Years A Slave (2013)

What Steve McQueen has managed to do with this movie in nothing short of the best thing art is capable of. He takes the horror of humanity and turns it into a heart shattering tale of the best of humanity. A film that could have sunk easily among the brutality it contains, instead soars with Solomon’s survival. It is one of the most life-affirming, uplifting works of art I’ve ever seen. It makes you cry, it makes you shout, it makes you cheer, it makes you breathless. In short, all the things movies are best at. Not just a definitive movie, but a definitive work of art.

2. The Act of Killing (2012)

This has my vote for the best documentary film of all time. What begins as a transfixing profile of the mass murders responsible for the 1965 Indonesian genocide quickly transforms into a Brechtian nightmare as director Joshua Oppenheimer somehow convinces these men to stage scenes for a fake movie reenacting their crimes. As the film progresses you can hardly believe what you’re witnessing. Horrifying, yet you can’t look away. Oppenheimer holds your attention for every second. What’s captured for film here is truly unique, ground-breaking, soul shaking. A statement about the banality of evil as profound as Ardent’s essays. 

3. The Tree of Life (2011)

Malick has reached his final form here. An organic art form, pure cinema, visual poetry, whatever you want to call it. Nothing but a movie could be this. The images he crafts here are as close to a religious experience as I’ve ever had watching a movie, and probably ever will. In exploring childhood memories, Malick’s style perfectly matches his subject manner. He use of ellipsis and fluidity mirrors the way memories flash through our heads. It is as if we are witnessing memory directly, unfiltered. This movie will move you in ways you didn’t know a movie could. 

4. The Social Network (2010)

That Facebook movie? Hell yeah that facebook movie. What Fincher and Sorkin have managed to do is take what could be a standard biopic, or dull tech movie, and made it into an epic tale of betrayal, greed, friendship, coming of age, and identity. Ross and Reznor’s score pulses, as does the dialogue. This movie starts the instant you press play and it doesn’t let you catch your breath for one second until the very end. Endlessly quotable, perfected acted. A masterclass.

5. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

What can I say about this movie? Every shot is perfect. Every joke, beat, pan, zoom. Well, I guess I’ll say this. This movie disarms with its charm, its facade. But at its heart is a wrenching tale of loss, nostalgia, and the fleeting nature of everything, especially those we love. A jewel of a film. Anderson makes sure you’re cozy and then pulls the rug out from under you, and suddenly you’re crying. 

6. The Master (2012)

Career best performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Lushly shot. Greenwood delivers another ground breaking score. PTA has made an aimless film about aimless characters that nevertheless is riveting. At the end, you may not know exactly how far you’ve progressed, but you’re sure glad you went on the journey. 

7. Drive (2011)

This is not an action movie. It’s a love story. The now famous dream pop soundtrack. Ryan Gosling doing so much with so little. Refn’s breathtaking cinematography. Diluted dreams. Crushed hopes. Silent gazes, filled with more emotion than dialogue could ever render.

8. The Revenant (2015)

An achievement of pure cinematic insanity. I still have no idea how they got some of these shots. A brutal, thrilling story of survival among nature’s cruelty. Inarritu’s camera is like magic in this film, uncovering the previously thought not possible. 

9. La La Land (2016)

A reinvention of a genre that somehow manages to have its cake and eat it too: a nostalgia trip that also subverts expectations. Right up there next to Singin’ in the Rain, in my book at least. How on earth was that only Chazelle’s second ever movie? 

10. The Lighthouse (2019)

TELL ME YE FOND O ME LOBSTER! WHYD YA SPILL YOUR BEANS? IF I HAD A STEAK ID FUCK IT. That about sums it up.

11. Parasite (2019)

Bong Joon Ho has made a beautifully twisted psychological thriller that is also hilarious, touching, and a lasting commentary on class and social mobility. 

12. The Florida Project (2017)

Baker’s approach of setting this story from the viewpoint of children makes it a glorious romp through a world of innocence as well as tragedy, and also makes it all the more emotionally impactful.

13. Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

It’s all about the cat. Alongside the Coen’s mastery of dialogue and the side character, as well as the beautiful folk music, this film acts as a deeply moving portrayal of depression, and how sometimes we are our own worst enemy. 

14. Moonlight (2016)

Expertly crafted. Expertly acted. Expertly shot. A gorgeously rendered coming of age story. I’m not really the person who should speak of its importance. I’ll just say: it is. Very. A movie that will stun you. 

15. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Practical! Effects! Yeah, that really is Tom Hardy swinging fifty feet off the ground on a pole as explosions go off behind him. A feminist, post-apocalypse, road trip movie brought to you by the director of Happy Feet and Babe 2. What more could you want?

16. Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

A wonderful celebration of childhood and of fantasy. Anderson crafts a world you want to return to again and again. Anyone else get jump scared when they realized Lucas Hedges was in this??? 

17. Arrival (2016)

I love Denis Villeneuve’s films for so many reasons. The most important I think is that he balances entertainment and artistic depth so well. Like all great scifi Arrival is not really about aliens, it’s about us. 

18. Inception (2010)

A film that runs on all cyclinders. Smart, funny, jaw dropping, just plain fun. Nolan manages to build some surprisingly moving moments as well. 

19. Gone Girl (2014)

Ah Fincher and his twists. Rosemund Pike at the top of her game. Ross and Reznor return with another gripping score. Around the narrative, Fincher creates a fascinating portrayal of the media and marriage, one with endless twists and turns. You never quite know where it’s headed.

20. Sicario (2015)

A second thing I love about Dennis Villeneuve: he does point of view characters better than anyone else. 

21. Enemy (2014)

A third thing I love about Dennis Villeneuve: he plays with genre and narrative structure unlike anyone else working right now.

22. Incendies (2010)

A fourth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: he’s given us some of the best female lead characters this decade.

23. Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

A fifth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: he somehow managed make a Blade Runner sequel work. Here’s hoping for Dune. 

24. The Look of Silence (2014)

The companion film of The Act of Killing. Oppenheimer does it again, this time focusing more on the victims of the genocide. Groundbreaking cinema.

25. Shame (2011)

Slow clap for Michael Fassbender. Slow clap for Carey Mulligan. Slow clap for Steven Mcqueen.

26. Hereditary (2018)

Using horror to examine mental illness and family trauma. Aster has made a new classic of genre, taking it to new heights.

27. Under The Skin (2014)

How to make a movie about an alien descended onto earth in order to capture men and engulf them in her weird black room of goo? Make a very alienation movie. Chilling. Otherworldly. Haunting. 

28. Son of Saul (2015)

In making any holocaust film there’s always the risk of feeling exploitative. Nemes’s radical camera work, focusing almost entirely on the main character’s face in close up leaves this concern in the dust. The horrors enter only at the corners of the frame, while humanity is firmly centered the whole time. An important film everyone should see. 

29. Whiplash (2014)

As visceral and heart pounding as the solos performed, the film as a whole is a perfectly made portrait of a obsession. 

30. Amour (2012)

Haneke takes his unforgiving approach and lays bare a topic with incredible emotional depth. The result is deeply moving without ever being sentimental. I’m hard pressed to find another film about old age that is this poignant. 

31. Birdman (2014)

A whirlwind of a film. A high wire act. The long takes turn it into something more akin to a play. A pretty damn good one at that. 

32. Once Upon A Time In Anatolia (2011)

What’s Chekhov doing in the 21st Century? He’s in Turkey. He name is Nuri Ceylan. 

33. The Favourite (2018)

Lanthimos turns down his style and turns up his humor. The result is the best of both worlds: a dark, twisted tale of power and a hilarious parody of monarchy and British costume drama. 

34. Phantom Thread (2018)

PTA delivers again. What could easily have been another tired tale of the obsessive artist and the woman behind him is instead a fairy tale-ish ensnaring of two people’s ineffable pull towards each other. 

35. A Hidden Life (2019)

Still fresh in my mind. Malick’s late style is given the backbone it needed in the form of a relevant tale of resistance and struggle. A meditative, prayer-like film about the power of belief. 

36. Prisoners (2013)

A sixth thing I love about Denis Villeneuve: his movies have layers, but only if you look. Otherwise, the ride is pretty great as well. 

37. Manchester By The Sea (2016)

A masterclass in doing less with more. 

38. Foxcatcher (2014)

Bennett Miller does biopics unlike anyone else. That is to say, maybe better than anyone else working today. 

39. The Witch (2015)

Eggers’s first foray into historical New England horror. A chilling commentary on the evils of puritanism.

40. The Kid With A Bike (2011)

The Dardenne brothers managed to make a gut-wrenching tale of childhood, masculinity, abandonment, the power of empathy, belonging, and redemption in 84 minutes. Here’s a suggestion. Watch this movie. Then watch it again. A better use of the same amount of time it takes to sit through The Irishman. Oh wait, no you still have 30 minutes left over. 

[twaaaaaa]

Race report: Ironman 70.3 Augusta

This is the first race report I've written for a U.S.-based race since college. And like a true American, I'm going to do it using bullet points. (Get it? Because we have an uncontrollable gun violence problem here?)

Also, I apologize for the lack of pictures here. Tumblr doesn’t play nice with photos in the middle of text, and figuring out the HTML for it is too close to my real job to be enjoyable.

PART 1: THE LEAD-UP

This was the first race I've done in more than two-and-a-half years. I took a hiatus because of burnout and an international move, spent 2018 building up a base and really started training again this year.

Going into it, I felt I was adequately trained on the bike. I hadn't done enough long runs, but that was balanced out by the amazing speedwork I've put in. Shoutout to Gerald and the Tuesday morning track crew.

My swim is also at the best it's ever been, though that's not saying much.

The race was in Augusta, Georgia. I have a bit of a shameful history with it – I registered for it in college in 2011. And then midterms happened, so I couldn't make it. To date it's my only DNS. Consider this time grade forgiveness.

I flew out with a bunch of teammates from Triple Threat. It's such a delight to race with a supportive team like this. Many of them were doing their first half-Ironman. They're so cute when they're new.

I got into the rental car with my teammate, Ann, and it took five minutes before I hit the first complication for the weekend. As soon as the speedometer hit 65 mph, WHAPWHAPWHAPWHAPWHAP. Something on the front of the car was rattling. So we turned around and swapped it for a free upgrade to an SUV. Later, my coach would complain the same rental company was out of cars, and I'm partially to blame. Sorry, coach.

Most people paid $350 a night or so to stay at the host hotel. Screw that – do you know how much ice cream $350 can buy? The value inn a half-mile away had a soft bed, a warm shower and a stale continental breakfast. That's more how I roll.

Turns out the cheap hotel was ideally situated – two blocks away from the starting line, damn close to the transition check-in and right at the edge of the downtown area. No regrets.

Augusta is … not the most august location. It has a stench to it. From the river, I learned – the same river we were to start the day swimming in. Greeeeeat.

But at least it wasn't Waco.

We crowded into the Mellow Mushroom for dinner to give the newbies last-minute advice and reassurance. My advice in summary: it was going to be freaking hot, relax on the down-river swim and do a cannonball when you jump off the dock to start.

I found a Publix the day before the race! You have to understand what this means to a Floridian trapped in Texas. Texan friends, it's like finding a Whataburger and a Buc-ees next to each other in the middle of nowhere. Canadian friends, same but for Tim Horton's. UAE friends, imagine if a small town was entirely made out of malls. It just felt right.

I got my chicken tender PubSub and my guava pastries for maximum homeopathy to Florida Man. You could hear Jimmy Buffet playing in the background. Pitbull yodeled. The alligators lurking in the Savannah lifted their heads in praise. God shrugged and turned a blind eye. It was glorious.

At some point I bought a badass helmet with a visor that made me look like Judge Dredd. It was good for 15 minutes of confidence before Devon, who tests these things in a wind tunnel shamed me for it.

The morning of, we trudged down to transition for final prep and then made out way 1.2 miles upstream for the start. Three school buses were working as shuttles, but the line for them stretched almost as long as we'd have to walk.

Here's the nice thing about having a hotel next to the race start: instead of standing in line for the portable toilets before the start, you get to bask in the air conditioning and proper ventilation of your hotel room. Makes quite the difference.

This was my first time racing long-distance in a two-piece kit. I didn't realize you need to apply sunscreen to the small of your back, where the top rides up on the bike. This would later result in a sunburn tramp stamp.

PART 2: THE SWIM

The pros started off at 7:30 a.m., and us age groupers had to wait until 7:50 to start. Except it was a rolling start, with two people going off every three seconds. It took 90 minutes to get everyone in, as the sun rose ever higher.

I made friends with a guy in my age group while waiting in line (thanks to a fast seed time, we only ended up standing around for 35 minutes). His name was Houston, he told me, and he had roots around Delaware, Ohio. Sounded to me like he couldn't decide on a state. I declared I lived in Dallas and that made us rivals.

Oh buddy, you better believe I did a cannonball.

Augusta is a down-river swim. It ranges from easy to easiest, depending on the current. There are videos of them floating a coke bottle or bag of chips down the river and making the cutoff time. This year the current wasn't too swift, but a personal record was still a foregone conclusion.

I became best friends with some river weeds. Best friends hug each other and stick together, right?

I did not have to punch or shove anyone out of the way, thankfully. Guess all the breast strokers started behind me.

I popped out of the water in 33:49. That's a PR for me, but only enough to hit 67/135 in my age group. I aim for top 50% in the swim, so that was just baaaaarely acceptable.

3:55 T1, because I took some time to towel the grass off my feet before donning socks. This was not the most luxurious transition location.

PART 3: THE BIKE

My choice of a disc wheel and 50mm front was a good decision for the day. It wasn't too windy and the road conditions, while not amazing, were not enough to give me trouble. The 56-mile course starts off flat for 17 miles or so, then has a few hills, then goes back to mostly flat for the last 15.

Ten miles in or so I see a yellow jersey up ahead. Is that … yup, it's Houston. I ding my bell and whoop as I pass him.

Five miles later, I get passed by a dude in a yellow jersey. He waves back at me and compliments my helmet (yessss). We would continue to pass each other every few miles for the remainder of the ride. “Tag, you're it.”

Aid stations on the bike are chaotic. I've found the best way to let the volunteers know what you need is to roar it. It may scare the bejesus out of a middle schooler when some dude rides by on a spaceship-looking bike, points at her and screams “BANANA! BANANA!”, but that's part of the fun. Whatever gets me my potassium.

Nutrition-wise, I nailed it. The usual strategy of super-concentrating my electrolytes in one bottle and picking up water at each aid station worked perfectly. I head enough caffeinated gels to keep my energy going, and while I came close to cramping near the end of the run I never did.

I keep a bell on my aerobars, mostly because I don't want to waste the breath to yell “on your left” each time I pass someone. Because I'm a slow swimmer but a fast cyclist, and I pass a LOT of people.

You know what the bell is also useful for? Cheering a teammate on the other side of the road while your mouth is full of banana. You go, Jeff.

Years ago, star USF time trialist and all-around hammerhead borrowed my disc wheel and put an 11-23 cassette on it. I've never taken it off. You know what that cassette is good for? Flat land. You know what awaited me in the middle of the course? Not flat land.

In races, they say you only have so many “matches” to burn before your legs tire out on you. Most people burn their matches pushing up a steep hill or going fast near the end of the run. Me? I burn them to see if I can hit 40 mph going downhill. While screaming at the top of my lungs. I may not have the best time, but I'll be damned if I'm not having the most fun.

(Garmin reports my max speed was 40.1 mph. Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh.)

I RODE PAST A DUDE WITH A GOAT ON A LEASH.

Despite the hills, I managed to keep a steady heart rate for most of the bike course. Don't know about my power output because my P1 pedals have refused to play nicely for a while. I can finally send them in now that it's the offseason.

I'm happy to say I passed Houston a mile before the end of the bike. But I stopped for the bathroom in transition, so he still beat me to the run.

If there's no volunteer to jump out of the way of your flawless flying dismount, did it even happen? Conversely, if there's nobody around when you jump onto gravel in your socks, did you even scream?

Total bike time was 2:56:25, with a more than 19 mph average page. 57/135 for my age group – that's behind the upper-third that I aim for. I still have a ways to go to regain my bike strength.

PART 4: THE RUN. ALLEGEDLY.

By the time we got to the run, the sun was high in the sky and the ambient temperature was 95. With the humidity, it felt close to 99. A course record by a generous margin. Crap.

I caught Houston within the first mile, and for a while there were four of us 25-29 men within 15 seconds of each other. Every peer I passed got a fist-bump.

We had a nice chat for the next few miles as we admired the beautiful downtown course. It's a zig-zag through the street, with spectators lining the sidewalks. Many of them had water guns, hoses or sprinklers, and I love everyone who cooled us for a few precious seconds.

The very best, though, was the homeowner with a giant inflatable unicorn spouting water from its horn.

I was holding a steady heart rate and pace for the first four miles, but the heat got to me as it got to everyone. Houston dropped me at an aid station and went on to beat me by 20 minutes.

From then it was all about heat management. How much could I push myself before overheating and being forced to slow down? How much cold water could I take in? Was I balancing the right amount of liquid and electrolytes?

I began walking in the shade of every building and running to get to the next patch of shade faster. It served me decently for the rest of the race.

I came up on a cute girl around my age (they write it on your calf) and had fantasies of using a pickup line on her as I passed her. “Excuse me, can you remember this number for me? 727-555-1234.” Thank God I didn't, because a mile later she caught a second wind and dusted me. How humiliating would that have been?

After an hour or so I began to get some underarm chafing. I asked for a bit of sunscreen at an aid station and slapped it on. That hurt. Then the volunteer saw what I was doing: “You know we have Vaseline too, right?” Oh well, too late.

Speaking of which, the second-best sign on the course was “chafing the dream.”

The very best one, though, was a drawing of Marvel's Iron Man next to the words “MAKE STAN LEE PROUD.” At that point I was so worn down that I teared up a bit. And then I picked up my legs and ran for as long as my body would let me.

What stage of heat stroke is it when your body has no idea whether it's cold or hot anymore so it just tells you it's both? Because I had that starting around mile 8. Maintaining homeostasis is not one of my strong suits.

Three times I called out to the onlookers, “Hey man, can I pet your dog?” Three times I was denied. Augusta can burn in hell.

At some point around mile 10 (of 13) I did the math and realized I could still hit a sub-6-hour time if I pushed it. So began a frantic but calculated series of runs and walks.

Thank goodness I was in one of the run stages as I passed my coach and relay teammates on the sidelines. They got a decent picture of me – I'm only panting a little bit.

I made across the line with two minutes to spare. Then I grabbed a water and laid down under the pizza table with two other dudes. For 45 minutes. Good race.

Total run time was 2:20:39, and frankly I'm surprised it was that short. 53/135, which surprisingly was again better than my bike performance, comparatively. I blame my running coaches.

Total race time was 5:58:05. 53/135, which again isn't where I usually shoot for. But I knew I wouldn't hit the top third going into the race.

Total calorie burn for the day, according to Garmin: 5,200.

The overall goal of this race wasn't a time, but nor was it just a finish. It was to have my body do what I told it to – or at least what I could negotiate with it – without cramping, collapsing or bonking. And I did. I have my mojo back. The heat collapsed everyone's plan A, but I was able to pull off plan B without much of a struggle. I could not have done that a year ago.

Unfortunately, the deal with myself was that if I pulled this race off I'd sign up for another Ironman in fall 2020. So it's either Cozumel or Argentina for me next year. I'm going to try to enjoy my social life while I still can.

PART 5: THE AFTERMATH

I ran into Houston a bit past the pizza table and collapsed into the chair next to him. His mom and sister were there to cheer him in his first half-Iron race. He snuck the pizza and beer. Hooray for supportive families.

After collecting some teammates and nursing a pizza slice for an hour, I made my way to the rest of the team to yell at passers-by. And someone finally let me pet her dog. She was from Dallas – go figure.

The walk from my hotel to downtown takes ten minutes. The post-race walk from downtown to my hotel takes 30. The difference is staggering.

I came back to my second batch of car trouble: someone had backed my rental in the parking lot. No note or anything – just a bunch of scrapes and misaligned panels.

I talked to the hotel manager, who earned a great Booking.com review into pulling the security footage. We watched as a family three doors down from me backed their car straight into mine, got out, saw no witnesses and sped off. Thank God for my credit card's insurance coverage.

The geniuses were staying through the end of the week – the hotel had their driver's license and video evidence of them leaving the scene of an accident. Easiest police report the cop had ever filed.

As I was packing up the next morning, and after the policeman had talked to her, the woman approached me apologizing. I shrugged and wished her best of luck against the insurance and rental car companies. If I have to deal with this load of paperwork, so does she.

In the day after the race, I polished off three meals' worth of leftovers – including two different pizzas. Between those, the finish-line pizza and the week of carb-loading, I never wanted to eat another slice in my life.

That resolve didn't even last three days.

I bonded with a fellow athlete seated behind me on the plane ride back. Turns out his carry-on was not a suitcase, but a reusable bag of fresh vegetables and a half-eaten box of Life cereal. The absolute legend.

I learned later that day that over the weekend my Abu Dhabi friend Leanne had taken fourth place in Ironman Cozumel that same weekend in her debut as a pro. But I didn’t pee myself on the bike, so who really came out ahead there?

So now I'm in the off season. It's nice to get eight hours of sleep most nights. I'll be tweaking my workout schedule to build a base over the fall and winter, and then it's back to training. I'm looking at one or two half-Irons and a full next year, plus whatever local sprints and olympics bubble up.

When I came back to the US two years ago, I left important parts of my identity behind. Bunches of friends, a journalism career, my expat status. And triathlons were placed on hold. This past season has made me feel more like myself again, and it's a comforting feeling after so much doubt and uncertainty. It's good to be in love with the sport again after a few years of burnout.

The hardest part of the next year will be persuading my mom not to disown me if I get an Ironman tattoo after next fall. Wish me luck.

[lightsandlostbells]

Druck episode 3 reaction

thirteen minutes is UNACCEPTABLE

Episode 3

Clip 1 - Returning home

I love the look of the show. That shot of them coming up from what I assume is a train station is so simple but effective, with the group breaking into two and Hanna and Jonas being left on their own to work through what happened on the trip. Us having some distance from the situation, being able to see Hanna turn away first away from Jonas.

I think the cinematography is adding a lot to my enjoyment of Druck. I just find it so calming and gently pretty, and the lighting is bright and there’s plenty of soft colors. 

Matteo and Carlos left together, which might not mean anything except they’re going the same way, or maybe they’re legit friends, or maybe Matteo doesn’t really like him but he puts up with him because they have Jonas in common or because Carlos is their weed hookup. 

Jonas saying that it’s just been the two of them (Jonas and Hanna) together lately. Interesting, implies that it’s not so much Hanna-Jonas-Matteo as we might have guessed. Or just that he’s feeling stifled by being around his girlfriend so much. Orrrrr that he has a secret that he wants to keep from her and it’s hard when she’s nearby? 

Man I really really am wondering if the changes in these character dynamics are going to build up to something, I really hope!

This Jonas is earnest as hell and it’s going to suck if he has some big horrible secret. He’s my favorite of the remake Jonases so far; he’s flawed but he seems vulnerable and he’s got great chemistry with both Hanna and Matteo. We haven’t seen him at his worst yet, it should be said.

I legit laughed out loud at Hanna’s texting of Mia, especially Mia’s text bubble disappearing. I mean, that wasn’t a bad joke on Hanna’s part, except you usually don’t talk about STDs with people you just met.

I mentioned in some other posts that I find the credits/title cards on each clip of Druck and Skam France distracting, but I like that Druck has been putting things like casual banter and (as in this clip) Hanna’s heavy sighing over them. They can easily be cut from the scene when the whole episode is put together, but it keeps the atmosphere going a little longer and adds some small details of characterization or mood. I prefer it to having music always close the scene and play over the credits.

Clip 2 - Hero Party meeting

THEY CHANGED SHIT, YES

Awww, Kiki turns out to be cute! She turned it around fast. Also props to her for acknowledging that it was sweet of Hanna to try to find her a Sam. And she clearly did not make the decision to not be on the organizing committee on her own, and Sam knows she’s fibbing.

An explanation for the hero party! So from what I can tell from German viewers, this isn’t a usual German tradition or anything, it’s specifically for the show? IDK how realistic it is but making it a tradition specific to this school makes it a little less contrived. I don’t really get how throwing an amazing party for the graduating class will make the party for this class even better, since it’ll be a whole new class throwing the party for them, unless it’s in the sense of “we raised the quality level so far that they’re going to have to try to top us.”

This isn’t a bad way to adapt russ. I’ve been waiting for a version where the five girls all got assigned together on some project/event rather than coming together voluntarily. Plus Hanna met all the girls separately prior to this meeting, so there’s an established connection between her and all the girls.

Nice way to show Hanna being a follower with her just joining Kiki/Sam at this meeting and raising her hand after everyone else does. She does feel a very insecure version of this character.

This setup makes Leonie directly reject Hanna, Kiki, and Sam based on prior beefs, and her shunning Amira to the end is not a great look. IDK what she has against Mia except she’s a new girl who had the audacity not to know what the party was, so I guess that’s enough? They really are Los Losers.

Let’s talk about what a glorious nickname Blondus Maximus is and how there was a missed opportunity to call the Penetrator Chris character some variant of that (Brunettus Maximus?) Max can be a girl’s name too! Not sure how popular it is in Germany, though.

Shout-out to Amira’s brothers! 

They also did something that I hoped they would do, instead of explaining Alexander to Hanna, they explained to Mia, who is the new girl, which makes sense. And we got her initial reaction to him.

German William/Alexander looks old as hell, even older than French William/Charles, lmao. No disrespect to the actor, I’m just not sure why the remakes are casting older-looking dudes in this role. Like Charles looks older than a teenager but almost everyone on Skam France does. Druck’s characters look like teenagers for the most part, so IDK why the William character has to be the one who looks like a teacher. Thomas Hayes was the right age. 

I’m laughing at his socks. And him getting out of his car just isn’t the same without being flanked by several nameless members of his posse.

Some of the slow-motion effect is kinda strange and doesn’t look right. I noticed it in the first clip with Leonie’s walk, too.

I really liked Kiki after being somewhat underwhelmed by her first appearance (the same with Daphne, tbh). Sam and Amira remain great. Mia is the only one I’m not 100% sold on, though I think she could turn out OK.

Clip 3 - Mia and Hanna in Spanish class

OK I was wayyyy too excited that Mia mentioned her roommate using her IG to stalk guys. GERMAN ESKILD WHERE ARE YOU.

I did find it kind of weird why were they weren’t sitting together in the first place, because they walked into the room together and if Mia can just get up and move it’s not like they have assigned seats.

I felt kinda bad for the teacher in this one even if she shouldn’t be making mistakes. Her wardrobe looks like that of every enthused language teacher I’ve ever had.

Ahhh, still not sure how I feel about Mia so far? She’s cute but seems kinda stilted, and she looks a little older than the other girls (she’s 21 IRL). I do think she was better in this clip than in prior ones. Her character was more polite to the guy who’s talking to her than Noora or Manon was. She’s so far a far sweeter version of the character.

Also this clip amped up the Mia/Hanna. Mia was very, very eager to talk to Hanna at the start.

Clip 4 - Friend

You know what? I’m kinda with Jonas on this one. Why should you actually treat a bunch of assholes that you don’t like? Like this dude who apparently puts Nazi symbols on a teacher’s car? Fuck that guy, I wouldn’t throw him a party.

Obviously I don’t think he should make fun of Hanna wanting to participate, and Hanna is right, not all grade 12 students are going to be assholes. But Jonas’ reaction at least makes sense, rather than being like “this is wrong because I hate capitalism and this ties in for some reason.” (To be fair, Jonas’ opening monologue isn’t about capitalism this time around. He does mention Nazis in it, though!)

“Netflix and chili con carne” is the German version of Fresh Prince and nachos, eh?

Awww, Hanna made a friend! This Jonas seems very happy that Hanna made a friend, too.

General Comments:

Thirteen minutes?? THIRTEEN MINUTES??

no i’m not bitter

I cannot believe they teased that Hanna/Mia hangout and didn’t deliver. We didn’t even get any IG posts from whatever they were doing.

ok yeah i’m a little bitter. a smidge

Is it normal to be back at school the week following Easter? They weren’t there on Monday but I’ve seen people say they should be off the full week, I think?

Kinda wish we were going full on with the Hanna and Amira friendship but I can see how that scene was mostly there to establish her as a character through Hanna before the Hero Party, and I guess it’s possible that they will bond as a duo at some point. Maybe. I’m not thinking this is gonna be a total overhaul of S1.

Jonas and Hanna being all “it’s about being friends AND being in love” in the texts - goddamn they’re so sweet.

Also from the texts, it sounds like German Eskild is into bears. Man bears, to be clear.

This week’s episode better be at least 20 minutes, you can’t do me like that, Germany. I actually like your take on Norwegian teenagers.

[topicstowriteanessyo2]

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[pogueman]

Rejoice: Sonos Speakers are finally voice-controllable

If you’re among the millions who own Sonos speakers, then you don’t need a paragraph explaining how great they are (the speakers, not the owners).

A Sonos is an internet-connected speaker. It can deliver music from 50 music sources (Spotify, Pandora, Amazon, Apple, Google, etc.)—and you control it from an app on your phone or computer.

These speakers sound amazing for their size and cost. They’re entirely wireless, and they’re easy to name and group—Kitchen, Living Room, etc. In other words, they let you create a whole-home audio system for a fraction of what a professional installation would cost.

The older Sonos Play:One (left) and the new Sonos Play are suddenly voice-controllable.

Well, fine—until the Amazon Echo came out. The Echo sounds flat and tinny compared to a Sonos speaker, but it overtook Sonos in sales last year (5 million sold vs. 4 million) for one key reason: The Echo lets you ask for music by voice. “Alexa: Play ‘The White Album.’” “Alexa, play some cooking music.” “Alexa—play ‘Mr. Blue Sky.’”

This is what’s known as a killer app, people. It feels like “Star Trek,” like “The Jetsons,” like magic. You come home, you throw your keys in the bowl, you say, “Play some classical music,” and there it is.

But over on Planet Sonos, people still had to haul out their phones to start music, stop music, change tracks, or change the volume. I realize how first-worldly that sounds, but trust me: Sonos owners looked with longing over the fence at their Echo-owning neighbors.

People came up with all kinds of hacks to connect an Alexa to a Sonos (buying a Dot and using a wire, for example)—but in general, this was a missed opportunity the size of Texas.

The end of the era of suffering

Well, it took Sonos some time, but I’m happy—really happy—to report that it has finally come to its senses. The Sonos:1 ($200) speaker looks, sounds, and costs the same as its predecessor, the Sonos Play:1. (Who comes up with these confusing names—someone from Microsoft?)

Here it is: The Sonos One, a combination Amazon Echo and internet speaker.

There are two tiny differences: The new speaker doesn’t have a mounting bracket on the back, and its top buttons are touch-sensitive spots instead of physical switches.

Both the Play:One and the new One cost $200, but they look and sound identical except for the top buttons.

And there’s one huge difference:  the new speaker is an Amazon Echo. It has Alexa built in. So you can ask it for the time in Paris, for a 20-minute timer, for a joke, for last night’s sports results, for an NPR news update, for an Uber ride, for a Domino’s pizza, to set your Nest thermostat, and so on—and you can ask it to play any music in the world. (See my video above.)

But meanwhile, it’s a Sonos. So now you can not only ask, “Play Billy Joel”; you can say, “Play Billy Joel in the living room.” Or, “in the kitchen.” Or wherever you’ve set up your Sonoses.

You don’t have to replace your existing Sonos setup, either. Just one Sonos One speaker (with Alexa) can control all your older Sonos speakers (without Alexa).

That’s the review, right there. It’s Alexa smarts in a Sonos. If you’re a Sonos fan—or if you’re trying to come up with a killer big-ticket holiday gift for the music nut in your life—you have my blessing. Get this thing.

However…

It gets better

Ah, but Sonos did more than just put Alexa into a Sonos speaker. It also wrote a “skill”—a plug-in voice command—for existing Sonos speakers.

Yes, the days of wiring an Echo Dot into a Sonos speaker are over. If, indeed, you own both an Amazon Echo (any kind) and a Sonos speaker (any kind), you can have all the same voice control that you’d get if you bought a Sonos One (the new kind).

That sounds trickier in words than it is in practice. But here’s the idea:

If you already have an Echo and an old Sonos, you don’t have to buy anything new to get voice control of your music.

In other words, you don’t have to buy anything new from Sonos to get voice control over an existing Sonsos setup. If you have an Amazon Echo (or if you buy an Echo Dot this Black Friday for $30 or $40)—you can enter the same musical heaven.

You’ll probably have the same critique I do: The software setup has too many steps, with too little guidance. But you’ll muddle through.

A thrilling next few weeks

Voice-controlled speakers are a hot new item this year. It’s a great idea for a tech product (have I mentioned how great it is to own one?), and lots and lots of people will be buying them.

In December, Apple (AAPL) and Google (GOOG, GOOGL) will each enter the marketplace with bigger, badder, much more expensive voice-controlled speakers of their own. There’ll be the Apple HomePod ($350) and the Google Home Max ($400).

In other words, Sonos’ window of being The One and Only is fairly short. Soon, it will be surrounded by competitors.

Sonos enjoys the freedom, though, of being beholden to no particular ecosystem. If you buy an Apple HomePod, you’ll use “Hey Siri” commands to operate it; it’s great, if you belong to the Apple Army. If you buy a Google Home Max, you’ll use “Hey Google” commands; great, if you belong to the Android Army.

But after an update coming in the new year, the Sonos One will be able to respond either to “Alexa” commands or to “OK Google” commands—a feat I’ve never seen in a single piece of hardware.

(Speaking of updates: At this moment, there’s one important music service you can’t control by voice on the Sonos One—Spotify. The company says that’ll come within the next few weeks.)

The bottom line, though, is that the Sonos One (and the free “skill” for older Sonoses) is the harbinger of a glorious new era. Most people are fairly “meh” about most smart-home products—you don’t see internet-connected light bulbs, door locks, or electric drapes in many people’s houses. But voice-controlled music? That’s got mass appeal. That’s true joy. Mark my words: It’s going to become a thing. A really wonderful thing.

More from David Pogue:

Battle of the 4K streaming boxes: Apple, Google, Amazon, and Roku

iPhone X review: Gorgeous, pricey, and worth it

Inside the Amazon company that’s even bigger than Amazon

The $50 Google Home Mini vs. the $50 Amazon Echo Dot — who wins?

The Fitbit Ionic doesn’t quite deserve the term ‘smartwatch’

Augmented reality? Pogue checks out 7 of the first iPhone AR apps 

David Pogue, tech columnist for Yahoo Finance, is the author of “iPhone: The Missing Manual.” He welcomes nontoxic comments in the comments section below. On the web, he’s davidpogue.com. On Twitter, he’s @pogue. On email, he’s poguester@yahoo.com. You can read all his articles here, or you can sign up to get his columns by email. 

[zrtranscripts]

Season 6, Mission 36: Old Friends 4 Sale

In the halls of Valhalla

SAM YAO: Janine, Five's been running through that abandoned city for... well, I haven't kept notes, but for ages. There is literally no one else there. Are we sure we're going in the right direction?

JANINE DE LUCA: As certain as we can be, Mr. Yao. Three residents of Abel suffer from Moonchild syndrome. They have listened to the Ministry broadcasts for us. They say this is where she's telling Runner Five to go.

SAM YAO: Hmm. Yeah. It's a bit weird, this, isn't it? Trying to navigate using subliminal messages sent to someone else. Although - good news, Five - those broadcasts are apparently at max strength, and still no Moonchild in your head. Freddie from sewage says she's got a horrible headache from the broadcast, so you're lucky.

JANINE DE LUCA: Whether it was Kytan's treatment or Moonchild's own decision, the things you've done seem to have worked, Runner Five. You will remain in full control during this operation. But the Minister must think that Moonchild is controlling you. We will remain in contact via your concealed earpiece. The Minister is calling you to that large concrete tower.

SAM YAO: Ah, that one that looks like an ominous, splintered devil church. Yeah, well, to be fair, it looked like that before the apocalypse, too. Brutalist architecture for the fail. Still, not the most fun place to be heading to in the middle of the night.

[speaker squeals]

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Moonchild, so good to see you again. I've placed a red light in the tower. Come home to me. As soon as you're here, we can talk.

SAM YAO: Mm, yeah. Surely she means, "I can monologue at you." Yeah, just a sec. There's no chance she could have put together one of those helmet things that let Moonchild print out thoughts onto a Telex, is there?

JANINE DE LUCA: There's some chance.

SAM YAO: Well, what will Five do then?

JANINE DE LUCA: We'll improvise! Keep going, Five. You can't miss this appointment.

JANINE DE LUCA: Good news for you as you run, Runner Five. Miss McShell is even now working in her lab, replicating the cure, so that we can fight back against the Minister. Her annihilation plans involved bringing her army to Abel through zombie territory. We will now be able to fight back in that very territory.

SAM YAO: Right. Okay, and re: what Sigrid has in store for you, Five, I've talked to Kytan. He says some woman who called herself Voltatronamic nicked off with one of his modified helmets a few days ago. Kytan... Kytan didn't tell anyone about it because he wanted her to learn about the consequences of her actions.

JANINE DE LUCA: The consequences of her actions are probably that the Minister gave her some vials of the cure.

SAM YAO: Yeah, and... [sighs] whatever Sigrid's going to do the Runner Five now. Oh, look. A concrete door in the dark shadows of that Cthulu temple is slowly swinging open. That is not a pleasant sound.

[concrete scrapes]

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Moonchild, welcome. I've waited for this moment for a long time.

JANINE DE LUCA: Five, remember, you have smoke bombs and trank darts. The Minister thinks you're in her power. Her guard will be down. We must learn what we can from her, and you might find a good opportunity for assassination. But above all, leave as soon as you feel unsafe.

SAM YAO: [laughs] To be honest, if I were Five, I'd feel really unsafe right now, but yeah. I guess she's not going to hurt you if she wants to use you.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: It's always been you I wanted, Moonchild. Five is just the vessel.

SAM YAO: Oh. Or that.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Moonchild, I can see you in Five's eyes. But I need to test your control. Run with me now. If you're still in charge of that body after a run, we'll know you're secure.

JANINE DE LUCA: Run with her, Five. You can do this.

SAM YAO: Oh man, this place is sinister. All those high-ceiling rooms with chinks of light filtering through, and... what are those? Glass cases?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Look around. This is my museum. A museum to the decadent world we worked together to overturn.

SAM YAO: She's got like, Hello Kitty stuff and McDonald's wrappers in glass cases. What is this for?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: In the future, people might look back at the technology of the pre-apocalypse era and think it was a golden age. That's why this place will be needed. Look, the rampant commercialism of the past laid bare. The 20th and 21st centuries. War and impulse shopping, environmental destruction and beach body diets. Reality TV, where a few poor people competed for trinkets while the elites brayed.

SAM YAO: I mean, fine. Yes, those things were awful. But that wasn't all we had! There was joy, and compassion. We had like, Steven Universe, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Curly Wurlies!

JANINE DE LUCA: And not strong-arming women into getting pregnant to produce anti-zombie serum.

SAM YAO: Yes! And also that. I really miss that.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Whoever controls history controls the future, Moonchild. I can hardly wait to hear your voice again. I've got something to show you. Come with me, quickly. The sooner the procedure is started, the sooner we'll be done.

SAM YAO: Her voice? The procedure?

JANINE DE LUCA: The only way to find out is to follow. Run with her, Five.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: I've been buying up resources and expertise everywhere I could find it. First, we have this.

SAM YAO: Right. Yup. As we thought, that's the same thing Kytan's people cobbled together from those games consoles. With, yup, the thing she had in that lab in the ship.

JANINE DE LUCA: It won't work, but if Sigrid thinks you're under Moonchild's control, Five, she'll simply presume her equipment has malfunctioned.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: We're alone. Stand here, Moonchild. Let me crown you with glory. Of course, this is the acid test. I know you're in there, Moonchild, but you must be in control. If this works, my dear, I'm going to bring you back. You will take over Five's body. It will be your body. It's going to be a glorious resurrection.

Of course, if this doesn't work, I can't have Runner Five wandering around with the information you have on me. So I'll have to shoot this vessel in the head. [laughs] It is going to work, isn't it?

[signal pulses]

There. Speak to me, Moonchild. There are speakers on the side of the helmet. They will read you. I know fine motor control is more difficult than large muscle groups, but this way, even if you don't have control of the vocal cords, I'll hear you. Moonchild... speak to me.

SAM YAO: Janine! What's the plan?

JANINE DE LUCA: Smoke bombs front and rear, Five. There's a service exit to your left leading to security tunnels.

[cloth rustles, gun clicks]

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Moonchild, speak to me now or return to Gaia, the Wakened Land!

MOONCHILD: Oh, I see. You need me now, do you, Five?

[speaker buzzes]

Took me a moment to get my chakras aligned there, Sigrid. Wonderful to see you. Your work here is incredible! And I can't wait to take over Runner Five's body. Please, show me more of this place, now. I have to see more, right now.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: I'll show you everything. I've missed you so much. Let's run!

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Look. Isn't it beautiful? It's a temple of the Wakened Land. Do you see down there in the atrium?

MOONCHILD: Oh my God, is that a statue of Professor Holloway? It's enormous! Where'd you even get it?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Had it specially cast. They're coming tomorrow to fix him on his plinth. He's much more use to me as a cast iron figure than he ever was as a living, breathing man.

MOONCHILD: We killed him together, I remember.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: We did. You were always loyal. You knew the meaning of friendship. There have been so many people over the years, Moonchild. They didn't understand my project, but you did.

MOONCHILD: We wanted to make a new Earth.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: I still might be able to. Do you remember Fossey Head?

MOONCHILD: No.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Oh yes, you did tell me this. Some of your memories would necessarily be fragmented by the transfer. I funded a geothermal well energy project on Fossey Head. My thought at the time was that that little island could become a model for the whole world of how to live in the new way. Fit, efficient, and strong as humans were meant to be. Clean up all the mess, start again.

SAM YAO: Have you ever noticed, Janine, how supervillains seem to split into neat freaks and "want to make lots of mess"?

JANINE DE LUCA: No. And please brush the crumbs off that battery pack. It's smoking.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: After I have excised that abscess in the flesh of England, Abel Township, I might set up a model community on Fossey Head, to demonstrate the right way of living.

MOONCHILD: And how can you destroy Abel? They're heavily armed.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Oh yes. And fortunately, Runner Five's retina scan will get me into that very useful armory, after we raze the place to the ground. No, no, Abel's destruction is already in place.

MOONCHILD: I'd love you to tell me about it.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: I'll do better. Come with me to the other side of the building. We might be in time to see them fruiting. Come on.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: See it?

MOONCHILD: I see a small organic mass hanging from a tree branch. It looks gelatinous.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Beautiful, isn't it? The finest work of Xia-Hifa Biologics. Wait. Watch. It's about to fruit!

SAM YAO: Fruit? [mass squelches open] Oh, I see. Oh, because it's opening up, like fruit. That... well, that's not so bad.

JANINE DE LUCA: There's a cloud of microscopic flies in there, Mr. Yao. You can see them as a faint discoloration.

MOONCHILD: Those flies, they're infected with something?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: A fungus. If it lands on your skin, you're dead within 20 minutes. Funnily enough, it works even faster on zombies! Ha!

MOONCHILD: Wow. That is karmically not... I mean, that is precedented. And you've planted one of these fruiting bodies in Abel? On a tree?

SAM YAO: Find it! Burn it!

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Even better. The spheres will survive for months within a living person until the fruiting signal is given. I planted one inside Abel's mole, Selma, before I let her run.

SAM YAO: Oh God.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Now, Moonchild. It's time for you to take over Runner Five's body forever. The device is just on the other side of the courtyard.

JANINE DE LUCA: We've learned enough. Five, smoke bombs. Get out of there.

MOONCHILD: No! No, I want to see what this is. 

Sure thing, Sigrid. Can't wait! Let's go.

JANINE DE LUCA: Runner Five, detonate your smoke bombs now.

MOONCHILD: I can't do that for you, Five. I've got something else I need.

SAM YAO: Five, this is not the time to let Moonchild take over. Come on, you can do this! Meditation!

MOONCHILD: Just stop there for a moment, Sigrid. By the statue of Professor Holloway. He was an incredible man, don't you think?

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Holloway? Yes, I suppose so. Like many, he didn't really understand the breadth of his own vision. It was for me to fulfill his plan.

MOONCHILD: You always said you'd help me really fulfill my potential.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: And we have. You have defeated death. As the child of the moon, you waned, and now you have waxed. Your control over Runner Five is perfect.

MOONCHILD: Yes. So perfect, I can do this!

[statue falls, SIGRID HAKKINEN shouts]

SAM YAO: Oh my God! Moonchild pushed that massive statue of Holloway over onto Sigrid!

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Moonchild, you must control Five! This isn't you!

MOONCHILD: It is me! I'm different now.

JANINE DE LUCA: Moonchild, if you're there, if you're in control, Runner Five's fourth tranquilizer dart, the one with the blue needle shield, is cyanide. Inject Sigrid now. Let this be over.

MOONCHILD: I think I might be a pascifist now, actually, Janine. I mean, reliving killing Holloway, that was bad. I can't believe what I did. Being part of Five has changed me. Five, we can get out of here, but I can't let you kill her.

SAM YAO: Well, then get out of there.

MOONCHILD: Good plan! And to be honest, controlling this body is exhausting! I quite enjoy being a passenger. It's very freeing. Besides, I had my time on Earth for good or ill. You take the wheel, Five.

SIGRID HAKKINEN: Moonchild! Don't leave me here.

MOONCHILD: I expect I'll see you again.

SAM YAO: Well, maybe. Five, we've found Selma. She's put herself into a hazmat suit. I think she wanted to wander off into the wilderness and get eaten by zoms, actually, but we stopped her. We can fix this, but you need to get back here now!

[thenamelessscribe42-blog]

Seven Amazing Details About Ladies Day

The Royal Ascot 2019 horse race is entering its third day, with all eyes on the elegant hats, glamorous clothing, naturally, the royals. Day Three of the five-day event is likewise the day of the historic Gold Cup. The Gold Cup is Ascot's longest making it through race, and what is now called Royal Ascot began to take shape when The Gold Cup was first run in 1807. The Gold Cup accompanies what is colloquially referred to as "Ladies' Day," a term first used in 1823. An anonymous poet described the day as "Ladies' Day ... when the ladies, like angels, look sweetly divine." However the Ascot doesn't officially acknowledge the day as Ladies' Day. As the Ascot's director of racing, Nick Smith, explained to The Telegraph, they have not described Ladies' Day in any marketing or promotions materials. "We are comfortable with the general public calling it that, but to market it as such would trigger confusion as ladies' days far from Royal Ascot Ladies Day are totally various," he stated. "We do not have actually finest dressed competitors-- for either sex-- and we do not believe catwalks and such like is what it has to do with."

What is the Royal Ascot?

Among Britain's many widely known racecourses, Ascot holds an unique week of races in June each year called Royal Ascot, participated in by The Queen and other Royals At other horse races in the U.K., Ladies' Days are associated with fashion competitions. At the Kelso Racecourse, which phases fifteen dives components during the season from September through Might, there are competitions for classifications such as Best Dressed Lady, Finest Dressed Couple, and Finest Hat. While there are no competitors at Ascot, according to The Evening Requirement, ladies still make sure to dress in an extra attractive search Ladies' Day to commemorate. Princess Eugenie wore a gorgeous floral-print Erdem gown teamed with a boater hat, while vocalist Ciara went with an elegant white Edeline Lee dress. Royal Ascot's amazing heritage, unlike any other, has actually made the event the most awaited and revered the world over. From the arrival of the Royal Procession at 2pm sharp to communal singing around the bandstand, with six exceptional top-class races in between, each of the 5 days is memorable.

It's a social emphasize of the summer season, not just for the racing and royalty however also because of the fashion, design and breadth of entertainment on offer. An option of 4 enclosures, each with a private character and numerous food and drink options, allow you to curate your own genuinely unique celebration. From exotic street food, gourmet burgers and classic afternoon tea to bring-your-own picnics on the immaculate yards and dining from Michelin-starred chefs, the options for a beautiful food experience alone are limitless. It's a chance to dress up and enjoy yourself while trying to break bookies' hearts. To experience it to its max, a little preparation will pay big dividends. Tuesday 19 If you're wanting to experience Royal Ascot at its most regal, the opening day is a must. When the clock strikes two the Royal Procession starts and the landaus, led by 4 Windsor greys, make their way along the Straight Mile, enacting a British tradition that extends back to when Queen Victoria was a girl. There is no comparable event in the racing calendar or indeed the sporting world and, while the spectacle is repeated every day of the meeting, Royal Ascot's opening day is justifiably renowned as spectacular.

For flat racing fans too, this is a day not to miss out on. Three Group One races-- the sport's highest category, with the biggest prize money and the very best horses-- are run: the Queen Anne Stakes, the King's Stand Stakes and the St James's Palace Stakes. Wednesday 20 A more carefully paced day however no less amazing, as it consists of the Group One Prince of Wales's Stakes. This is held by many to be Royal Ascot's most important race of the modern-day age: the richest race of the whole meeting with a bag of ₤ 750,000. And where better to enjoy it than in the Queen Anne Enclosure? Not as formal however just as perfectly made up as the members-only Royal Enclosure-- no top hats and tails required-- this enclosure offers the perfect and up-close views of the sensational horses, both in the Pre-Parade Ring and the Parade Ring. With Wednesday being a somewhat calmer day, maybe look for the numerous sculpture installations spread around the racecourse, some permanent and portraying past stars of Ascot in their most regal states while others feature specifically for the royal meeting. Entertainment is omnipresent at Royal Ascot with each day drawing to a close around the renowned bandstand, situated in the Queen Anne Enclosure, for victorious and traditionally British common singing at 6pm. Thursday 21 One of Royal Ascot's endearing eccentricities is that Thursday is not officially called Ladies' Day however Gold Cup Day. However this is undoubtedly the day when all eyes are concentrated on the hats, and both conventional and modern screens of magnificent millinery are most on program. Queen Anne Enclosure visitors can display their headwear while delighting in a grilled lobster or champagne afternoon tea at 1768 Grill and Tea Rooms. An ideal Ascot Events experience to boost your special day, this dining establishment was among a number of outlets presented in 2017 to provide racegoers a choice for lunch and afternoon tea that does not need booking in advance.

Gold Cup Day is also when Ascot's the majority of distinguished race is run-- always a source of high drama as it unfolds over two and a half miles. You can get a fresh perspective on this by watching from Royal Ascot's latest enclosure, The Village, which is open from Thursday to Saturday. Located on the within the track, with the Grandstand offering a backdrop to the day, the Village Enclosure has actually currently become popular with a more youthful, fashion-conscious group of racegoers searching for a modern Royal Ascot experience. Three stages offer a variety of music all day and, once the racing finishes, the live entertainment continues up until 9pm with a varied collection of store restaurants and champagne bars to keep the celebration going and create a dream of a summer night. Friday 22 The racing remains of the highest quality all week with Friday peaking once more as viewers witness two Group One races-- The Commonwealth Cup and The Coronation Stakes. As the weekend nears, racegoers can enjoy the glorious atmosphere in the Queen Anne Enclosure and sample from the most magnificent series of food and drink with a last-minute dining experience at James Tanner's Queen Anne Cooking area or by delighting in a Royal Ascot Blush Cocktail from among the quintessential bars found in the location. There are numerous craftsmen food stalls and champagne bars in The Town and Windsor Enclosures, however similarly numerous visitors delight in bringing their own picnics. There are, nevertheless, particular limitations that apply and the only alcohol that visitors may bring with them is sparkling wine or champagne (and a maximum of one bottle per person). Saturday 23 There is no stopping the magnificent racing and the last day is no exception. Its format is a recognisable six-race card staged in between 2.30 pm and 5.35 pm. Saturday's emphasize is certainly The Diamond Jubilee Stakes. Its size of field and strong pace provide a thrilling race for all and add to the finale of the five-day yearly event. Saturday is likewise a great day for kids to experience the special Ascot UK atmosphere and enjoyment. Kid's tickets can only be bought on the day, with all cash going to Ascot's annual charitable providing.

Booking ahead is encouraged if you are thinking about a fine dining experience in the Royal Enclosure or Queen Anne Enclosure, with numerous restaurants currently sold out throughout all days.

What is Ascot ladies day?

The world's most attractive race day. Ladies Day at Royal Ascot is renowned as the greatest day on the British social and sporting calendar. It is worth bearing in mind that many days across the four enclosures sell out well beforehand. So plan early-- and take pleasure in. Whatever day you pick, Ascot actually resembles no place else. Every day provides a different experience but always with the same design and elegance that the racecourse is renowned for. Exceptional racing, thrilling entertainment, magnificent food and sartorial beauty can constantly be anticipated. Be sure to inspect the official gown code for your enclosure before you go, look at possible upgrades you can choose to improve the event and prepare yourself for one of the most marvelous days in the British social-- and horse racing-- calendar. The Royal Ascot certainly lives up to its main motto," Like no place else." A major event on the British social calendar because its founding by Queen Anne in 1711, the annual race conference, which happens each June at the Ascot Racecourse in Berkshire, England, stays a heady mix of pomp, custom, fashion, class distinction and, naturally, sport. Formally opened every day by the Queen, along with assorted royals, the most apt way to describe the experience to Americans would be to picture a cross in between a royal wedding event and the Kentucky Derby, except boozier, if that's humanly possible (via champagne instead of bourbon). Though each of the five days has its highlights, Opening Day remains special just because it attracts a full complement of royals while also restricting admission to the Royal Enclosure, the most prominent level of presence, to members only. How does one end up being a member of this posh pack? The answer is purposely left unclear, involving a secret recipe of social stature, connections, letters of reference, and, above all, ambition. On the staying four days, members are permitted to buy two guest badges each per day. Ascot Opening Day was immortalized by the Lerner and Loewe musical, "My Fair Lady," which opened on Broadway in 1956 starring Rex Harrison and Julie Andrews, and later made into a big-budget Hollywood extravaganza, once again with Rex Harrison but with Audrey Hepburn replacing Andrews. (It's running yet once again this season on Broadway at Lincoln Center Theater.).

Both the stage production and the movie featured spectacular representations of Royal Ascot with sets and costumes by Cecil Beaton, the iconic photographer, designer, diarist and royal elbow-rubber. Extremely created in black and white, the number, specifically in the film variation, almost bases on its own as a pill of choreography and couture. Today, Ascot Opening Day is a far less mannerist affair, however similarly fashion-aligned. In the rarified air of the Royal Enclosure, custom reigns supreme in all good manners of dress throughout the five-day duration. Men are required to use a full early morning fit with waistcoat and either a black or grey stovepipe hat at all times. Just black shoes are allowed and in an affront to the current vogue for bare ankles, socks are mandatory. Just last year, for the very very first time in Ascot UK's history, when the temperature skyrocketed into the 90s, were men enabled to remove their coats and hats. Otherwise, hats should stay on heads except within a restaurant, a private box, an enclosed balcony, and a couple of other designated locations. Ladies must use a hat with a minimum base of 4 inches (i.e. no fascinators) and gowns with a modest cut. Pants and jumpsuits are permitted, but again with a caveat: trousers should be used with a jacket or top "in a coordinating material." There is a wide variety of elegant to saucy, but Brits do the "garden celebration" look quite well, with a mix of intense colors, floral prints and the current look of long, flowing gowns that clearly take their remedies from the younger members of the Royal Family.

How long does Royal Ascot last?

Over 300,000 individuals make the yearly see to Berkshire during Royal Ascot week, making this Europe's best-attended race meeting. There are eighteen group races available, with at least one Group One event on each of the five days. Beyond the Royal Enclosure, each section has its own set of sartorial guidelines. If the Royal Enclosure is First Class, Organisation Class would be the Queen Anne Enclosure. There, men should wear a fit and tie and ladies are asked to use classy gowns and a hat. Premium Economy would be The Village Enclosure, with the very same gown code as the Queen Anne Enclosure. The Windsor Enclosure is the most relaxed, without any dress code at all. The main website states "lively, interesting and fun" which equates to celebration central, often rather rowdy. Undoubtedly, every level of Royal Ascot Ladies Day is party hearty, regardless of whether sustained by Bollinger, Pimm's, or Guinness. The numbers speak volumes. Over the course of five days, 300,000 guests will have taken in 56,000 bottles of champagne, 44,000 bottles of wine, 21,000 jugs of Pimm's and 60,000 finger sandwiches. For those who do not imbibe, fear not. Likewise taken in are 80,000 cups of tea and 128,500 bottles of mineral water.

No matter which area one remains in or what remains in one's glass, the mood is decidedly buoyant, sparked by the arrival of the Queen and various members of her household in a line of horse drawn carriages. This year, as usual, the Royal Procession entered the park through the Royal Gates noticeable to all off in the distance. The closer the carriages got to the stands, the louder the buzz from the crowd. All at once, the Band of Her Majesty's Irish Guards marched into place to play the nationwide anthem, "God Conserve the Queen." Thousands of top hats were removed en masse and the crowd sang, followed by spontaneous applause and cheers that turned into a cacophony as the Queen's carriage passed, accompanied by nonstop "Hip, Hip, Hoorays!" Resplendent in a jonquil yellow coat and hat, she was accompanied by her boy, Andrew, child Anne, and Lord Vestey, Master of the Horse to the Royal Household. Next came Prince Charles with Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and the Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. However the loudest cheers this go round were for the occupants of the third carriage, Prince Harry and his new bride Meghan with Prince Edward and his wife, Sophie. Following the royal arrival, just like halftime at a football game, there's a mad rush for the bars and the toilets. But instead of beers and brats, it's Bollinger and lobster rolls. Yes, there are a couple of exhilarating horse races, accompanied by a remarkable quantity of drinking. However the real show is in the garden of the Royal Enclosure, which becomes one big party, and, naturally, the Royal Box, which hovers over the stands like the bridge of a huge ocean liner. One can quickly see the comings and goings through its set of double doors, with riding crop manages, from numerous viewpoint within the clubhouse, which feels exactly like a shopping center, although it has bars and wagering stations instead of boutiques. One can seemingly make a bet practically anywhere. In addition to the stationary desks, there are mobile kiosks spread inside the clubhouse and throughout the park. One can even place a bet, albeit prior to 2 p.m. on what color the Queen will use. (In 2015, I won ₤ 15 on pink.) And if one is in the ideal place at the right time, the doors to the Royal Box will swing open and a tiny little figure in a brilliantly colored coat and hat will emerge, and stroll unaccompanied to the parade ring to provide a trophy, sometimes several times a day. This is why one goes to Ascot: to witness firsthand the gravitas, the magnificence, the adulation and a little bit of the isolation that accompanies what the current occupant of Buckingham Palace describes, at times wearily, "this task for life." It's a thrilling and unusually moving thing to see. After all, who needs to binge watch The Crown when one can simply binge enjoy the Queen?

[hasafraker]

Ride to Work

I think last month was ride your bicycle to work day, week, month or something. I totally missed the boat mostly because I just didn’t have a way to carry all my stuff with me. Rather than kill myself trying for the sake of doing it on the designated day, I have finally gotten what I need to just do it every day. I got a rack and some bags last weekend for my Jamis Coda Elite.

Got a few other things as well, a lock to make sure it stays where I left it. I’ve seen others drop their horse shoe style lock in the rails of the rack, and would you look at that mine fits there perfectly too!

So this last Monday I worked from home, yes its a thing! When I worked for the place that shall not be named, my boss there was very adamant that nobody was allowed to work from home (except him) because he didn’t trust that you would be working. Yeah ok... I got nothing, my new job/boss is like “you will work from home 4 days a week, 1 week a month and if you need to work from home on a particular day for whatever reason just let me know we’ll figure it out.” WOW such forward thinking I don’t know how to act. 

Anyhow so Monday I worked from home, my laptop weighs a TON! It might as well be a legit boat anchor when it comes to carrying this beast on my bicycle. The bags I got (which I will review later for fun) are quite spacious and swallowed the laptop, power supply, headset, change of clothes, towel, lunch box and misc other stuff that I pack to work w/out any problems. 

Now mind you, I’ve been trying to get out and ride 3x a week at the minimum to make sure I am in shape enough to survive the 5 mile ride to work. You laugh, “hah a mere 5miles?! you smell of elder berries!” No really, this is a rough 5 miles. I’ve never lived in a place that was more hill ridden in my life! From the house I ride up hill about a mile to the first main road that runs towards work. Then the next 3.5 miles are flatter but slightly downhill, it’s a decent roll and I can get cranking on it pretty good. The last .5 miles... I should nickname it the murder hill because the grade is ridiculous.

Wednesday mornings ride started out great, yay, riding to work, this will be glorious! I head out, first hill, no big deal, heart pounding, breathing heavy, legs warming up wow the bike feels really heavy lol. As I crest the top of the first big hill and get ready to turn right at the light my legs are really burning. I will say one thing for traffic here in MD is that bicyclists are tolerated really well? Maybe it’s just really pro-bicycle? I’ve only had 1 motorist honk at me and in retrospect she may have been honking at another driver for not letting her get out from behind me. 

Anyhow, so the next stretch I really get going there are a few upward sections that slow me down some but it’s mostly flattish so this is where I make my time, even the roads are in decent shape so I’m not dodging potholes or anything. 

Then I reach the decent before a good downhill section and I attack it with as much energy as I can because I want to carry some speed through to see how far I can get up the hill before I have to start down shifting to keep the wheels moving. I’m in top gear about 1/3rd of the way down because I was already moving pretty fast, now I’m going probably 30+ mph and the FRICKIN LIGHT CHANGES!! GAH! So I downshift because I don’t want the cross traffic to road pizza me and stop at the light panting. Green light and now I’m at the bottom on the hill before the murder hill and I have to climb this section first to get to the real hill... real hill, like this hill is just an illusion that’s kicking my ass? If only that were so. 

So I get up the hill, and again catch another red light and grab a drink while I wait for the light to change. Now this downhill section at the bottom of the murder hill is just long enough for me to get nearly into top gear with some serious effort on my part, but with traffic coming and going on both sides of the road I feel a little like Mad Max now because I’m trying again not to die on my way to work and the motorists only have so much humor when it comes to cyclists so I do try not to surprise them by popping out in front of them without any notice. I manage to slip in behind the last mini van to go by and find a gap in the oncoming cars so I’m able to slip all the way over to the left side of the road because there is a second lane on that side for traffic turning into any of the multiple driveways over there vs a 2′ shoulder on the right side of the road.

So now as I attack the murder hill and shift down into 1st as fast as I can and just try to keep the cranks spinning so the wheels don’t stop I can feel my heart rate climb, my lungs are burning almost as much as my legs and I push myself and push myself and I can feel my breakfast threatening to make another appearance and I tell myself not to think about it and just keep the pedals going and I realize at this point that if I don’t stop I will likely either pass out and fall over or puke, or both, and if I’m really unlucky maybe even a heart attack is lurking in there for me! Ok so I unclip first because I’ve had a number of “OMG I can’t get out of my clips and I’m going to fall now” recently and I don’t want to crash with my new bags and my laptop and all my stuff so yeah at least I had enough brain power left to remember to unclip first. 

I get off the bike and walk it the remaining 200′ to the first driveway that is linked to the work parking lots. I grab another drink, catch my breath a little, hop back on the bike and will my legs back to work again pushing the pedals and off we go, I find a little service road that takes me to another road that seems like it goes off into nowhere so I jump the curb and ride along a volleyball court and come to another drive that comes to the first manned guard access gate. WHEW I’m gonna make it! I get there, badge in and ask for directions to the building where the Gym is located because employees can use the showers there if they need to. Boy do I need to at this point because I’m dripping sweat.

I roll down to that building, another guard nearby directs me to the nearest bike rack, I get locked up, grab my bag with my change of clothes and he then tells me how to find the showers, what a guy! I got showered and dressed and back to the bike. Load back up and now I have like 2 blocks to slow ride cause I’m beat to get to my building and stow my bike and head up to my floor so I can get to work. 

So that was my first day riding to work! The ride home was seemingly easier but I don’t think it really is, the murder hill is fun going back the other way but if you don’t mind the potholes (there are a couple I have discovered) your water bottles will eject from their bottle cage (cage my ass) like little rockets that you may never find again especially if the cars behind you think it’s a game and try to run them over for you... :(  but... the murder hill I can really fly down and carry enough speed to reach the top of the next hill which makes that section easier. Once you head past that and through the next downhill section the long stretch to the last mile to the house is mostly uphill some is not as bad as others but still by the time I got home I was a sweaty mess.

I didn’t let my first day stop me oh no, my second day I got up, got ready and looked outside and it was POURING lmao just my luck, well... we have just 1 car right now, my motorcycle is in the shop getting new brake lines and the bicycle is all I have so I suited up and off I went and soaked to the bone I got, my gear was still fairly wet by the time I went home that day. The benefit to riding in the rain and having showers at work is, I don’t wear a rain cover, who cares I’m not made of sugar right? The rain and wind keep you much cooler so that helps, other wise I’m just soggy which for a long ride would be miserable but 5 miles is totally no big deal.

Then yesterday it was still raining on my way to work but not as hard so that was actually very pleasant I dare say I enjoyed it. However yesterday, I made it up the murder hill without having to get off my bike! Woohoo!! Then last night my wife got done with her job early and offered to come get me at work and just put my bike in the back and I declined, I like riding, I told her it would be fine. It was 86 degrees yesterday when I left work so I was cooking and sweating but again, I enjoy the ride, I like pushing myself it makes me feel alive and I’m hoping in the long run will improve my fitness level and help me bring my weigh back down.

So there you go... I’m riding my bicycle to work now every day, though I do reserve the right to ride my motorcycle on days when it’s pouring because trying to dry my stuff out before the ride home is a bit of a pita lol otherwise, go out there and get it!

If you ever wanted to ride to work and you have the time, that is the big investment here, if you live within 10miles of your job it’s very doable, even 15 if you’re very fit, 20 becomes more trouble because now we’re talking 1hr to 1hr 20 minutes. I needed a rack and panniers because a backpack will put my arms to sleep and I can’t ride like that. I remember what it was like in HS and now I have carpal tunnel and bad arthritis in my thumbs and yeah no not gonna do it. 

I encourage anybody who has the desire, who has a bicycle worthy of the commute, to give it a shot, even if it’s just once, just to say you did, and if you can do it on the bike to work day/week/month well if the area you live in does that sort of thing there could be a free meal and swag in it for you. Here the LBS’s and some local food and sporting goods places are really big on it and get together and have rides and food and it was a little crazy I was sad I missed it.

I will probably start doing bits on my ride to work shenanigans, like how to fix a flat tire or more likely how NOT to fix a flat tire on the side of the road on your way to work and not take too much time so you’re not late hehe. Anyhow my peoples, have a great week, get outside, be happy and healthy!